#if you never learn how to validate yourself you become completely reliant on others

[tittyinfinity]

I overshare online because I need constant validation that every thought and action of mine is Good and Okay and Normal. Surely this is a healthy coping mechanism

[thevirgodoll]

How to get over someone when they are the only person around and you are literally lonely and alone without theirs presence? Or just how to not tie my happiness with a person? I’m really not doing good

It’s actually not as bad as you think to depend on yourself. Being self reliant means you can depend on yourself and as a result, other people will find you more pleasing to be around.

You have to become comfortable in your own skin and learn how to stop being emotionally dependent. If you’ve been in codependent relationships and friendships, this may be why you have thought 100% reliance on another person was healthy.

No friend or partner should complete you. You are a complete person with complete attributes, and so is another person. They should simply add to your life. That is it.

It’s not good to rely on another person for guidance, reassurance, and clarification all of the time. Doing so objectifies them and makes them a tool that can fix your every problem.

1. You are responsible for your own feelings.

No one else is responsible for what you feel. You have to take accountability. It’s not anyone’s job to serve happiness to you on a platter.

Letting someone else’s actions control your every mood is a recipe for disaster. It can make one thing the other person does ruin your entire day. You’re giving your power to another person, and this will follow you in every friendship and relationship if you do not take accountability for your own problems.

2. You are responsible for your own growth.

A marker of growth is introspection. The ability to self reflect is crucial to your growth, and if you are looking to other people to validate everything for you, you may never get where you want to go. You have to discover yourself on your own terms, and by feeding into another person, you don’t have time for yourself.

You’re the only you you’ll ever have, so to waste time projecting your desires and dreams onto someone else is futile. Other people have their own needs to fulfill. You have to reframe your relationship with other people and yourself. The expectations you have created with other people is quite unrealistic, because it’s not another person’s job to be everything for you.

3. People don’t owe you everything.

You have to learn that we aren’t inherently owed anything in life. People don’t owe you a response when you deem fit, for example. They have their own lives, and you have yours as well.

On another note, people change, and can become incompatible. No one inherently owes you anything, except respect and decency.

You have to be appreciative of things and people in your life and understand that every moment is valuable. This appreciation should never morph into idolization.

You have to learn to look inward for solutions, because you know yourself best. Over time, you should know how to solve your own problems, and you should know to look at yourself first.

Blaming other people will never lead you to a positive outcome, because you’ll be waiting for them to give you the perfect solution. Instead of waiting for someone else to show up for you, you have to show up for yourself and validate yourself.

4. Loving yourself is not a waste of time.

A waste of time is worrying about everyone else and what they’re doing. Most people are too busy with their own lives. You do not want to be emotionally dependent for the rest of your life, because you do not love yourself enough. By being emotionally dependent, your needs aren’t met and you fail to meet them as well.

You need to practice these things:

•understanding your needs and how you can meet them

•pampering yourself

•inspiring yourself

•embracing solitude and embracing self reflection

•allowing yourself to be vulnerable with yourself, free of judgment

•be compassionate with yourself

•know the difference between realistic desires and unrealistic desires

•learn to recognize infatuation versus genuine attraction

•learn to recognize fear of abandonment

•practice shifting your focus away from things you truly do not need

5. Let go of your need to control others.

Recognize that it’s okay to be angry with what has happened, but there is nothing you can truly do. You can either do something reasonable within limits to improve the situation, or you can accept it for how it is. Your need to control others can limit your requirement to take better care of yourself. Which leads me to

6. Take other people off of pedestals.

Looking at people from a view of idolization can do more harm than anything else.

Change your thought processes.

•”My problems aren’t as important” vs. “My problems are equally as important as theirs”

•”This person is probably always right so I’m wrong” vs. “This person is like me, sometimes right and sometimes wrong.”

•”I am nothing without this person” vs. “They add something enjoyable to my life, but I believe in myself and I trust myself. If they leave, I will be okay with myself.”

Avoid idealizing anyone to a savior extent. Nobody is your savior, nobody needs to save you. Think of Cinderella by the Cheetah Girls.

You are rescuing yourself, you are making yourself the best you can. If you idealize someone, you escape reality, and that is something we cannot do. Wishful thinking sometimes can hurt you. The more you can do for yourself, the less you need others to do things for you - it’s more so an addition to your life.

If you find yourself interested in someone who shows little interest, engaging with someone who is emotionally distant, holding out hope for your idealization of who they are but they haven’t changed, or that you’re the only one doing anything for the dynamic, then you have to acknowledge the truth and take accountability. Let everyone be responsible for themselves rather than you taking responsibility for someone else. Don’t think in black or white and all or nothing thinking such as “If I don’t get what I want from them life is meaningless” just because of one person. You have to regard yourself higher than that.

You have to be determined in order to develop self reliance. It takes time.

Your job is to now:

•find things that make you feel good in life - new hobbies and activities

•accept that alone time is a normal part of life, and embrace it

•reframe your negative relationship with yourself

•learn to stop creating unrealistic expectations in your head of other people that cause you to need extreme amounts of reassurance and validation

•practice thinking rationally instead of extremes... “He/she broke up with me because I’m ugly...” versus “We broke up because it wasn’t meant to be. Now, I can work on myself and so can he/she”

•make a list of progress that you’re making, make a list of goals you want to achieve for yourself, make a list of things you want to change

Eventually, you will be so busy with yourself, you won’t have time to entertain ideas of “happiness being another person”. Cut out all ideas of this person, and let them live their life. Let go of any refusals to be happy. You have to tell yourself you’re going to do your best in spite of what may be happening. Go through my confidence tag and let yourself live! Be gentle, be kind, and know that it takes time, but it will be worth it.

[secretmethlab]

Subaru Crosstrek and Finding Meaning in a Modern Life

I just bought a Subaru Crosstrek. Would have bought a Lambo, but I’m not quite there yet. That’s a quote from a song by Hobo Johnson, called “Subaru Crosstrek XV” and I highly suggest giving it a listen. Even if you don’t enjoy the music, it’s sure to generate a laugh.

Also, I did just buy a Subaru Crosstrek. And boy is it awesome. I went driving over some rocks this morning and just about spoiled my penis pouch. Great handling, some nice giddyup since I got the sport edition, and great MPG. Fun for the whole family. I don’t have a family, but I could have a family. I mean… not right now, that would be weird if I had a whole family and it was completely unbeknownst to me. “Honey, we’ve been married five years, these are our children.”

“What? I’ve never seen any of you in my life.”

Buying a car is weird. It was something I needed to do, and it felt good in a sense. There was some relief when it was done, which was nice, but also some anxiety. I think that’s natural after making any large purchase, but it also points to our relationship with technology and machines. Or at least my relationship. Understanding how technology affects me has been a big revelation over the last year. I’ve noticed a lot of my anxiety is tied to technology and that I generally feel much better and happier when I spend more time in the natural world and less time around screens and machines. In a sense, buying a new car felt like I was just purchasing yet another machine, so I think there was some cognitive dissonance spinning around there.

It’s also interesting to think about how car-driven our society is. There’s a ton of importance placed on getting everyone to drive, and I’m not entirely sure what that’s all about. It even ties into your identity. They always ask for a valid driver’s license when you’re doing something important. To verify your age when purchasing alcohol or cigarettes, you don’t use a generic human license to identify yourself, you use a driver’s license. Almost everyone drives. When someone tells you they don’t drive it garners a strong reaction.

It’s super convenient to be able to drive everywhere on your own, but also causes a ton of problems: pollution, accidents, small penis syndrome… And it doesn’t seem sustainable. Electric cars are becoming more and more popular, which helps with the pollution issue, but it doesn’t change the fact that we’re a society addicted to convenience and machines.

I think we are currently facing a fundamental reckoning of how we live in the world. It’s happening slowly, but it appears that we are coming closer and closer to the harsh reality that we can’t live like this anymore. Since the Industrial Revolution, we’ve been living against the natural world instead of in accordance with it, and something’s gotta give. As amazing and powerful as we think we are, we’re never a match for mother nature. She will survive. We will not.

It feels like we’ve just been building and innovating and building and innovating so rapidly that we are either going to build until it all comes crashing down on its own, or we can carefully and slowly tear it all down ourselves. There’s just so much unnecessary stuff out there. We’ve built some great things, but we’ve also wasted so much space because everything has become so convenient and specialized. We need to get these types of clothes here and this kind of food there and that kind of coffee over here. We’re completely reliant on this technological and convenient way of living.

I think we need to learn how to become self-sufficient within smaller communities while placing more importance on exploration instead of building bigger, better, and faster stuff. We have an innate desire to explore and to innovate, so it seems like a much more satisfying and worthwhile endeavor to use our innovative skills to help us explore instead of using our innovations to make us fat and stupid. We’re lacking a sense of meaning in modern society, too. People need to feel like they’re doing something worthwhile and meaningful, and sitting at a desk in a corporate environment doesn’t do that for people, because deep down they know it’s unnecessary. They know we don’t need most companies and corporations to survive. They know their work is just something to keep them busy.

I would love to live in a self-sufficient community, where everyone has meaningful and useful tasks. Some people hunt, some people fish, some people gather, some people entertain, etc. Everyone has a task that is indispensable to the group. Everyone needs each other and everyone’s job is important not only for the survival of the individual but for the survival of the group. And that’s rewarding.

It’s hard to think of a feeling that’s more rewarding than doing something which helps you and also helps everyone around you, especially when working together. Anyone who has played team sports in their life will always remember when they were on a team that won a championship, and how joyous that moment was. We never forget those moments. And that could be our life. We could feel that every day. But we choose not to. We choose to live a life of selfish greed, waiting on someone else to create the next big thing that makes our lives a little bit easier. And then we wonder why we feel so empty.

[injejghafa]

Is it okay to ever write a story where the main character "heals" or recovers from a physical disability? Or is that ableist too? Shouldnt Sarah J Mass (a new york times bestselling author) be allowed to write whatever she wants in her story? There's dragons in there so it's not completely out of the realm of possibility.

Hi! sorry this took so long i was ignoring you

Clarification: I am not physically disabled, so I may not be the person to speak on behalf of them. I can offer my insight and opinion, but do not take it as gospel or ignore it if people with a disability corrects me. 

As someone who has a knee injury from aeons ago, where I struggle to lift it without the cap causing me physical pain, I know how Six of Crows made me feel. Validated, like even though not remotely the same, reading about Leigh’s experiences being so similiar to my own and then reading about Kaz being badass (and disabled!) it really reminded me the reason why I read - to feel these emotions towards characters and to escape from things that constantly threaten us these days (war, death, poverty etc). For many years this was not meant for us. This feeling was exclusive, and in some aspects still are - to straight, predominantly white, cis men who hoarded it for themselves and left the rest of us mostly in the dark, unless we were written by them for their narrative purposes and consumption. 

So, as much as I loved Six Of Crows and especially reading the afterwords by Leigh about diversity in media, this is sadly not a norm. Like previously mentioned, the industry is predominantely made for a specific audience and with one in mind already. A large portion, and while this demographic has changed in recent years, remains in a singular perspective and thus can forget to vary the inclusion of thoughts, narratives and any form of diversity not inherently based on the authors set of beliefs about x group, the intersectionality of the book industry leaves much to be desired in terms of rep for any group, really.While the narratives about able-bodied heroes gets told as often as em dashes in a ms Maas book, we rarely see anyone outside of that specific criteria represented properly on a page or on screen.Most of the time, the narratives center around two possible things that have risen from years of anti-science propaganda, and that find themselves coated in the stories written today: either you cure the person of their physical disability so they can be loved, they’re an irredemable monster or they just simply put, hate themselves and their disability.

These are the “accepted” narratives when it comes to people with disabilities in the adult industry. But In a section for children, particularly young adults, it’s disheartening to see an author you admire write a harmful and derogatory trope into their novel with (you said it!) dragons in it, but a disabled man working his disability and learning to live with it as he still remains the same was impossible for miss Maas, while completely entirely doable to Leigh Bardugo. The difference, I guess, being that while Kaz narrative focuses on who he becomes, rather than what he is, the plot structure encourages his growth to not be reliant on his disability whereas in Chaols case, the structure is built up to see him fail on any front. It was meant to humiliate his character - a strong, captain of the prince’s guard, reduced to a trope in a makeshift wheelchair during the final confrontations of the series.It relies heavily on guilt. As if being physically disabled is something to be outright ashamed of. 

We see this time and time again. Although books are supposed to encourage creativity and diversity of thought, there are the 3 or 4 same tropes that are cycled for this specific group and its important to ask yourself why the author is using them, and for what purpose. There’s a difference in how you stylistically handle what to use when it comes to mystifying something most people have pre-concieved notions about (IE Branns arc in GOT) or outright refuse to learn, the stories about disabled people are rarely told through their lens, but rather from someone else. Someone who “learned how to become a better person through watching their life being difficult” or their wife or girlfriend or husband or partner and how difficult it is for them. It’s never about the disabled. It’s about making other’s seem like better people to suit a narrative. 

So, in summary, it is not bad to use tropes, but rather than just copy-paste them from tropes wiki try thinking about why they’re there. Do they serve as a purpose? is it a piece of satire? do not un-challenge your own perceptions, as that is a part of the learning curve of writing. Refusing to examine your own biases can be dangerous, and lead you down unsavory paths.

PS. someone being a new york times bestseller doesnt stop them from being shitty and we should call it out. have a nice day/night

[cgcpoems]

MAY 2018 HOROSCOPES by Caitlin Conlon

TAURUS: Self-doubt has always been something that you’ve struggled with, but lately its hold over you has become stronger and much more difficult to ignore. Stop viewing yourself as the person you were years ago. You’ve gone through a number of personal changes since making those big mistakes, and if you looked in the mirror for longer than a few seconds you’d be able to see all of the progress that you’ve made. Trust in yourself and your ability to make good things happen. You’re your own worst enemy.

GEMINI: It’s a hard truth to swallow, but sometimes you have to put the things that you want on hold for a later date. There’s a time and a place for everything, you have to trust that someday you’ll be in a stable enough position to achieve what you’d like to. Instead of letting that make you sad, use it as an opportunity to make more concrete plans for what’s ahead. Lately you’ve gone through a lot of changes, so maybe it’s about time for you to reevaluate where you’re headed. There’s still time.

CANCER: You tend to let people walk all over you because of a fear you have of being alone, but you need to remember that subjecting yourself to bad love isn’t going to do anything other than hurt you. It’s possible to make the best out of a situation without ignoring its obvious faults. It’s possible to look at what you once had with someone and acknowledge that it’s ended, without also tainting every good memory. And most importantly it’s possible for you to be happier than you are. Don’t lose sight of that.

LEO: No matter how much you try, you’re never going to be able to fully avoid criticism. Something that you can do, however, is learn to distinguish between the comments that contain validity and the comments that stem from a place of negativity. While you’ve definitely made a lot of improvements lately there’s always room to be better, particularly when it comes to your passions. Updating your craft is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of understanding. Don’t let yourself be too stubborn to see that.

VIRGO: Your insight when it comes to other people and how they express themselves has always been a gift of yours: you can spot even the most well-crafted mask from a mile away. This makes me wonder, though, why you can’t see through your own act. If you have regrets about the way you’ve closed yourself off to certain opportunities, or the way you acted with somebody in the past, don’t ignore it. You’ll never be able to escape the spotlight if you don’t begin to be honest about how you arrived there.

LIBRA: While “don’t give up” is a good phrase to keep in the back of your mind, sometimes you take it a little too far. You use it to justify holding onto places and people that should no longer be a part of your life: that’s a problem. Look at your actions as though you’re an outsider examining them and think carefully about what’s healthy and unhealthy to let go of. Consistency may be a quality that others have previously admired in you, but it loses its weight once it’s prioritized over your quality of life. Don’t hold yourself back.

SCORPIO: The boundaries of your life have always been constructed completely on your terms, with specific goals in mind. This isn’t a bad thing but it occasionally isolates you from things that you would likely find a deep connection with, that which doesn’t fit within your scope. Focus on networking in the coming months, and solidifying the relationships that you’re already a part of. As much as you like to see yourself as entirely self-reliant, there’s nothing wrong with opening up a little more to possibility.

SAGITTARIUS: You’re very good at recognizing the negativity in your life and attempting to remove yourself from it until the negativity is coming from somebody that you’re emotionally invested in. Don’t let people treat you poorly just because you love them. If they were worthy of your affection they’d be more considerate than they have been. Ask yourself: are you holding onto them, or the potential of them? Try to focus more on the tangible than the intangible. Ground yourself.

CAPRICORN: Patience is going to be the key to your success in the coming months. When you have very specific goals it’s often difficult for you to put on the brakes and think about the present, but if your present is compromised your future will be too. Don’t let the naysayers distract or deter you from your aspirations. Stay committed, hold yourself accountable, and remember that you are ultimately the one that has to live with yourself when the day is over. Make choices that you’ll be proud of.

