#and its just fucking with me deeply and im trying not to think about it and failing
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Visit Tumblr Blog
Explore Tumblr blogs with no restrictions, modern design and the best experience.
Last Seen Tumblr Blogs
Fun Fact
69% of Tumblr users are millennials.
Text
mmmmmm read a disciple shen yuan/shizun luo binghe fanfic about two days ago where the first chapter was the Immortal Conference arc, and SQQ was the one who had to be pushed into the abyss (he was still the villain) except Luo Binghe was refusing and was like, lowkey losing his mind about SQQ being so close to the edge. SQQ ended up having to be the one to fall in himself because of the system's punishment system. The rest of the fic is leading up to that moment. But like, MMM i've been obsessively thinking about that first chapter for DAYS ever since.
now i've been in svsss for a grand total of *checks watch* a week. but god obsessed with that. I want to write/read a fic where disciple SQQ goes a little nuts down there. Like keep all of the things that make SQQ, SQQ, but just. Throw in a little bit more trauma in there. A little bit of a mental break. Let him go a little nuts as a treat. Just a tad unhinged. I wanna see him go, just a little, "god fuck it, i've tried so hard to change this shitty story's outcome and it feels like everything i've done has been for nothing. I'm going to die in this world no matter what I do, I've been doomed from the start, so might as well die the way I want to." and he just, breaks a little! Under all the stress.
He still retains the traits that makes shen yuan, shen yuan, like his overwhelming kindness. But he's just! yk. A little less patient. Paranoid. Jumpy. Colder. A little more aloof and closed off. A little more Shen Jiu. He's no asshole child abuser, but he was a Number One Hater in his past life and he's leaning into that old habit a little more now.
(On a totally coincidental not-at-all related note, there's not enough SJ-and-SY-are-the-same-people fics out there that i've found. This is totally unrelated...)
The Endless Abyss turns the mind into an over-sharpened blade, and SQQ is both fascinated and perhaps a little excited to explore a place that doesn't have a lot of info on it in the mortal realm, but still terrified out of his mind. And he's no Luo Binghe, he doesn't have the sheer brute strength and power to just bulldoze his way through, so he has to be a lot more sneaky and cunning if he wants to survive.
The fic itself role-swapped LBH and SQQ so that SQQ was the half-demon (which lowkey fucks) and LBH the human, but I'm equally-if-not-more obsessed with the idea that LBH remains the half-heavenly demon and SQQ the human. If only because I keep thinking about SQQ befriending some demons (particularly and specifically a group of succubi) and they grow very attached to this Human Cultivator so through magic plot stuff they create some kind of seal/illusion/talisman that makes SQQ appear as a demon because a human cultivator in the endless abyss may as well be the equivalent of putting a giant neon target on your back.
And iirc Shen Jiu was taught demonic cultivation by that one guy(?? i've only been here a week so im not caught up in ALL of the lore yet) so that could totally happen here.
(On the other end of the realms, poor Shizun Luo Binghe is just. losing his fucking mind over losing his most precious and beloved disciple. About .5 seconds from burning down the peaks himself. somebody sedate him.)
The Endless Abyss sucks and SQQ is having a really terrible time and can feel himself going lowkey mad, but also holy shit look at all this WORLD-BUILDING. look at all this flora and fauna, and oh if he had the equipment for it he'd be writing all of this down. ALL OF IT. He was kinda-sorta-already planning on never leaving the Abyss as some sort of fucked up self-exile and self-preservation thing, but now he might? actually just?? never leave if he can help it, like he lowkey likes it down here.
