#and the fact that im a people pleaser

[woestruckalex]

sometimes i wonder weather my trauma actually shapes me as a person.. i used to think that i was capable of acting like a normal functioning adult but these days ive been noticing a lot of flaws that could be explained by my childhood

[madequecham]

.

[butteredfrogs]

vent in tags

[vanweezer]

very very personal, just insight into where im at w my family and things that bother me/have encouraged me to move out

"i know youre moving out so im just gonna say no ones kicking you out and if you feel like this is something you have to do then ok"

thanks! i know im not being kicked out! but yknow i kinda yet a weird vibe when your out of touch husband takes me to a cemetery to yell at me, tell me im just like my father/dont give my father "the time of day", and that im "mean to people who care about me" in front of his dead mother's grave in a poor attempt at guilting me out of speaking my mind. but no yeah thanks for stating the fucking obvious that im leaving on my own terms

[dubioushonour]

Thinking midnight thoughts.

Thinking I want to go back in time and punch both of my sisters in the face for telling me I was going to die alone at the age of 13 because I wasn't the kind of girl that boys liked.

[xawkward-ariesx]

Starting the new year with three new comments on Golden Girl, feeling increasingly guilty for not updating in over two years

[wheelsupin-five]

TELL ME ABOUT YOUR COD OC MERCY!!!!!!!

MERCY MY TRAGIC BELOBED BOY <33

Name: Emrys Leigh (meaning immortal meadow/clearing)

Call sign: Mercy (obtained through the fact he is RUTHLESS in the field and excelles in ✨information extraction✨)

Age: approx 28 but who's counting (not me)

Picrew by lunevani

He normally wears a dark fabric face mask bc the scar pulls on his lips and exposes his teeth a little bit (I am normal I promise I am sooooo normal) and it drys out his mouth and also it makes him look more intimidating which he likes (it's also just one scar running from temple down through both his lips). He has THEE winter soldier stare of all time which terrifies new recruits but also anyone with a healthy sense of self preservation

He joined the British army at 19 (it was 100% an act of self destruction but now he cant leave bc it's all he knows) he specialized as a sniper and joined the SAS at 22, (was captured and tortured (but did not break) at 23 and took a year to rehabilitate before rejoining), and was hand picked by Price to join TF 141 at ~27 (again my math might be wrong but idc).

At some point during this he leveled up to a Sargent which is his current rank.

Looking at the scary brooding man who speaks very little who WILL snarl at you if you piss him off enough you would not guess it but he is a BIG card game fan HOWEVER do not play w him bc he will CHEAT bc hes also very good at slight of hand (and card tricks!!)

Hes literally just a silly little guy with a tragic background and enough trauma for a fucking large city but he tells silly jokes when he warms up to you (but takes a while) and once you have his trust you will have it for life !! You would kill for you without question !! Hes a coffee snob but in the way he'll turn his nose up at anything that isnt literally the shittiest instant coffee you've ever tasted !!

He also has an idle animation of systematically tensing + relaxing muscle groups which earns him some side eyes but no one has the balls to ask abt it <3

Anyways soap was the first person to gain his trust bc that man is relentless it's not his first rodeo (befriended ghost asap), then price (had worked w him prior a few times so he did have a head start), then gaz, then eventually ghost (if you put two private quiet people in a room together they WILL just sit in silence)

[femadjecent]

Keroro's extreme need to people please to a point it ends up become self sabotage I'm setting him on fire

[somekindafairy]

im always curious when i loose a chunk of followers what did it, like what was the last straw, broski, what finally did you in

[guinevereslancelot]

currently hating and killing myself for leaving work early even tho i literally threw up within a minute of walking in the door when i got home

[averysmolkirbo]

People: "video games make you violent!!1!!1"

me: "I cant NOT say hi to this fictional person. What if they think i hate them. what i hurt their feelings???"

[tsukihigui]

i feel like we need to address the notion that like. just bc you relate to an influencer doesn’t mean their insight is correct

[misunderstandings-georg]

Fucking hate packing for travel. I didn't even wear makeup to my brothers wedding and this 4 night trip has me asking myself if I should bring a day shade of lipstick as well as a night shade just in case

[jeepers-scoob]

Coming to the realization that I've always been confrontational and just have so much social anxiety and inability to be the focus of someone's anger that I can't get it out so it just gets on a loop in my head where I argue and argue and argue.