AQUARIUS: Are you really moved on from a situation if you still bring it up in conversation, and think about it before you go to sleep? You’ve been insisting that you’re over it so vehemently, for a long time now, but your actions seem to indicate otherwise. I know that it’s disheartening to admit that you’re still affected by something that happened to you so long ago, but it isn’t until you acknowledge this that you’ll be able to actually make progress in your healing. It’s okay to be honest. It’s okay.

PISCES: Filled with late nights and early mornings your life has a tendency to become hectic quickly, and in these moments it’s easy to lose touch with your spirituality. Try meditating and set aside time to contemplate the intangible. Think of something that puzzles you. Write it down, and then answer it. Everything you need to know in order to thrive is within your reach, you just have to reach out your arm and grab it. Go ahead, we’re all rooting for you.

ARIES: It’s instinctual for you to become defensive when something is said that you don’t agree with, and once that wall has been built it’s incredibly challenging to knock it back down. You’ve never really thought of yourself as sensitive, but why else do things like this affect you so deeply? It isn’t a crime to become overwhelmed by emotion, or to feel things without due cause. You don’t always have to be the rock. You can be the bravest person in the world and still have a good cry.

[cummunication]

For those Who hate the Single life

It’s been a while since the last time I was single. I [used to be] used to being single all the time. I’ve never been a serial monogamist and have only had 3 serious relationships in my life. The rest of the time I was doing me, riding solo. I used to love my singlehood. It was my favorite; freedom, independence, not having to worry about shaving my legs and doing my own thing. It all sounds wonderful (and it is) but I recently went through a break up and am adjusting to being newly single. It’s a relationship I have to relearn to love, at least for now.

I have a lot of friends [women] that absolutely despise being single. They’re always on the lookout for another guy, another hook up, someone else to get attention from. Personally, I couldn’t care less about hooking up. To me, it’s more about having someone there. A best friend, a person to check in with, someone who thinks you’re the bee's knees. That’s what I miss the most.

After my break up, I didn’t know what to do with myself. Who would care about me? When I wanted to get food, he was down. When you’re single, you’re left to do things on your own. I’m not the type to relationship hop. I know a lot of girls like this and feel it’s unhealthy to constantly seek external validation. This makes you reliant on others for approval.

I’ve ultimately learned, no one can bring you everlasting joy. You have to find this within yourself, in hobbies or passions. From friends and family (maybe a mixture of them all). When you make one person your everything, it ends in despair when they are no longer in your life or the relationship changes.

Typical advice from friends comes from a good place but can invalidating and counterintuitive. “There’s plenty of fish in the sea” doesn’t help when you already have your eye on a fish. I understand where they’re coming from but it’s not helpful when people encourage you to move on yet you feel like you can’t. It’s weird because some days I feel empowered on my own & others I’m ready to throw in the towel on this whole separation thing.

Since the break up was fairly recent, I’m realizing this is completely normal. It’s all part of the grieving process; you go through acceptance and depression, periods of bargaining… trying to make sense of it all. What I’m beginning to learn is it doesn’t always have to make sense. Closure rarely occurs however I do feel secure in my decision to terminate the relationship and we remain on good terms.

When you date someone, you can become enmeshed. You spend so much time creating so many memories, being physically and emotionally intimate. They know you better than anyone else and sometimes almost better than you know yourself. However, there’s a fine line between connection and codependency.

My ex is a great guy and a good friend so that’s what we agreed to be… friends. It’s going to take some getting used to and I don’t think it would be rational to jump into being best buds since we both are attracted towards one another. I tend to lose myself in relationships and it’s something I’m consistently working on in therapy. Relationships trigger my neuroses and that’s why I sometimes say they bring out the worst in me. I believe the purpose of relationships are to make you better, to challenge you to be your best. You should grow, learn, laugh and cry but if you find yourself having more sad moments than happy or start questioning your every move, it’s time to reevaluate.

Sharing your life with someone is great until it’s not. I’m single but very much not ready to mingle. I have no interest in hooking up or going on dates with potential lovers. If you leave one relationship and desperately seek another to fill that loneliness, it takes the focus off why the relationship ended in the first place. Relationships are (or should be) 50-50. It’s never one person‘s fault; after all, it takes two to tango. Once a relationship ends, it’s vital to examine where you’re at in your head and heart. I’m learning people are who they are - you have to accept them from the start and take who they are at face value. You can’t hope someone will change or see the light, and it’s crucial to never ignore red flags in the beginning. The old saying “actions speak louder than words” is completely true - if someone is telling you all the right things but their actions don’t measure up, they are showing their true colors.

I’d be doing myself a disservice if I jumped back into dating; I have zero interest in anyone else and think it would be best to focus on myself. To find myself again so that when and if I do get into another relationship, I can be my healthiest, best self.

Relationships bring out parts of us we didn’t even know we had. I have nothing but love for my ex. He’s a great guy but it was the wrong time; we’re at different places and the best thing to do is to leave it be and figure ourselves out. I do love him so if I stayed just because I miss having someone, it wouldn’t be authentic. I truly want what’s best for him but right now, I don’t think that’s me.

So instead of hating the single life, why not try to enjoy it? If one day we get married and have kids, we’ll go the next 30+ years without being single. Instead of thinking of single as a death sentence, think of it as a time to learn to love yourself. It doesn’t just benefit you but will make your future relationships that much better as well.

When I think about relationships, my mind goes crazy at the thought of losing someone. Unfortunately, this is inevitable - everything in life is temporary so we have to start getting comfortable with impermanence. Ask yourself “how can I make the best of this time and what can I add to this person’s life?” People seem to focus on what they can get while forgetting that whatever you give, you will get in return.

Once we let go of that which no longer serves us and quit letting our scared inner child run the show, we allow the floodgates of the to open universe and can begin to receive. I’m still learning in relationships you can’t give into instant gratification, you have to consider the big picture and how this will ultimately serve or be harmful in the long run. I realize you can’t hold on because you’re too scared to let go - we have to start trusting our deep inner guidance and wisdom. In one way or another, we always have the answers inside of us. Instead of trusting our ego or lack mindset, we have to start thinking with an abundance mindset; reminding ourselves even if this person is removed from our life, there is a greater purpose and if I survived without this before, I can do it again. We need to stop looking to others for happiness because what we are searching for, they can’t provide. They can temporarily fill the void but we need to start moving inward and take an introspective look at ourselves. “How I satisfy my life in ways I was looking to this other person to do?” That is the work; that is the real question and the answer lies within us. This will make us a better person and partner for the one who deserves us.

[venusian5]

Saturn is in Capricorn, now what?

As many of you may have heard already, Saturn has finally ingressed into Capricorn for the final time, and has begun its tenure of the sign for the next few years. Understandably a lot of people are freaking out about this, since it's likely the first major Saturn transit that they've witnessed as part of their observation of astrology. That being said, however, I do have a couple of things I want to comment on:

1. Where do you think Saturn has been all this time? Oh right, it's been in Sagittarius. Have all Sagittarian lives completely disintegrated?

2. This is not your first, or your last rodeo with Saturn. You'll have had all manner of aspects and configurations with Saturn in your life already unless you were literally born yesterday... In which case you likely have it conjunct your Mercury and the point is moot. You'll survive this just fine.

3. Life is hard sometimes. There is no debating this fact. If everything were sunshine and daisies we would never appreciate anything and we would have no impetus for growth and evolution. As they say: stagnation is death.

On the first point: Sagittarius is a sign that is equipped with a unique brand of emotional buoyancy due to it's ruler Jupiter. It has by no means had it easy these last few years, but because of their innate sense of optimism they've been able to keep that light inside lit as they've suffered in silence. Capricorn does not have that same buoyancy, but what it does have is its very own unique gift bestowed by its very own ruler... you guessed it, Saturn. This is the gift of hard work. Capricorn is no stranger to doing what it needs to in order to succeed. Nothing was ever handed to this sign freely, so why should now be any different? What is required of Saturn transits is that very same work ethic, so Capricorn is actually at an advantage during this time.

I have a lot more that I can say about the meaning of Saturn transits in general and why they are extremely beautiful and massively important in our lives, but in lieu of diving in to that I'll instead provide a cursory overview of a few configurations that you might be facing during this time. I don't want to hear people getting fatalistic about it. Saturn is a BLESSING. It is the ONLY planet that has a guarantee, and that guarantee is that if you put in the hard work necessary you WILL BE REWARDED. No other planetary archetype makes that claim. Even the so called "benefics" are a crap-shoot at best.

Sun/Saturn -- If there's been any hand-holding, gold stars, and pats on the back for you over the past years expect that to dry up. Why are you so reliant on other people to tell you how good you're doing anyway? Your direction in life might be called into question, and you'll either need to put in the work to defend your choices, or adjust course for a better plan of action. Moon/Saturn -- This might be a period where you're prone to melancholy and depression, where you don't feel as though others understand you emotionally and you can't reach out for help. You need to learn to self-soothe, and stop trying to ignore your emotions. Mastery over them does not imply control, rather acceptance. Mercury/Saturn -- At first thoughts and ideas will seem scattered and useless, and as time passes you may struggle with inability to complete what's required of you academically and communicatively. It might seem like you have to do twice as much mental work to get to the same spot you used to get to with ease. You can bet money on the fact that you'll master skills that you do develop, however, and what you learn now you'll know for life. Mercury is dexterity. Learning to play an instrument is a very real possibility with this configuration. Venus/Saturn -- Your love life will probably dry up, and your self-esteem is likely to take a nose-dive. Why do you keep trying to find validation from others though? Aren't you good enough? It may feel like the color and beauty has drained out of your life, but I guarantee you've been taking it for granted. Music won't have the same spark that it used to, and art won't move you in the same way. You've got to start from within. Mars/Saturn -- With a strong Mars it's likely that you'll work yourself into exhaustion every day and end up completely burning out. It's also likely that this burnout will do lasting damage to your relationships because you've been over promising for so long. You're allowed to be human and take breaks. You need to find a better balance between working smart and working hard, and don't take on more than you can handle. With a weak Mars you may find that you haven't been taking on enough responsibility. It might be thrust on you at this time, and you'll be asked to step up to the plate in ways that you haven't previously. You're not going to be given any extra energy though, so make sure you're using your head and prioritizing what's necessary. Both strong and weak Mars would benefit enormously from physical exercise and Martial Arts.

Saturn transiting the 1st House -- If you don't already have a strong sense of self-esteem and personal identity you're going to have to get one quick. Who the hell are you anyway? What do you actually want from life? Saturn transiting the 2nd House -- Say goodbye to your money! Financial hardships are the most common thing for this transit, but as usual it's not actually about money. Why do you let your financial situation control your self-worth so much? Why do you need objects to make you feel happy and secure? What does that say about you? Better learn how to stretch those dollars. Saturn transiting the 3rd House -- Your siblings might face some hardships, learning new things will be hard AF, and in general it's not likely that you'll be able to effectively communicate with others. Education might become a focal point in your life, and this might be the time when you get serious about going back to school or learning a new trade. Saturn transiting the 4th House -- Your home life will probably become pretty unbearable. It's going to feel stifling, and relating to your family gets really tough. If you're overly attached to your mother life will cut the apron strings for you. If you can't find a way to build stronger internal stability all on your own then things can get really out of hand. Saturn transiting the 5th House -- Another "say goodbye to your love life" transit. Why are you dating all of those losers that aren't worth your time and attention anyway? Why are you so afraid to be alone and wait for someone worthwhile to come knocking? Your creativity dries up like a well in a drought, and if you don't make creativity a consistent priority in your life then it can seem like the entire world loses its luster. Saturn transiting the 6th House -- You might develop a chronic health issue. It's not going to kill you (unless you ignore it) though. It's mainly to force you to pay attention to the health you've been neglecting. Keep in mind that health isn't "working out to get ripped" or "having a hot bod". What have you been putting into your body, and what is your relationship with it? Do you have a sound mind-body connection? The other manifestation of this transit is that you become so busy and stressed that you want to pull your hair out 24/7. How can you be more efficient and prioritize what's really important so that you can keep afloat? Saturn transiting the 7th House -- You might meet a partner that you'll be in a long-term relationship with. You might get married. You might get divorced from that same person because what the heck were you thinking? You might get sued and have to go to court. Your business partner might steal all of your money. You might get a divorce from the spouse you've had for years. What's for sure is that you've got a lot to learn from relationships, friendships included, and so you'd better pick your associations wisely. Saturn transiting the 8th House -- There's likely to be a reckoning when it comes to debt if you've incurred it. You may also get an up close and personal brush with death that really forces you to reevaluate your life and priorities. What is truly important to you? What are you willing to do to keep it? Saturn transiting the 9th House -- Like the 3rd House this can signify a time when you get serious about returning to education. Travel might become difficult and experiences abroad during this transit might not be the best... They will, however, teach you a lot. You'll be forced to question the big things in life, like what do you believe in? It might be a time when it seems like every dream you have gets squashed, but the ones that survive are surely worth your time, right? Saturn transiting the 10th House -- This can be a great time for buckling down and working on your career and life goals.... It can also be a time where you get fired from the job you've had for years and are forced to start completely over from square one. You might be asked to go back to the drawing board of your life if you haven't sown your seeds in the right places. Saturn transiting the 11th House -- Say goodbye to most of your friends!! It's okay though, they probably weren't that great of friends to begin with if they don't survive this transit. You're going to be forced to seriously look at who you've been associating yourself with, and reflect on what that says about you. We're as good as the company we keep after all. Saturn transiting the 12th House -- This can be a really depressive time, and it can easily feel like you're isolated and alone a lot. You're not alone though, we never really are. It's up to you to discover that. A lot of things will pass out of your life during this time never to return again. Get comfortable with loss, as it's a part of life. You must clear away the old in order to make room for the new.

As a final note I want to point out that Saturn is domicile in Capricorn, which means that it is much stronger than elsewhere in the Zodiac. This also means that Saturnian themes won't be joking around, and this taskmaster will expect results. Because it is in its own sign, however, we can expect to see (in general) more positive manifestations of the energy (up until the conjunction with Pluto anyway). Take a very hard look at the world right now. It is in desperate need of change. We cannot allow it to continue down the same road it's been on, and it is for that reason (among many others) that Saturn is so vital. A lot of us have hard work to do in the coming years, and we'll be asked to steel ourselves for a much longer battle ahead. Saturn will give you the inner fortitude and strength that you need to create beauty and meaning in your life. It will teach you how to hold what is truly important close to your heart while it strengthens your outer layers against the harsh realities of the world. Take this time to do some serious work. Learn the lessons of the Great Teacher, and when this transit has passed count all of the powerful and enduring gifts that you've been given.

[tipsycad147]

How To Source Your Craft Locally & Why You Need To

Avery Hart

“Buy local!” is a refrain you’ll hear from many groups of people, most of them touting some environmental benefit of living more locally. While this is a fine endeavour, it’s not what we’re going to talk about today. No, as a group witches rarely need to be lectured on the merits of going green, we tend to be an environmentally conscious bunch as it is. Instead, what we’re going to be talking about are the mental and magical benefits to sourcing your ingredients and tools locally and how you can go about making the most of what you can find.

Consumerism In The Craft

One of the biggest complaints I hear from new witches is, “I don’t have enough money to buy all the tools and herbs and rocks!” I cannot tell you how much this breaks my heart. Not because these witches are struggling financially, though that is unfortunate. No, it breaks my heart because these people are allowing their power to be taken from them on the basis of their finances.

Somehow, over the last few decades, capitalism has crept into our craft, taken root, and made all of us reliant on it for our magic. Does this seem right to you? Is this why you came to witchcraft in the first place? To beg for scraps of power from money hungry corporations that would steal the sacred from us, sterilise it and make it “safe”, and then sell it back to us? I think not.

Witchcraft is the domain of the downtrodden. If you’ve never thought about this before it may strike you as odd but it’s true. Magic is and always has been a way for the oppressed to seize power for themselves. Our traditions bloomed out of the struggle of our predecessors, from the slaves brought to America that relied upon hoodoo and the traditions of their ancestors, to the slaves and poor in Ancient Greece who summoned Hecate at the crossroads, from women who used herbs and talismans and cunning to make a living in a world that said a husband was the only viable option, to people the world over who were told “no, you can’t do that, stay in line, don’t rock the boat, don’t seek out the mysteries and their wildness, stay quiet, and meek, and obedient.” These are the people that we have to thank for our magic!

How is it then, that a practice created by those at the bottom of societies hierarchy has now come to require so much money? Slaves in any society have never been allowed to own property or have money. It’s unlikely that the village wise woman was living like a queen. If they had magic without money, why can’t we?

