#and sometimes it’s ‘we’re all mentally ill bitch. get up.’

[sleevebuscemii]

you know. louis always choosing lestat, louis actually being genuinely incapable of fully choosing someone else over him, or letting him go, is why i think they have to be together but it’s also crazy because, as much of it IS an actual deep love from louis and it is a romance that’s like a cockroach in a nuclear war, it’s not actually out of love. or just love. like so much of louis’ attachment to lestat is an Attachment and not a love (even tho the love is there!!). lestat was there for him after a hugely fucked up time in his life (not even there to help through it necessarily just like. physically there.) lestat was his first, which to louis de repressed du catholic guilt is a big fucking deal, not just his first time or his first relationship with a man, but it’s his first actual acknowledgment and surrender to his sexuality. not to mention being with lestat means he burnt every other bridge he had, he’s isolated from friends and family and society and even when he tried to build a new one (claudia), he ended up burning that one too so that all that’s left is always lestat. but the crazy thing. the craaaaaaaziest thing. is that lestat didn’t even. do this on purpose. lestat is a bitch and liar and a monster and a manipulator but unfortunately!!!! he did not mastermind getting louis under these specific circumstances to keep him bound to him forever this bitch l i t e r a l l y. just got lucky. lestat didn’t kill paul and he didn’t force louis to stop talking to his family (negotiable but. still.) and he didn’t even ask louis not to kill him in fact. i bet he really truly thought louis would do it, that louis could do it, that he’d kill him. because even he doesn’t know the power he has over louis. the same way claudia didn’t. it’s literally only louis who knows just how fucking fucked he is with his attachment to lestat and he carries that shit around like an addict who hid a last bottle of pills in his drywall before he got clean. like he knows he’s gonna choose lestat. he’s with armand and he knows this. he’s shit talking that man to daniel 12 hours a day knowing this. its fucking insane because he knows and WE KNOW. WE FUCKING KNOW. THAT. if lestat ever walks into the fucking room. its fucking over. louis’ gonna walk out that room with him. he’s gonna punch a fucking hole in his wall and rummage through the broken drywall and grab that bottle and pop a fucking pill. go to fucking therapy mon cher. a THOUSAND sessions of emdr mon CHER.

[leaderwonim]

BUT WHY? WHY NOT.

pairing. ghostface!park sunghoon x fem!reader

summary. in a sudden turn of events, you ask with shaky tears why your boyfriend, park sunghoon, is doing what he’s doing. the answer he gives you is more terrifying than the whole situation itself.

warnings. kinda suggestive at some parts, vivid descriptions of killing, mentions of mental illness, hurt no comfort, cursing, one of the characters has a gun

tagging baes @saursoob @moons-v @wonniestars

recommended playlist. sometimes & race by alex g

“You know I love you and I’d never do anything to harm you, right?”

Park Sunghoon always loved to say that to you, especially when you separated your mouth from his and you’d give him those eyes that told him you’d do anything for him.

You were just so easy. Easy prey to catch for big strong intimidating Park Sunghoon. Easy prey to feast upon.

He was a gentleman. Looking back at the past 7 months of your relationships, you never once remembered having to open a door handle by yourself. His hand was already there before you could even touch the metal knob.

“What boyfriend would I be if I let you open doors all by yourself?” He’d say with an eyebrow raise and a smirk.

Even though he was clearly teasing you, you felt giddy that you had such a great boyfriend like him.

You just wish you saw the signs sooner.

🫀

The first red flag was how twitchy Sunghoon would get at random times. Sure, it was normal for Sunghoon to be a bit shy—even awkward—but the sudden twitchiness didn’t go unnoticed by you. It was almost if he was uncomfortable in his own skin, desperate to get out.

But Park Sunghoon was perfect. He was the perfect boyfriend, the perfect son, and the perfect boy, there was nothing wrong with him, right?

Right.

“I don’t know,” Sana says as she shakes her head, clearly frightened by what’s happening. “I feel like someone is stalking us.”

Your friend group collectively starts comforting her, all besides your boyfriend who sat next to you with a frown.

“I’m sure it’s nothing,” you say, rubbing Sana’s hands comfortingly. “Right Hoonie?”

“Yeah.” If there’s another thing about your boyfriend, he’s good at reassuring people. “Maybe you’re overthinking Sana? It’s okay, you’re safe with us.”

“He’s right.” Hyoseop, one of your other friends, chimes in. “Besides San, you can’t let this scary moment dictate your life!“

Sana nods solemnly. “I guess. Are we still on that camping trip this weekend?”

“Hell yeah we are!” Your friend group cheers, which is more than enough to make Sana feel better about the whole situation.

🫀

“Sleeping tents?”

“Check.”

“Flashlights?”

“Check.”

“Batteries?”

“Check.”

“Tooth—”

“Baby.” Sunghoon wraps his arms around you from behind, putting his chin on your shoulder. “I promise we have everything, let’s go before we’re late and Eunae makes a big deal about it.”

You giggle, turning around to give him a proper hug. He smelt exactly like the vanilla scented candles you loved so much.

“You’re right, I don’t want Eunae on our asses in the middle of the woods.”

Sunghoon drives the both of you in his green shiny Jeep, the one his dad had bought him last month. The camp site was about 2 hours from your house, so you plugged your headphones in, leaning against the window as one of Sunghoon’s hands comes to hold your thigh.

“Wake up sleepyhead.” He says, flicking your forehead which makes you jolt from your sleep.

“Yah Hoonie! Don’t do that,” your cheeks puff out in annoyance, and your boyfriend can’t help but laugh, pinching it between his thumb and index finger.

“I texted Hyoseop, he says they’re already all here.” Sunghoon opens up the trunk, pulling out all your stuff with a grunt. “Jesus, it’s just 2 nights and we’re packing like we’re moving here or something.”

You roll your eyes, “we need to be as prepared as possible! I don’t even like camping, but Eunae insisted.”

“Well Eunae’s a bitch.”

You slap his arm, making the boy jump. “Hoon! You can’t say that out loud.”

“You’re thinking it too baby.” He swings his heavy duffle over one of his shoulders, his other arm holding the gigantic tent you guys had bought to share for the 2 nights.

“I don’t know why you couldn’t just put all your things in our big backpack.” You say, already feeling out of breath as you guys make your way to the site. “You don’t even have that much clothes anyway Hoonie.”

“Just wanted my own bag, that’s all.” He smiles. “Plus, the backpack is already extra heavy with all your stuff.”

You whine at his words, making him chuckle.

“Y/N! Sunghoon!” The voice of Inyoup, Hyoseop’s brother, echoes through the area. “You made it!”

“Course we did.” Sunghoon dabs up the boy, which leaves you to say hi to Eunae and Jihyun.

“Where’s Sana?” You ask, not seeing the familiar ginger anywhere in sight.

Jihyun pulls out her phone, checking Sana’s location. “She should be here by 7, said she’s running a little late because of boyfriend things.”

Jihyun sends the group a wiggle of the eyebrows, which stirs up laughter and a gross! from Inyoup.

“7 is gonna be so dark though, I’ll make sure to go fetch her.” Hyoseop says. “Now c’mon, let’s get a bonfire settled!”

🫀

Night time rolls around quicker than expected, the sky above already clearing out with the few stars being the only source of light in the surrounding campsite.

“Are you cold?” Sunghoon asks, pulling you closer to his side as all of you sit on the pieces of wood in front of the fire.

“I’m better now with you generating all this heat.” You joke, digging yourself closer into his side. “Actually, did you bring any extra coats Hoon?”

He doesn’t really hear your question, too engrossed in whatever horror story Jihyun’s telling the group.

“Yeah yeah.” He says, waving you off.

You take yourself out of his hold, going over to your tent. Honestly, it was a mess, but you were able to make out Sunghoon’s filled to the brim duffle bag. You open it, trying to scuffle through for something warm to wear.

“Ah shit,” you whisper, taking your cut finger to your mouth before examining the cut clearer. “What the hell?”

You uncover the jacket that was covering whatever sharp object that had sliced through your finger earlier.

It was a long sharp knife.

Where did your boyfriend get this? You hadn’t seen a knife like this around in your house, and more importantly, why?

It’s probably for precaution. Your brain tells you. Sunghoon is always so careful, he probably wants it to be safe incase any wild animals come.

So you ignore the knife, placing it back inside Sunghoon’s duffle. You place his jacket and make your way outside.

“It’s already 6:50, maybe we should go pick up Sana now.” You say, blowing air into your hands since it was starting to freeze.

“Oh shit, I’m cooking right now.” Hyoseop looks at the grill he’s currently grilling meat on and then back to the group. “Can someone else go get her? Preferably a guy, we shouldn’t let the girls walk out this dark.”

“I’ll go get her.” Sunghoon offers. “Let me just put on another layer really quick.”

You take a seat next to Inyoup, sipping on a glass bottle of Coca Cola.

“You think we can curl our hair with these like Olivia Rodrigo said in her song?” Jihyun jokes, raising her empty bottle up into the air. “I’m gonna try it.”

“You go do that.” Eunae scoffs, clearly unimpressed with the girl.

🫀

It takes approximately about 25 minutes for you and the group to start worrying, not seeing Sana or Sunghoon in sight.

“The parking isn’t that far right? They should’ve been here 5 minutes ago.” Hyoseop says, setting the silver plate of food onto one of the wooden logs near the grill.

“No yeah, I’m getting worried.” Jihyun stands up, “I’m gonna get a flashlight and look for them at this point.”

Jihyun makes her way to the tent she shares with Eunae, which was right across from yours.

“Shit shit shit,” she mumbles, her hands rummaging through the messy tent. “Shit!”

“What’s wrong?” You ask, quickly running over. “Jihyun, what’s wrong?”

“Some animal might’ve came in earlier and ruined our things.” Jihyun places a hand on her forehead, clearly stressed about the whole ordeal. “Please tell me there’s still a flashlight.”

She checks through her and Eunae’s bag, only to find everything but a flashlight.

“It’s okay Ji, me and Hoon have a few in our tent.” You reassure her, which makes the girl feel a bit better.

“Sunghoon’s back!”

Inyoup’s announcement makes you practically bolt out of Jihyun’s tent right away.

“Hoon!” You rush over to him, cupping his face. “Why’d you take so long? Where’s Sana?”

He gently peels your hand off, looking back at the group with a smile. “She says she forgot her toothbrush on the way and she’s gonna drive to the nearest CVS. Should be back in 20 minutes.”

The rest of the group seems to buy Sunghoon’s words, all except Eunae.

“Well why did you take so long then, Sunghoon?”

“Oh fuck off Eunae.” Inyoup exclaims. “It’s too dark right now for you to start an argument.”

Eunae scoffs. “You know what? Fine. I’m gonna take a dip in the lake, I don’t want to be near any of you right now.”

