#and this mindset about post notes might just be anxiety

[toomanystoriessolittletime]

How did it end?

Summary: A flashback to the night that changed your lives forever.

Pairing: past Joel Miller x fem. reader

Wordcount: 2.4k

Rating: T

Warnings: angst (so much angst), flashbacks, some really hurtful words, cursing, crying, pregnancy tests, Joel being a dick, Calvin being the best supportive brother

A/N: somehow I feel in my mind like this should have been worse, but I am sure you all do not feel like that at all so I'm sorry lol

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part three of invisible string

Even before the outbreak you dealt with your anxiety or with big life decisions the same way.

You were stress cleaning. 

After walking out from Joel you made your way into the town centre, picking up your kids and then got back home where your brother Calvin was already trying to cook something but you mutually made the decision that you were gonna cook while he bathed the kids. 

You both did not want him to burn the house down.

He wanted to ask you how it went, having run into Maria on his way home from the Patrol meeting, who had told her that you had been at the clinic to see Joel. 

But this wasn’t the time or the place. 

It ended up being a nice evening all things considered. 

You had dinner, played some boardgames, read a good night stories to your kids and watched them sleep in their little beds until the nervous energy in your body left you walking back downstairs.

Once the house got quiet after the kids and you brother were asleep (he had an early morning with his first big day on Patrol the next day) you were alone with your thoughts. 

And your thoughts were loud, and demanded to be heard. 

So you went into the kitchen, took a look at all the cleaning supplies that were still stocked under the kitchen sink and got to work. 

You started with the top of the kitchen cabinets, standing on the counter as you scrubbed what felt like centuries of dust off of them until you were satisfied and moved to inside the cabinets. 

What a picture it would be if one of your new neighbours caught the crazy lady next door deep cleaning the kitchen at 2 am during the literal apocalypse.

Cleaning usually had the power to make the thoughts inside your head shut up. 

But as you emptied the cabinets so you could clean them inside, your mind drifted to the last time you had tried to deal with whatever was going on in your life by extensively deep cleaning every surface around you. 

The Outbreak might have been an excuse for many people to let things like cleaning the place where they lived become unimportant. 

Which deep down it was of course.

Why have a clean kitchen when just down the street, behind the fences and walls the so called new government had pulled up, there were people and what once were people dying or fighting (or eating) each other?

But you always lived by the mindset of clean home, clean mind. 

And what you desperately needed right now was a clean mind. 

Two ten year old positive pregnancy tests you took this morning after feeling off for the last couple of weeks and missing you period were enough reason to freak out. 

But you couldn’t freak out. 

Joel would do that for you, you were sure. 

That was, if he ever decided to come home to you again after being on a run with Tess for the last four days. 

He hadn’t even told you or kissed you goodbye this time. 

You had woken up to a note on the kitchen table telling you that he’d be gone on a run with Tess and he didn’t know how long.

Something about your husband had changed in the last few months. 

It changed ever since Tommy left and Tess was his only influence outside of you. Not that you had much influence on anything he did nowadays. 

It wasn’t like he was the most attentive men to begin with. 

But you fell for him. 

You fell for the complicated, traumatised and closed off man who to this day was the most handsome man you had ever met. 

And deep down you knew he fell for you, mumbling his confessions of love into your skin when he thought you were asleep. 

It was the way he looked at you. 

The way he brought home a new book to read whenever he went out of the QZ. 

The way he made you forget about the fucked up word outside of the walls you made your home whenever he gave you his full attention. 

He wouldn’t have put a ring on your finger years earlier as you laid in his arms, asking you to be his until the day you both died, if he did not love you, would he?

You loved him, you loved him even when he seemed to make it his personal goal to make you hate him. 

He used to be home every night in the beginning. 

He used to love to spend time with you and you with him. Staying up just talking for hours if he wasn’t making love to you. 

Because even when he was fucking you, it felt different. More… intense. More passionate.  

He used to smile at you. 

By now you couldn’t remember the last time he smiled at you now. 

And by the time you had practically polished the whole shitty apartment you and Joel lived in it was dark outside and he still wasn’t home. 

In hopes he would be home and it would lift his mood you had made dinner that now sat cold on the stove.

It was after 11pm and you were tired, having been in the bathroom brushing your teeth when you heard the door unlock and open. 

A nervous flutter in your stomach made the dinner you had earlier almost come up but you took a deep breath, looking at yourself in the small mirror over the sink. 

You were wearing one of Joel’s old worn flannels, his familiar scent in your nose. 

What was the worst that could happen?

It was not like you could just turn back time?

You were pregnant and he just would have to deal with it. 

Right?

You would never forget the way his eyes hardened once you said the words

„I am pregnant.“

He had been in a relatively good mood when you joined him in the small kitchen, having already taken his shoes and coat off, his hair damp from the rain outside. 

It made you reconsider telling him for a tiny moment, wanting to just enjoy this with him. But maybe he would not react like you thought he would? Maybe he would be happy?

You wanted to ask a million question about how it went but you were too nervous, having instead kissed his cheek with a whispered „I miss you“ and then offered to warm up some food for him. 

He had put his hand on your waist, his fingers brushing over your stomach as he went into the bathroom, his lips against your temple telling you that he would just take a quick shower. 

It was after he ate, the table cleaned that you told him. 

Sitting across from him at the tiny shitty table you had, your hands flat on the surface, the silence after you told him the news sickening.

His whole face had changed, expression hard, by the time he opened his mouth to speak. 

„Is it mine?“ He asked and you just blinked at him, speechless, your head falling back as if he had slapped you, before you answered. 

„What do you mean? Who else would it be? We’re married,“ you said and he scoffed. 

„Doesn’t mean you don’t open your legs for anyone else while I’m gone,“ he sneered and you flinched at the accusation and the tone he used. 

Sucking your bottom lip in you looked at your hands, still on the table, nodding your head slowly. 

„Good to know what you think of me after all these years,“ you whispered, still trying to process his words. 

„What did you think would happen? That I’ll be happy? Newsflash darlin’, this isn’t one of your dumb romance novels you keep reading,“ he said, before he brought his fist down on the table, making you jump. He got up from where he was sitting, walking over to the cabinet that held all the liquor he scavenged, opening the one bottle of original Jack Daniel’s and taking a long sip. 

„You gonna get rid of it,“ he said and you looked at him. 

„Excuse me?“ You asked. 

„Don’t want no kids of mine in this fucked up world. And especially not with you,“ he said and you felt slapped again. One blow after the next coming from him. You crossed your arms in front of your stomach protectively. 

You had imagined his reaction would be bad, but this wasn’t bad. This was destroying you.

„So that’s it, you don’t want a kid, and I have to just comply?“

„That’s exactly how it is, sweetheart,“ he grinned darkly at you, shaking his head and leaning against the wall and you desperately tried to find the tiniest part of the person you had fallen in love with as you looked at him. 

But there was nothing left. 

Maybe you just had been too blind to see it until now.

„I thought you loved me,“ you whispered, tears in your eyes. 

„How can someone love you? You thought because I put a ring on your finger everything would be okay? We’d be a happy little family and live in this shitty apartment in this shitty QZ while the world around us is fucking dying? How did you think this would go?“ He asked. 

„You made it sound like I planned this. Do you think I like this? Do you think I like being pregnant by a man who even though treated me like the fucking dirt beneath his shoes for the last months, was still the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with?“ 

„Then get rid of it and we can get back to it,“ he said and you scoffed.

„You really think things are gonna get back to how they were after you said all that?“ You asked. 

He shrugged. 

„Where would you go? You have no family. No friends. All you have is me,“ he said. 

„And you’re so different? Who do you have? Tommy left because…“

„Do not talk about my brother,“ he threatened and glared at you. 

You shook your head, taking a deep breath. 

He was drunk. 

This was not going anywhere. 

This would never go anywhere.

„Things are not going to go back. I can find someone better than you on every corner,“ he said and you could not stop the sob that shook your body and you were pretty sure you could hear your heart breaking. 

„I don’t love you. I never did,“ he said and the tears you had tried to hold in finally fell. 

„Get rid of this, before I take care of it,“ he said, and a chill ran down your spine at his tone. 

„And then get the fuck out of my life.“

You were in the last touches of finishing cleaning the kitchen when you heard footsteps coming down the stairs. 

You hadn’t even noticed the tears until Calvin pulled against his chest, his hand running soothingly up and down your back. 

„You wanna talk about it?“ He asked and you shook your head. 

„Not yet. Not ever if I’m honest,“ you mumbled and he chuckled. 

„Need to talk to him though,“ you said and leaned back, turning around to turn on the stove to heat up some water and make some tea for the both of you. Looking at the clock hanging on the wall you noticed that it was just before 5 am. 

„Don’t need to do anything,“ he said and opened the fridge, getting the lunch he had prepared the day before for his day out and grabbing some stuff to make himself a sandwich. 

„I can’t ignore him forever. As much as I would like to. He’s…. He’s here and he won’t go anywhere. Neither will we. So we have to…. Co-exist somehow.“

You both get to your tasks before you both sat down at the table, you with two mugs of tea, one for him, him with two sandwiches, one which he pushed towards you. 

„You still love him,“ your brother said after a while and you sighed, looking up at him. 

„Yeah. But it doesn’t matter. I don’t think I’l ever be able to forgive him for everything that happened,“ you smiled sadly. 

„Well,“ your brother said before he got up and put his plate in the sink.

„Then you should talk to him and tell him that so you can both move on with your lives.“

You followed him towards the front of the house where he put his shoes on and checked if he had everything in his little backpack for this first patrol. 

„What if he wants to be in their lives?“ You asked, nodding upstairs to where both your children were still sleeping. 

„Do you think he wants to? He made himself pretty clear from what you’ve told me,“ Calvin said. 

„I don’t know. It’s been a long time and he seemed…. He seemed really sorry? I just….“ You took a deep breath, shaking your head.

„Nope. I am not gonna spend any more time thinking about Joel Miller. I’m gonna go upstairs and take a two hour nap and then I’m gonna go and explore our new home while my children are learning stuff in an actual school,“ you said. 

„There you go!“ Calvin grinned.

„Be safe today!“ You said, grinning back and hugged him quickly. 

„You too,“ he smiled, before he opened the door, your face falling as you saw Joel stand on the porch, his hand held up in a fist as if he was about to knock. 

„I’m here to pick you up for patrol? Tommy’s gotta stay home today,“ Joel said as he looked between you and your brother. 

„Well that is gonna be fun,“ Calvin said, winking at you, before he stepped out and pulled the door shut behind him, giving Joel no chance to try to say anything more if he wanted to.

You watched them through the window next to the door as they walked down the porch and then down the street until they were out of sight. 

Letting your shoulders fall while you exhaled with a sigh you shook your head before you made your way upstairs. 

This was gonna be a long day. 

