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pwblogarchive · 4 months ago

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July 2005

July 4, 2005

your number one with a bullet:

i love the way you have with me.

i love william beckett. like a boy loves a boy.

i love this one girl. she makes me swoon.

i love your tired eyes trying to keep up with us on stage.

i love the way youre gonna make me an honest man.

and im kinda easy on the eyes sometimes, right?

i love being up at 9 am.

i love the night.

i love living forever.

i love summer.

i am loving this.

and you and everything.

you cant miss me, baby boy, we're doing big things.

thanks for always being the bestfriends and fans we could ever have.

- petey

July 4, 2005

----dearests

sorry i never get on the internet anymore. we're in fresno, california. warped tour has completely taken over our lives. everything we breathe and do is warped tour right now. we love seeing all of your little red faces singing with us. we're working on a new video right now. we'll probably shoot it later on this summer. we've also got some other exciting things coming up. theres nothing like seeing the same people over and over again over the years. you mean the world to us. keep up the votes over at TRL! we're thinking about you every second, so don't forget us. lets just live forever and ever. we've got some new plans coming for the end of this summer and fall.

hot and miserable but totally in love.

love you all

peter.joe.patrick.andy.

July 7, 2005

hey beauties.

hotness on warped tour.

checking in. just stealing an internet signal from our friends in My Chem. speaking of, we are really excited to have them on the TRL countdown with us! good music is taking over again. keep voting! the info is on the front page. if we keep it up there, we're pushning to do a free fans only show with mtv paying for the venue!! keep your fingers crossed. you guys have always been our ambassadors and made the world listen- number one with a bullet. we are going to be on the cover of Alternative press later this year. we did the photoshoot for it- kind of a creepy idea. but we're excited for you to see it. we have also been writing a treatment for a new video- i think it'll suprise some people. we don't get on here as much lately due to all the madness going on with Warped tour. but we still wanted to let you know how much your support means to our band, and it shows on a daily basis. so thank you. boo and yah. i dyed my hair black. now it doesn't look so shitty anymore. blah. i am tired but it's way too hot out to sleep. howl's moving castle is a great movie and made me feel alive. thanks for coming out to the shows...

i heart leslie simon. go listen to maximo park before you fall asleep. it will make you smile and miss someone/something you love.

"i sleep with my hands across my chest and dream of you with someone else..."

keep on living (forever).

xo peter

July 11, 2005

Soooo its been a dramafree summer so far which is amazing. Almost as good as swimming pools and sleepovers. I'm watching the notebook does that make me sucky? Circle y or n. I need to take a shower. Nobody likes a dirty boy. I really don't have anything good to say.... No good words or neat quotes. Oh well.

Can you vote us back to number 1 on trl? That was a pretty amazing moment for us and we'd love to have another shot at it. Again, its all up to you though the info is in the news on the front page.

I miss you dearly.

July 12, 2005

i'm in canada. it can't take me. i am stealing all of it's candy and pretty colored money. hidden behind eyes painted up to block out the sun. no more talking about hair color and eye color - the who's who of future failures. throw it away. close your eyes and put the speaker next to your pillow. dream away. dream yourself to life. stop wasting your eyes trying to figure out who is the heart - the smile - the voice - the words. you can't pull them apart. its just a mess. how you understand us is so one dimensional. but changes are coming. you won't wrap your head around us so easily. "you're nobody until somebody loves you" at least that's half true. let's not make it through the night. come on. you look so wrong but you feel so right. "he tastes like you only sweeter he tastes like you only sweeter he tastes like you only sweeter he tastes like you only sweeter..." and so on until the end. sometimes i'm just a goddamned lunatic. but i only keep myself this sick in the head cause i know how you get off on these words.

baby, ive got it bad for you.

peter

ps i love seeing all the s.o. kids and overcast kids... it makes my heart race

pps just call me up and tell me everything is going to be okay. it came out of nowhere and i just want everyone to know our thoughts are with them.

www.clandestineindustries.com - get your body covered in our ideas... fall line s(w)oon

www.jeanae.com - get your hur cut

www.infectkids.com - get your website designed

- petey

July 13, 2005

Hey from vancouver. I just got a new belt buckle and made a hoody. Just heard we were number three on trl. It blows my mind that you have kept us on there this long. Haha. I totally brag to other bands about how much cooler our fans our. Yeah I know I'm lame. But you guys make me proud. Take us to number 1. Its in your hands and io definitely feel okay about that. I trust you.

Well I gotta go and talk about how shitty I thought the new fantastic four movie was.

Love can't save you. Only my new powers can.

Stay in touch and see you soon

Xo peter

July 15, 2005

Woah. I feel almost bad saying it cause we are putting it out, but trust me I had nothing to do with it: the new panic at the disco songs will change how your head feels. You guys are doing an amazing job. Me and ryan worked together on some lyrics for it and I have to say he put me to shame.

Also, I wanted to say rest in peace chuck. Our thoughts go out to your family. Please be respectful and keep conversations about this off of livejournals and messageboards. Thank you to mcr and ray toro for filling in for a show.

Jose canseco is a madman. So am I.

Though I am over hearing your thoughts on haircuts and pants. I'm over us trying to be perfect tens for your little eyes. We don't care what you think of us. Listen to a song and time your heartbeat. Let it be okay to fall asleep slow tonight. Think about a good friend. Think about god. Think about death. Think about someone elses hand clumsily on your belt in the dark. Think it will be okay.

No more rants

No more poetry

Not tonight.

True love for the believers. Thank you. Keep on l i/o ving

July 17, 2005

From the diary of a madman: I think possibly I have been letting things get to me too much lately. Or maybe I hadn't been enough before. Either way, I'm sorry. Maybe one day we can explain both of our perspectives and laugh out loud at how stupid we sounded when we worried about "girls pants and selling out". Sometimes its hard to look in the mirror and feel okay with the person looking back. I've been going through a lot, not like its an excuse but more like I feel you deserved to know.

In other news, I haven't gotten the new harry potter yet but as soon as I do well talk about how awesome you/it is.

July 19, 2005

“guysanddolls-”

i guess we are half way to retirement on TRL. how insane is that? it makes me kinda giggle a little bit. but in a good way. thanks for keeping us in there and up so high on it. it probably doesn't mean a whole lot to you and it doesn't get us invited to any cool parties but what it does is get our label excited- so we can get money to make a better video! we have a plan coming together for it. it's gonna be a bit R. Kelly (but none of the pedophilia), a bit star wars (but none of the jar jar binks), and a bit sixteen candles (but- oh wait- but nothing we love that thing). haha i probably just gave you the weirdest impression of our video. i had the best time on kimmel the other night. i wish they could air the whole show- i proposed to caprice- i think it made her gag hahahaha and joe did metal hands/wizard claw a bunch. it was just fun. the way our shows always used to be. we got some plans for the fall tour that are gonna make you swoon- especially our old friends. remember when i made you guys that mixed cd- instead of talking about whose gay and whose got what girlfriend- tell me the perfect mixed cd for me right now... mwah. im gonna update the buzznet in a bit with some new pics. r.i.p. that sunburst bass- im glad he had a chance to get his fifteen minutes before he died. hehe. it was kind of sad all warped. it wouldn't stay in tune cause of this huge crack in it. i have decided i hate playing on tv, i always come off wrong- if i smile too much it means i am obsessed with attention, if i don't smile enough it means i am having a bad day. i think i am going to make a shirt that says what mood i am in. mostly it will be shy/looking for a starbucks mood. or maybe when we have to play tv i think i will just hide behind a post and highfive korean tom cruise a bunch. i flew home to see my mom today, so sorry i missed talking to everyone in l.a. last night- she bought me new socks and cologne so i won't be the smelly kid in class anymore. i go on the internet too much. i don't know why the q and a on the site isn't working but it bothers me just as much as you. i have alot of answers just bubbling inside me- favorite color- hrm i dunno. do you have a gf- uh david from simple plan. does patrick have a gf- uh this one girl...

wow i need to sleep. keep voting. keep loving.

for the longer story: www.fueledbyramen.com/journal

time to make my dogs circle pit.

peter

July 19, 2005

to the peanut gallery: just flew in on the red eye. it feels so amazing to be at home. Kimmy Jimmel (fix the spelling on that one hehe). was one of the best "tv" shows we've ever played. the crowd was amazing. contrary to popular belief my bass was smashed because it had an unfixable crack all the way through the neck- korean tom cruise looked at me before we played and said "this is it for this one" - so we figured we'd send it out with a bang. don't worry we had a funeral for it. i don't know the story about joe throwing his guitar, but i'm guessing it was a good one. i dunno the story about breaking the mic stand, it just looked like it was sitting there taunting me. besides i kinda wanted korean tom cruise to get a bit of screen time. i was in the worst mood all day/week, so low and playing that show just definitely brightened my day. seeing all of those happy faces... i'm definitely gonna write more later. i just wanted to thank all of the kids who came out or glued their sleepy little eyes to the screen late at night- i am sorry i didn't get to say hey and all, i had to go to the airport right when we finished.

xxoo

dont believe everything you read on the internet.

most of all what we write on it. haha.

peter

July 19, 2005

wrote you a goodbye note (you just wrote me off) on your arm when you passed out. bestfriends, exfriends- better off as lovers not the other way around. racing through the city in the back of yellow checkered cars. the takeoffs are the worst but the skin from your shoulder to your ear makes it all worth it. and im sorry the way my moods flicker on and off like old light on your porch, but i know you wouldn't have it any other way. sneaking in your window instead of out. the way you hold a cigarette cause you don't know what to do with your hands when we are sitting this close. the way the waists of pants feel better at the ankles. the way you always were my best excuse for calling in sick on everyone else. i miss you.

- petey

July 19, 2005

first to all the kids at kimmel! thank you so much. i know alot of kids travelled far away and got there really early. it suprised me how many people i recognized. you didn't go unnnoticed! alot of people emailed about smashing the bass and what kind of mood i was in. i wish they had shown the whole show. that show made me light up. i felt alive. i don't know why i break stuff, its cause im little and strange. i throw mic stands and spit water and lick joes guitar. and being able jump on stuff and touch your sweaty little arms, honestly it gives me chills as dumb as it sounds. its all how the chords and words feel when they come out.