Stop Asking Permission & Take Back Your Power

This is the crux of this sourcing local discussion. It’s not about saving the environment, it’s not about making a political statement, and it’s not about trying to reject the evils of capitalism (though more power to you if that’s your jam). Rather, it’s about taking power for yourself without having to ask for permission from those who would place themselves above you in society. It’s about rejecting the limitations that they would place upon you and your magic. You are a witch. You came here to take back your power over your life!

In the last few years, witches have become mainstream, there’s no denying it. Rather than scoffing at us and brushing it off as “oh, it’s just some phase” or “oh, she’s just kind of granola like that” society has realised that we’re here, we’re not just a bunch of kids screwing around, and we’re not going anywhere. Predictably, the reaction to this has been to try to monetise us. We now have huge companies like Sephora marketing “witch kits”  to us and suddenly all of these sources telling us that we can’t do “real magic” unless we have their super special tools/ingredients/books/whatever.

On the surface, this might seem kinda cool. We’re mainstreaming! We can find witchy stuff everywhere! And in a way, it is nice to be validated in this way. But there’s an insidious side to all of this. We’re becoming dependent on these things. Rather than being capable of creating magic out of whatever the hell we have available to us, now we feel like we’re not real witches unless we have every special tool or herb, and just the right ritual garb. And as soon as that mindset takes hold, we’re beholden to a bunch of companies for our magic. And those companies? They don’t give a damn about you, or your power, or the things that are sacred to you. They care about one thing and one thing only: money. It benefits these companies greatly for you to feel like you can’t do magic without their product, they WANT you dependent on them because it’s profitable.

It’s time that we put a stop to this and take back our power and in order to do that, we have to separate our magic and the materials that we use to work our magic from those who would control us for their own gain. It’s time that witches get back to sourcing their craft locally.

How To Source Locally

1. Wildcrafting

Wildcrafting is by far one of my favourite ways to source locally for my craft. There’s something truly magical about becoming familiar with genius loci (the spirit of place) and the spirits of the plants that grow around you, about being able to walk through your neighbourhood and feel and know the magic and spirits that live all around you. Wildcrafting is simply the act of finding and harvesting plants that grow near you, this may sound simple on the surface but, admittedly, it can take time and a great deal of care to do well.

You’ll want to start by simply learning to identify the plants around you. For those of you who are thinking “I live in a huge city!” or “I live in a desert!” it’s ok. You can wildcraft too. I live in New York City and even I can find an abundance of plants to work with here. Off the top of my head I know that I’ve got datura and bindweed growing one neighbourhood over, both very traditional plants of the poison path, and gingko biloba and sweetgum trees in the nearby park. And for you desert dwellers, there are plants all around you, they’re just not the ones you see used traditionally in the craft. This is the beauty of wildcrafting, you get to build a relationship with the natural world around you and learn how to best use what grows near you in spellwork, even if it’s unconventional.

Once you’ve learned about what grows near you and can positively identify some plants, you’ll need to learn about safe harvesting practices. This includes both what is safe for you (pesticides and pollution should be taken into consideration) and what is safe and healthy for the plant and its ecosystem.

If you’re not sure where to start, I would highly suggest looking into foraging and wildcrafting meetups, classes, and lectures near you. It may take some digging but I’ve had pretty good luck finding these kinds of classes in most of the larger towns and cities I’ve lived in. Check with local witchy groups of course but also look into local herbal and alternative medicine shops, local homesteading groups, survival skills groups, etc. They can all be amazing sources of information!

2. Gardening

For those who don’t feel comfortable wildcrafting or who simply don’t have certain plants growing nearby, growing your own plants is ideal. You won’t be able to grow everything but you will be able to expand your herbal repertoire quite a bit by growing your own plants both in a garden and indoors. Herbs are often touted as easy to grow on your windowsill but they can actually be quite finicky and die easily. I know far too many witches who are completely incapable of keeping a basil plant alive so don’t feel bad if you’ve struggled with herbs in the past.

If you’re going to start growing your own plants and don’t have much experience, choose plants that are both well suited to your growing zone and incredibly hard to kill. Rosemary is a favourite of mine, it takes a bit of neglect well and it has about a million uses both in the craft and in my kitchen. Mint is damn near indestructible though I would keep it in a pot unless you want to wage war against its campaign to eat your entire yard. Other easy to grow plants to consider are aloe, thyme, lemon balm, sage, lavender, and lemon verbena. Don’t let this list stop you from trying other things though, any plant can be worked in your craft.

3. Stones & Bones

The truth is, crystals aren’t traditional in witchcraft in any way. How would a midwife or a diviner in the 1500s have gotten their hands on rocks like those? They wouldn’t! That doesn’t mean that they didn’t use stones at all though. They would have simply used what they could find in nature.

Hagstones are an excellent example of this. A hagstone is a stone that has a hole worn through it naturally. They can often be found in streams and other moving water and they’re considered very lucky and protective. Learn about the rocks that you can find near you and find ways to use that. I used to be able to find flint stones very easily and even though it’s obviously aligned with the earth, flint is also aligned with fire which gives it some very interesting magical properties. Limestone is made up of skeletal fragments of marine animals and would still carry much of this watery, oceanic energy.

Bones are another thing that we often find ourselves purchasing but, with a little luck and some good boots, it’s usually possible to find bones out in nature. And if you live in an urban area where that’s simply unlikely, take advantage of the resources you do have. Camping trip coming up? Look for bones on your hikes. Have a friend who lives in the boonies? Ask them to pick up anything they find.

4. Crafting Your Own Tools

Rather than purchasing fancy ritual tools, learn to make your own. This can come in so many forms from carving your own wands and talismans to repainting thrifted statues of saints to represent your gods to sewing your own altar cloths. What skills do you have that you could put to use in your craft? What skills have you always wanted to learn? Now is your chance. Making your own tools has the benefit of reclaiming your power, yes, but it also allows you to connect far more deeply with the tools you’re using in your craft and this will absolutely show in your rituals and the effects that you get from your spells.

5. Shape Your Craft To Match Your World

If you find yourself racking your brain trying to source some particular item locally and can’t figure it out, you may need to drop that thing from your craft entirely. Every witch’s craft is a unique thing, your craft won’t look like my craft and my craft won’t look like the next witch’s craft. There’s no witch law saying that you must work in a particular way or with a particular item or ingredient. If you can’t source it locally, then just don’t bother with it! Your craft can and should reflect who you are and the place where you live. Rather than trying to make your craft into something that is unnatural to your location, you can allow it to take form and be shaped by what you have available to you.

This can make it quite difficult to use spells found in books and online, I understand this. And for many witches, colouring outside the lines like this can be scary but it’s also empowering. Learning to write your own spells, even as a beginner, gives you an amazing amount of control over your craft, it helps you learn and internalise the theory of how magic works, and it gives you agency to experiment and find what really works for you as an individual.

6. Trade, Barter, & Thrift

Last but not least, we can source items that we otherwise wouldn’t have access to by trading with other witches, bartering with neighbours and locals, and perusing thrift shops and antique malls for useful items. I’ve found $1 thuribles at flea markets and a dress that became an altar cloth in the bargain bin of a thrift shop. Is a friend having a garage clean out? Lend a hand and they’ll probably be more than willing to let you keep some cool finds that they’re getting rid of. Know a witch who lives on the other side of the country? See if they can send you herbs from that area that you couldn’t otherwise find and trade them something from where you live. Start a local witchy stuff-swap and get a bunch of witches together to trade old ritual tools and ephemera that you no longer need. Get creative!

There are a million and one ways to work your craft outside of the confines of what you have to buy. Localising your craft gives you the freedom to create a practice that isn’t reliant on your budget, it gives you room to explore and learn, and it places your power squarely back in your own hands.

https://thetravelingwitch.com/blog/how-to-source-your-craft-locally-and-why-you-need-to

[its8simplejulesblog]

Family Dinner at the Larock’s

(This one is a lot, it turned into something else entirely as I kept writing it than what I had originally planned, and I’m sorry in advanced, but writing this all out is more for me, but if you want to read it, be my guest :) ) 

Is truly an experience. We laugh until we cry, we shame each other to no end, and often times we talk about a lot of things that really, truly matter in the world. I don’t think there are any limits at our house. My mom always says that if you make it through dinner here then you’re officially a part of the family. I think that’s something I really appreciate. The ability to be able to accept anyone. You have to really fuck up to not be welcome back here, and as of now, between my brother and I, I can only think of two people out of everyone we’ve brought home that wouldn’t be welcome back. The other night we were talking about Covid-19, as everyone has been lately. My mom and brother were discussing buying groceries for a friend of my brother’s that was struggling financially and it got us talking about the different situations that people are probably in right now. Imagine the people in abusive relationships, that don’t get along with their families, that can barely pay rent, that have recently lost a loved one or have a mental illness..that shit’s hard..and guess what..I’m gonna talk about it (no one is shocked) 

As I’ve mentioned a few times before, my life is pretty good. On a day to day basis, my worries are pretty superficial. For that reason, I don’t think I can confidently talk about abusive relationships or the inability to pay rent. HOWEVER, I absolutely know a thing or two about depression. It’s one of those things where no one is safe; and I think the most frustrating stigma about it is that people are under the impression that there’s some sort of hierarchal scale to determine the validity of how depressed you are. It’s like: here are the boxes you have to tick and if you don’t, you can’t call yourself depressed..bullshit. 

I’d like to say that for the most part, I have been very happy lately. I take pride in my school work and enjoy everything that I’m learning. I am so thankful for all of my friends, I’ve been confident enough in my appearance and the way I act towards people and I have had enough social interaction and constant activity at school where I felt like I was making the most out of my day and being productive. Then *BOOM* lockdown hits. Naturally, the virus took the world by storm and this entire situation has resulted in unprecedented mass confusion and hysteria. No one quite knows what is going on and that really results in everyone just doing whatever they think is best for them and their families. However, when you’re inside for a majority of the day with the same people for hours on end it can lead to some..internal turmoil lol. 

When I was in 5th grade I went to therapy for a lot of fear paranoia. It sounds a little bit ridiculous now, but I always thought we were about to be attacked by terrorists at any moment and no one was safe. The news scared me and ultimately I thought the world was in shambles (which it was, but not quite as badly as I had thought). I eventually calmed myself down, stopped going to therapy, and moved on with my life. When I was a sophomore in college I went back to therapy for a completely different reason that manifested itself in highschool (psa: GO TO THERAPY. I don’t go anymore, but I highly recommend it, even if you think you don’t need it). As I progressed through the end of my highschool career and into college, I found myself feeling increasingly alone. I always had friends, always, there were always loving people around me that were clear that they supported me in everything I did; however, I loved to self sabotage. Again, the concept of never being content came back. I always thought that I wasn’t close enough with people or they were doing things without me or they were bored of me. For some strange reason though, this didn’t translate into my relationships. If someone said they loved and cared about me I believed it 100% and that person would turn into my best friend. Which is good right? Ehhhhh. 

It was a red flag to think that whoever I was dating at the time and I could take on the world alone because obviously that’s not true. One emotionally dependent person ABSOLUTELY can’t do everything alone, adding another one doesn’t really make things much better. Whenever I felt alone the cop out was always “Well I’ll always have ____,” “____ would never leave me out.” Whenever you start thinking like that..RUN. Well, maybe don’t run, but think about what that means. If you’re spending so much time with a significant other then maybe...don’t haha. One of the biggest things I have to work on in terms of my depression is being emotionally self reliant. I don’t think that’s to say that I’m not independent, but I should be able to have my own interests, my own friends, and make my own decisions without a puppet master..and I should be confident and content with everything I do and every person I interact with. 

I had one individual in the past tell me that I “thought I was better than everyone else” because I changed my mind about hanging out with him. I saw something toxic in him so I left. Usually when you show people who they really are they do one of two things: get extremely defensive, or they run away from the situation entirely. Neither of which is a good look, trust me, doesn’t look good on ANYONE. There is a huge sense of maturity and attractiveness in separating criticism from your ego and just fucking taking it, learn from it, become a better person. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. You’ll bounce back. 

People’s words and actions hurt though. As if it wasn’t enough that I had already convinced myself that people didn’t want me around, I was also in a relationship where, subconsciously, he was only keeping me around if I did this and this and this. Which isn’t much better. Skip the end of highschool and I’m transitioning into college. Learning to live in a new place is so hard and I missed home so much. I missed all my friends (even if at the time, I thought no one liked me) and it was hard. I went through another relationship that ended because of distance and it wrecked me because (no shock here) I thought it was my fault for not being good enough. Thankfully, I had a support system of new friends that convinced me otherwise. In my head though, it just kept getting worse and worse. 

I always thought I was doing the college experience wrong because I always wanted to come home so I eventually did. And with that, ANOTHER relationship (damn Julia, relax). I’ve always had the ability to get close to people fast. A blessing, I like to think. Even now, I think this is true because as cliche as it sounds, you really do learn a lot about yourself through other people. At this point, most of you should know who I’m talking about and let me tell you this: I’m tired of talking about it just as much as you all are probably tired of listening but for the sake of being honest (a concept) I will relay to you one more time what this situation has meant to me. 

When you become friends with someone they become an integral part of your life. You want to spend time with them and tell them everything about you and when you’re with them you don’t want there to be any distractions. You only want the best for them in every situation and you’ll do anything so they’re happy. That’s what this started out as. No one made me laugh harder. We were each other’s backbone. There was no one I threw my support to more. We were both adjusting in different ways to new environments so to feel like you had something you could always rely on was so refreshing and comforting. I’m not going to lie and say I regret that because it got me through a lot of the adjustment period. 

The dangerous part of that though, is when you lean too heavily without realizing it. We were ALWAYS together. When I had free time from school, I was always somewhere else, to the point where I thought I was adjusting, but really I was just running away from the new environment. This boy really jumped through every hoop to make sure I knew that he cared about me and loved me. Any guy I talked to, he was “happy for me,” but of course, there was something else there. He always made it seem like he wanted the best for me, but really he wanted the best for me if it simultaneously worked out in his favor. That’s not what being selfless is about.  This was so obviously a red flag, but to me it looked like affection. Eventually we started dating and we took care of each other. Red flag #2, you should take care of yourself sometimes too. It was a long time, a long time of hanging out before I started to realize some things. 

(I was going to type out in more detail what went wrong, but as I did that I felt weird so I’m going to skip most of it) 

Anyway, I had a life of my own. I went to Spain and later Florida and met new people and I was so thankful to him for giving me the confidence to do that. It went the opposite way for him though. He was way too reliant on me. Of course, you’re only reading my side, but this is how I feel it went. That’s not to say that I wasn’t reliant on him too, but I got so scared that he needed me too much. Even typing this I’m already tired of talking about it. He cheated on me over and over because the second he didn’t get the validation he needed from me he just got it somewhere else. 

Long story short, back to where we started: what does this mean for my mental state in quarantine? It means that on a good day I can look at all of those situations and recognize how far I’ve come in realizing that I AM enough. In the time between breaking up with him and now, there were 8 weeks of enormous growth. I decided doing things I wanted to do with people who recognized that I was an individual with my own talents and aspirations. I realized that people DID want me around and I had something to contribute to every group I was a part of. It makes me look more clearly at the people I am interacting with. It makes me realize that everyone has a story and you have to be so careful to treat everyone with respect. It emphasized the importance of honest and not ethical reasoning. By that I mean, weigh your costs and benefits. If something hurts you, but is beneficial to the other person in the end: what means more to you? Also, it showed how imperative it is to have a simple conversation. If you’re feeling some type of way about someone, just tell them. I know that I would appreciate it a lot more than playing games, we aren’t five. If quarantine shows us anything it’s that life is too short to not just say what you feel. 

On a bad day, it hurt my trust. I will absolutely still tell people about my life. I want to get as close to people as I can. I want to have good conversations and I want people to feel like they know me. However, I’m afraid of feeling like a sob story. Even writing this I was like, “ugh, this feels like I’m trying too hard to make something out of nothing. I don’t want people to define me by this.” For that reason, I always tell myself that I’m going to stop talking about it and stop thinking about it but at the end of the day, it IS a part of me now. It is something that has affected my every day life whether it is apparent or not. It is something that happens to a lot of people, sure, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t hurtful or valid for me to be hurt. On a bad day I still feel like I’m not enough. When people don’t respond to me it hurts (which frankly, it shouldn’t because I don’t respond to people all the time and it’s not because I don’t like them). On a bad day I’m worried that the same thing will happen again, that someone will learn every aspect of me only to later discover that it still wasn’t enough. It’s hard, especially being in quarantine. I want to be with my friends and doing things that take my mind off of it, but maybe, in a way it’s a good thing that I take this time to reflect and think about how all of the things I’ve been through will make me stronger. 

If you take anything from this mess of a post hopefully it’s this: depression is real and it affects so many people and they’re probably all going through it in quarantine right now, treat people with kindness when this is all over, choose your words wisely, healing is a long ass process, so many people love you, and continue to trust and give others the benefit of the doubt because while you could very well get hurt, there’s a beautiful chance that they surprise you and change your life for the better. That’s what I’m looking forward to when this is all over. 

