#and it feels like every time i see my grandparents they're shitting on everything i do

[embv]

GOD my mom frustrates me so much :( help me

[intheholler]

what do you think of all of the people being scared of appalachia? i don't know if this is recent or not, but currently i've been seeing a ton of shit online like "never go to the appalachian mountains, it's so dangerous", and i just don't understand it. my family's lived in appalachia for forever, and none of us have experienced anything paranormal or endangering to us. you're one of my favorite blogs on here and i'd just like to hear your thoughts on it

first off, it means a lot that i'm one of your favorite blogs and im really happy i can contribute something to your experience here :') thanks so much for being here <333

but ok so.

my thoughts on it are many. it's been bothering me a long time and i've been meaning to get it off my chest. this will be long and probably ranty, so it won't hurt my feelings if anyone skims lol

lemme preface this little diatribe by saying the obvious: folklore is an integral part of any culture. the mythos of a place/people is tied directly to their histories and unique experiences and struggles and they are enriching. this is true of appalachia too.

oral folk traditions especially are incredibly historically appalachian.

i mentioned in a post i made yesterday about murder ballads, how the purpose of these was to warn kids away from doing dumb shit and getting lost in the hollers--falling down cliffs n mineshafts and shit at night. gettin got by wildlife.

it spooked us safe. they served a purpose, and once you got old enough to realize they're as real as the tooth fairy, they just become enjoyable and nostalgic. because they're you're culture.

probably every mountain kid has stories about haints n boogers that were told to them by their grandparents, and they grow up to tell them to their own kids, and so on. some of it stuck with me because i grew up with the folklore.

by that i mean, i'm a whole 31 year old woman and i still avoid looking out a dark window at night cause it gives me the shivers. i still get spooked when i hear a big cat yowling in the woods. but the difference is i know there's not really haints out there crying--it's just a product of my childhood. ghost stories are fun.

the problem comes in when someone outside the culture gets their hands on appalachian oral folk traditions. then, it becomes a familiar problem: outsiders cherry picking appalachia and harming us with the mess they make rifling through it all.

it's all about the surface level and the visuals. they all love a good aesthetic blog, run by some local from out west or some shit who's never stepped foot here.

but as soon as the spooky photo filters come off and the real life marginalized person is left standing there just out of frame, we go back to being disgusting examples of what not to be. decrepit churches n buildings are aesthetic and quirky until they stop being on a pinterest board, and then they just become damning images of an impoverished region who deserves to be laughed at.

now, not to holler 'splain you--this is more for anyone not from here who might read this: it's been a systemic issue for decades; there were literal government campaigns to demonize us to the rest of the nation so they could garner support to cut into our mountains and exploit our labor and resources.

well, they were fuckin successful, and we have been falsely made out to be this homogenous nightmare of a place--"welfare exploiting" maga country who deserves everything we get, and nothing we don't.

by going so far as to take appalachian folklore that we tell each other and picking out the "aesthetic" stuff--the haints and general paranormal--they are pruning what they like from our culture--the safe things, like ghost stories--for their own aesthetic use.

but not only that, they are using it to demonize us… yet again.

'appalachia is scary. it's full of things that will kill you. don't look out the window at night cause a booger will get you.' only they don't call them boogers cause they ain't even from here. ask them what a haint is and they'll ask if u mispelled 'haunt.'

it gets even worse when you consider that so much of it has roots in native american culture, and how that continues to be exploited and misrepresented.

i'm not even innocent of that. a while back i had to check myself because i made a comment on here about ~spooky appalachia~ ignorant to the fact that what i was commenting on was actually a deeply important cultural and spiritual element to local indigenous tribes. my comments were harmful by my failure to educate myself and know better, thereby saying things carelessly.

my point being--i'm from the area. i should have known better.

when outsiders start saying the kind of shit they say about what they think they hear in the woods without even knowing where such an idea comes from, they're disrespecting a displaced, abused and exploited people, harming real cultures just for clicks without even knowing. that's on top of the damage they're doing to greater appalachia.

it's fuckin gross.

i think my favorite one i ever seen was this middle aged white lady going through her pristine mcmansion somewhere in suburbia, pulling the million curtains and locking the million doors, going "nighttime routine in appalachia!! 🤪🤪"

i could be wrong about this particular person--i didn't check their other tiktoks because im sick of them accounts and tired of giving them the benefit of the doubt--but it immediately came off as a transplant because:

1) mcmansion, 2) i dont know nobody here that locks their shit down like that (not locking up could even be argued as a part of my local culture, a reflection of our deep sense of community and trust in our neighbors).

and then the comments was all like "i don't know how you guys live there" and it actually broke my heart and pissed me off because even if--especially if--you're one of us, why the fuck are you harming us for likes? why are you turning people against us in a brand new way?

and to the transplants that do this--why?

you're not even from here, you moved here to this place you hate and made it worse just so your front porch would have a nice view, and are now benefiting socially from perpetuating bullshit about us?

you buy up all the land, land we often had no choice but to sell in the first place to survive instead of passing it on to our families, land we originally took from the indigenous peoples your content comes from.

you overdevelop it and turn it unrecognizable to make it more like the comfortable cities you come from. you gut a mountain town of its local businesses and cultures, you price people out of their homes...

...and then once you settle in all cozy like, you go tell everyone else how scary it is? how you can't trust the hills? like it's a cool paranormal bravery badge to wear? fuck off entirely.

so idk, in short my personal thoughts are: i personally enjoy a little myth as a treat, because the folklore is a part of the gothic, a part of our culture and a part of my childhood. i don't (intentionally) wield it as a weapon or use it as a pedestal to get the weird brand of attention that people like them are after.

and those who do this can get got by them haints for all i care.

[bi-turtle-enthusiast]

Hello.... Can I ask your top 5 (or top 3) favorite characters from MDZS? And why you loved them? And your top 5 favorite moments from the series? Thanks if you want to answer....

yeah sure!

Characters:

5. Lan Sizhui/Lan Jingyi I love their dynamic SO much. They're best friends who have clearly known each other for such a long time, and they're both really interesting characters in their own right! Lan Sizhui is so interesting, what with his Lan upbringing and his Wen heritage, and the fact that he's connecting to both by the end of the book. Lan Jingyi is Lan Sizhui's ride-or-die, protecting his best friend at every opportunity while having the best lines in the entire book, and he makes every scene he's in 100x better.

4. Wen Qing Medical malplractice queen!! But in all seriousness, there's something so viscerally powerful about the fact that she's willing to go against nature itself for her baby brother. She'd both die and kill for Wen Ning, and later for Wei Wuxian. I feel like her type of character (murderous older sister) is kind of rare and I really, really like her. I feel like The Untamed really fleshed out her character and I really appreciated her after I watched it. She's equally capable of nurturing and destroying—a force of nature herself.

3. Lan Wangji/Wei Wuxian Fun fact: I hated Lan Wangji when I first read MDZS, and to be honest I'm still so-so on novel Lan Wangji. However, he was easily one of my favorite characters in The Untamed, and watching it made me see him in a whole different light. He doesn't communicate through his words, but through his actions. I think Wang Yibo was perfect casting because he NAILED Lan Wangji's micro-expressions and body language and really brought the character to life. Reading Lan Wangji as autistic also made me understand him a lot more. As for Wei Wuxian, I initially read him as a silly guy and... was right. Despite everything, he stays silly. I do find him a little insufferable pre-death, but I think that was intentional. He probably would have been higher on the list, but while I think he's a really compelling character (and ADHD personified, just like me fr), I'm also very frustrated by him and I don't like how he treats people sometimes. Still, I adore the way he looks after Jin Ling, refuses to let anyone blame Jiang Cheng for anything that happened to him, and takes care of Lan Wangji (towards the end, anyway).

2. Jin Ling Ok he probably would have been at the very top of this list but unfortunately jiang cheng brainrot is real. But CAN WE TALK ABOUT HIM. Over the course of the story, he finds out that his disgraced uncle who insulted him for not having a mom was actually Wei Wuxian reincarnated, then had to contend with the fact that Wei Wuxian was both the reason his parents and grandparents died AND the guy who protected him at every opportunity. Not to mention, he learned that Jin Guangyao, his beloved uncle who gifted him his beloved dog, had orchestrated his parents' death and was ready to kill him too. And what does he do at the end of the novel? He cries. He doesn't seek revenge, he doesn't get angry, he just cries, and he lets go. He chooses not to pursue revenge, because he's seen how the quest for revenge has destroyed everyone around him in one way or another. He's a little shit (because he's an edgy 15 year old) but he's a really intelligent and kind person who loves Jiang Cheng more than anything.

1. Jiang Cheng Some of y'all are going to disagree with me but it must be said. Jiang Cheng is the best MDZS character. Jiang Yanli's love and care taught him how to be loving and caring too. He loved Wei Wuxian, he loved Jin Ling, and he loved his sect. Jiang Cheng never stopped loving Wei Wuxian, even after everything that happened. He hated Wei Wuxian too—that's undeniable—but he also loved him. He kept his belongings intact, he never stopped believing he would come back, he literally gave up his golden core to protect Wei Wuxian. And Jin Ling! He loves Jin Ling so much! Despite having AWFUL parents himself, he was determined not to be that way towards Jin Ling. He did his best to break the generational trauma of his family because he wanted Jin Ling to have it better than he did. When Jin Ling becomes sect leader, he makes sure that he knows that if he EVER needs ANYTHING, he'll provide it to the best of his ability. I could go on for hours about this man. Best MDZS character. He's so full of resentment and hatred and vengeance, but in the end, the thing that always wins out over everything else is his unshakeable love.

Honorable mention: I loved MianMian in the Untamed and wish she got more time to shine in the novel

Favorite moments: 5. Literally anytime Lan Jingyi is in a scene. Every time he opens his mouth it's my favorite scene. He keeps Wei Wuxian humble in a way that only a teenager can. 4. The WangXian scene where Wei Wuxian hides porn in Lan Wangji's book. It starts off so genuinely nice—you can tell Lan Wangji isn't really serious anymore when he tells Wei Wuxian to stfu, and you get the feeling that Wei Wuxian is probably the closest thing Lan Wangji has to a friend. Wei Wuxian draws Lan Wangji a little portrait, and it's genuinely a sweet gesture. Lan Wangji thinks so too—he hasn't ever gotten something like this, and the fact that Wei Wuxian took the time to learn his appearance and commit it to paper makes him feel some type of way. And then, it turns out that everything was just a ruse so Wei Wuxian could prank Lan Wangji. Lan Wangji is,, understandably enraged. It feels cruel that Wei Wuxian would be so insincere just to do that. I kind of hated Wei Wuxian in this scene, but it's one of my favorites because it kind of shows the nature of their initial relationship—half-sincere, but never truly sincere. 3. Xuanwu cave scene. It's so funny and so painful and so sweet. We really see everyone's characters coming out—Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji being selfless protective, Jiang Cheng being capable and responsible, Jin Zixuan being brave and righteous, MianMian being the GOAT, Wang Lingjiao and Wen Chao deserving death, etc. 2. The umbrella scene in the Untamed. It was just so powerful. Lan Wangji putting down his umbrella, which represents the rules and morality of his sect, and just letting the rain mess up his perfect appearance. He doesn't know what's right and wrong anymore, because he loves Wei Wuxian, but everyone is telling him that's wrong. Wei Wuxian himself doesn't know what's right and wrong. Lan Wangji has been thinking in terms of black and white all this time, and for the first time, he finds himself in a gray area. It was just so powerful!! 1. The conversation between Jin Ling and Jiang Cheng after the temple scene at the end. It was just so beautiful. Go read/watch it.

