#everything is wretched rn

[tsnbrainrot]

.

[fishandshesmygills]

they should invent an understanding and intellectualizing your feelings that makes them go away!!!

[mypeggableromance]

.

[mossyshadows]

feeling empty after completing a task that was stressing me out (and it shouldn’t even have) instead of relieved. Oh it’s so wretched

[shinji-hibiki]

yeah ok i started listening to dir en grey and um. well. i get it now I understand

[trans-labyrinth]

can't hear you I'm listening to Jill Johnston's speech about lesbianism at the town bloody hall

[gazeboarcade]

:^[

[starlightandsouls]

Yours to Save, Yours to Guard

Part 2 of Yours to Have, Yours to Break

Summary: Azriel and Reader pick up the pieces of Cassian's mistake.

Warnings: angst (?), severe panic attack

A/N: it's finally here guys. I actually loved how this one turned out, filled to the brim with lots of angst and emotions that is typical of my work. I feel like last time I rushed the first part so it wasn't as impactful. Anywaysss, I hope you guys like this as much as I do, and please leave a comment telling me what you think. My motivation levels are lowwww rn and your comments always make my day!

Azriel POV

Agony tore through his heart like a viper striking its prey. Its poison seeping through his veins and making an act as simple as breathing seem laborious. How did everything collapse so quickly? How could he let it slip away from him so easily? His love… his nightingale was gone.

After somewhat coming to his senses, he had winnowed straight to his nightingale’s house, knowing that was where she would return. Just like him, she liked being alone when faced with the hurdles life threw at her. Just two sides of the same accursed coin. And that was where he found her; her room in a mess, belongings sprawled everywhere, and his nightingale sitting in the middle of it all, heaving with sobs. He had frozen at the sight, his wretched heart breaking even more. But the sound of her never ending tears had broken him out of his stupor.

Azriel immediately fell to his knees before and tried to grab her hands as he pleaded,

“My love, please, listen to me-”

He hadn’t had the chance to finish his sentenced before you wrenched your hands away from his, as if his very touch burned you. The thought of that pierced through his very being.

“Don’t touch me, you… You fucking cheat!” You roared. To say he was shocked would be an understatement; his nightingale never yelled at anyone, no matter how upset she was. He didn’t even know you were capable of such fury, let alone releasing it at him. You had gotten up from your place at the foot of your bed and had moved away from him to another corner of the room. Pointless as he followed you right away.

“It’s not what it looked like, will you please listen to me?”

“Really, Azriel? Could you sound any more typical right now? You know, if you had the guts to have an affair, you should have at least come up with a better excuse when you were with her,” you spat at him. The hatred burning bright in your eyes made him want to fall to his knees before you. But he knew he had to explain…he had to tell you what happened. This was his one chance, otherwise he’d lose you forever.

“I didn’t! I would never! I swear on my life, I have no idea why Elain was there, or why she did what she did. I had no part of it, I swear to you. Please just think about it. If I wanted to be with her, why would I have made plans with you? To celebrate our anniversary no less?” he pleaded.

“Oh I don’t know, maybe you got tired of me, hm? Why mess around with some ‘commoner’ when you can have the High Lady’s sister?”

What? Where were you getting all this from? Why were you thinking like this? You weren’t like this and neither was he…and you…you knew that.

“Love…please,” Azriel begged as he moved closer trying to reach for your hands. Yet again you evaded him and moved away to another corner. It was as if the two were dancing a dance of push and pull, one always out of reach of the other. You turned around and just…looked at him.

“You know, when she came to me, and with everything she said…I didn’t believe her. Even when every part of my being was begging me to, I thought…my Azriel wouldn’t do that to me. He loves me, not her. Why couldn’t you keep my trust Azriel? Why did you shatter it like this?”

“Told you what? Love, please, if you don’t want to listen to me at least tell me what Elain said to you. So that I can prove to you that it is a lie.” Azriel was genuinely at a loss for words. As the situation progressed, he became more and more confused.

“She came to the bookshop before I left, Elain. At first I thought she was a customer, but no…she was there to steal something else altogether. And imagine how shocked I was when she told me that you have been having an affair with her for the past year. That the only reason the two of you kept it a secret was because of the High Lord. And now that he approves of your relationship, the two of you don’t have to hide anymore. Which is why you were going to break up with me today.”

Azriel fell quiet at that and stared at you for a good five minutes trying to process the words that just came out of your mouth. The sheer insanity of it only worsened his addled mind.

“Darling, that is…she’s lying. How can you believe her? Why would you believe her? What proof did she give you? Why would you trust some stranger over.. me?” Azriel demanded, his own anger rising. He was the innocent one here yet no one seemed to want to listen to him.

“Is it not the truth then?”

“NO!”

It was a battle of wills now. Both of you were simmering with fury right now- you with your rage at being betrayed and Azriel with his frustration at being ignored. Two sides of the same coin indeed.

Knowing he had to be the one to surrender, that be had to placate you if he wanted this relationship to survive, Azriel softened. He extinguished the rage that was threatening to burn their love to the ground and walked closer to you again. He reached for your hands to offer yet another apology, an explanation…anything to get you to show mercy.

But you snatched your hand back with such…disgust, as if his touch had burned you.

“Get your filthy hands off me, you fucking cheat!” you screamed, “don’t touch me!”

Azriel immediately let go of you. A thousand ash arrows could have pierced him on the battlefield and they would have hurt him less than the utter hate and disgust marring your usually soft features.

“Love…” A final plead, a final beg…the last thread holding them together. One last try of reaching out from the darkness he was drowning in.

“I said DON’T TOUCH ME! They were all right about you…you…you’re just another Illyrian brute who uses women as he pleases. I was a fool to think you were different, that you…you loved me.” All the hate had vanished in an instant from your face, replaced by something worse. In its place was a crestfallen defeat, the ravaging fire of fury replaced with silver tears now streaming down your face.

And it was the sight of your tears that told Azriel it was all lost… he had lost. He had sworn an oath once, to you, to himself, that he would never cause you an ounce of heartbreak.

The memory seemed bittersweet now. You had been crying because of some novel that you were reading as a hero had died tragically at the end. In his attempts to cheer you up he had remarked how this made him better than the heroes of novels that you always fawned over, for he never made you cry.

“Sure of ourselves are we?” you had asked with a smirk, your amusement returning to your gaze.

Mission accomplished, he had thought to himself.

“Of course, I never hurt you so there is no reason for you to cry,” he had answered.

“So do you promise then, Shadowsinger, that you will never make me cry?” you had jested.

“I swear on it my nightingale. I will never make you cry, I promise.”

It looked like you were thinking of the same memory, that now seemed almost a millennia ago. Had they been that happy? Was that what their life had been like? Happiness now seemed like a foreign country, whose borders had no room for immigrants like him.

“I’m sorry,” was all he said before he winnowed away to his house in Velaris. Before shadows engulfed him completely, he could have sworn he saw you crumble to the ground.

…………………………………………...............................................

His lounge came into view, exactly as he had left it. But everything seemed strange, foreign. As he stood in the absolute silence of his house, the reality of what had happened settled in on him. He stumbled to the couch, his vision blurring slightly, making the journey troublesome.

Azriel’s heart pounded like a drum in his chest, each beat a painful reminder of the emptiness that now filled his house. The room spun around him, the walls closing in as if trying to crush him under the weight of his despair. He sank to the floor, his back against the couch where he and his nightingale had once spent countless evenings tangled together, laughing, and whispering secrets.

“She’s gone,” he gasped, his voice barely a whisper. His breaths came in shallow, ragged gasps, and he felt like he was suffocating. He clutched his chest, the pressure unbearable. His mind raced with images of you just moments ago; you looking at him with such disgust, you wrenching your hands away from his, your tears streaming down your grief stricken face.

“No, no, no,” he muttered, rocking back and forth. “This can’t be happening. She can’t be gone. My nightingale can’t be gone.”

His vision blurred with tears, and he could barely see the room around him. Everything felt surreal, like a nightmare he couldn’t wake up from. His fingers dug into the carpet, seeking some grounding, some way to make the pain stop. But nothing helped. The anguish was too deep, too consuming. How could this happen? How had he let this happen? His nightingale was the one gift he had stolen from the Mother. The one happiness he had gotten in this miserable life. It… It wasn’t fair. He always gave up every thing, he did everything for everyone…so why wasn’t he allowed this one happiness? Why did the Mother hate him so much to dangle this beautiful fate in front of him all these years only to snatch it away? Which one of his sins was he being punished for?

Memories of their time together flashed through his mind. Your smile, the way you looked at him with those eyes full of love, the sound of your laughter that always made his heart soar. And now, it was all gone. You were gone. The realization hit him like a sledgehammer, and he doubled over, choking on sobs.

“I need you,” he cried out, his voice breaking. “Please, come back. I can’t do this without you.”

But the silence was his only answer. The home that had once been their sanctuary now felt like a tomb, cold and empty. He tried to stand, but his legs wouldn’t support him. He fell to his knees, his body shaking with the force of his sobs.

“Why did you leave?” he wailed, his voice echoing off the walls. “Why?”

His breath came in shallow gasps, each one a struggle. He felt lightheaded, his vision tunneling. He pressed a hand to his chest, trying to calm himself, but the panic was relentless. It clawed at him, tearing him apart from the inside.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, tears streaming down his face. “I’m so sorry.”

