#and now i feel like a lot of those hesitations might just be resolved

[mxtxfanatic]

Adding for comparison:

“You know, we do think the same way. You think I’m incomprehensible? Well, the feeling’s mutual.” He met Xie Lian’s gaze. “At this point, I might as well just tell it to you straight. I’ve got a whole bunch of opinions about you.” “Uh...well...I knew that already. For ages now,” Xie Lian said. “Oh really?” Mu Qing said coldly. “Then do you know that I often thought you relied on your status too much—that even though you were His Highness the Crown Prince, even though you had good fortune, your skills weren’t that much better than mine?” “...” “I also thought that you probably only liked doing all those good deeds for show, because you wanted all the praise and flattery. And that you only helped me because of that—I was the perfect subject for you to demonstrate your sympathy and kindness on. To be honest, some of my opinions haven’t changed, even now. Maybe they never will. Even if I push these thoughts down, they’ll come back eventually.” At that point, Xie Lian didn’t know whether to sweat about this or what. “There’s no need to say stuff like that in such detail to the man himself, you know?!” Unexpectedly, Mu Qing continued with, “But more often than not, I’m still...kind of in awe of you.” Xie Lian was taken aback. Mu Qing gathered his courage. As though someone were choking him, forcing him to speak, he stiffly said, “Isn’t that normal? You...are rather amazing. You’re...also...a better person than I am. In short, I...very much wanted...to become your f-f-friend.” “...” Xie Lian had never in a million years imagined he’d ever hear that from Mu Qing’s lips. Though they were stuttered, forced, and stiff, they were such honest, sincere, sensible words! His eyes went wide. “You...” Mu Qing had finally squeezed the sentence out through the cracks of his gritted teeth, and he let out a long breath. “That incident after Xianle’s fall...no matter if it was right or wrong, no matter if I was in a difficult situation, I still owe you an apology.” Xie Lian was stumped for a moment. “...It’s all water under the bridge, so let it go. But let’s not worry about it now. We need to get out of here first!” Mu Qing raised his voice. “He told me that if I fell under suspicion, you would take advantage of the situation and not save me even if you knew I didn’t do it. That you wouldn’t believe me because you hate me.” “He”? Xie Lian knew exactly who “he” was. “I didn’t agree to help him, but even so...everything he said, I’ve thought before,” Mu Qing continued. “Deep down, I always thought you hated me, that you despised me, so I... I’ve always... Anyway, you don’t actually think that way. I’m glad.”

—Vol. 8, Chapt. 127: Upon the Heaven-Crossing Bridge, Three Idiots Return to Olden Times, 7seas

It's interesting because it seems like the edits were rearranging (Mu Qing being called over by Jun Wu is mentioned before the end of the "f-f-friend" speech), adding more depth to their convo (they're actually conversing rather than Xie Lian being stumped or trying to quickly brush Mu Qing's confession aside), making Mu Qing more clear (such as him directly naming Jun Wu as the instigator instead of weirdly playing coy like in the unrevised), and—what I consider the most significant change—removing Mu Qing admitting that he won't honestly change after this.

So much of Mu Qing's character in the story is him hoping that Xie Lian is actually a terrible person, and it diminishes his character growth of admitting this is all projection and undermines his reconciliation with and apology to Xie Lian for him to then admit that some of his unfair opinions have not changed, will likely never change, and will in fact probably return later. However, because mxtx removed those lines and also cleaned up Mu Qing's speech, he directly admits that his thoughts were projections, accepts that Xie Lian does not and never has thought less of others, least of all Mu Qing, and is willing to finally see Xie Lian as he is going forward, without falling back on his terrible habits like the unrevised states that he would.

tgcf revised—mu qing & xie lian's reconciliation, chapters 192-193, translated by me

note: i'm not a translation professional, i did this for fun to give a rough idea of what happened in the revised version of this scene. it's also inevitable for subtleties to get lost in translation so do be aware. i know the english prose sounds a little awkward because chinese prose works differently but i wanted to translate it as directly as possible & any attempts at making it sound "smoother" or nicer would demand biased input from me which i wanted to minimize

edit; found a typo in the first slide. mu qing should say "even thought" not "even though"

[sparkrls]

simple questions

MASTERLIST

Summary: in which Harry is eager to makes his girl happy and she just wants answers to simple questions

Author’s Note: a blurb i wrote based on these Harry pics because I am NOT over it

Word Count: 2.6k words

•••

Her boyfriend was an idiot. That’s what Y/N resolved as she watched him stumble over his words as he was asked a simple question of, “Who’s the girl you’re with?”. It wasn’t even anyone important asking, just a fan who’d noticed Harry and felt brave enough to ask for a photo, albeit with hands that shook as she passed over her phone.

It had started as Y/N’s idea. She knew she was entirely at fault for Harry’s nerves, but it wasn’t even completely her idea. She had just asked him, “Have you ever had a public outing with a partner?”

It was an innocent question, asked due to pure curiosity, not with any ulterior motive as Harry suspected. He had given her a look, trying to get a read on her intent behind those words. He tended to do that a lot. Doubt people’s words, like they had some double meaning, and they were trying to trick him into making a fool of himself. She had a tough time getting him to trust her enough as to not doubt her as much, but the trust issues slipped through every once in a while.

Harry then stumbled over his words, the way a newborn doe might trip and fall as it clambered onto its frail legs. Simple questions were never his forte. He could answer you deep, philosophical questions and ponder them in his mind without hesitation, but it was the simple questions that tripped him up. A whole conundrum, if you asked Y/N.

Eventually, Harry admitted, “No.”

She’d stared at him with a deadpan expression, because it had taken an extraordinary amount of ‘um’s and ‘uh’, along with some weird humming sounds to get a one-word answer from him.

So she followed up with, “Don’t you wanna?”

“Do you want me to do it with you?”

“Well, no, I was just asking because-“

“I’ll do it with you,” Harry rushed to say.

Sometimes he tended to rush himself into doing favors for people he didn’t really want to do. A tendency lots of overly kind people had. And he’d always have this particular warm, soft tone when he did. And she loved that little tone that indicated he was feeling kind. But lots of times he regretted agreeing to those things and would stumble home to her apartment, grumbling and griping about whatever stupidity he’d been forced to do. So it grew into a strange mixture of adoration and disdain for that tone. Because she never liked to see her boy tired to the bone because he was too polite to back away from a promise. (Although she did love running her fingers through his soft hair until he fell asleep with his head on her lap)

This time, however, Harry wasn’t using that warm tone. It was a much different one, a bit of a higher pitch, and with a much sweeter undertone. It was a tone he used when he was trying to win the favor of his girlfriend.

She chuckled, “Baby, I didn’t ask you to-“

Harry had one arm rested on her waist and the other underneath the pillow she rested her head on. “But I wanna,” He said with a small pout, an almost whiny quality to his words. His cherry lips looked so kissable when they stuck out that way. “Wanna show the world you’re mine.” He leaned up until his nose was nuzzling her neck, and his lips brushed against her collarbone. “Mine and only mine.”

His lips clamped down on her skin, sucking at it for a moment before allowing his teeth to nibble lightly. Sharp stings followed wherever his teeth sunk in so deliciously, sending sparks throughout her whole body.

Y/N had learned early on that Harry had a very possessive side to him. He’d spent years feeling that everything he was belonged to the public, including all the dirty details of his personal life and his friends and partners. And now he had regained that privacy (he’d had to pry it by force from the unfailing grip of the media), he wanted to claim everything as his own.

It was why Harry was so fiercely protective of his friends and loyal to a fault. He felt the incessant urge to always stick by their side. He finally knew what it was like to have something belong to him, and it was his greatest fear to lose it.

After a lot of therapy, communication and compromise, Harry had not only found a healthy balance for himself but for his relationship with Y/N as well. A certain possessiveness that she wouldn’t deny him because she could never refuse anything he asked, and it was just part of who he was. But a harsh line as to not become controlling or overprotective as Harry had threatened to do in previous relationships.

The habits snuck into their daily lives, as Harry had a tendency to leave marks where everyone could see them. Therefore, the hickeys on the neck which Y/N always had to cover with concealer because she despised turtlenecks with a passion.

“Love, I’m not doubting your choice,” she began to speak, interrupted by Harry leaving open-mouthed kisses from her jugular up to the base of her jaw. And it was getting hard to think straight when his lips were on her and his tongue was tracing delightful patterns.

Y/N cleared her throat trying to focus. “However, I don’t want this to be an impulse decision. Think it through.”

Harry separated his lips from her skin long enough to murmur, “I’m sure. I wanted to make it public to everyone soon anyways, might as well go out together.” As he spoke, his warm breath grazed against her sensitive skin, causing goosebumps.

“Go out where?”

“The Man U match, obviously.”

And that was why Y/N spent the next week fussing over her choice of hairstyle, whether to leave her natural waves or straighten it or straighten it and then create strategically messy waves. And then freaking out on the phone to her best friend about whether her outfit was a good choice or not. Because of course, she had to look stylish for her first public appearance with Harry- those photos would be circulating the internet until the day she died- but she also had to dress for the unforgiving winter and plan for rain. Even if she was going to be in the VIP suite with Harry, the entrance and exit could possibly have rain, and she couldn’t always count on an umbrella. She’d learned that the five times she’d gotten stuck in the rain while waiting at a too-full bus stop in peak traffic in London.

The point was, Y/N didn’t want to let down Harry nor the fans by wearing the wrong hairstyle, clothes or makeup. Resulting in overthinking every tiny detail down to the jewelry.

The morning of, it was Harry who soothed her nerves saying, “Love, if you don’t want to do it we don’t have to. It was always a choice.”

“I want to, but it’s just…” She looked up at him with a shaky breath. “It’s scary.”

“We can wait,” Harry replied, placing her face in his hands, his thumb caressing her cheek. “We’ll stay home and watch the game on the telly, we’ll wear our sweats and I’ll order in some food from that Thai place you’ve been wanting to try.”

Taking a good look at Harry from top to bottom, from those dress pants that clung to his thighs in the most delightful manner, and the button-up that tragically hid his well-sculpted biceps to the sweater vest he’d bought the first time they’d gone shopping together. He looked so soft and warm, yet so confident and sure of himself. Like a scale that had finally found balance.

Harry had an energy that screamed youthful, but he’d recently settled into the warm feeling of peace that came not with age, but the realization that chaos wasn’t necessary to be happy. He wasn’t afraid of his career always being on the chopping block, or the precarious opinions of outsiders. He had found himself, and with it, found an inner peace he’d never had before.

And it showed. From the way he dressed, to the courage of him showing up to their hotel room with the surprise of a shaved head one day, to the way he carried himself so firmly. He was centered. He was calm. And he was happy.

This was the first time everyone else would get to see Harry after the latest stage of his self-discovery. And Y/N wouldn’t be the one to hold him back. “No, I want to go,” she said firmly. “But I want you to pick my outfit.”

To no one’s surprise, Harry picked an outfit that was primarily made up of clothing from his own closet, completely shoving aside the outfit she had previously picked out for herself because, “Babe, I have better taste than you.”

Y/N didn’t have bad taste, but when it came to fashion, she laid her trust in Harry… most of the time.

The only thing he kept were the jeans she’d picked out, a new pair she’d gotten recently which flattered her figure. They were high waisted and cropped at the ankle, the color a grayish tone of the classic denim. Most importantly, they highlighted her ass. The one thing that no matter how insecure she was, she always loved. And Harry did as well, if the way he swatted her ass playfully a couple of times a day was any indication.

He paired it with a long-sleeve white top that clung to her skin, a green sweater on top that was slightly baggy on her figure as it was one of his and one a black coat that would keep her warm. Harry was careful to make sure all the layers would keep her warm even in the winter air, as he knew she tolerated much less cold than he did.

“Cute,” Harry said with a dimpled smile when she finished putting on the outfit and gave him a twirl to showcase it. “You’re really pretty, darling.” He hooked his fingers through her belt loops and yanked her forward until she almost toppled into his chest as he sat on the edge of his bed. He gave her a soft smile, the kind he gave her right before a heartfelt message- “And ten times prettier because I chose the outfit.”

Y/N swatted his arm playfully at his joke, and he simply laughed, the corners of his eyes crinkling up. “It’s a basic outfit.”

“Aw, don’t be mean because the outfit I picked out is better than the one you did.”

“You’re such a bully.”

Harry grinned at her. “Is that so?”

She nodded in mock earnestness. “Yeah. I hate you.”

“No, you don’t,” Harry replied simply.

“No, I don’t.”

With a couple of more kisses which included wiping the lipstick from Harry’s lips, the couple got into the car and held hands as the engine started and drove them to the stadium.

“So, we’re cheering for Man U, right?”

Harry sighed heavily. “Love, do you even know me?”

“Okay, okay, I get it,” She said with a chuckle, raising her hands defensively. “Man U for football and Green Bay Packers for the other football.” She gave him an apologetic look. “Sorry baby, but I know nothing about football.”

“I’m going to be explaining all the rules, aren’t I?”

Y/N’s silence was enough of a response.

But then it was time for the most dreaded moment of the day, when they entered the stadium hand-in-hand, walking past press and media and paparazzi.

Harry laced his fingers between hers and gave her a small squeeze before opening the car door and stepping out. He was quick, making her almost jog to catch up with his long strides. He’d warned her he would move hastily as to avoid lingering around the cameras longer than necessary.

There was one quick snap and a small flash and then-

They were inside the stadium and no press could chase them in any longer.

“Wait, that was it?” Y/N asked, glancing at the door they’d just walked through as their pace slowed down.

Harry glanced at her quizzically. “Did you expect more?”

“Well, you always describe it all huge and dramatic, flashing lights and a billion cameras and a huge crowd of screaming lunatics-“

“Football matches are different,” Harry said, chuckling as he interrupted her rant.

“I got worried over that?” Y/N signaled over her shoulder, her jaw dropping. “Seriously?!”

Harry laughed. “What do you expect me to say? You’re an overthinking maniac?”

She huffed, “This is your fault.”

Harry kissed her when her lips pouted. “Love you, darling.”

“Love you too,” She grumbled as they made their way to the VIP suite.

And that’s the full story of how they’d ended up at the Man U match- which they won, thank god, because Harry would’ve teased her relentlessly for being bad luck- and with a fan asking for a photo and asking who Y/N was.

“Um, well- she- we met- me and her-“ Harry couldn’t seem to form a train of thought, so she rolled her eyes and took control of the situation.

Holding out a hand for the fan to shake, Y/N said her name and said, “I’m Harry’s girlfriend. Nice to meet you, babe.”

The fan’s jaw dropped. It was a bit hilarious, but out of sheer politeness, Y/N held back her laughter. “You are definitely hot enough. Cool. Bye.” Turning on her heel, the fan walked away.

Harry seemed in shock as Y/N laughed, turning to him, completely bewildered. “You hear that? I’m ‘hot enough’!”

Without a care in the world of the dozen of cameras probably pointed at them, Harry grasped her face in his hands and gave her a deep, loving kiss.

Y/N scanned his face, a giddy smile on her own, “What was that for?”

