#and nothing can distract you from your intrusive thoughts anymore

[envelopesofbadluck]

🐾Am I still enough?...was I ever enough?...🐾

[icarusredwings]

Thinking about Logan fighting with Wades Hullicinations and while it doesn't do shit, Wade finds it extremely romantic.

(Warning!! Mentions mental health issues such as ending your self and harmful intrusive thoughts.)

He just wakes up in the middle of the night to argueing and obviously, he gets all upset and ready to slash some face only to find that Wade's arguing with himself again.

You just see his shoulders, arms, and hair on the back of his neck go down as he rolls his eyes, rubbing his face because he's eepy.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

"T-trying to win an argument agaisnt this limp dicked fucker." And he just crosses his arms and glares at an empty seat, and some tears staining his cheeks. It's obvious it's been a while.

"Oh my god- Wade, It's 3 in the morning! There's noth-" But he sees him tilt his head and glance at the chair multiple times, more tears forming.

Logan sighs heavily and is like, "Fine. Where is he? What the fuck is so important that hes saying it at 3 in the morning?"

At first, he doesn't answer, and he just stares at the chair as more tears form.

It hits Logan now that this isn't like one of the jokey times about the films he makes in his head rather a more damaging kind. He comes over and pulls his chin up and is like, "Hey! Litsen to me, What is that garbage of a person telling you? Hm?"

He pats his cheek, and Wade cries more, trying to nuzzle into his hand, mumbling all the intrusive thoughts that his brain is subconsciously telling himself through visual and auditory falsehood. That no one loves him, how he doesn't deserve to be alive because of all the bad things he's done, how even Mary Puppins thinks the world would be better without him, etc etc. A load of bullshit bassically.

"What!? No! Why would it tell you that?"

Wade just shrugs and looks at his lap, thinking Logans is going to yell at him for believing it and be disappointed in him, but instead Logan just gets up and goes ape shit on this poor chair, kicking it across the room, stabbing it, hitting it, etc.

All while Wade is watching in awe, not because Logan is getting the shadow man but it's the point that he would go so far and make a fool out of himself just to bring him peace of mind.

During the fight, he glances to the hullicination and is like "Oh you're so fucked when he finds you." And in Wades head it turns to him with a look of worry.

Then logan stands up, panting and is like "Did I get him!?"

Wade can't help but to sniffle, wipe his tears and giggle because yeah, watching your boyfriend beat the fuck out of a random chair for you was hilarious. Al wouldn't be happy in the morning to find it in peices, but he was extremely happy. "Ppfft- you gottem Tiger!"

Logan nods, looks at the mess he's made, shrugs it off, and goes back to the bedroom with a yawn. "Good... If they weren't such a bitch ass coward they'd show their face now wouldn't they? But they're too scared. And do we litsen to pussies?"

"I-"

"Do not say yes."

"No(?)"

"Atta boy. Now come on. Im fucking tired."

Wade turns to the not so scary, anymore figment of his imagination and is like, "This isn't over asshole. He'll kill you ❤️" Then runs off to bed like, "Can I get big spoon!? "

From there on, Wade will tattle on the thoughts, sometimes swinging at them himself, calling for Logan to beat them up. So far, Logan has broken multiple chairs, a coat rack, and has put about 27 holes in the wall just so Wade can get a good nights sleep. He never actually gets them, but its the distraction and thought that counted.

"Logan.. they're back.." "Show me where."

When your boyfriend is delulu, Violence is the Solulu.

[arieswritez]

What do you think about Nolan? 😳

i think!!!!!

afab! reader; yandere nolan would baby trap you :)

cw; stealthing, baby trapping, breeding kink, yandere!nolan

if you menstruate, he'd innocently ask when your next period is. just to be prepared ofc! <3 and he is! always bringing you pads and treats you might be craving. going as far as to fly to other countries to get goodies in the most authentic way possible! lays in bed with you and cuddles his warm body against yours when you're having cramps or when you're just feeling sluggish and beat!

but . . unbeknownst to you: now he knows when you ovulate <3

and despite you climbing him like a tree, you always make sure to have protection. it's too risky without it. but that's nothing nolan can't work with <3 you act as if you're in heat: presenting yourself to him with your back arched and your hands on your pretty little cunt, spreading yourself open . . as if you needed to entice him anymore. when he places his hands on your feverish skin and adjusts you, the condom has already been slipped off of his cock and you're way too horny to notice teehee <3

gn!reader or amab!reader:

cw; power imbalance, inappropriate relationships, manipulation, blackmail, non-con, cheating (srry debbie ily), faux-incest, daddy kink

yandere!nolan would pretend to be your mentor :) you're a young, aspiring hero and you can't believe omni-man believes in you enough to take you under his wing!! the respect you have for him is immense and you like that he doesn't hold back. often, you're left with so many bruises on your body from training you can't tell which are accidental - from scuffs or bad landings - or which are from the amount of times he's pummeled you.

you're not cowed by his violence. you know he means well. so you start to use your injuries a point of reference for how far you've come. someday, you tell yourself, you'll remember this day and know these were all worth it. so you make it a habit to stare at the bruises in the mirror: whenever you catch sight of them in the showers / locker room of the guardians of the globe training facility.

luckily for nolan, you're not as observant as you should be. but he can fix that. he'll make sure you're as aware of your surroundings as he is when he's done with you.

because any other hero, any good hero, would be able to tell when they're not alone. a good hero would be able to spot nolan peeking around the corner as you stare at your battered body, his cock in hand :)

nolan's a patient man.

he can wait until he's earned your trust enough to confide in him. and predictably, you do. the two of you have a conversation in which you spill the reason why you want to become a hero in the first place. your parents weren't good people. a tale as old as time. in and out of jail for as long as you remember and you'd never had a good role model in your life until nolan.

and with those beautiful, innocent eyes, you look at him and confess he's like a dad to you.

nolan doesn't think he'll ever tire coming to the memory.

and he'll never let you live it down. no, no, no. how could he?

he hyperfixates on the thought and begins to overstep. acting less like a mentor and more like a controlling father. innocent things at first. no, you can't go out with your friends. we have training, remember?

and no, you don't remember. you specifically told him you wouldn't be free. but he won't hear it. says it's an emergency. that being a good hero sometimes means sacrificing personal time.

then, when you begin to show romantic interest in someone, love is a distraction. you're young. don't waste your time.

and when you've had enough of his intrusive behavior, behavior you have no choice but to call him out on. . nervously, but you do it nonetheless, he sends you a simple message that makes you crawl back to him.

do you want this or not?

you do.

more than anything.

so you agree to go to his house and talk. you sit with him and accept the beer he gives you. and at first, he's apologetic. but the more he drinks, the more the facade slips. he scoots closer towards you on the couch, lays his hand on your thigh, and tells you that he just wants to keep you safe. wants to make sure you're the best of the best but you have to trust him. and all you do is freeze and stare, only coming to your senses when he begins to lean in. with a racing heart, you try to turn away from the smell of beer on his breath, pushing at his chest, saying it's late. you should go. you should really go. but all nolan does is grab you by the wrists and demand you look at him.

he's like a dad to you, remember? it's what you said. you're supposed to listen to him. you're supposed to obey and do what he says. nolan knows what's best for you, why can't you see that? and if you want him to keep guiding you, protecting you, if you don't want him to abandon you like your good for nothing parents did, you'll do this for him.

so you get on your knees and watch as he unbuckles his belt in a hurry. you allow him to grab you by the nape of the neck and force your face down to swallow his cock. your nose nuzzles against his pubic bone: forced against neatly trimmed, greying pubes as you gag whenever his hips fervently move.

but don't worry, as your mentor, he'll make sure you learn how to swallow a cock properly <3

[lovelykhaleesiii]

Hi! Can I request a smut modern aemond comforting reader after a family tragedy and she ask him to help take the pain away by distracting her and he gives her comfort segs with lots of love because reader really needs it. Thank you!

Comfort Zone

PAIRING: Aemond Targaryen x fem!girlfriend!Reader [Modern AU]

WORDS: 1,175.

WARNINGS: mentions of death/grief, fluffy!Aemond, Daddy kink, female oral receiving, p in v sexual intercourse, swearing, cum play.

A/N - because I'm delving into my Aemond era again, this was a request I couldn't resist!

Death was an intriguing aspect of life. Not a foreign topic, however scarcely brought about in day to day conversation. It was taboo for most people, until faced with.

You had lost your beloved great aunt tragically. An inevitable loss, yet no less profound. She was dear to you, her existence was significant in your life, throughout your childhood to the grown woman you had become now.

Mayhaps, death had ended her own suffering, yet brought about your very own. You wept for her, mourned for her, and grieved with others family and strangers alike that knew of her. Days since the funeral, one constant remained at your sorrowful side, the warmth and relentless comfort of your boyfriend, Aemond. He refused to leave you alone, knowing how remarkable her loss was for you.

Whatever you desired and needed, he would summon in a heartbeat for you. Nonetheless, despite the circumstances, you had grown even more intimate with one another...

“Baby, what's the matter? You've been quiet since I've come..."

It was true: normally you would be a bit more upbeat basking in Aemond's comforting presence. You had no doubt that eventually time would heal your loss. Although, you knew some days would be easier than others, and today proved that. Running some mundane errands, you had come across something that ignited a core memory, a happy one of that, and yet you felt only for a fleeting second, a happiness, before the anguish struct you instantly, catching you off guard, you felt vulnerable and exposed to the elements. Rushing home, you immediately called for Aemond to come and see you, to watch a movie or anything to distract your mind. Without question, Aemond arrived a few solid minutes later, pulling up to your gravel driveway, with a bag full of your favourite snacks and goodies, he knew you would appreciate.

"N-Nothing, babe. I-I just saw something that reminded me of her-"

You had both been laying cosily, snugged together in the warm softness of your bed. Aemond kept an arm tightly wrapped around you, thinking all the distance had been spared, he somehow managed to tug you in closer against him. His other hand, softly brushing aside your loose strands of hair.

“Oh, baby—”

“It’s okay, Aem, really—”

“No, no it’s not. From the moment I came in, I knew you weren’t yourself. Tell me, what can I do.”

Your intrusive thoughts rocked backwards and forwards trying to decide whether the truth was fitting or not. Somewhat ashamed of what you truly desired.

"I-If I'm being honest, Aem... I just need a distraction. I don't want to feel this feeling anymore, I hate it. I-I just wanna feel good again."

The momentary, tense silence that filled the room had ceased, as Aemond nodded to your honest words, merely responding to no coherent sounds other than a "hmm."

Just as you were about to resume the film, adjusting your position to something more comfortable, Aemond swiftly intercepted your movements, lifting you and pinning you down against the plush mattress. His body leaning over your own, the sudden exchange had caught you off-guard yet you did not question him. By the unapologetic look in his hungry eyes, you knew precisely that he understood your needs.

"I think I can make you feel good again, baby. If you'll let me, hmm?"

You spared no exhaustion contemplating an answer, as you rapidly nod in agreement, encouraging his motives.

Guiding himself down, you found yourself in a compromising position: as your bright boyfriend, occupied himself intently, slowly pulling your panties down below, skirt lifted up, as he exposed your eager cunt face to face with his curved smile.

"Angel wants to feel good again, Daddy can make that happen. Daddy only wants what's best for his angel."

Like an ignorant pup, your obedient nods fall flat as your head rests back against the comforting bed, bucking your hips forward, your throbbing folds collide with Aemond's keen, moist lips. His long, ravenous tongue prying you open, as he nestles his head against your cunt, burying his face between.

His mouth suckles on your wetness, guzzling at your velvet folds, with his tongue lapping at your tingling bud. Your helpless moans begin to fill the vicinity of the room, as your hands find themselves tightly gripping and pulling at his strands of hair.

"Gentle, baby, gentle- So eager for me, huh? Angel's been craving for this for a while, my poor baby."

"Mhmm-Y-Yes-"

His occasional bursts to utter filth were not sparing enough in seconds to regain some sense. Your mind flutters back and forth from worldly consciousness, to sheer mindless ecstasy.

"Yes, what, angel? Don't you dare think you can forget your manners, now."

"Y-Yes, Daddy."

He had resumed long enough without uttering a word more, enough to have your folds slicked with your wetness, his mouth completely coated in your glistening mess. By the way he desperately wiped at his mouth, licking your ooze off his fingers, he was enamoured by your taste, like a man devouring his last meal, before removing his clothes with ease.

"On Daddy's lap, angel. Spread your legs for me- That's it, good girl-"

Softly tapping at your thigh, one hand snaked around your flesh, as his palm met with your ass cheek: the other preoccupied with guiding your hips down, planting his aching, hard cock deep inside of you. Your walls clenched tightly around him, engulfing his long length, feeling his tip thrusting viciously against your clit. Engulfing his mass, you swore you could feel the vibrations between your dull throbs in sync with his pulsating cock, sending electric chills down your naked spine.

His warm, blush lips remained latched to your soft skin, as he firmly suckled on the meat of your tit, his teeth nibbling gently against your flesh.

"D-Daddy makes me f-feel s-so good. W-What would I d-do without you?" Your stuttering words echoed closely against his ear, your nails digging and clawing into the pale skin of his lean shoulders and muscular back. You caught a fleeting glimpse of the reddened nail marks etching against his fair skin, before your eyes shut close with lust.

"Angel gets what she deserves- umghf- Been such a good fucking girl, taking care of everyone, but who's taking care of you?"

His muscular chest heaving with every breathless word uttered from his defined lips. Your sweat beaded body bobbing up and down, pressed closely against his own, you had never felt as intimate with him until now.

"D-Daddy takes care of m-me."

"That's right, s-so fucking right-"

For a few, endless nights it seemed and felt like, Aemond remained lovingly by your side. Whatever you desired and needed, he was at your beck and call. His company provided a distraction, although it eased the pain of your loss eventually. The hardship you endured, he endured with you, cementing your love towards one another. He was your comfort zone, however dire the situation may be, you knew you could endure anything, with him by your side.

general taglist - @succnfuccubus @fan-goddess @malfoytargaryen @bibli0thecary @m1ndbrand @connorsui @elegantsplendour @sylasthegrim @arcielee @s-we-e-t-t-ea @sahvlren @watercolorskyy @hypnos-daughter-certified @urmomsgirlfriend1 @backyardfolklore @snowprincesa1 @aegonslawyer @hightowhxre

Aemond taglist - @megatardisbaby

@harrypotteranna23-blog

credit for divider - @/itbmojojoejo

[froggapi-writes]

🩵┆Weight of the World Platonic!Tony Stark x Reader

Sad/Comfort Tony looks to you for reassurance after he hits a breaking point.

Warnings Just sad tony, depression Words 1125

☞ Masterlist

— “When you can't even explain what's going on inside your own head anymore.” Long-ish Drabble

You had never quite understood how heavy silence could feel until you found yourself sitting in the remote, quiet confines of Tony Stark's lab. It was late. The soft hum of machines and the occasional beep of monitors were the only sounds that filled the otherwise empty space. You had been here for hours, your fingers absently tracing the rim of your coffee cup, the warmth of the mug doing little to ward off the chill that had settled in your bones.

The world was a heavy place. The kind of heavy that sometimes felt like it might crush you if you didn’t keep moving, keep working, keep pushing. But even the most relentless of forces needed rest. And right now, it felt like he needed it more than anyone.

Tony had always been a whirlwind—faster than the world around him, making jokes to mask his pain, pushing boundaries to avoid facing his own demons. You’d known him long enough to see through the bravado, to see the brokenness behind his quick smile and even quicker wit. You’d seen it in the way his hands would shake ever so slightly when he thought no one was looking, or the way his eyes would linger on the ruins of his past, as if the memories could be reassembled if he just stared for long enough.

Tonight, the world had worn him down more than usual. You hadn’t meant to intrude, but when you found him stumbling through the lab, his usually sharp mind fuzzy and distracted, you couldn’t leave him alone.

You hadn’t said much when you sat down beside him—just placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. And that was all it took. Without a word, he’d slumped against you, the weight of the world suddenly on your shoulders.

Now, hours had passed, and still, Tony hadn’t moved. His body was curled in a chair, his head resting on the backrest, eyes shut tight. He was thinking, you knew. Thinking about everything and nothing all at once. It was the quietest you’d ever seen him.

“Hey,” you whispered, your voice a soft intrusion into the silence.

Tony’s eyes flickered open, meeting yours with that familiar glint of humor, though it was muted, as if the weight of exhaustion had dimmed it. His lips lifted up into a tired, half-hearted smile.

“Hey,” he murmured, voice rough, like he hadn’t spoken in days. “You’re still here?”

“Yeah,” you said quietly, not wanting to make him feel bad about your presence, though a small part of you wished you could be elsewhere. “Just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

Tony didn’t answer right away. Instead, he turned his head, gaze drifting back to the array of screens in front of him, each one filled with data and blueprints for the next iteration of whatever crazy project he was working on.

“I’m fine,” he said, voice distant. “It’s just...this never-ending cycle. The more I try to fix, the more I break.”

You nodded, not expecting him to elaborate further. You never did. Tony had a tendency to retreat into his work when things got too heavy, to bury himself in technology as if their electric glow was the only thing that could keep the darkness at bay. But you knew better. You knew that all the suits in the world couldn’t protect him from the ghosts of his past.

“The Avengers aren’t a cure-all,” you said softly, attempting to breach the topic gently without triggering his walls to raise. “We can’t save everyone.”

Tony’s shoulders tensed at the words. His gaze hardened, but he didn’t turn to face you. You could see the shift in him, the familiar disconnection he forced when he didn’t want to admit how much he cared.

“I’m not trying to save everyone,” he muttered, though his voice lacked conviction. “Just...the ones I can. The ones who matter.”

You watched him, your heart aching for him. He was always like this—always trying to be the hero, the one who could do it all. But you had seen the cracks in his armor, the times when the weight of responsibility threatened to bury him alive. Tonight was no different.

“I know,” you said gently. “But even you can’t do it all, Tony. You’re only human.”

His eyes flickered to you then, the sharp edges of his expression softening ever so slightly.

“I know,” he repeated, the words so light it was almost a whisper. “It’s just... sometimes it feels like it’s never enough. Like nothing I do will ever be able to fix it.”

You shifted closer, your hand still resting on his shoulder, offering what little comfort you could. You didn’t have all the answers, but you didn’t need them. All he needed was someone to sit with him, someone who wouldn’t judge, wouldn’t try to fix him. Someone who understood that sometimes, the best thing you could do was just be there.

“You don’t have to fix everything,” you said quietly. “You just have to be you.”

Tony let out a long, slow breath, his eyes closing again as he leaned back further into the chair, letting himself sink into the rare moment of vulnerability.

“That’s the thing, though,” he muttered, voice barely audible. “I don’t know who that is anymore. I used to...but I’m not sure anymore.”

You could hear the weight of those words. Tony Stark, the man who had reinvented himself so many times, who had built an empire from his own genius and ambition, had lost sight of who he was underneath all the armor. The truth of it flushed over you like a cold wave.

“Hey,” you asserted again, firmer this time. “You’re still you. You’re just... tired. And that’s okay. We all need to rest and reboot.”

