#and it felt real in a strange way
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While I'm posting dreams, here's another one.
This was in many ways one of my strangest dreams due to the fact that it lingered far more than any dream usually does. The physical sensations of training in magic remained, even into that evening I could still feel the pull of magic and the feel of the staff as it either shot over my shoulder or thunked into my palm. In addition, the myth in the dream continued to narrate smoothly after I woke up, instead of halting abruptly and quickly fading.
After training, a myth was told.
A man wandered, lost and purposeless after the destruction of his home, before a god took pity on him and appointed him guardian of the gates to the afterlife. He could not be with his family, but he could ensure their afterlife. He did his job and welcomed in all who came to him.
Soon after he took on this role he saw a soul who looked particularly troubled. He asked them what weighed on their mind. The response shook the man and for the first time he turned a soul away. From this point forward he would weigh and judge each individual who came to his gate. Over time, his eyes grew impartial and dispassionate, able to see the truths at the very core of souls. Thus he became the Gatekeeper.
The Gatekeeper held his station until the end of all things. As this world ended and another began, one last soul stood before the Gatekeeper. The very same god who gave him purpose so many years ago now stood on the edge between life and death, the last speck of life leaving a dying world. He explained that after this final passing the Gatekeeper could at last rest and rejoin his family on the other side.
The Gatekeeper looked into his soul and saw pride, saw pain and weariness, joy and contentment. He saw sadness and guilt without regret.
He saw the deaths of his family from so very long ago.
The Gatekeeper was content with his role and knew the necessity of his post. The man the Gatekeeper once was felt the return of time-dulled bitterness and anger.
This immortal soul cannot be taken by oblivion. He must either pass through the gate or continue his life here, but the Gatekeeper cannot leave until the last soul has left.
The being that was neither god nor mortal looked upon the god who created him and spoke his judgement.
#I loved this dream#it felt like so much more than me#and it felt real in a strange way#and I don't think I've ever had a dream continue to it's conclusion after I woke up#And the conclusion kind of had two endings#one ending would have been a soft and bittersweet yet long-awaited ending#about forgiveness or condemnation with nothing at stake#the other ending was more like what I put above#with the immortal soul#it makes it a story about whether vengeance and retribution is worth giving up your own happiness#the story is so much about his choice to the point where I couldn't make it for him#but it also isn't about that at all#It’s about the gods who create and judge us and how we eventually come to judge them#and either way I didn't get to hear his answer#his answer is between him and his god#dreams#my post#mythology#well#it felt like mythology anyway
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Do y'all ever get nightmares that just like, aren't scary?
Like you can tell your brain is trying to make this scary, but you just feel nothing?
#Had a dream about a bunch of ''scary'' animatronic robots trying to take over some shitty little town#I've never really been afraid of big scary uncannny valley robots though so it just kinda fell flat#maybe uncanny valley is the wrong term it felt very similar to Lies of P in aesthetic#was kinda weird though since for some reason instead of being afraid there was a little voice in my head that was just like#''This element of the story is problematic actually''#and was just nitpicking the whole ''nightmare?''#saying shit like ''[minor villain who's name I forgot]'s aesthetic is clearly based off of [real-world oppressed group]''#''So casting her in the role of a villain like this especially against a predominately White cast leaves a bad taste in my mouth''#or ''Interesting how the squeaky clean protagonist squad seems so completely devoid of fat people 🙄''#like brain what are we doing here?#nobody fucking WROTE this dude#you're literally just making shit up to get mad at#what the hell man#just a very strange experience the whole way down#Pun talks Dreams#Pun's text Posts
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Oh no I missed coffee night!!!!
