#and then offered to let me vent but one
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like i know it’s dumb i should have moved out already, i already know my mom doesn’t like me, but it’s like hm. gonna cry at work bc my mom doesn’t want me and really hasn’t ever wanted me and what does that say about me that my own mother doesn’t want/love me
#personal#it’s insane how if i ever get in an abusive relationship it’s gonna be like ur just like my mother#like telling me to kill myself keep my hair a certain way lose weight kick me out in just a t shirt 1 am#like anyone does that it’s gonna be like ur not my mom i need at least 20 years of background work for this to make me stay#no but just getting emo about how much my mom does not like me#just want to go home and cry in bed but also home is not safe and hasn’t been safe#ah#my brother tried comforting me with budgeting but that made me cry harder#and he’s like you don’t want to hear it rn but here’s this info for moving out#and then offered to let me vent but one#how do i articulate more than what ive said that ive very sad this is my life#my mom feels how she feels about me#and no one can save anyone and i’m fucked#and he gets most parts of mom but he can’t relate to the fact she hates me#or really understand it#two man i just wish someone killed me last night#like i just wanna get away from the bad feeling but the bad feeling is from inside the house#so it’s like :| wish mom loved me or i was dead
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I have had it with these motherfucking spam bots on this motherfucking site.
#personal#tumblr stuff#vent post#spam bots#i've been getting like 1000 spam bot followers a day for the last few days and blocking them all is getting--dare i say--TEDIOUS#wake up. block 300 bots. go to work. come home and block 500 more bots. spend evening checking tumblr to block bots. it's becoming a chore#it's starting to feel like I offended the tumblr gods or something. this is ridiculous. but like hell will i let them win#i won't let my follower count be 50% bots. i feel like a deserve a tumblr badge or something for fending off so many bots.#tribble#the trouble with tribbles#a very apt metaphor i think for these bloody spam bots; block one and five more come to take its place#but upside: the spam bots are helping me compile a Rosetta Stone for the word 'Untitled'. woo#also if you just joined tumblr and want to follow me: for the love of god personalise your bloody blog#i don't care if you have a icon or a summary. if your blog and likes are empty i'm blocking you#because i don't trust empty blogs and i really don't have the time to sort out who's real or not right now#(though if the blog's offering free mp3s 'just click the link!' or is advertising US keto gold coast gummies i know for sure it ain't real)#but hey! good news to people who followed me in the last four days who haven't been blocked; you passed the blog captcha test#anyway just had to get this frustration out of my system; gonna go block some more bots now i guess. i'll be very happy when this stops
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#I get tired of people trying to explain what lens I should view the world through; what way I could think that would make everything better#forgive me but I don't care; I do what I do and I do what I can and you don't see the work I do under the hood#I don't want advice on self validation or whatever; I want... I want someone to hold a mirror up so I can actually see myself#by which I mean I want input on how I'm doing; if it's good enough; if it's worth anything; if anything I make is good#everyone things I'm nice; everyone has always thought I'm nice#but given nice leaves me profoundly isolated I don't think I care#not to mention in my opinion what nice in this instance means is that I'm capable of listening#it's mostly that I have manners rather than some quality about me#I'm well behaved and polite and can listen; and that's perceived as nice or even sweet#and it's not like I'm offended by people seeing me that way; but maybe you can get why... I can't do anything with that information#but if I'm doing enough... if I provide any value to the world... I might have heard that less times in my life than years I've lived#that's where I'm totally blind#people don't tend to offer any input; and also people don't tend to let me know what they're thinking#and I in fact am not a mind reader; I can often accurately infer things; but no of that means a thing till it's confirmed#and... well... hopefully no one reads the stupid shit I say and especially not the tags so this is safe and hidden#but truthfully people just like to hear that stuff they're doing is wanted and matters#and I do not#I don't know... gotta go do more cleaning cause I need to#and I have no idea if... I've got a reason for fighting so hard to clean; but I get very little input so... I expect... well...#and thankfully I don't think they read my tags so I can say this#but I really expect they won't take me up on my offer to come out here and get away from their parents; so there will be no pay off#not that I blame them in the slightest... it's just the only possible pay off for this cleaning would be helping someone I like out#and a scrap of company#but then again... in many ways anyone coming out to live with me is the worst thing they could probably do#sorry... I have a rather bleak outlook on many things surrounding myself purely cause of what I infer from the past#there is never pay off; only more shit I need to get done#I will never be loved; I will never be wanted; I will always just kinda be an afterthought that's occasionally worth venting to#no one will ever be particularly interested in anything I'm interested while I'll chase their interests or at least try to#certainly let them talk about them when they want#...though I take that over my normal total isolation... better to at least be permitted to follow in someone's shadow than have nothing
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I'm sorry for my posts today, I guess the stress from the entirety of September was piled too high and is collapsing onto my head. I'm just so tired y'all....
