#(esp given that i DID put years of effort into certain things yet i still suck or i lost my ability to do them with time)

[daz4i]

it's so hard being a person who needs to be the best at everything when you are slightly below average at best at any given department

[dumblemonchickenwing]

vent. too much information

I remembered I had notes on my phone saved, where I wrote down my feelings about my ex. This feels wrong to do, but even now I find my feelings are being controlled by their past actions.

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This whole thing just breaks me on various levels. Perhaps I was always supposed to only value platonic friendships, and what happened to me was my punishment for going into something new to me, and betraying my friend.

Today's addition:

I sort of felt something felt bad or off, and felt disoriented and confused, but now when I was making my bed, I thought to myself "I make my brother's bed every day too, and its considered a normal thing that should be taken for granted." And then I had a flashback to my ex's words and times with them.

I realized I felt like I was taken for granted, and everything I did. Obviously I did things Not for the sake of having something given to me in return. i started to feel that way after I got treated by them a 'certain way'. Despite me working hard for the relationship, I'd hear them lecture me and say how I "should work for relationship".

I listened to them when they vented. I was by their side when they were depressed and said hurtful or wrong things. I never judged them for their mental sicknesses. I proposed suggestions or said comforting words, even on times when they were unfair to me. I showed patience even on days when they accused me, doubted me, lashed out on me. I did what they wanted to do together. I did what they said was their need. I took time even when I was busy to comfort them. I didnt traumadump on them even when I had terrible things going on in my life because I knew they had their own stuff going on and that it would be unfair to them. I was not getting mad at them for struggling bc ..why would I? It would be unfair.

I did the activities they enjoyed, albeit I admit I was not the best watcher of streams and had my moments (esp when I was depressed or triggered by the content and behaved unexcited but didnt say what was wrong). I even waited for them when they were busy with.. gaming and school and other stuff.

And with all that, they would hint that Im doing something not good enough, and would keep on telling me "relationship is work". And yet Their part of work was them enjoying their life and not manipulating me.

When one time I tried to address how they were not very fair toward me, they, instead of hearing me out, replied by saying "Ive changed for you". Not "why do you think that way?" or "i want to listen to your point of view", but blatant "Hey, I know I was unfair and manipulative, but I have actually changed , and Your are problematic here, and frankly also you are ungrateful."

When They put what they called 'work", I believed them, I still do. And I was grateful for every littel crumb they left. But for them..

they'd say "Yeah, my needs are met so far, im satisifed". Not "Thank you for what you do, it must have been hard" or anything close to that. Just "My needs are met". Like I am a worker , and I should meet their standards (although, that was how I have been treated from the very beginning. Someone who must meet their standards)

When I addressed and said "I feel my efforts are taken for granted." I dont remember eveyr detail but I ll admit they did adk "How so?" But I was so confused and infuriated by years of mistreatment that I didnt react adequately at all. They then said "I think My efforts are taken for granted." And they couldnt bring a proper example, and said "for example, I ask you how you are doing".

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Phone notes.

Written on 27 of July:

Blatanly manipulating me

Threatening me

Traumadumping on first days when we just met without asking my consent

Comparing traumas when you didn't bother to learn what i deal with Antagonizing me and making assumptions about me based on your feelings alone.

When I didn't even do anything for you to say all the sruff you said to my face . Treating me like I was a bonus to your life and not my own being Took for granted all the hell i ve gone through to be with you.

Took for granted that i spoke Your language when I had other whole first language. Used my physical struggle as a cute quirk Yelled at me and cursed at me when I was at my lowest and out of energy to be strong, and never apologized for any of it. Blamed it on me instead. Acted like I add to Your problems

Overall being so damn entitled to me, to my being, to my time, to my energy, to my feelings. Blatanly refused to change something I suggested, in your attitude,bc i needed it bc it deeply hurt and made me feel like i was nothing. Refused to listen and called my attempts to explain myself as arguing without trying to look into what i felt or tried to say. Ghosted me and gave cold treatment, acted unfair, and Then demanded My apology. Made sexual advances without asking my consent and instead of owning up to mistakes or respecting my space, guilt tripped me For Having Trauma Related Uncomfortableness - by bringing up your trauma . Demanded my attention when i had classes, yet Shouted at me or got Openly mad because of you needing to focus on school. Said "it's pointless to talk with you" "you shit on me(my boundaries)" to my face when I was just trying to speak bc I was deeply upset (and traumatized by all the things you had done to me.) Would get upset at me being myself, and would only calm down once i got crooked into doing and acting like you.

