#and maybe I am but like. idk. brain not good now

[cxvii666]

“TEDDY PICKER.”

band au! drummer katsuki bakugou x bassist reader

wc: 1.3k

"i don't want your prayer, save it for the morning after,"

"you're so full of shit"

you raise an eyebrow as your face scrunches in amusement. "i hope thats not me you're talking to like that-"

"-you, shut the fuck up. im talking to fucking dunce face over there who thinks that he can just parade in here whenever he fucking likes.."

katsuki bakugou was at the edge of his shit. as in maybe one more strike away from a full crashout. everyone in the room can tell.

it's about the fourth time of going over the rhythm of your band's new song. kyouka had written it a couple nights ago but she was, as she is about the rest of her music, extremely self critical. she had made katsuki, sero and you, play the same fucking rhythm over and over, then going back over to her little ipad and rewriting shit. honestly you were all fucking exhausted, katsuki feels like his wrists are gonna fucking fall off, his ears are ringing and, then all of a sudden he hears this agitating grating voice.

"idk why you're getting onto me? i actually have a role to play, kiri-"

the redhead hides his face in mina's shoulder at the mention of his name. kaminari had dragged him along to your, ahem closed practice session, and kaminari wasn't even in your band. as in, he served no physical purpose, and was actively trying to distract, and after all the pressure kyouka's under, katsuki is honestly surprised she even let him into her basement.

"nah don't even bring red into this because he actually just sits there and shuts the fuck up. YOU NEED TO-"

"would you fucking relax."

obviously you have to be the voice of reason, kyouka has taken this unsanctioned practice break to tune her guitar, sero had just gone out back for a smoke (he could probably sense bakugou's pop off and didn't want to be caught in the line of fire), and mina's lying on the couch with kirishima, tambourine resting on the ground, watching the shit go down.

it's not that you don't agree with bakugou, because he has a point. kyouka had written two songs on the set and then she given some weird artsy excuse as to why she needed a male voice on the tracks instead of her own. kaminari had of course said yes when she asked, and he was a surprisingly good singer. but whatever the case was, he had taken this as an opportunity to show up to your closed practice sessions, at any given point in time, lie on the couch hit his vape and give his entirely unsolicited, unpromoted, and unwanted opinions on every little thing you'd played so far. normally this would've been laughed off quite easily, but jirous anxiety in the track had put the whole band in a mood. even mina, your little groupie, who's only role really was to shake her lil tambourine and look hot, was quiet, slumped over the couch offering no commentary.

and the way things were looking the bakugou was two seconds away from taking a cymbal and crashing it over the other blonde's head.

"kami, if you're gonna be in here then you gotta be quiet while we practice the bridge, mmkay."

you're voice is steady careful not to piss anyone off or agitate the fight further. you were tired and wanted to call it a night. you're gig was in two days and you wanted to be up early for your lash appointment.

"like seriously," you kiss your teeth together noticing a makeup smudge under your left eye and rubbing at it and mutter, "you guys act like fucking children, i swear."

"ayo who tf are you kissing your teeth at?" bakugou's in fight mode by now, all kaminari's stupidity pushing him to the breaking point.

"are you delusional? i said don't fucking yell at me."

"am i yelling? clearly you are fucking delusional? all that weed you smoke has probably scrambled yer fucking brain-"

"-oh piss off, i was literally defending you-"

"i don't need defendin-"

"can we get started now," kyouka calls out, sero's returned and they're watching your back and forth with bakugou, smug looks on their faces like they're both in on a joke that you're not privy to. "or are you guys gonna keep up this weird foreplay you got going on?"

she swears as bakugou dashes a drumstick in her general direction, and sero snickers before picking it up and tossing it back to the blonde "what song are we on?"

the venue is live. like you guys have never played on a stage with this many people in the audience. you're fucking buzzing, decently faded, sunglasses perched on your nose ready to have a good time. sero and kaminari have just left you outside round the back of the venue, mina had got her claws into them and forced them to let her draw eyeliner on both guys. kaminari had left you with one of his straights and you had enough time to smoke it before going back in to freshen up and be ready just in time for the beginning of your set when the fire exit door bangs open.

it's katsuki. he looks good.

like really good.

