#usually people mistake my mental illness as me being a bad person

[musical-chick-13]

The thing is, when OCD Brain™ goes "morality is complicated" it's not exactly from the standpoint of "I have no idea what the concepts of Good and Bad are." It's more, "I know what my values are, what I consider the concept of 'Good' to be, but I perceive so many things as being antithetical to that concept of 'Good', and I don't know how to sort the Actually Antithetical ones from the Stuff My Brain Worries About Unnecessarily ones, so I spend my life trying to atone both for mistakes I HAVE actually made and for things that no one other than me would consider a 'mistake' in the first place."

Because it's better to be sure, right? If there's anything that could be interpreted as malicious or harmful or selfish or Not Doing Enough (regardless of how much you would have to stretch the definitions of those words to make that actually be true), then better counteract and avoid and whatever-else all of those potential things.

An example of this I usually use when trying to explain all this is the discussion regarding alcohol and consent. All of the people I've met who have this illness (including me), understand that, if someone is under the influence, they cannot actually consent to something--an agreement, a contract, a sexual encounter. If someone is drunk and, therefore, does not actually have full possession of themselves and their mental faculties, something they say or do that might seem like an expression of consent cannot be taken as one. Because, due to those outside circumstances (i.e. the aforementioned "Not Truly Having Self-Possession" and "Something directly interfering with someone's ability to make decisions") consent cannot be considered freely given. Very few people are going to dispute this.

Where OCD might (and frequently does) come in is that many other, not-OCD-having people will, for example, mention going out to a bar and sharing a drink with someone before hooking up with them. Or discussing things during a business dinner where there might be a glass of wine involved. True, these people may not be drunk, but the way alcohol affects the human body is going to be different for every person. Some people might be affected by a little amount of alcohol, even if they don't realize it. Some people have a very low tolerance for it, and there's not really any way for you to know for sure. This is further complicated by the fact that alcohol might stay in your system for a little while. How long does it take for the effects to wear off and you aren't in that state of vulnerability anymore? Again, that will be different for every person, and you have no way of knowing this.

For someone with OCD, the way around these questions might become, "Don't accept any kind of agreement at all (to a contract, to a business arrangement, to sex) from someone if any alcohol has been involved in any way during the hours leading up to that agreement." But if someone lives their life by this particular rule, plenty of people (if not most of them) are going to say they're being over-worried or ridiculous or silly or stupid. Some form of "you're overreacting" (or, in particularly unfortunate cases, "you're crazy/inhuman/authoritarian") will usually be the response from people who don't suffer from this illness. And you don't know why that's the response. You don't know why people don't agree with you. (And in this particular case, I still don't. It's been 30 years, and I still genuinely do not understand why this is the reaction I get.)

And it can be like this in every case. We know germs are bad and that you should be cautious in how you handle them, so people don't get sick. Better make sure to clean everything [a specific overly-complicated way, an inordinate number of times, for a really long amount of time]. You should take responsibility when you hurt people, so why not apologize for everything you do, just to make sure.

Children are a particularly vulnerable and disenfranchised group of people, so why not go out of your way to avoid them, to make absolutely sure you don't make their struggles worse? (<-I'm actually wondering if the recent uptick in "There's no reason for an adult to talk to a child/teenager they aren't related to or teaching" discussion is coming from.)

Obviously abuse is bad, so to make sure you don't do that, you need to punish yourself/do compulsions to atone if you ever so much snap at someone out of irritation or have an argument with them. After all, one mistake could pave the way for more. The only way to be absolutely sure you don't turn into a bad person is to never do anything bad, or erase the times when you do make mistakes. Wishing violence on someone and actively wanting to hurt them is bad, so if you get intrusive thoughts about that (even if you. you know. don't want those thoughts. because they're intrusive.), then you need to do everything you can at all times to make sure that doesn't somehow develop into actually hurting someone. Bad patterns of thought can inspire bad patterns of actions!

(And plenty of people don't even understand the nuances of that last one because we are living in a time where so many people genuinely believe that thoughtcrime is a real thing.)

It's not that OCD erodes your moral code or makes it impossible to have one. It's that it tells you all of these things, many of which you cannot possibly sustain, are necessary actions to uphold that moral code. It's that you know what "bad" is, but you interpret most or all of the things you could ever do as contributing to the "bad." And if this illness is convinced that every single action you take is "bad," then that means there is no realistic way to actually be "good."

[leoleolovesdc]

I really don't get what's so appealing to writers and fans who make Bruce an abusive father. Why is it so fun? Why do people enjoy doing one of the biggest superhero of all times that dirty? How does that make any sense?

People always complain about how Batman is a power fantasy, but the fact that his actions aren't justifiable if applied real life doesn't mean that you have to fuck the character's fictional morals.

Every hero is a power fantasy, but they are enjoyable because they are good people (or people who try to be good). Bruce Wayne is a human being and he is capable of bad parenting and committing mistakes, but making him willingly hit his kids is just stupid.

Batman is and has always been about hope, about rising above your trauma, protecting who you love, using your pain to make the world a little better. Bruce doesn't go around "beating the mentally ill' just because, he does because they are dangerous people, criminals, terrorists who are constantly harming citizens with their actions.

With all that said; Bruce hitting his children/sidekicks/allies (or just purposefully harming them in any way shape or form) is incoherent with his character and all that he represents.

Batman brought Robin, especially Dick Grayson, in to help him. He didn't want a child soldier, he was comforting this kid and taking him to the police station when he asked to be trained so he could get the guy who killed his parents. He asked to become like Batman and Bruce, realizing that they were very similar, saw that he was also filled with anger and needed to be guided. That's why Dick became a better person than Bruce ever was, not because he was inherently good or something, but because even if their relationship was not perfect and troublesome at times they understood each other's pain like no one else would.

With all of Bruce and Dick's history saying that this father-son bond was filled with physical abuse just sounds wild to me. Same thing goes for Cass, Jason, Steph, Tim, Duke, Damian and any other child that Bruce parented or taken care of.

Jason and Dick are usually the victims of writers and fans who are full one Abusive-Bruce-Shit™️, and honestly, I don't think that's because they have remarkably difficult relationships, but because this fandom loves to make their favorite pretty "white" boys suffer.

No one cares if it makes sense for Bruce to be abusive towards his first sons, they just care that Dick and Jason are angsty. My prove of that? When do you ever see content of Bruce being abusive towards Cass? Damian? Steph? Duke? Never. Because those characters are either women or people of color largely ignored by both canon and fanon.