"you want a war, you've got a war but what are you fighting for?"

hey. here i am 35,000 feet off of the ground writing to you. i will upload this when i land i guess. i'm not even too sure what i am writing for. not breaking new ground or breaking down. just maybe i need to take a break from getting on here so much cause i tend to run my mouth/heart without thinking too much about it. sometimes i need (alright alright) slow down. anyway. all of the growth and changes get to me too. i guess everyone says you get what you wished for. but this was never a genie in a lamp for me. it's always just been me and my bestfriends. and sometimes it feels weird inside like being pulled apart. and maybe people like my smile and patricks voice and joe's spins and how nice andy is or they hate how short i am and i can't think of any of the stuff anyone hates about the other boys but i've heard it- and it just feels weird, cause we never did this thing so it would become what it has. we always just wanted to sit in between the speakers in your bedroom and spin you to sleep. and these kids are my bestfriends. we talk about sometimes just disappearing off of the face of the planet and just doing something else. and everyone kind of laughs but just for a minute it sounds like the best idea. we are so happy and in love with everyone who has stuck it out with us. and i'm SOrry if i seem distant at times, my head is just filled with ideas, good and bad- its funny when you keep letting the same person get to you over and over and over and over- i'll try and be better. after having my livejournal hacked, i kind of decided maybe i need to take a break from just sitting on the internet and trying to decipher every little thing out there and at the same time drop coded messages everywhere. anyway, more than anything. i just wanted to thank you for helping me bloom and become a better person, or at least want to become a person that you could actually look up to. its time to be the dreamer instead of the dream///

talk to you soon.

i am going to go read the entire new harry potter book right this second.

peter

July 21, 2005

If you like My Chemical Romance, Saves The Day, Midtown, New Found Glory, Taking Back Sunday, BrandNew or Fall Out Boy....and you want to see where it all came from. Find your way to www.hellfest.com and go see the band that started it all: Lifetime

Oh yeah. Then vote for us on TRL. We want to be your number one again.

July 21, 2005

you/we are safe and (se)cure. no more stealing glances like a thief.. taking chances without giving them back. and maybe i take advantage of that by staring too long. but if you wanted the stars i wouldn’t rest until i was able to pull every one down and name one after each twinkle in your eyes.. and hope you don’t frown when we run out of stars. i just love that spark of light i get to see when all the other lights are out. you have the best smile even better than mine. this is for your memories section, this is for forever. we’re kissing out dreams goodbye cause who needs dreams when we have this. we’re risking everything and nothing could be more worth it.

i guess my point is, you make me wanna fall in love and get stuck - haha

July 21, 2005

lately i’ve been into believing fictional stories like the ones about me and you being happy. they’ve gotta be science fiction because how else can you have a monster fall in love with a boy with no heart? actually i’m pretty sure you have a heart, but i’m just as certain it’ll never be mine. i can tell you’re willing to be loved somewhere on the inside but that doesn’t do me any good when i’m still seeing things through thick curtains over windows and padlocked doors on the outside. bitter regrets, predictable forfeits. we lit a fire that was nothing but smoke and hot air. ashes. my hands are empty and you hold all the cards, kind of funny how you don’t even want them/me. the final nail in my coffin stabbed me in the heart - from my back. you once made my heart skip a beat, now you make it want to skip this. you’ve got salty mails ripping my wounds open that you’re telling me to let heal. Love is a mirage, you only think it’s there for so long..til you either wise up or die of hydration. love is the way to blow your brains out minus the gun, i swear. it’s the stupidest form of suicide cause you don’t die. and whatever doesn’t kill you only laughs at you for coming close enough to. sorry, it’s just the bitterness talking. ignore it/me. i’m just loose words hanging on the ends of your lips, even looser when i’m anywhere near your hips. poetry written from blistered fingertips and sleep deprived eyes that was better before the ink dried. He said, "I should have stayed with her,” and I should have stayed away. held together by paperclips and lies, a part of me is still trying to pretend i was (mis)hearing things but even the voices in my head aren’t that mean to me. and them “i’m sorry,” too late, i’m a better (re)actor than the one you’re being to convince me. i’m just convinced that telemarketers are the only people with more hang ups than me. you called this before you knew the number, and hung up before you got a response. tell me any of this will get me somewhere worth being without being left behind. i tried, i gave it/you my all, but all i can do is give up. i don’t tell you my insecurities so you can use them against me, but help me get over them. instead you said and did the worst thing you could do. worse than cheating to me, i hope you know. but whatever i don’t even know, i guess sometimes it takes losing what you had to see what you didn’t.

June 23, 2005

From the bottom of our blackened hearts. Thank you for making us number one on trl. Its hotter than hell in dallas right now and we want to go to a waterpark. Koreantom cruise isn’t helping it go down though.

We always knew how you felt. Now the world knows.

Honestly. Beaming from cheek to cheek.

July 24, 2005

Sometimes when you’re feeling this blue the right smile can save you.

July 26, 2005

We spend way too much time talking about this one band f.o.b. (Both in a good way and a bad way). So let's focus some time on bands that are really underappreciated:

Panic! At the Disco- I just heard the new record mixes. I must say. I want to live inside their songs. I think I could be happy.

Lifetime- I wouldn't have made it through highschool without this band.

The Plain White T's- people don't get it yet, but I think they will.

Gym Class Heroes- people don't get this one yet either. And that's sad cause I think years later they will be considered a groundbreaking band.

Quicksand- I don't even know what to say. Go buy "Slip".

July 30, 2005

“baby boy don't be blue. we've got big plans for you.”

ive been up for three days straight trying to get you off of my mind. but your stuck like super glue. what a mess. i can't say i mind it. i am in love with the show 24. it's obsession. summertime is running. sprinting. it kinda makes me feel sick to my stomach. come back. punched a wall so i couldn't type anymore. gotta make it stop. all these paragraphs have become rainchecks. promises on things that will never change. and oh god. the cameras flash at us in the dark. i miss the days of sweat dripping under the radar, just off of the grid. the grogshop. the fireside bowl. chainraction. the greendoor. the downtown. the arlington heights knights of columbus. the continental. the crystal ball never looks this clear looking into the past. im becoming vaguely disinterested in myself and all of my excuses and complaints. and you're pretty easy on the eyes- i never know how to end my conversations with you. i need a writer. i need a script. im getting desperate.

"we're just a wetdream for the webzines. make us hip, make us hip. make us scene"

July 30, 2005

Thanks for keeping us on trl! We have some cool ideas coming up and also a bit of news for our friends in u.k.... As soon as we have more details well let you know, as we hate to miss shows under any circumstances.

And j, happy birthday.

07/30/05 Q&A

question

so pete, since you wrote the lyrics for saturday, was it originally patrick and i attacked the laws of astoria? can you take off your pants with your tongue?

answer

yes. and we had to change it to make sense.

question

Patrick has the SEXIEST voice! Are you jealous?

answer

nah hes my best buddy. we dont get jealous of eachother.

question

HEYYY!! old Joely Moely has been saying some nice stuff bout you Petey Wenztyy!! hehe!! im glad you guys n GC know each other!! my 2 fav bands!!!! yeaaa!!! oh and me n my yahoo buddy wanna know if we can touch you?? lol MADD LUV GRACIE

answer

me and joel hung out a bunch the other day. he’s definitely a good guy.

question

In The Song Atavan Halen Does Brendon From Panic At The Disco Sing In It And If So Which Parts? YOU GUYS ROCK

answer

yes the prechorus “keep telling myself…”

question

haha i just read a fan fic about you and frankie from mcr going out.

answer

man, you wish that was fiction.

question

hey pete you meanie, a group of us from the message boards (the messageboard bitches as we like to call ourselves) were upset that you NEVER answered any of our questions, so we got together and asked you around 400 questions. they were good questions too, funny and random because we thought they could get your attention and make you laugh and hopefully just maybe youd answer at least one. but no, we were let down. and yet you answer such things as “patrick and andy are so sexy!” why is this pete? just why? its so disappointing.

answer

look all you needed to do was ask 400 questions to get one answered. ps. i love you even if you hate me.

question

I read a lot of band journals and you are mentioned in almost all of them. How/why are you so popular?

answer

i pay good money for all my friends.

question

Im so flaming pissed at you guys right now. “we only do it for the scars & stories, not the fame” what the fuck happened to that?! seems you sure are doing it for the fame, ditching your whole European tour for a stupid VMA. that is fucking ridiculous and i hope you all feel fucking shitty, but im sure you wont feel as shitty as the fans you made a commitment to who were so excited to see you and spent TONS of money on you. I hope MCR beats you for that VMA, they dont screw their fans over. ill never buy another piece of fall out boy merch or pay the money that i was going to pay to go on your overcastkids trip to texas, because you guys probably wont show up to that either. fuck you.

answer

i’m sorry you are angry. we feel terrible that we have let you and a bunch of our other fans over there angry. we miss you. we are going to make this up to you. hopefully, we’ll get another chance with you— its not about selling our merch or tickets- its a chance for a connection. i apologize. this was beyond our control.

question

do you think you are hot? do you think anyone is hot?

answer

i dont think i am hot. i definitely think alot of people are hot. smart ones, funny ones, pretty ones.

#fall out boy #pete wentz #livejournal

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lonleygirl222 · 4 months ago

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This is to myself

Why do I lash out? That isn’t me. I’m patient & kind. Respectful, loving, helpful.

I hate myself more than I should. I tell you I constantly go back and forth with posting on here. One no one reads what I have to say (could be good, could be bad).

I shouldn’t be a mother of two. I shouldn’t even been a mother of one. My life isn’t in order meaning I don’t have a job, or a career. All I want to do is cry on the inside because I want to take myself out. (When I say out I don’t mean a date) 🪦 if you get it cool.

I never get any sort of recognition for anything I do. My own husband doesn’t have conversations with me.

I’m not pretty enough to not use a Snapchat filter, I allow everyone to walk all over me and I allow it because Jesus would turn the other cheek. So I never say anything.

I constantly think about dying. But then I selfishly don’t want to leave my kids behind. I hate my mother so much because she NEVER pushed me or uplifted me to achieve my dreams or goals. She mainly the reason why I have so many issues within myself.

I want to cut again, but I can’t hide it so I smoke the BAD THC. I don’t smoke cigarettes because those are just gross.

I don’t upkeep myself and I have a deep feeling because I don’t I’m about to pay the ultimate price of life. I’m scared but I’m ready for whatever. I’m sad all the time and I mask up so people don’t notice..

I don’t know how to love myself or know what love really feels like.. I feel like I’ve wasted years of my life I can’t get back or make up. My marriage should have ended along time ago because everyone knows that he wants to leave me but doesn’t because “the kids”.

I know I’m not loved as a person, or liked as a person. I have no friends to call when I’m sad, mad, or just need someone to talk to. My own sister doesn’t have time for me but when she needs something for her own gain she’s a call or text away.

I want to be someone else so bad. From the inside out. People tell me to pray. But I do I ask God I BEGG him to please take all of this away. I believe and I’m a believer but when am I going to get a break?

Is this punishment for the lies, the cheating, the semi abusive ways? I don’t know what it’s like to feel the love of Jesus Christ. I want to know I want it! In my heart I want it so bad.

My son made me feel so bad about his upbringing. He wasn’t abused at all. We just moved ALOT!! He never knew what it was like to stay at one school.

I love my kids but if I would have given my son up for adoption he would have a better life with the family I chose. I hate myself because I’m not mentally okay! I’m not mentally strong or stable.

