#and making the experiences feel genuine and relatable
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Pure Vanilla Sfw & Nsfw Headcanons
šThese are shorter than SMC's, purely (hah) since there's less to say about nsfw headcanons. He's a really simple guy, alright? Anyway, I hope you enjoy these. I'll be working on the poly hc's soon and also some requests -- cookie run related and not. Love you all MWAH!
MDNI (Seriously I'll find you)
Tw: None?; Grammar errors
Info: Pure Vanilla Cookie x Reader; Fluff; Angst (only a little); nsfw
-Pure Vanilla Cookie is a gentle soul. His hands are soft and kind to any and all he meets, and he does the most he can to keep the peace amongst those he holds dear. His calm demeanor makes him seem like the perfect candidate for a partner, but Iām gonna be 100% this guy has issues.Ā
-He has very real trauma from the Dark Flower War that keeps him up at night, despite how much he tries to hide it. Betrayal from one of his dearest friends also haunts him, despite things beingā¦ different nowā¦ it sticks with him as it would any normal cookie. Heās insecure to a level that a god-king should not be capable of, but he certainly feels that insecurity deeply. Oh, and he never got over White Lily Cookie.
-Itās also very likely that he wouldnāt deem himself āworthyā of being loved in such a manner, especially after the situation with White Lily. He canāt save his friends, he canāt save his subjects, what would he do if he couldnāt save a lover? It would be better not to have his heart broken like that.
-Not to mention his experience with relationships isā¦ sparse. Other than White Lily Cookie, he hasnāt really had much romantic experience ā nor did he want to. His focus is often set elsewhere, and his humility can frequently get in the way of forming genuine connections with others.
-Heās so incredibly old now, he feels like his time has passed. Besides, any cookie who might proposition him is far younger, and while he respects them he wouldnāt want to get in the way of their opportunity to connect with someone who could be a better match.
-Not to mention he gets propositioned a lot. Many cookies like the idea of him, but few can actually handle how patient and gentle he really is. It doesnāt upset him, nor does he hold it against them, itās just how the world seems to work out.
-Excuses, excuses, excuses with him. Theyāre never-ending.
-Then, of course, there was you. The sweet cookie you were, you had the patience of a saint. Any excuse he came up with, you seemed to find a way to prove him wrong. (You make him second guess if he really is patient, with how much you wait on him and work to prove him wrong).
-He isnāt testing you by any means when he pushes you away. Pure Vanilla Cookie really does believe you could do better than him. (Him! How could you do better than him!?) Heās trying to save you from himself, but the more steadfast you are the more he starts to fold and bend to what you like.
-Itās not like he doesnāt enjoy having you around, he quite prefers it when youāre by his side. Youāre also so very pretty, he gazes at you when you arenāt looking more than heād like to admit (his staff gives him quite the stink eye for this one). Your patience with him is admirable, and you make such an effort to get close to him. Youāve more than proven that you are serious about your confessions to him.
-After (literally) a thousand years, he decides just to try again. Leading you on was cruel, especially when he reciprocated your feelings, so he makes the effort of a confession ā and great cookies above it was sweet.
-He brings you to his pagoda, a place you frequently spend sitting quietly next to him. He knows youāre fond of it, especially of the white lilies that bloom around it. You sit next to him as usual, staring off into the distance in thought while he watches you through his lashes. Your beauty is something he loves to behold, and he wonders if the kingdom would be alright if he did so for the next thousand years. Just like this, quiet and alone in the place youāve both made your own.
-You laugh when you catch him staring, and his dough burns hot ā both from the melodious sound and from being caught so shameless. He doesnāt let it linger too long, taking your hand in his with care he hadnāt shown you much yet. Itās a bit odd for him to suddenly be physical with you, but when he looks at you, and I mean looks at you, you understand what's happening.
-He tells you how heās grown into his fondness for you, that he appreciates your patience with him and giving him a chance to think things over in himself before pushing him into a choice. He expresses what he loves about being around you and how he feels like himself when he is near your side. How he aches when you arenāt around, and that he worries for you all the time even though youāre more than safe in the walls of the kingdom.
-He goes on for so long that you have to cut him off and tell him you get the point, which just makes him laugh because that is something he likes about you. You never let him get too far ahead of himself or too deep in his head before you pull him back up for air.
-And, while you mightāve fallen first for his gentleness and his kindness, he falls leagues harder than you ever could. After his confession, he goes out of his way to have you around, and itās not until nearly all of your things are within his room that he realizes maybe he got a little too deep a little too fast.
-Then you smile that smile and all his thoughts are washed away in favor of following after you on whatever adventure you had planned in the kingdom for the day.
-As a partner, believe it or not, Pure Vanilla Cookie is not physically affectionate so much as he is verbally affectionate. He prefers showing his love through words and acts of service. He will run himself ragged to make sure you wonāt worry about anything. Youāll have to step in and stop him at times because he will go to the ends of earthbread for you.
-Heās so giving, always thinking of things he can do for you or gifts to get that would make you smile so widely at him. Itās something the other Ancients tease him relentlessly for, especially Golden Cheese and Hollyberry.Ā
-Though, they are all fond of you in their own way. Itās been a long time since Pure Vanilla has been soā¦ contented with things. He finds pure joy in doting on you, and he feels secure having someone who loves him as he is. None of them can disapprove of you when you make him so happy.