I'll admit that Damian and Tim do get angsty abusive dad content at times, because regardless of their actual relationship with Bruce Tim is a sad white boy and Damian is the largely white washed blood son, but they are still not the most common alternatives whenever family angst is the focus (despite the large fanon torture porn industry that Tim Drake goes through it is usually focused on other aspects of his life).

I don't really know how to end this, at this point I'm just ranting about annoying batfam fans, but, yeah, don't fuck over legacy characters by making them abusive dads bcuz u like saying ur fav has it worst👍

Little edit: In this post I talked abt Dick as a white guy, would like to apologize for that, I do know that he is romani but ended up forgetting to add that. Either way my point still stands as, just like Damian, his race is pretty much ignored by writers and parts of the fandom

[ohwell-itsme-but-danganronpa]

me when people are hating on Ouma's actions in game like. I just support him, actually

Ves: REAL she looked good doing it

if it were me I would get more crazy for a lot more selfish reasons, and I would punch Kaito back sooner, good for him for keeping his eyes on the goal

fr fr, look at him in the closing argument, that's my babygirl

Ves: the closing argument artist thinks so too

he did not have to go that hard but HE DID IT FOR ALL OF US. A HERO

haters will act like he's irrational, but he stuck out so long with no support system since he couldn't trust anyone and managed to play things off even when he was finally starting to lose his shit in a situation when it was reasonable for him to feel like this (tbh even fans make him often crack way more easily to make shipping content, when he's so resilient and then on the other hand not really lone wolfing it either bc he cooperated as much as he could) his way of going about things was smart, there isn't much else he could do, Tsumugi was setting up others to distrust him as well

Ves: AAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!! he did he lasted so fucking long in the worst possible situation he tried so HARD to cooperate and it just. did not work. if i think abt how quickly his plans fell apart i will explode i'd b doing so much worse in his situation

sometimes it's just like, you're talking about paranoia? trust and attachment issues? untreated mental illness? I think we have to be introduced, there's so much I could show you. I am not saying he doesn't have anything of the sort, but there's a lot more of reasonable justified distrust there, and still, it could be so much worse, trapping the next person who thoughtlessly assigns him diagnosis in a demonizing way in a room with me and making them listen to me rant about my failed relationships history for educational purposes

they will learn about all kinds of issues

Ves: it's trueee people act like he's so strange for breaking down but LIKE??? HE'S PRETTY NORMAL FOR THAT ACTUALLY???? he clearly already had Issues but the killing game was perfectly packaged to dig into those this is why DRS and UTDP mostly suck at characterizing him they're still stuck in the idea of him at his absolute worst he was nicer even in ch1 than he is in some of those events

[and then my amazing wife dropped this bomb, and she says I'm the smart one smh] Sini: The thing is, there’s him being shitty on purpose and him pretending to be the mastermind/making himself appear suspicious. There is a clear difference in how he acts. In DRS and UTDP he usually just comes across as playful. Yeah he’s a jackass, but I think his whole “bad guy” persona (the one we see in the beginning of the game) goes beyond the killing game. I see it as a way for him to protect himself, to push people away and not appear as vulnerable. As he’s said before, everyone always sees him as a villain so it’s the perfect role for him. I think that reasoning goes beyond what was happening to him in canon. I do agree his characterization could’ve used a bit more reworking, but I think for the most part they did a good job in showing how differently he acts in a peaceful setting in small ways. The fact that he never uses his scary sprites once or is seen to be more nice with characters like Mikan and Gonta. Especially with Gonta, where he seems to be more vulnerable around. And while this was probably just a mistake, I like to think him being shown as not as pale in DRS as a sign of him getting better. In a non killing game environment he seems to be doing pretty well for himself. But that’s what I believe, anyway

Ves: h that's really sweet actually,,,i may have been a LITTLE hard on the side modes. it's mostly the way he treats kiibo that drives me INSANE, the mikan n gonta stuff is [ok hand emoji].

Sini: Yeah, I agree. I can understand the Kiibo hate, but he doesn’t have to go as hard as he did in game. It’s not like there is a reason to suspect him. The only thing that could maybe explain it is maybe he suspects he could be tied to Monokuma? Since he, the Monokubz, and Monomi do exist here. He was rude to Monomi and seems to suspect her of being not what she seems ALSO, he’s always gonna be a little shit cause he’s a greedy whore. He wants attention and entertainment so badly.

Ves: THISSSSS it's so important i have seen so many people question why he does things where the answer is literally just that he wants attention like there is not always a plot sometimes he just wants shuuichi to chase him

Sini: That’s all there is to it He wants his crush to chase him like in his favourite novels Live the fantasy

Ves: it's part of why they're so good together!! shuuichi as a detective is v used to obsessing over details and giving his whole attention to something in the way kokichi wants HE'S A NERD THAT ALSO EXPLAINS MANY THINGS

Sini: They’re both nerds. Even more reason to why they are soulmates

Ves: kokichi receives the Detective Stare and goes TEEEEEHEE

Sini: IT’S HIS DREAM COME TRUE It’s just like anime! He’s living anime rn

Ves: i think his hair should curl up at the ends when he gets excited as a treat

Sini: To compliment Shuichi’s sentiment ahoge When he goes to his room after an exciting day with Shuichi, he flops on his bed, kicks his feet, and squeals into his pillow

I feel a little ashamed when reverse happens and I am posting something someone else started and I took over, but with this all I can say: follow @vespertin-y and leave nice comments for my wife so we can prove it to her that she is smart and her takes are divine.

