#and that I should feel ashamed of myself
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people will be so understanding of mental illnesses/ ND until they spend more time with a person who can’t get rid of the symptoms and suddenly it’s all “I think you could fix it if you just put some alarms” “have you tried doing a todo list” “have you tried simply not thinking those intrusive thoughts” gee thanks man you know who else finds living with this shit annoying? ME.
#chia’s life#genuinely fuck off#shout out to the teacher who when told I was ND said “maybe you should drop out and let someone better take your place#legit was like some people simply don’t belong in academia#woah thanks!!!#so sorry I have ADHD woman should I just kill myself#like is that it#I wasn’t even asking for anything#just some accommodations for a completely unrelated topic#and this woman was like oh I gotta make sure she knows shes worthless#I started crying on this woman’s office and she even enjoyed it#kept berating me for not living up to the standard#and being unfair to my classmates who /did/ work hard#and that I should feel ashamed of myself#lmao#remembered this because she sent me an email going#hey it’s been a while I’m still your tutor come talk to me#and I’ll help you decide your future#ma’am you told me I was too stupid to have a future#fuck off
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heavenly sin
Pairing: RE4!Leon Kennedy x fem!reader
Word count: 3.4k
Tags/warnings: smut (pure unfiltered filth, no plot); voice kink; p-in-v sex; unprotected sex; female gendered anatomy; female masturbation; fingering; cunnilingus; established relationship; no y/n; references to Christianity and ferocity; extensive wordplay
Summary: It's been known that Leon is one kinky bastard.
A/N: Written as part of my A to Z kinks game. N is for narratophilia aka being aroused by sexual storytelling.
Tried something a little bit different to explore my knowledge of English. A wordplay of sorts (I basically threw random words together in hopes that it'd make some sense). Bon Appetit.
masterlist • navigation • faq • AO3 • ko-fi
“You enjoying yourself?” As Leon discards his gloves, casting them aside like insignificant relics, you feel the pillow crumple beneath his weight. A testament to the force of his being. The air feels sizzling hot, thick with heat and suffocating in its intensity. “If I knew my words would get you so riled up,” his other hand cups your breast, thumb circling the erected nipple and watching as goosebumps rise over the sensitive skin, “I’d do this much sooner.”
It started as a joke, a fleeting spark in the sea of banter. Leon’s flirtatious nature entwined in perfect harmony with his tender heart.
Fresh out of the shower, your heart longed for the man whose sudden departures have become routine. A standard in your life.
The sun made its final descent below the horizon, the sky painted in shades of amber and gold – the bedroom awash in a warm and inviting glow, as if every object was kissed by the sun's final rays. The light filtered through the sheer curtains, creating patterns on the floor that danced like flickering flames.
And in the midst of it all, Leon's call came through, cutting through the stillness.
The conversation began innocently. Calling to let you know he’ll be home soon. It was as though his tenderness was butterfly's wings, fluttering in your chest and making your heart skip a beat.
His sincere words slowly spilt over into something else. Something more. Something promising.
It’s now that the phone lies next to your ear, and Leon's voice, like a silk ribbon, unwinds into your consciousness, stirring a deep and primal desire within you. Building the anticipation need inside you.
“After that, I’d bent you over the table. You’d already be naked and dripping,” Leon’s voice a song of Solomon, “but I’d be far from done with you.”
A gasp, soft and quiet, escapes your parted lips. Every fibre of your body, every cell is set on fire. The setting sun casting flames over your naked skin of yours. Flesh burning. Body wrapped in a cocoon of passionate flames – your palm pressing against the sensitive nub, the pressure light as a feather. Slow, languid strokes of your fingers follow Leon’s words.
Muscles tightening as the pressure keeps adding with each sentence. Slow and steady. With a pace of a gentle stream. Dipping one finger deep inside your slick walls, only to stop when you reach fully inside.
A stream of docile moans flows from your throat.
“Just to feel you take my cock. Hear those gorgeous gasps as you beg me to give it to you,” hand gripping the messed-up sheets underneath you, squeezing tight as you add another finger, curling them upwards.
“Rough, just how you like it. Pretty sure we’d break the table,” Leon’s words are accompanied by a light chuckle, hiding much more sinister and vivid ideas inside his head.
The way his name rolls off your tongue makes him cuss. Your voice carries the weight of longing, desire, and devotion. Making Leon wish to finally be home.
“Fuck. Could spend all day between those lovely legs of yours.” Leon’s voice descends to a low murmur, tinged with raw, feral hunger.
