#and you will never guess the 1st
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hope you never know how much you missed dear boy
#happy late RAM day#my 2nd fav album of his#and you will never guess the 1st#paul mccartney#ram#the beatles fanart#the beatles in question: literal bugs#my art
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tfw i have $948cad and rent is $980 AND MY PLACE IS A WRECK
#lay text#i'm okay i'm fine i'm chill i'm SO RELAXED#it's due on the 1st and i'm applying to freelancer & upwork jobs like a madwoman like i've been working on stuff all day everyday#and trying to sell so much stuff on facebook#including things i rly like but i just have to :']#c'est la vie!!!!!!!!!!!!! capitalism!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#disability aid DOES NOT GIVE ME NEARLY ENOUGH#crying wailing slamming my head on my pillow etc etc#i really really hope things work out#i really hope my stupid flaky client will ACTUALLY PAY ME FOR THE WORK I DID AGES AGO............#she was on holidays and i bet you a billion dollars she'll blame it on her dumb client again. i mean i still rly like this woman#and she pays pretty decently-ish#but holy shit#earlier i got super discouraged and felt so crushed#but at least i did a bunch of shit today and i have to let myself feel proud of that much at least. it's so much work. it never ends#all i want to do is focus on my writing/youtube/activism stuff#but i have to keep doing dumb shit i don't care about#and my apartment is a mess :((#i spent all day working on marketing my services on freelancing sites etc and i'm so drained but i have to vaccuum and do my dumb dishes#and i wanna game w my friends later but my brain is fried#january will most likely be rly rough hahaaaa i guess i'll dig myself deeper into credit card debt to pay rent and after that uh ???????#who knows#just keep working hard begging ppl to hire me#and um. pray to the goddess or smth. i did not expect so many extra costs in december and i kinda did this to myself#i need to not bully myself too much ugh#i want to work on the lay & the gyns projects too#but idk how much time i'll be able to dedicate#it's not like i'm not trying hard or working hard to benefit society or whatever!!!!! i spent all my time focusing on activism & writing et#but somehow it's just considered not enough#i'm rly hopeful i can get a grant for the lay & the gyns business since we'll do marketing for sapphic businesses/freelancers
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I cannot listen to the magnus archives as a normal person I have to read the wiki pages of episodes I already listened to and make notes and try to guess the entities and what they do and make a file out of it
#i know there are entities because if youre on tumblr you cannot not know about them#so far i suspect three. one with the closed eye in hand that makes people do their killing. idk whats the gain or if im right but its. there#then there is one with the table. i assume its the one that makes people see visions hallucinations and dreams. gaslighting them and taking#people from their lives as if they never existed. erasing records afterwards (but not without flaws)#then there is the eye. idk what it does. idk if its connected with the books or the lightless flame. or if its literally an all seeing eye#that can mess with everything. and i also think that one can be good? like used to protect too? idk#then there is the whole worm lady which i have no idea about the entity. controlling invertebrates??#infestation definitely?#i havent made notes abt the figures that disappear in light and also about the fog? i guess. the one that makes people get lost.#or is it the graveyard#even though if i count everything ive mentioned here as seperate entities that makes 9 of them#i feel like there are 14 bc of the 14 doors in that one episode#maybe the candle one from the cave ep?#okay 4 more to go.#oh and the one that can make flesh but doesnt really know how to#how to properly humanize the flesh#3 more?#maybe that one with the old man and the keyhole that wasnt there.#dk what that is though#2 more.#idk the last ones are already far-fetched#the first three i mentioned are the ones im more certain about lol#anyway. cant wait to see how wrong or right i was! yeehaw#tma#fandom#also i feel like the sasha and gertrude were gotten by the same thing. might be wrong#if anyone is still here in my tags ive just finished 1st season
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i wish we’d got to see the older vks interact more with the younger kids bc it’s like. how much did they care for them on the isle? did they help them out, betray a moment of weakness so they didn’t have to suffer like they did? did they leave them to fend for themselves just like their parents, perpetuating that cycle of cruelty?
it’s implied that celia knows, and is at least friendly with, the rotten four, as well as uma’s gang. evie is close to dizzy. it’s just such an interesting dynamic, these teenagers who are selfish and rotten and evil, keeping an eye on kids just like how they used to be: vulnerable, helpless, learning how to survive the unforgiving isle streets. both parties as some sort of fractured, distorted mirror.