[pinkpigtailsprincess]

💿: Hey, U-Go-Girl⋆.ೃ࿔* 🎀⭐️

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₊˚💿✩; Hey Dolls 2Day we’re gonna be talking about building self confidence/ self esteem and embracing your natural self!! this post is heavily inspired by U-Go-Girl By Lee Hyori Bc honestly that song literally screams CONFIDENCE!! {Long Post Ahead}

DISCLAIMER !! some of this stuff might mo resonate with some folk because of certain circumstances like social anxiety i know bc i literally have social anxiety + agoraphobia and these are also some things ive done to cope with anxiety and stuff like that so don’t even!

⋆🎀˚⊹ PILE 1 ;

Internal > Looking the Part > Baby Steps > Take Up Space > affirmations > body language > Embarrassment

⋆👖˚⊹ PILE 2 ;

External > Cutting People off > Opinions > being desperate > boundaries > compete with your self

₊˚🌺✩ ₊˚⭐️⊹♡ ˚ ༘ ೀ⋆｡˚

₊˚🪼✩ 1; Looking The Part !! ୭₊˚

When you Look good you feel good!! it doesn’t matter what you look like when you’re put together + confident you’re automatically attractive!! 🎀 4 instants everyday even on lazy days always make sure you’re

Showered

Hair Put together

a cute outfit that YOU like

clean nails

fresh breathe

clean skin

moisturized + smelling AMAZING!!

Hot Tips ! ;

when it comes to Hair + Skincare + Oral Hygiene & Outfit personally i recommend Hair > Oral Hygiene > Outfit because when it comes to hair care certain products in your hair product can also have an affect on your skin and when brushing your teeth + mouth wash and scrubbing toothpaste get all over your mouth and water its messy!

₊˚📟✩ 2 ; Baby Steps !! ୭₊˚

For all my folks out there who are shy/have social anxiety/introverted or just need to get out more baby steps is the way to do it i learned this from the therapist so basically i rank things from least to most anxiety inducing (?) like sitting outside or something and i do the smallest task for about how ever long i possibly can and i keep doing it till i progress and start doing harder things !!

₊˚ 🍭✩3 ; Take up Too much Space !! ୭₊˚ (The wizard Liz Inspired)

Never dim your light to make others comfortable when it comes to confidence and being yourself you gotta be unapologetic about it!! you focus should never be on other people and how they perceive you , that literally none of your business and that’s literally a waste of time and draining your own happiness So where that dress,style your hair this way,showcase your true self and fuck how other people feel that a THEM Problem not Yours!!

₊˚ 💬✩4 ; Affirmations !! ୭₊˚

Affirmations Baby!!! Having daily affirmations is a MUST!! not only boost your self esteem and confidence but they will also bring you out of the mindset that your “below the bar” & help you validate yourself without needing outside opinions!!

What i like 2 do it is keep set of daily affirmations i repeat when i wake up & throughout the day and i like to put them all around my space like put sticky notes of mirrors,keep pinterest boards of affirmations,repeat then while getting ready,making a self concept playlist full of songs that make me feel my best etc.!! (P.S Affirmations tapes are TOP TIER)

. . . DYK?

The kinds of media you consumer can sometimes affect your over all mood,self image & mentality so be mindful of the media you consume when it comes to any form of media !!

₊˚ 🍋‍🟩✩5 ; Body Language!! ୭₊˚

SUPER IMPORTANT!! wether you’re in an active conversation or just walking down the street body language will play a huge role in not only how you feel but will also help you be confident & have people be more attracted to your energy

so what were gonna do is swap all of the awkward body language and swap them out!

Tense Shoulders > Drop & relax your shoulders and put them back

Looking down when walking > Hold your head up head

Slouching > Stop slouching and Keep your make straight

When you wave don’t shake your palm > use your 3 fingers in the middle to wave in an half way down and up motion

Sit in the Duchess Pose basically it putting both of your legs together and slant them 2 the right diagonally !!

STRUT YOUR STUFF!! I can’t stress this enough a good runway strut is always on your side i promise you this!! you gotta act like your a famous super model like naomi,shalom,yasmeen,linda etc. you gotta act like your opening for a runway or something and just be FABULOUS!!

₊˚ 🏩 ✩6 ; Embarrassment !! ୭₊˚

I Fully believe embarrassment is a SOCIAL CONSTRUCT like people who are consider “embarrassing” are literally just being themselves and when people see a person being themself they can’t handle and feel this dire urge to “humble” them and

An example of this comes from one of my favorite movies Legally Blonde!! when elle first stepped foot on Harvard campus people were automatically on her tail for just being herself and what did she do?? NOTHING. and thats exactly what you gotta do view their opinion as INVALID and keep doing you!

“Out of Sight Out of Mind”

Hey! You made it to pile 2 Lucky You!

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⋆.˚ ᡣ𐭩 Cutting People Off .𖥔˚ 🐬

SPOILER ALERT!! The people you surround yourself with can definitely play a role in how you perceive yourself,your individual opinions,how you think & behavioral action due to peer pressure, sometimes toxic people can seep into your social circle and you might no even notice it

Signs You need to cut someone off!

- never supporting you

- repeating the same toxic behavior

- never being happy for you

- copying everything you do

- never fully apologizing

- trying to bring you down for literally anything

- talking behind your back

- trying to leave you out

- is hypocritical towards you

- is in competition with you

⋆.˚ ᡣ𐭩 Opinions! .𖥔˚ 👙

Again like i said people opinions on you is not a you problem its a them problem especially if it’s a negative opinion it doesn’t matter you don’t need to explain yourself to anyone especially not someone who won’t even take the time to know you before making up stupid assumptions! and you sure al hell don’t need to change to fit in with anyone , you were meant to stand put and thats okay

“No Problem i don’t care You’re you I’m me” - Jang Wonyoung

⋆.˚ ᡣ𐭩 Being Desperate.𖥔˚ 🪸

OH GIRL!! Being desperate is embarrassing for you especially if it’s over someone you have romantic interest in unt unt that simply won’t fly with me! if they’re ghosting you,being inconsistent,telling you one thing but acting another way etc. don’t be desperate for someone like that you deserve someone better! people like this probably don’t care and its silly of you to be desperate for their attention & you’re far too special for that

⋆.˚ ᡣ𐭩 Boundaries .𖥔˚ 🛍️

Always have boundaries and never let anyone over step them, if you set a boundaries in a friendship and they keep crossing that boundaries they don’t care about your boundaries don’t let someone continue to disrespect you & your boundaries

HOT TIP . . .

Don’t laugh at jokes that are at your expense

If someone is trying to embarrass you be upfront with them and tell them how you feel

⋆.˚ ᡣ𐭩 Compete with yourself .𖥔˚ 🌤️

See yourself as your only competition always try to out do yourself not matter what in any category even if its doing something productive one day to have a better day than you did yesterday i adapt this mindset with my blog and my self improvement i need to out do myself all the time im the only person i need to compete with!!

[a-d-nox]

pac/pap: what is the energy that surrounds you and how can you best protect your energy?

take what resonates leave what doesn't - nothing is 100% for you because these aren't personalized so please no angry comments or dms about what i am saying not being a good fit for you or that you "don't claim" just keep scrolling if that is the case. be kind, self reflect, and have fun.

last pac/pap: what happens when you take actions on your dreams?

masterlist of pap/pac posts

want a personal reading? click here to check out my reading options and prices!

pile 1

energy around you: i sense that you are healing from something. i actually feel proud of you, pulling this card - you seem hopeful that things are changing for the better, and they truly are. you feel inspired again - i encourage you to create again. i feel like you write or paint? so by all mean - have at it, the block is over. the mental health struggles are getting better and you are currently on the right track so keep it up! keep healing; keep growing.

how to protect your energy: you're energy is extremely sensitive right now. i sense that you feel antagonized by someone at this moment - perhaps by the person you are healing from or someone is poking at you and the mental wounds you are healing. think ethically - would confrontation or defensive remarks make the situation better or worse? perhaps remember that they too are likely going through something. why worsen their possible situation? note that no matter what you do, there is a chance for "difficulties" and "strain" to arise. be the bigger person.

pile 2

energy around you: you are starting the process of a spiritual awakening. know that to continue moving forward and "awakening" you must acknowledge and accept the past for what it is - the past. release any resentment you have and move forward - you do not have to forgive anyone face-to-face you can simply do so on you own. do what you must so you can move forward and not feel held back by the past. your future is bright - no need to dwell in the dust and dark of the past. put your energy into noticing signs from the universe (perhaps practice some shuffle-mancy - put a playlist on shuffle and listen to the first song's lyrics for your message). try not to be too tough on yourself as you let go of the past and embrace the future.

how to protect your energy: as i said before you are a strong person with a bright future, so i trust that you will do what you must - if you see something must be done, take action and do it. connect with your inner authority - protect your inner child, if you are forgiving someone face to face actively remember that your inner child still exists. going face to face with someone who brings you trauma or anxiety does cause age regression in some cases - acknowledge your younger self and remember the growth you have done. you have the ability to protect that inner child. remember to think beyond just yourself - it might not be worth digging up the past when we have presently gone so far. additionally advised: practice self-empowering mantras and affirmations.

pile 3

energy around you: you are moving into a gaining cycle - do not linger on previous fears of challenge and loss but at the same time learn to show gratitude for what is about to come into you life. recall your previous beliefs in change and now rewrite it to see it as a warning that things do change and you can experience loss again. something i sense you should work on is focusing on the spiritual world rather than the material one. you are a clever person, which is not something that can be quantified so stop trying to show everyone what you are instead simply being what you are. if you are dealing with health woes at the moment - try to ground your mindset into that of healing into of suffering. live life as though it could be worse and as though it could be better, instead of taking it for granted that you are "stabilized/stabilizing" because change is inevitable.

how to protect your energy: be generous. the best way to promote your new found prosperity and gains are to model how you wish to be treated and/or wished you were treated in your times of need. step into that leadership role - being a model or figurehead for charitable services can help you to remember where you were, where you are, and where you are going. it is also a great time to get the support of the positive masculine figure(s) in your life; perhaps they can aid you in your journey to connect past, present, and future via their connections/funds. the main message for you is to donate to passion projects and volunteer with those in need. don't focus too had on getting others involved; focus on you and your journey. whatever you can give back, no matter how small, will be appreciated without a doubt.

[ultralightpoe]

hear me out hear me out, tear you apart by she wants revenge. thinking very enemies to lovers hate fuckin kinda thing. obviously its really up to you but this song is very hot lol

Tear You Apart- Aemond Targaryen

Description: Aemond hates you and you hate him, but why did he feel so freaking good all the time

Authors Note: BUCKLE IN BITCHES! Also my requests are open for April, take a look at this post to see the request event and send some in! Happy April!

Warnings: Smut, adultery, fun fun fun

Word Count: 2924

Enjoy!