That being said I can feel my 'if you let a shitty opinion/belief be known I'm gonna make it uncomfortable for the both of us' era coming on bc I'm so fucking tired of being surrounded by bigots and feeling like I need to stay silent bc I can't handle someone not liking me when I actively do not want to be liked by a fascist

[lovphobic]

I get what you're saying and my priv acc is for like. the things i don't want to admit to myself tbh things that i know I'll feel ashamed of someone saw but i just can't not write it, also sometimes it's just negative thoughts that I consider ugly so I think that maybe if I write it down I'll get it out of my body in a way?? kinda like a purification of my mind lmao

ok your ex is just a bitch tbh there's no other words to describe them, you have every right to feel the rage u described bc damn. if someone had this fucked up mindset around me i would be doing the world a favor by throwing a stone at their head lol and isn't it amazing how this type of ppl always manages to make everything about them and bc of them?? u exist bc of them and u act bc u want to get a reaction out of them, no they're never the one who creates the bad vibes in the room and they're never the one to blame if a fight starts it's just so lol at least it's over

oh yeah i get that part of it too. i mostly just keep those in my head. which maybe isnt healthy? but over time i just forget them LMAO so its just as effective as putting it on a priv yk?

and EXACTLY oh my god. like i wont be on here acting like im 100% without fault bc u know what sometimes i just got so fucking fed up that i DID start shit JUST so shed leave me the hell alone but that only worked for like 2-3 days 😭😭 shed b like ok i think we need to take a good break away from each other and id be like AMEN TO THAT (thinking im gonna get like 3 weeks) and then 3 days later shed come in like heyyy are u ready to talk. like? FUCK NO? ljkfhsdfj

[auroralwriting]

the gun

spencer reid x genius!bau!reader

oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both reached for the gun, the gun, the gun…

"you just needed to prove to Spencer, once and for all, that you had all the skills to be the best agent, the best genius."

word count: 2.3k

warnings: cm violence, blood, enemies to lovers, kinda rushed im sorryyyy, fem reader slightly mentioned

a continuation of this story can be found here

Spencer and you always competed. He had an eidetic memory, you had a photographic.

The difference between you two was anything you ever saw, read, you held in long-term memory. Spencer’s, though, resided in short term. However, Spencer was also an autodidact, meaning he could teach himself anything. You also had a vast emotional intelligence. You had such strong empathy, you could detect any micro-detail anyone displayed, making you the perfect lie-detector one that even Hotch couldn’t evade.

Spencer was Jason Gideon’s special boy. Gideon helped Spencer make his way in the BAU. You were David Rossi’s special girl, him noticing your skills from a young age when he met you during a case. He guided you to make all the best choices, leading you to the BAU as well. It took a few years, timing and all, but you got there.

When Dave transferred to Quantico’s BAU, he requested your transfer as well. He thought you would mesh well with the team. More specifically, he assumed you and Spencer would become a genius duo; totally unstoppable.

Oh, how wrong he was. It was from the moment you’d corrected Spencer on some statistic he spewed, you both became enemies forced to co-exist on the same team. There was never a civil moment, always some fight. It was sad, too. You remembered the first time you saw him, you were struck by how cute he was. Too bad he decided to hate you before you got a chance.

Vividly, you remembered the most intense fight you both had.

“So someone with a medical degree,” Hotch muttered. “That’s got to be impossible.”

“It’s more likely that have a nursing degree.” Spencer replied. “We’d be looking at around one hundred eighty thousand people a year. If our unsub is a new graduate, that’s the numbers we’d be looking through.”

You shook your head, “It’s actually one hundred fifty seven thousand. Also, narrow it down to nursing degrees in New York, and you get around eight thousand. Eleven percent were men, so around six hundred. Lower it even more to those who don’t have any family members, most likely from group homes, you can get maybe seventy?”

oh, yes

Garcia clacked away at her keyboard, “My baby’s got it! Seventy two people. If we’re looking at NYU specifically, thirteen.”

Pride filled your system. It was fulfilling when you were able to get things right. Spencer, on the other hand, wasn’t too happy about that.

“You know, nobody asked your opinion.” He scoffed.

“It isn’t opinion, Reid. It’s purely fact, ones you should probably get right.” Your reply had Spencer clenching his fists.

How dare you insult his intelligence? His IQ was much larger than yours, you weren’t one to speak on that. “Maybe you should focus on the case instead of trying to be a people pleaser,” Spencer sneered your way.

His reply made you roll your eyes, “At least I can tell what people want. You’re oblivious, Reid.”

oh, yes

Slowly, the two of you began to go back and forth, your voices raising. Before the situation blew up, Hotch stepped in, trying to mediate. However, Spencer mumbled something under his breath, something you couldn’t just let go. It hurt, stung like a bee, and you weren’t going to let him walk away feeling victorious.

