#and the results are full of people with the same fucking problem with NO answers.

[rocketbirdie]

.

[weaselle]

it was too much i had to make my own post

line cook here. ACCURATE

if you don't get the hate, here's what you don't understand.

it takes up to 2 hours to close down the kitchen.

The last 60-90 minutes before closing time you do almost no cooking because the restaurant doesn't have many people in it and you've already cooked most of their diners.

So if someone walks in during, like, the last hour, the cook is in the middle of an industrial deep clean of the kitchen.

(these numbers can vary quite a bit from place to place but i have worked several restaurants with these actual times and the concept remains the same)

Say the place closes at 10. If you wait til the restaurant is already closed to start all your cleaning duties, you'll be there until at least midnight.

More than that your boss knows that on an average night you can start your clean up as soon as the last rush ends and get out of there around 10:45, even 10:15 on a slow night if you get lucky. That means there are plenty of restaurants where if you do take until midnight the manager is going to come up to you at some point that week and ask you what went wrong that night, and you'd better have an answer.

So this example restaurant closes at 10 pm. The dinner rush ends around 8:30, and shortly after that the cook is going to start getting every single dish possible over to the dishwasher because the dishwasher always gets hit hard and late, and the machine runs for 2 full minutes and only holds so many dishes, so the way that works out is if you wait an extra 30 minutes to give the dishwasher all your stuff it can mean adding like 60 minutes to the end of his shift. And you're gonna KEEP finding shit to send to the dishpit right up until you leave probably.

all these little square and rectangle containers in this cold table have to be pulled out and changed over into new containers, replaced by new full ones, or in some cases filled from larger containers in the back, which can result in even more empty containers to send to the dishwasher.

while it's all pulled apart to do this, you have to clean up all the spilled food and sauce and juices and stuff from the joints and ledges and shelves and drip trays

Once you get your line changed over in this way, and fully stocked, anytime someone orders something that makes use of a bunch of that stuff, you have to restock and re-clean it some. It might already be covered in plastic. Some of it might already be stuck in the back to make room to take apart your cutting board counter to clean. To cook a dish isn't TOO much of a problem at this point, but you're really hoping for zero orders because you still have so much other cleaning to do.

Meanwhile the salad bar and appetizer section and server station and everybody are all doing the same thing. Even the bartenders are stocking olives and lemons and sending back whisks and stir spoons and shakers and empty 4quart storage containers that used to hold the back-up lemons and olives and things. Every section is dumping their must-be-cleaneds to the dishpit as fast as possible because early and fast is the only thing they can do to to help that dishpit not absolutely drown into overtime.

The poor dishwasher is always the last to clock out, soaking wet and exhausted.

Around this time you probably scrub the flat top, which has turned black from cooked on grease and is still about 500 degrees. Line cooks are divided in opinion on water-based or oil based cleaning methods for this, but they all involve scrubbing with (usually) a brick of pumice stone using every ounce of your strength while you try not to burn yourself

you scrub it from fully blackened to gleaming silver and now if somebody orders something that needs the flat top to cook, you can either fuck up your cleaning job or fake it in a couple frying pans and pass that tiny fuck you down to your dishwasher (who usually understands, especially if you help them take the garbage out or clean your own floor drain later)

If there's deep fried stuff on the menu then the fryers have to be cleaned out, which includes straining the oil out into enormous and super-heavy pots full of oil so hot that if you spill on yourself then it's probably a hospital visit and if you slip and fall face first into it it'll be the last thing you ever do.

Then you gotta scrub out the fryer. Like you gotta take the (hot) screen out and reach your arm down into the weird rounded pipes and curved areas (so hot, burn you if you brush against them hot) and scrub off whatever is down there

Depending on your kitchen you might have to do up to four of these. Then you'll have to pour the (dangerously hot) oil back in

oh, and if you didn't dry the pipes and get ALL the water out of the trap and tank?

water reacts with hot oil in a sort of mentos and coke way that can send a tidal wave of oil past the open flame of the pilot light ...HUGE dangerous mess and/or burn down the kitchen if the oil lights up.

Unless! If the oil has been used too hard and needs to be changed, it's time to carry those open topped super heavy pots full of will-kill-you-hot oil and dump them in the barrel outside by the dumpsters so you can put room temp fresh oil in the fryers. whew!

The clean up is not just some light wiping down that can be easily interrupted, is what i'm saying.

You might have to do some kind of walk-in duty (moving around 50lb cases of lettuce and 50lb bags of onions to get to the stacks of five gallon buckets full of salad dressings and sauces to move so you can reach the giant metal pots and bus tubs full of prep and get it all organized and make sure it's all labeled and i have to stop now i'm having flashbacks)

THE POINT IS

by 15 or however many minutes to close, the line cook is doing an intense deep clean and probably has the whole stove taken apart to detail.

For some industrial stoves this means lifting off large cast iron plates that weigh like 20 lbs each and are still quite hot. Whatever metal burners are on there, you gotta take off and clean, you can see here the lines that indicate the large thick cast iron rectangles that sit on top of the burners to allow heavy pots to rest on. Those five (each has one front burner hole and one back burner hole, see?) have to be lifted off and cleaned with soap and a wire brush usually, and then the underneath area also has to be cleaned because a lot of shit falls through the burner holes on a busy night.

if you didn't do it when you did the flat top you have to do the grease trap (which can be like a full five minutes and is always disgusting).. You gotta clean out all the little gas jets in each burner with a wire or something so the burners all flame evenly, and sometimes you have to remove some of the natural gas piping that connects the burners to access where you have to clean.

you gotta clean out the bottom of the oven and the wire racks, and, oh gods, you gotta take down the filter vents from the hood fans above the stove.

See all the lined parts along the top of the wall?

those are hood vents, and as they pull air up they also pull a lot of grease and they have to be taken down and cleaned, then you gotta climb up there and scrub where they go before you put them back...

And then there's the mopping and floor drains and...

Anyway, that's what the line cook is doing when you walk in fifteen minutes before closing and order something that needs to be cooked on that stove. They are doing an entire industrial cleaning of a professional kitchen.

In some restaurants maybe one or two of these jobs will be every other night or even only twice a week, but in many, possibly most kitchens, ALL of these things happen EVERY night. You don't want to leave any food mess that might attract insects or rodents for one thing, so a really good kitchen is as close to brand new as you can get it every night.

IF YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO ORDER SOMETHING ANYWAY, HERE IS WHAT TO DO

open with an apology and ask the server to go ask what the cook would prefer you to order.

Any good server will already know what the cook is hoping for and what will make their line cook go into the walk in and scream. If it's significantly less than an hour to close and they say some variant of "oh anything is fine" they are either telling the lie their boss wants them to say, or they actually do not know what their line cook wants, and you can either use human connection and a conspiratorial just-between-us tone to get them to drop the customer-is-always-right act, or get them to actually go ask the cook.

It might be as specific as "the lasagna is easiest on the kitchen" or it might be a simple guideline like "nothing that requires the flat top" or "any of the sautés are easy" but a good line cook will probably have a system for if they have to make a couple of the most popular items after they start their close, so the answer is likely to include something most people like and you should be good to order that.

but for the love of all that's holy, please only do so at great need. Leave that last 30-60 minutes to the truly desperate and the crew's duties.

[bibibbon]

something that i can’t stand when it comes to this fandom is that basically no one can wrap their head around the fact that a victim can also be an abuser.

yes, rei was physically and emotionally abused by endeavor. yes, she was literally sold to him.

but she also just completely checked out and left fuyumi to pick up the slack.

yes, it’s not her fault that the abuse caused her to shut down, but as a result of that she neglected her children.

after she left fuyumi had to raise her brothers and become the woman of the house.

again, at the end of the day the root cause of the abuse is endeavor, but rei had checked out even before dabi's death.

it’s not victim blaming to point out the fact that rei neglected her kids. victim blaming would be saying that the abuse she suffered was her fault.

sometimes this fandom can be so fucking braindead. it’s always black and white, good or bad, hero or villain.

there is not a soul on this earth who is 100% a pure and good person.

all might, knowing full well what one for all contained and the massive responsibility that came with it. including an old wrinkly guy who will stop at nothing to take it, to a child and then proceed to not tell the aforementioned child what he was getting himself into. he with held crucial information because he knew that if he told izuku everything there was a chance he wouldn’t take it.

on the flip side, no one is 100% evil.

dabi cares deeply for the league, even though he doesn’t show it. shigaraki is literally the only person he will take orders from. some people may think he showed everyone hawks killing twice just for more ammo against the hero's. but thats not true at all. he cared about twice, and he wanted the world to know who he was. he wanted the hero’s to know that twice was human.

again i’m fucking rambling but i just hate how this fandom can be allergic to nuance and critical thinking.

I do think that many people do want a simple answer because at the end of the day it's easy to root for the good guys and boo the bad guys. There's also the fact that the narrative itself does sometimes struggle in creating a proper grey space morally.

Take for example the abuse victims in MHA. A lot of them are straight up innocent perfect heroes victims like izuku (who can never feel resentment in the narrative) and shoto while the others are straight up villains like Dabi and shigaraki. There's no in between with these characters and it's annoying. I remember talking with @mikeellee she has her saying of Shigaraki being the dark deku which honestly after that chapter where izuku comes into contact with a evil version of himself makes more sense.

I do agree with you in the sense that no one is 100% good or evil and in a way almost everyone is a victim to hero society. All might did willingly give a quirk that has a big responsibility to a naive quirkless child and all might is a bad mentor. However, at the same time all might is also a victim to a society he contributed to creating which is honestly so ironic and I wish horikoshi would explore these aspects of all mights character yet he doesn't and just gave us iron might (I dont like iron might tbh).

