#it’s getting fucking exhausting
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the way my body just refuses to fall asleep any night before im back to work after 2+ days off… why
#I’ve never had insomnia in my life#and now it’s like I worry I won’t get enough sleep to feel good for work the next day so my body reads that as anxiety#and I can’t fall asleep the entire night#it’s 6am and i just laid in bed with my closed drifting in and out of dreams since 10pm#that’s such bullshiiiiiit#like I’ve tried cbd to help with this#I fucking bought melatonin gummies#but nope#without fail the one night a week I will now never sleep on is Sunday#or in this case last night cause I was sick and had to take the last two days off#even keeping a consistent sleep schedule on the weekends doesn’t help#it’s getting fucking exhausting#the last time I slept for even a few hours on a night like this was bc I sobbed out of frustration and that made me tired enough to pass out#that ain’t good lmao#anyway idk what to do I’m probably going to quit my job soon because of how it’s affecting me outside of work#I actually love my job believe it or not#but I need to sleep#I’ve slept like a fucking baby the last like 8 nights too#so it’s literally just when I have to work the next day after I’ve been away for a couple days- weekends included#STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID#anyway I hope I’m not totally miserable today running on zero hours of proper sleep#happy wednesday#rant
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>Join a union
>Hear people constantly complaining that the current union leadership is super corrupt, it's all just the same ten guys making all the decisions in secret and nobody else in the union ever gets to know what's going on
>Go to the monthly union meetings that are completely open to all 1200 union members
>The only attendees are the same ten guys every month, giving detailed reports about everything that's going on
#anyway this is why i'm the way i am about politics and people who advocate against 'participating in the system'#i am on my way to becoming one of the ten guys and frankly? it's fucking exhausting#i chatted with the union president afterwards and he got this haunted look in his eye#and was like 'i'm glad to see you getting involved but remember you can say no. you can always say no.#don't let anyone bully you into doing more than you want to. make time for yourself. YOU CAN SAY NO.'#which was good and much appreciated advice! but also. ominous
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in the hour or so it took me to draw this op turned reblogs off
EDIT: reblogs are STAYING OFF. op was right and correct and i have never regretted making a post as much as this one. if you want to reblog my art you can reblog something else from my blog. or commission me, lord knows i deserve financial compensation for the nightmare this post has put me through
#art#i had to block multiple people because of this post and i easily could have blocked more#do you guys have any idea how exhausting it is to hear 400 people make the exact same unfunny joke each thinking they're being original#or worry that another person might get harassed over a post i made because of the way people are talking about them#or be harassed/insulted YOURSELF because some people don't know how to fucking behave#you guys don't get reblogs back. you should be grateful i'm leaving the post up at all.
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“My vote doesn’t matter (so I’m gonna sit it out/vote third party/put a write-in protest vote)!”
Unfriendly reminder that Al Gore only lost Florida (and subsequently the entire 2000 election) by only 537 votes. Your vote absolutely fucking matters.
If y’all really, truly don’t want Trump/Republicans back in control than you better get out and vote down the ballot, especially if you live in an even remotely purple/swing state.
The MAGA voters will absolutely get out and vote, don’t let them out-do you.
#the defeatist bullshit I’ve seen on the left is goddamn exhausting#vote blue#get out and vote#LESS THAN 600 VOTES WOULD’VE SAVED US FROM BUSH BEING IN OFFICE#vote biden#fuck trump#fuck the gop#us politics
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Would you like to find out what you would be the god of? Take my new uqiz to find out
#uquiz#have fun with it please#assigning the 30+ results was fucking exhausting#you can get#spins wheel#mascots#emojis#longing#microelectronics#and so many more!#quiz#tag game#etc#mine#callisteios#i will add more answers. when I have inspiration and or energy#muted
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on a completely separate note; shizun luo binghe with a disciple shen yuan who fell into the abyss??? *thinks about LBH canonically stealing SQQ's corpse for 5 years* he'd hallucinate i think. like, like visual and audial hallucinations.
