#and it felt like the culmination of all the things they've been doing to make the games less fun for the sake of being 'hard'

[asleepinawell]

one of my main takeaways from the er dlc is that the "adding difficulty settings would compromise our vision of the game" thing is just complete bullshit coming from the devs (not that that wasn't already obvious)

because they added that! the fragment level up system as implemented was not ideal and was actually there to make the gameplay harder rather than easier (as in getting all the fragments felt like it was tuned for the base difficulty and scaled up difficulty the less you got rather than letting some people have an easier time) but they did very much add a way to scale difficulty and there are plenty of ways they could expand off that system to let players make things easier if they chose to (no one is making you use those fragments buddy)

i don't think they're ever going to do that, but now they've kneecapped their own argument for doing so and just made the whole premise of it dumber

[utilitycaster]

You mentioned it briefly a few months ago (but it lives rent free in my head sorry!) that the most popular ship from this campaign has almost only AU fanfics and it's really telling me something about the characters from c3, that there is just really nothing to explore about them.

So here's the thing. I do not think the characters aren't worth exploring! There's been good character work (a lot of which gets ignored, actually, because it's not what many of the people who insist that C3 is their favorite as they slowly turn into a corncob want*; see basically anyone on Twitter about Orym), it's just not central to the plot.

I stand by what I originally said and which was validated at a recent Q&A panel: the cast wasn't told that this was going to be the Moon Plot Campaign (they were just told pulpier and deadlier) and Laura wasn't told that Imogen would be as central a character as she was. So I think we have characters who could have, for the most part, had a character-driven campaign around them, but it became clear relatively early on that this was the Moon Plot campaign and that wouldn't be the focus; and because to get all of his ducks in a row for the Moon Plot Matt had to take a heavier hand with the rails and as a result the party didn't have a ton of bonding time early on because they were always taking NPC missions/being ferried around in an airship with no need for watch conversations, and it's hard to go back and fill in those interactions later, which is why they've sort of fallen out of the habit.

With respect to the ship...the thing is, I genuinely believe it could have been good. The reason I'm not a fan of imo/dna isn't because I think the characters aren't good (well, my feelings on Laudna are documented but I do think Imogen is a great character). It's because, ironically enough, every barrier between them did get removed all too quickly in the service of Cottage Endgame and as a result I think many of the people who wanted that are like "wait...that's it?" Like, the gnarlrock fight fizzled out only for the same conflict to come up briefly with Ishta (swordgate) 70 episodes later and be resolved a day later in-game. When they reunited I was like you know what would have made this good? If Laudna had remained angry in episode 65 and turned Imogen down which Laura 100% expected to happen, because they hadn't talked about this and they were awkwardly trying to deal with unresolved feelings for 30+ episodes and perhaps Laudna actually leaned into Delilah wholeheartedly during that time and realized she had feelings for Imogen after all, while Imogen was simultaneously struggling with that rejection and realizing Laudna was going into a dark place but didn't feel like she could get involved, and they both leaned more (platonically) on other characters and Swordgate was the point where Laudna said "oh no, I'm becoming too much of a problem and I do want Imogen to like me" and the soul anchor felt like a culmination of a deeply felt struggle instead of a quick fix for something that had only inconvenienced her a few times and led to a 20 hour long minor spat at best? If we actually got a fucking slowburn? It would have been great! Turns out if you always go for the instant gratification, it makes for a story without any tension! And now we're watching people who were always clamoring for skipping to the good part realizing that in doing so we skipped all the buildup that makes it the good part. There could have been something to explore. It was not explored.

*I think that there are people who for whatever reason do legitimately prefer Campaign 3 for whatever reasons and are in earnest and this isn't about them. While I don't share their tastes I support them and their feelings; we all have our preferences. This is about the people who are already visibly setting up the groundwork for a dramatic rage quit that will make copious, wildly incorrect use of the term "neoliberal" if the campaign ends with the gods still in place while still insisting this is definitely the best campaign and making absolutely brainless statements about prior campaigns not being as political even though this is the least politically inclined or aware group by a country mile. I think the lesson from the above and from here is that you really cannot have your cake and eat it too.

[uncomfortably-bowing]

there's so much utena discourse around certain aesthetic signatures of the show (in particular, scenes and shots like the sword pulls, the transformations and outfits, etc.) and, like, surface-level discussions over whether these things are "Actually Beautiful" or "Actually Bad."

and i totally get it, especially with regards to some scenes---like the ways in which people have taken the ending scene of episode 33 and turned into weird pastel-pretty aesthetic boards lmao----but i do feel like a lot of the discussion is over-simplistic, and disconnected from the actual framing and themes of the series

utena and anthy's world is full of beauty. it is also full of horror and pain. there is often no clear delineation between the two, and we are forced (quite generously!) to recognize both sides of this.

the sword pulls oftentimes carry feelings of manipulation, hurt, subservience. anthy summoning the sword drives in the repetitive, obedient actions she is forced to repeat time and time again for others as the rose bride. in the black rose arc, they're violent and terrifying. in the third arc, they're stand-ins of the dysfunctions the characters have with the person drawing them, the ways in which their emotions are being twisted and ignored.

and yet! they're beautiful.

they're incredibly intimate moments, in which the two characters---who, generally speaking, are either emotionally or physically estranged from one another---cradle or hold one another, pull out a culmination of that person's essence, as a heavenly light frames the two of them together. the first time anthy does it to utena, it is out of genuine fear for her, her voice quivering with fear as she tries to do anything to help her! it's love! it's an act of beautiful love!

when pressed on how it felt to have their sword drawn, the duelists are flustered---they can't say it was just painful, because it was more than just painful. the screams of the black rose arc turn into something more quiet, ethereal, pretty---and yet still uneasy, unsettling.

a similar conversation can be had about utena and anthy's outfits. they're symbols of their roles as duelist and rose bride, and for anthy in particular it's an outfit emblematic of her status as a static, never-moving prize to be won. the outfits are as ugly as the entire dueling system, and yet---while recognizing this---the show doesn't stray away from associating the dress and the duels with delightful, beautiful imagery. the rose imagery in general is very beautiful and striking, even at some of the more dark moments!

there is an aesthetically pleasing contrast between anthy's dress and utena's uniform---one that goes back ages in terms of our understandings of gender and social status. why is that beauty there? well, for a lot of reasons! one is definitely making us question what we think of as beautiful, particularly in the contexts of gender roles and society (why did we have that gut impulse to see anthy in that dress as beautiful to begin with?) but, for the sake of this post, i think the most satisfying answer is because horror and beauty are usually intertwined in our actual lives.

so much of the show is dedicated to both finding beauty in horrifying situations and seeing how beautiful things are oftentimes pretty horrifying. anthy and utena's relationship is beautiful, but grows out of abuse, sexism, queerphobia, and hurt.

when utena and anthy dance in front of everyone at the ball, how do we interpret that? well, our first instinct is as a beautiful scene of budding love and care between the two of them; our second instinct (especially after watching the show) is that it's another example of the way in which they've both been boxed into these roles of prince and bride---and all as hundreds of eyes are staring at them. when does the line between gender as choice and performance begin, and when does it become oppressive gender roles? when does anthy's performance as the meek rose bride become her real self? when do the two's relationship become loving, and when do they stop hurting each other? when do the ugly things at ohtori become beautiful, and when do all of the beautiful things become ugly?

and there's not really one point, always, although sometimes there are---and sometimes there's multiple points, and sometimes there was no transformation at all, and sometimes things never stopped oscillating between good and bad, ugly and beautiful, scary and hopeful.

and like, even beyond the really radical ways this impacts the queer and feminist readings of the show, i just think that's also very nice. so much of utena is built on recognizing the beauty in the world. the main characters live in a shitty world while leading shitty lives. and they find beauty in it still.

(i will here also add here at the end that when the show wants to make a very clear definitive statement on one of its aesthetics being basically entirely bad with no beauty behind it, it's very frank in its framing. see: any shot with utena in a dress or her girl's uniform)

[mdhwrites]

Just putting forth this ask: why is it that compared with Amphibia's All In and The Hardest Thing, that TOH's finale and "final fight" (if we can even call it out that) just felt so underwhelming? Even especially Luz's "death" which felt so much of a fakeout and copying from Amphibia's. Granted, I wonder if a part of that is some of us already watching Amphibia at that point tho.

