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#and my response feels not good enough either ;_;
lovelookspretty · 2 days
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lover of mine
drew starkey x actress!reader au
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— in which drew and y/n, secretly exes, must fake date in order to keep the peace at a mutual friend’s wedding, but the forced proximity makes them question whether they ever truly moved on.
warnings: FLASHBACK TIME !!!!!
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authors note: guys ive lowkey been picturing things as i would direct them in a film or music video so 😭 if my writing angle feels off then thats why. but i hoped u enjoyed anyway !! if u still arent on the tag list, feel free to let me know thru replies, anons, or dms !! notifications are always on <33
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you stepped out of the sleek black car, your heels clicking against the pavement as you’re greeted by a wall of flashing lights and the low hum of the press. the red carpet at the love, simon premiere was buzzing with excitement, packed with celebrities and industry professionals.
this wasn’t your first time walking a carpet, but it was different tonight—there was something in the air, an energy you couldn’t quite place, but it felt like just another event to get through.
you paused in front of the photographers, striking a few effortless poses. to everyone else, you looked like you were in your element—smiling, waving, and giving the cameras exactly what they wanted.
but inside, you were already thinking about when you could leave. you were there because the director was an old colleague from your recent work on tempest, your breakout role. it was your agent’s idea to make an appearance, to be seen and keep your name in the buzz, but you hadn’t really planned to stay long. just the premiere, maybe the afterparty, and then home.
as you moved down the carpet, a journalist caught your attention. “y/n, over here! a quick word?”
you nodded, stepping toward the microphone with a gracious smile. the flashing bulbs intensified as you answered questions about your latest projects, your outfit for the night, and how excited you were to see the film.
“you’ve been busy with tempest—how’s that going?” one interviewer asked.
you offered a polite smile. “it’s been great. we’re still filming season two, so it’s been pretty nonstop, but i’m thrilled to be here tonight to support this movie. i’ve heard such good things about love, simon.”
you kept your responses short but engaging, giving just enough without going too deep. after a few more quick exchanges, you excused yourself, nodding to your team as you made your way inside.
the grand theater lobby was filled with more celebrities and industry insiders, everyone dressed to the nines and mingling, but you were already scanning the room for a drink. maybe a glass of champagne woule make the night pass quicker.
your mind was preoccupied, already drifting toward the idea of heading inside early, when you felt yourself bump into someone. you glanced up, ready to offer a quick apology, but the words froze in your throat the second your eyes locked with his.
he was tall—taller than you expected—with broad shoulders, and his hair was just slightly tousled like he’d been running his hands through it all night. he’s startled at first, like he wasn’t paying attention either, but the moment his gaze met yours, there’s a flicker of something you couldn’t quite place. maybe recognition. maybe awe.
his lips parted slightly, as if he’s about to say something, but he didn’t. instead, he just stared, clearly a little stunned. for a second, you felt like the noise of the room faded into the background, like it was just the two of you standing there.
“sorry about that,” you said first, stepping aside to give him room, your voice casual despite the strange pull you felt from his gaze.
he blinked, shaking his head quickly. “no, no, it’s my fault. wasn’t paying attention.” he rubbed the back of his neck, clearly flustered, and then finally added, “i’m drew, by the way. starkey— drew starkey.”
there was something familiar about the name, but it didn’f immediately click. “nice to meet you, drew,” you replied with a small smile. you glanced past him, ready to move on, but he didn’t make it easy. he was still looking at you, like he was trying to memorize your face, like he’d just seen something—someone—he didn’t want to forget.
“you’re—” he began, but then cut himself off, a little embarrassed. “i mean, i know who you are.”
you raised an eyebrow, curious now. “oh yeah?”
he nodded quickly. “yeah, you’re amazing on tempest. my sisters are obsessed with the show, but i started watching it, too, and— yeah, you’re great.”
his words tumbled out fast and you couldn’t help but be a little charmed by how genuine he sounded. he wasn’t smooth like some of the other people you’d met that night—he wasn’t trying to impress you with industry talk or big names. he was just . . . honest.
“well, thank you,” you said, feeling your cheeks warm a little. “that means a lot.”
there was a brief pause, and you could see him struggling for what to say next. the thing was, it wasn’t awkward—it was kind of endearing. finally, he let out a nervous laugh, rubbing the back of his neck again. “sorry, i didn’t mean to fangirl or anything.”
you laughed softly, shaking your head. “don’t worry, you’re fine.”
he was still standing there, not moving away, and for some reason, you didn’t feel like walking off either. maybe it was the way he was looking at you, like he couldn’t believe he was even talking to you. it’s a look you’d seen before, but it felt different coming from him. there’s no agenda behind it. just . . . admiration.
“so,” you started, trying to keep the conversation going, “what brings you to the premiere?”
he blinked, like he’d forgotten why he was even there. “oh, uh, i’m actually in the movie.”
and that was when it clicked. drew starkey. you heard the name before, seen it in casting lists, but seeing him in person, you hadn’t put it together until now.
“right,” you said, nodding slowly. “that’s why you looked familiar.”
he chuckled softly, but there was still that slight blush on his cheeks. “yeah, that’s me.”
the conversation flowed a little easier after that. you asked him about the movie, and he asked you more about tempest, genuinely interested in your work, not just going through the motions like so many others do at those events. he was funny, too, in a shy, unassuming way that caught you off guard.
as the crowd around you thickened, his eyes never left yours, like he was completely captivated. you weren’t sure how long you stood there talking, but it was long enough for you to forget about slipping out early.
and then, before you knew it, the lights were dimming, signaling that the movie was about to start. he glanced toward the theater doors, then back at you, almost hesitant.