Keeps thinking he's seeing SQQ in the corner of his eyes, or wandering between the trees, amongst a group of disciples. Thinks he hears him calling for him, but its just the wind or another disciple.
Gets Xiu Ya reforged but patently fucking refuses to make a sword mound. Because his disciple Is Not Dead :))) There was No Body. He's Not Dead. And If You keep Insisting That He Is, He's Gonna Skewer You :). He's holding onto Xiu Ya so he can return his most favored disciple's sword when he returns. It's on his hip right next to Zheng Yang where it's supposed to be.
Also this motherfucker?? does not sleep btw. He has the image of SQQ, wide eyed and hysterical and standing at the mouth of the abyss burned into his fucking eyelids. Can't use the dreamscape to escape it either because he keeps trying to save him and either he does and it's an incredibly cruel trick to wake up to, or he doesn't and he gets his heart broken in several different pieces again.
There is no convincing this man that Shen Qingqiu is dead. Absolutely nothing at all. He is buried so deep in denial that moles would be jealous of how deep he is. He keeps making tea for two in the bamboo house only to remember that it's just him. SQQ's fans are hiding everywhere, little reminders of his presence. He goes to wake up SQQ on the mornings he sleeps in-- only to find the room empty.
#svsss#luo binghe#svsss au#scum villain#scum villian self saving system#shen yuan#shen qingqiu#disciple shen yuan#lbh. visibly exhausted and with twitchy eyes: im fine :) | everyone else: ho no the fuck you ARENT.#SQQ was hysterical not because he found out LBH was half-demon but bc he was having a long-awaited mental breakdown over his autonomy :)#or (limited) lack thereof. he was having a sudden onset crisis of mortality and was handling at quite literally the WORST time. oops#im thinking very hard that LBH would never push his disciple into the abyss especially with no system to force him to. so SQQ either#had to goad him into it (failing always) or throw himself in. he ended up doing it himself but not before some very impressive hysterics.#BUT ALSO. IF THIS HAD BEEN WHERE SQQ WAS THE HALF-HEAVENLY DEMON INSTEAD IT WOULD'VE BEEN SO GREAT.#and by great i mean horribly angsty bc SQQ is NOT doing too hot and has. in very SY-like fashion. convinced himself that LBH will kill him#when he finds out he's a demon. so when it comes out i have this mental image of him lunging at LBH and LBH flinches back. but SQQ wraps hi#hands around the blade of Zheng Yang and yanks it up so the tip of the blade is digging into his chest where is heart is. LBH can't yank th#sword away without risking slicing into SQQ's hands. SQQ's hair has fallen out of its tail/bun and is now messily spilling down his#back and its NO helping the kinda deranged look he has going on. he's visibly shaking and his eyes keep flittering away and back at LBH's#face. SQQ is looking at the messages from the system warning him that he has to go into the abyss or punishment will occur. he's like.#rambling though. talking about how shizun doesn't *like* unclean things and there is nothing more unclean than a demon. like he is#INSISTING. LBH can't?? get a fucking word in. actually. SY isn't listening that much either anyways. too overwhelmed with the system and#the amount of stress he's under and his crumbling mental state and the innate and primal desire to live even when he's standing in front of#his own executioner. it all ends with him sitting on the ground at the lip of the abyss with his hair falling in his face. he looks so#unkempt and fallen apart and so distinctly *non-Shen Qingqiu* that LBH feels physically ill over it. tears are streaming down SQQ's face#and despite everything he is smiling. its not a nice smile. its a very frayed falling apart at the seams about to crack smile.#he tells shizun not to worry about staining his blade with this disciple's filthy blood because this disciple will take care of it himself.#and then he falls into the abyss before luo binghe can so much as grab him. the only reason LBh doesn't literally jump in after him is bc#he was numb with shock and the abyss was already closed before he could feel his legs again :]
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pedro pascal doesn’t owe you shit.
