#i wanted to do more for this week

[stranger-rants]

Disabled Billy & Steve Week Day 5 featuring Billy's OCD & Body Focused Repetitive Behavior

TW - discussions of self harm, intrusive thoughts, nausea & purging (non graphic)

Billy snapped the rubber band against his wrist for the hundredth time while in the waiting room of the doctor's office. His knee bounced up and down and he counted each second of every minute, glancing up at the clock every five minutes that ticked by.

It was all he could do to distract himself from the overwhelming desire he had to drag his fingernails down his arms, picking away at the thin lines of red scabs running down the inside. The thin lines he put there that week.

Something he tries to hide in public until the urge becomes too strong and he can't help himself but scratch and pick. He knows what people must think. He's not hurting himself, or rather he's not trying to. He's stopping it. Yes, that's it. Stopping it.

Every appointment is the same. "How are your wounds healing?" "Okay." "Oh, don't pick at the scabs. I know it's tempting, but they won't heal properly that way." A nod. "Are the pain medications working?" "Fine, I guess."

Hopper picked him up after the appointment. The ride was silent. It almost always is. There isn't much to say to one another, and Jim has given up trying to ask him how these appointments go. The answer is always the same. A shrug. It's fine.

It's not fine.

Billy's eyes fixate on the veins in his wrist. He rubs his thumb against it, tracing them. Hopper glances at him as he does this and it makes him feel uneasy. Coughs. Says they're having pizza and wings and soda tonight, "so think about what you want."

Another nod that doesn't tear Billy away from his fixation. His nails drag experimentally against the skin there. His thumb digs in like a dull knife, tracing the blue green veins, making half moons with his other fingernails that don't draw blood.

"What are you doing?" Jim says, irritated. That makes Billy jolt up, eyes shifting immediately away from his wrists. Getting caught floods him with a sense of shame, but he doesn't really understand what's so shameful about it.

"Nothing."

"It doesn't look like nothing "

Billy closes his eyes. "Just leave it alone, okay."

"Can't leave it alone if you're hurting yourself, Billy."

"I'm not!" Billy snaps, because he isn't. He's fixing it. He's stopping it. Hopper just doesn't understand.

Jim sighs. Every day feels like one step forward and three steps back with the boy. He understands what he went through before The Mindflayer. He can even relate to some of it, but it's hard to understand everything else. He tries, but it's never enough.

That's what the therapist is for, but with Billy refusing to open up it's been hard for him to make any progress there.

Billy sinks into his seat. His brows furrow, and the thoughts pour. His arms tingle. His blood turning thick and black like tar. The smell and the taste of chemicals in the back of his throat nauseate him. He tries not to cry.

It's there inside you. It's in you, and you have to dig it out. You have to make yourself well. You have to fix it. You have to make yourself clean, and there's only one way to do that. The doctors can't fix it. Only you can. Only you can dig it out. Dig it out. Fix it.

It loops through his head, and Billy pulls and snaps the rubber band against his wrist again to make it stop but it wont stop. When he gets home, he slams the door and locks himself in his bedroom. He pulls out his tweezers and picks all his scabs off.

Billy comes out of his room for dinner. Jim hands him an unopened liter of soda. Billy wont touch drink he doesn't open himself anymore. It's one of a number of strange behaviors Jim has had to get used to, but he doesn't fight Billy on it.

He figures it has to be a control thing. The Mind Flayer must have put so many things into his body without his permission that Billy needs this. That's half true. The other half being that Billy thinks that everything and everyone is trying to poison him.

Billy knows that's not right or fair.

Hopper isn't trying to hurt him, but what if Hopper didn't know it was poison? What if he just washed his hands and the soap got in the bottle? What if he didn't wash his hands and germs got in the bottle? That could kill him in his weakened state.

So Billy takes his fate into his own hands and opens his own bottles. If he makes himself sick, then Jim doesn't have to feel bad about it when he dies. No one should feel bad about him getting sick or dying when it's his fault and he should've stopped it.

