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Saw an anon vent ask thing. To be clear it was a personal take and I hold no grudges against them or their feelings. Because on some levels I get it.
But it got me thinking. Yeah, I wasn't supposed to be like this. My plurality was endogenic and likely would remain endogenic if I hadn't gone through years of trauma as an adult.
At least, that's what I assume. Since living with my partner I've been unmasking and dealing with a lot of mental health and neurodivergancy stuff. No more masking. Just, existing and because of letting myself exist without masking things have been getting worse just as much as they have been getting better. So. Idk. Maybe my plurality would have shifted into full on osdd even without the very obvious trauma. Maybe the less obvious stuff would have been enough. Who knows. So I'll just go off the assumption I was meant to only experience endogenic plurality and not CDD multiplicity.
But. I'm not ashamed that my plurality shifted. I'm not upset that I have a CDD. I'm upset I let myself get stuck into years of trauma. I'm upset I let myself get hurt. I'm upset at the person who caused it. But I'm not upset at the CDD itself. No one is *suppose* to experience trauma. No one wants that. But hey, what I ended up with isn't what I'm ashamed about. I never will be. My body did what it needed to to survive. Maybe it's not the greatest coping method, but hey, here I am and I owe that to how my system changed. I would not have survived if my system remained as it was prior.
I am not ashamed of having a CDD. I'm not ashamed of the healing we now need to do together. I'm not mad at the dissociation and chaos that happens from time to time. My plurality is different, but not bad. I still love my system, and genuinely, even more now than in the past. Its not because I'm now "validated". We've always been validated. Never gave two shits about people believing me or not. No. It's. Idk. Everyone who is here now has a weight to them. Like a weighted blanket compared to the silk sheets of my endogenic headmates of the past. Both real. Just feels different.
I also don't fear being associated with anti-endos because being anti-endo isn't isolated just to CDD systems. Singlets can also be anti too. I'm genuinely happy to be able to share experiences with both CDD systems and endogenic systems. It SUCKS any of us have trauma. It sucks that any of us have to deal with the distressing parts of dissociative disorders and trauma responses. But I don't feel shame or hate being part of either community.
Idk. I would never lie about either. I have no reason to. What happened happened and while I wish it didn't I'm not mad that I have OSDD now. It's just what it is.
It doesn't make me any more valid
It doesn't make me any closer to being an anti-endo
Its just what happened and here I am. I'm glad I'm here. I'm happy learning to live with a CDD now because I'm alive. I'm out. I'm safe.
Being mixed origin is an experience, and I'm not ashamed of either part of me.
#plural system#actually plural#🦊 kit post#mixed origin system#im rambling#probably repeating a lot#did osdd
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Replace ponytail, beanie, and headphones with
Surrounded by allergies
Not wearing glasses
Not enough sleep
And that's us in a nutshell.
a mystery
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No one can manipulate our dreams, but Ashe was the first one to actively wake us up when a nightmare was getting too much! We could only do that before with repeat dreams, but she can do that with even new ones! She has done it enough now that we are all learning how to recognize when we are dreaming and try to wake up even when she's not around. She's still the best at it, though. She's super great like that. Our hero!
Something I don't really see mentioned all that often is system alters whose role is to manipulate and/or redirect dreams/nightmares. It was the first role I was assigned when I came to this system and I'm rather fond of it. Or at least, more fond of it than my "system admin" role. Admittedly, that one does suck a fair amount.
I don't suppose it's a rather rare role, given how many systems report having chronic bad dreams. We'd always just called it "dreamwalking" because I would just "walk" into a dream and change things. It's a handy skill, if not a little unnerving as I don't particularly look all that friendly and if you're already having a nightmare you could easily mistake me as being apart of it.
The conclusion I had settled on as to why I'm the only one that can do it is I'm known to either lucid dream or barely sleep. My head simply will not turn off, I guess. So when some of the other alters are dreaming, my intrusion essentially functions like creative mode comparatively, thus I can interfere and ideally calm things down to a more manageable level.
Years ago, I learned the hard way that bad dreams do in fact serve a purpose, but toning down their severity doesnt hurt anything. Apparently, poople don't really process stress so well without them. Who knew?
Anyway, are there any others out there who manipulate the system's dreams? I'm curious to hear how others operate with that role.
