#and if they do: again. something wrong. a mentally healthy person does not wish for disorders

[wellthatschaotic]

scrolling youtube. "how to spot someone FAKING DID!!!" heavy sigh.

[fancyfeathers]

If all (or most) of the yandere!JL had darlings, do you think they’d have a system?

Like, to make sure their darlings are mentally healthy, would they set up stuff for them to meet each other? (Like pets)

When somebody has to go on a mission that takes a while, would they leave their darling with a trusted friend or just the watchtower in general?

I really think it depends, like Bruce Wayne's darling will just be kept at Wayne Manor, and probably has never met anyone from the Justice League or their darlings unless they come around to the manor. She has the boys and Alfred to keep her company when Bruce is gone.

Arthur Curry and Diana are similar to Bruce in that way, Arthur's darling is kept safe underneath the ocean's surface, keeping her safe where he knows he has control and no one will ever dare to harm her unless they wish to anger him. Then Diana's darling will be taken to Themyscira to live with her and the Amazons, but Diana will take her darling to visit other members of the Justice League and their darlings, probably Clark and his darling because of how well their darlings get along, they were probably college roommates or something, like sisters and since Clark has his darling Diana does not need to worry about hers.

Then for the others like Barry Allen, Hal Jordan, Clark Kent, they are all yanderes with delusional tendencies to different extents.

Barry is slightly lucid, but he tells himself over and over again that this is truly for the best and they can have a somewhat normal life together, he comes home from his civilian work every day as a scientist for the Central City Police Department and provides for her, it is completely normal as long as she does not try to leave the house because he set up sensors at the doors and windows to notify him whenever something is opened and he always comes running home quite literally to bring her back inside which is followed by a lecture about how he is just trying to keep her safe and...

honestly, at the two-minute mark, his darling just clocks out because it is always the same thing over again and she does not need to hear the same forty-minute speech about her behavior.

But Barry lets his darling socialize with other darlings or Justice League members, bringing her along to meetings or when they go on missions and a League member stays behind to look after their darlings, and when it is a bigger threat that requires the whole League he is an absolute mess before leaving her in the watchtower, kissing her all over and telling her how much he loves her before he had to run off to you know save the world.

Clark is purely delusional to the point where he firmly believes what he is doing is right, no way about it, he genuinely believes his darling would be dead without him, and to some extent, he is right because they probably met when he saved her life as Superman. His darling honestly won't even have time to realize something is wrong because by the time she even realizes someone is watching her, she is going to be waking up with Clark holding her in his arms, acting like they have been together for years. Similar to Barry he knows when his darling is doing something she shouldn't because of his super hearing he is always listening in to at least some extent, Sometimes it's everything, but most of the time it is just her breathing or heartbeat which can tell a lot of things like when a person is panicked.

Clark does not bring his darling along as much as Barry does, he cannot risk losing her if anything goes wrong, that being said his darling does have slightly more freedom than most, but that is because he has her in the middle of nowhere with no car and everything too far to walk on foot, especially because to be honest his darling is going to have kids and get pregnant sooner than some of the other darlings who will because Clark definitely has babyfever. So besides she'll be busy taking care of the house and or resting if she's pregnant most of the day to socialize. However, if a dangerous situation did arise that all the Justice League needed to deal with he would leave his darling at the watchtower because he would have no idea when he would be home and back with her, and at least he knows she would be safe enough there and have other company so she won't be losing her mind in loneliness. Clark being Clark would be constantly worrying about her, especially if she was pregnant or already had given birth.

Okay assuming that you are referring to this post in the ask with Hal having a Detective Darling who is on the trail of the kidnappings of the darlings of the Justice League. Hal is very protective of his darling, especially after what happened to her and the fact that he was not able to protect her then. Due to his work as a Green Lantern half of the time he has his darling staying in the watchtower because he is off-planet so often, this is pretty standard for any darling of a Green Lantern in the Justice League so those darlings are all pretty close. Then there are the lucky times when all the Lanterns are busy and or off-planet and all of them are left to speak freely without one of them reporting to the others if anything concerning was said, drinking and gossiping. Honestly, if any of the other darlings of the Justice League were around, they kinda would feel like they are intruding on the group of the Green Lanterns' darlings.

I could just imagine Clark's or Barry's darling meeting Hal's darling, the same one the Justice League worried about exposing the League. They had heard about her via listening on meetings when they were brought along, or Hal talking about her and they had a small hope that someone would still be out there looking for them until they heard of her getting paralyzed from the waist down on a different case and Hal taking her in and taking care of her and they just felt horrible for her because she just wanted to help them and other people but it ended up costing her everything and they feel like it is all their fault.

[pinkyjulien]

It's been rotating in my head all morning and since I have to wait a few hours to get my day started, might as well throw my two cents in a proper post

We really should talk about Kerry Eurodyne

Now before you run off, I think it's important to point something out; As a fandom veteran who been here since early 2021, I think others will agree when I say that the discourse surrounding Kerry has always been a hot topic that comes back around every few weeks- but why does it keep coming back?

I'm well placed to know that ignoring a problem and not talking about it publicly doesn't solve anything; everyone is quick to throw assumption and accusations, to make "callout" post, to blow things out of proportions, to take someones's squick as personal attack, and the mob mentality does the rest; everyone follow whoever is going to be the loudest about an ongoing "fandom drama"

This isn't an attempt to show anyone that they're "wrong" or "right"; there is no right or wrong in this recurring discourse. This post is an attempt at opening an healthy and mature conversation! I come in peace gfhgfh

Prefacing this by saying that I'm not a Kerry fan, and I'm not bisexual. So why the hell do I care? Well to be frank, I don't particularly care, I have my own opinions on the character, but I do care (to an extent) about this "community" and I hate seeing what happened to me happen to others, especially new commers who never meant anything wrong. Nobody deserves to be bullied out of a fandom for sharing their opinions on their own blog/space!

Alright this intro was long but let's get on it- buckle up cause this is going to be a looooot of rambling

━

Through the years/months, I've noticed something rather sad; this isn't a debate between bisexual people vs biphobic people, as a lot of people might think and assume; this has always been queer people sharing, sometimes in a really awkward and hurtful way, their interpretation of a character (don't block me yet, please hear me out)

Those who know me knows that I personally care a lot about the canon and writers's visions, so first I want to share some posts about Kerry made by his literal "parents"

Mateusz Tomaszkiewicz, Narrative Designer at CDPR, shared informations on the different romance interest back in December 2020, on the game's release day

When asked about a MLM relationship option, here what he states:

(don't leave just yet)

On a now-deleted comment, RTalsorianGames, original creator of the Cyberpunk tabletop game and by definition original creator of Kerry Eurodyne, stated the following:

Please note that CDPR did in fact consult with Mike himself about Kerry being a MLM exclusive romance!

(Also this isn't a debate about if Kerry cares about V or not, let's not derail this conversation, remember that everyone is allowed to interpret a character and a relationship as they wish)

I wanted to share these tweets to point something really important; there is no "right" or "wrong" label for Kerry, and it all boils down to interpretation < key word

Kerry have multiple states; we HAVE to remember Kerry exist in some kind of cyberpunk multiverse!

We have his 2020 and 2023 self that are confirmed to be bisexual; this is the Kerry Mike and RTalsorian created, the Kerry they have full control and say over; the same young Kerry we see in Johnny's flashback

And then comes his 2077 self, which we see confirmed above as labeled as Homosexual (which again as been approved by Mike himself)

I personally think it's important to start with what his different creators have to say; Kerry is both Mike's and CDPR's character; Kerry is both labeled as being Bisexual and Homosexual

There is a lot of reasons why this change / evolution was made, even tho we all know the main reason; they needed a MLM romance in the game to complete the LI roster. But why take an already established character, a Bi character even, for the Gay romance?

I've seen a lot of people saying that CDPR erased his bisexuality, I understand why it might feel like this, but I don't think it's true or fair! Again, remember that Mike gave his OK for this; he could've at any moment said no, Kerry is HIS baby first and foremost

In game, we learn about Kerry's ex wife and kids; this is something CDPR could've not included at all (and THIS would've been erasing his bisexuality imo) it's not even something that is said out loud, but something to be found by dedicated fans; it's here on purpose, to give depth to the character and to his personal life!

We also see a couple of feminine clothes around his villa; let's not assume anything here, clothes have no genders especially in the 2077 setting, but it can also well point at one-night stand with women and/or multi-gender orgies for example

But, this won't be anything new or controversial, Kerry pushes femV advances in game- this is simply a fact! Like it or not, that's how CDPR's writers, RTAL and Mike decided to evolve Kerry's character for the game; everyone was ok with this

━

Now comes the root of the debate; Is it homophobic to mod Kerry to be romanceable by a femV? and is it biphobic to not be comfortable with this?

No, and no - (don't leave just yet, please read a bit more)

Remember that I'm "just" a gay man, I've had discussion with friends of all gender and orientation about this topic and it's been enlightning to hear the different opinions on the matter!

As previously mentioned, it all boils down to Interpretation.

The discourse recently came back because someone shared their uncomfortableness regarding mods that change Kerry's preferences; in the post tags, OP made sure to say that everyone was free to do anything, to ship anything, and that this was just their opinion; but obviously the fandom didn't read that part and started to throw accusation around, and here we are (I shouldn't have to remind people that we all are free to share whatever on our respective blogs, if it hurts you just block the person, don't jump them)

OP is a Bisexual Man; a lot of other Bisexual Men related to this post and rebloged it, sharing their thoughts in the tags (I also rebloged it, I know it caused a few people to back off and block me as a result, which I respect totally)

Going to pick up my questions back up to hopefully state my opinions and "analyses" of the situation as clear as possible

Is it homophobic to mod Kerry to be romanceable by a femV?

No, it's not

Kerry is bisexual, he was married to a women, and potentially still have sex with women and fem individuals, these infos are all canon in game.

Kerry pushes femV flirts away; but since he experience attraction to women, who is to say that in someone's own canon, their fem OC isn't a V, and doesn't have Johnny involved, changing how Kerry and their OC meet drastically; Kerry could fall in love with her! He could; he's bisexual after all.