#the dentist office in town offers walk ins so i COULD go tomorrow but two peoblems#i cant afford to do a payment plan. after sending rent and bills im left with barely enough for any groceries needed.#i can get maybe 5 things if im lucky#also im scared. im scared to go alone. its too short notice to ask my friend to pick me up and take me. i cant do that to him.#so do i just wait until i can afford the 120$ insurance plan and risk the infection getting worse or spreading#or do i go and risk not beinf able to pay the bill and get into yet another debt#i dont think i even wanna do this for me#all i can rhink about is my niece and how is she supposed to have a good like when im the only one with decent credit#thst could get a house with a yard and her own room#whos gonna be the one to take care mom amd dad if i bite it yknow? because thats my biggest responsibility#taking care of two disabled adults bc one cant works bc hes legally blind and the other cant get approval to work from her heart dr#their ssi could decrease or lower at any point in time as demonstrated multiple times this year alone#so yeah im only doing the right thing and at least TRYING to see a dentist for their benefit and not mine#my benefit is i continue to live with slightly healither teeth? no because id rather let myself deteriorate into nothing#but i dont the choice because i have people depending on me financially and i cant fail because if i fail things worse for them#and if things get worse for them its just another one of my fuck ups#sometimes i wish i just burned in the house fire in 2008#talkies#vent
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‘the most crucial skill that a good drinksmith needs is listening… drinksmithing is all about having conversations with your guests’
tea house owner!reader energy for real
#my mind shot straight there when siobhan said this in the hsr event#hey guys#what if i just steal the concept of the event and write a continuation?#the reader does spy on people and accept bribes for jobs blah blah blah#but they also offer free therapy over tea!#(but only if they like the person if course) (everyone else is getting eavesdropped on)#…i started writing this as a joke but hey it could be fun#if i ever write a continuation of that fic i might do something like that#high cloud quintet members coming for therapy after baiheng dies#reader helping couples talk through problems in their relationship calmly#i’m a sucker for characters who are very elusive and sneaky and cold but when it comes to it have a heart of gold#‘yes i will expose your enemy’s business blah blah but hang on let me help this lost child find their parents first’#‘oh you’re not being patient? you think your rivalry is more important than this child? actually you can keep the money and leave thank you#[turning to child] ‘now tell me where you last saw your parents’#and with their connections from the various dealings they’ve had around the xianzhou they’d be really good at dealing with these situations#and with regards to the jing yuan aspect of things i firmly believe he needs somebody with kindness and warmth in them to fall for them#reader can’t all be bribery and dodgy deals#imagining him coming to the shop one day to get some information they’ve gathered or whatever#and they’re like ‘shush not now i’m hearing this girl vent about her shit partner’#or doing something nice#and he falls even harder#sorry i have gone on an absolute tangent here#i don’t know what demon possessed me#maybe i will write a part two who knows#that reader would certainly be a fun one to flesh out#r’s random thoughts
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Nope, I'm still crying
#i wish literally anybody from school remembered me#literally only 2 people i was friends with hace talked to me in the past four years#i had the realization tonight that i was never given the choice to nurture most of my friendships#everytime i tried outside of school hours including trying to join clubs my mom would make me leave halfway through then lecture me#that she didn't have time to drive to town and get me#but as soon as my brother wanted to join junior air force she suddenly had all the time and energy in the world to devote to that#so what I'm getting here is that my friendships and interests weren't important enough or worth her time#i wasn't interested in Junior air force 1 cause it wasn't offered to me and 2 I'm not a boit licker#no#i was interested in the video game and board game clubs cause my friends were in them and