#failing auditions as an adult or messing up things i did get into

[daz4i]

it's so hard being a person who needs to be the best at everything when you are slightly below average at best at any given department

[knickynoo]

Do you have any thoughts on Marty and his self esteem issues? In most of the trilogy, I feel like Marty ranges from experience a lot of insecurity at best, to like a considerable amount of self loathing at worst, (like pls Marty, Doc getting struck by lighting was not your fault? You’re not Thor?) . And there’s the whole chicken thing, so I was curious if you had any thoughts on where it stems from, how it’s affected him etc etc? Okay lmao that’s it, have a great day !!

Hello! Do I have thoughts?? Yes. I do.

So, one of the things I like so much about Marty as a character is that...he's kind of an enigma of sorts? Like. Here's this kid who skateboards, rocks that denim jacket and the cool sunglasses, plays guitar, has a pretty girlfriend, etc. You take all of that, and it should reflect a really confident, popular person. I mean, with all the stereotypical "cool guy" attributes considered, Marty should have Ferris Bueller-level confidence and charm. He should be strutting around, smooth-talking everyone, laughing in the face of danger, and possessing unshakeable self-esteem. But he does/has none of those things because, as we all know, Marty is A Mess (affectionate). And yeah, a lot of it seems to stem from self-esteem issues, which we do see sprinkled throughout the trilogy. Where's it all coming from? Well, a lot of places, most likely...

• FAMILY: Probably the biggest factor. Though I'm sure George and Lorraine were sincerely in love for a while at the beginning of their relationship/marriage, I think it's fair to assume that any real spark between them had pretty much fizzled out by the time Marty came along or when he was a young kid. Take a loveless relationship between a meek, subservient man and a woman who drinks away her feelings, factor in a 17-year-old boy who's probably never had any real semblance of parental stability in his house, and it's highly likely that kid is going to have some issues. It's really difficult to believe in yourself & feel secure when the norm is having parents who are wrapped up in their own worlds/rarely interact with each other, seeing your father get emotionally (& physically!) pushed around by his supervisor, and watching your mom cling to alcohol and sink into depression.

• Plus, there are the separate relationships George and Lorraine have with Marty. Granted, we don't see much of it, but what we see at dinner is probably a good example of a typical interaction. George is quick to steer Marty away from any situation where he may face rejection or hardship. And yeah, he may think he's protecting his son, but this strategy is actually pretty harmful. I can imagine that any time Marty is feeling nervous or let down, and goes to his father seeking encouragement, he's only left with the impression that it's better not to take any risks at all because he might fail anyway. Instead of being built up, any potential self-worth is being chipped away at by George.

And as far as Lorraine is concerned, I get the impression that she's (more often than not) critical and judgemental of Marty. She's not shy about airing her strong dislike for Jennifer, during which Marty stays completely silent and unresponsive. Perhaps Marty's general default around his mom is silence, due to him having learned a long while back that he's better off keeping his mouth shut. I can see Lorraine lecturing Marty often, picking apart every little flaw she may see in him (friends, grades, attitude, etc.), especially when she's had too many drinks and especially when you consider that Marty is probably her most "difficult" child. Sad as it may sound, I can't picture Marty walking away from very many interactions with his mother feeling good about himself.

• GENERAL ANXIETY/NEURODIVERGENCY: Marty is an easily flustered, anxious guy. And whether that stems from his home environment or genetics (I mean, look at George), I don't know. But he definitely seems to be a sort of nervous, hesitant kid, particularly in the first movie. I also, like most of the fandom, headcanon Marty as having ADHD. And like...if that's the case for him, it certainly isn't helping at all with the self-esteem stuff. He's written off as a slacker at school, told he'll never amount to anything, and probably struggles a lot to keep up in his classes and survive in an environment that almost definitely doesn't offer any form of support or accommodations. That would be a big blow to his self-worth as well.

People with ADHD also tend to be very critical of themselves, worry about what others think of them, and have a hard time with rejection. Hence, the one rejection at the audition followed by, I'm just a big, stupid failure and I'll never ever be good enough. My world is crumbling, I should just give up everything forever =(((

(What do you mean those weren't his exact words??)

• BONUS: Marty might also face a decent amount of social isolation/teasing due to his friendship with Doc, which would take a toll on confidence too. Also, I just...don't think that Marty has many friends??

When you take all the above factors, Marty's self-esteem issues make a lot of sense and, if not for Doc, would probably run a lot deeper than what we see in the trilogy. ALSO!

• Marty blaming himself for Doc getting hit by lightning in the DeLorean: I've seen a few people comment on this and how they think it's ridiculous that Marty felt guilty but...it's always made a lot of sense to me, actually. No, Marty didn't cause the lightning, but he did set off the chain of events that led to Doc being there at that moment. If he'd had the inner strength/self-control to walk away from Biff outside of the dance, he could have just joined Doc on the roof with the almanac and they'd have been on their merry way. And even if Biff had continued to challenge him, or even followed him, Marty likely could have created a diversion or gotten an adult at the dance to help and still made it up to the roof before the worst of the storm hit. But because he couldn't stand being called a chicken, he ended up taking a door to the face, had the book stolen back, and had to go on that little side adventure to retrieve it, which led to Doc needing to save him. So yeah, I'm actually team Marty on this one. His choice did lead to Doc being catapulted into the Old West, lol. I'd have been consumed with guilt too.

• The Chicken Thing: I'm not going to go into too much detail (HA!) because this is already ridiculously long, but I will say that I don't go by the more popular headcanon that says Marty's sudden inability to handle being challenged is due to the updated timeline taking effect and "altering" him. Essentially, that Marty growing up with a confident, successful father made him have higher expectations put on him, and so he was always striving to prove he could live up to them.

I actually don't think any ripples from the new timeline catch up to Marty yet during the course of the trilogy. (I tend to headcanon that as happening gradually in the coming weeks and months after he gets home). Instead, I think that Marty's inclination towards becoming feral at the words "chicken", "yellow", etc. is because of his life in his original timeline. Growing up with a jellyfish for a father, it makes sense that Marty would want to distance himself as much as possible from being associated with weakness. He'd want to prove himself that much more because everyone around him would probably think he's just like his cowardly old man.

And though I know it's not really possible (because they weren't planning on a 2nd or 3rd movie), I think a case can be made that there's a glimpse of the "chicken thing" in the first movie, in the scene of Marty and Lorraine in the car at the dance. I mean, he gets all upset and tells her not to drink, but then she calls him a square, uses the classic peer-pressure tactic of, everyone's doing it, and he caves instantly and takes a swig. Could be because he doesn't want to be thought of as a square, or could be because he's desperate to calm his nerves a bit. Either way, Marty doesn't seem to fare too well when challenged or put under pressure, so I lump this scene in as a "chicken" moment.

I...need to stop. I set out to write a quick response to this. Like, a paragraph or two. But this question activated Hyperfocus Mode, and I blinked and now it's 2 hours after I started and I have AN ESSAY.

Thanks for the ask! *goes to lie down*

[lucysuniverse]

Critical Beauty

Am I the only one who thinks Jo Jinho is perfect just the way he is? Probably not. :D

To be honest I incredibly miss this man so I just wanted to feel him a bit closer while I am writing this story and he is serving in the military.

Happy Birthday Jinho! We love you all. 

Pairing: Jinho x OC/reader

Genre: comfort, romance, angst

Word count: 6081

______________________________

I messed up. Like totally. My dad and those idiot colleagues of mine totally washed my brain. But after all I was the one ruining our relationship completely. And I could not blame him for having the will to break up with me because If I was in his shoes I would have done the same.

-|-

I knew it wasn’t right this way. We lived together for almost a year by now, and I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t tell him that I was lying to him continuously in order to protect him from pain and save his self-esteem. Or at least this was my intention through-out the years.

We lived in a small flat. This is what we could afford. I just graduated from high-school and he was going to auditions. One after another. He was determined, and he was good. Insanely good. I couldn’t understand what is missing. What do you need more to become a singer? Didn’t he have outstanding vocals? He did. Didn’t he have a bit shy but loveable personality? He did. Didn’t he have sense of humor? HE DID. And on top of that he was handsome. WHAT WAS MISSING THEN???

As his girlfriend my heart was aching to watch all his efforts go to waste after so many years passed. We had a relatively big age gap between us. Well as long as you’re a teenager or young adult even two and a half years difference seem a lot. But later on, it doesn’t really matter. Especially not when you like someone. Because you like them for the person they are.

I loved him so incredibly. Because he was great. He was caring and cute but sometimes surprisingly masculine and very hot. I couldn’t wish for a better man. There was only one thing missing. Actually, not was but were. 5 more inches.

Because although we were quite far from each other in terms of age, we were all the more so close in terms of height. To be honest I guess I might have been smaller than him, but it never felt like that. And every time I thought about this I felt ashamed. Because that was the only thing which gave me hard times. I wouldn’t say I didn’t like his height. I liked everything about him. But sometimes I just wished he was a tiny bit taller, or I was even smaller (if that was possible).

Sometimes I found myself wondering about this: this couldn’t be the reason of him failing all those auditions, right? They can’t be so mean right? If you’ve ever heard a good singer than you would know that Jo Jinho was one of them.

This is why I always told my father to wait just a little. He was really opposing our relationship. I would have understood his concerns if he had real reasons, since I was his only daughter. But what he always said was ridiculous, narrow-minded and I just resent him for that.

“When will he finally stop this stupid joke of becoming a singer. Didn’t he have enough throughout these years?”

“I am fine dad. How about you?” I said as a reply. I was so fed up listening to his bullshit all the time. He heard Jinho singing. And even though he would have never admitted, he knew Jinho was born to be a singer. Anybody could tell. But sadly, in his eyes only those are real men who are lawyers or doctors. When they divorced with mom, he even found me a real man… My dad thought I should go on a blind date with the trainee of his divorce lawyer. He even complimented his ears! Like what the heck! My always logical and strict dad tells me to date the trainee of his divorce lawyer because he has nice ears.

Don’t get me wrong I’ve never thought about leaving Jinho, but my dad nagged me all the time so I checked the guy’s social media pages. Funfact: he was born on the freaking same day in April as Jinho. Am I freaking joke?

“Little woman… I am your dad no need to act like this. But think about your future kids. Will they be also minions?”

“Bye dad it was good to talk to you.” And I hung up. I didn’t want to ignore him. After all he was my dad. But we never had a good relationship. Well a relationship at all. But the irritating thing was that even if I tried to ignore all these comments he made me angry. I couldn’t stop myself. I should not marry Jinho but we are already expecting kids?! And minions? And these are my dad’s words when he himself isn’t a giant either. ARRGGGGHHH!

“Hi babe! Is everything okay?” Jinho asked. And as always, I put on a nice smile and said “yeah, all good.” And I hated myself for that.

-|-

“What is that?” He asked curiously. I didn’t know he was still at home. I wanted to put the box back under the bed as soon as possible but it was too late he saw it.

“Oh this? It is just something stupid. It is not important. Did you leave something here?”

“Yeah, I left my phone on the charger. But don’t change the topic. It must be something important if you were staring at it so dearly.”

“Oh no. You misunderstood.”

“Okay, enough of this. What’s that? Do you have something to hide from me?” And even though he didn’t say this in an offended way there was edge in his voice.

“It’s your birthday gift.”

“My birthday gift?”

“Yeah.” I knew this couldn’t work. But I couldn’t come up with a real acceptable reason.

“It was last month. And procrastination is your middle name so it can’t be for my next one, I am not buying this. So, what is that?”

“I will bring this back okay? I don’t know why I bought this. I must have lost my mind. I just …”

“Oh show me finally.” And before I could give him the box he took it out of my hands.

“You must be kidding me, right?” He asked after 3 minutes of torturing silence.

“Look I am sorry. I know we should be saving money and …. but I can ask for refund and also…”

“You created such a big scene just because of this?” And he was laughing. He was LAUGHING!

“What? Aren’t you mad?”

“Why would I be? Should I?”

“Oh… yeah. I mean no. No. I just thought… I just…”

“You thought I would be upset to found out that my girlfriend is secretly buying a pair of high-heels for herself to feel pretty? I am getting more upset now that I know you felt like you should hide this. Also, why did you think I didn’t want to see your pretty legs in this? I thought you knew me better. If that’s all I am off for work. Bye babe see you in the afternoon.” And he gave me a light kiss on my forehead. And I felt on my skin he was smiling. “And I hope next time I see you, you’ll be wearing these.” And he casually left the room.

I made a fool out of myself. I really thought he would be offended by this. I mean it wasn’t a big deal to give up on high-heels. They weren’t very comfortable anyway and we really had to save money. But I was young and for the first time in my life I felt getting more feminine. Maybe I was already but this time I started to realize.

I thought it was selfish of me having these secret desires to put on a bit tighter clothes and wore high-heels especially when he is not really taller than me, but after having this conversation I was even more encouraged. I knew he didn’t have problems with it and that was all that mattered. I was happily tiptoeing to the office. My colleagues even complimented me.

The girls were jealous for having those nice shaped legs, and the boys… let’s not talk about them. If you think they will become serious once they grow up… Well friend you are totally mistaken. Boys will be boys. But they didn’t cross the line, in their own way they complimented me as well. And I felt confident and happy. All thanks to my sweet boyfriend whom I could always rely on.

I was in a really good mood until the point I let some idiots ruin my day. I couldn’t say they ruined it. I was the one let them do it. I just wish I never overheard their conversation.

“I was wondering why she is never coming to the year-end parties but now I see. The company is not yet prepared for those legs.”

“That was a good one bro. But they say she is just staying home all the time with that hopeless guy. I feel sorry for her to have such a boyfriend.”

“What really? Why aren’t they coming together?”

“Another rumor says it the guy is a dwarf. So, she is rather staying home with him.”

“Wow. How do you know so many things?”

“Resources…”

“Which girl then?”

“The blondie in the red jeans.”

“Mmmmmh.”

“Stop it she is mine.”

“Until when?”

“Tonight. Then you can have her.”

“You are disgusting man. Well done.” And they laughed.

“Ah but that sweetie. I really feel sorry for her. Having that boyfriend can be very burdensome.”

“Oh yeah. If I was her boyfriend, I would make sure she feels good in every situation.”

“You mean every position.”

“Exactly.” And they laughed again. “You know me so well.”

I felt dirty. It’s not like they did anything specific to me. They were just fantasizing. But I felt fucking dirty in that moment. I wanted to erase this conversation from my head but instead I heard their words repeatedly in my head.

I heard my shoes making that irritating sound on the street while I was going home. With every step I felt smaller and smaller. I regretted wearing that stupid high-heel… So as soon as I arrived home I put them back in their box cleaned, ready to bring them back to the shop. I would want to throw them away instantly but then suddenly I thought about Jinho.

We need to spare money. He needs to buy some nice clothes for the next audition. And also, we barely manage to pay the bills since I just started studying in the med school and next to collage it is quite hard to work. Sometimes I thought maybe I should just quit dreaming about becoming a doctor but there was a senior doc, my supervisor who inspired me a lot. Last month he helped that well-known celebrity couple. He said the lady had some complications while she was giving birth to their little girl but the doctor helped them and finally the little Daisy was born healthy. Some of my fellow classmates said he even resembles Jinho…. I don’t know why.

Talking about Jinho, he was quite clueless when he found me eating the third bowl of ice cream and watching Lovely Complex.

“You are still watching this?”

“Anime is not only for kids. And well I’ve just become an adult anyway, meaning I am still a kid. Let me be. Oh and if you go to the kitchen can you bring me the last Ben & Jerry’s? I know I shouldn’t be buying these but I just felt like having a pajama party on my own. Thanks babe. ”

“Look.” And he sat down next to me and slowly took away the Ben and Jerry’s from my hands to put it on the table. “Can we talk about today morning?”

“Sure. But what is there to talk about?”

“I hate it when you act like this. And the funny thing is that you know I do.” He smiled bitterly. I was aware of it. None of us were stupid. Well… we both were very clever to be honest. When I acted silly it was either out of fun or I was trying to hide something. Just like now.

“Okay. Sorry.”

“I feel like you are kind of disappointed in me. And I just wanted to let you know and thank you for enduring all these days and months together with me. I know that even if you don’t tell me that it is hard to tell your parents that I still didn’t make it.”

“Jinho it’s not your fault.”

“That is showbiz, I know. The only thing that hurts me is that when I started this utterly long and unpredictable journey, it was me and only me. But since then we found each other, and me failing all the time is not only an individual concern. We are a team. And I am not a good team mate. You just graduated and want to become a doctor. And I should support you.”

“Jinho you’ve already done so much for me, you can’t even imagine. And you do every single day. Even today. So, don’t just please don’t say you don’t support me, when you support me the most.”

“But then what’s wrong?”

“What do you mean?”

“Even after so many years I’ve never met your colleagues and I hardly ever meet your dad. I know you are working part-time and you are tired from doing college and your job at the same time but these parties could help you relieve stress a bit.”

“I don’t want you to meet those idiots.” And well, this was true. Not only because they would make a joke out of us, but after today I was kind of ashamed of working with those bastards.

“But I guess not all of them- oh what’s this? I am sorry babe but I need to pick this up, we will catch up on this okay?”

A producer called him. Or should I say the producer? The one who just became a dad. The one whose wife gave birth to the little Daisy in our hospital with the help of my professor. That producer. I was insanely happy. Finally, good news. I couldn’t bear anything bad any longer. But the worst was yet to come.

-|-

We were walking hand in hand on the streets. Finally, a promising audition. It was on Saturday so I could go with him to the company and show some support as I should. Once the audition was over Jinho shook hands with the producer. I could imagine them working together. I even found cute how they were both quite small.

Jinho said they would contact him later, but he had a good feeling about finally making it. I was so happy. I’ve never saw him so hopeful after an audition. When we were leaving the company there were six model like people nearing us. I was sure they just walked out of Vogue. The two most likely European girls alongside the four men suited each other very well. But not all the boys were Korean. One boy’s appearance shouted “Shanghai Prince” the other’s “Nagano Prince” but don’t ask me why. I just had this feeling.

I don’t know how Jinho felt but I was in awe. They looked stunning. Flawlessly chitchatting about a Flower Shop in the nearby. I always thought models have other topics to talk about. Well the owner of that shop must have done something very well then to become a hot topic.

“They were cool right?” He asked suddenly.

“Yeah.”

“Just wait a little longer. I will become one of them anytime soon.”

“I know.”

And I really knew that he would succeed. He was supposed to be a singer. I even imagined myself becoming his manager. I loved helping people. And I was determined about med school, but for him I could have given up on it. I knew with his music he may be curing more people in his life than me as a doctor. So after all our goal was the same.

              As we were nearing home familiar faces were getting closer. The two guys that bullied me in high school. They always had something against me. If I had red nails I was a slut if I wore a turtleneck they called me a nun. They ate my lunch, stole my notebooks etc. Same old thing. Bullies are so uncreative.  

              “Oh hi dear. Long time no see.”

              “Hi guys.” And I started to panic but wanted to grab Jinho’s hand and leave as soon as possible.

              “Hey its Saturday, why such a hurry? Knowing you, you don’t have any plans or invitations, do you?”

              “I am sorry boys, but we will be leaving.” Jinho said firmly.

              “Oh, did you see someone? I heard a voice but I don’t know where it comes from.” One of them said.

              “I don’t know man. Maybe our favorite girl can tell us.” And now they were both looking at me challengingly.

              “You guys are still not tired of the same old shit, are you?” I asked with a bored face but deep inside I was startled. I hated seeing them again, I hated the fact that even after graduation they can do this to me and Jinho as well.

              “Same old shit? Look at you. Are you talking about yourself?”

              “It was enough. Get lost.” Jinho said again.

              “It is strange I keep on hearing things but I don’t see anyone.” One said.

              “Poor girl. You should have higher expectations. Are should I say taller?” The other added. And they laughed. I was about to cry. Why is this happening to us, when finally, things seemed to become better.

              “Is he the best you could end up with? Oh god your still so low-class as you used to be… or is he not your boyfriend? Correct me if I misunderstood.”

              And that was when I fucked up. I didn’t say anything. I hesitated. There were no good answers. I knew them so well, no matter what I was about to say, they would turn it against me. But even that should have been better than this.

              “I am sorry guys, but if that’s the problem, I can tell you we are not together. Look at her. Is she someone to mess around someone like me? Definitely no. She is better than that. She has a taller, funnier and richer guy next to her. He has just entered that building at the end of the corner. I guess you both know which building I am referring to.”

              “Is that true?” They asked at the same time.

              It was our only chance to finally escape from this nightmare situation. They could stop us if they wanted any time. We were both too small to resist if they were up to something.

              “Yeah, that’s right. He works there.”

              And as if the curse was broken, they nodded with respect and were no longer blocking our way.

              “If that’s the case, we are sorry about what we said. We knew you are going to make it. And who is that lucky guy? Yanan? Shinwon? Yuto? No waaaay. Oh my god are you dating Jung Wooseok?”

              I had no clue what they were talking about, but I had this gut feeling that my dear ex-classmates became fanboys throughout the years. FANBOYS! It was ridiculous. I couldn’t help but smile out of embarrassment.

              “I am sorry, but you also know that we should respect the artist’s privacy. I cannot say more.”

              “Okay, so its Wooseok. Oh my god. He is a legend. Could you please get his autograph?”

              “I am sorry but we should get going. Jinho has- wait… Jinho?”

              “Oh the small guy? He left couple of minutes ago when it turned out you are dating Wooseok. Is he jealous by the way? He might have some feelings for you. But don’t mind him girl. You are dating the great Jung Wooseok. What else can a person ask for?”

              For a forgiving boyfriend I guess. I left these two idiots there and I started to run after Jinho as fast as I could. Did he say he is leaving I just didn’t notice? Was he upset? Did he leave something at the audition? I called him several times but I couldn’t reach him. After going back to the company and checking the possible places where we were that day I decided to finally go home. I just hoped he would be there.

-|-

              He was at home. And he didn’t seem upset. He told me to take a shower after this tiring day. It was his tiring day though. If only I had the audition today.

              We spent the afternoon calmly he was practicing and I watched a movie. The male protagonist kinda resembled the divorce lawyer’s trainee. Yang Hongseok. And wait a second, he is at the same agency where Jinho had the audition. Nice. I was so happy and excited I really hoped they will call him back with good news.

              Jinho was practicing for hours. He only did this when he was determined and wanted to prove himself before an upcoming audition or when he was hurt. I started to have a bad feeling. There isn’t any upcoming audition. Shit.

              I prepared some nice food and I cautiously knocked on his door to tell him we can have dinner. He didn’t seem angry or anything he just casually nodded and we started to eat.

              “About today… thank you for saving me. These two were always bullying me and if you weren’t next to me today I might have ended up crying and hurt again.”

              “At least YOU are not hurt.” And the way he said ‘you’ was different.

              After minutes of awkward silence he thanked for the food and was on his way to go back practicing.

              “Wait Jinho.”

              “Yeah?” He asked indifferently.

              And I couldn’t ask what I wanted.

              “There is dessert for you in the fridge.”

              “For me? Aww. That’s nice. I thought it is for someone else. Maybe for Jung Wooseok.”

              Bingo. I knew something was fishy…

“I don’t even know who that guy is. And you are well aware of this. Look, I know those two are disgusting and resentful but it was you who stopped them. It was thanks to your made up story that they finally stopped.”

“Oh right. You are so right. What if we just pretend not dating anymore? Maybe it will solve other worries too?!”

“What? Do you want to break up?”

And I saw that he kinda froze at this question. He didn’t mean it.  But if he was mentioning break up he must have been hurt for real.

“No. Of course not. This is why I was kind of avoiding you. I wanted to talk about this when I have calmed down. But fine since it’s out it can’t be helped.”

I was getting nervous. The thought of losing him was more than painful. I didn’t want to live without him. I couldn’t live without him.

“I always thought we are a great team. Even if there are things we should work on we were always open about concerns and we solved the problems together. But I am worried this situation right now is not something we can change even if we work together.”

“We can solve everything together, okay? I want to solve it. Jinho please. I understand and realize that I must have hurt you with my words. And I am so sorry about that. I never wanted to hurt you. I should have told them the truth.”

“Do you know how much happier you looked when I said you are dating this illusionary taller, funnier and richer guy? Do you realize how relieved you were when they showed you respect for dating an idol? Do you get it finally? I love you so incredibly. But this is me. Only this much. I cannot give you more. I am working hard to get there. I might be there someday. But it won’t change facts. I am Jo Jinho, I am 5.6. I don't look like a model. I don’t have money. But I love you. That’s all I can give. But I am not sure it is enough. I am no longer sure I can give you the things you need. I am not sure what I can give you is the same as you want me to give you.”