it is absolutely fine to be disappointed by his absence at cannes. i am too. but he does not have to be there.
for whatever reason he’s pulling away from the attention. the esquire article talked about how guarded he is and his socials have really slowed down. maybe he’s unprepared or overwhelmed by all the tlou hype. i mean his follower count went up by the tens of thousands the day after the premiere. that’s insane.
but some of you have lost the plot. the ones wearing d*ddy’s little girl shirts in fucking public and yelling d*ddy at him at events and trying to convince everyone whether he’s queer or not and complaining there isn’t an explicit scene of him fucking in the strange way of life. it’s not a gay porn made for your fetish. ‘oh but narcos!!’ that’s called characterization. read literally any article from almodovar and understand why sex isn’t the point.
interacting with paparazzi content and making cute little edits - jfc. that’s creating demand and supply and paparazzi know no fucking boundaries. man’s got anxiety and no doubt the paps and fans watching his every move are probably making that worse.
let him make movies and rotate through his four shirts in peace. pedro pascal doesn’t owe anyone shit.
#pedro pascal#sex being the whole point is what fanfic’s for#i’m not getting into an argument over ‘he loves it!! he calls himself daddy!!’#that was a joke you all took way too fucking far#what’s he going to say?? ‘stop i hate it’#you’d all turn on him in a second#and make it worse being like ‘idc i’ll still do it’#this is exhausting#this is why i backed off in 2021#when that livestream with his friend was just inundated with people asking about pedro#he could have lost a friend over that bullshit#she speaks#well rants but eh
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So apparently the symptoms for chronic fatigue include loss of memory, reduced concentration, and fainting/lightheadedness when sitting/standing up?? Why didn't anyone tell me about this 😭
#the last one about orthostatic intolerance is flooring me#i literally got tested for POTS bc of how frequently i pass out or get lightheaded from standing up#like its so bad that i got tested for POTS. and it came back negative. and i just gave up after that#but youre telling me that theres ANOTHER condition that can cause that??#and this same condition also causes memory issues which i also have and have been getting worse for years??#and the condition in question is 'tired all the time and sleep doesnt help' disorder#which is ALSO an issue ive had since at least middle school???#and the getting exhausted even after light exercise and mental work#and apparently even sore/swollen lymph nodes?? which is something thats been happening to me randomly recently???#what the fuck man 😭 why havent i looked into this before#'symptoms must last at least 6 months' brother my symptoms have lasted for at least 14 YEARS#...i think i need to talk to my doctor#rambling
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wade and logan being so protective of each other not because they can't die but exactly BECAUSE of that. because no one else thinks they need to be protected when really that's all they want, and this is something that only the other person fundamentally understands
#user: gossippool 😝#like they will always be the protector in any other relationship#they are the people that no one else has to worry about and that gets sooo fucking exhausting physically and mentally#god imagine how it feels to finally have that in each other FOREVER#deadpool and wolverine#poolverine#deadpool#wade wilson#wolverine#logan howlett#just woke up lmao
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I originally had typed up a whole ass angry rant about how fucking awful some of the takes are about Oppenheimer (it seems primarily from people who haven't even seen the fucking film), but I decided against posting it (and then I wrote this which now that I'm reading over it, still ended up being a bit of an angry fucking rant so oops).
But what I will say is that the film does not glorify the bomb or what it was used for. So please shut the fuck up about that. Also, this is a story about J. Robert Oppenheimer. The bomb is a large part of the story because it was a huge part of his life. But the focus is on him and his emotional journey through the film. They are trying to pack about 600 pages of dense material into three hours. There is simply not enough time to go on a side quest to address a lot of the things many of you are insisting be addressed. Especially when Oppenheimer himself was not directly involved in them.
I've seen many people say that this story should never have been told. And, kindly, fuck you. We live in an age where people are constantly trying to change, discredit, or dismiss history. We desperately need more people to become engaged with it again. Prior to this film, there were a whole ton of people who had been so failed by their history classes they had no idea who J. Robert Oppenheimer even was. People still know alarmingly little about the bomb and the scientists who worked on it and if this film allows them to be more interested/educated in that topic, that's a win.