For a long moment, there was nothing but the eternal, soft buzz of machinery, the air thick with unspoken thoughts. Then, finally, Tony spoke again, his voice a whisper, almost vulnerable.

“You’ve always been there for me, haven’t you?”

You nodded, unsure if he even needed an answer. The bond between the two of you had always been natural, a quiet understanding that neither of you felt the need to put into words. But now, in the stillness of the lab, you realized just how much that meant.

“Yeah,” you murmured. “Always.”

There was a long pause, that for once, you didn’t feel the need to fill. Tony didn’t either. He just sat there, leaning into the comfort you offered, a rare moment of peace in a life that was anything but.

The weight of the world might still be heavy on his shoulders, but for tonight, at least, Tony didn’t have to bear it alone.

And that was enough.

[frickinsleepdeprived]

Stress Relief~ (Giyuu Tomioka x fem! Reader) ***MINORS DNI***

Had this scenario for my "hashiras with a burnt out s/o" headcanons and it was too good to pass up as a good fic. So here ya go Giyuu simps LMAO

As a reminder MINORS DO NOT INTERACT

CW: Soft sensual sex, breeding kink, orgasm denial, reader being stressed tf out, Giyuu fucking the stress out-

...

Giyuu just got home from probably his longest mission to date, only to find you missing from the house. “Huh, I guess (y/n)’s still out…” he thought to himself, slipping off his shoes and hanging his haori on a nearby rack. But as he got closer to the room, he saw the door was open, which was unusual because you never leave the door open, especially when you’re going out of the house.

Upon further inspection, he found you scrubbing the deck in your pajamas, which could only mean one of two things. One, you’re either pent up with emotion, or two, you got over being pent up said emotions and you’re trying to distract yourself. “Who’s there?” your voice cracked, sounding hoarse as you spoke.

“It’s just me, what’s going on?” he asked, taking off his slayer uniform and putting something else on in place of it. You put your sponge back in the bucket of hot water and started scrubbing the deck, not even bothering to answer his question. You more than likely didn’t hear him ask anything, as you would usually drown out the noises of anything that could distract you from your current distraction. “(y/n).” you popped your head up upon hearing your name, only to find that Giyuu was talking to you. He sighed, knowing that something’s on your mind but you won’t falter so easily. So as you went back to scrubbing, Giyuu took the bucket and set it elsewhere so you’d stop working and focus on him talking to you. “(y/n), you’re doing it again. What’s going on?” you thought about it for a second. You weren’t really sure why you were acting this way, frankly you didn’t even acknowledge it in the first place. “Are you stressed out about something?”

“Possibly, I can’t quite put my finger on it though…” you sighed, looking up to the moon, asking for an answer. “But what I do know is that I’m sick of getting back to back missions and running around all the time. Just hope I can catch a break…” you admitted, but Giyuu also knew that there was so much more to this than just stress.

“Anything else?-”

“Everything, it’s everything Giyuu, I can barely breathe nowadays it’s so overwhelming. I just don’t know how to handle these intrusive thoughts anymore they’re driving me crazy… is there something wrong with me?” you finally said it all, allowing real tears to spill down your cheeks. He kneeled next to you, his shirtless form shining in a divine way in the moonlight. Rubbing your back he pulled you into a gentle embrace, picking you up and carrying you to your shared bed. “Giyuu?”

“There’s nothing wrong with you, I promise, and if I have to prove it to you then so be it.” he places you on the bed gently, moving to hover over you. His face looked heavenly in the dim moonlight mixed with the soft light of surrounding candles. It was almost serene to you, but it didn't stop any intrusive thoughts at all.

"Still don't see how there's nothing wrong with-" You were soon cut off by an unexpected kiss, one that seemed a little more heated than usual. Giyuu wasn't like this when he gets home after a mission. Was it really that stressful? He dragged out the kiss, wanting it to last a lifetime. If only oxygen wasn't a requirement to live.

"Stop, you're talking nonsense (y/n). There's nothing wrong with you, you're just stuck in a rut…" He leaned in to get closer to your ear. "And I'm going to make sure you get out of it, one way or another my darling…" He spoke softly, gently nibbling on your ear, making your breath hitch in your throat. He started undoing the tie to your robe, gently tugging at the soft fabric and tossing it aside. He sat down, pulled you up into his lap as you straddled his hips. Kissing you deeply as you shrugged off whatever fabric was adorning your body. You ran your fingers through his soft raven hair as he did so, tugging at the luscious strands making him groan. He took off the rest of your robe, exposing a satin bra and matching panties that you know he adores. Frankly you didn’t even realize you grabbed it before you went into the shower. “God you know that bra and panty set gets me going…” He dug his fingers into your hair, feeling it’s soft, cashmere-like texture. Trailing kisses down your jawline and neck he stopped at your pulse point, gently sucking on it as you moaned.

“G-Giyuu…” you whined, rocking your hips on his now hardened length. He groaned at the motion, only to lay you back down again to move to your chest. Undoing your bra and tossing it to the side, he gently cupped one on of the soft mounts, suckling on the other’s nipple so as to elicit another lewd moan from your throat. “Oh f-fuuck!”

“You like it when you’re pampered like this, don’t you?” he inquired softly, pulling down his pants bringing his boxers down with them. You marveled at how large he is, for a shy dude nonetheless. He took off your panties, tossed them to the side, and went down on you in one swift motion. Lapping up all of your arousal like a hungry man in the desert, but oh honey, you’re his oasis… and he’s one thirsty man.

“Fuck… oh Giyuu it’s so good…” you praised his tongue, which is making long, drawn out strokes on your folds. You gripped onto his head, keeping it in place exactly where you wanted him to be. He moved to slip a finger in your hole, using his thumb to toy around with your clit. “Fuck!” you yelped, arching your back from the wave of pleasure. As his finger started pumping in and out of you he realized it wasn’t enough, so he stuck in a second one to see what would happen. Well, it was a good reaction to say the least, seeing as how your walls immediately clenched around them.

“Ah, I see my beautiful girl likes being finger fucked, yeah?” Giyuu teased, finding that one spot and hooking his fingers, making you cry out his name.

“Ah! Giyuu right there!” you let him know what he was hitting. Only to make him push on the spot a tad more before pumping his fingers faster with every passing second. Your breathing was heavy, you were starting to see stars and you’re so close to orgasming… until he pulled out his fingers and quickly replaced what was there with his member. 

“You ready to relax, my dearest?” he whispered, just centimeters away from your mouth.

“Yes…” you breathed out, feeling his lips crash onto yours as he plunged in all the way. Using the kiss to muffle your screams, wrapping your legs around his hips and holding onto his neck tightly. You wondered how long he’s been pent up, he did spend about a month out in the field after all.

“Good, because tonight…” he leaned down by your ear, “I’m gonna fill you up, put a baby in you, and you won’t ever have to worry about anything ever again…” he spoke softly as he gave you short, sweet strokes with his hips. He looked you dead in the eyes, his gaze soft and knowing exactly what your body likes. A faint ghost smile appeared on his lips as he snaked his arms around your frame, holding you close with strong arms. “You’re going to be the mother of my children… got that?” he muttered in the crook of your neck.

“Y-yes… yes make me the mother of your kids Giyuu…” you pleaded to him, making him chuckle somewhat darkly. This wasn’t anything new though, this usually happens after a mission, but something about this makes you feel like he’s being serious.

“Fuck, baby you know how to make me feel so good…” he turned around so you’re on top, giving you free reign to do whatever you wanted. Slowly you started to rock your hips back and forth, giving yourself full reigns to pleasure yourself. "Yesss (y/n), ride my cock like a good girl…" He groaned out, wrapping his hands around your waist as he slowly picked you up and down at a moderate pace. Seeing you like this in the moonlight, it was intoxicating to him. But the noises you were making were even better.

"H-hah! Shit… Giyuu I'm gonna cum soon if you keep this up…" you felt the knot in your stomach growing tighter and tighter, not feeling too sure if you could go on for much longer. Hearing this, Giyuu decided hey why not just flip back over and go painfully slow? You know, just to edge you a bit.

“You’re gonna cum huh? Well, you’ll just have to wait a little longer for that my beloved…” his teasing was too much for you right now. All you wanted was a sweet release, a release from the tightness in your stomach that’s driving you absolutely mad. It was almost hard to not focus on your own orgasm, frankly it was something you’ve never done before. “You’re holding out so well for me baby…” Giyuu praised your patience, kissing your temple before looking you in the eyes. Every whimper, moan, groan, and cry of pleasure just adds to the fuel you’re giving him. Like gasoline on a fire, rain in a flood, wind during a tornado. With each passing second you’re unsure of how much longer you can hold out, usually at this point you’ve already tapped out. “Just a little longer my love.. I promise you it’ll be worth it…” he whispered those husky words in your ear, causing a shiver to roll inside of you.

“Giyuu… I wanna cum so badly, please just let me cum I’ll do anything you want. Just please let me have my release. I want it so bad please please please…” you begged and pleaded as your nails dug into his back, hearing him groan in response. He looked you dead in the eye, sweat sheening off of his skin in the moonlight, his muscular form holding you securely underneath him. He smiled, kissing your forehead to let you know everything will be okay. His movements became sloppy, his hips lost their rhythm, his breathing became hitched and sporadic. Seems like he’s getting close.

“Cum, do it now…” you held no hesitation as you felt the knot in your stomach release, letting out a loud and lewd moan that wouldn’t have been heard otherwise. Sooner or later he cums too, letting his seed fertilize your fruitful bounty. It wasn’t every day that you guys had sex like this, moreover, you’ve never had sex with him like this at all. But it didn’t matter as he pulled out of you, rolling over to your left trying to catch his breath. He looked at you, taking your hand and kissing it gently. “I’ll be right back, okay?” you nodded in response, unsure of how to form words at this point.

He came back a few minutes later with a hot towel, gently wiping you down to get rid of anything that could cause discomfort, he soon did the same with himself. Laying back down he pulled the covers over you both and brought you closer to him. Kissing you on your head as you looked at him with heavy eyes. “I don’t know what caused you all of that stress, perhaps it was because of me being away for so long. Or it may have been something else, but either way it doesn’t really matter now. Just relax beautiful, there's no need to worry anymore, okay?” You hummed in response, still unable to form proper words. All you wanted was to savor the moment, and so did he.

After all, there’s nothing better than falling asleep in his arms. Safe and sound knowing that one day, you both can really get on with your lives.

......

I'm so proud of this omfg

Hope you guys enjoyed! Let me know what you want to see next!

As a reminder MINORS DO NOT INTERACT

[vagabondreamer]

Good Night's Sleep

Summary: Y/N can't make herself cum, so Azriel has to help her.

Word Count: 1,891

Warnings: Smut. Minors DNI

Notes: Y/N is afab

It was unusual for Azriel to get a good night’s sleep. Oftentimes he was off on a mission as the High Lord’s spymaster, or his insomnia just got the better of him. He thought tonight might be different - Nesta and Cassian were already fast asleep by the time he got home, so he thought he was safe from hearing the non-stop banging that was a nightly occurrence for months. Azriel shed his outer clothing and put on a thin pair of pants, and threw his body into bed, his wings stretching beneath him. Closing his eyes, he begged for sleep to take him, but what he received instead was the intrusion of breathy moans flooding his ears.

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” he all but groaned. The moans weren’t loud by any means, he could barely hear them, but it was distracting enough to pull him away from a restful night. Trying to wait it out, he counted - he counted the weapons he had hidden in his room, he counted how many sleepless nights he had, hell, he even started counting the stars in the night sky. Gripping the pillow against his head, he tried to cover up the noises, but they only seemed to get louder - more desperate. He couldn’t take it anymore, he jumped out of bed, not bothering to cover himself up as he walked out of the room and straight to Cassian’s. What he had expected was for Cassian to be balls deep in Nesta, not for the pair to be fast asleep - well, that was until he had barged in. 

“What the fuck are you doing?” Cassian exasperated. Both him and Nesta were wide awake and on alert now. All Azriel could do was groan as he rubbed his face, realizing his mistake. 

“I can’t sleep,” he told the two.

“So you woke us up?” Nesta crankily replied. Azriel opened his mouth to reply, but a louder moan erupted from down the hall - where your room was. All three of them looked at each other baffled. Noises of pleasure had never come from your room before. These noises were different from Nesta’s and Cassian’s - almost like whimpering or whining - it sent a chill down Azriel’s back. 

“Sorry, thought it was you two,” Azriel all but mumbled, intending to go straight to his room and totally not shove his fist down his pants. This earned a snort from Nesta, which both males questioned.

“Please, I actually know how to make myself cum,” she said matter of factly. Their stares only contorted in confusion. She crossed her arms and stared pointedly at the males. “Oh come on, you can’t tell me you don’t know what those sounds mean.”

As if summoned, the moans from your room grew stronger, finally reaching to the peak - and then nothing. Just a loud groan of frustration reaching their ears.

“She can’t make herself cum,” Cassian said, finally putting the puzzle pieces together. Nesta only hummed in agreement. Azriel’s body was starting to heat up, it willed all his strength to not get hard in front of his friends. 

“So what are you going to do about it?” Nesta questioned Azriel. 

“What the fuck do you mean?” 

“Are you going to go help Y/N out, or what?”

“Why me?” It’s not that Azriel didn’t want to help you. Hell, it took everything in him to not fuck you dumb when the two of you were alone. Which is exactly why the two of you were rarely alone together. He made sure to always have Nesta or Cassian around - to chaperone him. 

Nesta laughed at his question, “Well, Cass isn’t going to fuck her. But if you won’t do it, then I guess I’ll show her.” Azriel thought she was totally bullshiting him, but she indeed started to get out of bed.

“Wait -,” Cassian started. He stared at Nesta as she headed towards the bedroom door, right where Azriel stood. “Can I watch?”

Nesta barked a laugh, and passed Azriel - who was standing like a rock, unsure of what the hell was going on. 

“You’re just going to let her pleasure Y/N?” Azriel asked Cassian. 

Cassian shrugged, “Are you?”

In a fast movement that can only be described as shadows, Azriel was pulling Nesta away from your bedroom door. He wildly stared into Nesta’s eyes, dominance pouring out of him. She only smirked as she pulled away from him and sauntered back to Cassian’s room. Azriel pushed open your bedroom door and swiftly entered, you wouldn’t have even seen him there had you not heard the door swing open. 

“Az? What are you doing in my room?” Your heart began to race at the thought that he was here because you had been too loud. Embarrassment flooded your senses as you gripped the sheets trying to cover your nude body as best as you could. It felt like an eternity as he just stood there looking at you - smelling your essence and frustrations leak out of you.

“You can’t cum,” he said nonchalantly, like it was the most normal thing to say to someone. “Show me how you touch yourself.” He slowly approached your bed, his movements miniscule, like he was trying to not scare you off. 

A whimper flew out of your mouth, “I-I can’t. It’s too embarrassing.” But you couldn’t hide how aroused that sentence alone had made you. Something about Azriel had always intrigued you, and the more time you spent around him, the more you wanted him to sink his big, fat, co–.

“Y/N.” Your thoughts were interrupted as he sat at the foot of your bed and gently removed the thin sheet that was covering your nude body. “Show me how you touch yourself.”

It wasn’t a question - no, it was a command. Sitting up against the pillows, you slowly spread your legs for Azriel. Your arousal was evident, your pussy gleamed with it. Your eyes danced along his body, his muscular chest had a thin layer of sweat - something you had seen so many times during training, his wings spread wide - you so desperately wanted to touch them, and finally you could see the strain of his cock beneath the thin layer of cloth that restricted him. A groan ripped involuntarily from your throat as your eyes met back with his. 

Slowly, your hand trailed lightly down your stomach and slid into the wetness of your folds. You were much wetter than when you had begun. Imagining Azriel was one thing, but having him sitting right in front of you was another. His hungry stare was analyzing your movements. You dipped a finger into yourself, a small moan being pulled from you as you pumped it in and out of yourself. You added a second finger, and it felt good, but it wasn’t enough, you knew you needed more - you needed him. 

“Az,” you practically moaned. He just about snapped at that, but he couldn’t, no he wanted to see more.

“Keep going,” he hoarsely said. 

A whine came out of your mouth, you were becoming desperate. This is how it always ended, you would build yourself up and up - moans and whines mixing together - just to amount to nothing. You moved your fingers in and out at an ungodly speed, and just as you felt like you might just climax, you stopped. Your fingers stilled, and so did your body. 

“Why’d you stop?” He wasn’t angry, but he certainly wasn’t happy at your stillness.

Tears welled up in your eyes, “Az, I just can’t cum.”

His eyes softened as he looked at your face - so frustrated at the situation.

“It’s okay Y/N.” He leaned in and caught your lips with his. They were much softer than you expected from an Illyrian warrior. “Want me to teach you?”

“Please,” you sighed.

He kissed you harder this time, putting all of his frustration and energy into it as well. He bit down on your lip, eliciting a surprised gasp from you, taking advantage of this he slipped his tongue into your mouth. Your tongues played with each other, and his hand began to run across your bare chest. His feather-light touches passed across your hard nipples, slightly pinching at them to get a reaction out of you. He pulled away from the kiss, only to start sucking and licking down your neck. Your hands ran through his hair, and you pulled slightly, earning a rough groan that went straight to your core. 

“Az,” another moan of his name went straight to his cock. He didn’t think it was possible to be this hard, but hell, everything you did made him hard at this point. He really wanted to take his time with your body, he wanted to kiss and suck on every inch of skin just to learn what would make you moan his name. But you were fucking desperate, and now so was he. 

Moving down your body, his head right between your thighs, he dove right in, licking a long stripe from your pulsing entrance all the way to your throbbing clit. The noise that was pulled from you was not from this world, it was fucking beautiful, was all he could think before he went back in for more. He dipped two fingers into your core, plunging them in and out in a rhythm you weren’t able to do on your own. He honed in on your clit, sucking it gently but with enough force to make you cry in pleasure. Your legs squeezed tightly around his head, and he had his shadows pin your legs apart to give him as much access as he pleased.

“It’s too much! Az! I can’t –” 

“Yes you can, you’re doing such a good job. Just let me take care of you,” was all he said as he plunged back into your folds. His lips wrapped around your clit as his fingers curled up inside of you. 

“Oh gods, Azriel!” You moaned. It was all too much for you and you felt like you were exploding as you came on his face and fingers. 

“Good girl,” he praised. He was like a starved man as he licked up your release. 

Your body was still feeling the aftershocks of the most amazing orgasm you had ever received when he came to lay next to you. He was sporting a boyish grin - one that you had never seen before. Your body was exhausted, but you still wanted to thank him, hell you still wanted to feel his heavy cock sink into you. 

He held your gaze as he said, “Y/N, I would love nothing more than to fuck you stupid, but I haven’t slept in 3 days, so how about an hour nap and I’ll make you cum more times than you’ve ever known.”

You giggled in response, “Az, I think we’ll have plenty of time to make each other cum.” You cuddled into him and closed your eyes and let sleep take you.