Also I love the fact that you brought up Rei himura and honestly Iam a big advocate for giving rei a redemption arc since it would of been more interesting and it would actually make sense to give her one than giving enji todoroki one. Rei was a victim and yes motherhood is difficult especially with the fact that she was abused and stripped of autonomy or agency but she also wasn't the best mother and that's something she does recognise in the narrative. My main problem however, is that the narrative doesn't allow her to fully engage with the family and she doesn't do much about it. Yes she apologises to both shoto and touya but what about her other children?!?! What about fuyumi who had to take on the role of a mother and shoulder a huge family burden? What about natsou who was also neglected?!?!. I say by giving rei himura a redemption arc the series can do so much that being actually involving the entire todoroki family into this, having more introduction to the hospital arc that may connect both touya and Rei and you can also have Rei make a connection with genten as @nyc3 suggested.

However, this also applies to the flip side. Characters like twice, shigaraki and Dabi aren't completely evil. Yes they have done bad things, yes they are bad people but they are also victims of the hero system and hero society. I do think that the leauge is a bit underdeveloped and I did definitely want more development between Dabi and shigaraki's while frenemies fiasco going on.

In the end I do think that almost every fandom may be allergic to nuance in one way or another. I do actually mean this because I remember seeing people try and say that Eren Yeager is completely good while some tried saying that he is completely evil but in reality he is complex and layered. You really can't put a definitive label on the aot characters because they all did their fair share of good and bad things and that's what makes them well written and enjoyable.

[merryslilhobbit]

There are so many things about the Daniel Ricciardo situation that frustrate and anger me, so I'm getting them off my chest before I lose the plot. I'm sure other people have said the same things, but here we go.

Horner made a whole big show of picking Daniel up after the McLaren debacle, bringing him back into "the family". Made himself out to be some sort of saviour. Rebuilding Daniel's confidence, his physical and mental health. Got a dig in at Zak in a press conference about "feeding Daniel up" because he was skinny. Invited DTS to see his return at Silverstone 2023. So to kick Daniel to the curb just a few races before the end of the season? Because they have "a lot of data on Daniel" and need to see other options for the future? Hypocritical c*nt.

Next, replacing him with someone they're not confident enough in to give a contract to straight away? Yes, Liam did a good job in Daniel's absence last year. This is absolutely not me shitting on Liam - I like him, and I think he and Yuki will be good teammates. But he's been out of full time racing for a while. Allegedly RB weren't overly excited about his testing times in the summer. While it will be interesting to see how he compares to Yuki, why are RB hanging onto Liam when they don't seem confident enough to give him a full time seat? Why are they so determined to keep pushing this one? (Yes I know the answer is probably contracts, but still.)

Then there's the fact that Daniel has actually outperformed Yuki in 6 of the last 9 races (since the start of the European leg). In the same period, they've scored the same number of points. Daniel has also been more consistent in his finishing position than Yuki. In terms of form, Singapore excluded (but I think we can forgive him that one, given the media shitstorm), he's been the better of the two and isn't it meant to be that the first person you need to beat is your teammate? There's only so much you can achieve in a tractor.

And we can't forget the Checo situation. Following the first six races he's bombed in comparison to Max. He's probably cost Red Bull the Constructors'. He was given a few races to improve, didn't and then was kept anyway (probably because of money and the Mexican GP). He often qualifies further behind (in time) Max than Daniel does Yuki. I know Red Bull are coming out now and saying they found a problem with their design from Barcelona last year, when Checo first started reporting issues but frankly I'm calling bullshit on that. As mentioned, Checo had six very good races and results at the start of 2024. And some decent ones at the end of 2023. At one point there was speculation that Daniel might even replace Checo mid-season (some reports say it was a done deal), so in the space of a few weeks to go from that to being dropped himself? I have whiplash.

And I think that's the hardest part. A lot of people were probably aware that it could be difficult for Daniel to get a seat for next year. But at no point was there any suggestion that he might get replaced mid-season. Not even in the middle, six races before the end. When Red Bull confirmed in the summer break that both Checo and Daniel would see out the seasons in their current seats.

Red Bull have created an absolute PR disaster and they deserve it. Driver of the Day, amongst many other things in the last 48 hours, reflects the love and respect so many people have for Daniel. People who see how emotional he was, who see that he didn't have an opportunity to say goodbye properly (fuck, even McLaren did that - remember the Monza 2021 photo on his steering wheel?). People who recognise that dumping him so close to the end of the season is ridiculous.

In the end, I hope that Daniel really is at peace with it all and is in better shape than he left McLaren; that he can be proud of all of his achievements in the sport. Drivers come and go, but very few make their mark in the way Daniel has done. He may not have broken records or won championships, but the fact that he will still be remembered for a very long time despite those things is a testament to his character, to the sort of person we all know and love.

[godkillerbrigade]

Do you have any tips for people who want to create games?

hello! yes! i'm a full-time indie dev who mostly works on small-team projects or solo projects, so most of my advice is geared towards Doing That. if you wanna work in a major studio, or wear only one hat, my advice will be significantly less useful

spend some time fucking around in an engine. literally any engine. fucking around is a key component of actually getting a working knowledge of how game development works

DON'T start with your big huge exciting game idea. that idea is the culmination of your training arc, not the start. it'll be waiting for you once you know how to do it justice.

make something small. no, smaller, no, even smaller. finish it as fast as possible. put it on itch for free. get three downloads and one comment. read that comment. note what they think is wrong, but don't pay attention to their proposed fix. then set your sights on something slightly bigger and go again.

more game isn't better game. if a game isn't fun to play for three minutes, it won't be fun to play for three hours. just like you wouldn't build a house on sand, make sure you have a very good foundation before you start building content on top. a bad game cannot be fixed by adding extra costumes.

decide what you're making games for. you don't have to decide this immediately, but when you embark on a mid-large-sized project you need to have definite goals for what you want out of its release. "i want to make money" is an acceptable answer (more on that later); "i want to express myself" is an acceptable answer; "i want to fuck around" is an acceptable answer; "i want to make money and express myself by fucking around" is Objectively More Difficult. if you make a game of significant scale without planning for success in a particular direction, you're more likely to be disappointed by the result

making money as an indie dev is fucking difficult. and not difficult as in "it's hard work," difficult as in "there are a ton of external factors that will determine your success, and while making a good game helps, there's literally no way to be certain a project will make any money." the vast majority of indie games are monetary flops. if you do decide to go pro, figure out a very robust system to keep your bills paid in case your big dream project is a flop, because there's even odds that it will be and there's nothing you can do about it. contract work can be good for this, as can Just Having Money, but that's easier said than done

find other developers on the same journey as you and make friends with them. do jams with them. talk about your projects. get better together.

if you run into a problem, google it and look at each of the top 3-5 results. every problem can be solved in a number of ways, and sometimes the best method for your use case is non-obvious

good luck!

i'll leave you with my favorite smbc, which resonates very deeply with my own experience with gamedev:

[dekusleftsock]

Waking up in a cold sweat thinking about all the parallels in MHA and how everything comes around full circle; and we’re seeing it especially prominently right now in the Togachako plotline, where Ochako and Uraraka are both doing the same things for each other that they’ve done for Deku, but with positive outcomes. (One example: Uraraka grabbing Deku to calm him did not work, but it worked with Toga). Realizing that the one thing that hasn’t come around yet is Himiko asking Ochako to be her girlfriend, like she asked Deku to be her boyfriend. Despite her clear and known feelings, she’s never actually straight up asked. And if the pattern continues as Himiko and Ochako having better results with each other than they ever had with Deku; than the only possible outcome is for Ochako to say yes….Hori what are you doing

ITS SO

It’s

ITS SO SO BAOSBSISKSIHAHSBBSBBSBDHHDH

I’m so excited to see togas reply, I’m so excited to see deku vs shigaraki’s fight, I’m so excited to see how bakugou is resurrected, im so excited for everything.

Regardless of everything, I know it in my heart Himiko is gonna ask her to be her girlfriend, will you accept her Ochako? Will you become selfish in the face of a society that expects you to be on a constant performance?

I live in a very pessimistic view of the world, I try NOT to have it and it’s the reason why this account has always tried to stay hopeful. It’s why I try to constantly convince the people around me. All so that I can ask the question, “Do you really think this will happen?” And the answer has more recently been “Yes”. It feeds me into a cycle I created in order to become a more positive person. I think being pessimistic and angry at the world is common for people of my age group, hell, even people into their 20’s, maybe even 30’s. It can fester deep into adulthood, possibly the rest of your life. Negativity and hopelessness thrive in the absence of support and love.

It’s that same lesson mha tries to teach us. Pessimism and ego are the root to the problem, whatever that problem may be. From controlling human emotion, being overly, even unnecessarily sacrificial, holding your power back, not being able to see your own limits, being in love, all of it has always been something solvable through love and support.

I think all of the problems I’ve listed, along with all the characters they’re tied to, are in one way or another tied to ego or pessimism.

And it’s THIS that I keep on loop in my head. The selfishness, parallels, evidence, whatever the fuck doesn’t matter half as much to me as trying to control what power I have over the story—which is how I react to it. It doesn’t matter if I’m right or wrong, it doesn’t matter if this all tears down in a wonderful hellscape of a fire and I get my ego burned for a few weeks, what matters is that I let myself be HAPPY about something, even if that something is not guaranteed. This whole thought process hits so much closer to me right now. It’s something I’ve thought for… basically the entire time I’ve been on tumblr, but it’s been on the back burner because for the first time I’ve realized there’s no more time left. Mha doesn’t have a billion chapters leading up to this fight at all, Toga and Ochako are having their ending story right now. No matter how much I find, no matter how much I theorize, it ultimately doesn’t MATTER ANYMORE.