When she’s finally gone, Inyoup whistles. “I still don’t know why we’re all friends with her when she makes everything miserable.”

“Let’s just calm down.” As usual, your boyfriend is the mediator, which makes you smile and lean into his side.

“You can’t be worrying me like that Hoon!” You groan, hitting him in the chest jokingly. “Had me thinking you were lost.”

“Baby you know me,” he grins. “I’m great at navigating in the night time.”

He suddenly pulls away, “ah, I’m so hot from all the walking. I’m gonna go dip my legs in the lake for a bit.”

“Okay,” you give him a peck on the cheek. “Do you want me to come with you?”

“You can come if you want baby.” He looks down to make direct eye contact. “I know Hyoseop just made beef. You wanna eat that first and meet me later?”

You think about it a second before nodding, placing one last kiss on his face. “You’re right. I’ll see you in a bit Hoonie.”

🫀

Sunghoon sighs in relief, finally glad to have you off his back for a while.

He takes out the familiar black suit and mask, the one that is seen so many times in the scream franchise. The ghostface mask and suit.

He places it over his body, the mask fitting his face so perfectly that he’s in awe.

He already knows his first victim.

Choi fucking Eunae.

God, did she annoy him. Always getting into petty disagreements, always making a ruckus out of nothing. And tonight? The way she accused him so adamantly, the way her eyes crinkled on disgust as she looked at him.

He had to get rid of her.

“Surprise Eunae.”

Eunae’s arms are no use to Sunghoon’s muscular ones that’s wrapped around her throat.

“Help!” Eunae tries to scream, but it only comes out squeaky and inaudible.

“Poor little helpless Eunae,” Sunghoon taunts. “Taking a dip in the lake to cool her nerves because she just can’t help her silly little thoughts in her head.”

He points the sharp end of the knife directly at her throat, making a slight tear which lets blood flow down.

“Why are you doing this?” Eunae chokes up, tears already falling like a waterfall. “Sunghoon?”

She wouldn’t have known it was him because of the mask, but the voice taunting her earlier gave it all away.

“Goodnight Eunae.”

Sunghoon stabs the girl repeatedly until she stops squirming in his hold. Then, he lets go of the body, watching as it floated face down on the lake.

They’ll find her by next week, he thinks. The cops—of course. Not your friends, not you. You all would be dead by tomorrow morning before you even knew Eunae was missing.

“Aw man.” He frowns. “She got my gloves all bloody.”

🫀

Sunghoon knew you would come looking for him later, he just didn’t know when. Therefore, he knew he had to leave the premises immediately as to not be caught near Eunae’s body.

He already knew his next victims, anyway. The two brothers, Kang Hyoseop and Kang Inyoup.

He had already gotten rid of Sana, who, at the sight of him in the ghostface mask and suit, barfed all over the parking lot. He found it both amusing and fascinating—how the human mind could freak itself out so much to the point of physical sickness.

“Eunae! Is that you? Look, Hyoseop said I should apologize earlier for what I did, and although I don’t want to, he might be right.”

Maybe Sunghoon didn’t have to leave. Maybe Kang Inyoup showing up now was a sign from the universe.

He quickly makes his way behind one of the tall trees, which was enough to hide him but also enough to see Inyoup’s movements.

Inyoup goes towards the dock of the lake, “Eunae? Why the hell are you swimming like that?”

He giggles, not realizing how serious the situation was and that Choi Eunae had been dead for 10 minutes already.

Inyoup gets closer, his fingers gripping at Eunae’s arm. When he flips her over, he lets out a scream of terror, which has Sunghoon coming to put his hands over the boy’s mouth.

“What the fuck—” Inyoup cries out, eyes still not believing what they just witnessed. “What the..”

“It’s a real shame.” Sunghoon whispers in his ear, the knife he’s holding is dangerously close to Inyoup’s abdomen. “When Y/Nie first introduced me to the group, you were so welcoming and kind to me. You even opened up to me before Hyoseop.”

“Sunghoon?” Inyoup breathes out, and he can’t help but feel betrayal sink into his heart. “No, please, you can’t do this.”

“Didn’t you say you got that job offer in Osaka? Japan is beautiful.” Sunghoon takes a jab, which causes Inyoup to move forward in Sunghoon’s hold, groaning from the pain and impact. “It’s too bad you won’t ever step foot in Osaka.”

And he kills him. Drags Inyoup’s body into the lake, which floats along with Eunae’s.

“You can apologize to her in the afterlife.” Sunghoon shrugs, finding himself oh so funny.

“One Kang brother down, the next to go.”

🫀

Now Kang Hyoseop was no idiot. He knew his brother and Eunae had been gone for far too long, he knew Sunghoon had been gone for far too long. And Sana? She didn’t even come to the camping site like Sunghoon had confidently stated earlier.

“Hyoseop.” Sunghoon shows up behind him, only this time, the suit and mask are off.

“Sunghoon.” Hyoseop tries his best to give a sincere smile, but Sunghoon knows.

He knows.

“You didn’t have any food Sunghoon, you must be hungry.”

Sunghoon doesn’t know what Hyoseop’s playing at, but he’s already sick of the boy. His body feels itchy, and he has the urge to kill kill kill.

“Where’s Y/N and Jihyun?”

“Oh you know, at the lake. They needed to cool themselves off after such a hot dinner.”

Sunghoon’s eyebrows raise, and he finds his itching fingers reaching for the knife that’s tucked behind him.

“Hyoseop.” He says.

“Yes Sunghoon?”

Sunghoon pins down the boy, which is a much harder struggle than Eunae or Inyoup. Hyoseop had been going to the gym, and the boy was no weakling when it came to fights.

“I fucking knew it.” Hyoseop spits at Sunghoon. “You were the common denominator. Always so secretive and weird around us. I knew it.”

He says that with such disgust that it has Sunghoon cackling, impressed with the guy beneath him.

“But you didn’t say anything Hyoseop? You just let yourself go on a camping trip with the one guy you knew had bad intentions?”

“Fuck you!” Hyoseop tries to kick Sunghoon off of him, but it only makes the boy on top press on him harder. “I wanted to be wrong you know. I wanted to be completely wrong about thinking you were some fucked up loser for the sake of Y/N. But God, you are even worse than that.”

Sunghoon leans closer to Hyoseop, their cheeks touching.

“See you in hell Hyoseop.”

Then all the struggling stops.

It’s so easy, Sunghoon thinks. He didn’t even have to take months to plan this all out, when Choi Eunae said she wanted to go on a camping trip, he knew it was the perfect opportunity to strike.

🫀

“We have to go.” Jihyun says, grabbing your arms.

You were busy crying, feeling disgusted and horrified at the two bodies of your close friends in the lake.

Who the hell had done this to them?

“Where’s Hoonie?” You cry out. “We have to get Hoonie.”

“We’ll find him.” Jihyun reassures you, but her brain says the opposite.

She didn’t want to find Sunghoon. Like Hyoseop, she had a weird feeling about your boyfriend from the get-go. She just didn’t have the guts to tell you.

“Y/N, shh.” Jihyun places her index finger against your lips. “You hear that?”

It’s the sound of a body dragging, and you could make out the silhouette of someone tall.

“I have a gun in my tent,” Jihyun whispers. “I have to go get it. Can you distract him?”

You nod timidly, feeling fear strike every nerve in your body.

You throw a big stick across to the lake, which makes a dipping sound that has the man turning.

Jihyun, who had been the star of the track team in her high school days, runs like she’s never ran before, almost tripping over her own foot.

The man drops the body, and starts getting closer to the lake, making your breath hitch.

You watch Jihyun in the tent, letting yourself let out a breath of relief when she shows you the small gun in her hand.

“Surprise!”

Suddenly, the man’s sights are no longer on the lake, but on you.

His ghostface mask bashes against your face, making you let out a whine of pain.

“Jihyun! Jihyun!” You scream.

Jihyun panics, her hands shakily try to position the gun so that it won’t hit you.

She shoots, her eyes closing from the shock after the bullet leaves the gun, making a loud sound.

The man who had a hold on you falls back, grunting in pain.

His arms are behind his back, trying desperately to keep his body sitting upright.

“That’s what you get fucker!” Jihyun shouts, running over to you and pulling you close to her side. “For what you did to our friends.”

You hesitantly walk to the man, who’s body was shaking. You take off his mask, only to reveal the one person you wished it wasn’t.

Park Sunghoon.

Your boyfriend.

“Sunghoon?” You sob out. “What? Why? Why? Why are you doing this?”

You’re practically shouting now, horrified at the thought of your boyfriend killing your own friends.

His mouth was dripping blood, and his body looks like it was spasming.

Still, he grins, eyes filled with something you can’t recognize. He has no remorse.

“Why not?”

Jihyun decides she’s had enough, pointing the gun directly at Sunghoon’s head.

His once shaking body crumples to the floor immediately, and you feel your knees buckling at the sight.

“Shhh,” Jihyun hugs you from behind, although she too is crying. “Let’s get out of here.”

It all starts to make sense now. The flashlights disappearing, the knife you found in Sunghoon’s duffle.

Although all of this is terrifying, his last words still rang in your ear.

Why not?

[decks-writing-blog]

Gordon Swap Chapter Five: Barney Was His Friend Now

Chapter One

Previous Chapter

~

Gordon was kind of a coward for running away, wasn’t he? Bubby would probably have called him ‘a little bitch’ for it. He’d technically caused the Resonance Cascade so he should be trying to fix it, right? Or he should at least try to help fix it.

His hand was gone though. Surely that was a valid excuse, right? Let Barney’s Gordon handle it alone. So he just… kept following Barney, trying not to think too much about anything. But of course he kept coming back to this thought process over and over again anyway because that’s what life was like sometimes.

Barney was efficient at killing soldiers and aliens alike. He did so stealthily and tactfully. No expectation for Gordon to even try to do anything more than watch their rear and alert him if anything or anyone came up from behind. Which coupled with the less than fast pace Gordon’s exhaustion brought them to made for slow going. Too much time to think about stuff. Such as whether or not his former companions still headed in that general direction? … Maybe.

“Are you sure we shouldn’t be heading to the Lambda Lab to try to fix this?” He spoke in a whisper as he placed himself shoulder to shoulder with Barney. The hall they were walking down was long thus now would be a good time to talk, right?

“Hell nah, man. Being a hero’s great and all but we’d just die. We’d do more good getting ourselves and however many other survivors we run into, that want to risk coming with us, out of here.”

“But like…”

“Dr. Rosenberg said that the folk at the Lambda Lab are counting on Gordon, the real one, to go there and help them fix it. He’s been told ‘bout that and last Dr. Rosenberg heard, was on his way there, probably faster then we’re going. So if we did head down that way and assuming we didn’t get turned into those alien zombie things on the way or get blown up or whatever, he’d probably already have it sorted. He’s efficient like that.”

