#and if someone prefers to use pan because they REALLY want to emphasize the ''all' part. or they don't like the prefix. then hell. go ahead

[carlyraejepsans]

hey. you probably won't see this, but i just wanted to say thank you for not being a jerk about bi lesbians. it's really disheartening how much hate we still get, and it's nice to see someone just. not doing that.

it's nice to know someone with a (probably?) big blog/account is in our corner.

not sure why i shouldn't be able to see this ask, i am not as big of a blog as some people think HAHAHAHA. but hey you're welcome. I'll always stand behind anyone who defines a label through their personal experience. as long as you're not trying to define other people's experiences for them, it's literally nobody's business but yours.

[watermelonlovershigh]

Day in the Life of a Single Dad with a 2 Yr Old

This was requested by this anon.

AN: let me know if you guys like fluff fics & i'll try to write them as frequent as my smut & sicfics. also couldn't come up with a better title so... yeah the title is a lil iffy.

Things to help you understand this story better:

(Harry is a single parent/Harry is 25/Harry is a healthy eater/Loves his daughter so much)

Harry is peacefully sleeping in his bed alone. Covers to his chin, curled up on his side. That is until his beautiful two year old daughter comes barging in there to wake her daddy up. He shouldn't be asleep she thinks. It's too late. In reality its only 7 am on a Saturday, but to an early riser like her, he should be awake and playing with her. Or making her breakfast.

Her little feet pad over to her daddy's side of the bed. She can barley reach him due to the height of his bed, but manages to stretch her little arms up and taps on Harrys face. "Daddy, wake up." she speaks in her little British accent. Harry slowly opens his eyes and immediately squeezes them shut because of the sunlight coming from the window blinding him. "Daddy!!" his daughter says a little louder.

If his daughter was any older, Harry might tell her to wait a few minutes or go back to bed because it's too early, but he knows she's only 2. So he forces his eyes open again and reaches down to hook his hands in her tiny arm pits to lift her on the bed. "Why are you awake so early babe." he asks in a gravely voice, while placing her on his bare chest.

"I hungry." her tiny voice replies.

"Mhmm what would you like?" Harry mumbles sleepily.

"Sweets." she says innocently.

"I don't think so love. We don't eat sweets for breakfast. It will give you a tummy ache. What about a healthy fruit salad. We have some Watermelon and Strawberries in the fridge." he replies to his daughter who's straddling his chest.

"NO, I WANT SWEETS! I WANT SWEETS!" she yells back with angry tears threatening to escape.

"D/n, we do not yell!" her father speaks firmly. "We can't have sweets but we can have something other than a fruit salad if you want. Lets go down and see what we have." With a tight grip on his upset daughter, Harry gets out of bed and makes his way down the spiral staircase and into the kitchen.

This wasn't something new to him. Ever since his daughter turned 2 in August, she's been acting up a lot more than previously. You could say it was the terrible twos everyone talks about. Harry tries his hardest to teach her the proper ways to behave but it's been proven to be a lot more difficult than anticipated. Especially hard when he's busy all the time and isn't with her 24/7 like stay-at-home mums are or stay-at-home dads were. He's a musician. Not a so called musician that gets excited to book a Friday night at the local pub. No, Harry is a international pop star.

When he ended up getting a one-night stand pregnant, he told them they could do what they wanted as far keeping the baby or not. Harry has always been one to agree that its a women's choice. But his one-night stand wanted to have the baby. Honestly, you'd think Harry would get angry that she decided to keep it, but he wasn't. Maybe it wasn't the ideal situation to have a baby from a one-night stand that he had on tour, but he being the loving Harry everyone seems to know and love, of course tried to look at it as a positive thing. But when his daughter was born, his one-night stand got her minute of fame by saying she had Harry Styles baby and left. Abandoned her own blood. Harry had to get full custody of his daughter and ever since then she's been living with her daddy.

It was really hard the first few months of her life. A baby needs their mothers comfort and warmth and she had none of that. She never got the opportunity to breast feed or feel the love of her mother, and Harry feels sick just thinking about it. So Harry put his career on hold for a few months to take care of his daughter and show her that someone cares for her. He never wanted her to feel unloved. It was his biggest fear. That's why every day since the day she was born, he tells her how much he loves her. Shows her how much he loves her.

He did all her nightly feedings with warmed up formula in bottles. He changed her diapers at all hours of the day. He gave her baths every day to make sure she smelled nice and clean. And when she turned 1 years old and was getting more active, he took her to the studio with him and let her play her toys.

Just because Harry is a single parent doesn't mean he doesn't have help or support. He has a lot of help when it comes to taking care of his daughter. His sister Gemma babysits all the time for him when he's got something very important to do at the studio where he'd prefer if his daughter wasn't there. Harry's mum watches his daughter frequently when he has a interview he needs to attend. Even some of Harry's friends watch or take care of her when needed. Especially some of his ex bandmates that have kids of their own now. Harry's daughter has playdates with Bear, Liam's son about once a month. They're about the same age and their dads are friends so it works out great. His daughter has even played with Freddie, Louis's son. Not as much because Freddie lives in America but when he comes to England to spend time with his father they hang out. Freddie and Harry's daughter are quite similar. They were both created due to a one-night stand. The only difference is Freddie's mum wanted him. Didn't abandon him. So he has a relationship with both parents. Needless to say, besides all the things a mother can give to their child, his daughter has a good life. People love her, and once again that's all Harry could ask for. People and himself to love his daughter.

After fighting with his daughter about what to eat for breakfast, she finally settles for some Strawberry pancakes as long as they have chocolate syrup on top. Harry gives in and allows a little chocolate for her to have with breakfast. She sits in her high chair munching on the pancakes while Harry cleans the mess from cooking. Like washing the pan and wiping the stove off. When he's finished cleaning, he notices his daughter has stopped eating and is just making a mess with her food at this point.

Walking up to her high chair, Harry bends down and lifts her sticky body up and says, "Alright, time to give you a bath little one."

"No bath daddy! Me no want a bath!" she yells and attempts to kick her fathers legs but Harry grabs ahold of them in his big hand and stops her movements which makes her small body more angry. She screams very loud in his ear and pounds her baby fist in his shoulders, expressing her anger. Harry really wants to get upset. But what he's read in parenting books is that if you ignore their behavior and act like you don't see their tantrums, it will make it better and they'll give up on trying so hard to show their anger.  Because most toddlers have tantrums to try and get attention from their parent(s). By ignoring it, you're not feeding into it.

"I'm sorry but you have chocolate all over you love. Need to get you clean because I need to take you to the studio for a few hours with me today. How does that sound?" trying to make bath time and going to the studio sound fun.

After fighting with Darcy to get in the bath, Harry finally got her in the tub. He struggled to wash her curly hair due to the fact she wouldn't sit still, even after he gave her a rubber ducky to play with. Once he's washed her hair and chocolate covered body, Harry picks her up and wraps her in a big fluffy towel, then takes her to her room to get changed. He manages to get a pull up on her, (still trying to potty train), and puts a lovely red track suit on her with some Gucci shoes. Then he carries her in front of the bathroom mirror to brush her hair.

"Be good for daddy and let me brush your hair." Harry tells his daughter in a gentle manner.

As soon as he passes the brush in her hair, his daughter screams, "Owww, it hurts daddy!"

10 minutes later, Harry has brushed her locks and put her hair into some cute pigtails. With his 2 year old crying in the process. He's pretty good at doing hair because he used to have longer hair himself. Then he picks her up off the counter and places her on the ground, walking her to his bedroom.

"Can you lay in my bed while I get ready? I'll put on your favorite show." he questions calmly.

"Peppa Pig, Peppa Pig, Peppa Pig!" is daughter chants.

"Alright, alright." He picks up his baby girl and sets her in the middle of his bed. Then he grabs the remote to turn his wall mounted tv on. He scrolls on Netflix and finds Peppa Pig to keep her occupied. Then goes to his bathroom to get dressed and ready to head to the studio.

When he exits his bathroom fully dressed and ready to leave, he finds a sleeping toddler on his bed, snuggled into his pillow. Her perfectly outlined lips slightly parted. Harry can't help but smile. He loves his baby girl with his entirety and seeing her peaceful like this makes him so happy. He turns the tv off and carefully picks her up into his arms and heads down the stairs to his car in the garage. But not before stopping by her room to pick up her mini backpack that holds extra pullups and a sippy cup full of juice, with some of her toys as well. Her tiny face is stuffed into her daddy's neck and Harry can feel light puffs of air hitting his skin. He puts his daughter in her car seat and buckles her up properly. Then gets in himself to drive to the studio.

About 5 minutes away from the studio, Darcy wakes up from her late morning nap and whines out, "Me wanna go home and play with you!"

"I'm sorry but I have to work for a little bit. I'll play with you when we get home later. How does that sound Hmm?" She was not satisfied with her fathers answer and starts wailing. Hot salty tears run down her little cheeks and she makes exaggerated sounds to emphasize her crying. She kicks at the seat in front of her and balls her fist up as if she's going to hit something but unfortunately to her, she can't reach a single thing due to her seat belt. Once again, Harry just ignores her cries of anger and turns the radio on loud to block it out.

By the time they arrive at the studio, Harry's daughter has calmed down. She's still upset but at least she isn't crying and that's progress in Harry's eyes. He parks his car in a secluded area to hide from potential paparazzi and unbuckles her. Then shields her face form potential cameras and make their way into the music studio. Harry has to record some audio for his newest album so that's why he needed to come in today. They enter the studio where the rest of his solo band is. He prefers to record the instruments live instead of manufactured drums and guitars.

At some point when he was getting ready in his home bathroom, Harry had called his assistant and told her he needed to bring his daughter in to the studio with him so she could watch her while he's busy. She agreed but being Harry Styles assistant, it wasn't really an option. Not that Harry would force her but she's an assistant for a reason. To do jobs Harry assigns her. In this case babysit his toddler while he records a song. He doesn't have anyone else today and unfortunately can't leave her at home with a mummy like many other fathers can. He's just happy his job allows his daughter to be somewhat a part of it. Not in the spotlight because he keeps his daughters identity a secret from the public for her protection, but as far as her going to the studio with him or when she gets older, she can come on tour with him.

Harry's assistant takes his toddler and her mini backpack full of her essentials. They hang out in the open area, out of the way from his band and he himself so he can get what he needs to get done so they can wrap everything up for the album. Harry's daughter actually loves his assistant. They have grown quite close over the 2 years of her life. But because she's going through her terrible twos, the toddler didn't want to behave for anyone today.

About an hour into Harry's work, he's interrupted with a frantic assistant that has a screaming toddler in her arms. "I'm sorry Harry but she's been crying for about 30 minutes and I've done everything I know to do to get her to calm down." Harry isn't upset his assistant came to him for help with his baby. That's not the type of guy he is.

Harry takes off his headphones and walks over to them. He picks his little girl up into his tattooed arms and questions, "Love, why are you upset for? If you keep crying, you'll end up with a tummy ache."

She just hugs around her fathers neck with her little arms and says, "Want you daddy." Those words almost breaks his heart. Harry doesn't know where this sudden want for him has came from.

"You can have me all you want when I'm finished working, alright. I'll be done shortly." He struggles to pass her back over to his assistant, but finally manages. "Maybe she's hungry. I'll give you a few pounds to take her through drive thru at McDonalds. Would you like McDonalds d/n?" She just nods her pigtailed head. He would suggest for them to go inside, but the public knows what his assistant looks like so they'd know that was his daughter. The daughter that has her identity secret for now. His assistant takes the toddler to the McDonalds drive thru and orders her some chicken nuggets. Even through Harrys pescatarian, he still allows his daughter to eat meats. Then Harry goes back to work in the studio.

Around 2 in the afternoon, Harry and the two year old make it back home. The rest of the evening was a little hectic with a few tantrums here and there. Harry cooked them a nice meal for dinner at about 6 and played dolls with her in the short period of time she wasn't upset. Then comes the dreaded bedtime.

Harry changes her into some pjs and helps her brush her teeth. Then when he went to put her in bed, she started crying for the 100th time today. "Me sleep with you daddy." she cries out. There's a part of him that wants to say yes and cave in, but the parent part of him is saying no. She needs to learn to be a big girl. Harry really doesn't understand why she wants to sleep with him all the sudden. She normally has no problem sleeping by herself.

"No baby. You need to be a big girl and sleep in your bed sweetheart. I'm right next door if you need me though okay." His daughter clings to his body and cries fat tears. Harry decides to stay in her room until she falls asleep. So that's what he does. When she subsumes to sleep, he lays her down in her bed and pulls the covers up over her frail body. Then exits her room quietly.

Harry changes into some comfier clothes himself and goes down stairs to get himself a glass of wine. Then he sits on the sofa and turns a series on to watch before bed. Times like now is when  he wishes he had a wife. He'd even take a girlfriend. Just someone to hold him late at night and cuddle with him. Even have some type of intimacy. Ever since he found out about his daughter, Harrys game of sleeping around stopped. He didn't want to keep sleeping with random girls when he was becoming a dad. He was raised better than that. So needless to say he was lonely. In every way possible. Mentally, and physically.

Whilst in the middle of the show he's watching, Harry is brought back to reality when he hears a blood-curdling scream from up the stairs. He rushes to set his wine down on the coffee table and runs to his daughters room. When he walks in there, his heart sinks. The toddler is crying so hard she's gasping for air. It's a different cry that he's seen through-out the day. Unlike her terrible twos tantrums, this cry sounds like she's scared. Harry runs to her and picks her up. "Hey what's wrong my love? Tell daddy what's wrong." he asks of his child, soothing her to his chest.

As her tears slow down in the comfort of her daddy's arms, she mumbles, "You left me." Once again Harrys confused because she never acts like this.

Harry walks out her bedroom and goes to sit with her on the sofa downstairs. Then he turns her around on his lap to look at her face more clearly. "Baby, you need to tell daddy why you got scared or why you want me all the sudden."

The little 2 year old takes a deep breath and speaks in her little accent, "On Peppa Pig, they...they said kids like me are supposed to have a mummy AND a daddy. They said daddies can't love their babies like mummy's can. Me was scared you don't love me anymore." Her voice cracked saying the last bit with fresh tears running down her face and Harry has glossy eyes looking down at his distressed but beautiful mini twin. That's right. They look almost exactly alike. He thanks God every day for that because he doesn't want to look at his daughter and be reminded of a one-night stand that's a piece of shit of a mother.

"Look at me d/n. I love you so so so much. I will NEVER stop loving you." at this point he has to take a deep breath so compose his emotions, "And not all kids have mummies. There are a lot of kids who just have a daddy or some just have a mummy. But it doesn't mean I love you any less. Okay?! Don't listen to what they said in Peppa Pig. They were wrong." Finishing his speech, Harry pulls her tiny body forward and hugs her to his warm chest. He has silent tears running down his face. Both hands spread over her boney back. He thinks tonight is appropriate enough to allow her to sleep with him. She needs comfort. "Would you still like to sleep with me?" he asks in a whisper.

"Pleaseee." she responds while crying. Harry stands form the couch, turning the television off and abandoning his barley touched wine glass, and goes to his bedroom. The turns the overhead light off and walks over to the bed. Peeling the covers back, Harry and his daughter, whose on his chest, slide under the warm blankets together. Now she has just about stopped crying. Just little whimpers leaving her body, along with a few hiccups. Harry reaches over to turn the lamp off, leaving the room completely dark. He shushes his baby until her eyes slowly close and she falls asleep with her face burred in his neck and arms around his neck. Her short legs lay limp over his stomach.

Harry has a difficult time falling asleep that night. He feels sorry for his baby girl because he worries that movies and shows with two parents will make her sad and left out because she doesn't have a mummy. He just prays she will see all she'll ever need is her daddy to protect her and love her for the rest of eternity.

MASTERLIST & My Favorite Harry Styles Fics MASTERLIST

[lilyrachelcassidy]

same anon again! and totally cool with the last request :) So I popped up with a new one. Same thing daphne x reader using 15 and/or 47 from the prompt list! (preferably daphne asking out reader but anything’s cool) :))

A/N: Hi lovely anon... You're the sweetest <3 I really think you might be my official fav person rn :D And yes, yes, I'm super happy to see you again in my inbox and... oh boy, I love Daphne x Reader so much. Here you go with with the requests you asked for :)

Warnings: Might add but I consider both of those works as children-friendly lol (maybe some alcohol but that's pretty much it)...

15: “Just tell her that.” / “Such a pep talk…”

"Pansy?"

You burst into the Slytherin common room with as much energy as your legs could carry you with at the late hour as it was. Exactly, 1 am, if to be radically precise. But getting acquainted with Pansy's strange late-night habits for over seven years, you knew you could find her sprawling over the large lounge, still awake, with the Firewhisky drink in her hand per usual.

As presumed, you were right -- she was sitting, still fully dressed in her school robes and staring aloof at the fireplace, drifting more in her perplexing thoughts than she would want to. Hearing your sleepy voice, however, made her tilt her head and glance at you, standing in your emerald-green pajamas, at the entrance of the stairs to the girls' room.

She smirked. "Insomnia playing over?" she asked, teasingly, her sparkling eyes locking with your fluttery ones.

"No," you answered carefully before covering your mouth from a yawn to which Pansy's smirk widened. You flopped tiredly on the sofa, next to her and laid your head instinctively on her shoulder. "There's something I wanted to talk with you about."

"That's why you got out of bed? To talk to me about something you could do as well in the morning but without bothering your pretty face?" she asked, and though you couldn't see her face, you imagined she was frowning in incomprehension.

"Well..." you drawled, already partly regretting you had decided to come over with such a sensitive issue to her. "It's the only time Daphne is not around."

"Oh...Is that--" Pansy gasped in enthusiasm, throwing your head off of her to which you reacted with a small moan of pain, to look directly into your face. "Are you going to finally admit you're so madly in love with her and that you drool at her every time she doesn't look?"

Well, that was straightforward...

"W-what?" you sputtered out, trying to make sense of what you wanted to express. But dealing suddenly with too much confusion and surprise, you found it to be a challenging task to perform. "How would you know? I've never told anyone!"

At the raised, almost frantic tone of your voice, Pansy grinned, probably satisfied with the fact she dared to shock you. "You are the worst player in this puppy-love game if you haven't noticed yet," she said, arching her eyebrows. "It's almost hard to miss you staring at her in the classrooms or... I don't know... even when you talk to her, smiling like mad. Only concerns are for Daphne, who seems to be totally oblivious to that."

"You think? I mean, hasn't she noticed? Did she s--"

"No," Pansy interrupted you intentionally, rolling her eyes. "I think she has other doubts than that. Besides... it's also she who attempts to hide her goo-goo eyes from you."

You frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Ughh... She has a crush on you too! Happy?"

"No, she does no--"

"Of course she does, you unheeding dolt! One time, I even caught her scribbling your name in her notebook with small hearts around. What do you think it means?"

