#my real life has been absolutely terrible in ways that are meant comprehension but meeting bojack was the one thing that is truly magic and

[skinnypaleangryperson]

I love that part whenever I am reaching a point of inner life that was inspired by a piece of media where I no longer feel the need to talk about it in conventional forms, which never really happens for me anyway since I seem to be one of the few that is naturally nuanced, and instead begin to go inside of an incredibly deeply spiritual maladaptive inner life, which can expand for years if not the rest of my life like a personal fantasy that only I can see that is probably more human than 90% of people's experiences.

[lenskij]

The StoryGraph's Translation Challenge 2021 - a reflection

Today I just finished this 10 prompt reading challenge! I had so much fun doing it, especially since I’ve for years wanted to expand my reading beyond the same old and familiar I’ve been reading until now, but I didn’t come around to actually do it until I came across The StoryGraph's Translation Challenge 2021.

The rules are: pick a book for each prompt that has been translated from a language that isn’t English. For myself, I added another rule - it can’t be translated from any language I speak, either. I also wanted to find an individual book for each prompt - if there was a book that would fit in two prompts, I counted it for only one of them and chose another for the other.

I wanted to share my little translation journey with everyone here, hence this post. The prompts, what book I chose for each, and my thoughts on them are below the cut!

Also: I’m always on the lookout for non-English books! Bonus points if they’re from outside of Europe ^w^ Hit me up with your recommendations!

1. A translated fantasy or sci-fi novel

Stanisław Lem: Солярис (Solaris) Translated from Polish to Russian by Д. Брускин

This book has been living on my sister’s bookshelf for years, and while I was visiting her I read it. It didn’t impress me in any way, it felt like any regular old sci-fi, although a bit creepy (and just a lil dash of sexism).

2. A book written by a Black woman in translation

Marie NDiaye: La Cheffe (La Cheffe) Translated from French to Swedish by Maria Björkman

This is a lovely novel, even if it focused on French food - and the detailed descriptions reminded me that French food is overrated. I loved the character la Cheffe, it was highly enjoyable to read about her relationship to people and her profession, and the narrator had sweet heart eyes that shined through the text.

3. A translated book originally published before 1950

Choderlos de Laclos: Farliga förbindelser (Les Liaisons dangereuses) Translated from French to Swedish by Arvid Enckell.

This prompt was the easiest to fulfill, and I had several choices for it. I've spoken about this book elsewhere on this here blog - it's morbidly fascinating to read about terrible, terrible people.

4. A translated non-fiction book

Romaric Godin: Klasskriget i Frankrike (La guerre sociale en France) Translated from French to Swedish by Johan Wollin

For this prompt, I went to a local bookstore and asked the seller for help. She had to dig around for a while before she found something that wasn't originally written in English - like she pointed out, most academics choose to write in English, even if they're not native speakers.

I picked this one because I've seen snapshots of the yellow wests in the news, but I know barely any of the context. Although the book is short, it's a pretty detailed overview of recent French economic history, with an emphasis on explaining why and how French neo-liberalism ended up looking like it is today (and why French neo-liberalism is different from the neo-liberalism in the rest od Europe). This tickled my inner economics nerd.

5. A translated novel 500 pages or longer

Isabel Allende: Andarnas hus (La Casa de los Espíritus) Translated from Spanish to Swedish by Lena Anér Melin

Another book that has been sitting on my sister's shelf! I absolutely loved it - a family saga, in a time of social change. Look, my favourite part about any book is when the characters feel like humans, even if they're not relatable, I can still understand them.

6. A book translated from Swedish, Danish, Norwegian, Finnish or Icelandic

Vigdis Hjorth: Arv och miljö (Arv og miljø) Translated from Norwegian to Swedish by Ninni Holmqvist

In my case, it meant a book translated from either Danish, Norwegian or Icelandic (I do have to pepper in the fact that I'm a polyglot, after all). It's my sister who recommended it to me, and she was right when she said this was good! I loved the three separate timelines, the prose, and the family drama.

7. A translated book by a South American author

María Sonia Cristoff: Håll mig utanför (Inclúyanme afuera) Mariana Enríquez: Det vi förlorade i elden (Las cosas que perdimos en el fuego)Translated from Spanish to Swedish by Hanna Axén

What? Two books?? Yes, when I searched the library catalogue it spit out these two - because they have the same translator - and since they both seemed interesting I checked both of them out.

Unfortunately, these are the two books of this challenge that I liked the least. The first one didn't have a premise that worked with me - the main character chose to listen more than she spoke for a year as an experiment, and as an introvert, to whom this is how I've always lived my life, it was hard for me to understand what the big deal was.

The second was just my personal taste - these short stories had bloody ghosts, and ended abruptly without quite resolving the story - that creepiness just doesn't vibe with me.

8. A translated book by a Chinese author

Eileen Chang: Ett halvt liv av kärlek (Banshengyuan) Translated from Chinese to Swedish by Anna Gustafsson Chen

After quite a slow start I suddenly was drawn into this book. It's such a lovely read on when life doesn't always work out the way you want, and you still do your best to be happy. It felt very real, without being a 'happily ever after', or it's opposite of endless tears - that sweet middle ground spot.

9. A book translated from Arabic

Rajaa Alsanea: Flickorna från Riyadh (Banāt al-Riyāḍ) Translated from Arabic to Swedish by Tetz Rooke

I found this when messing around with the "similar books"-algorithm on Storygraph (I've just finished Unmarriageable, and liked it a so much I wanted to find something similar). When this one popped out I noticed the Arabic author name, and checked it out from the library. I've actually never read any book set in the Middle East, and I loved seeing a glimpse of life there (naturally, this isn't a comprehensive illustration - the main characters were all from well-off families). The most interesting thing was how the characters adjusted their behaviour as they travelled between Europe and Saudi Arabia - the social rules are different depending on where you are (and if you meet a fellow Saudi in London, your day is ruined - because suddenly you have to behave in accordance to Saudi rules).

10. A book translated from a language spoken in India

Vivek Shanbhag: Ghachar ghochar (Ghāchar ghōchar) Translated from Kannada to English by Srinath Perur; translated to Swedish by Peter Samuelsson

At first I was cranky about that this is a translation of a translation - but in the acknowledgements I read that it was the author's request that the book is to be translated from English. I assume it's because the English translator already has made the inevitable tradeoffs between language and form, which the author approved, and so the Swedish translator wouldn't have to make the decisions all over again.

This was a short book, just over a hundred pages. It barely had any plot, but it didn't need any - the description of the family members' relationship to each other was juicy enough.

In conclusion

This challenge was a great opportunity for me to also try genres I never would have tried otherwise - I was limited to what my library had, and especially for the smaller languages, it's a limited choice. I've been talking about this translation challenge to everyone I know because I've had so much fun! And the best part is - it's only ten prompts. That means I wouldn't need to scram to finish it in time, even while also reading the regular same old books I do still want to read. While I'm waiting for the 2022 challenge, I'll be doing another round for these prompts - I've already checked out a short story collection originally written in Tamil, and a nonfiction about Syrian resistance originally written in Arabic :)

[thiswaycomessomethingwicked]

Downey and Vetinari for: Starlings in Winter: I want to think again of dangerous and noble things :'D

Ah! Thank you! Here we go. 

For what it’s worth, takes place within Thus, Always timeline. But you know, there’s no need to be familiar with it at all. Very much a standalone. 

(Mary Oliver Prompt Ask)

(this is also up on AO3)

* * *

‘It’s terribly dull,’ Downey declares. He sits then he’s up then he’s sitting again then he’s walking around the room in circles then he’s standing by the hearth perfectly still then he’s looking out a window then he’s petting Mr. Fusspot and Alsace - and so on. 

‘Please stop,’ Vetinari asks. ‘You’re making the dogs nervous.’ 

The dogs are not nervous. 

But Downey does stop. He sits, drinks a small glass of sherry then pours himself another. He is in a state of mild undress - shirtsleeves rolled up, neck-cloth loose, hair disheveled. 

Grief, as Vetinari understands, has an emptying effect. It pours everything out then keeps pouring. You’re dousing the fire of life with water from an empty vessel. 

Sometimes, it leaves you gasping. Other times, it leaves you as a pendulum swinging between tender and numb, full and empty of thoughts and self. 

Vetinari isn’t entirely sure how to best approach this situation. He wishes Madam were present to advise. She’s walked enough people through death to have insight into what is needed and what isn’t. 

What he does know: Provide no advice. 

(Downey said this on arrival: I don’t want you to fix things. No fixing things. Vetinari replied: I don’t fix things, Downey. And Downey said: You proffer advice because you find it easier to try and fix than to let things mend themselves while you watch and do nothing. Vetinari thought this unfair, Downey pointed at him: Not the time.) 

Listen. Try and offer comfort. But words are awkward and he doesn’t know how to put them in the right order. Especially in this case for the usual phrases do not apply. He is not sorry for Downey’s loss. He doesn’t think Downey is very sorry either. 

‘I didn’t think the old man would actually die. I assumed he wouldn’t find the afterlife up to his standards. Gods know, nothing was ever up to his standards.’ 

‘I suspect he didn’t have a choice in the matter.’ 

Downey’s humourless smile. ‘It is surprising, what my father viewed as within his purview. I believe he thought he had a say in his own death.’ 

Vetinari repeats what he has said already, ‘I believe it is expected, in these circumstances, to not be fine.’ 

But Downey is fine. Downey has informed Vetinari of this already. Downey is a bottle of wine and two sherries fine. He is pouring water from an empty cup fine. He is pack of cigarettes from a corner news stand fine. He is making jokes about the dead fine. 

Downey has generally been a predictable person. Until he isn’t. But those occasions are rare, spontaneous, and usually comprehensible in hind-sight. Vetinari appreciates that Downey is regular in his habits. He reacts as one would expect. He is stalwart and, usually, simple in his wants and needs. 

And, he’s seen Downey grieve in the past. He knows Downey visits Ludo twice a year to leave a new stone on grave top. Give everything a little tidy. Talk to him. Provide updates on guild gossip and pass on Vetinari’s general well-wishes to the memory of Ludo. 

(‘Downey, I’m not sure I have anything to say to Ludo. He is dead.’ ‘I’ll tell him you send your love and say hello, shall I?’ ‘If that will best please you.’) 