This film brings to light more than just the bomb. It's a discussion on morality and the relationship between scientists and the government.
Also, you don't get to say that a piece of art shouldn't be made just because it makes you fucking uncomfortable. Don't consume that piece of art, then. But you have no right to say someone shouldn't make something, or others shouldn't consume or enjoy it just because it makes you uncomfortable.
#fucking people istg#it must exhausting needing every piece of entertainment you consume to be morally pure#why do i feel like i'm about to have a whole bunch of people getting very angry in my inbox#just let people enjoy things jfc#oppenheimer#lily babbles
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i still want another season
#personal tag#thats all i wanna say im sorry lmfao#LIKE I GET IT ITS WRITTEN FOR TWO SEASONS ONLY BUT I RLLY WISH WE HAD MORE TIME TO COOK#i still love the show though!!!!!!!!!! it is so fucking beautiful#i also want other runeterra regions but gah….. im not ready to let it all go#IM NOT READY TO LET IT ALL GO!!!!!!!#also yeah i dont think i have the energy to reply to messages im kinda exhausted from it all and i wanna no brain and make gifs
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people always talk about edwin being an older ghost, and he technically is, but he doesn’t have any more experience being a ghost than charles. he was in hell from the moment he died to the night he met charles. he died at 16 and then did not get a chance to go through any growth or learn anything in hell other than torture—he lost those 70+ years. functionally, neither of their afterlives start until they meet, and they have to (get to) learn how to be ghosts and how to exist in this form on earth together every step of the way. anyway, what are you procrastinating right now? i’m procrastinating an essay that was due 4 days ago AND an essay that’s due tomorrow 🤠
#dbd has been bad for my procrastination from the day i first watched it#i have some spins that are worse for my productivity than others and this is a baaaaad one#but it’s the fucking rush from the hyperfixation that only nd people could possibly get#every time i engage with a post or a fic or anything related to the show i get 10 straight shots of dopamine through me#i’m literally in school to become a therapist and i’m like or i can be mentally ill instead of doing my work#good for me (bad for me)#dead boy detectives#dead boy detective agency#save dead boy detectives#renew dead boy detectives#revive dead boy detectives#payneland#painland#paineland#paynland#hate that there are so many spellings of their ship name it’s exhausting all#chedwin#charles x edwin#charles rowland#edwin payne#edwin paine#yeet my deet#yeet my deebd#dbd4ratch#dbda#dbdshow
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Somewhere in the Mojave, a very good dog and a weird kid are chowing down on some jerky :]
#my art#my ocs#fallout new vegas#fnv#tumbleweed#fnv rex#they are frollicking!!!#they're gonna run fast as fuck chasing geckos and then get heat exhaustion
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Idk who needs to hear this but time and time again isn't over!!!
Webtoon removed the "time and time again will return!!!" Banner and I don't know why, but it's not over!!! There's still another 1/3 of the comic to go! There's a lot more stuff that I'm working on and it'll be coming back soon!
Please be patient with me, I know it's been a long time... But the stuff I'm making is really good and there's a lot of reasons it's taken this long. I promise I want it back more than anyone.
I'm trying to come back around the end of October. I'm doing my best to get everything ready in time, so no promises, but I'm on track to do so! I'm just one person writing and drawing everything, and my editor was fired so I'm not even getting any notes anymore. It's literally just me. I'm doing my best I promise!
