#and like im happy rn but i know i wont be if this is my life forever so i just gotta make all my plans happen | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

falmerbrook · 9 months ago

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I'm getting back into animating after having to avoid it for a year because of my hand pain, and while I'm really excited about it and about posting to youtube again, I'm also kinda scared to actually post tes animations because it means I'm gonna have to interact with the gamer™ crowd. They can be fun, but also part of the reason I only feel comfortable with posting tes stuff here is because I find half of the fanbase everywhere else stressful and obnoxious to deal with sometimes. For example: my nerevarine is an argonian, and l'm quite proud of his design and like sharing him, but ever time I do on youtube or reddit or twitter I inevitably get the same "hurr durr argonian nerevarine?!? that doesn't make sense" or faux-racist argonian comments that I don't even know what to do with. It's not exclusive to that scenario, but it's like there's always one or two uncomfortable comments under any given tes fanart or post that goes against the standard popular meme interpretations of everything. and I hate dealing with them

#i didnt explain this well but i think some of you know the kind of thing im talking about #mine #vent #not a serious one or anything though #anyway im really happy with the little animation exercise im putting together of stellar (my nerevarine) rn but im thinking i just wont #mention hes a morrowind character when i post it to yt to avoid this sort of stuff #like in my christmas animation from a year ago hes briefly in it as the nerevarine and im still getting nothing-burger comments about it

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aru-art · 2 months ago

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been on an oc redesign kick. this is incomprehensible to anyone but me and like 2 other people probably. hi tim if ur reading this

#im not entirely happy with kaori still but im glad i got everyone's different ears down finally. AND THEIR HAIR. god their hair #im really reallyyyy pleased with dallas though hes so cutie #moor's edge #<- oc tag for these freaks #june and vera are both trans in the way that yea they probably have something going w their genders but theyre at work so they dont care rn #can call them he or she respectively but they wont correct u if u call them anything else #character design #illustration #ocs #sketches #my art #2024 #i always feel a bit dumb posting oc stuff cause its like. who cares. but then i remember this blog is just meant to be an archive for me #i also feel like kaori has more going on than just being bi but she hasnt been in my mind's rock tumbler long enough to figure that out #ill let her cook for a bit longer #none of my guys are cishet though thats all i know

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opens-up-4-nobody · 7 months ago

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#my dads back in ohio again so im back on my own. i still feel terrible but at least i have a plan #i have 2 weeks of this semester left. so i have to not fail my genomics exam and work on a group project plus grade a bunch #shouldnt be too hard but everything makes me so tired rn and i just feel this barrier between myself and everything else #even when my dad was here. i just dont kno how to feel happy. just varied levels of stress #but after the semester is over ill have to find a job for the summer. which super stresses me out bc i havent really had a real job outside #academia and im worried about how stressful ill find it bc im sure its gonna suck but at least i wont have to work on my project #i just think if i had a normal job that doesnt dominate every aspect of my life id feel a little less terrible. or at least i wouldnt send #myself spiralling so much. if i stay here i might not survive it #but what if ill just make myself miserable wherever i am? i dunno. but im gonna try to find a non academic job this summer with the epa or #maybe the usgs. i mean ive gota a bachelor's and a masters in environmental topics. that's gotta count for something #just get a government job. pray for a not terrible set of coworkers. and build something from there #it just sucks bc i feel like everythings falling apart and like i kno if i gave it my all i could pull thru and get my phd but im just so #tired of struggling against something everyone else can do. i just cant read at a level appropriate for what im doing #ugh. i dont wanna study for genomics. i just wanna sleep. i just wish i wasn't in this position #and now i a baby about it. i mean my sisters r in similar positions bc the youngest is currently looking for a teaching job. and my middle #sister is looking to move to new york city in the next 6 months and she'd be quitting her job for that. so we're all sorta in flux #i just wanna not be flailing. not watch my hopes and dreams collapse. be excited about anything. im just sad bc i have to make hard choices #even if i know theyre the right ones to make if i want to continue to exist. sometimes u cant have the things u wany.#and that sucks and i hate it. theme of the year: sometimes life sucks and theres nothing u can do abt it #unrelated

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sirensea14 · 8 months ago

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Me with who

I trusted, Let you in

Let you see through my broken skin

Let you tell me, People would love me

Not get sick of me, Get rid of me

I know you rarely open your Tumblr from your browser but if ever you do so, well, sana matamaan ka.