Ludo has no ghost. He doesn’t haunt Downey. Downey, in his classically stubborn and perverse fashion, haunts Ludo. 

Vetinari watches Downey pour himself another glass of sherry, considers his plans for the evening then holds out his for a top-up. 

‘It’s on Wednesday though I’ve yet to decide if I’m to attend.’ 

‘The funeral?’ Vetinari asks. 

‘Yes. I know it’s two days after he died and so not strictly to form. That would annoy my father which is a fact I take some small pleasure in.’ 

‘And who is sitting with him until then?’ 

‘My mother and Magda. I believe a few family friends have offered. The coffin arrived today. My father is one for tradition so it’s unbelievably plain.’ 

Vetinari watches Downey who alternates between sitting back and leaning forward, resting elbows on knees. Downey continues, ‘Magda says our mother intends to do the full seven days of mourning though it’s rather old fashioned. I informed her that four is common. Indeed, three days is not unheard of.’ 

‘Will you sit with her for any of it?’ Vetinari suspects he will, if only because it is the proper thing to do. He notes the grimace at the suggestion.

‘For the first day or two, perhaps. I’m still working, for Guild matters do not rest and I’m certain the one upstairs understands. Though, I have received a good many rude looks from my mother’s friends when they discovered this. That said, quite a few of them didn’t know I existed until he died. Or, rather, that Lord Downey and Amos Downey were related.’ 

Vetinari hates that Downey does this. Drops these lead-brick statements then carries on as if they mean nothing. Oh yes, my father has spent the last thirty years telling everyone he has no son, or his son is dead, or some iteration of the above. That is entirely normal and hardly worth a comment. 

Deciding it needs to be said, Vetinari puts this out into the night air: ‘It may not be my place to comment, but I don’t think your father is necessarily worth the effort of a full mourning period, let alone rending of clothes, thrice-daily prayers, forgoing the purchase of new clothes and so on.’  

Downey smiles, a full and real one. Face softens, there is something like affection on it. ‘It’s not that simple.’ 

‘I fail to how.’

‘I appreciate the sentiment though. You and Ludo may unite in your everlasting dislike of him.’ 

Vetinari owns that perhaps he is being unkind. ‘I have not had the experience of being disowned at twenty-one and then my existence denied by my parents for the next thirty years.’ 

‘He tried his best,’ Downey shrugs. ‘He wasn’t made of the stuff for fatherhood.’ 

Vetinari stares at him. Downey stares back. Vetinari wonders how, exactly, he can say this in a way that Downey will hear and understand. Indeed, how does one tell their - he falters on the word, bypasses the descriptor - that their grief over a person, no matter how deep or shallow, complex or simple, is not deserved? That the person is not worthy of the effort? 

The fire makes fire noises, crackles and hums, a log breaks so a few sparks skitter out onto stone and fade into charred remains of tree.

But, perhaps Downey is right, and it isn’t that simple. He has relatively little lived experience in this department to base his analysis on. 

As Downey is making thorough work of the sherry, and acquiring the blur-eyed expression he wears when drunk, Vetinari decides to forgo that particular conversation.

‘Mostly, it’s boring,’ Downey says suddenly. Without prompting he fills up Vetinari’s glass. ‘I am going to be a bad influence tonight.’ 

Vetinari looks at the glass and thinks about tomorrow’s council meeting which, currently, is scheduled for half-nine in the morning. He assumes Downey will develop a sudden and convenient cold between now and then. 

‘Pray tell, what is boring?’ 

A gesture that is meant to convey: all that. ‘Grief. It’s terribly dull. Such a pedestrian emotion, when all is said and done.’ 

‘Did you just describe grief as pedestrian?’ Vetinari adds that sentence to his growing collection of Moments of Surprise with William A. Downey, Assassin. 

‘Yes,’ Downey points at him. ‘It t’is. There was a poem one of my mistakes sent to me years ago.’ He taps his lip then sits back and takes a few sips of sherry. ‘It was about birds. The poem. Starlings. Have you seen a starling up close? They’re remarkably beautiful birds. Iridescent plumage, glossy, glamorous,’ he waves on and on. 

‘I see.’ Vetinari says, not seeing. He mimics Downey in making short work of the sherry. 

‘The poem, the line, something something I am now thinking of grief, and of getting past it; something something - many variations of green and purple words - then, I want to think again of dangerous and noble things. See, that is part of why it’s rather uninteresting. Grief makes it so you cannot ponder dangerous and noble things. Which, coincidentally, are golden colours which are my favourite colours.’ 

Vetinari blinks through this. One day, he makes a mental note, he will ask about colours.

‘If it gives you any comfort,’ Vetinari says. ‘You are, technically speaking, a dangerous and noble thing.’ 

Downey smiles. ‘I am, that is correct. Thank you.’ Abruptly, he becomes somber. Face falling into itself, part shadowed, part illuminated in dancing firelight. 

Vetinari thinks that either they should finish the sherry or Downey should be distracted or both. He decides it should be both and, leaning forward, plucks up the decanter from where it rests by Downey’s feet. He pours himself a glass then Downey. There is, perhaps, one left. The contents are swirled, catching in firelight. 

‘You know,’ Downey says, slouching down in his chair, legs extended out towards fire and crossed at the ankles. ‘I am beginning to suspect that I’m not fine.’ 

Eyebrows lift, only now? He’s only now suspecting this? Gods preserve this man from himself. Changing his plans, Vetinari sets his sherry aside, leans forward and takes Downey’s glass and sets it on the small table between chairs. Taking cane Vetinari leverages himself up, leg complaining at the movement, the sitting all day, the lack of stretching. 

‘Come,’ Vetinari says. Downey looks up at him with his very dark eyes that are pools of night. ‘I think it’s long past time to retire for the evening.’ 

Downey gives a sloppy grin, ‘I’m terribly drunk.’ 

‘I am aware.’ 

‘Absolutely in the cups, old boy.’ 

‘You have graduated to referring to me as old boy, consider me well appraised of your lack of sobriety.’ 

Downey pulls his legs in and pushes himself upward. He rubs his eyes, murmurs that perhaps he didn’t need that much sherry. Vetinari shrugs, reasoning aloud that there are times when such things are necessary. Downey readily agrees. Oh yes, absolutely. Sometimes this is precisely what is needed. 

Ducking into a passage connecting office to bedroom Vetinari leads the way as Downey makes a gentle weaving pattern behind him then further weaving as he partially undresses and face-plants onto the bed. Vetinari waits for Mr. Fusspot and Alsace to follow them in then slides the wall panel closed.

Seating himself at the edge of the bed Vetinari pries off boots then trousers. Massages leg, leans forward to stretch muscles, ponders the benefits of moving the council meeting to the early afternoon considering he did his own share of damage to the office sherry supply. 

Something muffled from Downey. Vetinari partially twists to see him, ‘You will have to repeat that.’ 

Downey rolls over, winces, ‘I said that I’m glad you’re here.’ 

Vetinari presses lips into thin line. This relationship of theirs, if one may call it that, is a delicate balancing act. Vetinari has plans for how it is to play out and this sort of confession isn’t necessarily part of said plans. 

Downey, being Downey, of course, appears to be flinging himself head first off the cliff without much thought. 

‘I am glad I could be of help.’ 

‘Nonono,’ hand flapping before it lands on the bed with soft thump. ‘I am glad you’re here in general. You’re inconvenient sixty-seven percent of the time and your face is stupid–’ 

‘A fact you spent much of our youth informing me about.’ 

‘I stand by it. It is stupid and that is why I should kiss it right now except I don’t think sitting up is happening anytime soon. All of this is to say, you are a good thing.’ 

‘Dangerous and noble?’ Vetinari ventures with half-smile. 

‘Yes,’ Downey nods sagely. ‘Very dangerous, terribly noble. I like thinking about dangerous and noble things–’ 

‘I hear they are your favourite colour.’  

‘Indeed, they are. So I like thinking about you. Now, excuse me, I am going to pass out and will haul my desiccated carcass out of your rooms in four hours from now.’ 

Vetinari watches as Downey does as he says, rolling onto side and falling asleep in minutes. The palace is quiet. A warm August night and the sky is velvet with dim stars, obscured by clouds and smoke of city life. Vetinari finishes changing for bed, budges Downey over to make room, and slides beneath covers. He listens to the dogs snuffling in their sleep, the slow, steady breathing of Downey, the nighttime noises of city as they float up. 

He decides he doesn’t mind if Downey thinks of him in terms of words he associates with the colour gold and incandescent birds. Despite innate desire to keep everything contained and controlled and cautious, there is a part of him that is immeasurably pleased to be considered something worth thinking about. To be considered someone’s favourite colour.  

[alexdanversfbi]

Supergirl, Sanvers Fandom and LGBTQ - in response to Twitter Posts.

I’m making a post to try & clarify some things since I made a post, & subsequent issues that have arisen from it. Forewarning, this is going to be quite lengthy but I hope you will read it carefully and fully.

Firstly, I’m a transgender man. I’m in my early 50’s. I’m happily married.

My wife (who now ID’s as bi, but for a long time until my transition, was lesbian, as I had lived as well), quite honestly have been involved in the LGBT community & push for representation and law changes longer than many Sanvers fans have been alive.

I say this to make the point, not to say it makes us better at it, or everyone needs to listen only to us - but that to say we’ve seen no representation, to poor & patchy representation, to representation starting to improve.

Both in laws of the land & on screen.

We’ve faced homophobia & seen transphobia up front and personal since childhood. My in-laws were a staunch allies for lgbt people. My mother in law was a beard to a friend of hers, as they went to underground parties simply so he could date another man. Sadly, my own family were less supportive, & while I wasn’t kicked out of my home, I didn’t get unconditional love & support either. While my father is now dead, I’m still facing it today with a mother who is terrible at acknowledging transgender me.

It all has a long way to go - and it might seem glacial to some, but in the decades we’ve seen it going on, there is far more good than there ever was. It’s still mixed in with the bad though. But more on that later.

I got into the SG fandom late.

Really late!

