#and maybe thats okay. maybe thats more than enough. :(
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Visit Tumblr Blog
Explore Tumblr blogs with no restrictions, modern design and the best experience.
Last Seen Tumblr Blogs
Fun Fact
Premium Tumblr themes are available from anywhere between $9 to $49.
Text
sᴇᴀ sᴏᴀᴋᴇᴅ ᴀɴᴅ sᴀɴᴅʏ
_________ ׂׂૢ་༘࿐ ┊fem!reader x lee felix ┊ warnings: language,not fully proofread, ending is lowk cringe, fluff, a lot of fluff, fluffy!┊tropes: childhood bff to luvrs!, friends to lovers..┊a lot of ocean and beach refs and lit devices<3┊if u cant tell i luv this trope sm.. enjoy! ┊ ˚✧
y/ns voice spread out, as she and felix ran out on the sand. The granules of sand coursing between their toes as they ran out towards the horizon, the only thing on their minds is childish wonder and curiosity. With their hands linked tight, their feet wade through the shallow water, until a wave comes crashing back among shore. Crashing them both along with it.
The sunset was beautiful, the hues among them like a melting pot of wax, all gooey and stuck together. The shades of warm tones, the oranges, and the pinks reminded felix of y/n.
Of how warm she was, how when they were together she warmed his soul until she was all he knew.
the coughing and sputtering of y/n pulled felix from out of his thoughts.
“oh my- “ as she let out another cough, standing up, water licking at her ankles. felix sat and sprawled back onto the sand, sighing and spluttering water like a leaky engine.
“..you.. you okay?” felix was laughing in between his words, as if getting caught under the waves was something hilarious to him.
y/n coughed once more, and plopped down besides him.
linking her hand with his once more.
“i should be asking you that, lix. you got dragged under faster than me!”
felix laughed at that, leaning his head on her shoulder as they both looked up at the sky.
“ooh- wanna go dive for shells? please? or else im gonna tell your mom..”
felix gave her a shocked face, “you didn't have to threaten me, sunny. come on.”
everyone called felix sunny, because it's what he was. he was so bubbly, such an uplifting person to be around. His entire existence seemed to brighten the earth.
who would ever think the sun was orbiting another?
y/n kept felix sane. she kept him who he was. She was the only reason that he was able to be the ‘sunny’ that he was.
that's why y/n was felix’s sunny. and why she would always be.
y/ns entire face lit up when she realized felix said yes, and she quickly got up. Dusting herself off, and offering her hand to felix.
obviously felix took it, even when they were eight years old, he was ready to give up his world for her.
even if he didnt know it himself yet.
felix thought that was his best friend forever. And of course, she was, to this day. That was going to be his everything for the rest of his life, but he was so painstakingly unaware at the fact that he loved her.
maybe it was more he could realize?
present day
“felix. please im begging.”
“how am i supposed to know if i want to if you wont tell me?” there were breathy laughs in his voice as he talked. not because he found the fact that you facetimed him asking him to accompany you somewhere, no. Its because you are hell bent on not telling him where you want to go.
“just trust me! do you not love me anymore? damn. i remember little felix would always go with me wherever i wanted to go…”
y/ns voice was teasing, on the verge of laughing, but because felix could see her face, she had to hold it in. Overall making the situation amplified in amusement.
“no- nononono, you know thats not why!” his voice was littered with laughter, putting a hand on his mouth to stop laughing.
“no its okay, i get it you just hate me. ugh- “
“fine. i'll go with you, okay? just to prove my love to you. ‘kay sunny?”
y/n eventually smiled upon hearing that sentence from him, as if she wasnt waiting for it to come.
“kay! meet me at the boardwalk- thingie- and wear a swimsuit.”
“y/n. sweetheart. its a decking. for my sake.”
“lixxie!”
felix instantly looked in the direction of the nickname that he loved only when it came from a specific person. and sure enough, he saw her, in all her glory.
the sun was beating down upon her face, causing her eyes to squint the slightest bit. Her hair was blowing in the gentle wind. as if the sky knew how delicate and beautiful she was, as to not hurt her. she was waving enthusiastically at him, her hands only holding her phone by its keychain, and a water bottle. she was wearing a big t shirt overtop her swimsuit, and he could tell because he could see the beads of her bikini strings poking through. she seemed to glow in the eyes of felix, but that may just be because she could be glowing at her worst moments. it didn't matter to him.
he didnt even answer, but instead, instantly lifting her in a hug. one of her flip-flops sliding off her feet in the process.
“dude- if we were going to the beach you could've just told me.”
y/n answered in a fabricated annoyed voice, perfected by the amount of times she's done it to felix.
