#and tbh that matches my symptoms so...

[whelpimnauthuman]

I had testing yesterday and I am. So tired. Send help

[castielsprostate]

x

[autisticsupervillain]

Autistic Avatars not realizing that they're Avatars because they're just "like that": a thread

The Eye

Special Interest in the supernatural = constant food for The Watcher

You know about Interest? TELL ME EVERYTHING

"Hey man listen to me infodump about this horrifying ghost story I read for twenty minutes, alright?"

I need to Know everything about something before I partake in it.

"How did I Know that? Eh, I probably hyperfixated on it at some point."

I cannot be misunderstood so I'll beam the facts into your brain.

The Web

I must plan everything 200 steps in advance before doing anything.

I have prepared for all possible outcomes, I can now have this one conversation.

If I set up all these variables long in advance, then I can do everything correctly and Win the social interaction.

I cannot do anything before The Plan says to.

"I practice my social skills by talking to my spider friends." -Martin "Autism" Blackwood

The Stranger

I cannot socialize without being Uncanny.

If my socialization seems like an act, that's because it is. I practice it in the mirror every day.

Theater Kid

How do you Normal Human?

The Anatomy Class.

Assuming fellow Stranger Avatars also just have the 'Tism. They're not trying to be creepy, honest.

Can't do faces. Doesn't notice when you get replaced.

Being subtly off is too subtle for me.

The Lonely

"I have failed the social interaction. Let the fog reclaim me."

Talking to people is draining my batteries even faster than ever. I need to be alone for approximately 384,400,000 years.

Nothing can overstimulate me in the cool, blinding fog.

Nothing unpredictable can happen in the fog.

The fog is your friend.

The known connection between autism and depression feeds the fog.

The Dark

Why is the sun so god damn bright? I'm going to blow it up I swear.

Night Owl.

Everything's decently quite at night and people leave you alone.

Same overstimulation preventatives as the Lonely tbh. Dark and fog are good concealers.

The dawn is your enemy.

The dread florescent lights shall never bother me again. They break upon my arrival.

Can and will infodump to the monster under my bed. Even now it feels like it listens.

The Spiral

Autism makes getting other mental illnesses recognized hard.

Autism dissociation from body and mind. When did it become 3 AM and why do I hurt? Why am I grumpy? What vital self care task did I forget?

Literal mind doesn't often match reality. Reality is specifically unspecific.

Spaced out and wandered off. Where the fuck am I?

I'm not a mental baby, please stop treating me like it.

I'm not inherently dangerous, please stop treating me like it.

Memory problems my beloathed. Did that happen? I dunno.

What Is Time?

What Is Me?

The Gender

Why do things only make sense to me? What does no one else make sense?

The Flesh

Autism Genderfuckery = Flesh fueled dysphoria.

Meat is the only texture that's palatable. Especially the Mystery Meat.

Will never try any other foods. Too picky.

Infodumps about the horrors of meat processing at dinner and ruins the meal for everyone. More steak for me.

Hates PETA.

Double the arms means double the stim. You weren't using them, right?

Working out is a great stim.

The Corruption

Practices social interaction with the bugs who live in my walls.

"Insects are disgusting. I love them!"

Will protect endangered insects by any means necessary.

According to all known laws of aviation-

Relationship boundaries struggles.

Difficulty noticing sickness symptoms.

Is that nausea or am I overstimulated? *Accidentally causes supernatural plague outbreak*

Difficulty getting diseases diagnosed because of both Autism and noticing too many symptoms so the doctors assume they're faking.

Forgot vital hygiene needs.

The Bugs Are My Friends! They keep me company when I'm sick!

The Buried

Weighted blankets are insufficient, I need the Earth to reclaim me.

Avoid social interaction by tunneling everywhere like a mole.

101 facts about worms.

Forgor hygiene again. Time to become dirt.

Digging a hole is good stimming.

That guy who had to be buried alive to sleep properly. What do you mean you don't want to be buried?

The End

Aradia Megido from Homestuck.Com

That's it, that's the list.

The Desolation

The Autism Temper.

Losing relationships and friendships to ableism and your own disability constantly.

The Fire is a wonderful stim board. Watch it crinkle.

Just watching candles melt for hours.

The fire and thrill gives my life passion again.

Jude Perry.png

The Vast

Accidentally terrifying people by infodumping about the horrors of nature.

The stimulus of falling.

Nature/Space/Weather Documentary on in background always.

Okay, but from how high did you fall? I want to calculate your velocity as you fell through the void.

Weirdly enough... power scaling?

Power scaling is just the art of determining how easily your favorite characters can destroy mankind so... yeah, I can see it.

Brain empty, only terminal velocity.

The Hunt

Cat Autism

The inherent hyperfocus of the hunt. The chase. Your prey.

Studying the habits of your latest hyperfixation/Hunt assigned prey for days at a time.

I've spent so much time hunting in the woods that I forgot about human society. The Missing Person's Bureau have written you off for dead.

Returning to society to sell your wears and realizing you aren't human anymore.

That's okay. Social interaction is random. The Hunt makes sense.

It's black and white. Predator and prey. Humans hunting monsters. It Makes Sense.

The Slaughter

The incredible human WW1 documentary.

"Did you know?" *Describes horrible historic warcrime*

Takes apart puts back together guns from their collection.

The list of known casualties from this war is incomplete. With my help, they can expand it. :)

The Extinction

The world is spiraling towards its end and only you seem to care.

It hurts to be this passionate about a lost cause.

You Will Make Them Care.

[skatingbi]

Yo we out here with some more Ace lives AU but i'll make them little bullet points so I dont have to write a whole essay. Enjoy my little headcanons!

Warning: Theres. So many. Im not sorry tho lmao

Ace joins the strawhats after the time skip, nobody really minds and theyre happy to spend time with luffy's older brother. He quickly becomes best friends with Nami. I just feel it in my soul that they would gossip together.

Both Ace and Luffy suffer from awful PTSD symptoms after Marineford. With Luffy, his crew eventually learn how to help him. With Ace, though, he only has Luffy to lean on for support until the crew get aquanted with him.

Actually, to add onto that bc im a sucker for acesan, Sanji is the first after Luffy to reach out during one of his bad days when even really small triggers can make Ace spiral into a panic attack.

More acesan sorry lmao. Ace is usually either out on the figure head of the sunny looking at the ocean when Luffy isnt occupying that spot, in the gallery when Sanji is working, or just out on the deck laying on the grass. He especially likes being around sanji in the gallery.

Pre timeskip Ace is extremely different than this AU's Ace because yes he's silly and carries an air of confidence with him still, but he's never shirtless around others anymore. For a long while, Ace doesnt leave the ship or pick fights. His confidence is a facade for a long time.

Depression hits ace like a truck in this AU and its only eased with the help of Luffy and Sanji. Chopper also helps the best he can with what he's got. Ace is grateful for this, and eventually his old self starts to emerge more and more. Luffy is there with him the entire time.

Ace has insomnia, but so does Sanji and Zoro. He'll hang out with them during late night hours either on watch with zoro sharing stories or with Sanji talking to him while he's doing prep work or inventory. He'll probably also fend off luffy when his little brother tries to break into the locked fridge lmao

But more funny headcanons!! Im getting depressing here sorry!! Ace will mess around with Luffy and entertain him before meal times by play fighting. Their asses will be duking it out on the deck and Chopper will be all concerned and Zoro and Nami will be like "Siblings." Like thats the most obvious answer in the world.

Tbh, the crew members with any type of sibling or sibling bond will get it. Luffy will deadass try to steal Ace's food and Ace will smack his hand lightly with haki and Luffy will dramatically exclaim how mean his big brother is.

"Ace is so mean! I'll starve to death!" "Yeah, sure, you little menace"

Ace regaining strength over his devil fruit powers by making little shapes out of fire for chopper, luffy, and usopp. Franky and brook join the group to give ace prompts. It becomes a nightly occurance at this point.

The first time he decides to go shirtless in front of the crew, they realize his old tattoo is replaced by scar tissue that covers nearly his entire back. Nobody says anything, but I think Franky and Nami would be really understanding. Also luffy. Luffy would be like "We match! Ace has a cool scar like I do!" and it reassures him but also breaks his heart simultaneously.

Ace eating nearly as much as luffy and Sanji being like "Are you sure youre not blood related? Because youre both gonna run my kitchen dry"

Ace not really having a defined role in the crew and them not really minding it. Ace floats around basically. It kind of fits him more that way since he knows a bit of everything. He'll look at maps with nami to chart a course to the next island, He'll fight alongside zoro and sanji, he'll tell usopp about different ways to use combustion and heat in weapons or ammo, etc.

Ace and nami using the power of their good looks to scam people lmao and ace being able to swindle men and women. Nami is impressed and also jealous.

Luffy growing his hair out so him and Ace match, but luffy apparently has curlier hair than Ace so its just a fluffy mess until usopp caves and teaches them how to actually take care of their hair (luffy does not absorb a single thing and ace now has to help luffy with his hair when it gets as long as his)

Ace noticing one day how zoro looks at luffy and being like "yikes...you got it bad, man" and zoro just being like "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP-" but ace is fucking cackling and now zoro cant be too mad about that. He's still embaressed as fuck about it though.

Expanding on that actually: Ace actually being supportive because he knows how loyal zoro is. He isnt worried. Plus, Luffy is extremely strong and it takes a lot to actually hurt him. So he's like "dude you gotta just tell him straight up he is dense as hell"

Ace the ultimate wingman for zoro. Not luffy, though. That's what Nami is there for. Him an nami are definitely working together and placing bets on when and who asks who out with robin, usopp, sanji, and franky. I wont say what they chose for their bet but robin definitely wins.

BUT luffy, nami, zoro, robin, usopp and franky place bets on Ace and Sanji. Ace is never subtle. He flirts openly and is proud of it. Sanji is very subtle with ace, though. The crew immediately see past his bullshit of trying to be straight. Its painful to watch. Poor sanji is trying so hard to remain closeted but the closet is literally glass. I wont say who betted what as per my last bullet point, but surprisingly zoro won. Everyone (nami) is outraged by this incident. Luffy is here for a good time.

The crew playing card games except they learn sometimes ace cannot handle flammable objects because he will burn them accidentally. Competitive card games are now banned if ace is playing.

Ace is also banned from using his devil fruit powers while sparring on the deck. The poor grass on there has been burned so many times. Nami has kicked his ass over it.

Ace and zoro get really competitive. Not like zoro and sanji, but they'll spar without weapons and at least one of them will leave with a busted lip or eyebrow and a lecture from chopper. Theyre chill though they just forget to hold back on their punches. Ace one time used haki and had to help franky fix the deck afterwards.

[horsefigureoftheday]

Quick q, sorry if its been asked before: what is otherheartedness? Hearttypes? I see that you make a delineation between those terms and like, otherkin (which tbh I am not and only have limited understanding of anyway) /gen

Otherheartedness is a bit of a vague term, for historical reasons (explained in part 1 of this essay). In short, otherkinity is when you identify as something, and otherheartedness is when you identify with something.

When you're otherkind you have a strong internal sense that you are/oughta be of another kind than humankind. Maybe you feel bodily or social dysphoria, maybe you have instincts or urges that don't match the humans around you, maybe you keep getting flashes of another life in another world. There are a lot of different 'symptoms' or traits that lead people to the otherkind community.

Otherheartedness is more of a strong connection to something than the feeling that you are the thing. Your hearttype may feel like family to you, you may feel like your life is incomplete without your hearttype by your side, or it may simply be a source of intense comfort. Whatever it is, it's something that's inextricable from who you are, as a person, without actually being what you are. I would not be who I am without my love of unicorns. They're my muse, and have been ever since I was a kid.

I believe there's a lot of wiggle room between identities. What might make someone conclude that they're otherkind might make another person conclude that they're otherhearted and might just be a regular old 'favorite animal' for yet another person. If you gave my experiences to someone else they might be unicornkind instead of unicornhearted, or they may just like unicorns a great deal.

I don't have a lot of writings on otherheartedness, but I once wrote this description of my experience identifying as a bison vs human. Maybe it'll clear things up (or maybe it'll make things more confusing, who knows). It's quite long so I'll put it under a cut. The full essay is available here.

Though I’ve settled in my identity as a bison, and I’m comfortable referring to myself as a bison, I never quit reinforcing [my identity]. While I didn’t create the original bison-like feelings, I’m very conscious of the fact that I do choose to connect every trait to my bisonhood that I can. Whether I see the traits as a cause of my current bisonhood, or a result of it, things like being stubborn, preferring physical fights over verbal ones, and even liking the taste of those Beanboozled jellybeans that are supposed to taste like grass… all these traits, that any human could have, are things I connect to my identity as a bison.

I’ve experienced some pushback towards this idea from a few therian communities. A very common rebuttal I’ve run into in introduction threads [with regards to] considering these kinds of traits part of your nonhuman identity is: “Isn’t that just a regular human thing?”

I have so many problems with that question, I’m honestly not sure where to even begin. Yes, those traits are experienced by humans all the time. I think some of the only experiences in the community that regular humans don’t experience are, perhaps, species dysphoria and shifting. But if your identity began and ended with having dysphoria and experiencing shifts, it would hardly qualify as an identity. Treating an identity like just the sum of its parts, rather than a whole and complicated construct, is reductive and it doesn’t just hinder discussion, it stifles discussions.

I don’t know, maybe I’m the odd one here, but my whole nonhuman identity can not be encompassed by my horn dysphoria or the fact that I sometimes feel more like a prey animal than an apex predator. My identity is so much more than that. It’s how I view the world and how I view myself in relation to the world. It’s how I react to things, what I like and dislike, and what I want out of my life. When you envision an identity in this way, as a way to describe who you are, rather than a summary of every individual thing you experience, you absolutely will see some overlap with humans, like it or not.

[just-some-random-blogger]

Duck, Duck, Pitbull

Joel Miller x Winchester!Reader

Summary: You and your brothers picked up two hitch hikers near your compound in Jackson. This follows the important scenes between a Miller and a Winchester.

Word Count: 11k+

Warnings: Fem!reader, i do an abrupt pov shift once, SPN x The Last of Us crossover, age gap ≥10 years, big bro!Winchesters, mentions/depictions of violence, smut (hair pulling, dom/sub dynamic?, vaginal penetration, praise kink, rough sex), mentions/depictions of pregnancy/miscarriage symptoms, slow burn, angst, fluff, typos, etc.