With a touch as tender as a butterfly’s wing, thumb circling the aching nub of nerves; it ignites a wildfire of ecstasy within your body. As you lightly graze your opening, feeling the softness of your slick walls, a delicate gasp escapes your mouth, akin to a prayer of submission to this moment of pure passion and pleasure.
“Just to taste that pretty pussy of yours on my tongue.”
Leon's voice pours into the phone, rich and sinful. You hear the front door open with a soft creak, the sound echoing through your body. He's finally home, his presence filling your senses with a heady aroma of musk and lust, a tantalizing potion that you can't resist.
He gazes at you with eyes like storm clouds brewing with desire. The air is thick with the scent of sex and your yearning, hanging in the dimly lit bedroom, resembling a heavy fog. You keep your gaze locked with his, transfixed as Leon strides in, his figure outlined by the glow of light seeping in from the hallway.
You don’t stop–
–instead, your fingers delve deeper. Nails grazing the tender walls, the slight discomfort only adding to the pleasure. Like a deer caught in headlines, your eyes stay on his.
The sound of your slickness echoes in the room as you thrust in and out, unconsciously matching the rhythm of Leon's steps – left in, right out, left in, right out – a dance of carnal desire.
And just like that, he stands on the side of the bed.
Leon’s eyes gleam with a fierce intensity. A perfect blend of predatory sensuality and effortless ease. With the grace of a pather; clad in a black henley shirt, the first two buttons undone, exposing the slight curve of his clavicles. It molds to his chiseled form as though it was a second skin, making Leon exude a primal magnetism that draws you closer to your high.
Spellbound by the scene in front of him – by you; fingers deep inside, eyes glazed over with orgasmic ecstasy as your work yourself to your high.
The air is thick with the sweet scent of your desire, a heady aroma that fills his senses with an overwhelming urge to indulge in your rapture.
He steps closer, placing one knee on the bed. The mattress creaks under his weight, but his gaze never leaves yours. It's as if you're the only person in the world that matters to him right now. The heat emanating from his body is palpable, and you feel your heart race as his presence commands the room.
“You enjoying yourself?”
His tone is low. A seductive purr sends a wave of electricity through your veins. Hot like molten lava. Dripping like honey, sweet and luscious. They linger in the air, coating everything around you with a sticky warmth.
His name leaves your lips in a deep sigh. Soft walls squeeze your fingers.
As he discards his fingerless gloves, casting them aside like insignificant relics, you feel the pillow crumple beneath his weight. A testament to the force of his being. The air feels sizzling hot, thick with heat and suffocating in its intensity.
Leon’s arm flexes, the sinewy muscles bulging when put to work. Your eyes lock onto his, drinking in the raw masculinity and primal allure of his being. A contented moan escapes your lips, an instinctive reaction to the overwhelming sensuality of the moment.
“If I knew my words would get you so riled up,” his other hand cups your breast, thumb circling the erected nipple and watching as goosebumps rise over the sensitive skin, “I’d do this much sooner.”
His towering form casts a shadow over you as he leans closer. Lips so close you can almost taste the desire that emanated from him. The heat of his breath dances across your skin, making your senses swirl in a dizzying haze of lust; igniting a fire that burns with the intensity of Samson's strength.
“Wanna gimme a kiss?” he whispers, his lips almost brushing against yours. You’re still able to feel the soft graze of the plump skin atop of yours, sending a fluttering sensation to your heart.
You can't help but feel intoxicated by his voice, each word rolling off his tongue with a silky smoothness that sends shivers down your spine. It's almost like he's casting a spell, using his voice as a weapon to ensnare you in his grasp. And you willingly surrender, caught in the web of his honeyed words; like Delilah, powerless to his will, swept away by the power of his seduction.
Lips grazing his, you push your face upwards to be closer. The kiss is both gentle and fierce; a tantalizing dance of lips and tongues that leaves you breathless and wanting more. The taste of him a mix of mint and spice. You stop the movement of your wrist between your legs. Stilling, feeling the wet squeeze around your fingers, your mind becomes a blank canvas, a vast expanse of nothingness.
The taste of him lingers on your tongue as he pulls away. Thick fingers wrapping around your wrist, he nudges your fingers out of you. A displeased grunt leaves your lips at the sudden emptiness. Only to have your breath stop; watching as Leon brings your hand, fingers visibly sticky with your juices, tongue swirling around the tip of your index finger before taking two of the fingers in his mouth. It’s as if he’s tasting the forbidden fruit, savoring the flavor of your arousal like the sweetest nectar.
Feeling the wet tip of his tongue swirl around your fingers, you can’t help but let out a soft moan. The rough texture brushes over the pads of your fingers. Licking every drop of you off of your fingers, leaving them clean before he licks his own lips.
“Missed that taste.”
