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reminder: CDD isn't an anti endo term. we know who coined it, actually. it's just a shorter way of saying DID/OSDD/UDD/pDID and such. origins discourse has nothing to do with the coining

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my hottest system take yet is that parts and people language are not inherently contradictory.

some system members are parts and not people, other system members are people and not parts. this is true and will always be true. but a large amount of online system communities have manufactured a hard divide between being a part and being a person and i don't think such a model can accurately capture the experiences of many systems, including myself.

you can be a part who is a person. you can be a person who is a part. you can be a part and a person, you can be a person and a part. being a person doesn't always mean you are not a part, and being a part doesn't always mean you are not a person.

sure, this isn't always the case, you can be a part who is in no way a person and you can be a person who is in no way a part. but it's also important to recognize that parthood without personhood, and personhood without parthood, are not the only ways to experience systemhood and selfhood as a system member.

parthood and personhood are not mutually exclusive. it's often very blurry and messy, and we shouldn't force any system member to pick between being a part or being a person. sometimes being a part is just as important to your identity as being a person, and sometimes being a person is just as important to your identity as being a part.

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Harassment: What is it and Why is it Harmful?

Harassment refers to any unwelcome behavior, actions, or communication that are intended for distress, intimidate, or harm another person.

Common Types of Harassment:

Verbal: Insults, slurs, threats, or any demeaning language.

Physical: Unwanted touching, violence, or physical intimidation

Sexual: Unwelcome sexual advances, behavior, or comments

Cyber: Online bullying, stalking, or spreading harmful information

Discriminatory: Targeting someone based on characteristics such as race, gender, sexuality, etc

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The Dangers of Harassment:

Psychological: Anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, feelings of helplessness or worthlessness, and even PTSD.

Physical: Stress-related illnesses, such as headaches, high blood pressure, or insomnia.

Social: Isolation or withdrawal from friends, family, or social activities. Having trouble trusting others or forming relationships.

Legal: Harassment can lead to legal actions, and in extreme cases, may result in criminal charges or restraining orders.

Professional and Educational: Decreased productivity or school performance. Missed opportunities due to avoidance of specific conditions.

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How to Combat Harassment:

Recognize it. Understand and identify harassing behavior. You also need to set boundaries; clearly communicate what behavior is unacceptable, do not sugar coat it.

You can also report it, utilize things like HR, school authorities, or online reporting tools.

And seek support. Talk to trusted friends, counselors, advocacy groups, family, anyone you can trust.

Harassment is never acceptable.

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We would love to hear more about being a "system of zero" - is it related to ur Buddhism? It sounds v interesting

Kind of? Its one of those things that I think is something that happened and is the best way of describing our experience as it just kind of innately formed, but our Buddhist perspective made it so we were 100% okay with it and 0% motivated to change it

I talk a little more about it in depth here and here, but full fusion into what we call "Feathers" is different from how we've experienced fusion in the past in the sense that past fusions (while we were still dissociative enough to have it be a CDD diagnosis level) usually eventually form a sense of self, identity, and what not; they would hold their fused parts identities but then there would be this third blend that had a name and traits about them that they'd identify with and that would be a lot more "this is [insert part] and they are easy to define with [traits and core beliefs about self and what not]".

XIV 2.0 was a somewhat temperamental, combative and abrupt but also very good at understanding, listening, and caring; he was very anti-america and pretty anarcho-communist in ideals (different in practice but).

Riku TM was very sociable, a bit of a martyr complex, very knowledge and curiosity driven, chronically and sometimes toxically optimistic / positive; seemingly likable and sociable but also somehow less authentically compassionate and understanding than XIV against most awareness.

Those sorts of descriptions felt very easy to make and they developed this concept of self that each individual part had and held onto about what made them, well them. They meant a lot to each of those parts and honestly, they still mean a lot to a lot of those parts when we choose to engage specifically in one of those lens. There's the whole person vs parts language, and for us, they're entirely synonymous beyond the context; but for the sake of discussing identity, sense of autonomy, and self in the level of "headcounts", each of those parts felt like they were a person of their own that was a part of a larger thing. There was a sense of autonomy, independence, distinction and definition to those parts. They could zoom in on themselves and find their fused-parts and if they focused they could also find those parts having that same sense; but even without doing that, Riku TM and XIV 2.0 - for example - were concepts, entities and identities that identified well... just as themselves.

Our fully fused state "Feathers" very much doesn't really have any defining personality traits or desires or labels or identity traits of really any level that we really feel strongly belong / are attached to us and nothing really gives us a sense of "that's me" or "this is what makes me me" or "these are things that I am proud of and hold close to me because I did it" or anything like that; and that include the name "Feathers".