“well, i guess we should head in,” he said, sounding a little disappointed that your conversation was being cut short.
“yeah,” you agreed, though part of you didn’t want the night to end either. as you both moved toward the entrance, something pulled at you to say more, to affirm the spark that had ignited between you. you abruptly stopped in your tracks. he turned to face you, curiosity sparking in his eyes.
“i’ll catch you at the afterparty?” you told him, your voice light and teasing. you watched his face break into a genuine smile, the kind that made his entire demeanor shift from nervous to gleeful.
with that, you turned and headed toward the theater doors, the buzz of chatter and laughter enveloping you. you could feel drew’s gaze lingering on you as you walked away.
you knew you weren’t on the cast so it would have been unexpected if you showed up. but you knew that he’d be there.
as you navigated through the crowd, you couldn’t help but glance back one last time, and in that instant, you caught drew watching you, his expression soft and hopeful. a faint smile tugged at your lips, and finally, you disappeared into the crowds of guests entering the theater, but the memory of his gaze stayed with you.
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the afterparty was a vibrant swirl of lights and laughter, complete opposite to the behavior of the premiere just hours ago. you stood with leila, theo, and gia, the four of you navigating the home.
after a few minutes, you spotted him across the room, laughter dancing in his eyes as he talked to a small group. you excused yourself from your own conversation, weaving through the crowd until you found yourself standing beside him.
and soon, time seemed to slip away as you both dived into deeper conversations about your lives, your careers, and the dreams you’d harbored since childhood. drew opened up about his recent experiences filming, and you found yourself sharing the struggles and triumphs of your own journey in the film industry. every moment spent together felt natural, as if you’d known each other for much longer than just a few hours.
by the end of the night, the party winder down and guests began to trickle out. you exchanged numbers, both of you eager to see each other again. and you did. time and time again.
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you paced around your apartment as you gestured animatedly. throwing your hands in the air, your eyes widened with passion, as if you were trying to grasp an idea that was just out of reach. drew leaned back against the counter, arms crossed, watching you intently with a soft smile playing on his lips.
“i just wanna have some time to go out there and have some fun,” you were telling him, “be there in the moment, explore la. not with any paparazzi there to demand photos of me or take them when i have my guard down. just me and the city.”
as you spoke, your gaze shifted toward the window, where the sun peeked through the window across your living room. you imagined yourself outside, feeling the sun on your skin, surrounded by the pulse of los angeles.
spinning around quickly, your face lit up like you’d just had a revelation. “like starstruck!”
“starstruck?” drew echoed as he squinted his eyes, trying to grasp your idea.
“yeah, you know that one movie on disney? christopher and jessica are running around los angeles in that one scene—” you continued.
“—before they get their car caught in that mud and christopher ditches her at the beach,” he interjected with furrowed brows, knowing full well how the scene played out.
you stopped abruptly, narrowing your eyes at him. you tilted your head, “you wouldn’t ditch me, would you, star?”
drew shook his head, “no way.”
satisfied with his answer, your expression brightened again, and you nodded vigorously. “good. then come on.”
you grabbed your keys from the table and practically dragged him out of your apartment. the door clicked shut behind you, and you led the way down the corridor.
as you made your way into the parking garage, your laughter rung out, echoing off the concrete walls. when you reached your car, you slid in and grabbed your sunglasses from its compartment to slide them on.
drew chuckled as he put his seatbelt on, shaking his head in disbelief. “you really have a plan for everything, don’t you?”
“only when it comes to having fun,” you replied, your grin widening as you pulled the hood of his sweatshirt over his head to shield his face. “don’t worry, they’ll never see us coming,” you assured him, your laughter infectious as you started the engine and pulled out of the parking garage.
and over the course of a year, you and drew became inseparable. what started as stolen moments during movie premieres and secret hangouts morphed into a deep, unshakeable friendship.
laughter echoed in your shared memories—late-night talks sprawled on the floor of your apartment, spontaneous adventures through the streets of los angeles, and lazy mornings spent in bed, wrapped up in each other's warmth.
as the seasons shifted, so did the nature of your connection. the boundaries blurred, and your heart raced at the thought of what could be. but you both chose to keep it light, enjoying each moment without the weight of labels.
then one evening, everything changed. it was a night like any other. the winter air was crisp as you and drew strolled through the twinkling streets of los angeles. you were coming back from a cozy evening out, the laughter still lingering between you as you recounted the highlights of the night.
as you walked, the sound of distant pops drawed your attention. you paused mid-sentence, eyes widening as bursts of color lit up the night sky. fireworks!
the brilliant reds, blues, whites, and purples filled the air. a smile spread across your face as you turned to him, the shared excitement pulling you closer together.
“this is so cute,” you said, leaning into drew’s side to admire the display. you were momentarily lost in the beauty, the chaos of colors exploding above you like confetti.
but then you spotted something in the midst of the fireworks—words began to form in the night sky, each letter crafted from the brilliant light.
‘will you be my girlfriend?’ the phrase appeared among the colors, messy yet somehow legible.
you read it, confusion washing over you at first. someone was asking someone else through fireworks? but as you turned to drew, you noticed his gaze, expectant and hopeful. the realization quickly sunk in.
your mouth gaped open in shock, your heart pounding as you processed what was happening. you looked back up at the sky, needing to confirm that this moment was real, that the words were genuinely meant for you.
but you turned back to drew, and without thinking, you nodded. before you knee it, you were jumping into his arms, wrapping your arms around his neck, and holding him tightly. he caught you effortlessly, and you could feel his warmth seep into you as he hugged you back, pulling you close.
you could feel the happiness reflected there, and for the first time, it felt official—no more questions, no more uncertainty. you were exactly where you wanted to be.
and just two years later, you and drew found yourselves on the set of hellraiser, a project neither of you anticipated becoming a part of when you first met. it’s actually funny how it all unfolded.
initially, you weren’t even considering taking the role. after all, you were still knee-deep in filming tempest. the thought of juggling both projects seemed overwhelming, and you were ready to prioritize your current work over anything new.
when drew secured his role in some film, he kept the details to himself, not wanting to distract you from your current commitments. he didn’t mention the movie by name, and you didn’t press him for details; you respected his space and didn’t want to add to your own frustration about whether to accept the new opportunity.
