#and in case anyones interested i did not do what was apparently popular

[roots-symphony]

well i’m emotionally wrecked

[oneinathousand]

I recently got the 1995 book Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing and Horror Cinema by Mark A. Miller and decided to put together some of my favorite quotes. I bought the first edition because it was cheaper, but the second edition had some revisions and expansions, what exactly was different I don't know (I'm sure it addressed Lee's big explosion in popularity in the early 2000's among other things), but there's still lots and lots of interesting material in here; plus, to my surprise the copy I got was signed by the author himself back in 1995, so that's pretty cool.

Anyway, here's some quotes for ya:

These first two quotes are Vincent Price talking about Lee and Cushing which I thought were absolutely darling. Here's the one about Lee:

Everybody told me that he was rather stiff and unbending and not very funny. Well, we screamed with laughter from the minute we shook hands until now. We get along just like mad... write each other rude notes and funny letters and telegrams and postcards and, you know, anything we can find that we know will tickle one another. He's one of the few actors in my life that I have stayed in touch with, strangely enough. If you get him on a subject that he likes, he's very warm and vibrant. I think he's got a wonderful sense of humor, but I don't think everybody knows how to get at it. For some reason or other we strike each other as funny, and it's wonderful fun to be with him.

Here's him about Cushing:

He's nothing like Christopher Lee because Peter's a very wiry, little fellow. But Peter is one of the strongest men I ever knew in my life. I had to do several fight scenes with him [in Madhouse]. My God! He can throw you! He doesn't fake it at all. Nobody warned me about this, and I was sort of battered and bruised. He's a very realistic and very serious-minded actor. I like Peter very much, and I hear from him always at Christmas. On our birthdays we send each other the funniest cards we can find too. He's a very gentle, sweet man. I am very, very fond of him.

Cushing was, in fact, not a little man, but of course Price would have seen him as one from his perspective lol... The part about Cushing apparently being incredibly strong is pretty wild considering Price was referring to him during the making of Madhouse, when he had spent the last 2-ish years losing a lot of weight, smoked like a chimney (the book mentions at one point that he could smoke up to 50-60 cigarettes a day before he quit), was a vegetarian, and was in his early 60's. If he was strong enough to toss Price's tall ass around like a rag doll then (which is a very funny mental image), how strong was he during his prime???

Here's a description of the Lee family cheering up Cushing for the holidays during the making of Horror Express:

He faced his first Christmas without Helen and in a country that was not even his own. Luckily he found solace on Christmas Day in the warm family gathering of the Lees in their Madrid hotel. Gitte and Christina had flown over for the holiday, and they invited Peter to spend the day with them. This was the fourteenth film in which they had both acted since The Curse of Frankenstein fifteen years before, and one that offered them many great scenes together. But their best scene together was the one in that Madrid hotel on Christmas in which Peter Cushing received the emotional support he needed so desperately. The next morning Cushing was back at the studio, cheerfully ready for work.

So sweet... For anyone wondering, this book did not mention anything about Lee supposedly comforting Cushing with his presence in case the latter ever had any night terrors while making Horror Express. I'm starting to think that story might be made up! Maybe it was mentioned in the second edition, or maybe it was mentioned in one of the interviews or whatever that Miller used for researching this book. My search for a primary or secondary source continues.

Here's actress Lorna Heilbron about Cushing and Lee during the making of The Creeping Flesh:

Peter Cushing is a brilliant actor I think. I was, of course, playing his daughter, and Peter had quite recently lost his wife Helen and was grieving for her and was very open about this. He related to me as a father and was tremendously caring and supportive, especially as he felt that I resembled Helen, so we had a rather intense relationship where I felt he really "lived" his part in the film. He came the first day on the set with his script covered, literally covered, with notes he had written about what he felt his character would do or be feeling at any particular time. He also knew down to the last detail what props he would require and had obviously chosen his costumes with immense care. Within all this careful forethought he was very flexible so that if an actor gave him something unexpected, he would respond to this and was willing to go with what was happening "now". He was charming, courteous, and clever and was dearly liked and admired by everyone. At that time he was, as I said, feeling very sad and so was clearly very vulnerable. He would take himself on his own to have a bit of a wander and, I suspect, a jolly good cry. I adored him. I didn't get to know Christopher Lee so well, mostly because I didn't actually have many scenes with him and partly because he kept "himself to himself" as we say over here. I remember he had a most wonderful singing voice, of which he was justly proud, and which would go ringing round the corridors of Shepperton. The crew called him "Rabbity Lee" because he loved to talk, which he did very amusingly and at some length. I have often felt he was a much better actor than some of his material. He and Peter seemed close and distant at the same time. They probably didn't have that much in common apart from a very strong symbiotic working relationship.

Rabbity Lee… 🥲

Next is Price, Lee, and Cushing's opinions on House of the Long Shadows, which I feel each perfectly encapsulate their personalities.

Vincent Price spoke bitterly about the film in 1991: "A disaster - because the man, whoever - I can't even remember his name; psychosomatically I've forgotten it - the guy who directed it and the [editor] who cut it... they just cut all the comedy out of it... I hated it. Desi Arnaz, who was very good in it - they just turned it all over to him so that you never had the four people you wanted to see ever doing anything at all. That was that stupid director." When asked in 1992 if he agreed with Price that the film constituted a missed opportunity for the all-star team-up, Christopher Lee quickly responded: "I do, without a doubt. He was absolutely right. It's the old, old story: get it on film, finish it in time and on budget, and if it's in focus, we can sell it." Asked also of his memories of Pete Walker directing him, Lee replied simply, "He didn't." Peter Cushing's only complaint is that he suffered from bronchitis while making the film in a cold, damp, seventeenth-century manor house in Hampshire that had no heat. Because he found working with Lee, Price, and Carradine to be "a joy," Cushing summed up the film as "lovely to do."

Speaking of House of the Long Shadows, I wanted to bring up one particular criticism Mark A. Miller had of the movie to be very ironic if you've been in the fandom for this era of horror whatsoever on Tumblr. Miller absolutely hated the iconic "bitch" line from Price, saying of it:

Instead of the good-natured, funny lines that work so well in horror send-ups like The Raven, A Comedy of Terrors, and Young Frankenstein, in this film we only hear Price's character call Lee's a "bitch" - the embarrassing epitome of the script's nasty, witless spirit. After Price's line, the film seems more like a cruel practical joke on the venerable cast than an amusing parody of their images.

I agree with many of Miller's takes throughout the book, but definitely not all of them, and this is a case of that. That line's the best part of the movie! It's Vincent Price saying "bitch" in cursive, it's so delicious! Did Miller hate fun? I can't ask him because he's dead. What if the line was an ad-lib from Price, huh? If Miller knew how popular that moment is on this website, he'd probably be baffled, lol.

[pukanavis]

Fuyume Hanamura Idol Story 1

ーThe Yumenosaki Academy library, two years since the establishment of ES.

Fuyume: Excuse me?

Are there any fairy tales here…?

Oh, the shelf over there is the section for picture books and stuff?

Thank you for your help.

~...♪

(Ah, she was right. Yume recognises a bunch of the books over here.)

(They’ve got a good selection to choose from but the categorising is a mess. They’re just randomly thrown onto the shelf without any care for alphabetical order or release date.)

(Oh well…apparently no one has any love for fairy tales…)

(‘The Little Mermaid, ‘Momotaro’, ‘Tale of The Bamboo-Cutter’, ‘Snow White’, ‘Urashima Taro’, ‘Cinderella’—)

(Oh! It might not be the one Yume was looking for but he’s in the mood to read Cinderella today.)

(This story is another one that Yume adores.)

(It’s a tale about love being rewarded.)

…♪

Fuyume: …? Hm? Oh, uhm, you’re that nice person from earlier—did you need something?

You were so kind to Yume earlier, so he’d be happy to give you some company.

Huh? The Yumenosaki Academy library is off-limits to anyone that doesn’t work for or attend the school?

How could you tell that Yume isn’t a student here?

Ooh, cause Yume isn’t wearing the uniform…?

That makes sense…no biggie, Yume will be sure to wear the school uniform next time.

Yume is really good at sewing, so it won’t be a problem…fufu ♪

Huh? That’s not the issue?

Yume doesn't like anything you’re saying right now.

Here he was thinking you were a nice person.

Fuyume: Huh? Yume’s name is Fuyume Hanamura.

And you are? …Anzu-san? You’re a graduate of Yumenosaki?

You’re here at your old school to do some producer work, huh? It made you feel nostalgic so you’ve been walking around the grounds…? 

Oh, is that the case? Hmm…♪

Then, aren’t you and Yume in the same boat? Yume goes to a middle school separate from Yumenosaki and you’ve already graduated…right?

It sounds like neither of us are allowed to be here.

Let's work together then, okay? If you pretend you never saw Yume, he won’t go around yelling, ‘There’s a trespasser in here!’ …♪

What do they call it? A contract, business, bargaining? Let’s do something like that…♪

If you’re willing to comply, Yume will leave you be. He isn't particularly interested in you anyway.

Yume is just here to read some fairy tales.

…♪

Fuyume: Huh? Did you need something else? You want to know what Yume is reading?

Ehehe, you’re interested in fairy tales? Sounds like we can get along.

Ehehehehehe. Yume is just reading a picture book about the massively popular princess, Cinderella. Though, he actually wanted to read something else. 

Maybe you’ve heard of it? For some reason, no one in Japan knows about it—it’s a fairy tale about an amethyst. 

Even if you don’t know the story, maybe you’ve heard this quote before?

—”The amethyst broke into pieces.”

Fufu. I guess you haven’t heard of it. Oh well.

Basically, it’s a story about an ordinary girl that comes across an amethyst that can grant any wish that she desires.

In fact, she actually fuses with the amethyst and becomes a crystalised-human of sorts.

It’s a curse put on her by an evil witch…ehehehehe ♪

The plot is kinda similar to ‘The Happy Prince’. Actually, something like ‘Arabian Nights’ or ‘The Monkey’s Paw’ might be a better match.

After transforming into the wish-granting amethyst, the girl wishes for her crush to pay attention to her, or to become better friends with people—

With each little wish she makes, the amethyst uses its power and gradually begins to crack—

Aah…♪ Eventually, her body becomes so fractured that it crumbles away and she loses all of the love and friends that she had been granted.

Her loved ones view her like a monster and chase her away in fear.

After everything, the final wish she makes is—

Fuyume: —Ah, wait, Yume thinks you should read it for yourself to find out what happens next. Spoilers are a crime!

Ehehe. If there’s one thing Yume can say, it’s that he empathises with the amethyst girl and even admires her.

At the end of it all, the final remaining piece of her—

Becomes a ring that showers the wedding between her best friend and the one she loved in joy.

After everything, her final wish is—wait, oops, Yume just realised how much he’s spoiling. He’s really really sorry.

You don’t mind? Really? You’re super kind, you know?

Ehehe. You see, Yume shares the same wish as the girl who became a ring.

—-“I wish for your life to be full of joy.”

During her final moments, the girl whose selfish asks led her to break apart used her last wish to bring someone else happiness. 

Ehehe. Yume doesn’t have the power to grant wishes but he’ll do everything he can to achieve that too.

For example, Esu goes to Yumenosaki so Yume snuck in to watch over him in secret.

Huh? Does Yume love Esu?

It depends how you define ‘love’ but yep, Yume loves Esu.

But it's sad, isn't it? The reality we live in isn’t a fairytale.

—The amethyst already shattered long ago.

[newkatzkafe2023]

THE BALLADS OF SUN WUKONGS👑🐒

Yandere Monkey king Harem x Manipulative Queen reader

Chapter 2 Enter Monkey Queen Y/N

One morning Netflix Wukong had woke up from a nap as he heard knocking on the door he groaned and open the door to find no one but he did see a shiny green scroll on the ground.

(Netflix Wukong) WHAT?! I woke up for this?

(Lmk Wukong) What is it Netflix????

(Netflix Wukong) I don't really know it's a scroll of some kind, but I don't know what it's for

Lmk Wukong took the scroll and looked over it before releasing what it was and grew excited, he pulled Netflix inside their shared house.

(Lmk Wukong) GUYS GUESS WHAT?!?!?!? HEAVEN HAS INVITED US TO ONE OF THERE PARTIES?!?!?!?🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩

(Wukongs) WHAT?!🤨🤩😜🫨🤯

(Destined one)😲😲😲

the monkey kings have finally received an invite from the Jade emperor to a celestial ball. Some were cocky and excited about being directly invited, but those like HIB Wukong and the destined one were suspicious of this whole set up.

(HIB Wukong) You guys do know that this is clearly a trap right???🤨🤨🤨

(Destined one)(obviously)😑😑😑😑

(NR Wukong) oh come on lighten up a bit😄

(BMW Wukong) He's right, I bet they now realized how great we are😏

(HIB Wukong) I really don't know, There's something they're hiding And they want us to take the blame for it🤔

(MKR Wukong) Oh, please they know better than to mess with us, We'll just trash the palace again.😈

(NR Wukong) that was a great bros trip☺️

(Lmk Wukong) Look, let's just go to the party and just keep our guard up. It's fine😁

(Destined one)(I guess)😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨

(HIB Wukong) Yeah ok😑😮‍💨

Later that night, the monkey kings, along with the destined one, had arrived at the Celestial ball and saw many Deities and immortals in expensive suits and dresses. The monkeys were greeted by the jade emperor himself who saw them at the door.

(Old Jade) Welcome monkey kings, it is great that you all decided to come tonight please enjoy the festivities for tonight

(MKR Wukong) Ugh 10 minutes and I'm already bored😠

(BMW Wukong) I know I think I'm just drink in the back of the ball😒😒

(NR Wukong) I'm down for that😁😁😄😄

So the Wukongs went to do their own things, drinking, dancing, chatting with each other as the HIB and the destined one would monitor and keep an eye on anyone suspicious. Though soon the jade emperor had gathered the crowd saying that he had an announcement.

(Jade emperor) WELCOME EVERYBODY TO THE ANNUAL EVENT, I AM GLAD THAT YOU ALL DECIDED TO COME TONIGHT!!!

As the crowd of celestials and deities and immortals clapped, the monkey kings rolled their eyes at the old man.

(Jade emperor) I WANT TO ANNOUNCE TWO THINGS FOR TONIGHT, FIRST I AM PLEASE TO INTRODUCE THE NEW PALACE GUARD CAPITAN JIN ZHĀNG!!!!