But you weren’t there to hear him. You were gone, and he was alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. He was alone again, like he had always been, like he had always meant to be. The realization tore through him, a fresh wave of agony that left him breathless. He curled into a ball on the floor, his body wracked with sobs, and let the darkness close in.

…………………………………........................................................

Cassian POV:

He had stayed in the training arena long after his brother had left, trying to come up with a possible explanation. Azriel didn’t blow up like that… ever. No matter what trial or pain they were going through, his brother was the one who grounded them all; always a calm, stoic presence. For him to react this way, he knew something major had to have happened. But what?

Cassian knew this mystery could only be solved by the culprit behind it, and his brother had conveniently provided him with a name: Elain.

Immediately he set off to find the particular Archeron sister that had apparently caused his brother so much woe. Knowing Elain, she was in one of two places: the kitchens or the gardens. And the latter seemed to be her choice of the day as that is where he found her; pruning away at some roses, humming a tune, as if she hadn’t… done whatever it is that she had done, but Cassian knew it had to be horrible.

Azriel may be Spymaster, but centuries as General had taught him to read people in an instant, and Elain Archeron despite all her self perceived slyness and schemes, was an open book. He noticed how she stiffened as he approached, how her stabs at the soil got much swifter, he noticed the panic on her face that she tried but failed to school into nonchalance.

“Elain,” he greeted plainly, wanting her to slowly succumb to her panic before he asked her anything.

“Cassian, strange seeing you here. Nesta’s not here if that’s who you are looking for.”

“No, actually, I was looking for you. You haven’t happen to have seen Azriel today have you?” he inquired.

“Az? No…no I haven’t seen him for quite some time actually,” she answered but that one second look of panic, of fear, gave her away. It cemented her as the culprit behind whatever crime she had committed against his brother. Elain then proceeded to grab some flowers she had plucked, put them in a basket, and attempted to walk past him. But he blocked her path and glared right back at her,

“Elain, what the hell did you do?” he demanded, emphasizing every single word.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” again she tried to maneuver past him but he didn’t budge an inch.

“Elain,” he growled, “you’re going to tell me what you did. Right. The. Fuck. Now.”

And that was when she crumbled. She broke down- crocodile tears if you ask him- and recalled every single thing she had done: from eavesdropping his conversation with Nesta, to asking around about the girl Azriel was with by using her name, visiting her bookshop, then ambushing Azriel at the café. At the end of it, Cassian was speechless. He looked at the woman in front of him and saw a stranger. Elain, sweet Elain, always assumed by everyone to be innocent and kind. The crime she had committed twisted her features into something ugly and heinous- mirroring her vile heart.

“How could you?”

“Cauldron! Why doesn’t anyone understand me? I love him!! And he was messing around with that…that bitch. I deserve him, not her!” Elain screamed, a wildness overtaking her expression.

“You do not deserve anything, Elain. You can’t force someone to love you. And you don’t hurt the people you love. What did you think was going to happen, huh? That you would break up Azriel’s relationship, his very happy relationship, and he would what? Run happily to you? Are you honestly that delusional?!” Cassian roared back.

“It doesn’t matter. I wanted him first. What right does she have to just waltz in and steal him from me?”

“She didn’t steal anyone, Elain. Azriel was never yours-”

“Well then at least he’s not hers anymore now either. If I can’t have him, no one can,” she said coolly as if she had told some joke. The calmness with which she said it took out all the fight from his body.

“You’re pathetic,” he whispered. And with that he made to leave.

“Wait, where are you going?” she called after him.

“To find my brother. Rhysand will deal with you.”

What Elain had done was unforgivable; intentionally breaking up his dear brother’s relationship like that, ambushing him with a kiss against his will…was no less than assault. And Cassian had a sinking feeling Rhysand would have a lot to say to the middle Archeron sister.

……………………………………………………………….....................

Flying to the River House, he barged in to find Rhysand. Azriel’s reaction to everything made it clear that the situation was more serious than he had anticipated. He also knew that he needed Rhysand to intervene and help come to solution since Azriel would not listen to a word Cassian said. What the hell. The cat was already out of the bag, he might as well tell Rhys too, just so he can help Cassian clean up this mess.

Thankfully, Feyre was not home. He really didn’t want to tell his High Lady about her own sister’s crimes- he would much rather leave that conversation to Rhys. Speaking of, he found the High Lord in his study going over reports. His brother gave a warm smile as he saw Cassian walk in but his face fell at his expression.

“What’s happened?”

Cassian sighed and recounted the whole debacle, starting from when he first saw Azriel and his girlfriend at the café to his recent conversation with Elain. To say his brother was seething by the end would be an understatement. One thing about Rhys was that he is insanely protective of his family and while Elain might be his sister in law, the three of them had been at each other’s side for five centuries- it was no mystery of who was given priority.

And what Elain had done… His brother never spoke of it but he knew Rhysand was still haunted by his time Under the Mountain, by Amarantha. Even more than before his brother had always been the one to enforce the importance of consent, in every aspect of life, not just intimacy. For Elain to so blatantly ignore his brother’s refusal must have struck a chord with Rhys. The High Lord was now pacing in his office, almost shaking with anger.

“Where is she now?” the High Lord demanded.

Knowing he must be talking about Elain, he answered, “She’s at the House of Wind.”

“Cauldron, I just want to… never mind we’ll deal with her later. Where’s Az?”

“I have no idea. He winnowed away from the training arena and I haven’t seen him since. He wasn’t in his room at the House of Wind, and he’s not here either,” Cassian explained.

“He must be at his own place then. Let’s go.”

“Me? Shouldn’t you go on your own? He seemed really pissed off, Rhysand. Maybe you should go on your own, I don’t want to make anything worse,” Cassian said hesitantly.

“Don’t be a fool, Cass. What’s happened has happened. We can’t change it. But we can make Azriel hear us out right now. Let’s go.”

With that the two brothers winnowed away in search of their third, terrified of what they might find.

……………………………………..................................................

Arriving at Azriel’s place they were met with darkness and a pungent stench of alcohol. Walking further into the house, they found Azriel passed out on his couch, the coffee table littered with empty bottles of vodka. Shit. Shit. Shit. Azriel had only confronted Cassian in the training arena this morning. Just how much had he drank since then in this short period of time. Turning to Rhysand, he saw similar horror in his eyes. Azriel never drank like this. It was usually Cassian who blacked out drunk on nights out, Azriel-ever the vigilant Spymaster- would always remain sober enough to keep track of his surroundings.

Rhysand walked over and gently shook Azriel awake, emitting several groans from the passed out male.

“Az, wake up brother,” Rhysand prodded him gently.

Azriel only let out another groan in response and covered his eyes with his arm, burrowing in further into the couch.

“C’mon none of that,” Rhysand said, pushing him again. Eventually, Rhysand managed to get Azriel up and sitting on the couch. The sway to his body and his unfocused eyes confirmed what they were already suspecting: Azriel was very, very drunk.

Out of nowhere, Azriel made to get up but his intoxication was clearly affecting his motor skills as he stumbled and would have face planted on the floor but luckily Rhysand caught him in his arms.

“Easy there brother…”

“I’m fine,” Azriel grumbled before pushing off of Rhys. His slurred words telling that he was very much not fine. Azriel then made to walk to the kitchen when his eyes landed on him. Cassian steeled himself, readying himself for another onslaught of Azriel’s accusations, knowing full well he deserved them. Honestly he would have preferred the yelling. Because Azriel said… nothing. The utter defeat in his brother’s eyes made Cassian want to die almost. Azriel only pushed past Cassian to the kitchen, not even sparing him another glance.

The two of them assumed perhaps Azriel was getting a glass of water but were immediately proven wrong when they saw him rummaging through cabinets and pulling out yet another bottle of vodka.

“Hey now, none of that. You’ve had enough Azriel,” Rhysand exclaimed, the authority in his voice urging Az to listen.

“Yeah, I’ve just about had enough with all this,” Azriel said with a wry laugh, still stumbling where he stood when he took another sip of the bottle. The bastard was going to give himself alcohol poisoning at this rate if he didn’t slow down. Not being able to watch any longer, Cassian rushed forward to grab the bottle from his brother’s hands only to be pushed right back,

“Don’t fucking touch me. This is… it’s all your fault,” Azriel barked.

“Okay so we’re talking now, good,” Rhysand said all of a sudden. Azriel laughed a dry laugh,

“I have nothing to say to anyone, get the hell out.”

“Az, we know you’re upset” Rhysand started but was interrupted by Azriel,

“Upset doesn’t even begin to describe what I’m feeling right now, Rhysand. So why don’t you take your fake sympathy and pity and shove it up your ass.”

With that Azriel pushed past the two of them and moved towards his room. Cassian followed, knowing he had to get through to Az right now if they wanted any chance to fix this mess.

“Azriel listen to me-” Cassian started, pushing past the door when Azriel tried to slam it in his face, “No you’re going to listen whether you like it or not. Yes, I knew about your girlfriend. I saw the two of you at the café by the Sidra because I’d been out to get some things for Nesta and the girls. Yes, I was upset and hurt that you didn’t tell me, especially after I found out that you had been courting her for two years. And yes I told Nesta, which I realize was a mistake as well. It was not my place to tell her. But I was only discussing it with my mate because I was upset about it. And she swore not to tell anyone either. I… I didn’t tell Elain. She was eavesdropping our conversation from our bedroom door and she asked around about you girlfriend through her name. I didn’t tell her Az, let alone send her there. I… I would never ruin your happiness like that, brother.”

