#and medic explodes again
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i want medic to lay in bed after battles at night and kick his feet at how heavy worded sentences like they’re on a date or flirting about stupid mundane tasks. im not projecting no never.
#snazum talks#i hope they never find this post#they dont use tumblr so i am safe#examples of stuff heavy would say like#heavy gives medic permission to be an asshole which medic is like ah my fav#and heavy just like i know it is doktor and medic explodes#or they just end up eating together in the mess hall alone cause theyre late to dinner and heavy says they should do that again#and medic explodes again#sorry im fucking insane rn#ive got a terrible crush and these two are my dolls to deal with it
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THESE guys !!!!!
#EXPLODES#tf2#team fortress 2#noro draws#ive missed these guys sm. happy to be back into it again#tf2 scout#tf2 pyro#tf2 spy#tf2 medic#pyro tf2#scout tf2#medic tf2#spy tf2#flashfire#pyroscout
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Crazy how despite Mikan's love for gory movies and blood, she doesn't do an over the top murder. She doesn't even do a medical themed murder despite it being the main focus of the chapter. (Only one of her victims was a patient and she just strangled her)
Crazy how, when she wants to commit a murder for Junko, she does neck trauma.
That's Yasuke's M.O.
#If I had a nickel for everytime a medical professional killed their classmates via strangulation and neck trauma#For their fucked up girlfriend#I'd have two nickels blah blah you know how the rest goes#Feel like we are getting a look into Junko's 'interests' and I don't know if I like that information#I wonder if they did have a different murder for mikan and scrapped it#Because she has a line in the afterschool mode (that's DEFINITELY not its name but I'm too lazy)#Where she mentions she loves parasites while pulling her crazy in love face#And later in KK we have a nurse that kills people by growing parasites in them#Could be unrelated or it could be a reuse of a early concept of chp3#Mentioned bc it's the only murder that connects like that but again it could be Kodaka using nurse tropes#Also slightly unrelated but does the medical profession just not inspire Junko or what#Bc we all know how weird Mikans execution is but also Yasuke has one in a artbook and????#He gets strapped to a table operated on and then just explodes#That's it no explanation for why he explodes#Junko I thought this was your thing???? Why does it suck so much???#scarposts
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webtoon would be such a better app if they removed comments
#chernikocore#sucks all the joy out.... i have to see em everytime i finish a chapter#i usually try to click on the next page without reading em because its either the worst takes known to man or ppl being pricks for no reason#made the mistake of looking into the comments of a new one ive been reading abt a character who is mentally disabled/severely ill#and i immediately regretted it TT why are they so ableist#'hopefully shes not insane just traumatised 🥺' 'i bet she's faking it. i hope she is' 'shes boring like this when will she talk properly'#???? why r u reading the story centred on a mentally ill person if u dont want them to be mentally ill#'its probably just the medication when it wears off im sure she'll be normal ☺️' im exploding you with my mind#if the author goes any of those routes im going to be so disappointed. most comics on there r the same thing again and again#ive found something interesting if it decides to make her 'normal' after a certain point ill scream#i want her to heal n recover from her abuse. i dont want to read a story about a girl being 'fixed' by a guy being nice to her#whatever!!!!! ive learned to not expect anything from webtoon comments.... ill try n skip em like i did before when i finish the chapters..#rant over im okay im okay
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God this sucks man. Watching your mental stability just slip away. I get glimpses of what I used to have then its gone.
And the worst part is that I can’t communicate it. And if I could idk if I would absorb any advice given.