[tri-punisher]

getting a cheap ass toaster has been extremely beneficial to me in dealing with my "i literally Do Not Eat unless i feel hungry enough at which point it can no longer be ignored" problem that is greatly exacerbated by adhd making it hard for me to prepare proper meals + time blindness getting in the way of everything all the time. i can just make myself peanut butter and strawberry jam sandwiches for breakfast OR dinner, they're very easy to make, they taste good, and they're filling.

i've also been brave and bought myself vegetables like tomatoes and cucumber specifically because i know i enjoy those on salad sandwiches, and i actually motivate myself to use them bc i don't want to waste them by having them sit in my fridge for weeks, wasting food really fucking annoys me and i don't want to keep beating myself up over it every time it happens. i bought wholegrain mustard to add to it too, which is something i haven't tried before, it's really nice.

every since i've become responsible for my own food (that is, since i moved onto my dad's property and got a job) it's been pretty bad for me. when i was living with my grandparents it was way easier to eat regularly because my grandparents have breakfast lunch and dinner, and have morning and afternoon tea in between. so i was assured to be eating something decent at least twice a day cus they did it so routinely. but now, some days, i have breakfast at dinner. sometimes i only eat snack food throughout the whole day. sometimes breakfast is just a mug of coffee until i get hungry enough i'm forced to find something substantial. it's even worse on days i don't work, bc when i work, generally for lunch i'll be buying myself something good, like a salad wrap or egg and lettuce sandwiches or meat pies on top of a juice drink or smoothie.

i think i'm incrementally gaining weight because of this too. i've noticed over the past year, especially since the colder months have hit, clothes that fit me last year don't fit me as well this year. and it's like. Huh. i wonder what could have caused that. i wonder when the only thing that's really changed is my eating habits are getting worse cus i have to rely solely on myself to get it done. does my body think it's fucking starving. is this why i feel so angry and irritable literally all the time and blow up at random shit i see online. What a mystery

[cumbunnywitch]

Hey Friendos. I'm gonna impart a little bit of knowledge on everyone about some scams that go around every few months, and that I've seen more than once on Tumblr so far.

Basic Premise: Someone messages you, sends you an ask, or otherwise shows up on your radar with a story. Often it's a believable story, like their cat is in need of surgery or they need to pay rent because they got kicked out or some kind of sob story and they're requesting you boost them or contribute if you can. A lot of the the time these things are scams. Like most of the time.

How to Tell if it's a scam: This can be easy. Look at their profile, look at when they followed you and sent an ask, and how many things they've reblogged, and check if they've made any posts on their own.

Here's some quick ones I see:

Everything they've done is all at the same time or from the same day. For example, every RB is from 8h ago. Maybe if the've done it before there's another day with like 50 posts all in a row. No one sets up their queue like that.

The follow and within a minute you have an ask/dm from them and they've never liked/rb'd from you.

They're using PayPal. PayPal is one of the most widely used money-sending tool for scammers as it's easy to get hold of someone else's account and perform further scams using it without leaving a trail.

Their cry for help is a single pinned post with very few reblogs and no verification.

They don't have any posts of their own, especially text posts.

Scammers don't like to use things like CashApp or GoFundMe because it's a lot easier to track scams, and payouts usually require ID verification. If someone is being legit, they'll probably have multiple avenues of receiving money. I'd use cashapp, set up a GFM, post about it constantly, and have my mutuals RB the shit out of my post by asking them directly for help.

Most of these are set up by bots in droves. They're a little more sophisticated, and are using the lessons learned from all those blank bot accounts you see come up as new followers. They've also been training you; "those random accounts are clearly bots and I'm talking to you like a normal person! I'm totally real and you can trust that because I'm using real words!" That sob story is meant to make you drop your guard. To make you consider that no one would actually try to scam people out of money with such a sad story.

Well there are people that shitty. There are scammers all over that have been manipulating your grandparents out of their retirement savings because they think you need to get bailed out of jail. Before that there were Nigerian Princes trying to give people money if only they could pay for the wire transfer.

Wire forwarding. Fake checks. Western Union scams. All of these things prey on our gullibility. Our sense of honor or curiosity or that someone made us feel special or wants to make us rich! Or our empathy and sympathetic nature, our desire to be helpful and get someone out of a bad situation.

I'm not saying you should think all of these requests are scams. I'm asking you to employ critical thinking, to look for warning signs and make a judgment call.

And if you're ever unsure, hit me up. I am more than happy to take a deep look at these things and give you my best opinion, free of cynicism. I've gotten hit by 4 of these in the last month, so I've got a decent eye on what to see.

[benispunk]

I will not miss anything

Growing up I use to think my "normal" was everyone's "normal". I think we kind of all go through that. And then you see the signs and realize that maybe your "normal" is really just yours.

I'm the only female grandchild in my family. This family, I learned not so long ago, used to be an only boys family, if you know what I mean. I heard that my great-grandmother once said "i don't know what I would have done if I had had a daughter". She had four sons. One of them of course being my grandpa.

My grandpa had two children, my dad and my aunt. My aunt was the older child and my dad was the heir. He was the one who would keep the last name, the legacy, till the end of his life. And that, my friends, is only one out of so many problems in my family. In case you're wondering, no, we are not the heir of a crown, my grandpa isn't a king. Nor are we aristocrats or possessor of a huge fortune. So, really, what's the point of being so formal about it, right ?

I am the eldest daughter. I have one little brother. Mu aunt had two sons. Guess who will keep the last name at the end of the day?

You are right! Not me, nor my cousins. My brother is the official heir of "everything". Whatever everything is. And do not worry, I am not jealous at all, I've always found that quite ridiculous.

Anyway back to the topic. My "normal" is that since I was 8, i have been a responsible little woman. Unlike my brother, i was raised like an adult and not like a child. My brother was raised like a child and treated like a child. I knew how to do everything from a very young age because "I'm such a smart and responsible girl". And that's just how I was. And to me, it never was a problem.

My "normal" is going to my grandparents house during the holidays while my parents are working and not actually spending time with my grandparents. It was just me and my brother in my grandparents' house. Or it could also be my other grandma coming over to our house to take care of us while our parents are away, but in the end I was the one keeping an eye on my young brother and my grandma who preferred checking everything in my mom's (her daughter) stuff and using her makeup and products.

My "normal" is accepting and shutting my mouth when my grandpa interrupts me when I'm in the middle of a conversation. It's my grandmother telling me that 'It's such a waste of your capacities to do that" when I tell her I want to be a filmmaker, when I've been accepted in the most prestigious school in my country - that I refused to go to because it was too expensive.

My "normal" is also accepting that I can't control the way my grandparents are, even when they are the most egoistical, ego-centrical, hyper-victimization, mean, liars, mythomaniacs, manipulative people I know.

My "normal" is valuing family over everything else, even when it kills me.

Those examples are a few out of thousands of examples.

And I understand it's not everyone's "normal".

But life goes on even if pigeon's shit falls onto your shoulder every once in a while.

And after talking with my therapist about all of that...I though for an instant.

Will I miss them when they're not here anymore ?

I'm pretty sure I will. I will undoubtably cry and sob for days, weeks, maybe months. But then it will stop.

Because I will not miss my grandparents. I will not miss them with that title.

I never missed my grandparents.

I used to watch my friends with their grandparents and it was nothing like what I had back home. Nothing at all.

I never hugged my grandparents, I actually have a physical affection problem and I don't like most of physical contact because of never receiving any.

I don't have big memories or actual fun memories with them either. Except for things I did with my brother at their house but with my brother only.

So, I never missed that feeling. I never desired it either. I don't actually know what it's like to have grandparents because of how "not normal" my "normal" used to be, and still is.

So I will not miss my "grandparents" because there's no such thing as that in my heart. I will miss the people. But then I will close the book.

And life goes on.

[nyctx]

#10

I feel sick, but that's given me time to think about random shit. It felt like dissociation, but I can honestly never tell. Maybe I just zone out for a bit, I stop talking for a bit and then everything pushes through me like a wave. Some of it is the realization of something, and some of it just is a specific memory that comes out of nowhere. It's one or the other, but it lingers in my mind for a few days or so. Sometimes I appreciate it, I can remember stuff randomly. But most of the time I don't, most of it isn't that pleasant and it leaves me thinking: 'How the fuck do I let myself get that bad? What the hell is wrong with me?'

I'll question my entire being, question why I had to turn out this way. I can give an example, maybe a few.

I can start off with the most light-hearted...sorta. Since we've moved, I've been sleeping on a singular mattress. No bed frame, no other mattress, just a single twin-sized mattress. Every time I notice that, I think of The Front Bottoms song, that song has implemented some sort of alteration in my brain. Maybe I was cursed to sleep on a twin-size mattress, maybe I'm repaying some sort of karma for something I did.

Another thing was the fact I may never see my grandpa again. On my mom's side, we don't see my grandparents or my tio that much anymore. She's cut contact, but that comes at a price. She told me that I can keep contact, but some part of me thinks it's disrespectful (I almost forgot how to spell that). I would think it was because my mom cut them off for a reason, if there's a reason then that means that I should probably respect it. But, the fact I might never see my grandpa again makes me dread and upset. I'm close to him and I miss him so much. It's like he's dead, but he's not. He's still with us and it makes me upset because knowing that he doesn't have long left is too much. His smile flashes in my mind and it makes me tear up. I realized it in a stupid way as well. I had been watching Sons of Anarchy and one of the characters reminded me of him that it brought me to tears and left me crying for 20 minutes. I've had so many long and deep talks with my grandpa that it just hurts. It hurts too much, I miss him so much I can't even begin to realize it. It bothers me so much, it's like a random jumpscare.

