#and possibly (definitely) losing the coin toss anyway

[amplexadversary]

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[jodilin65]

TUESDAY, APRIL 30, 2019 “I will remember and recover, not forgive and forget.”

Awesome meme I just shared on FB.

The girls read my message but are in ignore mode. No problem. :) Now I don’t have to worry about them coming between Tammy and I. As I would tell anyone, though, once you walk out of my life you don’t get to come back.

They really are a couple of conceited, narcissistic, selfish bitches showing their true colors. I would tell them so if it weren’t for Tammy, not that they could see, understand, accept and admit their faults. They’re very Kim. In other words, they can do no wrong and the world must revolve around them and them only at all times.

Following my discussion with Tammy, I really got to missing country living big time. I got to thinking of the reasons one of us or both of us may like Florida or not like it. I thought of the pros and cons of remaining in some type of community vs going rural, as well as cold vs warm climates. My heart is in the country but my reality is the city, like it or not.

The climate I really want to live in is Hawaii but there’s no way we could ever afford that. Remaining in the city is definitely more convenient but damn do I get sick of the constant noise, used to it or not. I miss the peace, space and open skies.

It’s quiet now but at 1 a.m. I was hearing a symphony of sirens, helicopters and small planes. Anything could erupt at any minute. It just gets so old. I have never lived anywhere this noisy. Ever. I used to think Jesse’s mutts were absolutely horrible and while they were definitely plenty bad enough in themselves, I would take that back over this shit in a heartbeat because that would be simple enough to drown out with sound machines. I just miss having to deal with one or two sources of noise instead of a million.

I wish there was a way to know in advance how we might like or not like any particular climate or place but there’s no way to know this. I only know for sure that I would hate to be back in a climate like Klamath Falls or smack dab in the middle of Los Angeles or New York City.

We’ve really got to choose where we settle wisely because I don’t know that we could afford to get back out. Tammy and Mark are going to have a lot more money than we’ll have. That’s the impression I get anyway.

I do worry about the humidity and the bugs and possibly losing our place to a hurricane. I also wonder just how often thunderstorms may wake me up when I have issues sleeping so much of the time as it is. Motorcycles are even worse of a problem there than here and I have a feeling loud car stereos would be as well.

But maybe we would just love it so much in Florida that we wouldn’t mind the humidity and the bugs because we would always have AC and we could really bomb the place well. We just can’t know.

If after a few years of living in Ohio, Tammy loved it as much as she’s sure she’s going to - remember, life isn’t usually what we plan it to be as Florida showed her and Cali showed me - even if we could afford to get our own place on an acre or two, assuming that land wouldn’t be left and its natural state, Tom would have to mow the grass or whatever was around the place and I know he would hate that. I don’t think we could afford to hire anyone like they’re likely going to for their place.

I like that you could still have high-speed internet and not have to drive nearly an hour to civilization for shopping and things like that but I just don’t know if we should consider rural in any climate.

I also don’t know that I would like living so close to Tammy. Would she bug us a lot? Or no? There’s no way to know without actually living near her.

I just hate the fact that it’s basically a toss of a coin wherever we go. We’re either going to be happy there or not. It may not be 100% perfect and it may not be 100% bad but we can’t know what side of the coin will be leaning on until we get there and experience it. Also, things change. Tammy started off happy in her park until things went downhill. I can relate! Every single place I’ve ever lived in got progressively noisy whether it started off just a little noisy or more than just a little.

I can just imagine what our mother would say if the bitch was still alive. “I told you. I told you both to stay in the country.”

I remember before she died telling her that we were looking into an adult community and expected her to say something like, “Oh, good for you.” Instead, I was first greeted with silence. A disapproving kind of silence. Then, “I don’t think that’s right for you.”

Yeah, bitch, you were right on that one. But it’s what’s feasible for an aging couple that isn’t very sociable with people regularly looking in on us or that we could just dial up if we needed anything.

I love summer because I prefer to be sleeveless and barefoot but it also makes sleeping and working out hard.

If we were in a colder climate, working out and sleeping would be easier and it would likely make things quieter as well. But then it’d be back to long sleeves, bulky robes, coats, scarves, slippers, socks, etc.

So I see the potential good and bad in all the various possibilities.

I warned Tammy that excessive barking and loose dogs have always been an issue in rural areas for us but she’s sure they won’t be an issue there. People do tend to see dogs as pets in the east rather than live outdoor decor that you have to provide food and water for, but still, I know how noise-cursed I am in general. The house closest to us would leave the barking mutts outside round the clock. They would have the wild kids out screaming and maybe sometimes coming onto our land. We would get the neighbor with the loud car stereo and if I could hear music and dogs on a 10-acre parcel, we’d certainly hear it on a smaller parcel. Sounds travel, especially out in the country, and car stereos travel nearly half a mile no matter where you are. Plus, you have hunters and dirt bikes.

So as much as I yearn for the country so much of the time, this is what I’m used to and this is where I’ll stay. We’ll move to Florida and we’ll either like it or we won’t, and just like with this place, we’ll deal with whatever we don’t like. There is no perfect place and if there’s anyplace close, I’m not meant to be in it.

I also told myself that if I went to a place like Ohio, I would have to spend so much of the time cooped up indoors if it was cold and rainy a lot of the time but then we would probably be cooped up in Florida as well due to the heat and humidity. It’s not like we would spend all day at the pool or the beach anyway. So it does seem that all climates and whether or not you’re in the country or the city definitely have their pros and cons.

Later…

Coincidentally or not, the commercial planes have been quiet since I complained. Guess they’re back in north flow and hopefully they’ll stay that way for a while.

St. Martins. That was the country Tammy was considering. I knew she had told me about a year ago but couldn’t remember which country until I asked her yesterday. They decided against it, though, because it would be just as humid there. I pointed out that summers in Ohio would be humid too, but as she said it would only be for a few months a year and not seven or eight months like in Florida.

When Alexa told me the temperature would only be two degrees warmer at 8 as opposed to just after 3 when Tom was up and available to go walking with me, I suggested we go then because that way I wouldn’t have to deal with loud landscaping, traffic, dog walkers and all the other shit you get in the daytime here. Well, it’s a good thing I suggested we go then because he had scheduled the car to charge at a certain time and it didn’t because he screwed up the scheduling. He’s using an app now that is better and found a nearby charging station for if the charging cord were to crap out before we get a backup.

We took the car to a car wash on Sunday but not the kind you drive through. You do it yourself with high-power hoses and dryers and it’s open 24 hours a day.

We went to Rite Aid as well where I decided to try Barefoot Pinot Grigio and their Chardonnay. Not much difference really. For the most part, wine is wine. But I do prefer Rosé and Merlot. Picked up a case of Strawberita as well. Yes, I could do without it, but I do like those end-of-the-day drinks when I go to wind down.

OJ will never be the same again without caramel Vodka added to it. That much I can say for sure! My homemade caramel screwdrivers are divine.

Kind of funny how I’ve gone from almost never drinking to drinking nearly every day but I guess everyone has their vice and it’s only one drink. It used to be coffee and tea but now I don’t have much of that, especially in warmer weather.

It’s not going to be that warm today. It’s only to get to 70° and all the way down to 47° tonight which sucks. It’s pretty windy out there now, too. At least it’s better for sleeping and exercise.

I called to make an appointment with a new shrink and at first I was given one for the first. But not only do we not want to drive all the way to South Sacramento, the guy, who seems to have recently come from Michigan, is Indian. Nothing against them but I’m tired of having to deal with hard-to-understand accents. He also has a couple of negative reviews but I realize every doctor is going to get at least a few because no one can please everybody. Hell, Dr. O has some negative reviews about the way she can come off as condescending, bitchy and stern. They’re right, though, LOL, even though the last couple of times I saw her she was very nice and she’s a great doctor.

Anyway, I was able to keep my appointment with the lady shrink in late September but hopefully by then I’ll be breaking records with the anxiety and just a couple of weeks from being officially menopausal. Really don’t think medication is the answer right now or that it will do me much good with the way benzos stop working and SSRIs make me want to kill myself.

Yesterday marks 3 weeks without anxiety on the lower dose but the real test won’t begin until and if I can surpass 8 weeks. If I can stay calm that long, that will be a bit encouraging but I really have to get past 4 months in order to really start seeing a serious ray of hope. I can definitely say that my overall mood has improved tremendously.

The rats and pigs were out for a little over a half-hour. Blitz seems less bothered by the rats than Rockefeller. The pigs are spit bath whores and want to clean everyone and anything they can. But apparently, Rockefeller doesn’t appreciate being given a bath so he sometimes bonks them with his nose or kicks at them which in turn starts the rats’ sideling show. LOL, yeah, the pigs are kickboxers and the rats are sidelingers. So after a few bonks, kicks and then finally the teeth chattering, I pulled Rockefeller out and left just Blitz to hang with Fuzzy and Woody. I can tell the rats aren’t afraid of the pigs or else they would avoid them. But Rockefeller can definitely do without them.

Didn’t hear the loud car while I was up but as I was going to bed and turned on the sound machine I did hear some loud things going by but I can’t say for sure what they were. I may never live anyplace too peaceful but OMG, get me off of this busy street and just let me be able to sleep without earbuds hissing white noise at me. Well, I think this one is brown noise but still…

I’m pleased to hear that they’re hoping to eliminate the bail system here in California. As he and I both agree, this shouldn’t be allowed because this only gives rich people a chance to get a break that others can’t and that’s definitely not fair. There’s already enough unfairness in the legal system as it is.

What I also think they should start doing is paying back those found innocent who have done time. After I was vindicated, I received zero compensation. How fucking fair is that?

Loud car just came roaring in at 6:30 AM. Okay, I’m calling the office when they open. I’ve had enough!

Wished Christiane a happy birthday yesterday and she thanked me. How much you want to bet she won’t remember my birthday?

Being on opposite schedules, I haven’t heard much from Aly. I’m hoping she’s been feeling okay and that everything’s been better on the home front. So many blacks are such thugs that they really ruin it for the few good ones who are hard-working and law-abiding.

MONDAY, APRIL 29, 2019 Oh, what interesting messages came in while I slept.

First, Tammy called wanting to work things out and saying she loves and misses me and has good news. Honestly, I’m not surprised. Our relationship as sisters has always been important to her and I do miss her too. It’s her narcissistic, selfish and often dramatic brats I wish she didn’t have around to complicate things. I love my nieces but I don’t like them. I’ll call her after she sees my FB message. Knew she wasn’t dying, though.

Next up was a call from Mercy (on a Sunday?) asking if I’d like an earlier appointment with the new shrink. It’s a he but I wasn’t impressed with the she doc, so not sure it matters so long as I can understand whatever foreign accent they’re likely to have. I don’t mind seeing him. I’m just not sure anyone can help. It’s also way too soon to know if it’s a dose issue, menopause, etc.

Lastly, I asked the Twenties if they knew anything about the punk with the loud car who’s back to living here but not sleeping here and that’s been coming and going twice a day. Carolyn said they have no clue, they’re just as frustrated, and I can fill out a complaint form at the office.

Yeah, I could, but we all know the office isn’t going to do shit. They just don’t do much to enforce rules here and I think these assholes see that, know they’re not going to get kicked out, and so he’s slowly moving his lazy ass back in. Might as well. Coming and going twice a day is enough like him living here, anyway.

After sending Tammy a message I listened/read her VM again and realized she said she had “big” news, not “good” news. If it’s not health-related, could one of the girls be expecting? Getting married? Both? Still think Becky’s gay and would be a bit surprised since they’ve always seemed very “modern.” Work comes first and foremost. But that could very well count as big news. My first guess would be Lisa since she’s 36 now and has been in long-term relationships before. Second would be Sarah, but overly tall, wide, aggressive women don’t win too many hearts over so easily. Living with your sister till you’re pushing 30 kind of tells me something right there, though these days it’s very common to marry later in life if you ever do at all. In 20 years from now, a 53-year-old who’s been married for nearly 25 years won’t be very common.

IDK, maybe they obtained a bunch of money somehow or are going to move to another country. I think it’s connected to her health or the girls, though. Should find out soon enough!

Now I just gotta hope Etta never tells them I contacted her. Eh, I’m not too worried about it.

She gets up early so she could be picking my message up anytime now since it’s almost 6am in Florida.

Later…

I’m getting a little tired because it’s been a long and busy day but I thought I would get some updating done now. If I have to finish this entry tomorrow, I will.

Tammy’s big news was definitely not at all what I expected. It was health-related but it’s what she’s going to do on account of it that surprises me.

She started off by telling me she’s been through hell with her sarcoidosis and fibromyalgia and how the constant heat and humidity there have been making things worse. Plus, she’s got allergies that don’t respond to nasal spray or anything. Mark had also become very depressed and she feels bad because moving to Florida was her dream. He went from making $27 an hour to $12 an hour and they’ve both suffered so much ever since they moved there nearly half a decade ago. Well, they’ve had enough and they’re going to move.

When I asked where they were going to move to she shocked the shit out of me and said Ohio. The Columbus area where my cyber friend Christine lives.

Not only does Mark’s brother Paul live there but at the men’s retreat he sometimes goes to, he became close friends with a guy named Dave. Dave lives in Ohio as well and told him all about these wonderful places there and a lot about the area. He’s offered Mark a job doing home construction and remodeling like he used to do in Connecticut. Mark just isn’t the type to sit at home all day despite being 68.

So Mark is there right now and is really impressed with what he’s seeing and learning about the place. It’s even cheaper than Florida there.

“But do you really want to go back to cold and snow?” I ask Tammy, knowing how much she always hated that.

She says that the area they’re thinking of getting one or two acres of land on is in a valley. Therefore, while they do get cold and they do get snow, they get a lot more rain than snow. She said they only really get a few inches of snow a year there.

She is also getting a taste of what I’m getting here. They’ve gone through 4 managers in her park and things have really gone downhill in a lot of ways. It’s become noisier to the point where she can now understand what I’m going through with people sitting there revving motorcycles and shit like that.

She was telling the manager about her plans to put signs up to sell her house which they want to do themselves rather than go through Zillow or anything like that, and the manager said something about her not being able to put signposts on her grass, even though she intends to put them in the lanai window. Then Tammy said, “What grass? You mean the grass that we pay for every month?”

She’s also had problems with some of the people there. She didn’t get into every single thing but Connie, a deaf 85-year-old, suffers from serious dementia. The woman has come over in her nightgown screaming at her at 1:30 in the morning and even her son who was living with her got so fed up that he left. She said the woman refuses to take medication or let anyone help her and there was some concern about her starting a fire using her oven and stuff like that.

Left with no choice, she called the cops on her during one of her screaming fits, and the cop was telling her son, “Hey, you can’t leave her alone in this condition.”

Tammy hated to do it, she said, but she got a two-year order of trespassing against the woman and was told to take her picture and call the police if she comes over screaming at her again.

Then she was at the pool one day and could clearly hear other neighbors talking about her and saying how she was yelling at this poor old lady. Tammy was upset and told them, “She’s deaf! I had to yell because it was the only way she could hear me.”

I told her that I do miss rural living as well but that we’re getting too old for that, especially with no family around.

“You have family,” she told me. Yeah, but not in the same town.

I totally believe that where there are people, there’s noise. Rural living may not be perfect but I do miss many aspects of it. Where she’s going to be isn’t so far away from civilization. From the way she made it sound, they can still get high-speed internet and they don’t have to rely on a well either.

Makes me wish even more that I was oblivious to cold climates if it’s even cheaper than Florida and you can get an acre or two with a house that’s fairly new for the 130K she says you can.

It’s tough cuz everything seems to have its pros and cons. I don’t mind rain but I don’t like cold/snow. I do worry about how the Florida humidity may affect me, though, plus there are bugs, gators and hurricanes to worry about. We’re still a long way from deciding anything, though.

Can’t wait to see how things go for her after she’s been there a while. She says the hardest thing will be leaving the girls who are going to remain in Florida for now but says it will be cheap enough to fly them to visit.

Tammy rambled on and on mostly about herself, as usual, but that’s just Tammy, LOL. Definitely missed our chats even though I prefer to keep in touch more on Facebook as I’m a very digital person compared to her. Missed sharing things with her, though. So it’s nice to be back in touch again.

She also had to get rid of Hunter because he was attacking people. He was part Chihuahua and part rat terrier. There was no change in him even after 8 weeks of training so he had to be returned. She now has a dog named Bella. She’s a Chihuahua and very loving and quiet. I didn’t hear a thing when we were talking. The other dog used to bark non-stop and it was very annoying.

I updated her on things like the Liothyronine experiment, our new pets, new car, etc.

I scrolled through her wall and she posted an article on Lady Gaga announcing that she too, has fibromyalgia, and we were both pretty disgusted by some of the ignorant comments she got. You can’t just “not let it get to you” or “move on” or “take Ibuprofen.” I have been met with the same ignorance regarding my circadian rhythm disorder. “Just set your alarm and get up at the same time every day.” Like, gee, I couldn’t have thought of that one on my own if that was possible? But yeah, I’m lazy and making excuses, according to some people. Amazing how many people think they have this power over you they don’t have. Like I would have to be afraid they would spank me or something if the truth really was that I was lazy and dared to say so? rolls eyes

Not only is Tammy the same chatty person who’s hard to get a word in edgewise, but she’s also still emotional, LOL. She was telling me that they threw Mark a farewell party at the nursing home he was working at and got all emotional because it was really nice. They were both emotional and very touched by the generous gesture. It sounds like it was wonderful from what she told me.

We ended up talking for 1 hour and 11 minutes and she didn’t say anything about Lisa other than that she’s spotted a gator during one of her visits and ran from the pool freaking out. Becky is working at Publix now and Sarah left Sears and is now with Ross.

I sent Becky and Sarah a message and while it appears that Becky saw it, she hasn’t replied. Don’t know if she’s just busy or if she’s gone Lisa on me but if she has, that would certainly make things easier. It’s other people that complicate things. I think I could get along with Tammy alone just fine. It’s others that sometimes get in the way and come between us.

She claimed to have no memory of the girls calling me out on some of my posts and I totally believe her because I know that she has way worse memory issues than I do. Her condition is worse than mine, it affects the memory worse than mine can, and she’s older.

But yeah, I almost wish none of the girls would want anything to do with me. It would just be so much easier that way.

SUNDAY, APRIL 28, 2019 My keyboard is dead and Aly is back to creating new accounts in which to spy on me. I just don’t understand what the hell she’s doing this for. Just what is it she’s hoping to see?

I blocked her, and if I’m right about that being her, I wonder if that was a mistake because sooner or later she’s going to catch on that I know she’s watching me and then blocking her and this may make her more suspicious. It isn’t that I want to hide anything from her. I don’t know what it is. I just know I don’t want her looking in on me or else I wouldn’t bother sharing via email. I guess that’s it, anyway. Her determination is annoying and making me a bit uncomfortable. I suppose I should be flattered but I don’t know that she’s so determined to check me out simply because she likes my writing or anything like that. I think she’s paranoid or suspicious for some reason and is seeing if she can catch me saying something I shouldn’t say. Oh, I’ve said plenty of things I shouldn’t say but I keep that private. She can read the whole story when I’m dead. She won’t like it, but she can read it.

In regards to that 10-year-old kid Linzee that was expelled, Aly insists she was being put down by teachers and students alike and that’s why she was lashing out and her parents aren’t fighting the expulsion.

Here’s another thing she won’t find me saying in public and that’s that apparently Nebraska is the only state left that has a problem with blacks because she and Cam are being harassed by neighbors who have supposedly done the same thing to some Asians that were living in the area. They egged Cam’s BMW, trampled some tulips that were planted by the previous owner, and gave her hell about leaving the dog out to bark.

They got cameras so hopefully they’ll catch the culprits since it’s unlikely they’re going to simply give up and decide to leave them alone.

Cam’s brother says it’s looking like the mice problem has been solved so hopefully they can return home. For now, she says they’re not running and will be there until October.

Mary F, who I believe is Nissan’s sister based on her bio and appearance, sent a message yesterday asking if she knew me since I’m showing up on her Messenger. I explained to her that once contact is established, you’re automatically connected on Messenger. I don’t know why that is but as I told her, she could just go ahead and block me if she wanted to.

Then I couldn’t resist fucking with her by saying she was on my friend list all of a sudden and so was Nissan. I knew she would run and tell Nissan who would automatically freak out. I blocked Mary after she blocked me and then I blocked all three of Nissan’s accounts. LOL

Tom fixed my favorite windchime and successfully blocked the rats from getting behind the dishwasher and fridge with blocks of foam. Well, more like styrofoam. They were out for a while and then Woody surprised me by going home on his own. They spend most of the time out piggy peeping, haha.

SATURDAY, APRIL 27, 2019 I was watching a documentary on the Pam Smart case. I’m familiar with the case but I watch a lot of true crime stuff anyway. Funny how the condo she had her husband killed in was 4E. I’ve always found the number 4 to be very unlucky, as is a popular belief amongst Asians.

I was thinking about the medication/anxiety experiment I’m doing and while it’s still way too soon to know if this is going to tell me anything new, I can’t help but wonder about some things. If there really is anything up there that plans what happens to us, it’s almost like something wants me to be hypo. If that’s the case, why? What benefit do I get by remaining hypo? Or better yet, what punishment is there in it? To keep me fat? Only problem is that while I would be healthier if I was thinner, I don’t see being fat as a “punishment” because I’m not as self-conscious as a lot of people. I accept myself as I am…a typical older, warm-blooded creature. Besides, suddenly having normal thyroid numbers doesn’t mean I would drop weight. Look at how many older people are fat. They don’t all have bum thyroids.

I should be out in this beautiful weather walking right now but I’m being lazy tonight. I’ll be doing my walking through stores in the morning if that counts. At least it’s by choice and I’m not forced to lay low because I’m tired.

The planes were quiet yesterday morning and I haven’t heard much tonight, so yeah, I like them in the south flow they say they’re in 70% of the year.

Whatever was keeping the punk with the loud car away for those weeks is done and over with and they’re back to their daily visits. They seem to be coming in twice a day and basically living here without sleeping here. I still get the impression they can’t hold a job and are mooching off their enabling parents. Punk hadn’t even been gone 12 hours before I heard it come roaring in this morning as I was reading myself to sleep.

FRIDAY, APRIL 26, 2019 Along with a vision that Trump will NOT be reelected (yay), this is the first time I actually got a reply in regards to my airplane complaint. They said: We have been in North Flow for the past several days. Your location receives more frequent overflight by aircraft departing from SMF when we are in North Flow.

I looked at the flight maps and I can see where they would go over Citrus Heights when in a northerly flow. When they’re in a southerly flow that makes the nighttime bad yet it appears they don’t go over Citrus Heights at all when they’re in a southerly flow, at least according to their map. I can see where Natomas would get slammed no matter what. So glad we didn’t end up there!

What the hell was that metallic rattle I just heard? In the heater? The vents? Whatever that was that made the sound was likely bigger than a mouse.

Anyway, all I know is that before last September the planes weren’t a problem. Why can’t they go back to flying wherever the hell it was they were flying then? They only gave me their flight map. They’re not saying they’re actually going to do anything about it so their maps really don’t matter. They need to stop flying over my fucking head!

And we need to be careful when choosing the next place to live. Can’t do anything about most noise problems like loud traffic but we can get further away from the airport. I compared our old house in Phoenix to Sky Harbor Airport and then our house here to this airport and we’re not nearly as far from it as I thought we were. Sky Harbor was 66 miles from our Phoenix house. Sac International is just 15 miles away from this house.

I still love entertaining the fantasy of growing an arm long enough to reach up and swat them out of the sky, as well as wishing the guy with the voices in his head would be told to use them for target practice.

Although briefly, the water was off yesterday evening. Tom got a text saying they were going to turn the water off at 11 yesterday afternoon but I don’t think they ever turned the water off because the water didn’t spit air at me when I got up and used the toilet and sink.

The pigs were so funny. I couldn’t hear the timer go off which I set in the kitchen after taking my meds and going into the bedroom because I had the fan on. But the pigs sure heard it and let me know, LOL.

I was definitely no neglectful rodent mom today. :) I pulled the pigs’ liner out and replaced it with regular bedding and I also relined the top level of the rats’ cage. While this was taking place they were all playing together in the pen. So cute! A lot of work but cute. Gotta wash their accessories as well. Most of those I usually just run through the dishwasher after I rinse them in the sink.

At 7:30 I heard the loud car come in. By 10:30 I realized I never heard it leave so I went to see if it was still here. I was just contemplating telling the punk to get a muffler when he jumped in and took off.

As I was coming back around the circle, I could see that Bob and Virginia’s place was dark and I knew they were asleep.

A few minutes later, the paramedics came and I thought uh-oh! Especially since their place was now lit up. So I went over there and peered through the storm door and saw Virginia sitting in her chair. I wondered why the paramedics weren’t tending to her and for a minute I thought maybe something was wrong with Bob and they were in the bedroom.

Then she spotted me, waved me in, and gave me a hug. The paramedics were here for Ralph, the guy at the “stroke house.” Didn’t know his name before now. I guess he called them and Virginia didn’t like being woken up. She said that his two kids need to take better care of him or something to that effect because they were sound asleep, and well, Bob was over there while we talked.

I didn’t stay long because it was late but I did ask if they pulled her off her thyroid meds and she said no. She has lost a lot of weight but not so much in the stomach. She looks incredibly old but who wouldn’t in their mid-80s?

She asked how I was doing and I told her I was better and that I cut off about 16 inches of hair. She said. “I know,” after telling me the same thing she tells me every time I see her… She asked Bob where Jodi was. LOL

Their place is absolutely gorgeous, immaculate, and sparsely decorated. I could dust the whole house in five minutes.

Oh, the paramedics just took him away. Hate seeing fire/ambulance trucks. They don’t exactly bring back fun memories…heart booming…running down the hall…trying to steady my fingers to dial 911…get the door open, gotta get the door open…what’s your space number?…I don’t know…what color are you?…white…don’t eat or drink anything until help arrives…

Shudders

THURSDAY, APRIL 25, 2019 I’ve now been anxiety-free for 2 weeks and 2 days. If I make it to May 6th, that’s entering the “critical” zone where the real testing begins. If I can beat May 20th, that’s really, really good. August will be the first real ray of hope albeit a faint one. That will double if I make it to September. October and we’re going out celebrating! It would be a double victory with menopause and breaking records with the anxiety.

And then I remind myself how this sounds way too good to be true. :( If there’s anything that doesn’t make sense about it being the dose it’s those months I had little to no anxiety. The brand could very well still be an issue, though. If it does turn out that it’s not the dose, then my chances went up that it is hormonal changes. But then so does the possibility of it being a permanent disorder I got hit with. Only time will tell! Wish I could snap my fingers and have it be October but I don’t want to skip summer either.

My heart’s been elevated a bit more and I don’t know if that’s because I’m low on thyroid or what.

It’s a good thing I took care of the fish by replacing his water completely, changing his filter, and scrubbing algae off the filter and heater, before I went on the quick bike ride I went on because it seemed to take a lot of energy out of me. Went down to the lake and back and then around the circle. I went so fast it’s hard to believe I wasn’t close to 25-30 MPH. Fortunately, there was no traffic. I just wish people wouldn’t park so damn close to the speed bumps.

Didn’t hear that loud car yesterday but I heard it come in for a few minutes after I got up and then I heard it leave.

It’s been very warm. Close to the 90s but it’s supposed to drop into the low 70s soon.

The planes have been quieter these last couple of nights. Heard one when I was returning from my bike ride but yesterday morning sucked. So much for hoping that since I couldn’t hear the freeway I wouldn’t hear them. Makes sense, though, since the planes are overhead. The freeway’s not.

I’m not going to put up with this shit for another half a decade. There’s got to be someone who will listen to me and as one complainant said, there’s got to be a better way. Yeah, like flying wherever they were flying before last September. This is just ridiculous. One article talked about 20 jets flying over between 5:45 to 7:30 and that sounds about right. That’s when they’re at their worst as well as late at night, although you do hear them in the daytime as well. Just not as much because sound travels better late at night and early in the morning.

There’s got to be someone willing to do something about it. But so far all I do is get ignored. I’ve filled out complaint forms, complained on Twitter, been given the runaround when I called the damn airport…yet no one responds in any way shape or form.

It really sucks when you’re this far inland because they can’t take off over the ocean like they usually do unless weather conditions forbid them to. But where were they going before last September?

All these people seem to care about is themselves. It’s like they’re going to do whatever they’re going to do and to hell with everyone else and those it may affect. They’ve obviously agreed to ignore anyone who complains since I’ve gone through 3 different channels trying to get help or at least some info just to be blown off. Still, there’s got to be something that can be done.

Last night I went out walking when it was around 71°. Was out there for a half-hour until shortly before 11. Skunks really like to hang out in back of the house across from the Twenties. I saw one sitting on the retaining wall.

The smell of jasmine is more present in the air. It’s gorgeous.

Had a dream I got a dentist closer to home. So close I walked there and waited in a fairly spacious waiting room. When I was called in, a young woman with long straight light brown hair was looking up something on the computer. It had to do with info I sent them before my first appointment. She asked me how I managed to organize it so well. I said something about building my own template.

Then I was sitting in the exam chair when I turned to look at a couple of women in the doorway questioning whether or not I needed x-rays. Then, as if I suddenly remembered I said, “Oh, yes. I did have x-rays recently because I remember Holly telling me they looked good.”

For the second time in less than a week, they fucking turned the water off, although briefly.

Remembered, found and blocked a PB account of Aly’s from 2013 when she didn’t exactly have the kindest of things to say about me, but also admitted she was a liar who needed changing. This was when I caught her lying about being friends with Molly. She was right in saying that while she shouldn’t have lied, it was her right to choose who she was friends with. In my mind, I was only warning her for her own good, but mistake to be friends with her or not, it was always her mistake to make.

But was I really as focused on being as negative as she said I was? Yeah, I guess I could be at times, but as Andy would probably say, I was only looking out for her. Or at least I thought I was.

Don’t remember emailing to ask if she’d dumped me if I wouldn’t hear from her for a week, but maybe I did…and didn’t realize this was offensive to her either, but as I’ve long since learned, Aly’s pretty sensitive. You just never can know what might offend her. Who’d have thought such an innocent word as “busy” could trigger her? But it does. So I try to aim to please while still being myself as well.

I’ve also long since learned that anyone can dump us at any time for any reason. I don’t know if she’ll dump me or if I’ll dump her or we’ll be friends forever. I know never to count on or assume anything either way and to just enjoy what time I have with those in my life. But if she or anyone else ever does exit my life again - that’s it. I will not question their decision nor will I try to get them back.

One of Aly’s nanny kids is an adopted Chinese girl named Linzee. Her parents are lesbians. She’s been kicked out of school for foul language but what do the parents do? They don’t fight it. Instead, they send her to another school.

And expect her not to repeat her behavior?

As I told Aly, kids are terrible these days and most of that is the parents’ fault since they don’t discipline them. Most of what these little shits do today was totally unheard of when I was a kid.

I Google myself every now and then just to see what comes up. I see one of the libelous articles I was mentioned in has been deleted. I’d like to think it was because it was false and misleading with its How Many More People Have to Die? title when no one in my case was killed, number one. And number two, I was never charged with a hate crime, which was what the article was about. I’m kind of surprised the courts didn’t call it that since nothing else they called it was correct. I never stalked anyone and it was never about hating them because of their color.

Anyway, I’d like to think that’s why it was removed but more than likely it was simply moved to another location. That’s okay. They can keep their bullshit online because mine is going to be out there right along with theirs someday. :)

TUESDAY, APRIL 23, 2019 Slept great (with earbuds) and continue to be in good spirits and feel well in general. Just a touch lightheaded today.

I usually gather the pigs’ liner by the corners, take it outside, dump shit and hay from it into the pail, then shake it by the cypresses to get out smaller bits of hay and fur. So after dropping shit all over the fucking place and having to sweep it up, the 4 of them played in the pen. So cute! Made a quick vid of it.

Fuzzy was so adorable, as usual, and wanted to play with me as well as run around, unlike his antisocial bro. He can still fit through the bars of the pen but Woody’s so big now he can barely squeeze through.

Wow, my sweet potato smoothie came out AWESOME! All healthy ingredients: Sweet potato (gotta zap it for 5 mins first), milk, banana, vanilla extract, maple syrup, and a pinch of cinnamon. ;)

I’ve switched the smart plug in the bedroom by the bathroom to operate the fan rather than the air cleaner since we should now be entering summer. Shouldn’t need the heat anymore this year. I hope not, anyway! It was nearly 90° today. Love it! Should warm the pool up soon. Looking forward to the dryness too, since it shouldn’t rain other than maybe a sprinkle or two for the next 5-6 months.

Tom pumped my bike tires up before he went to bed. They’re supposed to have 40 lbs of pressure but the front one was down to 24 and the back to 26. Made sure my lights and everything were working as biking can be more dangerous than driving in some ways. I know some of my readers have never gone bike riding or had any interest but I totally recommend trying it at least once! It’s something you’ll either fall in love with right away or you’ll find it terrifying and never want to do it again, LOL. Me, I love the speed. I’d never get on a motorcycle but I love coasting down these hills. I only hate it when I have to come back up them.

But yeah, you gotta be careful. You can’t always stop in a split second if need be, and if you hit something at just 10 MPH or even less, you could be seriously hurt. Hell, even just starting off when you’re this short can be tricky so I like to start downhill since I gotta step down on the pedal and jump up onto the seat at the same time. I can’t place both feet flat on the ground while sitting on the seat. Only my toes touch the ground when I’m seated.

Anyway, because I was alone and it was dark, I stuck to the circle and made a few rounds as I get more into riding shape. Around midnight I may go out on foot. Definitely going to work my arms and core inside tonight. When I was out there it was such a beautiful night. The temperature was perfect and there was no traffic or anything. Just some bugs and webs I rode into.

The last hour or two before I get ready to read myself to sleep I sometimes get bored because I no longer have the energy to do anything all that constructive but I’m not ready to get into bed. So I sometimes wander through YouTube vids. I was browsing some language vids and came across this woman giving Norwegian lessons. It’s not as ugly or as difficult as German from what I can tell but the letter ø sure sounds goofy as hell, LOL. But I enrolled myself in Duolingo’s Norwegian course and maybe I’ll dabble in it periodically. I’m not going to take the language as seriously as I took Spanish, Italian, German and ASL, though. It’ll be sort of like my Dutch, Esperanto, and Portuguese; a reader language if I study enough of it.

My story is now over 13K words even though I already hit my word count goal.

Carolyn shared a photo of the lake on Facebook and in one of her comments, she was telling someone that one of the best things they ever did was move here almost three years ago. So they do like it here and they don’t plan to move?

MONDAY, APRIL 22, 2019 Even though I slept better last night I’m tired today. Gave Fuzzy a little attention in the morning yesterday but wish I could give him more. As much as I love these animals, I still sometimes regret getting them only because I don’t have the energy to give them as much attention as I’d like. But at least I gave him and the pigs some, and hopefully tonight I will be able to muster up a little more energy so we can run around together. At least I’m able to give them the most important things and that’s food, water, and a decent place to live.

According to Twitter, I’m far from the only one who’s getting fed up with all these fucking planes. The people in Natomas have it worse because they’re closer to the airport. But we’re not and that’s why I still don’t understand why they’ve been flying over us so much. I guess someone in Sacramento is also unhappy because they hearted a tweet I left for somebody else.

The thing is that they obviously don’t give a shit. Never once have I gotten a reply apologizing for the annoyances, saying they’re working on changing things, or anything. Instead, I have been completely ignored which shows how little Sac International cares about the people their racket affects. There’s got to be somewhere else they can go where they’re less bothersome because they were wherever that was before September, after all.

I wish I could rid myself of some things that bother me which I know are totally pointless like who sees my blog. First of all, I’m not doing anything wrong. Second of all, there is nothing on me anywhere that anyone could use against me. I’m not a convicted murderer. I’m not a registered sex offender. I’m not looking to impress anyone. I’m not looking for a job. I’m absolutely positively boringly ordinary other than having a rare birth defect and a rare sleep disorder, but even that can’t be used against me in any way that could directly affect or harm me. So what’s my problem then?

The most “offensive” thing I could ever say in my blog is that I absolutely do not support Muslims in other countries. But it’s not like anyone can come and shoot me for it or arrest me or anything like that so I don’t know why it’s so hard to bring myself to go public and enjoy the fun that goes with that. I used to love being surprised by all kinds of people and comments, both positive and negative. But if anyone in Arizona is watching me, just the thought of them reading that I just brushed my teeth makes me feel horribly exposed and paranoid. Am I just being silly? Or do I have every reason to feel that way? One of the people involved in legally screwing me was a pig so I would think that even if I was 100% private, they could still find out what was going on with me if they really wanted to. They could hack me without my knowledge. If you know how to hack or if you could find out how to as easily as I think the bastard could, then you’re going to pretty much learn everything there is to know about me even if, once again, there really isn’t anything that top-secret or exciting to learn unless the day of my last orgasm counts.

One thing I’m definitely through with when it comes to blogs and stories, private or not, is worrying about people’s fragile little eggshell feelings. I’m tired of looking up names and words to make sure they’re not offensive. While there’s no need to deliberately offend anyone, I’m not responsible for other people’s feelings. I’m just not. So since I’m not the Feelings Police, I would rather just write what I want and allow people the freedom of not reading it if they can’t handle it for some reason. Besides, just because a certain word or name may be okay now doesn’t mean it won’t be deemed offensive later on. Yeah, that’s another thing that drives me crazy is racism being seen in every fucking thing these days. Something’s okay for 5 minutes and then it’s not. Then you’ve got things that have existed for centuries and suddenly they’re a no-no. Really feel like some people are determined to tear down our history and I wonder when we’re going to stop jumping to every beck and call and stop allowing ourselves to be taken advantage of. People do whatever they know they can get away with. As long as people know they can walk on others to get ahead in life or just because they can, they will. So if some people aren’t going to stop whining and complaining about every little thing, perhaps we need to put our foot down at some point soon? Hell, even Steve would be downright ashamed by how so many of his people are carrying on!

I’ll never understand why we live in such a word-sensitive world. If you’re a child who’s young and impressionable, sure. I can see that. But adults should be smart enough to know that words aren’t bullets, knives, swords or torches. I read shit I don’t like all the time and what do I do? I move on. Period. And when I tuned into Beyonce’s Homecoming documentary just to find it’s mostly a black pride/power rant as talented as she otherwise is, I moved on from there as well. Yes, the double standards do still annoy me but I don’t see equality ever becoming a reality. I’m not “proud” of my color because I did nothing to achieve it, but I guess that’s a good thing since, unlike Beyonce, that would be horribly racist of me, right? Is that fair? Absolutely not. But I try not to let it get to me too much since I don’t see change on the horizon anytime soon.

I was doing my own whining the other day to Tom when I bitched about blacks never being happy and all that with the statues we gotta tear down after hundreds of years, and as usual, he seemed bothered that I was bothered, saying that these things don’t affect us directly.

No, but blacks have affected us as we saw in Arizona. Now, I may not be nearly as compassionate, bothered, empathetic, emotional, kind - whatever - as most people are, but what they did to me really changed my outlook on them as a whole. So when I hear them making selfish and or hateful demands and complaints, yes, I do wanna slap them.

I shouldn’t bother him with what bothers me as much because it truly does seem to trigger him a bit. Maybe he doesn’t realize or means to but he does seem to, if not literally defend, play down or excuse some people/things.

Being on 50s may make me tired but at least it’s looking like I won’t have to worry about my weight going up. Despite the drop in cals, it’s not going down either, as I knew it wouldn’t. I would still have to starve myself to lose so I’m glad I’m not as appearance-obsessed as I was at 16.

