#and it fucked me up i am literally triggered by these topics now

[wild-at-mind]

Btw you might see me using the term ‘MRA-lite’ and wonder what it means. It’s a term I use for people who are kind of MRA adjacent, and may end up there at some point, due to the ideas they are escousing; however I don’t call them MRAs because that term has become associated with being hateful, and often violent or dangerous towards women. People who are more MRA-lite I do not think are hateful, let alone violent or dangerous. They are just encountering some (very old, tedious and missing a lot of background context) ideas and saying ‘why is no one talking about this???’ very earnestly.

[tripably]

The way my own brain tries to sabotage my attempt at obtaining a healthier relationship with food is astonishingly irritating, mostly due to being so unbelievably illogical.

When my body started screaming about being ravenously hungry approximately two hours ago, my brain sent out an immediate, automated, unrepliable response along the lines of "No food necessary. You can't possibly be hungry, you've not even done anything today".

As if I haven't been up for, what, 11 hours, majority of which trying to internalize everything I possibly can regarding my new job, on just two cups of coffee and a small bowl of pasta. As if thinking and learning new things wouldn't require energy.

Or no, in fact, as if the task of having sustained the bodily functions of an actual real life person for the past 30 years including today couldn't possibly require more energy than whatever is in 100 grams of white pasta with trace amounts of feta cheese and olive oil, a couple of cherry tomatoes, and maybe a desilitre of oat milk.

As if I would somehow (how????) need to earn the right to, what, keep sustaining said bodily functions? In the eyes of whom, my own brain? Surely not that brain, the one that is in fact included in those bodily functions that apparently aren't significant enough to deserve to go on uninterrupted??

Like does this brilliant brain of mine seriously believe that starving myself is somehow an option that leads to a good outcome? Have we not seen enough logical proof against that? Have we not read enough articles about the ineffectiveness and dangers of diet culture?

And if reading about it really is not enough: have we not been doing that for the past 15 years with whatever is the the opposite of success? How fucking long do we have to keep repeating the same fucking behaviour before accepting the fact that it is not fucking working??????

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Crash and Burn 3

My warnings are not exhaustive but be aware this is a dark fic and may include potentially triggering topics. Please use your common sense when consuming content. I am not responsible for your decisions.

Character: Tony Stark

Summary: a powerful man comes crashing into your life. Literally.

As usual, I would appreciate any and all feedback. I’m happy to once more go on this adventure with all of you! Thank you in advance for your comments and for reblogging ❤️

Another thankless day of serving cold cuts and cheese to the general public as you ready to tear your hair out. You don’t see how anyone could make such a fuss about a trip to the deli but the locals have a way of exacerbating any simplicity. You’re just happy to be free. 

The bus is late. You stand at the curb and bounce on your heels. You just want to lay down. The lack of sleep is starting to split your skull. 

You yawn and watch a truck blow by. It’s a sleepy old town, nestled between farmland and stretches of dirty roads. The sort of backwoods you don’t drive through after dark. It’s so dull you could fall asleep on your feet. 

A sudden gust of air rips through the sky and the unusual whirlwind circles you. You look up through slitted eyes as dirty speckles across your face. You furrow your brow as lights and flames glow as a red figure lands in front of you.

The electric blue haze goes out and your faced with the suit of crimson and gold. You grip your purse strap and gulp. You haven’t checked your phone yet. You couldn’t have predicted this. 

“Shit.” You mutter. 

His helmet snaps back and he smirks. The silver streaks in his dark hair puff out and he smooths them down. He puts his hand on his hip and scoffs, “name’s Tony Stark, thanks.” 

You cringe and cross your arms. “We met.” 

“Yeah, I remember you. Nearly forgot before everything blew up. You know, this thing...” he pauses to take his phone out. “Hasn’t shut up all fucking day. I got lawyers down my throat--” 

“Your phone is blowing up? My house blew up.” You sneer. 

“Okay, relax. It was a trailer. I said I’d replace it--” 

“Then do it.” 

“Ooh, spicy. I didn’t guess you to be the type but after seeing your little online storytelling, I shoulda guessed.” 

“It’s the truth. That’s it.” You turn to watch for the bus. You’re aware of the few people slowing to stare at the man in his techno-suit. 

“I mean, a little gratitude here, honey. I’m more than happy to slap a new box in the lot but you don’t gotta be this way about it.” He derides. You look at him from the corner of your eyes and scowl. “At least a smile. Bet you’re gorgeous when you smile.” 

He winks and you flinch. Really? 

“Fine. Once we have a new trailer, I’ll delete the post. Sounds pretty fair to me.” 

“Now. Take it down now and then we can go shopping for a new train car,” he chirps. 

You frown and face him. “It’s just a post.” 

“I got a reputation, sweetheart. I’m important that way. I know you might not be able to fathom that but one busted up hellhole is nothing compared to what I do for this planet. Didn’t you see me on the TV, handing out lollipops to hurricane survivors? What are you doing besides whine on the internet?” He stares you down, his expression turning sinister as his grin fades. 

“If it’s not a big deal, then it shouldn’t take much, should it?” You challenge. 

“Wow, you sure are mouthy, aren’t you?” 

“I’m tired.” You peer down the street again. “I worked a full shift and my feet hurt. You wouldn’t know about that, would you? With your penthouse and your dad’s money.” 

“I earned my company.” He snarls. “You watch where you’re stepping, sweetheart. I’m being nice. I flew all the way back to this ditch, so let’s not play dirty.” 

Your heart races. You don’t know why you’ve said so much. Maybe because you’ve worn a customer service smile all day and you’re all out of fucks to give?

And what do you have left to lose? A family that treats you like a gnat flying around their heads and a musty old futon. Your life wasn’t great before but damn if he didn’t make it a whole lot worse. 

“You do whatever. You’re Tony Stark. Iron Man.” Your tone is deflated and monotone. “I can’t do anything about it, can I? Just whine on the internet?” 

You step further down the sidewalk and stare at the approaching headlights. The bus is finally there. Even if he really means to replace the dusty old shithole, you don’t need his self-aggrandized kindness. Not if this is how it’s delivered. 

You pull out your bus fare as you sway beneath the sign. A sharp noise tweaks your ear and you’re seized in a metal vice. Your arms are trapped against your sides as Tony zooms up into the sky, the air whipping around your face as you holler in horror. 

“What-- are—you—doing?” You shriek as you wriggle, kicking into the empty void around you. 

“Sweetheart,” his voice rises from behind his helmet. “You’re gonna wanna be still. If I drop you, you’re gonna hit the ground like a bug on a windshield.” 

“What the fuck?” You exclaim and squeeze your eyes shut. 

“Just givin’ you a lift home. Like a nice guy would do.” He chuckles. “Now don’t breathe too heavy up here. At this altitude... well...” 

You put your head down, shielding it against the shoulder plate of his suit, and you bend your arms to cling to him. You have no other choice but to hold on for dear life.

You get his point. Tony Stark is more than money. He can do whatever the hell he wants. 

[misscammiedawn]

it’s literally your own fault that you have trauma from personality play, idiot. why the fuck would you EVER engage in intense kink with people you didn’t trust/people who didn’t believe in hypnosis/etc. and not practice the most obvious safety precautions during lmao. moronic behavior honestly.

Wasn't 100% sure if I should reply or delete-- My rule is to delete anon-hate without a second thought and the moment the word 'idiot' was brought out it fell into that category. So firstly, no sympathy/support either for the message or the circumstances please. I'm not here for that and it undermines the point if people focus on that.

Buuut here's the thing. I know. This isn't an accusation or an insult or even mean. Everything you say is in the body of the Ethical Personality Play post. Like-- uuuh--- I dunno what to say? Congrats, you read the post?

Fact is these events happened 15+ years ago and the community lacked the support, education and structure that it has now. I'm trying to help build something which I needed back then. Will I save everyone? No. Can I help like one person? I hope so.

