#and it fucked me up i am literally triggered by these topics now

[itsseohannbin]

hard bangchan thoughts || dark romance

disclaimer: every single time I come across this photo of bangchan, I am absolutely wrecked with the most vile, dirty, inhumane thoughts, so please enjoy this as it's been on my mind for LITERAL WEEKS now and I can't stop.

Warnings: hard thoughts. swearing. established relationship. smut. unprotected sex. voyeurism & exhibitionism. mentions the titles and contexts of several intense dark romance books that are not suitable for younger audiences. (i.e gun/knife play, somno, stalking, kidnapping, bondage. etc etc) (if you choose to research these books, please do so at your risk as they include some pretty heavy and intense topics.) roleplaying (??). I think that's it. let me know if I missed any!

Enjoy! [lower case intended. not proof read]

everytime i see this photo of chan i'm brought back to the same scenario in my head that i've been having for months? years?

like, you and chan decide to go on a little bookstore date where you purchase some starbucks and walk around a popular bookstore chain, both of you browsing and exploring and just enjoying the relaxing atmosphere. at some point, the two of you get separated, chan going off to look through the graphic novel section while you bee-line right to the romance section. or more so, the dark romance section.

you've always been a lover of dark romance novels. you've read your fair share of nasty, vile, intense books, like haunting adeline, the ritual & the sacrifice, and so much more. you use the trigger warnings at the beginning of each book as a checklist that covers all your favorite topics to read about, no matter how crazy or intense they are.

so, hours later, when chan has finally decided on the books he wants to purchase and take home, he comes looking for you. as per usual, he finds you curled up in a chair on the second floor of the building, in the corner near the dark romance section. he greets you with a kiss on the head, but you barely register his actions, too engrossed in the newest instalment from your favorite dark romance author. chan just chuckles, shaking his head as he sits down across from you, sipping on the remains of his drink while he watches you with dark eyes. and he watches you so intensely its amazing how you don't look up to meet his fiery gaze.

he never understood your obsession with the genre. it was too intense for him, too out of bounds for his liking. he's read over your shoulder one too many times to understand what kind of shit you're into, and although he loves you dearly, he could never bring himself to subject his brain to that type of rot. but there's something about the way you're reading so intently now, the nail of your thumb between your front teeth, eyes scrunched forward in concentration. something about the way your legs subtly shift together, as if you're trying to adjust yourself into a more comfortable position, but chan knows better. you only fidget like this when you're really nervous or really turned on, and based on the way you're hiding a cheeky, embarrassed smile behind the cuff of your sleeve, he can only assume its the latter. and that's where his obsession then starts.

he's not obsessed with reading the books, but obsessed with finding out which part in these books is giving you such a physical reaction. he's determined to find out just what is making you squirmy and horny every time you have a relaxing reading night together. so chan does his research. he takes note of all the books he's seen give you that reaction and he researches them. he downloads previews of the chapters, blushing with embarrassment when he reads some of the stuff these books have in them. like being fucked with the barrel of a gun, or being stalked in the safety of your own home. chan is so intrigued and so confused and disturbed at the same time. of course, he would NEVER do anything of this to you, that would be too far, but he wants to plan something to get that type of reaction out of you, to make you moan his name and not zade fucking matthews'.

so that's how you ended up here months later, spread out on the bed with chan slowly and roughly dragging his long, thick cock against your tight walls, the ridges and veins driving you insane with each passing minute. he's got his eyes locked on you, and yours on him, the eye contact making you preen and break under the pressure. little ah-ah-ahs sit at the tip of your mouth, but you can't let them out, not unless you want your mother to hear what's going on on your end of the phone line. she's yapping in your ear about the family barbeque she's been planning for weeks in advanced, and you're really trying to listen and be encouraging, but it's getting really hard to focus when chan is fucking you so slowly, so deliciously, his large, muscular body hovering over you and caging you in.

he rocks his hips upwards experimentally, causing a hiccup to leave your mouth. chan's eyebrow raises in amusement as the horror takes over your face at the noise you had just made, embarrassment flushing your cheeks when your mom pauses her tyrant and asks if you're alright. 'honey, is everything okay?' she asks, concern lacing her tone. your eyes stay glued to chans, his hands squeezing your hips as he bucks his hips forward once more, almost eliciting a scream from your throat. 'i'm fine mom,' you struggle with getting the words out 'i'm just struggling with.... something at the moment.' chan reaches his hand down and inserts his finger into you alongside his cock, alternating his thrusts to match the opposite of his fingers movements. 'do you need me to let you go?' she asks, completely oblivious to the way your sweet, usually innocent boyfriend is completely rearranging your guts in the most glorious way possible. a 'yes' begs to fall from your lips, but you stop it when you see chan shake his head slowly. confusion passes over your features, his finger and his cock bringing you to feel a new level of pleasure. 'no?' you reply back. chan takes a moment to pull his finger out and wrap his large hands around your pretty throat, growling in your opposite ear 'you hang up and i stop moving'. at that, your orgasm crashes over you and you have no choice but to cry out loudly as the waves hit you like a tsunami. never have you cum so hard before. but omg you just came all over chans cock, crying out loudly with your mother on the phone. horror passes over your features once more and you can feel yourself beginning to panic when chan lifts the phone up, showing you the toggled mute button on screen. he then pulls all the way out and unmutes the phone, putting a finger to his mouth to shut you up before he slams back in, the vibrations from your orgasm only adding to the oversensitivity of it all. 'hello mama,' chan then puts the phone to his ear, his hips picking up pace as he begins to slam into your pussy recklessly. you can feel yourself getting brought over the edge again when he smiles down at you. 'what do you want us to bring for the barbeque?'

~~~~~

Taglist: @moonlightndaydreams @channieandhisgoonsquad @newhope8 @noellllslut @queenmea604 @kaiyaba @rxosies @bethanysnow

[wild-at-mind]

Btw you might see me using the term ‘MRA-lite’ and wonder what it means. It’s a term I use for people who are kind of MRA adjacent, and may end up there at some point, due to the ideas they are escousing; however I don’t call them MRAs because that term has become associated with being hateful, and often violent or dangerous towards women. People who are more MRA-lite I do not think are hateful, let alone violent or dangerous. They are just encountering some (very old, tedious and missing a lot of background context) ideas and saying ‘why is no one talking about this???’ very earnestly.

[soupblr]

Displacement

Denial

Projection

Rationalization x x

Regression

[papenathys]

**Trigger warnings for mentions of honor killing, rape and systemic oppression of marginalized peoples**

So many things in fiction and popular culture are just not funny when you are not white and more specifically live in the global south.

That astrology post by @timetravellingkitty reminded me how little Westerners are acquainted with our social realities. Astrology isn't some quirky indie holistic branch of faith for us, it has gotten academics and secularists killed, it dictates the oppression of marginalized castes, it has been a powerful weapon in dehumanizing women in our society. I have had female friends with a gold medal in postgraduate studies told to initiate wedding rituals with non-human subjects (including animals and plants) to cleanse themselves of impure astrological foundations from their birth charts. I have seen weddings called off and women being made to starve because of wrong astrological compatibility. Sorry I am not amused by your twee soulless gentrified astrology dark academia and pinterest posting.

(Brief tangent: Another thing that interests me is the almost gleeful joy invested in the marriage and forced relationship/proximity trope in recent fiction. Here, the governing fantasy revolves around a storyline where a young woman is literally being sold to or abducted by a man or woman with significantly more power in hand: for they can obtain her as a commodity. But of recent, this is being rebranded as feminism, as a young girl's sexual awakening, as freedom from the benevolently bland childhood best friend and a reawakening as a young Persephone under adversity, whereby the captive has to fix and educate their captor, and in return of emotional labor is rewarded with power and prestige. That's something so insidious to me, because all fantasies aside, what is so cute exactly about it. Women and marginalized genders are at a risk of marital rape because of forced marriages across India. Kangaroo courts and honor killings dominate when it comes to interfaith and intercaste marriages, to unions based on autonomy. Anyway let's go back.)

Dgmw, fiction is fiction etc etc. "Writing is not condoning" that age old sentence now parroted like a hivemind by white fiction authors across genres. But, in what conceivable way are we expected to react in the same way as your white audience, to your supposedly harmless fantasies grounded in ideas of very real, very uncritically romanticized social structures.

I literally don't give a fuck if you are a Libra moon, or that you seek comfort from personal rituals and escapist fan fiction. You do you!! God knows I like reading books about questionable topics and defining myself in easily relatable categories and labels too!! I'm not speaking against faith, or religion, or spiritual lifestyles of any kind, I'm speaking of the commodification and institutionalization of these spiritualities.

But I do care when white people come online on public platforms and rebrand these practices as a radical reclamation of power, or some powerful, unsanitized, "problematic and flawed queer stories" when their very nature is rooted in pseudo-science, misogyny and capitalist exploitation– in the real traumas of underprivileged people repackaged as fanfiction tropes and as aesthetic personality traits for Westerners and anti-rationalists.

And finally, coming back to astrology, in the words of Adorno (The Stars Down to Earth and Other Essays on the Irrational in Culture, 1975):

Society is made up of those whom it comprises. If the latter would fully admit their dependence on man-made conditions, they would somehow have to blame themselves, would have to recognize not only their impotence but also that they are the cause of this impotence and would have to take responsibilities which today are extremely hard to take. This may be one of the reasons why they like so much to project their dependence upon something else, be it a conspiracy of Wall Street bankers or the constellation of the stars. What drives people into the arms of the various kinds of “prophets of deceit” is not only their sense of dependence and their wish to attribute this dependence to some “higher” and ultimately more justifiable sources, but it is also their wish to reinforce their own dependence, not to have to take matters into their own hands.

Closer home, in the words of the late Narendra Dabholkar:

Yeah man. Please fucking think.

[Note: this post was written by a trans person and is inclusive of the experiences of trans folk, in India and abroad. This post is not grounds for you to segue into "gender critical" trans exclusionary bullshit.]

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Crash and Burn 3

My warnings are not exhaustive but be aware this is a dark fic and may include potentially triggering topics. Please use your common sense when consuming content. I am not responsible for your decisions.

Character: Tony Stark

Summary: a powerful man comes crashing into your life. Literally.

As usual, I would appreciate any and all feedback. I’m happy to once more go on this adventure with all of you! Thank you in advance for your comments and for reblogging ❤️

Another thankless day of serving cold cuts and cheese to the general public as you ready to tear your hair out. You don’t see how anyone could make such a fuss about a trip to the deli but the locals have a way of exacerbating any simplicity. You’re just happy to be free. 

The bus is late. You stand at the curb and bounce on your heels. You just want to lay down. The lack of sleep is starting to split your skull. 

You yawn and watch a truck blow by. It’s a sleepy old town, nestled between farmland and stretches of dirty roads. The sort of backwoods you don’t drive through after dark. It’s so dull you could fall asleep on your feet. 

A sudden gust of air rips through the sky and the unusual whirlwind circles you. You look up through slitted eyes as dirty speckles across your face. You furrow your brow as lights and flames glow as a red figure lands in front of you.

The electric blue haze goes out and your faced with the suit of crimson and gold. You grip your purse strap and gulp. You haven’t checked your phone yet. You couldn’t have predicted this. 

“Shit.” You mutter. 

His helmet snaps back and he smirks. The silver streaks in his dark hair puff out and he smooths them down. He puts his hand on his hip and scoffs, “name’s Tony Stark, thanks.” 

You cringe and cross your arms. “We met.” 

“Yeah, I remember you. Nearly forgot before everything blew up. You know, this thing...” he pauses to take his phone out. “Hasn’t shut up all fucking day. I got lawyers down my throat--” 

“Your phone is blowing up? My house blew up.” You sneer. 

“Okay, relax. It was a trailer. I said I’d replace it--” 

“Then do it.” 