Cassian was panting at the end of his rant, out of breath from all the emotions he had let out, but he knew he had to get through to Azriel right now. Or else this misunderstanding would only get worse. Rhysand now stood behind him, ready to jump in between his two brothers in case he needed to.

Azriel only stared back at him as a single tear made its way down his face,

“It doesn’t matter… none of it matters. My nightingale.. she’s gone. She left. She left me and I can’t… I can’t breathe… I can’t…”

Cassian saw the sudden shift in his brother; how Azriel’s panicked gaze flitted across the room quicker than his shadows, how he began to grab at his chest, his neck. Immediately Cassian moved to his brother,

“Hey, Az. Just breathe okay. You’re alright, “ Cassian tried comforting his brother, wanting to ground him before he spiraled into a full on panic attack. He put Azriel’s hand on his own chest, trying to get Az to match his breathing.

“It’s okay, it’s okay. You’re okay, you’re safe,” Cassian repeated the mantra he had uttered a thousand times to his brother. Despite his stoic attitude, out of all of them, Azriel had always been more prone to panic attacks, had been since childhood. Perhaps it was his silent, secretive nature, Azriel always kept his issues to himself, never voicing them to anyone or complaining. Maybe bottling up everything in such a way was what caused his brother to collapse from time to time. There’s only so much a person can take, even if they are as strong as his brother.

Eventually Azriel’s breaths calmed and he crumbled in Cassian’s arms. Slowly the two fell to the floor and Azriel… just cried. Cassian looked at Rhysand who had a similarly shocked expression. They had never, ever seen Azriel break down like this. Cassian was at a loss for words, and it must have seemed like it too, because Rhys walked over and kneeled by them too.

“Hey, it’s going to be alright, Az. I know all seems lost right now but we’ll fix this. I swear it,” Rhys comforted.

“You can’t… fix anything,” Azriel let out amidst his sobs, “she’s gone, she doesn’t even want to see me.”

As Azriel’s sobs got more violent, the two brothers became more and more concerned. None of their attempts to calm him down were working and at this rate they were worried he might as well spiral into another panic attack. .

“Why does this always happen to me? I do everything for everyone… I always give up everything. Why can’t I have this one thing? Why can’t anyone love me? Why does everyone always leave?” Azriel lamented, hiccupping because of the tears.

To say Cassian’s heart broke in that moment would be an understatement. It was then that he swore to the Mother that he would fix this for his brother, even if he had to give up everything he had for it.

…............................................................................................

Cassian had left Azriel with Rhysand after he had pried your name and whereabouts from Azriel. It had been difficult with Az not even wanting to mention your name but eventually he had succumbed to Cassian’s persistence. He was ashamed to admit that he had used his brother’s still drunken state to pry information out of him but whatever. It was for a good cause.

Now he was standing outside your door. He had first visited The Quill- a bookshop he now knew you owned, Nesta would be delighted- but unfortunately it was closed for the day. Knocking he waited for a response but got none. Not knowing what else to do, he knocked again. Azriel hadn’t mentioned another location, if you weren’t here Cassian didn’t know what he would do.

He was about to knock again when a muffled voice called out,

“I’m coming!”

So you were home. Great. As Cassian was preparing what to say the door opened and… shit. There you were, looking just as bad as Azriel; swollen eyes, puffy face, red nose. All indicators of a long crying session. Cassian wanted to kick himself: just how many people had he hurt with his hot headedness.

“Yes? Can I help you?”

It was at your question that Cassian realized that he had been gawking at you, which instantly snapped him out of his stupor.

“Yes, sorry about that. I was hoping we could talk for a moment. I’m Cassian, Azriel’s brother?”

He hoped that Az had at least mentioned him to you otherwise this was going to be a very difficult conversation. However, your face fell as he mentioned Azriel’s name-shit- and you began to close the door in his face as you said,

“I have nothing to say to you. Goodbye.”

And you had almost slammed the door in Cassian’s face but he wrenched his feet in between the door,

“Look I’m sorry. I know you’re angry and hurt and you have every right to be but please… please listen to me. I won’t take long, just a moment… Please.”

Internally Cassian begged every deity out there to bless you with some mercy, some understanding. And despite recent events proving otherwise, it seemed just this once fate was on his side as you opened the door to let him in and took him to your drawing room. Crossing your arms in front you, you stared back at him with a fiery gaze, daring him to say whatever it is he wanted to say. Feisty. He was beginning to see why his brother liked you.

“If Azriel has sent you here to offer some made up apologies, I would recommend you save your time and leave,” you said before Cassian could get anything out.

“No, not an apology, an explanation.”

You scoffed and started to move away but Cassian continued before you could leave,

“Look whatever happened that day in the café, it wasn’t Azriel’s fault. It was…mine.”

He could see how your ears piqued up at that as you turned to him with inquisitive eyes. He had your attention then… good. So Cassian began again and told his tale, explaining Elain overhearing his conversation with Nesta, her vile schemes and also her long held affections for his brother. But he made it a point to reiterate how his brother had never returned those affections and that it was only after Cassian found out about you that he understood why- because his heart already belonged to another, to you.

“So please, if you want to take out your anger on anyone, take it out on me, take it out on Elain, but please do not punish my brother. He has no fault in all of this, and he can’t live without you. I know that now.”

Cassian had left after that, knowing you needed some time to process everything. He only hoped that he had done enough for his brother, and that the two lovers could find their way back to each other again.

...........................................................................................

Having cleared the misunderstanding between the two lovers, Cassian and Rhysand’s attentions had turned to the culprit: Elain. Rhys’s fury had returned full force when he was face to face with her. As he had raged and yelled, at one point Cassian thought Rhysand might end up killing Elain altogether- Azriel’s breakdown only acting as fuel to the fire. Seeing Azriel cry as he did had sparked a violent need for revenge in the two brothers.

In the end, Elain had survived- Cassian suspected probably because of Feyre. But Rhysand would no longer tolerate her in Velaris, even for Feyre. As punishment, Rhysand had sent her to Wind Haven where she would stay for the foreseeable future. With no allowance form Rhys, she would have to earn her keep by working in the camp, as all the “commoners” did. Cassian had almost laughed when Rhysand had thrown Elain’s insult to you right back at her. With that out of the way, Cassian had turned to you and his brother.

As it turns out, his brother and his lover were equally stubborn. Despite the air being cleared between the two of you, both parties being absolved of guilt, neither of you was willing to take the first step. Azriel was still convinced that you wanted nothing to do with him, that you did not want to see him. And you… you had somehow managed to convince yourself that in the argument that had taken place between you and Azriel, you had hurt him to such a measure that you could not face him.

Ultimately, Cassian wanted to slam his head against a wall. Neither of you was willing to budge so he knew he had to take matters into his own hands. Therefore he had concocted a simple plan. He had convinced Azriel to take an evening stroll with him, claiming that his brother had spent too many days locked up in his house, drinking and brooding, that he needed some fresh air. In the end it had taken a direct order from Rhysand to get Azriel out of the house. Cassian knew his brother did not like to play rank with them but in this case it was necessary. If he was left to his own devices Azriel would most likely wither away in his home.

Well, they had gone flying and had even stopped at a restaurant where Cassian had forced his brother to eat- because Azriel did look like a walking corpse. It was when they were walking by the Sidra thkat the second component of his plan arrived- you.

The two lovers froze as they spotted each other. Now that the two were face to face, they had to talk.

“Oh, damn it. I was supposed to take Nesta flying. Well I better leave. Enjoy your walk Azriel.” With that Cassian took to the sky but not before he saw his brother’s accusatory glare. As he soared to the clouds, he sent a prayer to the Mother to soften both your hearts and allow the two of you to work out your differences- if only for the sake of your love.

..........................................................................................

Azriel POV:

The scene was rather poetic; two lovers mirroring each other’s pain. Your eyes looked hollow and sunken, as he was sure his did as well, indicative of long nights spent crying instead of sleeping.

He knew he couldn’t walk away, as much as his mind was begging him to. He wasn’t that cowardly. So he slowly approached you, allowing you the chance to walk away, but thankfully you moved to him as well.

“Can we talk?” he asked, his voice hoarse from days of not using it- he hadn’t really fell like talking to anyone. You nodded and the pair walked over to the bench that gave a brilliant view of the river in front of them, yet at the moment all seemed bland and gray.

“So…”

“I’m sorry,” the two of you said at the same time.

“Sorry? Nightingale, what are you sorry for? It was my fault… I…” Azriel didn’t know what his fault was but he knew his darling was not to be blamed.

“No, you have done nothing wrong. Your brother, Cassian, he explained everything, everything that the bitch did,” you spat out, “It is my fault Azriel. You… You did nothing at all. That bitch kissed you against your will and I blamed you for it. And I am so sorry for that, Azriel.”

Azriel was at a loss. He had walked into this conversation expecting to be confronted and now… he was confused.

“I should have listened to you, I should have stopped to think but I didn’t and I’m so sorry Azriel,” you cried, tears lining your eyes.