Something about that still didn’t sit right with Gordon. It was off. Everything was just off. The map, the way Barney had talked about Dr. Coomer’s clones as well as how Gordon might be a clone of some other guy who couldn’t talk. None of it made much sense. But alas, it also wasn’t outlandish enough to dismiss outright. There was something Gordon was missing about all of it. Figuring out what it might be didn’t feel likely.

“You’re his clone though so I get why you’re feeling obligated to help. He’s like that too. A real good guy. He can handle it. I’d love to help make sure he’s okay but… catching up to him would be rough and well, no offense but you’re missing a hand. Even if you’re just his clone, I’d still feel weird leading you into danger like that or just leaving you here. So don’t worry about it, okay pal?” He patted Gordon on the shoulder.

“Okay.” What else could Gordon do? He was missing a hand. A valid excuse for running away even if something was still wrong. Probably it was just his exhaustion and stress over being left for dead and betrayed by people he’d thought were his friends, resulting in the lost hand, making him feel that way though. Good ol’ trauma and mental illness combining to make him feel bad and guilty about stuff beyond his control. So, dropping back a couple feet to keep better watch on their rear, he kept following Barney, heading further way from the Lambda Lab.

~

They continued to make their way through the facility, occasionally chatting when Barney wasn’t busy protecting them by killing stuff. The one other person they ran into preferred to stay in the hiding spot they’d found and wait it out as opposed to joining them in their escape plans. Eventually they ended up swapping stories of how they’d ended up where they had before meeting, starting with Barney. A fascinating tale, especially the borderworld, Xen. If not for everything else that was a much bigger priority, Gordon would’ve pressed for more details on it.

When it came his time to share the temptation to leave out the fact that the Resonance Cascade was maybe at least a little bit his fault was strong. He didn’t give into it though, mostly due to coming with a lie sounding far more mentally exhausting.

“Obviously you’re misremembering something,” Barney interrupted, “‘cause it was the real Gordon in that test chamber. He told me ‘bout it.”

“I don’t know, man, maybe. I really feel like it was me though. Maybe he told you about a different test he was doing.” Lots of tests of various sorts were going on all the time around here. Two being scheduled for around the same time wasn’t a stretch even if two people, one of whom might be the clone of the other, doing them was.

“Or maybe you’re having some kind of weird clone memory thing.”

“Would a clone be wearing a real HEV suit though?”

“If they wanted the clone to think and believe it was the real one, yeah. They’re expensive and uncommon but Black Mesa’s makes them so if they needed one for a specific experiment, they could easily get one.”

Gordon didn’t exactly have a good argument against that. He could say he didn’t feel like a clone all he wanted, knowing for absolute certain when he knew clones were without a doubt a thing Black Mesa was capable of making, was something else entirely. The wrongness of the situation was unmistakable. Something was up and it wasn’t just the Resonance Cascade. … Or maybe it was. “Could the Resonance Cascade cloned me somehow and did some weird stuff with my memory? Or maybe I’m not a clone at all and it did something weird with your memory.” Gordon liked that idea better. Admittedly he was biased but it only messing with one person’s memory was more likely, right?

“Hmm…” Barney lifted a hand to rub his chin. “Maybe. I’m just a security guard. I got no clue how this science stuff works.”

Gordon knew more of course. It was unlikely but it would be folly to pretend he or anyone working with the samples and anti-mass spectrometer knew everything there was to know about any of it. That had been part of the point of the tests after all. They were still figuring stuff out. Maybe the Resonance Cascade could be responsible for whatever was wrong with Gordon and/or Barney’s memories of his Gordon.

Regardless, now in the middle of trying not to die when they both only had speculation was a bad time to put much effort into pursing an answer. After everything had blown over, Gordon would get to the bottom of it. For now though he’d just continue as he was. On the bright side, he wasn’t dying and was no longer stuck with the people who’d betrayed and left him to die alone. He didn’t need those assholes. Barney was his friend now.

~

Finding another break room and thus another pair of vending machines, prompted a much needed rest. They chatted a bit more as they ate but mostly were silent lest something come up on them. Other than the hand, things felt almost normal for once. Hostile aliens were still popping in occasionally and the military were roaming around with the intent to kill anyone they ran into but at least Gordon wasn’t saddled with a bunch of weirdos anymore.

He didn’t miss them at all, not one bit. Why would he? He was better off without them. They’d betrayed him and left him to die. … What were they doing without him though? Were they still traveling as a group without him? That thought hit like a gut punch.

What had he done to make them betray and abandon him like that? Was it because he was a clone? Or maybe it was his frustration with them. Yeah, maybe there’d been a few times he’d been a bit mean about it but they were acting weird and stupid in the middle of a disaster. He could be forgiven for being a bit frantic and impatient, right? And if they really didn’t want him around anymore, they could’ve just said so. It would’ve been awkward but that way only his feelings would’ve been hurt instead his feelings and his everything else, especially his hand.

He glanced over at Barney sitting in the table in the corner so they’d each be sitting facing one of the room’s two entrances lest anything come through. Having been abandoned once by people he’d thought, if not friends then at least allies in getting out of here alive, wasn’t much of a precedent. But there’d be even more reason to do so than before; Barney was convinced he was a clone and he was basically no help in combat. He was needed to try to fix the teleporter but if he failed… what use was he?

“Hey, uh, what’s your plan if the teleporter is busted and I can’t fix it? I mean like, a lot’s going on so it might not be viable to fix it quickly. And I’m missing a hand so I’m a bit limited on what I can do and stuff.” And he had no experience with such a device.

“I don’t know. Probably we’ll just keep going until we reach one of the car storage areas and then drive out. We might need to steal some keys or hot wire something but I’m sure we can be forgiven that.”

With the tram system being the primary means of transportation through the facility, cars were only used when people left and thus the parking lots for them were few and far between since they needed to connect to roads. It’d be a lot more walking through alien and military infested halls to reach one. Lots of opportunities for Gordon’s newfound helplessness in combat to cause problems for both of them. The HEV suit could help keep him alive for longer but it wasn’t perfect. If trying the teleporter escape method failed again then Barney would be better off by himself.

“We’re close the lab though so we’ll know soon. Speaking of which,” Barney stood and stretched, “let’s get headed that way once more, huh?”

Gordon stood and followed. Again, something happening once didn’t set a pattern or even really a precedent. Decent people didn’t abandon each other in disaster situations, they at least tried. And so far Barney seemed like a decent guy. Gordon’s old companions had just been evil assholes. So probably – hopefully – it would turn out fine.

~

“Ah, god damn it,” Barney said as he stood in the doorway. “This ain’t good.”

“What is it?” Just what Gordon needed, more things to go wrong. He was cursed apparently. Nothing could go right for him anymore.

Barney didn’t respond but instead edged in just enough to move out of the way of the door, allowing Gordon to enter too. Inside it became obvious rather quickly what was wrong. The machine in the middle of the room was sparking and flashing, arcs of electricity jumping from the emitter over top of it. Said emitter was obviously damaged, bent and scrapped like it had been hit with some force.

“The soldiers that tried to jump me right as I was going through must’ve probably tried to destroy it. Heck maybe they’re why it was jumping me around all over the place so much before finally dropping me off. You still think you might be able to fix it or do we abandon this and go straight for Plan C?”

No, Gordon almost assuredly couldn’t fix it. Being the smart scientist guy was his only real value towards getting them out alive though so… “Maybe.” He walked closer to it. Barney followed, a couple steps back. “It doesn’t hurt to…” He cut off with an undignified yelp as the machine made a particularly loud crack, flashing bright enough to make him flinch.

Nothing bad happened though. It was just a loud, uncomfortably close, zap of electricity from a damaged teleporting machine. Gordon had the HEV suit though so probably it was fine. … Even if it was now sparking even harder, lightening jumping from the bit up top to dance between the metal bits below.

“Uh, first, how I do it power it down? A plug, switch, an emergency off button or something.” Gordon took a step closer so he could try to look past it at what was probably the command console. Nothing obvious from this side but it was the back of the console so that was to be expected. Getting to the console would involved going around the machine. Knowing exactly what to shoot for in that case would be preferable.

“The power thingy for it is in the other room. I’ll just pop over real quick and…”

The machine cut him off with an almost thunder-like crack. Leaving the room seemed wise. Gordon took a half step backwards and… the machine exploded. A ball of light, starting from center of the broken containment field, expanded outward far faster than Gordon could do anything in response to it.

Clenching his eyes shut against the overwhelming brightness of it, he completed his step back… right off a cliff. He was falling! Shit, fuck… He landed on the ground, his legs giving out from under him, sending him reeling to the ground. He land on his back, knocking the breath out of his lungs. A short fall, he was completely fine.

Blinking open his eyes, above him was… sky? Weird sky if so. It extended up forever but it was shades of purple and deep blue. Like looking at the painting of a galaxy. Gorgeous as it was unknowable. A bit frightening too.

Was he dead? Heaven or perhaps hell or some other form of afterlife was somehow real and this was it? If so, the least the afterlife could do is not hurt, right? And why would he be struggling to catch his breath if he didn’t need to breathe anymore?

“Damn, we fucked up.” Barney’s voice came from behind Gordon. He titled his head back to see him straightening from presumably his own fall.

“What the fuck happened?” Beneath Gordon the ground felt almost soft. It had cushioned his fall. It should’ve been concrete… except if the sky was different the ground was too so actually that made sense. “Where are we?”

“I’m not sure why but uh… it opened a portal that sent us to Xen.” Barney walked over and looked down at him. “You okay?”

“Uh… I’m alive so sorta.” On one hand he got to see the cool alien dimension Barney had told him about. On the other though, this wasn’t a planned trip for fun or science but the result of a machine malfunction. So while he was physically mostly okay, this situation might not be.

He sat up and accepted Barney’s hand to help him stand the rest of the way up. Once back on his feet, he looked around. As Barney had described, the plant life here was ‘interesting’. What he’d failed to mention though was that a lot of it was bulbous and/or had a mushroom like vibe to it. Bioluminescence also seemed to be common. Yellow almost lantern like plants grow on the wall to their right. A little cave in that same wall was filled with long tendrils growing out of the ground and ceiling almost like stalactites and stalagmites, their tips glowing a slight blue.

A few feet to their left was the edge of the floating island. The next one over wasn’t far, it could probably be jumped to, though Gordon wouldn’t want to risk it, especially with the HEV suit. Walking over to the gap and looking down revealed more sky beneath, extending just as far down as it did upwards. There wasn’t even a proper horizon line, just endless sky dotted with floating islands. Looking out at it sent a wave of vertigo through Gordon.

