#and i’m tired. also. i want to go home
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brother. i want to go home
#i have a stupid meeting with hr where i’m fairly certain she’s just going to be like ‘we r not even interviewing u for this position. die’#which could be an email. but she insists on an in person meeting#also ramz is sick so it’s a matter of time u til i’m sick.#and it’s the end of the month so i’m broke rn bc i only get paid once a month#and i’m tired. also. i want to go home#漫言
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vent in the tags sorry it’s a big bummer
#i’ve been so excited about my april reading challenge i was staying up to date mostly and everything was awesome#and then last week i spent 10 hours in the ER with my teenage brother. it was truly i think one of the most traumatic days of my whole life#so i slipped and didn’t read anything bc i was too busy with this nightmarish day#the next day i stayed home from work and just took care of him while both my parents were out of town#i got a little back on track w my reading but i knew i would be out of town this weekend#so i went to the bookstore and stocked up on a couple physical copies for the beach#i was truly so excited#and then we had a death in the family#so i canceled my trip and stayed home to grieve w family#and of course truly of course that is the most important thing#and it feels like there’s a hole in my heart and i’m tired and confused and grieving all the time#and i’m also concurrently so sad about fucking up my reading challenge.#grief is weird and i know it’s a trivial thing to be upset about but in between bouts of crying about my grandpa .. i literally just want to#break down and cry about my fucking reading challenge#it’s so dumb even as i type it#but that’s where i am in all honesty.#and i have to go to work tomorrow bc my job sucks. so maybe ill read at my desk in protest.#i just really want to sleep all day for the next week. but i can’t.#bc either my mom needs me or work needs me and both are important bc my mom is my mom and work pays my bills#but i wish i could have one full week to sit in the dark and process everything alone#anyway!!!!!!!!#if you read all this yeesh sorry#pers#tag novel#to delete
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#i’m home sick with a cold so i want to make a poll#i’m pitiful at reading a lot these days bc work exhaustes me#books#fanfiction#i’m curious how much other people read - i go to goodreads and i wonder how fast some of the reviewers read! they sound so impressive#by the time i usually have time to read during my work week i have no mental energy to concentrate well on it#so i’ve been reading easier books lately- even tho i want to read more classics and fantasy#i just took over a month to finish a historical fiction novel#and i started a fantasy romance which i loved! but it was a library book and i couldn’t read it fast enough before having to return it#so i moved to a contemporary fiction by Kikuko Tsumura#which is easier for my tired brain and also really good!#polls
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You know what the weirdest thing about me is? Going outside for other people to places that are fun?? It’s normal. Just having out. For me ?? It feels like a special occasion.
#melifails#anyone else feel that way?#to stores or restaurants or movies#those don’t feel like regular hang out activities it feels formal to me#i wasn’t a kid who went anywhere#been a home body my whole life#been monitored my whole life#my mom and dad gave us freedoms but my mom is lowkey a helicopter parent because eod her anxiety#i Can’t be away form my house for even five minutes before she calls me to ask where I am#It’s smothering sometimes#it makes me feel like I can’t leave home without her permission#when I’m with my best friend she’s less likely to be on my ass because she trusts my best friend more than anyone else I know#but at the nice old age of 26 I have to update my family even when I’m at another friends house#so we have game/Karaoke nights with two sisters bestie and another friend and maybe a few more occasionally#and okay SURE I would come home at 4-6 in the morning#BUT i Don’t drink i Don’t do drugs they know the home and where I am and STILL scold me#It’s only on Fridays and we don’t leave their house and when I do I update them#it just makes me feel like smothered and like I can’t be trusted that the people I love can’t be#🥺 I followed all the rules I still follow all the rules and it doesn’t feel like enough#sometimes I feel chained#like Im wearing a dog collar with greatest daughter on it#but this is my own doing#i am my own curse#Im so sorry I’m getting all depressing#im really tired and when I’m sleepy and tired I just remember the burden of my existence#okay I’ll be nicer sorry#also there’s a cockroach and I don’t wanna sleep 🥹🥹 who wants to come kill it for me#oh also I’ve been very insecure about my size and weight#of course I want to LOOK thinner but really?? I just don’t want to feel like I weigh down my friends either#Im scared to go places because I’m not only broke but because I’m fat and I’m slow and I won’t fit in seats and all that
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the lord is going to need to send me four different blessings to balance out the way this week is going 😍 like one is not enough brother