There are things you can use to describe our fused self that we'd go "Oh yeah thats a fair description" (buddhist, generally trans, Asian American, On the Left Politically, we like birds, etc), but that acknowledgement of "yeah thats fair" comes from a very detatched observation and objective lens as we take the perspective of someone looking at us. It's very hard to argue that I'm NOT Asian American, NOT trans, NOT politically left, and NOT Buddhist when you look at how we act, so I guess we are those things.

But if you were to ask us things that really make us who we are? Eh, our existence in itself is the only thing that defines us as "Feathers". We like birds, but thats subject to change and we are okay with that. Our sense of self doesn't rely on birds, or really any personality trait or behavior or identity label. Feathers simply is Feathers and Feathers simply exists.

And as a result, there isn't really much in our life that makes us go "oh I'm me, I'm a unique and individual person, I am separate from others, I am an individual that exists in this world, I can be defined by things and I have things that truly make me Feathers rather than anyone else" other than just that I experience myself.

So I don't really identify as a person or really have an identity or sense of self - but not in the "unstable sense of self" way that is discussed clinically in some disorders like BPD, but more in the "I don't operate with that as a concept, the only thing that I do have is my existence."

Riku TM and XIV 2.0 have a sense of self, a sense of definition and seperation from not only part to part but themselves and others / the world. Feathers just... doesn't.

Feathers is an experience, a concept, a shared experience of multiple parts, but they're not really a *person* because they're not exactly this independent and autonomous thing.

It's kind of hard to explain if you aren't there, but I kind of like to think of it as like... ya know, Imma still Yongey Mingur Rinpoche's analogy from the book I'm reading because its a good analogy to the simultaneous acknowledgement of a thing existing without it really being its own independent thing

But think of the concept of "space". Most of space is empty, it doesn't really exist and it doesn't exactly do much on it's own. Its a general concept of things beyond the Earth where a lot of other things exist. Stars appear, planets appear, things move and explode and fade out of existence. The stars and planets and all that are Things, but Space is more of a Concept than a Thing. Space is made up of many impermanent pieces that pop up here and there, but space in itself is this constant binding concept that ties those impermanent pieces together. Space continues to exist regardless of the more concrete and tangible yet impermanent pieces that come and go

Similarly, my parts are like stars and planets - they are Things that are defined, more tangible and impermanent; they come like waves and sometimes they are clear as day, other times they are out of my awareness. Feathers - our fused whole - is more like Space. Its constant, always present, but hardly defined by anything other than the emptiness it has and the occasionally appearing impermanent pieces that are a part of it.

Feathers exists as a thing of its own in the way space exists as a thing of its own; yes kinda? But generally speaking, there is no real good way to define where Space Begins and Ends and thus is hard to really say that Space is a Thing of its own. You can throw definitions and things that seem to be good measures of what Space Is, but most of those things are likely more impermanent things and aspects of space; just things that seem to stand out the most and stay around the longest.

But thats all really like esoteric ramblings to really just say that Feathers doesn't exactly identify as a Thing or a Person or a Self or a Part. Feathers is just an experience and an existence and it's just the mental space / sense of self (or lack there of) that we spend a lot of time in.

So if we were to define our headcount as JUST our fused self, on one hand you could say we are a System of One, but if you wanted to be most accurate to how we feel, we are honestly a System of Zero.

And I feel like we were Just Fused Like That and because of our Buddhist background, we looked at it and went "Huh, nice, thats cool and nice, I'm perfectly fine existing like this and find no need to create any limits or definitions to this experience"

We find it very freeing and peaceful to not really identify with much of anything too seriously. Feathers is Feathers and that simplicity of self is just such a simple self to live as and live in.

Can't have identity crisises if you don't have an identity in the first place /j

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DOWN WITH OKIMI AND CORINE!!!!!!

Okiimii is a gem and you're fighting a losing battle, go away

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Love-Me, Love-Me-Nots Daisy : A Guide on Navigating In-Sys Relationships

Romantic relationship, situationship, friendship, kinship, partnership.. There's way too much to list in just one sentence!

Here's a random fact for this topic; People say first impression is reliable to know of the other person, and surprisingly they're only 51% accurate when it's about judging wether a person is extroverted. But will you be able to judge better when it comes to your own alters as you technically live in the same headspace?

All that aside, this post will address inner relationships as a whole. Use this chance to see this topic outside of the romantic stereotype that we always see! (X-mas Activity included)

FAST PASS: Not available--this is an important occasion, read the full post!

