#all i want to do is focus on my writing/youtube/activism stuff

[tirfpikachu]

tfw i have $948cad and rent is $980 AND MY PLACE IS A WRECK

[icewindandboringhorror]

sometimes looking at like Self Help Strategies lists for the symptoms I'm having is always just like:

thing that I already do

thing I have tried 10 times

thing I already do

thing that I don't have the money to do

thing I already do

thing I've been doing since I was 10yrs old to no avail

thing that is impossible given my situation

thing that doesn't apply to me

thing that I already do

thing I have already tried

hrmm, oh wait, maybe finally- OH, yeah.. okay. thing that I already do but it was just phrased slightly differently

thing I have already done

[helpimstuckinafandom]

I actually feel like i'm losing it I only started playing bg3 on friday/saturday and I am in withdrawl from just one day without it

[allthingslinguistic]

Language Guinea Pig Diaries #2: Highlights & Troubleshooting

I'm trying to improve my skills at four languages in preparation for summer travel: Italian, Dutch, Finnish, and Estonian.

Italian and Dutch I've studied a bit a while ago and I'm now trying to "activate" so I can hopefully have a conversation or two in them, while Finnish and Estonian I'm trying to pick up some rudimentary bits in. Here's the previous post in this series describing these goals and strategies in more detail.

Highlights

I've progressed from my menu of only gelato-making videos in Italian to other recipes in general, and in particular to lots of cooking videos from this popular Italian home cooking channel which was in the recommended videos after another one I watched. Maybe I'll branch out again at some point to other speakers, but for now it's nice to be able to stumble into more videos without having to think up new keywords to search. Also, I might need to make some of these recipes now...

The Dutch podcast listening is going well (though see weird issue below) and I especially like that the podcast I chose because it's the only podcast I knew in Dutch contains a mix of adult-to-adult and adult-and-child speech, which is a fun way to mix it up.

In Estonian, so far I have learned one (1) highly useful word, "tere", which this video tells me is an all-purpose neutral greeting (neutral with respect to both formality and time of day). Ooh, I've just realized while writing this post that it's probably cognate to Finnish "terve", a greeting I learned from Duolingo! (Yes, I just looked this up, seems like they both mean something to do with health.) So I've already learned one neat thing!

I'm also recognizing a few Estonian cognates from the Finnish Duolingo lessons, especially the verb "on" (which means "is"). I'm not recognizing many other words though, and I'm wondering how much of that is differing vocab and how much of that is not having learned many common words in Finnish yet (I've been especially chafing at how few verbs we've learned yet, it would be really useful to have a word like "I want" even if it's unanalyzed because the grammar is more complicated than they want to introduce early).

Youtube's algorithm has, after about a week, adjusted to the fact that I now want to watch videos entirely in Italian, and started recommending further Italian videos on my home feed (it was already doing so at the end of previous Italian videos). Tiktok's algorithm, so far, has not done this yet, and is still recommending me stuff in English, despite me aggressively liking basically all of the Estonian videos I watch and nothing else.

Troubleshooting

I've noticed that it's been easier to remember to do the podcast listening in Dutch and the youtube videos in Italian because I already have habits related to opening those apps, whereas I don't have habits around using tiktok so I kept forgetting to open it and look at some Estonian videos. But a couple days ago I moved the tiktok app on my phone to a more visible location, and now it's getting easier to remember.

Something else very weird that I noticed about listening is that when I play the tracks on my phone fairly loudly, it's relatively easy to focus on trying to listen to them, sometimes while playing a simple visual game on my phone for something to fiddle with (I've already noticed that unfamiliar languages need to be played louder than familiar ones). But when I beam the podcast over to my speaker at a distance, suddenly I very quickly start tuning out the unfamiliar language and opening up apps that involve reading and completely ignoring it. I have no problems listening to podcasts on speakers in English; in fact, it's my preferred method when I'm at home, but for some reason this causes my brain to reclassify Dutch as background noise to be ignored, even if it's the same loudness as it would be when it's played right near me. Super weird, has anyone else ever noticed anything like this?

Previously in Language Guinea Pig Diaries:

Summer 2024 travel plans and Language Guinea Pig Diaries

[shippingmyworld]

What are your headcanons on how Danny and Sam's relationship ended? I'm interested on how you see Danny's background because I really like how you write him! He's just so *devours him in the way an animal would eat meat and leaves a clean bone behind*

A wild animal devouring a corpse, to my writing? *sniffles* that's so kind of you to say =D

I kinda touched on how I think the Sam x Danny ship sunk a little bit in this ask here, but your ask got me thinking about it again. I've gone a bit more into detail below the cut (apologies for the word vomit because it's a lot lol)

There are a few factors that I think played into the ending of Sam and Danny's relationship, but I think the biggest part of it would be that Sam takes a step away from ghost hunting as time goes gone. I mentioned that I think Danny and Sam's relationship lasted like 4 months tops following the shows finale. That's because I think that big ghost activity died down following Phantom Planet. There's an unspoken truce that holds between the Ghost Zone and Amity Park for a while. Ghosts still cross over now and then to fulfill their desires and feed of human emotions, but the haunting stuff is mostly harmless now (i.e., Ember crashes a few open mic nights to play music, Lunch Lady breaks into restaurants right before opening to do kitchen prep work, Box Ghost rearranges the contents of warehouses overnight to his own liking). Since this stuff is all sort of juvenile annoyance now, Tucker and Sam don't really need to tag along to help Danny. In fact, most of the time that they do tag along, Danny just has to frown at the offending ghost and they'll begrudgingly fly themselves back to the Ghost Zone without a fight.

Now that ghost hunting is more or less 'boring' and require no effort from Tucker and Sam, they start focusing on their own things. I think that with Sam's personality, she wouldn't want to simply ride through life on her families wealth. She'd want to double down on her studies and get into a college that could help her get out and actually make a change in the world (I personally see her trying to get a double degree in Sustainably Sciences and Zoology or something so she can work with endangered animals and better their society for the environment). I think Tucker would be the type of person to try and capitalize on how fast technology and social media is growing and try and make his living that way. The show takes place vaguely between 2005 and 2009, when stuff like YouTube is in its infancy after all. I personally feel that with his personality (and vanity), he'd absolutely eat up the attention being an internet personality naturally comes with and would want to dedicate himself fully to cultivating it.

Inadvertently, cutting down on ghost hunting to focus on their own desires means that they're cutting also down on Danny time.

When Tucker turns down a ghost hunt with Danny the first time, it doesn't affect Danny that much. After all, their relationship hasn't changed. They're still best friends, and they've had years to get to know each other. When Sam however, turns down Danny the first time, it becomes a very big deal and strikes painfully in Danny's heart in a way he wasn't expecting. After all, their relationship as a couple is still new at this point. Being boyfriend and girlfriend is still uncharted waters. Danny expected some change, but Sam acting the same as normal makes him start to question if this is the kind of romantic relationship he wants.

Danny is over-protective (Jazz with Johnny 13, Sam with Gregor, Maddie with Vlad), which I believe is a sign that Danny is codependent to a slightly unhealthy degree. He wouldn't be aware of this facet of his personality at this point in time, simply because Tucker and/or Sam have always been at his side when it came to ghost hunting. But once Sam innocently sends him off to deal with the hunt on his own (she thinks nothing of it, just that she's really got to get home and study for this test next week), Danny's perception of Sam changes. He becomes hyperaware that she's her own human person, with her own dreams and ambitions that are different from his own.

It's not immediate, but the intrusive thoughts start to fester in the back of his mind. Sam can simply step away from ghost activity when she wants to. Hell, she could move out of Amity Park and away from this ghost hot spot (which she will probably do with her ambition of wanting to change the world). Danny however, can't. He'll literally always be aware of ghost activity, no matter where he is, because he himself is half-ghost. Doesn't that mean that Sam might chose to step away from him one day? If she wants to take a break from ghosts, then that means she wants a break from Danny, doesn't it? Danny doesn't voice these concerns though, letting them warp his thoughts and perceptions until it quickly becomes a 'fact' inside his head that Sam will leave him one day. He'll realize that he doesn't want Sam to walk out of his life because she's important to him, which only gives him more reason to not communicate these feelings because that will accelerate her departure.

However, that opens up a whole new can of worms because why is she someone that's just 'Important to him?' Doesn't he love her? Yes, absolutely, she's irreplaceable. But does that mean he loves her romantically, or platonically? Is she just a convenient replacement for the lingering affections he had for Valarie (yes but he won't admit it)? The longer he lets himself think about it and reflect on what he wants out of a romantic relationship, the more he will close himself off because he doesn't want to accidentally say the wrong thing and lose Sam.

Sam however, isn't as dense as Danny thinks she is. She quickly notices that something is bothering him. However, the first few times she tries broaching the subject, Danny shuts down. Sam will chose to drop the conversation immediately after the first rejection and wait for Danny to feel comfortable enough to share his feeling with her. However, this isn't what Danny wants. Danny wants someone that will call him on his bullshit, someone that will storm through the Ghost Zone if need be, someone as headstrong as he is that will pester him into opening up about what's bother him because that shows that they are actually concerned about his well-being.