Is it biphobic to not be comfortable with this?

No, it's not

Kerry has a clear preference for men; CDPR choose to show this multiple time in the game, during Johnny's flashback we can see him make out with a masc fan, we can see him being vulnerable with Johnny (imo, his lil crush is showing hard)

I personally haven't seen it/heard it in game, but I've been told that after learning about Kerry's ex-wife, Johnny has a vocal, surprised reaction, has if imagining Kerry with a woman is strange to him

However, there is a lot of biphobic things being said in the discourse, and not in the way you might think of

I thankfully never see the full extent of it; I don't see the obviously biphobic takes, stating that Kerry SHOULD NEVER be with a femV, people being nasty and ATTACKING femV/Kerry shippers; this is never ok, these have been blocked for a long time now

But I sadly see the other takes, which always icked me a bit; the takes that say, "you bisexuality isn't worth of respect if it isn't a 50/50 attraction at all time", takes that are sadly biphobic in nature (making it clear that I'm not pointing finger at anyone, nor am I accusing anyone of being biphobic)

This is what it boils down to, I think, this is the root of the problem

As mentioned before, a lot of Bisexual Men expressed their uncomfort when it comes to femV/Kerry mods; it invalidated Kerry's preference. But this isn't about Kerry, he's fictional, he CANT be hurt by anything, by mods or art or whatever; It invalidate Bisexual Men that share the same preference in Men, Bisexual men that related to Kerry for X or Y.

Bisexuality is a spectrum, queer people has been fighting against Bi erasure for years, but also against Bi stereotypes; and I think this is one of them? (Please correct me if I'm wrong)

Bisexuality isn't a strict 50/50 split preference- it can be! But 60/40, 20/80 and even 99/1 attractions are still Bisexual attractions. I've met a lot of queer people who, despite being bisexual by definition, choose not to label as such (prefering to label as straight or gay depending on their preferences) just because of this "bisexual police" imposing a strict 50/50; "How can you be bisexual, you've only dated men/women" etc

This is what is being imposed in the fandom, this is how it might looks like to people; when you attack a Bisexual Man sharing his uncomfort in seeing people not respecting a Bisexual character's preference, you're telling them "Hey, your bisexuality isn't valid if you have a preference". You're telling them "Your bisexuality isn't correct". You're showing them that you "fixed" a "flawed" bisexual character "that got erased as gay for having a preference" by "modding his bisexuality back"

Kerry being written as MLM exclusive in Cyberpunk 2077 isn't bi erasure; he's still Bisexual, he simply has a strong preference for Men. A preference that he always had, but that can also be amplified after his divorce with his ex wife, for multiple reasons; I also don't have to point out how many queer people in real life explored their homosexuality after being in a hetero-marriage for most of their lives! And that's ok, queer love is an ever evolving spectrum, and I think it's awesome we get more fleshed out characters that explore this in depth

I've seen people compare Kerry to Johnny, and I don't think it's fair; for the simple reason that Kerry is a romance option and Johnny is not.

Johnny express a clear preference for women; however he replies to V (and flirt, in some case) the same way regardless of gender! Kerry on the other end, as previously said, pushed femV's advanced away. Something Johnny can't do since he's not a romance option; tho if he was, and if he was pushing mascV advances away, it would be the exact same situation and same problematic!

Another character that is canonly bisexual is Goro; he replies to V's flirt through text messages the exact same way, he doesn't seem to express any preferences (and no, his "obligation in japan" isn't necessarily a wife, this is heteronormative and another problem all together, not the subject here)

People can express being uncomfortable seeing Johnny with a given gender, or Goro with a given gender; but there isn't any """reason""" to it outside of personal preferences

Kerry situation is problematic because it lies in his clearly, canonly stated preference, how people decide to interpret it, and how it can come off to other queer people who might share sexuality and/or preference with the character

━

Everyone is free to ship whoever however they want

But please; remember that everyone is different. People being uncomfortable with a character bisexuality preference being ""fixed"" shouldn't be too surprising; and if it is, please re-read my post/ You have to be ok with this fact, it's OK to make content that might be uncomfortable for others; this is fiction!

There isn't any Right or Wrong way to be bisexual, to be queer Kerry's bisexuality is perfectly fine; unmodded or modded Everyone is Different; Every Queer experiences is different People relate to characters in different way

Nobody is being misoginist; there isn't any double standard at play

Bisexual people sharing their opinions on their own blogs on how a fandom handle a character's bisexuality isn't biphobic, or an attack to anyone who interpret the character differently!

I promise you nobody is attacking anyone, and a lot of things being said accidently comes off as biphobic on both sides of this eternal "debate"

It all comes down to respecting others interpretations, and agreeing to disagree! Tumblr's filtering system work great, you can easily filter and block tags, or even people if needed

I might've said things awkwardly, and for this I apologise; but don't put words I didn't say into my mouth! If you don't agree, that's fine, and you're more than welcome to filter/block me if needed; but please do not paint me as biphobic or misoginist, same goes to everyone who shared their thoughts on the matter, these are serious accusation and can wrongfully hurt a lot of people

Ship and let Ship, take care of yourselves and remember to curate your space 🙏

[phightinghottakes]

Time to be argued with while I'm at it <3

•○•

I (PERSONALLY, TAKE NOTE, PERRRRSONALLYYYY) don't like ships with Biograft. I would like to rq debunk that whole 'it's the manufacturering date' thingy. It has been comfirmed that that is his AGE.

Another thing is that in my mind (this os a headconnon, I'm not forcing it), Biograft has the mentality of an animal. Yes, he can talk, but do y'all remember that monkey from Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs (well, I hope you do, or else this point may not land)? That monkey could 'talk', but would it be okay to ship it with a grown man? No. It would not be. Then again, this is just my personal thoughts on the matter of how Biograft thinks.

Something else is that Biograft can't think for himself. It would basically be like a s3x doll if you tried to get freaky with him, if you know what that is, except it can speak, and, if I'm being honest, would be trying to fight back/escape if powered. Even if it isn't sexual, it is kinda weird, to me at least. Even if Biograft isn't sentient, he is programmed to FIGHT, not to fvck, and not to love. The closest thing it can do to any of that is probably comfort, seeing as Subspace cries to his Biografts, but even that doesn't show that it can express/accept love.

Now, even if you don't agree with the idea that Biograft had the mentality of his age or of an animal, he most likely does think like a minor, at least, even if more aggressive and refined. Subspace, who created the Biografts, sees them as his CHILDREN, not just his soldiers/bodyguards. Along with that, Biograft is clearly still learning about the world around him, if you look through his dialogue. He may not act like a three year old, but he certainly doesn't act like an adult, at least not to an extent at which I find okay to consider him to think like one.

Last thing, and the main reason i dislike this. It has been openly expressed that Soda (if I remember correctly) is uncomfortable with this. We, as a community, need to respect the creator and their personal wishes with how we treat their characters. It isn't really a matter of how we feel at this point, it's of being a healthy, respectable community. That's all, please don't come after me, I'm just sharing my personal opinions. If you have a crush on, sexually charged emotions towards, or ship Bipgraft, whatever. It's not like it's the absolute worst thing in this fandom.

I just think it's a bit odd. I'm not here to fight or say you're a pedo/zoophile/whatever else y'all have come up with, I just want to point out why people say that you're in the wrong when you tell them that 'I'm into Biograft' or 'I ship Bio with ____'. They're not sensitive, they're giving their opinions, just like you're giving yours.

-- 🌒 anon

.

[bunnidid-reviews]

is it frowned upon to wish that one could dissociate or have an alter take over in moments that are awful and stressful? genuine question

Hmmm, this blog is really more intended on reviewing and sharing media about complex dissociative disorders, or could easily be related to CDDs. Certainly not an advice blog for this or anything else > < I think any more general questions about DID can be forwarded to @sundropglass (main blog) if at all, just to stay on topic here.

But since you asked, I may as well share my perspective a little bit. I urge you to read it all.

Of course it's something anyone would want. Shut off and let the stress be taken care of for someone else? go off to fairyland a bit? It's actually an extremely sophisticated way of functioning in the midst of trauma; tuck it away, get through the thing that you might otherwise feel like you're dying from.

But where does that stress go?

Say that you had a very stressful day. Maybe one thing after another kept going wrong. And all day, there was absolutely nothing you could do because you had to carry on with a smile on your face and act like everything's fine, while more dismays pile on top of you. Maybe on top of that, you end up having an argument with a loved one and now you have social anxiety and no sense of safety or relief.

This is not out of the norm. People live very stressful lives all the time. It builds up though, all that stress is piled into your immune system if you don't have any release.(Expressing emotions in a healthy manner) It comes out in the ways that maybe you get ill, or spend all day in the bathroom, or get a migraine. This is what we call the body keeping the score (a book I should read tbh). What the mind doesnt handle(dissociates from), the body will.

This is what people with CDDs regularly go through. Trauma = stress that's beyond your range of coping. Chronic trauma means chronic stress, just stored away in pockets upon pockets where its never dealt with until much later in life. This is why I don't think I know a single system who doesn't have some sort of chronic health issues. The initial trauma may not have killed them, but maybe the health issues that come from all this chronic stress might just finish the job.

This isn't even addressing what the disorder implies mentally.

Look up the symptoms of PTSD, look into personality disorders, attachment disorders, anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation. Any trauma-based symptoms could come with a CDD, because there's nearly nothing special at all about DID or OSDD. They're not sectioned off 'incredible' disorders as much as media or people on the internet will imply. We are normal people who have been hurt. A lot.

We have this disorder because no one came to save us, so we had to turn to ourselves, sometimes at an extremely young age. There's no measuring the amount of hurt it takes for a young child to feel this alone.

Going off this ask alone, but because you wish you could dissociate to such the intensity as you're suggesting, tells me that you haven't actually. Daydreaming or spacing out is a very minor case of dissociation, but the level at which you're having alters would imply that you're hoping to dissociate much further than you actually think you want. Do you not want to recognize your own spouse, or be completely unable to be present in the best moments of your life? This doesn't shut off when you're happy again.

