#and once again. i urge you to log off the fucking internet if you feel the need to send hateful messages or dox someone

[ceilidho]

hey guys this should be completely fucking obvious but like. don't send fucking death threats or worse to people, especially over online discourse and fanfiction. jesus christ. literally the whole point of every post i've made on this subject has been about how harmful getting those kinds of messages has been to me so don't think that it's suddenly fine to send them to someone else.

[paingoes]

Rubies

Web 2.0

(Content: living weapon whumpee, guilt, conditioning, past abuse, caretaker new master)

Apollo had stayed true to his promise of making the room less sparse. He’d brought down books from upstairs so Delta would have something to do besides staring off into space whenever he locked himself in his room. He’d given him a journal too, which Delta found tremendously suspicious. Delta had a habit of destroying everything he’d ever written just as soon as he had finished. He would continue on in this tradition. Anyone having that kind of direct access to his thoughts terrified him. He was grateful for the books, though. 

It was Kitty who offered her old laptop.

“Don’t…look too hard through that,” She said with a nervous smile. She’d done all she could to reset it, but she couldn’t be sure there weren’t still some gems lying around in its SSD. 

Delta reflexively recoiled at the offer. There was such a strong impulse in his head to avoid getting caught with the laptop. It carried over now, even when freely offered. She left it on the desk for him. He would only use it in the dead of night, out of pure habit. It didn’t feel the same as it used to. It couldn’t hold his attention for very long.

There was a practical reason to reintroduce it, though. Kitty acted a bit furtive about it; Apollo said they weren’t supposed to be working. That’s what unpaid leave meant. But there wasn’t really anyone else they could kick it off to. They had to go through the archives. 

Kitty had already backed up everything he had posted publicly, plus all the exchanges they’d had in private. He’d focused in more once she’d mentioned it, agreeing it needed to be deleted as soon as possible so that there was nothing left to piece together about his alleged death. But there was other information on there that only he had access to, that they now needed to preserve before scrubbing.

katkittykat: ok we also were gonna try and offer u whistleblower immunity

katkittykat: but forget it i know u wont accept it

ndhakdvsnnd: im not a whistleblower

katkittykat: see what did i say 

ndhakdvsnnd: can you fuck off

They scrolled through the archived chat logs in dim silence. Kitty was sitting next to him on the floor with the new old laptop up on the coffee table. Neither of them needed to say it. It was weird to go through their old texts while in person. 

It wasn’t Kitty’s first time meeting an internet friend. She had done it more times than she could count. Almost all of them had been shyer and more reserved in person, so she had already expected Delta to follow in that trend. But it was clear that what was going on with him is a different beast entirely.

When she turned to look at him, his eyes were cast down again and his head was bowed. Loose strands fell in his face. He removed his hand from the touchpad, letting it rest in his lap.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly, “I…shouldn’t have talked to you like that.”

“Just bants, man.” Kitty elbowed him — not a good idea. He winced, the pain reigniting in the handprint-shaped bruise around his upper arm.

“It was disrespectful.” He closed his eyes. It was guilt — not fear — that was audible in his voice.

“I’ve never done anything respectable,” she joked.

He opened his eyes to meet her own. His expression was wholly disbelieving. It wasn’t a joke to him. She remembered how sincerely he’d spoken the other day. Thank you for saving me. She’d tried to brush it off, but her heart had hurt badly afterwards. It hurt again now.

“Don’t worry about it. Seriously.” She had to resist the urge to squeeze his shoulder the way she would with her other friends; she saw how he had flinched whenever she touched him. Thankfully, he didn’t mention it again.

The loading icon went around and around as the account was deleted. Just as soon as it stopped, the home page of the forum appeared. In bold letters, it read Sign Up.

“You gonna make a new account?” She asked.

“Do you think I should?” His hand hovered over the button. 

“I dunno. You were active way before you started posting all the leaks. I thought you were having a good time with it,” she paused, “Guess it might be kind of touchy now though?”

It did make him really anxious to be on the computer. It made him feel too much like he was about to be caught out, as little sense as it made. He started to shrug, then stopped himself. Disrespectful.

“Yes, miss,” he agreed, “It’s…touchy.”

That was putting it mildly, but he had no desire to say more. He pocketed the thought, though. He probably would get back online later. It just felt like too much to do it now, without her explicit guidance. The thought alone was starting to overwhelm him. He shifted uncomfortably.

“Can I go back in my room, miss?” He asked in a soft voice. 

“Yeah, whatever. You don’t have to ask.” She tried to reassure him. He’d gotten scared at some point; she could see it in the way he held himself. She didn’t really want for him to go off to deal with it alone, but she wasn’t going to force him to stay. She watched as he disappeared behind the door. He’d left the laptop behind. She shut it for him, then stretched upwards, climbing up onto the couch.

=======

“Does he talk to you?” Apollo would later ask her. He added, a bit dejectedly, “He doesn’t talk to me.”

“Nah.” She shook her head.

“Well, it’s still early,” Apollo started arguing with himself when she wouldn’t, “I guess he’s still scared. I’m not sure what I can say to him that isn’t going to sound trite. He always hated it when I tried say stuff like that to him over text. So defensive. I don’t know if it’ll go over better or worse now.”

She could tell he’d been thinking about it often. Fussing came so naturally to him. She’d liked it a lot when they were a little younger, when she was even crazier and badly needed someone to try and reel her back in. It isn’t lost on her that Delta has the exact opposite problem, that Apollo’s delimiting nature could have the opposite effect. He badly wanted for things to be clean.

“You shouldn’t take it purrsonally.” The pun slipped into her voice even when she was trying to be serious.

“I know,” he agreed, “I…don’t think he was allowed to talk before. It’s rude to speculate. I don’t want to be presumptuous. But.”

He threw his hands up at the wrists, not finishing the sentence. There was nothing to do but speculate. It was clear enough Delta had not been treated well; the bruises spoke for themselves. But the particulars of his behavior were a kind of puzzle box. He offered no key for it.

Galatea had dealt with Empire’s lot before, both refugees and defectors. Apollo had met many of them personally. There was always a stilted manner in which they spoke. The customs of Empire still remained enigmatic to all those living outside of it. Apollo had no way of telling how much of Delta’s behavior was just a cultural difference — or even a linguistic one — and how much of it was something deeper. He could not tell how much of it was motivated by fear or confusion or simple exhaustion. How much of it was what he wanted vs what he thought he was supposed to do. Apollo wished desperately for some kind of candor between them. Still, he understood that it would be asking a lot of him at that point. He sighed. 

========

The knock was soft and rhythmic. Delta jumped, immediately moving to hide the laptop beneath his blanket. It wasn’t as good as beneath the mattress, but decent enough on short notice. He mechanically slid off the bed, dropping onto his knees at the foot of it. The door did not open.

“Can I come in?” It was Apollo’s voice on the other side. Yes, obviously. It wasn’t locked.

“Yes, sir,” Delta answered anyway. 

Apollo pushed the door open. His eyes widened a little to see Delta kneeling, but he did not show the same visible alarm that he had before. He slid the door shut behind him, leaning back against it.

“I thought it might be good for us to talk,” Apollo said. He tried to read Delta’s body language, but it did not shift by much. Deliberately controlled. He didn’t answer, staring up at Apollo with huge eyes, patient and expectant. Apollo pushed himself on. It was trite, but if there really was any confusion about Delta’s position, it wouldn’t be right to leave him hanging.

“You can sit. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about, actually. Levon told you he wasn’t going to hurt you, didn’t he? And you know that me and Kitty won’t either? You don’t have to be scared of us. You’re safe here.”

Delta didn’t move off of the ground. His head had lowered a little bit, as if he was being scolded. He didn’t take his eyes off of Apollo. 

Apollo squatted down onto his heels, trying to get to Delta’s level.

“Are you scared?” He asked.

“…Yes, sir.” Delta nodded slowly.

“Okay,” Apollo nodded too, rubbing his chin, “That’s okay. Can I ask why?”

Delta’s wrung his hands anxiously; it was a childhood habit, one he’d mostly gotten out of by the time he’d graduated. It’d returned with a vengeance.

“I don’t know.” He said shamefully. “Sir. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry. It’s okay. I just wanted to check in on how you’re feeling. I can’t tell a lot of the time. You know you can talk to me or Kitty if you’re upset, right? We want you to be comfortable here. You can tell us if something is wrong.”

Apollo doubted it even as he said it. It seemed unlikely that Delta would come to them for anything, that he might not be physically capable of it at this point. But if he introduced the idea early — and reminded him often — it might start to sink in. For the time being, Delta did not respond.

“I’m assuming the kneeling is a habit, right?” Apollo ventured. Delta seemed a bit alarmed at the suggestion. 

“It’s just to be respectful. Sir.” Delta explained in a quiet voice.

He considered this. It might’ve been easier if it was just muscle memory, not a deliberate effort on Delta’s part. The mindset would be harder to get him out of. But Apollo was very glad that Delta had been willing to explain his reasoning to him. It was a good sign.

“Okay. You don’t have to,” He stated very clearly, “You can stand up. We won’t think it’s disrespectful. No one else will, either. You don’t have to do it.”

Again, not much changed in Delta’s expression. He offered the same quiet noise of affirmation, not voicing anything else. 

“Do you have any questions?” Apollo cursed himself for not asking sooner. But Delta didn’t take advantage of the opportunity the way he had hoped. 

“No, sir.” Delta folded his hands in his lap. He’d answered too soon. Apollo wondered if the question had come across as bullying. He got the sense he was starting to push too far out of Delta’s comfort zone. 

“Alright. Let me know if you need anything. Like I said, you can talk to us whenever. We’re right out here.” He stood up, feeling a little bad that Delta was still kneeling. He started to close the door.

He heard a soft “Thank you” just before it clicked shut.

…………

tags:

@catnykit @snakebites-and-ink @vivulapom @scoundrelwithboba @whatwhump

@pumpkin-spice-whump @deluxewhump @fuckass1000 @fuckcapitalismasshole @defire

@micechomper @writereleaserepeat

[kingexpl0sionmurder]

Body Electric - Kaminari Denki - Smut

Author: @kingexpl0sionmurder Pairing: Kaminari Denki/F!Reader Rating: 18+ (contains smut) Words: 5,491 Warnings: Sex work (Cam boy/girl), Quirkless AU, Aged-up Adult characters (someone is in grad school! wow!), mentions of masturbation (both male and female), mentions of casual ShinKami, established KiriBaku, Idk they are all just really sexually liberated and don’t care about watching each other cum. Is that voyeurism? I’m bad at tagging things. Title taken from a Lana Del Rey song. AN: Another BNHarem collab piece! The theme was sex work, and I have wanted to do a camboy Denki for a long time so here we go. This was really smutty in my head but Denki makes me soft and it turned out really cute in the end, I’m sorry? He’s such a dork I feel like any sexual encounter with him would just turn out like this in some way, idk.  Thanks to @unbreakablekiribaku​ and @sailorsero​ as usual for being supportive of me. Happy birthday to @lady-bakuhoe and @burnedbyshoto​ 🎂🎂 There is no one else I would rather be birthday triplets with!

Please check out the Collab Masterlist: HERE Look 👀 at My Masterlist: HERE Buy me a Kofi if you’re scared of clowns too: HERE

---

Sighing, you sat up on your elbows, squinting at the chat on the screen, willing your heart to stop pounding and your breath to even out. The donations were pouring in, the chat moving so fast you couldn’t even read it. “Alright, lovelies, I hope you enjoyed that. Be right back and we’ll chat a little bit, okay?”

Donations popped up, the chat slowing a little as the clients who only came to jerk off to you left, leaving those who considered themselves true fans. You stood and made your way to the bathroom to pee, rinsing your toy off in the sink and washing your hands. You went back to your room, pulling on a hoodie and settling in front of the screen again.

“Alright, I’m back! I have some time for a few questions and then I have to go for the night. Let me see what we got!” You scanned the chat, ignoring the normal inappropriate questions. Mindfucker:  Do you know who Chargebolt is? Cause I heard he watches your stream.

Your heart, which had finally slowed to a normal rhythm, picked up again. You most definitely knew who Chargebolt was. You gave him a good amount of money from your donations when you watched his cam shows yourself. “I do actually, he’s pretty popular on here, isn’t he?” You sat back a little, furrowing your brows. “How do you know he watches me?”

RedDaddy: He did a Q&A and mentioned your channel! Told everyone to check you out.

You recognized the names of the viewers and knew they were also regulars on Chargebolt’s streams as well, so you believed them. Chargebolt was gorgeous and funny, just your type. The knowledge that he was interested in you enough to watch you get off on camera was flattering. You hoped your blush wasn’t showing on your face. 

“I’m surprised he knows who I am!” You had missed the last Q&A he’d done, since it hadn’t been on his normal streaming day, and you’d been stuck at work late. Leaning forward again, you bit your lip, looking into the camera from under your lashes. “Can I tell you guys a secret? I watch him, too. Why do you think I never do shows on Thursdays? That’s Chargebolt day.” With a wink you sat back, trying to will the blush from your cheeks. Mindfucker: I knew it! I bet he’s watching right now. You smiled, shrugging. “I hope he enjoyed the show, then!” You tried to hold it together, suppressing the urge to burst into a fit of giggles at the thought, answering a few more silly questions from your regulars, before signing off for the night, promising to be back again the following week.

You let out a breath you didn’t even know you were holding, leaning your head back and groaning. It was wild that the guy whose cam shows you watched on the regular, the one who had inspired you to start your own, who you thought of half the time when you were filming yourself getting off on camera for strangers, knew who you were and was one of your viewers. 

It brought you down a whole rabbit hole for a second, wondering if he got off on you getting off. Why else would he watch? Did he ever donate? You assumed he had a secondary account so you wouldn’t know it was him even if you tried to look at your past viewers, just like you had a secret account so you could watch him as well. 

Cracking your eyes open, you clicked to view the donation tallies for the evening. You’d made enough to pay the rent on your apartment for the month in just one night. Sometimes you wondered how you ever managed to survive before you started doing this. It was meant to be a temporary side job, but you’d been running this cam channel under the screen name Neko for over six months, and you had clawed your way out of debt in such a short time, it didn’t make sense for you to stop.

You viewed a few more visitor stats with interest, before logging off the computer and shutting the laptop. You had to get to sleep for your real job in the morning, so you figured it was time for bed, pushing thoughts of Chargebolt to the back of your mind for now.

It wasn’t until later when you were lying down to sleep, that you thought of him again. Your eyes closed as you ran through a scenario in your head, wondering if he would mention you on Thursday, and what would come of all this? You had noticed your viewer numbers had spiked that day, so it was definitely beneficial that you’d caught his eye. You just weren’t sure what would happen next.

--

Denki was grinning into the camera, wiping the cum off of his abs with the towel he kept beside him, his chest and cheeks flushed pink. He adjusted in his chair, tugging the toy out of his hole and chucking it to the side, pulling his boxers back up over his softening cock. “I hope it was as good for you as it was for me, babes.” 

He chuckled at the comments flooding the chat as he reached for his water and took a sip. 

Tapeman: As always, you never disappoint me, Chargebolt.

“Hey thanks, Tapeman! I appreciate you always coming to hang out...get it? Coming?”

Mindfucker: Ridiculous.

“Aw, you love me, Mindfucker.” He winked at the camera. “So, did you guys enjoy my Q&A the other day?”

The chat filled with praise, making him grin. He loved to talk to his fans, and sometimes they had some great questions for him. He knew a lot of people just watched him as a way to get off, but he liked to give a little piece of himself to them because he knew that most of the people who watched were probably lonely, and he wanted to help with that in some way. He kept things laid back, joking and laughing with his viewers before and after the show, taking requests and doing his best to remember some of the regulars. Some of the few who had been with him from the beginning he’d made into moderators to help with keeping things somewhat orderly in the chat. Some of them he actually knew in real life, like his roommate Hitoshi, who used the alias Mindfucker.

Mindfucker: So are we going to talk about Neko? Denki’s eyebrows rose. “Oh, you mean the stream the other day? It was…” He made the appropriate motion as he said it. “Chef’s kiss, immaculate. She’s so beautiful…” Trailing off, he let himself think back to the way your chest heaved and the face you made when you came. “I would do anything for her, man.”

RedDaddy: Dude, I agree! She’s also super sweet, like, the total package.

Sighing, he leaned his elbow on the desk, his cheek resting on his palm. “I am a simp, my guy.” He sat up, squinting at the chat. “She said she watches, right? Is she here right now?” He scanned the names of the viewers, frowning. “She probably has a second account. Well, if you’re here, Neko, you should hit me up. I read all of my DM’s okay?” He grinned, winking again. “Alright, I have to go feed the cats so I’m outie 5000, thanks for hanging out and I’ll see you guys next week!”

He said his goodbyes, ending the stream and sighing. He wiped off his toy with the towel and clicked through his stats for the day, smiling at some of the comments that came with the donations. Hitoshi came into his room a few minutes later, holding one of the cats, an orange tabby named Miso, in his arms. “I fed them, you don’t have to.”

Was it weird that his roommate watched him fuck himself on toys and jerk off on the internet on a weekly basis? Nope. Denki had forgone all sense of modesty when it came to sex a long time ago, and Hitoshi was the same. It helped that they fucked around on occasion, best friends who got lonely and lived together sometimes did that, he guessed. Or maybe they were weird. It was whatever, he didn’t like to think about it too much. 

“What would I do without you, Toshi?”

“Kill the cats, probably.” He deadpanned, leaning in the doorway. “Burn all the toast you try to make, buy the wrong peanut butter, eat Cheese-Itz for breakfast every day, forget to pay the cable bill.” He raised his eyebrows. “I can keep going.”

“Fuck off, I got the all-natural peanut butter once, it was an accident!” Denki threw his soiled towel into the laundry basket by the closet and picked up the toy he’d used, waving it around a bit. “Did you enjoy the stream?”

Hitoshi snorted, eyeing the dildo warily. “I didn’t really watch, I had my eye on the chat. I was looking for Neko.”

“Man, I can’t believe she’s a fan!” He waved the dildo some more, watching as it jiggled. “I would let her do unspeakable things to me.”

“Look out, your sub is showing, Denki.” Hitoshi teased. “But I agree, she’s pretty great. I wonder if she’ll ever do private shows.” Pausing to scritch Miso behind the ears, he continued. “I’m sure they’d be in high demand.”

Denki stood, pointing at Hitoshi with the dildo. He really needed to put it down somewhere and stop brandishing it around like a sword. “Don’t even, I’d spend all my money on that girl.” 

“I know you would.” He chuckled. “I did try to go through the usernames and see if I could find out who she could be, but I didn’t have any luck.”

“It’s okay! I’m leaving it up to fate now, man. If the universe wants us to know each other, we will.” He stuck his thumb towards the ensuite. “I’m going to wash my ass and then we can play Among Us if you want.”

Hitoshi, completely unphased as usual, nodded. “I’ll get a team together. Check the discord when you get out.”

Humming, Denki made his way to the bathroom, picking up his phone on the way. It buzzed as he closed the door, and he glanced down to see he had a message from his other moderator and friend, Eijirou, aka RedDaddy. Tossing the dildo in the sink, he looked down at the screen and opened the message.

Eiji: No luck on finding Neko on the stream, but she said she never misses a Thursday, so I bet she was there.

Denki: Thanks for keeping an eye out, man. I appreciate you. Among us in 30?

Eiji: Bet. I’ll ask Kats to play too.

--

Your next stream day had you feeling nervous. Chargebolt had talked directly at you on his last stream, asking you to slide into his DMs, and you had yet to take him up on it. You didn’t know what you were so scared of, Chargebolt was a nice guy. You chalked it up to the fear of the unknown. If you sent him a message, what would you even say? ‘Hey dude, nice cock?’ It was bound to be a disaster.

Pushing your nerves back down, you made sure you were ready for your stream, excited for the news you were about to drop on your viewers. You were needing a little extra cash due to some unfortunate car trouble, and you’d figured out a way to make up what you needed in record time.

“Hey everyone, welcome!” You smiled at the camera, waving your fingers. “Thanks for coming! I see a lot of familiar names here tonight. Hi Mindfucker, Dynamight, RedDaddy, Tapeman, LightningMcQueen!”

LightningMcQueen: Hey, beautiful! I’ve been looking forward to this all week.

Dynamight: Chill out, McQueen, you look desperate.

RedDaddy: Be nice, Dynamight. Hi, Neko!

Dynamight: Fuck off, Shittyhair.

Mindfucker: How’s your cat, Neko?

“Be good, Dynamight. You’re lucky I know you don’t mean that!” You giggled at the antics of your regulars, smiling at the question about your cat. “Ichigo is doing good, Mindfucker, thanks for asking! I’ll bring her on camera after the show if you want to say hi!”

Minfucker just sent a cat emoji and you laughed, shaking your head. “I’m beginning to think that you’re just here for Ichigo and not me.”

The chat went crazy with people denying it, telling you how much they loved watching you every week. You lit up, feeling more excited about your news.

“So I have something I want to discuss before we get started today. I’ve decided I want to try out doing some private shows, so I’m going to be offering up a few spots. I’m going to give some of my longest and most frequent supporters a shot first, and if all goes well, then I’ll open them up to the rest of you! I’ll be adding a signup link at the bottom of my page after tonight’s stream, so if you’re interested you can apply and I’ll pick a few of you and we’ll work out a schedule! How does that sound?”

Dynamight: McQueen already has his credit card ready I bet.

“Aw, you don’t want to play with me, Dynamight?” You teased, giving the camera your best pout.

Dynamight: You couldn’t handle me, Princess.

LightningMcQueen: Hush. You’re a bottom, Dyna.

Dynamight: Die you fucking extra.

LightningMcQueen: Love you too, blasty.

“I was going to let you pick the toy today, Dynamight, but if you can’t behave then I’m just going to have to let someone else have a turn.” You gave the camera a disapproving look, frowning. You’d picked up that these guys were friends, so you knew they were just messing with each other.

A donation popped up from Dynamight with a comment attached. 

Let McQueen choose this time, babe.

“It looks like Dynamight is going to let you choose, McQueen. Which one?” You pulled over the box you kept your toys in and showed it to the camera. “Pick a color.”

LightningMcQueen: Yellow

You pulled the yellow silicone out of the box and showed it to the chat, smirking. “I call this one Chargebolt because it’s the same color as his hair. Are you sure this is the one you want me to use?”

--

When your stream ended, Denki leaned back in his chair, taking a deep breath. The fact that he’d watched you fuck yourself with a dildo that you’d named after him was the hottest thing he could have imagined. He was jealous of that piece of bright yellow silicone more than he should be. He’d still enjoyed it, if the mess across his abs and chest were any indication. 

He cleaned himself up and pulled on a shirt, clicking on the link for the private show signup. It was pretty straightforward, listing the price and how long the show would be, and asking for his username and what he would be interested in doing or seeing and what day would work best.

Staring at the form for a moment, he contemplated his options. He could sign up with his LightningMcQueen account, and he might have a chance. He was the first one out of his friends to find your channel one night when he was bored and horny. Then he’d shown it to Hitoshi and then shared your info with Eijirou, Katsuki, and Hanta. He would be considered one of the longest and loyal viewers like you had said.

However, if you got a request from Chargebolt? What would you do? Would you ignore it? 

“Toshi!” He called out, knowing his roommate would hear him without him having to get up. “I’m having a crisis!”

The door opened, and the purple-haired man stood in the doorway. “I am not prepared to handle your bi panic right now, Denki.”

“Are you going to put in for a private show from Neko?” Denki pushed on, ignoring his friend’s exasperation. 

“I spoke that into existence last week, you know. You’re welcome.”

Flopping back in his chair, Denki closed his eyes. “Should I send in the request with this account or with the Chargebolt one?”

Hitoshi shrugged, watching their cat Sashimi wander into the room. “You’ve wanted to talk to her for ages, man. You could have messaged her forever ago and you wouldn’t be playing this game with her. Sign up with your actual account.”

“I mean, she must think I’m cute, right? Otherwise, she wouldn’t watch.” He sat up, logging out of his secondary account and into his main one. He had a few unread DM’s, so he clicked, his breath catching in his throat. “Dude, look.”

There was a message from you, short but sweet.

Hi, Chargebolt. I don’t know if you saw the stream today, but you should check it out if you haven’t. I left it up for you.”

“She wants you to see her use that dildo she named after you.” Hitoshi patted his shoulder, and then bent down to pick up Sashimi. “I signed up but I told her I just wanted to have a date with her cat. She probably won’t pick me.”

“She will, she loves cats.” Denki clicked on your page and scrolled down to the bottom where the signup was again, letting it populate his main account in the information, and writing ‘any day except Thursday’ in the section for the time that worked for him. “I’m going to get this girl to date me, just you watch.”

Snorting, his roommate closed the door behind him as he left. “I believe in you, Pikachu.”

Once his request was submitted, he went back to his DM’s and sent you a message back.

“I was there, Neko. I never miss a stream. I submitted for a private show, so I hope you’ll pick me. I’ve been one of your viewers since the beginning, you know.”

---

In your head, you tried to plan what you would say once you were face to face (via camera) with the one and only Chargebolt. Everything your brain seemed to come up with fell short. What did you say to this guy, who you’d been simping over for over 9 months, who lit up your screen every Thursday with terrible puns and panty-dropping smiles? You knew exactly what he looked like and sounded like when he came. It was a strange thing to think that you knew that but you’d never actually spoken to him before.

It made you feel a little better when you realized he knew just as much about you. That he watched you fuck yourself on a dildo you’d named after him, and then spent the rest of the stream showing off your fluffy white cat Ichigo. 

It was time to put on your big girl panties. You could do this. 

Chargebolt had been one of the few that you’d chosen to do these shows with. He was also the last one. You’d met with 4 others, the ones who were the most active in your chat, the ones you assumed were actually friends. 

Your first one was with Tapeman, who asked you to call him Sero. He was cute, with the widest, prettiest smile you’d ever seen. He made you laugh, and called you beautiful, and spoke to you in Spanish. You didn’t feel uncomfortable once with him, and the experience gave you hope that the rest would be just as nice.

Mindfucker was next, whose name was Shinsou and lowkey your favorite one. He didn’t want anything sexual at all, which surprised you. You sat with him and drank tea and you got to meet his two fur children, Miso and Sashimi, while he told you about his roommate. You let him admire Ichigo, and talked about music. He was sarcastic, but not in a mean way, and you were pretty sure he was going to be your new best friend.

RedDaddy and Dynamight had asked to do theirs together since they were dating. You wanted to question why they both watched your stream but RedDaddy, who was actually named Kirishima, answered it for you.

“We’re both bi, and we think you’re cute!”

“Yeah, plus McQueen has a thing for you so we like to be in the chat to help him out.” Dynamite, aka Bakugou, added in his gruff voice, folding his arms across his chest.

“Aw, that’s sweet!” You smiled at them. “He didn’t request a private show though, so I guess he doesn’t like me that much.”

Bakugou coughed and Kirishima grinned. “Maybe he was nervous! I’m sure you’ll meet him in one of these someday!”

“Enough about that dumbass.” Bakugou leaned forward, his hand on Kirishima’s knee. “Give us a show and we’ll give you one in return. Use that orange and green one for me, Princess.”

And give you a show they did. You got lost in how they looked at each other while they jerked each other off, and you were pretty sure they forgot you were even there at some point. When it was over, you suggested that they start their own channel.

Bakugou scoffed, but you could tell he was blushing a bit.

“I don’t know, Neko. I don’t think I could share him with anyone else. Except you, you’re the exception.” Kirishima grinned, winking at you.

But now it was Chargebolt’s turn. You made sure you had everything you needed, making sure Ichigo was out of the room, and then signed into your account. 

Chargebolt was online, so you made the private room and sent him the request. You felt like you were shaking, and you checked yourself in the camera to make sure you didn’t look like a wreck.

You barely had time to breathe before he entered the chat, his camera screen coming to life and showing you his smiling face. You melted a bit, biting your lip, gazing at how attractive he was. 

“Hey, Neko!” Chargebolt was as vibrant as ever, tucking his hair behind his ears, the black lightning bolt in his hair dark against the bright yellow of the rest of it.

“It’s nice to see you, Chargebolt.” You tried to relax, rolling your shoulders back. “It’s kind of weird knowing you can see me too.”

He laughed, leaning back in his chair. You tried not to stare at his arms in the tank top he was wearing. Chargebolt had a small frame, but his muscles were defined. You’d seen him plow through an entire bag of chips on stream once, without pausing to breathe, so you assumed he must be one of those people with amazing metabolism that you envied. “You can call me Denki if you want, kitten.”

You choked on air at the nickname, trying to compose yourself. “Kitten?”

“Well, Neko means cat, doesn’t it?” He raised an eyebrow. “I won’t call you that if you don’t like it.”

“No!” You practically shouted. “No, I mean, it’s fine. I like it.”

“Sweet.” He grinned. “Man, I’ve wanted to get you alone like this for so long, and now I’m just feeling really nervous.”

“You’re nervous?” You were surprised. The always cool but super dorky Chargebolt was nervous because of you? “So am I.”

Chargebolt- sorry, Denki, rested his elbow on the desk, propping his head in his hand. “Well, glad to know I’m not the only disaster here. I’ve been trying to get the courage to talk to you for months, and then finally Hitoshi got me to talk about you on stream a few weeks ago, and now here we are.”

“Who’s Hitoshi? One of your regulars?” Knowing that you weren’t the only one who was sweating bullets had you relaxing a bit. 

“Oh yeah, Mindfucker! You know him right? He did a thing with you the other day, didn’t he?”

Eyes wide, you stared at him. “Shinsou?”

“Yeah, that’s my best friend and my roommate. He said he showed you the cats.” He shrugged. “You picked all my friends for your private shows. Sero, Kiri, Bakugou, Shinsou.” He paused, smirking. “I forgot that you don’t know that I’m LightningMcQueen.”

“That’s you? I was wondering why they didn’t send me a request, but it all makes sense now.”

Denki shot you finger guns and winked. “Kachow!”