“What?”

Is this really how I behaved? Is this really how I made him feel?

“I am not saying we should break up, but I am asking you to reconsider what you want from me and from this relationship. I want you to be honest. I promise you even if you say ‘I am sorry but I only date guys above 5.8’ it will hurt and I will be broken, but I will accept it. As long as I know you made the right choice in order to be with someone who can make you happy, I will accept your decision.”

“No Jinho. You totally misunderstood. I don’t want to date anybody else. Who cares about those stupid inches?”

“You. It was only you. Always. Did you ever hear me complaining about it? This might sound cruel but I learned to accept myself and love myself in this way. And it was a hard and long journey. I won’t pretend it is only about you. I don’t want to lose this confidence. I don’t want to become that insecure man I was before. But you make me feel like someone who needs to be protected, someone who should be hidden. I don’t want to feel like this.”

“I never wanted to hurt you.” I said while my tears were falling.

“I know you never did. It was unintentional. But you’ve hurt me. I just want you to realize a lot of things can be improved and changed, but my height is not something I can modify. Please just think about it. If you still want me this way, just let me know. I would be happy to stay together.”

And he left me there. I would want to hug somebody, and I needed his presence but, I was kind of glad he didn’t see my ugly crying face.

He was so damn right. And I could totally understand the way he felt. If you love someone you shouldn’t make them feel like trash. And it was always and only me who had those concerns. The rumors spread by the colleagues and my dad’s stupid words. I am not sure how I really felt. Maybe I was just influenced by them but I was worried I might have cared too much about his height.

Everything was up to me now. He was waiting for my answer. Even after I hurt him so bad, he didn’t want to break up. It was up to me to choose an average life with a divorce lawyer’s trainee type of guy, or choose a different type of life with him. A life with Jo Jinho.

-|-

We’ve slept separately. It was better this way. I was suffering alone but it just made me realize how much I needed his presence, how much I wanted to see his face when I woke up and how badly I wanted to feel his arms wrapped around me.

I prepared a nice breakfast. I wanted to clear things as soon as possible, but food is important too. Kids, don’t forget to eat breakfast!

“Hi! Good morning!”

“Good morning! Wow. So many nice dishes. Is this a compensation?”

“It’s an ‘I am sorry for being a bad girlfriend’.”

“Oh thank god it’s not an ‘I am sorry for breaking up with you’.” He said with a smile. But I couldn’t laugh at it. I know he was hurt. And him trying to make a joke out of it meant that he was hurt more than he showed.

“I am not gonna leave you Jinho.”

“I am sorry I didn’t mean it.”

“Look. I… I… messed up okay? I understand that even if I had good intentions I’ve hurt your feelings. But I think we can solve this too. I wanted to say thank you for finally saying what I should have heard. The thing is that you were right. I was the one obsessed with your height. And the saddest is that not specifically because of you. I thought if I am almost as tall as you I can not be a fragile, small woman. I wanted to be smaller, I wanted to be the one who needs to be protected. And I couldn’t accept myself in this way. I didn’t see me the way I wanted.”

“I wish you would see yourself with my eyes just to understand how beautiful you are.”

“I am sorry to make you feel bad when I was the one who couldn’t love myself. If you could help me to accept myself as you did back then, I think we would be able to stay together. And if you still love me I wouldn’t want anything more than this. I want nothing less and nothing more than you, Jo Jinho.”

-|-

Magic Bra. I was raising my eyebrows. Did she really make a successful business with such a company name? But when I checked on the internet the reviews were praising her insanely.

Lucy_1127 wrote: I was invisible before. But when my longtime best friend saw me in this red bra, he finally realized we were supposed to be together. I love this bra. It is indeed magical. My only regret is that it is more times on the floor than on me. (Moderators please don’t erase my comment *begs*)

Hoetaekie828 wrote: when the owner told me that this lingerie has magical power I was sceptic. I am 27 you know. I don’t believe in fairytales anymore. But when I saw her (my back then best friend now girlfriend)... Wow! She was indeed a beautiful princess from a fairytale. Since than I couldn’t thank the owner lady enough. We are regulars at the shop. I totally recommend it for couples, and for those friends who are shy to admit the truth.

              Jinho didn’t tell me why I got this. He just told me this is a gift from him to me and also a part of our therapy. We didn’t apply for real therapy. But we agreed to rebuild our trust and change things. As a first step he told me to wear these. I was kind of surprised. Jinho wasn’t really a shy type but we were both so stressed recently, having a time dedicated to ourselves was so rare like a leap year.

              When I put on the ‘magic bra’ I checked myself in the mirror. I wasn’t totally satisfied but I looked so different in these. I finally saw someone who is brave and confident. For the first time I thought if I work a bit harder, not only on my body and carrier but on my behavior and inner values, I might become someone who is worth of Jinho’s love. I really hoped so.

              “Okay, so where is my lovely and concerned girlfriend who cannot see herself as a fragile, feminine woman? Because I only see a stunning, confident lady here. I am sorry miss, but even if it is so hard to send you off I will have to ask you to leave because I already have someone closed in my heart.” He said when he suddenly appeared behind my back. Our eyes met in the mirror.

              “Oh is that so? That’s a shame then. Are you sure she wouldn’t allow this one? As long as you are happy I think she wouldn’t mind it.”

              “Do you think so? Am I that kind of lucky guy? Well… let me see.” And he is seductive gaze was wandering all over my body. “No. I cannot do that to her I am sorry.”

              “Why not? Is she so nice?”

              “Yeah. She is a precious someone to me. And I promised something to myself. I wanted to show her how beautiful she is. I need to keep that promise. So even if your affair offer is very tempting I have to say no.”

              “What a pity. I think she doesn’t even know how lucky she is… Is she more beautiful than me? That can’t be true. Mister you must be lying.”

              “No, I am not. I love her and she is beautiful. What if I prove you?”

              “Fine. If you prove me than I’ll be leaving and won’t seduce you. If you don’t prove me you’ll have to have an affair with me.”

              “Okay.”

              “So, how will you prove me?”

              “Just look at yourself in the mirror.”

And even if I was confident pretending to be another lady for fun looking at myself in the mirror while he was watching me from behind was kind of embarrassing.

              “You know my girlfriend is a bit insecure and even if I tell her she won’t trust me when I say she is beautiful. You have some similarities. You both are stubborn and don’t trust my words… bad girls…”

              And I couldn’t help but laugh a bit. He was cute. I was grateful. And I loved him incredibly.

              “So, for example if I would say I love how she puts her hair behind her ears she would be like: but it is nothing special.”

              And as he said it he put my hair behind my ears and put a soft kiss on my neck. And then looked back at me in the mirror. And I started to get the taste of this whole thing. He was so freaking hot. He decided to show me how he loved each and every part of my body. He put soft kisses on my shoulders and wrapped his arms around my waist without taking his eyes off of me. And this excited me. For the first time I realized it was really not about being small or tall, fragile or not. He loved me and I loved him back. And we were perfect for each other just the way we were.

-|-

              “Sorry but could you please go to the hall? Someone passed out. Oh god these fans these days…”

              “Sure, I’ll be there in a sec.”

              It wasn’t the first time in this week. Fans were crazy about him. And it was good to see that he finally received this much of love after working hard for his dream for the past years.

“I am here. How can I help? Where is the patient?”

“He is here.”

“You two?” I asked a bit shocked.

“Oh! Our favorite girl. Please save him!” Member 1 of the bully duo said. I am sorry but after what they’ve done to me throughout these years I don’t bother calling them on their names…

I just gave him first aid and after he woke up I made sure he is fine.

“You’ll be fine now.”

“Oh my goodness. Thank you. You saved him.”

“You saved me. Thank you. I have never thought one day you’ll be saving my life.”

“Trust me, this is not something I’ve expected either. But what are you two doing here?”

“We are fans!”

“I am sorry to let you down but Wooseok is not present today. This is Jinho’s solo concert…” I said a bit offended.

“Silly. We knooow. We came to support him.” They said.

“Oh, if that’s the case… I am glad. I think he would be happy to see your faces. But promise me you won’t faint in front of him okay?”

“Yes doctor!”

“Good.”

“Also… we are sorry… for everything.”

And I just nodded. I was happy that they apologized even if it happened after so many years later. But in a way I was happy that we met them on that day. I guess I needed to meet them to realize being critical about beauty is just so unnecessary. Beauty is so subjective, and is not only about visuals and heights. And when I looked back on Jinho talking happily with his fans signing the albums, I knew that in my eyes he was the most beautiful person, and nothing else mattered.

[beanpolebrianmay]

Practice

Pairing: Joe Mazzello x Reader

Summary: Joe comes to you for help with a different audition.

Disclaimer: I do not own any people, this is fiction.

Word count: 3612

Warnings: Teasing mention of a daddy kink, slight language (?maybe?), badly written fake movie scripts, and fluffy getting-together tropes are in your future.

…

The paper you held in your hands stared at you – unflinching and eggshell white and creased in the corner where it was held together by a staple. The last page. It was cool until the last page.

“Please, y/n?”

Joe hit you with his big eyes and you blinked, arching an eyebrow at him. It wasn’t as if you hadn’t helped him rehearse for auditions before; in fact, you were always the first one he asked. But this?

“Joe—”

“We won’t even do that part; we’ll stop right before it. It’ll be like any other role I’ve taken on, I swear. It won’t be weird. I’ve done parts where my characters kissed your character before, and it won’t be any different.”

“Joe, these lines are, like, uber-suggestive. And they don’t just kiss. It’s gonna be weird.”

“That’s why we stop before it. Please,” he whined, “you’re an actor too, don’t treat it any differently than taking on a role. That’s all this is, it’s not like I, Joseph Francis Mazzello III, am actually going to say these things to you.”

A small smile tugged at your lips. “Bringing out the full name, huh? You know that I’m not an actor. I acted as a hobby years ago and I do these lines with you, but that doesn’t mean that I’m an actor.”

“Well, as a professional actor myself, I say you are and superiority wins.”

You scoffed. “Not in my house, it doesn’t.”

“Not unless it’s your superiority,” Joe mocked back.

“I will not deny this. But back to the matter at hand, don’t you have someone else who isn’t your close female friend to practice with? An actress crush or something? Like, I’m pretty sure this is the entire plot to a rom-com somewhere out there.”

“No, I don’t, I would have told you if I did. And you’re my lucky charm – ever since I’ve started doing the audition scenes with you, I’ve been more successful in getting the role. Please, don’t make me mess up my mojo.”

You looked away from his pleading gaze and towards the packet in you hands again, considering the possible outcomes.

One: You go ahead with practicing, you say the things in the scene and he says the other things and then you spend the night re-brainwashing yourself until you believe the whole “I’m not attracted to this man” line again.

Two: You don’t practice with him and suffer through his grumpy episodes and your guilty conscience until he realizes his mojo doesn’t have anything to do with you at all, gets the part, and forgives you.

Three: You go ahead with practicing, you say the things and he says the other things and then you feel some other other things and he finds out and all the sudden your whole friendship thing is weird and practically over.

You glanced back at the man across the counter and met the puppy eyes he had trained on you.

Finally, a sigh escaped your lips. “Fine.”

Joe broke out in a grin and maneuvered his way to sweep you into a tight embrace. “Thank you, thank you, thank you so much, y/n. You don’t know how much this means to me.”

“I still don’t see why you couldn’t just find a different partner,” you grumbled. But the complaint fell flat with the smile that had inched its way onto your face. “Why is this part such a big deal, anyways?”

“It’s different.”

You let out a short bark of laughter, eyes scanning the words on the page again. “Yeah, that’s pretty obvious. But I mean, why does me practicing with you mean so much to you this time?”

“It always means a lot to me when you practice with me. Because it means that you’re willing to take time out of your day to spend with me and help me be get better at what I love doing. Quality time is my love language, you know,” he grinned, picking up the two packets and shoving yours into your hands. “Now let’s get cracking.”

“That sounds like something my dad would say. Stop being a dork, you old timer,” you tease, following him to the living room.

“Okay, three things. One: my dorkiness is one of my most attractive qualities, thank you very much.” You rolled your eyes but silently agreed with him. “Two: male life expectancy has really risen with the invention of modern medicine, so unless you know something about my date of death that I don’t, I prefer middle-aged if you don’t mind. And three: you know, I’ve been compared to a dad quite a lot in my life. Some of my fans online have even taken to calling me ‘daddy’ a lot, maybe I just have a dad energy?”

You stumbled and choked on your spit at this new information, a laugh bubbling out from under your desperate coughs and Joe pounding on your back with a grin plastered to his face.

“Joseph Mazzello, please tell me that you know what that actually means and you don’t think those fans really just think you have a father-ish personality.”

He dropped his smile and looked at you blankly for a second before breaking out in giggles. “You should have seen your face,” he chuckles, nudging you and turning to walk the rest of the way into the living room. “Are the red cheeks from embarrassment that I totally just got you or are you hiding a dirty little secret, y/n?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” you teased, hip-checking him as you pass to sit in the armchair opposite to the couch.

“Oh boy, would I ever.” Joe wiggled his eyebrows and you laughed, miming locking your lips. He sighed dramatically, flopping down on the couch. “Keep your secrets, then. But I’ll have you know that my character would totally have your character begging to tell mine all her dirty little secrets.”

“My character would be begging to tell her own secrets? Joe, that doesn’t even make sense.”

“It does in my world.”

“No wonder you are the way that you are.”

Joe chuckled, picking up the packet. “Okay, enough banter. This is a pretty short scene, especially with the, er, one part cut out. It’s also a pretty stage-direction heavy scene, so we’ll be moving.”

You nodded and stood up from the chair, reading over the lines. “Okay. You ready?”

“Yeah, let me just look over these one last time.”

You waited until he faced you and took a deep breath, meeting your eyes and nodding to signal the start of the scene.

Seeing Joe fall into character never failed to stir up feelings of intense admiration and pride in you. He really was an incredible actor, and with each role he came to you with, you had the pleasure of seeing the movie before it was made. Never mind that he didn’t always get the role, because it didn’t matter when he was always showing you what the movie could be with him.

This time was no different. Except when he had said that the role was different, he had meant it. Though it was no Fifty Shades of Grey, the film itself was directed towards adult audiences. This role was the opposite of who Joe was. The character wasn’t a villain, just a very focused, very serious and intense character.

So it really shouldn’t have stunned you when his usual demeanor melted off of his face and he fixed you with a heavy gaze. But it did. You felt your lungs constrict and looked down at your paper again in an attempt to escape him, but you could feel his eyes regardless.

“I’m not sure I understand what you want from me.” His voice was deep and smooth and decidedly not the Joe Mazzello you knew, which (and you would never admit this openly to him) he was right in the fact that it made it easier to slip into your character.

“I’m not sure if I understand it either. But it’s not my job to understand it, it’s my job to get it done.”

“I can’t give you what I don’t have though, you’ve got to see the problem in that fact.”

You sighed and swayed your hips as you approached him, his eyes never leaving yours. “I’m not surprised, you know. If I were in your position, I wouldn’t want to give the chip up either. And I’m going to be completely honest with you. I don’t agree with what the corporation is doing, and I don’t want them to get their hands on that tech either.”

Joe looked at you with cold suspicion. “Then why work for them?”

“Because there’s no getting out once you’ve gotten in. It’s a one-way street and if I had known that I never would have joined. But I did, and it still stands to be the stupidest decision I’ve ever made.”

Joe circled the coffee table with you. “And I’m supposed to believe your sudden change of heart?”

“You could, though it would be naïve and quite pathetic, seeing the things I’ve done to you and the people you love. I wouldn’t trust me either.”

Joe’s jaw clenched, and you stopped your circling to hear him. “You don’t know a damn thing about the people I love. You know very little besides the art of murder and blind loyalty.”

“I’m not arguing with you,” you relied in a soft voice, which only seemed to goad Joe on. He took three giant steps toward you and took the front of your shirt in his fist, face close and angry, but you didn’t respond other than to read your lines off of the script.

“Then why are you here?”

“I told you. I was sent to retrieve that chip.”

Joe broke character for a second. “Uh, there’s a sort of fight scene here, but they said to skip over it, so we’ll just continue on? Um, I think I beat you, and now I have you like this?” Joe spun you around and loosely put an arm around your neck in a one-armed sleeper hold.

In this position you knew that he could feel you swallow hard, but with your throat pinched in between his forearm and bicep, there wasn’t going to be a whole lot he wouldn’t feel from that area, so at least you had an excuse.

“Listen here, corporation bitch,” he spit, surprising you with his sudden transformation back into his character, “I’m going to give you an ultimatum. You either get the hell out of my house or I’m going to slice your throat into ribbons.”

“Big talk for a man who hasn’t done anything yet about the killer in his home.”

Joe grabbed a pencil from his back pocket that he had put in earlier – a makeshift knife – and dragged it across your cheek, lips twisting into a forced smile.

“You think I’m playing some sort of game?”

“I’ve been playing games with you since the beginning, I’ve just been waiting for you to play along.”

“Is that what you want?” Joe asked, spinning you around again and backing you up against the wall, his breath against your ear, continuing his trail of the ‘knife’ against your skin. “You want me to play along?”

You swallowed thickly, widening your eyes and breath becoming shallower. You were just a really good actor, of course, none of these reactions were actually real.

“I’m glad you’ve finally joined the program, Mr. Adams.”

“I’ve joined nothing of yours. And I never will. This is my game. My program. And if you want to play then you’ll play by my rules,” he ground out, almost cruelly, like he knew he had you in the palm of his hand. Everything about him was tense with rage and retribution from his fiery glare to his white-knuckled grip that he had on your shirt.

“Anything,” you breathed.

Your noses were almost touching and your breaths were shared between the minimal space between your lips.

“You think you can come here after killing the people I care about and what? What do you want if it isn’t the tech? I’m not supposed to believe that you’re such a whore you’d screw me without anything in return, am I?”

You let out a breathy chuckle. “I’m certain that I would get something in return, wouldn’t I, Mr. Adams?”

Joe pressed you only fractionally harder against the wall as not to hurt you, a slip of the real Joe in the midst of his character.

“You’ve got some nerve, you know that?” As impossible as it seemed, he leaned in closer, but still your lips didn’t touch.

There was a charged pause, which Joe broke by letting go of your shirt and stepping back, laughing awkwardly. “Well, that’s where we end, I guess.”

“Yeah, I guess,” you repeated, clearing your throat and cursing the rough quality that the sentence had contained. “Again?”

Joe puffed out a breath, nodding. “Yeah.”

It was your regular routine to go over the script multiple times, except each time you changed the way you portrayed your character to help him acclimate to possible ways other actresses might play the character.

“What’s this movie about, anyways?”

“You’re actually playing the lead character. She’s an assassin retrieval person for this bad corporation but she wants out and my character is like, kind of the antagonist as first because she’s messed with him and his life a lot and he doesn’t like her for that, but ends up helping her in the end. Of course there’s more to the story than that, betrayals and almost deaths and things. I think this scene is one before she turns good and she’s just using sex appeal and passion to get the tech my character has.”

“Nice.”

Joe laughs. “Yeah, for you. I’m just the poor fella who keeps getting duped. The poor guy just can’t catch a break.”

“He doesn’t seem all too logical to be honest. I mean who would actually sleep with their enemy?”

“I mean hey, when the urge strikes,” Joe grinned, anticipating your punch to the arm.

“Keep it in your pants, it’s not that hard.” Joe wiggled his eyebrows at that and you gave him another punch, although you laughed at the unintentional innuendo.

“Okay, ready to go again?”

“Bring it.”

The two of you went over the scene for another two hours, trying out different methods and getting more and more into character. By the time you had both agreed one last time before calling a night, Joe had a comfortable grip on his character and was more natural in his line delivery and actions.

This being said, it meant that he was no longer acting as though you were a china doll, and his grip got tighter and his tone got nastier. You could almost believe that he hated you to the point of crazed, impassioned, yet reluctant attraction.

He had his forearm pressing your clavicle, and in turn your torso, harshly against the wall, yet again. “You think you can come here after killing the people I care about and what? What do you want if it isn’t the tech? I’m not supposed to believe that you’re such a whore you’d screw me without anything in return, am I?”

You gasped in a strained chuckle, as if out of breath and lustful. “I’m certain that I would get something in return, wouldn’t I, Mr. Adams?”

“You’ve got some nerve, you know that?”

It was at this point that you expected him to step away just as he had been doing, but the atmosphere had shifted in the two hours you had been rehearsing. The droplet of sweat beaded at your temple wasn’t from physical activity, and his pupils had been steadily expanding each time he manhandled you against the wall.

“Um—” You swallowed, unsure of how you wanted to end that sentence.

“Yeah,” Joe breathed out. His eyes dropped to your lips and you felt your heart beating frantically against his arm, which was still pressed across your chest, pinning you to the wall.

You swallowed again. “Are you – um – are you sure that you don’t want to practice the scene just once more?”

“No,” he said softly, eyes not leaving your lips, tongue peeking out to wet his own. “Are you sure you can’t help me practice the next part?” He flicked his eyes up to yours briefly, not letting you look away, needing to make sure what he was about to do was okay with you.

“I think I can spare a few minutes of my time.”

As soon as the confirmation left your mouth, he replaced the words with his lips. His arm lifted off your chest and his hands rose to cup your jaw, gently pulling your face to his and eliminating any space that had been left during the scene (aka, not much).

And although his actions were soft, the kiss was anything but. He kissed you with a passion that made you dizzy – though you weren’t sure if it was the passion or lack of oxygen. He pulled away and you both drew in a breath, but before you had time to ask questions, Joe was kissing you again, his hands roving from your jaw to your shoulders to your waist to your hips. His kisses were hungry, and you were giving as much as you were getting, but there was a niggling voice in the back of your head flashing red warning signs of “stop now or forever regret this.”

You tried to ignore it for as long as you could, but when Joe’s lips started kissing down your neck and his body pressed you even harder into the drywall behind you, you knew you had to stop and regroup.

Gently, you pressed your hands against his chest. “Joe,” you whispered into his ear, “Joe, I don’t think the making out against the wall part of the scene was this long.”

“You’re right, they moved to the bedroom much faster,” he panted against your shoulder. “But I’m getting the feeling that you’re not going to help me practice that part of the scene today.”

“Simply astute, my dear Sherlock,” you joked, trying to alleviate the thick tension that still shrouded the two of you. “Is it just me or is it incredibly warm?”

“It’s not just you, I’m pretty sure it was the both of us. Rude.” You giggled and pushed him away from you, sliding down the wall and patting the floor beside you.

“Pop a squat, I think this is one of those things you’re supposed to talk about with your best friend.”

“What, gossip time? Alright then,” he said, sitting down and rolling his head to face you. “So you’ll never believe this, and don’t laugh at me when I tell you because I might just cry and have to gorge myself in Ben and Jerry’s –”

“Even though you’re lactose intolerant,” you interrupted.

“—Yes, even though I’m lactose intolerant. But anyways, you’ll never believe it, but I finally got the courage to kiss the woman I’ve wanted to for a long time today. It was pretty hot, if I do say so myself.”

Your lips parted on another snarky reply when you registered what he had said.

“Wait, what?”

Joe swallowed, but he had already gone this far. “What? I thought kissing your crush was the thing you were supposed to talk about with your best friend.”

“I mean it is, but – Joe what – I don’t understand,” you spluttered.

Joe grasped you by your shoulders and looked you dead in the eyes. “I like you. You are simultaneously my best friend and my crush, as juvenile as that sounds, and the opportunity presented itself and I kissed you and I liked it and I like you even more and I want to kiss you again but I won’t until you say that I can but fuck, y/n, I’ve never wanted to kiss someone again so badly in my entire life and if you don’t say that I can soon I’m going to have to excuse myself to go home and bash my head into the tiles of my bathroom while I take a cold shower –”

“I can’t very well say anything if you keep rambling, Joe.”

“Right. Yes, rambling, right, I won’t do that anymore.”

“I had no idea that you liked me. That’s insane.”

“Like, a ‘wow seeing that singer in person was insane’ or a ‘wow I can’t believe my best friend has been perving on me for the last five years, he’s insane’? Because those are two vastly different kinds of insane and I would really rather be the first.”

You rolled your eyes and shook your head. “Joseph Mazzello, I’ve been trying to deny my feelings for you since about three months after I met you. It’s definitely a good kind of insane.”