The crowd claps again as a one-armed demon walks on stage, waving to the crowd, the monkey kings acting indifferent while destined one, claps as a curtesy apparently he gained popularity and was promoted for saving the jade emperor's daughter. Big deal🙄😒

(Jade Emperor) NOW FOR MY NEXT ANNOUNCEMENT IS THE ARRIVAL OF A NEW GUEST, PRESENTING THE QUEEN OF THE GORILLAS AND MONKEYS AND GODDESS REVENGE AND DESIRE I GIVE YOU!!!!!!

Soon a tall, muscular woman had appeared on top of the stair case wearing a black leather and dark blue dress and the monkeys jaws were touching the floor with a dark blush on their face.

(Jade emperor) QUEEN Y/N L/N!!!!!!!!!!!!

And the crowd goes wild as a beautiful monkey/gorilla hybrid reveals herself to the crowd, although she doesn't show much interest in the people applauding her. The monkey boys were chirping and purring at the sight of us as Netflix Wukong and the destined one silently blushing at us.

(Jade emperor) And queen y/n is also looking for a new husband as well

(Queen Y/n) Must you always tell people that😒

the monkeys grew excited about this news as you rolled your eyes as you bought up the nominations list of different types of bachelors including the monkey kings + the destined one.

The nominations for being Y/n's new betrothal came🎶🎵🎶🎵🎶

Being Her new husband and king became their claims🎶🎵🎶🎵🎶

You had displayed the list of men that had potential of marrying you.

(Pai Wang)(a ox rich demon merchant)

(Rui Bai)(a demon cat tailor)

(Fu Gao)(a gladiator demon Wolf)

(Aizen Cai)(a demon Fish Scholar)

(Ming Li)(A demon crane tutor)

(Kai Du)( Demon Tiger Mercenary)

(Jin Zhāng)(New Captain of the Celestial Guards)

(The Sun Wukongs+ Destined one)(the monkey kings)

The Wukongs jaws Dropped seeing they were immediately considered by you to be your husbands until they heard something that Partially shattered their world 🌎

Until gossip spread as the celestials claim Jin Zhāng to be (Y/n)'s new betrothal🎶🎵🎶🎵🎶🎶

(PITY DATES!!!!!!!!😨😰😱)

FEEL FREE TO REBLOG 👑

[fandsart]

To Be Friends

I’ve exaggerated some of Nancy’s negative character traits slightly in this story, but it’s also for the sake of her developing past them.

Robin usually sits alone, as sad as that is. It’s whatever; she’s comfortable with it. She can usually get some reading done without any interruptions. But it’s the first day back at school since they took down Vecna, and she’s pleasantly surprised when Nancy sits across from her. They smile at each other, a little stiff without a common goal they’re trying to work for.

“You packed a lunch today,” Nancy states awkwardly.

“Actually Steve made this for me. He always dotes more after, uh… notable events. Sometimes it’s just a particularly bad nightmare. One time Dustin popped a bike tire and Steve bought him a helmet after it was fixed. He gets spikes in paranoia when he’s reminded how easily things can go wrong.”

“That does sound like him. You should try dating him.”

Robin’s eyebrows furrow in confusion. “Is that a real suggestion?”

“Oh! No, I just mean that he doted on me all the time when he was dating me.”

“Yeah, he’s a real sap.”

There’s a lull in the conversation before Nancy speaks up again. “It is surprising you aren’t a couple. You’re both very attractive.”

“Uh… so? I mean, thank you? I mean… I’m not interested. He’s not my type.”

Nancy hums. “Don’t worry. I understand.”

“You… do?”

“I actually have dated Steve. It probably would have been smarter to be friends first. You’re smart that way.”

“... Thank you?”

“Yeah. I mean, I’m sure you’re well aware of the bullet you dodged.”

Robin chuckles uncomfortably. “Maybe? I guess that depends on what exactly you’re referring to.”

“You said yourself he tends to dote. It’s so much more extreme when he’s dating you. I don’t need to use his jacket for the one minute walk from the school to the car. I don’t need him opening doors for me. I can do that myself.”

“Uh-huh…” Robin says, trying to keep her eyes from squinting.

“And he gets so clingy. And emotional. I swear sometimes it was more like he wanted me to be his mom than his girlfriend, which is honestly so privileged. He cut off his friends for me, so it became my job to comfort him about it?”

“He was friends with them for a long time, and he didn’t have anyone else to talk to about it. He’d kind of just cut off all his other friends,” she tries to joke.

“They were assholes,” Nancy says, maintaining seriousness. “He shouldn’t have been so caught up on them.”

“If he didn’t realize just how shitty they were until you, then he must have had a lot of good experiences with them too. A lot to be conflicted about.” She knows this is the case, because Steve’s talked to her about it too.

“He shouldn’t have been friends with them in the first place.”

“So why did you date Steve for so long? Like a year, right? If he was such a shitty boyfriend? You shouldn’t have been dating in the first place?”

“That’s different.”

“How?”

“Because Steve was popular. Everyone loves him, but the only other person I thought might want me was too preoccupied to look at me. I waited a month with nothing. Can you really blame me for wanting to feel wanted and liked after my best friend died?”

“No, but I can blame you for using that as your excuse while apparently hating anything he did because he wanted and liked you. You literally started your complaints about how doting he can be.”

“What, like you don’t think it’s annoying?” And Robin knows what she means by that, but ‘annoying’ would never be the word she would use to describe it. Just… overwhelming sometimes. But understandable. “Besides, that was more of a pet peeve. You were the one who brought that up. There’s a reason I moved my complaints to him crying over his positive choices.”

And that startles Robin a bit. “He actually cried over it?”

Nancy rolls her eyes. “It was a hyperbolic idiom. But my point remains. Everyone loves him, but he was just upset that those two assholes didn’t anymore.”

“If everyone loves him why did no one turn up?”

“I’m sorry?”

“You say everyone loves him like he could have anyone, but you were all he had after Tommy and Carol immediately turned on him for pushing back one time.”

“You know what, that’s another thing. Why even be upset that someone who was willing to turn on you that quickly, did?”

“Well under that logic Steve should hate you then, shouldn’t he?”

“Oh, is that what this is about? Fine, go shoot your shot. I’m sure he’d love to have you. But don’t come crawling to me when he becomes too much for you.” With that she gets up from the table and sits at a newly vacant table.

Robin’s never ditched school before, but now she wants nothing more than to bike over to family video and hug her favorite person.

↞⬡+¤+⬡↠

She manages to talk herself out of skipping. She only had 2 and a half hours of school left after lunch, and none of the classes left were her best. Steve would take his break to pick her up anyway, so why put in the effort to bike all of the way there? Still, she has such a hard time concentrating on the last classes.

When she finally gets out, Steve is already parked in his usual spot, and she plops down into the seat.

“Bad day?” Steve asks.

“You know how you were hoping we could have some kind of outing with Nancy and Jonathan before the latter has to go back to California?”

“Yeah?”

“Scratch that. We’re not doing it.”

“What happened?”

She hesitates. She doesn’t want to be the one to tell him, but she also isn’t going to keep this from him. “Nancy told me that she didn’t like dating you, basically.”

“Oh, yeah, I know that.”

“And what, you're just ok with hanging out with her now?”

“I mean, it’s not her fault. She tried to like it. It’s not her fault she didn’t.”

“But it is her fault for not telling you how she felt about it. Let you think everything was fine. That’s leading you on.”

Steve shrugs. “It’s not like she was trying to do that. And it’s not like hanging out with her now would involve any kind of hope that we’d get back together. She didn’t like me as a boyfriend, but we can still be friends.”

“How do you know she likes you as a friend? If she lied to you about liking you as a boyfriend.”

“We should get to work before my break is up,” he says, putting the car into gear.

They don’t talk about it after that. They don’t talk much at all for the rest of the day.

↞⬡+¤+⬡↠

Robin doesn’t eat lunch in the cafeteria after that, not wanting to deal with Nancy again. She doesn’t necessarily know that Nancy would try to start up that conversation again, but even just seeing her in the hall sours her mood a bit, so she doesn’t need to be dealing with that.

So she’s sitting in an empty classroom eating lunch when Nancy finds her.

“You’ve been avoiding me.”

Robin glares. “Is this not mutually beneficial?”

Nancy sighs. “Look,” she starts as she sits in the seat beside Robin, “I’m not great at taking criticism. I’m a very defensive person. I’m not good at admitting when I’m wrong, but… I was, so…”

“So…” Robin prompts.

“So you were right. I just… needed to sit on all the points for a while before I could calm down enough to actually consider them.”

“Ok. But what are you going to do about it?”

“I’m… apologizing?”

“For what?”

Nancy rolls her eyes, but answers anyway. “For snapping at you, and not listening to what you were trying to tell me.”

“Ok. So what about Steve?”

“What about him?”

“Are you going to apologize to him too?”

“For fighting with you?” She lets out a confused breathy laugh. “I know you guys are close but is that necessary?”

“Are you serious right now?”

Nancy blinks a few times before jolting a little. “Oh! I was too focused on- yeah, I should. It’s just been so long I wasn’t even thinking about it.”

“Do you want to be friends with Steve?”

“What do you mean?”

“He still respects you, and wants to reconnect after… everything. I don’t want you to let him drag you to hang outs because it’s easier than denying a simple request, then blowing up at him about it later. Again. I don’t know if he’d come back from it a second time.”

“I honestly don’t know,” Nancy sighs. “If I want to be friends with him. I feel like… he carries an association… The whole year I was with him I was in mourning, and we only reconnected recently because of, as you worded it, ‘recent events.’ I just… every time I’ve been with him in one way or another… something bad was going on. I feel like being friends with him would just leave me on edge all the time.”

“Make sure he knows that then.” She picks up her now empty lunch tray and moves to leave the room.

“Wait, Robin!”

“Yeah?” she stops by the doorway.

“Can we still be friends?”

“I don’t know… But we can be more than not friends.”

“Yeah… I’d want to be more than ‘not friends’ with Steve too.”

“Make sure he knows.”

“Yeah…”

We never really see how Nancy responds to being wrong, because she’s never written to be. My headcanon for how she responds to it is that she gets really pissed, but after sitting on it for a long time she has a hard time denying when there’s an imbalance. She’s logical enough to know what’s right, but she’s stubborn, and bias towards her own perspective, so things like this do need to get pointed out to her and it takes her a while to come around.

[nonclassyparty]

friday, 01:56 (j.wy)

title; now shut your dirty mouth, if I could burn this town, i wouldn't hesitate to smile while you suffocate and die

summary; wooyoung is your sworn enemy but hooking up with him becomes a habit you just can't seem to quit (gen v au)

notes; part one of a drabble series called 'rule of thumb' set in the gen v universe where y/n is a bigender superhero and wooyoung is a blood bender (yea it's jordan & marie inspired but hear me out because there's less gore and massacres and more fucking and fluff okay). all credits for the superpowers and world building go to gen v writers, i'm just here to give some cute wooyoung drabbles also there's no update schedule for this, i'll just be writing it whenever i feel like i want to write some wooyo stuff

playlist // my main masterlist // click to donate to palestine

you met jung wooyoung a year and some months ago and from the first second your eyes connected - you knew peace will never be an option with him.

"cool shirt, you steal it from a middle schooler? why'd you guys bring a freshman over, we aren't tutoring anyone during lunch." was the first thing jung wooyoung uttered towards you, skipping the introduction completely as he eyes your scooby-doo shirt with apparent distaste and he plops down in the seat next to seonghwa who nervously twitches as he watches for your reaction. maybe seonghwa expected you to jump over the table and wring jung wooyoung's pretty neck.

you have no idea where he got the idea you could ever do something like that.

anyways, was the scooby-doo shirt embarrassing and a little bit ugly? yes. did you have a right to wear it nonetheless without being judged for it? fuck yes.

so fuck jung wooyoung, it's not like he dressed any better no matter how good he looked in just about anything. he didn't have any fashion sense whatsoever, he was just handsome - there was a difference.

if it ended there with jung wooyoung, you would've gotten over the little fashion quip and maybe, dare you say, you could've been friends. you would've liked that even.

you hate to say this and you would never admit it to anyone but before you got to know jung wooyoung, before you even started your freshman year at godolkin university that, you were an admirer.

because jung wooyoung, just a year older than you, was somewhat of a legend already on the god u campus by the time you were a freshman. a star student at the school of crimefighting that cleared several homicide cases in his first year and was climbing the ranks at super speed and reaching the top ten by winter break of his first year.

he was smart, dedicated, driven but more importantly, he was insufferable about it. always teasing you, poking fun at you for just the pleasure of getting a rise out of you. it might not even be considered that bad if you didn't allow for him to piss you off with the most innocent of comments.

you don't know how you ended up in his circle in your first year at godolkin, you were a bit of a hermit that avoided socializing and spent the better half of your freshman year training and discovering just how far your powers went for the first time.

by the time you felt comfortable with shifting into your male form and started getting the hang of controlling the powers that came with that form, you caught the attention of hongjoong and seonghwa who decided to, what they call, adopt you into their equally unhinged yet somehow popular clique. occupying the first eight spots of the rankings with san being first and wooyoung a close second, they were the campus elite.

the guys were cool, maybe a bit shallow sometimes, but that was to be expected when you go to college under a huge spotlight like they do. it's all-consuming.

they were your friends. the only problem was jung wooyoung.

on paper, there isn't a reason you two shouldn't get along. you have the same friends and share so many interests that it's kind of laughable but something about wooyoung just grates your nerves. his ability to get under your skin is astounding and he can infuriate you with nothing more than a single know-it-all grin.

tonight is no different.

in the club, that you snuck off of campus for, yunho serves as a barrier between the two of you but it doesn't stop wooyoung's teasing comments and pokes even when you're on the dance floor.

what's worse is that you start indulging him and, you'll blame it on the alcohol and plethora of drugs although you've learnt a long time ago they barely have any effect on your body thanks to the concoction cursing through your bloodstream since you were a baby, your hands keep straying towards him, drawn like magnets. it's infuriating. how much you want him.

a couple of fleeting moments later where your fingers brush subtly enough for it to be deemed as accidental, one moment between another and yunho is suddenly gone and wooyoung's hands reach out to be placed on your hips, the pretenses are gone.

you're both chest to chest, breaths mingling and noses brushing but still, you can't do it. not here, under these awful lights with all these people watching.

you push him away with your hands on his chest and for a second wooyoung looks worried before it melts into an annoying smirk after you grab him by the hand and start dragging him towards the bathrooms.

you think it got a bit too real for you out there on the dance floor, because the moment you're alone in the semi-clean looking bathroom of the club, you decide to start an argument with him. if nothing but to bring a sense of normalcy back between the two of you.