"jirou not with you?" is what you say.

he scoffs and kicks an empty can lying on the ground. "nah, she's backstage with her girlfriend sucking face or sum' shit."

"so you came to find me?"

he tsks, "don't read to much into it yeah, y'er jus more tolerable than the rest of the fucking idiot squad."

you look at him through your shades taking in his form. he looks surprisingly nervous. his arms are exposed in his black vest, so he looks like a treat, but his shoulders are tense and you can see the goosebumps on his biceps. he's normally with jirou at this point in the night, the first band is still playing and the two of them are normally backstage decompressing or redoing sound checks or something like that while the rest of you fuck around.

"you really gonna smoke that shit before we go on?"

and he's always on your fucking back, digging into you, expressing his disgust in your choice of hobbies, like he's some self righteous being that can never do any wrong.

"i think you're an asshole."

he inches closer to where you're leaning against the brick wall of the building.

"i know."

and he connects your lips. its like fire, the sensation that flows through your body as your mouths move together, in perfect synchronisation. you've always been good together i suppose, flowed in similar ways. you have your bad habits that he's not fond of but so does he. he knows exactly how to piss you off and you get on his nerves, you think you're so cool with your stupid sunglasses and your stupid fingerless gloves, but fuck you're so hot.

he groans into your mouth as he carresses your sides with a tenderness you've never seen before. it turns you on to no end and you reach your hands round the back of his neck to grab his hair and pull him closer into you. its so intoxicating, the way his lips taste in your mouth, his tongue wrapping around yours, his rough hands gently trailing up your sides, like he's still scared to touch you.

you grab his hands and force them to hold onto your hips as you arch into him to deepen the kiss. he breaks for air but keeps you close like you'll slip right through his fingers if he lets go.

"we- uh, fuck," you've actually sucked all the sense out of his head and katsuki bakugou fucking stutters, it's probably the best day of your life and he can tell by the smug grin plastered on your face.

"just- fucking shut up."

"i didn't even say anything."

mandem you wont believe the week i had oml i saw my ex gf and lowk damn im actually in a really horrible mental state but like i feel like im fine but when i saw her she was like "you look really tired" i was like damn i am tired so i got some more t and literally hit my pen and slept and went to work and came home and slept and woke up at 3am to go out back and have a cig and sleep till like 4pm the next day and then go to work and idk i feel better now soooo I HAVE A COUPLE MATCH UPS IN MY DRAFTS ILL TRY GET THEM OUT TMRW I LOVE ALL OF YOU ☺️☺️☺️

[mayapapaya33]

Well at least you're disagreeing with what I DID say and not what I DIDN'T say! That's fine then, I much prefer that. Yeah, sure, agree to disagree that's fine.

As for the misogyny bit you're going for... um no. It's a bit ungenerous that you defaulted to that interpretation but ok. No, like Yeza, I am supportive of Veth's career as a strong independent adventurer lol. In your mind is there no happy medium between what happened in canon and what you just proposed? Her cowering in a basement in Felderwin forever? Do you REALLY think that's what I meant? Yeza loves her enough to not live in Felderwin in the latter part of the campaign, do you really think he wouldn't leave Felderwin for her if she had somehow managed to explain the situation to him earlier, or if finding a way to get a new body took longer than it did in canon? What if they never found an answer? What if she was stuck in the body of a goblin forever? Would she have been justified in never telling her family and never seeing them again?

Goblins are not reviled everywhere in the world, there are places they could live together in peace. And let's be real, how old is Luc anyway? Who knows? Certainly not Veth! Does he remember the terror of the goblin camp properly in his teeny tiny toddler brain? Even if he does remember, Goblins are a race of people not actually creatures so they should probably confront that at some point so that he isn't scared and prejudiced against an entire race for the rest of his life due to childhood trauma. Idk just putting that out there.