And yet, I still don’t care. It all comes back in an infinite circle, back to the original ideas the story has always tried to keep within itself. Just like I have kept my ideas on the back burner until now, mha has kept its romantic ideas on the back burner too; this is the true cross roads, this is the final answer. All eyes are on you horikoshi, you have all the power right now to make or break everything.

Break the internet, Horikoshi.

[deservedgrace]

Am I being petty? My dad is always saying stuff like “I’m praying for you to be successful” or “god made you perfect”. I know he means well but it’s so uncomfortable whenever he does those things. I don’t want you to pray for me, I need real help. You don’t know the real me and you probably wouldn’t be as proud if you did. He still thinks I’m the perfect Christian boy instead of an atheist who’s figuring out their gender. He claims to love and support whatever I want, but he always leaves out being a girl when listing off topics, and has questioned me at random times about trans athletes when I’m too tired to think of an answer.

In my opinion, absolutely not.

I was actually just talking about the prayer thing with my friend last night. So many christians use prayer as almost a silencing method, whether intentionally or unintentionally. When I left the church I realized just how abysmal my comforting/supporting methods were because while I was in the church, I and everyone around me relied on cutting uncomfortable topics short with "well I'll be praying for you" or ask to pray with you about it, and offer literally NO other support while also expecting prayer to, just fix it magically. Hilariously, the same people that are always like, "god's not a genie, you're praying wrong if you're expecting him to answer every prayer you have" seem to ask for and expect genie-like responses from him while doing NO work of their own to support the people they're praying for. Prayer is Very Very often used as a substitute for support. Even when I was deep in the church it never felt sufficient, but I couldn't say anything because it was supposed to be sufficient and if it wasn't sufficient that was a problem with me and my "sinful nature". Churches and christians that focus on prayer over actually being the hands and feet of jesus (fucking doing something about it) aren't fostering proper community and support. They're fostering a culture of not being able to talk about difficult things, of suffering in silence, and of relying on a silent and unprovable god which often results in being taught to rely solely on yourself.

I really feel for you with the gender thing. I don't know the full context of your specific situation but I see "god made you perfect" used to silence any notion of being trans far, far too often. The implication being, being cis is the default, being trans is going against who "god made you to be", etc. I've noticed this especially of christians who believe in complementarianism (men and women have different roles to fulfill), many of them tend to "love and support whoever you are"........ so long as it falls into their tiny box of what they deem acceptable. I don't want to turn this into a whole thing about gender but even in a worldview that doesn't recognize the existence of trans people, there isn't a definition of womanhood that includes every woman and excludes every non-woman and vice versa for men ("a woman is someone who can have babies" excludes those with infertility issues, something that affects up to 20% of women, "a woman is someone who has XX chromosomes" excludes intersex women, "a woman is someone who has a uterus" excludes women who have had hysterectomies, "a woman is someone who has had a uterus at SOME point" excludes women that simply born without one, which happens to about 1 in 5000 based on a quick google, etc etc). My point being, they're trying to draw these confining and limiting boxes where they can't. Humans don't work like that. Their idea of perfection is something that is simply biologically and sociologically and historically unsupported. Gender is complicated because humans are complicated. It's disappointing that some people can't see the beauty in that and it's devastating that it often causes so much pain and suffering to those around them.

I really hope you're able to find proper support. If possible, I encourage you to (safely!!!) continue exploring your gender. And it makes complete sense that you'd feel uncomfortable about these things. Prayer without proper support is skirting responsibility at best. Tearing down trans athletes and doing the christian "god made you perfect" thing with the implication of cis being the default is not a supportive environment to be around. I'm not going to be able to remember the quote verbatim but one of my favorite god/trans quotes is something along the lines of "god made trans people for the same reason he made wheat but not bread and grapes but not wine; so humanity may share in the act of creation". I'm not necessarily encouraging this as a "gotcha" statement, I can hear in my head exactly how my church would respond to that. But outside the church I think it's a beautiful reframe despite me not believing in god anymore. And if you would prefer something less religiously related: I'm deeply sorry you're not in a supportive environment. There's nothing wrong with you. As far as I can tell you're having a very normal reaction to the shit you're having to put up with and the situation you're in.

[doloresstarfish]

BROKE YOUR OWN HEART

(Can't Finish What You Start)

Remus Lupin & Original Male Character

cw: graphic despictions of violence, angst, blood.

Summary

CHAPTER O4

At first it looked like a normal pub. When they got inside, Mouth and Elliot greeted the busy man behind the bar while going straight to the back, like they were co owners of the place. Remus followed close behind them as they opened the door to the basement, being inmediately attacked by the screams and chants of what sounded like a full quidditch stadium.

It was an old room with tall ceilings and concrete walls, so large it could probably fit two of Elliot's houses, if it weren't for the massive crowd of sweaty men inside.

On the way there Remus learned that they were heading to a fight club. A bloody fight club. And he thought that maybe Mouth was right about getting hurt burn.

At least it now made sense as to why Elliot never hesitated to throw a mean right hook if he found it necessary. He was certain no prissy motherfucker in Hogwarts had any chance against him. And they didn't.

They got just in time before they closed the doors, so they paid the entrance fee -five pounds each- and a bearded guy asked if any of them were fighting tonight. Mouth and Elliot had said yes. 'Oslo' seemed to know them well since they greeted eachother by name and handed both boys two ribbons to tie on their wrists. Elliot got red and Mouth blue.

The fights seemed to have started earlier than usual since they were already pulling a manic guy on top of another bloody face. They dragged the passed out person away from the man-made circle on the middle of the basement and a bald man raised the winners hand in the air, who offered the chanting crowd a crooked smile as he got handed a red plastic bag filled with money.

This was not how Remus imagined spending his summer.

He couldn't wait to see James and Sirius and tell them everything.

The same man held two empty bags -one red and one blue- in each hand and walked around as everyone streched to get their money in before two different men got in the circle and start wrestling.

Remus kept watching as the bald man handed the two bags to a couple of guys in the stairs. They started couting the contents of each bag and splitted both at the middle, waiting for the results.

"If you win you get half of the money the people against you betted, the other half goes to the winner's crowd" Elliot leaned on a concrete pillar, hands on his pockets in a relaxed way "So if fifty people are against you, you get two hundred and fifty pounds"

"Since the stablished amount is ten pounds each" Mouth added "Only rich assholes come see us getting fucked up. They get off on it or something" Elliot laughed "But last saturday of the month means double bets. That's five hundred, baby"

They watched in silence as they dragged another guy out of the floor. This time Blue won. They repeated the whole thing.

"What will happen if no one is against you?" Remus asked Elliot. Mouth snorted at the question while moving his limbs around, trying to warm up.

"That's not a problem Elliot particulary has" he answered.

"Let's just say I'm easy to hate" A knowing smile crept on his face but Remus didn't dare ask anything else.

Soon after it was Mouth's turn to go in. They wished him good luck and the fight begun. He wasn't either too tall or too short, but his beefy muscles were undeniable, so a lot of people betted on him. His opponent was on the shorter side, but was agile and looked experienced.

At first it was pretty even between the two of them, a lot of dodging and not much contact. Then Mouth got the upper hand with a strong kick right on the chest. Until he got swiped by his left knee and fell down to the floor.

"Fuck. That's his bad knee. Broke it one time and never fully healed" Elliot said, worried for his friend.

At the end nothing too serious happened to Mouth. But he did lose after a punch on the side of his head that nearly knocked him fully out, so they called it quits.

Elliot was next.

"You know the rules, gentleman! No shirts and no weapons!" The bald man exclaimed.

As Elliot started walking Remus was suddenly filled with an inmense sense of dread. What if he got seriously injured? Fuck, what if he died? He should've never let him do this shit.

"Merlin fuck, Elliot" his voice wavered, face as white as a sheet "Please be careful" the boy just turned around without stopping and grinned at him.

Fucking wanker.

He watched as Elliot slipped off his shirt and threw it to the ground while opening his way through the crowd of people, that started shamelessly booing at the sight of the familiar boy.

When Elliot finally arrived to the center of the circle he found Remus worried eyes again, but smiled and looked at him as to saying "See?"

Fucking wanker.

His opponent was a white guy with his torso and neck covered in ugly tattoos. He looked like a rabid dog, saizing up a relaxed looking Elliot with muttered growls.

Almost everyone got their hands inside the blue bag. They fucking loathed him. Remus watched the barely half filled red bag as baldie handed both of them to the crew.

The fight was up. Tattoo guy inmediately launched forward to grab Elliot but he dodged him easily, keeping his fists in front of his face. They walked around in circules, both challenging the other to approach them. Tattoo guy finally gave in and threw a fist at Elliot, who managed to move to the side and sucker punch him square in the jaw, making him back down with a groan of pain.

Elliot was lean but strong, well defined muscles danced around his body thanks to the demanding job at the factory. He could be Michelangelo's fucking David, Remus thought. Although having absolute baby-like features, his permanent poker face made up for any problem he could have from lack of intimidation.The other guy looked more like a junkie psycho chihuahua than a real competition. And that might just be more dangerous.

The younger boy leaped forward and got another hit, this time on the eye. But Tattoo guy trashed his arms around, making it impossible to predict where were they going to end up, so Elliot got hit in the nose and the crowd cheered louder as blood started to pour.

Remus could feel his heart trying to thump out of place and had to close his eyes after a couple minutes. He couldn't see this.

The crowd started booing and Remus inmediately thought the worst, and quickly opened his eyes, expecting to see the beautiful face that belonged to Elliot all fucked up on the floor, getting dragged.