they WANTED me to join#but after not getting to stay for more than one full session after a month i left the board game club cause it wasn't fair to the others#and i only went to the video game clu once and i don't remember much of it cause i was too anxious that she was gonna flip on me#i kept waiting for her text but instead she showed up at the classroom and made me leave#so when the same teacher that ran the board game club asked if i wanted to join the chess club cause he knew i liked chess#i told him i couldn't cause i was too busy because i didn't want to deal with begging my mom to let me join#she would have said yes but would have continued not letting me stay and being super passive aggressive#I'm not even in the year book for the year my friends graduated#the one thing she did let me do was drama and i hated every second of it. it was genuinely a bad experience for me#yeah i had friends in drama but it's not the same as hanging with my nerdy guy friends playing a star wars ttrpg#the worst part is she gets so defensive when i bring it up and won't give me a reason outside of 'I guess I'm just the worst parent'#it's in those moments i really remember she's the youngest in her family#OH!! it gets worse! she told me when i was younger that she had to be an honorary cheer leader cause HER MOM absolutely refused to#let her join cheer and she's alsways been bitter about it but then she turns around and did basically the same thing to me ffs#at least she was allowed to hang out with people after-school i wasn't allowed to do that either#no. instead i spent the hours after shcool alone most days and my weekends home alone in my room. and she wonders why my social skills are#maybe if I'd been allowed to work on my relationships outside of a classroom i wouldn't have felt so abandoned when everyone i knew#graduated without me. maybe if i didn't have to start back at square one socially again and had people to text and hang with after class#i wouldn't have dropped out. and i think only atlas knows i dropped out. idk how to text these people without spunding like I'm looking for#sympathy when they ask what I'm up to. like yeah I'm stuck at home with an anxiety disorder and unemployed trying to get on disability#prisma vents
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#mainly i’m just offering a place of no judgement where we can talk#a friendly ear ya know?#it can be on anon i’m not forcing ppl to expose themselves or anything#i don’t wanna make ppl uncomfortable#it’d kinda like a shitty version of group therapy i suppose?#i see all those blogs and i’m like should i have one?#not that im the sort of person you should be listening to but like i can at least listen if i don’t have good advice#sometimes we all need someone to listen and i could be that person for you#if i actually make this blog#i’m looking for feedback and if people are actually gonna send stuff#honestly it doesn’t have to be major#talk about small annoyances just to vent if you wanna#i’m mainly thinking of it as a way of like idk i’m been through bad times and i know life in general sucks and i wanna help people#and make them feel better even if it’s only a little or in a small way#idk let me know?#i would also need to think of a name for it if i actually do end up making it imao#gwen rambles#gwenposting
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Love how obvious it is when something trends organically vs bot activity just looking at the trending tab
#also kinda embarrassed about hititng tag limit in that last post lol sorry about that#feel free to feel like im offering you my diary to read even tho i never kept one and idk if that's a thing w diaries#like sure they're supposed to be private but like that's it? or is it like a sort of self/auto pen pal thing that you show to#those who are the closest to you?#do ppl exchange diaries? like in that one manhwa with karno and the pastry chef princess?#i have what my sister calls a junk journal that i fill with what little bits n pieces i can#it even has a little mirror! bc her friend broke the oreo sandwich themed mirror hair brush thing i let her borrow lol#so i took the loose mirror and washitaped it to the lil notebook#and a top loader with a lile sticker?? draken polaroid a friend got me from a sort of themed event in an anime themed café or something#and a lot of post its with my doodles lol#and one doodle my sister made!#it's a round frog heehee i put keropi in another smaller note under it and a han (skz#skz like his little mascot thing) underneath ith#personal#vent