“when was the last time we've seen a proper sunset, huh? we never have time anymore. its sad.”
as felix put her done, there was also a faint look of pondering on his face. he knew she was right. as they grew much older from when they were kids, they never went to the beach as often anymore. something that was a crucial formation in their friendship.
“you do have a point.. come on, i miss it.”
he motioned for her to walk, and they eventually settled into the calming rhythm of walking in the sand once they descended the steps down the decking. y/n put her things in the little net bag she always brought to the beach, and set them at the bottom of the wood decking along with her flip flops. felix followed, setting his phone in the same bag as hers, and putting his busted up beach crocs next to hers.
their arms were linked before they even reached the water.
when they did, the sun enhanced the features of the water heavily. making it glitter, and the water was warmed by the sun, like it was a relationship that brought out the best in both of the people.
the sun danced upon felix’s face, his freckles seemingly becoming more enhanced every second y/n stared at him, and as she peeled off her shirt to dive into the water, felix wasnt being subtle either.
“you ready?”
y/ns voice brought him out of his trance, and surfaced him. like she always did.
how did she always manage to catch him like that?
“don't kick me again, i remember you used to do that all the time as kids. the bruises i got were unreal.”
the smile in his voice was undeniable, and the way he was looking at her with such pure awe was as well.
“shut up, come on- the water looks so good.”
and of course, she dived in without a second thought. Immediately vanishing under the surface with a feasible amount of bubbles and froth.
felix followed soon after.
the cool water hit him hard in contrast to the blazing hot sun on that day, and it seemingly washed all his troubles away with it.
as he resurfaced, y/n was already up, pushing her clumped up locks of hair out of her face, and slapping her face with water.
“i forgot how good this felt.”
she said to him, in a sweeter voice that nearly threw him back years to when they were kids. He could've sworn that he was eight again, yelling and laughing as they dove into the waves as many times until their bodies were more tired than their minds were now.
growing up hurts.
felix’s eyes were swelling with tears as fast as the ocean was swelling with waves, his mind was in the midst of remembering, and of course y/n noticed. she always noticed it when it was felix.
“lix?-.. what-?”
before she could even finish her sentence, he snatched her. just like he was a queen conch at the bottom of the ocean floor, holding her delicately and quietly crying into her shoulder. the water was still hip deep, a bit ,higher on y/n due to their gap in heights, and the water was still swirling around them.
y/n reacted as quickly as it happened, wrapping her arms around his drenched torso, pushing a hand into his sopping wet hair. She subtly kissed his neck in the process, hoping to offer him some nostalgic comfort.
felix was nearly about to fall apart in her hands, feeling the weight of change in his mind, and his mental in general. The minute that he felt the little piece of heaven caress his neck, he felt faint. and not in the type of way where he wanted it to end, but it was in the way where he couldn't get enough.
if he wanted to fall apart, he could. he could do anything and she would still love him, and thats why he loved her. he loved her more that could be represented audibly, but for one, he could show his true self with her. he could bear his feelings out in the open, and she would love him, care for him, and do anything for him.
y/n led him out of the water, onto the sand. and as they both sat down on the sand and as he retracted his head out from by her shoulder and looked at her, she stared back.
he looked beautiful.
she reached out to wipe the excess tears falling from his eyes, and kissing a freckle on his nose. her gentle touch was enough to soothe his aching heart.
“y/nnie…”
felix was talking between sniffles, and the way that he looked at her was enough to melt the coldest heart, and obviously, y/n wasn't the strongest.
“its okay lix.. i'm right here.”
and, once again, she reached for his hand.
and once again, he reciprocated.
“isnt the sunset so pretty?”
that, said by y/n, took both their attentions, and directing it on the sky. the beautiful warm-toned sky. it was familiar for some reason, and invoking a sense of nostalgia in the both of them.
“not as pretty as you.”
it took felix a second to realize he said that out loud.
“…huh?”
he could've sworn y/ns eyes had stars in them. her gaze was so hopeful, it hurt him. she was so beautiful.
“sunny i-.. i don't think i can keep going like this anymore.”
he wanted her. and he couldn't control it. he felt like a tidal wave that was building up for so long, the current was overtaking him. he couldn't deal with it.
“what-? felix what do you-”
there wasn't much time to register what happened-
it was the salty contact of two waves crashing along shore, it was the feeling of connection after being deprived of it for so long, it was like finding the perfect shell.
it felt like home. it tasted like it was long overdue, and the sun was basking them in light as if it was enchanted.
it happened.
the crashing of felix’s lips onto hers.
the deepening of the kiss, something that should've happened so many moons ago.
as her hand was shoved deep into his hair, tugging softly, as if she wanted him closer.
of course, felix just had to breathe after that transformative moment.