I wanted to ask you about Hitchcock 😔 If you're willing to answer, which movies of his do you think are overrated and which do you think are actually good? He's my most watched director (because film school) but I only genuinely like a few of his films and always disagreed with my classmates about which ones were the best
I feel like I'm holding up a Daffy Duck style sign that says "shoot me" because Hitchcock is so well thought of by cinephiles versus me, the basic horny mod who watches movies with hot people in them. With that said, I remember Rope, Dial M for Murder, North by Northwest, and To Catch a Thief all left me a bit flat, because I felt like he was prioritizing pushing technical limits or creating extravagant images over deeper characters and relationships. I love a good technical limit-pushing, but it needs to serve the story! And sometimes I feel like he has an idea he wants to try or an image he wants to show and puts so much focus on developing it that characters' reality and interest kind of falls by the wayside—they become pawns navigating his situations, instead of interesting characters in their own right.
To be fair, this is more a characteristic of his later work than his early work—The Lady Vanishes is one of my favorite movies, and I remember Notorious and Spellbound both being enjoyable when I watched them a few years ago. Again, basic film watcher here. Don't show this post to the Criterion collection.
#putting down the shoot me sign and backing away v fast#i just want to be clear i do NOT have cinephile movie taste. i like crowd pleasers and musicals and very silly movies.#i would be shot out of a film school in a cartoon cannon the minute they mentioned the word ~images~#with that said i am right and i should say it :) he is not that good of a director when it comes to storytelling :)#rope should be SO GOOD and....it is not. technically interesting. but not good!#posts that will get me murdered fr#asks#edit for more thoughts in the tags because this grinds my gears. lady vanishes works for me because there's lots of spookiness and a few#“wow!” pushing the limit things for film nerds. (the train noise is continuous & that was a big thing at the time)#but the train noise being continuous is SMART because it adds to the rising tension and sense of containment. essential to the story!#whereas rope does a similar trick (continuous looking shot) but it doesn't tie into the story in any way.#does it matter that we never look away from the living room with the corpse? does it mean something this happens in real-ish time?#you can make an argument it does textually but emotionally i never felt like rope's 1 shot was tying into *this* specific story.#like i thought it was called rope because the literal rope emotionally ties into the metaphorical rope of a neverending shot! but no#the tension never builds for me in rope and i think it's because not enough focus was spent on its characters or making sure the shot#echoed & or developed a point being made onscreen. you could make rope w/conventional cuts and edits and i dont think you would#emotionally end up with a significantly different movie. (it doesnt help that there are obvious seams in the shot at random places.)#all in all sometimes it feels like hitch is making a movie for people who understand what trick he's showing off#versus a movie for basic bitches like me who just want to hang out with some hot strange people for two hours#anyway. i feel like i have lost all my cred in one post. oh well. sorry hitch. lady vanishes is still great
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the mh comics open up such an interesting narrative for our few surviving characters. to them, what happened in the videos was real, but to everyone else its a cool creative web series. when all of that is viewed as fiction, fans have a freedom to speculate about and invade the lives and privacy of real people. and that would be so uncomfortable and terrifying. imagine someone irl having headcanons about YOU. writing fan fiction about you and your real friends. assuming things about you PUBLICLY ! IN MASS!
wouldnt it be so cool to see a character grapple with that in like a self-reflective way? fans asking questions the muse is too afraid to ask themselves. of course, theyre the only person the answer matters to.
#like wouldnt it be so strange not only to see the terrible things that happened to u have a FANBASE#but also people wondering about the intricacies of your personal life (they view you as a character and have no idea it was real)#and youre disgusted and afraid of prying eyes#but at the same time#you never think about yourself much anyways (too painful) and realize you might HAVE TO if ur gonna be okay with what happened#spoilers um this is about. jam.#tim never took the time to deconstruct how he felt in the moment because he was trying not to die#even if he concludes he harbored some feelings (like people online suspect) what would he even do with that?#he can never go back and change it. but he can say it to himself. its something for him that nobody else NEEDS to know#but now he can understand himself a little better n form new connections#its like a culmination of my hatred for some fans NEED for things to be canon when its much more fun to leave stuff open-ended#and also my love for media adressing this in a way that actually says something abt the way we consume it#yall seen the craig and tweek episode of south park? yeah.