Got a big plan, this mindset maybe its right

At the right place and right time, maybe tonight

And the whisper or handshake sending a sign

Wanna make out and kiss hard, wait never mind

Alicent was punishing him. Not that she would ever admit to it, or he could ever prove, but it was just something he knew. Because there was absolutely no reason that you should be seated next to him as this gods forsaken dinner. 

Aemond had known you had entered the second his spine locked up, nervousness and anxiety racking through him as he risked a glance in your direction to see that you were already looking at him. You had walked in, a smarmy smile laced on your face, with your arm laced through your new husbands and a dazzling necklace across your neck. 

You squinted a bit at him before turning to whisper something in your husband's ear and Aemond found himself squeezing the goblet in his hand and trying his best not to sneer or rip his nephew's head off.  

You had chosen the bastard over him. How pathetic. So scared of your own emotions that you ran to the easiest target rather than facing the fucking truth. 

A smug feeling filled his chest at the thought of you moaning his name while in bed with his cowardly nephew, that feeling quickly being washed away by the sound of his mothers voice. “Lady Y/n, how radiant you look. Dare I say….glowing?”

His hand tightened across the goblet again, red blinding his sight before you answered with a small laugh. “Not yet, but not from lack of trying. I swear.”

Your voice was bragging and he tried not to laugh. As if his nephew could actually give you any form of pleasure. Not after you had Aemond.

“I do apologize for our seating arrangement, you are in between my two boys tonight for the meal.” Alicent smiles before passing you and moving to greet her old friend. You turn to Aemond and give him a polite smile before turning to Jacaerys and kissing his cheek. 

Before Aemond could remove himself from the table your husband was blocking his path, pulling out your chair for you and kissing your head, leaning down to mutter a soft “Remember the plan” before moving to his own side of the table. 

Aemond loses sight of him the second he is away from you, because he cannot seem to drag his eyes anywhere else. Gods, he hated you. Hated everything about you. From the perfect hair to the gorgeous eyes all the way to the natural way you seemed to win everyone over. Witch.

You move your head to make eye contact and the second you do his heart stops dead in his chest. It was annoying that you still had this power over him. 

“If you look any closer you might burn right through me….prince.” You smile, batting your eyelashes the way you always knew riled him up. It was like you enjoyed pissing him off. 

“Good. Last I checked we were supposed to burn the witches.” He replies, trying to keep a nonchalant attitude. He knew the second the smile laced your features that he was correct, you really did enjoy pissing him off. 

“Well since I am a witch I feel quite free to lie. By the way, your eye patch looks dashing tonight. Really brings out the purple of your eye.”

“Fuck you.”

“Maybe if you play nice with your nephews I’ll take pity on you.” 

He was so close to responding before everyone else took their seats and he was left in silence while you turned your attention to the king. Only you weren’t actually paying attention. 

You played it normal, and Aemond nearly jumped out of his skin when your hand met his under the table, a soft touch from your pinky onto his. 

He tears his hand away, turning to glare at you before you roll your own and lean back, a heat traveling across his skin when you wink. 

You were mocking him. He knew it. 

“Aemond, is it true that you and Lady Y/n grew up together?” Lord Stark asks, forcing Aemond to drag his eyes away from you. 

“Indeed. We had studies together.” You answer for him, smiling lightly as you leant forward to grab your goblet. 

“I taught her everything she knows.” Aemond says this as he looks to his nephew, that smug feeling returning again as his nephew sneers. That’s right, I made her cum long before you. 

When he glances back to you, the conversation moving away from him finally, you are already staring at him once again. This time your eyes are hooded, and he knows that you caught on to his jab. 

“I believe I taught you a few useful tricks myself.” You whisper, before turning away to talk to the person on your right. 

His entire body is aflame at the memories and a harsh anger rises in him. Of course you would do this, marry his nephew then rub it in his face. 

You had led him on. You had tore him up as though it was nothing.

Late night, and passing, mention it flipped her

Best friend, who knows saying maybe it slipped

But the slip turns to terror and a crush to light

When she walked in, he froze up, believe its the fright

You ignored his existence the rest of dinner, not that Aemond minded because he got many opportunities to glance at you this way. 

He watched the way you fixed your hair and the way your hand caresses the bodice of your dress when you bring it back down. He looks at the exposed part of your neck before his eyes catch on the pulse point. 

How easy it would be to just lean over and bite you the way he knows you like. How easy it would be to reach his hand up your skirt and- Your eyes cast to him before he can finish the thought and he soon realizes that everyone is staring at him.

“I apologize, I seem to have dazed off.” He rushes out, trying not to get embarrassed under your gaze. “I do not feel well, I believe I should return to my chambers.”

Before anyone could argue his request he is out of the chair, burning through the room and heading to his own chambers across the keep. It was uncomfortable to walk due to the aching hard on he now wore, and he was desperate to make it to his rooms to fix this problem.

He felt like a stupid fool. You probably barely thought of him, and here he was pining after you. Pining after the traitor.

By the time he pushes the door to his chambers his chest is heaving and every piece of him feels as though it is on fire.  Ragged breaths consumed him as his fingers worked to tear off his leathers. 

“Fuck.” He curses, when his finger snags on the leather of his riding pants, hopping out of his boots to hop on the bed. His back hits the cushion of it and he stares at the ceiling for a moment so he could calm down and focus.

He could not think about you. He hated you. You betrayed him and he hated you-

Before he could stop himself he reached down, a moan slipping from his lips as he touched himself, your face flashing in his mind. No no no. This was wrong and he hated you. 

But that didn’t stop him from sitting up, working himself faster as he imagined you above him, moaning to him just as you used to at the speed you liked- fuck Y/n. fuck fuck fu-

Y/n.

You were there. In the doorway with wide eyes and a blush on your cheeks as he stopped short, a ragged whine passing his lips when he realized. 

Its cute in a way, till you cannot speak

And you leave to have a cigarette, your knees get weak

An escape is just a nod and a casual wave

Obsessed about it, heavy for the next two days

“I wasn’t…” The lie begins to slip from his lips before he can stop it, but halfway through he realizes that he shouldn’t have to lie. You had seen him do this countless times, how was today different? 

You were married. And you shouldn’t be here.  “Leave.”

“I’m sorry.” You whisper, eyes welling up as you take a step back before you turn. Only you don’t leave, when your hand touches the door you risk a glance over your shoulder to where he is still sitting, still completely bare to you. “I’m sorry you hate me.”

“I’m not.” He sneers, face heating as your eyes track across his body. “You are a lying whore.”

“Indeed.”

“And you took everything I gave you and threw it away.”

“If that’s what you believe.”

You stared, unmoving, as he stood and walked closer. Everything in him screamed to pull you close and he was infuriated that even after all this time he still craved your touch. He still dreamt of having you in his sheets just as you used to. 

“You should leave.” He whispers, his chest meeting yours as he looks down on you, hands clenched at his sides to keep from grasping them in your hair like he wanted. 

“I should.” You reply, leaning your nose up to touch against his. The second your skin meets his he is gone, hands whipping up to your hair as he pulls you in for a rough and ragged kiss. 

It's only just a crush, it'll go away

It's just like all the others it'll go away

Or maybe this is danger and he just don't know

You pray it all away but it continues to grow

Maybe if he just got you out of his system it would be better. He could hate you from a distance after this and everything would be fine.  But the moment his lips touch your own he knows he is a goner. 

A warmth bleeds through his chest as you kiss back, your hands wrapping around to pull him closer by his back and he pushes you both forward until you are pressed against the door. A grunt pushes through him when his hands travel your body, lifting your skirt to touch the back of your thighs and help you hop up. 

Tearing yourself away to catch your breath gives him a moment to stare at you, the smug feeling returning once again. “Where is your husband?”

“Don’t ask.” You gasp, pulling him back in for another kiss. He stabilizes you both so you can reach and undo your corset, biting his lip harshly and making him groan out. 

“I hate you-” 

“I hate you more.” He enjoyed the way you gasped that out, allowing him to suck at your neck as both of you begin grinding into each other. “Aemond please-”

“Please what?”

I want to hold you close

Skin pressed against me tight

Lie still, and close your eyes girl

So lovely, it feels so right

“Aemond.” You try again, leaning to catch his head in your hands and pull him up to face you. “I’m so-”

“That’s not what I want to hear and you know it.” He seethes, pushing your skirt up higher. “I don’t want to hear your fake fucking apologies.”

And then the dam breaks and you are rushing forward to kiss him again, your teeth clash against each other and you bite down harshly before pulling back, eyes hooded. “Then fuck me. Fuck me like you hate me.”

I want to hold you close

Soft breasts, beating heart

As I whisper in your ear

I want to fucking tear you apart

He doesn’t waste any time, dragging you both to the bed and slamming you across the sheets, laying on top of you with a fire in his eyes and a smirk on his lips. “This is familiar.”

A small laugh tears from your throat when he grips your corset and tears it in half, growling a bit as he moves to your skirt. The sound of cloth ripping fills the room and you sit up quickly, snatching the eye patch off his face before he can fight it. 

A hand wraps around your wrist tightly, dragging the patch back. “No. I want to see you, Aemond.” You argue, keeping your arm tight as he grunts out before finally letting go. 

He can’t argue that,  nor can he argue the proud feeling he gets from those words, instead he crawls up your body until you are nose to nose. You smile at him and for a moment he can imagine himself back to the moments you used to have, before you were married off. 

“Breathe.” He whispers, just like he always had, before he is pushing himself into you. A groan escapes him at the same time you gasp out, hands scratching along his back as he fills you fully and for the first time in a long time he felt at home,

It disgusted him. 

“I hate you.”

“Then show me.” You laugh and he gives in. 

Then he walked up and told her, thinking that he'd passed

And they talked and looked away a lot, doing the dance

Her hand brushed up against his, she left it there

Told him how she felt and then they locked in a stare

The room filled with grunts and the heavy sound of skin slapping, Aemonds hands landing on the bed above both your shoulders to keep you trapped close to him as his hips snapped into you over and over. 

“You’re…..a….fucking whore-” He seethes, grunting louder as you moan out. “A fucking traitor.”

He laughs when you come undone, moving to lean down closer and press his nose to your cheek when you turn away. “I’m not done yet.”

They took a step back, thought about it, what should they do

'Cause there's always repercussions when you're dating in school

But their lips met, and reservations started to pass

Whether this was just an evening or a thing that would last

He takes you over and over, telling himself each time would be the last, but he couldn’t get enough. It was like a beast that had been let out of its cage and was ravaging anything it possibly could. 

By the time he had his fill, 5 rounds later when the sun began coming up, he let you sleep beside him as he kept you close. His hand laid on your thigh as you curled yourself up, breathing evenly as you dreamt. 

Just one more kiss and he would be good. He would be rid of this craving, he swears it. 

But when his lips touched your forehead very softly he closed his eyes and held them there, mentally begging himself to just get up and never touch you again. He hates you. 