“Oh god, stop it.” You rolled your eyes.

He chuckled, grinning at you. “So, did Shinsou talk about me?”

You giggled, remembering back. “He told me a story about how his roommate mistook a fuzzball for a spider and spent the afternoon sitting on a table waiting for him to come home and kill it.”

“It looked like one of those freaky poisonous ones from where I was sitting. I was afraid to let it out of my sight in case it got away and then multiplied and killed me in my sleep or something.” He took a deep breath. “Spiders are terrifying.”

This man was amazing. “You are everything I always thought you’d be, you know that?”

“I’m going to take that as a compliment.” He sighed. “You have to have some kind of embarrassing story to tell me so I don’t feel like a fool. You’ve got to make it even.”

“One year my dad hired a clown to come to my birthday party. He walked in the front door and I jetted out the back door and hid in the garden until he left. Clowns are just as terrifying as spiders.”

Chargebolt laughed, and the sound made your stomach do a somersault. It was just as bright and happy as he was. “That is the cutest shit I’ve ever heard!”

“I’m glad my childhood trauma is amusing you.” You deadpanned, trying to keep the smile off your face.

“Aw, don’t be like that kitten! I’m glad we can bond over our irrational fears like this, you know?” He 

You shivered happily. “Okay, okay.” You cleared your throat. “So, you didn’t write anything down here for what you wanted out of our chat today.”

“Oh, okay, down to business then.” He sat up straight. “Well, I wanted to tell you myself instead of submitting it on the form.”

Intrigued, you raised an eyebrow. “Didn’t want to give me a chance to back out?”

Snorting, and shook his head. “Nah, I think you’ll like it, kitten.” He folded his hands behind his head. “I want you to tell me what to do. I’m at your mercy.”

Swallowing thickly, you blinked at him. That was...really hot. “You like being told what to do?”

“I would love nothing more for you to pull my hair and peg me within an inch of my life while calling me your little cock slut.” He stared at you with an eyebrow raised, looking pleased with himself when he saw your expression.

Your thighs clenched together involuntarily. “Fuck.”

“Yeah, right? I mean, I’m a switch, I’d do the same to you if you asked.  But we can save that for next time.” He smirked. “So, you down?”

Next time? This man was going to kill you. “Take off your shirt, Denki.”

“Fuck yes.” He groaned, reaching behind him and tugging the garment over his head. 

His chest and abs came into view, and you let your eyes linger on the barbells through his nipples. “Pants too.”

He pushed his chair away from his desk and shimmied out of his shorts, kicking them to the side. You gazed at him in his blue boxer briefs, eyes lingering on his thin waist, strong thighs, and the outline of his cock. He was a sight to behold, honestly.

You held the fangirling back, leaning forward to get a better look at him. “Do you have any toys, Denki?”

“Of course, Kitten.” He moved out of view for a moment, coming back with a box. 

“Let me see.” He tilted the box towards the camera, your eyes flitting over the different colors and shapes inside. “The pink one.” 

“Okay, hang on, let me-” He cut off, standing up and throwing the pink toy on the bed. He picked up the laptop and moved it, laying down beside it and angling the camera so you could see what he was doing.

“Did you stretch yourself, baby?” 

He made a noise that sounded like a whine in the back of his throat at the pet name, obviously pleased by it. “Yeah, of course I did.” He glanced at the screen. “You should, uh, take your shirt off too.”

“I thought you wanted me to tell you what to do, not the other way around.” Teasing him, you crossed your arms over your chest.

He pouted slightly. “I’ve been good so far though, right?”

“All you’ve done is take off two items of clothing and move to the bed. You’re gonna have to work harder than that!”

Huffing, he lifted his ass off the bed and tugged his underwear down his legs, kicking them off, his hand already moving to wrap around his already hard cock.

“Did I say you could touch yourself, Denki?” It was getting hard to keep up the stern act you were putting on, but you knew it was what he wanted. You wanted to watch him touch himself, watch the way his eyes fluttered closed when his thumb brushed over the leaking head of his cock, and the way he would bite his lip when he moved his wrist a certain way.

You could be patient though, so you continued.

“If I was there right now, what would you want me to do first?”

He stilled, blinking at you a few times. “I would want your mouth first, I think.”

Humming, you sat back, pulling your shirt over your head, letting him admire the lacey purple bra covering your chest. “You’d want my mouth on your cock? Trace my tongue along that vein along the underside and suck on the head a little?”

Denki groaned, closing his eyes, his grip visibly tightening around his shaft. He looked like he was trying not to get worked up too fast. You were amazed at how your words were affecting him, so you pressed on.

“I’d take you all the way down until I was choking on it, and I’d let you hold onto my hair and fuck my face. God, you don’t know how many times I've dreamed about doing that for you. What would you say to that?”

The blush spreading down his neck and chest made him look so pretty. “Ugh, fuck kitten, you’re killing me.” He swallowed hard, opening his eyes to look at you again. “I’d tell you how good you made me feel, but I wouldn’t let you finish me off that way.”

“Oh no? Tell me what else you’d do.” You took the opportunity to move to the bed yourself, pulling off your leggings and panties all at once. 

Eyes glued to you while you unclipped your bra and threw it across the room, he continued. “Fuck, um, I would...god, you’re beautiful.”

Flushing at the compliment, you looked down shyly, breaking character. “I’ve heard you say that before and I still don’t believe it.”

Denki scoffed. “If you need a daily reminder, I’d be happy to be the one to tell you, kitten.” You could hear the sincerity in his voice, and it made your heart do a little flip. “I might seem like a dumbass but I’m using this camboy money to pay off my student loans for my masters in English lit so I can quote you entire sonnets from Shakespeare without hesitation if that will help you believe me.”

Your eyebrows shot up, impressed. Realizing you’d ruined the moment, you sighed, covering your eyes with your hand. “I’m sorry, I’m crap at this. I really just want to watch you cum.”

Chuckling, you heard him shifting on the bed. “Okay, how about this? Forget the toys. Just close your eyes and listen to me.”

“Okay.”

“If you were here with me right now, just like that, I’d spend so much time exploring every inch of you with my tongue. I’d start with your lips, your jaw, your neck. Collarbones, shoulders, your chest, those cute nipples-”

“How are nipples cute?” You interrupted with a snort.

You could hear him trying not to laugh, his voice pitched a bit higher. “Shh, don’t ruin it.”

“I think you just did when you said ‘cute nipples’.” You’d never had this much fun with someone in a situation like this. “If I had a dick, my boner would have just died.”

Denki wheezed, and you opened your eyes to look over at him. He was gazing back at you, his eyes bright as he laughed into his palm. “God, I like you so much, kitten.”

Your grin softened, your heart pounding at his words. “Me too, Denki.” 

[floralseokjin]

;cyber sex (m)

FIRST LOVE, LAST LOVE

⟨gif credit⟩

You want to partake in some “cyber” sex...

pairing; jeon jungkook x reader  genre/warnings;  smut, fluff, skype sex, or as oc puts it, cybersex, sex toy usage (here 😘) words; 3,038

more﹆chapter index

“Are your parents in bed?” 

On the screen, Jungkook looked a little on edge, jittery almost. Like he was doing something illegal. 

“My dad is. Mom’s downstairs catching up on soap operas.” 

He still looked a little unsure. “How was your day?” 

You shifted on your bed, crossing your legs, your laptop jumped slightly, pixelated Jungkook bouncing around for a second. Internet at your parents’ house had always been shitty but he still made a bunch of cute pixels. 

“I’d love to small talk, Jungkook, I really would, but I woke up wanting sex and have been horny ever since.” 

You were expecting him to log on all eager and possibly already halfway to naked, but he’d appeared in sweats, back against the headboard of your shared bed, legs stretched out where laptop you was placed on his thighs. 

You watched him hesitate and grew annoyed. “What happened to being up for this?” 

This afternoon he’d been eager, possibly even cocky when you’d texted him over lunch. Your mom gossiping in your ear about her co-worker’s so called affair while you passively listened and arranged sex plans with your boyfriend...

There had been a time you were too embarrassed to even think about masturbating in your family home, but like Jungkook kept saying, you were a grown ass woman now, not still in high school or even in college. Those days had long past you by. You were a hot blooded female with needs. Needs for your super hot, super sweet boyfriend. There was really no need to be ashamed. You were going to participate in some cyber sex, no matter how much Jungkook laughed at your awkward phrasing. 

[You: 01:34pm]  Are you busy tonight? 

[JK: 01:36pm]  if eating cheetos in bed by 8 is busy then yes 

[You: 01:37pm]  Don’t you dare bitch 

[JK: 01:37pm]  why do you want to know if im busy? 

[You: 01:38pm]  cybersex 2300 hours 

[JK: 01:38pm]  Cybersex 😭😭 no one calls it that weirdo  but see you there my morning wood misses yoir ass 

Here right now, Jungkook made a noise, arguing with you. “I am up for this. It’s just your parents...” 

You rolled your eyes. He was a grown ass man and he was afraid of your parents. More so your dad. He’d taken a while to warm up to Jungkook—you blame the tattoos. But that was years ago when you’d first started dating. Your dad liked Jungkook now. Honest. 

“My dad’s asleep. I can hear him snoring,” you commented, giggling. 

Jungkook groaned. Way to ruin the mood, he was probably thinking. “That doesn’t help.” 

“Come ooonnn,” you whined, leaning into the screen. You knew your robe was dipping in the middle, already tied deliberately lose. He had a great view of your cleavage, however muted because of the shitty lamp lighting. “I miss youuuu.” 

Jungkook scoffed quietly. “And you’re making it worse. I wanna touch you for real.” He was speaking low, pouting really, but you caught his hand that slid across the front of his sweatpants. Was that some inconspicuous rubbing you’d spotted? Naughty. 

You leant back again and tried not to grin in triumph. Jungkook 0, your tits 1 once again. 

He carried on his rant. “I want you in this bed. In this house. I can’t wait 4 more days!” 

Diddums. He was a child, you swore. “Should’ve come with me then.” 

He was rubbing his crotch again, you didn’t think he realised he was doing it. “You know that’s only reserved for a Christmas every two years.” 

Yeah, like you said, he was terrified of your father. It was probably why he hadn’t proposed yet, too scared to ask for your dad’s blessing. Not that you would say that to his face. And not like you wanted to get married anytime soon, it was just only natural to think of those things. You had been together for years after all. 

You didn’t reply, instead shifting on the bed once more to spread your legs a little. You hiked one up, robe falling open to reveal the triangle of skin between your legs. You meant business.

“What’re you doing?” He practically stuttered, sitting up straighter against the headboard.

“I’m not wearing any underwear.” 

“I can see that.” 

You began to rub the pad of your index finger across your clit. Sensitivity shocking your body and you fought with yourself not to snap your legs closed. You softened the impact, slowly circling before slipping down your folds and collecting the moisture to drag back up to your clit. Agonisingly slow now because you wanted to tease the hell out of your boyfriend. Despite the near darkness, he had eyes like a hawk. “You’re wet already.” Maybe he could see it glistening through the camera. Or maybe he was just starting his descent…

“Like I said, I’ve been horny since this morning.” You ever so slightly dipped the tip of your finger inside yourself. You couldn’t remember the last time you’d played with yourself like this in front of him. It was fun. Especially because he was hanging onto each movement like his life depended on it. 

“Jungkook,” you nudged. 

“Mm?” It was just one sound, too far gone now. 

You murmured the next part, voice low and heavy, laced with a desperateness you’d felt all day. “Get your dick out.”

He didn’t argue. You let yourself grin in victory, ogling him as pushed a hand into his sweatpants and pulled out that thick, hot cock you’d been fantasising about since 7am. 

He ran his fist along it, definitely not lazily. Tugging at the head, his thumb rubbed the drops of precum across his slit. You clenched and pulsed down below. Unfair move. Your image of him was grainy and unlit but he looked just as hot as he always did. Maybe it was time to unveil your secret weapon... 

“Goodnight, love.” 

You jumped immediately at the sound of your mom’s voice, hand jerking away from between your legs. You’d been so distracted you hadn’t even heard her coming up the stairs. 

Your took a quick breath and tried to sound normal, praying you could keep your voice level. “Goodnight mom!” You succeeded, but only just you were sure of it. 

You heard the click of the bathroom door and turned your attention back to Jungkook, eyes wide. His were too. “Jesus christ,” he muttered, sounding annoyed. “This was a dumb idea.” He was sat forward, dick back in his pants, tops of his cheeks rosy, either from the jerking off or the near close call. Probably both. 

You tried to refrain from giggling but failed. “She wasn’t going to just barge in here.” 

Both waiting a few seconds, it wasn’t long before your mom exited the bathroom and shut the door to her bedroom. You untied your robe, relaxing into the bed instantly. You weren’t losing this moment. 

Jungkook groaned slightly, eyes apprehensively raking over your practically naked body. “This is so wrong.” 

“Relax, we’re alone,” you insisted. “Just remember to be quiet.” You’d use your earphones but you’d forgotten them, remembering as soon as you’d boarded the plane. 

“I’m alone.” He corrected, now sounding sorry for himself. Jeez, it was as if you weren’t spread out like a human buffet. “I miss you. Can’t you come home right now?”

Jungkook did not do well at being alone at all. It was cute. You smiled at him softly, running your hand down your stomach and between your legs. “But I wanna cum right nowww.” 

“Fine.” His stare hardened, watching the way you rubbed at the bundle of nerves. “You cum and then come home. Then I fuck you. Properly. None of this Skype shit.” 

You laughed, genuinely amused. He was such a baby. You watched him lift his t-shirt over his head. Taking initiative, you liked that. His hair fell in his eyes and he shook it away. He’d finally had a haircut a few weeks ago, but it grows fast, which was possibly a good thing because you really, really missed that long hair of his. 

Your eyes fell down to his chest and across his shoulders. He had a few tattoos that decorated his torso, amongst other places, but they mainly covered his arms. Speaking of which you clenched and pulsed again, just imagining those arms wrapped around you, squeezing you tight, hands pinning you to the bed... Shit. You really wanted to fuck him for real. 

You splayed around against the bedsheets, arching your back a little and Jungkook raised an eyebrow. “Take your robe off. Keep your bra on.” He sounded demanding, it wasn’t intentional, lost to the urge right now as usual, but you loved it when he ordered you about, even more so when he didn’t realise he was doing it. 

You quickly got to it, snapping at your bra straps as you lied back down, propped up by your elbows. “Is this actually sexy?” You’d done this a handful of times but that was back in college. Now older, it seemed more daunting. 

“Of course it is, babe,” Jungkook reassured. On cue he got his cock out again. He was still hard. 

You watched him rake his hand along himself a few times and then grinned. “I have something.” 

He raised an eyebrow again, curious but also clueless, and watched you pull something out from under the sheets. A glittery, rubbery thing that made his eyes light up. 

“You brought a dildo to your parents’ house?” He asked after a split second of silence. You nodded, biting down on your lip, holding the specimen up to the screen. He caught the look on your face and chuckled. “You planned this?” He sounded impressed. 

“Thought it would be fun.” You tried to sound casual but maybe you were a little nervous? Embarrassed? There was no need to be. You’d had a sexual fantasy and had acted on it... Jungkook was just as into it. Hm, maybe it was the being naked over cam that was making you feel so jittery? 

Jungkook eyed Miss Jessica Rabbit and laughed again. “Only you would arrange a visit to your parents’ place just so we could participate in some ‘cybersex’.” 

Joking aside, he was eager to begin. You could tell by the look in his eyes and by the way he’d straightened his back, leaning in closer for a better look. You didn’t feel nervy anymore. You were back in the zone. 

“Cybersex sounds cool, I don’t know why you find it so funny.” 

Jungkook rolled his eyes affectionately. “You’re adorable, that’s why I find it so funny.” 

“Lameee.” You sang. But now you were running the head of the vibrator along your slit, spreading your legs in the process.

Jungkook watched you carefully, still stroking his dick with leisure. “I’m surprised you didn’t get caught at security with that thing.” He was making casual conversation but his voice sounded strained. He kept having to swallow. “Hiding a giant vibrator in your clothing.” 

“Can you imagine?” You’d die of embarrassment right there on the spot. 

“I‘d come bail you out, don’t worry.” 

You giggled at his silliness. Who was going to tell him you couldn’t get arrested for carrying a vibrator in your luggage? 

However, soon the mood for small talk was over, only distracting at this point. Or maybe what was distracting was now the vibrator beginning to stretch out your insides. It was a little uncomfortable at first, maybe you were just too well aware your parents were a few feet away, or maybe you were just out of practice when it came to fucking yourself. 

Jungkook helped though, whispering encouragements and giving you useful tips, which only made you wetter; so yes, a huge help. It wasn’t long before you got a rhythm going, not long before your breathing quickened and you were trying really hard not to moan out loud. 

Jungkook matched your movements, now jerking himself off with vigour. You watched one another, fully at ease and lost in your own little world. 

“This is so unfairrr,” he grunted soon enough, burning a hole between your legs. His newly sworn enemy, Miss Jessica Rabbit. “I want my dick inside you, not some phoney.” 

You moaned quietly, agreeing of course. Nothing felt as good as Jungkook inside you. Nothing ever had. You clicked a button on the toy and the first level of vibrations started. 

You lifted your head a little, trying to gauge the sound. “Is that too loud?” 

He shook his head. “I think you’re good. Fuck.” He cursed because you were now grinding up against the ears of the bunny, vibrations against your clit sending you all gooey and warm. “Go faster.” 

You listened, the length of the vibrator now slipping in fully as your insides finally loosened up, no longer tense. You rolled to your side a little and like that you found your g-spot. Pleasure began to burst behind your eyes and you almost forgot Jungkook was there because now you’d remembered how to use this damn thing and there was no going back. 

You clicked another button, powering up the shaft as the pearls inside the rubber began to rotate. You bit down on your lip, desperate not to make a sound and you cursed yourself. Why did you think this was a good idea? Pleasure screamed at you but you must keep quiet. 

“Babe... Baby,” Jungkook was trying to get your attention. “Baby, get on your back again. I wanna see.” 

You slowly listened, knowing you had been restricting his view and try to fuck yourself on your back. You planted your feet on the bed, kicking the laptop to the centre in the process and hoped now that he had a good view. 

Whatever he saw, he liked, moaning maybe a little bit too loudly. You’d turn the volume down if you could move, but you can’t, too paralysed with pleasure. “This is so fucking hot.” He was legit growling, it sent a fire through your veins. 

He watched you buck your hips into the vibrator over and over again, struggling a little to keep thrusting the shaft inside of you, but you think he found that hot. You were close. You knew it. Lips spread apart, your clit was swollen and greedy for pleasure, sensitive to the titillating vibrations and your walls squeezed and began to spasm around the thick rubber, the rotating sensation you felt making you tremble all over. Your wrist hurt but it was a good kind of pain, burning, making you work hard for your release. 

“Wish you were here to fuck me better, baby,” you purred, because despite how amazing this felt Jungkook could make you feel a pleasure ten times greater. “Does your hand feel good?“

You couldn’t see him, flat on your back, eyes shut, face directed at the ceiling, but you could hear the sound of skin on skin. His palm raking up and down the rock hard flesh of his cock. 

“Don’t rub it in,” he chided, voice low. Ha. Because that was exactly what he was doing. Luckily you were too out of breath to drop a shit pun. 

Your lower half suddenly spasmed and you stifled a cry. You couldn’t hold on any longer. “Shit,” you gasped. “I forgot how strong this thing was.” 

“Yeah? I’ll cum if you cum.” 

That’s all you needed to hear. It wasn’t even five seconds later before you were coming. Like an explosion, thigh and vagina muscles clenching, toes curling into the sheets and your chest heaving, sweat beading at your hairline. Miraculously you managed to stay silent. Albeit your breathing. You ceased movement immediately, removing the pressure against your clit before turning the vibrations off. The shaft was still rotating inside you, nerves twitching in your thigh before you ended those too and slid the vibrator out with a silent pop. You threw it to your side. Your whole body tingled but you urged yourself to come to, to open your eyes and lean up on your elbows. Jungkook still needed to cum and you wanted to watch. Just like he watched you. 

“Good, baby?” He asked. His eyes were black, breathing shallow. His fist still tugged at his dick, desperate now. 

“Mm hm,” you nodded, feeling a little chilly now the thrill had worn off. 

Jungkook grunted a command. “Spread your legs a little. I’m close.” You listened without question, giving him what he wanted. 

You watched the veins protrude from his forearms, some painted black with the ink of his tattoos. The hand not wrapped around his cock cupped his balls ever so slightly, tugging on them a little before he tensed and groaned. The first spurt of cum shot out and landed on his stomach, then another, it slipped into the lines of his abs. The third load slowed and he tugged his fingers tight across the tip, over and over again, draining each drop. It thickened in the air and slid down his length, getting on his fingers too. You observed all this greedily. What a sight to behold. 

A couple of tissues later for him and your robe tied back around your body, you were both grinning and giggling like a pair of idiots together, still on a high. 

“We need to incorporate that into the real deal more,” Jungkook said, referring to the vibrator now stood on your bedside table. “Let me be in charge.” 

“It’s got to make its way back home first,” you joked. 

You had climbed into bed by now, welcoming the warmth and annoyingly your eyes started to feel heavy. 

“You tired?” Jungkook noticed straight away. 

“I can stay up a little longer,” you insisted, wanting to chat with him before you fell asleep. A text or a phone call just wasn’t the same, and even though it’s only been a few days, you missed him like crazy. “What did you eat for dinner?” You asked, making small talk. 

He raised both eyebrows, eyes wide. “Do you really want me to answer that?” 

No, probably not. You knew the answer already. 

It was always a ramen diet for Jungkook when you were away...  

Written 2020. Please refrain from posting my work elsewhere. No translations allowed. © floralseokjin 2020

[backtobackbakubabe]

I’m Gonna Make This Place Your Home (Part 3)

Bakugo x Reader

Words: 2896

*****************************************************************************************************

One night, a year or so ago Bakugo had gotten a little tipsy and decided it would be a great idea to take all of the batteries out of the smoke alarms. That way he wouldn't have to deal with them every time he thew a fit and his hands sparked up. So he was really surprised when he woke up one morning to one of them blaring. Kirishima must have replaced them.... damnit shitty hair. He groaned as he rolled out of bed, “What the fuck is going on?” 

He was absolutely exhausted. You had another nightmare last night and just like the last time you accidentally pulled him into it. He handn’t been able to sleep after that and he couldn't go to your room because then you would know he had seen it. He knew it wasn't his fault but it still felt like an invasion of your privacy. 

He strolled out of his bedroom in nothing but a pair of sweatpants and made his was to the source of his growing headache. He walked into the kitchen and there you were. You looked extremely confused and alarmed as smoke billowed from the toaster. You pulled the plug from the wall and huffed at the ruined toast. “Shit...”

He couldn’t help it. He started laughing harder than he had in years. 

You spun around, giving him a good look at the pancake mix in your hair, “OH! Bakugo I’m so sorry! I was trying to make you breakfast... but its definitely not as easy as you make it look...” You plopped down in one of the chairs and it wasnt until now that he realized you weren't wearing any pants. Just his oversized hoodie. He couldnt judge though he wasnt exactly wearing a shirt. A fact you were acutely aware of as you desperately tried to avoid staring at his perfect abs. 

You huffed again, “I ruined everything....”

He smirked, “Nah, theres nothing here that cant be fixed... well maybe not the toast. Thats a lost cause.” He held his hand out to you, “Ready for your first cooking lesson?”

He proceeded to flit around the kitchen like a true professional but he never took over. Instead he would just tell you what you needed to do. He wanted to make sure you were actually learning. He knew he couldnt take care of you forever. There were things you missed out on growing up and he was going to make sure you became a functioning adult. 

You guys sat at the table with the banquet of food around you. You beamed as you took your first bite, “This is actually good!”

He scoffed, “Excuse me? I helped you, of course it’s good...” 

You giggled, “Thanks for that by the way. I know it must be frustrating to teach a grown ass woman how to do basic things...”

“Okay first of all dont ever think that. Its not your fault you didnt get to learn this stuff. And second.... that is the second time you’ve used a curse word today. What gives? Am I rubbing off on you? You’ve only been here a week.” He wagged his eyebrows. 

You gave his shoulder a quick swat, “Maybe I swear like a sailor but I've been playing nice. You dont know me.”

He narrowed his eyes a bit, “You’re right. I dont. But I’d like to...” He bit into a piece of bacon and groaned, “I do know one thing though, you make some good ass bacon.”

He spent the rest of the day teaching you every day tasks from doing laundry to how to use the internet. You paid close attention and would periodically stop him to write something down so you wouldn’t forget.  He was currently showing you how to log in to Netflix when an idea hit him, “Oi! Do you know how to ride a bike?”  

You gave him a weird look, “I used to have one with training wheels when I was little but my mom never taught me how to ride one without them. I had wanted my dad to teach me but he died when I was little.” 

He sucked in a breath. He still hadn't told you about your mom. Did you know what she did to you? Did you know your mom sold you to the highest bidder? And your dad? He had no idea he had died.... was there anything about your childhood that was happy?  “I’m sorry to heat about your dad.” 

You just shrugged, “I was really little. My mom always said I was his little mini me. Said I looked just like him and had the heart to match. He was a really nice guy....” You expression grew sad, “Sometimes when I was younger after I had been taken by the villains... if I was having a really bad day I would pretend he was still alive. Because he never would have let them take me.” A single tear slid down your cheek but you caught it, “Look at me getting all emotional. No need to cry over something I cant change right?”

He took your hand in his and gave it the softest squeeze, “I’d say you’re entitled to a few tears. Given what you’ve been through, I don't know how you get out of bed some mornings.” Especially after the nightmares he’d witnessed first hand.

You sniffed back your tears as you returned a quick squeeze to his hand, “Easy. I have you.” 

He didnt know what to say. To the rest of the world he was Ground Zero, the temperamental, cocky hero. But you see so much more. You bring out the best in him and whether he likes it or not he's changing because of it. “Oi. Put some fucking pants on. You're going to learn how to ride a bike!” 

“....Do you even have a bike?”

No, he didnt. But Kirishima did. “You just worry about yourself, and let me figure out the bike situation. Alright?”

You scurried off to your room to change and get ready for the day. You pulled on a pair of leggings and a clean shirt. It may have been Bakugos but at this point you didnt think he’d mind. You threw your hair up in a ponytail and gave yourself a quick look in the mirror. You really needed a haircut. Even in a ponytail it was well down your back. There was a pair of scissors in the kitchen, maybe you could just cut it yourself. 

Thats how you ended up in the bathroom hair in one hand, scissors in the other. Right as you were about to make your first cut, someone cleared their throat behind you. “Oi! Crazy pants! Put the scissors down before you fuck your hair up. All I said was put on some pants not go full on Mulan...” He sighed, “There’s someone here I want you to meet. He can be pretty annoying but I promise he’s not that ba-”

“Hey who are you calling annoying you grump old man.” Kirishima looked at the scissors in you hand, “Oh cool. Giving yourself a haircut? I did that once when I was seven. Wasn't a good look. But I’m sure yours will look much better.” 

Bakugo was rubbing his temples in frustration, “Y/n this this is shitty hair, shitty hair this is y/n.” 

You gave him a soft giggle, “The fact that he calls you shitty hair makes me think I shouldn't listen to you.” You put the scissors down, “I do want to cut it though. It’s a pain in the ass.”

Bakugo scoffed, “You’re the pain in the ass, dont try and blame it on your hair. Although you do shed worse than any dog I’ve ever known. Your hair is all over the apartment.... Come here.” He turned you towards the mirror, “Alright look straight ahead and dont fucking move... how short do you want it?” 

You motioned to the tops of your shoulders, “Like around here maybe. I dont know what do you think shitty hair?” 

Kirishima chuckled, “You can call me Kirishima.” He shrugged, “I dont know anything about  hair.”

Bakugo huffed, “Yeah clearly, hence the name shitty hair.” He looked at you through the mirror, “I would go just a little longer.... like maybe here.” He motioned to a bit below you shoulder. His hand was rather close to your breasts and it made both of you blush. “I’ll see if I can get you an appointment somewhere soon. Until then what if I just braid it to get it out of the way?”

Your blush deepened, “Yeah that would be nice.” 

His fingers felt so good carding though your hair. You closed your eyes and had to fight back the urge to hum. You needed to pull it together. Bakugo was nice enough to let you into his life and has gone above and beyond to make sure you’re well taken care of and comfortable. You didn't need to fuck that up by having feelings for him. 

Your eyes jolted open when he cleared his throat behind you, “Uh...I’m done now.” Your eyed met his through the mirror and noticed his cheeks were almost as red as yours, “Ready to learn how to ride a bike?”

Kirishima caught Bakugo as you guys were leaving the apartment letting you go on ahead, “Dude? When the fuck did you learn how to braid hair? Who are you and what have you done with Bakugo?” 

Bakugo pulled his arm away from him, “Shut the fuck up and I swear if you tell anyone about it I’ll end you!” Bakugo hadn't been completely honest with his best friend about who you were or why you were living with him. He knew you were the girl from his dreams but he didnt know you had been a prisoner or that there was a small possibility you were being hunted. 

Kirishima raised his hands up in defense, “I’m just saying man you seem awfully invested in this girl. I mean she’s wearing your shirt! She’s obviously pretty and from what I can tell she seems nice and all but come on man you haven't been to work in over a week... The director says you either come in tomorrow or you’re fired....”

Bakugo growled, “As if he would actually have the balls to fire Ground Zero.” He took a few steps before stopping and running a hand through his hair, “Tell him I’ll be there tomorrow... I just need to tell y/n.”

Kirishima put his hand on his shoulder, “She’s a big girl Bakugo. I’m sure she’ll be fine without you for a few hours. Whats the worst that could happen?” 

Bakugo groaned, “I really wish you hand asked that. It’s like you’re trying to jinx us.”

When they got outside you were already sitting on the bike, rolling it back and forth looking like an excited child, “What took you guys so long?! Come on!” 