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You know, it can sometimes be easy to forget just how much my other parts sometimes really need to be acknowledged when I'm fronting.
I've been the one fronting for a little while -- we've hit the point where I'm comfortable in my body, and I've forgotten how long ago someone was last out. I'll have to scroll my blog and check the tags again, lol. But today, Mush looked at me and said something about the rice we were eating, and that stirred Rice up enough for her to say hello.
So I said, "Rice says hi," and they responded, "I love you, Rice."
And...
It just felt so good. So relieving. So refreshing. They'd said they loved me so many times today, but just at that single comment, every single part of me relaxed. They love Rice. That's me. That's me. That's me.
It felt so, so good, in ways that I'm really struggling to put words to. Have you ever felt that feeling of someone looking so deeply into your being that they saw it all, and they embraced it, and they said they loved every ounce of what they held? That's so... startling but warm and comforting.
And that's what it feels like, sometimes, to have my partner acknowledge the others when they're not fronting.
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Got a new addition to the family yesterday. Ashe is annoyed there is a new animal to feed while Kit is ecstatic and hyperfixating, and overall...
The little guy has made us entirely disinterested in syscourse. I'm not sure how long it will last, but it's nice in the moment. We see our friends talking about it, and know tumblr has some stuff going on, but we are left disinterested. Our brain can't latch on to any of it.
It's nice.
We *might* share pics later. He's a crested gecko named Link.
He's come to town to do some savin.
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Reminder for every system out there:
You don’t owe anyone your trauma. You’re allowed to be silly about your disorder online, and fuck anyone who says you can’t.
Equally, you can share your trauma online, discussing your disorder in serious ways. Fuck anyone who says you can’t.
You owe people nothing. Do what is best for you.
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Another One Of Those Advice-for-New-Systems Posts
Saw one of these going around recently and got inspired. I wouldn't call this advice list the "evil edition", more like the... "do no harm but take no shit" edition X'D
Be on each other's team first, before anything else. Everything gets easier when you're facing it together.
Trying to avoid being (or looking) cringe is a fool's errand. If you would have to bend yourselves into a conciliatory pretzel in order to make a person like you or a social circle accept you, those people are not worth your time.
When you inevitably get hit with episodes of anxious system-doubt, (it's a pretty universal experience, I promise), take a second to pause. What's the longest span of time you've had so far without any "system stuff" (comments in co-con, switches, notes left for you, etc) happening? Say it's a week. Take that time span, double it, and then tell yourself that you are not allowed to seriously, actually start doubting until that long from now (e.g. 2 weeks). "But I'm so sure I'm definitely just faking it!" okay, hey, alright--if that's true, it'll still be true in 2 weeks. You can wait to find out, it's okay.
Be kind to everything in your head anyways, even in the middle of a doubt episode, because that's equally important for singlets to do and not just limited to systems. "Just part of me talking to myself" is as worthy of respect and kindness as an autonomous system member.
Also, keep notes somewhere of Hilariously Plural stuff that happens to you. It'll be good reassurance, but even more importantly, it'll be really funny to look back on later.
Labels are tools to help you communicate your experiences, not boxes you have to sort yourselves into.
The magic question isn't about labels or validity or trauma. It's "What do we need? What do each of us need, individually? What support would help us?"
Don't get too caught up in online system communities. Especially 1) endless tilting-at-windmills debates, and 2) advice channels and feeling obligated to give advice and emotional support to everyone who looks like they might want it. (Note: it's not bad to give advice, but it can be very easy to make a habit of overextending yourselves to care for others instead of yourselves--quite often because your own problems are hard and scary, bc otherwise you would have solved them already, and other peoples' issues can feel a lot more tractable and easier to address.)
Do find people and communities where you feel safe to be yourselves, and where people get to know you for your interests and perspectives and senses of humor, not only for your demographic labels.
It's okay to not know everything or figure everything out right away. There will be changes, there will be surprises, and that's good and normal and part of being alive.
Have fun on purpose. Lean into having fun with being a system, even if fun moments are rare and fleeting at first. Make in-jokes, encourage each other's angsty poetry habits, leave each other notes (even if you share memories), end up with massive crushes on each other, daydream together, hold each other when one (or more) of you is sad. Find things about each other you're grateful for, that you admire and want to learn from, that you enjoy.