#siren screams #personal rant #relatable memes #in sound mind #Song #rant post #Friend #Im slowly distancing myself from an irl friend #I couldnt help but develop some trust issues but maybe im just overreacting #I dunno #I will just.... rant #I feel like she really hates me even if she would say it as a joke sometimes #Telling me im so annoying everytime we see each other #And we're even classmates for this school year!#But im slowly distancing myself #I cant bring myself up to a happy mood whenever I need to face her #Like not looking onto her face #Of course i know everyone in the class noticed it eveb if they wont say anything about us #Cuz they know that me and this irl friend are inseparable and always buy in the canteen during recess #But now im alone #all all alone #I have two moots here thatre my classmates irl rn #If any of you two read this. Dont tell anyone #I just... ranted #Thats all #Damn fuck i want some sleep but i cant since i need to prepare for exams next week #Its 1 pm here btw #I rlly want some sleep to replenish my whole being #Ah no lemme rephrase that--i want eternal sleep #A sleep where no one can ever wake me from.

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songtwo · 10 months ago

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sometimes i’m like maybe i shouldn’t leave home just yet it’s quite nice here but then my mom starts treating me like i’m 16 and it’s clear i need to get out now

#the goal was always to be out by february though #like i’ve been living alone for 3 years now but it was really only for the semester id always come back home for vacations #but this time is different like it’s for real now……….#but it’s time….. ive basically finished college so there’s nothing really holding me back #and like im happy rn but i know i wont be if this is my life forever so i just gotta make all my plans happen

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gay-fordeath · 3 months ago

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#dont call anyone im safe im fine im just venting. tw for suicide/self harm/kind of intense language. ideally no ones reading this tho #bro i cant keep living like this #i dread waking up every day so much that i dread even falling asleep #i got insomnia medication in my system and my brain is still like nope absolutely not #i cant keep up at my job even when i am rested enough #i get headaches every other day #my instant mental reaction in the face of stress is to hurt myself (i have not)#like fuck. i work for the disability department of an insurance company #i know for a fact that (probably) every contract stipulates we wont cover disabilities as a result of self inflicted injuries #which is supposed to prevent ppl from taking advantage of the system or whatever #and im always like if someone goes to the lengths of actively injuring themselves to the point of disability #in the name of 'getting out of work'#that person is not 'taking advantage of the system' THAT PERSON IS FUCKING MENTALLY ILL #AND I WOULD KNOW BC I AM ONE OF THOSE PPL #do not come for me on some shit about wanting to disable yourself being morally questionable i cant be concerned abt that rn #i gotta focus on the fact that i hate my life so much id rather break my own right hand than continue it #its an improvement from the active suicidal ideation but its still a symptom of the passive ideation #fucking hell. im too self aware so i absolutely feel like im faking it or making shit up so i can be lazy and not work and whatever #but FUCKING CHRIST theres no way. if i had a choice i wouldnt let myself feel like this.#i just got to a point where i can live alone and support myself. i was so happy and so proud of myself. I don't want to lose that #but god every phone call i have to make for work makes me want to hurt myself. every early morning (and there arent many!!! i mostly work #from home!!!) makes me wish i was dead. i have to sleep for hours after work more often than not. i cant really maintain my living space #theres fucking. mold and discoloration and shit on a bunch of my clothes and some of my bags and shit!!#cause i cant fucking keep my room clean and my basement apartment got fucking humid over the summer and so much moisture got trapped #i constantly have dirty dishes getting moldy before i get to them #i just dont have the fucking energy. i want to take better care of my space. i want to be more social. i just want to go to sleep without #fucking dreading waking up. i wanna go a full week without a headache. i want my stress response to be something other than the intense and #overwhelming desire to cut myself. if i start again i dont know if ill be able to stop and i know i wont be able to keep it to my arms/legs/#easily hidden parts of my body. last breakdown i escalated to my face and i know ill pick up from there.#fuck

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girl-bateman · 5 months ago

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No positive notes for today. I think my left eye got fucked up from crying too much bc it's bleeding. Tomorrow I vow to shower.

