#and tumblr also gets seems to get minimal responses these days so maybe i should just go back to bed

[sweetfirebird]

Coming out of depression or burnout or writer's block or intense life stressors as a creator online is so weird because you are supposed to have a social media presence all the time and have projects going all the time, but of course you don't (and can't and no one can). And obviously that wasn't happening during your time spent in the Phantom Zone but then you start to come out of that, and you are working again, or thinking about it, and you are excited and feeling better but also have nothing to post because everything is only in the beginning or middle stages. But you can't think about that, because then the 'I have nothing to offer' shame spiral will drag you back into not doing anything. But meanwhile, you still need to post something because this is the current late stage capitalism hellscape of needing to do your own promo and having an online presence, so all your fun motivated energy now must be turned to the promo shit and not the actual work shit, and wouldn't it be easier just to not do anything at all? No I'm not going through anything says the person who just did a newsletter that had zero news in it and hasn't posted serious anywhere in a while.

[justajsworkshop]

Hi. I'm the 🍥 anon and I'm back. It's been nice and light 3 days and I feel much better than before. So thanks a lot for ur advice rlly.

I tried to follow whatever you said for the most part, but couldn't exactly do it all. I'm actually preparing for one of the toughest exams of my nation and I study almost 12-13 hours a day, so I'm barely free. I don't rlly like studying and plus there's a ton of other more shitty circumstances, (I just wouldn't wanna trauma dump here) so thats why I kind of was very much obsessed with the void. (changing ur whole life in an instant seems like a big win lol and also too good to be true, hence the doubts.)

But istg, in almost 8 whole months, this was the first time I was EVER away from Tumblr. Otherwise I'd be here everyday, anytime i would be free, obsessively scrolling. Time away rlly felt nice and I've decided to minimize my usage of Tumblr as much as possible. I still love Tumblr, but I feel like some things over here rlly trigger my doubts and fear.

I tried to take out time for myself tho, I listened to music, watched a movie, and tried to find the fun in life. It felt nice. I also affirmed 'I am' whenever I could. I feel like I still didn't affirm as much as I should have. I would affirm in my mind every time I meditated since thats when I feel the most at peace. But I'm still going to continue affirming 'I am'.

About the intention part, I wrote that I'm excellent at math and surprisingly, one of the math chapters that everybody finds difficult seemed like a child's play to me.

I also feel like I can have whatever I want to now, and maybe just not yet, but very soon. I also feel like this is meant for me. So thankyou so much for that as well.

Now I actually want to start learning and applying the law since I never paid much attention to it due to my void obsession. Even though I still want to tap into the void and manifest my dream life as soon as possible, I just feel like I could try applying the law as well.

So overall, thankyou so much. Really I'm very grateful and I will await your response.

hello again, and welcome back! this is a great update. i love to hear it. you 100% created that shift with your math studies, no doubt. that's amazing! def give yourself lots of credit for making that happen for yourself because YOU are source. you really did execute the law perfectly in that regard.

i'll also add that the law is working all the time. there's no on or off switch to manifesting/shifting. it's just a matter of us choosing to consciously wield what we do naturally. we're accepting that we are the awareness that has the freewill to choose what we want to experience in physical reality. and i think it's worth mentioning that the law above all laws is the law of being, not even just the law of assumption.

this is why i recommend to everyone to focus less on how much you're affirming, what you're affirming, what your desires are, when it's all going to happen, if it's possible, etc. the only question that matters (and has any power, tbh) is who: who and what are you conscious of being? the limited self? the self who's victimized by circumstances? the self who has no control or power or neeeeeeeeds to tap into the void (something you perceive as separate and more powerful than you, along with difficult to attain) to get what you want because you don't think you're powerful enough as a creator to have the life you desire right here and now?

i understand the void obsession. like, i really, really do. boy, have i been there. but i think it's also worth getting curious about why it's something you obsess over or feel like you need. what story are you telling about yourself through this obsession with the void? anything you want to manifest through the void can be manifested without because you're the operant/omnipotent power of your experience.

i understand the desire for instant radical change, but saying to yourself that you can only accomplish that via the void state simultaneously claims you are not capable of instant radical change by yourself. do you see how these statements are one in the same? as a result, you get stuck in a constant feedback loop of nonfulfillment and feeling like nothing is changing because your beingness is convicted of the truth that you cannot change/you cannot create change. you need this thing you perceive to be outside/greater/more powerful than you to be capable of having what you want.

not to mention, the void state is just... you. there's no separation. it's not some dark entity outside of you that you have to placate and satisfy to win over its good graces. but if you secretly believe that, you'll create the lived experience of it.

i really recommend taking time to just enjoy imagining yourself living your dream life—without placing any unhelpful judgments on that imaginal experience such as it's '"just" in imagination, when will it get here, how is that even possible, blah blah blah. just imagine yourself as you desire to be and just BE that version of self, even for a few moments a day or right before bed/as you're falling asleep. and imagination doesn't just mean visualizing; you can affirm, too, although anytime you "remember" something, it's equally as powerful as imagining. so just play scenes in your head like they're memories because, honestly, they are. all imagining is remembering, and all remembering is imagining. remember yourself as you would like to be. it's not about the level of detail or specificity; it's just about if you're allowing yourself to BE that person.

so, give yourself permission to just be the you you desire to be here and now, and let life give you that version of experiencing reality. you don't have to brute force anything. you don't have to affirm 16 hours straight. you don't have to DO anything at all. this is and has always been a story about beingness. be the you that makes you feel happy and fulfilled within. it's your birthright and who you truly are, after all, so why would you want to keep masquerading as anyone else? including a version of self who is miserable and unfulfilled?

[takinganightdrive]

It’s A Struggle, Friends.

I’ve vaguely touched on this before but haven’t really come out and said it. Sometimes, being on tumblr is difficult for me. It’s depressing. There are all these people having these lovely relationships and I want so badly to be one of them. And I’m coming to see that I’m not sure that’s possible for me. 

I love Clay. Madly. Endlessly. To the moon and back. But I don’t know that we’re ever going to be able to make d/s work between us. We’ve been trying with minimal, periodic success for years now, and most of the time has been spent between times of heavy conversations and good intentions followed by a slow, inexorable slide into...dysfunction, I suppose. I originally made this blog with his partnership, for the two of us. And yet, he has never written anything. I’m not entirely sure he’s ever even logged in without me specifically asking him to read over something. Sometimes I feel guilty, like my friends reading my posts are going to think he’s not even real. I promise he is. 

Part of me wants to blame it entirely on him. To complain that if he was responsible for, well, many things, I wouldn’t have to feel like I spend my time topping him everywhere but the bedroom (unless we’re talking bedtimes, and then again, I’m usually the one who has to say, “it’s late and you have to work tomorrow, maybe you should go to bed”). I want to throw a fit. Or a pity party. Or both. It’s not fair. 

The other part of me wants to take the blame entirely on myself. Likely it’s some deficiency in me that makes this crash and burn, right? I’m too capable. Too independent. Too likely to say, “hell with this,” and do things myself when I’m dissatisfied that they’re not done. How long should I wait for him to take responsibility before I do things myself? Months doesn’t seem to be long enough to make a difference, and eventually I just can’t take it anymore. 

This is difficult to talk about. It’s difficult even to acknowledge. For the brief periods that it works, it feels so good. I want it to work. I want to not have to make it work by myself. I want to be able to make it work by myself. I want to believe him when he says it feels good to him too, and that he also wants it to work. Clay and I were talking last night and I felt like a broken record, saying the same things over again that are somehow still a surprise every goddamn time. And he said, “It feels like taking an open-book, open-note test, and then when I get it back and realize I’ve failed, all the answers corrected and rewritten in red look so obvious.” And my heart breaks. I want him to be happy. I want to be able to make him happy. And yet, to me, the answers often are obvious. 

Every time we go around on this hellish horror movie of a merry-go-round, I promise myself I’m not going to let myself be surprised by the same things again. I won’t hope for things that don’t, haven’t, and likely will never work. Of course, that lasts about three days, or I wouldn’t continually do this. I don’t realize I’ve started hoping for things until I realize how disappointed I am. How much I’ve failed to be enough to make this worth it. How disappointing I must be. How I should have seen it coming soon enough to head off all this slimy self-pity that never quite wipes off. 

But I don’t. So here I am again. 

It’s a part of who I am, or at least I think it is. I don’t know that we’ve been able to keep it up long enough for me to know, really. But I can’t imagine life without him. In the words of the sage, Lemony Snicket, “Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don’t always like.” I love Clay. And my marriage. What I don’t like is the small yet insistent part of me who insists she wants something more than she has. I wish I could send these impossible desires back to the kitchen of fate and replace them with something a lot more likely to occur in this universe. If I could just be different, or want different things... we would both be better off. 

This sucks. And not even in a fun way. 

-Astilbe

[seesgood]

can we very gently talk about call out posts / culture really quick?  not in a judgmental way, but in like a: i just want to pose a thought and explain why i’m never going to buy into it and why i wish it would become less of a trend instead of more of one? and i’ll add the  disclaimer  here: i totally get not wanting certain people around you for various reasons, that is all your prerogative. that’s your comfort level. but in emphasizing “your blog should be a safe space” we’re kind’ve losing sight of the fact that the rpc should also be a safe space, and as much as your comfort and safety matter, so do other people’s. and not just the person who hurt you, but the third parties and other mutuals and 99.9% of people who are not at all involved in any way in whatever happened. so, anyway here goes, read it or don’t, we all have different opinions or reasons, i just want to be heard:

people are allowed to change.  think back to who you were last year. two years ago. think about the stuff you said when you were seventeen, or twenty-one, or hell whatever age you were. current-you would probably cringe at the kind of stuff past-you had to say. because you grew. you learned. you had life experiences. in hindsight you have the freedom to be like “oof yeah that was not the best version of myself right there damn i don’t want to be like that again.” the growing trend of ‘here’s a 10+ page google doc complete with out of context screenshots that sometimes date back to like 2017 or earlier’ makes this kind of change impossible. because right there, you’ve just frozen a person in time, probably not at their best, removed any and all amounts of context, and put it on the internet and let other people judge it for themselves. 

so that leads into another point that i want to just kinda present to the community at large: the act of documenting behaviors and storing them for months / years at a time, in itself creates a super unsafe environment, not just for you, your friends, the people who have hurt you --- but also for anyone else that isn’t at all involved in whatever happened. like, for example, i like to think that i’m a pretty nice person. i actively try to be a nice person. am i sometimes not having the best day? have people definitely caught me in bad moments? oh hell yeah. but am i, as someone who tries really hard to be nice and welcoming, constantly thinking through every message i send to someone knowing that a) i could have a reputation that makes them read into context that isn’t there and that could contribute to them misinterpreting words i meant in a different way, b) very aware that every post i make, ask i send, message i send can at any moment be screenshotted and posted and taken out of context and either serve as someone’s only opinion of me or pile on to someone’s existing opinion of me? yeah. so in my experience, and based on people i’ve talked to, we now have this thing where you can be surface-friends wtih a lot of people, but if you want to survive in the tumblr rpc you should really only have 2-3 people that you really trust that you can actually talk about shit with. 

and lately i’ve been seeing a resurgence of posts on my dash about like “bring back xyz in the rpc” or “the reason the rpc is like this is because of xyz” and i both agree and disagree with a lot of this, but primarily i think the reason the rpc is Off lately is because everyone and their cousin has a DNI, which is --- again --- your decision and i understand and respect that, but while you know the context of every name on that DNI, other people don’t. and to be honest: other people don’t really care and honestly maybe they shouldn’t care. --- and don’t get me wrong, your friends should care if someone has hurt you. that’s important. but joe billy bob who just wants to write their character with yours is going to read through your rules, they’re going to see “do not interact with me if you follow with or interact with these people you’ve never heard of and if you want me to tell you why just message me” (which no one is ever going to do, i’m sorry to say). and say, joe billy bob also followed that other person because they were like ��omg this blog looks cool’ --- now joe billy bob, who just wants to write cool plots, is suddenly the middle-man in some type of drama that they do not understand, and maybe they’re able to remove themselves from the situation, but even then it’s still in the back of your mind. 

this is getting long. it’ll be longer, but let’s take a brief break for me to remind you that in some cases, it’s definitely good to give your mutuals and friends a heads up when someone has done something really, really bad. like, remember x amount of years ago when some dude was like ‘i’m gonna make up a new person and say they died by suicide as a social experiment’ or ‘hey this person actively tries to force very triggering plots about abuse / rape / incest onto people and has been doing so for years and does not seem to change their ways no matter how many people try to educate them’ that’s shit people should probably know about. and it’s also okay ( in my opinion ) for your friends to be able to message you like ‘hey i saw you’re writing with x and i just wanted to let you know i had this experience with them’ if that’s something they feel comfortable doing. and if they are comfortable with you still having the autonomy to make your own decision regarding the person. 

i’ll be honest, for a second: i’ve been part of friendships and groups that have turned really toxic for one reason or another. a handful of times. there are probably people out there that are like “yeah this chick is really fake and manipulative and etc, i was friends with her back in 2019″ which, okay. yeah. i’ve definitely done shit and said shit that was not the most representative of who i want to be and who i want to become, and you probably have to. because we are human beings and we are a product of our social groups and the community around us. and you shouldn’t be chained to a version of you that isn’t you anymore. people change. they grow. you don’t have to like them, but you should respect that sometimes people don’t mesh, and that doesn’t mean any of them are bad people, it just means the experience was bad. 

a few additional notes i would like to make but i’ve already gone on way too long:

90% of the callout posts that i’ve seen and the DNI’s that i’ve seen can, in my opinion, be classified as a friend group thing. you were friends with x, x did something, now y and z aren’t friends with x anymore. pain is a very, very real thing and people hurting you should never be minimized, but at some point i just want you to remember that not every friendship is going to end happily, but both you and the other party should be allowed to move on and grow better, healthier friendships after. rehashing Friend Group Gone Wrong instances removes that ability for not only person x, but also person y and z.

you putting out a callout says just as much ( maybe more ) about you than it does about the other person. which sucks. because i’d like to think we all have great intentions, and i’m not saying that you should swallow your pain, but it might not be the kind of thing that impacts the community at large, and maybe you should try to find a better way of working through it with a trusted friend(s)

i’m going to be very real and very blunt on this one: literally no one cares. i say that with love. i’m good friends with people who have each other on their DNI’s. establish a baseline of respect and ‘i’m not going to say anything to them about you and vice versa because there’s no need for me to do so’ and move on. but seriously. no one cares. most outside people read callout posts because they like being in the know about the drama, not because they actually care. 

person a and person b who are mentioned in the DNI / callout aren’t the only ones who are going to be affected. your friends, your mutuals, your writing partners are now all put in a weird spot where you have to pick sides on an issue you know nothing about and shouldn’t have to know anything about. you’re asking people to choose sides on an issue they cannot fully understand, and that’s not fair to them or to you. and it drives great people away. and then we all lose out on having more awesome people in the rpc.

you’re entitled to your safe space, but this is a public platform and you are also responsible for maintaining your safe space. you shouldn’t put it entirely on other people to do that for you. you can block, blacklist, make up funny names for, or spitefully erase from your many anything and anyone that you wish. but you shouldn’t make your friends do it for you.

there’s always an inherent power imbalance when any kind of drama occurs between those who have more followers / friends / connections and those who do not. and the smaller blog is always going to suffer a little bit more because they don’t have people blindly coming to their defense. 

bad moments, bad experiences, bad decisions DO NOT equal bad people. 

allow people to make up their own mind about something or someone

anywho, if you read through this whole thing i think i owe you financial compensation. but also thank you for reading / listening / considering. even if you rolled your eyes through the whole thing like “stfu lia” that’s fine. i’m just presenting an alternative thought. i’d like to once again state: i’m not judging you if you’ve made a callout/DNI or if you’re on a callout/DNI. like i literally don’t care. and frankly, in my opinion, i shouldn’t have to. because i, and you, and your friends, and your mutuals, and your non-mutuals should be allowed the space to make up their own opinion and mind on something or someone without being told that there will be consequences if they don’t agree with you. set boundaries. communicate in healthy ways. you don’t have to forgive the people who have hurt or wronged you, but you also don’t get to decide that their actions make up 100% of who they are as a person, or decide that that is the only side of that person people should get to see. 