***

“Would you have actually done it?” Cassian asked Nesta as he lazily thrusted into her.

“What? Made her cum?” Nesta smirked. “Absolutely.”

“And you wouldn’t have let me watch?” He feigned sadness.

“Why watch when you can join.” A growl emitted from deep within him, his thrusting no longer lazy.

“Fuck, I love you.”

[auraworkshop]

Aura ukw, it's been YEARS since I'm trying to enter void which is literally within me. Now after trying every conceivable method, I'm feeling completely lost, I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I lost myself fighting somewhere </3

I CAN NEVER EVER ENTER THE VOID, IT'S JUST SO HARD FOR ME

WHENEVER I MEDITATE TO ENTER THE VOID, MY INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS DISTRACTS ME

IT'S BEEN YEARS, I FEEL LIKE I'M NOT MAKING ANY PROGRESS, I FEEL LIKE I'M NOT DOING ENOUGH

THESE DAYS THERE THINGS THAT ARE TOO “OFFICIAL” TOO “SERIOUS” TOO “TIME SENSITIVE”. YOU KNOW THESE TYPES OF SITUATIONS WHEN IT IS TOO “PHYSICAL” TO IGNORE

I am hella tired of EVERYTHING, sometimes I feel, I should just go and die somewhere !

I CAN NEVER ENTER THE VOID, IT'S JUST SO HARD FOR ME

~ Void state, although it seems a bit intimidating, is actually a very simple state. Your mind might believe that its difficult, but it's as simple as embodying the consciousness of I am. Let go of 'trying' to enter it and instead assume that you are in fact in void state now. You might ask yourself, how do I even know that this is void state? Just feel into your consciousness, focus on being and embody being. Let go of doubts and be at peace with whatever is in your body or around you. You only have to be. Stop worrying about whether you will enter the void state, you are already in it, it's your default natural state.

You are the space in which everything occurs, therefore, it is not something you can get into, but something that is already you. Simply remember that you are the void. Stop seeking it as an object and remember that it is your nature. Be it. You are that I Am. You are not in a body, a body is in you. The world is not outside of you, but completely within you.

WHENEVER U MEDITATE TO ENTER THE VOID, MY INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS DISTRACTS ME

~ When you meditate for the sake of entering the void, you are operating from the state of lack and need. This mindset automatically pushes you away from your goal. Instead, you need to operate from the state of already being in the void. You need to be already there. So when you meditate, focus on being in that void state, not on making it happen or making it happen today. Focus on being in that state now. The void is yours right now if you simply allow it to be.

IT'S BEEN YEARS, I FEEL LIKE I'M NOT MAKING ANY PROGRESS. I FEEL LIKE I'M NOT DOING ENOUGH

~ The moment you are dissatisfied with the progress, you are already not accepting yourself/current situation as it is. Every moment that brings dissatisfaction to you is an attempt to be something other than you are. You're trying to be something other than the 'I AM' with the expectation that this 'something' will finally feel 'right' when you become 'that'. And because you do not know what it will feel like you can never get to the future. You only exist now. There is no 'when' you get there. The process and 'progress'.

Just relax and enjoy the journey. Entering the void state is not about trying hard but rather about being. The more you resist what is, by trying and trying, the more you only prolong the process of reaching that desired state. Let go of all resistance, of the need to force and try, and focus on just chilling and enjoying. It is your birthright to create and manifest.

THESE DAYS THERE THINGS THAT ARE TOO "OFFICIAL" TOO "SERIOUS" TO0 "TIME SENSITIVE". YOU KNOW THESE TYPES OF SITUATIONS WHEN IT IS TOO "PHYSICAL" TO IGNORE

~ You see, even the things you are calling "too official" are only "too official" in your mind. To you. But what you need to remember is that you are not your physical body and everything you see around you is a reflection of what you are actually in your awareness. You are awareness. You are the awareness that is reading this message. Not your physical body.

When you will understand this deeply, that this whole life is a dream, nothing is real, nothing matters you will stop believing in those "too official" things.

I understand you :)

You have been conditioned to believe that it doesn't happen instantly. That you have to "work for it" because that is what's considered "real". You have been conditioned to believe that instant and easy is always a fantasy.

But the truth is this, you are that instant and it always is that easy because you are the creator. You don't have to wait if you don't want to. What you want, is yours already. Do not believe anyone telling you otherwise.

You are so powerful, that you feel lost or discouraged in this moment is just an illusion It is a test, or a lesson. But I know you've got this, because you have made it so far. You just need to trust yourself and know yourself and your own power. You can do it, and it's going to be great. I am so proud of you for how far you have come, and how much you learn more and more about yourself. This is going to be an amazing journey, you're doing so good, keep going !

We have so much power, power that goes beyond "logic" and "physics". We just haven't allowed ourselves to understand this yet. We are still identifying with this body or character.

You're infinite, beautiful, powerful, glorious, eternal.

What's better than this?

It's all you, remember that. All. Of. It.

The whole thing, even the "bad" parts. That's your power and your creation.

You know what you want, you know who you are. You are on this path for a reason and you are so deserving of what you are manifesting. Don't rush things, don't doubt yourself. Just trust the process. You are doing great. I believe in you and you can do this, the world is yours and it's waiting for you to live your best life You are loved, always ! 🤍

[stranger-rants]

Disabled Billy & Steve Week Day 5 featuring Billy's OCD & Body Focused Repetitive Behavior

TW - discussions of self harm, intrusive thoughts, nausea & purging (non graphic)

Billy snapped the rubber band against his wrist for the hundredth time while in the waiting room of the doctor's office. His knee bounced up and down and he counted each second of every minute, glancing up at the clock every five minutes that ticked by.

It was all he could do to distract himself from the overwhelming desire he had to drag his fingernails down his arms, picking away at the thin lines of red scabs running down the inside. The thin lines he put there that week.

Something he tries to hide in public until the urge becomes too strong and he can't help himself but scratch and pick. He knows what people must think. He's not hurting himself, or rather he's not trying to. He's stopping it. Yes, that's it. Stopping it.

Every appointment is the same. "How are your wounds healing?" "Okay." "Oh, don't pick at the scabs. I know it's tempting, but they won't heal properly that way." A nod. "Are the pain medications working?" "Fine, I guess."

Hopper picked him up after the appointment. The ride was silent. It almost always is. There isn't much to say to one another, and Jim has given up trying to ask him how these appointments go. The answer is always the same. A shrug. It's fine.

It's not fine.

Billy's eyes fixate on the veins in his wrist. He rubs his thumb against it, tracing them. Hopper glances at him as he does this and it makes him feel uneasy. Coughs. Says they're having pizza and wings and soda tonight, "so think about what you want."

Another nod that doesn't tear Billy away from his fixation. His nails drag experimentally against the skin there. His thumb digs in like a dull knife, tracing the blue green veins, making half moons with his other fingernails that don't draw blood.

"What are you doing?" Jim says, irritated. That makes Billy jolt up, eyes shifting immediately away from his wrists. Getting caught floods him with a sense of shame, but he doesn't really understand what's so shameful about it.

"Nothing."

"It doesn't look like nothing "

Billy closes his eyes. "Just leave it alone, okay."

"Can't leave it alone if you're hurting yourself, Billy."

"I'm not!" Billy snaps, because he isn't. He's fixing it. He's stopping it. Hopper just doesn't understand.

Jim sighs. Every day feels like one step forward and three steps back with the boy. He understands what he went through before The Mindflayer. He can even relate to some of it, but it's hard to understand everything else. He tries, but it's never enough.

That's what the therapist is for, but with Billy refusing to open up it's been hard for him to make any progress there.

Billy sinks into his seat. His brows furrow, and the thoughts pour. His arms tingle. His blood turning thick and black like tar. The smell and the taste of chemicals in the back of his throat nauseate him. He tries not to cry.

It's there inside you. It's in you, and you have to dig it out. You have to make yourself well. You have to fix it. You have to make yourself clean, and there's only one way to do that. The doctors can't fix it. Only you can. Only you can dig it out. Dig it out. Fix it.

It loops through his head, and Billy pulls and snaps the rubber band against his wrist again to make it stop but it wont stop. When he gets home, he slams the door and locks himself in his bedroom. He pulls out his tweezers and picks all his scabs off.

Billy comes out of his room for dinner. Jim hands him an unopened liter of soda. Billy wont touch drink he doesn't open himself anymore. It's one of a number of strange behaviors Jim has had to get used to, but he doesn't fight Billy on it.

He figures it has to be a control thing. The Mind Flayer must have put so many things into his body without his permission that Billy needs this. That's half true. The other half being that Billy thinks that everything and everyone is trying to poison him.

Billy knows that's not right or fair.

Hopper isn't trying to hurt him, but what if Hopper didn't know it was poison? What if he just washed his hands and the soap got in the bottle? What if he didn't wash his hands and germs got in the bottle? That could kill him in his weakened state.

So Billy takes his fate into his own hands and opens his own bottles. If he makes himself sick, then Jim doesn't have to feel bad about it when he dies. No one should feel bad about him getting sick or dying when it's his fault and he should've stopped it.

Billy eats a couple chicken wings, but when he finds a black vein standing out against the white meat of the chicken, he stops and stares at it. It's in there. It's in your food. Spit it out. Get it out before it's too late. Billy pushes away and runs to the bathroom.

He brushes his teeth after for what feels like half an hour, checking his tongue and teeth for black blood or discoloration. Satisfied with his inspection, he pulls his sleeves up to check the scabbing wounds on his arms. The wounds he put there.

Seeing himself and his work in the mirror, the guilt and shame rises in his chest threatening to choke him. God. How could anyone want to touch him like this? He just wants it to stop. He just wants it to all go away. He feels out of control and unwell and...

He needs help.

Hopper sits in the living room reading the paper when Billy shuffles in.

He looks up at Billy and frowns. Billy's eyes are red rimmed, screaming distress. His sleeves are pulled up. The angry red and raw lines stand out, and Jim tries to stay calm. It's hard not to react, but he steels himself just enough not to chase Billy away.

"What's up, kiddo?"

He's tempted to ask if he's okay, but that never goes well because he's obviously not and Billy's not good at answering that question honestly.

"I just want it to stop."

Jim stands up quickly and pulls Billy against his chest. Billy crumbles against him, sobbing. "Why won't it stop? No matter how hard I try. It just gets worse. I try so hard, but it just wont go away." He rambles on and on while Jim strokes his back.

"We're going to get you some help."

Billy snapped the rubber band against his wrist in Hopper's car. He was going to see a specialist in his condition. He had recently been diagnosed with OCD, and the past few months out of the hospital were starting to make sense.

The thoughts that were plaguing him all the time. All the weird things he did to make them go away. His inability to feed himself. The way that digging his finger nails into his skin felt good and bad at the same time.

Hopper pulled into the parking lot.

"You ready, kid?"

Billy took a deep breath.

"Yeah."

[loveyourlovelysoul]

You know how it works with anxiety: maybe you are tired or a bit stressed/overwhelmed or maybe not (maybe it's just unconscious are you actually feel okay anyway), until a sudden intrusive thought comes in offering you a very reasonable confirmation for any of your worries or preoccupations or frustrations. It starts growing as you give it importance and attention, and it keeps giving you more and more reasonable proofs for your fears and insecurities, until you cannot control it anymore: the story your mind is telling you, is so convincing you cannot stop listening despite it's carrying you down a hole of pain and heavy breathing.

It feels like there is no way out at this point. Your mind is right, you are unlovable, or this situation is not resolvable. But that's only what it wants you to believe: it doesn't want you to experience pain caused by change (even a positive one, but still unknown and therefore "unsafe"), so in order to keep you stuck in the same known comfortable place, it sends you these messages, not realizing they're even more painful than any change.

Despite how you feel, there's a way out. And it's trying to distract yourself as soon as you feel like your mind is starting to take you to a place you don't want and don't have to go. Anytime there's a similar "emotional trigger" (anytime you experience a similar emotion towards something, like lack of trust, of self worth, feeling stuck...), try to focus on something else and do not follow it when you're not ready to sit and have a proper talk with it (confronting it and trying to realize it's not trustable despite how reasonable it looks). Try to focus on your breathing and to take deep long breaths (inhale from your nose and exhale from your mouth for as long as you can, better if you can breathe with your belly too: at first breath in air in your stomach/lungs and then move to your belly, go slow); ground yourself using your senses: touch/caress your legs/body, smell something nice, hug something (like a soft blanket or plushie), feel your feet on the ground, drink water or something warm, hold a piece of ice in your mouth, sing, yawn, swallow (helps your vagus nerve to react), listen to calm music; walk, move your legs/body with slow movements or even shake your whole body (arms, legs, head.., like a dog shaking water away from themselves. also, make your lips vibrate together like saying brrrr); watch a movie, paint, do anything else you feel like that can calm you and help you, even sleeping. You can come back to those thoughts when you have a clearer mind, you don't have to do everything immediately: it won't change anything (even if your mind tells you otherwise: these thoughts and what they say, can wait to be solved and analyzed).

Trust that this is just a process and even if it will take time and you may experience this same pattern so many times in your life, you'll reach a point in which it won't have too much power over you. Be patient and kind anytime you'll experience a fallback. Just try to not discard your emotions and feelings for too long: give them attention when you feel grounded and stable enough (or talk with someone you trust or a professional figure: you don't have to do it all alone), try to understand and welcome them as they too are part of your self, the wounded part of you that needs help, love and support as much as any other side of you.

Even if it feels impossible, you can win over this. And know that you're already doing a great job by dealing with all the pain and stress this is bringing you. I am very proud of you.

Your mind knows nothing of how things will be, it has many good points but none of them is based on solid fundations: if something happened once, twice or even more, it doesn't mean it will happen again... unless you (unconsciously) create the same background for it to happen by listening to your mind's intrusive side. But we always have a choice, and before taking it, we can take our time to unwind and ground, be more stable, and in control of ourselves. Do not give up.

[oatmealdaydreams]

An Emerald Crown

Come suffer with me

Pairings: Creativitwins, platonic DLAMPR (background), gen

Trigger/Content Warning: intrusive thoughts, abandonment issues, suicidal thoughts & ideation, suicidal Remus, panic attacks, dissociation, suicide attempt (kind of?), touch-starvation

Description: On bad days, Remus wants nothing more than to be taken care of. The Imagination obliges when no one else will.

Extra: Hey look, it's "The Imagination is some entity of its own and is overly protective of the twins" hours. It's angst time, folks. Come suffer with me!

[Masterlist] | ao3 link

[Read under the cut]

The Imagination doesn't just answer to Creativity's call, but it tends to have a mind of its own, as well. 

So, when one of the twins is a little too lost and distressed? It will not hesitate to take care of them. Sometimes, that means leading them to a calm, warm place to let them rest in. Sometimes, that means closing itself off from everyone but the twins and not letting anyone near them until they're okay again.

Sometimes... sometimes that means stopping them from doing very harmful things before they end up Faded. 

~~~

Ya know, sometimes it just hurts too much to be alive. 

Okay, not alive, per se. Just existing. Sometimes existing is overwhelming and people say things, and then your f*cking thoughts are roaring at you- and all you want to do is tear off your skin and bury yourself ten feet underground. Let your corpse rot away and fertilize the soil. Let your lungs and organs decay and molt and feed the damn maggots wiggling in your stupid f*cking bones. How'd they get there? They'd have to bite into your skin and eat their way through veins and muscle to get to your bones. God, and now they won't stop wiggling inside of you and it's just so awful. 

Remus' bad days are a lot worse than the Others could ever imagine. 

Have you seen the sh*t he deals with on a good day? He isn't just the crude humour and uncomfortable commentary parts of Intrusive Thoughts. He's all of it. He tends to the Nightmare realm when he sleeps- which is dumb that he has to work when he sleeps- and that entails whatever wacky sh*t that the Others have going on inside their heads. He sees things and hears voices and knows the little shadow monsters that everyone has. It's not all bad. Virgil's monster loves to snap and bite at Roman's, and it's really f*cking funny when they start to brawl. It distracts them from spilling lies into those two's heads, at least. He can hear when the Others have those slimey, icky thoughts. When Logan thinks his value is equal to what he produces, when Janus is stuck in his own threads of lies and overcorrects everything, when Patton feels grey and numb and so lost because he's not sure what's helpful anymore. And when that happens, he always helps because f*ck that. They don't deserve to be tormented like that, and he loves them. He cares. He cares, and he won't let any sh*t even touch them if he can help it. So yes, he f*cking helps them out when those dumbass thoughts get overwhelming. 

Now see, Remus thrives on chaos. That much is clear, considering he's him and he's a little trash kraken. He loves throwing people off. It's really funny when they try to chase after him for exploding the kitchen again, even though they never quite catch him as he cackles down the halls. 

But as much fun it is to f*ck with the Others, he isn't exactly... excluded from being f*cked with. He has his own sh*t, his own intrusive thoughts. I mean, of course he does. He is Intrusive Thoughts, it wouldn't be more fitting for him to suffer alongside everyone else. And he's learned to manage them! They're not all that bad. Houses on fire and knocked out brothers? Not that bad. 

It's just when they get louder do they get more graphic. 

Sometimes the more graphic things are fine. Really, they are! Who doesn't like messy dissections of frogs and Lovecraftian horrors stitched together like a kid poorly made a f*cked up plushie for their friend? It's fine. Those are tolerable. It's fine. 

Then, there are the times when... when they aren't very manageable. 

When they start to whisper old lies from past arguments, how bad memories could become real again, why would they ever care about you? Worthless and irritating, it's a surprise that they even tolerate you. They'd leave you if Thomas let them. They'd leave you without a second thought if given the choice. Oh, why would they ever love you? Stupid child. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

You're so worthless.

Remus has bad days, and today is one of those days. 

~~~

He's not sure if it starts with waking up, but it starts somewhere. 

As per usual of the Others, debates and arguments are being flung around like monkeys throwing their own literal sh*t at a f*cking wall. Or like viscera splattering on the ceiling. Something happened with Thomas that made the resident emo freak out, and Logan is too busy trying to calm him down to deal with whatever the f*ck Janus and Patton are arguing about. Probably some dumb moral crap that he couldn't care less about. Or maybe some weird parenting differences when it comes to Virgil. Out of everything that's happened, no one expected them to become co-parents- but hey, might as well. At least they aren't throwing hands. Actually, no. That'd be more interesting and fun to watch than this sh*t. 

And Roman is trying to butt in with actual good advice for once, but hey, no one's listening and Remus is this f*cking close to hitting them all with his morningstar. God, do they ever shut up? He's literally right there. Roman's hard to miss. But yep- oh, Virgil's freak out is leaking to the Parents(tm) and now they're all joined into a mismatched argument. Great. 

So yeah, a normal f*cking day. 

Thomas already agreed to relax and take it easy, what the f*ck are they even arguing about?

Maybe you should leave.

He ignores his brain. That one's nothing new.

Leave them alone. They don't need you.

That one's also nothing new. 

"Virgil, there's nothing we can do right now. Please, just try to calm-"

"Don't tell me to f*cking calm down!" 

"Language."

"Yes, because his swearing habit is definitely the thing we should be focusing on."