“For being my girlfriend,” Harry replied before pulling her back in for another kiss. So maybe she’d allow her boyfriend a celebratory kiss or two or maybe five before they had the decency to move out of sight of the cameras. And just maybe, it wasn’t their last football match together.

Two years later, Y/N and Harry would return to the very same stadium for yet another Man U match, a bit older, a lot more mature and their love stronger after growing roots for so long. The tree flourishing with branches extending to the deeper reaches of her heart, she had never felt so fulfilled. Like the world was so much lighter and easier to endure even with the extra weight of a diamond ring on her finger, and a white gold band identical to the one on Harry’s hand.

“Who’s the girl you’re with?” The fan asked, a 15-year-old girl with her hair dyed blue and a Love On Tour shirt on, her curious eyes scanning Y/N, a flicker of familiarity in them.

Harry smiled, looking his wife up and down, admiring the outfit he’d carefully chosen for her earlier that day. He inhaled deeply, and for once, he didn’t trip over his words as he replied firmly, “This is Y/N. I’m her husband.”

[bruhnze]

PLAYING FOR KEEPS

CHAPTER 5 – A great arrangement

Summary: Ona Batlle has had a crush on Lucy Bronze for a little while now… how will it go when she joins Barça? A 10 chapter series.

Warnings: Slow burn, angst, fluff, smut. All the things, but I give this as a complete warning for the whole series. Not every chapter involves all the warnings :).

note: i have about 3 braincels and only one of them knows english, if the dialogue in this thing is not making sense, im sorry :) i couldn't think during proofread so idk if things work or not.

masterlist

October 21, 2023: vs. Granada CF (6-1, home) November 5, 2023: vs. Sevilla FC (8-0, home)

2023 – Spain

The sun had started to dip low in the sky as Lucy and Ona walked side by side. Their dogs, Narla and Coco, walked happily ahead of them on their leashes. It was one of those evenings where everything felt easy. The conversation between them was light, their footsteps in sync, the quiet moments comfortable.

They had been walking like this together after training for weeks now, both settling into a routine that felt natural. But these last days it had been a little bit different then before. Something had happened between them and they hadn’t spoken about it since.

As they neared Lucy’s place, Lucy glanced over at her. “You want to come inside? Have a drink before heading back to yours?”

Ona hesitated for a moment. Where they finally going to talk about the tension that followed them after what had happened the other night? “Yeah, sure,” she said with a small smile. “Sounds good.”

They walked inside, a cozy home greeting them in contrast to the chilly wind blowing outside.

Narla and Coco curled up on the couch, happy to rest after the walk.

Lucy headed to the kitchen, opening the fridge and grabbing water to pour two glasses.

She handed a glass to Ona and sat down beside her on the sofa, the space between them almost nonexistent as she settled in close.

“Thanks,” Ona murmured before taking a sip.

Her gaze flickered toward Lucy, feeling the shift in the air between them. There had been simmering a lot of tension beneath the surface that neither of them had really addressed.

They sat in silence for a while, sipping their waters.

It was Lucy who eventually broke the silence. She set her glass down on the coffee table and turned slightly toward Ona, her expression thoughtful. “I’ve been thinking a little bit,” she began, her voice measured, “about us.”

Ona blinked, surprised by the sudden shift in conversation, but she didn’t shy away. “About us?” she echoed, her heart picking up its pace. Us, that sounded like… something she wanted.

Lucy leaned back slightly, resting her arm along the back of the couch. “I mean, the whole… thing we have going on.” She smiled softly, a bit unsure. “We’ve crossed a few lines, haven’t we?”

Ona’s gaze dropped for a moment, her fingers nervously tapping the side of her glass. She knew exactly what Lucy was referring to. They’d kissed, ‘fooled around’—as Lucy had casually put it that night. But instead of resolving some feeling for Ona the tension between them had only grown thicker with each encounter.

It lingered in the air between them, waiting for one of them to acknowledge it. Like how everything would go quiet when their hands accidentally brushed. Or how Ona would ‘fix’ Lucy’s shirt just to have an excuse to be close. The way Lucy would challenge her during one-on-ones in training, pressing herself against Ona for just a few seconds too long.

There was something undeniable pulling them toward each other. For Lucy, it might have been a recent realization, but for Ona, it was the same feelings she’d always had. Only now, they were growing stronger, getting more and more impossible to ignore.

“Yeah,” Ona admitted, her voice quieter now. “I guess we have.” She mentally cringed, what did she mean ‘I guess we have’, ofcourse they had.

Lucy let the words hang in the air for a moment, her eyes on Ona’s. “I just think it’s kind of obvious,” she continued, her tone light but serious.

Ona’s eyebrows shot up. Shit, was she so readable, had Lucy figured it out? A blush crept on her cheeks.

Lucy smiled, “Obvious, that we’re both into each other.” She continued, making clear what she meant. ‘’To me it feels like we just have some sort of chemistry or something, I don’t know.’’

Ona’s pulse quickened at the admission, but she found herself nodding. “Yeah, I think so too,” she said, her lips curving into a small smile. Breathing out a breath she had apparently been holding. ‘’That’s probably why that happened the other night, right?’’ She said, she didn’t know what she was saying, she just opened her mouth and words fell out.

‘’Yeah, I think we both saw it coming.’’ Lucy exhaled, her eyes softening. “And I really like hanging around with you. And I’m not saying this has to be complicated or anything. I just… I like what we’ve got going on.”

Ona bit her lip, feeling the same pull she had felt every time they were close; after training, during their car rides, the quiet moments in the locker room. If she could do anything she wished right now, without any consequences, she’d kiss Lucy right here right now, confessing she wanted Lucy to be her girlfriend.

But Lucy wasn’t asking for something serious. Maybe that suited them. She didn’t want complications either. Maybe the easiest option would be just this, whatever this was. Just, something easy, something between friends.

“So,” Ona said, her voice steady now, “are you saying we should… keep it simple?” She did not really know how to word this. Was Lucy suggesting what she thought she was.. or was she wishful thinking.

Lucy’s lips curved into a teasing smile. “Simple. Fun. Whatever you want to call it.”

Ona chuckled softly, setting her glass down on the table. “I like simple.”

For a moment, they simply looked at each other, an unspoken understanding settling between them. Their gazes flickered to each other's lips, then back to their eyes, the tension between them palpable.

Then, as if the tension finally broke, Lucy leaned in, closing the last inch between them. Her hand brushed the side of Ona’s neck, gentle yet sure, before her lips met Ona’s in a kiss that was slow and deliberate.

Ona responded without hesitation, her hand gliding up to cradle Lucy’s jaw as the kiss deepened, drawing them both deeper into the moment. The familiarity between them was intoxicating. Lucy’s touch playful yet confident, while Ona’s pulse raced beneath her skin as she melted into her.

Lucy pulled away slightly, her breath warm against Ona’s lips. Her gaze searched Ona’s face, her voice low and careful. "Was that alright?" she murmured, giving Ona the space to back out if she wanted to.

There wasn’t one ounce of hesitation in Ona’s body. She nodded, her pulse quickening, eyes dark with desire. "Yeah," she whispered, her fingers slipping beneath the hem of Lucy’s shirt, feeling the heat of her skin. "More than alright."

Lucy let out a soft laugh, leaning in to kiss her again, deeper this time. The tension which had been simmering for weeks, finally broke. They didn’t rush. Each kiss was deliberate, slow, as though they were savoring every second.

Ona’s mind raced as her body responded to the familiar touch, the heat, the way Lucy’s hands moved over her skin with an ease that felt both thrilling and comforting.

But as their kisses grew more heated, more urgent, and Lucy shifted Ona onto her lap, something nagged at the back of Ona’s mind. Thoughts she couldn’t ignore, even in the midst of it all. Was this going to stay simple? Could she really keep it that way?

As if sensing Ona’s hesitation, Lucy pulled back slightly, her breath coming in soft, uneven puffs. Her hands rested on Ona’s hips, her fingers lightly brushing her sides. "We can stop whenever you want," she said, her voice gentle but serious, eyes searching Ona’s for any sign of doubt.

Ona shook her head, the answer immediate, though her mind was still swirling with unspoken thoughts. "I don’t want to stop," she whispered, her fingers tangling in Lucy’s hair, tugging gently.

That was all the encouragement Lucy needed. She stood up, lifting Ona with effortless strength, their lips connecting again as she carried her toward the bedroom.

A soft laugh escaped both of them as they tumbled onto the bed, it was a mess of limbs and breathless kisses.

For a moment, the only thing that mattered to Ona was the feeling of Lucy’s body pressed against hers.

As Lucy’s hands found their way to her skin again, she felt a small pause. "Ona…" Lucy’s voice was softer now, almost hesitant. "About this. About us."

Ona’s heart skipped a beat. There it was again. Us. That word that held so much weight, so much meaning. "Yeah?" she asked, her voice quieter now, though her body already ached for Lucy’s touch again.

Lucy shifted, lying beside Ona now, her arm draped over her waist. ‘’Maybe we should set our expectations straight first?’’  

Ona nodded, ‘’ofcourse.’’

Lucy took Ona’s hand in hers, fidgeting with her fingers. "I like this, what we’re doing. But we need to talk about what it is. Set some rules, you know?" She smiled, though there was a seriousness in her eyes.

Ona’s chest tightened. Rules. Boundaries. They hadn’t  talked about it yet, but it probably was wise to do so. "Yeah," Ona agreed, her fingers tracing absent patterns on Lucy’s arm. "What kind of rules?"

Lucy looked thoughtful for a moment. "Well… for one, no one in the team can know," she said. "We’re roomies. It’s not like we’re a couple or anything, but if anyone found out, it could get messy. You know?"

Ona nodded, feeling a sting of pain in her heart at the words ‘not a couple.’ But she pushed it down, reminding herself that she didn’t want anything complicated either. "Yeah, that makes sense," she said. "We should definitely keep it to ourselves."

Lucy’s fingers went to gently stroke Ona’s side as she continued. "And maybe… nothing should happen in the hotel rooms, either. You know, since we’re close to the team there and all. It’s.. uh.. how did they say it.. a breach in professionalism."

Ona’s heart gave a slight tug at the thought of not being able to have these moments during away trips, but she knew Lucy was right. "Right," she murmured. "Sorry that happened the other night, then."

‘’No, no.’’ Lucy smiled, taking Ona’s hand and bringing it to her mouth for a tender kiss, ‘’I do not regret that at all, it made us realize there was something going on, it just happened. I meant like, going forward we should probably not do it during work hours.’’ Lucy chuckled.

Ona chuckled back, ‘’yeah, okay.’’

Her mind wandered for a moment, imagining the whispered conversations and sidelong glances they’d share while pretending nothing was going on. Could they really keep that up? What if their teammates, who already joked about how close they were, figured things out?

Lucy’s voice pulled her from her thoughts. "And… no strings," she said, her eyes meeting Ona’s. "I don’t want things to get complicated, like for you as well, mainly for you."

Ona’s stomach clenched slightly, though she forced a smile. "Right," she agreed, even though her chest felt tight. "No expectations."

But even as the words left her mouth, she wondered if she could really stick to that. It was easy to say no strings, no complications, but every time Lucy smiled at her, every time their bodies were a little too close, Ona felt something more. Something deeper.

She pushed the thoughts aside as Lucy kissed her again, her lips warm and familiar. It was enough to let it be simple. To let them have this without asking for more. Lucy just didn’t feel the same pull as her, and that was fine. She should just be happy and enjoy what they did have.

As their kisses deepened once more, Ona allowed herself to get lost in it. Lucy was all she had to think about, she would consider all the other feelings tomorrow again.

The rest of the night was spent exploring each other, giving in to the attraction that had been simmering beneath the surface for so long.

..

As the morning sun began to filter through the curtains, Ona awoke in Lucy’s arms, their legs tangled beneath the sheets. The room was quiet, the soft sounds of their breathing the only noise between them. Ona felt no awkwardness, no tension. Just a quiet sense of satisfaction and the warmth of familiarity. If this was ‘simple’ like Lucy had said, she could absolutely live with their arrangement.

Ona shifted slightly, pressing a few light kisses to Lucy’s bare chest. “Good morning,” she murmured with a soft smile, feeling at ease in a way she hadn’t expected. Waking up in Lucy’s bed felt amazing.

Lucy stirred beneath her, her body stretching lazily. She let out a low hum, her arm tightening slightly around Ona’s waist. “Mmm, morning,” she muttered, her voice thick with sleep. Her eyes fluttered open, meeting Ona’s with a relaxed smile.

They lay there in silence for a few moments, basking in the comfort of the morning. But the unspoken question hung in the air: what now?

Ona broke the silence first, her voice soft but steady. “So… last night,” she began, tracing small patterns on Lucy’s skin. “That was… fun.”

Lucy chuckled, her hand sliding up to brush Ona’s hair back. “Yeah,” she agreed with a lazy smile. “Although I liked what you said yesterday maybe a bit more.” She mimicked Ona: ‘’fun.’’

Ona buried her face against Lucy’s chest, recalling how she had been worshipping Lucy’s name as she was brought to her fourth, uh maybe even fifth orgasm that night.

Lucy chuckled smugly, ‘’I take it that I have exceeded the expectations I drew?’’

‘’Yeah.’’ Ona replied shamefully, still hiding her face. ‘’You could say that.’’

‘’You were not too bad yourself either.’’ Lucy chuckled, poking Ona in her side playfully.

Ona squirmed, calling out until Lucy, who seemingly found it very funny, finally stopped.

There was a beat of quiet before Ona shifted slightly, propping herself up on one elbow so she could look at Lucy properly. “So, um… what does this mean for us?” She tried, curious what Lucy would say.

Lucy’s gaze softened. She had been expecting this question, there was no hesitation in her answer. “I think we’re good the way we are, like we said yesterday” she said simply, her fingers grazing Ona’s arm. “We’re friends, right? We’re probably best off not complicating that.”

Ona nodded, understanding exactly what Lucy meant. “Yeah, so we are friends that find eachother attractive?” She said casually as her heart fluttered inside her chest. 

Lucy’s smile widened slightly, her eyes warm as they locked on Ona’s. “Yeah, like, friends with benefits? Or how do they call it again?” The words rolled off her tongue so easily, her tone light and clear.

Ona let out a soft laugh, nodding as she leaned back against the pillows. “Friends with benefits, yeah” she repeated, the term settling comfortably between them. “Cool.” She said, maybe more to convince herself then to confirm she was in on the arrangement.

Lucy chuckled, pulling Ona back down into her arms, her fingers brushing against Ona’s back lightly. “Yup, no nonsense, no pressure.”

Ona smiled, feeling a weight lift from her chest. This felt right… sort of.. at least it was an arrangement that allowed them to stay close without complicating things. “Mhm,” she hummed in agreement.

There was a comfortable pause, the morning sunlight casting a soft glow across the room. Lucy pressed a kiss to the top of Ona’s head, her hand trailing slowly along her spine. “Alright then,” she said, seeming deep in thought, ‘’I think we should probably not be shy about discussing our boundaries and things, hm? Talk about stuff when we need to..’’

Ona nodded, laying on her side, pressed against Lucy’s warm body.