“A traitorous whore.” You murmur, eyes still closed, and his eyebrows pop up in surprise. “That’s what you are thinking. I know it.”

“Am I wrong?”

“I hate you.”

“I know.”

Either way he wanted her and this was bad

He wanted to do things to her it was making him crazy

Now a little crush turned into a like

And now he wants to grab her by the hair and tell her

You left the next morning in one of his tunics, with a limp in your step that had his heart beating quickly but he ignored it, holding a hand to his chest to try and stop it. 

When the door shuts he turns back to the bed, shoving his nose in the pillow you had slept and and imagined if you could stay, if you had married him instead. 

Pathetic.

I want to hold you close

Skin pressed against me tight

Lie still, and close your eyes girl

So lovely, it feels so right

The halls were filled with people cheering and wearing flower crowns, the courtyard filled with twice as much music. 

Aemond sat under the tree feeling sick and angry. 

They were celebrating you, or rather your child. The news had passed quickly that you had begun your labors in the early hours of the day, with Rhaenyra by your side and your ‘devoted husband’. 

“Brother!” Helaena calls, snapping him out of his moping. “Come!”

Ever the attentive brother he stands, moving to follow her through the halls as she holds her baby in her hands. She talks his ear off as they join their mother, her face pulled into a tight frown. 

The two ladies lead him to Rhaenyras chambers, where you are laid out on the bed with sweat covering your skin and a small bundle in your arms. Rhaenyra is giving you the widest smile he has ever seen his sister give and many people are congratulating Jahaerys. 

“Have you heard the good news?” A Lord asks, leaning in to whisper to Aemond. “Lady Y/n has delivered a Targaryen. White hair and all.”

Memories of your last night flash together, of Jahearys asking you about a plan and you showing up to his rooms. 

A wide smile covers his face when he looks up to find you already staring at him, a knowing and tired look on your own features. Oh, how he hated you. 

[themotherofhorses]

I loved your writing, and I had always thought you were a talented writer. Your handmaid series was one of my favorite Aemond series on this site. But I will not lie, I’m a bit disappointed at how easily you seem to abandon your work and followers. So many people have been anxiously awaiting the next part, which you constantly teased, only to receive a lousy “Sorry, I’m not in the right mindset” explanation for your sudden absence? Yikes. That feels like a slap in the face to your followers.

hi anon!

okay so i debated whether to answer this, and i mean i thought about it for HOURS. like pacing-in-the-kitchen + chewing on my nails + having a lil tummy ache.

yeah, maybe that “i’m not in the right mindset” explanation wasn’t the best, and at this point, i rlly don’t have anything left to lose so here is the raw and ugly truth:

(tw// mentions of depression, suicidal thoughts, and an eating disorder below.)

if you didn’t know, i was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa in the fall of 2020, along with depression and anxiety. i’ve been in recovery since then.

however, these past several weeks, i unfortunately relapsed back into my ed, and i began experiencing my heavy depression episodes. i’ve had a talk with my family, and i’ve been trying to regain my focus and strength, but its been so fucking difficult as hell.

that is why i haven’t been writing. it is so incredibly hard to find the motivation to write when you just wanna …. yknow …. die? or not exactly die but more curl up in a ball and cry your eyes out until there is nothing left inside you. fanfic writing became a strong and favorite coping mechanism of mine, and it has been so heartbreaking to feel that passion/motivation slowly die away. that is the main reason why i have decided to take a step back from writing and posting and being active on this blog.

i love my fanfics and i love all my readers. y’all have been an unexpected but greatly appreciated light in my life. y’all have genuinely given me a reason for living, as silly as that might sound.

so pls pls PLS (with a cherry on top) believe me when i say that i never mean to abandon y’all. i’m still here! i’m just trying to find myself again — and when i do, i’ll return to give y’all the best smutty fics i can whip up hehe.

to end things on a positive note, here is a picture of my sadie <33 she’s helping in keeping her momma afloat in these shitty waters.

[shamrock313]

Evan and Natalie (Nov 3)

Back again doing a reading on these crazies. Anyway, please remember to take everything you read with a grain of salt. This is for entertainment purposes. Enjoy!

Please note that I completed my reading at 8:40PM, so between now and when this gets posted things could change.

Evan Mindset: 6oC - Nostalgia. Remembering and/or missing how things use to be. If we're talking about a relationship, he may miss the familiarity of it. This could be you know who, I'm not saying he misses her, but he might miss the genuine feelings he use to have. Of course, this doesn't have to come from YKW but from other past girlfriends.

"Reliving happy memories". Going to places / events that scream an exes name. Basically you take people to places you use to go with an ex. Will it be the same or different?

Career: 4oP - "Insecure, overthinking, paranoia, avoiding collab". I'm not sure what he's doing other than living his life. He could be working from NYC to get ready idk but there's something or someone that's putting him on edge rn. Could be some disagreements like for example: "Great idea Evan! Let's try this instead, we'll keep what you said on the backburner though".

Could be Ryan or another male figure in high leadership position. Could also be a woman with masculine energy or unisex name. (ex. Casey, Courtney, Taylor, Dana, Alex, Avery, Parker or names like Dominic/Dominique, Daniel / Daniela).

Oracle: Guardian - Someone is watching over him or he needs to take care of himself. Focus on himself and his needs. Protective layer around himself or his personal life.

Love Life: 6oP (Up and R) + 6oW + 3oS - This is like a tightrope. On one hand, all is good, but then there's this hesitation. To me 6oP is like a "transaction". That's how I see it. Its like a "I do this for you, you do this for me". It's also a give and take. One person could be putting more work in than the other (which we've seen in past readings). If you don't understand it's like let's say I help Evan write/revise a script for two hours, in return, I would like him to help me with chores or decorating the house. There are positive feelings in here, supporting each other, but there's still past baggage and tension that hasn't been resolved. Imbalance. Literally just picture him on a tightrope, he can either allow himself to fall off or make it to the other side. He's taking small steps.

Oracle: Crush, Family + Pay Attention to the Red Flags, 3rd Party Situation - Don't be surprise is we get holiday photos, there is a bond, there is infatuation. He is cautious and aware of things being off. As for 3rd Party that could be friends/family in his ear or the fans. It can be many things coming in between him and Nat.

What do fans think of his ongoing with Nat: 5oS (Rev) + Justice = Everyone is divided. We all knew that. Many can see the tension even those who aren't fans. On one hand, there's the sense of hoping this won't be a bad relationship. Hope these two can work what they have going on, but on one hand there is fairness. Trying to figure out if this relationship they have going on is fair and worth it.

Person A: I care, yet I'm side eyeing this

Person B: I don't know them. Let's not give in. Stop.

Nat Mindset - 4oC (Up and Rev) - There's a mix. (Up) Boredom, uninterested, unfulfilled, stagnation, disillusion. (Rev) Look to new opportunities, ways to do/be better, self-awareness.

Nat Love Life: 2oC - "encouraging each other to do their best / supporting each other" Feels she can (potentially) grow from this relationship. Emotionally invested and has a lot of hope.

Oracle: Committed + Take a Leap of Faith - So, these match up perfectly with 2oC. Despite all the bad, she's willing to jump in and fully invest and hopes he does the same. It's a risk. A big one.

Nat relationship with his fans: 4oS, 9oS, World = With the 4oS + 9oS, that's not good. Tension, anxiety, sleepless nights, constant worrying, pressure. There's a lot of stress and insecurity. For World, she can accept this loss as if accepting there's nothing she can do, Just accept defeat. We can also see this as her finding closure (turning off comments and not responding to fans). Or just simply trying to find a balance that works for her without her going overboard.

Oracles: Patience, Air Sign, Communicate: If she can not give in, she will be okay.

How Does Karlie Kloss feel about this: I'm not going to add my cards, but she has mix feelings too about this. Bit uncertain about this pairing, but she's trying to be nice about it. Thinks they have potential but she knows when to look away and not get too involved.

Overall: Knight of Cups (Up and Rev) + Hierophant = It's back and forth as always. There's infatuation, charming each other, supporting each other, but there's always someone who is becoming emotional distance. I swear they remind me of the college couple that use to argue on the stairwell next to my room. One minute they're at each other throats and two days later they are having lunch. I will say they are at least trying to find some structure. It's gonna take a whilllllllllllllllle for this to happen so good luck to them.

Oracles: Forgive and Release, Engagement + Moving = Compromise. Work things out. Forgive and forget. Engagement isn't what you all thinks it means. It's just another way of saying they are trying. Moving as we know is about "moving in with partner or changing location" but while I had time to learn, it goes into engagement as again trying to find a way to move into the next steps. Again, they got a long journey to go on to make this happen. It's going to be tiresome.

Are they dating or FWB? So, back in my reading from Coachella I put down, that they could be FWB with Evan potentially going to NY and meeting up with her for sexual reasons. The cards I had come out for this reading didn't give me a clear answer. Very much a grey area. Here's what I will say. If I were to ask Evan is he dating, because he doesn't know me, he will say yes, but for other people depending on how close he is with them, he'll say yes or no. I said waaaaay back in the Jon Bass reading (which I think got taken down) that it all depends on how he introduces her. Ladies, if he calls you his friend, jump ship. Vice versa.

Nat is very well aware (since May, I keep saying this) that there is issues. For her she keeps getting mixed signals. She's pushing things to the back of her head. The more it hits, it becomes clearer to her. She's holding onto potential but there is still underlying issues that need to be address.

[wikiangela]

mushy end of year post alert lol

so, bc it's the end of the year, over the last few days I've been just thinking about this year which just overall sucked, but tumblr and writing have been the only things bringing me joy and I'm just so grateful to be here

I've technically been in the 911 fandom since February/March 2021 (I binged the show and caught up between Buck begins and jinxed haha), but it's only this year that I actually got over my tagging anxiety and overthinking, and worrying about being annoying, and started tagging people and interacting more, and started just actually being here and not just lurking lol

I've been writing buddie since March 2021 too, just much less than now, bc I was in my sambucky era haha - but then I did fictober2022, and s6 was airing at the time so I was back in buddie mindset, and I wrote like half of the prompts for them - and then as I was finishing my sambucky 150k fic, I got the idea for the buddie holiday fic, which I started posting in December last year. instantly the reception of that fic was more than anything else before, it's still mind-blowing, and then I kept writing buddie, and now I can't and don't want to stop haha

tbh it's been kinda insane and when I think about it too hard and too long it gets overwhelming, but the love on all my fics, so many nice comments, it's been crazy! and to add to that the way my follower count grew this year, not to mention user subscribers on Ao3 is just 🤯🤯🤯 I'm still always surprised that more than one person enjoys my fics so every time I look at my stats I'm just shocked (that one person being me tbh, I started to really love my fics this year and I reread them all the time 😂 which is another great thing that's changed somehow, bc I used to never look back at my fics haha)

and above all, I met so many amazing people, and whether we talked once, talk from time to time, or just interact in tags/notes, I appreciate all of you so much ❤️ I'm still shy and introverted and don't start a lot of convos and can't keep up a convo to save my life but I always love talking to everyone ❤️😂

I've been in many fandoms over the years but 911 fandom has been the best experience for me - it might just be my little bubble over here on tumblr but either way, I love it, and I love all my mutuals and everyone who follows me, and it's just been a really fun year over here on this hellsite, and tbh it might be the only thing keeping me from breaking down atm lol - this is the first fandom where I truly feel like I belong, however silly it might sound haha

the amount of support on my fics, and the encouragement, all the comments, it's been truly unlike anything else in any fandom I've experienced, and it's been so motivating to keep writing too ❤️ I honestly don't think I'd write as much as I did this year if it wasn't for y'all

so @ all my mutuals and followers, thank you so much for making my year so much better by just being my pocket friends haha <3 i love you all <3

[carpehistoryandthepens]

Legacy (what is a legacy?) Part 4

It’s planting seeds in a garden you never get to see I wrote some notes at the beginning of a song someone will sing for me

Hamilton, the world was wide enough. LMM.

one, two, three

Summary: Mike is 13. Born May 2009. Sid didn’t know he had a son. All Mike had was hope and a prayer for his and his half-sister’s safety.