anyways the next time anyone ever sees SQQ again he's got hair so long its almost touching the ground and he's either in rags and half-feral or he's been completely dolled up by his adoptive succubi sisters and still about three seconds from biting anyone who tries to touch him. (he's also lowkey trying to book it back down to the abyss even if he has desperately missed all of his friends and shizun)
#mxtx svsss#svsss au#scum villian self saving system#shen qingqiu#shen yuan#luo binghe#disciple shen yuan#scum villain#svsss#*points at SQQ/SY* i want him to go nuts. as a treat. let him crumble just a little over the stress of his fate and the stress of survival#and the stress of having a lack of autonomy over a handful of his decisions. starry craves angst and she craves a very specific SQQ angst#he was a number 1 hater back in the day and lbr being a hater takes energyyyy. ive heard that this man was the BIGGEST hater i wanna#see him rip a man to shreds with nothing but his tongue and a voice that could cut marble clean in half. skin a man alive sqq you deserve i#*mortal kombat voice* FINISH HIM#i love without-a-cure but unfortunately i dont think SQQ would be able to have WAC and also survive in the abyss.#the succubi nest that adopted him tried seducing him at first. it didn't work. but he did somehow charm them with his cringefail ways#so now they have a brand new mortal big/little brother to dote on. SQQ is frankly delighted to learn all about succubi culture that doesnt#revolve around sex. he makes quite a few friends/allies in the abyss because of his pure fascination and unbiased desire to learn about#demonic culture and all the different niches and nuances of it across species. he's still going insane tho. like that's not stopping.#there's a single LBH pov chapter in the fic and its frankly so unhinged it was fantastic. he's so possessive. he straight up goes:#'oh SQQ isnt gonna be the next peak lord. he's ascending to heaven with me when i do :)' when Sha Hualing (also peak lord) told him that he#couldn't keep his disciple in the bamboo house all the time. what was SQQ gonna do when LBH ascends and he becomes the new peak lord?#gosh that first chapter is rotating around in my mind so bad. LBH was SO unwell. like losing his actual shit over SQQ near the edge.#i so want to write a oneshot abt this where SQQ is also in hysterics (albeit over slightly diff reasons) and tells LBH on his knees:#'this disciple deeply apologizes to his shizun. for he will not be ascending to the heavens with him.' right before he falls into the abyss#this au being disciple SY is for shits and giggles but i can also see it happening for regular SQQ bc 'fuck it im a dead man either way'#frothing at the mouth at this idea also being a SY-is-SJ au too. for the extra angst of SQQ trying to bear the weight of multiple lives on#his shoulders and trying to figure out what is real and what isn't and if he's meant to suffer in all of his lives no matter what he does.#not once in his life has he ever been free to do what he likes has he? self-hatred to the max. he's going mad. poor boy :]
267 notes
·
View notes
Text
kon sweetie im so fucking sorry that someone would even say something stupid like that oh my god.
#rimi talks#paraphrasing the beyonce gif bc i dont remember exactly how it goes but.#sometimes people follow me and i really genuinely don't know why at all because their blog header and desc make it extremely clear#that they are someone i want on my block list PRONTO. like. what are you doing. why are you coming into my house#have i not made it clear enough that i hate that shit. why are you trying to follow me. get OUT of my activity page block button SAVE MEEE#PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY READ COMICS AND ARENT STUPID SAVEEE MEEEEEEEE#anyway i apparently have not been clear enough about my opinions so let me speak my truth.#i think jason todd is really fucking annoying. i don't like 99% of fan content about him and i don't like 99% of his fans.#i think that jay // tim is a dumb ship and i think that jay // kon is an even worse one and i think jay// tim// kon// sucks SHIT#i also think that you should simply read comics before you start posting about the characters from said comics.#like i recognize that i cant stop anyone from posting bad opinions but i would love to not see them <3#anyway im chasing people out with a broom. OUT OF MY HOUSE. OUT. OUT#IM A COMICS BLOGGER. NOT A ''BAD TELEPHONE GAME ABOUT SOMETHING SOMEONE HEARD ABOUT A COMIC ONCE'' BLOGGER#OUT OF MY HOUSE ! ! ! !! ! ! !!#merry shitscram. now scram your shit and go. is this anything#<- i have to make bad jokes or ill die. you understand.#and like tbc this was just case of ''blog desc header and top posts were all really fucking annoying''#and not ''something actively harmful or evil'' like its fine its just Extremely deeply not my cup of tea yk#but i do also have to be dramatic about reading words in an order that i really hated sometimes. or i will also die.#anyways. take my hand. read superman (1987) 155
40 notes
·
View notes
Text
i miss stupid rafaela