(*Cough* Manny-no-tact-Rivera *Cough*)

It's not enough for someone to just physically be there with him. Danny's love language is seeing/hearing someone show concern for him, stuff like words of affirmation and choosing to actively engage and talk about both halves of his life. This is important to him, especially since I believe he's very self-conscious about the ghost half of his life. He doesn't show it, but all hatred the town and his parents showed towards ghosts in his early years deeply affected him; he wants someone to talk to about this half of his life because it will make him more comfortable with himself.

Since Sam believes the right thing to do is back down, this causes more strife their relationship. And what's terrible about it isn't because they don't like each other, it's simply because their perceptions of a healthy relationship are fundamentally different and they haven't been able to communicate this to each other. Danny believes that a good relationship is a partnership with both partners willingly engage and are involved in pretty much every aspect of each other's lives; whereas Sam believes that each person in the relationship should be independent to a large degree and respect the boundaries that their partner sets.

Incidentally, Danny subconsciously puts a pin this train of thought and references it later when questioning his own sexuality; when he's reflecting on it all later (once the dust from his and Sam's breakup settles) he realizes that the gender of the person he's with doesn't matter to him. What matters to him is everything above (I headcanon Danny as identifying as Demisexual and Biromantic).

As time goes on, Sam and Danny's relationship continues to sour. Just like how Danny's letting his emotions and intrusive thoughts fester, Sam is too. She's starting to get upset that Danny's not sharing whatever is bothering him with her. Does that mean he doesn't trust her enough to be vulnerable and honest with her? Again, neither person is communicating this with each other, and they start to not enjoy each other's company.

Then, the whole thing comes to a head during a trio game night. Tucker, Sam, and Danny are playing an online co-op. Sam and Danny can't seem to get it together, resulting in Tucker going 1v3 against the enemy team. When Tucker asks why their coordination sucks, Sam's annoyance with losing the game will make her remark about how Danny needs to communicate more when something is bothering him (referring to the fact he's getting spawn camped, but also their relationship). Danny shots back a remark about how she needs to be more aware of when something is happening to her team and stop focusing solely on her own task (the spawn camper and their relationship again). The passive-aggressive remarks escalate until it becomes a full blown shouting match and eventually they end up saying they both think they should break up mid-match.

Meanwhile poor Tucker is just sitting there listening to them argue on headset like:

I already mentioned in the other ask that Danny and Sam would eventually reconcile, talk, and remain friends (thanks to Tucker getting annoyed at them) so I won't retype all that here. Instead, I'm going to throw in that I think following the break-up, Danny would lean much heavier into his friendship with Tucker.

I think Danny would ugly cry in Tucker's arms following his breakup with Sam, believing that he's forever lost someone important that's been in his life since second grade (and as a high school teenager barely 15 years old at this point, that's pretty much his entire life). He basically lets everything he was holding back from Sam spill to Tucker in the most dramatic version emotional sobbing. Tucker's gotta verbally reassure him that he's not going to walk out of Danny's life, even if he becomes some techno billionaire one day. This does actually help Danny calm down and start to think rationally again, instead of emotionally.

In fact, this sob session is what start Tucker on the path to wanting to make his friends reconcile again because he knows that the whole situation came about from poor communication. When he does get Sam and Danny to talk it out, it ends up being one of those really deep conversation you have at slumber parties at like 3am when no one can sleep. They end up talking about the future they all want, what they all value in their lives, and basically reaffirming their friendship with each other. Sam and Danny agree that what they want out of a romantic relationship with someone is fundamentally different, so they should just be friends instead. They also agree they both have some unhealthy habits, and that they will call each other on them should they ever see the other person fall into them again.

Tucker meanwhile says this will make great content for his channel, and Sam and Danny both instantly turn on Tucker and says they'll sue if he uploads anything about them.

[anheliotrope]

So here's my WR run. It's uncommented so frankly it's kind of boring. I'm going to use this post instead to babble about my Journey.

Hero Beggining

I started out because I saw Nitram and Ramisme doing a DXRando race on YouTube and I thought it was the coolest shit ever.

I've missed the train on a lot of online activities in the past. There are more communities and gaming eras I missed out on than I can count. Largely due to EF or lack of knowledge or just... passivity. I decided I can't let another one just slide past me, so I joined.

The community was very encouraging and after doing my first run at 3h12m I was thinking... damn this shit is exhausting and I can't imagine ever being as good as Ramisme or Nitram!!

3h-2h30m

I kept going though. I didn't want or need to be the best. I was enjoying myself and knew there was a lot of room to improve. By the time I got down to 2h30m I realized I could beat the time of the head developer of the mod. I found the idea very appealing for whatever reason and made it my target.

Feeling like I had so much room to improve and entering this iterative process was amazing. Not a lot of games give you that. You often progress through games and you often add more layers of complexity, but it's actually quite rare for an experience to be centered so much around self-improvement and doing better. It's even rarer that you actually feel that improvement pretty much constantly. I can get significantly better at Starcraft 2, or AoE2, or MOBA, but thanks to EloGPT I'm generally not going to feel it as much. And there's so much stupid bullshit those games throw at you that it often distracts you from being an effective improooover.

2h30m-1h50m

Once I got close to 2h, improving at the game became easier because it took less time to get a complete run. The iterative process became even smoother now. Every run had a dozen low hanging fruits I could get better and better at picking up.

This is where I became better than the devs, which was quite satisfying. Of course, they spent most of their time actually making the game, but I'd take anything I could get! This was still in the range of "any dedicated gamer could probably get this".

Also towards the end of this segment I had memorized all the goal locations (which are exhaustively listed on the wiki and can be seen via an in-game feature too!) and most of the important datacubes. A significant chunk of annoying busywork was now finished and I could focus on the fun stuff.

I would say that 2h10m to 1h40m was the most enjoyable segment overall. It had an ideal balance of exploration and optimization, of enjoyment and tryharding.

1h50m-1h30m

Once I hit 1h50m I was getting closer to the top two runners, but I still thought that there's probably no way I can ever beat them. After all, they'd pump out 1h30m runs on average.

I thought I could at least get to 1h30m. You know, my best could be as good as their average, right? So I made my way there. This segment was weird and still very enjoyable. The weirdness comes from running out of low hanging fruit and having to shift approach gradually.

Getting closer to 1h30m is where a lot of tricks become more relevant. You unlock a plethora of them because earlier it wasn't worth doing them. Saving half a minute when your total time is 2h is nothing, especially since you have more important things to improve on. As you go below 2h, this changes.

You learn how to jump over laser tripwires, where to use thermoptic camo to phase through said tripwires, places to jump to avoid triggers. You learn you can shoot the LAW through solid walls because it spawns the rocket a bit in front of the player model. You learn how to quickly fall down ladders and catch yourself at the last moment. You learn you can go down one path in the game, memorize or write down a code, then load the game so you don't need to spend time backtracking. You learn you can shoot weapons while in water if you emerge from the water in a specific way and shoot at the right time. You learn you can destroy the generator by throwing a LAM in a completely different room because the generator is part of a family of objects in the engine that don't do LOS checks for explosions.

Some of the tricks are annoying to do, others feel good to have in your belt. Overall, the game is mercifully sparse on heavy micro tricks. The developers intentionally made the speed+jump aug cost 1 energy when you activate it, to avoid creating a meta where you activate the aug, jump, deactivate, activate on land, jump again -- this would reduce your energy cost to 0 and make you almost as fast as using the aug the regular way. We lucked out that the base game isn't very micro-exploitable and the devs took decisions to minimize that as well. I really really liked this because it allowed me to focus on the things that felt meaningful in the game.

Race Interlude

At some point I participated in my first race. Just a while ago I was admiring Nitram and Ramisme as shiny gods in that YouTube video of their race. And now I'm racing alongside them! The race was exhilarating and humiliating. I ended up over 10m behind them, which looks really bad when all the video feeds are playing side by side. But I did not regret it and for at least half an hour it looked like I could have kept pace.

1h30m-1h20m

I went back to focusing on speedrunning rather than races. I had joined to do races, but I was hooked on getting closer to the WR. I wanted to see how close I could get. For races you needed to find people to do them with and there was some pressure to broadcast them on Twitch, which made speedrunning the easier activity to reach for.

My behaviour became more competitive and a bit degenerative, but the way I approached it was highly effective. I would quit very eagerly the moment I made a major mistake or knew that the current seed wasn't good enough.

I was told I shouldn't do that because I'll never learn later levels or never learn how to recover from a mistake. This is true, but irrelevant for winning the world record. My goal was to not make mistakes on an ideal seed. As I got closer to the WR, this behaviour intensified.

It made my early game much better than my late game for sure, but that's fine, because the early game is simply more impactful. The pace you establish, the resources you get or miss, these things set the tone for the rest of the game.

This is also where frustration started mounting and managing my emotional state became an actual thing.