"Virgil, please just listen-"

"No. No, Logan, you need to listen! It's f*cked and we f*cked up and I-" 

Virgil gasps and chokes, unable to breathe properly. It's like his lungs are bound and tied by horrible rope, and he can't stop shaking.

"Whoa, kiddo-"

"Oh, sweetie-"

Virgil nearly staggers, but Patton catches him as terrified tears fall down his face. He's stuttering gasps and breathing sharply, and- oh, sh*t. Sh*t.

"Hey, hey. We've got you, sweetheart. Just breathe with us, okay?"

"Can't-"

"You can, sweetie. It's alright. Shh, just breathe."

Virgil whines, and then Logan is holding his hand and rubbing soft circles on his knuckles. Virgil's Tempest Tongue still bleeds through his voice like watery tar. 

It takes a while before anyone speaks again. Luckily, this specific attack appears to be a short one.

"There we are, little one," Logan speaks gently as his friend tries to get a hold of breathing again. 

The encouragement urges him to keep trying. Eventually, his panic lets him have his lungs back and he's trembling less. He slumps in Patton's hold, now exhausted, and gets passed off to Janus as the other two mutter about arranging something. A pair of hands hold him tight, the warmth of another person filling his chest with safe, safe, safe. Another hand is carding through his hair, and a fourth one is thumbing away any stray tears. Virgil nearly closes his eyes. 

Roman joins Patton and Logan, summoning the fluffiest blankets he can think of and asking where they want them. The Others are making a soft little nest of comfort on the couch. Janus is holding on to a now-clingy lump of spiderling, and said spiderling is refusing to let go. As everything is set up, they all move to the nest and Virgil is cuddled relentlessly by the Others. His head is in Janus' lap, laying across Logan's and Patton's legs, and Roman is making sure everyone's comfily snuggled up together. Janus still cards a hand through the emo's hair. Logan is tracing patterns on his arm. Patton holds his ankles loosely and hums a calming lullaby. Virgil feels warm and safe, and exhausted. His eyes close as someone suggests a distracting and quiet movie, so he can just rest. His breathing evens out as he hears Janus mutter something about yes, sweetie. you can sleep, it's alright. 

All while this happens, Remus stands there, frozen and distant. 

All he can hear is his own blood roaring in his ears, and the dumb little words his brain likes to tell him. 

You can't do anything right, can you? Why are you just standing there? He needs help, and you do nothing. What the f*ck is wrong with you, not helping your older brother?

It's like someone blocked out every other sound. Ya know his ability, the one where he can muffle out everyone else and then his 'target' can only hear him? Remember when he used that on Thomas, in his introductory video? Yeah, that was fun.

But now it feels like someone else is mimicking his ability and doing it to him, and he hates it. He hears his thoughts and his blood and nothing else. What, did his ears decide to be picky? Why would they do that? Stupid f*cking ears. That's not how they're supposed to work. He's supposed to hear things. Hear the Others, hear whatever the f*ck they're talking about. How else is he supposed to do his job? Motherf*cker.

And his limbs and joints are frozen, stuck like they need oil or something. He's a stood-still tree, a demented statue. He's still standing in his spot in front of the TV, staring distantly, and omg- limbs, please move. 

No one's paying attention. I need to move, why can't I move?

Why would they pay attention to you? They need to look after Virgil. He's more important. You're just a little worthless pest.

Stupid, hopeless pest.

He wants to scream at his brain to shut up, but his throat is thick with ash and dust. It's dry and cracking like a crumbling cliff into the sea below. Maybe he's the cliff, crumbling down. Drowning aimlessly into a sea. He can't move, so maybe he is really drowning. 

And he wants to help Virgil. He f*cking knows how to help him. For Devil's sake, he lived with him for years, of course he knows how to help. Virgil was there when he was a newly-separated Side, lost and confused in the dark. He and Janus took him in. Virgil was like his older brother. He always took care of him, even when he felt scared or uneasy around him. He cared. He still cares. He needs to help his older brother. 

Let me move! I want to help him, let me help!

Why would he want you? You can't even do anything. Do you not care anymore? Is that really how you should treat a brother?

He doesn't notice when he starts trembling. All he knows is he can't move and can't help, and he feels so useless. Seeing Virgil hurt and panicking scares him. He wants his friend to be okay. He wants him to be safe. 

But he can't do anything.

It'd be better if you weren't there at all. Then, you wouldn't be hurting him by being so useless. Leave, leave and never hurt anyone ever again.

"...Re?"

Remus doesn't hear whoever calls for him, sinking out as soon as he can move again. 

~~~

Remus' crown is silver and cracked, adorned with shiny emeralds. 

It's a pretty sight. Something broken still being something important and beautiful. It's supposed to be symbolic for how Remus is, or at least just a cool accessory for him to wear around his own kingdom. His kingdom is a bit more chaotic and messy than Roman's, perfectly reflecting who Remus is. His 'half'. Well, not so much as his 'half' as it's simply his domain and section of the Imagination. 

Back when the twins were still getting used to being two instead of One, they figured out a system for creating in the Imagination. I mean, the Imagination itself might've helped a little, but the twins were pretty proud of themselves for coming to an agreement. They would have their own spaces to create whatever they wanted, Roman's fanciful kingdom and Remus' nonsensical nightmare-land. But, though having separate spaces, they also made a space for them to share. To create things together, just like being One again. Sometimes, when one or both of the brothers needs to seek refuge, they go to their shared space to just exist there. 

Maybe it's all the messy nostalgia of being closer as kids, or the faintest feeling of being whole, but it's Remus' favourite place to go when days get bad. All the creations they made as kids still stand tall and mighty, unwavered by time and conflict. It's the one space the twins wouldn't ever dare to ruin or touch. It holds too many memories, too many safe nights under the stars. 

There's a small tower there. It's protected by a lava-and-eldritch-horror moat to keep those inside safe and warm. Remus had made the moat; Roman made the tower. It has nothing but comfort inside. A bed of the fluffiest blankets and softest pillows, weighted plushies to hug to you until you snooze away, a fireplace that can be adjusted to your heart's content. Colours of mixed gold and silver, red and green. It's the safest place there. 

And maybe that's why, as Remus sinks out from that damn living room, he yearns to go there. 

Since he is Creativity, just like Roman, Remus can sink into the Imagination without having to use one of the doors in the Mindscape that leads there. And just like Roman, he doesn't even need to think about it. Just a feeling, maybe a yearning, and he's there. 

And that's where he falls to. He sinks inside that safe tower, plopping himself straight- ha, 'straight'- onto the warmest bed he's ever laid on. He's still in his average Duke outfit, but a quick snap of his fingers fixes that. Now in soft things, he buries himself under a large weighted kraken. He wraps the tentacles around himself, reminding him of his own. Hiding his face in the plushie, his own green tentacles sprout from his back and cling onto the weight on him. It's like being hugged and hugging back- which is something he doesn't remember too well. When was the last time anyone gave him a proper hug? 

...not for a while, it seems. 

Suffocate in it. Why would they ever touch you, creep? You always damage whatever you touch.

That's a relatively normal thought for him, but with all the everything from today? It just adds to the mound of f*ck-you his brain is throwing at him. And the reason it hurts is because it isn't wrong. He knows not to listen to icky greenish thoughts, but he's made of those. So... it just- f*ck. Just f*cking God.

Virgil is still semi-scared of him. Patton freaks out, disturbed by anything he says or does. Logan just seems so bored with him, just like he's a little pest and Logan is the Bug Exterminator meant to squash him into bug bits. Janus is used to him, but in such a way that he just... he knows how to tune him out and ignore him. How to distract his attention. He shouldn't be enticed by some of things he contributes, but it's not all like that. He's not just Intrusive Thoughts. He's also Creativity, and Janus knows that. He knows that, but he never seems to act like it. He just... pushes everything aside. Janus wasn't always like that, but when Virgil left? After Virgil left for the Lights, things just continued downhill. Remus should be used to it by now. It's been happening for a long while. 

And Roman? Well...

We've all heard how he feels, haven't we?

All that being said, who the hell would ever touch him? Hug him, hold him? Dry his tears? Yeah. Yeah, that's... yeah.

Remus' crown is small- so is Roman's, technically, for being a prince- and it sits heavy on his head. Like now. He can feel the weight of Duke on his head. He shakes his head, and it won't fall off. Right. When the twins were still young, they'd made it so their crowns wouldn't ever fall. They dualled a lot- god, how long ago was it when we last did that?- and with all that exercise and moving around, enchanting the crowns was common sense. Sometimes, Remus forgets how close they once were. Certainly nothing like now, that's for sure. 

He tries again. The crown stays stubborn atop his head. He wishes it would just let go. 

But when does he ever get what he wants? 

He huffs, giving up. The crown feels heavier, especially since he just tried to refuse it. Now it's not the weight of Duke that hurts, but the weight of brother and Creativity that makes his heart ache. He hugs the kraken tighter, wishing it would just crush him into the little pest that he believes himself to be. 

Pest? Oh please, you're far worse than a pest. An annoying little brat, a useless little Duke. You don't deserve that crown, now do you?

...do I?

Do you?

Does he? Does he deserve a crown atop his head, pretty and shining? Does he? Does he? 

Maybe he did once, when he was young and still learning the things he could do as Creativity. But does he now? Now, does he? He isn't sure. Has he ever been sure? Perhaps not. If he doesn't deserve a crown, then what does he f*cking deserve?

Nothing.

Nothing?

You deserve nothing, nothing at all.

Nothing at all. I deserve nothing.

A question, an option, a decision- it settles in his gut, twisting his intestines like the wrong kind of moth. 

If I deserve nothing, then... shall I stay? Is it worth staying?

His mind goes quiet, finally, for the first time that day. 

Oh, I see.

He decides, chooses, answers the question. The silence of his mind is deafening. The silence is the answer, and it feels resigned. As if there was never any use in fighting in the first place. 

I understand now.

But he doesn't. No, he doesn't understand. But he isn't one to back out once a decision is made. 

It's so easy and simple. Why haven't I done this before? It's so easy.

Easy, yes, but that's the problem. Why is it so easy for him to come to this conclusion? And it's not like he hasn't thought of this before. Maybe that's why it comes so quick to his mind. Maybe that's why, but that still doesn't make it okay. He deserves to be okay; why can't he see that? Is he really that far in his head, trapped in unwanted thoughts?

Yes, it appears he is. 

He wonders if a note is worth leaving, just a simple goodbye, but decides against it. 

Who would ever f*cking care if I was gone?

The Imagination shudders as Remus thinks such a thought.

~~~

The Imagination is a lot more sentient than the Others realize. It's also very observant. 

It sees a lot of things. It sees the little Duke sink out into the safety of the tower. It sees him cry and try to hide behind a weighted kraken. It sees how he is lost in thoughts, most of them intrusive. It feels the sad, the upset, the confusion. It feels the resignation as a final decision settles in the little Duke's mind, determination following. It sees how he tried to refuse his crown and how he seems so upset that it won't let go. It feels how tired he is. It sees, it feels, and it is horrified as its precious Creativity decides a note isn't worth it. It's horrified not because of a lack of a note, but because of what that means. It realizes what he intends to do, and it shudders. It realizes, and it's horrified for its little Duke. 

The Imagination is furious. 

Not at Remus- no, never at Remus, it adores him- but at whoever let him suffer like this. How long did they let him feel so low? It knows he struggles, and it's seen him on bad days, yes. But... but they've never gotten this bad. Are his thoughts always this hostile? Has it just never noticed? Who the f*ck hurt its baby like this?

The Imagination sees its little Duke, its baby, sitting up on the bed. His tentacles are put away. He's moved the kraken off of him, sitting at the edge as he plots. He thinks. He's thinking of ways to- oh, poor child. Please, please do not leave. 

It hears his thought rise up again. Who would miss me? he thinks. 

I would, my precious Duke. Both of us, your brother would miss you. He loves you, can't you see? I love you, my child, I do. I do.

There's a window on the tower. It's big enough to be an entrance on its own, but it's designed to be a big and open window. The Imagination blows a breeze to the little Duke, ruffling his hair. It sees the tears still silently falling down his face. It sends a stronger wind, not too strong, and ruffles his hair again. He sighs shakily, closing his eyes for a moment. He knows it's the Imagination. Of course it is, who else would notice? It always notices, always.

He lets the Imagination ruffle his hair a third time before he opens his eyes. 

"I'm sorry," is all he can say, sounding ages older and so tired.

Oh, the poor thing. The poor, tired little Duke. The Imagination wants to tell him no, you have nothing to be sorry for. It's not your fault, little Duke. It's okay. Stay, please stay with me. But it cannot speak, not exactly. Sometimes, it wishes it could. It would be so much easier to comfort its babies. 

It still finds ways to comfort and keep them safe, though. 

When the little Duke stands up, probably decided on a how to what he plans to do, the Imagination immediately blows a forceful gust of wind that makes the Duke fall back onto the bed. No, it insists stubbornly, stay. Stay. The little kraken huffs as he stands again, only for the Imagination to repeat itself. Stay, precious child, it says. Please, just rest and stay here. He starts to get frustrated as the Imagination won't stop insisting. It's pleading. 

"Just let me go. I wanna go, just let me go," he begs the Imagination. 

It hurts, it f*cking burns to see its baby like this. How to get him to stay, what would make him stay? Who would- oh. Oh, yes. It can do that.

It whispers, it calls, it tugs. It tugs, and a familiar Prince is summoned right next to the bed. The little Prince is dazed for a moment, but he shakes it away. He wears his usual outfit, red sash and white collared shirt. He looks around, curious as to why the Imagination brought him here, before realizing where he was. And who was sitting on the edge of the bed, in soft things, staring wide-eyed at him. As soon as he sees the tear streaks on his brother's face, he snaps himself into his own soft things.

"Remus? Is this where you've been? I was looking- hey. Oh, hey." 

He must've started crying again because the little Prince has this soft, caring look on his face. The Duke pales and f*cking shakes as his twin comes closer. He flinches away when he reaches out to touch him, and the Prince makes a comforting noise. 

What the f*ck, what the f*ck. No, he can't be here. Please, not like this. Please, please, please-

"Oh, Re. Hey, it's okay. I'm here, you're okay." 

No, no, no, no, no-

"Re, Remus. I need you to breathe, okay? Can you breathe with me?" 

He shakes his head violently, trying to inch away from his brother. 

"You can, it's okay. I believe in you. You can do it, come on."

The Imagination watches as its little Prince tries to coax his poor brother into breathing. It waits. It watches. 

Roman grabs Remus' hand- gently- and Remus flinches. He whimpers. 

Warm, warm, too warm. Too warm, it's too much-

"What- oh. Oh, Re, come 'ere." 

Roman manages to carefully scoop up his brother in his arms. Remus can't move, let alone breathe, and all he does is shake and cry and whimper. Roman knows not to overwhelm him, so he resists the urge to hug him tight. He simply sits him in his lap, rubbing a firm hand on his back. Remus gasps at the touch, subconsciously leaning into it. 

Warm, warm, warm, so warm, too warm, not warm enough, warm, warm.

"There you go, it's okay. I've got you, Re. Yes- there you go. I've got you, you're okay."

Remus can't bite back a sob as Roman coaxes him to lean on him. He leans against his chest, his head hidden under Roman's chin. He can feel Roman's chest and throat rumble as he holds him. A hand brings his own to feel a heartbeat in his chest. He feels Roman's heartbeat, steady and unwavering, beneath his palm. His lungs shudder as he tries breathing in. 

"Come on, Re. Try again, it's okay. Breathe." 

Remus tries again, and again and again and again. He tries as Roman holds him steady, holds him firm and still. It takes a while, but eventually he can breathe again. His eyes droop as his brother's hand moves from rubbing his back to carding through his hair. He melts, so tired and exhausted from today. The burning slows recedes into simple warmth as he stays in Roman's arms. He breathes. Roman breathes. He wraps his arm around Remus and holds him tighter, and all Remus can think is warm, warm, warm.

"That was a lot, huh? You got it all out, Rem?"

Remus hums sleepily. Roman chuckles. 

"...do you wanna talk about it?"

Remus stills, and Roman immediately wishes he never asked. 

"Hey, it's okay. You don't have to if you don't wanna. It's okay, Re. You're safe, you're okay."

Remus lets himself relax again, and Roman sighs in relief. There're a few moments of quiet that makes the Prince think his brother fell asleep. That is, until he speaks in the smallest voice Roman's ever heard. 

"'ant to go."

"'Go'? Go where, Rem?"

Remus avoids looking at him, instead just burying himself into Roman's chest. Where would he want to go that would cause such distress? Where? Is it somewhere in the Imagination? Is it somewhere he doesn't know about? What could- 

It clicks. 

Oh. Oh, God.

His mouth is dry and feels like sandpaper as he realizes what Remus means. Go. 

No, no no. Oh Re, no. I don't want you to go. 

He tightens his hold on his twin, planting a kiss on his head of hair. He misses the cracked crown by an inch. He always thought it was unfair that Remus got the broken one. He never understood why. He still doesn't. 

Not the point. Focus on Remus.

"Re- Rem. What- why? Why do you want to go?" Roman's voice cracks mid-sentence. 

Remus feels something wet on his head, promptly realizing that Roman's crying. Oh, Roman is crying. He made him cry.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. This is why you need to go. Be gone, go. Go!

He stays silent for too long, apparently, because Roman is hugging him tighter and kissing his head again.

"Re, what's wrong? I promise you're safe with me, okay? Anything, no matter what. I don't want you to go, talk to me. Talk to me."

Remus snuggles more into his very worried brother, letting out a sigh. He didn't mean to make him cry. He hates it when his twin is upset, and it's even worse when it's his fault.

"I just... 'm sorry I made you cry. I don' wanna hurt you," mumbles slip out from the little kraken. 

"Rem, no- Rem, I'm crying because you want to- to... to go, and I don't want you to go. You didn't hurt me. I'm worried, not... I'm upset because I'm worried." 

"...why?"

Roman pauses for a moment, closing his eyes to process everything. Oh, Remus. Have we really let it get this far?

He opens his eyes, "Why I'm- Remus, I'm worried and upset because you're my brother. Because you don't want to be here and I love you, and... and I love you." 

Remus huffs, disbelief heavy in the air. 

"Rem, I do love you. You know that, right?"

"...'s not important."

"Yes, it is. It's important because you're important. You deserve to know how loved you are."

"Mhm, sure."

"Hey, Rem- Re, I love you. I love you. You're my twin and brother, I'll always love you."

God, Remus wants to believe him. He wants to believe him so bad, but it doesn't make sense. If Roman loved him, how hasn't he noticed certain things? Is Remus really not worth noticing? 

When he voices that, however, Roman is ready to f*cking punch himself because he has had some part in it. In this. And that hurts, it burns, it burns because Remus is his f*cking brother and how could he have let his brother suffer like this? He hates that he let anything go unnoticed for so long. 

"Because I'm a f*cking dumbass, and I let it go this far. I should've looked and saw and paid attention, and I didn't, and I- I'm so sorry, Rem."