#im so frustrated that banner has been gone#and people think the comic is over because of that#which is reasonable to think#but it... idk#its already an uphill battle to try snd retain audience after a hiatus this long#let alone when webtoon is actively building thr expectation that theres no need to come back...#im so frustrated#every day there is something new with them its so exhausting#this isnt even the thing I've been majorly stressed about this is a fresh new frustration#i feel like they're not just being unhelpful#at this point i feel like theyre actively sabotaging my career.#im not allowed to promote my books#i can't make my links too big so no one can find me#people dont even know i have a patreon#i can't make any announcements on the comic#and now people think th whole thing is over and it isnt!#im so ;_;#im so frustrated and demoralized#and people complete reasonably are losing patience and interest#and. ah... it's fine. like genuinely it is fine.#it will come back soon and i am doing a good job#and everyone who sees it's back will be happy with what ive done#cause it's good. its really good...#but. yeah. idk. webtoon has been actively keeping me down since the beginning and im so over them#I've been so mistreated aysudjejjdjdjdj#i just want to finish the series and go ;_;#taking all my power to not **** ******#just gotta power through and get the fuck out#text post#update
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~ a little something about you and Dazai trying to love each other a little bit less ~
It's Sakura season, and it's not being shared with someone you love. That's fine, you think to yourself as you sit on the bench, the sunset overlooks the port and you have the park to yourself. The fragile petals fall all around you, covering you in flakes of pink, like snow that won't melt. Though they will shrivel up, you think that might be worse than the instant loss of a melting snowflake. The thing about snowflakes is they melt upon warm contact but these petals won't melt at the touch of cold nor warmth, they'll lie there until their beauty fades along with what's left of their fleeting life. You stare at one in particular as it lands into your coffee cup, floating at the top instead of sinking.
That's what it was like to be in love with Osamu Dazai, and what it was like to sense his dreadful presence approaching you like the wind billows on a starless night. You ignore him, staring down at your coffee cup like it's going to save you, knowing it won't. In your peripheral vision, he looks spectral, and you catch a wave trying to get you to look up along with a familiar voice that reeks of faux friendliness.
"Are you always this avoidant when people try to greet you?"
You bite the soft flesh inside of your cheek, gripping your coffee just a bit tighter, unresponsive.
He continues, hands tucked into his coat and a smirk on his face.
"The blooms are nice today, eh? At their peak. Thought I'd stop by to enjoy them but it seems someone's already taken my favorite bench. At my favorite spot. What a shame."
After another long pause, his voice loses the playful edge and he says your name in a firm tone. This causes you to finally snap to attention, eyes wide and as fragile as those petals that shower you both. He smiles once more, but it's uglier this time, mocking. You mirror him by calling out to him right back, a hint of bitterness in your voice.
"Dazai."
He steps closer, towering over you. He always thought you looked best when you were looking up at him. It would almost sting that you're using his last name if it weren't for the fact that it sounded so good coming out of your mouth. He leans down to you just a tad bit.
"Sooo flustered..."
"I'm not flustered."
It's a joy to know he can still make you feel something, you were always wearing your heart on your sleeve, and your emotions on your precious little face. He sighs dramatically, waving his arms around.
"Mhm, sure you're not. You're lying... And it's honestly boring me to death! And I love death!"
You look away towards the port and roll your eyes, a quiet scoff escaping you along with it.
"Oh, so we're doing this."
It's almost like they're flirting, he thinks. Just like old times, maybe. It sends a thrill down his spine.
"Yes. We are."
You smile faintly, but it disappears just as fast as it materialized.
"I'll head out now and leave you to your favorite bench at your favorite spot, then."
He doesn't even allow you the chance to stand up before he shifts to stand fully in your way, imposing himself with an unreadable expression on his face that's hiding his real thoughts.
"Stay here a minute, I'd like to ask you a tiny little thing."
You tilt your head, the way you used to every time he perplexed you with some nonsense he'd spew out either to toy with you or when he'd say those three poisonous words you could never handle hearing from him.
"Dazai, I don't know if that's wise..."
He knew what you meant by that, because if you stayed like all the other times, you'd never leave. He sees the effect he has on you and he uses that to his advantage. His voice softens, something you aren't used to anymore.
"... But will you do it anyway? Stay here?"
You bite the corner of your lip and sigh... Of course you do.
"I guess... I will."
His eyes narrow and he fights back a smile at the thought of being able to stump you like this.