But then he remebered they hated him, so they were booing because of Elliot's red ribbon swaying high in the air around his wrist. He had won. The biggest shit eating grin Remus had ever seen on his crimson lips as he admired the crowd that insulted him.

"We've got the winner, gentleman!" The bald man pushed the red bag close to Elliot's chest as the noise got louder "Hold this tight in your way out, kid" he told him.

So Elliot took off running through the crowd, grabbing Remus by the hand and making him pick up his speed as they ran up the stairs and closed the door. He couldn't risk getting the bag snatched by a pissed off asshole, so he dragged Remus out of the pub all the way back to the basketball court, where Elliot dropped his hand to rest them on his knees, trying to catch a breath. Remus did the same as they looked at eachother.

"Fuck"

"Yeah, fuck" They started laughing.

"I can't believe I just got out of a fight club" said Remus, calming down.

"I can't believe I just got out alive of that fight" retorted Elliot jokingly, indicating Remus to follow him, so they started walking home.

"The bloke was mad" Remus sizzed "I couldn't even watch after he started spinning like an helicopter and hit you in the nose" At the injuries mention, Elliot tried to wipe some of the blood that got on his mouth, but the nose had stopped bleeding "Shit, it's not broken, is it?"

"Nah, it would hurt like a bitch if it was. I'm actually pretty okay. Definitely got worse than this" Elliot said, actually surprised. "Maybe you're my lucky charm" He sent a flirty smile to Remus, who wanted to murder him for it.

"Lucky charm or not, I'm not ever going back to that place" Elliot snorted.

"Fair enough"

It was already fully dark out, the stars shining dimly -nothing like Remus sky back in Wales-. The sandy haired blonde had catched the pubs clock before leaving the place. By his suprise, it was just eight thirty, the whole day had felt so much shorter.

They arrived at the front lawn. Elliot's eyes went straight to the driveway, checking for a beated up grey car, but it was empty, as always.

"Fuck. They can't see me like this" he stopped Remus before he could get any further. Elliot pulled off his pants -again- and grabbed the hose -that they never used-, letting water pour as hard as it could without risking getting caught by the noise.

"Merlin. Can you stop getting undressed in public? You can get arrested for nudity, you know?" Elliot laughed as an old lady walked down the street, eyeing Elliot without holding back. Remus rolled his eyes at the boy for waving a hand up to the woman teasingly.

"Why? Jelous, Lupin?" Elliot said, going back to rinsing his chest and face out of any trace for blood. Without it Elliot looked mostly normal, he still had some time before the bruises develope, so he can make up an excuse tomorrow. "Good enough, right?" Remus nodded sheepishly as Elliot slipped the jeans up again, they were dirty but the dark color helped to diguise it a little.

They passed the door and saw Elliot's mom cooking something in the kitchen as they greeted everyone inside. Lupe and Eric where running around in the living room, Dominic was struggling to catch up to them, but happily. Gia was probably studying in her bedroom.

"Hey, guys! Dinner will be ready soon, okay?" She said "Why are you shirtless... and wet?" Elliot looked down to his body as if that was the first time he saw it too. Keeping the red bag of money behind his back.

"We went swimming down the lake. Must have left it there" she looked suspiciously at him but didn't say anything else, going back to the cutting board.

They both took showers -separated- and changed into some clean, sweat-free, clothes. They sat together on Elliot's bed. The window was open, letting a summer breeze refresh them even more, thanks to the thin layer of cold water still on their skin.

Remus watched, almost hipnotized, as Elliot tended to a small cut under his right eye that he was glad Marian hadn't noticed yet and as he spreaded over his face some antinflamatory cream he kept on the dresser.

After Elliot finished he grabbed the red bag and let all the money out on the bed, crumpled up in a high mountain between the two boys.

"Wanna help me count?" Elliot asked, making Remus snap out of his daze and nod quickly.

They counted in silence, scrunching their face in disgust when handling some of the bills that had specks of blood on them.

"Do you do this often?" Remus murmured, without looking up from the task, but could sense Elliot gazing up at him.

"Not anymore. Only for double bets" he shrugged.

"Why?"

"Why do I fight or why I don't do it often anymore?" Elliot snickered, raising a mocking brow to try and alivate the intimate vibe that made him a little too uncomfortable.

"The latter" Remus serious tone made contrast with his friends nochalant attitude.

"I can't afford dying, Rem" he shook his head jokingly, althought it was a sincere explanation. Remus had to stop himself from literally gulping at the nickname.

"Why did you even start fighting, then?"

Elliot sighed exasperated, as to let Remus know that this wasn't a conversation he wanted to have. What he didn't know was that the taller boy had stopped caring enough to keep walking on eggshells around him, and decided that if he wanted to get in, maybe he had to break the door down.

But Elliot didn't let him.

The sardonic grin returned to his face as he raised the neat stack of money in his hand " 'Cause of seven hundred and sixty pounds, baby"

Remus let him have this one.

[ntaras]

"i wouldn’t say she answered to no one in the og timeline. she did answer to “the elders”, as she was the one commanded by them to destroy datusha but i do think it’s not the same as the misguided loyalty she shows in the new timeline. she is very submissive to the coven in the new timeline which is a trait that doesn’t suit her." - exactly ! They've made her come off so.......helpless. Meek, almost,which is very much not her. OG Nitara didn't have a singular fuck to give about anyone that wasn't her or Vaterneus. Did she answer to the elders? Yes. Did she do as she pleased regardless? Also yes.

" like would she obey them? yeah, she has and does. but she’s very blindsided and that utter loyalty seems to by why she’s not manipulative and clever anymore- she’s *just* really desperate due to that loyalty. which once again, don’t like. og nitara would never" - that's the other thing. The way that she seems to have no self-reliance at all........it's one thing to answer to a council,but it's another to be a spineless enabler as you do so. I know she grew up under the system and all, but they could have played with that a bit.

She should be more........self-aware,I guess. Maybe a case where she knows that the Coven is slowly destroying her home,but at the same time,it benefits her to play by their rules. She's loyal to her home and people,but she's also not willing to lose whatever favour and status she has with the Coven as their seeming chosen one. Let her be selfish.

Or maybe bring family dynamics into her story. What was it like for Nitara being raised by a military general like her mother? What expectations were put on her as a result of her mother being so accomplished and illustrious? Why does the Coven have such a vested interest in her? Is that due to her mother's prestige or Nitara's own achievements?

I think my main problem with this version of Nitara is the way she was bludgeoned by Dominic. At least give the woman something to do. That's all she needed. Give her a mission or purpose. Hell,bringing back the beef between her and Ashrah would have done wonders for them both in terms of development. One little scuffle in story mode is not enough. They can't stand each other as a rule,so let them fight.

i agree with pretty much everything you said. i want to believe that if nitara returns in future games they’ll perhaps delve somewhat into her growth/her character, but it’s clear she’s just some vampire lady to dominic so hopes are low.

i would actually be interested in a plot line for her where she has to battle between being champion of the people or champion of the coven- and to actually choose between survival of the people which would mean going against the coven and eventually seeking full dependence from them or staying loyal to the coven in the comfort of their rule. like there’s some path for a story for her but like i said, chances are low of doing something with her. it took reptile like 30 years to not get his ass continuously kicked + kung lao still isn’t anything but the second best. nitara isn’t getting anything for a while lol

the beef between ashrah and nitara was so minuscule and we actually SAW them interact compared to armageddon where their beef was confined to written form and yet still gave soooooo many interesting concepts. like a couple paragraphs of text told us so much about them versus getting so little with them actually speaking to each other in the new game.

[catsconflictscopicsandchamomile]

gods sometimes I hate that I can't think about Palestine, about everything going on in the world, 24/7.

I ask myself "well why not? why not just think about that stuff and school and chores? why does fUCKING FANDOM and special interests eat your life and personality like this? don't you have any empathy?"

and I know the answer. I know its because there have been MANY times in my life where I've taken my own advice and tried to think about "the issues" 24/7. I became a total asshole. angry, stupid, often self-destructive. I didn't make any change or contribution besides starting fights with strangers online, and any effort I DID make to contribute irl just led to so many messes that the people who were actually helping then had to step aside and clean up.

the times I'm most capable of help are when I'm able to keep a balance between awareness of the problems in the world, with other stuff (both fandom and just like... homework n shit). it feels SO wrong and SO un-natural to actively prioritize fandom, but I've tried the "right" way so much and been such a dick and done a good bit of harm.

and I've tried the "wrong" way this past year and done more good/participated more than ever.

results speak for themselves.

and ik everyone does activism differently.

I'm obviously not gonna break any boycotts, holy shit no. I'm still attending protests and making posters/art for local activist movements and doing what I can when I can.

its just so tempting to put 99.99999% of myself into REALLY feeling that grief and rage and helplessness... but again. I know, yknow?

I know how that ends. I may feel righteous and empathetic and, honestly, Cool(tm), but I'm not doing shit for anyone

if mainlining destiel into my brainstem lets me show up for protests and make art and do all of that while NOT being a total bag of dicks...

ugh. it just feels fucking weird

(& yes, I did try the "really feel it, no self-anesthetizing with fandom and no distancing myself from it on purpose" approach as recently as this fall. after physically forcing myself to not send threats to kill strangers' pets, exposing my unmasked face to cameras while chalking a govt building, being kinda socially inappropriate and considering vandalism, i realized that it does in fact still make me an asshole.)

like I feel guilty about purposefully distancing myself for these issues, but also simultaneously understand from past experience that this is the best way for me to make actual, meaningful contributions. its weird.

if i go full-in on Understanding(tm) it, I FEEL morally/spiritually superior, and sure, it MIGHT make me a better activist, but years of experience tell me that, despite how I'm perceiving myself in that moment, it wont.

if I keep distancing myself, ie LITERALLY PURPOSEFULLY seeking out fandom/yt brainrot/Shiny Happy Things to AVOID thinking about it, I do more. I'm involved more, go to more protests, meetings, talk to friends about it.