The fight feeling more underwhelming is easy actually. See, 90% of what people remember of Luz fighting Belos isn't her fighting Belos. It's just dancing around fighting moss. That is... Lame. To put it mildly. Meanwhile, you have three magical girls flying into space to fight the moon and his army of robots. That is awesome.

However.

What I really want to talk about is why their deaths actually play into the feeling of these two fights and the finales as a whole. It lets me talk about shock deaths versus heroic sacrificed because TL:DR: Anne heroically sacrifices herself for Amphibia as a final culmination of the growth she has had as a character. Meanwhile, Luz is given a shock death to sell how dangerous Belos is (which I will get into a bit) while also essentially being fridged for the sake of the Collector's arc. One of those is hype as hell and satisfying. The other is a complete stumble before we finally get the actual confrontation.

However, I'm going to go away from The Owl House and Amphibia first to talk about the tropes of Heroic Sacrifices and Shock Deaths with one of the easiest franchises to do it with: Dragonball Z.

Let's start with Heroic Sacrifice. A heroic sacrifice is when a character CHOOSES to give up their life so as to attempt to put things right, save lives, etc. like that. This choice element is actually really important. Without it, it's just a tragic death. The villain got the upper hand at a bad moment and killed them. That rarely actually happens in media but it is an option. A heroic sacrifice is just that: A sacrifice.

This is your classic moments of Piccolo sacrificing himself for Gohan against Nappa or Vegeta using all the energy he has in an attempt to defeat Buu. In both cases, these are major defining moments in their arcs. Arguably, the climaxes of them. The pinnacle of them changing to be a good person. We also see two classic examples here, one of which I think is commonly much stronger.

Piccolo's death is a split second decision where he decides to take the hit instead of allowing it to reach Gohan. This has a lot of good points for a character, such as showing their inherently good nature, but it does lack one key component: It doesn't feel like the choice weighs as much. Not wanting to see someone else get hurt is pretty basic and can be warped just as much by the bad guys so as to make it a weakness. It says a lot about Zuko when he takes a lightning bolt for Katara... But I wouldn't call it a sacrifice. It's a split second choice to make sure one person stays alive over themselves. This makes the impact revolve a LOT more around thematics over just the weight of the moment. As an example: If Superman dives in front of someone to take a Kryptonite blast, that's an "Oh shit," moment as the fight suddenly takes a turn for the worst. However, it is so ingrained in his nature that it hardly means anything for him to put himself in danger like this. It only hits hard for characters like Piccolo because of the journey they've been on.

Vegeta's hits harder for that reason because it still carries all the same advantages of the split second choice with one MAJOR boon: It's optional. Yes, technically these others are too but protecting an ally is just a part of being on a team. Being in combat. We don't blink at it most of the time unless it leads to a death, in which case it is a tragedy. Vegeta had a different option though. Just... Play along. Or leave. Or do ANYTHING else.

Instead, from his lowest point, he finally sees what he's going to lose from all of this, what he has done, and makes the choice to try and make up for it. Not even to seek forgiveness but just to have a single moment of redemption in his whole life in an attempt to save his family and those he cares about.

This also brings up another point about Heroic sacrifices: They don't need to be successful or permanent. The point is about what it says about the character. Vegeta doesn't manage jack shit in his last moments from an entirely practical purpose. From a character perspective though, this choice will last eternally. It will always be a part of him and his growth. That is powerful, even if it fails.

But what happens when there is no choice and it says nothing about the character? Well, that's when we get into the realm of a shock death, like Yamcha's legendary failure. A shock death is mostly meant to just raise the stakes. To make the audience know that 'shit just got real'. It always happens as a character getting instantly KO'd so as to really sell the "OH SHIT" factor of the moment.

Which is also why everyone always laughs at Yamcha. His death means nothing and as far as trying to up the ante? Good job, you killed the weakest of us in a show of strength. Good job. It is a HARD sell to a lot of audience members at this point because the character is just there to die. Their death doesn't say anything or mean anything for them so why as an audience should we care? It was just a cheap death that accomplished nothing and everyone moves on from.

So am I fair to call Luz's death this? After all, Camila cries over it. Eda goes into a more feral version of her Owl Beast form than she ever has before because of it. The Collector learns what death is due to it!

And in like three minutes, none of that will matter besides the Collector thing. No Eda having to try and bring herself back from the curse, despite claiming it can still eternally take her, a plot point never resolved. Camila has no reason to actually know. Her crying is just to add another octave to the overture "BE SAD NOW!" And the Collector?

He only was in danger because the writers said he was. Even if you believe Belos is immune to his magic (which was shown to be untrue as he flew up to Belos' face), he is still an incredible being of unrivaled power. He can move celestial bodies with a whim for god's sake. Why should he EVER be in danger? Shouldn't he be able to teleport or just shift out of the way faster than Luz can fly up to him?

And what does it say about Luz? You know, the girl who has been trying to abandon the Isles for TWO WHOLE SPECIALS before this and who has no connection with the Collector? They want this to be a heroic sacrifice in the way of Piccolo but it doesn't have the weight. It has no build up and Luz was NEVER going to have a real connection to the Collector. It's even explicitly used as a teaching moment for the Collector. To give him extra motivation to become a good guy... Like you do when you fridge a character. It's also something Luz would have explicitly done from episode 1 so it also has the Superman problem of saying nothing.

And the WORST part for Luz is... It wasn't something she thought was going to kill her. She thought the two would get out of the way. Maybe that was just a line in relief but a heroic sacrifice is an all in play. You don't expect to come back from a SACRIFICE. But Luz appears to have.

As such, it just feels like a way to up the stakes, especially when all it leads to is a power up for Luz. A cheap bit of escalation before the victory lap that is Titan Luz. That's just not that compelling and it feels manipulative, like a lot of shock deaths are.

And how does Amphibia get out of all of this? With one line:

"These stones aren't Amphibia's greatest treasure."

In that moment, we are reminded not only of all that Anne is fighting for but all of the growth she has had in order to lead to this moment. To go from the selfish girl she once was to the unifier of the stones. To someone who can actually care about an entire planet. How in episode 1, she wouldn't have done this but now? Now it's not even a moment of hesitation for her.

And it does have the Vegeta element of being optional. She could have gone home. She could have had Marcy or Sasha make the sacrifice instead. She doesn't though because she will not shrug off the responsibility of all this. This isn't even to do with the prophecy. She was the one to steal the music box. She was complicit, even if more fault lies with Marcy, in leading to the Core being potentially able to ravage worlds again. And then she is told that the prophecy is a plea for help. You don't have to yes to a plea like you do destiny. If not for Anne's experiences, she would have said no.

Instead, she says yes and she wins for it. Her resurrection is even based in this. She expects no resurrection and was ENTIRELY ready to bear the weight of her choice. She won't even accept the Guardian's offer of power because that's not why she did this. It's not what her arc is about. Instead, she gets her resurrection for the same reason she died: Because she has grown and in that growth, become so much more than she ever could have even imagined, so what would happen if given more time to grow? Would she surpass all of ours expectations? Even a god's?

ALL of that helps an audience care. Helps give a true climax to everything. Brings it all together. Even if you want to argue, and I actually probably would, that the Calamity trio fighting is technically worse from an animation standpoint than even Eda, King and Luz against the moss, narrative weight matters more. That sense of climax matters more. It is going to elevate the rest of the fight, and the episode, simply by making sure that ANY audience member is going to have a greater amount of investment in it.

And a heroic sacrifice is a great way to add to that. A shock death is not.

======+++++======

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

A Twitter you can follow too

And a Kofi if you like what I do and want to help out with the fact that disability doesn’t pay much.

[icebrooding]

A non-comprehensive first word-vomit of my thoughts abt Janthir wilds in non-chronological order:

Poky is my son and if anything happens to him I will commit Crimes of a very bad nature. I also called he and Braham would be great friends even before it got mentioned as a possibility right at the end.

I really like what they've done with the Warclaw; not only is the new skin extremely cute but I've been having so much fun w/ it's skills. Boing boing boing.

This soundtrack fucks REALLY hard??? Like holy shit??

Isgarren soft boy story reveal (but I already knew he was soft from SotO anyway but this is probably the most explicit we've had about just how soft--)

Greer is gonna have a lot of people horny for him, I can just kinda feel it? If people want to fuck the bog queen, I can imagine people also want to fuck the sexy-voiced Titan.

The 'boss segments' sure felt like boss segments, holy shit. I had no real issues on the first Greer and Decima fights but the one at the end actually caused me a lot of issues. Not sure how, but it did.