His eyes never leave yours, dark and intense with desire as he slowly releases your hand.
“Missed you almost that much too.”
His words wash over you like a warm embrace, seeping into your pores and settling deep within your bones. As his body moves over yours, his hands glide across the burning expanse of your skin, tracing patterns of passion that leave you breathless in anticipation. The soft touch of his lips on your navel sends ripples of pleasure through your body, each sensation building on the last until you're gasping for air.
Leon sinks to his knees at the end of the bed; his movements smooth and graceful. Years of never-ending training left him in full control of every muscle. Arms sliding underneath your knees, he holds you firmly as he grips your hips with unyielding strength.
A single tug. Confident in its prosecution. He brings you to the edge of the bed, your glistening cunt hovering in front of his face. The sight of him there, between your legs, both captivating and overwhelming.
The wet tip of his tongue peaks from within his kiss-bruised lips.
Before you know it, you’re completely undone. A mess. Leon's tongue turns your body into a temple of pleasure; his movements sinuous and calculated. With each flick and swirl of his tongue, he's coaxing you to heights of ecstasy.
His tongue traces every inch of your throbbing cunt, flicking and teasing your clit as you squirm beneath him, one hand grasping his soft hair while the other squeezes your breast. His fingers, thick and rough, plunge deep inside of you, finding all the right spots to drive you wild. Each thrust of his hand sends jolts of pleasure through your body, making you moan and writhe with need.
"Such a fucking filthy little thing," he growls against your skin, the heat of his breath making you shiver. He devours you with his mouth and hands, taking you to the brink of ecstasy and back again; fingers scissoring and pumping, working you over until you're a quivering mess of desire.
The blunt pressure of the tips of his fingers pressing mildly against your inner walls sending pinnacles of bliss across your body until you’re mewling at the sharp pleasure that ripples down your spine.
You claw at the sheets, unable to control the waves of sensation that crash over you.
And then, with a final, shuddering gasp, you let yourself go, your body convulsing in waves of pure pleasure. Ecstasy; Leon’s name a sweetened melody on the tip of your tongue.
He stands up afterwards, a towering figure before your eyes. Your aching legs fall from his shoulders onto the bed. Leon looms over you, appearing almost god-like, a divine being sent to ravage you with its passion.
Disposing of his shirt, you lay on the bed motionless, senses on high and in anticipation as you watch the man strip. With every article of clothing that comes off, Leon’s body reveals itself in all its glory. Shoulders and chest sculptured, shaped by years of intense training. Someone who’s worked hard to achieve such a physique. Rippling muscles that flex with every movement he makes. His arms thick with veins and biceps that bulge with raw strength, capable of holding you up effortlessly. You can see every ridge of his abs, each one chiseled to perfection.
“Enjoyin’ the view?” he rasps after ridding himself of the last article while you shamelessly stare at Leon’s sheer size and the strength of him.
“Very much,” you breathe out when he crawls on top of you.
His cock rests atop your stomach, heavy and pulsing with need; leaking as he marks you in his precum. Yet, neither of you moves. Unbothered, you remain locked in his gaze before his lips capture yours in a short passionate kiss. Drawn together by the irresistible pull of gravity, your lips meet in a collision of desire and longing.
Legs wrapping high around his waist, his hand leaves the side of your neck and travels the side of your body, igniting a trail of heat as it goes. Leon strokes the length of your thigh, only stopping when his fingers rest under your knee momentarily. Then you feel the blunt tip press against your aching cunt. The anticipation inside you unravels like a tightly wound spool, releasing a flood of sensations that spreads throughout your body.
“Ready?” he breathes out; his warm breath tickles your skin as his lips brush against yours once again.
The silky texture of his hair brush against your fingertips. Legs tightening around his upper body, you pull him closer to you. “Yeah.”
The pressure against your throbbing cunt intensifies as Leon presses forward. The crown of his cock splits you open with ease, enveloping him. Welcoming him eagerly in your wet heat. As if he belongs there.
Leon’s touch’s electric, sending shivers down your spine as he claims you with each bite and kiss. His teeth graze your chin, softly nibbling at the skin as he lets out a guttural grunt. Keeping one hand on the side of your neck, possessive and tender, surely to feel the rapid pulse of your jugular vein, he hooks his thumb underneath your jaw and pushes upwards.
When your head is tilted upwards enough to his satisfaction, his lips latch on the front of your neck. Small, quick bites decorate the stretched skin. Followed by a wet kiss, he sucks on the skin. Vulnerable and exposed.
Moans cascade from your lips, an ode to his cock splitting you apart slowly. A divine intrusion into your depths, filling you.