“did- did that just- did i just kiss you?”
felix’s shaky breaths in between his words were the telling factor that he didnt know whether to laugh or cry, but upon seeing y/n smiling and on the verge of laughing, he made his decision.
the waves crashing in the background were overthrown by the sounds of their laughter, finally finding each other after all this time.
after inhaling a deep breath and calming herself, she noticed the sun around ten minutes from dipping below the horizon, and looked over at the boy next to her.
“lix..” “yeah?”
“would you believe it if i say i fell in love with you on this very beach?”
felix’s eyes widened upon hearing that, his gaze locked on you more than it ever had before.
“no way. how old.”
y/ns smile was irrevocable when she said-
“eight.”
felix clapped a hand over his mouth to prevent his jaw from falling off in literal pure shock.
“y/n y/l/n. say you're lying.”
“Im not! why is that so hard to believe?”
her giggles came out between her words, her eye contact with felix unwavering.
“i fell in love with you when we were eight. on this beach.”
now it was y/ns turn to be shocked.
she instantly put a hand on his shoulder, and started laughing, kissing what seems as every single visible freckle on his face.
“i- love- you- lix-xie!”
hs response came sea soaked and sandy-
“i love you too, my sunny.”
#best friend#best friends to lovers#skz x reader#skz imagines#skz#stray kids#skz stay#lee felix#skz felix#felix x reader#stray kids felix#kpopidol#kpop bg#kpop#kpop boys#oneshot#imagine#imagines#friends to lovers#love#reading#long reads#long post
26 notes
·
View notes
Text
had to cry a little after reading this. also i dont know why i didnt just put keep reading on it in the first place. ive known im not alone for a while but i feel like thats what accepting yourself is all about. i know im trans. its about turning the knowing into feeling.
your story is beautiful and im so grateful to hear it. its thrilling that i get to be a woman!!! and i wont be for a while, but i get to grow up like all the girls around me got to, just a little older physically. i'm lucky to be in quite an accepting environment and i cant help but want to echo the words youve said to people who need them more because theyre very valuable. im sure some places i wont be accepted, but as long as i accept myself, as long as its authentic enough for myself. i need to teach myself that thats when its okay. after today i feel more excited and ready to start than ever. im so grateful for this website, i feel more accepted than ever. im just getting to be that girl i could never quite put my finger on wanting to be, and thanks to the motivation from lovely women like yourself one day ill get to be in real life too. and itll all be okay in the end.
if only i was born that way, but maybe there's a reason why we were born trans too. im not particularly spiritual or religious, but in the back of my mind i like to believe everything happens for a reason. not even believe, just leave it on like a porchlight back there in case it leads anything good to me. look at me getting all poetic but everything is so insignificant that there must be a significance to it. the fact im here right now. one of a kind of the kind one of a kind. i was faced with a challenge so unique to myself and such a specific group of people, whatever i was meant to become. im here right now for a reason. this is one step in my story and what have you i dont actually know where im going with this im waffling erm.
i think bottom line is accepting my transness is accepting its beautiful. its not a mental illness and even if it is, so be it. above all it's me. this is who i am and i need to go live it or i'll die first.
i think im starting to accept that im a girl and. im just heartbroken
i feel robbed, i couldve been so much happier and im grateful that ill get to be, but its all so much more complicated. its not fair
i shouldnt feel as calm as i do. it seems so up here but i feel like its just stress masquerading as quiet. i just dont have the words anymore
they should get to work on that button
36 notes
·
View notes
Text
What would you choose? :0c
(note: original image is from HERE (link) - but I edited it to add a wider variety of options.. also added $3 extra to the total, even though I know that makes it more uneven lol, I thought if you're adding 10 whole extra items, the money to spend should at least be increased slightly, if that makes sense..)