Happy Lockdown everyone, I’m always here to talk if anyone needs it <3

-Julia 

[her-culture]

The Truth Behind Seeking Validation: Affirmations Of the Self

We do it without trying, going out and seeking validation from others, in which we hold ourselves to their standards and not our own. I won't lie and say that it’s ok, but I will say that it is the human in us to do just so. The truth behind seeking validation is the hidden truth in all of us. We haven't learned to find completion within ourselves. This completion you will soon learn to feel within is not something that we are born with, it is not given. We are all raised differently and in truth, we are all hurt by something big or small. We go through so many things in life, and some of those things take a toll on who we are as a person, or who we eventually become. We don’t really move on, but rather take in what happened. Deep inside there is that small piece of us that wants comfort from others, we crave it, and feel that we need it. This piece of validation we search for is what we use to feel complete within. Deeming that, it can then be said that to feel complete without the need of what others say or how they make you feel, takes strength. A strength that we all either have, obtained from a long journey, or strength that most of us are searching for. 

You are now probably thinking that everything I’ve said is spot on, but are wondering exactly what you do with this constant feeling of not being ok without the validation of what others think or believe of you. If I am being honest, I am on this road with you and what I’ve learned so far, is that affirmations help to relieve that feeling of not being ok without the “permission” to feel okay from others. The first affirmation you have to live by is the act of repetition. When I say to live by repetition, I mean you literally have to tell yourself everyday in which it is turned into a routine, telling yourself that you are enough for yourself and no matter how others feel, those “others” can never measure just how much you truly matter. 

The type of affirmations I am talking about isn’t anything you can merely download from an app, and tell yourself, I'll receive these everyday and be ok. The affirmations needed for this journey are the ones from within. I remember telling myself, this shouldn’t be hard, I can download this “Sunshine” app, and I’ll read their affirmation of the day. In my tiny head I felt that I would find validation within myself with an app- now reread that and tell me what the problem is. We are searching for ourselves, the true person we want to embody, but we are looking in an app. Listen to yourself, what is it that you need, not what an app has to offer and hope it gives you what you need. The affirmations that you need in order to find yourself and feel completed within is something only you will know. Whether it be waking up and kissing the mirror every morning, or having to go workout every evening for whatever reason it may be. 

Mindfulness. What a beautiful word, because by definition it means to basically be consciously self-aware. To understand yourself on a level others can not. It means to simply have a higher mind in which you hold an understanding of life and where you stand in it. Mindfulness, think about that. This path, this long aching path, how can one simply replace validation with mindfulness? I oddly find myself asking this in times where I become reliant on others to make me feel wholesome. “Joi, are you being mindful or are you being emotionally controlled by the idea that I am ok with what others think of me?” I answer, knowing I am telling fables, most of the time. I am being mindful. I struggle with the naked truth, as well as others. 

It’s easy to sink into the arms of others’ declaration of who you are. Don’t though, because it is just as easy as being able to become wholefully mindful. Be consciously aware of yourself, and reflect. That is how one fights seeking validation. What comes with affirmations is the action of self-reflecting and being able to look within yourself from afar. To become mindful means you need to ground yourself with those affirmations and reflect on your growth. You have to manifest what you believe in by declaring what you represent, and desist from what “they” represent you as. To be able to look within yourself from afar, you have to find your true intentions in this life we live, and decide whether it's enough for you. In a way, you are back to reflecting. Everything that I am speaking of is what has to do with the self. I want to make you present of your “self” meaning your inner conscious. To conclude everything I’ve said, in order to stop looking outward, you have to affirm yourself from within. 

Validation runs deeper than searching for acceptance. It’s a toxic habit we find ourselves sticking to in which we decide will help us to live day by day. The energy we pour into believing that we need others’ approval needs to be poured into ourselves with love. It’s up to you whether you want to spend a life figuring out if you are enough, instead of choosing to say out loud for yourself and the world that you are overflowing with radiance.

[stretchemersonarchive]

Not Just a Trope: How Mental Illness is Battling the Media

By: Hailey Norton

To mainstream medias like film, television and video games, mental illness has become a money making algorithm. In this algorithm, however, there is little truth to be found. There is usually a dramatic twist, or if you’re Hollywood film director, M. Night Shyamalan, a badass super villain known as “The Horde” brewing under the devastating illness known as dissociative identity disorder (DID). Or if you’re a video game developer like Red Limb Studio, your main protagonist actually turns out to be your antagonist who has killed their entire family in a psychotic episode. Or if you’re anyone working on 13 Reasons Why, from the hit Netflix original TV show, mental illness and suicide is a tool to be used for revenge on those that caused verbal or physical abuse.

All of these cases of popular media have a couple things in common. First, they’re problematic. They do not fully or accurately address mental illness in an educational light. By this, I mean, the lack of appropriate and complete depictions of mental health has caused many negative stigmas to build in our society surrounding violence, alienating those that suffer from mental illness. Second, they are aimed at teens and young adults.

The idea that mental illness is something to be capitalized on is not a new or shocking concept. Many things that are culturally sensitive are used as attention-grabbing tools to garner the most amount of money as possible with little or no regard for the implications it could have on an impressionable audience. In an article from the Journal of Community Psychology, it was stated that “Children, whose opportunities to encounter and learn about mental illness from other sources (higher education, job experience, etc.) are far more limited than adults, may be even more reliant than adults on mass media, and thus more susceptible to their influence” (Wahl).

In an article written for the Psychiatric Rehabilitation Journal, Naomi Kondo gave a very honest opinion about the inaccuracies found in film in particular and how they can be damaging for society as a whole. She brings up the point that those that have no connection to mental illness other than in films and other forms of media, may believe that depiction to be true (Kondo 250). She states, specifically, “The greatest fallacy of mental illness purported by the film industry is that there is a direct link between mental illness and violence” (Kondo 250). As someone who lives with schizophrenia and has never had violent urges, Kondo feels alienated by these depictions. One of her most compelling statements was “Sometimes these films even make me wonder about myself, if on some level I have a secret evil side, a side tied to my illness” (Kondo 251). This shows how those that are in the audience watching these films that also identify with the disorder being depicted can be negatively impacted by stigmas even though they know them to not be true.

I, too, have been personally affected by the carelessness of these mainstream media depictions of mental health. As someone who suffers from depression and has attempted suicide in the past, the show 13 Reasons Why seriously unnerved me. Hannah Baker, the protagonist of the show, truly went through some very troubling situations from bullying to sexual assault and rape. Suicidal ideation and intent are very hot topics among today’s youth and so many teens are suffering from depression and anxiety. According to the National Institute for Mental Health, “Young adults aged 18-25 years had the highest prevalence of [mental illness] (22.1%) compared to adults aged 26-49 years (21.1%) and aged 50 and older (14.5%)” (“Mental…”). In fact, suicide is the second leading cause of deaths among the age group 10-34 (Center for Disease Control).

I can understand the appeal of wanting to open a conversation with teens about this big issue and raise awareness. However, I cannot stand for and will not sit silently while a TV show graphically depicts how to kill yourself even though the book the show is based on does not. The suicide scene with Hannah Baker was damaging, triggering and completely unnecessary. It, in essence, showed every viewer, no matter how old, how to commit suicide. On top of just the idea of showing a suicide, they depicted one of the most successful ways to commit suicide by cutting in an upwards motion up the forearm. This can sever an artery which, without immediate medical attention, is completely irreversible. I am not claiming that this show has or will take lives, but it can validate the thoughts someone has when they are already battling with suicidal ideation (ie. “no one would care if I died”) (Henick). Before watching the scene where Hannah cuts her forearm in the bathtub, I had several friends warn me about how graphic it was. I mentally prepared myself in every way that I could before watching the scene. While watching, though, I was still incredibly triggered by how absolutely horrific the scene was. For this reason, I do not advise that those that have attempted or have had experience with suicidal ideation watch this show, or at least skip this scene.

What I am asking for is not to stop talking about these subjects. In fact, I would love for there to be bountiful information and plenty of conversation. I am not writing to end the discussion. I demand, however, that there be more honesty and truth in these conversations that take place, especially in mainstream medias. It is the responsibility of these creators to accurately depict mental illness and the right of the audience to get truthful information. Platforms like Netflix, where 13 Reasons Why aired, and Steam, an online video game distributor that sells games like Rise of Insanity (2018), need to be held accountable for the false information they are distributing to the world and are making money off of.

The movie I mentioned earlier but not by name, Split, directed by M. Night Shyamalan, is a major culprit of demonizing mental illness. Like many other movies depicting mental health in a violent and unreasonable way, only the rarest and most extreme cases make it to Hollywood. Shyamalan depicts Kevin, a man struggling with dissociative identity disorder, as an immediately violent and unstable person. While instability is, in fact, a characteristic of some mental illnesses it does not define the subject as depicted in the movie. Instability in conjunction with violence, in this case, creates an idea that both come hand in hand, one cannot exist without the other.

This reminds me of what Naomi Kondo was saying about starting to question one’s own personality based on a film portrayal. Schizophrenia and dissociative identity disorder are two very different illnesses to live with, but the sentiment remains. The way we portray mental illness not only affects those watching that have no further knowledge about mental illness but also those that do know and live with it every day. Kevin turns out to be a super villain added to a universe M. Night Shyamalan created in his movie Unbreakable. For fans of Unbreakable, this may be an exciting addition to a long anticipated sequel, but for those who suffer from dissociative identity disorder, this can be very damaging. In a CNN article written by Michael Nedelman, an interaction between a patient with DID and their psychiatrist is discussed (Nedelman). This patient wrote an email referring to Shyamalan’s Split asking “Do I ever scare you?” (Nedelman). With nearly 1% of the population living with this disorder (Nedelman) it is hard not to think about the long lasting impacts this could have on those currently suffering.

James McAvoy, the actor who played Kevin, did not speak with anyone suffering from the illness because he could not find anyone that was willing to speak with him (Nedelman). Perhaps getting a firsthand account from someone that suffers from DID would have influenced the way the lead actor would have felt about portraying such a disorder as inherently violent. Nedelman also mentions in his article that Shyamalan was in contact with a clinical psychologist who aired concern over the hostile portrayal of the disorder to Shyamalan himself and nothing was done (Nedelman). Shyamalan even went as far as to say that no one that had seen the finished film gave any form of backlash (Nedelman). As someone who has seen the film, and was compelled enough to write this essay, I would like to prove him wrong. I had several issues with the film that begin with my already mentioned dislike of the irresponsible portrayal of violence that is directly linked to Kevin’s illness. My next issue came when Kevin’s psychiatrist, in the movie, went as far to say that those that suffer from DID are actually superior to the rest of the human race. That they, somehow, have found a way to surpass a normal state of being. Many recognize this moment as Shyamalan’s attempt to reconcile his harsh portrayal of the disorder, but this is also problematic. Instead of villainizing Kevin’s illness like the rest of the film does, it glorifies it. It gives an equally false and damaging image of how we should view those with DID. Glorifying DID and other mental illnesses does not accurately portray the struggle these people live with every day. They cannot climb on walls and do not have super-human strength like the protagonist in the movie. It is not easy to live with a mental illness and describing it as a tool to transcend a natural state of being is ridiculous and minimizes how hard it can be on a day to day basis for those living with it.

John Squires, in an article for Bloody Disgusting, a website where opinion pieces, editorials and reviews for popular forms of media, finds no issue in the way DID is portrayed in Split. Squires does, very early, acknowledge his lack of authority based on the fact that he does not suffer from any form of mental illness and that his article is, in fact, opinion. Squires, similar to Shyamalan, claims that those that take issue with Split have never seen it. He believes that the glorification by the therapist, as I mentioned earlier, is a main reason why the movie is unproblematic. He states, “Those with D.I.D. are not ‘broken,’ Shyamalan is telling us, but rather ‘more than’ the rest of us” (Squire). In fact, this is Squire’s entire argument as to why Split is not the correct “target” when discussing stigmatizing Hollywood roles. This argument, however, is based on the assumption that the glorification of this mental illness is positive which is not true. While Squire may be well-versed in horror movies, he does not use any sources to support his opinion other than another writer for the same website that wrote a similar article. There are no references to articles or journals written by medical professionals or those that suffer from DID that support his claim. It’s hard for a reader to be convinced of an argument when there are no sources in an article that states, specifically, “Here’s Why…” (Squire).

13 Reasons Why, as a TV show, is alarming and should have been a wake up call to many in the U.S. about how we glorify depression and suicide. It is clear that Hannah Baker had serious mental health issues and her pain was dismissed. This is a sad truth that many teens deal with in high school. I will not sit here and say everything portrayed in 13 Reasons Why is not factual. The atmosphere of the high school is an extreme case, but it is a possibility and should not be dismissed. The issue I have with this show is the lack of emphasis on mental illness. Hannah displays signs of depression that I can self-identify with but the show glosses over them to focus on the bullying taking place in the series. It is important to acknowledge that a focus on the bullying aspect of the show is needed, however, the show focuses on little else. Nothing is mentioned about any mental illness and her suicide is almost entirely blamed on the bullying she undergoes.

“Blame” is something this show grapples with a lot. In fact, the entire story is based on Hannah giving out tapes, thirteen to be exact, detailing how the listener added to her decision to end her life. This is possibly the most dangerous aspect of the show, next to her suicide scene as we have already discussed. Suicide, in Hannah’s context, is used as revenge. She is able to pass the blame of her own decision to commit suicide off of herself and onto those that caused her verbal and physical abuse. This evokes an idea that there is some kind of life after death and that Hannah lived on in her tapes. This emulates some kind of retribution that can be had from the grave. Mark Henick describes this perfectly in an article for CNN, “They advance the false notion that suicides are a way to teach others a lesson, and that the deceased person will finally be understood and vindicated. They won’t. They’ll still be dead.” For those already contemplating suicide, this show could cause serious problems. The path that the series takes can be very sensitive to those that have survived attempted suicide and those that have lost others to suicide (Henick). As Henick says, which I wholeheartedly agree with, the show will not “give people the idea” to commit suicide but it could add to what he calls “suicide contagion” or “copycat suicides.”

The blaming of those who were included in the tapes creates a larger conversation about who is to “blame” for a suicide. An article that comes to terms with the ideas of blame in suicide notes in the Journal of Community and Applies Sociology states, “In particular, accounts serve the strategic purpose of avoiding or assigning blame for what happened” (McClelland 227). Blaming those around Hannah for her death is one of the most damaging concepts I have ever seen enacted on television. In the end, it was no one’s decision but Hannah’s to commit suicide and no one else should be blamed. Her suicide was not the direct result of just bullying; it had a lot more to do with severe and untreated mental illness. Instead of directing attention to this fact and promoting that teens with mental illness seek help, the show passes off her suicide as a choice others made for her. Each time I heard “Welcome to your tape” I physically felt pain for those that were about to hear why she blamed them. Also stated in the article, “those reasons which are used to excuse the author for committing suicide can be seen as legitimations of an act which is normally illegitimate. Suicide notes therefore serve as evidence of socially shared beliefs as to the conditions under which suicide is seen as an acceptable act” (McClelland 228). 13 Reasons Why tries to normalize and legitimize suicides when they are “acceptable.” Is it never acceptable to commit suicide. I would not characterize the act as “cowardly,” but I also think it is very damaging to look for reasons for the audience to accept the fact that Hannah’s suicide was warranted because of the injustices done to her.

What is possibly the most shocking aspect of this show is how proud the crew is of their depiction of Hannah’s suicide scene. Nic Sheff, in an article for Vanity Fair states that he wanted and argued for a complete and graphic depiction of the suicide in episode 13. Sheff is a writer for the show and had his own experience with addiction and suicide. In his article he detailed his attempted suicide and what ultimately stopped him from going through with it (Scheff). He had swallowed a whole bottle of pills before remembering the story of another woman who had attempted suicide in which she began vomiting blood and stomach acid and shattered a glass door, injuring herself even further (Scheff). The realization that suicide is never peaceful caused Sheff to rethink his action and was able to throw up the pills he had just taken (Sheff) which is what he credits this show will be able to do as well. Sheff’s story is very powerful and should be heard, however, the young adults and teenagers watching this show do not have a similar experience to make them rethink their actions in the same way. Sheff claimed he wanted “to dispel the myth of the quiet drifting off” that is commonly associated with suicide (Sheff) but that is exactly how Brian Yorkey, the writer of the thirteenth episode, portrayed Hannah’s suicide. After the initial pain of cutting her wrists, Hannah lays calmly in the bath, relieved, which completely discredits Sheff’s argument that this scene would dispel any myths about the serenity of suicide or provide a similar experience as the horrific attempted suicide Sheff mentioned. This show does little to address those in the audience that may misinterpret the “well-meaning” actions of those working on the show.