...that is the reverse of how those things should work.

I think this may be the same kind of reason I don't do existentialism or organized religion. there are some things, really deep or emotional things, that if I think abt them too hard I get stuck EXTREMELY far up my own ass in how I can "only" think of these things or else I'm "awful"

but that's it. its all just thinking. and feeling. and not acting.

...I guess I'll go back to obsessing over my little shows and ships, making actual contributions to anti-genocide, anti-colonialism, pro-palestine efforts

and wondering why the FUCK I'm like this.

...also ok tbh my desire for some kind of moral or spiritual depth/fulfillment/righteousness/forgiveness???? via immersing myself in the experience of VICTIMS OF ONGOING GENOCIDE to try to understand their experience is uhhh

creepy.

especially given that its at the direct detriment of my actual activism and to the emotional harm of peers and fellow activists.

yeah hm actually that is just kind of creepy. and not helpful.

[catboyolli]

sunday morning rambling/vent about creativity and other stuff

i have been trying so hard to enter a creative mode again but it's just.... not working at all

i don't remember when was the last time i grabbed a pencil and made something on paper, and i have my drawing tablet in front of me but everytime i think about finally doing something it feels like a waste of time and the fact that i have been looking at art that's clearly out of my skill range doesn't help much

(the solution of course would be practice and study and practice and study but i feel like the results of said practice would be devastating and i don't know if i'm in the mental headspace to accept that the stuff i create is basically trash (i know it is but knowing and having concrete proof are two different things))

then there's the 10 year anniversary event in a few months and i really want to participate and i fucking know i should've started earlier but now not even the deadline is making me react to get up and do something because what's the point if it's going to be trash? what's the fucking point of doing something you love about someones you also love when all i will see are the thousands of mistakes? what's the point of creating and delivering something that's not good enough for my standards that i won't allow myself to lower? what's the point when a lot of people can create better stuff than mine?

and i go back to uni classes in mid august so that + my full time job + the amount of studying that is needed for this course will leave me with barely any time to live, so naturally i won't have time to sit and draw

btw i have been trying to craft a sort of fantasy au since mid 2021 and i settled on the final classes this month but now there's a bigger problem: the character sheets and the setting

the tabletop rpg i chose isn't an easy one, it has tons of ruling and and unnecesary long list of spells, so building the character sheets is driving me crazy but i don't want to change to an easier one because it doesn't have the flavor i need (if i can't have my blorbo olli finding answers in the stars then what's the purpose? 5e doesn't have what i need) but at the same time i find the setting of this ttrpg a bit weak (to which the easier answer would be just build upon it, but how much? do i have enough imagination to fill the cities with npcs for my blorbos to interact with? answer: no i fucking don't)

so who knows? if something so easy as picking the class took me 2 years, by 2034 i will probably have the designs ready and bc will be long disbanded by then so again, what's the fucking point of it?

i hate how perfectionism kills the best part of me

[soul-dwelling]

One thing that is a bit funny is how a lot of charachters/plot elements/plot points I before only read about from second hand sources were actually a lot less impresive or significant once I actually read fire force. Like the whole chinese island with talking animals felt kinda like a nothing burger, or Amaterasu being trapped in a reactor or Iris being a doppelganger or Benimaru causing the moon to apear, or Shinra being possed, even Joker and Lichts antihero shtick etc...

I’m going to go in a number of directions, so let me summarize some points to quickly answer your questions, before going into more detail below: 

Ohkubo is better at just making visually appealing art than actually progressing character development and making a good plot. 

The Chinese peninsula arc is harmed by the stupidity of firefighters, whose job is to literally wear masks to not breathe in dangerous fumes, instead going maskless and breathing in dangerous fumes. It’s not even treated as irony, it’s just dumb. 

The talking animals thing was to set up Fire Force as a prequel for why Blair exists in Soul Eater. 

The doppelganger shit makes no sense. It is just Ohkubo’s immature response to how religious beliefs are full of paradoxes (“Can God make a rock so big even They can’t lift ti? Yes--then they lift it”)...

…Which is why we have Benimaru and the Moon thing: it’s Ohkubo writing his own creation story, in other words, his own religion. 

Viktor needed a stronger back story--and the headcanon is right there, he was a grad student, it writes itself, no wonder he turned out like this. 

It’s almost like Ohkubo’s original art posts on the shitty bird app get attention for being innovative designs, while the plotting falls apart. 

(This is one reason enough readers have wondered what it would be like if he just did the art for someone else’s story…and now we get what looks like a lackluster anime doing just that, so, monkey’s paw problem.) 

I forgot to bring this up: I think the talking animals thing was more foreshadowing of this being a Soul Eater prequel, reinforcing my assumption that the earliest Ohkubo would have decided on the “prequel route” was this Chinese peninsula arc. Shinra and the others are shocked to see talking animals--so by the time of Soul Eater, Blair is just yet another one of these talking animals running around… 

…But that has its own problems. First, Schop and the others were mostly not that cartoonish. Second, it’s just as likely talking animals became more of a thing because Shinra had zero knowledge of world history and just made shit up. Finally, even Soul, Maka, and Lord Death were surprised to see a talking cat, and Blair was the only talking animal in the series. (Yes, witches had talking animal forms, but canon didn’t really emphasize that Arachne was indeed a spider, Eruka was indeed a frog, Kim was indeed a tanuki, and so on.) 

The Chinese peninsula arc also just pissed me off in general: for the sake of dumb gags, even a teacher like Pan refuses to listen to wear a mask to avoid getting the effects of what he breathed in. I’m not saying that lets the students off the hook, but Viktor warned these dumbasses, and for zero reason given, none of them believe him. THEY ARE FIREFIGHTERS, they know breathing in fumes is a bad thing, yet they didn’t wear a mask? 

(No wonder the United States and so much of the world has a COVID problem: no one in this real world wears a fucking mask, none of these fictional characters wears a fucking mask.) 

As for the doppelganger crap: it made no sense. 

A doppelganger is how the world views a person--those are the rules within Fire Force. Someone is a pyrokinetic in full control of their faculties and flame abilities if they and their doppel are one in the same, e.g. they merge and the result is a non-Infernal, all because who they are and how people look at them is exactly the same…

…But we know that isn’t the case. Shinra is nothing like what people thought of him--yet he is not only a pyrokinetic, and not only a Pillar, but is freaking Fire Jesus. (Unless Sho is Fire Jesus--and even that makes no sense, since no one knows Sho outside of the Clads, so how would there be a popular conception of him to begin with?) 

The excuse the story goes with is that, once the physics are getting weirder and weirder, that is when the rules bend enough to allow for the doppel rule to no longer apply, hence why pyrokinetics like Joker and Kurono now have to fight their own doppels--because rule of cool, this is the final arc, break the rules, just make some action scenes. 

I get the argument that, if a better explanation doesn’t make you enjoy it more, then any explanation won’t matter, and that seems to be Ohkubo’s rationale: if I’m complaining that it doesn’t make sense, then I’m just the Yuu of this story and can be ignored, like ignoring how Arthur’s family stuff makes no sense. But that weak explanation doesn’t excuse bad writing--and this is just bad, and it distracts from any cool factor to the fights or the art. 

See also the problem of Mari and Iris’s existence: how can Mari be the doppel of the Evangelist when the Evangelist existed for so long already, and how can Iris be the doppel of Amaterasu? What, Iris existed in Adora, then was chucked out into the “real” world? And if that’s the case, then how could Mari exist as an Infernal, and Iris get pryokinetic abilities, unless their others--the Evangelist and Amaterasu--merged with them, but they didn’t, because they never did merge?!

And that leads to the Moon and Benimaru problem: the doppel thing is just a paradox, as a lot of religions have them, and you are to shrug and just ignore it. That is Ohkubo’s excuse for shit that fails in his story: he is doing a satire of religion, and fuck you for poking holes in his story, it’s all satire, he doesn’t have to answer for bad storytelling, because even my agnostic ass am tired of his anti-religion shtick. 

Hence why Benimaru doing that to the Moon just is the thing that happens: it happened because it is a creation story. Maybe it’s my perspective as a white person in the United States, as I’m not in the context of certain belief systems to give an insider’s point of view about them--but usually, when I read a creation narrative, I can understand enough about how they got to that idea (Egyptian stories about the dung beetle’s association with the sun, because it pushes a big ball of dung; stories of animals diving down into the water to scoop up mud to form the first islands on the planet; and so on). 

What is there to “Benimaru kicked the Moon really hard and it turned into that face”? Does it resemble his adoptive dad? There’s nothing here to solidify why this creation story should work--so, it just comes off as a crass attempt to link this to Soul Eater and disrupt much better headcanon most fans probably had. 

(Spoiler for something a friend and I are working on, but if it was me, re-writing this? You don’t have Benimaru kick the Moon. You have a Mirko-like character kick the Moon. Give me a character with flame-powered leg hops, powerful kicks, and a rabbit motif--boom, rabbit, Japan, Moon, that works. What the hell does Benimaru have to do with the Moon? And no, naming his moves after the Moon doesn’t count.) 

Some of this is headcanon on my part in discussions with a friend, but why not give some back story to Viktor? He was a grad student, he was pursuing research: maybe it’s my own experiences, but that is fraught with story potential. Viktor goes to work at Haijima to keep funding his research--even as he suspects their part in spontaneous human combustion. Maybe he lost parents and wanted to figure out what killed them--or, to avoid more and more “dead family” tropes, maybe he isn’t close to family, not helped by running off to do research instead of a “real job.” 