"what the fuck is your problem with me?" you hiss, blood rushing to your cheeks as wooyoung's eyebrows jump in faint surprise before you see him suppress a smile.

"my problem with you?" he asks, head tilted to the side and looking at you as if he knows what's going on in your head, like he knows that you're only starting a fight to deflect from whatever the hell that was on the dance floor and why you dragged him in here. which he doesn't, mind reading isn't in his superpower description, you checked! he smiles and it's a pretty smile, pretty fucking annoying. "i don't have a problem with you."

you frown, "wooyoung, stop messing around with me. i'll kill you."

he has the balls to laugh at that and it's only then you realize why. you didn't even notice that you basically have him pressed up against the sink. so close to putting your hands on him again. wooyoung leans in;

"look at you. you wanna kiss me so bad it makes you look fucking stupid." he whispers, hooded eyes grazing over your face before the corners of his mouth perk up again and he licks his lower lip, tongue just barely brushing the devastating beauty mark residing there, "you’re probably saying you wanna kill me just so you can have an excuse to touch me."

you feel like you can breathe for the first time in too long when you kiss him, your hand wrapped around the nape of his neck to pull him closer. it's messy and rushed but it's exactly what you need to feel like your entire nervous system is set alight, as the tension between the two of you finally snaps.

the small moan that escapes him has the ability to drive you insane and you cradle his face with both hands, licking at his bottom lip until he lets out a whine before parting his mouth open and allowing your tongues to meet.

you hate this. hate the thrill of pleasure that shoots through you when wooyoung's fingers dig into the material of the jeans wrapped around your hips. hate that you have absolutely no excuse to be kissing him in a dingy bathroom of a nightclub. absolutely hate how much you further want him.

his soft gasp makes you part away from him as you look down at his face that's sporting wide eyes and parted glossy lips.

you're confused for only a moment until you notice the problem. you're looking down at him.

your eyes connect with your reflection in the mirror over wooyoung's shoulder and you blush in mortification when you come face to face with your male form that you unconsciously shifted to somewhere in the middle of the kiss.

with red cheeks, you look at wooyoung again as your hands immediately leave his cheeks and you turn to take a step back not wanting to make him further uncomfortable, "i'm sorry, i di-"

wooyoung doesn't even say a word, it's just a sound that leaves his throat aching to a whine as his fingers latch onto your shirt and pull you back into him, sealing his lips over yours into another messy kiss that makes your blood sing. you don't know if it has something to do with the fact that wooyoung is a blood bender or that he doesn't mind kissing you like this either.

it's exhilarating. too much and definitely not enough at the same time. you want to see jung wooyoung unravel in front of you. because he's been pissing you off all night and now, you just want him to shut him up and kiss the life out of him.

you clumsily fumble with the button on his jeans, slipping a hand inside to palm him over his underwear. wooyoung moans softly, forehead leaning against your own and his hand comes up to the back of your neck before he pulls you into another kiss.

"please." he rasps out, parted lips brushing over your cheek and that's all the confirmation you need before dropping to your knees.

wooyoung rushes to shove his clothes out of the way and if you weren't so turned on, you would've found it funny. you don't laugh because you're straining against your own jeans and you have a task to get to as you stare right into wooyoung's eyes and open your mouth, waiting.

so, you let jung wooyoung fuck your mouth. you let him grab you by the back of your head, fingers weaving through your short hair. you let him rub the tip against your lips, you let him tell you that he likes you a lot better when you're too busy sucking him off to run your mouth.

of course, you respond that it's not a smart idea to be an annoying piece of shit to someone while their teeth are so close to his dick. it shuts him up immediately.

but it's all worth it because wooyoung's honey skin looks flawless even under the shitty lights of the bathroom and his moans bouncing off the walls are ridiculously sweet just like you knew they would be. god, you must be some kind of masochist.

there is no other reason that would explain why you're here with jung fucking wooyoung of all people. it's bad enough that he's wooyoung, the most annoying person on planet earth that has spent the last year doing nothing but teasing you but it's still worse that he's straight.

you can defend yourself however you like but even you have to admit that no normal, well-adjusted person that has spent their teenage years agonizing over their gender identity and suppressing their own powers because the implications that they're also a boy and not just a girl felt awfully too big and something their parents could never be proud of, finally coming to terms with their powers and accepting themselves for what they are - only to go out and make their first hook-up post that revelation, a straight boy that made it a mission to piss them off daily.

"you're so sweet actually." wooyoung pants, thumb gliding under your eye to wipe the tears away.

you wish he'd stop talking.

you wish you weren't enjoying this so much.

wooyoung's head thuds against the mirror hanging above the sink he's currently leaning on and his hand tightens in your hair, so you know he's close. you double down on your efforts, swirling your tongue around the head and hollowing out your cheeks. your eyes fall shut as all you hear are wooyoung's soft grunts and the wet sounds of him fucking your mouth before he's coming with a low groan into your open mouth.

"fuck." wooyoung sighs, hands slipping from your hair and falling to grip the sink.

your knees ache as the hard tiled floor was unforgiving to them but you still stand up and quickly walk into one of the stalls to spit into the toilet and wipe at your eyes as subtly as you can, so you don't actually look like you just had your face fucked.

"yeah." you nod, voice hoarse as you tug on your oversized shirt. it's sort of crazy that you think you hate wooyoung a little less than you did twenty minutes ago. you hope it lasts long enough to get out of here without wanting to rip his head from his shoulders.

unfortunately, wooyoung is still....wooyoung and the five seconds you give him with your back turned towards him as you fix yourself up is enough for him to shatter any blissful fantasy of not feeling anything but hate and dislike towards him.

"i can still be straight even if i liked you sucking me off, right? since you're not...you know...." you're frozen and it feels like you're watching a car crash. you faintly wonder how can someone so brilliant, so smart, be so fucking stupid and insensitive at the same time.

you want to interrupt him but you're stuck in one place bound to watch the crash and burn. of course, after you stay quiet, wooyoung continues;

"you know, you're you."

"that's an astounding observation wooyoung, truly. i'm me."

"you know what i mean."

the tissue you used to wipe off the last bits of your make-up gets balled up in your hand and you refuse to look at him as you shift back to your female form so the boner in your pants wouldn't be visible.

"frankly, i don't give a fuck how you choose to label yourself but i think it's worth noting that you liked having someone who you know wasn't a girl suck your dick."

you don't look at him again, swearing that you were completely done with him after tonight as you push past him and head for the exit door.

the resolve lasts for almost as long as wooyoung did with his dick down your throat, which if you are being honest - wasn't very long.

[scottxlogan]

gifs of 2024

post your favorite and most popular post from each month this year (it’s okay to skip months)

I wasn't very good at tagging all the gifs I did so I'm going based on the ones that I tagged gifs for this one lol because I have no clue.

Thank you for tagging me @jdmorganz

JANUARY

most popular: Wolverine in X-Men The Last Stand favorite: Hugh Jackman as Wolverine in Logan (2017) (I just like how they turned out)

FEBRUARY

most popular/favorite: Steve and Tony in the Avengers (apparently that was the only gif set I made here in Feb lol)

MARCH

most popular: Logan with beer and a cat (X-2, 2003) favorite: James Marsden as Scott Summers/Cyclops in the Fox X-Men Movies (Part 5: X-Men 2000 Scott arrives in Logan’s room to find Logan and Jean together).

APRIL

most popular: Stony in Avengers: Age of Ultron favorite: Same since I must not have made many that month.

MAY

most popular: Wolverine and Cyclops (X-Men 2000) favorite: (same)

JUNE

most popular: Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark in Iron Man (2008) favorite: (same)

JULY

Apparently I made no gifs this month...wow that seems odd.

AUGUST

most popular: Wolverine’s Claws first revealed in X-Men 2000 favorite: (same)

SEPTEMBER

most popular: “…because I’m with you..to the end of the line.” Steve Rogers to Bucky Barnes (Captain America: The Winter Soldier 2014) favorite: Tony and Natasha in Iron Man 2 (2010)

OCTOBER

most popular: 2024 | Day #15: “References”. Tony Stark referencing pop culture. favorite:  2024 | Day #24: “Summer Time”. So yeah, maybe I failed the assignment on this one a bit because my loose interpretation is “Scott Summers Time” or in this case a nod to Scogan time because you can’t have Scott Summers without Summer (and yes I realize that sounds like a dad joke, but it works for me ;-))

NOVEMBER

most popular: Avengers Infinity War: “What master do you serve? favorite: Misc gifs of superheroes with food/drink (that didn’t make the giftober cut when I was working out each day)

DECEMBER

most popular: Steve and Bucky in the bar together in Captain America: The First Avenger favorite: Robert Downey Jr as Tony Stark in Iron Man 3

Thanks for this! It was interesting to see how the giffing went this year. If anyone else wants to do this, please feel free to do so!

[not-terezi-pyrope]

It doesn't excuse the misinformation and reactionary sentiments that get thrown around, but something I reality check myself on occasionally is that the sharp divide, especially on capabilities/usefulness, between a lot of computing/ML people and the general public in how they view modern AI post its popular emergence into culture really is due to where those two crowds are coming from.

If you've been into AI, machine learning on really anything to do with computing/automation at all, you've seen how useless pretty much all automation/machine data comprehension used to be outside of a very narrow context. You've programmed algorithms to try and simulate aspects of human speech, to query databases, to try and classify different data sets. From that context, you look at something like ChatGPT and rightfully recognize it as a paradigm changing near miracle, because your baseline was so low.

Meanwhile, you have your laypeople who have only interacted with humans and fictional portrayals of AI systems that act like humans, so when presented with something and told that it's an AI that's more realistic than ever, I guess that's the assumption. It always frustrated me to see these long essays talking like they've just "discovered" that a new model is unreliable or can't robustly understand a given task, or that it's just emulating a behaviour instead of really "experiencing" the internals of it. I was always like, why would you ever assume it can do that? Nothing before has ever been able to come close, why would you expect perfection immediately? But I need to remind myself that most people have had this drop into their lives out of the blue and really have almost no realistic grounding.

I do need people to recognize that this is a consequence of their own lack of knowledge and information than to talk like people in tech have actively "deceived" them. When you drill down into stuff like the "it's not really AI" conversation, it's always just "I had assumptions and this didn't live up to them", but people are always so aggressive about it, like they've been deliberately taken for a ride. I need people to have a little humility here and recognize that what actually happened is that they didn't know as much as they thought they did.

Of course in the current climate that would require acknowledging that the entire AI field isn't composed of simpering Elon Musk-worshipping "techbro" idiots selling snake oil, against whom anyone else is immediately morally, and therefore apparently intellectually, superior to. So I'm not holding my breath too hard.

(Obligatory fuck Elon Musk in case anyone gets the wrong idea, I am also using "Elon Musk fan" as derogatory. Not because his companies have never done anything technically interesting but because the man himself is doing more harm to the world and the reputation of the fields he sticks his dick in than practically anyone alive right now)

[paragonrobits]

recently found out a well known Youtuber who has been deeply critical of Steven Universe in ways that I really fucking hate has apparently now criticized Delicious In Dungeon/Dungeon Meshi's character Laios as being a sociopath for, apparently, not being emotionally demonstrative and because he is a lovable weirdo who is all about his special interests, decrying him as a sociopath

Laios reads as EXTREMELY on the autistic spectrum; if he's not canonically intended to read that way, I'll be deeply surprised, and frankly this is not at all unsurprising to hear from this specific critic, though it DID anger me so much i almost went into a hatewatching frenzy just to see what the bullshit was, but i restrained myself because pouring acid into your brain does you no good

this instead illustrates a central point i tend to have with the mentality people like this critic have: they're dicks to autistic people, particularly those who cannot or will not mask to pretend to be allistic. They are what they are, and those people like me prefer not to stress ourselves out constantly pretending to be Normal because these particular allistic people hate someone obviously different from them

and that's what it really boils down to, isn't it?

Laios isn't like the Normal person; he's loud, often off putting without meaning to be, genuinely passionate and very compassionate without expressing it in a way the allistics might consider familiar. His character arc is all about caring for his sister, doing whatever he can to save her; its very textually obvious that he's not heartless.

But because he doesn't act like what these kind of people expect Normalcy to be like, they think he's an inherently bad person, or that he's a sociopath or whatever term they feel like bringing out.

I really can't stand allistics who have this kind of instant distrust and hatred towards someone that doesn't act Normal to them. It's the logical extreme of the way these people constantly complain about things being insufficiently pure (and if they are, they complain that its boring); going from constantly taking the absolute worst interpretation of someone to seeing a character who is undeniably heroic but is cheerfully weird, deeply passionate about a thing that is not especially popular or normalized, and not like the viewer, and doesn't emote like other people, and they conclude this character MUST be evil or fundamentally incapable of morality.

In short, the way they talk about a character who reads as autistic sounds exactly like the way those people talk about actual autistic people.

EDIT: since initially composing this post i found out this person is autistic, or claims to be so and ???????? that is BAFFLING, how the fuck can you be on the spectrum and still be this hostile to people like you is baffling, but they also think that Sheldon Cooper is good autistic representation (And that Family Guy has better LGBT representation than Steven Universe) so I don't know why anyone thinks their opinion matters beyond a case study for poor media literacy.

(personally I'm inclined to think this person is not on the spectrum at all but claims it for clout purposes, which seems to be a trend with this person in particular)

[baconpicture]

Darcy's Relationships

just a random Darcy realization that I don't know what to do with.

So, in season 2 everybody was getting paired up in 1 on 1 conversations with someone that wasn't their love interest to have a conversation that benefited at least one of them but usually both with the almost exclusive exception of Darcy (the literal only others are Sahar, the 3 rugby boys and Mr. Farouk). This makes sense considering she already struggled to open up to Tara who she's known and probably loved for years but it just really shows how closed off she actually is like after Tara walked off after calling her out at the louvre and she switches to a big grin the split second she turns to Nick and Isaac before immediately dropping it the second they're in front of her.