A few weeks ago, I was watching a gamer on youtube, John Wolfe, play a game made by an independent developer called Rise of Insanity. In this game, your main protagonist is a psychiatrist that works with patients suffering from schizophrenia and dissociative identity disorder. The game begins with a radio broadcast about a crazed man who murdered his entire family. John, jokingly, made an assumption that the protagonist was actually the murderer and that the family was his own (“Rise of…”). Sadly, his assumption was all too right and I shared in on his frustrations. The storyline continuously describes a patient that has become violent and has possibly killed an entire family. This is a common storyline that I have seen among independent developers, and some larger developers such as Konami, the creators of the Silent Hill franchise. The entire point of the plot relies on the fact that the main character is not only mentally ill, but also unstable and violent. The only times that the homicidal ideation of mental illness is brought up is when it is carried out. This is just not a correct representation of the norm.

On their own website, the developers, Red Limb Studio, claims that this game was “inspired by the greatest psychological horror movies” (Red Limb Studio). This was particularly alarming to me because it truly showcases my point: these depictions of mental illness bleed into other aspects of the media and into popular thought. Is it really “just a movie” if it inspires others to adapt and recreate the same storyline repeatedly? It creates a hive-mind that the only way to depict the horrors of mental illness is through violence. I do believe there are ways that mental illness can be accurately portrayed in a strictly horror-centric movie or game. Mental illness is very scary, especially for those living with it every day. It is scary to not be in control of your own emotions. There are so many video games, however, that rely on violence such as Outlast, Remothered: Tormented Fathers, Descent: Silence of Mind, Please, and many, many more.

I cannot simply say that all video games that feature mental illness are entirely problematic, though, so I will mention one that I believe did quite well. About a year ago, I played a video game called Alice: Madness Returns that follows the character of Alice from Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland. This game, in particular, really struck a chord with me because of its depiction of mental illness in context of trauma and memory. While I am not very fond of the title of the game, the word “madness” being one that provokes interest for the sake of insanity, a general money-making move, I feel the developing studio, Spicy Horse, attempted with great effort to create a game that did not villainize or glorify the force of mental illness and instead depicted the trying process of piecing a fractured memory back together.

In Christina Fawcett’s “American McGee’s Alice: Madness Returns and Traumatic Memory,” the true intentions of the game are discussed. As adjunct faculty in the Department of English at the University of Winnipeg, she has been researching the psychological and emotional representation of villains and monsters in video games (Fawcett). She discusses the problem with the therapy Alice is receiving in the game in which Dr. Brumpy focuses on repressing Alice’s memory which weakens her and leaves her vulnerable. The goal of the player is to piece her memory back together by finding fractured memories. Fawcett describes that this method is meant to “[restore] dissociated memories and return a sense of wholeness to the patient” (Fawcett 496). When I first began playing the game, I criticized this process because I felt it was too easy or concise. However, the developer was able to simulate the difficulty of the task by giving Alice side-quests that distract her from her main goal. Her path to recovery is not depicted as a linear, steady path.

This representation of memory trauma is what I hope to see more of in the future with other illnesses as well. The developers of the game never questioned how real Wonderland is to Alice. There is no expectation for Alice to remove herself from “silly fantasies” or discredit her experience. It also does not glorify her trauma as the closer she gets to remembering, the darker and harder the environment becomes to traverse. Wonderland is not a place where she can escape her trauma, she lives in it no matter where she goes, which is very characteristic of mental illness. As the game progresses Alice also becomes engrossed in more combat but this is characterized as part of the game as Alice is never described as violent and it is never linked to her illness. This refreshing take on how mental illness can be depicted in video games is something that is rare and highly valuable as a lesson to other developers.

These stigmas manifest themselves from our television and computer screens into our everyday lives. These stigmas as described by writers for the Graduate Institute of Professional Psychology, “are acquired gradually over a lifetime and that their roots are established in childhood” (Wahl). A very specific instance of this stigma infesting how we view those with mental illness is crime, specifically gun violence. According to a database article written for the Salem Press Encyclopedia, about 64% (1.2 million) of those in jail suffer from a mental illness (Saral). Whether or not their illness was related to the crime they were sentenced for was not included. According to the National Institute for Mental Health, 44.7 million Americans suffer from mental health issues (“Mental Illness…”). This means, that less than one percent (.02%) of those living with mental illness are serving a sentence in an American prison. Saral also states, “among crimes committed by those suffering from mental illness, only 7.5 percent could be associated directly with the symptoms of the illness as a causative factor” (Saral). This information came from a study conducted by the American Psychological Association. Despite these facts, “According to the University of Washington School of Social Work, public perception of mental illness as connected to violent and dangerous behavior has steadily increased, spurred by depictions in news media and entertainment sources” (Saral). This is an interesting assumption for Americans to make since only about 4% of the violent crimes committed in America are done by those diagnosed with a mental illness (Metzl).

There are and should be restrictions on gun ownership based on mental health. That is a necessary way to protect not just the community, but especially the mentally ill person. It is unfounded and truly damaging to claim, however, that gun violence is an issue of mental illness because, “growing evidence suggests that mass shootings represent statistical aberrations that reveal more about particularly horrible instances than they do about population-level events...basing gun crime---prevention efforts on the mental health histories of mass shooters risks building “common evidence” from “uncommon things” (Metzl). The general idea that mental illness causes gun violence and jumping to connections without finding clear evidence ignores contributors like substance abuse, domestic violence, availability of firearms, suicidality, social networks, economic stress, and other factors (Metzl). Mental illness is not a pathway to violence. In fact, according to an article written for the American Journal of Public Health, “nearly 1 in 10 adults has access to firearms and also has a problem with anger and impulsive aggressive behavior” (Metzl). This does not state that the 10% included in this statistic has a mental illness. As this article states, there is plenty of talk of the small population that commits acts of violence but little about the victimhood the mentally ill can face daily and, “blaming persons with mental disorders for gun crime overlooks the threats posed to society by a much larger population—the sane.” (Metzl). Based on my reading of Metzl’s article, there is a much higher chance of a mentally ill person being a victim than they are of being the perpetrator. So, to assume that gun violence is an issue of mental illness, is ignorant and not factual.

I ask that we stop having the gun violence debate as if it is centered solely around mental illness, and talk more about the causes within small communities that could attribute to this larger problem. The issue of gun violence is an ever growing and hot topic currently in the United States but is clouded by the use of false claims and financial gain. It is time to pay more attention to how we give back to our small communities to create a larger change for the safety of all Americans.

Acknowledgement

I have always been very passionate about how the mentally ill are depicted in movies and TV and this was an essay I have been wanting to write since the release of 13 Reasons Why. I want to acknowledge everyone working to break down stigmas about mental illness in their lives that inspire me to do the same. I would like to recognize the Brain & Behavior Research Foundation for their amazing work with connecting researchers to funding. I would also like to thank myself for having the ability and courage to recognize when the media gets it wrong even when their ratings are good.

Works Cited

Brian Yorkey, creator. 13 Reasons Why. Netflix, (2017). Accessed 5 March 2018.

Center for Disease Control. “5 Leading Causes of Death, United States - 2016.” National Center

for Injury Control, Center for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for

Health Statistics, National Vital Statistics System, (2016).

https://webappa.cdc.gov/cgi-bin/broker.exe Accessed 30 March 2018.

Fawcett, C. (2016), “American McGee's Alice: Madness Returns and Traumatic Memory.”

Journal of Popular Culture, Vol.49, Iss.3 (p. 492-521). doi:10.1111/jpcu.12414 Accessed

15 March 2018.

Henick, M. “Why ‘13 Reasons Why’ Is Dangerous.” CNN, (2017).

https://www.cnn.com/2017/05/03/opinions/13-reasons-why-gets-it-wrong-henick-opinion

/index.html Accessed 28 February 2018.

Kondo, N. “Speaking Out: Mental Illness in Film.” Psychiatric Rehabilitation Journal, Vol.31,

No.3  Boston University, (2008).

http://web.b.ebscohost.com.proxy.emerson.edu/ehost/detail/detail?vid=1&sid=0ec0687c-

ee81-4a9b-85db-f3f17c7bbf8a%40sessionmgr104&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWhvc3QtbGl2ZQ

%3d%3d#AN=2008-00786-013&db=pdh Accessed 10 March 2018.

McClelland, L. et al. “A Last Defense: The Negotiation of Blame in Suicide Notes.” Journal of

Community and Applied Social Psychology, Vol.10, Iss.3, p.225-240, (2000).

http://proxy.emerson.edu/login?url=http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&

db=aph&AN=11820052&site=eds-live Accessed 25 March 2018.

Metzl, J. PhD. et al. “Mental Illness, Mass Shootings and the Politics of American Firearms.”

American Journal of Public Health, Framing Health Matters, Vol.105, No.2, (2015)

https://ajph.aphapublications.org/doi/pdf/10.2105/AJPH.2014.302242 Accessed 8 April

2018.

National Institute for Mental Health. “Mental Illness…” National Institute for Mental Health,

(2017). https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/mental-illness.shtml Accessed 1 April

2018.

Nedelman, M. “What Shyamalan’s ‘Split’ Gets Wrong About Dissociative Identity Disorder.”

CNN, (2017).

https://www.cnn.com/2017/01/23/health/shyamalan-split-movie-dissociative-identity-dis

order/index.html Accessed 15 March 2018.

Red Limb Studio. “Rise of Insanity” Red Limb Studio, (2018). http://redlimbstudio.com/roi.html

Accessed 25 March 2018.

“Rise of Insanity - You Won’t Believe the Twist!” YouTube, uploaded by John Wolfe, 8 March

2018. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HSnk3VxesYY Accessed 8 March 2018.

Saral, T. "Mental Illness and Crime." Salem Press Encyclopedia, 2014. EBSCOhost,

proxy.emerson.edu/login?url=http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=ers

&AN=95342956&site=eds-live. Accessed 25 March 2018.

Split. Directed by M. Night Shyamalan, performance by James McAvoy, Blumhouse

Productions, (2016). Accessed 30 September 2016.

Nic Sheff. “13 Reasons Why Writer: Why We Didn’t Shy Away from Hannah’s Suicide.” Vanity

Fair, (2017).

https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2017/04/13-reasons-why-suicide-controversy-nic-

sheff-writer Acessed 22 March 2018.

Wahl, O. et al. “The Depiction of Mental Illness in Children’s Television Programs.” Journal of

Community Psychology, Vol.35, No.1, (2007). http://proxy.emerson.edu/login?url=http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=edb&AN=23289239&site=eds-live Accessed 3 April 2018.

[katrinalishious]

Tweet-Pilation #2: Being Gullible

[A compilation of a series of tweets I made on being gullible, in one document. Click tweets here.]

It seems that the more one works on their over-reliance on having company and support in their lives, the less gullible and stupid they become. Maybe because we tend to believe what feels good so easily for a sense of mortal strength.

If one practices their emotional strength to the point that they don't need validation from outside sources to feel righteous in their decisions, of course they not going to go with the flow. And I feel people, including me at one point, who want to "go with the flow" so that people don't get angrier, upset at us, or start alienating us, are going to be part of the gullible sect, mostly. In my experience, because I lived like that a long time, I had a very naive view of the world. I worshiped my role models and loved every person I met and never noticed the deeper intentions. I was willing to either block out the negative characteristics, or I barely ever noticed them, if at all, because I was SO pumped to have a friend, family, or even a person to talk to that my ability to see past some of their lies was nearly impossible.

Notice the usage of "impossible." I didn't really have control of it back then. I didn't even know it was an issue.

So, to break out of that cycle of blindness, I had to work on my over dependence on other people to feel complete. Not that I intended to be less blind. You don't know you're living in hell until you escape it. I can't say I am never naive or gullible anymore. But what I can say is that people whom I used to look up to and thought were AMAZING individuals with intelligence, suddenly annoy the pterodactyl out of me, now.

I can see past the woven silken dreams of his calm exterior and his warm salt-bathed words and realize behind it all is a poisonous desire to be revered as excellent, talented, and a know-it-all. As he spews this stream of garbage about the total circumference of the sun, the next Game Informer mags that came out, and his unlimited knowledge in the news, I feel ill. Question me because I used to like this guy SO much. I'm serious. (In a friendly way)

Of course, one of my friends told me he's always been this way for his entire life.

Here's an important note to keep. If you work on removing your overwhelming desire to need people and to have them by your side, you won't have any reason to be gullible. You won't feel afraid of questioning kind people because you don't need them to stay. STILL, tho, being naive is a matter of not questioning anything. You can be the most emotionally independent person and if you never question your friends and your beliefs, you can still be gullible.

Lessons I've learned: don't be afraid to question the ones you love and always learn how to be self-reliant, at least emotionally. Also, go out and live your life with others in this world. You can't know who to trust and who not to trust until you stake out the waters yourself, lol. Okay I'm done now.

End note: What am I referring to when I made those series of tweets? I guess to the impeding vision I have of those so emotionally reliant on the people they love, that they'd rather not notice their flaws and pretend everything is okay. And I suppose I got in the habit of it myself. And that's my life's gullible-ness in a nutshell.

Don't do what I did. Question everything and be inquisitive. If you don't you'll only see a whole LOT of hurt. Hurt yourself with the truth before life destroys you for not seeing it.

#philosophy #naivete #naive #childish #young

*From my Twitter: these are tweets compiled into a word document. Here's the string of tweets on the subject here.https://twitter.com/katrinalishio…/status/937111027199725568 *

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Life is about Progression

About two years ago I had graduated from college, spent the summer working, and then slipped into a slump when the fall hit. I was unemployed, unmotivated, inactive, and mentally in a shit place. I remember looking in the mirror and not being proud of what I saw. I’ve never been super insecure but I challenged myself to work on myself until I could look in that same mirror and go “Oh hey girl, how you doin’ today? You look fab, go kill it.” 

I started “working out” again, which for me meant putting in a DVD of Dancing with the Stars dance routines. I’ve always loved dancing, it’s the one form of movement that motivates me to actually get up and, ya know, move. I started in my room, but was so aware of how much noise I was making, jumping up and down and all. After doing the routines a few times I realized I hadn’t danced in soooo long. And I realized how much I loved it and needed it to feel happy and active. I started playing regular music and just freestyle dancing in my room. I started feeling so much more happy, generally. After a few months I started to see results in the physicality of my body. I was toned and satisfied and happy that I was including dance in my routine again. Quitting dancing when I was little was literally the only regret I had throughout my life. I’m proud that I picked it back up after being true to myself and true to what I enjoy doing. I could look in the mirror and be proud of my body and how it got that way.

A few months after I started dancing, I moved to a new state where I knew about 3 people, all family. I didn’t know anyone my own age and I was a little excited because I told myself I’d be able to pick and choose who I hung out with and was curious to see who I’d be drawn to. I then realized I had no form of school, where I was gifted with hundreds of people my age. I didn’t realize how easy school made it to make friends. You were automatically supplied with people your own age to converse with and befriend. I was hit with a challenge: find places where people my age hung out. Uhhhh, bars? How could I go into a bar and come out with new best friends? Kind of impossible. I joined a volleyball and kickball league hoping to meet people that way but soon realized the athletic-type of people in Denver were so not my type of people. But I didn’t really know what my “type” of person was..... So that led me to a new theory: if I’m myself 10000% of the time I should naturally attract people who are similar to myself. New challenge: find out what truly 10000% defines Kathryn and be confident in that. 

Okay. Finding out what truly defined me meant re-discovering everything I buried over the years trying to fit in in high school and college. That meant going back to my 5-10 year old music that everybody shit on all the time because it was “outdated”. I just stopped playing my music whenever people were around. Even in my own car. I realized I shouldn’t have to do that, I should always be able to listen to what I wanted to listen to without having to worry about what people thought. Being truly Kathryn also meant going back to my bold fashion sense. I realized I toned down a lot of what I liked, or would buy clothes that I loved but was never bold enough to wear them out in public. I never liked drawing attention to myself. But why? I honestly think I toned everything down because I would feel bad for the people who would see my sense of style and feel bad about their own. I was dimming my own sparkle so other’s wouldn’t feel bad about themselves. How was that right? That would technically be their own problem. It definitely wasn’t being truly Kathryn. New challenge: Wear whatever the fuck I want to wear, no matter how glitzy or bold, and not be intimidated by the extra attention. If my personal style is to look good all the time, well damnit I’m gonna look good all the time. 