I’ve been lazing off on my story so I need to get back on with it tonight. It was 87° today so I’m waiting for it to cool down before I go out walking. Then I’ll head out on foot since my bike tires need to be pumped up. Chains and lights need checking, too. The last thing I need is faulty brakes going downhill at 20 MPH and having a skunk or possum dart out in front of me.

Made a chocolate-banana-peanut butter smoothie last night as well as a chickpea and greens smoothie. Today it’s strawberry banana with coconut milk.

LOL, I’m being paged for my waitressing services. Time to go serve up that romaine. :)

Had to look up “vanilla relationship” as my much younger bestie is obviously smarter than me (she used the term). I guess those who have a typical sex life have vanilla relationships. So if you’re into BDSM or you have a cumless hubby, you’re not exactly vanilla. What are you then?

Fuck! The loud car just left. Good thing I slept with the buds cuz they’re probably back to their morning and afternoon visits. It sucks cuz it shows that once again they’ve probably lost or quit their job and have too much time on their hands yet plenty of it to mooch off of mommy & daddy.

Was going to post the above at 7:30, but goofed off on WhatsApp with Aly, then went out for my walk.

Thought the clubhouse closed at 6, but at 8:30, I saw people playing cards at card tables.

Definitely wanna stick to adult communities. No, they’re not peaceful but not only do I wish to escape the almighty freeloading off-brand but the screaming kids I heard, along with their yapping mutt, and this totally obnoxious cricket machine as well. The frog machine I heard further up the road was okay but the way too fast screeching of crickets was annoying as were the planes.

Not only will I never return to the race card games and put myself at risk of becoming a second-time reverse discrimination victim, but I also won’t take back the brats and mutts either. Loud music, blowers, mowers, trimmers, saws, power tools, hammers, motorcycles, loud cars/trucks, projects, roadwork and planes are enough.

SUNDAY, APRIL 21, 2019 Fucking traffic woke me up a few hours after crashing. It’s partly my fault, though, since I didn’t insert my earbud when I crashed.

While I slept, Tom worked in the storeroom and on different things outside. He said a highway patrol car came and went around the circle as if looking for someone. Guess someone got stopped on the freeway and then bailed or something.

Was gonna hang out in the living room tonight but nah. I’m too tired to entertain the rats and I really don’t want to listen to bass booming down the freeway as is more common on warmer nights.

I have my “happy” light on in the bedroom but no energy to work out. I think I’m gonna call it a lazy night since I’m tired due to the sleep disturbance. Took me an hour to fall back asleep. It was probably that loud car that I heard leave (at least I hope it was leaving) just before 8pm. Really hope the bastard doesn’t return to regular visits.

The Twenties returned from wherever they just went for the last week or so and had lots of company but they were quiet. Wouldn’t even know they were there had I not seen them.

So as I said, not doing much tonight. But hey, I deserve a night/day off every now and then, right? This is why I try to work out every day that I can; cuz I know I’m going to have tired days. Really hope I catch up on sleep, though, as I don’t want to take too many nights/days off. Plus, I want energy to clean a bit and play with the furballs.

So glad we’re at this time of year so I can look forward to the next half a year or so of outdoor exercise. Should be done with the rain for about 6 months, too. I think I’ll mostly bike by day and walk by night for variety. I can go out in higher temps on the bike than I can on foot. Some nighttime rides would be nice too, cuz while I can’t see as well, at least there are fewer people in the way at night.

As I was lying by the fan cooling off from yesterday’s power walk, I was thinking about how I was going to take the bedroom curtains with us when we move, but I don’t think I will. We don’t know what windows we’ll have and by then a change will be due anyway. The magenta curtains contrast nicely with the mint green walls but since we won’t be painting the next place and there’s no reason this quilt can’t last for many years to come, I was thinking I’d get curtains that go more with it better than these do. So lavender or medium purple. LOL, yeah, I’m always looking ahead.

I’ll still go with blackout curtains, but instead of shades, I want those wooden shutters. Not wooden blinds like what I hope to get for other windows, but shutters that join in the center when closed. Those should keep it dark for sleeping but make it easier to open and let daytime light in when I want it.

Okaaaay…we may not be able to regulate the world’s insanely loud car stereos so easily, as Tom was explaining since amplifiers are everywhere and all that, but the park can and should ban them right along with the motorcycles. One just went by the bedrooms, bass pounding, and headed down to the other side of the circle. No excuse for that here. This is an adult community. Not the ghettos.

Going through the headlines…bananas may become extinct? I hope not! I have them nearly every day. They’re a great source of energy (usually), potassium and more.

Got the usual people causing the usual trouble. Whiny blacks determined to destroy our history and tear things down that have existed without issue for years. How much longer are we going to give in to their every beck and call and allow ourselves to be taken advantage of?

Also in the news, Muslims being Muslims, this time blowing up churches in Sri Lanka.

SATURDAY, APRIL 20, 2019 “I never wanted that mansion on the hill. I never needed that Cadillac Seville…” sings Marie Osmond in one of her songs.

Well, I’ll take the mansion on a hill, but the Cadillac Seville is now gone. It was taken before I got up. Tom said the guy just drove it onto the ramp, took a couple of minutes to strap it down, and that was it. He thinks it’ll probably be auctioned off to a junkyard for $150 or so. Luxury cars just don’t have the value they used to. That’s how we could get away with driving one for half a decade, older and used or not.

Tom really likes how Candy is so much lighter since gas car engines weigh a lot and make it like you’re carrying a few people around with you at all times.

I think it’s neat how it can sense if someone’s sitting in the passenger seat. If it can’t, it won’t deploy the airbag on that side in the event of an accident, but I’m guessing all cars have this feature now.

Anyway, thank you, Caddy, for freeing up some carport space and for 5 years of fine service till your “bladder” went to hell and your transmission got a little funky. You took hubs to and from work for years and me to a million appointments. Mostly due to that fucking anxiety that I may or may not have found the off switch for.

Still don’t want cutting my meds to be the solution but I also want a solution. Any solution! It’s still way too soon to know if this is it, though. Yes, it makes the most sense but there are things that make me wonder. If 75s was too much for me then why didn’t I have nearly as much anxiety from late August 2017 to early January 2018? And why didn’t I have this particular feeling before December of 2016?

It may be too soon to know anything either way, but I was wrong in thinking the Amberen was the problem, then there was the liothyronine experiment that was a bust, so I guess it’s safe to assume I’m wrong about the dose being the fix and that I’ll get “stabbed” with adrenaline within a month or two. At least when I find out I’m wrong it won’t be as disappointing as finding out the Amberen didn’t have anything to do with it. I didn’t need the Amberen but I do need more of this medication.

Didn’t go out walking yesterday but went in the late afternoon today before the gnats could take over. The sun was a little blinding depending on what direction I was facing but no one stopped me along the way. I power walked for 23 minutes. The temperature was perfect too.

The planes were surprisingly and wonderfully quiet last night but they’re back to being an annoyance as I figured they would be. So I have the air cleaner drowning some of it out until after midnight. Don’t know why I can’t just get used to them once and for all. Been going on since September.

Big mistake going to KFC today for a cod basket. Oh, the food was delicious. Well, the fries weren’t as crispy as I’d like but it was good overall. But stupid because it’s so unhealthy. The fries aren’t good for my LS and after I ate everything, plus a mini cake, I was so tired. Just when I’ve been feeling so good since getting my NutriBlender, too! My mood has improved tremendously and so have my energy levels since turning much of my diet into smoothies. So, big mistake as good as it was and definitely not one I’m going to make again. KFC service is pretty hit-or-miss anyway. I’m surprised there were any workers from here since these types of places usually hire foreigners and illegals who don’t know much English.

Anyway, I later made a smoothie with a banana, blueberries, raspberries, mixed spring greens, and coconut milk and that perked me up enough to go out on my walk.

Maliheh was in my dreams last night. We were both single and I was suggesting we get married for insurance reasons much like in my book, even though we didn’t seem to have an interest in each other.

Ugh, the thought of that sends chills down my spine! I’m so sorry I ever wasted a moment talking to that heartless bitch. If I was single and she came begging to be my girlfriend, I would never consider any kind of a relationship with her whatsoever. From now on I don’t forgive or forget. You dump me (be it for a reason you share with me or by ghosting me), I will never again try to change your mind or let you change mine and it won’t matter how much history we may have either. I’d rather miss the good times than be sucked into what may very well be the same old shit all over again like with Andy. I’ll always love and miss him, but I never liked him, and with him being who is and set in his ways, I don’t see how I ever could.

FRIDAY, APRIL 19, 2019 I hope I’m not making any dieters hungry with my smoothie obsession. I’m not dieting myself but I’m doing my best to keep from gaining, something I still have control over. :)

Wednesday’s smoothie had avocado, spinach and kale. Yesterday’s had bananas with peanut butter and honey. So far I’ve enjoyed everything I’ve made. :)

He made one with milk, ice cream, semi-sweet chocolate chips, and caramel.

Later I’m going to make a Cake Batter Smoothie with yogurt and yellow cake mix.

Ordered a set of 12 colorful plastic cups in 3 different sizes and 4 colors for my smoothie craze, plus a colorful set of 5 lidded ice cube trays.

Pawandeep has lost 10 pounds since going to 75s but she’s young so this doesn’t surprise me.

Spent nearly an hour taking care of the animals. I put liners in the pigs’ cage and the rats’ upper level. Downstairs they have regular paper bedding. Pigs and Fuzz played happily in the pen while I worked.

Going to wait till it’s just about dark before I go out walking. It’ll be cooler then and then I won’t have to worry about those damn flying things that come out at twilight. I guess they’re gnats. Looking forward to hitting the 90s next week! This will help make the pool comfy. Once we stop getting below 60° at night it should be nice since the pool is solar heated.

Got over 10K words for my NaNo project and should get close to my goal tonight!

Nice to know my floral flats that aren’t very comfy won’t go to waste now that they’re on Suki.

THURSDAY, APRIL 18, 2019 OMG, would you stop spying on me, Aly?! sighs with frustration First, she’s nosing into my PB books from different accounts, then she found another account that I haven’t been using. Fortunately, there was only 1 entry but it contained things I’d rather not share with her. So I’m annoyed, a bit embarrassed and puzzled. What is she looking for???

Could be that she stumbled upon it by accident, looking for someone else or just random browsing, but I highly doubt that. Here’s an account I haven’t used in nearly a year, no one I know of has checked it out, but she does? That can’t be a coincidence.

But why is she trying to find accounts I haven’t told her about? Is she hoping to learn things about me she doesn’t already know? Is she just that curious? Or is it something else?

Even though I’m sure she’s heard all my Bubbly posts, I deleted those just in case. I just wish she’d give me some privacy! Just because something’s public doesn’t mean you should be nosing into it if you weren’t told about it or invited. It’s like reading tweets to other people. While we all do it at times and it’s hard to resist temptation, we shouldn’t be observing other people’s conversations.

Sunset is at 7:45 and that’s when I’ll go out for a walk since it’s a little warm now. I’m sure I’ll get stopped but it will be nice to get fresh air. It’s slightly warm in the sunlight so I would like to wait. I always prefer early morning, evening or late night walks anyway when it’s likely to be more peaceful. Walking by mowers, blowers, and trimmers blaring away doesn’t exactly make for a very peaceful walk.

Saturday, the Caddy will be out of the way and then I can maneuver the bike in and out easier. In the warmer temps, I need to be on the bike where it’s “windy,” given that I’m going 8-20 miles an hour. Love flying down those hills! I just hate coming back up them, LOL. Florida would definitely be easier for bike riding but then I’ll have to deal with humidity.

Thought about going back to the clubhouse when I’m up during the mornings for their aerobics class but decided against it for a few reasons. Aerobics is just okay and I’m not a big fan of it. I’m not a social butterfly. I hate doing it to the same shitty music all the time. I also prefer to go at my own pace and be able to stop if I need to pee or something, so that’s why I prefer working out solo or with Tom.

Tested out his game which he’s trying out on different devices to see how it looks and it’s looking good so far, but with limited time it will probably still be a while before it’s in the App Store. He wants to add some animations and stuff like that.

10 days of being anxiety-free have been wonderful even though I’m definitely more tired, colder and sleeping longer on the lower dose. Or maybe not. As Tom said, it’s too soon to really say. I sometimes sleep for longer than 8 hours.

Do I think this is the cure for my anxiety even though it’s still way too soon to know for sure? Well, this makes the most sense out of anything as of yet seeing that I didn’t have any problems on 50s. But it’s still hard to believe I’ll ever figure out a solution that will stop it just like that. I still worry that it will either go away on its own someday for no apparent reason or I’ll be stuck with it forever tormenting me on and off. I’d love to have suddenly stumbled upon a solution after years of suffering but I would have some real mixed emotions about it being a dosage cut as no one wants the answer to be skimping on medication their body needs otherwise. So unless there’s anything up there that actually wants me to be hypo, I don’t believe anything until and if I see it for at least half a year. If I made it to August anxiety-free, I would then see my first real glimmer of light. By September I would start getting a little giddy with excitement and by October I would be absolutely ecstatic and no doubt going ballistic with tears of joy and relief, even though it would be too bad I couldn’t get my numbers close to where they should be without suffering. But if it does turn out to be a dosage issue; just because 75s make me anxious now doesn’t mean they always will. They did stop giving me serious side effects after all when I stopped in late 2014 and then returned to it in early 2015. Maybe once I’m postmenopausal I can handle it. It’s too soon to say anything for sure.

I had suspected I went hypo somewhere around 2010, but when I think about it I wonder if it could go as far back as the early 2000s. I know some people are naturally more sensitive to temperature than others, but when I remember how I would get such cold hands and feet during the winters in Maricopa, I assumed it was because I wasn’t used to cold weather, but maybe that wasn’t it. I also remember how utterly freezing my first winter in Oregon was and that makes me wonder as well. After all, with few exceptions, I haven’t been able to lose weight since I was 36 which would go with that timeframe.

With my metabolism forced to be even slower and me not getting any younger, I’ve really got to watch the calories as hard as it is. I want to start walking 1-2 hours a day even if I break it up into chunks and keep my calories between 1200-1500.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 17, 2019 Got up at 7:30, took my meds, and lay in bed another hour. Didn’t sleep as long last night so I’m tired today. The smoothie I made gave me a boost of energy but I’m still a bit tired.

Yesterday I made a single-serve smoothie with a banana, milk and granola. Today’s double-serving smoothie consists of a banana, mangoes, kale and almond milk. Yesterday’s was delicious. Today’s is refreshing.

My goal is to eventually weed meats and prepared stuff out of my diet 6 days a week and just make that a weekend treat.

Walked down to the lake around 9:30 and gave the ducks the rest of the old bread. It was in the low 60s and I could’ve used a hat since the sun was kind of warm on my head. Also, no sleeves or more wind would’ve been nice but I wore my rat tee and there was only a 3MPH breeze. Didn’t take my music with me due to the daily landscaping noise.

Not liking that there have been more vehicles at Miss Footless’s house. Looks like they’re working on something in front. sighs Another project junkie. How much more work could her place possibly need? Definitely not sure I like living with those with money.

Gave some attention to the animals earlier. Fuzzy’s as adorable as ever while Woody is still shy and getting destructive, too. He’s been chewing the liner and pillowcase I use to line the top shelf.

TUESDAY, APRIL 16, 2019 Today was the second day in a row that I had good energy and no lightheadedness. This could either mean that the lower dose had nothing to do with the fatigue I was having or my body has adapted to the lower dose. No way to say for sure which one is the case. I’m just glad I feel better and have more energy so I can do things!

Tom and I went on a quick walk after work. When I was in the worst of the perimenopause I couldn’t stand to be in the direct sunlight even if it wasn’t that hot. Yet I walked and jogged in 60-degree weather and bright sunlight and was fine even though I wouldn’t want to do it for a long time. I have a feeling it would be harder on a higher dose. This medication definitely does seem to make you sensitive to heat the more you take it.

Today’s smoothie was made with one banana, half a cup of milk, and a quarter cup of granola. It was yummy!

Been thinking about how so much of life usually isn’t what we plan it to be, after discussing this with Aly. There are a few things I planned, wanted, hoped and tried for that I ended up being glad I never achieved. Back when I was really into singing, had I made it big I would have loved the fortune but hated the fame. Had I had a child as I considered for a while, I would have hated the chaos and lack of freedom. I’m also glad I didn’t get my so-called dream woman because she was always just that…a dream. No one can replace or compare to Tom, anyway.

But there are still some things I wish I could do that I know I never will. I miss so much of the old me. I don’t miss the naive, immature, emotional side of me, but I miss a lot of my old physical aspects. I want to wake up with perfect vision and stay that way. I want a normal metabolism so the choice of whether or not to keep the extra weight or lose it could at least be up to me. I miss my old libido. I miss not having to dye my hair. I miss my old skin. Hell, I even miss my old bladder and dread the day it starts leaking!

I wish we could move to Maui and into a quiet place that we could never afford and that doesn’t even exist since it’s pretty much noisy everywhere unless you’re out in the middle of the Arctic or something like that.

Everyone was alive again in my dreams last night from my grandparents to my parents to my brother to Jim Rome. In the dream where my parents were alive, I went over to their house with Fuzzy. Only dad was home at the time and I let Fuzzy run around loose. Dad was saying Mom would freak out when she got home and I said, “Maybe she’ll like him when she sees the cute things he does.”

Then I was talking to Jim and it seemed that my parents and Charlotte were dead. We had a pleasant and intelligent conversation about life in general. He sat in a plush chair, disabled for the most part. I think he said he had muscular dystrophy. He was very easygoing and nice to chat with and I said it was a bit hard to believe he was friends with my mom since he was so nice and mellow and my mother could be a controlling bitch.

The subject of my studying languages came up and he seemed surprised about it. At first, I was surprised no one mentioned this since it was so much a part of my life and my interests but then I realized that my mom wasn’t usually in the habit of discussing my interests with others unless it was something she herself could relate to.

Then a younger woman came to join us in our discussion and was talking about her job. She and Jim were laughing about her interesting job title, but I don’t remember what it was.

Then I walked out of my grandparents’ living room and into their garage. The garage door was open and I stepped out into the rain and walked down to my parents’ house. I didn’t see them or Tammy in the dream but I knew my brother was asleep in one of the bedrooms. I was carrying a pizza box down the hallway when I spotted a spider on his door. I crushed it with the box, careful not to wake him.

Then I was holding an old 45 in the shape of a cutout of a woman in a fancy dress. The entire image was overlaid in an orangy pink color. I thought about how I didn’t really like the song on it very much and wondered why I bothered to buy it.

Then I was tiptoeing through a rocky river. Larry might have been in that dream.

Lastly, I was in some kind of dance or aerobics class. A younger girl there had a sports bra and shorts on. The front part of the shorts was nothing but a thin mesh and you could easily see the front of her bikini panties through it, something a friend of hers was quick to point out.

Happy 38th birthday to Aly! Hope she has a good one (on the 17th), though I’m not liking the fact that she’s been “spying” on me. Just what is it she’s looking for? To compare what I share with others with what I share with her? To see my comments? Why is she so curious about me anyway? Unless it’s a site I don’t tell her about, I pretty much can’t write anywhere else and get some privacy from those I actually know, which I’d kind of prefer every once in a while so I can be a bit more open. The more I share with strangers, the less I have to worry about hurting people’s feelings. In general, I don’t give a shit about people’s feelings, but I don’t want to unnecessarily offend any of my friends so that’s why I try to keep things separate since I sometimes include things they wouldn’t like or agree with. But she makes this a little hard to do when she’s peeking in on me here, there and everywhere.

MONDAY, APRIL 15, 2019 Got up at 7 and took my meds. Was so tired that I slept another couple of hours. Not too fatigued today…so far. Definitely didn’t sleep well last night as I woke up a million times. Hot flashing, needing to pee, just because…

All I remember for dreams is something about going to some kind of camp or activities resort and being pissed that I had to miss out during the daytime on things because I couldn’t get up before late afternoon.

The Caddy will be picked up on Saturday.

Used up a bale of bedding on the pigs. Yes, this is easiest but I’ll probably just work harder and save money by returning to liners. Just gotta fight with the hay a bit. They also do kick some bedding out so liners will keep the floors a bit cleaner.

A certain pesky little rat just had to jump into the hay holder while I was trying to fill it and then climb shelves that are a no-no. LOL, this rat gets around, alright. One minute he’s one place, the next he’s on the back of the couch trying to jump onto the treadmill tray.

My NutriBlast blender arrived yesterday and I love it! In the large cup, I made a blueberry banana smoothie with the blades that sort of forms a plus sign, and he made one of his breakfast shakes in a smaller cup with the other blade.

Read up on the dos and don’ts of the blender and various recipe ideas as well as the benefits of different greens, fruits and nuts. All of them do great things…fight various types of cancer, protect the heart, lower BP, lower cholesterol and so much more. Not one of them said, “But it could be bad because…” or “The only negs are…”

They basically say to go with 50% leafy greens, 50% fruit (of any and all kinds) and a 1/4 cup boost (nuts). No more than 25% of everything added should consist of ice if you’re going to use it. They say the more fruit varieties you add, the more benefits you get, plus you need to add a liquid of some kind.

Also, you should buy organic if the fruit has no skin like bananas and oranges do. Bananas will last longer if you refrigerate them and they can be peeled and frozen too, as I read.

Just made a smoothie with half a cup of blueberries, one large romaine leaf, a quarter cup of milk and a quarter cup of granola. Not bad. Even the calories of healthy stuff can add up, though, so I try to use half-servings.

Was thinking about this protected class bullshit we have, and well, most of it is just that…bullshit. I can totally see protecting children, the disabled and the elderly, but why should you deserve more protection based on either your occupation or your color? If you kick my ass you shouldn’t be excused or get any kind of breaks just because you may be a doctor or a lawyer or a cop or maybe because your skin is darker than mine. You should get the same punishment a white accountant, housekeeper or painter should get. I hate it when people are excused or given breaks for the wrong reasons!

SUNDAY, APRIL 14, 2019 I’m continuing to battle intermittent fatigue but determined to stick to 50s and find out for once and for all if in fact my anxiety is a dosage issue or not. It’s frustrating and gets in the way of life, yes, but anything is better than anxiety.

Tom trimmed the grassy weeds around the place today and yesterday. He’s determined to keep up on the outside more often. The carport and patio need power hosing, too.

Because the price of scrap is down right now, no junkyard is interested in buying the Caddy from us so we’re going to be donating it to this place that will auction it off. They’re to be calling back to schedule a time to pick it up.

Here’s the best news of all. In going through the file box in search of the Caddy’s title, he came across a receipt from the previous owners and it turns out that the roof was replaced 15 years ago! That’s fantastic to know because that’s one less large expense we have to deal with. :-) Explains why I could never “see” us doing it, too.

Yesterday we went to the dollar store so I could get a variety of air fresheners for cheap and I got four fragrances. Rose, vanilla, papaya-mango, and waterfall.

I also got bath gloves, a couple of bottles of neon nail polish (pink and green), some candy, gum, and a sheet of pink rhinestone stickers which I decorated the base of the pigs’ cage with and the center of the rats’ cage as well.

After that, we checked out Georgia’s Treasures, a place I’ve been curious about for a while, but nothing appealed to me there.

Another thing I’m excited about could be here any time now and that’s my new $50 blender. I decided last night that I wanted one because I think it would be a great way to replace my second meal with smoothies. The idea is to replace meals with fruits and veggies so I don’t get as much sodium, and this way I’m not having salty or sugary snacks either. Depending on the ingredients, you can make these things as unhealthy as they are healthy from what research I’ve done on allrecipes.com, so I definitely won’t be adding too many extras to the basics. Will have to pick up more ingredients to try different things and I’ve joined the site to get some ideas. I have bananas, blueberries and milk in stock so I can make a basic smoothie from that. It should be fun experimenting with different things. :-)

The blender will come with 2 small cups and 1 large one, plus a couple of different blades. I like how you can blend the stuff right in the cup you’re going to drink it out of. Plus, they have lids if you don’t finish it all at once. :-)

If I don’t lose weight and have to “cut my losses,” so to speak by just continuing to keep my weight where it’s at, that’s fine. I trust my body wouldn’t carry the extra weight if it didn’t feel it needed it. But if I do lose some, that’s fine, too. When I’m not looking things up or actually eating, I try to keep food out of sight and out of mind. For most folks, thinking often equals hunger which often equals extra stuff we don’t need.

Managed to reinstall Ask on my phone but I just put the site on my desktop rather than bothered with the app because I wasn’t impressed with the app at all.

Aly lost her phone so we’ve been doing regular texting until she either finds it or gets a new phone.

It turns out that Cam’s brother not only caught 10 mice at once with glue boards (that’s way more than the three we caught in the trailer at once), but other neighbors are experiencing the same problem.

SATURDAY, APRIL 13, 2019 Woke up early cuz I crashed early and I’m definitely not as awake as I was yesterday. Since the return of my anxiety is inevitable anyway, it might as well just come and get me so I can go back to 75s and have more energy. But how can 50s leave me this tired? Did I just get that used to 75s or what? I wasn’t this tired before I went on medication so I don’t know what to think. All I know is that I need to finally find out if it’s a dose issue or not. Again, I’d LOVE to find a solution to what’s been making me anxious like yesterday. But I also don’t want it to be caused by something my body otherwise needs.

My first thought is that it’s gotta be the dose that was making me anxious since it didn’t start till I went up to 75s. Then I tell myself nothing’s that easy for me and I couldn’t get that lucky as to have it be a simple dosage issue. But then finding it’s caused by something you need isn’t exactly “lucky” and as anyone who knows me knows, I’ve never really been a lucky person to begin with. For now, here’s to hoping a second cup of coffee gives me some energy!

Still have that strange dizziness, but it’s mostly only noticeable when I move my head. Better do my ears before my shower just in case that’s it.

Marie’s back and Aly asked if she was the only one I shared everything with, like a full picture, and mentioned Kim being back to blogging and wondering if I share everything with her or not.

So she discovered I blocked her on PB? Wonder if she’ll create a new account there?

Last night I dreamed that Palma was a street cop. She was cruising around with some blond chick and eventually killed a pedestrian in a high-speed chase.

I later heard her on the phone saying, “This is for (names her partner) too?” Then I learned she was being informed that charges were to be brought against her and her partner.

Then later still, I was in a giant factory that made manufactured homes. I was thinking that when I could get a word with Palma I would suggest she leave her hair down in court since she looked mean, LOL.

So I finally caught her as I was walking through a partially finished model of a small home. I called out to her and she said, “Oh, hi Jodi. What’s up?”

I stepped off the model’s floor and stooped down to pick up a handful of white ankle socks on the floor. I began to speak, coughed and said, “My asthma’s been acting up.”

Then I woke up as I was suggesting she leave her hair down so her dark distinct features would appear less intimidating.

FRIDAY, APRIL 12, 2019 Skimmed through the end of 2017 again, and while it’s true that I had no major anxiety at the end of the year, I did have half a dozen or so borderline days. As exhausted as I have been (although today I have more energy than I’ve had in several days), I’m going to keep going with the lower dose. We know it’s not the meds themselves, but this is the only way I can find out if it’s the dose or not. Assuming I’ll get anxious again sooner or later, that’s when I’ll return to 75s and hope it’s just hormonal and not a permanent condition I’ve been hit with. As much as I’ve been dying to find a solution for years now, I almost don’t want it to be the dosage since 50s is too low for me. Sure would be the simplest solution, though. Only time will tell for sure either way. Do I think it’s the dose? Well, my problems didn’t start till after it was raised, so that makes me think it could be. But nothing’s that easy for me either, so I doubt it is.

The loud car visited Wednesday and Thursday but not today. Disappointed but not surprised. This kid’s incredibly glued to his enabling parents that I knew something had to have happened to keep him away for the time he wasn’t coming around and that it was beyond his control. If it were up to him he’d still be living here, probably for the rest of his parents’ lives. Wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if he shared a dumpy apartment with a few people and they were paying his expenses.

When I was coming back from my jog down to the lake and back, I noticed something big parked 4 houses down in the back. Some guy’s having a bunch of plants butchered. Thought I’d hear at least something even though it’s behind the houses but haven’t heard much yet. It’s going to be maddening when Lawrence has the front of his place done. I just hope I’m awake!

When are the bulk collectors going to pick up the trash? They were supposed to do this on the 10th.

Half of the regular trash got stuck and didn’t make it out. :( I caught the guy on the way back out and tossed in a bunch of plastic wrapping that came with the cage but there’s still enough other shit in the bin.

I think I will go with bedding for the pigs, after all. It’s just so much easier to deal with and the 4 of them are enough work as it is. I can take a bale and use about half of it to fill the whole cage. Then I can use up the rest of the bail doing partials which basically means replacing the ends of the cage. This will mean going through a bale every 2 weeks rather than 1.

It was cute watching Fuzzy try to get in the pigs’ cage. They were all nose to nose between the bars of the cage and the pigs weren’t distressed. That would change, of course, if I let Fuzzy in there.

Aly and I have been getting some questions from some people which we’re wondering the identity of. Apparently, I’m not the only one agreeing that while she may be great as a nanny, it may be too much for her to care for a child every single day. Still, I support her as her friend.

I’m not getting any shit, but I’m getting questions from someone that seems to know me or at least thinks they know me fairly well enough. I can only guess it’s someone on PB. These are questions that don’t seem like Kim would ask any more than family and former friends would ask. If Aly’s telling the truth about not asking me about fruity soda versus fruity water because they didn’t think I was a soda drinker, I can’t help but wonder who didn’t think I was. To say they didn’t think I was suggests they know at least some things about me.

You know, when I really sit and think about just how fucked up people are in general, it’s scary. I mean it’s downright scary. People are just so fucking cruel and crazy that it can be truly frightening to know that I have to live in a world like this every day.

Now Ohio has practically banned abortion and I’m just so sad for women in general because as unconstitutional as this is, I really do see at least most of the U.S. banning abortion eventually despite the fact that it’s not even murder and most of society seems to think a woman should focus only on careers and not family rather than being able to make up her own damn mind as to how she wants to live her own life.

Then Texas is supposedly proposing a bill making women who seek abortions eligible for the death penalty.

Reels with shock and confusion So let me get this straight…because you’re so pro-life and living and all that crap, you want to kill her instead or kill her as well? rolls eyes Only a state as fucked as Texas would come up with something this crazy but you know what? What really scares me is that the world and the laws are so damn crazy that it wouldn’t surprise me if one of these days something that insane really did come into effect.

Kill your fetus and we’ll make it a supposed double homicide by killing you too. Brilliant. Yeah, that’s the world I gotta live in.

Also, watching true crime docs never ceases to sicken and amaze me how sexual predators are released to do the same thing over and over again. Show me a case where this only happened once and these perverts didn’t re-offend once they were let go. Show me. Seriously, I’m 100% completely baffled as to why sex offenders aren’t either killed or locked up forever. They absolutely cannot be rehabilitated or changed any more than you can make straights gay or gays straight.

But people want to kill those who want to abort their unwanted fetuses? Really, what the fuck is wrong with people? Just what the fuck is wrong with this world that’s got so many things so twisted and backward? Kill the woman that dares to decide her own fate, but free the rapist?

OMG, I am never having sugar-free candy again! If I hadn’t lost my fucking memory I would have remembered just what it did to my stomach the last time I had it.

Tom figured out why Suki’s leg was all screwed up. One of her knees was bent in the wrong direction. I have no idea how it got that way but he realized that it wasn’t that they put a rotating joint in the knee but that it was the thigh joint that was twisted. Duh! Why didn’t I think of this myself?

Definitely ready for the weekend. Getting rid of the Caddy and going to some stores. Plus, we’re going to do some minor home repairs.

I had a couple of dreams about Kathleen and I wonder if it means I crossed her mind or she might actually call, but I would be willing to bet just about anything that I’ll never hear from her again. She’s had plenty of opportunities to contact me in the past yet she’s clearly not interested in being friends. She also never gave me her contact info when she asked for mine.

Regardless, I don’t remember what one of the dreams was about but in the other dream, I ran into her somewhere. She gave me a hug and then whispered something in my ear. At first I didn’t hear her and I had her repeat herself.

“Do you ever dream of me?” she asked.

“As a matter of fact, yes,” I said. “You were in my dreams last night.”

Then I had a dream that Nane might have been in. She had just come home from work. I don’t know what I was doing in her place but I said I would leave because I figured she would want to unwind alone and she said she didn’t want or need that or something to that effect.

In the last dream, I was in my forties and Tom and I were considering having me artificially inseminated.

But then we decided that since my body and health just isn’t what it used to be, we might foster an older child.

Tom said something about that being a possibility in 10 years and I said, “That’s what I was thinking. Someone who will be young enough to take care of us in the end if we need it.”

But then we scrapped that idea as well when we realized that in another decade we would both be getting kind of old. LOL

THURSDAY, APRIL 11, 2019 The loud car stuck around for 3 hours yesterday. If it came in later on, I don’t know.

I crashed at 5:30 the last two evenings and both times I was woken up an hour by something loud going by though I don’t know what it was. When I finally got up for good, all I remembered were bits and pieces of nonsensical dreams that I find hard to put into words, even as a writer.

Although I’m a bit dizzy, especially when I move my head, I’m definitely not as fatigued as I was yesterday. Yesterday I never could wake the hell up. It was so frustrating! I felt like something was trying to force me to choose between cutting my dosage and being exhausted (if there’s a connection there) and taking a full dose and being anxious.

It would be both good and bad if the dose cut turned out to solve my anxiety issues. Of course it would be good for obvious reasons and it would certainly be a simple solution… Just take a lower dose. That much would be easy. But I would really prefer to be able to take closer to what my body really needs.

In the end, I’m sure that being able to tell Dr. A when I see her on September 20th that the answer was in my dosage and that I’ve broken records as far as how long I’ve gone without anxiety is just a fantasy and that it’s going to get me again soon enough. A part of me wishes it would do it right now so I could just rule out the meds altogether and just go back to 75s where I have more energy. I still don’t know that the fatigue is completely tied into the dose anyway. Yes, I’m older now but why wasn’t I this fatigue before I was diagnosed? So I don’t think it’s all about the dose. I think it’s a combination of things. Thyroid, hormones, age, whatever.

I was able to go out walking, even if I only did 10 minutes. I saw the planes have been annoying me in the early mornings since last September. The sun had yet to rise but there was just enough light to see the two that headed east. They were definitely commercial airplanes that had taken off rather than preparing to land just as I suspected all along. Can’t say how high up they were but I’m guessing about 2000 feet. I could just make out the engine placement.

I’m definitely able to be more productive today even if I’m not exactly bursting with energy. I worked on my NaNo project. There’s no way I won’t nail my word count goal in plenty of time, so I can afford to skip a day here and there.

Tom now has a week and a half of days off accumulated and since our next anniversary is a big one being that it will be 25 years, he’s going to take some time off then. Not necessarily a whole week but since it falls on a weekend, maybe he’ll take a long weekend. Since he can control his schedule much easier than I can, he’ll match my schedule no matter what it is. I don’t know what we’re going to do at that time since it’s still a ways away.

I finished dusting the living room while Fuzzy tried hopelessly to break into the pigs’ cage while they remained hidden in their burrow. Those three-pound cowards absolutely must hide from that one-pound nightmare, hahaha.

Rockefeller’s so funny because he goes off when he hears Tom pull in. I was down in the bedroom which is far from where he pulls in. But Rockefeller is right by that wall, so even though I couldn’t hear him pull in, I knew when he did because Rockefeller let me know it.

Just wish I was healthier so I could devote more time to these furballs.

Found Aly’s account after forgetting the username when combing through comments I’d received and then I blocked it. Sooner or later I know she’s going to notice but hopefully, she’ll think it’s a glitch or something.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 10, 2019 And the inevitable return of the loud car after a much too short break is… NOW. :( :( :(

Figured the driver hadn’t killed himself or been thrown in jail. Just gotta hope I get another break soon and that we don’t go back to having to hear the punk twice a day.

I managed to perk up yesterday but today I’ve been tired all day. It’s taken nearly half a day to get enough energy to do today’s cleaning. Don’t see myself mustering up enough energy to work out, though. I tended to the animals and now I’m pretty much going to do digital work for the remainder of my day. And have some crab rangoons which I haven’t had in a while.

Regular bedding is definitely the easiest when it comes to the pigs. Very easy to scoop out and dump in. But that would be a bit expensive so I’ll return to liners. Maybe there won’t be as much hay stuck to them because having the outside holder is definitely a lot less messy than the inside holder. The only thing that frustrates me is when I see Rockefeller pull a piece out and drop it on the floor instead of eating it. What, are not all pieces of hay the same?

Got groceries yesterday from Safeway and they had everything in stock. They’re definitely a lot more reliable than Walmart so since I’m sick of them being out of so many things and the tip-begging, we’ll use Safeway for now even if they’re more expensive.

Why do people always have to put celery in tuna salad? You don’t have to put celery in tuna salad any more than you have to look like a guy because you’re a lesbian. :-) Really, what’s the connection?

Back to the fatigue. I don’t know what to think. I’ve battled with it on and off for the last few years and as Tom pointed out, I seem to have it whether I skip pills, cut them, or take full doses. It wouldn’t surprise me if some of it was connected to that but if my only two choices in life are being anxious or tired, I’ll take tired.

Got rid of the eggplant-colored shag rug we had in the kitchen for over a year because the Roomba couldn’t vacuum it and neither could I. I would have to go over the same old spots over and over again with the hand vacuum so I decided to return to the ugly floor below. It’s too late in the game to get it right as far as the floors in this place go. I just consider this a practice house. It’s amazing how the floor makes the kitchen seem so much brighter all of a sudden since it’s a lot lighter than the carpet was. It’s to be picked up today when the bulk trash collectors get here.

TUESDAY, APRIL 9, 2019 I never could get myself to wake up yesterday. I was exhausted all day and had to really push through to get everything done that I wanted to.

Today I’m tired as well but not quite as tired since I slept better. Still calm but definitely a little more hypo and that could be what’s causing some of my fatigue. My skin is a little dryer and I sometimes get cold even when it’s 74 degrees in here. I’d rather fatigue than anxiety but it sure would be nice to have nothing at all for once! If by some miracle reducing my dose is the answer to stopping the anxiety, I should adapt. I wasn’t this tired when my TSH was in the 30s (it can’t be over 20) because that’s what I was used to. That’s why it was such a shock to my system when I was suddenly flooded with more thyroid.

It would be wonderful and awful if it turned out that my anxiety has been a dose issue. It would suck since I need the damn medication and that would leave me to wonder if most of it really was on hormonal changes, or worse, a condition I acquired that’s not going away.

But a dose issue would be too easy and nothing is that easy for me in life, so I’m sure the anxiety will return. It’s just a matter of whether or not it takes 4 or 5 days or 4 or 5 weeks.

There was a missed call from the Behavioral Health Department and since I doubt it was Stacey calling to say hi, I’m thinking it was the shrink with an early opening. The problem with that is that had I been around and answered they probably would have told me to come in that day or the next day which wouldn’t leave Tom enough time to take off to get me there.

Spent what seemed like forever with the animals yesterday. I honestly don’t remember guinea pigs being this much work. But then I was a lot younger, healthier and less fatigued the last time I had them. I just get tired of being their slave at times! I’m still not sure what type of bedding would be best to use for them. I’m trying to make it easier for me, less smelly, and less costly. Since we’re not rich, I would rather save money and work harder if need be. Still, I want to enjoy them more than I work for them!