Okay so my realization Is that not only does she not have any 1 on 1 conversations with anyone that isn't Tara but every time she has a meaningful connection with someone its always not only while she's with Tara but also because of Tara. For example, Tara introducing Nick and Elle to Darcy and also Sahar introducing herself because of Tara's excitement about prom where I believe Darcy doesn't even say anything to Sahar apart from nod I guess otherwise letting Tara take the lead until that lunch where Darcy makes a joke to the group. Infact, I think the only time we see Darcy try and make a friend independent of Tara is when they meet Charlie for the first time but for the most part it seems like Tara is always on the lookout for new friends and Darcy just seems content becoming friends with Tara's friends.

I don't know if this is because Darcy is actually a lot more introverted than she seems or if she's too codependent on Tara or perhaps this is just the only way she's learnt she can make friends. As in if they became friends with Tara first and she just throws herself in as a package deal considering Alice did say Darcy didn't have many friends to begin with at Higgs because people thought she was weird. And Tara and Darcy have apparently been friends since year 7 and Tara seems to be sort of popular so it would kind of be a logical plan. Also, in that case she probably would have tried to make friends with Charlie by herself because she felt safe enough to do so. Idk the last whole scenario might be projecting on my behalf and either way we have not seen her connect with someone without Tara being there as is the point of this post.

[the-hilda-librarians-wife]

Sketchbook Week Day 7 - Cellularity

Summary: Trolberg General Hospital is a lovely place to work in. Unless you piss the pathologist off, of course, in which case it's hell. But she is hardly ever even seen in those white corridors, anyway, and apparently her mood has gotten better in the past few months since the new paediatrician had been hired.

That day was an unfortunate exception to Dr. Underhill's new wave of goodwill, though.

Notes: Written for @sketchbookweek Day 7 - Alternate Universe

‘Oh if we give people a free/AU day, they’ll surely make good use of it!’. WRONG. HOSPITAL AU 🧠🫀🫁🦴🧑‍🔬🔬🏥🏥🏥 🏥🏥🏥🚑🚑🚑🚑🚑🚑🌡️🌡️🌡️🌡️🌡️🥼🥼🥼🥼🥼🥼📋📋📋🧪🧪🧪🧫🧫🧫🧬🧬🔬🔬🔬🔬🔬🔬💊💊💊💊💊🩹🩹🩹🩼🩼🩺🩺🩺🩻🩻🩻🩻🧠🫀🫁🦴

That being said, content warning for discussion of health conditions, cancer, hospitalisation… all that stuff. Nobody actually suffers, this is silly fanfic, but keep that in mind if those are sensitive topics for you <3

-> The reference numbers scattered throughout the chapter are all things that I thought might be nice to explain. You can find the notes at the bottom of the fic, though they will be easier to read if you do so in ao3 (I put return to text options there)

Read it on ao3

When anyone asked Kaisa the reason why she’d picked this job, there were many different answers she was used to giving. She wanted to help people. It was all terribly interesting. It was the area that felt the least overwhelming. She just had a natural affinity for it. None of them were lies, and she’d gotten good at choosing which sides of the truth to reveal to each person who asked her, depending on how close they were. But the embarrassing truth that she was never going to admit anyone, was that she’d chosen pathology, simply put, because cells were pretty. She’d chosen it way before she could rationalise any of those other explanations. Way before she’d even realised her path had been traced, back when she was still so certain she’d follow in her tutor’s footsteps during histology class.

It couldn’t be helped. One look into a microscope and she’d been a goner. Those blasted hepatocytes would always be remembered as the thing she fell in love with the most quickly in her entire life. Though not by much.

So here she was, at this crossroads. Because she’d chosen this specialty - before she’d seen its other merits - for its beauty. Because for all that this might sound silly, the fact that she was in on this hidden, miniscule world and therefore was the only one who could find answers to truly essential questions sent her reeling every time.

But how the fuck was she expected to explain what was going on with the cells if there were none of them?

Kaisa huffed, giving up on the endeavour of finding a single useful cluster after she’d already run through the entire slide with no luck. Only useless blobs of stringy colloid [1] - which, okay, did look pretty but was not at all helpful - and the odd cell here and there. It was not, in any way, shape, or form (and it’s worth mentioning that a pathologist knows a lot about shapes and forms) enough for a diagnosis. And that’s because she knew what she was looking for, because truly, a child with a single thyroid nodule, irregular outlines and microcalcifications? She knew what that reeked of. And so did the paediatrician, who had immediately ringed Kaisa about it. She’d picked up the very second it had rang, of course. Kaisa didn’t much like using her cellphone to actually talk, but for her she always did.

And it had been a good thing, too. Always helped to know what to expect of the new slides that came in. Most doctors in the hospital liked to think of pathology as a magic lab you could send your problem to and just have it miraculously disappear, but contrary to popular belief Kaisa was not some sort of magician. She was not going to guess which card you picked. Nor was she going to throw around diagnosis without knowing the first thing about a patient’s case.

She shouldn’t have to, at least. But anyone would be hard pressed to remember a single time she’d gotten her verdict wrong, even when the information she’d been provided with was nowhere near sufficient.

Perks of having chosen the superior area of medicine.

That, and talking to nobody.

Which was clearly not working for her at the moment since she had to hastily turn off her microscope’s light to strut down Trolberg General Hospital’s not-so-busy corridors (admissions were on the lowermost floor), people in scrubs and white coats moving out of the way at the inpatient look on her face. She wouldn’t ever knock over anyone, of course. But they didn’t all necessarily know that, and would probably rather not try their luck.

The silent halls began gradually filling with sound as she moved out of the labs area. One floor down, to the surgical wards; now there were companions, friends and family of those admitted spread across some of the chairs lining up the walls, hushed conversation over the phone as someone delivered whatever news they had to the family members that weren't able to be present. Another flight of stairs and she was at the clinical wards, this one with corridors much more busy not because of companions, since patients there usually didn’t stay for long - for good reasons, get your mind out of the graveyard, Christ’s sake - but rather because of the rustle of nurses and technicians going from ward to ward. Kaisa rather thought that one blond woman she saw walking around was a nutritionist. Must be lunch time for them.

She really wouldn’t know. She’d been so caught up in going through every millimetre in all the slides from that damned fine needle aspiration (fancy way of saying you reverse-injected someone’s throat, that was) that she’d completely lost track of time and internal cues of hunger.

Come think of it, that may just play a part in why she was so damn pissed. Maybe she should take a break. The case wasn’t filed as urgent. She could easily go to the cafeteria, get her blood sugar levels back to normal, and deal with that issue later like a cool, controlled person.

She didn’t do that, of course. Kaisa knew very well what her hurry was about, and it wasn’t lunch time. Instead, she went down the last flight of stairs, where the clinics were, and marched straight up to radiology, uncaring if the patients all waiting to be called for their consultations, sitting or standing calmly near the walls, thought she was mad as she walked around with her white coat flowing behind her like a cape.

Oh, hell, she’d forgotten to close it all the way through again, hadn’t she?

The point was, when she’d arrived at the imaging centre, she’d worked herself up to such an unpleasant-looking state that no one so much as tried to stop her from strutting right in. ‘White coat effect’ means more than just blood pressure rising when you’re around. It was why she still wore it to work even though there was nothing to get dirty with at the lab.

Well, to avoid contamination too, she supposed. But it was mostly to Look Cool and to Open Doors, and everybody knew that.

The secretary let her know right away where the doctor was. All the aspiration’s slides had come with Lloyd’s stamp under the analysis request, so there was luckily no doubt about who she had to go to for this.

He had locked himself away in one of the report rooms, and was understandably startled once Kaisa opened the door up without as much as a knock to warn him. Light from the corridor immediately flooded the dark room, making him shield his eyes since he’d looked back at the sound of someone entering. He didn’t even have the time to ask her what was going on before Kaisa reached beside the door frame and turned on the ceiling lights.

“Come on, man!” It was the most emotion she’d ever heard him put in a sentence. Perhaps she should attempt to blind him more often.

Unwilling to remain there any longer than strictly necessary, Kaisa picked the folded request from her pocket and extended it towards him. “Did you do this FNA [2]?” The question was redundant given his stamp and signature were both present, but an accusation being the first thing out of her mouth sounded like it was a step over ‘rude’ and already inside ‘might get you kicked out of the imaging clinic’ territory. The younger man reached out to grab it and attempted to read even though he was still blinking from having to adjust his eyes so suddenly to the brightness. Even so, it took a couple moments longer than Kaisa would have deemed reasonable for him to give an answer.

“Hmmm, yeah?”

“Yeah?” She repeated a bit mockingly. “There isn’t a period at the end of your sentence. I’m only asking to be polite, what is yeah? supposed to mean?”

He rubbed the back of his head, with its ridiculous monk-like haircut. The man didn’t look shameful, only tired and more than a little annoyed at Kaisa’s presence.

“I mean, I asked for the cytology. But I didn’t do it.”

There was an answer already ready at Kaisa’s tongue. It went something among the lines of ‘what the fuck do you even think cyto means [3] if you don’t give me any damn cells to bloody look at?’ The plan was, however, foiled by the last part of his sentence. Her mind screeched to a halt

“What?”

Aware of what that must have sounded like, Lloyd raised his hands before Kaisa could start screaming at him. The sooner he got rid of her, the better. It was way too bright in there for his tastes.

“I let one of the students do it.” He said it as if it were a good thing, but Kaisa actually thought she was about to faint. “There’s this quiet little guy that shadows me often. I thought he was ready to give it a try. He’s already in his third year, you know. Was scared shitless, but it worked out in the end.”

Many thoughts swarmed Kaisa’s mind all at once, all fighting for a chance to reach her mouth and to maybe influence her to hit the radiologist’s extremely punchable face. Third year is far from old enough and are you fucking talking about David?!, but the one that came out instead was:

“You thought it’d be a good idea to let him practise it for the first time on a ten year old?”

Lloyd blinked, but it was the only show of emotion in his face. His brows, eyes and mouth remained as inexpressive as ever.

“Oh, the kid was ten? I didn’t really read the examination request all the way through.”

TIldy was going to be so very upset if she got expelled from the hospital for attacking a fellow doctor. Her left eye twitched. She bit her own tongue to try to keep it from spilling something that she’d come to regret. Her hands balled into fists. Yes. Tildy would be very upset indeed.

“Yes.” Kaisa said through clenched teeth. “The patient is ten.”

Lloyd seemed to take a moment to consider the information, though Kaisa doubted he was using more than two neurons to do so. It took him no longer than five seconds to lose whatever train of thought he'd been running after (if there had ever been one at all) and raise both eyebrows at her. Only slightly, of course. No one would ever be able to accuse him of emoting any more than was strictly necessary.

"So?"

"So?"

"I mean, it went well. He told me he'd gotten the patient to cooperate and had done what had been requested. By the looks of it, you got the material, didn't you?"

She had gotten the material, which was something he should give more thought to. It meant she had several useless pieces of glass to spare, and she really wouldn't mind using them to play target practice with him.

"Did you-" Kaisa spoke slowly in hopes that a little bit of breathing would ground her. "Instruct him on how to do it properly, and on what to ask the patient for? Because the cellularity in the slides you sent me is shit. I can't see anything. At all."

The man shrugged. "Well, I didn't just send him to test his luck. I let him watch me do it several times."

"But was he present when you talked to the patient? Does he know you need to ask the patient to, I don't know, stay silent? Or to not swallow? Or to not breathe too deeply when the exam is being done?"

"Well, no. I tell them that before they go to the ultrassonography, and the boy usually stays there. But, you know."

The sentence was left there. Right there. Kaisa began popping her fingers joints. Raven would be beyond annoyed.

"I do not know." She growled, and Lloyd just sent her a level look.

"It's very instinctive to ask for these things." He completed, to which she took what she hoped looked like an intimidating step closer. It was hard to feel in charge near most of her coworkers, but Lloyd's energy was so perfectly described by 'wet and pathetic' that it helped matters along for her.

"Well, clearly it's not instinctive!" She poked pointedly at the exam request with his stamp, his signature, and what she now understood to be David's calligraphy. "You know what's instinctive, though?" He shook his head, letting the tiniest bit of apprehension show by the bob of his cricoid cartilage. "To speak, breathe deeply and swallow when you are ten and someone's sticking a needle in your throat!"

The message finally seemed to have come through his thick skull, and he moved to his monitors to close the thorax radiographies he'd been looking at (someone had a pretty nasty pneumonia, apparently) to look for images and notes on that exam in the system. Kaisa wondered if he'd ever done a tomography on himself. She doubted the rays would have managed to have made it inside his head.

Maybe that was exactly the problem, though. Maybe he had been smart once and all that radiation had just melted his brain into something gooey and bright green. Heavens knew it was entirely likely.

"See the nodule?" He asked once he had found the young boy's file, and all the exams that had been performed on him in it. "It's not markedly hypoechoic, which is good. But the contours aren't precise and there are some calcification foci. What do you think?"

She thought it looked black and white and blurry. People who understood ultrasonography were either able to see stuff that other people weren't, like they were medicine's shrimps, or were just straight up making that shit up to make everybody else feel dumb. Kaisa saw a black ball in the middle of a light grey streak, thank you very much.

"I think the nodule's image matters very little to me right now. I need the material."

"Well..." Lloyd rubbed at his chin, looking entirely disinterested. "That's gonna be a problem. I already told him to send you all the slides that could be used."

"I only got four!"

"Yeah, the other ones were hemorrhagic [4]. You wouldn't have seen anything either."

Kaisa took a deep breath, and was proud of herself when the exhale didn't come out a scream. She also put a fingertip to Lloyd's chest and told him in no uncertain terms what he had to do, and what she'd do to him if he didn't go through it.

She was also proud of herself for that.

.........

It was a common misconception that hospital food only sucked for patients. Kaisa had no idea where it had come from, since it seemed very cruel from the people who had actually promised to only ever help them to have good food and only give them access to the soggy, saltless one. No. Hospital food was just all around trash. They all blamed the nutrition department for it; they were right to do so, too.

It wasn't like they didn't have other places to eat (the hospital staff, that was; the patients truly had no choice). They were in the middle of a bustling city, there was no lack of dining options in the blocks surrounding the hospital.

Did they ever go to any if it wasn't a special occasion? No. Because the laziness to even leave the building during their working hours united them all and made them hostage to hospital food.