A/N: the smut is after the 👹, so you can skip it but i still think MINORS DNI honestly i wanted to just add a brother named dean but then i was like ah what the hell let's put THE Dean™ so i did lol. rekindling the superwholock girlie though i never made it too far in supernatural. Tbh it doesn't warp the plot too much though. Tagging: @pinksirensong @aralezinspace @sloanexx @igotanidea @multifandom-fangirl4 have since cross posted on ao3

The sound of a gun's safety being unhinged was what made Joel freeze. He clenches his jaw and feels something poke the back of his head, undoubtedly a gun.

"Hands up," a deep voice calls behind him, "turn around. Slowly."

Joel thinks of Ellie as he raises his hands. Told that damned kid not to wander far. He sighs and hears the sound of his boots crunch the icy snow, melted by the entrance of this abandoned shed.

When he turns around, he sees four people, one of them was holding the gun to his face, and two of them had a hand on Ellie's shoulder.

The woman behind Ellie grins, "I told you he was hot."

Ellie and the man beside her makes a disgusted face and sound.

"Shut up," the man holding a gun to Joel's face barks to his side. He turns back to Joel and sighs, "I'm going to ask you questions, and if your response matches with the information your little girl gave us, we're not going to have any problems."

"And what if they don't," Joel quips back, eyes dark, lips pursed tightly.

"Well, then I assume one of you is lying to me, and that means you can't be trusted," he quips back.

Joel's eyes dart to Ellie.

"Hey, hey, look at me," the man blocks his vision, "what's your name?"

He huffs, "Joel."

"What's her name?"

"Ellie."

"Where are you two going?"

"North."

"Why?"

"I'm looking for my brother."

"What's your brother's name?"

Joel clenches his jaw, "Tommy."

"Is she your daughter?"

"No."

"Who is she then?"

Joel presses his lips together.

"Dean, that's enough," the woman cuts in.

"Don't interrupt me, kid," Dean barks back. He motions with his gun, "well, who is she."

"Cargo," Joel mutters.

Dean tilts his head and purses his lips. He drops his gun and puts it away, "what's your last name?"

Joel hesitates as he watches the two people with Ellie take their hands off her, the woman urging her to walk over to Joel. Ellie does so in a manner that seems somehow reluctant. Only when Joel has his hand on Ellie's arm does he reply to the man that was walking over to the others, "Miller."

Dean makes a fist and grunts victoriously. He turns to the man, "I fucking told you he's Joel Miller."

The taller of the three rolls his eyes and pulls out something from the back of his pocket and gives it to Dean. Joel's attention is averted when the woman pushes past between the two and waves at him, introducing herself with a soft smile. She points her thumb to one side, "this is my brother Dean," then the other, "and Sam. We're the Winchesters."

Joel furrows his brows, almost tempted to say he didn't give a fuck.

Her smile brightens, "just throwing that out there since we know your first and last names and all."

"Also, we know where your brother is," Sam says.

Dean casually walks off. Sam watches as he does so then turns back to his sister. She turns to him then to Joel, "wanna come with us? It would be stupid not to really, since we'll wind up at the same place anyway."

Sam gives Joel and Ellie a look before following after his brother.

Ellie turns to Joel and nudges him. Joel looks down at her, then back to the woman, "describe Tommy to me."

A loud voice calls out her name.

She huffs, "uh... lemme see. Dark hair, tanned skin, uh, uh--

The call is repeated, but much angrier this time.

"No time. But- oh- he does have a mustache like yours!" She waves her hands, "I really can't wait any longer. What do you say?"

Ellie nudges Joel sharper this time.

Joel grunts at the contact.

She sighs and turns to Ellie, saying goodbye when her name is called out like a battle cry, running off for her brothers.

"DUDE!" Ellie barks, turning to Joel.

Joel sighs, shaking his head, "wait!"

❄❄❄❄🦆❄❄❄❄

"Huh," I scoff, leaning at the side of the car, "I never thought I'd have my brother as competition." I smile to myself as I look past the open hood to see none other than a focused Joel, hands covered in motor oil, towel over his shoulder, brows furrowed with purpose.

He ignores me as I continue my teasing, "when did you and him become besties?"

"I'm just helping him with his car."

I roll my eyes as I walk back and eye the obsolete Impala my eldest brother was hellbent on reviving. I cross my arms and chuckle as I watch Joel dig his hands, armed with a hefty tool, deeper into the engine, lips curling at the action, "you do know Baby is off limits. He doesn't want anyone touching her, much less fixing her."

Joel eyes me before turning back to his work, "you seem affectionate over it too."

I laugh and shake my head. I shrug, "well I mean, it was our dad's." I walk near him, rubbing the outside of the car Dean spent tireless nights to achieve its sheen, "he passed before the world turned to fungus, so it was special then, and twice as special now." I put my hands behind my back, "reminds all of us of a time when things were..." I drag out and hum.

"Normal." Joel finishes for me.

"Less fungus-y," I correct, "my family's never been normal."

He grunts as he struggles against whatever he was doing.

"Plus, it keeps Dean sane. S'much as he can be."

"Well, I wouldn't worry about him getting bored," he sighs, propping the wrench back on the wheeled toolbox, and grabs his towel, wiping his hands on it. Joel turns to me, "he's got his work cut out for him."

I lick my lips and nibble at it as I smile at the gruff cutie. Joel turns back to Baby and sniffles.

"Tell me, cowboy," I tilt my head as shove my hands in my back pockets, "if you're not besties with my brother, then why are you helping him?"

He finishes wiping his hands when he turns back and says, "he promised me pie."

I pull my head back before I break into a loud cackle. I throw my head back and grip my ribs, "you say that," I sigh, leaning into him, grabbing his arm, "as if that's helping your case."

Joel eyes me as I catch my breath, "you do know that I baked the pie with him cause he," I raise a finger, "AND I QUOTE 'wants to prove to Miller that Winchester's pie is where it's at'. You do know that means you and him have been taking about pie, right? No one just talks about pie."

"What? Am I incapable of small talk?" Joel counters.

My eyes go wide, "yes! Why would either of you even atte-" I grunt, cutting myself off to prove a point. I purse my lips as I place my hands on my hips, "DEEEAN!"

Joel throws his towel back over his shoulder.

I tap my foot as I wait for a response. I get none.

I scream out again anyway, "JOEL SAID THAT HE CAN'T STAY FOR PIE CAUSE SOMETHING CAME UP."

Immediately there is a bustle behind the screen door to the garage, "aw, what?"

Joel and I turn to Dean as he comes out with two plates of pie with a grin. He hands one of them to Joel as he makes a face, "come on, man. You can stay for a slice."

I watch as Joel is urged with the plate. I hold back a laugh as I do so, then mask it by clearing my throat and getting the other plate from Dean. Immediately, he clicks his tongue and raises the plate over his head, scowling at me, "nuh-uh, this is mine," he motions to the door, "get your own plate."

I roll my eyes as grab the one meant for his bestie before Joel can. Dean hisses when I do so and I rush behind Joel as I take a bite. I swirl my fork in the whipped cream he added in the serving, "damn, Dean. Joel is mine. Stop trying to seduce him."

Dean gives me a face.

I lick my lips and push Joel from behind, "he has to wash his hands anyway. Can't let my man get poisoned."

Joel repels my push slightly, so I roll my eyes and grab his arm, dragging him inside. He eventually relents against my strength, tired to fight back at this point I think.

"He's not your plaything, assbutt!" Dean growls, as he follows us.

"Unfortunately," I mutter, turning over my shoulder, smirking at Joel before whispering, "but I'm trying to be."

I stop in my tracks before we reach the kitchen as someone calls my name. I turn and see it's Sam, holding a paper bag of what I assumed to be produce.

He eyes Joel hotly as he mutters out, "Miller."

Joel sucks in a breath and nods, "Winchester."

Sam begins to eye my grip on Joel. The latter then instinctively pulls me off. I give him a pout for it and eye Sam in retrebution.

Dean, at this point, walks in and notices the sasquatch, "oh, hey, Sammy," he stuffs a bite of pie in his face, "put that down over there."

I huff and turn to Joel, giving him a smile, "I'll get you a slice, go wash your hands."

I walk off, past Sam, who was still eyeing Joel, and grab a plate and fork to get a slice of pie, "you want one, Samsquash?"

"No," Sam blurts, eyes still on Joel, "I gotta get back," he pulls his head back and finally moves to set the paper bag down, "Eileen's making stew. Can't stay long."

I perk up at the sound of that, "oooh, is that what she's taking to the potlock?"

Sam smiles at me, "yep. What a' you bringing? Pie?"

Dean takes the plate of pie I sliced up for Joel and hands it to him himself. Joel, who was wiping his hands on the towel hung by the fridge, says a soft thanks.

I eye Dean but then turn to Joel with a smile.

The former points to the latter, "yeah. I couldn't stand the fact Joel said that lady Donna's pecan pie was the best he'd had in a long time."

Sam rolls his eyes and crosses his arms as Joel walks over to me, leaning on the counter same as I. Sam mumbles, "not everyone has access to pie in the apocalypse, Dean."

Sam then turns to Dean with an annoyed look as the eldest Winchester points a finger, "well, he lives here now, and in these parts, there's a hierarchy." He snaps his fingers and points at Joel, who I had been watching the entire time as he began to eat.

I give an expectant look, "good right?"

Joel turns to me, sighing as he takes another munch. He speaks with a full mouth, "really good."

I chuckle as Dean claps his hands before stretching it out, "and at the top: Winchester Apple Pie."

I snort as I turn to Dean.

Sam shakes his head as he withholds a grin, "right."

Dean glares at Sam, waving his hands, "I'm always right. Your point?"

"I'm leaving," Sam nods. He turns to me, ruffling up my hair, "later, kid."

I exaggeratedly grunt and shove him off, "later, loser."

Sam's amused expression flattens when he turns to Joel. He gives a wordless nod and Joel nods back.

❄❄❄❄🦆❄❄❄❄

"You fucker!" Ellie gasps as she breaks into a laugh.

I narrowed my eyes as I faux examined the surroundings, elbow propped on the sheep fence as I leaned my back on it. I pretend to only just hear Ellie. I give her a look, "you talking to me, punk?"

She snarls through a grin, "yeah, old lady!" Ellie bends down and bunches up snow in her hand, "you're the only one stupid enough to pick a fight with me!"

I raise my hands as she laughs and chucks snow to my face. I easily dodge her attack and whip my hair back, "wow, you call that a fight?"

Ellie groans, "oh, it's soooo on now!"

"Pssh," I eye her as I quickly bunch up snow, "I thought we were already fighting?"

One snowball thrown after another, it doesn't take long for me to yield to Ellie, allowing her the victory, which is all part of my mastermind scheme.

She giggles as she makes it over to me, lying down next to me on the snow I had dramatically fallen onto. I grunt and pant as Ellie plops down on the snow, "since this is the end, tell Joel I think he has a nice butt."

She giggles, "ew! Tell him yourself."

I grab snow and sprinkle it on her face, "I've been trying, Ellie."

She grunts and wipes her face, "well obviously not hard enough!"

I huff and push myself up on my elbows. I look down at Ellie as she purses her lips into a smile, "okay. What do you want me to do?"

She reaches out to me and I pull her up until she was sat down. I brush the snow off her and fix her beanie, "well. I got this dress-"

Ellie squeals out in giggles, "In October?"

"You didn't even know it was October," I growl, "and you didn't let me finish!" I shove her with my shoulder.

She laughs and brushes her hands off, "alright, alright... you got this dress."

I sigh and curl my legs into my chest, "It's more accurately an oversized sweater that I'm thinking to fashion with a belt or something..." I turn to Ellie wrapping my arms around my legs, "I was thinking you'd... ya know... help me get ready though."

Ellie perks up, "you want me to help you get ready?"

I playfully roll my eyes at her, "duhhh, Eileen is too busy for girl talk since he has my smelly brother and smelly nephew keeping her busy. Plus, she's pregnant, so."

Ellie throws her head back in laughter. I break into a chuckle and move to stand up, "and I mean that affectionately for Danny; he really just has some stinky farts. It's not his fault."

She stands up and dusts off the snow on her pants, "I'm in."

I smile at her, pulling her into a side hug, "my girl."

❄❄❄❄🦆❄❄❄❄

"Sooooo," Ellie trails off as she waddles next to Joel who was isolated at the end of the bar, "notice anything different with," she leans back on the bar top, tilting her head to Joel, wiggling her brows, "your favorite Winchester?"

Joel downs his bourbon and sets his glass on the coaster.

Ellie waits for him to react but then turns and props her elbow on the surface, clarifying who she meant.

"I know who you meant," he grunts.

"Well," she shrugs, "you and Dean have been getting close."

Joel eyes her.

"Hey!" she raises her hands, "you go to their house to fix his car, even though you say it'll take a miracle to make it work."

Joel licks his fang and swivels on his stool, averting his gaze elsewhere. He really didn't mean to see what he did.

Ellie catches it to, groaning in annoyance, "aw what! Not him again," she grunts, patting Joel's arm, "go do something."

Joel watches as the man laughs and leans close. Ellie cringes, "he's been trying to get her all attention all night," he turns to Joel, "cause she looks really cute in that dress, and you didn't even compliment her when I gave you an opening."

Joel's nostrils flare as he turns to Ellie, "you tend not to want to compliment someone when pinched on the side and threatened to do so."

She grumbles the way she did under her breath at that very moment Joel was referencing, "that's because you're an idiot with 0 game!"

He straightens up, "look," he snaps, "whatever it is you're doing, you need to stop."

Ellie glares daggers, "I don't understand your deal, Joel," she raises her voice, shifting in her spot to turn to him, "you don't like her?"

Joel turns from Ellie, off to the side, finding Sam stepped in and had now successfully scared of the guy that was making moves on his sister. He watches as Sam rolls his eyes at something that was said.

Joel turns back to Ellie, lips pursed. He doesn't respond.

"Then I honestly don't understand what your deal is," Ellie shakes her head, "she's made it crystal fucking clear that she likes you too."

