#and it's a good reminder for my ADHD
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#dearmodern#dear modern#feng shui#fix it#I love these shorts of his#he's so sweet and uplifting#and it's a good reminder for my ADHD#don't stress out...fix it!#Slowly but surely my office has become my space and it's getting more well decorated and more homey and makes more sense#and I'm less frustrated at chaos and boring white walls#Frustrated? FIX IT
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when your main characters start dating after years of writing so they finally get to be like this
#rare WIP preview from me#this is in like. 10 episodes. lmfao#its been really hard working this far ahead#my editor isnt giving me any feedback and my friends are very busy so it's felt quite lonely#which is fine! for my friends I mean. but its my editors job to give me feedback...#but the webtoon editors are extremely extremely extremely overworked and my series is set to end so I understand its low priority#its not her fault its webtoons fault. however. its still demotivating...#oh well l m a o#I should be much further ahead ngl LMFAO I want like 12 done but I come back in 2 weeks.#we'll see#when I get really stressed out I go full gamer mode#and usually I'll sink like 60 hours (like 5 days) into a game and then I'm good and move on#but this recent game that grabbed me is. its too much actually#bit uncontrollable ngl I think its an ADHD thing I mostly have just quit playing videogames at all#cause its like yeah being stressed cause theres too much work to do is not going to be helped by losing a week and a half to a game...#and yet.#anyways the game is satisfactory#my friend bought it for me and we've been playing together#and our shared file has. 100 hours on it. and we still havent beaten the game#we're close to beating it and it's not like we're rushing or anything#cause its fun to fuck around and zap eachother or whatever#but it's got me doing math. the exact kind of math I love to do. optimization#and its reminding me yeah in another life id have been an engineer#I'm glad I'm an artist but its always weird like yeah this is easily a path I could have gone down#'artists hate math' speak for yourself doing math calms me down! I love math!#I love math and I love business. I'm almost the perfect artist but I hate advertising so. we can't have it all#anyways theyre so fucking cute its sickening. I love them so much. I could cry#WIP#lineart#time and time again
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Cool awesome reminder that you don’t need amazing technical skill to be a good artist/storyteller
#I still compare myself to other people but also like. Damn. What if I don’t need to#That’s literally what working with other people is for . so you can fill in for eachother and make an awesome thing :)#Reminder that Toby Fox is not a skilled visual artist LOL he makes concept art in mspaint#Ik He’s more of a composer / character writer but you know what I mean. He works with other people to bring those ideas to life#You don’t have to be good at everything !!#Txt#art#I say this because rendering pieces of art takes me dozens of hours and it’s literally so much work and I hate it sometimes#Ok then make a simple stylistic choice instead of doing a giant painting !! it will still carry the same or maybe even greater impact#I still want to make awesome giant beautiful pieces of art (illustration) but alas I don’t have infinite energy#I usually only make sketches instead and that doesn’t mean they’re unfinished. Maybe that’s just all they’re meant to be#Until I change my mind at least 🩷#Adhd#Honestly anything that gets your idea across is good enough. Depends on the idea
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god forbid the person i become if someone or something prevents me from writing tomorrow... i have an itch i can not scratch. if i don't write i will get hives. you know like when you're hungry and you don't know it yet and you get so bitchy and then you eat and you're like "ohhhh that's what it was" that's me but with writing. they try to stop me and i will bite them
#this is about the potential adhd#but mostly about the sheer amount of shit I've had to do this week#erinwantstowrite#living up to my username#in other news my goddaughter slept through the night for the first time ever#gotta put smth good on this post so i can remind myself to be chill#and nothing is more good than my beautiful angel sunshine goddaughter#she's literally perfect and can do no wrong#you wish your kids were as amazing as mine#leap of faith ao3#anyways chapter 16 is coming soon and by soon i mean by next week or i will scream#chapters 16 and 17 do not forsake me
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im so glad im not the only person that looks at seungmin and goes "❓tism❓" bc he is Way Too Relatable to me as a person w autism
yeah..... like I say it in jest but also..... well, yk. sometimes you notice something and you notice something and you notice something and you go Hmmmm