Joe’s face lit up. “Wait, you like me too? Really?”

“Really really,” you said, grinning back.

“Does that mean I can kiss you again? Because I think I really need the practice, you know, for the audition.”

“That means you can kiss me again and again and take it from me,” you breathed with a smirk, fingers tugging his collar so that your lips brushed against his with your next words, “you don’t have anything to worry about.”

[honey-bri-books]

Halloween 2019: CasDeanSam

Fluff. Random little SPN fan fic. Location: The Bunker (again). Just really love that set. ***If they lose that place in Season 15, I’ll cry for weeks. It would be like when Mxxxxx’s office was set on fire in the X-xxxxs**** 

SAM: Seriously, Dean. NO! Sam has his feet propped up on the table. Dean has a Red Hood mask on, and a pillow case in his hand (and a knife up his sleeve, and a gun in his left pant leg, just in case). I can’t believe he really thinks we’re going to pass for high school students, trick or treating. It was like that episode of Friends where Joey thought he could audition for the role of a teenager. 

DEAN: C’mon Man. Halloween!!! You promised, last year...

SAM: No, you told me/didn’t ask me about what I wanted, as far as celebrating tonight, and I kept saying the same thing over and over....NO!!! Sam has his lap top open. Trying to find a case that involved a real monster, not some drunk loser in a mask with a rubber knife. Dean keeps pressing, but Sam keeps shaking his head ‘No.’ 

There is a whiny, rusting, creaking noise from above (Gotta get that thing greased, Dean thinks to himself). Castiel enters the bunker. He’s covered in blood. Dean and Sam start. 

SAM: Cas! What the hell happened!? Are you okay?!

DEAN: Did you get the beer? Both Sam and Castiel look at Dean in exasperation. Castiel makes his way downstairs and Sam immediately goes to him, reaching out a hand to help support him, not knowing how badly Castiel’s hurt. Dean of course, keeping his distance, unsure. Castiel touches Sam’s arm lightly and goes to the table. He pulls out a chair and plops down.

CASTIEL: No, Dean. I didn’t. I got side-tracked....by zombies. Again. Though, I really think from a technical standpoint, they ought to be called...

DEAN: Yeah, whatever. So, are you alright? (There’s genuine concern in his voice now). He and Sam sit down again, figuring there was nothing that they could really do for Cas when he was beat down, like this. His vessel would re-charge and clean itself off, overnight. You’re a mess.

CASTIEL: Thank you Dean. He closes his eyes. It was closer to home, this time. Even with the wardings, I worry about...

DEAN: Whatever, we’ve been over this. Sam’s rigged it so that no one gets near the place without us knowing. Castiel looks up at Dean, confused. 

CASTIEL: Forgive me for doubting either of you, but you both seemed surprised by my appearance when I entered, just now. Like you weren’t expecting me. Is it even working the way it should? How was I able to enter the bunker without either of you being alerted? I’m not as powerful as I used to be, but wouldn’t an angel raise some sort of alarm?

DEAN: That’s different. Your face is scanned into the system, or some crap like that. You can exit and enter whenever you want, like Sam and Me. Sam tries clearing his throat. Castiel turns to look at him, now.

CASTIEL: My face is scanned in? Sam blushes.

SAM: Uh, yeah. So, you know how there have been multiple attacks on the bunker by demons, lately? Castiel leans back in his seat and folds his arms. Well, er...we decided that it might be better if we acted like the warding doesn’t even exist, since it keeps failing on us randomly. Cas tilts his head. So, we set up a security system where those who want access...

DEAN: We scanned your face after you got blasted on that ghost hunt last week. You know, after you had passed out. By the way (to Sam) I can’t believe you managed to shoot Cas, again..The ghost you were aiming for was miles away from him.Sam glares at his brother. Cas sits up

CASTIEL: What?! Why didn't you just ask me?

SAM: We wanted to....I wanted to. But you know you still have an aversion to certain electronic devices. It was easier just to...

CASTIEL: Sam! Seriously? I thought you and I were agreed that....

Castiel is cut off by a flash of red lights, and the sound of an alarm going off. The back-up lights turn on and the screens light up, on the security monitors. Sam opens up his lap top again, and clicks on an icon that’s blinking. It opens up to show the front entrance of the bunker, from the outside. There are three darkly cloaked objects, with distorted faces approaching the door. One appears to be holding a staff, of sorts. 

DEAN: What is it?

SAM: I don’t know. They almost look like those things we wiped out in Michigan, last month. He reaches under the table, un-latches one of the spare guns, and moves towards the stairs. Castiel wields his angel blade and Dean slips his demon knife out of his sleeve, like Cas taught him to. The three move up the stairs quickly. They brace themselves, look at each other knowingly and Dean opens the door.

DEAN: Freeze Freaks!...Wha.. Three painted children’s faces look up at him calmly. They’re wearing Walgreen’s-bought costumes and all dressed like Darth Maul. One has a staff and a pumpkin trick-or-treat basket. The other two have giant pillow cases. 

Kid #1: Hey Cool! You’re the Red Hood! Awesome! And you’re Constantine! And you’re...(considering Sam) the Brawny Man! But you’re wearing the wrong color. He wears a RED plaid shirt, not blue! Sam hurries to put his gun behind his back.

SAM: Um, what? He and Castiel look at each other.

Kids: Trick or Treat! They hold out their basket and bags, eagerly. Dean shakes his head. 

DEAN: Nope, er um. He-he...Uh, We don’t exactly have...

CASTIEL: Wait here, please. He quickly disappears down the stairs and into the kitchen. The kids lower their arms and look just as confused as Dean and Sam. Dean lowers the knife and tries to hide it. 

Kid #2: Hey! Why don’t you keep your candy by the door, like all the other houses do? Sam runs a hand through his hair. 

SAM: Well, actually...we weren’t participating with Halloween this year...In fact, I remember putting up a sign down the drive.. Castiel arrives back at the top of the stairs with a bag from the local market. Dean raises an eyebrow at him. The children beam when they see Castiel reach inside to pull out three full-size candy bars. 

Kid # 3: WOW! The expensive stuff, too! They each accept a candy bar and say thank you, in unison. Dean stares at Cas with a little admiration, but also questioningly. Of the three of them to be prepared for this sort of scenario...Cas looks up at him, sadly. ‘Jack’ he mouths. Dean feels a pit rise up in his stomach. Oh. He remembered the kid had a thing for nougat. Castiel had never failed to keep the kitchen stocked for him. Sam continues to shake his head. 

SAM: Hey, wait! The kids turn to look at him. They are half way up the stairs to the street level, so Sam has to step outside. I know I put up a sign saying we weren’t giving out candy. Why did you come to our door? One kid looks surprised.

Kid #1: The decorations.

SAM: What decorations? 

Kid #3: The DECORATIONS. Halloween stuff in your yard. We thought the sign was fake, like the bodies up there. He points to the railing. Dean, Sam, and Cas follow the kids up the stairs to see what they’re talking about. When Sam and Dean see the “decorations”, they pale. About ten zombie corpses lie scattered all over the grass and dirt road, decapitated, their heads separated from their bodies. The moon reflecting off of the splattered blood, gave the impression of light up decorations, or glitter. One kid walks over to one of the heads and picks it up...

Kid #2: You have a LOOOOOTTT of these things. Can we keep one!? I want to hang it up in my bedroom...

SAM: Hey! Get away from that thing!!!

Kid #1: Ohhhh! I get it! That sign was the TRICK part, wasn’t it? Glad we came anyway.  Dean furrows his brows and then it’s his turn to look exasperated. He faces Castiel, waiting for it...

CASTIEL: Do you remember when I said that the fight happened closer to home, this time? Well, I should have specified...

DEAN: I got it, Cas! He’s a little frustrated, but then sees that Castiel is still holding the bag full of candy bars, and he melts. Sighing, Dean pulls Cas in for a hug. For the first time, Cas doesn’t stiffen, doesn’t hesitate...he’s been through too much. Losing Jack had left him more vulnerable than Dean has ever seen him. Cas drops the bag and wraps both arms around Dean’s waist, closing his eyes. Dean kisses the top of Castiel’s head. 

They both look up and smile sadly, watching Sam chase the kid with the zombie head clutched in his hand. The kids think that Sam is just joking around with them, and are laughing with glee. A couple of adults standing next to the impala parked outside (the children’s parents) laugh too, and take out their phones to film their kids and the Brawny man. One looks at his watch and calls out to his son..

Parent: Jack! That’s not yours. Give it back so we can head to the next house!

The smile fades from Castiel’s face. The tears falling down his cheeks gleam like silver, with the light of the moon. Dean takes Cas by the shoulders and turns back towards the bunker, keeping an arm around Cas as they descend the stairs to the front door. Castiel sighs heavily and leans against Dean, for support. Dean kisses his temple.

DEAN: Happy Halloween, Castiel.

[mariellawinters]

HOLA !  i’m frankie ,  22 years old ,  residing in the central time zone ,  and go by the female pronouns .  i’m SO thrilled to be a part of this group !  i don’t know what else to say except for the fact that i haven’t roleplayed in about 4 months ,  so i apologize in advance for being rather slow in the process .  however , i’ll try my very best to share as many details with you about my girl , MARIËLLA , as possible . (  i would’ve had a statistics page ready but didn’t expect the rp to open suddenly ,  so i tried my best to give as much info & perhaps a bit too much lol but please plot with me/mariëlla   ;  also , thanks for reading !  )  .  ♡

･:*:･ﾟ☆ ( jessica chastain. forty two. cisfemale. she/her. )  ↷ ( mariëlla t. winters ) has been spotted by the paparazzi in los angeles. they are an ( a ) list celebrity known for their career as an ( actress ). they’re known by their fans to be ( easygoing, meticulous & zealous ) but the tabloids frequently portray them to be ( anxious, enigmatic, & introverted ). i wish them every success in the entertainment industry. ･:*:･ﾟ☆

full name:  mariëlla tatiana winters

nickname(s):  mari, maya, ella

age:  forty-two  (  42  ) .

birthdate:  november 25th, 1975 .

sexual orientation:  bisexual .

occupation:  actress / film producer / writer .

mariëlla was born to dutch-american parents, and raised, in washington, d.c. winters didn’t come from a privileged, wealthy family. her parents, constantin & thea, traveled and practically chose to live their new life in america and to start a family. in the years to come, her older brother, mariëlla, and their younger sister/daughter were born and they couldn't have been more delighted with their family of five.

she grew to have become very family-oriented because of her family, and extended family in the netherlands / holland.  which included traveling to visit them during the holidays, or every chance they could possibly get to do so if and whenever they had the money. her parents were hard-working, hence rarely having the chance to travel to europe and could only send 1, or two, of their children to stay with their relatives. but they wouldn't have changed it for anything else as long as they knew their dutch heritage, and they worked hard for almost just that.

although having hard-working parents, they both dedicated one hundred % of their time for family whenever they weren’t working. they raised / taught their children by acknowledging humility, recognizing their own weaknesses, & that it was okay to be the best that they can be  —  as well as having the FREEDOM of deciding who they wanted to be, the path they wanted to take; old enough to make their own decisions as a legal adult, basically.  * which is how mariëlla chose to raise her kids and thanks her parents for setting an example when she was growing up; passing it on as a mom herself, hoping that it works out smoothly and parenting as best she can.

when she was in middle & high school, she gained a keen interest in acting because of the plays, musicals, and whatnot. the more she got herself involved in them and at a local theater, the reason she instantly made her decision of becoming an ACTRESS became clearer. she set her mind to it, looking forward to the day she’d graduate and study film & drama at the univeristy of south california in los angeles. if anyone asked personally, it was the best decision she ever made; she would completely agree and tell you herself with pride and joy.

she always tried her best, and somehow, did explicitly well in school because she forced herself. even if she wasn’t too bad of a student, mariëlla struggled/stressed out easily, as she tends to be somewhat of a perfectionist still & almost everything had to be organized and in order. fast forward to 4 years later & as a ucla graduate; ëlla has graduated as a student that was given opportunities to act onscreen when she was in school studying. as weirdly as it might sound, taking into consideration mariëlla’s chosen profession, is incredibly meticulous when it comes to auditioning for a role and be given the job for said character.

she spends a lot of her time and energy by supporting a lot of what she believes in and whatnot. she is quite often a zealous worker for charity and brings attention to causes, et cetera. i find it better to describe as a passionate artist/actress but most importantly: a human being with a lot of compassion towards the less fortunate and will likely pay for something rather expensive— i.e. an engagement ring for a couple, anonymously  (  what paul w*lker did for a couple without revealing his identity; true story  ) . mariëlla does show a very unselfish concern for the well-being of others & it’s obvious; altruistic; even if people don’t like it or might think it’s invasive. that is never her intention; will know when to back off though. but does genuinely care a lot about others; is someone that puts the needs of another person before her own without questioning it. all in all, an easygoing humanitarian and philanthropist.

people might think it’s a bit concerning, but she can be quite stubborn as well when it comes to certain things. she means well though. don’t mind her sometimes. unless it’s for her own good or regarding anything job-wise. over the years, she has become very anxious. she believes it’s because of all the stress and the overwhelming, hectic schedule of tour promotions and whatnot. she’s committed to them but by popping a little pill called xanax. she can control her anxiety but there are days when she cannot and it’s not pretty. hence why she is her - introverted - self at times, but in the public eye is seen as an enigmatic soul. she has her reasons.

the only reason why she is hard to interpret in the public eye, especially the media, is because she only wants her close family and friends to know who she truly is behind closed doors. she could care less about the rumors that are being said about her, but it won’t mean that her anxiety won’t get to the best of her. it’ll eat ëlla up alive but will not make that obvious, of course, as she perseveres through her struggle with anxiety. it’s a bitch.

genuinely believes in “money doesn’t buy happiness.” as an a-list celebrity, she has a difficult time understanding it and ends up contemplating if it’s all really worth it ..... if she deserves the success she’s had throughout her career ? don’t get mariëlla wrong but is sometimes self-critical of herself and will not allow any special treatment. she’s an odd one but grateful at the same time. this messy business can be quite fickle and doesn’t want to disappoint anyone with her performances.

ever since she became a mom, mari grew to being quite nurturing. growing up she’d be the type of person to lean away when being hugged and avoid friendly kisses but as time passed on, she grew out of that. the love she has for her kids, she has a big heart and loves the heck out of anybody that would show her any affection, because she will definitely give it in return to anyone that needs it.

she won’t consider taking anyone’s  “ side ”  whenever it gets to that chance/point in time— neutral— like, she is on the fence about/doesn’t know a lot about politics and religion. she will sometimes avoid conversing of such but is open to talking. she is not that close-minded and hopes to not seem that way. either way, she isn’t very judgy and will only give out advice; straightforward and honest opinions if asked.

prefers to give rather than receive, although she’s grateful for such intentions and will gladly keep whatever present is given. she is NOT materialistic but loves doing some shopping often; controls herself by setting a budget on how much she could possibly spend and save.  yes, that’s how organized she is. her inner monica geller but not to the extent, of course. she thinks she gives the best whatever gift she finds and won’t brag about having the money either. enjoys the holidays  ….. — -  this was supposed be an attempt at writing a couple of headcanons, but i’ve obviously failed ?  yikes !  i’m just babbling at this point because i wanna get this posted. and it’s posted now.

this turned out to be a HUGE mess but i hope this introduction helps to plot. please like this post, or hmu if you’d be interested in plotting something out or anything. again, thanks for reading ! i know it’s a bit rambly but i’ve tried. i do have a lot of muse, don’t get me wrong. its been too long, honestly. i’ll message and read all of your intros. pretty much catch up with the ones that have been posted since i’ve been gone.

[meginoi]

I Dare You To Walk Away - Prinxiety Fanfiction

Thank you to the amazing @soulydyingalone for beta-ing this fic for me!     Another human AU but this time with a bit more angst. Also on my AO3 of the same name.

Summary: Roman and Ann are the power couple. But they can’t withstand everything

Word count: 1832

Five years, where had it gone? Ann swore he remembered it like it was last week, but no, simply put the five blissful years had just slipped by. Ann remembered when he had first laid eyes on him, after all, it was hard not to. Never before had Ann seen someone as breath-takingly beautiful. It had been his first week of Uni, most commonly known as ‘Fresher’s Week’. Unlike the other 95% of students, Ann decided he’d rather not partake in the rowdy drunkenness they called a party. Nope, that wasn’t his speed at all. He had decided to go to one of the many coffee shops on the campus when he first laid eyes on the attractive stranger.

He had almost spilled his coffee down his shirt when going to take another sip. He couldn’t help staring at the other as he walked. He was beautiful, well he still is; Ann’s opinion on that hadn’t changed. His auburn tinted eyes and dark hair had been something Ann couldn’t stop thinking about for weeks. He had been handing out a neatly folded pile of flyers promoting some club Ann could no longer remember. At this moment, he had made probably one of the most nerve-wracking decisions of his life. Ann had shuffled over awkwardly (blushing like mad) and quickly took one of the flyers from him and speed-walked away. He was still blushing like mad by the time he’d gotten back to his dorm. But it was alright, he doubted he would even see the attractive stranger again. It was a big university after all.

Not long after, the fates seemed to have pulled a few strings as Ann ended up being properly introduced to the stranger, who he now knew as Roman, through a mutual friend of theirs. It seemed the fates had more plans as, in a few days after being introduced to one another, Ann found out that coincidentally they were living in the same hall. 

It was from that time onward they became inseparable, despite Roman studying performing arts and Ann studying psychology, they seemed to get on like a house on fire. A few months later and Roman (a blushing mumbling mess) decided to ask Ann out. It had been one of the best moments of the anxious boy’s life. Roman took him to the local park for a picnic and asked Ann to be his boyfriend, it had been the ending to a perfect day. They dated all the way through Uni. It was a perfect relationship to them, Roman was the peanut butter to his jelly. They complimented each other flawlessly. Roman was the more social of the two and slowly he was able to coerce Ann out of his hypothetical shell. Whereas Ann was the introverted one, he showed Ro that maybe partying every night wasn’t the only way to have fun. 

After Uni and many hours spent doing overtime, the two had managed to scrape together enough money to find a house. Sure, it wasn’t the fanciest house but for two adults in their early twenties currently swimming in student loans, it was perfect.  

Through Uni and after graduation, their friends had described them as being 'the model couple.’ There was always one every year, that year it was those two. You see, they sometimes fought but never had any major problems or bumps in the relationship. They lived happily for a year after graduating.

That was until a few months ago. Roman had suddenly started coming home later and later from rehearsals, which of course meant talking to Ann less and less and postponing dates until the other would just give up asking. He never questioned Ro but Ann wasn’t stupid, after all with a degree in Psychology, he knew enough about the human mind to piece together what was going on, he just refused to acknowledge it. In his opinion, it was the better alternative. The less painful alternative.  

The day Ann finally accepted it was the same day he got a message from Roman’s 'boyfriend’. A guy named 'Logan’ who claimed that if he didn’t stay away from 'his man’ he’d come and 'knock his teeth out’.  He carried on with a few more choice words and ended with the message with saying how Ro had 'left’ him months ago after they’d kissed one night after rehearsal. That probably hurt the most.

Ann didn’t reply deciding to go and sleep away any thoughts of the message instead. 

Once Ann had woken up, he sighed he had made a decision today was The Day. Today Ann would confront him about it. The cheating, the lying. The broken bond between them. He didn’t know how long he’s been living in blissful ignorance but he was sure he’d find out soon enough and it would all come crashing down.

Ann sat on the sofa, waiting for his 'boyfriend’ to come home from work. He clutched his phone with the message lighting up the screen in his right hand, the evidence ready to be used. Roman could have at least told him, but no, that would have been the honest thing to do. Ann knew what he had to do, they could never come back from this.

By the time the car pulled up it was dark and no doubt Roman would think he was probably fast asleep. But Ann waited, his phone gripped tightly. He took one long shaky breath in and waited. The car had shut down and there was now the rustling of keys.

Ann exhaled and blinked back a few tears. There was the soft click of the lock and a thump of a bag hitting the floor.   

Footsteps clicked across the linoleum.

Ann closed his eyes tight and hoped none of his accusations were true.

This was it.

“I dare you to walk away,”

Ann could feel Roman staring at him before he even opened his eyes to look up at the handsome face he had loved, that he still loved. Once he had opened his eyes, he was met with the auburn colored eyes that he’d grown to love, but this time instead of love and adoration they held a foreign stiffness. He was silent, his mouth was dry as he forgot about all of his accusations and stared harshly at the man in the doorway. The silence from the man standing was thick with tension and Ann had to avert his gaze so he could regain his resolve. If he looked back that those cruel eyes he feared he wouldn’t be able to go through with it.  

Ann took another breath through his nose as he waited for Roman to move or shout or anything to end this eerie silence.

But Roman didn’t move.

Ann moved his focus to the photos of him and Ro on the wall. He cleared his throat and whispered into the room “I know about everything.”

There was no answer.

Ann looked at one smiling photo of the two and gripped the phone tighter than before. “Go on leave. I dare you. I dare you to walk away from everything. Everything we planned. Everything we said. Go on, I dare you to leave everything we’ve built.”

Ann shuddered, feeling his resolve slowly crumbling and breaking around him. He stood, face streaming with fresh tears and faced Roman. He held the phone out in a vice-like grip.

He took a shaky breath and narrowed his eyes. “Go on. DO IT! According to him, you left months ago. SO LEAVE!”

“Y-you don’t understand,” Roman spluttered, not meeting the pale boy’s eyes.

“What else is there to understand, Roman? You cheated on me! It’s been made clear to me you no longer have feelings for me,” Ann spat out through gritted teeth, wiping a few tears away.

“I do love you though, Ann!” Roman’s voice was desperate. He tried to reach to Ann but the other pulled away, giving him a disgusted look.

“You’ve kissed him, right?! And you told him you were going to leave me?!” Ann screamed in anguish.

“That’s because…because,” He failed to come up with a coherent answer, the words seemed to have failed him. 

“Because it’s the truth,” Ann scoffed, throwing his arms up in defeat. “You know what? Get Out. While I can still stand to see your face.”

A look of shock and hurt fell onto Roman’s face. He stepped back and finally met Ann’s eyes, but would find no sympathy in them. “You don’t mean that,” Ro pleaded.

“Don’t I?” Ann questioned. 

It was not a question for Ro to answer. 

He attempted to reach out to Ann once more. Like he would be able to convince Ann otherwise if they touched. Ann took another wider step back than before. 

“You know, I think I’m as sure as you were when you told him you were going to leave me. Leave my home. Now.” He turned away, refusing to face Roman.

He may have been able to pluck up the strength to tell Roman to go but Ann knew if he watched him leave, watched him drive away he wouldn’t stop crying. 

However, rather than being met with the sound of footsteps or a car driving away he got a firm and defiant “No.” 

A beat of silence.

“This is my house too. You can’t just chuck me out of my own house and I’m not leaving until you let me explain.”

Ann spun back around in a rage. “Oh really? This is your house? Because I’m the one that pays the rent thanks to a steady job while you go off playing amateur make belief and going to what you say are professional auditions but barely ever getting cast!”

Tears fell down Roman’s face. “I never knew that’s how you felt,” he whispered. “I thought you supported me. You always said they were being stupid for not casting me.”

“Well maybe I was the stupid one,” Ann spat.

There was another tense moment of silence.

“Well, I won’t bother you anymore.”

Ann’s eyes widened in shock. He expected him to fight more. 

Ro walked towards him and gently pressed his lips to the other’s cheek. “Goodbye Ann,” Roman breathed next to his ear.

And with that, he left. Not looking back as he did.

A few seconds later and there was the slam of the front door followed by his car reversing out of the driveway. Ann blinked and quickly ran into the hallway as the car drove down the street. He collapsed onto the floor of the hallway. The silence had returned, emptiness replacing the tension that had been there mere moments before. His body shook with misery as he let himself sob and finally fall apart. 5 whole years, just gone. All the happy memories now bitter and unwanted. He stayed there for a full hour, just staring at the front door, waiting for something. Waiting for Roman to love him once more.

[miasswier]

miasswier’s ultimate glee ranking: no 94

94: I Am Unicorn

Written by: Ryan Murphy Directed by: Brad Falchuk

Overall Thoughts: Season three really didn’t get off to a good start, huh? Here we have Kurt being faced with a fun mix of homophobia and misogyny, from both his teachers and his friends, Quinn being told by several adults (and the father of her baby) that she really doesn’t matter, and the introduction of what is probably the absolute worst story Glee ever told.

