#and mostly bc like it is a lil sad to me
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when will q!cellbit stop getting massive lore drops over and over again while everyone else gets peripheral lore that helps his?
i loved his stream, no complaints, but like... my god, it's exhausting? like overall, bad spent literal hours pouring over those books, and when i say hours i mean hours. baghera spent hours on them too, and on helping max. max spent hours trying to figure out his stuff, and he did some oopsies but yeno my man tried. these people are so good with lore, riddles, mysteries and theories...
give them the enrichment for once! as a treat, i beg!
i've mentioned multiple times before how i truly enjoy cc!cellbit's streams but that his arcs feel very main character-y to me and don't resonate (again, totally a me thing and not a complaint) but this ain't helping, fam.
idk it's just... again, exhausting as someone who spends most of her time running between bad, baghera, max when i can, watching these people pour their everything into lore and theory crafting and then things stagnating while other people get hours long puzzles and scavenger hunts.
aka a note to the admins, start ending your books if you mean for people to work together with "call yours friends"
#qsmp#q!cellbit#q!baghera#q!badboyhalo#q!maxo#this is again nothing about the creators and all about how lore development happens#and mostly bc like it is a lil sad to me#let the others cook AND actually eat well#instead of cooking only to be serving up their 4 course meal to someone else
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"I think this is the most inhuman; and human, that I've ever felt.." MUCH CAN HAPPEN IN A YEAR. IN FIVE YEARS. A DECADE. imagine how much can happen in a century. just ONE (1). How will you grow? what phases do you find? even in 5 years, you will find patterns.
#jrwi fanart#jrwi show#jrwi suckening#jrwi suckening spoilers#jrwi the suckening#arthur bennett#HEY SO THE REALLY FUNNY THING THAT THE CHARACTER DID THAT SEEMED RLY SILLY N GOOFY IN THE MOMENT?#LIKE THE WHIPLASH BETWEEN SERIOUS N SILLY ALMOST PISSED YOU OFF? WHAT IF I FOUND A WAY TO MAKE YOU SAD ABOUT IT#this was meant to be a scribble that would be a bigger part of a bigger page.might leave it on that page.#but still. bc o that i nearly posted it onto my wacky side blog.BUT NAYY I SPENT TOO MUCH TIME N ENERGY N YOU GOTTA SEE IT#ARTHUR BENNETT DRIVES ME CRAZY. I FEEL LIKE ITS ODD FOR HIM TO BE SO TECHNOLOGICALLY OUT OF TOUCH#WHERE HAS HE BEEN. HAS HE BEEN IN WAR? IS THAT WHERE MAGNUS CAME FROM? WHERE WAS HE WHEN HE WAS WITH EDWARDS CREW?#ARTHURRR I HAVE QUESTIONS ARTTHUUURR!! HEY CAN I ALSO ASK; WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU BECOME#DO YOU THINK HE HAD ANY IDEA HE WOULD VEER CLOSER AND CLOSER TO THE MONSTER HE DESPISES. ALL BC HE DESERVES IT. OR WATEVER#HE FASCINATES ME SO MUCH. TO LOOK AT THE STONE COLD STOIC FOOL FROM THE START OF THE SHOW#AND TO FIND OUT THAT HE USED TO BE A BAD BOY.. A DELINQUENT... A LIL PRANKSTER.... MY GODDD THATS ADORABLE#I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW MORE.... BUT I DOUBT THE LAST EPISODE IS GONNA ANSWER THOSE QUESTIONS..i love arthur bennett so much....#AS FOR THE ART!! i mostly used the fire alpaca watercolor brush. tbh im not a brush guy. anti aliased default pen tends to be my main game#but LATELY IM SQQQUIRMIN OUT OF AN ARTBLOCK so expirimenting like this is helping#DONT LOOK TOO HARD AT IT!! im still proud tho. colors are fun :3 im also very proud of the backgrounds#I LOVE THE CARTOON THING where the background looks all fancy n painted but the characters are solid colors#what else can i ramble abt. OH YEAH. i looked up the bikes to make sure they were time accurate tehehehe. 1913 to 2012.#almost a century apart!! isnt that neat? ALSO FUUUCK CAN I JUST MAKE A QUICK CONFESSION. DOWN HERE IN MY TAGS.#only the strongest can read my tags anwyay. SO I REALIZED WHY I LOVE ARTHUR SO MUCH. TIME IS A FLAT CIRCLE#while arthur is a Stoic and Cool vampire w a knack for being playful/silly; who alsos been alive fora century thus witnessing HORRORs#THERE HAPPENS TO BE A ROBOT FROM A BAND W A TITANIUM ALLOY SPINAL COLLUMN#WHOS A Stoic and Cool ROBOT w a knack for being playful/silly; who alsos been alive fora century thus witnessing HORRORS#the fuckkkiiinnngggnn The Spine from steam powered giraffe. WHATEVER. i cant escape from my heart. i guess.#i think The Spine and Arthur could be friends. Arthur saw the band perform back when they were the Steam Man Band#EDIT: WOOPS I DIDNT REALIZE THIS WOULD END UP IN THE SPG TAG. HI GUYS DIDNT KNOW U WERE STILL ALIVE SORREE 4 THE CROSS CONTAMINATION
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btw one of the things i want to do when i really rap up atbb for real is spontaneously get the energy at will to do actual updated fullbodies of the main 4 since now i actually have the ability to draw them the way they look in my head & have the skills to put some more variety in their shapes. basically i wanna