‘’and then..’’ Lucy smirked, wiggling her eyebrows.

‘’Mhm,’’ Ona grinned as she leaned in and pressed Lucy on her back, ‘’and then’’ she repeated teasingly, diving in Lucy’s neck, placing some kisses, ‘’then, we can have a lot of fun’’.

‘’Hhm’’. Lucy’s head fell back against her pillow. She groaned as Ona’s tongue trailed the skin on her neck.

Ona’s lips moved lower, trailing along Lucy’s collarbone with the same teasing intent from the night before.

Lucy smiled sleepily, her eyes half-closed, her voice warm but teasing. “Already? We just woke up.”

Ona grinned, her face half-hidden in Lucy’s neck. “Is that a no?”

Lucy laughed softly, shaking her head. “Not saying no, but... we literally just did this last night.”

Ona shifted slightly, her hand moving to rest on Lucy’s side. “I can’t help it,” she murmured, half-playful, half-serious. “You said friends with benefits, right?” She said challenging. She just couldn’t get enough of this woman, last night had been… Let’s just say Lucy wasn’t kidding when she said sleeping with her was good.

“Yeah, I did,” Lucy replied, her smile widening. She tilted her head to look at Ona with a raised eyebrow. “I didn’t realize you’d need a ‘friend with benefits’ this bad, though. You’ve got a lot of... urges to work through, huh?”

Ona’s cheeks flushed slightly, but she laughed, leaning back to let their eyes meet. “Maybe,” she admitted, her grin turning more mischievous. “I guess.”

‘’Yeah clearly,’’ Lucy’s laughter shifted into a soft groan as Ona’s fingers began tracing slow, teasing patterns over her skin again. ‘’I can see this arrangement is going to get a lot of use,'’ Lucy murmured, her tone caught between amusement and renewed desire.

Ona leaned in, pressing a gentle kiss to Lucy’s lips, her voice soft but teasing. “So… no complaints?”

Lucy chuckled, shaking her head. “Nuh-uh. None at all. I just didn’t expect you’d be so...”

Ona smirked raising her eyebrow. “So, what?’’

‘’I don’t know… relentless?’’.

‘’Guess you didn’t know me as well as you thought.”

Lucy’s hand slid up to cup the back of Ona’s neck, pulling her in closer. “Guess not,” she murmured before kissing her again, the tension between them building once more.

…

The past days Ona had felt a subtle shift in her and Lucy’s dynamic. They hadn’t slept together again since that morning, but the closeness between them had only grown.

No walk with the dogs was ever done alone anymore; they’d made a point of syncing their routines.

Their carpooling to training had become more than just a convenience, they waited for eachother if their schedules weren’t linking up perfectly. Those little things were part of a routine that Ona found herself looking forward to more and more.

But it wasn’t just the usual drives and practices that had changed. Their recovery sessions had changed too. Normally, Ona preferred stretches and physio after the cooling down, while Lucy was all about the ice baths. Somehow, they had started doing both their things together. It became their inside joke: the ultimate thorough recovery session. Joking that they would never have an injury again.

The ice baths weren’t so bad when Lucy was there, laughing with her. And she had been able to make Lucy laugh during stretching as Ona had made a, very quiet, teasing remark about how flexible Lucy was.

Still, despite all the time they’d spent together, Ona couldn’t stop thinking about that morning in Lucy’s bed. It had been five days, and she was starting to feel the ache again. She missed the intimacy they’d shared, and with every lingering look or accidental touch, it became harder to ignore.

Ona wasn’t sure how to address it. They’d agreed to have open communication, but for her it felt a little weird to just straight up ask for the ‘benefits’. She felt like maybe Lucy wasn’t feeling the same urgency.

Finally, last night, after an evening spent overthinking it, she texted Lucy.

@Ona Batlle: Hey, wanna have dinner at mine tomorrow evening?

She stared at the screen for a few moments, her thumb hovering over the send button before she pressed it. A few minutes passed, and her phone buzzed with Lucy’s reply.

@Lucy Bronze: Yeah, sounds good

@Lucy Bronze: Looking forward to it 😊

Ona smiled at her phone, her heart racing with anticipation. Dinner at her place was just a casual encounter, a normal evening with a friend, but she couldn’t deny the flutter of excitement that came with it. Maybe because there was a good chance they would ‘cross the line’ again.

…

The next afternoon, Ona was quickly tidying up her apartment, a little more nervous than she wanted to admit. She told herself it was just dinner with a friend—friends who happened to sleep together sometimes. That’s all. Still, she found herself refreshing her bedsheets and cleaning her bathroom.

She was arranging the pillows on the couch for the third time when she heard a knock at the door.

Her heart did a small flip. She took a deep breath, trying to calm the flutter of excitement, and opened the door to find Lucy standing there.

"Hey," Lucy greeted her with a warm smile. "Ready for the walk?"

Lucy’s dog was with her ex, but they had agreed to walk together any ways, this time just with Coco.

Ona smiled back, opening the door wider to let her in. "Yeah, just let me grab Coco, and we’ll head out."

As they walked through the quiet streets, their conversation flowed as easily as ever. But underneath the playful banter and casual talk, Ona felt the familiar tension building. She wondered if Lucy could feel it too. Like every time their hands brushed, Ona’s pulse quickened. She wandered if Lucy felt that too, it didn’t seem like it. Lucy looked totally cool, but then again, Ona looked cool from the outside too. She put a lot of effort to stay casual at all times.

When they returned to Ona’s apartment after the walk, the sun had just begun to set, casting a warm glow through the windows. Lucy kicked off her shoes, taking Coco’s leash of and putting it aside as Ona went and busied herself in the kitchen, starting on dinner.

"Need any help?" Lucy asked.

"Nah, I got it," Ona replied, her voice a little lighter than she felt. She could feel Lucy’s presence behind her, and it was taking all her focus to keep her hands steady as she chopped vegetables.

"So, what’s on the menu tonight?" Lucy asked, leaning casually against the counter, her eyes sparkling with curiosity.

Ona glanced up with a grin, trying to hide the slight tension in her movements. "Nothing too fancy, just pasta. Simple," she added, hoping Lucy didn’t catch the underlying weight of that word.

Lucy chuckled, a knowing smile on her lips. "Simple. Simple’s good."

They ate dinner with the same ease they’d always had, talking about training, the team, the usual stuff. But even as they laughed, Ona could feel something else lingering between them, the air felt thick. Her mind kept drifting back to the couple encounter they had had up to this moment, to the way Lucy’s touch had made her pulse race, and to the promise of more.

After dinner, they settled on the couch, Coco curled up nearby. The atmosphere between felt more and more charged. Ona could feel her heartbeat pick up as she caught Lucy’s gaze.

She didn’t know how to bring it up, didn’t know how to ask for more.

With a soft exhale, she shifted closer to Lucy on the sofa, her fingers brushing lightly against Lucy’s arm. "So..." she began, her voice steady but her heart racing.

Lucy chuckled, ‘’Ona.’’ She said softly, taking her hand.

Hearing her name she looked at Lucy.

Ona exhaled softly, feeling her heart race as Lucy took her hand. The warmth of her touch was grounding, but the nervous energy buzzing inside her didn’t quite fade.

Lucy’s voice was soft, a little bit teasing. "You don’t have to be so nervous." she chuckled.

Ona swallowed, her gaze meeting Lucy’s. She tried to find the right words, her fingers lightly gripping Lucy’s hand. "I’ve been thinking about... you know."

A small smile tugged at the corners of Lucy’s lips, her expression warm but mischievous. "Yeah?" she murmured, her thumb brushing over Ona’s knuckles. "I thought you might."

Ona’s breath hitched at Lucy’s easy agreement, her pulse quickening. "Yeah. I’ve been… wanting to."

Lucy chuckled, her hand moving up to cup the side of Ona’s face, her fingers brushing her cheek. "Me too," she admitted, her voice soft but sure. She leaned in closer, her lips hovering just above Ona’s. "It´s cute you made me a dinner for it, though."

With that, Lucy closed the gap, her lips pressing against Ona’s in a kiss that was slow, deliberate, and filled with the familiar heat that had been building between them. Ona responded instantly, her hands sliding up to tangle in Lucy’s hair as their kiss deepened, the tension between them breaking like a dam.

Lucy’s hands wandered, sending shivers down Ona’s spine. They shifted on the couch, their bodies pressing together as the kiss grew more heated. Ona’s fingers trailed down Lucy’s back, pulling her closer, the feel of her skin under her hands intoxicating.

Before long, Lucy’s hands found the hem of Ona’s shirt, lifting it up and over her head in one smooth motion. Ona did the same, tugging at Lucy’s clothes with desperate urgency. The couch beneath them creaked as they shifted again, Lucy’s lips moving to Ona’s neck, kissing a slow trail that made Ona gasp.

Ona breathed heavy, her body filled with anticipation.

Lucy’s smirked, her hands moving to unfasten Ona’s jeans.

They didn’t need to rush, but neither of them wanted to stop. Neither of them could stop, they wanted eachother. They wanted eachother now.

Their kisses grew more fervent as they stripped the last of their clothes away. The feeling of Lucy’s skin against hers, the way Lucy touched her with both tenderness and hunger, made Ona’s head spin.

Ona’s breath came in shallow gasps as Lucy’s lips left a searing trail down her neck, moving lower with purpose. Her touch, hot and confident, sent waves of heat through Ona’s body. As Lucy unfastened Ona’s jeans, her eyes flicked up with a mischievous smile, Ona’s pulse quickened in response.

Lucy tugged Ona’s jeans down, her underwear coming down with it, leaving her completely exposed, and for a moment, the anticipation hung thick in the air. Ona’s heart raced as she watched Lucy’s gaze darken with desire, her hands gliding over Ona’s thighs with a slow, teasing touch.

“Been thinking about this,” Lucy murmured, her voice low and filled with barely contained need.

Ona bit her lip, her body aching for Lucy’s touch. She had no words, only a burning desire that matched the heat in Lucy’s eyes. And then Lucy’s lips were on her skin again, kissing a slow, torturous path lower and lower. Her breath hitched as Lucy’s mouth hovered at her center, her eyes flicking up to meet Ona’s one more time, a playful glint in them.

Lucy didn’t hold back. Her mouth found Ona, her tongue pressing firmly against her, and Ona gasped, her hands clutching the couch cushions as her body arched involuntarily. Lucy’s touch was both gentle and insistent, but it was the hunger behind every movement that made Ona’s head spin.

She could feel Lucy’s eagerness, the way her lips and tongue worked with an intensity that left her breathless. There was no hesitation, no teasing, just something that Ona could only describe as hungry desire, as if Lucy had been waiting for this just as much as Ona had. Maybe she wasn’t the only one who’d been dying for this, Ona thought, her body trembling beneath Lucy’s touch.

Lucy’s hands gripped Ona’s hips, pulling her closer as her tongue moved faster, more deliberate. Ona’s breathing turned ragged, her fingers tangling in Lucy’s hair as she tried to ground herself, the pleasure building in waves, higher and higher with every stroke. Lucy was relentless, her mouth working with a single goal in mind, the heat of her breath sending sparks of electricity through Ona’s body.

Ona’s mind went blank, consumed by the sensation. All she could feel was Lucy; her mouth, her hands, the way her tongue moved with perfect precision. The tension in her body coiled tighter, the pleasure too intense to contain.

“Lucy,” Ona gasped, her voice barely a whisper as the heat inside her built to a breaking point. She was close. So close, her body was trembling uncontrollably. Lucy’s response was a soft hum against her, the vibration sending a fresh wave of pleasure through her.

Not longer then a few moments later everything inside Ona snapped.

The pleasure burst through her in an overwhelming rush, her body arching off the couch as she came undone beneath Lucy’s eager touch. Her hands tightened in Lucy’s hair, her breath coming in ragged gasps as the world around her faded away, leaving her sensing only the white-hot bliss of release.

Lucy didn’t stop until Ona’s body had fully relaxed, riding out the last tremors of pleasure. Only then did she pull back slightly, pressing a few soft kisses to Ona’s thighs before resting her head against her, her breath warm against her skin.

Ona laid there spend on the couch, her body still buzzing, her chest heaving as she tried to catch her breath. Her heart pounded in her ears, her fingers slowly loosened their grip on Lucy’s hair.

…

Both totally spend they laid on their backs on the mattress, their feet were laying at the part where their heads where supposed to be and their heads at the feet’s end.

It had been a couple of hours since they had finished dinner. They had been laying like this the last 15 minutes. Both of them were wading in their own euphoria.

One thing was for sure, they definitely had chemistry. Their sex was unmatched. Ona could only speak for herself of course, but she had never had anyone she clicked with so well, physically.

Lucy rolled on top of her, burying her face in the crook of Ona’s neck. She didn’t say anything, she just laid there.

Was she taking in her scent? The thought pulled Ona right back to reality.

Ona smiled, ‘’what are you doing?’’ She giggled.

Lucy groaned, ‘’mmm we have to shower, but I don’t want too.’’

‘’Yeah we should definitely shower.’’ Ona chuckled. ‘’But we can wait a little bit.’’

‘’Mhm, but we’ve got a game tomorrow.’’

‘’How late is it anyways?’’ Ona asked, not able to move due to the weight on top of her.

..

They stood under the warm water of the shower.

Lucy stood behind Ona, her arms wrapped around her waist, her lips pressing light kisses along the curve of Ona’s shoulder.

"I should probably go home," Lucy murmured after a moment, her voice low and regretful. "Get some sleep in my own bed."

Ona nodded, though a pang of disappointment twisted in her chest. "Yeah, of course." She didn’t want to seem clingy or too attached, but she couldn’t help feeling a little sad at the idea of Lucy leaving.

"This was fun, though," Lucy continued, her fingers tracing gentle circles on Ona’s stomach. "Really fun."

"Yeah, it was," Ona agreed softly, her mind already racing with the new memories they made this night.

Lucy pressed one last kiss to the back of Ona’s neck before turning off the shower and stepping out. As they dried off and got dressed, Ona felt the weight of something unspoken between them again.

She didn’t want Lucy to go, but she wasn’t sure if she could say that without making things more complicated.

Before leaving, Lucy turned to her with a playful smile. "You know, if you ever want to… do this again," she smiled, "you can just say so.’’ She thought about it for a second. ‘’Like… I don’t know, say like 'I’d like to do something simple'?"

Ona chuckled, a smile pulling at her lips. "Something simple?"

"Yeah, not that the thing we do is simple, but it would be like our little code," Lucy said, chuckling. "I don’t know, maybe I am being silly, I meant to say, like, just let me know and I’ll be here."

Ona smiled back, though there was a slight ache in her chest as Lucy got ready to leave.

..

Later, Ona was in her bed alone, her body still humming from the evening. She smelt the detergent of the sheets she had replaced, for the second time this day. She had debated leaving the other once on, having Lucy’s smell, but they were ruined.

She should have been happy. She was happy, really. This was what she’d wanted. Sleeping with Lucy. Yet, as she stared at the empty space beside her, she couldn’t shake the feeling that something was missing.