Remus immediately looks up at him at that, confusion bare on his face. 

"What?"

Roman looks down at him, tears still silently gliding down his face. Remus makes a concerned noise, reaching up and wiping his tears away. He hates seeing his brother cry. 

"I'm sorry. I let sh*t go on for far too long. And- and I'm gonna make it up to you somehow. I'mma start by paying attention like I should've."

Remus' confusion worsens as he takes his hand away from Roman's face. 

"But- but it's jus' a bad day. It's fine."

"Oh, Re... bro-bro, if this was just a bad day, would you really be feeling this low?"

"Yes! It's- I'm always... I..."

Isn't this how it always is? Isn't that just how bad days are? It's not... I'll be fine. I'm- I'll be...

But I'm so tired.

Remus' eyes widen as a realization hits him like a morningstar to the head. 

When did this even start?

Roman holds his brother firmly as his thoughts fly across his head like ping pong balls. 

(ha, balls.)

(Shut the f*ck up.)

...has it ever really ended?

Remus exhales sharply, tears springing back to his eyes. 

Oh.

"Rem, bro-bro, it's okay. I've got you. You're gonna be okay."

Remus buries his head back into his brother's chest, too tired to shed his tears anyway. He feels Roman kiss his temple, clinging to his brother in response. 

It's another while before someone speaks again. 

"...what happened today? Did something just, like, set it off, Re?" 

"Mm." 

Roman rubs his back, and he melts into his brother's embrace. 

"Do- you don't have to, but... talking might help?"

Remus slightly nods. 

"'s just, um, I couldn't... 'member when Vi had a panic attack earlier?"

"Yeah?"

"I couldn't... I was frozen an' I couldn't help-"

Roman keeps his twin steady as he lets it out, knowing he just needed to speak. He holds, he cares. He cares, so much, and he holds him. 

"I 'anted to help. He's... he's my brother an' I couldn't do anything. He 'as there when you couldn't be, he raised me, he cares-"

Remus takes a stuttering breath. 

"He cares, and I know how to- to help 'cause I used to all the time, but... but I got stuck an' it was awful."

His cracking crown feels heavier on his head.

"He hurt an' I couldn't help."

"Oh, Rem..."

He huffs, everything pouring out. Once the floodgate is open, it cannot be closed until everything is out. And his floodgate of blood and acid and what the f*ck is wrong with me? is wide open. 

And it hurts.

"Sometimes, m' thoughts get loud and then Vi was hurt and I- I jus'..."

"It got to be too much?" Roman finishes for him. 

The little kraken nods, tired tears sluggishly gliding down his face. He sniffles. 

"It didn't feel worth staying anymore."

Roman's breath gets caught in his throat at that. He cards a hand through Remus' hair, noting how exhausted his brother is. How tired and how oh-so heavy his words felt. 

"It is, I promise. You're worth staying, okay, Re? It's worth it." 

"It- it jus'... it was a lot and I just 'anted it to f*cking stop." 

"I know, Re. I know."

"Hurts."

"I've got you, it's okay. You're not useless or bad. My brother, Re. You're my brother."

Roman wipes away stray tears as Remus finally slumps in his arms. He continues carding a hand through hair as his other one rubs firmly on his twin's arm. Up and down, up and down. A calming reminder of I'm here, you're okay, you're okay. 

"I love you, and I want you to stay."

Remus believes him this time, even for a few moments. 

"I love ya too, dork."

Roman snorts, kissing his brother's head again. Remus' crown doesn't feel quite as heavy anymore. 

"And I... I'll stay. I'll stay here."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Good, Re. My bro-bro. No one gets to hurt you. No nasty thoughts can take you from me."

Remus' tentacles sprout from his back, wrapping around Roman and hugging him back. A way of saying I'm staying, I'm right here and I'm staying. The twins hug each other for a while, up in the safety of the tower, curled up on the bed in soft things. Crowns are forgotten about as they no longer feel so heavy. One cracked, one whole. One silver, one gold. One adorned with emeralds, the other with rubies. 