[bambi-kinos]

Hi! Sorry in advance for my terrible english skills but after reading your insightful analysis on the beatles, mclennon and the John and Yoko dynamic I couln't help myself to ask you about a recent topic. Lindsay Ellis has made a video about Yoko and the Beatles, have you seen it? What do you think about? Personally as much she goes really full deep in her research and she covers how much women near powerful man are villainside, made the object of hate not recognising that this men have agenda men and responsabilities and you know much patriarchal society is etc, I honestly liked in general but she falls in the same mistakes as many others regarding how John and Yoko met, the usual fabricated and invented story, the fact she yes she didn't deserve all that hate, treaths, people who are happy that he ex husband kidnapped their daugher(that it's sick) but she was a bad influence on John and she is not a kind soul; he struggled with mental illness for all his wife, he lived as a reclusive for five years, she alieneted him from his son and oldest dear friend (let's thank May Pang a 22 years old girl for reperaing the riff! not a grown up woman as Yoko), she didn't permit the seventeen year son to take him his mother with him when the father died, she sold the letters of the son and so on. She is not the only person who contributes to break the beatles but make her a saint or a good person with strange quirky personality is absurd for me

I detest Lindsay Ellis and do not watch her content. She is frankly a hack who is only notable because she was a prominent figure on Web 1.0. She has terrible opinions about movies (she put out TWO REVIEWS of Disney's Hercules and they both managed to be incoherent with lots of whining about motown being on the soundtrack), she had to trade on her industry connections to get her stunningly mediocre book published (it earned those rejections fam) and now she makes her living as a mediocre Youtuber playing up nostalgia for millennials.

I have not seen her documentary and I'm not going to. Some of my friends watched it and confirmed that it's more drivel from someone who can't stop kissing Yoko Ono's ass. Apparently in the video she maligns May Pang as a scam artist in the same category as Albert Goldman and repeats a bunch of lies about Paul. None of that surprises me and I'm not giving her my views just to refute her lies that she reheated from other sources.

I don't hate Lindsay but the only reason anyone knows her name is because of Doug Walker and That Guy With The Glasses. Give me Linkara any day, he produces amazing analog horror now: Winter of '83. I would love to see Linkara make Beatles content because I know he would research the hell out of it and make videos about it that are accurate, entertaining and educational.

[yakult-noir]

Long Rant about Baldur's Gate 3

Content warning: intrusive thoughts mention, body image, very mild spoilers of act 3 (does not mention characters or specific events, only implies)

-

Honestly, playing Baldur's Gate 3 has helped me with a lot of issues that therapy failed to do. I'm playing two runs at the same time, one of which is the Dark Urge.

I am having so much fun playing the Dark Urge. Its helped me with my intrusive thoughts without me noticing. Whenever I struggled with intrusive thoughts, I couldn't push them away no matter how hard I tried, and it would always make them worse.

I sometimes felt horrible because of it even though I knew that wasn't my fault and doesn't say anything about what sort of person I am.

The Dark Urge struggles in trying to repress violent thoughts lest they act on them and commit atrocities. Intrusive thoughts aren't as dire in that you won't actually commit the atrocities in real life, but playing the Dark Urge helps cement that fact further.

And I'm not even getting to the companions yet. I struggle with the fear of what other people see me as. I try to appear as someone a bit different (personality wise) but struggle a lot when I make even a singular mistake or do something that makes me feel like an idiot.

The companions are still loved and still retain their image even though they sometimes make dumbass mistakes.

They've also helped me deal with the fear of getting older. I've never played games much where the main character/s are canonically in their late 30s to 50s. And the fact they're still made out as attractive is very reassuring.

I don't see that happen a lot, not without them trying to look as young as they can to be seen as attractive.

Overall, the companions feel so much more real and lifelike than a lot of other video game characters.

I don't exactly know why or even how to explain it, but I've never liked the idea of having a physical body.

I've always had a complicated relationship with how others view me and my own body image. I also struggle with trying to wrap my head around what's considered socially normal and feel completely detached from other people's experiences.

I can't actually 'feel' out my feelings without intellectualising them or comparing them to feelings of other people. I usually use the concept of other people as a rough template of how to do things and how to react. Things always feel complicated and 'too-real'.

If that makes sense. Like a realisation of "holy shit there are consequences? Do I have control? Is there a control? How do I avoid Bad Consequences? How do I react?"

Lowkey kinda feels like a child just testing out just doing things for the first time. Mind you, I do have a mental illness and have been kinda repressed for a bit of my life.

Any experience I have with doing daily life stuff or with relationships has been from reading about other people's experiences and noting down what to do and what not to do to become the Ultimate Perfect human being.

And that means I always feel uncomfortable with my body, talking about private things, even talking about supposedly 'risky' things that aren't even risky or shouldn't be seen as such (like menstruation, lingerie, clothing, weight fluctuation), wondering if I just did something socially taboo even if it's like an unspoken rule I've never heard of, and then wondering if I'm unpleasant company or a little too strange to hang around a lot.

So playing as the Dark Urge and romancing Astarion has actually helped a lot with discomfort in talking about random things in friendships and just feeling more comfortable being in my own body and having human experiences.

Especially since the companions just say whatever, and are even straight up rude and say things that wouldn't be socially acceptable in real life, but they're still liked.

I mentioned mental illness before, but Baldur's Gate 3 has some of the best representation about having ordinary experiences and consequences of being alive. I love how in the game, you have the option to help the companions the best you can, and no matter what, there is no closure. I haven't completed the game yet, so this is stuff I spoiled for myself.

Even if you get out of a difficult situation and learn there's a better way to live and do things, it's still horrible and painful and you're still not sure if you've done the right thing or not. You don't get any awards (that are obvious at least) for dealing with the problem you've faced most of your life.

You've still got to deal with your own emotional issues that are there as a result of the problem and that you will probably spend the rest of your life trying to deal with.

[obstinatecondolement]

Having kind of a post-NaNoWriMo dip in mood re: the fic groove I have been in tbh. (mental illness and insecurity bullshit, mensturation mention cw)

I do still feel Very Strongly about the ideas I have and I do want to write them/continue working on them in the case of the two WIPs I started this week, but without the external structure of the event it's harder to thinking about sustaining that, especially given that I was making so many glaring mistakes that I feel looked very amateurish (I know it's an amateur hobby, but whatever, I expect very ridiculously high standards of myself in almost everything that I would never hold anyone else to and it's always crushing when I inevitably fail to meet them, lol).

The things I was getting wrong were mostly basic spelling errors, using the wrong word in common phrases that turned things into the uncanny valley of that phrase that didn't not make sense but weren't how anyone would say that particular thing naturally, accidentally flipping word order (or not rephrasing the rest of a sentence properly after copying and pasting things around, etc.), and just, like ... random gibberish typos that only became obvious to me after I posted, despite trying really hard to self edit myself carefully.

It's very difficult for me to have the focus to be able to do that sort of detail oriented task when things are in fast-brain mode. And, like, attention to detail is something I am typically very good at, so it's deeply embarrassing to me, especially in a new fandom where I'm creating a first impression.