As late as about 3 months ago, because as a surprise for my wife, I bought her tickets for Ultimates specifically to see Flo as an early wedding anniversary present (it’s in May). She had watched the show (although had stopped before the end of S3 after the debacle of Sanvers and the ridiculous storylines being assigned to Alex). I hadn’t even done that.

However, she still talked about it, but because of what happened with Sanvers had said it wasn’t worth me watching it (she had watched it separately from me for a number of different reasons), because of how bad it was.

So I didn’t bother. Why watch something that was going to destroy any good it gave.

My wife though did say how there were (up until the shitstorm of S3) parallels to Maggie’s (& to Alex’s) stories to another program we did watch on UK TV Bad Girls, and Nikki Wade with Helen Stewart. Nikki was kicked out of the family home for being gay at 16. Was an out lesbian. Helen had only been with men, met Nikki, questioned her relationships - and eventually, unlike SG, they gave them the happy ending.

She also remarked how Flo had left for good reasons because of the way Maggie was written beyond the arc of girlfriend to Alex.

Remember, I wasn’t around the fandom, and to be honest, although my wife is a fan of Sanvers & Flo - she wasn’t really around social media either, particularly at the time Flo left. She hadn’t followed any Sanvers fans at that point.

So neither of us had seen the Flo hate. We’ve heard about it - but since neither of us were active at that time, we simply haven’t seen it.

It does not mean for one split second we condone stuff like that, any more than we condone hate sent to any actor or actress, regardless of the circumstances.

So I’m nipping in the bud any accusations of Flo hate from me now. It couldn’t be further from the truth.

We did see some Flo hate on Instagram as S2 of The punisher started and my wife went in on occasion to defend her.

I could do it - but I have crippling anxiety. Even writing this is because of the support of my wife.

It does mean I find it hard - extremely hard - to go in unannounced to people I don’t know to say anything.

My wife does though stand up if she sees anything. It’s just her online time is often restricted.

Back to SG now - we weren’t watching, even though Nicole Maines was cast, but because I was late to watching SG, it really wasn’t something I was aware of.

I will add, my main social media presence until the last couple of months was Facebook or Instagram. So it did pass me by.

Both of us actually, as my wife - due to disability - isn’t always the most active either. She had heard of it, but we often have other stuff in real life going on (hospital & doctor appointments etc), and that was one of those times, so it was there, but not up front & centre for us.

Now this might not seem like a big deal to some or a good enough reason to watch, but to me this is my Maggie moment when I did realise what was going on fully.

As a Transgender man, to see a transgender superhero finally being cast - that was great news.

What wasn’t so great - it was via SG. A program that had shown demonstratively poor judgement & queer baiting since the loss of Flo.

Were we worried that Nicole’s character would get the same treatment?

Absolutely we were.

However, coupled with having bought my wife tickets for Ultimates to meet Flo, I decided to watch SG, since it meant I had an idea about who we’d be meeting.

Then Nicole was added as a guest and that was it. Tough as it might be, we had two reasons to watch.

My wife warned me what was to come. How Sanvers broke up. How poor the writing became (not just Sanvers, but Alex, Mon-El and far more than I can get into here). Despite being warned, I loved the start. I loved (& still love Sanvers). I get why it became so important for a lot of viewers.

I hate how it was dealt with on screen at the end.

Utterly despise it in fact.

But remember, I only came into this recently, so I have no history of how it played out in real time on social media.

I’d become a huge Chyler fan (but I enjoyed her as Lexie) as I loved Alex, the wife is still a huge Flo fan.

Sanvers even had me drawing again for the 1st time in 15 years (see my pinned Tweet as it’s a Sanvers kiss).

But Ultimates was booked.

Then Nicole came along.

So we both grit our teeth and started watching the rest of S3, and what had already been shown of S4 (to show you how late this was, it was already to episode 13 of S4 when we started it).

Season 3 and the first 10 or 11 episodes of S4 are ….. at best badly written. Poor storylines, plot holes you could drive a bus through … but despite all this, we took what we could because the Nia storyline was being handled fairly well.

Now we could argue why settle for something so poor? Why not push for better representation.

I cannot stress enough (and honestly, the whole thing I was trying to put in a 240 character Tweet that has resulted in all this), that for us the show had now put in representation & produced something we’d not seen until now.

The show has moved on, and goodness me, if you truly think I expect people to move on, then it isn’t the case. I was merely trying to explain, that even previously staunch Sanvers fans might well now watch for completely different reasons.

It doesn’t mean there are other staunch Sanvers fans who should move on. You are just as valid in what you want.

It doesn’t even mean the fight for Sanvers as endgame should stop, and people of differing views can still want that to happen.

It was definitely not to bash Maggie (or Flo), particularly as it was Flo who was the reason we are attending Ultimates.

For me the reason I now watch is because of Nia and Alex.

My wife because of Nia.

As difficult as it is to palate for a lot of you (understandably), there are also going to be those who’ll watch the new LI because it’s another area of representation in having a gay black woman on screen.

We’ve (wife & myself) been around long enough to know what poor & good representation looks like. Heck, good representation is nigh on impossible to find - I can say Helen & Nikki were one of the lucky ones. In the 20 years since that’s happened, I’m struggling to find many others. They are out there, but when it’s only a dozen or so at best, it’s tough.

As my wife remarked the other week; when Jes MacCallan wears a t-shirt at Clexacon that lists wlw and it’s barely enough to be on the front of said t-shirt - that shows how poor it’s been. And then most didn’t have a happily ever after. Sure it’s not a comprehensive list, but it does help prove how poor it’s been.

But also remember as poor as that has been, there are some (like trans or gay men or black women) who’ve had even less. They deserve more, & sometimes that starting point is horribly bad.

We’ve also been around long enough to know it isn’t black & white. It isn’t linear.

Just like coming out, you constantly have to do it. That sometimes means taking what is the worst outcome, but using it to steadily push for the better ones. It sometimes means you might have to take that step backwards to move forwards.

It can also feel unsavoury to do that.

A prime example I can think of here in the UK is we remember when people first started touting same sex marriage - and at that point, they were in process of changing the law on same sex adoption.

For those not aware of the UK law that was - it allowed single gay people to adopt, but not couples .... so stupidly a gay person could adopt if single, and then become involved with someone else, but if you were in a committed relationship no go - anyway, from that law the discussion to get marriage in place started. Gay men were openly likened to those opposing the law change to peodophiles, as sadly still happens to gay men today.

That change in adoption law was a big step forward in getting the laws on marriage here changed.

Then came civil partnership. So many people were angry it wasn’t enough and many said it was in fact a step back. Yet, for us it was a huge step forward. I kept trying to explain then, you often have to take the least favourable option to keep pushing for the best outcome. That marriage could happen, but don’t dismiss what was occurring simply because it wasn’t good enough for you.

It is an exhausting situation, to constantly push for better representation. This is a process. Occasionally that process will force steps back - but as long as the overall push is bigger than that, it will carry on.

For me, I do think that Alex is slowly getting a better deal as a character and I’ve enjoyed the latter part of her story arc in S4.

Does it mean it’s as good as it was or could be?

No, it doesn’t. But it also doesn’t mean - and this is my opinion, and believe it or not I’m okay if people watching don’t agree - pretty much all of S3 (honestly that is a clusterfuck of epic proportions) and the first half of S4 are about as bad as it can be.

Nicole has also had good representation though. There is a lot that resonates for me. A lot I wish I could’ve seen as a child growing up, not in my early 50’s.

Think about that.

I’m finally seeing good representation in my 50’s for the first time.

Albeit in a program that has far from stellar representation for a long time.

This isn’t the 2nd, or 3rd or however many times it has gone on for lesbian couples on TV.

That for me is a huge deal. Huge!

Like a black gay woman is going to be huge for some others.

However, it also means if the LI for Alex gets storylines that Flo deserved I won’t be pissed.

You can bet I will be. As will my wife.

We’ll undoubtedly rip apart the producers for it at home, as we’ve done so many times. Just because people haven’t seen it, doesn’t mean it hasn’t been said.

I guess what I’m trying to say in all this rambling is I truly have no quarrel with people wanting to stay solely as Sanvers fans. I just want to be allowed to go beyond that (and I would love nothing more than Sanvers endgame), even if that seems counterintuitive to some of you.

I’ve never posted anything with ulterior motives to attack any group of fans. It might have appeared that way for some - but truly I simply posted something on my timeline as a general observation. It was not directed at anyone per se.

I’ve realised that it’s been construed as such, but those who do know me also know I will never disparage others intentionally. If it comes across as such, it was - believe it not - unintentionally done. If you don’t want to believe that, I can’t change that, but I do ask you don’t keep saying stuff about it to me.

I’ve not seen much beyond interacting with some mutuals on Twitter.

It appears there is a far greater history going on than I could have ever imagined between some people.

So for now - I’m going to post my usual things but to try to avoid posting directly to followers except family & friends away from the fandom.

To make it absolutely clear I never intend or intended to get pulled into a war of words with anyone.

I just want to enjoy Sanvers - and for me personally, go beyond that.

It’s just I’ve seen so much progress for the LGBT community, even if it could be faster.

I saw lesbian activists disrupting the BBC news in protest to the government of the time and Clause 28.

I saw the news report of the bomb that went off in a gay Soho nightclub.

I watched friends become stigmatised for being gay men at the start of the AIDS crisis.

I saw people fighting HIV & later AIDS & some dying as a result.

I’ve seen this and far more. I’ve actively campaigned on issues ranging from animal rights to LGBT rights, when the T wasn’t even part of the acronym, to nuclear disarmament and far more.

I’ve seen more positives finally coming about in the last 18 years than anything that’s gone before it.

We’ll face steps backwards. Some will be greater than others, but make no mistake, the strides forward are bigger.

Activism for better representation isn’t just something to hinge on one TV storyline or show - it can just be about that of course - but life is messy. It takes steps in many different directions for many different people.  

If people were offended, then I am saying sorry.

It has though been difficult to become embroiled in something that is far further reaching than I had any idea about.

One of the perils of being so new to the fandom I guess.

And now I’m off to cuddle one of our cats.

[arse-blathanna]

The Bones of a God - 41/50

Chapter 41: Finding Warmth

[Ao3] [FFN] [Fic Tag]

Fic Summary: Once upon a time, monsters roamed the entire world, so plentiful that they needed countless numbers to fight them off. 13 years ago, that changed. Grimm died off suddenly and stopped proliferating. Now the few Creatures of Grimm that are left are too large and powerful to be taken down in “the old ways.”