“Ooh, spicy. I didn’t guess you to be the type but after seeing your little online storytelling, I shoulda guessed.” 

“It’s the truth. That’s it.” You turn to watch for the bus. You’re aware of the few people slowing to stare at the man in his techno-suit. 

“I mean, a little gratitude here, honey. I’m more than happy to slap a new box in the lot but you don’t gotta be this way about it.” He derides. You look at him from the corner of your eyes and scowl. “At least a smile. Bet you’re gorgeous when you smile.” 

He winks and you flinch. Really? 

“Fine. Once we have a new trailer, I’ll delete the post. Sounds pretty fair to me.” 

“Now. Take it down now and then we can go shopping for a new train car,” he chirps. 

You frown and face him. “It’s just a post.” 

“I got a reputation, sweetheart. I’m important that way. I know you might not be able to fathom that but one busted up hellhole is nothing compared to what I do for this planet. Didn’t you see me on the TV, handing out lollipops to hurricane survivors? What are you doing besides whine on the internet?” He stares you down, his expression turning sinister as his grin fades. 

“If it’s not a big deal, then it shouldn’t take much, should it?” You challenge. 

“Wow, you sure are mouthy, aren’t you?” 

“I’m tired.” You peer down the street again. “I worked a full shift and my feet hurt. You wouldn’t know about that, would you? With your penthouse and your dad’s money.” 

“I earned my company.” He snarls. “You watch where you’re stepping, sweetheart. I’m being nice. I flew all the way back to this ditch, so let’s not play dirty.” 

Your heart races. You don’t know why you’ve said so much. Maybe because you’ve worn a customer service smile all day and you’re all out of fucks to give?

And what do you have left to lose? A family that treats you like a gnat flying around their heads and a musty old futon. Your life wasn’t great before but damn if he didn’t make it a whole lot worse. 

“You do whatever. You’re Tony Stark. Iron Man.” Your tone is deflated and monotone. “I can’t do anything about it, can I? Just whine on the internet?” 

You step further down the sidewalk and stare at the approaching headlights. The bus is finally there. Even if he really means to replace the dusty old shithole, you don’t need his self-aggrandized kindness. Not if this is how it’s delivered. 

You pull out your bus fare as you sway beneath the sign. A sharp noise tweaks your ear and you’re seized in a metal vice. Your arms are trapped against your sides as Tony zooms up into the sky, the air whipping around your face as you holler in horror. 

“What-- are—you—doing?” You shriek as you wriggle, kicking into the empty void around you. 

“Sweetheart,” his voice rises from behind his helmet. “You’re gonna wanna be still. If I drop you, you’re gonna hit the ground like a bug on a windshield.” 

“What the fuck?” You exclaim and squeeze your eyes shut. 

“Just givin’ you a lift home. Like a nice guy would do.” He chuckles. “Now don’t breathe too heavy up here. At this altitude... well...” 

You put your head down, shielding it against the shoulder plate of his suit, and you bend your arms to cling to him. You have no other choice but to hold on for dear life.

You get his point. Tony Stark is more than money. He can do whatever the hell he wants. 

[thetepes]

so gen question i hope doenst come across as offensive, but in your bio you say you dont like how the topic of lily is discussed and thats why you made ur blog. but it seems like you're agreeing with the other blogs in the lily-sphere uncritically. so which ones were you initially frustrated with, and what was the behavior you found so wrong in the first place?

I also think the lily hating has long since crossed over into lolcowing, to the extent that its very difficult to imagine real accountability is possible anymore. I agree with the stance you take in a lot of your posts, and then i see you reblogging and agreeing with the worst offenders in the lily sphere so like. have you changed your mind?

Look, I'm upset right now so excuse me if I'm terse, but I've REPEATEDLY and VERY LOUDLY admonished people for not giving a shit about her racism and homophobic bullshit.

I am extremely critical of who I reblog because there are plenty of people in this space who are just in it for the attention and bants, I've not been shy about that. I refuse to even follow people who post worthless shit.

I know you mean Sai, just say Sai. Sai has talked repeatedly about Lily's abuse of Courtney, Britt, in general, her trying to take away both her and Ant's channels, her racism, and her pedo inclinations. She might not cover it in totality on stream or in one big long video, but she doesn't shy from it. She's talked about it on stream.

She's also the only one of 3 people who checked on me behind the scenes after I was racially abused and purposefully triggered. She's also been one of Britt's loudest supporters.

I don't agree with her on a lot, I've openly not agreed with her on a lot. I've told her personally what I don't agree with her on. I've told her she can be out of pocket. She's one of those fun people you can go "Ayo, I disagree." and have a conversation with. There are some things she's just not going to budge on, donkey of a woman, and that's just fine with me.

And let's be fucking real, she's one of few in this space that takes the racism seriously. I've seen what people say. I know they only care until someone cries "You're not focusing on the important topics enough" then they call it "Lily being mean" because maybe six people in this space at most can handle confrontation and their ally ship only extends to the tip of their nose.

The media takes matter because that's where she shows her racism, xenophobia, homophobia, and pedophile inclinations the most. She couldn't even review hamtaro without making it weird with adding incest and sexualizing a literal baby hamster. Going over the media takes shouldn't be the main focus, but it serves a very good purpose.

My aim on here was to talk about her racism. It matters. Even if it's just me screaming about it in this godforsaken space, it matters. I'm tired of racism being given a free pass because it's progressive to hate asians and fetishize anyone darker than tea stain on teeth. I'm tired, as a CSA survivor, of the shit she's made like The MLP pedophile rape game getting a free pass.

I'm tired of people like you pretending none of this matters anymore because there was no big Lily left the internet blow up. That's not how things work most of the time, sorry. People like her and Birdie and Patricia and any of the other people I've mentioned on here don't take accountability and the police don't give a shit about online crimes most of the time. I'd know, I was blamed by them for being groomed as a kid and told I wanted it because I went in those spaces.

All we can do is keep pointing it out, supporting victims, and raising awareness of not just Lily, but other people like her that just will not face the justice their victims deserve while trying to mitigate harm. If you don't want to be a part of that, fine. Harm reduction is work and it's work you will not be acknowledged for. My advice is curate your experience like an adult. That's the healthiest and happiest way to live your life online and off.

So no, I've not changed my mind.

[zeherili-ankhein]

Now tell me the gay montriputro story please🙃🙃

KSKSJDJDHD NOW IT'S TIME FOR MY ANOTHER FAVOURITE TALE MUAHAHAHAHAHA

Ok so this story is actually so cute I wanted to retell it in my own ways someday... (nvm im too lazy to get going with anything) and this story's characters also had no names so I thought “hmm since I'm already planning to retell this why not give them brand new names....”

You might have (or might not have) seen me making some random gay doodlings and showing them to @igotadigbickandureadthatwrong [the uponkor ones lol...] and sometimes I sent one or two pictures from the og book to @randomx123 too ig..?

So this story has 4 main characters... (Well that's what I consider but you can consider 3...) And for the love of god non of them had a fucking name (and a fucking side character had a name 💀🤌) That's why the names I allotted to them are...

Dun dun dun...

Im revealing them in the narration lol...

Tagging people whom I want to share this crazy story with @randomx123 @jeahreading @krishna-priyatama @no-idea-where-i-am-lost @foreignink @igotadigbickandureadthatwrong @prettykittytanjiro @ishaaron-ishaaron-me @stxrrynxghts @desigurlie @crystraniqelle @priestessofuniverse @dwarpharini @shubhadeep385 @hydestudixs @dreamer-in-sleep @aru-loves-krishnaxarjuna @livingtheparadoxlife @groovycynicalcheesecake @wulfricnavy (im sorry im adding you late 😭 but consider this the return gift for Depth of Despair)

Trigger warnings: bitchass people, unfortunately those bitchass people don't die well in this story... sigh, infanticide, homoerotic friendship, divine intervention, snakes, snake dying, snake coming out of nose, turning into stone, talking birds and swearings

So in the starting of the story we are told about this rajkumar Upendro (yes I named him) and his verryyy verryyy verryyyy close “friend” the montriputro Shonkor 🗿 (I named him too yeahhh)

They are such good “friends” they can't even spend a day without eachother. They grew up together and do everything together eat sleep roaming around. They are literally the do dil ek jaan kinda “friends”. It's a hot topic how close these two are with eachother...

Their “friendship” is so deep Shonkor sometimes falls asleep in Upendro's room and nobody gives a flying fuck about it... Not Even the king. 💀🤌

(Me interviewing the maids of the palace*

Maids: ohh then they fell asleep together, such good friends I mean...

Me: 💀💀🗿✨ yup... Very good friends... 💀✨)

.....

So whatever back to actually plot

One day Upendro is like

Upendro: yk... I feel like going on some adventures...

Upendro: roaming around the kingdoms... Seeing new things..

Upendro: just you and me...

Shonkor: ...

Shonkor: ok

So yeah, they decided they'd go do Dora the explorer shit in the wild and went away. Just the two of them on their horses and didn't take any men or soldiers with them. 💀

And they roamed around here and there in different kingdoms and places, like those discovery channel dudes.

.....

One day after travelling for long enough they are in a forest and it's getting late. And they come across a BEAUTIFUL lake and it got really clear water like glass.

So our boyfriends besties decides “yeah let's spend the night near this lake on that banyan tree nearby”

And they tie their horses at the bottom and then get some water from the lake for hath mukh dhona and drinking and climbs the tree to sleep on it (I have no idea what they were planning to do on those branches or if it's even possible to sleep on branches 💀🤌)

.......

Now after sometimes a lot of light literally blinds them, like there's too much brightness like my mom's phone screen all over the forest and they are both like o.O trying to figure out where the light came from

And their eyes fall at the lake and they see a bigass snake coming out of it, and it has a BIG mani on it's head (hehehehehehd nag mani lessgoo) which is the source of all the blinding light.

So they see the snake crawling out of the pond and into the forest and under the tree. Snake bbg puts the nagmani down from it's head and below the tree (idk how that even happened considering it has no hands or anything 💀💀)

And then the snake eats up those two pookie horses (MY SHYALAAAAAA NO MY SHYALAAAA 😭😭) and goes away deeper into the forest 🗿🗿 blud didn't even try to climb the tree bruhh

So now Upendro and Shonkor are like 💀💀 because one wtf is that giantass snake and two their horses are gone 😭😭 (I just really love horses ok!!)

So Shonkor my ultimate gadha climbs down the tree to look at the mani and he just fucking covers that stone with the horse saddle for some weird reasons idfk 💀🤌 and then climbs back next to his boifren

......

So snake dude?dudette? idk comes back after sometime and when it couldn't find it's mani it just makes all those growling sounds like crying and all. Then it fucking dies. 💀 In dispression. 💀 Because it lost it's stone. 💀 (Ykw mood 🗿 I'd die too if I lost my favourite stone)

So now Shonkor and Upendro stays awake the entire night on the tree scared shitless 🌝 because yeah obviously you don't wanna end up in a anaconda's stomach even if you know it's ded. Like take no chances my boys.

So next morning early in the dawn they come down from the tree and Shonkor picks up the mani from those hiddings to wash it in the lake (why's he always doing the labour Upendro you hypocrite bitch)

And as soon as the mani touches the water it again starts to glowwwwwww ( read it in the you make me glow tune) and they notices a literal PALACE under the lake 💀💀

And they are like “GURL DAMN WHAT”

......

So these gayass bitches decides they wanna know what's in tha palace (like no thoughts of self preservation or safety or anything... 💀🤌 dumbasses)

And they go under the lake and yeah surprise surprise they can breath under water because of the mani 🗿

So whatever... they get under water in that palace and it's really gorgeous and big and a lot of stuff are there like trees and fruits they never heard of, flowers with sweet smells, and ofcourse lots of gemstone and stuff and as expected NO ONE fucking no one's in that palace 💀🤌

So they get inside the palace (bro that's trespassing where's your poribar's shikkha??) And starts to search all the rooms like some local chor because bruhh 💀

......