And like, more generally I also feel like the shine has kind of gone off me and, I know that this is just my literal mental illness distorting my perception of Everything, but it feels like the fandom is already kind of over me because I'm too much. This is all very much a me problem and I don't think it's true or that anyone has treated me badly or done anything that would reasonably create this impression to a person who was not Going Through It (hence the read-more and, like, also: if you are a recent Ghosts follower you have done nothing wrong and have been nothing but nice to me and I don't want you to reassure me*, I'm just insane and I need to get a grip/have serious mental health issues and need to be better at distress tolerance and not being so insecure in how I'm perceived and prone to assuming that people are sick of me.

But, anyway, I think that part of this is just like... also pretty normal? Hypomanic episodes can last up to months, but usually they do fizzle out much sooner than that for most people most of the time, so I think that I just have kind of run out of steam and now I'm going low again having been pretty high for a sustained two-ish weeks and the very obvious external end of the line signal given by NaNo ending has kind of naturally triggered that downturn.

And I am like, speaking pretty approximately here? I think I probably have mixed episodes more than pure hypomanic episodes, for the most part? But, yeah, I don't know. I think the rollercoaster is coming out of a corkscrew and it's just going down now. Which, you know, does suck but it also won't last forever, so that is some comfort. I also still think I might be premenstrual, which does fuck with my head a lot, so, y'know. TL;DR, I'll be fine, but I am having a hard time. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

*Like, genuinely, please don't. This is a Me problem and I think it would be bad both for me and for my relationships with others if I were to make the people around me feel that they had to constantly protect my feelings by showering me with attention and reassurance, or whatever. And also, like, I'd feel Very Bad if I thought other people felt guilted into doing that because I made a vent post about my irrational feelings that I know full well on an intellectual level are not reflecting an objective reality, because other people do not deserve to feel personally responsible for the bullshit my brain pulls on me.

[freedfromthegalactichivemind]

I think one of the things that disturbs me most about Spop fandom is the desire / need some people have to see characters punished?  I don’t know if this is a matter of something missing vs. what we got in the show vs. expectations for fiction / the way stories usually go or of this is some kind of more disturbing pent-up projection issue that a lot of people have.   I don’t know... it seems like we’re bred on media that has the whole “bad guy characters must be punished! Often with death!” Not even given “chance to rebuild or make amends” because it’s “never enough!” or “wasn’t done the right way! They needed to be hurt more!” and “If there is a redemption arc, they kind of have to be not-really-a-bad-guy to begin with and thus not *actually* be a villain!”  Or, sometimes (Kipo, I’m looking at you), a bad guy makes a genuine change in life and does start becoming a good person, but is also killed at the end because he used to be a bad guy and anyone who starts out as a bad guy deserves to die and/or be exiled and lonely / locked up forever / torture in some form / lose everything they love / something to happen to them. It seems to be what we are used to and what we expect, so if something subverts that expectation for a more grace-filled narrative, that fandom will become the worst fandom ever for people arguing with each other over it.  It seems like it happens a lot with progressive fandoms / progressive media, too.  It’s like we think we’re better than some of the old tropes, more into starting over, not holding to black and white morality, understanding what leads people to do the things that they do as far as mental illnesses and abuse cycles that we may have gone through in real life ourselves,  finding new ways of thinking and living, general compassion, but, nope... we get fans of something hung up on “characters must suffer” and they still want to see death / pain to the “bad guys,” or even someone who is overall good but made a few mistakes along the way.  (It honestly reminds me of some conservative media.  Back in my more crazy-religious days in my cringy, cringy youth, I read a few of the Left Behind books and among their many flaws was this relentless narrative punishment of one character for the grave “sin” of once being an adultery-temptation for the main character).  Dude, when Spop discourse reminds me of Left Behind, it’s time to step back.  (But maybe the LB stuff was more satisfying to its fans because it was canon).   If the narrative doesn’t punish a character “enough” in these fandoms (and who is to say what’s enough?  Character X could go to prison for the rest of their life and half of the fandom would  be pissed off that they were still ALIVE or went un-tortured, it would seem) some people just get up in arms about it.  

[musical-chick-13]

I understand the need to complain, so 7 and 12 for that violence ask game!

Thank you for your solidarity, I appreciate it. :)

7. What character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how how the fandom acts about them?

I answered this here. But I'll talk about another one. Ava from LoT. Like the previous answer, she was originally just kind of there to me. But I felt like she kind of took over the show, and I wasn't really happy with the development regarding her relationship with Sara (and apparently they decided they had to destroy Sara's friendship with Rip to make this ship happen? or something?), but I liked the other characters enough to just go, "Eh, not for me" and move on.

And then there were just...too many things I saw that bothered me. People tended to act like anyone calling Ava out was inherently...bad? I never really even saw a specific reason for this, it just seemed like people didn't want to admit a character in their preferred ship could make mistakes or be wrong. There was such a horrific level of biphobia I saw regarding Sara, too (which, big surprise, eventually spread to other characters who people wanted to be confirmed as not being straight onscreen). And like I mentioned before, Sara and Rip's working relationship got caught in the crossfire, and the things I saw from too many stans of this character about how horrible Rip was for basically...daring to ever be traumatized? Or how little sympathy they had for the show killing off a grieving, deeply hurting man with a thinly-veiled death wish/suicidal ideation just...really created some not-great associations regarding this character in my brain.

12. The unpopular character that you actually like and why more people should like them?

Lmao.

So Idk if y'all know this but I REALLY love Cersei Lannister, yeah, shocking, I know. I've talked about her at length, but she's my Ultimate Fave so I can't NOT mention her here. Her interior emotional world is so rich and layered that I learn new things about her (and, very frequently, about my own relationship to my mental illness) every time I think about her. All of her choices make sense narratively in accordance to what we know about her, even if they aren't good ones. Her mental illness and trauma seen as a tragedy worthy of sympathy, and it is her refusal to constructively deal with them and her insistence of externalizing her pain that leads to her horrible behavior toward others, not the presence of the mental illness or trauma itself. And like...yeah, we weren't supposed to root for her (even though I did because I'm me, lol), but we were supposed to feel for her. And she was allowed to continue to exist in the narrative. For better or worse, her story still mattered and was still worth telling, and, Idk, it was the first time I'd ever seen that being afforded to a mentally ill character. She processes everything in a very ugly way, that's not societally-palatable, and I cannot begin to tell you how utterly refreshing that was. She's capable of great love, but that love is tinged with all the negative and deeply unhealthy things she's held onto. She's a villain, but she is so clearly still a hurting person under there, grieving for all the things that were denied to her. Everything she does can be tied back to an overwhelming, all-consuming desire to Avoid Being Hurt Again. She keeps going out of spite. Her paranoia is understandable, but she deal with it in increasingly unhelpfully hostile ways. She flips between being cold and angry and sad and impulsive and even, occasionally, soft, and unlike usual ""evil queen"" archetype characters, she feels so much. She thinks love is literally being as close to same person as someone else as humanly possible. SHE KILLED A WHOLE MASS OF PEOPLE WHO WANTED TO RUIN HER, GOOD FOR HER. She's fascinating.