He quickly stepped back. At first a little and then a lot. Who knows what would happen if he fell? Instead of thinking about that, he shifted his gaze to the one area of the sky that was different. The swirl of bright blue seemed to be this place’s primary light source. To the left of it was the silhouette of a tall tower. The distance to it was impossible to gauge due to its size and lack of anything else familiar to look at. But probably it was pretty far away. Clearly it had been built by someone though and had a red light, just visible within the claws at its peak.

Tearing his gaze from it, he looked back at Barney who wasn’t gaping at it. Which made some sense, this was his second time here. But his description hadn’t gotten anywhere close to doing it justice. How as he not still gaping at it? Especially since, “This is fine, right? You’ve been here before and got back no problem. We just gotta find the teleporter’s calibration equipment on this side and set it same as you did before.” It was just a slight detour in their escape. Or heck, it might even facilitate their escape the way it had for Dr. Rosenberg and his buddies.

“Yeah but after I set the thing, I had to return to where the portal dropped me and go through when Dr. Rosenberg reopened it. There’s no one there to reopen it this time. Who would even want to try with the way it was acting?”

“Oh.” That did made it a lot worse. It had just been the two of them in that room. No one else even knew they’d gone to it.

“Also, this isn’t even the same place I was sent to last time. So even if someone was there to open the portal for us, would it be here, the place I was sent to, or somewhere else entirely?”

And thus it wasn’t fine at all. Damn. “So… we’re stuck here with no way back to Earth?”

“Looks like it.” For the entire time they’d been traveling together, Barney had remained composed. Now he finally broke as he lifted a hand to press to his forehead. “I’m an idiot. I fucked up so bad.”

“Yeah, uh… you did kinda fuck pretty bad on this call.” But he was admitting it. That’s more than any of Gordon’s prior companions would’ve done. Which coupled with how strange this place was dampened the urge to get angry about it. For now anyway.

With a groan Barney snuck to the ground to put his head in his hands. “Sorry I got you into this mess.”

Gordon walked over and sat next to him. What else could he possibly do? Especially since it wasn’t entirely Barney’s fault. How could he have possibly known the machine would malfunction this bad? Especially during the short window of time they’d been in that room. Horrible luck. Not to mention if Gordon hadn’t said he might be able to fix it, they probably wouldn’t have gone there in the first place. Speaking of that horrible luck though… “Maybe the portal will open again? I mean if it fired off randomly once, maybe it’ll do it again and bring us back.”

Barney perked up. “Oh! You’re right. Of course you’re right. You’re Gordon’s clone so you’re super smart. Probably it’ll open it again. Heck it’s probably gone off several times ‘cause it’s just that busted and will keep doing it until the power’s drained or something else within it breaks. All we gotta do is wait and hope that wasn’t its last broken hurrah.”

He stood. Wow he recovered morale fast. “Quick, let’s go back to where we came in and wait for it open again.”

Gordon stood and followed him over that spot. There was still a dent in the dirt where he’d landed in it. Sitting for a bit wasn’t an unwelcome idea anyway.

~

With nothing else to do and distraction from their situation being so appealing, they talked. They were both chatty guys after all. Their only point of familiarity being their place of employment, they did what all people who’d worked for Black Mesa for long enough did; gossiped about what the other departments might be up to or had gotten up to in the past. A lot of it was rumors and hearsay, focusing on and exaggerating macabre details. All of it, as always, was to be taken with a grain of salt or two.

“Yo, that’s Bubby,” Gordon interrupted as Barney began a tale he’d heard about an experiment to grow the perfect scientist in a tube.

Barney’s eyebrows rose. “Really?”

“Yeah. He said was made in a tube and that’s why he spent his whole life in the facility.”

“From what I heard the project got canceled after the prototypes started crawling into the vents and dragging passersby into them to eat. I guess maybe it was one of those ‘it was officially canceled but not really’ deals. Supposedly some of the prototypes are still crawling around though so be careful if you ever find yourself in that part of the facility. … Assuming uh, we ever even get back there.”

“Yeah, assuming.” This place was still beautiful but the awe had long since worn off, leaving the fear of being trapped here forever itching at the back of his mind. The portal hadn’t reopened but it hadn’t been that long yet. It still could though and thus they just had to continue to wait. Best not to think about that too much. “Anyway uh… ever heard of an immortal dog project?”

“Hmm… can’t say I have. I heard they got some kind of immortal slime plant thing but that’s the closest thing I know of.”

“Apparently Tommy made one and named her Sunkist ‘cause he likes soda. I haven’t seen her so I guess he could be lying. He doesn’t seem to type to casually lie though so probably there’s an immortal dog named Sunkist somewhere in the facility.”

“Being immortal would actually be scary, wouldn’t it? I mean imagine you get trapped under a ton of rubble or something. You can’t escape or die. You’re just there forever.”

“Damn. That would suck. Hopefully she’s not in that kind of situation then. And… I guess I kinda hope Tommy’s okay too. And Dr. Coomer. Not Bubby or Benrey though. I’m still mad at them so fuck them.”

“I’d still be mad too. Heck man, I’m mad your behalf. Fuck them.”

~

Running out of things to talk about was forever the bane of those who used conversation to avoid other important thoughts. The tired silence was awkward and uncomfortable. But one of them eventually had to say what was becoming more and more obvious the longer they sat here, waiting. And it couldn’t be Gordon because it was Barney’s fault they’d gone to Dr. Rosenberg’s lab and thus were here right now. Bringing it up would also be bringing that up in a way.

Perhaps Gordon should be mad at Barney for this and he was a little annoyed. But the way Barney told it, he’d almost gotten out thanks to the machine once and the scientists he’d been with at the time had gotten out. It made sense he’d want to try again. Bad luck had caught up to him though and dragged Gordon in with it. Or maybe it was more like Gordon’s bad luck had infected him. Regardless, it hadn’t been an intentional betrayal. Barney hadn’t led him to a trap then left him to die.

Also so far the only things that had attacked them here were a few headcrabs. All easily dealt with, barely any kind of threat at all. They were safer here for the time being. Good in general but also it meant the dead weight of keeping Gordon alive too wasn’t as heavy. And as the only other human around, being left was less likely, right? Not that Gordon was worried about that. Being completely and utterly betrayed and abandoned once didn’t mean anything even if he was maybe a clone – and thus more expendable by default – missing his dominant hand – making him basically useless in a fight. But still that slight chance was less now; Barney was a sociable guy and thus wouldn’t want to be stuck here all alone.

And besides all that, the view was gorgeous and in general, their surroundings were interesting. There were worse places to be trapped by far – such as the facility they’d just gotten out of. But still, they were trapped here in an alien dimension with no way back. … No obvious way back anyway.

“Didn’t you say that Dr. Rosenberg said something about the machine in the lab we were in was out dated?” He’d mentioned it in passing but Gordon had been paying rather close attention to that part of Barney’s tale.

Barney shifted his gaze off the horizon to look at him. “Yep.”

“Out dated should mean there should be in date machines too, right?”

A couple beats of silence passed before Barney seemed to make the connection. “And people might be using them. They possibly might even provide a way back.”

“Yep so… maybe it’s time to starting looking.”

“Where though? This place is pretty big, far as I can tell.”

Gordon stood and stretched as he looked around. It was more a show of looking around really. He’d purposefully orientated himself to be facing the blue swirl and right next to it was… “The tower. It’s easy to see from afar, making it easy to follow and head towards. And it was clearly built by something, maybe Black Mesa. If not, they’d want to study whatever had made it so they’d probably want to set up near it, right?”

Barney joined him, looking towards it. “It looks pretty far away but… we’ve already been waiting for hours. So, I guess let’s go.”

“Uh… maybe first we should see if we can’t find something to eat and then sleep for a bit. I don’t know how long I’ve been awake but it’s been way too long for sure. Plus, it’s pretty safe here and it might not be somewhere else. And we could sleep under where we came in at. If the portal doesn’t reopen and bring us back by the time we wake up, it’s probably never going to.”

“Sounds like a plan. We can rock-paper-scissors for who gets to keep first watch. First though, let’s do look for something to eat, I’m starving.”

In hindsight, keeping watch was something Gordon should’ve done with his old companions. The idea hadn’t come up though, it was just luck nothing bad had happened. But regardless, this was another win for hanging with Barney.

~

[A/N] If you don't recognize my description of Xen, that's because it's inspired by the Xen from Black Mesa, making this a surprise 3 way crossover! That game exists to be pretty and make Xen good, making its version the best (because Alyx sadly doesn't go there in her game) so it's the one I like the most. I don't follow its through line though, just take inspiration from it in general.

Next Chapter

[livingwithhorrors]

Finally saw Lisa Frankenstein and enjoyed it. I also have an opinion on who killed Lisa’s mom…

In my opinion after watching and listening to what people said and did, I would not be surprised if her stepmother did it, or was involved.

Her dad is either naive or is hyper aware unlike others around him, but doesn’t point things out.

He appears clueless when we see him ignoring situations and signs, but at the same time it’s as if he’s intentionally ignoring things and focusing only on things that matter to him.

Either they mean to have him an intentional clueless person that is for comedic effect alone, or that is only part of it.

It came to a point I wondered if Lisa’s mother had brought her father back as she did her own ‘creature’ and she just was able to fix him for the most part and why he seemed off when it came to emotions.

So in the end it felt at first comedic clueless, neurodivergent and finally maybe ‘creature’ before I settled on he may just be neurodivergent.

Now why I think the step mom may have done it.

We hear from her daughter that’s she’s been married several times. What we don’t know is if she divorced them or they passed.

Add she starts to point fingers and suggest a mental ward stay for Lisa and happens to be a psych ward nurse.

Lisa hasn’t acted out, but the stepmother paints it as if she’s been doing so the whole time.

She swooped in to marry the father shortly after his wife’s death.

Moves them to a different town. Even if she and her daughter have lived there, she is separating Lisa and her father from their friends and people who know them and would notice a sudden disappearance.

The stepmom ‘happens’ to get ‘ill’ and threaten Lisa and I think she would have made Lisa have to use self defense or she would have lied that Lisa lashed out at her to put Lisa away.

Without Lisa around and her own daughter busy with cheer and ‘other things’, she’d be alone with her new husband.

Thus something happens and hubby dies, all his money goes to her as Lisa is stated unfit to receive it and take care of herself.

Even if it goes to Lisa, she could still become the one in charge of the money as holder and break laws to use it not for Lisa but herself.

A psych nurse would not make enough money for a nice house or to have diamond earrings, unless they’re an heirloom, but she promised hers to her daughter as if it was nothing.

One could say she just uses her daughter to make money at beauty pageants, but even then that wouldn’t be enough.

But interesting how the tanning bed is broken and never fixed or tossed.

If she knew that was busted she may not have cared much if someone should end up dead using it.

Though that makes one wonder if her daughter knew from the start or not it didn’t work and let Lisa go in intentionally.