#lee’s bullshit#phone call yesterday on the toilet BAM “you need to pick your grandfather up from the hospital tmrw”#”bc he passed out mysteriously and has to stay overnight” terrifying! thanks! I’m still on the toilet!#haven’t even gotten off the toilet#”you also need to contact your insane ex and tell her she DOES have to keep paying rent which she will obviously receive well”#cool !! I’m so pumped to hear that !! I’m still mid shit can we resume this in two minutes please.#done with shit!#”yeah idk why she expects this did YOU tell her something to make her believe that?” probably ! I wanted her gone and hated her guts!#”well you need to tell her now” she’s going to love that !!!#roommates come home#”yeah the discussion w our friend who’s losing her shit went (predictably) badly and now we’re all upset again” so cool ! Awesome!#”she also wants a specific apology from you” I could not care less I think she’s so full of shit for all of this I’m done. No.#pick up grandfather today (he’s doing ok thank god j dehydrated from the flu)#get him home have violent indigestion#Visit other grandparents while I’m in town#”your aunt is in extended rehab rn for addiction” sooooo cool ok awesome !! Great!#back home now having violent chest pain !! Probably stress induced but who knows.#anyway at least the double side family addictive personality trend enforces my decision to never touch alcohol !!#what a fun weekend. Can’t wait to work all day tmrw. Jesus fuck.#anyway whatever I’m tired I’m going to watch tv or something
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so
#last night was really so so so fun and it was super hard to get myself to go out? like#in the sense of I really wanted to because I knew it would be fun but I also knew my anxiety was eating me alive#and it would be an obstacle getting through that without alcohol and I need to be … careful#but I got fun drunk and didn’t have too bad of a hangover and didn’t feel super anxious once we got out :#and a different friend wants to make plans for tonight but I am really bad at making plans in advance because sometimes I physically can’t#do things after work bc tired bc neuro disorder and it’s frustrating to my friend with severe control issues#bc she needs to make specific plans like a week out and I’m like erm babe I can’t like#do that? and then if I don’t feel well day of and need to be home she gets (rightfully) frustrated because I’m bailing but it’s#challenging. and you don’t understand unless you live with it.#and it’s frustrating for us both. I don’t want her to think I don’t value her because I do and I force myself out often enough bc I#genuinely feel bad. but it’s so fucking hard sometimes . she also lives sort of far so going from work and having#to drive an hour to her place to then go somewhere and be out like#I’m spent before I even get there#friend I saw last night and I don’t talk consistently but when we do it’s always the same vibe and so fun and we just catch up about life#I feel like when I see my other friends they have things to always talk about because they’re in a discord call almost every night#I don’t have the energy!!!!!!!!!! like I’m so sorry that’s so much for me#idk she isn’t answering me now but if she wants to do something I need to know in the next hr bc if not I’m literally going to bed#I love her but there’s a disconnect between us rn and I don’t know how to mend that gap#but I do love her friendship so I’m just like. sigh#idk it would be different if she was closer and I know that#I hope getting back on medication helps get me being more social again. I’m just so tired this week that speaking is hard lol
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I want to get more involved with local orgs because frankly feeling powerless and watching the news is really making me physically ill so I want to do something but i really want a job or to volunteer where i can just put fliers up or package food/supplies because if i expend myself too much after work I might have another mental break and I really don’t want that .
#I’m just at a loss I want to not be a powerless bystander but at the same time just going to work and feeding and clothing myself is a#struggle to the point where I can’t do anything outside of working and going home and making sure my space is clean#even going out with friends is hard I can’t even watch shows or do things that make my life worth living .#gwon#I want a job with meaning and purpose that also pays my bills#and I don’t want this to come off as ‘woe is me’ type of shit but I’m just so tired of politicians I’m so tired of nothing changing I want#to change I want to help but I don’t know how to without significant detriment to myself at the moment
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I know there’s lots of posts about like “don’t trust your feelings after 10pm” and “don’t trust your feelings during Winter Seasonal Depression Time” but I need a a reminder “don’t trust your feelings around the winter holidays when you’re about to stay with your family”
#shhh sharkie#having a lot of mirror rants about arguments that will never actually happen#there’s a reason I tried to plan my holidays with a very specific schedule this year#very purposefully going back to the city with my partner christmas day and very specifically not going to the family dinner on the 26th#but like idk i’m just.#it’s very important to me to come home for the christmas eve party#and it’s very important to me that my partner is coming with me#and that they’re going to be able to stay over and do christmas day with the family#but also i’m preemptively stressed out and tired and upset and im trying not to be c#cause i don’t want this to go like my sisters wedding and i don’t want this to go like christmas last year#and i’m stressed about gifts and travel and money and potential conversations and arguments#and i just don’t want any of it.#i want to sleep for a month and not have to worry about anything.