The truth is that resetting seeds a lot was the most unfun part of the experience. I developed a whole list of heuristics to decide when to reset a seed. My criteria was brutal compared to the other runners.

Because they would often by streaming, there was probably some social pressure to not reset too much. Since I wasn't streaming most of the time, I felt no such pressure. But yes, there was a part of the game that was hella grindy.

No aug upgrade can in mission 2? Restart. Boat is at Filben's? Restart. No biocells found in UNATCO? Restart. Bad Plasma? Hmm. Bad Plasma and no GEP Gun? Restart. etc.

My approach worked.

This is also where I complained to the devs a lot to try to change the game in ways that will reduce the incentives for resetting early. But the problem is fundamentally unsolvable on a game design level and I can maybe get into why in a different post.

1h20m-WR

Once I got to 1h20m and maybe a bit before that, my attitude changed even more. I had gone from "WR is not something I should even try" to "maybe I could get WR some day" to "it is only a matter of time until I get WR. I'm better at this."

I was overplaying and the grind was a drain. My high level of confidence actually made finding a good seed frustrating. And sometimes when I found an amazing seed, I'd still fuck it up and the level of pain this would generate was immense and maybe a bit delectable. Conversely, managing to improve at this point felt rather momentous.

I was definitely playing more than was optimal for improvement and for enjoyment. There are a lot of activities I've suddenly lost interest in over the course of my life. Never gaming as a whole, but I've definitely had moments where, in a couple of days, I went from really wanting to play a game to not wanting to play it at all. I was terrified this might happen. Or that somehow the community would fall apart or disappear. I wanted to ride this experience for all it was worth now, not later. I didn't want to have another "I wonder what would have been" entry in my life.

When I was on my WR run, I was sleep deprived and somewhat dispirited. I was feeling like the seed is probably not good enough and that I've made way too many mistakes. It was the last run of the day, it was well past midnight.

I had a near WR run where my hands were shaking at the end, something I get rarely. I had a bit of that during the WR run too -- it was caused by getting a lucky break that elevated the run from "hmm probably not good enough" to "oh god, I HAVE to perform now. I CAN'T waste this."

And I didn't waste it! I got the WR! I already don't even remember the feeling well all that well. Being so sleep deprived didn't help. It felt somewhat surreal. I'm not the most emotionally reactive person, but I was definitely happy. I was happy the next day. And the day after. Then I started getting the "oh shit what now" feeling. Which is why it took me so long to even talk about this here.

Closing Remarks

In retrospect, I really wish I could redo my journey before hitting 1h30m or so. It was the most fun I've had in a long time. But you can kind of only do that once. A "you can play Dark Souls the first time only once" sort of thing. Which is why I'd really like to see more people playing, but this is a pretty niche activity.

Because of the grind of resetting runs and finding good seeds, I don't think I will ever target WR like that again. I think speedrun races, where players play the same seed with no advance knowledge are strictly superior. They can be done async provided the runners trust each other. They are a fundamentally healthier and more sustainable way of approaching the game. WR speedrunning gets less fun the more optimized the WR is.

Additionally competing for WR is something only a few people can do. Doing speedrun races is something anyone can do provided they find at least one opponent of a similar skill level. It's an underappreciated and esoteric way of gaming, but it's good!

Speedrung DXRando was a valuable experience and I'm not sure that I could have gotten it from any other game. DXRando is lighting in a bottle! The way you iteratively improve at the game can be likened to Hades or maybe Binding of Isaac in some sense, maybe? The difference is that the former two are roguelite and their action component is entirely different from DXRando. Additionally their time pressure component is highly optional, the game isn't built around it.

DXRando is a very unlikely game to exist. It's very unlikely any gamedevs will make a game that is anywhere similar to DXRando at all in terms of gameplay. It's basically a high time pressure roguelike FPS/RPG. It's possible that for a decade or even my remaining life, I won't see this kind of gaming experience replicated.

The high time pressure part is so important. I cannot overstate how important it is. Deus Ex is a game that is incredibly easy once you have advance knowledge of it. There just isn't that much skill to defeating the AI.

You can wrack your brain trying to think how to fix this from a game design perspective. Imagine you could mod the game however you wanted -- what do you even do so that veteran players still feel engaged? Or even just players that are good at this type of game? You can add more exploration, that always works. But adding things to explore is one of the most costly approaches in terms of game development. It takes a team 8 years to make a new campaign for Deus Ex which I finish in 15-40 hours of gameplay.

Time pressure however solves it extremely well. People tend to hate time pressure, but I think it is severely underexploited. It can turn trivial encounters into harder ones without needing to make the game more complex. It's a niche but very valuable game design tool which is often ignored, frankly for good reason, but in this case it reinvigorated and transfigured a game that I thought had permanently dried out for me in terms of enjoyment.

Maybe something similar already to DXRando already exists out there and I'm ignorant of it. I'm pretty ignorant of most randomizer content. A lot of randomizer stuff comes off as silly. Even DXRando has a very funny memey picture of JC Denton associated to it. But the gameplay value is way beyond that of funny hijinks.

[wenellyb]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I feel that people who say stuff like this are straight up lying? Or is there some important piece of information I'm missing?

It's unbelievable to me that some people would like that non-canon ships like Stucky or any other non-canon ships paved the way for representation in modern media. Unbelievable.

Destiel, maybe, because of how big the fandom is/was but even Supernatural and even Destiel started out small and got popular because of the fandom and the ship(s).

I feel like people who saying they started shipping non-canon couples because their wasn't any LGBT representation in the media at the time aren't being genuine. I say that because before joining Tumblr, I didn't even know shipping non-canon couples was a thing (I had heard of Destiel, but it was more of a concept to me, even though I unironically watched SPN).

I feel that was they mean is that there wasn't any representation in popular shows or maybe they mean they weren't enough main characters. But otherwise there was!!!

These are just the one I can think of on the top of my head, but there are much more and there is en more if you go outside of the US. And these are just the shows.

If we add the movies... well!!!

You want romance with a Happy Ending?

You want Murder Mystery?

You want Drama?

There are so many many more and, yes these weren't blockbusters but it's not "no représentation and Stucky and Destiel were the only options"

Grey's Anatomy started out at the exact same time as Supernatural and now has over a dozen canon LGBT characters and half of them are/were main characters (Callie, Arizona, Amelia, Teddy, Yasuda, Helm)

When I joined Tumblr, I never even for a minute thought shipping was about representation or activism because there were so many shows and movies I knew but they were barely talked about on here.

Not criticizing ships by any means but I feel like people are trying to pretend that shipping is something it isn't.

In my humble opinion, non-canon ships were never about representation. Shipping was just shipping

I wasn't on Tumblr at the time, but I was on Youtube (old school) and to me, the people who were doing edits of the canon ships, in shows and movies were the real heroes.

Some people might say : "but those characters are side characters or weren't in major blockbusters/popular shows".

But fandoms could have decided to make them more popular if they wanted. Because believe it or not, Supernatural was a niche show at the beginning and I don't think it would have been as popular or gotten as many seasons without the shippers. They chose to make the non-canon couple (at the time) popular. So the fans could have done the same with shows that have canon LGBT characters But they didn't, they focused on non-canon couples.

I have no problem with shipping non-canon couples at all, I do it too, but I'm really surprised by people who want to make it seem like it's some kind of activism... It's not.

And I know there wasn't enough representation that's true, but why focus your energy on shows with absolutely no canon LGBT characters and pretend it's activism??

You guys could have had Noah's arc or Hit the Floor renewed and you focused your energy on Marvel characters.

And some people will say they ship Destiel anyway because they want fantasy and paranormal... Well does nobody remember Dante's Cove? Was it a fever dream😂? I admit the writing was bad, but have you seen the writing in Supernatural (I say this as a SPN fan)???

And I know some people will say they ship Marvel characters because they have a bigger audience and there were no canon Queer characters in blockbusters, but I feel like that a lie too because when there were indeed Queer characters in those blockbusters, they were ignored as well. Like in the Eternals.

Fandoms can be so powerful when they want to...they can make or break a movie, so acting like the focus on non canon couples was the only option surprises me.

Shipping is just about shipping. It's a hobby.

Stucky or any non-canon Marvel ship isn't "History", it's just a ship.

Last exemple: Let's take a look at 2 popular couples from the same franchise: 9-1-1 and 911: Lone Star. Only one of the couples in canon, but Can you Guess which one is more popular on Ao3 and on Tumblr ?

The non-canon couple!

Almost 3 Times as much fics for Buddie than TK x Carlos who are an actualcouple and even got married!

Shipping non-canon couples isn't about representation but about finding a story to fantasize about, which isn't bad itself but it's bad when you pretend shipping is something it isn't?

TL:DR: Shipping non-canon couples isn't activism imo.

I would be happy to hear tour thoughts because as I said, I only joined Tumblr later so I don't have all the info.

[rezdragon]

Hello! My name is RezDragon, and you've found your way to my update social. I use this space as a sort of live blog for projects I'm working on, as well as give by the day updates on current and new projects. I occasionally reblog posts here, but they're always either related to creating/art, or are related to my work in some way. Reblogs are tagged with "reblogs" if you want to blacklist those posts and not see them.