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Written on 23 of April:

I could and I've always been willing to show understanding and let many things slide. But I'm just so tired. I've been doing it toward them, many.many times. Hearing that bordeline accusative request ,"look at how it makes me feel, be nicer to me" feels like insult to the deep, big,  injury. I Always looked at how things made them feel. I been giving in at every step. I've been making steps at hard times. And hearing them say that in a tone that implies I didn't work enough or like I was a jerk who didn't show understanding, arrives me at conclusion that they just.. didn't see it, or are insensitive toward our history. I gave in many times, I can't even count them. When they could make fun of me and turn away from me when i was struggling. And on top of that, they'd invalidate my personal problems and struggles by claiming I don't have them , just cause they feel like i don't have them. Oh, and also that time when they needed break from the stress they got from yelling at me.  When something was off, they'd jump to accusations at me, would decide for me what my intentions were or who i was When something was off, they'd say to me hurtful things like "you can't be reasoned with", "i just can't with you", "it's pointless to talk with you" They didn't want to listen to my pleads about what hurts me, and when i asked from them to change something they'd said "I won't do it" And yet i was not allowed to leave because they'd threaten me or throw guilt tripping lines at me. And with all that, they claimed they loved me and even told me that its them who does the work and i dont appreciate it , which only added insult to the injury. The way they treated me throughout years, left huge stain on me . I can't even articulate or put my thoughts together when i have to speak about them. I had to attempt to rewrite explanations on how they made me feel, for 2 years, to make sense of it. This note was written after many many attempts. I hope it was consize and informative enough this time.

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Little things:

One day, when they kept talking about politics, asked them to not talk politics bc I struggle with it and its hard for me. They said "okay"

On the next day, they messaged me with political stuff again.

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It gets hard to type on mobile for me. my fingers struggle to move. So I use autofill or omit certain words and my way of writing looks a bit.. odd.

They started writing the same way when talking to me. Explained it by saying it looks cute and they find it quirky (?)

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When I tried to talk seriously with them about what hurt me in our interactions, I struggle with finding words, so my way of wording what upset me sounds odd.

They immediately would use my own words to shift blame on me, even when the blame was misplaced. Stopped trying to articulte my hurts, because hurts to have my words stolen.

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Had the courage to share something I dont tell peope because its a very deep mental issue I have that controls my well being and im ashamed of it. Confided in them about it once.

Saw them using my struggle in a joke them wrote where they self-deprecated. "Im just standing in the corridor bc I forgot something looking like a freak . I bet the ghosts are afraid of me". Saw that post in their blog right after I shared it.

Hurt pretty much, because that issue is very serious, and leads to me have [redacted] ideas just to ecape them. and they used it as a joke. and used it to make it about themselves. and to self-deprecate. when I actually cared about them.

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[hirazuki]

Ooo I'm curious about your hot takes on the Inuyasha reboot after reading your tags 👀

Ahaha, where to start XD Idk if they are hot takes, but here are my thoughts in bullet point form for coherency, I couldn’t figure out how else to organize them. Under a cut, as usual, because it got lengthy... as usual :D