“At least my mentor didn’t up and leave me.” you snapped. “He’s still with me, he didn’t just vanish with a stupid little note as a dingy goodbye.”

Spencer had paused, face dropping. You read him like a book, you’d gone too far. He showed minuscule signs of distress, grief, sadness. The room was silent, no one quite knew what to say.

oh, yes

“Reid, I-”

“Save it.”

Spencer had walked away, leaving you to feel shameful of your words. Rossi just squeezed your shoulder. The man knew you didn’t mean it.

they both

Since then, it was like the two of you were on each other’s cases, constantly bickering and arguing. Now, you were almost subconsciously battling each other for the genius role of the team. Was there any need to? No, not at all, but your fights had become not a battle, but a war.

You stood outside the bank with your team. “They have hostages,” You identified, attempting to peer inside. “There’s no way we can go in. It’s a suicide-murder mission.”

oh, yes

“There’s gotta be a way,” JJ shook her head. “Maybe there’s another way in.”

“It doesn’t look like it,” Derek sighed.

After a few hours, Will made the decision to go inside. You had to help hold back JJ as he walked in. Hearing the bullets made you sick. You physically had to double over, holding back the tears. It suddenly hit you how dire the situation was. You went back to the van with the team. No one really knew what to say.

"Did you see where he was shot?" JJ asked. "Is he alive or dead, Garcia?"

Penelope's breath was shaky, "I don't know."

"He was wearing a vest." Emily reasoned. "He might be okay."

JJ gave a smile, but it was one of disbelief. "Might be," She muttered, shaking her head in reply.

It was then that the team decided to go in. You shoved your gun in your holster, "I'll take first point," You offered. "Check and see if Will's okay. I'll try and manipulate them into letting me go to him." Hotch nodded. With your knowledge of psychology and your emotional intelligence, Hotch knew you could do it.

they both

"L/n, it's too dangerous." You heard Spencer say over the phone. "Just wait for me to tell you where to go in."

You rolled your eyes, "Reid, I'm not stupid. I've handled multiple hostage situations."

Spencer didn't reply. You liked that. This was the first time you'd be able to prove yourself without Spencer's help. This was honestly just a way for you to prove you were the better of the two. Your actions were motivated by the desire to be the best; a classic narcissistic move. You weren't a narcissist, though. You just needed to prove to Spencer, once and for all, that you had all the skills to be the best agent, the best genius.

Oddly enough, hostages flooded out of the bank as you made your way back outside. Maybe Will was alive and managed to get them all out. Once none more came out, you and two other cops began to make your way inside stealthily.

Right as you got in the middle of the bank, you heard Rossi's panicked voice over your comms, "Abort, abort!"

oh, yes

There was no time to reply. It all happened so suddenly. You heard the explosion before you felt it. It was hard to breathe. You couldn't see, hear. It slowly registered that there was a bomb, and it went off.

they both reached for

You had no clue where you had been thrown to. Everything felt cold, really cold. A loud ringing filled your ears as you slowly sat up. You touched your head, pulling back to feel stickiness on your fingers. Your vision was blurry, but you knew it was blood. You had to get out of the building. You needed help, medics, your team. Was anyone else in your team inside yet?

they both reached for the gun

A grunt left your lips as you stood up. You felt your legs give out under you, and you went down again. The desire to live was stronger than your physical weakness, and you stood up again. It was so dusty and hazy that you couldn't see. You leaned on the nearest wall for support, slowly using it to try and find your way out of the building. All that you heard in your head was get out, survive, get out, survive.

After what felt like ages, you felt a breeze against your skin. You followed it, hoping it would lead out, and it did. The light was harsh on your eyes as you tried to scan the area. It was then you saw Spencer and Hotch-- what was Spencer doing here? He was still at the BAU last you'd checked. Maybe the blast knocked you out cold.

Trudging your way over, you weakly called out. "Aaron, Spencer,"

the gun

Spencer knew he heard his name. He looked up from the blueprints of the building to see you, blood covering different parts of your body, your skin covered in debris and dust. You had limp, and your eyes were blown out. "Oh my god," he muttered, running over to you.

the gun

The genius took your in his arms as you fell into him, "How'd you get here?" you asked. "What's for dinner?"

Spencer took notice of your confusion as he allowed you to lean on him. He took your face in his hands, "Y/n, look at me. Focus on me,"

the gun

You couldn't directly look at him. Your eyes darted all over the place. "Where's Rossi? Did he go in?"