That doesn’t make them any less of a threat.

The real problem comes when people decide it’s for the best that they start picking sides in a war starting anew.

Word Count: 4,706

Chapter Summary: Qrow, James, and Glynda piece together a puzzle. Cinder and Emerald get more comfortable with their target.

Author’s Notes: Thank you for reading!

There were a lot of things about his life that Qrow didn’t like all that much. There were even more things that he didn’t like at all, and some things which made him regret having ever been born. A lot of things had made him regret much less.

Blake had come to him to talk to him about Raven two days before. Since the two of them had properly discussed the issue, Qrow didn’t know what he was supposed to do with himself. Sure, he had seen Raven recently and the two of them had made some sort of progress together, but not by much. Raven was still a missing piece as far as protecting Vale went, as wrong as it was.

There was a reason that Qrow had gone to report the matter of Raven making an appearance after the fact to Ozpin. There was a reason that he’d spent more and more of his time at the bar when he didn’t necessarily need to.

[Read it on Ao3] [Read it on FFN]

He sat in Junior’s bar, having tucked himself away in a back corner with a drink in his hand and absolutely zero desire to get involved in what was going on with anything else. If he sat there in a corner, the odds that anyone would come to bother him were low. He wanted to be alone with his drink, at least until his company showed up. Being around Raven always left him feeling terrible.

And when he felt like that, there was always alcohol.

Where there was alcohol, it was easy to gather friends.

Qrow blocked out the world around him as much as he could and looked over at the bar’s entrance when people came in. He saw Ironwood come in, with Glynda in tow and just raised a hand enough to catch one or both of their attention. It was only a moment before Ironwood was leading the way over to him.

James slid into the booth directly across from Qrow, Glynda sliding in at his side but also carefully putting some space between the two of them.

“Hey, Jimmy.” Qrow greeted him. “Glynda.”

“Qrow.” Glynda replied, making herself more comfortable. She eyed his drink warily, so Qrow just took a moment to down what was left of it. “Why did you want for the two of us to come down here?”

“I just wanted to talk.” Qrow grumbled. He knew that he could have gone ahead and had this meeting in front of Ozpin, but for some reason it felt inappropriate. What he did know didn’t give them all that much to work with when it came to whatever it was that Raven was trying to do. “About some things.”

“Qrow-” James said, letting out a sound that was almost a resigned sigh. “You know that if this important, it shouldn’t be done in the back of a bar-”

“Yeah, I’ll be sure to remember that, Jimmy.” Qrow growled at James. “Did it occur to either of you that I might be dealing with something that might be a little more personal than either of you are giving me credit for? Maybe something that’s not 100% for work?”

James and Glynda looked at each other, their eyes meeting and gaze holding for a little too long and yeah, that was something that managed to leave Qrow feeling a bit more than just annoyed by the situation. “You know that we don’t mean any trouble, Qrow.” Glynda said, her voice dropping in volume and her almost sounding calm about it all. “We just want to be sure that-”

“I know how to do my job,” Qrow mumbled, frowning at the realization that his drink was empty. He’d have to try and get ahold of Junior to make sure that he could get a second. “I’m just worried about some of the things going on up at the academy.”

Qrow cut himself off, realizing that he hadn’t exactly found the best way to explain what he was doing there or what he needed. “I’ve been worrying about Ruby and Yang a lot.”

“I don’t see why.” Glynda said, sitting up straight with her head held high. “Both of them perform exceptionally well in their classes. They’re wonderful students.”

“It’s not that.” Qrow said with a grimace. “I’ve been worrying about those other kids as well. Their teammates.”

“All four do well in their classes.” Glynda said, her voice quiet like she was sharing a secret. “And when they’ve been going out into the field, it has always been under your watch or Bart’s on one occasion.”

James hesitated for a moment, something reading on his face that made it very clear that he didn’t know what he was supposed to say. Whatever it was, he didn’t let it last for too long and charged ahead.

“All four of those girls are rather capable. I have looked in on some of Miss Schnee’s training sessions. We all know that Blake Belladonna is capable, and both Ruby and Yang are exceptionally well ranked for their year.” James said, his voice rigid as ever. “And I… understand, worrying about people involved in this life. We’ve all lost too many people, and we’ve all seen people lose too many people.”

“And-” Qrow started, but was cut off just as quickly as he tried to involve himself again.

“And it isn’t unreasonable to worry. But with the exception of their running off for the sake of their teammate, none of them have been in any real danger.” James said, rather pointedly letting his volume drop so low that his voice was barely above a whisper. “So what is this really about?”

“One of the other girls-” Qrow paused. “Blake. She came to me the other day asking to talk about some of the things that happened out in the woods. Tracked me down outside of the city gates late the other night.”

James’ eyes seemed to widen, and Glynda also seemed surprised by the revelation.

Qrow looked on as the two of them exchanged a look and he noticed that that seemed to have made them both nervous, in their own ways. Glynda let out a breath that seemed to have been held and pushed her blonde bangs back from her face, while James’ right hand seemed to ball into a fist, at least slightly.

“What did she want to talk to you about?” Glynda asked, keeping her voice relatively quiet. “For a student to have snuck out like that-”

“Yeah, I know.” Qrow mumbled. He’s going to need another drink if they’re going to have this conversation. The best thing for any of them would have been to just go ahead and order a round, but that depended at least slight on whether or not James would want to drink that night. “She wanted to talk to me about something that she had a run in with out there.”

“Grimm?” James asked, his voice barely above a whisper. He didn’t look at Qrow, instead choosing to look over his shoulder to check that nobody else was there. “Or something else?”

“Bandits.” Qrow said, and he watched the way that Glynda and James both sat back a little bit over the revelation. “Specifically, Branwen tribe bandits.”

There was silence at their table, despite the fact that there were people in the bar, and there was music playing over the loudspeakers.

At least Qrow could be confident that he had both James and Glynda’s attention on this little matter. “Specifically, she had a run in with my sister. Apparently not all that much happened. I don’t think we’re going to have to worry about a raid, but-”

“But that’s still rather… alarming news.” Glynda said, her voice softer than it had been in a long time. Qrow sometimes forgot that she was real and human, and that she genuinely cared for the people around her. He figured that being away from the academies helped out at least a little bit on that front. “Did anything happen with her?”

“No.” Qrow mumbled. “Apparently they talked a bit and Raven tried to make sure Blake made it back to school. Asked a few weird questions.”

James reached for his scroll, already swiping to a map of Vale so that he could make some plans. Qrow wouldn’t have been surprised to know that James needed to check in on some of his own men. Specialists were sure to be creeping around the forest at that point.

He swallowed hard, and Qrow leaned in so that he could get a better view of what James was doing. The general rolled his eyes and expanded his Scroll to its biggest size before lying it down on the table between the three of them. On the map, there were small symbols, which Qrow realized were upside down letters on it. Definitely people that had been sent to patrol.

The giant grimm’s location had been marked, and in red was the spawning pool that they had located. Leave it to James to be comprehensive about every single detail if he got the chance to be.

The prick.

“Qrow-” James said, his voice still low in volume. “Do you think that you could pinpoint where that tribe is staying?” He turned the scroll so that Qrow could look at it directly now, and Qrow frowned because looking at a landscape from overhead as a bird and looking at one from a map somehow managed to be completely different.

But, if there was anything that Qrow could take some comfort in it was that James hadn’t mentioned the tribe as his tribe. It was a sign of sorts that James understood that it was complicated, and that was about all that Qrow could hope for from the general. Especially when the guy’s position meant that he should look at bandits a bit more harshly than he did.

“I can try.” He grumbled. “But you need to realize that they don’t exactly like to stay in the same place all the time.”

“We understand that.” Glynda sighed. “But we’re going to need to know whatever we can if it will help.”

“Yeah,” Qrow grumbled as he resisted a rather serious urge to roll his eyes. It wasn’t like Glynda or James were trying to smother him, and it was true that they needed all of the information that they could get. He just didn’t want to be talked to like he had no idea what was going on. But he looked down at the map on the scroll, blinking and taking in all of the information that had been brought in.

He started at the city of Vale and began to trace his trail outwards, farther and farther until he reached a place deep in the forest by the river. He remembered it perfectly, and took the moment to mark it on the map before passing it back to James. “I can’t promise that’s up to date. At all. Bandits don’t exactly like staying in one place.”

“I understand.” James replied, taking a glance at the location and raising an eyebrow. Whatever was going on in his head, Qrow didn’t exactly know, but James probably knew something that he didn’t. “We’ll do what we can with this.”

There was quiet. Qrow took a deep breath once the scroll was tucked back away and raised a hand so that he could wave Junior over to where he was. Junior stood by the bar, his head high. He saw Qrow and nodded, murmuring something to one of his employees before walking over to join them. Qrow watched him check a pocket on his vest for something, and smirked.

Junior got there and leaned in towards the table. “What is it?” he asked, like he was expecting for them to be there for the usual reason that anyone went to him or needed to talk to him.

“Some drinks would be nice.” Qrow said with a shrug. “You know what I want. These two-” James and Glynda looked at each other before James spoke up and rambled off a drink order and Glynda simply asked for a glass of wine.

“Got it.” Junior said, having scribbled it all down before tucking his little notepad back away. He looked among the three of them suspiciously. “Was there anything else?”

Qrow hesitated, because he couldn’t be sure that anything that they were dealing with was something which Junior could help with. But he thought of something that he could go ahead and say, so Qrow charged ahead. “I wanted to thank you for telling that kid where to find me.”

“It’s no problem.” Junior said, his voice suspiciously calm. “She came in looking for you and I didn’t want to turn her away. But you might want to keep an eye on her. She’s been in a few times now.”

And that, more than anything else, was the sign that they needed to start paying attention. Qrow blinked and shifted in his seat, leaning over towards Junior while Glynda and James did the same. Having ensure that they were safe to talk, Junior continued.

“When she came in she and I got to talking. She was asking questions about the White Fang, but I don’t-” He paused, head picking up to look over at the door and make sure that they weren’t being listened in on. “I don’t know the full story. But it sounds like she might know something.”