I’ll probably use disposables for the rats and I guess I’ll go back to liners for the pigs because I don’t think the few short pieces of hay and shed fur will clog the washer since it breaks down in the water. Also, by the time I pull it out of the dryer, it looks brand new anyway. I also don’t think bedding is going to be any easier. They’d still need to be changed twice a week, although the second time may only require a partial change. So disposables for the rats, but I don’t know yet for the pigs. I put regular bedding in yesterday so we’ll see how it is tomorrow. I change liners every other day so if I have to do the same for the bedding, then the liners are the better deal.

Lost just over a pound so far after two days of dieting but I’m already so sick of it that I’m tempted once again to just be myself even if I would be healthier if I lost at least a little. I hate being hungry and I know that unless I damn near starve myself and walk a few hours a day, I’m not going to lose much more than another 2 or 3 lb. You can’t just cut back or “be a little more active” with thyroid disease.

Gotta catch up on NaNo. I wrote yesterday’s chapter but didn’t edit it. So I have one to write and two to edit. Doubt I’ll raise my goal count any higher. I’ll leave it at 12k, though I expect the story to hit at least 20k when it’s done.

Also gotta clean the master suite. When Roomba’s vacuuming for me, I’ll hang out in the living room while Fuzzy runs around. He was funny earlier when he climbed on Tom and immediately went to work trying to chew one of his earbuds that were dangling from his Hearphones.

Lastly, I want to work my arms and core.

MONDAY, APRIL 8, 2019 I’m tired so far today because I slept shitty. The pill cuts may have something to do with it too, but I kept waking up warm since my body now has to acclimate to the oncoming warmer weather.

Dreamed I weighed myself in kilos and first was 68, then 66. That’s 146 lb. Well, I’m down half a pound at 154, but highly doubt I’ll ever hit 150, let alone 146. Not unless I have a heart attack like Virginia, who Tom says lost a lot of weight when he saw her and Bob sitting out front on his way to pick up the mail. I’ll bet she has!

Wonder if they took her off her thyroid meds or if her weight loss affected how it affects her if they didn’t.

The pigs may be cute but timid, and Woody may also be cute but antisocial, but I sure had fun playing with Fuzzy yesterday. I call him a little copyrat cuz he copies my schedule. Even the fish is doing that now, LOL. Woody’s only let out weekly since he’s not the least bit obedient and rarely returns home on his own. In a cage I could damn near stand in, he’s got plenty of room to run, climb and get enough exercise there, so it’s not like he’s confined to a small space.

But my favorite little Fuzz bud was in and out and interacting with me as well as roaming around. He tries desperately to get into the pigs’ cage but I won’t let them near each other unless it’s out in the open as the pigs are terrified of him even if he weighs a third of what they do. When he last joined them in their burrow, the pigs ran out chattering their teeth.

After breakfast at McD’s, we went to Petco yesterday for fish compatible with bettas but were advised against it, even though I know dwarf frogs can live with them. I got those with fur some chew toys instead.

Gonna switch the pigs out to bedding later and put the fleece liners in the pen but not put it by their door. There’s no way these short-legged, fat-bodied guys could hop up through the door.

The Caddy can now barely run and pisses water like a horse when started. Since Candy’s proving to be very reliable, the Caddy will be off to the junkyard next weekend. Just not worth replacing its transmission, paying for gas, doing oil changes, and all the other shit you gotta do with gas cars. Now, if you like 500-mile road trips or you have a 45-minute drive to work, then a gas car is necessary. But I hate road trips, he doesn’t like to drive, it’s barely a half-hour to his job, so no more gas cars for us!

With summer fast approaching, it will be nice to have more space in the carport for getting the bike in and out.

I’ve got 5325 words in for NaNo, so I’ll be working on that today, working out, cleaning, etc.

SUNDAY, APRIL 7, 2019 Lit some baby powder incense and doubling up on NaNo today since I had a lot to do yesterday and was so tired that I skipped yesterday’s NaNo chapter. Did over 1,600 words tonight.

It’s been a peaceful night but yesterday morning I had to listen to that fucking punk who loves to gun his motorcycle. Still can’t tell where they are but I’m pretty sure they’re just over the wall.

Slept okay and a lot longer since I didn’t sleep as much the night before. Can’t remember much in the way of dreams but what little I barely remember seems to have been pretty neutral as opposed to the usual negative dreams I have.

Still tired, though. The pill cuts? Could be but I’m loving how much calmer I’ve been feeling. Yeah, since yesterday, virtually all traces of anxiety have diminished. If by some miracle it doesn’t return, then it was a dose issue. But when it does I probably won’t quit. If it was the meds themselves, then I’d have been anxious from day one. Not a few months later.

Couldn’t get into Numb3rs so I’m watching Nightmare Next Door instead. It’s just another crime doc. Really wish there were more American shows instead of mostly reality shows, documentaries, and foreign stuff.

Sometimes I find myself thinking of Marie. But do I actually miss her? Not really. She was just too moody for me. This doesn’t mean I don’t care about her, though, and hope she’s finally found her way in life albeit plenty late enough. At her age, I just don’t know, though. Did the bad things that happened to her as a kid permanently break her? Was she born the way she is? Both? I just don’t know. All I know is that I couldn’t take the lovey-dovey mood one minute, then the paranoid, delusional accusations the next.

I guess I’m a hypocrite because even though I just got done swearing I would never diet again since I can never lose more than a few pounds that come right back with my dead metabolism and shitty genetics, I really do gotta try to get down at least 10 lbs. That ain’t much but it definitely makes a huge difference down here at my height. I feel compelled to do it for health issues. It would lower my LDL score and hopefully lower my risk of diabetes as well since it runs in my family. I don’t care about my appearance and how I look to others, though. A person in the supermarket could think I was hideous while a person in the parking lot could think I was average and another thought I was above-average for all I care. All that matters is my comfort and health.

In trying to get the pigs to be a little braver, so when they scream for food and we walk over to the cage with veggies, if they run and hide they don’t get served. They now have to stand there and be served out in the open.

I know I should be more understanding of the fact that they’re wired the way they are but really, the scaredy crap gets old. I really do get tired of having animals that react as if I’m abusive and that are antisocial and prefer to be left alone. If it weren’t for Fuzzy being as affectionate as he is, I just may regret getting these guys. My special little Fuzz bud helps make up for the others’ cowardice.

With Woody, I don’t think it’s so much that he’s scared but would simply prefer not to bother with me. He doesn’t like to be picked up or petted. The pigs will eventually let me hold them without squirming to get away but not without a fight first. Like I said, wired that way or not, it really does get old. This is part of why I might consider a dog when he retires. I want a pet that won’t run when I approach it or fight me when I go to handle it. It’s just that I had always heard they were a lot of work and expensive. That’s not what my buddy says about her dog, though. Other than taking them for walks which I wouldn’t mind because I like to walk anyway, how much work could possibly be involved with a dog as opposed to a guinea pig who is constantly making a mess? I don’t think the cat was even this much work. Tempted to try regular bedding, which we still have, in the pigs’ cage and see how it holds up. It’s just that the hay is so damn hard to shake out of the liners, along with shedded fur. I should be able to scoop it out easily enough with the dustpan. These rats do well with liners so we’d still save a little money in the end and the fleece liners could be used in the pen.

Just got up and served everybody some blueberries and lettuce. The pigs not only let me serve them in the open but ate there as well.

Even Woody’s been a little more curious. He’ll never be like Fuzzy but he almost climbed out onto my shoulder from the upper level of the cage. Don’t know why, but rats like being up high, so they spend most of the time at the top of the cage. They’ll run downstairs to be let out but Woody’s gotten his outside privileges revoked for a while for refusing to go home when ordered to yesterday. I don’t even have to tell Fuzzy, though. He comes and goes and when I want him to stay in for a while, I can simply close his door. But not if Woody’s out. I’ll have to lock him upstairs next time I let Fuzzy run around.

Tom was pissed at himself when he returned from Sam’s yesterday morning and realized he left the bacon that was on sale in the cart.

I was pissed at my own self when I thought of all the doctor’s appointments I’ve had, mostly thanks to the fucking anxiety, since being in this house. It’s ridiculous. Just fucking ridiculous. Most people my age simply don’t go to doctors this much, so from now on, no matter how I feel, I’m determined to stick to the basics. PCP twice a year, ENT once a year, dentist twice a year, eye exam once a year. I’ll pass on the mammogram, pelvic exam and that other gross exam older people are supposed to have. So 6 a year.

As I asked her to, Aly found my my-diary entry easily enough as it had the same title as what I emailed her. Figured she’d find it. Every now and then I’ll post the same content publicly if there’s nothing too personal in it. She gets to read more of the health stuff and things that are more personal and weird.

SATURDAY, APRIL 6, 2019 I’m now watching Numb3rs. Let’s see how many episodes it takes to hear about racism.

Holding off on giving my buddy my link to my my-diary account for now for two reasons. One is that she gets what I share there plus more via email. Two is cuz I want to see if she stumbles upon it accidentally and realizes it’s me. I don’t use full names but I do use real first names, so I would think that between that and what I write about, it should be obvious enough. As I told her, I’m curious as to how easy I am to find and how obvious it is that it’s me.

While I would prefer not to be that easy to find I’ve decided to compromise with myself. I’m not going to cut myself off as much as I had been but I’m not going to make myself stand out like a sore thumb and make things too obvious for certain people either.

The guinea pig cage came and it’s awesome! It too, is huge like the rats’ cage and I could fit in it if I hunched over. The only thing is that you definitely can’t house rats in it unless they’re large. A fat rat like Burke would be suitable but these rats are a little on the small side and I wouldn’t be surprised if they found ways both in and out of the cage. Not sure the pigs are going to like that, LOL, but we’ll see.

The pigs spend most of the time hiding in the burrow but they otherwise seem much happier in this cage. I don’t think they feel threatened by the wider, more open bar spacing.

I’m not sure they can get on top of the burrow where the bowl is. A rabbit, sure, but since I don’t know that they could do it very easily, I placed their regular bowl down on the floor. The bowl is molded into the burrow. It’s actually two plastic pieces. The bowl is set in a mold so you can remove it for easy washing. Well, I took it out and gave it to the rats. The rats now have their tree stump burrow and both levels which they surely appreciate.

I’m trying both the cage’s hay holder as well as one of the ones we got that attach to the cage to see which one makes less of a mess. Things would be a lot easier if it wasn’t for them needing hey, but they do.

It’s a good thing I don’t plan to use the front door of the cage much because it’s horrible the way it’s designed. The two dome roof doors lift up easily enough and I should be able to lift the liner out of the cage from there rather than take the entire cage off of the base. And the pigs too, of course. Decided not to place the pen nearby since I just can’t see them jumping out to hang out there. They really prefer to be more enclosed. They’re really only out in the open when eating or playing.

Since it’s been a while and Woody doesn’t seem as spastic and as disobedient, I let him out today. He and his brother are around here somewhere as I write this. Of course they’ve had fun walking on the top of the pigs’ cage and are getting more playful with each other, too.

FRIDAY, APRIL 5, 2019 It’s been a surprisingly quiet night so far. Other than a faint car stereo and a few planes, most of the background noise I hear is too faint or far to be even remotely annoying.

Tom awoke early so we went out for a walk. So peaceful in the middle of the night. We’re on for rain again tomorrow. I know we really need the rain here but I wish it would stop already. I miss the sunshine which I have to miss out on enough of the time as it is with my schedule.

Applying lotion after my shower while I’m still wet has been making a remarkable difference in making my skin softer and moister. It’s a bit of a hassle because I have to let my skin air dry before I get dressed but definitely worth it.

Amazon is really pissing me off because they keep changing the day the pigs’ cage is supposed to arrive. It was supposed to come Wednesday, then Thursday, yet it still isn’t here.

Saw a headline about a guy in North Carolina who was arrested for abandoning his pet fish when he got evicted. Okay, I can totally see where people would be anti-animal abuse. After all, they do have feelings too. However, there’s something about this that seems a bit extreme. Maybe it’s wrong of me but I think it’s one thing to beat the crap out of a dog or a cat but to arrest someone for abandoning a fish is going a little too far. Hell, people catch, kill and eat fish all the time. I think there are more important things to jail people for but that’s just our twisted justice system’s warped sense of priority for you.

Still not remembering much in the way of dreams. Something about something bad happening in a large hotel I was staying at. I don’t know if it happened in our room or not but it was in one of the hotel rooms. I walked by its open door and found the room totally ransacked.

Not feeling safe, I ran down to the lobby after it seemed to take forever for the cops to arrive. Not sure who called them, but when they finally arrived, half a dozen or so lady detectives were sitting at a couple of card tables chatting. I asked if they were the police and they said yes. Don’t know what happened after that, though.

Anyway, I think I’ll go start the fifth chapter of my NaNo project while my chicken wings are baking.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 3, 2019 Had a horrible, HORRIBLE night last night that it was almost scary. Just horrible anxiety that started early on and wouldn’t let up till the end of my day. It’s really pathetic that no doctor has been able to help stop this shit yet.

Here’s my plan… 6 weeks of 50s if I can stand it. If I’m still getting anxious come mid-May, I quit. If I’m still not better and the shrink can’t help, I’m gone on New Year’s. Enough is eFUCKINGnuff!!!

sighs with sadness, frustration and hopelessness If I just didn’t have this problem then my worst problems besides TMJ and LS would be cold, noise and occasional boredom. Oh, how I miss my old self! I want to go back! I want to go back in time so bad!

I always said the worst things would be being paralyzed or blind but I don’t know about that anymore. If I felt good while being confined to a wheelchair or feeling my way around, that may be the better deal. Having anxiety is like being thrown at random in a human-sized dryer and tortured on and off by viciously being tumbled round and round. You never know when you’re going to get thrown in that dryer or when you can get back out. It’s a shitty way to live!

But here’s the thing…a half-hour after taking my meds yesterday, I became anxious. So naturally one would blame the meds, right? Well, I took it today too, and I’m perfectly fine. I just don’t know what to think anymore. How is it that less than 24 hours ago I felt so miserable and wanted to kill myself whereas now I wouldn’t even know I had this problem if I didn’t know better? Tom still believes it’s mostly hormone-related rather than autoimmune and that it will eventually pass. Wish I could have his optimism but right now I have no reason not to think I’ll be tortured on and off for as long as I let myself live. I guess for now all I can do is enjoy the days when I’m not being attacked and tortured mercilessly by this shit. I’d forgotten about my full-spectrum light so I’m using that again when I’m on nights since I’m not getting much sun and hoping it will help keep me from feeling so bad at night.

I definitely seem to be worse when I’m on nights. It used to not matter but now there is a definite pattern. I’m also back to sleeping shitty but not because of traffic. I just seem to wake up a lot more often when I sleep during the daytime. Sometimes it’s to pee, sometimes it’s just because. I usually am able to go back to sleep, though.

I’m a little tired today but not too bad. I managed to let Fuzzy out for some exercise and change the pigs’ liner and things like that. Looking so forward to their new cage tomorrow!

Just when I thought they’d be stuck at the gate, then leave, someone let them in. The $21 set of rainbow silverware we ordered before he went to work this morning is AWESOME!!! If it holds up well over time I may get a 2nd set and replace all the plain silverware. It’s absolutely beautiful!

Had to watch another video on how to use the corkscrew we got. It’s a bit tricky and I’m not sure it’s worth it. Would rather pay a few more bucks for twist-off tops. Not sure I would notice the brand change if you gave me a glass of Barefoot Merlot and then Oak Leaf’s Merlot.

One of the Indian dolls I got centuries ago came with a decorative “blanket” which I put on top of the fish tank so he doesn’t always have to have bright lights shining down on him since I’ll probably start using my living room desk at night. Gives me variety and more time with the animals. Easier to jump on the treadmill, too.

Saw a fairly recent picture of Gloria, and gross! Just gross. I know I don’t look much better but she has definitely aged. She’s not as bad as Linda but she’s a lot like me.

Her daughter Emily is gay and her parents don’t seem to have a problem with it, which is nice to know. Emily isn’t as good-looking as her mom was but she’s pleasant enough. I would never think she and her girlfriend were gay. They both have long hair.

TUESDAY, APRIL 2, 2019 The Caddy is officially on death row. He runs it once a week in case we need it as a backup and said it barely ran the last time because it was so low on water. But Candy is doing great so Caddy and its busted radiator and failing transmission will be off to the junkyard in June. I would think the junkyard will have a field day picking apart this one. A Cadillac Seville? Goldmine!

The world does nothing but a bitch about climate change and all the things we’re doing to increase pollution and I don’t understand for the life of me why they won’t do something about it and make everything electric. Okay, so we don’t have to go and snatch everybody’s gas car away from them, but stop selling them for God’s sake! There really is no need for them anymore.

Checked in on Ask.

“When are you going to do it?”

The fuck is that supposed to mean??? shrugs Maybe I’ll answer with chapter 3 later on. Or at least what will fit into their character limits.

Although a cramp in my foot, a full bladder, as well as strange dreams I can no longer remember have woken me up a few times, I’m amazed to say that so far this week, traffic hasn’t woken me up. Could be a problem on Friday, though, unless I can use the buds comfortably enough.

Definitely fatigued yesterday, so unless I slept worse than I realize (not having that loud car around makes a huge difference… Until it returns and I have to put another spell on it), it could be the medication skips. Or the fact that I only slept 6 hours.

Had a “cold” spell and very faint traces of anxiety yesterday, but sure enough, as soon as I start 50s today, it’s increased. Still gonna stick it out a while and see how I do. This should tell me in the end of it’s the dose or the meds. Just don’t know why I didn’t have anxiety the first 3.5 months on this shit when I was on the 50s. Guess it goes to show that other factors really are influencing the anxiety as well.

I’m just so tired of this shit. Just so, SO fucking tired of this shit and I can really see myself ending it all at the end of the year if it doesn’t back off when I’m postmenopausal. There are only so many more years of this shit I can take. It’s wearing me down and totally getting in the way of life and my general sense of well-being. I could still quit the meds and get that out of the equation if it is a factor or at least influencing other factors, but first I want to see if I can stick the 50s out a while. I’m just sick of trying to figure this out and how no one seems to be able to help me either. Clearly, if there is anything up there it doesn’t give a shit how I feel or what happens to me.

If hormones don’t settle in or the doctors can’t end this shit this year, I will. That’s my promise to myself no matter who it may hurt in the end that I leave behind. Sometimes we all gotta think of ourselves first and foremost. I promise myself… somehow the anxiety really will be over this year. I just hope I don’t have to kill myself to end it. However, I just don’t see this eventually going away on its own as Tom does. I wish I could believe he was right but each year that I have it, even though I’m not yet postmenopausal, my hopes fade.

This is too weird. In the crime documentary series I’m watching, there’s a detective with long brown hair and brown eyes named Michele M. Well, a character in my book that’s a detective with long brown hair and brown eyes is also named Michelle M but with two L’s.

I now have 1569 words done! And a beautiful metallic rainbow tumbler, too. Just wish it had more pink and purple rather than mostly blue and gold.

The Oak Leaf Merlot I got is corked. Could have sworn it looked like a twist top online. Will have to order a corkscrew then.

Aly and Cam are looking into the requirements for adopting a foster kid and I can’t help but wonder how the hell she’s going to be able to afford that when she’s in debt and makes little money. Cam would have to do most of the supporting. The question is what will happen to the kid when they break up. Also, if she thinks she doesn’t have much free time now, just wait. Still, I hope it works out for them if it’s what they want and that they don’t get too down if it doesn’t since life isn’t usually like a buffet. You can’t just go up and get what you want from it.

They’re to be renting a house for $930 and were told they’re just what the neighborhood was looking for, people with no little kids, who keep to themselves, and are both employed. She didn’t say how big the house was or how many bedrooms or how old it is.

Wish this place was looking for no loud vehicles, visiting or residing!

She doesn’t make much money so I’m guessing Cam’s house is all paid for in order for them to afford to rent and own (though they may rent Cam’s house). Wish we could have run off and rented something to escape the circus next to us in Phoenix!

It’s just so weird, though. I have never heard of a house or building with an unfixable mouse problem. Never.

MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2019 Tomorrow (I would have started today had I not misplaced the GP’s nail clippers) I will be clipping a third of my pills so it’s like I’m taking 50s again. No real anxiety yesterday or as much head pressure. Today my head’s “buzzing” a bit, whatever that means, and I’m a bit tired. Although I miraculously managed to sleep through traffic, I’m probably tired due to the medication skips but maybe not. Sometimes it seems people just get tired. That’s okay. I can lie down as often as I want to throughout the night, including while I’m talk-typing the second chapter of my NaNo project.

Back to the medication. I’m going to see how I do with “turning” my pills into 50s every day. If I do well all the way on up to when it’s getting close to my next trip to the lab, I’ll message Dr. A and tell her I’ve got to go back to 50s regardless of what the numbers will say.

As I was falling asleep, I was racking my brains asking the same question I’ve been asking for years now… What do I do next???

Remembering that I never had a problem during the three and a half months I was on 50s half a decade ago, I figured that was the best place to start would be to go back in time to before I started having problems.

[honestlyfragile]

JUMPSTREET - Mark Lee x Johnny Suh

Pairing: Mark Lee x Fem!Reader, Johnny is Mark’s bestfriend, Mentions of Jaehyun and Yuta

Genre: university!au, police!au, a dash of fluff, smut,crack, fraternity!au

warnings: mild violence, mentions of guns, drugs, sexual themes, language

Summary: Mark and Johnny were partners in crime, but when feelings get in the way, will Mark stick to the law or go against it?

Wc: 15.4k

also posted in Ao3

a/n: I hope you enjoy this story heavily inspired by the 21 & 22 Jumpstreet movie franchise, and hopefully I was able to deliver it with my own ideas. Enjoy!

Mark and Johnny start their first official day as policemen after being together in most of their high school years and studying criminology in college. They could not be more excited to see people make trouble until today.

"Let's see who's going to be able to make his first arrest." Johnny bets, scanning around the area with a cup of coffee in his hand, the other on his waist.

"Dude it's a park, what the fuck could possibly happen here?" Mark retorts, unamused.

"Oh you know, it's a crazy world we live in these days." Johnny defends, his gaze fixed on his surroundings.

"Sure it is." Mark continues to read his newspaper as he stands side by side with Johnny.

The two try to at least roam around and patrol over the area, looking for at least an ounce of any violation, it didn't matter if it was serious or not.

Mark spots a kid of about 9 years old near the pond, about to drop a piece of bread into the water.

"Excuse me kid," Mark bluffs, as if it were his first catch of the day. Technically this is his first catch of his career, hopefully.

"What?" the child frowns and looks at him obnoxiously.

"Read the sign," Mark points to it and the kid's eyes follow, but disobeys him anyway. 

"It says don't feed the ducks!" Mark argues, but the kid is unbothered.

"Let it go Mark, it's not like bread will kill them. Plus, you can't arrest a child." Johnny scoffs and tries to drag Mark to another area.

Mark lets out a sigh as the kid sticks his tongue out and he does the same before turning his back.

The two had nothing better to do, they were rookies who just got newly assigned to an area that didn't even have any trouble. Almost like they were just there for the sake of. Of course the department treated them as rookies.

Johnny takes out his pistol out of boredom and tosses it for fun. "Woah you know those are loaded right?" Mark warns him while involuntarily taking a step back.

"Yeah and?" Johnny continues to toss and play with it.

"Unload it first!" Mark panics like the goody two shoes that he was.

"Then that would be no fun." Johnny shrugs.

Mark spots a group of middle aged men from afar, but not quite. He squints and tries to take a closer look with his binoculars.

"Yo check it out, aren't those the Outlaws?" He nudges Johnny's shoulder as he takes a look himself.

The Outlaws are a known motorcycle gang in the county, they aren't always bothersome but the both of them are determined to find a loophole.

The two approach the group of men and tell them off because they have parked their motorcycles illegally. But that's not the only thing they notice, these men were stoned. One lights up a joint of Marijuana shamelessly, and Johnny loses his temper. "Excuse me Sir, you do know that the use of Marijuana is illegal right?"

"Oh look," the hideous man spits on the ground. "They must be new. He has the guts to talk to us like that. Nice to see some fresh kids here. You sure you aren't dressing up for... halloween?" The man specifically has his eyes on Mark when he said the last sentence.

Feeling offended, Mark straightens up his stance and acts more like a grown man. "That's a nice joke sir, now hand it over." He says in a stern voice.

"What a scary fella, keep up the good work! Sorry I don't have candy with me." They tease and the two have had enough.

"I'm going to have to search your motorcycle now sir." Johnny insists and doesn't wait for a response, and opens the seat and finds packets of a fine white substance. "These are.." he halts.

"DRUGS!" Mark shouts and immediately gets pushed by one of the gang members.

Johnny immediately gets a sample and keeps it in his pocket and takes his gun out. Mark gets up and does the same. The men try to run away and escape, Johnny runs after them and Mark takes his bike. The two finally get to corner them and Johnny pits one of them on the ground.

"You have the right to," Johnny tries to utter the Miranda Rights as he puts handcuffs on the man that is trying to eagerly resist him. "To shut the fuck up!" Johnny was being too focused on trying to handcuff the suspect and forgets to recite the rest,

Reciting those did not even cross Mark's mind as he just also focused on trying to handcuff the man.

"You are coming with us!" He yells and drags them to the police station, which was only a few meters away from them now.

--------

As the case was investigated, their chief commends them but then discovers that they forgot to recite the Miranda Rights, which can possibly make the charges be dropped, but thankfully the violation to the law was enough for the men to remain in jail.

"Technically you still did this wrong," the chief puts a hand on his chin and taps the polished wooden table. "But since you're just starting out, i'll give you another offer."

The two young men eye each other, anticipating the chief's suggestion. "An offer?" Johnny asks, straightening up in his seat.

"Jump street." The chief says.

"Wha- what's that?" Mark furrows his eyebrows in curiosity.

"Since the both of you look younger than the rest of the people here, our undercover police unit is in need of officers." The chief informs.

"Please, continue." Johnny lets him explain further.

"You pretend to be college students. It's practically the same, but it would be more suitable for the both of you because it's your crowd. You see crime and injustice, you report. But, you will be disguised as college students to ease the procedures of trying to find what those students have been up to. We have your back." The chief explains.

"Cool." Mark simply says because he is astonished by the idea.

"So where do we report? Do we have a new head quarters?" Johnny asks. 

"You will be transferred. Down in 21 Jump St." The deputy Chief declares.

____

They head to the headquarters that was disguised as an old chapel. "You sure this is the one?" Mark questions as he gets out of the car.

"It does say 21 Jump St. so, let's have a look." Johnny turns off the engine and both of them enter.

The setting was a typical chapel, but it was dark and full of stock equipment. Mark takes a look at the altar that was dimly lit, and bows before the image of Christ to show respect . Johnny on the other hand was not a person of religion but follows Mark's simple gesture anyways.

"The both of you!" A man shouts from afar, and it echoes, "come over here." 

The two are startled but proceed to the hidden room. When they enter they see two women who are already disguised as cheerleaders. Meanwhile the two are still in their police uniforms. The ladies take a look and have a good laugh at them. "You do know that you're supposed to go undercover right?" She says, eyeing them from head to toe. 

"W-we didn't get the memo that it was gonna be today.." Mark trails off and fidgets with his hands.

"Go and dress like teenagers! Now!" The chief commands and the two quickly change right away. 

When they get back they are briefed by the set of rules they have to follow and about the goals of this undercover project.

"Rule number 1. DO NOT get expelled. No one in the system knows that you are undercover. So be disciplined and don't cause major trouble. Getting expelled would mean that you'll get your asses kicked out of jump street." The chief sternly explains, making the assigned officers hold their breath from fear.

"Rule number 2," the officer walks past the rest and stands in front of Johnny. "DO NOT have any sexual or intimate relationships with the students and professors. You hear that pretty boy?" And specifically locks his eyes on Johnny, making the boy gulp and purse his lips. After the general meeting, the two were called for a detailed one, personally with the chief.

It was said to them that they had to find a synthetic drug that has been spreading around the campus called NCT. A sample of its packaging was shown, it was definitely something you wouldn't think of as a drug. It was about a size of a large coin, and looks like a small biscuit. It was sealed using assorted hand drawn stickers of different objects. They were also advised to never give out their real names, because new identities have been assigned to them. Johnny's being Rolan Kim and Mark's being Kalen Park.

"When the youngsters take this drug, it apparently makes them laser-focused on studying for about an hour. And for the succeeding hours, they party like it's fucking 1999 until they pass out. Infiltrate the dealer, find the supplier." The chief gives his final orders and sends off the both of them for their mission.

-----

"Dang, we're really going back to college?" Mark says as he finished up packing his things for the dorm that the agency assigned to them. They had to be as realistic as possible.

The two head to the university, reminiscing their own college days. The two might perhaps over-do this whole "blending in" thing, which might give out the disguise.

"Woah their campus is HUGE." Mark says, mesmerized and wears both straps of his backpack.

"Bro, that's not very college of you." Johnny fumbles with the strap of Mark's backpack.

"What?"

"You're two strapping dude. You have to just sling one of them on your shoulder, so it's cool and grown up. You're in college, not middle school." Johnny fixes Mark's bag for him.

"Right. College." He utters to himself. He seems to be enjoying it too much, and starts saying hi to everyone he sees.

"Knock it off, Mark. You're giving us away." Johnny nudges his arm and tries to cooly stride along the campus, keeping his composure.

Mark acknowledges him and goes with the flow. The two arrive in their dorm that they gladly share only among themselves. Mark is new to this, because when he went to college he stayed with his parents. Thankfully he could trust Johnny to always have his back.

The two set their things down and pick their beds, it didn't really matter much since the room had two singles and separate desks for the both of them. It also had a small book shelf that could come in handy, if they ever plan to take lectures seriously.

"Let's just fix these later. We have to go to the Dean's office to confirm our enrollment. Act natural okay?" Johnny lazily brushes his hair back and straightens up his shirt in front of the small mirror that the vanity had.

"Oh- uh okay." Mark leaves the pile of his clothes undone on top of his bed and grabs his phone and keys.

It was the afternoon of fall, the campus has been covered with different hues of orange leaves and subtle sunlight. The breeze was cool but not strong as it blew against their hair. The university seemed peaceful, but they had no idea what went on once the sun sets and the lights are off.

After a couple minutes of walking, the two arrive at the Dean's office for their interview. 

"Good afternoon gentlemen, please take a seat." The middle aged man smiles at the both of them. 

The two are slightly nervous, but eventually get over it. "Nice to meet you, Mr..." Johnny reads the name plate on the desk "Mr. Bennet." and gives the man his signature smile. Mark does the same and they start their interview. 

"Okay, so which one is Rolan and which one is Kalen?" Mr. Bennet asks and there was a short period of silence. Two had seemed to forget which identities were theirs. 

Johnny raises his hand, "I'm Rolan sir. Rolan Kim." and he nudges Mark's shoulder. 

"Ah yes and I'm Kalen... Park" he barely manages to blurt it out. 

The dean furrows his eyebrows but lets it go and proceeds. "So the two of you are?" He asks. They were not prepared for that question. 

"Brothers."

"Family friends." the two say at the same time. They give each other a funny look, and Mark gladly saves them from the mishap. "Well we do really treat each other as brothers sir, we grew up together pretty much." and clears his throat. A close call. 

"That's good to hear. So Rolan is going to be trying out for the football team and Kalen will try out for the Music club. Those two are very different from each other, but don't worry the opportunities in this school are endless. You can always transfer if you feel that you aren't happy with what you chose." The dean explains and the two acknowledge. 

Mr. Bennet goes a little further with the interview and gives them their schedules for the semester then eventually dismisses the two, wishing them well.

"Dude how can you forget the identity that was assigned to you!" Johnny quietly scolds Mark for his slip away. 

"I'm sorry okay it's a little confusing!" Mark scratches the back of his head and looks at the floor. 

"Ayt, I'll see you later. I have Chemistry in 15 minutes. I can still catch up. What about you?" Johnny asks, putting his hand on his pockets and the other on Mark's shoulder.

"Well, I don't really have any classes for the day anymore. I guess i'll head back to the dorm so I can start unpacking already. I'll see you then. Let me know if you find any leads." Mark gives him a small salute and heads back to the dorms.

-----

Johnny arrives in the lecture hall and receives strange looks. He tenses up a little but nonetheless shrugs it off and takes a seat next to a boy who looks like a whole generation younger than him. 

"Yo, you look really old. Were you held back?" The boy asks in a nosy manner, unintentionally pushing Johnny's buttons.

Johnny clenches his jaw and keeps his composure. "No I don't... You look young. Super young. Were you held forward?" he tries to redeem himself. 

"No? Whatever. I'm Haechan by the way." The boy introduces himself. 

"Im Joh- Rolan." Johnny almost slips but the latter doesn't notice. 

The professor immediately hands a quiz, which Johnny has no idea of because he arrived at an odd time of the semester. He guessed all the questions with all his might. But to be quite honest he also wasn't the best in chemistry when he still went to school. 

He turns his paper in and walks towards the exit but gets stopped by Haechan. "Uh do you need help with the topic? You seem to be clueless about it." Which came off as a little rude, but that wasn't his intention at all. 

"No." Johnny insists because it hurts his pride. "I know everything." He stiffens up.

"Yeah? Do you know what a covalent bond is then?" The boy cheekily asks. 

Johnny bluffs, because he doesn't. Or to put it in a better light, he forgot. "Fuck man, I don't have to tell you what it is."

"Woah, I wasn't trying to be rude. But anyway if you need help you can just ask me. See ya." Then Haechan was off and got lost in the sea of people. 

Apparently, it was Johnny's last class for the day because it was already almost evening. He texts Mark to inform him that he's heading back to the dorm as well. He doesn't let his guard down and continues to observe the students if they're up to anything suspicious.

As he walked to the dorm, he saw a bunch of boys that were about as tall as he was but more athletic gather around the corner of the football field. He acts nonchalant but keeps an eye on what they are up to. He tries to move closer to the scene without getting caught and acts like he's only passing by. 

"Yo hook me up with some more of those, I can't fail my classes or else i'll get kicked out of the team." One says to the other. 

Johnny immediately pulls his phone out to text Mark about what he just heard and hurries back. 

-------

"Dude, as expected the football team has it. I'm trying out tomorrow and I'll surely get with them." Johnny discusses with Mark.

"Yeah? Can I come watch your tryouts? So I can see what they look like." Mark requests. 

"Sure. 2pm at the field." Johnny informs him.

The two were mostly busy arranging their stuff in the room until they heard a knock on the door. Mark offers to get it. 

"Hey new neighbors!" two men appear with big smiles. 

"Oh hey, uh... thanks?" Mark blankly answers as he was usually awkward meeting with new people.

Johnny comes and checks to see who it was, and to his surprise, it was Haechan and his roommate. 

"Oh hey Haechan, and hey..." Johnny looks at the unfamiliar guy. 

"Renjun." He smiles.

"Right Renjun." Johnny nods. "Oh by the way Kalen, I go to the same biology class as Haechan." Johnny calls Mark by his fake name.

"Oh cool, what about you Renjun, what's your major?" Mark asks. 

"Classical music!" Renjun enthusiastically says. 

"Oh I'm in Music Prod! I'll probably see you around during org meetings." Mark smiles.

Their neighbors introduce tips for them that could be useful during their stay and seem to be genuinely nice people. But Mark and Johnny cannot trust anyone, so they keep their guards up and try their best to not give anything away. 

Although it may have seemed like an easy task for them, it wasn't. The drug was all over the school, it was going to be difficult to find the root of it if they ignored even the smallest details that could lead them to find out the supplier. 

---

The following day, the two wake up early ready to officially start the day. Mark and Johnny head to their own classes, hoping that they find out something about the case today. 

Mark enters the lecture hall for his Philosophy class. It was almost 80 percent full as it was a basic class for almost everyone. He awkwardly looks around, hoping to find a seat that wasn't as far because of his bad eyesight. 

"Psst." You try to catch his attention. When he looks over, you tap the vacant seat next to you, "you can sit here." You offer. 

"T-thanks." He says and gives you a smile. 

"You seem like a new face. I'm Y/N" You say to him because you have observed the people in this class every day. 

"I'm Kalen. Kalen Park." he scratches the back of his head. "I uh, just got enrolled yesterday. You know, when your family moves into another town... yeah" he trails off with his made-up excuse. 

"Yeah, it's fine. Don't worry about it." You genuinely assure him, "It's college. You can take your time." You chuckle because he was so awkward, but seemed very kind. 

"Definitely." He bites his lip, unsure if he should keep talking or not. But the professor arrives just on time. 

He observes his surroundings and keeps an eye on suspicious students that might have a link to what they were looking for. He whispers to the guy in front of him who was just playing games on his laptop and wasn't listening in class. "Hey, do you know where I can get myself some NCT?" 

The guy raises his brows in doubt, "are you a narc?" and might have said it way too loudly. 

Mark tries to brush it off with a stiff laugh "What are you talking about man? I'm not I swear." and refuses to make eye contact. 

The airhead lets it go and slips mark a cellphone number that could possibly be a step closer to what they were looking for. "Just text them "looking for a hookup" and they'll know what you're talking about." 

"Thanks, man." He gives him a small pat on the back just to show that he wasn't up to anything, which actually just makes him more suspicious. Thankfully, the guy didn't really care. 

Mark was delighted to have found a lead easily, and immediately texts Johnny about it. After that, he actually paid attention to the class, just because it genuinely fascinated him. 

When it ended he immediately gathered his stuff and put on his backpack, ready to meet Johnny. 

"Psst, two strapper!" You call out and try to barely tap his shoulder. 

He looks back and immediately drops one strap of his backpack off his shoulders, he definitely forgot about what Johnny has advised him. He scratches the back of his head with his hands on his pocket, "yeah?" 

"You free this evening?" You casually ask. 

He nervously gulps because he really has to be somewhere right now, but he didn't want to be rude. "Uhm, I guess? I don't know yet. Why?" 

"We're having a poetry slam at the art hall, you might be interested. I saw some good stuff you wrote in your notebook" you smile, hoping that it doesn't freak him out that you saw one of his works. 

His eyes widened, "oh, okay cool I guess I can try. But I have somewhere to be right now, I'll see you..around." And he awkwardly walks off. 

You furrow your brows because of his strange mannerisms, but he seemed like no trouble at all. In fact, it was kind of cute, how awkward he was. 

------ 

It was time for Johnny's football tryouts. Given that he was already good at it during the time that he was actually in college.

Johnny was naturally a sociable person, he blended well with crowds and easily made friends. That's why this was the perfect place for him to be in. He sits himself at the bench while he wears the spare uniforms from the team and is greeted by a dude that was a little shorter than he was, "Goodluck" the boy with ash purple hair says. 

"Thanks!" he enthusiastically replies. 

"Captain! We need you for a sec." the coach calls, then the boy who has wished him luck gets up and reports to the coach. Well, he did give off an impression of one. He was highly presentable, his smile was hospitable, his form was great and his attitude was pleasant. Everything else—was just the ideal makings of a captain. 

The tryouts start and Johnny looks around for Mark, who had just arrived and casually sat himself on the bleachers, waving at Johnny from afar. As the tryouts went on and finished, the coach praised everyone who attended for a job well done and announced the new members who had qualified. All of which included Johnny of course. 

"Hey man, great job out there." The captain is back on Johnny's side to praise him. 

"Yeah, thanks. I'm Rolan by the way." He introduces himself.

"Of course I know, I was the one who picked you from the list." He laughs, "Jaehyun. Jeong Jaehyun." 

-----

"Hey!" Mark hears a familiar voice faintly calling his name. He searches for it but takes him awhile because of how wide the campus is. "Over here two stapper," you chuckle and he finally sees. 

