#and sorry for the vent rambling btw..

[de4thbycre4tion]

I love the way I'm growing out of my Marauders phase because it was kind of toxic but I hate the way it feels like I'm just losing interest in everything I love and just digging deeper into my depression all while trying to climb out of it

[angelpuns]

Me looking at the super long definitely TMI diary-type vent post in my drafts: haha yeah you're gonna live there forever until I delete you <3

[venriliz]

why is the concept of showing empathy for drug/alcohol addicts so hard to understand for some ppl? v.v they suffer too sis, that problem has to come from somewhere and i bet most of them would rather not be addicted in the first place. some people don't know what nuance is i swear. am i crazy for having empathy with addicts??? i don't think so.

[aibouart]

admittedly, i am afraid to talk about this, but have wanted to for a long while. i don't see a lot of people discuss this kind of thing, but i decided to do so for the me who was struggling and didn't know. also i have no idea where i am going with this and it's very late for me rn so here's a whole ass ramble on vent art. and also a bit more on how it's impacting how i view my art, now. i am terribly sorry if it's not very cohesive, my thoughts on it aren't yet cohesive either WOOPS

i wanted to talk a bit about how vent art really impacted my mental health, and how the idea that art needs some kind of meaning to have meaning really has been weighing on me lately (i know this is a concept i am assigning to my work and is not actually the norm/standard expectation of others consuming art. but it IS a sentiment i have seen enough that does impact me).

i want to specify, obviously i am not saying vent art is bad.

nor that doing vent pieces, or vent blogs, will ultimately result in what i went through for a number of years. rather, that this did happen to me, and there is a near impossible chance i am a unique case in any experience i will ever have. if you do vent art and it helps you, that's good! im not judging anyone for anything here. if your experience does not match my own, that's what it's like to be human~. i am not invalidating anyone on purpose by sharing my own experience. sorry for the insane disclaimer but it will eat me alive if i go to sleep thinking "what if they think x cuz i didn't say y and think im a terrible person"

---

i used to do vent art frequently (you won't find much on here as it was uploaded to a personal at the time). anytime i felt down or had a line of dialogue in my head making me feel bad in a way, i would draw for it. but the way i had interacted with it was really unhealthy. it became a terrible feedback loop where i'd feel bad, draw how i felt bad, look at the art, and ruminate even more on how i felt bad, until it spiralled so out of control i would lose touch with reality and get lost entirely in feeling like garbage.

i would just get so lost in the cycle with vent art that it would make my mental space worse and worse, and i would use the vent art as a negative confirmation bias. the words that hurt me i wrote down and anytime i looked again, they would hurt me again. but i would keep looking, and i would keep drawing.

i have always used art as an outlet, but for some reason the way vent art impacted me was unhealthy. it wasn't a good outlet. and it took me years to cut ties with it. i relied on vent art for a long time, but it took a lot of introspection and thinking to realise it wasn't the release i thought it was. and it was hard to let go, too.

i haven't touched the blog in a few months, now. i haven't done much vent art at all since then and genuinely, i've been doing SOOO much better. i no longer ruminate nearly as much as i had done so, i no longer get caught in a feedback loop that lasts for days to weeks. i still feel like garbage like people tend to do, but i don't put myself in a cycle over it anymore. i have gone back to it a few times in moments of desperation, but what used to be every week/every few weeks is now once a month maybe. and not to the extent at all (i would oftentimes post ~20 images in one night, before).

but i keep thinking about how, while the way i had done vent art was bad for my mental health, i keep feeling that just because i do sparkly cute and happy drawings, now, or drawings with no real meaning, that my art has nothing beyond face value... i do like a lot of my vent art. i think their compositions, or hidden messages and meanings, or colour use, was interesting.

but it wasn't worth the price for me.

so i am a bit caught in an in-between, here. my favourite form of art is the expression of love-you liked something so much, you dedicated time to draw it. and yet i cannot ascribe that to my own work very often. i think that man i wish i could make art with some kind of deeper meaning, that speaks to people, that's more than just pretty colours or shiny shading or a character everyone likes, or a character i like. but i just... don't know if it's for me.