“That’s… impossible.” Glynda said, her voice soft as she looked among the rest of them. “She’s registered to Beacon Academy as being a human, unless-”

“It wouldn’t have been the first time that someone had lied on their registration forms.” James spoke up, his voice soft and almost consoling. “But if she hasn’t given anyone any reason to worry, then it may be for the best to let her continue with her studies.”

Qrow paused, mulling the words over in his head as certain events from the last mission he’d lead RWBY on clicked into place, in different places than they had before. Blake had heard something out in the forest, but she had gotten defensive when she’d been asked about it.

It made sense, even if Qrow didn’t know all of the details.

They sat in silence, all mulling it over. Qrow sighed and looked up at Junior. “If she comes in again, call me. Especially if she’s looking for information on that.”

“Understood.” Junior answered before hurrying off to make their drinks.

Once they were alone, Glynda spoke, barely above a whisper.

“She registered under the name Belladonna. I’d considered it a coincidence because it isn’t as though people don’t share names, but-”

James seemed hesitant. “We need to talk to Ozpin about this.”

“Yeah, probably.” Qrow muttered, and he really wasn’t happy about it at all. “But if we’re going to tell Ozpin anything, we need to talk to the kid first.”

“Are you sure that’s wise?” Glynda asked, sounding a bit unsure. “If the girl came here and is trying to live under cover, then going to her and showing that it isn’t working may not work. It could have the effect of making her feel like she needs to run.”

“Yeah,” Qrow mumbled. He ended up raking a hand through his hair, a little too roughly. It hurt a little bit, too much of a tug at the roots of his hair. “But we can’t just go and tell Ozpin that this is happening with the kid not knowing.”

James hesitated, thinking hard on something clearly. He took in a deep breath. “It’s possible that the best thing that we could do is attempt to reach out to the Chieftain in Menagerie.” He said, but he didn’t exactly sound happy about it. Of course, if he were the leader of any sort of kingdom and suddenly had the general of Atlas knocking on his door, Qrow wouldn’t have been happy either. “But that may be a step which needs to be taken later.”

“Not until I’ve talked to the kid.” Qrow reasserted to the group. “I think that I’m the one at Beacon that she trusts the most, so it’s probably for the best that I’m the one to go there.”

“Right.” Glynda said quietly. “Please, Qrow- Don’t blow this.”

Qrow felt something in him which wanted to react to that or get defensive. When it came to others, and to people that knew about his semblance, he could never trust that he wasn’t going to find himself getting thrown out for it. He didn’t know ehther that was what Glynda was trying to do, but he still felt that thing that told him that he needed to bolt.

“I’m not going to try.” Qrow growled back at her.

Junior approached their table again, his tray carrying a few glasses. He began to serve the drinks, and once they were all calm, it was time to get started.

He made sure to get everything on the table, and then just as quick as he’d arrived, Junior was gone.

Qrow picked up his drink and took a sip of his drink. “I don’t like how any of this is going.”

James drank from his own, looking far away. Like he almost didn’t know how to be there anymore. “Neither do I.”

Glynda nodded wordlessly.

Cinder had been alerted to Emerald dropping her semblance with the feeling of a tap on her arm when the three of them had stopped to camp for the night. It wasn't like being with Watts, Hazel, and Tyrian. There was something about being around people that were actually kind that was... interesting.

Which almost made it harder for her to focus on the job that they had ahead of them.

Amber was fixing a fire, and Cinder watched as she poked at it. If she'd wanted to, she could have gone ahead and tried to just light it herself. But if they were meant to keep their abilities in the dark from Amber, that wasn't such a good idea.

"Hey-" Amber said, her eyes bright and soft. "You two are going to be okay, right?"

"We should be." Cinder answered. "Thank you for helping us."

"It's really no problem." Amber said, smiling and standing up once she was sure that the fire was going right. She stretched and took a walk over towards her horse, removing a few things from its saddlebag. She gave the animal a gentle pat on the shoulder before approaching the fire again. "I do really want to make sure that you can find your teammates before we get to Haven."

"And we appreciate it." Cinder said calmly. "I don't know that we could have gotten that far without your help."

"Well, I'm happy to help." Amber said once she had the fire going and food cooking for the three of them to share. "You two should really be more careful in the future though. Student teams shouldn't be getting into so much trouble out in the field. Or straying so far from the academies."

"We didn't look for it." Emerald said with a shrug, like that explained everything.

"I believe you." Amber sighed, and she looked a little bit exhausted by the mention of it. "When it comes to bandits, there really isn't much of anything that you can do. You hope that you're strong enough to beat them and if you aren't, you hope it doesn't get worse. They don’t exactly play by any rules, you know?"

"Right." Cinder said, glancing over at Emerald. The two of them were going to need to come up with some sort of cover story if they were going to make all of this work out. There wasn't much that either of them could do alone though. And Emerald couldn't be expected to carry the whole operation with her semblance.

The problem was that without a good way to contact the others, there was only so much that the two of them would be able to do. When Watts, Tyrian, or Hazel came for them, it was going to be an ordeal in itself.

Because Cinder couldn't expect that they weren't going to be left in a situation where they weren't caught by surprise.

But now that things were going well, Amber dropped into a seat across from the two of them, looking mostly happy and glad to have company for a night.

"So," Amber started, stretching out and making herself a bit more comfortable in her spot. "You two are students at the academy?"

"We are." Cinder says, thinking fast back to her own time at Haven. It hadn't been long, but she had been there more than long enough for her to have been assigned to a team. "We're half of team CLER." She explained, borrowing a name from one of the upperclassman teams at the academy. "We lost sight of our teammates Raleigh and Lorelei during the attack."

"Oh." Amber said, frowning. "That's terrible."

"Thanks." Cinder sighed. "I just don't know if we'll find them alive."

"Neither do I." Emerald said, hunching forward a bit in the spot where she was sitting. "Going back alone would be..."

"Bad." Cinder finished for her.

"Well, I guess it's good that I found you then." Amber sighed.

"What about you?" Emerald asked, blinking. "I mean, did you go to the academy?"

Amber sat up straight, eyes widening in some surprise. "Oh-" She started, swallowing. "I did. I mean, I went to Beacon Academy, but when I graduated I decided to come back out to Mistral. Home is where the heart is and all of that."

"Right." Cinder said.

"Yeah." Amber said, expression suddenly soft. "I like it out here.”

To be honest, Cinder was at least a little bit curious about Amber. There was a lot about her that she just didn't know, and while she was interested-

It wasn't wise for her to get too involved, Cinder decided. If she was going to be involved in Amber's eventual death, then the last thing that she needed to do was get attached at all. But she also knew that she was going to need to be able to play along at least a bit.

"I grew up here in Mistral." Cinder said, keeping her voice down. "I've lived here my entire life."

"I have too." Emerald said, blinking and looking over at Cinder with something akin to surprise on her face. "It's... nice. I guess."

"Yeah, well-" Amber said, blinking and stirring a pot that she'd laid out on her fire. "My mother was from here originally, but she'd gone to Beacon for her own reasons. After she and my father got married they moved back to Mistral and raised me in the kingdom."

It was a topic so uninteresting that Cinder almost wished she was back with Watts, Tyrian, and Hazel. None of them would have rambled on about their families.

"So you're just a huntress then?" Cinder asked, looking up at Amber. "Shouldn't you be travelling with a team?"

Amber's face screwed up a little bit, her expression far away for just a moment before she shrugged her shoulders and allowed herself to move forward in the discussion. "I haven't had much of a need for a team in a while. There isn't usually much of a threat aside from bandits out here. Usually I just spend time making sure that people get from town to town safely. It’s not very interesting, but I like it."

"Like you're doing for us now." Emerald said, in a certain tone of definite feigned cheerfulness. "So this shouldn't be any trouble."

"No," Amber laughed. "Not really. I've been doing this for long enough that I think that I can handle myself just fine."

Cinder looked over at Emerald, looking for some sort of cue from her partner that the two of them could use. She didn't quite know what they were doing, especially when they couldn't contact the people that were following after them. Watts, Hazel, and Tyrian had to be making plans or something. They had to be keeping an eye out for them in whatever way was possible.

"We'll get back to Haven." Amber said, still smiling widely. "You have my word."

"Thank you." Emerald sighed. She curled up a little bit beside Cinder, while Cinder just made herself as comfortable as she could manage. "I think right now we're both just tired though."

"I can't blame you." Amber sighed. "You two should rest once we eat."

"What about you?" Cinder asked, cocking her head to the side and looking for something from the woman. Amber blinked and looked back down at the food that she was cooking before speaking up again.

Amber reached for the three small bowls that she'd gotten out of her saddlebags when she'd last gone over to her horse. Cinder watched as she began to spoon food into each of them, just cooked and rehydrated rations that would be enough to carry the three of them over for a day or two.

"I figured that you two were going to need to rest, and if there are bandits out here, someone will need to keep watch." Amber explained, like there was nothing wrong. Like she was completely clueless as to what was going on.

It was a sign that things couldn't have gone any better for them.

"I can keep watch." Cinder offered, locking her eyes with Amber. "It's the least that I could do if we're going to be travelling with you."

"Are you sure?" Amber asked, offering Cinder the first of the bowls. "You know that if you're hurt-"

"I know." Cinder sighed. "But I think that I'm going to be fine."

"Right." Amber shrugged. "If you insist, then I won't fight you on it."

"Thank you," Cinder said, just as she began to finally eat her meal. It wasn't anything special, and it was truly some of the blandest cooking that she'd ever tasted. At least when Hazel did things with their trail rations, he tried to do something with them. Although, he'd probably been cooking them for most his life at that point.

But Cinder ate the meal anyways, and when the time came for all of them to rest she went off to keep watch. There was a good spot for her by one of the trees near their camp, and Cinder decided to place herself for the time being.

Amber went to bed, and Cinder feigned it, if the way that she was there nearly an hour after she had gone to bed at Cinder's side was any indication.

"What do you think, ma'am?" Emerald asked, her voice quiet and her looking back towards the camp nervously. "Are we sure that-"

"I don't know." Cinder replied, her voice quiet. She couldn't risk accidentally waking Amber up, since this was probably going to be their only good chance to make strategy plans for some time. "Have you heard anything from Hazel or Watts?"

