#tw nccsa

[plural-affirmations]

Here's to those who have had self-inflicted trauma.

Many, many traumatized individuals end up feeling like they are partly or completely to blame for their trauma. Regardless of reason, you are not responsible. Even if it was something you did to yourself or others, I firmly believe you were a victim of circumstance; genetic factors, predisposition, lack of knowing it was dangerous, adult influence, etc... there were things out of your control. So, today? We're here to appreciate you.

Shoutout to those who:

Went through SA, CSA, COCSA, and/or NCCSA

Were forced to do traumatizing acts to another child/person

Had/have an eating disorder

Had/have an addiction, even the "mild" or "uncommon" ones

Experienced self-harm or suicide attempts

Otherwise had a near-death experience

Were hospitalized for their mental health

And anyone else who just feels like it's their fault. Because I promise, it isn't.

It's going to be ok. I know how hard things can get. I've had my own run-ins with crises before, but... the important thing is that you're here. You have so, so much value and brightness inside you. I don't want you to think you have to take drastic measures to feel better. Because, you didn't get to write the beginning of your story... but you can definitely write the rest. And I'm excited to see how it turns out.

Please stick around, ok?

🖤💜💙💚💛

[impure-as-a-lamb]

[fawnbaits]

[unstablemotions]

i don't know much about what happened. it didn't happen to me

tw // incest, csa, alcoholism, grooming

my grandma and grandpa would abuse their own daughters. emotionally, physically and sexually. i know my grandpa beat my mom so bad she would faint. i know he molested my aunt

my grandma had a daycare when my mom and her sister were still kids. the kids were abused by my grandma. i don't know in what ways, but i have my guesses

my grandma later worked with elderly people at a retirement home. most of these people she took care of had dementia. she might have abused them too, but i don't know

my grandma used to take care of me as a kid pretty often. i used to love her. i loved the attention she gave me and how special she made me feel, but it also felt gross. i remember her telling me she loved me more than my sister and that it was our secret. i got upset she'd say that about my little sister. i started to notice the red flags. she was so controlling and manipulative, but i was 5 or even younger. i don't remember

she'd always want me to perform for her like a circus monkey. i needed to be a perfect little pretty girl who was smart and charming. she wanted me to dance for her. she wanted me to show off. she would slap my ass and talk about how petite it was. when i hit puberty, she'd start talking about my breasts with my mom and how big they were. it made me feel gross. they wanted me to be an alluring little lolita who they could live through

i also remember masturbating every night from when i was maybe 4? i would imagine myself getting killed by a monster while doing it and then play dead and try to see how dead i could seem. i'd hold my breath and keep my eyes open a little. my genitals would be sore from it. i don't know why i did this, but i knew it was "wrong" and i was ashamed. i remember my mom putting a cream on my genitals, i think because they had a rash. don't remember if it was from me masturbating, poor hygiene or something else. i don't remember the name of the cream, but i remember the smell and the tube. it was something from the pharmacy

i don't think my grandma is a pedophile. like i don't think she's attracted to children. i think she's a sadist who likes hurting people and she just picks the easiest target. i never got to know my grandpa since my grandma divorced him long before i was born because of his alcoholism. i don't know if he had any other sexual victims than his two daughters. maybe he has more kids than them now

i know my grandma has also experienced severe abuse, including sexual, as a young child. i know why she turned out like this. my mom is more tragic, because i see my mom wanting to be better than her mom, but then she repeats what her mom did. my mom is definitely not as evil, but she's still abusive

just a trauma dump to get some things off my chest. idk what to do with this information. i fall kinda in between all the help for csa survivors in my country since i don't think i was sexually abused "enough" to really fit their help programs. it was mostly me growing up knowing my grandpa molested my aunt and then more nccsa. like more emotional incest than physical things. this is all very confusing and i don't want to talk with my siblings about it. i don't want to trigger their potential traumas and destabilise them. i don't want to worry them before they're ready to talk. i feel lonely and like im going insane

[oh-the-stars-in-my-fingertips]

i hate knowing so many men saw all of me

i hate not knowing if any of them still have those pictures

i hate knowing they’ve seen my face

i hate thinking about what they wanted to do to me

i hate the fact that they affirmed me

i hate that they were some of the only people who found me attractive in that way

i hate not knowing if they’re still trying to find me

i hate knowing they know where i live

i hate knowing they wanted to come and see me in person

i hate looking at myself knowing all those men have seen it all

[csaventing]

Going through old chats where you were being abused is really… indescribably painful. But I could set boundaries and I did. They just weren’t respected at all, ever. No wonder I stopped setting boundaries after that and all that fell down to 0. I hate my history and what has happened to me.

[chemicalcarousel]

We have trauma related to being "smart". It was used to groom us because we wanted the approval of adults who said that we were "special" for being so intelligent for our age. We had a hard time making friends and we were bullied in school. We possibly had these problems because we might be autistic, but back then we were told we were just "too smart" to get along with those other kids. And it was always the adults who gave us attention and praised us. Called us clever, funny, mature, charming, beautiful, sexy. The other kids our age didn't like us and we didn't understand why. We wanted to impress the adults and make them proud, even if it did feel icky sometimes. We just wanted to be the perfect little girl, who was both highly intelligent and extremely charming whom our mommy and grandma could be proud of. And they were. And when they were satisfied I would have less of a chance of me or my siblings being abused further. If I just played my role whenever the order sounded

It is hard when something that's supposed to be a compliment is now something that makes you tense up. Idk man, just needed to get it off my chest. I wish I has just been treated like a kid

[girl444taking]

knowing i’ll nvr be as “desirable” at 17 as i was at 14. my youth was my worth. once that runs out, i’ll have nothing to give but shame

not an invitation for weird ass men to dm me. NOT interested bozo

[borderline-culture-is]

tw grooming, nccsa, vent kind of

//

bpd culture is realising that all ur fps in the past have been ur groomers. maybe they could just sense how desperate we were for their affection that they just used us up until they got bored of it. both of them left in the middle of the night, but at least one of them gave an explanation. still hurt. i miss them. -🪐🫀

.

[beware-of-kat]

I don’t care if it only happened once. I don’t care if he didn’t touch me. I don’t care if it wasn’t overtly nfsw!

It was degrading. It was humiliating. It made me feel like a fucking animal.

[burgerouppy]

i hate it when they tricked me into being dirty, that wasn't nice. i hate that they might still have those photos of me, i hate that they threatened to show them to my friends, i hate that its my fault for seeking them out, i hate loving attention, i hate you, i hate everyone involved, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

I don’t know how much you, as one account and not a mental health professional, really have a right to tell people whether what they experienced ‘counts’ as csa/cocsa/nccsa. what makes you/y’all more capable of making that judgement than anyone else

Hi anon,

I appreciate your concern. It's important to recognize that we never claim to be more capable of anything, but nobody needs to be a mental health professional to recognize what abuse is and isn't. That being said, some of us are mental health professionals. Ultimately it's up to survivors to name their own experiences, but we offer guidance and validation regardless.

I hope this could clear some things up. Please know that our inbox is open to you if you have anything on your mind.

-Bun

[impure-as-a-lamb]

[cephalo-bot]

[ivyant]

C-ptsd has been kicking my ass for a week and I can’t vent about it to anyone :))

[csaventing]

Sometimes I convince myself it didn’t really traumatize me, it was all online, it wasn’t that bad, and then I have a string of panic attacks for over three hours because I thought about it a little too hard.

So relateable.