#enby-peep#lol its funny for me personally bc i see a lot of stuff that reminds me of my cousins daughter........ and shes autistic#but everyone in our family constantly and my cousin especially is like Shes you. You are her. Youre so alike.#So you were autistic and that explains your childhood#and i was like Um. I dont know :) i dont know........ i refused it and then i went to the psych for my adhd#he was like 🤨 can you fill out these sheets... and it was to see if i was hitting the markers#and i was hitting them. I was hitting them out the park but i also knew exactly what to answer... not to hear it#so i just answered it... incorrectly to myself. anyway that was 3 yrs ago and i still go ???? why did you lie ??? wtf#so. maybe my seungmin commentary is sometimes a commentary on myself also#but its the same reason being sent to therapy as a teenager didnt work on me bc i knew exactly what to say to be#told what i wanted to hear- youre a mature smart young woman- youre good. id just lie to hear that even if it wasnt actually helpful#and i succeeded. Im a great actress. i didnt want help i wanted to be perceived as normal and i was for a minute. incorrectly.#and probably negatively maybe if i didnt lie i'd be different now but I did and I did it again 3 yrs ago but..... I think ive finally left#idk. my weird obsession with being 'normal' behind- i dont follow the script as much as i did before and im much more honest about how i am#this is an insane set of tags LMAO#so sorry#i dont talk about this stuff often and its An Anniversary today i accidentally used this ask as an emotional dumping ground#some people have journals (seungmin) i have tags on a tumblr post#peace and love on planet earth
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I overshare online because I need constant validation that every thought and action of mine is Good and Okay and Normal. Surely this is a healthy coping mechanism
#something I'm trying to work through#comes from a hard mixture of autism (not knowing if what im doing is Normal behavior)#OCD (guilt loops that last for days weeks months on end)#ADHD (rejection sensitive dysphoria)#being raised christian (always being reminded that bad thoughts and actions will send you to hell)#and trauma from being heavily monitored as a teenager (very used to having every thought & action over-analyzed)#i have a constant craving for validation because of all of those things#which leads me to being a very self-absorbed person#i feel like if people aren't consistently telling me that im a good person then i must be horrible#im putting my emotional work onto others when i do that#making it THEIR responsibility to make me love myself#it's not healthy for you or anyone around you#you can't truly improve yourself if you're always relying on other people to verify whether or not you're okay#especially since everyone has different opinions & biases#if you never learn how to validate yourself you become completely reliant on others#and if you lose that outside validation everything will fall apart#even though i know these things i still haven't broken out of the habit#but that's another thing you have to give yourself grace for#you can't expect yourself to instantly adhere to new expectations#so you're gonna be hypocritical at times#you can't hate youself for that either it takes time to break habits#you need to find the line between self criticism and self hatred#love yourself Or Else. literally.#.bdo
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You ignore some asks?
Not generally! (unless it's just pointless hate/an anti yapping, in which case sometimes I answer for a quick dunk if it's stupid enough to be funny, but most of the time I prefer to not glorify that kind of message with an answer and just block the anon/account.) If it seems like I'm not answering an ask, I either didn't get it, or I couldn't formulate an answer right away/needed some time to think on what to say, and thus am saving it for when I'm gonna be able to answer properly!
#asks#also im just bad at online communication tbh#friendly reminder that just because the internet lets you be virtually always available you don't HAVE to be if you don't want to/are busy#also i like to leave some breathing air for posts when i do post! so if i've gotten an ask very soon before i planned to post something#or soon after i'll probably wait regardless until it's been at least a day/a couple days since the post#also ALSO unfortunately adhd gets in the way and sometimes i do straight up just forget to answer when id fully planned to fkjghfkd#really sorry about that one ive been trying to be better abt it my whole life#if you're the anon who asked about my hcs i'm working on it!!!! its just taking me a Hot Min to formulate a coherent answer#believe it or not im really not that good with words its why i draw instead lol#can get the message much better across with an image rather than blubbering my way through a run in ass sentence#either way if you've sent something and havent answered really sorry! like i said i either didnt get it or am working on it#etc etc etc
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i will literally NEVER learn my lesson and will continue signing up for classes super late so that i can't get into the ones that i need
#i have to take statistics but i totally missed the boat on the one for BIOLOGY STUDENTS#so i gotta take general statistics concurrently as a prerequisite for these OTHER classes that i'm taking#even tho it totally doesn't count and i'll still need to take the right one later#grr#good reminder to actually get my adhd medicated bc last semester was really really hard on me#i cannot keep going like this fr i hate having adhd LMFAO
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I recognize a lot of ADHD symptoms in Nightheart too.