I'm not pushing on that subject anymore.

Back in middle school, I had the biggest urge to change something about myself all the time. Whether it be in hair, clothing, or personality, I just felt so out of place and out of control with myself. Any minor inconvenience leads me to want to chop my hair off all the time. The longest it got was to the top of my shoulders before I hacked it off with kitchen scissors. The only time I didn't regret it was when I gave myself bangs. But, I was happy in some way. I found happiness in my best friend, in writing, in the middle of the storm. I was suicidal, yes, but I made myself happy- even if circumstances weren't the best at home. Everything fell apart in a snap and at the end of the day, I had no one to turn to at all. All of my thoughts and memories are left in a journal that my best friend gave me. I stopped writing in it, yes, but I was too afraid to run out of pages. I never felt so afraid to talk to someone as I did then. I spent most of my nights alone, desperate to at least talk to my best friend before he fell asleep. I just..loved hearing him talk in a time of desperation. The only thing that really kept me company was the sound of the air conditioning running and the smell of weed. I spent most of my nights cradling myself to sleep and hugging a red couch pillow. It was small, but it did the job. for the longest time, the only pillow I had was a Ninja Turtle Pillow and I loved that thing dearly. It was my favorite thing. I kept the Post-it notes my best friend gave me hung on my wall, but I couldn't get those back after we moved out of the house. They're gone...I want them back. I would look at them, and I would think to myself; 'I have one thing to live for, one thing keeping me sane in that godforsaken school.' I have two plushies that keep those memories alive too, and I hold them close. I was bullied and messed with in school, and for him to look past that and still be there, I appreciated the shit out of it.

I love him, I'm not sure what kind of love it is, but it's genuine. It's something I've never felt before.

In the time that happened, it was all in a span of one school year. Not even a full year. When it was done and the dust had settled, everything felt worse, nothing felt...real. Like I had just been woken up from a nightmare or been splashed with cold water. That part of my life was over and it terrified me. I no longer had to explain to my teachers why I was so tired from the nights my parents would fight. I no longer sat in an empty house alone, watching Invader Zim or Ninja Turtles. I no longer had to worry about someone coming in to check on me at random times of the night. I no longer needed to have music blasting in the showers to kill the silence. Everything I had scheduled and set in my mind was deemed useless. Comforts of mine were just memories. I was..out. After 8 whole years, that was it. I lost a lot, my sister, my independence, my ability to be vulnerable. Being in a house full of people is something I feel like I've lost the ability to tolerate. I isolate myself in my room as a goddamn habit because I was so used to being alone. I still feel trapped in that time and place. Some part of me is still waiting for my mom to say she wants to go back. Some part of me is waiting for her to say that she's given in a gave it another chance. It was a loop I want out of because I never want it to happen again. Why am I stuck in a place that brings me more harm than good? Why am I still stuck in the past? I want to let go, it's a leech that feeds off my blood and it's only getting larger and larger.

Another realization I had wasn't even the outcome of me zoning out or dissociating or whatever happens when my mind goes to another place. It wasn't even me who made me realize it.

My mom had said the fact that my step siblings have had her around longer than me and my brother have in the span of a few months rather than the years I've been alive. When it first registered in my mind, I was in denial about it. I know my mom always had to work, but I thought that didn't count because she was still there, she didn't leave or give our rights away to someone else. I've always had my mom, just not in the way I thought. When it finally hit me, it sucked. Realizing how much she had to miss out on or how many times she couldn't make it to events or certain things, I had most of those memories lost, but looking back at it, it kinda makes me feel sad. The absence of her just sucks in general. She wasn't gone..but in a way, it felt like it. I've never really had a solid father figure in my life. One of the ones that was still in my life doesn't really give a shit. People can say he tries or that he wants to, but I know he doesn't. He doesn't care and won't attempt to care. I've been living off of bread crumbs to make him even want to care. It's only now that he's barely trying, but in the end, he's a lost cause. He lost that ability to make me give a shit. It makes me sad because he's been the one I called 'dad' first, but now it just feels like an empty shell. He took me out to dinner by myself a few times, but one of them was to remind me that he was the first person I'd ever called Dad. Only because I was meeting my biological dad. He only tried because he knew that, after that whole thing, he kept asking about it. Even when I met my biological dad, it didn't take him too long before he realize he no longer wanted to reach out because of his wife. I never gave him the chance again.

I had been a bastard child for 11 years. I'm fucking unplanned with a huge case of daddy issues.

One day, I just want to stop thinking, kill off my brain, and feel it slip out of my mind. I have so much on my mind all the time and I hate it sometimes. Most of the time, I wonder if there'll be a time when these thoughts go away. The only time it really does is when I pull an all-nighter and then pass out after because my mind is turning off and my body is recharging. It's also the same thing when I fall asleep after taking medicine for my period cramps. Inevitably, after I take a pill for it, I pass out and nap. My brain is so quiet during it too. Waking up after is like heaven, the sheets are always soft, my mind feels like it's floating in the best way, and in general, I don't feel so uptight. The reason this happens is because my body and mind are so strained and tired after cramping up my body. If I could be drowsy and sedated when I don't have to do anything, it would be nice.

Writing is like de-compressing and cutting pieces of my thoughts, I used to speak my mind by myself and put them in my notes by using text-to-speech. I usually did it when I was tipsy because it helps me speak more fluently and helps me say what I want to say better. Drunk words are sober thoughts type of things. When I would be sober and reread some of them, I would have to take half an hour to read everything. I would put them in different notes depending on the topic. Writing is my biggest coping mechanism. I might capitalize on it in the future. My biggest goal in life is to publish a novel of some sort. I don't really hope for that dream, I want to let it come to me naturally, if fate has that in store for me, then so be it. I feel like emphasizing dreams gives them less of a chance to happen. This is why I haven't told anyone about this blog, it's a safe space I go to whenever I need to speak my mind. If someone stumbles upon this blog, I hope I'm gone by that time or I'm ready for someone close to read my thoughts.

I just wish this blog falls under the right eyes, some things can be concerning, but if I speak them, I am less likely to act upon them, to get them out of my system. Writing is just throwing up my thoughts; (I don't have a good closer for this sentence)

-Dxll Face

[mydissociativediaries]

10/19/2022: Relationship

Sometimes, I think about trying to have a relationship with my parents because they're not going to live forever. When they're gone (well, assuming that I don't die first), I could see myself looking back and thinking about all those wasted years.

But I can't do it. For one thing, they're not reaching out to me either, which implies that this isn't a huge priority for them. For another, I have rage and resentment toward them. They're never going to apologize or admit that they were wrong--and even if they did, I don't know if it would matter, to be honest. You can't apologize for child abuse.

But one of the biggest obstacles is the fact that my POS sister is still in the picture. And OK, I can't exactly say "It's me or her--you can't have a relationship with her if you want to talk to me!" But my sister and I hate each other. I don't mean "haha lol we hate each other," I mean that we actually fucking hate each other. We have no relationship and never interact. When we (unfortunately) see each other on holidays, we look at each other coldly. I'm pretty sure that she thinks "Freak" and I think "Bitch," lmao.

We can't exactly hang out together as a family in this situation. Yeah, I could do things with just my parents, but my POS sister is still hanging around the edges. I feel her presence even when she's not there. My parents choose her over me, over and over again. She's the favorite, and boy, does she love it.

I don't think she'd outright stop my parents if they tried to reconcile with me, but I think she'd interfere a little because she loves being their "only daughter," as she so eloquently put it when she was younger--and Mom and Dad didn't correct her. She wouldn't like it if I started hanging out with my parents regularly and they started talking about me positively to her.

I don't know what they tell her now, not that I think the subject of me comes up often--but I've heard her and my dad making fun of me, so I assume that's how that conversation goes, lmao. I don't think they talk about me all the time, but I'm sure they can't resist getting in their little digs once in a while.

In any case, I think there's just...no chance of reconciliation. I don't want it, my parents aren't too concerned about it and my POS sister wouldn't be thrilled. My parents made it pretty clear when were growing up that it was the three of them against me. I hate my sister, but I can't totally blame her because she's going along with what she heard for her entire childhood. I mean, if the roles were reversed, maybe I'd be doing the same thing. I like to think that I wouldn't, but who knows.

Doesn't everyone want to be their parents' favorite? Or their teacher's or friend's or grandparents' or whatever? Everyone wants to be the golden child. ⭐

My parents have thrown me under the bus to please her, make fun of me with her and instilled this idea in her head that--again--it's THEM against me. I'm the bad one. Everything is my fault. And frankly, I believe it. I believe that I deserve every bad thing that happens to me.

I think I'm starting to look at the situation a little more objectively (well, in comparison) now that I'm partially out of that situation. I realize that the rejection is mutual, so maybe I can't entirely blame my parents. But, I mean--I also think it was their responsibility not to abuse the shit out of me for years on end and encourage my POS sister to feed into it 🤷‍♀️

Another issue is that they don't see it as abuse, which makes me question it at times. But I think about what I'd say if a friend went through this situation. I'd 100% call it abuse if it happened to them, so I guess it's abuse if it happened to me.

But...who knows. I still blame myself for everything despite my resentment toward my parents and POS sister. Still, I'm sure as shit not going to attempt reconciliation any time soon.

Thanks for reading,

🌠

[chimnation]

.

