#and what do i want to have when i'm 70
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#i don't really want to make a whole post about it because it was a very personal and very miserable time for me#but genuinely#the thing that got me wanting to move on again and LIVE after my life plans all fell apart last year#was sitting down and very seriously thinking about the kind of woman i want to be when i'm 70#i hit that thing that a lot of people in their mid-twenties are hitting right now#where it feels like we've already wasted everything and not only are we failures now but we will always BE failures until we die#but right now i'm still in my twenties#and when i thought about what a good lifespan looked like to me#70-ish seems about right#and what do i want to have when i'm 70#what skills will be useful and beyond that#what skills will be fun#i had gotten into a mindset of “too late too late”#learning to draw#or sing#or dance#or fix a car#or ride a motorcycle#they all felt like learning NOW would be pointless because *melodramatically* aLL my YoUtH HaS bEEn WaStEddd#but unless God has another plan i'm not going to die in my twenties#i'll likely live many more decades#my life probably isn't even half-way over yet#what do i want to be when i'm 70?#it doesn't matter that i don't know everything yet#i have more than four decades to work on it#that's more than the entirety of the life i've already lived#and yeah#i spent five years at a dead end job that finally drove me almost to a breakdown#but even that wasn't a waste#i saved enough to go to school and i learned a lot while i worked there
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[Tuvok & Janeway: Control, Distance, Duty & Connection.] Sources: St Voyager Transcripts / Mitski 'First Love Late Spring' / Disco Elysium
#web weaving#star trek web weaving#st voyager#Kathryn Janeway#Tuvok#be the change you want to see in the world - make a long post about Tuvok & Janeway's similarities <- angel on my shoulder#I feel like a lot of people see them as 'opposites attract' sort of friends where Janeway is unhinged & Tuvok reigns her in#but in reality I think that while there is that element in there (exacerbated HEAVILY by their delta quad circumstances)#what I see most in their relationship is how they both value loyalty and duty above all and are extremely rigid with themselves#and the people around them. How they both have to maintain distance from others bc of their positions as captain & vulcan#I hate when people dismiss Tuvok as not being remotely interested in Maryana or Noss - it erases an interesting struggle that he and Janewa#both share - their desire to stay loyal to their spouses vs the 70 years of loneliness that that loyalty demands of them#But they BOTH triumph and they BOTH remain loyal (Tuvok until he returns to T'Pel and Janeway until Mark informs her that it's over)#and for both of them it's a little bit insane for them to do that.#Isn't it more interesting that Janeway and Tuvok both have feelings for people other than their spouses but don't give in#to that temptation?#They're both people who live very fastidiously by codes. Either written codes or moral codes - they very rarely if ever do things because#it's what THEY want to do. I'd say they're the least emotion-driven members of the crew and yes I'm including Seven because Seven#has a very...how to describe? It's a blunt and insular selfishness. She does what SHE wants to do and doesn't really care about others.#To me that's emotion-driven. Or...personal desire-driven? Not a bad thing at all but very different from Janeway & Tuvok who#are always more 'this is logical' or 'this is for the crew' rarely do they think 'this is what I want' bc they can't afford to#for different reasons (captain & vulcan)#they both also are in the most 'caretaking' positions on the ship from my POV. Security and Captain - both are directly in charge of#ship and crew safety.#Janeway & Tuvok#star trek voyager#st voy#when I say caretaking I'm NOT saying they're everyone's mom and dad or whatever - I'm saying they're in positions where they always#have to think about the greater good and the crew as a whole and how much danger is acceptable etc etc.#Janeway is always killing herself for the crew but Tuvok is right there beside her
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chapter 1 + chapter 2... halfway to 60k
#a little over halfway really#I'd begun to worry about my progress but when I put it this way I feel pretty proud of myself#the crazy part... is that I'm still not even close to done.... ahahaha#okay. chapter one is pretty much done#I've edited all the major portions I wanted to change#just a small editing session and she'll be ready to post#as for the second chapter#I'm about a third of the way through with editing the smut#after the halfway point the word count will start exploding because there's a ridiculous amount of editing I have to do#what I have written so far for the second part is more of an outline than anything else#and then of course there's the whole ending portion#I think over 60k in total word count is 100% happening#70k next? haha... ahaha..... ha..........#laughing through the pain#(I wake up from a deep coma after producing 70 thousand words of aki sex) where....... where... am I.......#let's reach the editing halfway point by the end of this week!! I can do it!!!!
