#and my other friend. bless her. has bad social anxiety and i worry bringing her was a bad idea

[scalpelsister]

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[amjustagirl]

Chapters: one. ~ two. ~ three. ~ four. ~ five. ~ six. ~ seven. ~ eight.

Word Count: 2.3k

Summary: Being with Miya Atsumu is like chasing a storm - equal parts exhilaration and danger. After all, it’s impossible to tame a storm. 

Masterlist here 

AO3 Link here

‘Y'know, when I asked you to manage 'Tsumu, I never imagined you'd manage him like this.’  Osamu states bluntly, eyebrow raised as Atsumu spends yet another evening seated right by her spot at the till, lobbing playful insults and jokes at her until she snaps at him to ‘shut up for the love of all that is holy and stop disturbing the other customers’ . 

‘Like what?!’ she splutters unconvincingly, her cheeks turning red. 

Osamu gives her a knowing look before he turns away to welcome in another batch of customers. 

Osamu closes the shop on the anniversary of its opening, and throws a small party at a rooftop bar that a friend of his owns. She’s told that her attendance is absolutely mandatory, so even though she has class early next morning, she finds herself with a drink in her hand, staring down at the crowds of downtown Osaka. If she squints, she can see a child pulling her mother to a stop, pointing overhead at the rainbow of neon street lights in awe. 

‘A hundred yen for your thoughts?’ She doesn’t need to turn around to know it’s Atsumu, his lazy drawl far more pronounced than Osamu’s. 

The child in the street below remains rooted to the spot, causing a buildup in the crowd despite her mother’s attempts to pull her away. It makes her think of the first time her parents brought her to visit the city more than a decade ago, and how overwhelmed she felt, surrounded by people and buildings tall enough to touch the sky, so different from her hometown of rolling hills and bamboo groves. 

‘Did you feel sad when you left home?’ she replies with a question of her own. 

‘Nah - was excited, really. Always dreamed of playin’ volleyball in the big leagues, so stayin’ home wasn’t gonna cut it for me, y'know?’ 

‘Heartless. Probably made your mother cry’, she accuses him, and he acknowledges it with a careless laugh. 

‘What about you? Thinkin’ about home?’ he asks, coming to stand beside her, eyes trained on the thin line separating building and sky. 

‘Leaving was necessary’, she responds simply. 

Especially with two older brothers blessed with both brain and brawn, far better suited to inherit her father’s steel forge. But while her father might spend most of the day teaching her brothers how to craft the sharpest knives, his evenings were spent at the kitchen table with her perched on his lap, learning to balance numbers in his account books. And with her schoolteacher mother drilling into her head the importance of an education, moving down to Osaka for an accountancy degree seemed less like a choice and more like an inevitable conclusion. 

He frowns at her silence. ‘Did you get kidnapped by aliens or somethin’? Usually you’d be snappin’ at me, or scolding me, or shouting at me for being a dick – completely undeserved, by the way’.

‘I just seem quiet because you talk too much. Has anyone ever told you that?’ she retorts. But there is no fire in her words, and he only chortles in response. 

They watch in silence as the crowd below them slowly starts to thin out as the dusk fades into night. The cold night air bites through her thin sweater into her skin, and she shivers, unconsciously shifting closer towards Atsumu’s warmth. He shoots her a look that’s halfway between a smile and a smirk as he slides his jacket over her shoulders, and she pretends the flush on her cheeks is from the alcohol in her drink. 

But she can’t help but lean into him, letting herself drown in the heat of his hand on her hip and the storm in his eyes. 

Osamu’s eyes cloud in disapproval when he finds out she and Atsumu are dating. ‘He’d better not run off my accountant, that’s all I can say’. 

‘Osamu! Atsumu’s your twin!’ she scolds, arm deep in a vat of rice water. 

‘Exactly’, he responds with a snort. ‘I’m not sure you realise how much of a dick ‘Tsumu can be, ‘specially when all he’s hungry for is chasing a win. I hope you’re ready to handle that.’ 

‘You’re just worried because you’re too cheap to hire a qualified accountant to do your books’ she grouses and he looks like he’s about to snark back, but the chatter of their first customers of the day entering the shop signals the end of their conversation. 

Dating Atsumu isn’t as bad as Osamu makes it out to be. She’s careful not to ask too much of him when he’s busy with training and competitions, and in any case her schedule is full enough with school and her job, but they make the effort of video calling each other at least twice a week if he’s travelling, and if he’s in town, they spend Friday nights with multiple boxes of pizza (Atsumu’s appetite is enormous) , bickering over what movie to watch next. 

He insists she watch as many games of his as possible, and he spends so much time crowing about his plays that she should be annoyed, but she finds herself charmed by the childlike enthusiasm in his voice. ‘That’s probably why you’re the only one that can stand him’, Osamu comments but she pays him no mind. He’s in the audience cheering for her when she graduates, and takes her out for a fancy meal when she lands her first job ( no, Osamu, working at Onigiri Miya doesn’t count, no matter what you say). 

Their paths might not always converge but when they do, there’s the quiet contentment of finding shelter in each other, and she quickly becomes addicted to the warmth of that feeling in her heart. 

‘Stop being a baby’, she scolds, as she peels back the sports tape on Atsumu’s back with deliberate care. ‘It’s your fault for going for practice with a strained shoulder and not listening to your physiotherapist!’

‘Don’t nag darlin’, I had to – it was Hinata-kun’s first practice with us!’ He’s practically buzzing in his seat with glee, and she can’t help the soft smile that grows on her face. 

‘There - all done’, she says, and she can’t help but run her hand to rest in the dip of his spine.  

‘What would I do without you?’ he asks, shooting her a roguish smile that distracts her long enough that he’s able to pull her into his lap. 

‘Idiot’, she huffs fondly, and he chuckles in reply, the sound warming her heart. ‘Hey ‘Tsumu?’ she says again, pushing his wandering hands away. 

‘You called, doll?’ he quirks an eyebrow at her, hands heavy against her hips. 

‘I love you’, she whispers against the broad expanse of his chest. 

‘I know’, he says with light laughter in his voice, and swallows her outraged cry ‘arsehole!’  by sliding his mouth over hers until her breath starts to stutter and she closes her eyes. 

There is a storm raging outside, but she pays it no mind. 

Her stomach churns when she sees the faint line on the test she bought in a panic during her lunch break, and she now wonders whether the nausea she’s been feeling the past week was not a bug she thought she caught, but actually morning sickness after all. That thought makes her feel like puking her guts out again and she does - unceremoniously every morning for weeks after that. 

Atsumu’s in the middle of a series of matches away from home, and she knows he’s warned her again and again not to distract him especially when the championship is within his team’s reach, but the rising swell of panic in her throat outwrestles any rational thought she has left in her head, so she finds herself blurting it out to him the minute they log on for their twice weekly call. 

‘You’re pregnant?’ he echoes blankly, rubbing a disbelieving hand over his face. ‘How?’ 

‘D’you remember the gala night for the opening of the season when I was on antibiotics for an ear infection?’ He nods dumbly, and she twists her fingers in her lap. ‘Yeah… Well I figure it must have happened then.’ 

The connection of their call crackles, and she strains her ears for his response. It doesn’t come. 

‘Tsumu?’ 

‘Right.’ he finally says. ‘So what are you going to do about it?’

‘I...don’t know,’ she confesses. 

They’re both barely on the cusp of adulthood, and the thought of bringing a new life into the world that she’d be wholly responsible floods her with a tidal wave of fear and dread and anxiety that does not ebb away. She’s not sure her boss will take too kindly to finding out she’s pregnant, much less so out of wedlock, especially since she’s barely a year into her job, and she doesn’t even want to think about the dishonour and shame she’ll bring to her family - though a part of her is willing to brave her father’s disapproval and her mother’s tears just to feel their arms around her again. 

But her hands are drawn to the slight swell of her belly, and perhaps it’s sentiment clouding her mind, she’s not sure she has it within her to stamp out the flicker of life budding within her after nights filled with dreams of a child with her smile and Atsumu’s eyes. 

‘Look - I’ve got to go. We’ll talk when I get home, ok?’ he mutters, logging off before she can say goodbye. 

But he doesn’t - not even when his team wins the championship and she finds out from the team’s social media that he’s returned back to Osaka. 

Her calls go unanswered, her texts remain unread, and with desperation rising in her chest she turns to Osamu - even though she initially swore to herself she wasn’t going to drag him into the messes that Atsumu tends to make. But the laws in Japan require the consent of the father if she wants to get rid of the problem (though it feels wrong to term it like that), and he’s the closest male friend she trusts enough to step up to the plate. 

‘Fuckin’ pig’ he snarls, slamming his fist down on the counter so hard it makes her jump back in shock at seeing the normally mild-mannered Osamu lose his temper and react with such obvious rage. But he calms down quickly to close his shop early and walk her home. 

‘It’ll be fine’, he promises her. ‘You’ll see’. 

She’s not sure she trusts Osamu’s definition of fine, not when Atsumu turns up on her doorstep that same night with a smear of blood under his nose and a purple bruise over his right eye. She stares at him, her arms folded across her chest.

‘What do you have to say for yourself, Miya?’, she says, and he winces at her use of his surname, scratching the back of his head sheepishly.  

‘I freaked out ok? Finding out that you got pregnant - that I’m going to be a  dad  made me panic ‘cos I’m totally not ready for that  shit  - even though Osamu’s right, I’m a piece of crap and you’re probably going through so much worse and I should do right by you -.’

‘Atsumu, what are you even saying?!’ She interrupts, exasperated. 

‘I’m asking you to jump off a cliff with me’, he says, lifting his chin to return her stare.

‘Wha-’ 

‘Marry me.’ He cuts in softly, bringing his hand to cup her face, brushing his thumb across the corner of her lip. ‘It’s gonna be one hell of a ride, but you and I - we’ll get through this together’. 

She’s struck dumb, suddenly reminded of how being with Atsumu is like chasing a storm - equal parts exhilaration and danger. While there’s the thrill of being near enough to witness the sky collapsing into a torrent of rain and hear the wind descend into howls of rage, there’s also the lingering fear that the next flash of lightning might mean pain, or even death. 

But Atsumu’s eyes are clear pools of light, and she can only see  hope  reflected within it. She wonders if it mirrors the hope in her heart too. 

So she says yes, and catches his smile in her hands. 

They hold a small wedding at the Miya family shrine with their respective families as quickly as they can before the swell of her belly is unable to be hidden by the folds of her shiro-muku, the traditional white of her kimono a stark contrast against the black and gold of Atsumu’s montsuki. Her face is hidden under the weight of her headdress and her hands tremble as she clasps her kaiken, a blade her father forged himself, and her mother’s bamboo fan to her belt. She does not breathe until she and Atsumu take their third sip of sake from the nuptial cup. 

Osamu is obviously appointed as the best man, and after the ceremony is over, he slaps Atsumu on the back before pressing a careful kiss to her cheek. ‘You’ve downgraded from being my accountant to my sister’, he tells her, and she has to hide her teary laugh behind her hands. But her heart is full and she throws her arms around his neck until Atsumu clears his throat playfully and she pulls away to greet her family. 

‘Take care of her’, her father says, the threat in his and her brothers’ eyes amplified by their wedding gift to her of their sharpest knives. Atsumu meets their gaze evenly and laughs, unfazed. 

‘I will’, he says, and he kisses her with his promise still on his lips. 

[sisterssafespace]

السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته

recently i’ve been struggling a lot. i was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and bpd not too long ago now. but, i have been struggling so much with bearing it all? i haven’t told my family anything as i’ve told a few close friends. so, i cannot blame my family for the fact i’m very emotionally volatile. even though, i know i’m struggling i keep pushing people away & maybe it’s the embarrassment? the shame? that my anxiety attacks are coming back & they’re more frequent, more painful & so much easier to trigger now. i feel like i have this huge secret that i’m carrying around & it fills me with shame. i know mental health isn’t something to be ashamed of but, in a way i’m the one in my family who can do it all? so, the fact i’m struggling so much that i cry in my room a lot of the time whilst they all are chatting away fills me with sadness? i’ve never been close to my family so, it’s been this way for a long time. i’m very independent but to a fault even when i need help i won’t reach out to anyone. i know i have Allāh swt who will help me through anything & everything. but, i don’t know i feel overwhelmed i feel horrible every moment i’m alone my eyes tear up and i begin to cry because i’m hurting so much. sometimes the world feels so unbearable like i cannot go on any longer but then i remember [2:286]. sometimes, i feel as though i’m not cut of for this world it brings me so much pain & suffering. do not me wrong, i am blessed with so much but in my heart there is a lot of sadness & pain. i feel so weak the days are passing by & with each other my resolve to carry on gets weaker too. i have been referred to therapy & to take some medication but i have no time to go i have no will power to get up & seek treatment. it feels like i’m watching myself slowly wither away with each passing day. i try to make dhikr to distract myself but i end up having an anxiety attack because all i can think about is how i’m a bad muslim. that Allāh swt loves me so much He is putting me through these battles to strengthen me but, i cannot even handle them. i honestly see myself wishing that i could just disappear sometimes. - 🌊

بسم الله الرحمان الرحيم،

قال الله تعالى في سورة القصص :

وَأَوْحَيْنَا إِلَىٰ أُمِّ مُوسَىٰ أَنْ أَرْضِعِيهِ ۖ فَإِذَا خِفْتِ عَلَيْهِ فَأَلْقِيهِ فِي الْيَمِّ وَلَا تَخَافِي وَلَا تَحْزَنِي ۖ إِ��َّا رَادُّوهُ إِلَيْكِ وَجَاعِلُوهُ مِنَ الْمُرْسَلِينَ

We revealed this to Moses' mother: 'Suckle him, but when you fear for him cast him into the water. Neither fear, nor sorrow because We shall restore him to you and make him among the Messengers.'

[ Qur'an 28:7 ]

و عليكم السلام و رحمة الله و بركاته 🌸

My dear sister, I started my answer with an ayah about one of my favorite stories in the Quran that is the story of how Musa (as)'s mother had to let him go as a newborn and throw him into the river (to save his life) because Allah swt told her (inspired her to do) so. This story is also mentioned in surat Ta Ha (20) - the surah that I love to call my anti-anxiety pill - but I chose this ayah from surat Al-Qasas for the precise words that Allah swt orders to Musa's mother :

ولا تخافي و لا تحزني | Do not fear nor sorrow (grieve)

The grammatical structure for these phrases is : Prohibition "النهي" which means that Allah swt orders you against doing that thing, it is not a request, it is not a piece of advice, it is actually stronger than that. It is prohibited that you give into your fear (i.e. anxiety) or fall into sorrow, saddness (i.e. depression). The same structure is used when Allah swt spoke to sayyidah Maryam (Mary as), when she was in labor and she was all alone, scared, confused, in pain, she even wished for death,

فَنَادَاهَا مِنْ تَحْتِهَا أَلَّا تَحْزَنِي

But (a voice) cried to her from beneath the (palm-tree): "Grieve not!"

[Quran 19:24]

I personally support and adapt the tafaseer that explain this as that Allah swt loves, appreciates and cares for the women and the girls of the believers so much that He swt prohibits them to feel sad or anxious. - But we will get back to this later in the answer, in shaa Allah.

Now let's go back to the beginning. I have 3 main ideas, let me bullet them not to forget anything:

1) The diagnosis: You said, my beautiful sister, that you were diagnosed not too long ago, with 3 mental health issues. So I take it a shrink/ psychiatrist diagnosed you. And then what? it is not enough to have a diagnosis, what is more important is to have a plan, i.e. therapy. It is important to identify the issue but it is more important to figure out how to deal with that issue. Sis, you need professional help. That ache in your heart and those worries, those thoughts in your mind they won't just disappear on their own. You need therapy. 🥺🥺. Which brings me to point number 2:

2) Asking for help: There is a story that I heard somewhere, a long time ago, but is so iconic that it stayed with me. One time this man's boat drowned. And he was fighting for his life in the middle of the ocean, and he asked God to save him, after a while a boat passed by and stopped for him, they wanted to rescue him but he said " no I don't need you, I have God, He will save me", so the boat moved on. And the man made duāa again and asked God to rescue him. After another while, another boat approach him, and they wanted to rescue him. Again, he declined and said " I have God, He will save me " so they went away. Eventually, the man got tired and couldn't do it anymore. He drowned. After he died, he asked God why didn't you save me? I was waiting for you to rescue you me.. and God said " who do you think was sending you the boats? " ..

Why am I telling you this story? I feel like you are doing the same as this man.

Sometimes people are a means that Allah swt puts in our way to save us! Yes, you are being all toughened up and 'strong' by trying to retrieve from people - even your own family - and not bother anyone with your issues, but you are actually doing more damage and more harm to yourself and to your loved ones this way. No good ever comes from passively sitting in a corner and isolating ourselves in our pain and suffering, especially to us girls, we are very social creatures who thrive and heal with compassionate, empathy, sharing, co-dependence (not in a negative sense), and solidarity. Half of the problem goes away just by talking about it. We immediately feel so much lighter after we have a good talk/ crying session with someone we love. By isolating yourself and drowning in your misery, you are going against your nature and that only amplifies your pain 💔🥺 So I am begging you, to take a step towards your support system, be it family, a cousin, friends, a teacher, a therapist.. you need help and you can't do this alone. Asking another human being to be there for you never means you trust Allah swt less or that Allah swt is not enough for you! On the contrary, maybe that person is fulfilling a purpose for the sake of Allah swt by being there for you. Allah swt has created us this way, there is no shame in asking for help I promise.