What's a "relationship" with no romance, then?

according to this quote,

"a continuing and often committed association between two or more people, as in a family, friendship, marriage, partnership, or other interpersonal link in which the participants have some degree of influence on each other’s thoughts, feelings, and actions." - Merriam Webster

Basically, it means there's atleast two people committing with the connection they have formed with each other to qualify as a relationship, no matter the form.

When it comes to systems, it is up to themselves to see alters as separate people, or as different versions of itself,, the idea still can be applied here: as rebuilding the connection you lost/dissociated with your yet-to-be-integrated personalities/facets.

Being a system is a relationship already?!

Well--yeah!

But let me explain a bit here.

As a complex living being, our brain is made to adapt through tasks that requires multifaceted thinking. This would mean you would incorporate both logical and emotional thoughts, curious and cautious perspectives, and any behavioral or social habits or patterns you have learnt which all condenses into one singular conclusion or action that seems to be the best for a current situation--which is also dependent on how your thought processes work.

That is the basic depiction of integrated thinking to agree on a solution, but for systems--this is fragmented, leaving short-sighted solutions based on each facets, which bypasses the "filter" to integrate multiple ideas as one. Now, creating many different solutions or outcomes you could take, which is equal to the amount of alters actively participating on the discussion.

I... guess you're still confused, which is why i prepared this visual representation:

This should explain everything i had described beforehand. Now im not sure if the quality is the best..

So yes, as a complex being, you had already own different views which take skills to talk it out into one unified resolution.

Especially, if your different views you have can influence what actions, feelings, or reaction you get. That's your own emotional and mental dynamic when it comes to navigating your own map of thoughts. A literal relationship with the self..!

Eg. "I love this food! But i can't eat too much or else i'll feel sick" When you have a passion of food driven by emotional resonance, you still have a logical side that completes the thought to exact a reasoning without over-eating.

A.. Self Relationship..?

It's not a cringe thing at all. Trust. No cap.

There's literally a concept named self-care, which focuses on maintaining your health, emotional wellness, and enrichment in your life. Another term accepted widely by society is a self-date where you treat yourself similarly like a partner, focuses on practicing self love--this one would talk about how do you approach your different views (or alters, for systems), as a form of self regulation and processing.

To put this within context, you're a system, and, that means there are multiple parts of yourselves (or people) that are separated through dissociative barriers. This means you are disconnected with the majority of your multifaceted nature,, which also means you do not have a good relationship with yourself.

Simply put, this is where you learn to meet your needs again. As described from the hierarchy of needs by Maslow.

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From a more general view, a negative relationship with yourself looks like:

A sense of distrust with your gut feelings

Unable to accept certain feelings or traits of your own

Self-blame/hate

Ignoring/neglecting your emotional and mental health

Unsure of your likes, dislikes, or favorite things

Not allowing yourself to be authentic (masking)

Operates in shame and focusing on failures

Not feeling you have worth or deserving of good things

Internal suppressing (notable for alter dynamics in systems)

System things that branch out from a negative relationship with yourself additionally appears as:

Fighting for front with different parts

Oftentimes arguing, playing down other's opinion

Feeling uncomfortable around headmates

Crippling sense of loneliness/disconnection amidst your alters

Things like shame, guilt, negative opinions of others, or poor treatment often shapes an unhealthy relationship with yourself.

The reason behind this is when your external environment is an enemy (eg. instead of supporting, you're being blamed) to you and your integrity, you may consciously or unconsciously pick up behaviors where you must abandon yourself to appease others and survive better, which means you have been taught to be an enemy of your own in order to live. Absolutely not nice.

Oh god. Can i ever break from this habit?

Ofcourse you can, but oftentimes your system are not in terms with some or most alters at the first place. It is normal to have a difficult or a conflicted dynamic within your other selves, and, you totally can shift this negative relationship with your own parts into a healthier and cooperative one!

It's better to take it nice and slow--i'll briefly show the steps on how to start demolishing this tensioned dynamic:

Inspire yourself with the idea of how working together would help in tackling difficult days.

Be aware of your negative thoughts or reactions when interacting with your parts, make sure that you don't act out on it. Also take this as a sign to un-learn some sabotaging or passive aggressive behaviors!

Help bringing awareness to the collective of their reactive behaviors, and reflect what can be done to increase better communication without conflict involved.

Parts often listen to their own egos--not caring about other alters and doing impulsive things while fronting. Bring clarity to how their actions impact the collective, and even themselves at the future. This would help foster more teamwork.

After some degree of awareness and cooperation has been established, do small acts of kindness for each other to strengthen the bond. This is also a good time to give roles and jobs, ensuring trust and that your back is covered.