But like, I was a self-destructive moronic idiot 15+ years ago and I am sorta open about it?

Like here are direct quotes (key quotes bolded):

I have experience with this fallacy myself. In utilizing hypnosis to ignore my triggers I did severe damage to myself and I am now plagued with intrusive memories and nightmares of events that happened during scenes that I was able to effortlessly indulge in during the scene but as they say "The body keeps the score" and I was in fact doing further damage to myself. Something which my partner at the time was not equipped to deal with because I'd failed to disclose or even treat the situation as worth being safe about. Now I am just burdened with further damage by ignoring my brain's defenses on my existing pain.

Likewise I want to note the power imbalance that comes from play like this. A motivated hypnotee can fling themselves into this arena and do harm to the hypnotist. This does fly both ways. A hypnotee not advocating for themselves or exercising their agency will make a hypnotist accessory to the damage. This is a sin I have committed.

...look... I don't want to be an old lady yelling at the kids for doing things when I did them myself at that age. I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't pretend I didn't see the allure on both sides of the watch.

I just... there weren't 20+ year experienced hypnosis veterans who had been in my character play abusing position when I was growing up. No one warned me. I learned all this the hard way and I hurt people. People I loved. Moreover I hurt me. In ways that will never heal. I just want to spare anyone I can the pain of going through this.

So--- like

Yeah. You read the post and understood it. I'm glad you read the post and understood it.

The landscape was different back then but that's no excuse. We were a fucking dumb child who wanted to be anyone but ourselves and acted recklessly because of it. We were a dangerous and toxic hypnotee and we should have known better.

That's the lesson. That's the point. I'm not here to ask forgiveness from the people I hurt or sympathy for the fact we fucked up. We just want to help build framework that didn't exist when we were starting out.

History on the hypnokink community is a topic that probably does need to be taught-- but if you're young enough that you've never known a place without framework, education and support then I'm glad, honestly. It means a lot of good people, dedicated people, have done work building houses my silly little essays can only manage to move pebbles with. I'm glad for that. Really.

The post isn't there for you to think "Poor Cammie :(" it's there for you to think "What an idiot, I'm never going to be like her"

So-- yeah-- I don't post anon-hate as a rule-- so thank you for the fan mail. Knee-jerk reaction aside, it makes me happy that you got the point.

[hero-israel]

Can i just say I am so sick and tired of people claiming genocide. I mean with saying Israel is committing genocide on Palestinians right now. Every time I see it I want to scream. This is one of the numerous reasons why the pro palestine movement sucks. They can't just say something is bad, focus on real grievances. Instead they have to exaggerate and claim everything is the worst possible version. They can't just say "palestinian civilians are suffering," or even "excessive civilian deaths." No. they have to claim genocide.

it’s disgusting. they are appropriating terms and watering them down in the process. genocide is a very real horrific problem that is ACTUALLY happening to people right now... and they have to claim that term for their situation because why? to paint israel/israelis as the ultimate evil? to claim this issue is the worst ever and insist everyone else drop everything and only care about this? to add more emphasis on their lies and propaganda of israel being a colonial empire practicing apartheid? intentional flipping because they know Jews have been victim to genocide (we see this more explicitly when they compare Israel in this war to nazis)?

Maybe part of it is that if israel is responsible for genocide, then there’s no need to acknowledge how HAMAS and their actions play a significant role in palestinian suffering? (It can't be that hamas steals aid for civilians, no it must be 100% israel’s fault and only theirs! Also joe Biden I guess! /sarcasm)

No matter what, it’s a cynical ploy and absolutely disgusting.

In some ways it reminds me of how people online have taken terms like “trigger,” “gaslight,” and more, and completely twisted and watered down their meaning, turned it all into a joke ... except obviously much worse, here.

what really grinds me up is seeing how many people are buying into this. especially gen z. I am so done with my generation honestly. im ashamed to be associated with these people. part of me doesn't get it. im not jewish. and i try my best not to be antisemitic, educate myself. it does take work, but also it’s NOT THAT HARD to just NOT post completely unverified stuff, NOT absorb your news from social media, NOT give accusations of genocide without doing any research, bothering to learn about historical context, actually understanding what experts say and explanations why it is not genocide? And most of all actually LISTEN to jewish people when they talk about their own history and heritage?

Im not saying this to say im so great, in fact it's the opposite: what im doing is nothing special and amazing. it's really BASIC. yet SO MANY PEOPLE fail this??? what the fuck????

I understand people cannot educate themselves on literally very single topic. But then if they are ignorant, then they should just SHUT UP and not weigh on something they didn't take the work to understand. That is not hard!!!! NOT casually throwing around accusations of genocide should be the bare minimum and yet here we are.

All of the above. I am sorry you are dealing with this from so many among your cohort, and deeply appreciate your commitment as a non-Jew to resisting the new Christ-killer / stab-in-the-back mythology. It will continue to be difficult. For decades - for CENTURIES - all the wealthiest and most educated people in societies worldwide "knew" the Jews were guilty of these terrible things.

Derek Chauvin was convicted of the second- and third-degree murder of George Floyd. There were people at that time who were upset he hadn't been nailed for first-degree murder - he was obviously guilty! Look what a horrible thing he did! Get him for everything! But there actually really are different standards of evidence for different crimes and if prosecutors had tried to go for that one they would have lost.

I don't doubt for an instant that the IDF has committed multiple war crimes during this entirely preventable, entirely pointless cataclysm. But people are racing past the crimes that are clearly visible and could be supported by evidence because they want - need - HOPE for the very worst one to be true. It is a moral obscenity. And you can tell how much they are enjoying themselves, how fine it feels to be able to invoke genocide against Jews and Uno-reverse that nagging Holocaust card, by how quickly they revert to petty Internet slang to silence counter-arguments: "lol WELL ACTUALLLYYY, so you're JUST ASKING QUESTIONS rite, nice SEALIONING." It is meant to be an inherently, automatically truthful claim, one that the Jew has no right to deny.

The Disputations of our time.

And as we did in the past... we must answer, because not-answering will not help.

[corviddusk]

I am Neutral on "shipcourse"

I hate like rehashing this discourse because it centers around a lot of trauma for me as a human trafficking survivor and as someone who was on the internet way too young and got harassed by people in mass droves online but I just wanted to make a post about it.

I am not antiship.

I am not proship.

I consider myself media literate and critical (profic but not proship)

I'm going to list off issues I have with both communities and I'll also mention aspects I have found good about both, then explain why I label myself now as neutral and kinda cringe at my past as an antishipper. I may not be proship myself but I'm still in a sense... An ex-anti.

✧:･ﾟ( ̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅[̲̅:♡:̲̅]̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅ ) ･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ( ̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅[̲̅:♡:̲̅]̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅ ) ･ﾟ✧

Issues with Antishippers

Literal puritanism. Like full on "well you shouldn't have been wearing that if you didn't want to be assaulted" type puritanism.

Anti-kink stances that mirror radfem ideology

Anti-sex in general

The inability to just block people and curate their own spaces

Cross tagging so much crosstaging

Actual harassment especially of children

Inability to accept nuance or understand that there may be more than one reason for someone to be proship

Encouragement to emotionally self harm and not distance yourself from things that are openly triggering.

Going into people's asks or DMs whining about who they follow

Labeling anyone who doesn't engage with the discourse as proship or proship defenders and then in turn "pedophiles/pedo defenders"

Allowing minors in their spaces and sending porn or barley censored porn to talk about how "gross" it is (THIS IS STILL SENDING A CHILD PORN LEAVE THEM ALONE YOU'RE COMMITTING A CRIME)

Sharing around the content they're against to get people riled up instead of trying to be helpful to people wanting to not be triggered by seeing it.