He stills when he’s buried balls deep inside of you; bottoms out in your quivering walls, slick with post-orgasmic arousal.
The feeling of fullness, of being completely filled, is almost too much to bear. Your breath hitches in your throat, body trembling with pleasure as it strains to accommodate him; to make enough space to take him in.
Your eyes flatter shut as he waits, face nuzzling into the crook of your neck while his hand cups the underside of your breast with his thumb teasing your nipple in a leisurely manner.
A moment of content falls between you. Bodies molded together; two halves of a whole.
After a few seconds, you press the sole of your feet into his skin, feeling the taunt muscle contract underneath you.
A subtle but unmistakable gesture. A wordless plea for more.
A fuck me of sorts.
Your body speaks volumes, a language he's learned to decipher. And with a low growl, he responds to your invitation. A low roll of his hips. A test of your readiness. It becomes a measured beat that tests your strength, the pressure of his cock firmly pressed against the walls of your cervix.
It has you sent into a harmonious frenzy.
Leon continues with the rhythm. Relishing in the tight squeeze of your cunt, in the way you sing for him, his name a sacred hymn on your lips. Your body responds eagerly to his touch, every nerve ending on fire as pleasure courses through you.
His hands sear a blazing trail on your burning flesh. Every touch feels as if he’s branding you, etching himself onto your skin.
The wetness of his lips causes goosebumps to raise on your skin. Moving like a reverent prayer. Worship of your body as his tongue swipes over your sensitive nipples.
Your name escapes his lips and is met with a low moan.
Tantalizing and peaceful.
Leon’s unhurried movements slowly transform into something more. Rough and hasty. Teeth nibbling at your jawline, feeling the bone underneath the skin, your nails bite into the tight muscle of his shoulder blades. Surely to leave indents that will bloom into bruises and marks. Your back arch, offering yourself up to him as you focus on meeting his thrusts.
As his hand wanders down the length of your body, his fingers dance along the curves of your waist and hips before grazing the globes of your ass; giving it a rough squeeze before wrapping his fingers under your knee and pulling away from your neck.
Meanwhile, his other hand braces his body weight by your face. Leon’s fingers entwine around your ankle. Pushing your leg up and over his shoulder, you moan over the painful stretch of your hamstring as he gazes at you.
He moves with a frenzied urgency. Lowering himself to rest on his elbows, his fingers find their way to your clit.
The way he flicks over the sensitive nub elicits a series of moans and cries from you only to be silenced by his lips crashing onto yours.
The kiss is wet and messy. Hungry. Both of you eager to take and dominate, his tongue dancing with yours in a frenzied manner.
It's like he's a man possessed, lost in the rhythm of his movements and the feel of your body beneath him. You writhe and moan, lost in a haze of sensation and desire as he takes you higher towards that ultimate release. That sweet orgasm. Every motion is a symphony, a perfect blend of power and finesse, as he explores the contours of your body with a deep hunger.
Mind becoming blurry, your senses are consumed by the raw, primal desire Leon elicits with his thrusts. Moving to brace himself better, it feels impossible when you feel the blunt pressure hit even deeper than before. Gasping, you move your hips, trying to take him as deep as possible.
The smell of sweat and sex fills the air, and you can hear the sound of skin slapping against the skin as Leon moves with increasing speed and intensity. His determination to tear you apart only grows each time your hips meet, sending bolts of electricity throughout your every cell. His thumb flicks over your clit, applying pressure and circling the aching bud until you’re quivering underneath the mass of a man above you. Inside you.
The sound of his grunts and moans blends into a symphony of pleasure, each note building up the tension within you. You feel like a volcano on the brink of eruption, bubbling with molten passion until it finally snaps. Erupts.
A tidal wave of pleasure washes over you. Sweeping you in a vortex of delight. A thousand stars explode in your mind, each one brighter than the last, painting your vision with vibrant colors. Your body convulses, spasming in rhythm with the waves of pleasure that ripple through you.
Gasps leave your lips. Desperate for air, you cling to Leon, whose thrusts never wavered. Whose fingers continue to tease your clit, now throbbing and exploding with sensitivity. His eyes lock on yours, lips parted with low moans escaping from between before you bring his face down to you, swallowing each cry of pleasure but eventually, he pulls away.
You watch as Leon’s eyes snap shut, brows furrowing in pleasure as he stills. His full length buried inside of your spasming cunt, filling you up with his cum.
Your body’s spent. Yet your mind’s still reeling from the sheer intensity as Leon remains buried inside; his breath ragged and uneven before he pulls out with measured slowness, teasing your oversensitive clit with a gentle tap. You shudder at the sensation of him trickling out of you.
