#and like. how little that stuff is able to matter now
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viktor is in love! (headcanons)
summary: how he acts when he loves someone.
content warning: just fluff!! also, this was written with season 1! viktor in mind!
author notes: life has been hard (exams, school stuff, looking for a job and a lot of other things lol), but now im finally able to write again!! :) and season 2 is just arrrgh so good, so good. also, thank u for the request! i really want to write more about vik (and any other arcane characters), so please keep sending those in!!
» at first, viktor would be pretty oblivious about his feelings for you, always ignoring the little tingling in his heart whenever you talked to him, the smile that appeared on his face every time you laughed or the way he seemed to be draw closer and closer to you, like if you were magnetic.
» whenever you talked to him, he would look at you like you were the only thing that mattered in the whole world, like every word you said was sacred, like you were the most beautiful thing he laid his eyes on. and you could swear it was possible to see hearts on those eyes.
» if you happen to work close to piltover’s academy, he will find himself going out more, looking for you in every corner on the streets. but if you work on the academy, he will go to your workplace quite often to brainstorm or just to talk about some subject he is working on.
» and when you happen to talk about the things you like, be prepared to either face viktor staring at you, completely silent, or to be bombarded with viktor questions, trying to learn more about whatever you're interested in.
» after your meet-ups, he always come back to the lab and talk to jayce about you, about the things you like, how you're amazing and beautiful and understanding and pretty and intelligent and so, so many good things.
» maybe he is in love...
#—swe writes#league of legends x reader#lol x reader#viktor arcane#viktor x reader#arcane x reader#why life needs to be this hard yk?? i wish i could turn back in time#i miss the old times :(((( (only 3 months ago)#btw im watching the linkin park show while writing#and oh boy its good!!#also so sorry that this one was tiny. im not at my best :((
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hawks x pregnant reader?... either his kid or someone else's doesn't matter, as long as he's loving sweet and spoiling tf out the baby ❤️ he would be soooo good w postpartum care. im sure he's helped deliver kids in emergency situations - 🌕
thank you for the request! this is adorable <33 sorry this took a while </3 schools been kicking my ass
but anyways
this man is literally meant to be a father
when you told him you were pregnant, his reaction was: “we’re having a baby?” (shocked) -> “we’re having a baby?” (terrified) -> “we’re having a baby?!” (over the moon ecstatic)
your pregnancy wasn’t planned, so admittedly he was very nervous. he always expected to have kids when he had taken a load off of his hero work, and as soon as you asked if you two should reconsider, he immediately stopped you
“no, no, no. i’m.. i’m ready. as long as you are.”
of course he wifed you up IMMEDIATELY
he can’t have you walking around with his baby without a ring on your finger!
for a short period of time, it was extremely stressful and hectic. you wanted to get your wedding done early on in your pregnancy so you could still fit into your dream dress, and keigo was balancing trying to work a lot to try and make the city the most secure he could for when the baby arrived while also wanting to be home with you, but you two found a way to do it. you postponed your honeymoon until a few months after the baby was born (hey, you’d need it then anyways), so the beginning of your marriage was filled with baby-proofing your now shared apartment and setting up a nursery
everyday when he’d wake you up, he’d kiss you on the forehead, then on your growing bump
this man would come home EVERYDAY with baby stuff, “i saw it in a store while on patrol, wouldn’t this be perfect?”
plus, he’d find the exact vitamins you should take and got them for you, wanting you and the baby to be as healthy as possible
he’d insist you don’t lift a single finger, especially since you went through a lot of stress early on with rapidly planning your wedding, but you convinced him to let you be able to help with the baby’s room
whenever you two are alone together, his hand is like, CONSTANTLY on your stomach
he cried when he felt the baby kick
you guys would celebrate every trimester with a little cake with candles on it
you often got late night cravings, and you always told him not to worry about it, but he insisted because he just so happened to be craving the same thing, so it really wasn’t a problem
rubs your back and holds your hair during morning sickness, and is so patient with you with mood swings
when you really started to show and you couldn’t fit into your old clothes, you broke down crying about how you felt so bad about yourself, and he was genuinely so confused because you had never looked more beautiful to him
nevertheless, he took you out shopping the next day for maternity clothes
he’d love buying onesies and bringing them home to “show off” to the baby, aka holding the onesie up to your stomach
“just remember that daddy picked this one out for you, not mommy, so this one has to be your favorite, okay?”
“you are gonna be the best dressed baby in town”
he’d also have the room filled with toys
“oh, i just saw it in a store window and thought it’d be perfect”
you actually had to stop him bc you were quickly running out of room
he’d have your hospital bag packed and ready by the door a month and a half before you were due
so when your water broke, this man was READY
he was right next to you the whole time, encouraging you and letting you squeeze his hand as hard as you needed
so when the baby was finally born, you handed them to him, and he was so, so scared
it all suddenly felt so real
and the baby looked like a perfect combination of the two of you. but they had your eyes. your perfect, loving eyes
he tried to bite back the tears as he gently brushed his finger along the baby’s face
“hey there.. i’m your daddy.. nice to finally meet you, you’ve been giving your mommy lotsa problems these past few months, kiddo.”
he’d kiss their head, still trying to hold back tears. he promised himself that he would be the best goddamn father he could be. better than his deadbeat dad ever could be. your baby would never doubt that they were loved, they’d never wonder where there next meal would come from, and they sure as hell would never be scared of him
postpartum was a bit hard for you, but keigo was there every step of the way. he was a boat in a dark sea, and you knew that you weren’t going through it alone. he got as much time off of work as he could to try and be there for you and the baby, but he still never felt like it was enough
he’d always make sure you knew you were absolutely adored no matter what your brain was telling you, and made sure to take as many of the responsibilities off of you as possible on particularly hard days
not once did you get up at night to feed them or change their diaper. he would always immediately turn the baby monitor off, creeping quietly down the hallway to their room, and would stay with them as long as it took for them to get back to sleep. he was used to having a fucked up sleep schedule, so this was no problem for him
he takes pictures constantly
everyone at work is constantly getting updates on the baby, and you guys started taking monthly family photos, which he rotates out on his desk
you guys know how (unfortunately) a lot of women have to beg their husbands to take care of the baby so they can go shower?
well that’s not you
as soon he gets home, he scoops the baby up, telling you that it’s your time now
“i’ve been gone all day! it’s my turn with the baby, go on, i already started the bath for you” and the bathroom has lit candles, a bath bomb in the warm tub, and one of those little bathtub desk things for a drink and an ipad (yall pls know what i’m talking about 😭)
it’s a constant competition for the baby saying “mama” or “dada” first
one day, the baby just would not. stop. crying. no matter what you guys did, it seems that they would never cease. overstimulated and running out of ideas, keigo strapped a baby wrap to his chest and stuck them in it
“keigo, what are you doing?”