Say fine fine fine, yes yes yes to all of this, you could deal, because at least you'd be another person who would bear the responsibility for you.

I hate to tell you this, but that's not how alters work. They are, at the end of the day, still part of you. They don't magically whisk away all this stress they face, they'd still hold onto it, be strongly effected by it, and you're a lot more likely to have the same stress come back over and over again and go unprocessed because of the fragmentation involved.

If it's to ease off some of the responsibility of being yourself, then.. Well that's not what happens with DID either. Those of us with a CDD tend to feel overly responsible for everything around us, actually. It's not the escape you're hoping for.

In a short answer: Yes it is very believable to want this disorder, to want alters. That's understandable even!

But I'm also going to say this is frowned upon. There is a LOT more to these disorders than some spacing out and some cool characters. I hope you can understand a little more why this mentality is frowned upon; no one who has it actually wants it when it comes down to it

BUT i HAVE GOOD NEWS FOR YOU ANON!! Please listen

It's okay to want to be someone else to get through the stress. It's even okay to turn off your brain and space out. These are natural human things. Just.. They don't have to be a disorder. There are some recommendations for coping that aren't hoping to have a CDD, but might suit you if you struggle with this:

Try to analyze your life and see what it is that's causing you so much stress that it makes you want to not exist in such a way. If you're in a bad environment that you can't change, there are still little things you can do to make it better for yourself

Are there things you CAN change? Maybe you can look into getting professional help or finding a new job, or even so much as regularly tidying up the space you're in

Look up coping mechinisms and grounding techniques

Take breaks and let yourself really unwind. Read a book or go outside and look at clouds or something until you feel calm. I promise this feels way better than dissociation

Fun Coping Tools That Feel Like What You Want Out Of Dee Eye Dee:

create a story in your head. If you come up with a world all your own to explore, it feels like having an inner world

Create original characters you can "be". By this I mean be imaginative like when we were all kids. >>Here's a really cool version of what adults can do if 'playing pretend' seems too childish for you<<

Have some staring out a window time. Just let your mind go for a bit

None of this has to be disordered to be helpful, and have nearly the same effect that you're hoping for.

If you are at a point where you want to not exist for suicidal reasons, I really urge you to get some help. There's always someone who wants you to be around, even if thats some time in the future.

[kuramirocket]

thank you for providing resources in your reply regarding the members of a toxic group

I was in fandoms before the proship label was invented, and when the harassment first began to make waves in both the VLD and yuri on ice fandom, I thought that it was… pointless

not because proshippers are wrong or something but because the other side has convinced themselves that we’re bad. Any civil attempt of discussion with rebellious teenagers like that isn’t going to work

I’ve always stood for blocking and not engaging. Wasting time on toxic people like that would just bring me down. So yes, I completely agree, they should not be harassed. It’s just unfortunate that their harassment and stalking and endangering of themselves is not seen as a problem here

Then again after the nsfw purge (was also here when it happened) the atmosphere here changed. Tumblr is not safe for queer people anymore, and especially not queer kids

For anyone curious, here is the first ask regarding this conversation.

Yeah, I've also been in fandoms long before proship and anti proship became a thing. I've been active in fandoms since I was 12, currently I'm 28. I remember a time when ship and let ship was the norm. Sure, flame and ship wars existed, but because people fought over what ship was better, typically. Not because of some morality outrage.

And pretty much yup. Not even just teenagers, but adults also will not see reason when they are firm in their thoughts and opinions. Especially, when a person thinks they are in the right. This group of antis, specifically, think they are warriors of justice out to protect fandoms and children. They've essentially said it themselves and created a whole group to be on the 'look out" and make posts of people, usually proshippers, to block. They say it's so both sides won't interact, but regardless they continue responding to any hate they get rather than just blocking and moving on. Unfortunately, far too many proshippers also do this of not simply blocking.

I know proshippers are annoyed and frustrated with antis spreading misinformation and sometimes outright lying about what proshipping means and wanting to at least inform them of the correct definition even if antis don't change their stance, but even this; they will react with hostile aggressiveness or at best say you are lying. I've tried in the past to be polite with antis and explain this too, but they will not listen to even this. So, if they plug their ears to a simple definition, they will hardly listen to anything else even with so much information saying fiction does help victims and is a healthy coping mechanism, fiction does not cause people to commit deplorable crimes in the way they fear because usually people who were inspired by fiction were already predisposed and/or mentally ill to begin with.

So yes, I also agree that it is best to block every single anti on sight and not engage with them at all. At this point, I only explain what proshipping is to people who genuinely ask.

I think, proshippers should just continue to make any creative work they wish and make their own posts on their own blogs if they want, explaining that what you create/consume doesn't equal condoning something or wanting to replicate it in real life.

As for the 'impressionable' minors fear that antis have, again, like I've said, just spread awareness to real warning signs and internet safety. This is how you keep minors safe online by providing them with valid information by professionals and not yelling 'pedos' at everyone.

And yeah. It's very unfortunate that anti minors are stalking, harrassing and messaging complete strangers who they don't know if they are actually dangerous. Or worse, they are still doing this while thinking someone is a predator and still engaging anyway.

Tumblr is a 17+ rated app or at least it used to be. Now it's been lowered to 13+ which is a real shame. It's made this entire situation worse.

And worse still that it's queer poc who are virture signaling and calling other queer poc pedophiles. Exactly like evangelical republican conservatives do, hence why so many proshippers call them purists.

But anyways, best to just ignore antis, especially this specific group. They won't be reasoned with. Don't harrass them and don't engage with them.

[achronicmess]

Because You Can’t See It

TW: This post deals with chronic illness and its impact on mental health, specifically my personal experiences in this context.

You can’t see it. Most people would probably describe me as a dynamic, positive, and cheerful person. Because you can’t tell by looking at me that I’m sick. And often, I almost forget myself how much I deal with every single day. I usually go through life smiling because my illnesses are part of me, but they don’t define me. And even though I struggle, there’s no reason for me to treat those around me poorly. Often, I even feel really good, but then a day like today comes along, and all my positivity seems to vanish.

Yesterday, I was full of energy and drive, checking off my to-do list without any problems. Today, the world looks different. My alarm rings at 8 a.m. There’s so much to do; I absolutely have to keep working on my term paper. But just before 11 a.m., I’m still lying in bed. This time, it’s a migraine. My head is pounding, the light seems to stab through my eyes into my brain, poking around in there. I feel so nauseous that I try to stop myself from throwing up by doing breathing exercises. I know I should eat something to feel better, but I can’t get anything down. I can’t even touch my coffee. I’ve been lying here for almost three hours now, focusing on my breathing and thinking about all the things I need to get done today. At 11 a.m., I finally drag myself into the bathroom, hoping a hot shower will help. But I don’t even make it to the shower. I feel so sick that I just sit down on the bathroom floor. Breathe, I tell myself. Inhale, exhale, don’t panic. But as I sit here next to the dryer on the floor, I feel unbelievably pathetic. Here I am again. I feel terrible, and once again, my body is failing me, as it so often does. I break down in tears. Great, now I’m sitting here crying on the bathroom floor, and from this point, my thoughts spiral.

It’s always the same. It starts with “Why?”. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Why is my body so fragile? Why can’t I just be healthy? Be normal? Why me? I sink into self-pity and hate myself for it because there are people who have it so much worse than I do. But the thoughts won’t stop. I feel like a failure. Weak, because I can’t even get through a simple day. Because I so often can’t meet my responsibilities. Because I neglect my friends, cancel plans, and can’t stick to deadlines. Because my studies are dragging on. Because I can’t establish routines. And all of this is just because my body is attacking itself from the inside, can’t protect me on the outside, and gets overwhelmed by stress. I’m young, and I have many goals I want to achieve in life, but on days like this, I just wish I didn’t exist at all.

After half an hour, I finally manage to get into the shower, hoping my meds will start working soon. I decide to leave my tasks for the day aside and just go back to bed until I feel better. I know I’ll beat myself up tomorrow for not getting anything done. For being unproductive and pushing my tasks off. Even though, deep down, I know it’s not my fault. That it’s important to take care of my health and myself on days like this. That my fragile body is part of me, and I have to accept it. That I’ve become who I am today because of my situation. That my illnesses have made me a strong person. That I am strong.

But the only person telling me that is myself. And it’s not always easy to believe it. From others, I hear things like: “But you look so fit,” “You have diabetes? But you’re so slim!” “You have rheumatoid arthritis? But you’re so young!” “Oh, stop complaining. Wait until you get to my age.” “Why are you always so tired? You’re still young and full of energy.” “Another vacation? You hardly work as it is.”

And no matter how much I know these people are wrong, that they’re ignorant and have no right to judge, I internalize these things. So I feel guilty when I call in sick. I feel bad when I have to cancel appointments. I feel incompetent because I can’t handle everyday tasks like a healthy person can. And I’m afraid of being judged. Afraid of being seen as unreliable or lazy. Even though I’m doing my best.

I don’t want pity from others, but what I do wish for is understanding and recognition. For me and for all the other people who are struggling with chronic illnesses. There’s so much more to it than just the illness. It’s a huge mental burden. Especially in a society so focused on performance. We give everything we can, but to keep up, we have to give so much more than a healthy person.

But no one sees that. Because you can’t see it.

October 18, 2024

[raphaelapproves]

Today, focus was a precious commodity and I ended up behind at work so did not get the chance to post the conversation as promised.

But now, here we are, the "conversation"--and I do use that term loosely--that I had with an Astarion girlie.

Allow me to set the scene.

This happened on a video where a streamer was, I assume, HORRIFIED to find that if she just self-insert played the game with answers she would give--SHOCK!--Gale was the companion who liked her the most. I can't imagine why.

Anyway, the comments section was the predictable Gale-bashing. Some in good fun. Most of it not. And I'm me, so I just couldn't help myself, because I see too much of my younger self [ who still tried to engage with people and connect but didn't know how ] in Gale, so I responded to a couple of comments. This was the one that prompted this little meeting of the... well, one mind and then whatever the other person was operating with. Must have been a different Operating System, because it sure didn't make sense to me.