We are 13 episodes in, and I still have no idea wtf is going on or what the series is actually about. And yes, I’m aware that we didn’t know of Naraku’s existence or of the overarching plot until at least episode 16 of that series either and Inuyasha was still very episodic in nature at that early point too, but here’s the thing: Inuyasha did not build upon a pre-existing series. For better or for worse, Yashahime has certain expectations to live up to that the original anime didn’t, by virtue of its being a sequel. Unfair? Maybe, but tough; that’s what happens when you make a sequel. Additionally, despite us not knowing The Main Plot™ of Inuyasha until later, the basic framework for it was laid out clearly by... episode 2? I think? Find and collect the Shikon Jewel shards. Boom, done. Were there distractions or fillers? Sure, but you never got the sense that the characters simply up and forgot about the shards. Even in fillers, the shards often made some kind of appearance. With Yashahime, there’s like three potential storylines going on: 1. The most obvious: most of our main cast from the OG is missing; where are they? Apparently no one in-story cares! :D Inuyasha, who’s that lol. I’m all for a sequel focusing on the new generation with cameos of the old crew; after all, they already had their own series. But this is like... no one cares about them? No one talks about them? And the more characters go about not mentioning them, the stronger their absence is felt. Like, for instance, Kaede knows Moroha is InuKag’s daughter. Moroha grew up on her own, doesn’t know her parents. Kaede doesn’t mention them to Moroha, doesn’t even spare a passing thought about them for the audience’s benefit, Moroha doesn’t ask. Kagome’s family in the present day meet Moroha, recognize her as Kagome’s daughter and... say nothing??? Souta shows Towa Kagome and Inuyasha’s old photos, but doesn’t say a word to Moroha?! Like. It makes no sense. By people not even acknowledging their existence, it makes the fact that they are nowhere to be found even weirder. Also the new gen girls don’t care about their parents or finding out who they were/are... like, okay, it would maybe be in character for one or two of them, but all three don’t give a fuck??? 2. Kirinmaru/the rainbow pearls: Idk how familiar you are with the story, but similar deal with Naraku and the shards here. Kirinmaru is being set up as the villain, still a mysterious figure; our new gen trio is supposed to collect the rainbow pearls that... some of his henchmen have? Or he is after them? Or is that Riku? Unclear. ANYWAY the new gen girls often forget all about the pearls’ existence :D 3. Setsuna’s memories: Setsuna’s dreams have been stolen by the dream butterfly and they need to get them back, because without her dreams she has no memories and is unable to sleep. Cool! Finally a solid, easy-to-follow plot line! Except wait! Towa, who supposedly made it her goal to get Setsuna’s sleep back, forgets all about it! All the time! Like, none of them make an effort to look into this other than being like “oh yeah, know anything about the dream butterfly?” to random folks every now and then. The Inugang back in the day was putting some grad school level research towards their goals, just saying. It just feels like everything’s all wishy-washy and there’s nothing really solid tying the series together. People just remember shit exists when it’s convenient.

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Character development is MIA. I’m not expecting ground-breaking char dev in 13 episodes (though I do know 12 episode series that were phenomenal in that regard), but like... I do expect the series to focus on building the dynamics between the main three characters. So far, the series is more focused on teasing the audience with glimpses and promises of the OG cast instead. The creators are using nostalgia and bait (esp of a certain pairing) to drive interest in the series, rather than developing the new characters as fully-fledged characters for their own sakes. 

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Moroha is was the only thing I actually liked about the series. She is a little spitfire and you can somehow instantly see both Inuyasha and Kagome in her, while she also remains very uniquely herself; I have never seen such a successfully developed main pairing child in any series. She featured quite prominently in the first few episodes -- and unlike both her parents, she’s got a great memory and knowledge of lore -- where she balanced funny moments with badass fighting moments and being the token supernatural encyclopedia. It was great! And then... they’ve like... forgotten her. She’s been left behind so many times by the twins. She’s the butt of every joke. She’s become the type of comic relief that’s, well, insulting. More like a buffoon than anything else. And it’s basically all for the sake of giving the floor to Towa :/

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Setsuna is okay. Not offensive, but unremarkable. She’s got her dad’s personality but like way toned down due to her different growing up circumstances, which is nice, but like... I feel she isn’t given any room to grow or breathe or anything. She’s also basically there as a device to enhance Towa’s development.