"Ellie-"

"You're being such a wimp about it."

"It's not that simple."

Ellie makes a face, "it kinda is though," she raises a hand, "just go up to her and say 'wanna bang'-"

Joel groans.

"I guarantee-" Ellie hops in her eagerness, "GUARANTEE, that she will say yes."

"You need to hang out with people your age."

"Then make-" clap, "friends-" clap- "my-" clap, "age!"

Joel wipes his face. He doesn't get to respond as Ellie grabs his bicep. She hisses as he pulls him close, "she's on the move. I'm bringing her over. Don't fuck up."

Joel had little say in any of it. Soon enough Ellie came back with a look of vengeance on her face.

I purse my lips into a smile, "you wanted to talk to me Joel?"

Ellie answers for him, "yeah, he wanted to compliment your pie."

She shoves me next to Joel and I give her a look for her unnecessary manhandling. I watch as she gestures to Joel, pointing to fingers to her eyes before pointing them back and forth her and her dad.

I snort, kid is going overboard. I reach out and pinch her cheek, "I got it, baby doll. Go pick a fight with someone else."

"Oh-ho I will," Ellie says, gripping her fist, "Elijah and I are gonna have a rematch and I'm going to smother him in snow."

I chuckle, "yeah, you go do that."

Ellie walks off after that, muttering something under her breath about annihilation.

When I turn to the bar, I am surprised to see Joel reached out for a glass and is now pouring me a drink. He slides it over to me, chilled with ice, propped on a coaster and all and gives himself a refil.

I smile softly and take the cup, "thank you."

He grunts in response.

I take a sip of the drink. I catch him when he looks at me, and how he quickly looks away. He inhales sharply then takes a quick sip of his drink. We put our glasses down at the same time.

"So... that man that talked to you," Joel starts.

I raise my brows and cringe, "you mean that kid," I lean on my elbows, "darling just turned 19 and is ready to mate with anything within eye's view."

Joel can't help but chuckle.

I chuckle right back, leaning my head in my hand, "oh, you find that funny?"

Joel turns from his drink to me, shrugging as the tiniest of smiles laces his lips.

I shake my head, "he was persistent though. Convinced he could change my mind until Samsquash snarled at him," I chuckle lowly, "I'd say I feel bad, but somehow, though he's grown in the apocalypse, there's still a part of him that smells like the dudes that used to hit on me when I was younger. Full of themselves and entitled."

"I saw," Joel says, swirling his cup, "shudda snarled at him yourself. R' scarier than your brother."

I break into a giddy laugh. Joel turns to me then looks out the window past me, seeing that it was beginning to snow outside.

"I'm flattered," I say, straightening up, "twice over to know that you've been watching me."

Joel stills. He darts his eyes over to me. The grin on my lips widen.

Sam grunts at the sight of what was going on at the bar. That, and because his son, sat on his shoulders, was pulling his hair. He mutters lowly, "I don't like it."

Eileen, who was busy fixing the food with Maria and two other volunteers, eyes her husband and looks over her shoulder, spotting what was making Sam's blood boil so much. She sighs, "well, I'm happy to inform you it has nothing to do with you."

Sam turns to Eileen as he shakes his shoulders up for the entertainment of the kid on him, "you're kidding."

Eileen averts her attention to the coleslaw she was fixing, then to Sam, "what? You wanna be their third? That's weird as hell."

Sam grunts as Danny giggles and wraps his arms around his head, "higher, daddy! Higher!"

Sam adjusts his grip on his son's leg and clutches the side of his belly as he makes him bounce on his shoulder.

"Giddy up, horsey!" Dean blurts as he makes his way over to the buffet table, winding his hands up in the air. He lets out an airy sound and smirks at his baby bro, "woooow, fatherhood has made you it's b-" he cuts himself off, just as Sam eyes him. Dean corrects himself, "female dog."

Eileen snorts out a loud laugh as he takes Dean's plate, "you want some coleslaw?"

"Uh," Dean snaps to her, "hard pass," he raises a finger. He motions to the side, "barbeque and apple pie only, please."

Eileen shakes her head, "aye, aye, sheriff."

Dean then averts his attention to his nephew, who then looks down at him. He raises his hands up at Danny, wiggling his fingers, "come one, kid. You're invited to the big boy table."

Danny immediately stirs and leans toward his uncle, forcing Sam to bend down and grip him tightly as he moves to Dean's arms.

Dean graciously takes the four-year-old in his arms and coos at his man Dan. He snuggles into him, "darling, I have no idea how my brother helped make such a cutie baby."

Danny giggles as Dean blows a raspberry to his neck. When he pulls away, Danny places his soft hand on Dean's cheek, "uncle, we-" he inhales deeply, "we play with da animals."

Dean nods, "yep. We're gonna go play with the animals."

Danny squeals in excitement.

Sam cuts in, "later. It's snowing pretty hard out."

Dean turns to his brother, to his nephew, to his sister-in-law, who hands him back his plate. Dean gets it from her and walks off to his table, Sam follows suit.

"What some some pie, sweetheart?" Dean says as he sits with Danny on his lap.

Danny shakes his head though he begins to reach out for Dean's fork. Dean lets him take it as Sam pulls out a toy car from his pocket, "Danny."

Danny turns to his papa.

"Mustang?" Sam asks.

Danny calls, "Mufta!"

Dean gets the car from Sam and hands it to Danny before getting his fork and eating some food.

As Danny amuses himself by pushing the toy car back and forth on the table, his dad turns to his uncle, cocking his head to the side, "you really gonna let that slide?"

Dean chews, eyes flickering off knowingly to the bar, back to Sam, "I," he calls out, "like him."

Sam leans on his chair, crossing his arms, "you like him cos he helps with your car."

"I like him cos he helped us with the goat demon in the mountains and didn't bat a fucking eye."

Danny gasps, turning to his uncle, "bad word!"

Dean makes a guilty face as Danny shakes his head, "that's not good."

"Sorry, my man Dan."

Sam sniffles, rubbing his nose. He crosses his legs and bounces his foot, "well, the last guy helped us out too."

"Yeah, except I never liked or trusted him," Dean cuts, putting his fork down, "you did."

Danny makes a bubbly engine sound with his lips.

Sam and Dean stare at each other. The former clenches his jaw, "you saying I'm a bad judge of character?"

"I'm saying you got cynical," Dean adjusts Danny on his lap. He checks his nephew before looking out to his sister. He sighs, turning to his brother, "he's a man. I'm a man. I know what he's capable of," he explains, "and I'm my baby siblings' protector, so I get where you're coming from. Especially with her, okay. I get it."

Instinctively, Sam looks out and instantly spots Tommy and Maria, arms around each other as they talked. He turns back to Dean, "but you're gonna let her go with someone older than you because you see yourself in him."

Dean rolls his jaw, "I'm gonna let her go with who she wants because I want her to be happy."

Sam shakes his head.

"And," Dean grabs his fork and scoops up some pie, "if things goes sideways, you'll be the first to bark," he stuffs his face, licking his lips, "and I'll be the last to bite."

Sam and Dean stare at each other for a while.

"He's reluctant with his emotions," Sam sighs, "she isn't. I'm just worried it might blow up in her face."

Suddenly, Danny is being hauled of Dean's lap as Eileen comes over, looking at the brothers. She sighs, turning to her son, "how about we go to the big girl's table for a change?" She kisses her son's cheek.

At that moment, Dean spots her sister stand from the bar and walk out of the place, hand gripping Joel's belt and he dragged him out with him, "well fuck. I'm gonna be an uncle all over again."

Sam stiffens and looks over his shoulder.

Dean turns wide eyed at his food, "that's definitely something you can't unsee," he stuff his face again, "but hey, ya know, good for them. Took 'em long enough," his face falls at the thought though, suddenly cringing in mighty disgust, "yeah. I'm gonna be couch surfing at your place tonight."

Sam turns back to him, shaking his head in distaste.

❄❄❄❄👹❄❄❄❄

We didn't make it my bed when we got back home. To be honest, I thought it would be me that snapped first, but was Joel. Joel who was so impatient, Joel who was so viscous, Joel who was pent up though it was him fucking holding out for seemingly absolutely no reason.

He didn't even give me a chance to strip him naked and live my fantasies for real. He got me pressed up against the back of the damned couch, spine pressed against his chest as he clawed at my pants as if his life depended on it.

He bunched my top up and pushes me forward as he played with the pulse in between my thighs. He hisses where I whine. I let out a sound, "I fucking told you, old man," I grunt, "need you to fuck me over."

Joel growls and rubs two fingers into my wetness before plunging in, "don't fucking call me that."

My chuckle evaporates into a whiny moan as he shoves me forward and fucks his fingers into me.

My hands grip at the sofa as I try to lift my head up and even my breathing. I dart my tongue out to my teeth as the feel of his thick, calloused digits work into my tenderness. I pant, putting the remnant of my brain cells to good use, "should I call you daddy then?"

Joel hisses, pulling away from me.

I groan in protest at the loss of contact, but chew on my lip and turn around when I hear the sound of him undoing his belt. I feel my slick drip down my thigh as I watch in anticipation. I reach out to help him, but he swats my hand away and cranes his neck forward, "on your knees."

My jaw slacks but I waste no time and drop to my knees, eyes locked on his, then to his pants that were now being unzipped.

Joel shakes his head and grabs my shoulders, "all fours."

The sound I make is embarrassingly desperate and needy when he shoves me down, but I don't give a shit.

I prop myself on my hands and knees and feel my core flutter and weep in anticipation. I tug my lower lip, restless at the wait. I whine, panting heavily, "Joel, hurryyyyyy. I don't want to bruise my knees."

I feel him drop down behind me, "I'll fucking bruise your pussy, you brat."

My jaw drops. He shoves my dress up again. My stomach swirls. I never fucking pegged Joel Miller to have such a dirt-

I let out a loud and obscene sound when I feel him mount me. There was no warning, no calm before the storm, just pure, thrashing, needy, filthy fucking. I suck in a deep, strangled breath, as if I just came out of water at the feel of him ripping into me.

Joel rumbles like a hungry wolf as he flicks his hips. His ferocious presto made the sound of skin slapping echo in the empty house, muted out, of course, by my delirious wailing.

My knees skid and my arms dip as I struggle to hold myself up against his force, hip bones reveling in the strength of his grip and how his fingers were surely, stingingly, and deliciously bruising my flesh.

"Joel," I call out as my voice hikes up and down against his actions.

"That's sir to you, brat," he grunts, grabbing my hair, pulling my head back by it.

I exclaim at the pleasurable discomfort of his strength, feeling my belly begin to tighten and my core follow suit. I moan, "oh, fuck, yes, sir, yes sir, yesir, yezir, yeshr, yea, yu, yuh, hhh, hu, hu, hu-"

"You feel so good, baby girl," he grunts, "so wet, and soft against my hard dick."

I groan and squeal simultaneously, "yes, sir, thank- hu- thnksir-"

The sound of Joel's deep pants make me dig my nails into the hardwood floor. I feel myself reaching closer and closer so quickly to my peak.

I could feel my knees begin to chafe and bruise against the floor, but I really couldn't care less because of how good I felt everywhere else.

"Feel so good, baby," he sighs, one hand coming to my sensitive nub, stroking me there graciously until his fingers were covered in my arousal, "dripping so much. This for me?"

"Yes sir!" I whine, "for you, for you, for you-"

"Good girl."

I squeal at the praise, leaning my face down to the floor as I feel drool slip out of my open mouth as my cheek rubs into the wood."

Joel chuckles darkly, "you a good girl for me?"

"Yes sir. Yes please."

He hums "taking me so good," he grunts, "come around me then, pretty girl. Can you do that for me?"

"YES!" I growl, "yes, sir, please sir, so close, so-"

With the combined sensation of his rapid rocking and steady rubbing, it doesn't take much for me to rupture against him and crumble into wanton sounds. I feel my insides shatter into a million pieces, my lungs fall out of enough air, and my brain get fogged with only the thought of Joel Miller fucking me senseless.

He lets me ride it out. He makes sure I ride it out and fucks into me until I can't bare to keep myself up.

And then when that was over, when my wounded knees were begging for the same relief my aching body just had. Joel pulls out of me and I hear a squelch and a string airy curses.

As I catch my breath, I feel something hot splutter down my left thigh.

"Fuck," Joel sighs and grunts, "I... made a mess on you, darlin."

I whimper as I slide down flat on my stomach, "s'ok sir," I moan as I press my cheek on the floor, "wanna be a mess for you. Wanna be your good girl... wanna be yours... wanna be yours."

Joel doesn't respond even though his chest tightens at that admission. Its the fucking, he thinks. He made it clear that's all it was.

❄❄❄❄🦆❄❄❄❄

"Did you check the back, Dean?"

"Of course I checked the back, Sam. What am I? Two?"

"Danny's smarter than you now, actually," Sam points.

Dean rolls his eyes, while I walk past them with a chuckle, "it's true. Also, I checked the back."

Sam turns to me, "ok, good."

"Bitch-" Dean starts, but is cut off by Sam, who flares at the sight of Joel following me into the truck.

"Woah," Sam says, raising his hand up, "what is he doing here?"

I give him a look, "he's your replacement, dummy. It's always been a three person job."

Joel turns to Sam as he grunts and climbs into the back. I catch Sam's expression and roll my eyes at him, "dude. Just be with your wife. She's been having really bad headaches and fatigue. She needs you more than we do."

Sam turns to me and snaps, "I know."

I shake my head, "I know you know."

I watch Joel as he finally gets in and sits in front of me. I hold in my laugh as I notice his red face and heavy breathing. I bite my lip and nod at him, "you good, grampa?"

Joel eyes me.

"Does he even know what's gonna go down?" Sam calls, leaning on the truck, ignoring Joel beside him, looking straight across at me.

I give him a look, "of course he knows what's gonna go down, or else he's gonna die."

Sam rolls his jaw and turns to Joel.

"Oh get over it, Samsquash," Dean pushes Sam away, "I'll catch a rabbit for Eileen. It's what she used to crave when she was pregnant with Danny." He places a bag in the front seat, "probably why that kid loves hopping around so much." When he doesn't get a response, he turns to Sam and purses his lips, "and it's not like we're doing an exorcism."

Sam huffs, rolls his eyes, and taps his foot, "but you might."