#I would get orange juice. black coffee. AND iced coffee ($3) because I love the variety of having multiple drinks#then sausage and scrambled eggs ($8). Then sauteed mushrooms ($3)....AND... hrm.. then spending the remaining $4 would be hard#I wish I could get waffles (as they are my favorite and are superior in every way compared to pancakes. donuts. etc.) but I'm not willing#to give up the other savory things just to get them. so... then maybe I could get a biscuit or english muffin? and just put jam or#honey butter or something on it so it can be my replacement 'sweet and bready' thing instead of something from the $5 row??#OR I could also just assume that having the orange juice plus iced coffee would provide enough of a 'sweet element' to the meal#(since I largely prefer savory foods. I only like a tiny bit of sweet added for variety) and thus forego any sort of#'bready' thing entirely and just get the bowl of beans/onion/tomato (I'd leave the avocado since I don't like the#texture of them really lol). THEN I'd have $1 left to get the milk or the black tea... increasing my total of random drinks..#which is always the goal of course.. as a chronic ''person who is sipping at 5 different drinks at their desk simultaneously always'' perso#OR... I could just do.. waffle. scrambled eggs. sausage. mushrooms. and black coffee and orange juice.. which is... okay variety#augh... so difficult.. As my Ideal Breakfast is like a buffet type thing or something where you have like 25 different things to choose fro#and can get a little tiny bit of everything. My eating style is very much like.. I'd rather pick at a small amount of a ton of#different things than just have a very large amount of only one or two things. Thats why I LOVE sample platter type stuff.#So it's like... augh... the ideal option would be a tiny portion of EVERYTHING actually lol...#Difficult to choose...#ANYWAY.. Also no idea why I added croissant instead of bagel. I only thought about that afterwards. I do actually like bagels.#I've only ever even had a croissant like 2 times in my entire life. Yet I've had many bagels. For some reason it stuck out in my mind more#when I was considering 'essential breakfast foods' somehow... how could I forget them... bagels my beloved...#Blame it on the hot weather... 'What in the blazes? The sun hath obliterated the concept of bagels from my miind!'#(< meant to be said in a silly overdramatic elderly wizard accent or something)#Also I don't think ''bowl of beans. onion. avocado. and tomatos.'' is necessarily a breakfast classic or something gbhjjh#but I was just trying to think of a versatile vegetable-ish side that could be full of common breakfast additions#so people could do stuff like ''oh I get the toast option and then the bowl of stuff and I put the avocado on the toast'' etc.#Like a mix and match. You could mix ingredients from different parts. You could put scrambled eggs and bacon and onion#on the bread or soemthing. etc. I just feel like something is always missing if a Full Breakfast Spread#doesnt have some sort of onions or beans or mushrooms or asparagus or spinach like... some sort of thing that isn't just eggs and meat and#bread.. you know? lol..#But then again.. I am the Sampling Plate Style Variety Lover and Tiny Portion Of Food Picker so maybe thats just a me thing.
130 notes
·
View notes
Text
i think im in too deep w charmander duo. bc i was thinking abt how flame thinks very little abt bans, and how theres a genuine possibility he helps the Guardians ban people not even bc he thinks bans should matter, but just like for fun bc he doesnt think of it that seriously. which led me to thinking "wait but pangi could help him change his mind ^-^" nd now im just thinking of an au where pangi does Just That .
#lifesteal spoilers#charmander duo#pangi#flamefrags#i gen think only losing mane or pangi could help change his perspective tbh#i don't see pangi doing this realistically but that's why its an au :D#bc to me in this au its like worst case scenario of flame banning more than just already banned players#maybe not at the end of s6 but approaching the end#so thats why i think pangi would be more okay banning himself to help flame see things differently#i think hes aware zam and derap seperately will Not let him stay banned too bc zam is zam#and derap would stop at nothing to revive pangi like theyre buddies!!#but he would at least say he wont come back to emphasize how permanent it is and how no matter who is banned#it will matter to at least one person. itll impact SOMEONE. just like pangi is intending for his own life to matter to flame#tho if pangi did ban himself i think itd upset zam and derap a lot ToT#like esp if its for the guy whos been banning other people. even if it does change flame its like#itd feel like a loss nonetheless for the team intent on keeping everyone alive#esp bc its someone derap actually cares abt#sry idk if zam cares abt pangi like that which is why im focusing on cringe and charmanders#LOL#ik empires are a thing but zams way of treating pangi def doesnt show his care tbh#like the only people who actually seem to value pangi on ls is derap and flame#and even they would never choose him first#but they care enough that I think pangi being banned would impact them the most#sorry for angst posting on christmas#it might happen again#later#it depends. im in a Mood.#n e ways! im gonna nap before my social obligations ^-^
50 notes
·
View notes
Text
OH RIGHT umm hi guys u made total drama kiibouma …. and just kinda td x dr in general. but mostly kiibouma
based on the average td challenge of “okay campers now eat the Slop”
based on diving challenges. they are absolutely about to throw kokichi off that cliff (and actively throwing kiibo)
bonuses :
didnt really like this one but its supposed to be like “oh wow hes sneaking out at night to be evil and plot hes such an antagonist”
yaoi
#im so cringe but im sooooo free#im also just so eepy so i lack the nervousness to go ‘ermm maybe i shouldnt post this’#ouuug i love gay peope ouugugggghhh …..#also i think kaito looks kinda stupid hehe. i put a lot more work into thr maki and himiko designs than gonta and kaito and it shows#god i loved studying the td style for these i love autism#btw im calling it tdv3#okay i think thats enough rambling in the tags from me#life or toss for dry kokichi life!! TOSS TOSS TOSS TOSS TOSS#kiibo#keebo#k1-b0#kokichi ouma#kaito momota#himiko yumeno#maki harukawa#gonta gokuhara#kiibouma#danganronpa v3#ndrv3#danganronpa#danganronpa edit#total drama edit#total drama#sorry for td fans trying to scroll thru those tags peacefully. sorry for the dr jumpscare#bamgam.txt#bamgam.art
101 notes
·
View notes
Note
Honestly Rayla is equally 100% ride or die for Callum too.