✧:･ﾟ( ̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅[̲̅:♡:̲̅]̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅ ) ･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ( ̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅[̲̅:♡:̲̅]̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅ ) ･ﾟ✧

Issues With Proshippers

Anger and lashing out at people who are not as sexual as them. "PURITEENSSS RAHHH" When that is a literal child who probably doesn't want to have sex because they're a CHILD. Maybe children are going to have more likely innate disgust at sexual topics and shouldn't be involved in the discourse?

The inability to block people and curate their own spaces (oh look both sides have this issue)

Crosstaging all the fucking time... (Both sides again)

Actual harassment to the point it's a joke they claim to be anti-harassment (Literally some of the biggest accounts that are "proship" oriented are focused on harassing and bullying random people online and usually children :/)

Inability to accept nuance or understand that there may be more than one reason for someone to be antiship (it's both again)

Encouragement to emotionally self harm and not distance yourself from things that are openly triggering. (Yeah both do this)

Labeling anyone and everyone who doesn't have exactly 100% the same opinions "alt right" or calling it "Nazi rhetoric" or screaming about them being puritanical even over slight disagreements

Get offended at the idea of criticizing any media because how dare you have opinions on media I guess... "No more fun if your fun slightly annoys me and makes me upset even though I claim I only care about harm!"

Also allowing minors into their space and/or in mass speaking to children on porn accounts for having "the wrong opinion™" with their porn accounts

Supporting actual child grooming and predation in proship spaces and defending 20+ year olds speaking in private DMs to a 13- year old about the ethics of pornography and trying to get the little kid to like a certain kind of porn (This is about something I saw proshippers come out in droves to defend in the Obey me fandom)

Sharing around the posts of the people they don't like that are against them and riling everyone up and purposefully triggering others for the sake of discourse (similar to antis)

✧:･ﾟ( ̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅[̲̅:♡:̲̅]̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅ ) ･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ( ̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅[̲̅:♡:̲̅]̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅ ) ･ﾟ✧

So yeah both sides have a child abuse problem, a self harm problem, issues with etiquette, and issues with making any form of cohesive point. Now this isn't to say that all these issues are always in every single individual anti/proshipper. Everyone is different, some people will engage in one way or another but I want to be clear this is about what I've seen online from these groups by and large. It's a cluster fuck of abuse hurled at one another and it's disgusting. Children shouldn't ever be involved in shipcourse and I'm sorry if it offends kids but this is for their safety. We don't let kids in any other NSFW communities but people will pretend that doesn't apply to the EROTIC FANFICTION AND FANWORK DISCOURSE.

I literally cannot stress enough that this is about primarily erotic fanfiction. Yes there's stuff that goes beyond and tends into actual media analysis type conversations and ethics of fiction, which I love, but most of this is about random pornography.

Am I anti this nebulous concept or shipping that nobody can agree upon and actually doesn't matter because anti/pro ship has nothing to do with wether or not you ship things in general- or am pro this nebulous concept of shipping that has no actual cohesive agreed upon definition?

I have met wonderful people on all sides of this debate. I have met horrific people on all sides of this debate. But most of all everyone who has ever spoken on this debate has been prone to completely missing the point of what someone has to say. If you want to have big boy philosophical discussion about the ethics or morality or impact of fiction and fictional content then let's have that outside of these parameters. I love discussing media and I love having in-depth discussions about how people interpret it how it impacts the world reasons people are for or against certain stories or ways of depicting things but I am not loving discussing whether or not Henry over there in the corner is allowed to make his little dolls kiss because one's a human and the other is a monster who has an unreasonable life span.

I'm neutral ship because of these parameters in my own opinions

I don't really give a flying fuck about what someone ships. If I don't like it I block them and move on. I don't harass them it's easy.

I don't support shipping of anyone real people without their explicit consent because it is a form of sexual harassment. Something that I have endured in real life before. I believe it should be moderated and should be removed when non-consensual as it is sexual misconduct and harms the victims.

I think some types of content needs to be properly tagged especially those of triggering natures. I believe ideally those who do not properly tag and categorize these works should have theirs striken down on online platforms or automatically corrected to the right settings as part of moderation to allow people to more easily avoid triggers (IDEALISTICALLY I am aware this will likely not occur or get misused by bigoted people such as current issues with websites marking trans people as inherently sexual when we are not)

I am against all forms of harassment though I can understand why and how it can occur in many cases and have been guilty of this behavior in the past. I believe people should be able to grow and change and move past this.

I do not feel comfortable with a large amount of the content that is common from proshippers as it is triggering to me. I think if they keep it to themselves and don't force people to look at shit or mistag it it's more so okay.

I do not think children should EVER be involved in erotica discourse and it is so fucked that they have been. It messed me up as a kid and it's gonna mess others up

I think if you're going to make a certain kind of content you have to accept people thinking you're weird or gross, same with sharing said content. People will be grossed out and scared of me liking Gore and Guro. That's okay, they're allowed to be freaked out and if someone can't be friends with me because of that fact, then clearly we weren't compatible as friends anyways.

Censorship is necessary in some circumstances this especially applies to works of propaganda. I find the idea that your stance on fanfiction has any reflection of how you feel about broader media to be foolish. I don't care about your weird Hisoka X Reader fanfiction that's morally ambiguous I care about the effects of things like "The Birth Of A Nation" which was a propagandistic film that spurred the resurgence of the KKK. I think that things that will cause harm in the present should be sealed away in historical foundations or museum vaults for some time before being allowed again to the general public for historical purposes. (ONLY in cases where a work will cause direct harm like say Mien Kamph by Adolf Hitler)

I don't feel comfortable being associated with anti or pro ship people

I believe that writing specific stereotypes into your fanfiction about minorities is a reflection of your own bigotry and unless it's written for the purposes of discussion of such themes or as satire or parody of said bigotries there is in fact a reason said work can be deemed to be racist/homophobic/transphobic/sexist or whatever else it may be

You can have weird fucked up kinks. Your kink is not my kink and that's okay. What's not okay is to try and coerce people into said kinks or get them to engage with you when they clearly are against it. If someone doesn't want to do an erotic roleplay around the themes of aggressive sadism and masochism then don't force it- find a topic you can both feel comfortable on.

At the core of it I am: anti-harassment, media critical, believe in some level of censorship for the safety of the public from extremist ideological propagandistic bigotry, see that fiction affects reality and wish to discuss the influence of media on society, and pro the creation of dark and fucked up media that is telling a story of genuine value.

I may also be disgusted by certain types of porn but as long as it's legal and not victimizing anyone or anything- people should be able to make it and be on their own. But also you gotta accept stigma comes with it. And if you make content centering a paraphilia then don't be shocked when you're called a paraphile.

[akirathedramaqueen]

Two completely random things I might regret dropping here later. But I think I need to get it out of my system and maybe it'll help me stop being a whiny insufferable grouch I've become the last days partially because of today's episode coming out.

TW for self-hatred (mine) and suicidal thoughts (not mine, don't call psych ward on me, please; and it's not in the post itself, only in the song it mentions later on).

One.

Waiting for Ghostfuckers fucked me up completely. Like not in a fun way. In a 'I've considered dropping this show despite how much I love it' way. Because it touches on a topic so deep and personal to me I am not sure I want to be inadvertendly called out like that. So I stopped checking tumblr, I avoided any HB mentions, I couldn't write two lines in the fic without being triggered (so if I ignored your tags or messages or replies—sorry!). Don't know since when I've become so sensitive. I actually took pride in being quite callous to everything. But apparently here I am.

It's not like the show is the sole reason my mental health went down the drain in the past weeks. Of course not. It's just that was the last fucking drop which sent me spiraling.

If anything, I dare to say it actually helped me understand myself better in many ways and learn to try to accept some fuck-ups I've done with my life, that it might be just fine to be fucked up a little.