“we’re goin’ for a ride. it always helps me calm down”
“wh- you can’t take the baby flying!”
“they’re my kid, they’ll be fine!”
“oh my god- okay, don’t go too fast, or i swear to god-“
“relax, baby, i got this” he flashed his charming smile at you, and you only sighed
“be back in one piece, okay?”
despite being known as the man who’s too fast for his own good, keigo enjoyed a calm, slow flight. as soon as he hit the air, the baby seemed to immediately stop crying; and as the baby looked up at him with those big, round eyes, keigo realized just how lucky he was to be able to fall in love with those eyes twice in his life
“there ya go kiddo, i knew you just needed some air. just like your dad, hm?”
and he had never felt more proud
#bnha#boku no hero academia#my hero academia#mha#bnha keigo#keigo takami#mha hawks#mha takami keigo#bnha hawks#hawks#hawks x reader#keigo x reader#keigo x you#hawks headcanons#keigo takami x reader#takamiwife#keigo x y/n
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Switching to an old computer so I have something while I send the broken one in and oh my god suddenly I am aware of how much time has passed and I don't like it
#remembering what i cared about back then#and like. how little that stuff is able to matter now#i still care#i just can't do as much about it#suddenly being aware of whats different and what is the same and just being profoundly unhappy about it#the before times#seem so long ago#but also like they were maybe 3 or 4 years ago#because i guess they were#also sort of rubbing in how different things got so quickly#this old thing is being enough of a headache now that i might just use my phone instead holy shit#its bizarre to think i may end up not needing a computer at all in probably a couple years#I'm curious what's in here that I've forgotten about but i suspect actually discovering what it is would only make me feel bad#also wow i had already forgotten windows 10 this does not feel good to use
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unleashing the same hellscape i did on my notes app here it's my nelvas thinking dump i wrote just for fun and to keep track of what i view them as up 2 this point. Might change my mind on it later on it has a lot of things written in brackets for no reason . it's like ~2500 words long which isn't much but i think i said everything i've had in my mind for now read it for fun if you like to have fun leik me :) And talvas :) And nelothxP
retyping what i said in the tags of those last text posts and rearranging those thoughts a bit: in my train of thought that's been going steady since early 2024 i'm almost certain that neloth might see talvas as the epitome of being morally Clean (before that changes because of neloth's influence over him) and generally pure as a person. pure not used in the Pervert way; neloth is just a veeery big fan of talvas having absolutely no backbone and being very docile when it comes to him. which is r expected traits 4 someone if they find themselves under neloth's thumb as an apprentice, but it being written that he isn't at all catty and defiant to his face is cute. all talvas manages to do is shit talk neloth to others and pray neloth doesn't find out he meant the things he said but also can’t help feeling bad about it, even though neloth doesn't and wouldn't care, if he found out. neloth is happy with being an obnoxious & disgusting person. truly.. him growing obsessed with talvas' docile and innocent nature doesn't necessarily have to add up to him wanting to Taint or Ruin him (and if it happens ((it does)) it's not done on purpose, neloth can't hold that much control and power of his actions in that specific department). he encounters difficulties when he realizes he actually wants that Elven Twink.. it's too far gone to fix anything after he's tampered with talvas' patience and stability, and even then he can't be honest with talvas about anything, because he still wants to hold a great deal of power over him (neloth essentials for survival).
Might be the type to just want talvas to magically(haha) think it's okay that his wizard master desires him and expect that energy right back without talvas actually acknowledging it because it'd make neloth feel insanely cringy and embarrassed.. humiliated.. EVEN. but that's just in a deep deep dark corner of his mind, he isn't stupid. when trying to gain 'access' to his apprentice ("*His* apprentice" is also kinda funny way of viewing his mind too. just cause talvas is working as an apprentice under him neloth probably already feels a concerning sense of ownership over him that makes him feel very good) he can't even make the signs of interest be apparent to talvas because he's insanely inept at being Soft and honest for obvious reasons. he can tell what possibly could make talvas warm up to him even after he treats him like shit for eons but there's no way he's bringing himself to do it (change is embarrassing, especially in their formal dynamic, and especially at his age). so it's a half-assed attempt (actually he's trying his hardest🙄) to try and make talvas be (at least) less afraid of him. not that talvas has any other place that we know of that he "Belongs" to, he just sticks with neloth regardless of anything. neloth watching him as he sleeps ensues . Guys what do i do to make my apprentice let me hit because all of the eye contact i do with him while gripping his arm or petting his knee isn't helping.