#why is exam season always missing the worst people alive who probably havent thought of me in months hours#and i have been banned from texting her but i want to scream so i will do what she'd caricature of me and be immature#and scream about it here#you were supposed to be my sister i genuinely loved you like one what is wrong with you why do i still love you deep down#whatever.#btw i've known about your new blog since basically the day after you made it. im just choosing to try to have some self respect for once in#my life and not contact you because you dont want me to#i guess a part of me will always love you. because i take sisterhood seriously and cant just unlearn that i saw you that way#even if ive mostly moved on#the relapses still fucking suck#but yeah. that part will always hope we can reconnect some day. i know its pathetic but i guess that's me#when i tell someone i will always love them i mean it with my whole heart. ik if you asked id forgive you in a heartbeat#but i also kind of hate you now. and i dont think about you most days. but every so often the universe will remind me of how deeply i loved#you and that sucks#you're pretty much the grudge by olivia rodrigo to me#not the first person i associate with that song but it does describe how i feel about you a little too well#rafaela 🎶#blatantposting
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#everything is wretched rn#i feel so unbearably lonely atm.#the more i get to know the 17-19 years old i work with the more i deeply dislike them and their values.#i can't even think about the state of the world without falling into crippling despair and existential dread#but at least i have my little story i'm trying to write#and its literally the only thing i'm clinging onto rn bc i feel like im going insane#and idk if my anxiety is just about the world in general rn#or if i actually do hate my new job/the people there....#or if im just tired or what#but everything is bad#everything is so fucking bad. on top of it my sleep has been so awful lately.#and its dark at 4pm#about moi#ignore me im having an existential crisis
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
Learning against my will about ozempic and actually got a little pissed off when the lady describing it said once you take it youre basically on it forever to maintain results. Like i wonder where all the "concerned" people that have been fearmongering about hormones for years are now. Why are we not concerned about the potential side effects of lifelong use of these specific drugs, or is it fine because theres an outcome society considers favorable
#Genuinely irked me that all of the reactionaries and tphobes and self described feminists have been medically abusing trans ppl#But the second theres a drug being passed around like candy marketed especially toward insecure women its crickets#Like ohhh so you guys werent actually worried about 'side effects' or 'being a lifelong patient' if that werent already obvious#Blows my mind that i have to entertain these peoples nonsense on a legal level threatening my access to healthcare#emf#And before anything else: I am a firm believer in informed consent and tailoring your body to how you want it to look in any way#However i think the same arguments to dissuade trans people can be thrown back tenfold at literally any other surgery or form of care#Especially those in reference to 'social pressure' and 'social contagion' like lol#Also btw ''lifelong patient'' shit is a deeply fucked up and evil mindset that discourages people who need meds from getting them#Im just focused on that argument specifically because ltierally everyone in my life used it to try and tell me i shouldnt transition
16 notes
·
View notes
Text
hi. for people who saw gatsby: an american myth. do you remember mckee asking nick for lunch. and then gatsby in like the next scene inviting nick for lunch. because i remember.
#not pjo#chitter chatter#when gatsby was like 'we should do lunch' i was like. hello. fucking. hello. are we. hello.#gatsby really said we just met literally 5 minutes ago. come meet my father figure. normal normal thing to do jay.#to be clear gatsby also asks him to go to lunch in the book. but like. there's a time skip. and also#in the show after mckee asks they immediately start making out on the couch. none of this ... nonsense#so the vibes are a LITTLE different in my brain.#i saw a few people say they didnt think gatsby and nick flirted enough and like while i do think that think part of it is we're#in nick's pov but not his HEAD#he DOES start singing about gatsby's smile for no reason until jordon is like. alright buddy. lets talk about daisy.#like nick was just Doing That. pull it together carraway.#but i got the vibe (JUST my take) that gatsby was like. kinda into nick. zero reason to be leaning into his space like that sir.#however when he actually MET daisy again he became kinda singularly focused on her again#i mean he built his whole lifeup to this moment#he says it at the end. he murdered pieces of himself to bring himself here. for DAISY.#him snapping back to daisy mode makes sense to me but he still reaches out for nick as a comfort in the sense that hes like#nick do NOT leave please stay with us. daisy does the same. and ofc part is that theyre really. fucking awkward. but like.#LET ME HAVE MY OWN NONSENSE INTERPRETATIONS. HES TRAPPED BY WHITENESS AND CLASS AND HETEROSEXUALITY.#hes already so much of an outsider trying to fit in. (i also think he loves daisy or an ideal at least. and she's EASIER to love. safer.)#nick inherently has more freedom even as a gay man in the sense that hes richer and white and an ivy league dude i mean you understand righ#right????????#even if its in the book i do wanna point out the parallels between those moments. im choosing to see it as deeply intentional <3#this show had a lot of repetition and parallels (see daisy and myrtle in a lot of songs and scenes)#(one i LOVE is tom giving myrtle a necklace and daisy later giving TOM her necklace in case he sees anyone he knows. idk love that shit)#im...gonna queue this#im embarrassed to talk about this show so much. so. into the queue it goes!!!#all the worlds a stage#so like. anyway. thats where i think nick's mind immediately went when gastsby asked him for lunch. personal headcanon <3#gatsby after one convo: we're doing lunch // me and nick immediately: oh ok! guess that's a date then!