Reason for all this rambling? None. Guess I just relate to Blitzø hard in this way and I am afraid to see even uglier side of myself. And maybe if you feel the same way about the silly demon show, I don't blame you, I am with you. But fuck it, I embrace it. Fucking hit me with that episode and leave me in shambles. I'm not ready, but hey, I am the AT and the FUCKING PENGUIN SHORT survivor, it can't be worse than that, right?

RIGHT?

(Watch me fucking crawl in the corner and wail in like? 8 hours from now on?)

Two.

I have that song on repeat, and its chorus is what I think characterizes all Blitzø's actions. Not the song itself though. This is the case where I take the chorus out of context deliberately, because the rest of it, well . . . this is TW-worthy. Suicidal thoughts TW-worthy. Consider it your warning.

So I'm just focusing on this part.

My personal hell, I'll bury it, bury it Weight of the world, I'll carry it, carry it Pile it all on, I've gotta be strong For somebody, for somebody Put my pain in a pill, I'll swallow it, swallow it Too numb to feel, I'm hollow, I'm hollow I have to hold on, I've gotta be strong For somebody, for somebody Somebody else

It's so Blitzø, isn't it?

Burying his trauma so that he can get through another day. Not realizing it keeps chipping away from his life however he tries ignoring it.

Swallowing his immense guilt and act brash. Put his pride on display, not realizing it's not the opposite of shame, but its source (I thank ATLA for this great quote).

Taking responsibility for literally everything happening around him. No matter if he could help it or not.

He's gotta be strong, he has to hold on and pile it all on. For somebody. Somebody else, who matters more than he does.

[neurotheascars]

First of all, no idea why this post had reblogs turned off but Ill respond here. Original post this for those who need context is here.

@fawna-lariat

First lemme get something out of the way:

You don't HAVE to do anything. You saying that just gives me the impression that you're a negativity chasing alter because that's exactly what I say when I'm thirsty for a fight.

Just because you know already that I probably won't agree with you doesn't mean I'm not listening. Word of advice- Get it out on your own blog. I'm only going to respond to you because you are being civil. But your attitude is grating to me because it feels like you didn't read a lick of the post you're commenting on.

I'm not a fragmented piece of a whole. I am a complete entity. It is extremely upsetting and triggering to keep hearing people insist that being an alter means you broke off of something. That's certainly a way for alters to form but it's not the only way and I'm tired of having "parts language" forced on to me. I know what I fucking am. I am a separate person. If you don't think I am you are denying my lived experience and ignoring the way a trauma victim literally exists. Parts language actually kept my system from healing so please fucking stop carrying that outdated claim about "shattered self" around like it's fact. It's not a reality for every system and I know more than one therapist that believes it is harmful to just assume a system is just one person broken into parts.

I'm pretty sure I've seen the sources you're talking about but there are other sources that contradict what you're saying too. My therapist honestly thinks being anti endo is a really misinformed stance in general if you need to hear that. You could really have your pick of information that proves your position is extremely narrow minded but I think you're comfortable and not going to do anymore research until you stumble upon it. You also don't seem to understand the real life context of what these studies actually prove or don't prove either.

You can send me that source, but I don't have the mental capability to comb through and properly refute claims in the manner that people like sophie and SAS do. I'm on mobile and I can't use tabs.

I've also already read a lot. I made a post a while back saying I was done with syscourse. I've also done a lot of research on entity creation techniques and parapsychology. I have 13ish years of experience on the topic and I know that mainstream psychology is only just now catching up to the reality of it all. I don't have the energy to entertain people who get dogmatic about mental health because I've deep dived in a way I can bet you haven't.

You aren't going to change my mind simply because you demonstrably don't know what I know.

Bottom line, you're talking to an alien who knows too much about this. And as a system who deals with all the dissociation and BS that comes with a did diagnosis, who was helped by created entities when we finally learned about the trauma, I frankly don't care if endos are in my community because it really really doesn't fucking matter.

Ive met cringey endos I don't like, but they don't "flood in to ruin my community" because I can block them without making them feel unwelcome and I want them to feel welcome because I don't know who they are or what they've been through. I don't know who might see me treating them poorly, and every system I'm ever met has been afraid of not feeling "valid" enough and gee I wonder why that could be when anti endos are drawing hard lines about how a system can form and behave.

And the thing is endos do know what being plural is like. Your belief that they don't isn't even a claim that can be backed with science. You're just making a sweeping generalization about what you think strangers understand. That's why I really dislike anti endos. The constant assumptions make my blood boil. I can't deal with that on the regular.

But regardless of anything you're saying about the distinction between tulpas and alters, endos are actually safer in the event of trauma occurring because their system hasn't had to deal with trauma to become organized. They have the option to be an organized system before trauma hits and are better for it because of their multiple consciousnesses.

That is just one unique way for a system to present and it's completely valid. If you think tulpas are real, but not alters then you should know that it's pretty easy for them to become alters. This is what happened to my IRL partner system. I'm not going to share their trauma story, but they are a group of tulpas that came from a paracosm that experienced trauma and now have to deal with all that extra stuff.

See you don't even realize it, but you're claiming my partner both doesn't understand what being plural is really like and that his alters aren't actually alters because he made them. Which, based on my lived experience with them, just isn't true. I don't need a peer reviewed paper to believe the lived experience of people right in front of me and that's why I don't agree with you. These studies never really concretely prove total absolutes and they don't claim to.

In fact its so easy for created alters to get all that extra trauma related dissociation with how stressful this shit world is that this distinction you're making really doesn't fucking matter in the end and only alienates people who are indeed trauma victims who might need support either now or in the future.

If you guys care so much about trauma victims why are you so hellbent on getting upset at and insulted by people who you literally don't know could be trauma victims. And if they aren't, a split consciousness configuration literally is the brain's way of dealing with trauma so tell me why it's so bad to be metaphorically holding the fire extinguisher in hand when the fire happens instead of having to run and break glass to get to it when you actually need it.

I truly don't think you know what you're talking about and saying that tulpas are real but they don't "count" as alters sounds like some highschool shit. I don't think you grasp that endos can have trauma separate from the origin of their alters and it's actually not your business if they do or not. It's only that their trauma isn't the cause of their alters. They may still have trauma that their alters help out with. I would agree that having a fragmented sense of self definitely makes it easier to create alters, but it doesn't mean you can't without the trauma.

I remember reading in a lot of grimoires and books on spirituality that anything that involves things like lucid dreaming, hedge crossing, and entity conjuration is easier for those who have been through an "ordeal". "Magic" and tulpamancy is easier if you've been through some life ruining shit. Thats all this claim that "created entities don't stick around in an unfragmented mind" means to me

Like yeah duh it's gonna take more effort to keep them there if you don't have your "head cracked open" as some spirit workers used to say.

The fact that I have witnessed with my own eyes what you say is impossible means to me that your science is incomplete.

Again, nobody is insulting you by simply existing and a lot of them do know what it's like to be plural.

[hazshit-hotel-hater]

*jingles keys infront of your face*

Hi guys

Having a strange night again but I suddenly remembered Frank Sinatra exists and my brain went nuts for a second and I remembered one very specific song that reminds me of Angel Dust and also this brings me to my topic of how to write what Episode 4 was trying to do without being shit.

Song for your listening pleasure~

Alright *cracks knuckles* let me tell you how my brain is working.

Poison is meant to sound like a generic romance pop song about a bad relationship on the surface but the audience is supposed to know it’s about something much worse. Now lets flip that around real quick.

“My Way Of Life” is a romance song.

At least I think it is? I’m under the aromantic umbrella and I don’t pick up on this stuff good.

BUT try listening to the song while imagining the wording to be more hostile and literal.

A few standout ones are these in my opinion

—————

Gotta have you near all the time, with your dreams wrapped up in mine.

Gotta be a part of your soul and your heart all the time.

You are my way of life.

The only way I know.

I’ll never let you go.

Because “I love you so.”

You are my way of life.

The only way I know.

Make me your way of life.

Don’t ever go.