if we were to go back to how that spark is ignited in neloth swamp of a heart, brain… idk, it has to be when he realizes talvas' capability of forgiveness and 'Sucking it up' instead of lashing out at neloth after .. anything, but perhaps physical abuse in particular. neloth a 100% has absolutely no problem putting his hands on anyone, especially someone he sees so often, such as talvas. not that talvas really annoys him (his clear and voiced obedience pleases neloth as anyone can tell), but he just doesn't see it as too much of a big deal. the physical mistreatment that happens once in a blue moon isn't intense enough to scare off talvas for sure anyways. neloth is a bitch so all he can so is smack him at the back of the head (talvas finds it very normal) and slap him if he's feeling festive (something talvas finds kinda extreme but not that it happens often. he sometimes feels like he deserves it, or that neloth is warranted to do as he pleases. he tosses around it being justified or pitying himself, though). May be possible that neloth would realize he Like Likes talvas once he slaps him, mayhaps, for the first time, but talvas' immediate reaction to being treated like that is just sadness mixed with feeling shame for tearing up/crying in front of someone he respects *bishoujo sparkles sfx*. talvas is a delicate soul so he can't hold warranted emotions like that for long, and even tho it's expected of him to be making eye contact w/ neloth in a setting like that, he wouldn't be able 2 bring himself to do it because looking at neloth would make him wanna burst out in tears like a weeeee baby. Booo hooo.. talvas is the 19th century (4th era) damsel that runs out of the ball in tears after no young cavalier invited her to dance. watch this bleed into the most awkward and silent week of neloth's entire life because talvas doesn't even really feel like speaking to him or looking at him, but neloth doesn't wanna brute force the usual respectful etiquette out of him cus he thinks that's just gonna make talvas hurl himself down on some rough rocks at the seashore. Good thing talvas is very spineless and forgiving (especially in relation to neloth… i mean.. who r YOU to not forgive him) so that might just last a day or two. the hurt always stays tho. neloth this is why talvas doesn't wanna smash you.. you might've made some conclusions about what elven twink you like but talvas is just even more scared of you now. was your Pervert awakening worth it. and even if we do backflips and jump thru the point where everything is too far gone for either of them to go back, dude is still too afraid to make out with his apprentice. Deserve. but why though because talvas wouldn't refuse. for what reason? we may never know
^^^ this makes me feel like i love seeing characters i reaaaalllly love (elenwen and talvas in this case) as enigmas in situations where they're confronted with something so ""Intimate"". elenwen's stance on this is final tho cause she's a grown ass woman and there's no way you could reshape her brain. ulfric left her mind plane in SHAMBLES. talvas has more right (in the literal sense) to be erratic or inconsistent with his actions. maybe he likes to be desired. Also i strongly believe that talvas has probably never been in love (for any reason rly but it's mostly him not having actual time for it + not seeing it as something that is important to him at that point in his life)… i want neloth to be his first experience with Love so that it ruin his view on it forever. can't get myself to say he'd be in love with neloth at any point though. From his standpoint it really should feel empowering and 'nice' that neloth wants him in many ways (ew).. cause that's a man with status.. power.. ability to do anything rly . talvas is in no condition to be playing mind games with him or anything tho so don't get that idea. he's not strong enough of a person to be Tricking anyone or to be Playing with anyone's feelings. neloth would be immune to that, too. neloth can just kinda tell talvas is too good and … UNTAINTED. talvas wants to see the best in everyone. too bad he genuinely detests you, neloth.. so: he doesn't actually love neloth but wouldn't be happy to see his tombstone either. SO (PART TWO): if you time it right he wouldn't be against getting Freakkkkyyyy with you okay?but no promises
even if @ some point talvas develops indistinct feelings towards neloth cause of neloth's own incessant weird-mild advances it wouldn't have to mean he just likes old men permanently now. actually it kinda does. i can sorta feel it rearranging his braincells and making him unable to normally interact with people in his age range. he probably already had a hard time talking to others in hopes of developing a friendship just cause he's timid but after neloth's nonstop abuse and Accidental romance mind games he morphs into a whole new type of guy. it's hard to notice at first but he'd probably just start to leech off of neloth's prissy and unbearable personality in a natural course of things + neloth is the only person he sees and talks to on the regular pretty much. < this can just be reworded as just the cycle of abuse and whatnot. if he notices an opening in the abilities and Smarts of another person, especially someone his age/younger, he will automatically see them as umm…stupid. and also insult your abilities to your face if he snaps. he strikes me as the type to be afraid to say what he really thinks (another consequence of being glued to neloth all the time when all talvas does is act like he totally respects anything he says) and gets scared if anything slips out his mouth but is proud in letting the "Truth" be known because he already figured out you're a lesser being than him. he's just cloning neloth's verbal abuse braincells though he would never put his hands on someone. his desire to be mean and see himself as superior stems from neloth always disparaging him obviously.. talvas 4 that reason is very self conscious of his abilities and doesn't rly think he's all that useful or talented. his self doubt then would play into how he doesn't know when to believe what others are saying to and about him.. i wanna imagine that talvas is very oblivious to neloth's weirdo status just cause he partly doesn't even want that thought to cross his mind. i bet everyone but him sees it and finds it gross😕 but nobody in the vicinity is strong enough to tell neloth that he should be ashamed LMFAO. if you would try and even hint to talvas that it's happening he'd never take you seriously and just get mad. he's protective of neloth's image more than neloth himself is; not that people knowing neloth has abnormal sodomistic inclinations toward his apprentice would make his public image worse than it already is (everyone already thinks he's weird so it's not shocking at all) but talvas still wouldn't wanna hear it cause he thinks it's just false. maybe he's just ashamed that he's being brought into the whole thing. also because he doesn't wanna face the reality EJI23JRIO32KJ Well talvas when neloth makes an actual move on you don't say that we didn't warn you.. we're all waiting till neloth's status as an obvious apprentice-pervert becomes obvious to you
even if he's willingly ignorant of the fact he still thinks of the 'accusations' a lot when he feels like it. and unknowingly begins feeling even more uncomfortable in neloth's presence. heart starts beating faster and everything. neloth could come up to him meters away and talvas would still cover his mouth in realization and be like "i knew it… the DB told me but i didn't wanna believe it …..😦 so you really do like young men … and you're in love with me ..😨" *Neloth wakes up from this fever dream drenched in sweat* < neloth doesn't want (obvi) talvas to react that way at any point because he himself would just get scared so they'd just be staring at each other wide eyed. but talvas jumping into his advances isn't what he wants either (that'll also scare him). neloth is still relying on talvas' politeness to let him do as he pleases. but it is impossible for talvas to let it slide without questioning anything regardless so🤷♀️ take your few Ls and move on. neloth just wants talvas to sit on his lap. wants to spoonfeed him soup. he's so romantic. he also wants to(sniper on rooftop blows my head to bits). neloth is actually a pretty touchy feely person when he's feeling Frisky (=deranged about talvas). I'm certain his favorite part of talvas' body is his legs. talvas has beautiful young man skipping leg day legs. so nothing special at all but neloth wants to touch them lol.. let your master wizard squeeze your calves and he might just be occupied enough like a kid playing with a fidget toy to not abuse you verbally for 3 seconds. as i said befoar neloth is unpleasant with his touch because he doesn't know how to be soft + doesn't even want it to necessarily feel very 'rewarding' as to not pamper talvas. petting talvas kinda turns into a nervous habit for himself and an instrument of some sort of Reassurance 4 talvas when he wants him to know he’s not mad, for example. non-vebal confirmation. talvas still finds it weird but thinks it’s a charm point too. neloth wouldn't even be against touching him familiarly in front of others but only in a "older male figure" ways ex. touching his knee or putting his hand at the back of his neck (talvas sees it as some sort of disciplinary tactic though). physical touch that matches neloth's age and is enough for it to be seen as not necessarily romantic / overtly weird.