What I Like:

Blaine is so goddamn cute in this episode. I seriously want to reach through my TV and pinch his cheeks.

The fact that Brittany and Burt both make it clear to Kurt that part of what’s awesome about him is the ways that he’s different. He shouldn’t hide himself because he doesn’t fit in with societies ideals. My favourite lines when talking about this are:

“I don’t want to just be Kurt Hummel, homo” “Wait, what’s wrong with that?”

“You know what a unicorn without a horn is called? A friggin horse.”

That sweet Brittana scene where Santana tells Brittany that she is the unicorn.

Emma going to bat for Kurt as Tony, even if she eventually gets overpowered.

Kurt ultimately deciding to embrace who he is, despite the fact that basically everyone (including his supposed best friend) thinks this doesn’t make him leading man material.

When Rachel says she’s too young to direct herself in West Side Story and Brittany goes “I hate you”

What I Don’t Like:

The way Coach Bieste and Artie talk about Kurt is completely unprofessional. The way they literally laugh him out of an audition is even worse. If I was Burt, I would have marched right back down to that school and demanded action be taken, because all of what happened there? That’s highkey homophobia, largely rooted in misogyny. And it’s all coming from people we are supposed to like and root for, one of whom is eventually revealed to be a gay man himself. Like, yikes. Major yikes.

Rachel laughing at Kurt almost hurts more than Bieste, Artie, and Emma doing so. She’s supposed to be his best friend. Can you imagine Mercedes laughing at Kurt the way Rachel did? Or even Brittany, or Tina? Because I can’t.

Artie asking Blaine to go out for Tony. Listen, I know that he was great as Tony and he killed “Something’s Coming”, but they still put him in the awkward position of having to compete against his boyfriend for a role that he purposefully didn’t try out for.

The fact that Kurt tried out with a Streisand song. Don’t get me wrong, I love that song, and I love that performance, but it wasn’t right for an audition for Tony, and everyone knew it. Glee did this purposefully, to set Kurt up for the homophobia and sexism he was going to be bombarded with. It’s frustrating, because we see Kurt doing Broadway songs traditionally sung by men, so it’s beyond clear that this was a purposeful move on Glee’s part to set Kurt up to fail. It makes me really mad.

I am frustrated by the Brittany running for president story, mainly because Brittany didn’t need that at all, and they literally forgot about it halfway through the season, whereas it could have made a big difference for Kurt (or, hey, maybe not seeing how the whole auditioning for NYADA thing turned out).

Rachel asking Finn to audition for Tony, particularly the way she worded it. She claims the slot for Tony is still “wide open” ie she has absolutely no doubt that Kurt is not going to receive the role. So not only was Kurt’s boyfriend asked to compete against him, but his brother was as well. I hate this show.

Just… everything about the Quinn/Puck/Shelby bullshit. I literally have no idea who came up with this idea and how the hell enough people said “yo this is a good idea” that it actually got put in as a major plot of the first eight episodes of this season, but it’s garbage, it’s all literal garbage, and every second dedicated to it makes my blood boil.

Will once again shows off his rage by yelling at a fucking underage girl who he knows full well is being manipulated by Sue. Quinn honestly gets bounced around by fucking adults in this episode, and none of them treat her the way she deserves to be treated. Shelby refuses to give her the same opportunity as Puck (even though Puck literally forced that opportunity onto himself, whereas Quinn had the decency to ask before seeing Beth) because she’s “a mess”, Sue uses Quinn as her pawn in a ridiculous anti-arts campaign, and Will literally tears into her, screams at her, and gets in her face to the point where I legitimately feel like he’s going to slap her. And then, to top it all off, he gets rewarded by the show for doing this by Becky Jackson going “That was so hot” like WHAT?! WHAT?!?!!?!?!?! W H A T?!?!?!?!!

West Side Story was the wrong musical to do for this school. I will talk about this more in my review of “The First Time” but seriously. I don’t know how the hell Glee thought it would be okay to tackle this musical with literally one Latinx character.

Songs:

Somewhere: They sound good, but this song is boring, and it just reminds me of how annoyed I am that Rachel played Maria.

I’m the Greatest Star: Like I’ve already said, I really love this performance and this cover (I like it a lot better than Rachel’s season five version), but it was the wrong choice for this audition and Glee knew that.

Something’s Coming: The best performance of the episode by far. Amazingly performed and sung. Just… A+. I could definitely see Darren Criss actually playing Tony at some point in his career.

Final Thoughts: I recently re-watched this episode after the re-watch during which I made this ranking, and I moved it down a TON. This episode sucks. I always think “Oh, but it has the awesome Kurt/Brittany story!” and as much as I enjoy their scenes together, the whole point of it is to further tear Kurt down and set him up for nothing going his way this year. I just… God. This is not a good episode.

masterpost

[aviewthroughtheclouds-blog]

deciding to go into debt  (let’s talk college)

Let me preface this entire post by saying I’m going to be a freshman in the upcoming fall!!! I am no way an expert of any sort, but I’m just going to talk about my experience so far, my fears, and anything else of my mind. 

As a tribute to the fact that in less than one month I’ll be in San Francisco starting my college experience let me tell y’all about my experience with colleges so far

Applying                                                                                                             I started working on my college applications during the fall of 2016. It was scary hard-work for me; as a bit of a perfectionist, I wanted every single essay and short answer to grant me admission. I tried to be realistic where I applied, I only scored a 1210 (out of 1600 I think?) on my SAT and a 27 on my ACT, so I knew that I didn’t have any chance at Ivys, not that they interested me much anyways. I had good grades, great extracurriculars - I’m very proud of my resume and the things I do - and I focused largely on two school choices. Reed College (Portland,OR) and Tulane (New Orleans,LA). I’ve known I wanted to go out of state for school and wanted to join a dance program with a college that wasn’t audition based. Fast forward a bit, I really had my heart set on those two schools, but didn’t get into Tulane and was wait listed at Reed. Buuuuut, I applied to University of San Francisco (and a few other schools) early action - so by November - was accepted on Christmas eve, but didn’t fully consider it until I got my financial aid package and looked more into their dance program. 

USF (ca) - no, the other USF                             ��                                                   ^ that’s a joke you’ll understand if you go to university of san fran      The irony of my school choice is that when I put down my deposit I honestly had no clue what a perfect choice this school seems for me. I haven’t been on campus yet, but SF is one of my favorite cities (below is a candid photo of my brother and I in front of the Golden Gate Bridge). usfca provides the small school and liberal arts experience I want from college, while being located in a large urban area far, far away from small town, TX.    I’m a performing arts and social justice major (PASJ) with a concentration in dance. Basically, this means that while I’m a dance major, it’s less about performance and more about what our art form can do.                               To quote a good source - my campus website LOL - this is a summary of the program I’m in -> “We care as much about the creative process as the performance... PASJ educates and inspires artist-activists through studio work, community engaged projects, and research seminars that connect academic theory to practice. The content of the choreography, the themes in our theater, the sounds of our music, and the ways we collaborate with community members are how we explore and suggest new approaches to the important civic issues of our time”                                                         San Francisco is also the second largest dance community in the US, which is SO COOL and super important to me for job opportunities. I decided I could major in dance if I was living somewhere that can actually have the opportunity to facilitate moving into a career, and I feel like I do!                      I’m also really pumped that I get to start working on classes that go towards my major starting in the fall of my freshman year (YAY)!!!!                                 I can’t speak much about campus life or dorming or any of that yet because I’m not there, but I can say that coming this fall I’ll be living in a triple (three of us in total in one room) the size of a shed with only two closets... yet somehow I’m really excited LOL. Also, sf is super liberal so that’ll be a breath of fresh air? :-)

Fall Class Load                                                                                                 In case you’re curious to what I’ll be taking this fall and so I can see this in twenty years... I’ll be taking 17 hours in the fall in total (see below)  

Intermediate Ballet Dance - technique course Beginning Modern Dance - technique course Intro to Ballroom, Latin, and Swing Dance - technique Production & Design - A tech theatre class  Dance and Social History - this class is going to warm my heart I’m so hype for it already Rhet 110 - the only university writing course I couldn’t test out of First Year Seminar: The Human Animal - a 16 student class that counts for my philosophy credit that includes excursions into the city and *insert other university sponsored propaganda here*... Basically the class is supposed to be about the philosophy about animal ethics, what makes humans humans and not animals, where do we draw the distinction, all of that good stuff :-)                                                                                  

Money                                                                                                              A large part of my motivation for choosing usf has been the financial aid package I’ve received. Maybe it sounds stupid, but with how much money my school offered me they really made me feel wanted, like I’d be valued on the campus? My pride and ego being set aside I did receive the largest financial aid offer from usf than from any other school, and while talking about money can be weird, here’s the sich...                                                     In total for my tuition, room, and board usf is estimated at $58,600 a year, which is pretty standard for a private school.                                                    In my first financial aid offer which I received in feb I think, I was awarded $48,900 a year!!! I got the Dean’s honor scholarship, which is $22,000 a year and a grant for $17,000. The rest is made up of federal loans with work study allocation up to $4,200 a year. This was an incredible offer and I actual started crying when I opened the envelope and read it. I’ve known for a while that I was going to take out loans for college, because it’s an investment in myself and my future, but this honestly helped take some of the pressure off.                                                                                                  In May, I appealed my financial aid offer - not because I wasn’t grateful for all this school has decided to invest me in - but because of the whole mess of parent financial situation. My appeal was approved (HELL YEAH!!) and I actually ended up receiving an extra $3,000 in grant money a year.                 So taking out my first loan the other day totally sucked and I got a 9.85% interest rate, but it ends up that I’m only paying $9,016 a year - and that’s with an extra $500 each semester to cover expenses.

My Fears                                                                                                           If for some ungodly reason anyone but me is still reading this, my “fears” about college largely boils down to one thing.                                                   If I fail, it’s my fault. And maybe this sounds stupid, but I’m most afraid of failing myself. There’s no one else to blame but me if I can’t make it happen. I take responsibility for my failure or success or somewhere in between. I don’t have a fallback option - I can’t just run home. If I do fail, I’m the one who’s going to figure out how to get back on my feet and find my next move. So maybe in a nut shell, I guess I’m afraid of not having a safety net - which is a large part of adulthood. Maybe I’m afraid of the initial idea of adulting...

BUT I’m not planning on letting my (main) fear stop me from going, because that would be stupid. It’s time to grow the hell up and join the adult world whether I like it or not LOL. 

Parting Thoughts                                                                                   Harold Whitman once wrote: “Don’t ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”  Turning my dream of going to college and pursuing what I love into a reality less than a month makes my heart beat with excitement. No matter what happens, I’m going to figure it out along the way and hopefully have some fun doing it. :-)

Thank y’all for reading!!! This felt so good to write. Below is a picture of my brother and I the first time we visited SF (I was 14 oh god) :-)                                                                          

[tsukuyomi-chan]

Bleeding on Beds of Flowers Chapter 4

Okay so AP Exams happened and then the end of high school happened and somehow in the midle of all that I completely forgot to update this fic but now that I remember here’s the next chapter!  And the next two will be up soon!

(Chapter 1 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 5)

Chapter 4: One by One, the Seasons Die

It hurts.

Luna grips the side of the wastebasket so hard her knuckles go white as her lungs try their best to push  the petals in her airway out and her throat burns as she watches petals and flowers fall , her stomach burns and her eyes burn and she thinks she’s crying as an entire carnation slips off her tongue, and she idly wonders if the colour is getting darker than before, that she was pretty sure the petals were a lighter red than they are now, and she faintly wonders if they’re getting stained with her blood before she coughs up another onslaught until her sides hurt so much it feels like they might cave in.

But this doesn’t begin to compare to Am’s pain for the past eight years.

She doesn’t know how much longer her body will hold out.  She doesn’t know how much longer she can keep this up.  But as long as she’s still breathing, she’s not going to be a burden.  She’s going to be someone.  She’s going to exist in other people.

Once she dies, maybe Am will remember her.

The fifth G-Quest finishes up, and Luna can feel the roots of carnations digging deep into her heart and lungs and her breathing’s always strained.  Luna sits in Enishi’s office again, and even he seems tired from all the work they’ve been dealing with.  But today wasn’t about work.  It was about the potential surgery.

Luna had looked up reviews and experiences of others with the disease online.  Some had tales of recovering after growing out of their feelings, just like how Naoki had described.  Most had described the surgery as painless and successful.  Every single one of them said the same thing: that they couldn’t remember how they had even contracted the disease in the first place afterwards.  That it was difficult readjusting to life after having a large gap in memories that spanned from a month to years, depending on the person, but they kept living on with no recollection of those missing feelings.

Luna thinks of Tokoha, fierce and strong, but also kind and understanding.  She thinks of Shion, calm and tactical but brave all the same.  She thinks of Chrono, headstrong and determined and always charging forward.  She thinks of Kumi, airy and light and cheerful.  She thinks of Naoki and Shingo, grown adults but still happy and childlike.  She thinks of Enishi, still cold and commanding even now, but brings them hot chocolate after performances for a job well done.  She thinks of Harri, her deck, the Pale Moon Circus, and how much vanguard is a part of her life now.

Luna thinks of Am, who she had first seen a video of online announcing tryouts, and immediately rushed off to audition like every other girl in the country, failed miserably, but somehow still ended up meeting the girl the next day.  She thinks of their early days, when all Luna did was fail, trip, mess up, and apologize on cycle, and every single time Am would stay calm, turn to her, tell her to make it up with actions instead of words, and make things work out.  She thinks of awkward nights reading forums and studying cards, sneaking out for quests, going to Card Capital 2 to learn how to play all so Am would be proud.  She thinks of Am’s precious mitten, so tiny and fragile, and how hard Am clung to it in hopes that nothing else would break.

She thinks of Am onstage, the only time when Am was free, and bared her heart to share with the world.

She thinks of Am laughing and grinning as they took dumb pictures together and ate cream puffs.

She thinks of Am, sitting alone in the corner of the studio, clutching her mitten and trying not to let the cold bother her.

She thinks of Am’s hug that afternoon at Dragon Empire, that Am was indeed human.

She thinks of Am’s hand, trembling and tight as it tried to hold onto any bit of warmth she could gather.

She thinks of Am’s love, poured so deeply into that mitten and into every performance they dance, evident in Am’s work ethic and Am’s happy cheers and Am’s cardfights and Am’s words.

She thinks of nights spent plucking petals off a carnation she coughed up, wondering if Am could save some love for her as well.

She thinks of a mundane life, wearing the same uniform, going to the same classrooms, having the same conversations, feeling no emotions, with nothing ever changing.  She had never felt happy, overjoyed, cheerful, sad, frustrated, tired, energetic, scared, strong, angry, determined before Am became a part of her life.  She would have never discovered how much she had inside her if she had never met Am.

She thinks of every red petal strewn and scattered across Japan, grown in her lungs off of her love for Am these past two months.  Her feelings were real, more real and tangible than anything she had ever experienced before.  That meant something, at least to her.

“Have you decided on a surgery date?”  Enishi asks, as casually as he can manage.

“Enishi-san,” Luna says.  “I’d rather die as Yumizuki Luna than live on as someone else.”

Enishi looks surprised, then averts his eyes with a guilty expression.  “I’m sorry.”  He says.  “You didn’t deserve to have it end like this.”

Luna shakes her head.  “These last two months were the best months of my life.  If Yumizuki Luna is going to die either way, I want my last moments to mean something.  I want to help Am.”

Enishi’s finger on the desk twitches, and he pushes his lips together as if troubled with the idea.  He opens his mouth, hesitates, then takes a deep breath.

“Have you ever heard of the Stride Gate?”

Luna thinks she should be mad.  She thinks anyone in their right mind would be mad.  But she doesn’t have the strength to blame Enishi or the Vanguard Association for using her, and Am was the one who chose to be used by them in the first place.  All for the sake of a perfect future, where everyone would be happy and Am would have her parents again.

“You two both have the potential to be the Peacemaker needed for triggering the Stride Gate to open.  But we’ve been powering the system so far using Chouno Am, and we haven’t tested it at all with you yet.”  Enishi said.  “It’ll take some time to readjust the system to accept your Stride Force instead.  As well, we’ve been powering it every three days, since it takes such a high toil on Chouno Am’s body.  But your current Stride Force readings have been considerably higher than hers for the past month, so we could adjust.  It all depends on the test runs however.”

He shuffled through some papers, and handed Luna a paper with an address and map printed on it.  “Come to here tomorrow night.  We can do the test run then.  It’ll be tough.”

“That’s fine.”  Luna said.

“To completely open the Stride Gate, the Peacemaker would have to give all of their Stride Force, and their life to the gate.  You will cease to exist for the sake of the perfect future.”

“I’m already dying, Enishi-san.  If I can make everyone happy in the process, that just makes everything seem so much better.”  Luna admits.

The sixth G-Quest has her participating with Am as a team instead.  She watches Am try her best to beat every single enemy in their way, and it dawns on her that Am is still trying to take on everything by herself.  She doesn’t want to be outdone, and it’s Chrono who’s waiting at the top of the tower for her.

Chrono is strong, as expected from the Generation Master.  He’s relentless, but Luna has watched him fight before, and she’s also prepared for it too.

“Chrono-san,” Luna says, striding into Mephisto.  “I finally have a goal in mind.  I finally have something I want to work towards.  I can’t afford to lose!”

“That’s good, Luna!”  Chrono says, grinning as he guards an attack.  “But I’m the same!”

She’s coughing, but she points forwards and declares her vanguard’s attack.  She coughs and coughs until flowers are falling all around her, and Enishi looks like he’s about to step in from the side but she refuses to lose.  She drive checks a triple critical trigger, and throws everything she has forwards to prove to everyone that she’s different now, stronger.

But Chrono wins in the end, and it’s frustrating, but Am pats her shoulder and comforts her all the same.

The machine is cold and it hurts.  It feels like something’s being ripped out of her, and she coughs and reels in response and carnations fill her lap as she screams but forces herself to keep breathing around the petals.  If her suffering will make Am happy, then it’s worth any pain.

A bright light fills the room, and the pain stops.  “Superb!  This is superb data!”  Luna hears the strange man in a full black coat that covers his mouth exclaim, and Enishi helps her to her feet and escorts her out of the lab room.

“Are you having second thoughts about this?”  Enishi asks once she’s seated on a bench in the white sterile hallway and can breathe again.

Luna shakes her head.  “I’m compatible, aren’t I?  Then let me power the Stride Gate.”

Enishi nods, taking a small medicine bottle out of his pocket and hands it to her.  “These pills will help you breathe a bit easier, but they’ll dull your senses.  I’m putting you on medical leave for the next month so you don’t strain or injure yourself any further, but I don’t think it will take that long.  If you want to say any goodbyes, the next few weeks are your time.  But the Stride Gate is still highly classified information.”

She remembers Am’s silent tears under the Ferris Wheel, the bitter wind biting at their warm hands, and how hard Am had been clutching her hand.  “When I was five,” Am had said.  They’re thirteen now.  Am had been waiting eight years.  Luna could wait a month.

She nods.  “For the sake of the perfect future.”  Luna says.

The G-Quests’ final tournament comes to a close with Team Try3’s brilliant victory.  Luna’s happy for Tokoha and her team, but she’s also grateful that the final tournament doesn’t have much for them to do other than introduce the teams.  Am also leaves to take a phone call, which lets Luna cough without anyone seeing.

“Chouno Am has been fighting for her parents ever since she lost them.  She joined us when she was eight, and not a single day was wasted as she studied and learned of the world in a way a child shouldn’t be capable of, but she did it anyways.”  Enishi said.  “We requested that she learn how to cardfight, and she won Vanguard tournaments.  We requested for her to earn money, and she founded the Ace Corporation.  But that was it.  Chouno Am works incredibly hard, but she is not gifted with talent.  You were gifted with incredible talent, for vanguard and your imagination, and your compatibility with Stride Force.”

Luna can feel the stems of the carnations digging into her throat, and she resists the feeling of trying to reach her hand in to try and rip them out.  She doubts she could anyways.  She takes a sip from her water bottle, nearly choking on the sensation of it drenching petals as it made its way down.

They have to go soon.  The ending ceremonies are wrapping up, and as soon as Am comes back, she has to be presentable until she gets back to her apartment so that she can rest.

“Chouno Am, while trying to balance all of her work, created the ruthless persona of Ace within herself.  She has run other companies to ruin, driven people to bankruptcy, all for the sake of the Stride Gate.  You’re familiar with Kiba Shion.  She took over the Kiba Corporation, leaving him with nothing more than a few yen.  That’s just one of hundreds.”

Luna’s hand is shaking as she holds the water bottle.  Her legs feel weak and her head feels dizzy.  She watches Chrono take the trophy from the MC awkwardly, but with a happy smile.  Tokoha held onto a large bouquet, and Shion was holding up the medals they received.  They all looked so happy.  They were all so strong, and Luna was sure they were going to have such bright futures.  It was every kid’s dream to have a bright, happy future like that.

“Chouno Am is not someone good to be in love with.  She is someone willing to sacrifice anything and everything for the purpose of her future.  While it is for a noble purpose, it also means she has no room in her life for anyone else.”

Am’s backpack was in the corner of their viewing room.  She had gotten a more solid strap for her mitten charm this time.  Luna could remember Am showing it off to her one day after rehearsal.  It was Rummy Labyrinth merchandise, light blue with dark blue butterflies and pink crescent moons on it, and Luna remembered laughing at how Am was using their own merchandise for it.  Luna wondered what they were going to do with all the Rummy Labyrinth merchandise once she was dead.

“Your feelings are proud and noble, but they are also young and premature.  Won’t you reconsider while you still have the time?”

“I’m back.” Luna hears the door open, and Am walks back in.  “Sorry it took so long, were you worried?”

Luna looks behind at Am, who has her business smile on, but obviously tired lines around her eyes, and her mouth twitches while trying to maintain it more often than usual, and all the sudden it hits her that this is probably the last time she will see Am.  She’s going on sick leave starting tomorrow to rest until the Stride Gate machine will accept her.  This Am is the last Am that she will see for the rest of her life.

Her hands freeze up, and the water bottle drops to the ground, spilling water everywhere.

“The water!”  Am says as she rushes over to the sofa where Luna’s sitting, but slows to a stop once she arrives at the sofa and gets a good look at the soaked floor.

The carnations are still all over ground in front of her, deep red against the light blue and green carpet and soaked, the water bottle rolling off to the side, and Luna can feel her heart about to burst out of her chest and blood run cold as Am sees it all.

“A, fan…” Luna stutters out, and her voice is hoarse and she wants to cough up more but she can’t in front of Am.  “A fan came by… gave a bouquet… but I accidentally dropped it and ruined it…”

“I see…” Am says, but her face is blank and her hands are shaking.

The sound of clapping is muffled by the glass, but Am’s eyes don’t leave from the sullied flowers, as if she’s hypnotized by them.  “Am,” Luna starts, and the words get tangled in flowers to the point where she chokes on it.  “Do you… like flowers?”

Am still hasn’t moved from her spot next to the sofa, and there’s a distant look in her eye that scares Luna.  She wants to say something, do something, anything to make that look go away, but her legs won’t move, her hands won’t move, her throat’s so blocked up she can’t make any sounds.

“My parents… we went to the flower shop that day.”  Am says quietly.  “I got first place in my class on a math test, and to reward me they said they were going to buy a really pretty bouquet of flowers for me, since we lived in an apartment and I couldn’t have a garden.  We all went to the shop, and I picked out this huge bouquet of carnations in white, pink, and red.  I was so excited…”  Her voice hitches, and Luna can feel her heart drop.  “I saw a bakery across the street, with pretty cakes in the window display, and I wanted one… So I ran across the street without a care.  But when my parents spotted me, they ran across the street to catch up to me… and my mom was still carrying the bouquet; she didn’t even pay for it yet cause she was so worried about me… and then the truck came… and…”

Luna lets out a choking gasp, a pathetic attempt in trying to breathe and clear her mind, and Am is moving again, kneeling on the sofa in front of her with her thumb rubbing gently at Luna’s cheek.  “L-Luna, there’s no need for you to cry about it, it happened years ago.”  Another choked sob escapes her throat anyways, and Luna tries to hide her teary face in her arms.  Am’s hand strokes through her hair as her other hand tries to move Luna’s arms away, but she pushes Am’s hands away as she continues to cry.

In her throat grew the very things that killed Am’s parents.

“I’m sorry, Enishi-san, but it’s already too late for them to wilt.”  Luna said.  “Thank you for trying though.  These flowers are already a part of me.  Yumizuki Luna loves Chouno Am.  I’m proud of this.”