#warning big character design rambling in these tags but like. were u expecting any less#if ur wondering what changed-#first of all everybody has bigger hands bc i'm actively deciding to commit to that decision because i like it :3#next russ is a bit taller . i'll probably change some other things like making his armor look more solid & making him look more frail#-without it but i dont wanna pick up my tablet rn so thats all i feel like editing with my mouse lmao#edge has the biggest changes mostly in just being Wider. i want to make him Look stronger yknow#currently its just one of those annoying “skinny anime girl actually has 2d spraypainted abs and can lift a truck” tropes that i Hate#its a lil too many triangles when he should really be more like a triangle-flavored square. yknow#that being said the weirdly feminine hips were not intentional but only time will tell if they make it into the actual final design or not#i will not be making his pauldrons wider than they were originally. those things are already wacking everything around him they're fine#fluff's change is just being a bit skinnier so he looks more pathetic and sad. probably gonna try to make him look a bit younger too#but age is hard to represent with skeletons from The Land Of Sharp Features#i might also change up his pants/shoes more idk. Baggy Everything makes a very difficult silhouette and the boots are just boring tbhh#they're the bi flag but i dont think a single person has ever noticed lmao#and stretch's biggest change is that he's going to Have A Fullbody Reference That Isn't From 2019#probably make his hoodie longer/looser so i can make the transition to the leggings less awkward & show off his tank under it a bit more#the leggings & sneakers get to stay tho i think. the red wraps the design up well & the chicken legs are funny to me :>#and karma isn't here but he'll probably also get an update to be more square as well. and NOT SKINNYYYYYY#i gotta cram some more emotional repression & inferiority complex hints into his outfit so his post-void look contrasts more its IMPORTANT#AND ALSO NEVER USE UNDERTALE SPRITES AS A REFERENCE FOR ARMOR EVER EVER EVER AGAIN#that being said im really excited to one day finally sit down and draw his post-void design i think i'll have fun with that one#theres a reason my sf bros dont really fit their “roles” in the au yet like undyne & alphys do. hehehe#basically to sum up all these tags: becoming more skilled at art is a curse because you KNOW you can do things better now
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blorbos in tha phone
#FIRST EVER DIGITAL DOODLE GUYS I DID IT WOOP WOOP#airbrush my beloved#feels like watercolour and that makes me a lil giddy#anyways this was mostly retraced off of a template (?) i JUST downloaded ibis and wanted to get to know the pens#ill eventually get back to drawing once i figure out layers :sob:#i did this so spontaneously but i realize i have a lot of art moots. maybe too many#i have so many ideas to doodle but no skills no money to commission others no idea where to start no bitches no hoes no life#if time is nice to me i may begin a series of impersonating my fav tumblr artists' styles bc im only good at copying *wiggles brow*#if not be prepared for me to give up on re-learning how to draw people and go back to doodling cars and buildings#hmmmmm perhaps ill draw the bsd street racer au that's been feeding off of my braincells#DIGITAL DRAWING IS A LOT LESS SCARY THAN IT WAS LAST TIME I TRIED IT#maybe because i was like. 12 when i last tried digital. but shh#my brain draws clear images i just wish my hands could follow#*places stylus between eyebrows and squints aggressively then draws with mind* problem solved fr#OMG IM SO SAD THE REFERENCE WAS FOR ONLY 4 PEOPLE most bsd cliques come in 5s#was gonna do doa or hd then my brain went nu uh if someone wants i can do them tho#bsd#bungou stray dogs#bsd art#art(?)#bsd flags
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the tiktok fandom makes me giggle
#like why are these lil girls pressed abt chris being slutty#BABY HE CHOSE TO WEAR NO BOXERS HELLO?#“people are oversexualizing them” cus they’re hot asf#also they don’t gaf#“it’s mostly 12 year olds in this fandom” no… the 12 year olds are on tiktok bffr#the deepfake on there made me sad tho#it’s one thing to fantasize and it’s another to edit an innocent picture to then POST IT where they can see#i reported the acc bc wtf#anyways this is why i stay here in my little pink corner on tumblr with the cool chicks#love u guys
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#we joke about fanfic authors deeply researching the smallest details to make fics accurate#which is true and i have done many times (i could tell you the history of yankees baseball caps. i do not care about yankees baseball caps)#but . idk . maybe we stress over the smallest details bc when we dont. we get comments criticizing us 🤪#for being linguistically inaccurate once (1) in a cute silly lil fanfic . oops#and as i am typing this i am telling myself its a silly lil fanfic and its not that deep but#idk. im always kinda nervous to read comments bc im like what if they call me a stupid untalented idiot#but then i mostly get nice comments. so i try to remind myself. people are nice#but im still always a little nervous. and then its a whole paragraph about one thing i messed up in 1k words 💀#like ok! now im kinda sad! now i feel kinda bad about myself! now im kinda embarrassed!#what are you trying to achieve by criticizing fanfic sorry 😭😭