That's so true I almost mentioned it in that post. They're so ridiculously feral for each other it's hilarious to watch. Callum's the legitimate "we ride AND die together" whereas Rayla is the "I will ride and die FOR you" sort of deal yknow?
Could be literally any situation, no matter how dangerous, and she's already decided she will die here. Does it ensure Callum lives? Then batter-up buckeroo we're going in swords blazing! Everyone cheer and clap for her human or she'll blow this whole place up. Kinda person who says "even if you hate me I'd still lose everything if it meant you were okay". She thinks they're in a tragic love story where she's always at risk of losing him but that's okay as long as it keeps him safe and happy like y'know Viren parallels, she'd risk losing her very self for him over and over. Except Callum would wait until the end of the world itself, and even beyond, and she wouldn't even have to ask.
The difference between them, really, is that Rayla will die for Callum on any given day. Callum will kill for Rayla on any given day. Something something matching sets
#tdp#the dragon prince#asks#rayllum#tdp callum#tdp rayla#talk#someone in the tags of that post said 'raylas self loathing works hard but callums devotion works even harder' and they own that post now#its theirs. they summed it up beautifully. they own it#'yes hes cringe but hes MY cringefail loserboy!!!!! get your OWN'#everyone else would say the 'hes a 10 but--' except for rayla. shes just 'hes a 10. hes just a 10 striaght-up'#he is not. he is so not a 10 i love him but hes not a 10 shes just so ill for him#so insane that the girl who has issues abt not being or being wanted by anyone or not good enough for ppl to stay/want her#proceeds to find maybe the 1 guy in the entire world who will choose her no matter WHAT#and even when SHE was the one who left & he was pissed he was still 100% sticking by her. hes staying#oops she showed him affection. now hes stuck forever! shame. welp guess thats how it goes!#and its partially bc of that she'd die for him. she needs him to b okay even if shes not there. mix of that loathing like#'he could still b happy without me so i need to ensure he lives so he can STAY happy at my own detriment. he means more than me'#girl if you died he would literally crumple into dust. fold in like cardboard in the rain. lay face-down in the sand & just die there#same w callum hes like 'i can hurt myself over & over for her if shes alive. if the danger is dead then she can live longer. i will live bu#tear myself apart so long she is safe'#bestie. if you reach the point of no return she will sacrifice herself to get the old you back WHAT THEN
67 notes
·
View notes
Text
the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
im so sick of embarrassment and anxiety being kind of in control of ?my entire life? at this point
#when someone maturely points out a behavior of mine they are politely asking me to stop doing or is even just checking to make sure im ok#i burst into tears#and no one is more bothered about that than me IM SO SICK OF CRYING OVER NOTHING#IM SO SICK OF MAKING A MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOLEHILL#IM SO SICK OF BEING COMPLETELY UNABLE TO REGULATE MY FEELINGS#Is it repression when i try to cheer myself up or is it wallowing in self pity when i just let myself cry#is it proof of decent willpower and self motivation skills that i can and will make myself do something i Don't Fucking Want To Do#or am i just not taking care of myself#secret: its the second thing but the REAL problem is that i need to be okay with it#it needs to not be a problem#i love doing mock trial but all the stress around it makes me want to quit but we're so close to regionals and i cant do that to the team#and i hate that i want to quit and i hate that the reason im not quitting is because im afraid of being embarrassed by doing so#and i hate myself andmy feelings and my irresponsibility and im still just half-assing my assignments#and i have a lot of casual friends but i know for a fact im not anyones best friend im not anyones favorite friend and#i want people to ask me to hang out but im worried that if i dont then it looks like im not interested but im worried that#if i do it too much i look desperate and like im imposing myself and like im . well this phrasing is painful for other reasons but#im scared of acting like im closer friends with someone than they think we are#and i dont know where the line is and i dont know what to do or what to say all i know how to do is make small talk and#exaggerate my facial expressions and tell a stupid fucking joke every 3 seconds#i like my life but im so fucking sick of the fact that *im* the