"No, Rossi's okay." Spencer leaned over his shoulder, "We need a medic!" He yelled, quickly turning his attention back to you. "It's okay, you're okay."

oh, yes

"I can't feel anything," you breathed out, "That can't be normal. Is that normal? Spencer, am I dying?"

oh, yes

Spencer shook his head, "You're okay, it's okay."

"I can't die," You softly whimpered. "I'm sorry, Spencer. 'M so mean to you, I don't mean to be."

Deep down, Spencer knew you meant what you were saying. The fear of dying without getting your true feelings out always lead to admissions of the truth. "I know, I know," Spencer smoothed your hair. "I don't hate you, I don't. You're going to be okay." Spencer slowly became anxious as he noticed the amount of blood seeping from your head. "Look at me, please, keep talking to me."

"'M sorry," You muttered, feeling your eyes grow heavy. Spencer's face began to fade as you collapsed in his arms.

Spencer felt his breathing grow heavy as he held you tightly. "Medic! She's-- oh, god, Help!"

they both reached for the gun.

A steady beeping was the first thing you heard as you woke up. The light was a blinding white, and you let out a groan at it. Your body hurt like hell, and your head was pounding.

"Shh, shh. It's okay, here, let me just--"

The white lights went out and all that was left was the stream of daylight coming through the windows, along with a lamp that was a warmer light. It was much more comfortable that way. You quickly guessed you were in a hospital. The beeping, white lights, smell of rubbing alcohol that you just identified.

"How do you feel?"

Spencer. You turned your head to look at him. His face held deep concern. He was holding your hand. "I--" You paused, considering his question. "I feel like shit."

He let out a soft chuckle, "Yeah. You kind of got exploded." That's right, the bomb.

"Oh, Will, the team, are they okay?" You softly asked.

Spencer nodded, "Everyone's okay, we got the unsubs. It's all okay now."

You remembered Spencer's words. You should have waited to go in. If you had waited, maybe you wouldn't be in this situation right now. "I should've listened to you." You stated weakly. "You were right. I was being stupid."

"Hey, no," Spencer quickly interrupted. "You were doing your job."

"I wasn't," you shook your head. "I wanted to prove myself. I-I wanted.. to show that I didn't just do victimology and simple hostage relief situations. I wanted to prove myself like you have." You stopped, sucking in a pained breath. You felt your eyes become glassy. "I wanted to prove to everyone I was just as good as you."

Spencer felt his heart break at your words. You both knew overall, he was smarter. It never occurred to him that your constant bickering was to prove yourself, and not to prove him wrong. "You're better." Spencer decided to say. "I mean, I can't relate to our victims, hell, our unsubs the way you can."

"Spencer,"

"I'm serious." He continued. "You're so important to this team. You-you push us to be better." Spencer cleared his throat, "You push me to be better."

You stared at Spencer blankly for a moment, "I never told you that I like this haircut."

Spencer gave you a slightly surprised look. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," You hummed. "It makes you look, I don't know, less like Einstein and more like, uh, a really smart James Dean."

"James Dean," Spencer repeated, "I've never gotten that one before. Are those meds talking right now?"

You shook your head slowly, "Probably the clearest I've thought in a while." You replied, causing Spencer to smile. "Why did you stay with me?"

Spencer paused for a moment, "I wanted to make sure you were okay. I know we bicker a lot. Well, more than a lot. Probably several times a day, but I still care about you. I-I was.. really scared for you. I don't think I could forgive myself if I let you walk in there and you'd died."

"It wouldn't have been your fault," You tried. Spencer just shook his head.

"It would have been. I should've rationalized it with you. When I saw you, I just thought, 'What have I been doing this whole time? Have I really been wasting my breath arguing with you when we could've made the best team'? I remember when Rossi first introduced you, I was like, 'No way someone this pretty is doing this', when you should've been some model or something." Spencer rambled. He did that, paired with hand fidgeting, when he was nervous. He rambled as he played with your fingers.

You took a breath in, hoping for the best. "Hey, maybe we could, uh, go to one of those team based trivia nights at O'Keefe's?"

"Are-are you asking me out?" Spencer asked.

"Only if you're saying yes." You responded. "I, uh, maybe thought we could start over."

Spencer gave a chuckle, "Yeah, trivia night sounds good. I'd like a retry at this. Maybe we're, uh, meant to be more than just a team."

You smiled at him, knowing that a simple friendship wouldn't be highest point of your new relationship with the genius.