“Hi.”
The simple word leaves your mouth in a breathless whisper. A mere welcome that was meant to be addressed when he first entered your home instead of now. A warmth spreads through your body, settling low in your belly as you take in the sight of him; the way his blond hair falls across his forehead, resembling a halo of an angel. Cheeks tinted in light pink and lips curved into a small smile as he looks at you.
“Hi.”
#leon kennedy#leon kennedy x reader#i feel like i should be ashamed of myself#influenced by sin#leon s kennedy x reader#leon kennedy x you#leon kennedy x y/n#leon s kennedy x y/n#resident evil 2: remake#moni writes#resident evil imagine#leon kennedy imagine#leon s kennedy imagine#resident evil 2 imagine#leon s kennedy fanfiction#leon kennedy fanfic#resident evil fanfic#smut#leon kennedy smut#resident evil 4#residentevil4remake#resident evil 4 remake
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Lol
#theres nothing quite like your mother saying Well maybe you shouldve been more careful because now your boss might think youve been flirting#with this male coworker (whom i like splendidly as a friend) and now maybe she thinks youre not trustworthy#and maybe she regrets hiring you because you said you feel like youre making a lot of mistakes this week and she might assume thats because#your head is filled with this boy.#so dont make her regret hiring you.#MA'AM I TOLD YOU I WAS ALREADY ANXIOUS BECAUSE I MADE SO MANY MISTAKES TODAY WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME ASHAMED#OF SOMETHING THAT I HONESTLY HAD NO CLUE I OUGHT TO BE ANXIOUS ABOUT AT MY FIRST NEW JOB AFTER IVE GRADUATED????#anyway going to bed i cant take this anymore LOL she said it so lightly and im like. well i never even considered#being afraid of making my boss regret hiring me somehow because of some kind of behaviour that i had no idea was sending some kind of signal#anywaysssss 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#and then she was like why are you crying?? 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀#not to be like this is partly why i didnt want to move home but confound it all why are things like this#can i not simply confide in my mother my anxieties and worriws#worries#and not also have to worry about her potentially being like Well have you considered you ARE right and it IS your fault?#idk man something something firstborn child eldest daughter can i have some room to breathe. please#also not to whine but Not my father walking in on me eating dinner at 10pm because i was holed up#in my room in a semi depressive state after so many gong shows in a work day and straight up having no appetite#but deciding my body needs the food anyway its better late than never.....walking in and then saying#you know if you eat this late you'll gain weight. SIR??????????????????#sorry to complain and rant again i simply cannot in this house and whats more am doing my best to honour my parents#but why is it so hard out here and how can they say stuff like that with a smile!!!!!!!#also i DO have an inner critic who is always like Its your fault you are the worst you should be ashamed always........why do my parents#not understand after knowing me for so long and watching me grow up#that i can make myself so ashamed of the smallest thing so easily and that what they say drives me to shame almost as easily?#ANYWAY LOL WHAT A DAY#you guys!!! i am working so hard i promise i PROMISE I am!!! it is my first full time job ever and i am working so so hard#i am doing my absolute best and no one sees it and that is FINE i just wish my parents would see that i AM trying!!#i come back home so dead every single day because i put in 120%! this is literally my first job after graduation#and my parents KNOW this has been the most exhausting taxing and soul crushing year ive had in my very short life so far
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Jack and The Beanstonks
#I'm sorry#I was watching Epic Winter and I just had to#it's so stupid#Yes I did take 5 minutes of my day to make this#But come on#Jillian's dad looks like he has MONEEEY#you cannot tell me this guy did not made a digital currency named BEANS#It's Beanstoncks bro#it genuinely feels like a pun mattel would make#eah#ever after high#jillian beanstalk#I should be ashamed of myself 😂
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Faerun's Team Rocket :
And of course :
#Yes...I'm proud of myself#Do I feel ashamed ? No...but I should#Also I want to pet Ketheric...#bg3#baldur's gate 3#fanart#my art#enver gortash#orin the red#ketheric thorm#dead three#pokemon#team rocket#artists on tumblr
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Like, I'm at the point where when I see art that I like I just recoil and feel sick. I do get pleasure from drawing still but it's all wrapped in this feeling of desperation and I just don't know what to do about that. It wasn't like this 2/3 years ago
#idk mannn -_-#I've tried going on a hiatus i tried random tricks from the internet i tried focusing on my own projects#i tried not drawing anything anymore but for college and it never sticks and I feel bad one way or the other ughhhhh#idk if i should be even saying that maybe it's stupid to even mention i feel ashamed to talk about such things anyway#but goddd#i feel like this is just THE artist experience so it's normal and whatever i just gotta push through i guess but it still sucks#and i KNOW it can be different cause it used to be different#it's not even like o think my art looks disgusting or whatever i often find myself feeling really proud for#the way some of my art looks#but it doesn't really change anything to me even though i think it should#ehhh whatever i just feel bad today about a bunch od stuff so im rambling ughhhh
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bruh we're gonna do peer reviews for the drafts of our profile research proposals in my writing class and my ass is gonna write about mcr (duh) and like. i'm wearing a black parade t-shirt in class rn. i have a danger days sticker on my laptop. the last thing i was listening to was the mad gear and missle kid ep. my computer wallpaper is that fuckass mcr themed nonbinary pride flag. it feels like i have a giant sign with blinking lights over my head that says "please talk to me about american rock band my chemical romance"
#rys.txt#i have to stop feeling ashamed for unabashedly liking things#*grabbing myself by the shoulders and shaking myself around* YOU ARE ALLOWED TO LIKE THINGS!! YOU ARE ALLOWED TO SHOW#THAT YOU LIKE THINGS!! IT IS NOT A CRIME#anyway. i feel like a caricature lmao. i am very predictable#show of hands who saw this coming. everyone's hands should be raised#mcr#my chemical romance
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Brainrot so bad that got me designing a pin for my backpack.