#shut up ray#sometimes i go ‘maybe its just cos its winter and winter is dark and cold and stressful’#then i remember the repeated breakdowns i had in the spring and summer#then i think ‘maybe i should start taking meds again’ then i remember AGAIN those exact breakdowns i was having while MEDICATED#and go ‘ah..’#i saw my friend on monday#and she gave me this long pep talk abt shit#i didnt have the heart to tell her she was making shit up abt me just so she could tell me its not a problem#im not insecure i have severe mental problems#i have a chronic illness that is tied to those problems in a big tangled up fucking web#and i constantly feel like im doing a balancing act w/ 50 fucking spinning plates#and sometimes i will just have these undignified meltdowns#and when im not doing that im thinking horrible things abt ppl who care abt me#im not your helpless little introvert friend#im fucking broken and getting worse w/ each pssing year#i dont date because im full of hatred not because im insecure abt my looks or some shit#and as w/ every Christmas im gonna fucking sulk in my room cos i just cant handle this shit#when did this time of yr become such a horror show#i used to feel joy abt things#like joy that lasted longer than a few seconds#now its just all anger and bitterness and hatred and just this#giant black hole where my heart used to be#im not gonna make it to middle age… im gonna go out the same way my step-dad did#full of so much fucking hatred my heart explodes and im just alone because I pushed everyone away
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#if this is how badly i spiral now#i'm terrified to think what they'll be like when i'm medicated again#currently trying to convince my doctor not to give me prozac celexa or fucking zoloft#each one of those stole a piece of my soul that i'll never get back#why is it that the only SSRI in NZ that “treats” eating disorders is fucking prozac (fluoxetine)#delete later#if i don't vent i will explode
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and i’m right back to what it was like taking care of my mother.
#ooc. o kaptain.#[let me tell you i am absolutely fucking exploding i do NOT want to literally clean up someone else’s shit pick up someone else off the#floor. AGAIN. im not fucking doing this AGAIN. but here i am!!! here i fucking am!!! god i wish i could go ANYWHERE for just ONE day and not#feel like life is fucking over because i know my aunt will inevitably hurt her dumb fucking self if im not here telling her not to do#something. but forgive me for thinking when someone can barely breathe or walk you shouldn’t just… send them home from the hospital. so they#can be home and FAR WORSE than when they got there??? oh sorry forgot this is my forever job and i should shut the fuck up and do it.]#medical /#negative /#cancer mention /
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My favorite part about being a disabled person in late stage capitalism is that I have to wait months just to see a PCP for the first time and urgent cares don't like handing out referrals anymore.
I ❤️ waiting and festering
#im so tired dude#i just wanna see why im sick again#and you ppl keep rescheduling me further and further out.#i s2g if i have something that again wouldnt be fucking me up as much as it is if it were caught/taken seriously earlier#i will explode#negative#cw medical#sky spam
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god why am i constantly feeling sick i hate it here. i just want to rip my insides out and not be in pain anymore
#im supposed to cook tonight but my mom's medical leave payments are late and we have no food in the house and arghhh id rather explode#time to sit int he bathroom and hopefully not throw up again#yappin
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i <3 2fort forever yay ^__^
#had so many fun interactions today and also learnt how to group taunt :3 baby's first kazotsky kick#i'm a pyro main usually but since everyone was fucking around i decided to switch to medic to see how it is and had not one but TWO heavies#call for me and then killbind/explode upon reaching a certain point. one of them even head an enemy intel and was a-posing the entire time#<a-posing and spinning! even#we got to the intel room and he just turned back. went upstrairs. started eating a banana and then killbinded. never change heavies i love#you. the other one did the go kart taunt and then tried to taunt kill me?? we were on the same team. well and then he exploded#i already mentioned pyro sewer party that was super cute :3 also like my first group interaction. special moment not to get cheesy#AND. and. yet another heavy with a wilson weave tried to teach me how to group taunt. like y'know. do the conga together#<i was convinced i couldn't do it since i didn't have it unlocked and stuff but i could!!! thank you heavy :]#i hope they was me eventually figure it out. had no way to check since they were on the enemy team and that doesn't display names#sorry about the wall of text i'm just!!!! well i just had a lot of fun :]#people also kept standing in those little towers? like y'know blu team player jumps on a red player and then a blu jumps on top of that one#and bam. tower right. there was also one pyro who had the minion fit AND the sign with a minion picture as well#i'll never get those people who make those 'strange people of 2fort videos' like the fuck you mean strange. they're so fun#GOSH. sorry about the wall of text again anyways um. download the game and play on 2fort ok? super fun
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I HATE VYVANSE
#stupid ass medication thsinks it's sooooooo special. i have to get name brand caus they can't get generic.#i'm gonna kill you .#so fucking stupid i refilled thursday and i gotta call again. hell world i need someoen in power to die. badly#SICK OF DYING BADLY MYSELF‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️#ONE (1) capsule left. hell world. i:m gonna start biting like a rabid animal.#UGHHHHHHH which means i'm gonna At Least have to go one day if not longer without it bc of how it all lined up#american healthcare system. explode 💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
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Damn, that survey about jam on toast really has me wishing we had bread (and butter) because I could DESTROY like half a loaf all by myself right now.