The thinking everyone hates him is a big thing, taking rejection harder than it should be,
You're right... the Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria... I am Nightheart's therapist and I am slapping him with so many mental illnesses.
#ALSO FOR THE RECORD I DONT HAVE BPD#I just have people I love who do#And take a sincere and adoring interest in how their minds work#I do have ADHD though. Recently diagnosed.#But I've known my entire life.#But anyhow#I just like BPD I think it's neat. It reminds me of people I love. And loved. It's so demonized and I hope that I can help ppl understand#It's just an emotional regulation disorder. There is no 'bad person' disease.#People with BPD can be good or bad.#Btw I plan to do this with NPD too at some point. I did a leetle research and know where to start now#But I haven't picked a cat to get it#And I have personal close experience with BPD so like. That's why it comes up so much. I feel confident in how I portray it#And I get super good feedback from people who have BPD so I think I'm doing good#Also inside joke lmao; Bird Perception Disorder#Because for SOME REASON I keep using birds as a BPD metaphor#And partner found that hilarious#The birds are being perceived#bone babble
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being someone who craves connection while my toxic trait is self-isolation and avoidance is so cruel
#like yes it’s from ✨trauma✨ but god dammit i am TIRED#i’m sure the adhd doesn’t fucking help either#i’ll have one or two good days where i’m talkative and responsive and then…#my brain just randomly decides to shut down and there’s nothing i can do about it#which then makes people think i’m disinterested in what they’re saying which couldn’t be further from the truth#and the holidays don’t help bc i’m just reminded of what i don’t have#ignore me i’m just venting#personal
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There’s not enough discourse in the paranormal fandom about those of us who are such space cases that we could walk into the kitchen and find all the chairs stacked on top of the table in a manner that defies physics and either a) not notice, or b) notice and think, huh, I don’t remember doing that - maybe it was the cat?
#that poll reminded me of this#like good luck trying to haunt me with strange noises and shadows and so on#a shadow person could do the Macarena in my living room at 3am and it would just#blend into the background noise of golden girls on the tv#I have long wanted to write a story where a person lives in a haunted house#but they are adhd and also middle aged and tired#so they don’t notice the haunting#and the ghost who had been haunting this place for like hundreds of years#just does not know how to deal with this so they get really invested in the haunting#and the paranormal activity just steadily escalates to the point of absurdity#the main character will walk into a room and see shit like#‘get out!!’ scribbled on the walls in blood and be like#‘… uh. the fuck?’#and the ghost will be like ‘FINALLY JESUS CHRIST IVE BEEN TRYING TO GET YOUR ATTENTION FOR A YEAR AND A HALF’#and the narrator will be like ‘…. so are you gonna clean this or? bc I’m not losing my security deposit’#and the ghost is like ‘oh yeah sorry about that - the economy amirite?’#and the narrator is like ‘you have no idea’ and the ghost is like ‘yeah I do I’ve seen how you live’#anyway#this has been a quality post#paranormal#the Charlotte Lennox diaries#adhd artichoke
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wondering why im so fucking sleepy for no reason then remembered I forgot to take my meds for 3 days
#how did i live in this world unmedicated like#i have always been this sleepy and tired all the time i just thought it was a personal flaw#taking adhd meds actually made me so#idk when i first had it i coulsnt stop telling my friends how awesome it was to be awake#its like theres no longer a heavy cloud over my consciousness 80% of the time#i could actually read books without dozing off it was amazing ..#so why did i forget...idk i just forgot. i have the forgot disorder#tbh a few months ago id know if i forgot my meds bc I'd just suddenly get sleepy in the middle of the day#these few days i just attributed it to academic stress and lack of sleep and what not but it only just occured to me like#uh#5 min ago#that this is how i feel without medication#cool. cool. i forgot about my brain condition and accidentally slept my whole morning away instead of writing my reports#its actually crazy to me that i need external influences to function normally like i need my awake pills#caffeiene doesnt even do shit for me#i need my stupid fucking cocaine#sorry im just angry at myself again for 1)wasting away hours being sleepu#2)forgot my meds made me remember my debuff. a reminder that i cant ever be normal#adhd is fun except when its not fun then. it fucking sucks#its only good for yapping
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"santa doesn't bring presents if your room isnt clean" is something i heard as a kid and still try to abide by (whether or not im celebrating the holiday) & i'd like to invite y'all to join in on the tradition! december 24th is Clean Your Room Day to ME & it can be to u too!!
