#and now it's like 6am so IT'S TIME FOR BED
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Visit Tumblr Blog
Explore Tumblr blogs with no restrictions, modern design and the best experience.
Last Seen Tumblr Blogs
Fun Fact
1,644 Tumblr posts in 1 second.
Text
Back on my bs!!! It’s been a hot second since I’ve painted anything but apparently jet lag is deeply inspiring cuz I’m out here painting on planes and having a great time. My tablet pen nib is so worn out there’s a hole in it but I was still like ‘oooough gotta draw’
#in this house we thank mx. gradient map for the tasty colors#thank you mx. gradient map#I’m so tired it’s like 6 am and I’ve hopped three countries in four days#posting this now so it’s out at a reasonable time in the US but it’s like 6am rn in Japan where I am#and I went to bed at 2am. press F#anyways hello I still love the Trickster#I really thought to myself ‘I’ll paint someone who is covered in stripes’#and I did and didn’t even hate it. wild#the Trickster’s beauty carries me through LOL#Trickster#Kooza#Cirque du Soleil#Cirque du Soleil Trickster#my art
97 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#Howwwww is it 5am already I want to go home#I begged my parents and sibling to let me go home to my own bed and they wouldn't let me#I don't want to be the solution to our family problems I want to go be alone and not here#I understand me being around more would make our parents nicer and give my siblings someome sane to talk to#But I want to die and I don't want to be here and I don't care about any of these people#Once again them forcing me to go to their house made me miss an assignment. So that class is genuinely failed now.#It makes me so frustrated I could cry. Every time I say I'm doing school work#Or say I can't drop everything and drive forty minutes to their house. they laugh at me#They genuinely laugh and say I'm such a liar and I'm faking and there's no way I ever do any school work#I'm actually shaking I'm so frustrated they don't understand. That's how long it takes me.#Why can't they just realize I'm a dumbass fucking idiot. I'm so fucking stupid#I'm literally so stupid. Intellectually I'm a fucking idiot and I am so useless and slow.#Stop trying to believe I have potential to fucking waste#The fact is there is no potential but I'm fucking wasting anyway#I'm so. Dumb. When I say I'm doing school work I mean I looked at the tab and got nervous about how overdue#everything is and how I'm failing and everyone wants me to leave my safety for their own inane bullshit#I wouldn't be failing this class at all if I had been able to complete the first week on time#instead of like. sitting outside a convention center alone and in agony for Five (5) hours.#Kudos to the devil for creating the exact perfect circumstances to kill me in particular#I should reach out and go to a friend's house and it would be good for me. But.#There's no way I'm going to see or speak to anyone in this state of everything#Everyone else around me seems to have improved in mental health I'm not going to ruin that by making them let me come over#No one really believes any of the problems I have like even I don't. how are you that stupid. just stop having these problems.#I can't go to a friend's house when I have problems like this. Last time I had a breakdown and scared the fucking host and#their partner had to be the one to comfort me because I was crying too loud for autistic ears :(#I can't do that to anyone again#I'm not kidding when I say I'm a huge burden genuinely I exist to be upsetting and inconvenient and frustrating#I am literally the most selfish person to ever have existed. Just objectively. I don't care about anyone or anything at all.#I don't love my friends or my family and I don't care about what they want or need. truthfully.#I just want to sit in my tiny room where nothing changes and no one expects me to drive anywhere holy fucking shit it's 6am
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Every time something good happens I crash and burn afterwards and feel so depressed. I wish it wasn't that way.
#it's probably just that things aren't very good generally and being reminded how it could be for a second makes what's normal extra painful#*things being very meh for long stretches of time* *experiencing real happiness for a sec* *back into the black hole you go*#the contrast is unbearable.#i wish the baseline was better.#it sucks to go to bed feeling sad and to wake up with it being so much worse.#I wish I was better at sleeping because I'd go back to sleep now if I could.#bad side effect of it being like this is that it makes a person afraid of the rare good things because of the black hole that comes after#and I guess it also causes grief because of all the time that's lost to the black hole. Which makes it all the more depressing.#i don't know what to do with myself when it's like this. it's not a state of mind in which I'm able to do anything at all#feelings are always so loud. it's impossible to be distracted from them. task inertia increases by 200%#the day hasn't even started yet. it's 6am. could do with not waking up from sleep because of my entire body feeling the sadness too much#... I'll figure something out. I always do. but I'm so tired.