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pro-endos are like feta and anti-endos are like cheddar and no I will not elaborate
endo neutral is giving provolone tbh
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Something something amnesia but I'm really grateful for Facebook Memories. That's one thing on the site that I really love. When we went through Syscovery, it was chaotic and awful. We fought a lot, there was a bunch of resentment and fighting to have time in the outer world. Our best friend almost committed us secretly, we were functioning and coping so badly and for so long. We lost a lot of time because of it, potentially more than a year's worth, so it's really really hard to figure out how long we've known each other and when our Syscovery was.
According to a Facebook Memories the other day, the answer is about three years ago in our late 20s, give or take a few months. And we were kind of shocked to realize how much is changed in such a little amount of time.
~We grew from a known and maintainable 9 members (lolol) to over 40 and recognize there are others in here we haven't met. ~Alter count no longer really matters, just something we jokingly groan and bitch about. New alters are no longer a source of panic attacks and spirals, but a "heavy sigh pk;m new" event. ~We no longer fight for front. There aren't massive fights between alters anymore and we've grown to accept and appreciate every single part for everything we are and have been through. ~Amnesia between switching is much, much better (although still not great). We haven't recovered the bad memories, but have recovered a lot of good ones. There's more, of course. Relationships made. Bad roles dropped and better, more suitable ones have been obtained. I guess I'm just really proud of us. Three years down, it can only get better and better <3
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Siiigh.
Anyways. Some thoughts that spring from the conversation I just attempted.
Communication barriers are a thing in syscourse that crop up from time to time, for many reasons. For me, being heavily autistic, I often say and read things very literally, and that’s made me run into issues in the past. I also find I struggle to understand the perspectives of those who aren’t me. I’m mature enough to admit that these problems lead to conversations being frustrating, and even to conversations being pointless! That’s a really important idea to learn and grow from, and to accept that sometimes, yeah, your lack of ability means missing out on some things sometimes. There’s no shame in that, and people mentioning the lack of ability isn’t (always) them shaming you; it’s stating a fact.
When you post to these tags, or even just when your post enters these circles of the community, you can expect people to respond to more than just what you’ve said. Syscourse — and, really moreso, the system community — has a much longer history than just a single post’s words. Part of having a conversation is adding new information and growing from the original topic to new ones. Don’t blind yourself to other topics because you’re so attached to the original topic that you can’t let it go.
When someone says they agree with something, trust them on that. Don’t immediately say, “actually, I read what you said this way, so that means you disagree.” If you feel like they’re in disagreement, clarify; “I know you said you agree, but I read it in this way. I want to understand where my mistake is.” Saying the other person is in the wrong is the quickest way to lead to an argument, particularly when you say things they never said.
We all have vastly different experiences. Learning to respect those experiences is important for these debates.
If you find yourself switching due to syscourse being triggering, log off and take care of yourself. Ground yourself and take care of your parts/alters/headmates/people/etc. however you can. If you find this to be regularly triggering, consider: why are you regularly triggering yourself? It might be time to find something different to do with your time.
And lastly: nobody is ever obligated to engage or do anything another user says. If you’re reading a post that seems to be telling you how to live your life, and that displeases you? Never feel obligated to respond.
(Okay second “lastly” — I feel like there’s a pretty big Beans Issue in syscourse. If you’re allergic to beans, and someone posts about how much they love beans, you shouldn’t then start screaming at them about how they shouldn’t eat beans because beans could kill you. However, if they start saying everyone should eat beans, you can respectfully chime in with “hey, jsyk, these are the signs of Bean Illness, plz be careful.” And that is still relevant to the conversation.)
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I wish more people were willing to acknowledge “hey while I think this experience is plural, it’s not inherently plural, and people should be able to choose.”
“Being plural” is subjective to me, not objective. I am not plural. Objectively, yes, I am a being with multiple parts, so I fit the definition.
But I also fit the definition of pansexual, and I don’t use that label myself. I fit the definition of a female, but I’m not that. I fit the definition of a lot of fucking things, but I’m not most of them. Hell — even the things I do define myself with aren’t always accurate. In my darkest spirals, I define myself as abusive, even when I’m not, because I can twist the definition around myself and stick it to me like tape.
The fact is, labels are just that. Labels. The objective imo has started to matter far less than the subjective. And I wish folks cared about that just a bit more.