It’s the first time Luna’s felt so ashamed of her feelings.

[spaceorphan18]

Finding Kurt Hummel: Glease

Masterpost

4x06: Glease

Well -- we’re still amidst a ton of Klaine angst -- but we, thankfully, get to skip over other story lines I’m not as fond of such as; Marley’s eating disorder, the Newbies doing Grease, and Rachel/Brody/Finn/Cassie nonsense.  I will take Klaine angst any day. 

Role You Were Born to Play

So Kurt wasn’t in episode five, but there are still some things in this episode that I need to discuss.  

First of all -- we’re entering the part the main part of season 4, where Kurt just doesn’t get a lot exploration or commentary -- and therefore we get to fill in some of the blanks.  I’ll try to do my best at explaining what are facts and what are my own headcanon. 

Anyway -- there’s not a whole lot of Blaine in this episode either, but here are some things we learn: 

Kurt and Blaine already discussed spending the rest of their lives together.  I’m gonna guess this was as early as when they got together in season 2, back when Kurt said Blaine was on board going to New York with Kurt. 

They were going to move to Province Town and buy a lighthouse and start an artist colony.  Okay, they were weirdos. 

Kurt’s not talking to Blaine.  AT ALL.  It’s kind of implied over the next three episodes that after Blaine left the loft that morning, Kurt has done his best not to be in contact.  Which is a very Kurt-ish thing to do.  He doesn’t really face his problems head on.  He likes to avoid them, and ignore that he feels anything.  

Blaine has a Kurt scrapbook -- which most likely means that Kurt has a Blaine scrapbook.  They probably made these together.  

After looking at the still -- I noticed there some postcards, and I while I can’t really see what they say, I’m almost positive that they were from Kurt (it looks like his name) -- and, awww, bbs, Kurt sent Blaine postcards from NY!!

Sill in Mourning

So, like a good roommate -- Kurt’s helping Rachel prep for her Glass Menagerie audition.  This scene is really about Rachel and Cassie getting to spar once again, but I’m going to ignore most of that an concentrate on Kurt. 

First - I’d like to point out that Kurt’s looking disheveled and is wearing black.  Look, I know the narrative isn’t focused on Kurt, and is more interested in telling Blaine’s story, but I need to make this clear.  This break up -- fucking sucks for Kurt, too.  Breaking up with Blaine is not something he ever wanted or anticipated.  And dealing with the shock and the pain of what Blaine did is something he’s in the middle of doing right now --- even if we don’t get to see much of it. 

He’s putting /no/ effort into how he looks -- which is a big thing for Kurt.  He’s wearing sweats, for god’s sake, and doing really nothing about his hair.  And while I, shallowly, kinda like this look, it means that Kurt’s hurting so much he’s not concentrating (either) on things he loves.  The black, which he’s worn since that night at Callbacks, also, is something he’ll continue to wear until he and Blaine have their talk in Thanksgiving. And the black, very obviously, is for mourning.  He’s grieving the death of his relationship. 

So -- on to the plot -- Tina’s giving him updates on the play.  Why would he care? Why would Tina care to tell him about it? I have to wonder if Tina’s passive-aggressively trying to get him to talk to Blaine.  I wonder if he listens because there’s a part of him that, while I’m sure Tina’s bugging him, wants to know what’s going on. He may have cut Blaine off completely -- but that doesn’t mean he’s not willing to hear second hand details. 

So -- Cassie comes in with her abs and her ‘I don’t give a fuck’ attitude and tells them that if they still have baggage over their exes -- go home and fix it.  

Rachel, I should note, claims she has closure (well, you did get something at the end of that episode....) but is totally lying to herself about her feelings because she’s too busy pretending to be an adult and be fine with things that are not fine instead of dealing with her issues.  (That’s sorta her arc this season.) 

Meanwhile, though Kurt is at least admitting he’s not fine.  In fact, he’s not fine at all -- and when Cassie mentions having baggage and no closure, and when Rachel mentions she’s fine, Kurt gives her a look -- this look that says, I fucking do not have closure and am not fine and c’mon Rachel.... 

Kurt breaks down and decides he’s going.  He admits here that he hasn’t seen or talked to Blaine since that night -- and I’m guessing that any kind of closure now is better than what he’s going through.  He’s not sleeping (hey, didn’t someone else mention that in the previous episode?) -- and taking sleeping pills to force himself to sleep.  And watching The Notebook, over and over.  

And as I mentioned earlier -- it’s not just that this romantic relationship failed.  It’s not even that both Kurt and Blaine just lost their best friend.  They had their entire lives planned out, together, and now Kurt’s entire future (because he thought he was gonna go to NYADA, too) is out of whack -- and so not what he thought it was going to be.  

So -- Kurt wants to go back, because maybe-- just maybe seeing Blaine again won’t hurt so much.  Maybe they’ll be able to work something out.... 

Kurt what even are you doing, lol? I mean - I understand that you’re mirroring Cassie, but why? Do you want abs, too? 

I need to mention, though, that Kurt begs Rachel to go with him because he can’t go alone.  The thing is -- this stuff sucks -- and Kurt, while definitely trying to handle everything alone, is not doing a good job.  Rachel, right now, is his only real friend -- and adopting her attempt at shoving away her feelings and issues seems like something Kurt wants to try in order to not feel so much pain.  (Granted, this comes up more in Thanksgiving, but I thought I’d point it out here.) 

Making a Return

Kurt and Rachel return to Lima.  And this is the first time he’s come back since he left.  It’s always a little weird returning home, especially for the first time.  It’s the same, yet weirdly different.  Anyway -- Rachel’s all about her ego and Kurt’s like, ha, no, I’m nervous and anxious because I’m really here for Blaine, and idk how that’s gonna go. 

For nostalgia’s sake -- Rachel brings up the time that Kurt pretended to have a crush on her to get out of dating Mercedes.  So, did he tell her about that? Cause Rachel didn’t know at the time.  Anyway - this is all to lead up to the return of Mercedes.  

And it’s so nice to see Kurt light up when he sees her.  Life might suck at the moment, but seeing her is always a balm on his heart (at least in my interpretation.) 

Also, hilariously, Mercedes said that they should come back stage and see people, cause they’ll freak when they’re there.  Other than Finn and Blaine, who’s really gonna care that they’re there?  Lol...

This scene. Damn, this scene.  I don’t even know where to start.  

Can I say it’s pretty hilarious when Mercedes hightails it outta there.  She doesn’t want to have anything to do with that little mess of a group. 

Other than Blaine’s stutter at seeing Kurt, and saying he didn’t expect them there, there is /no/ dialogue between the two of them.  But the non-verbal communication is off the charts.  Finn and Rachel have a majority of the conversation here -- and I wish I had the After Elton review of this, but they summed it much better than I will -- but while Finchel is being somewhat petty with each other -- Kurt and Blaine are just having a really, really sad conversation with their eyes. 

Kurt keeps trying to look at Blaine -- and he can’t.  Because Blaine is so beautiful, and so lovely, and it fucking hurts to look him at because how could Blaine do such an awful thing to him. And how can he still have so many feelings, so many conflicting feelings.   (A side note - I am not letting Kurt off the hook for his part to play.  But in a way, he won’t really realize that until he breaks the relationship a few years from now.)  

And then there’s Blaine -- who is staring at him, with those sad, puppy dog eyes. And he’s so, so sorry.  

Kurt tries really, really hard to focus on the little Finchel drama going on.  Because ever time he sneaks a little peak at Blaine, it’s so much harder. 

There’s an interesting moment -- where Finn says they’re proud of the play, and Blaine puffs his chest a little -- like he is proud of what they’re doing, and he’s gonna try his best even though he’s breaking inside, too.  Kurt desperately tries to ignore that.  Blaine’s heart breaks a little more in that moment.  So does Kurt’s. 

I mean -- remember last year at this time? When Kurt was so proud of Blaine on that stage? And they were intimate for the first time afterwards? Yeah - like that isn’t in the back of their minds, too. 

I also want to give a shout out to the costume department.  Kurt dressed all in black, yet so pale looking.  While Blaine is in white -- Teen Angel ironically, though with such darker features.  They’re two sides of the same coin -- two parts of the same pair.  They’re matched up, even when they’re broken.  Oh, bbs <3 

Blaine gives one last lingering look to Kurt before he takes off.  And the minute he’s gone, Kurt begins to breath again.  And he nearly breaks down.  Because seeing Blaine again makes it almost worse.  It makes all these feelings even more real than they already were.  Blaine is still Blaine -- yet he is changed, and seeing him again doesn’t fix what happened.  

Rachel, who is better at masking her feelings, gives him a pep talk -- and he gives in to her -- cause it’s much easier to let someone else take control.  (Which is saying something -- because Kurt very much likes to be in control.) 

Performances

Blaine as Teen Angel is -- ironic on about hundred levels.  Here’s this a projection of a flawless and perfect prince for you Kurt -- and it’s a bit of a mockery.  (This scene is more for Blaine -- who, side stepping the fact that it wouldn’t be possible, sees Kurt in the audience and it causes him to falter.) But Kurt looks like he’s going to be sick during the whole thing.  Everything on that stage was something he believed in -- and everything is now a lie. 

As an aside -- though -- it’s actually a good thing that Blaine has slid off Kurt’s pedestal.  To actually really love someone, you need to see their dark side as well as the light, and love them anyway.  And Kurt will eventually come to the conclusion that he does. But, shattering this perfect image, and seeing the truth underneath, is not an easy thing to come to terms with. 

The look on Kurt’s face as Blaine gives one last dashing look before he leaves the stage.  Goodbye overly romanticized ideal of the man I loved.  You’re never gonna have that back, Kurt but that’s okay, I promise!! 

Man -- Kurt spends this entire episode nearly in tears but never really breaks down.  Kurt’s usually an easy crier.  But he’s doing his damnedest to control his feelings.  And it’s probably tearing him up inside. 

Kurt’s at least enjoying the play as a whole a little better. 

So -- we get this whole ‘You’re the One That I Want’ montage.  And, first I’m glad we’re skipping Marley’s eating stuff and Ryder kissing her to calm her down and a whole lot of no -- yuk.  Also, it’s fascinating to me how much better Finn and Rachel sound when they start singing opposed to Ryder and Marley. Also, also -- it cracks me up that they flashback to the pilot, and they still include Kurt’s WTF look in the flashback. Anyway, I digress.... 

Finchel has this little fantasy.  Who’s dreaming about the other couples? Who knows.  The point, though, is that the show is letting us know that despite being broken up -- all these couples still want each other.  

Well damn, Chris.  I mean...

You all have seen this scene gif’d a million times.  You know what the close ups look like (I can’t still it without it being awful.)  Kurt and Blaine dance with each other -- and it’s cute.  Watch for their background moments, because they’re goofing around when not in focus, and it’s adorable. 

Finchel Lite

So -- Finn and Rachel get this complex and length little scene that hits on a lot of points about their relationship.  And then Klaine gets thirty seconds.  Ug.  I’m not bitter at all....  But the a point I need to take from the Finchel-ness is that Rachel says that home no longer feels like home.  And Kurt doesn’t understand for another thirty seconds. 

Blaine wants to talk -- Kurt doesn’t.  Because Kurt’s in way too much pain to have any kind of rational conversation.  (And because Kurt tries not to have these hard conversations whenever possible...) 

But oh, Blaine -- you opened with the /wrong/ thing to talk about.  Kurt really, really doesn’t want to hear about details about what happened.  It doesn’t matter what actually happened, it’s the fact that it did that hurts Kurt so much.  As I said in the Break Up post -- it’s the fact that it happened at all that shatters Kurt.  And rehashing that isn’t going to help.  

The conversation here about trust is interesting.  Kurt is right, relationships are about trust.  Blaine didn’t trust his relationship enough.  Kurt trusted it too much -- and the thing is -- the real key here -- is that Kurt does whatever he can to shield himself in from pain and heartache.  He’s spent years shielding himself off from people who have kicked him when he’s down, and trying to show that he doesn’t care.  He’s spent years perfecting this perfect defense against his own emotions. 

And he let Blaine in.  He let Blaine into his heart, and let him see the most vulnerable parts of him.  And no one -- /no one/ had the ability to hurt Kurt as deeply as Blaine.  Because Kurt protects himself.  Except the one time he thought it would be okay to let his guard down, and his heart got stomped on in the worst way.  

The trust conversation doesn’t come back until the end of season five -- because yeah, it takes Kurt /that/ long to figure how how to trust Blaine again.  But also -- he’ll need to screw up the relationship, too, to fully understand.  But man - we have a bumpy ride to get to that point. 

Meanwhile - Kurt’s about to lose it, and he can’t stay any longer because he’ll be just a mess.  And he says that Rachel is right -- Blaine, who was one of the definitions of his home, feels the furthest thing from it.  

Kurt takes off with Rachel, and I’ll bet you anything, the minute they round that corner, Kurt, who’s tried so hard to control everything this entire episode, breaks down crying.  Oh bbs.  It gets better. 

So yeah -- that’s the episode.  And Kurt’s absent from episode 7 because it’s time to make Blaine become a real boy, and let him forgive himself.  These are tough times -- but there are some great things to dig through coming up.  I’m kinda looking forward to it. :) 

[wanderingblackdragon]

The Ed-Venture Auditions Chapter 1

Foreword and Author's Notes: Well, never thought I’d be posting here. I’m here on a friend’s suggestion that I try posting fanfiction on this site. I’ve been trying to write fanfiction, particularly of Ed, Edd ‘n Eddy for years, with varying success. But, with FF.net’s Ed’s section being taken over by the yaoi fangirls and its increasingly restrictive rules. Perhaps that site is dead already. And so, he we are.

There are many reasons why I'm here, writing this. For one,I've promised myself that I would finish a series of fanfiction before moving on to more original works. Secondly, I always liked the interactive nature of story-telling on the internet, since it's a platform for people not only critique someone's work, but also discuss and trade ideas... As rarely as the latter happens.

The series is about several things. But, chief among them will be potential. I want to take some of my (and hope yours as well) favorite characters and showcase what (I think) they're truly capable of. Another theme is Evolution. I want to show how that potential can lead people, places, relationships and so on to evolve. With this series, I hope to use a variety of settings and scenarios to explore various themes with our favorite Eds & friends as the front-men.

Finally, this series is an AU in which the events of Big Picture Show did not occur. The reason I'm doing this is because I feel the ending of the series was not only contrived, but also messed up some things in continuity; such as the reason for Eddy's behavior and what his brother is actually like.

Acknowledgements:

Cocobean3: The only beta reader who's proven helpful, even if most of your ideas ended up being scrapped. I look forward to our continued interactions. I also still need to get back to reading your stuff.

Voodooknight & Kingcobra: My friends from Enclave and Skype. Thank you for letting me rattle on about my ideas and giving me someone to bounce ideas off with. Even if Voodoo spent most of it talking about his imaginary sexlife with his waifu :P

SuzumeCA: One of my favorite writers, and a big inspiration for me for a long time. I hope you're doing well. And when are you gonna update?! I WANT MY YURI! (JK)

Riiser: Host of WebcomicRelief on youtube and possibly my harshest critic. Thank you for your help and giving me the criticisms I need to get my head together.

BathVader: If it wasn't for you, I would've given up on this site and left months ago. Thank you for still trying to breathe life into this and I hope more people follow your example!

Disclaimer: I don't own squat. Everything the light touches still belongs to Danny Antonucci, that glorious bastard!

"Summer rains: You can never predict them."

With the first day of summer vacation, came the first rains of the summer season. From his living room window, Eddward Marian "Double D" Vincent, watched his neighbors scurry out of the thick downpour and into their respective dwellings. Except two that scurried towards his front door. Which was why Edd rose to retrieve towels, rather than return to his reading.

He counted the seconds as he ascended the stairs, retrieved a blue and green towel, basket and a hair dryer from the linen closet, then descended the stairs just in time to open the door. On the other side, stood Ed Horace Hill and Eddy Skipper Sampson, with their hands up to pound on the Vincents' front door.

"Good morning, gentlem-!"

"Can you believe this shit, Double D?!" Snatching the green towel and hand dryer, Eddy pushed passed his friend, kicking his shoes off into the "Designated shoe area" between strides and already began drying himself off before Edd could complain.

Edd winced. "What I can't believe is your language, Eddy!"

"Hey, we're outta middle school now, so I ain't gotta worry about standards anymore! Besides, What's more mature than swearin'?"

"Eddy, don't you know profuse profanity is the sign of immaturity and/or limited vocabulary?" Edd lectured with a wagging finger, "Furthermore, it's far too early for such course language!"

Finding a spot to plug in the hand dryer, Eddy turned its hot breeze on himself.

"Are you kiddin'?!" it's the first day'a summer and it friggin' rains!" Eddy complained.

"Well, Eddy, you know how the weather can be. The rain will stop in about an hour from now." Edd explained. Suddenly, he noticed Ed had laid his towel on the floor, crawled on it on all-fours and proceeded to shake himself dry. "Ed!" Edd cried and ran after him with a sponge and a bucket.

"An hour?!" Eddy gasped, "The hell are we supposed to do 'till then?!"

"Oh, I know! We can count teeth! I've been trying to break my record since last year, Eddy!" Ed said.

Edd was beginning to wonder when this lovable oaf would stop bewildering him. "You have a record for counting teeth, Ed?" he looked at Ed whilst his hands still worked the sponge against the splattered walls.

Ed nodded, his typical grin taking up his face. "Yep! I got all the way up to four last year, Double D!" With no further prompt, Ed opened his mouth as wide as he could, and his elastic blue tongue began to prod over his (admittedly) crooked and plaque-ridden teeth. "One... Twoooo... Threee-"

"Ed, might I suggest something more enlightening?" Edd cut in. With the wall (re)cleaned, he moved to lift his book from the coffee table and presented it to the other Eds.

They stared at it. Edd's hopeful grin drained away.

Ed craned his head to one side and tried to read the cover. "M-My... Those-and..."

"A book, Double D?!" Eddy snapped, "To hell with that! It's summer time! School's out! We shouldn't be reading anything!"

"Yeah, books make my brain hurt!" Ed added.

Edd rolled his eyes,; not like those comic books are doing it any favors. He turned the book's cover to face him. "There's a lot one can learn from books, fellows! For example, this book, titled "My Thousand miles" written by Andrew McDonald. It's about the tale of a factory worker who decided to take a trek of one-thousands steps, on a spiritual journey of self-discovery!" Edd explained. "In fact there any many fascinating anecdotes about social commentary, family, friendship, politics and the human condition! In fact one of my favorite passage..."

There Edd went lecturing again. With the bookworm's excitement dribbling through one ear and out the other, Eddy's glazed eyes wandered for something more interesting to look out.

"... Why in fact, it's a Los Angeles Times Bestseller, and-"

"Oh, a bestseller, huh?" Eddy feigned interest, "I'll bet this guy's just rolling in cash!"

"Well, authors who tend to become bestsellers aren't exactly living off peanuts, Eddy!" Edd confirmed, "It's also won an award for best Non-fiction last year"

Bestseller... Something about that term grabbed Eddy's brain. Bestseller meant that lots of people bought it. That meant it made money. And if it was featured in a major newspaper like L.A Times, then meant more people would buy it. Which meant more money. And an award? That meant people really liked it. Which meant more people would buy it. Which meant more money.

More money

If that book took Eddy's attention before; it was now holding it hostage. Eddy never cared for books. They were huge bundles of boring that adults made him read just to piss him off. Double D loved them because he was a boring sap who loved to please adults. Oh, Eddy should slap himself! The answer to a lifelong quest was right in Edd's hands, staring him in the face. In fact, hasn't it always?

And from the look setting itself into Eddy's face, Ed and Edd watched him with an oblivious smile and an arched brow respectively.

"I think Eddy's got another idea, Double D!" Ed cheered.

Edd frowned, "That's what I'm afraid of, Ed."

"THAT'S IT, GUYS!" Eddy burst. He jumped up to stand on the easy chair, thrusting a finger at the ceiling, shouting "We should publish a book!"

And just as quickly, Edd's fears evaporated. "That's a wonderful idea, Eddy! Why, producing a literary work of our own should be an excellent way to flex our creative muscles- not to mention actually doing something constructive for once!"

"What was that last bit, Double D?" Eddy asked.

"Oh, nothing, nothing!" Edd covered

"Anyway, so what's our bestselling novel gonna be about?"

Ed's hand immediately shot up and waved about. "Oh, I got an idea, Eddy! I got an idea!" He didn't bother to wait for a response, "Our book is about the time we were kidnapped to the underground lair of a mad scientist, where he performed wicked experiments to turn us into mutant butterflies...!" And to demonstrate, Ed had climbed atop of the sofa and began to flap his arms about.

Edd already knew how this would end. The coffee table was right in front of Ed too. "ED, NO-WAIT!"

Ed jumped from the sofa, trying to flap his arms to fly. Mercifully, gravity allowed Ed to "fly" over the fagile glass table, then Eddy's head before it yanked him to the floor with a THUD. Face to the carpet, Ed continued to flap his arms haplessly, whilst impotently wiggling about the floor. He went on, "... After a daring escape, we find that we must suck the bone marrow of Major League Baseball players in order to survive!"

Edd and Eddy watched at the boy pounce on a couch pillow and reeled his head back to drain the hapless furniture of its bone marrow, just before Edd managed to snatch, re-fluff and replace the pillow in its assigned position.

"Perhaps something more down to earth, Ed?" Edd suggested, "Instead; I suggest a memoir in which we camp out in the forests, exploring its lush nature landscapes, cataloging and studying the diverse and fascinating local wildlife?"

The way Eddy glared at him was answer enough.

In the brief moment Edd prepared to plead his case, Eddy's finger thrust to the ceiling and his voice blared, "We're gonna make a-..." Eddy snapped his fingers. The word was on the tip of his tongue, "... A...!" Come on, vocabulary, don't fail him now! "... Damnit! What's it called when you write a story about yer'self, Double D?"

"Autobiography, Eddy." Edd supplied.

"... Yeah! We're gonna write an auto-biology about our totally awesome and kickass adventures!"

"Cool!" Ed said.

Edd merely quirked his brow, his fears returning with a vengeance. "Surely, you're not referring to the innumerous failed attempts at conning the other children out of their allowance, and/or gain their acceptance as peers? Who in their right mind would want to read about that?"

"Psst! That's kids stuff, Double D...!" Eddy dismissed with a wave.

"So, you admit your hair brained schemes were, in fact, hair brain-" When Eddy beaned Edd with the pillow, he didn't expect the sock-hatted one to fall over from the force.

"As I was sayin'!" Eddy barked, "All that's just kid's stuff! These adventures are gonna be big time, boys! I'm talkin' an action-adventure-kung-fu-political-thriller-heist-porno-comedy!"

By then, Edd had recovered from Eddy's assault with a pillow and moved to place it back from where Eddy had grabbed it. Once it was properly re-fluffed and placed back in its designated position, he asked, "Eddy, what events in our lives have ever met the standards of such a convoluted and ridiculous genre? Have you and Ed learned nothing from that school newspaper dabocile?"

"'Course I have, Sock-head!" Eddy answered, "And that's why we're gonna do it for real first!"

"It's adventure time!" Ed added

"Am I the only one who can see how this would go wrong?" Edd wondered to himself more than anything.

"Whatcha on about this time?!"

Edd took the momentary silence to construct his case. "For instance: One of the genre you listed was "Kung-Fu", implying it will involve martial arts -and knowing you, combat-. However, the only martial arts experience any of us have was a dojo scam -which failed-, and your ill-fated attempts to make Jimmy a sumo wrestler -which was doomed from the start, admittedly-."

"What, I never told you I know the deadliest style around, Double D?"

"Oh, and I still remember those sumo moves from TV, Double D!" Ed chimed in. He never realized they weren't watching him slip out of his clothes, tie his jacket into a makeshift Mawashi and begin to range about the living room, felling imaginary enemies with deadly belly thrusts. "SUCKY-YUCKY!"

"... And what, may I ask, is this "Deadliest style around", Eddy?" Edd wearily challenged.

"Outta my way, Samurai warrior! For I'm a mission! TOYOTA!"

Eddy hopped off the chair and extended his arms in some unidentifiable pose. "It's a secret and deadly technique known as..." Edd thought the pause was an invitation to speak, "... Whup-ass!"

What could Edd say to something so ridiculous? Whup-A$$? The name in itself told him all he needed to know. "Pardon?"