ultimately, i could develop a healthy relationship with expressing and exploring negative emotions or experiences through art, but... do i want to? do i have to? do i need to? is it not enough to just draw something because... i like it..?

of course, the answer is yes, draw what you want, draw how you want, it's your art. but i am still trying to come to terms with that idea. i dont want to be seen as some shallow artist who just draws what's cute and pretty because they can and it's all they can think of, but like what if that's just what i like to draw??

in the end, that alone is good enough, drawing because you like to, because it's fun, because you like the thing you're dedicating time to creating for. it's just hard to grapple with after discarding a type of art that i felt was the only way i drew "for real".

anyways i am sorry this is soooo fucking long, and for all the clarifications (IM STILL NOT SAYING VENT ART BAD AND EVERYONE WILL DO WHAT I DID!! Dx) and the fact i had no real point here (probably)

anyways i will continue to draw what i want because i like to, as i have always been.

[davepepsisprite]

did you know👆

[al0m]

yeah no cotltober art post today I got forced to stay at work 2 hours overtime after my 10 hour shift

[drunkenclown555]

HUGE AND HONESTLY PROBABLY REALLY TRIGGERING RANT/VENT UNDER READ MORE

Person(s) this is about are blocked so if they see it then that's their own fault for bypassing the block to stalk me.

Also tagging @greasy-ugly-nasty because he's my boyfriend and he defended me through the entire ordeal.

TW/CW: Harsh language, addressing "you" but not targeted at anyone who is supposed to be reading this, ableism and sanism, SA, CSA, grooming and conditioning, rape, incest, abuse, mentioned drugging, misusing feminism to silence male abuse victims, mentioned transphobia and general queerphobia, mentioned triggering (CPTSD, OCD) and flashbacks (CPTSD, DID), dismissal of (trans) men (feelings, experiences, trauma, opinions, identity, ect), guilt tripping (and emotional abuse), ableism/sanism against systems, sanism targeting mania, gender essentialism, mistreatment of male abuse victims, victims being talked over, villainization of grooming and conditioning victims, villainization of "bad" victims, villainization of disabled/mentally ill people, villainization of "bad" trauma responses, probably more so read at your own risk and take care of yourself, thank you.

^ Woman who called a male grooming, rape, abuse and incest survivor an enabler* and misogynist** while he was actively having a mental breakdown about people being absolutely disgusting*** to male abuse victims

* Also called my bf (grooming, abuse and rape survivor) an enabler (because shes convinced you should just be able to snap out of it and man up or whatever the fuck)

** She tried to make it out like I was "talking about misandry when I specifically said " people who call themselves misandrists" (two very different things, which is why I specified)

*** See: victim blaming, justifying/celebrating abuse, shaming, vilifying, minimizing, ignoring, silencing, sexualizing and romanticizing, ect ect, so on so forth.

Insane superiority complex on this lady I dont even fucking care anymore, stop acting like your shit doesn't stink, you aren't a feminist you're just repackaging misogyny and using it against people you deem evil or lesser (cough cough, men, especially vulnerable men and queer men, cough cough). Gross as all hell. Rich people piss me off sooo bad, get off your inebriated equine (high horse).

Bringing this beautiful poem back too because it really fucking fits this whole "I know more than you about the very thing you've experienced because I am smarter than you and if you disagree then you're aggressive/stupid/childish/bigoted" mindset she has going on.

Imagine trying to faux-intellectual therapy-speak "I know more than you"-argue with a mentally disabled person with dyslexia and dysphasia. Thinly veiled ableism at its "finest", truly. Also telling someone with moral OCD they're a bigot for finally standing up for themselves? Dude just slap proud sanist in your bio and gtfo you're disgusting.