[carat-archive]

under all this

➝ prompts: 

“I wish you could be kissed, Jane,” he said. “Because I would beg just one off you. Under all this.” He flailed an arm toward the stars. — Maggie Stiefvater, The Dream Thieves 

13. “i’m not worthy of anybody’s love.” “that’s not true, you’re worthy of mine.” followed by the lover breaking eye-contact… + a love confession (source)

➝ pairing: best friend!chanhee x gn!reader, former changmin x reader

➝ genre: fluff, minimal angst

➝ themes & tropes: best friends to lovers

➝ warnings: alcohol consumption

➝ word count: 1.3k

➝ notes: this is so self-indulgent it hurts, but anyways, here’s a drabble based off one of my favorite lines of dialogue from the raven cycle + a bonus prompt i found on tumblr. (this also made me realize i rarely write friends to lovers... should do that more often). special thanks to grace & husna (@masterninjacow​) for beta-reading this for me!

➝ scan credit: @hyunjae_gif / hyunjae-gif on twitter / tistory!

You think part of you will always love Ji Changmin. Another part of you knows the two of you were never meant to be.

You realize this when you see him at the altar, a look of pure adoration on his face as he gazes at his newlywed spouse. (He never looked at you like that.) 

It stirs up a cocktail of emotions, ranging from envy to relief. Eventually, you would have fallen out of love with him, and yet, you still wish it were you up there with Changmin, about to have your first dance as a married couple. 

Maybe you’re just lonely, you muse, downing your glass of champagne. 

Someone squeezes your hand beside you, drawing your attention away from the happy pair. Chanhee interlaces his fingers with yours, smiling softly in your direction. Sighing, you rest your head on his shoulder, leaning into his warmth. 

“Thanks for coming today, you didn’t have to,” you murmur, fingering the empty flute of champagne in your unoccupied hand. 

“I’m your best friend,” he states, a laugh spilling off his lips. “You know I would do anything for you.” He pries the glass from your hand, uncurling your fingers. “I’ll go get you another drink.” 

You do your best to mingle with the other guests without Chanhee by your side, encountering old friends and exchanging pleasantries until your cheeks begin to hurt from the effort of keeping the smile frozen on your face. After what seems like your fiftieth greeting, you begin to wander around the venue, hoping to catch a glimpse of Chanhee before you stumble backwards into a warm body. 

“Oh it’s you,” Changmin says, interrupting the stuttering start to your apology. He’s alone, you notice, his spouse likely making their own rounds around the room. 

Your words pour out on their own volition, accompanied by nervous laughter. “Congratulations! I’m so happy for you. Sorry for bumping into you just now. I guess I should watch where I’m going.” 

Changmin chuckles, taking a sip from his wine glass. “No worries. How have you been?” 

“I’ve been doing well! I moved back a few weeks ago and I started my new job recently. We should meet up soon, it would be nice to get the group back together,” you ramble, shifting your weight from side to side. 

“I see you and Chanhee finally figured things out,” he says, smiling above his wine glass, following your eyes as they dart around the room.

“What do you mean?” 

“You two have always been in love with each other, whether you realized it or not. It’s why we never could have worked out.” He shakes his head, looking down at his hands. ”You would always put him first, and there was never room for three in your relationship.” 

Your mouth drops open in shock, but before you can formulate a response, an enthusiastic couple rushes up to Changmin, offering their congratulations. As he turns to face them, he calls out over his shoulder, “I’ll see you around, Y/N.”

With that, he walks away, leaving you alone with your thoughts.

You need some air.

Pushing open the doors to the balcony, you step outside, feeling the cool night breeze brush against your skin. You wrap your arms around your sides, taking deep breaths as you gaze up at the stars.

Chanhee’s your best friend, your better half, the first person you talk to in the morning and the last one at night. He’s the only one who has seen the entirety of your soul and still somehow decided to stay by your side. If there were one person you had to spend the rest of your life with, it would be him. You can’t imagine a life without Choi Chanhee. 

But that doesn’t mean you like him like that, right?

The door creaks open behind you, but you don’t bother turning around. There’s only one person who would come looking for you here. As if to confirm your suspicions, Chanhee taps your elbow gently, extending your now-refilled champagne flute towards you. 

“Thanks,” you mumble sheepishly, leaning against the cool metal ledge of the balcony. You can’t help but notice the slight flush in his cheeks and the way his eyes seem to drink in the sight of you bathed in moonlight, like ill-fated Actaeon stumbling across the form of heavenly Artemis. 

Maybe your conversation with Changmin affected you more than you had thought. 

“Sorry I took so long,” he says, scratching the back of his neck. “I got caught up with some old friends.” 

“Understandable. It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” 

Chanhee hums in agreement, settling by your side, his elbow brushing yours. You ignore how the brief touch makes your skin tingle in excitement, as if you were a lovestruck teenager again. 

“What did Changmin want?” he asks.

“Nothing.” 

“Are you sure?” He tilts his head towards you, taking in your distant expression. “You look pretty tense.” 

“I’m fine. Just thinking.” You take another sip of the champagne, wiping your mouth with the back of your hand. “It’s just… I thought I was going to marry this guy someday, and here I am, avoiding everyone at his wedding while they’re celebrating.” You laugh bitterly, shoulders starting to slump downwards. “The thing is, it’s not that I’m not happy for him. I mean, I’ve been over him for a while. I just didn’t expect coming back to feel like this.” Gesturing vaguely, you let out a sigh before meeting Chanhee’s gaze. For the first time in a while, you realize that you can’t tell what he’s thinking. “Maybe I’m just not worthy of anybody’s love.” 

“That’s not true,” Chanhee replies, his face softening as he takes hold of your hand. “You’re worthy of mine.” 

You avert your eyes as you attempt to extract your hand from his grasp. “You’re only saying that as my best friend.” 

“I’m serious, Y/N,” he pleads, drawing your attention back towards him. Dropping your hand, he rakes his hair back in exasperation. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m in love with you. Maybe I’ve been in love with you all along, and never realized it until one day I looked at you and realized I didn’t want to call you just my best friend, but also my lover, my partner. Mine.” 

Chanhee takes a deep breath before meeting your eyes again, his voice dropping to a whisper. “You deserve to be loved.”

He leans against the balcony, placing his hands by either side of your body until he’s close enough that you can feel the illusion of his touch on your skin. You’re more than aware of the metal ledge digging into your back, but it doesn’t bother you—not when Choi Chanhee stands in front of you, looking like he outshines all the stars in the night sky, breathtaking and brilliant. 

“Can I kiss you? Just once?” he begs, gently cradling your face in his hands. “Just once, under all this, to show you the kind of love you deserve. And then we will never speak of it again.”

“Just once,” you breathe out, nodding your head. Just once to see what it’s like, to get it out of your system, to crush the butterflies suddenly fluttering around in your stomach.

Chanhee’s lips are soft, hesitant—caressing yours with a tenderness that makes your heart ache. Wrapping your arms around his neck, you pull him infinitesimally closer to you, your fingers threading through his hair. You let yourself get lost in the kiss, indulging in the sweet alcohol on his lips, even as you tell yourself that it’s just pretend. 

You can blame it on the champagne running through your veins all you want, but deep down, you know that once you’ve had your taste of Chanhee, you’ll never want to let him go. 

Chanhee pulls away, a bittersweet look in his eyes. As he tries to detangle himself from your embrace, you quickly press your lips to his again, leaving him stunned by the sudden action. 

“I love you,” you whisper, placing your forehead against his. “I think I’ve always loved you, I just didn’t know it yet.”

A dazzling smile spreads across Chanhee’s face as he kisses you back, his thumb stroking your cheek softly. 

“I love you too.”

[haienatrash]

When They’re Out of The Limelight

Note: Hi everyone, I hope you guys are doing fine. I decided to delete the first version of this fanfic and write another one with a different ending, coz I received some feedbacks (not just from tumblr but also on twitter) saying that the ending was depressing and that I was too cruel to the characters (which was true, i admit that and i’m sorry. Lol.) I love my moots and I don’t want them to be sad. So here you go, this version contains two parts, hope you guys enjoy the story! - haienatrash

Part I - The After Party

June 5, 2020 - Baeksang Arts Awards 2020

"Everyone's looking for you." Someone with a sexy baritone voice said which made her twirl in surprise. It was Ju Ji Hoon. He was still in his simple yet gorgeous tuxedo with the brooch pin that she had chosen for him to use that night.

Hye Soo smirked at him, a bottle of beer on her left hand. It was that familiar tipsy grin that Geum Ja often use to Hee Jae when they would drink a bottle or more of Soju in Hyena. She sipped a beer before turning her back on him again.

Ji Hoon on the other hand, smiled while admiring her voluptuous figure from the back, taking note of the small details just like the back slit of the dress, how it exposed a little of her skin and the Bulgari Diamond Serpenti flawlessly resting on her back down to the middle of her spine. He was truly amazed at how the black Ralph Lauren dress fitted her body perfectly, flaunting those curves that she maintained through the years.

But his brows creased when he realized she wasn't wearing the white coat she had earlier. She must have left it on the venue downstairs, he unbuttoned his tuxedo jacket and pulled it off from his torso as he slowly walked towards Hye Soo, the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Upon reaching her, he carefully placed the tuxedo jacket on her shoulder to keep her warm before leaning on the railing that reaches up to their abdomen. His gesture made her look up at him, but he was ignoring her stare pretending to look at the 360-degree view of Seoul. They were on the rooftop of the hotel where the Baeksang Arts Award 2020 after party was held.

"Hoon-ssi it's fine, you don't---"

"You're wearing a dress." He cut her off "Exposing your shoulder and your back..." He paused staring back at her before he continued what he was saying "Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against you wearing that sexy dress, but I don't want you to get cold, alright Sunbaenim?" He rolled his eyes the way Hee Jae did, that made Hye Soo chuckle, amused by how Ji Hoon still has a bit of his character with him.

"Hee Jae is that you?" She asked him still giggling a bit "Sorry, but Geum Ja's not here tonight."

"Who says I want Geum Ja? I want Hye Soo." He said not looking away from her.

There was no response from her, now the only thing they could hear was the sound of the gusting wind. Their gazes were locked, she could feel the blood rushing to her face turning her cheeks into crimson red. He never fails to make her feel this way as if it was the first time that someone said those words to her.

"But you can't." She said bitterly, looking away from him, setting the bottle of beer on the railing cap.

Ji Hoon looked down, "You don't trust me, do you?"

"Trust isn't the issue in here. It's the age, the opinion of everyone around us and the career... Your career."

"I'm willing to give it all up---"

"Well I don't, I wouldn't let you give up everything you worked for just to be with me." She cut him off staring back at him. "You're young, you're smart and you're talented, there's so much ahead of you. Don't waste it with someone like me and I am sure you'll find someone much better, someone who can give you a family, a son, or maybe a daughter." She explained but it seems like he wasn't listening to any of it.

"Then I'll take whatever you can give. I love you, and I know you feel the same... Please?" He grabbed both her hands and kissed her knuckles. His eyes started getting wet.

"Ji Hoon, stop." She said pulling her hands away from him.

"This is so unfair. I just wanted to be with you." She saw how tears pooled down his cheeks as he said those words. She felt her heart broke into million pieces, watching him weep because of her.

She couldn't help herself, but extend her hand to his face, cupping his cheek wiping his tears using her thumb. Then she pulled him closer for the last time and caught his lips with hers, kissing him slowly and softly making it linger, trying to ease his pain.

Hye Soo pulled out of the kiss before saying "Let's not see each other again."

Hye Soo walked away from Ji Hoon and did not dare to look back anymore, because she would just do the foolish thing and gave into her emotion again. It's better to end it right now than to fuck everything up later on.

Part II - The Resolve

June 24, 2020 - Hyena BD Commentary Filming Day

Ji Hoon tapped the shoulder of his driver reminding him to take the day off and park the car on the fifth level before he came out of the black Mercedes Benz. He was wearing a plain navy-blue colored t-shirt with a large print on the back and a pair of jeans his hair was neatly brushed up the way Hee Jae would like it, with a black face mask and sunglasses on, which helped him disguise himself and not be noticed by the public. He entered the building and walked straight to the elevator, he pressed the thirteenth button and quietly stood there waiting as it lifted him to his floor.

He still felt a bit dizzy and nauseous because of his hangover from last night, he had been like this for a couple of weeks now and it was still because of what happened at the hotel rooftop last June fifth. That was the last time he saw her, and it didn't go well. His heart ached as he recalled how she walked away from him saying that they shouldn't see each other anymore.

He tried reaching out to her since that night, calling her everyday or whenever he was drunk trying to fix everything between them, but she would just shrug him off and ignore his phone calls. He even drove to her house a week ago only to be dragged out by her security. Ji Hoon clutched tightly on his phone, suppressing the tears which was trying to pool out of his eyes, he shouldn’t be like this.

Be professional Ji Hoon. Be professional.

Ji Hoon knew what he did over the past few weeks was pathetic. But he couldn't just let her go, she meant the world to him and he was looking forward to spending the rest of his life with her. He wouldn't get tired of fighting for her. That was his main reason why he wanted to attend the commentary.

Hye Soo Sunbae would be there. He thought.

Ji Hoon kept on saying that to himself, that was the only motivation he had for almost three weeks, that the commentary would be a good chance to speak with her.

The elevator opened, he looked at the indicator saying they were already on the thirteenth floor, he walked towards Studio five and gently pushed the glass door of the studio; he was welcomed by some of the staffs and crews that he had worked with during the filming of Hyena. He bowed to them as a sign of respect mostly to those who he knew was older than him, then he saw Jang Tae Yoo the director of Hyena, standing next to a tall woman with short hair who's back was facing him.

Obviously, it was her. His sunbae. Kim Hye Soo. The director looked at his direction with a smile on his face. Ji Hoon could read his mouth saying, "Ju Ji Hoon is here." to her. She turned to him, she was wearing a simple white blouse paired with a tattered pair of jeans and a white coat draping over her shoulder, it was simple yet stunning. Well, Hye Soo has always been stunning even in those simple clothes, the corner of her lips curved into a little smile as if nothing happened between them.

Damn, she really is a good actress... He said at the back of his mind. Ji Hoon waved his hand to them, he walked towards them bowing to his leading lady and the director. He felt awkward, not knowing how he should act around her.

"We're glad that you're here already. Maybe we could start in an hour?" Asked Jang Tae Yoo looking up to Ji Hoon. Both leads nodded to him. "Good, we'll go get the lights fixed. Have some snacks first." He said patting Ji Hoon's arm before he left them alone.

Silence surrounded them. He sighed before removing his mask, folding it and sliding it into the back-pocket of his jeans.

I miss you.

I need you.

I love you.

There was a lot of thing that he wanted to ask, and he wanted to say to her but "Hey..." Was all that came out of his mouth.

"Hi." She responded, still with that minimal smile on her lips. She handed him a cookie in pink packaging, which he took instantly like a kid who was given a candy.

She stared at him intently, examining his face. His lips were pale and dry. "Take your sunglasses off, it's a bit disrespectful to greet the director with those on." She said using the director as an excuse to see his face better.

Ji Hoon, without any second thought, took off his sunglasses revealing the dark circles under his unique mismatched eyes, he looked exhausted as if he hadn't slept for weeks. Hye Soo sighed rolling her eyes, she knew it.

"Meet me in the restroom at the end of the hallway going to Studio six and don't forget to put back those sunglasses on." She said before making her way out of Studio five.

• • •

He opened the door of the all-gender restroom then he saw her leaning with her hips on the tiled sink waiting for him. He locked the door before walking towards her, he wasn't sure what she wanted from him but here he was, obviously he couldn't resist her. She stood up properly when she saw him walking towards her, motioning him to switch places with her. Now he was the one who’s leaning on the sink.

"What do you want?" he asked as serious as he could.

"Close your eyes." She stated, ignoring his question. Hye Soo thought he wouldn't do as she said but he did, but as the usual he couldn't keep his mouth shut. He kept on blabbering about how she said the other week that they shouldn't see each other anymore but here they were, in the public restroom, alone. That he called her every day, but she didn't answer any of them and how her security dragged him out of her village. He did all that as she got the wet wipes from her bag, she leaned closer to him and gently cleaned his face, removing the unwanted dirt from his flawless face.

She could spend her whole day just staring at him, memorizing every inch of his face taking note of the small details like the mole on his left cheek that you could barely see if you aren't this close to him and the pointed nose that she compared with the Himalayas, which he found funny.