She thought back to the night at the beginning of this week. The night she’d spent in Lucy’s arms and the quiet comfort of waking up beside her. It had felt different then, more connected.

Now, lying in her own bed, Ona couldn’t help but feel a little hollow. A little alone.

She sighed softly, pulling the covers up to her chin, trying to ignore the loneliness settling in her chest. She could handle this. It was simple. She just had to keep reminding herself of that.

---

masterlist

[queenshelby]

Yes! Mr Murphy (Rewritten)

PART 33: THE FAIR

Pairing: Cillian Murphy x Reader

Warning: Lots of Angst, Age Gap, Teacher x Student, Pregnancy Loss, Infertility

Waking up in your old apartment, you stretch your arms above your head, feeling the crispness of the air as it slips through the slightly opened window. As you step closer, you gaze out at the familiar skyline – the roofs of neighbouring buildings peeking from between the branches of aged trees. Today is the day when you are going to see Cillian again, and by now, you have made up your mind. You wanted him back, regardless of what happened between you in the past.

There was no denying it. He had hurt you deeply, but you still could not forget how he made you feel when you were with him. His smile, his touch, his words – all these things were like a drug to you, making you crave more of him. It was not just about the passion between you two; there was something deeper, stronger even than the love you had for anyone else before. Maybe it was because you felt so understood by him. Or maybe it was because he saw parts of yourself that nobody else could.

You texted each other every day and had two dates since he contacted you one night after your performance at the Abbey. He was trying very hard to make amends, and deep down, you knew that giving him another chance might lead to heartbreak once again, but what scared you more was the thought of never experiencing that connection ever again.

So, today, you decided that you would give in. You would give it another shot. Today, you would meet Cillian for another date, hoping you could rediscover the spark that had once ignited between you.

"Are you sure about this?" Emma asked as she sat beside you, trying to understand your decision better. You had been thinking about it for days and finally told her what you came up with.

"You know what he did to you. Why take such a risk?" she wanted to know, cautioning you about what may happen.

"I do know," you replied, your voice softening as memories of past betrayals resurfaced. "But I also know that sometimes people make mistakes. I, myself, made plenty. He has been trying very hard lately, and, God, I miss him, Emma." you explained, your heart heavy.

Emma sighed, shaking her head gently. "Y/N, if he truly cared for you, why did he break up with you over something as trivial as age?" she warned you. "Despite, do you think that he will ever get over the age difference between you? What if you decide that you want children one day, and he does not? What is if you want something else that he cannot give you?" Emma then pointed out, and your heart ached to hear those words, but you remained steadfast.

"Cillian isn't perfect, and neither am I. We both fucked up. He may not get over the age difference between us and maybe it will cause issues later down the track, but I am still young, and I will regret not giving it a try," you admitted.

Emma hesitated, her brow furrowing. She knew you well enough to recognise your resolve.  "Alright," she finally said, sighing heavily. "If you really think this is the right choice, then I won't stop you. Just promise me that you will be careful, okay?"

You nodded solemnly, reaching out to grasp her hand. "I will," you swore. "And thank you for understanding, Emma. I would not have gotten this far without your support," you smiled, a little relieved that you could move forward. "Of course, sweetie, any time.

We have been through some shit together, and this is nothing compared to what we had to endure back in the US," Emma told you before giving you a firm hug.

"So then, provided that all goes well at the fair this evening, should I assume that you are not coming back home tonight?" Emma smirked, knowing very well that if you had your way, you would probably stay at Cillian's apartment and engage in passionate make-up sessions.

"We shall see," you teased playfully, your cheeks reddening slightly. "I should probably get ready," you told Emma before asking to borrow one of her jumpers. Emma chuckled in response, shaking her head fondly. 

"Sure, you can borrow it; just make sure you take it off before you engage in something inappropriate," Emma laughed lightheartedly.

Her comment made you roll your eyes, a small grin spreading across your face.

"Don't worry, Em, I am certain that if something was to happen, the clothes would come off first," you joked, and she laughed along.

"Good!" she responded before you both began to prepare for the day ahead, seeing that, before meeting Cillian, you had rehearsals at the studio starting at ten o'clock. 

Later that evening…

The evening of your third date with Cillian had finally arrived and you were eagerly looking forward to spending the evening at the Dublin Fair. Your friend Emma had told you about this festivity many times before and how magical and colourful it was and she sure was not wrong. 

As soon as you reached the entrance of the fairgrounds, you could not help but feel amazed by the sight that greeted you. The air was filled with excitement, the scent of popcorn, and the sounds of children playing in the nearby attraction.

Cillian was already waiting for you by the entrance gate. His charming smile made it impossible for you not to notice him, even amidst the crowd.

He wore his usual casual attire, a dark grey t-shirt and black jeans, worn-out leather boots and purple socks sticking out above them, complementing his striking looks perfectly.

He approached you with a warm embrace, followed by an affectionate kiss on your cheek.

"Hey," he said, his deep voice resonating with warmth. "Ready to have some fun?" he asked like an excited little boy, and you nodded, a wide grin spreading across your face as you linked arms with him.

"Absolutely, but first tell me, how is your new feline companion?" you asked as, together, you walked along the winding pathway that led towards the centre of the fairgrounds. 

"He is doing well, and Nina loves him," Cillian told you before pulling out his phone and showing you some photos of Nuggets.

"Look at this one!" he exclaimed, pointing at a picture where Nuggets was lying down, wearing a pair of sunglasses, looking quite adorable. Your face broke into a grin, and you both shared a light-hearted laugh.

"Oh my god, you did not..." you laughed, and Cillian confirmed that Nina took the photo, not him. 

As you continued strolling down the narrow pathways, the lively melodies from live bands began to fill the air, drawing you closer to the stage.

Each step you took brought forth more laughter, music, and cheer. Soon enough, you found yourself standing under the colourful tents, surrounded by the aroma of hotdogs and popcorn, with the sweet laughter of children echoing all around. It was hard to resist not stopping at every stand to taste the delightful culinary delights.

Your steps led you further into the heart of the fair, where the most vibrant and animated games stood.

The crowd seemed rowdier here, and the atmosphere was electrifying. As if sensing your excitement, Cillian pulled you closer to him, his hand firmly grasping yours.

"Come on, show me what you got," he suggested with a gleam before pointing to the balloon dart game in the corner, which you knew was a waste of money but fun nonetheless.

You agreed wholeheartedly, feeling a surge of adrenaline at the thought of attempting these games with Cillian. 

"Should we have a competition against each other? Whoever wins the most out of three games gets to pick the first ride?" you asked, playfully challenging him.

"Deal." Cillian agreed without hesitation, flashing you a mischievous grin. "Let's see who is better at throwing darts, me or you. I mean, clearly, I have at least twenty years more experience," Cillian told you with a smug smile on his face.

With a competitive spirit sparkling in your eyes, you both stepped up to the game, getting ready to aim at the colourful balloons hung above. The crowd gathered around, watching intently, adding to the electrifying atmosphere.

The game master gave you both three darts each, explaining the rules clearly to avoid any confusion.

Once he had stepped aside, Cillian positioned himself strategically, taking his time to aim and throw. His intense focus on the target was evident, and he seemed determined to win.

As you watched him, you couldn't help but admire his concentration and skill. His face contorted, and you adored how his freckled nose moved when he tried to put his mind to something like this.

You felt the heat rise within you, not just because of the competitiveness of the situation but also due to the chemistry simmering between you two.

As you threw your first dart, your heart raced with anticipation. With a mixture of precision and luck, you managed to hit a small balloon near the top, causing it to wobble precariously. 

This only fuelled your determination even more. In response, Cillian's face grew serious, focusing entirely on the task at hand. Taking deep breaths, he aimed at another balloon and released his dart swiftly. This time, he struck a bigger target, and the crowd applauded his success. You weren't fazed though, feeling confident in your abilities.

Carefully selecting your second dart, you concentrated all your energy on hitting the largest remaining balloon. As you took aim, your heart beat faster in anticipation.

With careful focus, you released your second dart, aiming straight for the biggest balloon left hanging. To your immense satisfaction, the sharp tip pierced the balloon, popping it instantly. A loud cheer erupted from the crowd surrounding you as you turned triumphantly towards Cillian, grinning proudly.

However, instead of displaying disappointment or frustration, Cillian merely clapped his hands together, acknowledging your victory. A subtle gleam of amusement danced in his eyes, and a faint flush appeared on his cheeks.

"So, about those twenty years of experience, huh?" you teased him as you both headed towards the next round of games. Cillian chuckled in response, his deep laugh filling your ears with pure pleasure. "Don't get too cocky now, young lady. I will still outplay you at many other things," he quipped, playfully bumping shoulders with you.

"We'll see about that," you retorted, nudging him back, your eyes twinkling with mischief before dragging Cillian to two more games, spending at least twenty minutes in this area before, finally, walking away with a plushie.

"So, what ride will you choose?" Cillian then asked since you had won all three games against him, and you suggested the rollercoaster as your first ride.

Cillian nodded in agreement, his eyes meeting yours intensely, causing a shiver to run down your spine.

Your walk to the rollercoaster line was filled with undeniable electricity as if the atmosphere around you mirrored the fire burning within you. 

Unsurprisingly though, as you waited in line, some women recognized him, whispering among themselves and giggling. Although he received a few glances from them, Cillian remained focused on you, completely ignoring their attention.

"I think you sparked their interests," you whispered to him softly, a slight hint of amusement lacing your words.

Cillian chuckled slightly. "I've noticed, but it doesn't bother me. Does it bother you?" Cillian asked, seeing that you were eager to keep your dates casual and out of the tabloids. 

You smiled and shook your head in understanding, appreciating his care for your privacy. "No, it's fine," you reassured him just as you reached the front of the line.

"Ready?" you asked as the anticipation of riding the rollercoaster together heightened your excitement.

"As ready as I can be," Cillian confirmed with a wink, sending a shiver down your spine before; finally, the attendant guided you towards the cosy car that would take you on a thrilling adventure. The sky was clear, casting a soft blue hue over the entire fairgrounds, making it seem even more magical than before. 

As you climbed into the seat, your fingers brushed against Cillian's, and you both shared a secret smile. An indescribable electricity coursed through your veins, heightening your awareness of each other's presence. 

The anticipation was palpable, building with each passing moment. And then, with a sudden jolt, the rollercoaster began its journey, soaring high above the fairgrounds, revealing breathtaking views of Dublin in all its glory.

"Look at this," Cillian exclaimed, gesturing towards the sprawling city below. "Isn't it incredible?" you asked, your eyes gleaming excitedly. 

As you looked out onto the vast landscape, the adrenaline in your system combined with the closeness of Cillian, creating an intoxicating mix. It was not long before you found yourself lost in his deep gaze, unable to look away. Your heart raced, and you could feel the heat between you escalating until, suddenly, the car rode down the deep descent.

This unexpected turn caused you both to clutch onto each other instinctively, your fingers intertwining tightly. Cillian's touch sent a wave of desire coursing through your body, causing your breath to catch in your throat.

"Fuck," you screamed and laughed all at the same time, enjoying the thrill of the rollercoaster ride mixing with the excitement of Cillian's touch.

"That was amazing!" Cillian agreed, his face flushed with excitement. He gripped your hand tightly as if he never wanted to let go.

"Absolutely insane!" you declared as you both leaned forward to inspect the view of the city unfolding beneath you on the second round before making a surprising admission. 

"You know, I have never been on a rollercoaster before," you told Cillian before the car dropped down the metal pathway for a second time. You closed your eyes, feeling the rush of adrenaline coursing through your veins, and then, it was over, and Cillian queried about your statement.

"You have never been on a rollercoaster before? Why?" he asked, letting go of your hand, his fingers lingering on yours for a moment longer than necessary.

"Well, in the US, my foster parents did not take me to places like this. In fact, they did not take me anywhere. They used all the money the system gave them to buy alcohol and cigarettes," you explained heavyheartedly. "Besides, they usually cost a fortune anyway," you told him, causing Cillian to turn towards you in pause. His expression grew solemn as he took in your words.

A frown formed on his brow. "I'm sorry. That must have been hard," he expressed genuine sympathy, and you could sense, once again, that he understood the pain you must have gone through.

Feeling your own emotion stirring within you, you reached for his hand and squeezed it lightly, trying to convey gratitude for his kindness. "It's okay, Cillian. Life has its ups and downs, right?" you tried to lighten the mood with a playful smile. "Anyway, we are here to have fun! Let's enjoy the rest of our night."

"Yes, absolutely," Cillian agreed wholeheartedly, returning your smile with one of his own. "Come on, let's find something else," he suggested before asking you whether there was something else you had not done before. 

"I haven't been on a Ferris wheel before," you admitted, smiling at the idea of conquering yet another new experience.

"Perfect, then let's do it," Cillian replied, already moving towards the Ferris wheel entrance with you.

The Ferris wheel operator ushered you both onto a gondola, which slowly ascended, offering breathtaking panoramic views of the Dublin skyline and, in this moment, a wave of uncomfortableness began to overcome you. You did not like the Ferris wheel stalling. It was much larger than the rollercoaster and, surprisingly, made you anxious.

Cillian noticed this and offered you his supportive arm, wrapping it around your waist in a supportive manner. 

"It's going to be fine; there is nothing to worry about," he told you reassuringly. 

You placed your hand on his, giving him a grateful smile. Feeling calmer, you allowed yourself to enjoy the view while the Ferris wheel turned leisurely, allowing couples on adjacent gondolas to engage in conversation or intimate moments.

As the wheel stopped again briefly to let passengers on and off, your senses heightened, and you could not help but notice how close you two were. The sweet smell of Cillian's cologne mixed with the fresh Irish air swirled around you, creating an intoxicating atmosphere.

"Are you okay now?" he asked as his warm hands cupped your own, reassuring you.

You nodded gratefully again, feeling the anxiety dissipate. "Yes, thank you," you murmured, giving him a gentle smile.

"You're welcome," he replied with an equally gentle smile and as the Ferris wheel continued to rotate, you both took turns admiring the captivating view of Dublin's nightlife, illuminated by a myriad of twinkling lights.

Cillian's hand, which still held yours, felt comfortingly strong and protective, and you could not help but feel an overwhelming sense of contentment. The world seemed to fade away, leaving only the two of you in this enchanting world of twinkling lights and vibrant colours.

Soon enough, the Ferris wheel stopped, depositing you both onto solid ground. Your feet met the warm pavement, and a wave of euphoria washed over you, heightened by the surge of adrenaline from the Ferris wheel ride.

You both walked aimlessly, embracing the festive atmosphere around you, finding joy in simple pleasures such as the sound of laughter, the taste of sugar-covered treats, and the bright colours filling the fairgrounds.

"So, what is your favourite kind of fast food?" Cillian asked as you stopped at a booth filled with traditional Irish dishes.

"Oh, well, I love fish and chips," you replied smiling, remembering the delicious meal you shared with him earlier.

"Fish and chips, huh? What's your favourite part of it?" Cillian inquired, curious about your preferences. "It would definitely be the flaky, crisp batter on the fish dipped in vinegar," you confessed with a laugh, imagining the tangy taste dancing on your tongue.