Which of my menagerie of maladies is to blame for me craving salt and fat above all else?
I don't fucking know.
Even day-old bread costs like $4 a loaf now. And butter, that shit's like, double digits for a pound.
I don't remember the last time I could eat enough to actually feel full.
I say, while just wanting fucking. Bread.
Hit me with the peasant scraps. I will take your stale heels and I will be delighted.
#personal#food mention#also hey hi my fatigue and despair at the world#are both so significant these days I can't muster any meaningful personal posts any more!#isn't that cool? isn't that great?#my knee will never finish healing and my busted metabolism remains untreated#because my doctor turned out to be pro plague#and I lost all access to prescription medications anyway#because my insurance implemented that fucking middleman program for it#and I'm too fucking busy trying to Remain Alive every day#that I can't even daydream about engaging Phone Anxiety Trauma Hell#which is the only way to set up that shit middleman prescription account!#also my phone just. doesn't make calls#it automatically hangs up the second I hit send on literally any number#except emergency 911 of course bc that's soooo helpful to me#also also the battery exploded. not literally but it. got fluffy#and I had to beg once again for a kind person with spendable money to help me out#it was less than ten dollars which isn't much right? RIGHT?#but I don't have ten spendable dollars so! I had to beg!#and I am very very very grateful someone took pity on me so my phone turns on again#but. it still. doesn't make calls. sigh
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and now for something completely different!! (it is once again that collaboration with @chiropteracupola)
you already know i love you
A crisp spring breeze crested over the hilltop near Teufort Manor, ruffling grasses and skirts alike with warmth and the promise of better things to come. It was saturated with sweet lavender and the tang of onion grass, and Filomena took a deep, soothing breath, letting the dawning season blossom in her lungs, before another explosion rocked the bucolic meadow.
“Do you suppose they’ll hurt themselves?” she murmured, licking her finger to turn over a page in her book, some dense medical volume in Ansel’s native German filled with extensive diagrams and footnotes she could barely follow. Beneath her, Ansel shifted, peering across the clearing. Far off in the distance, Jeremiah and Mikhail were continuing their jovial pyrotechnics; chain-shot whistled and cracked against pine bark, rippling out on the wind, whooping and guttural laughter nipping at the echo’s heels.
“Oh,” Ansel said, adjusting his glasses as he peered over Filomena’s shoulder, “almost certainly.”
Filomena snorted, knocking her head against Ansel’s temple.
The two of them were curled up underneath a sprawling oak whose roots gnarled and twisted into shapes almost resembling waves. Its whorls provided a comfortable place to lie down with a friend and a good book, both of which Filomena was fortunate enough to have to hand. Of course, Ansel bore the brunt of the wooden seating, as she was quite neatly slotted into his lap, but he was hardly complaining, and the good doctor made more than adequate a cushion for such an occasion. Beside them sat two glasses of cider newly dredged up from the mansion’s cellar, sweating in the sun. The scent of apples was barely noticeable over the milieu of wildflowers and the cool water of the nearby river, but its company was not to be ignored.
Cocking her head away from the deafening blast of cannonfire once more, Filomena laughed. “Are we at all obligated to stop this?”
“Not at all, Liebling.” Ansel smiled, wrapping his arms around her waist. “I have every faith they will remain in one piece.” Pausing, he pursed his lips, fighting off the grin pulling at his cheeks. “More or less.”
“Of course.”
Shaking her head with an incurable fondness, Filomena tapped her thumb against Ansel’s knuckles, rough and cracked from years of equal parts caustic chemicals and dirty fighting, before feeling for the twin bands that encircled his middle finger. They sparkled in the afternoon light, new gold as yet untarnished by neither time nor bitterness. While Filomena’s own ring was nothing to sneeze at, all delicate etching imbued with adoration, she admired the interlocking pieces of Ansel’s jewelry. Daniel had made them, so of course they were lovely as they were unconventional.