Meanwhile, Ed's imaginary battle had taken him to the kitchen "HA! Thought you could sneak up on me, deadly cyborg ninja of the Wasabi clan! Your exploding taser shuriken are no match for my Burr-head Bump! MITSUBISHI!"

THUD

"Whupass, Double D, is the fighting style my brother invented it after he won the world kickboxin' championship when he was eight! He taught it to me when I was five! I managed to get my quadruple black belt before he left!"

Ed's battle with his imaginary nemeses had taken him outside into the rain. "Release Princess Momo, evil tentacle monster from the Makai dimension! For I, Yokuzuna Ed will not allow you to molest her with your tentacle-ness...! Oh, no! It's got me! It seems I have no choice...! SEGA!"

CRASH

"Barring the obvious..." Edd began evenly, "Firstly, Eddy: black belts are ranked by degrees, not multiples. Secondly: It sounds like your brother was simply pulling your leg again. After all, what professional fighting circuit in their right mind would allow a child to compete against grown adults?"

"The kind that knows my brother's the man, Double D! Just like I'm gonna be when this book becomes a bestseller!" Eddy gloated.

"Right. Just, what would we be doing in this overly elaborate and I'm assuming dangerous adventure of yours?" Edd asked.

"Obviously kickass stuff, Double D!" Eddy answered, "With car chases and gun-sword fights with ninjas while rescuing the President! Followed by debriefing 'n cocktails where I make out with his hot daughters!"

Where to begin? "And for what purpose would we be doing any of this?" Edd questioned

"'Cause that's what badasses do, Double D! Like Jack Bauer, and Jason Stathem!"

"That's not answering the question, Eddy!" Edd sighed, "Why would we be doing any of these things? Who is chasing whom in these car chases? Why we are getting into -as you put it- gun/sword fights with ninja assassins? Why would it fall to us; three average middle school graduates to rescue the president rather than, say, the secret service, C.I.A., military, or even law enforcement, who, such a task would rightfully fall upon? And from what threat?"

Eddy sucked his teeth, "What, don't you see the movies, Double D? Those hacks couldn't keep a cheeseburger from gettin' eaten at a vegan convention!"

"That's a strangely specific analogy..." Edd mused.

Eddy shrugged, "Hey, they can't all be gold."

"But, in that case, look at it like a movie. What is the plot, the goal? There's a reason James Bond is getting into car chases and fights and lurid one night stands: and that's to attain a singular goal of stopping whatever terrorist is threatening the world at the time!"

"What, you mean the boring shit that happens between the good stuff?" Eddy shot back, "Nobody cares about that, Double D! It's just there to pad out the movie and shut up soccer moms who keep bitchin' about "It's too violent and sexualized"!"

"Like your mother, Eddy?" Edd quipped. Yet, there was a better point to make, "Liste; even Ed's idea had a plot! Plot is the driving force of the story! It breathes life into it! Plot gives the events meaning through context! Plot gives the characters motivation through conflict! It's the glue that holds everything together!"

"Oh, and what's the "plot" to your idea, Double D?" Eddy snapped, "We go out to look at birds 'n flowers 'n crap, 'cause you're too big a wuss to go on a real adventure!?"

"There's far more to it than just observing bird and plant life, Eddy!" Edd shot back, "It's about the adventure of traversing beautiful landscapes and exploring the simple wonders of the natural world, the deepening bonds of friendship that we share and the spiritual journey we take within ourselves to discover who we truly are!"

"I can sum that up in two words: Snores. Ville!"

Edd deflated in a huff. "At this rate, we're not even going to make it to the foreword."

"Well, where are we supposed to get a "plot" from, Double D?" Eddy snapped, "Outta the mailbox?!"

As if on some cue, Edd's front door swung open, as Ed had used his head to jar it open. In his hand was a flyer. "You've got mail!"

The three Eds were seated around the coffee table. Edd had spent the five minutes prior inspecting the strange letter with a magnifying glass. On the sofa across from him sat the other Eds. Ed took another crack at his teeth-counting record. He almost made it. Eddy on the other end, busily drummed his fingers over the armrest. He had finally mastered the baseline to James Brown's "Big Payback"

But, he'd waited long enough. "So, what's it say, Double D? I'll be it's from the president! I told you my idea was gold!"

"Actually, I've yet to read it, Eddy." Edd pointed out. Setting the magnifying glass on the table, Edd flipped the sheet over to give it one last glance over. "I find it strange that there's no return address..."

"So, what's it say?" Eddy urged.

Edd cleared his throat,

To Mr. Eddward Marian-

Ed and Eddy's snickering broke his concentration. A frown quickly silenced them. But, not without Ed getting a quick "That's a girl's name!" out.

Edd rolled his eyes.

To Mr. Eddward Marian "Double D" Vincent.

Please excuse the frankness of this letter, and the dubious circumstances upon which it had been delivered. However, time is of the essence and I lack the ability to grant you the delicacy this situation requires. First and foremost, I am a representative of a network of explorers, scientists, philosophers, artists, activists, and those of the inclination to use their talents for the betterment of good and the on-gong pursuit of knowledge! It is my utmost honor to extend to you an invitation to join this illustrious, and ever expanding network; by taking part in our upcoming summer training camp.

It is an intensive program, open only to those with great potential. In this camp, you will have the opportunity to study advanced scientific fields such as quantum physic-

"Lemme see that!" ignoring Edd's cry of protest, Eddy swiftly snatched the letter away and nearly sundered it. A skim later, Eddy looked up at Edd with a flat stare. "You should getcha eyes checked, Double D! It doesn't say anything about some "Advanced scientific fields"!"

"Is that so?" Edd replied, "Because that is clearly what was stated in the letter, Eddy!"

"No it ain't! It actually says..."

Are you a bad enough badass to take part in the most manliest, badass-est, explosive, and most exclusive camp ever made?! Forget the Urban Rangers! Only the toughest, most awesomest badasses ever are invited!

Rub elbows with famous and important people from all over! Hang out and "study" with the hottest, vivacious babes that'll make that girl next door look like Jane Plain 'n Tall! Learn the tricks of the trade from the world's most elite spies, assassins and men of dange-

"Oh my turn, Eddy!" When Ed grabbed the letter...

"Ed, you be careful with that!" Edd whined,

Ed ended up catapulting Eddy into the wall behind him, before perusing the letter proper. Then he stopped, and nearly twisted his head a full one-hundred-eighty degrees to shake his head at Eddy. "Tsk, tsk, Eddy! That's not what the letter says!"

"Yes, thank you, Ed." Edd sighed, "I was wondering where Eddy got that ridiculous-"

"It actually says..."

Hark, adventurer! For there is evil afoot! Are you brave enough to face that which goes bump in the night? Are you ready to journey into the depths of the final frontier to take on the Borg Collective and save the universe from assimilation? Then do not hesitate to join this year's Adventurer's Training Camp!

Train with the toughest, hardest and most fearless superheroes, space outlaws, demon hunters and vikings from across the multiverse! Learn about the many strange and exotic creatures unknown to man! Learn how to rescue princesses from evil mutant turtles, and become the hero you were meant to be!

Oh, and there'll also be snacks!

"Ed, if I may?" Edd asked at length.

When Ed handed back the letter, Edd skimmed through what he read until he landed where he left off. He glanced up at Eddy picking himself from the floor and storming back to the couch, then followed his glowering to Ed's empty headed smile, then back to the letter. What on earth were they reading? Sometimes people will see what they want. Ah, here's where Edd left off.

… Quantum Physics, chronology, archaeology, investigative psychology, astronomy, to name a few. However, I must also inform you that this invitation is only valid if you come as part of a group of six. Please have your group assembled and call 843-362867 before June 2nd.

Regards.

But who's regards? Setting the letter down, Edd paid little attention to Eddy snatching it from the table, and juggled the whole thing in his mind. For one, that phone number only had nine digits; a standard phone number, including the area code, had ten. The rest of this letter was written exquisitely well, so why would the sender allow it to be sent with this typo? Furthermore, the prerequisites were most unusual; shouldn't the sender also send invitations to those other five? Of course there was still the fact that the letter lacked a return address, and now a name.

"June second?" Eddy parroted, making Edd look up and watch him strain to answer his own question.

"That's tomorrow, Eddy." Edd supplied.

"TOMORROW?! HOW THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO FIND THREE MORE PEOPLE BEFORE THEN?! ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S RAINING?!" Sometimes Edd wondered how Eddy's voicebox didn't give out from all that yelling.

"Well, as I stated, Eddy, the rain ought to stop soon." Edd explained, "However, don't you think we should be more concerned about the mysterious circumstances of this letter?"

"I told ya, it's from the president!" Eddy dismissed with a grin.

Of course, only Eddy would think that. However, Ed's finger rose to draw the other Eds' attention and halt any doubting retorts Edd thought up.

"I think I just thunk, guys!" Ed announced, and Edd winced at that butchered grammar, "We should do tryouts and stuff, like that one time we had a talent show and my eyebrow started growing all over me!"

And so Eddy's grin made room for thought. He nodded, "Yeah, not a bad idea, Lumpy!"

"Or..." Edd interjected, "The Urban Rangers are holding a meeting today. Perhaps, we ought to invite-"

Eddy's laugh was the fourth time he interrupted Edd, and all the answer he needed. "Ha ha hell no!"

An hour later, the downpour had indeed ended. The endless grays painting the skies broke into soft patches of white, and a vengeful sun worked to dry the lands. When the three Eds stepped out of the Vincent house, Ed was armed with a stack of fliers nearly as high as he was tall. Edd nearly worked his father's printer to death to make those.

Throwing his palm up on the oaf's shoulder, Eddy coached him, "Now, remember, Ed: Put those fliers anywhere 'n everywhere in town! Got it, lumpy?"

Balancing the wavering stack in one hand, Ed saluted Eddy, "Roger Wilco!" then broke into a mad dash. A litter of fliers followed Ed as he rounded the corner out of the cul-de-sac. He could last be heard shouting "I'm on a mission, beeyatch!"

The spectacle tickled Eddy, making him hunch over as he laughed. Edd could only shake his head; Eddy's sudden preference for profanity had infected Ed as well. Edd could only hope this wouldn't become an epidemic. But, the decline of clean language would have to wait, as there was a stand that needed building and a junkyard full of materials to raid.

Of course, Edd would get his exercise for the day, as he was made to drag the pile of plywood and a discarded kitchen counter back to the cul-de-sac by some miracle. The construction of the actual stand would prove less strenuous, if arduous, since Eddy burdened himself with a most important task: Lounging on a lawn chair and soaking up the sun's fury.

Perilously perched on a rickety ladder, Edd had to steady every fiber of his being as he nailed the sign, reading "Eds' Adventurer's Auditions" in his meticulously tight print, to the top.

Occasionally Eddy would shout some encouragement, "C'mon, Double D! I ain't getting' any younger!"

"You kno- OH!"

With a jolt, Edd managed to grasp the half-secured sign as the ladder slipped from under him. Trapped, Edd's arms squeezed into the splintering wood, his body fighting to still itself.

"Eddy! Help me!" Edd wailed.

With a reflector blasting bright white rays into his face, Eddy even couldn't burden himself with looking up. "You got it, Double D!" He shouted back.

"Eddy! Eddy, the sign's slipping! I'm going down! I'M GOING- AAAH!" The sound of Edd's lithe frame smacking against pavement could be heard across town, evident by Plank poking his head from a distant tree to observe the commotion.

Yet, Eddy hardly noticed. "Christ! Am I the only one that works around here?"

Once Edd had recovered from the impact of his fall, it took him half an hour to procure the necessary helmet and safety padding before attempting to attach the sign again. Mercifully, that rickety old ladder chose to hold still long enough for Edd to nail the sign to its spot.

Once Eddy was crispy enough, he put his tanning equipment away and slipped back on his bowler shirt just in time to see Edd gingerly climbing down the ladder. "Took ya' long enough!" He spat then missed Edd's wide, twitching glare to admire the stand.

"Thing's a beaut, Double D" Eddy complimented.

"Why, thank you Eddy!" If only Eddy noticed the trembling and grating in Edd's voice, "And to think it only took two hours, forty-three minutes, several scrapes and bruises and a concussion!"

Eddy suddenly glanced about the cul-de-sac. "The hell's takin' Ed so long?"

"Well, I certainly hope he didn't ge- ACK!"

The manhole cover besides Edd's foot popped up, sending the boy jumping into Eddy's arms... Right before Eddy dropped him on his butt. With said manhole cover sitting atop his head, Ed poked his head from the sewers and hastily scanned his surroundings. Edd could've sworn Ed looked frightened before he smiled and blathered,"HELLO!"

"Yes, hello, Ed." Edd wearily returned.

"'Bout time you got back!" Eddy groused, "We're gonna start the auditions! Did ya' put up all the signs?"

Climbing out of the sewers, with the manhole cover now acting as a hat, Ed gave a thumbs up. "I put'em anywhere 'n everywhere, Eddy! Just like ya' said!"

Picking himself up and rubbing the sting from his coccyx, Edd shot a glance at Ed's unusual point of ingress. Hopefully Ed's confirmation didn't mean the sewers were now covered with fliers. Matter of fact, "Ed, why pray tell were you in the sewers in the first place?"

Taken aback, Ed suddenly glanced over the hole in the street then whipped his head about. Snapping his fingers, the big oaf promptly yanked what looked like a trash can from his coat and plugged it into the manhole.

"There, my tracks are covered!" Ed turned to answer the obvious question,

When Eddy suddenly cut in front of him, "C'mon! We're burnin' daylight here!"

Thus, the Eds took their place behind the stand and waited.

Waited.

Waited.

And wai-

"C'MON ALREADY!" Eddy's voice blasted the silence and sent a flock of birds scrambling for the skies. " WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYONE?!"

"Eddy, it's only been two minutes." Edd pointed out.

"ARGH! It's like watchin' paint dry!" Eddy growled.

"Oh, this is just like when I watch the gravy in my tub ferment, Eddy!" Ed chimed in.

That earned a sideways glance from the other two Eds. It took Edd a considerable amount of effort to force his breakfast grapefruit to stay put with the way his stomach wreathed at the thought. "Thank you for sharing that, Ed." He managed, then turned to Eddy's scowling, "Now, Eddy, patience is a virtue! But, might I suggest we go speak to the Ur-"

"SOMEBODY'S COMIN'!" Eddy announced and his pointing directed the Eds' eyes to Kevin's garage door opening. Could Edd please be allowed a complete statement today?

Strangely, Eddy's excitement blinded him to the fact that the gait riding up to them on his bike belonged to his next door neighbor, neighborhood jock, and lifelong nemesis. When Kevin Barr did in fact skid to a stop and kick his kickstand down, that fact slapped Eddy upside his head and a sneer formed to match Kevin's.

"Oh, it's you!" Eddy spat.

"Hi, Kevin!" Ed greeted.

Kevin's sneer only had eyes for Eddy, "Alright, what scam are you dorks runnin' this time?!" He demanded. From his pocket, Kevin yanked out a crumpled copy of the Eds' flier. "I found this littered all over my lawn!"

"Well, before anything, Kevin, I would like to apologize for Ed's advertising methods. Now, addressing your concerns, I can assure you this venture is perfectly legitimate -as are most of them are, admittedly-. We're preparing for an adventure, of which we intend to publish an autobiography about. However, we require some extra participants, hence we're holding auditions to determine who would come with us!" Edd explained, then threw on a smile he hoped would convince Kevin.

The jock in question rested his chin over his hand. Between the sign, the flyer in hand, and the smiling, nervously smiling, and sneering Eds, he test the thought in his mind. "... So, if I make this audition; you dorks'll write a book about me?"

"Well, not strictly about one parti-"

"In yer dreams, Kev!" Eddy snapped over Edd, "These auditions are open only to the most elite, hardcore baddasses around! Besides, who the hell would wanna read a book about you?" With his sneer cracking into a smirk, Eddy shook to contain his laughter.

"Oh, like you Jackass rejects are so noteworthy?!" Kevin spat, "I'd pretty much carry this "Adventure" of yours! For one, I'm better lookin'..."

"Better lookin' than Ed, maybe!" Eddy cut in.

Kevin's ranting tripped over itself. In the brief silence, his sneering sharpened into a glare that cut Eddy's snorting to a halt. "... Anyway...! I got the best chance of getting' with Nazz..."

"Not even in yer dreams, Kev!" Eddy broke into a full laugh that bent him over and smacked his head into the stand's counter top.

Despite Eddy smacking himself to silence, Edd couldn't help noticing the fury staining Kevin's skin red, and his teeth gnashing with enough pressure to make a diamond. Edd had been dragged into this situation enough times to know Eddy mustn't anger him again, lest the Eds be served a knuckle sandwich each.

"As. I. Was. Saying...!" Kevin seethed then settled. "... Besides all that, I got wicked BMXin' skills, which also landed me the record for the longest skid mark!" He let that last one hang in the air, letting just a little of his glowering show. The whole time, Kevin's eyes focused on Eddy, watching, begging him to laugh, to quip something smart, any excuse to use the little loudmouth for a punching bag.

And all parties could see Eddy fighting it. Wavering eyes meeting Kevin's and the beads of sweat running down his sun-scorched skin. Eddy wrestled with hips to be still as they twisted and turned in protest. Finally, Eddy's face straightened and Edd released a baited breath.

"Whew." The sock-hatted one turned to address Kevin, "Now, Kev-"

"More like longest skidmark on yer underwear!" Eddy was so close. So close!

"Burn!" Ed added.

And so the last straw broke and Kevin hopped off his bike to stomp a B-line for the Eds. "That's it! I'mma make a skidmark outta you, Dork!" He barked.

Now, Eddy regretted his mockery. But, despite an exit literally right next to him, Eddy could only watch Kevin advance as if caught between a rock and a hard place. "W-Wait a sec, Kev...!" And fear choked the rest of Eddy's pleas from him.

"Look out, Kevin! Eddy's a quadruple black belt in Whupass!" Ed cautioned.

"Not helping, Ed!" Edd cried.

"I'll give ya' a double black eye in getting yer ass whupped!" Kevin snapped.

He was almost there. Eddy should run. He wanted to run. But, damn his legs for taking the instinct for flight as a command to quake impotently. The jock with a fist reserved for Eddy's face was at the counter, cocking back a haymaker. Eddy squeezed his eyes shut.

"Kevin, wait!" Edd cried.

Nothing. No familiar agony of fist merging with Eddy's face. As Eddy eased his eyes back open, he saw Kevin holding his pose, eyes on Edd who bargained for Eddy's well being, "Perhaps a non-violent display of your "wicked BMXin' skills" would be more appropriate?"

When Kevin's light green eyes flicked to Eddy, the shorter boy flinched. Looking back to Edd, the jock settled for folding his arms over his chest.

"Whatcha got in mind?"

Finally, Eddy could breathe again.

"Kevin, you forgot to beat up Eddy!" Ed pointed out.

Ignoring protests and rants from Eddy, Ed and Edd displaced their stand from the middle of the street, to the curb in front of Jimmy's house. The following hour and a half had been spent assisting Kevin in collecting, then working another pile of plywood into a serviceable ramp set in front of Ed's house. Left to stand alone at the stand, Eddy followed his friend and mortal enemy's work with a glare that made the sun jealous.

Occasionally one would say something that actually coaxed a laugh from the other. What were they laughing about? Was it about Eddy? Of course, in Eddy's paranoid mind, Kevin was the benefactor of all of Eddy's setbacks; it would only be natural for that asshole jock to try to turn the brains of his trio to his side.

The presence of the ramp, and the commotion its construction caused managed to beckon the attention of Ed's little hell spawn, Sarah Hill, and the cul-de-sac sweetheart, Nazz Van Bartonschmeer. For a moment, the fact Rolf, Jimmy and Jonny were absent was odd, until someone remembered they were holding an Urban Rangers meeting.

For the occasion, Nazz and Sarah dusted off their Peach Creek Cobblers cheerleading uniforms, complete with pom pomps and a stereo blasting some crappy pop song Eddy couldn't be hassled to remember. Nazz held Eddy's eyes, dragging his attention where ever she pranced and jumped and cheered. Every jump birthed the hope Nazz's skirt would flutter high enough to make this farce worth his time.

The fifth time Eddy's hopes were dashed, his gaze broke away to Kevin, perched on his bike on Jonny's driveway, strapping on his trusted -if rarely used- red and flame decorated bike helmet.

When Edd finally appeared beside him at the stand, Eddy's ire fell to him. "Done helpin' the enemy, Double Crosser?" He seethed.

"Oh, Eddy, get over yourself!" Edd shot back, "By assisting Kevin, not only did the set up take less time, but it also presented an opportunity to get use-"

"Oh, can it, Sockhead!" Eddy snapped. Even looking right at him, he failed to notice to darkening expression Edd's face took. "'N what's with the cheerin' section anyway?! What makes this bazooka chinned bastard so special?!"

Edd rolled his eyes with a huff. "You know, Eddy. Something like this takes a considerable amount of courage and effort! You ought to show a little more appreciation!"

"What, this?!" Eddy shot back, gesturing to the ramp, "I can do this with my hands tied behind my back on a unicycle!

"Just like the time ya' lost your voice!" Ed chimed in, "Right, Eddy?"

"You wish you had the balls for this, dork!" Kevin shouted across the street.

Blue eyes batting between his fellow Eds, then the spectacle across from them, Eddy finally huffed a sigh of defeat, "I'm gonna get a Coke!" He announced, "Lemme know when Evel Kneivel over there's done snuffin' it!"

"Will do, Eddy!" Ed saluted.

Eddy managed two struts towards his house before Edd cried after him, "Eddy! Don't walk in front of the ramp!"

When Eddy did stop, Kevin had already squeezed the brakes shut and pedaled with all his might, kicking dust and the stench of burning rubber into the air. Looking back at Edd, Eddy waved him off then continued strutting. It was the exact moment Kevin released the breaks and peeled out into a streak that turned Eddy into a skidmark.

Every bulging, unblinking eye watched the collision flip Kevin over and his momentum drag his face up the ramp, before flinging him over Ed's house. A sigh of relief blew out of Sarah as Kevin cleared her backyard. Instead, the jock flipped end over end until gravity tugged him into the baking, unyielding asphalt in the construction sight. The next moment, his faithful bike landed atop of him in a heap of broken limbs and twisted metal.

"Ouch, dude!" Kevin wheezed.

Back in the cul-de-sac, the onlookers didn't see, but felt Kevin's crash.

Amidst the cringing, Edd said, "Oh, dear! Well, thankfully I always keep an emergency first-aid kit in the event of-"

KA-BOOM

The impossibility punched Edd's gut. Kevin's bike just exploded? Why did Kevin's bike explode? After all, it isn't gas powered in an-

"OH MY GOD! KEVIN!" Nazz screeched. Pompoms discarded and forgotten, the blonde made a mad dash for the construction sight, a pillar of black smoke marking Kevin's location.

Of course! Assess now, agonize later. Thankfully, Edd also kept an emergency fire extinguisher for such situations. With it in hand, Edd fell behind Nazz, chanting "Notgoodnotgoodnotgood!" All the way.

Suddenly Sarah snapped out of her trance and followed suit. "Holy shit!" she cried.

Now it was Ed's turn to run. "Sarah!" he shouted after his sister, "Watch your language!"

Alone and in great pain, Eddy had little to do, but stare off into space.

"Why is my life pain?"

Once Kevin's injuries were properly treated and the EMTs loaded him, and a worrying Nazz unto the back of an ambulance, Edd was left to tend to Eddy's medical needs before Kevin's ramp had to be dismantled and the Eds' auditioning stand returned to taking up the middle of the street. When this task finished, the clear skies glowed a waning orange as the day slowly burned out.

With Ed beside him, taking another crack at his teeth counting record, Edd used the lingering silence to contemplate the day's events. That letter of invitation sitting in his pocket still teased his thoughts. Now that he had time to think about it, that letter's promises seem-

"Stupid asshole Kevin 'n his stupid asshole bike jump!" Eddy grumbled. When he joined the other Eds at the stand, his bowler shirt had to be replaced and a fresh strip of road rash ran from his forehead to far below the confines of his clothes.

Edd shook his head. "Serves you right, Eddy!" He admonished, "This should serve as a lesson about observin-"

"Oh shut up!" Eddy barked. "Let's get to our next audition!" And his glowering lightened into a grin, "I'll bet it's Nazz! I know she just can't wait to go on an adventure with me!"

"Eddy, Nazz went with Kevin to the hospital." Edd interjected.

Eddy's head nearly twisted off, it turned to Edd so fast. "What?!" He gasped, "Then who the hell are we gonna audition next?! Sarah?!"