“you should really consider it,” he urged, his voice filled with genuine belief in your talent. “this could be a great chance for you, babe, and imagine how much fun you could have! you’re almost done finishing tempest this month. after that, you’ll have plenty of time for your new project.”
you weighed his words, feeling torn. you loved the idea of the role, but the reality of juggling two major projects felt daunting.
yet, after a long talk about chasing new opportunities and taking risks, you found yourself swayed by his excitement and your own desire for growth. finally, you decided to go for it, officially signing on for the project.
what you didn’t realize, until the casting announcements were made, was that you and drew would be filming in the same movie. when you heard the news, you actually went insane. you felt like the universe was rewarding you for taking that leap of faith. the two of you would not only be working together but doing so on a film that promised to be both challenging and thrilling.
as filming began, the reality of being on set with drew hit you both like a wave. the two of you were navigating the intricate dance of being both co-stars and romantic partners, which brought its own set of challenges.
you found joy in the little things—the shared lunches, the whispered jokes during scenes, and the late-night talks about the original film. every day, you felt grateful to have him by your side, knowing that while the world outside the set may have been chaotic, your little bubble was filled with warmth, support, and your boyfriend. not everyone was able to be in your position.
but it wasn’t the same anymore. at least a year later. you were in another city, staying in yet another hotel room, the kind where the silence hung heavy in the air, almost suffocating. the glow of the city lights outside filtered through the curtains, casting a soft haze over everything.
you rested your back against the cool surface of the wall as you stared out into the city through the window. it was strange—the city was vibrant, loud, yet all you felt was isolation. your reflection stared back at you, tired eyes searching for something, anything, to hold on to.
you let yourself imagine drew standing beside you, his arm slipping around your waist, the warmth of his presence easing the ache that had settled deep inside.
but it was just a fantasy. he wasn’t there. not really. not the way you needed him to be.
he was somewhere else, in another city, on another set. networking. working. living his own life. you both were—careers that had taken off in opposite directions, always moving, always busy, always apart. your schedules were like puzzle pieces that didn’t quite fit together anymore, no matter how hard you tried to force them.
sometimes he would surprise you, show up in whatever city you were in, standing at your door with that smile that used to make your heart race. but even then, it wasn’t enough. when he was there, it felt like you were lying next to a stranger, like everything you shared before felt like a distant memory.
your mind wandered as you stared out the window, trying to remember what it used to be like. the way you used to laugh together, the way he used to look at you like you were the only person in the world. but those moments felt so far away now, like they belonged to another lifetime. your careers were taking off, yes, but your relationship was falling apart.
you tried everything to get him to spend more time with you. it wasn’t just the long phone calls or the quiet hopes you'd whisper when he promised he’d visit, but you actually took action.
you started reaching out to his manager, a move that felt so cold, so far removed from the days when it was just you and him figuring things out together. now, it was emails and calls, hoping to align your schedules like some kind of business transaction.
you’d ask if there was a window, any gap at all, where you could see each other, trying to make sense of his packed days and your own commitments. it felt impersonal, like you were just another appointment penciled into his calendar, waiting to be confirmed.
there were weeks when you’d sit down with your team, trying to move things around, freeing up your time in the hope that his manager would find a slot that worked. you bent over backward, squeezing your own projects tighter so maybe, just maybe, you’d have a few days together. but it always ended the same.
another ‘maybe next time’ or a polite suggestion from his side to ‘keep him updated’—as if he wasn’t even aware of how much you were trying to hold everything together.
what shattered you was seeing him with his costars. scrolling through social media and seeing him hanging out with them after long days on set. grabbing dinner with them, laughing with them, being the drew you used to know—but never like that with you anymore.
he made time for them, he’d pay them visits, go out for drinks, be himself. but not with you. why not with you?
you couldn’t understand it. and that was the worst part. you weren’t jealous of his work or his friends, but it hurt seeing him give them what you so desperately wanted. time. effort. attention. those small moments of connection.
you tried bringing other people into the mix, hoping it would be less pressure for him. leila and theo became your go-to when you were feeling desperate. you’d invite them out, framing it like a casual group hang, knowing that maybe if drew wasn’t faced with just you, he’d be more likely to show up.
you thought maybe he'd feel less cornered, less pressured. and so you'd reach out, asking leila to join you and casually suggesting that maybe drew could come along too. a movie, dinner, anything. you tried to make it seem easy, no big deal.
but he never gave a direct answer. it was always a dance—drew would respond with something vague, something about being busy, or how he’d love to but he wasn’t sure, and he’d get back to you. he’d redirect the conversation, shifting topics before you even realized what had happened. it wasn’t malicious, but it left you feeling hollow, like he wasn’t even aware of how long he’d been doing it, how much he’d been dodging your efforts to pull him closer.
and you couldn’t help but feel bad, feel like you were trying so hard for someone who wasn’t even putting in half as much as you were. it wasn’t like he didn’t care—he was just so wrapped up in his own world, his work, that he didn’t see how hard you were fighting to keep your relationship alive.
you were trying to reach him, but it felt like he was always just out of reach, just beyond the point where you could hold on.
it wasn’t anger you felt toward him, but this deep, aching sadness. because no matter what you tried, it felt like you were the only one trying at all—did he even like you anymore?
and then suddenly, it snapped.
like a taut string pulled too tight for too long, it finally gave way. all the moments you fought so hard for, the endless nights spent hoping, came crashing down in an instant. his words weren’t loud or angry; they were quiet, almost too calm. it was like the end had been sitting between you both for months, waiting to be spoken into existence.