I refuse medication because of the side effects, I don’t trust anything anymore..

I have no soul I feel. I just everyday to forgive me for my sins and thank him for waking me up. But I’m so SOOOO miserable. Everything literally everything.

I’ve mentally checked out of my marriage because my husband decided to what I say “ love me less” and blamed it on money issues like that’s basically all I want from him. He didn’t have a lot of money when I got with him so idk why that matters at all.

I cheated on him a bunch of times so I wouldn’t be surprised if Im never loved again. (I won’t put him on blast as to why I stepped out)

Over all im sick and tired of my life. Constantly in a roadblock, never being accepted for jobs. Im 35 and I’ve only held ONE job for a year. Cuz I as a child I was never able to go work at 16 like my sister did. So I don’t have a lot of job history.

Point is I’m NEVER GOING TO BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYTHING! I don’t have a placement in this world! I don’t bring anything to the table. So I wouldn’t blame my husband for wanting to “find” someone else or talk to someone else..

I’m broken, damaged, and a used product.

That is all

0 notes

franeridart · 4 years ago

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Anon said: Are you still into krbk? I noticed you haven't draw them a lot recently (I don't mean to pressure you, I was just wondering)

I still very much am!!! but a convergence of unrelated happenings (my focus being unusually scattered, lack of general motivation, them not having interacted much in the manga lately, my having pulled out of the fandom a little for a bunch of reasons, having gotten into a lot of new things I want to make a lot of stuff for ??) had my output of stuff for them/inspiration related to them die down a lot ): I miss them though, I should fill a page with doodles of them one of these days... well, I haven’t drawn much in genereal lately, so maybe let’s start first with fixing that haha

Anon said: Fun Fact : In smash bros ultimate there are spirits with octopath traveler and they're in pairs and guess what ? Alfyn and Therion are together :3

I KNOW!!!!!! It makes me so emo I’m a bundle of feelings they’re soulmates I tell youuuuuuuuuuu ;;A;; (little inconsequential things making me a mess, what’s new xD) - another fun fact is that h’aanit and ophilia share one too!! and I ship them too!! and cyrus and tressa share one as well, and they’re my brother’s mains in his save! A series of delightful little coincidences haha

Anon said: Will you be drawing more Jujutsu Kaisen? I love your art sm and I would love to see more!!!!

Right now I feel like I want to spend the next ten years drawing these kids, so I sure hope so! But as I said my focus has been very scattered for the past three or so months, so I can’t promise anything ): let’s both enjoy it while it lasts haha

Anon said: You are my emotional support artist. I check back every once and a while and BOOM. Serotonin.

You’re too kind!!!! But thank you, I’m glad I can make you feel better! :D

Anon said: i'm super new to your art (and mha) and i just wanted to say your krbk stuff is just !!!!!!! it makes me so happy and makes my poor jaded heart feel something and it's just all around incredible!!!

Thank you so much!!!!!!!!!! I’m glad you like my way of portraying the kids!!!!

Anon said: I’m about to cry I’ve spent an hour looking though your bnha tag for that lil comic where Kiri hugs Baku and. It. Sent. Me. Back. To. The. Top. I didn’t even get to finish reading it. I’m so upset. So. So. So. Upset.

(same) Anon said: OH MY GOSH IT KEEPS SENDING ME TO THE TOO I HATE MOBILE AND LOVE YOU I LVOE YOU BUT THIS WEBSITE IS K I L L I N G ME I JIST WANNA SEE WHAT HAPPENS AS KIRI ATTEMPTS TO HUG BAKUGOU BUT NOOOO, AN HOUR OF MY TIME ISNT ENOUGH SAYS THE TIME STEALER

(samesame) Anon said: I. Found the hug thing. On Pinterest. In. Five. Seconds. I hate life but also it was really cute. Thank you but seriously I hate this website

The saga hahaha sorry anon I couldn’t get to you before you went out of your mind trying to find it, I got the asks in the middle of the night! Glad you could find it, though I’m kinda sad you had to look on pinterest for it (...sad it is on pinterest at all tbh) here it is anyway, if this is the one you were talking about! you really went back in the years for this one huh

Anon said: So for that thing that you made a w h i l e ago where Bakugou ruffles Kirishima’s hair, right? So I imagine Kiri is like w h a t and calls over Mina or Denki or Sero or all of them or something like that and tells them and is freaking out and they’re like “he wasn’t in the right mindset, you know he sleeps at 8:32” and make a joke out of it as Kiri is freaking out. And Kiri is freaking out soooo much as they are crying laughing on the floor at Bakugou’s sleeping schedule.

hahaha I’m sure he must have freaked out on them at some point after that, and bakugou must have done the same (probably with jirou, less likely but more hilarious with todoroki or tokoyami haha) - though, the original idea came from a bigger one where the scene in the comic didn’t bring them anywhere closer to getting together (or figuring out they’re into each other, for the matter lmao idiots) maybe one day I’ll get back on that >:]

Anon said: In your comments, you said “at this point my hands will never forget” and I had a nozaki-kun memory float into my head, imagining him sick and trying to make his deadline xD yes muscle memory

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! anon you have no idea how often I think about that hahaha yes, I say my hands won’t forget but we all know that’s exactly how it’ll end at some point lol

Anon said: dang this happens all the time like I follow someone for their bnha content and then like two months after following them I find out they used to make yowapeda content and im just sitting their like dang thats wild because bnha and yowapeda are like the only two animes I watch

ANON!!!! HI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Always so nice to find other ywpd fans!!!!!!!! Sorry I’m not making art for it anymore (for now) but despite my sister insisting I read the manga already I’ve been putting it off......for years lol but it’s on my reading list!! So maybe I’ll get back on it at some point!

Anon said: FRAN!!!!!! i love ur art so much and im trying to buy ur products on redbubble and i geniunely cant decide what to get!!!!! i tired asking my friend but she doesnt know which one either hahahahhahah ig i just wanted to send this because i really appreciate u and u are very talented. im sending u lots of high vibrations and love❤️🧡

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!! It means so much to me that you guys are still buying my stuff (TTATT) I should...........seriously update it..........gomen m(._.)m

Anon said:YES YES YEEES MORE ALFYON ON THE WAYYYYYY 💖💖💖💖💖 They're both the cutest really their ship is the beeest Try reading some the alfyon fanfics if you have some time, they're really good ! The one i really recommend you is Crismonberries, blackberries by court_court on Ao3 !Your art is the best ever can't wait to see more octopath !!💖💖💖

Anon thank you SO MUCH for suggesting that fic to me I!!!!!!!!!!!! loved it so much I deep-dived into it and spent two straight days reading it it’s such a gem!!!!! ;;; bless you

Anon said: Have you watched Fullmetal Alchemist?

Hell yeah! Only Brotherhood though. I read the manga too tho!!

Anon said: Have you read Noragami? It’s one of my favourite manga, and the anime isn’t half bad either (still waiting for s3 tho lol) anyway it’s really good, concept-wise it’s similar to Soul Eater, I totally recommend

I watched the first season back when it aired! It’s not really my thing though ): feels a bit sad in that very specific way that always ends up just making me miserable as I keep reading............................... sorry

Anon said: I will never not be in love with your art. Everytime I'm feeling down and/or missing the boys I scroll through your krbk tag and it reminds me exactly of why I love them so much and I'm so thankful for that. Your brand of krbks is the one I love the most and honestly thank you so much for all your marvelous art of them and of other things as well because you art is just so pretty and I love seeing your ocs and other fandom art 💕💕💕

Anon I love you......................... ;;;;; thank you so much, you have no idea how much this means to me (oTT^TT)o<3

#fran answers #long post #chatter chatter chatter #you guys are always so nice to me man #every time i write out one of these posts i'm overwhelmed by just how much love piles up in my inbox #sob #love you all

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horansqueen · 5 years ago

Text

AM Conversations : chapter 27

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -3.9k. -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- if you want to be notified when this is updated, please message me or leave a comment!

- you can send me questions and theories and comments. tbh they all make me SO SO SO SOOOO HAPPY! and make me want to write more! you can also tell me if there are things you WANT to happen. you never know, i may add it :P

- thanks for being patient btw! i work a lot these days and will work even more in the next few weeks (until halloween) so i may not update as often as i’d like. :(

- not many “Niall & Liv” moments, im sorry. i promise more in the next chapter!!!

-please, message me, give me feedbacks, it would mean sooo much to me!

Chapter 27 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

I was still crying when I parked in front of Niall's house and I stayed a few minutes in my car, my forehead leaning on the wheel as both my hands gripped it tight. I didn't know what I expected but when I felt Niall's hand on my stomach, I was shocked. I knew we had been talking about sex a bit before and of course I was sad, but I didn't link that with the fact that Niall wanted to pleasure me. Just thinking about it again made my heart jump in my chest and as hurt as I was at this exact moment, thinking about the words he whispered in my ear and his hard cock against my thigh was turning me on in a way I couldn't explain.

Finding out the next morning that he still had a girlfriend and that what he did to me meant nothing was extremely rough. I had felt so light as I fell asleep but now everything felt heavy, even breathing. Especially breathing.

My tears kept falling on my cheeks as sobs escaped my lips and I suddenly felt so mad at Niall that I wanted to scream. I started hitting the wheel roughly, letting out a short yell, and although I knew I probably looked pathetic, I couldn't help it.

"I love you okay! I fucking love you Niall Horan!"

Just expressing it out loud made me nauseous as my whole body started throbbing. Did I ever say these words before? I was pretty sure I hadn't. The closest was when Harry asked me if I loved Niall and I said yes but other than that, I never wanted to say it.

I stopped hitting my car and started crying again for I don't know how long but when I got out of my car, the tears had finally stopped. My eyes were red and puffy but at least I was not crying anymore. I unlocked his door and walked inside, not liking how quiet it was without Niall around. I was not used to be here without him but since he was at my place and that I had rushed out, I needed some clothes to get changed and I was not ready to see him again.

I walked to his room and found a pair of jeans and a band shirt that I left there a while ago and quickly dressed up before sitting on his bed. I couldn't help but play the scene of our first and only sexual encounter over and over in my head. How good his fingers had felt, how hot it had been to find out he had masturbated thinking about me, how turned on I was to feel him grind his hard dick against the side of my thigh.

I turned my head to look at his bed, knowing it would be wrong to touch myself right there and then but still considering it. I felt my cheeks burn at the thought and finally shook my head. I was sad, so sad that my heart was even more broken then it had been before, but most of all, I was mad at myself for thinking Niall could be interested in me as more than a close friend. i knew Harry had said otherwise and I had allowed myself to believe it for a few hours but now the fairy tale was over.

I felt so conflicted by all the feelings inside me that I just closed my eyes and tried to focus on my breathing. My emotions were all over the place and I didn't know why I felt horny all while feeling extremely sad and in pain. I was about to lay down in Niall's bed when my phone beeped.