"Sarah bad for Ed!" Ed whined.

"Or..." Edd made sure he had Eddy's attention, "... Perhaps we can go speak to the Urban Rangers, now?"

Eddy's wide eyes and aghast mouth was answer enough. But, non-verbal cues were not Eddy's style, "What, those badge-hoardin' good-for-nothin's?!

"I've failed to see why we shouldn't, Eddy!" Edd insisted, "After all, with their skill sets, they would be uniquely qualified for an endeavor such as this!"

"Oh, like that one time you went to them for help gettin' Ed back from the Kankers 'n they botched it?!" Eddy countered.

"Oh, he's gotcha there, Double D." Ed nodded.

True, but Edd's counter was right beside him, "Well, in their defense, Eddy. The rangers' tactics would have succeeded if not for Ed's blustering, exposing their attempts to The Kankers in the first place!"

For a moment, Eddy's gaze shot over to Ed, who offered a shrug. "Yep, sounds like me alright!"

Eddy's lip caught between clenched teeth. Edd had him, perhaps the short one would see reason and-

"Yeah? Gimme one good reason why we should invite'em!"

Three good reasons appeared several paces from the stand. With their attention fixed on one another, Edd and Eddy couldn't see them. And the sight of them rendered Ed mute with fright.

"Hiya, boys!" They chorused.

Chills slithered up each Ed's spine and lanced across their limbs. They knew that chorus. The end times had come. Their plan went on spoken. Don't move. Don't even breathe. No sudden moves. Just

"RUN AWAY!"

Stand abandoned, the Eds only managed four paces before something pounced on them and this sticky thing pressed them to the street and then into a bundle. All forward moment died, gradually becoming backward momentum as they were reeled in. It took the Eds until they were dragged to The Kanker Sisters' feet to realize they were in a net, and the nightmare trio steadied a long fishing pole they used to reel them in.

"Seems like we got the catch of the day!" Laughed Lee Kanker

Resentment pushed fear's grip for Eddy's throat, "What the hell're you doin' here?!" He demanded.

"We came to answer your invite!" Marie answered.

Each Kanker produced a familiar sheet of paper; their flyer for the auditions.

The implication clubbed Eddy over the head. He strained to turn his head, his ire on a quaking Ed. "Why the hell did you put fliers up in the trailer park?!"

"But ya' said to put'em anywhere 'n everywhere, Eddy!"

And that implication punched Eddy in the chest. At least that explained Ed's strange entrance earlier. Of course, only Edd noticed they were being moved again. Through the netting, Edd watched as the entrance to the forest loom to welcome them.

The Kankers intended to drag this out.

The approaching dusk set the forest into a contrast of light and shadows. Since they arrived, the Urban Rangers had been scouting, planning and waiting. Hidden among the trees, Rolf Kelamis, leader of the Urban Rangers, son of a shepherd, scanned the wilderness through a spyglass. Teeth, green from his motherland's delicacies, gnashed and ground at each other as he did his umpteenth sweep.

"See anything, Rolf?" Hissed Ranger Jonny "Two-by-four" Grove behind him. "Plank's got nothin' either."

"The forest remains as empty as Rolf's great-nano's eye socket!" Rolf hissed back.

"Um, gentlemen?" Peeped Ranger Jimmy Christensen from below. Looking down and across, the other rangers found him blending into a bush that shivered with him. "Are you sure that intel was good? We've been out here for hours and my-"

"Enough, Ranger Jimmy!" Rolf grunting might as well have been a shout.

Both rangers promptly lost their voice. Rolf had always been strict, intense. But, none of them had ever seen him so on edge before. When the rains stopped and the Urban Ranger's meeting moved back to Rolf's farm, they were greeted by a man in a brown coat. The thought of that mysterious British gentleman brought a smile to Jimmy's face, before a rustle whisked them away.

Up in his tree, Rolf spied their prey; the dreaded Kanker Sisters laughing to themselves with the lead, Lee, knocking a fishing pole to her shoulder. The moment those scourges from the trailer park appeared, Rolf's mind went back to that man and their exchange.

"... So, why should we do this?" Rolf asked.

The man smiled, leaning in to whisper, "What if I told you that you'd have another chance at that pewter medallion? What if, by doing this, you'd not only get redemption, but a chance to become Runesalvie?"

Rolf reeled back and the stranger in the brown coat smiled, leering. That name carried a terrible weight. The elders of his villages would sometimes speak of them in hushed tones. Alas, the Runesalvie were gone. Their hermitage in shambles, their tongues dead, their legacy only myth and speculation. Who was this stranger to speak as if that which had been lost was simply found in a cupboard? This was a trick, a rouse to rival those damned Ed-boys! Even as it tugged at Rolf's heart so!

"Do you take Rolf to be a Merry Andrew, “Time Lord”?!" Rolf snapped.

Still smiling, still collected and sure, the stranger paced about Rolf. "I was told much about you Rolf Kelamis; Son of a Shepherd! They say you're wise, possessing the spine of an ox and nerves of steel! They say you are a born leader, a man that can not deny a challenge! Oh, you're many things Rolf Kelamis; a Merry Andrew is not one of them!" His pacing brought him beside Rolf, face a breath from the boy's ear.

"Were they wrong about you?"

"Look! Eds at Eleven ‘O Clock!" Jonny whispered.

Snapping from his trance, Rolf jammed the spyglass to his eye and made The Eds trapped in a net covered in some substance and being dragged behind the Kankers by some witchery. It took Rolf's mind a moment to register the line connecting the poor sod's bonds to a fishing pole Lee hefted. Rolf lowered the spyglass with sweating palms. So sweaty, the instrument nearly slipped from his grasp.

This was a jest. It has to be! The so-called “Time Lord” is in league with those trailer park witches; tempting Rolf with sweet promises of redemption and legend! A lure to drag the proud rangers to more demise and disgrace! They should turn back. They should flee and... And...

"Were they wrong about you?"

No

This isn't fear. The sweating, the quaking, Rolf's heart pounding in his ears and his guts dancing isn't fear

"Take your positions!" Rolf hissed to his subordinates. He barely finished before they slipped away.

Rolf was alone.

This isn't fear. This is Rolf's body stoking the flames of his fury. Grasping his weapon, Rolf too slipped away, the forest covering his transit.

"Laugh while you can Kanker witches. For retribution is at hand!"

The Dwindling distance to the Park 'n Flush trailer park had ignited the Eds' panic. As Ed and Eddy strained fruitlessly against their bindings.

"NNNGH! What's this shit made of?!" Eddy grunted!

"It's enchanted with the power of the dark side, Eddy!" Ed strained.

"Nope! This fishin' net's coated with out special Kanker rubber cement!" Lee said

Despite it all, a sardonic smirk crossed Edd's lips. At least they were consistent. Still,

"Ladies, please! We were in the middle of auditions!"

For the first time since their appearance, the Kankers actually looked at the fliers. Then broke into laughter.

"Ha! Can you imagine these wimps tryin' to go on an adventure?" Lee said.

"I know right? 'N then tryin' to make a book out of it?" Marie added, "Hey, how about the time Oven-mit over there got his ass kicked by the queer kid?"

Oh, Marie. Always cutting deep.

"Or that time we whupped their asses in that rasslin' match?" May added.

Another cut.

"Oh, and the time we wreck their little cruise and took their first kiss?" Lee added

How could they?

“And the time we wreck their gay little cowboy game?”

Stop it

“... Or the time we locked them in the basement ‘n played footsies?”

Please

"And the time we tricked them into coming to our wedding?" Marie said

No more!

"And let's not forget when we made'em pull our wagon to our honeymoon!" Lee laughed, "Now, if that ain't love; I dunno what is!"

All of it, the traumas, remembered agonies, the nights Edd would wake in cold sweats, paranoia making him see these sisters where they weren't there. Nerves rattling and his breaths scarce, Edd curled into a ball. Trying to shut out the laughing, trying to push the painful memories from his mind. Just wanting some peace.

"Hey, here's a book people'll actually wanna read...!" Lee suddenly suggested.

Ed and Eddy's thrashing stopped. What little breath Edd had pushed out of him.

"I can see it now! After another one of their stupid ideas fail; Ed, Edd 'n Eddy-"

"Ha! She said it!" Ed giggled, until Lee beaned him with a tire iron.

"As I was sayin'...!" Lee growled, it took her another stroke of that single chin hair to find her spot, "Oh, yeah...! Ed, Edd 'n Eddy are whisked away by their lovely wives and taken on a dirty, raunchy, homoerotic journey to discover their inner bottom bitch!"

"Oh, I like that one!" Laughed May.

"We'll call it, "Fifty Shades of Ed"!" Lee finished.

When the three Kankers turned, the Eds were met with a slight twinkle in their hooded eyes, a slight trickle (or in May's case, a cascade) of drool rolling off the corner of their lips before their tongue washed over them. They feared that look since the first time they saw it.

"Looks like you get to have your adventure after all, boys!" Marie purred.

Fear had a way of delaying proper responses. For the several paces the Eds were dragged, the implication hung over their heads, waiting. In time, the trailer park gradually faded into the horizon, and now implication struck the wind from each Ed.

"OH FUCK NO!" Eddy screamed.

And with that strike, desperation blazed and the Eds thrashed and kicked and clawed and screamed with all the futile power that desperation granted.

"BAD TOUCH! FIFTY SHADES OF BAD FOR ED!" Ed blared

"NOT LIKE THIS! ANYTHING BUT THIS!" Edd cried. "HELP! SOMEONE! ANYONE!"

Seeing this, the Kankers cackled again. "Oh, I just love watchin'em squirm!" Lee laughed.

And then they stopped.

For all their kicking and screaming, the Eds didn't notice the rest in action until a trash can, courtesy of Marie, bounced off their heads. When The Eds did stop, they followed the Kanker's gaze to something standing in the brush of the forest.

"What's that?" May finally asked.

"It's a statue, dumbass!" Marie answered.

"Hey, y'know who that looks like?" Lee wondered, "That weird Indian guy! What's his name?"

"Hiya, Rolf!" Ed greeted.

Focusing passed the net, Edd could indeed see the statue took the likeness of Rolf. Dressed in his Urban Rangers uniform with arms pressed to his sides, the statue cast a scornful glare towards the Kankers staring at it. Edd couldn't tell, with this net in the way, but he could swear there was something in the statue's hand.

"I think it's starin' at us!" May said.

Before Lee cracked her palm upside her head. "Statues don't stare, retard!"

"That's why they're statues!" Marie added.

"Now c'mon!" Lee ordered, "Our husbands have some husbandly duties to fulfill!"

The moment The Kankers took their attention away from the statue...

"SHAKLAVAH!"

They turned and the statue was on Lee, clubbing her over the face with a fish. As she stumbled back,

"GERONIMO!"

Above Marie a blur of blue and yellow descended from the trees and pounced on her, while something spun into May's face.

With the net, the poor vantage and the chaos of limbs, The Eds could hardly see what was happening. It didn't help when a familiar blue vest over a yellow T-shirt appeared in front of them.

"Outta the way, Jimmy! I can'-" Eddy stopped. "Jimmy? Is that really you?!"

"Hold still, fellas!" Jimmy hissed and from a backpack, he produced a pair of hedge clippers. Breath and hope bloomed in their chests. Here were the Urban Rangers, coming to save them! However, Jimmy found himself struggling. Even with his whole body on the lever, the clippers stuck into the line.

"Jimmy!" Edd called to him, "The Kankers treated this net with their rubber cement! You need to use Acetone to dissolve it!"

Jimmy blinked. "Acetone?"

"The honor of the Urban Rangers shall be avenged Kanker witch!" Rolf roared behind them.

Edd bit his lip, having enough view to see Lee catch Rolf's mackerel then use is to throw him against a tree. With a wheez, Rolf crumbled to the ground. Hurry up, Eddward! Edd wracked his brain: Various cleaning products had that crucial formula; Laundry detergent, a particle board, paint remover, fingernail polish remov- That was it!

"Jimmy, have you any nail polish remover?" Edd urged.

"What?!" Eddy snapped behind him.

"This is no time for a makeover, Double D!" Jimmy strained, those hedge clippers still weren't clipping.

"No! Nail polish remover contains acetone, which should dissolve the rubber cement!" Edd hastily explained.

"Hey, get this thing off me!"

Every eye turned to see May's wrestling match with a hunk of wood go to the ground. Rolling about, May could only keep Plank at arms' length in the brief moments she was prone. The whole time, cold crayoned eyes stared, smiling. Always smiling.

The chaos stopped for a moment.

"Really, May?" Marie sighed.

The fighting resumed. Meanwhile, Jimmy fished out a bottle of nail polish remover, nearly fumbled with it, then dumped its contents over the net. As Edd predicted, the formula already began its work and Jimmy's clippers bit then severed the bonds. The three Eds dug their way from the net, Eddy pushing Edd aside before Ed grabbed the sock-hatted one on his way out.

"FREEDOM!" Ed cheered

Finally able to see the fight proper; they could see Lee charging at Rolf while the farmer pushed himself to sit crossed legged. With a roar, Lee hefted the fish up and swung down all of her force right into...  Rolf's feet?

"What th-" Lee barely had time to be shocked.

Rolf rolled back, allowing the force of Lee's strike to yank her into the tree supporting his posture. A subtle CRUNCH carried over to the Eds, who winced. When Lee stumbled back on unstable legs, the onlookers could make out a splatter of blood where Lee's face kissed the tree.

At the same time, Marie had caught Jonny in a headlock. Yet, the nature-lover took to pounding into her mid-section the moment her arms circled his neck. Wincing and gritting her teeth, Marie struggled through the blows until one of them sunk into her lower abdomen.

Edd, despite everything, nearly shared her pain. Did Jonny know he just struck her ovaries? Regardless, Marie's hold slacked and the boy spun behind her, locking arms against that same spot (perhaps he does) then bent backwards, lifting the gasping, groaning Marie up, back and suplexed her head into the soil.

May finally had the presence of mind to simply throw Plank away. Yet, having thrown the aspiring floorboard sideways; Plank simply made a U-Turn and the edge of his head clocked May across the temple. She stumbled, teetering towards Marie who finally yanked her head from the ground, and fell on her, shoving it back in.

Lee, with her hand staining red from covering a broken nose recovered, only then registered Rolf stalking her.

"Why you no good, dirty, motherfu-"

Her cocked fist left her open, and Rolf simply swung the mackerel up into her chin. A thick SPLAT confirmed his counter, with Lee sent floating backward. Despite having May's weight on her, Marie's head emerged from the earth a second time. Then Lee joined the Kanker pile and Marie was made to continue her ostrich impression.

The dust settled. Jonny caught Plank as he flew back to his lifelong friend and Rolf flicked the dirt from his weapon. They all took a moment, looking at the crumbled pile of limbs that once had been the bane of their existence.

"Holy shit! They did it!" Eddy wasn't sure he believed his own words.

"NO RAPE FOR ED!" Ed cheered

"Yes, the honor of the Urban Rangers has b-"

Marie's head plucked from the earth. Her sisters stirred back to consciousness. One by one, the sisters rose. Marie shook her head, and the dirt from her blue mane. Lee set her bloody nose straight, not even wincing as it popped into place. May sprung to her feet and menaced a tree behind her sisters. Marie back handed her and she turned.

“And they’re getting back up.” Jonny said.

The Kankers took a step forward. 

“Time for Phase Two.” Rolf nodded

Phase Two? The Eds turned wide, dilating eyes on their rescuers... And watched them sprint in the opposite direction. Aren't they going to...

"Quick!" Jimmy urged from behind them, "Come with us if you wanna live!"

No one had to tell The Eds twice. With hell hot on their heels, fear became fuel and fatigue was a myth. They didn't look back. They must never look back. To look back was to invite capture. To look back was to resign yourself to a fate that made death seem like a vacation.

Okay, perhaps one look wouldn't...

"GOOD LORD!" Marie was barely a breath away from snatching Edd's hat. "STEP ON IT FELLOWS! THEY'RE GAINING!"

Suddenly, Rolf whistled and ahead of him, his goat, Victor, his pig, Wilfred, and his cow... His cow burst out from the brush parallel to the runners and fell in beside them. With a hop, Jonny and Rolf mounted Victor and Wilfred with a practiced easy.

When Jimmy prepared the same, a rock stubbed his toe and inertia planted his face in the dirt. His desperate flailing managed to catch the cow's tail, leaving the wailing, crying sod to be dragged against the dirt. Every once in a while he was flipped and turned and the trees carried his cries across the forest.

"Hold on, Jimmy!" Jonny shouted.

"Turkey Eyes Ed-Boy!" Rolf addressed Ed, "Throw your companions to us! Quickly!"

"But what of Jimmy, Rol-"

Edd, along with Eddy were quickly collected in each of Ed's hands before they were thrown flailing and screaming towards the rangers. Jonny only had to hold up Plank for Edd to grab before he was flung unto Victor's back -who bleated a protest- behind him.

"Nice catch, buddy!" Jonny complimented Plank.

Plank just smiled.

Eddy's screams halted cold when Rolf's hand snatched his cowlicks from the air and slapped the boy over his shoulder. When the stars faded and his breathing reset, he stared down at Rolf's "steed".

"Why I gotta ride the pig?!"

Jimmy's cries snatched everyone's attention. With every rock, and uneven terrain and exposed root bumping him up, his grip slipped lower.

"Oh curse my dainty, baby smooth palms!" Jimmy cried.

"Do not let go, Ranger Jimmy!" Rolf shouted.

"Ed, do something!" Edd cried.

Ed's eyes sharpened. "MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE!"

Ed's sprint became a charge. Jimmy's grip slipped away, leaving the screaming boy to sprawl right into Ed's hands. Using the momentum of the catch, Ed then swung his arm and catapulted Jimmy in an arc, where he landed on his back over the cow's back.

He could barely feel May's fingers on his skin when he pitched forward unto all-fours and sped up behind, then under the cow.

"Moo?!" The cow, Jimmy and all, was suddenly hefted unto Ed's back piggy-back style. The bovine stared at the boy, then up at Jimmy. At least she didn't have to carry both of them.

"Ranger Jonny...!" Rolf shouted.

Jonny nodded then turned to Edd. "Take over, Double D!" He said then swung around to switched places with the sock-hatted boy.

Suddenly holding Plank in one hand and Victor's horn in the other, Edd's gaze frenzied about the goat. "Oh, dear! I'm driving without a license! How do I steer? Are there turning signals? Where are the brakes?!"

"Just keep'em steady, Double D!" Jonny instructed and twisted at the waist to face the Kankers.

"YER NOT GETTIN' AWAY YOU HOMEWRECKERS!" Shrieked Lee

The angry, battered and bloody hags-in-training were still three paces back. Jonny shook his head; they just don't know when to quit.

"GET BACK HERE WITH OUR HUSBANDS!" Demanded Marie.

Jonny took a trio of acorns and a slingshot from a vest pocket, bit the stems off then knocked them in the sling and drew it back.

"'N GIMME BACK MUH BACK-SCRATCHER!" May screeched.

"Scratch this!" Jonny spat.

The acorns landed in each Kanker's mouth and went down to their throats. Their pursuit tripped over itself, the Kankers clutching their throats, gagging. Lee tried to force herself up before the three of them each vomited up a tree that shoved them up into the treeline before branches and leaves bloomed, and pushed them off and back to the earth.

The Eds and Urban Rangers were too far away to hear the resounding BOOM their impact made, and the wheezes rushing out of them when the impact stole their breaths. Silence settled and as twilight cast the forest into shadows. Yet, Lee's eyes burned like the morning sun. With a roar she hefted her sisters on her shoulders and dumped them aside, then charged face first into the tree.

With Lee nursing her crushed nose, her sisters took note of the new trees blocking their progress.

"Hey, these trees are in the way!" May complained.

"No shit, Einstein!" Marie spat.

"C'mon! We'll go the other way and cut'em off at the pass!" Lee barked. And her sisters fell in behind her berserker's pace, blood flying from her destroyed nose.

SNAP

May stopped. Then her sisters stopped and marched right up to her.

"What the hell, May?!" Marie demanded.

If the two had only looked down, they would noticed the severed rope at May's foot. Instead, a eerie creak brought their attention west as a log swung into their faces and brought the stars to their eyes. Grunting and yelling, the Kankers sprawled across bushes and branches then down a hill, until finally a hole swallowed them.

In a pile, yet again, Lee once again forced herself to her feet and her sisters tumbling to the ground. Her head whipped about to observe darkness, whisking blood this way and that. Thankfully this hole was in a clearing and the moon and stars greeted them from the heavens. It would serve as a beacon, one that would direct Lee and her sisters out of this hole and lead them to their new prey. If her rabid clawing could get her out of the hole instead of tossing dirt about.

Annoyed, but fatigued, May and Marie gave their surroundings a more detailed look. For instance, the moon highlighted a small, solitary creature who watched the sisters with a hollow gaze.

"Hey look! A possum!" May pointed out.

Marie looked at the creature who canted its head, staring at them still. From the light, she made out a body of mottled grays, and a white face striped black. She turned a flat stare at her sister then slapped the blonde idiot upside her head. "You idiot! That's a-"

"WHO CARES ABOUT SOME STUPID SKUNK?!" Lee should have turned around. Should have seen the "Skunk" get taken aback by her shouting then snarl, its mouth frothing with bubbling outrage. "... We need to get outta this hole 'n hunt down those husband steal- AAAAH!"

And a furry torpedo sunk its foam-saturated jaws into her neck.

Author's note: And now for a little game.

1: You notice on a phone that the digits also have letters attached to them. Sometimes they're used to dial a word. What word does the phone number in the letter spell?

2. What animal is currently mauling the Kanker Sisters?

Whoever can guess these correctly will get a cookie!

[survivingjapan]

EPISODE 3 “Back On My Bullshit” Alex S.

Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to inform you that I am Back On My Bullshit and doing That https://youtu.be/VLVChQE7uY8

So last round, I almost died.  Everyone had apparently decided that between me and Patrick, I was the one to go.  I was the target and it wasn't like anyone was pushing for it, it was just that it was the idea settled upon.  It took me 23 hours.  23 hours to basically get it through these thick skulls that I should NOT be going home.  23 hours to shove Patrick under a bus and save my own ass.  And yet, with 1 hour left, another bitch got in the way.  Kage, in all his pointless paranoia, decided to try to reflip the vote in the last hour.  The FUCK?  I had worked so hard on flipping it that it made NO sense for it to be flipped back, especially not in the last hour.  I had convinced nearly everyone to save me, sans Tommy who had already voted and apparently Kage, and yet he tried to flip it.  WHATTTT the fuck?  So, I went into the one world chat like "lol Kage bye girl!"  And he apparently went right back to everyone and said "jkjkjkjkjkjkjkjkjkjkjkjkjk!"  UGH.  He's a sweet kid and I get the paranoia because I felt it all of yesterday, but c'mon... At the moment, I trust Jonathan a ton.  He told me I was in danger and needed to push the idea despite me thinking everything was peachy.  I also love Crow and Jaiden for working with Zack and seeing how that mess turned out LOL and now working with me.  Crow was apparently really pushing for me to stay.  A motherfucking KING.  Sarah was also really nice about everything and helped me from the get-go.  Linus is m'dad and Alex is pretty rad!!  Ashley fell asleep oops.  But I think her and I would be good together.  And Richie was telling me the full truth the whole time which also woke me up to the idea that I was still in danger.  Also Junior is really cool and adult-y. I think now that I had to work SO hard to save myself, I should be in a better position on my tribe because I've had so many conversations with so many people, and a lot of it was strategy.  So I feel like people know where my head is at.  Right now, though, my target is between Tommy and Kage.  While I know Kage is a messy bitch, Tommy's won this game.  That's insanely dangerous.  And I know he voted early but girl.... he was the only one beside Kage and Patrick (who I was actively targeting)...

https://68.media.tumblr.com/9335ba85c23ae1f01a1348b1c31c3666/tumblr_n99wduhukv1sb2lomo1_500.png

Me and Brian

I apologize for not submitting a confessional round two. I definitely was in Omaha auditioning for American Idol and those bitches told me a deserved no after my voice cracked during auditions *starts to cry*. Literally my tribe is so supportive but I'm actually fine about it. It's kinda funny that they think I like wanna die because of it but I'm literally okay. I tried and failed and what matters is that I tried.