Dean gets into the front seat of the pickup truck, "nah. It'll be fine. Joel's a sharpshooter."

Sam shakes his head, "oh right. I totally forgot."

Dean eyes Sam, raising his brows, "do you wanna come?"

"No," Sam blurts, "I need to be with Eil-"

Dean slams the door shut and opens the engine. I wave at Sam as we drive away, grinning at his annoyed expression.

"That's pretty harsh," Joel mutters to me, hands on the side of the truck.

I turn to him and raise a brow, "oh, like you wouldn't do that to Tommy."

Joel purses his lips.

I chuckle.

❄❄❄❄🦆❄❄❄❄

Dean laughs as he looks through his binoculars, "man."

Joel cocks his sniper beside him.

I squint as I look out to the distance.

"If you make that shot," my brother says, "I'll be the officiant of your wedding."

I snort at that.

Joel tenses, turns to Dean, then back to his scope.

I huff and grab the binoculars from my brother, who barely mutters out protest in lieu of keeping quiet. He does however say, "fucking rat," very angrily under his breath.

Joel sucks in a breath, "I got eyes on the target."

Dean gives me one last dirty look, then turns to him and nods, "okay, remember. No matter what happens, do not let its form deter you, alright? Shoot it dead. It will take form of someone you won't want to kill to save itself. Don't let it stop you."

Joel lets out a breath that condenses with the cold.

I spot the entity. In its form now, it was a shapeless dark nothing. I suck in a breath, "you can do it, Joel. You got this."

Joel readies himself to take the shot. It was mostly mental preparation because he knew what was gonna happen, who that thing was going to turn into if he doesn't kill it with the first bullet. He was warned over and over. He'd be a fool not to listen.

I bite my lips in anticipation.

Dean begins to get a little restless after a while, especially since he couldn't see that far off. He wants to urge Joel but he doesn't say anything. He's got time.

Then bang.

One shot.

But it wasn't enough.

There is a loud screech.

Joel quickly cocks his gun.

I watch as the entity morphs before my eyes. Joel sees it too. It's a little girl. It sees withers in pain and finally spots its attack. It spots Joel and reaches out to him, hands bloody, face scared and desperate.

Joel hesitates. His finger straining against the trigger, unable to pull it back.

"Joel," I mutter softly, pulling the binoculars away, giving it back to Dean, who eagerly looks out with it.

I lean close to him, placing a hand on his shoulder, "it's not her, Joel. Listen to me, okay? It's not her."

Joel feels his hands shake.

Dean finally sees the target and stiffens, "she's right. That's no little girl, Joel," he explains calmly, though he did not like the fact the thing was inching towards them at a quick pace, "little girls don't have red eyes, Joel."

But Joel doesn't see the red eyes, he sees her. He sucks in a sharp breath then heaves slowly.

"Joel," I call slowly, "it's not her."

Dean gulps as the thing comes closer. He pulls the binoculars away and readies his own gun. Before he can cock it though, another bang rips through the air. This time, there was no more scream.

Joel pulls away from his gun away and breathes heavily.

I grab his arm and look at him, brushing his hair back, repeating over and over again, "it wasn't her. It wasn't her, Joel."

Joel turns to me as I take the firearm from him and place it down on the floor.

Dean pats Joel's shoulder but then motions with his head, "come on, you have to see it with your own eyes."

The three of then walk over to the fallen creature, its form no longer what it was, neither a black entity or a little girl, it was now a blob of corroded flesh.

Joel looks down at it with a tense face. I cling to his arm and pull him close. I feel him shiver against me. Dean throws some magazine papers on the carcass then sets it on fire.

We watch it burn then put out the flame once the smell of burnt flesh was gone. It was always a weird feeling to be comforted by the flames of a monster you killed.

❄❄❄❄🦆❄❄❄❄

The front door opens.

"Hey El-machine, is your papa here?" I ask.

Ellie cringes as she lets me walk inside her house, "please don't bring your kinks into this."

I turn to her and give her a look, "what?! I'm not-"

"Joel's upstairs," she cuts me off.

I pull my head back at that, "is he sleeping in today too?"

Ellie shrugs, "IDK," she slings her backpack over her shoulder, "I'm heading off to school."

I dash over to her, messing her hair up before she gets out, "be good."

"I'll do my best," she retorts, smoothening out the mess I did on her head before putting on her beanie.

I dash up the stairs and knock on Joel's bedroom door, calling out his name. I don't get a response the first time, but I get a grunt the second time though, and take it as a cue to walk in.

It was clear from the get go that Joel was sick, judging by the layers upon layers of blankets on him. He normally didn't get too cold, or, well, at least not when I slept with him.

I walk over to his laid body and brush his hair back, hissing at the heat on his forehead.

"Fuck."

I turn back to get some medicine for him, but before I could run off, he grabs my hand and I gasp at its hotness.

I move close to him and bend down, clutching his burning hand with my cooler ones, "what is it, baby?"

Joel groans, eyelids struggling to open. He mutters softly, "stay wi' me."

I pout at his words, "I will. I promise. I just have to get medicin-"

"Done," he mutters. He sighs, "I did. Please... ... need to... hold..."

I frown. I nod at his words. I take off my shoes, crawl over him, and bring myself under the sheets. I huff at the heat Joel was radiating. I begin to think of the repercussions of cuddling someone with a fever, but I cast it away as I lean into Joel, allowing him to either pull me in or curl into me.

He chooses the latter, rolling over into my arms, his hot face nestling into my cool neck. I let him latch onto me and seal me in a tight hug. I wrap my arms around him and brush his hair back with my fingers.

I feel guilty about his state. It had been a few days since we took him to the woods, and he's been under the weather ever since.

"You need to get better, okay?" I mutter softly, "so that I can learn how to shoot from you and you won't ever have to do this again."

I feel him rub his cheek against me. I swear I hear him mutter 'let me do it' under his breath.

❄❄❄❄🦆❄❄❄❄

"Ew," I groan as I push back the plate of eggs Joel made for me, "this is raw, Joel."

Joel looks over from the kitchen, giving me a look, "beggars can't be choosers, darlin'."

Ellie grimaces as she chews on her own mushy plate of eggs.

I catch her expression and ask, "is yours raw too?"

"No, its you to that makes me sick," she notes.

I shake my head and turn back to Joel, "it makes me want to puke." I feel disgust at even just the sight of the plate, "please recook it for me."

Joel huffs as he puts out the flame of the stove. He grabs the pan with a towel and brings it over to the table, placing it on a pot holder, "just eat some chicken."

I lean over to look at the meat, finding it charred and black in some places. I feel my stomach react in distaste, "yeah... thanks honey, but I think I'll have some apples instead."

Joel watches me as I stand and hand him my plate. He gets my eggs, turns to the pan then to Ellie, "it's not even that bad."

Ellie shrugs, poking a large piece for herself, "she's been having tummy problems. Must be from eating all your bad cooking, to be honest."

Joel huffs, turning over his shoulder, watching me grab some apples for myself. He walks over to me and watches as I wash it and take a bite.

"Is my cooking really that bad?" he asks.

I chuckle at him and shake my head, "no. My stomach has just been goofy, s'all."

Joel leans one hand on the counter. I chew on the fruit as I rub his belly, "you should hug me til I'm better."

Joel sighs as I walk over to him and wrap my arms around his torso.

"Yo, I'm literally eating over here!" Ellie calls out.

"Yeah, and I'm literally just hugging your dad," I bite on my apple and chew against Joel's chest, inhaling the scent of him, comforting and warm.

"Old people are so gross."

❄❄❄❄🦆❄❄❄❄

I huff as I jog back to Joel, who was catching his breath. He was hunched over and exhausted after all the walking we did to follow the deer that ran off.

"You good, honey?" I ask.

He huffs, "m'fine."

"Hey, no shame in needing to take a moment."

Joel lifts his eyes and sees Sam and Dean, both steadily treading up the upward slope of this steep, frosty mountain. There is. There is shame in that

I help him straighten up and smile, "I don't know why you find this so hard, to be honest."

Joel eyes me dirtily as he and I begin to laugh and walk, arms linked together.

I giggle, "I'm just saying, we do a lot of cardio as it is. You should be as healthy as a horse."

He snorts through his nostrils, reaching out to push my hair back, "clearly not enough, baby girl."

❄❄❄❄🦆❄❄❄❄

Joel's entire body hurts. He feels it. It's loud and clear. He's not what he used to be before. It hurt after their hunt. It hurt after he did manual labor. It hurt. He was hurting.

He laid in bed alone tonight because his body hurting. His body hurt too much, too much for him to be of any help to the Winchesters. The three did the right choice leaving him. He'd've died if he tagged along. He'd have been dead weight.

Joel sighs, screwing his eyes shut.

He's old.

He's weak.

He no use. No good.

He thinks about Sam. Maybe this was why he was so irked by him. He knew Joel was about to give out. He's not good enough for his sister. He isn't. He knows it. I mean... he was clear about what he could give anyway. He was clear about it, but lately, he's been letting himself dream. He's been letting himself think.

But he feels it clearly now. He remembers why he kept his distance, why he was so reluctant in the first place despite himself, despite how much he actually wanted to dream. And yet again, despite himself he went for it, despite the sense in his brain that told him not to, he let himself laugh, he let himself feel, he let himself break open, even just a tiny bit.

Joel rolls on the bed and feels like his back was being pulled in the most horrible way possible.

Fuck.

This... This wasn't... He wasn't the sight someone should come home to.

Joel sighs.

He knows what he has to do...

... before it's too late.

❄❄❄❄🦆❄❄❄❄

"What?" my lips quiver, "what do you mean, Joel?"

Joel licks his lips as he places his hands on his hips. "I'm saying... we had a good run. I think it's better we end things because I can't keep up with you anymore."

"Keep up?" I shake my head.

He sighs, "darling, look at me. I'm not exactly the picture of youth."

I knit my brows tightly and shake my head, "Joel, you're not seriously saying we stop seeing each other because you caught yourself with a few more wrinkles?"

"It's not the wrinkles," he snaps, "it's everything. The stamina, the interests. You deserve someone who can be there to help you and your brothers, and someone who's interested in you."

"Wait," I shake my head, "you're telling me you're not interested in me?"

Joel clenches his jaw.

I scoff.

He mutters, "s'what it is."

"You lying rat," I grunt, nostrils flaring, "you listened to me rant about Pluto and my high school clubs. You don't do that when you're uninterested."

He shakes his head, "I told you that time at the bar, I could only give you half of what you wanted from me and you said that was fine."

I scoff at his words, "so, what? Everything since then was an act so you could keep fucking me?"

Joel does not respond.

I feel my eyes glass, "why would you agree to help me and my brothers then? Don't fucking tell me you let yourself have nightmares just to get into my pants!"

Nothing.

I groan and grab at his collar, "you confided in me. You told me she was your daughter!" I feel myself shake in my anger and frustration, "she was the one you saw in the woods. You told me you dreamt about her! You broke down to me about her!" I hiss, eyes welling with tears, "don't fucking lie to me, Joel."

"I can't--" he quips, "-do it anymore."

I feel my tears roll down my cheeks.

"I can't be with you," he huffs, "I don't want to be with you."

I feel like I'm shot when I hear him say that. I release him and step back, breathe catching in my throat as I tried to calm myself and prevent tears from falling.

Joel's expression begins to harden, "being with you..." he goes quiet before he continues. His voice breaks when he admits, "is exhausting."

A stake to the heart. A bullet to the brain. A slap on the face.

I cannot help but crumble before him. My heart clenches. My lips begin to quiver.

I shake my head, "I can... I can change."

Joel's face twitches.

"I can... I can be what you want... please, Joel, I-"

He steps back when I try to reach out for him again, without the hostility. Joel knit his brows, "you can't change. Not for me."

He doesn't even give me a chance to speak again as he just leaves me and walks away.

❄❄❄❄🦆❄❄❄❄

"Baby," Eileen gathers my hair and rubs my back.

I groan as I pull away from the toilet I was hunched over.

"S'auntie okay?" Danny, who was peeping through the open bathroom door, mutters. Eileen pulls away from me as I flush the toilet and wash my mouth and hands on the sink.

Danny is picked up by his mom and is kissed on the cheek, "auntie is just a little sick because her tummy didn't like the pancakes."

Danny clutches Eileen's face, "pancake's not yummy for auntie?"

"No, Dan," I huff and turn to Danny, "I liked the pancakes we made but-"

I can't continue because of the look Eileen gives me. I look at her and her solemn expression. I feel my eyes begin to water. I release a breath and yet still get betrayed by my voice, "my- my tummy's just... been a bit upset lately."

Danny looks at me and pouts, "papa rubs my belly and mama makes me soup when I - when my tummy hurts. Maybe you need'a poop auntie."

I rub my eyes and walk over to Danny, brushing his hair back, "thank you, sweetie pie," I pout and sigh, "but I don't have to poop. At least not right now."

Danny reaches out to me, making grabby hands. I let out a breath and take my nephew into my arms. He seals me into a tight embrace and strokes my hair, "it's ok, auntie. I go rub your belly for you."

I sniffle against the child's tiny shoulder. He begins to wrangle out of my hold and I put him down in front of me.

Eileen comes up to my side and grabs my arm as her son steps in front of me and raises both of his hands to my belly, making shushing noises, "there, there. Shhh. It's gonna be okay. It will pass."

Fuck. I bring my face into my hands, unable to hold back the tears that are ripping out of my eyes. Danny sounded so much like Sam. Eileen brings me into a side hug, clutching Danny's head as she did, "baby girl..."

What if... What if Joel... and mine acts like him... and-

Danny embraces my and his mom's legs, leaning his cheek against my thigh, "it's ok auntie. You can cry if it hurts."

I bite my lip and hold in my sobs, feeling my chest begin to cave in and my nose begin to clog. I turn to Eileen, finding that she too was now crying.

"Oh, gosh, I-"

"It's okay," she shakes her head, pulling me close to her, "we'll get through this. It will pass. No matter what. You have me, Danny, Sam, and Dean."

I hold back my miserable whines, reaching out for her belly that was barely beginning to show. My eyes were fogged by tears as I mutter softly, "I'm sorry that this is happening to me when you-"

"Shut up," she quips, "there's nothing to be sorry for," Eileen eagerly disagrees, "in fact, it's exciting to know at the end of it there'll be two babies. They'll be best friends, baby. The best."