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I think mentally I’m having the same feelings being 23 that I was having when I was 2. Terrible 2s but you just have to cope with it because you’re an adult now is like so unfair. feeling hissy today.
#need to throw a fit and then get calmed down after#I just want to go home tbh I’m tired of being a corporate weapon#ugh#where are the men that coo at mean girls#until they go soft#Suguru Geto this is about you specifically#Toji would be able to fix my attitude problem also#and Nanami and and and#bea yaps
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the clearer my vision gets for how gortash processes zeke the less i can describe it.
#i am merely flesh and blood i can’t put it into words lol!#it’s all abstract metaphors. like what do i do with ‘he wants the moment a babe opens its eyes for the first time and chew on it until#nothing is left’ what do you do with that.#zeke is his archnemesis but also inherently his child/ultimate creation through destruction because of that#taking apart the walls of your home piece by piece and replacing them with ones that will fall down on you…#gort is braining baby zeke with a precise hammer strike and eating the contents (his meat seasoned with suffering)#still thinking about viscera in a baby crib btw. that sparked a whole thing. gort keeping it among his other zeke trophies…#i’m so tired i completely forgot where i was going with this but. have whatever this is i guess#cheers for filial cannibalism or whatever
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Sometimes I just think there’s something deeply wrong with me idk
#txt#where did this fear of forming attachments come from#and my fear of being in committed relationship with someone#and just etc#idk I think I’m destined to die alone lol#lol#and not to mention the ✨depression✨#seriously my life is just work home work home every day#and on weekends I just don’t go anywhere except to the damn grocery store#but also I’m always just too tired to do anything outside of that#sometimes I don’t really enjoy work#but it’s also the only thing that gets me up in the mornings during the week#and I’m getting older. I’m not getting any younger#who am i gonna want? I have not had any interest in any guy/man in a long time lol#and frankly it’s hard for me if I don’t trust men#I guess the truth is that I have no love for men irl#don’t get me wrong. I’m a straight woman. who’s unfortunately had unpleasant experiences with men in the past lol#but anyways. also with me getting older. who’s gonna want me lol.#also there’s the added factor of me being Deaf 😂 there was never really a lot of fish in the sea for me to begin with
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y’all i just. really feel awful today.
#i’m so tired#i’m behind in two classes and it’s the end of the semester#idk if i can catch up in even one of them enough to pass#i go home to my family tomorrow and the girl i’m carpooling with wants to leave a couple hours earlier than scheduled#i asked if we could just leave at the originally agreed upon time but haven’t heard back yet#and while i have an entire month off from school. that’s an entire month spent with my family and away from my friends.#my mom is also starting to get pushy about getting me a boyfriend#which is Complicated in ways i do not care to explain atm. if you know you know.#i just. want to stay here with my friends. never mind the fact they’ve all gone home to their own families. i just don’t want to see my own#i want to rest and feel rested and not have to worry anymore#friday chats#friday vs post-secondary school#tw vent
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I had a one day (like 48 hours) trip to Vegas for work. First time in Vegas. Not gonna lie. I don’t want to come back.
#everything makes me feel weh#the lights are too much the sounds are too much#everyone says the strip is great but I was in a Lyft and it just looked sad#I dunno#I don’t get it#and now I’m sad in a hotel overstimulated and over tired#I miss my partner#I don’t like this#I would like to go home plz#I want to remember this trip fondly and I will#but right now I’m not having a good time#also I tried gambeling cuz like why now I’m here for such a short time and fuck my brain likes gambeling too much guys it’s not good#it’s v bad I don’t like it#I’ve been up for nearly 22 hours
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A week’s vacation starts tomorrow. Minus Halloween, of course, because I love working Halloween at the store enough I requested to work it. I’m up to two kids who already are clearly living in their costumes: one in a Sonic Onesie with matching yellow crocs decked in sonic-themed jibbitz, and one Batman with the built-in foam muscles on a maybe…seven year old and five year old respectively? Best part of Halloween for me, honestly, seeing the kids who are going to *be* Spider-Man or whatever until Thanksgiving when their parents finally go TAKE THAT OFF WE HAVE COMPANY COMING.