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putting wavouge on the same list as espilver, aka “i don’t trust the fandom to do this properly so if you make any content of it whatsoever i am fagblasting away from you so hard”
#i stg some of you have no respect for female characters and it shows#same ppl who will kill themselves over a crumb of source material if it’s for a guy#like oh let me write essays about men but for the women? have them do crime and kiss bc lesbian#its so fucking REDUCTIVE GOD#YOU CAN MAKE LESBIAN SHIPS GOOD#do you know how hard it is to be a fan of wave or rouge when all the fucking content is either big sister or mom friend or cute lesbian gf#do you know how GRATING it is to see female characters shipped with each other in a reductive way#offer me one piece of wavouge that isn’t cookie cutter service lesbians i fucking dare you#wanna know the worst part? AT LEAST WHISPTANGLE IS AN IDW SHIP WHICH MAKES IT BLORBOFIED#IT MAKES SENSE WHY PEOPLE WOOB THEM DOWN#WAVE IS FROM A GAME I BET CAME OUT BEFORE MOST OF YOU WERE BORN#AND THAT FEW PEOPLE EVEN PLAY#GOD. I BET YOU DONT EVEN KNOW THE SOL DIMENSION SHIT#and this isn’t gatekeeping!!! this is a plea for EFFORT#sure maybe you don’t know everything about sonic like i do but maybe if you want to make better fan content you should idk. study the source#rsaejtjfjgjfkdkd#this is turning into a vent. ok bye
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it's tag venting time
#i've had this friendship. of like. 5 years#and well#we used to be really really close#and in hindsight i guees it was because we literally saw each other for 8 hours straight every day of the week#and then that stopped happening#i literally haven't seen this person in about a year and a half i think? maybe more?#despite the fact that we basically live walking distance from each other. which. already says a lot#but then there's also a bigger issue. because hey i get it we're both busy ppl it's okay if qe haven't seen each other in a while#(despite the fact that in this case it is because of a lack of trying -i like to believe not on my part- but ignoring that)#we text sporadically when we have something to let off our chest so it's like this back and forth of voice notes every week or so#but lately its has turned into them sending me groups of 5-minute voice notes at a time because their life is so. so dramatic#and like. hey if this were still like a mutual communication i would enjoy it because i am indeed a good listener#and i like to believe i guve good advice. and i used to give this person good advice like. it was a nice friendship back then#but it became so one-sided as in i received info dumps and vents about the same stuff over and over and the few times i talked about myself#i received some half-hearted dismissals like. oh cool or oh that's so sad. anyways. and then we went back to talking about them.#and it was so frustrating but at first i thought well if they're gonna use me as a venting device so will i despite getting no input like#they became a void to me which i was getting gradually accustomed to it was fine. but then today they asked if i could talk on the phone#i said yes because i wanted to prove my theory. the plan was: i answer#let them talk without offering any input whatsoever. see how long they can just talk and talk and then in the end see if my lack of answer-#-elicited any reaction at all. and unsurprisingly it didn't. i waited for them to finish and then i thought#well at least they might ask me how my day was or something just to confirm i was listening like idk but#i personally would find the quiet unsettling and would ask.but they didn't even do that. asked me if i had homework i said yes. that was it#that was IT!!! i felt so frustrating but at least i was entirely correct and it does hurt to lose a friend but this had been coming#for a long long time. the thing is though i cant just cut this person off#i hate confrontation so all i cant do is keep up this sort of a 'quiet quitting' kind of attitude. pretty easy to do with someone like this#so anyway. that's how you realize a friendship is fake and now i am a bit angry and also sad. but i guess i'll deal with it and move on#if you read all this hi and sorry for the venting. i just had to get it off my chest#vent post
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every now and again i am hit by the knowledge that i am a deeply cringe, untalented, unmotivated person. and then i just have to go on with my day.