The next thing I buried because it drew attention to myself: singing. I’m pretty sure 80% of the people I know don’t know that I’ve been singing since I was 7 years old, or at least have never heard me sing. It’s probably because most of said singing was done in church choirs and no one I associated with went to my church, but I shut down my voice when it got shushed in my own home, too. I would be singing and dancing in front of my mirror when I was little and my sisters would sneak in the door to scare me, or text me and ask me to stop moving so much because the floors were squeaking. So I muted what I loved to please the other members of my household. Is that right? One of my sister’s would always make faces when I sang too, and not pleasant ones, which made me feel like I wasn’t a good singer. I wasn’t in any choir in college and the same thing happened with dancing: I realized it’s something that I love to do; something that makes me feel happy and complete and like myself, and I shut that down. Time to bring it back. I joined another choir when I moved out of state and was reminded of how much I love it and how much I need it in my life. 

Progress so far: I realized and named the three things I loved in life that made me feel the happiest version of myself: dancing, fashion, and singing. I also realized I shut a lot of that out because who likes a girl going around looking fabulous just singing and dancing all the time? oh yeah, I DO. Because I like myself and I had challenged myself to find things that made me feel happiest about myself and within myself. I look in the mirror all the time (I have three mirrors in my room, is that weird?) and can confidently smile at myself and say “Oh Hey girl, how you doin’ today? You look fab, go kill it.” 

Quotes that keep me going: “Be the person you’d like to meet.” “Be the girl that everyone wants but nobody can have.” “Don’t take anything personally.” “Invest in you.” “Dance like no one’s watching.” “Mind ya damn business.” “You shouldn’t have to teach anyone how to treat you.” “Stop dimming your shine to make other’s more comfortable.” “Be impeccable with your word.” “Nothing changes if nothing changes.” “Be proud of who you are.” “If you are determined to learn, no one can stop you.” “The future is female.”

Now I realize no one is probably still reading this, but honestly if every single person on this planet were to do the same thing, to start working on themselves until they can look in one of the three mirrors in their room and say “oh hey you, how you doin’ today? You look fab, go kill it”, the world would be a much happier space. CHANGE STARTS INTERNALLY. the most important thing in this life is to befriend yourself first. You are literally the only person you will spend every single damn second of your life with, so why wouldn’t you want to be friends with yourself? When you can be alone in your own head and not freak out, when you can be alone in your own head and laugh at your own jokes or be encouraging to yourself, when you become your own best friend, you will become unstoppable. Why? because you won’t need to be reliant on anyone. You won’t need validation from ANYONE. Because you will have your own validation from yourself. When you are good enough for yourself, when you look in a mirror and are PROUD of you, you will be able to do anything you want to do. Invest in you. Be your own biggest fan. Learn how to sit in a room alone and be completely comfortable. I want every single person on this earth to be happy with themselves. I want every single human to feel the confidence that I do, because everyone deserves that. YOU hold ALL of the power to change your own life. BUT, it has to start with the way you think about yourself.  

Now, the journey to befriending yourself is not easy. You will most definitely have bad days. You will most definitely have days where you want to break all three mirrors in your room. You will feel insecure and seek validation from outside sources. That’s all inevitable. The point is that you keep going, you keep trying. You continuously pick yourself up again and again. You do the best you can. If you REALLY want to be your own friend and get to that happy space, you will make sure you get there. People do what they want to do, and if they don’t want to do something they find an excuse. How many excuses do you make with yourself? Start there. No more bullshit. Be impeccable with your own word to yourself. If you promise yourself you’re going to work out after working a 10 hour day, then you damn well better go work out. You will feel amazing after because you kept your own promise to yourself. Start there. Keep promises to yourself. Be kind to yourself, too. if you have a shit day and have had a long-ass week, it’s completely 100% okay to take a day off and stay in bed all day binge watching Netflix. Just don’t do it 7 days in a row. Self care is SO IMPORTANT if you want to befriend yourself. Treat yo’ self. It’s okay. Take care of you. Invest in you. Be gentle and kind. But don’t indulge, find the balance. Balance is KEY. Work your ass off to get to your goals, and take a day off to recover and recoup and refresh. It’s okay. Please, be a little selfish. It’s okay. If you have a bad day, it’s okay. They are going to happen. BUT, be sure you pick yourself up after!! Don’t ever stay down. Be resilient. Be YOU. Be 10000% YOU. and be PROUD of you. You get one body and one life and one soul, you better make it your best. And always know that I am rooting for you. Z<3

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Transcript of Monetize Your Expertise and Thrive

Transcript of Monetize Your Expertise and Thrive written by John Jantsch read more at Duct Tape Marketing

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Transcript

John Jantsch: Hello and welcome to another episode of the Duct Tape Marketing podcast. This is John Jantsch and my guest today is Dorie Clark. She is a marketing and strategy consultant and frequent contributor to Harvest … not Harvest, Harvard Business Review, Entrepreneur and Forbes. She’s also the author of a new book we’re going to talk about today, Entrepreneurial You: Monetize Your Expertise, Create Multiple Income Streams, and Thrive. Welcome back, Dorie.

Dorie Clark: John, it’s great talking with you.

John Jantsch: I never edit out those flobs because I think people enjoy those, so there’s got to be a Harvest Business Review out there, like farmers read it or something, I don’t know.

Dorie Clark: Absolutely. I should write for that too, that would be pretty cool.

John Jantsch: All right. Let me ask you this, I had somebody on the other day, a new book on social media and this is a book on essentially kind of branding and starting a personal business or whatnot. A lot of books on both of those topics. Help me with kind of do you feel like there’s a new central idea you’re presenting here?

Dorie Clark: There is. Essentially, I actually sought to write a book that I had not seen before. I wanted to really write a book that was information that I was after. Entrepreneurial You, fundamentally, is talking honestly about how people make money as coaches and consultants, and providing a framework and a roadmap to help them do it even more effectively. I interviewed 50 + very successful six and seven figure entrepreneurs, yourself included, John, and really broke down their revenue models and helped to explain, okay, here are the options. If you’re a coach, if you’re a consultant, and if you are a small business owner of any kind, what are the things that you’re not doing now, but could to increase your revenue and leverage your time to be able to diversify and get even more bang out of the buck of your customer relationships?

John Jantsch: I think a lot of people have certainly come to realize the corporate way is maybe over, to some extent. Now, is everyone a consultant, author and speaker? It’s kind of the triple thread.

Dorie Clark: A lot of people are, certainly. In fact, of course, there’s a well-publicized study that was done by Intuit that said 40% of Americans would be freelance, or self-employed professionals, so we’re getting very close to one in two.

Even for people who are not I, in fact, argue that one of the safest things that you can do for your career is to develop at least one other income stream so that you’re not so reliant on one source of income. Certainly for anybody that’s an entrepreneur or a small business owner, in some ways, we’re diversified because, of course, we have multiple clients and that’s good, so if there’s some kind of a shock, or a disruption, you lose an account, or what have you, you have other options.

I would argue that really … People misunderstand, they think entrepreneurship is about risk taking, when actually it’s about being smart and risk mitigation. The best way to mitigate it is to offer multiple types of services, or offerings to your existing clients so that you have options and you have more legs under the table.

John Jantsch: It’s funny I, over the years, have applied for a mortgage or to refinance my house or something and the fact that I was an entrepreneur in some banker’s eyes made me more of a risk. I used to sit there and think, “You know, I’ve been doing this for X amount of years, I’ve had the same income, I decide what my income’s going to be and like I think somebody who’s in a job getting paid a salary is the ultimate risk.” I think people are coming around that a little bit, but there’s still that mindset.

Dorie Clark: Absolutely. I learned it early on rather inadvertently because I got my start professionally as a journalist and I ended up … it was my first job and I was just out of college, I did it for a year and then I got laid off and I couldn’t get another job as a journalist because they were really starting to collapse at the time. That was the first taste of understanding that you really can go from being totally fine one minute, to completely not fine the next without any warning. I think the real benefit of entrepreneurship is understanding that you can find ways to really protect yourself a lot more strategically in the ways that are necessary in today’s economy.

John Jantsch: You have developed a self-assessment as part of this book, I guess, to help people decide not only is this for them, but maybe what path. You want to talk about that?

Dorie Clark: Yeah, that’s exactly right. I actually created a free resource. It is the Entrepreneurial You self-assessment and it is 88 questions that actually walks people step-by-step through thinking about what types of additional income streams might be right for them and their business and figuring out how to implement that. Folks who’d to get that for free, they can download it at http://ift.tt/2g15N7d.

John Jantsch: Yeah, and the first test is if you can answer 88 questions [inaudible 00:05:44] you’re probably not going to make it, right?

Dorie Clark: 88 is good too. This is my global self-assessment, John because 88 is a super lucky number in China.

John Jantsch: Oh, nice.

Dorie Clark: Particularly if you want to crack the international market, answer these 88 questions, you’ll be good to go.

John Jantsch: Especially in the millennials, the term portfolio career is … as opposed to my dad or even me, to some extent, I’ve been doing the same thing for 30 years, essentially. This idea of a portfolio career, I think is where you … almost each move is maybe gaining you towards another move, or that that’s inevitable. Is that the reality, you think?

Dorie Clark: I think increasingly it is. Partly there’s always been a subset of the population that has wished for such a thing. I think you and I probably both know folks where some folks are so focused, all they want to do is one thing, but then there’s another kind of person that they’re sort of renaissance people, they’re into lots of things. They enjoy the variety, they enjoy the different challenges. Up until pretty recently, those sorts of folks have been at a disadvantage because society just wasn’t really structured in a way that accommodated it.

Now, we have a lot more possibilities. Also, just in terms of overall workplace trends, because we are entering a world that is much more freelance-based and much more focused on that, I think that the concept of a portfolio career is increasingly becoming the norm. I think about even my own career, one of the reasons that I wanted to immerse myself in this and learn even more about it is that, over the past number of years as a marketing strategy consultant, which is the core of my business, I was originally probably like a lot of your listeners, making all my money from consulting work. People would hire me to do marketing plan or social media strategy or whatever. That was it, that was the only tool in my toolkit.

I now make money in seven different ways. I have worked to build out seven different income streams. I still do consulting, but I also do executive coaching, I write books, I give paid keynote speeches, I do part-time business school teaching, I’ve developed online courses and I also do some affiliate marketing. Those are ways to really create stability and optionality in my business.

John Jantsch: Do members of your family wonder when you’re going to get a real job?

Dorie Clark: I’m on year 11, so I haven’t-

John Jantsch: They’ve stopped asking you now.

Dorie Clark: They have, yeah-

John Jantsch: Whatever, I don’t get what you do, but you seems to be putting food on the table-

Dorie Clark: … marketing, but it’s getting there.

John Jantsch: One of the big pieces of advice that come from a lot of books, or just even point of view from this type of thing is that you have to become this trusted resource on X. I see definitely a lot of people doing that, but I also see a lot of people seeing that as the invitation to jump in and be like the new crazy leader in whatever new social platform comes along. How do you balance that sort of advice of you have to be the trusted resource on something with a lot of people feeling they end up just jumping from thing to thing, trying to be that?

Dorie Clark: Yeah, I think you raise an important point. Certainly, to be fair, there are sometimes first mover advantages. If people hop onto a platform and it turns out that that platform has staying power, fantastic. If you are joining Twitter, let’s say today, it’s almost impossible, unless you are already a celebrity to get a million followers. Building that from the ground up now is virtually nil. Whereas, if you happened to join in 2006 or 2007 and even if you were a regular person, you could become the Twitter celebrity and gain a lot of traction as a result of that.

I think the bigger point, the more overarching one is that regardless of the platform, the concept of becoming a trusted authority is a useful and valuable one. What’s the alternative, right? We all want to be trusted. Regardless of which way you choose to do it, sometimes people will say, “Oh, but I’m not a writer,” or whatever. It’s fine. It’s about the ideas. You could blog, you could podcast, you could use certain social channels, you could do videos, whatever it is, but you want to be communicating your ideas in such a way that people can look at them, see them and say, “Oh, he makes sense, I want to hear from him more.”

That’s really all it’s about, because otherwise, if you raise your hand and you say, “Oh yeah, I’m a consultant,” well, no one knows if you’re any good. You have to give them a way to look at your ideas and validate them for themselves so that they could say, “Yes, give me more of that.”

John Jantsch: The thing that’s really tough, I think, for a lot of people is that you really do need to lock into, I think, a unique point of view, or at least something that’s different and then you have to repeat it a billion times for five years, I think, in many cases for it to ring true. I think that’s the real challenge for a lot of people. I’m not just saying it takes work, it takes commitment and consistency.

Dorie Clark: Yeah, that’s very true. Certainly for me, it took between two and three years for me to start seeing literally any results from the blogging that I was doing when I first got started. During that time, that initial period, there is a real question that legitimately arises in people’s minds, which is, “Is this working at all?” It could be that it’s not working yet, but it also could be that it’s just not working and you don’t know and you have to have that leap of faith.

The key thing … and this actually a study that I cite in Entrepreneurial You, there was a study, there was done a longitudinal study of podcasts between 2005 and 2015. The stunning thing, John … Now, of course, we all know, there’s a huge number of podcasts, including this excellent one. Many people say, “Oh gosh, how can you ever stand out? How can you ever compete with so many?” The truth is, over a 10 year period, the average podcast duration, the average amount of time that a person was able to keep up a podcast was for 12 episodes and then they quit. The truth is if you just don’t quit, if you keep going, you’re not competing with 300,000 people, you’re competing with 3,000 or 300 and that can make a huge difference in your ability to succeed.

John Jantsch: Yeah, there’s no question. Speaking of podcast, one big component of this approach and what you talk about in the book is this idea of building your own brand. One of the things that I’ve seen you do, because I watched your … I don’t know if rise is the right, but you talked about you blogged for a couple of years, nobody was paying attention. Now, certainly people are paying attention, is that in addition to writing all of those words that you did on your own, you hassled. You got yourself on podcasts, you got yourself guest blogging things. You ultimately got yourself publications that would allow you to contribute. It happens to be that you’re really smart and you have good things to say, but you hassled.

Dorie Clark: Yeah, thank you. It’s absolutely true. Of course, you have to make sure that you’re applying yourself with these areas. Yeah, when it comes to really building your brand in a marketplace, I developed a framework around my most recent book that came out in 2015, Stand Out, about how to become a recognized expert in your field.

Fundamentally what I discovered after interviewing 50 + thought leaders across a spectrum of different industries is it’s really three things. One is content creation, which we talked about. You have to show people your ideas somehow. Number two is social proof, which is basically a term from psychology that means your credibility. What is it about you that is indicating to other people that they should actually listen to you? One of the best ways to do it is to have affiliations that other people have already heard of so that they can say, “Oh, well, you know, she’s okay, she must be okay, she’s been pre-vetted.”

Things like blogging for publications like Forbes, or The Harvard Business Review that people have heard of, that makes a big difference in terms of your perceived credibility, being on podcasts, like the Duct Tape Marketing podcast, that makes a big difference, so those things matter. Being involved even in your local civic association, your local professional association, that matters. Then third and finally, what really makes a difference in terms of becoming a recognizes expert is your network and building up a group of colleagues and allies, people that you respect and can turn to in your industry and outside that help you raise your game and get smarter and get better.

John Jantsch:  I’m going to point out another thing that you did that I think people need to understand. When you got the deal with Forbes, and correct me if I’m wrong here, you appeared to use that beautifully to open doors to build some of those relationships. Everybody heard of Forbes, maybe I haven’t heard of Dorie Clark, but Forbes? Yeah, I’ve heard of that, so sure, I’ll take her call, or I’ll take her email, or I’ll be interviewed by her because that’ll be put me in Forbes. Again, I think there are probably people that have used some of that kind of thing, but I think you used it beautifully as a door-opener.

Dorie Clark:  Yeah, thank you, John, that’s exactly right. I had a very specific strategy around it, which I think was a win-win because it’s resulted in a lot of good pieces for Forbes and good coverage of different people in Forbes. When I first started, I didn’t really have any connections in the field at all. I wanted to meet people, I wanted to get to know folks that I had read about and had admired.

With the Forbes and Promoter, you’re exactly right. Not necessarily the most famous people. You won’t necessarily get to talk to Elon Musk or whatever, but most people who are not mega billionaires would like to be interviewed in Forbes, and so if you reach out and you ask, almost always you’ll get a yes. It gives you an opportunity to start the relationship from a very positive place, from a giving place. Sometimes you will hit it off with that person and be able to develop a deeper relationship.

John Jantsch: That’s right. The reason I pointed that out and I’m not trying to put you on the spot, or embarrass you, but I think people need to realize that there are many, many ways that you can apply that and it’s kind of like you’re just trying to evolve in that strategy. I think that’s another thing, I think people underestimate is they read a book like this, or they see this concept and they want to go straight for, “I’m the expert. I’m the leader in this field and I think there is an evolutionary process to like where you start and maybe where you try to get to.”

Dorie Clark: Yes, that’s right. It definitely almost always takes longer than you want, or than you expect, but it really … One of the stories that I tell on Entrepreneurial You, which I think is the most impactful is about a woman named Stefanie O’Connell who’s working to establish herself as a millennial personal finance expert. Like a lot of us, it was slow-going, she didn’t see a lot of progress, but one of the mantras that she had was that she had to celebrate the small wins along the way and she looked for them.