there'ssssss no saving talvas after such a powerful person gets his hands on him. any will to leave would leave HIM either out of fear or out of attachment and neloth wouldn't just let him go (Alive at least) since he knows the things he knows. if talvas were to escape i'm a Truther of him not feeling in place and wanting to go back cause it's the stability that he's used to. but tbh if he encounters neloth on accident anywhere he's gonna start running. I was drinking tea while writing this and started choking on it i just nearly died writing this are youhappy. anyways, nelvas is a never-ending abusive relationship that doesn’t even have High highs, all it has is low lows. neloth always mistreats talvas for any reason but is never genuinely kind from the heart or out of remorse. .. hmm……yeah. I forgot to type this back out from my posts tags > talvas might just start viewing neloth as fuck crazy and demented after he Finally notices at least one molecular sign of gay attention from him . like ‘Oh wow Master Neloth obviously doesn’t get any female attention or anything cus he’s a sick fuck why does he have to search for it from me Can varona take the hit for me 🥺 *sees her dead body being dragged by the DB* hmm i guess not well i’ll figure something out i guess’ (he doesn’t) also the dialogue talvas has with varona after he steals neloth’s book trying to conjure some bs up will always be so cute to me he’s so defensive and afraid of neloth finding out. Him trying to decipher neloth’s handwriting is cute TOO ik their 19th century love letters to each other would go crazy and make sense to anyone but each other but i’m not gonna talk about 19th century girl talvas x neloth rn it’s too much . what ever. i think i’m done thank you i should just go back to drawing them as grecian pottery red figures or smthj Fun stats for you 4 getting to the end: times the word ‘abuse’ is used: 6
#text#i've been putting more meaning(?) into the nelvas-es i've been drawing lately so i wanted to see how it would reflect in words#the fact that dis will show up in tags will haunt me a little bit but if i add asteriks it will be incomprehensible LOL#i hope this isn't too hard to understand when reading bc i know i have an easier time reading stuff like this instead of 'snobby' writing -#- bc i like knowing how the thoughts were brewing as they were written down.#but it may not be the case for all people.#what do U think of it.#i think what i;ve always liked the most in being able to talk w/ people Online is getting to know their thoughts on the same thing#more than anything else#i literally sucked and spit out all of the skajrim lore factors out of their relationship pretty much (not that it had much in the first -#- place) so it's just a reading on a possible scenario with the characters i was given#i mean characters i put in the soup pot decorating the middle of my brain#this is december-may 2024 facts for now#just so i remember#abuse //#< OKAY#log#< is gonna be my tag for this type of thing if i end up saying more because i already started torturing my notes app with what i think of -#- civil war characters#tumblr is pussy so it made me reformat the paragraph breaks i made. they don't rly matter anyway but still
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Got hit with that weird feeling again, but I wouldnt quite describe it as hope?
It rlly is just the feeling of being suddenly really aware of your situation in life. But specifically that it's not bad.
#sepiasys.txt#Had a lot of reflection ^^;; And I think I still want to think about this stuff?#I am *happy*; or atleast content. The fears and worries have been washed away (probably purely bc I can draw).#I'm sure things will feel scary again if I get questioned or things get uninstalled. I hope not. But right NOW; things feel... good? idk ^^;#It just feels strange. It feels weird to have the good so separate from the bad ^^;; I know there is bad but I'm not experiencing it..?#Not now atleast. and we've kinda always tried to have the mindset that what is happening presently matters more than worrying for the future#or overthinking and regretting the past ^^;; I guess that's a way of explaining how we 'got over' anxiety and depression(?); huh? Even if a#friend (multiple) was able to call out that we're very anxious (insert jokes about getting me to smoke weed with them /lh(/t? /pf?)#nakxhjsnd brain is becoming soupy mushy goop sorta so thinking is not simple anymore but yeah. Uh. Things feel weird ^^;; But in a good way?#It won't be forever; I know that! But I hope we can enjoy the good for as long as it lasts <:3#Now to think about drawing the red haired little FREAK‼️ (idk what or who it is but there's like. something. something there.)