I really enjoyed Joker--by the time we got his back story. When it’s “the Joker but he’s also Batman,” that is the best characterization he got. Too bad his post-story life is hanging out with a boring sod like Burns.

[thisismenow3]

It’s been an information war since the 80s. Catch up. Can’t rely on a slow moving political party to do this, grassroots infiltration is the only way. Republicans have won since the 80s because heritage foundation, conservative Catholics and evangelicals have been “I’m an outsider”-ing their way into local and state politics while at the same time many of their members joining and climbing the ranks of the Republican Party. The conservative media eco so where is just the result of the Nixon era Advertising guy republicans creating by Reagan era a forever degrading comprehension through forever degrading public schools combined with the right wing element within Hollywood and American media that is too down. It’s South Park, it’s anti deep thought, it’s geeking out over needing out, it’s destroying thoughtful media when they had the chance. Y’all can’t rely on the dems to replicate a Joe rogan cause they didn’t make a Rush Limbaugh first and the societal pressures within social groups had been away from deeper understanding and toward shallow understandings of the world and politics bolstered by trite maxims that are watered by the media scape itself.

We need more full literacy, desire to have and know nuance, and commitment to concrete good through minimizing bad and actually making a hobby of it and making that not repellent to a social group. Cause since before I was born it has been wack to ever talk seriously for more than a sec about big problems and their solutions from a point of actual intellectual honesty and learning but hot shit to do bad hot takes with no research and maximum funny/machismo/irony/cool factor.

You don’t really get that from a political party you get that from mercenary type people who join political movements for their own ends. And free healthcare and better pay and less military and reforming police and education and etc don’t attract the Joe Rogans cause it’s at best dropout.tv, not Jake Paul level shit.

We got to be the answer in our social circles by finding ways to get our people to make a hobby out of making shit better the way the right wing did from the 70s through now where they never took any defeat lieing down and after clocking out of work showed up to fuck shit up at town hall meetings, infiltrate unions and Republican local chapters, etc

[seeminglyseph]

Why do my feet hurt so bad right now? I’m gonna be so mad if i suddenly have a new symptom of something.

Like. It feels weird for there to be like… “is there something normal that causes a person’s feet to be a certain degree swollen in some way at the joints or something and due to my already existing pain and joint issues it is presenting as more painful for longer? And because I have a really bad concept of human body maintenance I just need to like. Adjust a basic aspect of my routine or diet or supplements and something will be improved.”

Like. I don’t wanna suddenly have to deal with the smug issue of my mom’s poor understanding of what Diabetes is suddenly coming to the forefront of my problems because despite all of my bloodwork never turning up a problem with my blood sugar, my brain jumped to that with foot problems.

But actually now that I think about it, I remember Ankylosing Spondylitis can affect feet sometimes so like. Fuck damn please don’t be doing that.

Continued memo to self; look for massage therapy or acupuncture for pain management that might fit my medical coverage or budget and also physical therapy as… possible with accessible spoons. Like I know physical therapists can be both but like. It also falls into the “find the right one that is either covered or affordable” umbrella. And when many of them live far enough away that sometimes the car ride can undo a decent amount of the work it’s like. “Okay, let’s find someone who is good enough I’m not just throwing money away”

Pain management is like. Fuckin difficult? Especially when you got like. No money. And like. Sometimes things become more steps than they are because like. Other people are like “hey, be extremely literal and specific and describe your physical sensations in a manner one would find understandable if they were not in chronic pain” and I sit there and realize I’ve been living in a state of near constant attempts at dissociation for ages and I have to try and get in touch with my body entirely to understand the pain and how it works and then try to describe it in a way that doesn’t sound like I have taken any English Literature classes. Because everyone fucking hates it when I use metaphors, it just sounds pretentious.

Also the fact that most pain does not stay or exist in one spot or have one pain level or type is very odd to have to explain like. Idk man my body is constantly in motion and changing, and it’s also like. Damaged and broken and receiving bad signals from my brain that the pain is bad, also my brain is being squished by spinal fluid which my body produces too much of apparently, and also also my body thinks my spinal fluid I think is sometimes an invasive entity in my body which it should destroy. Which like. Results in stuff like bone spurs as my spine gets all fucky and might go full bamboo mode if it builds too much bone. And sometimes the fluid in my eye gets attacked ‘cause it’s also the same a little and my immune system gets confused. And maybe my feet.

Need to talk to rheumatologist. Fuck. Doctor’s appointments everywhere. It gets fucking overwhelming. I feel like I’m constantly like… in and out of new doctors and appointments and maybe it would be different if I felt like I was getting satisfying answers and making progress… but for the moment I just feel in pain and running in circles, and I don’t know if I even understand if I know what I’m supposed to understand. Everything’s so under budgeted that no one has the time to like… explain. And I don’t know half the time what I don’t know until I don’t know it. It feels complicated to explain the situation of my own ignorance but like.

It’s hard to wrangle the time and attention of doctors for long enough to really like… figure out for myself what is fully understood about the situation sometimes. And when cognitive function is sometimes a thing that is called into question like. Is it them or is it me? Who was supposed to make that connection? What was I supposed to do? What am I supposed to be doing in cases of memory issues?

What am I supposed to do when I ask for assistance and they’re like “you probably don’t need it” but then I still like. Keep fucking up? I don’t know what assistance there is to ask specifically or where to look. But like. It’s fine probably. Keep failing until everyone in the whole world gives up on you. It’s the only way.

I need to take a nap before I get too grumpy

[amarantine-amirite]

The Devil’s Voicemail

"I think I have a problem."

Jessica Samples said something stupid. Anne, one of her figure skating teammates, got upset about not being able to go to the Olympics. The Olympic Games had recently been abolished because they exist solely to displace the lower classes of the host cities. Jessica had said something about how she agreed that the Olympics had to go, but not for that reason. It costs a lot of money for cities to host the Olympics and whatever fancy new infrastructure comes from it doesn't get used after the fact. Hosting the Olympics guarantees a city will take a bath.

Nice. Then Jessica got blamed for the resulting suicide. Anne mentioned her comment in the note as the straw that broke the camel's back.

Clarissa Cunningham had problems of her own. "So do I," she responded, "Violet's cancer came back."

Jessica looked at her. "Clarissa, how is that a problem for you? Isn't that a problem for Violet?"

"It's a problem for both of us," Clarissa said. Her above-the-knee boots squeaked as she stood up. "Violet's leukemia came back and now I'm being blamed for it."

Jessica never thought of someone as being to blame for another person's cancer coming back. Things, not people, cause cancer. "OK, I don't think that's what they're talking about when they say toxic people," she giggled.

Clarissa rolled her eyes at yet another straight-haired athlete in a letterman jacket who didn't get her. "Violet's leukemia came back and I got blamed for putting a hex to make it so," she responded.

"Well, that makes my thing seem like nothing," Jessica responded.

Kathryn Herriot entered the garage with a box full of random crap. "I heard your conversation," she responded, "I don't think you're as screwed as you think you are."

Clarissa asked, "So you're saying I didn't hex Violet?"

"Of course not," Kathryn responded, "Hexes don't exist. Who accused you of doing that?"

"Mr. Cohen," Clarissa said without blinking.

Kathryn tipped her head to one side. "The science teacher?" she asked.

"Yes"

Kathryn let out a sigh and sat down. "Either that means Cohen's got it in for you or that he legitimately thinks you can hex somebody's cancer into coming back. I don't know what's worse."

Clarissa looked in the box and noticed an evil-looking board game. "Is that an Ouija board?" she asked

Kathryn nodded. Jessica looked towards the box and asked, "Can I use it to talk to Anne?"

"Why?" Kathryn said.

"I need to ask if she was mentally impaired enough that the note wouldn't be admissible in court."

"Well, you can try," Kathryn chuckled, "but I wouldn't get your hopes up." Going on the witness stand and saying you got your information from a dead person via the Ouija board is a good way to get everyone in the courtroom to laugh at you.

Clarissa's eyes lit up. "Ooh, can we use it to summon Satan?" she asked with enough excitement to shake her bat-shaped hoop earrings.

Kathryn rolled her eyes. "You watch way too many horror movies," she responded. Not only did she sound like every other adult who said that to Clarissa, but her Karen haircut and hoodie with the periodic table printed on it made her look like an amalgamation of judgemental soccer moms and irritated high-expectation fathers.

"That's a yes, right?" said Jessica.

"Yes, go ahead and use it," Kathryn nodded, "It'll be an important lesson."

They went ahead and used the Ouija board. To everyone's (especially Kathryn's) shock, it worked. They contacted Satan.

It didn't go anywhere. They got a voicemail: Hello, you've reached Satan, Ruler of Hell and Oppressor of the Damned. If you're one of those stupid kids who summons me on Halloween as a joke, just fuck off already.

The girls couldn't stop laughing. Who expects to summon a demon and get an answering machine?

It happens every year. On Halloween, a group of idiot teenagers will summon the devil as a joke. It's always a group of the same type of kids: the Goth kid who watches too many horror flicks, the nerd trying to demonstrate Ouija boards are extra-jumbo mumbo jumbo, and the athlete who wants to talk to someone dead.

None of them knew it, but this year would be different. This Halloween, ey had a plan to get those kids to cut it out.

A few days after using the Ouija board, the three of them woke up in the back of a strange car. there was no one at the wheel. In fact, the car was empty.

Clarissa got out first. She discovered that the car had crashed into a pond. Reeds and a stone wall poked over the water line.

Jessica got out and noticed that the pond wasn't a pond, but a river opening into a lake. Kathryn spotted a bridge.

The three of them spotted something gruesome under the bridge: a severed head hanging from the ceiling in a plastic bag. The corresponding body had been cut open and a router had been plugged into the chest cavity.