Even if it’s something like you’re blogging for free and then suddenly someone offers you $25 to do it, or maybe you write a piece and someone you admire retweets it, or maybe you go from having to pitch yourself all the time to the first time that someone says, “Oh, will you write for us?” Those are all sings. A lot of people are just looking for having Made it with a capital M, and instead, we need to look for the small wins to say, “Okay, it’s going to take a while, but I am headed in the right direction.”

John Jantsch: I think sometimes we underestimate it. We see the people that have “made it” and we don’t remember, or we hadn’t witnessed the 15 years they put in to get there. I think that’s what society seems to sort of reward the made it stage and not so much the making it stage.

Dorie Clark: Yeah, that’s exactly right. In fact, that’s why I wrote Stand Out, was I really wanted to puncture that myth, because you only see the finished product. I wanted to really understand what it took to build toward it, what was that middle phase that so often gets elated in the popular discourse.

John Jantsch: Let’s talk about money, making money more specifically. Once you’ve built this expertise. You see a lot of people that some of the most successes, biggest successes financially that I’ve seen are people that built a community, built an expertise because they probably had a revenue stream somewhere else and then all of sudden they thought, “I’ve got 100,000 followers, I think I’ll monetize that.” That’s a beautiful way to build a business, but for a person that is trying to put food on the table, that might not work.

What do you typically run up against when people start saying, “Okay, I’m going to start freelancing here,” or, “Start coaching on the side here,” when it comes to actually asking somebody to pay for their expertise, where do people get tripped up?

Dorie Clark: Yeah, I think you’re putting your finger on something important, which is that those earliest days, those earliest customers can be incredibly nerve-wracking. One of the stories that I tell in Entrepreneurial You is about a guy named Andrew Warner who runs a business called Mixergy, which is a subscription service where he’s done more than 1,200 interviews of startup entrepreneurs and people can pay a subscription and they can access them sort of Netflix style on an unlimited basis.

Originally, he was doing these videos and sharing them completely for free. Eventually, he had amped up the production quality, he had producers and editors and he was paying out-of-pocket and he realized it just wasn’t sustainable and so he decided to start charging. He was really terrified that people would rebel, that they’d call him a sellout and they’d get angry that he was somehow taking away something that they had grown accustomed to getting for free.

I think that that can be the case with a lot of us that we are nervous sometimes about being willing to charge at all, or maybe like the next step down the road is being willing to charge what we’re worth, as opposed to a steeply discounted fee. In many cases, we do have to just plunge forward. Another person that I profile in Entrepreneurial You is a consultant who, I think, you probably know, Michael Bungay Stanier.

John Jantsch: Mm-hmm (affirmative), sure.

Dorie Clark: His line, which I quote in the book and I love is that, “When you ask for your fee, it should be fear plus 10%.”

John Jantsch: I do work with a lot of consultants and one of the things I see quite often is, again, especially if they’re new, getting started, it’s that fear, “I’m going to be rejected.” I think, in some cases, what’s worse is this fear that, “I actually deserve this much,” or that, “I’m worth this much.” I really try to … especially after people start working with folks, if you can get a handle on the results you’re producing and the value you’re delivering in very tangible ways, that can sure help your posture, I think, when it comes to asking for a fee.

Dorie Clark: Yeah, that’s exactly right. Early on, being able to quantify the ROI and helping people really see that and visualize that is so important. I also want to go back and hammer something we were talking about earlier, which is the social proof element, the credibility element. When we think about premium pricing, or not even premium pricing, just fair pricing, but certainly premium pricing, something that helps justify that.

Partly it’s justifying it to the client, but also sometimes it’s justifying it to ourselves, is having that social proof, having those affiliations that say, “Well, you know, okay, there’s a lot of consultants out there, but if this one is blogging for Forbes, or if this one has keynoted in event at such and such corporation, then they’re worth more.” Are they better? I put in air quotes, maybe, maybe not, but the social proof helps be a factor that convinces people that you are.

John Jantsch: Yeah. I often laugh with people that, when my first book came out and then hit the list and was a popular book, I actually tripled my speaking fee and nobody cared if I was any good anymore, they just assumed I was.

Dorie Clark: That is right. That’s right. Absolutely.

John Jantsch: This is really hard and this is [inaudible 00:23:45] hindsight, me saying this, but sometimes when I talk to a consultant and then they say, “Well, I’ll do this for this amount of money,” I feel like saying, “Who would believe you could actually do it for that cost? It’s so cheap that there’s no way I could get a good product, or a good result from that little of a fee.” I think sometimes people underestimate that that goes on in people’s heads as much as anything.

Dorie Clark: Yeah, that’s exactly right. I actually tell a story in Entrepreneurial You, I thought this was so stunning. There’s an author friend that I have who you might also know named Kevin Kruse. Kevin told me a story about a time he was actually on the other side of the equation. At one point in his career he was the executive director of a large professional association and they were having a conference and they wanted to have a particular speaker. They’d had a committee meeting and people had suggested this guy. He had great credentials. He was an Ivy League professor, he had a bestselling book, everybody had heard of him.

They thought, “Okay,..

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Transcript of Monetize Your Expertise and Thrive

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  John Jantsch: Hello and welcome to another episode of the Duct Tape Marketing podcast. This is John Jantsch and my guest today is Dorie Clark. She is a marketing and strategy consultant and frequent contributor to Harvest … not Harvest, Harvard Business Review, Entrepreneur and Forbes. She’s also the author of a new book we’re going to talk about today, Entrepreneurial You: Monetize Your Expertise, Create Multiple Income Streams, and Thrive. Welcome back, Dorie.

Dorie Clark: John, it’s great talking with you.

John Jantsch: I never edit out those flobs because I think people enjoy those, so there’s got to be a Harvest Business Review out there, like farmers read it or something, I don’t know.

Dorie Clark: Absolutely. I should write for that too, that would be pretty cool.

John Jantsch: All right. Let me ask you this, I had somebody on the other day, a new book on social media and this is a book on essentially kind of branding and starting a personal business or whatnot. A lot of books on both of those topics. Help me with kind of do you feel like there’s a new central idea you’re presenting here?

Dorie Clark: There is. Essentially, I actually sought to write a book that I had not seen before. I wanted to really write a book that was information that I was after. Entrepreneurial You, fundamentally, is talking honestly about how people make money as coaches and consultants, and providing a framework and a roadmap to help them do it even more effectively. I interviewed 50 + very successful six and seven figure entrepreneurs, yourself included, John, and really broke down their revenue models and helped to explain, okay, here are the options. If you’re a coach, if you’re a consultant, and if you are a small business owner of any kind, what are the things that you’re not doing now, but could to increase your revenue and leverage your time to be able to diversify and get even more bang out of the buck of your customer relationships?

John Jantsch: I think a lot of people have certainly come to realize the corporate way is maybe over, to some extent. Now, is everyone a consultant, author and speaker? It’s kind of the triple thread.

Dorie Clark: A lot of people are, certainly. In fact, of course, there’s a well-publicized study that was done by Intuit that said 40% of Americans would be freelance, or self-employed professionals, so we’re getting very close to one in two.

Even for people who are not I, in fact, argue that one of the safest things that you can do for your career is to develop at least one other income stream so that you’re not so reliant on one source of income. Certainly for anybody that’s an entrepreneur or a small business owner, in some ways, we’re diversified because, of course, we have multiple clients and that’s good, so if there’s some kind of a shock, or a disruption, you lose an account, or what have you, you have other options.

I would argue that really … People misunderstand, they think entrepreneurship is about risk taking, when actually it’s about being smart and risk mitigation. The best way to mitigate it is to offer multiple types of services, or offerings to your existing clients so that you have options and you have more legs under the table.

John Jantsch: It’s funny I, over the years, have applied for a mortgage or to refinance my house or something and the fact that I was an entrepreneur in some banker’s eyes made me more of a risk. I used to sit there and think, “You know, I’ve been doing this for X amount of years, I’ve had the same income, I decide what my income’s going to be and like I think somebody who’s in a job getting paid a salary is the ultimate risk.” I think people are coming around that a little bit, but there’s still that mindset.

Dorie Clark: Absolutely. I learned it early on rather inadvertently because I got my start professionally as a journalist and I ended up … it was my first job and I was just out of college, I did it for a year and then I got laid off and I couldn’t get another job as a journalist because they were really starting to collapse at the time. That was the first taste of understanding that you really can go from being totally fine one minute, to completely not fine the next without any warning. I think the real benefit of entrepreneurship is understanding that you can find ways to really protect yourself a lot more strategically in the ways that are necessary in today’s economy.

John Jantsch: You have developed a self-assessment as part of this book, I guess, to help people decide not only is this for them, but maybe what path. You want to talk about that?

Dorie Clark: Yeah, that’s exactly right. I actually created a free resource. It is the Entrepreneurial You self-assessment and it is 88 questions that actually walks people step-by-step through thinking about what types of additional income streams might be right for them and their business and figuring out how to implement that. Folks who’d to get that for free, they can download it at dorieclark.com/entrepreneur.

John Jantsch: Yeah, and the first test is if you can answer 88 questions [inaudible 00:05:44] you’re probably not going to make it, right?

Dorie Clark: 88 is good too. This is my global self-assessment, John because 88 is a super lucky number in China.

John Jantsch: Oh, nice.

Dorie Clark: Particularly if you want to crack the international market, answer these 88 questions, you’ll be good to go.

John Jantsch: Especially in the millennials, the term portfolio career is … as opposed to my dad or even me, to some extent, I’ve been doing the same thing for 30 years, essentially. This idea of a portfolio career, I think is where you … almost each move is maybe gaining you towards another move, or that that’s inevitable. Is that the reality, you think?

Dorie Clark: I think increasingly it is. Partly there’s always been a subset of the population that has wished for such a thing. I think you and I probably both know folks where some folks are so focused, all they want to do is one thing, but then there’s another kind of person that they’re sort of renaissance people, they’re into lots of things. They enjoy the variety, they enjoy the different challenges. Up until pretty recently, those sorts of folks have been at a disadvantage because society just wasn’t really structured in a way that accommodated it.

Now, we have a lot more possibilities. Also, just in terms of overall workplace trends, because we are entering a world that is much more freelance-based and much more focused on that, I think that the concept of a portfolio career is increasingly becoming the norm. I think about even my own career, one of the reasons that I wanted to immerse myself in this and learn even more about it is that, over the past number of years as a marketing strategy consultant, which is the core of my business, I was originally probably like a lot of your listeners, making all my money from consulting work. People would hire me to do marketing plan or social media strategy or whatever. That was it, that was the only tool in my toolkit.

I now make money in seven different ways. I have worked to build out seven different income streams. I still do consulting, but I also do executive coaching, I write books, I give paid keynote speeches, I do part-time business school teaching, I’ve developed online courses and I also do some affiliate marketing. Those are ways to really create stability and optionality in my business.

John Jantsch: Do members of your family wonder when you’re going to get a real job?

Dorie Clark: I’m on year 11, so I haven’t-

John Jantsch: They’ve stopped asking you now.

Dorie Clark: They have, yeah-

John Jantsch: Whatever, I don’t get what you do, but you seems to be putting food on the table-

Dorie Clark: … marketing, but it’s getting there.

John Jantsch: One of the big pieces of advice that come from a lot of books, or just even point of view from this type of thing is that you have to become this trusted resource on X. I see definitely a lot of people doing that, but I also see a lot of people seeing that as the invitation to jump in and be like the new crazy leader in whatever new social platform comes along. How do you balance that sort of advice of you have to be the trusted resource on something with a lot of people feeling they end up just jumping from thing to thing, trying to be that?

Dorie Clark: Yeah, I think you raise an important point. Certainly, to be fair, there are sometimes first mover advantages. If people hop onto a platform and it turns out that that platform has staying power, fantastic. If you are joining Twitter, let’s say today, it’s almost impossible, unless you are already a celebrity to get a million followers. Building that from the ground up now is virtually nil. Whereas, if you happened to join in 2006 or 2007 and even if you were a regular person, you could become the Twitter celebrity and gain a lot of traction as a result of that.

I think the bigger point, the more overarching one is that regardless of the platform, the concept of becoming a trusted authority is a useful and valuable one. What’s the alternative, right? We all want to be trusted. Regardless of which way you choose to do it, sometimes people will say, “Oh, but I’m not a writer,” or whatever. It’s fine. It’s about the ideas. You could blog, you could podcast, you could use certain social channels, you could do videos, whatever it is, but you want to be communicating your ideas in such a way that people can look at them, see them and say, “Oh, he makes sense, I want to hear from him more.”

That’s really all it’s about, because otherwise, if you raise your hand and you say, “Oh yeah, I’m a consultant,” well, no one knows if you’re any good. You have to give them a way to look at your ideas and validate them for themselves so that they could say, “Yes, give me more of that.”

John Jantsch: The thing that’s really tough, I think, for a lot of people is that you really do need to lock into, I think, a unique point of view, or at least something that’s different and then you have to repeat it a billion times for five years, I think, in many cases for it to ring true. I think that’s the real challenge for a lot of people. I’m not just saying it takes work, it takes commitment and consistency.

Dorie Clark: Yeah, that’s very true. Certainly for me, it took between two and three years for me to start seeing literally any results from the blogging that I was doing when I first got started. During that time, that initial period, there is a real question that legitimately arises in people’s minds, which is, “Is this working at all?” It could be that it’s not working yet, but it also could be that it’s just not working and you don’t know and you have to have that leap of faith.

The key thing … and this actually a study that I cite in Entrepreneurial You, there was a study, there was done a longitudinal study of podcasts between 2005 and 2015. The stunning thing, John … Now, of course, we all know, there’s a huge number of podcasts, including this excellent one. Many people say, “Oh gosh, how can you ever stand out? How can you ever compete with so many?” The truth is, over a 10 year period, the average podcast duration, the average amount of time that a person was able to keep up a podcast was for 12 episodes and then they quit. The truth is if you just don’t quit, if you keep going, you’re not competing with 300,000 people, you’re competing with 3,000 or 300 and that can make a huge difference in your ability to succeed.

John Jantsch: Yeah, there’s no question. Speaking of podcast, one big component of this approach and what you talk about in the book is this idea of building your own brand. One of the things that I’ve seen you do, because I watched your … I don’t know if rise is the right, but you talked about you blogged for a couple of years, nobody was paying attention. Now, certainly people are paying attention, is that in addition to writing all of those words that you did on your own, you hassled. You got yourself on podcasts, you got yourself guest blogging things. You ultimately got yourself publications that would allow you to contribute. It happens to be that you’re really smart and you have good things to say, but you hassled.

Dorie Clark: Yeah, thank you. It’s absolutely true. Of course, you have to make sure that you’re applying yourself with these areas. Yeah, when it comes to really building your brand in a marketplace, I developed a framework around my most recent book that came out in 2015, Stand Out, about how to become a recognized expert in your field.

Fundamentally what I discovered after interviewing 50 + thought leaders across a spectrum of different industries is it’s really three things. One is content creation, which we talked about. You have to show people your ideas somehow. Number two is social proof, which is basically a term from psychology that means your credibility. What is it about you that is indicating to other people that they should actually listen to you? One of the best ways to do it is to have affiliations that other people have already heard of so that they can say, “Oh, well, you know, she’s okay, she must be okay, she’s been pre-vetted.”

Things like blogging for publications like Forbes, or The Harvard Business Review that people have heard of, that makes a big difference in terms of your perceived credibility, being on podcasts, like the Duct Tape Marketing podcast, that makes a big difference, so those things matter. Being involved even in your local civic association, your local professional association, that matters. Then third and finally, what really makes a difference in terms of becoming a recognizes expert is your network and building up a group of colleagues and allies, people that you respect and can turn to in your industry and outside that help you raise your game and get smarter and get better.

John Jantsch:  I’m going to point out another thing that you did that I think people need to understand. When you got the deal with Forbes, and correct me if I’m wrong here, you appeared to use that beautifully to open doors to build some of those relationships. Everybody heard of Forbes, maybe I haven’t heard of Dorie Clark, but Forbes? Yeah, I’ve heard of that, so sure, I’ll take her call, or I’ll take her email, or I’ll be interviewed by her because that’ll be put me in Forbes. Again, I think there are probably people that have used some of that kind of thing, but I think you used it beautifully as a door-opener.

Dorie Clark:  Yeah, thank you, John, that’s exactly right. I had a very specific strategy around it, which I think was a win-win because it’s resulted in a lot of good pieces for Forbes and good coverage of different people in Forbes. When I first started, I didn’t really have any connections in the field at all. I wanted to meet people, I wanted to get to know folks that I had read about and had admired.