"I--" Momentarily speechless, you dropped your gaze to the hands and unconsciously started playing with your fingers. "I don't know what to say..."

"Just tell her that." Pansy shrugged, finding the simplest solution in everything while eloquently sipping her drink. "It's a normal thing to do. Go over to her during lunchtime and talk to her. Confess."

You huffed, suddenly feeling a stream of sarcasm dancing on your tongue. "Oh, really? Such a pep talk, you know... Thanks, Pans."

She nudged you with her elbow. "C'mon. You've wasted plenty of time daydreaming about her. It's a moment to take up action. Tomorrow, it's your round, or otherwise, it might pass."

Sighing, you peeked at her with seriousness. "I don't know about that."

"Then you'll never know," she commented aptly, and you knew she made her point. "I realize it might be confusing. But hey, no matter what happens, I'll be always there for you. Remember?"

"Remember," you repeated, somehow feeling more confident than you had been ten minutes ago.

XOXOXO

47. “Are you asking if I’m a single?” / “Okay… I-I will.”

The party night was... disastrous, to say at least.

And you really didn't want to be here. But all thanks to your best friend, Susan, who was definitely a go-go type of a person and had been insistently persuading you to get out with her ("This'd be so fun, Y/N!" said she with already a little too drunk tone), by now you were being pushed in the crowd of inebriated people, soaking in sweat due to the heated breaths that were puffing and blowing at your neck from all around. Making your best attempts to push your way, conflict-less, to some less teeming space, you met with a failure by being shoved to your previous position by someone's hips from behind and a loud 'Watch it!'.

Frustration and exasperation accumulated in you, and you felt truly flustered with a situation. As it turned out, flustered enough to provoke the combative self you hadn't known existed in you, to start jostling everyone around to move away from your path to freedom. It required a few angry 'ouches' and curses sent towards you, but finally...Finally, you succeeded in getting away from the bustle and a disgusting odor of sweat that hurt your nostrils just too much.

"Double Scotch, please," you said breathlessly to the bartender as you had reached the bar and casually leaned over the counter. "Triple if needed. Make it extra strong."

The bartender nodded merely, giving you a perfunctory smile, before taking care of your order by grasping some liquor from the shelf and pouring it professionally into the glass. Too distracted with exhaustion from too loud music and screeches from the crowd singing along the songs' lyrics, you hadn't even noticed a blonde girl with a glint of explicit interest in her eyes staring at you. Well, not until...

"Is it a way of dealing with the party?" the girl asked, smiling. "Or are you trying to forget you're here?"

"Both, I guess." You laughed, turning your head to behold a nice-looking gal who was casually sipping her Mohito drink. A really nice-looking, actually. Her hair was laid in the smooth curls on her broad shoulder, emphasizing her soft facial features and shiny, blue eyes. Dressed in the tight gleaming-black dress with the heals lengthening her legs, she looked more than appealing. "I was forced by a friend to come. Not my intention."

"Tell me about it," muttering under her breath, she playfully rolled her eyes and smirked suggestively. Then with an outstretched hand, she proffered you an inviting smile and introduced herself, "I'm Daphne."

You took a hand invitation, shaking in lightly and reciprocating a smile. "Y/N."

"So, you came here with a friend?" the girl, now as you knew Daphne, asked you with an arousing curiosity. "Or girlfriend, or boyfriend?"

Alcohol being the best solution for straightforwardness as it was, forced you to express your first-moment thought without any earlier contemplation. "Are you asking if I'm single?" You took a gulp of your drink and squinted suddenly at the realization of your words. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean that! It's just--"

"It's okay, I'm aware of the after-alcohol effects," Daphne soothed you down and tried her best to hide her pre-momentary shock from her face, though you could still detect it.

You fucking idiot!

"Yeah, I've come here with my roommate. She loves parties and said it would be a crime to miss one, especially on Friday night," you answered her question, attempting to get slickly out of your faux pas.

Smiling, forgetting about your little confusion, and ignoring the noise from the background, you chatted, relishing each other's company and treating it as a make-up for ruined Friday plans, fault laying on both of your friends' sides. How much time had passed while you were sitting there, taking the next rounds from the bartender and goggling at each other you didn't know, but one thing was sure -- you both definitely enjoyed it.

The things came, however, to the end as soon as Susan, plastered as you had never seen her before, approached you in a stumbling manner. She was giggling like mad, which clearly indicated one thing -- it's about time to export her back to the house.

"What the heck?! It's not a funeral, peach. Come dance with me!" she screamed as if she was on the opposite side of the room, putting her arms around your shoulder and dangling on you to keep her balance. "Cooooommmmee..."

"No," you shot back, also drunk but much less than her, which made you take responsibility in your hands. Instead of looking at Susan, however, you glanced at Daphne apologetically. "We're calling a cab."

"But, I--"

"Shut it," you said, a little angry with her intoxicated state but yourself having a bit of a problem creating a coherent sentence. "The party is over. We're- are go-ing home."

Susan made a small groan but said nothing, to which you were very thankful because you wanted to end the conversation with Daphne. The sudden influx of bravery had overtaken, and you asked her to hand over her phone. So she compliantly did, and you tapped your phone number on the screen, saving it on the contacts list before handing it back to the proper owner.

"I'm sorry it turned out that way. In these circumstances," you apologized to Daphne, the weight on your arm becoming gradually heavier as your friend wriggled in her place, still grasping your shoulder like to necessary sanity. "It was nice meeting you."

Daphne smiled at that. "You too. Good luck with..." She didn't finish her sentence, but you concluded she was referring to the little situation with drunken Susan.

"Thanks. Oh, and..." You suddenly changed the timbre of your voice to a little deeper one, almost exigent actually. "...don't forget to call me."

A coy smile spread on Daphne's lips, and she said, more in the murmur than a normal tone, "Okay...I-I will..."

And then, you were strolling away, satisfied with how your Friday turned out, much less lame than you had initially assumed.

Maybe the party wasn't such a bad idea after all.

XOXOXOXO

A/N: I enjoyed writing those actually. These had to be drabbles but somehow turned out to be full-length one-shots. But no fault of mine; these were just my hands doing most of the job! I'm taking a break to spend some quality time with my friends (yes, it's me bragging I have a private life lol), and I'm sitting at my computer to write the next goodie :) See ya in some time!

Btw, as I've counted (via my computer) it's almost 2k words. What's wrong?!

[solalunar-eclipse]

Team Dark: A Holiday Special

Chapter Two: Shadow

One | Three

Word count: about 6500 words

No warnings, just more angst than last time because Shadow.

Author’s Note: Thank you all so much for the great comments you left on chapter one- it’s really what keeps me writing and posting.

In other news, I believe that Hanukkah started yesterday evening, so to anyone who celebrates that holiday, Happy Hanukkah!

...

It was the dawn of a bright new day, and Shadow stirred as the sun rose, feeling oddly content. His bed was warm, and he was comfortable, and he really didn’t want to get up just yet. Fumbling around on the bedside table for his book, he began to feel even better at the thought of hiding under the covers for another hour or two, curled up reading…

Except his book wasn’t there. He made several quiet irritated noises, before forcing himself to sit upright.

Chaos, he was not a morning person.

This was incredibly frustrating, of course, since he only needed about five hours of sleep a night and tended to wake up early. Coffee beans usually helped with that, though, and some hot water. 

His thoughts now focused on coffee, Shadow dragged himself slowly out of bed, shuddering as the cold air hit his fur. He searched through the clothes he’d brought and pulled out a warm, soft sweater, sighing with relief as he put it on. It was his favorite, too, since it matched his stripes nicely. 

Sliding on a pair of slippers (plaid, fluffy, chosen by Rouge) he padded downstairs silently, eyes scanning the area for his book- and caffeine. He wandered through the main hall, enjoying the view that the large windows provided of the snowy landscape. Still, he wished they’d turn the heating up a little, shuddering as he wrapped his arms around himself tightly.

As he walked into the kitchen, still half-lost in a morning haze, Shadow was fully awakened by the shock of seeing other people up. More specifically, Rouge’s mother and stepmother were cooking. Already. He clamped a hand over his mouth to keep from shouting, and his quills bristled in surprise. 

His friend’s mother startled and dropped the flour she was carrying, while her stepmother yelped and fumbled with the frying pan on the stove. Shadow rushed over and caught the dropped bag before it could explode, his nerves feeling slightly shot from having to deal with so much this early on.

“My bad,” he whispered, placing the flour on the island in the middle of the kitchen. “I didn’t know anyone else was awake yet- sorry.” he finished lamely. The hedgehog began to feel slightly uncomfortable, as both of the other occupants of the kitchen were looking directly at him. Until now, he’d managed to avoid everyone’s notice pretty well at this party, fading quietly into the background after that first introduction. 

He was not prepared to socialize, especially not this early.

Camellia just smiled at him, though, and said kindly, “It’s perfectly alright, honey, we didn’t realize anyone else could stand to get up so early either!”

Rouge’s mother rolled her eyes good-naturedly at Shadow as she walked past him. “You say that like I like mornings, Cam.” she quipped.

He felt awkward just standing in the middle of the room- especially having interrupted their formerly-private moment- so he took a couple of steps to the side quietly. “I’ll just be out of your way now…”

“Oh no, don’t worry about it at all!” the bat exclaimed. “Were you looking for something, sugar?”

Having two terms of endearment directed his way in as many minutes stressed (and slightly flustered) Shadow, and he found himself beginning to retreat into his usual cold persona. The hybrid muttered, “I was just looking for my book. If you happened to know where the coffee is, that would help. That’s all.”

The cardinal handed him a bag of coffee beans, still smiling warmly. “And I think your book’s over there, honey.”

Shadow took his book and turned to walk out of the room, nodding a quiet ‘thank you’ as he did so.

However...the second he set a foot outside the kitchen doorway, he froze. Looking back over his shoulder, he asked, “...how much more do you have to do?”

It would be downright rude to leave his hosts doing all the work, wouldn’t it?

...and why did that sentence sound like someone else had said it?

“Oh! Well, we have the eggs, and the waffles, and the…” the bat began to rattle off a long list of the different things they had to make. “But don’t worry about us, dear, you have your book to read!”

He wavered a moment longer in the doorway, before reluctantly putting the book down. Walking back to stand in front of them, he sighed. “Where are the aprons, then?” he asked flatly.

“Are you sure, honey?” Camellia asked. “You really needn’t trouble yourself…”

Shadow raised a brow ever so slightly. “I’m sure.”

“Oh, aren’t you sweet!” Rouge’s mother gasped. “We usually get help a little later on, but if you really want to…”

“I have a little experience with cooking, but not much.” he warned, taking the apron she offered him and putting it on. (This was true. He only knew how to make waffles and French toast, and that was just because Rouge decided she would go without breakfast if she had to cook.)

The cheerful cardinal pulled him over to the counter, making Shadow startle slightly. “Have you ever made hash browns before, honey? Those shouldn’t be too difficult.”

“No…?” he said, a little confused. “I...I’ve never had those before. What are they?”

“What?” Lila cried out, on the other side of the room. “What has Rouge been feeding you? Well, it’s about time you learned then.” She moved over to stand next to Shadow, handing him a bag of potatoes.

The hedgehog just stared at the vegetables, his mind going blank.

He needed to have his coffee before he dealt with this. Now.

…

Two hours and several handfuls of coffee beans later, Shadow could say that he absolutely knew what hash browns were, having produced enough of them to feed an army. He had also made veritable mountains of scrambled eggs and stacks of pancakes, all while asking ‘Are you sure we need this many?’. He’d thought that the dinner spread was incredible last night, but seeing everything as it was being made only served to emphasize just how much food everyone here needed.

A few other family members had shown up near the end to help out Rouge’s parents, but the real flow of people was only just beginning. Young children were now rushing down the stairs, lured by the smell of breakfast. A few adults began to come down as well, along with Rouge and Omega.

The younger bat looked a little surprised to see Shadow in the kitchen, and he internally cringed as he realized just how bad he must look right now. His quills were tied back in a sloppy ponytail and the apron he’d been given was more than a little long on him. It wasn’t long enough to conceal his slippers, though, and his sweater was rolled up past his elbows, while his arms were covered in flour, sugar, and even a little bit of oil.

“Aww, hon! You’ve been helping!” she said, batting her eyelashes in a blatantly over-the-top manner. She was clearly fighting the urge to laugh at his appearance.

Shadow rolled his eyes. “Don’t rub it in.”

Rouge’s mother bustled up at that, smiling warmly at him. Shadow became significantly more uncomfortable- he was used to having glowers and wide-eyed stares directed at him, not...that.

“He just walked over and demanded an apron, then he got right to work!” she said cheerfully. “He’s really quite helpful, honestly!”

Omega looked at the older bat. “Shadow does not like to admit that he’s helping, even when he is very clearly doing so. His pride is too great to ever admit that he’d do such a thing.”

The hybrid scowled. “That is not true.”

Rouge giggled. “Oh, it’s not, hm? Then what about the time you finished-”

“-don’t you dare-”

“-cleaning my room when I-”

“-now you know how it feels, Shadow-”

“-shut up-”

“-took a quick break, or the time when-”

“Alright, that’s enough!” Shadow roared, leaping at her. Rouge’s mother seemed quite startled at this, but Rouge started cackling just like last night, and Omega looked incredibly smug (somehow), watching as she dodged his attack.

“Just look a little sad, Mom, and maybe tell him you’d be ‘ever so grateful’ and he’ll drop everything to do iiiaaaAAAAH!!”

Shadow had managed to catch Rouge and pin her down on the couch. “Take it back.”

“Never.” she said, smiling sweetly at him.

The hybrid prepared himself to inflict some sort of punishment (messing up her makeup, perhaps, or tickling) when he was hoisted bodily and flung over a very square and very metallic shoulder.

“Umph.” he wheezed in a very undignified manner as Omega hauled him out of the room.

The robot looked very pleased with himself. “Ah yes. Revenge is truly sweet.”

...

“Alright, guys!” Rouge announced after breakfast. “It’s perfect weather out, so you know what we’re gonna do? We are going sledding.”

Shadow- who had been cleaning up and lost in thought- nearly hit the ceiling. “Wait, what?”

“Don’t worry, hon, we’ll get you all wrapped up first.” Rouge said gently, placing a hand on his shoulder.

The hybrid’s body immediately sagged in poorly disguised relief.

Five minutes later, Shadow wore three layers of shirts, a coat, sweatpants, snow boots, thick gloves, a hat, and a scarf. “I look like an idiot.” he growled.

“Would you prefer to be cold?” Omega asked him dryly.

Shadow shuddered at the very thought. Pulling his clothes a little tighter, he was suddenly launched back into the past, a very particular memory running through his mind.

“You ready for lessons today, Shadow?” a young, blond-haired girl asked. 

Maria.

Shadow, at the perky young age of two and two-thirds (eight mentally), leaned on the edge of her bed, smiling. “Always!”

Professor Gerald entered shortly with their lesson for the day- exponentials for Maria and multiplying fractions for Shadow- and began to teach.

As Shadow worked on his problems later, the professor’s voice going on in the background as he spoke to his granddaughter, he began to notice his fingers trembling. Weird.

The longer he worked, the more it spread, until his fur was bristling and his whole body shook occasionally. But he was the Ultimate Lifeform! He was made to be tough!

So he kept on going.

Eventually, his breath began to come short and his teeth clicked together. He accidentally dropped his pencil, his fingers trembling too much to hold it.

Maria noticed.

“Shadow, are you alright?” she asked. “Come here for a second…”

He walked over, trying to keep his legs from shaking and failing miserably. She reached out to touch his arm, but gasped as soon as she felt his fur.

“Maria!” he cried out, worried. “Maria, what’s wrong?”

“You’re freezing, Shadow! Come here…”

She pulled him onto the bed next to her, the warm quilt on it keeping her from struggling as Shadow had.

He let out an involuntary sigh as warmth began to flood his body, melting away the shudders and allowing his breathing to return to normal.

“Strange…” the professor had said, after getting Shadow a warm jacket to wear. “This was unexpected- I didn’t think it was so cold! I know the temperature on the space station is meant to simulate wintertime inside on Earth, but it’s only an indoor climate.” He’d later discovered that Shadow’s DNA predisposed him to get cold easily.

Or as Rouge put it: “You’re half lizard, hon. I’m honestly surprised you don’t spend all day lying on hot rocks when it’s cold.”

That event had led to a lifelong hatred of Space Colony ARK’s air conditioning (and several heated glares at the ventilation system for Maria’s benefit).

And then…

Shadow remembered what it felt like to have ice cover his body. When he’d woken up from his frozen sleep, he’d been filled with a chill he just couldn’t shake.

He’d been able to ignore it in his quest for revenge, but from then until he finally went Super, he had struggled to become warm, even in the tropical heat of the jungle. A cold sensation had settled in his very bones.

But now, he no longer felt frozen inside, and the cold was just an irritation, albeit a slightly more emotionally charged one.

Wasn’t everything.

Rouge and Omega had both been incredibly understanding, though. The bat had never made him go outside when it was cold, and she often dumped armfuls of blankets on him at random moments. (He appreciated it more than he let on.) The E-series robot was more subtle in his support, doing things like handing Shadow an extra scarf before he left their house or silently placing a mug of hot chocolate next to him when he shivered.

And now, they were standing in front of him, having packed all of these clothes for his benefit.

Somehow, Shadow couldn’t find it in himself to complain.

“No,” he sighed, “I suppose I don’t.”

“Alright, guys, let’s go!” Rouge practically dragged them out the door, pushing Shadow up onto Omega’s shoulders and then flying up to grab his hands once they were outside.

“I will never comprehend how such a small being has the power to lift both myself and Shadow.” Omega commented as they took off.

“Lots of practice- hff- and weight training- hh- does the trick.” Rouge gasped, evidently straining to keep them in the air. “I’m- ngh- out of practice.”

“It’s fine, Rouge.” Shadow said, his voice muffled by the scarf. “Take your time.”

Eventually, they made it to a giant hill with an incredibly steep slope. As they trudged up to the top, the (relatively) small hedgehog began to notice just how very angled and high the incline was...

Shadow regretted everything. 

“Are you sure this is a good idea, Rouge?” he asked, watching as Omega lay down on what would have been his chest to be the actual sled.

“Of course, hon! It’s going to be great!”

“Uh…” the hedgehog muttered nervously, even as he allowed Rouge to pull him onto the robot’s back. “I…”

“Alright let’s go.” Omega said quickly, firing his rocket boosters.

Rouge whooped and Shadow (to his eternal shame) screamed as they blasted down the hill at top speed, flying across a patch of ice at the bottom and skidding to a stop several yards away. Panting heavily from his adrenaline rush, Shadow fought to get his thoughts in order. “That...that was….”

“Awesome!” Rouge shouted. “We’re doing that again!”

“...alright?” Shadow agreed. It wasn’t like he had much of a choice, but it was a little fun.