[columboscreens]

there are definitely flaws with It's All in the Game but the same is true of even a lot of the best loved classic episodes. I personally find Spielberg's episode overrated because it's a bog-standard murder story, it is a good looking episode but the plot is meh and it's full of the worst murder mystery cliches like the insertion of an incompetent blackmailer who invariably becomes another victim -- a cliche repeated throughout the series

personally I rank It's All in the Game up near the best of the classic series. maybe it's not as good as Prescription Murder, Ransom for a Dead Man, Death Lends a Hand, Short Fuse, or Forgotten Lady, but I'd still put it in my top ten for the entire Columbo canon

(most of those listed above have flaws too, everything does, and a lot is personal taste as to which flaws are the worst ones)

I didn't know he had written it in the 70s, but that does explain why it feels so much more like a classic Columbo episode than most of the other revival episodes felt like to me

also I know they're movies not episodes but. hard habit to break tbh

anyway my biggest problem is the way it ends. imo he should've let them both go, the guy they killed was abusing them and threatened to kill one of them, they had no recourse. go to the cops? cops wouldn't have done a thing and the guy would've retaliated violently. and you know there's no way they'd get a fair trial even if they pled self-defense

Columbo to me has always been like... some mythical good cop, the kind that doesn't exist in real life or would get murdered by his fellow cops if he did. he carries no gun, he's compassionate to murderers he meets, he tells suspects to stop talking & get a lawyer... he sets up one of his fellow cops (who outranks him!) to incriminate himself by trying to frame a crook, that can't have made Columbo very popular with his fellow cops

I just felt like when Columbo knew the whole story he should've helped them both. again, it could be worse, he could've arrested both. but even setting aside my personal morality, it'd be so great to see him let a killer go, even if you didn't agree that it was right -- maybe especially if audiences didn't agree it was the right thing to do. idk

anyway I love the Columbo resurgence. I was lucky to see a bunch of episodes in reruns as a kid when my grandparents had satellite TV, so I've been a fan long before he started to get big again on tumblr -- not that it matters or I'm bragging, just giving context to say it's really great to see people watch old stuff and become new fans of it because it's so good

oh yeah, every columbo has its flaws, it's just a matter of personal taste as to which ones are most egregious.

i do think murder by the book is easy to laugh at now as bog-standard and "overrated", but it was truly groundbreaking when it hit TVs. that's really the beauty of it, anyway--columbo needed to start somewhere and establish a formula.

i do agree that the script for it's all in the game being written in the 70s definitely comes through. the episode itself has some 90s cheesiness to it that i don't think it would have had if actually made in the 70s (and i do wish it was), but underneath is a very real and interesting type of story.

i don't think columbo should've let both of them go as i think that'd cross over into going against the heart of his character--he is a "good cop", but no matter how justified they may have been in their act, they've still ended another person's life. the one time he does let a perp go is only because she has a terminal degenerative brain disease and no longer even remembers the murder.

the man isn't judge judy, nor executioner for that matter. he just gathers enough evidence to prove to everyone that you did you what you did

besides which, if lauren staton can afford good lawyers (she can) and provide proof that her ex boyfriend was a two-timing piece of shit who wanted to kill her (she probably can) then she likely wouldn't have ended up serving that much time anyway. i think columbo knew that, too.

more about this and some of the mcgoohan episodes under the cut since this post is already so long....

i'm not sure where i'd rank it, myself. probably not top 10 all time columbos, but i would certainly rank it amongst the originals simply because it dares to push columbo's character in a way that's high quality, believable, and fun to watch, all while retaining his aura of mystery.

it makes me wonder how that episode would've come out if patrick mcgoohan had directed it. i don't always agree with mcgoohan's interpretations of columbo's character, but he dared to innovate and dared to usher the character into new territory with high-quality technique, and i think that alone is commendable. even last salute to the commodore where columbo is clearly stoned is a commendable entry because it's (at least in my eyes) not a failure of an episode, it's a sharp self-parody of the series as a whole.

take by dawn's early light. we're shown his quarters, which is groundbreaking stuff. hell, link & levinson balked at showing columbo's office in earlier seasons, let alone where he's retiring for the evening.

we may have inferred that columbo would be driven so mad by a case detail that he'd get out of bed in the middle of the night, but we actually get to SEE that here. we get to see him padding around in an undershirt at 3am, kept awake by ballistic detail, then waking up in the morning and washing up. it's not earth-shattering, but it's one of many meaningful peeks into the character's workings hallmarked by the mcgoohan episodes.

plus, i mean. need i say more

in identity crisis, where mcgoohan directs and exerts far greater control over the story, we get to see columbo made really uncomfortable in one of the most masterfully-done cat-and-mouse bouts in the series. agent brenner reads him front to back (NERVOUS? want a CIGAR to CALM DOWN huh lieutenant?? lemme mock you with your wife's favorite song while i take off your protective carapace)

so it makes me wonder how he would've tackled it's all in the game! combined with faye dunaway, i think it would've really elevated things even further. though they were both divas so perhaps the whole thing would've just imploded lmao

[riskypeaches]

2,365 Days

2,365 days. That’s how long it took you to realize that you were in love with Han Jisung. It took him another 36 to realize that he never stopped.

Pairing: Han Jisung/reader, female reader.

Word Count: 2.1k 

Genre: Romance, college au, idiots in love, slight angst, angst with a happy ending, childhood best friends to lovers au.

Warnings: Excessive usage of italics and Y/N because that’s how I roll. Also profanity, I like to cuss. 

Bits and pieces of a story idea I had for Han. Events happen chronologically, but a fair amount of time is skipped before and after each bit. Heavily inspired by the song Jenny (I Wanna Ruin Our Friendship), go ahead and take a listen!

                                                                                                                        ↢

“Two thousand, three hundred and sixty-five days!”, you shouted. 

Jisung stopped in his tracks, furrowing his eyebrows. “Y/N, what are you on about?”.

“Two thousand, three hundred and sixty-five days”, you stated again. “That’s- that’s how long it took me to realize I was in love with you”.

His mouth parted in shock at your confession. “Look, Y/N-”, he started but you cut him off. 

“I don’t want to hear it!”, you said furiously shaking your head. “I know it’s stupid! I am never going to be over how stupid it was that I could be in love with someone for that long and not realize it until a couple weeks ago!”. 

He took a step forward reaching out to put a hand on your shoulder. On any other day you would have gladly accepted the comfort, but the look in his eyes in that moment sickened you. In all the years you had known him, he had never once looked at you like that. And you fucking hated it. 

All you could see was pity. 

You dodged his hand, instead letting your own arms wrap around your front. You didn’t want comfort from him, not right now at least. All his touch did was make you hurt. 

“The worst part about this is that I think you used to be in love with me too”, you murmured, shrinking into yourself. “And I’m- I’m so sorry I never realized it until now because I think… I think I could have saved you a lot of pain if I just took one fucking look at what was right in front of me”. 

“Y/N…”, he said looking at you with a pained expression. 

“Jisung I’m sorry, I really am. I know you’re with someone right now. I’m not trying to- steal you from them or something I just…”, you trailed off. 

“You just what?”, he said. 

“I just!”, you said looking at the ceiling to hold back your tears. Pressing the heel of your hands into your eyes you took deep steadying breaths. 

“Jisung, I want you to be happy. I really do. And if that girl makes you happy then- that’s enough for me! I just… needed to give my best friend an explanation instead of dropping off the face of the earth”. 

“Dropping off…?” he said, beginning to look vaguely panicked. “Where are you going?”. 

“I’m just going home!”, you said waving your hands back and forth in a placating manner. “For… a couple of months at least”.

“Y/N. You haven’t been back home since the day we graduated high school”. 

“I know”, you whispered looking at the floor. “I just need time to myself right now. These feelings are all new and I… I know I can’t be a good friend to you right now. Seeing you, being with you it just- hurts. I’m not the best friend you deserve right now”. 

Jisung made a pained noise in the back of his throat and stepped in closer towards you. “I’m not mad at you! You don’t need to leave, if that’s what you’re afraid of”, he said placing his hands on your shoulders. 

“No that’s not it Jisung”, you said gently brushing off his hands. “I just- for me to be a good friend, the one who can support you and the relationship you’ve found yourself in, I need time to get over these feelings. And I know that’s something I can’t do right now. So, I’m going home”. 

Jisung sighed heavily, running his hands through his hair. Taking another look at you he seemed to decide that you were being serious and dropped onto your couch in defeat. 

“You’re not… you’re not leaving right?”, he said head hanging down to his knees. “You’re coming back?”.

You gave a half hearted laugh and collapsed next to him. 

“Han Jisung, just because the unfortunate side effects of the human condition cause me to have feelings for you that does not mean that you are ever going to be able to get rid of me”. 

He gave a chuckle in response, still refusing to lift his head up. You tried to ignore the fact that he was sniffling through giggles. For his sake. 

You gently nudged his shoulder with your own. 

“I’ve known you for almost 7 years now. You’re stuck with me for life”. 

He laughed fully this time, trying to subtly wipe at his eyes. “Kylie”, he said tilting his head at you and giving you a watery smile. “What do you think about her?”. 

You gave him your own watery smile in return, “I really like her”, you said. 

And it was the truth.

                                                              ↢ 

Something was off, Jisung thought. In fact, something was off about this entire week. 

His grades we’re up, better than they ever had been, he was dating an amazing girl, he had a steady job so… life is good. 

Life was good, right?

                                                             ↢

“Are you done moping yet?”, Chan said casually sipping at his soda. 

“Moping?”, I asked. “I’m not moping”. 

Chan rolled his eyes throwing another french fry into his mouth. “You clearly are. But, if we’re still in the denial stage that’s fine. We can just talk about… uh”, chan said nibbling at his fry thoughtfully. “Oh!”, he shouted suddenly. “Professor Brewer’s paper! Why don’t we work on it now? What are you doing for the prompt?”. 

I sighed and rested my head on my palm. “I already finished it”, I grumbled twirling my soda straw aimlessly. 

Chan’s eyes nearly popped out of his skull. “You fucking what?!”, he said choking on his soda. 

“Shit dude are you ok?”, I said patting at his back. He waved me off, spluttering an “I’m ok” back. 

“You WHAT”, he said after regaining his breath. 

I shrank back in my seat. “I er- already finished it?”, I said nervously.

“Han”, Chan deadpanned. “We have 4 days left until that paper is due”. 

I furrowed my eyebrows at him. “4 days isn’t that long you know, I have other classes too. Besides, don’t you always finish your assignments the day they're assigned?”. 

He waved me off leaning back in his seat. “Yeah I do, but that’s not the point”. 

“I’m sorry… then what exactly is the point then?”, I asked steadily growing more confused. 

“The point is! You never even bother to look at your assignments until the day they’re due!”, Chan said exasperatedly. 

I eyed him warily. “Why are you getting so worked up about this?”.

“Because!”, he all but shouted. “You’re an idiot!”. 

“Hey!”, I said. “Just because you’re my hyung doesn’t mean you can just call me stupid!”, I huffed crossing my arms at him. “I’ll have you know I have a 3.8 this quarter”. 

“Exactly”, Chan groaned while slowly dragging a hand across his face. 

“What the hell are you on about?”, I said genuinely starting to become annoyed with the conversation. 

“Hannie”, he said sighing. “The only reason you have such good grades this quarter is because you’re not following Y/N around like a lost puppy”. 

My heart panged at the mention of her name. “I don’t know what you're talking about”, I breathed. 

“Yes you do”, he said with a stern look in his eyes. “You have shitty grades every quarter because all you ever want to do is spend time with her. The only reason you get by is because she chews your ass out when she finds out you’ve been slacking”. 

“Nope”, I shook my head adamantly. “I still don’t know what you’re talking about. I have a girlfriend, everything’s just fine”.

“Ok the fact that you brought that up when I wasn’t even talking about your girlfriend makes me feel like there’s more to unpack there but… baby steps. We’ll come back to that”

Chan looked at me with an expectant look in his eyes, as if waiting for me to say something. I shrugged helplessly at him, not knowing what he wanted from me. 