-They tell you embarrassing stories of him when he was younger, not a hero or a god, but a regular cookie who tripped over his own two feet and made a fool of himself. They tell you plenty of embarrassing stories about him having earned his power too and believe that to be true, but the ones they seem most fond of are those before they rose to their current titles.
-Pure Vanilla always huffs and pouts, but doesnāt interject much more than that when he sees the wide grin on your face. Seeing you get along with his long-time friends is very important to him, so heās glad theyāve taken a liking to you.Ā
-Even Dark Cacao Cookie seems to like you, humoring your little jokes and jabs as you give them. He feels as though heās chosen the right cookie to love ā though, he supposes you chose him and he just followed your lead like he always does.
-There is one tiny dilemma, thoughā¦ White Lily Cookie. See, itās not as though she is a threat to your relationship at all. She would never and could never interfere, even if she still held feelings for Pure Vanilla (if she ever did in the first place). Pure Vanilla is just a trainwreck of grief and regret surrounding her, his dearest friend.
-His love for you has never wavered, not once since he fell for you, but for a moment when he sees her, heās terrified that it might. All of those feelings hit him at once, and he is again that reckless young cookie at the academy following her around like a lost puppy. She looks at him and his heart races, then it sinks to the pits of his stomach.
-How could he be so selfish to consider hurting you in such a way, for even a moment? He and White Lily Cookie were no longer the same as they were before their falling out, he knew that, and yet his past crept up on him like a monster in the shadows. It makes his stomach churn.
-But you lay a hand on his arm, and you give him this look like you know exactly whatās going on, and suddenly itās all alright. Youāre right here, and youāre all he needs. He knows that more than anyone else.
-That doesnāt mean it doesnāt sting in your chest when you see the way he looks at her, but you know your Pure Vanilla. He would never do anything to hurt you, he was the kindest and most loving cookie you have ever had the privilege to share your life with.
-Now, with that established, we can divulge into him as your partner.
-As I mentioned heās very giving, but heās terrible and receiving gifts from you. Heās not used to it, and he may outright refuse to accept it, but if you push him heāll give. He always loves what you give him anyway, even if itās the smallest insignificant thing. It always gets displayed somewhere he can see it, or he makes a way to use it in his daily life.
-It takes him a while to be open with you. He feels his feelings and thoughts are a burden on you, so his worries usually go unspoken unless you notice them yourself.Ā
-If you notice something and point it out, heāll tell you what's wrong. He wouldnāt want to lie to you and make you more worried about things. He downplays it a lot, though. It takes a lot of stubbornness on your part to get him to open up and admit when heās feeling really bad.
-He does let you in little by little, and you get to see more of Pure Vanilla as he is beneath all the smiles and passivity.
-I also mentioned that heās verbally affectionate over physically. He gives you so much praise it makes your head spin in circles. Everything you do is worth praising in his eyes, even silly little things like finding your way through the castle or grabbing yourself something special to eat one day.
-Constantly mentions how lucky he is to have you, his admiration truly knows no end. Ah, and he speaks of you all around the kingdom. Other cookies think youāre a literal saint thanks to him, and youāre treated with so much respect by those in the cookie kingdom.
-Gingerbrave, Strawberry, and Wizard Cookie all adore you, and get so very excited when you offer to go on an adventure with them. (Much to Pure Vanillaās worry and dismay.) The way you interact with them makes Pure Vanillaās chest ache at the sight. Youāre so wonderful with children, he loves seeing the way you handle them with love and care. Makes him wonder what you might be like with children of your ownā¦ Ah, thatās not a trail of thought he should go down too far just yet. One day, though.
-As sweet and loving as he is, heās fiercely protective of you. Heās lost quite a bit in his life, and he knows he will lose more, heād like to prevent another loss if he can help it though. If you argue with him, itās almost always about this.
-He doesnāt like you going to dangerous locations, he doesnāt like it when you leave his side for more than a day or so, and he certainly doesnāt approve of you putting yourself at risk for adventure. Usually, you settle this by just having him come with you, but sometimes even that isnāt enough for him.
-Regardless, the angriest you see him (other than the Shadow Milk incident lol), is when you are at risk. Itās easy to forget heās very powerful, akin to a god, but he is. He is not afraid to use that power to protect you if he must. (Itās lowkey hot Iām ngl.)
-Now heās not the type to go overboard with this kind of stuff, heāll only do what he must to remove the threat if he has to. He is not afraid to be violent if he needs to be, though. Immediately after he will worry over you with such gentleness it will give you whiplash.
-Heās aware his outbursts of anger are uncommon and jarring from his usual demeanor, but heās just a cookie after all. He loves you very much, and if he can keep you safe he will for as long as you live.
-Jealousy is rare from him, which is to be expected, but he does get jealous. Specifically when he sees you interacting with cookies in a way he canāt interact with you. Physical affection is usually what gets him upset.
-Not that he canāt be physically affectionate, but that he has a hard time being physical with anyone. Itās a difficult thing he struggles with, and while youāre understanding and loving, he canāt stop the rare annoyance bubbling up in his chest when he sees one of your friends touching you so casually.
-Itās the only time other cookies might get to see him frown around the kingdom, a displeased expression etched across his normally gentle features. It wonāt fade until you return your attention to him and make him feel validated in his feelings.