(Sid is a dad of a teen he didn’t know about AU) Sidgeno.

Warnings: (for the total story) post-child abuse (all off-screen but it affects things and is spoken about often), learning how to parent, panic attacks, anxiety, based on last season, OCs?, realization about sexuality. Post breakups. Desperate lack of in-depth research for CPS in both PA/CA, melodrama?, kidfic, angst, slowburn, playing fast and loose with the law for drama/storytelling purposes.

-

Taking the ice for practice the day after talking to Geno over lunch, Sid felt much more centered than he had the day before. He was ready for this season. He could face the public, his team, his enemies, other teams, the media, kids being adorable with the Little Penguins. No matter what happens, he was prepared for this season.

Talking with Geno always helped get him in the right mindset for a season. That had been true since the moment they met in Mario's home. 

Geno was already in the locker room when sid got there, which would have been a surprise, but some fans had cornered Sid on the way in. While Sid had been stuck signing various hats, cards, and jerseys, Geno had blown past him in one of his super small, fast cars. 

Geno shot him a confident smile when they stepped onto the ice, immediately grabbing the puck sid was going for and starting to play keep-away. Sid felt that grin to the bottom of his toes. They could do this. They could take on anything.

The practice is still open to the public. The Return-to-Normal season operations was a relief. It was weird during the pandemic not tohave fans in the stands for most of training camp. Sid had long learned to ignore the people in the stands, which made their absence even more glaring. As the team warmed up and got ready for whatever Sully would throw at them that day, Sid looked around the stands. 

Having games and practices in arenas with no one to watch in person was even more bizarre than just practice rinks. It seemed like a punishment rather than protection. He understood, mostly - some of the Covid rules were just stupid, but Sid followed them as a good leader should.  

He was glad that the pandemic was past the first few years. Sid kind of missed going out with the masks, though. It had been a long time (if ever) since he had been that incognito in Pittsburgh. 

Sid pushed past the returned novelty of fans in the stands for training camp and focused on what Sully was saying. He could both be happy the fans were back and still frustrated that all he saw was families. Today was a good day to remind himself why he loved to play for people, even if they included people who got to live parts of life he never would. 

The next time he looked up and focused on the people surrounding the ice, the practice was half over. He paused to lean on the boards near the benches and get water from a waiting Bio Steel bottle. Sid frowned at it for a second before he took a swig. He hated change, and this was a big one. Sid couldn't help his mental expression at the new branding could be summed up as ">:("

As Sid gazed out at the stands, he took note of the people who had come. Many reporters, obviously, a few families were watching the practice, and a few WAG hopefuls all styled up and attempting to catch the attention of the rookies without looking too desperate. Some of the rookies had parents in the stands. Sid nodded at the group.  

It was a school day, so as Sid expected, there were fewer kids than yesterday. Sid put his water bottle down and reminded himself that he should give some of the younger ones a puck or two before he got off the ice at some point. He might be dying for kids now, and interacting with them hurt on some level, but he wouldn't ignore some hopeful young hockey fans. He took one long look around to take stock of the age group – that would determine if it was a puck or a stick he gave away – but Sid's eyes locked on the kid directly opposite the bench in the stands. 

It was the same kid as yesterday, looking even more exhausted and rumpled and staring at him with familiar eyes framed with bruises. The kid was wearing the same clothing as the day before, and now that Sid was looking at him closely, there was a faded black eye and a cut on his face. The kid's wary expression let Sid doubt that the enforcer look was only because of hockey. At least not the U16 he was thinking about yesterday. 

The boy looked even more tired than the day before, and the girl was running around playing with a worn stuffed unicorn, and Sid saw a small, purple child's size luggage sitting next to the overstuffed hockey bag. The boy wasn't wearing a jacket; his - or at least Sid assumed it was his – was wrapped around the girl as she moved along the benches of the stands, making her seem smaller than she probably was. 

Something about them set off every bell in Sid's head. The teen tempted the girl into eating a pretzel from the snack counter and drinking from a blue shaker bottle with a Superman emblem and about a dozen stickers. 

Sid kept an eye on them for the rest of the practice. It was the last rep he finally got close enough to take in all the details about the kids. What he saw nearly made Sid trip over his skates. 

Littering the skin up and down the teen's uncovered arms were bruises in various stages of healing. Sid had spent too long in the hockey world not to know the timeline of most bruising like the back of his hand. Most of the bruises that decorated the kid's face looked at least a week to two weeks old but were deep. 

There was bruising on the boy's face, and, when the oversized jacket sleeve slipped down, there was bruising along the girl's arms, and fading black eyes on both. Sid felt his stomach drop; The girl couldn't be over four years old. The teen was young too. Hell, Sid might be optimistic about calling the kid a teen. He didn't know. 

One of the WBS defensemen stole the puck from him, and Sid jerked his attention back to the drill. He won the puck back and nearly scored. Jarry's creative swearing let Sid know the goalie was ready for the season. 

The moment he could, Sid broke off and caught the attention of one of Tag's practice assistants and a trainer. The assistant is in school to be a counselor – a sports counselor but a counselor, nonetheless. The trainer was back up. Anthony and Charlie. At the moment, Sid did not remember which was which. All he could hear was the blood rushing in his ears as he realized what might be going on. 

Sid had to do something. And this was the best idea he had on short notice. 

The two walked away; Sid attempted to force his attention back to the practice entirely. He kneeled with the other guys at center ice and listened carefully to Sully's instructions. He did his best at the 'actual last, I promise; I'm planning on working you hard for the game tomorrow' drill. 

Sid did his best not to look back at the bench where Anthony and Charlie were still talking to the kid and his sister during the rest of practice. 

He wasn't successful by the side eyes most of the team gave him. They shuffled him along as they returned to the center ice to stretch and cool down. When the team let him settle down, Sid had a clear view of the conversation happening in the stands, even if he couldn't hear it. Rinks never had good acoustics for conversation - just the sound of pucks hitting boards and blades scraping on ice. 

Sid looked around at his team, annoyed to be so blatantly caught. Geno smirked at him, delighting in his pout. "Why the ring around the Rosie?" Sid bit out, trying to keep his eyes away from the small group off the ice. He failed with a quick glance at the stands.

Rusty laughed a little under his breath. "Sid. You kept getting distracted." That got a lot of mummers of agreement from the guys. 

"Yeah," Carts said from across the circle, "Dude, whatever you're planning on doing, I'm sure it will be accepted. You are Sidney Crosby." That got a roll of laughter from the team. 

Sid didn't want to explain, at least not on the ice. "Fine, if that's what you think, Cartsy, you can lead the team in stretches." Sid put his captain's voice on to ensure the conversation ended. 

Jeff grumbled jokingly but did as he was told, taking the cue from Sid to drop the topic. 

For now. 

Sid knew his team and was unsurprised when he was inundated with questions when they were off the ice and back in the practice rink's locker room. Their voices were a loud happy cacophony that Sid could bearly make out individual questions from. 

"Sid, what's up?" 

"Who's the kid, Sid?" 

"Whatcha planning?" 

"Ooo, are you going to steal some kids, cap?" 

"Nah, he's going to make a kid's day, rookie!" 

Sid watched his team gently chip him over his actions as he always did. Sid let the group go on for a while they all got changed and ready for the showers. The team video review wasn't until after lunch, and that wasn't for an hour. 

Sully seemed pleased at how the team skated during practice, so he hadn't followed them into the locker room to finish getting his points across. 

The team was feeling it, and Sid was happy just to let the atmosphere of the room wash over him. Geno draped himself over his shoulder despite his locker being across the room. He was mostly undressed from his kit and had a towel wrapped around his broad shoulders. Sid wanted to bite them like always, but the feeling wasn't new or uncommon around the rink, so Sid didn't think of it too much. He always felt like that around a good set of shoulders - jealously or envy, he had long attributed it to. "Now, Sidney Crosby, help all the kids. He does not just steal one." Geno crooned. 

Tanger snorted disbelievingly as he passed toward the showers, and Dumo and Rusty gaffed as they trailed behind him. 

"G." Jake said as he pulled off the last of his gear and walked away from his stall, "You know the WAGs have a standing suggestion to new parents to the team that if their kid goes missing, just call Sid first? That they are most likely with him?" 

Sid shook Geno off in protest and glared at the room. He pulled off his jersey and gear, saying, "That was once! With Duper's kids! Twelve years ago!" Sid had a distinct impression that he squawked, but he refused to admit that in the room. To do so was to admit weakness and allow the sharks (Geno, Tanger, Rusty, Dumo, Jeff, Petey…. well, his whole damn team, now that Sid thought about it) to take advantage. While he was just one of the boys, the key was not to be too obvious. 

Geno laughed as he walked away from Sid's stall and toward the showers. "Anna has that too!" he said, completely selling out Sid's occasional 'Can I borrow your son?' outings with Nikita. "He always brings back." 

So sue Sid, they didn't happen often but often enough that Anna has called Sid before. Rarely…. But it has happened. Nikita was a delight. 

The team laughed and didn't stop the chirping until most of them were well into the post-practice showers. 

Sid glared at Geno, mostly jokingly, in a good mood after the worry Sid had carried all practice. But making Sid happy was Geno's goal as he grinned at Sid as they washed off. So, Sid did his best to plot instead of admitting how happy Geno's attention made him.

While Sid couldn't believe Geno would sell him out like that, he knew it was meant in a good place. So, Sid would have to do something to get Geno back appropriately. Nothing too bad, but something that let Geno know that it was not ok just to sell him out to the team like that. 

From Geno's smirk in the showers, Geno could feel Sid's thought process. Which now made it a challenge for Sid to prank Geno. This was the game they had been playing for years, and Sid was looking forward to it. 