Hye Soo pulled the primer and the concealer from her make-up pouch. Lucky enough, she still has the concealer that he left on her bathroom the last time he spent the night there which matched his skin tone. She applied a bit primer on his skin and some concealer underneath his eyes. She took her time as she did his make-up, they still have an hour and she wanted this to last, she wouldn't tell anyone, but she missed this dork, she missed him.

"Will you please shut your mouth for a moment Hoon-ssi?" She asked, applying a thin layer of powder on his skin.

"My eyes are closed already, and now you also want me to close my mouth. I don't even understand why you're doing this. You aren't even answering any of my question?!"

"Keep your tone down, will you?" She asked before putting the final touch, a lipstick. From his cheek, her eyes travelled down to his thin lips, it was dry, but she still found them kissable. She gulped.

Don't do it. Don't. Her conscience kept on telling her, but she did it anyway, she kissed him. What she did left him silent, her lips moving against his. It took him a minute or two before he returned her kisses. His hand on her hips pulling her closer to him. The kiss was soft and slow.

“Does that answer all your questions?” She whispered against his mouth before pulling away to catch a breath. "I did that to push you away. Because I wanted to protect you." She placed a hand on his chest. "Let's talk about this later, okay? For now, let's get you ready for the commentary."

He only nodded letting her finish his make-up. After him she fixed herself next, wiping down the smudged lipstick on the corner of her mouth before putting another layer of the same lipstick she used for Ji Hoon's lips.

• • •

After the commentary they drove straight to the Director's house to celebrate the success of Hyena. The whole Team H was there, together with the supporting characters of Hyena, Gyeong Hwa even prepared a cake with the candles saying 'Hyena'. It was fun to be with them again and have a nice dinner while catching up. The celebration ended around ten in the evening, and everyone had gone on their separate ways, but it was different for Ji Hoon and Hye Soo, they still needed to talk.

Ji Hoon parked his car a few blocks away from her house the way he did before. She looked at him and she knew he felt anxious about how their conversation would end up, she could see it on his movements that's why she held his right hand and intertwined it with hers.

"Hey, we'll see each other again, okay?"

"Are you sure---"

"I'm not." She looked straight into his eyes "I'm not sure about what I'm doing and what will be the consequences, but there's one thing that I'm sure of..." She paused, gripping on his hand tighter before saying "And that’s you. I'm sure about you, I'm sure that I want to be with you." She smiled reassuring him that she wouldn't let him go, not anymore.

- END -

Bonus Content!!

On December twenty-fifth Kim Hye Soo posted photo on Instagram with a silhouette of a man, with a very intriguing caption. Some fans guessed it was Ju Ji Hoon. Then the next day both their agencies confirmed that they were dating.

Note: This photo collage is edited, and none of these are true. Thank you for reading!! 

[thesaltyace]

big rant/ramble below, you can safely ignore and move on to the next post in your feed.

Urgh

I shared the results of that autism screener with a quasi-friend who I thought would be "safe" (we used to work together and we connected over his being gay and me being visibly queer) but his response was blergh

Everyone has hints of autism.

okay yeah but this isn't just *hints* of autism. I'm answered yes to symptoms I've had since I was a kid that I've learned to mask or work around as an adult. But I still struggle with them.

He pointed out that he sees me as more ADHD than ASD.

Yeah, fair, and I'd need to see a professional to try to distinguish if my symptoms are ADHD, ASD, or both.

You don't hit the three prongs needed for a diagnosis.

But.... but I do. And the stuff I dealt with as a kid is still stuff I deal with today. I just mask it better. A short and not exhaustive list:

As I kid I had trouble interacting with peers. I didn't have friends, really. I didn't know how to make friends and I didn't try terribly hard to. I acquire friends when someone else "adopts" me and decides that we are friends. And once I became an adult, I have almost never had friends of my own - I share a friend group with my spouse who we're primary connected to through him. I'm okay with that. Maintaining a friendship entirely on my own power sounds impossible and exhausting.

I was okay with not having friends, I liked being alone, but my mom insisted on me being social. She made me join things so that I would have a list of people to invite to parties. I'd honestly have preferred a day of doing stuff I like or just a couple friends. As an adult, I want to be alone on my birthday. I will celebrate with certain friends, separately, usually over a quiet meal. That's it.

I had trouble understanding sarcasm and figurative speech. Like, I understand it now but I still think most figurative speech is annoying. I've been told the way I deliver sarcasm is weird, too.

I liked memorizing movies and quoting them start to finish, I thought it was fun but everyone else thought it was weird. I continued to do this into adulthood but I only quote aloud when I'm alone. Alamo Drafthouse quote-alongs are the BEST. I don't do this with every movie, either, just ones I really like.

Okay actually I also liked to listen to the same album or, in some cases, the same song over and over until I was sick of it (and sometimes even after that point). I mean, just endlessly looping on repeat. Not interspersed with other songs. I do this as an adult a LOT because it's easier with headphones to do this without annoying everyone else around you. Like, often it's fine for me to just put a playlist on shuffle, but I get into Moods where I just want the one album/song over and over. Yesterday I listened to Wellerman about 50 times in a row and only stopped because I had to get up and do something else and that song wasn't "good" for whatever I got up to do.

My special interest as a kid was cats. Literally everything cats, all the time - I sought out obscure facts and could tell you the difference between similar species, and wanted cats involved in literally everything I did. Adults laughed it off as childhood obsession. I was also pretty obsessed with the solar system. I thought asking my peers, as a trivia question, which of Jupiter's moons had its own asteroid (Io, in case you were wondering) was appropriate and interesting and was confused that they didn't know that. That was in fifth grade.

I watched the weather channel for fun. I would watch it for hours and absorb the weekly forecast info just... for fun? I never used it, could never tell you if you should dress a certain way or bring an umbrella or whatever. Everyone thought it was weird.

I was a know-it-all and literally could not stop myself from bluntly correcting people who were wrong. Didn't know or care that it was "rude". I'm still that way but I've learned how to sometimes swallow the urge long enough to find a more tactful way to point it out (but often fail).

I could read on my own before kindergarten, used vocabulary beyond what one would expect for my age, and had a special interest in spelling and grammar throughout my school years. I did not understand how other people weren't interested in learning about it and getting it right. I read at an undergrad level by 4th grade.

I hated loud noises and often covered my ears to block out irritating sounds. I could also hear high pitched noises that even other kids didn't seem to hear (or at least weren't bothered by them). Too much noise sent me into an internal meltdown, I'd just kinda shut down because I couldn't deal with it.

Textures and pressure on my skin bothered the absolute fuck out of me - sock seams, certain fabric materials, socks that weren't equally elastic, one shoe tighter than the other, tags.... all of that. (Also, fun anecdote I just unlocked - when I was 4 or 5 my grandmother started letting me use the soft silk sleep shirt she had as a young woman because I preferred it to anything else. Soft, smooth, no irritating qualities. Bliss. I wanted to wear it all the time.)

Don't get me started on food. Until I was in COLLEGE I mostly subsisted on pasta with either butter or alfredo sauce and chicken. I would eat other things, but pasta and/or chicken was (and still is) my biggest safe/comfort food. I'd eat other stuff mostly if I could control the balance of ingredients, get it made plain, or could confirm the texture wouldn't be offensive (so, like... plain burgers, plain cheese pizza, grilled cheese, mashed potatoes, etc.) I cannot stress this enough - from childhood through COLLEGE I did this. As a kid my mom had to make me a completely separate dish most nights to get me to eat something. My spouse was horrified at what little variety I ate. The only reason I eat so much variety now is that he knows what I do/don't like and tells me in advance if I'll find a texture or taste offensive. Of course, rather than wanting consistent texture like I did when I was younger, I now seek as much texture as possible (so long as they aren't Bad textures) so.... that's fun. But yeah most of my objections to Yucky foods is due to T E X T U R E. Even if I like the taste, the texture overrides it all.

I prefer animals to people. I will seek out animals and interact with them instead of people in the same room. And will pointedly focus on the animal to avoid interacting with people.

I'm perfectly happy with only myself for company. Being with just my spouse counts as me being "alone" though. Always has. I just realized last night that it's because I do minimal to no masking around him because he's a safe person to unmask with and always has been. Never batted an eye at the weird shit I do beyond asking questions about what I was doing or why. And then just "Okay."

Okay honestly just the fact that I want to vent into the void of tumblr instead of actually discussing this with a person - even my spouse! - pretty effectively shows how little it occurs to me to interact with other people directly. o_0

And there are so many more things that I won't list here because I could just go on and on. And like, sure, some of this may certainly overlap with ADHD but my point is that I have enough to point to ASD that it doesn't feel like having a "hint" of autism. And who knows - maybe it is mostly just ADHD and CPTSD stuff interacting in weird ways. Could be!

But just because I can make small talk and make eye contact and do the "normal" shit and I can interact "normally" doesn't mean I LIKE it. I had to LEARN to do those things to avoid having bad social interactions. When I'm by myself or with my spouse, I behave very differently than I do around anyone else. ANYONE. It's not just slightly changing my behavior depending on who I'm with - it's completely suppressing how I naturally would do things if left to my own devices.

Like, the things we recommended to our autistic students who wanted to know how to interact in ways that would help them blend in/be accepted by others ARE THE EXACT THINGS I ALREADY DO. Like, it did not occur to me at the time that neurotypicals literally do not have to think about doing those things. I thought, ah, these students just need to be told what the tricks are. Other people figure these tricks out on their own. It did not occur to me that other people, in fact, do not learn these tricks because they naturally do that behavior. They do not have to actively think about learning the trick, period. I literally thought other people also have to think as hard as I do about interactions. Evidently not.

So yeah, I'm feeling a little upset about the reaction I got from him because I'm like.... honestly, a diagnosis of ASD wouldn't change a lot about how I do things or think of things. But it would make me feel better about interacting with and participating in autism-related stuff if I am actually autistic. I realize I can use the resources and supports meant for ASD regardless, and for formal supports anything I can access due to my ADHD diagnosis likely covers anything I'd need for ASD. But having a diagnosis opens up more community. Right now I'm like yeah I'm ADHD but I totally relate to this ASD content. But I'm not going to interact much because I feel like I don't have the right to join in since idk if I do have ASD.

idk I have a lot of feelings. I had a bad email about the trans insurance coverage thing yesterday and I'm not in a great headspace, but finding out me and my spouse both scored very high on the autism screening stuff was honestly a high point because we ended up sharing a lot of how we view and interact with the world that was very eye-opening about why we interact the way we do, how we relate to others (and how other people think we're weird for how we relate to others), and just...everything. And having someone be skeptical after I've spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that I DON'T have ASD only to conclude that at the very least, I should probably be evaluated because I can't reasonably rule it out. Like, most people do not wonder if they have autism. The fact that I am spending this much time looking into it and trying to find examples to disprove it only to find I overwhelmingly can't in virtually every single diagnostic category.... just..... dismissing it outright is kinda hurtful.

Like, I recognize that ADHD symptoms overlap a fair bit, but seriously. My spouse (who definitively does not have ADHD) scored almost identically to me and we vibed on almost everything when we compared answers. We see most things similarly. We have similar areas of confusion about other people and for fundamentally similar reasons. I can't imagine all of the stuff that points to ASD for me is just ADHD in disguise, not when I vibe THAT HARD with someone else. Spouse does not vibe with me on ADHD content. At all. He can appreciate it since he does live with me, after all, and observes whatever's being discussed. But he doesn't vibe with it. He vibes with autism content, though. And I vibe with both.

idk this rant ended in rambling and I'm just going to go listen to Inside on repeat for a couple hours while I try to calm down a bit. o_0

[angstmonsterwrites]

This week delivered a pretty harsh emotional gut-punch. I had to end the only non-family friendship I had where the person in question lived within a 100mi radius.

She and I had been growing apart for a bit as it was--the way I saw it was that we simply had become two different people than when we first met online back in 2014. We'd exchanged emails for the longest time, and met once at a convention. She was someone who'd been easy to relate to and understand at first because of a traumatic upbringing, but the substance of her messages never changed or varied throughout the years--it was always, always about who had wronged her this time and why it was evidence of how terrible people are, but how she was "hardworking" and "different". We scarcely talked about anything else. Victim mentality. The one time we met only solidified that this was who she was. Imagine someone side-eying perfect strangers in a crowd of cosplayers and constantly grumbling about how they were too scantily clad and making remarks about how sure she was her favorite character would disapprove. (Yes, there was a concerning disconnect from reality there that often made me wonder if there was something schizoid-flavored going on.) Suggesting that she could do anything differently or an alternative point of view was usually met with a lot of reaching and bending over backwards for reasons why nothing was ever her fault or how it was someone else who had to change.

In short, it wasn't commiserating. It was years of me reading long screeds, and going, "Yeah. Uh huh. That sucks." Most of the time, if I brought up any complaint of my own, it was met not with compassion, but with either dismissal so that we could focus on her again, or more ranting about how it was all just more evidence of how right she was. Even just attempts at sharing new interests resulted in a sort of pushback where she'd barely stop short of telling me I was wrong or somehow treacherous for doing so. Trying to share good news always prompted her to double down on refocusing on how awful everything was for her.

As we got into the vile meat of 2020, my energy to respond to long-form emails was pretty well shot, and my responses had slowed down substantially. She started to badger me with the question, "What am I to you?" I explained that I felt our attitudes and values had seriously diverged over the years, and that my stress level was simply too high, but that if she still wanted to keep in touch, it was a better idea to message me here on tumblr or just text my phone. I have no issue having quick back-and-forths, and little to no restrictions on when it's okay to message me. As a general rule, I answer as soon as I see it. This seemed like it would solve the problem with the lapses at least, and communicating in a way that offered instant responses should have provided reassurance that I wasn't just ignoring her. Yes, we had our differences, but for the most part, I was unresponsive to the emails because I was having a hard time with my own mental health.

Should have. She agreed to respect the boundary I'd set, but then unfollowed me here and sent a long paper letter instead--the furthest thing from what I'd requested. She then would only message in months-apart check-ins to see if I'd read the letter yet, growing increasingly aggravated when I had not. At one point, she explained that it was meant to reveal to me how much she'd accomplished, and how I was wrong about her, and also contained a poem she wanted me to read aloud to my household. The hysteric "What am I to you?" questions continued.

After deliberating, I explained why the letter and her related actions had upset me. She said that she'd unfollowed (without even trying to message at first) me because she suspected I wanted nothing to do with her. She then also insisted that she'd sent the letter before unfollowing, complained about how badly she missed the email routine, and went on a tirade about how unfair it was she was the only one reaching out, and how she'd done so much more for me, and so forth. It essentially devolved into overt gaslighting.

It was then that I calmly told her that I felt it was probably best for us to leave one another in peace. Those were my exact words. If we couldn't even agree on how to talk without an explosion of manufactured drama--if she couldn't be bothered to respect one simple ask without making herself out to be a victim of unfair treatment--then there was nothing left to say. She responded saying that she was even more afraid I wanted nothing to do with her--at this point, it had become true--and again demanding to know what she'd ever really been to me.

I had had enough. I blocked her.

Two days later, I got one last email from her, and a phone call with no message. (Or I certainly hope it's the last. Good grief.) In it, she reiterated her belief that she'd been the one pouring all the effort into our relationship, how this confirmed I was 'just like everyone else', and that she wasn't going to let herself be hurt by me anymore.

And...I've been feeling like complete garbage ever since. Not so much because I felt it was time to end that friendship--the descent into blatant gaslighting was all I needed to push the proverbial EJECT button--but I’m left questioning why I tend to attract that sort of person more than any other--selfish, histrionic, delusional. Making and maintaining friendships is difficult for me, so the question of how I might have done anything differently has to be asked. The simple answer, I believe, is that I should have just been open about my disagreements and our incompatibility much sooner. But even with more emotionally mature individuals, I do have an unfortunate track record of lapsing into silence unless spoken to when I'm overly stressed, and I know that can send the wrong message. I don't want to be that person who does nothing but use the other as a doormat for continual complaining and nothing but. I don't want to burden anyone the way this person burdened me.

That's the emotional backlash I always face when a friendship fails because of toxic behavior: Is it possible that this same toxicity lives in me too, and I'm just too myopic or self-righteous to see it? Is it possible that this is why being any kind of a social person is so challenging to me? I don't think so, but what if I'm wrong? What if I'm reading my own tone wrong? What if I'm measuring the content of my conversations with others in a way that minimizes exactly how much self-centered bitching I do? Do I come off as someone with a victim complex?