"Hemorrhagic." Kaisa mumbled under her breath as she toyed with a roasted baby potato on her plate. "Fucking erythrocytes. They shouldn't even be real cells."

"What are ye whining about this time?”

There was a clatter as Edmund not so gently placed his tray on the table, sitting down on the spot right in front of her. He looked tired, and Kaisa would have worried that his morning had been too harsh except that tired was just how he usually looked. She threw her hands up in the air, not really caring that she probably sounded like a toddler.

“Red blood cells! They’re a pain, they don’t-”

“They don’t even have nuclei, yeah, I know, we’ve had this conversation a couple of times before. It’s never about them, though. Which slide is kicking your ass this time?”

Kaisa crossed her arms and slid a few inches down the back of her chair. The cafeteria was mostly empty, way past its rush hour. That meant the food was no longer as fresh, but Kaisa preferred that over the insufferable noise of every physician in the place talking all at once. It was mostly the technicians who ate at that hour of the day; they were eons more bearable. Especially because they didn’t try to engage her in small talk.

Edmund being there didn’t bother her, though. She hadn’t gotten truly close to many people regardless of how long she’d been working at that same hospital, but the infectologist was someone she was reasonably sure she could call her friend. Him, and the psychiatrist as well, she had to admit, even if she’d known her for a long time before; madwoman had grown on her like an MRSA colony [5]. Which unfortunately didn’t mean she wasn’t stressed enough to prefer not to speak to anyone.

“None.” She lied. “It’s nothing. You’re looking far worse for wear than me, though. What is it?”

Though she was under no illusion that he was convinced, Edmund took the bait. That meant, of course, that he must be bursting to talk about it. Which he did, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands, his food remaining untouched while Kaisa took the opportunity to continue eating hers.

“I think I’ve got a case of spotted fever.”

She raised an eyebrow, barely finishing her chewing before speaking. “Why the suffering over it? You like these weird diagnostics. If you already narrowed it down to spotted fever you can begin treating it, right?”

“Yes!” He laid both hands flat on the table surface. “That’s not the problem! The problem is that he could have been diagnosed and treated long ago if his GP had been moderately inquisitive. Wanna know how I found out?”

Kaisa nodded, though she knew she’d end up hearing it no matter her answer.

“I asked about any recent travels and the patient, unprompted, showed me a picture. Of himself in a forest.” Edmund leaned forward towards her, lowering his tone of voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “Holding an Amblyomma sculptum.”

Nodding slowly, Kaisa leaned towards him across the table as well, keeping his gaze and a deadpan face. When she was close enough that she could feel the man’s breath across her chin, she whispered with the same solemnity as he had.

“Your little bug names mean nothing to me. [6]”

“Wow!” He leaned back in a swift motion and crossed his arms. “See if I ever let you show me a ‘pretty eosinophile’ again!”

Kaisa also returned to her previous position, except this time her right elbow was on the table and she was pinching the space between her brows. “Ugh, sorry, Ed. I didn’t mean it in a rude way, I’m just not in a good mood today. And I really do have no idea what that name means.”

For all his talk, Edmund was a patient man. Not that he’d ever admit it, but he was. He opened (though ‘open’ might be too strong of a term for the subtle expression on his face) a compassionate smile for her

“It’s one of the tick species that transmits the Rickettsia rickettsii.” He answered, and Kaisa patted herself in the back for not calling him a nerd for throwing another scientific name at her. “Now will you tell me why you’re grumpier than normal?”

“I- yes, well, I suppose I should.” She sighed, not even bothering to protest the accusation. It was hard even for her to bear herself at the moment. “I’m just frustrated because the cytology samples for a patient I wanted to diagnose as soon as possible came with very low cellularity. Couldn’t see shit. And when I went to Lloyd to talk about it, it became clear that it was his fault. He let a student do the aspiration for the first time without any supervision whatsoever. So now we’ll have to wait two more weeks [7] to redo it and see if I can get some decent slides.”

“Hm.” Edmund played with his food more than he ate it. Kaisa had a good inkling that he was probably wishing it was a sandwich instead of an actual meal, but didn’t want to eat one in front of his coworkers. Had to set an example, and all that. “Well, not Lloyd’s smartest idea - not that Lloyd ever has many of them - but I guess the student had to begin somewhere.”

“Somewhere didn’t have to be a ten year old.”

The infectologist lifted his gaze to her, suddenly looking a lot more excited. Which never bore well, of course.

“Oh, so this isn’t about the slide, is it?” He asked with a mischievous twinkle to his eyes. Kaisa squirmed in her seat in front of him.

“What else would it be about?”

Humming in fake contemplation, he rubbed his chin before answering. “Maybe, just possibly, it could be about the new paediatrician who someone has oh so kindly been trying to befriend?”

Kaisa almost choked on her food. Almost, because her mouth hadn’t actually been full, so it would have actually been an achievement if she’d done so. She was certain her cheeks were getting red, no doubt giving her away.

Fuck, this was the major downside of having friends. She’d thought she was being subtle.

“Edmund, I’m a professional!”

“Of course you are.” He said, a little more seriously. “And honestly, you need to get rid of this idea that being a professional means not talking to anyone. It’s healthy to have people you rely on. Nothing more natural than getting close to the people you work with, too.”

Kaisa tried to look away, but he petulantly flinged a crouton at her to get her to pay attention to him.

“Listen, it’s been cute seeing you try to hide this crush-” At that point she opened her mouth to argue against the accusation that she had something as embarrassing as a crush, but he lifted his hand to ask for her silence. For some reason, she acquiesced. Probably because she knew she had no good arguments against him. “But I just want you to know you can be straightforward about it to me. I can be your wingman!”

Impaling a potato with her fork, Kaisa grumbled. “I don’t need a wingman. I need sufficiently cellular slides.”

“Which brings me to my next point.” He continued as if he had never been interrupted, completely unfazed. “You should be there for the kid’s next FNA.”

“What?” It was bold of him to suggest she leave the comfort of her lab. Very bold. “Why would I do that? I don’t know shit about ultrasonography.”

“‘Course not. But I bet it would be easier for the patient.”

“How the fuck does having another nitwit in a white coat in the room help the patient?”

Edmund rolled his eyes. He was a good decade older than her, and even though most days it didn’t feel like it, every now and then he’d act just condescending enough that she’d remember it. It made her want to deck him each time.

“Do you have kids, Kaisa? Nephews?” He asked even though he knew damn well the answer. She shook her head anyway, glaring at him. “Well, I do. And let me tell you, a ten year old patient will not be happy about going through all that again. It’s a wonder they even managed to do it the first time.”

“And you want me to do what, distract him?”

“Comfort him. You can’t do a lot but you can make sure the kid and his parents know that there is at least one doctor who truly cares about the case.”

Bastard. He had a point. And he probably knew she’d recognize it too, judging by his smug smile.

“Besides, that’s the way to know the procedure will be done correctly, isn’t it? Get your slides as soon as possible and run to your lab. Wouldn’t want to leave the patient’s doctor waiting.”

She didn’t even acknowledge the jab, but Edmund’s smirk made Kaisa hyper aware that this wouldn’t be the last time they talked about the subject.

…......

A lot of time had been lost with her whole mad dash for proper cytology samples, so after she came back to the lab Kaisa found out she was behind schedule. That sure did put a damper on her plans to sneak down to the paediatrics clinic, but unfortunately she had to admit it wasn’t actually necessary to go there.

“Hey, Johanna. Kaisa here.” She said and immediately cringed, turning her face away from the microscope’s lens and to her phone, deleting the audio she’d begun recording right away. It was an audio message in a chat they’d already begun. She didn’t need to introduce herself, for heaven’s sake.

Pressing the recording button again, she went back to the prostate biopsy on her microscope, even if only to pretend - to herself, seeing as there was nobody else nearby - that she wasn’t completely focused on Johanna.

“Hey, Johanna. Sorry for the audio message, I didn’t want to call you so I wouldn’t bother your consultations. I looked at the slides from that patient you were worried about. The ten year old with a papillary carcinoma suspicion. I’ll have to get back to you about it, though. The cellularity was awful, Lloyd will have to call him back to repeat the FNA. I’m so sorry about that. You, uh, you might want to contact the family to tell them that yourself. Both because they know you better and because Lloyd has the sensibilities of a rock. Um. Yeah. That’s all. Good afternoon.”

Kaisa sighed and dropped her head to her hands as soon as she’d pressed send. Her brain hadn’t actually registered a single thing she’d seen on that slide.

Her answer came around half an hour later - meaning she’d been right not to call - when Kaisa had actually already managed to diagnose a benign hyperplasia, write her report on it (easily the worst part of her job), and move onto the next slide. It was a couple of short messages in a row, which initially disappointed her, silly as that was. She’d sort of been hoping she’d also get an audio message back so she could at least hear Johanna’s voice. However, when she read it, she immediately decided it was better than a few seconds long recording.

Johanna (ped)

Hi, Kaisa!

Ugh, that’s frustrating to hear, but I’m sure they will understand. Thank you for letting me know, I do prefer to tell them that myself

Also thank you sooo much for checking that out and getting back to me so quickly. I truly appreciate it <3

Are you free this evening? Heard there was an italian place two blocks away and I thought we might try

Well, I might try with you, at least. I’m sure you’ve been around long enough to already have eaten there 😅

Kaisa bit back an embarrassing giggle - even if her microscope would have been her only witness - and down on her bottom lip. She’d finish looking at this slide and then she’d answer, she promised herself. It would be her first time visiting whatever place that was, and she couldn’t be more excited even if she didn’t care about the food. Though she’d never admit to Johanna that the promise of her company was the only thing strong enough to ever get her to leave her hospital-home routine.

…......

The procedure was uneventful the second time around. Not that it didn’t involve a fair bit of whining from the patient’s part, but Kaisa rather thought he was more than justified in it. Like hell she’d have allowed someone who looked like Lloyd to pierce her throat. He was a lot more cooperative than he could have been, and all in all, Edmund had been right (not that she’d ever tell him that). It seemed like Kaisa’s presence really did mean a lot to both him and his father.

Not to blow her own horn, but she kind of could see why. She definitely thought - hoped - she inspired more confidence than bloody Lloyd.

As soon as it was done, Kaisa took the slides to her lab technicians right away. They seemed to take her pleas for speed seriously, given that in almost no time at all she had the samples on top of her microscope’s stage.

No unusual architecture; the cells weren’t arranged in papillae or swirls. No enlarged nuclei, nor were they irregular, pale, or had grooves or pseudoinclusions. She searched every inch of the six slides she’d gotten and there wasn’t a single atypia, psammoma body, giant cell, hobnail cell, or anything else that might give away a papillary carcinoma. There wasn’t anything that might indicate any malignancy, truth be told. All Kaisa saw were clusters - six in her least cellular slide and fifteen in her most cellular one, thank the heavens - of perfectly normal looking cells. That, and a lot of colloid.

She breathed a sigh of relief. It wasn’t usual for her to get attached to cases. But she’d actually seen this patient and it was a child. She’d have been lying if she said she wasn’t hoping to find nothing. That, and she bet Johanna would also be pleased.

Foregoing her usual etiquette of not leaving her lab unless something urgent was going on, Kaisa turned off her microscope and began the path down to the paediatrics clinic. The fact that it was a cyst didn’t erase that it had been big enough to bother the patient, and that there had been small calcifications on the ultrasound. She supposed that could be a remnant of past inflammation on that area; she definitely wouldn’t know, since nobody had given her the patient’s history as per usual (though this time she wouldn’t admit it was Johanna’s fault as preferred to blame the universe for it).

Johanna would probably have to sit down with an endocrinologist to decide which would be the best course of action. Kaisa had heard that ethanol ablation [8] worked well for some of these cases, it would likely be a better option than having the kid undergo surgery. Even if that would mean having to work with Lloyd again for the procedures. Either way, whatever it was, and whatever would need to be done, it wasn’t cancer. And that was reason enough to brave the packed full corridors of the lowermost floor of the hospital to deliver the news herself.

The paediatrics clinic was by far the loudest one in the hospital. Not because of the poor children (though there was a fair bit of crying and screaming going around), but because of parents. Kaisa still remembered with terror her paediatrics rotations from her time in med school. One of them had almost made her cry.

At least the structure was uplifting, seeing as the walls were covered in drawings and all the nurses in that area had white coats embroidered with fun patterns and the doctors had decorations on their stethoscopes. They all looked genuinely alive, which was more than could be said about the workers in any other area of the hospital, really. They had the kindness of palliative care workers and the energy of emergency room physicians; Kaisa couldn’t feel more out of place if she tried.

Luckily, it didn’t take her long until she found the room in which Johanna was consulting. The door was open, so Kaisa could see her give the young girl sitting on stretcher a lollipop, meaning she was probably done there. After five minutes and a couple of words exchanged with the parent (keeping the aspirin bottle where the kid couldn’t reach was of the highest importance, apparently. Kaisa really wanted to know what the story there was), the patient and the adult walked out hand in hand, and Kaisa nodded in acknowledgement to them before walking in.

“Hey, are you free right now?” She asked with just her head stuck inside the office, immediately startling Johanna, who had been rubbing a wet wipe on her stethoscope. Kaisa laughed while the other glared at her half heartedly, and she let herself in.

“Sorry for interrupting you in the middle of your work day, I just thought I should come talk to you personally.”

Johanna hummed, putting away a box filled with flavoured tongue depressors of every colour there was. “You do that a lot.” She remarked.

By then, Kaisa had been leaning her hip against the stretcher, but her balance hadn’t ever been all that so she nearly lost it (along with all her rational thought) when she heard that.

“I- what? I thought I didn’t interrupt all that much. I’m sorry, I’ll avoid-”

Halted by a whip of Johanna’s head in her direction, she blinked when she saw Johanna frowning at her with worry.

“No, dear, you never interrupt me.” She said softly. The endearment did something weird to Kaisa’s insides which she couldn’t really explain. What was an itch in the hypogastric region [9] a symptom of? “I mean you say sorry a lot. And it’s never warranted.”

Kaisa opened her mouth, to say sorry, obviously, but caught herself before she could. Which resulted in the likely pathetic image of her standing there with wide eyes and a hanging mouth. Noticing exactly what had happened, Johanna laughed, stepping closer to her.

“It’s always good to hear from you, Kaisa. Now, what did you want to tell me about?”