Billy eats a couple chicken wings, but when he finds a black vein standing out against the white meat of the chicken, he stops and stares at it. It's in there. It's in your food. Spit it out. Get it out before it's too late. Billy pushes away and runs to the bathroom.

He brushes his teeth after for what feels like half an hour, checking his tongue and teeth for black blood or discoloration. Satisfied with his inspection, he pulls his sleeves up to check the scabbing wounds on his arms. The wounds he put there.

Seeing himself and his work in the mirror, the guilt and shame rises in his chest threatening to choke him. God. How could anyone want to touch him like this? He just wants it to stop. He just wants it to all go away. He feels out of control and unwell and...

He needs help.

Hopper sits in the living room reading the paper when Billy shuffles in.

He looks up at Billy and frowns. Billy's eyes are red rimmed, screaming distress. His sleeves are pulled up. The angry red and raw lines stand out, and Jim tries to stay calm. It's hard not to react, but he steels himself just enough not to chase Billy away.

"What's up, kiddo?"

He's tempted to ask if he's okay, but that never goes well because he's obviously not and Billy's not good at answering that question honestly.

"I just want it to stop."

Jim stands up quickly and pulls Billy against his chest. Billy crumbles against him, sobbing. "Why won't it stop? No matter how hard I try. It just gets worse. I try so hard, but it just wont go away." He rambles on and on while Jim strokes his back.

"We're going to get you some help."

Billy snapped the rubber band against his wrist in Hopper's car. He was going to see a specialist in his condition. He had recently been diagnosed with OCD, and the past few months out of the hospital were starting to make sense.

The thoughts that were plaguing him all the time. All the weird things he did to make them go away. His inability to feed himself. The way that digging his finger nails into his skin felt good and bad at the same time.

Hopper pulled into the parking lot.

"You ready, kid?"

Billy took a deep breath.

"Yeah."

[hinamie]

trick or treat!

[mamawasatesttube]

BTW... PSA.... even if we arent mutuals if youre in my notes regularly theres a Very high chance i am still fond of you. yes im vaguing someones tags on the compliment the person u rbed this from post. but like. positive vaguing? THE POINT IS im weird abt following ppl but IM STILL SENDING U FOND VIBES...

[johnnyspells]

"So all cholesterol is good. Change is absolutely necessary. And whatever you said about hot lady summer, it sounded like you kind of had it figured out."

[cherryfennec]

Summer Times

Hi! I'm finally back from my two week abroad trip!

[cozylittleartblog]

Columbo and the Knight (1984)

put me in the universe where Columbo ran through the 1980s and had a crossover episode with Knight Rider. I think they deserved it, and I am not just saying that because they're my two favorite Old Shows. @telebeast wrote a little fanfic blurb about it and I HAD to visualize it into a comic (which is also the longest comic I have finished thus far at five pages...), so writing credit goes to them.

Autism W!

[bulbabutt]

rise leo does know whats going on with his brothers, dont you worry

previous part | all comics in this crossover (chrono) | tip jar (kofi)

[floweroflaurelin]

BigB is making me lose my mind.

—

My buddy @salemoleander made a post going over all the weird stuff with BigB’s unusual Secret and it got my mind racing. The red icon... The isolating, grindy, antisocial task... The strange phrasing… Makes you think 👀

(Even if it turns out to be nothing I WILL be headcanoning lore about it hehehe)

[heartorbit]

the narcissist fools himself

[starrysharks]

nother adopt! DM to purchase 🍎🪱

[amelia-yap]

warrior

[circusballoon]

Hi I have big feelings about these two.

[hinamie]

off on an adventure ! this au turns 1 week old today

jjk atla!au with @philosophiums

pose ref [x]

[obsob]

the accolade ( the...the cat-olade...)

[cinnamnt]

watching one of hal’s bad animes probably

[ask-the-pioneer]

you're a good kiddo