The next time, Rouge tried lying down and yelled the whole way- not being able to see where you were going made things a lot more scary. Omega tried carrying them up to the top of the hill as well, completely eliminating the usual grind of dragging a sled up the slope that came with this activity. Shadow got into it eventually, clearly enjoying himself despite the fact that he never quite yelled like Rouge as they careened wildly downhill.

Eventually, Rouge convinced Shadow to try lying down as well. “Don’t worry, hon, I’ll hang onto you and make sure nothing bad happens.” she reassured him.

“Okay...okay. Just make sure you hold on tight.” Shadow groaned, clinging to Omega with enough force to strain his fingers.

They blasted off down the hill and Shadow shouted in surprise- this was so much more intense! He felt every bump and jolt all the way down, but it was all fun.

Until Rouge yelled, “Omega! Tree!!”

Shadow gasped, startled. There was a tree and it was coming up-!

Omega fired his left booster, spinning them far away from the tree. Unfortunately, that meant spinning literally, as he’d majorly overcompensated for the potential collision. Whirling around in a circle, both Shadow and Rouge were thrown off. The bat managed to catch herself mid-air with her wings, but the shaken hedgehog wasn’t quite as lucky.

Shadow’s vision went completely white. For a moment, he feared he’d hit his head- but it was only snow. He sighed in relief.

That feeling didn’t last long, though, as he felt the cold begin to seep in from all sides. Panic wormed its way into his chest- and then when he tried to move, he could only push helplessly against the lightly packed material.

Calm down. It’s only snow. Rouge and Omega will be here any minute now.

He took a deep breath.

And another.

And then Omega was there, clasping his hand to pull him out of the snow, and Rouge was sitting on his shoulder, looking worried but pleased to see him alright. 

“I’m so sorry, hon, I didn’t mean for that to happen…” she said sympathetically.

“Neither did I.” Omega added, and Shadow noticed that the robot wasn’t quite looking him in the eye.

The cold was quickly banished with yet another reminder of just how much his friends cared. “It’s fine. I just…” He looked away, a little embarrassed. “I did what the therapist told me to do and just breathed, and waited for you.”

“Awww, that’s good, hon! Tolja therapy’d help somehow.” Rouge smirked at him, but it was all warmth and kindness underneath.

Shadow shuffled awkwardly in the snow. “It seems that way...I’ve decided to keep going with it, after all.”

“Excellent.” Omega said, and Shadow felt even better. “Now we should get back. Shadow appears to require the immediate application of blankets and hot cocoa.”

The snowy, slushy hedgehog was not in the mood to protest, and simply said, “Yes. Now.”

...

Two pairs of red eyes narrowed in a face-off. It had taken their owners over an hour to get to this point- the final competition. The winner of this match would be crowned champion.

About half of Rouge’s family watched, holding their breath as Shadow opened his mouth to speak.

“E-4.”

“Miss.”

“Dammit!”

Shadow didn’t care one bit who might hear him swear right now, his teeth gritted and mind racing a mile a minute. He was supposed to be good at tactics and strategy, yet here he was losing at Warboat. Badly.

Three of his ships, covered in red markers, lay slain off to one side. Meanwhile, Omega had only lost one and a half of his. Accursed computer processors.

The hedgehog was certain that Omega would have a gigantic grin on his face, if it were possible for him to produce one. As it was, he stared constantly at Shadow, even as he moved his markers around.

“C-6.”

Shadow felt relief flood his very soul. “Miss.”

It didn’t take long for Shadow’s fourth ship to get knocked out, even as he still searched for Omega’s third. He was getting trounced, and he knew it. Yet still, somehow, he had a shred of hope.

But then, two rounds later, he snarled furiously when Omega switched his LED eyes from full circles to half-moons- an evident hint at a smile.

“H-2.”

Shadow’s stomach dropped. “No!”

“Yes.” the robot said proudly, before planting a red marker on his board. 

The hedgehog began to search frantically for Omega’s ship, his moves becoming increasingly random and less thought-out as imminent destruction closed in.

Finally, something happened. “A-1.”, he muttered, resigned to his painful end.

“...hit.”

“Yessss.” Shadow hissed, somehow feeling triumph despite his imminent defeat. 

“Yay.” Rouge remarked dryly from the spectating area. “Consolation prize.”

“Shut uuup.” he whined petulantly, before realizing how very relaxed his demeanor had become. Straightening his back and smoothing down his quills, he allowed that familiar blank expression to settle back into place. “No distracting the players, please.” he added coolly.

Was it him, or was that a flash of...disappointment he caught from her?

Anyhow, he lost on the very next turn. Grumbling quietly, he went to sit down on a couch as Omega partied loudly with all of the children, blasting up-tempo dance music from his speakers.

It was one of the children (such sweet little kids, some of them were) who suggested that they make trophies. Pulling out cardboard and paper to draw on, they quickly made little certificates and gold, silver and bronze medals. One parent found some ribbon to thread through a punched-out hole, and then the little ones all scrambled to set up a proper ceremony “like on TV”.

As Shadow bent down to receive his handmade medal and crayon certificate, he knew without a doubt that this was being saved. For good.

…

Later, Shadow was relaxing in his bedroom when Rouge’s mother walked in, Omega following behind her.

“Oh, good, I’ve found you!” she said, her voice bright as always, but...off, this time. “Would you mind coming with me for a minute?”

As Shadow followed her out of the room, exchanging bewildered looks with Omega, he realized what the strange tone was.

Her voice was brittle. Fragile. As though it might break if one of them spoke wrong.

They entered a different room, one high up and far away from the rest of the party. Rouge’s mother stood in front of them for a moment, pulling at her sweater before deciding to sit down. She looked at her gloves for a moment, clearly thinking…

And then promptly burst into tears.

The two were incredibly startled at this, and despite both being relatively...emotionally inexperienced, they gathered around her to try and help. 

“Uh...I...is something wrong?” Shadow asked, immediately kicking himself mentally. Of course something’s wrong, people don’t cry if everything’s perfectly fine!

Omega, thankfully, got straight to the point. “What is it?”

“It’s...no, no, it was...Rouge.” the bat said, her voice sounding choked.

“Rouge?!” Shadow’s quills bristled. “What happened?”

“She...when Rouge came back. From her two years, you know, away-”

Shadow and Omega did know, now.

“-she came to the party two years ago, and she was different. She was cold, and distant, didn’t talk, and only laughed a- at people, not with them.”

Rouge? Cold and distant?!

“She wouldn’t talk to anybody about her life- the only reason I even knew she worked for G.U.N. was the logo on the paychecks she sent. When she stopped sending those, after I told her the news about Camellia- she took that well enough, but after that...I heard nothing. Nothing, for almost ten months.”

Omega’s eyes were wide, and Shadow was sure his own were as well.

“A-and then one day, she called me up. Her voice was different. Warmer. Happier. She apologized for her silence, and said she’d been in a bad place. I blamed myself, and accepted her apology, of course. She had to grow up so young, do so much all by herself… and she paid the price for it...for a while.

“And then I happened to look at an old article a couple weeks later, and I realized why she was better- and I couldn’t believe I’d missed it. My baby girl, in the news! And of all the things...fighting a world-renowned supervillain alongside the likes of Sonic the Hedgehog!

“But that wasn’t why she was better. No, when I started searching the internet frantically and saw her perched on the shoulder of a massive black and red robot, laughing uproariously- when I finally worked up the courage to go to her social media pages and saw, not darkness and pain, but her with an arm slung tightly around a young striped hedgehog, flashing the biggest smile I’d seen in years, I knew.”

Shadow’s hands were jittery and he really wished his heart would stop beating so loudly.

“It was both of you. I never found out the specifics as to how she met you two- I hope she’ll tell me the story someday- but you saved her from all of it. She had coworkers, sure, some nicer than others, but you gave her friends, and ones who understood her position at that.

“And this year- getting into a snowball fight! Telling silly stories at the dinner table! She would never have done that last year, mark my words.”

Rouge’s mother was smiling broadly through her tears now, looking at both of them. She reached out and hugged Omega, tightly but quickly, and did the same for Shadow, leaving him dumbfounded. “Just- I-

“Thank you.”

Shadow sat there for a minute, unable to do anything other than keep a hand on her shoulder. Suddenly, though, he noticed some movement by the door, and spun around to see Rouge standing there, absolutely silent as mascara-filled tears streamed down her face. Her hand was clamped over her mouth, presumably to keep from making any noise. 

“Rouge?” her mother asked, startled.

“Mooommmmm….” she whined, her own voice sounding tight- and then she rushed across the room and into her mother’s arms. “I love you, Mom.”

Shadow tried very hard to ignore the burning sensation just behind his eyes.

“You’re right. About, like, all of it.” Rouge said quietly, once she was finished crying with her mom. “Nothing here mattered to me when I was out there every day being, basically a soldier, y’know?”

She sighed, wiping more tears from the corners of her eyes, and stood up. “I think now’s a good time to say something that I’ve been thinking about for a while. Sorry if it isn’t perfect-” she laughed thickly- “I’m not exactly in the best state right now.”

Rouge’s mother smiled at her. “I’ll give you three some privacy, then.” she said gently, closing the door on her way out.

After she left, the younger bat resumed her impromptu speech. “Okay. Omega....chaos. Omega. Ohhh man.” She pointed at him. “That day? When you busted out of heckin’ nowhere and started blasting your machine guns like mad? O-one of the best days of my life. Wanna know why? I met you.”

Omega looked very fixedly at a point on the wall behind her.

“You literally carry me places. You crush our enemies with your epic missiles and fists of steel. You helped me prank Knuckles so bad he was checking everywhere for traps for the next week. You’re so fun and I just. You. Awesome. I can’t explain it properly right now but hopefully I’ll get to do a lot more of that later. You’re the best ever.”

“I…” Omega sounded like he was at a loss for words. “I am...honestly extremely flattered by this statement. I will continue to carry you places and destroy all who oppose us.”

“Awesome.” Rouge grinned.

“Aaaand Shadow.” She wheeled to face him, and the hedgehog in question attempted to mentally prepare himself and failed horribly. “You. You are so cool there are no words to describe it. And I don’t mean because you own a motorbike or you dress in all black or any of that stuff. 

“I mean because like half the people who’ve been important in your life so far have been trying to kick the ever-loving hell out of you...and yet you get up each and every single time they do it and win. Honestly...I’m proud to know you, Shadow. And I hope you know that if you need me, for anything ever, know that I will give up the Master Emerald in a hot second to help.

“So yeah. And you’re the first guy I’ve ever met who’s actually willing to talk makeup- let alone likes it. The one who tries all the new restaurants with me. And the only person I will ever know who can somehow handle going to the mall with me more than once in a week.” Rouge finished with a smirk. “I guess you really are Ultimate.”

Everyone in the room who had tear ducts was currently using them. A lot.

Shadow sniffed furiously and wiped tears from his eyes. “Th- thank you…” He cursed internally as his voice betrayed him.

“Oh yeah, get ready for more.” Rouge warned him. “There’s more.”

The hybrid’s throat tightened in response.

“You know how I said, before we came here, that you guys meant as much to me as my real family?”

“Yes?” Omega asked, his voice sounding a little quieter than usual.

“To heck with that. You guys don’t have to, like, change anything because of this, but you are my family. You’re both my real family. As real as Mom is.” Rouge said, her words shaky yet determined. 

Shadow felt as though he’d just been struck by a bolt of lightning. Dazed, he swayed slightly, clinging to the edge of his seat. 

Family?

Is...is Rouge...is Omega….

He began to hyperventilate just thinking about it, just considering that after all he’d been through, after everything he’d lived through- at the end of it all, waiting for him, right now, was a--

“Shadow. Shadow, hold your breath.” Omega reminded him, and he shut his mouth and clasped his hands tightly for a minute. 

A family? My family?!

“I- yes. Please. Yes. Family sounds good.” Shadow managed to stammer.

“Well, then!” Rouge said, looking pleased. “Now I get to assume the official Big Sister duties of kicking anyone who dares look at you wrong and buying you food.”

Shadow blushed a little. “Rouge. I don’t need protecting like that...”

“I know, but since when’s that going to stop me?” she asked. “And don’t start complaining- being the baby brother’s the good life, from what I’ve heard.”

A fresh wave of tears poured down his face at the words ‘baby brother’. 

Of course, that was when Omega decided to go completely off the rails. “Am I the middle sibling or the youngest?”

Shadow and Rouge stared at him for a second. Then they both started laughing wildly, the toll of the various emotional highs and lows hitting them all at once. 

“M-middle one.” Rouge gasped out eventually. “Definitely, the attention-seeking middle sibling.”

Omega made angry eyes for a second, but reconsidered. “Fine. That...yes, that works.”

“Family group hug?” Rouge suggested, smiling warmly at them both.

Shadow nodded weakly. “F-family group hug.”

Omega picked them both up and held them tightly. “You both will always be my favorite organic beings.”

“Thanks, Omega.” Rouge said, squeezing them both a little tighter.

…

A couple of hours later, Shadow was pulled out of his room for the third time in two days, again by Rouge’s mother. “Sorry to bother you, honey, I just wondered...would you mind giving us a hand with dinner? You were such a great help with breakfast that Cami and I had hoped....”

Curse you, Rouge.

So now he was in the kitchen. Again.

Only things were very different this time. Now, there were about ten people in there, all rushing around in some complicated pattern and carrying hot, cold, cooked, uncooked, and various other kinds of dishes all over without running into each other.

Somehow. 

Shadow, despite feeling very overwhelmed and (strangely) underqualified, took one step into the fray- and immediately jumped several feet straight back as he was nearly mowed down by one of Rouge’s auncles rushing past with some sort of casserole.

“Sorry, kiddo!” they yelled over their shoulder, handing off the dish to someone else before sprinting back across the kitchen. Seconds later, another relative vaulted over the island in the middle of the room to get to the sink as quickly as possible, while carrying a semi-full plate that he somehow managed to keep steady.

The hybrid suddenly remembered several battles and sparring matches that he’d participated in. This...actually looked a lot like those.

He locked eyes with Rouge’s stepmother. She didn’t have time to say anything to him, instead just tilting her head in one direction. Shadow’s eyes snapped to a frying pan left unattended and knew what he had to do.

He took a running start and launched himself clear over several people’s heads before sticking the landing right in front of the pan. Several people applauded, and one person- the vaulting relative from earlier- frowned, having been severely upstaged.

So it was a competition, then?

Shadow looked directly at him and smiled like a feral shark.

...

The wild food preparation/parkour show finished with several people throwing the food to each other across the room like in a musical (Shadow thanked his lucky stars that he’d caught his- it was made of glass), and he decided it only existed because Rouge’s family was extremely over-the-top.

Immediately following that, everyone gathered around for another large dinner, during which Shadow only ate a little. And after too many more embarrassing stories, everyone gathered into a room to watch one of those cheesy Wintersweek romance movies that always came out in droves at this time of year.

Shadow said that they were all incredibly cookie-cutter style stories, each one following the exact same plot. Rouge claimed they were uplifting, fun stories and that she didn’t care if they were all the same. Omega liked to categorize all of the things that were wrong with them, so he was willing to sit with Rouge as she watched them.

The hybrid had scoffed cynically and walked away, filling the kitchen sink with water in the next room over and making a big deal out of clattering the plates around that he planned to wash.

Romance movies were so overrated.

Shadow could still see the screen through the doorway (not that he wanted to), and despite his wishes, the movie kept distracting him. He couldn’t stop himself from looking up to see what was going on.

It appeared to be a classic enemies to lovers story, as currently the shy young woman with a rock band shirt- who also happened to be the main star (cliche alert)- was glowering furiously at the trendy, popular blonde movie star. Who was, of course, berating the main character for her poor customer service.

At a coffee shop.

Shadow sighed loudly.

And of course, just as he’d suspected (he wasn’t paying that much attention to the movie all these films were the same really) they both ended up competing. In a Wintersweek cooking competition.

The movie star was confident she would win. Her film crew was ever-present, taking all the best shots of her as she ‘worked’.

Obviously, the main character was determined to beat her through hard work and skill. She was fully prepared to show this star just who she was dealing with…

...and all that and so on. Shadow rolled his eyes and turned his attention back to the soapy water.

And then (this movie was like every single other one!!) their partners both came down with an illness that wiped out several other competitors as well. So naturally they were forced to work together. And of course they worked well, too.

(Shadow had stopped working on the dishes by now. Somewhere around here, he’d forgotten to look away.)

By the time these two had begun to look past each other’s flaws and see the real person beneath them, his eyes were riveted to the screen. It was still bad, he told himself, even as he watched every move they made. It was still bad.

They were working together now, smiling slowly and talking quickly and sometimes, occasionally, laughing. The obligatory hands-touching-by- accident scene happened. The two looked into each other’s eyes.

Shadow couldn’t decide how he felt anymore. Confusing emotions swirled inside him.

The kiss scene. (He saw it coming a mile away.)

The awkwardness. (Just to build up the tension.)

Their lips meet. (And a little voice deep down inside Shadow whispers…

 ...that feels right.)

The hybrid didn’t move a muscle for the next several minutes of the movie, refusing to miss a moment.

The couple won the competition. Of course, he thought, some form of rational thought returning to him. That was to be expected.

As the movie ended on their celebratory kiss, Shadow began, strangely, to feel as though someone had just punched him in the chest. When the credits rolled, he left, walking away from the movie, trying to get rid of this strange sensation.

He heard the click of Rouge’s high heels follow a minute after. And then the stomp of Omega’s ironclad steps.

Folding his arms, he tried to project an I-don’t-care attitude. Unfortunately for him, Rouge and Omega could a) tell that he was projecting said attitude and b) figured out quickly what he was really thinking. Curses.

“Was it the movie?” Omega asked bluntly.

The only acknowledgment Shadow gave was a slight twitch of his shoulders up and down.

“Did you hate it?” Rouge questioned.

Again, just a twitch of the shoulders.

They both studied him for a second.

“No…” the bat whispered, her teal-shadowed eyes widening. “No, you liked it! You liked it!”

“I did not!” Shadow spat furiously, more venom than he’d intended finding its way into his voice.

“You did.” Omega said. It wasn’t a question.

“I mean…” he sighed, looking away. “Let’s not talk about it, okay?”

“Come on, Shadow…” Rouge said, wrapping an arm around his shoulders.

“Please?” Omega asked.

The hybrid groaned. “I...it was just- it wasn’t good, are we clear? It was just sappy. But. If you insist. I suppose...romance...argh. I can’t say it!”

“It’s okay, hon, just be patient.” Rouge said soothingly.

“Ugh...I mean...I’ve never dated someone before. Is it...really that nice?” Shadow muttered. His eyes narrowed, daring them to taunt him.

Omega looked at him, curiosity sparking in his eyes. “You want to date someone?”

“Wh-no, not like that! I- I mean...not just anyone…” he sputtered.

“So you’ve got someone in mind, then?” Rouge smirked at him, raising a brow.

“No!” he snapped, his eyes wide. “I- just meant- promise me you’ll never set me up on a blind date, are we clear?”