⚠️ ALSO OMG HIGHLY IMPORTANT THERE IS NO SHAME IN HAVING MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE I HAVE TO SAY THIS!

I don't know how much we have to deconstruct, how many walls we have to break down to set ourselves free from all the negative feelings that culture and the patriarchy installed in us since a very tender age, like shame, guilt, self-loathing.. it is A LOT, but we have to. There is no other way around it to free ourselves. And one last thing, my sweet sweet sweet sister, even if you think you can do it all, you can keep it all inside and put on a brave face and go on about your day while there is a battlefield in your head and a fire burning in your heart, you don't have to. Have mercy on yourself. Allah swt would never approve of this, you putting yourself through so much pain by refusing to seek help. And you wonder why your anxiety attacks are back! 💔🥺 which brings me to point 3:

3) Anxiety attacks: Are you sure they are anxiety attacks not panic attacks? How do you identify them? What are your symptoms? And how do you deal with them? How do you cope? See, beautiful sister, this is very very serious! You can't keep going like this and think " oh Allah swt is putting me thru this to make me stronger. " Umm actually, no, Allah swt is not putting you through this. He gave you this at the beginning yes, but He showed you the way, and you stubbornly refused! So now, you are putting yourself through this, my dear, and you do not deserve it!

Please do not take this with a rough note, I am using a very very soft tone, I promise. And also, lots of hugs and caresses 🥺❤️

I want you to promise me that you are going to consider my words, and seriously think of asking for help. For the sake of Allah, for the sake of yourself and your sanity. Remember, you do not own yourself, you do not own your soul, you do not own your body. It is all an amanah that we are responsible for keeping safe and sane until we return to Allah swt, and we are going to be held accountable for what we did with it. Allahu al'mustaān.

Looking forward to getting your updates!

May Allah swt sooth your pain and give you thr courage you need to ask for help. Ameen.

Fi Aman Allah.

- A. Z. 🍃

[cosmic-hearts]

castles in the air | lee donghyuck | three

lee donghyuck x female reader

genre; enemies-to-lovers, friendship, romance, fluff, angst

warnings; none

foreword; in which you might be a real-life princess with a prince promised to you right from the start, but you won’t be getting your happy ever after. 

<< previous chapter | next chapter >>

Over the next couple of dates, it’s like a switch has been flicked in your relationship with Donghyuck. You could finally say with confidence that he’s a friend, and you’re grateful for this time with him; it feels like you’re both catching up on all the lost years. 

Sure, he made fun of you constantly for that obnoxious heart-shaped Prada Odette Heart Bag you always carried around with you for casual dates, and for wearing Dior sneakers on the rare days you weren’t in heels. God, that bag looks like it’s for a twelve-year old. And who the hell wears Dior sneakers? I didn’t even know freaking Dior sold sneakers. You tried explaining to him that it was an AF1xDior collaboration special but that didn’t soften his judgement in any way, so you settled for calling him an uncultured jerk. And there was the time he got gravy on your prized pink bag and you nearly stabbed him with your butter knife.

But there were sweeter times too. When he was feeling generous and perhaps more than a little sentimental, he sang you songs as you two sat on the hood of his car, soaking up the moonlight. These days were rare and therefore exceedingly precious, and though you’d never tell him, you cherished them deeply. His voice whisked you away from this sublunary world, to a place filled with the breath of angels and flights of fancy, a place where you could build castles in the air and wonder what it would be like if what you had with Donghyuck was real. 

You love every second with him. 

That said, you’re already regretting your decision to go with Donghyuck to his senior high prom. Even your coveted Sadek Majed Summer Spring Couture gown (literally woven with all the blessings of spring) isn’t enough to keep anxiety from clawing its way through the perfectly fitted waistline. It might have something to do with the fact that you’ve never actually been to a prom before. 

It doesn’t get any better when you step into his school and all eyes are on you. Perhaps it’s your gown; you had a feeling you’d overdone it this time. You knew it from the moment you got into Donghyuck’s car and his jaw literally dropped. When you asked him what was wrong, he looked away, cleared his throat and gripped the steering wheel unnecessarily hard without bothering to reply. You knew maybe you’d taken it a little too far, but you didn’t think you looked that bad. 

Donghyuck brings you to the auditorium, then promptly abandons you in search of Jaemin. You’d expected as much—Lee Donghyuck may have the voice of an angel, but he most certainly isn’t one. 

You sip your glass of punch, and when you set it down you see someone’s come to sit opposite you. 

“Hi,” she says, eyes curving into crescents, “I think we’ve met before.”

You take a good look at the girl; she’s dressed in a baby blue rafaela dress, obsidian locks tumbling across her shoulders, a sharp contrast to her alabaster complexion. 

“Oh, that’s right,” you say, eyes widening in recognition, “Sohui, right? Donghyuck’s girlfriend?”

“Yup,” she says, “I just wanted to say thank you for that day. When you spoke up for me… I really appreciated it.”

You smile. “It’s no problem. Don’t worry about it.”

Sohui scoots over to sit next to you. “I absolutely love your dress. It’s so pretty.”

“Thanks. I really like yours too.”

Silence ensues for a moment, then she says, “Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something.”

“Sure, what is it?” “It’s about Donghyuck.” 

Your grip on your glass tightens just the slightest. Of course it would be about Donghyuck. 

“I just wanted to ask, when will this whole fake dating thing end? I know I might seem like a really jealous girlfriend right now, but… I’m actually asking for Donghyuck.”

For Donghyuck? “I’m not sure,” you reply truthfully, “but I can try to speed things up. I’m sorry about having to hog him like this; I know it’s not easy for you both.”

Her perfect face almost melts with relief. “Thank you,” she says, “that would be great. Donghyuck’s just been really stressed lately and I’m worried about him.”

“If you don’t mind me asking, why has he been stressed? Did he say something?”

Sohui sighs, her shoulders falling into a slump. “I’m not sure if I should tell you this.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t say anything to him if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“Okay then. I don’t know how to put this any other way, but… it might be because of you.”

And then she tells you. She finally tells you the reason why Donghyuck had spent the majority of his life hating you. 

Your expression never once falters, not even a bit. Not even when Donghyuck returns and you witness his face light up at the sight of his real girlfriend.

You will not falter. 

—

“Hey,” Donghyuck says, his voice filling the silence that had been permeating the car all the way back. “You’re being unusually quiet today.” 

You fiddle with the embroidered flowers sewn into your dress, iridescent in the shaft of moonlight streaming through the car window. Tonight, even the beautiful artistry of fashion fails to make you smile.

“I’m just tired.”

Donghyuck laughs. “I didn’t ever think you could run out of energy at events like these. You always looked so perfectly put together at every single social function. Unlike me. God, I always found it all so tiring. I could never understand how you did it.”

You didn’t know me, you bite back the urge to say, just like how I still don’t know you. 

It seems like years pass before he reaches your house, and for once, you can’t wait to bolt out of the car, to run as far away from him as possible.

“By the way, I wanted to tell you something.”

You respond with a questioning glance. Donghyuck’s gaze darts away from you and he rubs the back of his neck awkwardly. 

“When I first saw you just now… I didn’t think you looked bad at all. Really.”

Your heart stills for a moment. 

“I thought you looked... really pretty. I mean, you still look… really pretty, of course.”

You give him a polite smile, say thank you and goodnight, step out of the car and walk away until you hear the sound of the engine revving. 

It is then that you finally fall apart. 

“His hatred for you… it’s because he feels that you’re tying him down. Holding him back from all the things he wants to achieve. He told me that he hated you because he was made to marry you from the start and he viewed this marriage as a prison. He feels that you’re taking his freedom away from him.”

Your head spins.

“So you can probably see… having to spend all this time with you… it’s taking a toll on him. I think for his sake, you should end it soon.”

You let out a bitter chuckle at your own hypocrisy—you wanted to help him reach for the stars, but you’re the one who’s chaining him to the ground. 

Your house stands before you like a castle gleaming in the starlight. You sigh, a soft sound that escapes immediately into the darkness.

All this time, you were merely building castles in the air. How naive of you to believe that what you and Donghyuck had could ever be real. 

But you’re strong and you don’t need anyone, you tell yourself. You close your eyes, imagining the moonlight washing away the pain, the starlight making you new and whole again. You’ll be ready to make things right; it’s the least you can do for Donghyuck.

And you? You’ll be okay. You always are. 

—

“Darling, you look absolutely fabulous.”

You won’t demur or say otherwise, not when you actually do think you look ready to rule the goddamn universe tonight. 

You decided on a dress from POEM Couture’s autumn-winter collection, and you really do think you look like a dream, ethereal almost. Your hair is put up in a low tendril twist bun with curled wisps escaping from the knot, framing the sides of your face. 

You’re about to head downstairs to check in on the decorations when your phone screen lights up with a message. 

From: hyuck

happy birthday, see u later ;) mayhaps i got u a present

Jaw tightening, you put your phone facedown on your desk.

Don’t ruin your makeup, you say sternly to yourself, swallowing harshly to get rid of the sudden thickness in your throat. 

You just need to get through this night and everything will be okay again. 

—

“Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for being here to celebrate my daughter’s 18th birthday with us today.”

Donghyuck looks out at the sea of people in stiff suits and designer dresses, and pulls uncomfortably at his necktie. How many of these people do you actually know, he wonders? They’re probably your parents’ colleagues, friends, rivals, people they wanted to show you off to. They’re milling about at your birthday celebration, making polite, small talk and pretending like they actually want to be here. 

“Y/N has always been the most perfect child,” your mother coos into the mic, “and we’re so lucky to have her as our daughter. Today is a very special day; our daughter has grown up into a beautiful young lady, with a beautiful mind of her own. And I’m so happy that she has finally found the one for her to blossom through her eighteenth year with.” She sends a wink in Donghyuck’s direction, and he offers back a weak smile while his own parents look proudly on. 

He wonders where you are, and why you haven’t replied to his text. Then again, he imagines that you must be absolutely swamped with preparations for today. He makes a mental note to go find you later so he can pass you your present in private. 

“All right, I won’t delay this anymore. After all, this is my daughter’s night, not mine. Everyone, I present to you, Y/N!”

Like magic, you appear from the shadows of the upper wing and all goes quiet. 

Donghyuck’s eyes widen. 

He doesn’t know much about fashion, but it doesn’t take much to realize that you’re dressed to kill tonight. The midnight purple bodice of your gown fades out into a lush pink in a glorious ombre, like twilight melding with a rosy sunrise. Your hair is delicately tied in a low bun, curly wisps gently kissing the sides of your face. Under the luminous light of the chandelier above, your skin is aglow with radiance, eyes aflame with a sparkle that takes his breath away. 

As you descend the grand staircase, a hand on the gold rail, a regal aura is composed around you and time seems to stop. Donghyuck swears he can hear several sharp intakes of breath.

You look just like a princess. 

You look like you have the blood of a royal running through your veins. If Donghyuck has the ability to command and captivate with his voice, you too have that same ability, but with your mere presence. 

“Oh, my darling daughter,” your mother gushes, arms extended towards you. She raises a hand towards Donghyuck, signalling him to come over. 

“I’m so glad you two are finally together. I mean, we knew it would happen all along, but now that it’s finalized, I can rest assured,” she announces, and Donghyuck finds that he can scarcely lift his eyes to meet yours; you’re simply too dazzling.

The crowd erupts into applause, and at first it is low, quiet him, but it soon morphs into a collective cheer, “Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!”

You cast a despairing glance at your mother, trying to convey to her the sheer impropriety of such a notion, but she merely winks at you and whispers, “Don’t worry, we’re not all that old-fashioned.”

Unconsciously, you grab a fistful of your dress as your heart begins to race. You simply cannot kiss Donghyuck, that would literally be the end of you. Donghyuck would hate it with every fibre of his being, and you don’t want to force him into doing this; he would hate you even more than he already does. You absolutely cannot bear the thought of tasting the disgust on his lips—

A warm hand closes around yours, the one that’s nervously clutching onto the folds of your dress. Your fist uncurls and your relaxes as Donghyuck threads his fingers through yours, his grip firm but gentle. He places his other hand on your cheek and whispers so softly that you know it is meant for your ears alone,

“Can I kiss you?”

You look up into his eyes, expecting to find reluctance and discomfort, but instead, his eyes are burning with a sort of—you wouldn’t call it desire, not exactly, but more of determination to see this moment through, because he too knows that there’s no way out of this. 

So you let your eyelids flutter shut to indicate your assent; you might as well get this done and over with, it’s all meaningless anyway and Donghyuck knows it too. 

But the moment his lips meet yours, a shower of sparks explodes in your chest and you can feel your heart sing. Your grip on his hand tightens as you attempt to hold him close and you will this moment to last forever so that you can memorize the sweet taste of his lips on yours, the heat of his hand against your cheek, handling you with such gentleness and care you almost believe this charade you’re both playing is real. He presses his lips against yours just a little deeper, draws you closer to him ever so slightly, thumb stroking your flushed cheek, and a shiver of electricity jolts through your veins, sending a chill down your spine—maybe the castles you’d been building in the air can be real after all. 

But this isn’t a fairytale, and your happy ever after won’t come by so easily.

Donghyuck’s lips leave yours. As quickly as it had begun, it was over, and the castles crumble right before you. You can’t hear the whoops and cheers arising from all around—in that moment, all you are aware of is Lee Donghyuck, gazing down at you with the darkness of midnight in his eyes and stardust streaked across his face. 

You’re suddenly transported back to a cramped, dimly-lit closet, where a boy huddled so close to you you could feel his breath on the shell of your ear and see the beauty spots that speckled his skin. Like stardust.

“... if I kiss you, you might just fall in love with me. Can’t risk that now, can we?” 

How right he is. You almost let out a sardonic laugh right then and there. 

You’re royally screwed, and all it took was a single kiss. 

—

You gaze out at the cityscape below you, breathing in the cool night air on the balcony and watching the twinkling nightlife of the rest of the world. You hope the chilly winds will cool the warmth in your cheeks and restore your former composure, so you won’t look like you’ve just been wrecked apart with the mere sensation of Donghyuck’s lips on yours. 

That would be too humiliating. 

You’re about to turn around and go back to the party, back to where you should be, when you feel a soft tug on your bun. Your hair escapes free from its tight hold and falls down your back, a long and lustrous stream illuminated by moonlight. 

You turn to the side and see Donghyuck, eyes gleaming with mischief. The familiarity of this action makes your heart swell; it’s like he’s reminding you of the memories he made with you. It’s like he’s deliberately making this so damn difficult for you.

“I hope you haven’t forgotten that you haven’t returned me my Scrunchie,” you say, and Donghyuck lets out a loud guffaw. 

“Don’t worry, you’ll get it back soon.”

Then his gaze suddenly drops away from yours, towards the floor. He rubs the back of his neck, cheeks blazing. “About just now—,”

“Thank you for that. I really appreciated it, and I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

“N-No,” Donghyuck says, a little too quickly, “it was fine for me.. Really. I was actually wondering if you were okay with it.”

Oh, he had no idea.

“We did what we had to do, and that’s all that matters,” you reply, turning away from him to face the night. 

You two stand in silence for a moment, your heart hammering in your chest as you gather up the courage let Donghyuck go. 

Now. 

“Y/N,” Donghyuck starts, right at the exact moment you say, “I think it’s time.”

Donghyuck tilts his head to the side, eyes focused on you. “You go first.”

You take a deep breath and plough forth. No turning back now. “I think it’s time to stop this. Tomorrow I’ll tell my parents that I want to cancel the engagement.” 

Donghyuck freezes, eyes wide, and for a moment you think you saw a glimpse of hurt flash across his eyes. But you must be deluding yourself. 

“Why?” 

You raise an eyebrow in feigned incredulity. “What do you mean why? We were supposed to end all of this after we tried it out for a while, just to show our parents that we were putting in the effort. I’ll let them know tomorrow that I want to break up with you. I think we’ve fake dated for long enough and it should be enough to convince our parents. It’s time we both moved on, don’t you think?” you say, doing your best to keep your tone light while twirling a lock of hair around your finger and hoping you were a picture-perfect portrait of absolute indifference. And not a shaking mess. 

Donghyuck’s eyes are glassy, and if you didn’t know any better, you’d think he looked crushed.

“I just have one question,” he says, eyes boring into you, “well, two, actually.”

You lift your chin to meet his gaze, a defiant shine in your eyes and a coy smile on your lips. “Go ahead.”

“Did you feel anything when we kissed?”