Clarissa took one look and gagged. Gore in real life is different than in those horror movies she loved so much. Kathryn and Jessica did the same, except Jessica threw up in the trunk.

"I thought I'd find you three here."

The source of the sound was a woman kneeling on a mattress hidden amongst bulrushes and reeds. She had a nearly skeletal frame and she couldn't have been taller than 5'3". She had very pale skin, almond-shaped eyes and hair that couldn't decide whether it was blond or brunette styled in a side pony that had fallen apart. She wore costume angel wings and halo, a frilly, metallic, long-sleeved pink dress with a big ribbon around her waist, and an eye patch. She wielded a bloody hand saw.

She approached the girls with her saw. Kathryn looked back at the corpse and then looked at her. There's no way a human with a saw could've inflicted those injuries.

Clarissa turned around. "Who are you?" she asked.

"Satan's assistant, Princess Karen CLX of Insufficient Light," she responded as she gestured for the girls to follow her away from the car and towards a corn maze at the edge of an empty fairground.

"This corn maze was the second most popular attraction at the county fair. That is until the Minotaur came along," Princess Karen continued, "The Minotaur would rip open the chest, eat everything except the liver, bones, and skin, and finally discard the carcass by the bridge."

Jessica thought the story was a joke. Kathryn thought it was ridiculous and that it was more likely the Minotaur was the ancient Greeks guessing incorrectly what a fossil was. Clarissa thought the story about the Minotaur and the corn maze would make an awesome horror movie.

"It's now the dumping ground for anyone Satan considers a pain in the ass. Ey can plug the remains into the router and the souls of the damned are uploaded to Hell's computer system to be tortured for all eternity," Princess Karen said as she grabbed a large stick and pushed the girls toward the entrance. "If you can make it out, we will pretend this never happened. If you don't, well, you've seen the body by the bridge. That'll be you."

Making it out of the Minotaur's corn maze is significantly harder than it sounds. Clarissa headed east, Jessica headed west, and Kathryn headed south. The Minotaur captured and ate Jessica within minutes.

Clarissa and Kathryn left the maze upon realizing a poorly placed wall of cornstalks blocked the exit. They went back to the car. To their surprise, the car was no longer in the water. Something had dredged it out of the water and returned it to the road.

A bigger and nastier surprise came when the soaked car started on its own and backed up all the way up the road. It zoomed down at the speed of sound and hit Clarissa hard enough to liquefy her.

@normal-writing-prompts

[fakeosirian]

working out more character dynamics for foyf via post again since apparently it makes my brain run better don't mind me (read if you like long-winded armchair psychoanalysis? not kidding it's nearly 4k words under there)

re: fabian's sinner capture, there's a sort of "party line" developing that divides fabian, nina, eddie, and patricia in their opinion of how "to blame" he is

fabian personally holds himself entirely to blame, to the point of not acknowledging that uh, other people did have an impact on that situation; claiming full responsibility and not letting that go, while "noble" and better than shirking it, isn't exactly beating the prideful allegations or helping him not repeat the same mistake again

nina, out of the loop until very recently, is having a completely natural strong emotional reaction primarily based in concern, but her means of expressing concern sounds a Lot like criticism/scolding (and people have come to expect this from her, so they may be more sensitive to it/touchy about it than otherwise) -- ultimately she believes in fabian's good intentions, but she also is in the habit of looking to him for answers/trusting his assessments, so if he's getting angry at her for not agreeing with him that he's a bad person, she's going to scold him extra hard (both "you're wrong" and also "well stop acting bad then!") so he can start feeling reliable again. for his own sake, but tbh, for her sake, too.

eddie complicates matters (not by choice -- he does Not want to play messenger despite doing it anyway) because he and KT are in the unique position of being the only two with complete knowledge of the events of the years previous (or at least as complete as is feasible), and he has a far more forgiving and easygoing disposition relatively speaking. he knows fabian messed up, but he's not alone in that, and eddie simply can't be bothered to fixate on him as some sort of problem in perpetuity now that the crisis was averted. he worries about fabian's emotional state (and patricia's! since she's having similar issues), and he knows you can't just get over it overnight, but he insists that it "wasn't that big of a deal since it's all fine and it wasn't really you" in a way that can come off dismissive. basically, he's probably got a healthier picture of what happened, but that's a luxury he can afford to have. those blaming themselves don't respond well to it, and it has mixed results with those who are still trying to grasp what even happened (since it's a "skipping to the end of all of the emotional work and telling you the answer" sort of response on his part -- there's not much else you can expect from him here, but that's still what it is)

patricia is very interesting because she both understands fabian's perspective better than anyone else (besides alfie, but i've chosen to characterize his self-reflection re: his sinner situation as far more successful thus far because of his circumstances). because of that, she's prone to accidentally turning it into a "competition" with him for who fucked up worse. (a competition he will certainly entertain and is equally likely to start with her, too.) that uh, doesn't exactly help either of them much in the short term, but i think having a mirror held up to your face via another person will, over time, increase the chance that at least one of them will have an epiphany about their actual level of responsibility for what happened (ie. yes, that was you, but fixating on it till it defines you is admitting defeat. you can't morally bludgeon yourself into being a better person). that being said, the high of being able to shed people's expectations of you and embrace being kind of a mess is good in moderation -- if they shrunk back from others to feed this dynamic alone, the "connection" would turn regressively malignant fast.

that being said! ultimately, patricia is inclined to fall on the party line of "it really wasn't as bad as fabian thinks it was" with eddie, while fabian and, to a lesser extent, nina are the ones more concerned.

i focused on fabian's situation and not patricia or alfie (or victor or sweet for that matter lol) because i've been writing scenes relating to it for a while now, but i don't think patricia's would be too much different since it is inextricably linked. people just get shuffled up a bit; patricia is obviously fully convinced of her own guilt, and while he still has that optimistic and forgiving pov, i think eddie would have to see her situation differently than fabian's. yeah, he knew what a sinner was when he made his Big Mistake and she didn't, but the reason for patricia's sinner capture was directly related to eddie personally (and from his pov, more of a "long-running issue" for her). eddie doesn't have a grip on fabian's prideful streak from the years before, so lacking that info, is far more likely to dismiss his behavior in s3 as "situational" (explosive reaction to nina's departure, generally paranoid and horrible vibes bringing out the worst in people, taunted in a weak moment) vs. a consistent character flaw -- he's going to see patricia in shades of grey because of the pressure on their relationship that predated s3 (and thus informed the Problems that precipitated her capture). as a result, i think he's more likely to rank someone knowing about sinners or not as less important than their actual behavior and thought process, which would naturally lead him to be easier on fabian and harder on patricia.

that being said, he's definitely not as hard on her as she is; it wouldn't be quite the fabian and nina dynamic re: fabian's capture, as he doesn't have a complex re: loss of control the same way she does, but it'd certainly bother patricia a lot when he continues to draw lines between their present relationship issues and the sinner incident (even if it's out of concern and wanting her to heal from that). it all comes down to the same issue they've had all along: he wants her to just trust him, not like it's easy, but at least like it's something she wants to do; she wants to, but trusting itself is not the hard part: it's the fear of breaking it later that prevents her from taking the leap.

fabian would believe patricia relatively innocent on the basis that she just couldn't have known. yes, he'd empathize with her feelings in spite of that, but because his own issues are so rooted in "i should have known better," he's going to project that priority, even when it's not super appropriate (which, while patricia should take it to heart that she really couldn't have known better in a lot of ways, it does nothing to address the topic she's struggling with, and thus comes off dismissive). nina, similarly, would be shocked/upset that it happened at all, and while she historically has put a lot of emphasis on results vs intentions, i think being away from anubis house would give her a lot of perspective on that, tbh. s2's high stakes + her natural inclination to not handle loss of control well = explosive reactions to people making mistakes; distance makes the heart grow fonder, though, and it's kinda fucked up, but fabian making a mistake that seems far more like an active choice (from her deeply flawed understanding of the situation) would throw patricia into sharp (and sympathetic) relief.

in my eyes, nina is the type to always find something to be worried about (especially after all she's been through training her to look for danger all the time), but she's very practical in that she's going to focus the most on the biggest problem. (other problems will absolutely influence how she handles being upset about that biggest problem, but her conscious focus is in one place.) if fabian's looking like his moral compass has been compromised, patricia suffering a lapse in judgment over a seemingly-unrelated problem (her relationship with eddie) and having that exploited in a way she couldn't possibly have predicted is, relatively speaking, not that big of a deal. it's just not something nina's concerned about her repeating to the same catastrophic effects, and tbh, it's totally in-line with nina's picture of patricia as long as she's known her. fabian, though, has broken her expectations of him, and thus she has a hard time even "knowing who he is" (which he'd echo and insist on even more than nina would; any lingering trust she has in his perspective would only reinforce her lack of trust in him in a really screwy paradoxical sort of way).

i love that nina and eddie, despite confiding in one another about their feelings on this situation more freely than with other people (save KT -- she's got the most unique position here imo), end up mirroring fabian and patricia in that they have roughly the same "experience" of the situation, but the details force them in opposite directions that feed on one another. eddie has a vested interest in keeping nina from getting too upset about something that's "already over," but nina can't help but look for more information that will hurt her to sate her fear of "missing something important."