Kirishima rubbed the back of his neck, “So Y/n... how in the world did you make it this far in life without knowing how to ride a bike?” 

Before Bakugo could intercept the question you were shrugging it off, “Guess you could say I grew up sheltered. Now are we doing this or not?” 

A few minutes later Bakugo was behind you holding your waist and walking slowly as you got used to peddling the bike. 

He leaned in and whispered in your ear, “Let me know when you're ready for me to let go.” The combination of his strong hands on your waist and his warm breath on your neck... it was giving you goosebumps. 

You felt a chill run down your spine, “Bakugo dont you dare fucking let go. I thought this was going to be a lot easier!” 

He chuckled, “Don’t be stupid you’re doing fine! I won't let go until you’re ready.” 

You took a deep breath, “Okay I can do this.... It’s not a big deal. Children do this.... Bakugo I think I’m ready...”

“Well good because I already let go.” 

Your head swiveled back and forth incredulous that you had not noticed that he had let go. It was a terrible idea because as soon as you weren't one hundred percent focused on peddling you started to tilt. 

“Shit! Y/n!” Bakugo threw himself between you and the pavement just in time to catch you. “Watch it will yeah?” You landed on top of him your nose dangerously close to his.You could hear your heart pounding. You were close enough to smell his signature caramel sent and it made your mouth water. He brushed a hair out of your face. “Are you okay? You’re looking at me funny....” 

You blinked rapidly trying to wake yourself up from whatever daydream you were starting to have. “Yeah I’m fine... thanks.” 

He shrugged, “It was my fault for letting go. I won't do that again.” 

Your heart picked up the pace at his words. He obviously meant he wouldn't let go while you were riding the bike, but you desperately wished he meant something else. But he was Ground Zero. He was an attractive, successful Pro hero. You were probably nothing more than a wounded animal to him. He deserved someone with less baggage. 

You pushed yourself off of him, no longer in the mood to ride a bike. “I know this is silly... but I kind of want to go get coffee.” His caramel sent was still invading your senses and it made you crave your favorite beverage. You had tried different drinks through trail and error before you found what you liked and you named it the cinnamon roll latte. It was a vanilla latte with two pumps of caramel and cinnamon instead of sugar. It smelled just like someone you knew and it was absolutely delicious. 

Kirishima walked over and helped you two get up and picked up the bike, “Coffee sounds good. I have an overnight shift coming up tonight and I’m already dreading it.”

Bakugo dusted off his pants and nodded, “Yeah coffee sounds nice. Same place as usual?” 

You smiled, “Of course!” 

You guys had been back to the same coffee house over and over again and the bitchy barista always had something to say but you kept insisting to Bakugo it wasnt worth getting her in trouble.  

You practically skipped through the door into the coffee house and right up to the empty counter. The barista gave you a bored look, “Let me guess, the usual?”

You nodded, “Yup! Him as well. He wants to try it!” You pointed at Bakugo behind you who was already taking out his wallet to pay. You needed to try and find a job soon. You couldn't mooch off of him forever. You saw a sign next to the register that said they were hiring. You knew if you brought it up Bakugo would insist it wasn't necessary, so you would just come back tomorrow when he went to work. You refused to be a burden on anyone. 

The barista who's name you had found out was Tasha rolled her eyes, “I see you finally found some clothes of your own. 

Bakugo put his arm around your shoulders, “Actually the shirts mine but it looks way better on her doesn't it?” He winked at you before retiring his attention to Tasha who’s mouth was hanging open. Bakugo narrowed his eyes at her, “I said doesn't it?” 

She handed back his credit card with a quick nod, “Yes. I’m sorry it looks great on you.” 

When you had found a booth to sit at you turned to him and slapped his shoulder, “Bakugo you have got to stop bullying the barista!” 

His eyes about popped out of their sockets, “Are you kidding me?! She's the one who always has to say some shit about you every other time we come here!” 

You sighed, “So? Let her be the source of her own misery. You dont need to stoop to her level. You’re better than that.” 

He huffed and fiddled with the napkin dispenser on the table, “Yeah whatever you say....” 

Kirishima looked back and forth between the two of you, “What..... the actual fuck? She just scolded you and you’re.... you’re okay with it?” 

Bakugo shrugged, “She’s right... there’s no point in bickering with people who aren't worth it.” 

You smiled as you leaned up and kissed his cheek. It was a bold move, but it was something you had wanted to do for a while now. 

He gave you an incredulous look and narrowed his eyes, “What the fuck was that for.” 

Tasha cleared her throat behind him, “Here’s the coffees you guys ordered. Have a great day.” 

Bakugo waited for her to be out of earshot before he belted out a laugh, “Oi! Here you are acting all high and mighty talking about being the bigger person and then you go and try to make the barista jealous? You're sneaky.” 

He took a sip of his coffee while you just giggled. He didnt need to know that you had no idea Tasha had been standing there. He didnt need to know that you had kissed his cheek because you wanted to. You looked up and mer Kirishima’s eyes. He smirked at you, “Well aren't you two just adorable?” 

********************

Taglist : @carolinawindsay​ @fukyouthink​ @targaryens-blog​

[gustafsnightangel]

A Softer Side Part 6

“Sounds good.”

“I’d be there in person but I can’t leave. We need to keep her hidden and alive.”

“Absolutely.” Steve paused. “Have you heard from Meekland?”

“She fired me and Jerry.”

“Same with me and Davis. Good to know we’ve been given the green light to fuck shit up.”

“Oh we’re going to do more than fuck it up.” Strand chuckled.

“You sniffing something boss?” He could hear the grin in Wainwright’s voice.

“We have the syndicate and all their buyers and sellers. Once this trio of girls have been sold for the year we’re going to razz their entire operation to the ground.”

“Count me in.”

“Absolutely.” He eyed Ayla as she jumped out of her chair and moved to him, the urgent look on her face piqued his interest. “I’ll get Jerry to open a link between us and forward the information we have.”

“I’ll do the same.” Strand hung up as Ayla tapped him on the arm lightly and waved him to follow.

“Slow down Ayla.” He said gently, knowing the speed at which she was moving was painful to her. She pointed to a photo of Meekland on one of the monitors and tapped a few keys bringing up all the information on his boss. Some of it he knew, some of it he didn’t. “What’s the connection?” His brow furrowed as she tapped her DNA laptop and turned it for him to see the screen. Tapping her photo on the large monitor she then tapped her laptop. “That’s Meekland?” He asked looking at her with bewilderment and she nodded. There was more than tears in her eyes, there was sorrow, remorse. “You’re sure?” She nodded and pointed to herself and then at Meekland. “You knew her?”She nodded. “Was she one of the stolen infants?” She nodded again and opened up another file on her laptop. Strand began to read as she sat, eyes watching him intently.

“I know this is an old photo but why is this guy familiar?” He said and tapped her laptop screen without thinking and it went dark. “Shit sorry.” She logged back in and shrugged as if it were no big deal. Turning to the bank of monitors she brought up the commanding officer of their department, Meekland’s boss. “Oh fuck me.” He breathed. “I never saw it.” He felt his gut plummet. All this time they’d been fucking each other, the dominance play, he’d never even considered. He felt sick as his thoughts churned along with his stomach. “He bought her.” He stated more than asked.

Ayla’s hand rested on his to comfort, but he flinched and slapped it away, not caring if it hurt, not giving a shit as she scrambled away. He recoiled violently at the thoughts screaming through his head. Standing abruptly he walked away without a word, needing space, needing to crawl out of his own skin, needing to fucking breathe.

“Karl.” Mia said sternly as he stormed past her and out the French doors. “What the fuck was that?” She snapped.

“She was one of them Mia.” He spat pacing the dirt. “Sarah Meekland.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about. You slapped Ayla’s hand away, did you forget what ninth circle of hell you just pulled her from?” She seethed.

All Strand could do was glare at her.

“She was only doing what you asked her to do. Just because you found out something about an ex girlfriend that even your black heart managed to love doesn’t give you the right to slap her away and treat her like shit.”

“I never said I loved her and we’re not together.”

“You didn’t have to, it’s practically written over your face.” She snarked.

“Don’t you fucking dare.” He warned, he was in no mood for her sarcasm or teasing.

“You fucked her again didn’t you? After everything she put you through the first time, you fucked her again?” She said in disbelief.

“We both needed to blow off steam.” He mumbled. “It’s just sex.”

“Ok sure, I get that, but despite who she is and how she was raised, she nearly killed you Strand, you do remember that yes?”

“Fuck you Mia.”

“No.” She snarled and got in his face, which for a petite girl of 5’ 2”, was impressive. “Fuck you. I was the one who had to bring you back from the brink after that op went south on her orders, so fuck you Karl.” She drilled a finger into his chest. “You almost died in my fucking arms.” She spat, the tears in her voice evidence of how much she cared about him. “So fuck you for doing the one thing I asked you not to do, to not get personally involved with that soul sucking bitch again.” He reached for her. “Don’t you fucking touch me.” She snarled and slapped his hand away, the contact painful. “You treat Ayla like that again and I’ll fucking murder you in your sleep. You were right, you’re no good for her.” The barb struck deep as it had been intended. “You’re such an asshole.” She turned and walked back inside, it was only then he saw Ayla at the door, witness to everything they’d just said, turn, and disappear from view.

“Fuck!” He snarled, the overwhelming urge to shoot something thrumming through him.

It took him nearly an hour to pace and calm down, the look skyward at the stars and the moon making him feel so much worse than Ayla hearing his dirty laundry. “Well, I’ve been trying to tell you I’m an asshole, now you know.” He breathed and mentally kicked himself. “Fucking relationships.” He growled, sitting in the dirt he stared at the moon. Every interaction, every moment with Sarah went through his head, pulling it apart, analyzing it. The sex between them had always been consensual, had always been rough. Not once had she uttered her safe word or a color for stop, and her pain threshold was virtually non existent. “That should have been a red flag right there.” He muttered. How was he to know who she really was, her background, her upbringing?

******

It was almost midnight when he ventured back inside, the house quiet. Thinking everyone had gone to bed he turned for the rec room and saw Ayla still working hard and his heart cracked, had he hurt her too? Mia was nowhere to be found and Jerry’s door was shut which meant he was probably passed out.

He went to take a shower, the need to feel clean before he tried to mend the rift with Ayla. When he came back out she wasn’t at the computer. Standing at her bedroom door he saw the silhouette of her tiny body curled up, pressed against the wall. “Sweet girl.” He choked and walked to her, she shrank back as he sat next to her. “I know you’re angry at me and I’m sorry, but don’t sleep here sweet girl, get comfortable and warm in bed.” She shook her head and pulled away from him, the keening whimper warning him to back off. “Ok.” He sighed. “Ok. You can come lay down with me when you’re ready too.” She wanted nothing to do with him, that vacant stare breaking him, he’d caused that. He’d caused her to withdraw, to scamper away from him like a kicked puppy. Climbing into the bed he could hear the soft sobs and knew he may never get her to trust him again.

Karl woke to an empty room, the other side of the bed undisturbed, she’d slept on the floor all night and disappeared before he’d woken. “Back to square one.” He sighed to the ceiling and felt like the asshole he was. Venturing to the rec room he saw Jerry hard at work, the girls nowhere to be seen.

“Morning boss.”

“Morning. Mia and Ayla?” He asked taking a seat and watching the feed of the prime merch factory.

“No clue but our feed is up.”

“Thanks.” He said quietly.

“Not me, Ayla had it up last night.” He said pointing at the monitor. “She found background on all of them, the missing pieces from her laptop.”

“Pity we can’t print it off.”

“She did, well, sort of.” Jerry looked at him. “She didn’t show you?”

“Show me what?” He snarled.

Jerry pulled her DNA laptop over and started to pull up the data.

“How come you can touch it?” He asked growled.

“She gave me access, to everything.” Strand touched the screen and it shut down.

“No surprises there.” He growled.

“Did something happen I don’t know about?” Jerry asked and Karl pinched the bridge of his nose as he told Jerry what happened last night. “Oh.” He said simply.

“Yeah, I fucked up.” Karl scrubbed a hand over his face and paced. “So where do we stand with all the information, the case?” He had to just get on with it.

“The prime merch is under surveillance, we have background and parental info. Once we shut this down we can reunite. Ayla found the link to the milk money and I was right, runaways and homeless, the occasional school kid but those were borderline runaways. She’s taken every missing persons list from every county nationwide and run it against the websites buy/sell list, we’re still getting hits and that list is going to be astronomical. The websites have been up and running since the dawn of the internet.”

“So this goes deeper than Allen Raven.”

“Much deeper, though that part of the case will be for another time, we’re still collecting info.” Jerry leaned back in his chair and pulled the laptop into his lap. “The op is set, we have weeks to observe, but where it gets interesting is where Meekland’s involved. This asshole.” He tapped the screen in front of him and a photo of her boss filled it. “Is a prime merch purchaser. He’s a prime asshole too, but we’ll shelve that rant for another day. He’s purchased six girls over the past thirty years funneling money from the company we’re a part of, correction, were a part of. That’s a girl every five years, Meekland was, or is, his first, and he’s up for a new girl this year. He usually takes the third 16 year old prime Raven has to offer.”

“Good, we’ll be geared up to take his ass down. What happened to the others?” Strand asked already knowing the answer.

“We’re still running the searches for them. They’re either dead or chained somewhere much like Ayla was. There’s also connections to others in the department, some on Meekland’s list, some that Ayla found on top of it.”

“She’s uncovered all of this?” He looked at Jerry.

“I’m only just scratching the surface of information she has on here.” He said tapping her laptop. “Every transaction, every girl, prime down to milk money, every client and what they like.”

“She’s trying to right wrongs that aren’t even hers.” He murmured, echoing Mia’s words from the other day.

“She’s trying to help you.” Jerry said gently.

“I really fucked up didn’t I?”

“Yeah you did boss, but she’ll come around, give her time.”

“And what if she doesn’t?”

“She will, she loves you, you saved her.” Hunt said gently.

“I hit her.” Strand snarled.

“You slapped her hand away, it’s not the same as what was done to her and you know it.” Jerry said finding his spine.

“It may as well have been a full on backhand across the face.”

“Boss, that’s not who you are, but you did it and you can’t take it back.”

“No I can’t, and she may never trust me again.”

“Give her some time, Mia too.” Hunt said and got back down to it knowing Karl wasn’t one to talk about his feelings. They were all on edge, maybe the distance was for the best.

******

Strand spent the day reading and compiling notes on their next op, monitoring the feed from Wainwright. When it was apparent the girls were not going to surface he set his own searches to run, his own lists to compile and went to bed early, Jerry doing much the same. This would be their routine for the following weeks leading up to the op.

He was restless, the thoughts of what he’d done to Ayla, to Mia, how did he fix it? Time sure, mending the rift with Mia was easy enough, it wasn’t the first time they’d gone head to head, but Ayla? He may never be able to fully mend that chasm between them now. “Mia was right, I’m no fucking good for you sweet girl.” He growled and punched the pillow trying to make it more comfortable. “No fucking good at all.”

******

The following morning Strand made his way out to a silent house, the girls were still tucked away somewhere, his only concern was Ayla. Was she eating, sleeping, was she ok? Mia, he knew would surface eventually and they’d snarl at each other again for a while and things would get back to normal. Ayla on the other hand, she was alone again, he’d left her alone, the one thing he’d promised he wouldn’t do. With his thoughts on Ayla he sat and noticed his searches were complete, his notes compiled, and new searches running along roughly the same lines as his thoughts were at the new data.

“Ayla left that running for you this morning.” Jerry said as he sat, handing a coffee to Karl.

“She...” He breathed. “Was Mia with her?” He asked and Jerry shook his head.

“I haven’t seen Mia.” He said and Strand nodded.

“She’ll be back when she’s ready to strip another layer of skin from my hide.” He snarked and sipped his coffee. “Quite rightly.” He added in a low growl.

Settling in at the computer he got to work, more reading, more notes, more tugging loose ends to see what they unraveled. Jerry did much the same, the pair working in a comfortable silence. That would be their routine for the next few weeks. Get up, silently thank Ayla for finding whatever she was able to find for him and Jerry, work, sleep, rinse, repeat.

He put Ayla out of his mind as much as he could, he had to if this op was going to be successful, which was increasingly difficult as the days turned into weeks. He missed her, that slight smile, her touch, her kiss, the way she looked at him as if he was her whole world.

“Shit.” He snarled one night as he sat outside looking up at the moon, the soft halo that surrounded it. “That’s because you are her whole world you fuckhead.” He swore, this was all she knew outside of the concrete shit hole Raven had put her in, he was all she knew. Coming back into the house he wasn’t expecting to see Ayla at the computers, working hard to find them whatever lead she could. He felt his breath rush out at the sight of her, she’d put on weight, the gaunt, frail look gone from her limbs.

Without hesitation he walked to her and dropped to his knees beside her, he’d grovel if he had to, anything to make it right. He saw her hands freeze on the keys as he turned her chair and rested his forehead on her knees.

“I’m sorry.” He choked. “I’m so fucking sorry.” He knew this had freaked her out just by the way she sat stock still, barely breathing. He kept his hands in his lap, not trusting himself to touch her in case he damaged their tenuous relationship any further. “Nothing, absolutely nothing excuses my behavior, for slapping your hand away, for terrifying you, hurting you. I’m sorry.” He stared at her bare feet, her toenails painted a sunny yellow, the manacle marks at her ankles only a slightly darker shade of pink now instead of angry red welts, the silver scars from years of wearing them like a spiderweb. “I’m no good for you, but I know I’m all you’ve got. I’ll do better.” He left it there, half expecting the silence that followed, half terrified she’d push him away. When her shaky hand cupped the side of his head tenderly he almost choked on a sob. “I don’t deserve you, someone as forgiving as you.” He whispered and leaned into her hand eager to feel more of her, that loving touch he craved.

Her finger hooked under his chin and she tugged enough for him to lift his head, a silent plea to look at her. He felt his heart lurch as he laid eyes on her face for the first time in nearly three weeks. Sea green eyes looked back, intense, sharp, loving. The weight she’d put on had filled out her cheeks, the hollow look gone without a trace of the tortured woman beneath.

“I’m so sorry.” He whispered, his voice catching and the slight smile that tugged the corners of her mouth melted him as she brushed a thumb over his lips. Melted, him, the asshole Karl Strand, on his knees, a fucking mess at her feet.

The ping of the computer had her head whip around. She studied the data, as he studied her, before turning back to face him. Her eyes searched his and before he could stop her she kissed him, that slow burn that told him she’d not only forgiven him, that she wanted more, it spoke of a love he wasn’t entirely sure he was worthy of. Turning back to the screen she dropped her hand from his face and with a few keystrokes pulled up the data he’d been searching for earlier.

“I’m sorr...” She touched a finger to his lips and shook her head, it was finished now. He stayed where he was, reading the data she’d pulled up, her hand casually resting on his shoulder, fingers absently toying with the collar of his shirt. It was such a tender intimacy he’d never had before and it floored him.

“Thank you for you help the past few weeks.” He said softly as his emotions settled. “Jerry and I have been able to get this case organized and progressing. We’d still be neck deep in it if we didn’t have your help.” She looked at him and he felt her eyes search his face, her soft kiss melting him again.

A little after three she set a few searches to run and pushed back her chair to stand. Karl was still on his knees, not game to move from his spot, terrified the spell would be broken and this little slice of peace with her would be taken from him. He looked up at her, the rich whisky colored hair framing her face, damn she was stunning. Holding out her hand for his, he chuckled. This was a turn of events he thought, the slight smile telling him it wasn’t lost on her either. He stood, his tall frame dwarfing hers, the urge to kiss her, hold her, overwhelming. Taking his hand in hers she led him to her room. He stopped on her threshold and looked at her. “Sweet girl.” He breathed as she tugged his hand. “I don’t know if this is a good idea.” His gentle tone trying to ease her into the rejection. He couldn’t sleep with her tonight even though his body yearned for it. His emotions were a mess and if he fucked this up now they’d be done forever.

Her eyes pleaded and the hand in his shook slightly. “I want to, but...” She shook her head and tugged his hand. Stepping into the room she surprised him when she shut the door quietly behind him. He looked around her room, it too had changed, there were books on the nightstand, clothes in the closet he could see via the slightly open door. Mia had taken her shopping, or online shopping at least. He watched as she sat on the bed and patted her hand on the covers.

“You sure sweet girl?” He asked and at her nod he walked to the other side and climbed in. Watching her she climbed under the covers, switched the lamp off, and tentatively moved closer to him, the need to feel her in his arms making his fingers itch. With the moonlight streaming through the open curtains he let his eyes adjust to the glow. Her fingers twitched as they touched his arm, still unsure and timid of sleeping beside him in a bed. He was about to suggest he go sleep in his room when she shifted, laying beside him, body flush with his, her hand fisted in his shirt as her head rested on his bicep. “Sweet girl.” He breathed and wrapped his arms around her slowly, the press of her against him stirring something inside him that should have stayed dormant. “I missed you.” He whispered and kissed her head, the scent of her clouding his mind, his reasoning, his judgement. “I’m so sorry.” Her head tipped back to look at him as her fingers trailed thought his scruff, those soft lips brushing his tenderly. “Sleep sweet girl, we both need sleep.” Because if she kept touching and kissing him like this he would fuck her to satisfy his own craving for her. She curled into him, her head burrowing under his chin and relaxed. Holding her close he leveled out his breathing and willed his over confident cock to stand down. How the fuck did he end up with these sorts of feelings for her?

He felt her plummet into sleep, but his mind raced. She looked peaceful in his arms, the weeks of food, water, sleep, and safety blossoming her into a very attractive woman. “Sweet girl you undo me, make me feel things I’m not sure I have the right to feel.” He murmured into the night, the scent of her filling his senses and pulling him under. “I’m still no good for you.” He mumbled.

******

He woke with a start as she shifted, the sun painting the sky beyond the curtains pretty colors. They’d only been asleep for a few hours and he growled as he hit the button to close the curtains for more darkness. She trembled as the sun disappeared, the soft blue glow from the curtains the only light in the room. “You’re safe sweet girl, sleep some more.” He cuddled her in close, the softness of her body a sharp contrast to the body he’d held weeks ago after bringing her out of the concrete prison she’d been forced to live in. She turned into him, face buried into his chest, the soft whimper tearing at him. “You’re safe with me.” He brought his arms around her tighter and kissed her forehead, sleep still held her just as tightly. “You’re always safe with me.” Her body slowly went lax, the warmth from him soothing her as much as his voice.

******

He woke hours later to the prickly feeling he was being watched. His eyes snapped open to see those sea green pools staring at him from under dark lashes. If things weren’t as fragile as they were he would have stripped them both naked and taken her. He found being this close to her, with that look made his blood boil in the most erotic way. “You have the prettiest eyes sweet girl.” He murmured, his voice husky with need. Feeling this way about her wasn’t healthy. She tilted her head back, stretched up, and kissed him. “We can’t Ayla.” He breathed as he pulled back, fuck this was killing him. “I...” She kissed him again sweetly and pulled back the covers. “I’m not good for you.” He said as she climbed out of bed, the flat look she gave him was one of annoyance, she didn’t want to hear it. “Fuck me.” He swore as she closed the bathroom door. “I’m trying to do the right fucking thing here.” He sighed to the ceiling.

He couldn’t get involved with her. Once the case was finished, what then, he wasn’t the settling down type. He didn’t want to play happy families. And he sure as hell wasn’t going to fuck her and leave her, she didn’t deserve that, didn’t deserve the domination game he liked to play. He played hard and rough and that was far from what she needed. Sex for him was explosive, was a primal need to be sated, to take and give only what he allowed, where he was in control, he was the one making choices. It was always concentual, but his tastes ran a little wild.

Dressed she came out of the bathroom and glanced at him before disappearing, closing the door behind her. He ripped off the covers off angry at himself, fuming at this whole fucked up situation. Heading back to his own bathroom he shucked his sweats and shirt and stroked his raging hard cock, fuck he needed release.

Under the hot spray he soaped up and began to find it, the image of Ayla invading his mind. His hand pumping slowly as if he was sinking into her, her tightness enveloping him. Letting his fantasy run wild he took her with his mind, every inch of her devoured while he fucked her. His soft grunt as he came more a sigh as he rode the pleasure the mere thought of fucking her gave him. Rinsing off he turned the water off and wrapped a towel at his hips. Staring in the mirror he was disgusted with himself. “You have no business lusting after that woman.” He snarled at his reflection. “She doesn’t need your shit you asshole.” He dressed and headed out to hunt down some food.

******

Seeing Ayla at the workstation with Jerry he smiled, she was looking good and seemed happy. Mia glared at him from the kitchen and he thought now was as good a time as any to clear the air between them.

“I apologized to Ayla last night.” He said softly and took a seat on the opposite side of the kitchen island, he wasn’t completely stupid. “On my knees.”

“As you fucking should.” She growled.

“Mia, I really want to move on from this, for her sake, but if we need to go a round where you beat the shit out of me for it then step the fuck outside.” His tone was irritated, he wanted to move them all past this.

“I’m not as naïve as she is Strand. I know what you’re capable of and exactly what you are.”

“I’m an asshole, I’ve never lied to her about that. I even reiterated that last night. I’m an asshole and I don’t deserve her, but as you keep pointing out, it’s her fucking choice.”

“You can always say no.” She ground out.

He stalked around the island and got in her face, in her space. “I have. Repeatedly.” His glare lit the fire in her eyes. “Take a swing Mia, you’ll only get one.”

“You fucking know ones all I need.”

“Then consider it a free pass.” He welcomed her violence, the pain would be better than the ache in his heart for Ayla.

“You’re in love with her.” She whispered, the realization dropping from her lips seriously as she clued into the internal pain he was feeling.

“I don’t know what I feel for her Mia, and that terrifies me.” He backed off, his eyes flicking to the rec room entrance. “She’s the complete opposite to what I’m usually interested in. Sex aside because it’s not happening, what do I have to offer her? I’m a loner, I’m a prick, I’m controlling, I’m everything she shouldn’t want to ever see again after what she’s been through.”

“She doesn’t see it that way Karl. God you’re so thick sometimes.” She blurted out suddenly exasperated. “You’re the first male to care about her, and despite the situation of how you met, she loves you. She’s discovering who she is and what she likes.”

“I don’t want to hurt her, intentionally or not, I can’t bear to see her in pain or upset, it fucking guts me Mia.”

“You’re helping her find her way Strand, it’s a big deal for her.”

“Has she talked to you?” He asked.

“No, she hasn’t uttered a word to me. We did girly things, shopped online, ate ice cream watched some movies. I gave her a taste of what normal single girls do.” She looked at him. “She not naïve about sex, she didn’t get upset at sex scenes in the movies we watched, she knows the difference between what was done to her and what’s normal.”

“My sexual taste is a little on the wild side Mia and you know that.”

“You’re never going to know hers if you push her away and deny her.”

“I like the domination the spanking, the hand at the throat, and I like it rough, I highly doubt she’ll be into that.” He growled.

“Like I said, you’ll never know if you don’t talk to her. She’ll find her voice when you do Karl. You want her to talk to you, to open up? You need to do the same.” She sat the coffee in front of him and took a bowl of ice cream in for Ayla, he smirked at that, it had become her normal.

******

Each night Ayla curled up with him he thought about what to say to her, chewed on Mia’s words. In the morning he would shower after her and stroke himself until he came, thinking of her and those sea green eyes he’d fallen in love with. Did he love her or was it just lusting after her because they’d been forced together? During the day the four of them worked, the sell date creeping forward, the methodical task of closing the net and catching every last one of these monsters. Then and only then could he really dive into his feelings for Ayla and determine a way forward, that’s if she didn’t make his choice for him in the mean time.

******

As the days crawled toward the second auction Ayla had settled. Working with Jerry, curling up at night with Karl, spending more time venturing outside to unwind with Mia. Strand had noticed the spark in her, taking chances, making choices, becoming herself. She was still reserved and calculating, but more at ease with the three of them.

“I have a question.” Jerry said as they sat around the dinner table one night. “In a few days the auction is going to go live, because, hey, we’re the ones initiating it. But will they be expecting an infant to turn up as per usual?” Karl looked at him and thought about it.

“I would assume so.” He mused. “The switch happened after he’d kidnapped the child, it was when he dropped it off that he collected the teen.”

“We might have a problem then. If they’re expecting a baby for the teen, we’re fucked.”

“Not necessarily.” Mia said. “You can always lock it down when you collect the teen. No one in or out.”

“Another question is will they hand over the teen to someone that’s not Raven?” Jerry said softly.

“You’re full of good cheer tonight.” Karl said sarcastically as he tossed his cutlery on the plate. “Plan B?”

“We don’t have one.”

“We better make one.” He growled. “Could Davis or Wainwright pass for Raven with some help?” He asked Mia.

“I can work on it, have them send a scan of their bone structure and I can work some magic.”

“It was a quick handover and in the dark.”

“Burke will be on that night, we’ll get her to answer the door. Maybe he had trouble getting an infant? Would they accept that?” Karl mused and watched as Ayla slipped away and came back with her DNA laptop. She silently worked on something while they tossed ideas around and he mentally kicked himself he hadn’t thought of this issue sooner. Had your mind been where it should be, he scolded himself, on the op and all the logistics that went with it, this would have been rectified weeks ago not days before. Instead you’re off chasing a piece of ass that you shouldn’t be tangoing with.

“I don’t see why not, it’s his operation.” Jerry shrugged.

Ayla looked at Karl. “What is it sweet girl?” Her eyes flicked to everyone in the room and she turned the laptop around. Strand scanned the list. “The dates are different.” He looked at her. “For the ones you highlighted. He’s had issues with snatching a kid on the anniversaries in the past.” She nodded. “We can use that. At least this isn’t going to be a once off.” There was sorrow in her eyes tonight, the case and what they had to do weighing on her, her own trauma and history. “Thanks.” He smiled at her and she nodded again as Mia dished up ice cream. He watched Ayla take her bowl and laptop back and get down to work again. “She’s already feeling it.” Strand said quietly to the other two. “The case, the apprehension, the pressure.”