“Promise.” she said. “And I’m not crossing my fingers, either.” The bat waved both of them in front of her to demonstrate.

“However, we will force you to converse with others at future social events.” Omega declared. “I have heard that this is the first step in a successful relationship.” 

Shadow scowled, but without any real heat. “Don’t you dare.”

Rouge giggled. “No more sulking edgily in the corner for you, emo-hog!”

He groaned. “Are you both turning against me? Really?”

“Of course we are.” Omega remarked. “That is exactly what family is for.”

“I don’t know whether to feel flattered or irritated.” Shadow grumbled.

“Flattered. Definitely~.” Rouge quipped with a wink.

“Ugh. Well, I’m going to bed now. I’ve had enough of this nonsense.” he sighed, stalking out of the room.

“Aw, come on, Shadow!” the bat said teasingly. “Don’t you want to watch the sequel?”

The hybrid spun around so fast his quills nearly sliced up the doorway. “I’m sorry, the what now?”

“The sequel.” Omega repeated flatly. “You know you do.”

He hesitated.

“Fine.” Shadow growled through gritted teeth, his hands occasionally clenching into fists. “But only if I get to run commentary with Omega.”

“Sounds fair!” Rouge chirped, flying off with the other two right behind her.

As they walked away, Shadow in the back, he allowed himself a small, secret smile. They truly cared about him, and he knew they only wanted to see him happy. The teasing was all their way of showing affection. His eyes began to glimmer softly with a faint hint of happiness as fond thoughts and memories drifted through his mind. One sentence, though, stood out above all the rest.

I love my family.

[rebel-lets-dance]

Some random #queer thoughts lmao

*Warning: somewhat long babble*

So I was just sitting here, randomly thinking about how all of my past crushes (not including elementary school LOL) have been gay 😂😂😭 

Random quarantine reflection? Idk (*two actually bi. Another might’ve possibly been). But I need to flesh out my thoughts, so here we go:

To better explain this, I am talking about guys. I’m born female & identify as female. I didn’t fall for them because they had a “nice physique” or “handsome” face (although a few did have nice jawlines and eye features 🤤). But their personalities really resonated with me! Like the humor styles that would make us both laugh and talking about the most random yet deep shit. And they all had different personalities too. I’m not someone who has a “type.” Some would be really bubbly and goofy. Others had this cold-ish, intimidating aura who are blunt with their words, but their sarcasm and open-minded conversations got me. 

So I guess I started it off wrong. It just so happened, coincidentally, that all of the guys I crushed on were also gay 😂 (I emphasize gay > bi because those who are bi, I knew who their crushes were while I had been assuming they liked girls)

And it would either slip out in conversation once they got comfortable with me (we’re friends to this day :) ) or I’d find out once we exchanged social media and I started following them. Keep in mind, I never confessed to any them so it was never a situation where they led me on or anything like that. So that’s also a reason why you shouldn’t go around assuming people’s sexuality :) And if you do & are upset later on, then you only got yourself to blame. (Unless you’re intentionally lied to. That’s also fucked up). 

So moving onto the queer aspect of this all - now that I’m older and in college, I question how personality and sexuality coincide on like a Venn diagram. Because just because someone’s personality is a certain type, that doesn’t mean they have a particular sexual preference, and vice versa. And now I find myself being attracted to both males and females! Or anyone who’s personality really appeals to me. Lmao, it’s really more about what you say/how you act, which for me, enhances your physical traits.  Does that make me pansexual? Pan-curious? Anyways, now I question if liking gay guys was like a gateway for me to accept that women also catch my eye. But the ‘catch’ is: any women who I find attractive, I can never picture anything sexual going down. Which, for me, my ideal relationship involves both emotional intimacy and physical intimacy. So even if I were to be super in-love with the funny shit you say, your smile, your quirky mannerisms, and the ways your eyes look at me, I can’t picture us in a relationship where she expects me to go [physically] further. I’d be too self-conscious thinking that I can’t please her :( And I definitely think part of that comes from being raised by Christian parents + culturally conservative parents! And I haven’t (yet) kissed a female 💀😂 So that’s why I haven’t came out as bisexual or pansexual. ‘Queer’ seems to be the closest thing I can find comfort in / if a gun were put to my head and I had to choose a label.

Anyway, I don’t know why I’m posting this on tumblr instead of talking with like a therapist or something. But yeah, just curious if anyone else has felt like this/gone through these things before 😂 And if you want to talk more about this, my inbox is open for y’all. I’m here for you.

Stay safe my dudes (all-inclusive) !

[lesbianslovebts]

On the Term “Bi Lesbian”

Recently, I have seen the term “bi lesbian” around Tumblr, and I would like to discuss my thoughts on the concept. For full disclosure, I am a nonbinary butch lesbian, and I am writing this from a standpoint of love for all sapphics. I love you all so much.

As many wlw do, I have a complicated relationship with gender. Sometimes, I feel like the statement “I am a woman” is accurate for me, and at other times, it doesn’t feel right at all. As an afab person, I was raised in a society that fully expected me to be a cisgender, heterosexual woman, in which my existence largely hinged on the relationships I was supposed to have with men. This came with sexism, compulsory heterosexuality, and internalized homophobia, transphobia, and misogyny. These negative feelings and experiences have made it difficult to navigate my gender and sexuality, but I am now, finally, comfortable where I am.

By far, the discovery of the term butch was the best thing to happen during my exploration of gender. I wanted to present myself as masculine but cringed away from being aligned with men in any capacity whatsoever. That ruled out being a transgender man, and being a cisgender woman was never quite right either. Therefore, my gender is nonbinary, neither one nor the other and not some amalgamation of the two, and “butch” is the best term that encapsulates my personal gender experience. This realization has only occurred over the past two years or so, prior to which I assumed I was a cisgender woman.

The exploration of my sexuality was a much longer journey. I started off assuming I was straight, courtesy of society’s expectations. Come seventh grade, I began to realize that I was attracted to women (note that my naïve conception of gender was limited to the binary at this point). I never questioned whether I was really attracted to men, so I came out as bisexual in seventh grade. At the time, I had no idea how wlw relationships functioned or what they looked like, given that I had no role models. Instead of learning more about the lgbt community and figuring out my sapphic attraction, I resigned myself to ending up with a man because I thought I could avoid prejudice that way.

I made it through most of college with this mindset even though I was beginning to learn more about the lgbt community. Internalized misogyny and compulsory heterosexuality were the main shackles that bound me. Over those four years, I went from believing I was bisexual with a preference for men, to bisexual with a preference for women, to knowing I would never be truly happy if I ended up with a man despite the technicalities of my “bisexuality.” I was still dealing with internalized transphobia as well, and often found myself confused about how I felt about trans women, trans men, and nonbinary people.

Eventually, I came to realize that I had never once felt any genuine attraction for men, cis or trans, or nonbinary people who align themselves with manhood in some way. This led me to finally shed the bisexual label and accept my lesbian identity when I was twenty-two. So, as a nonbinary butch lesbian, I love woman-aligned nonbinary people, trans women, and cis women regardless of their presentation (feminine, masculine, androgynous, etc.). Again, I want to emphasize the years of working through compulsory heterosexuality and internalized homophobia, transphobia, and misogyny that were necessary for me to reach my current understanding of myself. Having said that, I now turn to the term “bi lesbian.”

The term itself is an oxymoron, but I can understand its origins. There are two major instances in which I have seen this term be used. The first implies someone who identifies as bisexual and homoromantic. The second is someone identifying as a biromantic lesbian. Now, I want to share that I am neither aromantic nor asexual, so I do not use the split-attraction model. For me personally, that is not how my attraction works. My romantic and sexual attractions are intertwined. I am not saying that this is the universal experience, but it is mine.

In the first instance, I would say that combining the terms “bi” and “lesbian” into one is unnecessary when the term “bi” alone already encompasses sapphics who have a romantic preference for woman-aligned people. Additionally, lesbians simply do not experience sexual attraction to people who align themselves with manhood, regardless of their presentation (i.e., even if they are feminine). To say otherwise is lesbophobic. In my own journey, there was a point where I still thought I was bisexual but knew I was only romantically attracted to woman-aligned people. However, I never called myself a bi lesbian for the reasons stated above.

The second instance, in my opinion, has far worse connotations. If the term “bi lesbian” means biromantic lesbian, then the term “lesbian” itself is reduced to mean homosexual, or same-sex, sexual attraction. Firstly, this interpretation of lesbianism sexualizes us, dehumanizing us, as our oppressors do, to nothing but sexual beings. Secondly, it alienates asexual lesbians who do not experience sexual attraction of any kind. Thirdly, it places undue emphasis on physical sex. Lesbians can have penises. Lesbians can have vulvas. Lesbians can be intersex. Lastly, lesbians do not experience romantic attraction to people who align themselves with manhood. Therefore, the term “bi lesbian” in this case is acephobic, transphobic, and lesbophobic all in one.

So, when I first saw people using the term “bi lesbian,” I became so overcome with anxiety that my hands shook, I couldn’t sleep, and my digestive track was messed up for a week. I felt like all my efforts in overcoming compulsory heterosexuality were wasted if the term “lesbian” were to include people who have romantic and/or sexual attraction to man-aligned people. Years went into finding, labeling, and defining my authentic identity, and I am not about to minimize that. I will defend my lesbian identity with my everything.

This is not to say, in any way, shape, or form, that lesbians are superior to other sapphics. All wlw—ace, bi/pan, lesbian—are part of the lgbt community, and I love you all. At the same time, the “L” is there for a reason. So please, rethink using the term “bi lesbian.”

[itsclydebitches]

So this is a old conversation, but way back with the Nora stuff you talked about how dysphoria wasn't needed to be trans. Is the reverse true? I don't consider myself trans, but do wish I was in a womans body. I guess I don't experience dysphoria, but do wish my body was different. Is that weird or offensive? I don't think 'm trans either since I am fine being called a man. idk I'm not sure how to classify myself. I guess is gender fluid the right term?

Speaking as someone who is queer but not trans---so my opinion here is just that, an opinion, not any attempt to make claims about a sub-community I’m not a part of---I think it’s easy to forget that the full definition of “transgender” that I’m aware of is having a gender identity that does not correspond with the sex/gender that was assigned at birth. Because we still live in a world that, in many place, defines both gender and sex as a binary, it’s easy to start thinking of trans as an “opposite.” You were told you were a boy but really you’re a girl, or you were told you were a girl but are really a boy. That’s how it tends to be framed (usually unintentionally, sometimes not) but if this binary doesn’t exist... then obviously things are far, far more complicated than that. Sex, gender, and physical presentation all come in a huge variety of options, so when you slam all three together you get any number of possibilities. If “You’re a girl/boy” is too rigid to describe that trifecta, one definition of being trans---you must identify with that “opposite,” you must experience dysphoria, you must want to transition, your idea of transitioning must align with binary norms of what a man or woman looks like---is of course going to be far too rigid too. Hearing, “I consider myself trans because I want to be in another body than the one I ended up with” sounds perfectly “right” to me. As does, “I’d like a different body but that doesn’t mean I necessarily despise the one I have.” And, “I want a woman’s body but prefer male pronouns. Or I just don’t mind being called a man.” To provide a similar-ish example: I prefer that people use my nickname, but that doesn’t mean having someone use my full name causes me distress. Using someone else’s full name might indeed cause them great distress, but we’re two different people with different needs. We humans are COMPLICATED AF but for the ease of communication we tend to simplify things a great deal. We say things like, “Well if you want a woman’s body then that must mean you hate having a man’s body and everything else that comes with it” because it’s easier to understand that narrative than the one laid out above, but that doesn’t necessarily make it true. That is the case for many trans people, but not all. 

Ultimately, labels are meant to serve us so I think people should adopt labels that they believe fit them, they feel comfortable with, and they find to be useful. I emphasize “they” because given that it’s a massive world filled with different people, with different perspectives, and with different kinds of knowledge, you’re going to encounter people who believe they know your identity better than you do. I’ve had people tell me I’m not bi because I’m attracted to more than two genders (bi means only two). Because gender isn’t something I think about much in regards to my own attraction (you’re obviously pan then). Because my attraction isn’t perfectly balanced (okay so then you’re probably just a lesbian). Though delivered in an unhelpful manner, the questions behind those statements are valid because defining your identity can be really confusing and it’s worth asking yourself, “Does this feel right? Do I want to change what I’m calling myself?” It can be a lifelong journey that you’re constantly updating. Right now, at this point in my life, I’ve decided that “bi” is the label I’m most comfortable with for a variety of reasons... but there are plenty of people out there who would reject my own experience and my agency over my own identity because that experience doesn’t fit their rigid definition. So that’s something to fortify yourself against. If you say “I don’t consider myself trans” than it sounds like you’re not trans... but maybe your understanding of that label and your own identity will change later. Or not. Maybe you decide that “gender fluid” is the right term to use. Maybe not. Ultimately I don’t think any one word can ever encompass every possibility. What fits perfectly for one person is going to be ill-fitting on another, but until our language updates that’s what we have to work with. Even if it does update certain terms will remain better known, understood, and accepted, so you might want to use one just for that convenience.  

In short, there are a lot of options out there and a lot of nuance. At the end of the day I think the major takeaways are: 

1. Know that there isn’t necessarily one perfect label for you to discover. That’s okay

2. Know that if you find one you’re comfortable with other people might be mad about it. Try to ignore them 

3. Know that you don’t need to find a label right away. Or even at all. I have friends who when asked about their gender go, “Well...” and provide an explanation like yours because they haven’t yet found a word that easily encompasses all that. Other friends use labels they’re not totally happy with because they don’t want to give that very personal spiel and saying “trans” or “gender fluid” is just a better way to move the conversation along. It depends on what you want and need at this point in time. So keep working through it, but if you’re not hitting on one “perfect” answer know that’s okay too 💜

[nellie-elizabeth]

His Dark Materials: Betrayal (1x08)

Dafne Keen is going places. She's phenomenal. This show... just... wow.

Cons:

I liked the way the daemons were integrated into this episode; they definitely got better about that as the season went on. But now I have to register a related, yet slightly different complaint...Pan is always in the same damn form. I mean, not always, but enough that it's distracting. I think in the book that was definitely his preferred form, but since it's a very important plot point that Lyra's daemon hasn't "settled" yet, I think some more variety would have been nice, just to emphasize that. Is this a nitpick? Yes.

Also... I missed Lee. A lot. I wish we could have seen more of him, although I understand why time constraints would limit his role towards the end of the season.

Pros:

While I'm not sure I'd ever recommend this show to someone on the basis of its effects/action sequences, I will admit that the final battle scene was pretty cool, with all the moving pieces of the bears, the Magesterium, etc. coming together in one bombastic final confrontation. Bodies are flying around, lights and noise and chaos... and Lyra, running through it all, just trying to get to Roger. I really felt the tension and urgency here.

McAvoy is such a good Lord Asriel. All of his scenes with Lyra are just so intense and layered and amazing. Because he has... affection for her. He freaked out when he thought she had come alone, but if you play that despair through to its obvious conclusion, he freaked out because he was still thinking about going through with his plan, killing his daughter for the sake of progress. He was relieved to have another child to victimize instead. But if Roger hadn't been there? Who knows.

Their conversations, about Lyra being special, about Dust and sin and what science can teach us, are all tinged with this sinister energy for those of us who can see the writing on the wall. Lyra saying she would have been so proud to be Asriel's daughter... that just gutted me. There's this distance between them for obvious reasons, and I think it can be encapsulated in that moment at the very end, where Asriel is asking Marisa to come with him through the bridge in the sky, and Marisa says that she needs to stay in this world, because it's where Lyra is. Asriel asks her: "you want her?" And it's... a polite question, a general curiosity. His love for Lyra is real, true enough, but the idea of giving up what he's discovered for the sake of his daughter is something he can't understand.

I really, really love that this is a story about a little girl who gets pulled in to a crazy adventure, but it's also about the evils of organized religion and this sort of alternate history that's intrinsically tied up with the corruption of the church, and all of that is so clearly displayed and then complicated by Asriel and Coulter as characters. You've got science vs. religion, sort of, but both sides are willing to torture children for their aims. Asriel is doing it as a means to an end, since severing a daemon and child releases the energy he needs to open a portal. Marisa is doing it because she thinks ultimately she's saving humanity from original sin. It's... messed up. Both of them are so wrong, and so evil, and so certain of their own righteousness.

Let's talk about Roger and Lyra's friendship, because... oh boy. They really milked this bond for all it was worth. They really wanted me to feel this one. They have sentimental conversations about how much they've changed and helped each other, and Roger is so supportive, and checking in on Lyra, and then he's so confused and betrayed, and there's time for Lyra to find Roger in the cage, for them to see each other one last time but not time for anyone to say anything... God. It's just so much. So heartbreaking. And Dafne Keen's performance as she cradles Roger's body to her, and contemplates her future with Pan... wow. Just, wow. I don't really have the words for it.

We also spend some time with Will in this episode, as he is on the run after Boreal's men broke into his house. There's not a lot to talk about here, other than the big thing - he finds a portal and steps through it. And we see this, juxtaposed with Lyra walking across the bridge that Asriel created in the Northern Lights. I wavered back and forth with how I felt about Will's story being started here in season one, but as we hit the end of this finale, I've got to say I'm firmly in favor.

There are two reasons for this - one is that the parallel of Will and Lyra both entering this other world through vastly different means is really setting up how important they will be to each other. Both are at an extreme low point. Both feel totally alone, and both are about to encounter something the likes of which they never could have imagined. The second reason is specifically the 'vastly different means' thing. Because Asriel just murdered Roger right in front of Lyra's eyes, desperate for the energy to go into another world and find answers about Dust. And Will? He just... wandered through a weird displaced pocket of air and vanished. It's so quiet, so simple. And having seen Boreal jump between worlds throughout the season, it becomes heartbreakingly clear that Asriel's evil methods are not at all necessary to travel between the realms. The heartbreak of this climax is all the more potent when you realize how unnecessary it all was.

I could really go on and on about this episode, and about Keen's performance in specific, but I'll just leave it here - this girl is killing it, no matter what scene partner she's working with. She's bringing so much nuance and empathy and love and joy to Lyra Silvertongue, and I can't wait to see what she does next.

9/10

[side-effect-of-the-meds]

Erin and Ania are like holy fuck I can’t even. But for real Neil sees Abby as a mother figure in the book so like is it the same for Ania? Andrew too? Idek I just need to know their relationships with everyone

It’s time I map out their relationships anyways lol so thanks, love!

Let’s start with the lovely Ania 

Dan, Allison, and Ania are roommates. It’s tough after Seth’s death bc Ania has to face her all the time. Erin tells Allison her theory too so Allison is avoiding Ania so :////

Dan is essentially what Matt was to Neil. She sees Ania and her first thought is ‘baby’. She adopts her so fast. Every morning before class, she’ll pinch Ania’s cheeks and kiss her fingers, chef-style Idk man. It’s just something my mom does to me ok. Let me be soft. 

