#and thats on chronic dissociation

[publicuniversalenemy]

android boy ^-^

[dirtytransmasc]

I haven't posted about Avatar in a *hot* minute, but, I have been infected with the hyperfixation again and the incessant urge to just hit Spider with the projection/trauma stick is driving me feral.

I just want to give him a shit ton of issues man. I want to make my sweet baby boy baby miserable. I love him so I have to make his life as hard as possible.

like making him absolutely unwell and giving him a list of chronic illness/disabilities (on top of the ones he already has from being human on Pandora) wouldn't fix me, but it'd do something that'd make my brain feel a little less implode-y 🤷🏻

Edit: small disclaimer for anyone who doesn't know me, I am disabled, hence why I said projection, I just feel like I should mention that, or the tone of this post feels a little uncomfy

[kkoct-ik]

do you support endogenic systems/plurals?

i respect all neurodiversities and human beings

[satansloveclub]

Realizing as I get older, I am really bad at social cues and have a hard time understanding sarcasm, but I know when they are joking, but it always take a second to be like ohh they are joking like ohhh my god

[countv0ncunt]

Feeling incredibly mentally ill rn and the only thing I'm capable of doing is watchinh Dimension 20 videos while drawing. Feeling like an emo panhandle slim except there's no history or portraits of famous people here just me

[trickinabucket]

Hey

We went into the path of totality for the eclipse

It was amazing! I’m lucky as fuck.

And also unlucky as fuck, bc i already know i wont remember shit abt it, in the grand scheme of things.

[adolins-heart]

I feel like every time I look at someone and go "is x normal" they look at me like I've grown a third head bc no it's not

I rlly need to stop functioning under the assumption that anything abt me is normal

[theblankest123]

Man i feel quite miserable and idk why

[echidnana]

having feelings about being a system and also having bad dissociation :((

[symbioticsimplicity]

You know, I'm always wondering why I can't stop clenching my jaw. It hurts, and I'm constantly reminding myself to stop, but even in my sleep I can't seem to manage it. But then I do things like crush the cockroach climbing up my leg while I'm laying in bed and I'm like "Oh yeah that's right." Its more of a wonder that I haven't broken *more* of my teeth.

[walking-loather]

LONG ramble ahead. Feel free to skip. (Also this stuff is probably a bit too personal but i dont really care tumblr is my diary and i just have to get these thoughts out)

I had my first almost completely pain free day today and... It was fucking magical. Like, I still had pain in all of the niggling areas i always do: muscle tension, joint pain.

But my nerve pain. My nerve pain! For a good while it just wasnt there. And because the pain wasnt there, the FND couldnt kick up a fuss. I felt strong. I could stand. I wasnt hurting.

When i woke up after my surgery nearly a decade ago, i was in the worst pain of my life. I was writhing and screaming and begging to die. 10 out of 10 out of 10. And over the course of my hospital stay it diminished. Went from 10 to 9 to 8. And then 8 is where it stayed. It became my new normal.

I forced my way through the first year of recovery waiting for it to get better... But it never did.

I tried to push through and not let anything hold me back. I dont know how many times i sobbed to myself quietly about how unbearable it was. I tried to take my life twice, and the pain was a significant reason why.

Eventually i got on meds that knocked it down to a 7, and a 7 is where ive been for the last 5 years. Every day.

Eventually i just kinda resigned myself to it. I couldnt think about the future because whenever i did, all i could feel was: "every moment of the rest of my life is going to feel like this". I accepted it, and i tried to move on. I found someone that i loved enough to stick around for. Someone who made living with the pain worth it.

And now, with this new cocktail of drugs... That burning pain is gone. Or at least, its no longer an electric, burning, blistering, grinding pain. Its tempered to what feels like a candle flame. And for a few rare moments here or there it goes away.

I dont know what to do with that. All of my other pain pales in comparison. They're their own little burning pains, but it doesn't feel like it matters. i can live with them.

And im finally hopeful about my future. Because for a few minutes last week i felt nothing. Blissful nothing. I was so shocked i couldnt even believe it.