It is your turn to freeze. Why would he ask this? And how can you possibly tell him that when he kissed you it was like a thousand angels were singing in unison, and you felt your heart soaring to places it had never been before? That if you could, you would grab his collar, pull him towards you and claim his lips just once more—

“Are you drunk right now, Lee Donghyuck? That’s literally the craziest thing to ask. Of course I didn’t.”

His eyes harden. “Great. Just… one more question then.” 

You cross your arms over your chest because your hands are shaking visibly and you’re unable to stop them. 

“Is this what you really want?”

Again, you’re assaulted by a wave of deja-vu—the same cold, starlit night on a different balcony, where he’d asked you the same question in all earnestness. Previously you weren’t sure if he really cared what you wanted, but now that you know he truly cares, it makes it all the more painful. 

“I don’t want a model answer, Y/N. I’m asking you what you really want.”

You bite down hard on your lip, suppressing the wildness in you that screams no. 

“Again, that’s a stupid question. Of course it’s what I want. Why wouldn’t it be? It’s what we both want, isn’t it? You wanted so much to break our marriage contract because you hate me. That’s why we’re doing all this in the first place.”

A film descends over his eyes at that moment and your heart breaks. 

“You’re right,” he says after what seems like an eternity, voice barely above a whisper, “we should have ended this long ago. I’m sorry. For wasting your time.” 

Your heart breaks at his words, even though you’d seen them coming from a mile away and you really don’t have the right to expect anything else. Your heart breaks at the way he’s already slipping away from you. 

Even though he was never yours to begin with. 

He steps closer to you and takes your wrist. You feel a prickle of electricity course through your bones, but he merely hands you a large shopping bag.

“Happy birthday, Y/N,” he says, with a smile that appears forced and yet genuine all at once. Like he really wants to smile at you but he can’t bring himself to. 

And with that, he turns and leaves. You grip tightly onto the bag, fingernails digging into the skin of your palm as his silhouette fades back into the glow of the ballroom. 

You don’t even have it in you to cry, to regret, to yell for him to come back. 

Because the moment he left a gaping hole tore through you and now you are just too filled up with empty to feel anything.

— 

Hey Y/N,

Happy birthday! I can’t believe it’s been so long since we started hanging out. Honestly, I’d long forgotten about our contract, and now that I think about it, it’s actually so stupid—how did we even come up with that bullshit? Then again, I guess I’m glad we did, because it gave us the opportunity to hang out and without it, I would never have known what a great person you are. 

Here’s your Scrunchie (did you really think I wouldn’t give it back lol) and your birthday present, because I’m sorry I got gravy on your ugly ass Prada bag. Don’t worry, this one’s also from Prada, and I think it’s SO much nicer—my mum helped me get it custom made. I personally chose all the colors and the design, and it has your name inscribed inside so you’d better not lose it. Don’t you dare get gravy on this one or else I’ll literally come for your ass. 

All right, now that that’s out of the way, it’s confession time. You’re right, I did hate you before (and it’s not because I hate pink, I swear), but I realized that it wasn’t personal. I just hated having to marry you, not because of you, but I just didn’t want to be in an arranged marriage. I thought that would take all my freedom away and I really didn’t want that. I’m sorry for hating you so much—that was just plain stupid of me. 

But in a funny way, even though I saw you as killing my freedom, you were the one who gave it back to me—you were the one who rekindled my love for singing at a time when everyone around me was telling me I should give it up. I can’t believe you still remembered that I sing, by the way. I didn’t even know that you knew, so that was pretty cool of you. So yeah, I just wanted to say thank you for that, you have no idea how much it meant to me. How important it was to me. If you look inside the Prada bag you’ll find a USB drive. I’d actually been working on a song for you for a couple months just to say thank you. It’s called “Beautiful Time”, and I really hope you’ll like it.

I hope that whatever happens next, we’ll always be friends, because you’re seriously one of the coolest and strongest people I know. Sometimes I wish I had your strength; I don’t know if you know this, but you’re so strong it makes me jealous sometimes. It’s crazy how we’re the same age but you’re just so much more mature and stronger. You’re just… so amazing sometimes.

All right, before I puke writing this, let’s just end it here. Here’s to many more memories and great times, have a great birthday  Y/N <3

Love, Donghyuck

[rosethornewrites]

Fic: The Rebellion of Adrien Agreste, ch. 16

Relationships: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir & Gabriel Agreste | Papillon | Hawk Moth, Juleka Couffaine/Rose Lavillant, Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Luka Couffaine, Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug & Kagami Tsurugi, Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir & Luka Couffaine, Lila Rossi/karma, Gabriel Agreste | Papillon | Hawk Moth/aneurism, Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug/Kagami Tsurugi, Plagg & Tikki

Characters: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir, Gabriel Agreste | Papillon | Hawk Moth, Lila Rossi, Jagged Stone, Plagg, Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Luka Couffaine, Penny Rolling, Anarka Couffaine, Rose Lavillant, Juleka Couffaine, Kagami Tsurugi, Alya Césaire, Chloé Bourgeois, Wayhem, Nadja Chamack, Nathalie Sancoeur, Sabine Cheng, Tom Dupain, Tikki, Fang, Principal Damocles, Caline Bustier, Ms. Mendeleiev, original minor character, Alec Cataldi, Lila Rossi’s Mother, Sabrina Raincomprix, Roger Raincomprix, Mylène Haprèle, Le Gorille | Adrien Agreste’s Bodyguard, Nino Lahiffe, Nooroo

Tags: Lila Rossi salt, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Teenage Rebellion, Swearing, Bad Parent Gabriel Agreste, Crack Treated Seriously, Lila Rossi’s Lies Are Exposed, Cuddling & Snuggling, Luka Couffaine Needs a Hug, Paparazzi, Parentification, Marinette Dupain-Cheng Needs a Hug, Gabriel Agreste Needs an Aneurism, Uncle Jagged Stone, we’re all queer here, the spirit of punk is sometimes just being allowed to be yourself, Kagami Finds Her Groove, punk rock fashion, Savage Kagami, Marinette protection squad, Good Parent Sabine Cheng, Good Parent Tom Dupain, Protective Kagami Tsurugi, Protective Luka Couffaine, Bisexual Marinette Dupain-Cheng, Pansexual Luka Couffaine, Sharing a Bed, Pet Names, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, Instagram, Bullying, Social Media, Anxiety, Makeover, Hugs, will cure your acne, Face Punching, Bad Ass Juleka Couffaine, Rumors, Protective Juleka Couffaine, Protective Adrien Agreste, Lawyers, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Holding Hands, accountability, mental health, Jagged Stone’s well-paid pet shark, How to Make the Evening News, Sexy eyeliner for days, one fish two fish Lila is a screwed fish, How to have fun and piss Gabriel off, Fuckery, sweet litigious karma, Alya sugar, lawyer shark doo doo doo doo doo doo, Schadenfreude, Bad Ass Alya Césaire, Gaslighting, abuse denormalization, Jagged likes his lawyers like he likes his pets: toothy af, Blood in the Water, Everything you didn’t know you wanted and some things you did, Gabriel Agreste is shark bait, Denial, Consequences, Principal Damocles salt, caline bustier salt, the impotence of Gabriel Agreste, snarky Nooroo, lies and the lying liars who tell them, Lila’s brain is a narcissistic hellscape, Lila’s mind is built like an Escher piece, Alec Cataldi salt, Adrien Sugar, wholesome salt, Fu Salt, Kwami Shenanigans, Nooroo is a little shit

Summary: Kwami Omake

Notes: This is the last chapter already written, and next week is finals week at my institution, so I won’t have time to write more just yet. I’ve been getting in snatches of paragraphs for a different fic (for The Untamed), but I now feel more motivation for this fic. Some crap went down a few months ago and made writing for ML hard for a while. As it turns out, wonderful people creating fanart for it is inspiring af.

AO3 link

Chapters 1-2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15

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Tikki was almost falling asleep after the excitement of the morning when suddenly Plagg was in Marinette’s bag with her. She only barely managed to stop from letting out a startled cry.

“Plagg!” she hissed, glaring. “If my holder—”

“That’s why we need to go talk somewhere else, Sugarcube.”

Plagg was, at least, keeping his voice down. Small favors.

She scowled. “We’re not tempting Mme. Mendeleiev again. It was bad enough last time!”

He rolled his eyes. “Ugh, fine. We stay in the walls and floors until we find an empty room.”

“You had best hope there isn’t an Akuma Alert while we’re gone.”

It was unlikely, given that Marinette hadn’t had a chance to purify the Akuma Mme. Mendeleiev had captured. She likely wouldn’t even notice Tikki was gone, as Alya was sticking to her like glue, still occasionally crying when her guilt overflowed.

They did have to have a conversation—their holders had managed to get rid of the threat of the liar, but there were other issues to address. Namely the way his holder’s father was likely to react to what was happening as it continued. It wouldn’t do for Chat Noir to be on lockdown, after all.

They were able to make their way to the locker room and into an empty locker without any issue.

“Have you been reading the news?” Plagg asked once they had ascertained they wouldn’t be discovered. “Good ol’ Gabe tried to fire Lila a second time. Forgot he already had, I guess.”

Tikki frowned, not sure whether that was a good development. “So he’s irrational over it?”

Plagg snorted contemptuously. “When’s he not irrational, is more the question. Just more so than usual. My kid deals with way too much shit from that man.”

She was well aware of that, having heard enough through Marinette, who had always wondered how to help—both Adrien and Chat Noir, at that, since she was aware both had awful home lives but had no idea they were the same home life.

In many ways, Gabriel Agreste’s latest act of assholery was a blessing in disguise if it finally made Plagg’s holder snap and actively seek help. The boy was far too passive, and it was nice to see him finally put his foot down.

That it had involved an attempt to force him to date his “muse” the Liar was beyond the pale and more than a little creepy, in Tikki’s eyes. Sure, in some centuries their holders and all their friends would be married with kids by now, but allowing kids to grow more was a civilized move and a boon of modern society.

“If he likes her so much, he can date her,” Plagg commented.

Tikki had to suppress a smile at how in tune he was with her thoughts, truly her other half. “It’s illegal now.”

“Like Gabe cares about illegal,” Plagg scoffed. “The man’s a moral abyss. It’s shocking Adrien is such a good kid given his sire, but I guess it’s a good thing he’s had little involvement in his life beyond donating sperm.”

“Plagg!” Tikki frowned at him; that was taking it a bit far. Or at least she hoped it wasn’t that bad. “I hope you don’t talk like that around your holder.”

“I wish,” he muttered. “But no, the kid still hopes for his dad’s approval. Though from recent events that might’ve waned a bit.”

That was probably as good an opening as she was going to get.

“Recent events that might compromise your holder’s identity. His dad is obviously a loose cannon, and while it’s good the Liar was taken out, we need to counsel our holders to get the rest taken care of and their lives stabilized. Otherwise Hawkmoth could win.”

“Yeah, I know. But no Fu.”

Tikki already knew all the arguments he could bring up there, and she agreed with them. The man had trauma, certainly, but he kept making mistakes based on them that were hurting the kids. She had expected he would mentor them, not hide in his massage parlor and expect them to learn to swim on their own.

“Agreed. He’s prone to panic and bad decisions.”

Plagg looked briefly startled, but grinned. “Ah, always knew I’d create a rebel out of you, Sugarcube.”

She rolled her eyes affectionately. “I trust our judgment better, is all.”

“Been waiting a few millennia to hear you say that!”

He preened, and Tikki fixed him with an unimpressed stare.

“‘Our,’ Plagg. I know better than to trust yours alone. The dinosaurs, Atlantis…”

“Yeah, yeah. Make a few mistakes, everyone reminds you of them forever.”

Thankfully he knew better than to argue or mention her own. She hated reminders of her own failures, particularly the one that had gone beyond its target and through the millennia to the present. Tikki hadn’t expected the creation of abnormal cell growth to take on a life of its own… but maybe that was why she so rarely let herself lose her temper.

Plagg yawned widely, as though putting on a show to distract her, knowing she needed it.

Stinky Sock, always being so observant, making himself likeable.

“They’ll all be at Pigtails’ place tonight. We can plan more after we know their plan, right?”

Tikki hid a smile. “Let me guess. It’s naptime?”

He smiled. “You know me so well.”

She considered for a moment.

“Mind making a pit-stop along the way? I can purify that Akuma so my holder doesn’t have to worry about it.”

“Ooo!” Plagg brightened. “I wonder if that teacher has any of that delicious magic cheese…”

“Ugh, Stinky Sock. You and your cheese!”

Still, she felt the anxiety of the day start to ease at his antics as she led the way to the science room.

As it turned out, there was cheese, and a very pleasant teacher who actually apologized for trying to capture them and wished them luck fighting Hawkmoth. She even had a cookie for Tikki.

Life was good.

[artha-as-ellara]

Title: Adapt and flourish

(that is the start of the re-counting of all the stories i’ve been writing. this one is the first)

Pairings: Tony Stark/Leli Romanoff

others are not decided yet, so i accept suggestions

Description: Years and years after the death of Tony Stark, the Earth faces new enemies — so called Colonizers, humans from another timeline and dimension, who are trying to enslave everyone in their attempts to power their machines. Goverments are destroyed, and the only opposing force that is still there, is a large group of fanatics, who are trying to create as many mutant soldiers as possible. A small group of said mutants, one of whom is coincidently the only daughter of Natasha Romanoff, escape the claws of the Opposers, but end up in the middle of nowhere, without much protection in the world that is being drained and enslaved by the newcomers.

So they decide to do the only thing that could fix it all — to find a way to the reality, in which this all did not happen. Only that it doesn’t go as smoothly as planned.

Actual summary: a small group of teenagers(18-26 years old) are going back in time from near-apocalyptic state to New York of 2005-2010. Main-main characters are Leli (said daughter of Natasha) and Harper (what a badass, I fucking love her), but we have five new people in total, each a character of their own, with their own life and history. Their main goal is to find people responsible for the coming of Colonizers, meanwhile protecting the NYC and not getting under the radar of not-even-formed-yet Avengers.

Tags(kinda): SLOW BURN, hello. Romance, age difference. OC characters are hella badasses, but vulnerable in their own way and not invincible. Plot is extremely important and I will break the original MCU plot and timeline because I hate repeating stuff. Also, TENSION. Like a lot of unresolved sexual tension. Jealousy. Lots of that shit. Basically forbidden romance. Therefore guilt trips from Stark’s side even before the relationship. Lots of psychological problems from both sides, mentions of PTSD, depression, suicide attempts.

Also, for anyone concerned:

Leli is 19 when she meets Stark for the first time, who’s 42 at the time(first Avengers Movie). Now add the time they’ll need to get to the relationship point. A lot of time.

(Possible Soulmates-AU: Soulmarks are rare, the majority of them are romantic. They are on your body your whole life, but have a gray/black color until your soulmate is born or after they’d died. There are no known cases of soulmates not ever meeting, so the marks are usually seen as a blessing. Tony Stark has one, but it just never got its color back. Could be used to bring the characters together and make the whole thing less of a slow burn, and also could be used to add the sweet aNgSt to Tony’s character. Not sure about it yet though, not a big soulmate-AU fan.)

New characters/OCs (Ages given are for the first Avengers movie, so feel free to subtract 2 years from that, as the story starts 2 years before that):

Valeria ‘Leli/Lela/Lera’ Romanoff

Faceclaim: I DUNNO YET SO I ACCEPT SUGGESTIONS. She looks kinda young for her age, and is a redhead.

Age: 19

Character: chaotic good/neutral. Troublemaker and the glue that makes the whole team stick together. Very optimistic and oblivious, but smart when it comes to helping people. Pretty empathic, I would say, albeit only to others. Can’t understand shit about her own feelings and problems, so she does her best to aVoiD tHeM. (what a responsible human being)

Powers: Illusions and great eyesight.

Quote: “Watch me do it, but naked. Buttnaked? Hah.”

Harper ‘Harp/Harpy’ Jayson

Faceclaim: ig @flammedepigalle

Character: neutral, sarcastic and somewhat pessimistic, even though she’ll tell you it’s called being a realist. Can and will rip your eyes out if you piss her off. Very loyal friend. Impulsive, gets bitchy or explodes pretty often. She is also really, really, really fucking cool and I love her. I’m not biased towards any of my OCs, no, not at all.

Age: 24

Powers: inhumane strength and ability to control air around her, which she’d mastered to its fullest potential(not fullest control, I warn you, she is not invincible).

Quote: “Oh for fuck’s sake, put that shit down, I’m not trying to kill you, you idiot. I won’t need to try. ”

Skye ‘Siren’ Trett

Faceclaim: ig @alissajanay

Character: a sweetheart. Shy, caring, somewhat serene; rarely even raises her voice. Very lovable and very loving, but also not really courageous. She’s there because of her friends, not because she thinks it’s the right thing to do. But she does think so, though.

Age: 21

Powers: foreseeing/intuition, healing. She also has a very enchanting singing voice, which she can turn into a weapon by screaming - knocks people out. Knocks her out too.

Quote: “Oh, no, I’ll be fine. They can’t hit me if I know where the bullets are going. Don’t worry.”