I'm so happy I dont have to tiptoe when talking about literally anything and walk on fucking eggshells anymore, I'm so happy I'm not waiting for you to yell at me for being dumb or selfish or whatever, I'm so fucking relieved this stupid "friend"ship is over. You didn't give a fuck abt me at any point, I was just an obedient doormat and attack dog. Using me like your fucking token transsexual, the fucking audacity to pretend I didn't respect you when you could literally blame me for shit that wasn't my fault and I'd apologize because of how much I respected your judgement.

"This friendship isn't built on respect", yeah no shit, it sure as hell isn't me disrespeting you tho. Writing off me having a mental breakdown as me being sensitive/unreasonable/aggressive and acting like the only thing you did wrong was "Mix two different friend groups". I didn't (and honestly probably still don't) have a problem with your friends (except Rhaa for the thinly veiled transphobia). Acting like I was being aggressive when I asked them not to react to me venting with question marks when I specifically went out of my way to not be mean Oh you fucking hate my guts lmao.

Continuing to push me to "talk" (argue with you) after I told you like four times that I was actively manic and having a mental health episode that made me unable to express what I was thinking and that I didn't want to talk (argue with you) because I was manic and then saying I should have "thought about that before I said inflammatory shit/vented at all"??? Like idk if you know this miss "I'm better than everyone" but when you are actively having a manic episode and a mental breakdown you dont really fucking think too much!!! Considering the fact YOU'RE MANIC AND HAVING A MENTAL BREAKDOWN. Not even mentioning the fact I WAS trying to be calm and collected and articulate myself despite how hard it fucking was. Like way to out yourself as not knowing shit (or giving a shit!) about severe mental illnesses. You dont fucking know shit so stop pretending you do, its embarrassing and quite honestly ableist and sanist. Fucking get a grip.

Also dont even get me started on the "well he should have thought about it before talking" when my BF told you I was especially sensitive about the topic you were arguing at me about at the moment due to the fact I very recently formed an alter who literally only exists to make me relive being sexually and physically abused and most likely fucking drugged. How fucking dare you honestly! You don't know what DID is like! You don't know what C-PTSD flashbacks so vivid you cry and scream and puke are like! I fucking hate singlets so much!!! How dare you, as a singlet, try to claim that a system needs to "calm down" after YOU triggered them! I'd be impressed by how confident in yourself you are if you weren't being such a fucking dick! The nerve, honestly!

Your comfort when talking about things you haven't experienced and TALKING OVER people who HAVE experienced it is fucking concerning. The fact you, as a cis woman, felt so incredibly comfortable talking to a male rape, grooming and incest survivor like you knew more than him on the topic is actually fucking nauseating. You aren't a man, you aren't a male rape survivor, you aren't a male incest survivor, you aren't a male grooming survivor.

I know damn well this whole fucking mindset you have is because you dont think men can be victims, you wouldn't have said shit if I was a woman or if the topic was about women. Pretending you're a feminist when you're actually contributing to the exact rape culture your swear up and down that you hate is fucking disgusting. This mindset is the exact reason boys and men who are raped dont speak out, because people like you think they're "lesser" victims. You are contributing to the culture that made ME refuse to open up about being groomed and raped. That is the culture YOU have chosen. The one you are so proud of that you're willing to berate a grooming, rape and incest survivor because he DARED to disagree with you. You are a horrible person and I want you to realize that before you go full fucking gender essentialist "men and boys deserve it."

TLDR: The person claiming I'm an enabler because I got groomed is an actual enabler.

[irritablepoe]

You know what's fucking stupid? The little mean voice inside my head that tells me being in a fandom is childish and "aren't you too old for that" and "aren't you feeling ridiculous caring (and projecting) so much for/onto fictional characters" bc literally no MUM, I'm in fact just doing what I love and it's cruel that I feel ridiculous to this day that I'm building up my personality through fictional characters bc I never knew who I really was and fandoms are giving me the opportunity to explore that. Yes ofc that's not "normal" or whatever but is it really that bad? Like I'm feeling better through that, it's giving me motivation to do things. So yeah... Thanks.. another reason I have to unlearn shame I suppose.

[so-i-macedup-abit]

apologies to the inbox on the fil ask blog and mine

[everythingwasnormalhere]

guys yall helped me popularize chronic pain kinny can y'all help me popularize redchole now?