#btw the logic there was ''if santa sees all your toys out he'll think u don't need any more or dont have room for any more''#especially for a day that's big on gift giving it's good to make room (espec as a kid) for new things that might be coming in#this being said: i mentioned this to my mom once and she had no idea what i was talking about#i feel like she said it once or twice light-heartedly and i Know she never followed up by Not giving me gifts if my room#/wasnt/ clean but like. its the thought that counts skcjksjf#i also say all this as someone who very much Needs regularity and traditions and reminders of when to do things#adhd brain wil'in' out Always#happy holidays 2024 my loves#merry christmas eve#santa#.txt#maria is literally just rambling. hi#cleaning
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my phone is poisoning me i need to put it down
#idk why my adhd suddenly magnified by like 1000x in the past week but i Need to fix myself until this semester is over#guys if im a little less active than usual on here its bc im trying to be a good girl and live my life#<- don’t worry though because it wont work and im terrible at that#but please cheer me on and remind me to get the hell off of this site when im on here 😭#i wanna practice good study habits and i need to study ahead early for my finals agghhh#it just sucks bc im so tired of taking notes man. why am i spending an hour typing shit i won’t remember about a topic i don’t need to know#anyway this is a bit of a vent post i guess#im just starting to feel worse catholic guilt over my tumblr addiction bc finals week
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dating an art student was so crazy I'm just thinking abt that one birthday I had where my ex got me stickers from the etsy of the person they were cheating on me with....
#they made them address the thank you note to me and everything ajskfjfkfb. i didnt know they were cheating at the time but wow...#every time i break out my sticker collection and see them im reminded of it. but i cant throw out the stickers theyre deltarune ones 😭#like they were a rly cool artist.... just unfortunate that happened 💀#the drama was insane. my ex only wanted to sleep with them but they (other person) wanted them to break up with me so they could date#but my ex dumped them rly harshly for suggesting that i guess 'romantic' cheating was a step too far even for them lmaooo#i heard abt their breakup secondhand and god could they be cruel sometimes. they made fun of the sex theyd had w them#to all their mutual friends n everything i actually felt so bad for the other person when i found out. at least our breakup wasnt that bad#i only finally got that cruel side of them directed towards me like a year after when they wanted us to stop being friends#but yeah. its also funny in a way bc my ex only suggested i had adhd bc the other person did too + struggled a lot with rsd#which i guess they found out when they broke up with them. and then looked at that and thought huh my gf is kind of similar...#and this was like. 2 years before i even considered i had adhd myself and sought diagnosis ahdkfidjcjdjfjfjfkdbfnf#this made me go look the other persons art page up on instagram + then i recognised some of their friends/flatmates art pages and i found#their (my exs that is) grad year film which is still being shown at animation festivals... good for them good for them#i dont think they have an art page themselves tho cuz they were always v shy and weird abt sharing art on social media#like everyone else except them is tagged on things... shame i wouldve liked to see what they were making now. even if we're not friends#also one of their old roommates made some REALLY similar squid game fanart to mine like a month after i posted it huh..#not mad abt it or anything i think its cool i just didnt realise they showed my art to their friends. thats cute#ah this was years ago anyway. getting my head out of the rabbit hole#im gonna go play some elden ring and then maybe do smth fun in my sketchbook we shall seeee#.diaries
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uwu rawr this is my lore if you even care <3
so theres this guy. ive known him for over a year and we got along really well from the moment we met. long story short i fell in love with him. and it happened on accident. we were friends and i catch feelings for him but never get confirmation if he did or didnt feel the same.