I sighed and forced myself to look at it, scared that it would be Niall. I didn't feel ready to talk just yet and I knew I wouldn't be able to tell him no if he wanted to see me. To my surprise, it was actually a text message from Julie and it made me frown. It's not that we didn't get along but she was mostly Liam's girlfriend to me, whom was Niall's bandmate and nothing more. We had spent some time on tour together but even if I really liked her company, she spent most of her time with her boyfriend while I spent mine with Niall or Harry.

'Need to talk, can we come over?'

The 'we' implied Liam and I was suddenly curious to find out why they needed to talk to me. Curious enough to answer the message immediately. I couldn't tell them to come to my place since Niall was still there, or I guessed so, and asking them to have a discussion in Niall's house while he wasn't there seemed plain wrong.

'Can I go to your place instead?' I quickly typed and hit send, getting an answer immediately after.

'Of course'

She ended up texting me their address and I told her I was on my way but I remained sitting on Niall's bed, running my hand on his sheets gently. I missed him, I lusted him, I was mad at him... but most of all, I loved him. I loved him so much it hurt like hell. In the past few months, I had allowed myself to really feel the love I had for Niall, to let it invade all of me and even accept it as a part of me. However, the consequences seemed horrible and I did everything I could to keep my tears in this time.

With an other sigh, I finally got up and grabbed a water bottle from his fridge before going back to my car. All I wanted was to go home and get drunk but instead, I drove to the address Julie sent me and parked in front of the house. It was immense, horribly huge, and I ended up thinking i'd probably get lost if i lived in a place like this. My awkward and clumsy ass clearly couldn't remember where she put her stuff. I could barely keep my small apartment in order anyway.

It didn't take long for the door to swing open after I rang the doorbell and Liam sent me a smile, bringing me into an awkward hug before telling me to come in. Julie hugged me too and for some reason, I felt like something I didn't understand was happening.

"Beer? Wine?" Liam asked, pointing a finger at me and making me chuckle.

"Wine, white or red, i'm not picky."

He winked and left as Julie told me to sit. I did what she asked and leaned against the back of the couch, staring at her with small eyes. She looked slightly uncomfortable, as if she wanted to talk to me about something touchy and that she didn't know where to start. I thank Liam when he came back with a glass of white wine and moved on the couch to sit on the edge of it.

"Just let it come out the way it will." I proposed Julie, raising my eyebrows. "We'll work with it."

I stared at her for a few seconds and decided to take a sip just as she decided to answer.

"Did you ever tell Niall that you're in love with him?"

I was so shocked by her question that I choked on my wine, coughing a few time before swallowing hard and looking up at her.

"What?" I asked with a frown. "What makes you think that-"

"Liv, please." she cut me gently, raising one of her hands up to stop me. "It's pretty obvious."

I breathed in and held it in, closing my eyes for a few seconds before sighing and opening them again. My eyes moved from Julie to Liam and then back on Julie. I let my shoulders fall and brought my glass back to my lips, drinking half of it before shrugging.

"No I never told him, I don't see the point." I explained low. "He doesn't feel like that for me. But hey, i'll survive."

Julie glanced at her boyfriend before looking back at me. I still wasn't sure why I was there and I wanted to ask her but I also didn't want to seem rude.

"Look, you need to talk to him again. This sort of separation you two are in? It's bad."

I wanted to answer and tell her that we were back to talking but after what had happened this morning, I was not sure anymore. It felt horrible to explain, too, and discussing what Niall did to me the night before made my heart jump with embarrassment. I also sort of wanted to keep it to myself, like some memory I cherished since it would probably be the first and last time something sexual would happen between Niall and I. That being said, in a while, when it doesn't hurt as much, it would definitely become a memory I'll gladly use late at night.

"I mean it, Liv. It's really bad. Niall's a mess without you, he's miserable and he doesn't want to talk about it. I think you should tell him how you feel. We've been waiting for you two to date for years."

This time, I chuckled and rolled my eyes, drinking what's left of my glass. Liam quickly got up to go back to the kitchen and I sighed, tilting my head and looking at Julie.

"Niall doesn't love me. Not like that, not romantically. Niall dates people like Maya and Heidi or that girl who had a youtube channel or something like that. Not girls like me."

"Niall loves you, Olivia. He clearly does, even Liam noticed!"

As if on cue, Liam came back with the whole wine bottle and filled my glass again before turning to his girlfriend with a frown.

"What did I notice?"

"Niall." she simply answered in a low tone before Liam turned back to me, his eyebrows raised.

"He's in love with you, no doubt."

"See?" Julie quickly added, making me chuckle again and close my eyes. "Even Liam finds it obvious!"

I wanted to thank them for being so sweet but I felt like I knew Niall better than them and with the way he treated me, I couldn't believe anything they had said. I was tired to be hurt, there's just so many times I can have my heart broken, and keeping my hopes up would just hurt me more and more every time.

"He's stubborn, and blind, and stupid." she expressed in a serious tone. "And I know it sucks but you can't expect him to tell you he loves you first. He doesn't even know he does or at least, he won't admit it to himself. It has to be you, you need to tell him so he can finally open his eyes."

"He's probably scared of what he could feel, and also to lose you forever. He doesn't want to see how much he loves you and I can assure you that he's never loved an other girl the way he loves you." Liam added, reaching for Julie's hand and squeezing it gently.

I looked at their hands together and did everything I could not to tear up. I hated their speech because it was starting to make me believe that maybe they were right and I didn't want to. It was too dangerous. At the same time, I knew part of what Julie was saying was true. I couldn't keep on living my life with this big secret, with these strong and intense emotions inside me without ever telling him. I had to tell him how I feel, I had to say it even if it meant I would lose him because the more time passed, the more we fought and the more miserable I was. If I never tell him, i will always wonder what would have happened if I had, and it's better to regret doing something than regret not doing it. It had always been my motto for everything else, it had to be for this, too.

"Okay, I think I will."

-----

I drank half the bottle of wine and decided to text Niall to ask him to pick me up. Julie made me promise to give her news and I just nodded because deep down, I knew it wouldn't be good news. Liam told me he'd have someone drive my car back to my apartment and I thanked him, knowing that arguing about it would be useless.

When I saw Niall's car pull in the driveway, my heart threatened to jump out of my throat but I just walked slowly to the passenger's door, waving at my hosts and getting inside. I looked at my best friend and realized that I couldn't give up on him even if I wanted to, whether it was as friends or as more. I would always feel something for him, something deep. It seemed like all we did recently was fight and make up and I was not used to it but I knew we were changing, just like our relationship together and those who had with others, and it was okay. I was ready to do anything to keep Niall in my life. At all cost. He had told me I was his priority but I wasn't sure he had noticed that he had always been mine.

He drove in silence but I knew he was glancing at me from time to time but it's only when he put his hand on my thigh that I gave him all my attention. I focused on the way his thumb rubbed gently in circles against my pants and I swallowed hard, torn between pushing him away or just enjoying his light touch, which resulted in me simply keeping quiet.

He parked and we got out before I followed him inside. I cleared my throat, not really knowing were to start. I didn't want this to be heavy but at the same time, I wanted him to tell me a few things that could change so many things.

"I came here earlier, to get some of my clothes and get changed." I admitted.

"I know." he just let out, throwing his keys on the coffee table and making me chuckle and frown.

"How do you know? You've got an alarm system that messages you when someone gets in your house?"

He turned to me and shrugged with a small smile.

"Yea, but I'm still not totally sure how it works." he let out with a smile, making me laugh. "I just noticed what you were wearing, that's all."

My smile faltered a bit and I shrugged a shoulder before sitting on his couch.

"We need to talk, right?" I asked, not really knowing what to answer to his last comment.

"We need to talk."

He sat slowly next to me and sighed before turning my way. His eyes met mine and I thought about what Julie and Liam told me. Would I really be able to tell Niall how I feel? Would I be able to let out words I had expressed out loud for the first time in the last hours even if I had been feeling them for years, and now in front of the only man i've ever loved? That seemed like the end of the world. My world.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It's a bit of everything and I promise i'm not trying to find excuses but..." he shook his head and sighed again. "You were sad, we talked about sex, you said you missed it... I wanted to make you feel better, I just... I really wanted to touch you. I wanted to watch you.."

He stopped himself and I held my breath. His words made my whole body burn and I knew it should have been a bit embarrassing but it was not at all. I wanted him to talk more, I wanted to know everything he felt and thought.

"What I said when I was touching you... it was true, you know. I would lie if I said I didn't have this... newfound lust for you. I do. You noticed it, didn't you?"

I remembered the way he got hard when we fell on the floor after we danced but it was the only example I could think about.

"No, not really." I admitted, making him frown. "I mean okay, after we dance and you fell on me I felt something but it could have been just a coincidence."

"I told you." he laughed. "I'm not 16 years old anymore."

Thinking that I actually made him horny and hard at least three times in the past weeks was incredible and I swallowed the smile that wanted to draw itself on my lips.

"What I mean is, I wanted it but I didn't think about how it would make you feel. Mentally, I mean. I'm sorry for that. I didn't think."

"You said it meant nothing." I pointed out, feeling my heart stir hard in my chest as my smile fell completely. "That hurt, you know."

He rubbed both his hands on his eyes and shook his head with a groan. It really seemed like he felt guilty and I couldn't help but feel endeared by him. I didn't know how he brought all these feelings to appear inside me but he was the only one who could make me feel so intensely.

"You know that's not what I meant, i'm sorry." he started, finally looking up at me. "I'm with Maya and that was so wrong. I didn't think about her at all or about how you'd feel after finding out I was still with her after I touched you. I thought with my dick and i'm sorry. But... Liv, yea, i'm with Maya but... she's always come second."

I felt myself tear up and held my breath to be sure not to miss a word he'd say.

"She asked me if i'd ever love her the way I love you and I told her I didn't know but it made me think and.. No, I never will. I don't think I can ever be close to someone the way I am with you, or love anyone the way I love you, and It's scary as fuck. Because... I mean, will I ever find someone for me? To have a decent relationship with? I mean, no girl I can date will accept to be second, right?"

I let a tear slide down my cheek as I tried to keep my sobs in. The truth was, I didn't know if I was sad or happy with what he had just admitted.

"Please, don't cry."

I sniffed, unable to talk and knowing that my voice would just crack if I tried. And he moved closer, bringing his hand to my cheek and wiping the tear with his thumb. But right after, he didn't pull away. He remained close to me, his palm burning the skin of my face, and the only thing I wanted to do was to kiss him. His eyes roamed on my face and I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to kiss him and tell him how much I love him. I wanted to kiss him and tell him that if i'd always be first, maybe it was because we were meant to be more than friends, that we were meant to be together... that we were some sort of soulmates.

I had no idea if I would have done it or not because the doorbell rang and he moved back, dropping his hand on his lap and sighing loud. He was not happy to be interrupted by whoever was on the other side of the door and I wasn't either but I used this time to swallow my pain and breathe in deeply.