[mindless-maisie]

god i love intox kink but every time i see it on my dash or search for it its all like age gap and fauxcest and super hard abuse kinks and like. can’t a girl just enjoy slight intox play without seeing “rape me daddy”… please

[sieglinde-freud]

if awakening ever gets a remake in the next twenty years or so my number one want is same sex marriage + still having kids but my number TWO want is a scene after lucina’s judgement where whoever is robin’s kid confronts lucina. bc like from a player’s stand point, or really even just from robin as a character, its really easy to understand lucina’s thought process, sympathize with her, and forgive her. but if you’re one of the future kids, you came back in time to save your parents (and the world i GUESS), and your friend decides that your parent, yours specifically, is expendable, thats kinda fucked up!! her thinking is valid and potentially correct from a logical standpoint, but looking at it from like morgan’s perspective, it might feel selfish or unwarranted.

but my other thing is, unless robin’s second kid is lucina (or they dont have one), i think using their other kid over morgan would be more impactful if only because morgan lost their memories of the past and doesnt have as strong of a connection with lucina as say, someone like gerome or cynthia does. if its chrom!morgan then yeah, theres the connection, but otherwise wouldnt it be fucking wild to see the perspective of someone who went back in time with their friend who promised to go back and save the world, only to find them pointing a sword at your fucking dad? literally insane where is this confrontation. number three want is fix chapter two’s map design

[lynaferns]

I shouldn't feel guilty for not doing a monthly art challenge, or Holiday specific drawings.

The reason you don't see me doing Mermay or Inktober, Christmas art and such, is because it stresses me out, I can't make me draw something I have no inspiration to draw in the moment.

And I always feel guilty because it feels like I should do it but I always get ideas or the mood for drawing for it when the event already ended weeks or months ago. I feel I'm always late to everything.

I shouldn't feel bad for drawing what I want whenever I want to.

Some of these art challenges are more harmful than helpful for me anyways. Like, the ones that are "make a drawing each day of the month", those give me burnouts after the first couple of days, I've never finished the first week and even though I'm not obligated to finish, it leaves me with an 'incomplete' feeling and I would have preferred if I didn't started it in the first place.

[daz4i]

it's so hard being a person who needs to be the best at everything when you are slightly below average at best at any given department

[apocalyptic-dancehall]

claptrap n' gaige being besties is actually everything to me

like they'd watch corny romcoms and twilightesque movies and make silly comments

they'd hang out at scooter's garage and come up with freaky shit like a dubstep-blasting mecha-cthulhu or a grenade mod that scatters cutesy kitty stickers that set people on fire

also with gaige being an engineer/mechromancer and bl3 showing that claptrap has some level of assembly/repair experience (the veronica questline/probably-canon hc that he salvages parts from cl4p-tp husks because he's falling apart), they'd definitely do projects on old/trashed stuff like echo devices that weren't actually too far gone, old gaming consoles, and antique radios/televisions.

hell, maybe they'd consider doing something similar to a cl4p-tp unit and find a way to resurrect 'em, but it'd be a long and painful process (also there's like fucking thousands of the buggers), because even if they had the supplies, the code's essentially like a 24-person serving of eldritch spaghetti

they're both fucking insane!! they both spew pop-culture references like it's no tomorrow and are heavily on the chaotic side of things and they murderize fuckers!! dude i think they'd be perfect for each other

brotp of the year

[gouinisme]

i think i stopped believing in islam when i was in primary school and people kept saying "you should do this nice thing for hassanat" and i would say shouldn't i just do it to be kind and make others' lives easier and they'd say no!! do it for hassanat so you can get into heaven!! and i'd think why are you using an xp system to get into heaven instead of a moral code but i'd not say anything cuz i didn't know what xp was at the time but i did know ppl were saying some bullshit to me and i'd tell my mother why do you ppl care so much about hassanat why aren't they kind for the hell of it why can they only help someone if they think it helps them and my mother would say she doesn't know and i'd go to sleep believing a little less in god