Got cleared for the Jedi costume as long as I’m bladeless and the saber stays on the belt, so that’s…honestly, easy, but also feels a little weird because it’s like “oh cool what do I do with the time, now?” Like, I debated making a togruta headdress for it but decided not to just in case it’s “scary” for the real little ones.
Car’s still needing to go to the shop because it won’t start and the hood latch is broken, and my sick time from the Week of Mystery Dysentery has come up mysteriously short a hundred bucks from my already not so great paycheck, and car insurance had to be paid.
So it looks like I’m spending a week inside cooking two big meals to make use of the pantry stuff that just got cleared, with MAYBE a third if mom feels like eating chopped liver with me if I make it, and seeing how many paper cranes I can make to contribute to the thousand.
…It’s so weird working so hard to get full time for so many years, and now the benefits are slightly annoying and way less helpful than the guaranteed hours—especially since the home situation is so toxic and I’m trapped, unable to go anywhere.
#bit of a vent post I guess#main plans for the week are to cook and maybe start planting the cranberry beans#the weather’s still a little warmer than I’d like for them but hopefully the purslane’s helped the soil enough.#At least I’ll be home tomorrow to argue why my instruments shouldn’t be thrown out.#I’m just so tired#maybe I’ll wander and do some more intense Pokémon Go than usual#I might see if I can up my output to fifty cranes a day while on vacation.#got ninety bucks to my name until Halloween after bills. so I guess I’ll use it to feed everyone and give myself something to do#this close to taking money out of the savings and buying an electric bike so at least I have more range on my wandering#but that’s a thousand bucks or so and another argument about storage for it I guess#I’m just really tired of not even having a room to myself I guess#here’s to hoping in four months I have at least a place to stay and can empty the storage unit#the big dream at this point is just to have a place to set up my full library for the first time in years#and then be able to deal with the grief of going through everything and deciding what stays and what goes#it’s weird realizing some of those boxes I’ve been unable to open or even look at for a decade#because of yes. loss of a person#but also loss of the idea of the Dream Job I always wanted#and the realization that even if I went back to it now I’d be making about the same amount but would be in debt from college#anyway. on Thursday I get to be a Jedi. I guess. for a day that means I get to be the teacher I always wanted to be.#barring that maybe y’all will like to gaze on my curry
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guiiwgghauaiauagguaiaghjjghjjjhhhh
this didn’t fit in the hashtags but donr rb or comment I’m just screaming to myself atm I’ll probably delete this shit tomorrow goodnigjt fuck everything live vs kill
#vent because I’m going fucking insane#so I got a weekend job right#Yay! So fun! money!#but now I have absolutely no fucking free time#and I hate it cause all I want to do is draw#I just want to draw#Just a little bit#All I want in life is to draw#but I don’t have the time#and I feel like im going to die on the floor#cause I wanna draw so badly!!!!!!!#like it’s actually such a pain and I feel so overwhelmed and I just want to cry like a big baby about it#I would draw more but the thing is it takes me so long to get home from school#and I have to walk a dog after school sometimes#and then I don’t have a lot of time before I eat dinner#then I do my chores which isn’t a lot but I still don’t want to do them#and it just#UGH#I can’t draw inbetween like getting home and supper because I need time to recharge cause if I don’t recharge I’ll get artblocm and then#not want to draw at all which I don’t want#So I don’t get time to draw cause im either occupied with something or im recharging after doing an activity#and I just feel so stuck!!!! Cause now I work a 9-5 and I hate it cause im so tired after work!!!!!!!!!!!!#I also think im just scared cause im actually growing up now and im feeling more exhausted than ever#like I want to do stuff with my friends#I wanna have fun#I want to do things#this is why I love summer because despite the heat and the bugs I have time to myself#I rarely have time to myself if any when im in school#and I HATE ITTTTT#I HATE IT SO FUCKING MUCH
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so much been happening past few weeks haven’t been able to process anything and i’m just so close to a huge meltdown my four modes rn are dissociate, depression, hyperfocus, or overstimulated
#my mom is very overwhelming person and she has been making it worse and afraid i’m going to finally break if she says something when she#gets home i’m so tired i don’t want to have meltdown last night had verbal shutdown and she was not happy about that and made remark when#went to bed a sarcastic one about how i didn’t spend time with her or interact with her#at least my dad also coming home tonight i think#but body not work with me i keep spilling drinks all over and it upset me#and to make thing worse mom keep dragging bins into living room for me to look through because she cleaning and i don’t want to fucking#clean leave alone#rey actually speaks
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