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
i have nooo idea when this change happened but Spotify has like...fucked up the way playlist work? so if you add an entire album(s) to a playlist and then sort by album- the albums themselves are still arranged amongst each other correctly, but the songs themselves are sorted in alphabetical order by artist. which may not really be a problem most of the time BUT my musical theater playlist? that I liked to have sorted by albums in alphabetical order is now ruined because all the songs are out of order if they list individual actors in the credits and not just "Cast of XYZ"
#char.txt#im trying not to flip about it but its really fucking up my mood right now as ive actually been listening to it#and yea i could just go to the actual album yes but I like listening to the playlist and sometimes I dont have actually all the songs added#and it just makes it impossible for me to find songs because ive always just known where the song i want is inrelation to the others#and its just fucking with me deeply and im trying not to think about it and failing
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
reeeeeeally wish. it didnt feel. like the needs of my body vs the needs of my brain were actively in fucking conflict with each other in a way that makes it impossible to function or exist
#toy txt post#chronic pain#just. really frustrated. cant see a way out or through or over or whatever here yall#augh#and dad wants me to. do what i was doing before that made everything worse somehow as a method to get my foot in the door and fucking#network???? to do?????? unclear. until i get what. middle management?#how the fuck would that help anything#meanwhile i am trying to muster the executive function to complete. the catpans#ouaghghahghhgghg#it is so hard to be gentle with myself about this bc it doesnt feel like i deserve gentleness for it! like i have worked so hard to try to#unlearn the ableism and shit but that doesnt really fucking help much if both my parents just keep that shit so deeply baked into their#worldview that they interpret me trying to treat myself a little gentler as being a lazy freeloader or whatever#like im really trying not to be too harsh on myself about this but for what? at least if im mean to me about it i have ground to stand on#in calling their meanness unjust and unnecessary cos dont worry!!!!!!!!! i can reproduce the entire fucking ableism cycle inside my own#head and self flagellate for not being able ti push through it like you guys did so you dont have to! in fact i am so good at it that it#makes it an impossible topic to address! bc i just speedrun everything into thinking of myself as worthless so you dont have to! see im not#a total laze/s#god. i hate this so much so fucking much. aaaaagh. there are a number of things i CAN do and unfortunately none of them seem to be#the necessary administrative faff of it all#oausbdjsfusbfhshhrrrgrhrhgggg#trying to organize notes of talking points to unpack this a little in therapy this week but its only the second appt. so like. she wanted#to go through a bit of a questionnaire? idkkkk
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
ok i am actually so very angry and there's literally nothing i can do to fix it. life keeps going on. she might even be happy. and fuck dude, i'll make sure im happy too, i was a fully developed person before she was in my life and i'll continue to be one without her. but God Damn, the fact that she can just do something so blatantly awful and unfair to me and then run off without any actual repercussions is just so fucking rankling to me.
like perhaps she feels guilty. she said she did when it was all going down. but it was just something she "needed to do". so obviously she didn't feel guilty enough or she wouldnt have done it like that lmaoooo
i really did deserve to have a good solid yell at her. but unfortunately, by the time i did see her in person i just wanted her out of my fucking life. so. no yelling was done, unfortunately.