She plays off hard to tell if she’s mean or not.

But in the end I think she may have been genuine, but also still sabotaging things for Lisa when it came to the boy they both liked.

We never see her actually try and hurt Lisa, but encourage her.

Sometimes she’s not good with her words and how to say or do things right, but she apologizes as soon as she knows she screwed up.

So in the end I think she cared about Lisa genuinely, were as her mother didn’t.

The stepmom was planning to get rid of Lisa from the start and never held back her venom against her.

Even her own daughter called her a bitch.

This, I think she killed Lisa’s mom. She didn’t kill Lisa, but planned to get rid of her in a mental ward or if she got lucky the tanning bed. (Though that is more plot device for other things and a guess she could have heard Lisa was going to use it).

We are shown a flashback of the murder, but we could say we can’t rely on what we’re seeing as it’s told by the step sister and imagined by her audience.

If Lisa ran and hide as told and didn’t come out until the cops came, she very well may not have seen the killer well enough outside of the mask, and if the mask was actually worn.

Lisa alone survived, but was mute for a good time.

So the killer seems to be only focused on Lisa’s mom as they don’t look for her and left.

Either in person or by proxy, I believe the Stepmom did it.

[kcwriting-030]

The Way of the World

Yapping because I can. My first post to Substack. [Archived post from Substack.]

Some people believe the world is evil. That there are many bad people, that we are doomed to live mediocre lives and die painful, lonely deaths.

Me, I like to try to imagine it’s a little bit better than that.

I am not naive, but I believe there are many good people, maybe, hopefully, even more good than bad people. And we all want to make the world a better place. For ourselves, for our future kids or grand-kids. Or for the elderly, for the people that don’t have much time left. Maybe you think they don’t need or deserve to be cared for because they have already lived their lives. Maybe you’re right.

But that doesn’t mean there aren’t people that are actively working to make it better. We should all strive to do better. In our own, personal ways.

And I know that we struggle. Lord, I know. Shit happens. Poverty, mental illness, physical illness, death, grief, trauma…

Don’t you think it should give you more drive? I mean, sure, it sucks. We’re struggling to even make enough to eat and pay rent. But doesn’t that piss you off?? Doesn’t that just make you want to get up and scream, “This isn’t fair! Life should be fucking better!”

I know there’s that feeling. The one that makes you want to hide. To crawl under your blankets and forget everything. Cry. Give up entirely.

However, to quote Shawn Mendes’ song “In My Blood”:

Sometimes I feel like giving up

But I just can’t

If we just give up, who’s going to do it? Who the fuck is going to make it better? Take that stand and say enough is enough? It has to be us. It can’t keep going on like this.

So, if you’re like me, sick of the way of the world, sick of waiting around for someone else to change things: Stop. Stop waiting. Do it yourself.

The first step? Open your mouth, or your notebook, or your computer, and say your beliefs. Loud and proud. Say what you think should be. Spread the good word.

And that’s just the beginning.

I know that we think we cannot influence people. One person cannot change the world….. Who told you that? Yes, the fuck, we can.

Speak the truth and find your people. Then take your people, your community, and do something, build something, change something. Whatever means the most to you.

This is how things change. Get to work, bitch.

[idrisofficial]

Which characters/character do you feel most personally/emotionally involved with and why?

oh this is a very difficult question and i appreciate it very much. as any creator would, i’m inclined to say all of them in different ways…but that’s kind of a cop-out.

i think i’ll say brinne and lennox. they’re not the characters i relate to the most, but i do think i feel the most emotional connection towards them. a lot of what draws me to them is their silent suffering—both of them live in glass prisons of their own making. a lot of this is mental illness related, but their natural dispositions are also of great influence (although lennox’s natural disposition is extremely debatable when you consider nature vs nurture).

brinne was the first of any of my idris characters to exist, and the depth of her development definitely follows suit. her transition from a manic but deeply idealistic teenager to a reticent and self-interested monarch through the buildup of her childhood trauma and the final straw of her near death experience is so deliciously heartbreaking. her loneliness, her codependency with adrian, her sexual and alcoholic coping mechanisms, her deep uncertainty in the religion that gives meaning to her entire life…poor girl can’t catch a break. brinne has always been the focus of idris, and i’ve had fun and i’ve had pain hurting her like i do. most of the actual writing that i’ve accomplished revolves around her, and for good reason. she is at the core of the conflicts plaguing idris’s centuries-old culture and still just a twenty two year old girl who never really got to grow up. sometimes i act as though her teenage self and her adult self are two separate people, but the truth is that they are painfully intertwined. brinne’s suppression of her idealism and desire for change in service to her desperate attempts at self-preservation is what drives her motivations throughout every iteration of this story. she cannot escape who she is, try as she might. and i think there’s something so, so compelling about that for someone in a position of such horrible power like she is.

lennox is layer upon layer upon layer. the fact that he was originally inspired by byakuya togami? we’re not gonna talk about that. lennox has also come a long way as a character, the third to exist after brinne and adrian. he’s an og. lennox was a nice kid up until about age six, where the kindness was quite literally shattered in him to make room for solid perfection. a machine with style. he grew into the role almost too perfectly. the pinnacle of competence, a voice of absolute reason and logic amidst his generally wild and dysfunctional generation of nobles. here is why i feel such connection to lennox. he is ice on the outside, ice on the inside, speaks only when necessary but controls the conversation, and casually usurps the throne from time to time. he has studied these same people for sixteen years, understands most of them sickeningly well, and appears virtually flawless aside from his mansplainer bullshit. but my god is he grumpy, bitchy, flamboyant, perfectionistic to the point of petulance, and baselessly sadistic. he’s the second most powerful person in the country and he has constant migraines from dealing with others’ bullshit. he loves his siblings. he’s one of only two characters to understand his sexuality and he’s deeply afraid of it. he gets no bitches. he’s still mourning the death of the cousin whose death he was responsible for and who he was boyishly in love with. he’s sensible as all hell, but my god, he is fucking losing it. nobody gets that. even the people who hate him don’t get that. they hate him for his pretentious swag but don’t understand how much of a loser he actually is. anyways. i’m on a tangent now. he’s flawless. he’s horrible. there is no changing who he is, but would he ever have turned out like this naturally? lennox is a product of both what others have made him into and what he has forced himself to embody. there is no lennox that isn’t a diamond formed under absolute pressure.

[hellmastermiller]

I’m sorry about your mom. As far as coping goes, I’m pretty emotionally stunted but here’s some (admittedly quite common) stuff I use which you’ve probably heard of:

Make a checklist of things you should/could do in a day to keep yourself from skipping out. It’s easy to just sink into the floor and not do anything, and the checklist hold you slightly accountable. Start off with more easily attainable daily goals (ex. today I will clean my desk) and then begin to add some things (ex. today I will clean my desk + bed).

Talk to people: they say this one helps the most, and I’m sure you know this. Think about how you’d feel talking to a stranger in a support group V.S a friend. If it sounds more appealing, you can take a step toward finding a free group/one you can afford. Hell, if you post this ask giving me the green light, I could even DM you if you’d like. We’re mutuals but we’ve never directly spoken

Know that maybe even a year from now, the grief can hit you in an unexpected way, and that’ll be okay. A close family member of mine died about 10 years ago and sometimes I wind up feeling sick with how much I miss them. I don’t think the feeling ever leaves, you just learn to sort of… accept that it’s there and always will be

And as everyone always says, be nice to yourself. Have a sweet treat. Try to go on a short walk around your block. Seek new emotional experiences— maybe go see a movie you’re excited about or rewatch one that you love. Pick up a hobby you haven’t recently indulged in and try it out again.

Grief is weird, and it sucks. But it’s natural and it’s okay to always feel a little bit sad over losing someone. I wish you nothing but the best.

thank u so much. i'm emotionally stunted asf too so the last three months has been absolutely crazy LMAO. i'll dump more dramatic stuff under the cut so ppl don't have 2 listen to my whining

but thank you. this means a lot to me, i'll fucking print this out n glue it to my screen to force myself to remember. feel free to dm me if you want, but only if you want to; i'll probably just bitch and sob and whine a lot, so don't feel pressured at all. listening to someone go on and on can be so mentally draining, but your offer means the world to me. thank u <3

but yeah, i heard that grief is just forever. i guess it's like mental illness in a way. it never goes away, but you learn to cope. i hope you have people there for you when you miss your family member.

TW DEATH!!! TALKING ABT DEATH1!!! SOIRRY!!!!

i was the one who found my mom dead so i feel like that just added another layer 2 the insanity. i forced myself to see her a few times before the cremation too, hoping it'll make everything click, but it's that adhd "out of sight out of mind" type beat. it makes grief so stupidly hard.

i've been the glue keeping my dad n bro together too. i still remember being the one to clean her fluids from the wall and the carpet while they sobbed and it was so fucked up. answering questions from the cops and paramedics. dealing with funeral arrangements.

my father and i found a fucking dent in the wall from where her head hit too. it's the fucking outside wall too, so she hit her head on it so fucking hard that the plaster came off. it breaks my heart. we had such a difficult relationship too so it just makes everything all the more painful. the regret is so real.

i found so much out about her too after she'd died. so many little things i could've used to talk to her, to bond, to help her. drives me up the fuckin' wall, man. makes me fucking crash out.

and not to sound like an idiot, but one of my guinea pigs fucking DIED like a few weeks after her too and it actually broke me LMAO. my mom bought those pigs, so to lose one of them just fucking shattered me.

even worse is that his brother doesn't give a shit, so i have one guinea pig who is absolutely thriving because he gets the entire room to himself now. (for anyone who knows my guinea pigs, IT'S DAVID THAT DIED. ELI LIVED. rip solid snake :( )

[palettepainter]

Incorrect cousin quotes!!

With all the cousin designs I have posted, time to make some quotes with them!

Liv/Zee/Penny/Lazer/Raph - me

Rand - @rottedbrainz

Gabe - @posies-and-bundles

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lazer, trying their first ever cup of coffee: I am ENERGY! Rand, an avid coffee drinker, on their twelfth cup of the day: Someone slap me awake or I am literally going to fall into a coma in ten seconds.

.

Raph: I think Lazer is in trouble. Rand: Alright. Struggling to give a fuck, if I’m honest.

.

Raph: Thought I was meowing back at my cat for the past hour, but it was just me and Lazer meowing at each other from different rooms in the house.

.

Zee: Why did you kidnap Liv!?!?! Rand: Ah- um- well- the reason for that is, uhh... Zoot: Sometimes, we must work together towards a common goal. Zee: NOT TO KIDNAP PEOPLE!

.

*when a child starts crying in public* Zee: *tries to make the child laugh* Liv: *tries to play a game with the child to make them calm down* Raph: *gives detailed instructions to the parents* Lazer: *cries with the child* Penny: *ignores the child* Zoot: *is the reason why the child is crying*

.