For instance, in this alternate universe where finding a spell for a new body took longer, maybe they could have set up a home base somewhere less anti-goblin for Yeza and Luc to live, much like the set up in Nicodranas during the latter half of C2 with Veth popping in and out visiting them between adventures. My point about finding a new body taking longer is that at a certain point, it does become a conscious choice to stay away from her family on Veth's part. Yes, the goblins are 100% responsible for their initial separation, but at some point, it is Veth's choice that keeps them apart. So how long does it take for it to stop being an acceptable decision? 1 year, 5 years? 10 years?

The Mighty Nein could hold off the entire city of Felderwin if they tried to start shit with Veth, so eventually it's not about her bodily safety anymore. It's about her fear of rejection. (I'm fairly certain Caleb could take the whole town by himself with a well-placed AOE lmfao). And I know they are allergic to it, but subtlety is also an option. Seriously, what if they never found an answer to get her a new body? Would she have never seen her family again? Sometimes there is no answer to life's gross unfairness, and you just have to bear terrible things and live your life anyway. That's my point. I'm thrilled for Veth that she got her wizard treatment plan and has a new body. That's fantastic! I'm saying sometimes life doesn't work out like that, and how long is it ok for her, or Anyone, Male, Female, Non-Binary, what-fucking-ever, to stay away from their family and not reconnect with them?

I hold everyone to the same standards of parenting I'm holding Veth to btw. Shitty double standards are shitty. I think Veth tries hard and does her best. But sometimes your best isn't good enough. To be blunt, she's an alcoholic who can't remember how old her kid is. Yes, the meta reason for that is because Sam Riegel can't resist making a joke and child ages are hard and he didn't think about it before the show. But Yeza knows how old Luc is and Veth doesn't. She straight up said she was drunk for most of his childhood. (1:04:26) The Mighty Nein Reunion: Echos of the Solstice.

Now, this is NOT to shame people for having a substance abuse issue, it's a serious problem and people deserve compassion and help. But it's still a serious issue that causes a lot of problems for the people around them. Again, in the entire context of the show, the scenes themselves are all very funny, but the in-universe facts of the matter are actually quite sad. Think about it, she was drunk for MOST of his childhood. Think about the implications of that.

To take the spotlight off of Veth for a moment, let's speak of probably my favorite mom in critical role, Marion. Perhaps this will clarify my stance on things, and maybe you'll still disagree, but that's ok. I love her dearly and she is a wonderful person. She is kind and caring and she love's Jester with all of her heart, but she is also not the best at parenting on the planet. She did the best she could, but her agoraphobia caused her to unintentionally neglect Jester. It's not her fault that she's mentally ill, but it was her responsibility to take care of Jester, and in that respect she failed. Life is hard and no one is perfect. Sometimes that's just the way it is. But child neglect is still child neglect, even when it's unintentional and you have good reasons. Now, I happen to like Marion as a person more than I like Veth, but I'm holding her to the same standards. Are you taking care of your kid, yes or no?

You said that Veth is indulgent because she feels guilty, yes that is 100% what it is. Which is totally understandable but doesn't exactly lead to the best parenting decisions or the best partnering decisions either. Honestly poor Yeza got volunteered into owning a dog and having their kid do combat training without even a private conversation, you'd think that would warrant a discussion between them. (I'd be annoyed if a male character unilaterally decided something like that without consulting a female character, why not extend the same consideration to Yeza?)