When the pain came back i didnt even care or feel cheated, because all ive wanted for so long was just a few seconds pain free, and i got it. I didnt have to be drugged out of my mind (well ... Excluding the cocktail of drugs i was on). I just was. And when it was gone i wasnt upset because i knew if it could happen once, it could happen again. and i had a reason to be excited for my future; my long term future.

Im not just sticking around for other people anymore. Im sticking around for myself too. Because i deserve another five minutes without pain.

(sidenote: do i feel insanely guilty about having a break from my pain; and that its not fair; and that other people deserve it more than me; and that i shouldnt talk about it because its just rubbing it in everyones faces; and that i must have just been exaggerating the pain; and i dont deserve to even call myself disabled anymore; and that im scum; and that i should instead continue to suffer in pain because its all i know, and i dont know how to be myself without pain because its become such an integral part of who i am; and because its who ive been for near as makes no difference a decade; and that im just waiting for the other shoe to drop and somehow prove that im a fraud; and that the pain i had was never real, nor is the pain i have that the meds havent affected; and that im lying about everything; and that I dont deserve help; and that everyone in my life who has pain and hears me talk about this hates me, resents me; and that im terrified of losing the pain because it knows me intimately, and i know it, and that this severing is making me question who i am; and that the answer im getting in my head is: no one; you are no one without this.... Yeah, maybe. Maybe i am thinking that)

[moonphaseswrites]

andre nikto headcanons!!

based off of a few canon things but most go based off the harsh exterior the series give

just a few, may continue on another day...

sfw

ive heard people headcanon him having did, and i know in canon that he has acute dissociation disorder, that his voices are really just alters. he just refuses to acknowledge their names or that they each have their own personalities and names they prefer to be called to differ between them. absolutely despises it when his lover tries bringing that theory up, or when he 'blacks out', which usually is just an alter taking his place for a while, sometimes itll be one that likes them and will cuddle in bed.

hes constantly muttering to himself throughout the day, whether thats telling his 'voices' to shut up or occasionally repeating a few words from conversations he has been in or that he just happened to over hear. it ranges from curses to dumb phrases he may not understand.

under the mask and eyeblack, along with the harsh disfigurements along his face, there are several old scars that run down from above his eyebrows all the way down to the bottom of his crooked, fucked up nose. its a pain in the ass to make the eyeblack stick and not come off too much, but theyre healed enough that its not an absolute pain to do.

due to his 'voices', he has chronic insomnia from all of the obnoxious chitter chatter he constantly hears in his head. he almost never gets the peaceful silence that he craves, this is connected to the reason why he constantly tries making his team shut up whenever interacting isnt important and why he hides away in his own barracks when able to. although, occasionally he will appreciate his partner talking in whatever language they please, not usually even paying too much focus onto their word usage. the same with krugers annoying use of english and german towards him, the austrians attempt at making sure the russian is still domesticated and not feral, keeping him in the loop if he accidentally hides away for a few days after a long hard mission.

he does canonically have a normal usage of "we" and "us", usually when the 'voices' are constantly nagging and bitching about being included in onto his conversations instead of him trying to pretend they dont exist. because of them trying to be involved in his daily life, he sometimes will directly mention them to people, talking about "them", "the voices", and "useless chatter boxes". if his partner refers to him in a plural sense, like lovers or beloveds, he just fucking melts, unused to people mimicking his plural usage in a non mocking way.

nsfw (under the cut line)

he is an absolutely ruthless top, the type to overstimulate you to the point you quite literally pass out underneath his touch. he isnt at all gentle with it either, any whines or begs are returned with "you can take it", "shh.. shh... relax, precious, just a bit more..", or some russian phrases you cant even decipher at this point, hardly even recognizing them.

aftercare is sometimes rare. yes, its still there, but he will either tell you that youre on your own or just straight up walk out on you, just because everything going on his head is just becoming way too overwhelming. like all he can hear in the moment are screams from his alters all trying to tell him what they are wanting and some of said screams are coming from ptsd of different missions and places. it sometimes hits him like a brick.