“Its okay, nightingale. It was the heat of the moment, you didn’t have to time to react to what you saw. I probably would have reacted the same.”

And it was true. With how possessive he was, Azriel knew seeing his nightingale with another man would not have ended well.

“But you came to me… You came to my house to explain yourself even when you had done nothing wrong… And I didn’t even listen, and I said such horrible things. I’m so so sorry Azriel,” you said amidst tears as your head fell into your hands.

Instantly, he took you into his arms. And just like that he felt whole again. You were where you belonged, and that’s all that matters. But you pulled away and took his hands in your own,

“I need you to know, Azriel. I did not mean anything I said, not a single thing. Everything I said about your hands and you… I meant none of it. I was just so angry and I used your insecurities against you and I am so so sorry for that. Please, I understand if you do not wish to be with me any longer, but please forgive me. I won’t ever be able to forgive myself for hurting you like that, I’m so so sorry Az.”

With that you broke down into tears and Azriel pulled you back into his arms, every part of his soul begging him to comfort you, to provide solace.

“Love, its okay, I forgive you. I know you did not mean it, because I know my nightingale holds no malice for anyone in her heart. Yes it did hurt in the moment but we were both not thinking straight in the moment.”

“You shouldn’t forgive me so easily,” you remarked as you wiped away some tears.

“I think that should be for me to decide, no?”

A strange silence fell between them, one that had had no place in their relationship before. It was the gnawing kind that slowly began to suffocate you. The two of you had resolved the misunderstanding but so much had been done, so much had been said, that they didn’t know how to move past it. So they sat quietly side by side, staring at the river before them, wondering to themselves if it could carry away their woe as well.

No matter how much he tried to ignore it, there was one question that was gnawing at the back of his mind. Azriel knew if he wanted any hope for their relationship to survive, he had to ask it now. Otherwise they could try to move past this together and dance around it, ignoring it’s presence as it slowly suffocated Azriel to death.

“Why didn’t you come for me, when Cassian had told you the truth?”

You turned to glance at him, the pain shining through your eyes, then turned back to the River as you answered,

“I was afraid, afraid that you would turn me away. Already I had convinced myself that I did not deserve you… everything that happened only cemented the fact that I would only hurt you.”

That- was not what he was expecting. He had thought perhaps you had already given up on their relationship, maybe you didn’t think him worth the effort. To think that you thought yourself unworthy… it wasn’t like you. Some deep instinct of his told him there was more. He wasn’t the Spymaster for nothing.

“Where is this coming from, love?”

“I don’t know, Azriel. I’ve just been struggling so much these past few months. Freya, she made these new friends that we’ve been hanging out with. And she told them about us, our relationship, and the things they said have been getting to my head. They found it very hard to imagine that you would date someone like me. They always commented how you could always find someone richer or belonging to a more royal family. And one of them… one of them even said that because you go to all these different courts, you probably have loads of affairs. And you… You were gone for so long, and I know it was for work, I understand that completely, I knew that when we got together. But they wouldn’t stop saying it. So when Elain showed up to my shop… everything she said and then what I saw at the café, it was like vindication for my fears. Like you had proven them right. I got so caught up in their hate- that I lost track of us in between.”

You again started crying at the end of the rant, it providing a much needed catharsis. Azriel was…speechless. He knew first hand how painful such insecurities were and to imagine that yours had dug so deep that you doubted their relationship… That you doubted yourself, made him want to stab his own heart out. Taking you into his arms, he whispered,

“My love, your are not wrong for having fears or insecurities. Everyone has them. You should have told me about them. That was your one mistake, you should have let me help you.”

Turning to look at him, you gazed into his eyes as if searching them for some way out of this mess.

“How do we move past this, Azriel?” You asked sadly.

“Well, we start by forgiving each other. And by promising that we never let a third get in between us again; whether that’s Freya, Elain, my brothers, anyone. Never again, nightingale. Whatever issues we have, whatever fears, we solve them together. Can you promise that?”

“Yes, my love, I promise,” you answered with a smile.

“So we’re together again?” he asked with a smirk and you answered by throwing yourself into his arms. And as he held you in his arms, Azriel swore it was then that he took his first breath in weeks. He knew this was far from over. He knew it would take time to rebuild their relationship and their trust in each other to way it was, knew it would take time to fight away your insecurities along side his own. But in this moment, he only shuffled closer to you, inhaling your scent to give solace to his weary heart.

Pulling away, he wiped the tears from your face and asked with a smirk,

“Well, it is way past the date, but would you be interested in a belated, anniversary breakfast my lady?”

In answer you only let out a laugh of your own, the sound more melodious to Azriel than the sweetest opera, and you took his hand in your own as the two of you began to walk towards your favorite café, where all this heartbreak had started.

The two of you walked hand in hand to the same café, hearts beating as one, to a new start.

Taglist: @i-am-infinite, @going-through-shit @cleverzonkwombatsludge @minnieoo @rcarbo1 @tele86 @freyagallileaevans @paleidiot @mariahoedt @ratgirl2020 @starryhiraeth @s-a-v-a-n-a-34 @topaz125 @theravenphoenix26 @circe143

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

Comte Drama CD Translations, Track Five: A Night of Great Love

I'm not a professional yada yada yada, these are just my rough transcriptions of each track in the CD because I need fodder for my simping. More beneath the cut as usual. Also just a heads-up, this one's got spoice so it will be slightly nsfw (nothing too explicit but like, it's there).

The title says it all for this one (did I go soft? maybe a little bit don't look at me). Here we go!

Comte: We’re finally alone.  [KISS SOUND] Now you’re all mine…for putting up with it…I’d like you to praise me for not touching you until we got back to our room. From now on I’ll be doing away with the gentleman’s facade…and I’ll spoil you rotten. …I won’t hide it anymore. My feelings for you, my love, my instincts as a man…

What a way to start this track out like thanks I'm already inches from having my way with him, sweet words be damned.

"Praise me for not touching you until we got back to our room." DISAGREE YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN GROPING--

Mn [KISSES]…come now…say it. I told you long before what my name was… …That’s right. Good girl. My name, Abel, means void/emptiness… When my eternal life was at its most unbearable, I wondered at what an ironic name it was.  But now, when you say my name…I get the strangest feeling, one I’ve never felt before. At the very least, it feels more important/meaningful than before.

It seemed out of the question that I could ever love my name. …You changed everything. Not just my name. The meaning of the word eternity and future, and the joy of loving someone…you’ve taught me all the happiness of being loved. …So you must accept mine in return. Accept what? Of course…my love-- -----

These are all things that were revealed in the main story route, so nothing really new here. Love the good girl bit tho and 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺😭 "You've taught me all the happiness of being loved." AND I WILL FOREVER MUAH MUAH ABEL

(KISS SOUND) Tonight I intend to make you call my name until your voice is hoarse/wretched… (MORE KISSES) About vampires…no, I’ll teach you all about men. (why not BOTH--) I’ll teach you every pleasure you don’t know. There’s no need for fear, all you have to do is leave everything to me. Haah (KISSES MANY OF THEM)…everywhere I touch you, you react so sweetly… Sweet, gorgeous, and dense like a noble flower…it makes me want to steal you for my own right away…

Love that my only protest to all of this is "who says you're the only one gonna be doing any touching" 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I waited nearly three years for you Abel don't try me rn

Also I know that last line is a bit strange, but that's about as much as I could decipher--it was one of those trickier lines that seemed to have a kind of metaphorical/idiomatic element to it. I think it might be speaking to the larger metaphor in Ikevamp of humans being like flowers who either wither or are eternally preserved basically, not unlike her wedding gift to him.

If I were to bite you here and now…in exchange for that momentary pain, you would know unimaginable pleasure. …What’s with that expectant gaze? Are you testing me? …What a naughty woman you are, to stir up a vampire--and a pureblood, no less. Are you…sure you’re ready for an endless life and endless pleasure? …Mn…haah (KISSES) …It’s all right. I don’t really want to bite you. …I just wanted to give you a little lesson on how dangerous it can be to toy with a vampire.

Respectfully MC is a stronger woman than me, if he pulled this shit on me I'd be a vamp tomorrow, we are not the same. Although in fairness I do appreciate that he respects her hesitation

(KISSES) Mn…ah…that was such…a cute sound you just made… Every time we kiss, you just get rosier and sweeter…Seriously, how far do you plan to test my limits before you’re satisfied? I’m burning up…I want to make love to you, be so deep inside you (and melt away)… Mn (KISSES)…ha…ah, the sweet scent is getting stronger… If we go on like this, I’m not sure I can play around much longer…I feel like I’m losing my mind. …You shouldn’t let a foolish man like me take advantage of you any further. For now, I’ll accept just this much.

Okay but like. Can we talk about that last line in the former bit and the first one in this bit because. MC do we have a kink for Comte being a little dark and sexy vampire hours? Because YEET SAME AAAAAAAAAAA

Consider me well and seduced, v hot for me 👀💅🏼 Although asjkhldgldsjhg this highkey makes me want to tease him so badly, he just seems so reactive

That last line I think was supposed to be an extension of the self-deprecation from the last track, and tbh it made me v sad :< don't fret Comte, I'm here because I wanna be ;-; nothing wrong with being a little needy

…I want you…I really want you…I mean it. …Touch me, and see for yourself. …You know what I mean, don’t you? My heart is racing, desperate for you. Unable to resist every flagrant urge, I take the woman I love… The more I touch your smooth skin, the more difficult it becomes to resist that pleasure… That’s why it’s so hard for me to hold back. 