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bellum x linebeck chapter summary drafts that won those polls:
chapter 8
chapter 14
chapter 20
#bellum x linebeck#salty talks#tag works. anyways three chapter drafts and they have alt texts and the alt texts are sliiiiightly different form the actual text#as in i have 'pov' written as 'point of view' and fixed a typo in chapter 8#love that chapter 14 starts with anyways linebeck is running away from something. bc this is a chapter draft there is no elaboration#bc on my end its just. ok scroll back up to chapter 13. there it is#lil hint of. some. larger plot but not really. i can elaborate on anything related to these three and i am down to#but i dont rlly want to get specific abt any other chapters or story things. or at least dont ask me to if i want to do that i'll make#some sloppy salty talks text post talking in probably too much detail abt some fic thing im working on#not to be. like that. but im a lil sad that none of the ones here are any one of the ones with more fun comments in them#theres not a lot and theyre mostly in the latter drafts so far#my favorite is verbatim 'idk while dicking around he swallows some water'#i consider 'comments' to be the bits in parenthesis so theyre like notes for myself to keep in mind details a layer lower than the basic#plot stuff or just reminders and the one thats my favorite iirc was just like. fuck i need to figure out why this happens. and.#it solves my problem and i like seeing it there bc i think its silly#anyways here u go. three of them. there was a fourth person going along with the polls for a bit#and i personally have like. pet theories on who yall are so if the fourth person eventually wants to ask for whatever chapter draft they#were gonna vote for i wouldnt rlly mind sharing it bc with how it turned out i do feel a lil bad that that fourth person is left out kinda#my writing
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myah
my paimon age headcanon* is that she is like dave from kipo. she's technically a super old immortal** but also she Is a kid***. i was originally framing it as a phoenix sort of situation but dave from kipo has the same vibes plus like. being a person and not an animal and also being the same person (which, if i likened paimon to a vidyahara a la hsr, would not really be the case) *i flip flop between a few headcanons, namely the seelie one and this sort of phoenixy one. i really like paimon i have so many thoughts about her shes so interesting and sweet and ridiculous **i think the reason her memories are so inconsistent could be erosion at play. sometimes she can remember things and sometimes she is actually a really helpful guide but mostly she doesn't know what is going on and what she can remember seems so random. i also think theres some paimon lore in the wrio story quest so im actually gonna play that one just. not until the finals are done beating me up. so maybe this is all disproven there and i can stop flipflopping ***her interactions with other child characters (klee, diona, qiqi are the big three for this point) are definitely mentorly but in a fellow child sort of manner. she treats them like younger siblings typically. adult characters (albedo is the one i remember the best) often think of her as a child and she hasn't really objected to that, that i've noticed? she gets cranky about being called a pet, or food, or a toy (but still plays along sometimes because being in disguise etc etc, but she is noticeably unenthused about those labels) but i haven't really noticed her get upset about being called a kid. however, she is noticeably more helpful and more advanced than the littler child models. she seems to be similar to nahida (and they get along really well)(i really liked the paimon nahida interactions it always feels like paimon is trying to fit in with adults or babysitting kids but with nahida it felt like they matched better. despite nahida being well,,, a lot smarter). i think nahida is also a technically immortal but also kid sort of situation, but not in the same way as paimon is. nahida reminded me a lot of the aranara, with her reincarnation looking the same yet being someone else, with all the stuff about dreams, etc.. also the aranara are childlike and only knowable to children (and certain people with special circumstances) so . yeah. i think nahida is permanently in that kid but not state and paimon is currently in that kid but not state but i do kind of think paimon hasn't always been a kid, maybe possibly. i do definitely think shes existed for way longer than twenty years. but also shes kiddo.