"I guess that means that, for our next date, I should take you to the best place in town for fish and chips," Cillian said confidently, already planning another romantic evening together. His easy charm made you feel at ease as if he was always looking out for your happiness.

"Another date, huh?" you giggled in response, blushing slightly at the thought of another romantic evening together.

"Only if you want to," Cillian responded, his eyes sparkling affectionately. He knew just how to make you feel special, and the warmth radiating from his gaze left no doubt in your mind that he genuinely desired your happiness.

"That depends," you smiled, feeling a flutter in your heart at the prospect of sharing more precious moments with him.

"On what?" Cillian asked nervously, glancing at you for reassurance. He seemed apprehensive, worried that your past experiences might affect your willingness to give your relationship another chance. 

"On whether we would be going on this date as boyfriend and girlfriend," you told him confidently, giving him a soft smile. "Because if we aren't, then this would be just another night out among friends," you pointed out, requiring some clarity. 

"But I don't want that," Cillian whispered, his eyes shining with determination. "We have already spent hours talking about why we broke up, and I have realized that it was foolish of me to end things over something as trivial as age. I can't imagine life without you anymore, Y/N" Cillian told you and your heart skipped a beat at his earnest declaration.

"Tell me that you love me," you requested, needing to hear those three little words from him after months apart.

"I love you," Cillian confirmed, his voice filled with sincerity. He paused for a moment, looking deeply into your eyes, as if searching for confirmation of his feelings.

You wrapped your arms around him, pressing your body against his, revelling in the warmth of his embrace. The sweet scent of his cologne combined with the subtle fragrance of the nighttime fair created an almost intoxicating atmosphere.

"How much?" you teased playfully, pulling away from Cillian's embrace to examine the delectable options lined up before you. Cillian watched you closely, amused by your curiosity.

"An awful lot, Y/N,” Cillian confirmed. “Do you know how much you mean to me?" he then asked, taking your hand gently and leading you to a corner where no one could see you. His eyes burned with desire, reflecting his deep yearning for you.

"I want you to tell me, Cillian. Tell me exactly how much I mean to you," you demanded with an urgency that surprised even yourself. 

Cillian drew you closer, cradling your face tenderly between his palms. With a fierce intensity, he proclaimed, "I love you with all my heart, and you mean the world to me. I was an idiot, alright? I was afraid of my own feelings, but I am not anymore. I want you back and I want to make things right. Fuck the tabloids or what people might think about it. I no longer care. I just want you, alright?" Cillian declared, his eyes brimming with passion before he leaned forward and pressed his lips against yours, a slow, tender kiss that sent waves of longing coursing through your veins. The connection between you both was undeniably powerful, drawing out a moan from deep within your core.

"Take me to your apartment," you eventually whispered as, even in the corner you had chosen, people saw you kissing and making out. "I want to be alone with you," you said breathlessly, running your fingers through his hair, loving the feel of his skin beneath your touch.

Cillian grinned, kissing you once more before turning to head toward the fair's exit point. 

"Are you sure you don't want to go on some more rights first?" Cillian asked, seeing that there was so much more to explore.

"I am sure Cillian. I much rather ride you," you joked playfully, causing Cillian to laugh. 

"I should have seen that line coming," he chuckled before replying, "Alright, let's head to my apartment,” he told you and, with the promise of hot, steamy nights ahead, you both exited the Dublin Fair, holding hands tightly amidst the crowd. 

The cool night air tickled your skin, sending shivers down your spine as you both ventured toward his residence. As the streets became quieter, your anticipation grew.

“I missed you, you know?” you said, as hand in hand, you wandered the streets, causing Cillian to stop and pull you aside.

“I missed you too,” Cillian told you, holding your hands tightly before planting another kiss on your lips.

[andreal831]

so as you might know from our previous convos that the Salvatores brothers had a much more hostile relationship in the books, and unlike the show, LJ Smith didn't sugarcoat this with any co-dependency plot or family obligations that the show did to excuse why Stefan putting up with Damon.

Like, Stefan is completely justified by the narrative in wanting to be away from Damon, considering what he put him through over the centuries.

So, my question is if the show decided to go with that version of their relationship where they always hated eachother and committed mutual fratricide (with show!Katherine & her meddling), what do you think would have been different?

Do you think Stefan would have hesitated less in putting up with Damon and staking him after Lexi's death?

Yes, and that's why the show made those changes.

I think they do a decent job of showing that Stefan is still justified in wanting to be away from Damon when they are first introduced. It's clear Damon only brings misery to Stefan's life. They were alive for over 175 years and spent most of that separated for a reason.

But I think the show also does a decent job of showing how complicated familial bonds are. People often argue that if someone is being abused, they should just leave. But it's a lot more complicated than that. Just because a family member hurts you, doesn't mean you stop loving them. Even if you should.

I haven't read the books, but I'll take your word for it that they are more hostile. And that works for the books. But it wouldn't work for the show that they wanted. I've talked about this with Caroline and Damon. Caroline's (and Stefan's) ability to forgive Damon is why the audience is able to. The show runners wanted Damon to be a "redeemable" character. If Damon did everything he did in Season 1 and Stefan was hostile towards Damon until the end of the show, he would be the antagonist. People may still like him and even root for him, but it wouldn't be as "justifiable. "

As you said, Stefan wouldn't have forgiven him for killing Lexi. Now in the show, they made it clear that Damon was stronger because he drank human blood, so Stefan wouldn't have been able to just stake him. But it wouldn't be the first time Stefan would have challenged someone stronger. I also think the show did a bad job of showing Stefan's reaction to Lexi's death. He was with Lexi for more of his life than Damon. She was his best friend and family. Damon killed her for really no reason and Stefan essentially just moves on. But again, the show didn't want the audience to linger on the anger too much. It was meant to shock and move on.

If the show was more like the book, the show would have turned into Stefan and Damon fighting each other over everything. I think that story would get old fast. The fact that they turned against each other for Katherine despite their strong bond in the show was meant to depict just how good Katherine was at manipulating them. She was able to wedge herself in even with their strong bond. If they hated each other throughout the show, they would obviously be easy to turn on each other. I could see Katherine using Damon's feelings for her, pretending she cared for him, to go after Elena in order to get Stefan back. That way she keeps her hands clean and can blame Damon, hoping Stefan would kill Damon and they could be together.

But again, it would be a quicker show.

It's really hard for a show to have two characters just hate each other the whole time. Even with the worst villains on TVDU, if they are on the show for more than half a season, they often found common ground with the protagonist. At some point Damon and Stefan would have had to resolve their issues, even if just temporarily.

Thanks for the ask!

[rainiishowers]

May I please ask for headcanons for the brothers reaction to this please

https://www.tumblr.com/rainiishowers/728513153299808256/after-doing-the-angelic-events-i-felt-my-blood

Warning: Not grammatically proofread

Genre: Angst to Fluff

Short Story It took about an hour for every one of the brothers to wake up. When Diavolo explained what has happened, all of them were on varying levels of angry. This was understandable, and Diavolo was the first to offer his apologies to everyone. He offered to make up for it, and they can ask a favor of him at any time. Simeon was quick to do the same, giving a heartfelt apology to each and every single one of them, and requesting that they don't be hesitant to ask him for a favor as well. Some were much more hesitant to accept the apologies, but it was more or less resolved. Mammon was the first to bring up MC. "Yo, where's MC? Shouldn't they be here?" "After MC and I got the bangles off, they stormed off after exclaiming how angry they were with Simeon and Diavolo and how they wouldn't talk to them until they apologize to you.." Solomon sighs. "If I were to guess, they would likely be at the House of Lamentation, and very worried for you all.”

Everyone was quickly in agreement that they should probably go back and let MC know they are okay.

Lucifer

He retained some memories of the event, and he was not happy with Diavolo or Simeon

Lucifer was also very worried for his brothers, as he was the first to wake up

But, pushing that aside, his heart swelled when MC heard them enter and went to greet them, checking on all of them and making sure they were alright mentally and physically

Later, when MC checked in with the brothers one to one, they asked if Lucifer was alright

"Thank you for being so concerned, but I'm fine, truly."

"I'm sure you have some feelings about what Diavolo and Simeon did to you, do you want to talk about it?"

Oh, he did. He had a lot of feelings about this

Lucifer knew it might be better to get it off his chest, and he did feel like he could safely confide in MC, so he asks them to close his office door and sit down

He was reasonably upset about not only the personality switch, but also the outfit

Lucifer explained he was curious as to how the bangles came to exist, and why Michael had them

“…Thank you for listening MC, it helps..”

Mammon

Two things he was concerned about when he woke up

What happened and his brothers

He was probably one of the most pissed off at the two, but he only showed half the anger

Mammon didn’t bother to put up much of a front when MC was worrying over them all, he was just glad they cared so much, albeit flustered

When MC went to do their one-on-one check ins, they peek into Mammon’s bedroom and sees him talking to his crows about how he felt about all of this

He felt.. sad about the whole thing

For one, he felt betrayed, and he felt disgusted at how the bangles made him and his brothers act

Being emotionally in tuned with MC as well, it helps him understands and relate to how the human feels

This combined with his own feelings made him decide that he definitely would not talk to Simeon or Diavolo for a while

"Do I sorta miss the Celestial Realm? Yea. But I've also adjusted well to the Devildom by now. I have for a long while now. I didn't wanna be put in those old stupid clothes and be reminded of my past."

The crows caw in response and MC frowns

Much later, MC set up a movie hangout, which caught Mammon by surprise

But.. he wasn't complaining

Leviathan

Levi didn't even realize that Diavolo and Simeon were apologizing until Mammon tapped him on the shoulder so he could say if he accepts the apology

He said he did, but he really didn't, and the others knew he didn't

Levi was the first to run to his room and just... be surrounded by nothingness for a while

He never liked remembering the past, he’s sure that not a lot of his brothers did

And he’s almost sure that Diavolo and Simeon knew that

So why did they have to go and do that?

About an hour later, he heard a familiar knock and MC’s voice saying it’s them

When he lets them in, he was pleasantly surprised to see they had some DVDs in hand

"Wanna watch some Ghibli movies?"

"...You mean it?"

"Of course I do!"

They ended up in a nest of blankets while they watched movies like Howls Moving Castle, and honestly?

Levi couldn't ask for anything better

Satan

He did not hold back his glares and comments when they all woke up

He refused to forgive the two, which is understandable

Satan went into his room and there were sounds of things being thrown and some yelling

When MC was sure he had stopped having his throwing fit, they knocked on the door and got some shuffling before Satan opens the door

They held a tuxedo cat, mostly all black with white features on it's paws, underbelly and mouth

He very noticeably softens and gently takes the cat from their arms and starts, of course, babying it

He was of course still not over the whole angels thing, but calmed down significantly

There were little words between MC and Satan, as they played with the cat with a lot of energy

Asmodeus

While he was glad to be able to relive the memories, the fact it was forced upon them made him the most angry

He made sure they acknowledged the fact they forced them into it before forgiving them

He wasn’t miserable when they got back, but he was definitely still miffed

So that’s why he sought out MC first and asked if they wanted to have a spa day in his room

MC could clearly tell he handled the whole situation with the bangles well, but was still a bit on edge so they just went along with it

Beelzebub

Being pulled into that, blacking out, and then returning again kind of had him speechless.

He forgave Simeon and Diavolo, asking that they don’t ever do something like that again

He was still a bit shaken up about it and tried to eat food to get his mind off of it

He definitely had some regrets before and after falling, but he didn’t regret following Lucifer

He can’t help but wonder what life would be like if Lilith never broke the rules

They probably would’ve fallen anyways, Lilith’s punishment and the brothers decisions to fight just happened to be the “catalyst” as Lucifer put it

“Beel? Are you okay?”

Beel sees MC beside him, leaning against the counter while looking at him in worry

“I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Mmhm. I’m sure.”

MC nods and hums

“Why don’t we go to Hell’s Kitchen? My treat.”

Beel’s eyes light up as he finishes what he was just eating and nods with a smile

Belphegor

He was salty, and he was going to remain salty for a while

Belphie gave an answer along the lines of “When I forgive you, I’ll let you know.”

He was happy during their angels years, but if he wanted to revisit them, he would just do so in his dreams

The angels clothes though, they were not comfortable at all

All in all, he was salty as a peanut and annoyed

So when MC found him in the planetarium, he drags them to cuddle him and doesn’t let go

“Belphie?”

“Hm?”

“After all what happened, are you okay?”

Belphie groans, thinking that the question was bound to come up.

“Annoyed? Yes. Angry? Kinda. Did I accept their apology? At least right now, no.”

“So you just want us stay here?”

“…Yes.”

“Alright, that’s what we’ll do.”

“…Thanks..”

[thejockout]

Update: It's been a while!

Hey all. Been quite a bit since I've been active here; lot of life stuff going on that's contributed to that, but most of it's resolved now and I'm planning a pretty active return to the scene imminently. I've got some announcements on that front that I'll try to keep brief, but I think anyone who's enjoyed my content in the past will be happy to hear them.

First and foremost, I'm going to be returning to file-making soon (end of 2023 or early 2024) with regularly scheduled releases. (My precise schedule is TBD, but I'm aiming to be release either once weekly or once fortnightly depending on how much of a backlog I can create.) I've got ideas/concepts for 20 files written out atm which would amount to either 5 months of weekly releases/10 months of fortnightly releases once written and recorded. But obviously some of those ideas might not work so well in practice/I'll obviously come up with new ones along the way too, so that number's in flux. I'm going to try to write and record ten before launching any of them, so that I don't leave a huge gap between them again. But I think you guys'll like them, there's something for everyone in what I'm planning to make. There'll be content like what I've made before, but sfw and nsfw, attending a variety of kinks I'm into.

Included in these releases are going to be updated versions of my more popular, previous files. At the moment, the files I am planning to remake are Chill Out, Bro; Blink's Good Boy; All Pups are Good Pups; and The Bigger You Are. Some of these I want to remake for reasons of audio quality, but others I straight up want to rewrite portions of to bring them more up to my current standards. I've run out of space on Soundcloud and a premium account is expensive, so I'm racking my brain for a better storage alternative. At the moment, Soundgasm is an OK backup, but I'm also considering just straight up trying Youtube/Tumblr's own audio system/Patreon's audio system on a free basis to see if they work alright. Speaking of which...

To support this expanded venture, I'm also going to be opening a Patreon + selling specific, exclusive files either by subscription to said Patreon or via platforms like Gumroad and other appropriate audio file vendors. I don't plan for all my content to be locked behind a paywall, of course. I'm planning some kind of dual channel release system where I have a certain amount of files that will be free, and then others behind subscription. But for those who don't like the idea of monthly subs, I'll be putting my Patreon-exclusive files on a third party purchase platform like Gumroad, Ko-Fi, or another suitable alternative. I appreciate that all my files previously having been free will make this annoying to some, but I am flat baroque... and realistically, each file being 4-10 hours of work (dependent on complexity) means that I really want to be seeing SOME income from this if I'll be putting a lot of time in. That's why at current, the final announcement I'm making is that:

I am now taking commissions. I've done 3 commissions in total at this point and had been keeping quiet about it while I didn't know what I was doing with the Jockout account generally, but I am now available to write and record custom hypnosis files for listeners. I'm hesitant to provide a flat rate because the cost of a file usually does come down to its complexity/length, but somewhere in the ballpark of 50-80 dollars is what I'm currently valuing the time spent on a file at, unless you want something crazy simple or crazy complicated that'll price outside that range. I'm in a Euro territory, so 50 dollars amounts to about 4 hours of minimum wage work here, which is pretty low for the amount of time a good file takes; but I appreciate that high barriers to entry are going to put people off, and I feel that way myself when commissioning. You can DM me here if you want to discuss a commission idea.