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one of these days i'm going to write up all that i've changed from azzarello's bullshit era and the one (1) piece i've kept from milligan (and also changed) and the only thing currently stopping me is that it is going to be so, so inside-baseball incomprehensible. and i almost never want to go reading/screencapping azzarello and milligan to add references but i Want to add references.
canon is goop, just know that we continue to ride the bus down "hellblazer ended at #250 and looks like swiss cheese before that" street.
#( ooc. ) OUT OF CIGS.#i'm doing page maintenance before i fuck off to work rip it's got me thinking#anyway i think i said WAY back on this blog that a side goal of mine is to make hellblazer lore accessible to non-comic readers where i can#bc it's such a Heavy comic & i love it so much & i always felt Terrible recommending it to people only for them to be disgusted#and like. @ past me that particular goal is NOT as easy as you thought it would be lmao#esp because i have a habit of getting VERY detail-oriented when it comes to talking about hellblazer i think#but by GOD it's still a goal. i can put in some motherfucking references here and there when i talk about The Lore#like. azzarello's writing style never translates well for me in synopsis bc he Loves to put the audience in the outside perspective#where we are bystanders/with the rest of the bystanders to constantine's actions and not to his motivations/inner monologue#and i HATE that. hellblazer has ALWAYS been about what this guy has going on underneath the masked exterior#all the things you can't say out loud when you're queer and working class trying to survive in 70s-80s-90s england#but that you FEEL with your WHOLE fucking chest. how that feeling drives you to enjoy little rebellions wherever you can get them#(also azzarello just fucking Sucks LMAO but i'm talking style rn)#so i end up relying on frusin's art to tell the story a little more bc i think he understands the Theatre of constantine's public persona#and when that theatre is Absent then it's really REALLY noticeable. so frusin keeps me in it most of the time#and if i'm digging into frusin art then i'm Going to want to compare it to older panels bc i like body language consistency#milligan on the other hand has NOTHING to save his sorry ass bc his writing is drop-jaw fucking terrible AND the artist seems to like it#but the loss of john's thumb being tied to his mental health (ignoring the bullshit with shade) has always felt. important to me somehow id#anyway MUCH thinking about my favorite loser on this about-to-be-annoying day shdjksd he has been done so dirty#hellblazer brain go brrrr
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would u guys mind if i made a new tag list form and completely restarted them. be honest.