It is below the cut, as are my thoughts because it turned into a long post as, apparently, I had many thoughts.

Astarion Girlie [ henceforth AG ]: THEN HE CAN GO SUCK OFF LETTO II ON ARRAKIS CUZ I AM NOT HERE FOR GALE'S SEXIST A$$ 😤

Me: First: how is Gale sexist? Second: and yet you're okay with Astarion [ NOTE: the username had something to do with what Astarion could do for them, so I made an educated guess ] who is canonically racist, knowingly lured people to their deaths, and was fine with condemning the world for himself???

AG: are you serious??? 🤣 Gale mansplains EVERYTHING to the women around him including magic to other magic-user, uses coercion as a flirting tactic, & slvt-shames Tav if you're romancing someone else.

Me: Wow. There is so much wrong with that. 1) Tell me you don't have an autistic friend without telling me. 2) He explains to EVERYONE not just women. 3) Genuinely? What coercion? 4) He just tells you -- He isn't for an open relationship [ says he wishes you had asked him first which is y'know healthy? ] and asks you to choose, then says he wishes you well if you don't choose him.

AG: have you considered touching grass?

Me: This is such an intelligent rebuttal. Brava! So insightful and useful to a debate. Have you considered maybe listening to others without belitting them because you can't have a friendly discussion?

AG: 1) all of my friends are auDHD and so am i. you're an ableist joke. 😘 2) now you're gale-splaining his sexism 😂 3) i'm not interested in continuing with someone as clearly unwell as you are, bye!

Me: I AM autistic, friend. 2) It's not sexism if he's literally explaining his special interest to EVERYONE regardless of sex. 3) Again, quite mature. Thank you. 👏👏👏

I am just. How??? can anyone be so ??? I do not even have a word for it. It baffles me.

Astarion has canonically done terrible things, would canonically do many even more terrible if not swayed from it, and yet Gale??? is the one with whom they have a problem??? And they can't even logic their own argument???

As someone who is autistic and has been a victim of continued mental and emotional abuse from someone who always wanted to play the victim card and as someone who was always given the excuse "well they're not well and you know it, so you just have to deal with it and don't argue" when they're going out of their way to make your life hell and trying to frame you as their own personal villain, up to and including gaslighting you to the point of nearly two decades of depression, making you feel like you were broken and the worst human being in the world, and having you contemplating things you shouldn't, and them lying to others about things that happened or things that were said to get you in trouble, I get very, very tired of the mentality I see so much around the crazed Astarion Girlies of excusing everything he has ever done and being unable to even acknowledge a single flaw and attacking anyone who does say anything.

I have and continue to live that, have been and continue to be on the other side of it having to suffer because someone else wasn't held accountable, and I am Tired. [ At least now, thanks to my best friend in the entire world, I can see it for what it is and I'm in at least a better place now mentally, 98% of the time. ]

[ NOTE: This is NOT against the Astarion writers I have seen on here. Please do not misunderstand. The Astarion writers I follow on here are the only reason I can still even marginally like the character at this point. He is fascinating. He is multi-faceted. It's one of the things I love to see explored by those who I follow. It is always interesting to see people write complex and even morally difficult characters because that, too, is a form of understanding humanity. It's one of the things I love exploring with my anti-heroes and villains. In Baldur's Gate, that would include characters like Raphael, Gortash, Dirge, etc. So please know I am not hating on any Astarion writers! Everyone I follow is amazing! ]

But when you bring up those character flaws and morally difficult things that does make the character so complex and multi-faceted, these are the responses you get:

Astarion is a victim!

Yes, that is true. But Gortash who, let's be honest, at least doesn't fully know what he's doing is wrong [ you pass the insight checks and what not/narration tells you/the VA tells you that he thinks he's doing the right thing for himself and for the city, etc. and with the way he was raised, what example did he have to the contrary but I've already gone on that rant HERE ] is to the smallest degree even less culpable in my mind than Astarion, and he doesn't get a pass the way Astarion does? And he certainly shouldn't. He isn't absolved. He is doing terrible things whether he can fully rationalize it or not with his understanding of life.

Astarion though, acknowledges on multiple occasions, gives excuses, justifies his actions at every turn while still knowing that what he's doing and planning to do is wrong. And it's heavily implied that he really wasn't all that great of a person BEFORE Cazador either [ that is not to say that he deserved what happened either, just to clarify ]. But the point is Astarion did, at one point, having come from what seems an affluent family, have a knowledge of right and wrong and still made decisions that he made, even before Cazador and after once he was free.

Cazador made him do those things! Yes, he did, but that excuse stopped the moment Cazador's control was no longer an issue. He had free will and a knowledge of right and wrong, and he made the decisions he made.

But it was a habit by then! It was what he learned to survive!

And that coupled with the knowledge of right and wrong goes only so far as the moment you choose to knowingly make your trauma someone else's. Cazador wasn't going to force him to do the Ascension ritual and pay 7,000 souls for his own betterment. "Because after 200 years of SHIT, PURE SHIT, I think I deserve better." A paraphrase, but I think I caught the most important parts. He knew it was wrong, he acknowledges it and immediately tries to justify himself, and is still quite willing to do it. Literally, if he kills you by draining your blood, he acts like nothing ever happened and then tries to sweep it under the rug with Tav if they continue to be upset about it by telling them there's no reason to be.

And yet, we have a problem with Gale, who can be or come across as condescending at times, but I think you can hardly call a man sexist who made his girlfriend his entire personality--since she was the goddess of his SPECIAL INTEREST--and continues to put her word above even his own life, prioritize her forgiveness over his continued existence and who takes such great interest in literally everything Lae'zel has to say about the Astral Plane and her people. We have a problem with a man who is honest about his comfort zone? Who loves your PC even if you become a mindflayer? Who only takes issue with you when you do something morally bad? Who literally gives you approval points for anything even remotely resembling a good choice? Who feels like he doesn't even deserve a place in the world and would gladly give himself up for any one of his companions?

He's always harassing me for items!!!! AND HE GOT MAD WHEN I WOULDN'T GIVE THEM TO HIM!!!

The count is THREE and you can give the man the most trash items you have and he still thanks you and tells you that he will repay your kindness because he knows what such sacrifice means. He is thanking you--just as he gets mad at you if you don't--because he literally has a ticking bomb in his chest that would kill not only HIM if it de-stabilized and exploded, but also anyone within the vicinity.

Well he betrayed Mystra!!!

He tried to get on equal footing with someone he loved, to share in something he loved with the person who embodied it. Was he overly ambitious? Absolutely. [ And honestly, tell me it's not Gifted Kid Syndrome -coded to assume that he could do this impossible thing. ] Did it cost him? Yes. And then Mystra, who could have fixed it and didn't cast him off. And he still prayed to her. And took all of the blame on himself, despite the fact that Mystra shares more than a little responsibility for what transpired. [ I.E. all of the Origin PCs have been victims in this game, in some way or another, and some if not all of them to power imbalances in relationships. Why does anyone think Gale is the one exception? ]

HE'S MANSPLAINING TO ME!!!

He is literally telling you all about his special interest and probably assuming that you don't know much about it, or at least not as much as him, because he was literally a Chosen of Mystra and an Archmage. Again, can he be condescending and huffy at times? Yes. He absolutely can. Call it a character flaw. Everyone has them, but you know what? His doesn't condemn anyone to death, so why are we up at arms?

HE DOESN'T WANT ME TO SEE OTHER PEOPLE!!!

And that is his prerogative and he's straightforward and honest with you about it. He tells you--if you already started flirting with or seeing someone--that he wishes you had the courtesy to tell him first [ which, IS IN FACT the healthy way to go about a relationship of that nature, just as shown with Halsin insisting you ask your partner first ]--but if you choose the other person, he wishes you both well, usually gives some compliment to the other person, and then continues to treat you well as long as you weren't rude and demeaning to him during or after the fact.

So why???? Is so much of the fanbase SO AGGRESSIVELY against Gale? But Astarion is uwu Babygirl and can do no wrong? What about defending Gale makes me "so unwell", but how DARE anyone rightfully criticize even the smallest thing about Astarion because [ insert extensive list of reasons why none of that should matter ].

That he is a victim, that he's pretty, that his VA has a great voice and personality, et cetera, does not excuse that Astarion has knowingly done terrible things both against and within his will and will do so again without hesitation if he helps him, particularly if your Durge or Tav doesn't try or manage to sway him.

Make this make sense to me, because I certainly cannot seem to make it do so.

I've said it before with that Gortash post I linked above and I said it on a similar post for Zevlor and somewhere that I was talking about Minthara and Nere, but the double standards within a loud portion of this fanbase--even within the game itself and among the people who worked on it--is not one of its better qualities.

[linabirb]

blorbo Haruka, Muu, Mahiru, Naomi, Asahi and Reina! :D

thank you for sending them aurora <3

(putting them under the cut bc lots of text)

"haruka is so cute!!" "haruka is so silly!!" NO!!! NO PEOPLE ARE WRONG ABOUT HIM!!! i could talk for hours about how people infantilize milgram men but i don't want to get eaten alive. i like haruka in a way that's different from how most people like him bc i actually WANT HIM TO GET WORSE. i want him to GO INSANE. go CRAZY even. he's been portrayed (by the fandom) as a cute little baby for too long and i say that as someone who (just like 99.9% of the fandom) finds him relatable that is wrong and also. so so messed up considering that the guy is obviously not the most mentally stable prisoner. like hey guys.. why are we going "I NEED TO ADOPT HIM" at a guy who sees a 16 y/o girl as his mother.. just a thought.. anyway can't wait for his t3 mv <3 im not really a huge fan of his songs bc they sound too similar to me and they're just kinda. meh like i prefer his covers but i really hope his guilty verdict song will be something different.

muu actually was one of my least faves when i first got into milgram for personal reasons, but as i got to learn more about her. okay this is me actually (except i've never bullied anyone and i tend to blame myself for literally everything that happens in the world). again i love her in a way similar to haruka, like i don't want her to get better, i hope she gets worse actually. WANTING TO SEE YOUR FAVES HAPPY IS OVERRATED I NEED TO SEE HER BITE EVERYONE I NEED TO SEE HER COVERED IN BLOOD I NEED TO SEE HER BURN THE PRISON DOWN OR SOMETHING!!!