All in all, I'm pretty excited with what I hope will be the future trajectory of my page. I'm having fun learning more about hypnosis/exploring new ideas in writing, and I hope you'll all enjoy the fruits of that too! 'Til next time :)

[apricotbuncakes]

I Need Top Surgery ASAP

My dysphoria is off the charts. I've been doing literally anything I can to reduce the dysphoria around my chest but it is way too costly for me to buy trans tape that doesn't work well for me and chest binders that stretch out even with proper washing. Binding regularly makes it near impossible to breath and with my job as a lifeguard it's really unsafe to bind because of how hot the pool room is and the physical demand of the job. I end up having to bind anyway though because daily dysphoria is more crippling than milder dysphoria and some breathing troubles.

I've wanted top surgery since I was 14. For years I've had dreams of getting top surgery and crying when I wake up because it wasn't real. Now at 20 the possibility is finally here to make my dreams come true, for me to resolve my chest dysphoria and back pain, to make me feel more comfortable as myself. I've needed top surgery for YEARS but am just now reasonably able to get it.

If you donate ANY amount of money (a few cents, a dollar, five, ten, twenty, whatever!!) to this gofundme you will get your name personally written on a trans flag that I will share online! Anonymous donors will have their own section of the flag so you can still get recognition without your name being displayed publicly! So far the GoFundMe has raised $255! Through my own savings, the total money saved is a bit past $310.

Can't donate? Reblog, repost this GoFundMe to other platforms. Share with friends who may be able to financially contribute. Just share it around (and be sure to link the GoFundMe too!!).

More Info:

I realize some people are hesitant to just donate money to those they don't know so my ask box is open for any questions you might have about the GoFundMe, but I'll go over the broad strokes here too!

"Do you have someone willing to perform the surgery on you?"

I already have a surgeon willing to perform top surgery on me AND a therapist willing to write a letter to said surgeon to also verify that this surgery is appropriate for me!

"Why is it so expensive?"

The surgeon I chose has told me the price for the surgery itself is $8,500 BUT! My goal is $10,000 because of other costs associated with the surgery! Things like aftercare supplies (things to help with scarring, comfort items, etc), bills (car, phone, pet supplies, student loans) that I won't be able to earn the money for during recovery, and after surgery visits. There are other smaller expenses to take into account as well that I haven't listed. All of those things cost A LOT. I likely won't be able to work for a few months after surgery due to not only recovery time but also my line of work, which is why I'm including them in the surgery cost. All of these things have to be taken into account for the pricing, hence why my goal is $10,000.

"Why can't you just go through your insurance?"

The fuckers gave me an out of date list of surgeons in my area, most of which don't specialize in top surgery or related procedures, and SEVERAL of the surgeons on there are actually deceased. They have been of no further help on this. Of the surgeons eligible on the list, ONE responded (and he was an absolute dick who told me I had to lose weight before he would even consider performing it on me). They also have a load of requirements like being a whole year on HRT (I'm only 7 months at the end of April 2024), having a certain BMI (a bullshit requirement for ANYTHING), and a handful of other factors that I wouldn't be able to meet reasonably soon Truly, out of pocket is the safest and best option for me.

"Why can't you just get a breast reduction?"

What's the point of a reduction if I'm going to bind what's left anyway? I don't want my breasts. They distress me and make me dysphoric. Top Surgery is the best option for me.

"What happens if you don't need all the money you raised?"

In the unlikely event that I don't need all the money I'm asking for, I will likely use it for other important things in my life or donate the money to someone else who needs top surgery. I'll likely donate through GoFundMe, but I'll look around locally too in case there's someone who needs money in my community.

My ask box is open if you have any other questions not addressed here.

[shamrock313]

Evan and Natalie (Nov 3)

Back again doing a reading on these crazies. Anyway, please remember to take everything you read with a grain of salt. This is for entertainment purposes. Enjoy!

Please note that I completed my reading at 8:40PM, so between now and when this gets posted things could change.

Evan Mindset: 6oC - Nostalgia. Remembering and/or missing how things use to be. If we're talking about a relationship, he may miss the familiarity of it. This could be you know who, I'm not saying he misses her, but he might miss the genuine feelings he use to have. Of course, this doesn't have to come from YKW but from other past girlfriends.

"Reliving happy memories". Going to places / events that scream an exes name. Basically you take people to places you use to go with an ex. Will it be the same or different?

Career: 4oP - "Insecure, overthinking, paranoia, avoiding collab". I'm not sure what he's doing other than living his life. He could be working from NYC to get ready idk but there's something or someone that's putting him on edge rn. Could be some disagreements like for example: "Great idea Evan! Let's try this instead, we'll keep what you said on the backburner though".

Could be Ryan or another male figure in high leadership position. Could also be a woman with masculine energy or unisex name. (ex. Casey, Courtney, Taylor, Dana, Alex, Avery, Parker or names like Dominic/Dominique, Daniel / Daniela).

Oracle: Guardian - Someone is watching over him or he needs to take care of himself. Focus on himself and his needs. Protective layer around himself or his personal life.

Love Life: 6oP (Up and R) + 6oW + 3oS - This is like a tightrope. On one hand, all is good, but then there's this hesitation. To me 6oP is like a "transaction". That's how I see it. Its like a "I do this for you, you do this for me". It's also a give and take. One person could be putting more work in than the other (which we've seen in past readings). If you don't understand it's like let's say I help Evan write/revise a script for two hours, in return, I would like him to help me with chores or decorating the house. There are positive feelings in here, supporting each other, but there's still past baggage and tension that hasn't been resolved. Imbalance. Literally just picture him on a tightrope, he can either allow himself to fall off or make it to the other side. He's taking small steps.

Oracle: Crush, Family + Pay Attention to the Red Flags, 3rd Party Situation - Don't be surprise is we get holiday photos, there is a bond, there is infatuation. He is cautious and aware of things being off. As for 3rd Party that could be friends/family in his ear or the fans. It can be many things coming in between him and Nat.

What do fans think of his ongoing with Nat: 5oS (Rev) + Justice = Everyone is divided. We all knew that. Many can see the tension even those who aren't fans. On one hand, there's the sense of hoping this won't be a bad relationship. Hope these two can work what they have going on, but on one hand there is fairness. Trying to figure out if this relationship they have going on is fair and worth it.

Person A: I care, yet I'm side eyeing this

Person B: I don't know them. Let's not give in. Stop.

Nat Mindset - 4oC (Up and Rev) - There's a mix. (Up) Boredom, uninterested, unfulfilled, stagnation, disillusion. (Rev) Look to new opportunities, ways to do/be better, self-awareness.

Nat Love Life: 2oC - "encouraging each other to do their best / supporting each other" Feels she can (potentially) grow from this relationship. Emotionally invested and has a lot of hope.

Oracle: Committed + Take a Leap of Faith - So, these match up perfectly with 2oC. Despite all the bad, she's willing to jump in and fully invest and hopes he does the same. It's a risk. A big one.

Nat relationship with his fans: 4oS, 9oS, World = With the 4oS + 9oS, that's not good. Tension, anxiety, sleepless nights, constant worrying, pressure. There's a lot of stress and insecurity. For World, she can accept this loss as if accepting there's nothing she can do, Just accept defeat. We can also see this as her finding closure (turning off comments and not responding to fans). Or just simply trying to find a balance that works for her without her going overboard.

Oracles: Patience, Air Sign, Communicate: If she can not give in, she will be okay.

How Does Karlie Kloss feel about this: I'm not going to add my cards, but she has mix feelings too about this. Bit uncertain about this pairing, but she's trying to be nice about it. Thinks they have potential but she knows when to look away and not get too involved.

Overall: Knight of Cups (Up and Rev) + Hierophant = It's back and forth as always. There's infatuation, charming each other, supporting each other, but there's always someone who is becoming emotional distance. I swear they remind me of the college couple that use to argue on the stairwell next to my room. One minute they're at each other throats and two days later they are having lunch. I will say they are at least trying to find some structure. It's gonna take a whilllllllllllllllle for this to happen so good luck to them.

Oracles: Forgive and Release, Engagement + Moving = Compromise. Work things out. Forgive and forget. Engagement isn't what you all thinks it means. It's just another way of saying they are trying. Moving as we know is about "moving in with partner or changing location" but while I had time to learn, it goes into engagement as again trying to find a way to move into the next steps. Again, they got a long journey to go on to make this happen. It's going to be tiresome.

Are they dating or FWB? So, back in my reading from Coachella I put down, that they could be FWB with Evan potentially going to NY and meeting up with her for sexual reasons. The cards I had come out for this reading didn't give me a clear answer. Very much a grey area. Here's what I will say. If I were to ask Evan is he dating, because he doesn't know me, he will say yes, but for other people depending on how close he is with them, he'll say yes or no. I said waaaaay back in the Jon Bass reading (which I think got taken down) that it all depends on how he introduces her. Ladies, if he calls you his friend, jump ship. Vice versa.

Nat is very well aware (since May, I keep saying this) that there is issues. For her she keeps getting mixed signals. She's pushing things to the back of her head. The more it hits, it becomes clearer to her. She's holding onto potential but there is still underlying issues that need to be address.

[akehoshimystar]

Chapter 9

Ito: …….Yes, the operation was successful.

Shizuka: [I see. That's good to hear.]

After hearing my report, Fushimi-san sighed softly on the other end of the phone.

Shizuka: [I had Sugio sign a memorandum and added him to Okiya's watch list. I think that should settle things for now.]

[If it seems like she has time to listen, do tell her.]

Ito: …...Got it.

As for Kyoka-san, she will be waiting for her mother to regain consciousness tonight.

We'll stay with her for a little longer before we leave.

Shizuka: [Okay. If there's nothing to worry about, you can call it a day. Good work.]

Ito: Good work to you too.

Ito: (......Her mother's surgery went smoothly, and there’s nothing life-threatening. The stalker issue has been resolved, at least for now. The only problem that remains is…..)

Kyoka: ......Yashiro-san.

Ito: Kyoka-san. How’s your mother...?

Kyoka: She's still asleep. I'm going to buy some drinks. Would you like anything, Yashiro-san?

Ito: Oh. I'll go instead. I think your mother will feel more at ease if you're nearby.

So, what would you like?

Kyoka: .….Thank you. Then I'll have cold tea. Aizawa-kun said he wanted something that isn't sweet.

Ito: Alright.

Kyoka: Well then...

Ito: ………..

Kyoka-san.

Kyoka: Yes?

Ito: What you told me in the waiting room today. If you don't mind, may I share my thoughts on it?

Kyoka: …….Ah.

Yes... By all means.

Ito: ...Whether you tell a lie or a truth. Either way, there's a chance that it will end badly.

No matter which one you choose... Maybe the result would be the same.

However……

In this case, I think it's more important whether or not your feelings are conveyed to your mother in the end.

Kyoka: ...My feelings?

Ito: Yes. Your feelings towards your mother.

Kyoka: …….

Ito: ...That is just my personal opinion.

No matter what you choose, Aporia will affirm your choice and do what we can to help you.

Please set your mind at ease and choose.

Kyoka: …….Yes.

Thank you.

Shinobu: …….

A few days later. We have been informed that Sumire-san was doing well after the surgery, so we decided to visit her again at the hospital. Since my role was Kyoka-san’s former colleague, I went there as her friend.

Sumire: Thank you for coming today, Aizawa-kun. I really have a lot of free time, so I'm happy to receive some books.

Shinobu: It’s really nothing. If there's anything else you want, please don't hesitate to ask.

Sumire: Oh my! I really wish I had a son like you.

Ito: (Huh? Somehow, that was kind of...)

Sumire: By the way…. Have you guys canceled the wedding yet?

Ito: !

Sumire: That’s enough play for today. Don’t you think so, Kyoka?

Kyoka: How come.....?

Sumire: I knew it. It was just a hunch. I seriously wondered whether I should continue pretending to be fooled, though...

Since you would just keep feeling guilty, and wouldn't know my true feelings.

Kyoka: True feelings... Wasn’t it you who kept telling me that you want me to get married!?

Sumire: Kyoka.

Kyoka: That's why I... I wanted to make your wish come true... even if I have to lie. 

Shinobu: …….

Sumire: …...I'm sorry. Mom might have said it in a bad way.

If I were to disappear like this, you would be all alone. That's why I thought it would be reassuring for you to get married and have someone by your side.

I just thought that your happiness would come from not feeling lonely or being alone for the rest of your life.

I didn't realize at all that those feelings have been holding you back to this extent. I'm really sorry.

Kyoka: Mom.…..

Sumire: So, let me say it again.

Saying that, Sumire-san gently took Kyoka-san's hand and squeezed it, wrapping it in both her hands.

Sumire: Kyoka, you don't have to get married. There’s no need for love if you don't meet the right person. There are plenty of other wonderful things out there.

I want you to do what you want to do, and show me how happy you are.

That's what makes me the happiest person alive.

Kyoka: …….

Sumire: Can you do that for me?

Kyoka-san nodded vigorously at her words, and they hugged each other without saying anything.

Shinobu: …...All's well that ends well.

…….She finally managed to convey her feelings.

I nodded quietly at Aizawa-kun's gentle words.

Chapter 10

[barelytolerabled]

Part 12

Spencer Reid x fem!Reader

Summary: The resolution of your personal journey and your decision about your future at the BAU.

Warnings: none

previous

You had taken some time off to focus on your recovery and clear your head. You had been away from the BAU for a few months, and now you were finally ready to come back.

As you stepped into the bullpen, you were greeted with warm welcomes and smiles from your colleagues. They were all thrilled to have you back and were eager to catch up with you.

You were taken aback by the genuine warmth and kindness of your colleagues. You had expected some awkwardness or distance, given the difficult circumstances that had led to your departure a few months earlier, but everyone seemed genuinely happy to see you. Morgan gave you a big hug and whispered in your ear, "We missed you, girl." Garcia greeted you with a high-pitched squeal and immediately launched into a story about her latest tech gadget. Prentiss flashed you a sympathetic smile, and JJ handed you a steaming cup of coffee, which you gratefully accepted.

As you made your way to your desk, you noticed Reid standing off to the side, his hands tucked awkwardly in his pockets. He looked up as you approached, his eyes meeting yours with a mix of relief and apprehension. You felt your heart skip a beat as you took in his rumpled hair, the way his tie was slightly askew, the nervous twitch of his fingers. Despite everything that had happened, you still felt a deep connection to him, and the thought of seeing him again had filled you with both anticipation and dread.