Both little Creativities hold each other, watched over by the Imagination. 

~~~

The Imagination blows a gentle breeze to ruffle their hair, just before either one can fall asleep. The little Duke groans, huffing a purposefully dramatic sigh. The little Prince snickers at his brother. 

"It's like our f*cking mom."

"It is, isn't it?"

"God, you have no f*cking idea."

"Is that a challenge?"

The twins eye each other.

"...maybe later."

"Alright."

Brief silence. Its babies breathe for a moment, soaking up each other's warmth. 

"It wouldn't let me leave before you came over."

The little Prince holds onto his brother tighter, if that's even possible at this point. 

"Kept blowing breezes an' stuff. Didn't want me to leave."

"...neither do I, Rem. You've got the both of us."

"I know that. I just... hard to remember, sometimes."

"We'll just have to remind you, then, won't we?"

"Mm."

The Imagination warms the fire brighter in the fireplace, all that warmth settling into the little Creativities. The little Duke's eyes droop closed as he basks in all the care and love his family provides. Maybe it's just his brother and his mom, right now, but it's enough. It's enough for today, for tonight, for right now. A soft tune drifts through the tower, lulling the little Prince to sleep as well. A lullaby, something that once drifted throughout the entire Imagination when they were all younger. A gift of song for its children, its precious little royals. It watches over them as they drift deeper into slumber. 

It's not all gone for Remus, the feeling of needing to go. It doesn't just end as fast as that. There'll be other times, more times of insecurity. More times of feeling overwhelmed. Of needing something to stop.

No, he'll still struggle through it. But now, as he sleeps soundly and safe, he has people to help with it. The Imagination, in all its maternal care. His brother, in all his protectiveness and love. 

And the bad day ends as a good one, surrounded by those who love him. 

[kachikirby]

GranEssex Chronicles: Chapter 12 - Mending the Scars of Battle

Two days had passed since Meta escaped the time loop and returned to the GranEssex. Despite knowing that the Myovam was dead, he was incredibly worried about the possibility of the time loop restarting or worse, that he was still in the time loop somehow. The young soldier was constantly haunted by the sight of his dead allies. True, they weren't dead now, but different versions of them are. Who's to say that even he died on one time loop and just didn't remember it? Not wanting to worry or bother anyone with his worries, Meta locked himself in his room. This action would only make a certain someone even more worried about him. Kurabe was currently standing outside Meta's room, wondering how she should handle this.

"Hmmm... how exactly should I go about this? Perhaps I should at least try knocking first and see how he responds. Yes... then I could go from there..." She murmured to herself.

With this idea in mind, she knocked on the door.

"Meta, it's Kurabe. Do you mind if I come in to talk for a bit?" She said in the gentlest voice she could use.

No answer. Either he was asleep or ignoring her.

"Meta, if you don't answer me, I'll read your mind." She said in a stern yet still gentle tone.

Still nothing.

"I warned you, Meta."

Kurabe closed her eyes and focused on her student's mind. What she saw concerned greatly her. In Meta's mind, there was a tornado of thoughts and memories, making it impossible to decipher anything of meaning.

"I see, he's not ignoring me once purpose, he's just distracted by what's in his head. I'm sorry about this, Meta, but I'm coming in." She thought while forcing the door open.

Unsurprisingly, her student didn't even react to her presence. He only continued to lay on his bed dully and stare at the ceiling. The sight of this alone was enough to break her heart. That Myovam was lucky it was already dead, otherwise she would have done it herself. Kurabe walked over a created a bit of ice on her hand and touched Meta's head with it, snapping him out of his thoughts.

"Sensei, what was that for!? And when did you get here?"

"I got here a few minutes ago and that was to knock you out of your thoughts. I called out to you, but you didn't respond, so I had to take matters into my own hands. Now, Meta, can we talk?" She asked, sitting next to him.

Meta looked unsure, but he knew Kurabe wouldn't leave him alone until this matter was settled.

"I suppose we can but, I don't even know where to begin."

"That's ok. Take your time." She said, holding his hand. "But let's start like this... does it have to do with what happened while you were with Reedy and the others on that mission?"

"Yes. Sensei, they died, and it was all my fault. The pained expressions on their faces. Seeing them fall in seconds. I can't get the visions out of my head. Every time I close my eyes, I'm haunted by everything involving that mission." Meta explained, his body trembling the more he talked.

"I understand. And I told you we'll work through it to lessen the pain, right? But we can't do that if you shut yourself in your room."

"Then what do you suggest I do? The images follow me wherever I go..."

"Have you tried to distract yourself?" She asked.

"Yes, but they keep showing up!"

Kurabe became quiet. She then gave a sigh. "Meta, is it really that intrusive? I have an idea for that, but it's a last resort..."

"What is it?" Her student asked, concerned by the thought of a last resort by his mentor. "If it's anything to do with erasing my memories, then no. I... I don't want to forget what happened; I just want to move on..."

"And why don't you want to forget?"

"Because I'm the only one who fully remembers those Task Force Z members. Even if they don't exist anymore, I'm proof that they did. It's irrational, I know, but I don't want them to be forgotten."

The warrior quietly stroked his head to help him calm down.

"No, I understand that, Meta. If that's the case, the other last resort I have might be more viable... however, it involves taking you to a psychiatrist to be examined and having you be on medication."

Immediately, he frowned at that, looking even more upset.

"I'd rather not have to deal with that, sensei. I don't need medication; I just need to move on from what happened! So please, just help me! I don't want a psychiatrist, I want you!"

Admittedly, Kurabe was slightly surprised by that sudden outburst, but then her gaze softened. No, that was a reasonable reaction for a young man who spent weeks away from her and underwent such a horrible experience on that planet.

"Then, how about we spend some time together today?"

"...I wouldn't be opposed to that." He replied, happy that he wouldn't be, in his mind, abandoned and left in the care of some psychiatrist.

She nodded. "Alright then, what would you like to do then, Meta?"

"...are there any planets with libraries nearby?" He asked, hoping that partaking in some non-physical activity he enjoyed would help.

Kurabe took a moment to think.

"I believe one of the biggest libraries in the galaxy is actually quite close to where we are right now. Would you like to go there?"

"Yes, I think I would."

The warrior gave a smile. "Then let's take a starship there. I'll be quicker than taking an entire battleship."

Meta silently nodded in understanding.

---------

The trip would only take approximately thirty minutes to get to the library, though it felt much longer to Meta. To help pass the time, he decided to speak to Kurabe.

"Sensei, I have a question."

"What is it, Meta?" His mentor looked at him in concern.

"I apologize if this is insensitive, but have you lost comrades before? Stupid question, I'm aware."

"No, it's not a stupid question, Meta. However, to answer that, I have. Several of them."

"...How did you deal with it?"

"I decided that I would continue living for their sake."

Meta was silent after hearing that. He wanted to live for their sakes too, however...

"Is it strange that I'm mourning for people who are still alive? I saw them die, but they're still alive. I shouldn't be upset by what happened because it technically never did, yet I am."

"It's not strange to me. Their deaths were very real when they happened, weren't they? Then you have every right to be as upset as you are now."

"...It never gets easier, does it? Seeing those close to you die, I mean."

"No, but I hope it never gets easy. Feeling despair over someone's death means that the connections you had with them were real and that your heart is full of love. The moment you feel nothing about a close friend's death is the moment you lose that heart and become a monster. I've seen it happen to even the best of warriors. You have strong heart, Meta, and you need to make sure it stays strong."

He gave a nod. "I understand, sensei..."

"Use what happened to become stronger, Meta. Not just physically, but mentally. You've experienced firsthand an opponent that can't be beaten by strength alone. If you want to prevent this from happening again you need to expand your horizons. Thankfully, a library is a perfect place to start." She said, finishing her speech with a smile.

"Do you know what kind of books I should look up then, sensei?" He asked.

"How about we focus on choosing books that will make you feel better?"

"I'm not sure if I know what kind of book can do that, but it's worth a try." Meta smiled, glad that he was finally able to get these thoughts out. However, he had one more thought on his mind. "Sensei, you did destroy the magic symbol that caused the time loop, right?"

"Of course I did. That was one of the first things I did after I picked you up."

"So, there's no chance that I'm still stuck in a time loop, right?"

"The chances are less than zero."

"I see. I'm just worried that I'll wake up one morning and be back on Reedy's ship. I'm worrying over nothing, I realize, but I just can't help it..."

"And that's ok. However, I can guarantee that when you go to sleep tonight and wake up tomorrow morning, you will still be on the GranEssex."

Meta wanted to ask, "are you sure?" but he stopped himself. He had no reason to doubt her.

"Thank you, sensei."

"You're welcome, Meta. Now just know that the moment I land this ship, I'm going to hug you so much you won't be able to move."

"...Not in front of others please."

"I'll do it before we leave the ship then."

The student nodded in silence. In truth, he wouldn't mind some kind of positive interaction right now, even if it was embarrassing.

"One more thing, Meta."

The youth looked up in questioning.

"Don't be afraid to talk to me about anything. You know how much I worry about you and just want you to be happy."

"I understand, sensei."

He was happy to hear that. Even if he found her to be embarrassing at times, he was truly grateful for his mentor.

"Alright, we're about ready to land. Are you ready, Meta?"

"I am."

With a nod in response, the landing procedures for the ship began. Flashes of Reedy's crew and himself disembarking the VictoriousArc entered Meta's head and his breathing began somewhat frantic. He then felt Kurabe squeezing his hand, which had the desired effect of calming him down. Upon landing on the planet, Meta felt himself immediately being tightly hugged by his mentor. Without a single word, he returned the hug, which surprised Kurabe. She looked at him sadly, promising herself that she would make him feel better by the end of the day.

---------

After a couple of minutes, they entered the library. Meta stared in amazement at the inside. It was massive and it looked beautiful

"It looks like it goes on forever." He said, stunned by the sight.

"While it doesn't go on forever, it does go on for a while and can be a bit overwhelming at first. Now, do you have any idea what kind of books you're in the mood for, Meta?"

"A book on magic." He quickly replied.

"Then follow me." She said, taking his hand.

While he was being dragged through the library, he began to notice that there were people staring at them. The reasons why, he didn't know exactly. Could it be because Kurabe's armor stood out? Or maybe it's because they didn't expect to be so suddenly in the presence of the Lady of Shadows? Either way, he wasn't sure he liked being stared at. Growing up fighting for survival, Meta learned the importance of keeping a low profile, so a situation like this was certainly different for him.

"Meta, is something wrong?" His mentor asked.

"We're being stared at, sensei. How did you not notice?"

Kurabe shrugged. "After a while, you learn to ignore it." She then smiled. "Besides, they're more admiring us than anything."

"Us? I can understand why they would be admiring you, sensei. But me? I haven't done anything worthy of recognition yet."

"What, being my lovely, adorable, and powerful student isn't worthy of recognition?"

"Is me being your student really a well-known fact? I'm not denying my abilities, but I find it hard to believe I'm anywhere near as famous as you."

"Didn't I tell you that you're the representative of my student body? That's why you're so famous. Not only that, but I'm sure news about you defeating the Myovam might have traveled."

"It's only been two days, though."

"News travels fast, especially when a certain four eyes is in charge of spreading information."

Meta blinked in surprise. Did Reedy really credit him that much with defeating the Myovam? However, he didn't have any more time to think, as Kurabe stopped in front of a shelf of books.

"Well, here we are."

Before the two was rows upon rows of books about different types of magic. It was even somewhat overwhelming. Not knowing where to start, the youth grabbed a book at random.

"Ah, a book about magic seals. Not a bad place to start, Meta."

Kurabe grabbed a few books from the section as well and then took him to a reading area where she then sat down on one of the couches. She then motioned to her student, who sat down next to her. Meta opened the book he grabbed and was immediately sucked into it...literally. His vision turned white and when it returned, he found himself in a strange land with magic symbols all over.

"Where am I?"

"We're in the book, Meta. This book has a seal that transports the consciousness of whoever looks at it into the book itself. Think of it as a way to have an interactive learning experience." Kurabe explained.

"And how long were you going to wait until you told me that?!" He shouted back.

She only gave a cheeky smile.

"Wait, then what about our bodies?"

"Perfectly fine. You don't need to worry about something happening to us, I put up a magic barrier before I entered the book myself. And if you're worried about the time, time flows differently here. One hour in the book is about one minute in the real world."

Meta gave a nod in understanding. "So how do we get out of here?"

"Look behind you."

Doing as told, the youth spun around and saw a portal. On the other side of the portal was his and Kurabe's bodies.

"Once you're ready to leave, just step through that portal."

He nodded in response. "So, this is a learning experience, right? What do I do?"

"You see all the symbols floating in the air? Walk up to one and touch it. You'll be shown a written description of what it is and a visual demonstration of what it does."

He quietly nodded in response. Then he walked over to one of the symbols and touched it. As told, words showed up in front of him.

"The Weight Seal. Place this seal on any object or person to increase its weight. Perfect for surprise attacks and training one's body. That could be useful."

Once he got done reading a hologram of a person appeared. The hologram threw what looked like an ordinary pebble up into the air and then activated the seal, causing the pebble to fall down and crash into the ground, creating a crater. After seeing this animation, he walked over to another seal and tapped on it.

"The Time Seal!?"

The very same seal that he was a victim to. He quickly read through its description, hoping to find something that could ease his fears.

"When the seal is destroyed, presumably all damage done to prior timeliness created by the seal are reset, essentially creating parallel universes. So, wait... the Task Force in those timelines are ok then, right? If all damage is reversed, then they never died. They're still alive..."

Tears came to Meta's eyes. While his inactions got them killed, his actions saved them and every other victim. Even if the description was wrong, the idea that the ones that died are now alive brought him immense relief.

"Meta, are you ok?" Kurabe asked, walking up to him.

"I'm more than ok, sensei. I think I found a bit of closure."

His mentor placed a hand on his back. "I'm glad. Do you wish to keep learning about seals?"

"I'm... honestly not sure."

"Well, if you want an expert's opinion, I'd recommend learning all that you can. A smart warrior is a strong warrior."

He gave a nod in response and touched yet another seal.

"The Gemini Seal. A seal that separates the positive and negative aspects of the seals applicant into two bodies. Alternatively, if said applicant had split personalities, each personality would get their own body. This one doesn't seem particularly useful to me, though Tiramisu might be interested in it."

Meta then turned around to Kurabe. "Sensei, what seals do you like to use?"

"Oh, I don't use seals, Meta."

"I see, but you probably know a bit about them. What seals do you think I would benefit from?" He then squinted at her. "Also, that's a lie, sensei."

She only gave a slight giggle. "You're getting better at that. As for seals. Well, I think the Weight Seal would be perfect for your training. As for in general, the Subspace Seal would be wonderful."

He nodded. "Anything else?"

"Hmm... well there is one I suppose. It's a one-time use seal called the Numb Seal. It makes your entire body numb for a short period of time. You won't be able to feel pain, but once it wears off, you'll feel all the pain you received at once. It's useful in desperate situations. My master and myself have had to use it before some nasty battles."

He nodded in interest. "And when I say one-time use, I mean you can only apply it to your body once in your life. After you use it, your body will reject the seal. It's quite literally a last-ditch effort type of seal."

"Oooh. Ok. Anything else?"

Kurabe blinked. "You took that better than I thought you would. You must be in a really good mood now. As for other seals, the Lightning Seal. You can use it to seal lightning and use it for something later like recharging your mana."

Meta nodded.

"Well, we should probably look at the other books you picked out, sensei." He said, excited at the idea of learning as much as he could. That and the fact he would be doing it with Kurabe made him happy.

The warrior smiled at this. "It really does seem like he's feeling better already... I'm so glad..."

---------

For the next few hours, Meta learned more about magic than he ever believed possible. It was mostly thanks to Kurabe's guidance that he was able to wrap his brain around it.

"Well, Meta, what would you like to do now?"

The youth took a moment to think.

"...I'm not really sure..." He uttered.

His mentor then gave a smile. "Would you like to cuddle?"

"Sensei!" He yelled before remembering he was in a library. "Can you please not say stuff like that in public?" He quickly whispered, his entire face turning a deep red.

"Then you should start thinking of something to do." She hummed.

However, the youth could somehow tell that she was just joking...at least about saying she would talk about it in public.

"Is there a town square nearby? I feel like I should confront anything that could make me remember while I can."

"Oh, the town square is not too far from here."

He then nodded. "Ok, then show me the way."

With that exchange, they exited the library together.

---------

Once they arrived at the location, memories again flashed in his mind. Despite knowing the damage was undone, the deaths still hurt him. But he had to deal with it. He then remembered the death of the Myovam. If there's one memory he doesn't mind remembering, it was the relief he felt watching the Myovam finally die. His mentor seemed to notice this thought process and got an idea upon seeing something in the square.

"You know, Meta, some cultures believe tossing a coin into a fountain can make a wish or dream come true. Want to give it a try?" Kurabe asked, holding two coins for the both of them.

The youth hesitated for a moment, but then took the coin in his hand.

"So, do I just toss it into the fountain then?"

"You do that and then make your wish, ok?"

He nodded. The question was, what would he even wish for? Definitely not power. He wanted to become strong on his own terms and through his own efforts. Would he wish for no more death? No. As much as he hated it, death was a natural part of life and he had to accept that. Besides, if he was going to prevent death, it would be by his hands, not some magic fountain.

Kurabe seemed to notice this and looked slightly concerned.

"You can wish for anything, Meta. Love, courage, strength, it's up to you."

"I know that, sensei."

However, he then thought of a wish. He tossed the coin into the water.

"I wish that I could become stronger. Strong enough to protect everyone I care about!" He thought.

Shortly after that, Kurabe tossed her own coin in.

"What did you wish for, sensei?"

"That's a secret, Meta. They say the wish won't come true if you talk about it. Though I'll give you a hint as to what it was about."

"...it's about cuddling with me, wasn't it?" He mumbled.

"No. Now I'm not sure if I should give you a hint after all. And don't mumble." She said with a pout.

"I'm sorry, sensei." Her pout then turned to a smile.

"Well, if you mean that then I guess I can tell you. The hint is, you, Meta. Now it's up to you to figure out what my wish was."

Meta took a moment to think. Honestly, he had a vague idea what it was, but he didn't want it to not come true, so he didn't say anything.

"Besides, why would I wish to snuggle with you when I can already do that whenever I want?" She asked with a completely straight face.

Almost immediately, his face turned a dark red and he pulled his hat over his face in embarrassment. Kurabe giggled at this but stopped when she noticed Meta looking at her with eyes filled with determination.

"Sensei, I have a question. In your opinion, what does it mean to be strong? I have my own opinion, but I want to hear yours."

She nodded in response. "To me, being strong means that you can handle whatever comes your way. Not just physically fighting, but mentally as well."

"I see. Thank you, sensei."

"What about you Meta? What is the reason behind your strength?"

Meta fell quiet, thinking of the best way to phrase his answer. "I want to be strong to prove myself and to protect what matters to me. I must become stronger to prevent any more tragedies."

Kurabe smiled and hugged him, catching him off guard. "You'll become strong, Meta, I guarantee it."

He gave a small smile in response. "Thank you, sensei."

"Now with that settled, I have a suggestion for something for us to do. Besides having the largest library, this planet is known for having the largest shopping center. You might find something interesting."

While Meta wasn't that interested in shopping, his mentor's words piqued his curiosity.

"Is that true? What would I find interesting there?"

"We won't know unless we look now, won't we?" She said with a sly grin.

He nodded in understanding. "Ok, then let's go."

Kurabe smiled, but for some reason that smile carried an ominous feeling for Meta.

---------

Upon entering the shopping center, Meta's eyes widened at the interior and the size of the place. It was even larger than the library, which was already the size of a small battleship and there were so many stores he didn't know where to go.

"Well, Meta, where would like to start? I know there's weapon shop's somewhere in the middle."

"If possible, could we stop at the weapons shop first? I think I'm interested in that."

"I know, that's why I brought it up." Kurabe said with another giggle.

Meta just covered his eyes again. "Then please lead the way."

His mentor replied with a smile as she took his hand and began walking.

As they walked to the store, Meta couldn't help but notice that everyone was giving them looks again. Not looks of contempt, but of curiosity and maybe admiration. He still wasn't sure if he liked the attention or not, but he would just have to deal with it. Kurabe, meanwhile, paid zero attention to anyone that wasn't her student. He might have been feeling better but that doesn't mean that she'll stop looking after him today.

---------

Soon, they reached the store.

"Alright, we made it. I sure do wish it didn't take twenty minutes to get here, though."

Unlike the library, they had been approached by a few people during their walk. Meta looked up at the store, noting that it was surprisingly big for being inside a shopping center. The store also had all kinds of weapons on display. Spears, axes, hammers, maces, gauntlets, but what really caught his attention was the number of swords. Different styles and sizes all around him. While he preferred fighting with a broadsword, he was incredibly interested in all these other types.

"Are you looking for something, sir?"

Meta jumped a bit upon hearing that, and turned around to see presumably one of the store owners.

"I'm just browsing. Thank you." He quickly said, hoping he didn't come off as rude.

A nod in response.

"Alright, let me know if you need anything."

She then walked away. Meta resumed looking at the swords and couldn't help but notice the prices. Even just one sword from here would put a massive dent in his wallet. While he didn't care much for money, he understood the importance of saving it for things he would need like food or clothing. Noticing the somewhat dejected look in his eyes, Kurabe walked up to him.

"You know, Meta, I'll buy you any one sword you desire."

He looked surprised. "Huh? Really? Are you sure about that, sensei?"

"Of course I'm sure. Think of it as a reward for all your hard work."

The youth nodded in response. Then was the more difficult part: which one should he choose? Every blade he saw was appealing to him in some way. All of them were of excellent craftsmanship and very deserving of the high prices. Then his vision locked onto one sword in particular. A ninjato with a purple sheath and a black blade. Ninjato were typically used by members of the Bio clan among other ninja clans. He hadn't had much experience wielding one, but this blade had completely captivated him.

Kurabe seemed to notice this and gave him a smile. "Have you found something you're interested in, Meta?"

"I believe so. I would like that ninjato, please. If you don't mind."

His mentor nodded and took the sword to the register.

"Ah, the Lady of Shadows! It's been quite a while since you last visited. I trust you found everything satisfactory?" The cashier asked.

"Yes, I have, thank you. Though this time, it's my student who has found everything satisfactory, I'm sure." She said with a smile.

The clerk looked towards Meta.

"Ah, the famous Prince of Shadows. We've heard many rumors about him. Tell you what, Ms. Kurabe, I'll give you a one-time discount." The clerk offered.

"What's the catch?" She immediately asked.

"Always quick on the draw, aren't you? It's simple. I want a picture with young Meta holding the ninjato for advertisement purposes."

The youth blinked in confusion. While he did hear the offer for a discount, he was more confused about something else.

"...prince?" He asked, trying to process why he would be given such a title.

"It's what news reports have been calling you. Since you are my prized student, that makes you the Prince of the School of Shadows, just like how I am the Lady of Shadows. Newscasters give people titles all the time Meta." Kurabe explained.

"But... but do I really deserve such a title?" He uttered, slightly embarrassed.

"Of course you do! You're already handsome enough to look like a prince!" She exclaimed pinching one of his cheeks, only to have her hand be quickly grabbed in annoyance.

"Sensei, I'm not handsome! I'm training to be a fierce knight!"

"Meta, we've had this conversation before. You can be handsome and incredibly deadly." She then smiled. "Or would you rather that I call you "cute"?"

"...Handsome is fine." He mumbled.

Before the comedy routine could continue the clerk spoke up. "So do we have a deal?"

"That's up to Meta. I won't force him." She then turned to her student. "What do you think, Meta? What would you like to do?"