one living it#i dont even want to be someone else i just want to be a version of myself thats not a fucking loser#who can actually put effort into assignments without wanting to throw my laptop out the window#who can be normal about other people#who doesn't have the dumbest fucking anxiety disorder ever#who consistently memorizes the stuff i need to know and can improvise on the fly#who's not an embarrassment to my team and also That One Guy They Keep Letting Hang Out With Us For Some Reason to my friendgroups#who can answer questions in class without looking like a suckup and also does it the right amount to make an impression but not enough to b#embarrassing#who can FUCKING talk to someone instead of making a vent post on *tumblr dot com*#for fucks sake i even wish i didnt use tumblr so much. maybe if i could get into a different social media that's normal i wouldn't be so
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
ive mentioned before my like. fascination and incomprehensible attachment to mysterious ambiguously brown man characters in schlocky fantasy romance media marketed towards women and a lot of it is from like, a like. nearly anthropological standpoint as someone heavily interested in orientalism in narrative media from a visual culture and art historical point of view and a part of it is also from being mixed race and ambiguous IRL LOL BUT there is one other angle i havent really touched on thats on my mind a lot. you know that bit we all go through where someone reads something like mediocre and it sticks in their mind more than something well written? the "I COULD FIX THISSSS" curse..... im like this with ambiguously brown characters. holds loosely (LOOSELY) south asian coded love interest from some romance comic #8997485344534984875943 tenderly in my hands..... my brother i know you weren't written with this depth but i know the truth. i know about your complexities as you navigate this fantasy europe as a racialized man. i know your truth
#sorry im reading another villainess manhwa. its pretty good - villainess's stationary store or whatever the full name is#like the kids are adorable the main character is hilarious and its a fun comic. the comedy in it in general is some of the best#ive seen in a long strip comic for a while especially with how they play with the format#the characters are all great. but i am. of course. specifically obsessed with isaac#main love interest who doesnt even show up meet up with the mc for the first third.... talk about a slow burn#but i love him he is a normal man with something slightly wrong with him. black coffee with a single blueberry shot type of guy#BUT also his design is pretty south asian coded which is a welcome surprise in general but like. you know me. sees one cartoon brown guy#south asian brother??? west asian friend? southest asian bestie??? north african pal?? maybe even carribean family?????#(in the tone of new shoes? are those puppies new?) brown king? brown king? is that a brown king?#SURPRISINGLY they did actually point out how like. much he stands out in the cast like once or twice#but you know ive already grabbed him and put way more layers on him than he actually has. like unconciously LOL#kids loving him vs societal views of him... his success as like the Biggest Wizard vs him as a very visible minority#only in my minds eye as i read. but thats okay. sometimes thats what happens when you read enough pulpy genre fiction as i do <3
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
Maybe its cause im only half listening to this convo, but I am not rocking w 4cs whole bit rn
#it feels a bit like theyre talking in circles#Ans their ideals are similar enough that I dont know why he needs to convince zam hes wrong or whatever#sparrow liveblogs#maybe im super biased or whatever but fuckkkkkkkkkk#yap fest where no one says anything worthwhile or useful !!#OKAY but !! for real though- 4cs ideaology seems to be nothing more than theory- theres no way for him to really put it in practice#WHATEVER WHATEVER#I dont care I think thats enough stream for today im getting irritable lol
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
ngl i think i kind of was a genius for being like 'yeah this character is a scary killyou cannibal scary killer who scary kills you' and then realizing that the way my worldbuilding works out is that there's a nonzero chance that if you leave literally any body parts over they can just come back, depending on what they believe in their heart of hearts can kill them. Of course she'd start eating her kills. She probably tried normal stuff first and then realized it didn't work and she had to try harder if she wanted to actually keep them dead.