I find myself coming back to the damaging, impossibly mixed messaging around socializing I was raised with. If I share what's good or fun, that could be selfish because what if the other person is having a hard time? What if I'm just rubbing something in their face they can't have? If I what I share is sad and difficult, I may be overburdening them or dragging them down when they'd otherwise be doing just fine. Sometimes just talking at all feels invasive--that is, attempting to get to know or draw closer to another person makes me feel like I'm stealing something that doesn't belong to me. I was always told that it's rude to pry, and that if others really want to talk to me specifically, they will without prompt.

In sum, these 'rules' allow for zero proactive communication, suggesting that any such effort is doomed to be bothersome and thoughtless at best. Of course, I don't buy into them anymore, but that doesn't mean that they aren't engraved into my psyche in such a way that violating them still comes with a serious wallop of guilt.

And as folks with a history of emotional abuse go, there do tend to be extremes of embracing victimhood as an identity, low-key messiah complexes, and what have you. I absolutely am guilty of nursing one of those soft-core messiah complexes, I think. Unfortunately, this means that when someone comes along with no end of narcissistic self pity--that is, not just someone truly down on their luck-- it's an easy trap for me to fall into. I always see it as my role to fix things for people or to try save them from their troubles, or to be the one who listens and gives. I want to be useful and relied upon and a source of comfort, understanding, and peace, but then I want to act all surprised when I get used and stepped on time and again when I fail to be 100% honest about any frustrations or misgivings I might have. By the time I decide to set any real boundaries, it’s far too late to maneuver out from under unreasonable expectations without snuffing out the relationship altogether.

When someone with a baby savior complex clashes with another person who possesses a loud-and-proud victim mentality, I suppose it's bound to be a slow-moving train wreck.

Maybe I'm not like her, but I can't escape the fact that in many ways, I really did bring this upon myself...Again.

---

TL;DR: I asked for some minor changes in how I communicate with a friend because my stress level was so high that the idea of jumping off a local overpass wasn’t not bouncing around in my head. Her response? Act like a jilted lover, thinking only- “But what about me?” And I realized it’s been that way with her for a long time.

[megashadowdragon]

(cont.) 2. If anything, Ironwood erred toward compassion. He shouldn't have released/trusted RWBY, but he did. He didn't have to evacuate Mantle (infiltration risk) but he did. He could've declared martial law earlier, since he knew the city/Council was compromised (he didn't, and it cost him). He could've recalled important people to Atlas (eg Pietro) instead of letting them help Mantle (conservation of scarce resources). And as you said, he shouldn't have told people about Salem. (cont.)

itsclydebitches: 

I’m so sorry, anon, I seem to be missing part one here. I don’t know if I accidentally deleted it at some point or if tumblr just ate it :/

But under the general subject of “RWBY failed to give Ironwood a truly callous response to these circumstances and thus far there are no ‘good’ plans here,” I’ve honestly been surprised by the number of fans emphasizing how (supposedly) useless Ironwood’s plan is in the long run. I’ve read through long breakdowns about how even if they’re high enough to escape the grimm they’d be unable to sustain themselves and everyone would eventually starve. With the takeaway being, “Ironwood’s plan kills Atlas in the long run so he’s more heartless for abandoning Mantle than we originally thought, since that sacrifice won’t even save a portion of the population in the end.” However, ignoring that this is a massive conclusion based on RWBY’s incredibly flimsy world building (I don’t think we know enough about Atlas to prove one way or the other whether the city could live self-sufficiently up in the sky/for how long), these responses are missing the point. Ironwood is buying time. He’s retreating to regroup. Not to fight Salem then and there because, you know, immortality - a lot of fans are also insisting that a retreat is only a valid option if he turns around and re-enters this specific battle - but rather to fight her in the long term. Days, weeks, months, even years later. He’s trying to ensure that his top fighters, two relics, a Maiden, and at least a portion of his people are out of Salem’s reach so that they can find a more hopeful solution down the road. It doesn’t matter whether Ironwood could only keep the Atlesian people alive for a month, or a week, or just three days. The point is that those three days are more time to think and strategize than they currently have with Salem literally on their doorstep. I think that’s why we don’t see a more complicated plan like the one you’ve laid out above: that takes at least a bit of time to think through, conceptualize, and weigh against other options. Ironwood heard out of nowhere that Salem had appeared, while in the middle of three other emergencies (heat down, grimm attacking, Salem’s men on the loose) and had to come up with a plan in a matter of seconds. Obviously we, the viewers, will always be able to come up with something “better” with months of time to think it over, in the safety of our homes. But retreating would provide some of that much needed space/time for everyone to think. Retreating might encourage Salem to back off if she can no longer access what she came for. Retreating will allow the group to recover, regain their aura, prepare for another fight. If Atlas is truly safe up there maybe the relics can stay while the people head back down, keeping them continually out of Salem’s reach. Even if they’re not safe limiting the grimm army to just the flying grimm is already a boost. Maybe with even an hour of time where they’re not fighting for their lives someone could come up with a plan. It’s true that we don’t know for sure what would come of buying time, but no one is going to find out what possibilities might be made into reality if Ironwood isn’t allowed to try.

To simplify things with another wonky comparison, pretend some evil supernatural killer has broken into your home. They’re blocking access upstairs to where a bunch of your friends are and you have no way to reach them. If you try to attack this creature you die. If you try to sneak past it you die. No one has come up with a solution that allows everyone to make it out of the house alive and the chances of death aren’t just high, they’re nearly guaranteed. How do you fight a creature that just reforms every time you do damage? How do you defeat them and protect your friends? No one has figured out an answer. Ironwood is the one going, “The back door is open! It’s horrific that we can’t get the people upstairs but we need to go. Head into the wood where maybe this creature won’t be able to find us. If we escape we might be able to figure out a way to still save some of our friends before they all perish. If we escape we’re going to keep this Magical Relic safe that’s potentially the key to defeating this creature in the long run, saving the whole world. At the very least we’ll survive and isn’t that better than all of us perishing?”

Team RWBY are the ones insisting that the only heroic option is to charge the creature head on. We don’t leave friends behind. Noble, but a death sentence - and one that does damage to the overall war (it’s not just a personal self-sacrifice). They’re also locking the back door to make sure Ironwood and others who might want to escape have to stay and fight with them, all while knocking out four allies for trying to get them to stand down.

Meanwhile, a good portion of the fandom is going, “Ironwood wants to run into the woods? That’s absurd. You can’t survive in the woods! They’ll get lost. They’ll starve. There are other creatures out there that I’m sure would kill them even though we’ve never heard about such creatures before. This isn’t a good long-term option.”  

But it’s not meant to be a long-term option. It’s meant to be the one option that might a) keep them alive in the short term and b) allows them to come up with a plan. Any plan at this point. To still save some of Mantle. Or keep the relics safe. Or help ensure that the 1,000 year attempt to defeat Salem doesn’t end here and now. Something to make this situation a little less horrible.

That’s not coldblooded pragmatism. It’s common sense in the face of noble heroics. Team RWBY should be commended for their bravery and their devotion to the people of Mantle (even though they didn’t care about the people while stringing Ironwood along…), but that doesn’t mean what they’re doing is smart. They know about this war. They know that their decisions are so much bigger than themselves and the immediate problems in front of them. They know there’s a long-term to think about, but so far they haven’t demonstrated any willingness to take that into consideration. It wouldn’t be so bad if the story just framed this around their trauma - some in the group literally can’t leave people behind after the death of Pyrrha - but insisting that this is the only Good and Smart solution here doesn’t work.

whitleyschn33

I was literally just thinking about this after running into one of those "here's all the reasons leaving Mantle means Atlas will die in the long run" posts. What those people don't seem to get is that with the only other plan on the table - stay and fight - there is no long term because in universe as of the finale, staying and fighting is a death sentence.

At least there is a long term to consider with Ironwood's plan. There will be time to regroup, recover, minimize the amount of combatants being faced, and take the time to come up with a new plan. Because yeah - odds are they can't stay up there forever. But they don't have to. They need to get out of reach to buy time for a better plan. Staying and fighting means game over - everyone dies, Salem gets two Relics and a Maiden, and the majority of the people that are in the loop about her threat are gone.

Is having to leave people behind tragic? Yes - but I think choosing to sit and let everyone die and let Salem get what she wants when there is a chance you can save some of them - maybe even most of them, depending on how much of Mantle has evacuated - and prevent her from being halfway to her goal of essentially killing the entire world is worse. I wouldn't sleep easy, but if I was in that office, I know who I'd be siding with - the guy that has a chance to save Atlas, part of Mantle, and the Relics, vs the girls that have proven to be liars and are advocating for an option that's essentially a suicide mission.

[echodrops]

Kicking the Hornet’s Nest...

I’m procrastinating hard on other tasks, but in chit-chatting (both on tumblr and on Discord) about my stance on criticism of fanfiction, I realized that there’s a very low-hanging analogy I can make to explain my thoughts on this, so…

Uh first, please remember this is my personal blog and just my personal opinion. If you think that giving unsolicited concrit is the worst, I promise I’m not here to grab you individually, shake you by the shoulders, and try to change your minds. We can agree to disagree; I’m fully aware my opinion is unpopular on tumblr but also fully aware of the irony of people giving unsolicited criticism on a post about why unsolicited criticism is a good thing.

And second, please note that the analogy used below is only an analogy and not meant to be a one-to-one comparison–obviously the issue of vaccination is a far more critical, serious, and solemn issue and the topic of criticism on fanfiction (of all things) is not equal to a global health crisis that has cost real people’s lives. I’m drawing radical comparisons to thought processes because it’s shocking, not genuinely comparing fanfiction comments to moral and ethical world health decisions because I think those two things are equitable in importance.

Uh and third, please don’t respond unless you’re going to read it all. I'm happy to take your constructive criticism after you're finished with the whole thing. I get so tired of people rushing to my inbox after only getting half way through my arguments–90% of the time, I already addressed the thing you wanted to come yell at me about and you just didn’t make it there, promise.

So, at the risk of pissing off just about everyone who thought they respected me before this:

The current anti-concrit mindset stems from a similar logic to the one used by anti-vaxxers.

(This analogy lasts a grand total of five paragraphs or something, don’t get your jimmies too rustled.)

Most people on tumblr are happy–downright gleeful–to mock anti-vaxxers. The average anti-vaxxer is considered close-minded, self-centered, and under-educated. Although the issue of anti-vaxxing is probably more complicated than we paint it here on this website (to be fair, I wouldn’t know if it’s more complicated, since I agree that anti-vaxxers are generally stupid and don’t look into their arguments very often), almost no one on tumblr has any issue with anti-vaxxers being dragged up and down the block for their bad choices.

Usually, the logic of anti-vaxxers is understood to work something like this:

Anti-vaxxer: I don’t want to expose my child to something potentially harmful, so I am not going to vaccinate them.

Literally everyone else: You’re exposing your child to far greater risk in the long-term by not vaccinating.

Or:

Anti-vaxxer: My child doesn’t need to be vaccinated; they’re fine as they are. Those diseases aren’t a big deal anymore.

Literally everyone else: This mindset will make those diseases a big deal again.

On paper, sometimes anti-vaxxer logic works out–it is true that some children suffer very painful and awful reactions to vaccinations. It IS true that poorly made or contaminated vaccinations have killed children and will continue to do in the future. It IS true that vaccinations are painful and stressful for children in general and can even–depending on how the children respond to pain and how their doctors/nurses treat them–result in long-term phobias and health care aversion. There can be serious lasting consequences from vaccinating.

But most of us laugh in the face of anti-vaxxers. Why? Because we know that in comparison to the number of benefits, the risks are minimal. In the long-term, the number of people helped by vaccines far, far exceeds the number of people hurt.

I hope you can see where I’m going. At its core, the issue of giving unsolicited constructive criticism follows a similar pattern of short-term risk aversion. Authors who don’t want constructive criticism and choose to actively refuse it are following a similar thought process to anti-vaxxer parents:

Author: I don’t want any constructive criticism. Criticism can be painful, and my writing doesn’t need to be exposed to that.

Or:

Author: I don’t need any constructive criticism because my writing is fine as it is and I’m just doing it for fun anyway.

The general attitude seems to be that exposing fanfiction authors to unsolicited constructive criticism carries more risk than it does reward. And please be aware that I’m talking about genuinely constructive criticism here, well-intentioned and polite comments (the vaccine in this analogy), not troll comments deliberately designed to hurt people’s feelings (which would be equivalent to say, an injected contaminated drug in this analogy–no one should be okay with those).

But like anti-vaxxers who insist that the short-term risks of vaccines are more dangerous than the long-term risks of major diseases… is there really any evidence that genuinely constructive criticism, even when unsolicited, really does discourage and upset a large number of fanfiction authors? Or, more to the point of the analogy–is the number of people who would be entirely discouraged from writing ever again by some constructive criticism really greater than the number of people who would benefit from getting some (again, polite) tips for improving their writing? Which is the greater risk–being hurt in the short-term or losing out on the opportunity for growth in the long-term?

Clearly there are different opinions on this and I suspect that my opinion is heavily colored by the fact that I am older than the average tumblr user and therefore have many more years to look back on to weigh on the scales of this debate.

But I will always, always argue that the long-term benefits of helping other writers where you can far, far, far outweigh the short-term risks, for a couple reasons.

1) The world is a shitty, disappointing, stressful, and painful place. We encounter harsh criticisms every single day. Your teachers will give you poor grades. Your bosses will tell you your work isn’t up-to-par. Your friends will tell you the new top you bought and absolutely love… actually makes you look like you’re wearing a potato sack. If you’re into relationships, you’ll probably experience at least one break-up in which you hear that it’s YOU, not them, who is the problem. Your feelings will be hurt by callous comments from others an uncountable number of times. Your confidence will be shaken, if not actively crushed. I’m sorry to say it, but for almost all of us, having some miserable, anxiety-inducing and extremely discouraging moments in life is part of the unavoidable human experience. (And this is doubly, maybe triply true when we are starting out new hobbies or first entering a new field. Anyone who has ever tried to learn how to skateboard and gotten laughed at by experienced skateboarders knows exactly what I’m talking about.)

The world is full of truly awful things. And I’m not the kind of person who thinks we should just be exposed to all of them right from the get-go and fuck you and your snowflake feelings or things like that. I highly urge people to tag for triggering content and am on the record again and again telling people to block characters or ships that make them uncomfortable.

But many fanfiction authors are young authors, some of whom are posting work for public consumption for the very first time. Still more have no positive experiences with constructive criticism in the first place, and the extent of their literary criticism knowledge comes from really awful and boring high school English classes. When budding writers encounter a sudden explosion of access to readers–from having maybe one or two friends read their work to suddenly having their words in front of the eyes of thousands of strangers on the internet:

It’s disingenuous to give starting writers nothing but positive feedback. Only hearing positives about your work actively discourages change and self-reflection. It gives writers an unrealistic picture of their work that can result in far more serious disappointment and embarrassment later. When someone is awful at singing and they’re only told how nice their voice is, eventually when they sing for a more serious group of strangers, they’re going to be in for a very, very miserable time.

It’s a terrible missed opportunity for young writers to get a glimpse of what “professional” writing is like. Everyone benefits from genuinely constructive criticism–both the person getting it and the person giving it. We create young writers who are passionate about improving their writing by inducting them into the culture of planning, drafting, bouncing ideas off each other, finding beta readers, and taking others’ advice to grow their abilities, and oftentimes, one of the first experiences a person has with that process is someone spontaneously going “Hey, what if you tried this instead?” People often become inspired to become doctors and nurses after witnessing a family member experience a medical crisis–people often become inspired to become writers after receiving thorough feedback on things they have written. It’s impossible to really know whether or not you want a piece of constructive criticism until after you have heard what the criticism is, and adopting a “no unsolicited constructive criticism” policy as a whole creates an entire generation of fan writers who would miss out on opportunities for growth and inspiration.