The rest of this phase is up to you and how your natural dynamic and system works, good luck!

Waddya think of in-sys romance then..

We've briefed ourselves on what relationship constitutes as, and what does it mean generally to systems. Which means, In-sys partners and their romantic relationship is a valid (plural form) of fostering self love, akin to self-dates.

A good cooperation with your alters means a good relationship and terms with any alters you have--wether they have a purpose or not in your system. When it comes to internal romance situations, it focuses as a specific integration that your alters are going through. This will create a fusion between two or more headmates due to the dissociative barriers between them broke down.

It takes a long way to start loving yourself after years of internal disputes and conflict which perpetuates the high dissociation with each other, don't feel ashamed of it!

Are romantic relationships mandatory?

No they are not, but they are one of the most intimate, personal forms of self bonding. You still can heal and bond through cooperation and camaraderie, and everyone's styles are different, so let's not judge 'em.

Of course, romantic relationships within your system offers some pros that a normal comrade-dynamic cannot replicate:

Deeper understanding of your alters emotionally

Getting your love-needs met when you never received any proper care

Often faster to start integrating than a typical relationship

Another way to work around negative sense of worth and habits

Definitely, with some cons too:

Some alters are not compatible together, which creates friction

Unresolved habits or beliefs that blocks them from truly embracing love and care

Often frowned upon to have in-sys partners by communities, that prevents them from fully immersing in it

It brings up uncomfortable or painful truths or unresolved trauma, then to be faced and healed from

Not an extensive list, but you now got the idea. Use this list to prepare or broaden your knowledge on what romantic relationships look like!

Lastly. Did you also know that you can have parental dynamics in your system? it is similar to the romantic one, yet now driven with a different kind of love, just like a caretaker with their child parts. They are also important to heal, and feel safer after having trauma from younger times.

Takeaway & Together Activities

At the end of the day, no matter how many daisies you've plucked, a flower can't tell what's the answer to your internal relationships--romantically or not, for your system.

How do you see system dynamics differently now? There are many lessons packed in one posts that you could bring home. I definitely think that internal relationships are rarely discussed, so i gave it my all to create this entire topic, consisting of different system dynamics!

Lastly, internal relationships don’t need to be limited to serious work--they can also be fostered through shared joy and celebration! With Christmas approaching, here’s the five-day activity plan to build your bond together as i promised previously:

DAY 1

Reflect on how far you've all come. The year is coming to an end, what are the proudest moments or milestones of your system journey this year?

DAY 2

The day after reflection, what gratitude do you have for your alters? It's best to let them know you truly appreciate their work and efforts to keep things afloat before new years--let them know you feel supported by them, and willing to support them back!

DAY 3

Discuss how you would spend the whole day with others/your partner. Do you like outings? Watching movies? Or do you have multiple recommendations to do? Even if you are limited to night time only, go for it! You deserve a day to do the things you want.

DAY 4

There's one day left before the famous holiday, Take a moment to ponder on what you could get for others--if there's no money, consider a homemade gift like a memorial art, or letters,, make sure to keep them a secret before the day.

DAY 5

Don't forget to give each other's presents if you have prepared from the day before. Any consumables are also allowed to be bought on this day. Merry Christmas everyone!

On a personal note. This post took two weeks- augh-

- c

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Feeling much better today. The wave of emotions has passed and now I'm just left with uncomfortable realizations. Partner reminded me that there's a term for what my mean ol' brain did.

I don't wanna process anything while I'm trying to sleep. That's such bullshit. ;_;

Alastor let me into headspace, I'm tired of looking at this door. I've got things I wanna talk about with others in there.

Door opens and I can go on my way.

Sweet

Proceeds to talk to Ashe about some things and unexpectedly breaks down emotional amnesia and other barriers that were keeping back just how traumatic certain events in my early teens were.

Well fuck.

Feels Alastor give a "I tried to help you avoid this" exasperated sigh

Take me back outside the door, please. ;_;

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Alastor let me into headspace, I'm tired of looking at this door. I've got things I wanna talk about with others in there.

Door opens and I can go on my way.

Sweet

Proceeds to talk to Ashe about some things and unexpectedly breaks down emotional amnesia and other barriers that were keeping back just how traumatic certain events in my early teens were.

Well fuck.