Then they suddenly hear some very feminine crying sounds coming from one of the rooms, and ofcourse they are like o.O and go to see what's wrong and comes across the room where the sound is coming from

Inside they see a gorgeous maiden sitting on the GOLDEN bed and sobbing like her world ended (which yeah it did)

And she hears to footsteps and looks up to see those two randomass dude standing there like🧍And she's like

Bbg cutie: who are you all? 😭

Bbg cutie: why are you here? 😭

Bbg cutie: go away or the snek will eat you 😭

Bbg cutie: it already ate my mom dad siblings and everyone in this palace 😭

Bbg cutie: only I'm alive now (because of unknown reasons) 😭

Bbg cutie: so go away before you become the 3 course 5 star meal for the snake... 😭😭

So Shonkor is like

Shonkor: girl dw that snek is ded, we killed it :D (where dude? It died from grief stop lying idiot)

Shonkor: see see the mani from its head :D

And he shows her the mani (also Upendro you bitch why tf are you just standing and doing nothing you kamchor lyadkhor harami)

[Ohhh btw I named my bbg Kumudini just because 🗿🗿🗿]

So now

Kumudini: umm ok... But who tf ARE you??

Shonkor: ummm I'm Shonkor... You? (Well in the og tale he just says he's montriputro but since I gave him a name he's saying his name ok)

Kumudini: I'm the princess of this place Kumudini 🥹🤌

Kumudini: will you two go away from here 🥺 (goshhh she's so pookie I love her soo much ahhhhh)

Shonkor: no no! We're here to stay ofcourse :D

Kumudini: omgg yayyy welcome you all will be as comfortable as possible here :D

[I love how Upendro is just standing there like 🧍 while these two chat like he's such a dumb and introverted gadha... I love him so much lmao]

......

So they start to stay in that patal palace (that's how that place is described ok it's said to be patal... cool ig?)

And ig in those days Upendro and Kumudini have their Kuch Kuch Hota Hai moments cuz Shonkor then one days tells her Upendro wants to marry her 💀🤌

(Lmao imagine the conversation that went between our cookie Shonkor and his adopted introvert Upendro...

Upendro: bhai 🌝

Shonkor:

Upendro: setting karwa de 🌝

Shonkor:

Upendro: plj 🌝

Shonkor:

Shonkor: ok 💀

Upendro: yaayy ilysm 🥹)

And unsurprisingly Kumudini agrees to marry him cuz ofcourse duhh they are in looveee~ 💀

So they get married in that place (idk how they got a purohit tho... Ig allrounder Shonkor became the purohit... Or they simply married without a purohit which is also not at all wrong)

......

Now after somedays Upendro starts to feel homesick because they have been away from there kingdom for SO LONG

So Upendro tells Shonkor that they should go back home but Shonkor is like

Shonkor: yaaa you're right. But idt you two should go like this....

Upendro: wot? woi?

Shonkor: cuz you both are newly married 🗿

He basically tells them both to stay at the patal palace and enjoy their honeymoon while he goes back to their kingdom to get the king daddy to come and fetch them, since Upendro's the prince and he just got married so that would be appropriate.

And so Upendro and Kumudini agrees, while Shonkor tells them bye bye and sets off for home. (Sighh... Things you do for your homoerotic friendship huh)

......

So now Kumudini and Upendro are spending their days well and good in that patal palace.

BUT one day Kumudini was getting really bored in the afternoon while Upendro was giving a mosher moto ghum (this bitch also likes bhat ghum my brother in maa Durga ufff 🫂🥹🗿✨)

And she looks at the nagmani kept close by and wonders how the upside world looks like cuz she had NEVER been there in her entire life (you need a guide for your first trip bbg don't do it alone pls)

So she decides “yeah nothing bad will happen I'll just go and come back before hubby wakes up...” and takes the mani to get out of that lake and wonder around the forest :p 💀✨

And she goes around admiring the things and all yk typical snow white behaviour, and it makes her really excited and happy because she's seeing all those for the first time in her life.

Then she comes back to the patal palace before Upendro could wake up and acts all normal and happy 🌝 telling him nothing (because more gele ke dekhche what's safety what's precautions???)

......

So this shit continues for some days, everyday she goes up and wonders like Dora the explorer during the afternoon and then comes back before Upendro can wake up from his moron ghum and she pretends everything is normal. 🗿🗿

BUT how can they live in peace right? Some crazy shit is bound to happen...

So one day as she was sitting by the lake and just playing with the water like the pookie cookie she is, that kingdom's bitchass rajkumar (the kingdom in whose area that forest falls) was out hunting with some of his equally bitchass friends and they come across the lake and banyan tree. (There's a buri mohila near the tree too, keep that in mind, it will be important to the plot later)

The rajkumar (I'm not naming him I'd just call him bitchass rajkumar) sees Kumudini only once and Kumudini get's scared and just jumps back in the lake and goes back to the palace.

And now dude is like shocked pikachu face because tf happened and he falls back down unconscious because of how GORGEOUS Kumudini is.... 💀🗿 (i mean I would too 🗿)

.....

This side Kumudini got REALLY scared so she stopped going out of the lake for some days and just spends her days in patal palace like normal, not wanting to get caught roaming by some randomass men (see everyone is scared of unknown men)

And on the other hand, over there bitchass rajkumar's sakha gang are like “yoo dude wtf happened??” and they worry for him but all dude could say is “where did she go?? where did she go??” 💀💀💀

So they are like “beta pagla hoye gache” and they take him back to the palace to his father the king. And in a few days bro becomes absolutely bedridden and mad only ever saying “where did she go?? where did she go” 💀🤌

.....

Now king dude is like “wtf gotta save my baby boy” and he does what any typical king does when no raj vaidya works... And makes the announcement that whoever can cure the rajkumar and decode who's “she” that person will get half the kingdom and the hand in marriage with his daughter the rajkumari 🗿💀✨

And now nobody fucking knows what to do because who IS “she”??? So nobody is able to save rajkumar and the king dude is getting frustrated...

THAT'S WHEN the buri mohila from before randomly appears claiming she knows how to cure the rajkumar and who “she” really is...

But ofc nobody believes her not even the king (cuz she got a rastar pagol type er chhele who's called Fokir and everyone thinks she's also pagol like her son) 💀💀💀

But she insists and says she will do it she'd just need a lake side view hut and a bunch of soldiers to help her. And if she succeeds her son must get that half kingdom and the princess' (king dude's daughter not Kumudini don't confuse) hand in marriage... (I first thought she was gonna ask to get married to the princess herself 💀🤌)

So king dude is like yeah what's there to lose? And agrees to her thinking the buri mohila can't do shit.

......

Then she gets the lake view hut and soldiers and starts to stay there starring at the lake all day.

Now this side after many days Kumudini finally gets the courage to go back outside and gets out of the lake to sit near it. 💀✨

NOW as soon as she's out in the wild sitting and playing around with the water, that old hag approaches her... And pretends to be friendly telling her not to be scared and anything and dumb dumb blorbo Kumudini agrees and tells her who she is saying she's the patal puri rajkonna and stuff showing her the nagmani.

The buri mohila pretends to be curious and asks to see the mani taking it in her hand and as soon as Kumudini gives it to her like a bokach*** she tells the hidden soldiers to come out and basically kidnap Kumudini 💀💀💀 (that's why you should trust NO ONE in an unknown place)

.....

They kidnap her and take her back to the palace while she's crying and begging them to let her go (too much traumatizing shit goes on in this story trust me)

And the buri is like “dw girl you'll be fine here the rajkumar just wants to see you”

So in the palace they call the half mad depressed bitchass rajkumar who's still murmuring “where did she go?? where did she go??” and as soon as he sees Kumudini he's like

Bitchass rajkumar: THAT'S HER THAT'S HER THAT'S THE MAIDEN I SAW BACK THEN

Kumudini: just lemme go plssss 😭😭🙏

Bitchass rajkumar not even listening to her: you're so gorgeous ahhh I wanna marry you 🥹

Kumudini, trying to save herself: ummm umm I- I can't marry for six months I'm doing a vrat 😭

Bitchass rajkumar: okk bbg I can wait for you for eternity what's six months to that 😩✨✋

(💀💀 that's legit a line from the book ok... 💀 And as much as I like the flirting romantic line he just said he's still a big long smelly piece of shit so I hate him)

......

And now back to patal palace, Upendro wakes up and is in deep depression cuz Kumudini is missing and even the mani that enables them all to get out and inside of lake is missing so he can't even go search for her.

He's literally in pieces, crying himself to madness in that lonely palace (ok yeah bro really loves his wife sigh... I just love him so much)

So now six months are going by and Kumudini is still kept hostage in that bitchass palace.

And this side Shonkor had returned to the lake side after months with those delegation party men and is waiting for Upendro and Kumudini to come out of the lake on the given date and time. But for obvious reasons non of them does that but who's gonna tell that to my baby boy sigh... 💀🤌

So he and the men he brought wait for them for some days camping in the lake side 🗿✨

......

But then one day he sees some randomass man of that kingdom going by and he asks

Shonkor: yoo dude why is there so much noice in this kingdom?? Is some festival going on?? (Cuz dude's been hearing shanai er awaj for the past days)

Dude: donchu know?? The rajkumar of this kingdom is getting married to the beautiful patal puri rajkonna...

Shonkor: .....

Shonkor: ohhh

(YEAH THOSE FUCKERS ARE FORCING MY GIRL TO GET MARRIED CUZ SIX MONTHS ARE ABOUT TO BE OVER)

And now Shonkor is like.... Damn something sus is going on and decides he'd go and investigate further cuz wtf?!?!

.....

So he goes to the city and just stays as a guest to a randomass brahmin's family to get more info

Shonkor: umm so... I heard the rajkumar is getting married to some patal puri rajkonna... Where did he find her??? 💀

Brahmin dude: ohhh yeah thats a really long story so atleast a year ago.... *tells the entire tale of bitchass rajkumar becoming depressed and muttering “where did she go??” and then buri mohila bringing Kumudini and etc etc*

Shonkor, internally fs: 💀💀💀💀 FUCK- GOTTA SAVE MAH GURL-

Shonkor: ohh umm achha... Ummm

Shonkor: so... Uhhh did the king get his daughter married to that buri mohila's son Fokir as promised...??

Brahmin dude: lmao nahhh that dude is a rastar pagol ahh person idt the king would keep his promise LOL

Shonkor: ahhh damn... How does he looks anyway??

Bhola bhala brahmin dude: hmmmm tbh he looks kinda like you... Just a little more mad and dirty and he roams around in torn clothes and all

Shonkor: ohhhh achha achha well thank you ʘ⁠‿⁠ʘ

......

So next day Shonkor is like dress up bitches ✨🗿💀 and find some chhera fata clothes and becomes Fokir 🗿 cuz ofc he's THE FRIEND IN NEED IS A FRIEND INDEED personified (he's my shona mona chader kona frrr ahhh)

And then he goes to that psycho bitchass buri's house during the evening cuz well buri must have cataract at that age and won't be able to tell properly if it's her son or some randomass dude 💀

So he goes infront of the buri's house and starts to 🕺🕺🕺✨ .... Yes... Dance 🗿🔥

Psycho buri: yoo Fokir you home??

Disguised Shonkor: ..hmm 💀

Psycho buri, rambling on: where tf do you stay you dumbass

Psycho buri: do you even have any idea I fixed your marriage with the rajkonna???

Psycho buri: you'll marry her right??

