thinking about how gorgug + kristen perceive both their own deaths & each other’s, and how that impacts their relationship. bc i feel like freshman year kristen was too caught up in her newfound knowledge of the nature of her own god to truly clock & process gorgug’s internal revulsion of where he went after he died, & freshman year gorgug wasn’t familiar enough with the complexities of other people to truly lock onto the sorrow buried within the chaos of kristen’s upward/downward/sideways spiral until she was seemingly on the other side of it. & i wonder if they’ve ever really talked about it (unlikely), or if they’ve just cracked very few jokes that didn’t land and decided to never quite do the work & dig through that part of their relationship. but there’s a kinship there; kristen specifically singles out gorgug to tell him she died again, and gorgug apologizes that he wasn’t there with her this time. gorgug takes one of the finger bones off kristen’s newly/long-time decayed corpse to have an anchor to something in the world. despite the fact that they were in different places after death, having been together during it means everything.
anyways what i’m trying to say is i think they should talk about it.
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k wait last thought after I was rudely jolted by a reminder alarm (that I set myself) I think it’s so cute how I’ve seen other people say things like this too but dnp genuinely inspire me to be more silly and whimsical and just like. enjoy life? i know whatever they do or post in a 5 second ig story is enrichment to us and we’re gonna go crazy over it due to the mutual loving parasocial relationship we share but like. when I travel or just go to a place now I don’t like posting on social media even as a normal bc I’ve convinced myself it’s cringe and no one wants to see it but I take little clips like they do now to send to friends or whoever and for memories and after being hardened by the world or whatever for some time it just reminds me to literally never take life that seriously and just vibe and have fun
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a lot of my free time is spent listening to a podcast run and researched by a professor of genocide studies who went into those studies specifically bc in an attempt to escape the violence of his angry, alcoholic father he signed up to go off to war in afghanistan only to realize that the whole war and war in general is a) stupid & boring and b) a series of horrific war crimes that had made the civilian population deeply suspicious of him even tho His Morals Were In The Right Place (tm). when he got home and threw himself into being anti violence, joining anarchist orgs & studying theory & trying to understand why he was sent to the other side of the world to be traumatized for no good reason while traumatizing the local population with his very presence, his shithead father died & he found out that his father was Like That bc their family was chased out of armenia because of genocide and it kicked off a cycle of violence & anger in the men of his family. he absolutely lost his shit, got his degree in genocide studies, and moved to armenia (do not ask me how he convinced his wife to do this with him. he’s really open about every other aspect of his life except his wife and kids which is imo very valid).
all that to say, he has this interesting perspective of war in that he has this cultural trauma of being the victim of a horrific crime while also himself being the perpetrator of imperialism & serving in an area that had recently been the site of several horrific war crimes (really similar to tim o’brien, who served in my lai several months after the massacre but didn’t know the massacre had happened & pieced together what happened from the horrified whispers of the civilians & brags from soldiers). it makes him both hyper critical of soldiers who do terrible things & empathetic to soldiers who are forced from home to do terrible things & angry on behalf of civilians who are victims of war crimes. i have ragged on him for being Very Midwestern about certain things but his research is interesting & sad & well done, & it’s really made me think about my own place in The Greater World & every time the internet loses its mind over some aspect of history i am violently reminded that most people just look at history and go “but MY SIDE was justified actually” when that’s such a BABY IDEA OF HOW HISTORY AND WAR WORKS.
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Before I turn on 'em, I kill Satan
And stick my red flag in the ground, it's Red Nation, uh
Now blood the fuck-up
Every day's a gamble motherfucker, tough luck
And we gon' fuck the World 'til that bitch bust nuts
I can't tell you what's good, but I can tell you what's what
And that's B's up, hoes down
Lookin' in the mirror, I'm nowhere to be found
Blood, I'm a dog, call me a blood hound
Throwin' blood in the air, leave blood on the ground
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