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Getting into stuff that has a lot of pre-announced release dates is really good for me like vocal synthesizer products and new love live etc franchise music releases....I'll be lying in bed at like 2 AM with ur usual 20-something's fear and existentialism over time and the future and then I'll remember a piece of singing software or a new song related to cartoon characters I like is gonna come out like next month and I'm like 😌
#this keeps happening to me with the upcoming december#miki and kiyoteru sv.....im so excited...if they get delayed ill scream#jk jk ill be fine but i do hope we get some demos in November soon!#soyogi still doesnt have a concrete release date but hes also probably december#now if HE gets delayed i will actually explode. i will spontaneously burst into flames#the other night i had a dream about aivoice2 ryuusei coming out. which is a normal thing to happen#it literally was just like i went online and saw videos people made with him SHDBFBSJFNFN#premonition dream...this is what will happen in november#but it reminded me i wasnt as familiar with how aiv2 sounds with a2sync. i like the aiv1 kotonosync situation#BUT it is very noisy and the vocals usually sound like lalavoice with the slightly obvious looping#which is charming but not as versatile in the grand scheme of talk synths made to sing#just the nature of it. but a2sync sounds FANTASTIC i was really shocked. im curious how his#particularly deep voice will sound compared to a more medium gentle tone like iori but im excited#im really curious how he'll sound compared to vv humming ryuusei#now what weve seen of his design.....im not suuuper into quite yet. its not BAD and well see when its fully out#but i dont care for the blue hair bits. im picky about hair dye in alternate designs#i like his gray black default situation too much. also i DO like how slutty his design is looking#but also it might look um. a little too much for a talk synth? like brother whats going on here#why are u so dressed up to chat ....i guess for fun#then again his aiv1 design was also probably more appropriate for singing synths rather than talking But I like that one more LOL#doesnt matter too much for me though im more interested in the unofficial singing side stuff AHDBFHSHFBDJJD#which also reminds me i hope someday aiv1 vy series can get a aiv2 update#a full singing synth would be nicer but i wouldnt mind a talk turned singing synth. i know everyone hates the aiv vy designs#i dont hate them theyre not great but theyre fine for talk synths. i think nancy is hilarious. white woman jumpscare#im not a huge fan of the main fanon vy designs (theyre good but they dont fit to me) so i dont mind the aiv ones#even if its just two random people SHBFJFAJFJFJSJJF but yeah i hope they get a aiv2 someday#i think it would be fun to make em sing with a2sync hee hee#also on the ll end i am so excited for dia birthday album end of dec#AND all the new liella tunes. i still havent watched the new season because i havent been able to sit down and enjoy it yet#but soon....next week ill have time...sooooooon
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household enemy to the yyh watchthrough number one is the olympics. it's taken us a week to get two episodes into the gamemaster fight
#out of three. please the third episode's what makes it okay im fighting for my life out here#it is NOT for lack of trying on my part but theres only a brief window of time when the olympics is not happening#and as it turns out the watchthrough is Not my mom's first priority (how dare she etc)#i do feel slightly bitter that we've gotten through two eps of band o brothers in the same time#we are fighting for the same timeslots yet somehow the hour long show's gotten a leg up??#you don't have time for a 23 min ep but DO for a 60 min one?? explain the math to me please#idk how to explain the vague feeling of betrayal bc it Does Not make sense Nor matter in the slightest#but cmonnnn we were doing so well. and my little bro's starting up school again soon and my dad's gotta go back to work#sometimes eventually (<- hes on medical leave) and my grandparents are coming over next week We're Losing Time Soon#ughhh if i'd known the olympics were happening (<- somehow completely oblivious to this) i'd have accounted for#my mom getting whisked away by the land of synchronized divers and shot putters and whatever the hell#happens in the summer olympics (<- only pays attention to winter olys)#bc that always happens. and *i* have to go back to school in Some Amount Of Time Im Too Scared To Check (p sure it's late aug though) and#when that happens i'll (hopefully) be stuck across town which means we won't be able to do it any time besides the weekends#and i don't wannaaaaa#i know this is the least important problem anyone's ever had like i get that i know but#it's important to me that they sit down and watch this with me. and watching it pull apart and being#the one who's easily the most invested it makes me look all desperate when i ask them for their time and they can't give it#we can only pull this off neatly in the summer and we were so close and now we're losing it right at the finish line#i don't want life to get in the way of this little bubble i've fought so hard to make y'know#and it's childish and embarrassing and whatever but i just want them to have fun with me with this thing i care about a lot#but i can't do that bc my mom needs to watch the judo matches at Every weight class#even though she's recording a lot of them? i don't understand but whatever i know it's her thing im just moping about it ig#i want it to be as perfect an experience for them as possible and it's slipping away from me#and i don't wanna leave this project unfinished when i start school y'know. sighh#i think they might feel like i only want them around when we're watching stuff. whcih is weird bc that's like#The Singular Way we family bonded literally my whole life so idk why they wouldn't get that when reversed#but either way that IS how i wanna spend time with them. i want them to understand this thing that's become a part of me#and i wanna talk With them about it. and so far it's been fun in a way it's never been before. my mom at least seems to really like it#and i want it to Keep going well bc if we lose momentum im worried they'll start finding it tedious. sighh
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am finally back home and can say without a doubt that i am just fundamentally not built for long distance travel however the train was much nicer than planes
#that being said. pressurized cabins drive me insane a little bit#and also it gives you pretty intense sea legs for a While#like. the ones from the first trip hadnt gone away by the return one. so. might be stuck with that for a few days#we shall see#also ajr live fucks severely#the albums were already incredible but that was a goddamn religious experience#like. idk the way i think abt it is theyre more djs than a regular band esp w their performance showing the making of way less sad#like their music is very electronic‚ theyre making mixes of their own sound effects more than singing in one go#so like. the vocals were a teeensy bit rough at times#notably times it has taken me Literally Hundreds Of Hours Practice to be able to consistently sing along with#and times ive found its literally physically impossible to like. no matter what#idc how big your lungs are‚ there is no human on earth who can do that final run of karma in one breath#much less to An Entire Stadium After An Hour Of Jumping And Dancing And Singing Loud As Fuck#so like i dont blame them for that‚ you dont go to live shows expecting it to be 100% perfect anyways jwbdjsbfksb#the trumpet however. well she was certainly playing sometimes. and was very enthusiastic about her flares.