“She feels powerless.” Mia said and took another bite of strawberry ice cream. “Vulnerable. She knows she’s safe, but she knows other aren’t and she can’t stop what’s happening.”

“She’s helping though.” Strand said as he saw her pull more data up on screen and run more searches.

“Maybe you should tell her that.” She shrugged. “She feels responsible Karl, and I know that sounds ridiculous, but she was with him for her entire life, watched as he destroyed others. She was powerless in the literal sense, she’s not now.”

“Righting wrongs that aren’t hers.” He sighed.

“We know that.” Mia said, leaving it hanging, she squeezed his shoulder as she walked to the kitchen.

They continued to work the slight change to the op, Mia and Jerry finding their beds at around 11, Ayla was still plowing through data. Strand sat next to her as he compiled op notes to send to the team and setup a call tomorrow to run through it. He saw the tears, her eyes intent on her work, the fact she ignored them breaking his heart.

“Sweet girl.” He sighed and brushed a knuckle against her cheek. Her fingers hastily scrubbed them away and she shook her head before trying to focus on her tasks. Pushing herself, he thought, pushing so hard to save them. “Ayla? None of this is your fault, you’re not responsible fo...” She pushed his hand away and shook her head. “You’re not.” Her tears turned into sobs. “Look at me.” He said gently. “Please.” Those stormy ocean green eyes held pain and anger when they looked back. “You had no choice but to do as he commanded.” He started. “None.” His fingers held her under the chin tenderly, his thumb stroking her tears away. “You were stolen, abused, used, you’re not responsible for what you had to do to stay alive and to keep him from torturing you.” His voice cracked at the keening sound coming from her. “You’re a good person sweet girl, you’re here helping. We didn’t ask, you made a choice to help the other girls. Made the choice to help us shut down the auctions, to get the girls to safety.” As he watched her those eyes saw parts of himself he couldn’t hide, parts he struggled to bury. “This is not your burden Ayla, that’s all on Allen Raven. You’re allowed to be angry at him, but not yourself. You had no choice back then sweet girl, none of this is your fault.” She nodded and he raked his fingers through her hair gently cupping her head and urging her close. Crawling into his lap she wept for the girls, for her part in it, for herself. “My sweet Ayla.” He murmured as he soothed her.

The tears subsided and she sat in his lap staring at the screens, that vacant look in her eyes, it had been weeks since she’d retreated inward. Setting a few searches to run overnight he lifted her into his arms and carried her to the bedroom. He tucked her in and reassured her he wasn’t leaving for long, before taking care of his business in the bathroom. Leaving the curtains open wide he curled in behind her, his body cradling hers, protecting, soothing. She eventually rolled over, those slender fingers fisting in his shirt, her head using his bicep as a pillow. It had become their normal which Strand knew would be harder when it came time for him to leave. “Sleep now sweet girl, you’re safe. I’ll keep you safe.” For as long as I can, he added silently.

******

He woke to Ayla still huddled into him, the fragility of her blindingly obvious. Resting his lips on her head after a kiss he combed his fingers through her hair in an attempt to soothe her awake. “I don’t know what I feel when I’m with you.” He said quietly. “I don’t know if it’s love or lust, whether it’ll last beyond our time here. I don’t know if I should keep you at arms length for your own protection or for mine. Sometimes I’m not sure starting something with you is a good idea, but then when I’m near you I crave every inch of you.” He kissed her head again and breathed her in. “It terrifies me.” He whispered. “I don’t know how to be what you need me to be.” Her head tipped back and soulful eyes pinned him.

Her fingers toyed with his scruff and held him there as she kissed him, slow and tender. She was so giving, he thought, he’d done nothing to deserve that. “You sleep ok?” He asked changing topics quickly before he ended up doing something he’d regret, her nod set him at ease. “You don’t have to sit through the op review or any of it if you don’t want to.” She shook her head and started to get up. “Stay a minute.” He said quickly. “Please.” She snuggled back in and let him hold her, the feel of her hair between his fingers soothing him more than her.

******

He showered first, the op review looming closer by the minute and he wanted his thoughts in order. Leaving her to sleep some more he sat with a coffee and got down to business.

“Ayla not up yet?” Jerry asked as he sat with his own coffee.

“Rough night.” Karl thumbed through his file. “She blames herself.”

“Damn.”

“Yeah. She’s retreated inward a little which is understandable.” He tossed the file on the desk and brought up the prime merch feed. “I gave her an option of not joining us for the takedown, it’ll be her choice whether she joins us or not.”

“Fair call.”

“If only.” He sighed and scrubbed a hand over his face as he punched in the number for the team and bringing them online for their briefing.

******

“It’s a solid plan Strand.” Davis rasped. “We’ll have the girl safely stashed away before the auction goes online.”

“You sure you’re ok for this?” Karl asked as he stared at the dark bruising against Davis’s throat.

“It sounds worse than it is.” He chuckled, which sounded like he’d smoked ten packs a day for a hundred years.

“Coms check and in position by 22:30. I want to watch the outside of the building for a while, make sure we’re not walking into something we’re not prepared for.”

“Copy that boss.”

With the briefing done and their operation stitched up tightly Strand wandered back to Ayla’s room. Curled up in a tight ball in the middle of the bed, she barely registered he’d appeared in front of her.

“Sweet girl.” He murmured. “You’re not alone, I’m right here.” He stroked her cheek gently before laying down next to her. His huge hands stroked and soothed gently until her body uncoiled and she looked at him. Her finger played with his scruff, as if it reassured her it was him. “Hey there sweet girl.” He smiled at her and her lips twitched into that half smile. What he wouldn’t give, he thought, to see a full happy smile, hear a belly laugh. Her finger trailed to his chest where it fanned out, the need to ground herself, feel safe. “You’re safe.” She nodded and looked up at him. “You hungry?” She shrugged. “I think Mia stashed some chocolate chip ice cream in the freezer earlier.” He grinned. “How about we go eat some?” He kissed her brow and she shook her head. “Tummy upset?” She nodded. Stress, fear, grief, he was so not equipped for handling this. “Understandable.” He kissed her brow again and just held her.

She drifted back to sleep, Karl able to separate himself from her to grab some dinner and make a mug of soup for her.

“She still in bed?” Mia asked as she stacked the dishwasher.

“Yeah, tired, overwhelmed, stressed. She blames herself.” He said quietly and Mia nodded. “I’m turning in for the night, staying close to her.” He mumbled and headed off to her room, but not before seeing the smirk plastered across Mia’s face. He felt ridiculous. He was a grown ass man getting all soft on a girl he had no business getting soft over.

He managed to persuade her to eat half the monster cup of soup he brought in, nibbled on the dark rye bread she liked. Sitting, legs stretched out he was consumed by his thoughts. Thoughts of past relationships, if he was being honest with himself he’d never had a long term relationship, it was one night stands or an arrangement like he and Meekland had. He hadn’t even contemplated that clusterfuck, was she loyal to her owner or to the girls, the case? Where did their relationship fit into it all, had she used him, too blinded by what he thought was love to see it? Was that why he couldn’t admit he loved Ayla? He watched her set the cup of soup aside and visit the bathroom. Was he in love with her? The eternal batchelor? Just be what and who she needs, he thought, as she climbed back into bed and curled up at his hip. A while later he lay behind her and cocooned her with his frame, safe, secure, dare he think it, loved.

******

The morning of the op he had to separate himself from her, get his head in the game, do his damn job. He pulled her from sleep gently, those eyes fluttering open as his fingertips brushed the hair from her face. “Morning sweet girl.” His smile brought that twitch to her lips he liked. “I have to get to work, I need to prepare for tonight.” She nodded but her hand gripped and scrunched his shirt. “I’ll be right here in the house, safe with you.” She nodded again. “I need to know you’ll be ok while I’m taking care of these assholes.” She pressed her face against his chest and relaxed, her grip on his shirt lessening. Nodding she looked up at him before her lips claimed his. It floored him every time she did that, made him feel emotions he wasn’t ready to handle. He deepened it, fingers raking through her hair to cup her head, greedy for a taste of her, to feel her, his cock stirring to life at the rush.

Resting his forehead on hers he eased away before he took it a step further. “I wish you’d talk to me.” His voice husky. “I’m skating a moral line with you. I want to do right by you, not take advantage of you or the situation, but at the same time I want to throw caution to the wind and give you what you want, what you’re asking for. Sex with me isn’t gentle Ayla, I like it rough, I like to dominate, and honestly, that’s the last kind of lover I want to be if I’m with you. Because I know it’ll hurt you, not physically, even I have lines I won’t cross, but psychologically.” He looked down into those pretty eyes. “I can’t do anything that might hurt you sweet girl. It’ll end me.” He kissed her brow and lingered. “It guts me when you cry, like there’s a tangible bond between us. I don’t know how to handle this, to do what’s right for both of us, I just don’t know. And though with most women I’d wing it, you’re different. So different that I want to do it right. And I’m fucking rambling.” He huffed a chuckle. “You’ve got me all tied up in knots.” She stretched up and kissed him, his soft groan into her mouth startling him. “I don’t deserve you, deserve what you freely want to give me. I’ll only disappoint you sweet girl.” She shook her head as if to say no you wont or you haven’t yet.

“I need to go to work.” He needed to step away to collect himself. She nodded and smoothed a hand over his chest. “I won’t deny I have feelings for you Ayla, I’m just terrified at what that’ll mean for us.” He kissed her forehead quickly and pulled back the covers.

A shower and some food in his belly seemed to settle the ragged edges of his emotions. Sitting with a coffee he digested the overnight searches enough to get his head in the game, they were closing in. To his surprise Ayla ventured out as they sat for dinner, showered, dressed, with a look of determination on her face. She sat next to him, her hands slightly shaking as she ate. My brave sweet girl, he thought, she was going to put herself through hell tonight. The internal war inside him to say something, tell her she didn’t have to do it, raged. Her choice, the little voice in his head whispered, she’d chosen to fight, to help the girls that had no choice in where they were, what they were forced to do.

He watched her take her ice cream into the rec room and sit at her laptop, fingers already moving as she worked, studied the op, took it all in. “Her choice.” He said gruffly as Mia looked at him disconcertingly. “I’ve explained she didn’t need to be in on this, that we understood if she wanted to sit this out. Her choice. Don’t chew my ass on it.” He grumbled and went to sit beside her. No way was he leaving her alone tonight.

******

Focusing on the op they monitored the prime merch factory, the team in position, and Wainwright looked like a carbon copy of Raven. So much like him he saw Ayla cower, the soft whimper escape before he placed his hand on hers and she gripped tightly. “That’s Wainwright sweet girl. I know with 100% certainty, Allen Raven is on Hades 6. That’s not him.” She nodded and kept a tight hold of his hand, the tremble in her body gutting him.

They watched with baited breath as Wainwright knocked on the door, the tense moments as it opened and the girl handed over to him. It wasn’t until he’d dropped the girl at the safe house and driven away that Strand broke the silence.

“Did they suspect?”

“No, I got no vibes that they knew something was off.” He was breathing a little easier now. “Burke and I are heading back to wait for the drop location. Davis is standing by with his team for deploying the net, just like last time.”

“Good job.”

“Save that until after we nail this next buyer.” He chuckled. “Were not done tonight.”

“No, we’re not, but you going undetected is a damn good start.” Strand said honestly.

In the brief hiatus between the teen pickup and the auction due to go online the team took a moment to calm the nerves. Ayla was quiet, too quiet, Strand thought, as he watched her out of his periphery. He was concerned when she turned down the bowl of ice cream that Mia had placed beside her. Those eyes were intense as they watched every screen, every bit of movement, preparing for Allen Raven to jump through the screen at her.

Karl tugged her hand gently and she looked at him. “Sweet girl.” He said gently, the invitation to curl up with him in his tone. It took her a moment to process his words, the offer of the safety she found in his arms. Without a word she hunched onto his lap, curled in as tightly as she could. “You’re safe sweet girl.” He murmured and kissed her hair, the scent calming him, her hand fisting in his shirt.

Jerry waited until 12:01 precisely to send the auction live, the quick paced bidding war had begun as the silence was interrupted every so often with a ping.

“There’s a few new buyers, I don’t recognize these four.” Jerry said pointing at the screen. Ayla was watching and her hand shot out to pull up data from her DNA laptop with a few easy strokes. “Ahhhh, that explains it. Another like our asshole commanding officer.” Jerry growled. “This guy is on a three year replacement deal.” While Jerry read, Ayla pulled the keyboard into her lap and pulled data on the other three. Even Karl had to admit her hacking skill were out of this world. Snuggled into him as she worked he started to watch her finesse the data, tease it out of every corner.

“You sweet girl, are amazing.” He breathed, that low rumble of his voice only for her to hear as he kissed her head. They worked through the early morning, jumping on every new bidder to obtain as much information as they could.

“These are the wannabes.” Jerry said as he compared this auction history to the last. “These guys bid for the thrill, knowing that the big fish have yet to enter. It hasn’t even tipped over 800 K.”

“Give it until nine tonight, things will start to pick up then for sure.” Karl said as he shifted Ayla in his lap.

“She’s asleep boss.” Hunt chuckled.

“I know. My ass is asleep too.”

“I’ll hold down the fort, go sleep. We can switch at lunch.”

“You sure?”

“Positive, I’ll wake you if the shit hits the fan.” Jerry turned and got to work and he looked at Mia. Her slight nod told him she’d keep the rookie company.

*******

Ayla barely moved as he carried her to her room. So not to disturb her too much he decided to sit up in bed, the mattress slightly more comfortable on his ass than the chair had been. Eventually he slid them horizontal and under the covers. Her dreams kept him awake, the soft whimper, her hands first pushing him away then pulling him closer. “Sleep sweet girl, you’re safe now, you’re safe with me.” He caged her in, his massive frame protecting her. Her sigh shuddered out and with it every ounce of terror and stress. “Sleep now Ayla, you’re safe.” She dropped into sleep like a stone and once he was sure she was out cold, he followed.

******

He knew she was watching him, could feel her gaze. Her finger brushed his scruff, the tip tickling his lip and he felt her jump at his chuckle.

“That tickles.” He smiled and opened his eyes to see those deep sea green pools looking at him, so soulful, a small smile tugged at her lips. He went to say something but her finger silenced him, the shake of her head telling him she didn’t want words, she wanted silence. Laying there in the quiet, her fingers mapping his face, he fell for her a little more, how could he not?

“You up boss?” Jerry called softly through the door as he knocked.

“Yeah.”

“I’m out. I need at least a solid six.”

“Sounds good.” He looked down at Ayla, eyes searching hers. She stretched up and kissed him, slow and soft, the tenderness from her melting him. He deepened it, the yearning for her tugging at him. Rolling he pressed her into the mattress, the feel of her beneath him igniting an inferno inside him, he wanted her like his next breath. “Ayla.” He breathed, losing himself to the moment, her mouth enticing him to linger. “I have to go to work sweet girl.” He said resting his forehead against hers, voice husky with need. She nodded and splayed her fingers out across his chest. “I could use the company, the help if you’re up for it?” He asked gently. She nodded again and tapped her fingers against his chest as if to say, get your ass up then.

He rolled off her and let her take a shower first, the tent in his sweats would be a dead giveaway as to what that kiss had done to him. Was he in love with her, he pondered, could he love her how she deserved, how she needed? She needed slow and tender, loving, could he be that for her? He watched as she came out in leggings and a sloppy knit sweater, how did that turn him on where he wanted to strip her naked and fuck her senseless?

He took a shower, a cold one, and joined her in the rec room where she’d made a coffee for him.

“Thanks.” He said sitting and she nodded as her fingers were already flying over the keyboard hard at work. “You find something sweet girl?” He followed her finger as it tapped the screen for the newest ping from the auction. “Ivan Petrov.” He murmured and Ayla nodded. “And he’s serious with that bid.” The auction just took a 1.3 million dollar hike as it evened it out to a cool 2.2 million total. “He watched as her fingers caressed the photo of Jerry ’s sister. “I know sweet girl.” He sighed. “Here’s hoping he’s the winning bidder.” His growl was feral. “Because then Jerry can beat the location of Eva out of him.” Her hand covered his and he calmed, it was almost instantaneous. “Before I ship him off to Hades 6.” He added looking down at her, understanding looked back. She stood and collected his cup, kissed his cheek, and wandered out to the kitchen.

They worked side by side until Mia surfaced around eight hungry. Ayla helped her out in the kitchen, her eyes intent on what Mia was doing. It was these simple everyday things that she’d been denied, he thought. Mia had taught her how to cook, how to do laundry, basic self care. She’d been denied so much.

Jerry made his way out at the smell of food and Karl filled him in on the current bidding situation with Petrov. “As much as I’d love to rig it so he wins, I want to see his fucking face when we take him down and he was none the wiser. There’a a great deal of satisfaction knowing he did it all himself and we’re going to nail him.”

“We may have to offer him a deal for your sister.” Strand watched him carefully.

“Then he gets a deal. He’ll still be shipped to Hades 6 even if I have to fly the damn shuttle myself.” Jerry spat.

“I wasn’t finished.” Karl growled, his irritation evident and Jerry backed off. “We’ll offer it to him, but there’s nothing in my current job description that says I have to honor that offer.” Strand watched as Jerry’s face split with a grin.

“You really are an asshole.”

“So I’ve been told.” He said wryly.

They sat and ate, the conversation about anything but the case, the need to step away briefly before submerging themselves in the job, the overwhelming nastiness that was sex slavery and pedophilia. Karl smiled at Ayla eating through a full meal, it seemed like only yesterday she was barely able to stomach half a cup of soup.

“Tomorrow we’re taking the day off and making burgers.” He said quietly. “I promised this sweet girl a juicy burger when we came here.”

“Mmmm, bison burgers.” Mia said wistfully. “I have some in the deep freeze.”

“Oven fries.” Said Jerry. “Gotta have the oven fries, all nice and crispy. You’re in for a treat Ayla.” He smiled. “Oooo and sourdough buns, toasted with mustard. God damn I haven’t had a decent burger in a while.” He chuckled.

They talked about other food she needed to try, tacos, gyros, hummus, roast turkey, laughed at Mia as she was virtually salivating. With full bellies and bowls of ice cream they ventured in to run the remaining part of the op. At 11:30 they were all business, the laughter put aside, the jokes saved for another time.

@hausofobsession @ill-skillsgard @grandpa-sweaters @authentic90skidd @tuckersgirl @fairlyfallacy @flowers-in-your-hayr @raewritesfiction @stinkerbelle007 @kamie-b @mrsaugustwalker @skrsgardspam @loliwrites @trippedmetaldetector @lihikainanea @fay-walden

[notyetneedcoffee]

Place In The Woods

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x OFC

Bucky Barnes still doesn’t know who is, but he knows what he’s not. He’s not HYDRAs weapon anymore. He knows he’s not really the Soldier. He knows he needs to remember the man he was. He didn’t know that an encounter, no matter how brief, with a very special woman would start him down the right path.

Notes:  Takes place immediately after the river scene in CA:WS. Explicit content. Swearing. Smut. And just a touch of fluff. No breaks in story cannon.  

Warning 18+ angsty, fluff and smut to follow.

Few headlights past him on the rural road late in the night. Bucky Barnes just drove vaguely north in the stolen 2004 Ford F-150. He had no idea where he was or what may be nearby. Whenever a city seemed closed, he turned the truck in the other direction and stayed as far away from people as possible. Functioning on auto-pilot, he just put distance between himself and the scene.

After pulling Steve Rogers from the water, he found a hidden spot to observe. Part of him want to sit there with the stranger – the target and mission who knew more about him than he did. He felt a deep protective urge that nearly overwhelmed all his training, his common sense, even his fear. The conditioning in his head roared and railed, demanding he complete his mission.  

Instead, he took up a position and waited. Bucky fought to stay himself, to hold on to free will. He battled to remain present and aware of his surroundings. He focused on the trigger that broke his bonds, this man who he knew but couldn’t remember. Sooner than should have been possible, Steve stirred. He lifted his head wearily and looked around before touching something in the wrist of his uniform. He laid back with a groan.  

The sound of an engine had Bucky vacating the area, having no desire to be captured again. A beacon of some sort must be transmitting Steve’s location. He knew the rescuers could be using any number of scanning technologies and hiding would be useless. Sticking to shadows and alleys, avoiding traffic cameras and other people, Bucky finally found a locked back door to a pawn shop.

Once he snapped the lock in his left hand, the bolt not standing a chance against his prosthetic arm, he knew time was limited. Moving with expert precision, Bucky snagged a ruck sack, a leather jacket, a tactical knife, two 9mm handguns, extra magazines, boxes of shells, and a burner phone. In the office he found a petty cash envelope with $200 and hoodie that should fit. It would do.  

All the emergency responders were busy at the chaos caused by the downed helicarriers, and everyone else seemed to be too busy trying find out what happened to pay much attention to a shadow skulking through the streets. He ducked into a beat-up laundromat where the few patrons gathered around the little television in the office beyond the counter. One of the gawkers looked to be about his size. The third drier Bucky checked was full of jeans and jerseys that would fit.  

A rueful smile tugged at his lips when he noticed the open thermos, a copy Stephen King’s Dark Tower, and a set of keys, left forgotten amongst the excitement. The faded blue truck sat parked just around the corner. Bucky drove for nearly forty minutes before he found a remote place to pull over.  

The old building looked like it may have once been a roadside grocer, but now the windows were boarded up and brush was over taking the drive. He pulled around back, hiding the truck from the road. He lucked out, finding water still flowed from the side faucet. He could clean up and change clothes.

With every piece of equipment he stripped off, strong memories of what he’d done seemed to clarify in his mind. Arm guards dropped onto the tail gate. He pushed his right forearm into the throat of a French ambassador, as he stabbed him. Holster unbuckled. Standing in the shadows of a Swiss banker’s flat, waiting for her to step through the door before shooting. Chest guard joined the pile. Hearing the man say “Bucky?” for the first time.

Suddenly his legs failed, he found himself on the ground. His chest felt too tight. The air too thick to breathe. He looked at his hands and they were shaking. He curled them into fists, but they wouldn’t stop. He panted, wanted to scream, to howl. Fuck, it hurt. He felt raw - like he was coming undone. He curled over his knees, burying his head under his arms.

I know him.  

Flashes of memories assaulted his mind. The feeling of a strong hand on his shoulder. Blue eyes. A set of rickety stairs outside a building. A green and blue quilt that smelled like ivory soap and lavender. Potato soup, so hot that his belly felt warm. The smell of boot polish. Being back to back on a battle field. A red-headed nurse. Deep masculine laughter. Swing music. Coffee with milk and two sugars. Stevie laughing and calling him a jerk.

They were good memories. Bucky forced himself to breathe slower. They were all memories worth having. He wiped the tears and snot from his face.  

“Get your shit together.” He told himself. “You are Bucky Barnes. Not some soulless fucking asset. You’re not a tool. You’re a person. You just need time to figure it all out. Get your ass up, change clothes, blend in, don’t get caught.”

Bucky followed his own orders. Cleaning up and changing into street clothes, he figured he’d need food and another form of transportation soon. Time to disappear.

It was beginning to get dark when Mattie Williams and Jack, her dog, made it to the cabin. It was tucked along the barrier to a state park. She would usually leave her car in the park and hike in. There were no real roads leading to the cabin, just a trails and one old logging road. Getting in with a vehicle took work. It was perfect. No one knew where she went. No one could track her.

Jack’s ears perked up as he approached the cabin. His tail went stiff. Without question, Mattie slipped her backpack off and dropped it on the wet ground. She pulled the pistol from the holster beneath her jacket. Aiming in the direction of Jack’s eye line, she tapped his back and he edged forward. Coming out of the tree line as silently as possible and hoping the light rain covered what little noise they made, she followed her well-trained dog. The cabin door was open.

She could barely see the outline of a man standing in the one room cabin, looking in the cupboards. Jack’s eyes were locked on him. He was alone. Good.

Mattie slipped closer to the door, gun held ready. “I don’t want to shoot you if you’re just hungry.” The man froze. “But I better like your answer, because out here I can kill you and no one will be the wiser.”

He turned, fierce blue eyes glaring at her from beneath long brown hair. He took one step. The dog took two, teeth bared and growling. He looked to the dog, then back at Mattie - really seeing this time. His shoulders lowered and he brought his hands in front of him in surrender.

“Better.” Mattie did not change her stance. “Best start talking. What are you doing here?”

“I didn’t think anyone was here. The place looked cleared out for the season. I was just hoping for a spot to sleep that was dry.” He spoke softly. His right hand dropped, palm up. “I’ll just leave.”

Jack padded forward, sniffing his hand. He pushed his muzzle in more, stepping closer. His ears relaxed, and tail swayed. He licked the offered hand and looked back at Mattie with a full toothy dog smile.

“Hmm.” Mattie lowered her weapon. She clicked the safety back on, but did not put it away. “Well, you past the first test. Jack.” She called and the dog came around to sit at attention on her left.

“You just going to think I’m okay because your dog licked me?”  

“I trust Jack’s judgement in regards to people better than any human I know. He’s never done me wrong. Still doesn’t change the fact that you don’t look like a hiker. You’re not someone who’s living on the streets. You wouldn’t be out here.”

He stared hard at the floor. “I should go.”

Mattie heard the rain start to hit the tin roof with great ferocity. It was a forty-minute hike to the nearest park station and miles to the nearest road. “You hungry?”

He glanced up, question pulling his brows together. Then he nodded.

“Okay, there’s a woodpile around the side. Bring some in, and I’ll go get my pack.” Mattie walked out in the rain, wondering what the hell she was doing. Crouching beside her things, making sure everything was secure, Jack snuggled close. “You think he’s okay, huh, buddy? Yeah, I wonder if he’s a kindred spirit, too.” She scratched his ears. “But warn me if I’m being stupid just because he’s hot as hell, okay?”

Jack woofed and spun around. Mattie laughed.

When she stepped back inside, shaking the rain off her hair, the stranger was loading wood into the old cast iron stove. At least he knew what he was doing. She took a cleansing breath and slipped the gun back into its holster.  

“What do you say we start over?” She dropped the heavy pack on the table. “Hi. I’m Mattie. You look like you could use a hot meal.” She extended a hand.

He stood, wiping his gloved hands on his jeans. He shook her hand, still serious and reserved. “Bucky. I’m sorry to intrude.”

Bucky waited for her to show some sort of recognition. He wasn’t sure, but his face had to be on the news somewhere. He’d read that all of Hydra’s secrets had been dropped onto the internet. Surely, they were looking for him by now. It had been three weeks since the battle in DC. Instead, the attractive petite brunette smiled up at him with welcoming big brown eyes.  

“Pleasure to meet you.”

She had him get the fire going as she pulled packages of supplies out of her backpack. Jack circled the cabin, checking on them both. Bucky watched her open a storage area under a bench seat loaded with home canned goods, explaining why there were only dishes and pots in the cupboards. Before long a big cast iron pot of stew bubbled on the stove.

The rain created a steady clatter on the roof, but the cabin remained dry and warm. Still, Bucky stay bundled in his coat and gloves. Mattie offered him a cup of coffee, “Make yourself at home, Bucky. You’ve got to be sweating under all that.”

His left hand clenched. “I’m fine, ma’am.”

“Don’t do that, please.” She laughed lightly and slid into the seat across from him. “Just Mattie, okay?”

He nodded, sipping the coffee. Silence stretched out as she studied him closely. Bucky tried not squirm or rile against the close examination. He tried to remember he was a guest. “Thanks for let me stay.”

“Thank Jack.” She gave him a half smile. “So, what are you running from?”

Bucky went completely still.

Mattie casually got up and refilled their coffee mugs. “It’s just a guess, but you’ve got the same sort of tension I’ve seen in the mirror for the last six years. Alone. Alert. Off the grid. Running.”

He chewed his lip. “It’s better that you don’t know.”

“But someone’s after you?”

A single nod.

“Because of something you’ve done or something you know?” Mattie nervously picked at a chip in her mug.

“Both.”

“Are you armed?” Her brown eye locked with his blue.

“Yes.” He didn’t flinch.

“So, how is this going to work? Are we going to hold up here in an uneasy truce, or are we going to see if we can trust each other?” Mattie truly hoped they could trust each other. She’d been longing to have some to talk to, much less someone who looked like they could take care of whatever happened to be thrown at them.

Bucky desperately wanted to give in, wanted to take the opportunity to unburden himself of everything his mind had churned up in recent weeks. Fearing that once he started he would not stop, he held his tongue. Besides, she was kind and he did not want to bring her any more trouble. “I don’t know.”

“Alright,” Mattie pushed herself up. “Food should be hot.”

In silence, they dished up bowls of stew and ate slowly. The food was hot, tasty and filling. Mattie, gestured with her spoon for Bucky to help himself to more when he emptied his dish. Mattie rinsed her bowl and fixed Jack his food while Bucky ate his second helping.

She watched her dog munch away, and then just couldn’t stop herself. “I’ve had him for four years. Best decision I ever made. He’s smart, well trained, and great company. I can sleep if he’s with me. Before then, I never really slept. Every little noise would jerk me wide awake. Then I’d go until exhaustion got the better of me, and I slept too deep so the nightmares would come with a vengeance.”

Bucky held still, just listening. Afraid to break the spell, not wanting her to stop but not knowing what to say.

Mattie came over and picked up Bucky’s empty dish. Her hand rested on his shoulder and she squeezed. The sensation felt foreign and yet familiar. He closed his eyes against sudden and confusing emotions. “I promise I won’t do anything to bring you harm, and Jack will know if anything comes close before we will. Tonight, sleep hard and for as long as you want.”

Bucky didn’t trust his voice, nodding.  

After doing the dishes, Mattie pulled on her jacket and took Jack out. She must have stayed on the porch because only the dog was soaked. As Bucky watched her towel him off, he considered what he could share and still keep her safe.

“I may have nightmares.” He stood nearby, hands buried in his jeans pockets. He’d removed his jacket and gloves, leaving him in the long sleeve hoodie.