Jordan ‘Danny/Dan/Jordy’ Trevis

Faceclaim: Gerhard Freidl

Character: has very bad eating habits and social anxiety, dislikes talking to people and generally being near anyone, snarky as fuck. Tolerates Leli’s mother-henning around him until the moments she starts calling him her son/child. Asexual, but not aromantic, although distrusts people enough to not even consider it.

Age: 26

Powers: Teleportation and extremely good regeneration. Probably almost unkillable, although they didn’t try to kill him yet.

Quote: “Stop staring at me, I’m not going to disappear.”

Zachary ‘Zach/Ary’ Marley

Faceclaim: Erin Mommsen

Character: Leli’s co-drunkard and partner in crime. Gay, crackheadish, extremely bored all the time and has very-very-very low patience level. Very smort boi, but also very unreliable boi. Probably went back in time for weed and not to save the planet.

Age: 20

Powers: Invisibility, perfect memory.

Quote: “Lela, I’m hungry. I told you, we should’ve stolen their pizza. You think we can talk Dan into teleporting us back there? Skye patched my bullet wounds up, I’m ready for more. For pizza and honor, as the saying goes.”

[jxckspxcer]

So here’s your Official Nightmare Update !

PLEASE CIRCULATE (use non-rp blogs if you wish).

BOLDED ITEMS FOR MAXIMUM SKIMMAGE

Current Issues in Murs Life Outside Their Control:

My STEPMOTHER, who I live with, IS GOING TO DIE. It is certain she will, they just don’t know how long it will take. It could be a month, she could make it til the summer, but we know she’s not going to make it. 

SHE PAYS A MAJORITY OF OUR BILLS and her name is on a majority of the things we have (apartment lease, the car (none of us have licenses except her), the phone, the cable, even the cat is hers). 

My dads cancer is getting better, but he’s still weak and still has COPD. He’s trying to get on disability, but I AM ESSENTIALLY HIS PARENTIFIED CHILD, because I have to take care of him (make him food, maintain the house, clean his dishes, wash his clothes, call people for him, keep track of phone numbers, organize his phone, fix electronics he doesn’t understand and deal with his constant anxiety and complaining and nagging about how shit sucks like I don’t know). 

Meanwhile I recently started antidepressants because my depression was getting so bad I was having EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWNS on a regular basis, dropping to the floor and sobbing and twitching and losing control of my mind and capacities. I also have to deal with ADHD; PTSD; Social Anxiety; Years of Childhood Neglect Making Me An Incapable Adult; the fears of being a queer, low-income, mentally scattered and addiction-prone adult—— And I’M ABOUT TO BE SHUNTED INTO INDEPENDENCE. Maybe not right away, but even now, I’m essentially the head of house. I’m the new head of house. That’s so fucked up man.

Without my stepmom, I don’t know how we’re going to do anything. WE CAN BARELY AFFORD OUR BILLS NOW. 

We’re trying to hash out what we’ll do when Susan kicks the bucket and THIS IS WHAT WE KNOW: 

When she dies, all her stuff is mine, because my dad doesn’t like material possessions and her family sucks egg. So I have a lot of furniture at least.

I can either get a new cheaper apartment with my dad (I told him I don’t want to, I don’t want to be responsible for him medically, and the idea of waking up one day to him dead in my home freaks me out. He says he could make it a few more years easy if the cancer is gone, but we’re on the fence, because the only other option is he goes into assisted living and--) Or I can get a room mate and move out on my own. 

GETTING A NEW JOB IS TOP PRIORITY. My current job keeps slashing my hours, and the hours available are already poor (2hr chunks, 3 times a day, like twice a week ? its not good money, even a full-time minimum wage job would be better). I’m sending out hella applications, but I haven’t gotten any call backs and I’m in a horrible state because of my situation and I worry I’m going to fuck up interviews at this rate.

IN GENERAL FINANCES AND OUR SITUATION ARE SO SKETCH AND TERRIFYING AND UNPREDICTABLE AND I’M LOSING MY MIND ! !!

I CAN’T PREDICT, I CAN’T PLAN, I CAN’T PANIC, I CAN’T RELAX.

Even on the antidepressants I’m starting to have nervous breakdowns again, and that’s not a good sign. I’ve also started my period, for the first time in three years, due to the drug cocktail in my body and skimping on my testosterone cause I don’t have enough ROOM on my DRY SKIN for BLISTER INDUCING PATCHES, so who knows when that’s going to stop!!!

On top of that, our washing machine is broken, I have tooth pain, I need to go to therapy and work, I need to Not Die, I need my DAD to Not Die, I have to take care of our depressed cat, and so many more minor inconveniences that my emotional dysregulation CANNOT HANDLE!!! 

Also my birthdays MARCH 7th and I’Mmmm

Did you know all my mother figures have died in my birth month ? I’m never going to be able to celebrate my birthday again at this rate !!

sO PLEASE CONSIDER DONATING TO MY EMERGENCY SAVINGS!!

CURRENTLY I HAVE $500 IN EMERGENCY SAVINGS.

I dO NOT KNOW WHAT A GOOD AMOUNT OF EMERGENCY SAVINGS IS!!

RENT IS $1600, CARETAKERS ARE $550 BUT PAID THROUGH MY DADS INSURANCE FOR NOW, MONTHLY TRANSPORTATION IS $80. BILLS?? GOD IF I KNOW, THEY CHANGE SO MUCH AND MY PARENTS CAN’T/WON’T KEEP MY IN THE LOOP, PROBABLY LIKE $400, AND IF ANY POINT THE POLITICAL SHIT GETS OUT OF HAND, OUR MEDICAL SITUATION WILL SURELY BE WORTH OVER $3000 A MONTH COMBINED, BUT THAT’S THE FUTURE SO HHH

DONATIONS AS SMALL AS $5 ARE A BLESSING AND EVEN A REBLOG GOES A LONG WAY.

PAYPAL / KOFI / IDGAF-- AMAZON

PAYPAL / KOFI / IDGAF-- AMAZON

PAYPAL / KOFI / IDGAF-- AMAZON

PAYPAL / KOFI / IDGAF-- AMAZON

PAYPAL / KOFI / IDGAF-- AMAZON

I WILL BE OPENING COMMISSIONS SOON, AND ANY KOFI DONATIONS WILL BE GIVEN A PAPER SKETCH OF WHATEVER THEY WANT. MULTIPLE DONATIONS CAN PUT THAT TOWARDS COMMISSIONS, OR EVEN A FUTURE OF  D E B T IDC MAN I NEED THIS. 

I don’t take assistance lightly, every donation is taken very seriously, and I will fucking APPRECIATE you man. If I am ever capable of helping you in the future, I will. It’s mutual aid, help those in need when you’re capable and hope that the world will help you in your time of need in return ! 

FOR THE FOLKS I RP WITH:

I may or may not disappear in the next few months, I may or may not just keep acting natural on my blog and occasionally wincing about my life, but I promise things will go back to normal eventually. Please just keep in mind this stuff is my safe place, my favorite hobby, my comfort du jour,, and my struggles do not define me, I’m still your friend and I’m still here for you, even if I’m in dire straits and the semi-responsibility of a blog (i know it’s a hobby but i want so badly to make sure we’re all having fun) can stress me out sometimes. I’m really trying to be positive, and be proud of what I’m doing in terms of taking on responsibility and keeping our life organized, but it’s... it’s hard and I don’t want to bring anyone down, but I want you to know it’s happening, at the same time.

I know the best of you can be understanding. But I’m still, sorry for all this I guess.

[jenniferdong23]

Dear Taylor,

Words can’t express how much I love and appreciate you, but this essay is dedicated towards you. In case you don’t know who I am: HI, I’M JENNIFER. I’ve been a fan of yours since 2008. It really started when I was at my friend’s house and while we were on YouTube on her computer, we watched the Love Story music video. That was the MOMENT I KNEW that I was going to fangirl over you for the rest of my life. From then on, I listened to your music endlessly (kind of feel bad for that repeat button to this day but also, BLESS the repeat button).

Your music has always been there for me. I still remember replaying the Back to December video while it was snowing outside my window. When I moved elementary schools and was isolated and bullied by other girls, your music was there for me when I got home (especially your debut album!!). I honestly can relate to you so much. For 5 months when I first moved school, I always ate lunch alone and I didn’t have any friends (I have a great group of best friends now so don’t worry! People often call me a “social butterfly” ahaha). When my grandmother passed away when I was 13 years old, you were there for me. When my parents divorced shortly after, your music was also there. So, as you can see, your music is always there for a lot of milestones in my life.

When I was 16, I was hospitalized because I suffered from really bad social anxiety, depression, and OCD. Basically, this was the lowest point of my life. During my stay in the hospital, we weren’t allowed many electronics, but they gave us little mp3 players. When the nurses asked me who I wanted to listen to, I said, “Taylor Swift” immediately. During the lowest time of my life, 1989 was there for me. That was also the time that I bought a ticket to your 1989 concert in Vancouver but the doctors wouldn’t let me go because they said that my anxiety would spike. I was so heartbroken because 1989 would be my first ever Taylor concert and I worked up the bravery to go alone because at that time, I didn’t have a lot of friends. BUT, after I got discharged, I discovered that my dad (he’s the best dad in the world!!!!) bought us 2 plane tickets and got me tickets to your 1989 concert in Toronto!!! This was such a huge deal for me because I knew how expensive it was and my family isn’t rich or anything. We flew on a weekend during the school year to your concert in Toronto!!! My cousin who lived in Toronto went with me AND I HAD THE TIME OF MY LIFE (as demonstrated in this video, SORRY FOR MY HORRIBLE SINGING *cringe*). I even lost my voice after and my cousin joked that her ears were ringing from my constant screaming BAHAHA – and I oop.

This is super long and I’m sorry but I just want to THANK YOU. You’ve been there for me so much. You’re a wonderful human being and friend (I mean, all the things that you do for your fans go beyond what we could ever imagine). Even during your lowest point with the whole phone recording incident (don’t want to say their names, to me, it’s basically blasphemy), I was always on your side and I believe YOU. I may not have been active on social media at the time but I supported you (and I will always stay!).

So, thank you for being a constant rock in my life and for bringing me in contact with so many lovely Swifties in the fandom. I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND WILL ALWAYS STAY AND SUPPORT YOU!! See you in concerts soon pal!!

Love,

Jennifer 💗

@taylorswift

[maree-ff]

And She Roars

[CAMILA]

“Andre, I don’t know about this.” I said suddenly. He paused his walk to give me this evil stare. 

“You’re worrying too much love, can you stop? Please?” Andre resumed his prance around the room hoping that Jorden will stay asleep as he moves. Every couple of days as of the last few weeks, Jorden has woken up from a nap, screaming bloody murder. His episodes wake up the entire house. The girls are both extremely agitated at this point time so the energy in the house has shifted all the way left. So Andre and I are finding new methods to make sure Jo gets the proper amount of rest just like the rest of us. 

Some of our friends have invited us out for the day being that we haven’t spent much time out of the house lately. I am the one whose more so been stuck here at home with the baby but that’s by choice. Since Jorden’s homecoming I haven’t cared enough to be social with anybody except for our family. To simply put my current feelings on staying home, I’m focused on taking it easy and being a good mother. 

I have not seen much of the outside world for a month and a half as of yesterday. Andre and Jessica both think I need to step away and regroup for at least a few hours but I strongly disagree. No amount of alone time compares to the minutes I spend with my babies. 

“Get dressed Cam, we’re supposed to meet everybody in an hour and you’re still sitting there in the same clothes you slept in. We’re going. Get up please.” Andre walked out of the room and looked over his shoulder once he touched the first step. “You better be  standing in front of that bed, dressed and ready to go when I hit this last step.” He warned. 

“Or what?” I challenged playfully. “What are you gonna do?” I laughed at how serious he looks holding our knee deep in sleep baby who is drooling on his daddy’s favorite shirt. 

“That ass is mine.” He pointed at me and disappeared from view altogether. Just as I heard Andre begin to speak at an inaudible volume to our baby I felt myself grow hungry. 

I can’t fight the urge to eat so I don’t have a choice but to wash up and put some clothes on. Taking into consideration that Jorden will be fed a number of times while we’re out, I searched for tops that I can easily alter. If I don’t have time to take off anything I need a blouse that can be unzipped or unbuttoned. 

“What to wear, what to wear..” I muttered to myself. Fumbling through my selection of blouses, sweatshirts, and button downs I pulled down a possible contender. This might work. Hurriedly I put one of my softer bras on and the sweater directly on top. Walking over to the mirror I buttoned up this top to where I like it, modeling for my own pleasure. I don’t remember the last time I even touched this sweater and I’m quite surprised at how complimenting it is to my skin tone. There is still room for me here is interesting too. It’s predominantly cognac colored body and cream buttons seems to be lifting my mood. This is a really pretty sweater and to think I’m just now putting it on. 

Finishing up in our closet I gathered all of my things and stood in front of the bed. When I saw Andre take that final step onto this level of the house with the baby and his bag I smiled. “The ass still belongs to me.” I said smartly. 

He walked into the room laughing quietly to himself. 

“What’s so funny, huh?” I questioned. Going around the bedroom I partially shut the blinds and re-made the bed. 

“You. You’re funny. Are you ready to go?” Together we left the house and we’re off to meet our friends. Jorden is still very much asleep leaving me the opportunity to talk to Dre. 

Turning the radio down I shifted in my seat watching him drive. To this very day I still question a few moments of our past. Like why did he really approach me at the bar? Did I look appealing to his eye from wherever he stood or sat? Was he bored and needed something to do? I still wonder what was his drive to get to know me. And even after the night we met he stuck around. Andre was there during times he didn’t have to be. 

“What are you thinking so hard about over there?” Andre freed one of his hands to push my some hair from my face. 

My head swiveled to the left to glance at Jorden’s car seat. I don’t see his feet moving meaning that he’s still asleep. “Just reminiscing about a few things. ‘S it weird that we have a baby now? Together? Personally I still feel surprised that I bore another human being and that he came from you. For so many years until you came along I was solid on not having more children. I was very much against it. Then you worked your magic on me little ol’ me and look where we are.” 

“Yeah I agree. I think it’s a blessing that I get to be apart of at least one of my kids lives at the start. I’ll never be able to take back my absence in Zoe’s youth. I’ll never be able to take Damon’s place as the reason you had Kenja. But I can make up for all of that with him. I feel like I’m getting a do over and I feel good about what this chapter is gonna bring us.” He explained. 

I grinned proudly at his response. “So I have something to confess and before you assume or freak out it’s not bad.” Pausing to catch his concerned eye I continued after I took a breath. “What am I supposed to do when Jo gets hungry?” 

Confused and chuckling airily Andre made a sudden turn. “That’s a trick question isn’t it?” 

“No Andre it’s not. I’m serious. What am I supposed to do?” I reiterated hearing slight movement from the backseat. 

“Uh...you feed him. Why would you even ask me that?” He quizzed again still not seeing where I’m coming from with my concern. 

“This is the first time he’ll be taken out of the house except for his checkup a few weeks ago. I’m scared to feed him in public.” Shifting back around to face the windshield I clasped my hands in my lap. 

“Oh, oh I get it. I get it now. Look baby, you don’t have to worry. It doesn’t matter where we are or who we’re with, if Jo gets hungry you do what you need to.” Andre says simply as if publicly shaming mothers for breastfeeding isn’t a real issue. This is a global issue for all mothers. Everyone knows the science of how babies are made and what they need to survive for at least the first year of life, etc. The problem boils down to some random idiot feeling offended by seeing a mom feed her baby. 

“Dre, you’re seriously missing the point. I’m scared to feed him in public because I don’t want to be shamed or judged for doing my diligence as a new mom. I don’t want to be forced to leave any establishment or go hide somewhere just to feed my baby. Not to forget that we’ll be with our friends and the last thing I want is to make any of them uncomfortable if some shit starts because of me.”  I rest my case for the time being. I expressed my feelings and my fears but I’m praying for a smooth and fun outing. 

[AUTHOR]

Stepping out of the car Camila looped her purse over her shoulder and closed the car door. Taking a step back she pulled on the handle to grab the baby from the backseat. She got the belts unbuckled and was onto picking up the car seat until Andre took over. She sighed and allowed him to finish what he started. 

She studied the parking lot spotting a couple of familiar vehicles that belong to her friends. 

“Are you still worried? Was it I who upset you?” Andre asked. He stood tall and switched their positions keeping Camila and the baby closest to the car. 

“I never said you upset me and yes, I’m still worried. We are the only couple in our circle of friends who are parents. They won’t understand. Although they’re all great people I don’t want them to feel obligated to stick up for me.” Biting her lip Camila looks around to check out the scenery again. 

“Look at me,” Andre held her by the shoulders, softening up his grip every few seconds. The pair exchanged pleading looks of concern over the subject at hand. “I understand where you’re coming from and I’m sorry that you feel this way. Regardless of how this goes, I want you to remember that you deserve this. After the year you’ve had, I want you..I encourage you to enjoy being around friends. You put yourself on the back burner most of the time so just for once take it easy. Can you do that for me? If not for me then for him.” His sweet bargain lifted some heavy weight from her heart and mind. 