#DOING A POLL IS SO SCARY. WHAT IF NOBODY VOTES literally the most humiliating thing ever Guys Please.#like. i absolutely don't mind having them and putting in the effort. i love u and i am glad u like my blog#but when i'm checking specific charas + do not tags for every person every post#and tumblr doesn't let me just copy paste the list. i have to backspace + retype the last letter of every user to find them#and i can't tag like. 1/5 of the people. or i don't see them see it. it's like. oh!#like my hq list has 70 ppl. and i write for hq most so u can see how it can get. Bahahaha#not interacting is not a terrible thing 4 me. like i'm not Watching to see if u interact. this is for U. what u do with my tag is up to U#but if it's because u don't want to be tagged anymore but don't want to tell me or smth I'd like 2 save us both.#bc i think the only time i've noticed some of these users is when i'm tagging them LIKE IM STARTING TO FEEL BAD DO U NOT WANT 2 BE TAGGED..#..anyway. let me know. Heart Emoji
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everyday i wake up and have to start a new boss challenge called dealing with my mother
#not a single speck of consideration for whether or not i'm busy or tired or sleeping#she doesn't even TRY. the text is too small? ok i'll make it bigger. but wait now she's lazy to read. doesn't even want to try to understan#we had this whole thing yesterday where she was raising her voice at me bc she didn't get that#basically free shipping if products r over $500. our Total (incl. delivery) was $488 and she wanted to add on but i told her no... delivery#is $70. and she wasnt getting me so she was raising her voice like holy shittt not everything has to result in you yelling!!!!#you wake me up when i'm sleeping just to help you. you disturb me when i'm studying omggg girl please....#i remember her [ why does it say– what transaction? i didn't make any transaction ] the text was literally-#[ no current transaction history ] smth like that like MOTHER???????????? and i think she's been telling my sister i'm complaining abt it#should i die. 1 like i'll do it#power outage started so i'm going to stay in my room and nap until lunch fml#but i have to go out and help my mom with an app thing first bc ofc#she admits shes just not bothered to READ. when it comes to emails or ordering food or anything like ohvm mymgodog#and shes so short tempered fuckkk ?!?#AH. EDIT BC I REMEMBERED. when she got an email today.. her application was rejected#for smth smth. anyways it told her she could login to the website using her birth info. (e.g 1870....) and she was like#u typed something wrong bc why does it say 1870... LIKE MOTHER ITS AN EXAMPELREFKWKSABHAHHHHH#THE EXAMPLE DIDNT EVEN HAVE HER NAME?!?£#💭#cw rant#negative
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slowly getting my FUA team ready... only one beautiful gambler left to replace Gallagher so he can go back to his Superbreak team in peace
#abbey plays honkai star rail#I'm being sooo patient#and I really REALLY wish I could get Topaz#because you know IPC and stuff#in fact I would actually *try* but she needs a lot of investment for her to work well with Ratio#because precious Doctor Ratio needs like 3 debuffs#and she can only apply all of them with either E1 or S1#so like... I ain't spending all of that babygirl#plus why would anyone spend jades for her when we have Moze now#he applies 2 debuffs at E0 and his E2 is crazy#also one of his best LC is the Ratiorine one#so I can finally give it some use#anyways I'm SO happy with Robin I could cry#she's so extremely OP it's insane#I can't wait to get 37483453 follow-up attacks when Aventurine comes#about Black Swan well I really want to build her and pair her up with Acheron (Acheswan yesss)#but I need more resources#my priority now is to finish building Moze 'cause he's still level 70#and when I'm satisfied with him I'll get back to her#I love you Black Swan mwah !!!!!#still can't believe I got her too like what do you mean omg
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Me at my appointment this afternoon when the doctor lady asked what my heart rate usually is: well I don't have like. An Overall Average but I can tell u the range it has from today?