#however. in most of their songs they use midi trumpets to my ear at least#meaning she was likely an addition specifically for live performances and in my personal band kid opinion#prooobably was not in any of the like. higher tier bands? idk just. a lot of the mistakes she was making were hitting as stuff that got#taught out of us the instant we joined any band beyond regular concert#so i would guess she was probably just like. a friend who happened to play trumpet in high school or maybe even just middle school#and they knew that the trumpet parts in their pieces were big and distinct enough that like they /had/ to get a live player#and just kinda. didnt anticipate the audition -> performance gap#like. her tone was really fried the whole time like she was playing as hard as possible#which. she was mic'd. have the sound guy turn her up.#the way they did it made it sound like she was using a mute but not. like she only got the bad parts of a mute from it yknow#her tempo and timing were. bad. theres no nice way to put that one it just Was Bad‚ like the trumpet runs in ajr songs arent. complicated#like. quite literally if you handed me the sheet music right now i would have it down perfect in a week at absolute most#and better than that player on sightread. like. we did so many sightreading drills.#like ill share my band kid creds if anyone cares but i need to emphasize this isnt me being braggy like. they genuinely just arent hard#fuck im out of tags. w/e i think only like one of yall also listens to them anyways so i can leave it there
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Ratchet and clank double sided charm I designed and then had a heart attack when I converted it to cmyk and never ended up getting it ordered. Another time, perhaps
#ratchet and clank#r&c#love these guys so much#art#my art#digital art#ratchet#clank#idont know how to tag properly on this site idont think i ever did i just end up rambling a little#no harm in that tho right#im sure iys what people will come to my account for#anyway rn im just getting thru my backlog of art so i think I'll be able to post consistently for at least a few more days#i get more critical the older back i go but if you want a full uh discography of 80% of my art go to my instagram#self promo isuppose but also iam not ever posting my stuff from 3 years ago on here iys so garbo . like im proud of how far ive come for#sure but also its a little ugly. anyway. rstchet and clank. love those silly littke guys. theyve been in my life since i was like 9#im 20 now for reference#idk why that matters actually#anyway i credit ratchet for the reason i grew up loving anthropomorphic animal characters and i credit clank for my absolute and total#adoration of robots
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#also i've finally deleted L's number from my phone and the sad spotify playlist and the list of her fav things#(also i feel like saying list of her fav things sounds weird and creepy. just to clarify i keep a running list for each of my friends with#like important info and their fav food and coffee order and stuff like that because i have a really bad memory and can't always remember#details like that even though i really care. i just have trouble recalling details when i want to get them treats and stuff)#but anyway.. i deleted all that stuff from my phone. i even charged my old phone so that i could delete her number from there too. i want to#let her go. i've moved on so long ago but for some reason i just haven't been able to fully let her go so i've held onto these little things#but i'm finally ready to fully let her go#so i deleted that stuff. i cut that connection. i no longer have her number. and it feels so good#like that tiny part of me holding on is a little sad. but it's more mourning the loss of what could've been#but i've accepted that it doesn't matter. i can't keep thinking about what would've happened if she hadn't moved or if i'd reached out#sooner when she got back. i can wonder and wonder but i'll never be able to go back in the past. i don't need to wonder anymore#because honestly i don't even want to be with her anymore.. it would kind of be embarrassing. idk i was just such a different person when we#were seeing each other. i feel like a completely different person than that and idk it's almost embarrassing that she knew me like that when#i know how much better i am now. like i just truly like myself more now than then. i'm so much cooler now lmao#but yeah. i don't want her anymore. i'm letting go. i can finally actually let go and it feels so good#and not only for me but like i'll no longer have that tiny layer of guilt when dating anybody else#and i'll be able to actually fully be all in for that person and that's what i want#i don't want to hold out for her anymore#and honestly. i hadn't been while dating N#that's a whole other thing i have to deal with#but i'm just glad that i'm no longer holding onto L. i just feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me :)#blake says shit
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over the past few days I've switched from watching lots of cleaning videos (which was good because they made me want to clean - though that effect is still there for now) to sewing videos (which is very very bad because now I want to sew more and get a sewing machine that actually works right (I got mine used for like 50€ and it's very basic and a lot of things just keep breaking/not working (which is probably at least in part because I don't know enough about using it correctly)))
#I'm not good at sewing#I don't know what I'm doing at all#but it's sooo much fun (until my stupid sewing machine breaks and I have to spend the rest of the day figuring that out)#I really want to learn how to make clothes and stuff but I won't even try with this sewing machine#now to be clear it's an alright sewing machine and it mostly works fine if you just want to sew a straight line on thin non-stretchy#fabric and never change the yarn.#*thread (I keep mixing those up because they're the same word in German so it's very confusing)#but anything even slightly more complicated or anything with thicker fabric does not work. I've tried so many needles and settings and#solutions I found online#and it just never works consistently#I'm not spending money to get it fixed professionally. no matter how little it would cost it's not worth it#unfortunately I've already found a beginner computer sewing machine and it's expensive (though much less expensive than I would have#thought) and I don't know if I'll be able to get it anytime soon but I really want it 😔😔😔#but ugh the thought of not having to thread the needle anymore and not putting the bobbin in in the front and fixing all the problems that#come with that is sooo nice#oh yeah my machine also refuses to work with thicker/stronger thread. I've figured out that it does work most of the time if it's just the#bobbin thread.#but like. I don't want to spend hours learning how to fix this stupid machine all the time! I want to learn how to use it to sew!#so yeah this isn't going to work long term.#ugh my dad's ex (the most awful person I've ever met) was a trained seamstress. damn I should have made her teach me 😔 then she would've#been good for something at least instead of just giving me a bunch of additional trauma 🙃#(but yay at least it seems like I finally don't associate sewing with her and feel terrified just thinking about it anymore!)#personal
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Fluff, Drama, Lighthearted or Dark
FMA, Wonderland, Ygo or anything in between
I wanna plot gdi.
Look I love short n sweet interactions, quick asks and small threads they're all great but I'm going to be perfectly honest. I Miss plotted stuff.
I miss a single lengthy thread, or continues story beats and plots over multiple. I want progression.
Character Growth- for all muses, the world and story building, relationship growth/bonding. The good, the bad, the happy , the sad and everything else that comes with those types of threads.
Quite frankly that's what I want more then anything in regards to Kisara, future of the blog, general desire/rp interest.
This isn't to say I want to stop or won't continue doing small stuff, answering asks and sending that. I'm always for those especially as good buffers whether as a break from a current thread, a lull in motivation, life getting in the way of being able to focus on lengthy things you know whatever.