Disguised Shonkor: ..hmm 💀💀

And then she drags him inside not even knowing that it's not her son because well... As I said it's evening and she got cataract fs

Psycho buri: do you even know how I fixed your marriage??

Disguised Shonkor: 💀💀 ....no...

Pyscho buri: ok so listen...

And she PROUDLY tells him how she kidnapped an innocent maiden just like that and practically held her hostage so that people can force her in a marriage without her consent 🤡🤡 and then shows him that mani which she kept with her all this time

Shonkor internally: BITCH I WANNA BEAT YOU UP YOU HORRIBLE FUCKING WOMAN- 🥰🔪⚡🔥👹💀✨ (this is legit in the book ok)

Shonkor internally: gotta somehow.. anyhow get that mani out of your hands asap and save my bestie and return back to my boyfriend...

Psycho buri: ykww.... Fokir... You keep this mani with yourself... AND DON'T LOSE IT!

Disguised Shonkor: o.O ok... 💀

Psycho buri: now lessgo to the palace and meet that patal puri rajkonna

Disguised Shonkor: ...hmm

......

So she dresses him up in somewhat bhalo jama kapor and takes him to the palace, where the king dude does some khatir jotno 💀🤌 cuz yeah Fokir is gonna be his ghor jamai afterall... (like bro how tf did this bitch of a man even agreed to get his daughter married to a rastar pagol typa guy?? 😭 I hate him so much)

So whatever now Disguised Shonkor looks here and there and when the buri asks what's wrong. He does some ishara to that buri to say “where is Kumudini” and she goes “ohh yeah lets go see her” and takes him the chambers she's kept locked in.

They go by the gaurds who look at them like 🤨 but still lets them go cuz yeah one's a madman another's a buri mohila what can they do...

.....

Inside the chamber Kumudini bbg is still crying because ofcourse she would be

Psycho buri: ahh girll why do you keep crying?? You will literally marry the rajkumar he'd be such a nice husband...

Shonkor, internally: BITCH HOW'D YOU EVEN KNOW WHY MY PHUL JAISI LADKI IS CRYING YOU'RE THE REASON FOR THIS 🥰👹👺🔥🔪💀

So after sometimes buri mohila was like “lesgo home now” but disguised Shonkor refused to go anywhere and just shaked his head.

Buri was like “yeah if this bitch said no then I can not convince him, I'll just let him stay and hangout with Kumudini then...”

So she left and Fokir looking Shonkor stayed in the room with Kumudini who's still depressed and crying and what not.

.......

So late at night when everyone has already retired to sleep and all

Disguised Shonkor: yoo bestie can you recognise me???

Kumudini: wha- *looking closely* OHHH

then she just breaks down in more tears out of relief ig...

Kumudini: TAKE ME OUT OF HERE BY TONIGHT PLS PLS PLS BESTIE PLS 😭🙏

Shonkor, covering her mouth: shhh don't say that

Shonkor: dw da'lin I've found you now and I will get you out I promise 🥹🤌

Kumudini: okk bestie 🥹🥹

......

Now Disguised Shonkor keeps roaming around the place and doing his ✨🕺dance🕺✨ in front of the gaurd who suspect nothing cause he's a madman and he goes in and out of the palace quite a few time to gain their trust.

THEN when he's sure they will let him do anything he wants, he gets to Kumudini and tells her to dress as a man and then he takes her and they both escape from that hellhole 🗿🗿✨ (boi is so smart)

And they FINALLY get to the patal palace under the lake and see that Upendro is literally on the verge of his n'th mental breakdown.

Seeing his boyfriend and wife returning like that Upendro is like o.O And then Kumudini again starts to cry

Kumudini: I'M SORRY I WENT UP WITHOUT INFORMING AND ALL THIS HAPPENED WAHHHH 😭😭😭

Upendro: IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT THO WAHH 😭😭😭

Shonkor, awkward thirdwheeling most probably: ..... 🌝

Upendro: broooo you're my ultimate broooo come here 😭😭😭

And then they HUG 🗿✨ (and kiss ig)

.....

So now they all decide that “yeah let's get back home” (Upendro's kingdom) so they get out of that lake but to their surprise and horror all the people Shonkor brought to fetch them left lmao (like I wouldn't be waiting so long for them either) 💀💀

So they all get disappointed and starts to walk on their own like dumb bitches but obviously gets tired after quite some times so they decide they'd spend the night in that forest under a bigass tree.

......

Now under the tree as Upendro and Kumudini falls asleep and Shonkor is... Idk what he's doing he's just awake for some reasons ig... He hears two birds talking (bengoma bengomi reference yooo ahhh)

Husband birdy: yo wifey yk that montriputro Shonkor did so much to save the rajkonna and rajkumar but it's of no use...

Wife birdy: wot? why??

H. birdy: yeah see so when the king would send elephants and horses to fetch his son and daughter-in-law...

H. birdy: Upendro will fall down while climbing the elephant and die

W. birdy: 💀 what if someone doesn't let him climb the elephant??

H. birdy: ohh he'll be saved then

H. birdy: but then once at the kingdom, the shingho daar of the palace will fall on his head and he'll die

W. birdy: 💀💀 what if he doesn't goes from under the gate??

H. birdy: he will be saved but...

H. birdy: when he sits to eat at the feast, the fish bones from the machher matha would get stuck in his throat and he'd die

W. birdy: 💀💀💀 ...what if he doesn't eats the machher matha??

H. birdy: ohh he'll be saved then

H. birdy: but at night when he'll be sleeping next to Kumudini

H. birdy: a snake will come out of her nose and bite him and he'll die

W. birdy: 💀💀💀💀 what if someone kills the snake before it can bite Upendro??

H. birdy: then he will be saved...

H. birdy: BUT that person can't speak these words to anyone else or they'll become a stone statue

W. birdy: 💀💀💀💀💀 YO WTF

W. birdy: then is there no way to save that person???

H. birdy: yeah there is...

H. birdy: when Kumudini will give birth to her first born child

H. birdy: that first born child must be cut in half and it's blood must be poured on the statue for that person to again become a human

W. birdy: 💀💀💀💀💀💀

.......

So yeah Shonkor listens to those birdies for the entire night 💀💀💀💀 and goes “DAMN GOTTA SAVE MY MAN-” because obviously he's the greatest “friend” ever

Now in the morning Upendro and Kumudini wakes up and they all again start their lalala journey back to the kingdom. 💀

But comes across the king's send men on their way and they are all glad and then Upendro tries to climb the elephant

And Shonkor stops him 🗿

Shonkor: bestie lemme ride the elephant once pls 🥹

Upendro: ...

Upendro: ok :)

Upendro feels a little weird that Shonkor would ask something so out of the blue but lets him take the elephant ride anyway cuz anything for his boyfriend and Shonkor literally saved his and his wife's ass just recently. 🗿🗿✨🤌

.....

They get back to the kingdom, Upendro on the horse and Shonkor on the elephant (and Kumudini was in the palki ig I forgot lol)

But now when time came to cross the shingho daar

Shonkor: bestie pls break the door na 🥺

Upendro: 💀💀💀

Upendro: ok

Upendro starts to get a little annoyed but complies with everything Shonkor is asking cuz same reasons he can't deny his boyfriend, especially after he did so much.

So now they are all happy and everything coming back home and blah blah

But the same thing happens while they were eating, Shonkor notices that his boyfriend is served with that bigass rui machher matha and he's like

Shonkor: lemme eat that machher matha bestieee 🥺

Upendro: uhhhh

Shonkor: yaayyy thanks :3

Atp Upendro had started to get irritated cuz wtf is this son of a bitch (respectfully) doing.... Just because he saved their lives doesn't mean he owns them 💀💀💀🤌 but he still keeps quiet in the public to not cause any chaos.

......

Later time comes and Shonkor is like “ok bye darling I'm going home :D” (ufsos wo kabhi ho na saka...) but Upendro is still angry and he pretty much ignores his boyfriend... glad that he's finally going home 💀🥹🤌

BUT BUT BUT my sweet child of heavens Shonkor didn't went to his home... INSTEAD he literally went to Upendro's bedroom in secret and hid under the bed 💀💀💀

💀

Yeah....

So now later Upendro and Kumudini comes to the room and it's said they fall asleep after yk talking and stuff... But we all know that's not what happened right? 🗿💀 (Don't tell me I'm the only dirty minded bitch here I swear-)

......

Once Both Upendro and Kumudini are finally asleep, Shonkor crawls out from under the bed and stands at the corner with his sword like 🧍🤺

Then by midnight he notices some thread like stuff coming out of Kumudini's nose and he gets ready as that stuff slowly becomes a poisonous snek.

As soon as the snek tries to get close to Upendro and bite him, Shonkor is like 🗡️🐍🩸☠️ and kills it. But it's blood splashes all over Kumudini 💀🤌

So this dumbass bitch is like “yeah ykw it would be rude to let her sleep with blood on her face I should maybe clean it.."

BUT while he was trying to wipe of her face, Kumudini startled woke up and started to scream, which in term woke up Upendro 💀🤌

....

AS SOON AS Upendro is awake he's angry as fuck and starts to cuss at Shonkor 💀✨

Shonkor: pls don't misunderstand me lemme explain

Upendro: omg leave it Ik how you are

Upendro: you disgusting p.o.s

Shonkor: babe listen-

Upendro: I don't wanna listen

Shonkor: bestie I did it to save YOU

Upendro: SAVE ME? Save me from what? Stop lying

Shonkor: I- I can't say that I'll turn into stone

Upendro: idfc just tell me or I won't believe you EVER

Shonkor: you won't even believe even after I told I'll turn into stone.... 🥺😭😔

Shonkor: ....ok listen then.... 😔

.....

So now Shonkor starts to narrate whatever he heard from those birdies and both Upendro and Kumudini listens to him intently

By the time he told them about the elephant incident both his legs are stone, but Upendro insisted he continues... And by the time he's done telling till the machher matha incident he's all stone till his neck

Shonkor: you still wanna listen why I was in your room??

Upendro: yeah ofcourse duh I NEED to know the entire thing...

(I mean he got a point 💀 BUT DUDE YOUR BOYFRIEND IS TURNING INTO A STONE STATUE BRUH)

Shonkor: ok then 😔

Shonkor: BUT remember if you even want to turn me back... You will need to sacrifice your first born child and drench the statue in it's blood..

Shonkor: now listen....

And he tells them the entire thing and yeah... He's a stone statue now 🗿

Upendro and Kumudini now notices the cut up snake on the floor and they are like “damn buddy was telling the truth...” 💀💀

.....

So they both keep Shonkor's statue at a corner in their room from then on...

And soon Kumudini becomes preggo and in an year gives birth to a beautiful baby boy (whom I named Mukundo btw.... :D)

And then both of them are solemnly sitting in their room as Upendro takes little baby Mukundo in his arms and raises his sword AND- yeah... I ain't saying that.... 💀

The blood splashes all over Shonkor and in an instance he's back to normal.

......

The first thing Shonkor sees as he opens his eyes is Kumudini CRYING, SOBBING, SCREAMING IN DESPAIR and Upendro trying to comfort her through his own tears 💀💀

And Shonkor is now is despair and trauma because it's all because of him their baby is dead because of him.

He picks up Mukundo in a piece of cloth and RUNS to his own home, because he remembered his WIFE was a great devotee of maa Durga and perhaps she could help him... (YES YOU PEOPLE ALL THESE WHILE THIS MAN THIS DUDE THIS FUCKER WAS FUCKING MARRIED AND I WAS SHOOK)

But as he reached his home, he didn't knew what to do, so he ties the cloth which had Mukundo in it to the banyan tree in his backyard and goes inside trying to pretend everything is normal 💀🤌 (arre amar gadha reee)

.....