I closed my eyes and he left to answer while I played the scene that had just happened over and over again in my head. He came back and I finally opened my eyes, the images behind my eyelids immediately vanishing, and my heart twisted when I saw Maya, standing next to him. She didn't seem pleased to see me and I couldn't say I was happy to see her either, but even more than that, I felt guilty as hell. I swallowed, remembering that her boyfriend had his hand in my pants not even 24 hours earlier. It's not like I could forget it anyway.

"Oh, I didn't know you were here." she said, sending me an awkward smile before sitting down next to Niall on an other couch.

"Yea, I mean, I wasn't feeling so well, so."

"Oh, I heard about you and Harry, i'm sorry about that." she let out sincerely this time, or maybe I was just a bit naive. "Niall and I were supposed to spend the evening together, I hope it's okay with you."

I was about to apologize, get up and leave when Niall spoke.

"It's no problem, we can all watch a movie together."

I watched as Maya's face changed into different facial expressions as emotions invaded her but in the end, she sighed and didn't argue. I let them decide on a movie since I was not really interested in it anyway but I kept glancing at them, since the couch they were sitting on was closer to the tv. I noticed Maya glancing at me from time to time right before grabbing his hand, kissing him or cuddling him. I understood she was getting territorial and I couldn't blame her but it did hurt anyway and I was pretty sure that was the whole point of her petty behavior.

I couldn't help but think that if she wasn't there, i'd be the one cuddling Niall and it made me nauseous. After all, Niall said I was his priority, that he'd never love anyone as much as he loved me, and I really wanted to believe him, but it was not easy. I thought about Harry and what I had lost, and it seemed extremely unfair that what broke us up was something that made Maya want to fight even more to preserve her relationship. Harry gave up on me because of the relationship I have with Niall, but Maya was fighting against me to keep my best friend, and I couldn't help but feel completely unworthy of love.

I quickly wiped an other tear that fell down my cheek and when I looked up, I noticed Niall was staring at me. Maya was still all over him, staring at the tv, but he was looking at me with sad eyes. He licked his lips and mouthed an 'I'm sorry'. I wanted to talk to him, to cuddle him, to be closer to him, but it was impossible. I just sent him a sad smile too and shrugged before closing my eyes.

I knew I said i'd tell Niall how I felt for him but I knew it was not the right time. And now, I was not even sure there would ever be a right time.

#niall horan #niall horan smut #niall horan fluff #niall horan fanfic #niall horan fan fic #niall horan fanfiction #niall horan story #niall horan writing #my fanfics #amc #gah yea its bad isnt it? next one will be better

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sagemoderocklee · 6 years ago

Note

🎤modren aus plez

oof okay i meant to… get this done way sooner but i spent like all day trying to record it and failing miserably–first cause i was way too tired, but then it turned out that the original site i was trying to record on wouldn’t say so it wasted like two hours of my time. anyways, i finally managed to stay on topic and get this done!

so here’s me rambling about modern aus

((send a 🎤 + something to talk about and I’ll make voice recording of myself talking about it.))

here’s a rough transcription of my voice recording for anyone who needs it

modern aus chronically fail

im not saying this to be mean or discourage anyone from writing them. it’s just a fact–9 x out of 10 they fail. obviously we could talk about the failures of fanfiction in general and it’s supposed nature as a ‘transformative’ piece of media, but im gonna try to stay on topic because i am soooo sick of re-recording this because i keep losing my train of thought.

so why do most modern aus fail?

the main reason–and the one im talking about–is that people do not know how to adapt the characters from one setting to another. when you write a modern–really any–au, you need to strip the characters down to their bare essentials. you need to divorce them completely from the world they live in and figure out who they are without the circumstances of the world they were originally created for. it’s very much a question of nature versus nurture.

generally speaking, most media we consume is very fatalistic. the stakes are always high, the world is always ending. obviously not all media is like that but a good majority of media is, and i think modern aus–high school, college, coffee shop, flower shop, etc–are meant to transplant these characters into a softer, kinder world without those things at stake. i think modern aus are meant to give the characters and more importantly us a sense of catharsis.

naruto, for example, is a series about child soldiers. in a modern au they aren’t child soldiers. sasuke’s family wasn’t killed off by the state. neji wasn’t born into a caste system. gaara and naruto aren’t hosts for demons. those things should be divorced from them in a modern setting.

yet, despite this a lot of people think that for their modern au to be successful they HAVE to have comparable events. one of the best examples–and worst things i see–that i can think of, and it’s something i’ve talked about before, is that shukaku always follows gaara into modern settings as his mental illness. and i could talk a whole lot about making a demon into someone’s mental illness but i’m gonna stay on topic.

shukaku as gaara’s mental illness, aside from being ableist–is just downright stupid. we don’t need shukaku to be an element in a modern setting because he is not actually a defining aspect of gaara’s character. shukaku was something that was done TO gaara. gaara as a jinchuuriki is a product of shinobi violence, it’s a product of a military state. gaara the high school senior is not going to have that history and he shouldn’t, and if you can’t figure out who gaara is without that history then you’re going to fail. because the main thing about modern aus is maintaining the integrity of the characters, it’s ensuring they are recognizable when we divorce them from the circumstances of their canon lives

there are, obviously good modern aus out there, but by and large most fail because people just don’t know who the characters are that they’re writing

if you can’t divorce the characters from the circumstances of the series and keep them recognizable your modern au is going to fail. the integrity of the characters will be lost and the circumstances of their canon world is going to bog down the modern au itself.

#fanfiction #naruto #shippuden #gaara #god this took me all day #Anonymous

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soup-of-words · 6 years ago

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28th april

It wasn’t a great event. It was actually trashy and people are scattered just everywhere. You and I decided to get a drink, (of course a bottle of beer) and so we bought. It was kind of a hassle, the cap wasn’t opened yet. Too tired to get it popped in the store so we decided to pop the cap on our own. at some broken steel pipe we did, and that’s how I got the bottle cap in my treasure chest (box full of weird stuff that I keep). Oh and the bottle broke too. We looked for straw until we got one and sat in front of the Capitol. ‘Twas a neat night, not the event. We talked about stuff, the silly and annoying ones about our exes. And laughed about some hilarious stuff, I can’t remember the things we talked about but yeah I’d treasure them.

After then, there were fireworks. It was shitty too. It’s too short for a show in the sky. It only lasted for a couple of seconds. But it was great. Fireworks. :)

For a short time we watched them play, listen to cringey growling and screams. soon enough, we got bored. decided to sit and just talked again. God knows what we talked about until it’s coming too late. tss How did we even get to that time when we were taunting one another, about going in San Pablo? was it about the bike? yeah, for sure because we were talking about bicycles.

you don’t know how hard-headed I am, and how a “brave-wanna-be” I am. from a sigh, I said, “ ... tara kukuhang pera” and there it started.

the rush, flushes, sweat and worry coming through at the same time. But I was liking it. It was too surreal, I was not believing it will happen but it did.

From my house, where I got my favorite hoodie and some cash... we headed to ride to get to buses. we were waiting and was taking too long. you made me took off my watch because you didn’t want to look at the time. It was genius, I was enjoying more. It was kind of a long wait and we were impatient. We needed to escape soon. SOON. In the terminal, I was still not believing it , so i’m calming myself down. I didn’t want to over-exaggerate and I don’t want to scare you away, I was too weird. Hopping on to the bus, looking for an empty seat, we got to seat to the back. God, it was so exciting!

i check my phone every once in a while, took out my earphones and we shared music. you told me I seem like that i’m that someone who likes guitar riffs, but I thought I wasn’t i hated the sound of guitar but I think I don’t? mehh I’m so confused.

i keep the tickets, treasures.

after an hour, we were there.

San Pablo! It was in fucking San Pablo! 66 kilometers away! We got off the bus, immediately took a trike to go to the lake (you look confused instructing the driver lol) and there we got to see the park we were both just talking about just a couple of hours earlier!

You don’t how thankful I am bringing me there. Really. Thank you from my softest heart and soul.

You know, we just met. But it was comfortable being with you. We were there, in the park. our hands on the cold railings,

The stars were heck beautiful. Too beautiful, it was sublime! we watched the sky as if it was the lake we came to see. But it was more that just the lake, it was a different world... That I was needing. you brought it to me. Thank you again. I remember saying “thank you” to you. Because I am. grateful. :)

we decided to walk along the lake, to see stuff. But we stopped in this some kind of a playground/exercise area? And there we talked. ooh before that, we saw the big dipper. back to the area. God knows how long we have been talking, it was so niceeeee. we talked about fliptop and shit. You were kind of surprised to have heard some girl to watch fliptop videos, and I mean... I know, I’m interested in those too. We headed along, walking. encountered some dogs. We got scared, but just walked anyway. CUZ WE WERE NINJAS RIGHT!? but it was too dark, we can’t risk. so we headed back. ‘Til we noticed someone in the dark... some guy. we were both hesitant, we were acting like nothing’s wrong. So to break the ice, and as a segway I told you let’s pretend like we’re beating one another in a walkathon, so there we increased pace. we ran and just started laughing, i was joking someone’s getting a pimple if they can’t catch up. AND WE WERE LAUGHING... IT WAS WAY FUN. LIKE WAAAAY FUUN! I was kind of liking you. We were just laughing... tsk. I never had that kind of fun before, with the adrenaline and fright.

Coming back, we took last pictures, ‘cause were going home. of course, we walked.

Commercial, I wanted to take shit. We saw Mcdonalds, so we went there. tried the hospital for a stop at a comfort room cuz i needed to take a shit but let’s roll to Mcdonalds.

We got to mcdonalds, you ordered the meal, chicken... while i’m taking a shit. We had a happy meal, and you maybe you don’t know but I really always collect happy meal toys but I gave it away . To your sis, this time it’s going to be for her. we ate, and laugh and talked again. and took picutres. I dared you to take a tray home and you accepted loooool. we got the tray. and then we walked outside. ran across the church, you took a photo of me and it was embarassing cuz people are looking. we headed. took some more pictures while walking... And there we were miserably waiting for a bus. Until one came along. We hopped in and got a seat. we talked how it is like Papertowns and you were Margo and I was Quentin. i knew it. You’re gonna hurt me. this time, I was getting kind of tired. not for long, I was really avoiding to act sweet or romantic because I’m scared . But this neck was fucking hurting so I asked if It’s okay to lean my head , you didn’t mind so I did. Legit, my neck was killing me. I had seek comfort, had a nap on your shoulder, ‘til i noticed you were leaning to my head too.

I wanted to say we were sweet, but I should not. we were sweet; you were sweet. There’s something in me that holds everything back. if it weren’t for it, I’d confess I like you.