"Hey," Reid said softly, his voice barely above a whisper. "Welcome back."

You felt a lump form in your throat as you looked at him. You had missed him so much, but you were also scared of what might happen between you now. You had left without really resolving anything, and you didn't know if you were ready to confront your feelings for him just yet.

"Hey," you managed to say, forcing a smile. "It's good to be back."

Reid nodded, his eyes flickering with something that you couldn't quite read. "I, um...I wanted to talk to you, if that's okay," he said tentatively.

You nodded, feeling a flutter of nerves in your stomach. "Sure, what about?"

Reid took a deep breath, looking down at his feet before meeting your gaze again. "I know things got complicated between us before you left. And I don't want to push you or make you feel uncomfortable, but I just wanted to say that I still have feelings for you. I never stopped caring about you."

You felt your heart swell with emotion at Reid's words. You had been so scared of facing your feelings for him, but hearing him say that he still cared about you made you feel like everything might be okay.

"I...I never stopped loving you, Spencer," you admitted, feeling a weight lift off your chest. "I thought about you everyday during those months away"

Reid's face lit up with a smile, and he stepped closer to you. "Really?"

You nodded, feeling a surge of joy and relief wash over you. "Yeah, really."

Reid's hand reached out and took yours, his fingers intertwining with yours in a gesture of tenderness. "I know we have a lot to talk about, but I'm just so glad you're back," he said, his eyes shining with emotion.

You felt tears prick at the corners of your eyes as you looked at Reid. You knew that you had a lot to work through, but you felt like you could face anything together.

"Me too," you whispered, leaning in to kiss Reid softly on the lips.

As you turned around, you caught sight of Hotchner, who was standing near his office, looking over some files. Without hesitation, you rushed over to him, throwing your arms around him in a tight hug.

"Hotch, I missed you so much," you said, holding him tightly.

Hotchner was momentarily taken aback by your sudden embrace, but quickly recovered and hugged you back, realizing just how much you needed that moment.

"I missed you too, kid," he said, his voice low and comforting. "It's good to have you back."

You pulled back from the embrace, wiping away a few tears that had fallen down your cheeks. "Thank you," you said, your voice choked with emotion. "I'm glad to be back."

Hotchner gave you a small smile, then gestured towards his office. "Why don't we go in and catch up?"

You nodded, feeling grateful for his kindness and support. As they entered his office, you couldn't help but feel a sense of relief. You were finally back where you belonged, with a team that cared about you, and a job that gave you purpose.

You felt a sense of closure and a new beginning. You had come back to the BAU not just as an agent, but as a stronger and more resilient person. You knew that the road ahead would be challenging, but you also knew that you had a team of colleagues who had your back and a man who loved you unconditionally. And with that thought, you felt a sense of hope for the future.

[thatgirl4815]

Elle..do we know anything about sandray endgame in the OF novel? ‘Cause atp i am 🥲✨SCARED✨

What is happening?? Ofts was going fine up until ep10 and ✨ep11✨ happens. What is jojo thinking?Why did they add Boeing in the penultimate episode. This should have happened during the halloween episode. Then this might have added much more sense.

Boeing: ep10:going after topmew;ep11:going after sandray;ep12:potentially going after boston(if the preview is correct) LIKE WTF IS THIS??!!

1. I am happy for bostonnick with whatever is going on for them(but i wanted an open relationship for them)

2. Topmew topmew topmew I have so many things to say about them like i am happy mew gave him another chance. (Not to make this about me But my ex was a cheater and i gave them a chance though we were happy most of the time i was paranoid if they might cheat again and it didnt end well..so this might be a ‘me’ problem)

3. Cheum babied him just like that, the girl who judges everyone and their mama for everything doesnt feel like what atom said and did is probelmatic????!!! Boston might have gone to jail!!!!

4. SANDRAY. Oh i am trying to collect proper words to write about them.. 💕BOYFRIENDS 💕they are painfully in love with each other😭 but sand baby ily i really do but wtf happened to youu!!i know you might have some lingering feelings about boeing(🤮)and thats okay but dont send away ray your BOYFRIEND and then go and talk to boeing(🤮)

OMG WHERE IS THIS GOING???HOW IS EP12 GONNA END??WE HAVE TOO MANY PROBLEMS TO SOLVE!!ARE WE REALLY GETTING SEASON2???ATP I AM NOT GONNA BE HAPPY WITH AN OPEN ENDING FOR SANDRAY I NEED NEED NEED HAPPY HAPPY BOYFRIEND SANDRAY

Unpopular opinion:they should have ended this with ep10 if they wanted to add boeing in the last 2 episodes

I am really so sorry for ranting so much i wanted to vent my anger somewhere🙏🙏

Love you lots!!❤️

I do not know anything about the novel besides a few snippets I've seen translated, but those are all of scenes we've already seen in the series. And I'm glad for that, because even though the anticipation is killing me, getting spoiled would honestly ruin the whole experience for me (and so close to the end would be heartbreaking).

I have to think that Jojo and the rest of the crew/writers know that adding an ex, particularly at the end of a series, is very common and--imo--is almost always a needless way of stirring up drama. The TopBoeingMew conflict was resolved fairly early in the ep, and I wasn't at all surprised with the way Boeing pursued Sand, but Sand's reaction still bothers me. I take it the writers are using the BoeingSandRay plot to 1) create conflict in SandRay's relationship after they've already resolved their other issues and 2) connect that conflict to Sand personally, seeing as many of the conflicts in SandRay's relationship have been from Ray's side of things.

It's certainly an interesting approach to use Sand's reaction to Boeing as further proof that he doesn't know how to no to people, even those that have hurt him most. While it's true that he didn't reciprocate Boeing's advances or say anything to suggest he was all for them, he also just allowed it to happen. Given what Boeing did to him and the state of his relationship with Ray, I find this behavior just generally odd. It's not entirely out of character, but...it is to some degree.

I'm pleasantly surprised that Nick is portrayed as way less pathetic in his relationship with Boston now. Yes, he was eager to get back with Boston last episode, but he's not groveling at his feet the way he was before. He even expresses hesitation over being in a relationship with Boston when he's going to move away soon. Interested to see if that dynamic will remain consistent or if Boeing will screw things up. (Also, about Cheum, I'm also quite frustrated that she brushes Atom's behavior to the side like it's nothing. Like that was a serious accusation people. Why are we acting like it's nothing??)

I'm glad we got that scene of Top crying to Mew and the discussion of paranoia and distrust in their relationship. I think they've established some healthy communication in the wake of Top's betrayal. This is a personal thing, and it's a valid reaction, but something about Mew's behavior towards Top at the beginning of the episode was incredibly annoying to me. First of all, using Boeing to make Top jealous is just stooping to Top's level, so I'm glad Mew quickly moved on from that. But something about Mew's expressions when talking to Top strike me as so entitled. Mew as a character rubs me the wrong way more often than not, and I'm tempted to say it's all because of that sense of entitlement just ebbing off of him at all times. He's justified in being angry at Top, but every time he's onscreen I can't help but get annoyed.

Prayer circle for happy boyfriends SandRay in the finale!! I'm a bit scared but still hopeful that once this Boeing mess is sorted out, they'll be okay. They were just fine until he came back, which tells me that once he's removed from the situation, they'll go back to being happy and in love. I choose to believe the best. 😊🥲 <3

[stranger-rants]

Hey👋🏿 I’m just copying and pasting a post I tagged you in because I’ve seen this topic get brought up in the Billy fandom a lot recently and I’m breaking my brain trying to understand where people are coming and thought your input might help me better understand if u don’t mind sharing any of your spicy takes? From other post of ur I know redemption arc make uncomfortable as well. Which I respect I guess I just don’t know why that would be for some so I’m asking. Might also help become more critical of redemption narratives cuz I right now love a good redemption.

Being genuine I thought redemption and recovery were like synonymous terms? I guess I have seen redemption used in a way that can be weird but idk

Tagging @stranger-rants cuz I’ve seen them bring this up too and maybe they don’t mind responding to my question. I want to understand in good faith where other people are coming from when they feel hesitant about redemption arcs I like thinking of characters being redeemed or even myself being redeemed. So I think I’m just genuinely overlooking points being made cuz I just don’t understand what other people mean in fandom cuz redemption looks different to me ig. It’s about wanting/ desiring to get healthier what ever that may look like for a given situation (that’s how I currently understand it but either way I find it’s important to understand what common consensus is how other people understand it? Cuz if not u know miscommunication)

I think this largely depends on how “redemption” and “recovery” are defined.

Redemption is primarily a religious term that has been taken out of its context and applied to other things much like other religious terms (e.g. “canon”). Redemption can be the act of saving someone from sin or the act of being saved from sin. For example, we could say “this [insert entity] redeemed them” or “saved them” or “they were redeemed” or “saved” from sin - sin is the key word. When this term is applied outside of a religious context, the implication of “sin” often remains. So, when people argue over whether or not Billy deserves “redemption,” it’s more so about whether or not he can be saved from his “sins” or past wrongdoing. Did his death redeem him? They argue over and over. (That’s also where we get the “Billy is an accidental Jesus figure” meta, as his death arguably redeems him and in fact results in the “salvation” of the town, but I digress). While we can use the word redemption to talk about how antagonistic characters can “change,” I am personally uncomfortable with some of the connotations of this word as they are applied to people who did harm while their agency was compromised or they were under duress, even if they made the “choice” to say and do hurtful things. The reason being is that it forces the individual to view themselves as a sinner who needs to be saved in order to avoid eternal damnation which is an extremely Catholic viewpoint that I know can do more harm than good (citation: My family is Catholic.)

I want to introduce a different word than redemption: restoration. We use this term in “restorative justice” to talk about ways harm (not sin) can be undone or repaired. Restorative justice is a voluntary process that the victims or targets of harm and the perpetrators of harm undergo to restore relationships and/or provide opportunity for personal growth and healing. The aim is not to eternally punish someone, but rather to recognize that harm was done and hold perpetrators accountable not just through the courts or prison or the threat of eternal punishment by a divine power. Billy is a teenager. He did some genuinely hurtful things to Max and to Lucas. Any of those things could have easily been resolved through counseling and restorative circles. Nothing he did was so egregious that it would be impossible for them to sit down and talk with a trained mediator. All of this could happen effectively if Billy was removed from his abuser’s house and given time to recover* from his trauma enough to be able to reflect on what he did while he was surviving. The whole thing would help him to process everything much better without feeling a crushing amount of guilt and shame that might not help him be a “better” person at all. I mean, look what Vecna did to all those traumatized kids. That’s just a reflection of how a punitive mindset can prevent healing and perpetuate rather than stop the harm.

*Recovery is about the individual, so I don’t particularly view it as synonymous with redemption or restoration. Instead, it could be considered as something that occurs parallel to those things. For me personally, I think recovery is less effective when it is done in the context of “redemption” depending on how people define “redemption.” If redemption is based on a single act (i.e. Billy “dying” for his right to be saved from his “sins”), then okay… maybe recovery could have happened had he actually lived, because that would involve the people around him accepting that his single selfless act supersedes any harm he did to anyone at any time and they’re more likely to support his recovery journey healing from his trauma. However, people often treat redemption like a “character arc.” It’s a long process that the character has to go through in order to prove they’ve been “washed clean” from their “sin.” I don’t think this helps with healing or recovery at all. Instead, it traps people within cycles of guilt and shame that can do more mental and physical harm. Allowing people the time to mentally and physically recover by addressing their mental and physical trauma through medical care and mental health care is more important to me, and it’s more beneficial to the long term healing of the community that they may have had a harmful impact on while they were just surviving.

Side note: I’m from Upstate NY, which is on Haudenosaunee land. There’s a story that I think illustrates this concept of recovery and restoration well. It’s the story of Tadadaho. This story is interesting because it’s not influenced by “western” European concepts of good and evil, nor influenced by Catholic concepts of sin. I would recommend anyone to read about it.

[huggybearsunshine]

Fewer Things 5

Sam stirred awake in the library, book abandoned in his lap and looking around for what woke him. Then the sound of boots descending the metal stairs pulled his attention to the room behind him.

“Dean?” his tired voice called and went unanswered.

He placed the book on the table and rose to his feet as his brother reached the foot of the staircase.

“What’s wrong?” he pressed, body tensing and brows stitching toward the middle of his face.

“It worked,” the hunter’s voice cracked as he said it.

“Worked?” Sam tried to shake the sleep from his mind, “Burying the box?”

“No, Sam, Cas is…” but Sam’s eyes had drifted up the stairs, “He’s standing behind me, isn’t he?”

“I’m sorry, but my stomach felt suddenly very empty and I also have to urinate,” Cas replied apologetically.

Sam’s gaze drifted back down and found Dean staring up at Cas with the softest adoration before he pretended to cringe.

“Just say you have to pee,” the older of the brothers laughed, “And there’s still takeout in the fridge, right?”

Cas descended the stairs and passed the two, offering a quick ‘Hello, Sam,’ as he did. Dean’s eyes followed before finding Sam’s again once the other man had left the room.

“What?” he bristled at the expression he found there.

“So Cas is back,” Sam raised his brow, “And also human… apparently.”

“I was trying to tell you,” he shrugged.

“You okay?” the younger asked knowingly.

“Better than,” he stood firm, but received an even higher raised brow in response.

“You sure?” Sam insisted.

“I’m a lot of things, okay,” Dean shifted uncomfortably, “Better being one of those.”

He stalked off, wishing to leave the conversation behind him.

“I’m gonna heat him up something to eat,” he tossed over his shoulder as he went.

Cas was coming down the hall toward him as he reached the kitchen.

“Come on,” Dean nodded for him to follow, and without hesitation the former Angel went.

After almost a minute in the microwave, near instantly forgotten as Dean stared at the other man like he was a revelation, the ding startled him into motion again. He placed a lopsided burger on a plate in front of Cas with such care, it seemed almost too precious to eat.

However, the hunger in Cas’ gut insisted.

“Not the best meal, but it’ll do the trick,” Dean commented as he sunk into the seat across from him, “Then we’ll get you showered and dressed in something that’s not drenched.”

“We?” Cas asked around his bite, and Dean’s brows knit in confusion as he replayed his words in his head, going pale when it hit him.

“What? No, I just meant…” but the mischievous glint in Cas’ glance loosened him again, “Are you… messing with me? Really?”

“I just needed clarity,” Cas feigned innocent.

“The hell you did,” he couldn’t help the tug at his lip as he crossed his arms over his chest.

“I have no other clothes,” the former Angel added, sparing the other man from commenting further down that line of thought.

“Right…” Dean sat up again, thinking for a moment before rising to his feet, “Keep eating, I’ll be right back.”

Dean passed Sam on his way out of the kitchen with a quick but evasive glance.

He seemed unsure of where to look since getting back with Cas, and Sam was starting to think he might have a suspicion to why.

“Hey, Cas,” he took the now abandoned seat across from him, a warm smile spreading at the sight of his returned friend.

“Sam,” he forced himself to break from eating in acknowledgement.