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
the other day i was cleaning out my stuff again to declutter again and I found a really old list of reasons why I wanted to stop smoking back in like. 2018. it was so sad. i didn't take picture and it was actually a few weeks ago but it was just so clear it had such a hold over me and still kinda does
#im getting better thooo#i only smoke a few times a day. maybe three at most#most days i forget to#esp on the weekends#i just completely forget#and also when i smoke at night now I just feel so sick#so so fucking sick#i close my eyes and it feels like Im spiraling downwards out of control#i literally live out my real username#it hurts so bad#besties i grew up with sotmach issues my whole life and with headaches and nausea all the time#i hate it#and it makes me like that#when i close my eyes#as im trying to sleep#but if i dont smoke before bed then i staay up till 4-6am#but i do that anyway#idk#it ruins yourlife actually
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
i think periods should be optional. give me a settings update and let me fucking opt out
#txt#to be deleted/#LOVE waking up at 6am with cramps so earth shatteringly awful i can barely even get out of bed to grab meds for it#hard to even think straight i wish it wasn't like this !! but it's been like this for like 2 years now every fucking month#hghghgh. time to distract myself til meds work by doomscrollinng tumblr !
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
nightmare shift today
#it was national overdose awareness day. and boy was i aware of the overdoses !!!#went thru 8 naloxone kits in 8 hours#i got off at 3am and went to the gym and then realized i took the spare van keys home w me by accident so i had to bike back to work#in time for the morning shift team . and then i went to a diner at 6am and the waiter tried to chat me up#except within the first 5 minutes he expressed disapproval for universal basic income and said 'at least where i'm from in mexico kids will#do tricks or dance or work to get handouts from people' like bro what . no#anyways it was funny. at first i wasn't sure but then he mentioned that he's single and gets off at 7am like 5 different ways#it's now 8am and i'm going to bed so i can do it all over again in 9h <3#pegasus speaks
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
the way my body just refuses to fall asleep any night before im back to work after 2+ days off… why
#I’ve never had insomnia in my life#and now it’s like I worry I won’t get enough sleep to feel good for work the next day so my body reads that as anxiety#and I can’t fall asleep the entire night#it’s 6am and i just laid in bed with my closed drifting in and out of dreams since 10pm#that’s such bullshiiiiiit#like I’ve tried cbd to help with this#I fucking bought melatonin gummies#but nope#without fail the one night a week I will now never sleep on is Sunday#or in this case last night cause I was sick and had to take the last two days off#even keeping a consistent sleep schedule on the weekends doesn’t help#it’s getting fucking exhausting#the last time I slept for even a few hours on a night like this was bc I sobbed out of frustration and that made me tired enough to pass out#that ain’t good lmao#anyway idk what to do I’m probably going to quit my job soon because of how it’s affecting me outside of work#I actually love my job believe it or not#but I need to sleep#I’ve slept like a fucking baby the last like 8 nights too#so it’s literally just when I have to work the next day after I’ve been away for a couple days- weekends included#STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID#anyway I hope I’m not totally miserable today running on zero hours of proper sleep#happy wednesday#rant
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
the good news about this job is we can't work later than 4pm each day <3 the bad news about this job is that means we're starting at 7am each morning
#i used to work at 7 every day at my old job. i used to work at 4am at the bakery. but now. it is like a death sentence to me#which is so funny because i naturally wake up at like 6am regardless lafkdjalkjal#but also breakfast at this hotel doesn't even start until 6:30 so. i will see what i can cram before i have to leave ig#anyways. bed time.
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
Teensy bit of an fyi, but sometime next month? or so? My activity may change again! Work wants me to undergo training for Customer Service. What I'm guessing is that my activity will go up- I'll be training in mornings some days, and the job is more my style; i'm better at helping people than i am at idle talk, and will be less social up front in the meantime between calls, doing more shelving work in the back.