anyway i love paimon. shes my son. id feel kinda bad for paimon haters cus she is in Every Single Thing except that like if u hate paimon why are u playing the paimon game? just to gamble???
#beeep#i also think klee is yet another genre of immortal baby. but still different. i think shes like 50 or something in a baby yoda sort of way#well maybe not precisely 50 and shes farther along than the baby yoda i think????? idk much about starwars. but like that sort of thing.#she ages but she does it reallyyyy slowly. and then qiqi doesnt age bc shes a zombie so shes yet ANOTHER type of immortal baby#but like. a human baby that became immortal. and well by baby i probably mean likeeee idk 8? 10? not Infant yknow#oh but also. also too. i think my klee headcanon paired with my diona headcanon can be a lil silly funny. or maybe sad#okay actually yea its a lil sad#i think diona ages at the normal human rate and maybe met klee earlier but now shes developmentally a bit older than klee...... and shell#probably be an adult and klee is still a kid.....#one cool thing about genshin is how the kids are actually like. interesting. admittedly i get more invested in kids storylines than other#ppl i know even if theyre mostly there just to Be A Kid Tee Em but i like that in genshin the kids matter more than like. an accessory?#idk if that description makes sense but sometimes in media kids will exist mostly to make u be like omg single father my heartttttt uwahhh#anyway my tags got way off topic from the main post. basically. i miss kipo and like paimon#oh also? paimon nobiney. i had 'proof' once but i dont think i have enough tags left on here to type it out and tbh most cis people would#not consider my proof as proof. as well as many aimon haters of the trans sort#but its proof to ME.
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Hey, do you got doctors appointments you need to schedule but haven’t for whatever dumb reason (for me, laziness. probably. no no, complacency. That sounds better)? Well, go do it! Now! or soon! You need to just hurry up and schedule that shit! I’m sorry! Make the call! You gotta! You’re probably gonna have to wait multiple weeks for the appointment anyway, so if you wait until the problem is really bad, then you’re just condemning yourself to waiting extra long to get checked out. Jeez!
#this is mostly directed at me#still having breathing issues#it maaaaay be related to sinus issues. I don’t think that’s entirely it but it’s worth a shot#My sinuses have been messed up for so so long and it’s killing me and I just now set up an ENT appointment#so now. good job at making the appointment. but now you gotta wait 2.5 weeks just for the initial check-in#I just want someone to stick a lil camera up my nose and see why my lil holes always feel so swollen 🥺#my poor lil holes 🥺#but I’ll probably have the initial meeting and then if I can convince them to scope me out that’ll take a bit to schedule. probably.#been having breathing issues lately which you may have noticed if you skimmed any of my recent flood of text posts#went looking back through old head scan reports and and saw some mentions of nasal polyps and blockage#that of course no one ever mentioned at the time#and I’ve always suspected that my sinuses might be deviated or have growths or whatever bc breathing was never my strong suit#but maybe it’s nothing 🤷🏻♂️#but maybe it’s something. that’s the thing. I should have looked into this before it got bad#I have a real bad issue with complacency#life doesn’t even have to be GOOD. as long as I can live and not be stressed and be lazy I will 99% of the time just do nothing#hence… why my life is like… this. uneventful. sad. bare minimum of an existence.#this is getting too existential and self-deprecating#I don’t know what I’m going to do for 2.5 weeks. stressful.#I know it won’t fix all of my problems. not my MAIN issues. but doing SOMETHING is not nothing. especially if it takes the edge off#too many tags#you can ignore this#just go make that phone call!#I’d make it for you if I could!#text
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Reason number idk to keep my shot day more consistent (tho tbf i had been doing really well on timing up until last week lmao):
Shot day being off means i get extra weepy over just. anything. everything. My brain looks at anything and goes 'oh yeah, that's like (horrible traumatic memory), you 'member that? Yeah, sure ya do! here's a recap of that particular time for ya too.'