Meta felt conflicted. He did not enjoy attracting attention to himself, but if he could help Kurabe save some of her money it would be worth it. Taking a deep breath, the youth turned to the clerk.

"Apparently, I'm already becoming famous. So, I may as well get used to it. I'll help advertise for you."

"Splendid! Now shall we go take the photo?"

"Wait, how much is the discount? You never specified." Kurabe spoke up.

"Oh, you'll like it. It's 80% off. I guarantee the business we'll get from this advertisement will more than make up for it." The clerk clarified while getting the camera ready. "Now strike a pose, Meta! Doesn't matter what kind. Just do what comes naturally."

The youth stared, unsure of what kind of pose he should make.

"Meta, what do you usually do when you shoot lightning into the sky?" Kurabe asked, noticing how unsure her student looked.

"I point upwards. Of course the answer was so obvious."

His mentor gave a smile. "Then do that."

Meta nodded and pointed his new blade upwards. As he held it, he felt happy with his choice. Despite it being a type of blade he wasn't used to, it felt completely natural in his firm grasp.

"Alright, hold that pose please."

He immediately did and waited for the store owner to be finished.

"...and we're done. Now we just to complete the transaction and you two can get going."

The warrior nodded. "I appreciate it, and I'm sure Meta does as well."

She then noticeably looked at him, as if waiting for a response.

"Thank you..." He responded shyly.

"Oh no, thank you for allowing us to use your image to help our store!" The casher replied. "Anyway, that'll be a thousand credits."

Kurabe nodded in understanding before handing over the money.

---------

After leaving the store, the two stood once again in the shopping center.

"Now, Meta, would you like to go look in a different store, or would you like to go eat something? I'm sure you're quite hungry by now."

Now that she mentioned it, he was starting to get hungry.

"I think it's time for a meal. But you pick the restaurant sensei. We've been doing everything I've wanted to do, it's only fair if you get to decide something."

His mentor grinned. "I'll pick whatever restaurant you want to go to."

Meta stared at her. "Ok, I pick where you want to go."

His mentor pouted. "'Then I want what you want."

Meta sighed. "Fine, I'll pick something."

He then began to look around at the various restaurants in the shopping center. They seemed to serve all kinds of various food. Honestly, it was so much that he just didn't know where to go. As much as he wanted to ask his mentor, she would more than likely just say that it's his own choice. Maybe he should try a different tactic.

"Sensei, what do you like to eat?"

"Food."

So much for that. How else should he go about this?

"I'm not really sure what I'm in the mood for..." he thought to himself.

He looked at his sensei, a carefree smile on her face like normal. Maybe he should try that. Meta looked at the nearest restaurant, which was serving burgers.

"Let's go here, sensei."

"Very well then." She said, grabbing his hand and dragging him.

"Sensei, I can walk on my own." He protested.

"I know."

---------

After ordering and obtaining their food, the mentor and student sat at a table comfortably.

"So, Meta, are you having fun today?" Kurabe suddenly asked.

"I believe I am. I haven't felt this relaxed in a while. Perhaps I needed a break after what happened."

She smiled in response. "That makes me happy to hear."

"What about you, sensei?" Her student then asked.

"You already know that I'm always happy to spend time with you, Meta."

"...thank you, sensei." He replied.

"You're welcome, Meta. Now you should take your time and think about where you'd like to go next."

"No. This time I'm asking you to decide where we go next. It's only fair."

That and he truly didn't know what else he wanted to do.

His mentor, thankfully, understood this and began to think.

"Hm... how about the jewelry store... or the bookstore...?"

Truthfully, Meta was more interested in the bookstore, but he wasn't going to make Kurabe choose that.

"Well, I guess we'll go to the bookstore next." Kurabe said, clapping her hands together.

He could've sworn he saw her wink.

"She read my mind again, didn't she?" He thought to himself as he kept eating on his burger.

---------

After a few minutes of eating, he spoke up once more.

"Sensei, is it ok for me to be happy?"

His mentor blinked for a moment, but then gave a slight chuckle. "Of course it is. I understand that after a traumatizing experience you don't know how to feel. I've experienced the same feelings when I saw past comrades die in front me. But yes, you deserve to be happy and don't let yourself believe otherwise."

He gave a smile. "Thank you, sensei."

"I was wondering where you two went off to." A familiar voice said from behind them, making both mentor and student jump.

Turning around, the two puffs saw none other than Mercury standing there.

"Mercury? What are you do in here?" Kurabe asked.

"Looking for you."

"Why? I told you where would be, didn't I?"

Mercury stared at her blankly.

"...I forgot, didn't I?" The warrior asked timidly, getting a nod in response. She then immediately shrugged. "Ah, well. You're here now, so why don't you join us? Unless I'm needed for something."

"No, you're not needed, I was just curious as to why you left so suddenly. But sure, I'll stick around." The Limet responded in her usual calm manner. In truth, she also wanted to check up on Meta, but she didn't say it.

"Why didn't you try calling sensei, Mercury?" The youth asked.

"I tried to. She left her phone in her room. You must have really been in a rush to bring Meta here, huh?" She asked with a grin.

Kurabe's cheek blushes appeared to become more pronounced.

"Y... yes..."

"I figured as much. You two can finish your meal. I'll call the ship and let them know to stop worrying."

"Alright, please do, Mercury." She replied.

"Why would they be freaking out? It hasn't been that long." Meta asked.

"Well, certain members of Task Force Zetta have taken a few days off for vacation, Reedy included. So, a lot of missions they would normally take have been sent to us. When Kurabe left so suddenly, they were worried she took a dangerous mission without telling us. Again." Mercury explained, her tone indicating that this exact scenario has happened before.

Meta had a feeling they took off due to the incident with the Myovam. However, he was also not really surprised the fact that his mentor had done something like taking a dangerous mission without telling anyone.

"Wait, why wasn't I told about these missions, sensei?"

"Because I put you on mandatory break for a few days. Though at this rate, I'm sure you won't need the break for much longer." She then gave a slight grin. "Though it was quite amusing to see how shocked the general looked when he heard Reedy asking for a few days off during the meeting yesterday."

Meta couldn't blame the general for having that reaction. Reedy struck him as the type to never miss work even if his legs were chopped off. Well... ignoring the fact, he could regrow his legs anyway.

"Have you ever needed a mandatory break, sensei?"

Kurabe sat and thought about it. "Besides getting sick, there was one time I needed it. It was after I witnessed a team of acquaintances die in battle. My sensei told me to take a day off to process what happened. Other than events like birthdays, I don't normally take days off."

He nodded. "So, it's ok to take off if it's because of my mental health?"

"Yes. Both Mercury and I have done that before."

"So, I'm not weak for needing to rest?" He asked nervously.

"Of course not. Even the strongest warriors need breaks. Too much stress can destroy a person. I've seen it happen to many proud soldiers."

Honestly, hearing that made him feel extremely happy.

"So please let me know if you need a break." His mentor added.

"I will, sensei." He responded.

"Good. Now keep eating before your food gets cold."

The two continued to eat in comfortable silence until Kurabe suddenly spoke up once more.

"Mercury, you've talked to four-eyes today, right? How's he?"

"Locked in his room with Raita. She's not letting him out of her sight. So yeah, he's doing fine."

"I see." She replied in an almost indifferent manner.

"That's good to hear..." Meta said.

"Yeah, I was slightly worried when I heard he called off for a couple of days and had to contact him..." The woman nodded.

"Please, I knew he'd be fine. Besides, not hearing from him sounds like a blessing."

While what she said could be interpreted as uncaring, Meta knew that she actually was relived. Somewhat anyway.

---------

Soon the meal was done. Meta paid for it despite Kurabe insisting that she did. The youth explained that since she paid for his sword that he would pay for their meal, and it was only fair.

"Alright, Meta, so we decided that we want to go to the bookstore now, correct? Follow me."

The youth nodded and stayed close to her.

"Hey, Mercury, what books do you like?" He asked.

The woman laughed a bit nervously. "I'll admit... I like a bit of trashy romance..."

"Anything else?" He didn't visually show it, but he was slightly surprised by that.

"Oh. I also like books on biology and geography."

"Ok, but do you like any other kinds of fictional books?"

"I enjoy science fiction, like stories about robots. Those have always clicked with me even as a kid. Couldn't tell you why."

He then tilted his head. "Do you have any recommendations for me?"

"For you? There's one book I think you'd enjoy. It's called Armored Fighters. Pretty basic title, I'll admit, but it's a story of a young man training to be the best armor fighter, people who fight in martial arts tournaments using robots."

"Anything else?"

"Well, there's one called the Dragon, Phoenix and Tiger. A story of three kingdoms uniting to face a single threat. However, forces at work try to turn the kingdoms against each other. Also, they have robots."

He nodded. "Sensei, what kind of books do you like to read?"

"I enjoy every genre really. If something catches my attention, I'll read it. Fiction, non-fiction, as long as I find it enjoyable it doesn't matter. But if I have to pick a favorite type of, it'll be stories about families."

"Well, I think that's a bit obvious, considering how much you talk about family..." He uttered.

"Of course. Family is important. Like you, I grew up alone with no family so of course once I gained one, I became interested in the topic of what it means to be a family."

"Do you have any recommendations for books I could read?"

"Well, there's one story I think you would enjoy. It's called the Magic Knight. A story of a boy being summoned to another world to fight evil, forming bonds with his traveling companions and essentially become a family."

He nodded in understanding. "Ok, thank you."

Shortly after that conversation, they arrived. The bookstore was much smaller than the previous places they've been to, but still pretty sizeable.

"Anything you want I'll buy, Meta." Kurabe stated.

Her student shook his head. "Sensei, that's not necessary."

"I insist."

"So do I."

"Now, Meta..."

"I'll pay for the damn books." Mercury said cutting them off.

Kurabe blinked. "...Mercury, are you sure about that-"

"Yes, I'm sure about it! Now drop it!"

"But Mercury-" Meta tried to say.

"I'm paying, end of discussion. Now get shopping already."

Both mentor and student silently nodded.

---------

The group decided to split up and meet back up in thirty minutes. Meta was currently looking at the science fiction section. "What would be interesting to read...?" He thought as he looked at the various spines and covers.

"What's this? The Crusader of the Night?"

That sounded interesting. The back of the book explained that it was the story of an orphan, using all of skills and equipment to make a world where no one has to become an orphan like he was. Something about the premise struck a chord within Meta.

"I suppose I can give this a chance."

He then looked around at the shelves.

"Are there any others...? No, I shouldn't get anything else. Mercury's paying for it, anyway..." He thought.

"I can't read minds, but I know what you're thinking, Meta. Quit it and get what you want." Mercury said from down the aisle.

He gave a slight sigh. "Alright then, what's this one? The Supernatural Samurai? I'd question why a book about the paranormal is in the science fiction section, but I suppose there's stranger occurrences in real life."

He then saw another book that caught his eye.

"The Burning Meteor? A story of two beings fused into one fighting off an alien threat while copying the enemy's abilities to use against them. I wonder if this was inspired by us Star Warriors?"

He took the book and added it to his collection.

"Well, I think that's it then..."

Meta walked over to where Mercury was. He was slightly glad that Kurabe wasn't there, for he had something he wanted to discuss with the silver vice captain.

"Hey, Mercury, I have a question."

The woman looked down at him in questioning. "What is it, Meta?"

He hesitated for a moment before speaking.

"As a Limet and Reedy's sister, do you blame me for getting him and the others killed?" He asked with determination. He needed to bury this topic and the last thing he needed to do, was ask how Mercury felt about it.

She blinked in confusion. "Why would I blame you? They're still alive, aren't they?"

"But what if they weren't?"

"That's irrelevant, Meta. They are still alive, just like you are right now. There's nothing for you to regret or for me to blame." She replied honestly.

The youth became silent for a moment. "...thank you, Mercury."

"Besides even if they did die, I still wouldn't blame you, Meta. It's a sad truth that all life ends at some point. I would be heartbroken, but I wouldn't blame you. Also, your actions saved their lives, so quit with the self-loathing, alright?"

"I'll try, but no promises..." He sighed.

He then felt Mercury flick his forehead. "Wrong answer. Promise me, Meta."

He stared at her for a moment. "Ok, Mercury, I promise."

"Good." She then flicked him again. "What was that for?"

"For asking a dumb question. Now come, let's go find Kurabe."

He quickly nodded and followed after her.

"So did you know about my rising popularity?" Meta asked, trying to make small talk.

"I'm pretty sure you're the only one who wasn't aware of it." The Limet replied with a laugh.

"Oh..." he uttered, his face turning a bit red.

"You should look up the news more often. You've been in the headlines for a while now."

He looked up at her and blinked. "You mean... as in before the Myovam incident?"

"Yup. Defeating an ice giant. Defeating a powerful group of space pirates. Not to mention a lot of the other missions you've been on. You defeating the Myovam is just icing on the cake."

"I didn't know I was that famous..."

"I wouldn't blame you. It took Kurabe decades to learn that she had a fanbase."

Considering how easy it was for her to ignore being watched, that wasn't a surprise.

"What about you, Mercury?" He then asked.

"Me? Yeah, I suppose I'm a bit famous. It's a bit embarrassing, though, and not all the attention is positive."

He knew exactly what she meant by that. "But you still get positive attention, right?"

"Yeah, which is the embarrassing part. I'm thankful for it though. Even if certain fans are a bit... hardcore, I guess..."

Meta only looked at her in confusion. "...what do you mean?"

"I get a lot of love letters. Some more flattering than others."

"Well, isn't that kind of a good thing? You're really pretty and it's good for people to acknowledge that."

"It's still embarrassing. Plus, I'm not exactly interested in dating at the moment." She answered, instinctively putting her hand over her core.

As if realizing what that meant, Meta stopped walking.

"...I'm really sorry, Mercury. That was very insensitive for me."

"Don't apologize, Meta. You didn't mean any harm by it. I'll be fine, trust me." Mercury said with a genuine smile.

The youth smiled himself, glad that Mercury had been smiling a lot more recently.

"Ok then. Now we should probably go look for sensei."

"Yeah, who knows where she might be?" A familiar voiced said from behind.

"Ah! Sensei!" He shouted, turning around. "How long were you behind us for?"

"I just got here."

The vice captain nodded. "Well, did you pick out any books, Kurabe?"

"A few. Mainly recipe books. I've been meaning to expand my culinary skills for a while."

"Really? What kind of recipes? Any interesting novels?"

"The recipes are a secret. I'd rather surprise you all later at dinner. As for novels, I just picked up a romance novel that Mercury recommended me."

The youth blinked in slight surprise. "Sensei, I didn't know you were interested in romance..." Meta commented.

"Somewhat." She replied in a tone that didn't invite any more conversation.

"...why "somewhat"?" Her student then asked, both curious and partially wanting to finally have something to tease his mentor about.

"Because I haven't met anyone whose gotten my attention. Romantically speaking."

After that blunt reply, Mercury knelt down and whispered to Meta. "In other words, it's so she can imagine herself in her ideal romantic relationship."

The youth quietly laughed at that.

"I heard that."

"I know." She then stood up, crossing her arms confidently. "What are you going to do about it?"

"Want me to tell stories about when you were drunk?"

"Do you want me to pay for your books?"

"You're the one who offered remember? I wouldn't mind paying." She replied with a cocky grin.

"I was already planning on doing it."

"Great! Here you go." Kurabe said as she placed the books in Mercury's arms.

The woman then turned to Meta. "Well, I'll pay for your books as well then, Meta."

"Okay..." Meta replied, unsure of what just happened.

---------

After Mercury bought the books, the group walked out of the store together.

"Well, Meta, where would you like to go next?" Kurabe asked, waiting in anticipation for a response.

"I have no idea." He answered truthfully.

He had done everything he had wanted to do, so he didn't really care about what happened next. He was just happy to have his current companions with him.

"You two can decide on what we do."

His mentor nodded. "Alright then, where would you like to go, Mercury?"

"Well, there's that clothing and jewelry store we like." She mentioned, looking at Meta.

"We can go if you want. I don't mind." He replied.

"Alright then, we'll go there. Besides, we can get Meta something a bit more casual than his uniform if he wants." Kurabe said.

Her student rolled his eyes, already knowing that she'd buy him something anyway.

"Oh, don't think like that, Meta! Come on!" His mentor uttered, grabbing his hand, and dragging him off in the direction of the stores.

Mercury couldn't help but laugh at the scene that just unfolded.

---------

While Kurabe and Mercury were in the two stores, Meta quietly waited on a bench.

"I said I wouldn't mind but, I didn't think they'd take this long." He thought as he stared at some floating clouds in the sky.

"Metaaaaa! Come over here!" He heard his mentor's voice.

Meta lazily got up and walked over.

"Well, at least she looks happy." He thought. He then noticed that she was in the clothing store.

"Sensei, what is it?"

She then became silent as she looked back at him and at a set of clothing.

"Mercury, what do you think is more fitting for him...?" She murmured.

"All of them, honestly. Though if I had to choose one, the set on the left."

"Oh yes, I think that does fit the most."

Meta gave a slightly annoyed sigh.

"Don't complain, you don't even know what it is!"

"I'm allowed to complain about anything that involves me." He thought.

"Sensei, stop reading my mind, please." He said, stopping the inevitable sentence she was about to say.

She then gave a pout and began to squish his cheeks in irritation. "Don't tell me what to do! I am your teacher!"

"I was asking politely, sensei." He struggled to say through his stretched cheeks.

As if realizing this, she stopped squishing his cheeks and gave a slight huff as she took the set, presumably to go buy it.

"Believe it or not, she was looking through both of these stores to find something for you." Mercury said.

"I definitely believe it." He replied dryly, but then spoke once more, loud enough for Kurabe to hear. "But I do appreciate it."

He noticed her give a slight twitch, as if she had heard the response.

"Yeah, sorry we took so long, though." The woman added. "I know this was supposed to be a day for you to relax, but I feel a bit bad for leaving you on that bench."

"It's fine. The bench was surprisingly comfortable."

"Yeah, but were you fine with being by yourself? I'm sure you haven't been having the best thoughts lately, so..."

"Of course I'm fine. Besides it's not like you two were far away. If something happened, I know sensei would come to me immediately. I just watched the clouds to distract myself."

The woman gave a smile. "Would you like to know what Kurabe bought for you?"

"I'm sure she'd rather show me herself. Though, I am admittedly curious."

"Well, you'll have to wait until we return to the GranEssex to see it." Kurabe said as she returned.

"Well, I'm sure you both are quite tired after today, so why don't you both start making your way back to the starship? I'll join you after I pick up some ingredients for dinner tonight."

"I can accompany you, sensei." Meta said before involuntarily yawning. "...Or maybe not."

She smiled as she patted his head. "Go back with Mercury and get some rest. I want to make sure you're awake when I make you dinner tonight."

The youth nodded, not wanting to leave Kurabe alone but couldn't argue with her either.

"Let's go, Meta." Mercury said while grabbing his hand.

Slightly embarrassed, he only followed her back to the starship in comfortable silence.

---------

Either Meta fell asleep on the trip back to the starship or the GranEssex, as when he opened his eyes, he was back in his room on the GranEssex.

"I guess I was more tired than I thought." He said while his eyes adjusted to the light in his room.

"Good morning, sleepyhead." He heard a familiar voice.

"Mercury? Were you watching over me?"

"Yup. I was worried what would happen if you woke up and you were alone, so I thought I'd stay here with you. It's also because Kurabe wanted me to wait in here with you while she made dinner."

"I see. Well, thank you." He said awkwardly.

"What's wrong, Meta?" She asked in concern.

"Nothing. I'm just not used to having people watch me sleep. I swear, you and sensei always assume something is wrong. Not that I particularly mind, I guess."

"Well, we're just worried about you, you know?"

"I know and I appreciate it."

For a moment, she smiled, but then her expression became serious as she took his hand.

"Meta, you probably already know this, but if you're having any problems or worries, feel free to come talk to me about them. I know I probably can't do much about your problems, but I will at least try to make you feel better."

Meta smiled, but there was something sad about it. "Thank you, Mercury. It's just hard sometimes. Reaching out for help, I mean. I don't want to be a burden on anyone."

"I understand that all too well, Meta." She replied with a somewhat melancholic sigh.

The youth saw the somewhat sad expression on her face. It, combined with the way she spoke, gave him even more determination to become stronger, so that she wouldn't feel sad again.

"Alright, you two, enough of that. It's time for dinner." They heard a voice from the doorway, and it was, of course, Kurabe.

"Ah, sensei! Did shopping go well?"

"It did. I got everything I needed to make dinner tonight. Now, come on. I'm sure you're starving by now."

He nodded as he hopped off his bed and quickly followed her to her room.

---------

On the extremely short trip to Kurabe's room, Meta spoke up.

"So, sensei, what are we having? Is it something from that cookbook you got earlier?"

"That's right, but you'll just have to wait and see." She said while opening her door.

The youth sighed, knowing better than to pry about it and took a seat at the table.

"Did anything eventful happen? Or were too absorbed by shopping to notice like usual?" Mercury asked.

"There was a two for one sale if you consider that as eventful."

"Oh? At which store?" The woman asked.

"The grocery store." She responded flatly.

"Yes, but which one?"

"I told you, the grocery store."

"Kurabe, seriously."

"What? That's the name of the store."

Mercury blinked. "The grocery store is literally named the grocery store?"

"Yes, that's what I was saying." Her superior pouted.

"That's a dumb name."

"I know, right?!"

"Sensei, I'm hungry..."

"Don't worry, hungry, you'll get your food soon. Also, if you want to go by that name, it's fine, but I much prefer your original name."

"SENSEIIIII!" He shouted, clearly angered by that.

"Yes?" She responded, clearly not bothered by the outburst.

"...Please stop with those jokes." He said after calming down.

"I will once you stop giving such cute reactions, Meta."

Looking extremely annoyed and even angry by this, Meta hopped down from his chair and left the room. He didn't get far and was quickly dragged back inside.

"Meta, I apologize for teasing you, but you shouldn't leave like that. At least not until you eat."

Meta however still looked upset, causing Kurabe to feel incredibly guilty.

"Look, I'm sorry. I just can't help but tease you. But if it really bothers you, I'll stop for a while. Ok?"

"Then learn to stop teasing people..." he mumbled with a pout.

Kurabe's first instinct was to say, "Then learn to stop getting so upset." but she quickly stopped herself and simply hugged Meta.

"I'll try."

After what her student experenced two days ago, there was no doubt that the last thing she wanted to do was upset him.

"...You promise?" He asked weakly.

"I promise." She replied, hugging him tighter.

"Then I forgive you. Now can we please eat?"

She quickly stopped hugging him. "Oh yes, I'm sure you're excited to see what I made. Now, this is a new recipe, so let me know what you think of it, so I know whether or not to make it again."

"I'll probably like it, but ok. So, what is it?"

"It's called a gyro. It's an ancient meal from a long-lost civilization. Normally it's made with beef, but I decided to use chicken instead."

"It looks good at least." He said, taking a moment to take in the aroma.

"Well then, dig in."

At her urging, Meta took a bite and immediately he felt a surge of flavor. It was enough to completely get rid of his annoyed mood.

"Well, what do you think?" She asked.

"It's delicious! What's in it, sensei?"

"Well, chicken, of course, since I made it with that instead of the usual beef."

"I know that much, but what else is in it?"

"Lettuce, onions, a few tomatoes. And the most important part, the Greek yogurt. That ingredient is pretty hard to come by."

"Well, it's really good, sensei." He said before taking another bite.

Kurabe smiled, glad that his mood was better again. "What about you, Mercury? Do you like it?"

"I like it in the same way that I like all of your food." She bluntly replied.

Kurabe playfully pouted before turning to her student. "Well, Meta, have you had a good day?"

"I did, sensei. Thank you." He said with a smile. However, he then became tense. "Can I ask you something, sensei?"

"What is it?"

"Well, this is a bit embarrassing to admit but, I've been having nightmares ever since that day. So, I was wondering if..."

"You could sleep with me?"

"...If you don't mind..."

Kurabe was silent for a moment before she gave a quiet giggle. "Of course you can."

"Thank you, sensei." He responded, a tad embarrassed.

"Fine, you don't need to twist my arm. I'll stay in here too." Mercury said, unprompted.

"Huh!? Mercury!? But why!?" The youth asked, surprised at that response.

"Why? You said you've been having nightmares. What other reason do I need?"

"I know, but... don't you feel embarrassed...?"

"Not really. I trust you to not to do anything you shouldn't."

The youth became silent for a moment before giving a nod. "Thank you."

"Don't mention it." She said with a smile. "Well, I'll go get dressed for the night then. Meta, close your eyes."

"Um... ok?" The youth did as told.

"Alright, open them."

He did and what he saw was Mercury now in a nightgown. "That... looks... really nice on you..." He uttered shyly.

"Thanks. Now you should probably get dressed for bed as well. After you're done eating anyway."

"...but I usually just go to sleep in my uniform."

"Suit yourself." Mercury said.

However, Kurabe was having none of it.