In the interest of saying something that's NOT repeating myself for the billionth time: Martha Jones from Doctor Who. Truly the most competent companion The Doctor ever had. She didn't suffer nonsense, she was INCREDIBLY resourceful and intelligent, she extended compassion to everyone she met, even those who could (or did) easily pose a hostile threat. She was the only companion in all of RTD or Moffat-era DW to leave completely on her own terms and break away from a lifestyle that was hurting her. The characters I love don't generally tend to be people I'd want to be like irl, but as a teenager, I wanted to be her when I grew up, and I still do. (Sadly, people are racist. And they couldn't get over the fact that she wasn't her predecessor, who was half of a fan-favorite ship involving the conventionally attractive white man. I'm still mad, I'll always be mad.)

I Choose Violence asks

[fizzingwizard]

why is a t-shirt more expensive if it doesn't have sleeves?? lol

buying my dad a birthday present and having my annual "I don't have a family anymore" breakdown :)

I actually think it would have been easier if my parents had separated when I was a kid. As an adult I have no footing to figure out how to be their kid anymore. It feels like we lived together under one roof for decades and are now complete strangers.

First my brother. dealing with his legitimate issues, pushed us all away, and now he only talks to my mom.

My mom separated from my dad also for legitimate reasons and is now living with her boyfriend.

My dad's pushed everyone who loves him away, which he thinks is because they can't handle his political views, but actually it's because he called them all stupid and idiotic to their faces. Multiple times.

Mental illness abounds. My dad won't see a therapist, he'll only see a family friend who believes some pretty hokey stuff about the mind and 'vibrations' etc. But I look at it as at least he's talking to someone. I may not understand her beliefs, but I do know her as a kind person, and if my dad feels comfortable confiding in her then the rest isn't my business. My dad has told me he thinks he has ADHD, depression, he blames it all on his own family life growing up, he recognizes his mistakes - but also he can't stop himself calling people stupid. He really tries when he talks to me though. I do think it's dementia or undiagnosed mental illness because at this point he spouts angry politics like a tic, anything triggers it, any alternative point of view or simple fact check is an attack, and he has to work really hard to rein himself in. But again, he does try with me.

My mom seems really happy and her boyfriend seems nice. I don't dislike him at all. But I feel like I understand the step kid reservations about the "replacement dad." I never did growing up. I just chalked it up to "feeling sad" but it's more than that, it's a future you thought you'd have with one person, instead of disappearing when that person does, continuing with an entirely different person. It's not bad of course. It's mostly good. But it's beyond sad at the same time. Someone was supposed to be there who isn't, even though they're still alive. Someone else is there instead.

Brother seems to be doing much better too. I'm not sure of the details but it sounds like he either officially has some sort of autism diagnosis, or has gathered enough evidence to self-diagnose. It sounds like he's made some supportive friends at his new job and is figuring things out, so that's great.

My dad is the hardest because I don't hear much good news from hi. I don't hear bad news either. I want to hear that he isn't alone all of the time. But realistically I think he's got to have trouble making new friends and being part of a community. He never had trouble doing that before, but his habit of complaining and talking politics constantly gets in the way now. When we talk he usually seems okay, right until he starts talking about our family and how things used to be, and then he starts to cry. So I really struggle through calls with him. Gotta do one today or tomorrow because it's his birthday and I'm so upset just thinking about it.

It's now been four years since my parents separated so you'd think stuff like that would be getting easier. I don't think it is for my dad. And for me, I just keep feeling like my mom's off living her life, my brother's off living his somewhere else, and my dad's living his in another somewhere else, and there's no longer any reason for all of us to be together again. I barely know them anymore.

Ironically I was the one who left first. Not that my staying would have changed anything, though. I just avoided home during what college breaks I could because of my brother's outbursts. I tried to get away. I was lucky that I was following my dreams. Since things started falling apart, I went to college, moved to Japan, got a job, met my boyfriend, and have just been living mostly happily. Idk why all the trouble happened around me instead of to me. I am grateful for it, but it also makes me feel like even more of an outsider.

Even when I was a kid, I didn't have the complaints that my brother did about our family or school or whatever. That doesn't mean his complaints aren't valid. It's a bit complicated but there's plenty of stuff that was messed up. Some of it affected only him. But what did affect me I guess just didn't bother me in the same way. I always felt like anything I didn't like would go away some day so I didn't worry about it. That's why I describe myself as an optimist even though I don't think that's people's impression of me when they meet me haha. But I have a weird optimism that just assumes any bad situation is going to work out. Right now my big fears are mostly about my dad being alone in his old age. I'm still thinking about what I should do. I don't have any money and I don't have a house. Even my apartment is a shoe box. I also live in a different country which my dad wouldn't like (just because he's very much a creature of habit and has never enjoyed things being different - food especially). I'm not in a situation where it's easy, or even possible, to just say come live with me. I'd probably have to leave Japan and go home. Which is something I always knew was possible when my parents got old. But I figured if that happened, I would have both parents living with me, not just one.

It could be good though. I just don't know how I'd do it. If I had to move home, I have no idea what that would mean for my boyfriend, who has never expressed an interest in even visiting the US, let alone living there. Having ties in different places feels like being made to decide who you love more.

[sadistic-softie]

The past and the future

People in my past have made me so afriad of the flaws I can't see but know I have. I was learning as alone as possible because the last time a flaw of mine was found (I used to be extremely people pleasing to the point where I couldn't say "no" to people, even if I really wanted to, and it lead to me being manipulated), it was exploited and used to demonize me and make me into a spectacle. I was punished for "allowing myself to be manipulated". I was demonized, ostracized, and alienated. It was made "morally ok" to spread rumors, lies, and general hatred about me among peers and even some of the school staff (and this was all in person. Not online as far as I know, so I couldn't just turn it off).