Like. If I try to describe how this makes me feel all I'm gonna do is bark, so I'm just gonna spare y'all that--

Also dying at that bit where he goes "touch me and see for yourself" because. Come on. We all know what we were thinking. And he was like "See? My heart's racing" I BET IT IS, COMTE. I BET. IT. IS. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

So now…mn…ahhh…haah… (I cannot convey to you the overwhelming eroticism of this voiced **cough** moaned **cough** line. It must be heard to be known and felt. --R.I.P Minnie, 2023) Instead of biting you, I’ll leave a sign of my desire here on your neck. …When we became lovers, you told me that you didn’t mind being beside me, even if I was hesitant. Trying to choose the right future, worrying until the last minute. Because if I do bite you, sink my fangs into this delicate flesh and grant you lifetimes…it’s something that only takes an instant. The moment I make up my mind, I can turn you right here and right now. To be with the woman I love whom I found in eternity, and to make her eternal with me…there is no sweeter temptation for me. But right now…I want to forget about the flow of eternity and indulge in happiness with you. …This time, let me give you a gentle kiss. (KISS) Mn…Even if I can suppress the bloodlust, I can’t hold back my love for you any longer. Tonight, I want to know every part of you more deeply than ever… I want to be deep inside you…I want us to seek each other and to make you mine. (GET IT TIGER) The night is still long. I’ll give you as much as you want, so that you don’t even have a moment to breathe.

More barking, also -> "To be with the woman I love whom I found in eternity, and to make her eternal with me…there is no sweeter temptation for me." this is what hope looks like. I'm gonna tell my kids this was the twilight saga KIDDING but fr 🙏🏼 my hopes and dreams epitomized.

[r0semaryt3a]

A wip of sorts of a ChellDos fic I’m working on: Tears and Turmoil

Note: it’s mainly a rewrite with minor changes (and mainly from the of GLaDOS) up till the betrayal when it changes so don’t expect much rn

‘He withdrew, murmuring “to hell with you.” And added, brightly, “but then you’re there, aren’t you?”’ - I have no mouth and I must scream, Harlan Ellison - 1967

-

People.

Worthless things really.

Or, well. Not entirely worthless. GLaDOS found humans to be quite entertaining, quite -sometimes- endearing. Thousands of people had fallen from the tests: some refused testing; sat rotting in their relaxation vault, some couldn’t quite make the first hurdle and some found a fiery grave.

Not her though. No, she just had to be different. Special. So special in fact, that she tore GLaDOS to pieces - and in her cruelty: tossed thousands upon thousands worth of Aperture technology into a fire. A fire.

Hmm, maybe Chell wasn’t special. Maybe she was just stupid.

It didn’t really matter now, GLaDOS was dead…kind of dead? Forced to relive her death, over and over and over and over again. Left to ponder. For a while

The years that flew by were a blur, maybe 50 maybe 5000. All that mattered was they had passed. For the first time since that wretch ‘broke her heart’, GLaDOS could acknowledge that time had passed. That was just the start, soon light flooded into her lens; the world became clear, trees and bushes had claimed the remains of her chamber, oils had mixed with water accumulating in murky puddles all around. The world was clear.“Wait, wait! Uh I can fix this! Just have to…hack the system, hang on. A-A-A-A-A-A. Oh, no uh, A-A-A-A-A-B. Nope! Hang on.” That voice, a part of her recognised it. The shrill (hardly) masculine wails. Oh, no matter, it was probably another loose personality sphere.

System reboot completed.

In a flurry of wires and scraps, her chassis began to drag upwards; her body feeling light. She could move. GLaDOS was back.

If she’d been programmed to - joy would have flooded her system…oh wait. No it wouldn’t. There would be no joy in seeing: her.

“Oh, it’s you” it had been a long while since she’d heard her own voice. It felt strange.Her intuition had been correct; a series of erratic swears left a tiny, spherical robot. He seemed surprised. Not at her awakening, but GLaDOS and Chell’s relationship.

Speaking of the mute lunatic. There she stood, in all her pathetic…ness. Oh, that was bad. hopefully her belittlement features would boot back up soon.

“It’s been a long time.” A part of her wondered how the woman was still alive, how after everything that had happened they both made it out in (figuratively) one piece.

But, the words were beyond her. And, frankly. GLaDOS didn’t care.

All that mattered was Chell was here; she was back in service. Meaning: testing could continue. Forever. Or as long as that crudely jumpsuited woman still stood.

“We both said a lot of things that you’re going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster.” As power flooded through her circuits, GLaDOS pulled a loose, clawed cord from her wreckage and dragged Chell, and her friend, upwards. Crushing the metal ball with ease and tossing it to the side before flinging Chell towards the (now destroyed) incinerator door.

"I will say, though, that since you went to all the trouble of waking me up, you must really, really love to test.” Somewhere in her tangle of metal, a part of GLaDOS lit up at seeing her greatest nuisance hung by a thread.

“I love it too. There’s just one thing we need to take care of first.”

Down the hatch.

The AI.chamber fell silent upon Chell’s descent.

What a lovely 15.2 seconds that silence was.

But, as all things Chell was involved in, it was fleeting; soon an unceremonious thud echoed up the incinerator.

“Be careful not to trip over any parts of me that didn’t get completely burned when you threw them down here, after you murdered me.”

The woman frantically flipped around, trying to find the origin of her tormentor’s voice. “Thanks for that by the way.” Turning her attention away from GLaDOS and onto the situation at hand, Chell began maneuvering across metal beams fallen over the incineration pit. Careful not to fall in herself. Heat pricked her skin with every step. She continued. Eventually, making it across; hoisting herself up a few ledges.

She’d almost forgotten what the halls of Aperture looked like. Not that this was a good example to jog her memory, in the facility’s now dilapidated state.

Push panels lay wedged amongst rubble on the floor, Chell attempted to shimmy past them…To no avail.

As if on cue, GLaDOS spoke, “Let me get that for you.” And, the metal slabs began to bend and snap upwards, back into place.

[tsnbrainrot]

.

[peachybeesplease]

having a wretched time with mold rn so am washing everything including my gay little beret collection and a bone just fell out of one?????

[bunni-v1]

Cureé

Chapter 6: Strength Previous Chapter || Next Chapter Tw: None (I think!) Info: Rook x Reader; Jamil x Reader; Kalim x Reader Word Count: 4.6k Words

🍓Finally I finished and edited chapter 6!!! Yaya!!! Ugh this took too long. I have zero time to get anything done, I apologize. I'm typing this up during class rn so I hope I don't fuck up and miss anything.

Taglist: @kitsun369 @bloomstruck @squidsailing @roseinbloom02 @savanaclaw1996 @agaygothicmushroom @chloemari-e @qmabailor(Lmk if you want to be added or removed)

You gave Leona and Riddle a half-assed excuse, ‘so very tired’, and neither of them is bothered to protest. Riddle does insist on walking you back, but you manage to weasel your way out of that with a few well-placed lies. You sneak your way to a little nook hidden behind some pretty maple trees in the garden.

You and your brother used to retreat here when you wanted to hide away from the scary governmental figures or simply didn’t want to be bothered. Your mother would always come to find you and hide away until your father scolded all three of you for messing around too much. You press your fingers against a loose stone, and it pops out clean and easy. It reveals a small hole within the castle wall, one that your mother had used to store her hunting gear.

It wasn’t exactly a secret, not to your family at least, but it was good for keeping important things concealed. Your brother had stopped coming here when your parents passed, leaving it to be yours and yours alone. Not that you had much use for it anymore either, until now. You’d hidden that pretty staff in there a few days ago along with the bow Epel had gifted you, and your warmest cloak. You pull the items out, appreciating each for a moment, then begin work on your god-awful dress.

First, the ruffly, pastry-esque dress, which comes off easily. The sleeves give you trouble, but not nearly as much as the corset that is suffocating your ribcage. It takes you a few miserable tries to get the knotted bow undone on the wretched thing, but once you do you feel your midsection deflate. Goodness your ribs hurt, you don’t get how your brother does this every day.

The extra petticoat and crinoline are easy, and all that is left is a newly fitted pair of pants and a loose poet shirt with the sleeves cut off. Not the best for hunting, but… you weren’t hunting, so it would work. It was better than the dress.

You fight the dress into the little hole, and with the patience of a saint, you carefully slide the stone back into its place. On the fourth try. Still, it's done, so you give yourself a pat on the back and arrange your other items comfortably across your body. As you emerge from the trees, you peek at the clock. Luckily, it's only half past midnight, but… you are still late. Hopefully, Rook would be kind enough to dismiss your transgression. 

You had no way to let him know you had other things going on tonight, but you were a princess so it should be obvious.

You tip-toe across the palace ground, narrowly dodging a few rotating guards, and finally, you are at your meeting spot. Before Rook, unless he gave up waiting for you. You scoff, what a silly idea. He’s too much of an oddball to give up after a bit of waiting.

This exit is the closest to the forest. It's the same one you and Epel used the night everything got all… messed up. You frown at the vast expanse of trees in front of you. They used to be so inviting – a symbol of freedom. Now they were so scary. There was so much uncertainty surrounding the thing you’d seen in there, and now all you felt when you looked into their branches was confusion. 