1. Rafols likes you

2. You’re up to someone

3. I think I’m not fully healed yet

4. I like you

5. YOU MIGHT LIKE ME BUT YOU DON’T LIKE ME ENOUGH

you see , there’s a bunch of stuff I like about you. But you know ,I’m worried. Because I still yet to know the stuff that I don’t. I don’t want to waste our friendship. It was great and cute. But to think about being romantic with you, considering there’s nothing wrong and it’s possible and it might be real... I’m scared I’d lose another soulmate. Not you please, Simon was great but you were different. Not that I am confessing my feelings, but this is beyond that.

I’m scared, but I wanted to try to accept someone again. But this time, but if it’s not you it’s okay. i just hope he’d be that someone that’d stay until we’re real couples. (i know im still young but there’s nothing wrong with it you know) But if it weren’t , then thank you for having me in your life, our friendship was awesome! but you know, deep somewhere inside me is kind of hoping?2 i don’t know, i know i’m infatuated. You know that night, I didn’t want to end. You were the chaos I was looking for. it’s gonna be trouble but I feel like it is possible trying out being better with you. but if God’s plan is different, then it’s okay with me. No regrets, right? we can’t be possible too, if you come to think of it. you’re there I’m here, different schools, different worlds. It’s scary risking it. I know you’re a good person, both you and allen. I just don’t like losing people. so Rafols, she’s soooo sooo so so so so so important to me, much more important than you actually. sorry. But you know, it gets fucked up sometimes. also, you like my cousin, plus you’re up to a different girl. I don’t want to barge in, I respect you and the girl. Who am I?

maybe what i’m feeling right now is pure infatuation, and I don’t want to ruin friendships. and I am also not that kind of person that is desperate in getting into a relationship, I already accepted I’d tire lonely and alone but still hope that I don’t. I mean , “expect the worst, right?”. And I am that someone who wouldn’t always grab the opportunity, I’m shy and scared... so If it’d come, it will.

we finally got home, at the terminal at least. there’s no ride home still, so we waited an hour. we talked how we rocked that night. how we were real ninjas and everything was amazing. we got to go home, you walked me home.

I never really wanted to give the brain pendant away, but I did. it was my way of saying thank you. Thank you, for real. everything was almost magical. That was the best day of my life so far, I have conquered way too many things . So I got home, i gave you the pendant. and the last thing that came into my mind before saying goodbye was to hug. I don’t actually know why. But i feel like I needed to hug you. it was funny. I asked for it lol, “hug?” then we did lolll . i gave off a legitimate smile , like I was actually happy. after the hug, we waved goodbye.

‘Twas the best day ever. so far.

Thank you, ninja.

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healthybitchmodeactivated · 7 years ago

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The best thing I️ did for my lifestyle change

Unfollowing a bunch of thinspo and following women more my body type. Don’t get me wrong, all body shapes are beautiful and for this blog I️ post all body types. But for ME, getting back to 150 lbs which was pretty skinny for my build and height was just hard. I️ couldn’t keep up with that weight. Being in the gym for 2 hours, calorie counting, being obsessive with ever flaw was so tiring and miserable which I’ve FINALLY realize is why I’ve been struggling the past few years. For those that don’t know me, I️ lost around 72 lbs 4 years ago and I️ have gained back around 40 lbs since then. These past four years has been a struggle because I️ was so stuck on losing weight the wrong way. Stuck on getting back to 150 lbs and just being soooo frustrated with myself which would lead to giving up and being depressed.

This time around I’m looking at loosing weight differently. I’m doing it for my health, for peace and sound. I️ have a number in mind but I’m not going to obsess over it, cry or get frustrated. I’m going to be mindful and enjoy my meals. Dance my heart out in Zumba and hip hop and not give a fuck who is looking. Try out new gym equipment even if I️ don’t know what I’m doing.

I️ don’t know what switched in my mind this past year, but I’ve been focusing on my mental health more than ever. Validating myself has been the biggest progress as well with speaking up. Someone hurts me, I️ tell them. If I’m down, I️ reach out to someone. No more harboring my feelings. If this is how I️ feel then that’s how I️ feel. I’ve been reading self help books and just learning more about who I️ am.

I’ve also learned to stop being overbearing when it comes to friends. It’s their life and all I️ can do is be supportive and be there for them. One of my goals for next year, is to put myself out there and make more friends. That’s the one thing I️ kinda suck at because if I️ don’t know you I’m shy but having like 2 friends is nice but I’ve always loved being social. I just never know how to put myself out there. I’m going to be looking into vegan groups and possibly joining a badminton team. I’m not looking to make best friends but just cool people to hang out with. Maybe try out new vegan restaurants, have a cook out or grab drinks.

This is the happiest I’ve been in a while. Yes I️ have my days but I️ realize it’s just a DAY. I’ve learned to feel my emotions for a certain time then move on. I️ don’t dwell on the past anymore nor any mistakes I’ve made.

Overall im just happy the way my life is going. It has taken me a while to get to this point mentally but I’m here ☀️

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hayleybaaaby-blog · 8 years ago

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im so boreddd

1. If you’ve ever tried drugs or alcohol, what was your reason for first trying it? i was always around someone else when i was trying or doing something, but that was sooo long ago..

2. Do you think you could ever have an abortion if you unexpectedly turned up pregnant right this second? absolutely. i'm not have any more babydaddys. next man i get pregnant by is the guy i wanna end u p with.

3. If you were far from home and needed to sleep for the night, would you choose to rent a crappy motel room for $60 or sleep in your car for free? trust me, as someone who lived in a motel for around exactly a year with my abusive babydaddy, daughter, & baby in my belly .... too much drama, nastiness, & lowlives.

4. Is there a color shirt you’d NEVER wear? i guess i wouldn't wear like neon orange or green lol. actually, probably wouldn't wear anything neon.

5. Is there a situation where you caved into peer pressure and regretted it? all the times i drank underage. it wasn't many, but yeah. miserable.

6. What is your favorite video game console? Why? used to be xbox 360. haven't had one of those in YEARS.

7. Do you like vanilla candles?

sure, i guess.

8. Have you ever been in a relationship that was going great, and then suddenly something weird happened and you just KNEW it was going to be over soon? i dunno?

9. Would you ever bleach your hair platinum blonde? i have bleached my hair plenty of times 😂

10. What are your plans for tomorrow? well, since it's already 2:20 am, tomorrow will be Monday .. I get paid. ✨

11. What did you have for breakfast? didn't eat breakfast.

12. Have you had sex in 2017 yet? consensual & nonconsensual ....

13. Who last slept in your bed besides you? my children lol. 💖

14. What time did you wake up today? couldn't even fall asleep..

15. How long until your next birthday? i'll be 23 on July 12th! 🎈🎉✨

16. What was the last movie you watched? shit idek 😂😂 i only watch shows on Netflix & our DVR. i can't even sit through a movie now loool. think the last one i watched was Stepbrothers.

17. If you could see any musician live, front row, who would you choose? Fetty Wap 😍😍 whateverrr, he's fineee. 18. When did you last consume something that had peanut butter? few days ago. peanut butter and crackers lol.

19. What’s the last song you heard? the hills - the weeknd

20. When you say you love someone, do you mean it? that's the only time i'll say it lol. i only tell my kids and family that i love them, and then a select few friends.

21. Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow? yasss, if i can ever get some rest. 😭😫 toooo much on my mind.

22. Do you still talk to any of your ex’s? yeah, a few. now that Luis doesn't control my every move, I can talk to whoeverrrr.

23. As of this minute, what is going through your mind? Luis....

24. Where’s the last place you went? Prospect Mart. shit i don't get out much.

25. Have you held hands with anyone lately? my babygirl 😇

26. Has anyone let you down recently? actually, yeah 😂😂 dude approached ME, and then just wanted to dip when he realized that my life IS as difficult as i've said it is..

27. Does it bother you when people try to make you jealous? uh, yeah???

28. Whats the next movie you want to see in theaters? i don't even have a way to go see a movie.

29. Do you have more than $50 in your room? nope.

30. Are both of your blood parents still in your life? yeah, they're still married, too.

31. Were you tired when you woke up this morning? im tired 24/7.

32. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now? LUIS HERRERA.

33. When was the last time you went apple picking? omg, i was soooo young!

34. Do you sometimes wake up in the morning, lay in bed and think about life? not anymore, i shove that shit so deep down. i hate thinking about all of this bs.

35. Are you happy summer is coming soon? of course! Paradise Lake and Holliday Lake, here we come! wish it could be the beach, but it's okay. 😊

36. Do you have drama in your life? so fucking much. thank you, luis. court is coming up this month.

Is there a person in your life that can always make you smile? there are 2, in fact - my children 💜💙

Is there someone who meant a lot to you at one point, and isn’t around now? yeah, POS tried to kill me and did other very personal and graphic shit to me. so, now he's rotting in jail..

Are you a jealous person? maybe i should've been 😂😂 then possibly i would've gotten cheated on less?

Would you cry if you found out you were pregnant? i would lose my shit.

When is the next time you’re traveling out of state? yeah right lol. i don't have the money for that.

Can you write your name in a foreign language? it'd be the same regardless, lol.

When you’re getting ready for something, do you listen to music? yessss.

Do you leave the curtains/blinds closed or open while you sleep? Closed..

What is your favorite day of the week? I'm a stay-at-home Mom. all the days are the same/

Do you generally do the same thing every day of the week? yes, taking care of my kids, cooking, cleaning, going outdoors w the babies.

What is something you did yesterday and wish you could’ve done today? didn't do anything in particular, except taking the kiddos outside to swim in the kiddie pool.

If you woke up tomorrow and knew/spoke a different language, which language would you want it to be? Spanish. my kids are half Mexican!

What did you last order online? Mama Bear, Sister Bear, & Baby Bear shirts 😍😍😍

Do you have any specific hobbies? taking pics of my kids lmao

What’s a song you recently discovered that you want to tell everyone about? Alone by Marshmello, but honestly that was a while ago. im just still obsessed.

Favorite fall or winter accessory? uhhhh.. a warm jacket?

Do you like to swim? LOVE to swim!

How many books are in your room? a lot, i guess. but i don't even read anymore.

What did you last eat? shiii, i honestly don't know. i feed my kids & don't eat lmao.

Name one of your goals for this year. FORGET LUIS.

What does your 9th message on your phone say? my phone isn't set up that way.

Look to your left. What’s there? wall.

How long does it take you to fall asleep? hours.

Are you scared about the end of the world? yes.

Is there a TV in the room you are in? yeah, a tiny little tv from like when i was a kid 😂 that's why i never hang out in my room.

What are you looking forward to? going summer clothes shopping for my kiddos. Leonardo is outgrowing clothes so fast. he's fitting 6 month snuggly.

What comes to your mind when I say red? the gum big red./

What other language do you want to be fluent in? Spanish.

Do you crack your neck often? no lmao.

Worst feeling in the world? having the man you love devastate you in every way, from cheating to ALL forms of abuse to lies to stealing to trying to kill you. but the worst? is giving my kids a shit father..