Her: sure
Me: ok, since midnight it's been between 53 and 135
Her: *one of the most confused, mildly horrified faces I have seen in a hot minute*
#like. what do I do with this information#I take it this is obviously not a normal range#suppose it's a good thing they're gonna refer me to cardiology and get me to do a holter monitor lmao#and also that's not even the most intense range I've had. one day it was from 46-178#like. when I'm actually asleep it's usually around 50 but when I'm laying down awake it's 70-80 and when I'm sitting up it's 100-110#walking can b anywhere from 120 to 180 depending on how I'm feeling that day lmao and it just. randomly spikes and dropps all the time#old neurologist wanted to get me tested for POTS but was told they didn't test minors and then I never went back so. ig we'll never know#and like. apparently I have a bunch of other weird rhythms that nobody bothered to tell me abt????? which seems important to know??????#armchair speaks#actually disabled#physically disabled
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if i really scratch my head i think maybe the one thing all of this could stem from is mere discussion of the fact that talia and selina's histories with bruce sort of operate in the reverse and inevitably that factors into any contention with either relationship. like it can't really be helped that bruce and talia were married very early on into the latter's history and that this is integral to analyzing talia's entire dynamic with bruce, her evolving perception of her own place in the world, and her eventual decision to break free of bruce entirely. the constraints of a marriage with bruce as desired by her father are foundational lore to the early aughts of her character in a way that selina's settled domestic life with bruce is not. if we're talking about the golden age what was foundational to selina's dynamic with bruce was his ability to recognize above everyone else her consistent capacity for mercy despite her villainous goals on the surface. in post-crisis that was translated along the lines of a class struggle specifically. the villainous goals were interpreted to represent a defiance of men and the state and their collective violence, and they also formed a means of survival. what was initially merely a recognition of selina's capacity for mercy now became a potential recognition of bruce's own hypocrisies. selina acted as a symbol for petty criminals in gotham whom bruce would otherwise have written off as immoral wholesale bc to him the law was the law. and the remarkable thing about it was that none of it required selina giving even an inch to bruce. she was who she was and that was what made her utterly compelling to him. it's not a slight against selina that neither marriage nor a close civilian relationship formed the basis of her relationship with bruce and i don't understand why anyone would take it as one. marriage and domestic life for talia was a mark of the utter tragedy of her relationship with bruce. it was a fantasy and a delusion and it could never have given her what she wanted nor lent her any kind of agency in the long term. and i think when we meander into the realm of comparing the relationships we really start to diminish why certain aspects are important to either. why are the various patriarchal restrictions on talia's agency so integral to her character arc and its exploration of freedom? why is selina's existence in a sphere of life entirely distinct of bruce so integral to her character arc and its exploration of class? the constant back and forth between shippers on either end trying to equalize in terms of what either relationship has gone through in canon like it's a checklist to romantic validity is a bit absurd and i wish we would move away from it when analyzing the relationships or the characters
#it reminds me a bit of when i said that i think selina becoming a millionaire was a stupid development#that was insulting to everything newell and grant and moench had tried to build up about her in the early 90s#and people got upset and called me a hypocrite bc talia is rich. like my guy. can i help it that talia is rich#i can't erase her foundational character traits to make some sort of even playing field..#and frankly the fact that she and bruce are rich /is/ precisely what drives the whole argument about duty between them#they are in no position to complain or grow tired or languish in their reams of wealth#there is a duty they owe to the world while they have power and they have to suck it up and uphold that duty#it is the absolute least they can do and they know that. hence why talia is repeatedly on bruce's ass about it#it is also not lost on me that the above complaint may largely stem from the lazarus affair#where talia was portrayed to be ridiculously haughty and more than willing to show off her wealth#even though she didn't do that in like. any other comic in her pre-assassination era#and the lazarus affair as i have said so many times was a ridiculous comic anyways bc it setup talia and selina to be#combative ship fodder to fuel disagreements between dick and bruce. it is literally the first comic where they were ever#pit against each other. despite the fact that they had co-existed in harmony for a decade prior#and denny o'neil had gone so far as to establish both of them as bruce's definitive love interests in the 70s#like idk man it's not hard to entertain a little more critical thinking and poke at why the comparisons between them are nonsensical#a lot of it. a Lot of it. is stemming from people wanting either ship to one up the other. and you shouldn't fall for it#to be deleted#anyway. not making this rebloggable bc i'm sure you're all annoyed already but this whole thing has really confused me. so i've rambled
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redditors are so fucking weird, sometimes they don't even know what hill they're dying on all they know is that they're gonna die on it for sure
#told a dude on reddit who was asking how much violence is allowed in YA books that you can put as much as you'd like#& he was like ''books sure have changed since i was an adolescent'' & i was like. no. they've always been that way. read them & see#(literally gave Watership Down as an example. it was published in the 70's)#& he started ranting & raving about how actually i'm wrong because liberals & kids these days don't understand#what it's like to be an adolescent (kept using that word) in a time where all books were banned for even the most minor of implied violence#& i was like ''what the fuck are you talking about'' & he was like ''where do you live & how old are you'' about a hundred times#i wish i was exaggerating. it really escalated that fast#oh also they were assuming i'm a guy & using he/him pronouns which is like. fuck off lol yeah you're obviously an old white guy from Americ#literally i should just leave reddit forever but i can't stand by watching people say ''quit forever'' when newbies ask simple questions#like redditors are insane. batshit#i want to be the ''do whatever you want forever'' person in a sea of ''you're 12 & only have a 12yo's reading level? die''#also the blocking on there is bullshit. you can't reply to comments if one of the people in the convo is blocked#& you can't block someone twice in 24 hours#& if you want to report someone for. say. harassment. like asking for your location repeatedly. you have to report the specific comment.#which you now can't see because you blocked them#more & more i become astonished that people use every other social media EXCEPT tumblr#couldn't imagine living like that. it must be horrible
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can never describe enough how excited I am for the inevitable 2010s revival of the future
(also this turned into a massive ramble accidentally?)