Shaking her head (maybe a good waggle of her synovial fluid would do her well. Yes. That made sense), Kaisa tried to remember why she’d come down to the clinics in the first place. Oh yeah. Thyroid cyst.

“You will be pleased to hear that you guys were wrong in your papillary suspicion.” She said and watched a grin spread on Johanna’s face. “No malignant cells in sight, lots of liquid. No clue what you’ll do about the symptoms, but lo and behold-” Kaisa made her silliest dramatic voice. The atmosphere of paediatrics was contagious, apparently. “It’s not cancer.”

“Oh, Kaisa!” Taking her completely by surprise, Johanna threw herself in her arms. She was pretty sure she actually yelped, but at least her reflexes didn’t let her down and she hugged her back instead of just standing there uselessly. Her heart took to beating embarrassingly quickly, and she really hoped Johanna wouldn’t feel it.

“That is such good news! I’ll phone the parents immediately, thank you so much!”

The noise Kaisa made was hopefully a hum of ascent. Heavens knew she couldn’t manage to actually say something as complex as ‘no problem’ at the moment, busy as her brain was just trying to process the scent of apple pie and the warm softness that came with having Johanna so close. So very close. Touching her.

When the woman drew back, it was so that she could look at Kaisa’s face (blushing, no doubt) and she still held her by the elbows. To say that Kaisa felt out of her element was un understatement. She let herself wonder, briefly, if the woman reacted like this to anyone who brought her good news about her patients. She quickly decided she didn’t want to know.

“I really have no words for how grateful I am for your commitment to this case, dear. You did a lot more than you had to.”

Kaisa emitted a sound she wasn’t aware she was capable of, like her airways were constricting around something that wasn’t there. Maybe she was asthmatic and just didn’t know.

“It’s nothing.” And the way Johanna’s face was so close she could see herself in her eyes was making her forget everything else so effectively that it might as well really be nothing. She had to make a herculean effort to focus on what they were talking about. “I’ll write you the report in a couple of minutes. Just thought I should let you know already.”

Humming in delight, Johanna proved her intentions of murdering Kaisa by leaning forward and placing a kiss on her cheek. “It was much appreciated. How can I repay you?”

It was a wonder that Johanna didn’t immediately admit her, because Kaisa was certain she must look like she was going into cardiac arrest. The place where her lips had met her skin tingled, to the point where she was immensely glad that Johanna was still close enough for them to be holding each other’s arms so that Kaisa couldn’t immediately take a hand to her face in disbelief.

There was no chance she was going to be able to answer that question like a normal human being. Her brain had just given her a minus two seconds notice and fucked right off. But Johanna was nothing if not merciful, apparently, and didn’t even let the silence stretch into awkwardness before suggesting something herself.

“I’ll tell you what, Hilda has exams next week so she’ll probably be studying the whole weekend. Since that means I’ll be free, why don’t we go to that park you mentioned the other day? We could both use some fresh air, I bet.”

Kaisa nodded dumbly; that was the extent of her reaction capabilities in that moment. The other doctor just smiled, and they managed to decide they’d settle the details later over the phone. It was all Kaisa could do to put some distance between herself and the paediatrics clinic before allowing herself to fully process what had happened and grin like a lunatic.

Well. It sure would be hard to focus on cells for the rest of the day. As unlikely as that was, she’d found something even more beautiful to fall in love with.

NUMBERED NOTES:

1- Colloid is the stuff that’s inside your thyroid follicles! It’s where the hormones are produced & stored  2- FNA = Fine Needle Aspiration. Basically what Kaisa said earlier, you use a needle to collect some material from the nodule  3- It means ‘cell’, btw! Not sure how common this knowledge is, but someone who went through med school would know it, I promise.  4- When an aspiration slide is hemorrhagic, that means that there is waaay too much blood and not enough of the stuff you actually want the pathologist to see. Means it’s useless, basically :/  5- MRSA stands for multiresistant Staphylococcus aureus! It is a. Very big problem. Hard to kill yk. 6- Meiri isn’t in this fic but if she were she’d remind Kaisa that ticks are NOT bugs. They’re arachnids :) 7- You can’t redo an FNA right away because the thyroid needs time to heal before you poke a needle through it again!  8- ok ok this is actually super interesting so hear me out. You can inject ethanol on benign thyroid cysts and that basically makes it dry out. You have to repeat the procedure maybe once or twice depending on its size, but the thing actually just. Shrinks. Just because you put alcohol in there. How cool is that??  9- This is the best way I found to convey butterflies in your belly when you’re a nerd and avoiding your feelings

[fromtenthousandfeet]

i can get behind your backing of new jeans, but the way you defend min hee jin is funny because that woman is crazy. you hate hybe so much that you think she's absolved of any guilt.

Hi Anon. Thanks for your message. I usually delete these asks, but I decided to answer yours.

I have a few questions for you before I share my own opinions.

Why is she crazy? Can you be more specific? Please don't answer with "she's a pedo, witch, groomer." Do you have clear examples of her craziness? What is she guilty of?

Have you ever worked under or lived with a narcissist? Have you experienced narcissistic abuse? What do you know about the effects of narcissistic abuse?

Why is it important for me to view her as crazy?

Do my opinions about her, BSH, NewJeans, or any of the members of BTS matter? Why is it important for me to agree with ARMYs about her?

You think your assessment of MHJ is correct and I think my view of her is correct. Which one of us is right? What if we're both wrong?

Now for my response. I follow a bunch of blogger on this site who don't like MHJ and criticize her. When I read their comments, I make a choice to either shrug it off and accept that we don't all have to see eye to eye, or in some cases, I just stop following them. I have never sent an anonymous ask questioning their views of her. Like seriously, who cares? We are all entitled to our own opinions. Nothing I say on this platform has any importance or impact whatsoever.

Contrary to popular belief (apparently), I am not some MHJ super fan. I don't have an altar of her set up in my home. There are things I like about her, though.

I enjoy her taste in music. You can see her playlists on her IG account. I like that she sources songs from up and coming indie women songwriters like Erika de Casier and Benee. I like that her creative directors are a woman and an openly out gay man. That's basically unheard of in highly misogynistic and homophobic SK. I like that the members of NJ aren't emaciated. I like that they're dressed like teenagers/young adults instead of Lolitas meant to appeal to middle-aged men. I like that she wants to change the K-pop industry, because it desperately needs an overhaul.

As for Bang Si Hyuk. I don't hate him as much as he saddens me. It's hard to watch him piss away all the money BTS made over the years. And now he's pissing away their creative legacy with his weird obsession with Western validation. To be honest, watching BSH move is like watching a Greek tragedy. Maybe he started out as a hero (yeah, no), but along the way he became blinded by hubris, ego, and greed. Sadly, he has the potential to bring down many other with him if he falls and fails.

Finally, all I want is for the members of BTS to be free. I want them to make the music they want to make, together and/or solo. I want them to have the freedom to live normal lives, speak their minds, have relationships, and so on and so on. I REALLY want Jimin out of the company, because they have never treated him fairly or equally, and they never will as long as BSH is at the helm.

Keeping tabs on HYBE is a diversion for me and blogging about what's going on is a hobby. That's as far as I take it. For entertainment purposes, I'm really looking forward to season 2 of BSH vs. MHJ! Let the battle continue! The NJ girls are likely days away from terminating their contracts with HYBE. Now everyone - Tokkis and ARMYs alike - should be happy.

I shared this article about MHJ a few months ago. I'm not sure if anyone read it or not, but it's really good. The interview with her took place before all the drama began and it's so interesting to read her thoughts on the industry. For those of you who don't want to read it, here's what she said about BTS:

Some BTS fans want to compare how well one member’s album does over another member’s. BTS is a group that’s been around for 10 years now. They did their duty, basically. So I think it’s time to focus less on the stats and just enjoy their music—[let them] do what they want to do. 

What she said about working with Taehyung was really nice, too. Anyway, here's the article again. Basically, she and BSH are polar opposites when it comes to their approach to music and the industry. For the life of me, I can't get this article to embed. Sorry.

https://www.fastcompany.com/91113146/k-pops-leading-company-has-declared-war-on-itself-this-never-seen-interview-profiles-the-creative-legend-at-the-center-of-it

P.S. One last thing on this already too-long post. I believe the parallels between MHJ and Jimin are strong. They're both super creative and have high standards. They're also both at the center of BSH's ire for being successful without him. MHJ's so-called crazy outbursts and press conferences are in line with someone who is new to gaslighting and narcissistic abuse. She was also a full grown adult when it started. BTW, gaslighting DOES make you crazy. I know first hand. Jimin's response to the years of mistreatment - pulling away, keeping a low profile, operating in self-preservation mode - is also indicative of someone who has been on the receiving end for a long time and from an early age. That's my armchair psychiatrist's take on things.

[ultravioletqueen]

¿Alquien conoce a alouqua? La primera y olvidada hija de lilith/Do you know about alouqua? Lilith's first and forgoten offspring

(My design for her)

I started researching lilims and found that apparently Lilith had a daughter named Alouqua who was her first daughter and the mother of vampires. Alouqua is described as a female spirit that makes men commit suicide and that is why they call her "the murderer of men."

Outside of that I couldn't find anything else, I don't even know who Alouqua's father is, although I found theories of who it could be, the most popular are Lucifer or Asmodeus.

But now I want to add my theories that could be interesting for possible "what if's", my theory is that Aloqua is the daughter of Adam and Lilith.

and here comes my what if!

Aloqua is raised by Adam and the Angels: This is my favorite, not only because it explores the more human side of Adam but also gives us a different perspective on Lilith from someone who does not remember her fondly and who has a vision of the toughest world (no offense Charlie), I am that part of the fandom that believes that Adam loves his children and Alouqua would be no exception, she is his first daughter and he would not let her mother's rebellion lead her to be banished Hell, he wouldn't want that for his girl, so it would take a lot of convincing on Adam's part to let him raise his daughter with his new wife eve. In this case, the only memory that Alouqua has of his mother is of her being banished to hell, which her young mind would misinterpret as Lilith abandoning her for Lucifer.

Alouqua would grow up with the idea that Lilith did not love her, and when she found out about Charlie's existence it would be a confirmation for her that for Lilith Alouqua was not important and was replaceable, this makes Alouqua despise demons and everything that have to do with them, since again they are the reason why her mother left her.

Her relationship with Adam is surprisingly good! Adam loves Alouqua and would do anything to avoid problems for her, which is why at first he wouldn't like the idea of ​​her wanting to join the exorcists, he wouldn't want his daughter to get hurt, but all it takes is a little convincing and training over the years so that she accepts when alouqua is an adult.

Alouqua is a woman with a strong character, who does not take shit from anyone and is generally the opposite of Charlie in personality, Aloqua is pessimistic, cold and only cares about her father, eve and her siblings (both biological and exorcist sisters).

Her interactions with Charlie would be very interesting too! I imagine that at first Charlie would be DISGUSTED at the idea that Adam and Lilith had sex🤣but in more general and serious terms Alouqua would be furious to see Charlie, as I said before for Alouqua she thinks that Lilith replaced her with Charlie and that's why she couldn't stand it to even see her.

If Charlie tries to talk to her about her redemption project, Alouqua will probably react the same as Adam and laugh in her face. It would also include a reprise of Hell Is Forever where Alouqua refers to Charlie as her replacement as Lilith's daughter.

Knowing Charlie, I don't think she hates Alouqua,she would see her as a person who is self-conscious and insecure because of Lilith's absence. She would even confront Lucifer about whether he knew about Alouqua. In general terms, Alouqua hates Charlie because she sees her as her replacement and Charlie feel sorry for Alouqua.

With Lilith being absent from Alouqua's life, it is most likely that eve raised her with adam during the time Lilith was away, so I can imagine that she has another reason to hate Lilith and Lucifer, since they offered her the apple to Eve and lost a mother AGAIN.

Aaaaaahhh I finally ran out of ideas, I'm happy to get this off my chest, soon I'll write something from another fandom that I recently became obsessed with and maybe post some art, until then see you and good night😘

(Español)

Me puse a investigar sobre los lilims y me encontré con que aparentemente lilith tuvo una hija llamada alouqua que fue su primera hija y la madre de los vampiros,alouqua es descrita como un espíritu femenino que hace que los hombres se suiciden y por eso la llaman "la asesina de hombres".

Fuera de eso no pude encontrar nada más,ni siquiera se quien es el padre de alouqua,aunque me encontré con teorías de quien podría ser,los más populares son lucifer o asmodeo.

Pero ahora quiero agregar mis teoría que podría ser interesante para posibles "what if's",mi teoría es que aloqua es hija de adán y lilith.

¡y aquí entra mi what if!

aloqua es criada por adan y los ángeles: esta es mi favorita,no solo porque explora el lado más humano de adán sino que también nos da una perspectiva diferente de lilith por parte de alguien que no la recuerda con cariño y que tiene una visión del mundo más dura(sin ofender charlie),soy esa parte del fandom que cree en que adan ama a sus hijos y alouqua no sería la excepción,se trata de su primera hija y no dejaría que la rebeldía de su madre la llevase a ser desterrada al infierno,no querría eso para su niña,por lo que tomaría mucho convencimiento por parte de adan para que le dejasen criar a su hija junto a su nueva esposa Eva,en este caso el único recuerdo que tiene alouqua de su madre es de ella siendo desterrada al infierno,lo que su mente joven malinterpretaria como que lilith la abandono por lucifer.

Alouqua crecería con la idea de que lilith no la amaba,y cuando se enterase de la existencia de charlie sería una confirmación para ella de que para lilith alouqua no era importante y era reemplazable,esto hace que alouqua desprecie a los demonios y todo lo que tenga que ver con estos,ya que otra vez ellos son la razón por la que su madre la dejo.

¡Su relación con adan es sorprendentemente buena! Adan ama a alouqua y haría lo que fuera para evitarle problemas,razón por la que en un inicio no le gustaría la idea de que ella quiera unirse a los exorcistas,no querría que su hija se lastime, pero solo basta un poco de convencimiento y entrenamientos con los años para que acepte cuando alouqua es una adulta.

Alouqua es una mujer de carácter fuerte,que no toma mierda de nadie y en general es todo lo contrario a charlie en personalidad,aloqua es pesimista,fría y solo se preocupa por su padre,eva y sus hermanos(tanto biológicos como hermanas exorcistas).