Renee rooms with Erin so Ania isn’t comfortable with her. Anyone that can spend the night in a room with that girl has to be hardcore. 

Allison also gives Ania a lot of shit about her wardrobe. At some point it starts to get to her so when the monsters head to the mall, Erin catches Ania drifting towards the girl’s section on her own. She’s high so she follows her around, prodding her about it. When Ania tells her, there’s this moment where Erin’s drug haze parts for a second. Ania could have sworn that she saw anger flashing in Erin’s eyes for half a second. She shrugs it off until Allison shows up at the dorms with a bruise on her jaw. Erin knows Ania hides her body bc scars and bc she doesn’t like men staring at her. She refuses to let Allison shame Ania into doing something she doesn’t want to. In general, Allison and Ania have a rocky relationship because Erin keeps interfering. After Christmas, the two of them end up getting along a lot better bc they bond while Allison covers Ania’s bruises with makeup. Also after Christmas, Ania and Renee trade dorms so she and Allison aren’t in constant contact. Part of their friction was due to the amount of time they spent together. A lot of things have happened to Allison this year and the fact that she constantly has to see the source of a lot of her problems makes it hard for her to heal.  

I’ve considered Fem!Nicky but I personally prefer Gay/Lesbian solidarity between him and Erin a lot better so yeah (However if you want me to run a few Fem!Nicky hcs, hmu and I’ll do it. She won’t be a part of the fem!verse but it would be fun). He’s exactly the way he is in canon. However, he is constantly trying to set Ania and Erin up and Erin? Doesn’t? Stop? Him? She’s so desperately in love with Ania that if Nicky wingmanning for her is what it takes to win her over, then she’ll take it. She also has a really dirty sense of humor. The jokes he makes fuel her late-night fantasies. 

Aaron is disgusted with Nicky and, more importantly, himself. Ania is incredibly beautiful and he’s incredibly straight. He doesn’t like her bc he’s so gone for Katelyn. That doesn’t make Ania any less pretty. He finds himself staring at her all the time but so does every other fox so he doesn’t feel bad. 

Katelyn thinks Ania is hot. She’s bi but leans heavily towards guys. It takes Aaron a long time to unlearn his homophobia but he manages it because Katelyn is bi and he couldn’t possibly hate anything about her. Once Riko is gone and Ania is safe, she starts to develop feelings. I mean, she always had feelings but now she doesn’t try to suppress them. She lets herself want to be friends with people. Katelyn happens to be at the top of her list. While the twins are with Bee at their sessions, Katelyn and Ania hang out. Sessions are only an hour/hour and a half long so the girls just grab a soda together or go window shopping in Reddin. I hc Katelyn as a genuinely sweet VSCO girl. Let me have this! Ania has a grunge/goth aesthetic because Erin buys her clothes for her but she thinks Katelyn’s clothes are cute too. Erin wants to hate the thousands of scrunchies and anklets she finds strewn across the dorm but they make Ania so happy. Once on a double date, on Bee’s insistence, Katelyn catches sight of a bubblegum pink scrunchie in Erin’s hair. It’s a stark contrast to her all-black outfit but it’s really cute. When Aaron goes to grab their drinks from the barista, Katelyn tells her so making sure to stay well out of Erin’s reach. Erin just grunts and turns to look out the window. The twins don’t blush with their whole face. Instead, their ears turn red. With Erin’s hair pulled up and out of the way, Katelyn has no trouble seeing her burning red ears. It’s progress! 

Ania spends a lot more time out at Evermore as a kid than Neil did. As a result, she was really close to Kevin and Riko. She only knew Jean for like a month before she dipped. I got a request for Fem!Jean so you’ll see Ania’s relationship with Jeanie soon. Kevin sees her as a baby sister. He and Kayleigh were actually at the hospital when Ania was born. There’s a baby photo back at Kayleigh’s old house of 3yr old Kevin carrying a newborn Ania. He’s crying rivers in it. There’s an actual video of it as well. In it, Kay asks him why he’s crying. “She’s sho shmall!” little Kevin sobs. “Can I keep her? Pleashe, mom. I’ll be nice to her and take care of her and I’ll tell her I love her all the time.” You can hear someone laughing in the background. The camera pans across the room to reveal Wymack sitting in a chair by the door, cackling

TANGENT BUT I WANT TO TALK ABOUT WYMACK FOR A MINUTE! So Wymack and Kay are friends with some obvious benefits. He flips his shit when Kevin is born because what if that’s his kid??? Kay is just like, I was with a lot of guys and brushes it off. She’s lying through her teeth. Wymack is the only man she’s ever loved. Tetsuji is salty and I will go into this in another post but I think that Tetsuji really hated Kevin because he was Kay’s son but not his. I absolutely believe that Tetsuji was in love with Kayleigh Day and was pissed when she had a kid. Anyway, Wymack flies out to Ireland a lot to check up on Kay and Kevin because Kay is crazy. How could the inventor of exy not be? It’s literally murder lacrosse. He goes out to make sure Kay isn’t overworking herself and bc Kev has no father figure. Kev grows up knowing Wymack and absolutely adores him. When Kay dies, Wymack wants custody of Kevin. Kay knows who the Moriyamas are and recently she and Tetsuji have been fighting a lot. She’s scared that something is going to happen to her so she writes her will and emphasizes that she wants her son sent to Wymack if she dies. Her fight with Tetsuji comes to a head and the car ‘accident’ happens. It’s not an accident. Tetsuji ordered her killed in a fit of rage. He’s devastated when it actually happens. He loved her and now she’s dead. Well, who’s fault is that, ya dumb bish? He flies out for the funeral and so does Wymack. Tetsu finds the will first and is anger. He has it burned and has Nathan forge a new one where he gets custody of Kev. It breaks Wymack’s heart bc now he thinks Kay didn’t want him around Kev. Kevin is five and he’s crying because his mom is dead and now he can’t live with Wymack. He calls Wymack Dad and Wymack can’t do anything about this. Instead, he just hugs little Kev close and tells him it’ll be okay. Wymack tells Kev that Tetsu has a niece his age. Maybe Kev and Riko can be friends. Maybe they’ll even get married. Kevin says that’s disgusting and Wymack laughs a hollow laugh. Anyway, that’s how Kev gets shipped to Evermore. Tetsu doesn’t allow Wymack near Kev bc he knows the truth. The reason why Wymack always has a sports channel on because he used to keep it on in case Kev ever showed up. He watched every one of Kev’s games and interviews and everything. Wymack doesn’t get to be there to watch Kev grown up so he just watched from a distance. I'm not crying you are. 

Wymack is a father figure to Ania and Erin. He’s there when Ania is born bc he went to visit Kay and Kev who were in Baltimore to meet baby Nathania. Kay carts him out to the hospital to meet her too. Nathan Wesninski was not in the room when his daughter was born. He doesn’t even meet her until she’s six months old. Wymack is the first man Nathania meets and she doesn’t even know. Mary didn’t want to hand Nathania over to Wymack but she and Kay are friends and she knows that he’s her baby daddy. Wymack doesn’t recognize Ania because he only knew her for a month when she was a newborn. Of course he doesn’t recognize her. However, he thinks about her a lot. She’s actually the first baby he’s ever held. He didn’t get to hold Kevin until he was two. Wymack treats Ania the same way he treats Neil but he puts in a bit of extra care bc he knows about Millport incident. 

Abby is definitely as much of a mom figure as she was to Neil. However, after she shows her her scars, Ania gets a lot closer to her. She refuses to tell her things but when Erin gets sent to Easthaven, Ania has a hard time staying at the dorms. She spends all her time at the court bc she has to. She hides in the library bc it’s the one place she wouldn’t see Erin anyways. She crashes at Abby’s a few times because there are times she can’t stand the thought of going back to the dorms without feeling the brush of Erin’s hand on the back of her neck. 

Oh. That’s a thing. Every night after midnight practice n Kev has gone to his room, Ania says goodnight to Erin. Erin will trail her hand across the back of Ania’s neck as she passes in response. It makes Ania shiver because her neck is as much of an erogenous zone as Erin’s is. Erin always watches it out of the corner of her eye bc God it’s the most amazing thing she’s ever seen. It makes her feel. Ania doesn’t really realize???? She’s so dumb. She knows it makes her feel good but she just can’t for the life of her figure out why. 

It’s time I addressed the real psycho lesbian… While Erin’s is a facade, Riko is genuinely psychotic. She’s seven types of crazy. Actually, it skews a little more yandere but I will go into depth about it in the Fem!Jean fic. Rn, I’ll try to keep it short. Riko has her first crush when she’s eight? Nine? She kisses her crush on the cheek when she’s ten and Tetsuji… doesn’t take it well to say the least. The bit about it’s easier to remain straight? It’s the thing Kevin hears Riko say to herself every morning in front of the mirror. Regardless, Riko never gets over that first crush. Riko will never not miss Nathania Wesninski. When she finds out who Ania really is? She loses it. It’s fate, she tells herself. She will have Ania or die trying. Christmas at Evermore is a thing so I mean, I guess she does have Ania :( But she wants Ania to love her. She tells Ania as much and Ania spits in her face. :)

Most of Erin’s relationships are the same except for the Matt and Renee thing I covered earlier. The only other one that changes is Kevin. I know I say this a lot, but she really thought Ania and Kev would be a thing. She says no to Kevin for everything bc she’s petty.  Kevin has always gotten everything that he wanted handed to him on a silver plate. Now he’s taking the one thing she really wants.  If he gets Ania, he can’t have anything else. Again, I’ll cover her relationship with Jean later. 

Thanks again your ask <3

Edit: I'm really tired and have a quiz tomorrow but I forgot to talk about Cleo. I'll make a separate post about her so stay tuned for that!!!

[tortellinigirl]

Hi sorry if this is an annoying ask but I just wondered how would you personally explain the difference between bisexual and pansexual? I’ve just been a bit confused about whether there’s a marked difference or whether it just depends how people prefer to identify themselves as on an individual basis. I’ve googled but there’s a lot of different answers so I thought it’d just be best to ask a real person

It really will depend on who you ask, but personally I feel its biphobic to define it as anything but a subset of bisexuality or an alternative to the word bisexual. Bisexuality is attraction to more than one gender. Pan has many definitions, but all of them include attraction to more than one gender, meaning that anyone who identifies as pan could also identify as bi. There are many reasons someone might prefer pan instead of bi, such as wanting to emphasize their attraction to nonbinary people, or because the word bisexual was originally invented by homophobes/biphobes as a medical diagnosis, similarly to homosexual. In these cases, this person might choose to abandon the term bisexual altogether and use pan instead, which is okay as long as they are doing it in a healthy way and not out of internalized biphobia, and can recognize and denounce the way pansexuality has been viewed as being more pure/woke than bisexuality. The term bisexual has a purposely broad definition, but some people prefer a more specific definition, which is another scenario where pan comes in! Some people identify as both bi and pan, with bi being a general term and pan as a more specific subset within that term! This is also fine as long as they can recognize and denounce the way pansexuality has been framed as more pure than bisexuality (and also that not everybody with their experience will choose to use their label). The choice to be bi or pan or both is purely personal preference of word, and I’ve found that the definition of pan changes from person to person because it just tends to be a very personal defining of their experience in multi-gender attraction. It only becomes biphobic when people insist that bi people cant experience the things they define as pansexual, which is really limiting to bisexuality, or when they refuse to acknowledge how pansexuality has been used to hurt us. In conclusion, three people could experience their sexuality exactly the same and one might be bi, one might be pan, and one might be both! It’s really just a choice of words! :)

[shades-of-grayro]

The Relationship Between the Aro and Ace Communities: A Greyromantic Perspective

This is my submission to the Carnival of Aros hosted by @theaceandaroadvocacyproject. There are three parts: my personal journey with my ace and aro identities, a discussion of how the aro community can learn from the ace community in order to do better by gray and romance-favorable aros, and my thoughts on aro inclusion in ace communities.

Thank you for reading!

Part 1: My personal journey with my ace and aro identities

When I first realized I wasn’t straight, I played around with identity labels a bit, eventually landing on “greyromantic asexual,” which I still feel describes me well to this day. How I identify my orientation to others, however, has fluctuated over time.

For a few years, I identified solely as asexual without any romantic orientation, only occasionally disclosing my romantic orientation within ace communities with the specific intention of discussing the topic of romantic orientation. Even then, I often just called myself aromantic, because I still felt that was accurate. There were two reasons why I more strongly identified with my ace identity for this time.

The first reason is that it was easier. I absolutely hated having to explain my identity when I came out to someone. Leaving it at “asexual” meant that it was more likely that someone was familiar with the word, and also that it would be easier to explain if I needed to do that. No, this was not the best aro and ace activist approach, but it was what I needed early in my coming-out journey, and that is okay.

The second reason is that I liked the ambiguity of my romantic orientation when I only called myself asexual. My asexuality is solid. I can say with 100% certainty that I don’t experience sexual attraction. My romantic orientation is more nebulous — I am not convinced that I feel romantic attraction and I am not convinced that I don’t feel it, but either way I would still be somewhere on the aro spectrum. The identity “asexual” doesn’t imply any particular corresponding romantic orientation. When I identify solely as asexual, the amount of uncertainty others (should) have regarding my romantic orientation feels more accurate to how I feel about my romantic attraction.

A combination of entering a romantic relationship and starting to do more advocacy work changed my perspective on the first reason, and I have started actively labeling my romantic orientation again. Because I am in a romantic relationship, I now need to explain the bits I didn’t have to before. I also feel the need to assert my aro-ness in a way I didn’t before, both because I think it is important when I do ace and aro advocacy work that I clarify that I am coming from an aro perspective, but also because people (mostly other aces and aros) now assume I feel romantic attraction because I am in a romantic relationship.

Now that I have entered a romantic relationship and started actively labeling my romantic orientation again (as greyromantic), people have started assuming that I feel romantic attraction because of that identification. But I am not convinced that I do. I know I feel something — but that something is significantly different from what it seems that non-aros feel when they talk about romantic attraction. What I feel is probably more in line with what is referred to as alterous attraction, but I don’t experience any other emotion-based attraction to contrast it with, so I prefer to be more general and vague about it.

This assumption gets me to my next point:

Part 2: Learning from the ace community: How the aro community can better support gray and romance-favorable aros.

In my experience, the ace community does a better job including and discussing gray-ace and sex-favorable aces than the aro community does with including and discussing gray-aro and romance-favorable aros. I think we need to look towards the ace community in order to see how we can improve.

As was discussed a bit by Siggy in his submission and in the comments on the post, the ace community isn’t always perfect in this regard and the aro community should also look to the ace community to see what to avoid. Siggy specifically suggests avoiding empty affirmations and rather talking about specific experiences. I think that is an excellent idea, though with a caveat that sometimes the topic of sex-favorability and romance-favorability can be immensely personal and people don’t always want to share, which is okay. Honestly I think some of the empty affirmations probably come from aces who are sex-favorable and feel excluded in some way, but don’t want to share their personal experiences due to how personal they are. But that is just a guess.

Here are some personal experiences and ideas in no particular order:

Gray and romance/sex-favorable aspec people often experience attraction/romance/sex very differently from how non-aspec people experience those things. We should avoid characterizing these things (especially gray identities) as being half-allo(sexual/romantic) and half-(aro/ace), because that is not what it feels like most of the time.

As a romance-favorable aro, I grew distant from the aro community while I was single and planning on staying that way. I felt more aromantic when I entered my romantic relationship, because there is nothing quite like seeing a non-aro person experiencing the same situation to highlight just how different you are. People (aros) around me implied that I was less or only partly aromantic for being in a romantic relationship based on ~feelings~, and that just didn’t fit my experience.

I’ve seen several people who say they understand sex-favorability but not romance-favorability recently, and I think this is probably due to the fact that romance as a concept is less well defined and separated from other experiences than sex. Many people don’t understand how an aro person in a romantic relationship is any different than a qpr. Ultimately, I think it comes down to preferences on language usage, much the way the difference between bi and pan does. For me, I don’t really see a difference between my romantic relationship and an ideal qpr. But my relationship is romantic for my partner, the word romantic doesn’t bother me, and it is honestly easier to describe to people who aren’t ace/aro. Most of the time I just call them my partner, which doesn’t (or at least shouldn’t) imply one way or the other whether it is romantic.

I just want to reiterate - There is a recent trend towards using the phrase “aromantic spectrum” to refer gray aros, and specifically to separate them from people who identify specifically as aromantic. I absolutely hate this, as aromantic spectrum has always been the unifying term for the whole aro community - aromantic and grayromantic alike. Ultimately this language shift makes me feel like others are calling me less aromantic because I have a less clear-cut experience, which I really don’t like.

I think we need to stop emphasizing the non-romantic nature of qprs (when talking about them as a whole, not necessarily individual relationships) and focus more on them not fitting into the traditional boxes of friendship and romance. Many aros, and gray-aros in particular, don’t differentiate between platonic and romantic feelings and they might feel that their qpr is partially romantic and that is okay.

Gray-aro identities are almost always very complex, fluid, and hard to pin down. People who are not also gray-aro might not be able to wrap their heads around it, and that’s okay. Us gray-aros have a hard time with it too. I more or less just accepted that our language is never going to be sufficient to describe my experiences.

Part 3: Aro inclusion in ace communities

Currently in aro communities, ace communities have a bad reputation for being aro-antagonistic. Personally, I don’t think this is a fair reputation, as ace communities tend to be much less of a monolith than people think.

Besides recently, I have seen criticism regarding poor aro inclusion and poor alloro inclusion in ace communities. And after talking with a few people individually, I have come to the conclusion that it is different in different parts of the ace community. Some in-person ace meetup groups are dominated by alloromantic aces talking about struggles with romance. Others, like mine, are dominated by aroaces. As an event organizer and leader in my local ace community, I have to politely correct assumptions that negatively harm alloromantic aces much more frequently than assumptions that harm aros. I genuinely believe that this is an issue that can go both ways.

Additionally, individuals can be individuals. Not every ace person is an expert on everything to do with asexuality, and they will sometimes say not-so-great things. This doesn’t excuse it, but in these cases I think polite education is generally the way to go. There is a big difference to me between individuals saying (unintentionally) aro-antagonistic things and community leaders saying or doing aro-antagonistic things. While the latter does occasionally happen, I think it is the exception not the rule.

Conclusion

Overall, I am really happy with the new independence of the aro community, and I am really excited to see where it goes from here. I think we all (aces and aros alike) have work to do to better understand each other in this process. This carnival has been a great start, and I have really been enjoying reading everyone else’s perspectives so far!

[stray-tori]

The Promised Neverland: An adaption with a different approach

Some infos before I start:

I am anime only. I have read the manga alongside the anime until (including) episode 5, then I stopped because I wanted to stick with the anime's experience.

Anime deserve to be judged as stand-alone works. When compared to the original source, an anime can be bad (FMA because it doesn't follow the manga's plot) but the anime itself can still be good or even better.