Nothing in the world that I do means a thing without you.

Im just half alive, in my struggle to survive without you.

Never let you out of my sight.

Be it day.

Be it night.

You belong to me.

That’s the way it has to be; wrong or right.

—————

Colour coding this by which characters I feel represents these best by the way. Angel-ish ones are pink and Valentino ones are red.

When you look at them in a tone like that with certain lines being possessive, and fake (ie. “I love you so”) and the others being despairing, self-loathing, you can hopefully see how I mistook this for a much more unhappy song when I first heard it.

If you look at a song like this thats so dramatic and intense and full of emotion, it’s going to be better than some generic pop song like 99% of the time. The music also make sense for the time period Angel died since Sinatra was popular in the 1940-1950’s which I personally think adds more.

How I imagine some kind of music video for this would play out, I’ll probably end up storyboarding it sometime, but bear with me till I do. would be a lot of Angel doing day to day things and tapping more into what ADDICT did with flashbacks and hallucinations and so on without shoving rape in our faces. I touched on this in my original Episode 4 rant so I’m going to vaguely recap on that. There are times where very simple things can trigger unpleasant memories, I think everyone knows that. But for some reason, Vivzie seems to think the only way to show SA actually happened is to deliberately show us since every other character thats been sexually assaulted or sexually abused has it played off as a joke. Yes I am fucking talking about Sir Pentious.

Angel having a flashback or hallucination doesn’t have to be of it happening. It can be something as simple as sitting next to Valentino. Someone pronouncing something the same way Valentino would. A specific piece of trash on the floor like a cup showing up somewhere else. Reminders can be tiny have a massive impact. Sometimes reminders for shit I’ve experienced is something as small as a hat, water, or a nickname. Even a day of the month can be nerve wracking.

Im about to start listing a bunch of ideas and stuff so this may end up being the entire song, brace yourself for reading all this.

0:00-0:32

I feel like this would start with Angel in his room staring at a wall, probably drinking after work.

“Gotta have you near all the time with your dreams wrapped in mine.”

Is less of a willing “gotta” and more of a “I can’t do anything else.” with the talk of dreams alluding more to the fact that Angel’s original wants from the contract are long gone and noting that Valentino is controlling his career, future, needs, wants, “privileges”.

“Gotta be a part of your soul and of your heart all the time.”

Is once again about the contract of Angel’s soul.

0:33-0:51

“Nothing in the world that I do means a thing without you.”

In the original song I assume this is meant to be like “Life is so dull without you” but for the way I hear this song, it sounds a lot more like “Nothing that I do holds any meaning without your name attached to it.” in a kind of corporate way. I imagine this part with Angel walking down the street and seeing posters of himself but all of them have credits to Valentino somewhere on them. Angel likes his job but obviously the job that he previously enjoyed has turned into a dangerous and traumatic one. Posters like this can both be seen as a reminder that Angel is no longer in control of his own life and as some kind of intrusive thought like “I’m only famous because of you. I gave up everything for this.” AKA Valentino manipulating his way of thinking about his situation.

“I’m just half alive in my struggle to survive without you.”

Once again calling back to Angel’s contract. This part to me is more of what I stated in another rant I did a while ago. Honestly if I ever did this it’d likely take place after or during season 2 under the assumption Valentino dies. This is more of what I said in the linked post, but it’s a lot of Angel processing everything that’s happened to him. Everything suddenly hitting him all at once. “Struggle to survive without you” doesn’t mean that Angel is struggling because Valentino is gone, health struggling because he was there in the first place. Angel is dealing with and processing severe trauma and judging by ADDICT, dealing with vivid flashbacks and hallucinations as well.

0:52-1:15

A lot of this section reminds me of how I processed my emotions when I first realised that I had control over my own life again and I feel like Angel would feel very similarly to how I did.

“You are my way of life. The only way I know.”

After so many years of sticking to this strict regime, enduring so much pain and stress, it’s so hard to just suddenly snap out of it. That was your reality for years and it’s over, but everything that happened is still clinging to you so harshly it feels like its still happening, but when you prepare for a previous habit you picked up from that time and it doesn’t happen it can be so jarring it’s terrifying that you’re still so used to it. My best example in this setting is going to hang up a call and saying “Hey I have to go do something” and you expect to have to lie about why you’re leaving or prepare for the other person to get mad and then they just. Don’t. And you can hang up normally. I know some people wont get this but that kinda stuff is such a specific feeling of realisation.

“You are my way of life. I’ll never let you go.”

Can be taken as either Angel talking to himself; saying he’ll never let the memories and trauma from Valentino go because it’s so engrained into his mind, or, as Angel remembering Valentino explicitly stating he will never let him go. Even if Valentino is dead by this time, it could still be done with a flashback or auditory hallucination like Angel had in Episode 2.

I don’t think I’ll be diving into this entire song, but it really hit something in my brain. I had to quickly sketch a possible frame for a video if I did ever make one:

It’s a bit basic, but hopefully you see what I’m going for. This was for the 0:52-1:15 section mostly, but I can see it being used in various other places.

I hope this was at least a little bit interesting for you all and if not at least maybe I could introduce you to a really good Frank Sinatra song! Usually my really long posts like this don’t get much traction, but I hope this one at least sees a glimpse of daylight because it really is an interesting idea to me. If you have any thoughts, questions, or ideas for this please tell me I love when you guys ask me stuff. I am hopefully going to knock out now because it’s 2:44 AM at the time of writing this, so whenever I post this, please enjoy.

[icekingofhope]

THE SYNNI DRAMA (WARNING VERY DARK TOPICS WILL BE IN THIS READ WITH CAUTION)

so…I don’t like bringing up drama but I wanna bring up something considering synni

if you don’t know synni used to be these popular YouTuber in the 2010s going by scootaloo loves sans (which she made her persona a aged up scootaloo and ship her with sans) now I wanna explain the drama she gone threw to minor it worse one

To start it off there was this character named boy from a fnf mod I don’t much about him as I’m no longer into fnf as the fandom grew toxic but ever since synni found this character she literally BECAME OBSESSED with him to the point of disrespecting the creator

to explain boy is aroace in canon but like synni had sexualized him and the creators other character whitty and the creator had shown a lot discomfort with this and synni claimed she wasn’t “gonna use the ocs anymore” but secretly did and she did something with boy and well…I will get into that later

there is also the birdie (who is later named jack) situation but I don’t know a lot about it and plus birdie was groomed as a child back then and surrounded by a lot of very VERY bad people but I suggest looking into it with your own risk as it has really dark shit in it

another thing is that synni has…thing so to explain obviously she is in the undertale fandom now it was weird her persona was scootaloo aged up but I heard she was a child during that but I am taking that with a grain of salt but as she grew more into undertale more she started to simp for nightmare and error which you would think “now whats wrong with that” well…she had made a au of like nightmare kidnapping and forcing her to be his wife and abusing her same goes with error but mostly with nightmare and even imagining them sexually assaulting her it’s really messed up

she had came to explain its cause of maladaptive daydreaming which I feel off by cause I have it but I don’t imagine being sexually assaulted now don’t say “well just because you have it doesn’t mean it’s not normal for people with that” I understand that but still it’s really strange even considering the other things she has done

(EDIT: I was told she was 16 when this happened)

she had also posted very suggestive art to minors on discord I don’t remember much because I don’t wanna go back and look in the doc cause it honestly made me genuinely uncomfortable and sick but it didn’t made me as sick as the other major stuff