His wife (I named her Jogodomba hehe) is happy that he's back after so much time and it's all going good and well. But soon she starts to notice that something's wrong with her husband (fuck of Shonkor that' my wife, my woman, the love of my life 🗿🗿)

He'd sit quietly all day lost in thoughts and look really guilty and scared and sad and everything.

Jogodomba: hey... what's wrong...

Shonkor: ....nothing....

And she tries to ask him many times for the past days but when she sees nothings working she goes to the mondir to consult maa Durga (all problem one solution maa 🗿🗿✨✨)

Jogodomba: maa maa he's so weird these days he looks so sad and idk something is definitely wrong with that dude of mine... 💀🤌

Maa Durga: hmm I see... Go ask him tonight what's wrong and tell me tomorrow

Jogodomba: okk (⁠◕⁠ᴗ⁠◕⁠✿⁠)

.....

So FINALLY that night Shonkor at last tells bbg what's the matter as he have a emotional breakdown crying and all and Jogodomba goes to maa Durga the next day and tells everything to her 🗿

Maa Durga: ohh I see ok yeah bring the baby to me I'll revive him :D

And so Shonkor runs back to the tree and brings Mukundo and hands him over to Jogodomba who as soon as puts him near maa Durga's feet is back to being alive and well 🗿✨ (Joy Maa Durga 🙏✨🗿)

So now Shonkor runs back to the palace with Mukundo and hands him over to Kumudini and Upendro who are all SUPER GLAD to have their baby back alive and healthy

And Upendro hugs Shonkor crying saying how much of a great “friend” he is and how grateful he'd be to Shonkor for the rest of his life (I bet they kissed)

And happily even after Ig...? (Jogodomba is mine tho-)

.......

SOOO THAT'S IT. Amar kotha ti furalo note gach ti muralo....

And I'm so sorry these took sooo fucking long to post 😭🤌 I had been so stressed and busy this week trying to cope with school and shit that I got zero time to type and everything 😭😭

But here's it! The story that I wanted to retell... Hopefully... One day... 🥹🤌 But idk if that will ever happen LOL

So now coming to why I named my characters what I named them...

Shonkor and Upendro: well... They are inspired by Harihar 🗿✨ and their “we are the same we can't live without eachother we are eachother's heart” propaganda 🗿🤌 lol.... As I was once telling @igotadigbickandureadthatwrong

Kumudini: well... Kumudini means lotus so... Lotus = Kamala, hence Kumudini = Kamala/Lakshmi so Upendro's wife being her made sense to me... 💀🤌 Also because she's from patal in the story and that was also another iconic thing that matched with Lakshmi hahahaha

Jogodomba: well duhh obviously because she got that ✨special✨ connection with Maa Durga as we saw 🗿✨ and her husband is named fucking Shonkor so it only made sense right??? 🗿💅✨

(I am such a genius no?) so I got my own Shri-Hari-Har-Uma Quad now hahaha 💅✨

Also because Shonkor Jogodomba and Upendro were names that sounded bangali enough so I choose them specifically... Kumudini well.. since she's patalnivasini she is a little different then the rest ig...

Yaaa that's it LOL I hope y'all enjoyed it :D and lemme know how you liked it :))))

P.S. this silly doodle I made of Upendro and Shonkor one day hehe

[foursaints]

regarding your post about people feeling uncomfortable with reading certain topics i think its quite the opposite of them not realizing its not a material reality. it actually feels too close to home, a bit too real (considering we hear and read about cases every day) and you are aware that it happen to you everyday so it makes you feel uncomfortable to think about. on the other hand topics like murder, war crimes, etc. most people are alienated from them feeling safe that it wont happen to them (now thats a thing that happens only in stories) and reading about doesn't spark the same type of panic.

but also even if that wasn't the case.. what do you think its supposed to happen when somone is uncomfortable? just keep reading, shoving discomfort down their throat because of other people? Yes i understand that there are victims who have survived it and i will try my best to accommodate them and treat them in the way they want to and i will even swallow my discomfort down and read about the experience but that wont change anything. i will still be afraid of the possibility that will happen to me, i will still squirm when i hear about another case and then try to avoid in the places where i go to enjoy myself (like ao3)

also in terms of victims i imagine that as much as there are some who would like to read and write about their experience there are other who would want to distance themselves from the memory. Isn't it just preference at the end of day. why do people must be guilt tripped to to read something they dont want to.

😭 this is of the most braindead annoying messages i’ve ever received on here i’m actually almost impressed. fucking obviously i am not suggesting that CSA victims read triggering material on purpose that would be insane (💀). but my post wasn’t about victims! i was in fact complaining about emptyhead non-survivors who say things precisely like this!

1. describing murder and war crimes as literally “now that’s something that only happens in stories!” is such a glaring indictment of your worldview… these things are realities for everyone living outside of the imperial core. even within the west, if you’re a transwoman of color, if you’re a DV victim, an addict, an unhoused person, or poc and interacting with police– you are not alienated from extreme violence! it’s very real & present experience! for you to say that reading about systematized violence is “safer” because it’s “less real” especially when we are in the middle of a genocide is literally stomach churning 😭. you should go donate to winter relief for gaza and never speak up again

2. not everything is about you! perhaps this is harsh but i do believe that if you haven’t experienced csa/sa (or been close to the issue), then reading about it cannot be “triggering” to you in the same way it would be for, say, someone with actual csa ptsd. you might feel uncomfortable, but you are not in danger of having a trauma response. sensitivity is beautiful, but i think in moments like these you could stand to be a little bit braver, and a little bit more sturdy. nothing fictional can hurt you. feeling discomfort and fear at the contents of a story is not the same as real pain- it is healthy to practice experiencing these emotions through the safe medium of fiction.

so much of this ask is painfully egotistic… but in a naive, almost endearing sort of way? you dismiss others experiences with the wave of a hand: “yes victims but what about my SQUIRMING”, “but what about the mere possibility it might happen to ME”! i want to remind you that i am a csa survivor complaining about the difficulty of discussing these subjects with non-survivors, and you are a non-survivor inserting yourself into this space to ask “what about MY discomfort?”…. well! terrible, violent, undoingly horrific events happen every day! it is not helpful to act like victims of SA are somehow uniquely traumatized in some special, singularly awful way. no “type” of trauma is inherently worse than any another. people survive and recover from all kinds of experiences, and i find this beautiful & empowering, and frequently the subject of great art. it is worth confronting your own personal discomfort (💀) with that art in order to sit with and face the lived reality of those experiences. doing so will help you develop a more complex and empathetic worldview.

not everything is about you! 🙂‍↕️ the imagined possibility of your own pain should not be worth more to you than the lived reality of someone else’s. this ask was exhausting let’s all read averno by louise gluck to calm down

[melmedarda]

I’m sorry to jump in your inbox with that long af rant, but I’ve been lurking and loving every Meljay post of yours since day one and I need to scream in the void.

I’m inconsolable over how bad the writing of acts 2 and 3 was, it literally feels like it was written by a completely different team. What even was that conversation, it sounded like they asked ChatGPT to write a scene based on top 50 tweets about Mel and Jayce after 1x05 aired back in the days.

I’ve never in 15 years seen a ship so cruelly ruined, because how are people supposed to continue at all tolerating Jayce with that idiotically out of character dialogue in 2x08 between him and Mel? What a fucking bad way to treat fans, having them invested all the way until literally the last moment, it already was bad with how the majority of people (fandom, reactors, obviously the artists too) were “interpreting” Mel (if you can even call it that, cause interpretation requires media literacy), but now they have left us so burnt that I'm betting there aren’t even going to be fix-it fics because they. Just. Ruined. Jayce, so bad. And I still love the well written (still flawed tho!) Jayce from 3x01 (setting up a way more natural conflict-to-be-resolved path when he made those weapons five minutes after Mel vowed to protect his dream), but damn, I love Mel so much more, I really don’t know how to cope with all that. Only people who’ve had the luck to not have been treated as that husk of an AU Jayckass treated our girl can’t see the amount of PTSD that scene can trigger in a woman. I am so frustrated with how the creators treated her trauma and slashed the wounds wide open with both that and “You are the wolf”, I genuinely don’t know how to cope.

And the worst part is all of this could have been resolved with a single touch and him being open to her – like he always have been – just tell her he’s doomed instead of showing us a highly specific and unrelated two frames of the voidy-looking infection on his forearm spreading every time he is on screen. Even if that is one of their “yes we meant that all along we just wanted to show not tell it” like with the whole idiotic Sky/Viktor backstory that Overton “spilled” the other day. Jayce has been able to see through Mel’s shields the moment he saw her painting and was always shown to admire her intellectual prowess, he’d never leave her hanging like that.

If they wanted to write a Shakespearean tragedy so bad they made this intro scream “look at us, we gave you Greek last time, now it’s all about good ol’ Billy” why not have Jayce make the same impossible choice (as they brilliantly and am starting to think accidentally?) made Silco do in 1x09, having him choose between his love for Zaun and his love for Jinx, drawing one final parallel between the two men and closing that loop with Jayce/Silco carrying Viktor’s/Jinx’s body and infusing them with the deus ex machina. It was right there staring them at their faces, have Jayce choose between his love for Mel and his love for his brother.

What a spectacular failure of writing, what an even more monumental failure of the artists to come out with those comments, so now I don’t even want to praise their talent, because they should have kept their mouths fucking shut and stuck to drawing.

Sorry to dump this in your ask, can you tell I’m still reeling.

Please, please, do you have any headcanons, I need crumbs, I need to heal my soul and Mel’s.

Lovely anon you've but into words what all Meljay fans are feeling, I think. I cannot lie, I've been trying to let go of the ship. Withdraw sort of, especially since that was the ending we got. But I've had them for three years, and they've sunk their claws too deeply to me. I'm still thinking of them even now. I'm going to make the most of their divorce era, and I'm going to make them return to each other in ever single AU ever. Because Arcane S2 act #3 is not my Meljay. Also, AU Jayckass had me bursting out in laughter!

On the topic of headcanons. I have one in which when Vik tells Jayce to go back, Jayce does. He returns to Piltover but too much time has past, Mel has already burned his name and departed across the waters to Rokrund. Jayce knows he's done her wrong, realizes he's been blinded, and he does his best to atone in Piltover and Zaun, writing letters to Mel. Letters that go unanswered. And then eventually, he goes to Rokrund, and finds a different woman, one stronger and colder than he had known. He loves her anyways, and spends his years winning her back. And when he has groveled sufficiently, Mel takes him back. He sort of grounds her, so that she does not remain the wolf all the time. So that she does not become her mother.

[misscammiedawn]

it’s literally your own fault that you have trauma from personality play, idiot. why the fuck would you EVER engage in intense kink with people you didn’t trust/people who didn’t believe in hypnosis/etc. and not practice the most obvious safety precautions during lmao. moronic behavior honestly.

Wasn't 100% sure if I should reply or delete-- My rule is to delete anon-hate without a second thought and the moment the word 'idiot' was brought out it fell into that category. So firstly, no sympathy/support either for the message or the circumstances please. I'm not here for that and it undermines the point if people focus on that.

Buuut here's the thing. I know. This isn't an accusation or an insult or even mean. Everything you say is in the body of the Ethical Personality Play post. Like-- uuuh--- I dunno what to say? Congrats, you read the post?

Fact is these events happened 15+ years ago and the community lacked the support, education and structure that it has now. I'm trying to help build something which I needed back then. Will I save everyone? No. Can I help like one person? I hope so.

But like, I was a self-destructive moronic idiot 15+ years ago and I am sorta open about it?