I also suspect there was a bit of homophobia and transphobia involved because of some fishy things going on. One of the people involved was directly related to a homophobic staff member, some of the rumors were looking a lot like what you usually see going around with the demonization of trans people, and also the fact that I had very recently come out as genderfluid. It bothers me, but I can't be certain if this targeting was homophobic or transphobic in nature. I just don't have enough evidence. Regardless, I was still a minor at that time, thus, the way it was handled is a little concerning to me, but I also don't believe this treatment of me would have been any more "ok" if it had happened to me at any age.

How am I expected to learn and grow if my inevitable mistakes are treated like unforgivable sin? If my ignorance is treated like murder?

How can I change for the better if my mistakes are met with cruelty and villainization instead of education?

Do you blame one who falls into a pit of spikes because they didn't recognize the pattern of leaves covering it? Is this fairness to you?

Because I am willing to learn, I must also be allowed to make mistakes along the way.

I am not perfect and I never will be. I am flawed like all the rest of us.

May I be a better and wiser person with each year of my life, and may others as well as my aging mind allow for this eternal growth until my death.

Self improvement is a task that will never be finished, but one I will strive to progress on always and forever, regardless of the fear of how my peers see my faliures. My confidence was stripped away, but I will be brave and it will return. I will make sure of it.

It is extremely hard to see yourself as anything but a bad person after defamation in what was your only community, even when you know what's being said is a lie. It doesn't stop you from being hurt when, every day, you walk alone through a building full of people you love and used to trust who now believe you are evil, disgusting, exploitable for gain/popularity, or just an idiotic lesser-than. The psychological damage is extensive.

I just hope I am offered the same compassion I offer those around me, and that, at the very least, this never happens to me again.

I know this happens to other people too. Especially people who are neurodivergent, mentally disabled, mentally ill, LGBTQIA+, people of color, people with all types of disorders both physical and mental, people with unpopular interests and stigmatized hobbies, people of different religions, people who post a lot online, and the list could go on. Bottom line is, it's not ok and I hate it. I;-'m fucking sick of it. We need compassion and empathy.

(This is about people from my life in-person, but I felt like people online could appreciate it too I guess)

[johanna-swann]

it would have just been easier to put “I haven’t paid any attention to Maddie’s arcs” than all of that because it sure as hell is convenient you left out the fact she got suspended and had to take compulsory therapy sessions or the fact that she was a nine year old grieving her brother and suffering intense mental child abuse and also that she left to commit suicide but I guess that would mean paying actual attention

I actually forgot about this ask because I went camping over the weekend and was offline for a couple of days, but the point I was making in the post this refers to was not "Maddie didn't suffer" or "Maddie is a bad person who hurts other people for no reason". My point was that when Maddie makes a mistake the resolution to those storylines is pretty much always "she's traumatised so it's not actually her fault".

When Eddie starts cage fighting we see him suffering, yet it's still framed as a mistake on his part and people are (rightfully) upset with him. When Buck sues the department and Bobby of course we sympathise with his situation, but it's still framed as a mistake that he made and is responsible for.

Characters make mistakes and of course their trauma influences them in the decisions they make, but those instances are very clearly framed as mistakes of their own making and they're frequently called out for their behaviour by other characters.

Maddie on the other hand is rarely shown to just have honest flaws, there's always a trauma behind every mistake she makes to which the blame is shifted. She's not held responsible like other characters usually are, the trauma made her do it.

[Even the stalking thing eventually shows how Maddie was somewhat right (the husband was extremely violent and the wife was incapable of leaving him) and it's actually a lucky coincedence Maddie got closer to the wife because she prevented a murder by being there. Also everyone is mostly concerned about Maddie instead of upset with her which fair enough, understandable reaction, but it still contributes to the pattern.]

My point, in short: Trauma and mental illness are not an excuse. They can be an explanation, but ill or traumatised people are still responsible for their actions and other people are allowed to be hurt by or angry about those actions. We see this in other storylines with other characters, but not really with Maddie. Her mistakes are to be forgiven because her trauma matters more than the other person's hurt feelings.

Again, this is not hate against the character, more a pattern in the writing I perceived as such. You don't have to agree with me.

[mrthoughtbubbles]

Most of the time, I am clueless when I get blamed for doing this or doing that, yet the only thing I did last year was to download photos so that I’ll be able to look at it offline because there are times wherein our internet is down that can last days...? I stopped going to the said website mid to late 2023, reformatted my computer that almost completely clean now, and I couldn’t even open my faulty external hard drive anymore,due to it being around 10 years old now... I just know something’s wrong when I get passive-aggressive jabs from everywhere I go online, YouTube, Tumblr, Instagram, 9gag, etc... and I know that I’m being constantly watched with whatever I do whenever I access the internet since October last year... I’m just following my daily routine, since having the said routine is keeping me sane because I know what will happen next, and I understand that I am boring because of it, but if you say that I’m the one doing it,editing photos, there shouldn’t be anything that came out in that time frame when you’re keeping an eye on me, yet there’s something that came out, I didn’t know what was happening until it came out in the news... I get parinig everywhere, yet I was clueless as to why, since I’m just following my usual routine...

I see a lot of ads that say everyone can use photoshop. It’s true that I tried to study the basics of GIMP around 2020. I know this because the tutorial is still in my youtube playlist, but when I got overwhelmed and felt that I couldn’t keep up, I stopped trying to study gimp altogether... I understand that I need to work on my fear of being overwhelmed with information, and I’m trying to overcome that now...

Please, try to put yourself in my shoes... You’re tracked 24/7, you are clueless when you get parinig and being blamed for doing this and doing that, your mental health is deteriorating, your physical health is affected, your diagnosed with psoriasis, a hereditary illness triggered by wounds or stress, your medicine dosage is increased all because you wanted to have some access to photos when your internet is down... I feel that the punishment given to me is overkill, to say the least... Also, I hope that you won’t put meaning in everything I do. Sometimes, I just watch videos for the sake of watching...

It is true that I watch porn, but I do so to control my hornyness...I admit I’m a virgin, but it’s out of choice, since I don’t want to have kids outside of marriage... I don’t want my kid to feel what I feel since mama and papa aren’t married...