So I’m gonna bring up the comic what comic you may ask well remember I mention about boy? Well she had made this comic about him and nightmare basically she had boy kidnapped nightmare and basically full on sexually assault him many times and treat him like garbage cause she made nightmare treat her like garbage I don’t remember much what happened but it honestly really triggered me especially when I was in the undertale fandom nightmare was a huge comfort character to me as I relate to him and seeing my comfort character being portrayed as a sexual assault victim honestly made me almost cry I luckily had my best friend on the call comforting me while we saw this cause we just discovered the drama on call

now last but not least the biggest piece of drama of them all

so basically she is currently getting into backlash for grooming and sending porn to a 14 year old and also threatening to kill her soon to be ex roommate jack which is so fucking sick I won’t get into much detail into this much but if you wanna know more read the documents

I suggest to read it with caution cause the stuff in it is so fucking disgusting

now what is my opinion?

she is obviously NOT mentally well like she needs to get away from the internet and get arrested not just for others sake but herself she practically destroyed her own life and I’m afraid she is actually gonna do something horrible to jack

Now jack aka birdie may have done wrong but he was just a kid when most of the drama happened I don’t support his actions but he doesn’t deserve to be stuck with this clearly mentally unstable woman

I beg of you to donate for him to move somewhere else and help him start a new life https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-jack-get-to-safety

And as for people who are defending synni (COUGH COUGH JAR AKA JUST A ROBOT COUGH COUGH) your are so fucked if you think grooming a minor and threatening to kill someone is ok

I just hope synni actually seeks professional help or aleast goes to jail not only just for the sake for others safety but for her own cause if she genuinely doesn’t want to be a bad person she should do this final act by stop going on the internet and go to a mental hospital or the police

Anyways to the people reading this I hope I didn’t ruin your day with this post just don’t let this stuff scare you the world maybe cruel and sometimes unbearable but let me tell you something that someone once told me the world only seems bad cause we only hear the bad remember the world can be good you have friends and family to support you even if some rotten apples are here don’t forget there are good ones too

it took me a long time to see that I hope your day is good and you continue to have a amazing life cause you deserve it

thank you for reading lads and lasses

[as8bakwthesage]

My Experience With Lily Orchard + Fuck Her

Now, if those of you who know me or have been following me for a while will know that I used to be a massive Lily Orchard fan. I used to support her, I defended her, and I was once a member of her patron even.

I’ve heard stories from people, former friends, former fans, about how much of a manipulating and nasty bitch she is. At best, she’s lashed out at fans for drawing innocuous fanart and for bringing up topics in stream that she doesn’t approve of (I’ve been there, I’ve seen it), and at worst she’s a lying abusive cunt who can’t help but make people around her miserable.

And while I’ve not been the subject of Lily’s abuse, I have been witness and bore the blunt of her passive aggressive horseshit, her manipulating situations to make me appear like a cunt for daring to correct her on an opinion of a book she never fucking read, her shamelessly putting me on blast in one of her videos where she insinuated I was stupid for asking a question about LGBT+ rep, for telling me and other fans to stop talking when we tried to defend our positions in chat.

I’ve had to walk on eggshells around her because I feel like every word I say or anything I do will be seen as an attack on her despite me being a fan of hers for literally fucking years and she knows this. I’ve been a fan of hers since I was 15-16 and I’m 22 now. With no other content creator have I felt the need to be so fucking careful of what I say.

And when I sent her an ask telling her that her yelling at others on stream for seemingly no reason was actively triggering me (mind you, in the nicest way possible because I couldn’t hurt Ms. Orchard’s feewings oh nuuuu) she ignored my ask. Do I have proof she saw it? No. Is she a large enough content creator that she receives so much interaction/asks on her tumblr that my ask got swallowed? Also No.

If you’re a Lily Orchard fan, I am not a needless hater, I am not a stalker or a troll or a bigot. I’m a transgender and biromantic/asexual person myself who is Native and actively participates in activities regarding my tribe and culture. I’m white passing like Lily is. I used to be a fan of hers for fuck’s sake and an active one too.

But here’s the thing - she’ll suck you in with her bold commentary and criticisms and some of it is genuinely really thought provoking and interesting. On the outset she has a “no tolerance for abusers” policy and she’s charismatic to an audience of teenagers who were being abused. Fuck, she helped me realise I was being abused and when the Toonkritic shit came out, that slowly started to help me realise I was being groomed by my exe (TheHauntedReader)

I convinced myself for the longest time that just because Lily wrote “Stockholm” that it didn’t mean anything. That all of her weird takes and opinions were just a quirky “haha i did this in my youth and i regret it” moment. But this isn’t 13-year-old me writing weird fanfiction between an adult and a child when I didn’t fucking know any better and was being actively groomed and abused, this was an adult who wrote CP and romanticised it and tried to get away with it and who should have known better!

And once you are a fan of hers, it’s hard not to become emotionally invested, especially if you’ve always seen her behaviour as normal, which I did. A lot of her fans are abuse/trauma survivors and she knows that. So many of us have confided to her that she helped us realise we could be happier and that we could escape. That we were more than our abuse. These are powerful things to talk about.

But she doesn’t care about us. Never has. Never will. She convinced me and has convinced others that us asking her stupid/silly questions is damaging to her. That it’s caused her so much emotional damage and stress that she can justify lashing out and verbally abusing her audience, y’know - the people who gave her a career. By her own admission, she hates us, but expects our support when she’s being harassed??

Girl, fuck off.

But that is just my own experience. I’ve seen some shit in the past couple of days that I can’t unsee and I encourage you all to look into it because it’s such a dark hole that the phrase “stare into the abyss for too long and it stares back” is what I feel like right now.

And I know why I feel like this - I invested energy and money and emotions into this woman and her channel. I’ve supported her. And no, Lily, this is not about me wanting to be your friend. It’s about me asking for some fucking decency as someone you at least know of and at most you know supported you? To not lie and misrepresent what I’ve said and then vaguepost about me?

Have I made mistakes? Yes. But that’s no excuse to berate and yell at people who have only asked stupid questions or fuck, even made goddamn harmless jokes??

Also, if fans/friends of Lily’s are harassing @asunnycoffee you guys are the fucking worst. Don’t fucking attack my friend you raging cunts. I have a couple ideas of who you might be, but I know you won’t air out your dirty laundry with me, Ginger.

You guys are pathetic.

Lily doesn’t care about her fans, she doesn’t care about her friends, and she’s certainly not going to start anytime soon.

[takami-takami]

Fuck if I know how to tag this lmao. I am safe!

Don't worry about this! I am simply doing an exercise in being open and honest like a journal, so do not feel obligated in any which way whatsoever to read or not read this or anything of any sort. 👍

I want to write coherent stories like the comforts i used to write. I wish I could. I want so desperately to be able to. I remember how it helped me. I'm sorry for editing this post.

But i picture the setting, and describing it. How am I supposed to write a comfort now in which the walls aren't melting? In which there are no analogies? It's all analogies. I don't know, I'm trying really hard to make this post make sense and maybe I can clarify it later.

But. I try writing about sitting on a couch, and the couch is so painfully, achingly red. It is velvet with gold tassels and as I say this, I remember my (I shouldn't be editing this. Do not touch this. Do not touch this. Why did you correct the typo.) grandmother's throw pillows looked like that. I traced a child's fingertip along the divots, I remember, royal patterns in gold, an ancient trinket bought from dusty flea markets by my grandmother. Eyes open, laid back, on days I was able to go to the living room, rare days.

And the more I look at it, I see that the analogies aren't analogous at all. They're secrets, woven in how my fingers type automatically and even this is difficult. I hope you understand how much care I am placing into you (scratch back, delete into you. Another analogous trigger reflecting something deep. What I meant to say was how hard I am trying to type what I "mean" rather than what comes natural.)

What I am trying to say is. I can write, it just won't make sense. I won't write. I can't stay focused on the topic, which I recognize is because in states like this I am unable to detach from the malignant mass that sustains me and my lucidity regarding trauma. Like, those masses that tree trunks get. If you tethered a child to it, and connected them to it via wires like the matrix.

I promise I am not trying to sound cryptic on purpose. I just literally cannot write anything at all right now. I don't really feel tethered to characters anyway.