Like here are direct quotes (key quotes bolded):

I have experience with this fallacy myself. In utilizing hypnosis to ignore my triggers I did severe damage to myself and I am now plagued with intrusive memories and nightmares of events that happened during scenes that I was able to effortlessly indulge in during the scene but as they say "The body keeps the score" and I was in fact doing further damage to myself. Something which my partner at the time was not equipped to deal with because I'd failed to disclose or even treat the situation as worth being safe about. Now I am just burdened with further damage by ignoring my brain's defenses on my existing pain.

Likewise I want to note the power imbalance that comes from play like this. A motivated hypnotee can fling themselves into this arena and do harm to the hypnotist. This does fly both ways. A hypnotee not advocating for themselves or exercising their agency will make a hypnotist accessory to the damage. This is a sin I have committed.

...look... I don't want to be an old lady yelling at the kids for doing things when I did them myself at that age. I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't pretend I didn't see the allure on both sides of the watch.

I just... there weren't 20+ year experienced hypnosis veterans who had been in my character play abusing position when I was growing up. No one warned me. I learned all this the hard way and I hurt people. People I loved. Moreover I hurt me. In ways that will never heal. I just want to spare anyone I can the pain of going through this.

So--- like

Yeah. You read the post and understood it. I'm glad you read the post and understood it.

The landscape was different back then but that's no excuse. We were a fucking dumb child who wanted to be anyone but ourselves and acted recklessly because of it. We were a dangerous and toxic hypnotee and we should have known better.

That's the lesson. That's the point. I'm not here to ask forgiveness from the people I hurt or sympathy for the fact we fucked up. We just want to help build framework that didn't exist when we were starting out.

History on the hypnokink community is a topic that probably does need to be taught-- but if you're young enough that you've never known a place without framework, education and support then I'm glad, honestly. It means a lot of good people, dedicated people, have done work building houses my silly little essays can only manage to move pebbles with. I'm glad for that. Really.

The post isn't there for you to think "Poor Cammie :(" it's there for you to think "What an idiot, I'm never going to be like her"

So-- yeah-- I don't post anon-hate as a rule-- so thank you for the fan mail. Knee-jerk reaction aside, it makes me happy that you got the point.

[hero-israel]

Can i just say I am so sick and tired of people claiming genocide. I mean with saying Israel is committing genocide on Palestinians right now. Every time I see it I want to scream. This is one of the numerous reasons why the pro palestine movement sucks. They can't just say something is bad, focus on real grievances. Instead they have to exaggerate and claim everything is the worst possible version. They can't just say "palestinian civilians are suffering," or even "excessive civilian deaths." No. they have to claim genocide.

it’s disgusting. they are appropriating terms and watering them down in the process. genocide is a very real horrific problem that is ACTUALLY happening to people right now... and they have to claim that term for their situation because why? to paint israel/israelis as the ultimate evil? to claim this issue is the worst ever and insist everyone else drop everything and only care about this? to add more emphasis on their lies and propaganda of israel being a colonial empire practicing apartheid? intentional flipping because they know Jews have been victim to genocide (we see this more explicitly when they compare Israel in this war to nazis)?

Maybe part of it is that if israel is responsible for genocide, then there’s no need to acknowledge how HAMAS and their actions play a significant role in palestinian suffering? (It can't be that hamas steals aid for civilians, no it must be 100% israel’s fault and only theirs! Also joe Biden I guess! /sarcasm)

No matter what, it’s a cynical ploy and absolutely disgusting.

In some ways it reminds me of how people online have taken terms like “trigger,” “gaslight,” and more, and completely twisted and watered down their meaning, turned it all into a joke ... except obviously much worse, here.

what really grinds me up is seeing how many people are buying into this. especially gen z. I am so done with my generation honestly. im ashamed to be associated with these people. part of me doesn't get it. im not jewish. and i try my best not to be antisemitic, educate myself. it does take work, but also it’s NOT THAT HARD to just NOT post completely unverified stuff, NOT absorb your news from social media, NOT give accusations of genocide without doing any research, bothering to learn about historical context, actually understanding what experts say and explanations why it is not genocide? And most of all actually LISTEN to jewish people when they talk about their own history and heritage?

Im not saying this to say im so great, in fact it's the opposite: what im doing is nothing special and amazing. it's really BASIC. yet SO MANY PEOPLE fail this??? what the fuck????

I understand people cannot educate themselves on literally very single topic. But then if they are ignorant, then they should just SHUT UP and not weigh on something they didn't take the work to understand. That is not hard!!!! NOT casually throwing around accusations of genocide should be the bare minimum and yet here we are.

All of the above. I am sorry you are dealing with this from so many among your cohort, and deeply appreciate your commitment as a non-Jew to resisting the new Christ-killer / stab-in-the-back mythology. It will continue to be difficult. For decades - for CENTURIES - all the wealthiest and most educated people in societies worldwide "knew" the Jews were guilty of these terrible things.

Derek Chauvin was convicted of the second- and third-degree murder of George Floyd. There were people at that time who were upset he hadn't been nailed for first-degree murder - he was obviously guilty! Look what a horrible thing he did! Get him for everything! But there actually really are different standards of evidence for different crimes and if prosecutors had tried to go for that one they would have lost.

I don't doubt for an instant that the IDF has committed multiple war crimes during this entirely preventable, entirely pointless cataclysm. But people are racing past the crimes that are clearly visible and could be supported by evidence because they want - need - HOPE for the very worst one to be true. It is a moral obscenity. And you can tell how much they are enjoying themselves, how fine it feels to be able to invoke genocide against Jews and Uno-reverse that nagging Holocaust card, by how quickly they revert to petty Internet slang to silence counter-arguments: "lol WELL ACTUALLLYYY, so you're JUST ASKING QUESTIONS rite, nice SEALIONING." It is meant to be an inherently, automatically truthful claim, one that the Jew has no right to deny.

The Disputations of our time.

And as we did in the past... we must answer, because not-answering will not help.

[corviddusk]

I am Neutral on "shipcourse"

I hate like rehashing this discourse because it centers around a lot of trauma for me as a human trafficking survivor and as someone who was on the internet way too young and got harassed by people in mass droves online but I just wanted to make a post about it.

I am not antiship.

I am not proship.

I consider myself media literate and critical (profic but not proship)

I'm going to list off issues I have with both communities and I'll also mention aspects I have found good about both, then explain why I label myself now as neutral and kinda cringe at my past as an antishipper. I may not be proship myself but I'm still in a sense... An ex-anti.

✧:･ﾟ( ̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅[̲̅:♡:̲̅]̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅ ) ･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ( ̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅[̲̅:♡:̲̅]̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅ ) ･ﾟ✧

Issues with Antishippers

Literal puritanism. Like full on "well you shouldn't have been wearing that if you didn't want to be assaulted" type puritanism.

Anti-kink stances that mirror radfem ideology

Anti-sex in general

The inability to just block people and curate their own spaces

Cross tagging so much crosstaging

Actual harassment especially of children

Inability to accept nuance or understand that there may be more than one reason for someone to be proship

Encouragement to emotionally self harm and not distance yourself from things that are openly triggering.

Going into people's asks or DMs whining about who they follow

Labeling anyone who doesn't engage with the discourse as proship or proship defenders and then in turn "pedophiles/pedo defenders"

Allowing minors in their spaces and sending porn or barley censored porn to talk about how "gross" it is (THIS IS STILL SENDING A CHILD PORN LEAVE THEM ALONE YOU'RE COMMITTING A CRIME)

Sharing around the content they're against to get people riled up instead of trying to be helpful to people wanting to not be triggered by seeing it.

✧:･ﾟ( ̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅[̲̅:♡:̲̅]̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅ ) ･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ( ̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅[̲̅:♡:̲̅]̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅ ) ･ﾟ✧

Issues With Proshippers

Anger and lashing out at people who are not as sexual as them. "PURITEENSSS RAHHH" When that is a literal child who probably doesn't want to have sex because they're a CHILD. Maybe children are going to have more likely innate disgust at sexual topics and shouldn't be involved in the discourse?

The inability to block people and curate their own spaces (oh look both sides have this issue)

Crosstaging all the fucking time... (Both sides again)

Actual harassment to the point it's a joke they claim to be anti-harassment (Literally some of the biggest accounts that are "proship" oriented are focused on harassing and bullying random people online and usually children :/)

Inability to accept nuance or understand that there may be more than one reason for someone to be antiship (it's both again)

Encouragement to emotionally self harm and not distance yourself from things that are openly triggering. (Yeah both do this)

Labeling anyone and everyone who doesn't have exactly 100% the same opinions "alt right" or calling it "Nazi rhetoric" or screaming about them being puritanical even over slight disagreements

Get offended at the idea of criticizing any media because how dare you have opinions on media I guess... "No more fun if your fun slightly annoys me and makes me upset even though I claim I only care about harm!"

Also allowing minors into their space and/or in mass speaking to children on porn accounts for having "the wrong opinion™" with their porn accounts

Supporting actual child grooming and predation in proship spaces and defending 20+ year olds speaking in private DMs to a 13- year old about the ethics of pornography and trying to get the little kid to like a certain kind of porn (This is about something I saw proshippers come out in droves to defend in the Obey me fandom)

Sharing around the posts of the people they don't like that are against them and riling everyone up and purposefully triggering others for the sake of discourse (similar to antis)

✧:･ﾟ( ̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅[̲̅:♡:̲̅]̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅ ) ･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ( ̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅[̲̅:♡:̲̅]̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅ ) ･ﾟ✧

So yeah both sides have a child abuse problem, a self harm problem, issues with etiquette, and issues with making any form of cohesive point. Now this isn't to say that all these issues are always in every single individual anti/proshipper. Everyone is different, some people will engage in one way or another but I want to be clear this is about what I've seen online from these groups by and large. It's a cluster fuck of abuse hurled at one another and it's disgusting. Children shouldn't ever be involved in shipcourse and I'm sorry if it offends kids but this is for their safety. We don't let kids in any other NSFW communities but people will pretend that doesn't apply to the EROTIC FANFICTION AND FANWORK DISCOURSE.

I literally cannot stress enough that this is about primarily erotic fanfiction. Yes there's stuff that goes beyond and tends into actual media analysis type conversations and ethics of fiction, which I love, but most of this is about random pornography.

Am I anti this nebulous concept or shipping that nobody can agree upon and actually doesn't matter because anti/pro ship has nothing to do with wether or not you ship things in general- or am pro this nebulous concept of shipping that has no actual cohesive agreed upon definition?

I have met wonderful people on all sides of this debate. I have met horrific people on all sides of this debate. But most of all everyone who has ever spoken on this debate has been prone to completely missing the point of what someone has to say. If you want to have big boy philosophical discussion about the ethics or morality or impact of fiction and fictional content then let's have that outside of these parameters. I love discussing media and I love having in-depth discussions about how people interpret it how it impacts the world reasons people are for or against certain stories or ways of depicting things but I am not loving discussing whether or not Henry over there in the corner is allowed to make his little dolls kiss because one's a human and the other is a monster who has an unreasonable life span.

I'm neutral ship because of these parameters in my own opinions

I don't really give a flying fuck about what someone ships. If I don't like it I block them and move on. I don't harass them it's easy.

I don't support shipping of anyone real people without their explicit consent because it is a form of sexual harassment. Something that I have endured in real life before. I believe it should be moderated and should be removed when non-consensual as it is sexual misconduct and harms the victims.

I think some types of content needs to be properly tagged especially those of triggering natures. I believe ideally those who do not properly tag and categorize these works should have theirs striken down on online platforms or automatically corrected to the right settings as part of moderation to allow people to more easily avoid triggers (IDEALISTICALLY I am aware this will likely not occur or get misused by bigoted people such as current issues with websites marking trans people as inherently sexual when we are not)

I am against all forms of harassment though I can understand why and how it can occur in many cases and have been guilty of this behavior in the past. I believe people should be able to grow and change and move past this.