He's not sure where he's going with this but he's sure he'll think of something to say, he just wants to keep talking to you a little longer. He invades your personal space, and almost reaches out to place a hand on your face but decides not to, opting to keep the unbalanced dynamic going. You breathe out, unable to handle the silence, your cheeks already turning pink.
"Seems to me like you're stalling."
He observes you knowing how desperate you are to hear what he has to say, enjoying the moment of simply holding your gaze when he really should think of what the hell to ask you. He becomes dangerously close, his voice taking on a velvety approach with that lazy smile you love so much.
"Me? I'm doing nothing of the sort."
You look down at your shoes shamefully, something that would have made you so giddy to hear before now just feels like a slap to the face. Your eyes flicker to the way his hands now rest at his sides and it makes you wish they were wrapped around your neck instead. It all causes you to mumble without thinking.
"You always want to stop me from something... You keep me frozen in time."
He tilts his head, finally reaching out to take your hand but when you don't meet him halfway he settles for hooking his pinky around yours instead. He won't move it until you do first.
"Is that so bad? To be frozen by me?"
You're losing this battle, you know that because you can feel your heartbeat in your pinky when he tightens it just a little but it's enough to feel him invade you even further. He feels it too.
"I wish I thought it were..." You say, lamely.
"Why don't you, then?"
He asks quickly, amused. He squeezes your pinky harder and it's starting to cut your circulation off. You look back up with that ridiculously innocent face that always made him want to jump into the river, you didn't even know how precious you looked that way.
"You know why, Osamu."
Oh it's like a shot to the heart when you switch to his first name. How dare you. He wishes you'd say it under different circumstances because he doesn't like this one. That, plus the urge to mock you for your emotions always being so damn sincere causes his gaze to shift. It's less playful now as he stares into your eyes, his voice going low.
"... I don't think I do."
You bite the inside of your cheek again and taste blood from how hard you're holding back the urge to just. Go. But you can't and you won't. It's the same doomed story over and over again.
You murmur with pathetic longing.
"No, you never seem to."
He's figured out his question, and he figures why he's holding your pinky like he's a tourniquet and you're bleeding out, but he doesn't intend on saving you, he's not that kind of guy.
It's dark now, and the Sakura petals are slowing down their fall to death, almost afraid to interrupt the tension going on here. He nods towards you, amused.
"Please, enlighten me."
You look away, a sad smile on your face.
"I don't know if I'm strong enough for that tonight."
He knows that, and you're stupid if you don't think he knows every single little thing about you. This is all just a review. This is all just his way of making sure you haven't moved on this time for sure.
"Aww, look at you, unable to resist me.~"
He mocks you, yet moves his over hand to the small of your back to really make sure you stay here with him. You instantly regret letting your heart speak for you when you said you'd stay earlier. You frown, eyes glistening as the moon makes its presence known. The moon doesn't care to interrupt you two, but somehow it feels like it's on Dazai's side more than anything.
You shake your head, sighing.
"You're being mean. You should be home tonight and so should I."
He keeps staring into you, thinking how beautiful you look when you become so vulnerable around him. He finally releases your pinky, unable to take it anymore, and cups the side of your face instead while the other one still stays on your back. He shrugs and sighs as well, though it sounds more like an imitation of one.
"Perhaps I should be home. But I don't feel like it. Neither do I feel like letting you scurry away."
This causes you to purse your lips and knit your brows together, your patience running out from his games. He should have taken you out back and put you out of your misery ages ago, it's not too late, you think.
"Then what do you propose we do?"
"Hmm... Will you let me kiss you?" He asks as if this were the first time he's ever done it. As if he were concluding a successful first date. Your lip quivers, and he can feel you tremble.
"Why?"
"Why not?"
When you don't reply, he moves his face until his cheek is against yours and whispers into your ear.
"Are you going to say anything, silly? Or can I take this as a yes?"