#like evie giving her purse to those street kids!! and jays little parkour park!! and carlos’ home for lost boys and girls!!!!#like they all care for these kids so much!!!! bc they were once like them!!#gaaahhhh i need to chew on glass i WISHHHHH we had more interactions#i need celia and jay being pickpockets together you don’t understand#like the teen vks are still CHILDREN!!!! they’re still kids!!!! so scarred from their childhoods that aren’t even over yet#and how they’re technically like 1st generation isle kids i guess#and all the younger kids and toddlers and BABIES on the isle and how they’re all like. Their Responsibility#and if the r4 never went over and if the barrier never came down#would the older kids perpetuate these cycles? would their well-disguised sympathy be squashed down into cruelty and abuse?#could they hurt a child knowing too well what it was like to be young and alone and having no one at all?#gah anyway. i shouldn’t think about descendants in the evening it does something to my brain#descendants
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#it's a strange thing to work in a store that never sleeps. like living in an organism. like forcing its blood to flow#youre there an not. mostly out of sight and out of mind. blinking into existence when something is needed#or at least thats how it is when you work on the back end. and its an oddly gendered workplace when i go in#before the sun is up. before the doors are unlocked. men and boys unload the trucks and sort the packages. women sort the clothing packages#so they do that on purpose? do applicates sort themselves? why do only women work in style?#i dunno. it feels like my 1st real job. its very strange bc there are alloted times and clocking in and out and forced breaks. ive never had#that. ive only had: every moment that youre not working is a waste of time. i worked 10 hour days 6 days a week while getting paid part time#so it's weird. its nice to feel useful. its nice to have my time filled with things to do. but its also like going to school k-12 bc its#like: oh god i gotta get up at 3am so i can go to work. so i dunno. we'll see how i feel after a full week. its also sorta physically#exhausting and maybe i should have said 32hrs instead of 40 so i can actually work on some stuff this summer but i guess we'll see#right now getting a government job sounds better than going back to school but i dunno. i dunno#ill have to start applying in earnest. ay ay ay. what a mess#unrelated
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"yeah i wanna do halloween stuff :]" i don't. know when halloween is
#cli speaks#my mother never let me celebrate it gkldkfjgdfg#it's the 31st right. which i guess i'll just do it american-style so on the 1st for me#something about celebrating things only online with connection to so many people makes me :]#thank you all for your shared experience so that i may experience things that i was never allowed to experience etc etc
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Catherine [of Aragon], [Princess] Mary, and Anne Boleyn are enemies of Cromwell and do not fare well at her hands. In fact, [Mantel's] focus on Cromwell seriously undermines the claim her account is more authentic than Michael Hirst['s].