#like i know there are already kids being like ''i wish i was a teenager in 2014 😭'' but i mean like#you know how like the past 5 years have been so 80s inspired#and also 90s#and how the 90s were really into the 60s#and i cannot wait for all the awful aesthetics that were everywhere when i was 12 to come back#bc i'm curious how it'll look. bc obviously it won't be like. the 2010s are back#it'll be this romanticised idea of the 2010s and i wonder which parts will be rejected and which parts you'll see Everywhere#god i feel like there needs to be a new Thing that causes the need for nostalgia#e.g. in the 70s when punk and indie started as a response to the way music was getting so. idk. complicated or whatever#or like kind of inaccessible to do yourself. like dgmw prog rock slaps disco slaps etc. but not everyone could just. do that#and then punk happened and it was so simplified like no long guitar solos or whatever it was so stripped down. and same with indie#not to ramble about what was in my dissertation but early indie was SO 60s influenced it was unreal. and. it was the nostalgia.....#and then i guess with punk there was new wave and post punk and then new romantics and synthpop and things got synthier and then idk#the 80s were so electronic which. again it slaps. but then it got to a point that it was Too Much again that there needed to be a Return#to the past and stuff. so then grunge and britpop and other stuff happened#and idek it always seems to be there's a new music genre or new subculture that evolves over a few years into different things#before getting too much and the next generation wants to go back so they make a new genre. which then evolves and the cycle goes on#but (at least from what I've seen. which probably isn't a lot bc i live under a rock) there doesn't seem to be anything New lately?#everything's all revivals of older genres now. like i haven't seen any new equivalent to emo or britpop or punk or beat or rock n roll etc#like a thing that Changes the timeline. and i was reading this essay about the new beatles song saying how we don't need a new beatles song#even though the new song's still cool it was kind of saying like everything nowadays is recycled and nothing is shocking anymore#like nostalgia is so big now. with all the film remakes and stuff like that. there is nooTHING NEWLY NEW. IDEK. I am rambling so much#just thinking about many things. this was sparked bc i listened to twilight by cover drive and it literally transported me back to year 7#and that led to early 10s nostalgia and by the time that comes back into fashion will the nostalgia problem be worse or will something have#happened within that time. like a new punk or something. tbf i guess a lot of what I'm talking about is to do with rock and i mean#there's rap and stuff which i don't listen to a lot of so idk maybe there's stuff going on there which i don't know about. but then#i want there to be something i Do know about. like something you can't escape. kids are all dressing like this and listening to this and#we WILL hear about it. new proper subculture that isn't just a week long tiktok trend. ykw i blame tiktok for all of this lol#but yeah. holy shit tag limit#ramble
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thinking again about the higher rate of queer identities amongst the disabled and/or neurodivergent, and how one common dismissal of those identities is due to an association with those minorities. when that increased tendency should be all the more concrete evidence that queer identities are a real part of the human experience. because disability and neurodivergence are very real parts of the broader human experience too
just because you don't have red hair doesn't mean redheaded people don't exist. just because you don't have schizophrenia doesn't mean schizophrenic people don't exist. just because you're not trans doesn't mean trans people don't exist. for any one of these demographics of person, belonging to that demographic is their individual human experience
ableism, racism, homophobia, it all goes hand in hand