Here's an example, Scene starts at C2 E71 (1:43:43): She unloads the crossbow of arrows, puts the "safety" on (lol) and stresses the importance of a balanced education, so that's great! Well done parenting right there! But she does immediately follow it up by getting the crossbow back from Luc by trading him a Grappling Hook for it lmfao. Not super safe for a 5ish year old to be playing with, those things are sharp! If she gave him extra candy or toys that would be one thing, even the dog is pretty forgivable and within acceptable levels of spontaneous indulgence given everything they've been through. I feel like THIS level of indulgence crosses some pretty firm parenting lines of Hey, maybe don't hand a 5ish year old something they could accidentally kill/maim themselves with! Maybe that's just me though?

Scene starts at C2 E71 (1:43:43) but she trades him a grappling hook at (1:48:23) hahaha.

If you watch all those family scenes again, try your hardest to ignore how funny everyone is being, which is a difficult task I'll grant you, and actually look at what is factually happening with the characters, and you'll see what I'm talking about. Or maybe you won't, like I said, it's fine to have different interpretations of things. I'm not saying she's a bad person, I'm saying she's a complicated person and she's not super great at parenting, but she does try.

Or here's a big example, how about that time Luc straight up died because Veth and Jester couldn't shut the fuck up for 10 minutes to let Caleb cast the dome to make their families safer in a completely unknown location while they were on the run from a terrifying evil wizard? You'd think responsible parenting (or responsible daughtering, looking at you Jester, your mom is right there!) would prioritize the safety of the child, rather than wandering around chatting about future plans for a detective agency in a potentially dangerous situation.

Veth IS a rogue, they could have snuck around the whole time, but they were having fun and got careless, and the cost was steep. She lucked out big time that Caduceus is THE Cleric of all time and saved a spell slot. (The blame is shared 50/50 with Jester on this one, it's just a vibrant example of the shit I'm talking about. She's reckless, makes bad decisions, and endangers people accidentally).

Again, the meta reason for this is because Sam and Laura can't stop cracking jokes, and THEY were having fun, and weren't paying attention to the volume of the conversation because the CR cast forget to do that all the time anyway. Too bad for Veth and Jester that it reflects INCREDIBLY badly on their characters this particular time. And Veth has a history of carelessness so you can't even say it's out of character, or just a one-off incident. Considering she accidentally killed both Caduceus and herself by being careless, it's a fairly consistent character flaw at this point.

(At least she pays child support though lol you are correct. Where's Relvin's child support Liliana?! Granted the child support payments from nowhere did freak Yeza out a bit so they might also double as accidental psychological warfare, but oh well, she DID try, I give her all the credit for that!)

As for the "hag thing" it's not about "thought crimes" or whatever, it's about her having the support system around her to have the strength necessary TO resist stuff like that and like Halas, etc. It's like how without the Mighty Nein Caleb would almost certainly have ended up back in Trent's web as a Volstrucker (Liam and Matt said it themselves, and that was Matt's plan if Caleb left the group) or Fjord would have ended up releasing Uk'otoa (Uk'otoa). Thinking about doing a thing, and doing the thing are not the same. I merely acknowledge the potential inside her for doing the things, and I think it's more than "just a thought" or a "moment of weakness." In the right circumstances, I think she'd do it. But she has support and love and hope and a wizard treatment plan, so she won't.

If the Good Moms of Critical Role ever learn about the shit Liliana's pulled it's on sight 😤

[earlycuntsets]

those on tumblr that fwm in anyway!

I have not checked my notifications in a week. so sorry to anyone I haven't gotten back to.

i'm leaving. happy 1000 followers to me!!! lol but I might come back in some capacity but not rn. just until personal stuff has been handled. maybe once a week. i've got a lot of post ideas so i'll come on here if I find anything really good. but I have a bad history with social media consuming my brain.

this tumblr has been fully added to earlycuntsets.org and posts will continue from there, but I am not gonna be on here very much.

i've gone through some mental stuff interacting on here. I have a substance issue rn that i've been trying to get ahold on since september. my full statement is on earlycuntsets.org

I felt so broken up really. this thing mcr that we all love so intensely.