“It’s okay. Me, too.”

“I want to tell you, but knowing is dangerous.”

Mattie suddenly looked very tired, “That’s what got me into this mess to begin with. Who ever thought the saying ‘ignorance is bliss’ would be so damn true?”

“Don’t know about that. Not knowing is just as bad.” Bucky frowned, think about all the lost time, all the lost memories, the chair and painful wipes.

“Were you military?” Mattie unzipped her boots and crawled onto the armchair, feet tucked beneath her.

“Not for years.” Bucky shook his head, sitting across from her on the small old sofa. Jack jumped up and put his head in his lap.  

Mattie immediately noticed his left hand and made no secret of it. “Well, that’s some next level shit.”

He flexed his hand, “Um, yeah. I suppose.”

“Secret Service, CIA or something?”

“No.” His rubbed the dog’s head.

“S.H.I.E.L.D.?”

Bucky’s head snapped up in surprise. But he slowly shook his head.

“No? Hydra?”

“Stop.”

Mattie swallowed. Hard.  

Bucky waited. She would tell him to leave. He berated himself for allowing her to go on. This was a stupid idea.  

“Well, if you’re running from those bastards, we have more in common than you may think.” Mattie stood up, going to a cabinet and pulling out a bottle of whiskey. She took a swig straight from the bottle as she walked over. She held it out. He took belt off the bottle and gave it back.  

She folded herself back into her chair. Mattie studied the light playing on the amber liquid for a moment before taking another drink. “I stumbled on to the wrong thing at the wrong time. It cost me everything. Those cockroaches have long memories, and I’ve been hiding ever since.”

He nodded in agreement, but she wasn’t looking at him. Her sight drifted off into the distant past.  

“I was nurse once, working on humanitarian program in South America. We treating kids with birth defects – everything from cleft palates to heart valve repairs. Something happened, a battle of some sort, and our little hospital was overrun by these people. Hydra, I later found out. They had their own people to take care of and apparently the little ones were taking up needed resources.” Mattie took a large swallow of the whiskey. “Some of us were necessary, some were not. The patients, the babies and their families, were just in the way. They ordered everyone . . . neutralized.”  

Mattie fought to push back the memories of the killings. The Hydra doctors ordering some of the children to be taken for experiments and the screams for the days that followed crept into her consciousness.

“But you escaped.” Bucky felt a little sick. Of all the assassinations he remembered, he thankfully did not recall any children.

“Barely, with one of the hospital workers who sometimes smuggled for a cartel. I really don’t know how I survived that first couple weeks. I learned really quickly how many eyes there are in any given city. I started patching up wounded gang members that couldn’t go to an ER. My skills came in handy. I started trading medical services for instruction on anything that would help me survive.”

She took a final swig off the bottle of whiskey before standing and offering it to Bucky. “That’s my story, glossing over some of the details, of course. It’s been sixteen months without them catching my scent.”

He took the bottle and drank down a hearty mouthful, even though the alcohol did nothing to his serum enhanced system. The burn reminded him he was still human. Bucky watched Jack get up to stretch as Mattie put the whiskey away.

“What do know about Hydra?” He asked, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees.

“A lot more now than I did a month ago.” She admitted. “They are a lot more powerful than I ever imagined. I spent a few unbelievable days digging through the data dumped online. Made my problems seem so unbelievably small.”

“Did you,” he took a deep breath, “see anything about me?”

“I definitely don’t remember reading about anyone with the name Bucky, and I don’t think I saw any pictures of you.” Mattie frowned, an ugly realization settling in. “You’re not just running from them. You worked for them.”

“Not willingly.” He ground out through clenched teeth.

“What did they have on you?” She asked, carefully moving to sit on the opposite side of the sofa from him.

“It wasn’t like that.” He hung his head.

“They fucked with your mind. Oh god.” Mattie breathed. She’d read about the technology after the files were dumped. She’d dug straight into the medical experiments Hydra performed. A morbid need filled her to understand the depravity of it, even though she held no power to stop it yet. “Didn’t they?”

His hands clenched together. Eyes locked shut. Conflict raged in his mind. He wanted to run out the door and get as far away as possible. He wanted to crumble onto the floor and tell her everything. He needed to go. This was dangerous.

Then Bucky felt her small hand rest on the back of his head. He released the breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. Mattie barely heard him whisper, “They destroyed it.”

Bucky honestly could not remember last time anyone touched him with kindness, but he found himself leaning into the shoulder of this kind-hearted woman, who had every reason to not trust him. Yet, her arms wrapped around his shoulders and fingers caressed his hair as if comforting a child. He breathed in the clean, distinctly feminine scent of her. He committed every sensation to memory.

Mattie held him, heart breaking for this stranger. She could tell this simple comfort, this simple touch, surprised him. How long had it been? He leaned against her, but did not cling or grope. Mattie found herself squeezing him tighter.

“I’m so sorry. Do you want to tell me what happened?” She asked, stroking his hair.

He exhaled, warm breath tickling across her neck. He did not want to move, so he remained in her embrace. Although he knew he should not say anything, he wanted to. “They wiped my mind. They stole my memories. They made me their asset. They made my compliant.”

Mattie knew she did not fully comprehend the extensiveness of his confession, but she’d read enough to know it had to be a hundred times worse than her imagination could fathom. Her throat tightened. “But you got away.”  

She felt him nodded. Hesitantly, his arms encircled her waist. They remained that way for a while, just absorbing the strength from each other’s presence. Bucky chuckled when a wet nose nudged between them. Mattie’s light laughter joined him and she scratched Jack’s ears. “Someone wants in on the group hug.”

Bucky sat back. “I don’t know why you are being so nice to me, but I don’t know how to thank you enough.”

“I’m sure I’ll think of something.” Mattie joked with a wink as she retreated to throw another piece of wood into the stove.

The moment gone, they settled in for the night. Bucky insisted upon sleeping on the little sofa, although his legs hung over the edge. Jack jumped up on the bed with Mattie, curling against her back. The steady clatter of rain and warm crackling of the fire surrounded them as they both dozes off.

Jack woke Mattie with a wet nose. She jerked, instantly aware. Jack whined and padded to Bucky’s side. She approached slowly, watching his face contort in pain. Mattie fought the urge to smooth the furrow from his brow, but knew that he would likely lash out.

“Bucky.” She spoke kindly but loud enough to hopefully wake him. “Bucky, wake up.”

He began to curl up, defensively, growling and grunting in his sleep as if fighting against something holding him down. The more she spoke his name, the more he thrashed. His left arm swung out, metal breaking through the wood of the coffee table. Jack barked.

Bucky sat up straight, eyes wild.  

“Bucky?”  

“I…” he looked around wildly before knotting his hands in his hair, burying his head into his knees. “Sorry. Nightmare. Sorry, I woke you.”

“It’s okay.” She sat closer to him touching his head, feeling how tightly his fingers were clenched in his hair. “They’re nightmares. Memories. Not real. You’re here and you’re safe. For now, tonight, you’re safe.”

Bucky released the hold on his head, lolling toward her lap. The feel of her warm hands on the back of his neck and her fingers in his hair practically drew a whimper from his chest. He pushed up, elbows on knees, and tried to lift his head. He pushed away the grip of the nightmare.

She stood, taking him by the arm. “Come on.”  

“What?”

Mattie just pulled him along with her to the bed. He shook his head, but still followed. “I don’t want to hurt you. Look what I did to the table.”  

She ignored his words, and just crawled on the bed and held up the quilt for him. Bucky sighed and lay down beside her. When she rolled over, he spooned up behind her on instinct. Mattie yawned and buried herself deeper into the covers. Her fingertips stroked the skin of his forearm.  

Bucky closed his eyes, allowing the scent and sensation to lull him back toward sleep. A part of his mind still spun, alert and fearful. He now felt different, particularly holding this woman in his arms. It was an old feeling, the urge to be a protector instead of a creature of destructions. Feelings that still felt confusing and long forgotten stirred in his chest.

He felt Jack jump up on the bed and settle atop the covers behind his knees. Two weeks ago, the thought of being sandwiched like this would be terrifying. However, this felt warm and safe. Bucky breathed in the scent of her hair. He felt the rise and fall of her chest. Her bare toes found the exposed flesh of his ankle between his sweats and sock.  

Waves of emotions, long forgotten, rolled over him. He battled to keep his breath steady, trying desperately not to panic from it all. Bucky wanted to enjoy this. He needed it. Still he felt the urge to run from the feelings, from the pain the memories, from the ache behind his eye. Bucky felt guilt for bringing trouble to this wonderful woman, but he did not want to let her go. He feared hurt her, and still wanted to crush her to him with all his strength. Part of him wanted to weep.

Mattie sighed, she rolled over in his arms. She did not look up at him, but wrapped her arms around him and buried her face into his neck. “It’s okay.”

Bucky squeezed her tighter, feeling her soft hair against his face. He couldn’t breathe.

Her hands rubbed his back and shoulders. He froze. She did not stop at the raise scars where flesh met metal, she continued and murmured words of comfort. Bucky’s fingers knotted in her night shirt. Mattie felt his muscles begin to let go, allowing him to breathe. She didn’t need to see or hear the hot tears that slipped into her hair.

Sleep must have overtaken him, because Bucky awoke to the feeling of Mattie jerk in his arms. He looked down, through the dark seeing her face crumple in her sleep. A quiet whine and a shift at the foot of the bed brought his attention to Jack. “It’s okay, boy.”

He swept the hair away from her face. “Mattie.” He spoke low and calm. “Doll, wake up.”

It took a few more tries, but her eyes flew open. She didn’t thrash out or make a noise. Tears filled her eyes and spilled down her cheeks. She stared at Bucky for a moment before touching the hand that held her face. “I’m alight.”

She sat up and looked at her watch on the bedside table. It was still the middle of the night. Bucky watched as she got up and put another piece of wood in the stove. Tears continued to flow down her face. She made no move to wipe them away, made no apologies.

When Mattie climbed back under the quilts with him, Bucky wiped away some of the wetness with his thumb. He surprised himself by asking. “Do you want to talk about it?”

They lay there in the dark, faces close and legs wound together, quietly sharing their nightmares. Neither backed away from the other’s terror or judged the other’s fear. Bucky found he could talk about his nightmares. They weren’t real even if they were born from memories. He could discuss the memories that came back to him in dreams. The conflict of his conditioning didn’t plague him as they spoke into the night.  

Mattie awoke slowly, aware of the solid warm body curled around her. Soft lips and the tip of a wet tongue languidly rubbed along the back of her neck, behind her ear. A large hand supported one of her breasts, under her shirt. Clearer thought formed in her head, and she could feel the very hard erection pressed into the curve of her ass.

She could only marvel at what a wonderful way it was to wake up. Her heart rate picked up. She laid there, lazily, unsure if Bucky was really awake. Mattie pushed the logical part of her brain aside. This man may be dangerous, he may be broken, but he was strong and he understood something of what she’d been through. He made her feel safe. He felt amazing.

Bucky froze.  

Mattie slipped her hand up to cover his where he held her breast. She nuzzled her neck closer to him. Bucky’s mouth kissed her neck again and she hummed in delight. He moved his hand to rest on her waist. The puffs of his breath in her hair tickled her ear.

“Doll, I...” He didn’t know what to say. Should he apologize? He wasn’t sorry. Should he say he wanted her? That he wasn’t sure what was happening?

Mattie rolled over and took his face in her hands. “What do you want?”

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

She smoothed back his hair, smiling. “Thank you for that, but what do you want?”

Unable to resist, Bucky covered her mouth with his own. It was a soft, chaste kiss that carried more emotion than heat. He touched his forehead to hers, closing his eyes. His lips brushed the corner of her mouth again. “I don’t want to take advantage.”

Mattie actually giggled. He smiled at the sound, still keeping his eyes closed. He felt her kiss along his jaw and it made him ache. “Bucky, do you want me?”

He still her hands with his own. When their eyes locked, both were blown wide with passion. “I do, Mattie. I do, but I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Hurt me how?” She asked. “I’m not expecting anything-”

“No, Doll.” Bucky kissed her fingers. “I’m afraid of physically hurting you.” Confusion crossed her beautiful features. He sighed. “I haven’t - I don’t remember the last time – I was with a woman. I have a hard time keeping my mind my own. I’m worried that I could lose – that I wouldn’t be able to stop – that I couldn’t control myself and get – rough.”

Mattie slowly nodded her head, biting her lip. “After what you told me last night, I can understand. But Bucky, while you were sleeping just now you weren’t violent. If anything, you made me feel safe. We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, but I’m not afraid of being hurt by you.”

Bucky studied her, taking in the chocolate of her eyes and curve of her face. He believed her. The Universe should be beating him against jagged rocks for the things he’d done, and yet somehow, he’d found this calm harbor. Somehow, this amazing woman appeared like a balm against his weary soul.  

His lips found hers again, gentle and searching. As their kiss deepened, he swallowed the whimper escaping her throat. She needed this just as much. Bucky kissed and nipped his way from her jaw to just beneath her ear. Her hands raked up his side, pushing his shirt higher. He involuntarily flinched. She stopped, but he nuzzled closer.

“Don’t stop.”  

Mattie pulled at his clothes, tossing the shirt to the floor. She leaned over him, admiring the thick muscles and feeling his warm skin. She felt a pang in her heart for all the scars. He let out a shaky breath as her mouth trailed all the evidence of his pain as if she could kiss it away. When her tongue laved over his stomach, his hips involuntarily rocked forward.

“Fuck, Doll...”  

Mattie crawled up his body, mouth wet and hair mussed. Bucky kissed her thoroughly, a gnashing of tongues and teeth, and she met his vigor with her own. Her leg swung over his hips and he moaned into her mouth when she sat back against him. He could feel her heat through their sweats as she rubbed against his length.  

She sat up and tossed her shirt aside. Bucky’s mind went blank for a moment as he took in this amazing woman. His hand moved of their own accord, desperate to feel the soft flesh, the firm weight, of her breasts. Her hair fell down her back in a mass. A flush tinted her delicate skin. Most alluringly, a sultry wicked grin danced across her lips.

“You are gorgeous.” Her nails trailed down his chest and she bit her lip.

Bucky sat up, wrapping her in his arms. “No. But you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”  His mouth found hers again as he rolled them over. He took one hardened nipple into his mouth, fingers toying with other. Her nails scraped along his scalp and tugged at his hair. He wanted to devour her, touching and tasting everywhere.

As he reached the waist of her sweats, she lifted her hips in an eager attempt to be rid of the barrier. His mouth nipped at her hip, licked across to her inner thigh. Mattie’s legs opened wider of their own accord. The scent of her filled his head and he groaned. His fingers slipped through her folds, already slippery and wet for him.

He looked up, locking eyes with her as he leaned forward and lapped at her dripping cunt. The intensity in his blue eye while his face buried between her legs was the hottest thing she’d seen. It ripped the breath from her. “Holy shit.”  

His tongue stiffened and flicked at clit. He sucked it in his hot mouth. First one, then two, strong fingers entered her. His strokes firm, curling as he felt her moan on the perfect spot. He hummed and groaned the most divine sounds, like he was in heaven. If this was out of practice for the man, Mattie was sure that Bucky at the top of his game would kill her.

The tension wound tighter and Mattie breathed deeper, not fighting it, not forcing it. She watched Bucky, listened to him. Drowned in the sensations. A warm flush filled her. “Oh god, Bucky, fuck. I’m about to. . .”

The pressure and the pace of his fingers increase and he sucked harder with a growl. Mattie came apart, flooding over his hand, being licked up by his tongue, shaking under his touch.  

Her hand wound into his hair as he feathered kisses over her belly, a giant smile on his sex soaked face. “Come up here and kiss me.” She demanded. Their mouths clashed together, heated and desperate. Mattie’s hand reach inside his sweats, wrapping as best she could around his thick cock. He growled into her mouth and she giggled.

“Get naked.”

Bucky flopped onto his back, kicking off his sweats. Before he could move, Mattie settled herself between his knees. She massaged her hands into his strong thick thighs. Kissing along his hips, feeling her way closer. She pushed her hair over one shoulder and took his cock by the base. He watched her, open mouthed, as she ran her tongue from base to tip before taking him in her mouth completely.

“Fuck.” He groaned out a slow breath.

She began to fuck him thoroughly with her mouth, toying with her tongue and hollowing her cheeks, he knotted his fists into the sheets. Bucky desperately wanted to take her by the hair, wanted more, want to slam his dick to the back of throat and come. “Doll, you’ve got to stop.” He pulled at her “Or this will be over before it begins.”    

Mattie nipped at nipple before moving to his jaw. “But I enjoy it so much.” She whined.

“I can tell.” He massaged her ass, feeling her rub against him. “Tell me you’ve got some sort of protection, ‘cause I really want to fuck you.”

She looked him in the eye, suddenly serious. “Did you mean it when you said this stuff they gave you, the serum, keeps you from getting sick or contracting or carrying anything?”  

“Yes.”

“Well, I’m clean and I’m on the pill.”

His brows drew together. She wondered if it was more quizzical than concern.  

“I can’t get pregnant right now.”

A slow smile spread over his face, hips rocking. “Really?”

Mattie ran her tongue along his lower lip before kissing him. “Really.” She rolled her hip so just the tip of him pressed into her wet entrance.

“Sweet fucking Jesus.” Bucky’s right hand went into her hair, holding her head close his. His left took her by the hip and guided her down as she impaled herself upon him. She panted, moving slowly, experiencing the fullness, adjusting to him and relishing in the feeling.  

He kissed her again as she rocked, moving more. Blood rushed through her veins. Breathing each other in, kisses wet and messy, his nose rubbed again her smooth skin. She bit his lip, pulled at his hair. His metal fingers dug into her hip, her ass.  

It felt amazing, but not enough. Bucky flipped her over hiking her knees up over his forearms and sank himself deep into her, hard and fast. Mattie cried out. “God!” He froze. Did he hurt her? Her hands clenched his shoulders, nails scraped up into his hair. “Fuck me! Hard, Bucky, fuck me hard.”  

He slammed into her, causing the bed to creak. Mattie’s breath rushed from her body. Her body pliant and alive under his. She felt like the waves of near pain and exquisite pleasure would drown her. All she could do was hold on for the ride.  

Bucky would not last, it had been so long. He wanted this so bad. He released her legs, and brought his own knees up, angling her hips. Mattie began to make delightful mewing noises. He nipped at her inner wrist, tasting her pulse. His right hand kneaded her tit, pulling at the over sensitive nipple.  He was fighting to hold it together. She began to quiver in his arms. Their eyes were locked until her eyes rolled back as her body clamped around his cock, flooding over him, hot and wet. He plummeted over the edge in violent releasing, leaving him breathless.

They lay there, wrapped around each other, smelling of sweat and sex. Neither wanting to move. Neither wanting the rain to stop or the moment to end.

Bucky’s eyes drifted open at the sound of water running. Maggie stood at the sink filling a large kettle, wearing nothing but an oversized red flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up. The back of her hair was a mass of tangles.  The rain had stopped. Jack lifted his head up from the foot of the bed to look at him.  

“Hey Doll,” he muttered, voice thick with sleep. “Whatcha doing?”

“No hot water here. I’m just heating some up for a bath.” She cocked an eyebrow as she glanced over her shoulder at him. “Unless you want to take a cold shower?”

He gave her a surprisingly easy chuckle. “I’m used to those. How about we just get dirty again?”

Mattie laughed, continuing her task. Muted sunlight filtered into the cabin, an early morning sun fighting to break through thick clouds. A kettle whistled on the stove and she set it aside to add the other. He watched her move about with easy. She had great legs.  

“Come ‘ere.”

She crawled under the warmth of the quilt, giggling when he rolled her over and pinned her down with his body. His mouth covered her smile with a lazy kiss. The tip of her tongue traced the curve of his full lips, drawing rumble from his chest.  

“How the hell did I manage to get so lucky?” Bucky nipped at her ear. “This time yesterday, I thought for sure I was in for a bum rap.”

Mattie giggled. His body felt amazing, solid and hot. His scruff rubbed along her neck as those sinful lips kissed under her ear. Bucky laughed low against her skin as Jack belly crawled over the blankets and on top of the two of them.  

The dog whined.  

“He’s either jealous or needs to go out.” Mattie giggled.

Bucky adored the sound. Jack barked. “Out it is.”

He rolled off of her and she got up to open the cabin door.  He watched her as she stood in the open door. Dark worries, images of this kind woman being shot down from the woods for nothing more than harboring him filled his mind. Standing there, in the morning light looking beautiful and relaxed, she would make such an easy target.  

Leaving would be the right thing to do.  

“What it is?” Mattie asked, concern etched over her features.  

He’d been too lost in thought to notice her stare. Bucky shook his head, frowning hard. He should get dressed and go. Still, moving seemed impossible.  

She shut the door when Jack came back in. She moved the second kettle off the direct heat on her way to sit beside him. Mattie touched his bearded cheek, ran her fingers through his hair.  “What just happened?” Bucky locked his eyes closed, shaking his head. He couldn’t admit to the images of her bloody form in the doorway. “Please. Something went through your mind. Did you remember something?”

“No.” He held her palm to his face, eyes still closed. “I just. This is dangerous. Bad things could happen.”  

“Oh, Bucky.” She pressed her lips to the furrow in his brow. “Yes. This is dangerous.”

His eye opened to get lost in her sincere gaze.  

“Dangerous. But everything about my life is. This,” She kissed him softly, “is a gift. I’m not fool enough to think this could be ‘ever after’ and I know that the longer we’re in each other’s company the better chance the people after you and the people after me may stumble over each other. But for now, for just a few quiet days, let’s enjoy the time we have. Please.”

Bucky tasted her lips. Mattie kissed him back, thoroughly. It was slow, wet, lazy. He pulled her down beside him, hands touching her reverently. She responded to each caress with little moans and mews.  He lifted the flannel shirt off her. She wrapped herself around him, urging him further, pushing the dark thoughts away.

He went slow, taking his time, drinking her in, savoring every sensation.  Mattie moaned deep, knotting her hands in his hair, when he slipped into her. She was wet and wanting, loving the feel of his weight, the touch of their bodies. They moved together, tasting, touching, staring into each other eyes.

The orgasm caused Mattie’s very core to quiver, every intense sensation washing over her at once. She buried her face into his neck and felt tears in her eyes. Bucky held her tight, wanting to drown in her. His own release followed shortly after. He kissed the sweat off her brow, but did not want to move out of her.  

“Don’t move.” Mattie pleaded. “Not yet.”

“I’m too heavy.” He smiled against her skin.

“You’re perfect.” She breathed.

As their bodies cooled, Bucky rolled off of her, but still held her close. When she began to pull away, he took her hand. “I’m going to set up the bath.” She explained.

Bucky heard water running in the bathroom. Then watched her fetch the kettles. Mattie moved about, comfortable in her nudity. She drew him from the bed and into a deep, wide copper tub. The water was hot, but not scalding and he knew it would cool soon.

“You’re going to join me, aren’t you?” He sat up and made space between his legs. “There’s room.”

“Yes.”

She took his hand and slipped down in front of him. Bucky lathered up a wash cloth and gently cleaned her body. “I need to move on soon.”

“I know.” Mattie laid back against his chest. “Stay just another day or two. I can go into town, get you supplies. It wouldn’t take long.”

Bucky considered for a while, stroking her skin with his fingertips. Mattie took his left hand into hers, carefully examining the metal digits that brought her such pleasure.  

“I will go tomorrow night.” Bucky said at last. “It’s not safe for me – or you – if I stay in one place any longer.”

“Then today I’ll head into town. What will you need?”

“You don’t have to -”  

“I know I don’t have to,” Mattie flicked water in his face with a giggle. “But I’m going to.”

He laughed, wrapping his arms around her. “Fine. Food. A new burner phone, too.”

When Mattie and Jack walked into the woods, Bucky grabbed an energy bar and a bottle of water. He wondered a ways from the tree line until he came to the hiding spot of the cross over motorcycle he’d stolen. He checked his supplies. Nothing had been disturbed. Bucky climbed up into the branches of a nearby tree, finding a location with a good view of the cabin and the direction Mattie disappeared. Resting a gun in his lap, Bucky waited.

Mattie made it to her car much quicker without the rain. The drive into the nearest town didn’t take long. Jack stuck his nose out the window along the way, enjoying the wind. She swung into a super store on the outskirts of town to do some shopping.  

After, she picked up a coffee and surfed the internet on the burner phone she’d picked up for herself.  

Googling ‘Bucky Barnes’, the very first entry was from the Smithsonian. Mattie read, hand over her mouth. Page after page, told of the WWII heroes and their fight. She read about the only member of the Howling Commandos to die, James ‘Bucky’ Barnes. She stared at the black and white photos, knowing just how blue those eyes were in real life.  

“Well, Jack.” She scratched her dog’s head. “Now all the old slang makes sense.”

On the hike back, she wondered how much he knew about himself. Bucky said he’d lost his memory. Hydra scrambled his mind. What else did they do to him? How was he still alive, and she smiled to herself, very virile. One thing Mattie was certain of, he was important. For heaven’s sake, the site called him ‘Captain America’s oldest and dearest friend’. Good side or bad, people were going to be desperate to find him.  

She made it back to the cabin to find it empty. Damn. Mattie dropped her pack on the table.

Footsteps, heavier than necessary, came onto the porch. Jack stood at the door with his tail wagging.  

Mattie rushed to the door and threw it open. “For a second there I thought you skipped out on me.”

Bucky ran his hand through his hair. “No, Doll. Just looking around.” She smiled brightly and grabbed the front of his shirt to pull him in for a kiss. “Nice to see you too.”  

“I’ve gotten you something, and um, we need to talk.” She led him inside.  

Mattie handed him a beer, still cool from her pack. He cracked it open and thanked her. “Okay, here’s travel food and that phone you wanted. I also got you this.”  

Bucky took the medical supply box with a questioning look.  

“It’s a sterile dressing for people healing from burns. It only goes to the elbow, but the it will cover your hand and forearm. A bandage is far less noticeable than the metal. It won’t be as conspicuous as a single glove either.” Mattie opened her own beer and sat down beside him.  

“Great idea. Thank you.” Bucky took the dressing out, examining the flesh tone nylon.  

“Bucky, do you remember the war?” She asked quietly.

Disjointed flashes of bombed out buildings and heavy wet wool uniforms and heavy rifles filled his mind. “I don’t know.”

“What about Captain America? Do you remember Captain Rogers?”

Bucky’s hand shot out grabbing her wrist painfully. He growled. “What?”  

“Honey, ease up you’re hurting me.” Mattie said her voice flat, body still. His eyes widen and he snatched his hand away. “I did a little digging on the internet. Not much, but you two go way back. They two of you have a real history. He was your best friend once – ages ago, before World War II. Bucky, how is that possible?”

She watched a dozen emotions dance through his eyes. Finally, he looked at her sad and lost. “I don’t know what I remember. It’s all jumbled. I just see moments, flashes of people or things or places. It doesn’t make any sense.”

“He’s an Avenger now. He knows Tony Stark. If there’s anyone who get you the best help possible -”

“No.” Bucky clinched his fists. “I would be turned over to the authorities. I’ve done things. People will want me dead. Or worse, I’ll be their lab rat.”

Mattie’s heart broke at the pain and self-loathing in his voice. Her fingers ran through his hair. She couldn’t seem to stop herself from touching him. But he leaned into it, quietly accepting the comfort. “Okay. You figure it out your way. You should know, in the American History Museum in DC, there’s an exhibit. It’s all about your heroic time in the war."

Bucky’s eyes snapped up, mind reeling. He was in a museum, as a hero? He laced his fingers with hers, resting his forehead to their entwined hands. He wanted to remember.  

“I got you something else.” She pulled out a brown leather journal with a pen in the clasp. “If your memories are coming in bits and pieces, then maybe writing them all down will help you put it all together. I know I wrote in journals to keep my head on straight when I was first running. Got it all out, you know. I couldn’t talk to anybody about it, so it went on the page.”

“I don’t know that I’m much of writer.” Bucky picked up the journal and flipped through the blank pages.

“No one will see it but you. Who cares? Hell, just make lists if that helps.” She smiled.

“Why?”

“Why journal?”

“No, why are you doing all of this? I don’t deserve it.”  

Mattie giggled. “Well, when else will I ever get the chance to have a bonafide national hero in my bed?”  

Bucky rolled his eyes, but grabbed her and pulled her on his lap. He nipped at her neck. “I’m no hero.”

“Super-hot hundred-year-old dude, then?” She giggled harder.

“Doll.” He tweaked her nipple through her bra. “You calling me old?”

“I’m just saying-”

Bucky stalled her words with his tongue. She moaned into him. His hand slipped up under her shirt. Mattie trailed her mouth along his sharp jaw to nip at his ear, earning a growl from his chest. He stood, depositing her on the table. He pulled his shirt over his head as Mattie began toss away her clothes.  

Helping her pull her jeans off, Bucky dropped to his knees before her. He lifted her leg over his shoulder before spreading her legs wide, unabashedly marveling at her glistening sex.  His cool metal fingers tracing through her folds, as he nipped his way along her inner thigh. Mattie leaned back on both hands as his mouth covered her.

Bucky’s licks and sucks became more fevered. Her moans failing to drown out his wet slurping and satisfied growls. His fingers slid in and out of her quivering cunt, pressing deliciously on sensitive flesh. Mattie’s hand wound in his hair tight. “Oh, holy shit!”

He suddenly stood, jeans down, and rammed himself deep in one trust. Mattie cried out. Bucky dug his fingers into her hips, pounding into her hard. “Yes, Doll.” Bucky growled. “Squirt all over my cock.”  

She did, coming hard and soaking him. He didn’t wait for her to recover, but flipped her over belly down on the table, ramming into her again. His left hand pressed into her lower back, his right took a handful of her hair. Mattied cried out. “Fuck yes!”

Spurred on, Bucky pulled her head back, biting down on the back of her neck. Mattie’s second orgasm hit her completely by surprise. Her legs shook and her body spasmed. Bucky held her up, unrelenting. “Shit, Baby. So fucking good.” Words tumbled from his mouth.  