So what is it that I do? I'm an artist is the easiest way to explain it, working with all sorts of different mediums to express myself, my emotions, and how I feel. Sometimes stories come out. A lot of my work has a heavy focus on mental health and other such dark topics that come along with it. Being a person who suffers from mental health disorders myself, I want to tell my story, share my darkness, and get it out of my system. I share this with the world in hopes of it being cathartic for others as well, giving them a safe space to retreat to the dark if they need it.

In other words, Vent Art is the primary focus of my entire body of work. If that ain't your thing, I highly suggest you do not continue, you won't like it here.

All of the work I post is filtered under specific tags here, they are as followed:

Rez Art - All of the visual art I post here, whether its vector art or photomanipulation. Films - When I release something on my Youtube, I post it here too. Music - When I release a new track, it goes under this tag. Audio - Generic tag for any audio posts that are not music; things such as bloopers, weird sounds I find, etc. Deep Dives - Randomly I'll just write a big article about either a particular piece of work, or theme in my work. These are tagged under this. Collections - Sometimes I post about my little collections and file them under this.

My tumblr is the catch all for EVERYTHING I do, but you can find me elsewhere doing more specific things.

Sheezy - Where I post my visual art, sometimes music, mostly art. I also have an Instagram, but I pretty much only use that as a portfolio (i.e. only my best stuff gets posted there). I am SUPER active on Sheezy. Youtube - Films & Full albums mostly, although I also make videos where I take a deeper look into my work, as well as explaining some of my creative process. Bandcamp & Music Youtube - Music only places. Bandcamp only gets updated with new albums. Music Youtube gets updated with new tracks. Newgrounds - Mostly post music there; it's where you can get the downloads to singles that aren't on an album yet. BlueSky - Another catch all, kinda just there to hang out.

Get to know my cast of idiots

Rez Addison - Protagonist of The Disaster Archives. Angry and sad all the time, takes out her frustrations with her gun, and stinks. She stole my name, don't worry about it. Ash - She is both the protagonist of Running With the Devil and my Smashsona, but each version are two separate people. Confusing, I know. RWTD Ash is a cat that bites, but also hates herself more than anything. Persona Ash is a god and does not care about anything other than death. Here's a helpful graph on their differences. Orintheous - Antagonist of Orintheous' Revenge and my oldest character period (first made in 2002). Angry grandma who drinks and hates Rez Addison with a passion. There's way more than that, but these are the most important three to remember as they're referenced the most.

None of these characters exist in the same universe, but sometimes I make art where they cross over. For fun.

"Hey, question, are you a Persona 5 fan or something? What's with all the Joker?"

Short answer: No, I'm a Joker main in Smash and he's my gender. Long answer:

Thanks for stopping by!

[foxxyrola]

Step 0: Learning to Learn

The biggest challenge in my self improvement journey begins with a question: "How in the nine hells am I supposed to sit my ass down and learn anything? My body just keeps pacing around, looking for yet another distraction. iwi"

Don't get me wrong, I desperately want to apply myself, just struggle in the initiation. And the follow through. I would take a few lessons in learning Godot for game making, then move on to something else, new and shiny. I'd learn all the Hiragana, but then not touch the Japanese language for weeks. All ambition, no action, or something like that.

Being fed up with this, I do get moments where honestly I sometimes just have to, well... Do things! Anything. I'm desperate for the dopamine hit of accomplishing something non vidya gayme related. I have to plant my ass in a chair (even if it takes an hour of pacing before I can even settle down), and give myself something to focus on as if it's life or death. I'd journal when I can. Watch some informative videos without absorbing much of it. Get stuck passively on self help YouTube and all that.

Well... It seems I got something out of it. Lately been looking into Cybersecurity (just a surface dive, like most of my dives are) and in addition to learning a little about certifications and stuff, I discovered that Coursera is a good place to find some lessons (for free too mind you, as long as you don't need their certificates or whatevs) not just for coding, but for many other things.

This is one of these (free) courses that I found: https://www.coursera.org/learn/learning-how-to-learn

Yup, learning how to learn. Seems cheesy. Almost blew it off and didn't take it. But hey, night shifts give me a bit of free time each night, so chooms, I jumped in about a week ago and without a doubt, I certainly do not regret it.

So far in the first week of the course I watched all the necessary videos, and passed the simple quizzes for week 1. The course establishes two modes of thinking every human uses: focused and diffuse. Focused being when you think deeply on something you know how to solve already, following established prestructured neural pathways. Diffuse on the other hand being that abstract association you get when you passively sift through your brain, in sleep and relaxing, and when you're not actively looking for a concrete solution but rather let your mind wander and put things together.

Now, I've heard about routine and pomodoro techniques and taking breaks to space out learning, but it seems that with this course, something clicked. Applying the things I learned by taking personal summary notes afterwards and both actively and passively thinking about what I've just absorbed, I suddenly felt fulfilled.

I started a self care routine (nothing super much yet, just 2 hours of unwinding and exercise and meditating before bed among other things) by setting up a schedule in an app I found called RoutineFlow. Yeah, I'm not getting it consistently yet, but every day I try to at least take a step to do what I gotta do, that little push that'll help me work through stuff. I just want to get myself to do the basics so that I can grow from there.

Then I encountered my first obstacle: taking notes. The Learning to Learn course has optional materials: readings, interviews, all that fun scop. I go through fairly passively til I encounter one material. A short paper with notes on note taking from Harvard. Some 30 pages. I know I need this, I know I need to sit down and do this as it'll help.

But I couldn't do it. One day, then another day, then the weekend passes, and now I'm back at work again on Monday. My legs are restless, can't seem to sit down and do things.

So I start writing this blog. Immediately afterwards... I still can't do it.

I walk around, pace, try and sit down... Another 30 minutes passes before I open things up and begin taking notes. I literally force myself to sit, set a 25 minute pomodoro... Ok now just gotta focus in this time. Come on I can do it...!

Oh hey I'm doing it! I'm actually doing it! I start learning the material, taking some Cornell Notes on it(a good way to review notes and test yourself die to its structure) as soon as the time'l ran up, I take a break. Wow! That actually wasn't so hard. The hardest part was just sitting down and telling myself that this is what I wanna learn.

So over my free time at work over a few 25 min sessions, I learnt the importance of taking notes in my own words, reviewing them often but not cramming all at once, and testing myself on my knowledge.

It was just that first step. But hey, the more I do this, the easier it gets! Consistency, that's the name of the game. I may not have learned any new coding skills or any new words or anything, but the experience has been a most important one.

Anyways, as I finish this up, it is now time for my morning self care routine. Feeling accomplished, I think things can only get easier if I keep setting aside the time and rewarding myself consistently.

Just gotta put my ass in the chair.

[suzdotranslation]

[Interview TL] 4Gamer’s Weekly VTuber Files #29 - Minase Rio

Source

Name: Minase Rio Company: Holostars (UPROAR!!) Streaming platform: YouTube SNS: X (Twitter) Hashtags: Live #燐央顕現中 / Fanart #燐央絵 / Clips #お試し燐央 Character/Model designer: KEKI Debut Date: March 30th, 2022 Birthday Date: July 26th Height: 170cm Introduction: "You can see me too? This place is quite lively and fun, it's where I truly belong." A ghost who previously died carrying his determination to be an idol. Since then, he has spent the days lingering around, but Fuma's invitation made him walk toward the path of an idol once more. He doesn't like scary things and ghosts beside himself.

10 QUESTIONS FOR VTUBERS

Q01. Tell us your main (streaming) content! I mainly do singing and gaming streams! For singing, a lot of the songs I picked are pretty uncommon for male singers because they often use high-pitched tones! As for gaming stream, when I was still alive I grew up in a household that rarely gives me the opportunity to play games, so now I'm using all the time I have now to experience different kinds of games! I especially like those that focus on the storyline.

Q02. What was the cue that kickstarted your streaming activity? When I became a ghost out of nowhere, I received an audition invitation from my then-genmate Yatogami Fuma!

Q03. Please recommend us your “newcomer’s friendly” videos or stream archive! If you like singing streams then I recommend you to check out my recent 3D live from February this year "Live Without Limits", and my 3D debut live as well! But if you prefer gaming streams, my short horror-game streams and the currently ongoing (as of the writing of this article) streams for Persona 3 Reload are my recommendation! I like to challenge a lot of things like collabs and stuff I've never tried before for this year, so please look forward to any cover uploads too! There are so many things I want to show to everyone…! (lol)

Q04. Tell us things that you like or something you’re good at! Related to streaming, I love story-focused games a lot! I started my activity with no prior experience in playing games, so I've been enjoying my time starting all these popular titles for the first time. It's easy for me to feel empathetic towards the stories so oftentimes my knowledgeable viewers (who have played the game) have been kindly watching me through with a smile. Outside of streaming activity, I'm good at cooking! Although rather than making a fancy-looking meal, I'm good at cooking something tasty with whatever ingredients I have! (lol)

Q05. Tell us a hobby or content that has piqued your interest lately! Both of these are manga but I just really wanted to introduce these titles to everyone…! The first one is "Kemonokuni/Beast Country"! It's a gut-wrenching series about a human who becomes a slave to a beast, every character is really charming, and it's a really interesting series that makes you ponder about the feelings of both humans and beasts alike. It's updated biweekly every Wednesday so I've been reading it diligently! The second one is "Omae, Tanuki ni Naranee ka?/Would you like to be a Tanuki?"! I first started reading it because I find the Tanuki cute!! But more than that, the characters who appeared in the series are also as lovely, and the stories are mostly very heartwarming. Some stories are pretty light-hearted and short, but other times you'll find some chapters that allude to the next one with apt foreshadowing which makes you interested in the continuation!