Writing Mary I: History, Historiography, and Fiction
#hmm...#i mean#i don't think focus on one singular historical person as narrator (well . sort of. it's third person POV) automatically renders a work#'less authentic'#by this logic the only 'authentic' series is an ensemble#POV which i suppose the tudors is closer to but that's a very strict and limited criteria...#tbh this is just me pettily posting this quote bcus im so vindicated when this is said#in scholarly compliations lmfao#i agree with the conclusion but not the argument towards it if that makes sense. i have my own sort of...#(i think it's incidental that this is the case. you can still strive for authenticity in a first person close POV historical novel#it just doesn't occur often. see: tobg)#i've seen this as a criticism of BSR and it doesn't track#bcus the fleabag-style makes it explicitly clear this is all from AB's pov#'it's iNACCURATE that it says henry never loved coa FUCK this show'#'accuracy' re: feelings is a difficult premise in the 1st place but also#you cannot argue it's 'inaccurate' that ANNE thought that. bcus we don't know what she thought#the structure of the series is inherently her being interviewed and so it's clear this is the writers' guess on how she#justified her path to herself#and i actually found it to be a plausible one. again. accuracy or inaccuracy cannot be argued. you're talking about someone's feelings#/beliefs about someone ELSE's feelings (hers about henry's)#it's actually quite credible. considering we know that she did claim *she* loved henry more than catherine#that speaks to her feelings on#the matter ...which melds well to their interpretation on what else she might have felt on the subject.
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obsessed with doing this quiz for my ocs. i think its very important that we all know that celyn is 86% j*ghead
#listen ive never watched r*verdale but like. i know enough.#i know celyns first words to jowan were 'in case you havent noticed im weird. im a weirdo. i dont fit in and i dont wanna fit in. have you#ever seen me without this stupid hat on? thats weird.'#also the fact that there are not 1 but 2 different sher/ocks in the top 10 lmao. she is smart ok. but shes not a detective genius#she is however as reclusive n weird as sher/ock is generally portrayed to be so. makes sense i guess#oc: celyn#has anyone watched elementary btw. i tried to watch it bc of lucy liu n bc i've heard it's the good modern sher/ock adaptation#but the pilot episode had me snoozing#maybe the show gets better. or mayb the detective genre is just not for me#ALSO the fact that house is at number 5. i hate it i love it#also maeve at 7 <3 that one i approve of wholeheartedly n unironically#havent watched mean girls in like 10+ years but i also approve of janis ian at 3#never watched parks n rec but based on what i know abt the character april in 1st place also tracks#anyway. mutuals do this its fun <3
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I've been thinking to myself hey I maybe I should email this breeder, just bring up our potential interest in a future puppy and also I guess ask if they think their dogs could have the potential for assistance work, but first of all I might as well have never written an email in my life bc I have no idea how to go about this!!! And second of all, especially for the latter but I could always leave that out for the first time lol, if they answer negatively in some way I would likely not recover (I am not a well adjusted individual and rsd is a lovely little thing). I know myself well enough to know I would find it very discouraging and the embarrassment would probably also make it harder to contact them in the future 🥲
#not to mention i likely will be taking a somewhat unusual route since im not even sure PSDs are properly recognized here#like if i do end up training a dog for that (bc organization trained isnt an option) i likely will have some administrative bs to deal with#and being young and doing smth out of the norm never gets you good looks haha#im trailing off here idk what i was going to say anymore really#smth smth i mainly want to know how tf you go about emailing a breeder?? like what do u say#hi i like ur dogs. ummm. yea. have a good day#what should u mention in a very 1st email? what should u ask?? what should u avoid?#keeping in mind this is all for years in the future#if nothing else id like to meet their dogs at least since they're open to that w arrangements#i would be delighted to say the least#also the SD stuff : if other things align right i wiuld still 100% want a dog from them even if they wouldn't be suitable for SD work#+ theres at home tasks i would teach to probably any nd all dogs we have in the future lol#this is a mess of tags thanks if u read through all of it? i guess?#im going to sleep now#mine
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It's so interesting to react to being referred to by a screen-name.
#crystal visions of lilies in the valley#I've never used this (different) username before and someone called me by the first half of it and I was like '...that me?'#and then my brain going *Jake Ryan voice* 'yeah that me'#it's kind of interesting being anonymous and using a new username because on one hand I want to add my real name so#people actually know how to refer to me but on the other...hm! it's just interesting. IDK.#it's especially interesting for me who can't really fathom being referred to any other way but by my name or some variation of it#(as in a username) and since my name is so short it's not like anyone can even really make nicknames out of it. LOL so#I guess when someone's used a longer and not real name for me based on a screen-name I'm like 'oh...so that's what it's like' I guess???#I guess the concept of nicknames (let alone screen-names) for me is just funny because most people expect nicknames to be shortened#versions of a longer/full name but you CAN'T do that with my 1st name which is only 4 letters so all nicknames for me are actually#longer and more ridiculous. LOL so it's just kinda interesting! if any of that makes any sense at all!