#speculation nation#the duality of being a deeply resentful and angry person. and being a person that Tries to be mature and peaceful.#like im not gonna actually Do shit even tho i keep wanting to message her just to yell at her some more again#it's like there's a beast in me that keeps yelling for retribution. she wronged me in such a disrespectful and humiliating way#and yet she just gets to walk away like it was nothing? live her life like it was nothing?#be in 'love' with her new 'soulmate' after cutting me off like a rotten limb?#i feel so DEEPLY angry. i want to spit vitriol and fire. i want to dig my claws into her bones. make her really FEEL how i feel.#i want to wander into her dreams and make her experience what i felt. every miserable second of silence.#the humiliation of admitting you might be falling in love only to be told you were never loved at all.#and i want to knee her in the gut and spit in her face and really make her regret ever fucking wronging me#but unfortunately im a stupid fucking pacifist so all the aggression and anger and violence has no FUCKING outlet#ive been. trying to not think about it too much. ive been trying to just live my life. because i dont want her to run my life.#but the anger keeps catching up to me. filtering in when i dont expect it. endless constant fucking thoughts coming back to me#on and on and on and on i live and i eat and i read and i game and i hate and i hate and i hate and i hate and i hate and i HATE AND I HATE#the greatest injustice is that i cannot make her truly feel every single ounce of my resentment and anger#it's so overwhelming i think i could choke on it. and she gets to live her FUCKING happy little life with her stupid fucking 'soulmate'#i hope it collapses around her and she loses her too so she's single and alone and miserable and regretting all of her fucking impulsivenes#she deserves to have it fail after what she did to me. and all i can really do is hope that karma has its fucking kiss for her.#if only curses were real. what i wouldnt give to put some energy into that karmic payback lmfao.#ok . ok ok ok ok love and peace on planet earth. i am shifting out of vitriolic little shit mode.#just had to let some of the steam out. im still angry but i am going to go back to not thinking about it.#i think i should go on a nice long bike ride tomorrow. to decompress and work some of the steam out.#it's something that she can never take from me. something that is so wholly mine. fuck that stupid bitch and fuck her new girlfriend too#...............................ok NOW im shifting out of vitriolic mode. lol#negative/#WAHOOOOOO i am certainly not taking this breakup well. but i dont think anyone would be lmfao.#all things considered i think im doing a pretty great job at handling this breakup.#bc at least im only recounting unrealistic threats and fantasies on my tumblr dot com instead of messaging Any of this to her.#i may kinda want her to read it so that she knows anyways. but i wont message her directly. bc i am Trying to be at least a little mature.#complaining on my tumblr dot com so i dont message my ex with more vitriol. gotta cope Somehow.
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
i love complexity. except of course if it's about me . hope that helps
#transmission#what i mean is i love acknowleging nuance and intricacies but i hate when i cant neatly compartmentalise myself#i want to know WHY im xyz! a distinct reason! and etc#i was thinking deeply the past few days on why i suddenly got so mad bc i do Not usually talk that way publicly#bc i dont want to be hypocritical in that. i purposefully usually speak in a way where i make myself overly clear and#try to avoid making people feel ashamed in any way. because i KNOW how it feels right#but digging further i think its like. its a rage inducing cycle of mockery in the infinite fandom. the normies make fun of the weirdos#and the weirdos make fun of the normies because hey fuck you too. and ppl who enjoy infinite casually arent inherently wrong#but when they fill the tags with complsints and criticisms on a source material they havent delved into much#it irritates a lot of the people who HAVE because while an opinion is fine critiquing something seriously does mean understanding it#on a bit deeper of a level i think?#and thats what always got me personally#but we just have this system of you suck youre wrong and i think its also because infinite has taken so much shit that#we are VERY protective and defensive. like yeah if people spend years ripping into the thing that you like that happens#idk in just pondering. the ponderer...#i like to analyse not just fiction but how ppls brains work in general and irl stuff#mostly personal dissection bc im obsessive about myself. not in a fun way but more an endless interrogation and rumination way#the disorder fr#not wanting to hurt ppl and make them feel judged bc you know what its like vs carthasis of dunking on ppl who dunk on you#thats what i think it is for me#one of the reasons i wasnt posting for a long time was caring too much abt other people so if im getting the itch again#im gonna keep an eye on it#anyway