Q06. Is there any VTuber around that has caught your attention? Let us know! If I started talking about all of the seniors and juniors from the same company I'm in, I wouldn't have enough time to introduce them all. So I'd like to introduce someone outside of it or rather, someone that I'm not personally involved with yet… To be honest, recently I've been paying attention to Kannagi Tenri-san. I always like watching streams of people with good singing skills, be it from my seniors/juniors, other companies', or even indies. Among that, I found out about Kannagi-san– not only she is an overwhelmingly skillful singer, but she's also capable of conveying the emotion of the songs in such graceful ways in my opinion.

Q07. What are other things you’re paying attention to other than VTubers? Within the music industry it's Yuuri-san, while in voice acting it's Chiba Shouya-san! I've been a fan of Yuuri-san's songs from the start, and I've probably sung his songs a lot in most of my singing streams already. Even after he became a successful artist, there are various projects done over at YouTube including discovering new-gen talents, as a performer there are many things I could learn from him. I've known Chiba-san after knowing he was cast as the protagonist of a certain game. This opinion comes from my amateur self but, I thought of him as someone who’s capable of bringing the character’s emotion alive, making his performance a marvelous one. It’s also thanks to his wonderful performance that I’m able to find many amazing works!

Q08. Is there a recent thing that left a deep impression on you, and is there anything else you’d like to try out? Since I worked mainly while utilizing my voice, I'd like to challenge myself with other things besides singing! Also, I really like tea so I'd like to have a job where I could introduce various tea variants as well as make my own flavored tea.

Q09. What sort of content you’d like to challenge yourself for now? Maybe performing on a live stage outside of my own company, I'd like to sing in various places! For that reason, I also want to make more original songs!

Q10. Tell us your message to the readers! Thank you to everyone who has been reading up on this part!! If anyone here holds an interest in me after reading this article, feel free to drop by my stream! Besides me, there are also many other Hololive Production talents you can see almost everyday! It makes me happy if you were able to find “someone” who could bring out the colors of your life. Even more if that “someone” happens to be me! (lol)

[magic-is-something-we-create]

2023 recap + 2024 plans

i wrote 261,200 words in 2023; 172,500 of those for Whispers, 88,700 for Goddess-Touched!

i read 16 books to completion, beta'd for an additional 2, am currently reading 3, and got partway through 5 others before having to put them down.

i maintained my streaming schedule with only a handful of emergency-related exceptions, and drew, uh, a shit ton over the course of the year!

writing goals for 2024:

fix Echoseers (full stylistic rewrite, along with some plot tweaks)

finish the first draft of Goddess-Touched (and edit it hardcore as well)

work on as-yet-unnamed book 4 of tms

fix up Whispers with the added feedback of beta readers

start querying Whispers (i'll look into self publishing down the road if i don't end up finding an agent. the way my brain functions i must cling to the hope of not having to market it myself tooth and nail for the time being)

POTENTIALLY. if my brain fixates on it. write the script for The Lost so that i actually have something to work with to make the comic happen

one of my offline friends is starting to get into writing, and im hoping to help them through some of the early rough patches and potentially co-write a thing with them!!

i completely dropped the ball on the weekly writing updates so im gonna try and get back to that on wednesday. and potentially get back into the weekly ask games!

non-writing goals for 2024:

youtube. i want to make speedpaints and worldbuilding videos and shit. ive already made the basic animation stuff to have a lil sona to do the gesturing for me and i know how to make videos i just havent done it in a While

twitch!! i want to stream a bit more often because its fun and if i let myself branch out into video games as well as art itll be easier to do that. u might see me streaming in the evenings sometime soon. (psst im not streaming this weekend as im still doing a shit ton of holiday/social stuff but the weekend of the 13th ill be back to both patreon and twitch baybee)

SPEAKING OF i want to get my shit together enough to do like. monthly short story releases for my patrons/ko-fi members. early access, that is, so if i post one in january, it'll be posted here a month or two later for all to see/read

i want to read as many books as i did in 2023, if not more! im also considering adding book reviews/thoughts to youtube or patreon/ko-fi perks

my weekend hiatuses aren't going anywhere. having time where im not actively engaging with tumblr + don't feel obligated to do Anything online has done wonders for my mental health and i highly recommend it. focus mode on my phone and leechblock on desktop has helped so so so much

and that's all i'm sharing here!! i hope 2024 is a better year for all than the last <3

[spaceyflowers]

hi!! im still alive!! + updates on this blog

first: i would like to apologize for disappearing without a word for like. nearly a year. im terribly sorry for any worry i've caused T_T;;

honestly i have no good excuse for disappearing like i did especially without reason (not that im obligated to let everyone know my business but i did have a "i wont randomly disappear!" sentiment and yet... here i am) but in a nutshell, its basically: fandom shifts, college, and guilt.

if you want to know about the future of this blog fandom wise;

still going to be a lookism/viral hit blog (havent caught up yet) but most likely wont be as active in the fandom anymore;;; thinking of sticking as a lookism blog until that series ends but who knows when it will so i might eventually just change fandoms 😭

please dont feel bad about unfollowing or anything!! curate what u wanna see with who u follow, i take no personal offense, even if we've been long time mutuals!! ><

fandom shifts will probably be more common; i have this weird thing where i cant focus on multiple interests or i get stressed;; so i get obsessed with one thing for months/years but then once i lose interest and move on, its likely i wont return to it unless something triggers it. thats why i dont think "multifandom" fits me, i'll always be fandom focused, its just the fandom focus changes 😭

p.s. sorry if im being dramatic about this (i feel like a youtuber who got canceled writing an apology 😭😭) i just feel like i owe yall an explanation </3

if you're curious about me, i've left that under the cut;

got into a new interest which made me stop looking at lookism/viral hit stuff -> knowing my blogs are lookism focused, i decided to take a "break"

couldnt get myself back into lookism after my "break" ended -> couldnt get myself back on tumblr

started to feel guilty because i havent been active in a long while

senior year ending, school takes my priorities -> summer break comes, i swear i'll apologize on tumblr but guilt eats away at me and then i have to do college stuff

become a little active on tiktok, start feeling more guilty because im active there but not on tumblr

college begins, get busy with college stuff -> during breaks, swear i'll apologize on tumblr pt 2 but the guilt has piled up so much it feels like the equivalent of when a person cant get themself to reopen their animal crossing new leaf game because they havent touched it in a long time

first college semester ends, winter break starts -> finally convince myself to get over it and start typing all this up

once again im really sorry T_T i was not made for the content creator life bc i cant stay active for shit + i feel so bad gaining followers for one thing but once i move on from that one thing, it feels like im disappointing a lot of ppl even tho i know i dont owe strangers on the internet anything- im just repeating myself now but yknow

oh and for anyone curious: my current fandom is dmc <3

[writingattemptsxx]

These words hurt.

Rumors swarm around NRC, but a lot of times they focus on a specific Moray eel. A Moray eel who wants it to stop. Floyd wants it to stop.

—

This spawned from a headcanon I have and I had to just write it so I didn't lose it or the motivation to write.

I had to just get this out so I didn't have a beta reader, so forgive any typos and stuff.

—

Songfic of Circus Hop by YonKaGor on Youtube. https://youtu.be/bjKLjGbL-W0?si=A1BLfTcFGZxdyZLT

—

Tw: Mentions/Allusion to Suicide, Self Harm, Depression Spiral, Bullying, Self Destructive Behavior

If you are struggling with any of this, please get help. This is not something you need to go through alone.

—

It's a comical yet devastating universe

But it's still the kind of universe that I deserve

The lipstick on my face has bled into my skin

It should show a grin

A smile. That’s what he’s known for. That smile turned from a stupid little form of appreciation for what he loved to an excuse to label him a monster.

Who was he kidding, he might as well be. Floyd was huge. He had sharp fangs and claws. He had the strength to overpower most normal people. He was manipulative. He was terrifying. He was a monster just like all the rumors said. Just give them their smile and have them running off spreading more.

Up from the sky, I won't want you to cry

So here's an act for everyone to sneer at

“Goldfishie!!!” Riddle was doing nothing but running from Floyd by now. The little redhead was interesting, that’s not possible to deny. The only issue is Floyd knew better. He is the type to generally pester people he wants to get to know, but just simple pestering won’t do anything. Riddle was powerful. He couldn’t be afraid of power and needed to show that.