You finally breathe out, the shock somewhat subsiding. You don't think twice, you're just as pathetic as you've always been. But so is he for asking.
"Kiss me."
You said yes. He gets what he wants from you, thank god. He won't tell you that just this morning he had a dream, or rather a revelation of you letting him kiss you. That he blew off his duties at the agency and visited every single place you used to frequent together until he found you here to make the prophecy come true. That this is a selfish attempt at getting not just that kiss, but your entire being. Your noses touch, and he whispers once more.
"Are you sure about that? You don't sound so sure, little thing."
You swallow hard, and your voice comes out meek and soft.
"I always am."
"Even now?"
He doesn't even wait for your reply before he's closing the distance between you, locking your lips together and sealing you against him, as if worried after all this time you'd still try to move away and leave. The kiss lasts longer than it was intended to, but eventually Dazai removes himself from you, he couldn't bear it if you did so first. You never would, you think to yourself. His gaze is genuinely soft now, his cruelty melting away like a snowflake, but you're dying in his arms like the petal.
"You've always known I'm yours, right? And you're mine?"
You want to cry when he says that, if only it truly was that mutual.
"I want it to be that way, but it seems you only kiss me when no one's around."
The empty outdoor space that envelops them, along with the waves rhythmically crashing against the port punctuates the silence that follows after. Dazai breaks the pause, something about what you just said bothering him deeply.
"If I kissed you when everyone was around, wouldn't they start to look?"
He knows that's terrible thing to say to you, but doesn't want to admit that the thought of others seeing him happy makes him feel like it's an omen, that the second he openly recognizes he's yours you won't stay his for very long. That it will all be a dream from another world. You scoff as you look away, your eyes stinging.
"Mmm... You're funny."
"I'm serious, me being in a relationship? Imagine that. I think the whole agency would be at a standstill. How scandalous."
He doesn't mean that, but he doesn't know why he can't stop pretending he doesn't have feelings and just speak the truth. Surprisingly, you crack a small smile at that, trying to find humor in the fact that you'll never figure him out.
"They'd all think you're looney, which you are."
"That's an understatement! They'd think I'm deranged for letting such a cute person take me away from my very important duties.~"
He plays along with your sarcasm, what matters is you're cooperating.
"They'd all say I'm too good for you, anyway. Especially Kunikida." You really make sure that one hurts, but all he shows is a sly grin.
"It's just better if people don't know we're together, right?"
You look away, the moon's fully illuminating you both.
"It's better not to be together at all, Osamu."
Your words actually hurt like a knife to the chest, and once he goes there, he can't stop it. You weren't supposed to make such a permanent statement. He narrows his eyes, but his voice remains soft, desperate even.
"And what's that supposed to mean?"
"You know what I mean, I'm not some secret you keep."
He somehow recovers and replies as smug as possible.
"I like you that way. Frozen in time, remember? The prettiest ice sculpture for me to adore for all eternity.... What else do you want me to say?"
You wince at that.
"Just say anything. Can you say it? Can you at least tell me you loved me at one point in time?"
That does it for him. You look so sad, you look so pliable and it's so attractive, but he's not looking to exploit that anymore tonight. It brings out something else. Something he can't take back.
"You do know I don't ever want anyone else, right? It was real to me then, and it's real to me now. Don't be dense."
He didn't notice the tears in your eyes before, the way they glisten thanks to the moon who's always on his side. He's stern when he speaks to you, his eyes locked on yours to make sure you get it through you stubborn little skull how devoted he has always been and always will be, even if he doesn't show it in the way you want him to.
You're irritated and enamored as you sniffle.
"And what am I supposed to do with that information, huh?"
He speaks above a whisper, you barely hear it yourself; It might as well be an auditory hallucination. His face is solemn, matching yours for once. He's not hiding anything right now.
"Keep it close to your heart and be mine..."
He clears his throat, and moves his other hand from your back to the other side of your face, fully holding you, making sure you have no escape.
"... I'm all yours, so be all mine. Okay?"