If i get morning shifts, I'll have all evening to do what I want, whether that be crash for a lil while, or RP~
#ooc.#i'm excited. there's a chance my activity might dip instead cause i might be doing some 6AMs. y'know the time i go to bed.#but boss promised the schedule would be reasonable and i believe him gsdsdf#i'm rlly good at flipping my sleep schedule tho jfdlsf#i have experience doing customer service work soooo...this should come more naturally#than standing @ the register pulling heavy groceries like 'so how was ur day.... :)' :|#we have more checkers so i think it's time for me to have a more 'adult' role now gdfgdhsf#my social battery will probably fill up cause I'll be of like. authority. professional asdf <3 i'm a phone guy#so i'm not worried abt telling ppl No. or anything similar
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
guys i am going to have a breakdown why do i have to be so boring and lame :[ i fucking hate having a job and school and shit
#some of the more Traditionally “Cool” ppl i know wanted to see if i wanted to spontaneously hang out rn. like. yes obviously#however. i am in bed. I've already taken my sleep med. i have to wake up to leave for work at FIVE AM.#so no. i can't be cool and interesting ive actually been regularly going to bed at like 7 fucking o clock which means#that i can't socialize at night like all of the interesting and normal teenagers and i also have no time to do any hobbies#just me rambling again#sorry to be fucked up on main (no im not this blog has been my diary since middle school 😔) but my number one very deep seeded insecurity#genuinely one of my biggest Things I'm Just Fucked Up About is. being “boring” or uninteresting or lame or not fun or .. you get the gist#so the fact that i go to sleep nowadays before 9pm most nights and have zero social life and zero romantic interests and barely even hobbie#doesn't help and sadly my dear friends trying to include me in something Remotely Interesting and my being too fucking boring and lame to#be able to participate in causing me to spiral :(#luckily the sleep med im waiting to kick in is also uncoincidentally a med meant to help me deal with anxiety attacks. so like. ill be fine#just a big insecurity ive found incredibly easy to trigger in the past few weeks unfortunately#i should have been more interesting in high school and snuck out and partied and did all the things#unfortunately i dedicated at least three years of that time dedicating every ounce of my being towards a person other than myself#so now i have to deal with bullshit like 6am shifts and college workloads and the fact that i am increasingly unlikely to#1) be invited to any “parties” and 2) be at a party where there *aren't* people literally doing coke#sigh. anyways
0 notes
Text
.
wow so apparently 30 tags is the limit, that's cool, not rereading any of that shit, the void can have it and my run on sentences
#im running on about 3.5hrs of sleep rn#i went to bed at 6am because i couldn't stop crying ig#god thats so pathetic#i have like 2 people that care about me#like actually care about me#my siblings all still live at home and my entire family forgets i exist#more often than you'd think#i only have one irl friend aside from my boyfriend and she's got her own shit#i used to share a bed with her and now im lucky if we exchange one message per month#my best friend is just Some Guy from the uk and he's 6hrs ahead so it's probably inconvenient for him to talk to me#and yeah maybe it's just my brain fucking with me#but i don't feel like a person#i feel like some vaguely human shaped alien or something#trying to decide if i should drop out of uni#if i do my boyfriend will probably break up with me though#he wants someone who can build a life with him#im not sure i even have a future#at this rate he's probably gonna drag me to the er to have a nice little vacation#surrounded by nursing staff and other patients#im too fuckin old for this shit#ive seen what life has to offer me#i just want out yknow?#all i am and all i will ever be is a personality disorder#summed up by 3 words:#dramatic#emotional#erratic#does that sound like a life worth fighting for?? ive done so so so much dbt and it's all been for nothing#just a complete waste of my time#my mood stabilizers aren't helping anymore either
0 notes
Text
idk if I’m gonna replay DT anytime soon but boy howdy I sure wish I could bc there’s stuff I wanna rotate
#it’s not bad I’m still marinating on it#plus the idea of doing some parts over again is kinda. not the vibe#while the first quests up until 94 were nice the first time through idk if I’m keen to sit through exposition again#i enjoyed them a lot but the mystery of the adventure and the character development#is kinda gone for me a second time#it’s not only in 14 I struggle w any kind of media that has that start to it#part of why I start watching howl’s moving castle after sophie leaves home#the yuk huy stuff can stay. and the mobbies#idk I’m stuck bc I wanna put together how eyrie and Alisaie’s friendship grows in DT#but first time through is all just plot on the brain#and now that I wanna go back and look at details my brain is a strainer#playing through it again would give more room for me to think about eyrie#beyond the fact that I’m incredibly glad they weren’t in charge bc despite how EW went in#*certain places they are still. a bit violent#wuk lamat’s level headedness saved so much#I still might shift some stuff around#dawntrail spoilers#like how eyrie would definitely have attacked zoraal ja in the throne room#or how galool ja ja + zoraal ja + bakool ja ja all picked up on eyrie’s unsettling vibe#there’s a certain je ne sais quoi of eyrie staring at people that makes them uncomfortable#anyway I’m spitballing here at 6am I’m going to bed goodnight#oc: eyrie kisne
0 notes
Text
i need to make art !!!!!! i need to sit down and surround myself with paper and pictures and make a fucking collage !!!! i need to put my degree in cutting and sticking to good fucking use !!! rid my brain of the evils of thoughts by making some pissing art !!!!!!