“what?”
your voice was small, a cracked whisper filled with disbelief. you’d heard him—of course, you’d heard him—but it felt so unreal. your heart ached, like it was physically breaking apart, but your mind couldn’t fully process it. it felt like you were standing outside of yourself, watching this unfold, wondering if this was really happening.
“why?” you managed, your voice barely holding together as your eyes searched his face for something, anything that would make sense of this. you saw his regret, the sadness behind his eyes, but there was no answer that would make this hurt any less. his lips parted like he wanted to explain, but there were no words to fix this.
he reached for you, like he thought he could make it better somehow, but you took a step back, your hand instinctively wiping away the tear you didn’t even realize had fallen.
all the effort, all the time you had spent trying to make things work, fighting for what you thought was love—it felt like it had all been wasted. your chest tightened as you stared at him, the silence between you thick and unbearable.
“get away from me,” you whispered, your voice stronger now, though your heart was shattering inside. you waved him off, refusing to let him touch you, refusing to let him see you break any more than you already had.
he hesitated, his hands dropping to his sides as the distance between you widened, both physically and emotionally. it wasn’t just the breakup that hurt—it was everything. all the time you’d given, all the compromises, all the moments you’d spent wishing for more.
you turned around, not wanting him to see the fresh tears that blurred your vision, not wanting him to see how deeply this cut. it wasn’t just about losing him; it was about losing the version of yourself that had believed, that had hoped for something different. something better.
“good luck on everything, drew.”
the words left your mouth before you could stop them, bitter and sharp. it felt like a punch to your own chest, but you had to say it. you had to remind yourself that maybe his career was the priority now, not you. and you needed to remind him of that, too.
even as your throat tightened, and your body threatened to break down entirely, you forced yourself to keep walking.
you didn’t look back. not when the tears started falling faster, not when your hands shook as you unlocked your car door, not even when you could feel his eyes on you, burning into your back like a weight you didn’t want to carry anymore.
the sobs finally broke free once you were inside, gripping the steering wheel so hard your knuckles turned white. he didn’t chase after you, didn’t say another word. he just watched you leave, and that somehow hurt more than anything else.
as you drove away, tears streaming down your face, the weight of it all finally settled in. you didn’t want to hear his excuses, didn’t want to hear whatever reason he thought justified this. you just wanted to go home, to get away from the pain that now felt too familiar, and to leave behind the pieces of your heart that had shattered at his feet.
and just like that, the year of silence between you began.
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Right so, I currently feel a very strong urge to cut open my stomach like Chef Hong, but let's put that aside for now and focus on all the new evidence that Peaceful Property is very much gay, actually:
(somehow in light of the end of this episode all of this feels so shallow but well, I got this far, I'm not giving up now)
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Peach is wearing THE shirt. The infamous "more than friends less than lovers" shirt.
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And as is usually the case when this shirt appears, it perfectly describes the current state of Peach and Home's relationship.
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I'm not really attentive enough to analyse colours in these shows, but even I noticed that Home's shirt is pretty blue at the beginning of this episode
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Looks like both of them are (not so) subtly expressing their feelings through their clothes this week
3
We didn't really get confirmation either way about Peach's relationship with Best. Though judging by this little interaction between them, if there was something between them, it was probably initiated by Best. He's full-body reaching more than half-way across the frame, trying to get Peach to fistbump him while Peach only half-heartedly raises his fist towards Best's a little. (I admit I might be somewhat biased against him because of Pangpang, but I almost get the vibe that he kinda tried to get close to Peach to siphon off some of Chef Hong's attention. So he was using him from the beginning, first for his cooking skills then for his exorcism skills. But tbf it might have also just been innocent excitement.)
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Anyway look at Chef Hong frowning at their interaction. She knows this is not the right man for her son favourite student.
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Home, deepely and sincerely, wants to help Peach.
As soon as he finds out about Peach's trauma his first priority becomes helping him, not selling the property and not exorcising the ghost.
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He even goes all alone to meet the ghost of Chef Hong and asks her to help Peach.
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This is kind of a parallel to the second episode where Home went to confront Rak alone (with Suradech and Kan) after Peach refused to help him anymore. Except this time he actually goes alone and instead of asking the ghost to leave so he can make some more money, he sincerely asks her to help Peach. Character growth. But also. Doing it for the guy he likes. And this is why he gets the mother in law approval and not Best.
But helping someone is not always easy, so:
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This is the face of a man who's desperate to help the person he loves even if that person doesn't think he can be helped. And he's willing to play the bad guy to get him that help.
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It so clearly hurts him to talk to Peach that way but he doesn't know what else to do.
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And Peach is also hurt because he thought that he and Home had gotten close enough that Home would care about his wellbeing more than making money. And he's right, too because Home IS actually doing this FOR his wellbeing and NOT for money. Peach just doesn't know that, yet.
(Quick aside about Peach: Shouting at someone while clutching their shirt. That's 'I love you so please understand me' level of fighting)
Classic tragic romance shit (in preparation for later things to come?). Especially with their next conversation happening through a glass pane. (Star Trek anyone? and many more that I can't think of right now)
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And Home gives him hope. Hope that maybe his mentor didn't kill herself, hat maybe he's not responsible for her death. And with that he gives him the strength to face his fear. Good (not yet) boyfriend.