when he can and does give aftercare, its usually in the form of a quick wipe down, head to toe, cleaning any drool or over substances off of your body. as little as he could care about getting things dirty, its something that he doesnt really have to talk throughout or do too much touching. yeah, hes not big on much physical touch, but its better than trying to bathe with you.

he definitely loves receiving head, being in full control, doing just about every little thing he wants?

knife play. loves digging his knife into you, carving his initials in you... oh no, not in english. no no. hes carving his russian initials into you. right on your inner thigh, constantly telling you to relax and to quit squirming. well, thats when hes spekaing, most responses are him squeezing your other thigh in warning with an occasional russian demand.

loves ramming you into the bedding. just washed the sheets and/or made the bed? too bad, its going to be messy and dirty when hes finished with you. biting into any bits of skin he could reach with his mouth. ignore the gaps in his bites from where a few teeth are missing from back when he was being tortured, a few are gone from battle, but he doesnt mind, anymore that is. just bite into the pillow and enjoy his harsh thrusts.

[t6fs]

OC smash or pass

[Copied Rules: pretty self explanatory. include physical descriptions or pics, and propaganda. the “other” label can be used for “sexuality misalignment” (ie: oc is femme and you’re gay, vice versa or you aren’t into smashing but a specific thing you wanna do with them like perhaps hug or study them under a microscope idc).]

I didnt get tagged by anyone I am doing this because I feel like it. fwm

Name: The Sixfinger'd Scrimshander

Age: 11,003 32

Gender: any

Sexuality: Hole

👍

Top, but vers

Autism

Thoughtful, helpful

Will handmake you a priceless piece of art thats also a gimmick tool in some way

Can hold its breath for 6 minutes

Very loyal

Immune to Mirror Goobers and other such nonsense

Flexible, good endurance, multiple rounds

Full body tattoos

Constable hater

Monster Hunter (?)

not human (an alien)

Two,

Can and will purr while cuddling

Legally Blind = Sees best with its hands

Six Fingers with a high dexterity

Rubbery anatomy (tentacles, 3 tongues)

Honest

Very high pain tolerance

22 piercings above the collarbone

Incredible listener, asks good questions and pays attention

👎

Blunt and direct to a fault

Will break into your house, never knocks

Cannot process the passage of time

Strong prey drive that must be accounted for

Post-nut existential blues (crying)

Constant dissociation

The Poet lives in its head and he sucks

Masochist to an uncomfortable degree

Won't bottom

Smokes

Takes forever to reply to letters

Will not pick up on flirtation or subtext, forcing you to ask directly if you want things from it sexually

Monstrous Anatomy (shapechanges into a very large monster that is mostly just unsafe)

Impossible to get rid of

Couldn't lie to save anything's life

Debilitating chronic illness that wipes it out every few months and makes it delerious

Impulsive in ways that can lead to your house burning down

Almost never apologises

everything it cooks is a biohazard (EXCEPT its "bone tea")

weird and bashful about legs

[vibes-on-the-fritz]

[im going to preface this post by stating i am extremely dissociated in this moment and therefore may not be as clear as i would like to be]

im so tired of having to be ok. im in pain and its ok if that sucks. just because its not something new doesnt mean its not taking up mental energy. im dizzy the vast majority of the time and cannot stand without falling, and its ok if thats frustrating. i should not have to put a positive spin on my disability for abled people to be comfortable with me talking about it. i do not have to be ok with my chronic pain, even if its a low pain day. idk im just so tired of pretending like its comfortable to exist in this shitty body.

[this post is about physical disabilities, do not derail]

[system-of-a-feather]

We would love to hear more about being a "system of zero" - is it related to ur Buddhism? It sounds v interesting

Kind of? Its one of those things that I think is something that happened and is the best way of describing our experience as it just kind of innately formed, but our Buddhist perspective made it so we were 100% okay with it and 0% motivated to change it

I talk a little more about it in depth here and here, but full fusion into what we call "Feathers" is different from how we've experienced fusion in the past in the sense that past fusions (while we were still dissociative enough to have it be a CDD diagnosis level) usually eventually form a sense of self, identity, and what not; they would hold their fused parts identities but then there would be this third blend that had a name and traits about them that they'd identify with and that would be a lot more "this is [insert part] and they are easy to define with [traits and core beliefs about self and what not]".