I really love the first half of the expac being this kind of 'low stakes' feeling adventure (and really FEELING like a good adventure, the way the maps are designed and their scale making exploring them SO good ouegh), and then the latter half is this slowly ramping 'oh fuck, Titans', culminating in 'oh fuck. /another/ titan.'

I somehow REALLY really appreciate the 'we cannot do this we need to retreat' stuff. I really liked the one at the end, the Commander's hesitance before calling off the pursuit. Feels like they've really learned over the years that rushing in isn't in their (or anyone's) best interest.

I genuinely always thought Sorrow was gonna be a polar bear. Did not expect a grizzly, but appreciate the subversion of my expectations. Even after her reveal I'd expected the lowland appearance to be an illusion of some kind, but nah. Girl straight up grizzly. Gotta respect.

On that note, I did have a joke going on for a few months of 'we walk into the lowland kodan lands and just find her sitting amongst them like 'oh shit'' so this was pleasant for me lmao.

Sincerely curious on how things will go between her and Isgarren after that little catfight. I don't wanna see Dagda crushed by losing her again :sadcat: She's like the kid caught between a really bad divorce--

Can Lyhr finally meet Rand again--

Can Stoic Alder be my new dad? And can he please not die I cannot bear (HAH) if anything happens to him either ; _ ;

where is zojja

Mildly upset that we're shown not to really remember Dagonet. I REMEMBER YOU, BIG BRO :crycat:

on that note did his voice get deeper

I feel like the horror of the White Mantle came across really strongly, as someone who (still, damnit) hasn't gone far in GW1, reading the notes around Syntri really painted a really gruesome and horrific image of the sentiments at the time... it was upsetting, to say the least.

Fuck? Ether towers and Jade Constructs though--

I would have appreciated any warning from my friend abt how going into the water of Syntri was like reliving my least favourite parts of Subnautica all over again.

I'm just gonna pretend we didn't talk to Anise at the end of the story LMFAO. I did not like that, honestly.

I KNOW HE WAS MENTIONED AGES BEFORE BUT ISN'T IT FUNNY HAHA IN SOME WAY THAT MABON, VOICED BY LIAM O'BRIEN, HAS AN ALIAS FUCKIN' NAMED "OBRYN"

spear aesthetic fucks even if i suck at it

Caithe getting to sit on the fireplace is iconic. queen behaviour

look, if we're (MAYBE) going to the domain of anguish (maybe isgarren can scream enough to open a portal again for us) then can we finally just bring legavo there and go ham? i'm sure it'll be fine.

more thoughts at another point when i can formulate sentences

[risingoflights]

Hmm, you don't feel comfortable talking about it unless someone asks your opinions? Then this is your official ask!

I've never played the critically acclaimed- er, you know. And I have no idea what the Ilsabard Region is or what its story and tone are.

So! What is it, and how does it compare to what you've experienced of Rebirth so far? What do you get from one that's missing in the other? What are the strengths and weaknesses of each narrative, and which do you feel, at this point, will have the most replay value?

(Plus anything else that's crossed your mind!)

ah friend, you should know better than to ask, but thank you for asking <3

leaving xiv out of this for a moment, i can tell you exactly why chapter 7 specifically of rebirth is the one to have caused me to openly gripe.

and, as you might expect, it's to do with hojo.

i was always going to judge the entirety of this game by its handling of hojo, and so far i've been sorely disappointed. standing by what i said in my previous post about nostalgia and fandom goggles, i still believe there was more written into hojo in og than, say, scarlet and heideggar. and since remake did a decent job rounding out president shinra, i was hoping hojo would get similar treatment. so far though, it seems like they've gone the opposite way.

i try not to make too many comparisons to og because many characters are pointedly deviating away from their og characterisations (rufus seems a standout so far), but this point in og was importantly where hojo started shaping up to be more than the trope he began as. it was crucial that as soon as sephiroth reappeared, hojo abandoned shinra. in fact if memory serves, someone (heideggar or rufus?) even points this out in og - hojo's 'disappeared'. then when you see him in costa and cloud asks why he's there, hojo admits 'the same reason as you'. cloud was chasing sephiroth, so was hojo. and he was doing it without shinra because finding sephiroth wasn't on shinra's agenda - at least not at that point.

i was actually so hopeful and happy at the end of remake where the camera pans across the executives lined up in front of rufus, and hojo is decidedly missing - off laughing to himself...! excellent! that defiance seems to have led nowhere in rebirth!

you could argue that in rebirth, hojo decided to continue using shinra resources to go after sephiroth and he's still playing his own long game. doesn't change the fact that rufus was openly out to kill sephiroth now - so what did he tell hojo to make him stay, if hojo had wanted to leave? i mean, you could argue a lot of things to make things make things deeper. and maybe things will get deeper - i'm only halfway through rebirth after all - but rebirth hojo was still on the beach to capture the robes and study them. that single-minded drive and obsession with sephiroth just isn't present. it felt like the icing off the original cake. the bikini girls fawning on him, really fun! him throwing off-handed remarks about recruiting them for his sephiroth breeding program, noooooot... as fun! the whole shinra bigwig come to town, johnny being made to carry his briefcase and push crowds on the beach out of his way? ish! sort of a... dazzling superficial picking of what that scene originally was? did i laugh? yes! was i let down? also yes!

the other thing that really grated on me was the optional aerith dialogue, but that's no surprise - the whole aerith situation has been one big headache for me so far and promises to continue to be so. talk to aerith on the beach and she says a bunch of things about hojo culminating in 'i hate him'. oh. oh, like we really needed this explicitly said? you know, what i really loved about og here is twofold - 1. hojo doesn't appear to even remember aerith's name, which is such a good demonstrating of him not registering her as worthy of ifalna, compared to rebirth where hojo literally yells this at her during battle. this was one of the neat little consistent touches about og hojo - he didn't give a shit, but passively and dismissively - like, it's not so much he deliberately chose to harm others as he just didn't even register harming others as a concept, which made the few people and times he did choose to be sadistic stand out more. and 2. og aerith, instead of... any of the ugly things she could've said to and about hojo, asks him about her lineage and connection to sephiroth instead. how loaded does that make their relationship? that no matter what he did to her and her mother, she still registers him as a source of knowledge and felt pressed to ask him despite the subject being a particular sore point for her?

og aerith probably also hated hojo - i mean, that just makes sense. but the way that scene played out really sets precedent for more questions... what more? what else? which. i guess summarises a lot of the issues i have with rebirth so far. that whole sense of wonder is just not there. the game likes to hand you everything, tell you exactly what to think. this is often done at its detriment, because real complexity simply cannot be spoonfed! BUT - i have to keep reiterating - nostalgia and fandom goggles. they're grafted to my face and i can't take them off.

....so after all that, would you still like to hear about ilsabard? i realise i've just completely failed to answer all your questions but, thank you for allowing me to vent a little!

[remedyxtragedy]

IDIOSYNCRATIC EXCERPT (1) --

[The first proper interaction between Calixte & Quelq'un. You will notice throughout the book that who is narrating varies from character to character, but generally speaking the narrator is either in third person with Quelq'un who will be describing events and interactions between characters without directly involving himself, or in first person with Calixte who'll narrate everything from how he sees it only. It's something I will play with quite a lot, but here it's just from Quelq'un's perspective, and this is one of the very few occasions where the readers are given a glimpse into Quelq'un's actual thoughts and feelings]

His eyes lingered on me for a moment, empty and chilled with mystery, sharp and frigid enough it could almost pierce my heart with unease, and for a moment I actually felt myself shift uncomfortably at his stare--an unprofessional response I internally scolded myself for. This continued on for disturbingly long, until finally, out of habit I forced a smile passed my cynicism in attempt to crease the invisible suspense culminating between us, and only then did his gaze falter, his focus calmly shifting elsewhere and no longer did he mutter another word or freakily bore his eyes into my very soul. In that lonesome little corner on my right, he kept to himself and continued to face the landscape that welcomed him beyond the railing, and quickly making note of his very apparent disinterest in conversation, I wordlessly shifted away from him and also returned my attention to the sunset, still slightly shaken by the man's demeanor. Or more accurately actually, how easily he unsettled me--in a way no actor has accomplished before, and believe me, right off the top of my head I can name a good couple of unpleasant characters I've grown to dislike for their just skin crawling convictions and fancies, and yet the haunting plethora of disgraceful things they've confided in me simply do not pale in comparison to Calixte's cavernous gaze. I was torn between finding that deeply alarming, and deeply, deeply fascinating.