I don't want to see that get ruined for me. the negative connotations with my account because I flipped out on mcr archive people. talking about that will get me nowhere because no one understands my side. about 4 people on here understand my side.

and for the first time yesterday, I considered apologizing. just to ease my own pain around this. you want to know the truth?

I wanted to work with them obviously. I wanted to do what they do is that clear enough?

it was hard for me not to be aggressive when you be me. from the start they just wouldn't respond to me. I would find cool stuff and send it to them. I just thought they'd be more accessible to fans.

and then the only time I have heard from them was for them to judge my website when I spend every extra moment i'm not at work on this one thing. this one thing that is my only expression of love to mcr.

AND SO I gotta get out of the social aspect. it's making me overthink my every move.

I am going to be spending less time on here and more time on my website.

I have moved this whole blog to my website and just updated 840 posts to have links/tags/titles that function. I need to figure out a few things but I won't rest until it's easy to navigate. and perfect. lol there are dead pics and video on the blog section. there are pages of posts that don't have preview images. the site overall is undercuntstruction.

I was actually looking at hulus set up with the "carousel" things for each category. I am having fun and i'll probably make an mcr netflix idk. big grandiose bipolar dreams. that I hope to see through.

my website will be like this (2002 is the only one done rn) so the layout now is:

the google drive part

the 2002 blog part (everything from here)

the sources and links

[bogkeep]

okay i Finally. finished wind and truth

first i wanna preface that maybe i should've waited to read/listen to this book until i was in the right mood for it, and until i had some better Quality Audiobook Focus Time (which is usually when i work with clocks at school) instead of scattering it piecemeal throughout my winter break. at least the second half i've been listening to while assembling watches at my practice placement, which has worked very well.

as for the Mood, i just haven't been vibing that much with brandon sanderson's work lately, not because it's Bad or anything, it just hasn't been scratching the right itch. i still feel dismayed with all the worldhopper business and the MCU feel that they invoke in me. i also feel like the last two books have had more of a pathologizing bent to them, bringing contemporary psychology into a high fantasy world in a way that feels Weird. i loved the first three stormlight books so so much and they didn't feel Like That, i think. granted, i also read them for the first time before a kind of. uh. a period in my life that for better or for worse changed who i am as a person, and my tastes in stories might just have Changed.

i think the two first books especially have a much more limited scope, and stayed very close to their worldbuilding, which was a huge draw for me in the first place. but with the introduction of more and more Cosmere Lore and Off-World Characters it has gotten harder for me to keep up and keep invested in the larger plot, like... first we establish a lot of rules and now we insert elements that don't follow the established rules so keep up!! same goes with the modern psychology aspects - inserting concepts from our contemporary culture, particularly concepts that our perception of which changes frequently as we learn more about them, into a world as alien as roshar, just. feels intrusive! obviously i think roshar should have therapists, but it seems incredibly odd to me that nobody on this planet has "invented" therapy in any form for thousands of years. idk. i don't know how to feel about kaladin's therapist arc! thematically, as a synthesis between his medical identity and his military identity, i'd buy it. he's always been inspiring and has experience overcoming bad brain times. but in practice... idk!!! idk. i think angling it explicitly as therapy made it weird to me.

it was similar with shallan's plurality - book three had her accepting her plurality, and book four had this incredible intro with her being open about it, changing her hair color to indicate who was fronting, veil making friends with kaladin and adolin as her own person, i Loved That So Much. but then the book got like, Really medical and clinical about it, like you can tell the author talked to some people for increased accuracy, but it... mh. reducing shallan's alters from their own people to "no we are Purely a coping mechanism who only exist as training wheels to you" made me so sad. like, Thematically i understand why shallan's story is taking the integration route, but it made me so sad to fridge veil over it! like, several characters in these books get arcs centering about accepting their personhood and their right to exist in peace and make their own choices, but veil and radiant Don't Get That because the story hammers in that they're Just coping mechanisms. i would personally much have preferred that for shallan's character development, they relinquish their burdens to her (her Memories and her Violence) and then they could stay and exist and find identities beyond those burdens. maybe that's a radical take but it is my take

ANYWAY sorry that's a lot of lukewarm dismay. here's things i enjoyed:

- ace jasnah !!!! jasnah is ace.