He lifted her leg onto the chair, letting him go deeper, crashing against her wall. The sounds coming from her whipped him into a fever. So hot. Yes, she moaned, always letting him go on, lost in the heady smell of sex and nerves on fire.  

Bucky almost lost it when she looked over her shoulder, eyes heavy, panting and giving him the sexiest, wicked smile he’d ever seem. She shook, her mouth fell open. He felt her clench his cock. “Oh god! Fuck yes!” She whined. Gripped hard, he fucked her rough, losing his rhythm as he came just after her.

Mattie lay face down on the table, shaking, panting for a moment. He turned her over to hold in his arms with gentle hands, but her knees buckled. He held her flush against him. She giggled, love drunk.

“You okay, sweetheart?” Bucky nuzzled his nose into her hair.

“Way better than okay. Amazing. Gimme a minute, though, I can’t seem to find my legs.” She kissed his chest.  

He laughed, an easy and honest chuckle, erupting from his chest. “I’ve got you.” Bucky swept her up in his arms and kicked the jeans off his ankle. He carried over to the bed, lying her down and crawling up beside her. He rained gentle kisses across her neck and chest, over her breast and to her belly.

She felt boneless, completely relaxed.  

“Mattie,” Bucky whispered, somewhat strangled.

She lifted her head to look down where he ghosted his fingers over her hips. A deep frown marred his beautiful face.  

“Doll, why didn’t you say I was hurting you? These bruises are already showing.”

“Oh, Bucky.” She pulled at him until his face was close to hers. “I’m fine. You didn’t hurt me. Not really. Besides, if you would have stopped – I may have had to hurt you.” She smiled brightly.

“But,”  

She cut off his words with a kiss. “No. No ‘buts’. That was amazing and intense and I wouldn’t have it any other way. You’re so fucking good. I feel incredible.”

Bucky kissed her back, gently and full of emotion. He’d let himself be lost to the moment, to lose control. He never wished to hurt her. But here she was thanking him for it. “You are one extraordinary woman.” A lopsided grin bloomed on his face. “You’re going to be sore.”

“And every time I feel it, it will make think about you fucking me senseless.” She smiled back.

He threw his head back and laughed. Mattie curled up to him, entwining legs and getting lost in his scent. She knew it wouldn’t last, but for right now she intended to lap up everything Bucky had to offer. Sleep tugged at her, and she fought to stay awake.  

Bucky could feel her beginning to drift off and fight it. He kissed her, slow and lazy. “Don’t worry, Doll. I’ll stick around until tomorrow. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

“Good.” She mumbled, falling to sleep almost immediately.

He lay there for a while, fingers tracing slow circles on her back. He would use the journals. He would document what he remembered. He would write down the bits and pieces of his old life. He would list what he knew of his time as the Soldier and remind himself that it was not him. He was no longer in their control. He was Bucky Barnes. First, though, he would write about the woman who reminded him what it felt like to be a man again.  

Bucky thanked whatever power was out there that he stumbled across this little place in the woods.

[unendeligtid]

Did you already do prompt 2 for Davenzi 👀

Not until now! 

Also this is 2.5k someone stop me

2. “You had me really worried there, love.”

David’s sick.

He doesn’t want to admit it, but Matteo knows better.

He knows as soon as he wakes up. He can feel the abnormal heat radiating off of David’s sleeping form. When Matteo turns around, he meets his boyfriend’s pale and sweating face.

The thing is, Matteo saw this coming.

David was suspiciously quiet all of last night, claiming to be tired from work. He’d skipped dinner, something he never does, and instead crawled into bed with a pained grimace on his face. According to David, his limbs were sore from his workout the other day. Matteo knew otherwise.

And of course, David’s got a fever, and a pretty bad one from what Matteo can tell.

He rolls over properly and snuggles the side of his face into the comfortable pillow, reaching out to brush stray sweaty strands of David’s hair away from his face.

On the best of days, David is a really light sleeper, so the fact that this doesn’t wake him up worries Matteo slightly.

Matteo takes his hand back and turns over again, reaching for his phone on the bedside table.

How to calm a fever, is what he types into Google, hoping that the internet will have better advice than from what he remembers.

Take their temperature, keep them cool, keep them hydrated… Matteo reads on, letting out a sigh of relief.

He slides out of his bed as quiet as he can, sighing out in relief as it doesn’t seem to stir David at all. Quickly, he pads into the washroom, and scouring through the drawers in hopes of finding a thermometer.

No luck.

Matteo sighs. He figures he’ll head out to the pharmacy later to pick one up, as well as some fever reducers. In the meantime, he takes a clean cloth from under the sink and soak it in cool water from the tap.

When he walks back into their bedroom, David is still fast asleep. Matteo sits back down carefully on his side of the bed, wincing as it creaks slightly.

He places the cool cloth gently on David’s forehead, brushing David’s hair back so that it doesn’t get wet. David finally stirs.

“Wha-?” David mumbles tiredly, his eyelashes fluttering against his sweaty cheeks.

“You’re sick,” Matteo murmurs, attempting a voice that he hopes is soothing. “A fever, I think. I need to cool you down.”

“Cold,” David replies with a whisper, reaching down for the blanket, presumably to pull back over his shoulders.

“I know,” Matteo says, holding the blanket down with his spare hand so that David can’t move it. “But your body is boiling, you’ll feel better this way.”

“No,” David whines, swatting at Matteo’s hand on his forehead weakly.

Matteo sighs. He doesn’t care that David’s sweaty and pale and definitely a little bratty right now. He’s adorable.

“I need to head out to the pharmacy to grab you some stuff,” Matteo replies instead, placing David’s hand back down by his side. “Do you want me to get you anything while I’m there?”

David shakes his head. He’s started to shiver.

Matteo smiles. “How are you feeling?” he asks, raking his fingers through David’s mess of hair.

“Like shit,” David mumbles, his voice weak and low in his throat. “M’ head’s all spinny.”

“You nauseous?”

“Little bit,” David replies, closing his eyes tiredly. “Don’t wanna move.”

“I’ll tell you what,” Matteo says, flipping the cloth over to the other, much cooler side. “I’ll ask Hans to keep an eye on you while I head to the pharmacy, and then we can spend today doing nothing, how does that sound?”

“Okay,” David whispers, opening his eyes once more. His eyes are unfocused, looking around the room without any purpose. This isn’t good.

“Alright.” Matteo places a kiss to David’s sweaty hair, ignoring the whine that comes out of his boyfriend. “I’ll be right back.”

After a rushed trip to the pharmacy, Matteo hurries back to the flat. He doesn’t really want to leave David alone for too long, especially after having heard back from Hans that David was practically unresponsive and had fallen asleep again.

He swings open the door to his bedroom and throws the pharmacy bag onto his bed. David’s curled up on his side, dead asleep.

Normally, Matteo would find this adorable. After all, David really doesn’t sleep that deeply that often. Besides, David is just adorable in any circumstance. And while that still holds true, Matteo can’t help the pang of uneasiness that sinks down his stomach.

He sits down on the edge of the bed and places the back of his hand on David’s forehead. His boyfriend’s skin is burning underneath his touch.

“Baby,” Matteo whispers urgently, moving sweaty strands of David’s hair back. “Wake up.”

David grunts, but leans into Matteo’s touch.

“You need to wake up,” Matteo says, this time louder. “I need to take your temperature.”

David swallows thickly, but his eyes flutter open. They still have the same disoriented look to them, as if David isn’t really processing what he’s seeing.

Matteo quickly opens up the cardboard box holding the thermometer, and, after a quick skim of the instructions, uncaps the top part.

“Open your mouth,” Matteo instructs, placing his fingers delicately under David’s chin and tilting his head back slightly. “And put this under your tongue.”

David follows the instructions without argument, and Matteo places the thermometer in his mouth. After a few seconds, the thermometer beeps and Matteo takes it out to take a look at the small screen.

40°c.

Oh, that’s not good.

“Hans?” Matteo calls out, perhaps a little too loud, because David whines in protest, wincing at the loud noise. Matteo runs his fingers through David’s mess of hair to soothe him.

“Yeah?” Hans calls back from somewhere in the flat.

“Can you get me a glass of water and a cool cloth for David?”

“Of course!” Hans replies, and Matteo hears him bustling around.

“Is it bad?” David slurs, his eyes still moving rapidly back and forth.

“Yeah,” Matteo answers honestly, attempting to meet David’s gaze to no avail. “We’ll try the fever reducers that I got, though. It’ll be okay.”

Matteo isn’t sure who exactly he’s trying to convince, but he isn’t even sure if that’s true.

“Here we go,” Hans says as he bursts through the door. David flinches at the noise.

Hans hands Matteo the glass of water and the cool cloth.

“Thanks, Guru,” Matteo murmurs. Hans doesn’t even make a snide remark. Instead, he sits down on the other side of David and feels his forehead.

“Oh, my little butterfly,” Hans laments as he pulls back.

David chuckles deliriously.

“Okay,” Matteo says firmly, reaching into the pharmacy bag to grab the fever reducers. “I’m going to need you to sit up so that you can take these.”

David whines in protest, shutting his eyes. His eyelashes flutter against his sweaty cheeks.

“C’mon,” Matteo urges, grabbing onto David’s shoulder to help guide him up.

With Hans’ help, they’re able to get David into a sitting position. David leans heavily against Hans’ side, his head lolling forward dangerously.

“Baby?” Matteo asks curiously.

“M’ dizzy,” David whispers, his eyes opening again as he takes in the room.

“I know,” Matteo soothes, taking the pill out of the bottle and grabbing the side of David’s face to steady him.

David opens his mouth willingly and Matteo places the pill on his tongue. He reaches to the bedside table to grab the water, and helps David take a sip.

David winces as he swallows the water, but manages to get the pill down.

“Ow,” he murmurs, his head lolling to the side to rest on Hans’ shoulder. Hans rubs his hand soothingly on David’s back.

“It’s done now,” Matteo says softly. “You can lie down again.”

He and Hans manage to help David to lie down on his back.

“Okay,” Hans says once David is settled in. He places a kiss onto David’s sweaty forehead. “I’ll leave you to it. Let me know if you need help again.”

“Thanks,” Matteo murmurs gratefully. David echoes him quietly.

“Anything for my children!” Hans replies, ruffling Matteo’s hair before standing up and heading out the door. He closes it behind him.

“He’s nice,” David whispers, closing his eyes with a smile. Matteo places the cool cloth on David’s forehead again.

“He is,” Matteo agrees, wiping up the drop of water that falls from the cloth and down David’s face. “How are you feeling?”

“Tired,” David responds, shivering, most likely due to the cold cloth against his skin. “Need to tell Laura.”

“I’ll text her,” Matteo reassures, reaching to the bedside table to grab David’s phone. “You get some rest. The fever reducers should kick in soon.”

“Mmh.” And just like that, David’s eyes are fluttering shut, and he seems to fall asleep almost straight away.

Matteo leaves the cool cloth in its place and unlocks David’s phone, opening his WhatsApp.

Hey its matteo, he texts Laura, davids not feeling well right now, has a fever of 40, idk what i should do

Oh shit, Laura texts back almost immediately, he doesnt get sick often but usually when he does its bad. Have you given him anything?

Fever reducers, Matteo responds, and im trying to get the fever down. Is there anything else i should do?

Just keep an eye on him, Laura says, make sure he drinks water, but let him rest. If his fever doesnt go down then you might need to take him to the hospital

Fuck, Matteo texts back, i really dont want to do that, i dont want to out him to the doctors

Thats sweet, Laura replies, but he normally responds to meds just fine, you just need to wait a bit. Just keep doing what youre doing and update me if anything changes

Okay, Matteo responds, and leaves it at that.

He keeps an eye on David for the afternoon as he sleeps, making sure to replace the cool cloth whenever it gets too warm.

David sleeps like a log, but Matteo leaves him be, figuring that he probably needs the rest.

It’s only after a couple hours, when Matteo’s half-heartedly playing some random game on his laptop that he hears David’s voice again.

“Matteo?” David murmurs hoarsely. Matteo’s head whips right over to his boyfriend. David’s still pale, still shivering, but his eyes are focussed solely on Matteo. Matteo sighs in relief.

His boyfriend looks back at Matteo, and Matteo finds himself swooning all over again. Even when sick, David still manages to be just about the most gorgeous person Matteo has ever laid eyes upon.

“Hey,” Matteo responds, reaching to feel David’s forehead with gentle fingers. David leans into the touch with a small hum.

“‘Time is it?” David asks, his voice rough and hoarse.

“Like five or something.” Matteo shrugs his shoulders. He reaches to the side to grab the thermometer again. “You slept the whole day.”

“Ah shit,” David curses, leaning up onto his elbow, probably to get up and do God-knows-what. Matteo gently pushes his shoulder down.

“You aren’t going anywhere,” Matteo says with a chuckle, brushing David’s ever-messy hair out of his eyes. “Now, open your mouth.”

“That’s what he said,” David mutters under his breath, but follows the instructions anyways. Matteo places the thermometer under his tongue.

“Smartass,” Matteo giggles, rolling his eyes. The thermometer beeps, and Matteo pulls it out to take a closer look.

“38,” Matteo sighs out in relief, letting the tension drop from his shoulders. His neck aches slightly from the remnants of the leftover strain in his body. “That’s so much better. You had me really worried there, love.”

“Why?” David wonders, leaning into Matteo’s casual touches. He closes his eyes briefly and swallows thickly.

“You were at 40 this morning,” Matteo responds, placing the thermometer onto the bedside table before lying down to join David. “I was almost prepared to take you to the hospital.”

“Laura had to do that once,” David whispers, his eyes still closed. He nuzzles into his pillow. “Fever got too high and I couldn’t breathe properly. Turns out my lungs were a little fucked from binding so much.”

Matteo blinks. Normally David doesn’t talk about anything regarding binding unless he absolutely needs to. It almost frustrates Matteo sometimes, because he can normally tell when David is in pain from binding for too long. It’s almost a struggle every night to make sure that David takes off his binder before they go to bed.

“You’ve stopped doing it as much, right?” he asks, trailing his hand down to caress David’s clothed back, as if willing the pain away somehow.

David lets out a contented sigh and leans into Matteo. “Yeah,” he murmurs. “I’ve definitely learned my lesson from that.”

“Good,” Matteo says, leaning forward to place a kiss on David’s warm forehead. “How are you feeling now?”

“Gross,” David responds tiredly. “A little woozy. But not as bad.”

“Nauseous?”

“Little bit,” David shrugs, his eyes fluttering open. “I think I’ll be okay though.”

“We’ll get you in the bath when you’re up to it, and maybe some anti-nausea meds if you need them,” Matteo promises. He pulls back, remembering his other promise to Laura. He reaches over David to grab his boyfriends’ phone, sending off a quick text to Laura.

“You should have some water,” Matteo says once he’s typed out the message.

“M’ not thirsty.”

“Don’t even argue with me, you need water,” Matteo instructs, giving David’s shoulder a light push.

David sits up carefully with a sigh, closing his eyes as he finally goes upright. He reaches up and pinches the skin on the bridge of his nose, taking in a deep breath.

“Dizzy?” Matteo asks, holding onto David’s shoulder carefully, just in case.

“Yeah,” David mutters, his eyes opening again cautiously. “I can’t sit up for long.”

Matteo makes sure that David’s settled against the wall behind him before he reaches over to grab the half-empty cup of water from the bedside table. “That’s okay, just drink a bit.”

“Yes, sir,” David responds, opening his mouth so that Matteo can help him take a sip. He winces as he swallows the water.

“There we go,” Matteo murmurs mindlessly, taking the cup and placing it back on the bedside table. “Let’s lie down for a bit.”

David goes willingly, curling up on his side, facing Matteo. “For how long?” he wonders.

“Until you start to feel better,” Matteo says as he lies down on his side as well to face his boyfriend. “And then maybe a little bit longer.”

“Sounds good,” David whispers, his dry lips curling into a small smile. He nuzzles into the pillow with a hum. “Sorry I’m so gross.”

Matteo can’t help his lips from forming into a smile. “You’ve seen me even grosser, I think,” he points out. “And besides, I love you no matter now smelly you are.”

David takes him in with his slightly glazed over, but nevertheless warm eyes and a small smile. He snorts and rolls his eyes, giving Matteo’s shoulder an uncharacteristically weak shove. His eyes glint lovingly, and Matteo doesn’t even question it for a second; he knows that the feeling is mutual.

[x-useobwa-x]

༄ are you mad? | 너 화났어?

Jungkook x Reader

➺ Word count: + 1k

╰Due to his PC being broken, Jungkook finds himself visiting the internet cafe daily for hours to play Overwatch. He's an outstanding player, by far better than many of his teammates and he carries his games, but there's one player he always encounters over and over again.

a/n: yooo! I've been itching to write this short thing for a while already! It's nothing special or anything, but I really enjoyed it! It was a nice change from my usual stuff! 🤧👌🏼

Start reading!

⇣ ⇣ ⇣ ⇣ ⇣ ⇣

Jesus fucking christ.

„Fuck!“ he curses under his breath.

This is the seventh time he got sniped down out of the blue and everytime he peeks at the kill-feed, he's burning with rage.

It's the same name. All over again, he's getting killed by the same goddamn player. This has been going on since the day his PC broke.

How it broke in the first place? Well, in his opinion it was because of said player. Even while he was playing at home, he already got hunted down by that one person behind the screen somewhere in the world, making him question all the talent he actually has. At some point he got so angry that he lost his control and kept kicking his computer, loaded with rage.

This is now two weeks ago, and he can't get over the fact that this guy is better than him. Usually he would look up to these better than him, but with this goddamn little shit he just can't get any clear thoughts.

He's so fixated on finding the enemies' Widowmaker that he got too careless and- shoot.

„What the FUCK,“ he yells into his headset, having the majority of the internet cafe turning around and giving him looks.

This damn guy.

Venom. Once again, it was Venom that shot him down.

‚I'm so sick and tired of this dude. Jesus fucking christ.‘

Jungkook is far beyond reaching his limit. This has to be settled, once and for good. He's furiously typing something down in the game-chat.

[Seagull: yo venom, after this game, let's go 1vs1 and lets put an end to this. Its been weeks and you can't seem to fucking stop.]

[Venom: lol what you so triggered for. its just a game bro.]

‚It's just a game? Jesus christ. This... this dude really is something.‘

[Seagull: are you scared?]

[Venom: nope. just not serious about this game. but if you insist, lol sure.]

Jungkook is evily grinning to himself.

This will be the last time he'll get his ass whooped by Venom. That dude might be good with 5 other players on his team that distract Jungkook, but on a 1vs1 battle he definitely will have the upper hand.

„Kook are you sure you want to do that?“ Seokjin calls out to him through the voice chat.

„Yeah I am. I am so sick of getting my ass beaten by that kid, I have to.“

„Well, good luck, because the game's ending now.“

Jungkook doesn't fucking care. He just wants to settle this. He has to show off that he's better, he has to-

‚What the actual fuck?‘

Now he's really pissed. As soon as the game finishes and the ‚Play of the game‘ comes up, he has to fight the urge to throw away the keyboard.

The recap shows one of the many times Venom has shot him down, and it wasn't even a good one in Jungkooks opinion.

[Seagull: wow kinda sad that you got the POTG with that.]

[Venom: you butthurt or smth?]

„B-butthurt??“ he scoffs. „This little...“

„Well. See you, Kook. Good luck with Venom.“ Seokjin says and leaves the group.

He's waiting. He's waiting for Venom to invite him into a private game so he can restore his pride. He is butthurt, but that doesn't mean that he has to admit that to everyone.

[GROUP INVITATION FROM VENOM]

,Finally. Took him long enough.‘ is all he thinks as he clicks ,accept‘.

[Venom: widowmaker 1vs1?]

[Seagull: yes ofc]

[Venom: lol aight]

As both of them enter the game, Jungkooks fingers are itching to turn this around.

‚5...4...3...2...1...go!‘ the game counts down and both of them rush out of their bases to hide.

Jungkook is concentrating with all he has while he zooms into his scope as he tries to track down Venom.

„There you are,“ he whispers as he finds the hated enemy and slowly moves his cursor to steady his aim on Venoms head.

‚Gotcha!‘

Jungkook immediately takes the lead. He's feeling so content right now- they're roughly 20 seconds in and he already shot him down. Using the time until Venom respawns, he repositions himself and hides, scope fixated in the direction of the enemy's base.

‚Come out, come on, show yourself.‘

Just as he finished his thought, he gets shot, and Jungkook can‘t help but stare in disbelief. Where the fuck did he hide? Why didn't he see him? He hates to admit it, but that was a very good play.

[Seagull: yo wtf. that was actually sick,,,]

[Venom: thx broski]

[Seagull: nah we aint bros man. but still, that was dope as fuck.]

The game keeps going like this; both are pretty much equally good, and Jungkook hates that he realizes that. Well, at least he isn't worse. But what actually is worse, is that he starts enjoying playing with Venom. It has been ages that Jungkook met someone that could keep up with his skill.

It stands 29-29 right now, the game limit being 30 kills. This is now going to decide things.

[Venom: this is actually pretty fun. i mean, i have my cursor on your head for the past 2 minutes but i don't want to shoot, i'on want this to be over yet]

[Seagull: ikr, tbh i even feel bad for all the hate and the tons of reports i sent in because of you lmao]

[Venom: EXCUSE ME WHAT CNXND YOU REPORTED ME??? YOU ASSHAT I GOT EXP PENALTY BECAUSE OF YOU I—]

[Seagull: ,,,sOrry??? idk man you really pissed me off ajfksk i hated that you were better its not even that you were better its just that you were always so cOckY OOF i hated it but ur actually?? pretty fun??]

[Venom: lol i'm sorry but your reactions always were gold kfkdls]

[Seagull: yea i,,, i can see that LOL i got pretty worked up. I even crushed my computer in anger oops]

[Venom: you did wHat]

[Seagull: HFKDKDL LET ME BE]

Jungkook is smiling to himself. This guy isn't all too bad after all. Not even half as cocky as he thought. Maybe he'd even end up teaming up with him some time. That thought is immediately cancelled again, though.

Suddenly, his character falls, shot down by the person he just praised for not being as bad as he initially thought. Fuck that.

[Seagull: WHAT THE FUCK BRUH??]

[Venom: lol i thought i'm not your bro]

[Seagull: yEah NOT ANYMORE NOW,,,]

[Venom: are you mad?]

[Seagull: uhh y e s ?? I thought we didn't want to finish this fkdkls]

[Venom: IM SORRY BUT YOUR REACTIONS REALLY JUST ARE SO GOOD I CANT HELP IT-]

Jungkook sighs. He wants to be pissed, but he can't really. He knows it was just meant as a joke, but still, that means the game is over now, and he's kind of feeling sad.

[Seagull: yo... you maybe wanna stay in the group and keep talking a bit? y'know, just being on the title screen and ,,, t a l k]

[Venom: u mean voice chat?]

[Seagull: yea i mean if you want to,,,]

[Venom: uhh sure why not]

Jungkook enables the voice chat and waits for Venom to do the same.

As soon as he gets the notification that his new mate joined the voice chat, there's some sort of awkward silence; it seems like neither of them wants to go first, but then they happen to start talking at the same time.

„Uhh hello?“

„Uhm, hi?“

Silence. Jungkooks eyes widen an unreal amount and his mouth slightly falls open.

There are two things that he would like to point out. First, the voice belongs to a girl, which he didn't expect at all. But the second thing is, that the voice came from nowhere else than the booth right next to him.

He jumps out of his chair and watches as you do the exact same- and there you both are, looking at each other like two idiots.

„You- you're Venom??“

„You are Seagull? Dude we've been both coming here everyday sitting in the same damn places??“

„As if I didn't figure that yet. What the- so you are the person that keeps hunting me down?“ he says as if he's just figured out all the mysteries of the world.

„What do you mean ‚hunting you down‘? YOU are hunting me down!“

The both of you stare at each other, pouts on your faces before you burst into laughter.

What the actual fuck is happening right now? An hour ago he wished to rip the gamer that goes by the name Venom into pieces, and now he's standing infront of you and your smile and the melody of your laughter is sending his stomach tingling. Is this what people call ‚love at the first sight‘? Because if so, that's definitely what's happening right now. A girl? Not to mention a very beautiful one? Playing his favorite game almost better than he himself does? And on top of that she's funny and seems nice so far? He'd be damned if he'd let this opportunity slide. He could be living the dream of many, many men and he's not one to pass a chance he'd like to take.

„You know, what do you think about us just logging out for now and grab a coffee together? Getting to know each other and continuing our talk offline?“ he smirks, eyes big and full of hope.

„Hmm, I guess that does sound fair, I mean, I owe you one for all the teasing and for your broken computer, huh?“

„You totally do,“ he says as a wide smile starts spreading across his lips.

[anuschkalova]

The Backup Plan (Chapter 1: The Approaching) Elliot x Reader

Summary: Elliot who suffers from weekly crying attacks finds comfort by chatting with a girl called Y/N that he met online. They have a real mutual understanding and grow close. Elliot enjoys the virtual connection, but is soon forced to step out of his comfort zone.  Pairing: Elliot Alderson x Reader Word count: 2.795 Part 2 HERE

If Elliot had to name one thing that he hated the most, it would be his loneliness.

He hated it whenever the silence overfilled his apartment, making him aware of the missing. He hated the overwhelming sadness that attacked his body, forcing him to curl up into a weeping ball and let it all out. He hated his own fucking blubbering; it was pathetic.  And he hated the fact that his morphine was out. 

Elliot squeezed the empty plastic can in his hand and threw it against the wall. „Fuck!“, he spat and pulled at his hair in frustration, walking in circles. Tonight was far worse than usual - his whole mind was intoxicated by the mixture of every single negative thought he had collected over the years, and this damn mental cocktail was hard to swallow. 

He needed something else to numb the pain, to turn his overheated system into sleep mode. What Elliot needed was a backup plan, a good one and preferentially in the next few seconds.

Flipper’s sudden barking made him slightly jump and Elliot stared at the little dog. She always did this during his crying sessions, probably because she sensed his anxiety. But the longer Elliot stared at the big round black eyes it seemed they fixed something behind him, so he turned and sighed. The computer.

„Of course…“ Elliot sat down and furiously tipped on the keyboard, bringing the monitor to life. Its harsh light illuminated his puffy face and the rest of the dimmed room. 

One klick and the browser opened, Elliot typed swiftly and the white page turned into his surrender: the blue version of his morphine - the most popular social media platform. He created an account, logged in and began searching. Looking for someone to write to, getting off his mind for the moment, exchanging nonsense and feeling normal for once. He went to ‚public groups‘ and thought about a topic, something that his future dialog partner would share with him; a common interest was essential for a fluent conversation. Elliot knew that, but only theoretical.  It was a group called Best movies of all time where he read Y/N’s comment about The Nightcrawler, discussing the two faces of society with three other members and without thinking twice his hands had already started a private conversation.

Elliot A., 12:43  What are your favorite movies?

He brought one hand to his mouth and bit at his knuckles impatiently. Shit, he was so desperate that he forgot a ‚Hey‘ or ‚How are you‘. She probably won’t answer him. One minute had passed and the loneliness was still there. Elliot moved the cursor to close the conversation, eager to find someone else, when a noise accompanied the new message he got.

Y/N, 12:45  I will tell you after a proper greeting.

Elliot A., 12:45  Hey.

He hesitated and typed more.

Elliot A., 12:45  Hey. I’m sorry.

God, why did he have to be that awkward? But nevertheless, he got an answer again.

Y/N, 12:46  Hey, don’t be. I was just messing with you ;-) I do like thriller movies like Shutter Island, Split and Hick. What about you?

Elliot felt his tensed shoulders relax as his eyes roamed over the letters. 

Elliot A., 12:46  Sounds interesting. I like any kind of movie as long as it’s good.

Y/N, 12:46  Haha, and what is ‚good‘?

Elliot A., 12:46  Back to the future is pretty good.

Y/N, 12:47  Yeah, I’ve seen it. So you like the sci-fi genre or just the imagination of traveling through time?

Elliot A., 12:47  Don’t we all wish to do that somehow?

Y/N, 12:47  In order to escape reality, yes. 

Elliot leaned closer to the monitor. He felt a weird sensation, as if somebody had put a cozy blanket over his back and rubbed the soft fabric on his skin while whispering I understand you. Did Y/N understand him?

Elliot A., 12:47  Do you wish to escape reality sometimes?

His heart pounded wildly in his chest as he awaited her answer. Elliot was so nervous that he didn’t register his burning eyes due to not blinking. His body however forced him to do so and after his eyes were set back to the monitor he had a new message.

Y/N, 12:48  Yes.

Her answer was short, but it revealed so much more. Elliot, intrigued by Y/N, clicked on her picture to visit her profile. It was set private, so he just stared at her smiling face. She looked so happy and open-minded, her messy bun had lost some strains of hair that framed her blushed cheeks. What story hid beneath those sparkling eyes? What made her wish to escape reality? Elliot’s fingers began to tingle, they always did before he hacked a person. He felt the urge to open her sealed book, reading the missing lines that would complete her story, the beginning and the ripped out pages - he wanted to know everything - every misery and every secret. 

The familiar annoying noise of another message interrupted his thoughts.

Y/N, 12:49  I don’t want to seem weird or anything, considering we chatted for only 5 minutes, but I’m glad you texted me, Elliot. 

Every word became more blurry as Elliot’s eyes teared up. He ran his hand over his face and took a deep breath. Her honesty unwrapped his true intention, so gently and careful not to rip the thin paper that covers his vulnerability. 

Elliot A., 12:49  I am the weird one. I know it must sound pathetic, but I needed someone to talk to.

Y/N, 12:49  Then you’re not alone. I need someone to talk as well. Idk why, but it’s so much easier with a stranger than a friend.