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Towa... oy. I tried to like her, I really did, but she just doesn’t work for me. They set her up having a very Kurosaki Ichigo type deal with beating up bullies and getting into trouble at school and shit -- I’m fine with that. That’s cool. Esp if it’s linked to not feeling like she fits in bc she’s a hanyou? Awesome. Except once she travels back in time to the feudal era it’s all “Oh killing is bad you shouldn’t kill people” and “even though they attacked me I can’t possibly hurt them” and “you need to empathize and talk things out” and “friendship is magic” and shit. It feels like she had a personality transplant, it literally makes no sense. Her design is totally nonsensical too -- out of everyone at her school, she’s the only one dressed in a bright white suit? Do protags not wear the school uniform? Someone should tell Kagome lmao. She’s a pro at hand to hand, and she can absorb demons’ powers and fling them back at them like a personified Tessaiga, and she has a lightsaber sword, and she’s immune to miasma, and -- like... you get it. It’s too much. It’s way too OP for the type of universe that Inuyasha/Yashahime is set in. She’s hanyou for fuck’s sake; remember all the training Inuyasha had to go through? When he couldn’t lift his sword? When his sword attacked him? Sango, Miroku, Kagome, even Sesshomaru all had trouble with their weapons and had to work to become stronger. But Towa? Nope. Towa is straight out of the Yas Queen/Girl Boss manual, so she gets a free pass on everything.

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UGH they are doing the VLD/bad writing thing where things happen (like, BIG THINGS) and none of the characters actually react to them. Or stuff happens and there are no consequences. No one ever talks about anything. It’s wild.

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Everyone has amnesia!! :D People either don’t know or don’t remember anything or anyone. People who absolutely should know things all of a sudden magically don’t know them. Like, Kohaku -- traveled with an undead priestess, spent years in the company of demons, traveled with Sesshomaru... and yet had NO CLUE that Setsuna is Sesshomaru’s daughter or that she is hanyou, despite her living and working with his team of demon slayers all this time. Like... how, man. How. And Kaede! Don’t get me started. Since when does she perpetuate random demon-boogeyman type stories as facts? Demon children will kill each other in the nest so that only the strongest one will survive, therefore Setsuna must have killed Towa when they were infants. O_O What are they, sharks? Has she been hanging out with Kisame? Wtf?? And she’s speaking about Sess’s kids as though she doesn’t know him or anything about him, when she has had Rin under her roof all these years. It just makes. no. sense.

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Things that happened in the original series are happening again now! Because that’s the best we’ve got, recycled plot elements wooo! No, but really, characters that died or things that were resolved in Inuyasha keep coming back. Why? What was the purpose of bringing back Kinka and Ginka? To have a foil for Towa and Setsuna as twins? Someone please tell Sunrise they can just create new characters. Like, it’s one thing to have call backs to the original or cameos, references, whatever. But like... this is entire (dead) characters and interactions.

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No one knows how long it’s been since the original series ended. Fans initially heard 20 years from promo material, then “over 15″ and “10 years since” in-series regarding two different events, and now in a future episode summary we’ve gotten 18 years since Hosenki II gave Inuyasha the black pearl. But like, which black pearl? Because the one in Inuyasha’s eye doesn’t exist anymore, but Hosenki II had told Inuyasha that it would take 100 years for him to produce one. So, are we retconning that or where the fuck did it come from? Also, this doesn’t help one bit, it just confuses things even more. Back to the point, though, we have no coherent timeline or real frame of reference whatsoever, and I’m betting it’s in large part to keep the mystery of who is Sesshomaru’s wife going, as it keeps Rin’s age very vague. Everything is vague and mysterious in Yashahime, to the point where no one knows what’s going on, in fandom or in-story even. It’s kinda like how too much plot twist/shock reveal ruins a story, too much mystery does the same. It’s insane that both shippers and antis of that ship can lay equal claim that the “18 years since” announcement works in their favor.

tl;dr: Idk man, Yashahime is a clusterfuck of a series. Even if the mother of Sess’s twins is either of the characters I ship him with, I will still not like the series. There’s no saving this writing. Every episode feels like this:

[welcometotheocverse]

ABCs N-Z for Hope?

Yay Hope! I love her so much listen. 

N) Favourite movie or music genre.

Highly electic. She likes some of the bands that were popular for her growing up, acquires a taste for pop rock, has a few favorite songs from her father’s music selection that she absolutely will not fess up to finding some kinda comforting.

O) What’s their dream profession?

Ooof. That’s a tough  one. She’s giving me lawyer vibes but also she would have wanted to build on the money Trix left her so she would never need help from her parents anyone I’m still tossing around ideas for her actual job ;;

I know what she would Want would be something she can travel and stay at a certain standard of living she’s used to tho.