Camila vowed to her man and herself that she would indeed attempt to see the bright side of their outing. When they touched down in the restaurant Andre spotted his one of his closest friends, Tariq. Pushing the stroller, Andre escorted Camila over to the long table that their friends had reserved. 

“Well look at this, a sight I have been dying to see.” Tariq chuckled warmly. He stood up and walked over to Andre, gripping his hand. hugged, separated and briefly chopped it up. 

Tariq’s girlfriend appeared from the restroom along with some of the other women who were apart of the group. “Camila, you look damn good. And to think you had a baby in there almost two months ago. How are you?” She smiled, wrapping her arms around her friend. 

“I’m good. Tired most of the time but I swear I’m not complaining. How have you all been?” Camila and the ladies began chatting up a storm and making up for lost time while the men did the same. Everyone was still talking as the couples sat next to their significant others. The warm atmosphere settled the remaining bit of Camila’s nerves and replaced her anxiety with happiness. Even without saying it aloud, she can’t deny how great it is to be amongst people in her age bracket. She’s going to have to thank her man later on for convincing her to get out of the house. 

“Two young children and a newborn? How does it feel to be parents to three?” Tatia asked, eyes shifting between Andre and Camila. 

Exhaling through her nose, Camila sat back against her chair and crossed one leg over the other. She nudged Dre inspiring him to answer. 

“Having three kids in the house only feels different when trying to entertain them all at once. It’s not too hard though. The girls love being involved as much as they can. Whether they’re helping bathe him, read to him, play with him and so on. You name it and his sisters are right there learning as much as they can absorb at one time.” Andre explained as two servers approached the table. 

Both servers took the groups drink orders and left. 

“So, Cam I have to ask you something but you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.” Scooting closer to the table Jhessi leaned into her fist waiting to see if Camila would take the bait. 

“What is it?” Camila smirked. “What do you want to know?” 

“Is the sex better when you’re pregnant? I’ve heard tons of stories from previously pregnant women and they all say the same thing.” The ladies snickered in unison while their mates looked slightly uncomfortable yet curious to know. 

Peering into Jorden’s car seat to check on him Camila was happy to see that he’s awake. Instantly she thought of the perfect response. “We have three kids for a reason.” She stated with pride. Although she and Andre know the true breakdown of her words, the fact remains true. Their sex was amazing while she was pregnant. It always has been but the feeling of euphoria was amplified during this past year.  

“Enough said.” Jhessi smiles with satisfaction at the answer she received. 

“Anywho..how’s your brother doing, man? I tried reaching out but I haven’t heard back from him.” Sean, Andre and the guys began discussing all topics sports, work, and the do’s and don'ts they’ve picked up in relationships. The women spoke on health, kids, lifestyle and beauty. The conversations were flowing all throughout the group. 

The servers returned with the drinks and began taking meal orders. Just then the baby started fussing not realizing how loud he was being. The others continued on with getting their orders straight while Andre helped Camila prepare for baby Jorden’s first feeding. 

“You brought his blanket didn’t you?” Camila frantically questioned. She hugged her baby close seeming to calm him a tad as Dre searches through his diaper bag. He found the blanket printed with cute zoo animals and gracefully draped it over Camila’s shoulder. She caught the eye of the young male server and froze. 

“Cam, what are you doing?” Andre rubbed her arm noticing she seemed frightened to carry on with feeding their distraught son. “Babe..feed him before he gets really upset.” He advised strongly yet respectfully. 

Camila’s eyesight bounced between the waiter and her man for several minutes. The nerves took over her entire body and instead of expressing what’s going on in her head, she wants to flee. Getting everything prepped, Camila connected the bag to her shoulder and rose up from her chair. 

“What are you doing?” Dre whispered, standing up just as fast. 

“I can’t do this out here. I need to leave.” She panicked quietly. To avoid anymore attention Camila took one step around her fiancée only to be stopped. 

Andre spoke discreetly in her ear, encouraging her to sit back down. He pushed aside his need for food to help Camila feel a little more comfortable about staying put to feed their son. As the server battled in his own mind what to do next, the couples’ friends spoke on their behalf. 

“We need a little more time. Give us ten more minutes please.” Tati said to the waiter. He nodded surely and tended to the rest of his section. 

“He’s gone, Camila. You don’t have to feel afraid anymore.” Sean jumped in. 

Camila and Andre both turned their heads to rejoin the group in a new discussion. 

“Yeah, don’t worry about anyone of these people in there. We understand. Feed your baby.” Jhessi and her man both showcased smiles in solidarity. 

“I just don’t want that guy to come back and say something.” Andre removed the bag from Cam’s shoulder and held onto the blanket momentarily. 

“He can eat a dick. You don’t owe any of us or the people who work here an explanation. Do what you have to. We got you. All three of you.” Tariq and Tiffany spoke simultaneously. 

Camila took one final look at her baby and couldn’t deny his demand for milk any longer. She got set up with Andre holding the blanket up to aid in her privacy. For a minute she struggled to get Jorden to latch on. When she sat back and relaxed, so did the baby. His eyes closed the second he got his first taste of milk since this morning. Taking a noticeably loud breath in and out Camila gathered her hair in one hand and tossed it behind her back. 

“Is he okay?” Andre tucked the blanket into the back of Camila’s sweater and fixed her earring. 

“He’s okay. Scratching me to death but he’s okay. Thank you.” She smiled feebly. 

Nodding and matching her smile Andre kissed the only hand she had free to move around. 

“Any advice for someone who might be trying to start a family?” Deon cleared his throat, picking up his glass. 

Andre tilted his head sideways, shocked at what he heard. “Y’all trying? He asked. 

Exchanging looks Deon and Ryan sipped their beverages. 

“What?” Andre gasped in surprise. “You’re serious? You want to be a dad? I thought kids were a deal breaker for you.”

Shrugging, Deon avoided making eye contact with anyone in the group. Ryan chose to plead her case despite the blush in her cheeks. “We’ve been talking about it but we haven’t come to a consensus on whether or not we really want to start a family or not. That’s why we were hopeful you two would be here to eat with us. We want some advice.” 

Relaxing a bit more, Camila cuddled the baby closely. 

“Go ahead. Be honest.” She nudged Andre’s arm to speak. 

“It’s an adventure. Nothing short of it. As far as advice and tips go...make sure you both want to be parents before there’s a baby. I can’t speak for Cam on what it’s like but what I can say is, being a dad is the most rewarding feeling I’ve ever experienced. There’s nothing better than having a small version of you and your lady molded into one human. They look up to for every single thing and that has its challenges alone but still, being a parent is pretty damn amazing.” Andre cheesed with pride just speaking of his children. 

“Being pregnant is unique for every woman. What I experienced and felt carrying Jorden is different than the next mother’s pregnancy. There are plenty of pros and cons but the final phase of the journey is life changing.” Cam added. 

The waitress returned alone this time ready to take on the missing food orders. Once she had verified what everyone wanted and promised to return as soon as possible. 

“How old y’all think she is?” Sean said. 

Everybody read each other’s facial expressions trying to come up with a unified answer. 

“My guess is late twenties.” Camila assumes first, rocking gently from side to side. 

“Nah I say she’s still in school. Maybe her second year in college.” This go round Tariq noticed the male server from across the room. “I swear if he has anything negative to say I’m gonna have some words for his ass.” 

Tiffany and the other women searched the restaurant not seeing the waiter. “Calm down Riq it’s not that serious. We don’t need to draw any attention to us just because that kid has a staring problem.”

“Exactly. Everyone just leave this and him alone.” Camila huffed. 

“Well...I think I can help clear down some of this frustration from the air. I want to make a toast.” Rising to his feet Sean held his empty beer bottle in the air earning a hearty laugh from his friends and the women. 

“Don’t you need at least a half full bottle or partially full to make this toast count?” Jhessi chuckled.

“Hush ya mouth girl and let me speak.” Pointing to Jhessi with a butter knife Sean dusted off his shoulder earning more laughs. 

“These friends of yours are something else.” Camila giggles, checking on Jorden once more. 

“I love these idiots. Is he still eating?” Andre scooted closer to his girl wanting to see their son in action. Nodding, Camila spread the blanket out exposing Jorden a tad more. “Aw if only we could trade places.” Andre’s cheeky smile earned him a teasing slap to the head. 

“Stop it. I don’t need any ideas put out there for anyone’s imagination to run wild.” Ending their sidebar, Camila and Andre partook in the ongoing toast. “So what are we roasting to, Sean?” She presumed. 

“Well I’m glad you asked. This toast goes to every single one of us for making it as far as we have. This goes to our friendships lasting this long and as far as God sees fit.” He paused to make direct eye contact with the guys. “Also, I want to make a celebratory toast to my man and his lady on their new addition to their family. I, as I’m sure the rest of us, will honor your family as our own. We will take care of and protect your kids as if they were ours when you are and aren’t present. He’s beautiful and I’m happy that his birthday was a success.” 

Everyone held their drinks up and unanimously agreed to the words Sean spoke. 

———— ———-

Waving her napkin in the air Camila turned away from the group not able to finish the last of her food. She’s too busy laughing her heart away at the awfully sexual joke the Tariq told. The reason she’s finding it so humiliating and humorous is because she and Andre have a personal connection to the filthy jest. 

Patting the back of his sleeping baby Andre swayed in a rhythmic manner, laughing just as hard but quietly. The entire group is weak at the knees and the elephant in the room just grew three sizes. 

Jorden suddenly erupted in tears causing a slight shift in mood at the table. Camila gathered herself and while still laughing she coddled her baby trying to decode why he’s upset. She grabbed his backpack and headed to the women’s restroom to change him. 

Back out on the main floor the adults ordered another round of drinks and food. The women placed a wage that each man could not order a meal they’ve never had and finish it entirely. Disagreeing with the statement the guys placed a double bet that their counterparts could not order a strong drink and finish it without complaining. 

Camila took care of her own bathroom needs, washed her hands and returned to her seat. She tried leaving Jorden in his car seat to get some more sleep but each time she back would away he cried. Rather than further agitating her baby she opted to rock him to sleep. Her efforts to sway him into another nap turned into another feeding session. The waitress arrived with the food and drinks and passed each person their correct order. 

“Cam, Dre mentioned that you only eat plants now. That true?” Deon quizzed, rounding up his fork with pasta. Ryan made him order this pesto pasta filled with a mix of vegetables. She purposely chose this dish due to the amount of veggies incorporated. Deon hates eating healthy so this bet will be a challenge for him. 

Everyone anxiously awaited for Deon’s reaction surprised that he likes the pasta. 

“This is actually pretty damn good.” Deon have his girlfriend a thumbs up and earned a pat on the back for stepping out of his comfort zone. 

“That’s true. I stopped eating meat shortly after I found out I was pregnant and I still can’t stand it. The smell of it used to give me the worst nausea but now I stay away from it and most of what I used to eat. For his benefit and mine.” Camila clarifies. 

“Does that help with the quality and quantity of your breast milk? That’s not too personal is it?” Ryan frantically looked around afraid that she had overstepped her boundaries a little. 

“No it’s fine. My change in diet definitely helps with both the taste and how much milk I pro-” in mid sentence Camila locked eyes with the server and the general manager. She has no idea that her waiter is getting the wrath of a lifetime from his boss about her current activity. Her once relaxed smile transformed into a hard expression that bothered Andre. 

“What’s wrong?” He asked, stroking her arm. 

Camila looked down under the blanket determined to pause her son’s meal. He didn’t initially seem bothered by the cut in milk supply but once his mother fixed her clothes and left the table, he was pissed. 

“Where is she going?” 

“Did she see something that we didn’t?” The group had all sorts of questions watching from afar as Camila started a conversation with the waiter. 

[CAMILA]

“I really don’t mean to come off like a bitch but for the love of God..stop staring at me. You’re bothering me and it’s extremely rude. What’s your problem?” I’ve tried so hard to keep my mouth closed but I’m at my breaking point. It’s not just the waiter who’s my problem anymore but it’s his boss too. 

His eyes shifted from my face and assuming the table. Or more so, Andre. 

“Excuse me but I need you to look at me when I’m talking.” I demanded gaining his focus again. “You,” I pointed to the younger guy. “You have been staring at me feed my child on and off and I’m not okay with that. And you,” now looking at the manager. “I can see you talking what I assume is about me from across the room. But instead you being professional and man enough to address me directly you talk to your employees instead. Where do you get off?” 

“Ma’am, you really need to calm down ok? No one was talking about you. I ju-”

“You just what? You what?” I breathed. 

“I think it’s inappropriate for you to be doing that in front of my customers. That’s all. We have a very nice bathroom that you and all of the other mothers can go to take care of any personal needs.” The sheer disgust on this mans face as he’s talking took me to level I’ve never been on before.

Not only am I infuriated for myself but for my newborn son who is completely defenseless. 

“Fuck you. Fuck you.” I made sure to pronounce every syllable so he could catch the attitude dripping off of me. “You’re a disgusting excuse for a manager, a man and a human being for trying to shame and humiliate me for doing my due diligence as a mother. My baby can’t help when he gets hungry and as his mother it’s my job to make sure he gets whatever he needs right away. So fuck you again and fuck your “very nice bathroom”. I’ll be damned if I force my baby to wait so I can go and hide from the world before he gets to eat. If I catch you talking about me one more time without coming to me up front I will ruin your day and you can count on that.” 

Not having anymore to say I turned around to go back to my family and friends. 

“Maybe if you had more self respect for you and your little baby not to whip your tit-”

I believe the devil himself took over my body as I felt myself spin around on my heels, walk over to this guy and backhand the hell out of him. It’s funny because it’s like God was guiding my brain to strike him with my right hand instead of my left. I wouldn’t dare cause damage to my ring on someone like this. He laid out clutching his cheek and spitting blood onto the floor in silence. 

“That’s for my son. Don’t ever disrespect me or any mother you come into contact with ever again. You people who sexualize what is completely innocent and natural is part of the problem in today’s society. A mother breastfeeding her baby is vital and you of all people should know that. After all you did come from a woman. But then again the devil might have created you instead.” Popping my wrist back into place I straightened out my sweater taking a glance at the waiter. 

He was staring into space with wide eyes and trembling hands. 

“Stay away from me or next time you won’t see the light of day again. That’s a threat and a promise. Your mom should’ve swallowed you, stupid bitch.” Walking away for good and back to my table I only heard the sound of me walking. Everyone was dead silent as I took Jo away from his father and placed him back in his stroller. No one, not even Dre, knew what to say while I rounded up the keys to his car and my bag. Not another word came from me as I peacefully left the building to go finish what I started. 

——-- ——--

“You sure you don’t want to talk about it?” He asked closing my door. 

Moving around him to get Jorden from the backseat I disagreed with the shake of my head. I’m not in a pleasant mood. Nobody I love is the problem. I'm just a tad embarrassed that stupid guy was pointing at me and saying god knows what to that server. Leaving the door open since I can’t slam it I went up to the front door and let myself in. My shoes came off and then I headed down to our bedroom. 

I really need a minute to calm down but I feel gross and the shower is calling out to me. After I rounded up some clothes to cover my entire body with I locked us in the bathroom. Jo and I were inside for over an hour. He had fallen asleep after I resumed his feeding from earlier granting me some kind of alone time. Feeling only a smidge better I wiped my hand across the glass to clear away the fog. As I stared at myself I reflected on earlier thinking of what my mom would say if she was here. 

My gut says that she would be proud that I stood up me and my baby. My gut also says that she would be disappointed in the way that I carried myself. I wasn’t raised to be violent but that man brought another side of me I never knew I had. Looking over my right shoulder I slouched forward and smiled weakly at how cute my baby is. Every minute of discomfort during my pregnancy and the pain of giving birth was more than worth it. Having my mom fly all the way in from Texas just to help me out while Andre was gone means the world to me. She was blessed with the opportunity to bond with her grandson from inside of me and I’m grateful for that. 

Just then he started wiggling around and scrunching up his face. His tiny lips were forming odd shapes as he made little spit bubbles. Selfishly I’m enjoying the show Jorden is putting on for me rubbing his face and poking himself in the eyes, nose, and lastly sucking on his fingers. 

“You will always be worth the fight my sweet boy. You and your sisters will forever be the reason I live and breathe.” 

Seeing the bathroom door open up and Andre walk through appearing upset, upset me. 

“You okay?” He asked me. 

Shrugging I tied my hair up out of my face. It’s time to get Jorden out of this car seat for the night. He’s been back and forth inside of it all day and I know he’s tired of feeling confined. “I’m a mix between embarrassed and pissed off.” Hugging Jo close to my chest I began taking off his top layer of clothes. “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you and everyone else. I can’t say that I didn’t intend to cause a scene because I knew very well what I was doing. That doesn’t change the facts by any means.” 

“You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m proud of you for sticking up for yourself and our baby. Although I wish our day went a lot smoother you don’t need to apologize to anyone, including me. You do not owe anyone an explanation. I’m sorry for how that guy spoke to you and for whatever he said. Don’t tell me because it’ll only make me mad that I can’t ruin his day more than you already have.” 