There it was. He read the sentence over and over like a mantra. You’re not alone. You’re not alone. You’re not alone. And then, the loneliness was gone. Elliot, who went to therapy for over two years now, started to understand Krista’s words. His therapist always urged him to tell his thoughts instead of bottling it all up inside. Now, the relief was overwhelming as the lid was removed, the inner pressure left his body in pleasant small waves. 

Elliot A., 12:49  I understand you. 

Y/N, 12:50  :-) Btw, I guess you’re a man? You have a unisex name, my sister’s name is Elliot as well. 

Elliot A., 12:50  You’re right. How do you know?

He had no profile picture and no information given to the site besides his name. Of course Elliot had used a fake e-mail account during the registration process. The internet was not trustworthy. 

Y/N, 12:50  The way you write gives it away. Or maybe I just traveled through time and got a glimpse of you.

She tried to lighten up the mood and Elliot appreciated it. His lips twitched into a quick smile before he typed his answer.

Elliot A., 12:51  I take option two. So how do I look?

It took a while for Y/N to answer, so he went over to Flipper’s bowl to fill it with fresh water. The little dog wagged its tail happily while drinking. The roll chair creaked when Elliot sat back to read her text.

Y/N, 12:55  You have bright eyes, blue or green, I couldn’t tell in the short time and you have natural curly hair, brunette and not too short. You wear glasses and a knitted oversized sweater with cats on it.

Elliot A., 12:56  I almost believed you. 

Y/N, 12:56  Was worth the try and hey, I don’t judge.

Elliot A., 12:56  I’m more a dog person. 

Y/N, 12:56  Cool. What’s his/her name?

Elliot A., 12:56 Flipper.

And so Elliot told Y/N the story of how he got Flipper, of course leaving out the hacking part, and they continued writing about this and that. He learned that she was addicted to coffee and long hot baths; that she enjoyed going to the cinema and secretly danced at home to 80’s music. Y/N on the other hand found out that Elliot worked for a cybersecurity company and that he had a sister as well. When Y/N excused herself for a moment, Elliot checked the time. It was 2:28 am and for the first time during this day he was calm. The anxiety had crawled back into the back door of his mind and Elliot won’t open it for the rest of the night. He decided to end the chat and go to sleep, work awaited him in 4.5 hours.

Elliot A., 02:28  I’ll go to bed now. It was nice talking to you, Y/N. 

Y/N, 02:29  Alright. Good night, Elliot. Keep the systems clean :-)

Elliot A., 02:29  I will.

Y/N, 02:29  See you soon.

___

That conversation took place on a Sunday night, and since then the two of them would chat every time Elliot suffered from his loneliness. He could go for a week, completely fine by himself, enduring the lack of human interactions in his life, just to break down within the safety of his apartment. But Elliot had his personal backup plan - Y/N. They wrote about nonsense and meaningful things, about deep emotions and opinions. She was the anchor when his anxiety washed over him like a giant wave, she would keep him on the surface and Elliot stopped panicking.

The routine was set like a clock:  Crying and writing to Y/N. One week past. Crying and writing to Y/N. One week past. Crying again and writing to Y/N.

It worked. She became an important part in Elliot’s life and so it was only natural for him to hack her. He had lasted two days before he gave in and followed his nature. Private messages with friends and family, bank and e-mail accounts, online-shopping activities and social media profiles were not safe from Elliot’s endless thirst for knowledge. He was more than glad to find out that she told him the truth. Then, something caught his attention in her browser’s history, a specific search.

>>Cybersecurity company New York Elliot<<

Y/N had tried to find him. Elliot leaned back in his chair and kept his eyes locked to his name. It was understandable, her wish to put a face to the person she spend hours and hours writing to. Elliot got it, but he still felt uneasy about the imagination showing her his face.  Their relationship would reach a new level of intimacy. He wouldn’t be a screen to her anymore, but a real human. A human she could meet in real life.

„Elliot?“ Krista’s soft voice addressed him, causing him to snap out of his thoughts.  Today was Thursday and Elliot sat on the large couch of his therapist’s office. She titled her head a little. „You are quieter than usual. What are you thinking about?“ Elliot refused to meet her eyes and instead looked down at his fumbling hands. He hadn’t told Krista about Y/N until now.

„I’ve met someone…“ Elliot could see from the corner of his eyes how the woman’s head lifted up, eyebrows raised. He got her full attention. „That’s great, Elliot. Tell me about him, her.“ „Her name is Y/N… We are writing a lot“, he said slowly and his face softened. It was the first time he said her name out loud and he liked the way it left his lips. Krista noticed the change of Elliot’s mimic and smiled in satisfaction. Seeing her patient like that really warmed her heart.

„So you haven’t met Y/N so far?“ Elliot’s head twitched slightly and he turned towards the window. „Elliot?“ „I’m afraid of showing her my face. What if she’ll be disappointed?“, he spoke quietly and Krista watched him swallowing hard, fighting against the upcoming tears.

„What if I won’t match her expectations? We live in a world where looks and status rule. Swiping left because the nose is too big or the eyes are too narrowed, the first impression is always crucial for a relationship.“ Elliot began to shake as the anger built up, his eyes darting across the room before he finally locked gazes with his therapist. Krista raised her hand and motioned him to calm down. He took a deep breath and clenched his hands. 

„You are talking about relationships. Do you feel something for Y/N and are afraid of her possible rejection?“ Elliot shrugged his shoulder and kept his eyes down. „But Elliot, she must be special if you write so much with her. Do you really believe that she’s superficial and will abandon you?“ Krista was right. Y/N wasn’t like the others, she was willing to write to a complete stranger who’s face she hadn’t seen. She had trusted him and what did Elliot do? Hacking and accusing her for being a hypocrite. 

„No…“, he mumbled and Krista nodded. „I know I tell you this every time, but real human interactions are important for you, Elliot.“

___

Y/N, 10:13  Hey, how are you? 

Elliot frowned at Y/N’s message. It had been three days since his last crying session and she was never the one who approached him first. Y/N always waited for him to start the conversation, because she probably knew not to push him.

Elliot A., 10:14  Hey, is everything okay?

She didn’t answer right away and it fed Elliot’s worry. He tipped his fingers against the wooden desk and his nervous tick made Flipper bark in response. „Sorry“, he said to the dog and finally he heard the noise of a new message.

Y/N, 10:17  I’m sorry it’s just… I feel so alone right now. My shithead of boyfriend broke up with me and I’m not sad about it, just really mad. I knew that he cheated on me and I planed on breaking up, it’s just that he accused me of destroying the relationship… He blamed me for everything and it’s just so frustrating.

Guilt laid heavily on Elliot’s shoulder as he recalled today’s therapy session. He also had blamed his anxiety on her and Elliot regretted it. He also regretted hacking her and therefore feeling the lack of surprise. He had read the chats of Y/N and her boyfriend, hacked his profiles and found out about his dirty secret named Samantha. Judging by the texts, he had cheated on Y/N for 1.5 years and Elliot was often tempted to blow his cover.

But he didn’t, because Y/N knew it. She wrote with her sister about his cheating and how she was going to break up with him. Or using her words ‚beating his ass up‘.

Elliot A., 10:18  Don’t be sorry. I would feel the same. He is more than a shithead if he gives up on such a smart and funny woman.

He hoped that his words eased her pain a little. God, he was so bad at this. How did Y/N just managed to safe him every time he was close to falling apart? He saw her typing, but then she paused a moment before she continued.

Y/N, 10:20  Thank you, Elliot. 

She was holding back something, he felt it.

Elliot A., 10:20  You can tell me anything, Y/N. Don’t hide.

Elliot scoffed at his own text. Don’t hide. He should be the last person telling her to not hide. But his words actually reached her and Elliot’s heart stopped beating when he saw her plead.

Y/N, 10:22  I just wish you could hold me in your arms. I’m sorry if it’s weird, but I trust you so much and I know you probably want to keep it this way and maybe it’s just because of my emotions, but I want to know you more.

Elliot could visualize her crying face - eyes red and cheeks glistening from her salty tears. She must be so desperate if she asked him for the one thing she knew he avoided all the time. Elliot’s backup plan was a real human with real emotions and a beating heart. Y/N had saved him so many times, so wasn’t it his turn to return the favor? His hands ghosted over the keyboards, waiting for his brain’s order. He wet his dry lips as he tipped his message to her.

Elliot A., 10:24  We can meet tomorrow if that’s okay.

To be continued… Part 2 HERE

[thebibliosphere]

Sorry if you’ve answered this before, but how did you and ETD meet? I love reading about your interactions! You guys are so sweet and you make me excited to find someone in the future who loves me and my oddities. ^-^

All right well brace yourselves, this is likely not as romantic as you’re thinking.

It was online a very long time ago, on a geeky writer fanzine run predominantly by elf enthusiasts (the final Lord of the Rings had just come out, everything was elves for a long time). He liked my writing, and I liked that he liked my writing, so we became friends in what would turn out to be very turbulent times for both of us.

I was an emotional wreck, stuck at home, dating my abusive ex and unable to get away from him, and ETD was also going through some shit as well. My abusive ex was also on the fanzine (because wherever I went online, he went too. He also used to log in as me and go through my messages and delete any he didn’t like) and unlike ETD and a few others, like @ahzuri and @dreamwaffles (holy crap we’ve been friends a long time), he thought my writing was worthless and took every opportunity to put me down and just generally be a bag of assholes.

So while I was dating Asshole, future-husband-to-be and cryptid-in-training now known as ETD, sort of filled in the void where emotional stability and support ought to be. Something which I was also doing for him, while we both urged the other to get help and basically just sort of held each other above water long enough to find the strength to keep kicking on our own again. He was my best friend, long before I realized he was my soul mate. (Though not necessarily my sole mate, I’ve never ascribed to the idea of “one true love” or fate.)

I still remember the first time we had a webcam chat and I felt my stomach drop cause “oh no he’s hot”. I tried valiantly to stop staring at his hands or the crook of his smile, but the guy talks a lot with his hands and smiles a lot too, so it wasn’t easy. And I was still very much firmly in denial that I had feelings for him because nope nope nope, that just wouldn’t do. Besides, I was still dating Asshole and as much as I was desperately unhappy, I was just as equally desperate for his approval and affection and thought maybe if I just tried harder, I might deserve it.

Except things just kept going from bad to worse and some days the only thing keeping me going was the hour a day where I could talk to the dorky American sending me vaguely flirty but mostly benign friendly messages from over 4000 miles away, and who was always telling me I was smart and funny and he loved what I had written that day, and how he always looked forward to talking to me. Vs. my then actual boyfriend, who isolated me from my friends and got off on hurting me in not good ways, and made me feel like I deserved it. And he hated that I was talking to husband-to-be, hated it. It actually resulted in an argument where he told me (again) that I was lucky to have him because no one else would ever want me because I was so ugly. But instead of backing down like I normally did, I stormed off thinking to myself, “fuck him, who the fuck does he think he is, I bet ETD would appreciate a picture of my tits” and, well, I was right.

…Anyway. 

That went on for a while and I eventually found the emotional strength to break up permanently with Asshole and moved on with my life. I started going to college, made new friends…and still lived for those little moments when the $1 text message would show up every morning that would say “Good morning gorgeous :)” and tried to convince myself I had no feelings for him beyond enjoying his attention and our meaningful conversations about love, life and the universe as a whole. We even talked to each other about other partners we had, we were just…the constant in each other’s variables. 

And then my family decided they were going to go on vacation in the USA and we thought, hey great, lets meet up. He needed a friendly date for a wedding, and I needed to not spend three weeks in Florida with my family, great, sure lets meet up.

So I’m getting off the flight from Florida and I want to vomit. Like for real, I almost throw up in a trashcan I am so nervous which is ridiculous. Because I am meeting my friend. Sure he knew all my deepest darkest fears and all my fragile hopes in dreams. And what I looked like without my clothes on. But it wasn’t like this was a Big Deal or anything (haha, right…right? guys?…right?)

So I’m hightailing it through the airport, checking my phone to see if he messaged me back after I texted him from the plane, and I make it to baggage claim, and there’s a lull in foot traffic and the people part—and of course he has his back to me—and I get this overwhelming sense of calm wash over me. But he also very firmly has his back to me, and because I’m an absolute gremlin I decided to sneak up behind him because that’s the kind of person I am. Except that didn’t work because he turned at the last minute and suddenly I’m off the ground and we’re hugging and laughing and it takes over a full minute or more before either one of us actually says anything and when we do it’s this giddy breathless rush of hi/hello…you look, haha, no you go first, no YOU…how was your flight/drive, here let me get your bag/no it’s okay I, well if you insist…

I’d like to say it was love at first sight but I’m not that much of a romantic. I mean it was something at first sight because on the drive back to his parents house we didn’t say anything, we just stared at each other, holding hands the entire way. Which was very bad because he was meant to be watching the road not me. But we survived, made it into his parents house, put my suitcase into the guest room, went downstairs to get a glass of water and managed about maybe…two minutes?? of polite conversation?? And then we just sort of launched ourselves at each other and have been largely inseparable (emotionally speaking) ever since. 

It was one of the best weeks of my life, and I finally knew we had something more special than what I had allowed myself to believe it was. And not just because the final Harry Potter book came out that week and he let me read his copy before he did, but I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t a big part of it.

Flash forward through five years of me finishing college and only being able to see each other once a year and trying to figure out where our relationship was going, (we like each other, we decide, we really really like each other and we’re good for each other and we love each other, maybe we could make this whole thing work if we try really hard) and he proposed via a rhyming treasure hunt and a mug of tea.

A year and a bit later we were married in Scotland, with our friends and family around us, and a sizable chunk of Internet friends who had been following our blatant denial for years, cheering us on from the sidelines. And now we’re here, five years married in May, still holding hands in the car when we shouldn’t, still very glad with the life choices we made that brought us here. Even on the bad days.

Which I figure must mean we’re doing something right.

[sleepymarmot]

Twilight Mirage liveblog 5/5 (finale & post-mortem)

64-67

Found a new shortcut to my heart: announcing your finale is going to be a mashup of The Quiet Year and Firebrands 

Why is it surpising that the Qui Err Coalition allies with the Waking Cadent? That was my first thought when Iota was making her speech! The Qui Err thinks the humans should leave, the Cadent thinks the humans should leave, sounds pretty compatible to me. 

What's the logic of “When Crystal Palace arrives, we will blow up this system”? It's not a bomb! But it will be in danger if a bomb goes off right next to it!

Oh no, Ali is doing the classic “shoot yourself in the foot on purpose” move

I don't get how Grand Magnificent got promoted from “got paid once to retire” to “is trusted to do actual missions for Advent”

Why the hell does Gig want to kill Ballad

The players keep underestimating how “horny” the scenes in Firebrands are and Austin is increasingly exasperated 

I would like to thank Jack from the bottom of my heart for choosing dance as a framing for making contact with Grand. Also I completely lost it at “there are talons on my shoulder”

I must have missed something, what's so bad about the Splice and Our Profit that everyone's so excited to fuck them over? The Mirage is made a renewable resource, right, so the Splice isn't a drain on anything?

The Echo-Ballad scene is so frustrating that I can't even feel appropriately bad about it! Come on Echo, just help Grand go back to Advent as an undercover spy, it doesn't have to be a competition this time!

I still don't understand Independence II… How do you send your new very conspicous and recognizable design to friends in rival factions without blowing your cover 

The timeline here is really weird… Echo rescues Grand and brings Ballad with them, Ballad calls off his people, Grand sends out his new mech design… And a week later, Grand's still on Qui Err territory having a friendly lunch with its leader? If going back is still an option, how is that going to look without making Advent seem like total idiots? Ah, it's only a day after? Okay…

I'm very glad the Volition problem was solved so peacefully!

5 minutes later: “Quire could die!” How about no??! I was so busy preparing to mourn Volition. I am completely unprepared to lose Quire just like that.

Memorious was alive and also an axiom worm this whole time? Wut

Fuck, do we need another opportunity to kill off Ballad?! This list of NPCs is making me very nervous, I don't want any of them to die… As soon as they said “tactical skirmish” I started screaming internally and likely won't stop until it is over… Wow, Ali, that was cold Oh no, Keith is really on a mission to murder Ballad

Grand how could you bring a bomb to Christmas dinner what the hell RIP bird leader / avian boss, he had an amazing unique voice and, in my head, a really cool cartoony design

Thanks for 9.5 hours of fun. Now I guess it's time for the 4 hour long brutal and heartbreaking final boss encounter

Full offence Gig, but I wouldn't log off even the real internet for lawn games

Signet fucking saved everyone single-handedly, twice. Two biggest threats. Incredible. What is the rest of the game even about

Seriously, do the players know something about Advent that I don't?! Otherwise please stop calling your cheesy space mafia “nazis”

I've been waiting for Even and Cascabel stealing time together since the beginning of the finale! For 11 hours! Finally! This finale is in dire need of more romance content I like that everyone immediately starting dragging all Bioware games at once

I don't see how a secular virtual reality is more of a “weird cult” than an augmented reality in which people maintain an actual religion worshipping the union of human and synthetic life for 30k years. Can we not do the hypocrisy again please. Why is it okay for the Divine Fleet to build their own take on utopia but when the NEH does it's portrayed as a threat and all characters treat it with suspicion and contempt

OK all these ideological debates are fine and dandy but people really should ask more practical questions like “you don't have to rush, why don't you just go back to the previous eco-friendly methods we have previously agreed upon” Glad Fourteen won, but ideologically, as you can guess from this entire liveblog, I'm with Our Profit

I don't like how Tender started with the intention of attacking Our Profit / the Splice but very much like how it somehow turned into her offering to help them and solve everyone's problems in one move

Grand Magnificent building a pseudo-Divine to blind the Crystal Palace with the power of bullshit is the ideal happy ending for him

Good on everyone for doing the best possible things with the Divines, except for the DFS for managing to do every possible bad thing simultaneously!!! My dislike of that faction is vindicated but at what cost Oh god it's even worse 

“Echo Reverie, who knew well both the value and the cost of violence, and who dreamt powerfully of peace” is such a beautiful and concise summary of their character arc God I just love how organically Echo and Gig's arcs led them to help a decolonized society lead independent, peaceful and joyful lives

A new Fleet with a healthier relationship between the Divines and everyone else is nice, thank you Signet

Oh my god, the ending titles are Gig interviewing everyone, that's so sweet!!! Really the perfect sentence to end this campaign with.

(I feel like a jerk mentioning it but… Whenever there's music overlayed with the voice track, it's almost always too loud and I have to strain my ears to hear the words… It's been like that since season one. Am I really the only one with this problem?!) 

Whew! Hard to believe this long, long listening experience is over. I have mixed feelings: sometimes it was exciting or inspiring, sometimes it was fun but I felt I could as well be doing something else, sometimes I listened to the outro and thought “this music and the montage for it in my head right now make me feel so much more than the episode I just heard”, and sometimes the ideology of the narrative or characters'/players' opinions and actions clashed enough with my worldview enough to poison the entire experience. What's new is that, unlike the previous arcs, I didn't have an urge to shake my friends and yell at them “you absolutely must listen to this!” and that made me sad. But that might be just me getting used to this show and taking its good features for granted.

Post-mortem

Oh god, the production of the final sequence sounds like absolute nightmare

Thanks for validating me with the speech about the Fleet's lack of engagement with its “original sin”, Austin 

Thanks, Janine, I hate it! This religion didn't need to get any creepier!

Yes tell us how many ears Tender has! I need to know!! Tender's fursona is the Russian food cat?! Amazing The livestream practically starts with googling animal pictures. Classic

Honestly Echo's disability was barely noticeable to me as a listener… There wasn't a lot of visible difference between the way they accessed the mesh and other PCs did, and after the nanites did activate, I don't think it was ever brought up again…

Yeah I'm genuinely upset that Tender and Fourteen didn't get together, by the way! Or at least have an overt romantic storyline! Give me that sweet sweet PC/PC romance my soul is starving Like I get what Jack is saying about the value of depicting friendship and normally I'd be on his side but 😭 😭 😭 On the other hand I didn't know Echo/Grand was a thing (And now feel kind of bitter it got more official endorsement than my ship that has more canonical foundation) This universe is actually about Austin inventing NPCs who have crushes on Keith's characters and then Keith pointedly avoiding the subject How could anyone forget about Tender's wild fangirling over Waltz lmfao

Austin calmly talking of all these things I screamed about above like “yeah that's what I intended”. Like on the one hand I'm glad, but on the other why couldn't you make it less frustrating to listen to

The rehabilitation theme is another thing that is present thematically but was not discussed on screen enough imo. One thing my mind kept returning to re: Contrition's Figure was the question of forgiveness for serious crime, personal boundaries and principles, and the policy of not disclosing the inmates' crimes. I imagine a survivor of rape or abuse wouldn't want to share space with someone who did the same kind of crime that hurt them. Even if they wouldn't be made to interact, of course, but what if that person believes those kind of people don't deserve rehabilitation at all? What if they reject that system on principle? You often encounter seemingly serious statements like “abusers/rapists/nazis should die”, especially lately. I've heard that about “fascists” (which is a separate issue) in this very campaign. Where do people with these opinions go in a utopia? Do they not exist? Do people who commit horrific crimes not exist either? Because I was listening to that arc and thinking “What if one of those undisclosed crimes was csa or serial murder or something like that? Would I be expected to shake hands and play chess with that criminal? How could I rehabilitate, heal, re-socialize, learn to trust in a space where anyone I meet could be Shrodinger's rapist?” And that leads to the bigger question of what a utopia is. Is it a better society – or better human nature? If latter (and Austin said so) – then to what extent? Because the theoretical people who are so much more advanced than us that they are, en masse, incapable of extreme cruelty, must also differ from our generation with their entire psychology. And a psychology so different would be unimaginable, unplayable, and would not provide necessary dramatic conflict or antagonistic characters. Which is why most alien characters in most stories, including this one, are just humans in silly costumes or prosthetics.

Oh dear god, that must be the heaviest personal story yet… But I understand better what Declan's Corrective was about.

Oh I've been definitely thinking about static utopias vs utopias of process while listening! When I wrote at some point that they made me stop and consider what a utopia is, it was one of the things I meant.

Yeah, sure, in our world the Splice would be terrible because of the existing power dynamics. But that's a Counter/weight story! Twilight Mirage and the Divine Fleet have been about the technologies and ideas that could have been, or were, used to terrible ends, but miraculously, we got to see them used in good faith with genuinely good intentions and good results. Divines have been all kinds of threats over the ages, and yet the Fleet managed to build a community around them that was a small paradise for 30,000 years. So why do the NEH and the Splice not get the same benefit of the doubt? Why is narrative not treating them with the same respect? Why are they always a threat? Why isn't there a major, likeable NPC whose life was enriched by the Splice to the extent that it is central to their identity, who could be our advocate for that point of view? Why are some powerful and potentially infinitely dangerous things, like Divines or religion itself, shown as more valid than others? And don't tell me that our player characters are from the Fleet – none of them are Qui Err either, and yet by the end it is a respected, lovingly portrayed player faction.

Oh, and also, speaking of the Splice's dangers, and what would have made it dangerous in the real world – one of the things that bothered me about it was that these dangers weren't actually described and addressed in the show properly! Probably at least in part because this techology is so magical it's hard to codify how it works. If it gives an indefinite amount of time, how do you sync up all these infinite amounts of timelines? Whenever anyone logs in to visit Tender, how do they know if it's been a day for her, like in the real world, or a hundred years? (Oh and by the way, I waited in vain for the explanation for these strange duplicities and possible time anomalies; what was going on with Ache and Acre?) If opposing the Splice and the NEH were about solving specific problems with the Splice, I would be all for that!

But yeah, I really do appreciate “processes that self-regulate and address their own issues”, how the story and specifically the finale were about the work of building a better world. I like the finale especially because it shows the social processes more clearly; TM's lack of a faction game and its focus on “bigger picture” was palpable, so I was happy to see again that aspect of the show I think is really good and unique. At first I thought it was anticlimactic that the main threats of the finale were solved so easily, early, and pretty much single-handedly. And, indeed, in a tv show that would have looked pretty strange (and require some rewriting, because with how it went down, Signet should have been the sole protagonist from the start lol). But on the other hand, it gave a lot of space and focus to what the whole story has been about: building a better society and future. Not just saving it from an external threat and drawing the curtain on that – but making sure the world we won is the one we want to live in. Preserve the environment! Decolonize the land! Shut off the tyrannical prophecy machine! And that's a good thing, and from my perspective very characteristic of this show. Before it, I didn't even know there were games about building and preserving communities and addressing civil issues! For years I thought “Well, stories of adventure are fun, but they don't address the real issues”, but turns out, there are people and systems that at least try to combine both. And that's a thought I can find comfort in, even if the specific choices of this campaign make me frustrated sometimes.

“I also tried to move away from violence this season and ended up making an arms manufacturer”

Somehow the end of the post-mortem feels sadder and more final than the end of the show proper

[eeveelutionsforequality]

@mod vape, do you have any tips for dealing with hypersexuality or addiction? bc uh. getting off hurts. idk if it’s specifically because ive been doing it so goddamn much or because of the fucking legion of medical problems i have, but it’s DEFINITELY making my abdominal pain worse and i dont know how to stop gjdfjhk.

Well, firstly, go to the doctor about that pain - there are injuries, illnesses, sexual dysfunctions, and all sorts of things from that could be causing a pain like that (it could be a pulled muscle, a cyst, maybe you aggravated a pre-existing health issue, etc), and it's best to rule out anything too dangerous as soon as you can, and to treat anything treatable. Even if it is tied to or caused by overdoing sex/masturbation, just mitigating that habit isn't guaranteed to fix it.

I was getting some pretty bad pain from even small dildos/vibrators, and I decided to go to the doctor in case it was something dangerous - thankfully, it turned out to just be a sexual dysfunction (basically spasms and tightening of the muscles in the vagina, in my case caused by trauma). I was supposed to get therapy for it, but I never went because I was having another therapy at the time and my carer was like "But what if they cancel each other out!?" and I was like "That's not how it works..." Sometimes it acts up but I think I've got it mostly under control. I've also had to go to the doctor for sprained/strained wrists more times than I would like to admit... I used to be like "Oh I played my guitar for too long" or "Oh I think I leant on my walking stick for too long" and now I'm just like "Wanker's cramp".

Trust me and my plethora of injuries when I say that doctors are professionals, they went to medical school, they see genitalia on a daily basis, they've seen eyes and ears and giant sores full of puss... it's really rare to get a doctor that will look down upon or judge you for that. Sure you'll get the odd "You should masturbate less", "Here's a big speech about the risks of STDs and pregnancy", "Have you told your therapist about this", but it's more of an "I'm contractually obliged to impart medical advice" than an "I think you're gross" 99% of the time.

Secondly, I do have tips, but I'm still hella bad at dealing with my own issues - I still smoke more than I want to, drink til I puke, sleep with strangers, lose days to laying in bed alone, have an aching pain in my wrists, etc. Obviously I don't have all of the answers, so I can't promise that they'll be the best tips in the world - it's worth doing some more research of your own, and it might be worth talking to your doctor/therapist if you can't manage it on your own.

You haven't given much detail about how specifically it affects you or what the addiction is to (sexual stuff in general, masturbation, casual sex, porn, etc), so I'm going to try to cover as much as I can (like dealing with sexual thoughts about people in your life, limiting the number of times you masturbate, etc) and I hope that at least some of what I say is useful to you.

Okay, so the first tip I have is: try not to slip into the mentality that cold turkey is the only way to go if it's not what you want - thinking "I can't have this. I'm not allowed this." can increase cravings. Thinking "I'm allowed this later... if I stay motivated not to do it now and if I only do it in moderation, and it's gonna be great." can make waiting out those cravings a lot easier, provided you have the self-control to not slip back into a bad habit after once.

Ways to avoid slipping back into bad habits include: having time (or number of the thing) limits for when and how long you are allowed, having something to do afterwards that takes your mind off it (for example "once I've done it once, I have to get up, take out the rubbish, email my boss, read that global warming article, and get ready for bed"), other rewards/punishments (put a book you really want in your Amazon basket then click "save for later", if at the end of the fortnight you've accomplished your goal then buy the book, if you fail the fortnight resets and you have to wait two more weeks - set smaller goals with smaller rewards, and larger goals with larger rewards), keeping and going over a diary so that you can see what worked and what didn't, if there's a pattern to failures, progress even if you're not meeting goals (at which point try to make the upcoming goals a little easier since you're expecting too much of yourself), and so on.

Secondly, and it's the most generic tip ever but it's SUPER important for addictions because they can damage your pre-frontal cortex... healthy diet, exercise, meditation, mental exercises, getting some sun, and other daily tasks are super important.

You need to get into the habit of something like reading or pottery or drawing for at least half an hour to an hour every day - turn off your internet, games, distractions, and maintain concentration on what you're doing. This helps repair the effects that addictions can have on your pre-frontal cortex and dopamine receptors by activating the parts of your brain that work towards maintained motivation and focus for smaller or distant rewards, which in turn will help your brain work normally again, which in turn will increase motivation and willpower.

Cooking more difficult meals will have similar benefits and a healthy diet improves your overall health. Exercise does the same even more effectively than either, and it has the added bonus of energizing you, increasing your focus on other tasks that you do afterwards, various health benefits, lifting your mood, and helping you be tired by the end of the day so that you'll be able to sleep easier - insomnia is a really dangerous trigger for any addiction, but especially a masturbation or sex addiction, because you're in an environment that is associated with that behaviour and the behaviour makes it easier to sleep afterwards, so you've every reason to start doing it if you find yourself unable to sleep.

Which brings me on to another reason why keeping a diary is especially important - you need to isolate your triggers. Establish what happened immediately before the behaviour, what you were thinking, and what potentially led to the behaviour. Then you can work towards either avoiding those triggers, lessening them, being mindful of them, or training yourself to exhibit a different behaviour in response to them - for example, if having a shower triggers you to masturbate, try singing in the shower instead, training your brain to react to showers with the urge to sing instead of the urge to masturbate.