He sighed heavily through his nose before apparently giving up on what he’d been waiting for. 

“Hannie…”, he said gently. Chan carefully put his hand on my shoulder and looked at me with sympathetic look in his eyes. “You miss her”. 

I could feel my heartbeat pounding in my ears. “No I don’t”, I said shaking my head at him. 

“Han, you’ve spent nearly every single day with Y/N since you guys we’re 13. You can’t expect me to believe- actually you can’t expect yourself to believe that you don’t miss her”. 

“Not true”, I muttered. “When we were in school she went back in the summers to visit her family”.

“Fine then- you spent everyday with her albeit 2 months out of the year. That’s not even true for the past 3 years! She hasn’t been back these summers, she stayed with you”. 

I sighed heavily, sliding even further down my seat. “What do you want me to do?”, I mumbled miserably. 

“I want you to stop being an idiot and acknowledge that you're upset, and that you have been for the past month”.

“Because Y/N’s gone?”, I asked slowly. 

“Because Y/N’s gone.”, Chan affirmed. 

                                                            ↢

“Jisung?”, you asked incredulously. “How the hell did you get here? Why the hell are you here?”.

Jisung was near hyperventilating at this point, he felt that his lungs might collapse from the sheer stress of the situation. 

Alright, alright. Calm down. Just remember what Chan and Changbin told you in the car ride over this is fine everything’s fine. 

“I broke up with Kylie!”, I blurted out. 

Everything was not fucking fine. 

You crossed your arms and gave him a stern look. “Han Jisung I had to suffer through weeks of you non-stop talking about that girl. You better have not just broken up with her I swear to god-”

“She doesn’t make me cheesecake!”, I shouted cutting off her rant. 

She looked even more confused than when she first realized I was standing in her grandparent’s yard. “Jisung what on earth are you talking about?”, she said. 

What on earth indeed.

“I’m sure if it's really that big of a problem”, she said utterly perplexed. “She could just learn how to make one dude?”. 

“Even if she did, it wouldn’t be your cheesecake!”, I said desperately. 

“...what?”. 

“It wouldn’t be the same as the ones you make me and- she doesn’t stay up with me all night trying to help me figure out rhymes for my lyrics even though you know you can’t rap for shit. And sure, she can skateboard and that’s pretty cool but she’s not the dumbass who thought launching herself off an out of control board was a great idea and face planted in the middle of four way traffic-”. 

“Hey!”, she huffed indignantly. 

I ignored her, continuing to roll right through my rant. 

“And she doesn’t snore like a fucking buzzsaw, which would be so cute if it didn’t sound so god damn concerning. And she doesn’t watch romance movies with me even though you absolutely despise them and-”, I said stopping abruptly. 

“And?”, she asked softly. 

“And I don’t love her”, I breathed feeling the tips of my ears turn red. “Not the way that I love you”. 

“Oh”, she said. 

I laughed at her dumbfounded expression. “It took me 36 days and 2 hyungs to realize I was still in love with you and all you have to say in response is ‘oh’?”. 

She huffed at me in annoyance. “I spilled my guts out to you a month ago, what the hell else do you want?! Some kind of blood oath??”. 

“If that’s what it takes for you to tell me you love me right now then yeah, I think that’s fair”. 

“You should have asked for that a whole fucking month ago!”, she said stamping her foot in annoyance. 

“Hey! You may have had to wait a month but I had to wait 6 whole fucking years before you even acknowledged that you liked me!”. 

“I hate you”. 

“Oh you do? Well I could just- get back in Chan’s car then. Drive back to school”, I teased. 

“Han Jisung I swear to god I will throw this fucking shovel at you”. 

I laughed wholeheartedly, head tilting towards the sky. “Ok ok, I’m sorry. I get it. No leaving allowed, now will you get over here and kiss me already?”. 

“No!” she yelped, turning red. 

“6 years Y/N, I’m a desperate man”. 

“If you don’t shut up I swear to god-”.

[janeelyakiri]

Future’s End Prompt

It’s far, far into the future. S/O and their skele have been happily married for decades and at this point are Great Grandparents, however with time comes age and while skeles might be able to maintain themselves with Magic their S/O has gotten older and is now nearing the end of their life. Doctors say that they have about a week left, how does skele spend it with them?

“S/O is still in relatively good health and is only suffering from old age”

This is a very real thing for my boys. If anyone looks at their info charts and notice the ages there- those are the monster equivalent. These boys all have another good 300-500 years in them compared to a human mate.

Under cut for Sads, Death Warning

Macaw- He helps keep their mood up. Makes them laugh, enjoy life. Brings them in flowers with strong colors and scents so they can still smell them and see them. He makes sure their last week is a happy one.

Lupo- Makes them a fresh meal they can eat for every meal time. He spends as much time as he can with them, giving gentle touches and doting. Using his healing magic when something aches too much.

Falcon- Shit, time flew by... he hates it, he hadn't even realized. Yeah he saw them age but, he still saw just his sweetheart. The wrinkles and greying didn't even register to him as 'old'. He stops smoking and drinking around them and keeps cleaned up, saying they'll get a nice date in soon. He holds their hand a lot, and when they sleep he gets his tears out.

Jackal- Still gives them sweet kisses, still sleeps beside them. They're dressed in the most comfortable clothes, well cared for. He hires people to help but also learns from them with such patience so he can do a lot of it himself. The later funeral will be so grand, people would think royalty had passed on.

Jay- He can't handle it... He asks Dream if there's a way to ease his mate's pain, like a way to bottle his aura. He starts to distance himself some, still there to care for them but it's... gotten a little cold. He wants to appear strong for his mate but that means bottling up everything he's feeling.

Fox- Does take care of them, but hardly leaves their side. Jay has to bring food and while trying to make their last moments nice, Fox can't help but openly cry.

Crow- If he has other mates, he lets them know. And apologizes because he won't be leaving this mate's side for a bit. It's one reason he loves the idea of many partners, so he has that support group to help him and eachother. If it's his only mate, he gets incredibly quiet and stays by them. Forgetting to care for himself as he cares for them. Softly talking about the past with them with small smiles and silent tears.

Hound- He gathers up the rather large family they've made, and makes sure everyone has a chance to say goodbye. It's in some parts a party, celebrating his mate's long life and while sad, it's more bittersweet. Hound makes sure to tell them 'I love you' every chance he gets.

Vulture- He's not ready. He swears you two haven't had that much time! He'll hold onto his mate, whimpering and checking every time they fall asleep or are too quiet for too long. He'll come to terms with it by the end of the week... But for a while his memory won't be kind to him after. But that too will pass, and he will be happy to have had any time with his mate.

Hyena- He mellows out a lot. Almost becomes like his old self, almost. Very soft, very gentle. Takes great care to feed and help his mate as needed. Soothes out any aches and pains. He'll find some way to get a tattoo on his upper humerus, his mate's soul trait. He'll show it to you soon as it's done, proof he'll always remember.

Robin- Amazed you lasted this long, amazed he kept you this long. But now his mate is weak, on death's door. It'd be a shame to let a Soul go to waste... He'll stop the pain right now for you. He prefers Red Souls but his mate's will do.

Dingo- He's so sad, he's whining and whimpering. Begging his brother to help. His brother offers his solution, plays it up as an act of Mercy. Dingo will fall for it, and his mate's soul is split between the brothers.

[myvirtuesuncounted]

Insane anon back okay so basically- I grew up in a VERY Christian household (as I'm sure you can imagine from the pig incident yes we're calling it that now) my grandparents are extremely Christian and nearly all of my aunts and uncles are too, and the ones who aren't still do stuff like "don't say oh my god it's disrespectful" and go to church if asked and whatever. My town is generally like this too so everywhere I go I'm most likely going to see or hear something to do with religion. So I didn't really pay much mind to religion considering I'm really little and too busy collecting Pokemon cards ponder the possibilities of heaven or hell, much less moral philosophy and ethics which we're led to believe is what gets us our sentences in the first place. So my school taught us religion, but we had to have our parents say if we could attend or not. Take a wild fucking guess what my parents then condemned me to. So then I had to show up to a religion class like every day to learn about God and such. Now, because my school had only labelled the subject "religion" and not "Christianity" (which is the only religion they even taught us, dickheads) my small child brain registered that religion = Christianity and they're just two interchangeable words for each other. Which is, to say the least, not correct. But I didn't know that I was 8 and so I went on like this for admittedly longer than I should have qeygdjoaudgjldugas but anyway- I learnt all about Jesus and Mary and God and everything there was to know. Well when I say learnt I really mean "picked up as much information as I could" cuz let's face it teaching a religion class to a herd of 8 year olds who have had next to no prior experience to religion is pretty much just "yeah tbh I would murder my brother too I get it" "I wonder if Jesus played bass I feel like he would" "mr religion teacher what's a virgin and why is Mary one?" So yeah fun. But then eventually religion class ended for the term. Except. I was friends with a few other kids who were Muslim and Buddhist and Hindu and other religions that weren't Christian. And keep in mind I still don't know there's more than one religion I think it's just another word for Christianity. So while they're sharing their experiences with their gods and traditions and such, I'm registering it all as one big thing. And so my small child brain is like "oh I guess there must be just a bunch of different gods in religion huh cool I wonder when lunch will end." So all this time I'm walking around with the idea of like every god to ever exist (yes even the what 500 I think Egyptian gods they had) just existing at the same time and this made complete sense to me. And Diya my friend I am going to be completely honest with you I didn't realise religion didn't just mean only Christianity until I was like 11 it's embarassing but true 😭 I also thought Islam was a country. I'm so glad no one on this webbed site knows my irl identity I don't know how I'd cope with you people having a name to put to this 😭😭😭 but yeah point is don't be a dumb shit like me and teach your kids what religion actually means please I can't stand the thought of there being more of this nonsense. Also my religion teacher didn't believe in evolution and thought David Attenborough was manipulating us all. Idk how he got that job. But yeah. Bonus story: I asked my religion teacher "wouldn't Jesus have been black because of the place where he was born, why am I seeing a bunch of skinny white people" and he told me to ask Jesus myself and gave me a colouring sheet and walked away and I'm 8 I don't know how to commune with all-knowing immortal beings so I just wrote yes and no on my eraser and flipped it a bunch of times. So yeah if you guys were wondering Jesus is a black trans man and he loves abortion and autism and hates billionaires this is a fact because I said so okay peace ✌️

this is why we hate religion classes that only teach christianity, and that last bit about jesus, preach 🙏

[xxisxxisxxis]

Gateway Drug | Part Eighty-Six

Words: 3K

Warning(s): explicit language, violence, drug abuse

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The only sound is the clock ticking on our lawyer's desk, and the soft pattering of rain coming down.