-After these stints, it is common that he drags you (pulls you gently by your hand) back to his room and cuddles up to you in the quiet of his bedroom. Heāll whisper his worries at your insistence, and melt into your touch as you soothe him instead of scolding like most others would.
-Oh, and itās very very bad when Shadow Milk Cookie is involved. Shadow Milk knows just how to get under his skin, and you are an easily accessible soft spot.
-Not only is Shadow Milk far more open in expressing himself than Pure Vanilla is, but heās very physical with everything. While Shadow Milk may not see you as anything more than a doll to play with, it infuriates Pure Vanilla to see him touch you and flirt with you like you are his when you are Pure Vanillaās.Ā
-He brings out that possessive side of Pure Vanilla that he represses as hard as he can. He doesnāt want to share you, though. Not with anyone and especially not Shadow Milk Cookie. You are his life partner, the person he loves more than anything in the world, thatās not something heās ever had before and he doesnāt want anyone else to be able to feel what your love feels like. Allow him to be selfish just this once.
-I also have a belief that ancients have something similar to a beast bite, though itās less common that any of them āmarkā a partner. Pure Vanilla is the least likely to leave such a mark on you unless you seem insistent upon learning about it.
-Functionally itās similar to the beast bite, but there is no need for biting in their case ā they can if theyād like to, though. Instead, itās just a magical seal that can be placed upon your dough that resembles their souljam. It connects the two of you physically and emotionally.Ā
-When Pure Vanilla misses you, it sends a wave of sadness through you. A longing that is not your own, but feels so familiar to your own that you could easily mistake it as such. His emotions always come in big waves that nearly drown you then quiet down again as soon as they come.
-Pure Vanilla, again, wouldnāt place one on you unless you really wanted it. If you did, though, he would place it right where your spine meets your neck. The little blue mark peeks over the tops of your shirts like a tease, reminding everyone who you are with.
-Just because he is kind doesnāt mean he canāt also be a little possessive of you. Youāre wonderful, after all, he canāt risk any cookie thinking youāre available.
-Besides the blue looks stunning on your dough, if he says so himself. And he does.
-Now, onto the bedroom.
-To start Iāll say Pure Vanilla is deceptively innocent-looking. Itās easy to imagine he feels no urges or wants in a sexual sense, but thatās not true at all. Heās just good at repressing them. And heās repressed them for years and years and years.
-His sexual experience is probably also low, but I can imagine heās had sex previously with a cookie or two (maybe even White Lily, depending on the circumstances). The important thing is that he has experience, and heās not as awkward about it as one might think.
-Itās very similar to how he falls in love with you, once he gets a taste he really canāt stop himself from falling further and further down.
-Heās very patient though, so he wonāt initiate your first time together. Heād rather you decide that since heās more than ready to do whatever youād like. (Heād been thinking about it since three months in, but he didnāt want to move too fast so he just pretended nothing was wrong.)
-When you do decide you are ready, he is there waiting with open arms for you. He makes sure your first time together is all about what you want and focuses on making sure you feel good. Heās a people pleaser in every aspect of his life, including the bedroom.
-But, if he had to pick what he preferred, heād probably admit to being a service top. He likes to make you feel good, and he wants to know everything that makes your body react to him. He treats it like a secret ancient knowledge that only he is privy to.Ā
-He likes to know you in every aspect of your life, the bedroom is no different. He takes his time always, preferring to go slow and steady rather than fast and rough. Heās a quick learner too, picking up your likes and dislikes with an ease that would make any student jealous. Within two, maybe three sessions heās got you read like a book. Itās infuriating how easily he manages to get you to melt under his touch.
-If you want to top, heāll oblige you, though you can tell he really prefers taking care of you over being taken care of. Thereās just something so special about being allowed to have you like this. So soft and pliant beneath him. All the trust in the world rests on his shoulders, and he holds it like it is the most important thing in the world.
-And he is so, so giving during sex.
-He takes his time with you, starting with slow and deep kisses that trail down your neck. He worships you like a god, smothering your dough with his affections. Not an inch of you will be left untouched from his lips, burning your skin into his memories so he never forgets how it feels beneath his tongue.
-And he whispers such loving words of admiration, talking about how wonderful you are for him. Mumbling against you that you taste so sweet and that each noise you make sounds like a symphony to his ears. He encourages you to let go, allow him to love you as you are, and let him see all the most vulnerable sides of you because that is all he wants.
-When he tastes your juices he sighs like he is in heaven. His pleasure is only found in you, after all. Your taste is something he could easily fall into addiction for, just like every other part of you.
-You can be rough with him while he goes down on you if youād like, he doesnāt mind at all. Grab and pull at his hair, grind yourself into his face, and squeeze him between your legs with all your might. Theyāre just signs heās doing his job right, after all.
-Oh, heās a huge proponent of eye contact. While he canāt quite see well all the time, he always has his eyes open and on you when he can help it. This is especially prevalent when he is inside you (or when you are inside him).
-He presses his forehead to yours and watches your face contort in pleasure, allowing you to do the same. It makes the act more intimate, and he feels so much more connected to you like this. Like he can really see you for who you are in these moments, and feel that love that burns for him in your gaze.
-Alongside this, he always holds your hand. Regardless of if heās going down on you or if youāre riding him or anything he is adamant your hands remain interlocked. Itās another layer of connection that he uses as a means of expressing his love for you.