Sid was grateful that the reporters wouldn't be allowed into the room post-practice for another week. That meant he could be there with the boys and their post-practice chirping. 

When Sid finally got washed off and returned to his stall, the trainer's assistant and Jen entered the room. 

Immediately the loud, boisterous chatter of the boys' post-practice died off as attention turned to the pair. When Jen came into the locker room - one of them had media, and they wouldn't be able to fight it. Her people only called her in when they needed the big guns. 

"Sid," the trainer said in an odd tone; Anthony, Sid remembered, Tag's assistant was Charlie. That's right. "Can you come with us?" 

Sid didn't even wait, "Is it about the kids?" 

Anthony hesitated a weird expression on his face. 

However, Jen didn't pause. "Yes. Can you come?" she said firmly. Her ability to hold an even expression is one of the reasons she was so damn good at her job, but around her eyes, there was a hint of disbelief and shock. 

Sid didn't think most of the team could see that except him, Tanger, and Geno. The ones who had been with her the longest. 

The sudden pit in his stomach was growing with each passing word. Something was up. 

God, he hoped he wasn't right, 

"Just let me get dressed," Sid said, rapidly reaching for his street clothes.

"Come on, G, you know you want to make a kid's day," Tanger called from across the room, sounding unaffected in a way that belied how his eyes were worried. He was mostly dressed and fixing his hair. 

Geno laughed, nearly genuine – if someone hadn't been with the man damn near daily since they had been teenagers, like Sid, Tanger, or even Jen had been, "Yes. Make day; see me!" 

That broke the team's silence. The rest of the team fell back into the regular routine of getting ready for lunch and video review; Sid sped through getting dressed. There was an odd atmosphere to the chirping and yelling. Everyone on the team saw something was up and followed Sid's leadership in acting normally. 

Jen didn't protest, but Anthony looked like he might. Most of the team missed Jen's slight nod but not the core. 

Sid was officially weirded out by this and had to know what was happening. 

Tanger and Geno flanked him as they followed Jen and Anthony into a trainer's room just off the practice ice. Sid had been in the room several times; it wasn't the principal trainer's room in the practice rink – closer to the locker room – but it was smaller but fully stocked. 

It usually wasn't occupied by two kids, and a woman Sid had never seen before but had a badge around her neck with Child Welfare Services written on it and her name directly underneath, Helena. 

Sid opened his mouth to greet the kids in a standard meet and greet, but something stopped him. Maybe it was the boy's baby fat or the way he stood as he met Sid's gaze and steeled himself, but the kid looked just like Sid did in the photos and videos of interviews from when he was young. 

Tanger and Geno filtered into the room as Sid stepped through. It was crowded in the small office now, but by the stern look the CWS rep gave him, something more important than fire codes or sitting places was up. 

"Sid," Jen said, then paused, seemingly unable to find the words. 

Charlie took over. "Sid, this is Michael Hernandez and his sister Marisol Hernandez-Diaz." He gestured to the boy and the little girl. 

"Hello, Michael. Hi, Marisol." Sid said, finally putting on his 'meet and greet with kids' face. He likes kids, and it was close to the genuine smile any of his media smiles got. 

Michael didn't respond beyond just staring at Sid, but that sometimes happens, so Sid chose not to worry too much. 

His sister waved a hand excitedly in the air. "Hola!" she sang out, taking her attention away from her brother for a moment. There was a Spanish accent to her words. Whomever her parents were, they were teaching her to be bilingual. 

Sid offered her a hand to shake. And she took with delight, her smile bright and wide. 

"Mike! Water p'r favor." she asked when she looked away from Sid. 

Her question shook Michael from his staring, “Claro, Mari, aquí está tu taza,” he said in Spanish. He held out the blue shaker bottle. Marisol took it carefully and didn't spill anything as she drank. 

Sid didn't understand the words, but he did understand the motions. He watched them interact with a deep longing that he didn't expect. Sid pushed the smile on his face a little harder. He would not mess this up for the kids just because he wanted to be a father. 

"Sid," Jen said again. 

Sid turned, and Jen gestured to the chair next to her. "You might want to sit down for this." 

Sid raised an eyebrow but made no move to the chair, choosing to remain standing. "What's up?" he wasn't injured. So why had she asked?

"Michael here," Jen said bluntly, "He thinks you are his biological father." 

Sid hadn't fainted in years, not since the worst of the concussion, but he came damn close. 

He stumbled and nearly collapsed into the chair that Jen pointed out. 

Behind him, Tanger and Geno hurried forward to flank him in the chair. Geno put a hand on his solder to keep Sid from leaning too far forward. 

Michael was watching him react. He was staring at Sid with an expression that Sid could read, mainly because it was a Forbes expression from the bones. Literally. He had Sid's cheek and pre-surgery jaw. Hope and fear. Like he didn't know how he would survive if he got what he wanted, good and bad. 

The last time he had seen that expression, his sister had told him of the college she was going to for hockey. It came from his mother's side of the family. 

And Michael looked just like him. 

But also, Sid's eyes were staring back at him with that expression. 

Oh. 

Oh shit.

[teiasviago]

Can I pick your brain about the cancer arc?

I think GA got nominated because it was a stand-out in her show-- Hollywood/movie fill-in-the-blank always nominate the different, the zany, or the mainstream out-of-the-box. If Scully had a long-term illness that she struggled on and off with, the show wouldn't have been nominated because it was just part of her character's struggle. The award was given to GA's performance, not to the cancer arc story line, if that makes sense.

Here's where I might sound like a curmudgeon, but I truly mean nothing negative by it: I don't see the point of tying my own struggles to a tv show that was filmed in a time where Scully's cancer arc was seen as revolutionary and moving to the tv population then. Was it filled with problems? Absolutely-- the whole show is. But the audience for the show were vastly satisfied with it: if there had been immense pushback, then the audiences at the time would have decreed it lazy and not worth the award and the ruffled feathers over that nomination would have been just as infamous as her award. Instead, they applauded it and were happy for her and the show.

And here's a personal anecdote: there are some of my own struggles that the show only touches incidentally, never delving too deep because it had places to go and characters to be. I don't think it's an oversight or a missed opportunity; and I have relatives who have chronic health problems that viewed Scully's journey as too raw to watch without feeling like their issues had been misrepresented.

Everyone is entitled to their feelings, and faaaaaar be it from me to police them. My only concern is that there is only so much a show of that focus could touch on; and GA being awarded for bringing dignity to a terminal illness was (and is) loved and lauded because of what she did then, not for anything that COULD have been done. I'm not trying to talk down about this, honestly; I just see it as a letdown to focus on what the show didn't show as opposed to what it did: there are sooooooooooo many arcs that were never touched on, timeline threads that didn't make sense, and character moments that the actors didn't like but did anyway (and were out-of-character likewise.)

In conclusion? ...I don't really have a conclusion. XDDDD But, to me, there's no way a show can show everything and still be the MOTW-Scooby-Doo-mytharc show that it WAS (whether I like the focus sometimes or not.) As much as I think it would have been what the show needed to focus on Scully's residual effects, her mindset post cancer, that isn't what happened; but what I DO criticize it for is dropping off the cliff with Scully's concerns/fears/anxieties over the chip in her neck, because it continued to be highly plot relevant before it vanished from the plotline. ...WHY? The world may never know. ;)))

I honestly wouldn't have an issue with the cancer arc if I trusted that the writers were doing it to talk about having cancer with dignity and earnestly explore the fact that Scully is a woman whose bodily autonomy was stolen from her multiple times over but I simply don't. I think Gillian's performance in the cancer arc, and "Memento Mori" specifically, was award-worthy for sure. I like the episodes that bring up her cancer a lot, no notes. And if it's too raw and personal for some people to watch, well, YMMV.

I understand that The X-Files was revolutionary. But I don't believe in giving things a pass because they were lauded and revolutionary for the time. It's not like I'm calling for something or someone to be canceled for being offensive or whatever, I'm saying that I well and truly believe that had the writers been more dedicated, more could've been plucked out of the cancer arc. And that could be done without taking away from the show's usual formatting.

I know you don't mean to be offensive but I wasn't tying my illness to the show, I was referencing it. And that might sound like no difference but when I watch the cancer arc I don't think about it in terms of accuracy (or in terms of my illness) but rather impact. And, I don't know, the cancer arc simply didn't feel impactful, like many plot events of the show. I know that me being negative so much can be a downer but I promise that once I'm home in a couple weeks I'll be able to join my dad in his rewatch of the show and have a lot more positive things to think about in depth, haha.

But in the end, it feels like it didn't really mean anything after all. I mean, is it ever even referenced again after "Detour"? She nearly died of cancer directly tied to the plot of the show and it's never mentioned again aside from like maybe once or twice tangentially in the revival. No impact, no commitment. It's not that I don't care that the cancer arc was a standout, an outlier in terms of the industry at the time and of the show. I do care, and I care very much, but I will never, ever decide that something doesn't deserve criticism because things were different back then.

It's especially frustrating because the show constantly brings up PTSD (particularly with Mulder's PTSD from Sam's abduction), but not overwhelmingly so, so the writers absolutely can and did have commitments, just not to most of the pain they lobbed at Mulder and Scully. Like you said:

[T]here are sooooooooooo many arcs that were never touched on, timeline threads that didn't make sense, and character moments that the actors didn't like but did anyway (and were out-of-character likewise).

For you, those are things you prefer to stay away from, and I'm happy that you know your preferences. But I much prefer, especially as someone going into the film & TV industry, to deconstruct what I think were failings in shows that I like so as to better understand what I think makes a good TV show. Don't lob pain at your characters just because it makes your actors Hollywood's darlings; don't drop a plotpoint like a hot potato once it's been immediately resolved, most things have longlasting impacts; etc etc. I find it fruitful to discuss and breakdown my dislikes. I find it satisfying.

And with the award, it's a lot like my beef with "Never Again," haha. I see it's greatness, but I also see how spectacular it could've been, and that just kinda sours it for me.

Also, I meant that "Kaddish," "Unrequited," "Tempus Fugit," "Max," "Synchrony," "Small Potatoes," "Zero Sum," and "Demons" are all episodes in the cancer arc but you could switch them out with episodes before the cancer arc and it wouldn't matter because it had no effect on them. No definite but small behavioral changes, no underlying tension between Mulder and Scully, nada. And it's like, well... Is that because they're in sync, because Mulder has accepted that he's not to get all touchy-feely with her? Or is it just that the writers were more focused on keeping the same old pattern with not only the tiniest of ripples to it going?

Anyways, I do like the cancer arc, I just think "arc" is a misnomer. Cancer episodes. On a positive note: the way Scully's writing in her journal to Mulder in "Memento Mori." 😭😭 I love that part so much. Plus the way they're constantly touching each other and so gentle in "Redux II." 🥺🥺🥺

[redhairedwolfwitch]

I would love to be your friend, fellow redhead. ♡

And yes, I can confirm the anaesthesia thing. I once had to get a root canal treatment at the dentist and they had to anaesthetise me so much half of my face was paralysed for most of the day, and it still hurt so bad.