- i really liked kaladin's, dalinar's, szeth's and adolin's arcs !

- genuinely dalinar is an incredibly written character and his arc over all five books is really really good and i think about dalinar moments often. i love that he has changed so much and still finds new ways to change. i can't believe it took like five books for me to go "wait is the way of kings just The Bible. is this an allegory for the bible" and even then i still think it works so so well. like i think his story would rule even if it was just straight up the bible and nohadon is jesus

- kaladin and syl dancing together <33333333

- very happy for renarin and rlain congrats to them

- the more i think about adolin's arc the more i love it. i love that he lost a leg Possibly Permanently. i love that he had a Privilege Revelation in the middle of a life or death fight. i love that he forms bonds with spren without oaths that rules so much

- gavinor as odium's champion was an inspired choice!!!!! i'm sad that he got sidelined so early when things could get soooo juicy

- i am So pleased szeth fired his spren. i am also very pleased that his spren got character development

- oh god when i realised szeth's mental illness arc was moral ocd. yowch (complimentary)

- szeth's story in general... man !!!!!!!

anyway that's what ive got for now. my freshest impressions straight from the oven

[ananxiousgenz]

.

[whatremained]

aghhh. i was gonna respond earlier but i got tired. i’m still tired now but!!

you’re exactly right with the point that with the way connor’s autistic traits are written throughout the musical and book, they often get over looked. especially because it’s not the really common stereotype. not for men, nor for women. and a lot of connor’s traits are negative. top of my head, as im thinking of the scene i described previously… that IS a melt down. or! how connor is shown to be very impulsive. impulsivity is not commonly known as a symptom, and yet it still is.

both allistic and a handful of autistic people tend to ignore ugly and borderline harmful traits because it doesn’t make us look good… but the fact of the matter is that…? it’s a DISORDER (autism spectrum DISORDER). it’s not supposed to be all ‘i act a little shy and fixate on things’; we have a disorder, it’s not fun and games. and it sucks to see this ignored in characters who are very much autistic but don’t have the “nice looking” traits.

there is so… SO much i could write on about connor and the fact the fandom doesn’t seem to even take a glance at the fact that he could be autistic. because they believe autistic people are shy, nervous, and fixated on things. and while they can be that, autistic people can also be incredibly emotional, prone to anger for that reason, impulsive, etc.

i’m sick of the stereotype that… we as autistic people, are… shy and pure for some reason? and that we can’t be anything besides that??

and that’s a reason so many characters get shoved to the side because of the want for people to see autism not as what it is.

autism isn’t good. autism isn’t bad either. it’s just there, it’s a disorder.

i’m probably making the same points over but… who cares.

i feel like people find it harder to like. i don’t want to use the word infantilize, but that’s literally the correct word so… infantilize connor because he is shown as very pugnacious and somewhat truculent, and with that comes people viewing him as aggressive and assertive which aren’t traits many people take pity on.

this is also why i argue peopld attach onto the fake connor fandom wise, and in the show, because he’s shown to be willing, cooperative, and amiable… which is not who he was at the slightest.

people are able to infantilize connor, just not the actual character which… i am glad for but also? not because they miss the whole point of the show but that’s besides it.

and people baby evan like crazy and it pisses me off too. people act like evan… either did nothing wrong? or like…? idk it pisses me off when people try and characterize him as just a shy guy who’s would never do anything wrong in his life. random kind of too, but the characterization of evan being really short pisses me off because it adds to the infantilization. it’s?? like evan is canonically taller than connor (by book standard). why are we acting like he’s 4 foot tall? so we can infantilize him more? no thank you!

good lord. sorry about the rant!

it’s just that i’m talk about it because connor has always been a character that has stuck with me because i feel myself so represented by him. maybe it’s because of the autism, or maybe it’s because of the situation i’ve been in for awhile, but it might be the pattern of thinking he has which parallels mine (neurodivergent thinking huh). the way the book is written is immaculate in the way it writes from connor’s perspective, and it really highlights some (or at least mine lol) neurodivergent brains and how they process and view things.

aghhh again sorry. i like chatting about stuff i like

[obsob]

happy and proud!!