-If you canāt tell, heās seriously into body worship. He loves every inch of you, and sex is the easiest way that he can express this to you.
-He uses sex as an extension of his affection for you, rather than something for fun or to stake claim. Itās another form of love to him, and you can feel this through the way he treats you with such gentleness during the whole act.
-I donāt believe heās into much other than what Iāve listed above. Heās very vanilla (lol) and traditional about sex, preferring things to be simple, sweet, and loving.Ā
-He prefers to keep things in the bedroom, the idea of being caught makes him run hot, but you can convince him to try a few riskier places. Like the pagoda or in quiet rooms near other cookies, so long as the doors are locked and thereās no risk of interruption.
-He does not like being cared for during the deed, it makes him feel guilty that youāre caring for him when he would rather care for you. If you are insistent heāll give in, but he makes it known he would prefer to be providing than being provided for.
#bunni's treats š§#x reader#cookie run kingdom#crk#cookie run kingdom x reader#crk x reader#crk x you#pure vanilla cookie#pure vanilla crk#pure vanilla x reader#pure vanilla x you#pure vanilla cookie x reader#pure vanilla cookie x you
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how do you make such lovely dunmeshi art it hits always in the feels and feels so grounded and euaegujggh it makes me ill/pos ~~(alos no pressure ma'am but r u making more?)~~
awww thank you!! I donāt know if youāre genuinely asking, but I try to stay as true to the source material as possible and (as I do with writing anything) try to pull from a real place. Whether thatās relating it to my own experiences, or thinking about how I would act in that scenario, I try to inject something earnest into everything I do.
And of course Iāll keep making dungeon meshi art. I still have a list of ideas I need to get around to. Iām sure once season 2 starts airing Iāll be thinking about it more
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Are Zoro and Sanji virgins? I mean Zoro doesn't seem to be interested in love and sex at all. Sanji on the other hand is flirting alot but would maybe have died from nosebleeding (during sex). š
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omg yes those boys are 100% virginsā¢
So I hc that Zoro is actually demisexual so he'd have to get to know someone for them to even be on the roster when it comes to him being attracted to them I think he's also really okay with the fact that no one has really "done it for him" tho Like I don't think that was ever a priority or anything he really thought about But the first time he does feel any attraction towards someone he has a very "Woah wtf???? Wtf is that??? Is that allowed??" reaction and he has to kinda come to terms with it but also, Zoro is very much the "While you all were having sex, I studied the blade" guy and I love him for that With Sanji I think he loves the idea of romance and flirting but has ZERO relationship experience I also think that Sanji romanticizes specifically the idea of being with a woman and while he often thinks about it he's actually never felt real romantic feelings for one (tho he really wants to) He's mostly felt never felt much more than plutonic love, like he has for Robin and Nami, or just felt horny tbh I genuinely believe that Sanji is more in love with the idea of being in love I also hc Sanji as bisexual and truly believe that he's much more comfortable with his attraction to women and struggles a lot with internalized homophobia when it comes to his attraction to men
Now, I love them both for being virginsā¢ and I think it makes a lot of sense, especially considering their ages and their lives up until we meet them in the series both of them are 19 when we meet them and they both did not lead lives that were particularly conducive having a lot of relationship or sexual experiences Zoro was literally busy "studying the blade" and being a bounty hunter (aka getting lost at sea lol) And Sanji was working and living at his surrogate dad's restaurant Both of them were also fighting their own demons lol neither of these situations seem like the time or place for a teen to be exploring their sexuality to me (not that I think Zoro had any interest in that at all to begin with)
I'm also a Zosan shipper so I have opinions about them that are related to each other Like the fact that I think Sanji is the first person Zoro literally ever feels attraction for and he immediately is like "Oh...he's gotta go..." And I think in turn, when Sanji starts to feel attraction for Zoro it makes Sanji have to face a part of himself that actually makes him really uncomfortable
But both of them together....absolute mess~ they have no clue what they're doing I do think Zoro is more confident tho and quicker to accept how he feels and just embrace it, while Sanji is more timid and scared by it all
#hi~#back at it again with my dumb little takes#pls anyone and everyone send me asks like this#it's so much fun lol#I just wanna yap#also might fuck around and do some of those 'my ship in five minute' things for my ships~#you've inspired me anon lol#anyways...#Sophia talks too much#Roronoa Zoro#Pirate Hunter Zoro#Black Leg Sanji#Vinsmoke Sanji#< š¤¢ never gonna not hate legal naming him for tagging reasons#Zosan#Sanji#Zoro#Sophia answers#hc
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Question time!
When you're reading a historical book set in a time before they had the language to describe nonbinary identities what do you prefer?
NOTES:
This is a book set in the 1300s
The first written use of the singular "they" is from 1375 in a poem about a werewolf, but I can't find evidence that it was used consistently to refer to someone whose gender was "known" (by medieval standards)*
In a modern AU, this character would probably be an "any pronouns" sort of person
When I say "fuck accuracy", I don't mean the characters use anachronistic therapy speak to talk about their experiences. This is mostly just about pronoun usage.