MAPPI!!!!! ONE OF THE FEW MILGRAM PRISONERS THAT I ACTUALLY WANT TO GET BETTER!!! yes she is so so cute and so so squishy but i also really do think that she's such a deep and well-written character, like her having a very sheltered background, her not really knowing how real relationships work and focusing more on the ones from literature, movies and other media, giving so much love to her bf that she literally ended up killing him, but it still doesn't seem like she wants to change her ways.. OH MAHIRU SHIINA!!!! i wish people could talk more about those parts of her character rather than her simply being cute.. but anyway yeah she's inno to me <3 (even though one specific theory really scares me and i don't think it will be confirmed and i hope it doesn't bc if it does that will mean that mahiru literally did something that i've personally had to deal with and what i am so so scared of BUT STILL. SHE'S INNO TO ME!!!)

oh asahi yano.. the most evil 12 year old ever.. /j it's actually amane according to the fandom (her innocent vote should've been higher.) also oh god he's going to be 13 this year i'm going to cry. asahi is honestly one of my fav characters to write! he's really fun bc i can literally just make him say whatever and it won't be ooc. like yes he absolutely can say the most offensive stuff without thinking (or with a lot of thinking) but he also can be so sweet and not even realize it!! like he actually loves miki so so much and his relationship with kei in t3 will be really cute i think.. i wonder if it really is possible for him to have a future that's happy and bright.. or any future really..

naomi chiba you are so so weird and so so dangerous and so so evil but i love you so much. there is literally no hope for her. no one can fix her. it's like. if shun's problem is that he just really needs someone to love him in a healthy way and help him slowly recover or at least learn to cope with his mental issues, then how do we solve naomi's problem? just make all children disappear or what? MAYBE she would get better with REALLY intense therapy and learning to heal her inner child, but i just. can't see her agreeing to smth like that. at least maybe she'll go down in a cool and also terrifying way.. i love her as a character but i think she's terrible as a person and that she will only continue to get worse no matter what the guards choose.

reina.. my silliest daughter.. my saddest clown.. i love reina, maybe i don't find her as fun as some of my other characters (though i honestly don't have any faves), but her character also feels very refreshing bc it's like. FINALLY someone who is somewhat sane. it also feels nice to write a character who actually tries to understand what's going on and tries to rebel even though i really like how one of the main themes of linagram is how all these people COULD try to solve the secrets of milgram but.. they just won't. they just accepted it. like that's so scary to me. but oh well.. im afraid reina won't get rewarded for her efforts anytime soon. honestly she'll most likely get punished for it.

[linagram]

Lina... Update me on your thoughts of t2 Akio x Ichiro, Aimi x Akane, and Kei x Daisuke? :D

just this HDJJSJKDKKSKS

but okay okay more thoughts under the cut <3

the mental image of akio and ichiro discussing their crimes is still so funny to me. ichiro tells akio the truth about his crime and akio realizes that ichiro's motive was actually a LOT more sympathetic and he's like ". oh no. oh NO" and ichiro is like "so uh. what about your crime" and akio is like "why should i tell you. get out" (bonus if akio was the one who suggested talking about their crimes)

but also. the implications that both akio and ichiro didn't completely hate their victims and actually liked them in some way. sobs... ("why akio calls chise by his first name" well WHY do you think he calls him that)

t2 akio and t2 ichiro bonding over their pain. sobs again

would love to know how ichiro would've reacted to akio's suicide attempt especially considering that something like that is just.. not what you would expect from someone like akio? bro really got rejected by his crush and went "okay. guess i'll die" /lh i wonder what would ichiro think about riku too?

something about ichiro seeing his victim vs akio seeing his victim is so. like. yes this is more t3 but can we talk about how ichiro sees his victim as someone who cries without his attention and immediately smiles again when ichiro actually does pay attention to him. can we talk about how akio sees chise as someone who would try to get his revenge and kill him (though it wasn't actually a ghost of chise, but rather akio hallucinating and hurting himself in the process) and sees him in his t2 mv as someone who just silently watches his execution. an implication of ichiro possibly being a good older brother. an implication of akio actually feeling guilty and thinking that chise would be mad at him. can we

HHHHHHH I WOULD LOVE TO TALK ABOUT T3 AIMI X AKANE BUT. GOTTA KEEP THINGS SECRET FOR NOW. but it's fascinating to me because it's like.. aimi would stop talking to most prisoners but she would still continue talking to akane. she knows that her brother probably wouldn't like akane that much but he's no longer here, so who cares, right? oh, but akane better still be careful around her. one wrong word and aimi will stare at her and go "ahaha, come on, akane-chan, friends don't talk like that <3"

if aimi ever learned about akane's crime, she would be very understanding and she would actually admire her a lot and say that her father got what he deserved. and then she would go "haha, so our crimes are actually very similar!^^" it's okay, akane, just continue thinking that she's talking about her classmates. her relationship with her brother was so healthy and normal, trust her.

it also breaks me to think about how akane's case is more "obvious", like you can clearly tell what kind of person her father was, it's hard not to sympathize with her and all, meanwhile aimi's case is much harder to understand. she mentioned her brother in her first interrogation and she said that she likes spending time with him. she claims to have a good relationship with her family. it seems like her classmates were her only problem. and then she casually mentions that her brother's dead and implies that she killed him. and then she calls him a freak during her second interrogation and says he wouldn't let her live a normal life. girl do you wanna talk about it

also akane having really bad problems with money and aimi secretly being a rich girl and both of them still being bullied, just for different reasons. i wish i could say "if only they have met each other before milgram" but honestly.. i don't think akane would've liked the person aimi was before milgram. there really was a reason why her classmates hated her so much (to be honest, they were more.. afraid of her, actually).

something about aimi still acting so nice to akane while hiding the truth about her past and her plans for the future is so. HHHHHH. like yes, she will go "akane-chan, do you want to hang out? :D" or "akane-chan, thank you so much for helping me with akio-kun!". yes, she also hates almost all prisoners now. yes, she's planning to do something to them. just don't worry about it, okay, akane?^^

imagine t2 kei and t2 daisuke talking about their crushes before milgram. kei listens to daisuke and then he's like "woah ryuto sounds really cool! now check this out" and shows him a photo of ruka (don't ask why he has one) all beaten up and covered in blood. what would daisuke's reaction be. what would daisuke's reaction to kei and ruka's whole relationship be actually. imagine you're t2 daisuke and you have to listen to kei talking about how his bf likes to think he's a walking corpse.

hold on i have to put the image of daisuke seeing the way kei is treated by shun and eiko and still walking away and kei looking at him and trying to ask him for help or get his attention (but like "oh daisuke hi!! long time no see!! i know we've seen each other like ten minutes ago, but- hey! hey come on buddy, i'm talking to you! hey that's really rude!") but failing into your head real quick

this probably wouldn't be possible but them watching each other's mvs is still such an interesting concept to me. though it's also really funny to me because daisuke would probably be. at least a little bit surprised to see kei like that, meanwhile kei would be like "wow that was cool :0". that's it. that's the only reaction you're getting from him daisuke.

something about the way daisuke and kei think about their jobs is so interesting to me. if i'm not wrong and my memory is not being weird, daisuke was seen kind of as a softie, right? and i wouldn't say that he was like. a huge fan of his job. meanwhile kei was both good as a "normal" photographer and whatever he was doing for his dad's friend and he liked doing both things as well. (fun fact: even kei's boss thought he's weird, since his boss wasn't really that sadistic and mostly did it for the money)

this is mostly about t1 daisuke and t1 kei but i still think it's funny how if daisuke asked if kei wants to smoke with him, kei would say yes instantly but he also would look like he's NOT having a good time throughout the whole thing and would also look like he doesn't even know what he's doing. and he would also go "ahaha oh i'm just. more into vaping haha" while thinking "I HATE BOTH OF THESE THINGS". oh btw kei also has an alcohol-related trauma. never let him interact with noa please

[beepboo5]

I've been feeling a bit lonely lately, I really love my friends but sometimes it feels as tho i can't really connect with them, I'm a bit too scared to share what I feel or think. I don't want to be a burden, and I'm also very boring as a person. I don't think I have much to offer, but I want to be closer to them, they've been nothing but kind and caring with me and I can't do the same. I'm always convinced that they either hate me or are indifferent to me. I isolate myself to avoid dealing with all of these thoughts, but I think im just making it worse. I've been isolating myself since 2017, no friends or just the bare minimum / whoever stuck with my mental health issues for whatever reason. But, even with those who stuck, I stopped speaking regularly, basically ghosted them - tho it wasn't my intention - and now I finally made new friends but I feel unable to connect with them, even if I really want to.

And sometimes when they're really kind my mind starts depending on them and I start replaying stuff they said and I get obsessed with them and I get even more scared of saying something wrong, and I also realize my obsessing over friends isn't healthy, so I isolate even more and socialize sparingly whenever I feel like im loosing my mind from too much being alone, but that also makes it worse... hehe...