An awkward silence roused the moment as we both suddenly went quiet in thought. Well, that much I could say for myself, Mr. Stanhope on the other hand wore such little emotion or...semblance of anything on his face that it was awfully hard to tell whether he too was lost in his own wonderings or if he truly was just mindlessly basking in the scenery. I had to say, this was becoming exceedingly unusual--it was getting to a point of oddity I could no longer dismiss as just existential whiplash. Perhaps over the years I've simply matured to unfairly anticipate a certain, might I say even rational reaction, one conglomerate of fear, denial, and the occasional repulsion, from every new actor I've ever met to aid and foster. They cry, they swear, they crash to their knees and shake their fists vengefully at the sky--it's a whole thing, not always in that particular order, sometimes I've even been met with attempts of violence, but generally there's a course to their crisis that they fall into naturally--stages to their grief that always happen in a very precise order. Humans are always predictable like that, aren't they? Well, clearly not, given Calixte's reaction to everything thus far. Was it all really just a mask of indifference? A front so brilliantly fortified to hide the true terrors restlessly raging inside him that not even I can dissect it? But damn it, I've always had a knack for reading humans! Is a human even physically, mentally, and emotionally capable of appearing so numb and dead? Surely that would cause more damage than just letting your anguish faucet out of you organically. This man knows nothing of me, nor does he know anything of this world at the moment--as far as he's concerned, he gets nothing from channeling his all into this ridiculous tough guy guise. It's a more farcical sounding scenario, sure, but next to the disturbing reality of this actually being his genuine, raw response to his situation that's objectively absurd and frightening, I am more inclined to believe that's what's happening here.

Now that I think about it, he said something odd earlier, didn't he? 'This is all so familiar to me'. The statement in itself was one I've already heard all too many times before so it easily flew over my head, but in a moment of reflection, I find myself suddenly perturbed by just what he implying through those words. I already know long before I approach any newcomer that they will always share that sentiment with all the newcomers that have preceded them--they will always feel a resonation with this world, from the great ball of light that adorns the sky to the trees that stand triumphantly on the ground, they bear vivid memories of those things, at the very least. They are supposed to. Calixte has demonstrated the same, and thensome. Hardly are actors capable of confidently stating that what this world fuels of off, weaves, and declares as indubitably right is actually fundamentally wrong--they've nothing to compare this to, after all. Well, usually. Depending on the actor, how impenetrable their minds are to psychological wiping or how receptive they are to the memory altering properties of this haven, some can be a little more sturdy with their stances, but even then there is a glimmer of uncertainty lingering in their tones I always discern no matter how hard their try to bury it beneath their persistence. Calixte has surprised me tremendously in this regard, not only has he subverted my expectations entirely with his flagrantly unbothered attitude towards just about everything, but he's also carried a firmness in his stances through and through to the extent where I cannot definitively say that he's even slightly unsure in his reiterations that this world is 'built upon the perverse articles and dogma of an even more perverse madman'. Such a strange and specific way to phrase it too. Of course, I'm not allowed to give my thoughts on the...verity, so to speak, of that belief, but as far as stances go, that's the most downright and unequivocal.

But that can't be right. When there's a Newcomer, things are supposed to follow a strict and fixed sequence, nothing should be able to intervene in or change that design. And yet, his terror and apprehension is absent, he hasn't shed a single tear or wept a single pleadful cry, hasn't flailed to his knees in dramatic display and cursed the name he may associate with the sky for his predicament, and his face since he awoke here has been as blank and lifeless as a corpse. His acumen too, is beyond exceptional for a person who should be as reliant on me as an infant is to their father. There's no possible way he can carry his perceptions with that much assurance, unless...there's a chance, he does have something to compare this world to.

"Quelq'un."

The man only called my name, barely above normal volume, and even so, I instantly jolted at the sound of his voice--another unprofessional response I cursed silently at myself for. I had grown so accustomed to the silence that I wasn't prepared for the moment when someone finally broke it and I certainly wasn't expecting Calixte to be that person. I promptly recollected myself and straightened my posture, returning to my expression the same ear-to-ear smile that's become so synonymous with me as I leaned to face the young man who was now, again, gazing intensely at me. "Excuse me for my reaction, I assumed you didn't have anything left to say, and so I let my guard down, but it seems a few questions have occurred to you since then, yes?" I ask with honest curiosity. He did after all only inquire about the more basic and rudimentary things, so I do hope that he's right enough in the head to utilize my insight to his advantage while I'm still here. I'm unquestionably his greatest asset, and so far he's been meandering around that fact like it was irrelevant to him. Being bombarded with questions from the weak and wary was a luxury I never thought I'd be robbed of by this enigma of a human being.

Calixte simply nodded, his face still placid. "Yes. I thought about it, and there are a few things I need some further clarification on. After that, however, I promise I won't need your assistance anymore."

My eye twitched at that last statement defensively, not that he could really see under my diadem, but my frustration was still evident. My voice retains its jaunty air as I reply, albeit with a little spite, "Well, now, there's no need for such promises. I'm not some...manual you use once and toss in the garbage, alright? I am a valuable hand you may reach out to and shake at whim! This place, as endlessly brilliant as it is, it can be a tricky thing to navigate all alone. Never again will that burden encumber you as long as I am here."

I narrowed my eyes and studied his features intently for some sign of reassurance, gratitude, or any hint of cognition that would confirm that he actually has a heart thumping inside him, but alas his face was not only completely devoid of all emotion but he also couldn't have looked any less interested in my heartfelt tangent.

There was a peculiar mix of sarcasm and legitimacy to his tone. "Right. It's not like I haven't heard that rigmarole before."

No matter how genuine he was being, that was all the confirmation I needed to ground my fears in reality. In my disbelief, the extent of Calixte's syndrome was beginning to dawn on me fully. And suddenly I was so much more alarmed by him than I was fascinated, his presence now more than ever before radiating a quality of error and irregularity I long since thought was a figment of fable.

Outwardly, my grin remained charming and wide, still as warm as warm gets and perfectly suited for the conversation. Inwardly, all at the same time, I was a panicked mess, my mind groveling skittishly at the notion of what this man may be and was proving to be as the seconds ticked by. Could it really be...?

There was a brief pause before he continued. "It's come to my attention that there are more of me, Quelq'un."

My eyes widened under my diadem. I held my breath anxiously. "Wha...Whatever do you mean?"

His look became impatient, as if he was expecting me to already know what he meant. "The hell do you mean, 'whatever do you mean?' Other actors, obviously."

I froze in confused contemplation. A wave of relief was about to wash over me but I quickly held it off in precaution. Either I was the silly one here for allowing wild speculations to clog my thinking or he was intentionally messing with me. Who am I kidding though? I'm probably overthinking his intuitiveness entirely and mistaking it for...something that's long since been debunked. I began to feel impatient with myself for how frantic I just got over an implausible string of worries. A response that was, yet again, incredibly unprofessional of me--and rightfully, I dug my nails through my glove and into my wrist for it. "Oh, yes, yes! Forgive me, I...often have my head in the clouds. More importantly, what is it that you would like to know about your fellow actors? There are many details about your colleagues or competition, however you wish to view them, that I can go on about, just ask."

He clearly already had his questions thoroughly planned out in his head because without sparing a single second, he replied, "How does one discern the friends from the enemies?"

I chuckle and tilt my head curiously, intrigued by his choice of question. "Well, that's, ah, very straight to the point."

His tone was blunt and abrasive. "I'm a simple man, Qeulq'un. There's something I'm meant to do here, something else besides reuniting with the very woman this world tore me away from, and therefore I believe strongly it's in my best interest that I make haste recognizing the crowds that'll bolster me farther, the ones that'll only hinder me, which people I ought to treat as targets, and which I'll properly name my enemies and keep closer than my friends. And, oh, am I certain--that I will have a lot of enemies. I can already name a couple few, starting with you."

AAAAAAAnd that's where Imma leave it off. Man, I need to do this way more. And I will. I want--no, I need to hear people's feedback. So please, share your thoughts, doesn't even need to be particularly detailed or profound. Feedback is feedback, but ta-ta for now anyways

[myloveforhergoeson]

ash's march 2024 reading round up

find all the books and fics i read this month under the cut with a link to the synopsis and my reviews/ratings attached :)

this is just for fun! i'm not a professional, i just like to read <3

booklist!