"Oh hey," he muttered quite embarrassed at how awkward he was. 

He takes a seat next to you at the bench near the hall of the poetry slam event, he wanted to go together. "Chilly night huh? I should've brought my sweater.." You trail off, rubbing your arms for warmth. 

You didn't mean for it to come off that way, but Mark willingly takes off his jacket and offers it to you. "Oh it's alright really-" you insist.

"No it's fine, I'm from Canada, this is nothing." He laughs. 

You nod your head with his remark, and proceed to wear his jacket. It was quite big on you, but it was definitely cozy. "Shall we go?" You ask, standing up.

He nods and lets you lead him to the hall. The campus was only lit by lamp posts at this hour, but there were many sculptures in the school of arts that he had wished to see better. Well, there was always next time. 

The both of you enter the hall which was quite filled with students already. It had been set up like a cafe, with a small platform in front that was lit with a spotlight. 

"Give it up for Naya Kim everybody!" the emcee announces, encouraging everyone to give the person a round of applause after presenting a spoken word. "Do we have another volunteer?' 

The crowd falls silent as everyone looks around, mindlessly making eye contact with each other, waiting on who was going next. 

"Anyone?" The emcee taps the mic. 

"I have one!" You yell, and Mark looks at you with wide eyes. 

"Dude no-" he resists, trying to shrink himself into his chair. 

"C'mon it'll be fun!" You nudge his shoulder, "We have Kalen over here!" You grab his wrist and raise his arm for him, even if he was resisting it, he had no choice. 

The emcee squints and eyes the both of you and acknowledges you volunteering your new friend. "Alright we have Kalen next! Stage is yours." The emcee steps off. 

He had all eyes on him now, eyes hungry of anticipation and to witness raw talent amongst themselves. 

"G-good evening everyone." he greets, holding onto the mic tightly and takes a deep breath. His expression changes into a serious one. 

Will it ever come? 

The nights know me well. 

I was a frequent by-passer but now I am no stranger. 

A boy who grew up with sharks does not need to be taught how to swim.

Good night,

These words feel like the vast sky

Darkness, but not hollow.

Black but not bitter. 

After he recites his poem he becomes flustered again from the faint applause he had received from the audience that was present, he puts the mic back to its stand and does a small bow. 

"Not bad, tiger" You pat him on the back. There was more to him than what meets the eye, you just knew. 

"You think so?" He says with hopeful eyes. 

"Yeah!" You assure him. 

The rest of the evening passes by with the both of you having a splendid time watching others unleash their passion and talent for reciting spoken word and poetry. Some were tear jerking and some were downright hilarious. So this is college. Mark thinks to himself.

In the past he had always been a loner who didn't go to many parties because of his strict and conservative parents. 

 He was way beyond his borders now. But he couldn't get carried away. No, this isn't a time for him to redeem himself from his early years, this was time for him to perform his duties. So he snaps out of his little daydream. 

As the both of you were seated at the bench in front of the hall where he found you, he had asked you about your major. 

"Fine arts." you laugh bitterly.

"What's wrong? You don't seem like you're happy with it…" He trails off, swinging his feet that was hanging off the bench. 

You shake your head no, "I am. It's just that my parents don't really know I took this course. I told them I got a scholarship and they were just relieved that they didn't have to pay anymore. Otherwise they'd force me into some business course or something "more practical"" you emphasize with air quotes. 

"I see. Okay so fine arts huh?" He tries to lighten the mood. "What can you say about that one over there?" Mark points to the sculpture to your left, about 20 metres away. 

"They're like two beings, leaning on each other" you pause, dramatically for impact, "They support each other so one doesn't fall." you interpret. 

He seems impressed, then asks "Support huh? How about you? Do you have anyone—who supports you?" 

"Hm, not really, no. I like to be alone and just spend time with myself." Your eyes wander but all you could think about is how he's looking at you with such attentiveness and interest.

He chuckles, "I feel you. You know I'm an expert at being alone. Don't you just love it when you're in a room full of people but no one gives a shit about your presence?" He claps his hands together just once then purses his lips into a bitter lopsided smile. "Yep. Had a lot of those." He masks his personal statement with humor.

"Well," You say, kicking the shortly-trimmed grass on the building's lawn. "If you don't wanna be alone, you walk me to my dorm" you offer.

He looks around and takes no time to think about it, feeling that it was unsafe for you to go alone. "Sure." He smiles.

The walk to your dorm was silent but comfortable. You weren't sure if he was quite a talker or just shy. But one thing you couldn't get out of your head was how unconventionally attractive he was. You've never gotten a vibe like his before and you've been in this university for 2 years already. You wanted to get something out of him even if it takes you to be the bold one here. 

"We're here," You whisper, looking at him seductively. Like you were a puppy begging to not be left alone. "Do you wanna come in? My roommate left for the weekend" you smirk. 

Mark gulps. He had been resisting this kind of tension he had with you ever since he met you. But you made it so hard. "Come on," you say, putting your hand at the back of his neck while tracing mindless patterns on it with your finger. 

"My brother he might be-" 

"Oh you have a brother? Is he hot?" You joke. 

His eyes are wide with stitched eyebrows. But eventually catches on. "Nah." and he pulls you closer to him by the waist. His eyes now staring at you deeply, so hungrily like he was that tiger you called him as earlier. Come and get it.

Without any words said, he had finally crashed his lips onto yours. And you kissed him hard. Like you wanted to have him to all yourself at that very moment. Your tongue grazes his lower lip, begging for entrance which he had granted. Your tongues meshed together at a quick pace, with the heat of your core starting to throb. 

You push yourself closer to him and you start to feel his prominence and unconsciously grind on his jeans, making him grunt. You break the kiss for a quick moment, his eyes are glazed and his mouth agape, out of breath. You turn around and enter the code to your dorm and pull him inside. 

For a brief moment that your bodies were detached, Mark couldn't stop wanting more. Not even thinking the slightest of the consequences of this act that will dawn upon him if it ever gets out. 

You were back to slamming your body with his as you took off his jacket, making it fall to the floor. His hands snake underneath your shirt and started roaming around your body while he peppered kisses on your neck. With a swift flick of his fingers he had unclasped your bra and his hands groped your breasts, you threw your head back as he buried his face in your clothed cleavage. Like he was begging for this bothersome piece of clothing to be gone. 

You grant his invisible wish and quickly lift your shirt off, while your bra falls off your arms naturally, his mouth watering at the sight. You trace his abs underneath his shirt, your core getting wetter with how toned they were based on your touch.

And you didn’t doubt the results one bit. When you lift his shirt, his torso was delicately lean, toned in all the right places that your mouth could water at the sight of it. You bite your lip and roll your eyes at the sensation of him sucking your tits, his grip on you intense but gentle. 

“I don’t have condoms right now, so this is going to be all about you.” He whispers seductively, feeling your wetness through your soaked panties. You softly moan at the sensation and hungrily kiss him again, not having any moment to waste. 

When he slides two fingers to massage your folds, you whimper. "Fuck," you breathe. 

"God, that's hot." He says with a hitched breath. You couldn't possibly get any more turned on right now. 

When he slips his digits in your cunt—you go fucking insane. You haven't felt this good in quite a while, it made you ecstatic to remember how fucking good this feeling was, you hoped that this wouldn't be the last. Mark was different.

He picks up his pace, and you try to keep your composure, but the forced arch of your back says otherwise. You grab a pillow to cover your face, scared that you would be too loud and get caught, or else this would be the last time for the both of you. 

“My fucking God.” You whimper, pulling Mark’s head on your chest, holding onto him for dear life because you just entirely lost control of it all. He finishes you off like his life depended on it, licking your wetness from his fingers, savouring it, then wipes his fingers on his jeans.

“You were so good to me, yeah?” He chuckles when you are left speechless.

“What about you?” You ask, looking at his crotch that was painfully hard. 

“It’s- It’s alright. You don’t have to” He says, and it makes your heart thaw like ice. You didn’t deserve him. 

“But I want to.” You plead, you couldn’t possibly resist him. “Come here,” You say, rubbing your palm against his jeans.

You didn’t waste anymore time and unzipped his pants, lowering it with his boxers just enough t make his cock lightly hit his stomach. His size is definitely more than what you expected.  You take his wet, glistening cock in your hands and pump it gently, smirking in satisfaction when you hear him hiss and moan softly. 

“Can you keep it down for me, tiger? We might not be able to do this again,” You coo, and he obediently nods, grazing your lower lip with his tongue, asking for entrance which you gladly grant but not for long. 

You smile as you lowered your head down to his throbbing member, licking the precum that had escaped the tip. Mark bites his lip, trying to keep as quiet as possible. You slowly put his dick in your mouth, testing a few times how far you could go. He bucks his hips by accident, making you gag very slightly. “I’m so sorry,” He strokes your hair away from your face. You keep going until you reach the brim, a throaty moan escapes his lips when he couldn’t take it anymore. 

You bob your head up and down in a consistent pace while he holds your hair, “You’re such a good girl” He says, throwing his head back. You keep going until you feel tears slowly coming out of your eyes and tried to hollow your cheeks as much as possible, he was so close. 

“You don’t have to swallow,” he says, pulling back from you. Nonsense. You were more than willing to. 

“I want to.” You say, putting his cock back in your mouth. 

With a few last pumps, his member twitches in your mouth and you feel his warm release and take it all in. You wipe the sides of your mouth as you finish, giving him a sweet smile. 

After the both of you pass out on your bed, Mark has lost track of time and receives a text from Johnny. 

"Dude where the fuck are you? Do you know what time it is?" 

Mark jolts up and checks the time, 2:45am. Shit, he was screwed. He quickly gathers his clothes that had been thrown around your room and dresses himself in panic. 

"I'm sorry, uh Joh- Rolan, my brother has been waiting for me at our dorm, I lost track of time and i think he'll beat my dick off," He nervously chuckles, almost forgetting to use his fake identity again. He has got to get used to it.

"Not if i did it first" You both burst out laughing. "Alright, I'll see you in class." You say, snuggling yourself in your blanket and shutting your eyes. 

He leaves your dorm quietly and runs a hand through his hair before giving Johnny a call. 

"Dude listen-"

"Are you fucking around Mark?" Johnny answers, clearly enraged. 

Mark was scared as shit but never misses the chance to fuck around Johnny. "I might've." 

"Get your ass back here, Lee" 

"Ayt." 

He slips his phone back to his pocket and starts walking briskly to their dorm. Damn this campus was mad creepy that it actually brought chills to his body. He wondered why he felt so cold then realized he left his jacket at your place. It was too late for him to get it back so he settled by running to warm his body up. 

Finally, he was back at the dorm. He hesitates to turn the doorknob because he knows he will be dead meat or nagged to death by Johnny. Or not. 

"Where you been huh?" Johnny examines him, standing up from his bed. He sniffs Mark and the latter flinches. "You smell like sex!" He slaps his shoulder. 

"You crazy? Some expert or something" Mark brushes him off. Wincing at the sting Johnny's palm gave to the skin of his shoulder.

"I should know, Mark." His mood was lighter now. "But who did you fu- i mean have sex with? we just got here wildcat"

"A girl I met in class like uh… awhile ago" The younger bites his lip trying to keep a smile from escaping his lips. He shouldn't be feeling this giddy over a rule that he broke for you. 

Johnny could not believe what he was hearing right now, "Dang. Cheeky boy." He laughs, actually feeling happy for Mark. He can have a little fun, Johnny had his back when it came to these things.

The elder changes the topic and lets this slide. Johnny talks about the leads he gathered from hanging out with the football team. Which were still very much confusing since this substance is all over the campus. Meanwhile, Mark didn't have much besides that number he gave Johnny. Considering he was with the "decent" crowd of people today.

---

The two head to their quarters to report to their chief the next day, trying to ask for help on how they could improve this investigation. 

The chief dumps a folder on the table and says, "This is what the deputy gave us recently. Take a look." He opens the folder into a specific case file to discuss with the two. 

"Who's this?" Mark points at the picture of a girl, who seemed like they were around the same age as the people at University. 

"Lee Minjung." the chief rubs his hands together. "Took some NCT and got locked out of her dorm, so she ended up falling off the roof and dying." The two are shocked by this revelation, it was more serious than they thought. 

The chief flips a page, "Here's a picture of her buying the drug." The photograph had two people in it, one that had a visible face which was Minjung, and one guy who's back was facing the camera. He wore a hat so they couldn't really tell who it was. But one thing they could point out is the reflection on the window of the car beside them.

"Dude, look at this," Mark points out his observation to Johnny. "He has a tattoo, we could start with this." 

"Bingo. There's your lead." The chief closes the folder and puts it back in his file. "The next time you get back here your asses better be presenting me some actual progress. Understand?" 

"Yes sir." 

----

Johnny and Mark head to the resident tattoo artist that was near the university, apparently they do most of the tattoos of the students there. 

"Excuse me," They knocked on the table of the artist who was currently at the back of the shop.

The tattoo artist arrives out front and asks how they could help the two. 

"We're looking for this tattoo, is it familiar to you?" Johnny asks while showing the artists the photograph.

The artist tries to think hard, but gives a hasty answer. "I'm not sure, there's too many of them who got that." 

Mark pushes the subject, "Them? Do you think it's some kind of group tattoo?" 

"I guess so. They were boys, all of them. Very masculine, had the body of an athlete if I were to put it at that." The artist states. 

Mark and Johnny look at each other as if there were light bulbs above their heads. "Thank you!" Mark says and they run off the shop. 

The possibility of this being in the football team was huge. They were athletes, and under a lot of pressure. They had reasons to use this drug but it wasn't an excuse for them not to eliminate this. They had to get to the bottom of this before it ends up like Minjung's case again. 

---

Johnny was at football practice while Mark stood by the bleachers, watching the team and trying to look out as usual until Johnny calls him over to come down for a bit. 

"Jaehyun, this is Kalen, my brother." He introduces him. With his assigned name. 

Jaehyun chortles in disbelief when he sees Mark. "You have a brother?" He asks and Johnny nods. 

"Sup," Mark tries to give him a bro hug, but Jaehyun shakes his hand instead. 

Jaehyun pays no mind to Mark's presence and diverts his attention back to Johnny and proceeds to talk about their game plan.

When practice ends he tells Johnny that the football team plans to host a party tonight. It would be the perfect opportunity for them to keep an eye on everyone. 

"Can I come?" Mark asks.

Jaehyun eyes him from the side, "Yeah uh sure" and only bids goodbye to Johnny. "See ya bro." 

Mark could already feel that he didn't belong in this crowd, but he and Johnny had to stick together and investigate. 

The night of the party came and the two brothers were stoked. "Our first frat party." Mark thought. 

"Your first frat party." Johnny spat playfully, trying to meticulously style and wax his hair. 

Mark scoffs, still trying to figure out what shirt to wear but at the end, he settles with a navy blue Ralph Lauren shirt. He was too lazy to fix his hair and wears a cap instead. 

Johnny tosses Mark something that he thinks the younger might need later on. 

"Are you for real? A condom?" A baffled Mark says in disbelief, but sliding it in his pocket anyway.

"You'll never know wildcat. You'll never know." He gives him a mischievous wink.

This wasn't just any party to them, this was an operation. Though they chose to leave for the party unarmed, they were thankfully trained well for hand to hand combat, just in case things went extremely wrong. But that was besides the point, they couldn't destroy their chances of blending in.

When the tandem arrives at the party, the elder was the only one to be greeted enthusiastically, Mark shakes it off simply because being friends with these jocks were the last thing on his list. It was Johnny's call if it didn't work for him, they had their roles. 

"Go around for a bit, I'll take care of him." Johnny whispers to Mark with a drink already in his hand.  

Mark shrugs his shoulders and explores the frat house, lit with red and blue, music blaring through speakers and the muffled conversations from the people that filled it. 

Nothing seemed too off the bat here, it was everything you would expect a frat party to be. There hasn't been a trace of NCT anywhere, or maybe it was because they were being taken too discreetly. 

"Want some?" a random guy nudges him, discreetly handing a packet of the substance. He takes it and plays it cool. 

"Yo, sick. Thanks man." He pats him on the back. 

“Yo it’s not free.” The guy laughs then it disappears. “20 bucks.”

Mark's smile fades, embarrassed. Thank god he brought his wallet. “Here. Thanks.”

"Don't sweat it." and he gives him a small salute.

Mark quickly slides it in his pocket, to keep as evidence later. 

"Bad boy." You snake your hands around his shoulders. "Want some?" You offer your red punch with vodka. 

His eyes widen, but eases under your touch. Finally, someone who's familiar. Overly familiar. "Hey, y/n" he shakes his head no. "I don't feel like drinking tonight" he makes up an excuse. 

"So are you…" 

"Am i?" 

"Are you going to take that?" You say, pointing at the pocket where he hid it.

Uncertain, he shakes his head no. "But should I? Have you ever had one of these?" 

"Oh god no." You say in disgust. "I have seen people's reactions to it though. It's borderline batshit crazy, those things." You explain. Hoping that he wouldn't ever try taking those. You knew about the whole Minjung incident. "One of the girls who lived next door died because of it." 

Your remark sparks an interest in him. "Minjung?" He questions. This could be a big help to their operation. But it wasn't a good time to interrogate you.

You raise your brows, "How'd you know her name?" 

He fakes a cough and tries to quickly think of a reason. "Mr- Mr. Benett told us. He said that recently a student passed away but never said it was because of the drug…" 

You crease up, "That old man is fucking clueless." You cross your arms. "But I'm just looking out for you okay? There's safer ways to have fun." 

"Right " He pursues a smile.

Too much fun wasn't part of the plan tonight but you made it difficult for him to do his job. Effortlessly. 

You fake a pout. "C'mon tiger, live a little! It's not going to be that bad." You try to convince him, wrapping your arms around his neck, trying to keep your drink from spilling, his arms naturally overlapping and resting just right above your ass.

To hell with this. He's been dreaming of this his entire life. After being in such a conservative family and all, he deserved to try new things out. He was old enough. He thinks to himself, while catching a glimpse of Johnny chugging down a keg. "You're right." he smirks, and you offer your drink for him to taste. 

Mark's face scrunches a little from the alcohol, but it felt nice. Good enough for him to grab you by the arm and head to get one himself. 

He scans the counter full of different drinks with a variety of colored juices. He chooses the blue lemonade with vodka which you gladly made, handing him the red plastic cup after. "Cheers" you say, delighted with the smile he gave you. 

It wasn't long enough until the both of you were back to dancing again, not giving a care like everyone else. He could kiss you right now. And he did, he couldn't miss the opportunity to make your tongues turn purple. 

----

Johnny has done everything with all his might to get along with these jocks, kids these days do party harder huh? He doesn't remember having this kind of intolerance to alcohol before, he had to get it out of his system before he forgets what he's really here for.  

"Nah this dude's a goner!" Yuta enthusiastically points at Johnny, who now had both of his hands on his knees. 

"Hold on, I gotta have some air outside" he raises his arms in defeat, words slurring out of his mouth and vision so blurred he could barely tell where he's going. Finally after much stumbling and ending up in filthy corners, he managed to find a bathroom. Not a usable one though.

"Oh god- sorry" He says as he sees two people fucking each other's guts out on on the sink. "Nevermind" he immediately shuts the door and leaves them alone. It didn't take long for him to just head outside and vomit on the lawn of the frat house. Oh yes, great fertilizer. 

Johnny regains a very small amount of composure and he felt someone tap and rub his back. "You okay?" Jaehyun chuckles, with a drunk Yuta tagging along.

Johnny takes a deep breath and tries to stand straight with all his might, trying to act like everything was under control. "Shits wild here" He chaffs, but his brows furrow when he sees a familiar pattern on Yuta's skin. "What's that you got there?" Johnny tries to reach for the latter's arm carefully. 

Yuta excitedly raises his sleeve, revealing a tattoo. "Oh this? It's a tattoo man. Gotta get inked at some point!" Yuta says, proudly. "Do you want one? I know a place!"

Jaehyun sighs. He was hyperactive again. "Yuta-"

"What? C'mon look I got this as soon as I got out of my parent's house. Those folks made me feel like I was in jail!" The drunk boy overshares. Johnny pays attention because there was a possibility that these thoughts were sober. 

Johnny was quickly disappointed, but not surprised. "Yeah? That's cool. I'll pass. Kinda scared of needles..." He trails off. 

"Pfft. Pussy." Yuta spat, Johnny was ready to give him a piece of his knuckles. 

Jaehyun blocks Johnny with his arm, "Cut him some slack man, I've known this guy since high school. Let him have his fun. He won't even remember this." 

The three head back inside to enjoy the rest of the party when the duo completely forget what they were initially here for. Johnny had spent the rest of the night enjoying himself, so did Mark.

You and Mark decided to play along with the drinking games these people planned, with the faces that you will surely forget by tomorrow. 

You've already had a couple to drink, so it became harder for you to aim in beer pong. Luckily, Mark was right behind you, with a steady grip on your hips and one arm helping you aim for the ball. 

You close one eye trying to focus as he helped you aim for the cup. "She shoots, she scores!" he shouts playfully and there goes another drink for you. 

"You still alright? We can stop if you want," He whispers, lips tingling on your collarbone, sending chills to your spine. 

You turn to face him, a gentle hand on his lean chest. "I want you.".  You whisper, dragging a painfully slow finger to his lips. You were so knit together that you could feel the growing tent in his pants on your throbbing core. He was irresistible. 

He gulps. Here comes nothing. Johnny sure knows his shit huh?

Mark quickly leads you upstairs, looking for a vacant room to settle in. He turned the knobs one by one but they were all locked, your last resort was a surprisingly available restroom. 

"Will this do for you?" Mark hesitates, because he didn't want you to feel uncomfortable.

Your tipsy self playfully pinches his cheek, "You do it for me, tiger." And it was enough to drive him to the edge. 

As soon as the both of you enter the bathroom, your lips connect once again, sloppily kissing each other like you were out of your minds. Like you wanted to swallow and consume this man whole. 

"I want you to see for yourself how crazy you make me." You say through the slapdash kisses.

He puts a hand under your dress, feeling your drenched cunt. "You're so fucking wet. Is this all for me?" He says out of breath, mouth almost watering with the thought of your pussy in his mouth.

"All yours baby." You bite his lower lip and stick out your tongue for him to suck. 

He raises your dress just below your ribcage and slides down your black lace lingerie as it fell to your ankles, "Just so you know, I'm keeping this." Mark smirks as he quickly puts it in his pocket. 

"It's meant to be yours," You purr, setting your back flat on the cold tiled wall, throwing your head back at the sensation of Mark leaving wet kisses on your thighs. 

He kneels and places your legs over his shoulders, lifting your feet off the ground. He was sturdy as a rock as his two arms held your thighs for support while you removed his cap for you to wear over your head and your fingers to be locked in his hair. 

"Fuck." You hiss as his tongue lapped on your folds, slurping on your wetness like he worshiped you. He sucked repeatedly on your clit making your legs tremble, so good that you might fall over but his reflexes were out of his world and he knew where exactly to support you. 

Your eyes painfully roll to the back of your head from the sensation he was giving you, "God, Kalen don't fucking stop-" you moan and you swear this man had some spell casted on his mouth by how magical it worked. 

You grind your hips involuntarily as his mouth followed it, like this could not get any better than it already was. But you could only take so much. "Kalen I'm gonna cum, fuck" 

"It's not over until it's over baby," he sets you down and removes his mouth from your pussy, you could barely stand with your legs feeling like absolute gelatin. 

Mark gets a condom out of his pocket and quickly unbuckles his belt, making his jeans fall to the ground and expose his throbbing cock, boxers wet with precum. 

"You think you can last longer for me baby girl?" 

You could only nod your head eagerly because you were growing extremely impatient. 

He wraps your legs around his waist in a swift move. "Good girl" He whispers, and you were more than ready to take him. Again and again. 

He inserts himself inside you, stretching your walls and you whimper, wrapping your arms around his head to keep his face close to the valley of your breasts. 

"That's right, open up for me, pretty girl." He pleads as he continues to thrust in a steady pace. Breath hitched as he brought his face up to you, slurping your tongue once more like it was a popsicle that he couldn't get enough of. "Taking me so well like always huh?" he chuckles and picks up his pace, throaty moans escaping his mouth. 

Thank fuck the music in this house was loud enough to blow off people's eardrums, making your moans almost inaudible outside, but loud enough for Marks pleasure. For his ears only. 

“Fuck I’m almost-” Mark huffs, “there.” he breathes. When his pace becomes sloppy and finally comes, you hold onto him, your legs numb that you could barely stand on your own. Conscious with the fact that Mark will get to see how fucked out you look, but he absolutely loved it. 

-----

"What'd I tell ya? That condom didn't go to waste." Johnny snickers while laying in bed, tossing his football. 

Head in the clouds with the thought of you, Mark could only smile to himself but quickly changes the subject before they both lose all purpose. 

"Find anything out yet?" Mark asks mindlessly, because all he could think about was you. 

"Nope." Johnny says, popping the p. He lied.

And something clicks with Mark. That packet of NCT he managed to keep in his pocket. He rushes over to his hamper and flips the pockets of his pants. 

"Someone handed it to me yesterday, I kept it for evidence to bring at the headquarters." He hands the packet to Johnny.

The elder observes it, trying to push the thought of Yuta possibly being a dealer to the very back of his head right now. Give it time. Mark was just starting to enjoy being with you, Johnny has been enjoying being one of the new aces in the football team, it wouldn't hurt to hold it out for a little while. 

"Also," Mark adds, "Y/n knows about Minjung. Said she lived across the hall."

"And?" Johnny anticipates. 

"That's all I know for now. It's still a big step though." Mark concludes.

----

Johnny spends his free time hanging with Jaehyun and the rest of the boys. If not in practice, they hit the gym to always be in tip-top shape. 

Yuta swings a heavy arm over Johnny's shoulders, "Well isn't it our quitter!" 

Johnny shoots Jaehyun a look, "You told me he wouldn't remember." 

Jaehyun could only chuckle, "Well he did." 

Yuta was loud as a goose, he seemed to have so much more energy than the other members of the team that Johnny became suspicious of where it came from. 

He recalls the time when the chief described the effects of the NCT substance, and one of them was being focused and hyperactive.

Yuta, besides being silly, was on top of his own game. After joking around he was a hundred percent focused on the gym, his reps were consistent, his routines were clean. Jaehyun tells Johnny that Yuta was also one of the greatest instruments of the football team. Though not gifted with the brightest mind, he worked hard to stay in this university to prove his parents wrong—and to avoid business school.

He was a potential heir to a known electronics company in Japan, but he insisted that he pursue being part of the varsity team to keep his scholarship in sports science. Which until now was an endless debate between him and his parents. 

Jaehyun had invited Johnny to stay over at the frat house to hang out, and he did. 

It was different to see it in daylight, with no people partying, no vomit and crushed chips on the floor, it looked well taken care of. 

"You guys clean this up yourselves after every party?" Johnny asks, impressed. 

"Yep," Jaehyun proudly says. 

"You gotta look out for the shit they leave behind here. It's amusing." Yuta retorts. 

Johnny raises a brow, "Oh yeah? Like what?" 

Without wit, Yuta replies, "Drugs"

Johnny, absolutely being taken back by his bold remark was immediately clutched by Jaehyun, "He doesn't mean it." 

His suspicion grew so much that he couldn't help but finally bring up the subject. "Like what? Like NCT?" he enunciates. 

Jaehyun, quite astounded by Johnny's knowledge with the substance replies, "Hm maybe. You know about that?" 

And he was in the trance. "Heard of it yeah, can you hook me up with some?

"Oh sure it’s right-" Yuta reaches for his pocket, "here." and sticks his middle finger out playfully. Johnny swats it away.

"Woah there-" Jaehyun almost bust a gut while laughing. "You're definitely new to this. We don't have any." He tells Johnny. "Don't be such a narc." 

Way too defensively, Johnny retorts, "I'm not!"

"That's what they all say." Yuta shrugs with a chuckle.

 He spends the rest of the afternoon with them and surprisingly hasn't dealt with unusual rituals and behavior. They acted their age, playing games on a PS5, drinking soda until their bladders exploded, filling themselves with junk food and spray cheese. He could be wrong about them after all.

----

Days passed and not a single thing has led them closer to their target person, it was harder than they thought even when everything felt like it was right in front of them. 

"Student-Parent day is coming soon, are you going?" You ask Mark as you take a sip of your coffee. 

You took him to your favorite coffee shop for the first time, it's a nice and quiet place for you to study and relax. 

"They have those?" Mark hesitates because then he'd have to tell his parents that he's undercover and they'd forget and blow it for him. "I guess so." 

"Good. Because I'd like you to meet my parents." You smile. Though you didn't know where you stood with Mark, the past few weeks with him had been a breath of fresh air. He was kind, funny and supportive. He was simple yet his ways of showing his thoughts were sophisticated, never had you once thought that you would get along so well with a person in such a short time. You weren't the one to ask for labels though. You simply liked to enjoy whatever you had at the moment. In your experience, putting labels on things just always gave a reason for it to vanish. 

"What why?" He says, a little too surprised.

"Look Kalen, don't break a sweat with this. I'm just going to introduce you. They won't mind." You assure him. 

He simply leaves the topic behind and ponders on how he could make this work. He was scared because you had no idea that this was all temporary, and he's terrified by the fact that he wishes it wasn't. He was finding all the possible reasons and excuses to retract himself from this relationship he has with you, but all you ever gave him was a reason to stay. It broke his heart knowing that one day, he'll have to disappoint you with the truth. 

"Something wrong?" 

He snaps out of it. "Nothing." and forces a smile. 

-----

"We aren't making any progress man," Mark runs a hand through his hair and sighs. His back falls heavily on his bed.

Johnny anxiously bites his lap, eyes fixated on the floor. "Yuta has a tattoo…" 

"What?" the younger jolts up. 

Johnny backs up defensively, "But it wasn't the one we saw! You know how the tattoo artist said he's done a couple of those."

"Are you shitting me right now? We've been trying to find it for weeks! Why didn't you tell me?" His voice raises, and a vein on his forehead couldn't help but emerge. 

"I don't think it's him man, I told you it’s not the same tattoo" Johnny defends. 

Mark lets out a pungent laugh, poking his tongue on the inside of his cheek, his jaw stiffens. "Right. I knew it. " He says in disbelief. "Everything's right in front of you already! Too scared to bust your new besties now?" 

"They aren't my new besties stop making up bullshit." The elder stubbornly defends. 

"No you stop because I'm actually trying here!" 

"Oh you are? Explain why you're getting so serious with that girl of yours. Wait until she finds out that she's just part of the plan." He jumps on Mark's throat and walks out of the room. 

The thing is, you weren't even part of the plan. Not at all. 

-----

"You better have good shit for me today." The chief clearly was not being in his best mood today. 

Mark scoffs, he and Johnny had not settled their differences since the fight from two days ago, they were doing their own investigations without communicating. Which was a big no.

"Ask the big guy here, I'm sure he has something." Tongue in his cheek, Mark glares. 

The chief slams a big hand on the table and shouts, "Stop acting like fucking children!" 

Johnny stiffened up on his seat, and gulped before he spoke. "I think we need to initiate a drug test on one of the students, chief. I have my eye on this one person. We could pretend to say that the thing is randomized and mandatory. If the intel can look up information about his parents, we could send a pretend automated message about their child being randomly selected for a drug test." 

The chief seems to be taking Johnny's point well, "And who is this you suspect?" 

"Nakamoto Yuta." 

Mark looks at Johnny with wide eyes, he thought Johnny wouldn't be turning him in. 

"I see. I'll get the department to execute this idea of yours and we'll let you know right away. Dismissed." 

Mark catches up to Johnny who had been walking ahead of him and tries to reach for the elder's shoulder. "Why didn't you tell me?" 

"Let go of me," Johnny knocks Mark's hand off his shoulder. "Are you happy now?" 

Dumbfounded, Mark couldn't seem to understand where Johnny's irritation was coming from. "Look man, I'm sorry you had to turn one of your friends in but you know it's our job." 

"I know okay? I don't need you telling me what to do because so far, I know pretty damn well that I'm not meddling in your fucking business." 

Mark pushes a hard hand on Johnny, making him stumble a little. "My relationship has nothing to do with this. Are you jealous? Because if you are, I know pretty damn well you can score a lot of chicks here. I don't see the problem." 

Johnny tries to speak but was unable to because Mark had already stormed off elsewhere. 

----

 "Shit. My parents are coming to fetch me today." Yuta runs a veiny hand through his ginger hair; another reason for his parents to pull him out of university. But here's the first: 

Jaehyun, disinterested even if he knew it was serious whenever Yuta's parents butt in and ask why.

"They wanna do a drug test on me." 

Jaehyun chortles, "What? You? What made them think that? Besides you acting like a crackhead?" 

"They got this stupid email from the dean that I was amongst the randomly chosen individuals to get tested." He pops a sour kid patch in his mouth, "They're never letting this go." He pinches the bridge of his nose and shakes his head. "I have never even tried NCT." he rolls his eyes. 

Yuta, though by the looks of him, gave an impression of a boy who would try everything in front of him, but he's a wuss with a good conscience. Too good.

"Well, you are innocent after all, right?" Jaehyun shrugs. "There's nothing to worry about. Um, besides your dyed hair, your tattoo, that lip piercing." He eyes him up and down. "No biggie, just probably uh—two weeks worth of grounding. And no allowance." 

"Fuck you man." the ginger-haired boy glared.

------

Johnny walks around the campus, alone. It sucked to not be on good terms with Mark, what ever happened to bros before hoes? It just wasn't the same doing things without him. Johnny had given Mark his personal space for the both of you, but at times like this—it was the hardest to stay out of it. 

As he passes by the back of the Fine Arts building, he sees two familiar faces on the exposed staircase. 

He squints his eyes and tries to focus on who those people might be, the mop of ash purple hair too familiar. But one thing that utterly shocked him was the sight of someone he expected the least.

It was you and Jaehyun, standing way too close to each other for anyone's liking.

Johnny takes a deep breath and sucks in his cheeks. He didn't know what this meant, and he wished he wouldn't have to be the one to give it any interpretation that would disappoint him and especially Mark. 

He walks away from the scene before you get a chance to see him.

"Jaehyun, you don't have to stand this close to me," You backed up, hips hitting the ledge lightly. 

He looks to the side, then back at you. "Sorry," he cockily says, backing up with both of his hands raised. "Can't help it. My best friend's too fine. And someone was looking." he mumbles.

"What?" 

"Nothing, he's gone"

"You know I'm with Kalen right now Jaehyun." You say with worry, it could've been anyone. "Quit. Don't ruin this for me." 

He manages to let a disgruntled chuckle, "And yet you still can't put a label on it." 

And with that, he was off. 

The entire time Johnny was battling with himself if she should tell Mark about what he saw or not. Them being in a misunderstanding right now doesn't change the fact that he was still his best friend. 

After the excruciatingly slow walk to the dorm, he had hoped that Mark wouldn't be around, so he wouldn't have to face him with the information he had right away. He couldn't even form the words for it. The. again, when did anything ever go his way, right? 

Johnny enters the room and there was Mark, munching on some chips while viewing something on his laptop. Something probably for one of his classes. Mark didn't have to take this so seriously (by this he meant his classes) but he did, because the Mark we all know just loved to learn. Good for him. 

He ignores Johnny's presence; though he was very much aware of it. The elder plops down his bed and grabs his football to toss around. It was so awkward; not greeting each other with their usual weirdness and excitement. It felt like there was this gaping hole between them that both of them were afraid to cross, and no one had the initiative to take a risk—for now. 

"Find anything?" Johnny asks Mark, eyes on the ceiling. 

"Nope." 

"Why not?" 

"Do you have anything?"

Well, he did. But not about their task. Instead, he says "Nope." but he couldn’t help but ask. “How are you and y/n?”

“Good.” Mark plainly answers.

“Good.”

And left it at that. 

-----

You were going to let your parents meet Mark today, and his would meet yours. You were new to this, there was not a single man you had introduced to your parents, aside from Jaehyun. But that was a different story, because Jaehyun was a childhood friend. 

So Mark was the first… whatever this was called. You couldn’t get yourself to call him that, you didn’t deserve to. For you labels were earned, not just given. But this will do for now. 

You see him from a distance with his parents, he resembled his father’s face structure and his mother’s eyes. His smile was uniquely his own. You wave a hand in the air and he catches the sight of it, smiling even wider. 

“You’re in college again honey?” Mark’s mom asks, clueless.

“Mom, I'm undercover please don’t bring that up anywhere. Please keep quiet for me.” He whispers sternly. 

His mom zips her mouth figuratively, his dad got the idea of the whole thing, so they acted according to the assignment. 

As he got closer to where you were, his legs grew weak. But he couldn’t falter, he had to put on a strong face. But at that moment, Mark wanted to be buried alive. He wanted to turn his back and run away.

“Mom, dad, this is Kalen.” You present him to them with a grin. 

“H-hello.” Mark lets out, his chest clenching. 

“Kalen. You sure I haven’t seen you before?” Your father says, gripping Mark’s hand firm, he could almost squeeze the guts out of it. Your father was his deputy chief. 

Mark, crushed under the man’s grip, “N-no sir.” he manages to blurt out. 

You sense the tension and tell your dad, “Dad, that’s enough.” 

Your dad let go, with a smug and bitter look on his face. Your mom, who- with absolutely no idea what Mark has to do with your father, greets him politely. 

You greet Mark's parents with glee, and proceed to walk with him, keeping a fair distance from both your parents. "Sorry about my dad, he's just stressed about his job. He's a deputy chief, rustling with knuckleheads all the time." You explain. 

Sure he's been through a lot. Mark thought. "Yea yea, I totally get it. It's fine." he nods. Knuckleheads. He laughs to himself. 

The rest of the parents’ day event was a total drag, every time Mark got into eye contact with their chief, it had seemed like the man wanted to rip his head away from his body, or maybe skin him alive. Mark had no idea, because if he did he wouldn’t have risked going this far with you. What is left to do now? How can he ever face his boss knowing that he broke the first rule given to them right in his face? And with his own daughter? He should start digging his own grave at this point. 

But the chief didn't lay a finger on him, not now when his daughter was at stake. 

----

Mark has been itching to tell Johnny about what had happened. He was willing to set aside their differences because he needed his best friend, now. 

"Johnny-" Mark breathes, not making eye contact with the elder who was on his phone, this room had been dead silent for days. 

Johnny's head perks up, it was nice hearing him call his name again. "Yeah?" 

"I kinda messed up… big time." Mark scratches the back of his head, shameful. 

Johnny sits up, and listens to the younger more attentively. "What do you mean?" 

"Y/n.." he trails off, "Y/n is the chief's daughter." And catches his face on his hands. 

"Fuck…" Johnny didn't know what to say. "How'd you know?" 

"The student-parent weekend thing. God, I swear dude he was going to skin me alive if he could. But shit, I didn't know!" Mark exclaims, hands all over the place. "If I did then I wouldn't have gone through with this. She has never told me about her parents until that day. I don't know what to do." 

He seemed so helpless, he didn't want to break to you like this, it was too messy. But damn if he didn't want to keep being with you. It couldn't end like this, not yet. 

"I- I don't know what to say man… God I'm sorry this sucks ass. You know I always let you do what makes you happy right? But what if," Johnny stops, debating if he should go on with what he planned to say. 

"What if?" Mark anticipates. 

"What if she isn't who you thought she was?" 

"Great. I'm so fucking stupid for thinking you would be with me on this one." Mark slams his hands on his lap and stands, slamming the door on the way out. 

"Mark-" Johnny reaches for the door but misses a beat, it was too late. He let his best friend slip away from him again. 