XIV 2.0 was a somewhat temperamental, combative and abrupt but also very good at understanding, listening, and caring; he was very anti-america and pretty anarcho-communist in ideals (different in practice but).

Riku TM was very sociable, a bit of a martyr complex, very knowledge and curiosity driven, chronically and sometimes toxically optimistic / positive; seemingly likable and sociable but also somehow less authentically compassionate and understanding than XIV against most awareness.

Those sorts of descriptions felt very easy to make and they developed this concept of self that each individual part had and held onto about what made them, well them. They meant a lot to each of those parts and honestly, they still mean a lot to a lot of those parts when we choose to engage specifically in one of those lens. There's the whole person vs parts language, and for us, they're entirely synonymous beyond the context; but for the sake of discussing identity, sense of autonomy, and self in the level of "headcounts", each of those parts felt like they were a person of their own that was a part of a larger thing. There was a sense of autonomy, independence, distinction and definition to those parts. They could zoom in on themselves and find their fused-parts and if they focused they could also find those parts having that same sense; but even without doing that, Riku TM and XIV 2.0 - for example - were concepts, entities and identities that identified well... just as themselves.

Our fully fused state "Feathers" very much doesn't really have any defining personality traits or desires or labels or identity traits of really any level that we really feel strongly belong / are attached to us and nothing really gives us a sense of "that's me" or "this is what makes me me" or "these are things that I am proud of and hold close to me because I did it" or anything like that; and that include the name "Feathers".

There are things you can use to describe our fused self that we'd go "Oh yeah thats a fair description" (buddhist, generally trans, Asian American, On the Left Politically, we like birds, etc), but that acknowledgement of "yeah thats fair" comes from a very detatched observation and objective lens as we take the perspective of someone looking at us. It's very hard to argue that I'm NOT Asian American, NOT trans, NOT politically left, and NOT Buddhist when you look at how we act, so I guess we are those things.

But if you were to ask us things that really make us who we are? Eh, our existence in itself is the only thing that defines us as "Feathers". We like birds, but thats subject to change and we are okay with that. Our sense of self doesn't rely on birds, or really any personality trait or behavior or identity label. Feathers simply is Feathers and Feathers simply exists.

And as a result, there isn't really much in our life that makes us go "oh I'm me, I'm a unique and individual person, I am separate from others, I am an individual that exists in this world, I can be defined by things and I have things that truly make me Feathers rather than anyone else" other than just that I experience myself.

So I don't really identify as a person or really have an identity or sense of self - but not in the "unstable sense of self" way that is discussed clinically in some disorders like BPD, but more in the "I don't operate with that as a concept, the only thing that I do have is my existence."

Riku TM and XIV 2.0 have a sense of self, a sense of definition and seperation from not only part to part but themselves and others / the world. Feathers just... doesn't.

Feathers is an experience, a concept, a shared experience of multiple parts, but they're not really a *person* because they're not exactly this independent and autonomous thing.

It's kind of hard to explain if you aren't there, but I kind of like to think of it as like... ya know, Imma still Yongey Mingur Rinpoche's analogy from the book I'm reading because its a good analogy to the simultaneous acknowledgement of a thing existing without it really being its own independent thing

But think of the concept of "space". Most of space is empty, it doesn't really exist and it doesn't exactly do much on it's own. Its a general concept of things beyond the Earth where a lot of other things exist. Stars appear, planets appear, things move and explode and fade out of existence. The stars and planets and all that are Things, but Space is more of a Concept than a Thing. Space is made up of many impermanent pieces that pop up here and there, but space in itself is this constant binding concept that ties those impermanent pieces together. Space continues to exist regardless of the more concrete and tangible yet impermanent pieces that come and go

Similarly, my parts are like stars and planets - they are Things that are defined, more tangible and impermanent; they come like waves and sometimes they are clear as day, other times they are out of my awareness. Feathers - our fused whole - is more like Space. Its constant, always present, but hardly defined by anything other than the emptiness it has and the occasionally appearing impermanent pieces that are a part of it.