"Wear this when you go to sleep, Meta." She said while handing him a sleeping cap.

"...sensei, is this what you got me at the clothing store?"

"One of them, yes. I got you another set of clothes, but we can worry about that tomorrow."

The youth nodded. "Alright, I'll look forward to it."

He then returned to eating.

"Is it strange that I sleep in my uniform?" He asked after finishing another bite.

"Well, it's fine if you're out in the field and have to, but I'm sure you'll be a lot more comfortable if you sleep without it." Mercury said.

"It's also because you shouldn't let it get wrinkled." His mentor added.

"But I see that you always wear your armor when you sleep, sensei."

"Not always, just the times you've slept with me. Sometimes I'm too tired to bother with removing it. Outside my visor, of course."

He took another bite. "So, are you going to be wearing it tonight?"

"No. And you won't be wearing your uniform either. I got us matching caps for a reason." She said, holding a similar cap to the one he received.

"...so that includes the kinda useless veil you wear?"

"...What was that, Meta?" She asked with a forced smile.

"Please, forget I said anything."

The forced smile returned to being a relaxed one and the danger coming from Kurabe ceased. It baffled Meta that Kurabe could ignore so much but be set off by the smallest of things. Then again, he knew how seriously she took her equipment and clothing. In an attempt to make the atmosphere more comfortable, he decided to ask another question.

"So why is it important to not have wrinkles on my uniform if it's just going to get dirty during missions anyway?"

"It's easier to clean off your uniform than to get wrinkles out and clean your uniform of dirt."

"I get that, but ultimately I'll need to clean my uniform after every mission. So, what's the harm of a few wrinkles?"

"You have to remember, Meta. We aren't just soldiers. We're members of an elite organization, thus we need to look the part. As silly as it may sound, our image is important."

He stared at her for a moment before nodding in understanding. Just then he yawned, much to his own surprise.

"Why am I so exhausted? I haven't done anything strenuous today."

"You're emotionally exhausted, Meta."

Well, he couldn't deny that, if he was being honest. He then rubbed his eyes.

"So, I guess since I'm done with dinner, I should go to sleep in a bit..." He uttered as he headed towards Kurabe's bed, beginning to slowly remove his uniform as he did so.

Once he got into bed, he put on the sleeping cap, surprised by how comfy it was. In fact, he felt like he could fall asleep at that very moment. In fact, he practically did so before he could say anything else.

"Well, look at that. Already asleep." Mercury said.

"I knew that cap would look cute on him." added Kurabe.

"It does." The woman smiled as she began to clear the table.

"Well, let's hurry up, Mercury. I want to get to bed as fast as possible. I don't want Meta to have another nightmare. He doesn't deserve any of them."

"Alright then, help me out. It'll get done more quickly if we work together."

"That's my line. I already have my half of the table clean."

She quickly looked up, shocked. "How did you? Did you use magic?"

Kurabe grinned. "No, I'm just simply a master of cleaning."

Mercury gave a slight laugh. "Alright, I should be done in a bit." She then gathered up the rest of the utensils and plates. "How about you start getting ready yourself, Kurabe?"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, now get to sleep. The sleepy prince is waiting for his mother."

Admittedly, Kurabe was a bit surprised for a moment by those words, but then she let out a slight chuckle.

"Alright then." She then looked at Mercury. "Do I really come off as a mother?"

"Is that a rhetorical question or an actual one?"

"An actual one!" She replied with a pout.

"Don't you tell people to not ask questions with obvious answers?"

She only continued to pout.

"Fine. Yes, you come off as a mother. You've acted like one the minute you brought him to the ship all those years ago."

"A mother..." She uttered, taking a moment to process the word before giving a grin. "Well, of course! I'm the best mother in the galaxy! And even if he doesn't view me as his mother, I shall continue to be there for him!" She stated in her usual confidence.

Mercury giggled. "Yeah, don't really think you need to worry about that, sis."

Kurabe smiled at that as she removed her pauldrons. "Glad to see that you agree with me."

However, her happiness was short-lived as she began to struggle to remove the sabatons.

"Let me do it." Mercury said while sighing.

"I can do it!" She pouted in a childish manner.

"I know you can, but it'd be faster if I did it. Or do you want Meta to have a nightmare?"

She continued to pout, but then sat on the bed, as if giving in to the request.

"Alright, they're off. Good night, sis."

Kurabe then put the nightcap on her head.

"Good night, Mercury."

The woman left to finish cleaning the table and Kurabe crawled up next to Meta, making he wasn't having a nightmare. Upon confirmation that he wasn't, she smiled and wrapped him up in a hug.

"Good night, my little knight."

Although her student remained silent, the small smile on his face was the only thing she needed for confirmation that he heard her words. Soon, she too fell asleep, keeping Meta in her caring embrace. Shortly after that, Mercury also joined them, carefully laying down on the open side next to Meta as to not wake him up.

"What a bunch of dorks..." She said, commenting on the position they were in. Then, she gave a smile. "Still, they're my family. Good night, you two."

Although she didn't get a response, she knew that they were aware, as they gave a slight sigh. The three slept soundly for the rest of the night, with not a single nightmare to be had.

[his-saiko]

The Summoning

— The Other Side

"Take me to the other side."

You weren't supposed to be anywhere near this man's path. But there was something about you that seems so compelling. Curiosity? Lust? Threat? He just has to know. Whatever it is, there's one thing he is definitely set on. He wants you and he's not so easily distracted from that goal.

— Hawks x f!oc/reader. Friends? Dabi x f!oc/reader. Friends.

C/Tw. themes of harm, themes of mental issues, intrusive thoughts [All possible triggering content will be enclosed in !'s

1.5k

You took time to recover from your shutdown and have used the time to think about what to do with what you know. The right thing to do would be to report the authorities but how would you explain how you got that information? You weren't exactly abducted and you got out alive. You sigh. It is just as heavy as your own thoughts.

"You could try to figure it out on your own." "Like a detective?" "Detective work feels like a hassle." You get ready to go out and see both the feather and the tracker phone on your desk. "Wouldn't hurt to leave those alone." You tell yourself. Is there really any reason to keep in touch with both? You can always pretend like nothing happened, that you've never met them. Just as you've always done.

You make the call. "Hello? I'd like to go if the offer is still available."

You wait at the corner of the street to be picked up. A car comes up to you and someone comes out. It wasn't anyone you recognise but your distrust must be within their expectations. They introduced themselves as your driver and gave you the information you need to trust them for the moment at least.

"So he'll know if I go missing?" You play it off as a joke but it was a genuine concern of it still.

They say yes.

You get in the car and let them drive you to the place. You fidget with your clothes as you anticipate your arrival. You consciously make an effort to make yourself look and feel calm.

The driver helps you out of the car and you were greeted by those who are supposed to be assisting you. Your eyes scan but you don't see him anywhere. You breathe out. "I guess it's for the best..."

"L/n Y/n?"

"Yes?" You turn but saw no one but a brooding man with an intense gaze. You lower your head to avoid his eyes then see a small white heteromorph.

"I'm Nezu. You must be the one Hawks contacted me about. Are you ready to register your quirk?"

"Uhm. Yes, but I don't have much control over it since it manifested so late." "What's the etiquette of talking to a person this small?"

"That's okay. You don't have to worry about losing control. We have someone who can take care of that."

You follow the peculiar person down the hall. "You mean Hawks?"

"No. Aizawa." He gestures towards the brooding man.

"Oh."

You did all sorts of tests. Some have been more difficult than others. Like, the needle not being to break your skin. But worse than all of them, was when you were put in a room with someone asking you questions about your life and childhood that you don't even remember anymore. You look in the mirror. This isn't like any other psych evaluation.

"Dr..."

"Just a few more minutes." He reassures. "How are you feeling?"

"Like you need to get out and bring the man who could stop me from losing control of my quirk." You answer but the tone of pleading escaped your throat. "Please!"

You rise from your seat and hold onto your chest. You can't breathe.

"It's okay. Why don't we try to calm down together."

You feel a presence coming towards you so you scream and swing your arm but your arm got caught in what looked like a bandage. You realise that you can't activate your quirk. You follow the cloth and see the brooding man from before.

He quickly let you go.

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to! I was scared!"

"It's okay. We can stop here."

You have a weighted blanket over you as you wait by the lobby.

"Is she still here? Y/n!"

You turn to the voice and see the pro-hero coming towards you. "Sorry. I couldn't come sooner. I was held up in work. Did anything happen?"

You shake your head but you feel tears forming and threatening to make themselves known. "I think I messed up." You babble then bury your face in your hands.

Hawks chuckles a bit. "I think you're supposed to, Y/n. If you didn't the data might not be accurate."

"They didn't even do anything. I just panicked."

"You think you need some air?"

Hawks flies you to the top of the hospital. You sit down on the floor and breathe in and out deeply.

Both of you stay silent, but there was an agreement between you two as well. You both want to ask about being with the villains.

"Y/n—" "Hawks—"

"Oh—" "Oh—" You both chuckle and fall silent.

"About the villains—"

"I trust you." You immediately say. "Whatever your reason, I trust you. Even if we take different paths, I trust you." The words become heavier in your heart as you repeat them.

"I'll always get to you when you need me." Hawks smiles though very different from the ones he puts on for the masses. "Count on it."

"Oho~ She came back," Toga comments as she sees you.

"Dabi's little girlfriend?" Twice asks as he peeks from the door.

"Girlfriend?" You repeat in confusion. "Little??" You look at Twice but quickly back down when you notice the height difference between you two. "I— I thought I wanted to check this place out more?" You say your excuse, but actually, you're here to tail a friend. "What do you do here exactly?"

"What you trying to know our secrets to sell us out?" — "Are you gonna be our friend then?"

"I guess I shouldn't have asked that. Is Dabi here? I called him to get here but I haven't seen him."

"He's out," Toga answers. "You wouldn't mind hanging out with us for a bit, right?" She grins.

"Well, there's not much else to do but that, right?"

Toga drags you around to show you everything she likes while Twice follows along giving commentary. There you find a little about their hierarchy.

"League of Villians using the Liberation Army as a front." You note. "Ah. Where's Shigaraki?"

"He's with the doctor." Toga answers immediately but her eye are trained on you.

You pause for a moment. "Is he sick or something?" You feel pressure weighing down on you the more the topic continues.

"Something like that."

"I guess that makes sense."

"Hey, it's Hawks. Hawks!" Twice waves down at the hallway.

Hawks's eyes met with yours and you give him a gentle smile. You three joined up with him. Though it seems that the group was already divided with Toga staying close to you and Twice talking up a storm with Hawks. And between you and Hawks, you both built a wall in between you two for this.

"Wait, why did you come back? Are you joining?" — "You better not be a spy or anything."

"Honestly..." You start. "I'm on the fence about it. I was thinking about talking to Dabi or Shigaraki to help make things clear for me."

"Why them? We're here." Toga asks.

"Hmm. Well, why are you guys here?"

"Because the League makes me feel useful and they're fine with being me." Twice answers.

"Because I want things my way." Toga follows.

"Yeah, I guess that makes sense." You mutter you put your hands in your pockets. "Me? I'm just looking for something to aim for."

"Like what?" Toga looks at you with curiosity.

You shrug. "Hope. Freedom." Your voice lowers. "I'm honestly tired of being no one I guess." You briefly glance at Hawks. He himself was quiet but you can tell by his eyes he was thinking. "I don't want to put up a front though, I wanna be myself."

"See? That sounds like our cause." Toga holds your hand. "You should really join us. It would be nice to have someone I like around."

"Yeah..."

You sit down facing the horizon. You hug your knees and play the scene in your head over and over to try and get an emotion out of yourself.

"I see you have found the roof." You watch as Dabi joins you.

"Toga and Twice kept me company. They seemed nice."

"And they seem to like you too. Don't know how to feel about the crazies liking you."

"It takes one to know one." You both laugh.

"Twice says you plan on joining."

"Wouldn't say plan. It's complicated." You shift to a different position propping your head.

"What else is there to think about?"

"Someone doesn't want me being here." You lean back. "And I did say I don't want to get caught up in this war of yours."

"You mean Hawks?" Dabi scoffs and clicks his tongue, annoyance growing in his chest. "What does that hero have to do with your business?"

"Same that he doesn't have any like you." You answer then fall silent for a moment. "I've studied people as a pass time. Shigaraki has something people need to fear. And for someone like you, alongside him." You give Dabi a side glance. "I can already see what comes next."

Dabi raises his eyebrows. "What's that?"

"The pain you all feel." You shift again and fold your hands together. "And it's difficult to deny that that's my pain as well."

taglist:

© 2023 Alfi. Do not replicate.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

[TWs: Intrusive thoughts, CSA and Online NCCSA mentions, rape mentions, self harm mentions (specifically via cutting), masturbation mentions, there will probably be a suicide mention too but I'm not sure I'm writing this before writing the actual post] Hey. You probably don't remember me, so I'll reintroduce myself. I'm ☀️, that's what I went by last time anyway. I'm 15 now, and I still have all the same issues. I've been groomed and/or sexually objectified five times, developed intrusive thoughts after the fifth time, still struggling with hypersexuality and compulsive masturbation, ADHD, there's a high chance I have Moral OCD or POCD maybe both I don't know, and it's been I think a good six months since my previous real message And I'm here again because everything has gotten ten times worse. I found out a few months ago that I often have intrusive thoughts when I'm aroused or masturbating, meaning when I engage in any type of sexual activity with myself, my thoughts that I find arousing are often in the same presence as thoughts I find disgusting all the while I'm still bodily aroused, and I do not think I have to say just how absolutely fucking awful that feels. That is a feeling I wouldn't wish on even the most deplorable people in the world. And because I am hypersexual and compulsively masturbate, nothing will ever truly satisfy me, so I am forced to feel this torture again and again and again until i am physically too tired to do any more. I've never been actually raped or assaulted thank god but I feel like this is the closest I'll ever get to experiencing it cause it honestly feels like I'm assaulting myself. And it's been too much. I don't know when it started but I know it was this month, but recently I've started cutting my upper arms and shoulders with a knife that's in my room. It's not a sharp knife as it's part of a gold utensils set, but it's enough to leave scars. I know I'm doing a bad thing to myself but I'm honestly starting to not care, maybe I deserve it for allowing myself to sink this low. That's not to say it's been all bad, I've recently taken up both platonic and romantic self shipping to sorta distract myself from all of these problems, and it has been nice but even that has had it's down side. One of my platonic f/os (fictional ones) is a character that I see as my little sister due to our similar traumas, and that has been sweet, but recently all of my intrusive thoughts have been about her. I would never hurt her or draw anything gross with her that's my goddamn baby, but that doesn't stop intrusive thoughts I'm honestly just at a loss on what to do. If it weren't for the fact that I have people who care about me I probably would've jumped off a balcony by now, and I'm not planning on doing that because that's stupid, I'm not going to hurt other people just because I'm hurt. But honestly, the other options don't seem pleasing either. I'm definitely dropping out of high school once I legally can because I've just about given up on my education, I've missed weeks of schoolwork due to my mental health and I'm definitely going to have to repeat the 9th grade. And I don't have a chance in college. I'm barely able to draw anymore because of my mental health so I probably can't make a job out of that, and there's honestly not much out for me. The only thing I have is my cringy story that probably won't become an actual thing until I'm like 17. At this point, I feel hopeless. Please tell me what you would do in my shoes.

HI ☀️,

I remember you and I appreciate you reintroducing yourself. I'm sorry to hear that things have gotten worse for you lately. It takes a lot of courage to open up about your struggles, and please know you're not alone.

The presence of intrusive thoughts during sexual activities can be distressing and confusing, especially when they involve things that goes against your values and beliefs. It's important to remember that intrusive thoughts are not a reflection of who you are as a person or your true desires. They are a common experience, especially for trauma survivors.

Please know that intrusive thoughts don't reflect your values. Thoughts like these tend to get more persistent the more you fight them. It's not easy at first, but learning to simply acknowledge that you're having the thought and allowing it to pass like every other thought can help. Some people benefit from visualizing a stream (of consciousness) where each thought is a lily pad, placing the thought on the lily pad and watching it drift away.

It's positive to hear that you've found some distraction and solace through platonic and romantic self-shipping. Engaging in creative outlets can provide momentary escape and comfort. But if you find that intrusive thoughts are interfering with your enjoyment of these activities, it might be helpful to explore different coping strategies or expand your interests to other hobbies that feel safer and more fulfilling for you.

I understand that it feels daunting to contemplate your future, especially when you're feeling hopeless. It's essential to give yourself time and space to heal, seek professional support, and explore different avenues that align with your interests and strengths. While it may feel challenging now, it's important to remember that circumstances can change, and there are opportunities for personal growth and fulfillment ahead.

Given the intensity of your experiences, you may want to speak with a mental health professional such as a therapist who specializes in trauma or OCD. A therapist can provide you with guidance, support, and evidence-based techniques to help manage your intrusive thoughts, hypersexuality, and compulsive behaviors. Therapy can also help you navigate your self-worth, process your traumas, and develop healthy coping mechanisms.

Please know that we care about you and want to support you through this difficult time. Consider reaching out to trusted individuals in your life and seeking professional help. You deserve care, understanding, and the opportunity to heal.

I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[thesinglesjukebox]

KOE WETZEL FT. JESSIE MURPH - HIGH ROAD"

Surely someone in the Auntie Anne's dynasty is also an aspiring musician...

[4.80]

Grace Robins-Somerville: It’s getting hard for me to keep track of the bearded Top 40 country singer guys—your Lukes and Zachs and Bryans and such. It wasn’t familiar with either of these artists before hearing this song, so the first thing I thought was that they’re just making up people, and the second was a half-assed attempt to come up with a joke about how Koe Wetzel is a nepo baby because he must be the heir to the Wetzel’s Pretzels fortune. As for Jessie Murph, the fried, spindly baby-voice thing has been unbearable for years. But maybe in a month or two I’ll hear this song on the radio at Cook Out while I’m stoned on a weeknight and be charmed by it, who knows.  [4]

Katherine St. Asaph: This seemingly innocuous song has produced a serious contender for stupidest beef of the year (and yet somehow not the stupidest beef in Koe Wetzel's career). Wetzel, a Texan country artist, released a duet with Murph, a TikTok-grown pop artist and Wetzel's labelmate on Columbia Records. For this, the two artists (but mostly Murph) received an amount of online hate that was startling even by easily offended country music fan standards. Why this song, and not, say, Florida Georgia Line collaborating with Bebe Rexha or Morgan Wallen collaborating with Post Malone or Koe Wetzel collaborating with Diplo and Kodak Black (o what a nexus of awfulness)? These cancellable sins, apparently: the duet wasn't supposed to be a duet (source: trust me bro), the duet is too pop (you don't write a song with Amy Allen if you're not making pop), Murph's voice is too scratchy (I actually like how she blows "indie girl voice" out into the red), or that old classic, "there's just something I don't like about her." The sheer whininess of it all makes me like this more. Good news for shit people, though: there's a solo version out. This release, a standard tactic that record labels use to juice their streaming playcounts and pander to radio programmers who're terrified of pop or rap verses in their rotation, is being taken as a capitulation by the haters and even by the artists. "I don’t have to deal with Koe Wetzel fans calling me a rat anymore," Murph said. When fans go low, they go high, I guess. [6]

Nortey Dowuona: amy allen miss challenge - failed [7]

Ian Mathers: I'm sorry, I'm just too hung up on the way that none of the songwriters here appear to have any idea what "the high road" means, idiomatically. Or if it's supposed to be ironic/sarcastic, someone forgot to tell the performers. [3]

Will Adams: I enjoy the joke: dude claims to be taking the high road but is in fact just drowning his sorrows in bourbon. But neither Wetzel nor Murph lean into the humor enough, playing it dead serious and dead boring. There's really nothing else besides those distracting flat notes. [5]

Alfred Soto: The rake at my karaoke bar who brings a different young woman every visit loves singing "Drinkin' Problem" and other solid contemporary country. I can see him singing the male part here, down to the self-effacing manner in which he'll run his fingers through his wan mullet. "I don't need a ticket to your shit show" is not a thing the gentlemen he poses as would say, though. [7]

Jonathan Bradley: Whatever his outlaw inclinations, Koe Wetzel has a whole lotta nothing to say and no good way to say it. I don't mind country mining alt rock for inspiration, because alt rock has soundtracked the boonies for the past couple decades; there's no point pretending this is an artificial -- or novel -- intrusion. But if a country artist is going to sell me Staind crossed with Daughtry, I'd like some narrative, some feeling, something more than weed references to tell me why their particular story is worth heeding. Jessie Murph, to her credit, has some vocal fry and she extracts a lot of personality from that creaky voice. She doesn't have any more material to work with than Wetzel, so all that personality is left to sit and stew but, for the duration of her verse, "High Road" finds an extra dimension. [4]

Taylor Alatorre: That watery early 2000s guitar tone as homing beacon for the kind of subterranean post-industrial sickness that can only be properly transcribed at a 6th-grade level -- otherwise known as the key signature of Madden NFL 2003 -- still has its disciples. Koe Wetzel uses it here only as a garnish, not wanting to disturb his staid country duet in which, surprise, both sides are at fault and the title infrastructure doesn't actually exist. I wish he had gone with his instincts and let the post-grunge infection spread a little more, at least to give Jessie Murph a stronger platform for her acidic put-downs. [5]

Kristen S. Hé: Wetzel's warm baritone and Murph's Bhad Bhabie-Taryn Manning squawk: oil and water, but probably more memorable for it? [4]

Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: Post Malone and Morgan Wallen have more chemistry than this. These two have taken a perfectly good emo revival guitar tone and done some slam poetry bullshit over it, junking the track up with mixed metaphors and remedial melodrama.  [3]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox]

[alowlycaterpillar]

Maybe I'm just high but I feel like suicide hotlines shouldn't work the way they do anymore. I feel like talking someone through a grounding meditative exercise just will not help the modern breed of suicidality, because frankly the more grounded you are in reality, the more bleak things rly seem. And honestly, those techniques don't rly work if you haven't built the skills into habits over time with a counselor or therapist often times

What I feel like would work a lot better is a suicide hotline where the person can be like "okay step one let's find you something else to do right now while we talk, what do you like ? Do you want an app to play or a video game discount code or a one day access code to a streaming service?", get a distraction set up.

Then once the caller is doing something they like that let's them ward off the intrusive "end it" screams from all the horrors,,, then the call operator can get down to business, but instead of talking reasons to live, they ask about the person's life. Where do they work, what are their goals, do they have communities they like/used to like, what things are weighing on them - this is the bit where some training might be needed for how to angle the discussion toward "why do you wanna die" without saying it like... That.

And then when the caller is like "I can't afford groceries and I miss going to orchestra practice" or "well my mom passed recently and I really miss her and I'm super stressed about graduating university and not knowing what to do next" or "my health has been declining and I don't know how to access assistance or even what to ask for", then that call operator has a database and they can type in keywords like "food security", "grief", "medical advice", etc, and can put together a packet of all these links and an explanation of what they are, how to contact them, who to ask for, & what to say.

When the call operator feels confident that the caller has settled, found someone or something to help them, and at least temporarily changed their mind, the operator will then ask to schedule a callback to discuss everything in the packet that will have been emailed to them, even if there is nothing to be discussed, specifically as accountability for the caller so that they have at least one thing they have to do.

That feels

Like idk I haven't thought about this that much but I feel like something closer to that would be ? Way more fucking helpful than some lady who goes "think of your poor mother burying her child" or whatever. Idk I only called once and they put me on hold so I hung up.