The wider narrative does have a historical attitude towards sex and gender, if buffed down a little to make it actually palatable
*if you have evidence, please send it to me! I've been reading a lot of medieval romances/poems with characters who transcend or blur gender lines, and they pretty consistently maintain binary pronouns throughout (I.e. using both "she" and "he" for the same character at different moments)
#personally im inclined towards keeping it accurate (enough)#and making the experiences feel genuine and relatable#a rose by any other name would smell as sweet#you know?#like its not about the pronouns its about the experience of genderfuck
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i may not be into fauxcest but i am absolutely a friend of the family
#does this make sense????#like i genuinely cannot be involved in those dynamics myself as much as i actually would love it#(and i would have loads of fun!! but my nervous system hates it so i Do Not want to be in a dynamic like that)#but i am that family friend whos maybe an aunt or uncle or something of the sort even tho they're literally not related#nd everyone affirms regularly they Are Not blood related but still loved as family a#but they're invited to the family gatherings and know yalls birthdays and your mom/sister/whoever tells them your dirty secrets sometimes#and they love you so much. indecipherable from your family. but if anyone ever asked you'd go āwell thats not REALLY my aunt but you know.#family friends.ā and yeah#anyway im not making this rbable bc i dont feel like having ppl get weird ab this but also like#this has been rotating in my head for DAYS#(also pls dont suggest i try these kinds of dynamics again ik from experience its not for me!! but this is where i can engage also and i#think its a really fun concept)
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Trans!Hiccup later in life becoming more confident in himself and coming to terms with the fact knowing how to and doing things traditionally viewed as 'feminine' doesn't make him any less of a man my beloved.
He canonically knows how to sew. Like his attempted cover was he was 'making outfits' so why not? He definitely made his own armor, he probably makes his own clothes when he has the time. He said he wanted to he a 'bread making viking' (and yes i know it was a hasty lie but hear me out) so I'd like to think he knows at least how to bake and probably how to cook as well. And he enjoys these things and indulged in them when he's able to.
#i love when trans people are able to accept that their hobbies being viewed as something related to their agab doesnt make them#any less valid i understand its not for everyone but if youre able to reconcile with that kind of thing you will genuinely be better for it#this goes for snotlout as well (he is also trans!)l#in rtte he knows how to sew#also i hc that astrid is trans and has a very complicated relationship with gender due to how committed she is to being a warrior#shes a girl but never really learned to do any kind of 'traditionally feminine' things other than hair braiding#and though she'd never want to be a housewife she feels as though she missed out on some kind of core childhood experience#shes a lost cause at cooking but hiccup offered to teach her to sew and its something they work on together in their free time :)#httyd#trans hiccup#rtte#trans hiccup haddock#httyd headcanon#hiccup haddock#trans headcanon#hiccup horrendous haddock iii#transgender#moth.txt#deyas dragons
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can i say it now?
sage of time/time powers didn't make sense for totk zelda. at ALL.
when in botw, before the calamity, in aoc, did she EVER show an affinity for time powers? i get that it was like this sort of. hidden power kind of thing, but it still doesn't make much sense. not for zelda.
#not to mention. light dragon still.#like..... it doesn't make sense in my head.#i would have understood it if it were link who was sage of time. because he canonically has magic related to time#(e.g. flurry rush. bullet time. plus connections to the hero of time)#they could have made a banger design with time themes for dragon zelda. im just saying#and i get kind of trying to connect her with sonia a bit but idk.#i TRIED to bring this up back when totk first released but people didnt like that very much#i think both zelda and link are connected to time and light but they each have more of a connection to one over the other#like. okay. dragon of time zelda. yes?#phases in and out of existance at will. sometimes she's seen at the two different places at the same time. maybe more.#her appearance is pretty unpredictable. the average hylian who has no clue what the dragon spirits are talk about things going missing#weird things happening whenever the dragon of time flies overhead#legend of zelda#tears of the kingdom#totk spoilers#idk if people still care but it was more expensive than usual so#negativity#i feel bad for making this post after bitching about people being too harsh about totk#and people were. i was hyperfixating and legit could not talk about it because people were horrible about it to me#which genuinely ruined a lot of my experiences online last year#its really hard to try and reframe it as āall that matters is that you enjoy it and what other people think shouldn't affect thatā
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Sometimes I'm like "y'know, despite Haruka being my favorite Milgram character I really don't talk about him that much, maybe I should do that" And then I remember that a good part of my enjoyment of his character and my connection to him has a lot to do with my own experiences of being a neurodivergent teenager that I'm not really ready to talk about on the internet lmao
#{ āļø after knowing all I wonder. can you really forgive them? šļø}#milgram#milgram project#haruka sakurai#sakurai haruka#milgram haruka#but at the same time I'm like āmaybe I should be more open about these experiences and how they relate to my enjoyment of Harukaā#And I do genuinely want to make an analysis on the themes of his character and how they relate to some of the themes in milgram cause#I do feel like it's genuinely important and it's something I am very passionate about#But it's like#How do I do this without trauma dumping on an entire fandom yknow
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morals are so confusing sometimes. it's not like i'm trying to do anything malicious, it just doesn't occur to me that most people see these things as bad ā to me, some things are just kind of a means to an end and if nobody gets genuinely hurt idrc ??
if i let someone borrow something and they're not giving it back, i don't really see anything wrong with telling a lie about the importance of that item to guilt trip someone into giving it back (eg, so & so gave this to me before they died & it's rlly important to me so i really would appreciate it if i got this back soon ...). not because i want to go outta my way to make someone feel bad, but that's just how i view the world. they are probably maliciously keeping my stuff, so just talking to them wouldn't be enough. so why shouldn't i?