I wish my mind would stop, but I have no one to talk to about this. I feel so lonely, in two weeks im going to have to go back to my parents' house for 10 days or so to take care of some stuff and I dont want to see my father again. I want to disappear. Im a shit daughter a shit friend a shit person and I cant even make myself feel better, when I go back my mental health gets even worse. Im in therapy, I journal, im trying to make friends and Im trying my best in everything and even tho my best is not that good, why cant it just stop for a day? Even when I dont see my father it's in my head It's been years since I left why does this never end And i start to think maybe it was my fault, I should've done better. Maybe if I was someone else nothing would've happened and I feel like im the one who ruined my mum and my brother If only i had been stronger, instead I made it worse. If only my brother didnt see me at my worst maybe now he wouldn't struggle with mental health issues like me Thinking back, I don't know how im still here now, it feels suffocating. But I have to go back... and my loneliness is getting even worse now. I feel so alone

[dragonfyre-creations]

I don't think I've ever poured so many of my physical attributes and so much of my heart and soul into a character design before in such a personal way before so fuck it whenever I finish the final design for Faeng and whatever I come up with I'm making her into my sona (dragonsona? Persona? Idk how this works lmfao)

(long dump in the tags and under the cut)

The last time I was even remotely connected this much to a character was when I designed Jaxsu, but honestly never truly made her my sona/main character, she was just the one I used most often in art pieces. I never really actually liked her lore and backstory enough because she was what I wanted to be instead of what I am/was. Jax isnt perfect either, but her parents love her and otherwise has friends and is loved unconditionally. She has a healthy relationship with everyone and everything. This is where the disconnect happened and where I actually started to dislike her despite her being my otherwise favorite character for awhile. Both Faeng and Jaxsu have ADHD and Autism but Jaxsu was able to put that towards a job and becoming a ship captain and winning a colosseum tournament. She's done all of these great things so even if she didn't have a healthy relationship with her parents they'd still love her because she's done something impressive and useful.

Faeng on the other hand, has to fight for everything. Her parents are important and have important jobs, and place all of these unreachable and unrealistic expectations on her and expect her to reach them with minimal effort and be perfect, but she can't no matter how hard she tries. She needs someone to explain it and break it down for her in steps so she understands what do to and how to do it so she doesn't mess it up. She's both strong and smart but it's not in practical "normal" ways or subjects. It's convoluted, It's not in the ways everyone wants her to be, she has no teachers to help her understand how to channel that strength and intelligence into something "useful" so she puts it towards the things she likes and wants to do, and thus struggles in a world that would otherwise be easy to navigate and conquer if she were "normal". Those that do understand her and try to help her are alienated by other people in an attempt to either punish both of them or force her to adapt to be somewhat passing as normal, if not then at least listen to what she's told to do. She does eventually make acquaintances but find that her twisted speech and weird explanations aren't worth trying to decipher and understand so they leave, they don't put in the effort to meet her halfway even though she's struggling and doing her best to speak in a way they'll understand.

Her parents acknowledge her differences but in a way that frames it as flawed and wrong, something that needs to be corrected, and push her to figure out her problems by herself, tearing down any support network she tries to build. She tries her damned hardest but it's not enough, it never is and never will be for them because she's not the perfect child they wanted. She showed promise in her younger years being a "gifted child" so she knows what love and acceptance lies in wait and what could be if she could just be normal and perfect. Her achievements and promise come and show in waves. She burns and fizzles out in one of the most virulent, painful ways possible after getting hurt trying to prove her worth yet again. She holds nothing but criticism, vitriol and contempt for herself because she can't claw her way back to where she was before, this time something happened and something is terribly, horribly wrong this time but she doesn't know that it is and can't figure it out, nor will anyone tell her. Whatever it is, left a mental and several physical injuries and it does nothing but deepen her self hatred and her parent's waning belief in her. She listens to false promises and praise of other people who do nothing but wish to manipulate and harm her but she stays because any form of praise is deemed good, she hungers for more and does worsening things.

She ignores the people who tell her that what she's doing is dangerous and will only end in disaster, because she doesn't believe them. If the people who are saying they're her friends are telling her that the people she hurts deserve it and that what she's doing is good, then surely she needs to believe them over strangers, right? Everything comes to a breaking point and shatters around her leaving her with quite literally nothing but her own self hatred, newfound rage and overbearing mental issues she needs to navigate once again to find out what hell it is and what's wrong with her now. She's scared of everyone and everything with the added bonus of now being hyper-aware and perceptive of people's mannerisms and behaviors, especially those who want to manipulate or harm her again. She wraps every vulnerable part of herself in metaphorical thorns and teeth to bite and maim whoever pries and digs into what she truly is, even people who want to understand her. She suffers at more than her own hand, forcing herself to deal with everything alone, until she finally meets someone that could be considered a true friend. She slowly opens up and helps them as much as they help her before everything comes crashing back down once again upon the reveal that they've been lying to her the entire time about very serious issues, and she's been used as nothing more than an attack dog once again. She burns every bridge and everyone around her in one final breakdown of rage before shutting down completely. One of the groups of friends she's shoved stay comes back and asks if she's ok. She doesn't understand why they're being kind, why they're concerned it why they care and tries to shove them away again. Every single day they still ask, talking even if there's no response from her, until she finally relents and breaks.

She's finally loved and accepted despite every fault and every flaw she has, and every time she tries to pull away out of fear of being an inconvenience they pull back twice as hard and remind her that she's able to just exist, she doesn't need to constantly be useful and that they care. She finally, finally is comfortable enough to let herself be accepted and then becomes the most clingy little shit, just as they do with her. But yeah, my own life has been very much of the same, especially the last part. Every time I go on another self-hatred spiral and drop off the face of the earth my MonHun bros give me a metaphorical slap to the face and remind me that I don't need to constantly prove my worth to everyone and prove that I'm useful, and that existing every once in awhile is more than enough. If that doesn't work then it's "you need to get your ass back over here because we're failing the Safi siege without the absolutely ridiculous amount of DPS your build Switchaxe does". I was not intending for her to be so much like me but goddamnit she's wormed her way into being my favorite now and I guess Mirage is no longer my impromptu sona

[ladiesandwitches]

"Complicated?" Scully repeated. "Complicated how?" It soon became clear, and Scully also began to see why Vivienne had been so conflicted over sharing information. If this arsonist was her friend and she also knew his mental state, the girl obviously wouldn't want to see him go to prison. "If he is mentally unsound, then a doctor will be able to prove that," Scully assured her. "But what's important is that we find him so that he won't hurt anyone else or himself."

"What do you mean he's not controlling it?" Mulder asked. "Is that his power? He can create fire, but he does it without intention, without knowing how to pull it back. Is that IT?"

"Mulder," Scully protested.

"It's the only thing that makes sense, Scully. The lack of accelerants, the lack of ignition points--"

Mulder was cut off mid-theory by Vivienne's question and Scully followed the direction of the girl's gaze to her gun.

"Yes," Scully confirmed calmly, immediately spotting an apprehension in Vivienne, a fear that most people had when faced with weapons they'd never seen so close before except on television, or conversely when they had seen them too often and knew exactly the damage they were capable of. "But it won't go off, and I'm not going to use it in here," she promised. "You're not in danger here, not from us, and you're not under arrest."

"What kind of blood is on the athame, Vivienne?" Mulder asked, his patient tone matching Scully's, the two of them a perfect pair, working seamlessly together. "Is it something non-human?"

"You're not a suspect," Scully hurried to reassure, worried that Mulder's questions, as calmly as they were posed, might be interpreted as something other than his own personal interest. "Agent Mulder and I just want to understand what happened to you, and we can only help you if we know the truth." But at Vivienne's question as to why she felt compelled to help her in the first place, Scully fell at a loss for an answer. Because she was young girl in trouble? Because she had potential connections to a serial arsonists? But neither of those reasons felt true. Because of William? Because Vivienne seemed to be so close in age to her son?

"Agent Scully has a good heart," Mulder answered for her. "And she can read people well. When she goes out of her way to help you, it's because she knows you deserve it."

If he thought that would reassure the girl and cause her to put all her worries aside, Scully immediately saw that he was proven wrong. Instead of being calmed, perhaps even trusting them enough to share a little of her story, Vivienne seemed only to protest further, talking about government agencies in a way that implied she had dealt with them before and which perhaps made her reluctance to share with Scully on therir fiest meeting a little more understanding.

"We don't work with homeland security," Scully assured her. "And our department at the FBI isn't about exposure or going to the press--

"Our department is actually a basement office," Mulder cut in. "A mixture of challenging certain organisations and working 'spooky' cases means we're not exactly held in high regard by the colleagues you seem to hate so much." Something in his voice said he was rather proud about the fact rather than resentful.

"We know what it's like to feel as if you're being used," Scully continued, her voice intimately quiet, as if the conversation was only ever to be for the three of them alone, a secret vulnerability shared in a private moment. "And to learn of covert actions of shadow governments working against you. Hurting you." Scully swallowed a little, remembering her abduction, what they did to her, the cancer, the implant she now had to have in her if she wished to remain healthy, losing Mulder, searching for him, the son she had struggled to have and been forced to give away because of his powers, knowing they wouldn't stop trying to take him. "We know how hard it is to trust again," she continued. "Often Agent Mulder and I only trust each other."

"You don't have to apologise," Mulder assured Vivienne though he had to admit it was nice to hear it regardless. "But you do have to give us a chance. We can't help you if you're not willing to accept that help."

"But in the current state of your injuries, I don't believe discharging you would help you. In fact, it could be detrimental to your recovery," Scully warned. "A significant amount of long-term injuries are caused by leaving hospital care too soon, doing more harm to the recovery than good. I won't be responsible for--"

"How about moving her?" Mulder cut in with a suggestion and Scully turned to look at him.

"To where?"

"Let me make a call," he replied, giving no further information even as he took out his cell phone and began to dial.

"Mulder--" Scully protested but he was already walking out of the room. What place could they possibly move Vivienne to that would have the facilities needed for her recovery? Even with her knowledge as a medical doctor, her care would be limited if not in the proper environment. She sighed and turned in her seat to look at the girl again. There was a silence as Scully internally fought with herself over whether or not to share something so personal, even as the words kept pushing forward in her mind.

"I had a son," she eventually volunteered, her voice almost impossibly quiet. "He'd be around your age now."