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
<3
#before its not boston2's birthday anymore i have to make a sentimental little post about her. because i love her. so here goes.#that day actually kind of changed my life a little bit.#i had been very deeply unwell for years and i think that was the day that a little switch flipped in me and the ice began to melt#and i started to be okay.#i dont think i had ever experienced that type of sheer joy and elation and relief and catharsis and it just sortof sent a shock to my system#like. this is real! you are real! you are alive!#you are capable of feeling and existing and being so do it! go. exist. be. live. breathe. and god did i fucking try#and i cant say it was suddenly easy after that. of course not. it is still not quite easy now. but its gotten better. little by little#i started doing things more. i started seeing myself more as human.#and things sort of snowballed and now i feel like im on the cusp of something. i dont know what.#the cusp of living. the cusp of being alive. the cusp of being human.#its the same but different. i was so very dead and just barely teetering into not dead and now im not dead and teetering into alive. i think#i am not substantially different than i was a year ago. not on paper. but i have hope now. i have a little sliver of something.#i have clawed at the wall long enough to dig a hole and goddamn it im climbing through it if it kills me.#boston2 was a catalyst for me. a celebration. an invitation. an apology. a love letter. a hug. a kiss. it was my permission to be okay.#and maybe i am. maybe i will be.#i love you boston2. thank you for everything. i will exist. i will live. i will breathe. and my first breath will be for you.
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
it’s running concurrent to my headcanon that. well. the universe is so lacking in constants for the doctor, and if it’s after he’s experienced the loss of a companion, he’s not going to go have tea with someone else he once travelled with and had to leave behind.
it just makes sense to me, that he’d go seek out the master. especially if he’s barely restraining himself from making bad choices about breaking fixed points in time and causing paradoxes. and he’s right there, playing harold saxon for the world to see, and he’s right. there. the doctor can just go and see him whenever he wants.
#im talking around this being the result of amy and rory dying alsjdkfjks but yeah. yeah that would push him to this.#the master is. its complicated. but he’s someone the doctor can rely on to be. to be the master. which is to say: awful. and familiar.#and the master is someone he can hurt. someone who it feels safe to hurt because that’s what they do.#it makes sense to me that he’d go looking for him just to be the biggest nuisance he can be.#barely upright sitting on the master’s desk. he has to choose to be drunk and oh boy is he choosing.#insulting everything he can think of from the master’s world domination plans to his terrible generic office decor.#breaks down into a giggle fit about the master being blonde (which he keeps trying to explain and failing to and that just leaves the master#annoyed and confused.)#and the thing is is like. this is Extremely concerning behavior from the guy you’ve basically chosen to revolve your life around opposing#and fucking with. i dont think the master would comfort him. especially if he knew the doctor was this broken up about human companions.#but i also dont think he would kick the doctor out.#talk with him under the excuse of gettingn foreknowledhe to change his plans and secure his victory (which he doesn’t end up doing. come on.#and attribute his victory to the doctor’s own help? however inadvertent? humiliating.)#eleven is equal parts angry and morose and clearly trying to bounce away from feeling both of those too deeply by going back to telling the#master that his dye job was shit (again. not something that makes any sense yet. but give it a year and a public restroom and the master#will be cursing him under his breath.)#weird little guys. weird bonding for them. i think the doctor should pass out in the masters office and the master puts him back in his#tardis and programs it to fly him somewhere far far away in time and space.#saying good riddance to himself. he could have made it fly into the sun or something. (or tried. doubt the tardis would let him.)#but he didnt.#anyway give it amonth or teo and im sure twelve and thirteen also have traumatic expeirence that could lead to them commandeering the#master’s office again. a man just wants to take over the world and his office is filled with drunk sad doctors. and now they’re also sad#because of future hims. really. its a mess.