Maybe you think that I used AI, I tried to use chatgpt, but when I tried to use it before, It says that they restrict the use in my country, maybe due to traffic coming from my country... I used edge to test what it feels to use AI and asked to define a subject that I find to be really hard, calculus... (The bane of my existence, back in the day...)I tested black box AI, which helps with codes, but I found it, as well as coding, to be daunting so I stopped studying coding again... That’s my history of AI... I understand that I’m lagging behind when it comes to technology, but since I see AI being thrown a lot on the channels I follow, I’m terrified to use it now, just like I’m terrified of going back to fapello and thotslife...

With regard to remorse, I do feel it... I tried to put myself in the shoes of ladies that get their edited photos shared across the internet without their approval, and if it were to happen to me, I wouldn’t like it as well, and so, I promised not to go to the said websites I said earlier, since my transgression came from those websites...

Just like my mistakes in the past, I kept asking myself and mama if I’m a bad person for the mistakes I’ve made, and I guess, just like yin and yang, a person can never be fully good and a person can never be fully bad. Sometimes good people make mistakes and sometimes bad people do good deeds. So, I guess it’s all about one’s perception of who you think you are...

[fleshmechsystem]

Usually I wouldn't really write a tumblr blog as I try to deal with my thoughts on my own and often push them aside but, I feel the need to write this out.

I have had an odd week to say the least, I temporarily dated someone new again only for me to end it in hopes that it wouldn't hurt the person in the other side for feeling numb as they put it.

It was definitely an infatuation for both our sides but doing that did hurt. The relationship was definitely sexual. But in the end we're still in good terms since I do enjoy them nerding out on their favorite games and other things we got along with in the first place, besides I could still love a person without it being romantic necessarily, although it did still hurt a little bit.

I already mentioned this venting somewhere but I or at least a splitted part of myself if I can recall basically try to push the feeling aside and ignore it, saying something like "I'm repeating the same mistakes Cal made, I'm a moron for writing a wall of text" of course it's still me, completely unaware about what I'm currently feeling.

I'm aware one of my if I could even call them that anymore "friends" might read this and to that I'd say this was the reason I probably asked about Cal's previous mental state.

There's also the fact I feel this cold feeling from everyone else. I act like I'm familiar with these people but in reality is that I'm merely living with transfered memories. I know you're reading this, I can assure you I don't blame you for feeling awful that Cal will never come back. They won't.

Even if their memories begin to plague me. Although there are positives about having someone else's or previous versions of myself before the fusion happened, I remember my childhood memories with my sister within the system. As you know Max was a part of me as well. At least the base making up the fusion. It's where I got my tenacity and patience from. I'm often determined and stubborn as well.

Those memories are pleasant, despite the one memory of hearing my parents argue downstairs which caused me to feel upset.

I accept that whatever sadness there is to my situation is only a small problem. I know in the future I will be able to move on and live as myself, Patch.

I'll try to remember Max's memories instead of Cal's because it seems to always bring a positive reaction out of me. Sometimes I still do talk to my supposed sister even if I'm technically a different person and a girl now.

Despite not being familiar with the concept of transger related things about myself, she quickly picked up on it while I educated her. I do enjoy the occasional moments I see her.

It's odd that I feel indifferent to the vessel's sister on the outside compared to my sister within but I do see them as an acquittance like any other person Cal knew quite honestly. The parents seem nice but I feel a sense of not trusting them. I refuse to read any of Cal's old post, it might bring back bad memories if I did.

I know it will get better, I've lived through a stressful week before and this is just a simple one. For awhile I was having issues with my emotions, currently I still am as I experienced feeling ill due to how overwhelming fusing and unfusing became earlier.

I had to explain I was feeling a sort of mental pain but it quickly started to manifest physically as the others had to assist me partially just to get me home.

I feel disconnected from everyone right now in a literal sense. Even Riley. I wouldn't say this is a curse, this is definitely just depression which I will take seriously.

As much as I want to be honest with my feelings. I just want support and care. I don't like the cold feeling I get from people even if I did at one point hinted that I might be a sociopath, psychopath or just nuerodivergent and unable to properly feel anything, it's probably just disassociation to stress and trying to cope with it.

In the end I do have hopes that this will get better. But I'm not sure about the old relationships Cal has built throughout their life.

I feel the need to just leave these people behind and move on, but I don't want to be lonely. I thrive from being surrounded by other people and feeling alone is a nightmare... Please don't leave me.

I know this is just a rambling of a headmate as per usual but I haven't had the time to properly express this pain.

It will end, I'm hopeful it will but right now it hurts. All of it.

-Patch

[dumbbitchfrommars]

should i be getting rid of his stuff?? somehow i feel his energy is around me if i keep it. i can feel his presence all the time. like im lowkey obsessing over the thought/idea of him. its understandable and im not upset over it, he was genuinely the best i ever had. ive said this multiple times now. its not a huge deal, cause its only up from here. and he wont be the best forever. but like its a shift. a positive shift in my standards for men.

ive always said i need to experience things to really learn and the consequence of a mistake leaves me with the gift of wisdom and knowledge. so ill never regret it. but yeah... im done. so i should probably get rid of his stuff?

its crazy how much energy can stick. its literally like something is compelling me to attach to him. something so addictive and hard to resist? like almost like magic? its strange. i only knew this man so briefly and im completely sucked in. like no one ive ever experienced before.

maybe its BECAUSE it was so brief that im so addicted? it was so long ago but i cant forget. everything is so incredibly vivid in my memory. it was so exciting, like being with him was so magnetic and our energies literally bounced off eachother. like what? was that lovebombing ? it felt so real and unlike something ive had with someone.... actually, i did with my ex. i think something like it. could it be something in me changed? no. he brought that side out in me. but not many guys can...

hmm. im starting to rethink ghosting him so soon. but he was ignoring me for days! no. hes not the idea you have of him. he switched up. no grown man does that to a girl he cares about. also, hes all of 24 and doesnt know that being that kind of guy is so fucking cringe and going to leave you single for longer??? but then i come back around to my main, anxious, pointless idea - maybe he never intended to be in a relationship, and had some desire to know (insecure?) that i WOULD be in a relationship with him, and after achieving getting me to come around - manipulating me? playing me - just lost interest? textbook time waster. and then that brings me to the idea that what kind of person finds satisfaction in that? like how mentally ill can you be?? then i feel bad for him. cause thats so sad...