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i'm probably a system but i have a job so idrc about that rn
#spent a bit of time reflecting on my shitty past and i realized that a set of behaviors i had as a kid#line up really really fucking well with did symptoms#i used to talk a lot to myself as a kid but it felt like an. actual conversation between myself? instead of just#talking to nothing and imagining a response#no dude i actually felt two sides of my brains spin their gears different ways to form different points of view and ideas#I CAN STILL DO THAT.#another thing that makes me think that was how whenever i went into fight or flight i always. acted a certain way.#i always didn't care about being punished or grounded. however the main me was like. really fucking scared and i'm still traumatized by it#it's some real weird shit i'm telling y'all#and dating a system kind of made me realize all of this as well#shoutout to my girlfriend she's so cool dawg#but anyways- i always felt a strange kinship and immediate understanding to did systems .#like . i heard that people usually have a hard time grasping the concept but to me#“oh hey! other people have that split mind thing i got but to the extreme! that's pretty neat!”#anyways sorry for the yap sesh but something else i wanna say is#dude holy FUCK how did you fuck up parenting that bad that you accidentally get a second son- daughter.#if i ever write an autobiography my parents are hearing so much shit from me istg#i love them but also. WOW. WWOOOOWWWWW#anyways rant on the tags over uhhh goon bye gang ! 😁😁😁😁
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I woke up crying because I knew the boops would be gone when I awoke 😭
Actually it’s because I had a dream where my twin sister (who I hated) had died years ago, then I became a dancer with one of those celebrity lookalike/impersonator people, but she was pretending to be my sister instead of a celebrity and I wished my real twin sister was there to dance with me because I got along with the impersonator and would have loved to get along with my real twin sister as well.
I do not have a twin sister. I also hate dancing. It was a weird dream.
#I don’t remember most of the rest of the dream but I do remeber being forced to wear a pink cape by a lesbian couple#I refused to wear it because my bike was blue and they would look stupid together#but they insisted#also the bike people kept refusing to sell the bike to me for strange reasons#like one of the reasons was if I had painful periods i couldn’t ride that particular bike and needed a differnt one#but I was like ‘I can bear the pain anyway’ and fist bumped one of the lesbians on my way to grab the bike#everyone clapped#because I was so big and brave about potentially riding a bike with period cramps eventually#I think i alsp saw the inconceivable vastness of human life and the possibilities available to us#every choice I made altered my path in a visible way and I could see everything I was and everything I could have been and will be#it was ugly and crude#it felt hopeless and never ending#because it was#but I accepted it because it was impossible to unchoose a path once it was chosen and my only options were to accept or let it consume me#I could not choose if I wanted to participate or not#the only real choice I had was to give in or to choose my own path#and I decided to let lesbians buy me a bike and force me to wear a clashing cape#what does this mean about my psyche#dreams#my rambles
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2023 reads
The Deep Sky
scifi mystery thriller
on a deep space mission traveling from an environmentally devastated earth with hope to restart humanity elsewhere
when they’re halfway, an explosion kills 3 crew and pushes them off course
the only witness is the Alternate who has no specific role, and she has to figure out who caused it & if they might continue to sabotage, while they're figuring out a way to get back on course with limited resources
flips between present and the past: of her childhood and training for the mission, her identity struggles, and relationship with her mother
questions the ethics of ‘restarting��� humanity elsewhere vs putting resources into fixing earth
#the deep sky#yume kitasei#aroaessidhe 2023 reads#i really loved this!!!!!#very intense but also a lot of interesting character introspection#love the virtual reality AI aspect!!!! though I do feel like. in the end I was expecting it to go way further with it?#(basically like instead of seeing the inside of the ship all the time they can 'be' in forests or aquariums or whatever)#no romance#(there’s side lesbians; and one flashback scene where she briefly wonders about kissing a random person; that's it)#emotional core about her mother and brother and best friend !!#i like that it gets into the flaws of 'humanity's last hope on another planet' bc like. yeah in real life things....don't work like that...#why is there zero acknowledgement that the concept of every one of them being expected to give birth being extremely fucked up?#like obviously everyone on board is there because they agreed with that but there’s not a single flashback of#when they found out that information; or mention of someone questioning it...#(for example a character mentions that they hid their mental health/use of a therapy animal bc they wouldn't have been let in and the -#eugenics around that is iffy to say the least)#but to me. pregnancy is horrifying and nobody questioning that was weird.#also there’s supposedly 80 people on board but we get to know less than 10 of them which felt a bit strange at points#Also! I love the cover. I can’t find the designer (the book info only credits the internal lllustrator..)#also: bird facts!