Feathers exists as a thing of its own in the way space exists as a thing of its own; yes kinda? But generally speaking, there is no real good way to define where Space Begins and Ends and thus is hard to really say that Space is a Thing of its own. You can throw definitions and things that seem to be good measures of what Space Is, but most of those things are likely more impermanent things and aspects of space; just things that seem to stand out the most and stay around the longest.

But thats all really like esoteric ramblings to really just say that Feathers doesn't exactly identify as a Thing or a Person or a Self or a Part. Feathers is just an experience and an existence and it's just the mental space / sense of self (or lack there of) that we spend a lot of time in.

So if we were to define our headcount as JUST our fused self, on one hand you could say we are a System of One, but if you wanted to be most accurate to how we feel, we are honestly a System of Zero.

And I feel like we were Just Fused Like That and because of our Buddhist background, we looked at it and went "Huh, nice, thats cool and nice, I'm perfectly fine existing like this and find no need to create any limits or definitions to this experience"

We find it very freeing and peaceful to not really identify with much of anything too seriously. Feathers is Feathers and that simplicity of self is just such a simple self to live as and live in.

Can't have identity crisises if you don't have an identity in the first place /j

[rin-and-jade]

Guys, did you know that alters still and will form/split from little T's and Micro T's? Well now you do!

Whenever you are living your life, doing your day, with no recurrence of childhood trauma for a good while.. but you still seem to have new peeps? Yet you don't know why?? Fret not as i tell you some, although not an extensive list of reasons such as;

The Lil' T, things that aren't as severe as the Big OG Trauma but still enough to waver you:

Financial issues

Relationship conflicts (hostility, or inconsistent emotional support)

Having debilitating/chronic health issues (be it physical or mental)

Neglect, victim of harrasment/bullying, invalidation and etc (in mild forms, clarification on below)

The Micro T, that are capable to annoy you like a fly, though you still have a limit to these type of T's:

Working a job with high demands, or a stressful environment

Chasing a deadline (and not just this once)

Bad triggers

Involved in arguments often (aha, i know you still think about it)

Now you're asking, "what should i do then, Jade?" and because you need some prompts (tips), here you go:

Relaxation techniques: when you feel like you're going to explode (or something lit up the fuse recently) then its logical to blow the fire out before it can actually explode. Things like having a warm shower, taking care of yourself, or some time off to wind down for a moment will help.

Regulating feelings: antsy? mad? upset? or "dshsdfhgjfds"? Instead of shoving the feelings away, please let yourself feel it, acknowledge that you are currently feeling and understand why it happened, what's the cause, talk it out to someone to feel better but yelling inside or writing in the private server also works.

Outlets: If you feel like writing down isn't enough/helpful, then maybe doing art, crushing some empty cans, or going to your trusty support group will do just fine.

Therapy: got money but not people? Do yourself a favor and try it, you'll learn lots of coping mechanisms, plus you'll have support and someone to talk to so thats a big win.

Mindset: Having an accepting and self-supporting thoughts are way better than devaluing and adding extra blames and faults as it perpetuates the cycle of stress and pressure, so why not go easy on yourself from now on?

I know you might think that its not severe enough, its not bad enough, but from now one you have to think differently, no matter how big or small, it is still stress, and when stress builds up all those things happen. (to top it off with other issues such as bad internal communication and brain fog) And it make sense because the severe ones are enough to form new peeps, same goes for the tiny ones but are consistent, okay?

I personally struggle with this LOTS even if traumas from the past aren't happening again yet i still have subsystems and all, and after a good while of practicing, it now barely happens. Hope this is also helpful for you guys since the previous post about dissociation was a hit!!! Click here to see it

Edit: it came to my attention that i forgot to clarify that yes, harassment, bullying and etc as it’s own severe form and can be classified as the OG Trauma, though there are minor forms especially in bullying where it’s extents from calling names and other stuffs that aren’t as harmful in a physical form.

- j