P) Is there something or someone they cannot stand? Why?  

She’s Highly resentful of her parents for their manipulative and mentally abusive  upbringing ( both with her and with Lorelai) and how they really just killed their relationship with her bit by bit. ( esp at the time the show Begins as there’s no effort of reconciling from either party) 

 She dislikes most Hartford Parents ( Tristan’s Logan’s Paris’ hell even the  Haydens ect) for similar reasons. She doesn’t care for Christopher and how he messes with her sister’s head, nor for Jason Stiles and how he literally won’t stop hounding Lorelai to date him.

She can’t stand the idea that propriety trumps what people want and also hates it when people question why she hasn’t married yet like dude she will look at you and you’ll feel your soul leave your body lmao.

Q) Did they do something extremely dangerous at some point in their life?

I’m toying with the idea of having her join the Life And Death Brigade at some point in her past because she knows her parents would hate it and it would just be a fun little side chapter.

At one point before she turned 19 Emily straight up went “if you don’t change your clothes to something presentable I am not taking you on the car with me” when they were vacationing somewhere and Hope dug her heels in and wound up staying by herself in some random country for an extra four days ( she stayed 3 extra days to spite Emily for actually leaving) and it’s defo one of those things she looks back at and goes “oh jeez I was actually  so stupid how tf am i alive.”

R) Is there something they wish they could do/achieve but can’t? 

Forgiving her parents and not being slammed with her past mistakes when they talk. She wishes there was a way to keep Lorelai and Rory in her life without having to deal with “The Emily And Richard Of It All.”

S)  Is there something in their life they regret? 

While she doesn’t regret leaving the Gilmore household because “I realized I wasn’t going to stay somewhere I wasn’t being heard, somewhere I was actually being hurt. I owe no one that.” she does regret that it cost her her relationship with Lorelai and that Lorelai herself was hurt by her actions.  

T)  Do they have any siblings? Family? Loved ones?

Siblings are easy, Lorelai is her younger sister. Family are Richard, Emily, Trix, ( The Gilmore Clan) and Rory. ( and Luke Danes and Jess Mariano when Luke and Lorelai marry/become life partners.) Loved ones are literally the same as listed above ( though with the diner boys its a bit slow burn because of Luke and Lorelai's Will They Won’t They thing and also she just doesn’t really let anyone but Lorelai and Rory in for a while. Also, her parents and Trix are a Highly Strained And Dysfunctional Kind Of Love as they’re pretty toxic for her at times.)

She miiiight have a wife around the time of AYITL  tho  >.> 

U)  Are they a morning or night person?

Night person. She loves going to cities that don’t sleep and also just likes traveling in general which tbh kinda fucks up her sleeping schedule a lot ( “I’m not a morning dove or a night owl I’m like some perpetually sleep deprived pigeon.”)

V) Do they have a pet? What kind? If not, what kind of pet would they want?

Hope has a Single Tail Goldfish tank ( like the kind with multiple fish that you get centered around one type of fish ) I can see her wanting a Bala shark tank too. They all have names and she taught them to play fetch and listen she just sorta loves them

W) How would they describe themselves in 5 or less words? 

Independent. Analytical. Grounded. Realistic. Level-headed.

X) Do they have a goal in life? What is it? 

At s1 and pre series, her main goal in life is to be free from her family’s drama and just live her own life free of manipulation. This eventually mutates into her goal in life being to reconnect with Lorelai and be there for her like she wasn’t able to for so many years tho 

Y) Is there anything in their life that’s stopping them from succeeding?

I would say her resentment of her parents ( not in regards to her not forgiving them but in regards to their actions still control her)  and the giant barriers / shields she’s put around herself since leaving her family are the main ones.

Z) Do they have an item that means a lot to them?

She has a ring given to her by Trix ( Richard’s mother) which she wears despite having her issues with her as Trix did give her ( unknowingly ) her freedom. And she does believe ( pre-series at leas) her words of “life is a battle, you enter it armed or you surrender immediately”

There’s a medallion she got from Emily and Richard as a child that she does not wear but also refuses to throw out so it goes with her everywhere. 

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