heres the long story lol. we were really good friends like we both lived on campus so we hung out everyday between work and classes. we texted and called every goddamn day. we always met up when we had time. i remember feeling the desperation in a text he sent quickly followed by a call insisting he had time after a meeting to hang out and have dinner together. we even started a club together JUST TO BE ABLE TO HANG OUT MORE AND IN NICER VENUES!!! we just wanted a club where we could play jackbox games and watch movies and shows together. im telling yall he was so ideal. ive never felt so safe with someone before. i even introduced him to the solar car club at our university so we could be on the media and marketing team together. god we were almost inseparable. and he acted different when it was just us vs us with other people. he was clearly very comfortable with me. he would even tease me! he loved getting a reaction out of me. and we would laugh until our sides were sore or we were dying on the floor. we were such good friends and at some point i caught feelings.
we did so much together in the span of almost 4 months. i was having trouble with school due to the death of my grandfather, loss of my job, and being placed in 3 classes i already took at my community college (i was a transfer student). i was expected to do more than i should and felt punished for not knowing all the right channels to go through to get shit done. i felt so tired of the bullshit i didnt think a degree would be worth it at that specific university. but i didnt want to leave my friend. i had a lot of friends but this one in particular was special. this was my newest best friend who i spend countless hours with. he knew i was making the choice to drop out after that semester. the signs were clear he was going to miss me. he hugged me like it was the last time he was gonna see me. he doesnt like hugging and i can remember that embrace like it happened yesterday. i did not want to leave him. i loved him. so what do i do? i give him a card saying thank you for the memories and go no contact on him for 8 fucking months. i got over the worst depression of my life because i missed him so fucking much AND i felt like a failure for wasting my time and money on a school that clearly didnt care for me. i was going to CAPS almost once a week even when i was a student.
anyway. i get over the depression. i pick myself back up. i make great friends through the smiling friends fandom. i meet someone who sounds and laughs like my friend. what are the fucking chances. i am encouraged by new friends to reach out to my uni friend. i take my time but i finally do it. i reconnect with other friends and they encourage me too to call the friend ive been missing the most. and…he doesnt pick up. i want to cry. i feel like a failure again. but i think “maybe he called back?” HE DID. AND I MISSED IT! ACK! so i call him back. he picks up. we say our hellos and how are yous. i apologize for the radio silence and say i thought he hated me. he says “no no no no no no i dont hate you dont even worry about it.” im in love again. and the gentleness of his tone? are you fucking kidding me? we talk for like an hour and then i finally let him go to finish packing before he moves back in. i see him the day he moves in and i meet his parents for the 2nd time. after that we start hanging out again but a little too often. we set up proper boundaries after i have a mental breakdown bc he is the only one of my friends from last year that actually missed me and wanted to see me again. he said he wanted to see me again.
the last time i saw him was september 8. i was escorted off campus on the 9th and the 11th due to depressive episodes during both incidents (undiagnosed and unmediated at the time). i was institutionalized from the 14th to the 19th. i still havent seen my friend. i am officially banned from campus and i miss my good friend everyday. i wrote poetry about him that i may never share. i love him. i always will. what sucks is so many things remind me of him. i feel sick when i get reminded of him because i cannot physically be near him and i just miss him that fucking much. i’m hopeless. but i do think i will see him again even if it is not soon. its killing me to wait to see him again. fuck my stupid baka life. god i miss that goober!
#yap tag#i prommy that i loved him only in a platonic sense until idk 2 1/2 or 3 months?#we saw each other every day so getting to know his lore was easy#we always had so much to talk about#and if we weren’t talking we were laughing for hours my god he was funny#he actually noticed i was acting different and very sweetly suggested i see my psychiatrist#ive been needing to get evaluated and turns out im bipolar#still waiting on adhd diagnosis tho but it can wait for now#he laughed more often after we reconnected this year#i miss this goober and still no contact from him even tho ive texted and called AND HE SAID I CAN WTF DUDE IM BANNED FROM UR SCHOOL#he still one of my fave adhd having friends#ive NEVER connected with someone so fast and we didn’t even need to trauma bond! our personalities just work really well together ig#he said i reminded him of some of his good friends from high school#i just want to see him again :[#it makes me so sadge i cant be with him rn
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