I am biased. I saw the anime first. You are most likely biased as well. There's nothing wrong with being biased.

Opinions can't be wrong. Let’s just respect them ^__^ 

Things I've constantly seen being critized about TPN's anime all seem to belong to the same motivation: Being more grounded in reality and distrust. The things I'd group in this "explanation" are:

No Inner Monologues/Thoughts

No flashbacks

No Thoughts

Okay, so this one is the first one I noticed this trend on. In case you didn't know: TPN basically scratches all inner thoughts or has the characters say them out loud instead. Why? I think I know: Trust.

I'll abuse Ray as an example for this: I didn't trust Ray after and during Episode 5. Can you really blame me? LOOK AT HIM:

The anime overdid it, even if it's mainly because movement emphasizes his  gestures. I was inclined to trust Ray but after THAT I wasn't so sure anymore. He SAYS he did it for them. But who can tell if he says the truth? The only place people are honest is in their head. But we can't see in his head. It's not very likely, but it could still be that he lies to Norman. We can't know for sure. But the thing is, when I read the manga content of episode 5, it's really clear where Ray stands, because he thinks it very clearly.

You might say “It was obvious Ray thought this way” but you can always say that afterwards. Fact is, it planted doubt in my head and therefore it could have been both. And the Anime presumably makes this change to make instances like this more extreme and suspenseful. We can only judge Ray (and everyone else for that matter) on how they can judge each other: on what they say and what they do. Not what they think.

Think about it, the anime REALLY tries to put us in the character's shoes: There are all these weird perspective shots around weird corners and angels, it feels like someone is watching them, at all times. We feel anxious about it. Just as they probably do about being found out. These shots are also mostly when they do something in secret or talk about the plan directly. 

They can't know what the others think. They can't see in their head. Neither can we in the anime. We mistrust everyone as much as they could, if they wanted to. 

And I don't wanna say that it's better that way. It makes everyone a blackbox, which makes it harder to have easily understandable characters and harder to know what they are plotting in their heads. It doesn't feel like we know them very well, because we don't really do. MHA is the best example of me enjoying simple characters a lot more. I have trouble understanding very complex characters, so I'm the last person to be against inner thoughts but I think not having them is an interesting choice here.

And lastly: The flashbacks. Some people have said the anime is cutting content (which from what I've seen I've only noticed in instances that weren't too important to me or where important information was conveyed differently, for example: Mama playing chess with the trio. It was in the manga, I saw it and it wasn't in the anime, but in EP1 they said that they never were able to beat Mama at chess. Information covered, also it's less in your face). 

Listen, there's no way they CAN'T cut content. They have to press like 40 chapters into 12 episodes. That's a lot. I won't deny it. A few more episodes wouldn't have hurt this adaptation. But honestly I'd rather have a somewhat closed arc than a random cut somewhere in the middle. So far I don't feel like we've missed stuff that was integral to the story, but I also don't know if some of the stuff was foreshadowing something.

But I think this also ties in with making us feel more like the characters: Flashbacks don't happen in Real Life. If I talk to someone and they tell me about something I wasn't present at, I won't just start to see it. I can visualize it, but that's it. AND If you see somehting, you're more inclined to believe it. That’s why TV News work better. That’s why when you see a dead person on photos it’s more impactful than reading “Someone died”. In that way, it makes us distrust the statements/stories more because we have no reason to believe it actually happened.

I think this approach is amazing and it works on me. I stopped reading the manga because it confirmed/denied (don’t wanna give it away) my doubts about Ray. I felt like this wasn't the way I wanted to experience this story.

BUT. there's a problem. It's tonally interesting and makes for a much more suspenseful experience imo (something else the anime really likes to emphasize: suspense) BUT it creates problems when there's important information in these flashbacks or inner thoughts that can't naturally be converted to be conveyed differently. And that's how Krone becomes stupid; screaming out her plans for everyone in the house to hear.

Yes, it's annoying. But these changes are too consistent between each other, all adding suspense and distrust and somewhat putting us in the character's shoes, to not be intentional. I don't think this is shortening things or trying to ruin the manga. It's a different way to experience a story and I enjoy it a lot personally.

It also makes this somewhat unusual shonen even less shonen-y.

The Composition

This kind of ties in which the last one, but it's a smaller thing. Some shots of the manga have been changed or made less "visually interesting" in the manga, which I think it another part of trying to be more grounded and have less extreme moments animation-wise that takes you out of the usually pretty normal and dare i say somewhat "boring" shots. It's creating a different visual style with the 3D models and pans indoors, etc.

I really can't argue much here, I think this is mostly due to medium, though I won't deny this was probably an active change/choice by someone rather than adapting to a different medium. I like both styles, it's just in different mediums and plays to a different atmosphere.

Small thing but I wanna talk about it: The Nightmare (EP5)

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh boi. This exploded in my social bubble. If you don't know: Norman "hugged" (more like grabbed their faces) both Ray and Emma in the manga and the anime... yeah, made it about Emma.

I'm biased. I like them together so I screamed internally.

But it never bothered me, even after I knew. And at this point, I really like Ray (EP7 really sold me on him), and I'm still not upset about it. And I think I know why: I didn't trust Ray as described above.

But Norman does, somewhat. And I get that.

But he just got told that he'd have to essentially choose between Emma and Ray. And I think even without inner thoughts it's obvious that he wants to choose Emma in this thing, he wants to believe in her optimism. But if he "chooses Emma", she could die because of it despite wanting the best for her. I think this is what the dream wants to emphasize (since it seems to imply he did choose to not lie to Emma, since Ray says something about “I told you”), while the manga seems to go for the dilemma of wanting them both to be happy and for it to work out, but it won’t if he won’t decide. That he can’t have it both ways.

I won't deny it depicts Norman as someone who only cares about Emma and that's wrong and misleading. 

But honestly? I just saw Ray laugh and look like a psycho, and I don't trust him. Having Norman hug him in the dream would tonally contrast that. And since the anime (probably intentionally) made Ray less trustworthy, it would be weird to see it directly afterwards. 

Not to mention the scene alltogether changed a lot from the manga to the anime so to say they just changed this one thing for the sake of it would be wrong. For example the anime leads into the dream while it comes out of nowhere in the manga (another thing where the anime builds on suspense where the manga builds on surprise), also Ray doesn’t even fall down in the first place (so Norman doesn’t just leave Ray on the ground, actually Ray even dissappears in the wide shot) and so Norman doesn’t try to carry/drag him and Ray is also a little more creepy and guilt-tripping than in the manga (at least it felt that way to me). 

They actively chose to do this, obviously and they could have chosen to not do it, and I do agree it would have been important to reestablish the bond between Norman and Ray after that conversation and portraying Ray as creepy AGAIN isn’t helping trusting him. But at the same time I didn't think "huh, guess he doesn't care about Ray and everyone else", I thought "welp, there are some complications with Ray right now so it makes sense".

Plus, don't kill me, but I think the manga panel looks awkward. He essentially grabs their faces, it seems more DESPERATE which is fine emotion to have in that situation but it doesn't feel very careful and loving for the lack of a better word.

In the anime he really touches her carefully (that sounds so wrong save my soul pls), and I can’t even say it's better, it's different and I want to believe it was because of the contrast and the meaning it could have as well as symbolizing a different mindset about having to choose between them.

Or the one responsible for storyboards / directing really just likes Noremma WHO KNOWS.

But at the same time, in episode 1 they changed the way back to the house. Tbh there they toned down the ship, Emma isn't clinging to him and seemingly searching for physical support. Don't get me wrong, I was like "I was robbed of this moment" BUT I prefer the anime’s way of doing that. I like the moment, but I think for the overall tone and characters it's better the way the anime did it. I can't say the same with as much confidence for the Nightmare scene but I don't believe it was to emphasize Noremma or remove Ray actively. I think it was a choice to be able to animate it more easily, to portray the dilemma within the dream and to have more tonal consistence.

And that's really what I have to say. The anime does things differently and I prefer it. I'm biased, yes. 

And yes I get it I’d be frustrated too when anime leave out stuff I like (Noragami cough) but I don't feel like TPN did anything to lessen the experience, and if they did end up doing so, I believe it was in an attempt to do a different approach.

Even after having watched the Noragami Anime first, I mostly prefer the manga of Noragami in terms of plot and build-up, but I don't feel the same for TPN. 

I pretty much think they [the anime and the manga] are on equal footing but with different strengths and the anime deviating at times. But I won’t know my final opinion on this until the anime ends (I don’t want it to thoooo) and I have read the s1-content of the manga.

Thanks for coming to my TedTalk.

if you excuse me I will prepare to be executed now.

[missytearex]

Happy 1D fanworks appreciation day! I thought I would celebrate by sharing my ultimate favourites. So, in no particular order, here we go!

Vanguard by catholicschoolgirl | @catholicschoolgirl --- 40k, Zarry

“But you've been thinking about me,” Harry said. “You've been thinking about me, and now you know that I've been thinking about you. Since before we even met, I've wanted you.”

Zayn smiled wryly, feeling cynical all of a sudden. “And it's that easy?”

Harry nodded. “It should be. People try to make it hard, but I've gotta believe it's that easy. It's everything else about this damn world that's hard.”

This one absolutely destroyed me. It’s set in the 60′s during the Vietnam war. I was completely transported there. Do yourself a favour and have a listen to the fanmix as well. It really adds to the immersion.

there's no fair in farewell by we_are_the_same | @so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed --- 218k, Larry

When Harry and Louis, two Cupids who have been bringing people together for decades, are tasked with making Soulmates Liam and Zayn fall in love, it proves to be much harder than expected. But maybe, just maybe, that isn’t such a bad thing after all.

This was the first WIP I’ve let myself read in years, and guys, it paid off! I have such a soft spot for it, as I was reading along while it was being posted. Take note that it is complete now! It’s just such an original story. I laughed, I cried, I yelled in capslock. Go read this right now, if you haven’t yet!

Under All Circumstances by lazy_daze | @dazy-laze --- 38k, OT5

When Liam decides to sign up for an online dating website, his main worry is how scary it is to finally have the chance to go out with a boy; he’s definitely not anticipating having to deal with the website glitch that sets him up on a blind date with not just one boy, but four at the same time.

Somehow, the date goes well – so well that the other four convince Liam that they all need to do it again, and for some crazy reason Liam agrees. Maybe it’s because he really likes these loud, ridiculous, frankly gorgeous boys.

But it’s stupid, isn’t it? No matter how good it feels, how much fun Liam has, and how lucky he feels that all these people want to kiss him – five people can’t all go out at the same time. Five-way relationships don’t happen, there’s no way they can all make this work. He’s sure of it.

I can’t emphasize enough how much I love this fic. It’s OT5 with feels, which is one of my favourite things ever, and there is not nearly enough of it in this world.

Walk That Mile by purpledaisy | @daisyharry --- 149k, Larry

Harry stares at him, the line of his jaw standing out scarily. “I wanted to get the most out of this trip so I planned it carefully.” His voice is low and steady and somehow that’s worse than when he was yelling. “So far, you’ve put your sticky fingers on everything I’ve tried to do.”

“Sticky fingers?” Louis repeats, offended. “Are you saying it’s my fault you got stung by a bee? Had you been alone you would have gotten halfway to the Dotty Diner and ran the car off the road because of an allergic reaction, so don’t go blaming me.”

“Polk-A-Dot Drive In,” Harry spits before getting out of the car. He slams the door shut with a deafening reverb and Louis rolls his eyes. - A Route 66 AU where falling in love was never part of the plan.

Larry roadtrip AU! I can only imagine how much research must have gone into writing something like this. Pair that with a brilliant writing style and amazing characterizations and, holy shit, you’ve got one incredible story!

Little Lion Man by Writcraft | @writsgrimmyblog --- 123k, Tomlinshaw

It’s his final year at Hogwarts, and Louis can’t wait to leave for good. He hates being in Gryffindor and he can’t even enjoy a smoke with the Slytherins now his best mate Zayn’s fucked off to Durmstrang. Louis would be completely miserable if not for WWN and Nick Grimshaw. The same Nick Grimshaw Louis has been listening to for years, ever since Nick’s early days on Potterwatch. As Louis tries to negotiate coming of age, sexuality, first times, homophobia in the wizarding world and his growing feelings for Nick, a new evil emerges which puts Louis and Nick in serious danger. Peace can only last for so long and Louis is about to learn exactly how brave he can be as he finds himself fighting for his life, his friends and everything he’s ever loved.

This author is an absolute legend among the HP community, and I feel so blessed that they gave us this epic coming-of-age freakin novel of a Tomlinshaw fic. Because that’s what it is. A novel. Reading it feels like reading a Harry Potter book, with added smut. Plus, I have such a soft spot for Tomlinshaw. A must read.

Let It Be Lightning by alexenglish | @queerlyalex --- 41k, OT5

Niall Horan made a choice when he enlisted with the Pan Pacific Defense Corps. Leave his family and try to make a difference. He started out as a Jaeger Tech, elbow-deep in the greasy guts of the machines that were supposed to save the world, but here he is, five years later, fresh out of the Ranger Academy with another choice to make:

Assemble a team of Rangers able to pilot two or more Jaegers at any given moment. Interchangeable partnerships, all Drift Compatible with each other. The implications of pulling off this project are astronomical, but at the end of the day, Niall's just worried about how many people are going to end up inside his head.

If you’re looking for a little diversity, look no further! This one features non-binary!harry, trans-male!louis and asexual!liam all in one damn place! And everyone is connected through Niall! I mean, that pushes so many of my buttons, I don’t even know where to start!

you came into my life by disgruntledkittenface | @disgruntledkittenface --- 57k, Larry

They stand around talking for a minute and then Jonathan starts to ramble, “Has there ever been, like, an unrequited gay love story in here? Like a Brokeback Mountain moment where, like, someone just fell in love and they didn’t mean to?”

Louis feels bile rise in his throat as Jonathan’s eyes sparkle, pleading for a yes. He manages to look around and see thoughtful looks on his coworkers’ faces before their heads shake no.

“Not here,” Liam says finally.

When the Queer Eye cast and crew sweep into Louis’ small town and fire station to make over his best friend and coworker Liam, Louis’ carefully constructed walls start to fall down and he has to face his fears – and the only guy he’s ever been able to see a future with.

I’ve talked about this one before, and to be honest, I probably won’t ever stop talking about it. It’s a story about Louis’ inner struggles and the people that give him the courage to finally come out of the closet. Every which way you turn, there’s a character love and adore. I will definitely be reading this one again some time in the near future.

I Only Come Alive Under the Moonlight by remivel | @remivel --- 54k, Lilo

Louis knew he hadn't seen action in months, but this was just the universe making fun of him, he was sure of it. Because when he woke up in the middle of the night, he discovered that his new dog was missing, and standing in its place was a very confused, very fit... and very naked man.

Or a romantic comedy with a furry twist. Liam turns into a dog at night, Louis tries to help him get back to normal-- and ends up falling in love somewhere along the way.

It’s a rom-com, guys! And I actually laughed out loud. Imagine Louis waking up to find a naked Liam in the kitchen. And Liam having no idea how he got there, or even who he is. It’s so fun to join their weird little bubble for a while. I could’ve easily read another 50k words of this.

Replay, Darling by lazy_daze | @dazy-laze --- 1k, Lilo

Really, really schmoopy Lilo 'Replay' fic for which I blame onedirectionundergod and the fact that there can never been enough 'Replay' schmoop. (Or porn - oh man, please - but this is version: schmoop.) Thank you to checkthemargins for the title help! <3

This one really is sickly-sweet, but that’s just how I like ‘em! I know it’s short, but my love for Lilo and the whole replay thing makes it one of my favourites.

Easy As All That (Go Around A Time Or Two) by sunsetmog --- 84k, Lilo

Sometimes the hardest part of growing up is figuring out who you are in the first place.

Or: The one where Liam and Louis only kiss when they're on nights out, when it's secret, when there's no one around to see them. If no one knows you're having a sexuality crisis, that means it isn't happening, right?

Or, or: Liam accidentally turns Louis' world upside down.

A high school sixth form AU.

Lilo having a sexuality crisis! I don’t know what more you need me to say, really. When I think about Lilo, this is the fic I think about.

Heart Skips A Beat by harriet_vane --- 27k, Zarry

Harry always kisses everyone, until he starts something he can't finish. (A university AU in which no one goes to class. I am noticing a trend.)

Harry’s characterization is the whole reason I love this fic so much. He absolutely has no freakin idea how to deal with his crush and goes about it all wrong. It’s endearing as much as it is face-palm inducing.

I Could Paint You By Numbers, and Color You In by YinAndYangOnIce --- 12k, Ziall

based off this thing i wrote, basically Niall has a secret admirer and everyone is an idiot

I prefer my Ziall to be of the fluffy variety and this one does not disappoint! It makes me smile like an absolute idiot, which is why you should read it. 

Not Happening by scottmcniceass --- 52k, Ziam

Zayn and Liam are roommates. They hate each other. (Most of the time.)

This was the first Ziam I have ever read and boy did it set the bar high. If you’re into enemies to lovers, as I am, drop everything and read this. 

[diskwrite-ffxiv]

There have been some very excellent posts breaking down the first non-apology from Oz. And now, after the first attempt was generally panned, Oz has made a second go of it: https://imgur.com/a/E9qELpy

As we consider Oz’s words, there is a point I would like to emphasize.

Apologies are an important part of the abuser’s playbook.

And as Lundy Bancroft states in Why Does He Do That?, it doesn’t really matter if the abuser’s apology is sincere or not.

The salient point about remorse, however, is that it matters little whether it is genuine or not. Clients who get very sorry after acts of abuse change at about the same rate as the ones who don’t. The most regretful are sometimes the most self-centered, lamenting above all the injury they’ve done to their own self-image. They feel ashamed of having behaved like cruel dictators and want to revert quickly to the role of benign dictators, as if that somehow makes them much better people.

This is the third time I’ve linked this image with regard to this situation, but it’s because it is paramount that we understand the abuser’s behavior as cyclical and the role that apologies play. 

It’s a little counter-intuitive compared to non-abusive interactions. Under normal circumstances, an apology serves to say things like “hey I messed up and I’m sorry.” It’s part of making things right with someone else, and it’s considered part of the social contract that if someone is sorry for what they did, they will try to do better in the future.

But in the context of the cycle of abuse, that’s not what happens when an abuser apologizes.

Another quote from Bancroft:

After he has purged himself, he typically acts ashamed or regretful about his cruelty or violence, at least in the early years of a relationship. Then he may enter a period when he reminds you of the man you fell in love with—charming, attentive, funny, kind. His actions have the effect of drawing you into a repetitive traumatic cycle in which you hope each time that he is finally going to change for good. You then begin to see the signs of his next slow slide back into abuse, and your anxiety and confusion rise again.