#I'm mostly just rambling but this is ok to rb if you want#what got me thinking about it again#is that 7/9 of people with EDS are afab#and of that approx 70% like a third consider themselves queer#and that. cis or not. it's becoming very common to medicate afab hEDS patients with T#because studies have shown that estrogen levels do royally fuck up connective tissue when it's already wonky#so yeah. i absolutely am one of those people for whom disability and gender overlaps#for many reasons
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i kinda don't want to go back to camp but some of my stuff is still there
#so basically i have to go home every weekend (go home Friday after lunch go back sunday after lunch)#which means i have to go back tomorrow#and all i want to do is talk to the silly people on my phone and not be extremely misgendered and unable to correct people#cause telling campers my pronouns isn't camp appropriate.#sometimes this camp makes me want to die a little#but i already paid for the three weeks and i don't want to just waste that money#and i have some fun#but it kinda sucks to be there without my phone and it's hot out and i get misgendered and asked why i have a cane and told to get over my#meltdowns by another C.I.T amd there's never ang silemce except when I'm sleeping and the food isn't great and my schedule has to completely#change for it and i have to go to bed early and i have to stand the sun to lead songs and I'm almost always moving or standing and everyone#is loud all the time and singing during meal times is hell cause the lodge echoes so it's just really loud and i cried 4 times last week and#had about 2-3 meltdowns in five days#and I'm exhausted from it and i can't do what i used to love doing at that camp because it causes me so much pain#and no other person at the camp has mobility issues besides the 70 uear old CIT director that very obviously doesn't fully believe i need my#cane or to sit down frequently or take breaks#so yeah I'm a bit overwhelmed#not to mention i don't even know if i want to be a counselor at that camp anymore because of the whole pronouns thing#the media director said i might be able to join the media team they want to put together#and i really love this camp cause I've been going to it for so fuckin long and I've wanted to be a counselor here since my first week as a#camper#but it's all a lot#and i don't know if i should take a stand and be like “nope I'm not gonna let you treat me like this you just lost a future employee” or#just suck it up?#i hate breaking promises i made to myself in the past#and i told myself i was gonna be a counselor here no matter what#but i just dont know if i can take all that bs all summer every summer#ugh#tw vent
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Man it's been a whole ass like 5 or so hours but I'm still so annoyed at a coworker who was talking to me about someone and mentioned she figures if doctors decided surgery wasn't necessary she always counts it as good. And I think about visiting my mom in the hospital after they spent the night in the ER and ended up almost septic before they decided "okay fine I guess we should cut them open" so much so that their intestines swelled out of the incision when they were doing the surgery and they were told that like. If it was like 10m later it'd've been too late. And I think about people like my coworker. And I'm angry and terrified all over again.
#personal;#mom didn't tell me ANY of the rest if it until years after#as kids visiting we just knew mom had (another) surgery#but mon has very gallows humor and jokes about these things bc what else do you have#and when i was much older and living with them then i learned these things#and i don't remember much of that hospital visit#but like. looking back in retrospect really just. i dunno man.#i had forgotten about this until today and i“ve been SO ANGRY every since she said that but like#at work so gotta do work so i couldn't debate her#esp when like.... i'm not gonna change her mind#she's like 70+ and is progressive in some ways but in others i want to bash her head in
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I was on the phone with Tobin, talkin' bout how my great uncle died and how at his (Tobin’s) funeral, BEFORE, he's goin to tell EVERYBODY that I'm GOIN to say “Well, there goes a real sack of crap!” AT the funeral and to NOT get mad when I do say that
His words, “Mel’s threatened to say ‘there goes a real sack of crap!’ at the funeral, so DON'T get mad when they do!”