The Mistake by Elle Kennedy (18+)

• review: good book, fun read! nothing extraordinary but entertaining nonetheless, but i did struggle because the two main characters share the names of a few of my best friends... weird. anyway, i'm such a sucker for a second-chance romance, as logan and grace have in this novel after they're on the path to a relationship, but logan can't seem to get over the girl his best friend is dating... after a summer apart, both of them return to college and find themselves getting mixed up in each others business, which allows for time to reevaluate and find out together just what went wrong! love seeing a man grovel after he makes a mistake lol. but, again, it was a fun read, nothing super special or groundbreaking and i think elle kennedy has some internalized misogyny she needs to work out which comes through a bit in her writing sometimes. i don't think women in romance novels should always be put through terrible situations to culminate in a moment of love-clarity, but that's just me. that scene told me more about logan's character than grace's, which was nice to see him stand up for her and her friend, but still. hurt to read a bit. i am also slightly worried for graces' future as a therapist. she has absolutely no empathy when logan was opening up about his struggles with his father's alcoholism - to her credit, he wasn't telling her everything, not that he needs to, but still... regardless, i thought these two were cute. even after he blew her off big time in the beginning, he worked to prove he made a mistake and actively worked to better himself. i thought graces' list of things he needed to do to win her over was adorable - i wish there was more time spent on seeing him complete these tasks! the ramona (grace's kind of best friend) side plot was interesting but i was very caught off guard with how it was resolved... but! still enjoyed this book nonetheless~

• tw: depictions and scenes around alcoholism in a side character, side character held at party against her will

• rating: 3/5 boxes of blonde hair dye it must've taken grace to dye her hair

2. Happy Place by Emily Henry (18+ish)

• review: oh my god oh my god oh my GOD!!!!!!!! no book i've ever read has had such an emotional grip on me. i must've cried like five separate times while reading this book - not because it's sad, but because i found myself identifying with so many of the themes (and also because i may or may not have been going through it at the time of reading). this is a beautifully written tale about two ex-fiances, wyn and harriet, reuniting five months after their break up to join their friends on their yearly vacation to their favorite place in the world - a beach house in maine! - without telling anyone they've broke up. now, they must play the part of the once-happy couple they were in order to keep the peace and not ruin everyone's vacation. seeing how family, friendship, growing up, moving apart, grief, and not listening to one's heart affected each character absolutely gutted me in ways i was not expecting at all. like i said, i identified with so many of these themes, and the way they're all interwoven throughout the book is so masterful it literally brought me to tears. and not like silent streaks, i was sobbing at some parts. i also really loved that the book was told between two time periods: the present or "real life" and the past or "happy/dark place" so we could see the full span of wyn and harrys relationship, the connections they made with their friends, and how important each and every character is to each other. the scenes of the past felt so nostalgic, like i was there with everyone as friendships, and subsequently relationships, developed. the scenes from the present were just as comforting, even with all their real-life struggles. oh, yeah, and it was a romance novel. dubs for the second chance romance this month! anyway this one absolutely wrecked me and i cannot recommend it enough; one of my favorite books of all time! i could literally talk about it forever, but i'll stop here for now!

• rating: 5/5 times i stained the pages w my tears <3

3. Do Your Worst by Rosie Danan (18+)

• ok. lots to say about this one too but for different reasons lol. overall, i love the concept of this book. an archaeologist (clark) attempting to hit his big break after a rough patch, a curse breaker (riley) hired at the same site because the castle they're excavating has not let anyone discover much about it for hundreds of years, scottish folklore, romance... on paper this is a perfect book for someone like me, who loves both archaeology and the supernatural. however. i do not think that the concept of enemies to lovers really works in modern settings. i really think i've only enjoyed that trope in fantasy settings, but that's just me. like, you're telling me she straight up threatens him with a knife in the first 30 pages and he didn't immediately call the cops on her? he tries to humiliate her not even two chapters later? she breaks into his camper a chapter later? like yall... this isn't even enemies to lovers these guys just straight up hate each other. besides that, i thought the concept was fun. the curse placed upon the castle hundreds of years ago was on a romeo-and-juliet type couple and ended up affecting clark and riley in the same way, hence the enemies to lovers aspect. i thought the castle pushing them to be together to make up for what happened in the past was really cute! that being said the book specifically called out the enemies to lovers trope by name like eight separate times. it made me want to scream! we know that's whats going on, no need to repeat it! and i love a good modern reference, but im not sure four separate criminal minds shout outs were necessary. i love matthew gray gubler too but i do not need that to be randomly thrown in for no apparent reason. the book was really slow to start, i don't think i was really interested until about halfway through. also, i'll say it. some people really aren't meant to be together and i think those people are riley and clark. physical chemistry does not equal emotional chemistry and his confession really just came out of nowhere - i was so jarred. overall, weak characters, okay cringe millennial writing, and very interesting, detailed, and well thought out plot. there were some really great parts that made me blush or laugh out loud!

• 2.5/5 times clark made a comment no self respecting archaeologist would ever make...

fic list!

learning to love by autisticbarbie (3k)

• fandom: big time rush (tv)

• pairing: james diamond/original male character

• yall... such a cute one shot. literally had me giggling and kicking my feet and shit while reading. very well written too; i was so invested!!

this was the only fic i finished this month because i typically go for longer stories! (sorry to the two Inuyasha one shots i read and forgot to bookmark...)

but, i just started an incredibly long dr who/ofc fic called lost in time by whovianeverlark17 on wattpad and, as always, i'm reading icegirl2772's james diamond/ofc story take a shot in the dark on ao3! i'm not at the point where i've read enough of the first to recommend, but if you're a fan of btrtv fics take a shot in the dark is definitely for you!!!!!!! i love you oc fics i love you!

[sostrangerous]

l*ser's br*cket has been so... disappointing for me too. they did all this build up for the wedding and then essentially nothing happened? they couldn't even be bothered writing out the best men's speeches? it was one big scene of going "thing happened then thing happened then thing happened. the end <3". not to mention the latest chapter (idk if you've read it yet so um. spoilers for that ahead) but it was such an utter anti climax. after all this will-they-won't-they instead of bursting it open it felt like a slow diffusion for no reason... i think nahyck is one of the pairs in dream that have a lot of good tension like that even as their default irl, and it's totally being wasted here. IDK. it's the midpoint, so ofc there's a lull before the next rising tension, i just find it weird to have your lull in your gay romance fic be the culmination of the gay romance. LMAO. hopefully things pick back up soon, but the fact that it's meant to be a nahyck hating each other fic and they've basically been best buds for the last 80k i think proves the point basically. just like how markno's family brought no drama to the wedding, there's been a distinct neatness to something that really should be much messier. if that's to come in the chapters ahead then like, why even bother making the fic so much about the wedding? lol

im not sure how I feel about criticizing fic bc it feels a bit mean but also art is art and nobody reads this blog anyway so, LOL

I agree so hard about the neatness of the story. I realized that this fic is about well adjusted people being mature around eachother, which is not compelling to me. Admittedly I think I also write characters who are well adjusted to a somewhat silly degree (even fyck Mark. considering the shit he's dealing with, I think he handles stuff really well. Or at the very least, he could be a lot worse)

anyway!! yeah this fic is simply too long and slow and sweet for me. Slice of life isn't my thing at all and I'm an impatient horny fuck so slow burn irritates me

and as previously stated, the fact that the wedding is so normative aggravates me due to who I am as a person. I'm glad they didn't write out the best man speeches though, speeches are lame. But also I think the revelation that jeno was wearing a corset is the perfect example of what I mean. It's not kinky or naughty to wear a corset, put that boy in a collar for his wedding and I'd be interested. A picturesque color coded matching suit wedding (with family in attendance) is just too... cis? normie? i don't know how to put it

I really hope they do something with haechans relationship with his family though because the tension there is killing me. Don't tell me it's fine!!! Don't fucking tell me this status quo is fine I can't handle it. Let haechan rage, let his mom be a piece of shit to him. I'm not closeted to my mom but I don't talk to her about my sexuality and it's uncomfortable and it sucks. I want to see that awkward, not quite good enough but I love you anyway, how could you ever do that to me, why do you pretend it never hurt me kind of relationship. Parents and kids man

[gae-blog]

I haven't beaten every boss in Shadow of the Erdtree yet, but I'm at the end and my thoughts on the game have solidified (no spoilers on bosses or story content, just general gameplay and design)

SotE feels like one step forward and one step back compared to the base game. The dlc improves upon many of the good elements of the original while failing to address, and compounding upon, the issues that ruined the last third of the base game for me.