"Just sign and initial and we'll get these back to the judge for approval." Nikki's lawyer tells us and I rub my lips together. 

We both grab the pens he hands over to us, hesitantly, and Nikki clears his throat, his hand hovering over the first page of lines to be signed.

If he signs them, I'll sign them, I say to myself. 

His pen presses to the paper, and it's as if he's trying to force himself to sign them...nothing happens, though. 

The lawyer notices this. 

"They can't be registered for approval if they're not signed." He adds, looking at the both of us. 

Nikki just rolls his eyes and taps his foot, nervously rubbing the back of his neck. 

"Are you sure you want to do this?" I ask him softly, hoping to God he says, "no." 

"Yeah, Vivian. I'm sure." He states, still looking at the papers, pen still…

I get the "V" of my signature written and he looks down and scribbles across his paper, standing up. 

"Fuck this, c'mon." He hisses and I look at him, wide eyed as he grabs my hand and pulls me up. 

"W-What?" I ask. 

"I'm retracting." He tells his lawyer as he walks out, taking me with him. 

"Nikki, what the hell are you doing?" I ask him, confused as we walk down the stairs of the law firm. 

"I've broken every fuckin' vow except 'till death do us part' and I'll be fucked to hell if we stuck it out and stayed with each other after the worst bullshit just to fucking divorce." He tells me. 

One Month Earlier

I went to see him to try to understand where exactly we were in our relationship, if he even really wanted a divorce or if he was just wanted to start over, but, like always…

"I don't understand why you're being so stubborn, Viv--"

"--Because you want me to sign papers you filed less than 24 hours after you freaking died, Nikki!" I whisper yell. 

"I assure you, I'm well aware!" He replies in the same quiet tone. "Sign the fucking papers."

"None of my grandparents ever divorced, my parents aren't divorced, I am not getting divorced. I'm a Christian, we don't do divorce." 

"Well, you're not supposed to do sex before marriage or adultery, either, but that sure as shit didn't keep your panties on." He mumbles. 

"Do you really bring up who did what because I assure you, your list is a hell of a lot longer than mine." I reply. 

"Oh, is it?" 

"Oh, it so is and you know it is." 

He covers his ears and glare at him, flaring my nostrils. 

"Are you serious right now?" 

"I can't hear you." He tells me and I reach across the table and snatch his hands away from his ears, scowling. 

"You are acting like a child right now!" I scold him. 

"Now you know how I feel while trying to get you to just sign the damn papers!" He replies, crossing his arms. "But if you stay like this I might reconsider." He adds, his eyes on my chest where I'm leaning over. 

"You aren't even taking this seriously, Nikki." I shove at his shoulder before sitting back down and he chuckles. 

"I am, too," He argues. "You just look good." 

"You're changing the subject." 

"I can't compliment you?" 

"Not when it's just to change the subject." 

"I'm not changing the subject."

"Just like you to file for a divorce and then not want to discuss it with the woman who's put everything into the marriage you want wiped from existence." 

"Now, you're pissing me off." 

"You pissed me off when I got those damn papers with no warning."

"That's a lie, Vivian, the past year has been a fucking warning--especially with the amount of times you've thrown divorce in my face if I didn't straighten up. Remember that?"

"That's different. It was incentive to get you to act right."

"I didn't have any 'act right' left in me by that point." He states. "Unless it was for you." He smirks and I kick him under the table. 

"Quit being a pervert." 

"That's not perverted."

"This is a serious talk, Nikki, and you're trying to get out of it."

He opens his mouth to talk but I cut him off. 

"And I swear to God if you say, 'I'm trying to get you out of something,' I'm going to come across this table and make you wish you had died." 

"Is that a promise?" He raises a brow.

"I forgot how ridiculously immature sober Nikki is." I hiss. 

"No, no, baby, this isn't even 'sober' Nikki. This is 'I don't have even the slightest sprinkle of anything in me for the first time in ten fucking years and I'm slowly starting to lose my fucking mind just a little bit' Nikki. Now just imagine staying married to this." He explains to me and I cut my eyes. 

"Why the hell are you trying to convince me to want to divorce you?" 

"Because you told me to fucking divorce you, remember?" 

I furrow my brows. 

"The day I got home and we got into that argument and you told me to just divorce you. So I'm trying to." 

"You know that's not what I meant, Nikki." 

"What the fuck did you mean, Vivian, because you fucking said, 'just divorce me then'." 

"I didn't mean the next fucking day." 

"You're crazy." He tells me. 

"I'm crazy? I tried to throw myself off of a balcony when I thought you died and you thought it'd be a good idea to break up with me hours later?! Are you sure I'm the only crazy one?!" 

"You told me you wanted out--multiple times." 

"And you told me you loved me." 

"Oh, oh, oh, woah, woah, wait a damn minute, that was a fucking coke binge mixed with alcohol, talking."

"Wasn't much talking, just a lot of crying and begging." I point out and he shakes his head a little, rolling his jaw. "Just for you to come home and file for divorce." 

"Fuck you, Vivian."

"Fuck you, Nikki." 

We both puff up and pout, arms crossed, glaring at each other with "go to hell" looks. 

"...So?" Doc asks us when he comes back to check in on us. 

"She's still that bratty little spoiled prude that would argue with me for the hell of it that she was when I first fucking met her." He snaps. 

"And he's still Satan's evil Spawn." I bark. 

"I'm about to take you to the bathroom." He threatens me. 

"I'd rather have sex with Bret Michaels." I shoot back. 

"At the rate you're going, I believe it." 

"Do we need to talk about the threesome you had with Tansy and Vanity, now, or…?" 

"Wasn't Tansy." He states. 

"Really? Then who was it with?"

"Let's not do this here." Doc says quietly, apparently we're getting louder than we thought, other visitors and patients glancing at us uncomfortably. 

I wanna see them be married to Nikki Sixx and try to handle their shit quietly. 

"Sign the damn papers, Vivian." Nikki tells me as I stand up, grabbing my purse and scoffing. 

"You and your damn papers can go burn." I mumble to him.

"You know I'm right!" He calls after me, I just flick him off, turning my hand to him as I walk away.

When I get back to the house, I'm faced with the boxes I've got stacked and packed, groaning at the mess I've made trying to get our things sorted out--well, my things. 

"Viv?!" Sharise calls from our guest bedroom. 

"It's me!" I call back, hearing Whisky running from where she is to me. 

"Hey, baby boy." I greet him, patting his head. 

"I didn't know what to do with this," she carries down the big white box with my wedding dress in it. "And Sky's asleep, she's had a big afternoon with woof-woof." She states, using Skylar's nickname for Whisky. 

"Aww," I say and take the box from her and carry it to the dinner table. "I haven't opened this since we got married." 

"I wonder if you could still wear it." She adds and I raise my brows. 

"Hell, if I know." I mumble. "I'm not gonna need it anymore."

"Oh, don't say that." She tells me. 

"He's serious about the divorce, Sharise." I state. 

"He's gone through a lot of stuff, Viv. You both have. He's not thinking clearly." 

"Well, I am, and I don't want a freaking divorce." 

"Yeah, but that's you." She reminds me. "I'm sorry it's something you're having to go through but you don't need to be with someone that wants to leave the marriage." 

"I guess." 

"Or you two will work things out and it'll be fine." She says next, optimistic. 

"Work it out…"

I'm hunched over the toilet a week later at the house, puking my guts up, trying to take deep breaths as I think I finish, only to be met with another wave of vomit, my throat and nose burning as regurgitated stomach acid stings at it.

"Shit." I grumble to myself, taking deep breaths…

I glare at the positive pregnancy tests--the reason for my nausea, mainly. 

"Damnit, Vivian." I say to myself, tiredly, trying not to start crying.

Whisky's standing under me and I just sit on the bathroom floor and cry, hugging the dog when he gets closer to me to run his nose against my hand. 

What the hell am I going to do? What the hell am I going to tell Duff? What am I going to tell Nikki? I want him to stay with me but I'm pregnant with a baby that isn't even his. I know he knows about me and Duff, now, but a baby from it would be a constant reminder that, "hey, remember that time you and your wife fucking hated each other and she fucked Duff McKagan while you were overdosing?" 

I hit myself internally, wiping my eyes. 

I knew this was a risk, so I'm not surprised--just pissed at myself. 

I'm not on birth control, I don't like condoms, I'm lucky I don't have an STD but a fucking baby with Duff? 

What's my dad going to think? 

What's Duff's family going to think, especially if by some miracle Nikki and I do stay together...what will happen with his chance to find someone else. Most women in their 20s in L.A. don't want to play step-mom right now. 

The press will have a field day with this…

My mind shifts to Nikki's granddad.

Damn it. 

I glance at the clock that reads 1:34a.m. and let out a breath, exhausted, before opening the bathroom drawer and putting the pregnancy test in it, sniffling. 

I rummage through our cabinets for something to help me sleep, finding some NyQuil.

I decide to take it since the only reason I had a reaction to it last time was because I mixed it with my antidepressant, and I go lay down, looking at Whisky getting in beside me, laying on Nikki's side of the bed, my mind plucking at a familiar sight not too long ago.

"Where the hell is Nikki at?!" I hear Doc shout over the bustle backstage, and I furrow my brows, stopping my conversation with Tawny Kitaen--who's here with David Coverdale--as Doc looks at me. 

"You know where the fuck Sixx is?" He snaps at me. 

"No, I came with Sharise and Heather." I tell him. 

"Is Nikki even fucking here?!" He shouts next. 

"How the hell am I supposed to know, Doc?!" I yell back, getting pissed. 

"Maybe because you're his wife?" I hear someone cut in, sounding irritated, and I slowly turn around and see Bobby Dall leaned against an amp, his arms crossed. 

"Maybe lick my twat." I snap back, harshly. 

"I'm missing a fucking bassist that's supposed to go on in fifteen fucking minutes!" Doc yells over everybody, making me and Bobby shut up our bickering that's about to inevitably start. "Has anybody seen or heard anything from Nikki Sixx?!" 

We all glance at each other, not saying a word. 

"Fuck!" He outbursts, storming away to call the office back home. 

Bobby huffs out a breath and pushes past me and Tawny, while I just glare daggers into him. 

It was Day on the Green, a big music festival in Oakland, California, and on the second day, Whitesnake, Poison, and Mötley Crüe were set to perform. But once it was Mötley's turn, nobody could find Nikki. I had come with Sharise and Heather. Nikki had attempted to kick smack, again, so we all thought that's what delayed his arrival...come to find out…

"I've been up three fucking days freebasing, Tommy, alright?" He snaps to a pissed off Tommy and Vince after, "You're fucking shooting up again," leaves Tommy's lips. 