[Once more please excuse the pronouns and specifically gendered way Bancroft has written this book. He is addressing heterosexual romantic relationships because that is what he worked with most in his practice, but so much about abuse is common regardless of the type of personal relationship.]

Ultimately, whether or not an abuser feels sorry means nothing. If they’re going to become a better person, what’s required is that they change the fundamental beliefs, behaviors, and actions that made them an abuser in the first place.

So, let’s talk this second apology.

What does it take for an abuser to change?

In my last extensive post, I quoted Bancroft’s example of what it would take for a man to fully take accountability for vindictively cutting down a neighbor’s tree. So how does Bancroft relate this to abuse, and what abusers must do to truly become better?

I’m going to quote this part in full and it’s a long one, so bear with me. Some details are especially romantic relationship specific, but I left it all in because they are necessary to communicate just how all-encompassing true change for an abuser has to be.

1. Admit fully to his history of psychological, sexual, and physical abusiveness toward any current or past partners whom he has abused. Denial and minimizing need to stop, including discrediting your memory of what happened. He can’t change if he is continuing to cover up, to others or to himself, important parts of what he has done.

2. Acknowledge that the abuse was wrong, unconditionally. He needs to identify the justifications he has tended to use, including the various ways that he may have blamed you, and to talk in detail about why his behaviors were unacceptable without slipping back into defending them.

3. Acknowledge that his behavior was a choice, not a loss of control. For example, he needs to recognize that there is a moment during each incident at which he gives himself permission to become abusive and that he chooses how far to let himself go.

4. Recognize the effects his abuse has had on you and your children, and show empathy for those. He needs to talk in detail about the short-and longterm impact that his abuse has had, including fear, loss of trust, anger, and loss of freedom and other rights. And he needs to do this without reverting to feeling sorry for himself or talking about how hard the experience has been for him.

5. Identify in detail his pattern of controlling behaviors and entitled attitudes. He needs to speak in detail about the day-to-day tactics of abuse he has used. Equally important, he must be able to identify his underlying beliefs and values that have driven those behaviors, such as considering himself entitled to constant attention, looking down on you as inferior, or believing that men aren’t responsible for their actions if “provoked” by a partner.

6. Develop respectful behaviors and attitudes to replace the abusive ones he is stopping. You can look for examples such as improving how well he listens to you during conflicts and at other times, carrying his weight of household responsibilities and child care, and supporting your independence. He has to demonstrate that he has come to accept the fact that you have rights and that they are equal to his.

7. Reevaluate his distorted image of you, replacing it with a more positive and empathic view. He has to recognize that he has had mental habits of focusing on and exaggerating his grievances against you and his perceptions of your weaknesses and to begin instead to compliment you and pay attention to your strengths and abilities.

8. Make amends for the damage he has done. He has to develop a sense that he has a debt to you and to your children as a result of his abusiveness. He can start to make up somewhat for his actions by being consistently kind and supportive, putting his own needs on the back burner for a couple of years, talking with people whom he has misled in regard to the abuse and admitting to them that he lied, paying for objects that he has damaged, and many other steps related to cleaning up the emotional and literal messes that his behaviors have caused. (At the same time, he needs to accept that he may never be able to fully compensate you.)

9. Accept the consequences of his actions. He should stop whining about, or blaming you for, problems that are the result of his abuse, such as your loss of desire to be sexual with him, the children’s tendency to prefer you, or the fact that he is on probation.

10. Commit to not repeating his abusive behaviors and honor that commitment. He should not place any conditions on his improvement, such as saying that he won’t call you names as long as you don’t raise your voice to him. If he does backslide, he cannot justify his abusive behaviors by saying, “But I’ve done great for five months; you can’t expect me to be perfect,” as if a good period earned him chips to spend on occasional abuse.

11. Accept the need to give up his privileges and do so. This means saying good-bye to double standards, to flirting with other women, to taking off with his friends all weekend while you look after the children, and to being allowed to express anger while you are not.

12. Accept that overcoming abusiveness is likely to be a lifelong process. He at no time can claim that his work is done by saying to you, “I’ve changed but you haven’t,” or complain that he is sick of hearing about his abuse and control and that “it’s time to get past all that.” He needs to come to terms with the fact that he will probably need to be working on his issues for good and that you may feel the effects of what he has done for many years.

13. Be willing to be accountable for his actions, both past and future. His attitude that he is above reproach has to be replaced by a willingness to accept feedback and criticism, to be honest about any backsliding, and to be answerable for what he does and how it affects you and your children.

If this sounds like a lot, that’s because it is. But as Bancroft says himself:

Abusive men don’t make lasting changes if they skip any of the above steps, and some are easier than others. Most of my clients find it fairly easy to apologize, for example. In fact, an abuser may weave apologies into his pattern of abuse, so that when he says “I’m sorry,” it becomes another weapon in his hand.

[...]

But even a genuine and sincere apology is only a starting point. Many of my clients make it through the first three steps: They admit to a substantial portion of their abuse; they agree that their actions resulted from choice rather than loss of control; and they apologize. Then they dig in their heels at that point. An abuser’s sense of entitlement is like a rude, arrogant voice screaming inside his head. It yells at him: “You’ve given up too much already; don’t budge another inch. They already talked you into saying your abuse is all your own fault when you know she’s at least half to blame because of the shit that she does. She should be grateful to you for apologizing; that wasn’t easy to do. She’s lucky you’ve gone this far; a lot of guys would tell her to go screw, you know.” And the voice drags him back into the mud that he had finally taken a couple of baby steps out of.

So if your conclusion from all of this is that there is no apology from Oz that will be good enough, what do you mean by “good enough”? Does “good enough” mean, displays that they will be able to affect genuine change on themselves and improve? Because if that’s the case, then you’re right. Abusers can and do sincerely and genuinely apologize, then go on to repeat the cycle of abuse once more.

That is the typical behavior after an apology. If Oz is going to stop being an abuser, they’re going to have to do a whole lot more than offer a good apology.

And this still wasn’t a good apology.

The second apology

This reads like Oz saw our criticisms and then, like a student making cuts to a paper after their teacher’s instruction, cut out everything we specifically objected to without understanding why we took umbrage with it in the first place.

Honestly? This is not a good start.

I’m going to respond to a request I’ve seen that I be more plainspoken and more direct. I originally worried that might come across flippant and dismissive, but I appreciate not everyone sees it the same way. I apologise in advance if this comes across a little too conversational or free-association.

The problem was not you talking “too smart” or with the “wrong tone” as you seemed to say in your conversation with @captain-ameribunny. The problem was that you were more interested in saying what you didn’t do and deflecting accountability than actually owning what you did.

I know I have hurt people and I am sorry. There were times it was absolutely my intent to do harm. Regardless of what reason I had, where I was in that moment, that’s what I did.

So why mention your reasons or “where you were in that moment” at all? Tucked away in the heart of that is the ghost of what you truncated from your first apology- all your attempts to say outside influences drove you to the behavior. It’s like a door you carved into your words. You shoved your justifications behind the threshold then closed the door behind them. Perfectly poised to open at the right opportunity to explain away what you did and why you did it. To others, and to yourself.

If you are one of those people, I apologise. Knowing full well the feelings of alienation that come from someone turning their anger on you, I engaged in that exact anger. I knowingly used that fear to bad ends and displayed a general lack of empathy.

I responded to conflict in destructive, unhealthy, and sometimes objectively cruel ways. I blurred the lines between the minor failures of others and critical flaws that define people for what they are. I used the simple humanity of other people as leverage against them and refused to show compassion for the pain that caused.

I harassed and held grudges against people who didn’t deserve it. When those people defended themselves, I used that natural and rational reaction as a reason to mock them and as proof of the vile image of them I had created.

This section has a very similar problem to the one previous. By claiming they blurred the lines between “the minor failures of others and critical flaws that define people for what they are,” Oz is still subtly saying that the people they went after did something wrong. They’ve essentially labeled their behavior as a destructive overreaction, but leaves room to state that sometimes it was deserved. 

Oz of course doesn’t clarify exactly which people “deserved it” and which didn’t.

I said in my previous apology that I am sorry for contributing to a cycle of anger and anguish and I stand by that. What I did made the world a worse place. I excused countless of my own wrongs that went on to hurt innocent people, directly and indirectly. There were times I saw the hurt I caused and simply chose to not care because of whatever validation I found to justify that and all I can say now is that I am sorry.

Honestly, a blanket apology isn’t enough for this. You gleefully trashed people publically for months. Sometimes years. You prided yourself on trying to drive your targets out of the community. If some of those people were innocent, wouldn’t directly coming out about how you mistreated them and you were wrong do a lot to help make things right?

But instead, you’re still asking for people to approach you in private for anything beyond general apologies.

I do not know who does and does not wish to speak with me about any of this and I do not want anyone to feel put-upon or isolated by me trying to initiate that. If you feel you would benefit from speaking to me about any way I’ve wronged you, please, I invite you to do so. I want to hear what you have to say and I would appreciate the chance to extend my apology to you personally.

First off, you’ve framed it in a way to sound like you’re leaving this at a blanket apology for the benefit of the people you’ve hurt. 

The thing is, if you’re not willing to publically walk back the specific terrible things you said and did, what’s to stop that harm from continuing? All the whispers you spread about people will persist. Reputations will still lie in tatters. 

And furthermore, if you’re not willing to publically state which specific examples were wrong, you’ve given us plenty of room to believe you’re apologizing for those examples without you actually ever stating you were abusive in that particular situation.

After all, you just reminded us that sometimes you went after people for “minor failures” but other times it was because of “critical flaws.” Which was which? Are you willing to own up to the exact examples you completely mistreated someone?

Frankly, it does you more good to leave this at a blanket apology than it does the people you hurt. It saves you from having to specifically look us in the eye and tell us that all that fire you breathed at so-and-so was actually abuse.

And beyond this, now that we’ve gone through your entire second apology- are you going to own up to how you first responded to people calling you out with unbridled rage? Then with talking repeatedly about how this was all just manufactured outrage that was going to blow over? Then with claims that other outside forces made you this way, that people enabled you, that your intentions were good, that this was just a relapse, and we should qualify and excuse your behavior for any or all of these reasons?

If you don’t actively own up to- and stop- this kind of behavior, then you won’t change.

Your only qualification on this post was that you weren’t plainspoken and direct enough the first time. Really, if that’s what you think the problem was, then you don’t get it at all.

So while we’re speaking of some of the specific things you said, let’s take a look at some examples.

Specific examples of behavior

The Tweets

Let’s recount the last time you actually got specific about anything you were accused of: https://imgur.com/a/GFfW0f2

This is the album of tweets that I linked in the last post I made. You’re still pretty general about it, sure. But you are speaking very clearly about various topics and saying that under no circumstances have you endorsed or done them.

As I pointed out in my last post, we have screenshots that show you did some of these things. So, is your stance still that you did not in fact do any of it, despite our hard evidence that you did? Which of the screenshots are things that you didn’t actually do? Are the people who provided those screenshots liars, or did you genuinely wrong them? I’d like to hear your explanation. Publically, please.

<<SASS>>

I’m going to start this section by linking @honhonoura​ ‘s post: http://honhonoura.tumblr.com/post/175621265651/i-am-a-knight-of-the-round-vegetable

But the reason I’m speaking on this in particular is, over the course of things, I was provided with some screenshots that I am now sharing with permission. Since you deleted your blog, it’s much harder to find evidence of your abuse, but as we’ve observed some of your victims recorded what you did to them long before. All of these posts were there. And they were very public, I might add.

Oz is going on about this here because one of the <<SASS>> members was autistic.

In it, Oz has stated that if someone is too mentally ill to accept responsibility for abusive actions and can’t stop themselves from abusing other people, they shouldn’t run a guild or put themselves in charge of others.

Here, Oz is very insistent that someone who has been abusive paints themselves as the victim, they’re doing something wrong. I presume that “painting yourself as a victim” includes stating that someone else abused you, which motivated you to be abusive yourself.

In both of these posts, Oz has made very strong statements about abuse and what it is acceptable for the abuser to do and not do. They were made in the context of calling someone else out, the context that @honhonoura​ elaborated on in her post.

Oz, do you still stand by your opinions in these posts? Do you believe you were justified in posting them? Do you believe they were aimed at an appropriate target? Would you say you went after <<SASS>> because you perceived, to use your own words, a “minor failure” or a “critical flaw that define people for what they are”?

Your post about <<SASS>> in 2018 before you deleted your Tumblr certainly gave every indication that you stood by what you did them in 2014. You were very willing to talk about them the same way today that you did back then, so I would like to hear your stance on everything I’ve just shared now. And again,  since you went to such great lengths to publically smear their name, I would like your response publically please. 

Balmung Blessings

I would like to share with everyone the two posts that motivated me to unfollow Balmung Blessings long before I knew who ran it.

Post 1: https://imgur.com/a/PU09rG1

Post 2: https://imgur.com/a/uuTL4tD

The first post is very... long. 

At the time I read it, not knowing Oz was involved, the part that gave me pause began where they spoke about how the blog was approaching 800 followers, which starts on image 9 of the album.

It struck me as deeply uncomfortable that their number of followers motivated their thoughts towards how that would give them power over the community. They spoke of it as influence and mused on how they “weren’t sure what to do with that ‘power.’” As if that was something that could be wielded over people.

Uh. When I approached 800 followers, you want to know what my biggest thought was?

“Ho jeez that’s a lot of people HOLY FUCK WHERE DID YOU ALL COME FROM man I better not be a fuckhead.”

The primary feeling that my follower count gives me- aside from general “when did you all get here??”- is a sense of responsibility. If a lot of people are going to read what I write, that means I should try extra hard to only contribute in productive and positive ways because I don’t want to inadvertently hurt people.

The very notion of looking at that number and perceiving it as power makes me feel sick. Physically ill, with a twist of revulsion to my stomach. I don’t care how many followers I have. I’m not here to control people.

Post 2 followed the first shortly after. So, this means that after Oz wrote about how much value they placed on the number of followers their blogs receive- specifically about the sense of power over other people it gave them- stated that they follow many FFXIV blogs because they interacted with Balmung Blessings.

If you interacted with Balmung Blessings, they were likely to bestow followership upon you- and all the significance Oz ascribed to it. Something like quid pro quo.

Back when these posts were written, this made me extremely uncomfortable. I didn’t like the idea that my interaction with the blog was being viewed by the blogrunner as a contribution to a platform to community power. So, I quietly unfollowed the blog.

Learning that Oz was the runner of Balmung Blessings certainly puts those two posts in a different light.

Oz, after all, has placed a great deal of importance on having weight in the community. They have used what influence they’ve sought to gather like a cudgel against other people. 

They were also not above using the Balmung Blessings platform to suit their own means. 

Post 3: https://imgur.com/a/Y439os2

This was made shortly before Oz deleted the blog.

[As a sidenote, I absolutely do not condone sending anonymous hate to anyone under any circumstances. And certainly not spurred by a secrets blog.]

First, even as Oz states they try not to pay too much attention to followers, they still referred to their number of followers as if that was some sort of personal endorsement. They continued to ascribe great meaning to that number, as if that gave them something.

Second, here we see Oz using the Balmung Blessings platform to discount the accusations being made against them- even though on Balmung Blessings they never stated their ownership of the blog- referring to it as “passing drama.” 

Third, they then proceed to talk about how callout posts don’t fix things, they are destructive, and they are wrong.

Oz, is this an opinion you share of the callout posts that you made? Because you have made many. 

And finally,

Post 4: https://imgur.com/a/u9TNaUb

Here under the Balmung Blessings platform, Oz asserts that “anyone has a place in our community as long as they’re doing their level best to be a good and conscientious member,” however if “someone thinks actively spreading hate and inevitably some amount of completely fallacious gossip is doing that,” then they need to either change or leave.

Between the posts about <<SASS>> and the messages relayed through the Balmung Blessings platform, it is clear that Oz has very strong opinions about what is right and wrong behavior when it comes to the actions of other people.

So, Oz. You’ve said an awful lot of things about how people who are shitty and toxic and abusive need to stop leading groups, how they have no excuses for their behavior, and how they either need to change or leave. 

What would you want someone to do if they’d wronged you the same way you’ve wronged other people?

 Are you willing to apply the same standards that you’ve ascribed to other people’s behavior for yourself? Were the standards themselves wrong? I would also like an answer to this. And just like the others, I would like it publically please.

Why are these answers important?

As detailed by Bancroft, just apologizing- sincerely or no- isn’t enough for an abuser to change.

The abuser has to fix their fundamental beliefs and behaviors. If they don’t, they will repeat the cycle of abuse.

The specific examples I’ve brought up throughout this post target a few main points in Oz’s conduct.

1. Denial, deflection, and poisoning the well. Oz has used all of these tactics to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. They have denied behavior we all saw proof of. They have deflected the accusations numerous ways- whether stating it’s all just drama that will blow over, blaming it on Adrian, so on and so forth. And they have actively smeared their targets in ways that are intended to make others distrust or disregard any accusations of wrongdoing.

All of these are common abuser behaviors used to escape criticism and responsibility. If Oz is to change, they will have to fully acknowledge the specific ways they perform these behaviors and then dismantle them. 

2. Entitlement. Abusers act on double-standards. They are entitled to enact a certain behavior or feel a particular emotion, but the abused is not. Anger is a common target. The abuser believes their anger is acceptable, however the anger of the abused is unreasonable or unjustified. And as Bancroft points out, just because the abuser apologizes, that doesn’t mean they’ve given these beliefs up.

If Oz is to change, they will have to acknowledge the disparities in their belief system that they utilized to justify their own behavior while castigating that same behavior in others. But not only that, they will have to relinquish all double-standards and any of the advantages those gave them. 

3. Power. To bring back the quote from Bancroft used in my previous post:

The term abuse is about power; it means that a person is taking advantage of a power imbalance to exploit or control someone else.

Oz’s fixation on and interpretation of follower counts speaks to a deepset focus on establishing power over other people. Indeed, that sort of power is something Oz has regularly sought out. They have openly spoken of getting a thrill out of making others afraid, and one need only look to one of their “crusades” to see how willing they are to use this power like a sledgehammer against someone else.

If Oz is to change, they are going to have to give this up. Period. Because fixing abusive behavior requires the abuser to relinquish the advantages that behaving abusively gave, Oz needs to relinquish their desire to obtain power. And they absolutely need to refrain from using their social platforms against other people. 

These three points are merely a handful of the beliefs and behaviors Oz will need to fix if they are going to change. 

Putting up a couple blanket apologies and telling people they can contact them privately for anything more isn’t anywhere close to what needs to happen. 

Given how perfectly everything fits into the cycle of abuse thus far, and with how rare it is for an abuser to actually change, I would advise everyone to be very cautious about taking their apologies as a sign that they will improve.

Oz, since I know you’re going to read this- I’ve said it once before and I’ll say it again. If you aren’t already getting professional help for this you should get some. And you should try to find someone who specializes in helping abusers. Be upfront with them about what you did, and don’t try to wriggle away from it.