Have I reached the point of no return *wink wink* ?
Honestly idk if I have the balls to actually make it a pin, we’ll see.
(Also did add some “lashes” to the mask and that eyebrow to distinguish him from the musical Phantom, as I’m not directly drawing that version, or other versions, but Erik in general)
#poto#phantom of the opera#what unhealthy idea that I got#this is the first time#just today I did make many pins (from printed pictures) and was really self#self indulgent#but this is reaching the extremes of it#it’s probably normal for many artists#but#should I feel ashamed of myself?#for being so much obsessed?#doodling him makes me happy ngl even tho are usually shitty doodles#sorry for yapping on the tags
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I've been an absolute emotional wreck since last night due to my narcissist father making me feel less than human so can i..........ask for some reassurance that i'm not an absolute failure of a human being
or pictures of your cats, that would help a lot too
#its been months of dealing with his abuse and last night it left me feeling worse than ever and i am just#really exhausted and mentally broken rn#and i hate asking for reassurance because I always feel like a bother and I should just deal with shit myself until it passes#but when i say last night was bad it was bad and i feel like i am not even meant to be alive that is how that man made me feel#so i just wanna be selfish this one time#and ask for spare kindness because i could really use it right now because my feelings arent going away#no matter how hard im trying to distract myself today and i dont have the strenght to stay like this for a week or more#so yeah#gomen for rambling in the tags im just really#idfk embarrassed and ashamed i dont like asking for help i feel dumb even tho i know its not dumb but yeah#txt
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as I'm going back over my past history and items and journals and years, I come across all sorts of things, like the pencil I saved from that so-precious memory from second grade, and a pair of flip flops I've been missing for two years, and [checks notes] the modern-high-school-AU-kidnapped-by-a-serial-killer story I wrote in late high school jdfsjdfsjkjlksfd
#i can't wait to find out what red flags I didn't see in my own self back when I last read this thing in 2015 hfdhfdhjsfd#also. there's gonna be like a good sentence here and there and then CRINGE. the whole rest of everything is just me still trying to copy th#breathing pace (essentially) and ways-of-describing-things of mainstream authors like I thought I was supposed to#so this'll be somewhat painful but also god what a joy and a gift and an honor and a delight to get to hold this close to my heart#and witness it with understanding and empathy and slow reflection and care like my past younger self deserves#i'm so lucky i'm alive to be here and do this#i'm so grateful i'm headed towards welcoming back and embracing the last little girl i was that still felt a lot of things#so excited for her focus and precision and tenacity and constant curious joy and movement to be back someday#i'm afraid people won't like the me i was before rule after rule and then dangers#but my god it'll feel so good to be the fully-flowing energy machine and dance and conduit again how will I have enough bother to care?#people who are good to each others' nervous systems cumulatively feel better and better#if i'm not good for you and yours then you really truly SHOULD go elsewhere and find someone who makes YOUR self feel right and light + war#anyway now that i wrote an essay in the tags as usual [nervous laughter]#personal#add to journal#words n rhythm#WHY DID I FEEL CAPABLE OF UNDERTAKING A STORY LIKE THIS#cradling my past self gently but also BANGING my HEAD against the WALL lmao#i'm proud of myself for writing and sharing this and its creative ideas. even if i don't like it now or feel ashamed or see mistakes.#anything. it mattered that it came to me and it mattered that i explored it and it mattered that i poured myself through it to help shape i#and it mattered that I left it on the internet so that now it still exists. i'm going to honor this story no matter what current me would#objectively think about it if it was written by anyone else.#this is a gift i give myself now.#this is a lot of what I learn and learn to do#trauma evolution#mosswrites
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Instagram keeps showing me reels of someone with a handle named something like jamesmaythristtraps and like, they are truly doing gods work but I can't like or comment on these masterpieces because I know what kind of snitch of an app it is 😔