ironically, while they're not Guaranteed Healthy, fabian and patricia have a dynamic (read: gallows humor, self-critical commiseration, and ultimately open argument) that lends itself better to healing and mutual understanding than nina and eddie at this point; if you asked him if he thought keeping information from someone would help them, he'd say no, but he's still...sorta ascribing to that belief anyway because he sees nina learning too much too fast from "unreliable sources" and getting upset as a "failure" -- why? well, being "left in charge" by her, being "in charge" of the subsequent disaster, and seeing her disappointment (not necessarily with him, but he'd take it that way) in real time would make anyone feel like a screwup. nina getting stressed in particular is a failure in and of itself to him as a "protector" (same way that fabian sees it, the only difference being fabian's been eating away at that feeling for years and it's finally coming to a head vs. eddie who's coasting through it relatively fresh), so his focus is more on reassuring her via statements of "fact" than working through the feelings with her, even the ugly ones. nina should probably take his word for things a bit more and learn to live in the discomfort of not knowing everything (and most of her ugly feelings should be discussed directly with fabian), but as someone who understands her mindset, "just be ok with being uncomfortable" is easier said than done. especially without actively being in therapy. lol.

fabian and eddie, despite being of polar opposite mindsets re: this whole mess, are able to get along (and even improve their relationship?) because eddie's pattern of being hands off and chill and then directly reality-checking fabian when he starts the conversation about something demonstrates the efficacy of trust through action over a long period of time vs. huge declarations that are easier to reject wholesale as theatrics/failure of reasoning. fabian can only insist eddie not trust him for so long before it starts feeling a little ridiculous. (eddie's practiced trust building over and over with patricia, and while fabian does have pretty potent trust issues at this point, they're not NEARLY as deep-seated as patricia's, so he doesn't have the practice she does at dismissing eddie's attempts. he might not buy in all the way, but eventually he'd feel like more of a dick for shutting eddie down over and over than he would for easing up a bit the compulsive self-punishment he thinks he deserves. it's a war of attrition, at the end of the day, and fabian will lose. the real conflict then becomes keeping it up enough to get him to the inevitable, since i think he'd be able to see this happening and would probably get a little stubborn about it to avoid admitting he's wrong for as long as he can stand, lmfao.)

i want to develop the dynamic between nina and patricia more since i think there's a lot of potential for interesting movements there, especially in contrast to fabian and eddie (who, despite being awkward around each other, are very functional, an irony that shocks everyone involved i'm sure). i don't think they'd be dysfunctional -- if anything, i think nina might actually try extra hard to be kind and forgiving to patricia (and i've started setting that up in ch9). why? well, historically they've had a hard time trusting one another because of misunderstandings beyond their control, and while that's something that faded into the background over time, the perspective nina got from being away would make her value that sort of hard-fought trust more than trust that felt "easy" or "natural" before. patricia isn't automatically receptive to someone making that argument -- see: her entire back-and-forth history with eddie -- but nina in particular might be able to sell her on it because their original beef was so intense and so soundly overcome. and nina is also uh...a bit of a grudge holder, as well, so if she's telling you you're fine, well. i think patricia would recognize she's not bullshitting her, and she doesn't have the same sort of bias fabian (to center his own crimes as worse) or eddie (to convince patricia she's "not actually that bad") have. she has bias, OBVIOUSLY, but if anything, patricia was expecting nina to eviscerate her. that isn't to say it'd be easy -- and tbh i think they'd get frustrated with one another after the initial olive branch due to the poor read on one another's motives/feelings they're liable to have since they've both changed and not since the beginning of s1 -- but between patricia offering an alternative (and probably more useful, to nina specifically) perspective on fabian's sinner capture and nina offering an alternative perspective on patricia's struggles with trusting eddie, there's a lot of potential for a "lightning strike" moment for both of them there.

nina doesn't really? ever? comment on peddie in canon? but i feel like at this point, she'd be able to "reality check" patricia (in the same way eddie can "reality check" fabian) and actually get through to her. not too nice/soft (easy to dismiss as "not getting it"), potentially too harsh in an accidental backhanded sort of way, but patricia responds more readily to feeling attacked than feeling coddled (more familiar), and under the right conditions, i think a "mild" attack from nina "chronic inappropriate reactions" martin would encourage patricia to actually stand up for herself in a productive way. patricia acts how she wants in response to her feelings, even hurting eddie on purpose in some situations, but she doesn't "stand up for herself" in the sense that she doesn't refute people's criticisms and negative perceptions of her. "act untrustworthy to make sure no one trusts you so you can't mess up, since no one trusted you in the first place," self-fulfilling prophecy shit.

nina, someone who had to work to trust patricia and vice versa, expressing disagreement with patricia's perception of a situation (especially after expressing sympathy re: other situations) would actually shock her into defending her own position out of spite (IRONY ALERT) and manifest as true self-defense vs. rejecting what she sees as "pity." that self-defense would be the first step to actually learning how to trust, too, because like fabian, her poor relationships with people are founded in her inability to trust herself. that disconnect makes it hard to give other people the benefit of the doubt as a baseline, so reconnecting with her own subjectivity in an earnest way would make it infinitely easier to understand other people (since she already wants to, she just can't square it with her fears in her head). basically, she trusts nina to not go soft on her, and she also doesn't think nina has a good grasp on what happened. of course, neither of them have a great grasp on it, but they'll have a better chance of finding an acceptable truth between one another when they're not letting their other baggage hold them up.

to sum up:

fabian and nina agree on patricia's circumstances in a way that will ultimately help patricia gain perspective to heal, and it sets them apart from eddie to a lesser extent. they agree on fabian's circumstances in a way that pushes them apart since they're mutually inventing proof that they're "right." this could go on for a WHILE without intervention, but between a) other people getting sick of witnessing this and b) the two of them getting exhausted with being upset with each other, something's going to give eventually. the real rub is how well they actually reconcile (ie. actually laying everything out on the table, even if it's upsetting at first, vs. doing what they have before which is make easier but incorrect assumptions until something snaps and the cycle begins again).

patricia and eddie agree on fabian's circumstances in a way that does very little to impact him but does A LOT to push them apart (since eddie can't understand why patricia won't apply the same logic to herself), compounded by them agreeing on patricia's circumstances in terms of her being the "worse problem" (proximity bias). because this is a long-standing issue between them that has basically nothing to do with nina or fabian, outside interference can go either way re: helping or hurting. (as the fic progresses, this is critical point of failure -- easily visible example: fabian doesn't want to break them up, but he doesn't want to push them together, either, re: his own feelings.)

eddie and nina have the weakest relationship with one another out of the whole group of four, and by that i mean they know each other the least well. they have a very literal special bond, but they don't know much about it, they haven't had much interaction in person in the same place, and their approaches to interpersonal issues could not be more different. as a result, their disagreements over both fabian and patricia put some strain on their ability to understand one another (especially since there's the added complication of eddie's direct experience vs. nina's lack of re: s3, and vice versa for the events of s1-s2). however, their emotional stakes in an argument with one another are FAR lower because they're less close, so they gain a lot of insight into the "other side" by hashing it out. the biggest complication is eddie's tendency to self-sacrifice for nina. he's more likely to hold back when he shouldn't, and if she notices, she won't like it. they'd end up arguing more about metacommunication (how you said something/if you aren't saying something/etc) than the actual problem at hand, tbh, which isn't helpful in and of itself, but getting tired of arguing about it could be (both for their relationship and for their relationships with the other two). once they're capable of being very frank with one another, i think they'd have one of the more stable mutual understandings of all of these pairups (which will get very fun once the poly hell REALLY gets going).

patricia and fabian, on the other hand, have a VERY long and varied history with one another, and thus would be inclined to respect one another's flawed self-perception enough to hear one another out, but they will argue about it and ultimately only be able to agree on their self-punishment being appropriate/deserved. in a vacuum, this is only going to make them worse, but they're not in a vacuum. if one of them makes progress, the other one is not far behind (with growing pains, of course) because of the nature of their feedback loop. however, long term that creates the problem of associating the now strengthened relationship they have with their darker impulses, so i anticipate guilt-for-being-close-with-you featuring more frequently as time passes.

eddie and fabian have a historical dynamic that is very uncertain/subject to change from moment to moment, but the fact that they're still roommates without killing each other, they still talk even when it's uncomfortable, and they still enjoy each other's company despite...a LOT of reasons not to in the past...is proof-through-action that missteps between them are not fatal. they don't have extended conversations about the nitty gritty of their issues (usually leaving it at "dude that sucks" or "that's not true man"), but that contrast works in their favor as a "balancing" agent. improvement and progress are rarely planned -- you do just keep going in the middle of crisis and beyond. of course, their feelings about one another intersecting with their feelings about other people makes things awkward, and they do have a fundamental disagreement about the moral questions of the year previous, but the fact that those things don't make life unlivable is extremely reassuring. learning to live with the discomfort type shit. the trust that grows there is extremely natural and "sneaks up on them" as a result.

similarly, nina and patricia have a similar "learn to live with the discomfort" theme, but the method is completely different. they do talk about stuff in the nitty gritty, but because their relationship is already based in defying one another's expectations, they're able to cut through a LOT of bullshit much faster. there's a lot of "i have no reason to lie" being thrown around here, so even though they might view each other as harboring flawed reasoning and resent the other for it, they never disbelieve that it's held in earnest -- that makes it much easier to eventually come to discard beliefs that don't stand up to scrutiny because there's far less ego involved in who is "right" and who isn't when you already got through that phase with a person. (patricia's transgressions are also far less personal to nina, so she's simply not going to be as pressed about it in the first place; patricia would be inclined to come to fabian's defense, but because a lot of nina's issue is believing the bullshit he tells himself that patricia has a lot of experience arguing with, she's in a prime position to point out to nina where she's right and where she's not re: fabian.)

i still haven't worked out who's going to end up flirting with who and when (since oh yeah by the way i updated the relationship tags <3) and that will HEAVILY impact how ^ all of that plays out (part of the reason why i wrote a lot of it in a theoretical tone despite being. in full control of the events.) but i think i'm going to leave that to a different post. lmfao