i don't see an issue in hacking into my parents email so i can get the verification code for a family streaming service, it takes me a really long time for it to click that actually People Don't Like Someone Going Thru Their Private Stuff even though i'm not trying to find anything but the verification email
type of things that i don't really realise could genuinely upset someone until i think about it a lot and ask someone for their opinion. i could realistically just ask and communicate better, but i often fall into the pit on never relying on anybody to do something when i put a task in their hands. that will only end up hurting or disappointing me.
oftentimes in trying to watch my own back and keep myself safe from nonexistent problems, i somehow create them
#i think it also doesn't help that i have low empathy so if someone told me they needed something back bcs that was a familys dying gift#i wouldn't. care. or feel bad or anything. i'd just cognitively acknowledge āthey rlly want their thing backā & give it back but not bcs i#feel anything#so i'd assume eeeeveryone else would be the same. sometimes ppl tell me they feel terrible for someone or something & i genuinely think they#are joking#so on that note i feel like nobody would actually feel remorse or guilty over me like i wouldnt with them. just note that it's smth of vague#urgency#crazy how much trauma and reinforced experiences can make you feel like an absolute alien to human experiences and cohesion#the npd Being Really Strict About My Personal Morals And Crashing If I Fail vs the āoh shit that's a BAD thing ??ā#i dont think these examples are too serious (but i also have a biss lmfao) but it's definitely a recurring theme#cluster b#npd#narcissistic personality disorder#maybe autism too ? can this also be related to autism ?#autism#does this count as a vent?#i dont feel emotionally abt this at all. it's just an observation since i do treat my personal/main tumblr blog as kinda a diary at times#just in case#vent
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Everytime I tell people who know me pretty well I LOVED Pearl from Steven Universe as a child itās so humiliating bc theyāre always like oh of COURSE you did . I bet you loved her thing with rose quartz didnāt you and I have to admit Rosepearl was an integral part me building an understanding of queerness and theyāre like that makes SO much sense. I cannot keep doing this
#fern.txt#its interesting looking back bc I feel SU being good at not making u feel ur being talked down to or talked over w how it goes#into emotions when ur watching it as a kid + the ambiguity of intimacy/love with rose and pearl just rlly clicked for me#bc i had known of gay relationships before but I have always been so obviously aromantic so if u explained them to me only in#the lens of romsntic relationships I just didnāt get it esp in how it could relate to my own identity#but idk I remember I watched roseās scabbard over some classmates shoulder and was genuinely just so fascinated#with how pearl had all these deep feelings for another woman but it wasnāt just for the show to say they were exes n pearl wanted to get#back together with her or they used to be dating etc it was just her mourning her overall love and relationship w rose#and w my aromanticism Iāve always been able to understand love I just feel I hit a wall n disconnect when itās romsntic love in the confines#of a conventional romsntic relationship%. so with this I was like wow I really resonate w this feeling of just rlly loving another woman and#I am able to kind of understand how those feelings fe n experiences exist outside of just Wanting To Date Someone#its rlly interesting bc I think it just continues to be a facet to my own queerness to this day#when it comes to relationships specifically I still lean towards n love ambiguity in fiction + my own work#bc I think that lets me resonate between when I jsut have this complete blind spot of being able to relate to anything with romsntic#relationships bc Iām on the aro spectrum OFL
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might as well throw in some pingxie thoughts while iām at it
i have. many things to say about pingxie. but on the subject of reducing relationships to one dimensional tropes specifically, it does them just as much of a disservice.
my favorite variation of pingxie is in the books (very shocking i know, although thatās technically the original them and not a variation), and by comparison to whatās shown in the dramas (which are fun and self-indulgent donāt get me wrong), the books are the slowest of slow burns. never forget we see everything in them from wu xieās pov exclusively (at least the main entries), so we can only infer xiaogeās own growth and development from what wu xie sees of it, but it very much exists.
wu xie has a complicated opinion of xiaoge in the earlier books, mostly because he doesnāt quite know what to make of this man who looks younger than he is and completely blows him off on their first meeting (blows everyone off in fact) much to his displeasure, which leads to the initially derogatory nickname āmenyoupingā, and yet is also vastly competent and knowledgeable. heās cold and indifferent, yet wu xie feels safe around him and trusts him more than he likely should from the get go, mostly because wu xieās good at reading peopleās intentions and character on an instinctive level he doesnāt always manage to rationalize early on. heās fascinated and would like to know him better, but also finds him deeply unfathomable, even incomprehensible.