The rest of the evening I plan on spending time with my babies and their dad. Surrounding myself with my family will guarantee a change of heart and my spirit. The world will know my name and what I fight for if I ever get shamed for my responsibilities as a mother again. 

[punkscowardschampions]

Savannah & Jac

Savannah: 🙌 forced family time is cancelled 🙌 hallelujah Savannah: what are we doing? Jac: Celebrating that, obviously 😘 Jac: What excuse did you use and/or what's the sitch? Savannah: Give me a guest list because honestly does not need to turn into a downer as soon as Savannah: it was a great excuse though, taking a mental health moment Savannah: school has me INCREDIBLY stressed Jac: It should be ILLEGAL how hard they make us work, though, preach 👏 Jac: Is totally doesn't get it because she isn't in the top sets like us Jac: it 👏 is 👏 SO 👏 much 👏 more 👏 work 👏 Savannah: if her mother wasn't a teaching assistant, she'd be languishing in the bottom set Savannah: even she knows it Savannah: IMAGINE if she worked at ours Jac: Seriously, ugh, she's stressing me out rn actually Jac: some of us are trying to keep good skin over here, babe, please 😬😖 Jac: She would die, it'd be bad enough having your mum be a teacher, but a teaching assistant like... 🙈 I can't Savannah: you were GLOWING when I left you Savannah: what's she done now? Jac: ❤❤❤ Jac: this is why you CANNOT okay Jac: if we are partying, we need to have such a pamper sesh first, NO ONE but you can 👀 me like this, I swear Jac: it's so typical her Jac: like I love you but the drama, and she always makes it herself Jac: she's 💔 about that boy, the one that's friends with Xav? LIKE I'M SORRY, you didn't even LIKE him before but now he's NOT available to you, hmm 🤔 interesting 💅 Savannah: Baby girl I have got you, my auntie just got this shit imported that's like next level skincare Savannah: you'll look as beautiful to everyone else as you do to me Savannah: 🚫🚫 Is Savannah: I don't know what boy she means so he's obviously not all that important, my god Jac: 🙌 Come through Auntie!!! Jac: you are THE sweetest angel, like how did I even survive before you ??? Jac: 🙄 Serious! Jac: She's definitely mad I'm over it but like, we all have shit on our 🧠 and it's frankly way more important than this non-drama boy drama Jac: you weren't out there looking for sympathy and you're actually struggling, like, why can't she be more like you, and everyone else too, tbh 😘😘 Savannah: I'm religious about this one serum, you will be about ready to die seeing yourself afterwards Savannah: & so will everyone else we invite to this party Savannah: it's no wonder you're over it, she can't let a single thing go! The leggings incident being case in point, it happened such a long time ago Savannah: but she still has to be in my face about it Savannah: Like, sometimes depressed people are slightly thoughtless Savannah: let me live Jac: I'm SO here for this Jac: you wanna come over here? Jude is out and I can easily get rid of the others too Jac: FACTS Jac: you think she'd be more understanding Jac: someone who claims to have social anxiety, remember that too? Jac: WHERE THOUGH??? 😂 Jac: I'm so much quieter than her, like, it's such an excuse with her for when she embarrasses herself or doesn't want to do something Savannah: YES to everything! Savannah: & remember when she had too many shots at Laura's 15th Savannah: Say you think I'm faking it if that's what you think Savannah: I can't cry constantly, I don't look cute doing it Jac: You ALWAYS look cute and that's like all her issue Jac: it's really blatant Jac: babe, the insecurity, it's so sad 😥 Savannah: The last thing I want is for Ty to think that I'm upset because of him when he's the sweetest and the most understanding boo ever but that's clearly what she wants Savannah: he'd be so upset if he saw me cry Jac: ❤❤ such a good boy Jac: her jealousy is so out of control Jac: I wanna help her but how is lashing out at us, her ONLY friends, helpful? Jac: why should we, sometimes, honestly Savannah: every time I've suggested a work out, she shoots me down Savannah: I can't be any more helpful, it's really beneficial & you refuse to try Jac: it's pure laziness Jac: like you said, she'd be bottom everything if her mum didn't like DO her work for her Jac: 🙄 over it, like, lowkey don't even wanna invite her rn Savannah: we could have it at mine, you know what my family get like when there's too many people Savannah: it's not personal Isabelle, it's my mum's crazy acting up Jac: See if she's gonna pop off on your mum too, like Jac: Ugh, I dunno Jac: do we give her a chance to redeem herself? Savannah: The divorce hit hard, as well you know Is, that's why my auntie lives here Savannah: Ooh what kind of chance? Jac: She doesn't get anything about real life Jac: be lucky if her mammy and daddy let her come anyway 😏 Jac: I'm thinking, okay, don't judge me for this 🙊🙊🙊 Savannah: never Savannah: you're perfect Jac: love ❤❤ Jac: So, she's made her bed by acting all salty about this boy, yeah? So, for all this nonsense, I think she needs to invite Shane and let me have him Jac: because she can't POSSIBLY be into him really if she's still hung up on this other boy? Like, that's not fair Savannah: she would string him along but we're not letting her Savannah: There's no way Shane deserves that Savannah: he doesn't deserve you either because WHO could but if you want him Jac: and actually me and him have way better chats and so much more in common Savannah: he's told Ty endless amounts about how much he likes you, bear with, I'll show you Jac: He's really cute, right? Jac: 🤭 oh my god, babe Savannah: [a million screenshots that you don't deserve to have, get off your man's phone hoe] Jac: 1000% saving them Jac: she'll act so pressed but he wants me anyway, what are you gonna do? FORCE him? 🙄 girl, STOP 🛑 Savannah: ^^ 👏 Savannah: remember when she kept walking away from Aaron & he told her to stop & like TOUCHED her arm, she acted like he grabbed her or something Savannah: double standard there Jac: OMG yes Jac: like, I swear she wants to RUIN these boy's lives, who hurt her? 🤔 it's not cute, cannot deal with girls like that 🙅 Savannah: Let the boy speak Savannah: my dad left & I'm not taking it out on my boyfriend Jac: ^^ the immaturity Jac: we're out here trying to grow and heal and be the best versions of ourselves we can be Jac: and she just... 😑 I can't Savannah: she needs Jesus & we're closer to Buddhists 👌💅 Jac: Literally Jac: IMAGINE if I was still stuck with just her and Amelia Anderson, please Jac: actually saved me 🙏🙌😇❤ Savannah: Honey, NO I will not think about it Savannah: I swear you're my soulmate Jac: It's SO true Jac: no one else is on our level, I swear Jac: you just get it Savannah: who was I & what was I doing before I knew you? Savannah: it hurts my heart to even think about past me Jac: Me too 🥺 Jac: but no one is ever gonna fuck with you again, I swear Jac: least of all Is, that's that 👋 Savannah: now I am crying Savannah: I love you Jac: I love you too Jac: we're totally taking my dad's best 📷 and having a MOMENT Jac: the world has gotta see how good we look after our skincare vibes Savannah: everything I ordered during my midnight madness has arrived & there's a dress I'm giving to you Savannah: Shane will die Jac: You are the MOST generous, best best friend ever, I can't even Savannah: how do you want your make up because we can do barely there since you'll be 🌟✨ Savannah: or you can make a statement that you're ready to go all in for him and bring that effort Jac: What do you think? Savannah: You never have to go hard with your 😇 face Savannah: there's no flaws to hide Jac: 😚😚😚 okay then Jac: that's the mood Jac: like I'm not crazy 💕 on him, or anything but he's sweet, we could be cute Jac: not as cute as you and Ty, of course 😘 Savannah: You'll feel it when you feel it Savannah: if you forced it you'd be like Is Jac: 😱😱 NEVER Savannah: she's trying to start a conversation with me Savannah: I don't want this Jac: Oh my GOD Jac: and when does she ever Jac: bet she wants to bitch about me Savannah: Yeah totally Savannah: Who does she think I am? You're my everything Jac: You can see if she does though, play along Savannah: She's started unprompted! Savannah: 'What's Jac's problem with me? Why's she being like this' Savannah: Let me say hello Jac: Wow, like, where's the 'how are you?' but I'm the rude one 🤷 Savannah: Are you okay JJ? Savannah: this is so unnecessarily mean girl of her Jac: Like, I'm so unsurprised but Jac: what's my problem, why is it MY problem suddenly Savannah: ^^ Savannah: [screenshots screenshots screenshots lol] Savannah: she's the one with all the issues, look Jac: 🙄🙄 how much of this did you just say to my face, babe? Jac: if you can't then maybe you should keep it to yourself Savannah: I feel sad Jac: 😿 Jac: we can't let her ruin our night with whatever negativity she's trying to bring rn Savannah: if she's not bringing your boy to you I don't want her around me Savannah: she has to Jac: Like, seriously, do we even invite you? Jac: Ty knows Shane Jac: I was being a good friend and essentially asking for her blessing but why when it just gets thrown in my face like this Savannah: She doesn't deserve to be your friend Jac: It does feel that way 😟 Jac: just so glad I have you Savannah: It can be the 4 of us, you'll feel so much better Jac: I think so Jac: just not in that party mood now Savannah: I'm gonna pamper you & then Shane will too, that's the mood now Jac: 😍🙏 Jac: thank you so much Jac: that's what I need rn, forget her Savannah: She can cry all she wants, I'm not interested Savannah: we're gonna have the best time Jac: We always do Jac: especially when she's not there draining our energy Savannah: Come over whenever Savannah: Ty's got basketball & then he'll be standing in front of the mirror forever post shower taking selfies Savannah: if I wasn't so secure I'd be worried about the time he spends photographing his muscles Jac: his ❤ and 👀 are on 🔒 Jac: bless him Savannah: I can't imagine being with anyone else Savannah: if he leaves me I'll be joining my mum as a wreck who stays in bed constantly Jac: He never will Jac: he's not INSANE Savannah: am I too much? I feel like I have that gene Jac: Oh please Jac: he's rightly obsessed with you Jac: you're so gonna be together forever and get married and have all the cute babies Savannah: They would be the cutest Savannah: I hate not being from a big, close family like yours Savannah: I'm gonna make one Jac: Hey, you're my sister Jac: soulsisters, right, no matter what Savannah: Yes! Savannah: We're gonna be together forever too Savannah: & our babies will grow up as best friends Jac: That will be the best Jac: I wish we'd known each other from being babies too Jac: you were so sweet omg 🥺 Savannah: Shoutout to your dad for taking the perfect amount of pictures of how perfect you've always been Savannah: 👼🏻 Jac: Some of them are so cringe though 😒😂 Jac: thanks so much, dad 👌 Savannah: my dad's head has been ✂ out of all of ours Savannah: what could be more cringe? Savannah: my mum can literally never stop herself Jac: do you have any you managed to save? Savannah: I have some she didn't know were in my room Jac: that's good Jac: you could do something with them Jac: or, failing that ✂ her head out Savannah: Will you help me? Savannah: you're like the most artistic person I've ever met Jac: Of course I will Jac: we could make a frame out of 🌷 🌹 🌺 🌸 🌼 🌻 Savannah: OH Savannah: I love that Jac: Right? Kind of everything Jac: we could get one of those fake garlands to hang all our polaroids on too Savannah: 🥰 Savannah: this is why you're in top set for everything Jac: Awh, I just like beautiful things Jac: that's why we're best friends Savannah: you're SUCH a beautiful thing Savannah: I hope you know Jac: Thanks to you Jac: NEVER gonna let you forget ❤ Savannah: Do you need a lift? My auntie is asking because she loves you too Jac: 😭😭 family of 😇s Jac: yes please 😘 Savannah: 10 minutes, baby

[disabled-queen-hc-blog]

A queen member dealing with schizophrenia?

Oof, this is a loaded one for a lot of reasons. Back in the 60′s and 70′s, schizophrenic people were not treated well at all. To think of any of the boys going through the psychiatric system during that era makes me wanna cry.

But for you anon, I’ll pull through.

Going off of personalities, I think John would be more likely to develop schizophrenia. He was the most mentally chaotic of the four.

So, he’s fresh out of school, working hard in college, just got into a band called Queen. Life is really good. He’s having so much fun.

But young adulthood brings so many stresses, he didn’t even notice it at first.

He gets anxious a lot. He’s always been an introvert, so maybe it’s that. Nervous around people and stuff. It’s no big deal though. Everyone gets anxious. And with Mother Freddie always hovering around him, it’s a non issue, really. 

Until it becomes an issue. His anxiety seems to never sleep. He feels like his brain is turning to mush.

He’s forgetting things a lot. He loses track of what he’s saying. Words are harder to get out of his mouth.

Maybe it’s all the partying. 

He cuts back on clubbing, but it keeps getting worse. He’s scared now, scared all the time.

It’s at this time hallucinations pop up. That’s it, he thinks. I’ve lost my mind. He see’s these dark shapes floating in his vision. As time progresses, they grow more and more humanoid.

He thought it can’t get worse than that. Unfortunately it does.

He starts losing his sense of self. Things are getting confusing, difficult.

It’s one day talking to the band members that they notice.

“I told her she could put it where the sun don’t shine,” Roger said with a cackle, throwing back another beer.

John began to sob. He thought he was laughing, but these heart breaking sobs came out of him.

“Sun. Fun. Run. Gun. Sun. Sun. She has the sun. She has it. It. It. It!” he blubbered out, in an oddly cheerful voice, even though tears were streaming out of his eyes.

The other’s were gobsmacked. Was the boy high off of some new party drug?

They decided they’d all stay over the night to help him through this weird high, but by morning, he’s the same.

“Gwerm. Gwermu! Injum. Inajer,” John said, laughing but the other four weren’t.

Maybe he had a gas leak in his house. They went to his flat and immediately, they began to worry.

His house was a mess. Things were strewn about. Socks were in the sink. Hair brushes hung from tape on the ceiling. 

John wasn’t okay. John needed help. This was more than just a gas leak. Something was happening in John’s brain. How they all ignored it for so long…they felt horrible. What shitty friends they were. That’s what they thought at least.

They tried to have a sit down talk with John but he didn’t understand and they didn’t understand him. John giggled and would run off while Freddie asked him questions. He’d hold on to Brian and cry. He’d point at Roger and squeal. 

He wasn’t in any position to be reasoned with.

They all cried a lot when they brought John to the hospital with his parent’s blessing. They heard the horror stories. But what could three 20-somethings do to help him? They were against a wall and a hard place.

His time in the ward isn’t something he talks about. Electroconvulsive Shock Therapy and horrible medications were used on him. It was a very difficult and traumatic time for him that only a select few know about.

All the while, he did have a strong support system. Queen visited often as did his family. 

He came back different but out of his psychotic episode.

After that, everyone tried really hard to keep him balanced and healthy. He moved in with Roger, who vowed to be the utmost good influence on John. He went to therapy. He took his medication. He learned coping mechanisms. He played with the band, but to a lesser degree than he had hoped.

Medication back then was more experimental than not. He did end up having a few more psychotic episodes through the years, but he refused to go to hospital. Not after the first time.

They managed though. His family was so supportive and took excellent care of him. He had social workers to check in on him.

For the time period, it wasn’t bad.

Of course, times change and things progress. Medications and therapies improved, support grew.

John only blossomed and shone brighter through the decades. He would always be a little fragile, avoiding movie theaters because the unreality was hard to cope with and other things like that, but he could function. He lived alone and kept a lovely little home. He dated and hung out with friends. He was happy and healthy. 

Schizophrenia is life long but with enough help, love and understanding, anyone can thrive with it. John’s a beautiful example of that. When on stage with Queen, nobody would know that decades before, he had lost his grasp on reality. All they saw was a star.

[toosarcasticstudent]

Lost Calendar

Ironic enough to lose your satanic settlements to the unholy masters of subtle distress. Vague thoughts of our minds have blinded us in the social dilemma of being right. Out of my order of discretion, but someone sometimes has to jump out of their mental state of being in love and be a part of ruth reality. 

'LOVE', apparently a word with a humongous definition carrying all the meaning of life but metaphorically it has evolved to be of a low morale. All social intelligent fools claim love to be as underrated as it is overrated. Indeed it's a beautiful feeling but it brings all the virtues of life in a legitimate way to criminalize one's mentality. 

It was winter 2019 when I was falling for someone, an angel of my dreams. It was like all the mystic forces of this holy and unholy universe were in our favors and all the falling stars prayed for us to be together. 