And as soon as Mark left their room, he was on his way to meet up with you, hoping you would be free. He hadn't had much time with you after the following days of the event because you had always excused yourself with how busy you are with your submissions and requirements, or that's what you would like to tell him. 

Your phone rings in your pocket as you excuse yourself from the people you were with at the moment, when you check to see who it was, you find the quietest place possible. 

"Kalen," You spoke, "What's up?" 

"Are you free? I was hoping I'd finally catch you." 

You sigh, you missed spending time with him. "I am," you say in advance before you bail out of this place you were in. "See you at the cafe in 10?" 

You hear him chuckle over the line, and you just knew he was smiling when he said "Great, I'll see you." 

"See you, Kal." You smile and tuck your phone back in your pocket. 

"Who was that?" Jaehyun asks when he bumps into you in the hallway of the frat house. "Oh you've got that sickening smile right now. It must've been Kalen" He rolls his eyes. 

"Whatever Jae," You brush past him. "I'm heading out." 

"But we're not done!" 

You didn't respond and left, shutting the door behind you. 

The cafe was a short walk from your university, but you just happened to bump into Mark on the way, now you don't have to walk alone. 

He smoothly slips his hand in yours, holding it gently and reading your expression. You look to the side with a wide grin on your face, unable to help the fact that you were blushing like crazy. 

"Nice hoodie," he comments. The garment looked a little too familiar to him, he just couldn't quite put his finger on it. “You never gave back my jacket..”

You mentally facepalm, forgetting the fact that you were wearing Jaehyun's hoodie. You pray that Mark wouldn't see this on him anytime soon, you wouldn't want him to get a bad idea. 

"Oh right that, I’ll get it dry cleaned and I’ll give it back" you utter. "Something bothering you?" You ask, trying to read his sulky expression. 

He shakes his head, "No no, I want you to keep it. And I just missed you." He forms a small smile, making your heart melt. You were so easily captivated by his presence that it scared you. He always left you feeling unhinged—in a good way. 

"I missed you too, tiger." You grip his hand a little tighter.  

When he licks his lips, only by then you realize how much you missed kissing him. Right then and there, you just wanted another taste. This was exactly why you were trying to keep yourself busy and away from him for a bit; you had to convince yourself that you couldn’t be attached to him because you could never take care of the things you keep. 

He opens the door for you like always and the chimes in the cafe ring in a sweet melody, a sound that always reminds you of your moments with him. The both of you always shared comfortable memories in this cafe, from small coffee dates to working on papers until it closed. You couldn’t imagine sharing it with anyone else. 

When you settle down he automatically takes your usual orders right away. You could not take your eyes off him, he was such a dream.

He sets the tray down with your drinks, and a pastry that you shared a love-hate relationship with. Cheesecake.

You chuckle at the thought of recalling all the times that you convinced Mark that cheesecake slices weren’t supposed to be as huge as they are and that there are definitely better one’s in other places, but Mark’s favorite was Starbucks’. Maybe that’s why you have learned to love it somehow, because you get to enjoy it with him. 

"I thought you didn't like this? You almost finished the whole thing… I literally bought this for myself." He says sarcastically, very much amused at how you barely even noticed that you were close to finishing the entire thing. 

"Oh shit.. sorry" You show him a pout and feed the last piece to him. "Here." You smile cutely. 

He rolls his eyes and bites it off your fork, you both bid goodbye to the cheesecake. 

Mark’s phone rings in his pocket and when he checks to see, it was Johnny. He lets out a sigh and puts his phone back in his pocket. 

“Are you going to take that?” You ask. 

“Nah”

But Johnny was persistent, he did see this coming. He knew that Mark would ignore him at first so he decided to send him a message. This was about their job. 

“Mark, I know you hate me right now but we have to go to the office. Yuta’s tests came back.” Johnny sends. 

Mark takes a peek at his message, immediately standing up. 

“Where are you going?” You say, surprised. 

“I’m sorry I gotta go- meet my brother. He needs me for something.” He hesitantly leans forward, wanting to kiss you on the lips but kisses your forehead instead. “Text me when you get home okay?.” And with that, he was off. 

Mark rings Johnny and the elder quickly answers the call, Mark informs him that he would be heading to the office by himself since he was already closer to the location. 

But he suddenly remembers about his conflict with the chief. So he waited for Johnny to arrive outside. 

Lowering his pride he says, “I’m scared.” 

Johnny looks at him with empathy and says, “We can’t change what happened Mark. Just take it all in for now and we’ll figure out what to do about it later.” He pats the younger’s back and gives his shoulders an assuring squeeze before heading inside. 

Mark could not look at his boss, the feeling of wanting to be eaten alive was back again, why did he have to be your father? 

When Mark finally gets the courage to face him, the chief yells, “The fuck are you looking at?” making Mark flinch and shrink into his seat. 

Johnny felt the need to protect his friend and at the same time, to get what they were really here for. “Um, Sir can you save the ass beating for next time? We really need to look into Yuta’s results now.” He scratches the back of his neck. 

The chief grunts angrily, getting the file from his drawer. “Negative.” He says. 

Mark and Johnny give each other a look and take the folder that had the results, trying to analyze how it could possibly be negative. 

“Dammit.” Johnny whispers to himself, they had to move quickly before everything slips away from them. He takes note of Yuta’s contact number in the file to use for later. He closes the folder and places it back on the desk. “We’ll take care of this chief.” 

“You better. And you,” He presses a hard finger on Mark’s chest, “Stop fucking around with my daughter. I’ll cut your dick off.” 

Mark purses his lips before speaking, “She’s-” he gulps, “She’s really great sir. I’m not playing around with her. I’d never do anything to hurt her.” 

“You already are.” 

-----

The following day, Yuta receives a text from an unknown number, asking him to meet in an unusual location on campus. He was very skeptical at first but  believed that it was probably harmless. 

“Yah, Rolan! Sup.” He offers his fist to bump. “I was just waiting for someone here too. Some random number texted me and I was like "you know, fuck it"” he shrugs.

Johnny couldn’t help but chuckle. Was innocence even the word to describe this? "And you believed them?" Johnny shakes his head.

“Yeah! Look here’s the number” he flashes his phone screen to Johnny, “I wonder where they are. Let me give them a call.” he mindlessly puts the phone next to his ear. Yuta hears a muffled cellphone ringtone and looks around for it. “Yo, your phone’s ringing you should get that.” Yuta says to Johnny, still having absolutely no idea.

“It was us who texted you, dummy.” Mark retorts, appearing from the shadows, now both of them are cornering Yuta. 

“Yo,-” Yuta laughs, still not getting the point of this all. “What’s your name again?” 

Mark rolls his eyes, “Kalen.” 

“Right! Kalen wassup? You’re his brother right?” Yuta points to Johnny with his thumb up.

Johnny pops a tongue in his cheeks, and cocks his brow. “Alright, fun’s over.” It was a shame he had to do this too early, but it had to stop. He locks Yuta’s throat with his arm, pushing him onto the solid brick wall. 

Yuta tries to toughen up and tries to push Johnny’s arm off, but due to their size difference, Johnny definitely kept him still. 

“What do you know about him” Johnny asks sternly. 

“A-about who?” Yuta coughs.

“Jaehyun. What does he do?” Mark follows. 

“Besides being the most handsome man I know, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Mark shakes his head, “Well,” and gets a gun out of the pocket of his hoodie. “Will this make you talk?”

Yuta looks at him with wide eyes, he was now scared shitless. “Why- how- who are you guys!” He exclaims. 

“The police mother fucker.” Johnny says. 

But despite everything, Yuta’s tactless mouth was definitely not his best asset. “I knew it. you looked too old to be a freshman.” He looks over at Johnny. “And you, I didn’t expect you to be a cop but you did give Narc vibes in that philosophy class.” 

Mark and Johnny give each other a look, they could not be sidetracked. 

“Are you done?” Johnny tells Yuta, and he simply nods. “So are you going to talk?”

“I’m telling you I don’t know! He never trusts me with his business, he says I have a big mouth.” 

Mark snickers, “I can tell.”

Yuta scoffs, and follows, “He’s been out often recently, but he never tells me where he’s going. So I don’t know what I can do for you.” 

“Listen here buddy,” Johnny warns. “If this gets to your parents that you’re involved with someone who supplies and distributes drugs, you’re going to get your entire family deported. Do you want that?” 

Yuta gulps, “No.” then helplessly says, “I don’t know how to earn his trust with these kinds of things. He’s known me since forever but-” 

“No buts.” Mark interrupts. “Use that head of yours or your ass is going back to Japan.” 

-------

Yuta had been on edge ever since that encounter with Mark and Johnny, now this entire thing would be up to him if he cooperated or not. Yuta’s heart had been lost a couple times, but it was definitely looking to be in the right place. So he’s trying his best to help out, even if it meant that he would have to turn in his best friend. 

When he gets the time to be alone with his thoughts he looks back at all the times that Jaehyun had made him feel like he wasn’t enough to be his friend. Not giving him a good position in football, walking out on him whenever he wanted to, keeping secrets from him. Maybe he was too busy trying so hard to be validated by Jaehyun that he never really got to realize that he lost himself in the process. Letting himself be trampled all over by everyone; this was his time to do something not just for himself, but for everyone else.

On the night when Jaehyun could not escape from Yuta’s presence any longer, he thought that it would be harmless to let his friend tag along for once. It’s not like he had other friends to be with, right? Right. Jaehyun could believe that if he wanted to. 

“I’m a bit sore today, you think you can drive me?” Jaehyun asks Yuta as they were walking in the parking lot after practice. 

To be fair, Yuta was sore too. But of course they wouldn’t care. “Alright, where to?” He still manages to say. 

“I’ll tell you along the way.” 

Yuta simply shrugs and Jaehyun tosses him his car keys, placing their gym bags at the trunk of his car. Jaehyun had given him directions while driving and it was somewhere he had never been and seen before. “Are you sure it’s here?” He says, trying to drive into a dark abandoned building with only the car’s headlights being the source of light. 

“Yeah yeah, wait for me here.” Jaehyun opens the door of the car and slips away from it. “Don’t worry, this place is safe.” He tells Yuta and shuts the door close. 

Yuta immediately whips out his phone, thinking that this might be his biggest clue and texts Johnny. 

I don’t know where I am, but I’m gonna send you my pinned location based on what my gps says alright? I think this was where Jaehyun had been going. 

Johnny immediately tells Mark about this and they immediately take their car to go to where Yuta had told them. 

 Rolan: Yuta, it’s not safe for you to stay there. Can you drive away and head back here? It would be better if we keep you alive. 

I guess I could, Jaehyun’s pretty far out now. I saw him go in somewhere, I’m sure you’ll find this entrance when you get here.

With that Yuta drives off and tries to find his way back to the campus, hoping that this would be successful for Mark and Johnny. He had such a strong feeling about this, everything could go right, or just extremely wrong. But he had to expect both to keep his feet on the ground. He did the right thing. He kept telling himself that. 

“Dude this place is sketchy as hell.” Mark says, looking around. “Do you think Yuta told us the truth? I mean he’s Jaehyun’s bestfriend right?”

“It wouldn’t hurt to try Mark, he seemed pretty genuine about it. Besides, all Jaehyun does is use him. I’m sure he’s tired of it.” Johnny says as they searched the place with their flashlights, their guns ready to fire if they ever go under attack. 

Finally, they find the entrance Yuta has been talking about, the chain attached to the door unlocked and loosened. When they get closer they arm themselves and keep their guard, Johnny kicks the door open and Mark could not believe what he had just seen. 

This couldn’t be. He kept repeating to himself, he didn’t want to believe that this was his reality. 

The reality that you were the one who was behind all of this.

“Hands up! We’re the police.” Johnny shouts, echoing throughout the entire warehouse. 

Mark gulps, he could not bring himself to move his feet and go closer. When you see him, you feel like you have been the biggest disappointment in someone’s life. “Kalen,” You plead with your hands up, terrified with the fact that Johnny had called off a warning shot, making you and Jaehyun back up. 

“Y/n.” Mark says, still struggling to get closer to you and lift his arm to aim his gun towards you. “Why- how could you?”

And you couldn’t answer him. The last thing you ever wanted to do was disappoint him, and yet you turned out to be every single disappointment that this world could think of. 

“Great.” Jaehyun says in anger, remorseful with the fact that both of you just got caught by the two people who had been the closest to you these past months. 

“Mark, come on. This is just as hard as it is for me than it is for you. We have to do this. It’s all we’ve been working for.” Johnny faces him, also extremely disheartened by this revelation.

Mark? His real name was Mark? “Who’s Mark?” You ask before he continues to approach you.

“Right. Now you know.” He takes a deep breath. He gets his handcuffs out of his pocket and races towards you before you could even get away. It was bizarre; how you even thought of escaping this. 

“You have the right to remain silent,” His hands shake while putting them against your back, “Anything that you say can and will be held against you in the court of law.” He swallows, and you sob. 

 “I’m so sorry I-” he cuts you off.

“You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you.” He concludes the Miranda rights and adds, “It’s one thing to disappoint me, but another to disappoint your father.”

-----end------

[breitzbachbea]

📓?? 👀

Okay, okay, okay, so -

Put “📓” or some other version of a book emoji into my inbox and I’ll explain the plot of a fanfiction that I haven’t written but daydream about.

The Ancient Olympics AU (which I talked about with @crispyliza )

This AU came into being after I relistened to the "The Ancient Olympics" episode of the history/comedy podcast "You're Dead To Me". It had the interesting information that a lot of Olympic winners actually came from Sicily & South Italy! So naturally I began to wonder what might have happened if my Sicilians ended up in Olympia ...

Dramatis Personae:

- Michele Vento (APH Sicily, my OC) as Trainer of the Bontade Twins - Marco & Lorenzo Bontade (Human OCs of mine) as Athletes from Syracuse - Herakles Karpuzi (APH Greece) as Athlete from Athens - Timothea Simonides (Human OC) as Herakles' Trainer - Omar Simonides (Human OC) as ... Good question? Co-Trainer to Thea ig

The Happenings™:

- Lorenzo and Marco want to compete in the upcoming Olympics as runners. Michele,probably a distant relative to them who lives close, becomes their trainer.

- The Sicilians roll up to Olympia, most likely a few days early because travelling is an adventure in these days and it doesn't hurt to have a few extra days to get accustomed to the terrain.

- Michele also definitely loses the Bontade twins 10 minutes after arriving at the sanctuary bc he wasn't looking for 0.5 seconds. So now he lost his boys at a place that currently contains approximately half of Magna Graecia.

- The reason he wasn't paying attention? Some athletes were preparing themselves nearby, bucknaked of course. Amongst them Herakles. Michele has always been a sucker for strong arms and legs, so that plus Herakles' beautiful face has him swooning from the get go.

- After he recollects his twins, they spend the next few days training, as do the other athletes, which is when Herakles notices Michele's looks.

- Christina (crispyliza) had the galaxy brain idea that Herakles intentionally flirts with Michele to sabotage the Bontades success at the games. It's an idea that he comes up with together with the Simonides - to be completely fair, it was probably Timothea's. Omar: "My, looks like you've got a fanboy." Herakles: "And what a pretty one at that." Timothea: "He seems to be a bit shy about it, though. Or maybe he's actually after those twin brothers?" (They figure out he's the Bontades trainer) Timothea: "Oh, he's a trainer! Pretty sucky at his job though if he's oogling the competition so much." Omar: "All the better for us, though." Timothea: -oil lamp ignites over her head bc light bulbs aren't invented yet-

- While we're at the Simonides: This was before it was mandatory for everyone to be naked, so Timothea managed to sneak into the games by posing as a man. Omar helps her with it, since he's trans and thusly got experience. Christina also had the hilarious idea of them having fake beards, which is just, YES. Timothea definitely cut her hair and they made whatever beard is in fashion in Athens at the time out of them. Their mother Natasa used to be a famed winner of the Heraea, the woman's games also held in Olympia.

- So let the games GreSic flirting begin

- The Problem: Michele doesn't want his boys to think he's betraying them for a rival athlete. He also really wants Herakles to rail him. The Solution: Find ways to be sneaky and secretive about it so the twins don't have to find out. Here is one of the possible scenarios I had for this: "When I first thought about this, I also had this scene in my head. Idk how accurate it works, bc it involves a tent and in the ydtm episode they didn't mention how people were housed during the games. (Like, I am sure there were guest houses, the temples probably offered some places to sleep, both of that but in upscale fancy for all the rich and important people attending yadda yadda.) Do you know that trope(?) when someone has sex but is trying to hide it? That. Just Michele sticking his head out of the tent, clutching at the fabric to keep everything else closed. Tells his twins, who looked for him, he is kind of busy rn. Tries is best to hide the fact of what is actually happening and to make them leave. It works. Kind of. Because as soon as they are gone, Michele sighs with a :| look and tells Hera to stop. "But why?" "Because you would have to nail every corner of this tent down and then they'd still find a way to spy!" Which is exactly what the twins ARE doing. They are trying their best to get an unnoticed peak from one place of the tent. But because it has to be subtle, all they get to see is feet and they either don't hear them or don't recognize Herakles' voice. I don't think he is the person to go out of his way to pick on people or pick fights in general, so they probably haven't had much interaction. So Michele smoothes out his chiton annoyed and leaves the tent, to then just stomp around enough for the twins to notice him and pretend they weren't doing what he knew they were doing."

- One day however, Marco & Lorenzo are missing their trainer and can't find him. They run into Thea & Omar, who are missing their athlete. Hm. Weird. Wonder what's that all about :)

- They end up catching Michele and Herakles in the act, just out there somewhere underneath a tree, which, naturally, makes the Bontades VERY upset. Lorenzo: "What do you think you are doing?!" Omar, in his head: 'Herakles, obviously.' Marco: "He's the COMPETITION, Michele!" Both: "You've left us all alone for THAT?!" Since the Simonides were in on the whole thing, they're not surprised just disappointed that Herakles vanished without a heads up. "Well, that ain't sprinting practice."

- The most hilarious thing is that could not even tell you who wins the race. I didn't even think about that part until yesterday. I'm kind of particular to the thought that it's somewhat of a photo finish with the three of them, but the twins come out on top. Since there can only be one winner, they flippantly let one of them be chosen by the equivalent of a coin toss. So technically, either Marco or Lorenzo has won, but they keep both parading around with the wreath and insist that the inscription to them mentions them both as winners. Now, if they got their way is another story, I didn't read any academic articles on this at. all.

- Second place is as good as last in the Ancient Greek world, but Herakles takes the loss in stride. Timothea is probably the one who's most upset. Marco: "Hah, so all your flexing - " Lorenzo: "and all your fucking for nothing in the end!" Michele: "Hey, I'd like to think I'm a reward in and of myself, not an obstacle."

Sequel Bait:

- Back home in Siracusa, Michele gets asked if he doesn't want to train his cousins, too. The ones from Neapolis. The ones Michele can't stand. However, his mother talks him into it and he agrees. Extra funny because Lovino & Feliciano were also talked into it by THEIR parents. So Michele spends the next four years butting heads with Lovino, knowing fully well their mother will rip his head off if they don't do well. Lovino is of course hiding his giant insecurities about disappointing his loving father & mother behind snark. Michele will arrive at Olympia with four athletes in two this time and looks like he aged 40, not 4 years from all the stress.

- Herakles is no competition this time, though! He wants to try his hand at wrestling this year. However, very quickly after his arrival, he butts heads with a fellow wrestler from one of the Greek colonies in Asia minor. Only thing's more annoying than his big mouth, which he shares with his wrestling buddy, are probably the flirtations coming out of it & Herakles can't wait to show him his place. (Yes, I do know that the Turkish people came into the area that is modern day Turkey far, far later, he should be of another ethnicity [and he gotta be Greek to participate, anyways] but. Is any of you really going to deny me Herakles and Sadık wrestling, bucknaked, covered in oil? I'd hope the fuck not.)

[peaches-writes]

syncopated

description: the 6 instances you and chan almost dated and the 1 drinking party when you asked him about them  member: bang chan genre: angst (?), fluff, college au, almost lovers au word count: 5.5.k warnings: explicit language, drinking

italicized text - present day

Y/B - your birthday

prologue

Minho clears the messy table in one swift motion—by that meaning he haphazardly pushes the half-empty bottles of soju and snack wrappers with one arm to pile on one side in order to make way for the mysterious object he hides behind his back. “Okay, let’s see if this is any good.” He mutters under his breath, thinking about how much he spent on the lie detector toy he places at the very center of the table. “Rock, paper, scissors on who starts the game?”

Though most on the table are already floating between being dead drunk and half-asleep, everyone eventually manages to put out a hand for the game, even Changbin whom you swear has been asleep for the past rounds of the mafia game. “Oh, also, penalty shot if the toy buzzes you!” Jisung slurs with a giggle as if it’s been the brightest thing he’s said throughout their entire party. “Rock, paper, scissors!”

In some five or six rounds (you lose count because of the amount of unrelated small talk in between), it then comes down to you and Chan.

“Do we move to the left or to the right of the first player?” Seungmin asks but no one answers.

Instead, Minho shrugs. “It’s whatever, we’ll decide later.”

Looking to your left across the table, Chan is surprisingly looking more sober than your seven other drinking buddies for tonight. He nurses a shot glass in one hand and his phone in the other, camera open in case Changbin does something stupid again since he’s suddenly woken up. "We could just do a coin toss.” 

“Nah, let’s just do a round of rock, paper, scissors. I don’t have coins with me, anyway.” You hold out your hand and he mimics your actions. “Rock, paper, scissors!” 

You pull paper and he pulls rock. 

“Ah, yes. perfect!” Hyunjin clasps his hands together and suddenly everyone seated on the table is awake, eyes directed to Chan whose right hand immediately gets strapped to the lie detector toy by an equally excited Minho. “Minho, should you ask him or should I?”

Before Minho could open his mouth to speak, however, a now very-much-awake Jisung beats him to it. “I’ll do it!” Seated next to you, he stands up and reaches to the lie detector, finger hovering above the button. “Bang Chan, did you or did you not have a serious crush on Y/N at one point?”

“Jisung, what the fuck?” You pull him back to his seat by the back of his shirt but he’s significantly faster, pressing the button on the lie detector toy before you could say more, a smug smile on his face. “Chan, you don’t have to answer, it’s cool.”

But everyone ignores you (even the man in question), looking on curiously and more awake now than ever. Briefly catching Chan’s eye, you see him contemplating with pursed lips and eyes trained down to the flashing lights of the toy, making it feel as if its ominous music is dragging on longer than usual.

“Well?” Seungmin urges on when the song seems to be coming to an end, uncharacteristically impatient when drunk.

“No?” And as if on cue, a buzz sound cuts the music as Chan’s hand is briefly electrified, his first instinct being to bring his hand closer to his chest with a wince. “Ow, shit!”

A beat of silence. No one says a word—you can barely read the expressions everyone else wears on their faces as Chan proceeds to take his hand off of the lie detector toy. 

“Oh shit, indeed.” Felix pours a shot glass of soju for Chan, sliding it to him from the other end of the table, before pouring one for himself. “I’m drinking to that.”

“Called it.” Jisung loudly whispers to Changbin who doesn’t even seemed fazed about what had just transpired—unlike you as you suddenly feel lightheaded with this new information. “Ya, Yang Jeongin, pay up!”

“What? I’m not paying up!”

Amidst the chaos that follows and the awkward energy that seems to bounce off between you and Chan, across from you, Minho suddenly thinks of what he considers his best drunken idea yet. “Hey, since Y/N’s here, how about a chance—trade the penalty shot for a question.” He suggests to Chan, effectively silencing the table once again. “If you answer the question, the penalty shot passes on to the next person.”

Looking at Chan, he squints his eyes, deep in thought. “I mean...”

“What can you say about Chan’s answer, Y/N?” Hyunjin dramatically holds a soju bottle to your direction like a gossip reporter. Everyone immediately turns from Chan to you.

“I—Well—“ You stutter out, finally catching Chan’s gaze again. “Is it true?”

“I only had happy crushes on you before, we already talked about that.” He awkwardly laughs, a hand to the nape of his neck in embarrassment as he turns to Minho. “Okay, I answered their question, can we move on to the next person?”

A chorus of ‘what?’s and ‘no!’s erupt around the table in reply, you can even see Minho shaking his head in disapproval and tsking at Chan. 

“Well, he did answer my question.” You try to come to Chan’s defense and he sends you a grateful smile you almost missed. “And we’ve talked about this before.” 

Well, sort of, if being dead drunk and admitting to having a happy crush on each other at another party a long time ago counts.  

But Hyunjin is quick to complain. “Come on, Y/N, that can’t be your question!” Hyunjin exclaims dramatically. 

Even Jeongin nods in agreement and you’re quick to glare at him at the feeling of betrayal. “Yeah, especially not after a juicy question!” He quips as well, adding salt to the wound. “We want an explanation!”

“Jeongin! I protected you during the mafia game!” “Y/N, my money’s also on the line here!” 

"Y/N, you should ask when exactly Chan had a crush on you.” Jisung suggests before raising his voice to your pitch in a bad imitation of you, “’Chan, when exactly did you have a crush on me?’” 

“Hey!” You call him out. “I don’t sound like that!” 

“Oh, look, Y/N just asked a great question!” Changbin follows after, ignoring your complaints that follow. “Care to answer, Chan?”

You wanted to say more, maybe even slap Changbin on the back for making Chan uncomfortable, but Chan waves his electrified hand dismissively to you and Changbin. “No, it’s okay, I can answer—if it’s okay with you, of course.” 

“N—” You shake your head no but Jisung is quick again to cover your mouth and interjecting (still in a bad imitation of you), “‘Sure, Chan!’” 

You swat Jisung’s hand away after, sending said boy in a fit of drunken giggles. “Chan —”

Without missing a beat, Chan begins with “Firstly during the freshman orientation.” that immediately silences you and the entire table.

Though being an even worse drunk at the other party, that definitely wasn’t what you talked about last time. 

“Firstly? So there’s a second? Ooh, I wanna know!” Hyunjin exclaims. 

Unbeknownst to you, Chan is feeling braver tonight than the last party. He initiates eye contact this time, silently asking if he can continue. Finally giving in out of intrigue, you nod in agreement. 

one - freshman orientation (4 yrs ago)

You sat next to Chan to his left on this day, wearing a striped black and white shirt and cuffed jeans that he didn’t know was a go-to until much later, after the MC, Jae, mixed the arrangement of the people in your circle. The game instruction was simple: to provide information on the person either to your left or right when the microphone is pointed at you. As the game progresses, the questions become more random and specific and people get eliminated if their guesses aren’t witty or close enough.

“Guys, are we ready?” Jae asks through his microphone, to which everyone replies with a chorus of ‘yeah’s and ‘yes’s as energetically as possible. “Alright, I’ll give you 2 minutes to talk to your seatmates! Go!”

You turned to the person on your left and so Chan turns to his right. You didn’t really have to, he finds out after the game, since you were already familiar with Mina whom you met on the much earlier university open house, and so you spent the remaining 1 minute and 40 seconds trying to memorize basic information about Chan after.

“So, Bang Chan or Chan, music prod major, birthday October 3, and you make music on Soundcloud with your friends.” Chan nods along happily to you summarizing what he just told you. “3racha, right?”

He nods one last time before pointing at you, “And for you, Y/N Y/L/N, broadcast major, birthday on Y/B, and we have Minho as a mutual friend.

“I think we’re ready.” You raise your hand for a high-five and he immediately receives it enthusiastically. “Later, when the questions get funnier, just nod along, okay?”

At that, Chan laughs amusedly. “Sure, okay.”

And then, the game starts.

-

“You really liked me then?” You ask in bewilderment, half your face distorted behind a glass of mule Seungmin poured for you as Minho, Hyunjin, and Jisung pressure Chan for more specific details.

“Of course, I did! Why are you judging me?”

“I thought you were trying to be cheeky then!”

-

After a few rounds, the questions are now completely random without any time to ask your seatmates. Chan gets picked first by the MC.

“Left, right, left, right, left, right, Chan, what are the last 2 digits of Y/N’s phone number?” The microphone is pointed then pointed to a startled Chan. 

You better give a witty answer, you think as if sending a telepathic message to him. Cruelly, Jae’s also twisted the game so that if he didn’t accept the answers, the person whom the question is about would also get eliminated.

And as if reading your mind, he doesn’t miss a beat in answering, “I’ll think about letting you know when I do get them—and the rest—later.”

Your entire circle erupts in cheers and whistles, even you laugh at his wit. When Chan glances over to you, you make sure to slap his arm. “Yah!”

“That was witty, though, wasn’t it?”

“You’re so confident about getting my number, huh?”

“Ah, well, can I?”

At the center of your circle, Jae asks (and thus interrupting you), “Will we accept that guys?” To which he’s immediately met with agreement. “Okay, fine, fine, we’ll take it!”

Turning to Chan when the game proceeds again, you conclude, “I’ll think about that later too.”

The two of you forgot to exchange phone numbers that day but you did get each other’s Facebook through Minho afterward. Chan only got your number during your first semester break. 

“Ey, we already know this one! What’s the second one?” Changbin waves Chan’s story dismissively.

By now, the truth or shot game that instigated this mess is almost forgotten despite being at the center of the table. Everyone listens intently to Chan as he recalls what he still considers to this day his best line.

“You act as if you’re the one being questioned.” You frown in disapproval.

“Yeah ‘cause unlike Jae we’re not taking this pick-up line!” Minho counters, if you consider such drunken slur as a comeback. “What about The Gig thing?”

You shrug, “What gig thing?” while Chan only looks at Minho to continue.

-

two - ‘the gig thing’ (10 months ago)

This was a time when everybody was undeniably stressed and burned out from academics, which should have been a given to you by then in your last stretch of 3rd year. Despite your teachers’ (poor) attempts at scheduling major projects, a handful of your most important deadlines were still due after the weekend which would mark 2 weeks before your finals. For this reason, you and Chan were on videocall the entire Friday night and Saturday early morning of said weekend, responsibly making sure to start what you can on your projects to feel less guilty about booking your entire weekend for leisurely activities.

Plus, Chan barely saw you outside of his classes for the whole semester since, after classes, he’s forced to work on his practical projects in his shared dorm with 3racha. The study buddy through videocall was also (secretly) an excuse to see you on his part. 

He missed you terribly then. 

The call was mostly quiet of conversation in the beginning, the only significant noise being the sound of the two of you typing on your respective laptops, the faint music of Chan’s practical project, and your mouse occasionally clicking on random Twitter posts whenever you start feeling drowsy. It was some time after midnight, when Chan was speeding through an idea for the chorus of his song, that you came across an interesting Twitter post.

“I sent you something on Messenger.” You hold your earphones’ mic closer to your lips, gaining Chan’s attention after a 2-second delay on his part. “It’s right across the new bookstore.”

The boy in question pauses his music, opening his laptop’s Messenger to see what you’ve sent. It was a poster for a prom-themed gig at a bar and grill right outside campus on Sunday night. Like you, what immediately caught his attention was the option to actually wear prom attire.

“Oh, this is cute.” He comments, more to himself than to you, after a while before looking up at you, a relatively large icon on the corner of his laptop despite the amount of files open on his home screen. “Do you want to go?”

You nod with a hum. “It sounds really fun!”

“You mean the optional dress code sounds really fun?” Chan snickers, knowing how much you feel the least stressed when you dress up. 

“Well, it’s not just that! The line-up looks promising too! And think about it, we could’ve met on your high school prom if Minho and I weren’t feeling too lazy to go. This could be like fulfilling a parallel universe possibility!”

Chan simply chuckles, ringing your ears with his tired laughter. You can’t help but laugh as well, finding your words a bit silly—but a 2 AM-appropriate type of silly. He never judges your humor. 

“Okay, we should go. Day6 and N.Flying are performing.” He concludes, making you squeal in satisfaction that momentarily startles him. Any excuse to see them before finals, he thinks to himself. “I don’t have a proper suit, though.”

“Not like I have flashy attire in my dorm, either.” You roll your eyes with a laugh. “Just pick out something nice—for buying books and dancing! If people do show up dressing too well, we can just say our prom’s theme was vintage.”

The two of you laugh even harder.

-

“Hey, how come, I didn’t know any of this?” Seungmin complains at the mention of his favorite alumni band.

“Did you want to 3rd wheel on dumb and dumber over here?” Minho points to you and Chan. “Anyway, point is, Jisung and I caught these 2 red-handed!” 

“Red-handed of what? Listening to music?” 

On one end of the table, Felix giggles. “If Minho and Jisung caught dumb and dumber, then doesn’t that make 3rd wheel and 4th wheel? Like a car?” 

“Slow dancing!” Hyunjin dramatically gasps at this new information from an equally dramatic exclaim coming from Minho. 

-

You had no idea why Minho and Jisung came to know of this particular gig since it’s a fairly small event (not even your resident social butterfly Hyunjin knew about it), arriving 2 acts before Day6 came on stage. When they arrived (and dressed to the nines for people you haven’t seen outside a studio for the entire semester, as well), you and Chan were dancing to a cover of ‘I Love You So’ by the Walters in a crowd of mostly friend groups enjoying the music and reliving actual prom memories, making the snooping pair easily identify you. 

It wasn’t like seeing you and Chan dance closely, one of his hands on your waist while the other is picking a thumb wrestling fight with one of your own, was something different for your friend group, they were all used to it to the point of frequently confusing the 2 of you for a couple before, but Minho and Jisung had knowing smiles on their faces when they approached the 2 of you, copying your position even when the song that follows is livelier. 

“Oh, look at that, a cute couple!” Minho pretends to see you for the first time while twirling Jisung. “Chan, Y/N, we didn’t know you’d be here!” 

“We didn’t know you’d be here either.” You comment, unsure if you were mortified of being caught slow dancing with Chan just now or of the fact that it was Minho and Jisung, the 2 people who knew your past happy crush phase on Chan, of all people. 

- 

“I actually texted Minho.” Chan adds sheepishly as he recounts your ‘prom’. 

“What?” “I just asked him what to wear then I...sort of let it slip what I was dressing up for.” 

“What about Jisung?” “Oh, don’t worry Y/N, Minho invited me to snoop around.” 

- 

"Alright, continue slow dancing like an old couple then, we just came over to say hi.” Jisung then tugs Minho closer to the crowd forming right below the stage. “C’mon, Minho, they’re offering discounted drinks for couples with good outfits!” 

 “Okay, have fun you two, and leave 6 inches in between for Jesus!” You hear Minho yell at you as he’s being pulled away, making you laugh. 

“What the fuck was that?” You roll your eyes when the pair have disappeared to the nearby bar. 

At this, Chan notices the next act setting up on stage, “Oh, hey, N.Flying’s on. Do you want to get closer to the stage?” 

You follow his line of vision, seeing your favorite band greeting everyone on stage. “Oh shit, you’re right, let’s go!” 

Chan followed you around the dance floor throughout most of the night, even with Minho and Jisung coming over to dance and tease you every now and then. 

“Are you guys satisfied yet?” Chan asks, downing what remains of his soju. “Are we still even playing truth or shot?” 

“I was there so I can provide expert testimony.” Jisung hiccups on his drink. “And I think you were just hung up on what happened at the Christmas party.”

“And what are you suggesting, Sung?” You challenge him, swiping away his drink before he completely passes out. 

“That Chan had the most intense crush on you throughout Christmas break because of what you did at the party!” 

“Ugh, not that!”

-  

three - radio club christmas party (1 yr ago)

Last year, the exchange gift method on your radio club’s Christmas party was patterned to cheesy high school promposals. The dramatic the gesture, the better. It was Jisung’s idea and your alumnae moderator, Younghyun, was more than happy to back him up because it was right up his type of humor.

On the day of the Christmas party itself at the radio station’s lobby, all members huddled over a table of food and gifts, wearing questionable attires and hiding equally questionable props in their school bags. 

“Ah, I’m so embarrassed! Y/N, quick, it’s your turn!” Mina exclaims, running to you as you giggle, clutching her gift to you in your arms. At this point in the party, Jisung had just danced to all girl groups imaginable for Ryujin until she accepted his Christmas present, Ryujin had everyone (led by Mina whom she picked) on a treasure hunt around the school oval, and Mina had prepared the cheesiest tribute video imaginable documenting your friendship for the past 3 years before handing you your present.

 “Don’t worry, I loved it.” You chuckle, hugging her with your free hand while she covers her face with your other arm. Eventually, she lets you when you gesture that you need to stand up. 

You take out the signs you’ve been secretly making for the past week along with the present you’ve prepared for Chan before proceeding to your makeshift stage of the words “MERRY CHRISTMAS” in glittery buntings, a small Christmas tree decorated with any figurines but actual Christmas-related ones, and an oddly detailed portrait of Santa Clause. “I didn’t have the remaining braincells to think of something witty.” You chuckle, to which everyone follows along. “Which is especially disappointing since the person I’ve picked was being very witty when we met.” 

“But I know this person cried over Love, Actually, on last year’s Christmas party so I’m taking advantage of that.” Everyone but Chan laughs at this, already knowing that it’s him you’re referring to. 

So you turn to him, a mix of surprise, amusement, and secondhand embarrassment evident on his face, as you flip the signs you hold in time with your following words, “Christmas, love, gifts, festivities, and carols.” You cringe internally at your next words, hands visibly shaking as you flip to the last pair of signs, the one you just made (and decorated excessively) last night. “These are really pretty words but the prettiest word would be your yes when you agree to receive my gift as your Secret Santa this year.” 

Everyone bursts laughing, even you as you approach the now flustered Chan with your gift. He takes a moment to take his gift, too busy covering his reddened face as everyone else tries catching their breath, which allows you time to fan your own flushed face and calm your rapid heartbeat. 

“You have to say yes Chan!” Changbin scolds the older boy when he finally takes the gift from your hands. 

“No, it’s okay.” You wave your hand dismissively in front of the two before sitting down. 

“This is promposal-themed and you asked a yes so we need to hear a yes!” Jisung, ever the instigator of all of your troubles. 

“Chan, do you accept?” Mina asks in between laughs. 

“Y-Yes.” Chan manages to stutter out before breaking into more excited laughs. 

- 

“Ah, I think I do have to pay up.” Jeongin comments, feigning sadness. You glare at him. But then, he suddenly turns hopeful, “But then, Seungmin has to pay up too!” 

“What now this time?” You send daggers across the table to Seungmin who sips his soju with wide eyes. “Has everyone been betting on us this entire time?” 

“Just a couple...” Seungmin continues to sip on his soju slowly like he’s drinking tea. “Whether any one of you two has as ever had a serious crush on the other.” 

“Seungmin has to pay up because he thinks that you never had a serious crush on Chan because I know for a fact, as your neighbor, that you had a serious crush on Chan during that Christmas and before that.” 

“What?!” The entire table is quick to exclaim, even Chan who almost spat his drink on Minho. 

“Yah Yang Jeongin!” You hiss in an attempt to reach across the table before Changbin and Jisung managed to hold you down on your seat. 

“Tell us more, Jeongin.” Hyunjin now has his soju bottle pointed at the youngest. 

four - second year semester break (2 yrs ago)

Chan offered to help you prepare for an internship and treat you with coffee on the first day of your semester break, mostly on Changbin’s insistence since the older boy’s been cooped up in their dorms for the past month despite his deadlines being close to Christmas break. You were supposed to go home for the 2-week break, actually, but Jeongin tipped you off on a flyer he saw on his department building the other day for an internship that suited you better, the deadline of submissions being on the last day of the break. 

Plus, Changbin and Jisung needed someone to watch over Chan and make sure he’s not staying inside all the time. 

And so, the two of you sat outside the Starbuck’s inside campus, papers and laptops carefully laid around your coffee cups on the round table. You give Chan a book to occupy himself with in place of his laptop he usually looks at 24 hours a day while you worked on your internship application. 