I'll always be 110% on board for any and every interaction nor am I discounting the enjoyment they've brought in the past, I love everyone one of you guys and everyone of our interactions has been a joy to do and always will be.
But I'm gonna be real it has been far to long since I last did like a properly plotted thread, a fun long continuous thread that didn't end up dying out or forgotten real quick.
Just wanted to let everyone know this is what I've really been feeling and really wanting to try and lean into more not just for her but in general with my rping as whole this year.
But especially here cause in part the fragmented one shot mini threads while always fun they kinda end up all over the place and I'd love to be able to start creating some kind of time line? do interactions that will actually carry over from one to the next, consequences for actions, lasting affects of things good or bad between threads (which I already have been trying to do that with some of her interactions and not just let them sit in a unconnected nebulous zone of their own heh)
#I hope this doesn't come off as rude or demanding or anything#I kept quiet but this has been on my mind for awhile#Was always afraid as coming off as pushy or potentially worse ungrateful for the rps/interactions#that have been done#because I'm not#I adore each and every interaction no matter how big or small they all mean the world#just knowing you want to interact with my little girl#but I fear that in part she herself has kind of become stagnant with all her interactions#being relatively brief and more or less the same nothing to push forward#and even if that wasn't true I just adore being able to essentially work together and write story for our muses#plus by plotting and giving more for the muses it may also make it easier/ add to even the small stuff you know#Gotta start small to get big but when doing big stuff still need the small now and then heh#so yeh small threads/short interactions/ask based on offs ect none of that is going anywhere#I've just really wanted to try and get into a more plotted/story proegression type of direction? focus?#I don't want to end up feeling like I'm in a rut of the same old things#and of course I understand life exists motivation or lack there of can come and go or be directed who knows where#and all of that#but even if it means having to slowly get that train going before it can head full speed down the tracks I don't mind taking the time#that's all okay#but let's work together to get it going then
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The reason people don’t want to work is that it’s just normal for them to be in bad work environments.
My issue with working at Walmart wasn’t the work itself I was doing. It was the circumstances around it. The concrete floor, lack of places to sit, having to put up with asshole customers, not getting time off for injuries, and bad pay.
If I had been given shock pads to stand on or a few chairs to rest on sometimes, if they paid me a livable amount of money and I was allowed to yell back at asshole customers, if they had given me any amount of training, I would happily work part time folding clothes all day and telling people where the swimsuit section is.
I’m a creative type. I’m a writer. I’m pretty smart, even. But if I could make a living folding shirts and listening to podcasts in one ear and helping people find the scented candles for 30 hours a week? I would. Leaves some mental space free for me to brainstorm. Lets me catch up on my reading with audiobooks.
But instead I was treated so badly by upper management and customers that I’m like legitimately a little frightened whenever I step into a Walmart now. And I only worked there for three months a few years ago.
I’m a good lower level worker. When I’m treated well. I like finishing tasks. I like being helpful. I like having some time to talk to coworkers and some time alone with my thoughts. I’m a frickin team player. And that’s how I was at my first job. I was treated well by my supervisor. I was trained. They were patient with me. I was so good at being low on the totem pole at that job because I was valued and felt like I was being listened to. I was able to sit still when there was nothing left to do which made it feel less bad when we were on a time crunch. I didn’t mind working hard at that job because it was fun even though I was doing all the low level stuff that the supervisors didn’t want do.
But at Walmart I was like that for all of two days. Then I figured out that nobody appreciated my work and if I worked in my normal people pleasing manner I’d kill myself because their standards were high and the rewards for meeting them were low.
So I slowed down. I started avoiding customers. I started taking a lot longer to get to my breaks and to come back from them. I became worse at my job because no matter how good I was at it there would be no reward, no appreciation, and I’d just be pushed further beyond my limits.
My only level of happiness from that job came from the people who were working with me. The old ladies and my department manager who made sure I wasn’t overextending myself. The one other young man working in the clothing department who always got sent with me to unload the heavy stuff and commiserated with me about the shoulder injuries, the hurting feet we were too young to have.
But none of that was enough to make me stay. We were constantly understaffed. I was constantly abused by customers and not able to do a thing about it. I was not paid much at all. So as soon as I had enough saved up for what I was trying to do and my last semester of college was about to start I handed in my two weeks.
I would have found a way to stay if I liked that job. If I liked that job I would’ve pushed myself to my mental limits to finish college and keep that job at the same time. Heck that job could’ve been a rest from college. A place to get away from it. But I hate that job so I got out as soon as I could.
I want to work. I want enough money to live sort of comfortably. I want to have some tasks to do to give my creativity a rest. I want to be a part of something. But the way that modern corporate run work environments are set up does not give me any of the things I actually want out of a job. And I think that’s the same for millions of people right now. A lot of people would happily spend their lives as a waitress or an Uber driver or a warehouse worker or a farmhand or any other “low skill” job you can possibly think of. But with the way the world works right now those jobs are absolutely miserable. It doesn’t have to be that way. I know because I’ve had a fulfilling part time minimum wage job that I looked forward to going to every week. A job where I was listened to and allowed to sit when I needed to. I miss that job. Especially now since I’ve realized that’s not the standard. It should be. People should look forward to going to work or at the very least not get mild ptsd whenever they set foot into a Walmart.
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Not gonna lie
I dont think I'll ever forgive my parents for how poorly they mishandled our dog's health. I constantly felt as though it was my fault even though I quite literally couldn't do any more than i did. I still feel as though it was my fault. He deserved so much fucking better. I love him, and he had to endure such horrible skin problems because my parents refused to take him to a better vet because they were convinced the one they went to was fine. Even though I protested them for YEARS. I tried so fucking hard to get them to see what was going on but they just let it get worse and worse. They would never listen. And I couldn't take him somewhere on my own because I was a kid with no money. My sibling was too busy to notice. And my mom couldn't accept that it was her fault, and that she could've done better. I think she knows now but is still denying it to herself. My dad, quite frankly, didn't care.