This is waxing REALLY philosophical, but bear with me here, because this is also a well-documented concern of mine: we are entering an age in which people are no longer responsible for the media choices they make, where the internet is no longer viewed as a the equivalent of yelling into a crowd of (potentially dangerous) strangers, and the onus for protection is shifting away from self-preservation “I need to not put myself near upsetting things” to “other people have the responsibility not to expose me to upsetting things.” I’ve seen a lot of people say “If authors want constructive criticism on their fics, they can just say that in a note!” My ladies. My guys. My non-binary buddies. This is the utter opposite of how the internet functions. When you put anything on the internet, you are literally putting it before a crowd of an absolutely uncountable number of strangers and there are no rules (barring the laws of their home countries) dictating how they can respond to the things you put out there. Posting your writing on the internet is explicit consent to receive constructive criticism from anyone at any time unless you take actions to prevent that in advance. Sites like AO3 actively grant you the power to dictate who can SEE your work, comment on your work, give you the power to remove messages, screen comments before they appear, block comments entirely, or simply write in any of your notes sections that you do not want constructive criticism. (If it’s that easy to write “I want constructive criticism!” why is not seen as equally easy to write “I do not want constructive criticism!”?)

Public spaces on the internet are opt out, not opt in.

Why do many (though lord knows, not all) tumblr users easily agree to the idea of “If you don’t like a ship, you should just block it” or “If you see properly tagged content you don’t like on AO3 and you click it, that’s your own fault for not reading the tags,” but have the complete opposite mindset when it comes to constructive criticism? “I’m submitting my work in a public place where anyone can express their opinion on it… But even though there are multiple tools at my disposal for discouraging and blocking opinions I don’t agree with, it’s actually other people’s responsibility not to say anything that might upset me.”

As I said, waxing philosophical here, but this is kind of a scary mindset. The ability to enter a public space–and the internet is the MOST public space in the world–and then declare that you simply don’t want to listen to dissenting opinions is scary. I mean, this is how we get a common anti-vaxxer mindset–I don’t want to listen to your opinion because I have my source telling me I’m right and that’s all I need. “I put my work out in a public place and left it accessible to everyone, but I don’t want to listen to what everyone says about it.” I don’t mean to jump off the slippery slope, but this issue is a slippery slope in and of itself. Down this way lies a dark future. “It’s other people’s responsibility to curate my social experience for me.”

But really, after all this… I just flat out think it’s important to give genuinely constructive criticism to each other without people needing to ask for it because it just kind of sucks to see a fellow writer struggling with something and not say something about it. It’s not about feeling superior or thinking you know better than someone else; we all have our own strengths and weaknesses, and spotting something that could use a bit of work in someone else’s writing doesn’t make you a better writer, it just means that’s not your particular weakness. When someone is struggling to learn to swim, you don’t just leave them to their own devices and assume they’ll figure it out–even if they swear they’ve got it. When someone is learning to sew and you, who has sewed that exact thing before, don’t offer any advice, that’s not encouragement, it’s apathy. There will be many, many, many times in your life where you did not know you needed advice. Where you did not know HOW to ask for advice. Where you might have known you needed advice but not really wanted to admit that. Where you might have known you needed advice and been too shy to ask for help. Where a piece of advice completely from the blue changes the course of your life. Fandom as a whole–fan creators as a whole–cannot become a culture that closes the door to that vital form of communication, rejects willingness to not only uplift but also help each other grow even when we least expect it.

Anyway, I’m literally just writing this to avoid real responsibilities, but the point I’m trying to make is:

Most writers, even very young writers, will not be discouraged by polite, well-intentioned criticism. They may not like it. They may not take any of the criticism to heart, but most people, even young people, are far more resilient than tumblr (which on the best of days is a negative feedback loop that can romanticize a victim mindset because having the saddest backstory makes you immune to cancellation) wants to give them credit for, and a vast majority of writers will not be traumatized or scared away from writing by people trying to offer them genuine advice. Remember, no one here is advocating for asshole trolls who post comments like “Your writing sucks and you should delete your account.” A majority of writers, even very young writers, will be able to weather the storms and tosses of even really rudely-worded advice and recover. Sometimes it might take a while, but human beings have survived as a species because we’re really, really persevering.

(But some people aren’t! you might say. Some people really will give up writing if they’re criticized! And you’d be correct. There are people who will give up, even if all they are faced with is a single gentle, well-intentioned piece of criticism. But the truth is… People give up on hobbies for all kinds of reasons! Not every hobby is for every person! Every hobby carries with it its own challenges, its own share of risks, and its own pains. Learning a new hobby consistently requires putting yourself out of your comfort zone. Wanna learn how to ride a snowboard? You will get bruised. Wanna learn how to play chess? You will lose. Wanna learn to draw? Someone will make fun of your early drawings. You will make fun of your own early drawings. Wanna post your writing on a public platform? Someday, someone is going to say they’re not a fan.

And that leads me to address the point that just keeps coming up and coming up in this issue: People aren’t always posting their fics to improve as writers! A lot of times people are posting for just fun or for personal reasons.

Yeahhhhh bullshit. No, no, hang on–I don’t mean that people don’t have fun writing and posting fics, or that fics can’t help you through traumatic experiences because everything I’ve ever posted is basically me dealing with my own personal shit–what I mean is that there’s always an additional dimension to posting your fics on large-scale public websites. People write stories and share them with their friend groups for fun. People write characters overcoming trauma and share them with their therapists (or the friends who help to fill that role) for healing. People post their stories publicly, where anyone can respond, for validation on top of their fun and healing. There are ways to hide your fics entirely on many sites. You can leave things in drafts. If a fic is appearing as unmoderated and open to the public on a major fic site such as AO3, Wattpad, ff.net, etc., it’s because that fic’s author wants responses from others! They want views. They want subscribes. They want kudos. They want comments. There’s literally no reason to post publicly except for your work to be viewed by the public.

The fun one has writing a fic is often tied directly to the thrill of seeing a comment or kudos notification pop-up in your inbox. We love seeing people enjoy our fics–it absolutely makes my day when someone sends me a message telling me they re-read my fic for the third time.

It’s NOT fun to write something and get no response.

Writing something and getting no response is actively discouraging, actually.

So whenever someone says “They’re not writing fics to improve as writers; they’re just doing it for fun!” I have to laugh a bit–because when the concept of “fun with fanfiction” is tied so closely to the experience of having your work viewed and enjoyed by others, the fastest and surest way to increase the fun you have with your fanfics… is to improve as a writer. The more you write, the more you improve. The more you improve, the more loyal readers you gain. The more loyal readers you gain, the more excited people you have to gush about your fics with. Want a Discord server full of people willing to help you brainstorm ideas for your favorite AU? Write well, attract followers. Want fanart of your writing, probably the most fun and exciting thing I can think of as an author? Write well. Just plain old want more friends in the fandom to talk about your favorite characters and fic ideas with? Make writer friends.

People have fun writing about their favorite characters and post publicly to receive responses and validation for their creations… Responses increase the fun writers have because they make the hard work of writing worth it and give you people to keep writing for and with… Improving your writing increases the number of people attracted to your works and the number of people willing to spend time responding to them… The bigger the response you get, the more invested you become in your fics, the more fandom friends you make, and the more you want to write–it’s a process that is self-fulfilling, but also one that exposes you to criticism by its very nature. The very act of seeking responses from readers means that you’re open to responses that you don’t necessarily want to hear.

And I actually don’t mean this in the way of “If you can’t handle the heat, don’t jump into the fire.” What I mean is that it is impossible to create a world in which everyone who starts writing sticks with the hobby and keeps churning out works for us to enjoy forever. It is impossible to create a world in which no young writer will ever feel discouraged and give up. The writer you decided not to give constructive criticism to might just as easily become discouraged and quit writing because they didn’t receive enough response.

The first time you give your child a new vaccine, you cannot predict the results. Your child might suffer an allergic reaction. They might die. Every year, numerous severe reactions to vaccines do occur. But the majority of people don’t question the effectiveness of vaccines because we understand that the number of people who have severe reactions is very low in comparison to the number of people who benefit from the vaccine. The number of people who will be discouraged from writing by genuine, polite, constructive criticism is minuscule in comparison to the number of people who will either 1) benefit from it directly and be thankful you gave it, 2) not benefit but not be upset by it, 3) be mildly upset by it but then benefit, or 4) just be mildly upset by itself and then move on with life unharmed because sometimes people say things we don’t like but that doesn’t ruin our lives every single time it happens.

I’m not saying that providing polite constructive criticism doesn’t have risks, just that its risks are smaller than its benefits.

And I’ve successfully whittled enough time away with this now that I can go to sleep without guilt over the things I didn’t finish, but I started this by saying the long-term benefits outweighed the short-term risks and I feel obligated to defend that…

The long-term benefits of well-placed constructive criticism are enormous. Sometimes people need ego checks. Sometimes we need wake-up calls. Sometimes we need a gentle helping hand and didn’t even realize other people could be the help we needed. Sometimes we need a reason to get fired up–even if that reason is spite, trying to prove a critic wrong! Sometimes the answer is glaring us in the face and we don’t notice until someone else points it out. Sometimes we just plain out make mistakes. Sometimes we need a teacher because the ones in school let us down. Sometimes (oftentimes) other people bring incredibly unique perspectives to our stories that we would never have been open to on our own. Sometimes we write something unintentionally hurtful and need some gentle correction. Sometimes we could be having a lot more fun if we knew the tips and tricks others had to offer. Sometimes improving ourselves is hard but worth it. Sometimes bitter medicine is the only thing that will cure an ailment.

Shots hurt. People avoid them because they aren’t fun–what parent wants to expose their child to the painful, stressful situation of getting stabbed with needles? (What parent looks forward to the yearly flu shot themselves?)

We naturally flinch back from criticism. There are many times when we swear we don’t want it, don’t need it, can’t bear it! In the moment, it is incredibly difficult to be confronted with someone basically implying that you should change something integral to yourself–your art. No one likes to feel like they’re being picked apart for weaknesses, definitely not.

But sometimes a single comment can make a massive difference in your life–even when you didn’t want it at first.

All my life, I have been helped along by teachers, family, and friends who refused to settle for patting me on the back. The people who mean the most to me, who I most credit with getting me where I am today, are not the people who just told me I was good at things. They’re the people who told me I was good at things BUT. They people who challenged me to not just sail through life or even coast in my hobbies, content with the level I entered on–they’re the people who had faith in me and trust that I could refine my skills, could have even more fun IF I took that next step, challenged myself to go a bit harder… They’re the people who took the time not just to skim over my writing and slap a thumbs up on it, but the people who thought hard enough about it go: “This story was good, but have you thought about…”

Today, I’m a professor of English because I started writing fanfiction when I was 11 years old. Because I started posting fanfiction when I was 13. Because at 14 years old, someone–without being asked–taught me the correct way to format dialogue and how to strengthen my dialogue tags. Because at 15, someone flat out laughed to tears at a cliche metaphor I’d extended too far and I was ashamed, but they taught me something else to try instead. Because by 18, I’d received–and taken–enough unsolicited writing advice to land myself the highest paying on-campus tutoring job my university offered. Because by 19, someone challenged me to write something I told them was impossible for me. Because by 20, that impossible writing became the sample that got me accepted to grad school. Because by 21, I was furious enough at the criticism I received from my creative writing masters classmates to write a thesis so feverishly overwhelming that it inspired one of the foremost postmodern poets in the country. Because by 27, it was brutally honest criticism that gave me the gall to finally leave an abusive job and apply for a teaching position. Because by 30, I got to sit at a public literary journal volume launch and watch an entire class of my creative writing students become published authors.

And even though I joked about why I was writing this, and even though I’m really not, at the heart of it, trying to persuade any one person over to my side, I hope it’s clear how much of a labor of love this post is. How passionate I am about this topic.

This whole thing is a drawn-out plea: Please, do not let fandom creation sites become a place where no one offers advice unless it is begged for. Do not miss your chance to help someone else improve. Do not close the door to criticism that could change your life. Do not let fear of short-term discouragement prevent you from seeking long-term growth. Do not let the immediate side effects cloud your view of the global benefits.

Inoculate yourselves with good advice as a shield against the very hard future.

A dearth of criticism will not make fandom a better place. It will just make it a quieter one.

[ziezie13]

Feeling Touch Starved

These last few weeks I have been feeling desperately, hopelessly touch starved which is not a new feeling for me but I have never felt it to this degree. Normally I can more or less cope, but for some reason, in this age of social distancing, seven months into quarantine I am overwhelmed with this need for physical touch. My sleep schedule is completely wrecked and I don’t want to anything even though I am not depressed. I thought it was hormones at first, but I have felt this way for weeks now and it has become clear it is defiantly touch starvation. So today I did what I do best: research. I figured I would share what I found here in case someone else finds this helpful. Maybe sometime in the future I will create a graphic summarizing the important stuff, but if you want to skip all the boring background stuff you can find the coping strategies I discovered at the bottom. 

What Does It Mean to Be Touch Starved?

People are meant to touch each other. It is part of our programing. When we don’t get that physical connection we need, we become touch starved. Of course, each person is unique and have different limits in terms of how much physical touch we need but the underlying need remains the same.

“When someone is [touch] starved, it’s like someone who is starved for food. They want to eat, but they can’t. Their psyche and their body want to touch someone, but they can’t do it because of… fear. Whether that is a fear of breaking cultural norms, personal anxiety, or spreading COVID-19.” 

- Dr. Asim Shad, professor and executive vice chair of the Menninger Department of Psychiatry at Baylor College of Medicine

Touch starvation doesn’t not only apply to intimate or sensual touch but encompasses all forms of tactile interaction: handshakes, friendly hugs, pats on the back, etc.

Touch starvation is pervasive around the world, but it is more common in countries and cultures that are touch averse, such as the United States. Growing up in this culture, my brain has come to associate nearly every form of physical contact as sexual, even when I know this is not true. This is a big problem for me, being asexual. I catch myself wanting to initiate physical contact with my friends but I never do. Instead I sit there just thinking about it. I know it wouldn’t be a sexual touch, but do they know that? Would they think I am weird? Would it make them uncomfortable? And so on and so forth. I can never seem to break through this wall.

Why is touch important?

Skin-to-skin contact is vital for not only mental and emotional health, but physical health, too.

When you feel overwhelmed or pressured, the body releases the stress hormone cortisol. Cortisol triggers the body’s “flight-or-fight” response, which can increase heart rate, blood pressure, respiration and muscle tension, and can suppress the digestive system and immune system. Every single physical disease including heart attack, diabetes, hypertension, asthma is affected by anxiety, stress, depression, or other mental health issues. One of the best ways to counteract these affects is skin-to-skin contact.

Touch stimulates pressure receptors in the skin that transport signals to the vagus nerve. The vagus nerve is the longest nerve in the body, and is connected with the parasympathetic nervous system. It touches every major organ, and helps you rest and digest. Stimulating the vagus nerve sends signals to slow the pace of the nervous system there-by reducing stress.

In addition to the vagus nerve, scientists have found that nerve endings in the skin, known as C-tactile afferents, exists to recognize any form of gentle touch. Stimulating these nerves results in an immediate release of oxytocin. Oxytocin increases positive, feel-good sensations of trust, emotional bonding and social connection, while simultaneously decreasing fear and anxiety responses in the brain. For this reason, oxytocin is affectionately known as the “cuddle hormone.”

How do you know if you’re touch starved?

There’s no definitive way to know if you are touch starved. But pay attrition to what your mind and your body are telling you. This is in no way a comprehensive list, but signs to look out for include:

feelings of depression

feelings of loneliness or exclusion

anxiety

stress

irritability or aggression

issues with body image

low relationship satisfaction

difficulty sleeping

a tendency to avoid secure attachments

I realized that I was touch starved when I saw a couple posts about it on Tumblr and then it hit me like a ton of bricks. In the past when I have spent time with my friends, I have found my mind wandering to thoughts of what it would be like to reach out and touch them: to hold their hand, to hug them, to lean on them, to play with their hair, etc. But I have always been afraid to act on these impulses. When I get my hair cut or have a massage I relish in the sensation of physical touch, because I am not getting it from anywhere else. I have never realized until now that physical touch is something that I have been missing in my life. But reflecting now, it is really obvious and is probably contributing to my issues of stress and anxiety.

What if you don’t particularly like being touched — can you still be touch starved?

YES! Absolutely.

Touch is an intimate thing and it is something we link closely to trust. For a lot of people, it is difficult to initiate physical connection for various reasons. It can be hard to determine what level of touch is appropriate i.e. should you go for a hug or a handshake. People on the neurodiverse or asexual spectrums are also often uncomfortable with touching. People’s comfort level with touch varies with their personality as well as their background. Statistically, people who grew up with touchy-feely families or cultures are going to be more comfortable with physical connection. Touch deprivation can actually create a self-reinforcing cycle where we feel alienated from others and therefore begin to shy away from social contact.  