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I love that part whenever I am reaching a point of inner life that was inspired by a piece of media where I no longer feel the need to talk about it in conventional forms, which never really happens for me anyway since I seem to be one of the few that is naturally nuanced, and instead begin to go inside of an incredibly deeply spiritual maladaptive inner life, which can expand for years if not the rest of my life like a personal fantasy that only I can see that is probably more human than 90% of people's experiences.
#bojack has carried me More than any fictional character ever has in my life#we've been together for around I think almost 4 years straight now#I'm pretty sure it was in 2021 when I had my episodes when I consumed it for the first time and felt that certain kind of surreal multivers#feeling#so yes 4 years now#my real life has been absolutely terrible in ways that are meant comprehension but meeting bojack was the one thing that is truly magic and#beyond this world#it might sound pathetic and strange to other people for a cartoon character to feel like a profound gift from God#but we all think differently#the sweep of love that I just felt even just a couple of hours ago and then composed an incredible song within an hour#Love is all that you need
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The problem is. When I go, "Oh, this system is bullshit" and try to live outside it. My choices are still defined by that system. And that makes me feel really weird.
#I love being a woman so much but jfc am I having strange feelings about what that means in a societal sense lately#and like. obviously the most important thing is to unapologetically be my authentic self. which I try to do every day.#but sometimes it's VERY hard to tell what my authentic self is versus what I'm rebelling against versus what society tells me I am#and it would be GREAT if I could find OTHER PEOPLE who felt like this but that would require me airing out all my baggage and#no one wants that.#(okay. like. tame example. I think it's absolute bullshit that women are expected to shave. and for the most part I don't. and I don't care#whether other people do or not. but I HATE the way that armpit hair feels on my body. so I do usually shave that. I would shave that even i#there was no cultural expectation for women to shave at all. but I feel like a bad person for complying with this cultural standard even if#the reasons for it have nothing to do with gaining general acceptance or appealing to some Standard of Femininity.)#(and it's not that me making this choice is like. Inherently Feminist™ it's not. but it feels ANTI-feminist. and then if you map this to#a bunch of other more serious shit..............)#it's rough out here!#(and then there's the fact that I'm CONSTANTLY bombarded with '''''takes''''' claiming that women don't actually suffer under the patriarch#and that misogyny isn't real. but the t/rfs keep trying to have a monopoly on THAT conversation and I do NOT want to be associated#with them because THEY ARE ALSO WRONG. AND THEY DON'T ACTUALLY SUPPORT THE LIBERATION OF WOMEN LMAO)#(so then it's just like wow! I really do feel incredibly alone! nothing resonates with me at all!)#In the Vents
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Fellow sufferers does feeling insane guilt when u buy little trinkets or treats ever go away
#talkys#i have dollars saved so i was in no way breaking the bank today when i bought me and my sister pochacco scrunchies at the mall#+ some brownies someone was selling at the shops + the slime#but i came home and i felt sick. it feels so strange and like red hot embarrassment.#i wld hope it wld go away if i got a Real Job but maybe itd feel worse idk#all i know is it sucks❗❗#i have huge guilt rn. but its all i ever feel in general so idk
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I really am so sad I don't like isat. The themeing was very good