I do not feel comfortable with a large amount of the content that is common from proshippers as it is triggering to me. I think if they keep it to themselves and don't force people to look at shit or mistag it it's more so okay.

I do not think children should EVER be involved in erotica discourse and it is so fucked that they have been. It messed me up as a kid and it's gonna mess others up

I think if you're going to make a certain kind of content you have to accept people thinking you're weird or gross, same with sharing said content. People will be grossed out and scared of me liking Gore and Guro. That's okay, they're allowed to be freaked out and if someone can't be friends with me because of that fact, then clearly we weren't compatible as friends anyways.

Censorship is necessary in some circumstances this especially applies to works of propaganda. I find the idea that your stance on fanfiction has any reflection of how you feel about broader media to be foolish. I don't care about your weird Hisoka X Reader fanfiction that's morally ambiguous I care about the effects of things like "The Birth Of A Nation" which was a propagandistic film that spurred the resurgence of the KKK. I think that things that will cause harm in the present should be sealed away in historical foundations or museum vaults for some time before being allowed again to the general public for historical purposes. (ONLY in cases where a work will cause direct harm like say Mien Kamph by Adolf Hitler)

I don't feel comfortable being associated with anti or pro ship people

I believe that writing specific stereotypes into your fanfiction about minorities is a reflection of your own bigotry and unless it's written for the purposes of discussion of such themes or as satire or parody of said bigotries there is in fact a reason said work can be deemed to be racist/homophobic/transphobic/sexist or whatever else it may be

You can have weird fucked up kinks. Your kink is not my kink and that's okay. What's not okay is to try and coerce people into said kinks or get them to engage with you when they clearly are against it. If someone doesn't want to do an erotic roleplay around the themes of aggressive sadism and masochism then don't force it- find a topic you can both feel comfortable on.

At the core of it I am: anti-harassment, media critical, believe in some level of censorship for the safety of the public from extremist ideological propagandistic bigotry, see that fiction affects reality and wish to discuss the influence of media on society, and pro the creation of dark and fucked up media that is telling a story of genuine value.

I may also be disgusted by certain types of porn but as long as it's legal and not victimizing anyone or anything- people should be able to make it and be on their own. But also you gotta accept stigma comes with it. And if you make content centering a paraphilia then don't be shocked when you're called a paraphile.

[thecircularsystem]

Take 2: Take on Sysmed

I wrote up an entire post (well, half of a post, but it was already over 1k words) on this topic, but that isn't going to be seeing the light of day. Off to the private blog it goes.

Take two. Sorry if my words are a bit disorganized; this is a really... really personal topic for me, and to see it brought up as it is has been hard. I need to get some sort of words out there or I think I'll go insane.

Genuine TL;DR: I used to go by the label pro-endo sysmed. It was stupid, but there were a lot of reasons -- the biggest because I needed to claim some sort of control over the fact that everyone hated me, and at least if I was a bigot, it gave them a reason to hate me. I discuss my experience with kink at pride discourse and how gentle teaching changed my perspectives, but "treating the bigot like the bigot they were" was just triggering and didn't help at all. Lastly, I talk about shame and how the term "sysmed" is largely (if it's ever really used for "activism" at all) attempting to teach through shame, which isn't effective. There's also a bonus screenshot at the end of the spark of this discussion from discord.

Not very long ago, though it feels like eons now, I identified "proudly" as a pro-endo sysmed. I recall saying some bullshit about how it was "reclaiming an insult that was used against me," but I was in denial. Hardcore, heavily traumatized denial.

I was just trying to claim the ostracization as something that was my choice, instead of everyone else's.

It was prideful, foolish, and hurtful, and I still stay up at night thinking about how fucking stupid I was. I've had to do a lot of therapy to look at my younger self and not hate him for who I am now, but moreso, who I was then.

Because with everything in my life, it was what I needed. It was all I had.

...

When I first returned to the pro-endo community, I was met completely with scorn, hatred, and distrust. It's hard to sort out the memories now -- more and more signs that it was heavily traumatic for me -- but I remember a little. "The Respectability Politics Syscourser" who sucked anti-endo dick and licked their boots, apparently. I'm sorry that the first person who validated my struggles -- who treated me like a disordered system in need of medical help -- was an anti-endo. I didn't agree with his beliefs. Not at all! I fucking hated him, honestly, I felt disgusted at having to "play along with the enemy."

I even joined a server, which I later called home and formed an (unhealthy) attachment to, just to "speedrun getting banned" from an anti-endo server. I did this more than once.

I was pro-endo, through and through. And yet...

I was frequently met with the term sysmed, online, despite my pro-endo beliefs. I was harassed for being friends with anti-endos, because "they're the bad guys." I was told that I needed to "look to myself for why I was being harassed" when I explained to a user, with screenshots, exactly who was harassing me and what had been said (slurs and suicide bait, 17 times in a row iirc, across a single day). I was told repeatedly that it was what would happen, since I allowed anti-endos to interact with me, because once an anti-endo, always an anti-endo.

Once a bigot, always a bigot.

...

Each time it happened, I was brought back to my middle and high school years. Literally -- flashbacks are a bitch.

I was raised a Republican. I finally, finally changed my voter registration this year, after being forced into selecting R as a child. I was raised racist, homophobic, transphobic -- any form of bigotry, and I probably was raised with it. I went into detail in my first draft, but genuinely... I don't even know how worth it it is to try to explain to you all how absolutely alienating it is to be everything you were raised to despise, fear, and pray for salvation for.

And the online community didn't fucking make that easier. (In all honesty, neither did the offline communities I was in, but again, the trauma dumping needs to be held back with a goddamn knife at this point).

When I first started saying my opinions online, I received harassment for my bigotry. "STFU Terf." "Christians DNI get the fuck off my post." Nothing as horrific as what I've experienced in my time as a syscourser, but I witnessed far, far worse from far more outspoken individuals. I didn't say much about my bigotry online, as I had already learned, by that point, that every single word out of my mouth was clearly the wrong words, and that I was just a stupid, horrible person for ever believing anything.

And online spaces reinforced these disordered beliefs.

I think the example that stands out the most (and forgive the 18+ content here, but this goes on the main blog for once, I just need this out-) was when I got into Kink at Pride discourse. I was horrified by the idea of kink at pride, as someone who experienced absolutely horrific abuse from kink shit. I couldn't imagine someone in a leather mask at pride because of my trauma. I couldn't... Ah, knife point again, trauma dumping.

Anyways. I went on an entire rant online about it. About how people have triggers, etc etc.

I was met with slurs, harassment, and people spamming my DMs so much with explicit BDSM that I still, to this day, struggle to DM over tumblr with anyone other than my now spouse.

So I went to my friends, complaining about it. Because this just reinforced my beliefs. This reinforced for me that KAP was a bad idea, because all the people who believed it insulted me, harassed me, and triggered me. Clearly, they're the bad guys, right?

I am still so, so grateful for the friend I had at the time who (incredibly gently, incredibly carefully, understanding before I even did just how traumatized I was) explained how kink belonged at pride, and the historical precedent for it, and everything. And I think the most important thing out of that conversation was where they said it's okay that I was wrong.

IT'S OKAY THAT I WAS WRONG.

Just thinking about that moment makes me cry again. It was okay to be wrong. It was safe to be -- yes -- the bigot in the situation. Because I was! I can recognize that now! But at the time, all I could realize by the end of the conversation was that I had been wrong, and it was absolutely fucking shit-myself-levels of terrifying.

Being wrong isn't safe. Being wrong means I deserved it.

I deserved the harassment. I deserved the hatred. I deserved the pain, and misery, and I deserved the triggers that fed on my SA, and I deserved to be punished.

Because I was a bigot.

But they showed me I didn't deserve pain and insults and hatred just because I didn't know. Just because I couldn't know, until someone taught me the way I needed to be taught.

They took the time to figure out how to tell me the information -- which strangers online had not done -- and they gave me what I needed. They didn't insult me. They didn't fucking crucify me for what I had said.

They weren't polite or sugarcoating, either. They were gentle, but blunt. Firm and kind.

And, because of that, overnight I became less homophobic and less transphobic. I made public posts about it. I was thrilled, at the time, when even a single ounce of praise came down the anonymous inbox.

"I'm glad you're not a stupid bigot anymore."

...

I look at syscourse in the tags.

"I'm not here to make bigots comfortable."

Cool. They'll keep being bigots then.

"I shouldn't have to be polite to people who don't believe in my existence!"

Cool. They'll keep being bigots then.

"If you support sysmeds, you're supporting sysmed rhetoric. If you let one Nazi at the bar, it's a Nazi bar."

Cool antisemitism. They'll keep being bigots then.

If all of your activism for plural rights begins and ends at the word sysmed, you aren't doing anything to combat sysmedical beliefs. You're just keeping the bigots angry.

...

Not long ago, I used the term sysmed for myself. I still look back with disgust at my prior self, and force myself to love him for what he survived, how he did it, even if it was "wrong." Even if we're still "the bad guy" because we love our past self, because we fought to survive and change. Because we had once been bigoted, but we didn't hold that against us.

I still look back at messages sent in a plural server I'm in about how "I honestly both wanna try to figure out what makes them tick and also wanna run in the opposite direction of them" and how they would like to preemptively kick me from their server since I was "so confusing." I doubt that individual remembers saying it, and I don't hold it against them. I would be uncomfortable around me too.

I just also have my own shoes to wear, and my own perspective to see, and looking back now, I know why I used that term. It wasn't... fucking reclaiming, or whatever I said to myself to live in mental health hell denial for a little bit longer.

It was so that, since nobody gave a single fucking shit about me, at least I knew the reason why.

Because I was a bigot. And I deserved every ounce of hate I got.

Right?

...

So, my thoughts on sysmed, and hopefully this'll be the last time I mention this.

The term, as it is used currently in the community, forces those with bigoted mentalities -- mentalities they may or may not even be aware of being bigoted -- to remain bigoted. It slots people into The Bad Guy role effortlessly, allowing people to dehumanize bigotry when the source of bigotry is how people treat others. Dehumanizing bigotry only encourages the spread of it.

I think there are times in discussions where it's used properly. I've seen sysmed used to genuinely discuss an individual's beliefs and how they were, specifically, medicalizing all of the varied forms of systemhood/plurality/multiplicity, and how that was wrong. It's so, so rarely, but I've seen it. I've even used the term in discussion before, though sparingly, as I rarely find use for it in discussion.

But 99.99 times out of 100, it is used to insult someone else.

...

I'm a teacher. I don't know about you, but I never learned -- and I absolutely do not fucking teach -- through shame.

And the term sysmed only shames people into doing what you want them to.

If you want people to learn -- to grow -- then you have to fucking work for it. Not rely on a catchy term.

...

(Below, I'm going to include a screenshot from a discussion I had about this in another server. For context, I had just said that I also feel a lot of discomfort for the terms TERF and transmed. I couldn't find a good way to squeeze in this part of the discussion, so have a bonus.)

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Crash and Burn 9

My warnings are not exhaustive but be aware this is a dark fic and may include potentially triggering topics. Please use your common sense when consuming content. I am not responsible for your decisions.

Character: Tony Stark

Summary: a powerful man comes crashing into your life. Literally.

As usual, I would appreciate any and all feedback. I’m happy to once more go on this adventure with all of you! Thank you in advance for your comments and for reblogging ❤️

The vertigo blurs to darkness. You wade in the sludge of your own unconscious, still addled by your waking discomfort. Deep down inside of you is a thrum that never quite relents. It keeps you from sinking into a full sleep but has you trapped in a shallow and fruitless slog. 

A single touch and you’re awake. You groan as your eyes snap open and you recoil into yourself. Tony laughs as he tickles along your outer thigh. Your leg hangs over the edge of the sofa as your other is straight down the cushions. You cling, teetering over the floor. 