From an aesthetic and "exploration" point of view, the dlc is a noticeable improvement. The environments feel more varied and memorable, the bosses' designs are some of the best Fromsoft has put out, and, even though you'll still be spending a lot of time exploring caves and catacombs, much more effort has clearly gone into making those environments distinct and fun.

I have plenty of complaints with the dlc, such as the copy and paste field bosses (which I will rant about if prompted), but most of my problems center around the fact that I do not the boss fights very much. They feel difficult for the sake of being difficult, like Fromsoft bought into their reputation for hard games and so felt the need to "up the ante" with every single fight. They suffer from all the flaws that I disliked about Elden Ring's later bosses, but where those was limited to the last couple fights, ever major boss in the dlc seems to suffer from them now. To list some of the things I do not like about SotE's bosses:

The camera is the worst it's ever been in any souls game. This is (hopefully) not intentional difficulty, but it means that a lot of bosses are as much a fight to see what's going on as it is to dodge attacks, which isn't helped by:

Attacks that favour flashiness and spectacle over visual clarity, making them extremely difficult to parse

Bosses do incredibly high damage, meaning you'll often get two-shot even with 60 vigor and appropriate Scadutree Blessings (which are their own can of worms)

All bosses have extremely high poise. Malenia was... Malenia, but at least once you learned her moveset, you could create openings by being aggressive and staggering her. That is not the case in the dlc

Very small punish windows, even after (extremely) long combos, with only enough time to heal or do 1-2 attack before the start of another combo

Sometimes bosses will end their combos on the other side of the arena, so by the time you run into range they've already started their next attack

50/50 fast-slow mixups and optional combo follow-ups

Every boss seems to be wearing heelys and have perfect tracking without corresponding animations, meaning that they will skate forward to hit you no matter where you stand, trivializing positioning

It feels like every boss was designed with hit trading in mind if you want to beat them in any reasonable amount of time

All of this culminates to make bosses feel like an ordeal (and not in the good way). When I beat a boss, I didn't feel like it was because I had mastered their moveset, I felt like I just got lucky. If you made me fight Genichiro, or any Sekiro boss, I'm confident I could beat them first try, because I know those fights and I have them figured out. If you asked me to do the same for any SotE boss, I don't think I could.

I don't feel qualified to call this objectively bad boss design, and a lot of people seem to be enjoying the bosses, but I can say that I do not like the direction that Fromsoft is going in. Comparing any fight in the dlc to something like Gael's fight feels like a night and day difference in boss philosophy. I think that Fromsoft is running up against the limitations of their own fight design, and they need to either take a step back and return to their roots, or they need to give the player more defensive options in order to keep up with the bosses (AKA make Sekiro 2 you cowards).

I did ultimately enjoy the dlc despite how much I've complained, but it's only reaffirmed the opinion I had when I finished the base game: I really hope Fromsoft's next game isn't another open world souls, because if it's going to have all the same flaws as Elden Ring and SotE then I can't really bring myself to be excited about it.

[crackinthecup]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Tagged by @elevenelvenswords - thank you so much, friend <3 (and apologies for taking forever to get round to this!)

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

49 in total.

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

456,188 words.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Mainly Silmarillion. I have dabbled in Star Wars and Dark Souls too, plus a D.Gray-man fic I wrote for a friend purely based on what she told me about the characters as I've never read the manga or watched the anime.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

My top one is Yield to the Moment, which is completely fair enough as it's a beast of a fic and by far the longest multi-chapter I've ever written. The next two are Strange New World and A bond once called fealty, part of my Swords series looking at Melkor and Mairon post-Dagor Dagorath. Then we've got The Metal Cage which is pure PWP (chastity play/CBT) and I am very glad people are having fun with it. And fifth is A quiet sort of introspection, a Melkor-centric character study also set in the Swords 'verse.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yep! I think it's only fair to reply to people if they've taken the time to share their thoughts about something I've written. Plus it can turn into a really fun thinking space to play around with ideas about characters!

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Ohhh I have to think about this one. I don't know if I tend to write particularly angsty endings? Maybe High and Higher? Which is a Fallen Banners ficlet set in Gondolin after Maeglin's return from Angband where he feels like he doesn't quite fit into his life anymore.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Yield to the Moment, probably! The wedding felt like a happy culmination of all the work they'd been putting into themselves and each other.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

It's happened a few times, yeah. But generally people seem to take a "ship and let ship" stance to fandom.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Quite a lot of smut haha. Honestly I'd describe my particular brand of smut as a thinly veiled excuse for a psychological study of the characters.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Haven't written any crossovers yet.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge, thankfully.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

A couple, yeah, back in 2015-ish when I first started writing for the Silm fandom. Sadly I took down all those old fics at a time when my mental health wasn't amazing (wish I hadn't), and I'm not sure if the translations still exist anywhere.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

YTTM started out as a co-written project.

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

Will have to go with Angbang here. They just seem to speak to a deep deep part of my psyche.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I've got a very rough WIP about Mairon bonding with Tar-Míriel in Númenor that I don't feel super engaged with anymore.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Characterisation, I hope! I've always been drawn to writing as a way to explore what makes characters tick, why they do the things they do. I also really enjoy coming up with fun ways to describe things.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Everything can always be improved, I suppose! At the moment I think I'm mindful that I find it difficult sometimes to end fics in ways that feel punchy or memorable.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

Totally on board with it when used thoughtfully as a plot device or a way to add depth to characters.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Oh goodness, I think it was Harry Potter back when I was 13 or 14. Those fics will not be seeing the light of day haha.

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

Hmm I don't actually like reading my own stuff very much. It's a bit of a struggle to switch off the perfectionism. That said, YTTM has a special place in my heart. It took a lot of time, a lot of thought, and sometimes a lot of effort, and while I'm not 100% happy with it, I am glad that I got it over the finish line and that I had a chance to tell a story I really wanted to tell.

[bleachbleachbleach]

Sorry if you've already been asked these for A03 meme: 3. What work are you most proud of (regardless of kudos/hits)? and 29. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?

AO3 Wrapped Meme

3. What work are you most proud of

I am lucky to feel proud of all the Bleach fics I wrote this year (which cannot be said of the two non-Bleach fics I wrote this year LOL). But I'm probably most proud of D O N K I because I spent the most time with it and it took the most work. I love the opening with Orihime's weird little neighbor way more than is necessary; I felt like I was writing the first chapter of an entire novel about that guy. I love the Worm TV. I love Orihime and Hitsugaya's shopping trip. I'm proud of being able to make connections between Hitsugaya and Orihime even as they're living incredibly separate lives at that moment. Hitsugaya isn't even mentally present for half the fic because he's thinking about Hinamori, a person he explicitly does not explain to Orihime; and Orihime herself is very much focused on her impending trip to Soul Society to train with Rukia--a plan she also doesn’t disclose to Hitsugaya until the very end--but they still manage to be the person each needs that night.

29. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?

I tried to think back and be like, okay, what piece do I really, really remember at the level of the line, or language? One that comes to mind is this one, from From Afar:

"This Aizen guy," Toushirou says, taking another sip of his tea. "He inspires you?"

Hinamori nods. She stares at the leaf fragments at the bottom of her cup. There are futures written in them, somewhere.

"Because he has good handwriting." Toushirou peers up at her wittingly, and oh, she could smack him.

"Because Aizen-taichou taught us all how to do the same," Hinamori specifies.

Toushirou looks thoughtful for a moment, then nods.

They don't speak for a long time. With the sun beginning to set, the puppets aren't telling stories anymore. They've begun to wander, moved by drunkenness or independent spirit, soliciting kan from anyone who seems wont to give it. By dusk, the stories are well past having broken apart. There will be more come morning.

It’s just a piece of casual conversation--not a culmination of anything or a scene that’s intended as a big moment. Hitsugaya and Hinamori are just drinking tea at the tail-end of a weird puppet festival. But I really like it, because from a backstage perspective it was really, really fun to put together.

Because I got to think about what is possibly my favorite dang scene to think about in this entire manga, LOL, Hitsugaya and Hinamori’s first conversation where Hitsugaya, among other things, cautions Hinamori about 3rd Division and Aizen going out for walks alone:

[Bleach 101]

Because Hitsugaya refers to him as “Aizen no yatsu.” This ensorcels me because it feels either way more familiar than we have any reason to believe Hitsugaya and Aizen are--they aren’t bros?!?--or, failing that, unnecessarily rude, because Aizen is his well-regarded milquetoast colleague.