You might also want to try sleeping meds, so that you can take them, read until they start to kick in, and then immediately go to bed and try to sleep - that way there's less of a gap between going to bed and falling asleep where something could happen.

Routine can also be really helpful for some people - you're supposed to fall asleep between about 10pm and 1am for optimal sleep, and you're supposed to wake up between 6 and 8 hours later. Get out of bed as soon as you wake up to avoid lethargy, and either exercise or go for a short walk, or do something that starts your brain and body working for the day. After that, prepare breakfast, don't watch TV or distract yourself while you eat. Continue the day with a routine that works for you, and you could set a time at which you will masturbate (or maybe a date you're allowed to go to the club and pull... how you work in routine if you have a long-term sexual partner is something you would need to talk to them about) that doesn't interfere with your routine.

Avoid bars, pubs, clubs, tinder, grindr, and anything else that can be a trigger for that or makes quick hook-ups easy - I know that I can go to the pub near me (because there'll be nobody there for that, it's an "old people come here to watch football" pub), and that I can go to a pub or bar with friends if I'm having a good day, but making sure that my flat wasn't within walking distance of a club and deleting dating apps was really helpful to me (it meant that even if the temptation was there the effort required to act on it was too much and took too long, so I'd catch myself).

I also log off any tumblr that I'm following people on that post NSFW, porn, sexual stuff or anime stuff if necessary - just like how I log off any tumblrs where I follow political blogs if I'm getting overwhelmed by that. But it is still good to have a tumblr for NSFW stuff, to have somewhere that you can express certain things, reblog things, feel less alone, enjoy things that you enjoy - don't demonize the side of you that likes sex, don't lock it in a cell in the back of your head, just tell it that it can't control you.

I'm also working on not putting myself in as many situations that can make me feel like I'm being too flirty or as many situations that cause too many uncomfortable or sexual thoughts at a time when they're stressing me - like, I don't come online as much when I'm drunk now, I don't have as many sleepovers, and I don't tend to maintain physical contact for as long (like, I don't hold hands as often as I used to), for example.

That said, you can't live out your life hiding from people who your brain might think something sexual about - isolating yourself is unhealthy. Humans are social creatures and social interaction is good for us, talking to people about our problems is good for us, distractions and fun are good for us. I find structured social plans make things easier - so, I like plans like "lets cook together then eat the awesome meal", "lets go see a movie", "lets go to the town center and taste hot chocolate from as many cafés as we can before I puke", "lets go to the fair" and things like that (that said, agoraphobia is awful and ruins like 90% of my social interaction). Keep people in your life who you're comfortable with and who make you happy.

Remember that what you're thinking or mental images that pop into your head aren't evil, it doesn't mean that you have a crush on them, that you actually want to do sexual things with them, that you can't be their friend, or anything like that... they're just thoughts. You didn't choose them. Just let them pass.

Your surroundings and triggers are incredibly important things to stay on top of though, be that to mitigate stress in social situations, or to prevent you from engaging in more sex/masturbation than you want to or than is safe for you to.

Don't spend your day in the same place that you masturbate - even if you don't live alone you can avoid being in bed when you're in your room, you could get a sofa, beanbag, comfy chair, gigantic cushion, or other comfortable place to sit in your bedroom so that you don't have to be in your bed, and put that in a part of your room with different posters/decoration to those around your bed.

Lots of things can become associated with certain behaviours in your brain, from sitting in a certain place to feeling a certain emotion. Try to avoid being too exposed to those things at times when you don't intend to be doing something sexual, and replace them with other things that make you happy, keep you distracted, and aid in training concentration and willpower (maths games, board games, card games, puzzles, reading, cooking, exercise, drawing, writing, etc).

Even things like separating any porn or sexual pictures in your phone into a hidden folder instead of having it pop up when you go to look for pictures, or keeping magazines or the pornhub bookmark out of sight, can really help with lessening the regularity with which things pop into your head.

Finally, and I've hinted at it throughout this, mindfulness and meditation are things that many addicts find incredibly helpful. It's really worth doing some googling, watching some YouTube videos, and learning those techniques (and it's good to be doing research in general into ways to help addictions or hypersexuality disorders, because there are quite a few schools of thought and there are probably a lot of things that I've missed).

Meditation, like reading and exercise, helps train your mind into maintaining focus, not reacting to distractions and urges, relaxing, letting thoughts pass by, and being less hectic and loud - it also has health benefits, can help you sleep, can help you take time from your busy schedule to yourself (an urge that may have been previously feeding the addictions instead, as they can be linked to a need for control), and can help you work through thoughts or anxieties.

Mindfulness helps in various ways too - for example, smokers found that being mindful (observing, essentially) helped them quit because it led to them paying more attention to how bad the cigarette tasted, and it also allowed them to non-judgmentally observe the cravings that they felt, observe why they were feeling those cravings, and allow them to pass by. It's about letting your thoughts exist, letting things exist, acknowledging them, but not letting them control you.

You can study mindfulness for yourself - research it online, read one of the many books about it, watch YouTube videos, etc - or you can go to the doctor and ask for a therapy that teaches mindfulness (I found learning about it in my own time more helpful, and have had more success with that, but I think that was mostly related to not having a great therapist - plus, online gives me more opportunities to look into the how and why, to see how other people do it, to look deeper into it, to take as long as I need, while therapy was just an elderly lady snapping at me for using my phone and telling me to imagine that my thoughts are clouds and distracting me constantly).

So yeah...

Step 1: Go to the doctors for that pain, it's probably something minor but it's better safe than sorry.

Step 2: Do more research, Mod Vape doesn't know everything.

Step 3: Keep a diary and try to isolate what things are triggering you, what you're feeling beforehand, and be mindful of what you're thinking, what you're feeling, and what you're gaining/losing from the experience.

Step 4: Try to keep yourself away from things that trigger you, but also remember that you don't have to entirely abstain from valuable things - you can train new reactions as responses to those things, you can work on self-control, and so on.

Step 5: Work on your routine, diet, exercise, habits, and hobbies, so that you can improve your willpower, motivation, and health.

Step 6: Research and practice meditation and mindfulness.

Step 7: Set and work towards small goals, rewarding yourself for successes and keeping track of your progress.

Step 8: If you can't control the addiction or behaviour, if the thoughts are becoming difficult to live with, if these problems continue to cause you distress, there is no shame in seeking professional help. You don't have to do this alone.

Remember that chemical imbalances and other neurological issues can cause such things - if you can't manage it alone, that could be a warning sign that something serious or physiological is going on. Not being able to quit doesn't necessarily mean that somebody's "not trying hard enough", and instead of beating yourself up talk to somebody who can do blood tests, scans, or whatever else is necessary to make sure that you're okay and that you overcome your struggles.

~ Vape

[mikazukikannagisjourney]

Finding Your True Self in the Quantum Field - A Personal Log (Timeless)

This is just something personal that I had to log here, you don’t actually have to read this one if you’ve been to the post that came before this. Again, I mostly write stuff for myself, in the event that I need a reminder, a refresher on how much I have grown and still need to grow into. It’s hard to be my own cheerleader but at least, even for a bit, I am now getting a hang of this awakening and ascension thingy. Sure, it’s still a welcome idea to receive feedback or good vibes from others, but I am all about empowerment, and doing that by yourself, for yourself, is simply the expression of the greatest love of all: Learning to love yourself.

Alrighty then, personal explicit sh** after the cut. Jump at  your own risk, I am not liable if this post triggers you lol

And if you’re still reading this, it’s all on you lol

I gave plenty of warnings that this is pretty much raw, unstructured and full of cussing so don’t complain or go tl;dr or so help me glob arrrgh

OK now that’s out of the way...

I initially felt a strong need to make this post actually, not make the previous post about quantum jumping. But hey, the universe works in mysterious ways, so maybe that one can reach out to those who actually needed a new lease in life. And now that I’ve written that one, it’s time to let this one out. For myself, should I lose my way again, and maybe for other people who are still feeling trapped in this annoying AF 3D reality full of anger, fear, pain, worry, disease, and all the low vibrational crap that actually, are being released and healed out of the mass consciousness.

I’m not operating on an egoistic standpoint here, I mean, really, I have no right to tell people what to do or how they should feel, they’re already of legal age, I’m just here to give suggestions, alternate ways of thinking, really crazy ideas that might just give the appropriate results. Or just simply tickle the imaginations of people, at the very least. Other than that, I am only here to bring forth the love from the universe, the infinte realm of all possibilities, the energies channeling from the quantum fields that cross all boundaries of time, space, dimensions, realities, timelines, lifetimes, and all that razzmatazz lol

But even though I lol at that, to be honest, I was not in the best place in my life, for quite a while, since the year started. Yeah, sure, I did my best at distracting myself, escaping what needs to be done, and by the middle of April I felt even worse than last year, to think I thought that the worst parts of my life was over... Here comes PANDEMIC-CHAN.. Sheesh.. 

Well, that lead to more contractions, more depressive states, darker thoughts aka wanting to escape the physical body... And I haven’t even started with the material stuff yet. Let’s just say that this year’s Dark Night of the Soul has also merged with the fears in the collective. I had to hold so much, not just mine, but everyone else’s. So again, I started escaping, but this time with the intent to increase my vibrations to attract something substantial and material in my life. I was really, really on the edge, and hunger was looming over my head. I didn’t want to get hungry, that brings back so much pain from the past, I didn’t just felt deprived of love and warmth, I was hungry a lot, as a child, and I have yet to heal that part of myself completely. Plus the fact that I got even further derailed from what I was supposed to be doing aka the spiritual ascension thingy stuff..

But I told myself that maybe, this time around, I have to let the universe help me, to be the receiver of gifts. This was one hard decision I had trouble letting go of: FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN. If I could only believe that the unknown bears more gifts, maybe I could have opened myself to better opportunities, more choices, more love... But no, I just kept distracting myself, in any way that I can. I was a dumbass, all the way until something knocked me off of that trajectory.

For some weird reason, despite the heat, I was called to do something random:

Collecting flowers from the yard. Just one type though, a weird hibiscus flower that blooms yellow in the morning until noon, then becomes orange and finally red in the late afternoon. This was around the middle of April, and my back pain was back in full swing, the flareup was incredible but since I’m fully aware of what it was, I figured out that I just needed an outlet for all that pent-up energy. And slowly but surely, my back pain started becoming bearable, I could stoop down and pick the tiny flowers, plop them in a little bowl, and add that to my quarters.

Sure, it wasn’t much, but with each day that I did it, something amazing happened for me.

I began reconnecting with nature, in a way that felt like I was a toddler again. Dragonflies started popping up, butterflies started stopping by my passionflower vines (RIP that plant, it died due to a fungal pathogen T_T), I started getting attuned to my dogs again, and somehow, I started cultivating a sense of peace.

It was that moment when I realized that... After all this time, I always had a choice on how to be happy. And even though I was in a lot of 3D problems, I still had a choice, to be happy with even the smallest of things. So I figured out, if I can’t be happy with the large stuff, I’ll just be happy and grateful for what I have. A roof over my head, food to eat, pets to love, friends that actually keep in touch even once a year, internet connection, and getting to eat junk food even once a week. For some people these may sound mundane, but looking back, me being in a depressive state and doing my best to enjoy these things, in a way, I was able to get some sort of happiness in my life. I mean, sure, I could do with more stuff but with whatver I had in that moment, I just did my best to relish everything.

It felt weird and it was out of my comfort zone. I constantly wanted to seek thrills, new experiences, all the stuff I wanted in my misspent youth. Yet here I was, gathering flowers in the evenings, looking at the stars at night, and getting tiny heartquakes seeing a shooting star slice through the night sky. I give zero fucks for sounding dramatic there, but honestly, I was already at the point of no return. 

I suddenly had the strong urge to be my truest self. Including the parts that I had to suppress because other people didn’t like them.

That includes the dramatic, overly-emotional piece of yandere shit that sent my ex off flying. Too bad for him though, he thought I was a tsun-tsun(dere) for a long time, and now that I think about it, the disgusted and disappointed look on his face when he realized and told me I wasn’t tsun-tsun, I was a fucking yandere, bwahahaha that just hit the nail on the coffin for me. We weren’t meant to be together for so long. I wasn’t the tsun-tsun aloof and cold-hearted merciless girl I tried to be for the world, I was a weakass bitch, a bulldozer that ran over anything that stood in my way, an insecure moron who readily gives in to emotions which, I later found out was just my natural tendency to be empathic towards other people, so in a way, my psychic senses were still functioning properly despite all that anxiety that was running through my veins.

Speaking of psychic, I wasn’t even aware that I still had my gifts. I just thought that reading the pasts of people were normal and then blurting them out randomly was a fun way of breaking the ice with strangers. But after having to do that again, in various settings, with different people, I just had to accept that what I thought were psychic gifts, the normal stuff that mass media shows to the public, were not what I thought they would be. I got the subtle-ended stick, no seeing of spirits with my actual eyes, rather, I was feeling the deemahns of other people. I was seeing them for who they truly are, without filter, and I was just acting out accordingly. So whether I rubbed them the right or wrong way, either way, it was a way of uncovering the layers of masks that they wore, until they finally show their truest selves without any hesitation.

This made me feel like I was born to be an agent of chaos, which shouldn’t be a bad thing since chaos is an actual entity: it’s the darkness where everything comes from, the void of the unknown, the endless realm of all possibilities, which does not follow any kind of order known to man whatsoever. The cradle of everything that ever was, and ever shall be.

I still feel horrible for doing so, but at the same time I have also come to accept that at some point, people should just live their lives in their best truth, to be who they are, and even if I was able to allow people to be who they truly are and accept them as is, I was very stingy with myself.

And after that, I started getting angry again. With myself, with the universe, with the higher realms.

I was still, and yet have to get my own breakthrough. I was still feeling cooped up, constricted, choked up, my heartsong was still left unsung. But then again, I HAD ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK THAT WAS.

Why am I even here at this point?

I’m not here to just watch people succeed. I deserve that shit for myself too, damn it.

And, well, the need to get somewhere, anywhere became super strong. I came back to doing what I thought I did well at: Studying lol But really, I started reviewing my N4 materials, and after several months of just staring at them, I just tried studying, reviewing, with the intent to regain the skills I lost due to life happening for me. I finally understood more from the notes. What I learned felt a lot more rich, I wasn’t just cramming to pass an exam, I was learning this language, with the hopes that I could not only talk to other people, but to bring out the gifts of these people out into the world.

I don’t give a fuck if the fetuses would call me weeb at this point, do I look like I even care? They can’t shame me out of existence, the boomers never could in the past, so why would I even let these future boomer 2.0′s do that to me? I was trained to be bold and shameless for such a purpose lol

Well not all of them are like that, but some are just so judgmental so I had to put that wall up. Mostly to assert my rights to be what I want to be, it’s not like I kill or hurt people living this kind of life. 

So again... Moving back to the topic of finding myself in the quantum field...

I started re-living my life when I was still taking Japanese language classes.. I didn’t just enjoyed and engaged with the learning process, I also found valuable lessons with my classmates. Turns out that as long as I KNOW I can, I don’t mind doing something alone. Some people just die even thinking of doing a solo hobby, and here I was, opening up to something that I haven’t done before: go to a class where I didn’t know anybody. I ended up enjoying that journey, like literally I had to take a 5-hour bus ride one way just to go to that 3-hour class, then go home again, so I basically travelled a total of 10 hours, once a week, for 6 months.

That gave me just enough energy to properly study my old material. I got to relearn things that I have forgotten, and that gave me a sense of accomplishment. So I started translating in... Japanese livestream chatboxes. A thankless job, which I did to improve my listening skills. Turns out I ended up in mostly Kansai-dialect streams, so not only did I became sensitive to differences in inflections but also in conjugations of verbs and whatnot. That was a fleeting yet memorable experience, and the only thing that made me stop was getting tired all the time lol

So after about 2 months I stopped doing it, though I still watch raw stuff every now and then to brush up, and I focused mostly on translating texts, because Kanji scares the shit out of me. I mean, that has been my waterloo ever since I discovered the SKIP method some 17 years ago. So my next focus was to learn as much Kanji as I could, even just the basic meaning of each one. In a way, bit by bit, I started building up the skills I needed to properly translate texts. I guess it went OK, so I was able to build up my comprehension skills from 20% to about 50%. Not bad, just enough to enjoy raw texts.

I just kept this momentum of following what I instinctly wanted to do, and I know that it has served me well as a child, so I figured maybe I can make that work for me. In the weirdest of ways, it did. I suddenly felt that I could at least see some chances for me to get someplace, wherever that was. Even though the road seems bleak, I could see something far beyond, and that helped me get up each day, even though I was dead-tired all the time.

By the time that June has ended, I felt like I lived yet another lifetime doing stuff I didn’t know I could do. I think it was also around that time that I started gaining confidence on going online in Tetris 99, and getting to at least top 20 consistently, even though I could only do Tetris clears and making T-spins was such a bitch lol Say what you want to say, but I don’t like straining my eyes so me choosing to start playing something like that, I guess I felt a bit better about myself. I didn’t learn the whole thing as fast as I wanted to be, and I have yet to get Tetris Maximus in Invictus Mode because I kept dying at #2 but the fact that I actually built some sort of self-confidence that I can learn something new, it felt refreshing for me. Maybe next year I’d have more confidence with Super Smash Bros lol just kidding that game hurt my eyes so much I don’t know if I can, right now. My eyes are very important to me so I do my best to take care of them. Also they don’t have Pancake boi in there bahahaha

When July came around, everything felt like a blur. I was doing so much stuff at the same time, I was just in a flurry with everything, and I was becoming more hopeful despite the COVID stats on the news. Well, I do have a background on epidemiology so I didn’t panic much. I did my best to send Reiki though, even though I felt dead-tired and drained a lot. I just opened up to the infinite realms, and at that time, I had no idea it was the right moment to do that. Turns out that there has been a great Karmic release around July, so all of the excess baggage that needs to be freed were coming up to the surface. My abandonment issues kept popping up so I went from there, and I felt the heavens open up.

Yeah, sure, there were days I kept crying while doing active meditations but I did my best to clear as much as I can at the time. It felt amazing when I was able to release that much suppressed shit in my body. My stomach started feeling better, I improved my breathing, and I saw that my face was becoming more and more relaxed. I’d even do finger guns in front of the mirror because I was feeling myself a lot. My depressed and insecure self could have been so appalled that it shut up lol but I was in the zone, I never felt so alive and free. Yet I was still stumpy, squishy, soft and rounded on the outside. In the eyes of society, I was still undesirable, an outlier to what is deemed “beautiful”. But I was already at a point where I just don’t care anymore, I’m beautiful no matter what, so suck it, society lol

This lead to more weird events, the best and weirdest so far was channeling my departed friends. Ghost month was about to set in but I totally forgot about that, so it felt weird when I started seeing the smiling faces of my friends. Except for that one who rarely did, we always argued about anything else other than work or tasks when he was still alive. But ever since he joined my spiritual team, he has always been frowning, always, for 17 years. He was aloof, he stayed away from me. He always wore that sad look on his face, the last day I saw him alive. I thought he should have been happy, he has a pretty girl beside him that seemed to be so glad and stuff. But his reaction when he saw me happily skipping like the dumbass that I was, it was very unnerving, and to this day it still haunts me like hell. Sometime after that, I was talking to my “twin brother” (we were both born on the same day and year lol) and he subtly hinted something about that other dude, that he hates me or something. Again, I felt unsettled because despite the fact that twin bro was normally honest about things, he kept this one to himself. Of course, I didn’t ask what it was about, I just sniffed the air and knew what it was. I hated what info came through and just denied that shit all the way through.

The information that came then, was the same one that the departed dude started yelling at me, and I didn’t expect it. I was having fun with the other dead peeps lol and at some point this guy just blurted out stuff, that I was meant to know when he was still alive. I feel horrified, because I didn’t want to know those things. But no, he just had to say it out loud. Aside from other stuff that he didn’t dare admit when he was still alive, he didn’t want me to get together with that other guy, who is now my ex. From the other side of the veil, he has been giving me signs, not to fall for this guy. He was steering me off-course, but to no avail. I wasn’t the best thinker at that time, I was insecure about myself, I was pretending to be someone else, and because like attracts like, I ended up with someone who as also pretending to be someone else. That shit was so messed up but now that I think about it, I still exercised my free will, and part of that was actually Karmic so maybe that’s one reason why despite the warnings, I went ahead. I had no regrets now, even though that entire relationship has yet to be cleared out of my body. But at least I have so much hope now, knowing that my dearly departed peeps are just over there, eating my junk food and plopping on my bed along with my guides. And also, I have more hope than ever before that in this lifetime, I’ll find my true north node partner, even though the thought of getting into a relationship and getting married to that guy still scares the shit out of me. I’m just opening myself up to the heavens, to the divine realms, to the infinite possibility fields of the quantum universe. Where time does not exist.

I guess my strangest breakthrough was the eve that Ghost month was going to end. I was at my lowest, I was feeling so much pain, because I caused pain to someone else. It was a heartbreak on a soul level, and words just couldn’t describe the pain that I felt, and how much pain I caused to this person. That part was my own undoing, and I do not expect that person to ever forgive me for being brash and overly-bulldozing. I was really, really doing my best to stay together, at that point. I was losing grip, starting to fall back on the dark thoughts, and yet somehow, I did one thing different:

I dared the universe to show me how much I was loved, how much I was worthy, to give back to me all of the love that I ever put forth ten fold, a hundred fold, a million fold, to make me feel that I am so deserving of all the gifts and blessings of the divine realms. I just needed one step, one instruction on what to do.

It wasn’t much, I just needed to listen to the radio for an hour. OK, cool, I have been doing that a lot for a while now. So listen to the radio I did. And then, it felt like a chilling breeze, I felt so much energetic surge, it was so surreal. I felt so much love, energetic hugs, I felt I was being squished and I was loving it. Mind you, I was just lying down and listening to songs, but it felt so real, I don’t know how to react, so I just gave in. And then, flashes of my life living at the foot of a dormant volcano started popping up. It didn’t even include living with the ex, it was the sum total of all the times I ever gave away my love, and me receiving that love in so many ways, shapes, and forms. I felt ecstatic. For an entire hour, the dense energies of regret and sorrow got flushed out of me. I felt even more hopeful, more tingly, more giddy, it was definitely something new. 

I was still on a high for about an hour more after that experience. Sure, I still had vivid dreams, and my sleep was still insufficient, but I had enough energy to wake up still feeling so much joy, despite the fact that I did stupid things. I felt no regret, I felt so clear, I felt that I was being my authentic self. And that was so unsettling, I was used to the dark, of feeling like an endless pit full of sorrow and pain, yet less than half of that remains. I don’t know what came over me, and weirdly, my departed peeps started cooling down. Due to Ghost month ending? Me getting a breakthrough somehow? I really don’t know but they seem to be in good shape despite decreasing the racket lol

I wanted more of this nice stuff so I asked the universe how to make more similar experiences. I was told to do the same thing, just listen to the radio, but this time choose what songs I wanted to hear. So I did, I wanted to feel pretty, wanted, loved, cuddled, all that disgustingly-gooey romantic crap that I never got to have because I kept denying to myself that I love that trash. But now that I have fully accepted that gooey, icky, yandere-dere part of me, the energy that coursed through me was really strong, I felt that the energetic hug got so tight I thought my soul was gonna pop out. But no, it didn’t. I got maxed out with the tingles though lol

And this part where I deliberately chose what to listen to became rather amusing yesterday. I was tuning in to one radio station as I was sending Hooponopono to the friend that I caused pain to, to help clear the energies off, and then flashes of my miraculous encounters when I watched Goo Goo Dolls live three years ago started popping up in my head. All of a sudden, this song came up on the radio and I had a laugh. It wasn’t my absolute fave, but it was a classic. Three songs and two stations later, I switched and lo and behold, this song came up again. I was like what the fuck is this lololol It was like the universe was telling me what I was thinking exactly and I lol-ed more.

I had that much mindless fun in the afternoon, and I was about to let that whole incident slide, and I would have if this song didn’t came up on the radio again later in the night, yet another station. It shook me deep inside, and I asked the universe, is this mine or someone else’s? The answer is yet to be known. And however the answer comes to me, I am scared of whichever way that goes.

I wish I could say that these were all just stuff in my head, but they weren’t. Even more so when I had the same stuff happen, consecutively, with yet another song. I felt even more uncomfortable, and it doesn’t help that my forehead starts feeling cold despite my thick bangs covering most of it. I’m scared, but at the same time, I am still doing my best in opening up to the infinite realms of the universe. And still willing to receive the energetic hugs, headpats, and cheek pinches from the quantum field. That doesn’t calm down the nerves though lol but hey, at least I know where to get the stuff to fill my needs, even if it’s just a day at a time. I don’t know where I’ll go to from here, but at least I now have an idea on how to move forward, one way or another, and for that, I am truly grateful.

I used to think that I was cursed to be slow in manifesting what I wanted in all areas of life, but when I started dealing with these energies from the quantum field, it was uncannily fast. This was the proof that I needed to tell myself that I had that power within me, to remind myself of who I was. I was a being of pure love from Source, who came here to channel the unconditional love from the cradle of life towards those who needed it the most.

And I’m writing this to remind myself through the passage of time, that even though right now, I have less than what I would want myself to be, I am counting on the fact that because I am still within the field of infinite possibilities, I am worthy enough to be and have whatever I wanted. I just need to go home, back to who I really am, and owning that part of myself because I am worth it.

Lastly, I write this for everyone who feels like they’re losing their way, because it’s easy to forget where we needed to go. Please know this: There’s no right or wrong way to live your life, just be who you are meant to be, and live that kind of life without hurting any other, including yourself. You were placed on this planet to bring miracles to an otherwise desolate piece of rock, and you deserve all the magic that the universe holds for you.

You are loved, so much more than you can imagine, and it’s time to tap into that birth right we were all meant to have.

Love and hugs, fam.

[chandraflorey0-blog]

karups galleries everyday - Dirty Facts About Karups Free Pictures Revealed

Naturally, I accepted the invitation. A few days after our first encounter, I got a text karup girls from Nancy asking if I wanted to karups free porn go to a concert with her and her friends, a couple of whom I knew (The Toadies were the headliners, for anybody who knows/cares). This entry is a continuation of my fling with Nancy, a high school karups karup karups mom dreams private History teacher with a killer body and an insanely [empty] hot little fuck.

Throughout the concert we flirted, drank, and after a handful of drinks, eventually found a corner and made out intensely. For posterity's sake, Nancy is 31 years old, half latina-half white, 5'3", 120lbs, 36C breasts, and a marvelous ass. Part 1 can be found here. Once the concert was done, she took me up on my offer to drive her home. I pushed her blouse off and kneaded her fleshy tits through her tank top, making her sigh heavily. Instead of fighting to pull out into traffic, I left the car in park, leaned over the center console and pulled her to me, kissing her strongly, both of our tongues immediately darting out and exploring. The parking lot was log-jammed with probably a thousand people trying to leave at once. She was also wearing a tank top that accentuated her big tits, an unbuttoned checkered blouse over it, and cowboy boots. There was no talking or laughing on the drive back to her apartment - just a heavy, sexual silence and I was too horny to wait. Nancy was wearing those extremely short cotton shorts, the type where if you looked from just the right angle you could see the bottom contour of her ass. I kissed her neck softly and placed my hand on her thigh, lightly digging my finger nails into her inner thigh. This time running my hand down her body and unbuttoning her shorts. I reached over while driving and squeezed her tits again. Before I got too far, Nancy asked that we save the fun for her bedroom. After some difficulty, I was able to push her shorts down enough to run two fingers along her pussy lips. She wasn't wearing any panties. I pumped them in and out a few times, making her buck and scream loudly. Think Christina Aguilera with brown hair. I grazed her clit and easily sunk two fingers inside her wet cunt. Still on the highway, she gave me incredible road head, slurping my cockhead and swallowing my shaft easily. After three or four minutes, I was losing focus and and still driving at 70mph, so I begged her to ease up until we got to her place. I pulled them out and, in a moment of kink, offered them up to her lips. She moaned and sucked them clean. We kissed fiercely and I pulled off her tank and bra. In one motion, she unbuckled herself, pushed my hand back towards the steering wheel, and freed my cock from my shorts. She laughed, called me a pussy (rightfully so) and stroked my cock the entire way, stopping only when she could tell I was going to lose it. She sighed seductively and leaned back in the seat. We got to her place and darted straight to the bedroom. I could feel the heat from her pussy. I pushed my fingers deep and spread them inside of her. I leaned down and sucked her nipples for a bit - sucking one, lightly rolling the other, alternating - and reached down and fingered her at the same time. I tore my clothes off and fell down on top of her. I pushed her shorts down as far as they could fall, pushed her onto the bed, and pulled them over and off of her boots. Some of you probably know that cowboy boots can be pretty difficult to get off in the throes of fuckking. She pulled me by my ass, urging me to fuck her face, so I did (because duh. I got on my knees and moved up to her face, kissing her and letting her taste herself, and then offering her my cock again. I couldn't wait any longer. As she got close to an orgasm, I pushed myself down and licked her clit for no more than a minute before she was clamping her thighs around me, shuddering, and flooding my mouth with her wet pussy. I rolled on a condom and pulled her to the edge of the bed, on her back, with her ass barely hanging off. ) I rubbed her clit the entire time until I could feel her moaning around my cock again. I held her legs up by her boots and pounded her pussy as hard as I could, slapping my balls against her. She immediately grabbed it by the shaft and pulled it deep into her mouth. She reached down and began rubbing her clit again. clenching her teeth and urging me. I took the gamble that I didn't last time and smacked her her ass as best I could from that angle, leaving a little rosy mark. She screamed and began convulsing immediately as she set off into another oragasm. As her tits shook, she kept looking at me and begging me to fuck her harder and faster. submitted by ntxthrowaway [link] [comment] I pulled out and collapsed next to her, trying to take in what was one of the hottest fucks I've had. Within a few moments I was cumming intensely, filling up the condom. In case you loved this short article and you would like to receive details about hot female models nude i implore you to visit the internet site.