" it's complicated. " vivi breathed slowly, her mind hurriedly attempting to come up with some believable story, but the agents were real good, she had to admit that. they knew exactly which questions to ask, making vivi feel cornered. " the arsonist went mad.. " she started slowly. " you can't blame him for those assaults, he's not controlling it.. it's.. soon it'll consume him and he'll die in his own flames. "

when scully reached for the evidence bag, vivi's eyes caught a glimpse of a gun in its holster by the woman's side. for a second, she felt freezing cold, finally starting to realize what she's gotten herself into. " that thing is real ? " the only time she saw a real gun was when uncle darryl came over, but piper was very strict with the rules and didn't allow him to take the gun out in the manor, even just for show.

listening to mulder, her eyebrows rose in an honest surprise. no mortals, others than some enthusiasts, knew so much about magical items. her gaze switched to mulder, then scully, and back at him. " i am impressed. for real. " she smiled from behind the mask. so far vivi hasn't met any other FBI agents, but those two definitely sparked her curiosity. mulder was right on point.

" you're right about everything, mr mulder. " she admitted, this guy must be a true enthusiast. or a freak. " except that cop was wrong. there is blood on it.. but not the kind of blood you'd think.. "

longer pause.. she considered the best way to handle the situation. "..because this athame is a weapon.. and yes, this one is mine. i stole it from them some time ago. and i'll need it back from that bag. " she answered dana's question, gaze drifting to the evidence bag on the bedside table. right next to scully. how will she get it back... " does that make me a suspect now ? "

scully's voice indeed was calming. it was slowing her down from spiraling once again. vivi appreciated that at least her of the two of them didn't look at her with such obvious curiosity. like an item on some exhibit. " why do you want to help me ?.. " she asked scully. " you've come to see me in the hospital, this cop could've taken me off your back and you didn't let him.. even back then when we first met. no one ever gives out help for free, but you seem to care.. why ? "

when it came to trust, it was a very delicate matter. vivi was all alone, in the past where she hasn't even been born yet.. and again, future history proved many times that witches and mortal laws don't go together. even the charmed ones had been used by the government.

" trust federal agents.. do you have the same definition of trust like your colleagues from the homeland security department ? to trust you and then you write about it in your reports and the higher bosses can read about your 'discovery' and use me ? or maybe better, the press... i wouldn't be surprised if something was recording us right now.. please... i've seen it before, heard it so many times, about the ones that were forced to work with the federals. "

the stories of agent brody, agent murphy or agent keyes, that her aunts told her about. their struggles to coexist in the world where the government wanted to control everything, even what's beyond their reach or understanding. " exposure, exploitaion, blackmail.. i'm not in the mood to be the government's puppet. "

girl, stop.

that hasn't happened yet. and scully and mulder are not your enemies.

...

" i'm sorry. "

vivi breathed out quietly, allowing the emotions to calm. some truth was in the saying that the best defence is a good offence. vivi never allowed herself to show fear, masking it with irony or arrogance. " it's nothing personal, i don't have anything against the two of you. it's just.. i don't have any trust left in me and i'm tired of pulling out knives from my own back. some people are just casually cruel in the name of being honest. "

the truth was, no matter how hard vivi tried to deny it, she needed help. " if you're really here to help.. please, order them to discharge me now. they'll have to listen to you, right ? " she looked at scully and although that could've seemed like a good joke, the girl couldn't move or even take a breath without the mask, vivi was dead serious. " i'll have to find a good hiding spot until i get better. it's only a matter of time, a very short time, before they find me here. if they haven't already. "

" and i know smoking is bad.. but i truly can't help it. " she admitted. " also, there was a lighter the cops didn't find. "

[hypotheticallyimmortal]

venting feel free to ignore

okay so like mental health related vent with some semi-related other venting I'll shove it like below the keep reading thing so you don't have to see it

idk what to tag this with for tws and cws or whatever so yeah idk

talking a bit about food related mental health topics so if there's anything you wanna avoid there

also just talking about family members so you know, nothing like too bad, just fair warning for that HJSGDKFSD

so like honestly really struggling with just like food rn

and I don't really know why

I think it's at least partially because my brain often freaks out about like whether food is safe, idk why, I mean I kinda have an idea why but idk, like I don't have ocd but I do have contamination anxiety type stuff sometimes but that's a tangent

like part of it might be because I made a tumblr again, and last time I had tumblr I got pulled into like the ED side and like had an eating disorder so idk if part of it is like old feelings getting like dredged up and making it harder like compounding on that first thing

or maybe it's something physical that's messing with my appetite idk

or a mix of those things idk

a like far lesser part of it with some food might be because texture and me having asd but like that's tangential because it's stuff I can normally eat

point is struggling to eat

especially with anything that looks like it might not be right, which to my brain rn seems to be just about like most food

(haha at least my brain isn't freaking out about drinking water that always sucks, I'd prefer to not eat than not drink afterall SJHDGFJSGD)

also more tangential venting

but so like last week on easter my grandma decided to cook like some store bought vegetable lasagne and like we found a like insect in it - so that might be part of why I'm struggling because like anxiety being validated ig

so I didn't want to eat with everyone else and took my portion upstairs and I did the very normal thing that everyone else would do for sure and definitely isn't weird in the slightest of like looking through before eating it to check it was okay

(so like I'm a vegetarian right but I just wanted to double check it was a vegetable lasangne because sometimes my grandma buys like the non-vegetable lasagne and like while she wouldn't give me meat on purpose she has done it by accident multiple times before haha)

and anyway at the time I show it to my grandma right I bring it downstairs and I'm like "there's an insect in my lasagne" my grandma is like "that's just spinach, this is a reputable firm they wouldn't do something like this" and I'm like "but that's literally an insect" my grandma is like "fine we'll get the magnifying glass" ... "spinach" me: "it literally has antennae and legs" my grandma "I'll have to get <twin sibling> and <older half brother> to look at it" me: "it has antennae and legs" my grandma "oh my god it really is an insect" "<grandma's husband's name> look what <irl body name> in found <pronoun> lasagne"

like I get it I'm a bit like insane about food sometimes but I wish she would actually just fucking listen and believe me

like she also gets so upset when I ask her if something is wrong with food or like don't want to eat it, or double check that it doesn't have meat or is safe and stuff, like it's not about her why does she have to take it personally HKLSGDFKJSGDFK

also then today my mum was a bit oof about weight stuff and things haha, like I wish they weren't controlling about it, like I get I've had anorexia in the past but bro SHDGFKSHD

my mum: I'm going to tell <grandma> that you need to eat more and gain weight me: I'm pretty sure I'm a healthy weight my mum: you're looking bony me, confused: we can measure my weight right now if you're worried me: *measures weight* my mum: you're only 3kg heavier than I am and look how much taller you are me, shocked: *goes to check my bmi, and it is in the middle of the healthy weight section* so that's good kinda that I am healthy bmi ig

I feel like it's kinda fucked up my mum went to say she'd tell my grandma? like knowing that my grandma is both like oof about food and like does worry because obvs I actually did have an ed in the past

also another fucked up part was that part of me was kinda hoping my mum was right, I don't think my brain ever stopped like viewing being underweight as something I kinda wanted on some level even after getting better, like I'm not really functional enough to like move out for like multiple reasons but I've always kinda thought it's probably good I haven't because I probably would start like not eating enough again

okay anyway so also anyway

it turned into a thing tonight because I didn't really eat dinner, and my grandma got upset at me for like not eating dinner (well it was like some kind of a vegetable stew and some bread, I did manage to eat the bread at least)

and also only had a pot noodle for lunch at like 4pm

but anyway my grandma got upset about it

and also didn't eat my dinner last night because my brain said there was something wrong with the rice

and the night before that I kinda only ate half my dinner because m-

and the night before that I kinda-

anyway today tho I did eat like a whole like chocolate easter egg tonight so it's not like a like calories thing or anything, well that was on my mind when thinking about it but ehh it didn't stop me so not the issue

and I was talking to my mum about it later right (for the sake of not repeating just read below) and anyway she said I should repeat what i said to her to my grandma

so anyway I went to speak to my grandma and explained that I was struggling with eating, and that it wasn't like an anorexia thing just that I was struggling with thinking it was like safe to eat and that i didn't exactly know why I was struggling with it but yeah

so I brought up the insect thing or maybe that I was just anxious because I'm seeing a therapist on the 24th (which is the first time I'm seeing a therapist in like idk 5 years) but that I didn't know why exactly I'm struggling with food

and anyway my grandma was like "okay I get it" when I brought up the insect thing

then she went into a whole thing about how I don't have it as bad as she had it because when she was younger her siblings used to tell her things crawled over her food and that she had to stay with someone else because it got so bad for her that she had to be treated for like malnourishment

and like okay sure I don't have her experiences with like that but still like I'm struggling and ??? why is she making it into a competition

anyway so she at least did say she'd help by like trying to make food bland and stuff so I wouldn't have to worry about it which is nice but still HSDGFKSHD

honestly I go between just absolutely hating my grandma and like thinking she's okay, I lowkey wish she'd just see a therapist and work through her shit rather than like -

anyway that's a tangent but haha yeah vent :)

[nova-bos]

SHADOW WORK PROMPTS

Hello again, I decided to make and collect some prompts and store them here for others to see. I have them divided up into different topics, so I hope it makes it easier for you to find what you need.

How to Treat Yourself.

How can I be kinder to myself: mentally, physically, etc. In what ways am I subconsciously attacking myself?

What are some things you don't like about yourself, and why?

What are some personality traits / qualities you wish you had.

What are some things you love about yourself? What are some things you dislike? Why do you think you dislike these qualities?

List a few of your coping mechanisms that make you feel bad or guilty. Why do they make you feel that way? What are you using them to cope with? Is there a healthier mechanism you would be using?

When was the last time you forgave yourself?

What unhealthy attachments (things, people, feelings, habits) do you hold onto? What fears do you have around ending these attachments? What do you gain by ending these attachments?

What relationships and friendships do you have that are unhealthy? How would your life improve/change if you let them go?

Do you reward yourself when you accomplish something productive?

Do you completely accept and love yourself the way that you are?

Do you over think, and what causes this? What happens when you start to over think?

What's something you've REALLY wanted for a long time that feels out of reach to you? Why does it feel out of reach? Is it unrealistic or do you feel like you don't deserve it?

What animal(s) do you associate yourself with? What traits, positive and negative, do you associate with this animal?