Zee : *sighs* I have no friends... Rand: Rand: *coughs* Bitch, what am I? A roach?!

.

Rand: Alright, listen up you little shits. Rand: Not you Liv. You’re an angel and we’re thrilled you’re here.

.

Rand, opening a Capri Sun: Guess I'll drink my sorrows away.

.

Penny: What if people had food names and food had people names? Lazer: Hey, spaghetti, we’re having Penny for dinner. Gabe: What is wrong with you people? Raph: Shut up, chocolate.

.

Penny: So, what, now I'm just supposed to do anything Raph does? I mean, what if they jumped off a cliff? Gabe: If Raph were to jump off a cliff, they would've done their due diligence regarding the height of the cliff, the depth of the water, and the angle of entry, so yes. If you see Raph jump off a cliff, by all means, jump off a cliff. Lazer: You jump off a cliff! Gabe: Gladly, provided Raph did first.

.

Raph: What’s it like being tall? Liv: Is it nice? Gabe: Can you reach comfortably for the cupboards? Penny: We live in constant fear of the short ones who, in my experience, will climb four chairs, two boxes, a small coffee table, and six oddly placed stools to get what they want.

.

Gabe: Christmas is cancelled. Penny: You can't cancel a holiday. Gabe: Keep it up, Penny, and you'll lose New Year's too. Penny: What does that mean? Gabe: Raph, take New Year's away from Penny.

.

Liv: Aww, what's your dog's name? Rand: Spartacus. Liv, yelling to Gabe: TRY SPARTACUS! Gabe, on the computer: DIDN'T WORK! Rand: Liv: What's your favorite number?

.

Rand: Which way did Liv go? Gabe: Well, based on the direction of the wind, the broken sticks in the corner, and the slight disturbance in the dirt, I'd guess they went left. Rand: You could really figure it out from that? Gabe: No, you idiot, Liv sent me a text. See?

.

Penny: Astrology is fun because i can pretend that all of my behaviors are just a result of being a Gemini and not symptoms of mental illness. Zee: Being a Gemini is a mental illness. That’s not hate it’s just a fact.

.

Liv: Try not to roll your eyes at me. Gabe: I don't have pupils.

.

Lazer: I can’t tell if you’re a genius or just incredibly arrogant. Rand: Well, on a good day, I’m both

.

Lazer: Okay. Hypothetically speaking, how mad would you be if I burned a hot pocket so badly it could probably fall off a ten-story building and be completely fine? Rand: Lazer, what did you do? Lazer: Take a guess.

.

Raph: Make no mistake. Not only am I party rocking, but I am also in the house tonight. Penny: But are you shuffling? Raph: Everyday. Gabe: What language are you two speaking??

.

Gabe: Who wants to make fifty bucks? Raph: How? Gabe: I need someone to take the fall. Raph: What did you do? Gabe: I can't tell you. Yes or no, no questions asked. Penny, from the other room: Oh my god. Gabe: ... Penny: OH MY GOD! Raph: Make it a hundred. Gabe: Deal.

.

Raph: Regular soda is too sweet! Penny: Diet soda has a weird after taste! Raph: No! Ugh, oh my god. Diet soda is THE BEST! It doesn't have sugar! It's SPICY! Penny: It has other weird stuff in it! I'll take REGULAR sugar in my REGULAR soda! Raph: It's SO SWEET like it's a dessert though! Diet feels more like a drink! Penny: I'm going to physically attack you. Raph: Which is better, Gabe? Gabe: Oh, I usually drink water! Penny: Wha- NO! Raph: DISGUSTING!

.

Liv: So when are we gonna tell them? Zee: Just give them a minute. Gabe: *Pulling on a door that clearly says push*

.

Liv: Do you guys want to see a butterfly? Zee: Ooh, yes please! Gabe, with their laptop open: I'm not going to stop working to look at a stupid bug! Liv: It's not a bug though... Gabe: ... Zee: ... Gabe: Well I still don't want to see. Zee, realizing: Please don't throw- Liv: Whee! *throws a stick of butter*

[queer-and-dear-books]

Title: The Minus-One Club

Author: Kekla Magoon

Genre: Friendship | Romance | LGBTQ+

Content Warnings: Homophobia | Death | Suicide | Terminal Illness | Alcohol

Overall Rating: 8.0/10

Personal Opinion: Maybe not the most romantic story but it’s hard to be mushy when you’re still grieving the death of your sister. The person you always had in your corner. This book takes a serious look at how grief can affect a person and how important it is to have people around you that understand that grief. But my absolutely favorite thing about this story is the ending. The growth that Kermit and all his friends in the Minus-One club go through. It is satisfying and a breath of fresh air. I promise you won’t be disappointed.

Do I Own This Book? Nope.

Spoilers Below For My Likes & Dislikes:

Likes:

- I’m just going to be brutally honest, most of this score is because of the ending. Richie Corner got expelled, yeah fuck that bitch! How dare he be blessed with a nice ass and then be homophobic while also sexually harassing the only out gay kid. Anyway, I actually screamed out loud when he got expelled. It was just so satisfying. But I also love that the club went from being a “fight club support group” to an activism group. That is beautiful. They are taking their pain and transforming it into a weapon to enact real positive change in their community and I love that.

- Alex is a good friend. He got jealous that Matt was “stealing” his best friend and blew his top but the very next day, he went to apologize sincerely. And he also knew already that Kermit liked Matt and he supported him wholeheartedly. I respect the fuck out of him because of that. That’s a good friend. He even covered for Kermit when Kermit went to visit Matt in the hospital! 

- I really like the concept of the Minus-One club and I think all the members were really cool and honestly, such a good friend group. Patrick is so kind and observant with everyone’s habits. He noticed Matt wasn’t okay even when he acted like he was. Simon is fun, Celia is artsy, and Janna is cool. But all these people are still always there for each other no matter what. I respect that.

- I need to know the video game that Matt and Kermit had played. It sounds like a lot of fun. I mean, what gay kid didn’t imagine their beefy game characters making out? 

- Also, I think they had good chemistry. Part of it did feel like “Oh, we’re the only two gay boys around so let’s make out” which is always a peeve of mine but I like how much their bond grew as they continuously hung out one-on-one rather than as a group. 

- I love that Matt never pushed for Kermit to come out. As much as he wanted to go out on real dates, he understood why Kermit was hesitant. He understood that it isn’t always safe or better after you come out. Sad that it’s like that in their little Indiana town but at least they’re taking steps to make it better.

Dislikes:

- A lot of things are fucked up in this story. But the most fucked up are Kermit’s parents. At first I was giving them the benefit of the doubt. I thought they would love and accept their son if he came out. But then they called Matt “troubled.” AFTER his suicide attempt! Just the way they talked about him after finding out he’s gay was so disturbing. I felt bile.

- That being said, Kermit was still such a shit toward his parents. At the same time, his parents were being very unreasonable. There were no winners in that relationship. I hated them all. In the context of that relationship, I love Kermit in general.

- These teenagers and their repression man. Talk about your goddamn feelings! I’m glad that Kermit decided to get help through mental health resources but goddamn, it should not have taken his boyfriend’s suicide attempt to push him to it.

- My biggest peeve, as I’ve already mentioned, the “We’re the only two gay boys around so let’s make out” syndrome that gay love stories suffer from. Listen, I get it, sometimes there aren’t a lot of options. But it truly felt like, at times, Matt was just stringing Kermit along because he wanted a cuddle buddy and not because he genuinely liked Kermit.

- Also, what was the purpose of Kermit’s fart dream? It was just weird to be honest.

[rin-and-jade]

Heya. Just wanted to see if you have any advice for a polyfragmented system really struggling with feeling fake bc of splitting a lot of alters at once? Pur host is so super distressed because he feels Like we are subconsciously faking DID or twisting symptoms of another health issue to fit being a system.

Some encouragement or advice would be greatly appreciated.

--wildwood and co

Well, im going to say that everyone don’t have the same tolerance in handling stress (usually the cause of splits and whatnot) and that makes perfect sense because everyone has their own little spectrum, which includes you. Be it a person who is at the lowest spectrum possible, the middle, or the highest,, people who have yet tried to accept the way it is tend to say things like “it’s not bad enough” or “it feels bad enough that it looks fake because I don’t think it works that way” with no end.

Trying to justify by saying it’s fake, it’s not bad, it’s something else,, might make you end up a bit worser than where you had started because this feeling you have in your gut that just doesn’t sit right with all of those doubts and people’s experiences is still in there scuffing you in and out. Convincing ourselves that we’re faking an illness also doesn’t make the illness go away because if we really ARE faking it would’ve just went away.. as we wished. And that’s what is keeping us in a spiral.

Now i know this doesn’t feel like a positive encouragement but nevertheless im trying to say what’s the truth in the best way, minimum sugar coating, straight to the point and got some good answers. Some people don’t like it covered in glitter especially me, but people do like advices unlike something that’s taken out of google, so im writing three steps for you here;

Acceptance: first off, most important, try to stop denying it (thinking its fake) and see what happens. It feels bad for a moment, but it makes you a bit free doesn’t it? Let me tell you mine: i kept convincing myself i am all fine, all good, im a good person im not bad,, those things and the next second it contradicts itself every 5 fucking seconds. Because everyone isn’t immune to problems, neither about not percieved as a bitch in someone’s eyes because there’s always those people who hates peaches even if you taste the best. And when i started telling myself i have some bad parts it feels like seeing in a new perspective of the situation.

2. Grey thinking: acceptance is the first step to eliminating most of the problems we have be it denial and whatnot. But if you still think in extremities that will push you down the hole hard, we need to comprehend the middle area, again using my anecdote before where i scale myself either “bad” and “good”,, that seem so hard to comprehend and categorize the real perspective so by having the middle, as “i am good because i care about people and im also bad because i tend to be selfish” really puts me on a sweet spot where i don’t get distressed and tunnel vision. Now we are closer to being healthier in thinking.

3. Profit!: once we got the self acceptance and grey thinking down, we got ourselves an easy way to prevent another relapse of thoughts (the “oh god am i faking?!”). This is where people can have a better time using their mental capacity for healing the damaging mindset or learning how to cope better (splitting less) and i call that a win. Last advice is that we should never give this monster the food it wants (your negative thoughts to spiral down) so sometimes we can just ignore it, what gives,, im a bad person? Probably in a temporary moment all good. And it’ll actually go away by itself, with every thoughts easier to handle.

With a decent amount of practice, this shall no longer be a problem, so go get ‘em tiger.

- j

[insipid-drivel]

When DID saves the day

Alex here! I’m one of the primary alters of insipid-drivel and happen to be a pretty regular presence out in the wild. We’ve been endeavoring as a system of alternate personalities to speak out gradually about what it’s like to be us, what it is we - in our unique case, as all DID/OSDD presentations vary and so you should not take this as a research article to be relied upon for all of us - do, why we’re here, and other fun stuff along the way.