#red rambles#im working on a character who i made up years and years ago and wasnt even happy with then because he didnt seem to have enough like#interior thoughts he was just like a guy who killed people when he was stressed and his life was constantly stressful and then he killed on#person too many and they were like 'this is fucking untenable and he has to die' and then they killed him#which is soooooooooo absolutely nothing honestly. Like it works as a barebones summary but i want to stress there was actually straight up#nothing else there. the entire rest of his whole whatnot was just being entangled with Haven who is a different character who at the time#ALSO felt unsatisfyingly lacking in interiority but at lesat he had really complex motivations and action flowcharts. that werent just 'i#get grumpy and i just go kill some random person with no regard for what the consequences will be and then i am so mean and i kill you'#now theres a lot more happening. i really didnt. like.#okay so i had a Backstory worked out but it was vague because i didnt know what the fuck he WANTEDDDDDDD right like. i had no motivations a#literally all except 'oohhh i kill people ooohhh i like killing people ooohhh im erratic i kill people' and the background i HAD was like.#Upper class scion of some rich family whose family honest to god just did not like him very much and also [gestures vaguely] i guess he#maybe kicked dogs or something and then he ??nebulous timeline meets haven and then kills his sister or kills his sister and very quickly#thereafter meets haven but i usually lean toward the former because haven LOVES convincing people to kill their whole families its like#cathartic for him because he would love to kill his entire family but physically cannot do it. but like kind of the implications of this#as far as i was concerned given this is set in the mid 1800s was like. ehhh he's getting away with this because he's rich white and male an#it pays to turn a blind eye to his indiscretions or w/e. a genderswap means that she'd be subject to a lot more scrutiny on basis of like#misogyny. LOL. and i already had the preexisting 'hates half sibling' (i genderswapped the sister into a brother because why not) and 'hate#parents' and 'parents strongly dislike her' and 'unsettling' and it worked nicely to start giving me actual fucking. Literally anything to#work with there. because it means that by going off with Haven she walks out of one situation where she has like 0 agency into another one#and like to be clear i respect anyone who is sitting around in haven's general vicinity for snapping and just starting to kill people. me t#but this works. SOOOOOOOOOO much better for real#im still working the kinks out but like also this means that she wins. she wins like multiple times actually. she comes closer to killing#haven than anyone since he learned what fucking species he was and causes him more trouble in the interest of getting the FUCK out of there#than anyone else has and then she fucking gets what she was going for against literally every effort haven could've made over ~five decades#get owned loser.#every time i draw her i cant help it i write some shit like PLEASE JUST GET DIVORCED on it even though i wrote the fucking narrative i know#it will never fucking happen and thats why she does all this shit instead#in another world she'd be like the wildly capable owner of Raytheon 2 or some other shit like that. like she'd never be a nice or good#person but she wouldn't be dead. god she could be in charge of a country or some shit. Alas. Please get divorced.
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
sorry i just. need to rant for a second
#cause dude the whole joost situation is SO fucking upsetting#he's mentioned over and over again how overwhelming this whole overnight success thing has been for him and to respect his boundaries#and instead of yk respecting his wishes “fans” go and make things worse by constantly overstepping and being creepy and weird like hello???#like why can't we all just be normal and take a step back and enjoy things#these people are gonna end up driving him off the internet and i wouldn't blame him one bit#and the worst part is the people who should get the memo obviously don't (or refuse to) bc this isn't an isolated instance#like its been going on for a while now#idk man i just think about how hard it must be for him rn#one of the things that turned me into a joost fan (besides his music) was his personality#like i obviously dont know him on a personal basis#but from the little bits ive seen he comes across as a really genuine and sweet and kind dude#super thoughtful as well. like i just love the way he thinks and his take on things#like i remember watching his eurovision interviews and just thinking oh man this dude's a ray of sunshine LMFAO#also the literal definition of resilience like dude's been through so much stuff and hes always managed to come out on top despite of it#and thats something i really admire about him too. like the way he put it as not letting your traumas be just that#but also something that can drive you forward#but yeah dude's had more than enough like he deserves to be happy and have some peace and ppl keep ruining it for him and it makes me upset#like i actually slept like shit last night and woke up feeling terrible and i wonder if what went down yesterday w the whole live thing#has anything to do with it lmfao#and you may be like ok well youre taking it too personally and letting it affect you#and yeah maybe youre right LOL but i cant help it i care about the guy and i want him to be okay#he seems to have a really good support system though so i hope things blow over soon and he can finally have some peace#anyway. rant over! 💋#raquel speaks
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
its always morally correct to wish death on your ex