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
hold on everyone shut up im getting super emotional about jonathan sims
#tma#kara stop blogging#thinking about the web. thinking about how it was his first mark#and how that mark how that unaddressed trauma so deeply affected him.#and how befitting that is for the web too- to tie someone up its strands for YEARS#thinkin about how almost every single decision that man makes is made out of fear#that motherfucker has never felt safe in his god damn life you can tell and im EMOTIONAL ABOUT IT#thinking about how so much of his fear response is CONTROL because of it. His ridiculous skepticism was him trying to control it#if he denies it if he refuses to believe in it it cant hurt him#about his paranoia and desperation for knowledge is so rooted in that fear of losing control#about his entire s4 arc and grappling with becoming inhuman. about not feeling like he has any kind of personal autonomy#and how so often thats written off as him making excuses (and dont get me wrong- he makes excuses too. im not saying he doesnt) but also-#like you look at what happened with his first leitner and its like. he couldnt move. couldnt do anything to escape#and then when the other boy got taken he couldnt do anything to save him either#of course he feels like hes never had any control#of course hes desperate for knowledge- if he had only *known* what couldve happened then he couldve prevented it.#the survivors guilt is so deeply part of his character#and thats what makes jonah targeting him so fucking insidious and scary#he took his man who is already so terrified- put him in a situation where he was so out of his depth#knowing that his fear response would be to desperately try and figure out what was happening- to keep asking questions--#pulling himself deeper into the eyes influence and easily turning it around and making it Jon's fault#as if Jon isn't trapped like everyone else- it's just his fear response is so fucking perfect for the role the eye needs him to play#and then it leads to the ultimate trauma of ripping control away from Jon and forcing him to do something so fucking horrible#something he would never in a million years CHOOSE TO DO#how he's so terrified of being made a pawn and he is. playing a game against elias where he couldn't even see the board#locking him out of his own body...forcing him to open the door. like. FUCK#I MEAN FUCK DUDE. PETER LITERALLY SAYS “HE GOT YOU” WHEN JON ASKED WHAT HIS 'PRIZE' WAS#LIKE SCRATCH THAT!!! FUCKING SCRATCH THAT!! he wasn't even a player he was a fucking PIECE in the game#GOD!!!#GOD!!!! free my boy he did nothing wrong (he did so many things wrong)
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
Posts about bpd need to stop being so damn relatable to me 🤨
#listen im not saying i must have bpd cuz of a bunch of relatable tumblr posts dont clutch your pearls on me#but hm im starting to get suspicious ajsjk#just been spending these past few months really digging into my deeply repressed memories and emotions and i keep discovering more and more#fucked up shit lol like first its being forced to acknowledge that i have a bit more than some ‘minor trauma’#and that ive actually just been like horribly abused like. my entire life and still am 😟#then it was like really trying to think about myself and what ive done to cope with abuse and like ive constructed an entire person#to just live as whenever im in the abusive situations and when i was removed from the situation for the first time ever#i had like a huge crash a huge crisis i both functioned way better than everyone said i would like suspiciously better#but also way worse at the same time#i could handle all the responsibilities of living alone i never once felt scared or homesick i was clean i was efficient i used money wisely#but i also felt like i was dying and i couldnt function when my persona dropped#cuz i didnt need to be that person anymore i could finally be me but then like. who even is me ive never gotten to find out#i dont know basic ways to behave i still have no clue how to exist or what i truly want vs what i pretended to want#its all completely muddled and its hard to explain that i cant tell whats genuine with me and whats fake#cuz ive been forced to live the fake shit my entire life you know? ive had to and i had to accept it#ive never gotten to make any of my own actual decisions and at the same time i have to decide everything for everyone else#im the parent of my parents but never was the child and the child is still there asking for attention but no one is there#then you know i had to return to the abuse and so its like i did get to taste freedom but not for long and i spent all my time in that#crisis mode so it wasnt exactly a fun filled time but being back here is much worse than before cuz now i know whats happening#and how i have to perform and its like how do i discover anything about myself in this kinda environment and no one understands the turmoil#the reason why something simple like wearing different shoes is so impossible for me#its just a horrible environment to be in i am in hell constantly ive no clue whats happening and im very obsessive over everything#aaaaghhhhhhh help girl help lol
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
i did overall really enjoy elden ring… in hindsight though, i think the reason i didn’t get as into it was because as i played i couldn’t help but feel that it had a problem with cohesion. there’s so many beautiful areas and different stories and mechanics and themes and symbols, but at least while i was playing i felt like it was just too Much. there was a lot of breadth, but at the expense of depth. i don’t know if this is a general critique or maybe just a matter of it not being my cup of tea — i just feel that the story and game mechanics are pulled in so many different directions that it just doesn’t all work together in the end. there was a lack of cohesion, something i think open-world games run the risk of already. but where games like skyrim and breath of the wild succeeded by having a consistent throughline, i felt it was missing in elden ring. the game was absolutely stunningly gorgeous! i just wish there had been a bit more tying it all together.