and then you have xiaoge, who it merits saying, is repeatedly described as largely indifferent to most things (and he genuinely is), doing what he deems necessary but otherwise not bothering to involve himself with other people or social niceties. this is a man who spends his time off to the side sleeping or contemplating the sky, and yet in the space of four books he goes from not giving two shts about wu xie (or more than he would the average person) to voluntarily interacting with him, siding with him in quiet ways, helping him through unspoken little acts all the way up until a turning point wherein he first tries to keep his distance from wu xie en route to tamutuo in an effort to keep him from getting further involved than he already is in dangerous things he has no concept of, except by then heās shown enough uncharacteristic interest in wu xie that wu xie notices he's being cold and distant. this all culminates in the infamous moment where xiaoge eventually lets himself act on thoughts heās likely never fully analyzed himself, let alone shared with another person, leading to the āif i disappeared no one would noticeā moment.Ā
and from there all the way until post ten years later and into things like yucun biji, the reality is that pingxie were never the serious immortal and the dorky clumsy mortal boy he adopts, nor are they the vulnerable strong one and the eventual protector, or any other trope variation really. pingxie are two people who at the start stand on opposite sides of a line neither of them were ever meant to cross, and to all intents and purposes should never have met for how very different the worlds they come from are. theyāre people that circumstance threw together who chose to stay together, and keep choosing each other. they donāt need each other to exist, and could have gone their separate ways had they wanted to, but the importance of their relationship lies in that they stay together by active choice, and that in doing so, they meet in the middle.
wu xie matures and comes to understand a number of things through hardship while xiaoge is behind the gate that untether him just enough from the world that xiaoge isnāt quite so unfathomable anymore, while xiaoge comes down from his imposed pedestal just enough that he tethers himself to wu xie (and pangzi) and learns to live rather than exist
neither of them became a different person for the other, and the core of their relationship (and the beauty of it) is in the harmony and understanding they eventually achieve. reducing all of that to archetypes is honestly a little tragic
#this has nothing to do with the point i'm making here#but for the record#most of this is the basis of why i like to hc pingxie as being on the ace/demi spectrum#and as having no real prior romantic and/or sxual experience besides with each other if we're talking shipping#bc neither of them really show any kind of special interest in other people besides each other really#and the way their relationship develops is a precedent for both of them respectively#in more not directly related#there's so many sweet moments in yucun biji specifically that show the care and regard they have for each other#xiaoge telling wu xie when he leaves to roam the mountains and approximately when he'll be back so he won't worry#vs wu xie being on a private quest to find something xiaoge genuinely likes to add to their restaurant menu#and feeling some type of way about xiaoge liking the snails and sneaking candies into the car on their trip back from banai#they never use words not really#BUT THEY CARE#SO MUCH#it helps a lot that wu xie happens to be a sometimes uncannily self-aware narrator#and he'll say the most heartfelt and profound things so matter-of-factly sometimes you have sit there and take it in#i feel very normal about them#dmbj#pingxie#wu xie#zhang qiling#dmbj meta
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#iām having an incredibly hard time.#and iām trying not to burden anyone else with it because iāve already expressed so much of my grief related feelings over the last year#but this loss in particular is so incredibly profound and arguably the most painful bc it was the least complicated or nuanced#therefore i am completely and paralyzingly distraught in ways i didnāt experience with my grandma or my sister#and thatās confusing bc on one hand i wonder if it makes me a bad person and on the other hand i just donāt even care#pet grief is something entirely different#harley was and is the most important and precious thing in my life#his love was unconditional and he gave my days structure and routine#he is still so embedded in me that i have spent every day without him so far still listening for him around the house#i donāt think iāve ever cried this consistently and so easily every day in my life#i donāt even have to try to cry or force it at all and i wonder how long itāll take before the automatic nature of it stops#i go to sleep crying and the minute i get out of bed i am crying before i even leave my room bc i know he wonāt he outside of it#my heart is so broken i feel like iām going to suffocate#two nights ago i ran into my momās room sobbing before bed bc my night time routine was suddenly shortened#i canāt go to bed without putting him to bed#i didnāt know what to do i just broke down on her bed where i would tuck him in#i donāt know how iām going to move on from this i genuinely am at my lowest point#i am Not okay. i havenāt been okay in a really long time but this has knocked me down so hard#i donāt see myself ever getting up atp
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My ass was trying so hard not to jump up and down with glee playing yttd with my sister and getting to the shin reveal I was like MY GUY MY FUNNY LAD MY SILLY RABBIT
#the klock keeps ticking#yttd#its like i cant get ahead of myself when talking about him cuz theres still a lot not revealed by the end of ch2 but STILLLL#i was keeping my opinions on characters pretty neutral this whole playthrough though my bias towards gin and kai was very apparent lol#and i did start screaming in agony reliving my worst nightmare joe dying#i dont think my sister was nearly as torn up about it as i was though like god ill still never get over it#the first time i played i actually gross sobbed like maybe i was just sleep deprived but i was inconsolable literally never cried that hard#but yeah we did the second main game today and i was like#ānot trying to persuade your vote but heres one million reasons why we should let shin live ahahaā#i dont think she was very happy with her vote aldnks#but yeah i really am gonna be sooo annoying next time we play im literally gonna bring pages of shin analysis with me that i can gush about#it is an interesting thing this character cuz to me like everything about him is so clear like even from the beginning i just didnt buy#the idea that he was genuinely an asshole i knew there had to have been something more going on#and idk if ive made it clear guysā¦but hes exactly like me guys hes just like me fr#his story hits