Name something you think is pointless? relationships. they're dumb asf.

Favorite fast food restaurant? locally, Taco Bell or Wendy's. we don't have many options lol.

Have you ever been in a fist fight? yes, a few./

Did you have a weird dream last night? i have the worst nightmares .

Do you wish at 11:11? heh not anymore.

#survey #personal survey

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somedaypast-thesunset · 6 years ago

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I tell him in plain language I haven't eaten and have no money for food. He offers to loan me money and that I can come over. But it's -2 and all my cold weather wear is garbage from the 5 min I spent just going to the store. He says he has to charge his phone. I'm like OK but u can also do it on your laptop. "yeah but then I'd have to find my wallet". I gave a huge exaggerated laugh because who the fuck responds to someone asking to eat like 5hat? He thinks my reply is weird. I tell him I assume he's joking so I'm laughing otherwise I'm just depressed. He replies, "do you need money now?"

SO GCDFHJFFDXDJKCFYBVXSSJKCF

DO I NEED TO EAT TODAY? DO I? GYESS NOT BECAYSE I WOYLDNT WANT TO BORHER YOU TO FIND YOUR FUCKING WALLET.

the only mature non combative response I had was no response because I'm not even dignifying such a stupid fucking question with a response. Fuck you man. Just fuck you. I'd get more respect sucking dick for 40$. Quicker too.

And I'm trying soooooooo hard and it's just nothing. I'm doing nothing but expending the absolute most amount of effort I currently have before becoming sooo exhausted and frustrated that I'm becoming impulsively violent - much like traits I had very young that I worked to control. Like my day consists of waking up and being brought home. I smoke weed, find a podcast or video or movie to listen to but barely pay attention and try to bring myself to do anything. Like changing my clothes from yesterday. Going out to get food (which if I do is my entire morning and I'm done after). Lately I want soooo badly to get back into my shit. I used to be productive. Like I lost alllllllllllllllllllllllll drive for anything. I cannot fathom going to a job. My whole disposition says I want to die every moment I'm awake. I watched this doc about this crazy lady who starved to death in an abandoned house on an occupied street like ppl walked by the house she had neighbors but she like actively chose to just starve and die. And everyone's so confused like oh the neighbors were there she could've gotten food but no. I get this lady. I am this lady right now. I am in an abandoned house that is my body and my neighbors can see I'm here but they don't care if anyone is home. They wouldn't feed me.

In some ways I was like oh no. This lady is me. But she was delusional. Like she made ppl up. I haven't ever. But I am becoming like my mother more and more but I guess I empathize more. This lady was so depressed like she really wanted to die all the time and she was miserable and couldn't keep friends and I get it now. I got it before but now I really get it because there's no choice anymore. At some point you like... You're standing on the edge of the abyss and then u let go and from that point on its just free falling out of control. You can't stop it once it's hit full momentum. And I'm screaming cuz I did the drugs. And I can do them again so I can placebo effectvmyself for 2 weeks and crash again. I am existing solely for the purpose of a few other ppl right now. Like I can't die right here because my roommate has to find it and he's the last person I want to find dead me. Like if a stranger could spot a body that is me, that'd be good. Or like a dog finds me first. I want to go in a forest. I want my body to refuel the earth and I want animals to tear me apart like when the Indians let vultures eat their dead. I'm dead you know. People have too much control. I'm used to no control and I embrace the lack of control one has in death despite society trying sooo hard. And I'm still there you know cuz I want to control when I die. I wan5 to choose and death is not about choice. And it's hard to die. Killing yourself takes like extreme effort. I cannot selfishly take my cats with me tho I want to. I want to die with my cat in my arms, the only thing that ever really loved me besides my dad. I just want to go far far out where it's no coming back. Like even if I last minute didn't want to I want to be so far out in the woods I can5 make it back in such condition so I just die because wanting to live is the moment of weakness. This is not a moment. I am not in a decade long moment. I am suffering and I hurt and the "system" is a fools game. Like it took 100 yrs to accept certain medications and procedures as fucked up because it takes society 100 yrs to figure anything out and like I guess my hope is that because we're evolving technology so fast maybe in 5 years they will know how to fix depression. They will look in my brain and s3e the suffering and fix it. And I'll flick a switch and my memories will be neutral in feeling, not ptsd.

It's not even ptsd anymore. No, it's not JUST ptsd anymore. It's the starting long term effects of poverty. It's like.. My own mental issues maturing with me as I'm getting older and it's not easier at all?

Like I tried to do my shop and realized its so half assed and like I can't be this age and present this level of effort. I can do better I just chose not to but I spend effort doing it half assed still. I took apart 80% of my jewelry and have yet to go back to it because why. And that's sad. Like I have to be careful now to maintain what I do have or I may not care enough to do it again. I have alllllllllllllllllllllllll the time in the world to do something. Anything. Any. Thing. And I've listened to 350 episodes of last podcast, know deeply a 38 yr old man I never met who plays video games online, watched anything deemed good on Netflix, am totally up to date on s3veral news websites and podcasts and I smoke like 400$ worth of weed a month.

I don't even want to know me.

But like.. I don't pretend I just don't talk. I talk to others, share commentary occasionally but I just don't talk about anything. I especially don't talk about how depressed I am because it just bothers ppl and creates both positive and negative opinions none of which are helpful to the illness.

So im very very secluded. And I used to use isolated but that's negative. That's saying I'm forced into it. I'm forcing it. I'm not. I actively choose it now so I am secluded and extremely private.

I'm still trying though? Like I don't even know why. Today I signed up for usertesting sites because I already do contract tests for consumer reviews so maybe I'll make some money but at the same time I feel like its another dead end. Just go work at McDonald's.

Art wise, there is so much I could do to revamp my shop. All new, well made jewelry. I need all new photos including ones of my art with close ups and stuff. I want to "graduate" my art skills a bit. Like really make nice well cut paper with borders for matting and start to sign my work and like all of this means higher quality so a higher price. I can do fucking better. And honestly I'm not doing anything else right now. My mind is completely disabled and to consider working is laughable now. I know I'm not going to so I can stop being anxious about it. Fuck em. I've been doing a depression project for charity cuz that's what I did earlier this year too but this one is more personal. I have 3/5 of what I wanted for my goal but at the same time what I made is so.. Average. It's not great at all. It's just iok and does the job and I tried my best but maybe I didn't? The fact 3/5 have all turned out with fairly major issues makes me feel less inclined to continue and the whole thing pointless cuz why give something to the homeless that sucks. So u can feel good?

I don't want therapy or medication. I deeply hate society and most of humanity. I used to be OK with it and I wanted to be apart of it but I was so shit on by so many people that I can't do it anymore. It's not worth it. 30 years of shit for like 30 y3ars of average? Cool.

Still trying tho. Still asked for money for food and I'll go hungry today but I'll havevmoney tomorrow I guess. That's life. Me and the 45 ppl on main St homeless. Somedays you eat Somedays you don't. He will probably realize at some point he made a mistake - hopefully. Because if I have to chase him for it, I'm probably going to hang out by myself tomorrow too.

I'm now worried I have no good winter clothes and my boots have holes in them. I'm already in super debt. I have to get a new jacket and boots before it snows. I could've gotten an extra 10 if I braved the cold for 25 min tonight but I'm just so tired I don't care enough. I can't talk to anyone about this. Then I'm just poor and a burden cuz I have no job and spend money on weed. And I did. I put myself far into debt just for weed. I'm now working on this plan that since I've quit smoking I must be up some money so I'll slowly build funds back up by not smoking and not spending crazy. Which even now sounds bullshit. But I'm trying the testing thing as well. If I get my shop up before Xmas rush. These are reasons to try but I'm only trying because d3pression put me in debt. If I wasn't this sad I wouldn't spend this money. I wouldntvlive like this.

Honestly until I get this money I don't even have funds for the bus to get my birth control. At the same time tho I was willing to sit all of this out and wait but I have like 7 days to be paid and I can't go 7 days without eating at all.

I spent myblast 3$ on cat food and honestly just this run down alone describes how insane I am. Like there's no way it's OK for me to be on my own to this degree. No sound psychologist would say yes 100% clearly functioning on their own in need of no assistance. If someone described this to me in my moments of sound mind I would be like this bitch is dead in atleast 5 years. Prob less. Meds aren't enough. Therapy is not enough. And I don't deserve to be in a psych ward because my capacity for reasoning and logic is fully there and it's unfair to have success in q team monitored to be released into the same conditions you know.

What am I doing when my father's gone? This because no one recognized that in a Co dependent relationship there are two people who are d3oendent not just one and instead of really assessing the situation people chose to think I was lazy and living off my father (even tho I was not) ignoring severe depression and suicidal t3ndencies. Thanks.

I am the abandoned house.

Today I was trying to get ready to leave when he said he still wanted to smoke from my bong and ohh where do I have to go that's so important. And it's not just him. It's anyone who knows myclife. They d3cided my time has less value because someone who's not them d3cided to pay me money in exchange for menial tasks. Since I don't have that my time is meaningless and they can not show up to qppts or show up late or leave late or make me wait X amount of time cuz I have all the time in the world. They work u know. But I no longer care. For the people who know me I'm no longer accepting this and just going about my lif3 without them. For those who don't, I'm no longer going to share anything about my life with anyone. I'm just as valuable as you. My time is equally of worth. Fuck you for ever thinking different.

Just remember - anyone else alive, not your problem.

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blow-those-ohs-bby · 7 years ago

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The best thing I did for my lifestyle change

Overall im just happy the way my life is going. It has taken me a while to get to this point mentally but I’m here ☀️

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survivorindia · 8 years ago

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I was summoned by the voices in my head- Episode 2

lol I'm probably going bye bye

So we managed to come up with a plan, Karen Kendall Alex and I will vote Ashley and it's only because I said she was contemplating self voting and I counted that as "I heard her name" SJAHFDHOFAOPUDJ like ugh it sucks but somebody needs to go tonight so =/

Well I just heard from Kendall that everybody is voting me out but honestly Im not mad at all. I almost quit this game twice so this will be just as good hahahahaha

So here we are again.. my tribe is heading to tribal for the second time in a row & right now I pretty much feel like a sitting duck. Lexi & I were the only two people really competing in the challenge & that pisses me off.. so I approached her with a deal that since the two of us were the only ones who tried, let's not vote for each other & she agreed.. so now the question is who DO we vote for? Of course I'm pushing for Casey, but both Lexi & Ruben are very good at not directly answering my questions of "who do YOU wanna vote for?" Like they always find ways to just kinda circle around the question & so finally I got tired of the shit & I said straight up to Lexi that Casey hasn't been pulling her weight & I want her gone next.. last tribal I noticed how paranoid & scared Lexi was getting because of the rumors & so this time I decided to play that to my advantage. I told her that basically the entire returnee villains tribe is still spreading the rumors & targeting the both of them. I told her that even though I don't believe the rumors, that won't stop the returnees from eventually targeting the two of them.. so I said that me, her, Ruben, and Dom need to just stick together & vote out the weakest tonight.. I'm hoping that the thought of the entire returnee villains tribe targeting her, will be enough to convince Lexi to vote my way tonight.