Her reverie was broken shortly after by the loudest blast yet, punctuated by the splintering of wood and a triumphant holler. When she looked up, Jeremiah was beaming, gesturing to a swath of leveled trees with flailing arms and calling out to her.
“Mina! Mina, didja see that?”
“Yes, darling, I did!” Filomena cried, waving from her spot seated atop Jeremiah’s husband. “It was spectacular!”
“Hallelujah!” Pumping his fist, Jeremiah ran to Mikhail, who was lumbering toward the makeshift camp under the tree. He leapt up into the gunner’s waiting embrace, whooping as he went.
“Hey, Micky, she saw! She saw!”
Mikhail rolled his eyes, but nevertheless swept Jeremiah into an expansive twirl so that his legs flung out in all directions and he looked as though he could take flight with glee. When he touched ground again, Jeremiah nudged Mikhail’s elbow. “D’ya think the Doc was watchin’?”
A rumbling guffaw tore itself from Mikhail’s throat, bounding around the clearing. He ruffled Jeremiah’s hair with a hand wrought from iron, and Jeremiah shouldered him in return.
“What’re you laughin’ at?”
“You are…” Mikhail seemed to consider his words as they drew closer. “Cute. I see why Doktor likes you.”
“Hey! I ain’t cute! Mina, tell ‘im I ain’t cute!”
“Well, I’m afraid I have some bad news,” Filomena grinned, gently closing her book around her finger.
“Agh! Betrayed!” Drawing a hand to his forehead, Jeremiah sprawled across Filomena’s lap, face contorted in mock agony. “By my own wife, no less!”
“I’m sure you’ll live.” Bending down, Filomena pressed a quick kiss to his lips. Immediately, Jeremiah sprung back to life, sitting upright.
“It’s a miracle! I’m cured!”
“A veritable scientific anomaly,” Ansel agreed with a wink, reaching for Jeremiah’s hand and twining their fingers together. “One I will be sure to study at great length.”
“Aw, you flirt.” Succumbing to giggles moments later, Jeremiah tugged Ansel through a gap under Filomena’s arm for a clumsy, beaming kiss. She cast her eyes over to Mikhail, who was settling in beside the three of them, and found herself stifling ungainly chortles as he examined her plight, tangled between her husband and her husband’s husband. Reaching out, Filomena gripped Mikhail’s shoulder like a lifeline.
“Jeremiah, dear,” Filomena choked out through suppressed laughter, “while you know I love you very much, I am also— rather struggling to breathe.”
“Oh, shit.” Scrambling backward—very nearly clipping her nose with his head—Jeremiah disentangled himself from under Filomena’s arm until he was straddling her lap, hands laced behind her neck. “Hi.”
“Hello.” Smiling, Filomena twined her fingers through Jeremiah’s hair, admiring the smattering of freckles splashed across the bridge of his nose. His blue eyes shimmered green with the foliage around them, and flaxen hair shone like spun gold.
“You are beautiful,” Filomena said before the rest of her mind caught up, but when it did, she found she still meant it. Ducking his head, Jeremiah’s cheeks flushed, and he reached for her glass of cider.
“Says you,” he mumbled.
“I do.”
Taking a long swig, Jeremiah eventually replaced the empty glass and laid his hands on Filomena’s cheeks.
“Love you, Mina.”
Jeremiah leaned in, resting his forehead against hers, breath fogging against her spectacles. She wanted to tell him she loved him too, but the gentle silence that enveloped them felt too precious to interrupt, and so she simply hoped he knew what she meant, what she would always mean.
Sighing, Filomena began to recline against Ansel’s chest again, before he raised a hand in protest.
“Ey! Save some for the rest of us!”
“Sorry,” Filomena chuckled, shimmying to the side until there was no interruption between Ansel and Jeremiah. Her book had long fallen by the wayside, and she scooped it up as she nestled herself between Ansel and Mikhail, dodging Jeremiah’s stray boot.
“Nice, isn’t it?” she whispered, more to the wind than anyone in particular, watching Jeremiah fiddle with Ansel’s tie, dot kisses along his jaw.