im literally so happy and abundant and radiant on my own, that i think guys think using their usual tactics and playing games somehow works in claiming that energy for themself. the reality is, they'll feel it for a split second, and once i leave, theyll never forget how they fumbled the most authentic person theyll probably ever meet or have the privilege of knowing. you cant steal my personality and my energy for yourself. i am smarter than that now. i know im an earth angel and my energy is so precious for the people who do matter.

you hurt me but youre only helping me in calling in the next lesson in for my growth.

okay i went on a stoned tangent there.

another interesting thing about this situation is the typical flashbacks to my ex that i get after a failed relationship. its really unlikely hed still have the exact same personality as the guy i dated, but the way we connected at the time still feels very profound and unlike any relationship i have had since. like pivotal in my development.

my heart was fully open and i was all in with him. and he was with me. like... thats crazy. and the way we'd be playful with eachother... it was amazing.

and then i meet this guy, and in one hour he has established that comfortable, flirty, playful banter between us so authentically. and by the next morning he made me feel comfortable enough to do the most crazy things in bed with him. reading that back sounds like a red flag. i dont know. it was fun.

maybe i need to consider why the fuck i am so attracted to toxicity, if that is the case and i just happened to ignore a billion red flags. i need to debrief with chloe to find out if this is true.

its not a redflag! it was fun. it was everything i needed it to be. it was everything that happened after we separated that was the red flag. im kind of just glad he was normal while we were together so i could enjoy the fun of it.

this has been a riveting, worthwhile experience.

one of my core memories is watching a late night movie as a child on a random channel where a writer was cheating on her husband with another married couple where there was a specific scene of the other man upset at her because writers care about experiences/their writing more than other people.

ever since that day... i feel like thats been central in my life. i really just was to be confident and comfortable in myself enough to do anything that will thicken the plot, or give me more understanding about life. any crazy thing. any rebellious thing. anything that might be disapproved of. because i can.

i did it because i could and it was a once in a lifetime opportunity. and it ended up being a once in a lifetime experience. and im glad it gets to stay perfect in its little bubble of one random weekend at the end of spring...

anyways. fucking hell girl. GIRL , MOVE ON!!!! in my sassy mans words, move on.

[midyearflowers]

hope the cut works on mobile

but god i am having such a bad time rn its not even funny. im trying to just take things one day at a time but i just cant anymore and the way the world is i cant really afford to not consider the future. i feel like such a broken failure of a person who is too stupid to do life properly and too naive and privileged and the most minor things send me into a spiral. i just feel like shit all the time and i keep making stupid choices cause i have no impulse control and never learned discipline so i just keep fucking up and doing dumb shit and making mistakes that i beat myself up over cause i just cant seem to fucking learn or control myself. then i look and feel like an idiot for complaining even tho its either my fault or most people have it so much worse than me so then i feel bad about being affected by it. i dont have any energy or drive and any joy i feel is so short lived its not even worth it anymore so i just keep wasting time and wasting away cause i just cannot put forth any more effort cause my brain doesnt fucking work right. im just terrified of the future, im terrified of the present, i dont know what im doing ever and i just cant seem to cope anymore. im trying to stay positive and take it easy so i dont make stress decisions but im struggling. all my negative thoughts have come back in full force and they even get me during the day when im busy. ive come close to relapsing in self harm way too often and the passive suicidal thoughts, especially when im driving, are just fucking awful and its almost like my brain knows its own tactics so my usual ways of getting out of the spiral arent as effective anymore. im fucking scared sometimes like i dont want to go down that road again i dont want any of this but its like i have no control anymore. like im on auto pilot and shutting down at the same time and trapped watching this bullshit mental illness ruin my life. i did my time as an unstable teenager i dont need this right now or ever again. i finally got to a place where i can appreciate being alive and feeling happy and then the rug got pulled out from under me and theres nothing i can do about it. i just know how easy it is for me to regress and if its bad now itll be so much worse if i do. i reached the surface but if i go under again i dont know if ill be able to make it up again. i have to just keep going no matter what but its hard and im tired but i cant and wont give up but my god i need something to give

[thewritingcoroner]

Not to be boomer on main but I really do fear for what the internet and current internet culture is doing to us as a society.

At risk of exposing myself as a human being and thus ultimately vulnerable to propaganda and manipulation, the concept of callout culture is really doing a number on young people in general, and especially those of us with mental illnesses (AKA a particularly vulnerable portion of the population, especially to those who wish to manipulate and exploit us).

The concept of a callout seems reasonable on the surface, but ultimately it's a manipulation tool and it's a dangerous one that I've seen have a direct impact on my life by ruining (and attempting to ruin) relationships of mine with the purpose of control. A callout is supposed to warn people right? Warn people that the person they are interacting with is a wolf in disguise, secretly a bad person and here's why. But like, many callouts, as many before me have stated many times, are often subjective, exaggerated, and sometimes completely made up. Besides, a callout is not actually a warning signal. It's a virtue signal that the person posting is a good guy, and the callout victim is a bad guy, and that we should shun, isolate, and harass lest we be guilty by association.

And it's one thing to be worried about online harassment. But I'm seeing in the youth and in my own social circles as well. We are forcibly eliminating the concept of flawed humanity from our social lexicon. This will be colored a lot by my personal experience with an abusive partner, but they utilized this technique frequently in order to isolate me from my friends, and then blame me for my isolation.

When someone makes a mistake, no matter how intentional or grievous, that goes onto the callout list of "things they did wrong/things that make them wrong" and as proof of their inherent moral failure. When my partner would get upset with one of my friends (usually when they disagreed with him or did something he didn't like) he would go on and on to me about all of the things they did wrong as "proof of their flaws." It was less about proving to me that they make mistakes sometimes (I never believed my friends were perfect) and more about proving that they were bad at their core, and that I should tread carefully or I may make the same mistakes and become bad myself. As an unmedicated, mentally ill young person, I was especially vulnerable to this mentality and it led me to cut off or distance myself from literally all of my friends except for one. That last friend only made it through not because my ex didn't try, but because my friend was particularly stubborn and insistent that he remained in my life. And I am forever grateful to that friend because I would likely be dead now if he wasn't so steadfast in his love.

I'm seeing the same thing happen to my 15yo brother and his friends. I can't imagine it's just us. I really really fear for the larger ramifications of this mentality and culture shift within our society as those of us raised on the internet come of age. It's so dangerous, and we are ALL vulnerable to this. Yes, even you.