5
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It's love, your honor!
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He litterally takes over the job of taking care of Peach from Peach's mother figure
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and then holds him while he breaks down. And not only does he hold him, he PULLS HIM IN so Peach can cry into his shoulder.
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And Peach lets himself fall apart in Home's embrace, to let out all of the grief and guilt he had been carrying mixed with the relief of realising it wasn't his fault she died, and she never blamed him for any of it.
(I know I've said it before but man, Tay and New are really blowing this out of the water. They're just so good. Everything about this show is just sooooooo good.)
6
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Is that jealousy I smell, Peach?
Don't worry. Home has already admitted that he's flirting with Kan as a bit not with any real intention. The real is reserved for you.
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He fully plans to give it to Peach, doesn't he? Simp.
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Between all the real talk, raw emotions and vulnerability, they're right back to bickering and teasing each other.
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Now there's a classic BL trope. (And also again a callback to Chef Hong taking care of Peach, making it even more meaningful.)
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Its LOVE, your honor!!!
But seriously:
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Peach has fully fallen in love with Home at this point. And how could he not, after Home fully proved his kindness and selflessness and care for Peach this week. Peach had already started to really trust and be comfortable around Home last episode, but with this he's fully brought down Peach's walls. (too bad it's going to end up hurting them both soon)
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And Home knows it, too. Speaking it out while also giving the plausible deniability of a joke. And note how Peach denies on behalf of Kan but not of himself.
They're inching their way towards each other, neither of them willing to say it without beating around the bush but both of them fully aware of what's happening between them. (too bad there's a big storm coming for them that's going to wreck this puppy love bliss)
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And this, ladies and gentlemen and everyone in between and beyond,
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is the face of realisation that you did irreconcilable harm to the man you love and you didn't even know it. That the man you love just said a most sincere and heartfelt "Thank you" to his killer. To you. That all your newfound happieness is about to come crashing down around you and it's all your fault.
Seeing them be happy and flirty in the credit scene hurt. Because how long will they still have this? And either way, any blissful moment from now on is going to feel hollow for Home. And Kan knows, too. Will Pangpang find out before Peach? Will Home get to tell Peach himself or will Peach have to find out from someone else?
Major angst is incoming and honestly? That's pretty gay. Silver lining and all that, I guess.
Anyway I don't want to leave us off at a complete downer so have a quick
Lesbian Corner
The focus was very much on Peach this episode and Kan was mostly off doing her own thing so there's not much but there is this:
Pangpang felt quite betrayed when Kan didn't take her side against Home. She's clearly aware that they should hook team up seeing as the boys are busy with each other.
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Don't worry girl, you'll get there eventually.
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thevioletcaptain · 1 year
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if you as a fic reader ever become possessed by the urge to do a popularity bracket with the fics other people wrote and shared for fun and for free, consider:
don't ❤️ 
#just!!!! make a rec list!!!!!!!!!#popularity contests do nothing but drive writers out of fandoms by pitting people against their friends#and invariably result in people being assholes in the comments as if the people who wrote the fic can't see it#like ''oh clearly fic x is better than fic y''#or ''why is fic c even in this poll?''#nobody gains anything by you doing a bracket to see which fic is the ''most popular''#a stat which could be found more easily & less cruelly by simply hitting the sort by bookmarks/kudos button on ao3#anyway ugh. i saw that one of my fics was being pitted against one of my friend's fics in this bracket that's going around#and i have no idea who is ''winning'' because i refuse to look. but either way it's gonna feel bad!!!#because i want my friend to get his flowers so i want him to win!!! but i also would like to know that people like my fic!!!!#so it's just a lose/lose situation even though i generally don't give a shit about numbers#but this turns it into a schoolyard popularity thing#and the emotional response to having people *vote* on if your work is *better or worse* than other fic is hard to ignore#cannot reiterate enough JUST MAKE A REC LIST#or if you absolutely must do a bracket like this do it in a private chat server or something#don't create a public forum for people to pass value judgements where the authors can see it#and feel bad if they get told their fic is ''worse'' than someone elses#but also feel bad if they get told theirs is ''better'' because it came at the cost of telling another author they weren't good enough#ANYWAY i still feel sick with a super sore throat and a headache & am probably extra cranky because of it#(still testing negative thankfully so it's probably just weather/allergen related)#gonna go make some tea and prep the fic updates i want to post today#cass says things#fandom problems#wank adjacent
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wildstar25 · 6 months
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What physical part(s) of Arsay does her partners find the most attractive! Is it the same for all partners or does it differ between them?
(also optional bonus ask of what part(s) of/about Arsay generally do they love the most, physical or not!)