¡sus interacciones con charlie serian muy interesantes también! Me imagino que un inicio charlie estaria ASQUEADA ante la idea de que adan y lilith tuvieron sexo🤣pero en planos más generales y serios alouqua estaria furiosa al ver a charlie,como dije antes para alouqua lilith la reemplazo con charlie y por eso no podría aguantar el siquiera verla.

Si charlie trata de hablarle de su proyecto de redención probablemente alouqua reacciona igual que adan y se le ríe en la cara,también incluiría un reprise de hell is forever donde alouqua se refiere a charlie como su reemplazo como hija de lilith.

Conociendo a charlie no creo que odie a alouqua, la vería como una persona acomplejada e insegura por la ausencia de lilith,incluso confrontaria a lucifer sobre si sabía sobre alouqua, en términos generales alouqua odia a charlie porque la ve como su reemplazo en la vida de lilith y charlie siente lastima por alouqua.

Al lilith estar ausente en la vida de alouqua lo más probable es que Eva la crio junto a adan el tiempo que lilith estuvo fuera,por lo que me puedo imaginar que tiene otra razón para odiar a lilith y a lucifer,ya que ellos le ofrecieron la manzana a Eva y perdió una madre OTRA VEZ, por lo que su odio no solo se extiende a lilith sino a los morningstar en si.

Aaaaaahhh finalmente me quede sin ideas,me satisface sacar esto de mi pecho,pronto escribiré algo de otro fandom con el que me obsesione hace poco y quizás publique algo de arte,hasta entonces nos vemos y buenas noches😘

[trashlie]

Alyssa Cho: Sexuality and Fitting In

It’s been six months since we finished the Shinlyssa Flashback arc, can you believe that? And it’s taken me all these months to finally start putting together this post lol. 

During the flashback arc, one of the hotly contested theories was: Did Alyssa have a crush on Shinae? It’s easy to think we’re reading into things, especially in a story like ILY where we can’t always, in the moment, see something for what it is, or rather what it will become. It’s easy to overthink things, and sometimes we get focused on things that are red herrings. But, in this case, I think it’s not far from the truth at all. In fact, I think the possibility of Alyssa’s sexuality is a part of why she is so desperate to fit in at all. Especially in middle school, society isn’t always kind to lgbtq folks, and there’s a couple hints that it might be something her family is against, as well. 

Now I want to make it clear from the start: I don’t think we can specifically speculate on what Alyssa’s sexuality is, firstly because there’s a good chance even she isn’t sure and secondly because sexuality is certainly a part of a spectrum and it isn’t something that necessarily stays unwavering. I will also up front state that while my suspicions are that Alyssa leans more towards lesbian, that doesn’t negate the possibility of bi/pan/something less specific. But what I DO want to speculate is how her relationship with her possible sexuality, and thus her relationship with Shinae, heavily factors into her need to conform and fit in. 

I think the beginning of the flashback arc is where we see Alyssa at her happiest, and perhaps her most honest. She has a great time in math club with Alyssa, the teacher gets her excited about the math competitions and the chance to prove herself. But it also is where everything starts to go downhill. 

It doesn’t really need reiterated, because the story has made it very clear, but Alyssa is very driven by attention and praise. But I don’t think it’s blind praise she wants, because she often refutes it from Alyssa. It’s not anything special to her that she can play instruments because anyone can do that; writing music though? That’s special. Alyssa talks about wanting to be liked and popular, but what I suspect she really want is acceptance for who she is, and she quickly learns that it won’t be found here unless she starts faking it. 

She’s an intellectual girl, advanced beyond probably most of her peers, who has no favor for kpop and much prefers the classics, is heavily invested in STEM with a favor for bio engineering. It’s made immediately apparent to her that all of her interests will make her a target. It’s not simply that she won’t fit in - it’s that she sticks out in a way that will make people think her weird and outcast her, and it’s really clear that being ostracized is something she fears. I think it’s important to emphasize that this is a fear; it’s not simply being a preteen and wanting to be liked because you don’t know how to be alone but a fear that drives her to do really rash things and lash out. This fear is compounded by her anxiety. When confronted about the missing science project, when it gets out of her hand before she has a chance to stop it, when confrontation comes to a head, Alyssa goes home, feeling sick and miserable. 

She simply could not handle the confrontation or the ramifications it yielded. 

For Alyssa, fitting in a necessity. 

Early in, Alyssa admits to Shinae that she begged her parents to let her go to public school because she wanted to make friends her own age. I imagine she must have been lonely. I don’t think she was homeschooled with other kids - just her sister, and from the sounds of it, she probably didn’t have friends in her dance lessons. I’m willing to bet they were personal, one-on-one lessons, or else maybe she would have been more focused on making friends with the kids in her class rather than dancing? As it is, dance sounds like it was a passing interest of hers that she didn’t really come to love but was stuck continuing, because the alternative was to tell her parents and that doesn’t seem something she’s capable of. But she also admits to Shinae that she has seen what happens to kids who are outcast and ostracized. She doesn’t want that; it goes against the whole reason she came to public school! Why would she endure that if she could just go back to homeschooling and her loneliness?

Another thing Alyssa notes, though, is this. 

It doesn’t seem like much, in the moment. Alyssa has already talked about how overbearing her parents are, how she expresses interest in something and they shower in it, even it was just a fleeting idea. She seems to feel overwhelmed by them and wants an escape from them, lest they take another thing that interests her and put her through it in a way that makes her lose any fancy she possessed for it. 

But it’s a mantra that comes up again, later. 

For a while during the flashback, I waffled a lot on Alyssa’s sexuality. Was it, I wondered, just a red herring, meant to make us THINK Alyssa had a crush, but it was really more about her internal conflict with her feelings about hurting Shinae and trying to do what she wants? Alyssa (much like Nol does) struggled a lot with her relationship with Shinae vs what she wanted more than anything. She tried to make it worked - tried to find a way to be both Shinae’s friend AND to be popular and well-liked, and when it miserably back-fired on her, she made a choice. 

It was here, though, that I began believe that yes, Alyssa probably did have a crush on Shinae, that Alyssa may, in fact, like girls. 

Alyssa has a secret so deep that she doesn’t want anyone to know, not even Shinae. (Also, note the way she says she didn’t want anyone to find out, not even you, as if maybe, Shinae could have been separate person, who maybe she could tell her OTHER secrets to, if they ever got so far.) She especially doesn’t want the teachers involved, because that will get her parents involved - and they won’t be happy, because they’ll ask things and they won’t like what she has to say. That is, the truth was something that would upset them. 

It’s really important, too, to reiterate that Alyssa’s home life is far from perfect, too. We’ve seen just enough to start to wonder about them. Alyssa’s response to her dad was the most telling - the way she completely changed her whole personality and mood in response to him coming home speaks volumes. 

Shinae doesn’t seem to register what she overheard, but the jagged speech bubbles suggest yelling, Meg and her dad probably arguing loudly. We don’t see anything, so it’s hard to completely read the body language - is Meg just covering hear ear because her father is yelling? Is she holding her hand up because he slapped the side of her face? 

Moreso, when Shinae asks if everything is good at home, and finally brings up the complete 180 change of Alyssa’s, she lashes out again. 

Hiding an angry, controlling, potentially abusive father is probably first nature to Alyssa. She’s learning - she knows what kinds of things will ostracize you, what will make you weird to the others. Isn’t it better to not let them see that side of you? But honestly, further? It reads even more like she’s just not allowed to bring kids around, period, because of him. When Shinae called to check up on Alyssa after checking on her, she asked if she could go over and visit Alyssa again, and her mom told her that she couldn’t. Whether her dad is actually strict about people coming over or Alyssa is just using it as a line to not allow anyone else (and frankly, it feels more like the latter, since she’s still feeling out what is “normal”), the point is: they’re hiding something. 

So Alyssa has a secret she’s so desperate to keep, that she absolutely does not want anyone, not even Shinae, and especially not her parents to find out. 

The other thing that made me start to feel more confidently about this possibility was the language used by the boys bullying Alyssa. It’s language that is very pointedly anti-gay. 

It’s not just simple bullying - it’s not (completely) about the stolen project, it’s not about who she hangs out with or her socio-economic status or who her paents are, or anything like Shinae is bullied for. 

“You’re really cute, you know that? Such a shame it’s going to waste though... Nasty.” 

What else could they mean by “going to waste” if not that it’s a shame that she, a cute girl, would never date them/some guy, that it’s “wasted” on her going “against the natural order of things” or something equally gross. 

“You know they say people like you have brains that are damaged, right? That’s why you’re the way you are.” 

Homosexuality being written off as a mental illness, as something wrong with the brain, as something that can be converted out of them, as though it’s a defect still remains an argument even in this day and age. Anti-gay hate speech still tries to convince queer folk and especially those who hate or fear them that there is something wrong with them, that they’re defective, that it goes against all that is natural (a man should only lie with a woman). 

These boys are echoing explicit hate speech, and I think it must be tied to the notes in Alyssa’s locker. If they were the same things Shinae is being bullied for, why would she refused so adamantly to tell her about it? If they were bullying her about the same thing, wouldn’t she maybe instead just blame Shinae? But instead, she doubles down on it, because this thing, this thing she’s hiding that she doesn’t want anyone to know about, would ruin everything. Her parents would hate her, and if she were forced to tell them the truth about it, perhaps she’d face even worse consequences with her family. 

Alyssa reiterates that she just wanted to be liked and to fit in. And now, there’s no easy way out of her current situation. She’s conflicted about the choice she has to make. She doesn’t tell Shinae what she’s conflicted about - but I think it’s pretty easy to guess what it is. 

Alyssa’s conflict is: does she remain friends with Shinae who has been nice to her and has treated her so well and probably made her feel special, but also whose relationship has brought Alyssa strife and made others think she might be a weirdo thief in association; or does she do what she set out to and forsake Shinae in favor of the other kids’ approval, to fit in and blend in just the way she wanted? 

We know what choice she made, but despite how things go, I don’t think it was the easiest choice, either. When Shinae calls out Alyssa on things like ignoring her, Alyssa deflects, though not well, and she looks nervous or anxious. When the awful girls are messing with Shinae’s belongings, Alyssa (unsuccessfully) tries to stop them. The whole altercation leading up to Alyssa recoiling and accidentally pushing Shinae out the window seems very much like a battle for Alyssa of what she wants and what she knows is right. 

Shinae had a big impact on Alyssa! She was Alyssa’s first friend, and probably one of the only real, true friends she ever had. Shinae liked Alyssa completely for who she was - for her love for math and science, for her cool trips to cool exhibits, for her ability to play so many instruments. The things that made Alyssa weird to people, Shinae accepted her for. Most importantly, Shinae was a bright beam in her life. She was radiant and seemed so confident and strong and tough - things that Alyssa admired but did not herself possess. 

Sure, it could have just been admiration. After all, when Alyssa began blushing with Shinae, it came off the back of compliments, right? 

Alyssa seems so taken aback by Shinae’s very earnest compliment, by the idea of impressing someone with one of her skills, with the idea of being able to play something for her. But if it was simply about compliments, wouldn’t all compliments make her flush? 

Minhyuk’s compliment doesn’t get much of a reaction from Alyssa. If anyone, she looks a little wary, a little put on the spot. But when Shinae backs him up and reiterates it, she’s back to being flustered, mumbling something Shinae doesn’t catch. 

Something I think is worth mentioning is that quimchee definitely differentiates these kinds of reactions. Blushes are colored red and usually use the lines, but there’s a LOT more cases of the lines being used without a blush. I’ve always thought of that as being flustered - similar to when you embarrass, but perhaps not to the same degree. 

We’ve seen it many times between Shinae with Dieter (compared to Dieter very often going red with the lines). We saw it when Shinae pointed out that Nol’s face had healed by getting very close to him and he got flustered, and even far earlier in the story, when Shinae ran into him in the Hirahara Corp. lobby and he fell out of the chair he was spinning in. 

We even see a small version of the lines on Shinae’s face when she watches Minhyuk at taekwondo and she finds him really cool. 

Now, I’m not trying to say red blush = romantic feelings, although I do think they tend to trend that way. I just want to reiterate that when the red color enters, it feels like more of a flush, a deeply blushing, than just flustered. Blushing can be embarrassment - but we also see it often with the lines (see Nol) or sometimes a sweatdrop. Perhaps quimchee does have a more specific set of rules about this that we’ll one day hear about, but it’s something I try to keep in mind. 

That said, Alyssa blushing A LOT in a black and white flashback where her sexuality has come in to play feels very, very pointed. The flashback has selective color, so Alyssa’s flush stands out. I think it’s meant to. I think we’re meant to infer this. 

Her blushing isn’t simply limited to Shinae praising her, either. 

When Alyssa finds out Shinae was bullied at her old school, she apologizes, and tells her she never would have guessed, asks how she can be so strong. Shinae is nothing but honest, but it’s her brilliant smile that sways Alyssa. 

I think there’s something even more specific about this blush, too. The close up on her face, how we don’t see it all, her eyes withheld, her mouth quivering. Alyssa is so affected by this. It’s not Shinae paying her compliments or praising her. It’s Shinae. Her warmth and radiance and strength and positivity and the way she just shines. 

And that smile GETS to Alyssa!

Alyssa can’t run away this time, so she looks away, but the blush still happens. Shinae’s smile just seems to be so disarming to Alyssa! 

For a while, when I was trying to decide if I thought this was a crush or a red herring, I considered: maybe every time Shinae is so bright and positive, she feels bad because she’s lying to Shinae. She feels bad because she knows Shinae is a better friend than she is. And sure, I suppose that could be. Alyssa doesn’t like when she looks like she’s in the wrong. But given the context of the explicit things the boys said, the bullying that Alyssa wouldn’t open up about, the thing that she absolutely adamantly does not want anyone to know about, that she can’t speak of? 

It feels like it’s exactly what it looks like: Alyssa has a crush on the nice, tough, confident, weird, boisterous girl who is so nice to her and sees something in her. 

Alyssa is so affected by Shinae’s concern, by her expression of actual care. Telling her she misses her, going all the way to her place to check on her, her relief that she’s okay. Alyssa is so touched by the effort Shinae puts forth, so moved to be on the receiving end of it. She just can’t reconcile herself with it. 