#well atleast now I have figured out how to keep myself warm in upcoming winter months#no but#how do people handle their relatives following them online#????????#pretty recently friend of a friend was like “oh what's your insta =)??”#and its like#I have four posts and one of those is mf rick astley should I be explaining myself ??#banging my head against the table like why couldn't I just get my fangirling on for bts or something#or maybe more like out of all the 80s acts why did I fall hard for the one who is memed to death#I mean okay rickrolling can be funny#and he looked goofy there#top tier Tintin cosplay#even with my attraction to James its like#I feel like I should be explaining myself because he's old#and most likely not what when people think about male celebrities people drool over ...#maybe shamed myself into thinking “I shouldn't be attracted to this” “this is abnormal so it must be wrong”#I mean tons of girlies like men like him#but then I see guys my age say things like “I should go to the gym so women would pay attention to me”#or putting weird flexing photos on their dating profiles (not even just flexing with their muscles but like cars or watches... or fish...)#like I don't care about your boring ass new volkswagen ????#and in that case it wasn't even just one photo... I don't care for new cars they all look the same :-/#it just makes me go ? am I supposed to be attracted to this ?#is this the norm??#why can't I be normal aaaa#so in conclusion#I'm deeply ashamed of my interests and attractions lol#hopefully I will someday grow out of this#all the peer support is welcomed on this post lmao
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How many times do I have to learn the lesson that I should start the story when the story starts instead of trying to tack on introductory worldbuilding?
Seriously. My instincts about when to start the story are almost never wrong. But I always assume the first scene in my imagination requires set-up that people outside of my imagination don't have. So I tack on an intro to set the mood and to set up the plot and characters and world. And it's boring. When I should have just started where I wanted to start so I could weave explanations into a scene where things are actually happening.
#adventures in writing#i decided to tackle that goose girl retelling i came up with earlier this summer#(the one that was supposed to be a simple short version of a fairy tale)#(but i got too attached to it and became paralyzed by the need to do it right)#it turned out that one big hurdle was the lack of names#so i finally just picked some and went with it#and then when it came to starting the story i thought that i needed to show how the mc feels lost and ashamed by her fall#and explain that she had a talking horse and it's dead now and all that complicated stuff#and then i remembered writing 'a day late' where i made sure the story started with the character *doing* something#which is a decent lesson but it wasn't quite enough here#the really important lesson i should have learned from 'a day late' is that you shouldn't start the story too early#i had tried a meandering scene of beatrice arriving at the castle and it was boring#and i solved the problem by starting partway through her frantic search#and then wove in the explanations about her situation#which is exactly what needs to happen with this goose girl story#i just need to start with her doing something and then weave in all the exposition bit by bit#start where i'd initially wanted to start and let the readers figure out all the backstory as i slowly reveal it#i feel like i've repeated myself five times so i'll stop talking now
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im like sincerely so sorry bc my most shameful flaw is that envy is one of my favorite characters in the entirety of fma which is like. listen it's genuinely irredeemable but she knew exactly what she was doing when she made envy the pinnacle of gender envy bc my non-binary ass is NOT immune to feeling the gender envy to the highest degree for that little freak
#mine#i feel less ashamed for being hornee abt shin tsukimi do u understand. how humiliating that is.#literally dont even perceive me this is my greatest sin ok AT LEAST IM SELF AWARE#THEY LITERALLY DO ALL THE MOST HEINOUS SHIT IN THE ENTIRE SERIES NEXT TO KIMBLEE#AND THEY /BOTH/ GET OFF ON IT TOO WHICH MAKES IT WORSE#BUT THEYRE JUST SO PAINFULLY GENDER IM TOO WEAK TO RESIST#i want their voice. i want it so bad it's so painful i hate them so much. but i also adore them. and hate myself for that#she was targeting ME SPECIFICALLY when she made them frfrfrfr#fma#i hesitate to even put this in a tag but i feel like other trans ppl will get it. right. u get it right or am i just a lonesome fool#also. js. i hate kimblee. i fucking DESPISE kimblee actually. worst piece of shit ever in the whole series.#i actually got mad bc i forgot just how long he lasts in the series. FAR TOO LONG IF U ASK ME.#& also. i. feel like. i should get points too bc envy is rly the only absolute irredeemable piece of shit i actually enjoy#bc usually. i am a sheep. & i HATE them. but. i am also a sheep. to gender envy. sooooo. unsurprising exception.#but like otherwise unless u wanna count like my man dracula from castlevania which i feel like is not comparable bc he was VALID#envy is the only villain i actually truly like. any other 'villain' i like is more... morally grey. or. understandable. u know. u get it.#anyway. dont ever perceive me for this im ashamed#& also no the irony of having the mention of jealousy/envy as a my most strict boundary & yet having the literal embodiment of envy#as one of my fav characters in my favorite anime of all time is not lost on me. i am a walking contradiction we all know this#at least they're not THE favorite. u can take a very predictable guess on who that title goes to