The “Aizen no yatsu” feeds my reading of the scene that Hitsugaya is specifically trying to let Hinamori know that he’s telling these things to her as a friend, not as 10th captain. And I felt like it would make all the sense in the world if this is a way he’s referred to Aizen since long before he ever met him, was ever 10th captain, was ever planning to meet him. Where Aizen is just some guy Hinamori talks about an awful lot about.

So here’s bb Hitsugaya at some rando puppet festival in Junrinan, asking after “Aizen no yatsu” and referencing the AIZEN CALLIGRAPHY CLASS that Hinamori loves so much (read: that I love so much), so that 35 years later, when he tells Hinamori to be cautious when Aizen goes out walking alone, it is that type of moment and that relationship he means to evoke as context. 

Are these the connections the reader is expected to make in this scene in the fic? I would not expect that, no, LOL. I mean, first of all, Hitsugaya doesn’t even call him “Aizen no yatsu,” because the fic is written in English, and the translation “this Aizen guy” is less specific. This was for me. This was very much 100% for me and my obsession with this panel. XDDDD 

If this scene has an intended takeaway outside of Hitsugaya and Hinamori getting to spend time together, it’s that Hinamori tells us a little bit about why she loves Aizen as much as she does. It’s not just that he’s super powerful, or even that he’s nice. It’s that he is so willing to teach, to share that knowledge. And Hinamori wants to learn.

[darksideofthemuse]

What did you think of AkiAudreyMax's storyline in season 2? What do you think they were going for, with the way they were written in the series finale? What would have happened in a season 3? What do you wish that had happened with them? What storylines could have been explored? I really like your writing of them. Going through all of your stories right now.

Hey anon, thank you so much for your message and your kind words about my writing, it made me grin like an idiot and also reminded me I should go edit the remaining chapters in a fic I'm writing now.

My answer turned out to be very long, so the rest of my ramblings are below the cut.

Overall, when I think about Aki, Audrey and Max storyline in season 2, it just kind of makes me sad. I've read the interview with Safran saying the trio were supposed to be endgame, so that's nice to know and I think they would have got back together by end of season 3. I have no clue how the show writers would have gone about that, because personally I think they wrote themselves into a bit of a corner at the end of season 2 by leaving Audrey and Aki together. I think the writers should have broken all of them up at the end of season 2 and not just because of the pact they made, but because we spent all of season 1 watching Aki and Audrey trying to figure out why their relationship no longer works and, in the end, they realise it doesn't work, because they both want to be with Max too, that's their whole season 1 arc. So then to end season 2 with Audrey and Aki being a couple and everything is great between them is redundant and not very interesting from a viewer's perspective, and from within the story, it strengthens Max's viewpoint, that he was just something extra for them to spice up their relationship rather than an equal partner in a relationship. So, then it is much harder to write a continuation of that story, because Audrey and Aki did the one thing that Max was scared, they would do. So, I don't know how they would have earned Max's trust back in the show, but it probably would not have felt earned, because it's such a big betrayal of Max's trust. 

In general, up until the end of season 2, I liked the trio’s storyline, the exploration of their relationship and various insecurities they all had, so I was happy with it. Some of the stories could have lasted a few more episodes instead of being wrapped up neatly by the end of each episode, but I thought it made sense that Max was unhappy with Audrey and Aki by the end of the season, because it did feel sometimes like Aki and Audrey were still a unit and Max was on the outside, so when he gets angry with them and breaks up, it made sense to me. The main thing I would have changed about the end of season 2 would have been that once Max breaks up with them, Aki and Audrey decide they want to stay together and betray the pact, but then when we see them a few months later in Italy, they're unhappy, maybe snapping at each other, there’s constant tension between them that culminates in Aki and Audrey also breaking up, because they don't work as a couple, as they've learned in season 1. And then in season 3, during the next school year, they're all on their own, pinning for each other. That way Max's trust would have still been betrayed, but the fact that Aki and Audrey could not last together, would also show to Max that he was equally important in that relationship, because even though Audrey and Aki wanted to stay together, they couldn't do it without him. So, I would have liked to see something along those lines! And then of course a happy ending by the end of the show, I believe those crazy kids care about each other and could have made it work 😊

I know the show is about high-schoolers, but in ideal world I would have liked to see them older and still together, how they navigate the difficulties of a somewhat unconventional relationship as they grow older. Being in a relationship with one other person can be hard enough, so a relationship with two people can be twice as difficult sometimes! I guess that’s why I’ve written quite a bit about the trio being in college in my fic, because I’m more interested in that future aspect. It’s also been more than a decade since I’ve been a teenager, so I can remember better what it’s like being in your mid-20s!

Thanks for the ask again anon, it’s been nice to imagine what could have been on the show and ramble about them 😊  

[softersinned-arc]

@balldwin said: a last kiss before one goes away

"And you have to leave?"

He is patient as ever, looking equal parts amused by her reluctance to let him go without a spectacular sulk and reluctant to leave her himself. "Yes. I have to go."

"And I have to stay here?" The tone of Astoria's voice suggests that she's not about to listen to what anyone says she has to do, and he knows her well enough to interpret it as just that. Baldwin lets out a laugh at that, winding an arm around her shoulders and pulling her close enough that he can drop a kiss to her temple.

"You could try and join me," he answers honestly, "but my father's given orders, and he's not a man who suffers insubordination."

She sighs, this time sounding agitated to the point of murderous. "Fuck your father," she says shortly, "and fuck his orders," and she's about to let loose other (rather colorful) commentary on her father-in-law when Baldwin's laughter returns, a rich rumble she feels in her chest. Oh, she'll miss that sound. She draws herself up to her full height, attempting to look somewhat menacing despite the way she has to crane her neck to meet his eyes. "What are you laughing at?"

"You are," he chuckles, grinning widely, "a de Clermont woman now, through and through," and she's met Ysabeau and Stasia and Freyja enough now to recognize that for the compliment it is. Stubborn, willful, challenging. The sort of woman that made the family beg Philippe to stop creating daughters, or, at the very least, a woman fit to share their name. If she listens closely, she thinks she can hear the distant peal of Philippe's laughter as he no doubt eavesdrops.

From a practical perspective she knows that she's better here, at Sept-Tours. She's still young; two centuries of life is hardly any time when facing the potential of thousands. And Baldwin is the eldest living son, the head of the family should anything (God forbid) happen to Philippe; and as his wife, she'll follow in Ysabeau's footsteps as the de Clermont matriarch. She'll be responsible for the running of the house, for the care of the family, for him. And now, with the men gone, is as good a time as any to learn.

When he explained what it meant to be his mate, fifty years before, he'd been careful to emphasize that it was choice. That what they were was not fate, or nature, but choice: her choice to love him, to remain with him, to dedicate herself to him above all else, as he did for her. The moment she became his wife was the culmination of those choices. The pull she felt towards him, the physical need, was the result, not the cause; still, it feels like something larger than her own capacity for decisions is bleeding at the thought of him leaving.

A year, at least. Perhaps longer. What is she meant to do in the meantime? She'll write, of course, and so will he, but she fears his scent will fade from her things, that this raw ache in her chest will only become worse with each moment they're apart. She'd always thought the Christian mystics mad but she understands now the religious devotion to something greater than herself, and the fearful agony of being parted from it.

She hears a wordless, impatient shout, and Baldwin sighs, lets his eyes move from her face towards the source. "You have to go," she says, "I know. I don't like it, but I know."

He bows his head forward, buries his nose in her hair, breathes in as deeply as he can. His fingers tangle in the mess of her loose curls, and for a moment she wonders if he'll leave at all.

"Make sure you miss me dreadfully," she instructs him sternly, and she feels him chuckle against her hair. "Come back to me quickly, and safely, and mine."

Fifty years. Fifty years she's had him, and fifty years they've spent together; were she still mortal it would barely be what she could fit into a single lifetime. Now, it's barely a blink of an eye. If she has to sacrifice some time with him, so be it; she'll have endless time when he returns.

"I love you." Astoria fists her hands in the lapels of his coat and she looks up at him as he straightens. "More than I could say no matter how much time we had. Promise me."

"I will come back," he swears, and he takes her face in his hands and kisses her fiercely. "And I love you."

She closes the distance between them again, already feeling an aching emptiness at the thought of his absence, and only the impatient clearing of Ysabeau's throat from across the courtyard can make either of them move.

She watches him leave, stands rooted to the spot until he's past the horizon.