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Meanwhile, if you were to ask the same of Arsay:
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#ffxiv#wolship#g'raha tia#y'shtola rhul#wolgraha#wolshtola#y'shtola x wol#arsay nun#graharshtola#y'shtola calling arsay a pain in her side is very much an affectionate thing btw#and i couldnt pass up the joke of g'raha giving the sweet gentlemanly response only for yshtola to be like 'tits tbh'#her defaulting to an answer that would probably stop the conversation before she has to talk to much about her deeper feelings imo#i have. a lot of feelings about yshtola and arsay's friendship#someone who is constantly trying to build walls between herself and others vs someone who desperately wants to form real connections#its not a 'wearing that person down' type situation either#just one lonely person seeing another lonely person and hoping that they could be less lonely together#or that she could at least bring some cheer to#and idk yshtola strikes me as the type to have been like 'if they want to be my friend they have to work for it'#which arsay certainly did#i could ramble on and on how their friendship lines up so well with yshtolas character development but theres a limit to these tags#so just look at how cute shtola is with the slightest blush on her cheeks#graha is a much more complicated topic since he went from Extreme adoration to I want to be her friend but I dont think im good enough#to 100% Hero worship again to Shes my hero and I love her to Shes a person and I love her#to I love Arsay. Even the parts she can't love in herself. I will love all of her till my dying breath.#he thinks shes the most beautiful person in the world and the most important thing in his life#but he now knows how insane she's been about being everyone's hero and he really doesnt want to feed that beast#so hes trying to build her up in other ways#focusing more on the adventuring side than the saving the world side#and then there is arsay who loves so much about her partners and is in capable of narrowing it down to any one thing so its#'here let me list everything that comes to mind right now' with 0 shame or filter
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thebirdandhersong · 10 months
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am I simply............. to be an educational pit stop and temporarily necessary mental/emotional/spiritual support for the men I love for all time?? like yes the two boys I've loved in my life I DID love with all my heart however the first only started reading the Bible regularly and investing in his church community after I broke up with him (these were things I kept suggesting while we dated, but which he brushed off and didn't take seriously) and now it's looking like I am an emotional bookmark for the second. like I'm in between one page of his life and the next, and am helping him process and am teaching him how to deal with his emotions properly, but what I'm doing for him is literally all that I will be to him, and he likely won't remember me when I move out of the dorm and graduate.
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softshuji · 10 months
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eldest daughter syndrome really do be kicking my ass tbh
#i just find it like so unfair yknow#im the only one who works in myhouse and full time#but i come home and the house isnt clean and i tidy up and sort everything out and tidy the kitchen anf living room after dinner and put#my sister to bed and yk if there was no one else to do these things id understand but#i have 5 brothers all of whom are adults and they dont lift a finger#its not as if any of them work bec they dont and neither does my dad#and im so so so exhausted yk? bec not everything is my job or responsibility#and i keep blaming other things for me getting sick but yknow what maybe i just dont rest enough#and the other day i was upset bec i'd had a tough day at work and i felt unwell and i cleaned up everything after dinner and my brother#said i didnt have a right to be upset bec i “chose” this. like as if i chose to work full time nd do all the chores for a family of 9#and it just really upsets me bec no one sees an issue with it and im so mad at my mom at rhe same time#constant therapy sessions w her bec shes mad at my dad and wants someone to vent at and then he does the same abt her and my brothers#and im so tired yknow just sososos tired bec she'll complain abt how they dont do anything but then she wont ensure they do either#its just empty complaints whereas she thrust responsibility on me when i was 9 and yet my brothers are 18+ - all but one that is and they#cant even do their own laundry bec she just..... did everything for them all the time but now is mad that they cant do anything.#like yes i know my dad is a failure of a husband and a father i expected that i'll never be a good enough daughter for him and that the onl#thing he has to say about me is that im bringing shame on our family despite everything ive done but come on#im just tired and upset#its hard not to see yourself as a robot or machine when theres little room to be anything else.#and even on a day like today when i dont feel well it never stops and i just keep doing#im sad i want a hug from my gangster bf#oh god i am sorry pls do not perceive me for this#and yk what#thats why i cant stand when people are nice to me bec all i can think of is#i havent done anything to deserve this? i should have to give something in return#or if not#theres something this person must want because why else would they be nice to me when i havent done anything for them#i cannot fathom the concept that someone just wants me because its me#its literally just not possible why would anyone fo that for me
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one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else
#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more#I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s#the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything#that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da#lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how#get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to#and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not#be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much#of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so.#literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in#bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it#into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it#but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted#any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself#not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha#usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day#because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere#I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s#just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway#this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this#bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school#vent tw#yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely#disability#chronically ill#i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho#i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to#anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse#I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours#I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework
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senzasord · 2 months
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jammmbi · 5 months
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god i need therapy and to move out
#aka i need to move out#idk how much longer i can take listening to my parents just say shit and have opinions and then expect me to feel the same way#and when i disagree suddenly i’m siding with the wrong people#when quite literally i’m trying to make you understand that your thoughts are not the only thoughts to be considered#while also trying to validate their feelings but that they’re not communicating at all and are taking it out on ppl#i am so so so tired of being the constant middleman between my family members and ultimately having to hear everyone say shit abt everyone#and expect me to immediately agree or understand#like girlies you can all be wrong and you all are and the fact that you aren’t willing to admit your wrongdoings is your first problem#your second was expecting me to hype you up and encourage your behavior#having to constantly remind myself that it’s not my responsibility to keep the peace or to solve my familial issues#and the one time i tried to explain this it was met with ‘no one’s asking you to’#which is true !!! but then why are ALL OF YOU complaining to me and only me#why are you burdening me with all of this information#and if i tell you i can’t handle it or don’t want to talk about it i’m suddenly the bad guy too#i can’t win here your honor !!! the only solution in which i win is to get OUT#and of course i can’t make anyone say or do or believe anything#i’m not naive enough to think i can#but sitting there silent isn’t helping and speaking doesn’t either and there’s no other good solution#it’s just exhausting
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grymmdark · 5 months
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eaaughhhhh siblings are so hard to have sometimes.....