I'm shook! Steven got rocked out WHEW Honslee Im kinda sad bc I wanted to work with Steven later on, now I gotta talk to more of the newbie heroes and see who I can potentially trust 👀.

Ok so I was talking lexi and I'm yellin bc she's v pissed @ her tribe like she doesn't want her tribe winning anything at all skdndondk N U T! I'm here for it honslee! I want the other heroes tribe to self destruct ! Hopefully I can get something to lexi out tho bc I want her to stay long enough to wreak havoc on that tribe honestly truly

Ok so last night my alliance had a call to discuss who we should vote out and we came to the consensus that ace will be getting elimed, anyway so gav said that he was gonna talk to Ashley about the vote or whatever so fast forward to this morning I have a nice talk with miss Ashley about making amends after Sweden and i think we're on good terms now. So we discuss who to vote and she said that gav told her to vote ace and that Kendall is spearheading the anti ace campaign and honslee? It threw me off a little bc who throws their alliance member under the bus like that, like BINCH! Just say that that's what majority seems like and be done with it, she doesn't need any reasons. Ok so a little later I talk to ace and tell him that the vote is Ashley and that I have Kendall and Kendall has Alex so he made a chat with me and Kendall and I told him that we didn't need Alex in the chat bc we'd have majority after this, i also did it so Alex wouldn't get sus of me and Kendall soooo anyway! As of rn ace has majority vote and I think I'm in a good spot overall????

Oh my god... I was considering Steven to be someone who would be a driving factor of this season and it's just weird to think of him snuffed so quickly. I never would've thought this tribe would actually go to rocks and now it's like the rubble after the nuclear blast, it's time to repair and renew. We need to become strong again or else we'll fail miserably. On the bright side, that rock draw worked out amazingly well for me. Liam's survived and he's pretty much indebted to me so I got him as a free number for me :~) and Whitney was loyal to Liam and I so it looks like we hold the majority down 'ere. Not to mention that my relationships with the returnees aren't half bad - I've only spoken to two of 'em, but still. Alex Crooks and I are cool - he's the first guy I ever ruined my game for :') So that's a swell flashback I suppose. And then there's Gavin. I can't say he's the most trustworthy from what I've seen and heard in the ol' wiki community, but if he's selling me some deals I ain't gonna pass on 'em. And he did try to spill some tribe tea so hopefully h'ain't lying. (Linus, that reference was for you! It was all for you!)

I did NOT let that other Lexi leave WHEW. That challenge flew by REAAAAAL quick and thank goodness we won! Now let's just hope my boys on the Heroes returnees ain't screwed 'ere. But it looks like Dom's getting a strike for not adding any of us nice guys, so I bet he's getting the boot. Ruben and Casey did also disappear during the challenge so it could be them if they're basing this off of challenge performance here :v

That feel when you've been working on a terrible project I seriously regret making since it hurts my eyes all day so you haven't talked to anyone :v Thank goodness there's no Tribal and I'm on a boring tribe!

And by boring I don't mean the people are boring, they're kinda lit, we just are hella quiet.

Oh my god I literally went to rocks our first tribal I'm beyond shocked I made it out alive. Steven was taken out which was okay but Lexi would have been better for sure. But guess what we won this challenge so no voting for us I'm so happy we kicked ass

Okay FUCK YES DAHLING WE JUST WON IMMUNITY. So all day I've been bonding with Jordan Pines and like FUCK I actually really like Jordan. So I told him that I would have his back if we went to tribal, and he literally shut down my talk with "let's not talk stratagey now I just wanna get to know you more" which honestly, who wouldn't be scared by that, like FUCK. Anyways, I talked to Jordan and got to know him more, I just hope he considers me as someone he wants to keep around. Now, on the other hand I have my ally Sarah who I trust, you all pretty much know this by now. So Sarah told me that she needs to call me tonight because she has some info, which is terrifiying, but i'm glad she trusts me as much as I trust her, it feels good. Now ANYWAY Jordan came up with this brilliant plan for immunity and it WORKED. This witch ain't gonna be fourth boot this time around, IT'S GAME TIME BITCH HAHA!

Ruben and I got close. We are voting Monte out tonight because Lexi/Casey have beef from a prior game. That way we are swing votes and we decide what happens.

Whew this round has been exciting. Idol hunting is going decently me and Dom are working well together but unless he's lied neither of us got anything yet. I sort of took control of the tribe on this challenge being like heres what we need to do and heres how we need to do it. It was definitely a high risk, high reward scenario but it paid off. We won the challenge in an impressive 2 seconds and like I think i got the credit for that win. I am just really talking to people, keeping myself known in the chats as like a fun member of the tribe. Idk if its paying off but as of now I think I am in good standing with the tribe. We are probably swapping soon so I am just trying to work that tribe unity as long as I can hoping that however a swap goes we can work as a 6 and not a divisive unit. I think i'm doing good right now but time will tell.

Things are going pretty great right now honestly. I started out a little shaky and nervous but it seems like Monte and Casey both want each other gone now and both Lexi/Dom pulled me into a 3 person alliance. I think if I ride with those two I could find myself in a really good position long term. Both seem to consider me a potential final 2 and that's the best situation to be in on a small tribe. I think Monte should be going home unless there is a blindside coming up on me rip. For now I want to make sure Monte goes home so that everybody remaining on this tribe trust me 1000%. Also I have NO problem going to tribal more lol. Hero Lexi could be in trouble on her tribe with the whole rock draw thing going down and since that situation I feel like I'm in a more solid position to throw comps if I have to in order to keep her safe. Although I didn't have to do much this challenge to throw it considering Monte and Casey made it fucking easy for me by not showing up lmao. Good shit though

Okay, just for the record, that was BEAUTIFUL. Steven who was setting up my vote was rocked out, and now Miss Negative (Lexi) is a sitting duck, she knows it's 3 vs 2. Bitches, don't fuck with me next time.

Regan is pressing a gun to my head right now send help

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What do I wake up to? Johnny messaging me that the tribe is going to "R O C K S..." and I'M HYPE! It's so early and already players are being messy as heck. Anyway, I'm glad Steven was taken out because from what I could tell, he seemed to be a schemer with real game know-how. Here's to hoping we don't need to go to tribal in the premerge!

I've been sick the past two days. I feel like it's hurting my social game a bit when I come online to see 100 messages or so. I don't want to be left out of the loop but it is worrisome. From what I gathered, Ace/Ashley are trying to get myself/Gavin to work with them. While on the flip side, Kendall/Karen are trying to get myself/Gavin to work with them. It's an interesting position for us two to be in. Gavin is my number one at this point, and I have zero doubt that we'll make the right move in the end. The problem is, is that Gavin/Myself have differing opinions on who to work with. I love Kendall/Karen, Gavin loves Ace/Ashley. I want to vote out Ace, and if I can't convince Kendall/Karen to vote out Ace then I will end up voting out Karen or Kendall. Because I can do that. I have that power to do this with Gavin, and that's what I'll do.

I always find myself having to reassure Gavin a ton. He's paranoid about the power duo of Kendall/Karen, but we're all literally fine. He's worried about being a fourth wheel and that I find understandable. But his worries make less sense when I'm more with him than I am with Kendall/Karen. I have his back 100%, but having to constantly assure him that him and I are golden, it's a bit tough and a tad sketchy.

Welp it turns out I remind Gavin of his ex girlfriend... not sure how to feel about that :P.

I feel shitty Oh so shitty I feel so shitty and hitty and gay And I pity Any person who feels in anyway~ Thank you thank you, you are all too kind! Well, not you on the left, or you in the front row or you reading this line. That's right you smug bastard I know what you did last summer! ... where was I going? Oh right we have tribal! Karen wants to vote Ace out and last night, in my sleep induced haze, I agreed with her but now that I am more lucid, I realize that this is a terrible idea. Ace is someone who I would always have in my back pocket. You could say they are my.... Ace in the hole. Fuck you I thought it was funny. Besides, I'm being to worry a bit about Karen. She's intelligent and calculating, for the time being this is good and it'll be in my best interest to keep her. But at some point, I'm going to have to get rid of her and I'll need some support. I don't know Ashley and I barely know Gavin. The only person I am solidly aligned with is Alex. And while Karen did call Ashley a bitch in Sweden, that doesn't mean that that bridge is completely gone. She could very well have her in her back pocket. Still, I will try not to do anything impulsive. The last few times I tried to save someone, I ended up fucking up real badly. Like to a comical degree kind of fuck up. I won't go out of my way to save them but I'll be damned if I don't at least advocate on their behalf.

I JUST NEED TO GET 6TH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALL THIS TIME I WAS WORRIED ABOUT WINNING! ALL THIS TIME I WAS AFRIAD OF FUCKING UP BUT I UNDERSTAND NOW! I HAVE A MISSION A DUTY AMOUNG MY PEER (DREW) TO GET 6TH PLACE! TO BECOME THE ANTI JENN AND KAIT! I CAN NOT FAIL! LIKE JOAN OF ARC I WAS SUMMONED BY THE VOICES IN MY HEAD AND I SHALL SUCCEED!

I'm so sad :( I need to find the idol and try very hard in challenges or else I'll be the next person to leave

I am so glad we won immunity. It for sure would have been me or Lexi next if we had gone to tribal. It looks like Johnny and Whitney aren't too upset that I didn't vote with them but I can't take my chances. I had been searching for the idol for a while with no luck so I asked Lexi to help me find it. She found it within a few hours lol. We didn't find the idol but we found the idol grid. It's relieving to know it couldn't have been found right away. This gives me and her time to find it. Hopefully we'll get it before anyone else and we'll be set for the rest of the time on this tribe. I doubt anyone else on our tribe has found the idol page or would suspect that we found it. I'm thinking long term so the game plan would be using the idol on lexi and getting rid of Liam. If we happen to go to a tribal council after that we could try to get Whitney or Johnny to flip to our side. Even if they don't want to we can always force a tie so Lexi and I still have a strong chance of succeeding. We just have to find that idol!

So i was very pissed steven got rocked out. Liam deserved to go. He did nothing for the challenge. I think whitney had a pre existing relationship with liam. I got called out for ruben being my boyfriend and thats why they wanted me out but oh well. Him and Robin went to rocks for me and i was grateful. I don't like Whitney at all. She doesnt even give me a chance and i think i know why. But whatever i could care less about her lol. Johnny stopped talking to me so he must be scared or something if he wont even talk to me. Liam is useless to me. Like why is he even here lol. I'm only still helping my tribe win because of robin. I could care less about the other 3. I got the idol board and we all know i need a idol more then anyone.

#youdontgetmycrownjustcause

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