#isat critical#like the ''we must be prepared for the destruction change will bring'' shit came back so hard at the end#specifically with loop context/destroying themself to become a star. to become loop#and the fact that when siffrin deviated from the script. finally changed the way he performed his play (act 5)#that's when it broke#and he had to ''destroy'' his friends to do it. In a way. When all he knew how to do was fight/snapped#and it's like. of COURSE loop is how siffrin was able to escape. Because escaping the loop meant siffrin had to save/love themself#value their own life and not just their friend's#to realize that they couldn't do it on their own. that they needed their friends to help them out of it. they needed support#that being loved was more than saying the right thing or doing the right quest#isat is so strong structurally/thematically/plot-wise and I personally despise it comedically/character/dialogue writing-wise#and the whole game is dialogue. like isat is the most conflicting experience I've had in a while#Where I hate actually reading the dialogue and I don't like the character writing but I love thinking about it's themes. like hello#that sucks i'd rather have it just be one or the other#*aaravos voice* you must live life in the grey#Like the king and siffrin foil is my beloved. And I absolutely adore how the King's story was ended.#But I dislike siffrin as a character and I also hate most of the game's execution#like every emotional beat is made anticlimactic by the lack of subtext and the constant repetition#(literally laughed out loud at ''my house my country my HOME!'' like we said the same thing 3 times babe. the whole game is like this)#isat has a huge case of ''we wanted conflict but didn't give characters any real flaws to be able to do it''#idk. Everyone repeated over and over that they don't touch siffrin because he's uncomfortable with it. Over and over.#And yet he's still like. ''It's because Isa finds you disgusting'' Huh. Idk if we did the work for Siffrin to come to that conclusion#Like literally Isa never does anything to even imply that. All he's ever done is sing Sif's praises. makes me feel crazy#Like ''oh he views everyone else as just a character!! a pawn!'' except no he doesn't. he barely did in act 5#and even in act 5 he's horrified at how he treated odile. like. we did not commit to that. I got sad lukewarm flowey#Do not even get me started on odile's ''I think it's so cute you trapped yourself in time and went crazy because you love us''. Girl#Like no we can. We can commit. Siffrin did bad things and going crazy was bad. Odile wasn't wrong to be upset.#Like why not 'That was terrible of you to say. But I won't leave you—you still love people who make mistakes- because what else is there?'#like we got so close with the worst loop being the permanent loop. Siffrin is still loved no matter what. But idk. Felt brushed off#oh isat...you strange being...
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have you watched succession hbo?
of course. the tudors (showtime) ran so that succession (hbo) could walk
#anon#i said what i said.#funnily enough way back when i gave the pilot a try and couldn’t get into it past the first five mins#but my friend recommended it to me by putting it like this: since you have a strange sympathy for someone as fucked up as hviii#you will probably grow to love Kendall Roy#and sure enough …#my fav line : ‘you got me park coke?’#hilarious on so many levels#i have a bit of pretentious snobbery wrt it bcu i got really into it as s1 was rolling out ; before the show really got tumblr / twitter#famous …? discourse bait-y…?#sort of like i do with fleabag#bcus I really loved s1 back when the show was more niche and it just felt like everyone jumped on the bandwagon for s2#anyyyways …#the potential for a tudor au realness#henry blasting karma by mod sun to cover up the sound of him#sniveling facedown into the leather interior of the backseat of a town car#bcus Anne just dumped his ass dbsbsbsvsv#down bad crying at the gym—
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I'm saying this very quietly, on a Sunday night when nobody is likely to be online: my fractal gallery is live again. Nothing in it is more recent than 2012, because that's the last time I did any kind of an update. Theoretically, I'll be adding things to it at some point. But for now, the old stuff is there.