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actually I probably won't get to the other answers tonight, but tomorrow you will hear all about my completely unexpected and surprising opinions on both xiyao and nielan 👉👉
#you guys will never guess#which one i ship#and which one I find more distasteful than halloween decorations in the grocery store before september 1st
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I am home from apartment hunting and I would just like to say I am extremely disappointed, as an able-bodied person, to learn only 1 out of the 13 complexes we visited had an elevator.
#like i can take the stairs its whatever i guess#but something i had on my checklist was accessibility#one place had wheelchair ramps but it doesnt do much when you have no elevator#apparently its florida law that a building less than 4 floor isnt required to have an elevator#but then all the buildings are less than 4 floors?!?!?! disgusting#my boy tried to placate me by reminding me that we are able-bodied which turned into me lecturing him#that able-bodied people have to advocate for disability rights#it also pissed me off because both his mom and my mom have issues with stairs#and ive told him many times i dont like using the stairs because there are never cameras in the stairwells#not to mention one of our main goals is to make new friends once we move and those friends might be disabled#we ourselves may become disabled one day. i already have joint pain. its super easy to break a leg#its sickens me that disabled people either have to pay more to live in a place with an elevator#or they have to pay more to have a first floor unit (yes in florida 1st floor units usually cost more)#also! most of the stairs were just plain gross! dirty and rusty and covered with mold#anyway apartment hunting is fun but largely sucks because theres so much to be disappointed by#several places just had trash everywhere. multiple wouldnt answer phone calls. one wont answer emails#none have cameras in the parking lot and had no policy regarding crime that occurs in their parking lot other than 'file a police report'#one place tried to convince us its normal to have roaches in the unit in florida even though only one place had them#we didnt even go into all 13 units because by the end my standards had gone up and my tolerance had gone down#so we left two places without completing the tour just because our reception was nonexistent and there was trash everywhere#my boy fell in love with a place with 1star ratings trash everywhere and a raccoon problem. send help#neo rambles#neo speaks#neo apartment hunts#apartment hunting#tw mold mentioned#mold mentioned#accessibility#disability advocacy#ableism
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#ay ay ay. now that the soul crushing project is done ive elected to spend the week managing data#which is decidedly more chill than what ive been doing for the last month but also isnt not doing anything and it isnt getting stuff done#for when i have to move. so thats annoying. and ive been drawing again at least but i can feel the escalation in my controlling behavior#so its now very frustrating trying to draw anything. coloring is gonna take a million years rip.#also suddenly everyone wants to b social rn? like tomorrow my boss is organizing a thing with an old lab mate and this weekend a#collaborator is having a retirement party. and next week my lab mates wanna do a trivia night. and i kno that i should go to these things.#and i will try but i really dont want to go to any of it. mostly for driving reasons but also im a husk of a person rn. but the more#devastating thing is that uh next week one of the kids i grew up with is getting married to a rich girl lol. and like we werent that close#bc i was and am such an asocial freak but after the wedding my parents r picking up their new camper and camping their way across the#country with my sisters. and im sure someone probably told me the dates of these things at some point but if u tell me dates i will#instantly forget them. so thats. ya kno. happening over basically the next 2 weeks while i have to kill myself over measurements for a#different study i dont care abt. and like. its fine. ill see them mid may for a different planned trip. it just makes me kinda sad#a product of living halfway across the country i guess. im just inherently more disconnected to everyone. i would suspect thsts semi#intentional subconsciously. u cant b upset abt not being