However, just because someone doesn’t like being touched under normal circumstances doesn’t mean that they can’t find themselves touch starved. In a general sense I don’t like being touched. On several occasions I have found myself physically cringing away from other people’s touch, even when it is not sexual or inappropriate. I think that a part of this can be attributed to the fact that I am asexual, but I also think that the culture I was raised in and my own personality contribute to this as well. I am an introverted person; I never initiate physical contact and yet I crave it in my day-to-day life. For me I need to reach a certain level of comfort with someone before thoughts of physical contact come into my head. My comfort level also varies from day-to-day and with my mood.

So now that I know what the problem is, how can I fix it?

In case you weren’t aware physical contact is not recommended at this time due to the fact that there is an international pandemic. So, while nothing can wholly replace the benefits of positive human touch, I have uncovered a few coping strategies:

Video chatting

video chatting is, reportedly, about 80 percent as effective as in-person contact at releasing those feel-good chemicals

Physical exercise such as yoga or dance

exercise has proven an effective way to increase the release of oxytocin in the brain – dancing can also increase dopamine levels

Singing

singing is another way to get that oxytocin fix

Taking long, hot baths and showers

hot water relieves muscle tension, puts you in a better mood, and minimizes cold and flu symptoms

Petting an animal

spending some time with your favorite four-legged friend cuts down on feelings of loneliness and depression

Using a weighted blanket

weighted blankets offer deep pressure stimulation which helps relax the nervous system - they’re great for calming anxiety, too, because the weight of the blanket helps release those feel-good chemicals

Using a warm blanket

just like swaddling a baby a warm blanket can invoke feelings of security and comfort helping to calm your nerves

Sleeping with a body pillow

a body pillow mimics what it feels like to hug or cuddle with another person and sleeping with one can help to reduce stress and aid the body in releasing oxytocin – as a bonus body pillows can create a more comfortable sleep by supporting the back and shoulders

Listening to ASMR

certain sounds, such as whispering or brushing hair, can invoke sense memories and stimulate the part of the brain associated with touch and connection

In addition to these strategies there are also several self-soothing techniques you can use to help with feeling touch starved:

Forearm stroke

Remove any bracelets, rings, watches, etc. Put your right arm next to your body and turn your right palm up, fingers together. Bring your arm up until your forearm and upper arm are at a 45-degree angle. Take your left hand and touch the fingertips of your right hand. Slowly and gently run your fingertips down your left fingers, palm, wrist and inside of the forearm, stopping at the inner elbow. Repeat 10 times.

Adult swaddling

Get out a blanket and put the long edge behind your neck. Drape the blanket over your shoulders. Gather a good handful of the blanket in each hand until you feel it tightening around your shoulders, and then cross your arms to pull it tighter around your upper arms and back. Hold for 30-60 seconds, and breathe.

Self-massage

Lie on your bed on your back naked, with a towel underneath you. Take a bit of lotion, cream, or oil in your left hand, and begin applying it in long, slow strokes to your right arm. Allow your hand to glide over the surface of your skin instead of focusing on absorption. Move on to your chest and torso, starting from your chin and your neck, using the same long strokes. Switch hands, and have the right hand do the left arm, and then do your legs and your feet. Start with five minutes and work your way up to 10 minutes.

Skin stimulation

Take a long-handled, soft-bristle brush and firmly run it back and forth across your arms, legs, torso, back, sides and chest prior to going to bed. The stimulation to your skin can help you sleep better. You can also do something similar for your scalp by brushing your hair 100 times.

Vagus nerve stimulation

You can stimulate the vagus nerve from the outside of the body by stroking the sides of your neck. Start behind your earlobe, and move your fingers down to your collarbone. Repeat until you feel your breath deepen, jaw relax and your mouth falls open a bit. You can also stimulate the vagus nerve by massaging or rubbing your feet.

Pressure points

Using your index finger and thumb, press the web of your other hand for five seconds. This relieves tension in your shoulders, and using your index finger or thumb and firmly rubbing on the temple of your face in a circular motion will relieve sinus pain and help you feel relaxed.

Sense memory

Close your eyes, and recall an amazing hug you received. It could be from a parent, relative, or child, a stranger, friend, or lover. Zero in on the details: what color was their shirt? Did they smell like onions because you just finished eating sub sandwiches? Where were you? Once you have the details, shift your attention to your body, and focus on what this hug felt like. Allow yourself to linger on the feeling of being safe, loved, cared for, and seen by another person.

EFT tapping

Emotional freedom technique (EFT) is an alternative treatment for physical pain and emotional distress. It’s also referred to as tapping or psychological acupressure. People who use this technique believe tapping the body can create a balance in your energy system and treat pain. Though still being researched, EFT tapping has been used to treat people with anxiety and people with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

I found this video that will guide you through the whole process (the meditation starts at 4:30 and lasts about 15 minutes - she also does a shorter meditation starting at 26:20 that lasts about 4 minuets): https://tappingdetective.com/videos

Sources:

https://www.healthline.com/health/touch-starved#definition

https://www.tmc.edu/news/2020/05/touch-starvation/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/6-ways-to-self-soothe-when-starved-for-touch/

https://www.thegoodtrade.com/features/managing-touch-deprivation

https://zora.medium.com/how-i-am-dealing-with-touch-starvation-829d7c091e8b

https://www.healthline.com/health/eft-tapping#:~:text=Emotional%20freedom%20technique%20(EFT)%20is,energy%20system%20and%20treat%20pain.

[tarot-mystic]

Tarot Reading for my Boyfriend

I recently did a tarot spread on my boyfriend at his request, and he said he was okay with me sharing it here on Tumblr. The spread he wanted was the Managing Your Life spread by Emerald Lotus Divination. If you’d like to use this spread for yourself, you can visit here. 

Position 1 - What Should You Prioritize This Week

The 9 of Swords came out, along with the 2 of Swords. I drew a second card for each as a couple cards threw me for a loop, and I needed clarity. These two cards talk about being indecisive, and negative thought patterns that crop up from that. You’re being pulled in different directions, and feel overwhelmed by what you have to handle. The 9′s represent endings, letting things go, and the 2′s talk about connecting, and collaborating, whether with others, or your higher self. Step back, slow down, so you can connect to your spirit once again, it will help to clear your mind. 

Position 2 - How Can You Better Organize Your Time

We pulled The Fool in Reversed and the 2 of Wands. So perhaps you’ve been hanging by the seat of your pants for a while, not really planning, letting things happen as they come, and going with the flow. However, with more responsibilities in your life coming up, it feels more important than ever to plan time for whatever it is that you need to do. Keep your eye on the big picture. It may seem daunting, but once you begin to plan and visualize your days, and what your ideal routines look like, you will begin to take steps to that reality. 

Position 3 - What is a Way for You to be Productive Without Feeling Overwhelmed

 The Wheel of Fortune tells us that it is coming, and we can either fight it or go along with it. But going with the flow will make this easier. You feel responsibilities piling up, but if you can’t plan ahead, it will feel overwhelming, and when you do finally do it, it will seem harder. Be open to the change. The 9 of Pentacles reversed asks you to be sure not to spend all your time working, and devote some time to yourself. Plan some time to rest, and do what recharges you. “Treat yo Self” 

Position 4 - How Can You Incorporate Doing More of What You Love

The Knight of Swords in Reverse asks you to slow down and evaluate what  is important to you. Maybe you have so many interests and when you do try and settle down, you hop from one thing to another without feeling satisfied. Go within and really evaluate what is important to you, and prioritize, what can you do now? Slowing down to meditate and get in the present moment will help you see what really matters to you, and what drives you. 

Position 5 - Something New You Could Try to Promote Self-Love

Investing in yourself, something new you haven’t done before! Working out, meditation, going on a hike, etc. You may not want to do this, you may feel anxious about this, and that it’s going to disrupt your life in some way. On top of this, we also need to show ourselves love from time to time, otherwise our life may seem like a bunch of tower moments. If you can’t love yourself, you can’t love others. This can apply to your life as well. Find something sacred that you love doing for yourself, where you can spend quality time with yourself to show appreciation.

Shadow Cards

The core of this reading is revolving around you learning the ropes of something new, and knowing that there is so much more to be found. Maybe you’ve been feeling you don’t have a solid foundation, and learning this without having a proper plan feels overwhelming. Take time to build the structures in your life, so you can go through this change with minimal issue. You are creative, and the path you’re on sparks your creativity. You may feel like you haven’t been this inspired in a long time. Take that to heart, and use it to motivate you to better manager the day-to-day, so you have time to enjoy yourself and your life without worry.

If you’d like a reading, I am doing free readings at the moment to get practice. You can message me on here, and let me know your question, and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible.

[chaotic-undying-loki]

I really hate aggressive, hateful, bullying, and petty fans in fandoms. Tldr, can't edit, on phone but feeling my annoyance hard

SPOILERS AHEAD FOR THE RISE OF SKYWALKER

Also, kinda long, feel free to scroll past, I'm just dealing with the stress of negative fans toxifying fandoms, on either side. Also if you don't like negative critiques of Kylo, feel free to scroll.

(on phone, can't cut it off, sorry for length, or typos)

Often there's two sides, half the time those two sides are ship-focused, though not always, it can be character focused or narrative focused. And I try to be, and mostly am, reasonable, patient, and respectful of people's opinions.

Sometimes my opinions might sound as if they're judgmental if a character, but I do my best to deliver my opinion honestly but without it seeming aggressive. Sometimes I might even with-hold an opinion to not offend or start a fight (I hate TR now, but have friends who love it, that I rp with, so I keep most opinions to myself and try to stay respectful when, if ever, I share my opinion).

I don't like people, on either side, ie that share my opinion or stand with the opposite (over a ship, character, it any content), who will attack in any way, shape or form; calling people idiots, generalizing in misogynistic/sexist/racist/or any other close minded fashion that is often in accurate and or offensive, and just belittling someone who just happens to have a different opinion (sometimes in a respectful fashion, sometimes aggressive).

I've been through so many fandoms with such arguments over character morality, character treatment, how a character translates into an example of toxic real life people or not, if so and so should be together or single or with that other character. I've had my aggressive days, fewer than others, but I'll admit to my doing. But it's not worth attacking and I'm constantly working towards bring better, expressing my opinions and views freely without arguing and attacking.

But I also I'm beginning to learn to stick to that fandom advice/fact of "you can like things, and not support all the bad; you can be interested in a character and not have to feel guilty or feel you have to defend every part of them. Fandom isn't black and white, and it shouldn't always be a responsibility" (not to say you shouldn't be aware of how things can be offensive or harmful, but not Quit Culture just because you feel guilty).

All this leads me to stating that I'm sitting here, trying to figure my opinions of a character without ignoring all the realities of their good nor their bad, and worrying I'd offend friends by having a positive opinion or negative opinion, and in trying to scan tags I'm Tumblr, certain fandom members are making me feel fucking disgusted.

So, I'm gonna say, I have a complicated opinion of Kylo Ren/Ben Solo from the recent Star Wars trilogy. I'll list it like this, a 1st watch and Reflection phase of each movie.

TFA; 1st Watch,--love the actor, so only minimally biased. But I liked the conflicting factor of who he was, where he came from, where he could go. Reflection-- after a while, the appeal half wore off, and given the hidden/limited backstory to his fall, half the fandom assumed he was influenced and wronged with no choice, or that he was deeply loved and cared for kid that turned his back on so much light for the legacy of a grandfather that he should have known wasn't all that Darkness he was trying to become and so he becomes a killer and leaves his family behind, for bullshit.

TLJ; 1st Watch--clearly struggling and growing in his desires and conflicts, may or may not have done fucked up shit to his fellow students and just continues to be a raging lil whatever, and then we have the Rey connection which, albeit out of his control, seems to come off stalky and invasive and forced. Just, very angry, little change other than expressing he's conflicted and masking it with further rage and aggression. Reflection--basically felt the same afterwards. But from here on out, I hear fro others or notice myself that he seemed to fit the tormented but actually spoiled an whiny, angry nice guy archetype, bordering on tyrant student if not actually so. My opinion was lowered, I didn't try to analyze like I do Loki, for fear I'd get sympathetic for a character who's too morally fucked for it to be okay.

TRoS; 1st Watch--confliction grows, he seems like an angry, lost robot, alone, just trying to regain control in whatever fashion he can, trying to stay on top, find answers. Will admit, what I had wandered and hadn't had evidence to before, that his evil master (thought to be Snoke but really Palpatine) was manipulating him through Anakin/Vader, then Smoke, changes my views w decent amount (as does some novelisation reveals, I think, that state the original trio kept the truth of who Vader was from Ben for years and such a lie, when growing up believing one a valiant Jedi and the other a powerful and mostly evil sith saved at the end of his life was surely confusing (but this is one of those conflicting facts of, Was this always the truth and plan or was it added in for sympathy? Not gonna argue)). Then we have one scene, a battle between 'Good' and 'Evil', he's trying to kill Rey for Palpatine or for himself, can't really say. He is stabbed, deadly wound, saved, and it's like a painful rebirth, he speaks to his father, and sheds Kylo, going to join Rey as Ben and out a stop to it once and for all. For all my conflicted feelings before and still standing by such, seeing that last scene had me hyped and crying, I thought it was all amazing, and he made many good actions to balance against his good. But still not enough, and I'm tired of the Villain Dies to Earn Redemption arc, good or badbor misunderstood, these characters should be able to live, pay for their crimes, and grow from it. But also, deeply against reylo for personal and none personal reasons, I found the kiss sweet and heartbreaking, it was a soft moment that made me feel (I prefer her with Finn, if not the impossible Finn and Poe, but I understand why reylo is shipped). Reflection--basically the same, except I've learned that there was implied neglect, assumption of evil, lying about his family, and an Evil Dark Lord whispering in his ear as probably both Snoke AND fake Vader, and he's still fucked up for all the death, pain, and torment he caused that most of it could have not be necassary. But maybe I'm fucked up for now suddenly wanting to analyze and understand him and for thinking he deserved to live his redemption, not die and earn it.

But whatever. I've decided I'm gonna RP, and analyze. And I keep sifting through Tumblr for feels post or just pics of Ben, not Kylo. And there's a lot of Reylo, I either admire it and move on.

But then there's posts trying to demean other characters in twisted, if not cruel ways. Example 2; Finn kept taking Rey's hand on Jakkuu without her consent, but Kylo always asked, such a gentleman!! = ...Finn grabbed her hand while they were running, it was a protective instinct, not in any way trying to violate her. For one, Kylos reach was a 'please take my hand and assist in making the universe cry while we spread evil' so it's not a healthy comparison, not to mention, Kylo actually violated her, using the force on her body, making her unconcious, kidnapping her, and attempting to torture her and invade her mind. I'm sorry, there's no arguing who has violated her. Example 2; referring to Finn, in just a simple small statement if who deserved her, as FN2187 = Nice, so you just stated you're an aggressive, hateful shipper AND a racist willing to use a black characters literal slave title.

Like, I'm just trying to look for pics or meta that relate to what I'm feeling, but the characters I love more than Ben, and sometimes the actors (Rey, Finn/John, Poe/Oscaar) get attacked or demeaned, or called bullies for doing less than what said fans actually say and do on a daily.

I'm just here for Kylo/Ben, but got people being toxic fucking bullies while defending him or vying for his worthiness and happiness, which makes me disgusted for even considering interest in him.

And it shouldn't. And it won't. But I'll just say this, you people make fandoms like a fucking fire pit. Just here for warmth, maybe to admire the fire, but you don't handle it properly and he burn others in the process, while making others turn around and fear the fire.

So please. Just...chill. Be respectful. Or feel free being the aggressive assholes that making the thing you love into something toxic and unlovable.

[luxuryglitterhoe]

Work Hours

Hi! This is my first writing piece I've ever posted on Tumblr so I hope you guys enjoy! Also, 18+ please this is kinda smutty! And it's heavy on the non con so please beware!

'It's been a long day,' you thought. You entered the break room without a second thought. The office was in a whirlwind today, and you missed her first break. You unbuttoned the first three buttons on your dress shirt and relaxed on the couch. Your eyes closed briefly until the door opened. It's only your boss. You relaxed when you saw that it was him. The worn out couch is barely comfortable and hurts her back. Hundreds of employees probably sat on that couch. You were just about to say something to him when he sat down.