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shame is the self killer shame is the authenticity killer shame hides the honesty of your art and the beauty of your own individual uniqueness and voice and thoughts. without embracing the parts of you that people might think are annoying or imperfect or cringe the road to self acceptance and inner peace and lasting happiness will continue to stay that much harder
#telling myself this right now because it's true but feelings are complicated#and i currently have complicated feelings about some stuff#but i know intellectually this is true#addendum and if people tell you otherwise and that you should be ashamed of who you are#instead of recognizing your capacity and ability to be willing to grow especially when you are#then you still don't have to change yourself. you don't have to be someone for others to not think of as shameful#who cares what other people think as long as you know and have confidence in yourself#this is why I say that really knowing and understanding yourself and the person you want to be is the primary step of unlearning shame#because it absolves the chronic shame but also is a reminder when you do feel that guilt again#that if you know who you are and do what you feel is right and stand by your own humanity and decision making#then that's all you really need. you don't need approval from others even if they try to make you feel otherwise#because i think we're here to be ourselves and connect with others in a way we can see their authentic selves#while being our own authentic selves. allow ourselves to grow together because we want to#not because of the intrinsically imperfect and black and white methodology of judgment and expectation#shame is ingrained in a lot of people because we grew up seeking the approval of those around us including our peers#whether it manifests in bullying or overly critical adult figures or anything else#a lot of us are taught from a young age to act and become someone in order to not face that abuse again#but as we grow into adulthood we're straddled with this feeling in an adult world that is always changing and doesn't always treat ppl#like this. so then it becomes that the biggest arbiter of shame in our lives is ourselves and that fear of perception and judgment#when in reality it is much simpler and more fulfilling to not mind that judgment and just accept yourself for who you are#regardless of what other ppl may think of you
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I’m talking about this all the time and I don’t think I’ll ever stop
27. Hope
The most important thing for me
That still saves me.
Hope for today.
#30 days of feelings#art#illustration#digital illustration#sometimes think of myself in my best state#and how they would react to me right now#in the age about eleven I did a lil deal with myself#I should never be ashamed of my future self#and never be ashamed of my past self too#we should stay proud and caring for each other no matter what#even if I don’t know me in the future at all and know me in the past too much#I should always have someone who I can trust and not be afraid of#and if it is me that counts
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I think I got possibly the absolute worst outcome for the tribunal you could possibly get and then slept from 12pm to 7pm
#SEVEN FUCKING PEOPLE DEAD#jesus christ#i dont think it couldve gone worse#im googling two seconds#yep jesus christ the only possible death i didnt get was kourtenar and i dont think i wouldve given a shit if he died#what the hell hiw did i fuck it up so unbelievably fucking bad#i failed some checks i really fucking shouldnt have#jesus this is what i get for being bad at murder mysteries#motherfucker#i actually feel genuinely really awful like sick to my stomach#my teeth started chattering during it i was so hopped up and stresssssed#fuck im tempted to cheese it to try get a better outcome but shit man i dont think i personally could#i have no idea how i could have fixed any of it i fucked up before i even walked into it#god what the fuck#im like genuinely embarrassed and kind of ashamed?#someone said you have to let shanky run how do you do that i genuinely do not remember a decision like that#fuckin cheesecloth brain fucking hell#couldnt have gone worse if ibfuckin tried#motherfucking disco elysium#this is so embarrassing admitting this#the power of friendship DID in fact fail me#well now i have to play the game and not fuck up like an idiot#god i feel so terrible how did i screw things uo so much#admittedly maybe i should be nicer to myself considering i'd maybe gotten 3 hours of sleep yesterday and had been awake for nearly 24 hours#(ive been sleeping weird dont worry about it)#but man i dont think i couldve made it go much better but even 6 deaths is better than 7#sprry for the long tags i am just miserable#i also think im sick? maybe a covid test in my future
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