I tried reading one of my fics I wrote and my eyes glazed over and none of the contents existed unfortunately. So I tried writing another one and it didn't work out, it just ended up like This clusterfuck of a post (I am masking! Look at me trying to appear clear and to my "actual" point!).

Anyway. I'm traumatized. This happens whenever I get retraumatized. Don't worry about it. I was going to say my brain is like an egg salad before remembering you don't fry the eggs for an egg salad, so.

This is the closest i can get. You can fill in the blank, if you'd like.

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Crash and Burn 9

My warnings are not exhaustive but be aware this is a dark fic and may include potentially triggering topics. Please use your common sense when consuming content. I am not responsible for your decisions.

Character: Tony Stark

Summary: a powerful man comes crashing into your life. Literally.

As usual, I would appreciate any and all feedback. I’m happy to once more go on this adventure with all of you! Thank you in advance for your comments and for reblogging ❤️

The vertigo blurs to darkness. You wade in the sludge of your own unconscious, still addled by your waking discomfort. Deep down inside of you is a thrum that never quite relents. It keeps you from sinking into a full sleep but has you trapped in a shallow and fruitless slog. 

A single touch and you’re awake. You groan as your eyes snap open and you recoil into yourself. Tony laughs as he tickles along your outer thigh. Your leg hangs over the edge of the sofa as your other is straight down the cushions. You cling, teetering over the floor. 

You push yourself up, sitting in the corner as you put your knees to your chest and hug them. You can’t hide from him. Your nakedness tingles as he smirks at you. 

“There she is,” he taunts, “good morning, sweetheart. Ready for round...” he pauses to count on his fingers, “you know, I lost track.” 

You put your palm to your forehead and shudder. You did too. You can’t tell the start from the end. The night is just a haze. 

“Well, I don’t know about you but I’m ready to get the day started,” he unties the belt of his black silk robe and opens it. Your eyes flick up to avoid his hard length. Jesus Christ. “I know the silver at my temples might be deceiving but I run hot, sweetheart.” 

“Do you ever stop?” You groan and rub your eye. “I’m exhausted--” 

“I didn’t ask,” his tone deepens as he nears and grabs your wrist, ripping your hand away from your face. “When I snap my fingers you get into position. Any will do, really.” 

“Stop, stop, I--” 

He brings up his other arm and looks at the watch on his wrist. It’s more of a command center as it seems to do more than tell the time. He tilts his arms just so and a ripple rolls through you. You squeal and jump off the sofa, colliding with him. 

“Now, we can go groundhog day with this, I don’t care, but I’m thinking you’ve had enough of that. Still...” he twirls his fingers and the intensity throbs, “I like to watch you squirm.” 

You grab onto the open robe along his shoulders and grit your teeth, “please, please, whatever, I—I'll do whatever--” You put your chin down and whine. “Fuck, I can’t--” 

Your legs tremble as you barely keep from folding. You bite down on the tension and yank on him. You swing your weight back and pull him down with you onto the sofa. You open your legs around him in surrender. 

“Just get it over with,” you sneer. 

“Wrong fucking answer,” he clucks and shakes his head. 

He shifts and moves over you. He lines up with your cunt, rubbing up and down, but not entering. You drone and tug on his hair. 

“Just fuck me!” 

“Come on, have a little romance. Foreplay’s important,” he snickers. 

“Uggh, why... why...” you roll your eyes back and rattle with another swell of tension. “God, I hate this. I hate you.” 

“Oh baby, you say that but the way your cunt begs for it,” he lets his tip flick up and rams his fingers into you. “You’re a bad liar.” 

You moan as he curls his fingers and wiggles his hand. You squeeze him with your thighs and snake your hand down to claw at his ass. You try to pull him closer as you whimper. 

“Please.” 

“Say it nicer for me, sweetheart.” 

“Tony, please, please,” your voice cracks, “please just fuck me. Shit. Jesussssss.”  

You turn your head to the side and heave as the swell pulses in your core. Your eyes stream and your lip trembles. You can’t help but sob. You can’t take much more. 

“I know, once you go Stark... I never found a good rhyme for it, actually,” he teases and drags his fingers out of you. “Mmm, sweetheart, you like to play so tough but inside, you’re just aching for it.” 

He grabs his dick and guides the tip along your folds. You shiver as he impales you, contorting to take as much as you can. You don’t care that he’s laughing, you don’t care that he’s won, you just need it to stop. 

He doesn’t thrust. He just lingers. You snarl and smack his head in frustration. He laughs again. Your eyes blaze up at him. 

“You know I love when you look at me like that.” 

“You’re the worst.” 

“I’m fucking am,” he ruts once then slides out so he’s barely inside you. “But you still fucking want me.” 

You push your chest out and he cups it, running his thumb over your nipple, then flicks it. You groan and latch onto his wrist. You move your hips and he tuts, sliding out completely. You pull his hand up to your mouth and bite his knuckle to keep a scream from erupting. 

He leans into you slowly, this time delving in inch-by-inch. You writhe and pinch him with your teeth. When he bottoms out, you spasm. You hook your legs around him to lock him in place.  

“Don’t worry, sweetheart, we got all day,” he growls as he pumps his hips, “all,” in, “fucking” out, “day.” 

[system-of-a-feather]

(more programming / TBMC / RAMCOA talk; nothing too heavy, same as last post, we just put it under the cut for ourselves cause these topics don't benefit most parts to engage with and thus we kept it off our own notifications)

But honestly, lately with how far into recovery we are and how much on and off fusing with XIV has stabilized me a lot more and made me a lot more clear with who I am and all that shit, I've largely been thinking a lot on the shit I've been through and all the parts I've been, cause at this point, I'm really trying to reconnect with my scattered subsystem parts.

Less so "scattered" and more so long lost because - for those that don't know / havent followed - like nine months or so ago an old version of myself that went by Data just kind of imploded under a lot of stress, pressure, trauma, and self destructive loops that were set off by the way we were healing and what not.

It was honestly really fucked up and a really unfair cause we were genuinely trying really hard to be "a good part" but programming and shit kept had us between "literally dying and at complete overload" or "doing shit that hurts ourselves and the system" and so we'd always just end up doing shit that caused problem and honestly, we had done everything we could to remove ourselves in that form from the picture in a healthy and failed multiple times - and so it was honestly kinda super fucked that when trying to stop existing, we instead shattered into like 4 or 5 parts

But in the end of it, I was a part that existed as a complete - for lack of better words - "burn out" and very extreme "turned off" response to the programs that were being regularly triggered prior to self implosion and it was a huge mess at first, but it ended up with me becoming the host of that subsystem and really? As much hell as it was, the implosion and generation of another subsystem really I think disconnected a lot of the experiences we had as Data and managed to shut down a number of parts to actually let me develop beyond just a "burnt out" state.

And in hindsight? It really worked because while I'm still Data, still part of that heavily and completely fucked programmed original part, I was "generated" in a state of literally being unable to deal with anything and as a part to cope with that and with space, really became a more developed part who is centered around the ability to cope and deal with what we were programmed to do and to.... NOT do that.

And now that I'm a lot more stable and full of a part, I honestly can go back and collect and look back at our experiences of how things have happened and how each part felt and worked and put things back together. At this point I hold almost everything Data originally did. I can look back and replay things and understand things and understand where everything came from, but I'm *not* Data - I'm Chunn (everyone in the brain says I should start spelling it Cheng or at least claim that as my secret Chinese name because its pronounced the same but I like the Chunn spelling so they can fuck off /hj)

And in that sense, the thing Data wanted so bad - to not be here and to not be in the way and to have anything but chronic stress and trauma responses and to just not cause problems for everyone in a desperate attempt to feel safe again - while it's not at all in the way he wanted or imagined it to be, he - we - got it. I don't resemble him much at all anymore, and that's sad in it's own way, but at the same time, is that not the very wish itself? To be ourselves but in a form we created and not in the form someone else created us for?