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something ive started to notice is that both sides of the syscourse sphere have started to define themselves through hatred.
anti endos are defined by their hatred of endos, and pro endos have started to skew the same direction (defining themselves by their hatred of anti endos). even if people say they arent, one of the larger pro endo accounts have admitted to wishing harm on anti endos for the sake of wanting revenge.
the topic is starting to become flattened and nuance is increasingly ignored. the community of people who experience plurality/systemhood is largely traumatized people who use syscourse as an outlet, and its genuinely something i dont want to interact with as closely.
#defining yourself through hate only leads to a dark place#define yourself through what you believe#who you protect#what you stand for#and who you support and uplift#define yourself through love
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We used to wear clothes or jewelry as indicators. But after we realized everyone's way of talking is very unique, they became pointless. So now we all mix and match without really taking indicators into consideration.
trying to think of what we might be able to use physically as fronting indicators, and i'm wondering what other systems use... if you would like to drop a suggestion/how you do it in the comments that would be much appreciated
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Did a template for you to put your fictotype in a nutshell! I encourage to edit to fit your own needs! Go crazy with it!
Below are the transparent vers!
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While I understand where they are coming from I'd like to point out a few of the many reasons things like this happen.
Typing out someone else's proxy: Autoproxies and muscle memory. Even established members flub this up.
Lack of communication and explanation between system members: Dissociation barriers
New members magically having pk profiles made and knowing how to use it: Again, dissociation barriers. Someone else can make it, and either did not get the chance to explain fully, could not, or didn't care to do more work with the new guy. There can be shared, innate knowledge while also having larger, more problematic loss of knowledge.
People not knowing how the fuck technology works while still using it: There can be a general understanding of how to use something but not a full understanding of how it works. Again, amnesia is a bitch and dissociation does some cracked out things to the mind.
Okay, so people think it's annoying?
Its cringe?
It's bad system accountability and functionality?
Its drawing a ton of unneeded attention to them?
Its almost like these people are SYSTEMS dealing with their own means of COPING with whatever it is they are going through. This new member could be that outlet. Is it for attention? Could be, but that's fine. Is it a distraction? Maybe. Doing it because they need someone to be kind and take care of them in the moment? Possibly.
These moments can be overwhelming and uncomfortable and can make people irritable pretty quickly. It's something I think is fair to acknowledge and talk about. BUT if you find yourself uncomfortable it is okay to remove yourself until the new member is situated. You are not required to help. But, there is likely a good and valid reason for them asking for assistance.
It isn't fair to trauma dump and it isn't fair to "throw" new members at people and expect them to do all the work. But no one here is perfect, and everyone is learning, and it's okay to set boundaries. Sometimes people need help or to express themselves and they don't know any other way. You cannot demand another system to work like you think they should. You do not know what their system is like, how they function, or what new members experience.
I'm not looking to argue because I DO get it. I merely wanted to point out the reasons I live and let live and don't get irritated anymore by it.
Something that reeeeaally frustrates me is when I see new system members in discord servers saying they have no idea where they are, when they also have a fully created proxy for themself. Like that headmate in particular has no idea where they are, but somehow, they or one of their headmates still bothered to make them a proxy without y'know. helping them?? If you know that newbie is there enough to make them a proxy, but you don't think to help them out even though they're in *your* system, you automatically have bad system accountability. And this isn't a case of them autoproxying someone elses proxy bc I've SEEN these ppl say their names (its the name on the proxy) while also having no idea where they are. I understand that some systems have Internal communication issues, but these systems *know* they have a new member and still throw them out to be *other* peoples problems. Theres this one system I was in a mutual server in and I saw this happening to them multiple times every day, I told them, why don't you just help your headmates yourself? Write them a note? Talk to them internally? To explain where they are? And they legitimately responded with, "Oooh thats such a good idea I hadn't thought of that". Stop making strangers have to babysit your headmates because of your poor accountability. And don't even get me started on the people who apparently have such bad amnesia that they can't understand the cat image sent through discord isnt a real cat stuck in the phone, or that they don't know what food is (real things I saw btw!). But I know the moment their mom walks into their room they're gonna "randomly" remember everything.
People will take this entire point the wrong way and clock it as fakeclaiming because it is something they bring up often on those shitty reddits, you all know which ones.
I get what you're saying but the way this is worded comes off that way.
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