I actually love my red hair and freckles, it's the one thing I have always liked about my appearance. I don't like the sunburn, poor skin/eczema, and allergies that come with it however, those I could do without.

This might be a bit confronting, but as someone with a psychology degree, what would you advise yourself, regarding the anxiety. What if you wrote yourself a letter, and then read it with the mindset of a professional psychologist, as if it is not about yourself (side note: maybe I should do this myself, except for the professional psychologist part, as I have neither experience nor knowledge about that).

What does R's development entail? Are they becoming more self assured, or self aware in what they need in a relationship? Instead of crossing paths, contact could of course also be initiated by either one of them, but then there would obviously have to be a reason for said contact. I feel like I'm just throwing vague suggestions at you at this point, so I don't know if this is worth anything to you.

Have a nice day/night (depending on when you're reading this), my wonderful pineapple friend.

-Chaotic Anon

if i had a pound for every time a fellow redhead contacted my blog because they too are a redhead, i would have two pounds... and i lowkey love that.

yeahhhhh i was kept awake for two procedures where i had teeth taken out (healthy teeth, just my mouth was too small for all of them sksks) before i had braces, i luckily didn't feel anything minus a pain in my eye but i got hit in the face earlier in the day at school because people are delightful, but i was in so much achy pain after i just tried sleeping at like 7pm bleh.

ohh the genetics that come with red hair, the ability to turn into a tomato under a smidge of sunlight, then go back to being yoghurt ghostly pale... my freckles aren't as prominent as they were in my childhood i think, they're quite tiny too but yeahhh, freckles are fun.

honestly i have no idea, i have all these concepts and this understanding in my head, it's just the physical symptoms, breathing exercises don't do much, and i can't plunge my face into ice water every time i'm anxious, even if it's calming, it's freezing cold.

i'll post part 2 tonight so whenever you see it if you want to read it, you'll see some of the development R goes through post-break-up and leaving Barcelona... it just feels like there are limited reasons for R and the ex being in the same country as each other, let alone same room. But I think R's abandoned the idea of love, too overwhelmed by the attention they get after the events in part 3, especially since R barely got any attention pre-part 1, in both romantic relationship and from the public... but R can see that they are finally getting what they deserve, R deserved more and deserved better than where they were at in part 1... yeah:)

thank you, i hope you're having a nice time on this existential plain too, whatever time it is for you... now i lowkey want some pineapple...

[moonlightdisney]

As of recent, around late 2022 or so, I've been going through a lot of changes in my life. Personality, art style and goals. Whoever I was when I was sweet little "Moonie-Boo", that doesn't seem to fit who I am now! This sounds really edgy and I don't blame you. Nah, I just think I have matured a lot since the start of 2022. My art is completely different, If you were to compare something I made in January 2022 to now? It's like looking at two different artists! At the same time, my personality has changed a lot too. I am a lot more closed off than I was at the start of that year. I realised I don't really need millions of friends I just need a smaller group of CLOSE friends. I'm much more satisfied with the boundaries and standards I've set. On the other end, I've also been going through a lot of mental stuff as well. I don't want to label it fully as I am not sure what's going on I don't have the money or time to get diagnosed with anything right now so. I've been feeling very lethargic and out of it. The added pressure of a lot of social medias' algorithms further worsening my already bitter and awful mindset. I've been really insecure in my abilities to draw and provide content on all platforms. DeviantArt is probably the easiest to be active on. Instagram kind of intimidates me and the awful art bots (which you might see when i post this) are a real pain. Twitter is already suppressing a lot of artists stuff and I feel like there's no point posting on Twitter anymore in all honesty. I also post on tumblr but that has never done anything for me, it's more of an archive if anything. Furaffinity is alright, though I hardly see myself getting big on there. Derpibooru is also just an archive really, nothing happens there. I even post my art on Amino! Average reactions, usually. It's sad that Amino gives me better results than Twitter and Tumblr combined. Online art is hard. I am not giving up, by any means. But I don't want to push myself as hard, as it's been giving me major anxiety and really, I don't need anymore of that. On a more positive note, I am REALLY proud of this! I put my love and emotions into this and I was really passionate about this piece. If it doesn't blow up so be it. This is more for me than anything else. Hey if you've read this far, thank you for at least skimming through this word vomit of a description. It means a lot to be heard, now more than ever. If you wish to help me further, please consider sharing my posts and journals about my commissions! Times have been tough recently with grocery prices and bills as well, as a disabled artist it's really hard to balance all this at once and make it day by day. Sharing does help a lot and I really appreciate your time :)

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Derpibooru | NOTE | No my art is NOT free to repost on any site for any reason. The algorithm favours most reposts over the originals and I work very hard on my art! If you are to see any of my art on a page that is NOT my own, please link it to me ASAP.

[megarabane]

vent post abt work incoming sorry in advance i just need to scream into the void for a mo.

can i just. i'm just so sick of the 'in order to have value you have to work yourself to the bone' mindset.

i'm working two jobs rn, one is monday-friday and the other is pretty much sundays exclusively. because neither of these jobs pay me well enough to sustain me on their own.

m-f is a research job in my degree-chosen career field that i love to do, i love the people i work with, and i willingly work 50 hour weeks (5 tens) on a regular basis. they don't make me, but i like the work and the grad student i'm working with is super reasonable when i say "hey i need the day off" and his response is "great have at it! see you later!"

and the sunday is at a restaurant. and don't get me wrong alright i love foodservice. if it weren't for the physical and emotional and mental demand of waiting tables and dealing with customers for just barely enough wages to live on, i'd willingly do that shit. i love waiting tables.

and i've told my scheduling manager 'hey i don't wanna work doubles on sundays (my only day), i'm available for either a morning or an evening but not both.' and she scheduled me three doubles three weeks in a row. and i got the first two covered by coworkers but i worked the third, and i told her 'hey i told you i can't do this, i'm already working 50 hours a week'

and her response was. 'aw. only fifty? i'll let you know when i get down to that much.'

OKAY. FIRST. that's YOUR choice and I GUARANTEE you're compensated with time and a half at LEAST, not to mention your PTO that i KNOW you have bc you talk about it all the time.

my research job does not pay time and a half for OT, and i CHOOSE to do it bc i love the work, but it's physically demanding and exhausting, it's wildlife research, it's hiking miles a day in the mid-drought heat and half the fucking time it's for naught anyway, and the stuff that isn't hikes is driving two hours to and from research sites.

SECOND. THAT SHOULDN'T MATTER. i only have ONE HUMAN LIFE and ONE day off a week is taking a toll on my physical and mental health. i'm wearing knee braces again, which i haven't done since high school eight years ago, and i've not written anything in WEEKS. it's raw LUCK that i've had the energy to play any games at all in the last few weeks. most of the time i come home and collapse bc i'm exhausted and i just wanna rest before i get up and go work again. my one day off a week is spent doing laundry and cleaning and running errands that don't get done during the week.

i fell apart on my therapist when we were in the middle of a different conversation bc i'm so tired, and now i have a sticky note on my monitor that says 'it's not selfish to take days off if it keeps you from death' right next to 'remember: the megacorp doesn't care about you'.

and i call off work tomorrow. because i'm so tired. and i get my scheduling manager. and her response is 'the schedule's been out for like a week. have you tried to get it covered.' and i say 'yes' and she says 'well the schedule's been out for a week." and i just...sit there in silence. because like. you're not going to guilt me out of this. bc i know if you know you can guilt me out of this once you'll never fucking stop and i'll never have a moment of peace again.

does it almost work? yeah. i've got a fucking anxiety disorder. ofc it does.

but i have one human life. only one. i need a break. they will survive without me. fuck, business has been so slow recently, having one less server on the floor will mean my coworkers will get more business and more money. even if management is mad (and my gm won't be he's reasonable ik this) my coworkers might actually thank me for it. (this is me speaking it into existence can you tell.)

anyway i'm just. tired. i'm so tired. i'm so over capitalism. this is the start (well more really a midpoint) of my anti-capitalist arc.

anyway thanks for reading lol. remember: the megacorp doesn't care about you. you are worth days off. your management will forget about the guilt trip they took you on in less than a day. so call off. quit. they survived before you and will survive without you. you're worth more than the blood you pour into a work week.

[nekomimithoughts]

I feel like you have misunderstood what I was trying to say. I absolutely take the criticism of how my choice of words can be interpreted but you are putting a lot in my mouth that I simply didn't say or intended to transport. Your "quotes" of me are not things I said, it's not my take. And the other things you said aren't my takes either.

The first thing I definitely accept as criticism is that I used the word privilege and I'd be happy to remove that sentence. Because what I meant to say is that a secure base, which usually comes in the form of a trusted partner - but I absolutely agree that there are other safety nets and I'll come to this in a moment - is what makes safe sensation seeking in bdsm possible, and that is what makes it comparable to horror movies and spicy habaneros. That was, to be honest, the entire point of my post. Did I explain that that's what I mean in a very concise way and in a way that is unambiguous? No probably not. I apologise for that. I falsely used the word privilege to mean "to be in a position with certain advantages in regard to a specific thing" and didn't realise in the moment all the other concepts this word is tied to and that itvis usually used to mean being in a better position in a general sense. That is my fault. Did I mean to say that kinky people or bdsmers or people in secure relationships never have any anxieties or insecurities with regards to intimacy? No of course not, because that makes no fuckin sense. I do see how my words could be misinterpreted that way, but honestly, saying that the sense of safety achieved through having a trusted partner gives you opportunities for sensation seeking really doesn't conclude to having no anxieties or issues when you have a trusted partner? It just doesn't.

I was NOT trying to say is that kinky people need to justify themselves, that they need to "check their privilege", that they are responsible for other people's feelings or that they need to accommodate people who have a problem with their lifestyle. No! I didn't even intend for any actionable conclusions to be drawn from this, it's really just a thought experiment of perspective taking, meant for those who said, basically, that they don't understand why it's hard to understand for a lot of people that bdsm is comparable to other forms of sensation seeking. I take the criticism that I should have made that clear, that that's who I'm referring to, and not bdsm-people in general. Noted. I repeat: bdsmers DO NOT need to justify themselves, to pearl-clutchers or anyone else. Because yes, it's literally not about them. Hell. I'd never make that statement.

Thank you for pointing out that it's not necessary for bdsm to happen in an intimate relationship because there can be other safety measures in place. That's a really good point and made me realise that I falsely conflated safe partner and intimate relationship. A partner can be safe for other reasons than intimacy, for example because of pre-installed rules of conduct. Still, person A needs to trust person B will adhere to those rules. For people who experienced that others regularly disregard their boundaries (something that I believe is ingrained in the standard evangelical culture as "normal") they might have a hard time to imagine that this actually works: boundaries being respected. Does that mean bdsmers have to do literally anything about other people having issues like that? Simply, no.