Because Shinae represents the thing Alyssa is hiding, that she wants to run away from. She knows the other students think Shinae is weird, and that association with her only pulls down her own reputation. She’s in conflict over what she wants (popularity, so many friends, people to like her to) vs what her heart wants - Shinae’s affection and unabashed confidence and the way she looks in Shinae’s eyes. 

But she can’t admit this to herself. She can’t let her heart, her feelings, rule this conflict. 

I think Shinae hit the nail right on the head - just not in a way she realizes. I think Alyssa IS lying to herself. I think she IS in denial. I think her sexuality is something she’s yet to reconcile, that at this point in time she cannot make peace with. Because people think it’s weird, because they think it’s unnatural, because it’s “wrong”, because they think people like her perverts are monsters. There’s a part of her that she recognizes is not “normal”, in that it doesn’t suit the status quo, what society generally believes to be true, so she hides it. She stuffs it deep down and tries to repress it, to pretend it’s not there, pretend that’s not her, pretend she’s the very picture of “normal” middle school girl. 

She pretends to like the things other “normal” kids do. She starts to feel uncomfortable about the things she DOES like. She’s not embarrassed about math club - she’s just self-conscious. Because being weird makes you stick out. It makes people look differently at you. If you’re “weird” enough, it makes them bully you, ostracize you. 

Alyssa is so lonely and she just wants to fill that void. She thinks fitting in will make it better. She thinks fitting in will protect her. Look how quickly the bully girls change their beliefs about Alyssa, as soon as she pushes all suspicion from her. No longer is she the weird one, suddenly they wall want to be her friend, they think she’s so cool. Just like that. 

Fitting in will afford her protection, because if she’s “normal” enough, no one will suspect her, no one will find her weird, and no one will find out about her darkest secret. It will keep her safe. 

Obviously, this is a naïve belief. Especially in middle school, kids will turn on you for whatever reason. Alyssa is clearly rich, eager to please, and wants to fit in. She’s sold one project and suddenly kids wanted her to do all their work, to benefit from her. It wasn’t real friendship - they just liked her for what she could do to them. But Alyssa is convinced that popularity - that being surrounded by people, by being liked, will protect her. She’ll fit in. She’ll have friends. That aching loneliness that has eaten her up won’t be a problem.

Except none of it is real. The real friendship was Shinae. Shinae was the one who liked her for who she is, not just what she can do for her. Shinae was the one she didn’t have to fake it for, who saw her at her worst and still tried to be her friend. It was the price she paid to protect herself, and her secret. 

But for Alyssa, who may see a part of herself as “wrong” because it won’t be accepted, who is so lonely and just wanted to be liked and to make friends, maybe she hopes that being liked will make up for that “wrongness”. Maybe, if enough people like her, it will make her feel loved in the way she wants, but won’t allow. If she thinks something is wrong with her, couldn’t the love and adoration of the masses, make her feel like it’s not true, cover it up, make it feel like it doesn’t matter? 

I think even now, in the present, it’s possible that Alyssa’s sexuality may be a thing she hasn’t reconciled with. Is she still hiding from it? Is she still fighting to be seen as “normal”? Who was she, before Yui made an idol of her, when she was friends with Nol, Dieter, and Soushi. Did she crave that faux normalcy even then? 

I’ve considered, too, that perhaps Nol provides another benefit he’s unaware of. Again, as I’ve said, we can only speculate on Alyssa’s sexuality, so it doesn’t rule out that she could also like men. But could it be that Nol provides her the protection that she needn’t deal with her sexuality? She has a boyfriend, case closed. It doesn’t matter then, who she’s interested in. It doesn’t matter, because who is going to question anything? 

(Also, tangential, but fake-dating someone who so-very-much resembles young Shinae, with that bright, radiant smile that had a way of always undoing Alyssa? Listen. You can’t tell me that’s a coincidence. Even if she’s never had feelings for Nol, I still think she was drawn to him because of how Yeonggi reminded her of Shinae, how he was like an echo of the only real friendship she’d had, and I think that was a big part of the draw. Shinae had such an impact on her that years later, she was shaken to her core by someone whose smile was just as radiant as hers.) 

I don’t think this is the last we’ve seen of Alyssa’s sexuality, either. It wouldn’t have been repeated so many episodes if not. I always thought that Alyssa’s career will fail at some point, because the whole point of her character is that she is constantly trying to chase love and affection in places she won’t find it, and her fans’ love for her is only conditional. It used to be I thought that bullying allegations would arise and that would cause her call. Claims that Alyssa was involved with a girl who got pushed out of her school window, that she turned on her. It’s so easy to take the truth and twist it up a little. Shinae saw her first bully again when she was buying comics. Who’s to say Sarah Lee won’t show up again to bring down Alyssa. As a former trainee, wouldn’t Sarah have the most jealousy towards Alyssa? But now I do worry that it could be rumors of her sexuality that could be her undoing. After all, how did the boys targeting Alyssa know what they did? Where did they glean the information they used against her? 

I know Alyssa isn’t a popular character with a lot of the choices she has made. But I do think it’s worth acknowledging how her potential sexuality ties into those choices she made, and the kind of pressure she felt to fit in, to be seen as “normal”. A lonely girl who wanted nothing more than to have lots of friends, who probably felt so empty despite her parents’ overbearing interest in her, but who also knew that there was something about her that is considered Not Right, and that it was something that could threaten the very thing she covets - being adored. Idk, I think in that context, her choices make sense. They’re still selfish, she still can’t face conflict, she still doesn’t get that being loved is not about a role but who you are. But I think if she could feel that part of her accepted, if she didn’t fear what her parents would think, if she knew she’d be supported no matter what, maybe she wouldn’t have made those choices. 

Like everyone in ILY, Alyssa has to contend with who she really is and she really wants. Now that she’s an idol, she’s come to realize that even this love is conditional. That it doesn’t fill that lonely void, that it doesn’t replace whatever it is she’s seeking - it just makes it worse. 

[five-nights-at-whoopees]

Meet the Characters: Part 3

so, due to apparent popular demand- i am going to be writing about the security guard next! i did place this up to poll, and i genuinely wasn't expecting Heidi Weinerman to win but here we are- i do plan on setting this up differently because if i get myself burnt out from my own fixations, i might actually cry so,

Heidi was honestly chosen because I thought she had the most connection to our boys; and yes, Nomi is still there (also to clarify right now, he is not nomirandy- he's the Nomicon but i decide to be self indulgent that's it)

I will say this, she does not get to have a good time- even if she isn't directly tied to the missing five incident

General Background;

Heidi is still the oldest of the Weinerham siblings- they have roughly two years of age difference in this universe because I said so. Of course, due to this the relationship between her and Howard is a little bit strained but overall, it could be worse. I honestly headcanon Heidi to be born somewhere in summer or fall, but we'll get right to the point- there is no favoritism in the Weinerham family, not a single bit. Mort is not that kind of parent and specifically for this universe, he is divorced! He values both his children equally, but of course Mort is a busy man and he still had to leave Heidi to care for her younger brother

Things at first, they were fairly normal. Heidi was fine helping out around the house, though somewhere around the time Howard turned three- a new addition was made to the family so to speak. Mort Weinerman and one of the neighbors, Ayumi, had arranged a playdate between their two sons: Howard and Randy. Almost immediately, the boys had it hit off and Heidi honestly felt glad that her brother could make friends this way. It wasn't uncommon to see Randy over at the Weinerman household (Heidi could never fully remember his name but oh well, if it made Howard happy-)

As the years passed, Heidi discovered her love for media- doing mostly home videos before ShoobTube truly kicked off in popularity. Her family had always been modest with their money, and Heidi certainly didn’t ask for much. She tended to film using an older camera (if anyone’s genuinely curious, i can share the model of the camera later!) and would do narration videos!

Though it was on Randy’s eighth birthday party that everything fell apart- Heidi was only ten but she was far from dumb and seeing Howard’s panic when no one could find Randy was heartbreaking (she still remembers when the police showed up, talking to the guests and trying to make sense on how multiple kids had suddenly gone missing) After that, Heidi found herself in a strained rivalry with her brother- more so than before and she couldn’t blame him. Randy had been a constant in their lives, except now he was gone and Heidi didn’t know what to think

As the years passed, Heidi continued using media and film- becoming one of the most watched people on ShoobTube within her high school. She began doing other forms of content: viral videos, ‘exclusive’ interviews, gossip received from students. It wasn’t out of the ordinary, and it was what led her to going to college for Media Production but with still trying to find a good agency to work for and deciding she needed something to do with her time- well, things certainly got interesting

… and we get to the present

Current Information;

Heidi is currently 28 (which makes Howard about 25/26-); despite still having a presence on ShoobTube- she was hoping to do more with her life, but it was proving a lot harder than it needed to be. Nothing would have prepared her for choosing to be a security guard at Whoopee World- it had been an ad on a streaming site and the next thing, an idea formed in her head. Perhaps it might never work but if she didn’t, no one would

She might be able to get answers; make sense of the missing children case from nearly thirty years ago, and well- she felt she owed it to Howard and to Randy, and let Norrisville rest after the devastation. Heidi was quick to make an appointment for an interview and strangely enough, she got it almost right on the spot. This would be easy; simply make it through the week, gather as much information as she could and if need be- work for a little longer, if it meant putting an end to this entire mess

Nothing prepared her for the strange call she got on the first night- Heidi blinked, not understand as the warning of the animatronics’ free-roaming mechanism. She was even more startled when it claimed that the animatronics wandered, that they would attempt to stuff her into a suit… but she pushed through and things got even weirder

Was she dreaming? It had almost sounded like a cry, a child’s scream but it couldn’t have been- and that was made her come back. Heidi had no idea what she was getting herself into, what this would unravel in the end but of course, nothing was ever that simple

Heidi Weinerman was going to solve the mystery. No matter what

Headcanons;

🎬 Heidi is ADHD. She has a fixation on media and film, and hopes one day to become a professional producer but for now- she has a job as the security guard at Whoopee World

🎬 Heidi is feisty- she stops at nothing to get what she wants, but even then she is very protective of those she cares about! She has intervened when Howard was being bullied in high school, and is too stubborn to quit when attempting to uncover the truth

🎬 She tends to keep her hair loose or in a ponytail

🎬 Heidi isn’t one to fully believe in the paranormal (but she also has heard the wails- the weird childlike screams; to ‘save them’ and she’s begun to question)

🎬 She is friends with Debbie Kang in present times. Heidi and Debbie weren’t fully close during their high school years but at the same time, similar interests call for friendships! They are both equally as determined for the truth

🎬 The relationship she has with her brother strengthened once more in adulthood, but they both lead different lives

🎬 Heidi doesn’t have dreams of the incident like some of the others do- (at least not in the current moment)

There will be more to come soon! I hope you enjoyed this because ohhh I am just getting started- stay safe, everyone and happy Pride!

[the-sour-patch-crew]

It's always fascinating finding out people have us blocked that we have never interacted with. Overall, I like to think we've never been antagonistic towards anyone in tags. Never attacked anyone. Never harassed. We've been very civil, even in our disagreements (that I recall at least). We have a few side blogs, and not many people have the main account blocked, so I always find out only after I go to make a comment and then see what accounts are greyed out. Silly little bonus feature of side blogs.

So

Is it because we sometimes have syscourse?

Is it because we are endogenic or identity as mixed origin?

Is it because we support all forms of plurality?

It's an amusing game. People may block for so many reasons, but those are the three main things we can think of. It's particularly amusing when people love or agree with things on our side blog but apparently hate this account. Extra funny.

If it's because people think we are toxic or out to get systems and corrupt singlets and poison traumagenic systems, then I feel quite awful for someone living in such a fearful and distorted outlook on life and others. Well, if that was the case, then why is our popular side blog not blocked? That blog is all of those things and very loud about it. But also, my partner is a DID system. I am very, very aware that multiplicity is not a silly little game. To say I spread misinformation and am bad for CDD systems blows my mind when I spend every day supporting one. What happens on Tumblr is pointless at the end of the day because what *really* matters is the support and understanding I give to them. We are a living example of how STUPID syscourse is between endogenic and traumagenic systems. Get the fuck off of social media and actually spend time supporting eachother instead of fighting.

Oh! Mayhaps it's our age. It's always interesting when it's our age. I promise we are not creeps and are quite safe to be around. Siblings, work, friends, and online communities have made me very aware of what is appropriate and how to coexist amongst a wide age range of people. I wanted to be a teacher once, and still would love to be an elementary art teacher. I promise I don't bite.

Maybe it's our fictives. I know some people cannot stand their sources or them as individuals. Which again is quite sad. Ashe and Alastor are both amazing people. I dont think I've met a single person who didn't like Ashe once they got talking with her (minus like two assholes that were ultimately voted as assholes by the entire server lol). I point her out because she's been here the longest and I owe her a lot so yeah I kinda play favorites a bit. Because I honestly love her. I say this with all the love for Al and the newest member. They aren't hurt by me saying that. They get it. Honestly, I don't think Al cares enough to be offended.

Maybe it's because I'm a furry. People always hate on furries. But that's okay. People hate on anyone who is different from them. Its why the furry, queer, and alterhuman community are so tight-knit. I'm just a silly fox in the end.

Is it because I'm critical of behavior and use of terms by people who kff or are transid? Is it because I'm thiiiiis close to being that "awful" trans guy that would still classify himself as a lesbian if only I could stop shifting gender representation every few years?

Is it because I'm working through trauma and people think that suddenly makes me being endogenic a lie? Is that the proof that people need to hate me? You hate systems with trauma and you hate systems without it. There's no winning.

Is it because I promote daemonism? *GASPS*

I'm not mad at being blocked. The internet hates and blocks people for so many reasons. I block a specific group of people every time we see them in the tags. I do it because I TRY to live by the motto if I have nothing nice to say I shouldn't say it at all. I also apply this to thoughts. If I see posts that constantly make me think shitty things about people and they aren't actively harming me or the people I care for, I block them. Because placing that into the universe is kinda fucked, even if they never would know about it.

I don't NEED people to like me. But I'll admit it's been a HUGE hurdle in my life. Trying to not care about what others think about me has always been a major issue growing up. I think everyone and anyone can relate to that. There's a saying I try and keep to and its how I'm going to end this post. [GRANTED this post has been an intoxicated, headache fueled rant at 2 in the morning. We all know how things get around 2 and 3. That's when shit gets fun (no it really doesn't I just want to sleep please) ]