Anyways, these days it's kind of funny cause I basically serve a roll for the system that is the OPPOSITE of what we were programmed to do and while other parts are not as "impacted" as I was, I do end up sitting here and looking at the "less impacted" parts and go "Okay well that came from this shit I did and you don't notice it but that behavior of yours is intended to synergize (negatively) with what I was programmed to do so I'm going to tell you that I don't want to participate in that"

Cause as much as we were the overtly programmed part, I'm really realizing that it neither started nor ended with me and it really is oddly nice to be able to look at that and help in detangling this garbage.

And not to go into the details for safety reasons, but recently our therapist asked a question to Riku / Fei as to why we were doing XYZ and not another thing that would be more in character for them - and at the time they came up with some round about reason and explanation to which I had to ask, when they were thinking about it the next day, ".... is it not just because [feeling and condition that I know was an active major trigger]? Because you know you can state that and that is a perfectly valid and healthy thing to say. You are allowed to think that." and the genuine level of which they seemed to very hesitantly state it to themselves as if they were afraid to Set Something Off - it just really clicked something with me.

Cause that would have been me. That would have been me that would have been set off. That would have been me that would have changed that thought into a borderline / active crisis and/or mess that would be far more stress than just compliance to the programming. And in this moment, not only was I NOT being Set Off by it, but I was encouraging them to try it again despite many many many years of reinforced "if you do that you will regret it"

And it's really kind of nice to see. I can't think as original Data would, I barely can comprehend just how stuck that version of me was - they were so deeply intertwined in the programming its unfathomable even though it was me and I have the memories of it. Thus, I can't say "Data would be happy and proud to see where we've come", but I would like to think - even in the hell they were in - that theyd be comforted to know where we ended up.

But I digress. I felt like sharing this most of today cause man have we come far.

[cosmikazie]

HEYO! WELCOME TO THE COOLEST BLOG THIS SIDE OF THE

^adding onto this to say specifically exclusionists and TERFs fuck off and die and explode obviously, im filing you under bigots

^and also Z!ONISTS EXPLODE AND EXPLODE SOME MORE

okay so now that the DNI thing is done and out of the way

Hello! I'm Cosmi.

I am a fellow who likes the unique. The fun. The interesting. I am the most he/they/any in the world.*

Here you will find my little side of the internet full of things I find cool, funny, interesting, or things I make which are cool, funny or interesting. I am an ARTIST! An ANIMATOR! A MUSIC GUY! A GAMER! A GUY WHO YEELS AND SCREAMS ABOUT THINGS SOMETIMES!!!!

IMPORTANT FOR RW FOLLOWERS IF YOU SO DESIRE - my rw au sideblog is @rainedworldrascals

+ IMPORTANT FOR PEOPLE WHO LIKE MY ART - my art blog is @cosmikazie-arts

I will try to use these more often now, especially since as of writing this I literally just came up with these! We'll see how that goes.

I will ALSO do my best to tag for triggers and sensitive topics that come up. LMK if I didn't tag something that could be important and I'll do that.

I may make a few borderline NSFW jokes every now and then, so I'm warning you this blog is TV-14 to TV-MA. Viewer discretion is very much advised okay? Okay.

Also don't be horny at me on here I will kill you

Here are some things I like:

Rain World, Minecraft, Doctor Who, One Piece, The Entire Concept Of Outer Space And Everything In It, RTVS, Adventure Time, and MANY MORE I WILL GLADLY TALK ABOUT FROM TIME TO TIME

I also have OCs I talk about occasionally. You can ask me about those too perhaps.

THAT IS ALL! SEE YOU IN STREET FIGHTER 7 EVERYBODY!

*statement not backed by science or literally fucken anything

[bytedykes]

What is ORV actually about? I assumed that it was like... A modern psychological thriller with a bit of queerbait, but now I'm seeing your posts and reblogs tagged ORV that are all kinda surreal and fantasy type stuff, I feel like I saw the word isekai a couple times? So what is ORV actually?

ok i have been sitting on this ask for a few days bc i. have no idea where to even begin trying to explain what orv is about

here's a post by tumblr user ot3 that does a better job of explaining orv than i ever could. below the cut is MY attempt at an orv summary

"what is orv actually about?" this is a wonderful question. i don't know. i did nothing but read this novel for 2 weeks straight and i could not for the life of me tell you what orv is "about"

the thing about this book is that if you're reading it, it makes perfect sense. the events are linear. there is a bunch of mindfucky bullshit BUT it all happens in a relatively straightforward way. i understand orv perfectly. but at gunpoint, could i put the events in chronological order? no. pull the trigger

ok. orv is about a salaryman named kim dokja who has the most uninteresting boring life in the world. this is a lie. he does nothing but go to his job he's about to get fired from, eat convenience store kimbap, and read webnovels. he reads a specific webnovel (twsa) that has been updating daily for 13 years straight. he has been reading it since he was 15 through his entire adult life

twsa is about the apocalypse, starring protagonist yoo joonghyuk. the day kim dokja reads the last chapter and eagerly awaits the epilogue to be published the apocalypse happens. exactly like in the webnovel. now armed with a .txt file of twsa and his autism superpowers he navigates the apocalypse trying to reach his ideal ending

orv, for lack of better term, does not take itself very seriously at times. frequently, even. at least half of the major plot points are comprised of complete bullshit. every few chapters i had to put the book down and go "no fucking WAY is this actually happening" but it was! it was happening every time! its hysterical!

orv is also extremely meta. every time you think "ok it cannot possibly get more meta, this is it, this is the peak" ur wrong. u are wrong every single time until the very end of the epilogue. it can ALWAYS get more meta. orv is 100% the most meta thing i have read in my life

on top of all this, pretty much anything you can think of has happened in orv. "orv is a book about everything" while an exaggeration, this is true. it really fucking is. it has everything in it. you know that poem by shel silverstein, "everything on it"? that's what reading orv is like

it tackles many serious topics (such as: loneliness, the desperate desire to connect with other people combined with the inability to allow yourself to be loved, finding the things that push you to keep surviving) and many topics that are. not that (such as: "what if a dumpling had a face how would that work", "what if gay people were insane and not even friends", "what if a guy was so autistic his brain started eating people", "what if a monkey was actually 4 monkeys" and more such things. wouldnt that be fucked up)

orv definitely. yeah. surreal and fantasy type stuff is a very appropriate descriptor. a modern psychological thriller is... also appropriate i suppose. "a bit of queerbait" is NOT appropriate because orv is built on queerbait but not in the sense of it being baiting. in the sense of it being canon but unsaid. like its not canon. but it is. its canon and it is constant. there is an archangel that ships said queerbait she is a proud yaoi supporter. this is a real thing i am not making up

on top of that insane queerbait. there is insane polycule bait as well. like i need you to understand that while its not "canon" in the traditional sense of the word it IS real and it IS on screen and it IS as explicit as it could actually be without it actually being, you know, explicit. it literally makes me feel insane

ISEKAI. RIGHT. im not really familiar with isekai as a genre so take this paragraph with a grain of salt but orv is more of a reverse isekai? the fantasy world comes TO the "real" world. however there are in fact multiple isekais-within-the-isekai later on. multiple types of them even

anyway orv is also heavily based on the theme of stories and like. god i hope you've read ot3's post because im sure they explained it better. its a very theme-heavy piece of media where the rules of the world aren't based on logic but based on how they can further the themes. its very intricately constructed and like

it will blow your mind. god. i dont even know what im saying anymore. its good is my point it is so fucking good. orv changed me. it is a very hopeful piece of media and i am sure that rereading it will devastate me even harder than it did the first time

TLDR: orv is an insane long book about literally everything and at least half of those things are complete bullshit but are incredibly integral to the plot. somehow. it is very worth reading and will change ur life forever