#ow ow ow ow my brain literally hurts thinking about this#this is mostly just about my diss draft which is not getting written#but it's also about everything else in my life or lack thereof#the diss is just emblematic#ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#and then some people have the audacity to say#oh i'm sure that's not true#literally one what do you know#and two give me one counter example#you can't so there#i'm surrounded by people that are at the top of their class#with job offers from any place they might concievably want to go to#who also manage to juggle rich social lives and organising events and working on solo hobbies#who are interesting and well read and are generally good people besides#and then there's me#even this is cringe!!!!!!#the fact that i am even letting myself post this is unbelievably cringe and pathetic#i would like to not be me like effective 22 years ago#pls#vent
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the "having the new car" part is very cool I will admit. even the dumb phone app that's subscription based but they give you 1 year complementary to hook you ig
it's the everything else you still gotta deal with after buying the car that is sulking for me lmao, like, so much happened and I kind of just had to trust that I wasn't signing stupid shit. And also I gotta check the paper copies they gave me and see if I was supposed to receive some additional documents thru email or if they already gave it to me. and then figure out the online account for the financing (though I may need to wait for the letter in the mail...?). and decide if I try to pay it off right away or keep it open for a bit, like how much of an impact on my credit score would it be to open it and then close it right away (sidebar: it's such bullshit that paying off a loan lowers your credit score because "you closed an account." if anything that should IMPROVE your score. How is paying min payments on time proof you can meet payments but paying off early not proof you can repay loans. fake-ass garbo). and still figure out insurance lmao... though hopefully my parents will help me w that like they said they would (I got a quote for a solo policy lmao and mother was like, that's too much, it's less to add it to the existing plan (tho I'd have to add one of them to the title for that, and I'd have to pay off the loan before I can do that or else they'd have to get added to the loan too)).
and THEN I gotta give the guy a good review bc he offered me the car for msrp no markup lmao, which my mother still thinks is too high but okay mother things right now are So Very Different from when you last bought a car in 2014, supply had been way down due to supply chain redirects and the used car market is hot though cooling down, and apparently dealerships are pivoting their strategies and aren't filling lots with cars that they then have to lower prices on to move (literally was on the radio today, so by the time it's hit the news it's already well underway to being done that way). I think the car I looked at, it was the only one in the area in that color actually lol, and the TrueCar price was like, maybe $50 under MSRP, and like at that rate I didn't feel like I had leverage to bargain the price unless I played hard to get lmao, but I'd have to have gone in with that attitude which I didn't.