Your heart started to beat faster from the close proximity. You had a crush on him forever. You had only had minimal conversations, before about work. Sometimes, when you were lucky you would get to have longer conversations about nothing in particular. You hoped tonight is one of those nights.

"Hey!"

Duncan blinked at greeting. The word seeming to break him out of a trance. He was so close to you that he could smell the remnants of the sweet tea you were drinking on her breath. He could see in great detail the subtle purple eyeliner coating a small portion of her eyelid that he was sure against office policy.

He shook as he stood and clicked the lock on the door in place. You were confused as you watched him do it. Your  bottom lip poked out in confusion.

“Mr. Shepherd? What are you doing?"

He didn't reply, but took a step closer to where you were seated. You stood by the ratty old couch and eyed him nervously. He could see your eyes darting to the door while your flight or fight instincts started to kick in. You were trying to think of an escape route, he realized.

"I have to be back out there in 15 minutes."

Your voice shook while you tried to push past him. He grabbed you by your shoulders. His fingertips digging into the silk material of your shirt. Your lips opened to make some sound, any sound, but nothing came out. He pushed you into the wall with no concern of anyone hearing. Your back arched and you tried to pull yourself  out of his grasp. A hand tangled into your hair and he covered your mouth with your hand. He could hear you whimpering. When he thinks back on the encounter he could probably hear you pleading from up under his hand.

"Fuck, you're so pretty."

His free hand drew a pattern down from your covered lips to the unbuttoned shirt. The shirt swallowed up your body. The tits that he was so used to seeing were modestly covered, and he was starting to hate dress code that he had created. He pulled down the shirt even more and saw a nude bra. You squirmed in his hold, but he knew that you wouldn't be able to get away.

You were weak and could barely hold a door open. He could feel her hands pressing, pushing against him. The sting of her fingernails cutting into his skin didn’t register. He'd feel them that night when he was laying in bed, but he was too lost to notice it then. He was in the zone and only thinking about the overwhelming around of arousal he was feeling.

He stared at you while he maneuvered the soft material of your bra down. Your nipples were almost always hard. He remembered that from watching you prance around the office. Your nipples straining against whatever you were wearing had always caught his attention. You had always caught his attention. His thumb brushed over the hardened nub and he could feel you try to push away from him.  The back of your head hit the wall and your eyes fluttered shut.

He thought about what he could do to you if he had the time. If you were in a relationship. He kissed your forehead, before bending down and licking at your nipples. You were shaking in his arms and he felt hot tears splashing against his hand. He should feel disgusted with himself, but he doesn't. He had heard from the grapevine that you thought he was cute. That you would fuck him if given the chance. This was supposed to happen, he theorized. This was going to happen regardless.

He pulls on the pencil skirt you had on until it eventually fell under his strength. You had on a pair of black panties with stars on them. They fit you perfectly, because you were a star in his world. One that he wanted to obtain, own, and drain all of the love out of you until you only loved him. Your skirt was thrown somewhere in the small room and his legs forced their way between yours. You were sobbing openly now. Your muffled cries were only turning him on more. He grinded his hard dick against you. His hands shook with anticipation. His button and zipper are undone within seconds. They only had about twelve minutes before you were due back at your desk..

He pushed your panties to the side and adjusted your hips. His hand disappeared into his pants to pull out his cock. You were struggling even more now, trying to delay the inevitable. His hand covered your pussy for a split second. He smirked at the wetness coat his hand. He gathered up more of the slick spilling from your dripping pussy, before wrapping his hand around his dick. He didn't want to hurt you even though you might think he does. His dick slid in with no resistance and he was startled by how you were made for him.

You were louder than you was before.

"Shut up before somebody hears you."

You can't stop the whimpering and the moaning from slipping out of your mouth. His fingers slipped from your mouth and he scrambled to covers it again. You were letting out high pitched moans and he so desperately wanted to hear you moan for him. To hear you call out his name.

A strangled groan escaped his parted lips as he settled into you. You were so tight and wet he could barely control himself.

He balanced himself on the wall and tried to breathe. It's never been like this with anyone else.

He almost came from just being in you. He's pressed himself so tightly against you that he doesn't know where he ends and you begins. He can feel your grey heels digging into his hips as he finally found a rhythm. Your mouth fell open and your tongue brushed around his hand. Your pussy seems to tighten around him everytime he moves and he's so lost in the sensation. He feels a spark of fire ignite in himself. You're like gasoline, he realized, as his head fell on your shoulder. You're holding onto him for dear life. Your fingers wrapped tightly in his hair and you pulled on it. He bit his lip to hold in his moans. Your body seized around him, your pussy started to spasm around him and with a choked cry he cums. You winced as you felt his cum coat your inner walls. He collapsed against you and nothing but gasping can be heard from the tiny room. He finally pulled himself together enough  to pull out of you.

His cum and your cum mixes together and coats your thighs. You were already feeling sore as you reached for your skirt and turned away from him.

You were rubbing your eyes and adjusting your clothes when he stopped you. He kissed you for the first time during this whole encounter and thought that maybe you could be something. You left the room with a weak and shaking left with your head hung low. You wondered if any of your coworkers had heard you and what would they think. Would they think that you were fucking the boss for a promotion?

You helping a coworker with their computer and you can feel him staring at you from his office. You shuddered and went back to your own desk. Duncan made sure to leave at same time as you and he joined you while you walked out to the office. Silence is so loud sometimes and it hangs over them. He turned to you and laced your fingers with his. You didn't pull away and you looked up at him with those big eyes that could make any man beg. He tightened his fingers around yours and you squeezed back. Maybe...just maybe they could work out.

“You know you owe me dinner right, Mr. Shepherd?”

“After that? I'd do anything for you, Mrs. Shepherd.”

“I can't believe I just let you fucked me in your office. If someone heard, Duncan, this is all of your fault.”

He rolled his eyes and held the car door open for you. Your wedding ring sparkled in the direct light of the sun.

“I love you, baby.”

I'm tagging @michael-langdon-appreciation because if it wasn't for her this wouldn't have been posted

I hope you all enjoyed it and maybe I'll post the rest I have saved up if it gets a good response. Thank you for reading!

[rabbitindisguise]

oooo my phone died, killing the possibility of me doing my Daily Assigned Task (I only have one because aside from staying afloat with food and stuff that’s all my brain can cognitively handle. Yes, I also do this doing the school year. Yes, I know that sounds absolutely bonkers) right this moment so while I have my boredom captive in this textpost, let’s ruminate over the nature of humanity some more ignore me I’m talking to myself 

it is also very extremely weird and by “very” I mean “not at all” and “extremely” I mean “minimally, if anything, actually not super weird in any of the senses of the word” and weird still just means weird because otherwise the previous things I just said would no longer be accurate BUT

let’s just say it’s totally expected 

that people find These Weird Things That I Do generally, absolutely fascinating in fiction. Like, my original works for example are steeped in weirdness. Rolling with abnormalities. Boiling with oddity. And so on. And I don’t pull this out of my ass! Oh no. This is all like . . . gosh, inspired stuff. From things I saw and liked and felt reflected my very soul in fiction. 

But they’re totally hated in meatspace 

I wonder 

Anyway, it’s also really strange to see posts about this Weird Things That People Do on tumblr and to read people complimenting them and to feel a warm glow of pleasant optimism about the state of humanity, and hear the very same audience of tumblr people absolutely go nuts over the strangest bullshit I have ever seen or heard or conceived of in my entire life. Like I get weirdly tense and fraught subjects. I get really tense and pissy if someone headcanons a character as binary trans when I headcanon them as non-binary when I’m a nb trans it literally doesn’t matter aside from my emotional attachment to the concept. I’m not proud of it! But I get it, is my point. I understand. It makes sense to me. 

But what just doesn’t quite click, doesn’t snap into the convoluted logic of my brain meats, is HOW exactly SO MANY people have the same weird gripes of this obscure stuff that should be totally okay if people are accepting the activist principles of ableism as nonsense and weirdness not being bad. Many others who are probably smart have said it is simply, nay, merely hypocrisy and I’ve met a human or two in my time alive, I can see the potential for that sort of thing to happen. However, considering that Herd Mentality is what it is, I don’t think it’s possible that the plague is actually “being widely inconsistent in the execution of your beliefs to fit in to society” when that’s so stigmatized but actually that being angry about the same things is good for some reason. 

This is important! It’s important because Reasons. Because if you say “hypocrite!” when there’s a fire, I don’t think anyone will understand or listen to the concern. If the answer is anything but hypocrisy, talking about it generally pisses people off and makes them yell at you- a near identical response of an actual hypocrite, confusing everyone further. So I don’t think it’s unfair to talk about hypocrisy, of course not, there is nothing I enjoy more than finding logical inconsistencies because it means the world can be improved etc etc that’s not the problem. The problem is most definitely that if the problem isn’t even hypocrisy than the solution isn’t the solution to hypocrisy.   

If my theory is right, or semi-right, or at least not wrong, then approaching a bunch of people yelling about a thing to encourage others to yell in tandem is not going to be won by yelling something opposing to that, especially if it makes them angrier and also makes them feel wronged. Instead, calmly being like “nah, dude, I don’t feel the same way, but it’s chill” is way better. Not only because it makes them look ridiculous for having an out of proportion reaction to someone being weird in public (the horror, whatever shall we do about ~being weird~ and doing it ~in public~) but there’s no defensive position to get on. There is no “debate tactics” to use. There’s absolutely not a disagreement about ableism or politics or intersectionality. Rather, it uplifts a contrary option that is confident and secure and this is exactly the same rhetorical device that Centrists or whatever they’re called, use all the damn time. People have talked At Length about jeez, idk, it being exhausting to constantly talk to a person that’s not as invested and doesn’t see it as the Serious Issue It Is- but from the perspective of when they’re actually talking about serious issues, rather than complaining that someone referenced a tumblr meme in public or plays mc and oh, no, how cringey 

This is of course blatant emotional manipulation but as the fairness complaint generally goes, they did it first. Multiple people weighing in on a topic with angry voices telling someone not to do something doesn’t work because they have secret actual good reasons and that shines through, it’s because there’s a number of angry people and they’re trying to subdue someone’s Weird with force. Emotional force, but there’s nothing about consent involved in this exchange. No personal boundaries. Shame is a mode of control. Power, even. Which is why I hate those second hand embarrassment fics and avoid them like the plague because it’s icky to me and makes me feel gross and I guess one of my personal triggers is someone feeling bad for doing something Shameful in public 

Which brings me to Weird Humanity Musings part II (III? I can’t do math) that have taken a weird non-activist and highly personal turn for the worst: 

I don’t think people notice how often emotional manipulation plays a part in subtle power plays that go on in human interactions every day. Humanity made dominance ffs. Humans are the ones that get upset and feel challenged with eye contact- not dogs. Dogs use sustained eye contact all the time for a bunch of reasons. Humans too. But it’s humans that recontextualized that behavior as exclusively dominance, a wholly human concept, and, whatever I’m not going to spend too much time on this because I don’t actually particularly care about it. But the point is actually just that humans went out of their way to create this thing, and it plays a part in social interactions. Mothers and daughters and siblings and friends all have scripts of code that basically go for the emotional center of the other person to get them to obey. Most people can’t recognize it because society has that whole “if everyone does it THIS must be the baseline of normal” be as well All Know, normal doesn’t even exist so that reaction is bullshit before it’s even analyzed in any meaningful sense. 

Example time because I highly doubt I can just say that off the cuff and actually get people to follow that train of thought to completion (unfortunately, I’d rather not have to write this post at all because it means one less problem in the world and that’s a good thing). 

Anytime someone says “I’m your mother!” it’s to reinforce the authority of the child that this person probably have financial, social, physical (such a medical) and emotional control over for almost two decades of their life, or however much it actually was. This is often used to make the child of the mother Do Something, like maybe they’re questioning her judgement or smth I don’t know I get this one a lot and it’s lost all meaning to me by now 

Whenever someone says “thank you” it generally plays into the social script where they do the whole dance of “I got this service from you, I say thanks, you say you’re welcome.” This works as a subtle manipulation (not necessarily negative! these examples aren’t Get Mad and Force Conformity examples, just How It Works examples) when someone doesn’t feel like they’ve done something for someone else, so saying “thanks” shows appreciation for the effort and can force an acknowledgement of that effort by expecting a “your welcome” or “no problem” from the other person. This gets shitty and creepy when someone doesn’t take silence aka “I’m not doing the dance because I don’t agree” to a degree where they’re like “oh? are you not going to say you’re welcome?” aka are you gonna be a conceited shithead that thinks they’re better than saying “you’re welcome” the most common social nicety that supposedly always costs nothing? Which does nothing to make the person to feel better and everything to leverage the situation and make them preform social interaction for the other person’s amusement. 

“Good morning” is another example. It doesn’t actually matter if the morning is good or not, but it establishes rapport and focuses on the positives- one of those things called “small talk.” (Never heard of her.) This is something someone can actually observe better at the cultural level- someone says “good morning” in english, in another language they say something else. Both show ideological underlying beliefs of the culture Because That’s How Culture And Language Work because it’s a sneaky not-liar that can’t hide its true feelings about things. 

I’m not actually all that good with the line between “what is acceptable emotional manipulation in a social context when the fundamentals of the english language rely on subtle power exchange to function [and holy shit would some people hate knowing That] and the unacceptable abusive emotional manipulation” and I generally err on the side of stuff that people seem to be explicitly asking for and prompting but I don’t always succeed and I don’t know that I’m doing the best method but that’s the most chaotic good thing I could come up with  

But it still remains that calling things emotional manipulation is both true and a misnomer because in some ways, they’re necessary to exist in society without being considered a jackass (as a self proclaimed “I was called a jackass using many different words that all basically mean jackass” that mostly doesn’t participate in these social nicety dances because I don’t like my brain yelling at me that I’m doing the same bullshit I hated as a Youth and I don’t like disappointing myself) and in others, they’re totally unneeded and artlessly cruel. I mean, heck, going through this internal debate every time someone says “good morning?” Who does that? (I do. This is why people think I’m a dumbass lmao. Jokes on them unfortunately,) 

Regardless of what people actually DO about it though, these things are the underlying mechanics of how emotional manipulation works. It’s a concoction of societal expectations, situational contexts, personal histories, selective pressures, and a bunch of other things in smaller amounts. Most of the time it’s “normal” social stuff but with a ton of exaggerated features (I almost used my own handle from a different Social Media and that my friends is having a lot of issues and self hatred due to abuse! and also anxieties over becoming abusive ofc but who doesn’t have those these days). Which is why I think it’s so important that it’s expansively defined so much because otherwise people are really thickheaded about emotional abuse specifically. They think it’s impossible to do in some cases and in others, think it’s exclusively the realm of insults and humiliation. 

Those exaggerate features are even harder to spot if someone doesn’t even recognize the interpersonal dynamics of language in the first place. It all just becomes nonsensical and no one can tell what came from where or what this particular question is abusive and not this other one. The logic gets poked with holes easier and abuse survivors get dismissed. 

Of course, expanding that definition to reshape thinking might just go along the same direction as representation, where even alluding to the truly abusive mechanics of actual, you know, emotional abuse, is seen as abusive. Everything, literally, would become problematic. There could be callout posts about any human interaction in any context with anyone ever. I’m confident in holding myself to a higher standard than the rest of society but I Cannot overstate that being bullshit to the nth degree that I couldn’t even put up with myself telling myself to keep to it as a standard. It just doesn’t work. I’ve tried it. That way lies the nonsense form of madness as in the non-nd kind. That, along with purity culture and censorship and doxxing and death threats and so on: I don’t fully want to release this theory out into the world in practice because I’m afraid society will just use it as fodder to be cruel to people but I’m also equally afraid that not saying anything will just cause people to, I don’t know, keep accidentally causing suffering to others. So I’ll stuff it under a read more and hope that keeps the impact minimal but not non-existent. 

But yeah this whole post is a demonstration that just because someone’s behaving weirdly doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re bad people. Even if they do something that seems downright mean. I read a post that was basically “there’s no such thing as asshole disorder” but there really is, and it’s whatever I have. I get so compelled to Do the right thing by my ethics and morals that I go through above *gestures* and take longer than neurotypicals do to respond to “good morning” and I don’t mean anything by it so I assume that people can tell because I assume the best in others, and others are free to assume the worst in me so they do. 