#sorry i’m like. fine and okay im just stressed and tired and overwhelmed in both a good and bad way all of the time atm#bc i am moving house but we haven’t got a house so i cant make art other than on my ipad for the rest of the month i do not have a desk i do#not have any supplies i need to make a fucking zine soooo bad#i also am considering applying for a residency thing at the uni i went to so i can use the resources and hold myself accountable and get#feedback from people that i know and like and trust#but that’s soooo scary bc what if they say no#what if i do a masters#who the hell does a masters in illustration be so fucking for real right now#i’m fine i bought two (2) NEW cds today can u believe that i spent money on physical media that wasnt second hand#i’m going to fucking bed i need to get up at 6am for work and im feeling evil about that too bc it’s a new job and it’s still a bit freaky
0 notes
Text
actually no fuck it I’m going full morning person. return to form
#yes these read like positive affirmations priest 😔#unfortunately that format lives in my head rent free#and I also need to Tell Myself I’m doing something in some real capacity or it doesn’t happen#nailing my positive affirmations to the door like Luther or some shit#anyway I’m doing actually getting up by 7 and out by 9 bc I miss mornings so bad and early morning is objectively the best time of day#7am isn’t even that bad as long as I go to bed on time like that’s 7 hours sleep which is honestly more than what I average anyway#also return to form is a phrase that has lived in my head since the penumbra podcast started using it for season 5#anyway I’m gonna go shower now and I WILL get my shit together now even if I have to be draconian about it until it’s a habit#bc I will enjoy it once it’s happened and it’s infinitely better for my mental health than This#luke.txt#update I realised that 9am out is actually a normal thing for people with jobs#SO 6am time I think I need something major anyway to have a big enough disturbance to the system for it to be felt#smth smth adaptive peaks hysteresis alternative stable states#I AM PUSHING THIS BOULDER OUT OF THIS VALLEY
1 note
·
View note
Text
I know my younger sister has issues and has since a child, but fuck why should we have to pussy-foot around her on Christmas under her threat of “fine, I’ll just fucking go then” if she’s going to spend her time in a dark room on her phone?? If it wasn’t Christmas and for mums sake and it being the only day of the year that the whole family is together, I would pull have said fine fuck off. I’ll have to ask her when she wakes up. Like, go to a psychologist and heal whatever trauma it is you got. You’re not the only one with issues here, and should you really be moving in with your younger suicidal sister if you’re going to flip and be nasty like that? “I don’t actually care about any of yous” well you do otherwise you would have blocked all our numbers, not talked to us at all and not bought us actually really thoughtful gifts.
And to cap the night off was a strong disagreement with dad over whether or not shooting and killing your otherwise perfectly healthy dog because they kill chickens or wander off on a scent trail is okay. I think you shouldn’t kill animals for being animals that need additional training but “this is a farm, nature is cruel, and you live and you die”.
#toothy talks#maybe I’m just tired from another late night and not enough sleep#I went to bed around 1am and woke up at 5am to pee and couldn’t get back to sleep and now it’s basically 6am#my sister literally flipped into a shitty mood when I finally walked into the kitchen coz mum told her she pulled out the wrong type of bin#liner and mum don’t say it meanly or rudely she litterally said “that’s the wrong one”#amd dad was pretty drunk by that point and had a double shot of rum and of cause became defensive#I never said “you haven’t trained those dogs enough but I think he caught the drift#and then people got shitty at me for getting out here at 6pm because it ‘held everything up’ but like the elder of my sisters could have#done her dog sitting duties before we got out there so it’s not my fault#and we need to factor in Jacob spending time with his family before literally spending the night 30 minutes out of town with my family#or maybe I’m just upset because my period is literally hours to days away and I’m just being hormonal and sensitive but I also think it’s#valid for me to feel the way I do fuck it I’m getting up to walk my dog#oh and this is my first fully sober Christmas that I’ve gone through and now it’s over and I don’t even have cigarettes to give me dopamine#hits. maybe I can ask Viv for one but I also don’t want to break my streak.
0 notes
Text
ig the silver lining here is that whenever i start getting rly pissy about my art progress i can always track it back to some other factor
like the kid next door to me making that fucking annoying bouncing sound nonstop
#seriously yall im getting so sick of this#it goes on for HOURS it starts sometimes at like 6am it regularly wakes me up#im like. hush. for the love of everything HUSH just STOP#sigh.#im p patient for a while but it's been going on for too long now and im all riled#puts my tablet away. time for a break.#my brother used to rock on his bed while he was asleep and im starting to wonder if that's what this is
1 note
·
View note