The guys are pissed off--the most pissed I've ever seen them at Nikki--and the fans, who've been waiting for nearly an unacceptable amount of time for Mötley Crüe, are bustling with impatience as Nikki steadily drinks from a bottle of Jack to bring himself down some.

He glances at me and snarls. 

"Get her outta here. I can't do shit with her looking at me like I'm dead." He snaps to Fred and I roll my jaw and leave him be.

By the time the show goes on, it's so obvious that Nikki's out of it, his eyes wide and wild, his brain fried…

Once the part of the show happens where Vince brings out bottles of Jack for Nikki and Tommy to chug on stage, I feel my eyes water, seeing Nikki scrambling to get up where he threw himself down the stage, to grab the fifth of Jack from Vince. 

He chugs half, Tommy chugs half, and when Nikki comes to grab some water to try to keep up and finish the show as strong as he can, he takes two big gulps of water and hisses a bit of it back up, coughing and hacking. 

I'm assuming he grabbed Micks straight vodka by accident. 

The show ends soon, and Nikki's slobbering drunk, looking tired and worn down. 

"I'm fuckin' going home." He tells Doc, pushing past him. "Vivian, baby, c'mon." He tells me, surprisingly gentle, slurring and taking heavy breaths. 

I think he's just that damn tired. 

"You don't want to stay and try to sober up some?" I ask him, calmly. 

"No, I just wanna go home." He repeats. 

I tell the girls and boys, 'bye,' right before Doc hammers us with when we need to be at the airport to leave for the next shows on the tour. 

I can see Nikki being bombarded with Doc, bitching him out for being late while simultaneously threatening him if he doesn't get his shit together before they do the next line of shows...his eyes growing more and more distant with each word. 

"You know how many fuckin' people you disappointed tonight, Nikki?" Doc asks him next. 

"Doc, he gets it, alright." I interrupt since Nikki's not saying anything to him. I take Nikki's hand and pull him to the door. 

"He obviously doesn't get it, Vivian." He bites at my heels, following after us. 

"I get it, you're pissed, but can we please do this another time?" I hiss, snapping around to him, glancing around at the different roadies backstage, some of the members of other bands and their girlfriends and wives looking uncomfortable with Nikki getting his metaphorical asshole torn into a million pieces by Doc. 

"You've both been saying that for the past year, Vivian, so no. We can't do this another time." Doc tells me, fed up. 

"Well, me and him are." I argue, turning back around and grabbing Nikki's arm to keep walking.  

Nikki's not even here mentally. It's like he's sedated. 

"Just go ahead and enable him, Vivian." Doc outbursts to me, still behind us with each step, and I turn and throw my fist to his face as hard and fast as I can, hearing a satisfying crack in his cheek. 

Eyes widen around us, Fred is rubbing his face as he steps to us, Tommy, Vince and Mick glaring at me...they can all think Nikki Sixx married a batshit bitch. 

I don't care anymore.

When we get on the plane Nikki flew in on, he sits down and stays quiet as I sit across from him. 

The only thing he tells me the entire hour and a half worth of flight is, "I've fucking done it again," I'm assuming in reference to messing things up. 

He locks himself in the closet when we get home, and I spend the night wide awake, staring at Whisky where he's laying on Nikki's side of the bed.

"You and me again." I say to him, reaching out and rubbing his head as he stretches.

I blink the memory back, still looking at Whisky. 

"You and me again."

[youllneverknowrac]

Oscar Diaz-Summer Nights

Summer days just sitting around but when the sun goes down, I’ll be ready to party

It was officially the first day of Summer so everybody in the neighborhood was in high spirits, and like usual there was going to be party. Only this time it was being held at one of the other Santo members house since he wanted to plan a big bash for his little sister’s high school graduation celebration. That meant all sorts of different people were going to be in attendance of all backgrounds and ages. As you play out tonight in your mind you end up getting distracted when your phone goes off so you set your lipgloss down and rush over to it.

Call the ruca on the phone, let her know I'm home alone, Its Seven thirty and the sun is going down, Its a Summer night and the fun is going down, I picked her up and she looks all dolled up, Sitting passenger in my rag impala , I let her know she looks beautiful to me, The world is an ugly place but she's such a site to see

“What’s up papi?” You ask into the receiver after you answer, glancing at your alarm clock to check the time since Oscar said he wouldn’t be picking you up until later since he had to go take care of something.

“Ima pull up on you so we can dip, I finished a bit earlier than expected so I figured we could kick it for a bit before the party started.” You hear him say, his voice sort of muffled by the sound of air coming in through his rolled down windows along with the music he was playing.

“Are you asking or telling me?” You smirk as you put him on speaker so you can hurry up and pull on your outfit.

“Telling, so hurry up and pull those jeans over that ass of yours.” He reply’s smugly,”Wear those hoops I bought you too, I like the way they sparkle and shit.”

“You’re lucky I love you.” You laugh as you shake your head and jump into your too tight jeans. Your legs poking out from the ripped areas,”The only man I will ever let boss me around.” You joke

“Only women I let boss me around.”

“Don’t you forget it.” You retort as your search for the specific hoops among all your other ones, letting Oscar talk about who knows what while you finish getting ready,”Damn do you gotta pull up banging like that?” You ask him a few minutes later as you grab your phone, Oscar’s famous red car now parked in your driveway,”I can hear you all the way from Beverly Hills.”

“Fuck Beverly Hills, your ass would never be caught there. Besides you’re the one that bought me the speakers.” He reminds as you make your way out after quickly saying by to your grandparents who sat outside in the garden.

“Yeah I’m starting to regret that.” You tell him when you walkout, hanging up and sliding your phone into your back pocket,”What are you staring at fool?” You tease as you open the door and climb in, thankful he cut off the radio so you could actually talk to him.

“You.” He shrugs and leans over to peck you,”You look beautiful...sexy.” He mumbles against your lips,”Cherry?” He asks when he pulls away, a slight shine on his own lips now.

“Strawberry.” You correct him as you buckle up, your smile on full display,”You like?”

“I like everything about you chiquita.” He breaths, his head still in your personal space until your hand pushes him away playfully.

“Back up before you get smacked up.” You warn him, Oscar laughing at your remark.

“That’s my line, you copying my style?”

“It’s not copying when I do it better papi.”

“Better?” He scoffs as he begins to back out of the drive way.

“I didn’t stutter.” You tell him as you pull down the mirror so you could apply more of the gloss,”Don’t be a hater.”

“Hater my ass.”

“Hm.” You hum as you gloss up your lips carefully,”We going to your house?”

“Obviamente, why? You want to go somewhere else or que?”

“I want something from the refresqueria...I don’t know what exactly but something.”

“Yo your ass always wants to eat something.” He chuckles,”What do you want this time? Hot Cheetos, elote, tacos, or a bu...”

“Aye, if you keep it up I’ll make you buy it all.” You cut him off

“I let you get away with too much, I need to quit spoiling you. You’re attitude gets worse everyday.”

“You want me to get out of the car?” You ask smugly as you reach over and take his free hand that wasn’t on the steering wheel,”I’ll walk home and leave you all alone.”

“You ain’t walking nowhere.” He laughs and brings your intertwined hands up to place a reassuring kiss to the back of yours. You don’t respond, your smile growing wider as you look out the window.

The temp was eighty and I'm cruising with my lady, Playing some Ralphie Pagan, "Oh Baby Baby", I see my home boys and they're cruising in their rides, With their ladies sitting by their side, People think we look crazy, but I think we look classy, But then again that's only if you ask me

“Looks like the homies had the same idea.” Oscar says after he parks in the crowded lot.

“Oh the girls are here.” You say happily as you take notice of the royal blue low rider parked next to a similar car in black,”Let’s go say hi.” You exclaim, not giving Oscar time to respond as you jump out and walk over to your group of friends,”What’s up bitches?!” You squeal

“Hey girl!” The two girls say mutually as they each pull away from their respective boy friend to come greet you.

“What’s up.” Sad Eyez smiles while Joker gives you a head nod, before the three guys engage in a conversation.

“Did you guys order already?” You ask as you take notice of all the people waiting for their food.

“Yes and the line took forever. If you want you can have some of our shit, you already know Fransico’s scrawny ass is only going to take two bites before he’s full.” Sad Eyez girl, Gia, informs you.

“Yeah girl, you can have some of our shit too.” Lena shrugs,”It should be here any second, besides all these people staring at us got me feeling some type of way.”

“What who’s staring?!” Gia says loudly as she looks around, her red dyed hair flapping about,”I’ll kindly tell them to fuck off.”

“Someone staring at y’all?” Oscar asks, him and the other guys coming closer protectively.

“More or less.” Lena reply’s as she grabs a hold of Joker’s arm,”It’s fine, how could they not stare when we rolled up in the sexiest cars.”

“Period.” You laugh and lean against your boyfriend,”Sexiest cars and the baddest bitches.”

“Man, they just hating cause we some classy mofos.” Oscar laughs loudly,”However, if anyone has a problem they can address it with me.” He adds loudly causing everybody in ear shot to look away rather quickly.

“Shhh, before you get us kicked off the property.” You giggle and stand up on your tip toes to give him a small kiss,”The foods almost here and I’ll be pissed if I can’t eat any.” You say before letting him return to his previous conversation so you can do the same. After another few minutes a worker comes out and finds you guys with ease and hands out the items.

“Thank you guys so much, I’ll see y’all tonight right?” You ask after taking a bite of your chile covered fruit minutes later.

“Most definitely! See you in a bit!” Gia calls as she hangs out the window as Sad Eyez drives off. Jokers car following them with a honk.

“Let’s go bebe.” Oscar says and ushers you toward the car, opening the passenger side door before heading around to his side. Wanting to get in some alone time before tonight started and he would have to share your attention.

My homeboys throwing a back yard boogie, So every body gets together to unwind, relax and have a fun time, The DJ is spinning so I grab the mic and be like, Ain't nothing like them summer nights, The party is packed with beautiful woman and, A gang of the homies that want to get with them, And they'll say anything just to hit em, And its usually a nice summer night when they did em, Idon't know, it must be something in the air, Can't help but have a good time, because the feeling is there, To some people the feeling is rare, They're at the pad saying God dam I wish I was there, To have a drink, have a tok and hook up, With some one fine but the kind that looks up, Got to keep some pisto in the cup, Party until the sun comes up or we give up

After spending time with Oscar at his place for a while you guys ended up going to the party that was now in full effect when you pulled up. You head to the backyard hand in hand before finding a few other Santo members and taking a seat with them, well you sat on Oscar’s lap of course as you looked out at the swarm of people. You sigh contently as you lean back against him, listening to his conversation and laughing when he did since you could feel the rumble of his chest.