#adulting cw#sort of a ramble/vent post ig#goodness is this shit. overwhelming lmaob#I think I do have some newfound sympathy for the clients I deal with in my job#like it's familiar to me but not necessarily for them and there's so much going on and @_@#tho unlike my clients who know they paid us to take care of their shit for them lol I'm like. @_@ I hope the#dealership isn't screwing me over somehow out of their self interest lmao#I mean it did seem like I got it for MSRP and then fucking. fees and taxes brought it up another $3k lmao. so it went from $30.9k to $34.5k#and then I added on vsc for $2k and GAP for $900#lmao my mother was like. hm $37k way too high. I would have brought it to $33k or $34k#and it's like... well tbh if I didn't do the vsc or GAP then it would be that#woman you can't compare buying conditions from the 90s or 2000s or like your latest exp from 2014 to now#like just think of the massive changes in society due to smartphones and socmed and internet proliferation#let alone pandemmy splashdown effects#I mean I would have been thrilled if I could have gotten the price down another couple thou#but the only other truecar listing I found was one listed 85 days ago for $5k more lmao#the tc listing for the other dealership near here (not this color) was like same price#and also. the guy just offered msrp right off the bat lol I didn't even have to fight for it#I wasn't gonna fight over a truecar estimate of $48 less lmao#and truly the other dealership tc estimate did include the markup. and it was in the toady green m#lmfao my mother was like 'hrm for almost $40k you could get a better car...' mom regardless of sticker price you'd still have + fees :')#anyway. whatever. I think maybe the only leverage was if I said well I could also go the used route. which I was considering lol. but they#only had silver. and like I feel like a white crossover looks 'classy' but silver looks... naked lmao#okay tbh I didn't mind the orange. it was kinda cool. I just didn't know about driving it long term#and also anyway they only had orange for the PHEV#but yeah the orange had this kind of shimmer to it so it was kind of like fire-colored
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wedding planning is stressful and expensive, and we're not even having a WEDDING wedding
#mostly it's the fact that no one has offered to help us pay for anything#maybe that was an unrealistic expectation on our part#but it seems like every other wedding i've heard of involves friends or family contributing#at least a little bit#I'm trying to brainstorm money making ideas#also probably going to set up a honeyfund or honeymoon fund or whatever it's called#anyway thanks for letting me vent#briana rambles#tw: wedding#wedding
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God that mood where you both need to do stuff and want to do stuff but both needs are vague and have too many options so you just. Do nothing you want or need to do and realize all the time you had is disappearing. A good time!!!
#haeroniel talks#forget the tag oh well#but for real. had 4 days off work and a ton of real life stuff i both have to get done and have been meaning to get done for a long time#ive pretty much only played video games and called my friends. genuinely not time wasted and i love when i get to do that#and like rn i would love to play more games and spend time with my friends like if one offers you know i never say no#but its also already getting dark and i have to go back to work tomorrow and ive not done everything i promised to have done yknow?#time doesnt feel real and i dont wanna get up even if the anxiety slowly builds to hopefully productive panic#but in the mean time im like ugghh i wanna stop laying around just playing sudoku and watching lame youtube. i wanna play something#(unclear what it is i actually wanna play too many options i kinda wanna play all of them and none huehheh)#im also very sad i havent drawn in ages and any attempt just feels shit. like maybe if i read enough fanfic thatll respark the love.#id love to post something before christmas to get me excited to draw again over the break but who the hell knows if i'll manage#and yeah still have the annoying job related/driving school related/therapy applying/other life admin that really really should be done#im just being grouchy and stuck and need to vent hi tumblr love you all kiss kiss i wish i could function better#i think maybe perhaps. ill concede that driving school and therapy arent priority (important but ive wasted ages on them already)#i think i can do work related things bc theyre sort of fun. i can use my parents help to whack through the life admin and then#maybe i can let myself spend the rest of the evening guilt free either calling my friends and/or playing or if im going totally w drawin
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y’all remember halloween and i had my worst meltdown to date outside of attempts? similar build up rn actually