“Да,” came a soft whisper from behind her. When she turned, Mikhail was looking down at the scene before them, expression infectiously serene. “Is nice.”
“Misha, are you talking about us?” Ansel called, muffled under Jeremiah’s bear hug.
Mikhail’s amusement reverberated outward from deep in his stomach, rippling through Filomena and dragging her along with his levity. “Only good things, Doktor.”
“I should hope so, mein Schatz!” Although Ansel clearly meant to say more, Jeremiah pulled him into a crushing hug and abruptly cut him off, the both of them cradled in light and warmth. Filomena kicked her heel into Jeremiah’s thigh.
“Let the poor man recover, darling!” she exclaimed, guiding him back into her lap. “I do apologize for my husband’s despicable behavior, Mr. Ludwig.”
“And I, mine, Mrs. Thornton,” Ansel returned, kissing her cheek. “Really, Vogel, you ought to know better.”
“You two are insufferable.” Groaning, Jeremiah flipped over, positioning himself across the row of thighs that formed a convenient mattress. “Why did I ever marry you?”
“Hmmm, because you love us?” Filomena said, tapping his nose.
Ansel chimed in with a raised finger. “And because you are a man of miserable tastes!”
“Ah, yeah, that’s gotta be it.”
Soft grin spreading across his face, Jeremiah let his eyes flutter closed, resting his hands across his stomach, and a pleasant quiet began to settle around them, guided on the maple seeds fluttering to the ground. The hopefulness of springtime was practically infectious, with the four of them together like this.
Inhaling long and slow, Filomena tucked her head into Ansel’s ribs, and he draped his arm over her shoulders, slender fingers finding purchase in the brocade of Mikhail’s coat. If she was not mistaken, Jeremiah was already drifting off, heart slowing to a crawl against her legs. Mikhail’s steady breaths worked to lull them all into a timeless, dreamlike state, where the world seemed to turn at a snail’s pace around them.
“I adore you,” Filomena mumbled, uncertain as to whether or not her loves had heard her. Not that it mattered, of course, but then Ansel’s “Süße Träume,” and Mikhail’s, “Спокойной ночи,” and last of all, Jeremiah’s, “Love ya,” reached her ears, and her chest all but glowed with the vibrancy within.
The distant chirp of birds lulled her into a gentle sleep.
#dialogue heavy fic? in My writing? it's. honestly about as likely as you think this is a rarity#also!! here's to basically Straight Fluff again#idk what to do with myself they're not even In A Situation#they're just being lovely and kind and wonderful to one another <3#and they're in love!! sort of!!!#to clarify in case what's happening in em's and my brains isn't clear to the outside world:#the dynamic is mikhail/ansel -> ansel/jeremiah -> jeremiah/filomena#filomena and ansel are not Together they are just extraordinarily physically affectionate#but yeah.... they're having a nice day......#once again i have put Seasons into my writing but y'know. fucka you#anyway. i am going to combust and explode upon the floor now#radio free junebug#flintlock fortress#team fortress 2#the scout: jeremiah thornton#the heavy: mikhail andronikov#the medic: ansel ludwig#the enforcer: filomena pauling#yeah..... Yeah......#oh and title is froooooom. someone else's song by wilco#captain's logbook
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#you know#ive had chronic headaches since i was little#and chronic migraines since i was 13/14#but sometimes it really hits me how much i hate them#like the pain has lonv since become nothing but an annoyance#but the fact that like not medication really truly helps#and what does is basically curling up in bed and hiding away until i can focus or think straight again#sometimes it feels like im missing out in so much and sometimes it feels like they are getting worse#like there are ones i can still function through still think staight enough to focus on life#but the ones were i cant#where i feel like my head is gonna explode#where my thoughts arent straight and i can barely move or i get dizzy#they seem to be getting more and more frequent.......#idk i just feel like having them makes me feel like i have to put my life on pause#except its not paused its just passing by me while im stuck unable to do anything#i also fully believe that scrubbing my brain w/those face wash brushes w/ those little nubs would feel divine and fix my issues#or a lobotomy#though that might be kinda a lobotomy#idk but this shit is tiring#anyway this was all brought on by a headache so bad my jaw and teeth hurt too#and turning almost migraine level for a bit#but made me miss out on spending time with my family#(and Sonic food bc i was nauseous 🥲 lol)#anyway sorry for rambling hope everyone else's Saturday is going better than mine
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Sorry crew. I am having. A bad day.