#ive made my sister mad at me somehow #and ive made my mom mad at me by having an attitude #(i think im turing resentful of my childhood neglect bc i fear what might have happened because of it)#so this house feels like the most suffocating prison #and my body feels like a prison and my mind and my heart and my soul.. etc etc. you get it #i keep thinking. what if i run away ! somewhere where i can be happy again !#but then i remember i cant run from it. i can never escape. i can never undo a single thing. i can never prevent what has already been done #and then i cry again and again and again #and then i get a headache bc i have to hold my breath so that no one will hear me cry #and then ill cry some more bc a sick and pathetic part of me actually wants to be heard and comforted #idk. every time i think its getting better it gets worse all over again #rn im just spending my days wishing i was asleep #since the nightmares still haven't come back being asleep is much nicer than being awake #ig something else positive is that i havent relapsed or engaged in anything more destructive than some self isolation #so.. yay for that idk.#i know it'll get better if i wait it out but i also know it wont be fixed #and i am just so tired of feeling crazy and broken all the time #god this all sounds like a 13 year olds note app emo poetry lol

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lupismaris · 7 months ago

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#i know that when joining a community you have to learning to put up with people who dont suit you. who you dont vibe with #but i feel like theres a distinct difference in not vibing with and putting up with bullies and those who wield their #insecurities and traumas like weapons against everyone around them. policing everyone and every space they enter with them.#like yeah its valid to be uncomfortable at times and be triggered at times but how you handle it is key.#im triggered every time im surrounded by the teams' drunken bullshit but i find ways to cope.#im triggered by the dickhead whos just like my ex-friend of 20+ years but i dont force the coach to kick them out to keep me happy #like. if its gonna be this safe space you're preaching you need to not be the key element of why it isnt safe. just thoughts.#ignore me im just getting very tired of the squad I'm on in rugby rn and considering bailing for the rfc even though i dont jive with #the coach and cant physically keep up with any of them and wont get any playing time #so on that side id be horribly depressed and ignored but socially i think id be happier because this mean girls shit. im done.#if we cannot stamp it out before the end of the season then im bailing for fall cause im not putting up with these fucks #its only a handful of ppl who police and act like the chronically online therapy speak dickheads who havent actually grown up #but theyre very loud about it and im. its not why I joined.

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dreamsb0u · 1 year ago

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I'm gonna be honest, I really haven't been doing well recently and I know it's probably been pretty obvious but I just felt like I should say something. I don't think I'll be super active for a few weeks

#taking a little break #vent ish #thats not to say im gonna be completely gone i'll be around liking people's stuff and commenting and replying and stuff #i probably just wont be posting #this isnt really anyone's fault its a mixture of stuff online and offline that have taken up a lot of my energy to deal with #i have trouble pacing myself and i like to smash out things all at once and feeling the consequences after #i just need a little bit of time to unwind yk #im still happy to talk to people!#just not about anything that makes me stressed i'll back out if i feel like i'm being pressured #i think its burnout? i dont know.#just dont expect much from me rn #is this a hiatus?#i think so #its loud in my head

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faaun · 2 years ago

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i feel conflicted abt my relationship...need advice etc . in tags . pls i need input sm