so hard it feels like my own self insert which is weird cuz obviously thats not true#but like i feel like its either you get it or you dont and if you dont understand exactly what this character feels cuz you feel it yourself#i feel like so much of him just wont make any sense to you#maybe im just being pretentious idk but like if you cant relate to his abuse and just#very blatant bpd then I feel like youll just judge him on how good or badof a person he is#like it just doesnt feel like itd hit in the same way like when i see this character talking about being hopeless and the way his trauma#makes him act irrationally like god it just clicks so hard it makes so much sense and i can physically feel it through the screen#I MAY BE FERAL ABOUT THIS CHARACTER TO AN ABSURD DEGREE SHHH#basically what im getting at is i feel if i dont over explain everything about this character to other people i fear they just Wont Get It#and that they will be judgmental which idk i guess makes me defensive#anyway yeah i just enjoy getting to re experience the spiral this guy has given me and i will be thinking about it a lot tonight
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hmmmmmm.................vent post under tags...... feel free to give advice or dontĀÆ\_(ć)_/ĀÆ
#i think this is an autism related thing#but i genuinely feel like i wasnt made right for the world we live in#like something is just missing from me that ive never seen ppl talk about#and i know this is going to sound entitled and privileged and i KNOW i know i promise and im so lucky i can even be thinking about this but#it feels weird to have the privilege to be scared#this is specifically in regards to working#like having a job. like going to work#i feel like im missing an extremely important part of my brain or my BEING that is capable ot going through the motions of participating#in society. i never felt that switch of wanting to get a job in high school to make money for myself and get that experience#i feel like there's something i MISSED where everyone took a class on how to apply and go to interviews and write resumes and not be scared#like i NEED to be walked through every SINGLE step because i dont know HOW#and i see my peers and the literal entire world around me participating in this atmosphere and i dont know where to start#im fucking twenty three years old and ive only ever been an intern and an assistant#not even a full year of working#i cant drive and i probably wont ever because thats a whole other can of worms#and that means i have to rely on other people to even get to wherever it was i needed to go#i feel like a fucking child because im missing this knowledge that everyone else seems to have#ive tried i really have but none of it seems simple and its all so much and there arent steps to follow#i mean there ARE but its like 1) look up job 2) apply 3) interview 4) yay you're employed#and im talking about each micro step inbetween#what am i missing#and then theres the fucking demand avoidance that slaps me across the face whenever my mom brings it up to me like i KNOW youre being#supportive and encouraging and its not your fault my brain turns off and decides im full of shame bc i cant CONFRONT ANYTHING#jesus christ#manf i know u can see this maybe dont bring it up to mom i can do that on my own maybe#i WANT to help i just want to help at my own pace but unfortunately the world isnt built around individual paces and nothing revolves#around me. i know this#i want to help my mom i want her to never be stressed about money and to retire and never work or help me pay my student loans but i#genuinely feel like theres a switch that never turned on in my head and im being left behind and i genuinely dont know how to. like be alive
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Honestly I have realized that 99% of my shipping of vashwood comes from trimax. Yea I vibed with it while watching tristamp but trimax is what took my utter heart and soul
It's to the point where I just don't rly enjoy tristamp vashwood that much anymore hfkshfjd like. OK? Those sure are some dudes. Not My dudes tho, sorry.
#speculation nation#i'll still reblog the fanart if it's good. but yea it just ain't what im about anymore.#i feel like the worst vashwood perceptions r found within tristamp only fans anyways#(this post tangentially related to the post i just reblogged)#tristamp only fans see these two and are like 'this is the Angry Buff Dude and the Tiny Pixy Man'#which pretty much erases like everything they stand for? while also supporting racist caricatures.#not all tristamp only fans do this btw but i have definitely seen it much more around there.#meanwhile trimax vashwood is just like. this is an old married couple. theyre so hopelessly Goofy.#the angst is off the CHARTS. the love even more so.#they very genuinely love each other in trimax In Canon and that's what really gets me.#plus theyre pretty similar in height and build. Adult Men!!!! i like this ship for Adult Men!!!!!#idk this also relates to that post i made yesterday about fandom perception of vash being an innocent uwu virgin#despite being 150 or so years old. & they'll also make wolfwood some sex god or whatever#when comparatively hes been an adult for a MUCH shorter time than vash. my dude's still a pretty young adult ok#and you wanna tell me he's got more sex experience than the 150 year old dude????? ok...#lol im just complaining at this point. i have very specific views of my ideal version of this pairing#and a lot of fandom portrayals are starting to bother me bc of it.#so im just writing my own vashwood my own way. rn focusing on vash being a rounded person#yes having some childish aspects. but also some mature aspects. he's a goofy adult. it can exist simultaneously.#looking forward to when wolfwood finally comes in. i hope to do him justice.
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thinking abt how dan heng is the only xianzhou male character with short hair, and he defected from the xianzhou
#small detail i noticed in my next ādan heng transā analysis#i ended up connecting it to another metaphor but idk if that's me being delusional or if it's intentional#trans metaphor i can understand being intentional but the other one im not sure#bc i genuinely dont know if hyv would purposely make a storyline about a chinese character in that regard#BUT#the beauty of death of the author is i can interpret it that way anyways#ill just have to put disclaimers for extreme subjectivity/opinionated viewpoint#the beauty of metaphors is also that#even if he is a trans narrative -- narratives of rebirth and new beginnings and identity are also just universal experiences -#- anyone can relate to#so while lines like āim not himā āmy name is dan hengā just feel extremely trans wrt deadnaming and stuff#overall dan heng's themes of rebirth and new beginnings are universal for anyone so if anyone comes at me and is like#āwahhh he's not trans stop reading into itā I'll just point to this#xielseraphtext
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