You’d never gotten lost in that forest, but boy did you feel like you were now.

You bite the inside of your cheek, looking down at the staff in your hand. You still weren’t sure if this was a good idea, honestly, you doubted it was. Despite the adamant support of your friends and the small leads you’d gotten that motivated you, there was a fear that this was not the right path. If you hadn’t gone into the forest that night, you would’ve remained none-the-wiser about all of this. Vil probably would’ve solved it by himself, albeit probably very underhandedly, and you would be happy. At least… you think you would be.

Something settles on your head, making you jump. You look up to an arm and follow it back to the sly smile that does something unfair to your heart. 

“Pourquoi si triste?” You tilt your head a little, and he steps closer, “Your heart is aching, I can see it in your eyes. What is worrying you so?”

“Not even hello?” you try to joke, but his everpresent smile doesn’t let up, “I’ve never disobeyed my brother like this. Not to this extent. What if I’m doing the wrong thing?”

He ‘tsks’ at you, like you’re a child, wagging his finger disapprovingly, “That’s not an attitude to have, Amour.”

“Could you at least try and see it from my perspective?” You plead, “I’ve spent my whole life doing as I was told, and this is scary.”

He grins at your words, it is somehow still reassuring, “Fear is what makes us grow. Fear brings about much needed change. La peur est le pouvoir.”

“Oh.” You couldn’t argue with that.

He nods his head further from the exit, taking your hands in his and leading you away into the forest. You feel a bit like Romeo and Juliet, though, contextually this is quite different. Still, you are forbidden lovers (could you call him your lover?) sneaking away in the dead of night. You do hope neither of you die tragically, though.

His sharp green eyes, which should be dangerous, ground you from any fear you’d been having about the trees. His hands a physical tether to reality so you do not lose yourself to your overwhelming thoughts. Before you know it, the two of you are at a small clearing, different from the one you and Epel usually use. This one is significantly more oblong and more untouched by mankind.

“So. Magic.” You say after gathering your bearings.

“Yes,” he responds cheerily, “before we begin, have you ever performed any spells at all? Even if it was something small like a levitation spell.”

You nod, “I don’t remember what I was being taught, but I think I used to be able to do very basic spells.”

“May I ask how old you were?” He continues.

“I think… six? Maybe seven?” You answer honestly.

“A very long time,” he hums, “you’ve forgotten most of what you’ve learned.”

“All.” You correct with a laugh. “Sorry, you’ll have to be patient with me.”

He eyes you, and you can’t tell what he’s thinking, but you know it must be mischievous by his response. “More time together, ma belle.”

You manage to fight back the flush that takes over your face and wave your wand menacingly in his direction, forcing the distance you need to calm down. He holds his hands up in defense, still smiling. He was always smiling.

“You brought your staff,” he hums approvingly as if he hadn’t told you to bring it.

“I need it, do I not?” You probe.

“Not necessarily,” he admits with a shake of his head, “performing magic works with or without the wand, but many magicians find it easier to do their jobs when channeling magic through the gems.”

You blink. The gem? You thought all of those were decorative. However, there would be no reason for all wands and staves to have them if that were the case. Still, if it were just the gems, why did you see so many wands and not nearly as many accessories with the gems at the centerpiece? It would be far more efficient, and significantly more pretty. Not to mention easy to hide.

“Think of it like fire,” he continues, “Fire needs a second source to grow strong. It cannot spread unless there is something for it to feed off. In this case, magic is the fire and the gem is the fuel.”

“If that's the case, then how are we able to perform magic without the gem,” you question, face scrunching up in scrutiny.

He finds it cute, judging from his laugh, and explains, “The gem acts as a fuel and a filter. It creates a more steady, controllable stream of magic that's stronger than that created with the bare hands.”

“Like… using a magnifying glass to bend the sunlight?” You try, smiling when he nods approvingly.

“Exactly like that,” he pats your head, and you press him away again with the pointed end of your staff, “Outil. Something we use to make things easier on ourselves.”

It makes sense that even something as fantastical as magic has rules and boundaries. While it is, quite literally, something that is wild it is natural in this world. As a natural product of your world, it must also follow the logic that Twisted Wonderland has pre-established. Magic is not some distant, terrible thing that intends to harm you. It is a discipline, just like history or horse riding.

“So, where do we begin,” you ask, staring at the gem cradled so carefully in the cat's paws, “Is it something we have to build up for?”

“We will start with what feels right,” you cock an eyebrow at him, crossing your arms unimpressed, but he doubles down, “Somethings are easy for some people but difficult for others. Magic is all about doing what feels best for you.”

You flex your jaw as you think, “Like… how some hunters prefer newer guns or crossbows, but others prefer longbows?”

“Precisely, you are very good with analogies, Princess.” He compliments sweet as honey.

“I read a lot. Anyway, how about… a light spell? That seems like a simple one.” 

He hums, moving to position himself behind you. He is somehow warmer than Riddle was, possibly because of the cloak, and significantly larger. He easily rests his chin atop your shoulder as he guides the hand with the staff up and out a few feet away from you.

“Visualize the light coming from the staff,” he commands.

You do as he says, closing your eyes and trying your best to visualize the light in your mind. You can see it, the gem sparkling, and then white light glimmering from between the cat's paws, illuminating the area. You pry open an eye, and there is no light, just your staff pointing up at the sky uselessly.

You nearly give up, but Rook wraps his hand around yours and gives it three gentle taps. You glance up at him, then look back in determination. Maybe closing your eyes wasn’t the call. You muster up the mental image in your head, glaring hard at the gem. There is a tingle in your fingertips after a long moment, and then the tiniest glimmer of light shines.

It’s not even enough to illuminate the area, only the little cat itself, but pride still swells in your chest. You did it. You can do magic. Rook’s arms wrap around you to clap, jovially singing praises. A bit of an overreaction, but you appreciate it nonetheless. 

“It was hardly a spark,” you scoff, despite how excited you are.

“Most beginners can hardly handle that! You did it in one try. You’re a natural.” He’s practically serenading you, not that you’re complaining.

You have to shove yourself out of his arms, which are so firmly holding you in place against his chest, to properly ready yourself again. One success doesn’t mean anything in the long term, but it does help get your hopes up.

“Again,” you say, leaving no room for argument.

·┆✦ʚ♡ɞ✦ ┆·

You stay in the forest for another two hours, repeatedly practicing that light spell until you can both consistently use it and the light is bright enough to guide you through the dark. You can only do the ladder one out of five tries, but it’s still progress! 

By the time Rook is guiding you out of the forest and up to your room, you are too tired to think. Who knew magic was so… draining? It was like any other use of energy, you supposed, but this felt a bit extreme. You were practically being carried by the sly huntsman up the stony stairs of the castle, not that you had any protests.

He was slick enough to get both of you around without raising alarms, and even if you were caught he could come up with several excuses with that silver tongue of his. Goodness, you really should not trust him, should you?

“Ma Cher, are you alright?” He asks though it's very obvious you are not.

Still, you humor him with a smile, “I am very tired. I did not expect that to take so much energy.”

“Poor thing…” he coos, “allow me to help you.”

You go to question, but he’s already slid his arms under your legs, carrying you princess style. You let out a little yelp, which he hushes with a tap on your thigh. If anyone were to pass by now, it would look like the princess is being kidnapped by a wannabe Robinhood. 

“Better?” He asks with all the enthusiasm of a puppy.

You don’t have the energy left to bicker at him, so you sigh, “Much. Thank you, Rook.”

He quietly takes you to the window below your bedroom, the pretty Wisteria climbing up your Trellis a welcoming sight. You had chosen them with your father years ago at the market, and they had been just what you needed to pretty up your favorite spot in the castle. It’s too bad he never got to see them reach the top, he would’ve loved them. Your aching bones are crying for the comfort of your bed, which is so close, but still so far. Just one climb away, but you doubt you could will yourself to do such a thing right now.

You look up to Rook, tilting your head a little, “You don’t mean to make me climb that, do you.”

He smirks, “Of course not. Not in your state. I will climb for the both of us.”

“What.” You say, more of a statement than a question.

Surely he did not mean to tell you he was going to climb up with one free hand. Could he even do such a thing with a person in his arms? You squeak as he adjusts you to be thrown over his shoulder, one arm firmly gripping your legs, and the other climbing up to your balcony. As the ground got further and further away, you became more and more religious, praying that the Seven might have mercy on your weak little heart.

You are jostled and jolted around with each vault up the Trellis, but make it up in one piece. Your heart may have stopped a few times though. When he sets you down inside your room, you place your hand over it and sigh when you feel its thrum against your hand. Calm now, you fixate a glare on him.

“You have no manners,” you scold, arms crossed.

He moves across the room, to your closet, and begins to examine your many nightgowns while ignoring you, “You have many dresses.”

“I’m a princess,” you say as if it was obvious, which it was, “That’s our whole thing.”

He pulls a two set of silken pajamas, your favorite set, out, “You don’t seem to like them much.”

You take the pajamas out of his hands, shove him out, and begin to change. “I do not. Not much, at least.”

“You look beautiful in them,” he compliments, “but you are at your best in your hunting gear.”

You think he means it as a compliment, and you’re not exactly sure what he’s complimenting, but it flatters you regardless, “Thank you. I think so too.”