I was here today to help keep everyone affected by our mother’s abrupt health crisis and emergency surgery. insipid struggles with severe panic attacks related to this sort of subject matter, and so I’m here in front not to dominate, but to calm and help keep us functioning rather than succumb to severe panic and emotional turmoil.

Today, our mom had to go to the ER. It’s been a very difficult week. We (our pronouns are they/them collectively, but our family is from Southern roots, so it’s also often just “all y’all”) suffered from undiagnosed gallstones for over 20 years due to a hilariously outdated and mismanaged medical system that fobbed off an AFAB person who happened to have an unrelated mental illness who said “this hurts” for the umpteenth time! I happen to be an alter that’s highly fixated on medicine, health, and general wellbeing (and cheese) and felt particularly strongly to write this post with the intent of it additionally serving as a comfort and word of solidarity for other people out there who have suffered too long from doctors that forgot that medicine involves working with actual human beings and that being a bigoted asshole is why people die more than they should.

Like a few other conditions in our family, digestive issues have always been a genetic issue. In our particular branch, it’s gallstones. Our mom is in her mid-60′s and right in time for age-related gallstones to manifest, too, because our sensitivities to various foods often intensify as we age. Really though, as you get into your middle age, have a peek at your gallbladder if you eat a fatty or alcohol-rich diet. It just takes an ultrasound to check if you have any gallstones, yourself. They’re completely painless until they reach a point where they come loose and become trapped in a bile duct (an itty bitty little hose smaller than a human hair connecting the gallbladder to the stomach). This presents with absolutely horrifying pain in the mid-abdomen, usually toward the right hand side, as well as sometimes with severe burning and piercing pains in the abdomen. The pain is usually so severe that it necessitates hospitalization, opioids, and eventually, surgery.

With how severe the pain of a gallbladder in distress is, it’s easy to imagine how helpless you could feel when presented with a loved one in agonizing pain that you can’t make go away. The bitch of it is, when you’re waiting to be called up so you can get access to general and pain treatment, the gallbladder attacks often trigger spasms in the intestines that causes a sensation of intense urgency to use the bathroom in frequent waves. It’s virtually impossible to stay still and wait. It’s just as hard to watch, especially when you’ve suffered from it, yourself. It can bring back traumatic and triggering memories, because these conditions can be and are traumatic. Pain can leave deep psychological scars, and that’s okay. The important thing is to keep fighting for your right to feel better in every way you know you deserve to. It is very normal to see a therapist after a major health crisis, especially when pain was a major part of it, and you shouldn’t feel ashamed of talking to someone.

Our younger brother is our only other major form of direct support, but he happens to be on the shy side of autistic and can struggle with crisis management, especially when it’s personal to him. Like many people on the spectrum, he can clam up and quietly crumble from feeling the pressure to be The Guy, but not feeling like he has the life experience or confidence to “help correctly”.

That’s where I specifically come in! With insipid down with completely-understandable panic attacks because C-PTSD sucks and our brother feeling frozen and unsure of how to help and when, I asked insipid’s permission to take over, stop the panic cycle, and manage the most important thing of all: looking after our mom’s elderly, disabled dog and informing both him and our mother about what to expect, what signs were positive, and generally take charge and provide a sense of stability that our mom being cripplingly ill has temporarily taken away.

I’m a problem-solver. I fix things, and I love to take care of people and know that I’m helping. That’s what a lot of us alters do, and all we really care about. DID/OSDD, in our case, isn’t that much of a disorder. We work together as a system - we prefer to be called a team - to provide in surprising ways. We may not all be talkative, or personable, or even likeable, but there’s usually specific reasons behind why we exist as we do to the person that lives with us.

Instead of being a nervous wreck and never sleeping until everything is okay (and thus keeling over of sleep deprivation, and brain health is kind of a big deal to all of us because it’s kind of the only real space we have), I can get us to bed and panic attacks can piss off ;) Everything’s fine and dandy, and I know it because I said so, and that answer is acceptable in my abstract reality.

In the words of Adam Savage (or whoever he heard it from), “I reject your reality and substitute my own.”

Fight the stigma, and good night <3

-Alex

[shaaaaaaar]

my therapist and i spend a whole lot of our sessions vibing together like we’re at a stitch and bitch. we talk about stuff going on involving my mental health and most of the time it’ll eventually become me talking about stuff outside of mental health.

sometimes my conversation is very related to my own therapy. she lets me talk about my feelings on writing and how i want to use writing to help people talk about complex feelings. sometimes its on my sexuality, my gender, and my identity as a whole and my process of discovering myself. that kinda stuff

other times it has jack shit to do with whats going on in therapy. ill talk about whats happened in my dnd campaign (which she now asks about every week), random stories about my friends, a piece of media im into, dumb stuff going on in the world, whatever pops up in my head. she’ll sometimes be the one to get us into one of our casual conversations and we both get very into these topics

to a lesser extent my psychiatrist does this too, though it doesnt feel as natural for me yet. he’ll spend most of our meetings asking me about random shit like what i’ve been watching and what ive been doing, how do i feel about the current weather/holiday, anything im excited for, that stuff. last time i spent a large amount of our session talking about a netflix documentary on jimmy savile. he found it pretty interesting.

with my psychiatrist it has a far more noticeably clinical purpose, but i think its primarily to get a better feel for how im doing beyond the connections im consciously making, as well as to help prompt her work as a therapist. my rambling will often be given comments on how well im using my coping mechanisms as well as how i’ve been doing a great job with life.

of course its also because my therapist is genuinely interested in what i have to say and she enjoys it

and it helps. it actually gets me to realize im doing better than i often think i am, not to mention it gets me to be my goofballs self rather than caught up in feeling broken. i’ll do something and think about how proud my therapist will be during it, and sometimes that thought even helps inform my choices. its been so much more effective for me than the purely clinical “lets go over coping strategies” kind of therapy because suddenly i’m connecting these things we’re talking about to my own life.

like when i was in a psych ward for a week none of the group therapy sessions we did helped me at all because i felt insanely disconnected and it felt like “wow this is the same time ive talked about before”, and then ill go into my personal therapy and talk about the same things i talked about there and BAM its clicking.

anyway, i appreciate her a whole lot

i saw this post earlier about therapists and it reminded me of my old therapist paul, who in my opinion is one of the greatest men alive and who did not put up with my bullshit for even one second

anyway i go in to see paul one week in the summer of 2016, and i’m doing my usual bullshit which consists of me talking shit about myself, and paul is staring at me, and then he cuts me off and says that he’s got a new tool for helping people recognize when they’re using negative language, and gets up and goes over to his desk

and i’m like alright hit me with that sweet sweet self-help article my man, because i’m a linguistic learner and whenever paul’s like here i have a tool for you to use it’s pretty much always an article or a book or something

paul opens a drawer, takes something out, and turns back around. i stare.

i say, paul.

is that a nerf gun.

yeah, says paul.

i say, are you gonna shoot me with a nerf gun in this professional setting.

he happily informs me that that’s really up to me, isn’t it. and sits back down. and gestures, like, go ahead, what were you saying?

and i squint suspiciously and start back up about how i’m having too much anxiety to leave the house to run errands, like it was a miracle to even get here, like i’ve forgone getting groceries for the past week and that’s so stupid, what a stupid issue, i’m an idiot, how could i–

a foam dart hits me in the leg.

i go, hey! because my therapist just shot me in the leg. paul blinks at me placidly and raises an eyebrow. i squint again.

i say, slowly, it’s– not a stupid issue, i’m not stupid, but it’s frustrating me and i don’t want it to be a problem i’m having.

no dart this time. okay. sweet.

so the rest of the hour passes with me intermittently getting nailed with tiny foam darts and then swearing and then fixing my language and, wouldn’t you know it, i start liking myself a little more by the end of the session, which is mildly infuriating because paul can tell and he’s very smug about it 

anyway i leave his office and the lady having the next appointment walks in and i hear what’s all over the floor? and paul very seriously says cognitive behavioral therapy tools.

[emeraldbabygirl]

Girl

Girl

GIRL

GURL

I thought that this snow man live would be so cute and fun and stuff but they decided to to the countdown for 2024 and they talked about the year and what they wanted as far as goals for 2024 and I wasn’t expecting them to be serious this shit is getting emotional esp with their closing song and bro I don’t want to do this shit anymore. I know it’s only November but I’m dreading the New Year’s Eve and next year like never before where I’d say “it’s just another year like anything it hasn’t changed” but bitch 2025 is not going to be anyone’s year. I am not looking forward to continuing my own mental illness bs and this job struggle, I am not looking forward to my neighbors being cunts esp since their president won and I am not, like a lot of people, am absolutely not looking forward to the orange man causing who knows what and doing who know what. If this is the last year I stay sane so be it because I just am quite fucking exhausted of this same shit and gurl if I’m gonna go out it’s gonna be in my home with my family while I still have rights and certain things as they are I just don’t think I can physically or mentally or emotionally do 2025 I can’t bro, this same shit but even worse next year where so many of us are going to be terrified to even leave our homes or go to work? I already have issues with men and I already don’t know and have never had the courage to stick up for myself or be affirmative how am I going to survive? I want to dig a burrow under my house and live there until life is better and things are fixed. I don’t want to be above ground when the purge starts. I am not being dramatic when I say this cause I bet 100% anything goes next year and I am scared. I don’t want next year to get here I just don’t like sorry to ruin the fun of the cute live stream but I’m so tired of having these thoughts about ‘how will my family get through this issue and this issue and this one’ and it’s constantly and our mental health isn’t getting any better and we’re getting more and more poor I feel and I personally feel like I’m absolutely losing it like I can even go to work sometimes because I hate the job and it gives me so much anxiety and all this other shit that I don’t show up. I wanted to quit Friday but I told my supervisor I’d be in Sunday and I’m gonna fight the same stomach pain and have another mental episode and like how many more times do I have to put up with it? How many more med changes do I need to have, how many more excuses do I need so I don’t have to go like why is this job giving me such a problem? Why why why? And how much longer do I have to put up with life’s bullshit? I’m so tired I sleep so much and I’m still tired, I want to lose wait but I’m constantly eating and I’ve never hated my body or the way I look until like 4 or 5 years ago and I just am gonna be this size my whole life I’m tired of everything and my mum knows I’m not happy and I just hate life a lot and I’m not looking forward to this same shit and worse things next year. Like girlies I just cannot do this I just wish I could meet someone rich to take me away and I could be happy and help my family. I should be grateful that I’m not homeless or dead I guess but I feel like holding a job I suck at and it’s not for me but in order to keep the house and pets and “it’s required as an adult” I have to have a job and having this one is freaking me out and having another one freaks me out because I fear the unknown and driving freaks me out and not having a job would stress me out and I’m just losing it man. If only I could just have an ideal world right but life is a bitch and I’m not made for this anymore man I’m just here and I’m not alive tbh

I’m just not feeling the way I was when I was a kid it’s all blah and depression and feeling like dying is a better option but I can’t even afford to die and my mummy doesn’t want me to die but I fear the day she dies and I cannot handle that bro I just need the universe to fix this mess and next year the world will actually heal and things will be good for everyone and I can find a job I am actually good at and I like and then I can be delulu and happy and maybe my delulu will bring a solulu and I can have the boyfriend I’ve wanted since I was a kid like but I don’t have hope. When this year ends who knows what will happen to me or my family and I’m not looking forward to the day I wake up and shit hits the fan. I’m just not ready for this 2025 bullshit I wish a meteor would just dinosaur us again like fuck this shit man.