✷(print shop)✷

[triglycercule]

dust and horror angel and demon themes,,,, they could totally parallel each other...... :3

dust=angel of death described in the delta rune prophecy (self declared) (i DEFINITELY elaborated on this one waayyyy before but anyways dust with a fucked up savior complex SAVE ME SAVE ME.... death is a blessing ass guy. life is torment and he will be the one to liberate monsters from their bodies and with the strength they provide to him be able to take down evil evil creation of pure misery that is the human ✨✨✨ dont worry his evil cackles are to HIDE HIS PAIN of saving everyone....... trust)

horror=demon that dragged everyone in horrortale into hell (as perceived by everyone else) (i think it would be a cool hc if everyone outside of snowdin viewed horror as literally a demon. maybe undyne preaches that. anyone outside of snowdin might be WAYYY worse because they starve for longer and literally take part in cannibalism so they might not have the same sort of mild sanity that snowdin residents do,,,, besides he DID kinda bring them all eternal suffering. kinda. nobody but undyne knows what happened at the core so she could totally just paint the story to blame horror fully)

ANYWAYS i like the possible dynamics this could have :333

dust to horror (please let me kill you PLEASE let me kill you i can end it all so peacefully wouldn't it be nice??? i promise ill make it quick just for you),,, horror to dust (i want you to live and suffer with what youve done i want you to watch all of your choices hit you one day and i'll be there and laugh at you. i'll keep you alive just to keep you suffering ok?)

OR dust to horror (you dont deserve to die you dont deserve to even be hurt by me. not because youre the exception but youre the Exception i absolutely loathe you so youll never get the sweet release of death :3) and horror to dust (just let me die already i dont wanna be here. youre supposed to be a savior right??? an angel?? then why don't you save me already when i need it more than anyone else)

[princessnijireiki]

weirdest casualty of long Covid (besides. yk. the Incurable Disability) is in terms of linguistic processing I can truly no longer talk or sing as fast as I used to

not that I was super fast before, but one of the days I was sickest, words actually stopped... meaning anything? like I was at work, I was hitting my DT script, but was pushing through on pure muscle memory phonetically. I could process what I was hearing or reading just fine, but could not talk outside of this heavily repetitive workplace script, which is actually very dystopian now that I think about it. virus hitting the brain means I'm a zombie that can't speak except to say, "HIII :) whatcanIgetstartedferyouthismorning?"

anyway, thought it was just fatigue, but went to my car on my break, watched a trending video of people trying to rap along to Fergalicious at double speed. I could LIP SYNC to it just fine. I tested my theory. but I could NOT get my mouth and voice to work at the same time to actually sing/rap it. even now, tbh, I have to make myself NOT think about it while rapping it to get the words to flow out or I get stuck. like it's truly something in the brain for where you process speech, but not where you process just lyrical phonics like music. I have to consciously make a REAL effort to turn off the "word" part of my brain to be fast again.

I speak perfectly legibly, I can genuinely get up to decently fast normal talking speeds, just not Northeastern fast-fast. but it comes up in music a surprising amount, and it's kind of annoying to have lost as a skill.

[byanyan]

okay!!! got a couple short replies to tiny starters crammed into my (still paused) queue... it's not much, but it's something. tomorrow i'll try to get a bit more done, maybe restart the queue, etc. etc., but. yeah. baby steps.