#fractals#polychroma dot com#in some strange way it makes me feel like I actually exist#which lately I haven't felt like#somehow I am less real than my website
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ouhhh i'm turning into my grandmother [chewing on wriggley's gum]
#just me hi#the wrigglerrrr#love the word wriggle btw. prolly cuz the W is there but ya can't hear or feel it hbhgbsh#it's like between wiggle and writhe and it's Perfect hfsh :3#//AAAnywho. yea#she's always got at least one in her purse and the wrapper is fully intact. i still don't trust it lmhvfjs#idk what that woman is putting in her bag !! she is a real enigma lol <3#/anywho like i mentioned a bit ago i've been keeping gum so i stop chewing on other things lol#this is working pretty well ! ! i've gotta remember to bring some on car rides though bc That's where i fail to catch it hghfsk#//aaaand in the other news;#watched the deadp0ol movies. dear lird hgkfjskvjg#very fun fact; when i watch stuff i like going in nearly 100% blind. i am also oriented aroace so HKSKVJ#i Did scour pirating sites until i found ones that let me watch the 3 movies lmaoo ; it took like 2 hours i think. crazy hghfs#anyway i think the first two were just a lot more fun; the energy was great !! disney kinda tuned it down for the current movie :/#iyunno. the second movie gave a lot more than the third. and also who are all these people. what's a multiverse lmvajfhvjs#the movie felt like it was on the edge of an inside joke. don't think i liked it very much compared to the other two but oh well#oh i also didn't like the time-reversal. dude what was gained gfhshv - 3rd movie doesn't even exist to me anymore. dead to me <//3#/oh i've also been watching seinfield when i eat lol :3#i was watching dungeon meshi while doing that and it was very relaxing so in the meantime!!#it's fun i like it lol :33 it's just mostly friendly but when i do think it's funny i am dying hfhvsbgh#i like kramer he is strange pfsvh#//and i think i'm gonna write rnnnn ? maaaybe!!#i have a bit of business to attend to tho [straightens my tie that just appeared] so prolly in a bit lol :)#toodles!! send me on my way !! [gets slingshot as the song plays]
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randomly hit with just how. strange. it really is that general discussion of fictional characters treats them as like... people, who's actions have consequences in the real world or who's writers put them through real situations
#i watched a video once from a very young creator (bless her)#and i could tell from the way she talked about her characters that this shift has happened. and im not sure why?#she described giving one character a dark backstory as 'giving them trauma'#specifically the word trauma. and i could infer from her phrasing and parlance that this type of language is likely common#and i saw someone send an ask to a blog about a comic book character today... asking the user if they felt the writers of said book#were putting the character through too many traumatic situations#without any real concern for like.... how that contributes to the story. bc at the end of the day characters are vehicle for plot#even in a 'character driven' story. hell ESPECIALLY so#the reverse of this of course is people who like... categorically hate villains or cannot conceive of a protagonist doing bad things#it's just strange. and i have to wonder when how and why this happened#im not saying someone should have to have a degree in literature to provide analysis or write stories heaven forbid#but understanding that characters are tools in a story is like. basic stuff. VERY basic stuff#this is less a complaint and more a.... a lament i suppose#jonnie's thoughts
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vent post pt. 2, the dreaded sequel
#Seven’s Public Diary#vent#vent post#cw vent#cw vent post#okay the ‘never ever wanted to die’ part isn’t exactly true. i just don’t count how i felt from the ages of 12-15 or so#because that was a very strange time where i’m honestly not sure how much of what i felt was even real or honest#and how much of it was really just a kid needing help and expressing it very poorly#but from 15/16 onward or whatever exact age i was when i had my whole ‘oh holy fuck i really really don’t want to die’ crisis/awakening#from then i’ve always been vehemently on the side of life and wanting to live as long as i possibly can#which is interesting because things have done nothing but get exponentially worse and more difficult for me ever since#but smthn shifted in me when i realized Oh Fuck I Actually Want To Live and that desire has yet to be defeated#but anyways enough bragging about how much i don’t want to die lmao#it really does feel like bragging since it’s obvious to me that so many other people don’t feel that way#and i hate that. i wish no one ever had to deal with feeling that bad and death being the only thing their mind jumps to as a solution#sigh. anyways
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