[countrygals-stuff]

Solby-letters part 3

Colbys POV:

I woke up early this morning and didn’t know what to do i knew i was gonna write Sam another letter but I didn’t what to write, i had so many compliments and things i could say but I couldn’t choose so i called Kacy. “Colbyyy why the fuck would you wake me up this early in the morning!” “Sorry kac I can’t get back to sleep and im lonely”. “Why dont u call Jake or something that ugly ass bitch would be fine but now im gonna be in a mood all dayyyyy.” I know kac but it would be weird to call Jake at 4 in the morning, im not even that close with him”. “You have a point ngl, still im pissed tho”. “Ok but i need help.” Like mentally or physically?” Haha so funny i say sarcastically” “Ok but what do you need help with?” “So im gonna write Sam another letter but i dont know what to write.” “I have an idea, you should give him hints about who you are very letter but not to specific like “im a boy” or i “have blue eyes”. I dunno kac what if he find out it’s me?” “I dont think he will.” “Yeah ok I’ll write something like that.” “Thanks Kacy.” Wait colbs do you realise you live a couple houses down from him”. “ from Sam?” “Yeah.” Wait are you serious!” “Yes Colby im serious, how have you not noticed.” “I dont know…i guess i dont really pay attention much.” “i guess, but im gonna go get a snack, ill be right back”. “ok,”

(5 minutes later) “im baaaack.” “Someone’s feeling better” i say. “Yeah i just rinses my face with some cold water and now im more awake.” “Cool, hey kac?” “Yeah colbs”. “Do you have a crush”. “Umm why?” “Cause surely you have a crush by now, its been over a year since your last relationship.” “I mean maybeee.” “Who is it?!” “Don’t tell anybody”. “Kacy i dont have anyone else to tell, pleaaaase tell me!” “Ok, ok I’ll tell you, its …ur mum”. “Kacyyyyyy! Your so annoying sometimes!” “Yeah i know, but i gotta get ready so see ya at school!” She hung up on me.

Time skip to lunch, Sam’s POV:

im running to my locker in hopes c.b wrote me another letter, yesterday’s letter was so sweet but i hope c.b isn’t lie and this isn’t a set up. When i open my locker a piece of paper flyers out and i emediatly grab it and sprint to the cafeteria to open it with Kat, i look round and see her talking to the girl that hangs out with Colby. “Sam!” She yells“coming Kat!” I run over to her and sit down and that girl goes and sits down with the footy players and then i see Colby sit down next to her and starters eating his lunch. The i remember the note. “Oh, Kat I got another note!” I squeal with happiness. “Have you opened it yet?” “No i wanted to open i with you.” “Aww Sammy that’s so sweet.” “Yeah yeah, know let me open it I can’t wait anymore”. “Ok go ahead”

The letter:

Hi again Sammy, i love you soooo much i wish i could just hug you and hold you But I can’t yet. Eventually we can be together if u like me back but im gonna give you hints to who i am every week for a month and then we can meet up and you can see who i Am so the first one is that i am a boy(: love from c.b

“Kat i was right he is a boy! And he is gonna give me hints for a month and then we’re gonna meet up!” “Awww Sammys got a crush!” Yeah but what about Colby I whisper so no one can hear.” “Yeah but what if he is better than Colby she whispers.” “I think that’s impossible but I’ll give it a shot.”

Colby’s POV: i was watching Sam from a crowd in the hall i saw him run to his locker and open it and see the letter fly out, he quickly grabbed it and ran to the cafeteria i quickly followed and sat down next to Kacy and pretended I wasn’t watching him. I heard him talking to that girl and he gets out the note and reads it and he talks happily to the girl but then they whisper something and then Sam talks again and says i guess ill give it a shot.

Hello! Nonexistent fans! I need to tell u some things , so first of all i suck at editing, second is that im Australian and when i say football or footy players i mean soccer, i guess, or jocks might be easier and i might accidentally add some slang without noticing so dont mind that, and i plan to have 10 parts to this story so thx and sry for not posting in a while, i was busy but I’ve got a couple of parts that i just need to edit and then they’ll be out so, byeeeeee<3

[runonwords]

I’m mad at Daddy. He spanked me just now and I wasn’t expecting it at all. Normally I know when it’s coming. He tends to be quite patient. Apparently not tonight.

I’ve been in a pretty fragile state as of late. Work, for lack of a better term, FUCKING SUCKS. I’m stuck coteaching with, also for lack of a better term, a miserable bitch. She and I became close last year, but she’s only a few years shy of retirement and wants nothing to do with teaching the grade level we’re assigned to. Her mood swings are unpredictable and I spend the majority of my time obsessing over whether or not I’m hated and/or because mental illness.

I fall into spurts of drinking to dull the perseverance. I haven’t been, but tonight I broke my promise to myself. Naturally, my emotions are a little more ebby and flowy so my anger at the situation is projected onto my husband. It’s toxic, sure, but it’s honest.

Anyway, I ordered groceries tonight in a panic to make sure he had something to eat. He’s got a powerlifting meet coming up and I had a coupon for ground beef.

“This is way too fatty,” he said while cooking.

“Just fucking drain it,” I replied, immediately regretting my tone. I took his comment as a personal attack and reacted accordingly instead of taking it at face value. My therapist would probably agree with my husband, albeit the spanking part (we have yet to share that).

Out comes the rubber spatula. Cue panic. I’m bent over the washing machine and he’s hitting me hard, but I’m too angry to cry. I walk away and come back into the kitchen to throw something away, slamming the cupboard in the process, and now my face is cupled tightly in his hand.

“Did you just slam that?” There’s a pause. Silence on my end.

“Did you just slam that,” he repeats.

“Yessir,” I respond, all the while staring at the floor.

He pulls my head up to meet his eyes.

“You are going to behave for the rest of the night. If you’re struggling, I will hold you, but you don’t get to sass me for multiple days without consequences, do you understand?”

“Yes, Daddy,” and I bury my head into his chest, still angry.

I’m not angry at him, but I keep it together all day at work despite the fact that I often visualize physically fighting this woman. I’m quite aggressive by nature, internally anyway. It’s my primary fuel for self-destructive behavior, but eventually it bubbles over.

Then there’s the meltdown. The kind of meltdown that you don’t remember the next morning. Rinse. Repeat.

I guess I feel better. At minimum, getting a spanking pushed me into a place of reflection. I’ve got BPD and PTSD. Therapy is helpful, but by no means is heightened self-awareness the key to minimizing behaviors.

Sometimes I get stuck. I get really stuck. Stuck enough where the only thing louder than the voice in my head is a slap to my nervous system.

I don’t know that I’m necessarily calm, but I can tell you that all I really want right now is comfort. That’s one perk of domestic discipline I suppose. There’s always the promise of softness after the harsh reality that is waking me up.

Seriously though- fuck that bitch.

[poisoned-peppermint]

The snow in the wizard of OZ was asbestos

More Dsmp Incorrect quotes

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Skeppy: ‘I could fix him’ yeah well I could brush his hair and call him babygirl

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Bad to skeppy: not only did I show you my boobs but I also showed you my mental illness.

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Bad: Get you a man who doesn't question your bizarre, superhuman strength in the least, but instead simply says "Wow," as he watches you kick a man into the ceiling.

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Skeppy: How can someone say Bad is evil?? They’re the most precious soft little soul.

Bad *wiping blood of their face* Yeah I’m adorable!

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Bad: VIBE CHECK *cups skeppys face and kisses him till he’s breathless*

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Hannah: I get this weird feeling in my chest, every time I see you.

Tina:

Hannah:

Tina: Is it heartburn?

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Wilbur: We can’t ibuprofen our way outa this one boys.

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Eret: So I’m sitting there….tears on my titties.

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Tubbo to Ranboo: I’m sorry I roasted you, I was trying to flirt.

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Tubbo*chokes on something* 

Ranboo: Jeez Tubbo don’t die on me!

Tubbo: Don’t tell me what to do, I’ll die whenever the hell I want!

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Bad: I’ve slept so little I can now officially smell colors.

Foolish: How are you still alive??!?

Bad: That’s the question I’ve been asking every day.

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Foolish: Be nice!!

Bad: I am!

Foolish: You threatened them with a knife!!

Bad: Well ya, but I didn’t stab them.

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*Ponk doing an eye exam on Bad*

Ponk: Your results aren’t good.

Bad: Can I see them

Ponk: Probably not

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Tommy: Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the store.

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Tubbo: Guess what??

Tubbo: We have a rabbit's nest in our back yard!

Ranboo: Ok.

Tubbo: Does nothing matter to you.

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Bad to Foolish: Thank you for sending assassins after me btw I really needed that. It meant alot to me.

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Tommy to Ranboo: If you didn’t want to be assimilated into my found family then you should have killed me when you had the chance

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Bad: Yeah I’m a false prophet but you believed me so whose fault is it really that we’re in this mess

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Skeppy to Bad: Whats up Girl, you look foreboding and malicious.

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Hannah: Do you like me?

Tina: Yes.

Hannah: Really? *pouts*

Tina:  You really think I would keep up with all your bullshit if I didn’t love you?

Hannah *blushing*: OMG you just said you love me.

Tina: We’ve been dating for three years

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Skeppy to Bad: Damn Girl what do those claws do? Destroy? That's awsomeeee I love it.

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Skeppy *hugs Bad from behind*

Bad: uh

Bad: hi?

Skeppy: Mine

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Bad: What do I get if I win?

Skeppy: I don’t know. A kiss?

Bad: How will I reach you? Do I have to bend down?

Skeppy: Bitch, I will climb you.

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Antfrost: what is love?

Bad: an emotional minefield

Ponk: a neurochemical reaction

Hannah: BABY DONT HURT ME-

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Bad: Skeppy! This soup is flaccid!

Skeppy: LITERALLY WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?!

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let me know if ya’ll want more <3

I’m open to suggestions