i’d love to know more about other people’s experiences though!!!
#it kinda felt like everyone was just fucked off doing their own thing#one of the best pair of areas though in my opinion are caelid and the haligtree#because theyre so deeply connected to the relationships and interactions between characters#even volcano manor got that benefit!!!#but so many other places im just like ok but why#why is that whole town in liurnia sunk. just for funsies. we r not telling <3#i even think of other fromsoft games like bloodborne. u ask me what bloodborne is about in 3 words im gonna say werewolf eldrich horror#but elden ring didnt feel like it had that cohesion for me#like its trying to be About so much that it kinda fails to be about anything at all#also so many enormously important plot points are just so fucking easily missable dont @ me i was here for when they didnt even#give you npc markers 😭😭😭#i really unironically think the game would have benefitted so much more if there were more sections where you could coop with npcs#dont Tell me millicent is on a journey. Show Me. let me go with her#let me runn around with blaidd in nokstella#getting to do that with mini ranni was so FUCKING fun lol and it gave ranni SO MUCH more character#but like …. the other characters feel so flat in comparison idk#this is a whole other post tho lol#elden ring
16 notes
·
View notes
Text
(song added by me)
#i am so Unwell rn what the fuck.#/pos So Fucking /pos#so the art ask was from u as well....elijah ur so secretive and suave this is Too Much for a girl to handle#willelmax in the arcade and byler valentine cards ur too sweet to me i actually cant Take This :')#you're right our friendship IS on another level esp now because i've never felt So Connected to someone its insane#im a little surprised but it makes sense that its you yk#like you're so naturally sweet and kind and amazing at ur core so OFC it was u#and good job i can never listen to (you) on my arm without thinking of you /pos /pos /pos /pos#this is at the TOP of on the list of the pretty little things i've been given#ik i sound like a broken record but its so insane how much i love you. i didnt know i could bond w someone over anon sm and i JUST. idk#its something abt me never getting something like this and idk never ever feeling so cared for....#you deserve all the pretty things and someone who never lies to you and someone who wants to be on your arm so bad that they write a song#about it and someone who cares about you so deeply that they think about you at night and smile so big that it hurts and someone who loves#you so much that it hurts physically and someone who thinks of you now when he listens to songs sometimes and someone who cares#about you so intensely that when he's reading messages from you she feels comforted and your words are smtg that's on repeat in her head no#and someone who wants to mail you flowers so bad because you made him feel so amazing and someone who recognises how much you deserve#and wants to give it all to you so bad and someone who loves you as much as you deserve.#and i wanna do all that and be that person so bad and i'm gonna send you a daily ask now because you mean so much to me#and you deserve someone who makes pretty things for you too and someone who tries so hard to show it#and im GONNA. im gonna try So Hard.#you'll probably get so sick of me but believe me i'm gonna make you feel as special and amazing as you made me feel. believe me.#anyway yeah. i care about you a totally normal amount#if you read all of this just know i love you so much it hurts sometimes 💗💗#my feelings towards this are : 💖💝💓💞💘💕💗⚡☀️✨⭐💫🌟#elijah my heart my love letter my special and awesome best friend my heart anon elijah#<- better tag for u because you deserve it so fucking much#elijah <33#<- ur old tag too so u can look thru my blog and see this whenever u want#heart anon#<- for me. so i can look at this for hours and find it easily so that i could complete loving elijah hours daily
11 notes
·
View notes