His job was protection. Azul’s protection to be specific. Not too many genuinely knew that. What people did know, or think they knew, was Floyd finding Azul interesting. It was true, yes, but another thing they skipped is why he was interesting.

He was one of the first genuine forms of kindness Floyd knew beyond his parents and brother. Azul was skeptical at first, sure, but he had reason to be. No one paid attention to the “ugly” little octopus. They paid less attention when he was violently bullied. The twins gave him just some time of their day and fought off those idiots who were intent on making Azul’s day a living hell.

No one saw how his eyes lit up when someone gave him basic decency. No one saw how he gave that ounce of kindness back more than a thousand times over. No one saw his mind constantly whirling and creating hundreds and thousands of ideas that Floyd couldn't help but finally feel some ounce of hope for his future. A future where Azul would no longer be a “pushover crybaby”, and he put it and Floyd would no longer be a feared monster.

To get that, Floyd had to do whatever he could. Even this act. This act that he didn't fear for his life around power. This act that he wanted to hurt others. This act that these words didn't hurt. The act that he isn't just some scared and cowardly Moray wanting a hug.

So, sing along, it's such a silly song

The cackling carousel, it spins and never stops

The acrobat who's waiting at the top

Should do a Circus Hop

People are getting bold nowadays. Coming into Monstro Lounge and actively spreading rumors like their own waiter couldn't hear them.

“I hear he maimed someone.”

“Yah? Well, I heard he gets covered in blood almost every day.”

“Two starter salads, right here.” Honestly. Are they idiots? Spreading rumors like this in their supposed threat’s domain? Just dropping the salads off and then coming back a few minutes later only reveals them back at it. It's not like this is new. Just a few more rumors to add to the many that are constantly circling. Why was he even here anymore?

I shall now accept the fact that I'm a failure (You're a failure)

'Cause I'm still afraid the future might be scarier (It is scarier)

I'll slip while having fun and cut off my own tongue

They'll think I was dumb

Every once and a while, Floyd's mind starts to wander. Who is he kidding? That's his basic state. Azul’s promised future seemed to be turning out now, but what if something happens? What if this happens? What if that happens? Professor Trien’s getting up now? Oh yeah. There was a test wasn't there? The test’s topic was actually kind of interesting. Interesting enough for Floyd to actually spend some time reading the textbook. It was a test of the change in mer and human cultures once they started connecting.

All of this was nice until the test sheet hit down on his desk and reality gave him a nice slap to the face. Who was he kidding? He wasn't the smart one. That was, and will always be, Jade. Floyd knew none of these questions. Absolutely nothing on this sheet felt like something he'd seen before.

“And start.”

Start!? Start how? Start where? Ugh. What's the point? Why not just do his typical? Randomly bubbling different answers. At least now people will think he was just uninterested. If he actually tried and failed, people would know he was stupid, not aloof. That, if anything, was probably the scariest thing. He's gotten used to how things are now. They don't have to change.

Up from the sky, I won't want you to cry

So here's an act for everyone to sneer at

That was terrifying. An overblot. Not just any overblot. Azul’s overblot. Floyd’s best friend. The one who gave him kindness. The one who gave him hope. That Azul.

Azul was now on bed rest. Jade and Floyd were trying to take care of him despite his stubborn efforts to return to normal before his body was ready. At this point, Floyd wanted to tuck in the sheets so much that Azul couldn't get up, but luckily he couldn't do that to his dearest friend. He especially couldn't do it now that he was finally asleep.

“Floyd…” All he had to do was turn around and he could see Jade’s eyebags. It has been Jade’s job to go around and get and prepare things while Floyd was by Azul’s side taking direct care of him. Time to switch, he guesses.

“Oh, uh, yeah. Got it.”

“Also… Go to Monstro Lounge and get that tea Azul likes. I want it to be here for when he's awake.”

“On it.” With that, he was out of the room, and on his way to the lounge. It only took halfway to start hearing rumors. People just couldn't shut up, could they? What worse? It was about Azul. Did nobody have decency?

“I heard his breakdown was because his contracts were shattered.”

“I heard I started he started forcefully taking powers with a single touch!”

“All that from broken contracts? What a crybaby.”

“Oooo. Careful his guard dogs might hear you. Ooooo.”

Then they laughed. They laughed. WHO do they think they are? Because Floyd knows who they are horrible people. Luckily he knew what to do to at least shut them up.

“Hey… now what was that?” He turned the corner. The idiots froze. Stock-still. “What you can't talk now? Say what. Leave now. Don't let me see you again, and I'll be merciful.” That's all it took. They bolted. People suck.

Floyd just backed up to a wall and then slid down. This was dumb. His words were dumb. The bullies were dumb. Overblots were dumb. These tears were dumb. This constant stress is dumb. Everything was just dumb. Can't he just pause time when he and his loved ones are happy? Never mind just let those bullies run off. Let them spread increasingly horrible rumors about what he just did. None of this feels real anyway.

So, sing along, it's such a silly song

The cackling carousel, it spins and never stops

The acrobat who's waiting at the top

Should do a Circus Hop

“Hey hey! Sup?” At his voice, his classmates flinched. What? Was a simple hi dangerous now?

“Hiiii Floydddd.” They dragged out the sounds. It sounded grating. They weren't happy to see him, were they? Floyd may be dumb but he's not incapable of picking up things. Especially not if they are constantly repeated. It doesn't matter. Just keep up that dumb smile.

“Sooooo… Whatcha doing?”

“Oh! Uh… Nothing! Just packing up to return to my dorm. You know how it is… Bye!” And with that, they were off. Couldn't stand another second in his presence, could ya? What's the point of trying to make another friend again?

Trying to walk somewhere was easy enough. People shuffled out of Floyd’s way the second he was noticed. Though it felt like the worst thing possible. The stares. The stares made it horrible. Every word was laced in their glares. Violent. Scary. Malicious. Brute. Every name in the book.

Floyd shoved his books into his bag and slung it over his shoulder. What's the point anymore? What's the point of doing anything?

I've said goodbye, I don't want you to cry

So have a laugh with everyone but me.

Watching Azul and Jade work sometimes felt like something else. Two great minds competing yet working together at the same time. They were both at Azul’s desk working on the ledger or something while Floyd lies down on the sofa across from them.

Things don't even feel real anymore. Like he was watching a show. He slowly reached a shakey hand to his brother and friend. Then he realized what he was doing and snapped it back to his body before either could notice. They were doing something. He would be a bother. He just turns to lie with his back facing them.

So, sing along, it's such a silly song

The cackling carousel, it spins and never stops

The acrobat who fell down from the top

They did a little drop

So, sing along, it's such a silly song

He just sitting in his bed on the verge of tears. Both hands were on his head and had a death grip on his hair. It's dumb. It's ridiculous. It's lazy. It's... It's... Ugh! Floyd’s mind is circling. Every word said about him while they didn't know he was listening was clouding his head. It was a storm cloud that won't go away.

Just stop it! Just stop it! He let one of his hands off his head only to hammer it back down, the palm striking his temple. Over and over. He wanted the thoughts gone. Why wouldn't they go? Tears finally started falling. He can't stop anything anymore. Not his thoughts. Not his tears. Not the rumors. Not anything.

His hand slowed to a stop and went back to its original space. Both hands finally lost their grip as Floyd lost his grip on his emotion. He continues to just sit there as he sobs.

The cackling carousel, it spins and never stops

The acrobat who's waiting at the top

Should do a circus hop

The knocks were getting annoying. Floyd had been hauled up in his room for a few days now, and Jade and Azul definitely noticed. It only took the second day for them to start their incessant knocking.

Through the door, they begged and pleaded for him to talk to them. Each time he just told them to buzz off. Can't they just let him be? The only thing Floyd can thank them for is them bringing him meals. They just knock, tell him there's food, and leave. The only thing was once he brought it in, he couldn't bring himself to eat it. The tray of food just sits there until his body’s instincts take over and he shoves every ounce of food in his mouth.

A knock brought Floyd out of his head. “Floyd… brother… please… I just want to make sure you are ok.” Jade sounded desperate. Why? He can't understand. Doesn't he at least have something to do for the lounge?

Without his say, his arm went up. Reaching to the door. His brother sounded sad. Really sad. He was about to get up when he snapped out of it. He pulled his hand back.

…

“Go away.”

For anyone worried this is in no way a call for help, I promise I'm fine.

However, to those struggling with any of this right now, please reach out to someone who's capable of helping. You don't need to go through this alone.

[coll2mitts]

Movie Minute: Cool World (1992)

Guys, uh, I found something bizarre on YouTube yesterday and I have to talk about it. I can't let myself focus on this for more than a few hours, so enjoy this new thing called Movie Minute where I word vomit out a bunch of stuff in an attempt to purge the subject from my mind.

Cool World is what would happen if Who Framed Roger Rabbit and Heavy Metal procreated. I'm 100% convinced its target audience was middle school-aged boys during a time period where porn was physically printed media and not a 2-second google search away. It tries so hard to be edgy and instead succeeds in being the most uncomfortable thing I've ever seen.