"I... was going to ask you that." Emerald admitted, sounding sad. "Since you've been working with them longer."

"Right." Cinder said. She knew that she still had her scroll in her bag, but hadn't gotten a chance to check it. Not when she and Emerald had been needing to play along as though they'd both been injured. "I'll see whether or not we have before morning."

"And... what about this lie that we're keeping up?" Emerald asked, and she looked just as nervous as Cinder felt. They both knew that there was something was wrong, and there was no way that they could dodge it. Not as things were. "Because if you need me to-"

"We'll travel with her for a bit." Cinder instructed, blinking back at the camp. "In two days, we'll make it seem as though we've found our teammates."

"And?"

"And hopefully while you create the illusion, Watts, Tyrian, and Hazel will be able to attack."

"Right." Emerald said, her voice quiet and face sunk. "I don't like any of this."

Cinder was silent for a long time, a thousand thoughts and feelings flitting through her all at once.

"I know."

[ameliabaggs]

Embarrassing admission:  I’m a savant.  Stick with me and I’ll explain, but it’ll take awhile.

Understand that I’m not saying this to brag.  This is not easy for me to admit to myself, let alone anybody else.  It’s taken me over a year to write this.It’s actually as difficult for me to discuss this as it is for me to discuss the fact that I actually have coprolalic vocal tics.  In fact autistic people’s discussions of savant skills often resemble Touretters’ discussion of coprolalia:  There’s a tendency to try to make out like they’re much rarer than they are.  

About 10% of Touretters are thought to have coprolalia, that is vocal tics that sometimes involve involve swearing or other offensive words (like slurs).  It’s embarrassing to Touretters as a whole because to a lot of people Tourette’s is like a punchline to a joke about cussing.  Similarly, about 10% of autistic people are thought to have savant skills (I suspect the number is higher), and autistic people are just as embarrassed by the fact that savant skills have become a stereotype.  10% is one in ten people. That’s not actually the tiny minority that people would have you think it is.  And I do believe savant skills are under-reported for reasons I’ll get into later.

Some background about myself

I was first recognized as being autistic at the age of fourteen.  I was in a mental institution following a suicide attempt, at the psychiatrist I got was randomly assigned.  In other words, he had no reason to be specifically looking for or expecting autism when I first became his patient.  I would remain his patient until his retirement and subsequent death in my twenties.

Anyway, after he met me, he asked to meet with my parents.  My mother describes him interviewing her extensively about my early development, asking pointed questions about certain things.  She said he very quickly said of me, “Your daughter sounds like an idiot savant.”

A note on terminology

Idiot savant sounds outdated or downright rude, depending on your take on things.  Even in 1995 when this was taking place.  To understand what he was saying, you have to understand the history of terminology around savant skills as well as his own personal history.

So first off -- my doctor was old.  He was trained and did his residency at a time when Southern mental institutions were still fully and officially segregated by race.  His age and specialty in child psychiatry meant that he had met a lot of children over the years, including a lot of autistic children.  It also meant that he used a lot of terminology that would at best be considered quite old-fashioned today, because he learned his clinical vocabulary in probably the early sixties.

Idiot savant does not mean a specific type of savant.  It has nothing to do with the outdated classification of idiot which usually meant what today would be referred to as a severe and/or profound intellectual disability.  There was never an IQ cutoff for being an idiot savant.  Idiot savant meant “wise idiot” and was meant to cover the unevenness of cognitive skills that was characteristic of cognitively disabled people with savant skills.

So him saying I was an “idiot savant” would be the same way that someone today would say “Your daughter has savant syndrome.”  He was not making a judgement about my IQ, which at the time had only tested as high, at the age of five, largely due to the effects of hyperlexia, a learning disability involving early reading ability usually combined with comprehension issues, that is in some contexts itself considered a form of savant skill.

People talked about idiot savants, and then it became autistic savants (except that this term would only be applied to autistic people, who are not the only people with savant skills), and these days it’s savant syndrome. You don’t need a cognitive impairment of any kind (such as autism or intellectual disability) to be a savant:  There are a lot of blind savants, for instance.  Today people mostly just say savant or savant syndrome.  

But definitely understand that idiot savant was its own term, separate from both low IQ/intellectual disability in general and the classification of idiot in particular. In fact, very few people identified as savants throughout history, including when the term idiot savant existed, have ever fallen into the official classification of idiot or any of the terms that replaced it.  

The confusion people have about the technical term idiot savant (mistakenly relating it to idiot in particular or intellectual disability in general) is very similar to the confusion over the term psychomotor retardation.  Psychomotor retardation refers to a mental and physical slowing associated with certain medication side effects as well as a number of conditions such as depression.  It has absolutely nothing to do with the category called mental retardation, a recent but now outdated term for intellectual disability.  They both have the word retardation in them because it means slow, but they refer to entirely different types of (purported) slowness.

Back to my own history

So he called me an idiot savant before he even used the word autistic to describe me.  Both words came up in the first few sentences of that conversation, but idiot savant was the term that came up first.  Savant skills were the first unusual thing he recognized in me.  Within a month, after further interviews, conversations, interaction, observation, and formal testing, as well as consultation with a team of psychiatric and neurologic professionals, he diagnosed me with autism.  Within the description of my diagnosis, he mentioned idiot savant qualities.

The actual autism diagnosis happened in a way that was extremely common in the nineties.  He knew that I met the full criteria for autism.  He told my mother I was simply autistic.  But in the nineties, saying someone was autistic was equivalent to saying “This person will never improve, all therapy is wasted, don’t spend any more money on them than it takes to permanently institutionalize them.”  He knew it would be terrible if the insurance company took this take on me -- which they were already trying to do without that encouragement.  So on paper, he alternated between saying I had a complex and diagnostically confusing developmental disability, and saying I specifically had PDDNOS or atypical autism.  Using PDDNOS/atypical autism as a substitute for a flat-out autism diagnosis was extremely common in the 1990s and had nothing to do with whether you actually met full criteria for autism.  

My diagnosis was changed to autistic disorder later on by the same doctor, after the danger had passed and an autism expert had suggested making the change but suggested I go back to the psychiatrist who knew me the best to confirm that this was an accurate thing to do, since the expert in question did not know my family or have years of observation and testing to go on, whereas my psychiatrist did.  This was after a bunch of misdiagnoses that would take way too long to explain but that were also quite common in the nineties, in fact some of them were among the most common psychiatric misdiagnoses of autistic people.

The savant thing

So... at the time of my autism diagnosis, autism was an abstraction, and a word I did not understand how it applied to my life.  Words like ‘underlying developmental disability’ and ‘pervasive developmental disorder’ and really anything with ‘developmental’ in it might as well have been gibberish.  Even when I heard these things over and over, most of the time I ignored them.  I’d occasionally read a book by Donna Williams or Temple Grandin, identify to one degree or another, but not grasp what autism was any better for having read these things.  And most of the time, while others in my life apparently thought about this diagnosis a good deal, I didn’t.  The savant stuff was way under my radar most of the time as well.

I was an adult before I understood why I was diagnosed with autism.  I was also an adult before I really saw that I’d been labeled as having savant skills or savant qualities, and before my mother told me the story of my initial diagnosis. And to be honest, I mostly ran away from the label, inside my head, and neither said much about it nor thought about it any more than I had to.

Like many autistic people, I was conscious that the popularity of Rain Man had caused people to view autism as inevitably involving savant skills.  Being a savant had become a stereotype.  And Rain Man was an unusually talented savant.  Most savants have neither his degree of savant skills nor his sheer number of savant skills.  He was based on a small number of real people, most notably Kim Peek, who had agenesis of the corpus calosum and a huge number of highly impressive savant skills.

Like many other autistic people, I was very critical of the concept of savant skills.  I thought it was just a way of passing off talents as somehow unexpected or pathological or both, when they happened in disabled people.  I thought it was just a shorthand for giftedness, a concept I have a great deal of trouble accepting as real or useful, at least not as it’s currently defined.  And in many cases it has been used in these ways and autistic people are correct to be suspicious and critical.

And honestly I was afraid of it.  For reasons I still can’t articulate, it really terrified me to face the idea that I might be a savant for real.  But as I discovered, I am.

What kinds of savant are there?

One of the things that had me confused about savant skills was that, like many  people, when I think of savant skills, I think of the most extreme skills.  Those are also the rarest kind of savant skills.  Prodigious savants, as such people are called, are uncommon.  They have never been the most common kind of savant at any stage in the development of the idea of savants in general.

So here are the modern, official classifications of savant.  Remember here that I don’t make up the words for each kind of savant skills and may not  like  them.

Splinter skills are the least spectacular kind of savant skill.  They represent talents that are highly impressive specifically when compared with the cognitive difficulties the person has in other areas.  They are very common among savants.

Talented savants are savants with talents that are likewise in contrast the person’s difficulties, but they would very obviously be things the person would be considered talented for regardless of disability or lack thereof. They are also pretty common among savants.

Prodigious savants are the rarest kinds of savants.  They are people who have skills that would be considered not only highly talented but well beyond the range most people even consider humanly possible for someone to have a skill in.  Like the way Stephen Wiltshire can fly over a city once and then do a detailed and almost entirely accurate sketch of he entire panoramic view from memory.

Knowing these categories, I can see that I have a lot of splinter skills and sometimes veer into the realm of talented savant.  This is a much better representation of my areas of talent than te concept of giftedness in general is, because the the term savant refers to a talent in a relatively narrow area surrounded by areas of great difficulty.  That contrast has been a fact of life for me forever.  Like back when my hyperlexia gained me a high IQ at a time when I literally didn’t know what the word test meant.

Hyperlexia is something that’s sometimes considered a savant skill and sometimes not.  In my case, I feel like it is, because it’s an extreme and isolated talent that came seemingly out of nowhere and that is accompanied by extreme cognitive difficulties in areas that most people would assume to be related to the areas of talent.

I also had musical savant skills.  Perfect pitch is another thing that’s considered a savant skill some of the time and not others.  But the fact that I was first chair, first violin in the junior high orchestra by the age of seven, I can’t read that as anything other than an obvious foray into the realm of talented savant.