You smooth over the cool fabric of the pajamas, smiling to yourself. Now these made you feel pretty. They weren’t form fitting, but they weren’t too loose. You felt good, and you felt like you looked good in them. How Rook managed to pick these out was a mystery, but you stepped out and gave him a little spin.

“How do I look in these?” You giggle, facing him.

A wide, almost glowing grin lights up his face, “Magnifique!”

Heat rushes up your face, and you cannot hide your embarrassment, but that doesn’t bother you as much as it should. “Do you like silk, Rook?”

“I do,” he affirms, following you with his eyes as you settle on your bed, “it’s a beautiful fabric. Soft and shimmering.”

“I feel the same way. It makes me feel pretty when I wear it, which is what clothing is meant to do.” You admit, “I wish I could feel this way wearing everything.”

“You are beautiful wearing everything,” he defends as if second nature.

“And you are a flirt,” you laugh, pressing into the plush of your pillows and closing your eyes, “a shameless, strange, admittedly very charming flirt.”

You feel him sit on the opposite of the bed, and you don’t have to see to know he is watching you. The way the hair prickles on the back of your neck is sign enough. This time, though, you do not feel like prey being stalked at dinner. This is… comforting. Like being watched by a guardian angel.

His gentle hands tuck a strand of hair behind your ear, the leather of his gloves rough but comforting all the same. It reminded you, briefly, of your brother coddling you when you were just a little thing. How you missed being just a little thing.

“Rest princesse,” Rook breathes softly as cotton, “you have earned this much.”

Without opening your eyes, you respond with a question, “When will I see you again?”

“I will visit you again in a week,” he assures, fingers trailing over your cheek and leaving goosebumps in their wake.

“I will practice in the meantime,” you finally open your eyes to his adoring smile, “I won’t let you down, I promise you.”

“You have never let me down.” He sighs. You don’t know what that means, or what it implies, or why he would say such a cryptic thing. You are warm and fuzzy inside from it regardless, “Practice with your knights. They will help you.”

You watch him, bewildered, as he moves in a swift motion across the room to the window. You’re not sure how much he knows about you and what happens behind these walls, but you know it’s much more than you’ve told him. It should make you feel sick and gross, but it is nice to be known in the way you know everyone else. It is also nice to not have to know this strange man.

As he perches on your window sill, a familiar sight to you now, you feel an ache in your chest. Is it longing? Desperation, maybe? No, no, this is something else. Its worry. You were worried for him, and you weren’t sure why. You’d seen what he’s capable of – you know what he’s capable of. Still, you can’t help it.

“Be careful,” you call out, voice soft as rain, “please.”

“When have I given you a reason to worry?” he responds with that strange smile of his, and then he is gone from view.

·┆✦ʚ♡ɞ✦ ┆·

The day after the dinner is entirely uneventful, as is the day after that, and then the day after that. It’s all boring proceeding after a tiresome meeting with court officials. Necessary, but entirely too drab. Normally your brother would amuse you, and you him, but since things are tense still that does not happen. It is only on the fourth day that you find yourself interested in something other than your mysterious hunter friend.

Bickering can be heard – well, more like grumbling and gleeful laughing – between the columns of the lower level of the castle. Bored out of your mind, Ace and Deuce are too busy with something involving Riddle, and Epel is still unable to visit you between his workload you decide being nosy is the best option. 

You peak your head around the corner where you hear the commotion, and laugh at the sight. Kalim and his ‘friend’ (servant) Jamil are arguing about Sevens knows. Your little giggle reveals your position and startles the two men, both whipping their heads around to look at you, like terrified deer.

Kalim relaxes into a bright grin when he sees you, stopping his (unintentional) antagonizing to wave and bound over to you. He doesn’t see the glare Jamil levels on him, but he never does. You give Jamil an apologetic smile, which only earns you a glare of your own.

Unlike Kalim, Jamil was not kind. He was rather selfish and cruel, caring more about others' perceptions of him than anything else. Though, you would likely be the same way if your family was on the line. More than that, he hated the ruling class – not that you could blame him. Needless to say, he did not like you when you first met, but you think you can call him a friend now. You’d spent many late nights of Kalim’s visits up talking with him about how broken things were across the lands. He was smart, a nice match to your wit. You think he feels the same.

Kalim pulls you into a tight hug, something he hasn’t had the time to do since arriving. You wrap your arms around him too, sighing at the physical affection. Kalim was, among the other future rulers, your dearest friend. Unlike Jamil, you didn’t have to question that, and unlike your other suitors, you knew that he had no hidden motive. He was Kalim, your friend, and that was all he or you needed or wanted.

“It’s good to finally see you, Kalim,” you say as he pulls away, “and you too Jamil. I didn’t know you came with.”

“I’ve been busy herding people around,” Jamil groans, approaching, “Your brother loves free workers.”

“You look tired,” Kalim worries, ignoring Jamil’s complaints as always. You have no idea how Jamil puts up with that.

“I am tired,” you confirm, “I’ve been very busy the past few weeks, this is my first free day.”

“We’ve heard,” Jamil says dryly, “your birthday outburst was a sight to behold.”

You sigh, “I think my reaction was reasonable enough.”

“I’d be pretty scared if Malleus Draconia just… approached me like that,” Kalim admits while rubbing his neck, “especially if he were claiming me as his significant other. I probably wouldn’t have, y’know, yelled at him though.”

“The yelling was so I wouldn’t cry,” you admit, “I was just so heated.”

“Well, it’s over now,” Jamil states with finality, “he hasn’t bothered you since, right?”

“Thank the Seven,” you laugh, “I don’t know if I could keep myself together if he claims me as his partner again.”

“At least you’d live a cushy life with him. Anything you want, probably tons of delicious food,” Kalim muses, “I wonder what kind of food they have in the Valley of Thorns…”

“I’d rather not find out, thanks.” You chuckle, “What are the two of you up to, though? Anything fun?”

“No,” Jamil answers dryly, “We’ve done everything there is to do already, there’s no fun left here.”

“Imagine living here then,” you huff.

“No thank you,” Jamil responds quickly, “I’d rather not be around your brother more than necessary.”

Kalim frowns, clearly in disagreement, “Vil isn’t so bad. He’s just… uptight.”

“And pushy,” Jamil adds coldly.

“Reminds me a bit of a friend of mine…” You muse with a smile, eyes glancing over Kalim.

It takes him a second to get the hint, but once he does, he visibly flusters. “I’m not that bad!”

“So you admit Vil is bad,” Jamil smirks.

You can tell Kalim can’t handle the teasing, so you pat him on the back lightly. He takes it all well, smiling as though it never happened. You missed them quite a bit, not having seen them since Kalim’s last birthday party. Even then, he was so busy entertaining others, that you were mostly alone with your brother the whole time.

“I can’t believe it’s been so long,” you sigh.

Jamil raises an eyebrow, but Kalim is the one to ask, “So long since what?”

“Since we’ve talked like this,” you force out, throwing your hands up, “It felt like we were all strangers for a while.”

“We’re not little kids anymore,” Jamil answers, ever the cynic he is, never one to wistfully long for the old days. Not that they were too pleasant for him. “We’ve all got responsibilities now, there's no time to sit and talk anymore.”

“It’s nice to do that sometimes, though.” Kalim argues, “It’s okay to take breaks and catch up with friends, so long as you still get things done.”

You nod along, but you doubt Jamil feels the same way. He’s not allotted the same things as both you and Kalim, whether or not Kalim notices this fact. “You are right, but not everyone is afforded that grace. I know my townspeople aren’t, at least very rarely. We’re very privileged to be allowed to complain about this at all.”

The look on their faces is nearly unreadable, and you feel a little worried you’d upset them, but Kalim grins that sweet grin of his. Bright as sun. “Your people are lucky to have someone like you.”

“No. I’m nothing special,” you dismiss, “You are a blessing to your people. Everyone in the Scalding Sands speaks so fondly of you, I wish I could be adored like that.”

“Y’know, I used to wish I was half as considerate as you are,” he starts, “but then I just wouldn’t be me. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, and as much as my people love me, I know I’m kinda oblivious and selfish without trying. That doesn’t change the fact that I’m beloved, it just makes me flawed, and that's okay too.”

“Woah,” you say surprised. Kalim waxing poetry was not common, in fact, it never happens. He hates poetry, “Where did you get that from?”

Jamil throws his hands up, “Wasn’t from me.”

“Surely not,” you roll your eyes, “you’re not the kind to forgive flaws in others.”

He scowls at you, but makes no move to deny that fact.

“What I’m saying is,” Kalim laughs, taking your hands in his. They are warm like summer days spent rolling around in flower fields and jumping into creeks, “You should stop comparing yourself to everyone else here. You’re amazing. I mean, that speech you gave at dinner was- Even Leona seemed impressed!”

“Thank you, Kalim,” you say, genuinely thankful to hear it.

“If you two are finished courting each other,” Jamil interrupts, “Kalim is due to a meeting with some traders from the Scalding Sands in about an hour. If we want to be there in time, we’ll have to leave now.”

“Awwww,” Kalim whines, slumping over like a child, “do we have to.”

“It’s important. Your father will have my head if I don’t get on you about it.”

“But I want to talk with the Princess longer,” he continues to argue, which makes you smile a little too wide.