If you are truly sincere about believing your behavior was reprehensible, then do what it takes to change it. This is what it takes. And it’s a long hard journey, but if you have the bravery and the strength to follow through, then it’ll be worth it in the end when you never hurt another person this way again.

[justanotherwannabeclassic]

Finding Neverland (12/?)

Summary: When Juliet Jones and Gideon Gold fall through a time portal and find themselves in Neverland, finding a way back home is the least of their worries. One wrong step can irreversibly change the course of history, placing both of their existences in jeopardy. As Juliet attempts to ensure her parents are on course to falling in love, Gideon struggles with the realization that he’s about to meet his deceased brother for the very first time. Will they succeed in preserving the timeline, and what happens when these star-crossed lovers realize their respective families’ goals are at odds? Relationships: Gideon Gold x OC Swan-Jones kiddo, Captain Swan, references to Rumbelle and slight Swanfire

Read now on AO3.

Previous Chapters: [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11]

Chapter 12

Over the years, Emma has imagined kissing Neal again. How could she not? He’d been her first love, and everything between them had felt so unfinished. She’d never truly found closure -- still hasn’t, if she’s honest with herself -- so, she’d find herself fantasizing. Fantasizing about kissing him, about raising Henry together, about all the things they couldn’t have because he betrayed her.

He left her.

Maybe that’s why, when he kisses her for the first time, she doesn’t pull away immediately. Maybe that’s why she doesn’t introduce him to her right hook -- she thinks, vaguely, that Killian might be amused by the pun. Instead, she stands frozen as his lips mold to hers. There’s a part of her that thinks this kiss might be something out of a fairytale. It’s the same part of that’s still seventeen, and hoping against hope that something went wrong, and that Neal didn’t let her take the fall for the watches.

But here’s the thing: Emma Swan isn’t seventeen anymore. She’s twenty-nine, with over a decade of pain and baggage under her belt. And there’s more than just that, the anger and resentment, there’s --

“Stop it!”

Neal jerks away suddenly at Juliet’s cry, and Emma does her best to ignore the wave of relief crashing over her as she draws her attention to the young woman who had previously been missing. Juliet stares at them, wearing an expression that can only be described as betrayal. It’s only then that Emma remembers that she’s in a crowd, and embarrassment floods her. Juliet must notice it too, because her cheeks turn a bright pink as she begins to stammer, “You, um, you can’t just grab people and kiss them.”

“It’s basic consent,” Romeo chimes in, and Emma wonders if she’s suddenly been transported into some after-school PSA about healthy relationship dynamics. Not that it would be any stranger than being in Neverland.

Neal raises his hands in supplication, “Hey, I didn’t mean it that--"

“You know, Juliet is right,” Emma hears her father cut in from somewhere behind her. She wonders if the ground might swallow her whole. She doesn’t want to deal with the overprotective father bit at the moment, especially since she is an adult who didn’t even want to be kissing Neal in the first place.

“More to the point, we have more important things to worry about than...that,” Regina adds, her voice dripping with barely concealed venom as she levels a dark glare toward both she and Neal. Emma feels a bubble of anger, even after Regina crosses her arms, and redirects her attention toward Juliet. “Where were you?”

Good question, Emma thinks. They had spent the past day or so worrying about Juliet, and suddenly she appears unharmed, Hook, Romeo, and Neal in tow. It’s suspect, especially since Neal is supposed to be dead. He should be dead. I watched him die.

“Kidnapped by Pan. We both were,” she gestures toward Neal. Juliet then looks back up to Gideon. “And these two were were attempting to find us. Keyword being attempting, because we got out just fine.”

“I wouldn’t say just fine,” Neal cuts in.

Juliet glares. “We’re not dead yet, are we?”

Though Emma appreciates Juliet’s spunk -- she’s never been a fan of the damsel-in-distress thing, herself -- Emma can’t help but notice something strange about the way Juliet and Neal are speaking. Almost as if they talking around one another, judging by their use of emphasis on words.

“So how did you escape?”

“We traded secrets,” Juliet shrugs. Ah, secrets, Emma thinks, this is probably why they sounded weird.  “There’s a cave, and its whole schtick is secrets. We shared secrets, so we were able to leave.”

“And what secrets did you share?” It’s Regina who asks this, one perfectly manicured eyebrow raised. Her gaze is intense, and Emma is thankful she’s not the one on the receiving end -- for once.

“It’s a secret. You can’t share secrets,” Juliet says, surprisingly defiant.

“This isn’t some middle school slumber party, this is--”

“My secret was that I would rather my mother have been killed by pirates than have her abandon me, and hers is that she’s having second thoughts about her relationship with her boyfriend,” Neal cuts in. Juliet’s jaw drops, and her gaze darts to Romeo.

“Babe, I--”

“Secrets, right?” Romeo disentangles his hand from her, and moves a step away. For moment, Juliet looks as if she might cry, and Emma once again finds herself wishing she were anywhere but here. She tears her gaze away from the couple, only to find Hook. His expression is stony, but there’s a certain sadness in his eyes. She’s about to wonder why, until she recalls Neal’s half of his confession.

“I would rather my mother have been killed by pirates than have her abandon me.”

She knows Killian wouldn’t have made the same trade. She wants to say something, she isn’t sure of what. David steps in before she can find words.

“That takes a lot of courage to admit,” he says, reminding Emma why some take the Prince Charming moniker at literally. A glance over to Romeo and Juliet makes Emma think that they would rather Neal be a coward. Hook likely feels the same way, too. “So, I take it after leaving the cave, you met up with Hook and Romeo?” David’s expression turns sour. “Thanks for telling us you were leaving, by the way. We really appreciate it.” Hook lets out a broken laugh. “Believe me, if I thought I had the time, I would have. Our star-crossed lover over here was quite eager to find his lady love.”

“Something could have happened to you.”

“Why, Dave, I didn’t know you cared.” Hook adopts stance that Emma can only describe as ‘cocky asshole’.

“I don’t. I just prefer to be aware. You’re the one who’s always going on about how dangerous this island is. You could have died, and we wouldn’t have known.”

“Oh, I’m sure Pan would have flaunted my head on spike sooner or later, but I appreciate your concern.”

“Excuse me, do I need to take out a measuring tape so you two can finish comparing sizes, or should we get to the matter at hand. Your squabbles are--”

“Can we please not talk about comparing sizes?” Emma overhears Juliet whisper in response to Regina’s admonishment, and she can’t help but agree with the young woman.

“--doing nothing to help us find my son.”

“Our son,” Emma emphasizes, because even if she can’t control Neal or anything else in this fucked up situation, she can control this. No matter what, she still Henry’s mother.

“Right.” Regina only manages to look somewhat annoyed.

“And we do have the upper hand on Pan,” Neal adds. “I doubt he thinks all of us would end up together as quickly as he did.”

“Neal’s right. It’s likely the demon wasn’t preparing us to progress so quickly.” Hook casts a dark look toward Romeo. “As it stands, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’ll appear quite vexed to find his plans foiled.”

“I don’t care about how vexed he is. I care about saving Henry,” Emma tells him. The idea of Henry being trapped by an irate Pan makes her sick.

“And we will, Swan. Of that I have no doubt.” Hook stares at her meaningfully, and Emma realizes that he actually means it. He honestly doesn’t have any doubt in their ability to rescue Henry. She avoids dwelling on why that means so much.

“Thank you.” “As heartwarming as that was to witness, it’s still not a plan.” So they plan.

Or, at least, attempt to plan. They settle the outline of something -- capturing Pan’s shadow, and it’s Regina who offers to go off and find Gold, much to Neal’s relief -- with minimal debates. But by the time they have half of the plan settled, everyone is exhausted. The lack of sleep weighs heavily on everyone, adrenaline only carrying them so far. Juliet had been the first to turn in, retreating to her makeshift bedroll before any plan had been settled upon. However, considering the circumstance of her recent capture, no one brooked argument. Not even Romeo, who had kept his careful distance from her, still apparently spurned by the Neal’s reveal of her secret. But when they all settle for what’s left of the night, Emma still notices that he retreats to sleep near Juliet, albeit at an arm’s length of a distance.

It would be easy, Emma thinks, to fault Juliet for having second thoughts about Romeo. After all, everyone here had recently witnessed the level of Romeo’s dedication to the woman he loved. How could anyone have second thoughts about someone so devoted? But Emma reminds herself that she doesn’t know Juliet or Romeo that well. They had been in a fight earlier. And for all she knows, Romeo might have done something unforgivable in the past. And if Juliet is having second thoughts about that, can anyone blame her? Some transgressions just can’t be forgiven or forgotten, not matter how much the other party wants them to be. As Emma settles once again in her own bedroll, she hates herself for finding the couple’s relationship woes a welcome distraction. It’s much easier to focus on theirs than hers, and analyzing their dynamic keeps her from thinking about all the terrible things that could be happening to Henry. Regardless of the questions she has, Emma can’t help but find herself still rooting for the couple, which is something she can’t say about Neal.

 -/-

 Everything is slower in the morning. Gideon can feel the weight of the restless night in every aching muscle. He knows he ought to move up from the ground and his makeshift bedroll, but after an extended period of being separated from Juliet, he revels in the warm press of her body against his and the way she buries herself into his chest. Despite falling asleep separately in an effort to keep up the ruse of quarrelling lovers, they had gravitated toward one another in the night. Even though it doesn’t aid their cover, he doesn’t fight it. Her soft, even breaths tell him that she’s asleep, and he doesn’t relish the idea of waking her. She had gotten just as little rest as he had, maybe less. She needs this, he thinks as presses a soft kiss to the crown of her head.

It’s still early yet, but Gideon can hear the slight stirring of the members of the camp -- another reason for him to feign sleep. As much as Gideon appreciates Neal’s quick thinking at concocting secrets, he still feels uneasy around the man, mostly because he hadn’t been prepared to see Neal at all. He’d known it was an inevitability, but Juliet’s disappearance had made him briefly forget that the brother he’d never met was here. Knowing that Neal also knew of his identity only elevates the dread. He doesn’t have the cover of pretending to be a stranger to talk to the man. Neal knows that Gideon is his younger brother, and all interactions going forward would be that of brothers.

Neal can no longer be an abstract concept to him. This is his opportunity to get to know his brother as a man -- his traits, his personality -- and not just the sketches that his father, Henry, and Emma had drawn with their stories of him. And, in turn, this is his chance for his brother to get to know him, Gideon Gold.

It’s terrifying.

And it’s made all the worse by knowing their motivations for whatever happens in Neverland are in direct opposition.

They both want to save Henry, sure, but Neal is approaching from the perspective of a worried father, whereas Gideon -- though he loves Henry --  just wants the situation to play out how it’s supposed to. His brother’s earlier display, however, highlights something else: Neal wants to rekindle his relationship with Emma, something that Gideon absolutely cannot allow to happen.

Gideon’s well aware of the tropes that appear in TV and movies. Falling for the older sibling’s significant other has been a plot played out at least a hundred times, but Gideon doubts any media has covered what happens when you fall for the daughter of the older sibling you’ve never met, and whose existence depends on your brother staying very far away.

The running joke in his and Juliet’s relationship, and their ability to vaguely play the parts they’re playing now, has hinged on their fathers’ mutual history of hostility. Neal had been an non-issue, except when Henry had expressed his own personal discomfort with his “uncle” dating his “baby sister”. But now Neal very much is an issue, and Gideon can’t help but feel as if he, himself, is a roadblock standing in front of his brother’s happiness -- a complication he never once considered.

“If you squeeze any tighter, I’m pretty sure you’re gonna break my ribs.” Juliet’s voice is soft, a whisper into his shirt that he knows no one can overhear.

“Sorry,” he mumbles into her hair. He loosens his grip slightly, but doesn’t make any further movements to untangle themselves, continuing his own game of pretend. “You rest any?”

“Not really,” she tells him. “Stressed.”

“Yeah.” Gideon wants nothing more than to stay ensconced like this in their small bubble of warmth, but he knows they can’t, not with what’s at stake. He wishes they were at home, cuddled under the massive blankets that Juliet insists on sleeping under. That would mean they were safe. They would be home. “We’re kinda fucked right now.”

“‘Kinda’ is an understatement.” She tightens her own hold on him. “But, I’m still here, so we’re not totally fucked.”

“No, instead you’re having second thoughts about me.”

“Yeah, only so we can have a fight and get to the makeup sex later.” He feels her grin against his chest, and it takes everything in him to hold back a laugh.

“Later being when we get home, because I cannot imagine anything happening here with everyone around.”

“Oh God, don’t put that picture in my head. The library was bad enough.” This time, it’s Juliet that has to suppress her giggles. She sobers quickly enough. “You know I have no second thoughts, right? About you and me?”

“I know.” He’d been afraid his reaction around the others had been too much, but it would have been unnatural had he done nothing. Juliet had thankfully caught on, but pretending to fight had been unpleasant.

“I’m glad Neal had our backs.”

“Mmmhm.”

“You’re going to have to talk to him about why...and, you know, to not kiss Emma.” He’s too busy not wanting to think any more about Neal that he completely misses the first part of Juliet’s sentence.

“Wait, me? Why me?”

“Because no matter how weird things with my brother, it’d still kill me if I never talked to him. And I think he wants to talk to you. So, talk,” Juliet whispers as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. And maybe it is,but he’s unwilling to admit it right now due the absolute weight of the conversation he knows will come.Besides, talking to Neal will mean letting go of Juliet and putting on yet another act of pretending to be mad at her. That, too, is an unfavorable next action.

“When I’m with Neal, what are you going to do?”

“Get my parents together, of course.”

[firebirdscratches]

Pride flags

I love the explosion in pride flags. I love it.  Yes, the original Rainbow Pride Flag is here for us all, but I think it’s wonderful that people are putting such specific, creative wordsmithing into naming their experience, and that they’re also celebrating our diversity and insisting on wonderful, colorful plurality. It’s inspiring, honestly. It also confuses me when people are like “you just wanna feels special,” or “you’re just making stuff up, now.” Buddy - I’ve got bad news for you about...words. And language. And pretty much 95% of human culture. Things mean what we decide they mean! And to me, it’s so refreshing to see queer people making so many bold, bright, beautiful declarations of who they are. There is a reason the rainbow was the choice for our community - each color represents a different aspect of begin gay, but it also emphasizes that there’s so many ways to be gay, and that we must always embrace and celebrate our uniqueness.  So, I decided to make a post with all the pride flags I’ve found that could apply to me! Some of them are more accurate than others, but these are all flags I’ve identified with at some point. 

Can’t beat a classic!

Oh wait, you totes can. I love how this emphasizes our community’s diversity and challenges us to maintain our commitment to intersectionality and listening to the people of color in our ranks. 

I identified as bisexual in college, when I was first figuring things out! I still feel fine being called bi...I just think there’s other terms that are more specific for me!

For a while I identified as polysexual, but I never really felt like it was a perfect fit, and also it seemed easily confused with polyamorous (which I also am). Finally I settled on...

IT ME! :D

OOOoooo so pretty and sparkly! :D From here on in, I’ll put them under a Readmore so that your dash isn’t dominated by an epic long post! 

I just found about this flag/orientation today! Omnisexual! I’m excited about it! Look how gorgeous the flag is! I’m still not clear on the difference between Pansexual and Omnisexual, I’ve seen it articulated different ways by different people...I think I’d be fine with both, tbh! Until I understand the precise distinction it’s hard for me to say which I feel closer to...but I think I’ll stick with “pan” for now, since it feels more accurate for me than bi or poly, and most people understand it. 

Aces are beautiful and belong in our community! Aces are so great!

I’m a gray ace, or graysexual...this is the pride flag for that :D 

This is the original intersex flag...

And this is the new one. I LOVE IT! I never cared for the way the old flag insisted on a gender binary with its pink and blue, though the white was supposed to represent nonbinary intersex people...also it was frequently mistaken for the trans flag, and while I am intersex, I’m definitely not trans, as I was AFAB and identify as a woman. (I didn’t even find out I had an intersex condition until I was 18!) I like how unique this new design is! 

Polyamory pride! :D 

Did you know that lesbians who prefer to kiss and cuddle than have sex used to be called “Bambi Lesbians?” How adorable! And how useful for the ace sapphics today! This was designed by @alouette-lulu, along with a lot of other deer pride flags! She didn’t originally intend them to be “Bambi” pride flags, but I think it works perfectly!

Here’s another design for Bambi lesbians! 

...but I’m not technically a lesbian, so here’s a Perfect Bambi Pan flag! XD I ADORE these, thanks so much for sharing your art, @alouette-lulu!

The sapphic pride flag! AAAAH It’s so pretty!! Sometimes the violets are drawn, instead of being shopped in like this. Did you know that in the language of flowers, Violets were used even centuries ago to express Sapphic romance? Dreamy! <3

The queer flag! Well....one of them. XD I love the word queer, I love how defiant it is, I love its history, I love its refusal to be simply defined, and most of all I love how nobody can agree what the queer flag is, it’s perfect!! I hope there’s always twenty different queer flags because that’s just so QUEER AND PERFECT!!

Another queer flag design!

Oooo Geometry, YAAAAS

TRUTH

The BDSM Pride Flag! I’m not as active in the community as I used to be, but it was honestly lifesaving when I was going through a difficult time, and I learned SO MUCH about who I am as a person through my time in my local kink community.

The Leather pride flag! I’ve often seen this used interchangeably with the BDSM pride flag, but Leather is actually a very specific subculture of the BDSM community with houses and discipline and apprenticeship protocols. I identify more with the first one, but see this one used more often...it still makes me happy when I see it, like I found a kindred spirit! 

The Sapiosexual flag! For a brief while I identified as sapio, but I eventually realized that while intelligence is a key component in my sexual attraction, it wasn’t the most important - that’s kindness, and a sense of humor. I realized this flag actually wasn’t right for me, but it helped me on my journey! 

I actually just discovered this flag in my googling for this post! I am a fat woman, and I’m learning every day how to be proud of that in a fatphobic culture. And this design is based on Neopolitan ice-cream! How cute! At first, I was really excited about it! Unfortunately, this flag is also associated with feederism, stuffing, padding, and other fat fetish, which I find disappointing. Not because I’m judging people’s kinks, but I do not participate in them - I don’t like being fetishized for my body - that doesnt make me feel “proud.” The “vanilla” stripe is supposed to represent “all BBW and BHM and the people that love them” - but I don’t like the implication that I’m “vanilla” just because I don’t participate in fat fetishism. (I’m decidedly not vanilla.) This is a very new flag, having only been designed in 2011, and I’m sad that I couldn’t find a better example for fat queer people.  So why end on that down note?  Because I’ve decided to design my own Fat Pride flag!! :D Defining our communities for ourselves is a quintessential part of the gay experience. I realized - why am I waiting around for someone else to do it? Be the change you want to see in the world! I’m going to try and do it justice! <3 Thanks for reading my long post, and if you liked and reblogged, have a hug from me. I love my community, and I’m so happy Pride Month is here!