and like??? I am not a fan of it today. i mean i never really am but, I have shit to do rn lmao (dishes and i keep having smutty ed/izzy and nathan/pickles ideas that refuse to actually flow on the page once i open a word doc.)
#text post#typing this up more as warning that i might be extra messy the next few days#there's an in person work thing this Friday im terrified of bc my transphobic supervisor is gonna b there and like#it's abt four hours counting travel time so i know I'll need the bathroom at least once while im there and he made a Big Deal of it b4#and i just. am not looking forward to figuring out how to handle this in addition to it being So Many Ppl in One Small Room w/me#my brain deciding that anytime i have even a minor hormonal shift means weeping and constant memory reliving time is not helping that either#all the more reason to keep next week's shot on fucking time!!!!!#but. yeah. might be some sad lil text posts like this and reblogging a lot of my usual fixations to distract myself#but for now: dishes while i consider my ed cockwarming Izzy's strap idea &#my nathan panic proposes to pickles post apocalypse w/the ring he made for Abigail idea#that one is actually mostly written but. doesn't feel quite right yet#i do like the detail that nathan got it in pickles size & planned to resize it for Abigail#bc he didn't know her ring size but he has pickles' memorised along with all his other measurements tbh#so it just. fits right away and is revealed that they designed the ring as their shared dream engagement ring during a frienderbender#and 'whoever finds the right person first can use it with them' but oh. it was made for the right person all along. right there#a stitched up charles officiates while they're just. sitting in a pile of burning rubble aksndjfngn#anyway enough of this i must dishes and address the anxiety stomachache starting now that i thought abt the work thing 💀
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🥴
#sometimes i get the impression that jj's false arrogance actually turns over into false modesty#and idk how i feel about that#and definitely it has to do with the fallout of thing in 2020-2021 with other people#it just makes me sad sometimes to see him come into his own and be appreciated#but feel like he has an attitude that he deserves it#which is complicated bc personally i think he *does* deserve it lol#but idk humility is a very admirable trait and it just seems like something lost a lot of the time#ragamusings in the tags#been thinking about this for a couple years but that video (as adorable and funny as it is)#bothered me in that way too#like am i just projecting here or is there merit to me pulling back my admiration of him a lil bit#(and not just him but mostly him rn)#ok anyways thanks for coming to my ramble#i wish him all the best regardless
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wish there were more ndn creole blogs on here, it’s all recipes and history pages, like we’re still around and being a creole ndn is way different to a non creole ndn experience, I know we’re around cause I met one a few weeks ago irl just by chance, but everyone acts like we’re either only in Louisiana and not worth acknowledging or just gone altogether.
#lousiana creole#Pls we have really interesting history#Ppl only talk about us when they want to prove something#It’s true most creoles r in Louisiana but clearly not all of us#Also ppl only ever consider creoles and cajuns as literally black and white#Cajuns are a subset creoles and cajuns are also often mixed. Like around 40% of all Cajuns are ndn.#Creoles can be mostly native creoles can be mostly white Cajuns can be mostly black#Most of us r all a lil mixed but it’s not as simple as everyone else makes it out to be#Issa whole culture and ethnic group that deserves recognition#Like my family left Louisiana we’re cut off from everyone else bc of family drama we live far away but we still keep our culture close#Or at least my grandpa did but you still see it echoing#idk sorry i’m just rambling now#But we used to be huge before Louisiana became America#American White supremacy fucked us over and our language and culture were all attempted to be wiped out#They forcefully segregated us that’s why now Cajuns are considered white Creoles are consider mixed or black#Makes me sad to see ppl treating us like we’re gone when we’re not
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i want to make mittens. i know what pattern i will use too make the mittens. i cannot decide what yarn to use to make the mittens. i do not make mittens.