 After a while, however, Chan decides on putting down the book to watch you fill out your form and research on the place you were applying for. 

“What?” You look up at him from your laptop. His coffee cup has been empty for a while and the book you lent him, an old copy of Pride and Prejudice, sits next to it with a bookmark halfway through. “Bored already?” 

“Do you need help?” He asks. “It’s not that Pride and Prejudice is boring, no offense, it’s just that I feel so...so idle.” 

“You sit for hours in one spot when you make music too, what gives?” You shrug with a teasing smile. 

He shrugs as well, not exactly sure of himself. “It’s like...I’m starting to have ideas while being outside but they’re not clear yet, while sitting here.” 

“Ah...” You nod understandingly. “Tell you what, I’m almost done with this actually so why don’t we go to the campus oval? Some kids play frisbee there on weekends, plus the sun’s warmest there around this time.”

“Really?” His eyes widen at the suggestion. 

You chuckle. “Sure. You need to explore around your own campus more anyway.” 

When you were finished with your papers, you took Chan to the campus oval and sat on the grass, watching some families play frisbee. 

- 

“That sounds suspiciously like a date.”  Hyunjin comments. “What can you say on this, Chan?” 

“It was a hangout.” Chan hesitantly corrects. 

“A babysitting job, more likely.” You add to which Changbin and Chan both laugh knowingly. 

- 

“So is this a date?” Chan asks you later that day. 

“You didn’t ask me out to this as a date.” You counter immediately. “Plus, I was working most of the time.” 

Chan shrugs. “But if it were, would you have considered it?” 

He was walking you back to your dorms and you realized that wording it that way (along with your current conversation) made it seem that you were just on a date, the thought suddenly lingering in your thoughts more than you wanted it to. “Maybe? I don’t know, Chan...” You conclude, trailing off. “You’re a cool person, though...”

“Should I try better next time?” “If you’re ever going to ask someone out, make sure to tell them your exact intentions, please, you’re a Libra for God’s sake.” 

That seems to diffuse the sudden tension between the two of you as Chan laughs. “Okay, noted.” 

Chan still thinks about this to this day every time he asks you to hangout alone and you vented out your conflicting feelings to Jeongin later that night. 

“Anything else, Jeongin?” Hyunjin asks. 

“Oh, hey, I remember something!” Changbin exclaims. “How could we miss Chan’s birthday from 3 years ago?” 

- 

five - chan’s birthday (3 yrs ago) 

You’ve never heard of the paranoia game until Chan’s birthday when Minho suggested it and called on all of Chan’s guests to participate. “Rules are simple.” The unofficial MC announced over his bottle of soju like a microphone. “I start by picking out someone and asking them a question in private. They answer by choosing another person then we do a coin flip if the person I asked reveals the question or not. And it goes on and on and on!” 

The game does goes on and on but it only seemed endless because every time Minho flipped a coin, it would always land on the choice to not reveal the question, frustrating everyone to no end. 

“This game should have some drama but the drama’s not coming.” Sana frowns next to you while Felix whispers something in Chan’s ear at the center of the circle. 

“I know.” You agree, that is, until you see Chan approaching you from the corner of your eye. 

He extends a hand out to help you stand up. Behind him, everyone cheers for a reason you weren’t aware then (only to later find out that almost everyone you knew confused the two of you for a couple). So, reluctantly, you accept his hand, standing up and following him to the center of the circle without even noticing that he didn’t let go of your hand until Minho tossed a coin. 

“Ah, goddamn it!” Minho groans. “Stupid coin doesn’t want to reveal the stupid questions!” 

“Ey, everyone knows what the question is anyway.” Changbin dismisses. 

“I don’t know.” You mutter under your breath which Chan immediately catches. 

“Ah, you don’t have to know.” He hurriedly tells you with flushes cheeks. 

- 

“We didn’t miss that, fool, that was what Chan and Y/N were talking about when they said they’ve talked about this before.” Seungmin points out. 

You shake your head disapprovingly, “Okay, I’ve had enough. Can we talk about something else?” You push the lie detector toy to Minho. “Since you started this mess, come on, Lee, I dare you.” 

epilogue - chan’s birthday party (3 yrs ago)

The party was slowly dying down at around 3:15 AM, when your Uber messaged you in the middle of an intimate conversation with your friends. “My Uber’s here.” You announce softly over the acoustic music playing from Changbin’s phone, standing up afterwards to straighten out your attire. Turning to Chan you add, “I’m heading out, happy birthday again, Chan.” 

“Wait, let me see you out.” The birthday boy in question follows your actions after.

“You don’t have to.” “I insist, it’s late and there could be creeps out on the street.”

He sends you a persistent look and you give in tiredly. “Okay, fine. Let’s go.” The group then proceeds to bid you goodbye in hugs and ‘goodnight’s before Chan escorts you out of his dorm. 

You reach the elevator in no time, finding its lights harsh against the soft light of the hallway your eyes have been accustomed to throughout your walk. 

“Thanks for coming, by the way.” Chan decides to speak up once the elevator door closes. His dorm is on the topmost floor, the elevator ride down taking around 3 minutes since the elevator itself’s already rusty and has a tendency to stop on floors for no reason. 

"Of course.” You nod. “Wouldn’t want to miss out on Seungmin’s first alcoholic drink.” 

Chan laughs with you at this but both of you can unconsciously agree that there was an awkward tension in the air. “Listen, about the paranoia game a while ago...” He starts, trailing off when you finally turn your head towards his direction. 

You pretend to be nonchalant about it, shrugging, “What about it?” 

“It just seems like the question Felix asked me bothers you.” 

You try to smile reassuringly. “I’m sure Felix doesn’t talk shit about me behind my back...unless of course he told you something embarrassing then that would be a different story!” 

The elevator dings! and opens on the wrong floor. Chan is quick to press on the lobby button again. “Well, since it’s just us...he just asked me to pick the person whom I have a happy crush on.” 

He said it casually as he can, with the best attempt he had of ignoring his rapid heartbeat and clammy hands, almost missing the way your eyes widened in the brief silence that followed.

“Y-You? Have a crush on me?” You repeated in disbelief, a bit breathless for no reason. “Wow...” 

“Yeah but it’s just a happy crush, though!” He’s quick to clarify, hands waving frantically around while he speaks. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.” 

“No, no, it’s cool, it’s cool.” You assure him, cringing internally at repeating your words. “I had a happy crush on you too some time ago so it’s...it’s cool.” 

“Really?” You nod at his question. 

“I don’t have a happy crush on you now, though, if that’s what you’re thinking.” You chuckle awkwardly. 

Finally, the elevator door opens to the lobby. You quickly step out. 

“I think it’d be weird.” You add, though deep inside you knew it felt weird saying that out loud. “Similar friend groups and all.” 

Chan nods in agreement. “Right! Right.” 

“So...this is me, unless you want to escort me to the Uber?” You call for your Uber driver’s attention, signalling for him that you’ll be there in a second. “I’ll just text you the plate number and everything in case something happens.” 

“Okay.” He nods again. “Go home safe and remember to text me.” 

“Yup! Goodnight, Chan.” You smile at him one last time, though it feels heavy somehow (it still does to this day). “Happy birthday...well, belated.” 

“Thanks.” He returns your smile. “Goodnight, too.” 

When you arrived home, you made sure to text Chan again with a goodnight message and a happy birthday, ending it with the sloppy ‘I hope we’re still good friends after this’ remark that you’ve long deleted from your phone history. 

Of course, Chan read and re-read this message until morning.

[isolemnlyswearpevensie]

And This Is How It Starts | Susan Pevensie x Reader Soulmate AU

Warnings: Slight homophobia, shitty friends???

Time/Era: Modern AU

Word Count: 1.9k

Summary: Everything your soulmate loses, you receive. Turns out, Y/N’s soulmate is very forgetful. 

Request: helloo. can you write a sapphic susan fic please! take it whatever way you'd like :)

A/N: I’m not sure how many people read Susan fics, but I really like this one :D

masterlist | narnia playlist | read on ao3

“Gross, can you guys please cut it out?” Y/N stated, watching her best friend suck faces with her soulmate. She was on his lap and their make out session was starting to grow more intense than Y/N was comfortable with. Hannah pulls away from Alex with an exaggerated groan. 

“You’re just jealous you’re still stuck in the ‘lose it and receive it’ phase. Not my fault you haven’t found him yet.” Her voice was light and teasing, but Y/N couldn’t help but fell her heart rip. 

“I’ll find her eventually,” Y/N sighed, taking a book out of her schoolbag. It was a small, very beat-up copy of The Hunger Games. 

“Her?” Alex responded, tearing his gaze from Hannah’s face. “How do you know it’s a her?” 

Y/N opened the book delicately to reveal “Susan Pevensie” written in perfect cursive on the back of the front cover. The book had multiple stains on it, most likely tea judging by the color, and the same perfect cursive riddled the pages. Whoever Susan was, she adored this book with her life. Y/N’s fingertips lightly traced the writing before turning the book for her friends to see. Hannah scrunches her face at it. 

“It could be his friends, you know. Like she lent it to him and he lost it,” Alex kisses Hannah’s cheek. 

“Or this Susan girl is his girlfriend,” Hannah smirks.

“Or,” Y/N was growing frustrated. Whenever she hinted that her soulmate might be a girl, everyone dismissed her suspicions. “My soulmate is Susan Pevensie and she keeps losing her things. And besides, this book is really loved, she wouldn’t just give it to someone.” 

Hannah scoffed, tossing her hair in a very I know everything, and you don’t kind of way. “Fine, believe what you want. Not sure why you would want a girl soulmate anyway, I know I wouldn’t.” 

“Well, yeah, of course you don’t. You’re straight,” Y/N flipped to a random page and read the gorgeous handwriting that was scrawled in the margins. Her mouth twitched slightly at how perfect the script was. 

“What? And you aren’t?” 

“No, I’m not.” Y/N’s eyes didn’t move from the page as she spoke. The teens sat in silence. “Is there a problem?” 

“No! No, of course not,” Alex answered quickly. ‘I guess we just, uh, didn’t expect it… I guess.” 

“Well, surprise. Now that that’s out of the way, do you guys like The Hunger Games?” 

The two grew even more uncomfortable at the sudden tension they were feeling. “No, not necessarily.” 

“She seems to. A lot. And there’s a cute little strawberry bookmark on page 47,” Y/N sighed dreamily picturing what Susan must look like. Based on her cursive alone, she must be absolutely jaw-dropping. 

“Has, er, Susan lost anything else recently?” Alex asked. Y/N nodded excitedly, digging in her bag again. She pulled out a set of keys with a feather pendant keychain, a light pink lipstick, a glass water bottle, and a small fabric coin purse. Y/N grinned down at the items then looked back towards her friends. 

“Oh, she must be quite forgetful. Do you have any other stuff?” Y/N’s grin brightened even more. 

“Oh, loads, this is just what she’s lost within the past week,” The keys jingled as she moved her hands. “The keys must’ve really ruined her day. I wonder what they’re to.” 

“Hopefully somewhere in England. Where’s the money from?” Hannah gestured to the yellow coin purse. Y/N shrugged and tossed it towards her friends. It was rather small, barely the size of Y/N’s palm, and it had a gorgeous diamond quilt pattern. 

“No clue. I haven’t opened it if I’m being quite honest.” Alex’s noble fingers undid the clasp and looked inside. 

“Well, it’s definitely British currency, which is helpful.” He tipped the pouch and emptied the contents into his hand. As expected, a variety of different coins came toppling out, along with a folded piece of paper and various pins. “Can I have this?” 

“No, you cannot have my soulmate’s belongings. Give me that,” Y/N grabs ahold of all the bag and its contents. With her hand cupped like a funnel, the pins and money fall smoothly into the coin purse. Y/N discards the pouch into her bag and begins to unfold the paper. 

She had expected the paper to be riddled with text, like a to-do list or a small reminder. Instead, it appeared to be a little photograph of a family. The paper itself seemed to be fragile as if it had been handled a lot or had gotten wet, so Y/N handled the photo with care. 

The scene depicted the smallest of the group, a little girl, giggling up at the oldest as the other two looked on with large smiles. Y/N turned the photo to look at the back, just in case any date was included with the photo. In the same gorgeous script as the book, Lucy laughing at Peter because Ed insulted him “in the name of justice.” June 15  was written in black ink. Y/N turned the picture over frantically and scanned the faces of the family. 

Susan was absolutely beautiful; her dark brown hair was styled in effortless waves and her lips were painted with a cherry red color. Her eyes were wrinkled in the corners, due to her contagious smile, and she looked like she was filled to the brim with happiness. Y/N had never seen such gorgeous baby blue eyes. 

The poor girl was speechless, her mind running a mile a second and vision focusing on only Susan’s portrait. 

“She’s gorgeous,” Y/N murmured breathlessly. 

“Who is?” 

Y/N looked up at her friends, turning the photo to show them. 

“Susan, my soulmate.” 

~ 

Susan read over the essay that sat in her lap, taking in every detail of the writing. It wasn’t hers, but it was her soulmate’s misplaced homework. The topic wasn’t overly exciting, an analysis of a book Susan hasn’t read, but just the way her soulmate wrote captivated her. Y/N L/N, which was the name written on the top of the paper, had such a poetic way of writing. It was as if she was telling Susan a story, rather than writing about an 18th century novel. 

“Reading the essay again, are we?” Peter snickered from next to her. Susan would have hit him with the paper, but she didn’t want to risk damaging it. 

“Yes, what’s the problem with that?” 

“Nothing, Su, I just don’t think rereading missing homework is going to bring Y/N any closer to you. It’s over a year old.” Peter had found his soulmate when he was young, so he didn’t quite understand his siblings’ desire to find their other halves so quickly. 

“Not physically, but I already know a lot about her from this one paper. I know her handwriting, how she talks, the way she feels about some things…” 

“Yeah, how she feels about classic literature. Not exactly groundbreaking.” Peter sunk deeper into the couch cushion in an attempt to get comfortable. 

“Maybe not to you, but to me it is. You don’t have to be such a happiness drain, you know.” Susan was growing more frustrated by the minute. She didn’t want her older brother to snatch the paper away from her, so she gently creased it and placed it into her notebook. 

“I’m just taking the piss.” 

“Well, it’s not funny. And shouldn’t you be doing your wash? We leave for school tomorrow.” Susan stood up, lifting her bag off of the floor and onto her shoulder. 

“Yes, alright mother.” 

~

“Y/N! Are you coming?” Hannah hollered over her shoulder. She was walking towards the train station with a large group of her friends. Y/N waved her off. 

“I’ll meet you there! Save me a seat, yeah?” Hannah shrugged her off and continued the conversion she was more invested in. 

Y/N sighed, watching their backs disappear into the distance. She never quite liked the group Hannah was friends with, so them leaving her out never quite bothered her. Especially when she could get sandwiches for the train ride. 

The teen was waiting at a crosswalk when she spotted her. Susan was stood at the newspaper stand outside of the corner store Y/N was going to. She looked stunning as she flipped idly through a Vogue magazine. The sun shone across her hair and Y/N thought she looked similar to an angel. 

When the light turned green, Y/N scurried across the street in order to meet her love. However, she paused a few paces away to steady her breathing. 

“Excuse me, are you Susan Pevensie?” Y/N spoke, voice shaking. Susan turned around, utterly confused. Y/N was right in her assumption; Susan was in fact an angel. An angel that looked even more heavenly in person. 

“Yes, and may I ask who you are? And how you know my name?” 

“Oh, right, um I’m Y/N L/N. I’m not sure if you know who-” Susan’s eyes widened and she couldn’t help but cut Y/N off. 

“You’re my soulmate.” Her red lips were slightly agape as she took in Y/N’s appearance. “Excuse my bluntness, but you’re even prettier than I imagined.” 

Y/N’s cheeks grew hot and her fingers fumbled with the buckles on her bag. She was much more nervous than she had hoped, but Y/N couldn’t help it. Once the bag was open, she gripped Susan’s possessions and held them out. 

“You need to keep better track of your things, love.” Susan’s perfectly manicured fingers brushed Y/N’s as she took back her book and keys. Y/N’s legs felt like jelly. 

“How could you possibly know what I looked like?” 

“You lost a picture of your family. Well, I suppose a coin purse with a picture folded inside. Still, a picture was lost and I saw it.” Y/N rambled, making Susan giggle. “I’ve been looking for you for ages,” 

“And I you, darling.” Susan placed her belongings into her bag and embraced Y/N. Y/N didn’t quite know what to do; Susan smelt of rose petals and honey and her hair was so soft as it brushed against Y/N’s cheek. All the same, Y/N wrapped her arms loosely around Susan’s waist. 

“Am I allowed to kiss you?” She whispered into Y/N’s ear. Y/N could have fainted on the spot, but she squeaked out a small yes. 

Susan kept her arms wrapped around Y/N’s neck as she kissed her gently. Y/N’s thumbs danced across the floral patterned fabric that covered her hips as she kissed back. It was light and fleeting, but it still made Y/N feel like she was going to burst. The pair pulled away and looked into each other’s eyes. Susan’s were even bluer in person. 

“Can I buy you a sandwich?” Y/N croaked, cutting the tension. Susan giggled happily. 

“As long as you let me cover the dessert.” 

[saltedpeppermintmocha]

into the night (bakugou x reader) - Chapter 5/?

Summary:

You were born to die.

It is a fact you’ve known since your quirk first manifested, and one you have been denying for just as long. You refuse your supposed fate and try to live the best life you can while remaining undetected.

But maybe fate has another plan. A chance encounter on a mountainside changes your life forever.

Chapter One

MATURE : MINORS DO NOT INTERACT // 18+

Your eyes lock with red ones.

They widen, flickering down your dusty uniform and back up to whatever shocked expression is definitely on your face right now. For a moment, you are sure he is about to say something, but it never comes. Instead, the ground vibrates violently all around you and he breaks eye contact to look back down the street. In the distance, you can see one of the cloth dolls, closer than before. He doesn't look back, just takes off in a burst of smaller explosions.

A cough behind you brings you back quickly to the more important matter at hand. You turn around. “Eito, are you okay?” You ask, looking him over. The man coughs a bit, also covered in debris dust, and holds up a thumbs up. You rush to his side, taking his post beside the patient, and begin to pack the wound, applying pressure when necessary.

The battle now behind you must be getting closer. The ground vibrates more often around you, and explosions sound more intense than before. A shadow passing over makes you look up. A male hero with messy black hair and a green vest is blown through the air, crashing into a building further down. It looks extremely painful, but the hero appears again soon enough and runs back into the fray.

“Shit.” Eito coughs a bit more, watching the action as it continues.

Why isn’t anyone here yet? The location isn’t that far from the path you all already took. It shouldn’t be that difficult to find with the flare. You look desperately down the street in the direction you came from, eyes searching for any signs of help. There is a lot of smoke, but you’re not sure where it's coming from. Did something happen? If extraction was impossible, you would get a radio notice. So why haven’t you?

The radio.

You reach down to your side, grasp at the radio, and bring it up. It’s still working, the sturdy material is not damaged in the action. Turning it on, you radio out to your coworkers. It takes a minute before you get a response. You ask for an update or an estimated time of arrival.

The voice on the other end is choppy. “Did you…flare?”

“Yes.”

“Can’t…” It cuts out entirely. A moment later. “...smoke.”

You glance down at the patient. Time is ticking for him. Three options left: leave, stay, or split up. It’s a dangerous and risky move to split up in the middle of a battlefield like this. The smart move would be to call it a loss, to leave together. You know that. But you can’t just leave the patient here. He’s alive. He has a fighting chance.

You speak into the radio. “Sending help.”

But, who stays? Who goes? The person who leaves faces an unknown future. You have no idea what is happening behind all that smoke. Maybe it's okay, or maybe the streets and buildings are crumbling, or maybe there is another battle going on just beyond that veil of smoke. There’s no way to know.

You glance back at the battle raging behind you. It’s definitely getting closer. It won’t be too much longer before it’s practically on top of you. That comes with its own set of risks, and it’ll take someone used to this type of environment in order to make the final call on when to stay and when to give up. In the end, there isn’t a choice.

“Eito.” You look over. “You gotta go.”

“What?” His eyes go wide.

“Somethings wrong, they didn’t see our flare. Go get them, lead them back here.” He looks like he wants to argue, like he doesn’t want to leave you, but nods anyway. Standing up, he gives you one last look before rushing down the street. You watch him until his back disappears. You hope he’ll be okay. You hope he’ll be back in time.

You look back down at the patient, now-bloody hands holding his chest to stem the blood. The wound seems to be doing better after the packing, but it still presents the most immediate medical threat to the man. You’re not sure how much blood he lost in total, or how much more he can stand to lose. Biting your lip, you consider using your quirk. It’s a coin toss, really. It could solve most of your problems, it could solve the immediate threat, and give the patient more time to live. Or it could turn one patient into two.

“Fucking-WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?!” You startle from your thoughts, looking up at the loud voice. Ground Zero flies overhead in a burst of orange light, landing on a large piece of debris a few meters away.

You open your mouth to reply, accidentally breathing in a mouthful of dust disturbed by his explosions. Crouching, you use one hand to hit your chest and the other to gesture down at the patient. You hope he understands.

“GO!” The blond gestures angrily and turns around, facing the looming threat. You put your hands back on the patient's chest and follow his line of vision. It’s close enough that you can see the hero with the black hair and green vest fighting. The man slams his hands on the ground and vibrations echo through the area. Another hero, a blond woman dressed in blue, runs around the base of the cloth doll. Ground Zero heads back into battle.

You look back at your patient. He’s pale but still breathing. You apply a snug pressure dressing over the packed wound and are able to let go. If the transport gets here soon, he’ll live. That’s not a medical diagnosis by any means, but something you feel in your gut. Maybe it’s just your stupid hope.

Still, the battle rages around you as the cloth doll takes another large step in your direction. You glance around at your potential escape routes and hiding areas if it were to get much closer. Other than monitoring the wound, there is not much else you can do at the moment for the patient. You look up at the battle.

The blue and green heroes run around the cloth doll, inflicting damage. It trips, but stands up and attacks another building. Ground Zero flies around the top, blasting the doll with explosion after explosion. The doll is mostly black from the attack, and partially on fire. Still, it continues to take another step in your direction. One massive hand flies up, hitting Ground Zero from the air. The blond goes flying back over the top of you, steadying himself with some well-placed blasts.

“MOVE IDIOT.” That angry yell is as clear as day. He pauses over top of you, looking down. Too far away to see his face. You shake your head slowly. No. You are not leaving him yet. There is still time. Curses rain down upon you in that gruff voice as he turns back towards the puppet, blasting into battle.

A yell from behind you grabs your attention. You turn around. A figure runs towards you from the smoke followed by one more...two more, both carrying a stretcher. Relief hits you smack in the chest. Shit, they made it.

Your team makes quick work in mobilizing the patient, working together seamlessly to deposit him on the stretcher and lift him up. Eito acts as a lookout as the three of you begin to carry him out of the attack area. Soon enough you see the ambulance lights ahead, a bit surprised to see an additional vehicle at the scene. They must have called for backup when they didn’t see your flare.

You all work quickly to get the patient into the free ambulance and jump in yourself. You end up staying beside the patient to monitor him as the others jump into the back and front, running different assessments that you couldn’t in the field as the vehicle begins to drive.

Honestly, he looks horrible. He is extremely pale, blood pressure and heart rate low. Despite your gut feeling in the field, he might not make it. His body is trying too hard to do everything at once. You and Eito work hard to stabilize him as much as possible but, it might just be too much. He’ll make it to the hospital, but after that, you don’t know.

Something tugs at your chest. Patients don’t always make it, you know that. You’ve had your fair share of patients you’ve saved die at the hospital, as well as those who die before they even make it. You feel for every one of them, for their families and loved ones. But something about this patient just makes you need to save him. You wonder why.

No, you know why. Now that you have a moment to breathe, you can’t help but realize the similarities. You flashback to a month ago, sitting in an ambulance and doing the same assessments on a patient less than half your age. The kid had gotten caught up in a villain attack and had been hit by some sort of emitter quirk in the chest. You had done everything you could and had been relatively confident as you loaded him in the ambulance.

He hadn’t made it to the hospital. His body went into sudden shock and there had been no way to bring him back. That was it.

You cried harder that night than you had in years. The next day, you went to your boss and demanded your vacation.

Now, your first time back in the field, you’re facing another chest wound. Another race against time. You always want to save patients, but you need to save this one. Reaching forward, you take the pressure dressing off. Eito gives you a weird look, turning to alarm when you begin to take out the wound packing.

“What are you doing?!” An appropriate response, really.

“We need new packing.” Wrong. Very wrong. “Can you grab some more?”

It's a testament to both just how new he is to the job and how nervous he is that he doesn’t question your order and simply turns to grab more dressing. This would not have worked with any of your other coworkers.

The second he looks away, you reach out a hand and place it on the patient's chest. Even if things go wrong, you’ll be okay. You’re on the way to the hospital anyway, right? Focus.

Pain sears through your chest. White. Hot. Nausea threatens to overwhelm you. You try to ignore it, continue until you feel the wound close beneath your hand. Something runs down your chest. Liquid. Your uniform begins to stick to you.

Eito turns back, immediately screaming out your name. You can’t say anything, the pain is too much.  The man appears at your side, his mouth moves, but all you can hear is ringing.

Your vision goes black.

---------

Waking up in the hospital is never a great experience. Waking up alone in the hospital is even worse. You immediately register a lack of pain, probably from the drugs. You take a moment to orient yourself, looking around the room and remembering exactly why you are here. Reaching over, you press the button to call a nurse.

It’s daylight. Probably the next day. There doesn’t seem to be any cloth dolls roaming the streets from what you can see, so the heroes must have won. For once, you’re actually tempted to figure out what happened.

The nurse appears quickly, looking relieved that you are awake. He begins his own assessments, checking your vitals and asking some questions. He is satisfied with your results and answers, informs you that the doctor will be here to check up on you in a minute, and leaves.

You spend the next however-as-long staring out the window. You’re on a high floor, with a pretty nice view of the city. Your thoughts run slower than normal, but you wonder about your coworkers, the patient, and even the heroes. You hope they’re all okay. You’ll have to ask as soon as possible.

A knock on the door brings your attention to the doctor standing inside the room. She must have walked in without you noticing. She smiles at you and introduces herself.

“As you know, you suffered a deep chest wound due to impact trauma.” She explains, speaking in layman's terms. It’s probably a habit, but you’re too tired to correct her. “We were able to stitch you back up and get you stable. Now that you’re awake, I have full confidence that you’ll make a successful recovery. You’ll have to stay a few days for monitoring, but we’ll get you home soon enough.” You smile and thank her for her work.

“It is a bit strange though.” The doctor continues, looking down at her clipboard. “Your wound appeared under your uniform, but your uniform itself wasn’t damaged at all.” She looks up at you for an explanation, brows furrowing.

“Hah, that's weird.” You mutter, looking away. A moment of awkward silence, then you continue. “Do you know what happened to the other patient taken in at the same time?”

“I cannot tell you the status of other patients, my apologies.” She replies. Incorrect, in a way. You will find out the moment you flash your badge, but you don’t fight it. “Did you know him?”

“Uh, no.” You reply. “I was one of the EMTs that brought him in.”

The doctor looked shocked. “You're...an EMT?” She asked, looking down at her clipboard. She flips to the other side, narrows her eyes, and lets out a frustrated breath. “Why does nobody ever fill these out correctly?!” She mumbles, reaching into her pocket and grabbing a pen. She scribbles something on your chart.

“I’m sorry about that.” She finally looks back up, seemingly a bit embarrassed that she’s been speaking to another medical professional in layman's terms. “I didn’t know. They filled in your occupation as a student.”

“It’s okay.” You give a small smile. “Guess I should be happy they thought I was young enough.” Oh, that was a bad attempt at a joke. Damn.

She places your chart in the holder near the foot of the bed. “The other patient you came in with is being looked over by another doctor. I’ll get the information for you. For now though, just rest. You know how important this stage is.” She leaves soon after that.

You glance at the tv, considering. The news would be on, likely covering the attack in full. But you can feel the drug-induced drowsiness begin. It won't be long before you’re asleep. Turning on the tv doesn’t seem worth it. You look back out the window and daydream.

It takes less than five minutes before you fall back asleep.

You drift in and out of sleep for a while after that, never knowing exactly how long you were asleep for. Sometimes you are awake for longer, as the painkillers stop working and you have to call a nurse for more, and sometimes you are awake for only a minute or two.

The doctor does come back one of these times. As she adds more painkillers to your system, she informs you of the other patient. Apparently, he is stable, and in good condition, although he hasn’t woken up. The doctor in charge of him doesn’t seem to be concerned.

Hearing that is like a weight off of your back. He lived. You did your job and he lived. There were no casualties on your watch. While it doesn’t absolve you of your lingering feelings of regret towards the kid, something inside of you feels just a little more ‘right’ after hearing that. The doctor leaves as you fall back asleep, feeling much better than before.

-------------

You are startled awake by a loud sound.

“Where the FUCK is she?!” A familiar gruff voice. You blink yourself into more consciousness and glance around. Your room is still empty, the screams coming from the hallway.

“Sir! You need to calm down!” Another voice.

“Then tell me where she is!”

“Sir! You’re not allowed to-”

The voice cuts off just as you see a flash of orange and black pass through your slightly open door. The orange pauses, directly in front, and the door opens.

It's him.

You stare up at him in shock from your hospital bed. What the hell is he doing here? The blond is dressed in his hero costume, the same one that you saw earlier but...cleaner. Do heroes have multiple versions of their suits in case one gets dirty? How do you even clean some of those suits? Is there a thriving hero suit cleaning business somewhere? Wait, what are you thinking?

You blink to focus your thoughts. Damn drugs.

The blond hero stomps over to the side of your bed, a scowl on his face. “What the fuck were you thinking?!”

You flinch back at his loud voice. What. is. Happening.

“Why didn’t you fucking move, idiot?!” His voice is a bit quieter this time. Just a bit. “You risked his life, your life, that other extras life, for what?! Don’t be out there if you freeze, dumbass.”

Oh, this is a lecture.

“I couldn’t move him…” You find your voice.

“Hah?!”

“I thought-” You clear your throat. “He might have had a spinal injury. If I moved him, I risked injuring him more, or worse.”  You look down at your fingers, clutching the blanket. When he doesn’t immediately respond, you look back up. Those red eyes are looking at you with a narrowed expression. You can’t read him.

“C’mon, we need to go.” A new, deep voice comes from the door. You look over towards the door, where a man stands in front of a team of nervous-looking nurses. It must be another hero, not that you recognize him. A blue man dressed in a puffy black jacket and blue pants.

“Yea, yea. One fucking minute. ” Ground Zero responds, not looking away from you. “What the fuck were you even doing out there?! You’re not supposed to be inside the perimeter!” Your head hurts, his loud voice echoing painfully in your skull. You want this to be over, whatever it is.

“He survived.” You look back up to him, meeting his eyes as calmly as you can. “Because of what we did , that man is going to live. Without the flare, would you have even seen him? Without Eito using his quirk, would you have been fast enough to save him?”

The blond doesn't seem to react, but you notice his hands curl into tight fists at his side. You can’t imagine what he could say to your words, you speak the truth after all. While it had done absolutely nothing for your team, the flare is what led the heroes to realize someone was there and alive on the street. There is no way they noticed before, or else the man would have been moved earlier. And no matter how quick the blond can move with his explosions, that building would have crumbled on top of all of you without Eitos quirk being able to pause it. The man would not have lived through that. He would have been buried and forgotten.

You continue to meet his eyes. “It’s my job. Surely you of all people would understand, hero .” Your voice is darker than normal, angrier after being yelled at for no reason.

“Ground Zero. We need to go.” The blue man's voice is more insistent. In the corner of your eye you can see a larger crowd has formed behind him in the hallway. The blond straightens up, eyes flickering over you in the hospital bed. The scowl fades into a more confused frown.

“Now.”  The blue man says. No room for argument.

The blond's eyes look at your angry face one last time before he turns and walks out the door with the blue man. The crowd begins to disperse quickly afterward.

“What was that?” Your nurse from before pops his head in, looking between you and down the hallway.

“I have no idea.” You shrug. “My head hurts, though, can I have a bit more of the meds?”

He chuckles, walking over to check if it was possible. A moment later, he confirms. “After all that, sure.”

---------------

You feel more awake the next time you wake up as if you know you’ll be able to avoid sleep for at least a few hours this time. Unfortunately, it looks like the sun is setting outside. You missed the day.

Something new is on the little table beside the bed. A plastic bag, full of probably the items that you had on your person as you came in: your I.D, your work badge, and your phone.  It is the phone that gives you pause.

You think about not looking. It can’t be that bad, right? It’s only been... probably less than 24 hours since the villain attacked. Nobody is going to freak out in that little of a time.  

Who are you kidding?

You grab your phone and turn it on, grateful that it still has battery life. You’ll ask the nurse for a cord later.

[ 10 Missed Messages ]

[ 15 Missed Calls ]

You let out a long breath, skip the messages and go straight to your contact list. There are only two people who would have called you: Dad and Naoko. Naoko, as your emergency contact, should know that you are in the hospital and okay. Dad though… You hit call.

It picks up on the second ring. He screams your name into the phone, making you cringe and hold it further from your face.

“Hey, Dad.”

“ARE YOU OKAY?” He screams again.

“Yes, I’m fine. Stop screaming!”

He goes on. “Where are you? Why didn’t you respond? Are you injured? Should I come get you? I’m coming to get-”

“Dad, stop.” You interrupt. “I’m okay!”

“Did you use your quirk?”

Hesitation. “No. I wasn’t even in the area of the attack. I was at the office.”

“What was with the pause?” He insists. “Are you lying to me? You know you can’t use your quirk. If they find out then…”

You look around your hospital room. “No, I’m not lying to you.” Your heart hurts. Your eyes feel hot. “I didn’t even know there was an attack, really. I was working on this big accounting...thing.”

A long silence where you can just hear him mumbling on the other side. Then, “Just...text or call me next time, okay? I was worried.”

“I know.” You sigh. “I’m sorry. I’ll be better about it.”

“Okay.” He replies. “I gotta go. Talk to you later. Love you.”

“Love you.” And he hangs up. You feel...a bit empty as you lay back against the bed. You hate lying to him, but that's what your life has become.

Your hand rests on your chest, lightly running over the bandage you can feel through the loose t-shirt you are wearing. It’ll probably scar. How are you going to explain that? He’s going to know. He’s not dumb.

Your quirk doesn’t have a fancy hero name, you never thought of one for it and none was ever assigned to you as you are legally ‘quirkless’. It’s a simple quirk at face value, where you can heal hypothetically any wound by touching them. You never tested the limits of your quirk, so there may be some you don’t know of. The wound gets transferred to yourself, healed by a random chance of anywhere between 25-75%. That means that no matter what, the wound is healed by at least 25%, and could be almost completely healed. Cool, right?

Not exactly. You have to ‘roll the dice’ on your own health any time you try to heal someone. If you were to try and heal a fatal wound and get unlucky, you would die. You also cannot control what part of the wound heals in the process. The wound doesn’t heal in a ‘most important’ type way. The 25% that might heal during transference might be the smallest or least helpful part. You cannot rely on it. For example: if you were to use your quirk on a gunshot wound, you may end up with healed skin and no visible entry wound, but have all the remaining internal injuries. Not only could this make dying faster, but it could make it much more difficult for medical professionals to help. It is beyond risky.

Your quirk had manifested when you were about five and playing with some kids at a park. You had initially been really excited at your glowing green hand, despite not knowing what exactly it meant, and ran home to tell your dad. However, your excitement dropped instantly at the look of pure horror on his face. You had been a late bloomer in regards to your quirk and he had been hoping that you would be like him, quirkless.

Instead, you ended up with a healing quirk. Healing quirks are very rare and very sought after by hero agencies. You don’t know of a single person with any sort of healing quirk (big or small) that doesn’t work directly in the hero industry. They are usually recruited at a young age and brought to special training, to hone their quirk as much as possible to use on heroes.

That’s what happened to your mother. She had been a top healer in many large agencies throughout her life. Her quirk allowed her to heal others using her own energy. If she fell asleep or got injured, the healing would stop. Dad says she was always drinking energy drinks and caffeine to keep her levels up. In the end, her hero work is what killed her. You’ve heard the story many times throughout your childhood, Dad working hard to ensure you won’t follow in her footsteps, to ensure that you won't end up a victim of the (as he called it) ‘healing quirk curse ‘.

Well, look at you now. Maybe he was on to something about the curse.

You take another moment to recoup before going back to your contact list. You hit the call button.

[ Contact: Naoko ]

She picks up after three rings. “ARE YOU OKAY?”

“Not this again.” You groan. “Yea, I’m fine. Didn’t they tell you?”

“Well, yea.” She replies, voice quieter. “But it's different to hear it from you versus some random nurse. I tried to come to visit you to see for myself, but they wouldn’t let me in.”

“That’s weird.” You mutter. “You are my emergency contact.”

“I know, right?!” She grumbles. “So, what happened? I assume it was in the villain attack.”

“Yeah.” You begin your story, leaving out Ground Zero (you would tell her later) and just how close the attack had been (it would only worry her). “In the end, some debris fell from a building onto us. That’s how I got injured. Luckily we had the patient already in the stretcher and the team got me to the ambulance.” Your heart pulled angrily at the lie. It always felt bad, but after your phone call with your dad, it just hit harder.

Someday you’d tell her. You told yourself that every time. You trust Naoko a lot, and the girl could keep a secret. It’s just...difficult. Not only would you have to admit that you’ve been lying to her for years (something she might not forgive you for), you’d have to tell her everything . It’s a lot and...something you’ve been putting off for a while.

“You’re gonna put me into an early grave girl.” She sighs. “Talk to the doctors and I’ll come to bring you some stuff. When are you being released?”

“In a few days, apparently.” You reply. “Can you bring my laptop too? I feel like I’ll be bored as hell in here.”

“Of course!”

The two of you talk for a few more minutes before you hang up. You hit the ‘call nurse’ button and wait for them to arrive. Time to find out why your friend was denied access.

[gukyi]

for you, anything (post-script) | ksj

summary: in the midst of all of the coworker chaos over your newfound relationship, you and seokjin make a deal. 

{established relationship!au, friends to lovers!au, enemies to lovers!au}

pairing: kim seokjin x female reader genre: fluff word count: 2k warnings: bts being annoying coworkers a/n: shoutout to @aurawatercolor​ for being so wonderful and for commissioning this drabble’s monster predecessor: for you, anything!! thank you for being so patient with me and overall being a good friend of mine. much love!

Here

“Back off, he’s mine!” You shriek, furiously mashing your keyboard buttons as your eyes zero in on your computer screen. Maintaining as much of a grip onto your mouse and keyboard as possible, you push your office chair towards Seokjin’s in a desperate attempt to get him to lose his hold by crashing into him, bumper-car style. You hear the scratchy fabric collide, a soft thud that ricochets you forward, almost like you had crashed into a fuzzy rock. 

Naturally peeved, you turn around to find your boyfriend completely unbothered, having moved barely an inch. And yeah, you weren’t great at Physics when you took it in high school, but you have a feeling that that’s not how Newton’s Third Law works. 

Unfortunately for you, the split second you spend glaring at the back of Seokjin’s head means that he can go in for the killing blow, sword stabbing through the warrior king on the screen until he collapses in a pool of video game blood. The sound of a death cry and a cheer echos from your computer speakers, and you groan. 