What this topic of "bdsm is oftentimes just another form of sensation seeking" boils down to, in my perspective, is whether a sense of a secure base is given or not given. Because that deeply shapes how people interact with the world, shapes their biases, their mindsets, their likelihood to take opportunities, and so on. That's what fascinates me about this topic.

I'm not your enemy. I loved your post. I'm actually exploring bdsm myself and have a very positive view of it. I also don't hold anyone responsible for my sensitivities, weaknesses, anxieties, etc. I'm on a journey to learn from others and grow. And I don't believe that there would have been nearly as much misunderstanding here if this was a face to face conversation. The thing is, if I only shared thoughts when I can ensure that my wording is perfect and there is no ambiguity or room for misunderstanding, then I'll never have another conversation in my life. I promise you to try better next time though, and I appreciate the input that also helped me gain a better understanding. I just wish you wouldn't have gotten so mad at me. I think it's unfortunate that these kinds of topics can rarely be discussed in online spaces as a conversation with mutual interest and the benefit of the doubt given, but instead it's right off the bat angry. I respect your feelings and apologise that I offended you. On the other hand I also feel I'm accused of way more offenses than I actually committed.

While I was writing this I decided to remove my reblog post, first an foremost because it was written rushed from a quick idea, not revised, my arguments poorly constructed with lots of room for misunderstanding, and doesn't properly reflect my actual views.

I also hope that me removing it will make you feel better since my intention was not to offend you. Genuinely. I'm not trying to be sarcastic here. I really liked your original post. I'll keep this up for now so you have the chance to read my response, but I'm not interested in further interactions (i.e. more accusations and misunderstandings).

I wish you a wonderful day (again I'm not being sarcastic, I mean it).

Also, there is so much hand-wringing over the ethics of BDSM and while obviously it is worth taking care about ...sensation seeking is a thing. Many, many people enjoy eating habanero peppers and/or watching movies that make them cry. The conceptual leap from there to the idea that it's possible for sex to hurt good is a very short one, and sometimes it REALLY is as simple as that.

[heralthcaremarketingblogs]

A Complete Guide On How To Prepare For Hysterectomy Surgery

Hysterectomy is an aggressive surgical procedure required in cases of serious medical conditions that affect women. The entire uterus is surgically removed from the body because of conditions like cancer, uterine prolapse, abdominal bleeding, and fibroids. After going through a hysterectomy surgery, women can’t get pregnant anymore or continue their menstrual cycles.

Based on the types of hysterectomy surgery performed, in some cases, the ovaries along with the uterus are removed from the body. Going through this surgery can be anxiety-inducing because it is a big change for anyone’s life. However, there are ways you can properly process your emotions and prepare for the surgery to ensure the optimal surgical outcome. So, let’s explore how to best prepare for hysterectomy and all the things you need to know about it.

How To Prepare For Hysterectomy Surgery?

The preparation for a procedure like this takes a considerable time because there are various steps you have to go through. Do note that all these steps are not just for medical purposes, some of them are to help you understand and come to terms with the changes your body will go through post-surgery.

So, let’s start a month before the surgery and from there let’s go through the preparation process up until the day of the surgery itself. Remember, it is okay to feel scared and have mixed feelings. Following these steps will help you get into the right mindset gradually and be properly prepared for the procedure.

A Month Before The Surgery

There are a few things you need to take care of during this period, which would initially help you prepare for the procedure. Do note that these steps take time hence you should start with them at least a month before your surgery.

Learning: It is important to first know what you are about to go through. It is important to read about the experience, how the procedure is performed, and the steps to recovery. All this information is crucial for you to set your expectations. And that’s the most important step in ensuring the surgery is successful and you are prepared for both what comes before and after it.

Stop Smoking: If you have a smoking habit, now is a good time to quit. This is mainly because your smoking habit can cause complications during the surgery. Smokers can have trouble breathing under general anaesthesia and also recover slower post-surgery compared to non-smokers. Additionally based on the underlying cause of your hysterectomy procedure, it might be a good reason also to quit anyway so as to not cause any further complications to your health.

Exercise Regularly: Even if it is just going for a walk, it’s important that you exercise regularly as it helps manage your blood pressure and blood sugar levels. Keeping other underlying conditions under control before the procedure is important. An all-in-one way to keep yourself healthy and keep your underlying conditions in check is to exercise regularly. Based on your fitness level you can choose to perform any exercise regularly before the surgery.

Manage Body Weight: If you are exercising, it will be a great way for you to manage your body weight too. Being overweight can cause complications during the surgery, especially with anaesthesia. Similarly, being overweight can increase your surgery time and cause more blood loss. You can discuss your weight with your doctor and check if you need to lose weight or not. They can also suggest other methods of weight loss alongside exercising.

A Week Before Surgery

Once you have gone through the previous steps, you will be in a much better position for your surgery. Just a week before the surgery, there are a few more steps you need to take to be completely ready. What are these steps? Let’s find out.

Pre-Surgical Checkup: Before the surgery, you need to go for a final checkup. The doctors assess your health and determine whether you are best fit for the surgery or not. Since, there is still a week left, any small inconsistencies can be managed in the time left. Also do note that you should ask doctors about your present medications during this visit to ensure nothing you are currently having will cause complications in your surgery.

Increase Liquid Consumption: Having more liquids can prevent conditions like constipation, which is a common post-surgery side effect for women. So, if you take time to increase your liquid consumption over time, it will help against this particular side effect as it can be considerably uncomfortable post-surgery.

Rearrange Your Home: Once you go through surgery, you won’t be able to move around the way you want to, and will require some time to be back to your best form. So, arranging your home in a way where you can easily access all the things you most commonly need is necessary. This will help you with your recovery and not put unnecessary stress on the surgery site while recovering.

A Day Before Surgery

You’re almost ready. A day before the surgery, you need to focus on relaxing your body and getting the necessary rest. You should also focus on eating light and following your doctor’s orders on bowel cleaning before the surgery. They might prescribe an oral medication that will help clear your bowel before the surgery. Apart from this, there is not much else to do today. Just sit back and relax and keep yourself well-rested before the surgery.

The Day of The Surgery

The day is finally here. You have spent an entire month waiting for this day. Your preparation is spot on, and there’s nothing you need to worry about right now. On the morning of your surgery, you should skip your breakfast. The doctors will recommend that you remove all jewellery pieces before going to the hospital. If you have any piece of jewellery that you wear for religious reasons, you can ask your doctor if you can wear it to the hospital or not. And that’s it. You are all ready to go through a hysterectomy.

Ending Note: These are the steps on how to prepare for your hysterectomy procedure. Now that you know what to expect, you have already completed your due diligence on how to prepare for the surgery and are one step closer to going through it. To learn more about the procedure from our experts, feel free to contact us using our website or visit us today. Thanks to our experience working with the best hysterectomy specialists in Delhi, we can offer the best surgical services with a quick recovery and minimal risks.

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[broken-lycan]

@thegreymoon replied to your post “@thegreymoon reblogged your photo and added: “Merlin Modern Tattoo AU...”

Just my two cents regarding answering the questions in extra posts (since you asked, of course, but I'm not the greatest at Tumblr etiquette, so take what I say with a grain of salt). I personally like to answer things in a reblog because then the entire thing is right in front of me. I'm the kind of person who likes to read conversations, tags, blogs and reblogs and separate posts are scattered.

I don't know if it's this way for others, but for me, the post with the answer opens the original post/text of the post just partially and then I have to click on an additional link to get the context when it appears on my dash. Mind you, I don't think of it as 'spam' and don't have strong feelings for it one way or the other, except for the fact that a reblog has everything visible right there, in a single thread.

Also, regarding the increased number of notes. I came to Tumblr from LiveJournal, from a fandom community where a bunch of us would have entire discussions and meta in the comments. A single post would go into dozens of comments from 3-4 users debating something silly. This was normal to me, and fun, because I like reading the discourse and taking part in it.

I was so surprised to discover a whole subset of social media users who consider replying to comments to your own posts bad form because they think it artificially 'inflates' the number of notes. This never occurred to me in all the years of posting and commenting on fanworks and I still don't get the logic.

I'm aware that people find me annoying on Tumblr because I ramble all the time (as you can see, I run out of space in the comment section all the time long before I finished saying what I want). Anyway, the point I'm trying to say is that I like single threads regardless of the amount of notes, but that this is a personal preference that may not be entirely compatible with Tumblr culture. I also still struggle with tags  😭

thank you answering this! I didn't expect anyone to actually say anything :))

I get what you say and I think as a person who leaves comments on other ppl´s posts I agree with you. also I´ve never been on livejournal

as the person who posts sth... when a post gets 20 notes at most (as I expect these manips to go) its kinda sad if I look back at the post and see it has 20 notes. but when I open them... like... 10 of those are my own replies.

it's not about other people´s comments (I love those, don't ever stop) it's more my own reblogs.

on ao3 for example you have the number of comments and comment threads. so you can just look at the comment thread number and know how many ppl commented.

idk... I guess I´ll think about it. maybe at some point, I´ll be like “fuck it! I´ll reblog my own posts as often as I want” I´ll see

I say stuff in the tags that I don't wanna say in the posts or stuff that isn't as important as the actual posts

EDIT: I almost forgot! if you want I can answer your comments with reblogs? if thats better for you? I dont mind

[novainthevoid]

Listen you guys… I just… I just need to talk about Logan. I need to talk about my boy…

Because I see a lot of interpretations of him that have him being kind of a dick/not caring about anyone or anything and that’s totally fine! The fun part of fandom is getting to interpret characters in tons of different ways and it makes it so much more interesting. But you guys…

Okay, so the times that I think make ppl see Logan like this come from times where he doesn’t realize how (or the extent that) his words/actions might hurt others. Like in Moving On when he’s trying to get them back to a healthier mindset and he accidentally hurts Patton’s feelings. In these situations, I think that Logan demonstrates low empathy: he has a hard time comprehending how his actions might make other people feel. It’s a pretty common trait in some neurodivergent people and though it’s pretty regularly demonized, it does not mean that someone is a bad person.

I saw a post a long time ago talking about empathy vs sympathy vs compassion and while Logan may have a hard time with empathy I think he genuinely shows a lot of compassion. Logan consistently tries to right his wrongs once he realizes that his actions hurt others: he may not realize that they would hurt beforehand, but once he does realizes he puts in the effort to fix that. He’s one of the most accepting sides and he often notes that all the sides are important parts of Thomas, including the ones that no one else seems to like. And he often puts his knowledge to use in helping others, like in ways to help with anxiety and respect of others boundaries (cough cough Virgil’s name reveal cough cough).

Anyways, tl;dr I love Logan and though he might struggle with empathizing with others, he shows a lot of acceptance and compassion towards others and clearly cares about them in his own way.