"Wait-" a voice cuts, "you're pregnant?"

Eileen and I turn back.

Sam behind us is wide eyed and wholly shocked.

My breath leaves me. Eileen walks up to my brother, grabbing his arm, "Sam."

Sam looks out to me with wide eyes.

"Daddy, auntie's tummy is upset," Danny says, walking over to his dad, "I rubbed it so that it gets better."

Sam ignores his son as he looks at me, awaiting my response.

I shake my head and shrug, "I... I don't know... but I think-" I choke on my tears.

Sam grunts, jaw tightening. He quips, "what did he say?"

I shake my head and shrug again.

"No," he raises a finger, "what does that mean?"

"It means... we haven't been talking for a while before I even found out, Sam."

Sam lets out a deep breath. Eileen mutters something to him.

"I'll fucking kill him," he mutters.

Danny gasps, "daddy bad! You said a bad word!"

Sam turns down, sighing, "fuck- shit- sorry- I- Sorry, Danny-"

"DADDY!"

❄❄❄❄🦆❄❄❄❄

Dean huffs as he sits down on the table. He looks across at Ellie, who watches him as he places his hands on the table, "anything?"

She shrugs, "I'm just convinced he's fucking stupid."

He sighs, shaking his head as he looks out the window, "damn fucking straight."

Ellie leans forward, "maybe we should just lock them in a room together, force them to make up."

Dean turns to her, "absolutely not. I'm not locking my sister up with a man too spineless to face the truth about his feelings," he crosses his arms, "plus. She's been staying at Sam & Eileen's. I think she thinks I haven't caught on and that I'd still invite your old man over to fix Baby."

Ellie groans, bringing her face down to the table, knocking on it with her forehead repeatedly, "why did they even break up? They were so lovey-dovey and gross, and now they just... fucking stopped." She groans and pulls at her hair, "they're both fucking miserable too. I don't fucking get it."

Dean makes a face, "lay off the curses, kid."

"You lay off the fucking curses," she snaps, turning to him.

Dean shakes his head and rolls his eyes. He sighs and looks out the window again, watching a bunch of people outside walk by, "I know my sister. She would never have been the one to break things off. And from what I gather from Joel," he turns back to Ellie, voice getting smaller, "he must have pulled some self-righteous shit about being too fucking broken for her or something."

Ellie watches Dean look out the window again. She shifts in her seat, pursing her lips in thought, "yeah... sounds like something he would do."

Dean scoffs, leaning into his elbows, brows knitting tightly, "kick some sense into him, Ellie."

Ellie was about to agree, but then she stopped herself and said, "can't you do?"

Dean pulls his head back.

"You seem to be... speaking from experience."

Dean's lips curve into a smile. He lets out an airy chuckle, "don't make this about me," he stands and moves away from his seat, "and if I talk to him, I'm going to want to leave a few marks for making my sister cry."

Ellie straightens, "has she been crying a lot?"

Dean raises a brow, "probably not as much as Joel."

❄❄❄❄🦆❄❄❄❄

I freeze when I hear someone call out my name. I wrap my arms around myself and walk faster.

She calls out to me again. I hear her run towards me. Half of my brain urges me to run too. And I want to, but I don't. I let Ellie catch up with me as I rush away from her house.

"Stop!" she calls, grabbing onto my arm, running up in front of me, "please," she sighs, "don't go! Come inside, talk to-"

"I can't-" I shake my head, "I- I..." I feel my eyes water, "I can't Ellie."

Ellie shakes her head, "why not? You know you want to. You both want to. Joel has-"

"You can't tell him I've been coming here," I quip quickly.

She knits her brows and purses her lips, "you've been coming here?"

I shudder at my slip. I shake my head and cover my face, pushing past her.

Ellie calls out my name and holds me back. I power against her but she persists. It causes us to topple over on the snowy ground.

I grunt as try to dodge Ellie as I fall back onto her. I bring my hand out as I fall to my side. I let out a breath as I roll over then turn to Ellie, "are you okay?"

Ellie quickly sits up and grabs onto me, "don't run away please. Please. I miss you."

My voice cracks, "Ellie-"

"I'll help you talk to him if you need me. Please. Give him another sh-"

"He doesn't want me Ellie," I cut her off.

"What?"

"He doesn't want me."

Ellie makes a face, "that's not true."

"He doesn't want me," I repeat, "he told me that himself."

She scowls, helping me get up, "he's a fucking liar."

"I didn't go here to-" I say as I get to my feet. "I didn't..." I even my breathing, I didn't come here to work things out with him."

Ellie knits her brows as she clings onto my top, afraid I would run away again.

My eyes begin to water. I choke out a sob, "I'm pregnant."

Ellie's eyes widen. Her jaw slacks. Her face falls.

I chuckle dryly as I cup her reddened cheeks, "you're... gonna be a sister."

Ellie looks at me, completely still and silent.

I let out a shaky breath, "he didn't want me before I found out, Ellie. He sure as hell won't want me now."

Ellie blinks heavily then rapidly, "no! I can-"

"You can't tell him," I huff, shaking my head, "it has-" huff, "-it has to be me," I rub her face with my thumbs, "you understand?"

She releases a breath and nods. He places her hands on my wrists then steps closer, "I understand."

I offer her a soft smile and pull away.

She grabs my hands, "... let me help you, okay? ... please?"

❄❄❄❄🦆❄❄❄❄

I am sitting on the floor, leaning against the door with my legs curled up. There is a chair to my side, jammed up by the knob so that it couldn't be opened from the inside.

I panic when I feel an attempt at opening the door. I jolt and turn to the knob as it shimmies violently.

Bang. Bang. Bang.

"ELLIE!" shaking, "THE DOOR IS JAMMED."

More bangs on the door.

I clear my throat, swallowing the lump at the back of my mouth. I suck in a breath and stand, clutching my hands together as I gather the strength to speak.

"ELLIE!"

"Joel."

It goes silent. The banging and the shimmying ceases.

I feel like I need to puke.

My head begins to spin. I move to the stairs and look down at Ellie, stood at the bottom. I want to run away. I dont when I see her shaking her hands as she mouths, "it's okay."

The door begins to get shaken again.

"It's me, Joel," I call out impulsively, speaking my name, as though I was reluctant it was mine. The noise stops again.

I walk back to the door and lick my lips, "I... I need to tell you something."

"So you locked me in?" Joel speaks from inside his bedroom. He doesn't sound mad when he says it, but the sigh at the end of his disappointed sounding words make me feel like I'm insane.

"I can't-" I choke, "can't look at you. If I do, I won't be able to say it."

He doesn't respond.

I sniffle as I feel my tears begin to rush down my face, "but I have to tell you this. I have to-" I gulp, "I have to just say it."

Still, I get no response.

I let out a breath and clench my fists. Quick and clean, quick and clean, come on, you can do this. I blurt, "I'm pregnant."

Then I stand there. I stand there and stare at the blocked door.

Nothing though. I get nothing in response.

I begin to think maybe I spoke too softly. I internally curse and suck in a deep breath, "I said I'm pr-"

"I heard you the first time."

I clench my jaw.

"Asshole," I hear Ellie grunt faintly. I turn over my shoulder and I see her eyeing the door from her spot in the stairs dirtily.

I lick my lips, thinking of what to say next. I don't. I don't know what else to say.

"How... ... are you sure?"

I feel like I've just been spat on. I scoff as I turn back to the door. I wipe my nose, "I'm not, actually," I chew at my lower lip, "I've never been regular, so I... I my symptoms could just really be me being miserable over.... over..." I don't finish my train of thoughts.

"You still can't eat well?"

I chuckle bitterly, "no."

I hear him curse under his breath.

Dread begins to eat me up.

"I'm sorry, Joel. I know you-- I know how you feel. And I don't expect anything from you cause I know... how you feel," I lick my lips, "and maybe I'm wrong. Maybe," I clutch my stomach, "things will still change.

"You wanna know why Sam's really hard on you? Well, last time I liked someone this much, he was really excited for me. He was really excited. But then he turned out to be a jerk, and... he got me pregnant too," I sniffle, "and I didn't know then either," I let out a breath, "I didn't know until my brothers woke me up after I bled so much in my sleep and... and... I thought I was on my period... but it was too much blood and... and..." I shut myself up and bite my lip until I tasted iron.

I hear Ellie call out my name. I turn to her, finding she was already standing beside me, and chuckle through tears as she moves in to give me a hug.

I press my lips into a thin line as I embrace her and attempt to calm myself, "and... maybe that'll happen again."

Ellie calls out my name when I say this.

I chuckle bitterly yet again, "or... Or you know, maybe I really just don't like the food I've been eating."

He calls out my name.

It makes me pull away from Ellie and feel the need to flee.

And this time I do. I give Ellie a smile and silently get out of the house as fast as I can.

When the door finally does open, Joel is caught off guard by Ellie's attacks. She punches and shoves Joel back up until he is able to grab her arms and prevent her from charging. She hisses angrily as she thrashes out of Joel's grip, "WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY ANYTHING, YOU COWARD? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL HER YOU'RE A PATHETIC YELLOWBELLY? WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY ANYTHING?!"

Ellie fumes and only stills when she see's Joel's distraught expression. His face was hard, his eyes were glazed, his breath was shallow. He looked miserable. Good.

Ellie almost feels bad for him, but she doesn't, "go after her, you idiot. Tell her how you really feel before you make things worse."

"I can't-"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T!" Ellie snaps, "SHE TOLD ME COULDN'T EITHER BUT SHE CAME HERE AND TALKED TO YOU ANYWAY."

"I-" Joel releases her, "I don't deserve..."

Ellie watches Joel as his knees buckle and as he falls to the floor. He sinks his face in his hands and roughly rubs his eyes on his calloused palms. He chokes on a sob.

Ellie scoffs, "deserve? You know what you deserve? You deserve to suffer for being stupid, but she-" she points, "she doesn't deserve to believe that you don't want her when you clearly do."

"Ellie, I-" Joel looks up at the girl, "I... don't know how to do this anymore."

"Well, you can start by apologizing! By being there for her," she quips, "now go," she kicks him, "get out of here and don't you dare come back until you've made amends."

Joel looks at the child.

"GO!"

❄❄❄❄🦆❄❄❄❄

Dean snarls when he sees Joel's pathetic expression. He clenches his jaw and looks down on him, "she's not here."

Joel shoves his boot between the door before Dean can close it shut.

"Please," he says rather desperately, "just a few moments s'all I need."

Dean flares, ripping the door open. He grabs Joel by the collar and begins shoving him back, "did she fucking tell you?"

Joel moves back as he is charged by the larger, leaner, and younger furious man, unable to do much else against his strength, not really having much fight in him to be honest.

"Answer me!" Dean barks.

"She told me," Joel mutters.

"And what exactly did she tell you?!"

"That she's pregnant."

Dean sucks in a breath and shoves Joel back. He nearly falls on his ass, but manages to stay up.

Joel watches the man wipe his face and kick snow around.

"She thinks I don't know," Dean points, "but I caught her. I caught her when you two had a fall out. And I caught her puking her guts out while she cried over you."

Joel shudders, breath condensing in front of him.

"It took her telling you this to get you to man up and face yourself," Dean paces around and clenches his fist, "you disgust me-" he huffs through his nostrils, steam coming out, "her kid doesn't deserve a pathetic shell of a man as a father," he licks his lip, "don't you agree?"

Joel feels that come at him like a kick to the teeth, a punch in the gut. He is rendered still and silent. A million different things run through his head. Not long after, he is actually does get punched in the gut.

Dean tackles him to the ground, pressing his hands on Joel's throat. His eyes are wild and his grip is deadly, "you're not even going to spew some bullshit to pacify me, you absolute dipshit?!"

Joel grips Dean's wrists as the Winchester chokes the life out of him. In his rage and offence of the fact he wasn't even being fought back, Dean pulls away from him and begins bashing his face in. He gets to beat him twice before he's being pried off.

"WHAT THE FUCK, DEAN!" I scream as Sam rips him away while he wrangles out of his clutch.

"LET ME GO, SAM!" Dean shouts.

Sam locks his arms around Dean's flailing ones as he mutters, "COOL IT, DEAN!"

I drop down next to Joel as I help him sit up.

I hear Joel's pained mewls. I hear his soft voice mutter through it, "I'm sorry."

I whine as I look at his battered face as I help him get up, "Joel-"

"LET ME GO, YOU IDJIT!" Dean shouts even louder.

Sam manages to over power him and shouts, "GET HIM INSIDE, NOW."

"LIKE FUCKING HELL- GET AWAY FROM HIM- DON'T YOU DARE-"

❄❄❄❄🦆❄❄❄❄

"I'm sorry about Dean," I mutter as I place a ice pack on Joel's face.

I sit down next to him on the couch as he takes the pack from me. Joel makes a sound before he says, "don't be."

"He could have killed you," I snap, shaking my head, "he was close. You're lucky Sam came with me here to get some pillows."

Joel looks at me for a long moment, saying absolutely nothing. I turn away from him when he calls my name. I look my my laps and clench my hands.

"Look," I huff, "I know you're here because you're shaken by what I told you earlier. But it's okay-"

"It's not okay," Joel straightens up, pulling the pack away, placing it on the couch.

"No, Joel," I turn back to him, "you were right. It was unfair of me to expect more from you when you told me from the start you could only give me so much."

He says my name again and I can't stand it. I get off the cushion and look down at him. I regret it when I see the looks of his battered face and his damp cheeks. I suck in a breath, "if..." I say carefully, "I manage to take this pregnancy to full term, you'll always have a part in our baby's life. -"

Our baby's life.

"- Always. But please don't come to me telling me shit you don't mean because you feel like you have to now, Joel."

"I lied to you," he blurts.

I gulp a lump in my throat.

He grabs my hand, "when I said I didn't want you... I meant I didn't want you because I was scared."

"Scared of what?" I pull my hand away.

"Of slipping. I was slipping-- I am," he mutters, "you said it yourself, I'm an old man."

"Joel, be for"

"No, I'm not what I used to be."

I purse my lips.