“Not again,” you say, exasperated. You toss your head back against the chair, eyes rolling upwards, just enough to make out Seokjin eyeing you, a smug expression written all over his face. “I told you I had him.”

“You just weren’t fast enough, I guess,” Seokjin says casually, bouncing out of his chair to gloat to you all up front and personal. 

“You better share all of the money and rewards you got from that kill,” you demand, poking a finger against your cheek. Seokjin kisses you gladly, wrapping his arms over the chair and around you as he rocks your office chair side to side. The benefit of working together in Kingdom is that you always have backup you can trust (unlike some other MMO games, one of which rhymes with Meague of Megends), but Kingdom was designed for loot to be collected by whoever delivers the death blow, and not split evenly among all parties. 

Lucky for you, your boyfriend happens to be both good at the game and willing to share all of his treasure. 

“Ew, gross, PDA at three o’clock,” Jungkook says loudly, his whiny voice interrupting you and Seokjin’s lovers’ quarrel. 

“Ugh, just because you guys can have a successful and empowering relationship doesn’t mean you have to rub it in all of our faces,” Taehyung adds with a huff. At least nobody’s singing playground nursery rhymes about the two of you anymore. Since when last did people actually sit in trees, anyway?

“Get a room,” Yoongi deadpans as per usual. His attitude has not changed even though the state of you and Seokjin’s relationship definitely has. You know you can always count on him to give it to you straight. 

“Hey, no making out on office premises,” Namjoon says, barging into the room with his glasses tucked into the collar of his sweater, one of those pastel cream ones that dads who golf wear (though Namjoon is neither a dad nor plays golf). He’s switched to an iPad in recent weeks, which, despite being much more environmentally friendly, is still not Namjoon-friendly, and he often has to troubleshoot basic things like the functionality of the Notes app. Not to mention, his place of employment is filled with twerps who love doing things like spamming his camera roll and locking himself out of his own iPad. You think the record is three hours, but give the device to Hoseok and he’ll get it up to a couple of days with ease. “You guys agreed to that when you signed the employee handbook.”

“You always think so lowly of us, Joon,” Seokjin chides, and since he’s everybody’s best friend, he’s the only one who can get away with doing that. “We were just talking.”

“And playing Kingdom,” Yoongi pipes up, quickly switching away from his Haikyuu!!! tab. 

“If there’s a rule against Kingdom in the employee handbook, you’d have to fire all of us,” you remind Namjoon pointedly. Not even Yoongi would be spared, even if he’s terrible at the game itself. 

“But if you did, maybe Jungkook could finally live out his dream of being an E-sports gamer,” Taehyung adds, sending Jungkook into a tizzy. 

Seokjin scoffs, “He’d have to knock me and Y/N out of first and second place first, though.” 

“But please don’t fire us,” Taehyung pipes up weakly. 

“Nobody’s getting fired. You guys just better be doing your work,” Namjoon says. “Hey, it says that my iPad is going to be updated later tonight, do I need to do anything about that?”

Everyone groans. 

“Hey, what if we got married?” Seokjin nudges you with his shoulder. 

You sputter out the water you had been drinking all over your desk. “Married?” It dawns on you that shouting out that word in an office filled with nosy coworkers may not be the brightest idea. 

“You guys are getting married?” Taehyung shrieks excitedly. “Oh my God, I call being best man!”

“You don’t get to make that decision, idiot!” Jungkook shouts. “Besides, Seokjin would totally pick me over you anyway.”

“Who says?”

“Guys, we’re not getting married,” Seokjin says before the whole office breaks out into a brawl. Taehyung’s expression falls, sinking back into his chair, defeated. Yoongi had even quirked up for a moment before immediately turning back to his anime. “At least, in real life, we’re not.”

“Oh, you meant in-game?” You ask, the realization dawning on you. You notice everyone in the office eyeing you and Seokjin. Glaring at each and every person, you say, “He meant in-game, mind your own beeswax, you nosy freaks.” 

“Obviously,” Seokjin says with a roll of his eyes. “I love you, Y/N, but seeing as how we started dating three months ago, I think that marriage is pushing it. But in Kingdom, yeah, why not? We’ll get a lot of buffs from being married.”

Seokjin’s got a point. Being married in Kingdom means that the two of you will share wealth, property, and have the option of combining special powers during battles. It also means that the game will split boss and player rewards evenly amongst the two of you without you having to do it manually. Besides, isn’t it only right for the top two players in the game to get married? Assert their dominance? Remind Jungkook that he’ll never be an E-sports gamer for Kingdom? 

“Sounds like a plan,” you say, easily convinced. Besides, Seokjin could ask you to hand over all of your coins in the game, leaving you penniless, and you wouldn’t bat an eyelash. “We can do it later tonight.”

“My place? We can order takeout.”

“Only if we can get some cheesecake as well,” you say. 

“Done.”

Seokjin plants another kiss onto your lips before returning to his own desk, your office chairs facing away from each other as you get back to work, the promise of a nice meal and some quality time together keeping you motivated. 

Out of the blue, you say, “I would have said yes, you know.”

“To what?” Seokjin asks, not even turning around. 

“To asking if we could get married,” you tell him. He rounds on you, eyes wide. “I would have said yes.”

Seokjin seems frozen in place before he caves, body relaxing as his entire face begins to glow, red and orange and pink. “Tell you what,” he says. “I’ll ask again later, and if your answer is still the same, then we can.”

“How much later?” You ask. You don’t like to be kept waiting. Especially since the both of you know that your answer almost definitely won’t falter. 

Seokjin grins. “You’ll see.”

There

“I never liked fancy dresses,” you comment, pulling at the collar of the white dress lacing your features, hugging your body like a bedsheet. It’s scratchy and uncomfortable and restricting, making you feel like you can’t eat a single apple without popping open. There’s a veil with a train the size of the castle behind you, and the tiara on your head is so heavy and sharp that ti feels as though you’re about to topple. All this for a wedding?

“Good thing you’ll never have to wear one again after this, right?” Jin whispers back, the two of you facing the officiant before you as a crowd of onlookers watches the two of you. 

“Is that a promise?” You ask. “We’re making a lot of promises today, aren’t we?”

“And I will keep every single one of them with honor,” Jin says dramatically. It almost makes you reach out to punch him in the shoulder, but you don’t for the sake of publicity, hands wrapped tightly around the bouquet, filled with roses and tulips and carnations. You can’t believe you’re saying this, but you think you prefer your knight’s garb. At least it comes with flat boots. 

You even tune out what the officiant is saying, an old, monotonous advisor who oversees all military weddings, waiting boredly until you are prompted to respond. Time usually goes by rather quickly in the Kingdom, whether you are strolling through the market or on the battlefield, but here, it feels as though it’s taking forever and a day. Discreetly, you turn to look at Jin, who notices your gaze and rolls his eyes, just to make you laugh. At least the both of you feel the same about this whole thing. You wish there were an easier way to do this, perhaps just going to a courthouse and signing some papers and making a vow or two. Does the entire kingdom have to watch? 

“Do you promise to uphold these values, Jin?” The officiant asks. 

“I do,” Jin says. 

“Do you promise to uphold these values, Y/N?” 

Relieved that it’s finally coming to an end, you nod. “I do.”

“Then, by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss.”

Immediately, Jin turns to you, reaching an arm out to hold onto your waist as he pulls you towards him, your faces pressed up against each other, breaths hitting each others’ skin. 

“I’ve been waiting all day to do this,” he whispers softly. 

“Then don’t hold back,” you challenge. 

In one fell swoop, Jin presses a kiss on your lips, soft and warm and gentle. It’s filled with more promises than the officiant could even dream of making, filled with more vows than any wedding ceremony could produce. What this is is more than a silly pledge, a matrimonial technicality. It is an oath. To protect each other. To care for each other. To love each other.

And you know, without a shadow of a doubt, that for the rest of time, until the sun collapses and the moon vanishes, that you will.

↳ links are broken, but don’t forget i’m still taking commissions!

[alittlebitmaybe]

making concessions

so i, uh, maybe wrote the nichest, dumbest cracky au ficlet in the world. i blame @yoursummerfrost who is possibly the sole audience for this. i hope you’re happy.

anyway, this is what i described in this post, aka “Geralt and Jaskier meet at a Magic: the Gathering tournament that Jaskier has no business being at but somehow he beats Geralt and then they try to have sex in the bathroom”

featuring a complete disregard for like, legal cards or real decks or any actual knowledge of MTG tournaments beyond living with someone who plays it a lot

rated M for like frottage and marking and stuff

--

“Fresh meat,” Yen mutters, perched against one of the folding tables, knees spread. She punctuates it with a snap of her bubble gum.

Geralt folds his arms across his chest, eyebrow raised. “This is a low-tier Magic tournament, Yen, not a grade school playground.”

“Doesn’t make him not fresh meat. He’s gonna last five minutes, tops. Someone is gonna OTK that poor bastard.”

“We’ve all got to start somewhere.”

“That kid, Geralt,” she says, “is starting nowhere.”

The man Yen calls that kid does look more like he should be at Coachella than at a Magic: the Gathering tournament—bandana, loose tank top, cuffed jean shorts, and all—but, Geralt thinks, clearing his throat, he’s definitely no kid, not with the definition in his arms and the chest hair and the light scruff along his jaw. He is, though, going around and asking people to show him their decks, which he takes from them and riffles through clumsily while oohing and ahhing.

“Good for me, at least,” Geralt adds. “One less actual competitor to knock out.”

Yen punches him lightly in the shoulder. “Sure, if you can keep it in your pants. You just went all googly-eyed. Those baby blues suck you in already?”

He drags his gaze back to her. “He’s alright. If he touches my cards like that I’ll kill him. They’re worth more than his life.”

“I know, dear. I know. Well, gird yourself, because if you both win your first matches you’re against each other.”

Geralt smiles. “No problem. I’ve been playtesting against every meta deck for weeks. My win ratios are favorable against almost anything. This whole thing is mine.”

“Nerd,” says Yen.

Geralt tugs at the hem of her vest, and she kicks out at him with her boot heel. “You’re literally a judge here. You’re certified.”

“Exactly. I’m in a position of power, but you’re just here to show off. Nerd.”

“Keep it up and I won’t share the prize.”

“Half the prize money would barely buy me dinner at Applebee’s, but thanks anyway, darling. You can keep it, I think I’ll manage.”

And well, that’s fair, actually.

“It’s not about the money,” Geralt protests.

Yen snorts. “Obviously, or no one would be here. We all just bow to the whims of MTG. And thank them. And hand over our credit cards.”

Coachella man has dropped someone’s deck all over the floor and is apologetically gathering the cards back into a haphazard pile. The spectacle has drawn stares.

“Who’s the fool, really?” Yen asks. “Him, or us?”

“Hm,” Geralt replies.

--

“Geralt,” says Geralt. “Bant ramp.”

“Jaskier,” says Coachella man, smiling brightly and taking the proffered hand as he settles himself across the table. “Was that last bit English?”

“It’s…my deck,” Geralt explains dubiously. “Bant ramp? Green, white, blue?”

Jaskier pulls an impressed face. “They’ve got names for things like that? You really know your stuff, Geralt.”

“Uh,” says Geralt, nonplussed. “Yeah, thanks. What are you playing, then?”

“Oh, I’ve got this great deck! It’s got all the colors because I couldn’t pick just a few, and all the cards have such pretty art, you know? I had to put in the best ones. A few of ‘em are even shiny. She’s treated me well so far, this deck. I love her.”

Geralt scans down the list of players on his tourney pamphlet. Next to Jaskier’s name it says only Five color aggro???

Geralt huffs out through his nose. That is nonsensical, and—most importantly—not something he ever playtested against. But no matter what is in that deck, Geralt’s got this in the bag. There’s no way this Jaskier guy has the land base needed to support five colors. Especially if he chose his cards, apparently, based on the art.

Jaskier begins slowly pile shuffling his deck of utterly unsleeved cards. Not even inner sleeves, much less double sleeves. Geralt’s blood pressure ticks up.

“So, uh,” he begins, “you’re new to this, huh? What got you into Magic?”

“Ah, my friend Essi plays here and there, she mentioned this and it seemed like it’d be a lark. New experience and such. And hey”—Jaskier looks up and grins—“maybe I’ll win!”

Geralt thinks about the hours and weeks and years he’s spent studying cards and losing games and analyzing pro matches. “Good luck,” he says.

“Thank you, you’re sweet.”

Jaskier continues placing each card meticulously on its own stack. Geralt shuffles his own deck again and again as he waits.

“Do you want me to, uh.”

Jaskier looks up and says, “Oh, would you? That would be so helpful. I’ve never quite got the hang of the—,” he makes a riffle shuffle gesture, “—whole shuffling thing.”

--

He loses the coin toss, which, he realizes a few turns later, is not an auspicious beginning. But even with Jaskier on the play and him on the draw, certainly it won’t make that much of a difference. Not when Jaskier has to squint at his hand like he’s reading all the card texts for the first time ever. At one point he even goes “Oh, that’s an interesting one,” as if surprised. It cannot make that much of a difference to go second.

And it doesn’t. Because he can’t draw shit to save his life.

While Geralt draws white mana after white mana, Jaskier throws down creature after creature, ignoring effects and the stack entirely in favor of big numbers and building a “board aesthetic.” Whatever the fuck that means. He drops a land on every turn and his mana costs curve out perfectly, despite the stretch over five fucking colors. It’s nothing short of miraculous.

Finally, Geralt is staring down a board of attackers against the lone creature he’d managed to play, and Jaskier says “Ooh, I’ve got enough of the land thingies to play this fella!” and drops—of all fucking things—a Craterhoof Behemoth. Like Geralt isn’t already nearly dead on board.

Geralt eyes the board wipe in his hand that—for fuck’s sake—requires blue.

A single blue mana needed, and a stack of Plains in front of him a mile high.

“It resolves,” he grumbles.

“Woooooo,” says Jaskier. “I mean, that’s good, right?”

“Yes,” says Geralt. “For you.”

He’s got one more draw step to try to dig for an Island. One fucking Island, a fetch land, a mana-producing artifact, anything. He’s spent way too much money on his mana fixing for this to happen.

On his draw, he takes into hand a worthless green creature.

“Fuck!” He scrubs a hand over his face, drops his hand onto the table. “That’s the game. Good one.”

Jaskier looks confused. “What do you mean? You mean I win? But I didn’t get to, you know.” He mimes pushing his attackers across the table like an advancing army. “Kill you.”

“I’m dead on board and have nothing.”

“But I wanted to attack with my big fella!”

Geralt sighs and faintly hears Yen laughing her ass off down the table. And they play out Jaskier’s turn. In which Geralt immediately dies.

As Jaskier celebrates and gathers his cards, Geralt levels him with a tired stare. “Look, be straight with me. Is this a fucking hustle?”

Jaskier laughs brightly. “What, didn’t think I could play, eh?”

“You can’t,” Geralt says. “Obviously. Unless it’s a hustle.”

“No hustling here!” Jaskier then wiggles his eyebrows lasciviously. “Unless you’d like to hustle me later. If you catch my drift.”

Geralt does. “That is not a real come on.”

“Sure it is, since you know I’m coming on to you.”

“Let’s just play out the match,” Geralt says with finality.

He’s down one, but he just needs two wins. Two wins against a deck that will, eventually, be inconsistent and impractical. He shuffles his own deck—tested and massaged until its consistency holds up to real life statistics—four times, just to make sure.

Then Jaskier holds out his deck and Geralt begrudgingly shuffles that, too.

“You have nice hands,” Jaskier comments, following his fingers on the cards. “Big. Strong. Capable.”

“Shut up,” Geralt mumbles, and pretends to ignore it when Jaskier says, Yes, sir.

--

He loses the match on game two, and it’s his own damn fault, this time, because Jaskier drops an infinite combo and doesn’t even realize it until Geralt opens his dumb fucking mouth.

“There it is,” he groans, resigned, as Jaskier lays down the last combo piece. “Lucky draw.”

“Eh?”

“You comboed out?”

“Eh?” Jaskier says again, fingers still on the card like he’s thinking of taking it back, face utterly perplexed.

“You—holy fucking Christ.” Geralt throws his hands in the air. “You don’t even know you have that combo, do you.”

“I—do not, per se, know that, no.”

“That effect will untap your artifact, which lets you—oh, who cares. Fine. You win. Congrats.”

Jaskier’s expression brightens. “I win? Really? But I didn’t even attack!”

“You win. Really.”

Geralt wants a beer.

“Oh!” Jaskier is now beaming. He glances at his watch, a gold-trimmed gaudy thing. “Well, that was quick. We’ve got some time before the next round, if you wanna—uh—”

“Yeah,” sighs Geralt. Heat curls in his belly alongside the mingled anger (shame? embarrassment?) and disappointment. “Whatever.”

Might as well.

--

Geralt shoves Jaskier back against the bathroom door as he locks it, and Jaskier promptly wraps his legs around Geralt’s waist. Without a moment of hesitation Geralt leans in, biting at Jaskier’s lips, feeling arms circle his neck and hands weave themselves into his hair. Their bodies align perfectly and when Geralt thrusts forward, Jaskier gasps into his mouth.

“Yeah,” he breathes, “yeah, like that.”

A growl leaves Geralt in response, frustration with this stupid, clueless man bubbling up within him. Jaskier tastes like red Gatorade and smells like that body butter Yen keeps on her bathroom counter.

It’s less off-putting than it should be.

He keeps going like that, not because he was told to but because it’s infuriatingly good, Jaskier’s body warm and firm and pliant against his as he rolls his hips.

“Oh, God,” Jaskier groans on a thrust that results in a particularly good drag, which separates their mouths enough for Geralt to redirect his attention. With one hand he drags down the idiotic bandana tied around Jaskier’s neck and starts to suck harsh marks into salty skin. Jaskier keeps up a noisy litany of gasps and muffled, bitten-off encouragements. “Oh, that’s—good, fuck—your mouth—like it rough, don’t you…”

Geralt doesn’t particularly like it rough, actually, when he hasn’t been fucking hustled at his own game, but Jaskier still doesn’t seem to have caught on to the part where Geralt is sort of fucking furious about this whole situation.

Instead of explaining himself, he just bites down on Jaskier’s pulse point and curls his hand around Jaskier’s waist where his shirt is rucked up, nails digging in.

“Yeah—” Jaskier says, and tugs at Geralt’s hair, and then there’s banging on the door.

“We can hear you, assholes. There’s a line out here and we gotta piss,” an angry voice calls from the other side.

“Use the ladies’!” Jaskier yells hoarsely. “There’s never anyone in there. This one’s occupied.” Geralt moves against him again. “Oh, that’s—more.”

“No,” says the angry voice. “No more.” Another round of banging. “We’re calling property management. They’ve got a key.”

“Shit,” Geralt says, dropping Jaskier, who makes an indignant noise. He unlocks and opens the door.

There is, in fact, a small crowd around the men’s room, headed by a red-faced man half a foot shorter than Geralt.

“Can’t you mind your own business?” Geralt says.

“Can’t you keep it in your pants?” the man sneers back.

“Technically,” Jaskier pipes up, straightening his bandana and swiping at his hair, “nothing ever came out of any pants.”

“Jaskier,” says Geralt, “don’t help.”

An official-looking group of people rounds the corner, accompanied by Yen, who spots Geralt and nearly falls to the floor in a mirthful fit. He rolls his eyes.

The officials don’t like that at all.

--

A few months later, Jaskier kneels on the other side of Geralt’s coffee table, considering his hand. He licks his lip and taps a few lands to place an enchantment, which Geralt promptly counters.

“You and your fucking—control decks,” Jaskier sighs. “Let me play one some time.”

“Make your own,” says Geralt. “You can use my collection.”

“Ah, maybe I will, and then you won’t be able to play anything at all, ever, and how would you like that?”

“Do you have anything to get rid of my flyers?”

“Unfortunately, no, Geralt, I do not, or I would have played it by now.”

“Then you should probably concede.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” He picks up his cards, sleeved properly, and slides them over to Geralt’s side. “Shuffle please.”

Geralt shuffles them.

“Shame we can’t go to the tournament today,” says Jaskier wistfully. “Banned. What rot. We didn’t even get off that day. Rudely interrupted.”

“Yeah, well, someone had no business being there, anyway.”

“I still think I could have gone all the way. Beat you, didn’t I?”

“Haven’t since.”

“Only because you learned my tricks.”

“Jaskier, you don’t have tricks.”

“Exactly.” He smiles, and Geralt can’t help but smile back. When he places Jaskier’s deck back on the table, Jaskier’s hand rests on top of his. “I am, though, Geralt, absolutely thrilled that we met. Whatever the circumstance. Or consequence. If it needs saying.”

It doesn’t, but Geralt meets his eyes and says, “Yeah, me too.”

[buckyscrystalqueen]

Managed: Part 3

Pairings: Clark Kent x Reader (Henry Cavill Clark)

Warnings: Maybe swearing

Word Count: 2,777

A/N: Doesn’t have a completed end yet, but just giving you more content to try to get myself out of a writing funk.

Part 1 / Part 2

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“OK, hold the fuck on.” Your best friend from work, Sarah, said as she waited patiently for you to safely enter your currently room temperature hot tub to cool off on your first hot day of spring. “You’re the one dating Clark Kent?! Tall, drop dead gorgeous, hasn’t looked at a single woman since he started at Blue Ridge to the point we were starting to think he was gay, Clark Kent?”

“People thought he was gay?” You asked with a huffed laugh as you sat down in your favorite spot.

“I mean, have you seen how he dresses?” She asked as she got in and sat across from you. “Those tight shirts?”

“So that makes him gay?!” You laughed as you wrapped your ponytail into a bun and secured it with the hair tie on your wrist.

“OK, not exclusively.” She laughed as she hit the display panel and turned on her jets. “It’s all talk, you know. That’s all. He’s just never showed interest in getting to know people and he’s never once mentioned a significant other to anyone... you know how usually that shit just kinda slips out in passing. I don’t know, it’s just an observation.”

“Well now that it’s out, it’s spreading like wildfire. Everyone seems to know now.”

“That’s the fun part of working at Blue Ridge.” She said over the sound of your jets starting up. “Everybody is in everybody else’s business. I’m just surprised that y’all were able to keep it a secret as long as you did.”

“It was more out of fear than anything else.” You started as you looked over at the familiar rumble of a pick up truck and its tires coming up your gravel drive. “He was worried about my job, I was worried about his. Now that people know, it’s like a weight has been lifted off our shoulders.”

“Is that his truck?” You nodded your head and turned the slightest bit to yell at Clark that you were down stairs when he got out of his truck. “Does he live here?”

“We go back and forth between here and his place. We have been slowly starting to throw around the idea of getting a place but it’s still just pillow talk.”

“I swear, you live in that hot tub.” Clark teased as he walked through the side fence.

“Sue me, I’m a mermaid.”

“Got that right.” He chuckled as he came into the screened in porch. “Hello, Sarah.”

“How’s it going, boss man.” She teased. “Or is it baby daddy now?”

“Clark still works just fine.” He laughed as he leaned over the side to kiss your forehead. “I’m gunna go shower and wash this day off me and thank God we have the next two days off.”

“For doctors appointments.” You pointed out. “So many doctors appointments.” With a nod of his head, he said good bye to Sarah and headed inside, while your friend simply shook her head at you.

“Luckiest bitch in the world.” She muttered when she was sure the down stairs door to your house was closed.

“I know.” You laughed with a shrug as you stretched your legs out under the water and got even more comfortable in front of your jets. “He’s a heaven sent angel for sure. That man has the patience of a saint to put up with all my crazy.”

“Yea, and we both know how much crazy that is.” She laughed, which made you pout and splash some water in her direction.

“I’m serious though. He puts up with me and helps me not spiral out of control better than my own mother can. I seriously have no idea how or why he has stuck around this long...”

“Because you are worth it, (Y/N). You are worth this happiness I can actually see in your eyes. You deserve to be happy just like the rest of us... well, not me. I’m a piece of shit.”

“And you have Larry.” You pointed out as you turned in your chair to grab your bottle of water off the side.

“Two fucked up sides to the same coin.” She laughed, whole heartedly. “God, I love that man. Pain in my ass, and I definitely don’t deserve him, but I love him for loving me all the same. We should all grab dinner sometime. Like a...”

“If you say ‘double date’ to me right now, I will drown you, pregnant or not.”

“Spoil sport.”

——

“So I’ve been thinking...”

“Oh that’s a dangerous thing to do.” Clark teased as he got ready for bed later that night.

“Maybe it’s time to revisit us moving in together and buying a house.” Your boyfriend actually froze half way through taking his under shirt off and stared at you as you looked away from your Facebook feed and up at him through your lashes. “Save money before the baby comes and all.”

“So you wanna buy a house to save money.” He laughed as he took off his shirt and tossed it in the laundry basket. “What brought this on?”

“Well.” You breathed as you turned off your phone screen and rolled over onto your side to face him. “Sarah asked if we were living together when she saw you pull up and I told her we were just talking about it, but the only reason I have been hesitant about it was because of work but since work knows, there really isn’t an issue anymore so there isn’t any reason not to now, right?” He nodded his head slowly as he put his folded jeans on his dresser for the morning and sat down on his side of the bed facing you.

“You know that I have wanted to move in with you for months.” He started as he reached out to put his hand on your hip. “So I am beyond excited at the idea of this actually happening. But I want to make sure that you are ready for this and not just jumping into it because you think its gunna make other people happy.”

“No, I know.” You agreed as you scooted forward so you were a little closer to him. “I have wanted to live with you since you asked me to. I know it’s a big step and yes, its already stressing me out, but I know that at the end of it all, I will be with you. And that’s all I want. I just want to be with you. You make me so happy, more than I’ll ever deserve. And I know that it’s time to take the next step in our lives together. Besides that, we can’t really start our family living in two different houses, one of which is with my mother...”

“OK, well that is another thing we need to discuss.” He said as he leaned over so that he was propped up on the bed behind you with his elbow but still partially laying on your legs. “Because I already know you well enough to know that your mother is a big part of your support group and moving you too far away from her isn’t going to work for both of your sakes. She needs you as much as you need her...”

“OK...”

“And there aren’t many properties in this area for sale right now. Trust me, I’ve been keeping an eye on it for a few months.”

“Of course you have.” You giggled as you propped yourself up on your hand to see him a little better.

“But, there are two different plots of land, one across the street and one a little ways up the road that are up for sale and are pretty cheap. We could possibly build a house...”

“We could... And there’s also the bottom of mom’s property...”

“What, in her yard?”

“No, the neighbor’s old garden.” You replied a you gestured in that direction. “Mom made that comment when we first moved up here, of me possibly building down there so she’s a little less alone on the mountain. If that’s not too crazy of an idea to you, we could talk to her and see if she’s still ok with something like that and maybe see if she would sell us that land. Maybe, I don’t know...”

“Honestly, knowing you as well as I do, that would be the best case scenario here.” He agreed.

“That’s not weird for you?” He smirked and shook his head as he moved his hand enough to rub your back.

“Baby, I love you. And I know that family is important to you. I knew a long time ago that we’d be living near your mother and I don’t have an issue with that now, like I didn’t when I realized that. I like your mom, she’s funny...”

“Oh, don’t ever let her hear you say that.” You laughed as you reached down to run your fingers through his dark curls.

“And I know she respects boundaries enough that it’s not going to turn into an ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’ situation. But we need to talk to her. And we need to really think about this and make sure building a house is something we wanna do right now. It takes a while to do, and there’s a chance, even if we start on Monday with talking to the city and getting the ball rolling, we might not be in the house before the baby is born... You’ve stopped listening, haven’t you?”

“No, I’m hearing you.” You said through your giant smile. 

“No you’re not.” He laughed as he sat up and gave you a chaste kiss. “We’ll talk to mom after your morning appointment.”

“You’re way to good to me.” You sighed as he got up to brush his teeth for bed.

“I’m just treating you like you deserve, sweetheart. That’s all.”

——

“OK, scale of one to ten.” Clark said behind you as you walked through your almost finished house, making sure all the details were exactly right like you did every night you got home from work. “How badly do you crave a trip to Disney?” You stopped and looked back at him before gesturing to the Disney character drawer pulls that you had put on the drawers of the dressers in your closet, and the Star Wars ones in your bathroom.

“Really?” You asked as you gestured toward the guest bathroom, that was going to be finished to look like the hallway in the Haunted Mansion, and the stacks of boxes in the master bedroom behind him of the collection of Disney things the pair of you had collected over the years. “Really?”

“So like a four?”

“Like a ten million.”

“Enough to wanna go on a short baby moon in a few weeks?”

“Is that why I was approved for my paid time off days that I never requested off?” You giggled as you turned turned back to the closet to look at the painting that got finished in there today. He laughed whole heartedly behind you and nodded his head behind your back.

“I thought I beat the response on that and we gotta use them anyways or we lose them. Hey...” You paused your inspection and turned around with your hands on your bump and your back, and he smiled and pulled you toward him by your shirt. “Let’s go to Disney for a bit. The house is close to being done, you haven’t found a single issue with it in the the last seven months, and I think we should just relax for a few days while we still can. Before Wendy comes...”

“Her name is Evangeline.” You countered with a smile. “The sooner you accept that...”

“Yea, yea, yea.” He chuckled, knowing that your daughter’s name was going to be Evangeline (since he picked it out in the first place), but just wanting to pick on you to see the cute annoyed face you gave him every time. “I’m still partial to Tegan...”

“Then you shouldn’t have given me Evangeline.” You said in a sing song voice as you turned to head back up to your mom’s place for dinner, since your kitchen was not even close to being finished yet. “It’s all your fault.”

“You haven’t given me an answer, sweetheart.”

“Why do we have to wait a few weeks to go?” You asked as you stepped over some boxes of flooring that was waiting to go in your kitchen once the island was installed.

“Because that’s the way it works.” He countered as he helped you squeeze between all of the  cabinets for the kitchen and the bathrooms that were going up later that week when the painters were done. “That’s when I could get a site at Fort Wilderness so we can use your mom’s camper to save us some money...”

“Wait, how are we affording Disney right now? We have so much money tied up in the build...?”

“I still know people working at Disney, sweetheart. So I called in a few favors from people who were more than happy to spare some tickets, let us use their discounts, and spread a little pixie dust on two expecting Disney fanatics.”

“Ok, but even still, it’s gunna cost us...” You tried as you stepped out the front door on to the porch.

“Let me worry about that.” Clark interrupted as he locked the door and you turned back to face him.

“You can’t keep doing that.” You said softly with a shake of your head. “You can’t shut me down when it comes to money anymore. I understand you want to give me the world and you don’t want me to ever have to worry, but that’s not how this works. We’re building a house, and starting a family, Clark. And you can’t take on that financial responsibility alone no matter how long you have saved up for it. You’re not the only one who has. But you have to let me... please. Because otherwise, I will keep canceling orders on things like the paint, and those drawer knobs, and these rocking chairs and rebuying them on my name, on my cards...”

“I was wondering how I had more money in my account than I should have.” He sighed as he sat down on one of the two rockers and gestured for you to sit down as well. “I don’t like it...”

“You don’t have to like it.” You grumbled as you sort of just flopped down after a long day on your feet. “Just like I don’t have to like growing a child. We still gotta do it though.” With one more sigh, he nodded and sat back in his chair.

“I’ve had money for the house for years. Evangeline is throwing me for a bit of a loop, but I um... well I opened another credit card and it’s covering her expenses...”

“Clark, you didn’t have to do that.” You sighed as you leaned to the side the slightest bit to reach out for his hand. “Because you’re not the only one saving money here. And there’s no point in me saving money just for it to gain interest in a bank when it could be used to help us better ourselves by... oh I don’t know, buying a crib and diapers and cute little dresses and sweaters and little baby booties. It can buy those towels I love for the guest bathroom, which, by the way, it already has and they will be delivered on Tuesday.”

“I thought you changed your mind on those and that’s why they were canceled.”

“Nope, just repurchased.” You clarified as you sat back to rock yourself back and forth.

“I’m sorry, (Y/N).” He said softly after a few moments. “It’s just... hard. I was raised to be the man of the house and that leaves me with the burden.”

“And if that’s the case, then I’ll stay at home and parent. But either way, I still have money saved that can help us out here, OK? Money for a house, and a wedding. May even be able to afford a trip to Disney and the baby I’m growing, too. So you are not allowed to take on the burden of our life together alone anymore. Or you can sleep in my mom’s basement while I enjoy our house with Evangeline all by ourselves.”

“Alright, fine. You win.” He breathed with a nod. “You’re going to be the death of me, you know that, right?”

“Oh, don’t you know it.” You giggled as you stood up to head home. “Come on, I’m hungry.”

[captainillogical]

Profoundly Yours Ch.1

Amity receives a love letter in her locker. Luz wants to help figure out who it is.

Cover art by my lovely wife @firstofficertightpants​

AO3 mirror

Today is looking to be a long day, it seems.

Amity looks up at the clock on the wall just as the school bell screams, and she grabs for the books in front of her as the other students around her bustle about. All she really wants to do is find a nice, quiet place to take a nap - she could barely sleep the night prior. She waits for a moment, letting the other students leave the classroom first so as to not get trampled on, and makes her way out the door with an offhanded wave to her teacher.

She sighs, holding the books close to her chest as she walks over to her locker. At least the day is halfway done, she thinks to herself. She hasn’t even gotten to open her locker when Boscha rolls up, slamming a hand against the nearest wall.

“So, I had the brightest idea earlier that we’d all go get our nails done after school, and Skara is SUPER on board with it.” The three-eyed girl leans in, a smirk on her face. “You in, Amity?”

She doesn’t really want to, like, at all - so she thinks up a quick excuse.

“I can’t, sorry. I promised mom I’d help out with her afternoon errands.” Amity replies, trying to really sell the lie with a grimace. She wishes that Boscha would just lose interest in being her “friend” already.

“Ughhh, it’s not as fun if you can’t go,” Boscha rolls her eyes, a bit of a pout on her face. “Skara’s just going to talk about her boyfriend the entire time.”

“I really am sorry, I definitely would go with you guys if I was free,” Amity lies through her teeth, reaching out to open her locker. She wants to be in the lunchroom already - she can feel her stomach growling, and maybe she can see a certain someone’s face. That will absolutely make her day better.

The locker opens with a clatter - it growls at her and she ignores it, and a single square white envelope is sitting inside; there’s no name, or any indication of what it could be on the outside. Amity grabs for it curiously, placing her books inside.

“What’s that, some kind of love-letter?” The pink-haired girl snatches the envelope out of Amity’s hands, eyebrows shooting up into her hairline.

“Boscha! Give it!” Amity tries reaching for it, but the other girl just side-steps out of her way with a laugh, tearing the letter open to see what’s inside.

“What do we have here~” She teases, eyes scanning the page. They widen considerably when she catches onto something. “Whoa, actually - dude someone has it bad for you, ha ha!!” She snorts out a laugh, and Amity grabs the letter out of her hand, finally.

She stares at the piece of paper, and her heart starts to race. It’s a poem.

Someone WROTE her a poem.

Amity - your eyes shine like gold coins

And when I look into them

I feel like the richest person ever.

Oh, wow. That’s a terrible poem. And yet kind of sweet?.. Hm. There’s no name anywhere.

Amity forces her face into a grimace, and Boscha’s still laughing.

“This is awful, who wrote this?” She cackles, and Amity is almost starting to feel a little defensive over it. I mean, the person wrote it for her.

“There seems to be no name on it.” The green-haired witch shoves the letter into her pocket, hearing it crinkle loudly. “That’s too bad.”

“Yeah that’s too bad, I wanted to make fun of them for it!” She laughs again, and yeah okay, Amity’s starting to feel annoyed.

“Not everyone needs to be made fun of constantly,” She retorts, slamming her locker shut. She gives one last look to her not-sort-of-friend, before turning to leave. “I’m going to lunch.”

The sounds of Amity’s footsteps fade away within the noise of the school, and Boscha watches her go.

“What’s gotten up with her lately?” She says to no one in particular, scowling to herself.

-

Amity faces the crowded lunchroom, food in hand. She’s not even feeling particularly hungry now since she read that note, but will force down the food anyway. She looks around and happens to spot Willow sitting with Gus off to the side - as well as Luz.

Ah.

She feels so stupid, the way her heart does little flips every single time she sees the human. It feels irrational, at this point. Why did Luz turn out to be so nice, and caring, and cute - she stops that particular train of thought. It’s the entire reason why she hasn’t been getting enough sleep this last week, and with everything that happened after Grom, Amity feels a little like she might be going crazy.

Her feelings are going haywire, and she has no outlet for them. She can’t talk to anyone about it, come on, that’d be so embarrassing. Admitting you have feelings, romantic feelings, for a human? Yeah, she’d rather hex herself than go through that kind of social scrutiny right now.

She mulls over where to sit - spotting an empty table in the opposite corner by the windows, and walks over to it to sit down. She sighs, pulling her sandwich out of the bag, and takes a small bite out of it. It’s a bit dry, but it’s whatever. She pulls the note out of her pocket and unfolds it on the table, having to place her bottle of water on the top of it to stop it from folding back up.

Amity leans forward, peering hard at the handwriting, nice as it is. She doesn’t recognise it at all. Who could this be from, exactly? She feels like this could also possibly be a prank, because who in their right mind would send her a love letter? Definitely not the person she wants it to be. She takes another bite, chewing it slowly and thoughtfully. 

A familiar voice laughs nearby, and all of a sudden a hand slams down on the table about a foot from Amity. She jolts in her seat, looking up to see the face of Luz.

“Amity!” The human girl enthusiastically greets her. “Why are you sitting here all alone? Since you didn’t come to sit with us, we’ll sit with you!” She grins, Willow and Gus in tow right behind her. They all take a seat at the table around her, tossing their food onto the table and making themselves comfortable. Amity feels a little taken aback with the gesture, and tries to not let it show too much on her face. Being this close to Luz after what happened the other day.. she swallows her feelings.

“Oh, you don’t have to-” Luz gasps, cutting Amity off. She grabs the piece of paper on the table, and holds it up to her face. She’s squinting quite hard.

“A love letter!!!” Luz exclaims, eyes wide open with her mouth hanging dramatically - Willow shushes her. She rubs the back of her head sheepishly, looking apologetic. “Forget you heard anything!” She shouts back out to the lunch room. A stray “don’t tell me what to do!” pierces through the white noise of the other students chattering amongst themselves. Gus giggles into his soup.

“Thanks for that.” Amity half-glares at Luz, taking the letter back from her and folding it in half, placing it back on the table. She feels the tips of her ears get warm from embarrassment. “And yeah.. It was in my locker when I opened it earlier. I have no idea who it’s from.”

“I bet I can figure out who it is.” Gus says smugly, taking a spoonful into his mouth. “Let me see.”

“No! You’ll just judge it unfairly.” Amity replies, and reaches out to clutch it in her hands.

“C’mon, why are you being so defensive! What can it hurt?” He points his spoon at her, waving it a bit. 

"I'm not defensive!" She retorts back, Gus' smirk immediately widening. She quickly realizes her mistake, and slides the letter over to him to play it off cool. "It's just, it's a poem of all things, and I don't know of anyone that's written anything like.." She trails off as she watches Gus' eyebrows shoot up on his face, and she's unsure if it's either because he's impressed, or taken aback with said writing. Willow leans over to also peer at the letter.

"I don't know whether to laugh or applaud this guy."

"It could be a girl, Gus." Willow gives him a judgemental look. "Do you know of any guys here with that handwriting? It's too nice."

"That's a.. fair point." He puts a finger up to his lip, and then looks around at the other students in the lunch room, squinting his eyes in suspicion. He points to a person waaay over in the opposite corner. "What about him? He's always been pretty well-spoken."