#if I have to hear my dead name again I’ll explode#I hate dealing with doctors#and paramacys#and having to be on medication until I die#and probably needing to be on more than I already am#sigh. I need a long bath and perhaps a nap#sigh#rat rambles
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okay sooo 1. once little man is done with my laptop i need to do the ssn shit bc i have the letter 2. in an hour i need to switch my laundry to the dryer and at Some point i need to sleep preferablyyyy i oush as long as i can its been 28 hours i Think? since i woke up i dont avtually remember its all kind of a blur i do have a headache and my fuckshit tooth is bothering me but whatever . once i get the ssn login thing done im pretty sure i can get a new card like right away and then once that gets here i can go and get my permit And by then my new glasses will be here which is epics and ummm at some point not today bc im tired and have a headache aka not at my best. so once those 2 things r not the case i need to do the science and math ged practice tests ive been putting them off bc im scared ill do bad SKULL.but i need to get those done ... and omce i have the permit and everything thennnnnn i can go do my actual proper ged tests and once those r done ill have my ged and an id and thus can start applying for jobs again And ill be so brave and ask my mom to teach me how to drive . YIPPEE
#im not a tually very tired i kind of just want to scream nd explode and run around the neighborhood or something. but its okay#and once i get a job and i e saved up umm i think my rule is 1000 then im allowed to go to the dentist for my fuckshit tooth and im allowed#to go to the um whatsit called for my fuckshit hormones and im allowed to maybe find a psych again and see if we can get things cooking up#there as in i think i rly srsly need medication . bc i dont think im going to go for talk therapy like ever again bc its kind of useless to#me which is funny bc god if theres one thing i do its fucking talk . but whatever.i think i need to see a proper psych and not one that im#like. going to With my mom and thus am obviously not honest#and i can get a gp of course probably thatll be the first step but irs so like. i dknt understand how yr supposed to get a gp#not a gp is it. pcp thats what i meant#primary care physician i need to find one I tried in wa but i didnt like. idk i think im a tually deeply atupid and not made to livenin the#world but also rhere was a lot of shit working against me up there LOL .so yeah omand then once i do all that i will work and work and work#and work and save up money i wanna save like assssssss much money as i can b4 i move out just in case theres like. issues. + like ill be#buying furniture and stuff and itll be lotsies like. since i dont rly have any furniture i think will be coming with me or nothing ....#so yes . this is connors 8000 step plan for being a person again and once i get all of this done then i will maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe#maybe be stable enough to start making friends again. so see me in like 1-2 years and we will see how its going#thats probably dramatic. but like idk i think itll take me at least a year or so From now to like. save up minimum amt for apartment#not that i have a ton of expenses or anything but some of my mkney will probably be going to my parents just to help with everythang#and idk how much ill be making of course. less than wa one presumes bc its umm#cheaper here . you know...#ok. i just wish i could do it all today and i didnt have to wait its always always always waiting i hate it#why cant the world revolve around when i get my sudden bursts of energy#ohhh but whatever. ill have my apartment and maybe even a car depending on how the whole driving thing goes and i can name my car and#get like stickers or something from my car Probably not a tually that a tually scares me quite a bit bc the idea of somebody seeing my car#and being able to think something abt me from it scared me quite ferociously i dont rly know why its not like a Oh what if they FIND ME !#im just a control freak and i hate that ppl can see like#a thing abt me and then make an assumption abt who i am as an entire person bc i need everybody to understand every facet of everything abt#me so that im not misinterpreted or misunderstood or whatever Which is an impossible thing and i need to get over that and i shouldnt be#reaking out abt a sticker on a car oh my goddd.#but also like this may be a lie but i was told it when i was like 10 soive been assuming it was true but when i was 10.somenody told me#car stickers r like permanent and like logically im thinking abt it idk how true rhat is but they do seem kind of a bitch to remove and what#if im like oh ill get a picture of like idk smurfette or something and then like idk smurfs company comes out and theyre like I actually
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