"We really are the same kind of stupid, Osamu... Now what?"
You say with a scoff that turns into a small laugh, your voice remaining bittersweet even in between sniffles.
"Now?" His voice trails off, humming as he pretends to think. There was never another outcome to this story, he was never going to say anything different. It's just the way he prophesied it. The way it's meant to be.
"Now you're going to take me home. We're going to get back to your place, and you'll reintroduce me to your very cold and lonely bed I've missed so much as I hold you forever and ever. You'll have no choice but to fall madly in love with me again, as I am with you. Done."
He drops your face and takes your hand properly now, hoping to lead you away into the night. He knows he doesn't deserve this, so he has to make it count.
He's hoping you won't find him crass and reject his request, he doesn't mean to be so blunt. He's just a desperate idiot who refuses to see another season change without you.
When Dazai says he misses intimacy with you, it's because he does. It's because he wants to tell you that this is the last time the cycle repeats itself, this is how he ends it but he needs you to want it too. You stare at him in disbelief at first, your hollow breathing now becoming shaky with each inhale. You choose to believe him, something in his face tells you he's being real for once. Besides, you already have nothing, so you can't lose anything.
"... Then lie in it again. Convince me."
You tuck a strand of his messy bangs that frame his face behind his ear, and you realize how pretty he looks this way. You never noticed he could be even more devastating than usual. You hope he'll keep letting you push it back like this.
He smiles, his voice dropping to a pleading tone at your reverent touch. At your mercy.
"Oh, I plan on it. We've made it this far. Even if it wasn't mutual anymore, it doesn't make it any less true... at least not for me. And just so you know, I did love you at one point in time, and I love you now, you fool."
You look down once again at the fallen petals at your feet already turning brown, and you realize this won't be you tonight, or ever again. You realize there is meaning in all of this and you won't be the snowflake nor the petal, you're going to be Dazai's. You squeeze his hand back, the corner of your lip curling up as you both walk away under the moonlight.
#when i tell you i was vibrsting from caffeine my hormones are all over the place from the upcoming period and ppp by beach house#was blaring in my ears i could not stop writinf what i wrote#i'm thinking it just has to be this way dazai WOULD#make it this complicated to simply try and get you back. this is all just him wanting to beg on his knees#and who am i to deny and pathetic man the pleasure of showing up into your lifr#rubs hands together this is what i was made for the angst the love thr hardship#i think it's a reflection of his fears and his deepest desires that rlly make him contradicting#and ur like. thats enough im so fucking exhausted PLEASE#but so is heeeeeee SO IS HE#ada mention alwayssss#bungou stray dogs#bro never goes to work RIP#osamu dazai#dazai x reader#bsd dazai#dazai x you#osamu dazai x reader#bsd x reader#dazai imagines#osamu dazai fluff#dazai fluff#bungo stray dogs#dazai angst#dazai angst fluff#dazai osamu#fluff and angst#gn reader
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One manifestation of anti-transmasculinity I see again and again, primarily in discussions about the existence/denial of anti-transmasculinity is the treatment of transmascs in the same way cis men treat feminists as hysterical women and rad/feminists treat men as ignorant beasts. Of course these really just echo each other in that the other is deemed lesser but it's really in the wording.
You do not, can not ever understand misogyny, you are just ignorant sluts vieing for attention, what happened to you wasn't that bad, you're exaggerating, it was just a joke, it doesn't matter, you deserved it, you're being dramatic, who cares, who cares, who cares. Just shut up already.
#transandrophobia#transphobia#anti-transmasculinity#almost all of these examples have double meanings#its a joke echoes the obvious but it also echoes about rape jokes irt men such as the classic prison soap#or how the rape of men in general is treated as a joke/deserved#of course r/a/d feminism is fucking horribly pervasive throughout tumblr/the queer community its. exhausting#it makes me just want to stop and never talk to other queer folks again how did it get like this?#tldr stop and question why you think someones opinion *of their own experiences* are worth less than your opinion
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