able to connect with ppl if you create enough physical distance that u never see#them in the 1st place. u cant misunderstand me if i make myself absent and unknowable. idk. i was explaining to my mum that i didnt realize#the timeline and she was like. understandable whatever u wanna do! and idk y that upsets me so much. i guess its just that i dont want to b#doing this. its causing me pain but dont kno how to articulate it in a way that makes sense. whatever. my mouth hurts. my lips r so chapped#that the irritation is spread past my lip line. probably doesnt help thst i keep rubbing at it lol. anyway things r still annoying#less soul crushing thsn last week but still frustrating#unrelated
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forcing myself to watch to the end of the 25th anniversary even after m*ckintosh shows up and opens his gob so i can see the cute kids
#anyways. never doing THAT again. truly wish they at least let the authors speak b4 he did but the didn't so i guess i'll never hear them#again in my life bc as SOON as m*ckintosh steps up to a mic in the future you KNOW that's getting turned off immediately lmao#he's transphobic and filthy rich and i disagree with how he handles les mis so i Hate Him and literally booed him the 1st time i recognized#him while watching the concert in my living room. idc that he couldn't hear it's the thought that counts#les mis#len speaks#scopophobia tw#i guess?
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I've never had someone come up to me at kareoke to push a contest on me before..it's weird.. I get AGT and AI all the time but never low key home town competitions so it was...kinda cool?
#he was tryin so hard yall#it was kinda cool#like thank you!#idk how to respond to rhis xD#its a 1st#we didnt really have them in ID#at least not in my circuit#so hell yeah why not?#i havent been performing here at all sonce i turned 21 soooo...#theyve never heard me before but its workin i guess#xD#ima give it a shot#music is my passion after all
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“guess you didn’t have a forwarding address after all ☹️” shut the fuck up shut the fuck up shut the fuck up shut the fuck up shut the fuck up shut up shut up shut up
#I am FROTHING#at the mouth I mean#I am so beyond unreasonably annoyed#dad sends bday card to old address bc we never talk and he didn’t know I moved#literally never texts me#I don’t really text him either so I suppose it’s a two way street#I had mail forwarding until Jan 1st so I dunno what happened but I dunno just the text out of the blue like that triggers something in me#could have just said “hey your card finally got returned. do you want me to resend it?’#BUT NO fucking ☹️☹️☹️ guess you made a wittle mistakey son ☹️☹️☹️#I’m most probably reading too much into it. probably. I’m hoping….#I am just… seething…#whatever. it’s a two way road. you’d just think he’d care about his son to check in more often#especially when said son is not. doing. great. when said son is helping take care of his estranged dad’s sick ex wife whom he divorced to#to fuck off around the world and fucking go live abroad after having two kids. just fucks off. fucked off. f offed. off’d? LEFT#which WHATEVER your prerogative my dude my man I still love you but I’m gonna be resentful forever#and I’m getting off topic. oh yeah. and the last time we texted briefly I was saying how life was shitty#told him I had to move because of no money and mom got a transplant and is still sick all the time#and it’s all ‘well… let me know if I can do anything’#fuck you#you want to be snarky go ahead and be snarky#go fucking drink by the pool all day with your dogs whatever#big fucking nice guy ‘uwu guess you didn’t really want my letter 👉👈😢#I’m just… fucking sorry I don’t text you more. what am I supposed to text about?#i’m ashamed of myself. of my life. I’m a fucking 35 year old loser and I know I let you down. talking to you just reminds me I’m a fuck up#I’m a bad investment and you got out while the getting was good#fuck… it was just some shitty little comment that might not have even been malicious. just tone deaf or whatever#but now I’m feeling so shitty and I can’t stop it#sorry this was too much#I was on the verge of just starting to yell and stomp around like an idiot and decided to vent here instead#… but seriously what the fuck. what response is he expecting? I set up forwarding so idk. shit happens dude
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