“We thought you were gone for good,” the hunter couldn’t stop himself from saying the thought aloud, “Are you… okay?”

“Yes, I admit, I did as well,” Cas nodded, “I am… feeling many things at the moment… but mostly, I’m just glad to be back… and to hear that everything with Chuck was resolved,” a crease formed between his brows as his focus dropped to the table between them, “I do have complicated feelings on Jack being God, though… I wanted a normal life for him. That’s why I… did what I did…”

“Dean wouldn’t tell me anything…” Sam revealed gently, “But I have to ask, Cas… What happened that day?” he tried, wanting to venture further, but a clearing throat in the doorway behind him saved Cas from coming up with a response.

“Let him eat, Sam,” Dean spoke gruffly, a clear and unquestionable warning to his words, before his eyes shifted to look at the former Angel in the seat facing him, “Got you these.”

He held up a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie, picked for comfort. Something loose, soft, and warm. The opposite of what Cas usually outfitted himself in.

He didn’t want to look any further into why he’d put that much thought into the garments. In fact, he was struggling to keep his thoughts as far away from that type of thinking as he could, resorting to counting the steps it took to get from his bedroom to the kitchen.

There were one hundred and forty-three.

“I think I’m full,” Cas cut into the hunter’s introspection to which Dean responded with a grateful smile, “Ready for that shower, I think.”

“Right,” Dean nodded, “Sam, you can clean up here. I’ll get him setup in there.”

“Yeah, okay,” Sam couldn’t help the smirk that pulled his lip.

Dean nodded his head for Cas to follow and the former Angel rose without another word to Sam.

Once they entered the hallway, there was a noticeable shift in the energy around them.

“How ya feeling?” the need to fill the silence finally got the better of the hunter.

“I’m fine… a little overwhelmed, but fine,” he assured him as they reached the room and walked in together.

Dean busied himself, gathering all of Sam’s toiletries with the assumption that Cas would like them more than the cheap shit he used.

“Shower might help with that,” he replied, placing everything in one of the stalls for him, “Good way to reset, you know?”

“Yes,” Cas nodded as Dean handed him a towel, “I found them very pleasant before… showers.”

His fingers touched Dean’s in the hand-off and the hunter froze, eyes instantly darting down to the connection before returning to Cas’ soft eyes.

“Thank you, Dean,” he commented sincerely, “For everything.”

“Yeah,” the word puffed out of his mouth on a breath, “Yeah, no problem…”

Cas watched him curiously until the attention seemed to remind Dean that he should be leaving at this point.

He cleared his throat, something he seemed to be doing in excess since Cas’ return, and pulled his hands away to take a hesitant step back.

“I’ll, uh- let you get to it,” green eyes shifted nervously before he backed away and toward the door, “Clothes are there…”

He pointed toward the nearby bench where they were placed in a carefully folded pile and gave another quick glance before he was out of the room.

Inside, Cas smiled sweetly toward the clothing and began to undress. While outside, Dean had pressed his back into the now closed door, shaky breath pushing its way out.

“Dean?“ Sam asked gently from down the hall, concerned frown scrunching his expressive face.

“Yeah,” Dean quickly stood straighter and schooled his face, “Hey, what’s up?”

“You okay?” his brother neared.

“Mm hm,” Dean’s voice came out clipped and forced, “Yeah, just realizing how starved I am… gonna see what I can whip up real quick.”

He brushed by the other hunter as quickly as possible to head back into the kitchen where he immediately started his search for sustenance.

“Dean, what’s going on?” Sam asked as he rounded the corner, “Something’s different between you and-“

“Sam, back off,” Dean’s voice shook as he tried to keep his calm.

He wasn’t ready, didn’t know his own feelings on the matter and sure as hell wasn’t ready to let anyone else in on them.

“Cas just came back,” he settled on, “Can you not just… let me be happy about that…”

“Yeah,” Sam looked taken aback for a moment, “Yeah, of course, Dean… sorry…”

He looked legitimately guilty so Dean loosened his shoulders and unbristled his defenses.

“Thought we could watch a movie,” he offered, “maybe have some beers and popcorn…” his eyes found his brother’s own awaiting him, grateful to the change in energy if not a little whiplashed, “What d’ya think?”

It looked like Sam was mulling something over before he spoke, “‘We’ as in..?”

“Me, you, and Cas,” Dean frustratedly answered, “Who do you think I meant?”

“No, right, yeah,” Sam stuttered, “Sounds good.”

“I’m gonna have a grilled cheese, you want one?” Dean altered his tone yet again, turning his back to him.

“I’m good,” Sam’s eyes searched the back of his head and shoulders as if he’d find some answers there, but it seemed in vain, so he let it go, “Thanks, though…”

A small nod was Dean’s only response, focus remaining unwaveringly glued to the stove at his fingertips until the sandwich was done. He found the task relaxing once silence filled the room and he could lose himself in the act, but by the time he sat down with his creation, Cas was padding his way into the doorway, barefoot with towel-dried hair and a much more contented look on his tired face.

Dean couldn’t help it if his smile got away from him at the sight, “Hey bud, how ya feeling?”

“The shower was… a nice reset,” he returned Dean’s earlier statement, “Thank you.”

“Thought it might be,” Dean forgot the other half of his sandwich entirely, “How do the clothes fit?”

“Well I think… much more comfortably than my previous clothes,” he replied back, looking down at himself, and that’s when Dean realized he hadn’t given the other man any underwear, “Especially after they were drenched in that sludge…”

He noticed Dean’s eyes fixated on the lower half of his body and he trailed off, head tilting slightly.

“What’s wrong?” Cas voiced the question written on his face.

“N-nothing,” Dean’s eyes immediately darted toward Sam, who seemed as though he wanted to focus anywhere but on his brother in that moment, “Uh… come with me for a sec, will ya?”

He stood, and as always, Cas followed without question.

They entered Dean’s room and the hunter went toward one of the drawers of his chest.

“Do me a favor and put these on, okay?” there was a blush to his cheeks when he handed the boxers over.

Cas squinted his eyes at him as he took them, “Something wrong, Dean?”

“No, uh… just…” he cleared his suddenly dry throat, “Gray sweatpants have a tendency to… um… geez,” he turned away, rubbing a hand over his face, “They leave nothing to the imagination, is what I’m trying to say…”

Cas looked down again and realized the meaning behind Dean’s roundabout description.

“Ah… so it’s a modesty issue,” the former Angel nodded, “I see.”

“Yeah,” another throat clearing rang out in the silence, this one less intentional than the last, “I’ll give you a minute…”

He brushed passed him, face even redder, and Cas felt his lips curl up in response as the door clicked shut.

Dean practically barreled into Sam on his way out, in too much of a hurry to notice the giant looming presence.

“Hold long have you been standing here?” he barked out as he stumbled back.

“I haven’t,” Sam’s eyebrows rose in an amused expression, “I was going to get my own pajamas on.”

“Yeah, me too,” he huffed out, eyes cast downward on his own feet before turning back toward his room.

“Isn’t Cas still-?“ Sam started as the door opened and the man in question stepped right into Dean’s space.

“Yep,” Dean side-stepped awkwardly into the room and slammed the door shut behind him, leaving Cas to confusedly turn to the other Winchester brother as he laughed and shook his head.

“What did I do?” the former Angel asked.

“I wish I knew,” Sam walked away, continuing to shake his head.

———————

@destiel-wings @destieliscanon5nov

[xivu-arath]

emperor's child reveal

(this will probably be the last one for today. there's. still a lot more. I wrote a lot of swtor stuff,,,)

“You can lock me up in my quarters, if you want,” Kira offers, arms crossed and not meeting their gaze. “Just until... we get to Tython. I know it might be weird, otherwise.”

Shenrihn tries to control their expression before she takes their disgust to be meant for her, and not the idea of locking someone they like – someone, despite their best efforts, that they trust – up like a prisoner.

“It’s fine, Kira,” they say, trying to stave off any kind of actual choice.

“It’s not fine! We’ve been fighting our way through Sith for over a month, and now you know that I am – was – a Sith myself! At least, you shouldn’t just go back to trusting me like nothing’s happened.”

They can’t tell her that’s what they would like to do, that it doesn’t matter since it was in the past. They know all too well how heavily the past can still weigh even when it should have long since been buried. But talking isn’t one of their strengths, especially when they can feel Kira’s resolve wavering, her outburst tinged with shame and regret. They don’t want her to hurt, but have no idea how to navigate from here to there. Perhaps her suffering right now is just inevitable, and they doubt the Jedi Council will be any more lenient with her than they were when they were brought in from Belsavis.

Still. They should say something.

“I don’t trust you less now than before,” they say tentatively. “I do not know much about the Sith.” Not much, except the flare of their lightsabers and the familiar feeling of lightning crawling over their skin, the rage they brought to bear in those moments before they died. Like the Rakata, and also wholly not. It’s fortunate that someone trying to kill them keeps Shenrihn from having to puzzle out how to feel about it. “But I know the dark side. I am the last person in the galaxy to... to hate you, or think you dangerous, just because of what you were trained to use in the past.”

“And why is that? Do you just have a soft spot for me?”

They hesitate. What if she turns that same doubt and expectation of blame on them, as well?

“It’s because I am very much like you.”

She raises her eyebrows critically, and Shenrihn fights the urge to hunch their shoulders and look away. “You were never anywhere near a Sith until Coruscant.”

“I was not trained by Sith. But I was raised to use the dark side, and I had... no choice. Only I did not have a chance to run away somehow... or maybe I did, but was too afraid to see it.” Their accent grows thicker – it always does, when they’re emotional – and they pick their words carefully in response. “To escape, and become a padawan, and always have this secret... it is very brave, I think.”

She stares at them, and they slowly realize that she’s speechless – a first, in their experience. “Well... wow. I... uh, thanks. I don’t think anyone’s said that to me, before.” She reaches out, and then quickly remembers and draws back her hand, much to their relief. “It... means a lot. Though I bet the two of us are going to make the Council pretty mad – not just one darksider turned to the light but two. Doubt they’re going to let us out of their sight now.”

Their hearts sink, just a little, at the reminder. It had taken over a year to earn the privilege of becoming a padawan in the first place, and while Tython and the temple were beautiful, Shenrihn had stayed within their confines long enough a first time.

“You have given them no reason to doubt you,” they say, wishing they sounded firmer about it. “The Council will see reason.” Privately, they hope that they can’t afford not to.

[sacred-stanning]

Chapter 10 Part 1: A Traitor?

As Ephraim heads down towards this port town, we are reminded of the relationship between him and his former lance teacher, Duessel. Though they were from different countries, thanks to their similar personalities, they had a close, teacher-student relationship.

But as Ephraim is headed towards his destination, a messenger pegasus from Frelia arrives.

It seems that the Republic of Carcino, where Eirika was headed, is having an internal power struggle.

The country is divided by people who would side with Grado, and those who are appalled by Grado's invasion of formerly friendly nations.

The pegasus rider says that Eirika was reported to be headed to Carcino, but after that contact was lost.

Ephraim is, of course, worried about this, and he considers turning around and going to help Eirika, but he resolves to press on since defeating Grado is the most immediate, actionable course he can take on his own.

Selena catches up with Duessel, and he initially thinks that she has been sent to support him in his campaign.

Selena presses Duessel to give the orders to attack, reminding him that Renais is an enemy nation. Duessel is still reluctant, and insists that he needs to talk to Ephraim first.

To which, Selena responds, "Yahari, desuka." (It's like that, I see.)

She was testing his loyalty. Even though her emperor, who she holds in high esteem, had told her that Duessel was a traitor, it was hard for her to believe it about this man who devoted so much of his life to Grado until she saw it with her own eyes.

I also want to say how much I love this word, "Yahari", or "Yappari" in more casual speech.

It's such a flexible word, and it conveys a lot of information in one word. I feel like in most situations, it is best translated as something along the lines of, "I see, so things are like I suspected they might be, but I wasn't sure until now."

It's kind of like the English expression "after all", but it can just be thrown out all on it's own and it does all the work without even the need for any companion words, whereas English "after all" would need some help from the likes of "I see it's like that..." or something similar.

It's such a cool word!

So Selena is to take down Duessel, and Cormag is with her. Cormag expresses his doubts too. "Duessel is like a father to you and my older brother!"

To which Selena replies, "If the emperor orders me to attack someone, I will take them down without even the slightest hesitation."

Ephraim arrives just as things are turning, and sees the situation with Duessel under seige. He tells Seth they need to go help, and the army gets ready to run into the port to save Duessel.

Here's who we're bringing.

It's mostly pretty familiar faces at this point, but I'm including Tana because I love fliers, so I want to bring both Vanessa and Tana. And there's enough water and wall terrain on this map that it makes sense to have the both of them.

I also decided on Neimi over Artur. Both of them have kind of fallen behind, but Neimi can maybe shoot down one of the wyverns who's in formation with Cormag? And the more Artur falls behind, the more I wonder if I won't just replace him with Moulder anyway... (They both can promote to the exact same classes.)

Oh, but despite buying weapons from a shop on the map beforehand, I somehow managed to forget to get extra bows. Sorry, Neimi! You can hold out for one more map, right?

Here's our starting position. We've got an initial clump of enemies to our left, and a village that can be visited.

After getting to this point, we'll begin heading south over the bridge to the island/port where Duessel is.

Note the boat on the left. It's a ballista, basically. For some reason, they made these boat ballistas for this stage, and then didn't use them anywhere else in this entire game from what I remember.

It's bizarre in the same way that it's weird how ballistas have an attack animation like other enemies in Fire Emblem: Binding Blade (the first GBA game) but not in either of the other GBA games including this one, even though they are all built on the same engine, with (mostly) the same graphics and everything.

Here's the boat ballista. The one I showed above has a secret book that it drops!

The weapon (long arch) counts as a bow, so it's effective against fliers. But it also only has 69 hit, which is not that high.

Straight down over the bridge, we can see the first of the two islands that make the port. This one also has a village we can visit, and it is where Duessel and his fellow soldiers have holed up to resist the seige they are under.

Aside from land forces, there are also a number of pirates at sea.

Duessel is the leftmost one. He's critical for this map since his death is a loss condition. (Hence the little diamond mark on him.)

To the right is the other island that makes up this port town. We have two forts near the bottom, which will barf out sword enemies, and a big fort with the boss.

The boss is Selena. Or is it!?!?!

(Hint: The boss is not actually Selena. We'll see when we start the map.)

But we can check her out as an enemy unit! She has Thunderstorm, a seige tome, and Elfire.

Finally, on this little island below is where Cormag and his fellow wyvern knights are. Notice that there is one more boat ballista nearby.

I actually LOVE the design of this map. It feels like a very real port town, with the bridges, islands, and little inlets, and the big bridge to the mainland above. Like, I can believe that this place really exists, and I can imagine the traders and fishermen going about their day-to-day lives here!

But at the same time, it's also a good map gameplay-wise! The layout is interesting and gives you some terrain to deal with, and choke points to use.

And as we'll see once I start going through the map, there are also a bunch of fun side objectives, and a timed main objective to make us actually speed through the map without dawdling around!

Good stuff!

Next time: The aforementioned good stuff