#personal#i am actually doing Generally okay with all of this#i fucking hate him and i hope he dies. but jm okay#im having these weird mixed emotions#i cried twice today in second period but like. im laugjing more#and i keot sayibg i wanted to drop them all anyways#i guess they did it for me?#still hurts more than anythinf#“i loved him” if yoy did then why did you break up with me lol#“oh maybe we can try agaib one day” we Both know thats only happening if i reach out first#youdidnt care enough to text after months until i did it first#but honestly im trying my best not tk think about it because being upset is what he wants from me#imnot govinf him that. im not feeling bad over something he caused#i hate him and i hope he dies. but its okay#maybe kne day i can be hashtag normak enough to talk tk him without bursting into tears#hes really sayinghow imade himfeel fuckcjing manajic wheni had panic attacks because the guy who sits across from me#in art class looks lile him#like ughhow fo you not see what you did to me! you caused the worst 3 months of my life. thanks i guess...#but i find it hard tj care seeing as im always second best#i knownyou like that fucking guy better than you ever liked me#but it wouldve been nice if you ag least tried to hide it#all of that said. i might be okat#💭
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯
#i gotta plan and make to do lists so fucking hard ive only got two months#im getting so excited about studying?! 😭#i think now that finals are close enough i can see the path clear#its like that rumi quote the closer im to things the better i see how far im from them or something#i think i messed up second internals and i do not want to be casual anymore#i do not have time to be sad about if im getting involved in petty hostel shenanigans i want to study#idc if i end up scoring less that the girl who only studies night before and end up scoring more than everyone somehow im doing this for my#future#please god help me be focused and motivated please#im glad i skipped classes to spend these 9 days at home even if i can't go home for another four months and have to cry my brains out#ig ill be okay#ive lost all my hobbies and interests and all i can think about rn is jobs and internships so i think thats what i can do#study#if not the best at least consistent#okay maybe ill listen to ttpd#but STUDDDYYYYYY
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#periodical life updates#lets hope this one goes better than the last one </3#anyway hi everyone. im in an entirely different timezone during this trip so its actually mid afternoon right now#thats not what this is about though this is about how im EXCITED FOR ARTFIGHT AS USUAL!!! lemmy posted his s/is and theyre so cute <3#also the theme reveal is coming on the 23! i hope its enough time for the theme templates? i love doing the theme templates with everyone :#this'll be my seventh year participating holy sht!! ive been doing this for seven (7) years!!!!!!!!#ive been feeling like ive been improving in art every artfight but idk how i'll fare this year. i feel like ive been a bit stagnant#and i did some PRETTY KILLER PIECES LAST YEAR;;; who knows if i'll top it; especially with summer college classes UGH#miserable about that btw. college my beloathed forever and ever amen. :/ ive been meaning to fix a few characters profiles and add some too#FINALLY going to separate kelly and jace! kelly is now the bureau of balance halfling only <3 ive been redrawing a new design of her :>#she has cute pointed ears now heho!! and actual more fantasy-esque clothes to fit her universe <3 jace is getting a separate profile!#jace is now solely my sona and i look SO much more gender now with the haircut and i can post my refs <33#i also want to post agent and icarus and all the javelins but that means i have to draw them actually hfjkh <33#i should also actually add something to shen's profile hfkjfh i care more about xer worldbuilding than xer character i feel </3#IVE BEEN MEANING TO GET QUEUE BACK UP but everytime i look at my drafts i feel so tired </3 theres ART i want to reblog!!!#ough. some other time. okay! im gonna get my artfight discord channel back up and running for the new artfight season! let's go let's go!#oh and i'll be sure to announce which team im joining obviously hdjfdh it'll probably be the lighthearted one <3#some of the themes this year are a little off? (stars vs nebula? heart vs soul? arent those the same thing?) but im hoping for the best <3#okay frfr going now! hope for queue soon maybe if i have time/energy! working on artfight! lets goooooo!! <3
13 notes
·
View notes
Text
SORRY TO SAY BUT YOURE GONNA HAVE FRIENDS FOREVER AND THEY WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU DEARLY WHETHER YOU KNOW FOR SURE OR NOT. YOU CANT ESCAPE BEING LOVED AND I HOPE ITS SO GENTLE AND KEEPS THE DAYS GOING.
#sucktacular sucks#ily and i know it doesnt make all the horrible feelings go away but you are never truly alone in this world#i hope you get to be surrounded by friends in person and i hope their love fills you entirely#side note yesterday i went to a festival eith a friend and their friends and their friends friends and#i sat on artificial turf while surrounded by so many people and watched some live preformances with great music#and i had a moment of 'im happy. i wish i could have this more often.'#and just thinking about how ive been trapped inside by my own neurotic horrors since march 2020#and i sigh and get teary eyed thinking about it... we are social creatures and we have communities and despite so much horror#a lot of us just want to be friends and liked and gentle and be treated nicely#and just sigh. maybe i dont need to be so terrified all the time. maybe happiness is stored#in the socializing we do and the friends we keep#and maybe thats okay. maybe thats more than enough. :(#edit:#note to self
4 notes
·
View notes