"I'm not what I used to be," he repeats as he stands, placing his hands on my shoulders. He shakes his head and brings his hands up my body. They're shaky when they land on my face.

Joel's tears continue to wet his face, "if you only knew, honey... gosh, if you only knew," he wipes my own wet cheeks, "I'd lock you in my room and never let you out. I'd cuff you to my bed and never let you leave."

I knit my brows deeply at his words.

"I'd build you a house," he mutters like a secret. He pushes my hair back, "two floors, front yard with a garden, backyard with a pool, picket fence, pine tree."

I pull my head back. My face contorts.

"I'd've been the one to help you climb that mountain, you know, thrown you over my shoulder, egg you on for getting tired so quickly," he sniffles, "used to be like that."

"Joel..."

"And i used to carry her in my arms," he cuts, "...Sarah."

My breath hitches. I place my hands on his.

"I used to throw her in the air and spin her around," Joel sighs, "build her a tree house, build her a playground, then play with her. Just thinking about it now leaves me winded."

I shake my head, stepping towards him, "you don't have to do any of that. You don't need to. I didn't expect you to."

"No," he disagrees, "that's what you should expect," he blurts, "that's what I would have given you... that's what I would've-- what you should get."

I push his hands off me and sigh. I grab the ice pack that he left on the couch and put it on the side of his bruised face.

Joel watches me as I do this and presses his hands on mine before I pull away. "I'm sorry."

I still.

"I'm sorry it ended up this way. I'm sorry I hurt you first before I told you the truth. I thought it would be easier that way."

I chew on my lip and shake my head. I sigh and speak softly, "can you hold me, Joel?"

Joel doesn't hesitate. Hpulls me in. He pulls me into his arms.

And I missed him. I missed him so bad. Being in his arms made me realize I missed him even after he ripped my heart out. I miss him still. I want him so bad.

But my heart was still bleeding; it was still broken, so I only stayed for so long before pushing him away.

Joel watches me. He licks his lips.

I smile at him, "thank you for telling me the truth, Joel," I step away from him, "you shouldn't stay here long though. You should go out back and try not to show yourself to my brothers."

I motion my head to the side as I lead the way. Joel looks at me for a prolonged moment before following. I turn away from him and even my breath, unwilling to cry any further, not in front of him. I rub my arms as I stand in front of the door, thinking of something to say. When I do think of something, I open the door, "I can't take you back."

Joel stops.

I turn to him, eyes watering all over again, "at least... not now. Not so quickly."

He pulls the pack away from his face and opens his mouth. He says nothing for a moment, then he sighs, "I understand."

I step towards him and place the ice pack back on his face. I pull away, rub my eyes and ten step back, turning to the door, waiting fo him to pass.

Joel turns to his feet before walking out.

[bestworstcase]

Re: this post which kind of threw a gigantic wrench into one of the Subtle Early Series Things That I Will Not Shut Up About, what's your read on the pinkish orbs of light that spill out of Pyrrha's chest wound at the Fall of Beacon? For the longest time I'd understood it as the tiniest bit of Maiden magic that the ATM had put into her, as the only other time we've seen a dying character emit a visible mass of light was Amber (It was also my explanation at the time for Ruby hearing Pyrrha's voice in v4, that her little micro-maidenhood passed onto Ruby per the last thoughts rules [she looks over towards Ruby before she dies]). But. As you pointed out, the magic draining out of Amber doesn't match her aura. It's gold, not yellow-orange. It's possible I guess that visible soul-leakage was originally going to just be A Thing in the setting and was later walked back, but I still feel like it means something and can't wrap my head around exactly what that something could be. The main contenders I guess are either still something Maiden-related, or maybe its a SEW thing? Can Ruby just like, see people's souls sometimes?? Why would something like this happen for Pyrrha but never anyone else?

y’know how

and then adam flicks yang’s blood off his sword as he advances but there notably ISN’T any blood gushing out from her severed arm or pooling on the floor, after?

taps the gold glow. this isn’t just a stylistic choice to be tasteful and artistic about the gore; adam cuts off her arm and yang’s aura FLOODS there to cauterize the wound, burning off in the process. it can’t heal her severed arm, but it can save her from bleeding out.

similarly,

if that arrow pierced her sternum, there’s a good chance it struck through her heart or aorta and this is pyrrha’s aura flooding the wound to stop the bleeding.

there are four Other occasions when we see characters sustain similar injuries without this soul-leakage, but:

cinder ran weiss through with a burning-hot spear, AND weiss had just had her aura broken; so a) the wound was cauterized almost instantly and b) weiss may not have had enough aura left to flood in any case.

hazel gets impaled by weiss’s queen lancer, BUT hazel is noted to have extremely efficient aura regen (ergo: control of his aura) AND he has a semblance that can blot out physical pain AND there aren’t really any major arteries in that area. (on either side of the torso; even without aura being a factor at all getting impaled where weiss or hazel did is a very survivable injury.)

anyway the other two are

vernal and penny. vernal is kind of the odd one out here because i don’t think we ever see her aura At All (i’m inclined to chalk this one up to an animation oversight tbh? the battle of haven is a mite unclear / inconsistent about aura across the board). but with penny obviously any aura-flooding event just gets vacuumed by cinder’s arm. and then her aura’s down until jaune amps her with his semblance, which wouldn’t cause flooding because both his and her aura are under conscious control.

(though it’s also entirely possible that the ‘flooding’ effect was just discarded after the switch to maya for aesthetic reasons. lmao)

but yeah basically i think it’s like. a symptom of medical shock. where all your available aura rushes to stanch the bleeding and there’s such an intense sudden concentration of energy there that you essentially Bleed Aura to keep your blood inside… & if you have enough aura (like yang did) this can fully cauterize the wound in seconds whereas if you’re low (pyrrha, penny) you’ll run out of aura before the wound is sealed. and then we don’t see this with even quite serious injuries to parts of the body that lack major arteries or in cases where the injured person is either tapped out (weiss) or exceptionally skilled and focused (hazel).

[avatarmerida]

I demand huntlow fluff IMMEDIATELY after that angst post!!!! aghhhh it was so good but illegal to make them so saaaad whyyyyyy

This is exact opposite of angst, I promise. This might be too fluffy, tbh. It's honestly a little embarrassing.

---

Willow was simply minding her own business, tending to her flower beds on her balcony when out of nowhere, she turned and found Hunter crash landing beside her. Before she could ask if he was okay or what was going on, he rose dramatically to his feet. His cape wrapped around him making it difficult for him to regain balance, his eyes were locked on her, with a vexation and intensity she was unfamiliar with outside the flyer derby field. 

“You know love potions are illegal, right?!” Hunter exclaimed very unceremoniously, clearly flustered and disheveled.

“Um... hi?” said a very confused Willow, not expecting company, especially not from such a loud and upset Hunter.

“They’re ill-e-gal!” Hunter said loudly, stretching the word as though it would help her understand. “Like, against the law!”

“Okay... I already knew that, but thanks for telling me I guess?” she said, setting down her watering can.

“Well, if you knew then why did you give me one?” Hunter demanded, breathing heavily.

“What?”

“Oh, don’t act like you don’t know!” he scoffed dramatically, becoming more unhinged by the second. “After practice t-t-that alleged ‘blue sport drink’ you gave me? It was clearly a love potion!”

“Why would I give you a love potion?”

“I dunno, hazing? A mistake? Curiosity? I don’t have the time to try and decipher the inner workings of your beautiful, complicated mind, I just need the antidote! The ones at the marketplace haven’t been working, so obviously you added something strong to the batch.”

“Hunter, I’m not on the potions track, I don’t even know what ingredients I’d need for that,” Willow said with a small smile, unable to help but be amused. “Besides, it definitely wasn’t a love potion.”

“Well then how do you explain... this?” He gestured vaguely to himself as his voice became more distraught. “I’m a mess! I can't eat, i can't sleep, I-I start thinking about you and all of I sudden I feel sweaty and stupid and- why are you smiling?”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” said Willow, covering her mouth though she couldn’t hide her clear delight at his cluelessness.

“It’s not funny!” he insisted.

“I know, I know,” she said, unable to sound convincing. “Keep going, I’m sorry.”

“Agh! Even looking at you right now I feel like I’m gonna pass out!” He said, exacerbated, not sure where he was supposed to look. “I can’t focus on patrol because I’m staring at your penstagram account or wondering what you’re doing and my distractions are gonna end up putting people in danger!”

“You’re right; this is serious,” said Willow, trying to sound convincing. She herself was in no rush to cure or resolve the ailment. “And you think you’re feeling this way because you drank a love potion?”

“Yes! What other explanation is there?”

“Well, I think I might have an idea but I don’t wanna embarrass you.”

“Well, what am I supposed to do?” he pleaded desperately. “Clearly, distance does nothing to dilute the effects. Willow, my pockets are full of leaves!” He declared, taking her shoulders and shaking her.

“Why?”

“Because they’re green like your eyes and I wanted to find one the same shade!” He explained as he bashfully removed her from his grasp and began to pace, talking faster and fidgeting with his hands. Willow tried with all her might to suppress her joy at his concern for the symptoms and not the sickness. “It's actually a fairly difficult shade to find organically in the arboreal section of nature, it’s more of peridot color which led me to search for matching gemstones and now my pockets are full of rocks and leaves and it’s getting very messy and heavy!”

“Wait, why did you keep all the leaves?” Willow laughed.

“Because you’re a plant witch! You love leaves!” Hunter practically screamed, tossing his collection from his pockets into the air in frustration as he panted, running out of breath from his rant.

“Awh, I do love leaves,” she giggled as she picked one out of his hair and twirled it between her fingers, admiring the coloring. Upon her closeness, Hunter’s face quickly became beet red. Willow made a mental note to grow a tree later with leaves the same shade. “How long does a love potion take to wear off?” 

“Usually 48 hours for a standard one, but this has been going on for over a week now,” he said helplessly, burying his head in his hands as he leaned his back to the rail and sank to the ground. “And it’s only been getting worse! I wrote you a poem, Willow. A poem!”

“Wow, that is serious,” Willow asked, taking a seat on the ground beside him and placing her hand on his shoulder. “Why didn’t you say anything sooner?”

“I thought I could get rid of it on my own,” he said with a sigh. “I told Darius what was happening. But he just laughed at me! Can you believe it? Then I told him everything I tried and he told me to try going to the source but you clearly didn’t do this so I just…I feel like my chest is gonna explode.”

“Hunter...” Willow didn’t know where to start. How were you supposed to inform your crush that they had a crush on you? “You know the drink I gave you... I just bought it from the store.”

“Oh! Which store? I’ll go back there and ask them if they have a-.”

“I bought a pack of four, everyone at practice had one,” she said softly.

“Has... everyone else been having similar side effects?”

She shook her head.

“Oh,” said Hunter, suddenly uncertain. He folded his hands and brought them to his face and Willow could tell he was thinking intently of what to do next. Willow made herself comfortable on the ground beside him, watching the calculations fly behind his burgundy eyes. She knew he was smart, he was bright, but he truly was the stupidest boy she had ever met. “Hmm.”

“I can go get a bottle from the kitchen if you wanna read the ingredients-.”

“Wait! They came in a pack of four!” Hunter recalled excitedly. 

“Yeah?” 

“I remember you offered me one but I didn’t want to take one if that meant you couldn’t have one-.”

“You told me it was because you had never had a liquid that was so oddly colored,” Willow interjected, finding the real reason even sweeter. 

“-well, yes that too,” confirmed Hunter as he continued. “So I was skeptical and then you assured me there was nothing wrong with it so you took a sip of it to show me. And of course I trust you completely so I drank the rest without questioning it.”

“Okay…?”

“It was an indirect kiss!” he said with delight as though that explained anything.

“I… guess so?”

“If an indirect kiss is what caused this to happen….”

“Hunter, I don’t think that’s actually what-.”

“... then a direct one  must be the way to reverse it!”

“Ya know what actually maybe,” said Willow, placing her hand beneath her chin. Now she was the one unable to catch her breath. They needed to say they tried everything, right? What kind of friend would she be if she didn’t help him anyway she could?

“Oh, but I could never ask that of you,” groaned Hunter, defeated.

“Well, I dunno, I think you could,” Willow said, trying to seem nonchalant and casual, brushing her hair behind her ear. 

“Do you… think it will work?”

Oh it definitely wouldn’t, Willow was counting on it.

“Guess we’ll find out,” she said with a seemingly innocent shrug as she leaned in closer, and Hunter jumped back when he realized just how close she was.

“Oh my Titan, are you trying to kill me??” he exclaimed, falling over himself. Willow just laughed. “This is great, this is just great,” said Hunter, removing his cape and throwing it in front of him, trying anything to help him breathe again. “You’re laughing. I’m basically dying and you’re laughing!

“I’m sorry,” she said, trying but failing to subdue her laughter. “It’s just kind of cute.”

“‘I’m cute?’” he turned to her, as though disgusted by the thought. “No, you’re cute, that’s the problem! Ahh! I don’t know what I was thinking, I can't even look at you without freaking out, why would I ever think I’d be able to… titan, I can’t even say it now.”

“It’s okay, we’ll figure this out together," she assured him, rising back up to her feet. She offered her hand to help him up and he took a deep breath before he mustered up the courage to take it. Progress, right? He stood in front of her and she took his other hand, and prompted him to do the breathing exercise. Progress. “Try closing your eyes, okay?”

He obliged, squeezing them shut tight and Willow’s heart skipped at how winsome he looked, putty in her hands. She delicately stepped onto her tiptoes to press a gentle but meaningful kiss to his lips. Closing her eyes as she leaned into the contact, her chest warm and buzzing like a fire bee hive. She waited there for a moment, waiting for him to pull away but he stood there stunned and when he realized the moment as real he removed his hands from hers and wrapped his arms around her waist to pull her closer. Willow was a little surprised but did not object as she brought her arms around his neck. She could feel him smiling, delighted that this was a remedy he approved of. As she went to pull away, he followed after, not ready to let the moment end.

She opened her eyes first and saw the talkative anxious boy who had crashed on her balcony, now totally speechless. His eyes slowly opened as she eagerly awaited to hear his thoughts.

“It didn’t work,” he said breathlessly, forgetting why he was supposed to be disappointed. “You’re still cute.”