Up until I was in my early twenties, I had a spatial (not visual -- closer to kinesthetic, or the way blind people map space) map in my head of every place I had ever been, indoors or outdoors.  I never got lost.  Ever.  I don’t know why I lost this but while I had it, I can’t see it as anything but a savant skill.  My mother, who has severe spatial awareness problems (she’s very visual -- she and I are opposite kinds of proof that visual and spatial are not the same skill), has used me as a navigator since I was a small child,

I also have something that I feel like must be extremely common and not usually recognized at all.  I would call it a partial savant skill.  It’s a skill that isn’t quite a skill because it has no outlet.  I am constantly composing detailed, complex, original cello music without even trying.  But with no way to play it in realtime, and no way to write it down (translating to musical notes is a laborious, slow process for me), the music remains in my head and never shared with the world.  So I don’t know that this counts as a “real”savant skill by objective measures, but it feels like a savant skill with a  crucial piece missing.  I wonder how many people have partial and/or unexpressed savant skills like this.

I think my art (specifically, painting in recent years) falls somewhere in the category of either splinter skill or talented savant skill.  Which may always be a subjective thing, and it’s difficult to judge the quality of your own work.  But this has less to do with some objective measure of quality, and more to do with the way in which the art takes place and the way the skill developed and functions.  Savant skills are more than just the presence of an unexpected skill, there’s specific ways they are learned and function in a person that mark them out as different from your average talent of the same level.

And people do hide their savant skills sometimes, even when they are obvious savant skills.  I am not open about all of my savant skills.  Additionally, not all savant skills are in areas where people normally look for savant skills.  The current savant experts focus almost entirely on certain areas for savant skills, to the exclusion of other skill areas.  

Additionally, many disabled people develop skills that are entirely unknown to nondisabled people and therefore unmeasured and not accounted for in descriptions of possible savant skills.  It is entirely possible, in fact probably common, for people to have savant skills in these unmeasured skill areas.  I am no exception to this.   I have savant skills I can’t even describe because nobody has ever acknowledged the existence of the skills in question never mind come up with language for them.

Anyway, I eventually realized it was important that I face the fact that I have savant skills.  It’s more than a little embarrassing.  It’s not something I wanted to admit to myself.  I’ve spent over a year agonizing about how to articulate what I’d found out about myself.  As well as whether to tell anyone about it at all.

I know a lot of people don’t believe savant skills are a thing.  I have read several books on the topic and concluded that they are a thing.  And that they apply to my life.  I’m not capable of explaining all the details.  And calling something a savant skill is and should be very different than just a way of saying that someone disabled has a talent or qualifies for some definitions of giftedness.  (In fact, I don’t believe in any common concept of giftedness that I’ve ever heard of.  I do, however, now believe in savant skills.  They’re entirely different ideas.)

Anyway, I can’t explain why this was so hard to believe, herd to face up to, and hard to admit.  But it was.  I still can’t escape the fact that I have savant skills, and I’m better off not trying to escape or deny it any longer.  I have to admit that the doctor who first categorized me as autistic was right about the savant thing as well.  As I said, i’m not bragging.  I’m simply publicly admitting that my combination of skills and difficulties -- both current and past, since some skills have vanished and others have appeared over time -- fits the savant pattern perfectly, both in areas that are usually widely recognized as common savant skills and in areas they would never even notice.

[vetivervelvetviolet]

Yuri!!! on ICE Dub Review: a Translator’s (in training) Perspective

As promised, here's my review of the Yuri!!! on ICE dub by @funimation. In case you are new to my blog (which will be 5 years old this July, yay), I'm currently in graduate school for a Master's in Japanese Translation. I've been studying Japanese since 2005, and I've been watching anime and/or reading manga for a little bit longer than that. Some of the points I’m going to make are based on translation theory and practice facts, some are educated guesses about a dubbing process I had no part in, and some are just personal opinions. Please keep this in mind.

Strengths

Overall I was truly impressed with this dub, especially given that the episodes would have been translated, subtitled, and re-recorded on relatively short notice, and that there would have been increased pressure on the actors to get their lines in a few takes since the episodes were being released on Crunchyroll only a week after they premiered in Japan. Josh Grelle was an excellent voice match for Yuuri and carried this show, Jerry Jewell's Viktor was charming and funny, and Micah Solusod did an admirable job as Yuri P., doing what I think might have been his first Russian accent (at least as far as I have seen), and generally playing the motivated little asshole part very well, once again proving that sweet guys tend to play the best douchebags.

The side characters also had very good English voices, in terms of suiting the character type. I'm in love with Joel Mcdonald's Phichit; his voice is 110% believable coming out of Phichit's mouth. Joel seems to have the "kindhearted boy voice" corner covered. JJ's voice actor was great, and conveyed the character's outrageousness over to English superbly. Lastly, I love Chris Sabat's Christophe. I love him. That is my boy right there. Sorry haters, you can't change my mind. I hope Christophe gets some more backstory next season. In all, the choices of actors in the dub were excellent.

・The Asian characters didn't have accents. This subtle decision was a very thoughtful move in terms of maintaining how Yuuri, a Japanese person, would perceive his fellow skaters in an English-dubbed environment. You know how people talk about "a director's director" as someone who makes movies that appeal to directors, this was a translator's translator’s decision.

In Japanese culture, Chinese and Korean people are not considered gaikokujin, per se, despite being foreigners from a legal standpoint. These countries and cultures have heavily intertwined histories, so it makes sense that Japan would consider them sort of in-group. In recent years, too, perhaps as a result of globalization and increased contact, this foreigner-but-not-really-a-foreigner status is also sometimes given to Southeast Asian people. Europeans, Africans, Pacific Islanders, people from the Americas, and people from the Middle East are still gaikokujin, and are seen as Other from a sociological perspective. Although I obviously wasn't in charge of translating the Japanese script, writing the English script, or hiring the actors, this is the only logical reason I can come up with for why Phichit, Guang-Hong, and Seung-Gil didn't have accents, but everyone else (save Leo who is American) does. JJ even said "eh?"  and pronounced his vowels a little differently in the first episode he appeared in, just in case you didn't catch that he was from ~Canada~. Intentional or not, I was really impressed by this decision and hope it is a sign of movement towards more nuanced dubbing.

・No one's name was gravely mispronounced *is still not over the D. Gray-man dub*

・Yuri P. was adequately rude; he didn't sound toned-down or forced (like how I felt about some moments in the Attack on Titan dub) 

 ・I think Minami sounded equally gender ambiguous in the English dub as he did in the original. Apparently his seiyuu was the protagonist in Haikyuu. I have not seen that series, but I can say from what I have seen of the art that that character is much more obviously male, and perhaps people who were familiar with Haikyuu and that actor knew right away that he was a guy, but it was not obvious to me in the the original! Minami’s character design is not terribly masculine, nor is his behavior, and if Trina Nishimura hasn't dubbed him, I honestly would have expected Greg Ayres, what with that hair, personality, and snaggle tooth.

Weaknesses

・Why did Celestino have an Italian accent? Even his Japanese Wikipedia description clearly says he's イタリア系アメリカ人, which means he is an American of Italian descent, as in, his parents/grandparents/etc. were from Italy. He is not an Italian immigrant/expat who lives in America. 

 ・I think Stephane Lambiel's guest appearence was handled clumsily in the dub. Considering how thoughtful the American crew seemed to be in regards to dubbing just about everyone else, I couldn't understand why they didn't either 1.) Keep the original audio of Lambiel, himself, speaking his few lines, or 2.) If that wasn't possible, record someone else speaking his lines in French. There were only a few, and with no lipflap to match, it seemed doable for someone who isn't necessarily a professional voice actor, but is either French or speaks French fluently. Granted, if they had re-recorded French audio, they would have needed to overlay English subtitles around or over the already-present Japanese ones which would be visually awkward, butttt... which for some odd reason they still had in the dub??? I don’t doubt that they --the dub crew-- probably also thought that this was less than ideal, having two sets of subtitles on the screen simultaneously, but I found it supremely distracting, for one, and absolutely unnecessary in the case of the English ones, since the dub actor was already speaking in English.

・One of the international skaters (either Guang-Hong, Emil, or Leo, I can't remember which), in his first appearance, was clearly dubbed by someone using a completely different mic or recording system than the majority of the cast. I lack the proper technical terms to describe his voice for those lines, but it sounded fuzzy or clouded, not like someone was speaking to me in real life. By no means did this ruin the entire episode or something for me, and it was probably a result of the time crunch ("you can't make it in today? okay, sure, you can record from home and send it in, so long as we have it by the end of today"), but it was noticeable.

Addressing some issues and qualms brought up by other fans

・"Jerry Jewell's Russian accent wasn't flawless/he sounds like Gru from Despicable Me". I know next to nothing about Russian, so maybe it was horrible, but it wasn't so horrible that I could tell. But more over: TIME CONTRAINTS. Funimation had to find a veteran voice actor who could reliably get lines done in a few takes (given not just the time contraints, but the fact that Viktor speaks a lot in every episode) and could also do a passable (to Americans) Russian accent. I cannot imagine that there are too many people in the Forth Worth-Dallas area who meet both of those requirements. Second, if you can sit through the Minions, you can suck it up and deal with a just-okay Russian accent. 

 ・Which brings us to my next point: the time element. You cannot reasonably expect something, any sort of product for consumption, to be flawless, fast, AND cheap/free. Going too fast in translation, including subtitles, almost always results in errors. Hence there were minor flaws in the subs (as @fencer-x has noted; she has better listening comprehension skills than me, and I trust her ear) , and since the dub script was not terribly different than the subbed script in this series, I'm going to guess that those errors carried over. I don’t have time to go back and analyze the places where the mistranslations occurred, though, so I am not 100% sure. They did not affect the plot or the characterization of the characters, though, so I do not consider them serious. 

 ・Some time ago @fencer-x responded to a comment about jokes/references/lines being moved around. I don't remember what she said, but here are my two cents:

Moving around jokes/references/lines is normal in translation, especially when you need to match lipflap. There may be many reasons why, and they will vary depending on language pair, but they can all be said to be necessary to meet target culture norms, and in the the case of dubbing, meeting target culture mouth movements. Although technically up for debate in academia, I am of the persuasion that some loss of linguistic and cultural content is inevitable in translation, even in literal translation, sometimes (linguistic relativity). A good translation attempts to make up for some of that through "compensation", though. This could explain why some characters reactions or quirks (*cough*Christophe*cough*) are more extreme in the English dub than they appear to be in the original. I for one found the humor funnier in English, and the touching moments, like the ring exchange, more touching in the dub.