#//juri speaks#i mean i'm also Overthinking™ bc i might swap whatever stitch the pattern uses with the thermal stitch#which might change the number of rounds i need and make my life more difficult#and i'm mostly thinking of mittens bc a) it's fucking cold and b) i'm dragging my heels on a shawl i wanna make#bc i can't decide which version of the skull pattern to buy#all this while i have a bag in progress (dragging my heels a lil bc i want to do a cotton fabric liner and don't know how)#and a knit scarf i started like. a billion years ago (dragging my heels a lot bc i simply can't figure out the right grip for the needles#and that makes me sad bc i won't be immediately able to make a cool sweater or smth)#anyway...!
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i know my cat knows i love him but does he know how much?
#this question haunts me#I'm literally cryinc bc it's a 'holiday' (but also fuck thanksgiving it really is and should be a national day of mourning for indigenous#communities to honor the genocide and the continued violence they face bc of american white supremacy and colonialism)#but like i do have nostalgic ties frkm childhood and im thinking abt how weird life has been#since my mom and I REALLY started growing apart (bc i started to understand things and she started spiraling)#but how none of my holidays feel lonely even whem i mostly spend then alone bc my cat almost always snuggles with me the whole time#like okay yeah this is what its all for in the end#this is what i live for lol#anyway that holiday talk sounded sad but actually it's really happy#when i tried to do holidays w the immediate fam i used to stress a lot and usually experienced something traumatic#so like it's so nice to have quiet peaceful holidays with my angel of a cat who's been here thru it all#the first time he headbutted me was when i came home from my mom's on Thanksgiving the last year i spent it with hwr#idk i just love this lil dude. hes neen a constant for almost 7 years now like wow#also sometimes i hang out w friends or facetime friends after their fam gatherings or friends who also dont celebrate#i was interested in going to an indigenous day of mourning march however i am still feeling pretty awful after my root canal 2 days ago#so i will try to go next year
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gonna get sappy here for a hot sec (quelle surprise)
#i just had therapy#well#like an hour ago now#and it started off rocky but we made a list of all the changes/improvements i've made since around this time last year and holy fuck#it's so weird that it rarely feels like i'm making progress bc things can still be really hard sometimes#but at the end i was crying bc i was like damn?? i'm actually Doing It???#things may not be perfect but i am healing!!!! mostly on my own!!!!!!!!!!!#the list got way longer than i expected it to be#and i'm gonna make a nicer looking one and put it up on my wall so i like#remember#bc so often i dismiss changes ik i've made that i don't give enough credit to and get sad that i'm not doing better than i am#but bitch!!!!! i've come so far#and as much as a lot of this healing needs to be attributed to me bc i've been the one holding my own hand through all of this#i CANNOT emphasize enough how much having this sweet lil community has meant to me#especially in the last month or so#time takes time to heal it you can't do it by yourself is REAL#as much as i try not to rely on anyone else for my own recovery etc etc#yall brighten my day sm#just by being u#so thank u#idk if anyone is gonna read this but idc#tysm <3#ily
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#now i am absolutely playing and spinning the wheel of . am i going to get sad abt That .#i was a lil bummed abt it yesterday . byt at some point i think i did realise theres probsbly a reason#bc . there was absolutwly divine play happening yesterday . oh my fucking god .#but . anyway having to like rlly pull myself away formcthat glass is having . a negative . distortion#in my brain of some form idk. i cant talk abt it vut im trying to just .#bc while im typing this out and . stringing words tgth that makr No Sense to nayone#egen me sometimes#my brains doing some kind ofnsorting anf its . good? bc itd actually working through what the issue is or wtv. even if whats cominf#outbof my mouth or in text form makes no fucking sense#bc i know whats going on up there. i know that what im saying is helping some kind of dot and pattern so i can get over#whatever thr fuck is upsetting me . bc atp im not . ipset aby anything fucking NEW anymorem#im still putting away my past toys and knives!!!!! why !!!!! why am i still closing doors on old cycles ajd wounds !!!!#50/50 i have been ignoring it and not doing it properly . 50/50 theres stuff i havent been allowed to actually#heal from or access yet regardless. n i do see why ! bc i think abt how ive felt w some of these revelations#and know if id come to this or saw thus or WHATEVER 1 2 or even 4 months ago . provably wouldve done smth drastic . bc i keep slmost#fucking doijg dhit n i just . im not supposed to this time. i know that.#my job is to sit down and shut up. im supposed to docthis (mostly) on my own and without doing whay#my stupid ego wants to do >:( die
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