"Geoffrey?!" Amity hisses out, and then reels enough back to not look so.. frantic. "It's obviously not him, I mean, he's nice sure. But he never goes out of his way to talk to me, and he's never given any kind of indication he even likes me as a fellow classmate."

"Plus, Geoffrey has had that thing for Brian since last year, remember?" Willow takes a bite out of her apple, and grabs the poem to read it again. 

"Oh right, kind of forgot about that since that one incident." Gus sighs a little dramatically, and the rest of the table ignores his theatrics. He makes a show to place his hand over his eyes - like he's staring out into bright open seas er - students. "Maybe it is a girl. Maybe it's.. someone we know. Maybe it's… Luz!!" He points to her like gotcha! and Amity feels her heart stop.

Luz chokes on the bite of food she's just placed inside her mouth, her spoon clattering on the table. "I've never written a love letter in my life," She sputters and coughs several more times - her cheeks are turning pink a little, but surely it's from the lack of air intake. Gus laughs at her, Willow rolling her eyes at her friend's antics. "Besides, if I were to write a love letter, it would definitely not be poetry. There's a reason why mom wanted me to go to that summer camp. If anything, I'd write a fanfic."

"A fanfic." Willow deadpans at her for a couple seconds, and then shrugs. "That is very you, though."

Amity takes the last bite of her sandwich and tries not to sit there in disappointment. Like, she knew it wasn't Luz of course. Still stings a little. Luz gives Amity a curious look as she swallows her food, and Amity hopes her emotions aren't showing on her face. That'd be terrible.

"Was the letter in your locker when you first came into school today?" The human asks, wiping her face for any food crumbs. She takes the letter from Willow, her eyes scanning the page one last time.

"No, now that I think about it." Amity replies, watching the other girl. She tries not to let her eyes linger on Luz for too long in anyone else's presence, for fear that someone might catch wind of her feelings for the human.

"Well then, clearly, we know they're a student here. Now if only it were obvious!" Gus says excitedly. "We should build a student card bingo for this."

"That would be interesting." Willow laughs.

"You think the admirer will come forward sometime to confess?" Luz leans near Amity to ask, making the other girl acutely aware of just how close she is.

"It wouldn't matter, honestly." Amity admits, taking the poem back from Luz and folding it into her pocket. "It's not like I'm interested."

"Why, you like someone else?" Gus interjects, slurping up another spoonful of soup.

"N-no! Of course not!" Amity says a little too quickly, and she feels a specific set of eyes on her. "Besides, I wouldn't date someone I don't know, just because they wrote me a poem."

She sees Luz staring at her out of the corner of her eye, like she's remembering the note Amity has been trying to forget about since the night of Grom.

"Yeah, I wouldn't either." Willow agrees, and hands Gus a napkin absentmindedly. He's kind of a messy eater.

"Wow, give the person a break, they just put their whole heart out there! Doesn't that mean anything in the name of romance?" Gus says in between mouthfuls of soup.

"They're welcome to say it to my face." Amity replies, and she tries to change the subject.

Lunch period ends pretty soon after that, and the rest of classes go by pretty slowly for Amity. Ed and Em rip into her about her day after school a little more than usual, and she retires to her bedroom early that night, a lot on her mind to think about.

She has a hard time falling asleep, like she has been for a while now, one very specific person plaguing her thoughts constantly. She thinks she'll just forget about the love letter for now. Or maybe entirely, actually, since there's no point.

Sleep comes to her after a couple of hours.

-

When her locker physically spits another letter at her the next day, she decides this might be a problem.

[wundrbagel]

HOT BAGEL TAKE FAM

I remember a while ago seeing a post about how if Sonic and Pippi Longstocking met that it would lead to some cool adventures. And the more I thought about how those two having adventures together the more I realized how similar in character both Pippi and Sonic are!

I figured since I don't have much to do today and I love talking about my favourite franchises why not I dive deep into why these two are similar! I'm mostly going to stick to games when it comes to Sonic. As for Pippi I will stick to the books and the Swedish movies (As those are the most closest to the books since the scrip was made by the author). I don't do stuff like this often so if there are things that could've been explained better I'm sorry. :(

1. Their dislike for Injustice

If it isn't obvious, in just about every Sonic game, Sonic fights off Dr. Eggman and many other kinds of villains because they want to conquer the world in one way or another. This means the world Sonic enjoys to run around and adventure in is in danger along with it's people and animals. Sonic is not one to stand down and will take on these evil forces no matter what.

Even though Pippi hasn't done large scale things like Saving the world like Sonic does, she still isn't one for letting anyone abuse others or animals. When a man is upset with his horse and decides to beat it with a whip constantly, Pippi steps in and tossed the man around a few times before threatening to destroy his outfit if he ever beat his horse again. Another instance being when Pippi noticed a boy named, Willy being picked on by some bullies. She tossed the lead bully into a tree which scared off the rest of the bullies. Then Pippi warned them if they ever picked on Willy they would have to go through her.

2. They Follow Their Own Rules

I would have to say Sonic and The Black Knight is one of my favorite examples as to Sonic showing that he lives by his own rules and even if others may see it being wrong, like the round table knights who follow their evil king, Sonic doesn't care. He doesn't even care if he's not considered a hero for slaying King Arthur. If he himself personally thinks something just isn't right then he's going to fix his way. That being taking out the round table knights, defeating the underworld knights, freeing the (ugly) townspeople, and eventually defeating Merlina. Speaking of Merlina. When Merlina is getting the upper hand with the fight and Gawain tells Sonic to run away because it's noy about Chivalry anymore, Sonic tells Gawain it never had anything to do with Chivalry. He just had to do what he had to do. This meaning Sonic wasn't going in this whole adventure because he HAD to but he went on this adventure because it's the right thing to do in his mind.

He even has a moment with Gawain about how "Isn't there more to a knight than serving a king?". Sonic doesn't like being held down by any master. He runs as freely as the wind that blows. Giving him the title, Knight of the Wind.

Pippi has always been see as rowdy to many adults and that she needs to be put in a orphanage. But Pippi has lived her life as a pirate that does as she pleases. While she may seem weird, wear large shoes, has patchy clothing, and keeps a horse on her porch. She would never change who she is. She likes to live her life her way and will not let others like Ms. Priscilla, who wants her in a orphanage, to ruin that. Even when she's told that she can't live alone in Villa Villa Kula by herself, she'll still do it anyways because to be in a orphanage will mean she'd lose her right to do as she wants, adventuring and having fun. And also keeping her monkey and horse. The many times the police has tried to capture her in both the books and movies, they are often twarted by Pippi's whit and super human abilities.

Fun is something Pippi enjoys the most above all. She loves to bring her friends, Tommy and Annika on various silly games like flying an air balloon and even running away from home. Often times Tommy and Annika do not believe Pippi can do such things but Pippi believes she'll always come out on top and to never give up even when others don't think it's possible. And if she couldn't do it the first time then surely she needs to practice.

Just like Sonic, Pippi cannot stand if authority gets their own way. While Pippi did not fight a underworld knights, she did take on a town of pirates. They abused a child named, Marco for dropping their drinks he needed to serve to them. Pippi stepped in and tossed two pirates out the window and hung the tavern owner on a wall to watch. Eventually at the end, Pippi gave Marco some gold coins so he can run away.

3. Doesn't like to show sadness in front of their friends

At the ending of SA2 after Shadow sacrificed his life to protect the planet Maria loved, Sonic and Friends are now in the ARK full of emotions. After Sonic has given Shadow's ring to Rouge, he goes to another spot in the room to think about Shadow. That is until Amy goes to check on him and see if he's alright. Sonic then shrugs it off yo show he's happy yo go back home to the planet that is as cool and blue as he is. Sonic is then the last to leave the room and with that he gives one last goodbye to Shadow.

While Pippi was out playing with Tommy, Annika, and their class, she found a dead baby bird. She wished if she had the power to she would bring it back to life. Pippi began to cry until Tommy and Annika pointed it out. That's when Pippi insisted that she wasn't crying and that her face wasn't red. She even tried to change the topic by bringing up another tall tale of her's. Pippi then tried to play it cool that she wouldn't cry for a "little scrap of a bird". Once she heard that the rest of the class was looking for her to continue the game, she quickly placed the bird on soft bed of moss before continuing her game.

--

I just wanted to bring up that in Pippi on the Run, she jumped out of a speeding car to grab the sleeping bag that fell out, ran back to the car, and hopped right in. I'm not saying she's as fast as Sonic but I would love to see those two have a run or something. I'm just saying!

Anyway, now there are probably more similarities but these are the ones I could think up the most easily. And obviously Sonic and Pippi aren't one to one similar as Pippi is definitely more child-like than Sonic is. Anywho I hope both Sonic and Pippi lovers enjoyed this as much as I did. And if you have more to add that would be great too!

[dzamie]

What is your opinion on the third movie htyd?

It was visually fantastic. The plot was bad, and the characters were less than stellar. Still a strong movie, but definitely the weakest of the three. Here’s a read-more because I T ‘ S   R A N T   T I M E   B A Y B E E

The light fury was fantastic. She looked beautiful, was sufficiently wild and catlike again (my main complaint against the 2nd and 3rd movies is that Toothless acts way more like a dog in them), and I love her cloaking ability. Shoving Hiccup off of Toothless only for Toothless to dive towards him, was mirrored beautifully with shoving Toothless to safety, then diving towards Hiccup to save him, too.

Toothless was... back and forth. I suspect I would’ve liked the mating dance scene had I not seen it in the trailers so many times already - as it was, it was hard to watch. I liked him pining for his ability to fly when Light took off and expected him to follow, and his exchange with her when she shoved Hiccup off was hilarious. I’m never a big fan of “infatuated at first sight” plotlines, though, so he definitely had the weaker part of the romantic subplot. And the lightning thingy was really cool, but I wish they’d used it between him discovering it an using it against the controlled dragons - not only would it follow the “rule of 3,” but it also would’ve made it seem less like “it’s not a deus ex machina if we show it once before” and more like something he could’ve practiced or played with, especially when flirting. Also, not really digging how Toothless is suddenly ruler over all the Hidden World. He took down one Bewilderbeast. ONE!! And it’s not like Light is clearly, undisputably Queen Of Hidden World by being a light fury, because there are other light fury families in the background! It seemed like a decision made to give him a reason to stay in THW instead of just... having a nest with Light somewhere away from Berk (for her comfort) but within a reasonable flight (for his).

Hiccup was dumb. I can only imagine that this took place about five years after HTTYD2 or even more, because that is an awful lot of trust to put on the line for some whackadoodle plan that has no guarantee of fruition. In the first movie, some Vikings were a little on the edge about finding the Nest, despite knowing that it must exist, and that finding it would be objectively better than not doing so. In 3, Hiccup somehow gets them to all agree on something that is incredibly unlikely to exist, they have no idea where it is, and it’s unknowable if their lives would improve or worsen from finding it. Also? After that big, climactic battle where Berk only wins because both Vikings AND dragons were working together? “Oh well I guess we don’t need each other, and we’re probably better off separate.” NO YOU DUMBFUCK GO GRAB YOUR BIG SCALY DOG AND SET UP A TIMESHARE

The other riders were actually really good. I loved Tuff’s “come, cry into my long, manly beard” stuff, and Ruff annoying the hell out of Villain Guy. Valka, too; she continued to move far more in sync with Cloudjumper than the other riders did with their dragons, which is great because they’ve presumably been flying together, isolated from Vikings, for over two decades. Actually, just typing that makes me even madder about the “uwu we can’t live together anymore” ending. Those two spent TWENTY YEARS happily together, there is NO WAY either of them would just be “oh okay, bye then.” Nope, even if everything else happened like that, Valka would either become That One Dragon Lady or Cloudjumper would just... “Valka. I hope you’re ready for a couple more decades among only dragons.” Like... “oh, Chief Hiccup said dragons are going away” “aye well the last chief said dragons were evil killers and to slaughter them on sight and look what Hiccup did. Looks like disobeying stupid orders runs in the family.”

Villain Guy. Whatever his name is. I’m calling him VG because I don’t respect him. He looks smart not because he IS smart, but because he’s never in the same room as people who can walk and think at the same time, except for when he’s threatening Hiccup. His motivation is roughly the same as Drago’s, but instead of combat ability and a goddamn Bewilderbeast, he has an endless potion of Plot Contrivance. Ah, yes, we know that Berk will go west because Sherlock Holmes But Unlikable has declared that furies don’t like the cold, despite Toothless loving to play in the snow and having the time of his life - it can’t possibly be that the map has your army one way, islands on a straight shot west, and literally nowhere else to go. How devious of you, to have put off killing Ruff and that other dragon for long enough to get the basic idea of following an unwitting pawn to your destination (a destination that YOU KNOW THE LOCATION OF ALREADY). Like yeah dude I get it you think you’re the Joker or Moriarity or something and you’re in it for The Thrill Of The Hunt, but, like, you don’t arm your men with anti-dragon weaponry at all when it comes to finally swing that trap shut. What happens if, somehow, your masterfully masterminded master plan of mastery fails to capture the Alpha, because who knows maybe alpha furies are magically immune to Plot Venom? Well, I guess you just lose. Helluva linchpin if you ask me.

Seriously, I suspect the guy only retains control of that huge fleet because the three numbskulls whose men they actually are are so ridiculously incompetent that he simply went “hey let’s toss a coin, heads I get your army tails you give me your army” and they responded “yeah that seems right.”

“Furies mate for life” boy wouldn’t it SUCK if Light already had a partner before you caught her? Wouldn’t it be JUST MISERABLE for you if Light decided that actually, fuck Toothless, he’s too human? Wouldn’t it just RAIN ON YOUR PARADE if it turned out that mating for life is a behavior only exhibited in cruel, forced captivity and thus is not present in Light, a wild fury, or Toothless, a fury who, the very moment he expressed desire, got Hiccup to build him a working tail? Wouldn’t it be just MAGNIFICENT if Toothless was already mated to Hiccup and Astrid? anyway my point is that this guy’s presented as a mastermind and he’s about as much a mastermind as Monster Musume’s generic protagonist.

HTTYD3 was a beautiful move and I don’t regret a single second nor cent I spent on it. But boy, could it have been so much better.

[96percentdone]

“You’re a terrible cook.” oumakura

the lord will never forgive me. the original sin was not eating the apple but me inventing oumakura. coming soon: oumakura ao3 compilations. ANYWAY lets go!

At this hour, no one is ever in the kitchen at Hope’s Peak Academy. It’s both too late to cook, and too early to go to bed. So naturally, it’s a prime opportunity for Izuru to make himself dinner and go. Or, at least this would normally be the case, but the overwhelming burnt stench in the dining hall is just too fresh for the kitchen to be empty. Automatically, a list of suspects fills his head, and at the top of the list--

He opens the kitchen door to find Ouma in front of a smoking wok and what seems to be the remains of a burnt stir fry. Who else could it be. The kitchen smells even worse, but since the smoke alarm didn’t go off, clearly Ouma is managing it in some way. Not that it saved his meal. “You’re a terrible cook,” Izuru says flatly. No greeting. He doesn’t see the point in those. 

“Oh?” Ouma bounces upright, turning his head to face Izuru. “Is that Kamukura-chan?” As expected, he’s not surprised. No slightly startled jump, or wider brow. No, of course not. Instead, Ouma wears a shit-eating grin, one that reeks of him being far too proud of himself. Like he’s already got Izuru in some kind of trap.

“I’m sorry you’ve lost your eyesight in the time since we’ve last met.”

“Ooooh, when did you learn sarcasm?” He’s giddy, but giddy in the way one is when they want to test your nerves.

“Well before you learned how to cook apparently,” Izuru says, walking up to the stove. As Ouma steps off to the side, Izuru takes the wok and the other remains of a failed meal (only the tea seems in tact) and dumps their contents in the trash.

Ouma is still watching him as he cleans up the pots and pan for his own use. “I can’t believe Kamukura-chan is going to cook for me!” They both know he’s not. Ouma’s just trying to get what he wants from Izuru.

“I’m only making enough for me. You can watch and learn, so long as you pay attention.” Izuru pulls out the ingredients for better stir fry from the fridge and the cabinets. He might as well demonstrate how to make a better version of whatever Ouma was attempting to go for. 

“Awww, and you’re not going to show me rom-com style?” Izuru can hear the exaggerated pout in his voice. “I’m so hurt.” No, he’s not. There’s no way he expects Izuru to cook for him. But he doesn’t know what Ouma did actually want. 

“Just watch.” And in case Ouma plans on messing around with his meal, “if you behave, I’ll consider letting you try it.” He glances over at Ouma to confirm his reaction, not needing to watch his own hands cut the peppers. 

Ouma lights up. The closed fists and the overly large smile are definitely for show, as is the way his eyes sparkle. But there’s something undefinable about the way he switched gears that rings of sincerity. So that’s what he wants. “Nishishi~ I bet Kamukura-chan is a worse cook than me, for all his bragging.”

“Then say goodbye to your 500 yen.”

At the end of it all, Kamukura-chan actually gives him a somewhat decent portion to try. Maybe out of pity. Mostly because Kokichi was really annoying about how his sampler was too small, and Kamukura-chan probably wanted him to shut up faster. He’s so easy to manipulate for a supergenius.

In front of him, Kamukura-chan placed a small plate, elegantly arranged with a small amount of rice, and a small amount of some kind of spicy stir fry, and even what seems like a shot glass of miso soup. “Wow....” he says, faux-ruminating over the small contents on his place. “It looks like shit!”

“That’s the worst lie you’ve told today.” Just today, huh? Kamukura-chan doesn’t sit across from him at the dining hall. He’s got his dinner all set up to go, no doubt planning on leaving once he’s won the bet. “Eat.”

“Oookaaaayyy,” Kokichi says, playing around with a sliced pepper with his chopsticks for a bit before shoving it into his mouth. Big mistake. Not because it tastes bad, no it’s a flood of spicy yet just a little sweet flavour more impressive than possibly anything ever, and yet that’s the problem. Because he wasn’t prepared for this. And he’s damn sure his surprise and awe are clear in his eyes. 

Kamukura-chan smirks, so small and slight you’d only notice if you were really paying attention, but to Kokichi it couldn’t be clearer. So he has other facial expressions after all. Amidst all the humiliation from being unable to hide his reaction, the smallest glimmer of pride blooms in his gut. It’s still there even when Kamukura-chan’s expression falls to it’s usual blank void and says “Pay up.”

“Ughh, fiiine,” Kokichi groans, channeling his previous humiliation into pseudo frustration as he tosses over a 500 yen coin. He’s okay with losing the bet. In fact, this is better than he planned. Kamukura-chan catches the coin with ease and without a word leaves the dining hall. “Byeeee Kamukura-chan, you rude monstrosity!” He doesn’t react when the door closes.

As soon as he’s gone, Kokichi pulls out the onigiri he bought at the store ahead of time. All in all, operation “Make Kamukura-chan give me dinner” was a success. He takes a sip of the miso soup; something else warm grows in his chest.

[multifandomfanfiction]

On My Side of the Fence

TITLE: On My Side of the Fence PAIRING: [Crowley/OC] RATING: T CHAPTER: One-shot SUMMARY: Crowley and Cassiel have quite the history, much like him and Aziraphale, but with a twist.

[A/N - Started out inspired by “On My Side of the Fence” by Dan and Shay, but towards the end it ended up being “Good Girl Winnie Foster” from Tuck Everlasting. You’ll see why.]

Cassiel and Crowley (at that time Crawley) met in the Garden of Eden. They met a few minutes after Aziraphale and Crawley met the first time.

“Didn’t you have a companion with you also?” Crawley asked.

Aziraphale looked around for her and sighed. “Oh no! She’s probably somewhere in the garden”.

“I’ll go and find her for you”.

“You would? Oh thank you”.

Crawley found her playing at the base of a waterfall, her white dress clinging to her skin. “Aren’t you an innocent little thing?” he asked.

She gasped and spun around in the water. Her blue eyes met his gold slitted ones. Cassiel knew he was a demon, but he was rather attractive.

His fire red hair stood out with all the black he wore. “What’s your name, love?”

“Cassiel. And yours?”

“Crawley”.

Cassiel wrinkled her nose.

“What?” he asked her.

“It doesn’t suit you”.

Crawley smiled.

Cassiel swam up to the river bank where Crawley stood.

He made the mistake of kneeling down, because Cassiel grabbed his wrist and pulled him into the water.

Cassiel giggled as Crawley resurfaced, wiping the water from his eyes.

“Not so innocent, are you?” he asked her.

Cassiel bit her bottom lip and smiled. Yes, this angel was definitely not like the others. She was a rule breaker and loved getting into trouble.

Crawley could grow to like her.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crawley encountered Aziraphale again in Mesopotamia. “Hello Aziraphale!”

“Crawley”.

“So, giving the mortals a flaming sword. How did that work out for you?”

“The Almighty has never actually mentioned it again”.

“Probably a good thing. What’s this all about? Build a big boat and fill it with a traveling zoo?”

“From what I hear, God’s a bit tetchy. Wiping out the human race. Big storm”.

“All of them?”

“Just the locals. I don’t believe the Almighty’s upset with the Chinese. Or the Native Americans. Or the Australians”.

“Yet”.

“And God’s not actually going to wipe out all the locals. I mean, Noah, up there, his family, his sons, their wives. They’re all going to be fine”.

“But they’re drowning everybody else?”

Aziraphale nodded.

Crawley looked around at all the children. “Not the kids. You can’t kill kids”.

Aziraphale said nothing.

“Well, that’s more the kind of thing you’d expect my lot to do”.

“Yes, but when it’s done, the Almighty’s going to put a new thing, called a “rain bow”, as a promise not to drown everyone again”.

“How kind”.

“You can’t judge the Almighty, Crawley. God’s plans are...”

“Are you going to say ineffable?”

“...Possibly”.

“By the way, where’s your cute little angel companion? Cassiel is it?”

“Why?”

Crawley shrugged. “Just wondering. You two seem to be attached at the hip”.

“She didn’t want to be here…when it happened. She was very displeased to hear about what the Almighty had planned”.

“Shame. Would’ve loved to have talked to her again”.

Aziraphale looked at the demon, who was now watching a unicorn run off.

When they met again in Golgotha, there was still no sign of the mischievous female angel.

“She’s being punished”, Aziraphale told him.

“Punished?” Crawley, now Crowley, asked.

“She’s been forbidden from visiting earth”.

Crowley didn’t care how, but he wanted to see his angel again.

If Heaven harmed a single hair on her precious head, someone would pay.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The next time they met, it was Ancient Rome.

Cassiel (now released from Heaven) had tagged along with Aziraphale and run into Crowley at a Roman bar. Cassiel knew him when he walked into the establishment.

Everyone around them was dressed in whites and reds and he was dressed all in black with a pair of tinted glasses on his face.

“Crawley…Crowley. Well, fancy running into you here”, Aziraphale said.

Crowley looked over his shoulder and saw Cassiel standing there. She was just as beautiful as he remembered.

“Still a demon, then?” Aziraphale asked Crowley.

“What kind of stupid question is that? ‘Still a demon?’ What else am I gonna be, an aardvark?” Crowley snapped.

Cassiel giggled, causing Crowley to smirk. He rather liked the sound of her giggle.

“In Rome long?” Aziraphale asked.

“Just nipped in for a quick temptation. Although I could be persuaded to stay longer”.

Crowley looked at Cassiel, who blushed and looked down at her feet.

“I thought I’d try Petronius’ new restaurant”, Aziraphale said, “I hear he does remarkable things to oysters”.

“I’ve never eaten an oyster”.

“Oh. Oh, well, let me tempt you to…”

Crowley gave him a look.

“Oh, no. That’s your job, isn’t it?” Aziraphale said.

Crowley looked at Cassiel. “Do you mind if I steal her for a few hours?”

Cassiel looked between her fellow angel and the demon.

“I suppose. If Cassiel doesn’t mind”, Aziraphale said.

Cassiel nodded.

“Great”, Crowley said, finishing off his drink. He took Cassiel’s hand and led her out of the bar.

They walked down the street to a Roman bath house.

“I can’t go in there with you”, she said.

“I just want somewhere private to talk”. They found an empty room and Crowley miracled the door shut. “There. No one’s barging in on us now”.

“Why did you want to talk to me privately?”

“Because I’ve been wanting to see you”.

“See me? Why?”

“Because you’re so irritatingly interesting”.

“I don’t know whether to feel flattered or insulted”.

Her smart mouth made him smile. Cassiel wouldn’t admit it, but she found Crowley fascinating. He came closer to her.

“Woah. What do you think you’re doing?” she asked him.

Crowley leaned in and kissed Cassiel. He’d been waiting centuries to do it, so if this was his only chance, he was going to take it.

Cassiel pulled away with wide eyes and started to walk away.

“Cassiel, wait!” Crowley said, grabbing her arm.

“Let me go”.

“It’s okay”.

“No, no it’s not! You’re a demon! I’m an angel! I shouldn’t…”

“Shouldn’t what, love?”

She turned to face him and Crowley placed a hand on her cheek.

“Shouldn’t what?” he asked her.

Cassiel’s eyes flickered down to his lips. “I shouldn’t want you the way I do”.

“Then don’t resist it”.

“You don’t understand. Please let me go”.

Crowley finally released her and she ran away from him.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

They met again in Arthurian England.

It didn’t take much to find her, thanks to a tip-off from Aziraphale (who she kept in regular contact with).

The angel didn’t approve of the way the demon constantly sought Cassiel out, but he allowed it because Crowley seemed to genuinely care for her.

“What happened between you two in Rome anyway? She gets all testy when I say your name”, Aziraphale asked.

“I may have kissed her”.

“You did what? Crowley!”

“What? I figured I’d take a chance. Look, do you know where she is or not?”

There was a knock on Cassiel’s chamber door. She answered it and found Crowley standing there. “What are you doing here?” she hissed. She grabbed him by his tunic and pulled her into her room. “Did Aziraphale tell you where I was?”

“It wouldn’t have been hard to find you. I’ve heard talk of a fair maiden that spreads love and joy wherever she goes”.

Cassiel blushed. “Why are you here?”

Crowley approached her. “You know why”.

“Crowley…”

His hands came up to cup her face as his golden eyes burned into her blue ones.

Cassiel’s eyes fell shut the moment Crowley’s lips touched hers. Her hands slid up his chest and fisted his tunic, pulling him closer to her.

Crowley’s hands gripped her tightly as he walked her back towards the bed.

When Cassiel’s knees hit the bed, she fell back.

Crowley stared down at the panting angel. The desire was clear on her face.

“Do you wanna keep going?” he asked her.

Cassiel gave him a sweet smile that quickly turned into a mischievous one as her hands pulled up the hem of her dress. She grabbed Crowley’s hand and placed it on her upper thigh. “I don’t wanna stop”, she told him.

That was all Crowley needed to hear as he slammed his lips on hers.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Their love affair continued throughout the centuries, despite her still spending most of her time on earth with Aziraphale.

It wasn’t until the 17th century that they became serious about pursuing a relationship with each other.

After conversing with Aziraphale and losing a coin toss, Crowley turned to leave.

“I’m surprised you haven’t asked about her yet”, Aziraphale said.

The demon stopped.

“She’s here you know”, Aziraphale told him, pointing to the stage, “At least say goodbye to her before you go”.

Crowley rolled his eyes and approached her where she stood next to the stage.

Cassiel felt two hands wrap around her waist. “Crowley”, she said, her hands settling on his on her stomach. She always knew when it was him. She could feel his darkness.

Crowley buried his nose in her hair, taking in her sweet scent. “How are you, my darling?”

“I’ve missed you. Staying in town long?”

“Heading out actually. Come with me?”

“What exactly are you asking?”

“For you to be with me. Like exclusively”.

Cassiel turned her head and looked at him, searching his golden eyes for any deception. When she found none, she nodded. “Okay”.

Crowley took her hand and began to lead her out of the Globe Theater.

Cassiel waved at Aziraphale as they left. Her fellow angel rolled his eyes.

If Heaven or Hell found out about their relationship, all three of them would be in trouble.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Cassiel and Aziraphale didn’t have the best time in Paris during the Reign of Terror.

“I’m telling you this is a bad idea”, she told him.

“Everything will be fine. We’ll go and get some crepes and then pop back over the Channel. It’ll be fine. You’ll see”.

“You there! Stop!” a man yelled. Two men flanked Aziraphale and grabbed him.

“Let him go!” Cassiel begged, “Please don’t do this!”

“Quiet!” a man hissed at her.

“Unhand me!” Aziraphale snapped as they started to drag him away.

“Aziraphale!” Cassiel yelled, as a man held her back.

“I’ll be fine! It’s just a misunderstanding!”

The men led him away, leaving Cassiel standing there by herself. “Crowley!” she screamed at the sky.

“No need to shout, love”.

She spun around and threw her arms around him.

“What’s wrong, my angel?” he asked her.

“They took Aziraphale! They’re going to kill him!”

“No, they’re not. Not if I have anything to say about. I’ll get him. Wait here”.

A few minutes later, Aziraphale and Crowley were standing next to her.

“Oh thank God!” Cassiel said.

Crowley opened his mouth to say something.

“Don’t even think about it. I know what smart remark is about to come out of your mouth”, she told him.

“Children. Calm down. I think the hysteria is getting to you”, Aziraphale joked.

Cassiel rolled her eyes. “Let’s just get your crepes and get out of this damned city”, Cassiel told them.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The years passed by as Cassiel spent more and more time with Crowley. So much that she had practically moved in with him. Wherever he went, she went as well.

But 1967 was the year Cassiel and Crowley finally admitted to loving each other.

“You did what?!” Cassiel yelled.

“I gave him what he wanted”, Aziraphale told her.

Cassiel shook her head at her friend and raced over to Crowley’s flat. When she arrived, she used her key and let herself in.

On Crowley’s desk sat the thermos of Holy Water.

A hand grabbed her wrist as she reached for it.

“What do you think you’re doing, love?” he asked her.

“What do you think you’re doing? How could you ask him for this?!”

“Technically I asked for it 105 years ago”.

Cassiel’s eyes softened and Crowley could tell she was on the verge of tears. “Crowley, please”.

“Why? Because you love me?”

“Yes. I do. I love you Crowley. Which is why I can’t understand why you would want to do this”.

Crowley sighed. Against his better judgement, he’d grown to love the angel standing in front of him.

She was his whole world. She had been since the Garden of Eden.

“Promise me”, she said, “Promise me you won’t do it”.

“My angel…”

“Promise me!”

Crowley didn’t answer her and she broke down. Crowley released her wrist and wrapped his arms around her.

“Please I don’t want to lose you”, she cried.

“You won’t”.

It wasn’t the promise she wanted to hear, but she would accept it. She knew Crowley would look out for himself, but she still worried that Heaven or Hell would get a hold of him and she’d never seen him again.

“Why don’t we get you to bed?” he suggested.

Angels don’t sleep, but there were consequences for fornicating with a demon.

Heaven had cut her off. Unofficially disowned her was more like it. She no longer had the power she used to, but she didn’t mind it. She liked feeling more human.

Since she was no longer an angel, in 1983 she decided to take a more human name. Winnie Foster.

After the main character from “Tuck Everlasting”.

Aziraphale had gifted her the book shortly after it had been published and she fell in love with it.

Crowley, of course, didn’t understand why she loved it so much.

“Because the Tuck’s are like us. We’ll never grow old. Never die”, she told him.

Despite being practically human and having human needs like food and sleep, she never aged. But her feelings for Crowley never faltered.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

To Crowley’s knowledge, the delivery of the Anti-Christ went according to plan. When Crowley arrived back at his apartment, he found Winnie asleep in his bed lying on her stomach with her head buried in his pillow.

It was stressful times like this where he was thankful to God or Satan or whoever that he had her.

Crowley shed his jacket and crawled on top of her, holding himself up on his hands and knees.

Winnie stirred and turned her head towards him as Crowley leaned down, pressing his lips to the corner of her mouth. “Crowley?” Her blue eyes opened and she rolled over on her back.

Crowley lowered himself onto her, pressing her into the mattress as his lips met hers.

Winnie sighed into the kiss as her hands found his hair.

He pulled away from her and set his forehead on hers as he twirled a piece of her hair around his finger.

Winnie’s breathing leveled out, telling him she was asleep again.

Crowley rolled off of her and took her in his arms. In the morning he would meet with Aziraphale about what to do about the Anti-Christ, but for now he was content to hold his angel in his arms as she slept.

[imgonnabeyourbubblegumwitch]

What’s so Great About... Huey?

A Huey Duck Character Analysis 

Part Four - What’s so great about Huey

(Part One here . Part Two here . Part Three here)

Welcome to the what's so great about Huey part of What's So Great About Huey? I'm going to start somewhere a little contradictory which is the first time Huey really frustrated me.

It was in The Infernal Internship of Mark Beaks. And I'll admit in this episode the first time through I was very much rooting for Dewey. I'd not been watching long and I hadn't really got a feel for Huey's character yet. In that episode he seemed so rigid. I think it was his insistence that the slides were not for fun but efficiency that was a moment that particularly stood out.

But this is one of the reasons I now think Huey is so great, partly because he is so thorough. He wants to understand the world around him, whether that's driven by his fear of the unknown, or curiosity, or a list of categorising or a combination of all of these, the outcome is really impressive. He is continually adding to the Junior Woodchuck Guidebook. He is a hard worker and as a result has an impressive bank of skills including sewing, knot tying, trap making, navigating, map making, electronics etc.

Look at all his badges (and his lopsided sash!) Huey is crazy hyper-competent.

As well as having a lot of skills to draw on, Huey is resourceful. He is able to use things in a situation to his advantage. An example of this is in The Spear of Selene where he realises that the breezy togas could carry him up to the bag of winds. Huey is also able to figure out that Fenton could be controlling the suit in Who is Gizmoduck?

H: Just rip out the processing core!

Huey is a team player. He has his moments of wanting to shine like in McMystery at McDuck Manor, but on the whole Huey enjoys being part of a team whether it’s the Junior Woodchucks, or the triplets.

Huey is enthusiastic too. He clearly loves being a Junior Woodchuck and this shows in his excitement in getting new patches. He is constantly learning, constantly striving for the next skill, for the next patch and he always does it with such cheer. Even when others aren't interested in his hobbies, even when they openly talk down about them, he still pursues with what he enjoyed. In that sense Huey can be said to have a lot of confidence in being himself.

Bearing in mind his enthusiasm and how much he strives for his patches, I really liked how Huey encourages Scrooge to go back in the Impossible Summit of Mount Neverrest. He acknowledges that the danger has run too great and demonstrates that he is not prepared to risk everything in pursuing a badge.

H: Junior Woodchuck Rule 727: sometimes the bravest thing an explorer can do is walk away!

It makes his decision to join with the Beagle Brothers in The Day of the Only Child! all the funnier.  Since the death is only "possible" he opts to go for the badge.

H: Possible death, definite badge, possible death, definite badge, definite badge, Definite Badge!

I think one of Huey's biggest strengths however is his kindness. As mentioned before, Huey gives Webby tips on how to cope on her first bus ride despite the fact he wasn't initially keen to have her along. A couple of episodes later in The Beagle Birthday Massacre! he is quick to offer her his place on the boat. When she thinks Lena has run off, Huey comforts her, promising they won't leave her behind again and making jokes about leaving Louie behind instead.  

His kindness is seen towards his siblings too. One of my favourite examples is The Living Mummies of Toth Rah! Huey is quick to comfort Dewey when his facts don't quite gel with Dewey's idea of a mummy army.

D: "Oh man what if there's a whole army of mummies down here?"

H: "Unlikely mummification was an expensive process meant for royalty it would be rare for more than one… mummy… Toth Ra was pretty rich I bet there's at least six."  

Huey hasn't even finished his sentence before he's twigged that he has upset Dewey and then he immediately alters what he is saying to cheer Dewey back up. And Dewey is cheered.

Huey often notices when the others are going too far with Donald. In the House of the Lucky Gander, when Louie is saying how cool Gladstone and Scrooge are, slightly Donald, Huey chips in when Donald looks downcast.

H: Hey come on Uncle Donald is kind of cool.  

It's maybe not the most ringing endorsement and his delivery is a little hesitant as though he doesn't quite believe what he's saying. And maybe he doesn't. Huey isn’t a great liar and as far as the triplets have seen Donald hasn't done anything especially cool at this point. But Huey is trying to cheer Donald up. Unlike Dewey and Louie who can be a little oblivious and careless with others around them, most of the time Huey is incredibly kind and thoughtful.

(Just not when he's angry - you may not like him when he's angry!)

Similarly when Donald is preparing for his job interview in Woo-oh! he cooks Donald a good luck breakfast. This is a really nurturing gesture, and it's nice to see Huey (and Louie who tries to dress him) trying to take care of their uncle.

Huey isn't just kind to his family and friends, but extends this even to people who are technically his enemies. He is calm and patient with the Beagle Brothers in Day of the Only Child! He shows himself to be a great teacher and gives out praise and encouragement which quickly endears him to the Beagle Brothers who haven't been shown anything like the kindness Huey gives them. And he gives it to them without thought. It doesn't occur to him that teaching these kind of skills to people who have previously tried to kidnap him may not be a good idea - he is simply happy to share what he has learnt.

“the poachers knot was a good instinct but what you want here is a double overhead noose”

A lovely moment in this episode that further showcases both Huey's nurturing nature and his kind heart is when he tries the food Bouncer cooks. He is clearly apprehensive but tries the food anyway because it was cooked for him. When it is (surprisingly) good he is quick to offer compliments.

Huey is also kind to Gavin the bigfoot. We the audience know this is misplaced kindness. But after finding the injured Gavin and helping him, Huey's instinct is to take the bigfoot home and care for him. This is despite the fact that keeping Gavin in the house could get Huey in trouble, something he is obviously aware of as he goes to lengths to keep the bigfoot secret.  

As well as being kind, Huey is protective. He is especially protective of his brothers. He's protective in big ways like in the Living Mummies of Toth Rah! the expression on his face when he learns Louie and Webby are missing/trapped shows just how much he cares and worries. He clings to the bars like a safety net, and then when he turns his expression shows his fury.

Another example is in the Impossible Summit of Mount Neverrest where the others being in danger prompts Huey to realise they are going too far. He doesn't want them to be hurt, and isn't willing to risk the danger for a badge.

 Huey is also protective in smaller ways. In The Other Bin of Scrooge McDuck! Huey tries to stop Louie manipulating Dewey into doing the laundry, pointing out to Louie how mad Dewey is going to be. Huey seems to have a strong moral compass: he is often against Louie's morally ambiguous actions like stealing from the little girl in The Spear of Selene. He also quickly loses faith in Gizmoduck once Gizmoduck begins to work for Beaks as Gizmoduck is no longer performing real heroics and asks Gizmoduck to literally throw away Huey's faith.

 I'll end with my favourite Huey moment. Just like Dewey there are a lot to choose from but I think I'm split pretty fifty fifty for two that could be considered his best for me.

The first is his utter fascination and adoration for the waters of auraidon. How calming he finds it is adorable.

H: Water. Dancing. Calm. Washing over me. Never felt… so at peace.

My second favourite moment of his is a bit of a cop out because I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned it before, but it's everything he does in The Missing Links of Mooreshire! It's one of my favourite episodes of the first season and Huey is on top form. He charmed me the first time with his commentator voice and it still makes me laugh every time.

H: Glomgold now very obviously switching the official coin for one that has heads on both sides.

L: Very sneaky.

H: He tosses the double headed coin… and Glomgold has called - tails!

I hope you enjoyed this what's so great about Huey series. Huey is a fantastic character and I’m looking forward to see how he’s going to develop in the next season. 

(Next up: Louie!)