#i love my gf a lot and i think our relationship is doing rly good rn . i miss her a lot bc im in a diff country to her but ill see her #in a few weeks etc. anyway things are good....HOWERVER. i am worried abt . our future #like u are supposed to live in the moment and have fun and be young etc etc but this is like..the fact that its going well #is making me consider how our life paths would go tgth and if it would be fair to stay in a relationship u know wont work forever. like #this was one of the reasons why i felt hesitant at first etc. basically i swore to myself i would only date an academic or at least someone #who like. has. A Thing. that they are working towards that they are rly rly passionate abt. bc i thought it just wouldnt work out otherwise #and it seemed after a while of talking that she IS like that...shes applying for a graphic design degree and she seems to genuinely #love art etc so much and also she is amazing at it. HOWRVER...she hasnt drawn in a while #and is working a min wage job despite meaning to quit for ages...and as far as im aware #she still hasnt made a portfolio...etc etc. but im so confused bc like...shes great and ik she can do it i just dont #understand why she wont. she could also get an internship etc in the relevant field but i still dont get it...and its not my place to be #pushy abt it. like i already suggested these things and asked abt them but i dont want to ask any more bc like. its her choice #what she does w her life etc. but anyway its like...am i being pessimistic/impatient and everything is gonna #go well for her or do i hold genuine concerns. and if the latter/both potentially...is it unfair to be like #hey babe ik things are amazing rn but we have to reevaluate bc idk if in 10 yrs i would be happy w where we are #my friend was like. Break Up W Her from the beginning bc he thinks u shouldn't get into a relationship w smn whom you think will not also #elevate u in some way..and ur life paths dont align etc...but he is genuinely married to his academics like hes sworn off #love so i didnt rly listen bc hes rly extreme w his. love gets in the way of academics. etc #but also his point was valid i think? that you want the person u spend ur life w to elevate you. u want them to challenge you and make you #want to work harder and be better and achieve more and more...and i do want that and i have been trying to be that for them #but A) i can only be that to a reasonable extent for them before it starts being like nagging/being pushy and #B) i feel like if they end up going the way they are rn they can never be that for me. is that bad #like am i a horrible person for thinking this way. obviously i am not casting a moral judgement on her or anyone #for whatever path in life they choose to go down but also is it like...Silly to give up on a perfectly good #relationship bc ur like. as it stands i do not see you walking alongside me in 10 yrs etc #like im lich rally 20 . but what if it DOES end up going rly well and it DOES end up being thr case that we end up staying together #and then im like. feeling discouraged bc my partner in life is just not the kind of person i imagined being w when i was 19 or 20...#like in terms of careers etc. more importantly is this a discussion i should have w her . bc i literally do not know how to raise this #without sounding like a dick but is that bc i...am being a dick? is this a bad thing ?? is this thought not that of a good person ?#it sounds so WEIRD to be like hey babe either u have to start being more ambitious and insane abt ur art or i might break up w you. like :/

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tinylittlebab · 2 years ago

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2/10/23

goal: 1000 / total: 821 / extra burned: 100 / net: 720 / weight: 94.5

disappointed in this. wouldve been less but i kinda blanked while eating goldfish and forgot to count them out bc i was too busy sorting them. oops. well its not that bad. i didnt end up getting to do my usual stuff so the day was very hard. i had planned to wait to eat till later or not at all but around 8pm i started feeling very ill and shakey so i decided to eat. unfortunate but whatever.

mad at myself for being hungry this morning since i had over 800 yesterday. my body is so pathetic. i fed it so much yesterday but even still.

#ugh. 821 thats so much i feel so bad #i know that ill still definitely lose weight if im eating that much daily but i feel pathetic for not going lower even when i wasnt #exercising. the main reason im able to maintain 97 and still eat 2000 a day is bc i exercise so much every day #my sedentary tdee is 1400 and i burn so much extra every day so it works out. i guess im lucky that my main coping mechanism that i use to #feel regulated and also happy (basically a hobby tbh) involves exercising. idk daydreams are more vivid when i skip around #makes me forget my body exists. and i do it so much that i burn a whole lot of calories #ugh. my body hurts rn. i should eat but idk what. should i go higher now and lower later or vice versa #im allowing myself to be ok with higher numbers today. nothing above 1100 but above 800 is ok #think its kinda silly that i always SAY my limit is 1000 but its actually not. but if i set my limit to anything less than im actually more #likely to meet it or go over. i more frequently get totals of 500 with this limit. i tell myself i can have a bigger meal later and then it #comes to bedtime and instead of eating i just go to bed. qhen its a lower amount i know i wont be able to eat anything larger so i am #doing way more counting of cals on everything to figure out what to eat later and it messes me up #and eating over 800 2 times a week isnt so bad. ill still lose weight. i feel bad tho. like im not disordered enough #but 800 is still a very small amount

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bugsmoocher · 1 year ago

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