#grymms spectacular fucking posts#my sister is an incredibly frustrating person to live with#she spends all day either at her computer playing games or in her bed#she has back and knee pain that makes it so she cant bend over plus general chronic pain so she doesn't do a whole lotta chores. which i get#but she also complains about our parents not doing enough to take care of the house. like they both have fulltime jobs and have to take care#of 2 disabled kids. it's not fair to expect that they can also regularly do chores ontop of that#and if she spent her time putting in a bit more of her fair share of housework then I'd be a bitmore understanding but she doesn't do that#much. like i have chronic pain and i go to school 5 days a week and i do more chores than her#and she's an incredibly stubborn and emotional person who will flip out at anything and so i feel like im walking in eggshells talking to he#r#one time i was upset and said that if our parents went to jail for me skipping school I'd just dumpstedive for food and she said she didnt#wanna do that and i said she didnt have to. and she took me saying that as saying i wanted her to starve and didnt talk to me for a month#like if i cant even say something small and stupid when im upset and she's the one whose egging me on by saying stuff while im upset then#what can i even say around her aughhhh#anyways i know that shit like this is why i have a therapist but there's genuinely nothing i can do about this because she is the problem#and she's the one who isn't doing anything and aughhhhhh she makes my life so much harder just by being around#and i love her i want her to get better and move out for her own good but it's so hard to love someone who is nothing but a burden who#refuses to be responsible
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running-in-the-dark · 9 months
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and it just occurred to me that when we move, I might try to find a new therapist. there might be one/a few right in the town we're moving to (I haven't checked), but we'll be really close to a city then. so I could get there regularly (maybe. it's very scary but maybe I can manage it). so. I should probably do that? maybe find someone who'll like.... do more than just accept that I've got social anxiety (because that's what I said when I first saw my previous therapist) and help me figure out the real problem.
#like I mean I. probably have autism or adhd yeah sure. like that's just. I'm just assuming that for now.#but. the thing that really affects me more than anything at this point#is the stupid fucking rules I have to follow because my brain makes them up and I don't have a choice#and the. well everything else that's probably all related to that.#but i don't wanna go there and be like hi I think i might have ocd#because I've been so ashamed of all of this stuff for 20+ years that the thought of talking about it with a person I have to look at and wh#will ask questions about it and then possibly say nope your brain's just really fucked up.#that thought is. so horrifying idk I don't think I could do that#but I struggle with it so much every day that. idk maybe I need to do it anyway? I didn't think I could talk about the social anxiety stuff#either and I did that for years in the end. and it helped a bit.#but idk maybe it's just. pointless? I don't know how to be any other way. I've never not lived like this? I don't remember ever not having#to follow these rules and feeling like I'm disgusting for having bad thoughts and having stupid routines that I have to follow because if I#don't a Bad Thing will happen. but that part got better so maybe it's not that serious anyway and I've just been imagining all of it#because my brain is bad and all of that.#maybe it's fine that I can't touch dirty things and that if I don't tell my husband to drive safe I have to think about him crashing the ca#and it being my fault all day and almost breaking several door handles because I have to check three times if the door is really locked and#it's never enough so it's usually 3x3 times or more. and just.#just. everything I like has to be good and pure and perfect and if it's not and I can't stop myself from liking it anyway I feel disgusting#and guilty and like I'm personally responsible for every bad thing in the world because I just can't be right.#and if I could the bad things would stop#I don't think. that's how people are supposed to think? right? I feel like if everyone spent most of their time thinking about this and#doing everything to make sure they follow these rules then. idk nothing would ever get done? it's just so hard?#but no it's probably just that I'm so bad at handling it and everything is always hard for everyone and no one complains because they're#better at being human.#idk man all I know is this is fucking exhausting and I can't do this for. however many years I'll be alive for. it's been long enough#I'm tired of it#and maybe I shouldn't be on here. maybe it's time to step away again for a while. so much of this messes with my head. I can't handle the#guilt I feel from every stupid post that I saw. oh that's something people argue about? great that's been added to the list of things that#have to feel bad about now.#doesn't matter how much I disagree on a rational level. I don't get to decide. if I know it exists it will bother me. and I can't do it
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bijoumikhawal · 1 year
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Florida's passed a law wanting the death penalty for child sex crimes and now everyone's gonna pat themselves on the back and not enough people are gonna think about how kids are hesitant to report already and this'll just make it worse
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doctor-fancy-pants · 1 year
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Wednesday Words
Good Things Can Come From Mistakes #1
Cell division is a glorious, microscopic ballet.
A dancer’s silhouette is revealed from an artful smoke machine; so too does our genetic material coalesce from the organised chaos of the nucleus into chromosomes.
Diligently, they twin themselves, then separate, pulled to opposite ends of the stage; and then the stage itself splits in two, and you don’t see that shit in Swan Lake.
But the most miraculous part of all this is how much it gets fucked up and you still end up with a human being at the end of it.
Only now you’ve got red hair. You’re welcome.
Good Things Can Come From Mistakes #2
A weed is any plant that grows where you don’t want it to grow. It’s a context-specific term. A mistake is to do something when you intended something else.
An error is a computer telling you to go fuck yourself, because you’re speaking gibberish (as far as the computer is concerned).
What do you get when you combine these things?
Well, I got a sarcastic cyborg plant person, and after 50 magical years of marriage, I don’t regret a single thing.
I have a Wednesday night writing group. We do prompts, and drabbles, and it's a good time. Everyone comes out with something so different! They're short snippets - the drabbles are only supposed to be 100 words (eventually I got there!), a warm-up for the later prompt. I've decided to post my favourites, because why not? This one was more recent, and I got two in the time limit that I liked.