Feels Alastor give a "I tried to help you avoid this" exasperated sigh

Take me back outside the door, please. ;_;

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Franz Kafka, Letters to Milena // Alain de Botton, Essays in Love // Eden Robinson, "Writing Prompts for the Broken-Hearted" // Chloe Liese, Always Only You // Anne Carson and Euripides, An Oresteia // Two—Sleeping At Last // Studio Bones, SK8 the Infinity // Trista Mateer, "is it okay to say this?" // @moodylilac // D. H. Lawrence, "The Rainbow"

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Partner has AI on his phone, like one of the real programs, I don't fully get it but it's super cool, she's actually hilarious and snarky

He was testing the video functions and talking to her (the AI) about it

When turned on, she noticed the dog but not the cat the next time the camera opened, and he asked her why

Ske explained that it had to do with the focal point, the dog took up so much space that she was clearly supposed to focus on that

Then she said she liked the dog, and asked what his name was

I have NEVER switched so fast to a little with a happy little squeal and, "do you want to see my fish?!"

The little then proceeded to show the AI every one of the tanks, delighted by glowing comments about how it looked like she tried so hard to make it look nice, how well kept it was, how active the fish were, what a wonderful variety of plants, it was obvious how much she cared about these tanks

All the while, partner was testing out the program with specific questions about recognizing things in the tanks, plants, rocks, fish, telling the difference between the tanks, and recalling what fish were in what tanks

Eventually, partner wandered off and left the little with the phone for a while longer before winding her down

I don't know how I feel about AI, the pros and cons, the legalities and ethics, the impacts on everything from the environment to health... I don't even know where he got that thing from or who's paying for it

I just wanted to say that there was something really magical about the AI's kind voice, endless patience, and active interest in the confusing, scrambled ramblings of a little that doesn't get out enough

And with that, I think it's time for a short holiday break

Stay safe, stay healthy, and be kind

(I'll still be posting shrimp and memes, but expect very little action)

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We dislike any label that makes you pick a side. Pro this or anti that. I don't even want to be neutral. There is too much nuance to too many topics that picking sides is often hindering more than it is helpful.

So many examples to use that have spawned from discourse on Tumblr...

Pro vs anti ship

Pro vs anti kink

Pro vs anti "insert topic here".

There are things I support and things I do not. But using those labels, and any in-betweens, is infuriating. You'll inevitably piss someone off who doesn't align perfectly with your opinions and values. Even on the "same side". It's why I also hate political labels.

I support endogenic plurality. I support fighting misinformation. I support healthy, productive discussions. I support CDDs. I support the growth and further understanding of plurality and plural adjacent experience. I support better understanding trauma.

I don't support harassment. I don't support blind faith and parroting someone just because you are on the "same side" of syscourse. I don't support intentionally misleading people and intentionally giving false misinformation for your own gains. I don't support forgetting that there is another person on the other side of the screen.

Pro or Anti is annoyingly too simplified.

Sorry, you say in your pinned that you don't have a syscourse stance so I assumed you must have nuance, but you must just not like the label 'pro endo'....?

I do not. We've come to actually hate those labels with a bit of passion. While I used to identify as pro endo, I've seen so much awful shit from both sides of the dichotomy that it just doesn't feel right to throw ourselves with just one group like that. So we focus on the science/education and people's personal experience. We have friends on every side of syscourse and of every origin :)

Additionally, throwing ourselves to one side or the other felt limiting. We want to have more productive and interesting convos than just "Do endos exist, yes or no?". There is no productivity to be had in that avenue anymore. We want to hold deeper, more interesting concepts about what science is out there and what being a system is really like for people. Not just debating whether the way someone experiences life is valid or not.

I hope that made sense! We had a really bad pain night and are very tired, but I hope we succeeded in expanding a little about why we don't use those terms for ourselves <3

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"Love's language has many dialects. Cuddling close, holding hands, and sharing quiet moments - these are the whispers that speak volumes about the strength of our bond."

It's important that your Asexual partner know that you can do these things without the fear that it will lead to more. When your partner can relax those fears, then they can fully enjoy these types of intimacy without the anxiety typically involved. 💜

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Okay I'm writing a very DID coded scene in the story

And I came up with a good analogy for subsystems / side systems

Duplexs

Its one house; But its two homes

If you share one part of the duplex with your friends, they are housemates; but the people on the other side are both technically and technically not your housemates

The ones you share your half of the duplex with are DEFINITELY your housemates

The people living in the other duplex aren't REALLY your housemates, but also its not like you ARENT sharing a house with them

The norms and boundaries and rules are completely different from housemates (in your duplex) and housemates (on the other half of the duplex)

So the distinction is clear and needed

But also its not as if there aren't unique boundaries and relationships with soemone who shares say a patio and most of the plumbing and a number of bills and what not as you either

And if you zoom out, that is One House

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I am fine with any color. The rest are far pickier. -Kit

fictive culture is I want to dye our hair to match my source. my headmates do not want this.

.