[delightedchips]

about the timebomb healing period ..

particularly interested in the idea of ekko also struggling to adjust having returned back to the current universe so suddenly and being whiplashed by a lot of things like the scar & sevika team up 😭 (i assume anw by how casual the two pop in tgt during the recruit meeting) it does offer a neat foundation of a shared sorrow of some kind between timebomb .. jinx watching him pour so much of himself taking care of her and also catching glimpses of him when he's away struggling to digest all the happenings of the firelights during his absence, grieving heimerdinger, rebuilding a semblance of a relationship with sevika, seeing the current dissipation of the tree, getting bombarded by news of an upcoming war and still having a big chunk of his heart to help jinx, making sure she's eating, her bed is warm, water is always ready .. a boy of many burdens ..

maybeee. the sadness cycles back to jinx because the sight of it all tugs her heart to guilt (maybe even anger) and she has this sudden urgency to save him from what hes committing to by taking her in . a part of her actually wants this second chance but she still doubts ekko understands who she really has become and desperately wants assurance that he does . But instead of asking for it she opts to try and convince him to give her up again via rashing out in cold-hearted anger . with the outcomes of either ekko actually giving up (which, in turn, to jinx, 'saves' him. which is viewed good! ekko doesn't deserve another burden. ekko deserves the 'truth'. at least to jinx) or, ekko not giving up (which, in turn, to jinx, assures her. affirms she is still worthy of love at all even at this point. maybe it's not too late. but jinx won't admit how appealing it all actually sounds or how she would much prefer that outcome).. I don't think ekko would react w comfort .. i want to think he'd break too . All the rage cracking thru .. but in the end he still chooses to pursue this path .. something something

A shared sorrow . Kinda. A cycle of sadness . Kiiinda. Just two broken people trying to figure it out .. carrying a semblance of a want to save the other but each of their efforts costing a part of themselves

[robotsafari]

i havent even watched legacy yet but that fucking kh world did some.. unexpected things to me (update: i watched it. the movie was okay. <- short for im deranged about it but it missed so much opportunities and omfg i cant list all of my thoughts here.)

[eggsistential-basket]

thinking about the person i could have been if i tried a little harder to find my own way

[heybaetae]

hi

[ganondoodle]

sorry about that last rambling post, i didnt mean to sound like its worse than it may be, but i got no ... lense to view it through but my own, and the main reason i wrote it out anyway was bc i needed to get it out (even if posting it might be not the greatest idea) .. and bc it kinda showcases, i think, how my stories kinda write themselves, involuntarily in a way? its not like im not putting in any effort- but its like .. i cant STOP it always keeps going and even the dumbest idea stays in some form, its very hard to get everything in place bc theres so much going on all the while i am very slow at making anything, writing or drawing anything, especially anythign coherent is very hard bc not only do i get constantly distracted, i get distracted by my own thoughts suddendly skipping to a certain scene and me having to go throguh imagining in detail NO MATTER how many times i have done it before for the same scene that i already decided on how it goes, when theres a new idea it can take over my entire day bc i cant let go of it-

not trying to sound either like im the only that has that sort of problem, but i think its a big part as of why i start tso many projects without being able to finish them, or even start them bc i constantly have to fight my own thoughts from derailing into another daydream session, thinking of too much too fast than i can ever draw or even write about and not knowing what is worthwhile and what isnt (im telling you i have no idea what is good and what isnt, idk why but for all i know all things i do could be trash, or they all could be bad, maybe the one i thinnk is decent is actually worse than the things i deem not good enough and once i start to think no this isnt good enough i stop having fun making or thinking it bc im trying to do better

honestly its kind of impressive that i can get anything out at all, not to pat myself on the back there but even if i hate how long it takes me, considering how much im having to work just to start working on something at all, the fact that i could post stuff coherent enough for some people to understand AND LIKE is something i should be a little more proud of

[that-was-anticlimactic]

one of the worst feelings ever is wanting to write but your hands hurt too much or the words just don’t want to work so you just sit there staring at a half finished doc with tears in your eyes bc you want to write and you need to write but everything is telling you that you can’t