Sup Fuckerinos! First things first I'd like to apologize for not making a confessional episodes 1 or 2. I've been busy^tm. Also I'd like to thank the hosts for this opportunity! So recap I was placed on the heroes tribe with literally the entire Solomon hosting team, Johnny, and the Malaysians. So when we lost the first challenge an alliance was created consisting of me, Pippa, Andrew, Kendall, Drew, Alex, & Johnny. Mist was voted out 11-1 (and Mist voted for me :') kms) because literally everyone and their damn mother came to that conclusion with a little point in the right direction from our alliance. I'm not going to lie I'm kind of pissed that everyone wanted Mist when we had the opportunity to vote out someone who's more threatening like Drew, Steffen, or Andrew but if no one else is down to do it then I guess I can't do anything about that RIP Mist. Andrew wants to get out Kendall and/or Alex instead of Drew and I see where he's coming from but I think he's too trigger happy and I think he's failing to realize that there are and will be repercussions to the things he does. Including the backlash that he will feel from the other heroes even Pippa but I can't tell him anything because I obviously don't know anything. He's got such a fucking hard head but if he wants to be stubborn and reckless let him because I'm not going to let him ruin my redemption arc even if we are good friends. I'll write his name down and not think twice. I'll shed only one tear for what could've been but was ruined by his reckless ass. Also I have something with Steffen on the side so if worse ever comes to worse I have him and I really like Trace and Ruthie so maybe I could do something with that? Idk but besides Andrew I really like this tribe. Blood is going to start spilling soon so I hope these bitches brought their heels. 

Okay so I'm seeing myself becoming a lot nastier in the last few days....maybe these villains are rubbing off on my obviously heroic personality?? Firstly, I can now see why people had issues with Tommy in Cutthroat now....he's so hard to talk to... I feel he means well as a person but I just have a gut feeling that he's lying to me a lot.... Like about how his vote was locked "too early"? Seems convenient that you mention this to people AFTER the votes are revealed and you're in the minority? And then threatening me with the possibility of drawing rocks if it were to go to 6-6-1? Seriously? It's insulting... As of now, I'm probably closest to Sarah, Brian, Jaiden, and Jonathan so if I can maintain those relationships and reach out to the Linus/Junior duo I feel confident I can hang with these villains!

Listen I know this is my first confessional and that's awful of me but like I haven't had anything to say until this moment. If This selfie scavenger hunt Comes down to the geopositional division of the tribes And whose sun sets first Imma lose it It will be a tantrum And you will all bear witness to what happens when moving stress has pushed a person to the very edge, and the last string snaps.

Well, we lost another immunity. I am thinking maybe we should go afterJonathan, who pretty much did NOTHING for this scavenger hunt. But honestly I aint going to speak my mind because it could get me killed. In a game with this many people my strategy for right now will be to lay low, just not too too low. Hopefully Sarah or Tommy will run the show. For now.

WELL we lost again and im pissed bc i dont feel comfortable with my position on this tribe i havent formed good relationships with anyone and that's how i play these games by making 1 on 1 relationships with people that keep me safe until i can make moves but ugh idk theres just no one here that i........connect with???

So I guess my name is going around... I mean I am literally sitting in the middle of my bedroom floor packing to move so I can't really help being a little inactive on the chatting side, but challenge wise I have done quite a bit for this tribe so far, and I am really people can see that. but I mean oh well. 

HFDJKA;VHJDFKAL NOW I KNOW WHY THE FOUR OF THEM WANTED TO WORK TOGETHER FUCKING DREW ALEX KENDALL AND ISAAC WERE ALL IN MALAYSIA AND THEY DRAGGED ME AS THEIR FIFTH AND PIPPA AND ANDREW AS 6TH AND 7TH OML THEY GOTTA GO THIS IS LITERALLY THE PERFECT CASE TO TURN ON THEM. The only person I told I wanted Ruthie out was Andrew, but now I'm not even sure if I'd want to take Ruthie out this round because those four could be so threatening down the road, but I also have to keep in mind that those four all being from Malaysia is target enough when we all get together as heroes AND villains, so maybe I just take the safe route and go for Ruthie here, and then if we lose for the third time, that's when I pull everyone else into the fold and it can be everyone against the four of them to AT LEAST get Kendall and Alex out of here because they're too damn good. I'm trying to take out all the really good players early, but I also think there's a chance that'll make me oober vulnerable, so I'm not too sure what the plan is yet. I guess I'll just play it out for now and see what my closest people think. I'm definitely going to tell Dom, Trace and Steffen about the four of them all playing in Malaysia together. This is where my research gets me! FUCK YES!

Steffen is probably about to make a confessional about how I was moving 100000 miles a minute with everything I was throwing at him. Just be prepared LMAO

I hate this game. Every round, I think the game is going to simplify, but this villains tribe is a complete mess and I wouldn't be shocked if we lost the duel and had to go to yet another tribal council 24 hours from our current one. Apparently, the vote is between Ashley and Jonathan for being extra quiet this round.  What scares me is that I have no reason to really vote either out.  I'd much rather vote Tommy or Kage who I have no intention on working with in the future ever ever ever.  I don't have a personal issue with either, I just don't see myself ever working with someone who tried to vote me out.  It's not logical.  But then again, nothing that's happened on this crusty ass tribe has been logical.  Vote me out over Pat?  Majority said so until I flipped it (with some help who really pushed the move over the edge). This round, I guess I want Ashley to go?  But I don't want to draw lines.  I'd rather Kage go in an easy vote and that's that.  But it ain't happenin' and I really don't need my name circulating yet again. Here's to hoping I don't get idoled out or go via rocks... please...

BITCH the villains tribe is a fucking mess i cant stand it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this vote is fucking ridiculous again no one has a clear plan theres no way of getting anyone to tell you whats actually going down its all just second hand names being tossed out and its like.... driving me fucking crazy theres 24 people still in the game so im just trying to lay low which im sure thats what everyone else is trying to do and thats why no one is just outright saying who they're voting for and like i get it but i want to die!!??? it looks like either jonathan ashley or kage are going... jonathan is inactive i've only spoken 2 words to him and he hasnt done anything to help in the immunity challenges so its easiest to vote him out but i liked him when he called out kage for his bullshit in the tribe chat so that was fun ashley is pretty inactive too but she helped more in the scavenger hunt BUT shes also wicked connected to people in this game from past tumblr survivor games relationships she has played with a lot of people in this game and thats scary to let her stay around and utilize those relationships kage i dont think is a real option but just ashley being mad that he is one of the ones that has said her name but i'd be cool with that because we've talked a good amount but i can tell he's a messy player he caused a lot of last minute chaos at our first tribal and i feel like kage tommy and linus have something going on so id like to break that potential group up idk whats going to happen bc this tribe is a literal disaster if i had to guess i'd assume jonathan will be leaving tonight and idc who it is as long as im still here (although i do need alex to stay for sanity reasons) i just dont want a tie or to be in minority and with that i guess we'll see what actually happens ugh why the fuck did yall think i was a villain fuck you i want to be over there with the good bitches 

God I keep half forgetting to make confessionals please don't hate me. I really do enjoy our tribe, winning challenges is great but I'm afraid that people are simply talking more than I am which is my fear. I'm around but not specifically talking with people. I hope the Early 30s know I'm working with them whole heartedly and don't try and back stab me. Other than that I'm living life and having fun.

 I have a feeling that an idol is gonna come out and I love being messy, so voting for Kage was just so he can be #afraid that his name came up. And like lowkey a fucking Sapphire idol could show up so who knows what happens with that. I'm just trying to fuck some lives over though so IF THAT HAPPENS, then maybe I'll be the only vote to eliminate Kage? Lmao

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2tGhgF8_Uxk third babes

[demitgibbs]

Troye Sivan Talks Finding Power in Femininity, Unhibited Second Album

Nobody is stopping Troye Sivan except for maybe Troye Sivan. No queer-averse label bosses, no identity-stifling pressure to be anything but who he is: the LGBTQ community’s precious paradigm of unapologetic, unicornian queerness.

But even with the YouTube-launched pop fixture’s steady mainstream rise, with assists from Ariana Grande on a single featured on his sophomore album, Bloom, and a live duet at a recent Taylor Swift concert, the 23-year-old’s follow-up to 2015’s Blue Neighborhood refuses to sacrifice self for commercialism.

And he won’t stop there this time, not during this album cycle (or ever): In the seductive video for the album’s first single, “My My My!,” Sivan works a room doused in the carnal grit and flashing lights of a gay bar’s seedy backroom – and also an entire street – in a blistering heat as hot as the shirtless guys feeding his desire.

He’s coy about its subject matter, but Sivan wrote an entire song about bottoming too.

I tell the South African-born, Australian-reared Sivan that “Bloom,” notably an official single, is the perfect Monday song to crank on your way to work, or at a family gathering. Its gay-sex specificity perhaps lost on heterosexuals, the anthemic send-up is concurrently a love song and the most liberating of queer secrets. Giggling, he tells me, “That was the goal.”

Elsewhere, the celebratory, spirited and brazenly gay Bloom turns the page on Sivan’s youth, which was cast with wistfulness and, admittedly, tentativeness on Blue Neighborhood, his first Capitol Records album. That same sentimental lilt – but now, with winks – also marks his burgeoning adult years captured on Bloom: losing his virginity to an older man during a Grindr hookup (the dreamlike, fraught-with-realness “Seventeen”); recognizing he’s failed his better half (the tender and winsome “The Good Side”); and a strutting, newfound sexual liberation, with “Bloom” and “My My My!”

Sivan’s transparency is hardwired: He truly can’t be anything but himself. This is clear on Bloom, but holds true during conversation, as Sivan talks about deriving power from femininity, working through residual queer issues, and dealing with the fear of shooting “My My My!” with a crew of dudes bigger than him.

WATCH:

Did you imagine you’d be answering all these questions about sex after “Bloom” was unleashed into the world?

No way. Honestly, I never would’ve thought I would have written that song. That song came out of a session that I felt wasn’t going too well. It was me and my best friend (and producer) Leland, us being like, “OK, well how do we make the most of this day? Let’s just start messing around and having fun.” And we wrote it that night – never, ever thought that it would see the light of day. We ended up with something that I thought was really, really cool and interesting and real.

Mainstream culture has come around to same-sex love, but gay sex is still taboo. Does your frankness about gay sex on this album feel radical or political?

Not really. I wanted to make music for people like me. The first album I was conscious of trying to keep things really digestible for as many people as possible. This time around I had a different set of goals, which were to really, actually, accurately represent where I feel like I am in my life. And if it’s talking about going out and partying, or if it’s talking about staying at home and cooking in the kitchen – or if it’s talking about sex – whatever it is, I wanted a 20-year-old queer person to hear this and be like, “Oh yeah, this is, like, legit.” 

What influenced you to deliver something more queer-specific?

It was having all of these really inspiring experiences and meeting all of these really inspiring people. You know, whenever I start writing music, my number one goal, always, is to keep things honest and real, because I think it’s the only way to stay relevant and stay true over a long career. I wanna be doing this for the rest of my life, and I don’t know if I’m gonna be able to be thinking about cool concepts and things like that for the rest of my life. But I’ll always be able to speak about where I am in my life, that’s always gonna be there. So I fall back on that, and I wanted to not hold anything back. It’s so cool to me to be able to celebrate all of those things I was celebrating in my real life. So, why not go for it and talk about that on the album?

When did the album’s more defiantly queer narrative begin to take shape artistically?

It was probably just the moment where I had immersed myself in the LGBTQ community. When I think about my real life, I have almost exclusively queer people around me in L.A. I’m living in this little bubble right now where I forget sometimes that it’s a thing and that there are, like, straight people in the world (laughs).

I’m sure that you’re reminded when you perform in small towns that aren’t like West Hollywood.

Right, exactly. And then I travel to somewhere like that or I’ll go home to Australia – or I’ll just read the news – and very quickly get reminded just how lucky I am and how specific my experience is. But my hope is that it’s an experience of hope for people, that they hear this and feel like, “Oh, that’s possible and I can go and live this happy and healthy and fulfilled, fun life.” And see that there is, 100 percent, another side to the world.

For some gay people, coming out doesn’t mean the personal battle has been won – there’s still overcoming sexual repression. I feel like you work through some of that on this album.

Probably, yeah. Totally. And I think just in general a lot of the residual issues that queer people deal with have also completely followed me into my older life, just internalized homophobia that I’ve held onto without meaning to from when I was, like, 13 or whatever. It’s like, “Oh no, you can’t talk about that or you can’t sing about that.” I’m doing my very, very best to actively throw all that away. It’s been really empowering.

What has been the most challenging part of navigating the music industry as an unapologetically out gay man?

Normal music industry stuff. I came into the industry at the perfect time for me, a time where people were willing to let me be who I am and say what I want and do what I want, so that’s been the biggest blessing. All that really leaves is just personal challenges of like, what do I want from my career? Am I making sure that I’m releasing the very best thing that I possibly can? And what’s inspiring to me? And do I want this to be a radio smash, and if I do, how am I gonna get there? Or do I just want this to be something that means something to people, and how am I gonna get there? It’s been fairly typical music industry stuff, which I feel really thankful for, because I think 10 years ago, it would’ve been a whole separate set of worries and issues that now feel much more intense than dire.

Is your goal to make gay radio smashes?

I actually don’t know. For me, I’ve walked this line between having a really young, active online audience – a similar audience that you would see at an Ariana Grande or Justin Bieber show – and then also wanting to do these really subversive queer pop songs. I think my approach to it is not thinking too much about what I want commercially, just letting things happen, making stuff that I like. Hopefully if I like it, somebody else is gonna like it.

When you performed “The Good Side” on SNL in January, I got lost in you getting lost in the song. For a performance like that, are you in the moment? Or does your mind tend to wander beyond the performance?

I’m mostly just in the moment. Sometimes I think about the lyrics. I try not to think about them too much because, like “Good Side,” it’s one of the most personal songs on the album and that can get kind of weird, being that vulnerable, so I try not to let myself go too deep into the hole. But in general, I’m just thinking about doing the song justice.

WATCH:

You have a role in the forthcoming film Boy Erased, starring Nicole Kidman and Russell Crowe as parents who send their child to a conversion-therapy camp. What about the film resonated with you? 

The script. I just couldn’t put the script down. It really tore at me. Then I read the book and started immersing myself as much as I possibly could in that world. My coming out experience – and the moment where I accepted my sexuality as something that I couldn’t change – was a weight off of my chest. This wasn’t for me to deal with; it was more for everyone else. I had come to the point where I had accepted it within myself, and then it was about navigating through the rest of the world: my family, my friends.

So, the thought of going to a program like the one in the film at that crucial, vulnerable moment and being told, “No, this is 100 percent back on you, and you’re filling a God-shaped hole in your life with these tendencies” was one of the most harmful and hurtful things that I can imagine. It’s been proven to be ineffective and extremely dangerous, and you’re signing these kids up for an impossible task. It really hit home and struck a chord with me, and I haven’t wanted anything as bad as I wanted this role in this movie, so I just auditioned and thankfully got the part.

Your sister once caught you in a vulnerable state, dancing to Madonna’s “Like a Prayer.” When did you become comfortable with that kind of vulnerability on stage?

It’s still really new to me. I think the “My My My!” video was a huge step for me personally; that was a moment where I really had to actively pep talk myself into it. I knew that was the way I naturally wanted to move to the song, and that was the way the song made me feel, but that didn’t make it any easier to do in a big group of people – especially with burly cameramen! (Laughs) It was scary! But when I pushed through, I felt how amazing it felt. It felt so right, and now I have to retrain my brain a little bit to be able to do that on stage and to be able to do that in front of other people.

How do you get into that mental space?

It’s a really active decision that I have to make. I have to actually think about it and push through a lot of nerves and vulnerability. And, again, the only reason I do it is because it’s what feels right to me. That’s what I would do in private. So, why the hell not do it publicly, and celebrate that?

You were scared of your feminine attributes as a child. Can you tell me about your journey to embracing femininity? And when you do embrace it now, how it makes you feel?

I was really scared of it in my childhood, and it was something that I definitely tried to shy away from. Now, I celebrate it as such a source of power for myself. I feel so liberated and free, and I’m having fun. And femininity is magical. Who wouldn’t want to be feminine?

It took me a second to get to that point, but now that I’m here it’s so fun to be able to push through all of those worries. On the other side of that is such a liberated existence where you can just do whatever you want, and it’s just been a pleasure.

How would you compare where you were to where you are now?

It’s like night and day. It feels really artistically inspiring to me, really personally inspiring. And I’m just much happier.

from Hotspots! Magazine https://hotspotsmagazine.com/2018/08/30/troye-sivan-talks-finding-power-in-femininity-unhibited-second-album/ from Hot Spots Magazine https://hotspotsmagazine.tumblr.com/post/177553844055

[voiceactinguk]

Yes', I'm Fine, Really! - A Sims 4 comedy

Project description: Hi! So this is a series of short episodes called « Yes, I'm fine, really ! ». The title is pretty ironic considering it's about Rhys, a 23 year old who is seriously depressed but will not admit she is. Her depression having a huge impact on her life, she just failed her final year of college, which lead her to making a stupid decision that got her in a hospital bed. The story will be about her coming to terms with her illness, and meeting new people along the way. Such as Adam, a boy who's even more messed up than she is, if that's a thing. This is the second episode, feel free to check the first one out, so you get a feel of what I'm going for. I did change games though, so take a look at this, as you can see I'm going for a more realistic vibe, and the voice acting has to match. This is unpaid and the parts are supporting parts, nothing too major, each character has one or two scenes. Now, a few rules: - Have a clear mic, and please no background noise, it's so tricky to edit out - Be committed: this will last for 10ish episodes, I'd like to not have to recast because it's always a huge pain in the butt - Have emotions: as much as this is a comedy it gets super dark sometimes, so you gonna need to be able to do both! Also, the dialogue has to feel real, just pretend you're chatting with your mates - Take care of you: this deals with suicide, depression, eating disorders,  family drama and has it's fair share of swearing. If you don't think you can do it: don't, your mental health comes first. Character List: - Asher Higami, 23 years old male, American accent: Asher is a nice boy who tries to hard, and it clashes with Rhys (his girlfriend, the main protagonist). Can get quite emotional, but is always nice and trying his best. Also is incredibly awkward. In this specific episode, he's not angry as he was in the first episode, he's making amends and is trying to make their relationship work. Lines: 1. *being incredibly awkward* Hi! I already said that - I uh, hm need help with uh, with your bag? 2. *relieved* I have to say I'm – I'm really surprised, I was expecting you giving me the cold shoulder and finding creative ways to insult me but- 3. *sad* I thought you were doing well, what happened? I want to be here for you, Rhys please don't do this. - Gemma Dunphy, 35 years old female, English accent: she has a daughter who is her everything, which creates a duality in her personality. When she's talking about work she's very direct and does not mess around, but when it's about her daughter she gets really soft, she's a really loving mother. She's driven, very confident and you know in the way she speaks she's a busy woman who gets to the point. LINES: 1. *sighs/getting heated* I have to go now, I have to deal with the shitstorm this idiot kid I'm managing created by posting something extremely inappropriate on Twitter - I mean it's 2018 who does that?! 2.*bitter laugh* Tell me about it, you try being a 35 year old widow and get back to me on that one. Spoiler alert: there's nothing funny about it. 3. * being brutally realistic* And I'm telling you: you're not going anywhere having morals, so what it's gonna be then love? You're clever, I trust you'll make the right choice. - Elisabeth "Lillie" Dunphy, 9 years old female, American accent: Elisabeth is a super mature child (she's 9), you don't have to be super high pitched and cutesy to voice her. She acts and thinks like an adult and is basically Rhys' best friend and keeps it super real. I can even pitch your voice up if you don't feel like faking a young voice. LINES: 1.*sad* Two years. It's been two years I lost my dad Rhys. All I ask is to be able to play the piano again. It's the only thing I have left of him. Please. 2.*grumpy* I'm not going to that. 3.*a bit angry* It's not fair.There's a piano sitting in the living room I'm not allowed to touch. And I can't take lessons either? It's not fair, Rhys! - Random girl in the street, mid twenties, American accent: The most annoying person in the universe basically. Gets barely pushed past by Rhys in the street, loses her sh*t. Really nasty person. LINES: 1.*full of attitude* Uh, excuse you?! 2. *mean and petty* Yeah you better be sorry, watch where you're going, God-uh! Deadline: I'll close the audition process on the 31st of Januany 2018. So yeah if you're interested please audition before that date! Contact info: Hit me up at indiewarhol@outlook.com or on my Twitter at NDWRHL_ Thank you for reading! http://dlvr.it/Q8vMv9 www.voiceacting.space

[butbelieveinwhat]

5/10/17 - 22.59

Lately I have been telling myself that if I don’t ask, I will never know.

And now I fear that that advice that I am giving myself is too late. That it is a lesson I have subconsciously learned and am using to guide myself in the future. Yet what if not knowing it before prevented me from going down a more artistic path. 

It’s terrifying to think that the course you study at university will be the only thing you do for the rest of your life. That thought is also wrong. I know that. But I am still young enough for 4 years to seem like an eternity. In 4 years I will be 23. Which is not old by any standards. But I have no idea what I will be like at that age. Who will that person be? I have changed and grown so much over the past year so how can I predict who I will be in 4 times that, and I cannot find comfort or security in not knowing and that’s scaring me. 

And I learn about the future by looking at the past and so I see where I was 4 years ago and see how long and bumpy the journey from there to here was, and sometimes it makes me adventurous and curious about what the next bumps will be, but other times I feel exhausted. 

I fear that I have made the wrong choice. I want to remind myself right now that it is ok to be good at a spread of things rather than just one thing. That is ok.

I made the choice because having a degree in history is viewed as a good thing in society. And because I like history. I write that as though is was an after thought. It wasn’t And I am already tired of hearing “but what can you do with a degree in history?” I don’t know. Does anyone? What can you do with a degree in anything. I expect to feel a sense of accomplishment. Maybe some satisfaction. A weird melancholic or nostalgic or bittersweet feeling in my stomach and cheeks because more of my life will be behind me. I also made the choice to study history because I wanted to make my teacher proud of me. The same teacher who was so very excited when I told him I wrote and wanted to perform music. I remember that because he was the first adult to really be excited about that rather than “ah ok” or “really?...alriiight” said with such hesitation. 

Which makes me think I should have studied music. ‘Studied’ is the wrong word. I wanted to be in an environment where creativity was encouraged and connections could be made. And I loved the idea of being an arts student. Getting to walk around the city with this heavy guitar and effectively having a licence to dress a little unconventionally and be all young and artistic and free spirited. While that doesn’t align perfectly with me now, I felt it was a version of myself I could grown into and not hate which would help with the insecurity of not knowing the future. But I was terrified of a competitive atmosphere. Even if it didn’t exist, I would feel as though I was in competition with everyone who’s better than me. Because I always feel like I’m not good enough. 

I think that’s my main insecurity - not feeling like I’m not good enough when it comes to music. If I was to analyse it further and question where that stems from I would pin point two moments in my life. First would be when I was 9 or 10 years old and trying out for my primary school choir. The music teacher auditioned us in twos. I was with a friend of mine who, quiet honestly, I could sing better than. Yet she got in the choir and I didn’t. I was a very sensitive child. Second would be throughout music class in secondary school when we would have to perform in front of the class once a term. I was fine playing guitar in front of my class. Apart from the slight, manageable anxiety before hand and the shaking foot during the performance. Buuut when it came to singing in front of my class. Holy moly, that was another kettle of fish. I never did it right. Not once. I remember hearing myself as it was going wrong and thinking “no this isn’t it. I can do it right, why is it going wrong?” But what is so strange is I sang so well in my exam. I got an A that year. And then the next year I was still terrified but it wasn’t the same level. The fear of messing up in front of everyone again was still there. And at the end of that year when my teacher ( a different one from the year before) put on a concert and I had to sing solos on stage in front of the whole school and their parents, I was ok. Yes I was so scared and would have rather run the opposite direction. But the girl who was singing the other parts of the song with me was so scared too and she was crying earlier that day. And I was comforted knowing what I felt wasn’t uncommon and even the amazing singers feel it. But that fear of messing up and others being better than me is still very much in place. 

And that’s why I didn’t apply for any music performance courses this year. 

I don’t need to do the course to perform music. It’s not as though that’s some mandatory gate way to a real life stage. It couldn’t hurt, but it’s not necessary. 

So perhaps this year I will do both. 

No one knows me in the city. They’re not going to tell me if I was awful. They’re not going to fail me. 

I think in typing this I have comforted myself. The heavy, slight tingling feeling in my cheeks is gone. 

Until the next time,

Goodnight.