None had any idea it was a rat trap with cheese tempting to be a prey of a toxic authority which was going to rule over us. It was all gloomy at that glance. Lilies were showering over us sunflowers were glooming facing us although we were 2800 kms apart but none of that mattered. How romantic it could be when you waited hours, days and at times even weeks for just a video call since my angel's family had no idea how the roses were blessing our love. And soon here we were, vacations and our chance to finally meet after 2 months. Tons of plans to meet daily, spend our day together, enjoy the festivities of the moment together and yes, it all worked out. We did exactly as we planned. Although we had small fights, well love is incomplete if you don't fight. Isn't it? It was a moment to cherish and celebrate in the heavenly Garden which was her heart for me. And soon we started to know each other's families. I sometimes wonder how small things can cheer you up in a way like none other can. She just told her sister and my heart pumped out of happiness to be a part of her family. My whole family knew about her since day one. It was soon time when we were all in a global pandemic situation. World was dying and locked up in their houses but good for us, we had more time to stay together. Our houses were merely 3 kms apart. Even though it was locked down all around, no entities could stop us from meeting. It was not difficult at all to arrange a travel pass to roam around the whole city without any restrictions for me since I was working in distribution of masks. But our fights took a different turn then, my angel never sounded so unholy, she started to sound then but who cares when you are in love right? Everything is fair in love. She even tried to cheat on me once then but why should it matter to me. I was blinded with a flower bind of love. We resolved that issue with a love bind that would never be an option again. I could never imagine if I could love someone or something like my angel. I went out of my way to be a servant to her desires. Be it her, her sister, her sister's boyfriend, her brother, her friends or anyone related to her, I made sure I was always there to be at service. Soon this became quotidian, she demanded for stuff and if by any reason I couldn't fulfil it, my family was the one to face her wrath with all the ruthless words one could bear. But it was love right? And everything is fair in love? I didn't even bother to give that a thought and let it be as it was. My angel was my whole world and she could never be wrong. I took all of it in her innocence since she was 2 years younger to me. Since I was head over heels in love with my angel and wanted her all to me so indeed it was quite obvious to be possessive towards her and in my case, I was over possessive. My typical problem was having problems with all her guy friends and because of this she lost almost all of her friends. And why should I not practice such an awful act of drifting her away from her friends, she tried to cheat on me once. Although I was very wrong doing that. I even tried to stop her from wearing dresses. You know, typical Indian orthodoxic thinking, but no, I didn't stop her to do that because of my sick old school mentality but because we were in a small town and considering our reputation in the town makes her at a risk of facing worse things. The Cinderella of my dreams never understood this and we fought and fought over the short intervals regarding the same. Nevertheless, it is pretty normal to have arguments in a relationship and even more normal to get it to the end where my dream girl shatters all my emotions by abusing me and my family. She never resisted doing such things even while having a small friendly argument. But who cares when everything is sugar coated in the love you feel for someone. Over the period of time, we had so many small fights until November, to be precise, November her, while approaching her birthday. Let me rewind our story to October end, when I traveled all the way from Dubai to Gwalior, traveling 13 hours overnight just to surprise her to celebrate my birthday with her. We also had plans to celebrate Diwali together and I didn't want to miss that chance as it was our first Diwali together. On my birthday, it was just us both planning a fancy lunch date and the only thing expected from her was to wear a dress of my choice, while she was the one always fighting with me to wear such dresses. Guess what?, my barbie didn't give me that as my birthday gift. But okay, all I did was travel all the way from one country to another to celebrate my birthday with her, it was not even a big deal, wearing that dress was obviously one. Anyway, it was a pretty good time celebrating festivals together except for the fact that I lost my dog in a road accident which took place just in front of my eyes. She tended to be there for me then as my princess but the princess seldom had a slip of tongue to taunt me on his death while I still am suffering from the PTSD of losing him even after 7 months of the accident. Yeah, so her birthday, November end. I wanted to celebrate her birthday party with me but being stuck in Dubai it was nearly impossible for me to travel back then. I tried to convince my darling girl to celebrate it with me, while I will be back to her in 15 days after her birthday and promised her to celebrate it with a bash. All in vain, as she was the queen of her dreams, she celebrated it without me. We had quite a few arguments over this but all I was in dreamy love. I had plans to travel back to India in January 1st week but rescheduled my trip to December end just to be there to pick her up from her school's farewell party. After all Cinderella needed a ride home. It was a mess anyway, I didn't like her being so close to any other guy in the pictures, and we almost broke up. 

That day was the beginning of the end of our gloomy love story. Since then, we had fights every single day, every single time, from talking to every single moment of our day to not talking for 2-3 days. She kept on blocking me everywhere quite often but it didn't actually stop me from loving her. I kept on begging her not to do this but nothing could convince my doll. I came back to Dubai and only texts she used to send me were to end things up since she claimed that she never wanted this relationship and was just bored enough during lockdown to get out of this relationship. It was like the heavenly garden was opening the doors of hell for me. 

One day, I broke all the couth ethics and invaded the privacy of my barbie. I spied on her to find that a guy was flirting with her and she was entertaining it. Losing my mental peace, I asked her to block him immediately to get the denial of it. After confronting her about it, to my astonishment she decided to end things with me and chose to bad mouth me to that guy. We didn't talk for a few days which brought me to deep desperation. We fixed things up for the time being and I promised to never spy on her again. 

It was not going very good between but my angel was all in a mood to shatter things up, she called me up one day to tell that she was going out with her friends to a party in which there would be a guy who had a thing with her in the past and I obviously didn't like that guy but I knew my angel would never break my trust. And the next thing I knew was her sending me snaps hugging him. My heart almost pumped out after seeing that, she was quite drunk that day. I was on my way to see the doctor since I was feeling anxious when she called me up to tell me that I was never the love of her life but that guy was. This led to my immediate breakdown and next thing I knew was my friends rushing me to the emergency ward of a hospital while me being temporarily paralyzed lying on a wheelchair because of the anxiety attack. My parents, 2800 kms away from me, were worried about me. This brings to an obvious notice that my mom asked one of my friends to text my doll with all the rage to stay away from me. This brought to the end but I didn't want to. We still talked and tried to fix things. I don't know what was she upset about but since she was my princess, she had all the rights to. 

I tried convincing her of my failures and one fine day she called me up and told me that she loves me and wants to get back. I was more than happy with that thought but my possessive soul wanted me to spy more on her. I found her flirting around with three different guys and almost getting into a relationship with them. It was the worst nightmare coming true. I told her that I know about all this which left her all in tears and apparent guilt or was my barbie just shedding crocodile tears? We thought of giving it a break for a few days just to get over the trauma of what happened and the fun part was nothing made her fix her mistakes but to make things worse. She met the brother of one of those guys in his home and also went out with different guys during that course of time. I never wanted to be a villain to my princess but I couldn't control myself then. I unleash my wrath upon her which left her leaving behind all of her friends just to show me that she is trying to fix all of that. 

Very next day, my doll's sister called me up to show her anger towards me for bringing her sister into depression. Ironically it was all my fault. Perhaps it could be, since she is my princess. It was all going reverse then, it was her who was trying her best to get back with me and fix things up but the extent of damage had crossed all the boundaries until then. It was not easy to let go of my mind what happened and I realized to be the King of my vision and let things go off. Although I didn't want to, I wanted to be a part of my life always but this could not have been possible now. It was all gone. My princess scattered from a beautiful snake to a butterfly and flew away. I wonder if it was not love then what was it? 

Seduction of human adorable life is worth more than thousand wonders available in this social dance of human disaster. 

All of this broke me into a thousand pieces, seeing my goddess oh heaven turn into queen of hell. I never cried for anything in my life, but her. She made me fall into tears every single day. The beauty of this love story was that it never existed. Towards the end, it was me who sent my metaphoric doll tons of voice recordings while I was crying out loud in literal tears and loud noises to stop doing this to me and bind our souls, she was unaffected but expected me to be responsive when she shed her apparent tears. 

Sometimes, life is not fair, people come into your life to define what your legit life could be. My dreams of starring her in the blockbuster film of my life shattered at once. I am left alone once again in this cruel democratic world. My eyes rolling down to find true love, my heart struggling to accept that love exists. My brain demotivates me to open up while my soul still knows, someone, somewhere, out there will come to rescue this dying soul in the fertility of Satan, seduced by demons. In this spherical ball of billions of entities, my life revolves in a box of love with limiting down my mental interaction with those who love, while I crave for someone who can be a part of my little, cuddly world.

[ezatluba]

Pandemic Pet Therapy: What's So Special About A Critter Friend?

November 22, 2020

Karen McCullough never wanted a dog. "It would have tied me down, and I had a great, very busy life," she says.

Her career as a keynote speaker at conferences has taken her across the U.S., Canada and Mexico. "My job is to get everybody engaged, excited and ready to network," she says.

McCullough loved the travel — "cool hotels and not worrying about having anything at home," she says. "I don't even have any live plants in the house." As she sailed into 2020, she expected her best year yet.

Then "BOOM" — everything stopped, including conventions and conferences. The pandemic "took my life away," she says.

Karen McCullough found a way to alleviate the loneliness that was starting to sink in. "Rosie has been like this magnet; she's attracting me to people and it's good."

Karen McCullough

Living alone in Houston, she started feeling the stress — anxious and worried about money. On top of that, she couldn't see her three grandkids who live nearby. "I'm such an extrovert and it's just been crazy and hard."

The surprising solution, for McCullough and many other Americans in 2020, was often furry, with four feet: a pet dog or cat.

First, her son and his wife adopted a puppy. McCullough decided to do the same, quietly hoping that if she got a puppy, the grandkids "would want to come and visit me in the front yard." On Labor Day, 8-week-old Rosie, a Wheaten terrier, arrived.

Rosie opened a new world to McCullough — within just a few blocks. Strangers became new friends. "I know all my neighbors now," she says. "We have a routine and she gets me out there; we walk three times a day!"

The loneliness that had started to sink McCullough as the pandemic wore on is gone. "Rosie has been like this magnet; she's attracting me to people and it's good."

And there's some science to back up McCullough's feelings. Research from Australia finds the "pet factor" does bring people together in helpful ways: Pet owners are more likely to get to know people, form friendships and get the social support humans need.

Psychologist Lori Kogan, a professor of veterinary medicine at Colorado State University and chair of the Human-Animal Interaction Section of the American Psychological Association, has been cataloging stories like McCullough's during the pandemic.

Kogan and colleagues from Washington State University, University of San Francisco and Palo Alto University did two anonymous online surveys via social media to current pet owners — one regarding cats and another asking about dogs. The surveys asked participants to share their thoughts, experiences and concerns amid the pandemic.

They found a significant number of people reported feeling they have less social support from friends and family now than before COVID-19 spread across the U.S. For many, their pets have played a critical role in helping reduce feelings of depression, anxiety, isolation and loneliness in these tough months.

Pets, Kogan says, are "a respite from the difficulties of life" and provide their human companions "an outlet to give." And while relationships with friends and family can be fraught, she says, "relationships with animals are simple."

Here are more stories of pet owners discovering animal companions can be the unsung therapists of these difficult times:

Get up and get moving: Dr. Gregory Brown and Kai

Dr. Gregory Brown is a psychiatrist in Austin, Texas, and a spokesperson for the American Psychiatric Association. Brown says he has been seeing an increase in anxiety, insomnia and depression among patients he has counseled in the past six months. "People are definitely dealing with economic stressors, a hard time with money, and with just being idle" — not getting out of the house much.

A dog "nudging at your foot or barking because they want to go for a walk" can be a real motivation every day to get out and get moving, he says. And that's good emotionally as well as physically. "We know physical activity can help reducedepression."

Kai has kept Dr. Gregory Brown out and about with a 6:30 a.m. wake-up call ... "when she's not busy eating up my wife's favorite pair of shoes."

Gregory Brown

Though Brown says he's a fairly active guy, he found the reduced structure of these pandemic days meant he was getting to bed a bit later, getting up a bit later and sometimes letting his exercise schedule slide.

Then, about a month ago, he and his wife decided to adopt a 10-month old golden retriever/lab mix named Kai. Now, every day starts with her wake-up bark around 6:30 a.m., returning some sense of structure to their lives.

And Brown says that he spends at least some time outside daily, jogging and walking and that helps make the days seem "a bit more normal."

"She's just been a joy to be around when she's not busy eating up my wife's favorite pair of shoes," he says.

Breaking through the isolation: Karol Kullberg and Molly

As a psychiatric social worker in Rockville, Md., Karol Kullberg has spent most of her work life in a small room, listening to patients face to face — work she finds rewarding and fulfilling, she says. When the pandemic hit, she was able to work from home — a blessing in some ways, but not others. Offering therapy online, via telehealth appointments, has been convenient, Kulberg says, but she also finds it isolating and somewhat alienating.

"It's intensely stressful — I think for everyone," she says. "Certainly for patients as well as therapists, who weren't particularly technologically adept or even comfortable using Zoom or other platforms."

Reading patients' facial expressions and body language can be more difficult she says, and without colleagues to talk to in between therapeutic sessions, "you're very aware that you are suddenly working in a vacuum." Kullberg doesn't say she's lonely. She says it's more like being "profoundly alone."

By the end of March when it became clear that staying at home would be the norm for quite a while, she decided to adopt a dog.

Enter Molly, a 5-year-old terrier mix who "came right into my home, was perfectly well-behaved, perfectly housebroken, and even welcomed my cat — who didn't return the favor."

For Kullberg, Molly was "like getting something you didn't know you missed; you forgot how wonderful it was to have something you didn't notice until all of a sudden it's there again."

She finds Molly an extremely comforting presence, "like having somebody's arm around your shoulder without having to say anything. Sort of like a dance partner you don't have to teach; they just figure it out."

Today, Kullberg says she no longer feels alone. "I get up in the morning and Molly curls up in her bed and we go to work."

A source of joy amid grief: Peggy Pacy & Emmet

"My glorious chow chow mix died at the end of January and I was heartbroken" says Peggy Pacy, who initially planned to let some time pass before getting another dog. But, "a heart needs to love," she says, "and I started looking."

At the end of February she adopted a large and fluffy Great Pyrenees mix — she named him Emmet. It was just before lockdown in Washington, D.C., where Pacy lives and works as an independent producer of commercials. Emmet arrived "just in time" says Pacy, who lives alone. "No question, it's very easy to go down the dark path in the world we're in today."

Early on in the pandemic, the first three minutes of every morning would start with a "mild panic" she says. But then a "giant white paw lands on my shoulder and I wonder if it is possible to literally feel serotonin," she says, referring to one of the neurotransmitters thought to help stabilize mood.

Emmet spends much of his time chasing flies, unearthing clothing Pacy had forgotten she owned, and making friends with neighborhood kids — just watching him is diverting, she says. "All day long the kids drop by and yell for Emmet."

Even in times of despair, Emmet makes a difference. "I'm standing in my front hall, lost in thought ... wondering if I will ever work again, if my small business loan will be approved, if I will have to sell my house. And then, gazing in the direction of my couch, Emmet decides that a long slow back flip to the floor is in order." His antics pierce the grief and remind her to stay in the moment, she says — " be grateful for what I have."

Pacy has a Post-it on her door that says: "I have health insurance; my cabinets are full of food; I have a home; I have Emmet. This makes me happy."

A new focus to replace anxiety: Devin Green and Taco

Taco has kept Devin Green busy and her anxiety at bay. "I'm consumed with him more than the worries in my mind."

Devin Green

Devin Green, a small business consultant and life coach, who lives in Portland, Maine, started looking for a dog to adopt in May. After many false starts, a close friend helped her find the dog of her dreams, a miniature goldendoodle (a cross between a golden retriever and a small poodle).

Taco has "changed my life in ways I never expected," says Green. As he grows, his puppy fur is getting replaced by adult dog fur which can get matted. So Green brushes him nightly, giving — and recieving — needed physical touch. "If I'm having a bad day, he's very warm and snuggly."

She sometimes struggles with anxiety, she says, and soothing the pup's needs helped her get beyond that. "I'm consumed with him more than the worries in my mind," she says. "My brain space is now taken up by something far more productive than it used to be."

Green says she used to panic a little if she didn't have plans for the day, but Taco has introduced her to the neighborhood and helped her feel more a part of the community. Every morning, they walk to the nearby fire station — a big loop, Green says. "The fire station is his favorite place."

Taco runs inside and "loves on all the firefighters and they love him back. I had never even spoken to any of them before but now we're all buddies."

Choosing the right pet for you: advice from the "falcon whisperer"

As executive director of the Abu Dhabi Falcon Hospital in the United Arab Emirates, veterinarian Dr. Margit Gabriele Muller is known as her nation's "falcon whisperer." But her love for animals is thoroughly inclusive. She is the author of a new book, Your Pet, Your Pill: 101 Inspirational Stories About How Pets Can Lead You to a Happy, Healthy and Successful Life.

A falcon wouldn't be the right choice for everyone, Muller notes. "Falcons are good for people who can be extremely dedicated, adhere to strict time schedules and have a great understanding of the falcons' special needs and requirements," she says, noting that dogs, too demand the right kind of human companion.

"It's of utmost importance to find the right pet according to the person's personality, as well as personal circumstances and environment," she says. "This means if you don't have much time and you live in a very small apartment, a dog is not suitable for your lifestyle, and a cat, bird, rabbit or fish would be better for you."

All pets — dogs, cats, fish, rabbits, birds, snakes and, yes, falcons — can help people overcome numerous emotional and physical challenges, Muller says. And certainly during the global pandemic, when people are feeling locked down, isolated and lacking in human connection, pets can make a world of difference.

Just playing with a pet for five minutes or petting the animal for five minutes can reduce blood pressure and increase hormones associated with contentment research suggests.

Oxytocin, sometimes called the "bonding hormone" or "cuddle hormone," is oftenreleased with a gentle touch. And it's not just humans who benefit from increased oxytocin levels — dogs do too.