You push yourself up, sitting in the corner as you put your knees to your chest and hug them. You can’t hide from him. Your nakedness tingles as he smirks at you. 

“There she is,” he taunts, “good morning, sweetheart. Ready for round...” he pauses to count on his fingers, “you know, I lost track.” 

You put your palm to your forehead and shudder. You did too. You can’t tell the start from the end. The night is just a haze. 

“Well, I don’t know about you but I’m ready to get the day started,” he unties the belt of his black silk robe and opens it. Your eyes flick up to avoid his hard length. Jesus Christ. “I know the silver at my temples might be deceiving but I run hot, sweetheart.” 

“Do you ever stop?” You groan and rub your eye. “I’m exhausted--” 

“I didn’t ask,” his tone deepens as he nears and grabs your wrist, ripping your hand away from your face. “When I snap my fingers you get into position. Any will do, really.” 

“Stop, stop, I--” 

He brings up his other arm and looks at the watch on his wrist. It’s more of a command center as it seems to do more than tell the time. He tilts his arms just so and a ripple rolls through you. You squeal and jump off the sofa, colliding with him. 

“Now, we can go groundhog day with this, I don’t care, but I’m thinking you’ve had enough of that. Still...” he twirls his fingers and the intensity throbs, “I like to watch you squirm.” 

You grab onto the open robe along his shoulders and grit your teeth, “please, please, whatever, I—I'll do whatever--” You put your chin down and whine. “Fuck, I can’t--” 

Your legs tremble as you barely keep from folding. You bite down on the tension and yank on him. You swing your weight back and pull him down with you onto the sofa. You open your legs around him in surrender. 

“Just get it over with,” you sneer. 

“Wrong fucking answer,” he clucks and shakes his head. 

He shifts and moves over you. He lines up with your cunt, rubbing up and down, but not entering. You drone and tug on his hair. 

“Just fuck me!” 

“Come on, have a little romance. Foreplay’s important,” he snickers. 

“Uggh, why... why...” you roll your eyes back and rattle with another swell of tension. “God, I hate this. I hate you.” 

“Oh baby, you say that but the way your cunt begs for it,” he lets his tip flick up and rams his fingers into you. “You’re a bad liar.” 

You moan as he curls his fingers and wiggles his hand. You squeeze him with your thighs and snake your hand down to claw at his ass. You try to pull him closer as you whimper. 

“Please.” 

“Say it nicer for me, sweetheart.” 

“Tony, please, please,” your voice cracks, “please just fuck me. Shit. Jesussssss.”  

You turn your head to the side and heave as the swell pulses in your core. Your eyes stream and your lip trembles. You can’t help but sob. You can’t take much more. 

“I know, once you go Stark... I never found a good rhyme for it, actually,” he teases and drags his fingers out of you. “Mmm, sweetheart, you like to play so tough but inside, you’re just aching for it.” 

He grabs his dick and guides the tip along your folds. You shiver as he impales you, contorting to take as much as you can. You don’t care that he’s laughing, you don’t care that he’s won, you just need it to stop. 

He doesn’t thrust. He just lingers. You snarl and smack his head in frustration. He laughs again. Your eyes blaze up at him. 

“You know I love when you look at me like that.” 

“You’re the worst.” 

“I’m fucking am,” he ruts once then slides out so he’s barely inside you. “But you still fucking want me.” 

You push your chest out and he cups it, running his thumb over your nipple, then flicks it. You groan and latch onto his wrist. You move your hips and he tuts, sliding out completely. You pull his hand up to your mouth and bite his knuckle to keep a scream from erupting. 

He leans into you slowly, this time delving in inch-by-inch. You writhe and pinch him with your teeth. When he bottoms out, you spasm. You hook your legs around him to lock him in place.  

“Don’t worry, sweetheart, we got all day,” he growls as he pumps his hips, “all,” in, “fucking” out, “day.” 

[akirathedramaqueen]

Two completely random things I might regret dropping here later. But I think I need to get it out of my system and maybe it'll help me stop being a whiny insufferable grouch I've become the last days partially because of today's episode coming out.

TW for self-hatred (mine) and suicidal thoughts (not mine, don't call psych ward on me, please; and it's not in the post itself, only in the song it mentions later on).

One.

Waiting for Ghostfuckers fucked me up completely. Like not in a fun way. In a 'I've considered dropping this show despite how much I love it' way. Because it touches on a topic so deep and personal to me I am not sure I want to be inadvertendly called out like that. So I stopped checking tumblr, I avoided any HB mentions, I couldn't write two lines in the fic without being triggered (so if I ignored your tags or messages or replies—sorry!). Don't know since when I've become so sensitive. I actually took pride in being quite callous to everything. But apparently here I am.

It's not like the show is the sole reason my mental health went down the drain in the past weeks. Of course not. It's just that was the last fucking drop which sent me spiraling.

If anything, I dare to say it actually helped me understand myself better in many ways and learn to try to accept some fuck-ups I've done with my life, that it might be just fine to be fucked up a little.

Reason for all this rambling? None. Guess I just relate to Blitzø hard in this way and I am afraid to see even uglier side of myself. And maybe if you feel the same way about the silly demon show, I don't blame you, I am with you. But fuck it, I embrace it. Fucking hit me with that episode and leave me in shambles. I'm not ready, but hey, I am the AT and the FUCKING PENGUIN SHORT survivor, it can't be worse than that, right?

RIGHT?

(Watch me fucking crawl in the corner and wail in like? 8 hours from now on?)

Two.

I have that song on repeat, and its chorus is what I think characterizes all Blitzø's actions. Not the song itself though. This is the case where I take the chorus out of context deliberately, because the rest of it, well . . . this is TW-worthy. Suicidal thoughts TW-worthy. Consider it your warning.

So I'm just focusing on this part.

My personal hell, I'll bury it, bury it Weight of the world, I'll carry it, carry it Pile it all on, I've gotta be strong For somebody, for somebody Put my pain in a pill, I'll swallow it, swallow it Too numb to feel, I'm hollow, I'm hollow I have to hold on, I've gotta be strong For somebody, for somebody Somebody else

It's so Blitzø, isn't it?

Burying his trauma so that he can get through another day. Not realizing it keeps chipping away from his life however he tries ignoring it.

Swallowing his immense guilt and act brash. Put his pride on display, not realizing it's not the opposite of shame, but its source (I thank ATLA for this great quote).

Taking responsibility for literally everything happening around him. No matter if he could help it or not.

He's gotta be strong, he has to hold on and pile it all on. For somebody. Somebody else, who matters more than he does.

[neurotheascars]

First of all, no idea why this post had reblogs turned off but Ill respond here. Original post this for those who need context is here.

@fawna-lariat

First lemme get something out of the way:

You don't HAVE to do anything. You saying that just gives me the impression that you're a negativity chasing alter because that's exactly what I say when I'm thirsty for a fight.

Just because you know already that I probably won't agree with you doesn't mean I'm not listening. Word of advice- Get it out on your own blog. I'm only going to respond to you because you are being civil. But your attitude is grating to me because it feels like you didn't read a lick of the post you're commenting on.

I'm not a fragmented piece of a whole. I am a complete entity. It is extremely upsetting and triggering to keep hearing people insist that being an alter means you broke off of something. That's certainly a way for alters to form but it's not the only way and I'm tired of having "parts language" forced on to me. I know what I fucking am. I am a separate person. If you don't think I am you are denying my lived experience and ignoring the way a trauma victim literally exists. Parts language actually kept my system from healing so please fucking stop carrying that outdated claim about "shattered self" around like it's fact. It's not a reality for every system and I know more than one therapist that believes it is harmful to just assume a system is just one person broken into parts.

I'm pretty sure I've seen the sources you're talking about but there are other sources that contradict what you're saying too. My therapist honestly thinks being anti endo is a really misinformed stance in general if you need to hear that. You could really have your pick of information that proves your position is extremely narrow minded but I think you're comfortable and not going to do anymore research until you stumble upon it. You also don't seem to understand the real life context of what these studies actually prove or don't prove either.

You can send me that source, but I don't have the mental capability to comb through and properly refute claims in the manner that people like sophie and SAS do. I'm on mobile and I can't use tabs.

I've also already read a lot. I made a post a while back saying I was done with syscourse. I've also done a lot of research on entity creation techniques and parapsychology. I have 13ish years of experience on the topic and I know that mainstream psychology is only just now catching up to the reality of it all. I don't have the energy to entertain people who get dogmatic about mental health because I've deep dived in a way I can bet you haven't.

You aren't going to change my mind simply because you demonstrably don't know what I know.

Bottom line, you're talking to an alien who knows too much about this. And as a system who deals with all the dissociation and BS that comes with a did diagnosis, who was helped by created entities when we finally learned about the trauma, I frankly don't care if endos are in my community because it really really doesn't fucking matter.

Ive met cringey endos I don't like, but they don't "flood in to ruin my community" because I can block them without making them feel unwelcome and I want them to feel welcome because I don't know who they are or what they've been through. I don't know who might see me treating them poorly, and every system I'm ever met has been afraid of not feeling "valid" enough and gee I wonder why that could be when anti endos are drawing hard lines about how a system can form and behave.

And the thing is endos do know what being plural is like. Your belief that they don't isn't even a claim that can be backed with science. You're just making a sweeping generalization about what you think strangers understand. That's why I really dislike anti endos. The constant assumptions make my blood boil. I can't deal with that on the regular.

But regardless of anything you're saying about the distinction between tulpas and alters, endos are actually safer in the event of trauma occurring because their system hasn't had to deal with trauma to become organized. They have the option to be an organized system before trauma hits and are better for it because of their multiple consciousnesses.

That is just one unique way for a system to present and it's completely valid. If you think tulpas are real, but not alters then you should know that it's pretty easy for them to become alters. This is what happened to my IRL partner system. I'm not going to share their trauma story, but they are a group of tulpas that came from a paracosm that experienced trauma and now have to deal with all that extra stuff.

See you don't even realize it, but you're claiming my partner both doesn't understand what being plural is really like and that his alters aren't actually alters because he made them. Which, based on my lived experience with them, just isn't true. I don't need a peer reviewed paper to believe the lived experience of people right in front of me and that's why I don't agree with you. These studies never really concretely prove total absolutes and they don't claim to.

In fact its so easy for created alters to get all that extra trauma related dissociation with how stressful this shit world is that this distinction you're making really doesn't fucking matter in the end and only alienates people who are indeed trauma victims who might need support either now or in the future.

If you guys care so much about trauma victims why are you so hellbent on getting upset at and insulted by people who you literally don't know could be trauma victims. And if they aren't, a split consciousness configuration literally is the brain's way of dealing with trauma so tell me why it's so bad to be metaphorically holding the fire extinguisher in hand when the fire happens instead of having to run and break glass to get to it when you actually need it.

I truly don't think you know what you're talking about and saying that tulpas are real but they don't "count" as alters sounds like some highschool shit. I don't think you grasp that endos can have trauma separate from the origin of their alters and it's actually not your business if they do or not. It's only that their trauma isn't the cause of their alters. They may still have trauma that their alters help out with. I would agree that having a fragmented sense of self definitely makes it easier to create alters, but it doesn't mean you can't without the trauma.

I remember reading in a lot of grimoires and books on spirituality that anything that involves things like lucid dreaming, hedge crossing, and entity conjuration is easier for those who have been through an "ordeal". "Magic" and tulpamancy is easier if you've been through some life ruining shit. Thats all this claim that "created entities don't stick around in an unfragmented mind" means to me

Like yeah duh it's gonna take more effort to keep them there if you don't have your "head cracked open" as some spirit workers used to say.

The fact that I have witnessed with my own eyes what you say is impossible means to me that your science is incomplete.

Again, nobody is insulting you by simply existing and a lot of them do know what it's like to be plural.