I’m not upset by it but I also wish that there were a better system to screen assholes than assuming that non-compliance with normality is a sign of evil, because that’s the system we seem to have. It might have a high reward in the brain via confirmation biases and whatnot, but that doesn’t seem worth the risk of basically knocking down any and every mental illness symptom that’s unpalatable. Because they’re all unpalatable to someone, somewhere. That’s what makes them symptoms. We don’t have any “glowing green hair” as symptoms because that’s just sick as fuck and I want some. People who have working with their symptoms and turned them into something beneficial have largely challenged societal ideas about what is “good” and “natural” to get there, and that type of work isn’t someone everyone is cut out for. 

Many physically disabled people are all medical model, all the way because they’ve been largely neurotypical their whole lives, and I’ve read their grieving posts like people recommend that I read and I just don’t see how I can help them empathize with me as a person that doesn’t give a shit if my clicking pen annoys people if it helps me focus. That’s an Asshole move if any has ever be determined by society, but at the same time, a common fundamental symptom of many disorders, and as such, I don’t feel bad about it and I don’t know that I could, ever, be made to feel guilty for existing. I’ve never seen myself as a drain on society. I’ve never felt like a freeloader. And I’ll never feel bad for being disable or neurodivergent. Does that make me the bad guy? Or the weird cool antihero from fiction? My impulse is to say “yes” to both ‘cause what people like in fiction is not always what they tolerate in real life 

It’s kinda weird and paradoxical that I can feel bad about not feeling bad but not feel bad about being disabled at the same time but w/e I’m an abuse survivor we, collectively, excel at stuff and things that most people may not understand so I guess that’s all the explanation I need 

[river1983]

Prompt #38

Requested by @thatdaughterofabitch , thanks for the request! :)

Ship: Destiel

-

BACKGROUND: Dean Winchester was a renowned serial killer, responsible for the deaths of 23 innocent lives just this year. His total death count was at 104, and he’s been on the FBI’s Most Wanted list for two years. 

Castiel is also a serial killer, with a death count of only 47, but the method of murder was something out of a TV show.

-

A/N: I’m really sorry if this is completely not what you were looking for.

TRIGGER WARNING: Graphic depictions of violence: murder, mutilation (cutting) PLEASE don’t read if you are uncomfortable.

I’m going to sound like a physco with the descriptive words and overall dialogue of this fic...so DISCLAIMER: IM NOT A MURDERER, JUST A WRITER...WE WRITERS HAVE TO ACCESS THE INNER KILLER SOMETIMES WE’RE WEIRD BUT THIS IS TUMBLR EVERYONE’S WEIRD

DISCLAIMER 2: THIS IS NOT A FLUFFY FIC! It has a lot of violence and overall not good things. Destiel is in it, but there’s a lot of murder.

The language is a probably-translated-wrong version of Enochian. I will put the English translations up here.

-

**when spelling, Enochian is spelled backwards. So, ‘dean’ would be ‘nead’**

ELASA BIAB ADAGITA BOLAPE VIRUDEN: You are to be beautified

A A DOOAIN DE ELO: In the name of God

Prux, Med, Don: Ron (Spelled backwards)

Ur, Graph, Gon: L, E, I

Gisg, Fam, Un, Veh: T, S, A C

Ome gahalana ooaoana el manada: We will see one another

-

“Serial Killer AU”

-

Dean stares at the TV in anger as he saw this infamous Castiel appear on the screen again. The headliner read: INFAMOUS SERIAL KILLER BRUTALLY MURDERS FAMILY OF 4. Dean rolled his eyes as he sharpened his blade, listening to the newscaster as she spoke.

“This just in, the death count increases due to the infamous killer on the loose, named Castiel, who recently murdered and mutilated a woman in Lebanon, Kansas. The pictures and footage are disturbing, viewer discretion is advised.”

The pictures appeared on the screen, and even Dean had to admit, it was art. He paused the screen to look closer at the carvings. They were just like the ones before, on other victims. He had found the language, Enochian, but has yet to be able to translate them.

The screen changed to a video. Finally! Dean thought as he leaned closer.

He’d been hunting this Castiel for weeks, trying to kill him so he could add to his reputation. Yeah, he could kill an ordinary, insignificant human, but why not another serial killer? And no, he wasn’t obsessed...at least that’s what he told himself. 

He had yet to find out what Cas looked like, which made him so hard to find. The guy was a real genius, even though it pained Dean to admit it. His carvings were so clean you’d think he was a doctor. 

The video showed a man in a entirely black outfit. Black trench coat, dress shirt, dress pants, and tie. His dark, tousled hair looked unkempt but not necessarily bad on him. He had piercingly blue eyes, and a malicious smile. Dean was intrigued.

Castiel whipped around his victim, who was tied to a table, stretched for minimal movement. “Elasa biab adagita bolape viruden.”

He took out a weird looking knife, pointed at the end but expands outward, almost like a detailed cone on top of a handle. The victim’s arms and legs were exposed, and Castiel poised his blade on top of the exposed flesh.

“A a dooain de elo.”

Then he started to cut into the flesh, carving out one of the letters shown in the pictures.

The video cut off after that, but Dean had the mental image in his head of this man, so he cut off the TV. He got up and sat at his desk, picking up his notebook dedicated to Castiel. He stared at the pictures of the carvings on a different victim, trying to piece what the letters meant.

--

Castiel cleaned his blade as he stepped away from his latest victim. She had died quickly. He set his blade down and picked up a rag to clean the wounds he created, making sure no blood seeped out the dams of skin he severed, that his cuts stayed clean and precise. 

When he was done, he left the body there for the cops to find--for Dean to find.

He first heard about Dean on the news when he murdered a group of skateboarders/graffiti artists. He had poured the spray paint into their mouths, causing them to choke on their own form of art. Not the way Castiel would have done it, but he fascinated Castiel. 

He knew Dean was after him, and the reasons. His death by Dean’s hand would do great things for his reputation. Cas didn’t mind--it saved him the work of going after Dean himself.

He got back to his home and immediately went to his desk and opened his notebook dedicated to Enochian language, looking over the notes he accumulated over the years.

He first found the language while he was researching for a paper for his English class. It was an ancient dialect, thought to be the lost language of the angels. He fell in love with it, studied it until he became fluent in speech and writing. In fact, it inspired him to kill.

Castiel did not have a bad childhood. He was not an abnormal kid. He played sports, excelled in school, and wanted to be a entomologist. He was, however, a little weird, per say. He had been intrigued with the concept of death at a young age, found studying nonfiction murder mystery books and listening to podcasts about famous murders and murderers. H. H Holmes intrigued him the most. He thought it was genius using a house as a place of murder. He loved the concept of sneaking around a building in secret corridors with different rooms for different murders, no one ever suspecting anything. It was genius.

But Enochian and learning it was the final push for him. He was 26 at this time, and found his first victim at a park, simple and easy. Followed him until he got home, and killed him in his house. He lived alone, so it made no sense to drag him out of a perfectly fine place of death. He had written three Enochian Letters: Prux, Med, Don. The victim’s name. So, ever since, that’s what he did. He found ordinary people and did this to them, sketched their names into their bodies. He didn’t find joy in it, per say, but more of a feeling of content.

This was his calling.

Sure, it was ironic and cliché to used God’ s name while he killed, but it wasn’t because he was a believer. It was because of the language. Nothing about what he was doing should be credited to God.

Subconsciously he muttered his name in Enochian.

“Ur, Graph, Gon…”

He traced the picture of Dean he had gotten from the news. “Gisg, Fam, Un, Veh.”

He smiled. “Ome gahalana ooaoana el manada, Winchester.”

--

Dean’s childhood was full of abuse and being thrown into a role of responsibility too early. He had three siblings: Adam, Sam, and Jo. His mom died in a fire when he was only six, Jo was four, Adam two and Sam only six months. His father was not the same after the incident, leaving Dean to care for his siblings when he was only six. His father drank and hit him all the time, calling him worthless and the cause of his mother’s death. Dean never said anything, just bottled up the anger and pushed on--he had three kids to look after.

After Sam finally went to college and Dean was on his own, his anger towards his father finally surfaced. He had killed his father by forcing him to chug six bottles of whiskey--not that it was that hard. No one had ever suspected he had anything to do with his father’s death.

Dean was hooked. The adrenaline he felt from taking life from another human was almost like being high. He couldn’t stop. 

So, that’s what he did. He didn’t have a day job, but had enough stolen money to last him the rest of his life. He didn’t kill for the money, or the reputation. He killed because he was addicted to it.

Dean ran his hand over his notes with a sigh. If he wasn't trying to murder Castiel for the rep, why was he after him? He didn’t even know of he had money or not, though its unlikely that he wouldn’t.

Dean knew the answer to that question, but he hated it.

He felt drawn to Cas somehow. Maybe it was the way he killed, carving ancient letters into people’s skin. Maybe it was because his devotion to his art of murder. He didn’t know what, but it was something. He wanted to kill him because Castiel was a distraction, and Dean Winchester couldn’t afford distractions.

He skimmed his notes again, looking back and forth between the scrawls of Enochian and the precise, beautiful carves in the picture. He looked back and forth again, then smiled. “Found it.” He muttered to himself, grin on his face.

He quickly scrawled the English translation onto the picture, then stared at it.

E

D

A

J

He stared at them, not able to make sense of them. What would “edaj” mean?

He looked at his notes again, seeing the small note he had written.

Enochian is spelled right to left.

He looked at it again, and got it.

J

A

D

E.

It was a name, presumably of the victim. If he translated the rest of the victims he would probably see their names too.

Dean spun around to get his laptop. He would research Jade and see if he could find where she lived, and hopefully this could lead to Castiel’s location.

--

Dean turned on the news after 4 hours of research. Jade’s location was in Chicago, but her murder took place in Lebanon. The most recent victim’s death was also in Lebanon. He wasn't able to find out more, but he decided he would start there. He would pack a bag and ride to Lebanon, which wasn't too far from where he was now. 

Dean laughed. He had sworn he would never go back there, not after he murdered his father. It wasn't because of his father’s death, but because it was where his life went to hell. 

But to meet Castiel...it’d be worth it.

The newscaster came on the screen.

“There seems to be a message from Castiel, infamous murderer, to another well known serial killer, Dean Winchester here in Lebanon--”

Dean’s mouth dropped open as he paused the screen, processing that information. Castiel knew about him? And left a message? His brain was trying to process it, and he hadn't even seen the message yet. He unpaused the screen.

“--Kansas. It seems to be in the same ancient language seen in his mutilations. Here’s the message:”

Dean scrambled to get his pen and notebook then paused the screen on the message, reading it first.

WINCHESTER, I KNOW YOU’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR ME. LET’S MEET.

GRAPH FAM VAN MED NA  FAM’TAL MED TAL  DON VAN MED GON

A/N: I can’t copy and paste the actual Enochian letters--so sorry about that!

Dean reread the message. The letters telling him where to meet Castiel was in Enochian letters, so Dean got to work translating. It didn't take him as long as he thought, only thirty minutes, but he got the message. He stared at it for a significant amount of time before taking a deep breath, grabbing his bag, then getting in his impala.

The message? 

YOUR MOM’S HOUSE

--

Castiel sat in Dean’s old house, his victim tied to a chair at the moment, gagged because he wouldn't stop pleading. He was sure Dean would be here soon, he had to have learned Enochian by now if he was following Castiel all this time. He didn’t know why he cared so much about Dean, but he did. He had researched him, the brief semi-bio written by his sibling, Sam. He assumed that his siblings knew of Dean’s murderous tendencies, but haven't turned him in because of sentiment. Castiel had found out about this house from his biography, learned about his upbringing, and numerous facts that led Castiel to invoking Dean. He wanted to meet the man.

A few hours later, he heard the door open. He took his blade, them stood in the hallway, meeting a pair of bright green eyes staring back at him.

Castiel was taken aback. He’d seen Dean numerous times, but something about seeing him in person hit him like a truck.

“Hello Dean.”

Dean Winchester met his eyes at the same intensity. “Cas.”

Castiel cocked his head at the nickname. “Cas?”

Dean shrugged. “Your name’s too long.”

He walked down the hallway, standing right in front of Castiel. “So,”

“So.”

“Why’d you call me here? How did you know about it? About me?”

“I’ll tell you soon...first I have to deal with someone.”

He turned and went back to the room with the victim in it.

--

Dean followed him. Cas stopped in front of the man in the chair, taking out his blade.

“Your victim?” Dean asked.

“Isn’t it obvious?”

Dean rolled his eyes. “Is it okay if I watch?”

Castiel nodded. “I want you to.”

Dean stepped back, getting a good view of Castiel as he did his work.

Cas pressed the tip of the blade onto the skin of the victim as he screamed behind the gag, but not moving.

“Elasa biab adagita bolape viruden.”

Dean recognized the words. It was on the last video shown on the news.

“A a dooain de elo.”

Then Castiel started his work. He looked like he was in a trance, focused only on the skin underneath his blade and fingertips and the language he was etching into them. Nothing else existed. Dean understood that.

It took an hour, but Cas finally finished, stabbed the man cleanly through the chest, then turned to Dean, cleaning his blade.

“You’re a genius.” Dean blurted. “I mean, clearly an artist.”

Castiel smiled. “Thank you Dean.”

He turned examining the cuts he made. “I don’t have much to clean up--we can talk afterward. Here, if you’re comfortable.”

Dean nodded. “I’m fine.”

As Castiel cleaned, Dean took a moment to take in his whole appearance. Every thing about the man screamed dominance. He had a certain aura around him that drew Dean in. It was impossible not to be drawn in. he was like a black hole.

Cas turned. “Follow me.”

Dean nodded. “I know this house, Cas--I lived in it for a chunk of my life.”

Castiel shrugged. “You have a point.”

They arrived in the living room, and sat across from each other. they stared for a while, not saying anything.

“I read about you.” Cas said suddenly.

Dean raised an eyebrow, asking to elaborate.

“Your brother, Samuel, had a small biography about you. I also saw you on the news. Your method of murder...it’s fascinating. Brilliant, though not my personal method.”

Dean scoffed. “There’s no thought behind my methods. You, however, have such precision...I was watching you now. It’s a bit of an honor.”

Cas laughed. God, he had a beautiful laugh...what?

“The language...I fell in love with it. It’s interesting.” 

Dean huffed. “That it is. How’d you learn it? I could barely decipher your message.”

Cas smiled. “It took several years...I’m surprised you learned as much as you did so quickly.”

“Yeah well, I wanted to meet you.”

Dean blushed a little. “So, is my method the reason why you called me out?”

Castiel seemed stopped cold by the question. “I...I just...wanted to meet you.” He said. “I felt, drawn to you, to be completely honest.”

Dean sucked in a breath. He couldn’t believe this. “Well, the feeling is returned, Cas.”

“I like that, Cas. It’s much easier to say than ‘Castiel.’”

The two men looked at each other, unsure what to say. This wasn’t turning out how he imagined.

--

Castiel didn’t know what to do. to be honest, he really wanted to kiss the man. There was no use denying it--Dean fascinated him. No one’s captured that Castiel’s interest in all of his life. But Dean...he was truly worthy of attention.

Castiel debated with himself whether he should so something about it or not. He hated how he was acting like a high schooler about this, but he had just met the man.

“Fuck it.” Castiel said.

He leaned in towards Dean, and met his lips. Dean’s eyes widened, but he didn't pull away. He relaxed, and kissed back.

Cas leaned back into his chair, meeting Dean’s widened, shocked eyes.

“I--Cas--”

“That’s the the real reason I reached out to you. I...want to consider a partnership.”

Dean laughed. “Actual partners in crime, in both senses of the phrase?”

Cas laughed. “I guess so.” 

Dean smiled and looked down. “Sure, Cas.”

Castiel stood up, kissing Dean again. “Anyone who says serial killers are emotionless are wrong.”

Dean nodded. “We’re still breaking the law.”

Castiel shrugged. “Do you care?”

Dean picked up Castiel’s blade and handed it to him. “Nope.”

--

that’s it! I got stuck on this story a bit lol. I know a little bit about Enochian letters, but I couldn’t transcribe the actual letters in this story, so the language in this is probably completely wrong. Anyway, hope you guys don’t think I’m a serial killer now hahaha. thanks for reading :)

-river