With the Forbes and Promoter, you’re exactly right. Not necessarily the most famous people. You won’t necessarily get to talk to Elon Musk or whatever, but most people who are not mega billionaires would like to be interviewed in Forbes, and so if you reach out and you ask, almost always you’ll get a yes. It gives you an opportunity to start the relationship from a very positive place, from a giving place. Sometimes you will hit it off with that person and be able to develop a deeper relationship.

John Jantsch: That’s right. The reason I pointed that out and I’m not trying to put you on the spot, or embarrass you, but I think people need to realize that there are many, many ways that you can apply that and it’s kind of like you’re just trying to evolve in that strategy. I think that’s another thing, I think people underestimate is they read a book like this, or they see this concept and they want to go straight for, “I’m the expert. I’m the leader in this field and I think there is an evolutionary process to like where you start and maybe where you try to get to.”

Dorie Clark: Yes, that’s right. It definitely almost always takes longer than you want, or than you expect, but it really … One of the stories that I tell on Entrepreneurial You, which I think is the most impactful is about a woman named Stefanie O’Connell who’s working to establish herself as a millennial personal finance expert. Like a lot of us, it was slow-going, she didn’t see a lot of progress, but one of the mantras that she had was that she had to celebrate the small wins along the way and she looked for them.

Even if it’s something like you’re blogging for free and then suddenly someone offers you $25 to do it, or maybe you write a piece and someone you admire retweets it, or maybe you go from having to pitch yourself all the time to the first time that someone says, “Oh, will you write for us?” Those are all sings. A lot of people are just looking for having Made it with a capital M, and instead, we need to look for the small wins to say, “Okay, it’s going to take a while, but I am headed in the right direction.”

John Jantsch: I think sometimes we underestimate it. We see the people that have “made it” and we don’t remember, or we hadn’t witnessed the 15 years they put in to get there. I think that’s what society seems to sort of reward the made it stage and not so much the making it stage.

Dorie Clark: Yeah, that’s exactly right. In fact, that’s why I wrote Stand Out, was I really wanted to puncture that myth, because you only see the finished product. I wanted to really understand what it took to build toward it, what was that middle phase that so often gets elated in the popular discourse.

John Jantsch: Let’s talk about money, making money more specifically. Once you’ve built this expertise. You see a lot of people that some of the most successes, biggest successes financially that I’ve seen are people that built a community, built an expertise because they probably had a revenue stream somewhere else and then all of sudden they thought, “I’ve got 100,000 followers, I think I’ll monetize that.” That’s a beautiful way to build a business, but for a person that is trying to put food on the table, that might not work.

What do you typically run up against when people start saying, “Okay, I’m going to start freelancing here,” or, “Start coaching on the side here,” when it comes to actually asking somebody to pay for their expertise, where do people get tripped up?

Dorie Clark: Yeah, I think you’re putting your finger on something important, which is that those earliest days, those earliest customers can be incredibly nerve-wracking. One of the stories that I tell in Entrepreneurial You is about a guy named Andrew Warner who runs a business called Mixergy, which is a subscription service where he’s done more than 1,200 interviews of startup entrepreneurs and people can pay a subscription and they can access them sort of Netflix style on an unlimited basis.

Originally, he was doing these videos and sharing them completely for free. Eventually, he had amped up the production quality, he had producers and editors and he was paying out-of-pocket and he realized it just wasn’t sustainable and so he decided to start charging. He was really terrified that people would rebel, that they’d call him a sellout and they’d get angry that he was somehow taking away something that they had grown accustomed to getting for free.

I think that that can be the case with a lot of us that we are nervous sometimes about being willing to charge at all, or maybe like the next step down the road is being willing to charge what we’re worth, as opposed to a steeply discounted fee. In many cases, we do have to just plunge forward. Another person that I profile in Entrepreneurial You is a consultant who, I think, you probably know, Michael Bungay Stanier.

John Jantsch: Mm-hmm (affirmative), sure.

Dorie Clark: His line, which I quote in the book and I love is that, “When you ask for your fee, it should be fear plus 10%.”

John Jantsch: I do work with a lot of consultants and one of the things I see quite often is, again, especially if they’re new, getting started, it’s that fear, “I’m going to be rejected.” I think, in some cases, what’s worse is this fear that, “I actually deserve this much,” or that, “I’m worth this much.” I really try to … especially after people start working with folks, if you can get a handle on the results you’re producing and the value you’re delivering in very tangible ways, that can sure help your posture, I think, when it comes to asking for a fee.

Dorie Clark: Yeah, that’s exactly right. Early on, being able to quantify the ROI and helping people really see that and visualize that is so important. I also want to go back and hammer something we were talking about earlier, which is the social proof element, the credibility element. When we think about premium pricing, or not even premium pricing, just fair pricing, but certainly premium pricing, something that helps justify that.

Partly it’s justifying it to the client, but also sometimes it’s justifying it to ourselves, is having that social proof, having those affiliations that say, “Well, you know, okay, there’s a lot of consultants out there, but if this one is blogging for Forbes, or if this one has keynoted in event at such and such corporation, then they’re worth more.” Are they better? I put in air quotes, maybe, maybe not, but the social proof helps be a factor that convinces people that you are.

John Jantsch: Yeah. I often laugh with people that, when my first book came out and then hit the list and was a popular book, I actually tripled my speaking fee and nobody cared if I was any good anymore, they just assumed I was.

Dorie Clark: That is right. That’s right. Absolutely.

John Jantsch: This is really hard and this is [inaudible 00:23:45] hindsight, me saying this, but sometimes when I talk to a consultant and then they say, “Well, I’ll do this for this amount of money,” I feel like saying, “Who would believe you could actually do it for that cost? It’s so cheap that there’s no way I could get a good product, or a good result from that little of a fee.” I think sometimes people underestimate that that goes on in people’s heads as much as anything.

Dorie Clark: Yeah, that’s exactly right. I actually tell a story in Entrepreneurial You, I thought this was so stunning. There’s an author friend that I have who you might also know named Kevin Kruse. Kevin told me a story about a time he was actually on the other side of the equation. At one point in his career he was the executive director of a large professional association and they were having a conference and they wanted to have a particular speaker. They’d had a committee meeting and people had suggested this guy. He had great credentials. He was an Ivy League professor, he had a bestselling book, everybody had heard of him.

They thought, “Okay, well, we don’t know if we can afford him, but let’s try to get him.” They emailed him and they asked if he was available on that date and he said yes he was. They said, “Well, what’s your fee?” He said $3,000. Kevin’s group had budgeted $30,000 for the talk because they assumed that that was the appropriate range. When they heard that, they were actually alarmed because they thought, “Oh no, what’s wrong with this guy?” It really can happen that way.

John Jantsch: Yeah, I remember that story from the book. Tell people, Dorie, where they can get ahold of you. You talked about the assessment. We’ll have, of course, these links in the show notes, but anywhere you want to send people?

Dorie Clark: Yeah. John, thank you so much. The best place for people to get in touch to get more than 400 free articles that I’ve written, speaking of social proof alert for Forbes and The Harvard Business Review, they can get it all at dorieclark.com, plus of course, we mentioned earlier the Entrepreneurial You self-assessment at dorieclark.com/entrepreneur. Even more to the point, if you’re a fan of John Jantsch, he is one of the stars of Entrepreneurial You, so that is reason alone to check it out.

John Jantsch: Oh, very, very little star. Tiny star, but-

Dorie Clark: Oh, but shining so brightly.

John Jantsch: Well, I’m going to take the assessment, see if I’m cut out for this thing or not.

Dorie Clark: All right.

John Jantsch:  [crosstalk 00:26:19]

Dorie Clark: Keep me posted.

John Jantsch: I will. All right. Dorie, thanks so much and hopefully we’ll run into you soon [inaudible 00:26:24].

Dorie Clark: John, thank you.

John Jantsch: Hey, thanks for listening to this episode of the Duct Tape Marketing Podcast. I wonder if you could do me a favor. Could you leave an honest review on iTunes? Your ratings and your reviews really help and I promise, I read each and every one. Thanks.

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hey so this was a pretty shitty time for me obviously so I never shared any of this until now, but hope this helps some of you that are in a startup or want to start one.this is how my startup failed, how i lost all my savings (around $50,000) I invested into it, my car and pretty much everything of value I owned, my co-founder/friend, and my health — all in about 10 months and what I learned from it.some context:I was a non-techie founderthis happened about 2-3 years ago when I was 22my 50k in savings came from a combination of online marketing stuff I was doing but mainly from a contract I had to do all the marketing stuff for the launch of a different SaaS company (not really relevant to this story but figured it would be asked)the name of my startup or what it was about is also not really relevant here, since my f ups can be applied to whatever startup you are in or thinking about doingAlright here are my biggest mistakes and what I learned from them:1) Don’t limit yourself to starting only what you think could be a billion dollar companySo with the 50k I had, I wanted to build not just any type of tech company… but the next Facebook, Instagram, Airbnb, etc. — point is something “big” with millions of users. If you’re cringing right now, I know.. same.This was my first mistake.I mentally dove into that “silicon valley” dream/lifestyle and any great idea I had for a software that could actually help people but would only make say 5MM in annual revenue wasn’t good enough. I only wanted to work on something that I thought could be “epic” (i.e. millions of users, top 10 tech company)So many things wrong with this, but hope you get the point of how this isn’t the right mindset.Lesson I learned - you don’t need to chase the next “big thing” to have a successful tech company, and it could grow to that size without you initially thinking it would have.2) Choosing your co-founderSo I chose my college roommate to be a co-founder. Great guy, but he had no idea about marketing, no dev/design skills, wasn’t investing any money, and was just willing to help.As a lonely entrepreneur I thought it would be a great idea to work side by side with someone every day and could use the help. I gave him a %, but after like 6 months of work with out any pay and I’m the one investing all the money he just easily backed out and went on his way and I obviously can’t give up just like that.We obviously didn’t get along after that and I lost a friend/co-founder who had no business being a co-founder in the first place. In the end, it was a lose/lose, my fault for making him co-founder, and lost a friend.Lesson - if you are going to get a co-founder, actually choose one for the right reasons. Avoid friends/family if possible.3) Actually getting startedOnce I had my idea, I spent about 2 weeks deciding on a name/domain I should choose, then another 2 weeks getting a logo made and opening up an LLC. Did all of this before I was even clear exactly on what I wanted to build or if anyone even wanted it.Your startup will pivot in most cases before you make your MVP so the name and logo might not even be relevant. Time/money was used up, it shouldn’t have been the priority when I was first starting out and set me back a bit.So before you choose a business name, domain, make a logo, or legally open up a business (all the stuff most people get wrapped up with before starting) — get started by just locking in your initial team, getting clear on what you want to build, validating it, initial wireframes and your off to the races.A lot of work in that last sentence and everyone has their own way of getting started but the point is you could do all of that and more before even choosing a name. Don’t let the “formal” stuff hold you back.4) Get clear on what your actually making.For the longest time I wouldn’t be able to describe what I was making in 1-2 sentences.This is kind of my own made up rule, maybe it exists already idk, but rule of thumb: if you can’t describe your startup in 1-2 sentences to someone not in your market and have them understand what it is, you’re not clear on what you’re building and is a sign of bigger problems to come.5) Get clear on WHO you’re making this for and how they can be reached.This was one of my bigger f ups. Fast forward 8 months to when I had something ready to get my first users.. I knew it was for business owners (B2B) but didn’t realize that they are that much harder to reach (for me anyways) than consumers, and I also had the type of platform that I had to grow city by city (f’ing nightmare).After a couple days of going door to door to businesses I could start to see how this was going to be a problem.. I didn’t account for the time/costs it will take to reach my ideal customers. It was a big smack in the mouth.So figure out WHO you are making this for and how you’re going to reach them before you start. Just take that into account so you have the right expectations and you can plan/budget for it.6) Talk to your ideal customers / “Validation”One of the most valuable things I ever did was go to a local business owner (my ideal customer) and sit down to have jerk chicken with him in his restaurant.He told me what he would like my software to have, and what he wouldn’t like it to have. He told me the best features I could possibly put into my software.. essentially told me what I should build because he obviously would know what’s best since it’s for HIM not me.Bad News: This was 8-9 months in after I built something pretty advanced already, and basically used up all my savings. What I did with him is something I should have done as many times as I can with multiple business owners before any code was even written.Good News: That jerk chicken was on point and he gave it to me for free.7) Don’t be a feature whoreI held back launching my MVP (minimum viable product, prototype, etc.) because I just kept adding “1 more feature” all the time. Since to me, if it just had this 1 more great feature it would make all the difference in the world.It ran up my costs and time before launching it, and defeated the whole concept of an MVP in the first place.Just add all your ideas for features (most of which you should be getting from your ideal customers) to a bucket list and actually launch an actual “minimum viable product” that you probably won’t be totally proud of. Will save you time/money.8) Go lean. like Tarzan lean.For the love of (whatever you love a lot) PLEASE freken do this.Over 90% of my savings was paid to developers/designers for the build of it. And worse, I was paying by hour.Paying for dev/design work by hour for a new startup is an insane concept to me now. There are always gonna be bugs, something that doesn’t work, something that needs to be added, etc.If you are paying for a team or plan to, I would avoid paying by hour and just put them on a salary and set expectations for tasks that should be completed that week/month with them.And ideally, especially if you’re a non-tech founder like me, PARTNER. Partner with a dev or whoever you need to make it work for equity, that’s the only way I’ve ever successfully been able to be lean and build a SaaS or any software with minimum upfront investment.9) Don’t waste money on legal stuff.ok that sounds like terrible advice (and I’m not a lawyer so do your own thing) but what I mean is I spent about $3,000 on a terms of service and privacy policy before my MVP was even built… yah, I know…My startup had to deal with payment processing (at least initially before I pivoted) so I thought I needed it.Point is, in most cases you can probably get a way with free (or cheap) basic legal docs. online to get started.10) Fundingdon’t count on funding/investment to get initial users/survive.I went through hell and back to try to get funding. Creating pitch decks, getting meetings with investors, the whole works. At one point, the majority of my time was spent just looking for funding for my startup instead of actually working on it.I needed funding to get users/traction. Users/traction (among other things) was needed to get funding but you can see how this could be an issue.Lesson here is, unless you have the funds or team to get to traction then don’t start it. (there are exceptions to everything but this just a rule I follow now for the best chance of success)11) Advertising as your only revenue model is sketchy.So I thought I would just make my whole platform free for everyone and just eventually have ads on it when I would get “millions of users” and then, boom, we’re all rich..Investors were like LOL, have a nice day (especially if you have poor traction). And yah it’s just something I avoid now.. if you’re going to make something that helps people, charge for it.Note: I’m gonna get crap about this probably.. I’m not saying this can’t work, obviously it has worked for a lot of companies and continues to.And I don’t know how I would prove this but I would bet that a higher % of startups that rely on their business model to be revenue from advertising fail more than those that actually charge for some version of their software. if that makes sense at all…So point being, planning to sell ad space as your only revenue model for your startup is something I would try to avoid.12) Caution with “brain drugs”This is probably my most embarrassing mistake to share, and I think it fits here since your mind and health needs to be right to make your startup work..I fell into the trap of thinking “brain drugs” would help me get ahead.. From various nootropic stacks, to modafinil, to stuff like adderall or vyvance. I tried different types and ended up becoming reliant on it.Sure I was able to grind out 15 hour days no problem.. then it turned to 24 hours straight, then 40, then before I knew it I went a couple days without sleeping, had a panic attack and ended up in the hospital. Dialed it down a bit but still was going at it too hard.So pros.. yah I felt like a God and I would crank out epic amounts of work.Cons - besides the anxiety I would get and panic attack mentioned above, the work that I did wasn’t better, it was just a lot. And most of the time it was useless work, or work or tasks that weren’t a priority. It affected my judgement and priorities of what I should be working on.(Note, most nootropic stacks are probably OK, but the modafinil, and harder stuff like adderall is what I’m mainly referring too).On that note, at the time there wasn’t a damn thing I could read that would make me stop taking any of that so I don’t expect you to stop immediately if you’re taking it (even though I hope you would) but if you are thinking about starting to take anything like this, I would stay away from it and just be you. You’re more than enough to build something great.Alright that about wraps it up.In the end (after about 10 months) I had burned through my entire savings and cash from everything I had sold to try to make it work - my car, golf clubs, etc., I lost a friend/co-founder, and was pretty unhealthy mentally and physically.Eventually I buried this startup and moved on..I ended up taking a couple months off before starting another SaaS with a couple friends, and with less than $1k invested between us, 3 months in we were live with sales and it was acquired 6 months after that.This specific epic fail however and lessons I learned from it (although there have been many and I’m sure more to come) really helped me with some of the wins I’ve had and hope it does the same for you.Let me know if you have any questions and best of luck with your startups!