“Darn it,” she said, equally as breathlessly and even less disappointed as she did not loosen her grip on him. “Sorry.”

It was even worse now. Everything seemed like it was in slow motion and there was a rose colored frame around her and music was playing and Hunter felt like he would float up into the sun if she let go of him now.

“It’s okay, it's not your fault,” he said, their position finally registering as he slowly removed her arms from her waist, hyper aware of how sweaty his hands were and how hot his face was. “I’m sorry to have bothered you with this. Thanks for trying to help.”

“Anytime,” said Willow softly, never meaning anything more.as she tried to figure out what to do with her hands now that they weren’t anchored around his neck. 

“I should… probably go…” he said timidly as he picked up his cape from the floor, quiet for the first time and Willow worried that he was embarrassed and that was the last thing she wanted him to associate with kissing her. She wanted to tell him what was really happening, but that hardly seemed like a way to lessen his embarrassment.

“Wait!” she said, and he looked up to her with wide eyes. “Um, actually… what if I took a love potion too?”

“No, I couldn’t let you do that,” said Hunter, shaking his head. “It’s so scary. But actually kind of incredible? But then scary again, and I couldn’t let you feel this way about me. That would be less like a potion and more like a curse.”

“What if I told you… I already took one?”

“What? Willow, why would you-?”

“What’s done is done,” she said innocently, as though it was out of her hands. “Right? And... the kiss didn't reverse mine either so I guess… we’re in this mess together.”

Hunter nodded slowly. “This constitutes an investigation,” he declared, slamming his fist into his palm. “Someone’s going around distributing illegal love potions! But who? And why?”

It was a start, Willow would take what she could get.

“Who knows?” she said with a grand shrug. “But um, until we do… are you okay feeling this way for a little bit longer?”

“I mean, it’s a little less scary knowing that you’re feeling the same way,” he admitted, rubbing his neck and giving her a shy grin . 

“That’s usually how it goes,” she said with a bright smile that made him feel like he was melting. “And… what if the effects turn out to be permanent? Would you… be okay with that too?”

“Well,” Hunter took a deep breath as he carefully took Willow’s hand, the rush still there but not quite as overwhelming. Maybe it was because they shared that now. “I’m okay with it i-if you are.”

“Well,” she interlaced their fingers and gave his hand a gentle squeeze and looked up at him with shining eyes even the most precious peridot would envy. “I’ve got a gut feeling it’s incurable.”

[fruitypi]

Morning, day, evening or night everybody! Thanks for all the support! (Well tbh I didn't expect a person, that inspired me to make a fan art to actually reblog it 😅) Here's kind of background to my previous post

Well Blue always was the most realistic charakters from ava universe for me. I mean they are the only one with a serious, negative and pointed out negative trait: addiction. Well, but is it a reason to cry at night? Probably not. But I have a theory. Connecting charakter's traits I came to conclusion: Blue has low self-esteem. Symptoms maches here. I'm not a specialist, but I have an unpleasant experience with low self-esteem. Main symptom known to everyone is bad thinking/saying bad thinks about yourself. We can't check that for obvious reasons, but another one is popular: placing your needs below others needs. Person with low self-esteem will be much more helpful even if helping will harm them somehow. It does match here

Low self-esteem usually causes sleeping and eating disorders, anxiety, addiction to games, or the internet or SUBSTANCE USE. Umm.. What can I say?

Also the fact, that Blue can blame themself for the this whole king Orange situation, may be a clue. Okay I think it's all I have to say. There's a few clues, but I don't think it was planned. These are this little confidences that keeps a few awake at night and I think it's good. It's a human thing after all; trying to find order in chaos. If you have suggestions feel free to write me in the comments and if you disagree, then I'm open to discusion. As I said; I'm not a specialist. Anyway it's a middle of a night and I have school tommorow. So byeee

[that-darn-clown]

okay, sad ask now.

Henry and William's childhoods!! (plus how they met each other)

Henry:

grew up in a Very rural town in Utah (not Hurricane). like we're talking most people are farmers and there probably isn't more than 100-200 people living here. considering the time period (late 30's-early 40's), makes sense.

this poor guy's bio dad sucked. like he was horrible.

has an older sister named Jen :] (< canonical to the books, i'm sure)

he had only a few stuffed animals growing up: Teddy (bear, obviously), Theodore (rabbit), Dawn (chicken; technically a rooster but Henry didn't give a fuck), and Cooper (fox; fell apart often because it was the oldest of all the toys).

those lil guys would become his inspiration to make the OG Freddy's Gang.

he shipped Teddy and Theodore together, despite growing up heavily religious. he'd just check around to make sure no one was watching them and then he'd go "hehe now Kiss :3"

well. time for a bit of Projection. so like. Henry's Transmasc. now uh while doing some research because i remembered that there are some things that can cause facial hair (or "abnormal hair growth," as some sites call it where women grow hair on places where they either aren't supposed grow much/noticeable hair or any hair at all) in women. did some research, might have PCOS but with more...milder symptoms? idk because some of the symptoms/signs aren't things that i deal with personally. but the hair and the acne stuff matches up and we'll leave it there for now. but anyway, so there's that: Henry starting growing some facial hair (coincidentally a few months before realizing that. he May not be a girl, actually), and because he thought it was cool and because well he's already kind of a social outcast anyway so why not am i right? he decided to keep it.

dad got thrown in jail for fighting and almost killing someone in a bar fight, and his mom remarried. stepdad was much better :]

got his interest in mechanics and robotics from old sci-fi movies and having to fix stuff like his bike and some of the electricity and wiring in the house (mostly 'cause it Sucked).

time for college came around, and well...his stepdad knew some people who were willing to help with his transition as much as they could in like the 50's-60's. got his boy some top surgery, what technically would count as a "fake ID" (Henry and his stepdad would call it an "updated ID," though. which in a way they aren't wrong about), and then sent him off to college!

he 100% gives off the vibes of going down the "weird "girl" who later discovered they weren't a girl at all" to "goofy but Very autistic father" pipeline. i accept no criticism on this, he just Does.

yes he is a furry. Fredbear is in fact his fursona.

William:

hoo fucking BOY did this guy's parents SUCK.

like if you ever wonder why Rewrite!William's Like That as an adult, you've just got to look at his childhood.

his parents were distant and neglectful At Best, and physically + verbally abusive At Worst.

unfortunately for him, something that certainly didn't help matters was that He Was Autistic As Hell. sensory issues, couldn't understand social cues to save his life (still can't, tbh), and just in general was...odd.

some would've called him "eccentric," maybe. had an odd interest in rabbits, in drawing. he was always rather quiet, staring in an almost unnerving way at the walls or just on someone by accident. but mention anything he enjoyed, and he'd talk your ear off.

despite all of this, he was well-loved by teachers. charming lil guy, y'know? not exactly popular with most of the other kids, though...but effectively a Teacher's Pet, pretty much. not that he minded much, either; "If they can tell me something I haven't already heard from my parents, maybe I'll start listening." (< something that concerned the Fuck out of his art teacher once, fun fact!)

used to cry a lot as a kid; got him bullied often :(

parents were rich, and he had a lot of siblings (three sisters and two brothers; loved each other but acted rather distant :().

after a lot of begging from Will, on his 6th birthday, his parents got him a pet rabbit (mostly because they wanted him to shut the fuck up about it) that he named "O'Hare" (familiar sounding name, ain't it?).

and God, did that kid love that rabbit. took the best care of him he could. played with him with whatever spare time he had. he adored O'Hare.

of course...William never had the best luck as a child. when he was eight years old, a couple of friends of one of his older brothers had come over to hang out. they had found William drawing while talking to O'Hare, decided to mess around a bit, and...well, they were a bit too rough with the rabbit, we'll put it that way.

despite his brother getting rightfully pissed at those two for y'know. Killing His Brother's Pet Rabbit, even if it was technically an accident, and trying to comfort his brother, William is inconsolable.

of course, not that his parents understand that this isn't something William's just going to get over in a few days; they're just pissed off and annoyed that their son won't stop crying (to give an example, something his father said, "It's just a stupid rabbit, William! Now stop your whining and bitching!").

of course, William never really got over it that quickly. he practically closed himself off, escaping into doing art to ignore his grief and give himself something to distract himself. and he starts drawing his dead bunny as a new character: this time, as an actual hare. and anthropomorphic. look, William had been watching old Disney cartoons and Looney Tunes, also as a way of comforting himself. and maybe he got inspired a bit...maybe a way to immortalize his old rabbit. heck, who knows, maybe he could become an animator and rival Walt himself!

or, maybe, as he starts drawing and thinking more and more...a way to become his old rabbit? (< aka William is a furry. and a therian. maybe even ockin? well uh....if it works as a coping mechanism, then it works, i guess?)

at least...until his family discovered his sketchbook. and decided that the Best Course Of Action is to send their clearly grieving son to a BOARDING SCHOOL. when he was NINE.

and we ain't talking about a "teachers are kinda strict and you're expected to keep your grades up" boarding school. we're talking a "you will get your ass beat for something as small as accidentally dropping your PENCIL" boarding school.

because their other option is probably taking him to a psychiatrist and having to deal with the public humiliation that having an openly mentally ill family member at that time would cause (which gee guys, I WONDER WHOSE FAULT THAT IS?? I WONDER WHY YOUR SON HAS ISSUES??).

so they send him off, and uh. that goes as well as you'd expect: the letters are practically constant, talking about William's ever-worsening behavior problems. at first, he just clammed up and kept to himself, and anytime it came to corporal punishment, they mention that he hardly ever flinches. then...it got worse. he'd have breakdowns, usually at bedtime, and it would wake other students up. he'd get violent with bullies, not even caring for the consequences. he was always closed off, only ever happy during an art class. even stranger, despite the behavior problems...his grades never suffered. they don't understand it.

eventually, when he's fifteen, they send him home. they decided "yep. we're not dealing with him on the Teenager Hormones. he's Y'all's problem again." (< ignore that this is taking place in England)

his behavior problems? never get any better while he's still at home: his emotions are volatile now. he's sad? everyone in the damn house is gonna hear it from his bedroom. he's angry? hope no one was attached to that glass cup he was holding, because it's broken now.

the family just decides to move over to America (i'd say maybe either Virginia or NY. don't ask why, those are the vibes i'm getting), because i think they're starting to realize They Fucked Up Somewhere and decided maybe a change of scenery would help William. It Really Didn't, But They Tried.

when he turns 18, they just buy him a car, give him a bunch of money, and send him off into the world; "Go to college. Or don't. We don't really care what you do at this point, we just don't want you here."

he just scoffs and decides that he'll go away. far away for college, somewhere where his family isn't breathing down his neck and he can just be himself, and just try things out. see what sticks.

not really like he wants to stay here, anyway.

(this man is also Not cis. probably some flavor of nonbinary. or even some form of rabbit/hare xenogender, purely 'cause it would fit. he'd like it/its pronouns and neopronouns, i'd think)

and now, fucking finally:

College:

they both only really found out that they'd been assigned as roommates when Henry finally arrived at the room. it was. an awkward first couple of hours.

they found out that they had pretty similar schedules, and a lot of the same classes, and. Well, Ain't That Convenient!

William goes back to being his old eccentric self, a rather dramatic man. he and Henry both took a drama class, but for different reasons (William because he could just be himself and Henry so that he could come out of his shell a bit).

they both found out about each other's fursonas and expected the other to go "ew cringe" but. they both found it pretty cool! (it definitely made Will happy, considering he'd been called a weirdo for that his entire life)

then pretty shortly after that they looked at the fact that they both had some. creative ideas with those fursonas and other characters, and while William originally went with the "let's make an animated cartoon show! :D" (which, keep in mind, was his original childhood plan), Henry thought about the fact that they were both in some mechanics/robotics classes and went "actually, I have a better idea-" and that's how the idea for Freddy's/Fredbear's was originally born :]

Henry came out as trans to William and his (at the time) girlfriend, Claire, because he had decided to keep his flannel unbuttoned and Claire saw his top surgery scars. after a couple of minutes of nearly choking on water (because Henry literally decided to start his explanation with "Oh, these are from where I got my breasts cut off-" and it caught Will so off guard), William basically went "HOLY SHIT, THAT'S SO COOL????"

also, final fun fact: these two Have explored each other's bodies before. in college. it's how Henry discovered he was pan and how Will discovered he was bi. just a fun fact for you :]

and there we go!! finally done :] gotta go eat now see ya later bestie enjoy these

AAAHH being like "aw my poor bois :[" and then stumbling upon They Have Explored Each Other's Bodies is maybe the best experience of my life lmaooo. I really like them being early furries. The internet comes out and they join a furry chat room and are like "holy shit chat are you seeing this" (if they had just stayed normal and not. Ya know. Done murder by then)

But yeah ough. My sillies...

[borderline-culture-is]

Sooo uh not a culture ask, but I strongly suspect I have bpd (have done for a few months, i match up with nearly all the symptoms and i appear to also have a 'fp' as theyre called (AND IT SUCKS COS SHES A SINGULAR ALTER IN A SYSTEM WHO ONLY FRONTS WHEN THEYRE STRESSED SO WE NEVER GET TO TALK)

Also I have autism. And i dont know the point of this ask tbh Advice? Help with resources? Advice on how to deal with it without having to get diagnosed?

(currently a minor in an emotionally abusive household where my mother also hates everyone with stereotypically 'scary' disorders like bpd, bd, did, etc sooo diagnosis and proffessional help isnt really an option.)

gonna give myself a tag hope it doesnt hafta be emojis

-fairy anon

i'm not sure if therapy is an option for you, but if you're looking to manage it, i think it would be good to start with DBT therapy or DBT skills as it usually works good for pwBPD (not all of course). you don't have to say it's specifically for BPD symptoms, just that you'd like to try that type of therapy for [insert whatever thing or stressor or concern]

just know that you and your struggles are still valid, even if you don't got a professional diagnosis, and it's understandable if you didn't want one either with all of the issues a diagnosis comes with it. i can't find it right now but i will try to come back and reblog with a masterlist of resources.

- oliver

[grimy-cat]

Hi! Mod Fenya / Pinkie here!

I'd like to request Rantaro, Shuichi, Kaito with a GN Reader with ADHD. I hope thats fine! (headcanons btw!)