Do you want to know what it'd look like for a real life human to "make it" with a cartoon? No? What if the human was the nerdy German professor from Little Women and the cartoon was Kim Basinger? Well, the director of Cool World, Ralph Bakshi certainly did and now we're all worse off.

Nothing could have prepared me for the plot of this movie. Riffing on Bakshi's original concept, the writing pair that also gave us Starsky and Hutch and 2 Poltergeist movies posits "What if a separate animated world called Toontown Cool World existed? And in that world a down-on-his-luck human detective played by Bob Hoskins Brad Pitt and his cartoon sidekick called Roger Rabbit Nails investigated the extracurricular activities of a sultry singing bombshell named Jessica Rabbit Holli Would? And what if a toon Doodle tried to impersonate a human Noid for their own personal gain disregarding how it affected the citizens of their own town? Like, what if someone told that story?!"

Honestly, I don't want to focus too deeply on the similarities between this and Who Framed Roger Rabbit because that is an entertaining movie and Cool World is teenage spank bank slop. It tries to be more than that, but after the 30th scene of cartoon Kim Basinger doing this exact thing, I think it lost the plot.

See, Brad Pitt's character Frank Harris is a WW2 vet who returns to Las Vegas to be with his mother after the war. During a motorcycle ride they get hit by a drunk driver, and Frank's mom immediately dies. Simultaneously, some cartoon scientist opens a rift between Cool World and Real World using some "spike" he invented, witnesses Frank's emotional break that somehow interferes with the spike and facilitates his transportation into Cool World.

How did this cartoon scientist rip a hole into reality? How did Frank navigate between the real world and Cool World by being really, really upset? I dunno, fuck you for asking.

Instead of being like hm, clearly this is a psychotic break, I should try to get back to reality, Frank spends the next 47 years of his life in Cool World, somehow nagging a job as its only detective. What's he trying to prevent from happening? Holli, a Doodle played by Kim Basinger, fucking a Noid.

First of all, the slang they created in this movie in an attempt to build out Cool World is :chefs kiss: amount of cringe. The animated creatures are called "Doodles" and the humans are "Noids". The antagonist, aptly named Holli Would ("Holli would if she could... And she will" EYEROLL) wants to become a Noid and travel to the real world where powerful woman have agency because Marilyn Monroe seemed to have all her shit together. The only way Holli can do that, however, is to have sex with a real-life Noid because Noid sperm turns Doodles into Noids, I guess.

Since our chaste friend Frank won't give up the goods, Holli targets Jack Deebs, a cartoonist she inspired to write the "Cool World" comic series because of her frequent visits in his dreams. Jack is currently serving time in jail for murdering his wife's lover, but somehow has an entire art studio in his cell and Holli scribbled on his walls. He's going to be released in a few days, and he moans out a thanks to Holli for helping him through his time incarcerated. I don't for a second want to picture Gabriel Byrne jackin' it to a picture he drew of a blonde chick, but here we are.

How has Holli been communicating with Jack? Did she reach out to him first, or did he somehow slip into Cool World by accident? How did Holli pull him into Cool World? Is the "spike" facilitating this interaction somehow? I dunno, fuck you for asking.

Frank catches wind of this new development and hunts down Jack to have a little chat about The Rules. The sexual tension between the two factions is incredibly awkward, but my favorite line in the whole movie is the intimidating way Brad Pitt spits at Gabriel Byrne, "Noids do not have sex with Doodles".

"Keep your PENCIL in your POCKET if you know what I mean."

Someone had to write this. Someone had to print this in a script, give it to a director, have them sign off on it, deliver it to two well-known actors, block it, rehearse it, and then tell Brad Pitt, hot off of Thelma & Louise fame, to deliver this so fucking earnestly that we would believe if Gabriel Byrne stuck his dick in a cartoon the world would explode. And then Brad repeats the rule the same way Tyler reiterates to new members not to talk about Fight Club.

The missed opportunity of Frank not warning Jack with, "Don't diddle a Doodle" breaks my heart if I think about it more than 2 seconds.

So what does Jack do after this encounter? Fuck Holli.

This turns her into a Noid, cause again, magic Noid sperm will do that. Jack and Holli somehow travel back to the Real World and Holli immediately tries to stage fuck Frank Sinatra Jr. in an attempt to get famous. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding about any of this.

Except the effect of the sperm starts to wear off, threatening to turn Holli back into a Doodle. Jack also starts morphing into a Doodle because cross contamination, I guess? This makes him nervous but he's generally inept and can't think of a way to fix it. Holli decides the best course of action is to hunt down the "spike" to give her power, which she thinks is at the top of the Union Plaza hotel in downtown Las Vegas because of a rumor about a Doodle named Vegas Vinnie who crossed over years before and guys, the last 30 minutes of this movie are come at you fast, please try to stay with me here.

See, Vegas Vinnie is based on the scientist from the beginning of the movie. He was afraid of someone exploiting the rift he created, so he used the "spike" to plug the tunnel between Cool World and Real World lest they bleed into each other. This rift just happens to be at the top of a massive casino, so Holli ditches Jack and attempts to climb up there herself to grab the spike. Frank figures out the plan, relieves the trauma of losing his mother to travel back to the real world, and goes to the site of the spike with intentions to arrest Holli. She Doodle shifts to shove Frank off the building, unsheathes the "spike" like it were Excalibur, and inadvertently triggers the merging of the two worlds.

I'm having Super Mario Bros. flashbacks and this movie came out a year before that.

Jack witnesses Holli murder Frank and only then decides to embrace his inner Doodle and stop this catastrophe from happening. He transforms into a super hero, smashes his way through the Doodle ghouls, bypasses Holli and returns the spike to its home.

The Doodles (including Doodle Jack and Frank's Noid corpse) are returned back to Cool World. I think we're supposed to feel bad Frank died from a 50 story fall, but actually it's fine because when a Doodle murders a Noid the Noid turns into a Doodle somehow. These rules are just... whatever, it doesn't matter, they are what they are.

Now Frank can fuck his Doodle girlfriend that I completely forgot to mention he has guilt-free. The end.

The marketing for this film was bananas. Paramount partnered with DC to release a prequel comic book series and set the stage for the story. They donated money to the parks department to promote the movie by plastering a cutout of Holli on the Hollywood sign, which outraged people exactly as much as you think it would. They also worked with David fucking Bowie to record a song for the soundtrack.

How, as a child of the 80s/90s and teenage fan of Brad Pitt, did I not once encounter Cool World before it randomly appeared as a free movie on YouTube?! Maybe because this had an estimated budget of 30 Million dollars and only grossed shy of half that. The plot is convoluted, the interactions between live action footage and animation never look natural, and the performance of every single one of these decent actors is terrible somehow. Kim Basinger is more of a cartoon character in the live action footage than she is animated, which is a shame because she's absolutely capable of being funny while being seductive. Cool World only solidified my #teamlaurie allegiance cause I can never look Gabriel Byrne in the eyes again. And how did Brad Pitt get cast as a detective in Se7en after his creative accent choices in this?!

So, what did we learn? Uhhhh... Don't fuck a toon, even if they look like Kim Basinger. It always ends bad.

Also, they made several Cool World video games and if I can find one I'm 100% going to play it on twitch.

[tarot-by-e11e]

Feedback

Hello Love! How are you? I am so glad to see that you aren't stressed anymore.I am here for my favorite section of any tarot game-the feedback.Lets get into it!

The first card suggests that you learn to free yourself from the chokehold of your own anxiety. It seems that your nightmares are pointing out which part of your life that your subconscious is asking you to look into and change.

First of all,damn my nightmares are deep.Second of all,true,I have a lot of anxiety relating to my future,life,college and social expectations.

A good way to figure this out is have a dream journal and write whatever you can remember of the dream you had the night before. Don't let yourself drown in your own despair, is the strongest message I can hear from this card.

I was actually recommeneded to do the same by a close friend of mine.I have such vivid dreams which usually don't make any sense but yet make the most sense?Like they are so confusing,sometimes they come as a beautiful story in parts,different part for a day,or sometimes they are just weird and I don't remember but the feelings I felt in the dream are still present.

The next card is asking you to be open to love and happiness. Let yourself get creative. And I love how you mentioned in your list of things you're wanting to learn to love about yourself is your creative side!!! The card is in full support in your decision about this!

Ok this is something my mom has told me a lot of time-to embrace the happiness.And my friends are always like,'why are you so uninterested in the idea of love' and it is something a lot of people have told me but alas,old habits die hard.And yess creativity is something I want to be more productive in,you know,as it calms me down from the burnt of academics.

I heard that you should search up ways to beat procrastination for artists. Like how to get out of a creative block. There's tons of videos on YouTube about it, so just go do your research and experiment which strategy works well for you!

OMG not the cards calling me out.Ah so I do watch videos about procasination and how to gain focus but ironically I lose focus in that and I procasinate watching those videos.But this is the boast I need to go and actually follow up.