“Look at Cesar.” You whisper in his ear as you watch the younger Diaz flirt with some girl.

“He ain’t got no game.” Oscar says teasingly,”See.” He says moments later when the girl walks away rather quickly.

“Stop, he’s trying.” You laugh and shake your head when he goes straight to another girl.

“He’s failing.”

“Didn’t it take you three times before I finally said yes to go on a date with you.”

“Aye that was a long time ago and we’re talking about him, not us.” Oscar smacks his lips as his fingers dig into your side.

“I’m just saying.” You giggle before turning your head so you can kiss his cheek,”You want a drink?”

“Corona please.”

“I’ll be right back.” You nod and get up so you can go in search of a cooler. You retrieve two cold bottles before making your way back and sitting back down on a awaiting Oscar.

“Thank you Chiquita.”

“You’re welcome.” You tell him before taking a sip of your drink. The rest of the night being spent socializing or forcing Oscar to occasionally dance with you.

As I close out my summer night and say good night, Its time to put the top up and park it, drop it, Unplug the ground, roll up the windows and lock it, Walk into the pad and fall into bed, As she lays on my chest to rest her sleepy head

“Tonight was fun.” You tell Oscar sleepily as you lay on top of him, now dressed in one of his t-shirts.

“It was good seeing the whole neighborhood click up like that.”

“Yeah...Summers the best.” You hiccup,”I might still be a little tipsy. Just a little.”

“I could have told you that after your fourth beer mami. I thought I was going to have to carry you out of the party.” He laughs as he lazily rubs your back.

“You should have carried me anyway, queens shouldn’t have to walk.” You laugh softly,”Am I a queen?”

“Mi reina.” Oscar reassures you with a kiss to the top of your head

“Good answer.” You yawn as your eyes flutter close,”I love summer.”

“Me too, I love summer nights with you the most though.” He admits,”Go to sleep mami, we’ll continue the party tomorrow.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.” He nods, holding your body to his until you’ve fallen into a deep slumber and he’s done the same. The first night of Summer taking a toll on the both of you, luckily you guys still had three more months left of it to enjoy.

[sheresh0y]

Mar'eyce Introduces:

Ro Donetta-Awaud: He/Him, 30-ish

Along with his family:

Dagon Donetta-Awaud: He/Him, 28-ish

Tann Donetta-Awaud: 11-ish

Kato Donetta-Awaud: 5-ish

Ellis Donetta-Awaud: 5-ish

A/N: I decided to go balls to the wall with the rest of these characters. So much backstory. All of it. I'm dumping it right here. Drabbles will added, moodboards whenever the fancy strikes. The rest of Arumorut has had their stories told at this point in the story so, fuck it, whatever. I love these OCs too much and I'm screaming it from rooftops, baby. I know suck at writing children and these Awaud children are definitely come across as way too old but go with me on this. I also left the children's pronouns empty because I'm not entirely sure what they're all trying to tell me yet. I'll update it when they let me know.

Warnings: This fic and AU is 18+ for a reason. Mentions of parental death, swearing, slavery and unwanted children mentions. Ro's a little sad boy under all that armor.

Read from the beginning: Mar'eyce Masterlist

Ro Doneeta was born to Volya and Rol Doneeta, Twi'lek freedom fighters turned Rebels. When Ro had turned four, his parents went a on a routine trip for supplies and never came home. He was adopted shortly after by Kai and Ilyah, a quickly and quietly whispered pact made by the only two parents in their corner of The Rebellion after one too many close calls.

"Take care of them, for us. Please."

The Awauds openly encouraged Ro to participate in Twi'lek culture. Just because he was a Mandalorian now didn't mean he stopped being a Twi'lek as well. The entire clan learned Ryl and Kai and Ilyah found mentors for him to teach him the things they couldn't. They were never sure if they did right by their son, but they tried their best.

After the Awauds retired from the war and were sent back to Arumorut, when Ro and Kaiyah were sixteen, Ro threw himself into the deep end of medicine. It wasn’t humble in the way that Ba’buir was, he didn’t want to train the clan in first aid or help children with their sniffles. Ro had lost so much to the galaxy and this was his fuck you.

First, his ryma and kora, then his lek, now his buir. Kai’buir was physically there, but mentally, emotionally they were nowhere to be found. It was like he had died without dying. Ro decided he was going to fix it all, no one in his family was dying again. Nobody was getting left behind. For everything the galaxy took from Ro, he was going to drag back to this life with his bare hands.

After a few months of shadowing Ba'buir Nejaa, Ro was decided to pursue medical school on Naboo. It was a relatively peaceful planet, since tourism was most of the economy they were malleable to whoever was in charge. This meant that Ro couldn't just walk around anywhere. The Empire was still standing and he was a Mandalorian who may or may not be wanted.

Ba'buir Nejaa said no immediately. Their reasoning was the armor. Armor was important, every Mandalorian wore it all the time. The only reason Nejaa didn't anymore was because Kaiyah needed a new set and they had gifted their set to her. Ro didn't have this exception so he tried a compromise: he would wear the chest plate under his clothes. The plate was the biggest piece of armor he had and helped the most with regulating his temperature anyway. It wasn't comfortable but it was the best he could come up with.

About four years into his medical education, Ro met Dagon through some mutual friends. It was terror at first sight, the poor Zabrak man was missing nearly all of his right ear and Ro knew it was his fault. His stupid plan to fight an Aryx head-on had consequences he didn't full think of at the time.

Try as he might to avoid Dagon, it didn't matter. It was like the up and coming designer was everywhere, Dagon seemed to have his own gravity and Ro was quickly pulled in.

It didn't take long for them to fall in love, by the third official date Dagon was asking Ro to move in and by the fifth they were married. For his part, Dagon took everything Mandalorian related in stride. He barely blinked when Ro explained soulmates and the reasons they were both all scarred up on the first date. He just asked if 'his Mandalorian' had anyone to take care of him.

When Ro graduated school, not quiet a doctor but close enough, the couple had a long talk about the future. They both knew they wanted kids but The Empire was still looming. It wasn't safe for Mandalorians to be openly walking around and they were both faced with the thought it might never be. Dagon understood that his children would be raised Mandalorian. It was close to the way Zabraki culture was. Clans, fighting, it made sense for the most part. Even though he had parted he had parted ways with his family, Dagon knew Ro couldn't do that.

He had been officially introduced to most of the Awaud clan when Ro had graduated, Dagon threw a little get together in honor of his riduur and the only people on Ro's must invite list was his family. They had a bond that went closer than blood and Dagon knew his clan of two needed to do.

He moved the clan of two back to Arumorut, using the ship that Nejaa and Kaiyah brought to move the stuff that Dagon couldn't or wouldn't sell, Ro never seemed to hold on to much.

Ro was furious, initially. Dagon had plans, big plans, to be a designer and he was right at the cusp of finally getting his own line. Moving back to Arumorut would be a step back for his career or end it entirely. In Ro's mind, he could at least play security while Dagon chased his dreams and then they could settle down wherever. It didn't matter to Ro as long as he got to see his family regularly, somewhere Mid or Outer Rim, he didn't want to be too far in case of an emergency.

The move ended up being the best thing to happen to them, not a month after settling in Kaiyah brought home a little Twi'lek girl. She couldn't have been older than five, but with her malnutrition it was hard to guess and she didn't know. She didn't even have a name and barely spoke Huttese.

They named her Tann, for hope.

A year later, while debating on putting their names with an adoption agency now that The New Republic existed and Ro could get his record expunged since his Rebel activities were no longer deemed as 'treason' or 'terrorism', the twins fell in their laps. A woman had shoved the babies on Jax, who was working on a bounty at the time, she said she couldn't take care of them and knew that the Mandalorians could. Jax didn't have a soulmate at the time and knew that the Donetta-Awauds were thinking about adopting again, so he asked if they would like to add the Zabraki twins to their family. The boys couldn't have been more than a few months old, their skin was more pink than the vibrant red it now was.

Kato, for Dagon's father. Even if they didn't talk he still liked the name.

Ellis, for Ro's buir. It was her clan name before she joined Kai.

Ro knew he made the right choice when Kai-buir cried. It sounded terrible at the time, like he enjoyed making his father cry, but it was such a relief to find out that he could. That Kai wasn't entirely gone, just not always there.

Ro still asks Dagon if he regretted it. Losing his fashion line, being a boring tailor to people who didn't really need a tailor. On those days Dagon holds Ro closer, his chin resting on his Mandalorian's head, "Never. Not once. I've never been happier than when I'm with you. 'Boring tailor' and all. Ni kar'tayl gar darasuum, cyare."

^ Ro in his full armor. Isn't he a handsome boy?

Translations & Other Headcanons:

Ryma: Ryl, mother

Kora: Ryl, father

Buir: Mando'a, parent

Kai-buir: Mando'a, masc parents typically go by the first three letters of their name followed by 'buir'. The Donetta-Awaud children don't really follow this rule since they have one Buir and one Edalinare (Zabraki, family).

Ba'buir: Mando'a, grandparent

I headcannon Ro as a doctor who did all the bookwork, but never the internships which I believe is eight-ish years of school? Correct me if I'm wrong I just wanted to keep the timeline in some kind of order for myself (leaving Arumorut at sixteen + eight years of school leaves Ro somewhere near 24 when they have Tann, 25 for the twins). I also know that half the stuff Ro does in Arumorut a unlicensed doctor could never do in real life, but in his mind it got him close enough to what he wanted to do, hence the joke about 'not a doctor but close enough'. He was pretty over med school, honestly. Besides, he learned the good stuff from Nejaa (who is nowhere near doctor status, think closer to field medic/EMT who has Seen Some Shit).

Riduur: Mando'a, spouse

Tann: Ryl, hope

Ni kar'tayl gar darasuum, cyare: Mando'a, I know you forever, beloved.

In my brain, Dagon is like 6'4", 6'5"-ish and Ro is a short king comparatively coming in at a hot 5'8", 5'9" (he swears up and down he's a solid 5'10". He's not.) Ro is almost always little spoon and doesn't mind it one bit.

I feel like I need to add a disclaimer: did I accidentally create Numa and her uncle with Tann and Ro? Yes, yes I did. Do I really care at this point? No, because it makes moodboards easy. Numa and her family belong to Disney and Lucasfilms, I did not create them and I don't want anyone to think I did. That arc plus the fact she shows up in Rebels makes me cry.