#personal#:)#i’m not doing great. my brother asked how i’m doing and it’s the first time#in a very long time someones asked me that without me begging them to example when i broke my foot#anyway he sent me that after i was making sure he’s been calling our dad and it led to me violently sobbing bc no one ever asks me that#and i’m just overwhelmed constantly#and yesterday my mom said my brother offered to let dad stay with him#other brother than the one who asked im doing it’s the one who broke my door on christmas#and she said it was so nice not to feel alone in this fight and i want to scream#which i have been in my car my floor anywhere i can it’s really easy to just scream till i can’t and cry lately#and it’s like i mean nothing.#like all the talks we have all the constant venting to me every conversation ending with me giving her money or treats or WHATEVER#like the night my brother called her i was like hey. i know this is bad and dads abusive to you. that gets lost in translation a lot and#you get pained as the villain but you’re not. this is horrible and i recognize that and want you to know#between helping my dad all the time like even while in the rest room i just have to be available#and my moms calling me to make sure he eats im paying btw and clean the house and fix a lamp#and half i can’t do bc of my dad#and she came home and was like heat this up for dad and i just broke i lied and said i feel on my foot bc i was screaming#and she starting muttering some shit about me but took care of my dad#and then my friends want to hang out and i get it most people need to hang out with friend occasionally#but i turn them down and he’s like trying to keep asking me and i’m like no i need to rest and do my taxes it’s been a bit hectic between#family emergencies new full time job and a broken foot#but he keeps pushing ti im just like no i’m not going out. i don’t want to get into it but life is very bad for me rn#frankly speaking i would kill myself than go out tonight tomorrow or even next week (we have plans next week) but i should be normal enough#by next week to hang.#and it’s like this with so many fucking people and the only people i would willingly see rn#is audrey and gg and my brother and sure i have plans tomorrow but i’m not super excited about it#and they should be quick!#if i get anymore push back i’m just canceling all plans and going mia i just can’t do this
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#told my roommate ive been depressed this weekend and she kindly offered to watch a movie but i knew shed be too tired and need to cancel#bc of the clocks changing and its ok i know how tired she gets i was the one to suggest it was okay if she cant + it was still a nice idea#but now im alone for the evening again ive been alone all weekend and weekends are the hardest for me and i thought i was feeling a little#better but im not and theres nothing to stop me from harming which is okay i keep it safe and its always a choice i make to do it or not#not anyone elses responsibility but i didnt want.to be alone tonight thats all. and offering something she knows she cant fulfil makes me#feel rejected too and i also wanted to talk abt some of her behaviour that upsets me sometimes but gently bc i dont want it to seem like#im blaming her bc its not her fault im so bad at communicating and neurotic and weird abt shit that doesnt even make sense#but its been bothering me for a really long time and it comes up again every time we meet with other people and i get really upset over it#and im the one that keeps putting off talking about it but its so hard when its been gping on so long and i find it so hard to express#anything and communicate especiallt when its shit like this but im so so so so tired of sitting on it i just want it resolved one way or#another and now i wont see her for a few days bc of this family trip and itll be on my mind the whole time and the thought is making me#feel insane already ive wasted so many hours and hours being upset by her and not being able to talk abt it i need it to stop its not even#that big a deal.it just is to me. and i dont know how to say anythign ever#and she wants to make plans with friends next weekend which feels like hoisting an anvil above my head bc if i dont go i risk having a#rejection sensitive episode bc im vulnerable rn and this is exactly what happened over the summer and it took me months to recover from but#if i do go ill get upset bc ill feel unwanted there and ill be dealing with the same issue that comes up every fucking time and either way#ill end up harming in response to it bc i cant handle how intense my emotions are and i dont have any better outlets right now#for these specific feelings and i dont want to do that i want to be a normal fucking human being who doesnt lock themself in a#stupid fucking iron maiden style repression over completely innocuous shit that no one would even know im reacting this way to#i cant do it i cant do thjs anymore i cant i want it to stop im so tired and it hurts so so much feeling so much like this#they should make a mind for me that is capable of not inflicting distress this intense on itself i need to explode#actually. maybe since i wont see her for a couple days i can write a long discord message about it instead. i know its a shitty way to#deliver information but maybe it would be easier that way rather than trying to summon the courage to say anything in person when im#usually actively upset abt it at the time and my immediate response to getting upset is to shut down and not express which doesnt help#and its so stupid but i need it to not be like this i cant keep living with her and getting so upset so regularly it has to stop now#ill think about itand maybe draft it. and then i can decide. but right now i need to eat. and pack. and then cut sorry. but its ok#ughhhhfdhf. please let this week be better ill try harder ill say something i have to im the one inflicting this on myself by not talking#about it!!!!!!!!! so. man and i think my dinner is cold now too. oh well#.vent#tw self harm
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