[winged-paki]

Hi! I really like your fic, I admire the way you write and describe the emotions of the characters. If it's among your possibilities, I would like you to give me some tips for writing (dialogues, scenarios, emotions, narrative arc, etc) I would also like to start writing that way, as if you know the characters personally.

Aww, thank you so much anon! I'm not sure how much concrete advice I can give - I'm not a very experienced writer, especially not when it comes to longer stories like chartreuse - but I can try. Forgive my lack of brevity, I have never once been concise.

I usually write what I know. I write about emotions I've felt before and things that I've been through, and I write dialogue like how I and those around me naturally speak. I try to be an introspective/observant person so I can pick up on how people speak or describe their feelings, and how my own thoughts/emotions manifest in me. All of that makes writing conversations and emotions very clear to me.

I plan out my long stories in advance. Those plans change A LOT... but I think making them in the first place is necessary to keep your story goal-oriented rather than meandering. My plans have three elements: general plot movement, emotional/character arcs, and a scene-by-scene play-out of each chapter. The first and last elements change a lot, but the character arcs usually stay consistent, so I'm able to write those emotional journeys with the endgoal and major moments already in mind.

Perspective is a huge one for me. I think part of conveying a character's emotions is removing the barrier between the character and the audience, even when writing from third person. I try to minimize my use of phrases like "she felt" and "she thought" in emotional moments which kind of pull the audience out of the character's head, and focus on raw hyperbolic imagery, physical sensations, metaphors, and so on like a real-time thought process.

Here's a paragraph I like:

"Normally, they could compartmentalize. They could dissociate. They’d be shaky and skittish, sure, but at least they wouldn’t keep seeing—keep hearing—keep feeling those gutwrenching memories churn in a zoetrope before their eyes and under their skin. That fucking cosplay couple, who Shiver let their guard down around and trusted too much despite Frye’s quiet warning—the way they kissed like hellfire, the way the audience shrieked itself hoarse for them—the way Shiver had felt like their skin was melting, like their blood was boiling oil, the way Frye looked so desolate as she watched, helpless, a corpse walking—"

I tried to show Shiver's panic here through short choppy sentences and jumbled-up ideas and wild imagery. It doesn't quite feel like we're being told how Shiver feels so much as we're experiencing their thoughts ourselves. That, I think, is the difference between the audience knowing how the characters feel and the audience feeling that same shit too.

Regarding emotions, I love contradictions. I think that's the juiciest thing you can do to a character. Frye feeling torn between wanting to be honest to her fans and wanting to support her partner, Shiver feeling torn between loving their partner and fearing intimacy with her, Big Man loving his friends but growing fed up with their bullshit... all this cognitive dissonance can culminate in really explosive fights, dramatic conversations, arguments and makeups, and other fun stuff.

I like to ensure everyone expresses their emotions differently. Shiver compartmentalizes and dissociates. Frye gets anxious and sometimes belligerent. Big Man's anger is quiet and deadly. (At least until the most recent chapter, where Shiver and Frye's "anger styles" switch as a testament to how abnormal they've become.)

I think every scene/scenario should play a legit role in the plot and emotional development of the characters. I construct most scenarios based off how they move plot/characters forward, and also try to ensure I don't become overly repetitive in the situations I show. So that necessitates many settings, characters, behaviors, communication styles, etc.

A big part of how I write like I know the characters personally is spending a lot of time with them. I think about them a lot, even when I'm not writing/planning, and I flesh out their personalities, reactions to situations, interactions with others, etc. in my head. I especially like to focus on what makes my characters different. How are Shiver and Frye different from each other? How are the chartreuse chatroom girls different from each other? Stuff like that.

I'll edit this post if anything more occurs to me <3 sorry for the enormous post, thank you for the question, and I hope this is somewhat helpful to you!

[charred-angel-ribs]

Ok, I'm back at it again, so let's go 👉👉.

Alright, so it's well established that the world of HLVRAI takes place within a videogame. The characters are not aware of this (aside from Coomer, who realises in Act 4), or at least as far as I understand anyway.

I don't think that Benry was the bad guy. I think he genuinely didn't mean harm (hold on, let me explain).

So, whenever one of the characters "dies", they just respawn and return like nothing happened. On top of that, none of the science team (bar Gordon) are really human. Coomer and Bubby were experiments, Benry is an inhuman entity, and Tommy is Gman's son (his little eldritch horror, if you will - little side track, I imagine if Tommy were an eldritch horror, it would be something like a biblical angel?). Gordon is human.

Now, in my head, they somehow live together, in the same world. I haven't thought it through much, maybe Gman pulls Gordon into the computer or something, cause he's Gman.

Gordon is human. He does not respawn. If he dies, he dies permanently. The science team, however, don't get this. They've all spent pretty much their whole lives in or around Black Mesa, so they don't know any different. As far as they're aware, everyone just respawns. Sure, it hurts to die, just like any other injury, but they can walk it off.

Dr. Coomer and Bubby are old, and have died a lot, so they're used to it. Coomer is more seasoned to it than Bubby, because he felt everything his clones felt, so he's pretty much completely unphased by it. Bubby hasn't had as much experience with it, so he thinks he's fine with it, and then when he faces it, decides he actually isn't fine with it. I imagine it's like if you got punched in the face a lot - sure, you are probably more seasoned to it than others, but that doesn't mean it hurts any less, and you aren't exactly gonna want to be punched in the face, whether it's your first (1st) time or your hundreth (100th).

Also, Coomer's clones die permanently because they weren't independent of the original Coomer, so he absorbs them and their power when they die, eventually culminating into a whole Coomer.

Tommy is young, and hasn't died much - Gman has tried to make sure of that - so he is still scared of death. Not as in dying forever, but because it really hurts. Like, a lot. I mean, it's death.

And, of course, Benry is Benry.

Wayne said in the commentary that he didn't think they understood the permanence of when they killed someone, they died forever. I agree with that, they didn't understand, because they whole heartedly believed that they would come back, just as a normal part of life.

Throughout the series, Gordon expresses very strongly that he doesn't want to die. I imagine that the others just take that as he's like Tommy in that he's not very used to it, and so is scared of it.

When Dr. Coomer realises it's a game in Act 4, he starts to get scared, because his whole world was rendered fake, which is scary, and that's when he realised that Gordon was scared to die, not because he wasn't used to it, but because he died permanently.

Now, Benry, as we know, is a security guard at Black Mesa. He asks for Gordon's passport, Gordon doesn't have it, Benry follows him around, you know how it goes.

I think Benry is autistic. No I will not elaborate. Anyway, when he says he's just doing his job, I think he is being serious. As an autistic person, if someone doesn't tell me that I'm allowed to do something, I won't do it - I do my best to follow the rules given to me. I know that if I were in Benry's position, I would do the same thing. If it was new company policy as of that day, they may not have been briefed on what to do if something doesn't go to plan. So, he does the best he can think of - follow him around to make sure he doesn't do anything bad.

Gordon keeps defying Benry, because he's scared and stressed out, Benry gets upset by this, and eventually it all builds to Act 4. Benry, because he's upset with Gordon, wants to kill him. And this is where the aforementioned death thing comes in. Benry wants to kill Gordon in the same way that you might hit someone you're really mad with - it hurts them, but they're ultimately fine (I don't condone doing this, it's just an example).

Benry isn't aware that if he kills Gordon, he will be dead and gone for good. And after the finale, and Black Mesa is no more, Benry is genuinely friends with them all afterwards, because that's not his job anymore, so he can be chill with them now. Gordon takes a while to come around to him, but once Coomer explains to everyone that Gordon doesn't respawn, and explains to Gordon that they didn't know he couldn't respawn and that they meant well, he eventually warmed up to Benry.

Benry wasn't the bad guy. He really meant well.

Anyway, Tommy figured out how to transfer them all out of the computer and they're all roomates in Gordon's house. They're happy, they have movie nights, Benry always suggests "All Dogs Go To Heaven: 2", they always have soda in the fridge, Coomer and Bubby spar from time to time, Joshua teaches them all sign language (he's non-verbal and autistic, you can't change my mind), Benry loves it, they do a lot of baking, arts & crafts, games, Sunkist barely fits on the couch, Joshua loves her and lays all over her (I get this from my little brother who does this with our dog - he's a huge dog, same colour as Sunkist, very calm but exitable), Darnold and Forzen just kinda go off and do their own thing, but they meet up with the science team to hang out every now and again, and all's well that ends well.