(and ill explain what is adhd, ADHD is one of the most common mental disorders affecting children and this may last until adulthood. Symptoms of ADHD include inattention (not being able to keep focus), hyperactivity (excess movement that is not fitting to the setting) and impulsivity (hasty acts that occur in the moment without thought).

**Of course!! If I got my portrayal of ADHD wrong, please let me know!

Rantaro, Shuichi and Kaito with S/O that has ADHD

Rantaro

- Rantaro is a very patient man. He had 12 sisters.

- He is able to deal with many types of people, erratic, calm, childish, etc..

- That being said, he can most definitely handle your ADHD well.

- Rantaro likes to hear your ramblings, your current obsessions/interests..

- Just likes hearing your voice in general tbh

- He’s very observant and can tell whenever you get overwhelmed or overstimulated with your current surroundings and will help you get through it.

- Rantaro also will help you bring your attention back to important topics/tasks.

- Rantaro constantly reminds you to take care of yourself, make sure to eat, make sure to sleep because you seem to forget to do these things

- He also helps you understand things you don’t really get right away

- If you’re having trouble in school, wether it’s because you don’t quite get the assignments, you just forget to do them or you have trouble focusing on the assignment, he’ll help you!

- Rantaro constantly tries to make sure you feel comfortable, making sure that you’ll be fine

- There are times where you’re telling a story and then you go off topic and forget what you’re talking about, so he reminds you

“And then!- wait..did I go off topic?..”

“Haha..You were talking about the test, S/O.”

“Oh, right!”

- Even though Rantaro does get a bit overwhelmed himself sometimes, it doesn’t stop him from being there for you

Shuichi

- Shuichi is a calm person. He’s also semi quiet and often tries to keep his thoughts to himself.

- You, on the other hand, are the complete opposite.

- Constant energy, not able to stay still, difficulty focusing..

- It overwhelms him, it drains a lot of energy out of him.

- Now even though you constantly tire him out with your excessive movements, he does try to help

- Shuichi tries to simplify his thought process as much as he can so you can keep up with him.

“Uhm…huh?”

“Basically he was scared that he was going to get caught and that’s why he did what he did.”

“Oh!”

- He’ll let you fidget with his fingers with you need something to fidget with (although he’ll be a bit embarrassed bc…touch)

- He’ll also help you catch up on any late assignments or assignments that you haven’t done yet because you get distracted too easily

Kaito

- Kaito is very energetic and loud. He matches your energy well.

- Kaito is very passionate just like you with your interests!

- He’ll listen to everything you say with a smile on his face.

- He also gets mad at people who get frustrated with you.

“Hey! S/O’s trying their best!”

- I dont think Kaito is academically smart so he can’t help you there BUT

- Like in the game, Kaito can give good advice to you

- Kaito also can read people very well so he can tell whenever you get overstimulated and stressed out

- Kaito is an amazing supportive (boy)friend and he’ll always be there for you :)

[ener-chi]

Woke up almost in a cold-sweat at 4:30am thinking about a patient I saw yesterday and have been up since. Can't really dive into specifics, but she has been having an issue for almost 2 years now and hasn't really had any success being treated for it.

She casually mentioned in her appointment how her symptoms match up with a nerve disorder she googled. I talked to my supervisor about potentially doing some orthopedic testing next time, and I woke up this morning really thinking about this.

There are two disorders I learned about in my year of tuina that could potentially match up.

I woke up thinking about this and I've been like furiously studying and reviewing them and the anatomy and everything surrounding the disorders and the tuina and the treatment and haven't been able to stop. It's now 6am 😂😂

I am just really excited at the prospect of potentially finding the root of her issue, which is, if true, something that has been completely overlooked by everyone. But also, the idea of there being something that I learned about, and then being able to take that and help to heal/cure somebody... it's making my heart and soul go !!!!!!!🥰🥰💖

I realized that that is something very important to me, and almost certainly tied to my purpose/meaning - learning/understanding, and then using that to help other people. Every time I'm able to do that... the joy that I experience is insurmountable.

I do recognize I'm kinda getting my hopes up, and that there is a chance that all the tests come back negative. Tbh I will probably feel kinda bummed/deflated if that happens, BUT if so at the very least that would be one step closer to differentiating/identifying her problem.

Anywho, thought I'd journal about this because I think it's funny that I've been up since 4:30am thinking about a patient's case. This is the first time, and I have a feeling definitely won't be the last 😂😂😂

Hope that everyone has a wonderful day!

Blessings!

[faeriekit]

Hey gang. So:

1) If I ask a yes or no question about something I’m posting, a. I don’t need two paragraphs about your reasoning as to why you have this opinion, especially if the update it’s about is already posted and isn’t going to change. A “yes, cool” or “nah, not really” will suffice. b. I don’t need four different responses about how much you dislike the direction I’ve taken, and neither do I need to see attempts to rope in other users to have you...actually change their mind? It’s perfectly fine to dislike my writing or one of my writing products. But make your own post about it, please, so I don’t get blasted with six different critiques simultaneously in my notes. This is a boundary I am about to enforce via blocking, because:

2) Writing fanfic is a personal hobby and mode of de-stressing of mine. I’m not a professional writer. I am using tumblr as a mode of publishing, so clearly this isn’t that deep. I have to keep it not-that-deep for personal reasons, because the literal instant that this becomes work, or worse, an actual stressor, my brain shuts down any creative interest and I go back into anhedonia mode. If anhedonia has never been on your symptoms sheet before...it sucks. It really does.

3) I work eleven hour days. I am in my final semester of grad school. I have homework to do nightly. The finals due this month will determine the course of my career. This fic has largely turned my eleven hour days to thirteen-to-fifteen hour days when I include meals. The turnaround on Blister Pack has been incredibly short, considering the daily update pattern. It’s okay to not like raspberry scones or whatever you want this metaphor to be, but if I offer you raspberry scones after spending my only free time baking them and your response is to tell me the mistakes I’ve made in the process, then. Well. I’m certainly not going to consider baking my fun hobby I do with friends anymore.

I’m not going to blame anyone for this. This is not anyone’s fault. Since BP has largely gotten ten times more popular than I ever imagined it would be, I’m ngl, I was largely expecting something to go wrong way earlier than this. This is about how I will proceed in the future and how I hope we can get along in the future. Feel free to read. Feel free to dislike. Feel free to-- idk, make your own post where you get vocal about where my writing goes and why you personally don’t like it. Sure. Just don’t make me see it and...what, expect me to uproot the story? Rewrite it to match your personal view of the media and of the fic? I don’t always know what people’s intention are when they comment this tbh; if I dislike a fic, I just stop reading. 

Anyway, the block button is on the table as far as options go, but I trust the vast majority of you and we clearly haven’t had problems about this previously. Blister Pack is finished in its word doc. I just have to trick my brain into thinking that posting the ending isn’t a threat to my internal wellbeing.

Thank you for reading the little I write, thank you for the well-intentioned comments, even if I couldn’t receive them in the manner you intended; and thank you for sharing your thoughts and interests when you have the energy. I often feel as though writing is very isolating, and though I often get too overwhelmed to respond, I have read every single individual comment that has been sent to me. Comments. Tags. Replies. Everything. You’re the glue that’s been holding my motivation together to finish this for once.

Once Blister Pack is posted, this will be the first fic I have finished since...since I wrote my first fic a decade ago. Fucking Hells. 🥂

[kevin--of-desert-bluffs]

Honestly I might do a run down on why Cecil gives me ADHD/ADD vibes and also to sort out whether or not my initial thoughts actually match up with canon or will just forever be 'random headcanon' (nothing wrong with that lol) but the issues with looking at canon traits for Cecil is that it's so important to remember that; a ) Cecil clearly has childhood trauma which affects how he'll act/think/react compared to a non-traumitised adult (relates tbh) who developed 'typically' during those formative years, b ) Growing up in NV changes how one acts and thinks and may appear divergent but is actually very typical for NV, c ) Cecil has Lyme Disease, which may cause symptoms similar to conditions like fibromalgia, so any instances of Cecil having 'attention and memory problems' may be related to this specifically. Still, might give it a go lol

[m1ckeyb3rry]

Ok forgetting moment pt. 20 I left the note where I wrote this open and can’t rmr if I actually sent it or not so if I did please delete this LMAO

FRRR I also really enjoy the panel where he has a lot of dark shadows on his face and he’s telling nagi not to get cocky after he was like “am I really a genius?”

RIN you getting inspiration for Rin is actually kinda crazy LMAOO but omg kiyora??? Your blog is just side character paradise atp but wait I’m kinda curious what else is in line in your inbox (if it’s not a secret you’re trying to keep LOL)

Karasu Shidou new duo coming soon move over Otoya /j but they definitely match each others freak LMAOO I bet Karasu’s like “your freaky but also extraordinary so I can respect you” and shidous just “yahoo!! Karasu chan!!” LOL

Karasu IS dad material he’s just the man of all men >>>> he would totally just lift his kid up and stare at them like “damn this extraordinary kid is MINE???”

I CANT WAIT FOR KARASU ARGUING WITH THE REF LMAOOOO and the stripper king scene is too funny!! Im also very excited for the moment that Barou and Nagi accidentally head butt each other HAHAHA

No because that’s so real I used to be SOOO into jjk and now it’s just kinda…..I am glad that the rollercoaster of a really confusing story is coming to an end so the suffering can stop but oh my…really hoping gege decides to put a bit of effort in for the ending!!!

Also I saw the pictures from your other ask reply and OMGGG THEYRE GORGEOUS!!! Looks like it was sm fun too! Hope you’re feeling better now and that your doctor has a solution for your nausea symptoms!

- Karasu anon

LMAO okay so you did send this in HOWEVER tumblr didn’t notify me?? which is why i took so long to respond despite now being at home and back to my chronically online ways (albeit jet lagged and still suffering from a migraine but we up) so it’s all good that you resent it HAHAAH

that panel is so villainous but so good HDJFLSKS like he looks EVILLLL but in such a cunty way!! i love how they’ve been juxtaposing karasu and nagi as of late…not just in personality but even in looks/drawing style they’re truly such opposites that their panels together slap SO hard 😮‍💨 definitely not biased because those two are my favs nope not at all

NO THAT’S WHAT I’M SAYING like if an idea for NAGI (my number one my baby the loml) can give me RIN inspiration it can truly happen to anyone 😬 imagine i try writing for karasu and then all of a sudden isagi is there?? like bro fuck off why are you wiggling your way into a plot that is NOT for you 😓 AND YES KIYORA I’M SO EXCITED tbh there’s lowkey no info abt kiyora even on the wiki so it’s time for me to take mad liberties with his character 😏 which i do love doing hehehe so i’m hype!! i’m so glad to be a safe space for side character enjoyers 🙏🏻 the more obscure the better…lowkey it’s so fun to write for characters like kiyora because i can truly write whatever and it’s so hard to make him ooc because what character does he even have to be in yk 😭 any “oocness” is just me giving him depth etc etc it may make the fic outdated once more comes out on him but me personally idc + i’m always spot on so 🥱 (mostly /j although in doing one of my current requests i realized that the reader calls kaiser a dog in the instrument and now it’s been revealed that his fav animals are stray dogs so maybe i’m onto smth fr 🫣)

LMAO no secrets here!! i have a note with my current requests so i’ll just paste that here 😄 they’re in chronological order of when the req was made but i fear i am NOT completing/posting them in that order 😟

[Secret gaming buddies — hiori

Prodigies — hiori

Singing reader — karasu

Karasu anon requests (any)

Classmates/friends to lovers — nagi

Karasu anon requests pt 2 (any)

Vague prompt — karasu or zantetsu

Cherry tree pt 2 — rin

The instrument pt 2 — kaiser (abt to post this one after i respond to some asks and take a post-riding lesson shower FJSKSK)

Vague prompt — kiyora]

vague prompt just means the person requested a character and literally nothing else HAHA but also yeah…as you can see karasu nation has been busy…although there are a couple of popular characters thrown in there!! i think once i post pt2 of the instrument i’ll probably get more reqs because atm i haven’t done a req since the last part of fwtkac and since that wasn’t answering an ask (since it was multiparts) lowkey people have probably forgotten i opened reqs back up again for bllk 😭 anyways hoping to get some more of these out of the way now that i have more free time and am not busily vacationing/writing karasu’s version of bfb (still cannot believe that’s the longest bllk fic i’ve written so far 😩)

HAHAAH EXACTLY like karasu acknowledges shidou’s freak but he’s undeniably talented/not mediocre so karasu has no choice but to be gang with him…meanwhile shidou is in it for the vibes + he thinks the bullshit karasu says abt erotic left legs and whatnot is super funny so they get along very well 😭 rip tabieita but i fear i am now a ryutabi TRUTHER 🤩 jkjk but no actually i’m going to make them besties at some point even if it’s just in a smau (although the otoya + shidou duo is also hilarious so dare i say trio?? and then yukimiya can get actually normal somewhat mature friends like reo and barou 😰)

THAT’S WHAT I’M SAYING like bro is starstruck that he somehow managed to create something so perfect 🥹 honestly he already has parenting experience (dealing with pxg) i just know he’s prepared and ready for it

OMG YES literally any and all nagi + barou interactions i’m so excited because i miss them being together so much 😭 BEST bllk duo no question i cannot wait for them to be reunited post nel (because despite what the haters say nagi is NOT going anywhere and barou is eating it up atm so safe to say he’s staying)

i agree completely…i think it’s a mix of the pacing just not being enjoyable to me weekly + everyone dying + me getting busy with irl and then becoming super into bllk as soon as i had free time that just really made me so lukewarm!! i think it’s impressive what gege has managed to create and for sure what he does well he does EXCELLENTLY so i’m not here to hate as some people have been doing however i do think the writing is not always as good as it’s hyped up to be either (cough female characters cough) and there’s def spots that make me go “hm” 😔 i’m hoping the ending is satisfying and wraps up any loose ends but we’ll see…anyways leaks tn for jjk i think so ig we can get a pretty good idea of what’s going to happen based on the chapter!!

IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL OVER THERE FR like sometimes i’d just stand there and be like “wow this feels like the set of a movie” it literally just didn’t even seem real at times 😭 probably going to call the doctor at some point this week and hopefully they offer good solutions because i’m still dizzy even lying in bed at home 😓