#and then i had to waste them on therapy

[imeminemp3]

anyway im really bored and i feel whacked out and i think im gonna go to bed and watch mash and hopefully wake up feeling super energised tomorrow

[arainmorn-art]

Lots and lots and lots of thoughts. Also have some earlier sketches of Pheen, exactly from the period when I’ve decided to make his stupid face features even sharper. You know, English is not my native language, it’s actually Russian. But for some reason, even though I’m not at all fluent in English, it’s easier for me to talk about some weird stuff in it.  Of course Deciphering is a big project, I’m working on it for 9 month since I’ve started it, as I made myself not to draw the comic before I’d be fully confident in my script, which led to rewriting it 4 times. And even now it’s the 5th version as before there were no magical adventure in Edgey’s mind, no swords and flowers, the way to know how he feels inside, as outside he is quite reserved.

And it’s also a therapeutic journey for me. Yeah, duh, who am I trying to surprise with it? Anything we create is a projection of our own self. And through Phoenix, whom I love very much in canon games, I also deal with my own stuff.

For some reasons I relate to this character a lot. He seems to me like a person, who sincerely doesn’t see a big value in himself. He is not just being humble, nothing besides his job of saving people is a big deal.  

And he thinks he is not worthy of being loved.

Yes, his friends like him, his daughter loves him, but those are other forms of love. Being caring and likable is not a big deal, bringing home a lost child and rearing her is what any decent person and parent must do. Being selfless is a norm.

And looking at Edgeworth, a brilliant famous professional, a gorgeous smart man and a dear friend, Nick might believe a very sad thing: “I am not worthy”. Of course, through the rose-tinted glasses of being in love there are tendencies to feel blue and self-conscious of yourself, but it’s not the case. It’s about feeling weak and broken. It’s about looking at yourself and thinking: “No way a person I deeply value will think highly of the wreck like me”, as it’s also about being very, very harsh with yourself. It’s about believing that unless you are a harmonious strong-willed collected person with everything put together you do not deserve being loved.

But the thing is through the story I wrote about him, Nick is constantly fighting this numbing blob of insecurities, sitting like a nasty tumor inside his mind. He wants to try, he wants to check, what if, what if he is the only one who stops himself of being romantically loved. What if he actually has something to be loved. Both of them will have their character arcs through the comic, but Miles’s core struggle is the center of the story and will be fully described closer to the end, while Nick is in the outer circle constantly and expressively getting and loosing hope.

I don’t understand my feelings. I’m so confused and conflicted. It’s the first time I am actually insecure about my protagonist’s appearance. I like the way I’m drawing him. I can see him in my head like that, tired, sleepless, sharp yet with the kindest smile, with big nose, messy hair, small sparkly blue eyes, nervous, emotional and deeply caring, being through so much yet thinking about himself so little – a person I really like. And at the same time my own mind make strange things to me: I’m looking at him and can’t believe he can be liked and loved by readers. I wrote him feeling about himself as “somewhere not enough, somewhere too much”, but I also look at my own drawing and think about exactly the same, “not enough and too much”. And even think a fictional Edgeworth might not love him back, what is there to love? Not enough courage, too much emotional turmoil. Not strong enough core, too much self-doubt. Not pretty enough, he is so far from his original anime look, just look at this face, it’s the face only mother will love. Not stoic enough. Not manly enough. Not assertive enough. Not collected enough. Not mature enough. Not enough. So strongly not enough…

And I must remind myself – that’s the point. I freakin’ made this point several month ago in the script, why am I so distressed writing about it now?

Edgeworth actually loves him for what he is. Nick is worthy. And he doesn’t have only several single traits to be loved. He can be loved as he is. Just like that. For being cheerful and bringing smiles. For being caring and emotional. Being funny looking and clumsy. Being a soft gentle selfless loser, helping people, nurturing the best in them. It has a value. It has a big value for people who care about us.

I like the thought that I wrote Nick as a very nervous lesbian trying to win a girl’s heart while fighting her own deeply low self-esteem x)

Too relatable. Too much projection x)

But looks like I really need it. I need this comic to be completed. I need to prove myself I am worthy of being loved.

[johndonneswife]

[j-esbian]

thinking abt how much of my life i’ve lost to depression and i truly want to throw up

[savage-rhi]

Late night magenta.

[idsb]

i really hope you can get a regular therapist when you get back to the states because i think it would really help with your ongoing relationship/life indecision. the understandings i got from therapy have helped so much when i now have disagreements with my husband.

I’m ngl I feel soooooo conflicted about this because I think I have tried enough therapists (6) in the past 5 years to be aware that like, my issues are things I’m aware of already and I spiral thinking about them in circles and circles and circles and all any type of therapist I’ve ever seen has done is be able to tell me things I already know / what the issues are, and then when I’m like “yup, I got that already, so what do I DO with that to actively fix it” but they never know what to say. It’s always “the first step is realizing x!” And then none of them can ever articulate what step 2 is. and I think over the amount of therapists I saw (I was literally seeing a different one every day, each with a different therapy style, for all of COVID bc it was 100% free in my state; my COVID project was “get mentally healthy”) and they all yielded that same result I’ve really lost faith in the ability for that sort of thing to be useful in light of the way my mind works. Which is very unfortunate!

[pepprs]

hm. i think i am going to stop going to counseling. he does not understand me. he pathologizes things that are not pathological.

[sunshinexlollipops]

I got yelled at by my (to be former) psychiatrist today. one of the things she got upset about was my depression and anxiety getting better. why? bc I improved while off medication.

the American mental "healthcare" system is a fucking joke and I'm not laughing.

[tortadecuchufli]

college related negativity under the cut

i have. 2 reading tests in one day. one after the other. And a report to turn in.

One asks for 11 readings. averaging 20 pages each. 3 of those are whole ass DSM 5 chapters. The other has 4 readings, averaging 30 pages each.

I've read like 4 of these.

[pocket-size-cthulhu]

I have been without cognitive behavioral therapy for several months and it's starting to show

[floral-hex]

Thought I’d get out for the night, so I’ve been sitting in this gaming lounge for the last hour and it’s… meh. Ordered an overpriced milkshake, just kind of hanging out. Honestly, I’d rather play games by myself at home than deal with whatever’s going on here. Well… it was worth a shot 😒

[haeroniel-doliet]

God that mood where you both need to do stuff and want to do stuff but both needs are vague and have too many options so you just. Do nothing you want or need to do and realize all the time you had is disappearing. A good time!!!

[rippedstitches]

Pretending I’m not rotting in my room for days on end by looking at my handheld silly images machine and simulating social interaction like a lab rat pressing the cocaine button until it dies

[thatdemiboymess]

Even just half-heartedly looking for work as someone who is legally blind, autistic, with no highschool diploma, GED, or degrees and who can't leave the house is a very specific kind of let-down and disappointment that just really makes a person depressed.

[obssessive101]

Dark angsty fics that end with everyone going to therapy and getting all better within a couple months with no real lasting impact from all they've been through is the "last chapter of Harry Potter where everyone is married with 2.5 kids" for me

[supermarketcrush]

i've always been intuitive of myself i like to think and my most recent revelation about myself is that therapy wouldnt work on me. id get mad at the therapist for assuming things about me and thinking well how could they know me better than me. you only know what i tell you. what if im fucking lying rn huh bozo. and then it would just derail and render any therapy session completely useless for me