When you develop a bond with an animal companion, Muller says, you often get someone who "loves you unconditionally, who is there for you 24 hours a day, who doesn't mind how you look today," she says. "They are just there to love you and this brings a tremendous benefit for the entire family."

Withdrawn kids may particularly benefit. One family, she says, told her their son was always on the computer or iPad before they brought home a pet. Now he doesn't stop talking — about the pet.

"Once you plant that seed in children and they love animals and learn how to care for them, they learn responsibility," she says — skills that will prove incredibly valuable as they grow up.

[lavender-montgomery]

ramble tw: ed,depression, psychosis and anxiety mention

Really hating being at home at the moment, I take any excuse to go out for as long as I can. I just stayed two nights at my best friend’s house, I wish I stayed longer. There’s this chick I’m talking to who means a lot to me but I can’t see her atm bc of the virus. She doesn’t have it (thank god) she’s being careful which is fair enough, but it’s hard not meeting up with her when all I wanna do is be around her and be cute and hear her voice. 

My Mam is really unwell and it’s not looking good, I am very anxious about it. I can’t see her or talk to her much at the moment. 

I’ve decided to finally do stuff I really wanted to do that my ex didn’t allow, such as more piercings (I took most of mine out) and FINALLY getting a mullet. Also planning my next tattoo as it has been so long since I’ve had new ink. Feels good to be getting back to how I used to look, feels like me again, I changed myself so much for my ex and I just wasn’t me at all

It also feels good to not be denying my sexuality anymore, it used to get me super down

I’m in a really weird mood at the moment, I feel empty yet sad and heavy and anxious. About me mam, my ex, I’m worried I’ve fucked up with someone, sad about my sister, anxious about living arrangements 

That’s another thing, living arrangements. I’m really looking forward to living alone and doing what I want with my tiny ass flat, but the building itself and area I live in is dangerous so living here alone is scary. I’ve become very jumpy especially at home, if someone even unlocks the door it scares me a lot and I am constantly on edge. A lot of bad stuff happens here which has given me this extreme anxiety of being here. I know I could move, but I love the flat itself and it’s near places I wanna work. I suppose I’ll see how it goes living by myself and if it’s too bad then I will look at moving. I’m not gonna lie, my building looks like the crack den Cumberbatch’s Sherlock was staying at. It’s a mess. But my flat itself is nice so I don’t mind.

I just wanna be alone, listen to music, do some art and cuddle my cat.

The lass I’m talking to got me a Pooh plush which made me stupidly happy and I’ve not put him down

I’m getting fish soon and more plants, turning my flat into my happy place

You ever get days where your mental illness just hits you full force? Today is one of those days with my depression and my psychosis and anorexia has been bad again. It’s my own fault, I’m not taking my meds and my ex would get angry at me - but I’m not taking them BECAUSE of my psychosis, my main hallucination which I posted about on here when I first started this blog. It’s a tough cycle that I know I gotta break, I just don’t have the strength or willpower to do that right now.

It’s weird when my anorexia gets bad. It’s very sad, it controls me, I feel physically unwell and it brings my other mental illnesses to light. At the same time, it makes me happy, when I go a while without eating and I feel that burning in my chest and throat and I’m shaky, I feel like congratulating myself for doing so well. It makes me happy knowing I can do it again, and honestly? The only bad thing I can see happening about living alone is my anorexia properly returning long term. I’m torn, part of me is so excited for that, but I’ve also done so well these past few months with my eating. It’ll be worth it when I look better. I wish I looked how I did when I was 18, looking at old pictures makes me sad. I was so, so skinny. I looked ill, my skin was white, I was so weak. The worst part is I’d get praised for how ‘fantastic’ I looked and people would ask me for weight loss advice, which of course only fueled it. Why did no one help me? Why was it unnoticed and not cared about? I couldn’t shop in town as barely anywhere sold my size clothes and the few times I would find my size the range would be so limited. I had to get my clothes sent over from Japan or wear stuff oversized which only made me look tinier. At the time I didn’t want help or for people to know, but looking back I’m wondering why the fuck no family or close friends other than my ex said anything or helped. It got to the point I would be wearing clothes for nine year olds, which I was incredibly proud of. Yet another thing I’m torn about, it was one of the worst times of my life dealing with that but at the same time... I looked the best I’ve ever looked. Skinny, pale, short hair, piercings, getting tattoos, I dressed nice. I still dress the same I suppose but it doesn’t look as good because I’m fat. Despite it being an awful time, I’d give anything to go back to it overnight. I’ll get there, it’s gonna be slow and it’s gonna take a lot out of me. I’ll look like me again eventually. Do I wanna do it? Who knows. 

I’ve been having sensory overload a lot more recently, it’s starting to become an issue. It doesn’t help that my ex gets angry at me and yells, doesn’t let me have quiet and makes it worse. I almost cry begging him to just please don’t talk to me and don’t move near me, but for some reason every time it happens he insists on yelling and swearing at me, getting in bed next to me watching videos on his phone, moving about on the bed messing about with the duvet and he brings his cat who gets in my face and has the loudest purr I have ever heard come from a cat. All this when I am having a sensory overload moment is a nightmare, it’s so frustrating and he makes me feel so stupid for it. He tells me I’m stupid and pathetic. Maybe I am, I don’t know. I’m not diagnosed autistic or anything but apparently I show a lot of traits of it. My ex tells me I’m autistic, he uses it to insult me. Even now, I’m trying to distract myself posting this as I haven’t had a long vent about everything for ages, I’ve asked him to just give me a few minutes to myself and he’s going on at me to clear the bed so he can get in it as he ‘wants bedtime’. It’s 5:30PM, he could always clear the bed himself but he makes me do it. 

Ah, my disability. It’s getting bad again - what isn’t? I’ve only used my wheelchair once since the breakup because I’m unable to push myself in it, I need someone to push me, but it isn’t Lukas’ thing to do anymore. He pushed me the other morning when we went to ASDA. I’ve been in a lot of pain recently, my ex has a go at me for going out if I’m gonna come home in pain and not do things like make myself food when he says or clear the bed for him. He tells me I need to prioritise. I tell him I’m not gonna just never go out and have no social life incase my disability plays up, right now it isn’t even that that’s the issue, I’m in pain because of the cold. He didn’t accept that. What does he expect me to do? It’s the end of December, it’s cold, I can’t just stay inside until spring. Recently I asked him to pass me something off his desk he was sat at because my back was bad. He lost it, called me a lazy cunt. Says he’s in pain too he shouldn’t have to ‘do everything for me’. I told him the scissors are a foot away from him, it makes sense for him to just pass them to me, any normal person would do that. Of course he didn’t accept that so continued swearing at me. This happens a lot.

I told him no more sex. Despite breaking up over a month ago we are still living together while he finds a new place and he is often in the mood so we were still having sex. It was consensual, but I told him no more.

Today’s a bad day and there are some bad things going on, but it’s not all bad. The past 2/3 weeks I’ve been doing better than I have for a long time. Making plans for living alone, returning to bar work which I love, planning to visit my family in Essex and my friends in Bristol. Sorting my appearance out again, embracing my sexuality, getting back in touch with friends. And her. I’ve already mentioned her a few times but man, I can’t help it. She makes me smile like I haven’t in a long time, we talk all day/night, she’s adorable. I’m not gonna get my hopes up, I don’t think I’d make her happy like she deserves, and she deserves so, so much, more than I could ever be; but I’m happy with how it is now even if only temporary. She makes me feel less alone, feel wanted, appreciated, cared for, happy. She’s someone from my past I never thought would be in my life again but I am really happy she is. What a blessing  ♡

[moose-springsteen]

A Little Backstory

Welcome back! After our introduction post, I thought I’d share how Moose came to me and a short history of his reactive behavior.

I first learned about Moose in the spring of 2015. My family had previously adopted a dog from a rescue in Indiana, and when Moose (then named Silas) came into their care, they contacted us thinking we’d be a perfect fit for him. Unfortunately, my parents already had two dogs and I wasn’t quite finished with college up in Green Bay yet, so despite how in love with him I was from pictures alone, I had to turn them down.

After I graduated in May, I moved to Madison, WI. Upon learning that I had moved out, the rescue contacted me again because this dog was still available. Several adoption inquiries hadn’t worked out for him and, most recently, one had fallen through when he became very aggressive towards the family’s dog while on a leash during a home visit. This was an immediate “no” for the family, so back to the rescue he went.

They asked me if this was something I was really willing to take on, because he had several other applications put in for him that they would move on to if his behavioral issues were going to be a deal breaker for me. I assured them that I was not worried about tackling his leash reactivity, and to be honest, I really wasn’t. I’d worked with dogs for a long time, both professionally and as an owner, and I wanted him so badly that there wasn’t much of anything that I wasn’t willing to help him work on.

After our conversation, my contact at the rescue told me “I think he’s been waiting for you!,” and I knew I had to bring him home. I had sworn up and down that I would wait until October or November to adopt a dog, but after moving to Madison on August 1st, I signed the paperwork for Moose on August 5th and drove down to Indiana to pick him up on the 22nd.

My first experience with Moose’s leash reactivity was the night I brought him back to my apartment in Madison. We’d spent our first few days at my parents’ house in southeastern Wisconsin where he played wonderfully at the dog park, as the rescue told me he would - off leash, he LOVES to play with other dogs! Apartment life, though, meant he had to be on a leash any time we were outside, and that’s where his issues arose.

We’d barely gotten out of my Jeep when he spotted another dog out for a late night potty break, and out of nowhere, the intense tantrum that would become familiar began - complete with thrashing, leash biting, and the first time I’d heard his booming bark. At 10 pm, nonetheless! He sure made an impression at the apartment complex.

Indoors, he was nearly the perfect dog. He slept in my bed from day one and was bonded to me immediately, needing to be by my side at every moment (I’m still not allowed to pee alone, nearly three years later). I also quickly learned that he was the most food motivated dog in the world, which made it easy to teach him tricks and commands indoors. Outdoor training was a different story.

I live in one of the few dog-friendly apartment complexes in the area, which means just about everyone with a dog in town lives here. Every potty break was like a spy mission - I had to creep out the door first to make sure nobody else was letting their dog out and our walks could only take place late at night when the chances of running into anyone else were slim. I still do this sometimes - it’s never a bad time for a peaceful evening walk.

For the first year, every outdoor on-leash adventure was like walking on eggshells. I was a constant ball of anxiety and feared running into anyone, human or canine. Moose would never hurt a person, but as a “frustrated greeter” he still barked and lunged because he simply didn’t know how else to say “Hey, look at me, look how cute I am, why aren’t you petting me?!” He’s a big boy with an even bigger bark, so to strangers, I completely understand why this might feel like a dog wanting to attack. (Maybe I should’ve made business cards to throw at them from five feet away stating that “I promise he’s a good boy, he just has a lot of feelings”?)

Our sidewalks here are pretty narrow, so running into another dog on a walk was my waking nightmare. At the end of the day, it often resulted in me pulling him off as far into the grass as we could go, then yelling “Sorry, sorry, sorry!” at the other owner as they passed with their well-behaved dog while my 70-pound mutt tried to pull me over. I usually went home and cried after those walks.

I met with two trainers before I found a third that I loved. The first was nice but I didn’t feel a real connection to her, and her training felt a bit impersonal. The second wanted to charge me something like $1400 to use a shock collar on him, so we never went back. It wasn’t until I met the third trainer in the summer of 2016 that I finally began to feel like there was hope for Moose. He came to my apartment and taught me the force-free, positive-reinforcement based techniques that I could use to shape Moose’s behavior into more desirable actions. I’ll be sharing some of those with you here on this blog in later posts. That trainer is why I urge everyone struggling with a reactive dog to find a professional that works for you. No dog is going to be completely changed overnight (I’m avoiding using the word “fixed” here - your dogs aren’t broken!), but I think that if meeting with a trainer can bring you even a little bit of hope, then it’s totally worth it.

Today, Moose attends doggy daycare every Monday where he plays with his canine friends all day long. He has a best cat friend named Mochi (my sister’s Maine coon who tolerates his antics) and he has two doggy cousins named Fergus and Jameson that he gets to visit and wrestle with all the time. I’m lucky enough to have a job that allows him to come to the office with me on occasion so that he gets some practice in politely receiving attention from my coworkers. Just this last week, he walked up State Street and visited the Wisconsin State Capitol Building for the first time and was polite to every single person he met. He even went to the outdoor mall and into a LUSH store! (His mother may or may not have a crippling bath bomb addiction.)

We still struggle when we run into other dogs (and sometimes even people), but as Moose’s advocate, it’s my job to avoid putting him in those situations and it takes a lot of quick thinking to get him out of them. The whole reason for this blog is to share the things I’ve done to help him get to this point and to keep sharing what we’re working on right now. Moose may never be a dog that can go to Madison’s many dog-friendly breweries or the Memorial Union Terrace - and that’s okay. We’re taking it one day at a time and never push him beyond what he’s comfortable with.

The best thing you can do for your dog, even if they aren’t severely reactive, is to identify their triggers and signs of stress. As soon as either one makes an appearance, you work to refocus the dog on you - and if that doesn’t work, you leave the situation as quickly as possible. It can (and very likely will be) a long and frustrating process, but all training needs to be a positive experience for your dog. They get frustrated too, and constant exposure to stressful situations never helps anyone. Even the smallest steps can lead to victories for both of you.

I love my dog more than I’m ever going to love anything or anyone, reactivity and all, but there were definitely times when I didn’t feel that way. The first step in helping your reactive dog is to change the way you think about them. In my first post, I mentioned that I learned to stop treating Moose like a “broken” dog. He’s not broken at all - he’s just like any human that needs a little extra help learning how to be social and to control his impulses. Helping your reactive dog is all about setting them up for success and teaching them to make the correct behavioral decisions in whatever way works best for them.

I’m sure I’ll say this once every blog post, but again - every dog is different. I have many friends that have dogs that are severely fearful in addition to being reactive, so I count my blessings that so far, the only thing Moose seems to be afraid of is the dishwasher. (He’s also not a fan of the spray bottle that I use to spritz my cockatiel, because I have the only Newfoundland in the world that doesn’t like water.) His reactivity is much more manageable these days and while we definitely still have our rough times, he’s miles and miles ahead of where he was when he first came to me and he’s getting better every minute.

Talk soon, Kenzie & Moose

[jairrrito]

The Power Of Love

I’m not sure where to start, my heart is so full of emotions all the damn time, if it’s not too much, it’s too much to handle. But i am thankful that I’m able to feel and make others feel something, my existence is not to damage anyone, I’m glad I’m able to be here still & be able to write this, i was so scared for my life this year. I had one of the worst heartbreaking situations happen to me, but i had my family, & 3 friends that pulled me out from this darkness that consumed my days, nights and dreams. I wouldn’t eat, sleep, nor wanna talk to anyone. I would hide from everyone, Including social media. Anxiety crept up at my at work and i would leave and just hide in the car or the bathroom, I had one girl that worried about me and i just had met her, she showed me what a friendship was, a person who loved me dearly who i just had met who would bring me food, keep me company, try to take me out & show me i was worth more than what i thought i was, i had another friend who had my back when i completely lost my family again, he fed me when i had nothing, listened to me when i had myself confused where to go in life, who lifted my spirit when he knew my worth from the first times we hung out, my best friend since i was 15 years old who lifted me up from the ground who also worried about my health, who fed me when i sold everything i had. I don’t care if I’m sharing this because i was so fucken scared for my life, i felt like i was going to end my life any second. I’m SO thankful that god has put these people in my life . I’m so grateful to think as i gotten older I’ve been able to pick better people in my life, there’s nothing better to write this and say “i made it” thanks to the love of people i can say those are my friends / family. They say that love doesn’t solve things, but it does. It fucken does. Be careful who you hurt and what words you say, words stick. They stuck to me during the worst when people have disappeared and left me without any warning. I’m so grateful that has ended, god warned me and i took the benefit of the doubt to listen to my heart but not everyone understands me and if they do, it’s never been in a relationship why? Who knows, but that’s my bad for picking people who didn’t care for me from the start & just wanted something from me from the start. I understand that these 3 people who saved me in so many ways i can say they deserve all the love in the world, But i will say this, now that the year is ending, it has finally flipped on me. Last week i felt like the universe has seen the shit I’ve been through for a year and a half & that it’s finally on my side I really can’t explain it but i feel it in my bones, my skin & In my heart. The power of god is amazing, he’s always watching & the universe is watching your every move, ask me how? I feel it, i see it, I’ve watched every sign, or I’ve been really lucky, Gifted. Relationships are important with people, especially when people think it’s the whack thing to do, those are the ones that end up alone, don’t follow the trend. What I’m trying to say is that I’m so blessed and I’m really happy to be here. Breathing, healthy and happy. And this thanksgiving i just wanted to say thank you for not judging me and for caring about me unconditionally. For every mssg, every comment, Nothing but love from me to you, whoever took the time to read this. & to the ones that went out of their way to break me down, happy thanksgiving to you too. Stay up