“Go, it’s important,” you urge, “you’ll be here a while longer, so we can talk other times.”

He pouts at you but doesn’t argue further, reluctantly allowing Jamil to pull him along. You give him a little wave, and Jamil a thumbs up, though he doesn’t seem to appreciate the gesture. 

As you watch them, you consider what Kalim said about you carefully. You had been feeling so helpless recently with everything on your plate, but you were not weak in the slightest. You would just have to readjust those strengths to work in your favor now. You’d already begun to do so, negotiating with Riddle and Leona, sneaking around with Rook, and researching with Ace and Deuce. 

Perhaps you were less helpless than you thought you were. That was scarier than being helpless.

[hahahahawk]

The Wretch

(Way of Kings re-read)

((Between re-reads I forget how slow Shallan’s story is in this book. Why isn’t she poisoned yet?))

Storms, how on the nose is it that Kaladin is climbing down into a dark chasm rn? 🤣

As soon as Teft says “journey before destination” I tear up. This is re-read behavior, but it’s the same corny rush of feeling as when someone in a movie or TV show says the name of whatever you’re watching. “AH! We’ve reached the thesis!”

Sigzil brings the whole litany, but it’s Teft that kicks it off. The subtlety is incredible. I’m over here getting swept up in the emotion of knowing everything this unlocks, and Bridge Four is swept up discussing the legends of the lost Radiants, and Teft is playing innocent (“I didn’t bring them up, I just heard this saying once”).

In the moment you completely overlook TEFT FUCKING KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING. Fucking firemoss addict leaving BREADCRUMBS for his dense-as-mud bridge leader.

Teft’s patience is legendary. Motherfucking ice king. He’s using trickle-truth for good‽‽

I’m sure some of his caution is uncertainty, but I think most of it is knowing that Kaladin has to find Radiance in himself, rather than having Radiance thrust upon him.

Syl, on the other hand, I believe that when she says “I like that [journey before destination] saying” doesn’t quite remember that it’s part of her.

Kal stumbles into the darkness with only a sliver of sky visible overhead. It’s nice that it’s described as a ribbon, calling up a connection to one of the forms Syl takes.

One more important bit, then some random reactions under the cut.

In her talk with Kaladin in the dark, Syl counters one of his despairing thoughts with “maybe you’re right. so what?”

That technique is something I’ve found very important with my own mental health struggles over the years. Even before discovering the Cosmere, I adopted a similar form of self-talk to help me with the burden of my own existence. It has helped to reframe thoughts such as “nobody cares about me” from having the subtext of “so why should I do anything?” to the more positive subtext of “so I can do what I want without worrying what others think of me”

I’ve adopted “so what?” into a form of mental judo that lifts the burden of my thought patterns from being negative to being neutral. I stop trying to contradict my internal bully—not to internalize what it’s saying—just stop arguing, save my energy. It lets me spend more time and attention on the things I can accomplish. Moving forward, step by step. Or just giving myself the grace to rest.

Other notes from this chapter—

+ it’s interesting to me that Kal still hyped his spear skills up so much. In my experience, a self-pity loop of despair usually comes with devaluing one’s own abilities. This reader doth project too much?

+ Syl “choosing” the moment of climbing the ladder down into the chasm to have such clear memories of both her past and Kaladin’s. I know it’s her bond with him that brings back her self-ness, but there’s something about his (metaphorical) dark place that seems to urge her to focus, get more concentrated and *real* as she chases him.

+ Teft is the first to light his torch when Bridge Four reaches the chasm floor, and Kaladin lights his torch from Teft’s. 🥹 I’m sure this is another case of “it’s not foreshadowing, it’s just practical”, but Teft having what Kal needs twice in this chapter is hard to overlook.

+ I lol’d when in a chapter called “the wretch”, someone throws up, and Sando says “wretched”. As if that was the turning point.

+ Lopen’s absence is conspicuous, but understandable. Rock is plenty of comic relief for this chapter. Or do they not make a one armed Herdazian climb up and down a ladder?

+ Scar: Should we just let the voidbringers steal our hearts? Maybe they’re just misunderstood

Me: (💖Rlain 💖)

+ I really like that Kaladin finds a rock, then “tangentially” thinks about Tien, leaving it up to the reader to remember Tien’s love for rocks. It also allows Kal to drop the rock (realistic) instead of clinging to it and trying to make it a symbol (melodramatic)

[sorblr]

(long overdue) intro post !!

putting everything underneath so that it's not much to scroll past if you just want to see my posts ♡

𝐁𝐀𝐒𝐈𝐂𝐒

𝐧𝐚𝐦𝐞/𝐧𝐢𝐜𝐤𝐧𝐚𝐦𝐞 :

sorbet, or sorb, or anything with sorb at the start or bet at the end, i have lots of nicknames i've been called but there are some memorable ones like sorberry, sorboba, sorbbg, and sorbetti spaghetti

𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐬 :

they/them

i consider myself genderless, except considering i'm ok with feminine terms(?) and i'm a lesbian, i might be more along the lines of demigirl

𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐬 (𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲) :

art: #sorbeat (as in eat not beat 😭) sorbart was taken </3 so we must eat instead

random/text: #yapbet

𝐌𝐎𝐑𝐄

𝐝𝐧𝐢

racists, xenophobes, transphobes, homophobes, yk the whole group of prejudiced people just get outtttt, proshippers, zoophiles, pedos, yk the dni criteria

+ people who don't tolerate others just because of their hobbies (i'm looking extra hard at the people who hate furries), like as long as someone is causing no harm to others, idgaf how 'cringe' they may be and if you do you're just a haterrrrrrrrrrrrrrr 🗣🗣🗣

𝐛𝐲𝐟 (𝐟𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐨𝐰 𝐨𝐫 𝐛𝐞𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝 𝐢𝐝𝐦)

- my dms are always open!! if you want to start a convo about any random thing i'll be here to listen to you yap/yap with you

- i only speak english </3 too stupid + indecisive to learn a new language just yet

- i struggle starting conversations even with people who i think are really cool, like doing so much as commenting makes me so nervous (idk why??), but if you initiate interaction w/ me i'll respond w/ enthusiasm ♡

- typically i mirror the energy of whoever i'm talking to

- although i like evil little wretch characters i draw the line at s/a and like yk. being a nonce, i want to specify it cause a lot of the time when i like a character the other fans tend to have questionable morals/questionable hcs, and i want it to be super clear i am NOT one of those people

- i'm an adult (18 i just joined the club) so if that scares you off feel free to unfollow/block/avoid!! i don't do nsfw art or anything but i'm sure there's minors here who don't want to be near adults

- similar to above, if it's not in your bio or anything and you wanna like dm/befriend me or something PLS let me know whether or not you're a minor - i don't really act too differently depending on whether you are or not, i just want to be mindful ig????

𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐨𝐦 𝐬𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐟𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐬

- i like tons of diff types of music, so i'll probably like whatever you'd recommend/show me, but atm i'm madly in love with dadaroma and machine girl

- I LOVE GAP MOEEE i love pink cute stuff i love horror i love cute girls i love whatever the fuck secco is etc etc i love when scary characters are cute and cute characters are scary etc.

- my posts are 99.999% jjba but i like other stuff too

- i read a lot and i also read fics but likeeeee i'm sort of picky with them so i don't read as often as i want to :,)

- i have a million ocs and 2 jojo oc ideas cooking in my brain, i do a lot of art that isn't fanart i just don't post it on tumblr (or anywhere other than discord if you count the silly doodles)

- i love junji ito

- i like when people make fanart of characters in styles that would suit them and just likeeeee unconventional weird stuff ig?? idrk

𝐟𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐨𝐦𝐬

- jjba (main one)

- mouthwashing

- jjk but only for mahito so i stopped watching towards the end of the 2nd season 😭

- creepypasta was my childhood

- death note

- lots more that i'm forgetting + will add later i cba rn

𝐬𝐨𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐥𝐬

i'm likeee revamping socials atm so like. most don't have posts yet

cara: sorbette

artfol: sorbette

bluesky: sorbette.bsky.social

insta: sorbet_xz

discord: sorbet_xz (just lmk you're from tumblr if you friend me)

[roboraindrop]

Honestly I'm thinking a little too much about kissing Grima rn

Like,,,, he'd be so hesitant. He isn't used to being loved. Before me, anyone who had gotten close to him had done it to hurt him, to mock him. But now, with his lips so close to mine...

His heart is still full of fear, to be sure. When will the other shoe drop? When will I reveal that it's all been a joke and rip everything he had been hoping for away from him? Poor Grima, always beaten and yelled at, never treated tenderly. Why? Why would anyone treat him tenderly? He is a snake. A liar. A wretch with a tongue of forked silver, not to be trusted.

But when he looks into my eyes, he doesn't see that reflected. No, when he looks into my eyes all he sees... Is love. A genuine openness. Proof positive that he could be the worst traitor in the world and I would still find reason to look upon him tenderly. I don't see a worm when I look at him. I see a man who has been hurt, who wants connection, who fears he will never be more than his crimes. I see a man who is worth redemption.

When I lean in, he almost pulls back at first. Maybe he even flinches away. Then he feels the delicate touch of my hand against his face, the soft embrace acting as a promise that it is okay. He can drop his walls. He can let me in.

It's when our lips finally meet that everything melts away and he knows... He knows that he will be okay.