・I get the sense, not just from this particular dub,  but from the dub vs. sub way of thinking of some fans have in general, that there is a severe misunderstanding about subtitles and their relation to translation and language. Also, that some people do not understand that what is being said, as in literal words being used, is not the same thing as what is being conveyed/what they meant by those words....

SUBTITLES =/= EXACTLY WHAT IS BEING SAID IN JAPANESE, BUT 'JUST IN ENGLISH'

Subtitles are not literal (hopefully) or "pure" translations. There are no such things as "pure" translations. Subtitles are not necessarily any closer to what is being said, or what is being conveyed in Japanese (or any source language for that matter) than dubbed scripts. Subtitles are not magic language decryption.

・For example, subtitles, like any translation, frequently make use of techniques called transposition and modulation when going from Japanese to English. Transposition is "a change of one part of speech for another (e.g. noun for verb) without changing the sense" {Introducing Translation Studies, Munday}. Modulation is a change "in the semantics and point of view of the [source language]". In many cases, when coming from a language so linguistically different from English as Japanese, using these techniques is basically mandatory if you want the resulting English to sound 'normal', or as we say in academia, unmarked. Combined with the concept of linguistic relativity, the moment you translate even quite simple sentences, phrases, or words from Japanese to English, you have irrevocably changed them. Theoretically speaking then, no matter if the subs or the dub say "My name is Meghan" or "I'm Meghan", they are both 'correct' translations, but entirely DIFFERENT THAN "メーガンです". 

 ・Subtitles often include adaptations of what is being said in Japanese on screen. This means that cultural references, in-jokes, and the like are changed to be relevant to English-speaking audiecnes. This is an instance where what is being conveyed outweighs what is literally being said in importance. That is, if the translator or script writer didn't change them, the joke or reference would be meaningless, and thus, pointless, supposing the necessary cultural information doesn't also exist outside of Japan.

In conclusion, I was very impressed with the Yuri!!! on ICE dub. I am definitely going to buy it on DVD. As a longtime fan of anime, I appreciate quality dubs, and can relate to fans who want to see dubbed episodes as soon as possible. I am also, unfortunately, familiar with how a poorly chosen cast can ruin a show--which obviously did not happen here. However, as a translator, I am now more aware of what goes into the translating and dubbing process, and I firmly believe that the dub crew gave it their all here. I also have the firsthand experience to say that, hell yes, being rushed sets you up to make mistakes, which seem to have happened in some places in the translation process of this series. However, as I said earlier, those errors did not affect the plot overall, or the characterization, or my understanding of the story, so I can still confidently give the dub a thumbs up.

See you next level!

[datingadviceonreddit]

Hey, everyone!So I have been feeling pretty sad today, but I wanted to try to make some people feel better. I love helping people! Let's start!So I'm twenty-one and have never been in a relationship. I have never kissed with tongue or have had sex with anyone. And maybe you are in the same position I am. Maybe you're older than me, or have been in a relationship and done what I haven't. This advice will help you, hopefully. If you're like me- you've searched such things on the internet as "how to get a girlfriend/boyfriend," "How to deal with being single forever," or anything like that.For me, it was really tough. I went to a very sad spot. I hated myself, thought I was worthless, etc. I hated how I didn't know what to do. No matter who I asked- no one had a straight, honest answer. There were absolutely no times that someone knew what to say. Worst of all- it was always someone who was in a relationship- saying something I hated to hear like "Being single is great," or my least favorite, God-awful adage "Love finds you when you least expect it," and oh my God did I hate that bullshit beyond comprehension. I hated it because it didn't answer my question of what to do. It's just an adage with no advice. How the hell do I not look for love or not think about love when I am literally wired to seek companionship?I am not here to tell you stuff everyone else has said, like how everything happens for a reason, or spew other shit that won't actually help, or make you feel invalidated. I'm going to tell you step-by-step on what to do; because I want to do whatever I can to help people not feel the way I did.The first part of my advice is to do absolutely nothing. Yep. Do nothing. Do not try to force a relationship or chase anyone. You can meet people and be friends to them, but do not chase people or put yourself out there for the goal of getting laid or finding love. I tried Tinder and Bumble- i.e. the worst shit on the planet for finding genuine love. In fact, I've had both of those apps for four years- and I have never met with a single person from those apps. I matched with people here and there, but they'd either ghost me- or the conversation would come to an end because they only gave unenthusiastic, one word responses.Sounds like you? I want to say that I am very sorry you went through that- but here's the thing- hookup culture is cancerous and void of real romance, and these app's only purpose is to help the population become infertile due to STIs. Ha! Seriously- nothing worth your time comes from those lifeless apps. Maybe you've met someone there- but then you wouldn't be reading this post if that person was 'The One,' would you? Yes, finding someone awesome over Tinder does happen, but that is very VERY far in between all of the terrible exchanges most of us will have.So you are doing nothing. You are gritting your teeth, crying yourself to sleep, and feel worthless, (which is far from the truth, King or Darling) but you are actively not chasing everyone down, looking desperate. The second, and most important part of this whole post is that you honestly need to work on yourself! And by work on yourself- I mean be the person you want to be. Don't try to be the person you think people want you to be. This is your life, and YOU ARE YOU. Here's something I did that started this all. I took all of my clothes off, yes I did, and I stared at myself in the mirror for an hour. I looked at myself and analyzed what I saw. Not just my body- but who I had become. I saw who I was, the badass things I did in my life, and who I wanted to be. And then I started to look at aspects of myself I wanted to change. I wanted to be more confident, I wanted to be more assertive, and I wanted to be the protagonist of my life.That's what you need to do. What do you want to change about yourself to be better? Now, there are things we can't control- but can certainly adjust. Like weight. I am six feet tall and one hundred and eighteen pounds. I'm a skinny fucker. I honestly thought I needed to be swole and a hunk. But you know what? I'm totally fine being skinny. I honestly like it. Yeah, I could tone myself- but I HATE HATE HATE LIFTING! I do go on forty-five minute walks four times a day, every day. Maybe you want to change your weight- but understand that you should only do it to improve yourself for you, and never because of someone else. If you want to shave a few pounds- then exercise. But don't hurt yourself. Because guess what- Anyone who does not like you for a reason as shallow as your body can rightly fuck off, because they are not worth your time and can go back to festering in their own shit. THE RIGHT PERSON WILL VALUE YOU FOR YOU.That's something that I forgot when I was really low- but remember that. If they don't like you for any reason, they are not the one that's worth dating. Let me tell you something very intimate and personal. I want to be the best father, husband, and psychologist in the whole world. So I am using that to get through the day with my head high, listening to music. When I am low or don't know what to do- I think "how would my girlfriend want me to feel," or "If my child were right next to me- what kind of dad would they want and deserve," and everything changes for me. I feel like I can take the whole world myself and beat its ass.You need to find that in yourself. Use the man/woman you want to be to bring your head high and smiling. You deserve it- and the whole world will see that you are happy and can do whatever the fuck you want. What makes you tick? Find that person in you and bring that out. And even if none of what I'm saying seems possible for you for one reason or another- try to think "How can I be the possible version of myself at this very moment," and be realistic. Even if it's just pulling up stupid videos to laugh at, or just being at ease with the moment- then good! I have been having to do that to help myself by just taking baby steps moment by moment at times.Another part to this is finding your happiness. You need to focus on your hobbies and whatever makes you happy. For me, that's some motherfucking Bloodborne. I love me some Bloodborne. It's a way to deny the negative feelings and make me present. The other part to being happy is making other people happy. Hold a door open for a chap, talk to someone out on the street, and reassure anyone who isn't feeling great that they are exactly who they are meant to be- and that they are perfect. Do this because you know what it feels like to feel worthless and imperfect. It will not only make them feel good- but it will make you feel good, too. Be a good, kind person. The right person who you want to be kind to you will see that you are kind.The second to last part of this is to allow yourself time and space to feel like shit. Do not deny those feelings or feel that you can't be sad or upset. You need to let those feelings flow through somewhere in private. Just don't let that negativity to show in public, if you can. You are no less of a person if you are sad around others. This stuff is hard. But please- just spend the evening in your room and tell yourself that you mentally need to release and recover. If you want counseling- go for it. It really can help. If you can't find a counselor, talk to a trusted friend who can listen and talk you through, every so often. We are social animals- we deal with our problems together. If you don't have anyone- you have Reddit. I've spoken to some very sweet people here. Find a thread with compassionate people who can help you and be there for you.The very last part of this post is very crucial. I'm a psychology major- and a very important skill I learned about was to look at your hurt as a section of your consciousness that you must treat like it's own person. Not disassociating, but taking a step back from your pain and treating it like a patient. Here's how it works: let's say my heart is aching. It's crying out for a relationship and an end to the loneliness and pain. I place my hands over my heart and cradle myself and say "I know it hurts, but we'll find someone. I promise. Please rest now, and let me take care of you. Let me do the hard work." You honestly need to practice self talk. but in particular, talking to that part of you that is in pain. Let that part of your unconscious mind know that it's time to rest and let you carry on. When you get back to your room or somewhere that you are safe and alone- talk to yourself. Tell yourself what you need to hear. Heal yourself and let yourself work through the pain knowing that it will end with the right person seeing how beautiful, wonderful, amazing, and perfect you are. It will take practice- but sooth yourself. Be who you want to be. Have fun. Be the badass you are. In the wise words of Alfred Pennyworth: "Why do we fall, Sir? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up."I hope this helps, and if it does- share this with whoever needs it. I have dealt with this for six years. Some of you longer. But I am done with this agony. I know my wife would never want me to be sad. My son would never want to see Dad give up. I never found help from those bullshit posts about the pros of being single, or from any Ted talk. I want you all to feel better and to find the one. And when you are with that person when the time comes- ROCK THEIR WORLD. Love you! XOXO[TL;DR] Try to do the best with what you have and understanding that you are you- and that's more than enough for anyone!!! via /r/dating_advice