Trauma & Reactions.

When was a time in your life where you opened up and felt rejected?

When was the last time you forgave yourself?

What negative emotions do you avoid? Why?

What were you like as a child?

What is the worst way someone could describe you?

What is your definition of failure? What's something you have previously failed at and how did it make you feel? How can you deal with failure in a healthy way?

How do you lie to yourself everyday? Why are you doing this and what am you trying to avoid?

How have you internalized your parents' judgement? How do you free yourself from it?

What is something you hate about your body? See if it's related to your trauma or the world around you, and why you hate it.

What are your triggers and why? What events happened to cause that trigger? Do you have any specific triggers, like a song, a movie/tv show, etc?

Did you have a good childhood? Why or why not?

What are some intrusive thoughts you've had lately? What triggered these thoughts, what do you think the root cause is?

Think of a time that you were hurt and felt you deserved it. What made you feel like that? Was it justified?

When reflecting about your childhood, what makes you extremely angry or sad to this day?

Did your parents provide you with everything you needed?

Emotions & Self reflecting.

What emotion do you try to avoid? What makes you so afraid to feel it? 

What negative emotions are you the most comfortable feeling? How often and why do these emotions show up? 

What emotions do you rarely express Infront of others? Why are you hiding these emotions? What would happen if you started expressing these emotions more? 

Are you okay with the fact that not everyone will like you? Why or why not, and how does this make you feel? 

Which behavior that you know is wrong and has negative effects do you repeat over and over again? Why do you do this? 

How long do you spend reflecting on failures and mistakes? Do you have difficulties coming to terms with them? 

Are you self deprecating, or self destructive? When, how, and why did this begin?

What are some of your toxic traits? When do they tend to show themselves? 

Name 5-10 negative beliefs you have about yourself. Where do they come from? Do they have validity? Why or why not? 

What are some things you consider "cringy"? Why do you think that? Do you associate those with someone? If it's yourself, what can you do to be nicer to your child self? 

Think about someone you hate for "no reason." What are some things about them that bother you? Do these things remind you of yourself, or someone who hurt you? 

What are some things you blame yourself for? Is it really fair to blame yourself for this, or were there other factors involved?

What is your greatest experience with confrontation? Do you find it more difficult than it should be or do you feel like you handle confrontation in a healthy way? 

When are you the most critical of yourself? Explain what your self-talk sounds like. 

What do you currently envy in someone's life, and why? 

[faithfromanewperspective]

something sexy and romantic about emotional dependence when you're a lonely teenager. I get that--this is the only person who gets me after a lifetime of searching--but it isn't healthy. breeds a fear of them leaving, dying, etc. and janus just breaks my heart really bcus we see jace doing so well in tda (emma and julian is another story) after everything that's happened to him, and to think theres another version of him out there that got there, our james and cordelia's little great-great-grandchild, who has a million things going on but thinks being with/without clary is what makes or breaks his life (it's only a catalyst with many many factors playing in).

anyway I don't think janus is romanticised. I think he exists to show the danger of being obsessed with your partner if it takes over everything else: your morals, your respect of their wishes and them as a person. (and btw, this is something we see in abusers when they try to control their partners. just an extension of something we can relate to). I hate his existence as a character. I hope he gets a redemptive arc and some healing rather than just simply being killed off like malcolm and tatiana, though honestly, and I don't say this about many people because I don't fundementally believe it to be true: I don't think his character was constructed to make us believe that he could ever be happy in this life. it was unfair for him to get where he is, for clary to ask raziel to bring him back before the worlds split just for this.

and that's the problem. because if you read it the wrong way (and who's to say there's a right way? i hope hope hope this isn't it, and a basic knowledge of humans will tell you so, but most teenagers don't have that yet) it's like 'oh clary lives=good, happy jace; clary dies=he turns evil and loses everything we know and love about jace and can never be happy again'. maybe there is some truth to the premise of that. we all need love. but romantic love isn't the be-all and end-all.

what i love about tsc is it shows really realistically in a society that deals with a lot of trauma for a job, how much quality friendships and people you can be yourself and honest around or even who simply believe the best in you and choose you in front of everyone can be wonderful for getting through things that would otherwise be just about impossible. something that our individualistic culture, and the certain capitalist narrative of how to take care of our mental health needs to hear. we see this in every parabatai or once-parabatai duo ever (okay lucelia maybe not quite you) and, yes, relationships as well. and a good relationship does help you find yourself as an individual and see yourself for how amazing you really are, because your partner can see it, and for once you can learn to internalise it. thomastair is a great example of that in both directions, but they are also definitely not in a vacuum. they are surrounded by love from friends and family. and their personalities come out as individuals, not in relation to each other, because their relationship is healthy and not obsessive and sets them both free to become the best versions of themselves.

herongraystairs kinda sits in a grey area for this one. they're all so in love that it feels like magic, and they do refer to each other as variations of they saved me, brought me hope when their was none, or joy, beauty, whatever good thing. and that's their story and they were constructed to create a story that expands our limit of how much three people can all love each other and all in different ways. classic stuff you look for in a romance story--and it's true, it is beautiful. it is magical. but you can see how someone can look at that and expect their relationship, with their partner or even parabatai, to look like that, and put so many expectations on the other person that it ultimately goes to shit. if it's reciprocated it becomes an echo chamber of sorts that spirals very quickly whichever way it goes, a positive feedback loop of sorts, because the only real thing for these people is each other (and I think this links in to why parabatai mustn't fall in love: it pushes past the limits of human connection into something more dangerous that we have the capacity for). what i think means herongraystairs works is that the love they share radiates out to those around them, that and the fact that will and jem didn't stay parabatai (i know i know it is beautiful, it was especially as teenagers when they both needed each other so much, but you could say the same about emma and jules, plus we know from both james and cordelia that will and tessa do feel their childrens pain with something somewhat bordering on emotional dependence, not that it's wrong to be empathetic--but james has lived his whole life trying to present in front of his parents however makes them happy, and they should've shown the emotional regulation to make room for him to be a child, and that does permeate into his marriage especially). the fact that will's curse got resolved and he was able to relearn how to love. and the fact that when jessa properly got together they were literally over a century old and more than able to have that intense romance not take over their identities because they'd had so long to either live as themselves or learn Silent Brother (and warlock) secrets on how to ground yourself, survive being alone, etc.

but some, like emma and jules, speaking of parabatai falling in love (plus kitty was heading in that direction) never had that opportunity. both pairs formed in a really intense and difficult time and did need each other (they also needed parents who understood their trauma and their neurodivergence). I once thought that the ending to tda might be 'the power from parabatai falling in love is what we need to defeat all these demons now our numbers are low so now here's a new rune/spell so to protect against the danger' and I'm glad cassie didn't do that. still, you can see what it could be. and both those couples we did see in a really trying time (makes for compelling stories, if not relationships to model ours off) and I think do get healthier--one when they don't have to hide or be parents while they're still children, and one after some time apart to become their own people.

and then, if it's not reciprocated? that's where you get stalkers. the crazy exes we think about (not the ones who are reacting to this kind of abusive behaviour but those who perpetrate it). at the very very best you get something like early cot james but worse, self-sacrificing but unable to be vulnerable enough to take a chance for something good happening (and yes, there's abuse that does throw in extra complexity making it not a perfect metaphor, plus he's not completely like this as he has several people he attributes the best things in his life to so it kinda balances out and the ability to survive even when they are taken away, but what i'm saying is a more 'quiet' expression of the disappointment of expecting someone to meet all your needs and not getting it is to never expect to get what you need and never ask for it). worse, you get jordan kyle who thinks what he did when he wasn't in control of himself can be forgotten because, regardless of maia's trauma associations, it wasn't him and so he shouldn't have to deal with the consequences of it. you get janus who wants to kill his other self and take his spot, without thought of the experience of said other self and all who he's built connections with over the years (i do get that he's suffering). then you get malcolm who will kill dozens of people, resurrect his first love (yes there was a lot of unresolved injustice there so really who's surprised it might have led to this) without considering what she thinks. and tati who kept rupert imprisoned bc she thought she might resurrect him too after jesse who she also entrusted to a demon resulting in him going through everything opposite to what he wanted, not even starting on her treatment of grace and her constant need for revenge). all these people (not james) don't consider what even the object of their affections may want at all, because their own desire for them has overgrown their ability to make room for them to be a person, and they need them to complete themselves.

you can see how, as much as it seems like the opposite, that could grow from only caring what the object of your affections thinks. at some point if you become so reliant, so addicted to them, you risk them becoming first and foremost an object to you.

everyone has to make that choice, especially if, as many do, they come close to the line. for some the Right Thing seems easy, almost instinctive (good for them, but it's a privilege we must acknowledge). trauma and mental illness make it harder (guess what happens when you risk death every day and see it quite often and don't believe in things like therapy and affirming neurodivergence and the like) and we have to not be ableist about it. for some people, it is a constant battle that's often gotten wrong, and that's all the more reason why we need resilient support systems to take us as we are and carry what we can't (not just one partner).

but it's easy, isn't it, to fantasise about getting all that from some paragon you also have sex with and maybe build a family with too. humans need love and connection, we need it so much. but be educated, and educate others. yes this sells. feels good for a little while. but the satisfaction in being your own person and maybe, not necessarily though, having a partner who's so themself you fall in love with them for it (not just for the fact that they're the only person you let in and know how to connect with) and they you? it's the long game. and it is beautiful too. how good it would be (and i know it's not impossible and there would be a market for it!) to see that on page, in front of us. we know it is something our fave couples do learn, they do get going in that direction after often starting somewhere with a lot of potential to go either way (I'm looking at you, clace, why-fix-him-when-you-can-make-each-other-worse). but i think there are a lot of teenagers (and adults too! but teens are more vulnerable and less able to filter out what is actually toxic) who just want a roadmap. something we can connect to enough to be able to relate to and figure out how to make our own relationships healthier like we see on page.

can we talk about the emotional dependence that some tsc characters have to their partners? it’s honestly scary and it’s very romanticized!

PD: janus is a great example of that :)