Finally, the last card is asking you to be generous towards yourself. It's great how you want to give back to others, but never forget that you can't pour from an empty cup. So make sure you have enough, and you've had your fill first, before considering on pouring onto others.

Thank you so much for this advice.Recently I have been feeling so drained out,as i have been emotionally supporting my best friend and stuff,and I love her but sometimes,it is just exhausting for me to you just listen to others rant about their problem(gosh this makes me sound lik a bitch).

So all in all,as usual,I had loads of fun reading your reading and interpretation of cards.I really likes the in depth reading and how your points actually made parallels with my situations,especially the dreams part.Also,I don't think I have seen any mention it,but I love the rules you put for your games-they are unique and they actually kinda make you think and I really like that.Take care dear,don't over work yourself,stay hydrated,Imma see you around.

Once again,thank you for your time and energy!

Hi dear,

Thank you so much for taking the time to send me thorough feedback! You always tend to spoil me rotten with your response~

Feedbacks like yours makes me motivated to keep going with this blog~ (Though it'd be nice if someone actually buys a reading, instead of just waiting for my game; because gurl's gotta eat)

Yes there was a strong element that your dreams hold the key to unlock your abundance~ So a dream journal feels like a great suggestion in your situation,

OMG, you're like me!!?? I don't actively seek romance, yet everyone around me tells me to try it out?!! It gets so annoying, doesn't it?

But in your case, it seems that being in connections will actually teach you and greatly benefit you in the long run.

Just be outspoken about your negotiables and non-negotiables, the things you're willing to tolerate, and what you are clearly against, okay? Don't just passively dismiss your discomfort and be firm with your boundaries, okay?

Also, when it comes to procrastination, don't beat yourself up if you fall back into old habits okay? You just need to find the method that works best for you~

Yeaahhh, it did actually feel like you were a chronic people-pleaser tbh, so I urge you to only extend a helping hand if you actually have the mental strength and emotional capacity to hold a safe space for those you hold dear.

I'm all for you wanting to be there for your friends, but you'll actually end up resenting them if you keep offering yourself when you literally are running on empty.

And no, it doesn't make you a btch, you're only a human being with limited energy. Even you get tired. Even you have days where you feel drained. So, my dear, you owe yourself an apology for calling yourself a btch.

Thank you for mentioning it! I actually prefer making games with different concepts that make you think. It takes a long time for participants to answer, which helps me make sure that only those who really want to participate in my ask game, will be willing to take the time to follow my instructions to the T.

[iantimony]

2023 year in review roundup

wow!! what a fucking year!!! goodbye and good riddance! happy first day of 2024!

this year i did 37 tuesdayposts! there were 53 tuesdays so that's about 70%! some of them were on fri/sat instead as shabbosposts but i think posting on tuesday or even monday does just work better for some fucking reason. maybe because friday and saturday are days that i am most likely to do New Activities for making/playing/watching/reading??? and so on monday or tuesday i can recap the just-finished weekend. shrug! we love tuesday so it's fine.

listening listened to all of twilight mirage and a little over half of partizan! shrieking shack podcast, just king things, well there's your problem, miscellaneous music (maneskin probably a notable winner in there)

reading a lot of little articles. a little tgcf. SO much fanfic. 'every heart a doorway' (bad). 'birthday of the world' le guin (good).

playing a little disco elysium. a little minecraft. a little nier automata. a little hadesgame. a LOT of pokemon go. and i got into magic the gathering this year!

watching a lot of youtube videos. so many gd youtube videos. evangelion, history of the world part ii, cunk on earth, vox machina animated series, cowboy bebop, first season of peaky blinders, the new tgcf donghua season!

making i did very little drawing/painting/illustration beyond life drawing a few times...however i was very prolific in crafting! i also theoretically made valentines gifts. i do not remember what they were tho lol.

fiber arts: i completed a big embroidery project (fermenting dregs album art hoodie), quantum shawl, mesh market bag, case for my knew laptop, finished that blue tank top even though i hate it, fixed the lining on my yellow knitted cowl, made a little knitted headphone top cover that i will probably redo differently, headband ear warmer for my roommate's mom, and FINALLY i just barely finished the scarf for my SO before the end of 2023!

print block carving: wristwatch print, gavelbocken holiday card print

misc/writing: some songxuexiao fencing au. some harrowhark abhorsen au. neocities website!

and so much pottery! this is all of it, barring the things i already gave away as presents before this photo (two pots and a little box and the little raven guy), but wow! that's so many fuckin object!

misc what a fucking year. some bad! had to file a big car insurance claim! got really sick while abroad and that persisted for a long fucking time! mini summer breakdown! some good stuff too - passed quantum mechanics FOREVER good fucking bye, did my first successful academic conference, finally started feeling better around the end of the year! learned my lesson: it's not fuckin worth stressing yourself to death over, and also i can't just Be At Home Aimlessly for months any more. it's bad for my mental health.

reviewing 2023 resolutions and goals --> I’d love to start writing again and play more horn but we’ll see i basically didn't do any creative writing at all this year barring a few lines of fanfic ideas (the abhorsen/tlt crossover one) HOWEVER i READ a lot of fanfic to marinate in and i played a LOT more french horn!! i joined the little youth orchestra which is like, uber goofy, but it means ive been playing on a regular basis again!

--> I also wanna listen to more weird music, and invest in actually owning some files, especially for some of the lesser-known bands and through bandcamp and stuff i spent all year meaning to do this and kept pushing it off so it rolls over into next year.

--> I really want to kind of dial those [unhealthy coping mechanisms] back again, focus more on existing in Reality and more in each moment, which hopefully will also help with some of the skin picking and other anxious habits that resurfaced. maybe more yoga, maybe re-establishing a meditation process lol lmao. nah. but definitely rolling it over into 2024.

--> I would love to think more about my fashion and how I present myself too, and work on making and tailoring more of my clothing in general actually not bad! basically zero tailoring but i did a pretty good job wearing some cute outfits.

--> I’ve been pretty good about being active so I’d like to keep that up, I still can’t do a pull-up but maybe this is the year! (lol) I should also start doing some minor exercises for my shitty arthritis toes to keep those okay once again: lol lmao. health issues had me really regress in some of my gains goals. plus side is toes are doin pretty normal.

--> a lot of last year was kind of a wash regarding research so I’m really looking forward to refocusing on that and really getting things moving. oh it moved! in a good way! i'm making good progress and hopefully i will keep that momentum going!

--> finally! I want to get back to tabletop! I miss doing it so much! it fell by the wayside for me because of how busy and overwhelmed I was, especially this past fall semester, but I want to start running and playing games with my pals again a little! i should have been putting these in playing as i went oops. the tabletop group i've run was a little fallow this year due to at least half of our group, including myself, not being in Tabletop Mood but we've played a lot of res arcana and other such games instead.

i had a few other resolutions in my digital planner on my ipad that didn't go in the writeup last year: namely, practice languages more (i did practice my mandarin a little but did not really learn any hebrew or korean unfortunately) and establish a non-software component of my research (nope, not in the cards, but i'm hoping to do something else this summer to let me get better with physical data/setups), and finishing the masters degree requirements (that will be the end of this upcoming spring semester), but overall i really did hit most of my resolutions and goals! even with being ill for a while! (except the finances. i am simply not looking at them <3)

2024 resolutions and goals

definitely some rollover! i will format this to hopefully be a little easier to respond to next year:

- get back on a regular workout schedule: swimming 1x a week, weights once or twice a week. would like to try and work towards my One Pullup goal again. would also be cool to try and work towards a hand/headstand. - try and be more mindful. i'm going to continue the grief therapy but also think about meditating more, doing more yoga, and so on. - there's a gallery on main street that solicits work from local artists for bimonthy themed exhibitions and i really want to submit at least one thing to it this year! the one due by end of january is themed 'florals', and the one two months after that is 'layers', so i'd really like to submit something to one of those. - more weird art! use that big canvas i bought in literally 2022! paint!!! - finally put together that travel journal from korea & japan (and also scrapbook-ify the papers i have leftover in a pile from that) - also, maybe do current scrapbook a little different? might need a new binder at the very least. - hang up that expensive quilt i bought in august - speaking of quilt: do some hand quilting, english paper piercing! i have so much fucking fabric! - find a new apartment to move into that hopefully won't suck! - try to secure some sort of summer internship or project that will let me develop some new skillsets that i might not be getting with my current research - finish the masters degree - write...a paper? for the work i just presented??? - keep tweaking neocities and make some more pages - keep track of recipes this year as well in my making section

i might start a little spreadsheet this year to keep better track of all my stuff because i really did Not want to go through all my separate listening and reading sections and extract what i liked the most, etc. this post required me to first back up a few extra early tuesdayposts from this year to dreamwidth, and then skim all of them to accumulate the above, and that was kinda a pain. and i love an excuse to start a new spreadsheet.

we did it! happy 2024! i don't think i have anything else to add to this wrapup but if i think of something i'll tack it into the upcoming Normal Tuesdaypost tomorrow! good job good night and good luck everyone!