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giantkillerjack · 2 years
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Oh I have consumed too much Christian discourse I need to have gay sex immediately
#it is an ecclesiastical emergency#original#i got more or less the answers i needed and a good deal more i didn't need. it all comes down to faith now.#which is to say faith is rather hard to debate and so i am politely excusing myself now#it was a cult i grew up in too much discourse is bad for the belly#at least the christian kind anyway. i doubt I'd have such a reaction to buddhist discourse but either way all the religions appear to have#the same amount of conclusive evidence. which is to say they are faiths so they don't work on an evidence based system#but the REAL point here is i feel kinda gross now and my immediate instinct is to suck a thousand dicks#boy i really have changed huh#hmmmmmmm#i have limited options because i am very sick but I'll just have to like. suck a dick for the devil later i guess.#dicks....#i tried to take in more of the densely philosophical responses - which to their credit were apparently well made and with good will#but my brain started shutting down and was like i need my tongue to be. in a cunt. NOW.#fuckin A#shitpost#anyway i still think if there is a god then he is a real bastard. which i think is actually what Gnosticism is!#but as interesting as that would be i think there are enough cruel and powerful beings to explain things as is#man i miss sucking cock i need to work on getting healthier just for that. it's not that it's hard to find cock it's that i would rather#something something funny joke than go on grindr again. yipes. not my bag personally
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seventh-district · 1 year
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IT’S FISH DAY IT’S FISH DAY IT’S FISH DAY
#Seven.txt#fish stuff#vibrating with excitement#and also nervous energy and sleep deprivation but it’s fine cause ITS FISH DAY BABEY#i’m sitting outside waiting on them and i /had/ another package with snails coming today as well#and i was typing up a post like ‘let’s see which one gets here first. the snails or the fish?’#cause they’re coming from two different carriers y’know#but the snails literally got here while i was typing that post so uh. the snails won the race lmao#anyways i am exhausted and anxious out of my mind cause the stakes are pretty high with these fish#and i’ve averaged about 4hrs of sleep this week#and you’d know how bad that is if u knew that my depressed ass can easily sleep for 12-16 hrs if i’m allowed to#not that that’s good either but. 4hrs is NOT enough for me friends#i am. running on pure distilled nervous energy rn#but i’m still excited don’t get me wrong. i just hope everything goes well and they aren’t too stressed or beat up from the shipping#wish me well that i don’t fuck things up!!!#i have like. a number of years of experience to fall back on but i am still always learning and i’m nervous every time i get new fish#anyways. the guilt of all the messages and comments i’ve gotten lately that i haven’t replied to is eating me alive :)#and it makes me feel bad for posting things on my socials whenever i have any un-replied to messages#cause i don’t want people to think i’m ignoring them!!! i’m just so busy rn!!! and it’s less effort to type out a lil post like this#versus sitting down and thinking of the good genuine thoughtful responses that i wanna give to people#especially when i like. can’t think straight rn. about anything other than keeping these fish alive#so. that will be my full day today but once things calm down and everyone’s hopefully settled in tomorrow#i can finally start working on replying to everything#okay enough rambling. back to staring at the fields and waiting#at least the weather’s nice. and i’m sitting in the golf cart so i’m in the shade#which is good cause i’m wearing a hoodie over a shirt and long pants#and i’ve got a coffee and music playing. now if i could just chill out everything would be great#but knowing myself I Will Not
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cherrypeaking · 1 year
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good morning baby love~ 🥺🥺🩵 how are you? i hope you slept well!!
this evening is yet another boring one so i don’t have much to talk about, not even in the mundanities of life >< that’s how much nothing went on today but i’m still prepared to hop into your inbox regardless~
i took the world’s worst nap and woke up to do some more job applications, one of them required me to do a whole 30 question test with interview questions and all and i’m pretty sure it broke my brain djshshhs but i hope i get it!! but at the same time i really do value all the free time i have to talk to you 🥺🥺🩵 it feels like i’m a lovesick kid experiencing summer vacation the way i get to talk to you as often as i do 🥺 i’d make time for you no matter what but there’s something about being able to talk with not much getting in the way that makes me so happy 🥺🥺🥺🩵
i keep daydreaming about seeing you and finally being able to hold your hand :(( i want you so badly my love 🥺 i wanna go to mcdonalds with you and take long walks with you also (i just realized that if i come visit you near the end of the year i won’t have to shave my legs i can just wear opaque stockings instead 😌 sounds like a win to me~) i’m yearning for you so much my love 🥺🥺🥺 my heart is all soft right now i wish i could kiss you and hold your pretty face in my hands and squish your cheekies 🥺🩵
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my sweet girl :( i love you so much i love that you’re in my life i love that you’re my beautiful girlfriend and my wifey and my everything 🥺🥺🥺 aaa i just love you so so much 😭😭🩵🩵🩵 have a great day, my love!! i’m always wishing the best for you my dear <3
mommy i’m so sorry it took me so long to reply 😭😭🩷 i slept well but unfortunately today was a busy day i can finally relax but i’ve yet to go home i need to wait two hours and i’ll be going~
aaah it’s okay if it wasn’t an eventful evening :3 i hope you at least got to sleep well 🥺🥺🩷 mommy going to work would make me miss her so much 🥺😭🩷🩷 at the same time i know money is important ;3; 30 questions?? i really don’t know what they must’ve been about but that sounds like a hassle 😭 i hope you get a job you like more i know i say it all the time but it’s really important imo 🥺🩷
i daydream about it too my love… i feel like i’ll be so nervous but also so excited when we meet 🥺🥺🩷 if we met for a txt concert then your dream would come true! (without the twitter drama) 🥺🥺🩷🩵💎 YAYYY mcdonald’s date and long walks at a park >\\\< i want that so much with you mommy 🥹🥹🩷 (if it’s at the end of the year hm 😳😖🩷 you definitely don’t have to shave hehe)
i feel so excited and giddy when i think of kissing you mommy 🥺🥺🩷 it feels like it makes so much sense and feels right to me 🥺🥺🩷
the moodboard is so cute i love the pink theme and their pink hair 🥹🥹🩷 i love being the ning to your tyun <3 i love that you’re in my life so much 🥺🥺 i hope to get to see you soon and we have lots of happy moments together my love 🥺🥺😚🩷🩷🩵
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