Followed by, “Can you IMAGINE how mad everybody would get after you said that?”
He's 53 and STILL ‘members the time I told him when he was in his 30s that I WAS GOIN TO SAY THAT WHEN HE DIES AT HIS FUNERAL
Like holy shit, this is one of the moments you KNOW that we're related
#that's a reference from The Simpsons that we would say ALL the time cause we had no wifi and would watch DVDs of whatever we had#and we had A LOT of The Simpsons DVDs (not the newer ones or the first two seasons cause we didn't really like those early episodes)#it was also cause Marge was SO annoyin in the first two seasons and would ONLY do that grumble noise SO annoyingly for NO damn reason#but yea#this is still a thing that I WILL fuckin do 😂#just WAIT till my twin gets up there after I say that#THAT'S when it'll be hilarious#we're so mean to each other in a funny way#but I also still have mixed feelings for him and that's why I'm literally goin to say that even if it does cause shit in the remainin family#he thinks that his older (by 12 YEARS) brother is goin to be there (somehow alive) when he dies and I'm just questionin if he's goin to die#early or somehow before his brother dies when his brother is 65 right now and if Tobin plans to die at the age of 70 when he's 82 then-#that's fuckin nuts and hilarious that he doesn't understand maths like that#cause I don't think my uncle (his brother) wants to live till he's 82 or even in his 80s#but he's got a good 15 years to go (cause he's also REALLY healthy and not in Bad shape at all like Tobin is cause of his poor choices)#and I don't think Tobin wants to live another 15 years to only croak at 68 cause THAT'S young to die at#so this whole ramble in the tags of maths in shit is just a conclusion that his brother is definitely not goin to be at his funeral to hear-#me say that and I won't get in trouble by HIM but MAYBE my aunt who's 6 years YOUNGER than Tobin#BUT I DO WHAT I WANT AUNT FITTY AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME FROM SAYIN THAT WHEN THE TIME COMES#sorry for the long ramble#ramble in the tags#I need to shut up#Shut up G#not DC#not DC related#personal#personal post
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"in your darkest hour, in the blackest night…think of me…and I will be with you. always. for where else could I go? who else could I love but you?" i'm never gna shut up abt this line from ffxiv
#🌙.rambles#[ ffxiv. ]#the self-love in lvl 70 quests >>>>#honestly my interpretation of it is#yeah. no one could love you any better than your own self#n what this quote means to me rlly helped me a lot in the past few years#when i'm remember n hold unto myself#of how i've come this far bcs i'm me yk?#this 2023 i really won't be so afraid anymore#i'll hesitate less i won't hide as much#the only things that rlly. weigh me down i think are#the. inevitable loneliness n#the weight of the past that i love so much.. bcs i really do value life so much. it's too much for me bcs i feel too much n think too much#n i want to do so much but#yk as long as i'm. me. i think i'll manage somehow#i'll make my way through as i always have#it's just a bit lonely when i think about it but yk i do have my family i do have my friends n i'll always have apollo#music literature stories video games art or wtvr just really mean so much to me bcs i can express myself freely n truthfully#but it's so bittersweetly human to not be able to do as much as i want n i don't think i've completely accepted it despite#knowing n being so aware of it. but i'm still.. young after all.#random thought but i rlly like my hair today i hope it'll still be like this on the fair 🫣#ARGHHH I WANT TO WRITE SO MUCH BUT I'M A BIT TIRED RN BCS OF WALKING OUTSIDE W APOLLO#ONE DAY ONE DAY we will adopt some of the strays here 🥺 starting next week we're gna help the volunteers here feed them#yk what i'm gna get things done now n i'll stop writing >< i'll. fix my tumblr one day. yes. but for now i'll focus on myself.
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