#thinking about it right now because of how neglectful ive felt in regards to my dog's teeth#even though it again is the result of my parents not caring#or not wanting to realize#for fucks sake. they didnt take the other family dog to the vet for YEARS until i coincidentally#almost killed myself and they decided to do things that would make me happy#and why didnt they? because they didnt want to admit they were being neglectful in that regard#but i think it was a wake up call for them#when he had to get a quarter or more of his teeth removed as a result.#im so worried about my dog#they wouldnt LET me get his teeth cleaned for years#and when i got him we had agreed that they would pay for the teeth#and i really thought they would show up. despite the fact that it took me three fucking years to get my own cavity filled bc my#mom is insane about health stuff and im too fucking mentally ill to get a nine to five#and it ended up being a root canal because of it#and i told them time and time again that i would spend my money from my grandparents on his teeth#in a fucking instant#but i dont hsve control of the account. because of course i dont. and i cant help but feel like i failed my dog#even though i dont even know if he'll even need more than one tooth pulled yet#he's everything to me#he keeps me alive#he threw me out of a haze that for sure wouldve otherwise ended up with me bleeding out#so im not being dramatic. hes the reason i get up every day and get out of the house and take care of myself. because i know he loves me and#depends on me. and DON'T say animals dont love the same because for all intents and purposes love is being able to depend on people. that's#what love is. love is about caring for people and being cared for in return#it doesnt matter if he doesnt comprehend things the same. he comforts me when im sad. he lays on me when i have migraines#that's love to me. and i loce that little guy wven when he's an annoying little shit. hes my bro yk?#hes there for me when i need him so I'll always be there for him. shoutoit to my dog for being himself#also ik he does it because i care for his needs. but like. what is platonic and familial love or like love in general i guess if not#reciprocating care? even if it's not the same kind of care it's still care. you provide what the other person needs when they cant provide#it for themself.
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ok the vibe is: I’m just a silly little guy in a dreadful little world. time to go back to my roots (*eats croutons straight from the bag*)
#sneaky niki#it’s update time on yours truly#lamb loose liveblogging#I’m using that tag in case anyone reading my current fic needs to know where I’m at#I did rest a little bit. thank you for asking#no. unfortunately my hand seems to be getting worse. I still need to take a shirt on of notes for my IRL stuff tho#*SHITTON of notes (y u censor me text-predictive keyboard??)#so I’m trying to pace myself a little#but I did write something for the fic!#yay me :D#turns out my circadian rhythm is fucked anyway. so I still wake up at 5am every morning no matter what#they will scoop me off the floor one of these days#in the meantime.............. I’m like. I’m 200k words in as I check the draft for the entire project and#fellas is it gay to hyperfocus on two trash idiots so much you end up writing 200k words for them??#in like....... 5 months??#on the bright side. I’ll meet a friend this weekend after 4 months apart :D#I’ve self-isolated so much that I don’t know how I’ll manage. but I’ll be in a bookstore for the first time in 4 months! can u believe it??#still. city scary. full of women I won’t be able to stare in the eyes. I’m easily affected.#also so many dogs I will never have the courage to ask if I can pet#anyway regarding the fic#I’m trying to map out ch18 now#all I can say is: SDY u cvnt. absolute trash of a man. I will avenge you#also backscratchers and a man walking on a roof are somewhat involved??#let’s hope I can plan this out the right way before word-vomiting all over it#so. that being said. I hope anyone reading is having a good time#if not I still hope you can get some comfort from your pets or plants or projects#or people. yea. those too. (notice how effortless that was. very much a people’s person me. obviously)#Niki out ~<3
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found out that rascal's owner took him again while i was out, and he's probably not gonna be back since the semester's almost over. i don't even know if his owner's coming back next semester, if i'll ever see him again. if he'll ever see me again. why do they wait until im not around to do this? why do they never let me say goodbye to him?
#i didnt really get to process it bc i found out when i was hanging w a friend but. im processing it now#sigh.. i dont know. i dont know.#at the end of the day he is and has always been someone else's cat. i can't control what she does with him#no matter what i think of it. she can always take him away. but every time it happens im just. im tired yknow?#it's worth it to me to have him around. i love him dearly and i want him to be in a home where he's actually cared for (which i have done my#best to provide) but he's just. not mine. and every time it happens i back up and think man. im such a sucker.#i don't think people manipulate me often. not in an ongoing way i mean. i don't think ppl see me as valuable enough to most of the time.#but damn. she really found my weak spots didn't she. free petcare courtesy of one chump who can't live without animals around. sigh#he deserves stability but he deserves love more. this weird shared custody thing is better for him i think. and frankly i also love him.#im not the priority here but my feelings are like. there. him being taken away without even telling me first hurts. i'd like to be able to#say goodbye to him. im not saying he has to stay or this has to go on but couldn't they just.. consider my feelings a bit more?#just bc you're fine with dropping your cat off somewhere for weeks not knowing when you'll see him again and not visiting doesn't mean i am#and i kind of feel like my roommate is part of this. after all it's not like his owner can just break into our room and take him#and if im always out when they do it there's a chance roomie's just shipping him off whenever she gets sick of him.#she's done it before. even after she agreed so vehemently with me about never wanting him to go back to such treatment and stuff early on.#she's been spraying him for little reason lately too. and i mean i get being a little more cautious with some things bc her neck's broken#but she's really fixated on how much he smells and bites and stuff and talks about how if i wasn't around she'd consider eating him#and then other times she's like that's my pookie. i don't get it. like yeah i tell rascal to fuck off sometimes bc he hurts me but it's not#like a hateful thing. i dont resent him for it i'm just annoyed sometimes bc he's maiming me a little. he's my baby. how could i loathe him?#so it makes me think that roomie might be blaming his transfers on his owner bc she doesn't want me to judge her#and like. this is her room too. it's not her fault she's more bothered by the smell than me. if she doesn't want to be bitten and clawed all#the time i can sympathize. i don't wanna force her to house him. but i wish she'd just be honest with me i guess#like. what if his owner decides to give him away without telling me? i'd take him in in a heartbeat. even though i know it's a bad idea.#but i'm worried he'll fall out of my reach completely. and at the very least I'd like to be able to say goodbye first. that's all.
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